Mark Normand
Appearances
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
yeah that was good i love when they try to get high flute with the sauce subway did that they're like hey we got chipotle and you're like this is pink mayo this is mayo with like a green thing it was kind of good though i loved it dude subway feels like is just like subway feels like a chick that was like a really hot freshman that showed up like senior year and it's just disgusting yeah what the fuck happened to subway i know his friend joe list got a sandwich his friend
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Little column A, little column B. It's like when you find out the PS4 has Blu-ray, and you're like, oh. Oh, I sense Alec used this. You guys seen this controversy? What is this?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I remember when a one foot sandwich used to cost $5 in my day. Shut the fuck up. Wow. Subway sucks. It's gotten so bad. I used to eat it all the time. It's gotten so fucking bad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
They're slaughtering some fucking poor animal in Taiji. They're like, enjoy this. It's 3,000 grams of sodium. It'll fucking kill you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. I smell some downward dog cooch on my sandwich. Great. Someone had the thing. I went to an Indian restaurant the other day. It was Subway.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It might have been Gaffigan. It might have been Patton.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
He said the turkey, they're like stingy with it, like it's money. They're like, all right, here's one, here's another.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
That's such a good joke, dude. Oh, yeah. Goddamn.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
No, he had it with William Montgomery, that guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Who was the handicapped guy he had a thing with?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. No, I remember the one. The William Montgomery one, I got shit for walking off and people were like, oh, you couldn't, someone was like messaging me. I had a few people like, oh, you couldn't handle a smoke or something. He was yelling. I'm like, it was like two and a half hours into a show where they were serving me vodka or whiskey sodas by the pint glass. Right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Maybe I have to pee at some point. Yeah, exactly. And it was like literally the point where I just whispered to Tony. I'm like, dude, I really gotta fucking pee. I've been holding it for like 30 minutes. I didn't, it's like, you think the show's wrapping up for a while.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
And they're like, we have another guest. I'm like, I'm going to piss my pants.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I was there for part of it. I left at a certain point because I was like. You didn't come back? No, I came back. Maybe he was still there. I don't remember. I had a few in me. This guy was my favorite.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
He fucking knew the Night Stalker, Richard Ramirez, and he was talking about it. He called him Richie at one point. I was like, Richie? You had a nickname for one of the most notorious fucking serial killers?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, it didn't seem that bad to me when I was there, but I did have to pee like a motherfucker.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Sorry. I just think he does this as part of the- This is his move. It's like his character. It's like wrestling. Yeah, exactly. He's turning on you as a joke. Yeah. But I was already kind of like, I think he just chose, he was going to probably attack from what I gather afterwards. Tony's like, oh, I forgot to tell you guys he does that. It's such a hilarious thing. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It's like, I forgot to tell you my dog is rabid. Yeah. But he turns on one of the judges usually, and I was like, well, I guess he picked Chad. And then I was just like, too, thank God he picked Chad, because I don't want to bail mid-argument with a guy to pee.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, I was kind of like, they were just kind of going. I was like, I don't really know what to chime in. I was in there for a while. Like, all right. And then, you know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, if you're going to, like, zing me or something, it's different.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But just the yelling, yeah. I wouldn't know what to do with it either, probably.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
He was very nice. But I think it's like a character.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
That would be a great episode of Kill Tony. Comedian curb stomps open mic. You fucking bitch. Like, no, no, no.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, one of these fucking open micers maybe has a bad set and is just like, fuck it, I'm going down in flames.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Just takes off Harlan Williams' head or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, we got to get Greg on here. I love Greg. We tried to get him on, but we'll get him in like the next couple months probably.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I mean, so they're just like fake penises in there?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Even nice hotels have shitty beds. That's true. Even nice hotels. I'm like, can we get a decent pillow in here? I know, the pillows.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It's a fucking piece of paper. It's like, who sleeps on this shit?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
One hotel should be like, we got the good pillows. Oh, yeah. Think all the business you're going to get. That's true. I mean, you stay in a bad hotel, those pillows will fucking kill you. I think for a minute, Weston was like, we have good pillows.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
How you're supposed to sleep is on your back with a pillow. You really should be sleeping with three pillows if you talk to a specialist. You should have one under your knees here. You have one memory foam or something like that under your shoulders. And then on top of that, staggered, it should be your neck. So you should be sleeping on your back, but no one sleeps on their back. No one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
On my stomach. Really? Yeah. So I was, yeah, butt in the air just waiting to get railed. So wait, what do you mean?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. Let me see. Let me see if you nail this. Yeah, that's how I sleep. Really? Yeah. Whoa. Not with the legs in the air like that, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's how I sleep. That's not bad. But with a pillow under too, so I'm like back here. So I think that's not great for your neck. Yeah. But think about it, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
You're like on a fucking, like if I get acupuncture, dude, I will fall asleep on the table because I'm so comfortable. Oh, wow. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, all night. Good for you. I fucking hate you for saying that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
No, I got a good one. I got a good one. Really? I like a good sleep mask. Just the thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
No, you nailed it all. You know what's going on. That's the thing, too. It's like, you think about what was, like, taboo even 15 years ago. Like, can you imagine your dad find a DVD? Step-sister porn. We'll have kids someday, and we'll be like, you know. Chicks with dicks?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I bring a sleep mask on the road because you never know if you get one of those hotels that they don't have good blackout curtains. That's true.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
She rolls. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. I never thought about that. I guess like, fuck, if I was a woman sleeping on my stomach, just going to fucking crush a baby.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Hell yeah. You ever fuck dangerous? You fuck her like by the staircase, but you don't put her down? I fuck her in the closet. I'm like, see that coat hanger?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Is the sex good pregnant? I mean, it must be funny. You're like fucking a different woman kind of. That's true, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
God's like, she's going to look gross. Yeah. So? No, I think you're right. She's going to get really into it. Give that a go. No, there are dudes that are kind of into it, though. Like, she's got a little belly. Her tits are bigger.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
You know what I saw? I saw a thing recently on the internet that was like, you know, men show up or something like this. It's like men will say they have a decent penis and show up with six inches. Uh-oh. If you're not satisfied at all with that, maybe it's you. Right. It's like saying a man will take you out to dinner and just get you an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert. Feeder.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
She's limping, then she walks away normal like Kaiser Sosa.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
A medium. Yeah, that's right. It's funny. We're looking for small. Not too small because you don't want it to be like fucking like, you know, the whole time you're like, all right, it's not fucking. Once again, the answer is ladyboys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
You got a big presence about you, though. Yeah, you do. He also wears, like, the types of sweaters that, like, kind of, like, old-school manly men wear.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, okay. The old show from 2004. I was like, holy shit, you guys are really going for it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I've met your dad. It's so funny. He's so soft-spoken at the times I've met him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Anyone ever pregnant? It's a crazy Norman drop every week. We're having a baby the next week.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, I like that look, man. Oh, yeah. Very Hefner, very cool.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Free plug. Didn't Rogan get you a crazy suit?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, no, that's cool, man. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, suits are fucking... Look how cool he looks in that fucking shirt. He looks great. How about your shirt? Yeah, I'm rocking it, too. I think I did this before you. No way. I think so. When did you make that? I've had this for a while. I want the receipt. I'll look it up. Because we can look this up, too. How long have you had the backdrop?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'm going to go with a year. Oh, I definitely had this longer than a year. Oh, really? Yeah. I got the Nicholson one, too. Yeah. Fucking... Dude, I got a rec for you, speaking of LA... Please. I'd never seen MASH till last night. Oh. I saw it halfway through back in the day. I was dating a girl who was like, this is boring. I was like, it's hilarious.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But I was just like, you know, you're just like, fuck it, let me just salvage the night. Yeah. Yeah, I watched it last night. I fucking loved it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Suicide is fine. Painless. Painless, yeah. Yeah. Oh, dude, the... they're just torturing that woman sally kellerman yeah they just torture her because it's like so funny because she's uh she's not in the shit like they are so they're like fuck her we'll torture her to make her one of us is that the first movie to tv show ever Yeah, I feel like for a while it went the other way.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It went like, because they did like The Fugitive and then that was the movie. True, true. Nash is fucking, Altman's fucking great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Also, if you've never seen Nashville, Nashville's fucking incredible.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It's such a different vibe, but it's so good, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I think it's Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. Yeah, I think that's it. Wow, that would be something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
off contained i don't know i never would have got that one oh shit scuba nice nailed it have you ever scubed i snorkeled never scubed same i think snorkel is good enough for me that's all i need the surface i get the yeah i like to know i can go back up yeah they shark tank people you know the people who were in that that cage yeah never oh my god yeah what are you thinking
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Have you not seen Jaws? I know. Like, fuck that shit. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, I saw a surfer just talking about, he was on Edelman's, the pod he used to do with Julian Edelman. He was Laird Hamilton. Oh, yeah. And he was talking about how he would, you know, he'd just get out of the water. He's like, I sensed a shark.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I guess you just like, you surf that much, you have a sense for when they're coming. He's like, I got out, but right behind me was a hammerhead. Can you imagine how scared you would be?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But now I feel like it goes the other way, like they did Get Shorty, the TV show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Well, back in the day, it was a big deal when your TV show would make, like South Park made a movie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Okay, yeah, I definitely will watch this. It's the Tiger King guy. Yeah. Did I already wreck Bad Monkey on Apple?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I just don't love the break in the fourth wall that much. That much. I understand, like, a little bit, but it's, like, the whole movie, it's just, like, it's fine. I didn't dislike it, but it's, like, a thing where it's... It gets to a point where it's like, this is just fan service.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Well, it's exactly. And I think, you know, at a certain point, like Marvel, they know what they have. So right. Tell me they'll it's weird to watch one of those at home because they have these moments that are like meant for applause. Yeah. So like you just watch at home. You're like, he's just standing there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It's like watching a neighbor show up and open the door in a sitcom and he's just like this. And you're like, there's no applause.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Who gives a fuck about Hawkeye or whatever? My girlfriend loved it, so I went to see it with her. I'm such a fucking idiot. I booked in one of those RPX things. It's supposed to be cool because it's like a shaking chair and makes noise. There's so many showtimes for this movie still that I picked the wrong time, but luckily we just walked into another theater, but then we had to see it normal.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But, yeah, she wanted to see it. And she was, like, dying. Really? Well, look, there's a fucking hilariously ugly dog in it. It's so ugly that he's cute. Right. I don't know if you saw that dog. Pull it up. Longer hanging tongue than even Wingus. Okay. But, yeah, I mean, it's not, like, bad. It's just also, like, it's, like, what you expect.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Well, that dog has a great life now. It was rescued. It was voted the ugliest dog. And now the dog's famous.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But yeah, dude. I got, fuck, I had a peeve too. I had a thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Ooh, this is a peeve. People who send you a really long text and then sign their initials at the end. Oof. What is this? Your book signing? Like, what the fuck? Dash L. Oh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It's different. I've had older... It only annoys me when young people do it. Yeah. When older people do it, I think it's like, oh, I don't know how technology works. Like I had Leno text me once and he finished it with J. That's kind of cute. That's kind of cute.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
No, Max, I'm not going to make his death about me. Guy who does that. Guy who's over in the moment. Let me just say... No, actually, when Jay Leno dies, I'll mourn the loss of an entertainer.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
If I speak at that funeral, Mark always said comedy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
He's a ladyboy in Thailand. Is he? I don't know what that means.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I date someone who works in sports, so she comes in the other day and it's a tragic story about these two hockey players who got killed by the drunk driver in Jersey. She walks in the bedroom and goes, tragedy in New Jersey this morning. I'm like, who speaks like that? What are you, the Post? Yeah. But it's like that's how they talk. Yeah, yeah. You're on TV, you speak like a tragedy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'm like, let's go to break right now. No, I mean us.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
She's giving you the light. I have done that, though. I have done the second I come, I run over to type something. Oh, I've done that. You ever have a joke idea, and you're like, I just got to get through this sex so I can retain this joke? Women love that. I do it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
They want you to make eye contact and be present, but I'm just like, fuck, I'm just fucking, just come, and then I jump off, I do a fucking back somersault. Uh, AIDS. And she's like, well, no, not me. The joke. The joke was about AIDS.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I think Tom Waits had the line where he'll get a good song lyric and he's like, Can't you see I'm driving?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
We're kind of post race almost now. Oh, 100%. So for everyone saying like, this is how I am, this is how I identify. Most people don't give a fuck. No. Most people will get to know you and hate you for who you are. A hundred percent. And they're OK with that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
He's a fun guy. He'd be a fucking killer guest on this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
what's his big song oh my god so many downtown train i hope i don't fall in love with you rain dogs he wrote jersey girl for bruce springsteen no that's him that's a money maker this whole first album is a fucking banger he had a different voice back then but he's like 24 when he wrote it i've sent you some of those songs all 55 oh that's him yeah i only know that through the eagles
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, maybe he... Did he do it first or not? I don't know. Look it up. He's done some great covers, too, but... Is he a New York guy?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
His voice now is, like, fucking crazy. Gravel. Yeah, Rain Dog's a sick album, too. But that first one's pretty crazy. He did the theme for The Wire. Really?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I don't know if it's his original. He definitely does it. Yeah, it's his voice. It's definitely him in The Wire, I think.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I said definitely, and then I think. I stink. Uh-oh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, he's fucking great. He's great. Do you have a peeve?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Just for the gig. You just love Mexico right now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
And it's, you know, or they'll get to know you and love you for who you are. But but like, I'm with you, dude. It's like no one cares.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But they got you after that? Got me in, yeah. I fucking hate that, though, when they act like you're an idiot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, geez. With these eyebrows, it's never random. I hate it. Every time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
They're fucking big. I got some fucking eyebrows.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Really? They're pretty big. I guess they're long. You know what I get is they don't even ask if I'm at the barber now. They don't even ask. I just go, I'm like, Jesus Christ. What do they do to your eyebrows? They just trim it a little bit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Right. It's like you do a thing like, well, this is who I am. It's like, OK, well, you know who cares about that? People who care about you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
If I don't know you, I don't care about you. So I don't give a fuck.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It'd be great if you're just like the bottom, it's like Pulp Fiction.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I fucking hate it. I hate sharp rings. Yeah. Fist bump. I always see him. He's always trying to give me fist bumps with the sharp rings. I'm like, what are you doing? That fucking hurts. Yeah. It's annoying. It texturally is annoying. And then you shake their hand. That's bad, too. From now on, only a wave. Interesting. I'm only giving a wave. Okay. Sharp ring. You've got to hate a sharp ring.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, the watch is pushing it. I like a watch, but then chains or jewelry, it's just a lot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, out here. I had a guy, a friend of mine, I want to get him on the pod. We will at some point, I'm sure. Tan French from Queer Eye.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
He was like, oh, this would go well with a good necklace. I'm like, I don't like that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
No, I can't do it. But I guess he's a stylish guy, and he's like, it's in. Yeah, we're the minority here. We're the losers. Well, how about these fucking baseball players who are wearing like 40-pound chains now? I'm like, what's the upside? You're running. It just hits you in the fucking mouth. I know. You're diving in the second. A chain. I don't get it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'm a skater. I'm a fucking Leaping Skanks fan.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. We'd never get to it. Yeah. In a dream. Why would I care about your dream, dude?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. But it's like for him, I feel like it's like a style thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I think it is like a style thing for like biker, skater type dudes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, dude, I got another movie. I don't know. I can't call this a full on wreck because it's dark as fuck. all right at that dinner ron on he's telling me and the lady you heard about this movie yeah you seen it no but everybody's telling me it's like next level it's dark as fuck it's called speak no evil and they're remaking it an american version but like look
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
You know, you know, it's yeah, it's Dutch and you know, it's dark as fuck because the critic scores high, but the audience scores like 55 and you're like, that's because it's dark. But look, it's shocking. It will shock you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
The premise is this family and their kid are in Tuscany on vacation. They meet another family there at this big resort type place. And this other family is very friendly. Like a little weird, but very friendly. And they invite them to their place in the woods. Oh, boy. With a postcard later on. And the whole thing is about being polite or impolite. And they're like, well, it'd be rude to say no.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I guess we don't really know them, but I guess we could do it. And they're socially just really unacceptable people. Really? And it keeps getting weirder and weirder. Yeah, like, you know, at one point...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
you know they're at their place they're out to dinner and they kind of like they suggest this fancy place and they force them to pay basically or then they start making out aggressively or they'll be in the car and he's clearly drunk driving but he's uh you know blasting music to the point where they're like please turn it down he's just ignoring them shit like that where they're very weird the couple and it keeps getting weirder so it's kind of like part thriller part horror and uh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I mean, look, I recommend it if you have a capacity for darkness. I was shocked by it. Really? And Ronan was like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
our boy Ron on is who I feel I give him shit for this I'm like dude you will only recommend a movie if it'll like fuck me up for days but I saw the American version it's James McAvoy is in it and it looks it looks cool and I'm like fuck am I gonna see this version too I don't know but I was I was definitely shocked by it I will say that why the title you're gonna have to see okay okay you'll know why when you see it I don't want to give spoilers in case people want to see it but uh holy shit man really yeah don't I mean I don't know if May will like it
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, that? It's that? She likes fucked up. Okay, well then watch it and report back.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Because this kid looks scared. Is it sexual? I don't want to say anything. I don't want to say what's happened. Okay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'm trying to think of movies that fuck me up on a psychological level. Yeah. And like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, sex dream I'll listen to, especially if I'm in the sex dream.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
you know my holland drive kind of fucked me up because it kind of gets in your soul it's like the way they kind of creep in it's very they pull the rug out under at the end in a way where you're like jesus that is fucking and it's not nearly as fucked up as this really god damn this is you're really uh i mean like the curb stomp and american history x fucked me up a little bit sure because we were young and it was yeah i mean look no i mean not i'm at the age now where i'm okay with a curb stomp
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
No, but it was more of like a shock scene as opposed to something that really seeps in your... Yeah. But yeah, sure, American History X was dark as shit. But this is way scarier to me. Oh, boy. I'm intrigued, but I'm nervous.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Especially if that chick with the dick is talking about sex dream.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It's really all about not having boundaries and stuff and knowing when... And it's funny, Rana and I totally... He can't stand up, and I'm like, I have no problem with confrontation. So I think part of me is like, you know, I have no problem being like, oh, I don't like this. You know, I don't. This doesn't. Yeah. But he said, I can't really do that.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
So I think we were kind of scared for different reasons. Interesting. Yeah. I don't like horror usually.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Well, they're remaking it. And I wonder if they're going to do the same. I'm not going to say what the ending is, but I wonder if the American version is going to have the same ending.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
i bet we i bet we tone it we tend to tone europe you know do whatever you know originally in get out the original ending was that they don't get out oh man it's like and i think test audiences were like what the fuck yeah they changed it but like you know i thought i love get out yeah sure that was a great movie but uh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Well, I'm selfishly curious what you would think of it. Okay. But I'm also like, I don't know. It's fucked up. I like Clockwork Orange. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, this is definitely more fucked up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yes. That was like how you feel it out. We thought that was subtle. Oh, yeah. You were in my dream the other night. Like, all right, just fucking get to it. Oh, yeah.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. It's just the way it builds. It's good. All right. I'm talking too much about this, but I'm curious what you guys will think.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It is a funny visual to be, like, you have a whole bowl, and you're like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Torture porn is like, it became a thing for a minute with those Saw movies and stuff like that. I never got into that. No. I don't like the just like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I think they're meant to be seen with a group that's like, ah, the same way. My friend Dana Gould will tell me like he goes, oh, I see my daughter's at the age now where like we see horror movies together and we leave and she'll be like, which were your favorite kills? And it's like it's almost like, you know, it's it's formulaic in a way, you know, where we see comedies, we laugh together.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But that's people don't do that anymore, really. Yeah, that's true. I guess Deadpool was a comedy, but it's rare that you go to a theater and you fucking... It's a good point.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I know. If a guy says it, it doesn't sound as good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Maybe it sucks. No, it doesn't suck at all. Muslim phase is so weird. Yeah. I had never even heard of it. Have you heard of this? No. It's coming. Maybe you have to build it more. In the beginning, it was like, yeah. So did you ask more about it? So she just acts like she's Muslim?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
You were in my dream the other night. Oh, my God. I need a restraining order.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
that's fucking hilarious i was like we were just goth you know yeah i think kids teens feel and they're taking on the the the outfits and the right it's like black because you check black yeah in the 90s yeah it's also like goth is a funny angle hippies we were there were hippies and there were goth now that's like now you want to fit in you got to level up you know yeah you know uh Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
That's no good. It's so funny to be like, Dad, you know I'm Muslim. It's like, no, you're not. Right. You're not actually Muslim.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Does it hit for your crowd or have you only done it at the cellar and stuff? That's kind of the test for me nowadays. Right. If it starts working for my crowd, I just deliver with more confidence at the cellar. True, true. But has it worked for your people?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Muslim, the setup is that it's easier. What's better than being a slut?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Why did you say why she decided to convert to being a Muslim?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
We're going out early. Felt fucking bad about that birthday party, guys. That was brutal. Oh, tell us about your dinner.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I don't know the angle for this one. It's such a weird premise. Maybe goth is better than slut. Goth is better than slut.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Goth. In my day, they were just goth. Right. It used to be like, fuck you, God. Now it's like, I love you, Allah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
In my day, you just dated the person your parents didn't want you to date.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Well, my mom is like, you know, she'll say to me, like, first question with women, like, is she Jewish? And I'm like, you know, now this is like... Does she have a penis? Yeah. Is your boyfriend... Is your boyfriend...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I mean, can we all blame Gary for that? Yes. Because I wanted to leave the second we got there. Well, set the table.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
muslim uh yeah and so am i now right like yeah i don't know i don't know where to go with this yeah all right i'll doodle my shit's either fucking garbage or all right hit me let me see what i got um there's a few i just can't crack um Man, I tried that dinosaur chicken nuggets one the other night. Got some groans.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I have too many fucking... I think for the comedy seller, my shit is... For my crowd, it's fine, but when I do the comedy seller, they're like, holy shit, that was dark. I know. Because you're going on after some of these guys who are just like, aw, shucks, and they're pretending they're better people than they are. And then I go on, I do a Hitler or a pedo joke, and there's like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
No pun intended. So Gary Veeder, one of my best friends in the world, you guys know, and one of your best as well.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
what is this guy, a fucking monster? I'm like, no, that's fucking, that's what you joke about.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
All these ideas, dude, my problem with these are like, they're either working or they're just shit. Let's see if I have enough. Is this anything, one of the worst parts of breakups is you have to just come up with new inside jokes. It's just like, so much new material. Wait, wait, With the new girl, yeah. Sometimes I'll just recycle stuff from previous relationships.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'll be like, hey, little lady, and she's like, I'm 5'10". I'm like, ah, shit. I need something like that. I don't know where it's going, but like... You're doing old material. I'm doing old material. I'm like, ah, I got to come with a new fucking nickname. Right. That's funny. There's something maybe.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. Like how many servings is like this is like not that much food. Yeah. A quarter pound is not that much. I don't know that. Yeah, I don't think it's that much.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
He tours with me on the road every week. And his hit thing on the road, if you don't know Gary, is like, I want every meal to be a home run. Not just good, but he's like, we're eating at the best place in the city. Now, the best place isn't always the most expensive, thank God, but it often is. And Gary has hurt my wallet in the past.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, I'm not looking for a philosophical lesson here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I got another one I want to try because this isn't hitting the way I want it. All right. And I have an Uber bit that's hidden really hard right now. Add to it, because I had an ex who would be like, we got into a car once, we got into an Uber and it smelled like horrible, like so bad. And I just went, oh, wow. And we got out, she goes, you cannot make that sound. I go, but he can make that smell?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
That's unacceptable. It smelled so fucking bad in there. And she goes, let me see your Uber rating. So I pull it out, and she goes, just as I suspected, 4.53. And I was like, all right. That's fresh. I speak my mind. It's fine, whatever. And I said, all right, let me see yours. She had a 4.32. Oh! So I wanted to think. I was like, all right. By the way, you're pretty.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
oh that's good you're that yeah that's good you're that fucking rude to drivers i did once it was a bad smell wow that's good but i but the line that didn't hit i thought could be something as she goes uh that's that's not a big difference i go point two is the difference between a gold medalist and someone who doesn't place oh but then that doesn't hit so i need a different out i need a different fucking uh damn gold medalist i like
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I like it too, but it's just too, I think it's too much of a leap. Right. But the part did pop where I say, you're attractive, this is your personality.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, but .2 isn't too much. That's true. It's not. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
i hate when people shit on like it's like oh you know you should i i hate what i'm doing a little bit in this right right when people will shit on like a smelly caviar i'm like yeah it's so fucking annoying but the guy probably did like a 26 hours true so i do feel a little bit but then uh but then i like the joke enough that i was like yeah who gives a shit yeah and you're not being mean you're going oh i just went wow it's not mean it's not like you make a fart
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Because he'll be like, this place is great. And you get to the restaurant, he's like, it's supposed to be great. And you're like, oh, cool, $67 entrees. Thanks, Gary. Yeah, right. And then he's like, it's good fish. Fucking prick. But that's like, you know, many days in a row. We eat well because it's important to him. And it's become a thing on the road. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But that part does hit. I just think, yeah, it's about the... Where do you go from there? I'll brainstorm a little bit. It's close. It also goes off another bit. It's like the balls in the air.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
There's another Uber bit that hits real hard before that. But, man, it's fucking crazy. The more I get older, I'm like, man, I think you have a similar thing that I have where our jokes kind of go up to the line of what is not socially acceptable. So the tinkering, sometimes it's just one word that saves it. Sometimes it's a buildup.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Sometimes I'll do a joke as a one-liner, and it comes off as too mean. But if I build up and build up and then do the same joke, it's like I'm adding fat to a joke to save the joke.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But then you find out sometimes when you pad it, for your crowd, it builds it a little more and the release is bigger. That's true. That's true. Yeah, but in our stand-up, I think we're so conscious of not adding fat. We like the idea of how fucking dense our stuff is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
The problem with 0.2 is it's not like- It's not a lot. Yeah, it's also like, what is that, two months or something? You know what I mean? Is that the only issue?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It didn't work. Maybe I'll try it again. Shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
And Gary goes, we're eating at this place, Emilio's Bellato on Houston. This is primo dago grub. It is and it isn't. I thought it was good food, but it also was like, there's better shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
You know who won? Cockbuster. Yeah. I mean, the lady boy, though, is like it's a little bit of both. You got a little both in there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, he just saw me in Oslo. Damn. Stockholm. Just added Spokane, Washington, October 24th through 26th. I'll be with little Gary. You know he's going to make me pay. And then I'll be in- November 21st through 23rd, I'll be in Cleveland at Hilarities, another great club. And I'll add a few more before we do a big announcement. By the way, I probably would have announced the theater tour by now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
So go to my Instagram. I would think I've announced the theater tour by now. Wow. I'm probably coming to your city, punchup.live slash samorell or just samorell.com and go to punchup.live slash Mark Norman or it's Mark Norman Comedy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, PunchUp.live slash Mark Norman. Mark, where are you going?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, well, now it's going to be on YouTube. I'm going to move it to YouTube. Okay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, you just got to get our stuff. It's cool to own our shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. You know, and we didn't have a slouch table either. We didn't let people there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
We roll in there, and already I'm kind of like, let's just go. The vibe was bad. The waiter was a prick.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
He was a huge prick. You can get here when everyone's seated, and we're like, all right, it's 15 people. For 13 we can't seat. He's like, it's got to be all 15. I love that. All right, yeah. Is someone going to be using the table? We're ordering drinks in this time, right? Right. But he was being a prick, and I was kind of like, you know what? It wasn't just what he was saying.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It was the way he was saying it. Yep. He was kind of a trash bag.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, it was that type of, like, oh, cool. This fucking guy's the waiter right here?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, it's the Seinfeld episode. I know you know how to take the reservation.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It's the keeping of the reservation you have a problem with. So already he was a dick. And he was a dick to Mark. He was a dick to me. And it was a thing where I was kind of like, you know what? Fuck this place. So I said, let's get out of here. Multiple times. You did. My girlfriend's giving me shit. She goes, you always do this. I go, no, but I have no problem saying fuck this shit and walking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Trans, it's like we've transitioned. Lady boy is like, I still got a little bit from the past.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I want to walk. Whatever. I said, let's go to Arturo's. It's a few blocks away. Arturo's always treats you well. Great pizza. Love it on Houston. Gary's like, but this is special. Gary's kind of like, this is special. I made this. And it's like, all right, I get it. I understand. Let's go here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
And I love you, Gary. I do. But I got a really bad vibe out of the gate. Yeah. We go in there. They're just like, how about we just bring out a lot of stuff?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But you know, when someone says that, it doesn't say bring out so much shit that you're going to rape. They turned it into like a prefix where they charge us like over 300 a person. Yeah, yeah. And we had people popping in and out. That's true.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
ronan's poor wilson vince is living in a tent under a highway yeah leading the cuban revolution with that beard yeah uh and no it's it's a disaster and the food was solid the food was pretty good but it's noodle it wasn't yeah it wasn't that good it wasn't that fucking good and the guy was by the way the waiter's cursing non-stop which i know we curse but we're comedians it's weird to be in like a family restaurant a guy's like yeah get the
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
We got to burn this fucking place down like Vesuvius.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Is that the one? Oh, no. Which is the one they burned down? It was Vesuvius, right? I don't know. I'm looking it up. Well, I got to get the fucking Sopranos trivia right. Anyway, they bring the check and Vitor won't let me fucking pay. He won't let me chip in. And it's over five grand.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
So they just gave us like a prefix per person without consulting us. Yeah. And the food was fine. It was fine. It wasn't-
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I was fucking embarrassed. I was like, I don't want to fucking, you know, let me put in. I was like, Jesus, I get it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'm sure Vito will make me pay for this shit next tour.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But I was I was like, fuck, you don't pick that. You get Arturo's with the big group. I was but I thought they were just going to bring out a bunch of things that would be reasonable. But it wasn't. A steakhouse wouldn't charge you this much.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
This guy's like, oh, suck my fucking bean bag. And he's like, that'll be $900. Yeah, exactly. I gave you the suck my bean bag special. Fucking trash bag.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But that just sounds like a hermaphrodite. Oh, yeah. That was the thing. Remember there was the urban legend Jamie Lee Curtis hermaphrodite?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
We had a good case until Mark broke out the slurs. I was like, I think we're going to get a try behind us. Then Mark's like, these whop fucking dagos. I'm like, wait, slow down.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Except the baby you're carrying was Vitor. God damn it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I love you guys. I owe you. I owe you big time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
No way! I've been drinking coffee off him every morning. Well, that's a keeper.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Nice little memory. Man, I love that. But that was a fucking, I mean, look, it was a fun-ass dinner. It was so fun. Well, next time we'll do Arturo's. We'll do something that's not stupid. Yeah, right. That was fucking insane.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Damn. I'm going to have to pay him extra. I'm going to have to slide in money. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Classic. Ari showing up with, yeah, good stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, Will's gift, a book on white privilege.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
This next bus run is going to be Porsche on my wallet. I know that we're going to be stopping in places where I'm like, fuck.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
yeah I mean I feel like you gotta put the foot down at some point like tonight Wendy's I do sometimes fuck you tomorrow we're going to when he starts to be a dick on the road when he starts to get in the mood or something I'm like we're doing fucking we're doing ranch one for dinner but got a good chicken sandwich I'll fucking I'll hit him every once in a while with ranch one remember pluck you yes pluck you pluck you I kinda like I liked ranch one that fucking that chicken sandwich not too bad yeah roasted red pepper sauce just mayo but it was good
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
It's a shame you're not a father because you would kill it. There's still time. He said he doesn't want it. Yeah. Imagine you had a lawn. This lawn would be unbelievable. Your neighbors would hate you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's Vitor. Have you heard Vitor's bit? What did he say? About it? He's like, they went to his hotel room. They found no DNA. He's like, you go to my hotel room. There's DNA on the ceiling. Whatever.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, yeah. He hated it. I mean, I told the story. I want to hear your story.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
But you can go right to your own bar. That's got to feel pretty good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Did they give you a better reaction than we did when you walk in? Much better. Oh, shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, yeah. We might be joined by Shopify. You've got an online shop, but it's not working for you. Switch to Shopify and have a stress-free experience. Nobody does selling better than Shopify, their number one checkout on the planet. They've even got ShopPay that allows your customers to save their payment and shipping info and boost conversions up to 50%. Businesses that sell more...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Sell on Shopify. That's all there is to it. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Jim Shark uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash drunk, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash drunk to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com. Slash drunk. This is for you. Happy holidays. Oh, baby. Hey, guys. What do you got there, brewskis? All the brewskis. Whoa.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
North Pole, ice cold. All right. I'll take a big old sip.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Rugula. Rugula. Rugula. Rugula. Okay. Okay, thank you. Where did you just come from? The North Pole. How you doing there? That's a Jewish Santa. I thought that was stop.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
We couldn't get stop, so this is... Happy holiday. Oh, what's in the sack there?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Good boys and girls. Oh, you sound like P. Diddy. Nice. Do we really get a present?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
All right. All right. We'll break them out, Sam. And hand me a roogala, will you there, Jew face? Look at this guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, thank you there, Jojo. I'll take one. I thought you said a roogala.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
We got to give you something. Thank you. Want some Ruggala? No. What is it? I don't know what it is. A Jewish foreskin.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Get this man a whiskey. Thank you. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Happy holidays.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I'll do a couple swigs of the Travis Kelsey horse piss. You guys have any bourbon?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Boy, you've been living in a cave there. Who the hell is the Rizzler?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
This kid's getting laid like you wouldn't believe. I heard he fucked Kate Beckinsale.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Sam's a huge fan. Yeah, the Tonight Show used to have, like, Jack Nicholson and Sinatra on it. This is fucking crazy. I know. He's got his own Bitcoin. Oh, my God.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah, true. That is fucking tough. Man, we had Jay-Z, too, but he's gotten some trouble.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
It would have been the best Christmas ever. You should have told him about the candy we had. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I think that's their trans. They're like, oh, I got pulled the rug out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I did a gig in Glasgow and there was a stabbing like right outside my theater. Really? Scotland's wild.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
COVID was like that. Remember COVID was in New York. They're like, fuck it. Drink outside. That's when they started doing it. Oh, there you go.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Well, he made it an art, you know? But whining is not an art. He's just great at it. He's great at it. Yeah, it's like a barroom boxer. You go, fuck this guy. He's an asshole. But you put him in a ring, and he's a genius.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That's going to come and go. He's going to get young diabetes, and he's going to fizzle out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Those were the days. The worst was back of the neck. If you got a back of the neck, you were going right to hell. Yeah, not good. No, I caught my parents fucking. Really? Yeah, I joined in. And he started choking you? Yeah. And then you came. We all came, I'll tell you. He went front of the neck.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Who's the other guy? Who'd be playing this in the club, dude? I mean, this is why the terrorists hate us. Can you imagine Al Qaeda watching this? This guy looks like the shooter.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
This kid's fucking hotter women than all of us. That's the worst part about it. How old is he, 12? No. With that much charisma? Please.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
What's that mean? What? The UK? Third grade, so he is eight. Wait, what did he say? Wakanda versus UK? I'll see. Anyone else hard?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He's got to watch out, though. He sounds like Marlon Brando in the later years. He's got the fat guy throat thing going on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
The snizzler. I love this kid. He's all right. He's all right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Get Pimp on the phone. Will we get him at a later date? He'll come in. I'm going to call it with the fat jokes. He's going to have secret service. Fat jokes? You're making diddle jokes about him. That's not real. The fat is real. He's a cute kid. You can sit right here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Man, big, big week for WAPs. This guy, the shooter, Salacus.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
And it crushed. That's what you want him to do, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
It's a little short. But hey, ChatGBT wrote most of it. Now, he's still only suspected, right? Oh, it's got to be him. You know? They got the ghost gun.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You got to pluck. So the rumor is he had a back issue, and that's what turned him. Because the medical, they wouldn't help him with his back.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Look at this guy. He's perfect. But yeah, Antonio Brown stole your tweet. Yeah, whatever. I texted you. He's got bigger problems. Yeah, he's a wild one. Great follow, but he's a wild dude.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I mean, if you roll through, he tweets like 38 times a day, but if you roll through Twitter.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I think so, because they're deranged and erratic as he is. Pull up Antonio Brown Twitter. AB.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That was a Rizzler. He's no Rizzler. It's wild. We would have felt that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Hey, is that Caitlin Klar? Mm-hmm. All right. Good for her. All right. Keep going. Keep going. Just keep going until you see Sam's tweet. Oh. Keep going.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I'm telling you, he's nutty. Funny guy, though, but what a wacko. What do you mean? He just took the tweet? Yeah. Yeah. It didn't credit you either.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I think he just sees shit on the internet and puts it up. I don't even know if he's like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
It's good. I don't want to shit on it too much. Good people. People really seem to care. So I texted Shane today. He sent me some tires updates.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
And pretty cool stuff you guys got coming up in season two. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Well, you always find a way. Yeah. You're like, what's that guy doing now? I think he's homeless. No, wait. Look at that. Headline news. He's riding on some huge show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Well, his mind is great for sketch. We forget that. We're so stand-up oriented, like joke, joke, joke, tag. And he's got both. He's got the sketch and the stand-up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I just said I can't believe anyone listened to Bonfire.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Now, what's lunch like over there on the set? How's that work? You know, it's food and you eat it. They give catering and everything? Yeah, yeah. Wow, so this is like a big, real shoot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
But it's weird they do that on sets. It's like, hey, you're a hot celebrity guy or gal. Here's M&M's and craft service and shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Put on like Melrose Place or Hot Boy Island or Fuck Boy Dead or whatever it is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Hey, good for Shane. I didn't know he had a lunch lady.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
It was kind of odd. You were also in Better Call Saul. I was. You had a good run.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You know what I mean? But get mad at the character, not you. Like if you played a murderer, they would have loved you. That's the irony.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Because you're making light of it, I guess, maybe? Because rappers say fucked up shit and women are singing along at the club.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Right. In a matter of months. That's true. Barney on what's that show? How I Met Your Mother. His whole thing was like, I'm going to see how many girls I can fuck in a night. Yeah. Even though he was a gay guy in real life. But he was like, you watch that show now, you're like, damn, this guy's a poonhound.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Probably, but I didn't know he was gay when I was watching it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Didn't Kevin Spacey do that when they popped him with the kids? He was like, but I'm gay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yes. You know what I mean? Or at least help me out. Like you ever go to one in Austin and you're like outside of a warehouse? Get a guy out there going, hey, here it is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That just happened to me. Yeah, like they just expect you to get there and figure it out. But there's like all these warehouses look the same. You know, they're like suites.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Well, Segura will put you in a hotel. He'll send you over. Segura gets it. Yeah. But he's a man of.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Man, I feel like I licked his toes and you got to fuck him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Man, oh man. Is there any chance it's the same agent?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I know, they're making it a religious thing. I can't grab your wife's tits and be like, praise Allah. You know, it's not the same. It doesn't save it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah. You know? I had this one. It's just, yeah. This on the train today. Well, first of all, two things I want to run by you. On the train today, I got on the train and I go, it's an N. So I don't know if it's local or express. Sometimes they go back and forth like a bisexual. And I go, is this local? And I do the thing where I jump on. I go, is this local or express? One guy goes, it's express.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Good! You fucked me. I hope you feel bad. I had the dry run. You got the real show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
It's express. And I go, OK. Then another guy goes, no, no. It's local. Local. And I was like, ugh. But the local guy looked more put together. And the express guy looked like shit. So I went with the local. So I got on. And it was express. And I go, what the hell, man? And he goes, pfft.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
But this is just. She's coming. She's always late. Who is it? This guest. Rachel Einstein? She's always late.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That's how she does. What? Oh. Well, I mean, it's pointless now. I got to end the show at some point. We're going to wrap it up. But we're happy to have you. I'm glad your bar is here because it keeps you coming back to New York.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Well, also you're lucky you got a Biden. He's still president. You got a guy on the phone or an email at least. It wasn't like a bot or a hit the text help app.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Well, you ever try to get a hold of Uber? You got to text. It's crazy. There's no phone number even. You got to like write in. It's crazy. And it takes two days for them to get back.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Because look at the way he's holding that McDonald's box. That's the movements of a homosexual. Look at that. Oh, yeah. That's a homosexual. Oh, that's a happy meal. That's the only time he's touching a box. He's caught at McDonald's, too. This guy can't stay away from McDonald's. I know, and he's an RFK fan.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You not talking is a real good sell. How do you feel as a paisan?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
But people are like, he shot a guy in the street. That's really gone up. That's what's cool about him being Italian. You can make racist jokes still about him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
My joke on him. Hey, you can put him in jail, but he's just going to get out through the pipes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Didn't get a laugh. I just got a that's good. But I'll take it. Not on the Burt roast or whatever the fuck. Jelly roll roast. Oh, I could have used that one on the jelly roll.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Of course. Of course. Did any of them hit? Yeah, a couple hit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Jeez, I can't. This is how ill-prepared I was. I had nothing memorized.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, it's the best. It's the best of the year. I don't know. Well, you got eight nights.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I know. Because the jokes were solid. So I was just like, I'll read it. It'll be great. Which is a, you know, cardinal sin number one. But I got off stage and Kid Rock saw me in the green room and he goes, hey, I'm Mark. And he goes, horrible performance. And I go, good to meet you. Oh, fuck him. I know, he's a bit of a cunt. Fuck him. But he was right. He was right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, yeah. Well, he was half in the bag, but that's how he is. He's like a blunt, you know, I say how it is kind of guy. I shoot from the hip. I tell it like it is. And he owns that town. We went to his bar after, and it was like, Jelly Roll went up, Burt went up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
The whole group went. We went to his bar, and he had a band, like that guy Marcus King.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He was there. I mean, it was just like a who's who, the jelly rolling on, the place went apeshit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Well, I also zinged him a lot, and I think maybe he was like, oh, fuck this guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I just, you know, kept it light. I said, you know, he's ball went to bed, and he sucks, and Big J looks like the last guy to listen to Kid Rock. And I had a couple, but... He didn't like them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
No, they weren't on it. And he's laughing on stage. But I went third to last, and it was like a... 14-person roast. I'm just scratching out jokes. Hey! Speaking of last. Oh, God. Good to have you there. They let the pig right in here, didn't they? What are you wearing, a burka? What the hell is this?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Well. We had La Rizzler. We had Chris D. We had Luigi.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Women who kill. That was always a big one with the lady comedy shows. Funny period.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Gashes and giggles. Flapping lips. Yeah, there's all kinds of them out there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Sure. He's a lot, I hear. But that's so cool. I mean, was he like, let me see your feet? I wish. He loves feet. I know. Not my feet.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You don't get yelled at by him. That would be scary on the phone.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
It was Jew on Jew crime, was it not? He was Jewish, yes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Sorry, sir. You're trying to set up a nice magic show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That was fun. It was a little choppy, unfortunately, because I was hiding in the broom closet of a comedy club in Rhode Island. So it was a little choppy, but we pulled it out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Look how beautiful. Hey, look at Corolla's fat ass.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You got it. You're doing great. Wait, do I need water in this one?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
What the fuck? Wait a minute. Oh, three and a half. Wait a minute.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah, you put an Asian girl on the screen. DeRosa's fucked.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I don't get it. Jeremiah is so funny. He's so good at this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I love it. Some people are like, you're going to fight that guy? How crazy? I'm like, no, I think it's fun. It's an honor. Yeah, I'm into it. So keep going on, Jeremiah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, jeez. This is nuts. You remember it, or are you just a bleeding gash?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I do. All right, Sam, here we go. He's got it. Hatchet wound.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
But I know you're not thrown off, are you there? This is part of it. They do this. They do this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Like the outfit, like it all kind of- It all works. It all works. Yeah, he's good at it. I mean, too bad he doesn't have his own act. But, you know, he's great at the, no, I'm just kidding. Jeremiah's the man, and he nails it. Everything he does, he kills.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, my God. This is unbelievable. Because you were saying that you found prizes in here, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
So why don't you just enjoy it instead of trying to get the truth out of the guy?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
So, wow, what a week. Celebrity Theater, Larry David, Quentin Tarantino, the mothership. I mean, you're all over.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You can't beat it. I mean, the guy with the Santa guy with the bell, the tree in Rockefeller, the ice skating, the hobo pissing with the dirty Santa hat.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Whoa, the mark of the beast. How'd you do it there, Seth? Man, that was great. All right, guys. Well, thanks for having me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Indianapolis, Nashville, Connecticut. I'm looking at your dates.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Eugene, Oregon. She's in Illinois, Maryland, and San Diego.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Right. The green room is in the vault. They still got the big old metal door. But wait, let me run this by you. Did Tulane University on Tuesday, you went there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah, well, the rep is on his way, so we'll yell at him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Baby. Oh, my God. Thank you. I'll open it off there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Also known as Jew Lane. Yeah. I did some Hamas jokes. They were like, yeah! it's larry david's crowd basically uh then flew in to do a one-nighter with list in jersey got home at 1 a.m had a 7 a.m flight to nashville hell hell and uh the fumes are kicking in i'm like two lane to jersey to nashville because we can't say no i feel sick right now because i know keep moving
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I'll be back in the clubs going to Houston Improv. Then the Stand Up Live in Phoenix where you just did the Celebrity Theater. And I'll be at Addison Improv in Dallas. And then the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville. Then I got a make-up date with Asheville. Not to be confused with Gashville where Rachel's from. Where I am in Nashville. Yeah, that's a make-up date for the hurricane.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, yeah. What's that old Geraldo joke about the baby Jesus? That's a woman who really stuck to her story.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He's funny. Funny guy. Whatever happened to him? But, yeah, keep a lookout for Geraldo and Geraldo, and we're here. We're queer. Thanks a lot. We might be drunk. Rachel was on for 11 minutes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Well, it was Jelly Rolls roast. And I was like, ah, Whitney, Tony, Bert, Big J, Adam Ray. It was like a who's who. And I was like, I want to be a part of that. And you start thinking, I just got to get on a plane. All you got to do is sit with a suitcase. How hard can it be? But it's the waking up. It's the drinking. It's the no sleep. And so it was hell. But got to Nashville on no sleep. I'm.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Burning the midnight oil. Bert goes, you want to do Something's Burning? I can't say no. I go, let's do it. The roast is until 8. Who is it with? It was me and Big Jay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
And Bert got a big Airbnb. We made Nashville hot chicken. We started drinking immediately.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He can cook if he don't mind no hand washing. Hey, speaking of no hand washing, that's a hell of a sandwich. This is who I want to see on the holidays. Howdy, sailor. Hey. Good to see you, man. You look great. Thanks, man. What are you, cut back on the sauce? Oh, no. You're good. You're good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That was one of my jokes at the roast. We had Bert with no shirt on and Tony, and I said, no T to low T. Bombed. How was the... Well, I just... Jelly Rolls roast on Wednesday. Okay. Is the breath that bad?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Sorry. Can we get it? We've got a frame on that. He's got a wide torso.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah. I'm going to the family, the wife's family, and they got kids running around. Without the kids, it's kind of sad, to be honest.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Jelly Rolls Roasts. And it was a real who's who at Zany's. Sold out. Kid Rock is in the fucking rafters. And Cole Hauser, the guy from Westwood. Yellowstone. Yellowstone. That's it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
And it was like a lot of people there. And Jelly Rolls on stage. I... Was drunk from something's burning, and I didn't really prepare that much. I bombed my face off, and I had like a- Like straight wall-to-wall bomb? I got a couple chuckles on the bomb, like how bad I'm- This is going horribly. I got some save lines. You and Andy Kindler. Yes. That sucked. Look at me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I'm trying to look at my notes. I'm drunk. That's after I went on. Is that his wife? That's his wife.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Never a good sign when you're looking at your notes after you go on. Because I'm like, where did I go wrong? I fucking died. I apologize to Jelly Roll. It's pretty humiliating. Because all your comic friends are on stage with you. Like, what's going on? What are you doing?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Who had the worst night of the night? I don't want to say. I would tell you if I didn't bomb that bad. But one guy had a real.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You saw the deus. Oh, there's the guy from Yellowstone. No, honestly, I'm really, I don't know. Chris Porter killed, oh, what's Will Compton did better than me? He's an athlete. I'm going to point. He went undue, Will, from Bush. Yeah, yeah, he did great, actually. I'm going to point, but don't show it. Okay, I mean, I think you know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah. No one wanted to tell you. No. I mean, obviously, Christmas is great, but when you got these kids running around, they're ripping open the presents. They're like, oh, my God, a Nintendo or whatever kids are playing with. No, kids do help. Oh, yeah. Halloween, obviously, kids. Oh, look what we got here. Oh, we got to talk about this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He had a bit of a meltdown. But I had one of those bombs where... Sorry. Never mind. No, just saying.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He killed... He did a... He did Let Me Do What a Jelly Roll Song Every One of Them Is. And he sang it and it broke down his structure and it was great. Chris is amazing. He's so underrated. Chris Porter. Funny dude. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He had that old joke about drinking and smoking. Like, you don't have to drink when you smoke, but you got to smoke when you drink. It's kind of like how you don't have to pee. You can pee without shitting, but when you're shitting, you got to pee.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I fucked it up, but it's a great analogy. That's amazing. He also looks like an ugly Willy Wonka. Is that Oakerson in the back there? Yeah, Oakerson. Let me give Oakerson, as the kids say, his flowers. Yeah. He didn't know it was a roast. He thought it was just like a happy birthday party. So he went up and winged it a la Patrice O'Neal at the Charlie Sheen roast. Really? And crud.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He was just completely honest. He's like, I didn't know this was a roast, but this is how I feel about Tony. This is how I feel about Whitney. This is how I feel about Jelly Roll. And it was crushing. Do you remember the lines? I don't. All I remember is Whitney had a tank top on. He goes, I know you just had a kid, but you brought the twins. That's all I can remember. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Whitney annihilated. Whitney might have had the best stuff. Burt said he flew with her from L.A. and she was writing the whole time. Six hours. So just, you know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I got a ton. I need to organize it, but I got a lot of it. I got a lot, too. That's fun.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I know. We got to talk about Luigi. Oh, I guess it's pretty topical.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It does feel like when you start painting, a lot's gone wrong.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
So is Rosebud's. I like, you know, I'm just not good. I see her work. I'm like, oh, I'm shit, so why even try this? But it is kind of like therapeutic when you paint. I think you're like, you're getting something out, kind of. Oh, for sure.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Can you get the music, too? The music's the best part. Are we going to get... Oh, that's a good time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's cute. I like it. That's great. Yeah, it's not bad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, it wasn't Obama. It was a dude from the Middle East.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
If I was in a hotel room and I was on the wall, I'd be like, that's cute. I like it. Yeah. You'd be like, all right, I got to upgrade. Put me in a good mood.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't know. You're worried about Whitney doing blackface on her pod? Brownface? Indian face? Could go either way.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. Yeah, you could do worse. Also, do you saw the thing with her husband?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Also, whatever he did to a woman is probably not worse than what Trump has done to a woman.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You threw in childless because you just had a baby. You eliminated yourself from that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
By the way, Whitney just had a baby. We put a dead baby next to her.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Just kidding. Schaub's whiskey is $90 a bottle and Bodega Cat is only $40.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We're made for people. We respect our fans and we don't want them to overpay for our whiskey.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
This fucking, whatever this Kit Kat was, was fucking delicious.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's the key. Which of these should I try? I want to try one of these kombuchas. Mark, are you doing it? Oh, I'd like to have one as well.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Pineapple, orange, nutmeg, green tea, and kombucha. What about the alcohol? Where's the hard kombucha?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, those days are long past. What is she, 60? Yeah. No, she's got to be reasonable. At least, you know. Menopause, you mean? Never? Yeah, menopause.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's why they keep doing these debates. You know, like, who's it for? They give good views. I mean, politics is the new sport. I know, but think about how much money is wasted on our elections. It's fucking insane.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, but you can spend, what, 15 million per week or whatever they're spending? Crazy. I'm not the numbers right, but you know what I mean. I know, it's bad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
When I was a kid, it was also like you didn't lead with your political. Yes. You didn't like, you're not like, fuck you, MAGA. Like, fuck you, I'm with her. You were just like, hey, I'm Sam. Yes. It wasn't like the first thing you let. It's weird. Sometimes you go to a small town and that's how they still are. And they're like shocked. Right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's the hard thing, right? Because Twitter is definitely the most free speech place, but man, it is a fucking cesspool. I'm for free speech, but you're like, man, at the same time, this does bum me out. I can be for both.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Usually you would used to just be a comic on stage getting that out. Now you got this shit in your pocket, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Holy shit. So many people we know are just unraveling. Yeah. This is like you're like you're either going to look back at this and feel so much shame or even worse. You're not. I know. This is just who you will become forever.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Once you have 12 kids, one of them is going to be trans. When you're playing with those types of numbers. That's true. The odds. Also, like. Well, why do you have to keep coming in people at a certain point? I understand having like a few kids, but like 12?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, but when you have like, when you have the CEO of four companies, you got to have 12 kids. You're not going to be there for two kids.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I think you don't care. I think I think honestly, that's where like the ultra rich.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Whoa. But that's where the ultra rich and the ultra poor come together is they just will both come in anything. That's true. They will just like, I think if you're rich, you're like, it'll be fine. I'll just, you know, and if you're poor, you're like, my life is fucked anyway. I'll just keep coming in people. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Have you seen that shit on Netflix? Yes. Menendez Brothers?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We had Renee Ramsey. We had six. But there wasn't a 24-hour news cycle back then.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
This is like the Zabruder films here. This is crazy. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I thought Halloween was supposed to be scary. Now they're like, please don't shame the unable.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's a great costume. Are these out now? People are saying you can't do this? This is a list of problematic shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
All the cool people would come to the costume in the offensive costume. Of course. That was always the cool person.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, that's great. By the way, I was in Amsterdam a week ago. I could not get into the Anne Frank house. It's a hot ticket. It was so... I was like, I didn't really have to fucking know somebody to get in here. It was so frustrating. Yeah. Because it was like torrential downpour, and I knew I had to make a... This is like the most classic.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I posted on Instagram, like, I can't get Anne Frank tickets. What do I do? And like in a story and all the responses are like Jewish mafia, like Schumer, Jessica Seinfeld. They're like, how can we help? I'm like, I don't fuck it. I was just trying to be funny. I don't know. And then I found a ticket online.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And when I got there, I found out it was it was like a walking tour, which I'm like, I didn't know she was walking. I thought that was a problem. She was in a fucking hiding. Yeah, she was hiding. So they're like, no, the walking tour is three miles away. And I was like, it's like a thunderstorm. So I'm like pleading with the person. I'm like, can you please, like, just can you make any room?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. I'm like, please make room. And they're just, she was like, there's nothing I can do. Oh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
If I was a Jew in the 40s, I wouldn't have had a place to hide. I'm not a good enough planner. That's true. No, but we went to the Van Gogh thing right before it, and I got tossed. Some of the people in Amsterdam, the shows were fucking amazing, but the people were kind of pricks. I had a little guy throw us out of the museum. Like a midget? No, he was like 5'4". A beater? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Damn it. Is there anything that could happen to us? It's like a fat chick on the phone.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That was episode two of Taxi, was Judd Hirsch falls for this girl on the phone, and they meet her, and she's fat. Oh, it's hilarious. But it's a tender tale. He's very nice about it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Name one ugly Disney star or- Yeah, but no one's fucking a kid because they're going to be hot. They're not talent scouts. They're hot now. Yeah. They're into it now. They're not like, someday this is going to pay off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Really? Get the hell out of here. It's a porn category. I know dudes who are into that. That's true. Well, your tits probably got way bigger, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Is it because you're scared the guy might leave because you got bigger?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
What's a good gift for a baby shower? Because you had one. Help me out here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I should get you a gift card to a place that doesn't exist anymore. Like, dude, you like borders? Fuck with borders? Dude, I got you a $100 gift card to the Wiz.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We heard the theory about like on TikTok over there, it's like all productive shit. And then over here, it's like, it's like a dude in a car. Like, let me see which sandwich is better. You know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But the irony is like, yeah, we're becoming worthless. But like these influencers that are like testing food on there are making millions.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
So they might be thinking they're getting us. But these dudes are fucking killing it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Really. But you seem like someone who would, like I remember seeing Rosebud and how angry she would get pregnant. Mm.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm a big fan of doing it vaginally. Better than butt sex.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's how I feel about the robe. Giving birth seems like a more intense thing. The no sleep.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, I've never done that. If it's a late show and I'm fucking like 40 in and I have a whiskey and I want to go to sleep after, I'm like, fuck it. Boom, boom. What do you say to the audience? I say muscle relaxer and it gets a laugh usually and then I just fucking...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, but then the Peters are like, he ate too much. I'm turned off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Cover your mouth. Say who it is. Oh, I did see that. Who?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Smoking weed. Do you ever have a panic attack on that shit? Because I freak out on edibles. I can handle like none of it. You can smoke weed.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You've never done like Adderall, any of that stuff? I was... Adderall is good stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't know. I have horrible ADD though. And it helps me focus is what it does.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It looks like he might be, if we can make this movie that Mark and I wrote.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I just stuttered. That's how sad that made me. Do you hate Woody?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Hand on Her Sisters is a masterpiece. We were just watching one recently, though. Fuck. What's the one? You know what? We were watching one recently. Crimes and Misdemeanors is unbelievable. Unbelievable. Hand on Her Sisters is unbelievable. Sure, sure. I just- Bullets Over Broadway is incredible. Yes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No, no, no. We're talking after this about this. But we were just watching Deconstructing Harry because it's on Amazon and we just threw it on. Him making out with Elizabeth Shue made me a little angry. It's a little weird. I was like, I wouldn't have the confidence to do that. If we were the same age. Right, right. This guy's like the most nebbishy motherfucker. That's true. That's a good point.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Listen to this. Listen to this. I never could stand... Wait, no, that's... I hate Woody Allen. I dislike that kind of man. But let's get the full quote because it's a funny quote.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No, no, no. Orson Welles on Woody Allen. It's a funny quote. You don't want Orson Welles saying that about you. Holy shit. Yeah, can you imagine? Because you know that guy's fucking... Yeah, can you make it bigger or no? But yeah, Woody, come on. The movies are great. All right, there we go. I hate Woody Allen. I dislike that kind of man. I can hardly bear to talk to him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He has that chaplain disease. The particular combination of arrogance and timidity sets my teeth on edge. He's arrogant. He writes, he's not arrogant. He's arrogant. That's why I pulled it up. Like all people with timid personalities, his arrogance is unlimited. Anyone who speaks quietly and shrivels up in company is unbelievably arrogant. He acts shy, but he's not. He's scared. He hates himself.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And he loves himself. A very tense situation. It's people like me who have to carry on and pretend to be modest. I love Worshenwells.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
To me, it's the most embarrassing thing in the world. A man who presents himself at his worst to get laughs in order to free himself from his hangups. Everything he does on the screen is therapeutic.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
that's like his game and he worked i hate that shit do you know because that's how like creeps function they're like who me right you're like he would never do you know what i'm saying and i'm not saying he's a creep i just mean i'm not talking about no i know what you're saying stuff with the daughter and any of that shit that's why i hadn't pulled that though because what you said like is the exact same thing there is something about that type of guy like oh shucks look how
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I hear you. Really? In some of his later movies, though, he is kind of like an asshole. In a movie like Deconstructing Harry, so he's kind of become that asshole. Right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Have you heard Wayne Fetterman's joke? He's like, Woody Allen's my hero all these years and still married to the same daughter.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, it's a Mary Kay Letourneau thing, right? Like she she fucked the student. And then once she got out of prison, they ended up together.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
all right i'm sending you a couple though after this pod that you're gonna you are gonna like tanner sisters i'm just saying so is bullets over broad i'd probably enjoy it all if there wasn't all this drama around it i think there's a certain point where if you're gonna make magic movie magic get your personal life in order okay but how many how many people if we look back are problematic you can't every single marlon brando did some fucked up shit i don't
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I hate when Polanski does some fucked up shit. You know what he is? You're telling me Chinatown is not a great movie?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, wow. Really? It was like every Woody Allen movie for a period. Yeah. Correct. Every Woody Allen.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You can't diminish the work of a hundred something people or more on a movie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No one was more prolific. I mean, no one. There's some turds out there for sure. Yeah, no, there's some bad ones, but guess what? There's a shitload of... Really good movie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Something's fishy about a lot of megastar Hollywood people.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I mean, you're telling me Tom Cruise isn't kooky. There's some kooky fucking megastars. Will Smith isn't kooky.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I mean, it was a big... Did he have to YouTube how to shit to make it not destroy a piece of paper properly?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yes, bloody shit. At this point, he's like doing the stand-up. It's like you're announcing a special. Just do the shit then at this point. I know, I know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You know what's weird? Peaky Blinders did the same thing. Kellyanne Murphy, shit out, season six.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Not the best comedy city. I love New Orleans to death, but comedy-wise, Vegas is pretty damn good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But Skankfest has become a destination thing, right? So maybe it works.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's a transient city. I mean, Vegas has become one of my favorite comedy cities. Really? Yeah, because the locals are great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Vegas can be cool when you get the right crowd. I mean, like the last few times I've been there have been great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You just became a mother. This is child abuse. What are you doing? I said I like the city. I don't love it. Come on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Frank will pop up on my Instagram sometimes, and it's just like how to do an impression, and I watch it every time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, but it's amazing. Really? He's a great impressionist. He is good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Tape Face beat me on AGT. He's amazing. He's big. He is fucking phenomenal.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He was at your show. A blue man? One of the blue men is at your... He's friends with Ruby, I think, because I met one of them the other day. Which one did he date?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He had a wax chester. Yeah, yeah. A girl asked me to shave my chest in college, and I did it like a fucking idiot. I saw the picture once, and I was like, ugh, I hate myself. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
She actually got thrown out of my show at the Madison Square Garden Theater.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's so tough. Well, I had a choice, and I was like, fuck it, I'll do it. Why not? But I was a kid.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And it's just so... God, what a fucking... That guy's going to have a... That's a Joker-like origin story.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
When we're trying to get our nutrition on point, we don't always want to be bugging our gym rat friends with questions. Lumen lets you have your own metabolic coach right in your pocket. The Lumen device measures your metabolism through your breath. The app will let you know if you're burning mostly fat or carbs and gives you advice to help improve your nutrition, your workouts, your sleep.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I have a good bit about this where the bit is how I saw a headline that said cougars in the classroom, the alarming rate at which teachers are now sleeping with their students. Yeah. Like that's how much worse it is when like women do it. It's not a crime. You never see a headline like, fuck, I'm going to fuck up my own joke. Silver Fox Dilf. Right, right. It's cougar. No, priest fucks again.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We need sleep help. And even your stress level. Yeah, this stuff is really cool, man. I think you should give it a shot. We all need to be a little more fit, a little more healthy, especially if you're pounding the bodega cat.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And when you're drinking, let's be honest, you're not eating that well either. This stuff's easy to use. Just breathe into the device like a breathalyzer when the cops pull you over. First thing in the morning and after your workouts and meals, Lumen will give you an idea of what's going on with your body in real time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
So if you want to take the next step in improving your health, go to lumen.me slash drunk to get 15% off your Lumen. That's L-U-M-E-N dot M-E slash drunk for 15% off your purchase. Thank you, Lumen, for sponsoring today's episode.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Did they do like a fucking hose or something? It's awful. There were hose there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yes, yes, exactly. You know, hottie boy scout master. You know what I mean? I'm talking on my own shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's also that she would have the strength to beat a 60-year-old alcoholic comedian. I love Doug Stanhope. How have we never had him on here?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He's in New York right now. Right now? Yeah. Do you want to hit him up?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Sorry, sorry. I know, but you brought him up. I'm like, I'm mad he's never been on. He's an alcoholic. It'd be perfect. I was rude, Whitney. You are one of the best guys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We had a great moment because you went to the bathroom and Mark was FaceTiming him. And Mark's like, yeah, you were here, but it's fine. Whitney's chatty. And instead of laughing, he goes, I love her stories. And I was like, oh, God damn it. They're in love. Mark's... Mark's joke's just fucking, and I laughed at it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
There's a lot of addiction. And if you miss, you're kind of fucked. Yeah. It's like they're hurting themselves physically.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Let's hear their side of it. The N-word is like, you could have just said try harder. I would have gotten it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Wow. I have to. You could have had like a Sunset Boulevard, like cool ass.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Jaguars are cool name. Wow. That's what you took from that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Do you think he's going to get off before this shit goes to trial? Cause too many powerful people are at play here or what?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
There's one you're leaving out that's a pretty cool city.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
If you're doing something that shady and there's a camera, isn't a party like, maybe I should do this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You know what's crazy? I told you the Chaz Palminteri story, right? Maybe. You were out of town. I was supposed to go to Chaz Palminteri's one-man show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, anyway, I was supposed to go to the one man show. I was so pumped to go and I got like pretty sick and I had fully loaded the next morning. I was like, if I don't rest up, it's going to be a long weekend. So I text him like, I'm so sorry. I can't, you know, I'm just feeling pretty rough, but I really want to see it. And he was like, I totally understand.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I see Mike Lavin, homeless pimp at the airport. The best. Who, you know, directed the show. Yeah. And I see him in the LaGuardia lounge and he goes, dude, it's like the Attell joke. You should have hung out. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck, what happened? He goes, Kevin Spacey came through. He goes, we had dinner with him all night. We got drunk. He was the man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
All I'm thinking is if I got there, I would have got him on this pod somehow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Kevin Spacey. I just feel like the Kevin Spacey ep of this would be fucking epic. I mean, Stormy Daniels did stand up for 10 minutes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Where someone just says like, yeah, a gunshot. Bill Clinton is Teflon. Everything slides off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He even came back from the DNC. I was like, what the fuck? I thought this guy was in trouble. Wild. It's the island. You can't get mad at Trump for what he did and celebrate Clinton.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Lines. A new line. Yes. You know Hulk Hogan was originally offered the George Foreman grill?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, Clinton was the classic example of a guy who got away with shit just due to charm.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It was due to charm that he got away with it for so long, that kind of slow southern accent. Oh, yeah. And just knowing how to game people. I mean, he just knew how to fucking crush people.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We need to get back to what made this country great. Straight, white. Tomorrow's straight up, but just kind of nice, man. A little fucking. Very nice. Yes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Why are we putting cinnamon in our whiskey? Unless Bodega Cat does a cinnamon whiskey edition in case I say it's a good idea.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
RTDs. Yeah, look, we're going to do that with Bodega Cat. We're going to do like Manhattan's, Boulevardier's, paper planes. We're going to do little cans. I love that shit when you're on like a flight and they have those little tip-top whatever. Yeah. Already made. I love that shit. When you're lazy, you just pour it over ice. You're good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'll be honest. That's one of my favorite hobbies. I love seafood.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We've got to chill. You just gave us the ice for the shaker. Oh, I see.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Then you could say the same of the Simpsons because they're Harvard writers. But are they making fun of Homer?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Or tell me a great anxiety joke. Don't just fucking tell me your problems. I didn't come here to forget my problems by just listening to your problems.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Although, how great would that be if this was somehow a plant? Oh, my God. If somehow they fucking got us.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And then slowly she's, like, she's sliding shit out that's, like, CIA stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
She didn't show her tits. She just talked about how she sucked dick, and now she's the number four podcast on all of iTunes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
There's a grandma and her granddaughter, like, Hak Tua. It's her. She's the Hak Tua.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No. Oh, yeah, I do remember a little. Yeah, he was at one of the debates or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I know what you mean. Some of these just meet people. who have no aspirations to be a comic. I was just in Ireland, and every fucking person who stopped me on the street, I'm like, why is this dude funnier than me? What the fuck? So funny. I ran into so many people just walking around Dublin or Belfast. Oh, yeah. I fucking love it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
There's something about repressed Catholicism that makes me laugh, too, where it's the same shit in Ireland as it is in Boston. Yes. Where you're like, these dudes are just fucking funny. I know. But they're not trying to stand up. They're like, no, it's just for my friend. No, I'm just fucking, I'm busting chops. It's like that type of energy. Totally.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Right. Yeah, this wasn't for you. Congratulations. Comedy's for everybody.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I didn't say, hey, we should close down this restaurant because I'm not really into the menu. I was like, you know what? I just not nothing really resonated. Right. But you don't get angry. You're right. It's a very strange.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, yeah. Well, I got enough for all of us because- Well, okay. This is a fucking peeve. I got one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, that's- This happened. So I landed- They should be killed. I landed- Cutters, fine. On a red eye to London. And no sleep. And you land at Heathrow Airport. It's just like that fucking setup where you have to get on the elevator to get downstairs. That's crazy. Everyone's lined up. Everyone's just like, fuck. So we wait in line. This woman tries to cut in. And my girlfriend's psychotic.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
She boxes her out. You mean awesome? I know. But I mean, but this is where she's psychotic. No, that was cool. And then and another woman, she goes, no, you get in. And she like boxed her out for another person to get in because they were online. And then we get in and the woman goes, oh, really? Oh, really? And then, you know, she just said back, nice try.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And she goes, oh, an American, of course. And she says back, bye, sweetie. And the door's shut. And I was like, we just got here. You couldn't let us have like a fucking 10 minutes in London before we could move on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I hear it's a great movie, by the way. I heard Paddington 2 is flawless from what I've heard. I've never seen it, but people are like, that's the greatest movie ever. We're done with the pedophilia talk.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I always get annoyed when the person is like, I got to make my flight and they cut the line. You're just like, Yeah, no, I do too, but I just woke up earlier than you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Although, dude, I haven't gone international in a while, and my global entry ran out like a week and a half ago, and I was like, fucking kill me. So, you know, that was a pain in the ass. So you had to go with the general pop? general pop on the way back where you're like, when you're used to the global entry, but look, it's the first world.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Technology has come a far way and I still don't care for you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
All right, all right, all right. I'll say this about the, I was just always in all the Scandinavian countries, you know, like Norway, Sweden, fucking Copenhagen, Amsterdam, amazing. Amazing. But it is amazing you're in like Copenhagen or, you know, Sweden or wherever and like, They all speak great English. I know. It's not their language. You make sure you're not such a piece of shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'd walk into a store and they'd be like, blergan, blergan. I'd be like, is there a bathroom here? And they'd be like, oh yeah, right over there. And I'm like, you speak English?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That makes me very uncomfortable. This is like a Jordan Peele movie. What the hell is going on?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I hate Sweden. My godfather's Swedish, and I don't know him well, but it's like he's like a very, you know, dignified, sweet man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, my mom was a single mom at the time, so it's so funny that my godfather was just like a much older gay Swedish man who was like very posh. Amazing. And my mom was like, he'll raise you. If my mom died, I would have had the most different childhood ever. Oh, that's true. So I remember like, you know, I told my mom, I was like, does Johan want tickets in Sweden?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And she goes, I don't think Johan can handle your material. And I was like, yeah, I did just work on a cum in the sink chunk. Probably not for the best.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That is so funny. Damn. I would have a very different life.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And she took good care of him too. She's the reason he made it to like 72.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I think they were doing a documentary. Oh, wow. Which, by the way, the fact that he did that shit on camera. True. What's going on behind the scenes? Although Hollywood is such a funny book. I love that they put an ad in front of this woman beating video. And he was not a looker. No.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Damn. Gross. He was not a handsome man. He talked about it a lot. He knew. Oh, shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, he at least picked the right age. Look at Michael Jackson. He went to at least of age.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I mean, I've seen the- Dude, my friend, so my friend Alex Wolf is an actor and he's in Pig with Nicolas Cage and they're friends. And Alex is playing- You have to turn it up. He's playing Leonard Cohen in this movie coming out and it looks, it's awesome. I saw an episode of it. He's amazing as Leonard Cohen.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But he's playing me voice messages from Nick Cage and they're just everything you would hope. Whoa. Every message I'm like, wow, this guy's the coolest.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
How many takes do you think he's doing of this shit? Yeah. Ah. Ah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, that's fun. Mark at his new apartment. Yeah, yeah. He's giving us some good entertainment. Oh, yeah. God bless him. Face off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
By the way, if you haven't seen Red Rock West, that's a fucking great Nick Cage movie from the 90s. Never heard of it? Underrated. Made by John Dahl, who did Last Seduction. Great movie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Right, right. Also, you don't want to say it again in case they heard it and didn't like it the first time. It's tough.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Unless it's someone you really were close with. That's true. It is weird.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yes! 103 is insane. That's crazy. You really expected it to make it that long? That's crazy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yes, yes. What happens when this goes away and people are like, I can't hire you. You're bipolar. Oh, that's a good point.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You guys have more stalkers than we do, for sure. Definitely. I don't know. Yeah, definitely.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, I'm just saying. What if he started dating like one of those Down Syndrome models? What do people say then? They're like, oh, well, you know. Yeah. Is he a hero or is he a predator? Yeah, that's true.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I talked about it in like my – So is this guy effeminate?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's not in the cards. It's also like the nuclear family is almost like over. Yeah, it feels like it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Interesting. I understand that. But no, congrats on the kid. Are you going to have one? I don't know. You have to.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, we want more of you on this podcast. Yeah. You're one of the best guests.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Truly, truly. You're great. No, this was such a good episode.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I got... Hilarities, November 21st through 23rd, and then, you know, starting in February. We're going to add some club dates leading up to this. We're starting in February. We're going to get another tour cooking. Hopefully my material gets a little tighter.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We got Charlotte, North Carolina, Richmond, Virginia, Philly, Washington, D.C., Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, Mark's hometown, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham. Maybe I'll pop by and say what's up to your baby daddy right there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Ellen Page played a woman in that movie. There was a lot of great acting going around.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We got New Haven, Connecticut, Providence, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Portland, Maine, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo, Albany, Columbus. I'm going on forever here. Royal Oak, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, blah, blah, blah. Samuel.com.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'll be on the bus. So yeah, this is how afraid I am. I was like, I'll buy a bunch of Blu-rays for the bus. Watch Guy movie night on the tour bus.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm doing bus the whole fucking run. So 45 cities on the bus and then we'll do more in the fall. But yeah, punchup.live slash Mark Norman, punchup.live slash Sam Morell. Are you on Punch-Up yet, Whitney?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
See us on tour. Drink Bodega Cat Whiskey. DM Bodega Cat Whiskey on Instagram.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. And the baby's fine. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. But if you want in your city, you know, DM Bodega Cat. There's a lot of ways to do it. It's on Instagram, Bodega Cat Whiskey, at Bodega Cat Whiskey. And... It's a good time, man. It's a good whiskey. We're at the Strip House. Peter Lugers wants a piece of our shit, apparently. We're going through over 15 cases a week at the Comedy Cellar.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You know you want a piece of this shit. We're at all the comedy clubs that are hitting us up. This is going to be big. Miami Improv, Rhode Island Comedy Connection. All these clubs are hitting us up. If you're a comedy club, hit us up. Hilarities. We've got to hit them up. We've got to hit up all of them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
There we go. Well, hold the whoopee. Whitney, you're the best. See us all on tour. Just tried to queef, no doubt. We love you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Do you know what I mean? So it's like also, Mark and I frequent at nightclubs. So, yes, we do know what you mean.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And it probably helps your career if you're a young model. Yes. And you're probably getting more work after.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, you're the cop. You're Harlan Williams, basically. We're Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels and Dumb and Dumber. We also got, by the way, we got Kit Kats. Nice. Because we heard you like Kit Kats.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
So this is like Japanese Kit Kats. So it's crazy flavors. So there's dogs in it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
The best part is that he gets basically me too'd and everyone's like, oh, he's finished. And he comes out this night to like, yeah, look at this. Is this the night?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
This one is Chihuahua. And then we have chocolate mint matcha.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
This sounds like a VH1 show. What's wild about Hitler? There's someone recently that said Hitler the early years. I'm like, all right, he's not the fucking Stones.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No. No, but that's where he's in an incest and his cousin. Yeah, his cousin.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Let's do the math there. So that's like, she had what, a month?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
It's Mikey Madison, right? From Menorah. It's a girl from Menorah. He lit on fire in that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah. I got to see this. We got to get Sean Baker on here. I think he'd come on, right? Simon's our boy. Maybe he could hook us up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, and it's kind of funny like that was, too, but then also it's great. I loved it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I'll follow you anywhere, buddy. All right. Next week, two comedians arrested for kiddie porn.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
No, it'll math out. Save a month. 30 times what? Five? Is 150. So you said 130? Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. You bounce around. I could see that. Maybe she had longer than that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
He got kind of trashed, though, last time he did this, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, because they were like, it's just lacking in creativity.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Four will be dead. Yo, what's up, dude? Hey, hey. Thanks for coming through.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, I had the same thing with my kid. Oh, transitioning? Yeah, yeah. I went for it. No, look, I totally get it because you're like, what is it, a four-minute set? And then you're like 130. I get it, 140 sets.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah. Watching some Blake Griffin dunks. Some highlights. Take it off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Because I think it was the only hotel in that area. Yeah. He's got to be close to a billion. Probably. Well, because he never touched that Tonight Show money, they said.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
And he's a pirate, too? Yeah. That's cool. It looks like number two in like the second Austin Pass.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
No, Tobias Harris is a good player. Oh, okay. Blake was, I mean, still putting up crazy numbers, man. Thanks, man. He was. He did that, too. Thank you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Dude, upset now. We got Jalen Brunson and Cat. I love this. I love Josh Hart. I know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Well, you're going to be on Amazon next year with Dirk. Congrats, by the way. Thank you. But don't be another fucking show that just trashes my Knicks.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
It's incredible. But you and Dirk is... That isn't awesome. Dirk is... I love Dirk.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I got to ask you because you said you're going to try not to shit on players. What do you make of the Shaq versus Dwight Howard beef that just won't die? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
See, I felt like I was doing both of those things. I was like, fuck this guy, but also like, oh my God, that's incredible.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Oh, man, I wanted to ask you about that FX show. Did you watch it, the one about the Clippers?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
but yeah yeah so she killed it and she looked great even like the little silly stuff the Adam Sandler Chalamet thing you see that yeah yeah Chalamet Chalamet I mean Sandler was ready to go it's a risk to do the voice because she hadn't done an act out to that point it was all kind of just straight jokes totally and then she's like woo hoo ha ha you know the Sandler thing and you're like oh shit there's a risk but it worked it worked because it wasn't killing and then he saved it but then she kept going and then he brought it in and then she took another risk with that Pope thing I respected it
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Jesus. He's like, you got to watch this. Well, the thing is, I'm like the target audience for a show like this, and I was like, I don't want to fucking watch this. I listened to the, there was one podcast I listened to. I think you were on it. Yeah, Ramona Shelburne did it. That was good. Yeah, yeah. So that's how they sold the show. Of course. Because no one will buy anything without IP now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
But that's funny that, like this show didn't need to be made.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Winning Time was great. Yeah, that was good. But the basketball scenes were still like, you know. But somehow they cast a guy that looked like Magic and Kareem. Yeah. That was great. Those two guys were amazing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
That book is awesome, too. I didn't read it. That Jeff Pearl book is like, it's crazy. I mean, any stories about Pat Riley are fucking... There were rumors about you going to the Heat for a while. Were you ever like – did you ever want to go to Miami or no? A little – yeah, a little bit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, it's a hard thing to write. It's hard to write comedians because it just feels like you're forcing them to rib on each other too much. It's like, no, we also can just hang out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
But, yeah, it's hard to roast people who aren't in the room. So we just focus on, like, Diddy and Luigi because we're like, you've got to pick people in prison if they're not here. Right, right. What are we going to do, roast Machine Gun Kelly? We don't give a shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
We had a bunch written, and we were working them out, and they were not working. People were like, what the fuck? Really? Taylor Swift. It is hard to segue Diddy to T-Swift, though. That's true. In their defense, I was like, we could have worked on that. Both have screaming girls at their parties. That was one that we cut.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I had another one like, yeah, she broke more barriers than a girl from Oklahoma trying to get an out-of-state abortion. Yeah. That didn't make it. They cut a lot of ones. We had a bunch of T-Swift ones that didn't make the cut.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, so not bad. Better than most. Do you get tapped to do a lot of comedy stuff? Because you did Broad City. You're good in comedy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Oh, it's cool. Okay. You know, it was just silly. Yeah. Like she did a little bit of like that combination and then she started singing it and she did like a mic in her ear like, oh, this is terrible. It's bombing. And she was just trashing herself. Oh, that's good. Like I'm making a fool of myself in front of Elton John.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Didn't Kevin Hart beat Draymond in a shooting competition? Get out of town. Oh, yeah, that's right. They did an all-star. All-star. Draymond's, I mean. What? Yeah, Kevin Hart's not bad. That's embarrassing. I mean, look, I don't want to see him in an actual. I did the charity game at MSG this year, dude. I got to give you guys credit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Going up and down the court is fucking – I had, like, retired NBA players being like, dude, pick it up on defense. It's for charity. I know. Tim Thomas was like, dude, get back. And I was like, I'm sorry I didn't play in the fucking – Was Jamal Crawford playing that? Dude, he was on our team. He carried us. He's still incredible. He's insane. He's incredible.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
And he also, I mean, my mom wanted to come. So she's like sitting, you know, she's at courtside. I'm just like playing horribly in front of my mother, which is good. But Jamal Crawford's doing like spinning, fading threes. And she was like, this guy's incredible. I'm like, it's Jamal Crawford. Right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
For last games of your career... Dude, Jamal... I was such a fan of his and... I mean, you played with him for that whole time, right? That's crazy. He's awesome. He's just hilarious. He's calling Knicks games, and he's doing such a good job. None of us want to see Walt Frazier go because we love him, but eventually he will, and we're spoiled with him and Alan Hahn, who are both great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I've gotten Mark into basketball in the last couple years, and I have to explain Walt Frazier to him how cool Walt is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Dude. Oh, this is, that's on my Knicks. I remember that. Timafey. I watched that in a bar. Wow. And you were like super young here, right? That was my rookie year. Yeah. Oh. Because I remember being like, who the fuck is this guy?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I loved him, dude. So I remember that game, because I remember you had another spinning dunk that game, and Amari, it cut to Amari at the free throw line like... Like his way of being like, oh, shit, this kid's awesome. Damn. But he was also just, I mean, he dunked on me something vicious. Amari was so good that year. Oh, dude, he was. I loved him. He was. Best Jewish basketball player.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I think our next best is Dolph Shays from the 50s. Omri Caspi. Oh, yeah, he's good. Jordan Farmar, Jew. Jordan Farmar. Our first team Jew is not as bad as you think it would be. It's like saying Dave Chappelle's the coolest Muslim.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I've had plenty of inboxes. Mark used to have a great joke about when someone's racist to you, it's like a weird feeling because you're like, well, this is fucked up, but I can't believe how much he trusts me. Yes, that's true. It is nice.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
That is nice. It's a big thing, the whites. The Chappelle Show sketch where he did the black-white supremacist.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
But you still bomb. Yeah. I still bomb all the time because I'm trying new shit, and you're like, oh, my gosh, still. I did New Joke Night at the Cellar last night, and I just watched Louis bomb.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
yeah like a hard but we all bombed i mean it was like they were they were a tough crowd and we and if you're doing new shit you're gonna bomb but it's like man what a privilege to get to watch louis eat shit i know one of the best minds ever and some of them were hilarious but they're just they'll be great in like a week they're not ready yet yeah how uh like how often are you guys going up like right like this week how many times will you go up
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I did two last night. I got three tonight. Wow. I think three last night, two tonight for me. I'm up every night this week, but yeah, I'm in writing mode because I'm going hard on tour next month. Doing new, yeah. So I just got, I mean, I'm starting like a 50 city tour, so it's got to be new and good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I saw you on Norm's show back in the day, too. What? It was you and DeAndre. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is DeAndre a funny guy? Yeah, he's hilarious. He seems like a cool dude.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Maybe this is a sign that funny is back. It's not about anything but funny now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I want to hear more about the war. That's what I want to hear. Yeah, exactly. More war references. Yeah, yeah, I know. More celebrities saying we need to do something. I mean, that was one of our best jokes is the one that, like, you guys can do anything except tell people how to vote. Woo! I mean, because it's kind of like that's the tone now, and that kind of, you know. Right. Whatever.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
That's incredible. Imagine putting this in the pilot. I mean, this is, like, ballsy. That was fun. It's a great sketch.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Charlie Murphy, dude. Charlie Murphy, yeah. Paul Mooney. Oh, yeah. I mean, that was a fun show, man. We were watching it last time on the tour bus, and we're like, all these sketches hold up Player Haters Ball. Like, they all hold up. Prince. Prince. Oh, my God. That one was incredible.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
What are your all-time comedy? If you were on the road as a player and you need a comfort watch before bed, what were you throwing on?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I love SNL. Love Spanish comedy. Listen, we've had SNL people on the list. Fucking Blake Griffin, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Pull up a clip of Kawhi's laugh. I mean, he's, like, awkward funny, right? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
One of the best, one of the most talented players. Oh, he's insane.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
At the end, she said Sandy Hook wasn't real, which I thought was weird. I thought what Whitney did was really funny because...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I mean, Ernie is like one of the great hosts at anything. I mean, that's another skill, too, to put everyone at ease. You know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
up top she's just like i mean to me it reminds like the shit we would do on morning tv but you're on cnn new year yes so you're playing really to the people at home you're not you're gonna you have to just accept you're gonna bomb right that was a tough scenario and she she stayed in the pocket i couldn't believe it yeah i mean anderson cooper wanted to kill her yeah
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
that's funny but also like god dude but it's tough when a dude who like has all the accolades shack has is just shitting on people who have so many less right probably the most i mean he's the most dominant player of all time
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
This is rough. I mean, both of them are rough, but Kimmel really gets lit up here. It's unfortunate. He grew up in Brooklyn.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
That's embarrassing. I know. But this is not good. I mean, look, I played with the Rizzler, and even I can say this is bad basketball. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
did they do it in texas oh yeah it looks like yeah there's no way there's no way ted cruz had that many fans this is a home game yeah oh man poor isaiah thomas oh man what uh any um good drinking stories with players like even off night in the city and you're like we're getting we're getting lit up um yeah yeah uh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
It's up there. It's on the internet. Probably okay to play, right? It's on the internet. What? Why? Because he's topless, you mean? Yeah. If you say so.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Mark, I'm not saying I have the best gaydar, but that is a lesbian right there. Oh, got it. WNBA is having a moment, though, I feel like. I mean, you know. I mean, Kaitlyn Clark is... She's awesome, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Sure. He is. That dock on him was brutal. Did you see that? No. I mean, he watched his brother kill himself. What? He had a dark life.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah. When someone's doing that, do you ever reach out like, oh, you're killing it or something? Do you ever send a message?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
No, come on. I don't know. You're going to make the Hall of Fame. I hope. You're going now. We'll see. I think you're in. Rock and roll? Yeah. Right after the Ramones. This guy's in.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
It's just, it's like that Shaq shit where it's like, dude, you reached the mountaintop and you won.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I think he was at home. No, he jumped out the window. Whatever he saw, you can look it up. I'm pretty sure we watched him. This is uplifting stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
What was it like? I mean, he's got the Kobe pickup. What was it like being in L.A. at the same time as Kobe and having to – I mean, you guys were the team. It's weird to be the Clippers, but you guys were the team.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Physically. I love Nikki's joke at the Globes where she goes, what was it? Fuck. I'm butchering the joke I'm bringing up, but it's like, you know, night bitch, queen. Oh, yes. Just things Ben Affleck says during...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
No, we had Richard Jefferson on here, and I think that was the first time he mentioned the code switching thing. I think he might have asked him the same question. Is he mixed? No. He's just black, but he's— He's on TV. Might as well be mixed. Yeah. He's a pretty funny guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I think he's a cool—that was a great— Great—he drank a bottle of scotch alone. Oh, dude, he showed up to the cellar that night, and he left his wallet here, so I was— Ah!
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
he was oh he's missed he bought a bottle of lagavulin and i was like oh i guess i guess we're finishing this bottle yeah that's pretty awesome that was pretty you recorded where i was here oh here yeah all right he was great man yeah i imagine this is probably the earliest episode you've ever recorded i think it is we mentioned that but we're happy to get you in man what uh yeah i want to ask you a couple more things but i know you got a hard out but uh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Any, like, what was your favorite team to be a part of? I'm guessing it's the Clips. But that team always seemed like there was, like, a dysfunction to it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I mean, the Sterling thing, I'm sure you've talked about this to death, but I remember that happened during the playoffs. That's when the tape was leaked. That's insane that you're in the playoffs. Did you feel like that really brought you guys together where you're like, all right, we're playing for something?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I know we got emailed this rec when we used to do more Patreon stuff and when we would take user emails. It's a movie called, fuck, another round. Oh. Danish movie, Mads Mikkelsen. Dude, it's amazing. With the booze. It's about these teachers who are all miserable.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Who do you think is more racist, Donald Sterling or just your average fan in Boston? I got a soft spot for Boston. I've taped my last special there. I love Boston.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Can you give me some positivity? Do you really think they're a second-round exit team? It depends on their matchup. I think the only team that is definitively better than us right now in the East is the Celtics. The Orlando Magic, with everybody hurt, they're better. I'd be honest though, they scare me because they play, that coach is really good. Oh, he's great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
And dude, Wagner, the Wagner bros, that sucks Mo is out this season, but Franz Wagner's incredible. He's nasty. Bonchero's incredible. Suggs is incredible. It sucks all these injuries they have, but that team actually is like a playoff nightmare. Losing Hardenstein ripped my fucking heart out because of how he played, man. I loved him. Losing Dante really hurt.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
And they decide that, you know, they're talking about this philosopher who says your blood alcohol level is .5 too low, so if you can maintain an alcohol level of .5, then you're going to be better at your job. And this guy's a bore. Everyone can't stand him. He used to be interesting, but now he's just become boring. And now at school, the kids are loving him. He's engaging.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Randall, I've made peace with losing him. I was a Randall supporter until the end. We support ours here in New York, but Cat is ridiculous.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
So what are you going to do to get that? Trades. So who are you going to trade? We'll figure it out. We get Mitchell Robinson back. You know, bring up TJ Warren from the G League. Do you think he could still play? He's only 31. I haven't seen him play in a couple years, so I don't know, but he's talented.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
He's talented, and then we get, you know, I think we bring up Tyler Kolek, give him some more minutes. I know he's a rookie, but I like that. We're getting real deep right here. I know. Healthy Deuce makes a big difference. That guy, I love Deuce McBride. Yeah. Look, the Celtics were only a starting five for a minute, too. It took them a second to figure out the bench.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I think just give us a minute. We didn't know Peyton Pritchard was going to be this good. We didn't know. I did. Really? Well, I didn't know. He looks like a Rick and Morty character. I didn't think he'd be torching everybody. Pull up a picture of this guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
works so hard like just just the hardest no like he's one of those guys where you watch him playing you're like oh he's he's got like that that thing yeah i didn't know that like i didn't i didn't see this for him i he's surpassed what i thought he was going to be he's incredible do you think they're going to win it all again or do you think okc if they stay healthy i think they're they're the they're the by far the favorites this is who sterling wants hanging out with his
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
His wife is fucking him again. But then it's like, of course, it spirals out of control.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
So there's parts that are a little slow, but you've got to give it a minute to build. And, dude, the ending's amazing. It's awesome.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I'm sorry. Can we cut? I think your sub in could be a sketch thing. I think the idea of like a surgeon, he's having like a bad day. He's killing someone. They're like, get a sub in here. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Our buddy Ronan Hirshberg, who, by the way, made a short horror film that is amazing. Come on! I loved it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I had one last night that got something about like I have this whole like Luigi CEO chunk working. And now one of the things that bugs me is the the CEO. Everyone's like he was a father. And I'm like, well, that's sad, but that doesn't make me care more. Like, if a single person dies, I'm not like, well, luckily he had no one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, I think it's hard when the people who are like celebrating a murder, but it's tough also because protests don't do shit Yeah, it's not gonna change health care.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah We're not gonna know who it is. They're not gonna put him on the website the new vigilante.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
He loves it. Oh, great. Okay. It's what he said. He's like, you should watch this. I'm like, all right, slow down. He goes, I hate everything, so my rec should carry more weight. And I go, you know what? You got a point.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah. That's more than most Americans are doing, I think, right now. I think most people are, like, calling him a hero.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
He's actually going to be played very soon by Timothee Chalamet. It's his next character.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
There was another thing on the news where they're like, he's a fucking coward for shooting this guy in the back. And it's like, is shooting him in the front that much better? Hey, excuse me. Turn around.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Turn around. Yeah, that's true. There it is. It's all bad. Adolf.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I mean, look, Nick Nolte won sexiest man. Shit, looking back on stuff. Did he really? He was sexy back then, though.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
We don't want to keep you. We know you've got another pod, man. But thanks for coming by.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I would get Michael Phelps with Down Syndrome. They threw in the second part always.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
But is he in the NBA without LeBron? That is the question. Uh. Thanks for having me, guys. Like Jake Busey's the fine actor. Is he in movies without Gary?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
That was great. Thanks for having me. Yeah, starting the bus tour, folks. Charlotte, North Carolina, Richmond, Virginia, Philly, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Austin, Dallas, Houston, NOLA, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta. We're going hard. It's all February. Durham. Ooh. New Haven, Providence, Portsmouth, New Hampshire. I'm going to sell it to there. I can't wait.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Portland, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo, Albany, Columbus, Royal Oak, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee. This could go on forever. You guys get it. I'm coming to the West Coast, too. I'm coming all over. So if you didn't hear your city there, it is probably there or it's coming in the fall. Punchup.live slash Sam Morrell slash tickets or just Sam Morrell dot com slash shows.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah. Cool city. Dude. Yeah, very cool. Well, thanks to Blake Griffin. That was a great episode. He's awesome. You know the drill. Dude, I think we just got in San Antonio. We're moving. We're moving everywhere. New merch coming too. We're changing up the merch a little bit. Oh, yeah. It's a lot of cool stuff coming with Bodega Cat. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Order a bottle.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
But also, dude, we're going to have a big year. A lot of cool shit cooking. Mark and I got cool shit cooking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
The problem with the thing is we already have ADD, him doing the things. You were in the middle of another story. I know, and he brought the cans out. You're talking about Squid Games. He's bringing up pictures of Nikki's legs. Literally Googled Nikki Glazer's boobs. The problem is this is like when your friend's ignoring you while he's on your phone, but you see his phone.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
He typed in her legs. It was already up there for some reason. He'd already been searching this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
No, you're right. She's definitely, it's like when a player starts rebounding, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Me too. I resent when people ask, but I felt I needed to ask.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Well, that is kind of a part of having a great ass sometimes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I'll move on. It is funny, though, when you're like you're just so obsessed with for me, like tits is the first thing you're into when you're young. Like ass you appreciate as you're a little older. That's true. When you're really young, tits, it's all about, oh, my God, tits. Yeah. And then you hold them. You're like, they're just tits. You know what I mean?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
But you see all these movies and you're like, oh my God, the reveal of the tits, we built it up so much. But then same with fake tits. You're expecting this amazing thing and you're like, they don't move a lot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I went to wrestling at MSU. It was fun as hell, man. Did I tell you that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah. Fun. That's awesome. It's on Raw now. It's on Netflix now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, it's fun. And you see some people around you, you're like, oh, these people, they fucking need this. I like that. Yeah. I like that there's some hardcore people that are like, I don't know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I'm sure these wrestlers who gave everything to their life are really happy with the comparison. A, B, whatever.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
That's true. Wrestling, and that might be better than wrestling, because wrestling, people get hurt.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
The still shots are pretty funny, though. He looks like he's just laying down. Yeah, he does. He's like, hey, you need to lay down for a second, buddy? Doesn't look painful.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Dude, think about how sore we are just flying. Exactly. We're just flying to a road gig. I'm like, fuck, I'm stiff. These dudes are doing that and then just jumping off a top rope. They're older than us.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Oh, yeah. King Kong Bundy. No. I guess they all had to have three names. Yeah. They're like school shooters.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, it's not a good look. Also, they could have picked a more flattering outfit. I think that was the point. Yeah. Oh, man. Look at that. He looks like the fucking sloth from Goonies.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Died young. There you go. Hell do. How'd he go? He was a drug addict and an alcoholic for years, and I think DDP got him healthy. Diamond Dallas Page is an incredible guy, and he just gets people. He'd had this yoga program where he would let these guys live with him, and he just got them sober.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
He saved a lot of lives, and that was one of them, but I think-
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Got to appease the guests sometimes. You got that right, Fatty. Here we are. Mix it up. Went whole milk in the coffee today.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
You're right. That's interesting. Yeah, I mean, I kind of was like, they kind of nailed season one. I was kind of like, what are they going to, also the problem with some of these turnarounds with these big budget shows is like, by the time the second season comes out, you're like, oh yeah. I know, I know. It's so, like, what's it been, two, three years since this show was out?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, all right. Look, I thought the first one was pretty incredible.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Got pineapple and AIDS test. Test, not the actual watermelon. I haven't seen a fruit since, well, I feel like you should finish this one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
since something something gay yeah since the bar last night wow you smell great you look sharp it's a aqua uh aqua no carla de gregor what's a girl from uh she was a judge on america's uh yeah next best uh dance carla de gregor can you look it up for me jamie it's a migrant i know carla day i get aqua digio and this bitch mixed up all the time here it is laid it on thick there phil
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Well, I got a Persian friend that showed me how to do it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Tommy Hilfiger, polo sport. Oh, yeah, cool water. Cool water. That was the first cologne I remember my son was wearing when he first fingered a girl.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Which was about a couple hours ago. I sent after that. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to go inside of it when you've got your finger. There she is. That'll burn. It burns. So does loneliness, though. That's true. Well, we've all been through a lonely time. I got some gifts. Speaking of being lonely, I got some gifts for you guys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Well, I was told specifically by your producer, Matt, don't come empty-handed.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, real Jew-y move. It's all right. I got a bar mitzvah coming up. I can say that. We'll be right back. Long sleeve Phil shirt, and we got one for you, Mark. Thanks. And then one for you, Sam. You can open it yourself.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
all right cool thanks if you don't like it also i got a copy of my book we've got issues just a little promo press tour but we'll talk about a bunch of stuff well we got you some tequila if you're if you want to have a drink oh i'd love a daytime drink i'm a big fan of the show but i'm a bigger fan of daytime drinking with fun people hell yeah and i think that's one of the things you guys bring to the table it's not just good vibes and good energy but uh you drink with the right people at the right time
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
What kind of drink do you want? Do you want a tequila? I'd love a straight tequila. I mean, I'll suck down some of the Bodega Cat just for sponsor purposes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, big fan. Thanks. You can put my name, put my lips on it. Oh, we have? Doctor's orders. What is this now?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Are you on this tour now, Mark, where it's like, let's go to all the cities that I forgot about?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, too soon. But I think there's something to be said about showing up for people when they show up for you, right? Hear, hear. All these little cunt bags are commenting on your shit on YouTube. Tell me. Might as well go see them live and show them what's up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
See me live. MarkNorman.JeremiahWatkins.com. He killed that AI. I think he did. That was funny. Good to see you guys. Can I ask you a Dr. Phil question? You're going to ask me? I'm an open book. I came on this show. Matt said, bring gifts. He said, be an open book. Bring your own book and leave your monkey pox at home.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I put her over the top. The fact that she's on OnlyFans, I feel like I've got a lot to do with. The money she's made since was all her own hard work and her own doing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And grinding, yeah. If you show labia, I mean, it's a – look. It's no secret to you or I. You guys know how to run a business. More like gash me outside. Yeah. I forgot that gash was an old term for the vagina. Let's go through them real quick. Let's do a little round robin, and whoever runs out first has to take a shot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Oh, never mind. Yeah, well, there's different shots of her. What is she famous for? She just said cat. She was a real twat to me on camera. Oh, that's right. And I said, you got some issues going on, but don't sweat. We all do. And I talk about that in my book, We've Got Issues. You got that right. Dude, first of all, cheers. Cheers. Good to see you. Mazel tov. Only see you live on your specials.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Same shout out, Amazon Prime, Marky Mark, YouTube, and Netflix. You own those fucking websites.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, she definitely, I mean, she looks like an AI rendition of if somebody was like, give me Ricky Martin as a woman. And then AI was like, how's bad baby? They both love Dick. Yeah. Oh, bad baby's her name. I remember where I was when Ricky Martin came out. Please. Isn't that crazy? I remember where I was on 9-11 and where I was when Ricky Martin came out of the closet. Both cases donating blood.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, but she went hard in the paint. And again, you show a little bit of skin, it goes a long way. OnlyFans really took advantage of her being like, I don't give a fuck. So, Sam, she came on the show. She said... you know, something, something, blah, blah, fucking I'm a bitch. And then I was like, it feels like it. And then something else. I tried to help her. I always try to help.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
You got to try to meet them halfway. And then she said, again, something, something. I tune out sometimes. You ever do a podcast and you're just like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
i was i feel like i set you up for that she walked so hoctua could spit no i feel like that's so funny hoctua is the next bad baby yeah i love bill maher bill maher talking to hoctua oh really you're famous for hoctua oh that's a good show yeah you had her on you dumbass look mad about also he was talking to her thank you so much thank you he was a little uh he was starting to get into harvey weinstein territory it was a
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
little flirty it was a little flirty she's 21 maybe i don't know 22 i believe you know and that's her uh dad to figure out what's going on after that but but bill maher was yeah just getting in her and obviously high as balls i don't think you want to be a middle-aged man high as balls around a young girl who's known for hocking on cocks And that's the first time I've said that today.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Everywhere. We had her on the Dr. Phil. She's pretty funny. She's charming. She's not bad. I like that she's not all about it. I think she seems thrown off, and she's like, yeah, this is kind of new. People are like, do stand-up. She's like, I don't know. Maybe I'll just live a couple more years. Right, right. Gain some perspective.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
She's like real hardcore white trash. Yeah, totally. Yeah, I think she's a crack baby. I saw her clip on a Whitney's pod and Matt Rife called her up and she said, I'm a crack baby. And it didn't seem like a joke.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
The accent's fun, yeah. The spin's a little aggressive. My wife Robin's more of a, she licks her hand. Oh, wow. I thought this was a safe space. Okay. I thought we could talk about it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
that's true same thing she sucks a dick now you're gonna be like yeah she didn't hock to her yeah good point oh wow yeah whoever hooks up with her next is gonna be uh the bar has been set right yeah where's pete these days who's he fucking uh i think he's a bad baby bad baby wouldn't be great if he just went down a hole like where are they now you know people to fuck like he just went through like the whole celebrity rehab and and just you know him and lavar burton end up in a menage a trois
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, the last time I was with a whore was probably, I want to say Reno. You guys have performed there. It's whore heaven. It's whore heaven. And even if they're not whores, they're thinking about it. Oh, yeah. Reno's got that. There's something in the water there where everyone's just like, fuck it, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
A lot of Ninja Turtle mesh jerseys. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, weird things. You're like, you didn't even get that at Goodwill.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Atlantic City. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there's a ton of HIV there. But it's one of the casinos that, you know, they try hard. They want to be like a place where Sting will perform. Right. But he ain't going there. He ain't going. Maybe Little Kiss, the midget band. Maybe you'll see them on a fucking Friday afternoon.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
A peck on the cheek. I got it. I was thinking of Matt Mardigan when he called the dwarves pecks. Maybe that's why he did it. Val Kilmer was like, you're a peck. You're a little kiss. You're a little thimble. You ever see Willow, Sam? I haven't. It's been fun. Thanks a lot, guys. I usually can't hang around people who haven't seen Val Kilmer's finest cinematic achievement. Better than Tombstone?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
What's that, the pizza? Oh, I got it. Okay, look at us just fake leaving. Willow is, yeah, I mean, this guy. The good movie? It's phenomenal. Who is that, Pelosi? Tugs of your heart strings. Oh, funny. That's her in about 15 years.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
15 she's already 91 i think is she really no that's uh kathy bates who is kathy no that's uh rachel ray who is that the guy the little oh that willow of good by the way you can't even have a cool dwarf name of good is your last name i don't think that's the name i'd rather be a fucking fart stab or cock ring oh yeah boy look at a young val yeah see val yeah that's a hot guy pre uh pre whatever he went through
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, I think throat cancer, much like Michael Douglas. Douglas. Well, but Val got it just from laugh, and Michael got it from top shelf. Now, is that really – did he really do that? Did he really get it from that? Apparently. Apparently. Because that's a great story. It's a weird thing to blame it on. It is. He's in the hospital. He's like, you did this to me, you fucking bitch.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Do you think he panicked? Do you think his friends were like, throat cancer? We told you to stop smoking. He goes, I wasn't. I don't do it, Michael Douglas.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah. My Douglas RFK are pretty much the same. You know how Johnny Depp and Eddie Vedder are pretty much the same impression? Oh, oh. See? Who is that? I can't tell. That's Johnny or that's Eddie, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Oh, I thought you were going to say Eddie Vedder. I could see him as Bob Dill.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
God damn. That's the last time I want to look at Michael Douglas. Is that him? Unfortunately. Yeah, I hate that. He's in his 80s, buddy. That's my least favorite part about life, aging. What about you, Sam? What do you hate the most this time of year? Jeez, this fucking weather, man. Oh, it's too hot. You're struggling, right? Muggy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, I mean, look, I definitely had to go in and out of a Nordstrom rack on the way here just to kind of get the veins cooled down.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah. Oh, yeah. That is one of those things that I forget when I come to this city. I forget. I do like the smells. A lot of people probably shit on the city for the smells. I love it. I think it adds a little flavor. I live in Los Angeles and Texas part-time, and it's a lot of milfy, cokie vibes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, well, okay, well, you just talked yourself out of a coupon for a free bottle of it. What sort of cologne do you wear, Mark?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
You look more like a Fruity Pebbles guy. Like you just take the milk, the residue, and just kind of rub it on your tits. I love residue. Favorite cereal? Don't even think.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Wait a second. Dude, they haven't even upgraded the box, Sam. It's still the same font. It looks like slave or KKK font. It does. Can you say that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
It looks like old turds. The berries aren't doing anything to disguise the shitty nuggets that I'm staring at. Well, give me your guys' favorites.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Give me the peanut butter. Don't put it on the dog. Put it right on me. Yeah. I'll say this. I'm a big Frosted Flakes guy, Tony the Tiger. I've done a lot of conferences with a guy that was dressed like him. Oh, they're great? They're pretty good. They're not bad. I wouldn't say they're great. They're fine.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
It's boring to me. The Tiger's a good mascot. Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios I'll fuck with. But if you really want to know, if I take a couple rips of a Gravity Bong and watch an Amy Schumer special, I usually go right into... Boy, let's say, I'm going to say Fruit Loops or Trix. Trix is solid. Fruit Loops is fucking solid. Don't sleep on Fruit Loops. Fruit Loops are fucking good, dude.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And they hold up, and you can leave them out for days. Let's say you got a cat, and you know cats, you can leave them alone for a couple years, right? That's the beauty. You come back, cat's dead. Fruit Loops still live and ticking. Not like crackling oat bran or whatever the fuck you're feeding your moles. Took me a second there. We'll edit this out. Now, Froot Loops are flying.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Froot Loops are slept on for sure. How about Fruity Pebbles, though? Fruity Pebbles, I'll go to town for those. I'll go to bat for those.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Well, you know, you're just eating paste, Mark. I've seen your vlogs.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
were you a pace kid as a kid no come what was he no uh yeah were you a because you both strike me as guys that dared the kid the fucked up kid sure like lick a slug or eat a fart yeah yeah which one was it i was definitely lighting farts you were lighting but i didn't want i didn't want to subject i was the one who i was the one who would be dared to do it oh yeah yeah for the laugh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
With a laugh, right? With a laugh. We all, I think, had that in us, right? And, you know, me more as I've gotten older. Early on, I was like, I just want to help. But now I want to get the chuckle in, you know? Yeah. It's fun. I see what you guys do. It looks like a lot of fun.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Totally, yeah. We had a teacher we dared. That was harder to do in New York City.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Oh, yeah. Just fucking dead. Yeah, unless you're Spider-Man or Tobey Maguire.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
yeah i barely got the energy out of the room yeah sorry that's okay question yeah go ahead the other dr phil acknowledge you oh yeah yeah we're oh yeah okay we're gonna do that yeah this is me right now there's another guy walking around sure there's another guy walking around yeah it's all good yeah he's a fan yeah that's good what about you is the other uh simpsons comic book guy out there
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Does he acknowledge that you're the real-life version of an animated historical figure? No. What's on your porn search right now? Pull it up. Can I guess? Oh, I dare you. I bet it's black babysitter, and then you type in some weird toy attached to it. You do have the vibe that you'd be into black chicks. Yeah, black chicks.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, I bet you're like Pakistani massage or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
My ass. So you have to type in what, a password? Or it's just legal? You have to download your shit and bring it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
That's a classic one. Sounds like something Rogan came up with. He's probably got access to all the sites, right? I think anything in Texas, they shut down. Him and Ted Cruz, they still got it. Yeah, there's Lobster. Dear God. He's got everything. I recognize most of these gals. I think we've had them on the show or went to middle school with that middle one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah. All right. Speaking of huge hogs, being back in New York is getting me fired up. We actually, and I want to mention this before we get too fucked up, doing some live theater dates with the show. Whoa. Beacon Theater, November 15th. Whoa. I know you guys are fucked with that. Beacon's a beauty. Trying to follow in your footsteps. And then we got the Miller in Philly on October 25th.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Capital One Hall in D.C. on the 26th. Celebrity Theater in A.Z. on December 6th.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And then the San Diego Civic Center on December 7th. These are big rooms there. Huge rooms. Maybe too big. D.C. 's already about sold out, so that's cool. Wow. D.C. 's a great one. Yeah. The Capital One Hall, you been there? The great room. I did the Warner last. The Warner's cool, too. They told us Tyson's Virginia was where all the...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
all the fats all the fatties were shane shut us yeah okay cool yeah but beacons should be great i i've seen a lot of fun stuff there um that's november 15th all the tickets at adamraycommy.com amazing you're gonna need some big space to fill uh if oprah shows up she is holy shit well we're trying the black lady she's she's a big one she goes back and forth but we all fluctuate you know
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
She Flux good, I hear. She does. She does. She's got, yeah, there's that Jewy guy. You know, there's a few comedians I try to really support in their up and up, you know. Looking hunky there. Stavros, this fucking Jew, and then what's her name? Debra Giovini. Sure. Yep. She's funny. She's funny. And then you guys, of course. I've been following you guys since the Geico days.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
deep cut but anyway uh check out and then adam ray's got a special like and subscribe on youtube see so tubi oh yeah you think tubi will ever get back in the game jeremy they're in the game they are in the game but it's it's a weird game it is weird can i tell you a quick tubi story so i'm on a deep dive right uh in texas no porn uh and uh rogan wouldn't return my text
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
So I said, well, what the fuck do I do? Go to Tony Hinchcliffe's house and sit in his hot tub? He didn't have it yet. So I said, I'm going to pull up Tubi and just bounce around and scroll. I scrolled for about 20 minutes, Sam, before I locked in on a Michael Jackson movie that was on Lifetime. But Tubi bought it, of course. And it was through the eyes of the security guard.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And the guy with Michael Jackson, I think was an Asian guy. Don't cancel me. But every other scene had a different voice and accent.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Next scene, he was like, I'm fucking hungry. And you're like, who is this guy? Yeah. And what'd you do with Daniel Day-Lewis? But the movie was fucking dog shit. But I watched it all.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
A little bit of the childhood, but also a little bit of what was going on. When he went to a mall in Vegas, remember, and he'd buy Celine Dion's vocal cords or Jeremy Renner's butt plug. Remember, he always might spend millions on weird vases and art.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, and that's where they store it. Sorry, I had a mac and cheese portable on the way over here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I owned The Rock the movie on DVD. Go ahead, Sam. What's the weirdest thing that you've used for your money, Dr. Phil? I probably rented out a small space in West Hollywood, like a little one-act theater space. And we did an act out, kind of a stage reading of that Sean Connery clip where he told Barbara Walters, you can hit women. We just did like a stage reading of that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
We had a bunch of celebrities come through. We had Breckin Meyer from Garfield. We had Richard Kind, who's been in everything, right? Bugs Laff, I think. And then we had a guy who knew Sean Connery. And then we had, who else? Candace Cameron Bure, who apparently hates trans people.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
is that she don't quote me on that but i read something that said like you know full house ain't so full if you're at candace's thanksgiving well she's a big uh really big it you know just stop there she's a big that's what it is she's a big it yeah dj tanner well her and kurt cameron you ever see that piers morgan i think i don't watch piers morgan anymore because you know i got to be but but piers morgan did this whole interview where he was like
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Kirk Cameron, what's up with gays? I forget how he phrased the question, but Kirk Cameron had said something about like, yeah, it's man and a woman time. It's not man and man time. That's fucking gross. There he is. Boom. God, you're good, James. First name again? Is it really? Oh, fuck. Okay. Matt, thank you, brother. Oh, wow. Yeah. Nice pause, Kurt.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Detrimental. To so many of my dreams. I have so many gay dreams. I'm Kurt Cameron, and I can't stop taking a melatonin gummy and dreaming of butt fucking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
that's what he wanted to say but he's like let me just turn this on them you know when you get off stage and you have like a mediocre set you guys are always throwing darts against the wall that's why i love you you guys fucking press the uh envelope hell yeah take that fist in the air put it to mine but i think that kirk's doing the opposite instead of when you get off stage and you go shitty crowd you guys are good at going now what the fuck did i do kirk gets off and goes look at those gay guys fuck in the park yeah i don't know where he is where that's happening but that's
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
He sees it, and instead of going, I'm fucking turned on by that, he goes, that's unnatural. Right. I mean, I don't know. We can keep this in or take it out. He looks like a boy. I mean, that's the weird thing when you... A hard to heart he wanted to say. Everything's boner with this guy who was a character on the show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Hit pause, Matt. We do have all issues. And I talk about that in my book, We've Got Issues. Chapter 26, Don't Let Kirk Cameron Stop You From That Grinder Date. So it's a short chapter. They get pierced in the butthole.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
You know, he could hit a punchline in a kitchen next to Alan Thicke. Wow. Another penis-related guy in his life, you know? Thicke. Thicke, you know? He probably had a tough time even looking at his TV dad because he was thinking about cock the whole time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
We got to talk about it. I've seen too many clips. And I don't feel bad for him. No. I do feel ashamed for his family that you didn't know to tuck that shit or tape it up. I know, tape it up. Buffalo Bill that shit. Buffalo Bill that shit. I think there's part of me, I don't know how talented he is, but part of me thinks he did that on purpose to get his shine. To get a flashlight.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Let me show you the clip, bitch. Let me show you the clip. In fact, they're playing at the bar because every bar has Chive TV. Yeah. Chive TV. Shout out. Yeah, he lost the, I mean, that is, look at that. Everyone's doing, everyone's doing, yeah, look at that. RFK's, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And he's a French guy, too. I know. Now, riddle me this, Sam. Do French guys historically have, you know, are they, do they get the gift of penis? You know, it's not my area of expertise, doctor. Don't you lie to me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
If the Jamaican runner can tape up his schlong, this guy can hide his... If John Candy can coach a Jamaican bobsled team, I think this guy can somersault his wing to a fucking presser. I didn't think it was going to be a white guy who knocked that down with his deck. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's a great point. It also looked... I mean, it didn't just hit it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
It fucking... It looked like he was trying to wrap itself around the pole. That was a real boing-oing moment. Feel the rhythm. Feel the rhyme.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
That's a good Jamaican accent. I take back what I said on the internet. That's pretty cool. Look at that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I wonder what happened when the... Is there footage of the commentators when it went down? Because you know they play this shit on repeat.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, go to the Winter Olympics. Go to the Winter Olympics. You guys are quick. Did Snoop Dogg commentate this? Oh, yeah, good question. Because that'd be fun. He's making bank, I hear. Would you guys do that? Yeah, why not? In a heartbeat. I think that's next. It's a good trip. I used to think, you know, remember when they put Dennis Miller in the Monday Night Football booth? Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
It was okay. I didn't love it. Not the right fit. No, I would have rather. At that time, I would have put Frank Caliendo in there or just have voice after voice calling downs. I think Adam Ray would have been perfect. He would have been okay. A little Jewy for my taste. A little hacky.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Oh, he ripped it up on there. You do need a character, right? Because Theo's actually from Burbank, which is the crazy part. The accent's all put on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
It's a hairpiece I heard, too. It's a hairpiece. Oh, really? We've all got hairpieces at some point.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I don't get it. Well, we'll take a break, and we'll see if you do get it, Mark.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Okay, well, sometimes mixing it up is the way to break through, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Sometimes as long as no one's fucking with you is yourself, and you've got to take some chances. We're having a good time. Guys, what's your favorite color?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
We got to talk about this. Marky Mark, you came on. Sammy, we got to make that happen. I know you. Whenever you're out there. Come on, I want to do it. Try to make it work. We'll figure it out. Whenever you're out there next. It was supposed to be me and Chrissy back in the day. It was supposed to be you and Chrissy, yeah. And then Chrissy canceled a few times and then- It's Chrissy Teigen.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I think you got to swap them out, bring in Rob Lowe. That's who you're touring with now. I like it. Stavi. Stavi, yeah. I mean, look, if you're going to a casino, you know, first time I met Gary Veeder was when I joined along. Him and Adam Ray did a casino in Minnesota. Oh, fuck. I think Mystic Lake. Are we going there? We might be in Minnesota. And they actually saw Little Kiss there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
You can ask Gary about it, but what a rock star. By the way, Gary Veeder's podcast, it's out in its entirety now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
There is something about what you did at the store, Mark. You went hard in the paint. It was you, Burt Crasher, Goo Goo Dolls, Tony Inchcliffe, Dr. Pimple Popper. That's right. And you were legit grossed out by that zit. Oh, I ate half of it. Zits on the surface aren't a fun thing to look at. No. But when you see them up close like that, it takes another...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Oh, my wife, Robin, sometimes I'll try to get her in the mood. I'll put on, oh, shit, I don't know, Chevy Chase's Vegas Vacation. Sure. She loves that. She loves Wayne Newton, right? All women love one of...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
fucking you know sit on wayne newton's face oh yeah so i put that on to kind of grease the wheels maybe some phil collins a lot of yankee doodle candle and then uh next thing you know uh she's getting on me to straddle me but she's popping a neck pimple not to ride me because she sees some sort of uh you know uh you know footlocker cyst yeah and she just wants to uh what is it take a bite out of crime this was the episode with pimple popper she pulls this goo out of this guy's neck yeah so we had a comedian come up here
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I'm freaking out. Yeah, Bert was moments away from taking his penis out. And Mark... No. I think Mark steps off stage. Worst thing ever. Where's this guy from? He's a comedian named Sandy Danto. Yikes. We had to blur that for YouTube purposes, but that was real goo. Consider that a cum shot? Yep. Yeah. And then watch what comes out here. Good plug for Jerry.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Check it out. So Mark's like, I'm out of here. And then I said, well, I'm a showman first and a doctor second. So people go nuts. Let me look to the side cam. No! You got it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Well done. Because the people were clapping. You've never done something you didn't want to do because the fans went berserk?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Comedy. Comedy, baby. Wow. Yeah, so that's what the show's turned into. A little bit of fun. Then we got some Goo Goo Dolls at the end. We sang Iris.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I met them at Stern about five years ago. They actually, I went to Adam Ray's wedding. They played his wedding.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, pretty cool. Played Iris for the first dance song.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, Goo and a Goo Goo. Favorite 90s band. If you could have them play at your wedding, funeral, circumcision.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
That's a hell of a- My Chemical Romance, Vertical Horizon. Sam, you strike me as a, nope, I don't know them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Mix-a-lot does, not safety dance. What's the, bam, bam, bam, bam.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah. Let's go. Leonard Cohen, Everybody Knows. Walking in Memphis? Yeah, why not? I love that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Great song. Oh, yeah. That's a great song to leave your family to. Yeah. What's your karaoke song? I'd probably... I'd probably say Annie Lennox. Oh, yeah. Or Queen. Anything Queen. Bohemian. I sang Bohemian Rhapsody at a gangbang. It didn't start off as a gangbang, but you know sometimes you walk into a barbecue and everyone's just fucked up already, right? Yeah. Zimas are flowing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
There was Parcheesi out. Twister. But it was upstairs. You know when everyone's like, Twister's upstairs.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
prince mercury oh yeah uh yeah twister i think is what did it yeah okay yeah it might have been the butt fuck yeah i don't know it could have been uh there's a there's no wrong way to eat a reese's don't tell kirk cameron don't tell kirk that's the name of my memoir don't tell kirk cameron it's about uh epstein island and uh baskin robbins how they got going
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
But we were fucking around at this party, and I forget what the question was. What was it? Oh, Fred Savage. Fred Savage is probably the most underrated kid actor of all time. Oh, Wonder Years. Wonder Years. But my karaoke song, that's what it was, is probably Bohemian Rhapsody. I'll sing the Wonder Years theme song. I am a big TV theme guy, so I'll do the Cheers theme song.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Boom, boom, boom. And you're always glad you came into a condom because she wasn't down for inside. Right. You got to be where, and I'm not good with the lyrics. I know the melody. Oh, you got it? I'll do it. Turn it up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
It's Wonder Years. I can't be right. Yeah, no, that's not even close.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I'll also do some Alanis Morissette. Love Alanis. Anything from the 90s. But then every now and then you go back in time. We'll do some Huey Lewis.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Oh, historically hung. It's the news. It just unravels like a newspaper when you take it out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
You sure that's the one? Oh, cool. You want to pull up my fifth grade T-ball video next, man? What the fuck are you doing right now? Nothing to do with what we're talking about. Thanks for coming out. It's another good karaoke time. It is, yeah. There is something to be said about bringing the party together, right? Sure. Do you guys ever do that on stage?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Are you ever on stage and you can feel people going, fuck, they're disconnected? How do you bring them together? Mark?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I can see what you're doing. From the river to the sea? Give me a real answer.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, I think it's an imperative skill set to have to bring a room together.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Sometimes everyone can get on board with something that was not planned. You've got to be spicy with it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, stop doing blow and getting fake tits, you Cubans. Miami, though, that is the first place I ever passed out in a live bar. Really? Miami, yeah. Really? Yeah, karaoke joint. I was visiting a friend at the Miami Improv, and we popped over. And it was one of those places where everybody knows somebody in that little Miami Improv strip mall. Doral. Doral. Yeah, Door Allen. It was a shit show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I think I saw God that night, or at least a lesbian dressed like God. And we ended up in the bathroom eating chips and salsa together. Nice. But, you know, fuck it. I didn't have to be home until a couple days later. I stuck around to go to the beach. Not a big fan of the nude beaches in Miami. Really?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Well, okay. Yeah, well, they said once I got naked that I needed to put everything back on, but there were a couple kids that were running around. They were babies, so I guess I should have taken a hint that they were nude on purpose, but we have a clip of it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I just wanted to see how quickly you perked up at the idea of a nude baby video, Matt. Wipe that hard drive clean, buddy. Wipe that hard drive clean.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
damn what's that huh yeah you guys left me there no no that's fucking were you and the wife nude no i was just walking by it says right out in the open you can walk right by a nude beach and let me tell you something when you see a fat guy on the beach fully nude it's it's inspiring do you know what i'm saying yeah true because something about like not giving a fuck you know comedians people whoever might bash gals for not wearing outfits that fit their bodies i'm all for it you know
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Are you really? You got that Robin Williams back and arm hair combination? I got some hair, dude.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Sure. Ashkenaz Jew. Okay, and that's a hairier version? Yeah, Eastern European Jews tend to have some hair.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
See, I got no problem with that if you're facing that way, though. Yeah, it's like a boot. Don't turn around. Don't turn around to grab the sun chips.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, I don't think you can be that big. Well, now in Southwest, you know, they changed their seating arrangement. What'd they do? Well, it's no more free-for-all. It's no more jumping into C Group like one of the rest of the Narnia creatures. C Group, you know, you guys have flown C Group. It's fucking Walmart past fucking midnight. C Group is bottom of the barrel. It's people you forgot we have.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
yeah the oh c group what i love in c group is when you're boarding and you're like c75 and there's some dickhead who's like c79 he's like hey uh what are you what are you yeah we're both sitting on the fucking wing paper so butterfly c-section i'll tell you it's real tears to the sky so they're uh they're changing it up yeah they they people are mad about the uh the free-for-all the sesame street boarding process so it sucked
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, you got to make a change. I mean, you know, you should also fucking get some better snacks. Yeah. Make sure the flight attendants stop doing stand-up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah. Imagine seeing an open mic or say, my special's coming out, taped to the ha-ha. That's what Southwest Airlines, you know, flight attendants are doing. They're real confident.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
If you're a large- The claim to shame, yeah, that's fucking disgusting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
How about you guys, please tell me you've seen this, Matt. There was a gentleman, I think it went viral today. He was on a flight on Edibles. Have you not seen this? Oh, fuck. This guy has now taken over the champ, in my heart, as the coolest guy on a plane to lose his fucking shit. Really? He went cuckoo for cuckoo. First of all, I want to do an impression of the guy before you play it. Okay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
He gets up here and goes, So first of all, he's already just a little bitch, but he's funny about it because he's unedible. So I'm like, I know what that's like to be a little too stony baloney. You fucking bump into your friend's futon. You're like, God damn it. Now I got to get a knee replacement. He gets up out of the back row. He's fucked up on Eddie's.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
You got a fucking Vietnam War vet helping him out or trying to get him a glad trash bag. And this guy gets into the aisle and he's just looking to kind of make one last statement before he fucking hocked who was down the aisle way. And he says a lot of fun shit. I don't know if you've seen it, Sam. I can't wait. He says, go Trump. But you know what? I'll take Biden, too. Very funny. Wow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And he says, what else did he say? Well, OK, great. Let's go ahead and watch it together as a family. Awesome. Big fan of that. No shirt, by the way. Whoa. How do I do it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I don't mind. He's undecided. RFK, ride him in. Who gives a fuck? This guy's got a worm brain. I don't mind this guy. He's got the mothership security taking him down the... I don't mind this guy at all.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yep. What an annoying reason to be delayed. Well, see, this guy – That's exactly what I thought, too, because, you know, cancer, if you've got to lay in the plane for cancer, which I don't know why you would have to, but it's a stroke, something that – but this is equivalent to like a fatty being like, I left my wheat thins on the counter.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Can you imagine? There is something about going viral on a plane in this day and age. I think they also said he was trying to open the back door. Oh. And that's not an anal euphemism. He was trying to open the back door to the plane. I see. To fucking hop, skip, and stop, drop, and roll. There was a woman who went viral for being like, this is going down, and now she's like an influencer.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
That motherfucker's not real. That motherfucker back there is not real.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, her name's like Chrissy or... That motherfucker's back there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
pretty funny she's got a little bad baby in her yeah a little trash see that's what i'm thinking some people are doing this now it's all a real life and then you just like have a meltdown in a flight and you start an only fans and you're like i'm good that's it you're set oh yeah the same even only fans probably i wouldn't doubt it there's there's not i mean i've tried to get robin to get an only fans going i think there's money on the table to be had yeah
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
How would you guys have to get... Where would you have to be in your careers to dip into the OnlyFans pool? And what would you throw up? It's a two-part question.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Well, not with that attitude, Mark. You've got to believe in yourself. All right, well, call in if you're willing to... Well, I just want to know, what would you put up, though? Or what do you think the fans would want from you? Toes? Taint? Taint and feet. I don't think you see enough taint on the internet. I agree.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And I'm not asking for messages now with taint JPEGs, but I think that that's something... Oh, so Karen's got...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
She's probably making tens of 20s of 30s, thousands, huh?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Oh, very nice. There is something to be said about taking a step back, evaluating your life. When did you get a dog, Sam? Oh, it's my girlfriend's dog. You don't like dogs? I love this dog. Yeah. You didn't like the dog prior to this dog? No.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
That's smart. So you don't want the dog at first. You were kind of just anti. I mean, want the dog. Dog's 17. The dog's been around. That's a 17-year-old dog. Dog's old as shit. So it was probably in all the Air Bud movies. Even the last one that went straight to DVD, Air Bud 25, The Shelter's Full.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Oh, that's fucking funny, Mark. Good times, good times. Yeah, I'm thinking about, you know, because I'm coming into a little bit more cash money in 2024, so I'm trying to buy some exotic pets. Just fluff things up. I'm thinking bird, but not just parakeet. I'm thinking fucking like pterodactyl. They're around.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
My point is don't get a fucking... Don't get a... Well, what kind of bird? Because again, I'm talking like larger than life. I'm talking like a... Pelican? Yeah, something that you wouldn't take to a coffee shop. That you only take to... You know, parties, you know. Right. People go, what can he do? And you go, look, how much money you got and what sort of pole vault penis you're working with.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Or a flamingo. Those seem fun. Exotic birds. Toucans, unless you're leading me to some Froot Loops, I got no time for you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, because it's exotic, and I think it's also – I always think WWMD. What would Mike do? Tyson. Oh. Not Pence. I know you were thinking Pence, Sam, but he wouldn't get a bird. He'd ask his wife if he could put his thumb in his butt. I don't know. Improv stuff. What's that? That's a good Pence. Sorry. I didn't know you did a Pence.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
So I met RFK at the Kill Tony Forum show. I was doing it with Tim Dillon and Post Malone, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, Merry Fuck Kill. I don't even know where you start on that one. I did some pretty wild jokes. I wish I could pull them up, but one of them I remember was we got Hans Kim and Rick Diaz getting ready to battle on tonight's Forum Kill Tony. I haven't seen this much bad blood in the Forum since Magic Johnson's last game. Woo!
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
bad i love it fucked it up by saying michael jordan for a second there but aids is really the through line of this show i feel like we keep going back to aids yeah the billboards are everywhere yeah in los angeles everyone's like apparently i mean i probably got it but you just you gotta at this point now yeah you live with it yeah magic made it normal but but uh rfk i met him backstage and uh and i don't want to say he didn't look like he had just hidden a bear but uh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I'll tee it up for you. Please, tee me. So, RFK, right? You know who he is. Yes. You've heard of bears, right? Yes. What's your favorite bear? That's a good team. Yogi?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Bear Jew. He was a good bear. Bear Jew. Who's Bear Jew? Eli Roth. There we go. We got the bear from The Revenant with Leo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
That bear got me too. That was crazy. That bear got me too. A lot of rape. By the way, that was the oldest girl Leo's been with, that bear. Now, I love you, Leo. Come on the podcast. But I want to say this about RFK. Bear with me, Leo. The RFK Cubs, so he saw a Cub, Mark, that got hit with a bike. I don't know if it's electric, boogie-woogie, or just a regular peddler.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
but the cub was on the side of the fucking road, and RFK's fucking Looney Tunes fucking butthole picked up a bear cub and said, I'm going to skin it for meat. He said this to Roseanne. What? He said, I'm going to skin the fucking bear. I was like, is that Josh Adam Myers or RFK? And so, I'm going to skin the bear for fucking meat.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And so he says that, and I'm like, all right, already creepy, weird thing to say on a first date, or to yourself. Yes. Then he's like, if I can't skin the bear for meat, Then he goes, I got caught up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Great call. Hey, fucking Chipotle's everywhere, bitch. You got chicken, steak, and guess what? Probably bear cub meat if you ask the sweet Mexican guy behind the counter. You go, hey, can I get some extra corn? And do you have bear cub meat still?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
So he goes, I got caught up with my plans. So and then I realized I got to get to the airport. So he goes, but I got the bear cub in my trunk. Oh, and by the way, he said it like, oh, oh, I forgot. I have a bear cub in my trunk, which that leads me to assume how many fucking child animals are you fucking rolling around New York City with? Wow. So then he goes, I don't have time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
To take it with me to the airport. I can't take it in my overhead luggage. The only thing this small I can carry on to a plane is Brad Williams, right? And Brad's not here. He's in Des Moines, Iowa at the Funny Bone. So I've got to take this bear to the park, and I'm going to leave it near a fucking bicycle and stage. This motherfucker staged his own fucking hit and run with a bike and a bear.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, yeah. Ted 3. I mean, I would watch a documentary about the... I mean, someone's got to dress up like the bear and do like... I mean, the bear's got to... It'd be great if the bear wasn't dead. That'd be a great plot twist.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Tough show to watch. Yeah. Not a comedy either. I know! What's so funny? They ran out of soy sauce?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
It's fucking mental. He's like holding a snake by the head. I mean, I got a real problem with animal cruelty, but also with people. And look, talking about skinning a bear cub for meat, that just makes me think that you're like one weird choice away from... Killing your wife? Yep. I agree.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Look at this. And he's ripped. Oh, boy. Yeah, that's the other thing, too. Jacked guys over 70 always throw me off. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Oh, so he's just catching snakes and batting... What the hell? Did he add music to this? Is this system of a down?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
He's like fucking with it. Yeah, I always wonder when people post shit like this, because you're right, Sam. It's like, why do you... Here it is, look.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Okay, yeah, that's pretty crazy. I don't need you to do this, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
That's actually a great call, Matt. If he bit the head off, I'd go, you got my vote. Not only for this, but for American Idol. Is that a rattlesnake? Cheryl, God bless you. What are you being in this video for? It's amazing. This makes Larry look reasonable. They should have slowly zoomed in on RFK and gone... You know? He's like, this dude seems exhausted.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And Cheryl's like, I don't know if this is a good idea.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
It sounded better in my head. But there's something about this picture that I think lends itself to people who want to go to the zoo and go, well, maybe we're going to have to put up a higher shield. You ever see that video? It's titled – don't look it up. I don't think this is the title because it's something about – I saw it in the 90s. It was before YouTube.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
It said, kid annoys gorilla into cum shot. And it starts off, and the kid is just kind of tapping on the glass. And I'm like, he's not annoyed. He's bored. He's like, it's my birthday. Do something. And then he turns into annoyed. Like, ever see one of those Karens that taps on a young black teenager's car in a Target parking lot during COVID? Are you supposed to be in this neighborhood?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Starts tapping like that. And then the gorilla wakes up from a nap. Plop!
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
and just starts fucking shooting one off wow and when i tell you all the jizz mark i'm telling you all the jizz i don't know humans or creatures were supposed to hold as much cum inside them as there was in this gorilla he shot all the gorilla glue right at this fucking wall thank god for the shield which you know with chicklets but also the shield that was up because you know there's a one-eyed kid walking around it was my it was my birthday and i didn't have a shield up
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And then all of a sudden, boom, you know, he takes one for the team, and now he's got a story and some sympathy pussy coming his way. Hakambe. Hakambe. But now the shield goes up, and the most impressive part, boom, jizz, kid doesn't flinch. What? You see a mouth like, is that all you got? A great fucking call. Sam, you fucking great and won.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, this is my cub. I don't know if this is it. Yeah, so what do we think about, and also baby animals. Can I say karma's a real thing? I think that the main, don't be surprised. Where's my RFK bear attack cam? Where is it? Right there. Right here. Don't be surprised, Robert, when a real-life bear shows up in your backyard because they know. They know that you fucking took the baby. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And I don't wish anything bad on anybody except for I went to high school with a kid named Micah DiNunzio. And freshman year of high school, I was walking by him and his girlfriend against the lockers. And they were making out. There might have been some finger action going on. Sure. It was the 80s, right? Or the 70s. I forgot how old I am. But this kid was all up inside her, Keith Sweat style.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
uh-huh and i said get a room and he fucking he he tried to fight me six or seven times wow so uh i don't want to say i hate him but i but i just you know if a if a you know let's say if a fucking hippo showed up at his house and tried to you know fucking cut his dick i wouldn't be upset i'd laugh and then i go i hope he's okay there's too many gorilla jerk videos though on youtube yeah of course matt knows that that's not new information to matt a whole new weekend plan
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Shit himself? Oh. Oh. Right in front of the kiddo. Can I be honest? I threw up a little in my mouth. I'm not going to joke. Too low for the show. Oh, my God. We might be drunk. We definitely might be sick in a second. You think he feels shame afterwards? Don't try to change the subject from what we just watched, Sam. Jesus fucking Christ. You think the monkey feels shame? Not at all.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
He's eating it. Yeah, shame. Maybe while he's eating it, he's like, I'm a piece of shit. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
that's funny to think about if they have uh deep feelings like that but wow i don't think animals can truly uh feel like weak i mean dogs right like that dog knows what you said about it earlier but nice though i mean you could have gotten an only fan it's rough is that a dog pun too many jokes flying around here i can't let that one just slide by man monkey monkey jerk who knew
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Well, if you guys are around in November, I'd love you to come by the Beacon. Come fart around the Phil show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
My friend Adam Ray is doing the Gramercy on August 11th. Oh, I see. When does this come out?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Oh, great. Well, that's fucking way past the due date, huh? Thanks for the shout out. Yeah, August 11th. I think he had a great time. I heard him kill her. Went okay. Hey, if that invite stands, we'll be there. For Beacon Theater, it does.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
bus stand november 15th okay we usually like to surprise the guests but let's just say maybe or maybe not stacking up pretty nice throwing some hail marys you got to do that you guys probably know as part of the booking process now you got to go for it right booking.com booking dot you know all right go for it to where to your show bring a bear I mean, now that's actually funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
That's actually something I should try to pull off. Bring them out and then bring somebody dressed as a bear. A whole family of bear cubs? That's good. That's funny. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Because the field show is starting to turn a little variety. I mean, it's all rooted in comic fun and games with the interviews. We got one in September at the Comedy Store with Gabriel Iglesias, Patton Oswalt, and Jay Pharoah. And then good old Rob Lowe is going to come by in October. Wow. Trying to stack that up with another hot hung from the 90s. Yeah, yeah. I don't know who we go with.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Kirk Cameron, dude. Kirk Cameron. Oh, my God. You know what, though? I would love – we like to keep the show lights in, but part of me would like to – Kirk Cameron and Mateo Lane.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
We'll keep her right here. That's a great idea. Yeah. That's a great idea. That is good. Yeah, there's certain combos of people that you dream about. Matt, who would be someone? Obviously, I'd love to get Tom Hanks or Martha Stewart would be fun. Somebody that's game. You guys are great because you're down to play. You don't want somebody that comes on and lays a fucking dud. Maybe Trump.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Mario Lopez could be fun if we can talk about his infidelities, right? Yikes. I'd be like, yo, did he fuck around a lot? I don't know if a lot is the word I'd say, but let's just say it didn't stop with Kelly Kapowski.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Tiffany Amber Thiessen, which Adam Ray and Brad Williams actually had her on their podcast. They went to her house. She had an avocado tree.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
She looked fucking good, I'll tell you that much. Mario, here he is on LinkedIn. He looks pretty good still.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And he's in my fucking hotel every day. Do you know he wakes me up? Not physically, I wish. Fucking careful what you wish for, I wish. But he comes on, it'll be like three in the morning. My TV will just pop on Saw style, Sam. And he'll just go like, a mysterious young girl. Angelina Jolie stars in this psychological thriller. Wow. Let me sleep, bitch. Now I got to jack off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
So they did date. I thought it was just on the show. Wow. Well, Fergie's impressive. Am I seeing Jamie Presley up there, too? I love Jamie Presley. She's smoking. She's gorgeous. She's sweet. Morgan Freeman, he had a menage a trois with Morgan Freeman. And Tim Robbins. It's one of the few impressions I do. I'll give it to you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I wish I could tell you Mario Lopez's cock didn't taste delicious, but it did. It did, and I used my Visa rewards card to buy the butt plugs. All right, that's it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Okay, so I'll play the scene out. So it's Robert Downey Jr. calling Mario Lopez to see if he'll come over and have a little fuck around, yeah? Do the black Robert Downey. Oh, we'll be right black. No, we'll keep it right here. All right, here it is. So... Hello, Mario Lopez. Hey, Mario. So this is Robert Downey Jr.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
So, of course, you recognize me from Heart and Souls, Tropic Thunder, of course, Iron Man, Iron Man 2. I'm looking to take my Iron Man and bring him over to your house and put him inside your Saved by the Bell butt cheeks. I'm sorry. I should have rehearsed this, but I would like to rehearse a menage a trois or menage a trois with you and your girl or your family.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I don't know if you have a giraffe. I just watched this documentary with RFK where he put a giraffe in the woods and then tried to get it to second check. Okay. I didn't know you did a downy. Everyone's got a little downs inside of them. The only downy I used to do was the downy, the fluffy, the laundry bear. And then people said it wasn't topical, so I had to do an actor.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
But Lopez seems like, if Britney Spears is on that list, get the fuck out of here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah. Well, I think that's his family. That's fine. We'll keep this in. He didn't fuck a pumpkin. Not with that attitude. But a pumpkin, you know, look, Biggs fucked a pie. And Lopez fucked a pumpkin. And J.D. Vance fucked a couch. And Charlie Brown fucked his mom. We'll be right back. We'll keep her out of here. I thought pumpkin and I immediately went to Charlie Brown. I got ADD.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Getting railed in the mouth. That might be my favorite. That's tonight's Doritos joke of the night. Brought to you by Cool Ranch Doritos. Give me a good Dorito graphic on that. Yeah, you got to throw it up. I'm surprised you guys don't have a chip sponsor yet. You guys seem like solid chip guys. I mean, I have a Dorito. The movie and the snack. I love Dorito. Cool Ranch.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Cool Ranch all day long, right? Okay, how about this? Favorite, if you get off stage, right, early show Thursday, should not stuff in your face like fucking Miss Piggy at like 1030. You know, it's late show. The club goes, or the theater, sorry. A couple of specials over here. And they give you a big bag of whatever you want, Sam. What are you asking for?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Don't tell me how to live my life, Sam, but I'll probably try it out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
okay that looks fun yeah so you got every flavor and wow that's a condiment it's too much no but it's perfect all right i'll try all right i'll try it it'd be great if you had a bag because your pitch is pretty you're coming in hot yeah you're coming in you're coming in uh what are you going i'm probably going you know i'm a basic bitch with the sun chips oh you homo yeah i know i know but i own it i own it i listen to clake and while i eat them
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Shout out. Drink five if you're playing the Clay Incan drinking game. Clay Incan, former sponsor of Sun Chips.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, that seems, wow. What the hell? This is the same size Sam buys his crackling old one. I knew we'd get back there. I thought I was going to let you off with one crackling fucking bit. All right, so we've got, let's see, sun chips. Black beans?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
They're reaching. That's like Pop-Tart being like, we've got pillowcase.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Black bean. Black bean. That's rare and inappropriate. I'm more of a pinto bean potato chip guy. I take pinto over black. Like a kidney. Now, what about, Mark, you said Doritos. I also, we're forgetting the chip. We're forgetting the fun guy. Zaps. You're a fucking Nola boy. I love a zap. Is your zap like a Funyun?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
organization and you get there and it's late in the bbq twister upstairs is already complete sure there's a sex chair somewhere you got to find it and all of a sudden you know that an irish goodbye is in your future i love an irish goodbye though oh i can't get enough of an irish goodbye it's the best uh how do you do it which way do you say who especially when your friends are pieces of shit oh sure yeah
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
That might be the best, because no one's going to stop it, especially if you're distraught. Ready? Try to stop this guy. First of all, tell me that you're out of sun chips, Sam. Oh, fuck, we're out of black bean sun chips.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I had a witch pussy. Wait, hold on a second. Sorry, sorry. Witch pussy. Where do I go? Well, tell me the address, Corinne. Sorry, sorry, Phil. Well, yeah, I can drive, but I've been drinking a little.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, it's my friend Mark. Yeah, yeah, the gay guy. Well, it doesn't matter right now. I just wanted to. Well, don't yell at me. I'm not the one who did it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I don't want your life. You're the man now, dog. Well, then fine. Go marry Kirk Cameron.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
We got the beacon. We got the forum soon. Well, who knows? We'll keep on jamming. We are announcing, we have announced as of today, we got October 25th, the Miller and Philly, about 85 sold out. That's an awesome one. I can't wait for that. Then we've got Tysons, Virginia, Capital One Hall in D.C. That's about sold out. Beacon, November 15th in New York. That's about 50% sold out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Then we've got Celebrity Theater just came out a few weeks ago, December 6th in AZ, and then the Civic Center in San Diego, December 7th.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
and then in 2025 we'll be adding uh majestic in dallas and uh msg in boston you love that one yeah and then uh we'll be adding uh chicago theater in chicago and uh the hits will keep on coming and hopefully you'll see these uh pieces of shit rocking and rolling and of course go check out my favorite jew adam ray commie.com i think he's got dates in pittsburgh and a new special on youtube special like and subscribe on youtube his podcast about last night he's got uh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
uh some uh some some other fun stuff coming up and then um of course instagram tiktok adam ray comedy and and uh and appreciate you guys appreciate the love yeah adam ray let me take a shot hell yeah what a way to close this night out make sure rfk is watching oh that's a sealed one is there an open one somewhere no maybe not maybe i gotta uh open this puppy well also check out uh uh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I'm going to take this and pull it straight from the bottle. I'm going to make a little cheers. Drinking might not solve all our problems, but it's worth a shot. We'll be right back.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Too late, actually. Yeah, sorry, ma'am. I love you guys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, we're still going. Follow us on Punch-Up. Are you on Punch-Up? Oh, yeah. Danny came to my shows at the Punch-Line. Adam's shows. That's a good fucking bourbon.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Go there. Give us your emails. That's all it takes. Chris Brown's on Punch-Up. You guys are too quick for your own good, but that's why I like being here. I think we had a good roll. This was nice. We should run this back. what was I going to say? New Dr. Phil Live is also, they're all on the YouTube channel, Adam Ray. Check them all.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
There's a new one from Seattle with Joel McHale and Sean Kemp dropping. Whoa, Sean Kemp's your guy. So Sean Kemp's me and Adam's guy, and Adam told me a quick story I want to tell you. So Sean Kemp has a weed store in Seattle. You ever go, I'll hook you up, go down and burn one down with him. That's him. And Kemp came out to do the show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
We also had the voice of the Mariners, Adam Ray's brother-in-law, Derte, white rapper Derte, close to show out. Had the Seattle Fish Market fish guys throw fish into the crowd. I love the Pike's Place, baby. Brought them down, hit them up, said, how much it cost you to come down and throw fish?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
fish fish a fresh fish and uh had a stroke and so they uh they said well we'll we'll try they said we'll charge you this much but uh how about this much because we like the show came down did a seattle trivia with joel mckale this show will be out i think uh august what's uh uh what's all what's a week from this thursday matt what is that Okay, thanks a lot, Matt.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I think there's something about the 15th. August 15th, Dr. Phil Lapp from Seattle will be out. And when Joel McHale Camp comes over, we do Name That Dunk with him where we put up pictures of dunks. We show him all his pictures. He stood up like a kid in a candy store and was reliving it. It was fucking beautiful.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And at one point, we showed him with him sitting on Rodman's shoulders in the 96 finals. I go, what's that called? He goes, Deez Nuts. Dropped the mic. Place went fucking nuts. Wow. But Seattle Trivia with Joel, we asked a question. It was always fake submitted questions by kids like, who would win in a fight? Chris Pratt, my dad, Jay Buhner. And then Joel would go, obviously, Jay Buhner.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
And then we'd go, who wants a fish? Lights on. Turn on some 80s music. These guys toss these 15-fucking-pound salmons into the crowd. I've never seen so much. You wouldn't think a t-shirt cannon guy says his own name when he comes. These fish guys were throwing these motherfuckers, and it was pandemonium. Price is Right means Oprah audience. I'm fucking telling you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
You get a fish. You get a fish. And then the next day, Adam went down with Campy. He goes, come down and smoke with me at the shop. Oh! They walked around downtown Seattle, Sam, smoked J's, talked Seattle. He told them Nirvana stories, told them NBA stories. They went to lunch. And now they're going to do a fucking, because the songs are coming back very soon.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
They're going to announce it very soon. Are they really? The restaurant? The Seattle Super Song. Oh. So it's going to be Vegas. Vegas and Seattle. But that also, hey, let's not sleep on that. Love it. You ever see the video of the kids spilling all the shit on roller skates at Sonic?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Pull it up, Matt. It's a good thing to close on. It's going to be Vegas and Seattle. Seattle. I hope so. It is. And Kemp goes, we're going to do a live podcast with Adam, GP, and Rain Man during the preseason game at Kemp's Weed Store. Maybe just come out and smoke and hang. Hell yeah. Kemp, man, some banana stories. He was telling Adam these stories about Nirvana, right? I go, who was like the...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I said, Adam, ask this question. I go, ask who was like the cool Jack Nicholson people at Seattle. And he said Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Griffey, all those guys from the 90s. Nirvana would hit them up last minute, him and GP, and go, come down to this place. We're playing a secret show. They'd come down, last minute, sold. He goes, they were just potheads playing music, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
He goes, I didn't see the heroine until late in the game. And Rain Man was like, then all of a sudden, like, you know, towards the end, he'd come through and they'd be like going to a club. And Kurt would be sitting there on the couch just fucking laid out. And then they'd come back 12 hours later, same spot, didn't move. Wow. Almost like in a sugar coma, but, you know, the other stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
But Cam told some great NBA stories. Charismatic. If he's ever rolling through here, I'll fucking put him in touch. He'd rip it up with you guys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, the Rain Man. Seattle deserves a basketball team. They do.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Yeah, nobody reps Seattle harder than this fucking single mom Jew, but...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
and music i love that adam gets to kick it with pretty cool as a 90s nicks guy i know i get what it means oh he told me anthony mason stories he told me about yeah he was a it's special it's also you know you want to be one of those guys that says oh thing you know i know it's all generational you know everyone has the snl cast they've you know grew up with but 90s hoops i mean it's just a different game now oh yeah 90s everything 90s music basketball baseball movies but but
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
But Hoops truly, like, show me anyone close to Charles Oakley right now. I'll wait.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
You want, yeah, that's the getting, that they hear that you appreciate what they do. You know, my boy Adam was just telling me, he was walking around New York and had a couple people stop him and say they loved his Joe Biden. And it's the same thing where you have to go like, and I told him, I go, you just got to act appreciative of it because it means more to them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
You know, you don't, we all get caught up in this business. Yeah. You go, I don't fucking, you know, I'm just doing what I do. But people, Oakley, he was a stud for you, right? Who's your stud, Mark? Who's the guy that...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Well, live is where it's at. Yeah, Raccoon. That's why I always said I won't see Barenaked Ladies on YouTube.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I believed you. Is that a real band name? No, no. Wait, this is a fun game. Fake band names. Ready? Rape Fart. Okay, we should probably end the show. How about Queef Baby? How about Super Dad? There you go. That's not bad. That's clean. That's PC. How about Kirk Cameron's Apology? It's a great band name.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
We pulled that up real quick. You look like you're looking back at the subway. Well, I see the mic now. This is you in about 30 years. You still look this frail, and you're looking back, and you're holding the mic when you take the subway. And everyone's like, boy, this guy just can't let people not know that he's a comedian.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
You have to do it, though. Because guess what? Oh, I'm sorry. Everyone in the world fucking knows who you are. You got to have this up so when people do stumble upon it, they go, what's this guy up to? He's got a mic? Right. Is that RFK's bear hurdler? Or huddler? However you say it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
You fantastic, by the way. Thank you. Watched it. Great job. Thank you, dude. Duh, though. Duh, no shit. Yeah, we're all over, Mark. Where are you going to be, man?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
I've got to get up to Canada. I keep getting hit up for Canadian.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
You guys strike me as a couple of fellas that can just rip it up anywhere. Speaking of ripping it up, change your pants, table for one. Where can you not have fun? Oh, no. Where can you not have fun for a fucking night? I knew that was it. By the way, it took every ounce of my body not to fucking open my mouth and lean down there just to taste some crackling oat bran. You hear me, Sam?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Your cereal tastes like fucking farts. You fucking weirdo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Adam Ray will be at Hilarity's in October. That's a great club. You get the bet. One of my favorites. He did it for the first time last year. Got that bat from Nick. Top-notch club. Nick, Sam, we love you. Nick, we love you guys. Yeah. Yeah. One of the best. And I love you guys, and I appreciate the love today. Praise Allah. Praise Allah. Praise Oprah. Get the book, folks. Get the book.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
We've got issues. It's out there. It's the one thing I can do. Oh, and I think that's it. Good night, everybody. I'll see y'all in hell.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Right. Well, you say you want to live dangerously until a buff guy shows up while you're getting blown. That's true.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, very nice. And the one eye. I'm still a little perturbed by the bottom half. This guy's using disappearing glink. I'm sorry. I was setting that up for half an hour. I came bearing gifts too. Oh, shit. Whoa. Man, that was like the Geena Davis in League of the Reignal. Well, yes, chief. Chef. Oh, yes, chef.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Well, Adam Carolla, back in the old days, had a great bit about how Jews aren't traditionally risky people. There's no Jewish Evel Knievel. There's no Jewish stuntmen. But with food, you guys are fucking daredevils. It's gefilte fish, this shit, kugel. I'm running out of Jewish dishes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
How about you buy a car? Why do you have to jump over them? That's a sketch.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, what are you running from? How about those guys just run off a mountain, and then you're like, what the fuck? And then some crazy squirrel wing comes out, and you're like, Jesus, what are you doing to me? I thought this guy was committing suicide, and now he's just careening through these canyons. Like, how about a beer? Can we get a beer? Do we need to careen? Careen Abdul-Jabbar.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Exactly. Would be a great way to break up with a chick. You know what? You're fat. You're ugly. We're done. Don't call me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Like, fuck the shoot. Shit. It won't open. Now that's a divorce.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, it's scary. I'm pod love-a-wasteless, dude. I do, too. I'm a 90s kid, so I was all in there. You saw the Tom Brady, I know it's old news now, but Tom Brady put everything in his mom's name. So Giselle was like, here we go. I'm gonna clean up. Does that work? I think it worked.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Well, you know who the richest woman in America is? Jeff Bezos' ex-wife. How fucked up is that? That's women's Amazon.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, mama! Don't say it. He's very powerful. That's true. What? Well, I wasn't ready for that mug. Good golly. Jeez, I'm at the snake exhibit in the wrong suit. Don't say it. All right, all right. Cut that if we have to.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
And Heath Ledger's face. All right, all right. Got it. Keep it moving. I didn't say what movie I'm talking about.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Good point. The dual birthday episode. Dual birthday and 9-11 and Christmas and Hanukkah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Of course. Of course. I'd fuck Jeff for a taste of that. For a share. Yeah. Just for Amazon Prime. I'd fuck him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Well, I hope he's in love, and I hope they're happy, and I hope she doesn't take all his money when they break up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, and he could have gone a lot younger, so you got to kind of hand it to him for that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, and isn't it ironic that the guy who owns Amazon can't return this? They got the best return policy in the business. Not wives. Can't get a full refund on that? That one, Jeffrey.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Would you? Yeah. Hold on. I don't know, dude. Let's not get carried away. I mean, give me a couple of tartars and a, oh, yeah, you wouldn't fuck her?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Go back to that face. She's not coming to the show, I'll tell you that. Yeah, I would totally bang her. I mean, I'd be hard pressed for you to find a celebrity I wouldn't fuck. Kathy Bates. Wow, really? Would you? No.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Whoa, look at those yams. Yay! I thought that was Peter's. Good Lord. What? Oh, we got a lady coming in. I like how we're acting like we're not broadcasting this to hundreds of thousands of people. Let's all behave.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Open it up. Crumble. What the fuck? Yeah, the most coveted cookie in New York City, baby. A cookie for the cookie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, Kathy, say it ain't so. I don't know what I expected, her to come out like Liz Hurley.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
The total package. I love that she's successful, accomplished. She's gorgeous. I like that look, that brunette with the ethnicity.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Shopify. Nobody does selling better than Shopify, and I'm serious. They're the number one checkout on the planet. Their not-so-secret weapon is ShopPay. It boosts conversions up to 50%. It's a one-tap checkout, lets customers pay in installments, gives them 1% shop cash every time they spend, and solves your abandoned cart issues for good. I love Shopify. You can throw stuff up there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
We sell shirts. We sell booze. We sell cups. We sell hats. Get it all there on Shopify. Shopify truly does it all. Whether you're selling in person or online, in-store, get ready to take payments by smartphone, transform your tablet into a mobile POS system, or use Shopify's POS Go mobile device for a battle-tested solution.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Look at that bottle, folks. Strong as an ox, tall as the day is long.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
They've even got play tools to help you build social media marketing campaigns, and their award-winning customer service is here to help you on the road to success. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that we use. Uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash drunk, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash drunk to upgrade your selling today.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That's a beautiful bottle. We had a couple of bars say, hey, we like it, but the bottle doesn't really pop, and we popped. This pops. It's clean.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Hey, how you doing? Mark. Hello, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Good to see you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, I'm all in on all that. She could pay the bills, bring home the bacon, and I could fry it up. All right. But no, I think she's a very attractive lady, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
How did you know that was her? Just by the tits? Well done, sir. Look at those yams. My God.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
All right. We're trying to have a good time here. What are you doing to me? All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, and you throw in MIT, Harvard, all that, and you got a nice mix of locals.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I'm getting into it. I like certain sports that sports guys aren't into. I like UFC. I like skateboarding. I like tennis. So, not the fun ones.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
But I think you've got a Portnoy as adding humor. He's a Boston guy who's obsessed with sports.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I got you. I got you. I've watched the back and forth. You guys get pretty passionate.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That's a rough sales pitch. Yeah, exactly. She was hot five years ago. You don't want to hear that. It's great now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That was the audience. The wife is involved as well, who's very lovely.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I know you don't. She seems lovely. How about that? Nice shoot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah. Don't talk. No, that was it. All right. That was the last one. We're joking. What? Florida. That's great. You like Florida?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Kind of got the same vibe. But, I mean, you don't have to go to that area. You don't go to the French Quarter. We lived a little further away.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah. It's a fun place to visit. Not a great place to grow up, I would say. But, hey, maybe Florida isn't either.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That's interesting. Also, I know a Cuban guy from Cuba. He's obsessed with communism, obsessed with it. He's like, it's coming here. It's going to ruin everything. I know what it's like. And I'm like, all right, all right. Are you getting any of that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That's funny to me. I don't know. That is funny. And you like tequila. Got the worm right in there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
in these circles that uh it's really been cool to watch the evolution of the space thanks because i think the circles that the tv can't like like a theo vaughn i don't know if you're familiar with him he just had trump on love him or hate him you know whatever your politics are fallon's not gonna have trump on right now so he's gonna have him on he'll get some backlash but people are still gonna watch so he can not he doesn't have to answer and he had bernie on the same week and he had
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Bernie on, which no TV show would ever have those two on in the same week. Like Colbert? No way.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That's incredible. What a sperm on that guy. He's the sperm. Rodman's the worm. Wow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
He's a hunk. Yeah. I mean, who didn't he fuck? Carmen Electra, Madonna, Sam.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
He was kind of the early Charlie Sheen. The way Charlie Sheen had that month of like tiger blood and porn stars and cocaine and AIDS. You know, like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Peanut butter with like a vanilla drizzle. What about this shit there? That's crazy. That looks like a chunk chocolate chip with macadamia.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Totally. That's why... No offense, guys, but that's why I never gravitated towards sports because I didn't get any personality out of a Jeter. I like a funny guy or a cool guy or something. I didn't get much. That's why I like one-on-one sports. Like Conor McGregor, love him or hate him, he's a fucking character. Something like Rodman, who I did enjoy, but I needed that personality.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Sorry, this is the gayest photo I've ever seen. Can you name all these shirtless hunks, Dan?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Who's this? It's like the lady who comes with the wallet. Yeah, that's the photo. Yeah, what's the card say? Wow, that's a beautiful rendering of the Winster.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, yeah. The peanut butter is the tits. I got a few Negronis last night on my set. Really? Negroners? Buffs to that? No, I'm just kidding. But working on some new. Oh, so I did Red Bank, New Jersey.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Well, just with comedy, there's a hole we've got to fill. It's the same with the sports, I think. To get good, you've got to really go for it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Pretty great. Pretty great. It feels nice. Yeah, it's nice. And it's a thought you had. It's not even like you didn't have to put anything together. It's just like, hey, my thoughts are getting laughs. Yeah. Feels great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Hidden gem. I don't know how I didn't know about this room. Great town, great theater, great crowd. Did a little meet and greet after. Oh, it was right there, I guess. A guy goes, hey, I just saw Sam at the Stress Factory, and I hightailed it over to you tonight.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
But we have to write it, perform it, and go on the road ourselves and work on a sitcom and we'll do a podcast and drink.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
And thank God they are, because then we look brave. But we're not that brave, because it's like I could never skydive. I'm terrified of it. But some guys are like, I can't wait to skydive. I'm looking forward to it. I think it's just a personality type.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You could spin the self-loathing into working. You go, ah, I fucked up. I'll never do that again. Let me hit the books.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, completely. It's very jazzy. Except it's written. You know, most jazz is improvised. But, yeah, yeah. It's a lot like sports. Bring it back to me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, see, that would kill me as a broadcaster. I'd be like, come on, motherfucker. This is a boring ep. Let's go. But it's weird because you've got this guy on who's very popular, so it's kind of a catch-22. You're like, we've got this great big guy. Everybody loves him, but... We're on microphones here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, and I think, and look, I'm in the minority here, but remember that guy with the gun, Ja Morant?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I'm okay with that. Let the guy play basketball or whatever. Is it basketball?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, let him play basketball. That's off the court. I feel like, you know, the guy should be able to do whatever he wants as long as it's not illegal. Was the gun illegal?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, yeah. All right. Well, I'm like, hey, you know, like if you get caught with a DUI, I'm not going to stop buying your specials. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't like that whole. You've been buying my specials? Yeah, trying to be nice as a friend.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
But I'm just saying, like, that shouldn't affect your ticket sales.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I like when they don't. My whole surprise. I'm sorry. No. If one churns up, I'll let you have it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Unbelievable. Cracker of the day. I'm hoping one day I'll get that. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That'd be more of a flattering thing. That's true. Yeah, good point. You don't want an F of the Day. He does that one, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Right. It's kind of like an attractive girl and then a smoke show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I get it. I get it. We have stuff like that. But what about this? What about a guy who's dying to talk? He's like, oh, I can't wait to do the radio. I'm an egomaniac. I want to hear myself talk.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
A smoke show is great. An attractive girl is great. But when an attractive girl is next to a smoke show, she looks like Salicus.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Well, he kind of started doing an impression of himself at the end, and it just got weird.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That'd be cool. I'm surprised they didn't go all female cast. Hot flashes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, Lady Heat. Well, they're doing a female fight club. Do you hear about this? Wow, really? Yeah, all female. So that'll be interesting. I guess it's like a bunch of roommates who are synced up. All right, okay. That's it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Right, right. Yeah. I never got when girls back in my Tinder days, there would be a girl Tindering and they got the photos and she would be with all her hot friends. And I'm like, every one of your friends is hotter than you. What are you doing to me? Why would you advertise this?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, okay. Where is Columbine? Colorado. Colorado. That's two biggie, three big shootings out of Colorado. There was a grocery store one. Oh, yeah. And then that. Wow. Colorado. Bunch of potheads, I thought.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Happened to me yesterday. So my wife's pregnant, so she's having all these crazy cravings. So yesterday she's like, I'm dying for pho. Let's get pho. I was like, great. I know the spot. Got us a reservation. We walked down there. This place is jam-packed, but it's a Vietnamese place run by Vietnamese people. So they are just, it's like a fucking Santa's workshop in there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
They're just pumping them in, pumping them out. There's no hello. There's no thank yous. It's just business. So we go, two, please. They go, uh, the bar, the bar. You're like, all right, we sit at the bar. And then the lady's going back and forth, so we're trying to order, and God forbid you have a question. And I go, uh, we finally got, okay, two classic foes. Don't hurt us.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
They put the foe down. And there's no sauces. You got to have the sriracha and the brown shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
but all right so they put down there's no sauces so uh and my lady wanted a coke zero so i go uh can we get some sauces and a coke zero she goes coke zero and i go yeah and the sauces she goes i heard you and i was like but you didn't acknowledge the sauces so i just was repeating it so you'd have to make two trips it's a peeve that's a peeve the uh i heard you well i'm like i didn't how do i know you you got to give me an acknowledgement that was it
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It was tense in there, too, just with the action and the steam.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Exactly. So yeah, strange move. Maybe she's like, I'll blend in with them. Maybe I'll rub off some hotness. I don't know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
If it's like, she smells too good. Come on, give me a real one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, I'm with you on the preamble. There's no need for it. And whatever's coming next better be fucking good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Say it. I've noticed a lot of younger people do this where they go...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
actually you know you go uh you know it rained like three inches yesterday actually nah just making up rain thing yeah yeah and also what happened to really we've bypassed really we're going straight to actually yo this is crazy but just fucking just say the thing yeah also i notice people say they don't say i think they say i feel like You know, if I go, I think that movie is a little overrated.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
They go, I feel like it's pretty good. No, you think it's pretty good. What's the feeling?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
But you got to. Yeah, he's the most famous bad guy. So you got to kind of, it's an easy go. Funny to call him famous. That Hitler was a star, I tell you. He is. I mean, he's the most mainstream, notorious bad guy of all time. Stalin killed more people. We go to Hitler. He was somehow picked that he's the guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I'm going to be a star. Mussolini didn't have it. A little boring. Pol Pot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Get out of here. The name is super fun. Pol Pot. Pol Pot, exactly.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
He had Bruno, but that might have been before. That was after Borat, I think. Yeah, Borat, Bruno, Dictator, I guess. That's three. But he got a three-picture deal after Borat.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Well, you look back at that movie, that does not hold up to the scruples of today. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Whoa, that's crazy. See, we got nowhere to answer to. Even Borat, the most rebellious character of all time, has got a thumb on him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
They made Borat 2. Did they? Electric Boogaloo. Yeah, it was not as good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
He did, yeah. I think he's a genius. Yeah. I think he went to Oxford.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. He's what you do when you make fun of stand-up. That's kind of flattering.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, good point, good point. Well, they put Jason Alexander in it to somehow soften the blow of Shallow Hal, and it helped a little, because Alexander was a real sleazeball in that, and he had a tail for some reason. Remember he had the members-only jacket, the toupee? It is weird that, like,
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, and he just loves it. He just loves stand-up. He loves the writing. He loves the whole routine of it. But to your point, Larry David finished Curb, 12 year, 12 season, whatever it is. He goes, I'm going back to stand-up. He did, I think, two shows, and now he's done. So it's a lot of grinding, you know? And this guy's a zillionaire, 75-year-old dude. He's like, I'm not doing that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
They'll be commercial air and they'll be doing clubs and back rooms. A lot of pride.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
And a little bit of a fuck you, I think, to Netflix. You know, like, you want this much requirement out of me? This is what you're getting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
personal to scorsese and that he like really felt it and he wanted to be a part of that ending but i was like it just it just didn't hit me are you familiar with uh gary veder yeah his uh his friend and his opener okay i just didn't know if you knew that story it's just such a great sports story
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Is your audience? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But it fills right up your anal. Oh, you'd like it. It's fucking good, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
No, no, it's just about his dad was a con man and got him free tickets and they went backstage and he said his son was a Sports Illustrated kids writer and he met Jordan, Tiger Woods. Ew, Elway, yeah, look at this shit. Yeah, Wayne Gretzky.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You're telling me that guy's a Trump fan? But also, I hate to break it to you, Leb, but the young black men seem to be going towards Trump. So I don't know if this guy is that different now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I'm not fucking gay. Get that drop. Get that clip. I just went that on loop. That was good. Oh, I had one more question. I lost it. Damn it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, I wish I had something brewing. No brew. Hey, how about those brewings? All right. I had something. Really? You said something. LeBron, Tate, Curry, Woods. Minshew, Guns, Trump. Minshew was actually the Vietnamese football place. No, all right. Shit in my ass. What the hell was that? Something with football. Throw in. What?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It was a good interview. There you go. Threw her off a balcony. What is he, Suge Knight? Good Lord.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That's an amazing stat. NFL film, so. What about Wilt the Stilt? You ever meet that guy?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Sexually transmitted? I mean, he fucking... I think he's got the record. He earned it, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, it's like a hot dog eating contest. You know, dipping women in water.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I think I would. I don't love the race. No. Yeah, of course. Of course. Love Vanessa Williams. Joking. Joking. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
How does Leonardo DiCaprio do it? Because he won't date anyone over 25.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, baby. Portland, Oregon. We're at the whatever Schnitzer Hall that is. London, Ontario. Toronto. We ended the show. Newport, Rhode Island. Monterey, California. Oakland. Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland as well, and Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater. The big one. Did I tell you the story? What? With the Chicago Theater? Oh, yeah, you told me. Larry David.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah. Oh, he gets shit. But how does he know? He must go, hey, I'm Leo, when's your birthday? He must get that early. Because what if she's 25 and a week away from 26?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
No, we're too brave. No, no. You got to roll the dice. People say, do you change up your act? I'm like, it's like a movie. I just play the movie. I don't have an act for everything.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I'm getting pegged. But I'm going to sell that merch. But Amsterdam, yeah, that's just fun. They're going to be glad you showed up too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Good-looking bottle. And I'll be in Fort Lauderdale if you and the wife want tickets. I'll put you right in that sweet balcony, baby.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
The younger demo, they'll be stumbling out after. But on the way in, they'll be good to go.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
And then after the show, your wife's going to text me. Can you do these jokes? All right. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's funny. Usually guys are like, what's their measurements? He's like, what's their day, month, and year? Is he a Scorpio?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
What is it? Fume! Get yourself a fume, folks. Great drink, Sprinter.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I always say, I can tell how much I like a guy by how little he celebrates his birthday. I fucking hate it. You get a guy, it's my birthday week. Everybody buckle up. We're going horseback riding.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Man, we are different people. I'm like, I'll get a case of Jim Beam and a Taco Bell. You don't need Taco Bell. No, I'm joking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I thought it was a surprise. So when Vitor's like, I talked to Sam. I'm like, what? You told him?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, yeah, you put it together. Yeah. Oh, that would be horrible with an orgy. Like, oh, no. Why is Tom O'Connell here? Why is Bob Kelly here? That did happen to me, remember? What?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Also, that guy, he was not friendly either, right? He was kind of a cunty guy.
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Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
And then you're like, what are we going to do if we get into this? Are you going to be up my ass? Am I up your ass? Are we up her ass? I need some details. I need a menu.
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Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You got to get ground rules. I'm doing an orgy. But could you do the watch?
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Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Well, take that and run with it, Candace Owens, because that's not the Dave Smith we all thought we knew.
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Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
And then he said he was like a jacked Asian guy, right? Yeah. He wasn't Asian, but he was, like, jacked. Oh, that's even scarier because now it's threatening. This guy can kick my ass. But then the blowjob, if he watches, what are you guys doing? You know, like, you got to see each other. Yeah, yeah.
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Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Not great. Not great. And that was pre-apps, right? No, I met her on Tinder.
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Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Wow, well done. Look at that. That's beautiful. A lot of wasted space there, huh? For somebody who doesn't like to waste paper. We got a lot of negative white.
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Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
What if we call it The Avenue? You know, we got Boulevard. Go Avenue. Avenue's kind of New York Avenue. I love it. All right, we got it. That's good stuff. Avenue. How about this new fucking bottle? I'm pretty excited. I love the bottle. It really changes the whole feel of the liquor.
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Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's got a raw egg. It's raw meat. You're asking for it, and you're drinking all night. That's the fun, the danger. I guess.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I saw how much bigger you were. I was like, sorry about that. He's a little guy. Oh, is he? Yeah. Amazing. But yeah, first of all, it was crazy supportive. That's when I knew I was like, this isn't for me. I didn't care about any of them, you know, but they were super nice. They're like, oh, you're having you need a place to go to Thanksgiving.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
And I was like, oh, I mean, like in life, they were support both everywhere.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I wasn't that bad. I hate the negate guy. Get rid of him. That guy's a problem. The negate guy. The real N-word.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Is it weird? This is you guys. Completely new and different. But we've worked together for 15 years on jokes. But this is the first time we went up together and told them. So you have to be like, that one's not hitting. Or you got two killers. I got two weak ones. We got to swip and swap.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
We didn't want to get too Sklar brother-y. We wanted to keep it stand-up-y kind of. Not that they're not stand-ups, but you know what I'm saying. We didn't want to finish each other.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Well, the show was such a... I feel like we came prepared. The show was a little... Unorganized. Right. So that's the risk you take. Right, right, right. I think we could do it again if we were. If we wanted to. If we wanted to. Yeah. Do we secretly hate each other? Yeah, it's rough. You've barely looked each other in the eyes. That's my, I can't look people in the eyes. Really?
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
That's not him, yeah. Why not? That's too intimate. He's gotten better, though.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It just feels like... What are we going to hug? We're talking to each other. Well, I'm listening. If I look in the eye, I'll listen less. When you do stand-up, where do you look? Right over the head. Never look at anybody in the eye. Well, that's different because I think when you look at the audience, they'll go, ha-ha. Yeah, I agree. I agree with that. I don't want to force a laugh.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
i go out blasting i want to get them right away because i don't feel like they trust that i'm funny right to prove it right but they know what stand-up is sometimes people at our shows don't know what improv is so that's true they're like what's gonna happen so we kind of explain it i get that there's less of a trust thing with you guys yeah or just from the audience just being like what's gonna happen just a little bit nervous and now they're learning more people always go stand up i don't know how you do it it's so brave and it takes balls this to me is way ballsier because you have no net
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
We have nothing. We have, at least if it's written, and it still could bomb, but you know what you're going to say when you go out there.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Oh, wow. Right. Sometimes you get so lost in the mechanics of the joke, like the wordplay or the punchline, they don't realize we're saying something about Lizzo being fat.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I used to have a joke where I go, you know, kids back in the day, they yelled shotgun. Now they're in a classroom. And to me, I'm just like, shotgun, shotgun. There you go. That's a joke. The audience is like, Jesus, you're talking about dead kids. And I'm like, oh, yeah. I was just working on the shotgun thing. Right. So you're like, then you adjust. Nah, I kept it. But my crowd liked it.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
No, you have to tweak though. I mean, that's the thing.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It was, yeah. That's why we prepared the shit out of it. Yeah, that's awesome.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, there you go. Is he younger? Is Luigi the young one?
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, it's great. What the fuck? I love that you guys flew first class. Well, they're flying us. Netflix. I flew back coach, by the way. What the hell? Why? Because I needed that time slot. That's all they had. Yeah. I'd rather a red eye and just pass out. Did you get any sleep? Yeah.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Look at me. It's the best I felt in weeks.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
You look like hell. This guy's sick now. Everybody. I'm the only one that's sick. You're doing great. Thanks. Yeah, I feel good. But back to the movie, goddammit. Yeah.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Well, I'm just glad he's still working because Mike Myers is kind of done and Eddie Murphy's kind of done. It's just good to see.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Whoa, we were just talking about that.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah. Can we pull up? I know this could be a tough find, but Larry, I mean, sorry. Gary? Gary. I'm thinking Larry Sanders. Gary on the green room going at it with Bo Burnham. It's pretty funny. With Bo Burnham? They kind of got into it a little bit.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah. I mean, it's going to take some whittling down because that's a long clip.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I think it's right out of the gate. This show is amazing, by the way.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
He's like 22 here. God, he's so young in this.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Here we go. Who are you? So that gets a fun laugh. Young guy with this. He's locking and loading.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
The delivery was so perfect. I mean, that was like Jedi shit.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Roasting the year 2024. Okay, how do you guys feel? Definitely not the roast of the year. It was one of the worst of all time.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
You got that right. Thank you. Can you just imagine? This is some sappy shit, but Seinfeld and Gary started basically around the same time. They kind of came up together. Did they?
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Very paralleled careers stand-up wise, and they really fell in love with each other and became fast friends. They both get a sitcom. This is in the same lot, Seinfeld and Larry Sanders show. Is that true? I didn't know that. And so they got to do the shows together, and then both win Emmys together. I mean, it's pretty wild. That's crazy.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, I guess so. Did you play Diablo and all those things? Nah, I never got into Diablo. Warcraft took over. Warcraft took over. You were a big Warcraft man. Yeah, my brother liked it, so I played Tales. Yeah, I played Second Fiddle. He would go pee and go eat, and I would get in there.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, I was going to say, before podcasts, seeing that kind of stuff was so rare. I remember on the bench there in the park, and Seinfeld's like, don't you hate when everybody says comedians are depressed? Like, people driving bread trucks aren't depressed. Come on, get the hell out of here. And he goes, I'm sensing rage. Fucking broke up. It was great. It's great. He's the king.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
He's the best delivery. He's the best guy ever. I miss him so much. Another nerdy comedy nugget. Have you seen the Ricky Gervais interview with him? Yes.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Like, in real life, he went to his house. He's annoyed. Yes, he should be. Yeah, and he kind of calls him out. It's all on tape.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Like, it was like... Pull that up if you can.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Are you really mad? Are you actually mad? And he's like, yeah, yeah, I'm mad. Ah, it's great. You got to find the, yeah, that's in his house. There it is. It's part one because it's right in the beginning. So you can skip all the makeup bullshit. And if you get right to the, what he gets in the house.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Nice feather in your cap. That's what I think Ricky said. Yeah, you're probably right, because he just... No laugh track.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Right. Wow, he's so young and chubby. Yes, his kitchen. He's in the house. Such an L.A.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
That's crazy. Oh, here it is. He's already directing.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
All right, all right, all right. We can keep going. But yeah, these are, these ringage, he does that one with Larry David. They're all great. Amazing. Sanders is the, Sanders. Shanley is the king.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I loved it. The orcs killing him. How about Sin City? Not Sin City.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Sim City is Leisure Suit Larry. Remember Leisure Suit Larry?
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Wow. Isn't that crazy? Kooky. Very kooky.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Dookie? Good album. Way off. Ah, shit. Well, last nugget on Shanley, and then I'll put it to bed. Please. Do you see the documentary about him? Yeah. Apatow made. It's great. It was great. Gorgeous.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
But, so, he always does two-parters. But, okay. Funny people, four-parter. You can't get him on the podcast. What are you doing? Oh, we've had him many times.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
what told his wife wanted to get married or his girl his girlfriend wanted to get married we got to get married we got to get married you know gary did yeah gary's girlfriend's like we have to get married you're like 48 linda was that it was that maybe maybe he won't so he's like i don't want to get married i'm scared she's like you got to marry me and he goes how about this i'll marry you when the house is finished being built and she was like done that that works and he's like all right and he kept adding wings to the house just to get out of the marriage he was like oh the pool's not
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Not done. Oh, the garage is halfway. And then she'd be like, well, the garage is done. He's like, I added a guest room to the third floor. So he kept building, and then he died.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I love it. That's so funny. You love it. I'm a commitment phone. I caved because I can't afford to build more house. But ran out of things to build. Yeah.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
He's got a joke, oh, I'm going to fuck this up. He goes, you know, I fucked Miss Georgia. And then the guy goes, really? He goes, well, former Miss Georgia. He goes, well, really? He goes, all right, it was George Foreman. Norm MacDonald, the king, the funniest guy ever, quotes that as like, I can see how every joke is constructed. I've been doing comedy so long.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
He's like, I have no idea how he wrote that joke. Really? Yeah, he's just like, that joke is on another level of joke writing. Did you have Norm on this podcast?
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I'm autistic. Are you for real? Well, no, I just remember that date. And my birthday is four days later, too. My birthday is September 15th. Hey, Virgo!
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I love the joke. I mean, I can't pick one, but one of my favorites is, He goes to the gay pride parade. I was going to say that. Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me? That joke is established.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I'm going to fuck it up, but it's like he's at the gay pride parade. A mom had a sign that said, I'm proud of my gay son. Or I'm proud that my son is gay or something. And he's like, well, what are you proud of? It's not an accomplishment. You know, it's like if you're like, my son graduated from law school at Harvard. You're like, all right, that's proud of. That's worthy of being proud of.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Now you're just like, he loves cock. Yeah. Something like that. I can't do it like that.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, no, you're butchering it. I butchered it.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I mean, first of all, that observation is brilliant. Anyone would see I'm proud of my gay son and go, oh, that's nice. Mom's proud of her son. She's not homophobic. That's nice. He goes... Why are you proud of him? It's not an achievement.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Fun nugget, the moth story. You know, it's five minutes long. That's a one-liner. That's an incredible joke. It probably is like Masterpiece. But the moth joke is one line that Colin Quinn told him. He's like, hey, you ever heard that joke? Why'd the moth go to the therapist? He goes, well, what are you in here for? He goes, the light was on. That's the whole joke.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
But he made it five minutes long because Conan said, oh, our guest didn't show. Can you stretch a little?
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
So he took that joke and just stretched. That was on the fly. Is that true? That's true.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Well, I get sappy on a plane. I get emotions on a plane.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
No, I just think it felt necessary. Maybe I'm changing.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
What? Jesus. Well, you look like a lump. I don't know. It had to be said, and it felt like we left abruptly. We did a podcast, then he got into a car, I got into a car, I went to the airport. I love it. We're getting older.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It was too abrupt, so I felt like I needed a ta-da at the end.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Don't get me gifts. It just piles up. Unless I really need it. Right, right, right. A good hairline. I do. Yeah. Oh, thanks. I was trying to compliment you.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
But you guys did well. You hit it. We did well. I ended horribly. I fucked up the ending.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
That's flowy, black. Thick, thick black head of hair.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I got one to buy you some time. Go, please. All right. How about this one? The guy who doesn't know the answer to something, he asks you, you don't know either, and then he gets mad. Oh, that's good. I like that. This happened to me today. What's the example? Well, the guy's like, when does this place open? Or he said something like that. Where does it close? And I go, oh, I don't know.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I try to give a little, oh, show. Because I don't want to be the guy who goes, I don't fucking know. Get out of here. So I go like, ah. I go, ah, I don't know. Four or five. I'm not really sure. And he goes, thanks a lot. And I'm like, well, you didn't know either, dick cheese. What the fuck?
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yes. They love you, but they're going a different way.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
There's a couple others. Let's table that.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
yeah i can't do that you ever heard that bill burr thing he says those those uh la meetings you got to do over the phone like a general or whatever yeah yeah he goes i throw my phone across the bed while i'm laying on the bed and i cover my eyes and i just wait till it's over so like unless they ask me a question i i'll answer it but if they don't i just wait and like that's amazing and then wait till it's over and i totally understand do you guys have top comics what's your favorite comic of all time
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Come on. What are we doing? I'd be like Cosby's later work.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yes. You're one of those fucking kids that lives up in Riverdale. That's your taxi driver.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Well, it's crazy. Back in the 40s, guys worked in a factory in dress shoes. They served in the war.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, we've DM'd a little. Okay. Yeah. How'd that go? Good, actually. It was very nice and complimentary of my dumb tweets. I love it. Also, I got a joke on the Globes. From him? I sent him.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
That's pretty good to be at this level, writing on this, the 81st Oscars.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Man, so many kids yelling, a lot of kids stuff.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I love voiceover. Wow, boy, if you can get into voiceover, you are set for life, baby. It doesn't pay very well. Oh, it doesn't? Yeah, voiceover does not pay very well. I just thought, I guess I go off the Simpsons guys. Those guys are- Oh my God, no.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
God, they fuck you every way. And then that writer's strike I think had like an opposite effect.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Modern Family. Wow, that show is underrated, I feel like.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
You barely walk around with them. Now they're wearing pink, neon green shoes. It's all different ball games.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Man, you could host. You look right in that desk. I love Colbert. He's so smart, dude.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Whoa. Branson didn't know he was joking, I guess?
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It aired. Yeah, I mean, you can't not air that. Right. Takes off his pants. Yeah, I think they scrubbed it. They scrubbed it. What the fuck?
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
And he seemed fun. Letterman, to me, was cool, but he was like this older statesman where Conan felt like a guy I would hang out with.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Well, it's funny. We were just talking about this the other day. If we photobomb a photo, people will stab us. But if Julia Roberts does, it's like a huge win. I literally have kept it my whole life in the same place.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Okay. Yeah. What are your favorite movies? Well, we got to wrap this up, but yeah, throw something out there.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Well, I like Cool Hand Luke. I just love that movie. I love Groundhog Day. Oh, that's a perfect comedy. Deep.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
And it's in theaters, which is nice. I love a theater movie.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It was awesome. I saw Ghostbusters, the new one with Paul Rudd. Yeah. With Ronnie Chang in Lincoln Center. It was so fun. So cool. Yeah. So cool. Day of the, what is it? The release day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
This is exciting. All right. Well, go. What's the website called?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Anyway, that's right. You don't have to look at any of this anymore. Check it out, rejectedjokes.com, folks, for the tour dates.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Well, we had a lot of help. We don't know what the hell we're doing, but we're getting there. We're in all these comedy clubs now, and it's online.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
How cool is that? Very cool. Are you happy you're doing it?
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, my wife's eight months pregnant. Oh! I'm taking a break after January. Congrats. Thank you, sir. How cool. Not mine. Houston, Texas. All right. Phoenix, Dallas. And then I'm going to take a break. And then we're back in Nashville at the Ryman. Dude, that venue's the best. I'm excited. And then Asheville, I'm doing a make-up date because of that cunt Helene ruined the city.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
So you don't have to think about this at all. No. We pump out the jokes. So come on by. We pump out the jokes. I don't know when this comes out. Oh, shit. All right. Well, yeah. Happy New Year. Happy Holidays.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It had some darkness to it. Well, making a stand up movie is always challenging because punchline, they're all kind of considered a joke.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I was that stupid. We have a friend who, I'm not going to say his name, but he did Montreal and had a bad set and lost his manager. No. So he went to Montreal and lost industry. Wow. Lost representation. Jesus. I've never heard of that before. Yeah. He must have been really bad. Yeah.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
he's good he just had it was like one of those uh industry nights where they're all in their blackberries no one's listening and he just tanked and they're all there to see one hot guy yeah that guy skyrocketed matt rife and then uh all the other people they're just waiting like oh who's this douche get out of the way and then they bombed Wow. Yeah, but it was better off. He's better off.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
You don't want that manager. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The person that gives up on you immediately. Yeah. After one bad set.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Why do you think that is? Because there's always something wrong. You can always find a way.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Have you ever had one of those? Because you've done a million shows, I assume. Yeah. You ever had one of those ones like, there's good, there's great, and then one is just magic. Everything just comes together. I did improv for like 10 minutes. Did you? Oh, yeah. Somebody told me if you're going to do stand-up, you should do an improv class just to learn how to riff.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
The Pit. Yeah, I performed with The Pit when I first started.
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Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
maybe he's not kooky but he's like the old he's like the veteran over there he was not he was he was low bar oh he's like the guy that like their forms named after armando diaz yeah okay this guy he's intro he probably was an intern that they gave us but it was bad but first thing i noticed was improvisers are supportive comments like get out of my way you piece of shit open mics and stand up were like oh they're just not listening ruthless the guy the guy i tour with who's like now one of my best friends barack obama
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Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
He looks so tired. Oh, he's got all those kids and a Hispanic wife. If she doesn't clean around the house, you got to be like, hey, you got to keep up with Hispanic part everywhere.
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Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
But when he started... One, two, three, four, five. Having a pregnant wife now is so much work. Imagine doing that five times. It's insane.
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Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Seven. Holy... And she looks great. She hung in there. She's like a yogi. Ah. But still, it must be tough.
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Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
I think Tig Notaro replaced him. Oh, that was D'Elia in another movie.
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Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Oh, yeah. We had another thing. I can't remember. That naughty little fatty. You never met Alec.
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Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Damn. Yeah, the years of – when I was younger, I feel like a lot of people had five kids, four kids. You don't see that as much anymore.
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Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Well, you don't have to. Everyone is depressed. Everyone's like, I'm depressed. Life is horrible. There's so much hate in the world. And then you're like, you want a kid? They're like, well, I don't want to ruin my life. I'm like, oh, wait. I thought your life was depressed and ruined and worthless.
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Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah, he goes, how's this car? And he goes, it's not easy. Maybe that's about marriage. Marriage, yeah, it's about marriage.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
a bunch of different like i go from one thing to the next and it does because i'll start with stand up because you can't it's hard to go back to stand up but yeah who's this guy hey sit down come on in oh yeah go pee oh that we've heard hey rosebud you know kyle hi how are you this is a classic
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Oh, yeah. That's a classic video. They should play that at every comedy club before you go on. This is from 18 years ago. Woo. It looks like it's from the 60s. It looks like, yeah. That's RFK. Man, that must have been Boston, I guess. Oh, yeah. Maybe. I don't know, but crazy times. Isn't it amazing how much fucked up shit has happened in a comedy club before cameras?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
How many sets do you have in your early years where you're like, man, I wish that was filmed? Oh, I have a lot where I'm glad there was no camera. Wow, that too. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Thanks for coming. Oh, thank you for having me. Blair's got a new YouTube special.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
You're a big bummer. Well, it's 2.30 in the afternoon. It does seem early. What is your vice? You guys potheads?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Do you find, because sometimes I'll wake up a little groggy and I feel like I missed a mental step with the weed gummies. Do you feel fine in the morning?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
It doesn't, okay? He smokes a lot of weed. Yeah, he's big into it. Big weed guy. He does it on his podcast. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
No. And then you start bombing, then you think about bombing, and then you think about that, and then you think about that, and you're off in another dimension while they're just staring at you. Yeah. Your time is slower, so you're bombing longer. No. That's true. That was the worst thing about Zoom comedy was you're bombing in your room.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
So like now I'm in my room bombing and you close your laptop and you're like, oh, I'm home. I'm still here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
No. No, no way. You got all these little boxes and you're like, is that guy laughing in the top right? No, he's not. Okay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Who wants that guy at their birthday? I need the Secretary of Treasury.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Did you just put in a different name? What year was that, do you think? You did this. Oh, this is...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
I don't get why this guy gives a speech. Who's after you, the Attorney General?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
But it's funny, because Tony Robbins hired you, and after this bomb, you have to hire him to, like, build your motivation.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
That was good. I want to talk about that story. You're like, I need help. I'm in a dark place, Tony. That's really funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
That's true. It wasn't televised, but I had to do 10 minutes of warm up at the VMAs, you know, Radio City sold out a bunch of like young, hot twinks and sexy, you know, Ariana Grande types. And I am dying. Nobody will even look at me. And J-Lo walked by and I was like, hey, J-Lo. And she goes, oh. Like, don't bring me into this bullshit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
And they lit me early, and they were like, get off, get off. So I did about eight. There's me trying to get around Bebe Rexha to get on stage.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
He was in the front row, and he came up and shook my hand. He was like, hey, how are you? That's how loose the set was. That's how bad I was bombing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Part on Yamanika. I almost got stabbed in the eye. I bet.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah, that was a starter. That was an opening the door. It was a squeak. Yeah, yeah. Nice. What are you doing in New York?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Hey. Yeah. Happy birthday. You have a daughter?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Can we pull up the special? It looks so damn good. How did you get that to look so sharp and crisp?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Oh, okay, okay. Veeps, they did Brad Williams as well.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Wait a minute. Are those the sleeves with the thumb hole? Yeah, they are. Nice. I like that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Peeves. Anyone got some peeves? Yeah, I always have peeves. I had one. We had one today. We went to a diner earlier. I hate the guy, the waiter will bring you the bill, and then he hovers. I'm like counting chain. I'm counting cash, and he's just like, he wants that money. And I'm like, get out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
That's a classic Hollywood move is pretending to not know who someone is. That happens all the time in Hollywood. That's literally called Hollywooding. Yeah, there you go. It's a verb.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
And you got to give them a tip. You're like, you're right here. You're right here. I have to go 20%. Yeah. 18. But yeah, I don't like all this. The money should be a little more private. It's like ATMs. Remember you stood back while a guy used an ATM or a porn booth?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
A variation of a dodge. Yeah. Yeah. That and motorcycles, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
I get it, but I get both sides. I get why because you're paranoid. Your whole thing is like get through this fucking line. So when someone's holding back seven feet of space, mentally you just want it filled.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
So I get it, but I get your point too. You're not wrong.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yes, diagonal walkers. What are you, a bishop? Like a rook or whatever that is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Those line me. Yeah, that's no good. But he's a psychotic man. Yeah. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
If it's a lady, I give them the wall. If it's a guy, it's a Mexican standoff. Yeah. That's a tough one. If he's Mexican, I give it to him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
His hands are really tiny. He's a small, he's 5'7". Yeah. I met him once. Huge hog, by the way.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
It's like lore around L.A. Really? Everybody, oh, 5'8".
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
There's a clip from a prostitute podcast. She's like an escort, and she talked about it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Of course you just decided. Yeah, exactly. Well, fucking podcaster Kamala is on Call Her Daddy. Did you see that? That's insane. The political world is so bananas right now. Theo is having Trump and Bernie Sanders. It's just out of whack. Yeah. I think she's doing Stern. Kamala Harris is doing Howard Stern. Do you realize how insane? Telling a kid in the 90s that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
You're going to have the first female possibly candidate on your show after the whores with the cold cuts on the ass.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
And Shane Secret Pod. So yeah, he's a busy man when he's not running over bears. Maybe Whitney's baby is an RFK. Ooh. Could be. It's going to go, mama. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Did that sell? The problem is it's not the raspiness. It seems like he's gasping to talk. That's what bugs me about it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
It's upsetting. It feels like you can't be serious.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
I do Nancy Pelosi. Oh, wow. Nobody does Pelosi. No one does Pelosi.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Oil paintings. Is that Ben Shapiro you did? Oh, you do do Shapiro. Oh, yeah. Juliette Lewis commented on that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
I know, exactly. I mean. He hates kids. No, I guess you have to put in Kyle Dunn again. Oh, Mars spelled. M-A-H-E-R. That's so funny to hate. I got a million guys doing me. I've never gotten angry about it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
We don't have to watch the whole thing, sorry. This is crazy. It's so good. SNL should get wind of this, or at least bad TV.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
My name is Nancy. Oh, you got that fucking skull hand. No skeleton hand.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
The politicians, I assume, aren't going to hit you up. Nah. But Tony Robbins found you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Did you see Gaffigan is doing Tim Walls now on SNL?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Tim Wall, I mean, that would be the dream, is just be a regular working comedian, and then SNL's like, hey, can you come do that one guy you look like?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Almost as good as yours. It's the little things. Yeah. Yeah, that's like. He's so funny. She's perfect for this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Unburdened by what may have been. We are not going back.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
No, this isn't it. Nah, there's a guy. Nah, forget it. Ah, well. Damn. Good time to be a comic. Any recs? I've been watching the Vince McMahon. You guys watching that a little bit?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah, a lot of dad cum. Is that proven, though? Because he just wrote that in.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
I feel like his show is bigger than ever, and now you pop up, and you got a hell of a Maher.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
What a guy. He's in real trouble now. That mustache is pretty villainous, too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's looking fucking old. He could be an impression. Have you put him on the list? He's got the raspy voice. Let me work on that. Pull up a Vince McMahon now. He sounds like a little Blair Sokey in there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
becomes paralyzed in a match like some dark shit so that's what i had to do to get a hug from my dad not one yet but yeah he uh he's a scary dude Oh, boy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Bark like a dog, he made her. And she got interviewed, and she was like, it wasn't that bad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
She's all right. By the way, his wife's in a wheelchair throughout this whole thing. I mean, it's great. That's the gag.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
This is primetime network TV, folks. I can do her.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Oh, completely. I mean, they did blackface. They did every stereotype in the book.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
He should have you on. He'll have you on eventually. He has the other impression.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Let's always be on your tombstone. Matthew Perry's is, I won't be there for you. When the rain starts to fall, I'll be there. His doctor got in trouble. You see that? His doctor got convicted of whatever, overdosing. One lady, too, right? Was it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Oh, really? Some people don't like impressions of themselves. Well, he has a very high sense of himself. Like he always says, I'm the best comic. I'm a great comic, blah, blah, blah. Where other comics are like, I suck. Like David Tell is like, I'm a hack. Mars is like, I'm the king.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Could this be any sadder? Had to be done. Obligatory.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Pull this up. Adam West, Batman, was the biggest poonhound in America. He would fuck like two women. I don't know about this footage, but he'd bang two women that night. Then he'd wake up, bang another lady. Then he'd go to the set and have a lady on the set to bang. It's crazy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
What a vintage. Well, it's the 60s, so I'm trying to throw it back. Talk about having a hot mom, too, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
You're like, you? Well, you only hear it from other people about your mom, not the daughter.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Eight women a night. That's not possible. Talk to Kyle. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Well, you spread it out. That's not even fun. No, it's not.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
That's true. Wow. He was a superhero. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Right. Well, yeah, we don't get it. We don't want to get into that. But yeah, I know what you mean. But now these kids have nothing to complain about because back in my day, if you couldn't get it up, you had to like apologize and tell a story or go down on it for an hour. Now these kids are just like, hey, I can't get it up. I'll take a blue chew.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah, and black people weren't allowed in the limelight. So you couldn't, you'd have to compete. Because they're all ripped. I don't know if we should be going down this road.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
They weren't taking our women. Joking. And sports were easier too. And you had someone to do your job.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah, yeah. Who do I not like? I've never seen him laugh either. You hate Cosby? Yeah. Yeah, that's true. People who hate Trump tend to be a little Trumpy. Cuomo. Cuomo. Alec Baldwin. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Well, you know, all the blue-haired ladies were like, you can't say that. I'm like, well, you're like a dictator now. You're telling us what we can and can't do. It's kind of ironic.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Pull him up. Oh, pull him up. He's old school. Was he a Brooklyn guy? I think he was. Everyone, every Jew in the old days was from Brooklyn. That's got to be. I mean, he looks like one of my cousins. He really does. He looks like Michael Richards. Oh, look at that form. I love it. Yarmulke on or off?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Not a lot of Jews named Dolph anymore, by the way.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
What do you think, Blair? JFK Jr. a hunk or what? Pull him up. I mean, this is the hottest man on the planet, if you ask me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Get over here and put a towel down. Have you seen this man, JFK Jr.?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
You know him. You'll recognize him. He's in everything. Walton Goggins. Walton Goggins.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
He lives in the West Village where he has a house there. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I've seen him walking around.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Incredible. Yeah, he's a good actor. Is it the acting that you like, the fact that he's ripped, or the crazy mug?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
You know all the women are talking about right now is this Adam Brody.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
He's good. Yeah. That show is girl porn. I've been having to watch it with my wife. Girl porn. Yeah. He's got all this riz and he's funny and cute and he helps old women get across the street.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Wait, who's Jeffrey Dean Morgan? He's in a lot of shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Oh, Dwayne Wade. Yeah, yeah. The little basketball player?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
And body. Yeah, that's true. Boy, I'd love to see that guy naked. Would you love to see Kim Jong-un? There's not a stitch of hair on that body. I bet he's smooth as a seal. And I bet he's got a tiny, tiny little crab rangoon.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
That doesn't pay the bills. No. There's a lonely epidemic.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
That's what I do. He's going to hate that. He watches the show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Speaking of the devil, that's Coco coming in hot. I mean, that's his thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Damn. They'd Huff's Huff. Amber Smith. Tracy Richman. Woo, baby. All right. Quite a list of... People that have no connection with each other. He's like, you, Blair.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
What about you, Kyle? Who's your number one besides the Sarah Silverman who broke your heart?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Who are some of your number one hot ladies that you're into?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
It was one page of a guy fishing. That's about right. That's great. This is an ad for a fucking laptop. Or mental health.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah, the Peter Griffin. Yeah, that's about right. oh that's good stuff by the way that's never what you want to hear on a naked pic zoom in that's true he's all ball bag yeah he's got a fupa it's fucking bad yeah what is what does david tell say i want to tickle him till he queefs duck sauce
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Did you guys see that Lana Del Rey, famous pop star, is dating a Louisiana crocodile hunter? Married.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Right. A crocodile might be easier. But yeah, good point. Oh, look at that. He's like a man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
This guy's a Cajun Southern dude. Oh, check out that name, Mark.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah. We kept going, and he kept being like, I took the night off for this interview, so let's hang out all night. I'm like, ah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah. Thanks for getting me shit-faced. I know. I set aside a half an hour for this, and he was like, we're going all night. We did. Yeah. That was not wise. Did he find you after the show? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
No. I've seen your feed. You've got talons. You've got like eagle feet. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
I don't know. This is on the internet. No! This is Delecuse's homepage. All right, what are you doing?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Oh, you look good. Oh, there you go. That's a nice covered up photo of Annie Wood.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
And there was nothing. If you can find this as a gay site that rates comedians. Oh, I don't want to. Really? Yeah, so I was like, it'll be me versus Brian Hamilton or you versus Judy Gold. Whatever it is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah. I opened for him in Vegas years ago and we drove around for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, you want to get McDonald's? I was like, okay. And then we sat in the McDonald's parking lot and ate and he talked about comedy and then he touched my leg and we went home. No, we didn't. Yeah. Well, he had his knee hit mine.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
No, I get it. He's feeling it out. But I will say he ordered milk from McDonald's, which I had never seen. Wow. That's wholesome and disgusting. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Oh, that's a great bit, yeah. What is that? He's making out with some girl, and he's, like, going for the bra, and she's like, no, stop. And he's like, okay. Then they're making out more, and he goes for the pants. She's like, no, stop. He's like, okay. And then he sees her the next night at the comedy club, and he goes... She goes, what happened? Why didn't we have sex?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
And he goes, you kept stopping me. And she's like, I wanted you to go for it. And he's like, so you want me to rape you on the off chance you're into it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
You know, it's like, yeah, but it's that's a great bit. It's a tough one. Yeah, it's tough because you're you got to know what the lady is into or wants, but you can't ask. But then if you ask you, you're like a pussy, you can't be like, can I kiss you? And I think the guys going in for the kiss, they've seen it on a movie, you know, where they're just like, you just go in for it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
I know. My wife was telling me the other day, she's like, oh, I banged a bunch of guys that I just didn't know how to get rid of. And I'm like, oh, great. All right. Is that what happened with us? She did not say that. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a bunch. She's like, I'm having sex with men who are just like, how do I get out of this? Like, how do I end this date? And you're like, I got to fuck them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah, let's try the squid. Yeah. Keep it coming.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
It's a long thing. It's so long. But thank God for comedy, because we have an out. We go, oh, I got a 10 o'clock spot. I'll see you later. But if you like her, you can bring her to the show. But if you don't, it's a good way to hit the road.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah, true. You got to introduce, and he's like, oh, man, there's Bill Burr. And you're like, oh, geez, now I got to introduce you to Bill Burr. Yeah, that is brutal.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
I brought a girl to a show once. I had a hot set. We had sex. Then I brought her back to another show like a week later, and I bombed. I never heard from her again. I swear to God. Marie! Marie! Never heard from her again. I had a tough, tough set. And she was like, all right, well, you know, it's getting late, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Please. What do you got? You got an idea? Premise? Yeah, I got a bunch. Well, what's something you're excited about? Half hour of stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Oh, come on. Are you really? Oh, okay. All right. Go straight through that door. Let it circle around. Yeah, we'll ride. All right. Oh, I got nothing on this puppy tits. Yeah. I mean, that felt like a bit. Yeah. Like done. It does need, I think it could use a tag, but milk bone. Yeah, just, I mean, the premise is you have- I'm going to put them in the pound. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
But having just something women love versus – Right. So – Well, I've always said the things women like about men aren't considered creepy. Like women like a tall guy. A woman can go up to a guy and be like, wow, you're so tall. And that's completely fine. But a guy can be like, huge tits, you know. Women go, you're funny. Funny is a turn on or you have a good – you have a great job.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
I guess a woman can't say you have a lot of money.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
All right. Okay. We got a lady here who agrees. How do you get money and tits to connect? Oh, just coming out of your shirt, maybe. Yeah. Or out of your pockets. Uh-huh. That's closer to your shirt. Oh, yeah, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Oh, he does love you. That's the new bunch of fish in the sea is a lot of trainers in L.A.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
What if there's, you know, a stripper will bring you to the champagne room. Maybe he's like, I'll be your only client. You know, like he's like, we'll work together alone. Yes, yes. Come to your house or something. Some kind of parallel with getting him alone. And you got to pay him a little more when he finishes the job.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah. And maybe you pay him by putting ones in his whatever pants he's wearing. Parachute pants.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
And we got to finish yours. I know. Sorry, I had to go out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
What about this? Your bachelorette party, you bring everybody to the gym. All your girlfriends are all going to the gym to meet this. That's good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Maybe a rescue could be fake tits. You rescued your small boobs. Rescue is fake tits. That's stupid.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Maybe the end is the big difference is I can go to the pound and get a free puppy. Tits are quite expensive or something. The difference between them instead of just comparing them could be a way to button it up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Even Roseanne is freaked? That's a bad sign. She's a kook and a half. I like her.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Maybe something with a puppy and tits. They're both a lot of work to get back to the house. Like you got a potty tray in the puppy for tits. You got to buy dinner. I don't know. You got to buy food for both. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah. You got something here. It bothers me. It bothers me. Oh, what about the idea of service tits? Oh, service tits. Service animals. Now, what do you do with these boobs on the plane? They make me feel better. They calm me down.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Seeing eye tits. That doesn't even make sense. All right, I got one. Help me with this. This is a raw, wacky idea. It's all up in the air. So me and the wife moved into this new house, and we got this designer guy, like this flamboyant gay guy. He's an amazing designer, but they're butting heads left and right, and they keep arguing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
And she's like, you said this, and how come you can't complete this? He's like, I never said that. And she's pulling up receipts and stuff. Like, you said it right here. And I'm like, oh, you're gay. You've never argued with a woman. All right. This is a whole new world for you. You're way out of your element. And he's like, his head is spinning.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
And she's like, you said this, and I never forgot that. And what about this six months ago? And he's like, where's all this coming from? And so I need some money.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
torturing you what's another thing she does uh she remembers everything she has text to prove everything that's this one yeah investigative journalism yeah oh my the tone i don't like your tone um i feel like uh you're you're slighting me uh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah, yeah. Just from experience. Right. She starts withholding sex from him. That's it. I'm never fucking you again. You're like, wait, what was that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
That's funny. I like that. That could be good. That's really good. I like that. All right. That's funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
That helps. Look at that. Look at that. But he must go home to his husband at the end of the day. Thank God you're a dude. Yeah. All right, what do you got there?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. What's shaking? We got the one, the only Kyle Dunn again. Been there, done again. Been there, done it again. What's shaking? Done again. This is primo Dunn again time. I mean, it's just RFK Jr. up the wazoo. It's Bill Maher up the ass. I think the Maher is my favorite.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
I think the heaven is a good angle because it gives it somewhere to go. Now we have that to play with. Heaven is good. She's not going to get in because you took your seat.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
This is why I'm bringing this one up. Yeah, yeah, that is tough. You hope the plane crash, she would die, and you'd be like, oh, thank God. She took my seat.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Maybe there's something with a baby on a flight screaming and something with her screaming, some kind of parallel there. I don't know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
That's a tough one. Yeah, I don't know where to go.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
You know how people... Where's Cheryl Hines on all this? She's like, you brought home a fucking bear now. What do we do? You're already running for president. You don't have Secret Service.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Oh, good. Good move. That was very funny. Bell House, Mothership, and something else I saw. Joe's Pub with the piano. With the band. Hell yeah. Yeah. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yes. Check out the special. Uh-oh, we lost it. Uh-oh. Where'd you go, Sally?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Austin Tejas. Go to the Vulcan Gas Co. Oh, I like that place. Yeah. Great. Look at that hair. Thank you. Like a pinup. All right. What do you got there, Samuel L. Jackson?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Very good. Hey, Cleveland Hilarities. Best club. Great club. One of my faves. Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago, theater, Poughkeepsie, Connecticut, North Carolina, see Asheville. Oh, is Asheville, do they have people anymore? No, they don't.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Yeah. All right, we'll figure something out. We'll send them a bottle of bodega. Houston, Phoenix, and Dallas. Thank you. Get some Bodega Cat, folks.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Right, right. You ever heard him without the voice, pre-voice? It's pretty wild. Just, it's so crazy to see him, no crazy voice. He's young. You got to go young. What happened to his voice? I think he got some kind of illness in the trachea.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
It would have helped. Yeah. But the bear shit doesn't help either. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
That's a little Bob Newhart for you. Look how cute. Oh, wow. Good-looking guy. All the Kennedys are hunks. They all have good hair. That's that Irish stock. Pull up John F. Kennedy Jr. This would be my number one if I flipped to homosexuality. Yes. I think he is the best-looking guy on the planet. Body, hair, face. Everything.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
I mean, the whole thing. He's a Kennedy. He can fly a plane. Apparently not well. Oh, that's true. That's funny he cannot fly a plane. But look at that hairline. I mean, the thick, full head of black hair, the perfect amount of chest.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
A little, yeah, a little. But look at that. I mean, that is a man. Handsome guy. Woo! Got the good smile. He's got the suit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Good-looking people I don't listen to, man or woman.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
All right. I heard that Stephen Colbert's dad, brother, and cousin were all- I think two brothers. He lost a lot of family. Pull it up. Crazy story.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Damn. Dad and two older brothers. Wow. Plane crash after. Was that one plane?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
See, they ride around in those single-engine Cessnas all day. That's what rich people do. They got the mini planes. Four plane crashes. Okay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Really? You're wrong. I'm right. I told you there was no God. So terrific.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
It's got a lot of Austin Powers in there. It's all Austin Powers. Do I make you Randy?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
He loves Tim Dillon. He loves Rogan. He's always in that world. He did Kill Tony once. Oh, he did? Yeah, he did a set and he really bombed. Wait a minute. RFK Jr. did a comedy set? At the Forum. Can we see that? It's really bad. Oh, this is hilarious. I know. I wish somebody sniped it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 197: Simon Recs (Rex)
He knew to make me tell the joke in a tiny little area where he'd feel trapped. Right. So, yeah, Trump goes, Artie was the best. He was the funniest. He was the funniest. And then, how are we going to tell the joke? And then, I was a loser. And this is, I don't know how,
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Well, you saw that. I know it's old news now, but the scene where the guy was pulling the ball out of that guy's glove? Yeah. That was, I mean, in Japan, that wouldn't fly. They would cut that guy's hand off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, it was in the World Series, but it was so egregious.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Tony Tarasco. Pops it back to the wall. Kid stole it. That's a home run. And he was a hero.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
You don't seem Jew. You hide your Judaism like Anne Frank. Can I? I am. I'm whispering in the attic. Camel hat. the hoodie, the high top.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, but you don't look particularly Jewish.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
It's like when you eat vegan food and you're like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
But you're like a black albino where somebody could be like, these fucking heebs, I'll tell you. And they're saying it to you. And you're like, you don't know that I'm one of them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
There's a fine line between a hobo and dirty Elmo. And they're pretty much the same thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I still love it. Right? Yeah, it's great. Talent is talent. We can separate.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, exactly. But Roethlisberger was doing who knows what, but he could still play. We know what. Yeah. Were you a Steelers fan? No.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Right, right. Well, it makes you wonder who's next. Like, is the Tom Hanks shoe going to drop? Bite your tongue. Tom Hanks thing is bullshit. Yeah, I'm just saying.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yes. Well, you want to believe it. It's juicy. You're like, oh, let's go. I don't want to believe it with Tom Hanks. Me neither. I'm not saying I want to either, but I'm saying people enjoy that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
People have schadenfreude. I'm telling you. Like, when Ellen gets popped for being a c***, everybody's like, woo-wee. And I'm like, well, she was never a c*** to you. But they love it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Feimster! I got you a drink right there if you want.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
It's funny, we talked about Dolly Parton and a lesbian shows up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Is that either one of you guys? No. No. I don't eat potatoes. Just give me a handjob.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I didn't know you sang. Are you a talented singer?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Oh, are you guys going to make out or scissor?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I wish I'd never seen this. You with the do-rag, the wife-beater.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
The Jew is supposed to manage the boy band. Not be in it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, she's great. I watched the whole documentary on her. She slept in her car. Her story is amazing. Incredible story.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Same. My mom would be like, you have to save this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Did you watch her special? I did. I watched it, too. It was funny, but there was too much applause.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
from that spot was so good for me it's progress that she was fired for being a lesbian and then she got fired no one cared about the lesbian thing and then she got fired for being mean that's progress you don't care if you're gay just don't be a dick she's a cunt you are what you eat I had to get that out I guess we're not cunts Mark
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That just sucks. Yeah, that's true. Not even a hooker, nothing. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
It broke. I mean, Joe Coy and Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero and you guys. I mean, Sarah Colonna, Heather McDonald.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Oh, that's fun. Which was fun. That's a fun line.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Pull it up. Yeah, that is still on the internet. Chewy. Yeah, he was in- This guy's got a real Forrest Gump-like life.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I'll find it. He's not just on a... I would do Chewie Bravo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Wait, I cut you. What were you going to say about Chewie?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
But here's the annoying question that I got to bring up because I'm a cunt. This is still funny. The rickshaw thing is funny. What do we do now? Because you can't have this on TV, but we still find it funny. Like Chelsea is still this person, but I know she can't be that person in the public eye. So what do you do now to be funny? Do you just go on the internet?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, because the audience is still like this kind of humor, but you can't do it on TV anymore. So now what?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
But if that's the case, can we stop going, hey, this is immoral. This is inappropriate. You're like, well, if it's going to come back anyways, why waste the time of yelling at everybody?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Germany. Germany's weird. At least it's one figure, not nine. You're the best. All right. But yeah, but wow, that's, the Germans are fucked.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
You got to be you. Yeah. Damn, that is tough. But I opened for all those people. So selfishly, I loved it because I got to do a full room at Gotham with Sarah Colon. Same. I opened for her once too. Yeah. Nice lady. Great. I hit on her. Did you?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I hit on everybody in the early 2000s. Yeah, I saw her and she was like, not you again. I was like, I'm not Mark Norman. I was like, Judy Gold, what's up?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
You know, 50-50. Okay, I'll shoot you a shot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Well, I think with ladies, it would really depend, because I'm not a hot guy, so it would depend on the set. If I killed, it was a lot easier to hook up. What about with guys? Yeah, you did say with ladies. Oh, well, with guys, they'll just beat me in a bathroom. Guys are easy. You ladies are the ones putting all the roadblocks up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. Exactly, exactly. So much work. But guys, yeah, my friend is gay, and he's on the, what is it, the Sniffler? Oh, what's that? Sniffies.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
This is quicker than Grindr. It's banging in the bathroom? Meet me in this bathroom or this bar in five minutes, and that's it. Wow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
But what a. But that's, man, if you leave men to their own devices, you get a cum dump app.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
And what if you propose? You slide a ring on that dirty index?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I don't want to be a party pooper, but I think the lesbian divorce rate is through the roof. Right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Well, Wilson Vince sees me eating an apple. He's like, oh, that's fucking gay. I know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. And you have stuff to talk. What'd you do?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Don't sell toilet seats. Sell toilet paper. There you go. You want to keep the toilet seats last 20 years. Toilet paper. Not the way I use them. Well, you don't say. It's the same with lesbians.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Wow. You fell in. Yeah, I went right through.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Jesus Christ. Damn. Your shit goes out like... It takes like 30 seconds.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
How about you try to be sexy and you can't find the straw? That whole thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Damn, it's like my grandpa with the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, the drug thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's really fun. That is funny. That's a great friend.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I haven't either. I haven't tried to be sexy, period.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Your kid's like, cocksucker, motherfucker. The worst part, though, is your kids learn to do this with a fat guy. They see some dude on the subway and they're like, no candy. What the hell? The fat guy's like, what the hell, man? I'm obese. It's like you're ruining my day.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
No. What are you kidding? No way. This voice already. The whole thing. Me dirty talking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
And my wife likes it, too. And I'm like, ah, don't make me do this. She's like, be mean to me. And I'm like, yeah, you retard. That's your dirty talk? I don't want to be called a retard, I guess. So I thought, yeah, you fucking idiot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I know. And I love that he's so successful because people, they've caught it. They get what he's doing, which is so refreshing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
No, no, he's great. And he's so prolific. It's insane. You mean the amount of- Yeah, it just pumps it out. Like a thing will happen to him and he's got like an eight minute story on it and it's killer. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
And by the way, clean doesn't just mean cursing. It means there's no racial, there's no sexual innuendo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Finish the drink, champ. I only need a streetlight and shit red, green, and yellow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I saw him at Radio City. He had a punchline. He went, golly. And I was on the floor. That was the punchline. But he makes it. He's so good at making it funny. It's really great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Oh, I did the coach. Yeah, that's a different guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
They really do. They know you're like, this is where they should laugh. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
And they know if you do a darker joke, they're like, he's not a bad guy. But if it's a new audience and you do a dark joke, they're like. Bad guy. And you're like, no, no, I'm just saying. But they don't know you yet. So you have to like earn that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
He's underrated as a funny guy. So underrated. I was a huge fan as a kid because he was on TV more.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. No doubt. You're still in LA. Mm-hmm. How's that going? It's good. Can you get up when you want to work on shit?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
We like to think we put it on the map. This thing was slept on, this cocktail.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Sam with a job? I can't believe it. I had no idea you ever worked.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Are you kidding? Yeah. I moved furniture. I was a busboy. I worked on a gopher on a construction site. I did data entry. I did temping.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Oh, I'd like to see it. Just for that one scene. Very realistic.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I don't know. I was a janitor. Yeah. P. Diddy. I did cleanup.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That looks like me when I'm hungover. You guys have any peeves? I got one. What do you got? I was in a restaurant the other night with the wife. We're having a nice romantic dinner. She's pregnant, so I'm trying to really... Oh, I didn't know that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Seven months. That's exciting. Thank you. It's not mine. Ha! Maury? You don't know me. All right, so we go to this nice dinner, and all the tables are taken. I forgot to make a res. And I go, we'll sit at the bar. So we sit at the bar, we're eating at the bar, and we're chit-chatting. And the bartender walks over this nice lady. She goes, I was eavesdropping.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I got to say this, this, this, and this. And I'm like... what is that? You're just listening to our conversation. Oh, yeah, that's weird. You're spying on us, and then you try to make it a cute thing, like, oh, I was eavesdropping, I can answer that question, and I'm like, well, what else did you hear? You know, the N-word, who knows what?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Of course. Same. Yeah. Or Epstein's plane, by the way. Yep.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I don't know what that's about. I used to be a waiter. And I can answer that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
But it's just because either they're short-staffed and they can't handle that many tables. Okay. Or there's sections.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
So this girl's got six tables. I've got five. But you see four empty and people are like, what the hell? And you're like, if I take that table, it'll take me an hour to get to you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I'd go on a private jet to an island. Hell yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Will and Harper. It's incredible. It's really good. It was so good. Is that a wreck? That's a wreck, baby.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. Do you get the oil? Maybe they leave the oil in.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That would be funny if they came up and they're like, we don't hate her. We're more mad about Blades of Glory. Yeah. Semi-pro sucked, but damn, that's crazy. It's very funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
It's a lot of misses in that one. Saw him on the street about a month ago on Bleecker Street, and he was full jogging. He had the jogging shorts, the sneakers on, the tank top, and he was just getting astride. I went, Will! And he went... And that was it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
It's a party favor. Well, here's my thing with the Diddy shit. I got the hallway fist fight with the girl. We got that on video. Everything else is hearsay, speculation, J-Lo and Leonardo and Bieber. I'm like, give me something concrete.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I saw Anchorman in college with friends at the theater. It blew our faces off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yes. What was yours? I don't want to cut you off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I saw American Pie, which is not the funniest movie of all time, but I saw it in a black theater and it was insane. It was like the commentary was killing more than the movie and we were all in for it. You know, like when they showed the pie that was all mangled from fucking it and some black guy yelled, damn, he tore that shit up. And I mean, popcorn flew in the air. Everybody was dying.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's a million dollar idea right there. That's brilliant.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. It's similar to comedy. It's a big reaction from the audience. You're on the edge of your seat. I saw Borat in the theater, and when he ran through naked with the fat guy, oh, man, the place went nuts. Yeah. Maybe it'll come back. I don't know. And then you talked about the movie. Remember, after something about Mary was like, you see something about Mary?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
How about this scene and that scene when they zipped it up? And, oh, that was crazy. And then Brett Favre showed up at the end.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Go back to the old ways where the husband would beat the wife. That was a movie. Oh, we all miss those. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, there you go. He's a UPS driver, and he's bagging this hot Italian broad. There's no percent chance that that's happening. Damn, RIP Jerry Stiller. Come on. RIP Aaliyah Ramini's Scientology career. Ramini. Ramini. Oh, sorry. Ramini.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Is there any other kind? It's greasy and it's dirty. They go both ways. Yeah. All right. I think we got to wrap this thing up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
You got that right. Thank you very much. Mamacita. It's all over the road.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, and Four Stories is a special. I'm going back to the clubs as well to polish this hour. Houston Improv, Dallas Improv, Phoenix Stand-Up Live. Then we're doing the Ryman. That's in Nashville. Great theater. Yeah, I'm excited about that one. One of the best in the world. Hopefully we can sell that out. Then the baby's coming, so I'm taking off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I'll probably take like two months. Okay. Really get to know that drug rat.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
You're a lesbian with the U-Haul. That's right. You're back in the bus. Jew-Haul. Hey. On that note.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Mark's like, let me get this one in. I had to get that Jewel joke in.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's the type of friend. It's not going to help. It's like voting for Trump in New York. New York's going to go blue. But that doesn't help. He's still going to jail.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Oh, we are rolling. Hey, we might be drunk. Sam's making a drink. Should we do paper planes maybe? Yeah, sure. I didn't want to put you to work here. Can we get a... And hand me that seltzer. Were you there, Matty? What's in here? That's yours. Just a seltzer.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Oh, okay. Interesting. Japan's 30 years behind. They still like baseball. I'm a huge baseball fan. I'm just joking. Well, the Yankee, the World Series over there, they watched it a million times more than we did.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
And how many watched it here? Oh, I think it said 14. So actually, that's not a giant jump.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. Those are huge... With the skates on, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I saw UFC Live, and I didn't love that because we had good seats. It was me and Theo. We went to some fight. He knew Poirier. They're like old friends or something. So I was like, you kind of see their feet and their thighs moving, but you can't really get a good grasp. You're behind that cage. I didn't love it. I'd rather watch it at home.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, yeah. It's like you're watching somebody fuck in their apartment. Wait, don't go behind the pillow. Like rear window. Yeah, yeah. Did someone just get murdered? Right, right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yes, yes, exactly. So you're kind of looking up and you miss a lot and then they go to the other side of the cage and you're like, oh, what's happening over there? It's not great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That is a crazy look. Well, that was back when celebrities met something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
If you had a picture with Michael Jordan. I thought autographs back then meant way more.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Both attractive, too, if you really get down to the- That's my guy right there, Jim Rice. There he is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Oh, I thought it was a Vietnam football. Golly.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I'm just worried about your back. Yeah, you looked uncomfortable.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
All right, well, you can sit however you want to sit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
You're good. You're good. What do you want of that? I don't know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
There's ugly ones, too. It's some young ugly, but it's all bad. But that's part of the fun.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
White, black, Hispanic. One of them smashes a can with her boobs. I think she must have retired by now. That was like 10 years ago. That's true. If she's still there, that is kind of sad. Yeah, she's working the punchline.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
The punchline. Yeah, you got to go before you turn 40.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Oh, hey, you fooled me. Look at that. See, they're fun. They're having a good time, these ladies. That's her, Blondie. Shout out Bonnie. Oh, yeah. She's the coolest.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I look fat sitting forward. You're not fooling anybody. Come on. All right. What are we doing? What are we doing? Jesus Christ. I didn't mean it like that. I just mean, come on. Hey, we got Miss Patton out here. That's a hot photo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah. Wow. Hallelujah. I'd like to watch him swing on something. That's 50 cent if you went another way right there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
How many kids do you have now? Four. Oh, wow. Same as last time, apparently. Wow, I didn't know one died. What the fuck? Wow, it's a dangerous world out there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah. Somebody call Mateo. Get Mateo on the phone. He will confirm this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
He doesn't do it. Who is Mateo? He's our gay consultant.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Why don't we call the daughter? Huh? Well, your daughter can tell us some lesbian info.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
See you later. Constellations, when they come together, is the Big Dipper or Orion's Belt.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
We got one on the way. Wife's pregnant. Congratulations. Put that in your pipe and queef on it. Very exciting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Ashley. It's how black she is. That's a dark lady.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Only if it's the wrong person. Yeah. But. But I got to tell you, she was on the IUD, got that puppy removed, pregnant a week later. So I got some real super sperm here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I'm on black Twitter. You're not on black Twitter. You know who eats the cat is the Haitians. You gotta find this clip of this white guy. I think he's
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I think it's O-N. No S. But I could be wrong. Black people add an S to things. Have you noticed that? They what? You guys add an S. No, this isn't it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I guess that's about it. Valentine's Day. Yeah. That's an M. Groundhog's Day. I'll point out some more when I think of them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Oh, I loved it. But in that pee hole? It pricks you on you a little bit. Pricks the pee hole. That's true. It's not fun. You know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
You see? Sometimes you take the S away. You go, I'm going to sleep. Whereas a white guy would say, I'm going to sleep. You guys take out the two. Or you stay here. You stay at this house. White guy will say, I'm staying at this house. That's just... Slang?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah, I mean, I grew up in a black neighborhood, went to public school, try to treat everyone equally.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I went to private school. There were black kids there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
You'd be surprised. Somebody shot some ragu all in you. Make those kids goo. Jew. There we go. We're both chopped up, circumcised. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
so they gave us but took away that's crazy yeah so we like we love we love pushing the envelope like that on the me it's also a different you're insulting a different group also japanese and chinese yeah well they're all chinese it always feels like a lateral move you know right like from like homeless to unhoused is especially i completely very lateral colored people people of color what's really the difference there
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Well, I'm just saying it's just to change the order. Well, we don't call ourselves colors of people either. People of colors either. I don't say that anyway.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Well, you said chopped up. Yeah, we're just having small talk now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Well, that's body shaming. What about all the anteaters out there watching?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
What'd you say? There we go. Cash lap. Well, when I was a kid, we'd say rice rocket for a fast Asian car. Like, it's a nice rice rocket. But we liked them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Like a fast Honda, Toyota, you know, like a hot rod.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
What else was out there? Bulldyke, you said. I recently heard coal burner.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Whoa, that's heavy. Yeah. You asked what racist that I knew, so. We'd say Oreo if a black guy, wait, black guy acted white. Remember Oreo? He's white on the inside. That was around. Then you get reverse Oreo. Yeah. The white guy who acted black. Right. Yeah, did the white slaves need their own N-word? Did you give them something?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
i could use the blink but my buddy got circumcised at 33 because it was getting all i don't think so who is it this guy raj indian guy damn yeah he was indian huh i don't know about that but most indians don't names in here you
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
This is the bathroom. True. That's fair. Where else are you going to do it? On her face? The toilet's appropriate.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
yeah some people like it in the face oh really yeah yeah like the cake fart videos ever seen those pull them up those are weird no i don't do shit like that i won the one that's kind of i've heard a couple what do you have mark you have better peeves uh oh shit i just had one and i lost it the cake fart threw me off sorry about that no no no see what i got i feel bad because i don't feel like i prepped anybody on the i realized i don't like sweaty people
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
No, but he did it later in life just because of the hygiene. Yeah, it was getting all mushy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Well, he is now. Oh! He opened the door on him. What a dick. He came in the bottom. You got to go out the bottom.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Wow. He's lucky he didn't roll up on... Him shaming him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
You got to clean out the garage every now and then.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Oh, yeah. He couldn't bang for two months, but he's ugly anyway. Two months is pretty bad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
She's got to go to the bathroom stall, the rando, at LaGuardia.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Touch of the tism. Man, that is quite a rock you got on you, sister. Look at that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Wow, he's got to give his mom pills. He's like a little Pez dispenser.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Hey, look at old Prego there. He's coming back on soon. That's right. That's right. We'll get the kid in there and get him right in my mouth.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
All right. You turned and looked at me. All right. We're making progress.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Trying to get away with that N-word. He does not have autism.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Well, it's a good catch-all. If I do something fucked up, I go, autism, you know? Then I save.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
No. Say something fucked up. I'm autistic. Don't rape me. They're like, oh, easy target. Who went to jail? Oh, yeah, Pete Diddy went to jail.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
What if we got you some of those beads to lean on?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Oh, yeah. I think if you go over state lines or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Might be assault or misconduct. I don't know about rage.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah, if only he didn't commit all those crimes. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Ah, big knobs. What are you working with, a G? Double G?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Would I buy it? Hell yeah. R. Kelly already put one out, actually.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I just tried to put a button on that somehow. You guys see the Olympics? Yeah, we saw the Olympics. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah, you got that right, sister. It's not easy. You want to lay back? You want to sit back?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Whatever's the funniest, go with that. Right, exactly. That's great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I'm going to watch that very soon. That's exciting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Hey, I'm all over the road. Hey, you ever been to Bulldogs, by the way, in Atlanta? I think he's gay, yeah. Oh, that's a great question.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Tune into the end, folks. And I think you just outed your brother in public. I don't know if that was out there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
All right. He's at Bulldogs. He's out and loving every minute of it. Hey, I'm in Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland as well, and Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater, Poughkeepsie, Torrington, Connecticut, Charleston, Asheville, NOLA. Wilkes-Barre, and Inglewood. Thanks, guys. Get some Bodega Cat. Thank you. Bodega Cat Whiskey, folks.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Thank you, guys. We might be drunk. Miss Pat. Rosebud. Check them out on the road. We'll see you all in hell. Watch their stuff. Bye. Bye.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
It's too bad dicks don't do that. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to gain weight and you gain dick? Yeah. But if you lose weight, you lose dick.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Lean back. I'm worried about you. What, are you worried about your posture here? You've been church-pewing it all night.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
But I think it's because you're banging up against it, but your belly is hitting before the dick. See what I'm saying? Or can you rest the gut on the back? Like a shelf.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Okay. Men gain one inch of penis length for every 30, 50 pounds they lose. Wow, who wrote that, huh?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Oh, sorry. You're not a head turner. Yeah, no, I didn't know which one of those. There we go. I'm talking to you. Am I a small man? You the same as you always been. I haven't gained a pound since high school. So yeah, my dick is still three inches, if that's what you're asking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
But they say that women only feel the first two and a half inches into the vaginal canal.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I definitely won't go doggy. We're going full missionary. That way I don't have any ass to penetrate.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
you know the traditional you are me man on top we can reenact it no we the fuck we cannot it's good photo op though that would be nice thumbnail for the episode i wouldn't mind getting a face full of h's no that's okay all right all right and then i can do no little curly hair white boy
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I'm hot. We'll get you a jacket. You want a blanket? No, I don't want a blanket. It's going to make me look bigger. You want a drink? Should we do a drink? What are we doing? We got her a Diet Coke. She's off the sauce. She's pregnant. Oh, really?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah, any tips on child rearing? Child rearing. You know, raising kids.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah. Yeah. Hey, four kids, one new kid. Yeah. Baby on the way. Baron.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Oh, sorry. I just assume you guys are all related.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
You mean that? Clicking? What are you talking about?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Hopefully one of your tits didn't hit the scale. You're gonna miss way. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm just saying if you're weighing out the crack, I assume you were dealing crack.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
All right, Yamanika, take it easy. No, the fuck you did.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I'm a big light-skinned bitch. All right. It's good to see you again. Did you C-sect?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Oh, so your body's intact. You got the tits and the clam.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Really? A lightweight, huh? I wish I was lightweight. Are you drinking or are we going? I'll have one. If you want to do one, I'll have one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
That guy from the sitcom saying that shit is crazy. To watch a man collapse, though, is kind of beautiful on stage.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Put him in a place that no one lives and nobody goes. CISO put us in Covina. That is too inside. Yeah, that's very inside baseball. That's inside LA and inside baseball.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
They devour the content. It's like you can't fill that hole.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I think longer, like these guys, Josh Johnson types are doing like 25 minutes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I did a self tape and it says in the notes, don't try to be funny. Yeah. Which is the hardest note. Not saying we can't not be funny, but you're like, well, how do I do it? Do I do it straight? Do I do it? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Exactly. Is that bad? It was just nobody goes down here. Tim Dillon said this is the fifth time he's been downtown Los Angeles and he's lived here for years. Well, no, he comes for different reasons.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I know. And it was Josh Radninsky, though. You remember him? He got Young Larry. Oh, yeah. John Radninsky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
He was good. He's a good actor. Should have been you, man. Then he dated his daughter. Zing! Oh, yeah. They just broke up. Sorry, Josh. John. John. Josh is even better. Sorry, Josh. Sorry, Josh. He looks like a Josh. He's Jewish.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Maybe I'll take a hawk to a quiz. She just found out she was 97% Ashkenaz. Seriously? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
That Huck duo is phlegm after all. All right. Okay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
And there's a swing back. Now baseball cards are huge again.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I tweeted about the show. Like, come to the Netflix table. And everybody's like, downtown? Are you crazy?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Take nine hours. I see it just trekking along. It's so slow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Yeah. And also, you just want to push it over. It's probably like a chicken parm in there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Four floors of horrors. Brownstone and BK, baby. You're in Brooklyn? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I was right in Greenwich Village, but I wanted the room. I got a backyard now. I got a parking space. Upgrade, upgrade, upgrade. The kids are trick-or-treating on my block. I mean, it's a cheat code. I'm in New York, but I'm not.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
We'll all be living in a studio apartment together in the East Village in a couple of years. Can't wait. We'll be sharing. Those are some good years. You know, fucking a fat chick on air matches while your friend waits in the bathroom.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Not a wink because you know you have to sleep. It's like getting a boner when you need one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Let's hear it. How's the club? Hey, hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Shopify. If you're ready to start that new business in 2025, you need Shopify. It's amazing. Get your store up and running with thousands of customizable templates, no coding or design skills required.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Because I'm like falling through this thing. Oh, yeah, you got no back. Hold on. You're going to pull an Eric Clapton's kid right out the window. Tears in heaven?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Hey, folks, we might be drunk as a bunch by Chubbies. Did you get another stupid novelty mug instead of the Chubbies clothing you really wanted this Christmas? We've all been there. Fulfill your own wish list and treat yourself to Chubbies. Start with their everywhere pants. I'm wearing them right now. I have them at home. I love them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
They're great, designed for every occasion, whether you're headed into the office or just kicking around on the weekends. I wear Chubbies all the time. That jacket is Chubbies. I don't know where the hell I put it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
There's the mothership and then there's the I never had a fathership. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
The store is pretty great. I mean, you go in there, you get free weed, you get free snacks, and there's a massage table. That's so LA.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
New York would never have a massage table at the fucking... That was the most LA shit I've ever seen.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Got to suck that liquid. How about this? We're growing up. You came here at 11 a.m. I wouldn't do anything at 11 a.m. four years ago.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
It made him bet he's got a 30-minute chunk on it, and it's insane.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Damn, I wish I was there. He's still the best. You see Rock's SNL was pretty great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
You're farting in a hotel? In a hotel? Who does that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
You wear pajamas at the airport? Aren't you embarrassed?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I was like, man, I want to go get coffee in a scone. Good to move out of the way because you get the nuts in the face. You start falling down.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
No, mine are down to the floor. I got the long bag. You got a long bag. It's bad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Well, you see Zuckerberg. He's wearing flip-flops and board shorts because he's like, I'm so rich. I'm good. He doesn't need the attention. Exactly.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
So did I. They're all going to laugh at you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
no that sounds bad no no hold on hold on let me sit with that for a second no white no white kid like you're not white but no like goy or gentile yeah he's white we didn't know about hanukkah that song put hanukkah on the map i didn't know anything about i'm from louisiana louisiana yeah they're not and jews aren't allowed down there that's true that's true welcome no jews welcome everybody but jews no i grew up in chicago we we we had a lot of jews jews was
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
It's brutal. A little wag, like a chop tail. It is nice that your body's like, hey, we're going to protect your dick in this time of trauma. Dude, your balls go way up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
And a list of all the Jews, and you're like, Paul Dune's half? Hey, all right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
You gotta fight for your right to Kvetch. Okay. That was a long way to go.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
It's kind of like when your kid gets molested and he blocks it out. Repressed memory.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I agree. I don't like what they bring. Like that's not even, she's an afterthought now. So imagine you just had her and now it's all over.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
No, I don't think so. I had a lot of intruders in the house.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
At least Theo, he's got some cocaine jokes with Trump. That was fun. That was super fun. At least he kept it funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
How about that Shalamu on Theo, huh? That's quite a get. What happened? He got Timothee Shalamu. Oh, yeah. Tim Shalamy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I think there was a guy at my house once and like walked by my bed and I pushed it out because I dream about that all the time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
That's your people. You and Mount Sinai. The Kaisers.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
The first one was a woman. First school shooting in America was a woman.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Yeah, exactly. She's the Jackie Robinson of shooting kids.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Isn't it weird when you get along with a woman? They're like, I don't want a woman president.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
No, no. I mean, anything you have to sign in for, like with a password, I just blank out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Whoa, because Canada, you go there, I'm on the road, they don't have Pandora.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
They're struggling too, these streamers. They're all shelling out money for this movie, that movie, then no one watches it. We are in downtown LA. Yeah, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Oh, that's good for New Orleans. That's huge.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Shows how cocky Gaffigan is. He's like, I'll go first. Fuck it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Not every day, but I'll get a little swampy, so I throw some real... Do you bring it on the road?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
It's bad. I'm bad. It's all Hunter Biden powder. It's real bad down here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I go back to the South for three days. I'm like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. It's so slow and hot. I get that. Well, that's the South-South, though.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Maybe I should go. Jeff Ross, it's a fun hang.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I'm putting Minneapolis in the top 10 comedy cities. No one talks about it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
He peed himself. I did that at an R. Kelly show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
All right. Well, hey, where are you? You got a special coming out?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Hell yeah. And check out Bad Friends, of course.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Always. Thank you, boys. Thank you, Andrew. Thank you, dude. Comedy. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Right now, I'm in Houston, Texas, then Phoenix, then Addison Improv in Dallas.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Great little run of the South. And then I'm going to Asheville to make up a date because of the hurricane. Asheville, North Carolina. Love that town. And then ending it all in the Ryman, baby.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
One of the best in Nashville. Can't wait. And then I'm going back to Europe and Australia at some point.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Yeah. Just one. Enough with the jizz stains.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
But yeah, get some better pillows. Hit up Mike Lindell, whatever his name is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I hate that. And it's never big. It's always like, oh, I'm getting divorced. Actually, that would actually be pretty exciting. But it's not big for us. Yeah, right. All right. We'll see you all in hell. See you later.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Yeah, during Katrina there were bodies floating. Wow. It's a voodoo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Andrew Jackson and Paul Perdomo and Emeril was in there, I think. Emeril Lagasse? He's gone? No, he's still around. He will be. Yeah. I mean, that cholesterol is coming.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Oh, that's good. There's nothing there. Wow. It's like a stable stripper. I don't like it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
It's a little amateur, but the hangover is better. For vodka? Yeah, clear is better.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
By the way, Chatty Hooker, they should have the Uber thing where they go, do you want a conversation or no? That should be a prereq.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I do the digital face at the airport now. It's pretty great. I couldn't give it up, dude. I know. I'm so lazy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I know. Don't get the idea. We had that last night.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
It's going to be good because you guys are in it. Thanks. We'll see. Yeah, no, it will be. It's got to be. It's not live. Is it live? Live crowd, taped, edited.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
So we had a rough bomb and I'm walking off stage and this black guy's with his wife and he goes, dude, dude, you're in a show, right? You're in a show. And I jokingly said, to catch a predator. He goes, that's it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
We had a similar thing. We walked in. The guy goes, it's going to be late. Like, you're going to be here a while.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I guess a guy whipped out a Nokia or something. I know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
like just net fishing good enough yeah it was like you got the job done like i didn't realize until i saw you i was like oh shit that's a comedian i knew you're a comedian i want to try to bark a comedian in right but i by the time i said i was like ah shit might as well stay committed to it like keenan's cut off Oh, shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I saw Alec Baldwin's back on the show now, which is, like, that's kind of cool.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
It really is. Do you still get tense? Because I heard Bill Hader once in an interview be like, I had to leave because it just made me insane. But the pressure every week is because, you know, Mark and I will hone a bit for like a year and a half. Yeah, 100 percent.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
No sleep. Watched a movie that I was telling you about it. This weird British movie, The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover. I'm just scrolling on Amazon and they got this movie and I'm like, oh, this looks weird. Never heard of it. Tim Roth, Michael Gambon and Helen Mirren. I look it up. It's got crazy good reviews. Wow. It was NC-17. Whoa. They threatened it with a rated X. Whoa.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
yeah that's all you can do anytime comedians start to like really try to dissect the middle east it's like dude go make it a dick joke do the joke yeah that's find it and and do that but i saw people even like i saw the bit and it was funny and i saw people commenting even on like like yeah homosexuality and it's like no he's not trying to really break down the middle east it's still a bit it's still a joke right
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
And look at that crowd. But it's funny. Larry's another funny one, because obviously we all know how...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
much of a genius he is but like sam wasn't douglas but yeah but snl wasn't like his breaking ground somebody's right it's a lot yeah but like same with sandler even sandler made the joke when he came back like you know norm's got one of the all-time great monologues i think look at little john higgins Oh, jeez.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Because it's crazy sexual. Yeah. It's weird as fuck. It looks gorgeous. Yeah. I mean, look at these colors. It's like Kubrick almost. Yeah. It's dark. It's crazy because there's like literally Helen Mirren's Bush in every other scene. And all you think about is the violence. So anyone who complains about the nudity is like a psycho. But it does open on a scene where I'm like, yeah, I'm shocked.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Sean Connery being... This was a weird part of Connery's career when he did, like, Finding Forrester.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, Michael Douglas. Oh, throat cancer. Man. Wow. Doing it the right way. That's top shelf. Getting that cancer the right way. He got the good stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Did anyone help you out? Were any of the vets there? Like, dude, just, like, be patient?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Like, they're not really appreciated. Like, it is crazy to look back and you're like, oh man, it was like Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig. Crazy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
This guy's a piece of shit in it. Whoa, man. It's pretty dark. I'm in. Yeah, it's pretty weird. And it opens with they're torturing a guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
dick out covering him in shit and you're like so i guess this is the bad guy who's torturing him you know whoa yeah like look at this stuff but it looks cool as hell yeah but yeah i mean i guess in america this is so classic america it's uh they they were like fuck this it's it's pornographic and then in england they were like this is a social satire they were mad because it was like making fun of
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Was that the most highly anticipated one when he came back and hosted, do you think?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
He's funny in Tropic Thunder. Oh, that's true. He killed that role.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Is it a thing of that era, maybe, if you're too A-list and considered almost too cool? It's almost too vulnerable? He comes from that era, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
He is the man. That's so funny. Your search history is going to be great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
And I don't think it ended on good terms with them, so she meant this. It never does.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, but that does get rough when you're, like, late 80s and you're not with someone. If you're Nicholson, settle down, like, late 60s, early 70s. Does he have kids? He's got kids. Oh, he does. But I don't think he's with anyone. Yeah. Yeah, his kid's in a new movie. He looks just like him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, what the hell am I doing trying to tell Nicholson how to live his life? I should shut the fuck up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Oh, interesting. They thought it was mocking the government. Wow. So I guess, yeah, it's layered and weird. Look, there's parts that aren't exactly for me, but...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
true he's got money in the bank you know anytime there's a new batman thing i think he gets he does he made the best deal in the business crazy what is he you got a merch deal when he was joker it was like what i don't know what the exact deal was but it was like yeah i think merch action figures all that shit incredible yeah the vhs sales 10 10 million up front mm-hmm
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Right? Is there any movies you've had to turn down because of SNL? That you're like, shit, I wish I did that, kind of?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Amazing. Oh, look at that. Ben Vereen. It's like everybody in that movie. Yeah, Ben Vereen. What do you do when you're off SNL? Do you have any things you're just like, you don't do anything or do you just chill or do you have hobbies or what?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
All right. I saw some interview with you where you said, and I could be getting this wrong, but a manager fucked you over when you were super young. An accountant. An accountant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Were you, when they took this money from you or when this guy took this money from you, I mean, what was your reaction? Were you just like, fuck this business, fuck everything? Or were you kind of like, eh?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Well, this is a 14-year-old. This is it. Some dicey stuff. Yeah. No, this is pretty wild. Her tits are underrated, by the way. Oh, she looks great. It's also weird because you see like a nude Helen Mirren and you're like, oh, that's just like a naked woman. Yes. But now it's like every part of the like, you know, Brazilian butt lift. Yeah, tattoos. Fake tits. Yeah. Six pack.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, there's police and shit in the world. He went back on tour in his, like, 70s. Yeah. The manager stole his retirement fund. Yikes. It's just crazy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
She just looks good naked. Pull her up. Big bush, too. Like, holy shit. That's how you can date a movie right there. Yeah. Like late 80s. That's true. Now it's like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, we've been out there for a while. Yeah, what do you get recognized? I mean, SNL is the main thing, but is there a movie you get recognized for the most? I feel like Good Burger's up there. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Jesus Christ. You just bang these out, you make all this money, and you probably get a whole year's worth done. My man, he does it in two weeks.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I love that we're praising her being a natural beauty. She must have done some shit, but- Probably, but- But she looks great. Great. It looks more natural.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Printing money. Yeah. When you did LeVar Ball, was that your idea to do right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
And it's Keith Lee. Shout out to Keith Lee, man. It's shameful that we all recognize these.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
It's so good. I used to have a bit about one of these. I had a bit about one of these guys, and I ran into one of the food guys, and he's like, you have a bit shitting on one of my friends. Oh. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
but i'm like but it's playfully shitting because i i do know it yes like i watch it you see this the the boom guys like we all know it's crazy that this is all like you think you have this for you algorithm but then it's just we all see this everybody the exact same shit the fact that these are popping up in my feet like it's real that is so funny
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
When you're doing these characters, are you able to do them? Do you have to find something you like about them to mock them? Are you able to do it if you don't actually like the person you're impersonating?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
There's a theory that sunlight keeps you up when you're trying to sleep?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Thank God I got a comedy corner. Oh, you got to do it. There's a lot of family corners, and I was like, I got List, I got Broussard, I got... Yeah, that's why... Who else was in my corner?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Come on. You got to make a choice, too. Yeah. It's like a caricature. You see some of these caricatures in the New Yorker or something, and you see someone's nose. Yeah. Yeah, but the guy had to make a choice.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
You were playing soccer and tackling kids. I was like, what the fuck is Mark doing? And I was like, I put it together.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Oh, Attell used to say all his sketches when he was a writer were like a guy walks into a room, there's a microphone, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, I mean, a lot of the best stand-ups, I think, from SNL were the Weekend Update guys, like Kevin Neelans, Norm MacDonald. Dennis Miller.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Heartbreaking. Yeah. Brooks was here. Yeah. When you're watching movies and stuff in your free time, is it comedy or do you shift to drama?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
In the moment, did you think, like, we're making a mistake by firing him in that moment? No.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
No, no, but that's- But then they come up with a kiss afterwards. You're like, damn it, I deserve this. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I've talked about it before, but there was a list on CNN of people who have been canceled this year. And it was Weinstein, Cosby, and Shane.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
How is he on the same level as those guys? Pretty unfair, yeah. Wow. Shane's not nearly as funny as Cosby. Come on. Shane is great. No, it was really unfair what they did to him. Yeah, that was ugly.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
yeah and and the fact that it seemed like he and bowen yang squashed the beef yeah that's what i'm saying like if there was even any beef i don't even know if there was right go bay beef you know but yeah no that was a cool moment and i mean that's a stand-up who crushed on it too but shane is definitely like not your traditional stand-up and he had he'd made those sketches that
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Do you have an all time favorite host when you've been there?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah. Yeah, no, it is funny to overhear them because you're like, yeah, you know just as little as we do. Yeah, yeah, it's like- The swirl. Yeah, okay. The fuck's a swirl? I mean, maybe, I'm sure it feels good, but it's not like- I guess. Guess what? Although, have you ever gotten a really bad blowjob? Yes. It's shocking. It's like you fucking – you got your mouth on my dick and this is bad?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah. That's real, like, I'm an actor shit. What was the most uncomfortable episode with the host you had?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
full career derail oh damn yeah it is crazy because when you go out there like mark and i used to joke about this you know you have a bad late night set when we were starting out you know yeah like another show tomorrow it's all right no one not enough people watch this shit anymore but people still really watch oh yeah and that went around I guess if you really fail.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Mark Maron used to always say like, if I have a killer special, no one gives a shit. If I pee my pants up here, it's going viral.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Mm-hmm. Damn. Has she hosted while you've been there, Streep?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I know what you mean, dude. Like, the bad blowjob is, it is a shocker.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
boy imagine getting double teamed by those by uh short and martin that's not not too shabby just ribbing each other the whole time yeah strangers in the pussy um we gotta ask you because you've been famous for a long time any any diddy party invites i've never been invited to the diddy parties man there you go i always felt some sort of way about that shit i'm just kidding
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
You're like, no, come on. That's what the dick responds to, freezing cold temperatures.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah. At least the Diddy's parties, these, you know, victims might've got to meet Jay-Z or something. This is, this is way worse.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
You got Nancy Cartwright from The Simpsons? Is that Marge or Lisa? Which one is that? Doug E. Fresh. That's Bart? That's Bart.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
L. Ron Hobart. He's just a dude. I know. I guess you could say the same thing about Jesus, but he's not really.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I was with you until you said white basketball in the 50s. That wasn't exactly peak basketball.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Exactly. But also, the weird thing is you're doing stand-up first. Yeah. Like, we're doing the road. We get a little warm-up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
And also that it's live. The fact that we've been there, too. Someone had a live audience, like, knowing they're being taped. Yeah. Like we're the taping. We do those shows sometimes where you're like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Dude, I love, yeah, I love when you get a bad one, you're like, how is this fucking possible? I know, it's crazy. But it's happened. It's happened. But then sometimes you get someone who's so good that you're just like, where the fuck have you been studying? I know. Where did you pick up this level? Sometimes you want to assume it's just a gift. Yes. But you're like, 247. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, man. What an awful note to send the show on if you don't crush that monologue. Because that's your fastball.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Is it ever a fight with, you know, I don't know if it's S&P or whatever, but is it ever a fight, you know, whether it be like Louis or Burr or Shane, any of these, Chappelle, when they do the monologue, is there ever pushback where they're like, you got to let me say this line?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Well, we don't want to keep you because we know you got to pick up your kid. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Just give me two or three takes to get it right. Yeah, dude, we're excited. I mean, hopefully you're on SNL as long as you can do it, man. You're crushing. Thank you, man. Hell yeah. I wish you were my dad. It's good times. Ah, great up with Kenan. Catch us on the road. I'll be at Hilarity's November 21st through 23rd in Cleveland. Then I got a big bus tour starting in February.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
So we got Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, Washington, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, Memphis. Memphis could use a fucking bump. Jesus Christ, Memphis, help me out. Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta. I could go on forever, but it's samorell.com slash shows. Yeah, you guys see it there. It's going on the West Coast. I'm all over. I'm probably coming to your city.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
So just go to the website, punchup.live slash samorell or samorell.com slash shows. Buy tickets from those places. Don't hit us up like tickets are $150. Not through our sites, they're not. Mark, where are you going to be, bud?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
peripheral yes sit down we got you right here yeah this is winnie blind yes one eye i think she's pretty blind oh yeah you want coffee alcohol we get whatever you want let us know
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
It was like a street dog. He's a street dog from probably not a good part of L.A. Classic South Central.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I know, right? Is this crazy? Like, do you have the week off and then you're back on next week? Seeing my teacher at the mall. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
So you're off this week, but you're back on next week, or what? Yes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
It's funny that you block out your thoughts with pods. You're blocking your thoughts out with other people's thoughts. Oh, completely. Yeah, but usually I would do something even more escapist, like a movie or something. Yeah. I can't do pods, unless it's certain pods.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
He did Night Shift back in the day. He did all the ladies' comedies, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, he's a solid... I did Mikey Day's Is It Cake show, and I was like, I don't think they aired any jokes. It was a family show. He was awesome, though.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
That's what you call arcing. Oh, yeah. That's cool. You've been on it for so long. Who was considered the worst host? Wasn't Paris Hilton trash for it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
That's even more annoying. I know. Because you want to flick her ear, and you're like, oh, you're up too? You don't want to be alone. I know those moments. Yeah. I'm the last one to sleep always, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah. Damn, that's awesome. I met you when I was handing out flyers once on the street in Times Square. No way. It must have been like 18 years ago or something. And you were one of the only people to stop and be nice to me. See there? Thank you, man. And I was like, that's a good... I think I was like, comedy show tonight. And I was like, you should come by. And you were like... Maybe I will.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
But that's actually better than when you'd have to do it in a non-busy section.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
You just want the distraction of a lot of people as opposed to just another block of person to block away.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Yeah. But now I did it through clear and you can just do it at the airport.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
You waited it out. I waited it out, but it took like years.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Yeah, it gets better every day. But the first three months are so brutal. And they always make it like it's so hard, but it's harder than you think it is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Yeah. And then you're by yourself a lot, I feel like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Because we switch off. So we're never in the same room together.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
It's worse than bombing. Because it's like, it actually hurts your feelings.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Like I would start taking it personally as if like maybe there's something deep down inside he knows about me. Right. Like he's rejecting me right now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I love this fucking thing. It's a game changer.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
and he jogs over jogs he crawls over and stuff now you can get him to laugh which feels good he laughs real hard he smiles and then now he like goes to bed on me like he's like that stuff is that's nice and you feel like um yeah but i do there is a time where i felt like it felt like you're an emcee of a show that never ends that you constantly have to keep bringing the energy because you can't
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
be like rest your face like you have to be like excited you know what i mean right give him emotion emotion you're fuqua yeah you're already you're going long yeah yeah i'm dancing picking up the purse i'm trying to entertain him the whole time i'm trying to figure out what toys he likes it's just like it makes me want to smoke a cigarette every now and then
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
You keep pushing them out until they, it's a numbers game.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Well, like you separate from him and then you just look at photos of your friend and Do you know what I mean? I don't do that for any other friend, but then when I go to bed, I'm just looking at photos of my baby.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to be the party bummer.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Like Goodfellas and then Manchester by the Sea.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Even that one, I'm like, that one's cute. That's normal looking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's all right. That's unfair.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
But I always feel like our baby looks like an old banker.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
That one will cute out. See, I feel like our kid looks like that one next to the grown man baby.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I just feel like there's so many weirdos in that world that I just, even as an adult, there's weirdos.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I just like watch that Nickelodeon doc and you're like, they're just pedophiles all over. Like you hate being like such right wing talking point of like QAnon, but you're like, there are just too many weirdos out there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Yeah. I thought it was weird when Facebook started coming out. I would see my friend. She wasn't really in my circle of friends, but my graduating class was 900, but I knew her through soccer. And I saw her two boys just riding bikes around our neighborhood. And I was like, it's so weird that I know their name and they know nothing about me. But I could just be like, oh, blah, blah, blah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Get in the car. Your mom, Julie, said, yeah. I didn't think about that. Like, I know all this information about her. That's why I was like, I just think that's weird when you put your kids. You put so much information.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
What your dad masturbates to because I listen to all of his podcasts. Right, right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
That's going to be a real... We have talked about that, like, soccer games, and they're like... Yeah, we've heard Joe's podcast.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Well, I attempted a job years ago at this financial firm. It was really nice. And this guy was like... Hey, I heard you on Ari's podcast and I was so mortified that this guy that I was like this business that was proper that heard me on that podcast. But if he listens to Ari's podcast, he's probably okay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Totally. But at the same time, you're like, I don't want to discuss what I talked about. Yeah. On the podcast.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Well, we had that one. My sister was like, I bought tickets for Joe's show and bring mom with, and we had to put a kibosh on that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Because I was like, you can't hear Joe be like, come on your mom's tits.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
She's not going to get it. And also she's like... She doesn't even get what I... I think she thinks I'm a sex worker.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I dropped the C word around people that weren't comics thinking. Yeah. You know, I just throw it out willy-nilly and they were, like, offended. Oh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
It is. Like, they made me feel bad. Yeah. I was just like, but it's not that big of a deal. I was just kind of like, can we just pretend I'm in England?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Right. This is the oldest sounding you've ever been. Who knows what these kids are doing out there? Jive turkey.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
So silly that it's not so offensive, but I remember like Two Life Crew. Oh, filthy. Their songs would be like, bitch thought I was coming in her mouth, but I was just peeing where I feel like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Dude, disrespectful. But like, how do you hang out with your girlfriend's parents after you have that lyric? But I'm sure that's not their concern.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
It's public. I get annoyed when I have family members or people in my life tell me that where I'm like, you could just keep that to yourself.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I was going to piss in her mouth. Imagine farting on Yamanika.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
It's so funny, there's people that actually cannot stand farting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
It's just like your poo particles everywhere. Yeah, I was naked too. Well, and...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Or it's like the people that drive around looking for a parking spot. So they spend like 30 minutes when you could just park in the back and then five minutes to walk.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I think that there's a slight anxiety with something like that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Yeah. I'm not going to leave you. I just always feel like there's nothing important inside for me. You get a soda.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I get that way with entering a show, going on stage. I feel like I have to be close to the stage. I don't know what. I'm not one of those people that's still getting out of their car while being introduced. I can't.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I've got to be in on it, but I guess that's the butt.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
It takes forever to get off the cruise and then to get back on again.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Well, I don't know if it's much of a peeve, but we were just talking about like, you know in New York when hotels have pools and they act like it's great, and then you're like, it's just a strip of water, and I'm only allowed to be in here for 15 minutes and pay $100? It's like, have you guys been to other pools? I just don't even offer it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I like to swim around and thrash. Right. I'm not the sexy girl at the pool. I'm not in a fancy or like a vanity bathing suit. Like I'm in my Speedo wanting to bounce the ball around. Do you know what I mean?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
It is. Because that used to be my hangover cure. And it has to be cold water. It's got to be cold water.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Yeah. But yeah, I hate a place that passes off something that's supposed to be cool.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
No, my friend also showed me one in Midtown. She's like, I was thinking maybe this could be fun. And then we were just talking about like logistically, probably not.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I like to go to Astoria pool, but they've made it so many rules. Like, you have to have a lining in your bathing suit. You have to take a shower.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
No, but you have to take a quick shower. You're not allowed to bring your camera. You can't bring a towel.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
But then when you do go, you're like, I kind of understand why there are rules. Because even with that amount of rules, it's still chaos.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
There's certain accounts I watch where I'm like, they're working. They put their workout videos all the time. I'm like, it's been five years and I have not seen results.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Wait, there's a lot of those guys that are like really into biohacking. And I look at them like, you look so gross.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
oh really like that one guy who's um harvesting his son's blood what do you know that one he's like yeah he takes um transfusion of his young son's blood and interjects it into or injects it into hey that's not bad wow he looks like right back at the kid now he looks like a a vampire pull him up biohack i think that is the guy
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I don't know. But it just seems like some wild billionaire. Like 30 Rock story.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Also, I can't imagine dating someone like that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I hanged to go eat a rotisserie chicken to get protein.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I did too, but to be like, sorry guys, I gotta eat my chicken.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Yeah, they want that. It's free promo. It's Instagrammable.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I don't know why you guys get that. In the girls' restroom, we're not peeing openly next to each other.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Also, it's really funny. I always think when we don't sit together, if the plane crashes, that I can't be like, can I sit next to my husband while we die? I would just yell. You have to sit separately while we're dying.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I don't know why it's different for you guys. Who created peeing?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
No. Well, I want to say she does really good salads, but she is... This sounds so horrible, but she doesn't season anything.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Especially in a public restroom. But yeah, that's right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
It's a clear partition. That looks like Asian. Like pan or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I only have one rack and I can't remember the name of the movie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
But we watched it together so you can maybe, it's got Anne Hathaway in it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
And she works, she gets hired to work at a. Devil Wears Prada. No, at a, like a prison. Prison. As a therapist. And it's set in like the. We've watched this? I think we watched it. It has a good, Eileen.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
And I like the twist. I wasn't expecting it and it was really good. It's dark.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I don't get to watch a lot of stuff these days because I'm just watching our kid.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
It was good. I like a doc where it begins, they are working on this, and then they take a hard left and get sidetracked with this other project.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
It's probably like the motto of English, even though they colonize everything.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I'm thinking about it with my special with the YouTube monetization.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Yeah, but you know what? If you look at some other movies that had a big production behind it, some of them are making that amount.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Well, it just would go stale, I would assume, with flies around it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Some specials. I'm like, this looks like it was filmed in an airplane hangar.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
September 5th, shot at Grove 34. I was almost like nine months pregnant.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Yeah, and it's called But Whole Money. September 5th.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Well, that's like one time Joe for a podcast, Factor, sent an- Factor! They sent in all this food, but we weren't home because they didn't reach out. And it just went stale on our doorstep, like $1,000 worth of food.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Well, everyone will want to ride the subway now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
This one recently, I don't know if it's kind of hacky, but I feel like no one's talked about this part of it. Do you know when you buy coffee and then the barista or the person that registers like, okay, I'm just going to turn the iPad around and it's going to ask you a question where I'm like, why do they act like they don't know what the question is?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Yeah, it's the tip. But why are they just like, you know, it's like it's beyond their control. Like we don't know what this thing does. I don't know. What did it say? Did it call you a c**t? Yeah. I just act like it asked me how many like sexual partners I've had.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Or then I just thought about like I also have an iPad. And it's going to ask you a few questions. You flip yours over. Let's just stick two iPads talking to each other. But I just get annoyed that they don't have the balls to say it's going to ask you for a tip.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Sorry, faux pas. You should call ahead of time to let us know when a week's worth of food is coming.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Because I actually tipped somebody on the Upper East at one of these. Oh, I was furious. Where they just grab your thing for you. And it was so expensive. And Joe was like, what do you do?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I just did it as like people pleasing, like automatically, just like 20. And just like, no. And the guy was like. And the guy couldn't return.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Oh, hey matey, a butthole awaits. It's kind of fun.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Oh, yeah, I've heard about that. It's like a good, it also sounds like a good premise.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I don't want my loved one, Joe, rocking them all up and I have to do them all in one night.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I don't know why you guys don't like cutting your toenails.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Which rumors? The rumor that a lot of white people don't wash their legs.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Sarah, armpit hair, thoughts? I actually think it's cute. And did you ever remember like the first Playboy that Madonna did? She had armpit hair.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
I think it was her photos that she took from a photographer and then he sold them to Playboy. But they had, she had armpit hair.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
When your friend starts smoking at 48, you're like, it's only when you're in high. I get high school. But when you start smoking at 25, that's kooky. It's weird.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
To get it set up beforehand was so annoying. Like I just didn't feel like going to a Staples.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
it's just been told to us that this is episode 200 so thank you guys for coming with us on this journey here same age as biden all right 200 here here not bad it looks like we got a gift here from the it's always sunny guys whoa four walls whiskey which means hey mark sam and matthew we got a little note this looks like a long note wow jesus christ what is that the declaration
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
wow there it is Fort Lauderdale is good audiences great crowd every time I'm there I'm always like oh yeah you guys are fucking I like the I cause you know Florida is like a real it's a hit or miss it's a hit or miss mixed bag cause Miami Miami can be tough yeah Naples is horrible as I've been through Fort Myers is tough but then like Orlando Fort Lauderdale Tampa like killer all killer even Jacksonville Jacksonville's good yeah what's that other one
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
has a northern vibe yeah yeah it's like transplanted New Yorkers and stuff like that but then you also have Cuban population Haitian population you know so southern Florida is like upside down that's a great point the Cubans are just they're Puerto Ricans like they you know it's pretty similar you know yeah yeah but then you know you're coming up in the 80s like who were the guys you were looking at you're like that made you want to do this
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
But he had been on Carson at that point. No.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, a third of them ended up becoming maybe rapists. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
The story I heard from Nick DiPaolo is that he moved from Boston to New York, and he just packed his bags down, went to the comedy cellar, saw you on stage murdering, and was like, I might have to leave.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Pretty good. Nice. You have to go to the guy's toilet. Yeah. Wow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
When you're having a bad set, do you address it or do you just kind of think, I'm going to keep doing my thing, I'm going to build momentum, I'm going to get them. What do you do?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
It's like, well, what is our job, right? I mean, is it to entertain? Is it to be true to ourselves? I mean, hopefully you find a place in the middle where that was me and they liked it. Right. But sometimes you do like a private event type thing and you're like, I just got to survive this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
It's frustrating when you're building because you get excited about a new joke and then it fucking bombs ten minutes later. Yeah. So, yeah, it's still annoying. It's frustrating. I'm still bothered by it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
It happened to me last night. There you go.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
You see a movie, half the room could love the movie. I mean, that's just what we're doing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I know, but you've done jokes that got an applause break on Fallon and then you bring it to a bar show and they're like, that sucked. That's a good point. I mean, it's just, yeah, it's not just, but that's showbiz. I've always thought that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Right. But you also have to be concerned with being one of those comics comics who crushes in those coffee house shows and then goes to any real room and can't fucking connect. That is kind of satisfying for me. Yeah, when we would, like, Mark and I at open mics would do such kind of, like, ba-dum-bum jokes. Right. Our jokes were so kind of like, well, that's the joke. Set up punch.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And then we'd see guys kind of be loose and just, like, I don't give a shit and murder. But then when they'd go to, like, Caroline's at the Strip, they would eat shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And it was like, all right, at least, like, those L's were for something that we took, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I see a lot of the club comics going to the alt rooms like with the notepad and just be, so what else? I'm like, you did that joke on Letterman.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Right, right. But they'd be like, is that anything? I don't know. I know. That's a bit of a cheat code.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
No. No, that was Sal Volcano. That was... Oh, no, it might have been Jim Brewer, actually.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Ari told me a tale went on, one of the ones at the Improv when he just did it. And he just did, not the Comedy Central one, but just the Improv storytelling show. Yeah. He's like, I don't do stories. He's like, just do the show. And it's all because I was like, all right, this next one is a story about a midget. Just be a short joke.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. It's tough. Some people, I mean, it's just all they do.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Like Jim Jeffries, I feel like, could just tell a story. Like, oh, just go tell a story. He'd tell a story at a bar, and that's just how he is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. But, like, yeah, we're kind of joking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Hedberg had a lot back in the day. Hedberg, ton of copycats. It's just, I think we all kind of came up during that era of like Comedy Central half hours. I remember yours and- Oh, huge. And Attell and Hedberg and all those, Greg Giraldo and who else was, I mean- Oh, yeah. Tosh, so many of those.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
They're the best. Literally six days a week. This is my non-
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
If you're looking for a new book to put on that reading list, check out That Black Pig by Ben Colley. It's a crazy story that follows Jim Stakes, a successful photographer with a murky past in low-budget porn when Jim's former colleague dies in a freak masturbation act. Jim thinks it might have been truly an accident. Now I'm nervous, that fucking throw.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
A porn star from Jim's past and a whole lot of booze are along for the ride as Jim tries to unravel the mystery. Well, this sounds really good, man. I love a good kind of sleazy noir, so this sounds right up my alley. I'll have to check it out. Be warned, though, this book isn't for everybody. It touches on some pretty dark themes, so if that's not your thing, you might want to sit this one out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
It's a grim tale of obsession, excess, and unrequited lust that'll have you laughing with every turn of the page. That Black Pig is available on Amazon as a paperback, e-book, or on a Kindle Unlimited. And for any We Might Be Drunk listeners in London, order a Black Pig Manhattan at Low Country in Shoreditch. I'm going to London. I might have to check this out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And a big, fat American guy who owns a bar will slip you a free copy of That Black Pig to enjoy with your cocktail. I love that. If you're not in the area, order That Black Pig on Amazon as a paperback, e-book, or a Kindle Unlimited. Wait a minute.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Congratulations on Bodega Cat. Looking forward to talking whiskey. One of these days soon on the pod or at the bar. Cheers from four walls. Very nice. From the desk of Rob, Glenn, and Charlie. Wow. Very cool. Yeah, we got a little sig from the boys here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I had one at the cellar recently. I was having a really good set, but there was these two women up front who just hated me. And I was like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
i'm like maybe i'm in my head but then i kind of like i'm doing really well so i'm like i'm like i'm like you guys really hate me and they kind of were just like shrugged like you know like oh okay they kind of acknowledge it ouch then i was like whatever and i'm like you know trying to have fun with it just keep doing the set goes well get off i do another set around the corner i come back i see them on the street and they just go oh it's him oh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And I was like, I'm not thrilled to see you either. I don't know what to tell you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. That was a danger, though, when comics used to, like, that was a thing. Comics just started videotaping their sets, and you'd see a camera, and you'd get just used to it, and you'd be like, man, this guy hasn't written a new one in a while. And then you'd see them come off and press record. You're like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Oh, that's not bad. That's smart. Who were the comics? What was the first thing that really took you from selling some tickets to a lot of tickets on the road? Was it your first album? Was it the Comedy Central half hour? What was the thing that really...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Did you get recognized off this? Off the half hour thing?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Wow. You're just taking the bus for a maybe. You just show up. For five minutes. Get on stage, do five minutes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I'll be a lawyer. A Greyhound to do five minutes in Toledo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, but why can't she just say the hint? Why can't she just say you're not right for us? That's my opinion. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
No, no, no. But what if she said, I'll go out with you in six months?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I thought it went well. That's the tough thing. It is ultimately a booker, right? You have a good set. That's all you can do.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I was told by the journeyman dick once. Thank you. Thank you very much.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
But a journeyman baseball player is a guy who's just kind of hanging on. He's on a lot of games. But you make a career.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Oh, I text a bit to Mark and Joe Liss the other day from Richard Jenny. I just heard that killed me about he said, you know what the difference between Charles Manson, every woman I've ever been in love with is Charles Manson has the decency to look like a psycho when you first meet him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
He can pull that one. He had it all. I mean, he had all the tools that you want as a comic. Yes. Good jokes, good performer, just everything. Yeah. Still laughing about that one. Was there anyone else you opened for coming up that you were like, shit, this guy is legit?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
He's trying to work a clean Bukkake joke. He's like, let me just fucking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, yeah. What was your reasoning for going clean? I mean, it's just a smart choice when you're starting out. But I wish I had that inclination sometimes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, it's way harder to churn out material like you do clean.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Now a lot of other guys are getting the credit. But you did a live TV special before.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Well, we have Google. That is crazy that – so you did it with commercials?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
So yeah, exciting. We'll put this in the bar and fuck it. We'll try it. Can't wait to give it a shot here. Ooh, that's a good looking whiskey there. Thanks. It's always sunny, guys. Four walls whiskey. And you guys got to come drink some bodega cash. You got that right. Do we have other gifts here? We got a little video first from some of our fans. Oh, some fans. Oh, I recognize this fan. Oh, wow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I picture him driving in an ice bath, just like... With four wheels.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I didn't see the Rock one live only because I saw him in an arena like a month ago. And I was like, I've seen it live. I'm not going to experience it in a better way than being in the room. And I enjoyed it a lot when I saw it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
That's the excitement of live, I think. That's what it is. That's why you're tuning in. You're just like, something could go wrong. Yeah. I think that's why they love seeing comics have to manage something fucked up in a crowd. Totally. Because if they know you, they know they like the jokes, but they want to see another gear, I think.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And it is the messiest. You're not going to see that anywhere else. It doesn't seem like anything ever goes wrong at a Broadway show. Right. But in a dingy club, something going off the rails, someone you see on TV, there is something kind of cool about, I don't know, obviously I'd rather just do my hour, but when I fuck around at a show, it's at the end of the show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I want to do my show, and then I'll be like, all right, now I'll fuck around with you guys. Same.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
The most impressive, Nathan, for you. I don't remember. When he walked a tight wire over the building. That was the most insane shit I've ever seen. Did he do it? He did it, yeah. Oh, wow. He did it like eight times. You're talking about... You know that guy Nathan Fielder? No.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, he trained to do this for a long time. How did I miss that one? Is he a stand-up? No.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
He did it. He did it. And with weird makeup on his face, pretending to be another guy. The whole premise of the episode was he'll find a guy, he'll get him to meet a girl, they'll fall in love, and he'll make this guy the hero. Yeah. So he learned a tight wire.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Are you still on the road really hard right now?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
All right, I'm convinced. All right. Ah, the Jew. It's a great soundbite. Ah, the Jew. Where do you want to travel?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Like you just kind of take it easy at home? I do a lot of crack cocaine.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, Jews don't do well in the desert, man. I crumple up like a fucking raisin. 40 years. I know, but it wasn't good. It's a bad 40 years.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yikes. I mean, yeah, I'm sure you got a sick place. I mean, you just got to stay out of that. I mean, it's crazy. All you need is air conditioning and you're good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I hear you. I think if you're that rich that you just find a way to like wherever you're living. You're like, wherever I live will be sick. I know, but you're just like, I'll make Florida sick. I'll make it great, you know? I'm with you. I'm not leaving New York, but I get that mindset too, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Can I ask you a question about Vegas? Yeah. What's a good, because we go there just for gigs, so what's good non-touristy stuff to do there?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I did the win. It was really good. It was really fun. Yeah. I did the Mirage ones, but that's gone now, isn't it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
What about The Golden Steer? Is that place awesome? Yeah. I got to go there. What about Circus?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I love it. We got a bunch. All right. I'm wearing one, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
It's so fucking, I can't watch. It's like, what's the next show going to be? Bank Teller? It's fucking awful. I can't – every time I come home and my girlfriend's got Bravo on too, I'm like, turn that – please turn that shit off. It makes you dumber. Even his background noise, I can't take it. I'm with you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Flights are one of the best places to do it because there's no other distractions, really. You can kind of just zone out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Then he was like, hey, I figured you'd want my protein bar wrapper as well.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I will tell you, I kind of like something about an actual magazine now or a newspaper or something. I don't know because it's just like I look at the Kindle or whatever. It's like another thing to charge.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I just look at another fucking charger. I agree. Charging everything. I got my computer, my phone, my fucking headphones, my dildo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
My second bigger dildo. I have multiple dildos I bring on the road.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Part of the dream is that you're on your phone. Never. Yeah, but you might be on your deathbed just like, you know. That's true. Right before you die, those are your last thoughts.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I got a quick one for you. Shout out Bill Burr for telling me to watch this movie from the 70s called Straight Time with Dustin Hoffman. It's fucking awesome. Awesome movie. Straight Time. Harry Dean Stanton's in it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
It's like he's fresh out of prison. It's a cool movie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
It's really good. All right. Check it out, man. Really fun, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
This is killer. Thank you so much. And guess what? We have a guest coming in who's one of our favorite comics. We're so pumped to do 200 with him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
He co-directed it. What? I guess he directed it for like two weeks and then was like, fuck this, and someone else came in. Hilarious. No, it's a cool one. Yeah, every time Harry Dean Stanton shows up in a movie, I'm like, fuck yes, this guy rules. Totally.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Well, yeah, it looks like you're torn here. Where else are you going to be? Well, I don't know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Wheeling, West Virginia. Munhall, Pennsylvania. Munhall is near Pittsburgh. Yeah, right outside. We got Hershey. Got to check out that chocolate factory. We got Philly, October 18th. See Brian in Baltimore, Maryland.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Oh, nice. Charlottesville, Virginia. Boston, classic.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Niagara Falls, Albany, all over. Yeah, I mean, go to... Is it brianregan.com? Yes. brianregan.com. See Brian on the road. One of the best guys. One of the best. Go see him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I just... Right now, I got a big tour coming in January, late January, but...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
yeah i'm doing spokane washington in october 24th through 26th and i'm doing hilarities in cleveland november 21st through 23rd but i think we're doing a theater tour starting in uh i want to say late january i will be coming everywhere so just go to my website uh it's gonna be fun samorelle.com or punchup.live slash samorelle punchup.live slash mark norman for his dates and uh yeah i'm hitting like every city so just go check it out mark where are you gonna be
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Winnie just farted. That's a bad fucking fart. Really? That's a bad. It's going to hit you in a sec. I can't wait.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
No, not really. Give it a go somewhere. It'd be fun. We could.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. I don't love doing live podcasts. You don't either, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, you throw in Porky's Revenge, you just riff, you let the good times roll, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Are we peps at AC? We're fucking pussies, dude. Are we on? Are we rolling?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. Well, go see Brian, one of our faves. Thank you. And drink Bodega Cat, guys. Yes. Legal in New York right now. Got distribution. See us on the road. And if you want to get this, I don't know, DM the Bodega Cat Instagram or something or-
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe he's gay. You can believe he's a wizard, but you can't believe he's gay?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
He has to downgrade him too. I love that bit. Chapter breaks. Ted came to my college when I was in school and I got to open for him and he was awesome. He was a really... Sweet man. Good man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. And you were doing comedy or getting into comedy?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
He had a great opener. He opened... It was in New Orleans at Katrina. And I remember he opened with the joke. At Katrina. Like it's a... No, like... Right after Katrina. At Katrina, yeah, we were drowning. It was weird. We were underwater, but he still brought the heat.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
No, he opened, he goes, so I guess it's been, I've always been dying to come down here ever since I heard about what happened, and I guess it's been about a year, and that just crushed, and you're like, all right. Sometimes it's just the fucking pause, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
People just kept leaving and leaving. I did the audition at the comic strip, and it was a big one for me at the time, and I remember it was like 200 comics at this lottery. Remember that shit? Oh, yeah, the lottery. And I remember going on, you'd go six comics after the regular show. So you'd be like a good two and a half hours in the evening for the crowd.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And then they'd be like, all right, do you guys want to watch some terrible comics? And the crowd's like, fine, yeah. They were nice enough to stay. And it was us six. And I drew number six. And I was like, fuck this. This is going to be right. They're not going to be here. But then, you know, everyone was doing like not well, but well enough.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And the guy who got five right before me had a full on nervous breakdown. No. He walked 70 out of the 80 people.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
During his set, he was just like, I'm fucking bad at this. Oh, my God. I fucking suck.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
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We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
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We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's like learning a language when you're a baby. You just speak Spanish to a baby, and the baby grows up speaking Spanish.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, he doesn't know how not to speak Spanish. Right. So, you know, this is basically child slavery. Yeah. But we got the best. We got the pyramid. We got the best. Yes, exactly. Tiger Woods playing golf at like two years old doing putts. It's not a good childhood.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Wait, what about Dan Aykroyd? What's going on?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Maybe on some level he's glad an ex-black guy is fucking his daughter. Oh, boy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
like an onion elvis wanted to be black like now wait you don't want to be black in the 50s that's true yeah you want to be black with your rights right you know yeah yeah exactly but yeah damn i mean uh yeah he was fucking iconic iconic michael jackson incredible remember where you were when he died no but i remember kurt metzger's joke about it oh what's that was that again
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I remember I was on a, okay, I remember, I don't remember where I was the moment he died, but I remember where I was that night. I did my old show at the Sage Theater. Mm-hmm.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett died, and Ted Alexander was open or crushed. He just goes, wow, what a day. Shaq to the Cavs? Crazy. Crushed. Perfect. Perfect. Because like, you know, Farrah Fawcett. Imagine dying the same day as Michael Jackson. Insane. Insane.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Do you think he was a diddler, or do you think he was just like a stunted childhood one? Either way, it's gross, but one is way worse, obviously.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You know what's probably hard about being a pedo is eating what the kids eat and then still trying to perform.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You're trying to get hard after 20 McNuggets. That's not easy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yes. How much do you think they're really making? I mean... A Dateline actor, like the Adolf Hitler in the new Netflix one, where the whole time he's like... I'm like, I mean, I don't think this is exactly Laurence Olivier. Yeah, that's true. It's just some dude who just is like... It sucks when you can notice he's that bad an actor that they're overacting as like the background.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's like when an extra tries to do... And you're like, no, just fucking walk by.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I got a movie rec for you. Okay. I might have texted to you already. Memories of Murder. The guy who did Parasite, Bong Joon-ho. Oh, he's good. Dude, it's so good. Memories of Murder, is it old? It's his second movie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, it's a good one, man. Oh, I'm all over it. It's a noir.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
When we're talking, like, film, they're pretty damn good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's such a big country. I don't know enough about it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You drink hard this weekend? I did, yeah. By the way, that guy a wreck? Jonathan Haidt?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
All that good noir shit came post-World War II.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's a lot of good non-Jew and black comics, too. Yeah, I guess you got Carlin, Burr, CK. Yeah, well, come on. Quinn. I think every group, you got to be funny. That's true. Funny is value.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Currency, especially when you're young. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Memories of Murder Good. You got a wreck? Oh, you did wreck. You wrecked the thing, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I was on a plane. God, you must have been crying like a bitch.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's real. That's why I never break up with a woman on a flight.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Best place to break up with a woman? A library. Oh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
We've got to look up that bit and find out who took that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Is it weird pitching an N-word bit to a black comic?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
As long as you don't give it to an Indian comic and then take it back. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I want video footage from when you were young.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Right. So even if what we're doing is wrong, you are kind of jumping on that train.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Britain, they have their hands in everything bad. They've done so many bad things. That's true. We could pin the whole Middle East thing on Britain. We could really do it. You think? I mean, yeah, there's some. If you go to like the 40s, they did some shit where you're like, yeah, this is a little bit on you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm terrible at it. No, I mean, yeah. Ireland's in there somewhere, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. I'm terrible at this. I'm the wrong guy to ask. Although I will be playing there, so. Okay. We should cut this so I don't sound like a fucking moron.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I, uh. Yeah, I'm doing Belfast, Dublin, London, Paris. Wow. Amsterdam, Oslo, Norway. Oh, that is Norway, Oslo. And Copenhagen and Stockholm. And I'm thinking about adding Berlin. I'm thinking about it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I don't have a lot of days off. Okay. Unfortunately, I have a lot of days off in London, which I've been to a bunch. I have a day off in Paris. I have a day off. Oh, that's good. In some places. I think in Dublin, I have a day off. Oh, that's good, too. Yeah. All right. I wish I had another day in Amsterdam, but I don't.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm going to try to fit in the Anne Frank House and the Van Gogh Museum.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm going to have to call my agent. Like, you've got to hook up Anne Frank tickets, dude.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
They're adding a wing. They're like, we've got to make this bigger.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, he tried to, they almost got to the States. He had a friend who was powerful and the letter was rejected. That was a crazy part of this shit, man. It's like having the, I think there was a boat of German Jews who tried to get to Cuba. And they were just denied when they got there. They said they would let them in. They denied and they had to go back to Germany.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Imagine like you're leaving Germany like, fuck you, Nazi pieces of shit. And then you have to go back. You're like, ah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And guess what? We will bitch about a Delta flight again. Like you feel bad for like two minutes. And then like 30 minutes later, they're like, we're going to circle for 20 minutes. And you're like, no one has suffered more than me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You try to make it, a peeve is a part of the show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Well, give me some peeves because I'm fucking low on peeves right now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's my problem. I always forget to. Same. Something will annoy me because I was leaving. I'm telling my girlfriend, I'm like, what do I complain about? She goes, I can't picture you not complaining. All you do is complain. I was like, well, give me something. She goes, I can't remember. I go, that's a peeve.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
They always fall sooner or later. Yeah, I got loaded. I was in a casino gig with Chrissy D., Nemesh, Rachel. Nemesh stays like downtown. He wants to be in like a cool park. Chris and I are like, yeah, we'll do the casino or whatever. What city? We're in Prior Lake, Minnesota. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. It's a cool, it's a decent casino. I was going to say cool. It's fine. Mystic Lake Casino. Okay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
His funeral, never had the right mustard. Not a good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
His brother was the mayonnaise guy. But this guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. That's a good peeve. I hate the story of my life. Because it's like, look, it's one thing like, ah, crap is one thing. Sure. But then you now become like this victim. Yes. They never have the brown mustard. Right. Right. I do love a brown mustard, though. Oh. I know. You know what else I love? It's like a grainy mustard. Oh, yes. I love a grainy mustard. The seeds. I'm a mustard guy. Me too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Horseradish mustard. Love it. They have one... They have it at Russ and Daughters. Oh, that's a good shit, man. Yeah, that's good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Look up that Russ and Daughters horseradish mustard. This is like my favorite mustard I've ever had, dude.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Russ and Daughters fucking rules. I will wait on that dumb line on a weekend.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's like the only touristy shit I actually do.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Dude, how about fucking the strip house is going to carry Bodega Cat? Fuck!
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's coming soon. And dude, we're like big shipment, new sexy bottle coming. The only knock, their GM tried our whiskey and they apparently loved it. Said the only knock is we don't love the current feel of the label. I said, well, I got good news for you. We got a new fucking label coming.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
We're cooking, baby. Bodega Cat's making some noise. You can't find the mustard? It's a good mustard. I'll find it somewhere. We'll get it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Horseradish. Put in horseradish mustard. It might show up. Horseradish mustard. What a great combo. Oh, it's fucking... That's the stuff. Wait, no, that's not it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, it's the Stonewall Kitchen. It's a fancy one. These are fancy mustards we're dealing with. Wow. Give me another peeve, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I know. It is a pee for me when people don't get right to it. Yes. When it's a friend, I don't care. But when it's like a work type call. It's a work call. It does bother me when someone's telling you like, yeah, I had a guy sending me like text like this. And I'm like, dude, what are you doing to me?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You know what you got to do? You got to treat it like hockey.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You got to say like, there's a minute left in the period. Let's go.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You know that one. I've heard that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We do that. We do a gig. Great crowd.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
i don't yeah it's a real peeve i got a peeve please and it's a fucking first world peeve and i'm and i know it and i'm saying in advance i stayed in shitty hotels for years yeah just let me go on the road i stay in a nice hotel was in a hotel that had a sauna i was very excited yeah love a sauna especially when you're traveling you sweat out the fucking booze oh yeah sweat out that airplane garbage that's in you yep i go in there all excited four kids in there
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
What the hell are we doing? In a sauna. In a sauna. And they're leaving the door open so the heat's all getting out. One of the dads was like, close the door. I'm like, you brought them in. You're bringing the bad energy in. Kids have no place in a sauna. No place. You're not, what's the word, stressed about anything?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
nemesh is like you gotta come for this chicken we look on uber we're like 35 minutes away like 10 30 and he's we're riffing on stage he's like i gotta i got a reservation we're like you're staying in the casino right yeah i was like fuck that and uh chris's whole family with him his daughter's fucking hilarious oh yeah we're at the airport chris goes look at sam she goes oh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, what are you fucking, like, oh, I got a State Capitals Monday. I got to fucking dine in here. Jesus Christ.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Booked the hotel because of the sauna. Didn't get a good sauna.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I remember Joe List had a great tweet once saying like there should be, this was before he had a kid, by the way. That's true. But he said there should be an app telling you if there are kids by the hotel pool.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Wow, that's a good bit. That's a good idea. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
By the way, Mateo told me he's never been in a sauna.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Certain neighborhoods, I think. Yeah, that sucks, because I do want to go in there and just relax.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
But it's not hot enough otherwise. God damn it, I'm gay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm sending signals. We outed Sam. I may as well have been bent over wiggling my butt in the air.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Dude, I did the worst thing the other day. I said, hey, do you mind? And I poured it on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's a little too cool. You might have to put water on the rocks. And he's like, go ahead.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, that's insane. That's like what the thing is for.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
How do you know he was gay at Subway? He ordered a sandwich.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's hard to resist the siren call of popcorn and soda. That's why there's Factor. Factor is no prep, no mess meals, are dietician approved, and get sent right to the front door. With over 25 meal options each week, everything tastes amazing and takes just two weeks to prepare. Throw in a Factor meal in the microwave or on the skillet, you're good to go. I've used Factor. It's great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You throw it on. You know, I live a sad life. I eat it over the sink sometimes. I don't even heat it up. Think about killing myself. But do I do it? No, because Factor tastes delicious, even cold. Choose from six menu preferences to help you manage calories, maximize protein intake, avoid meat, or simply eat well-balanced meals. Whatever you're looking for, Factor's got you covered.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
We lost it. She's been around a comedian too much. Yes. To the point that she now insults me nonstop. And I was like, does your kid hate me? She's like, no. It's like her term of endearment.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Head to factormeals.com slash drunk50 and use code drunk50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month. That's code drunk50 at factormeals.com slash drunk50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month while your subscription is active. It's insane. It's insane. And thank God all the taxes are going to something good. Try driving on any of the fucking roads here. Oof.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's crazy. Try driving from Philly to here and you're like, where's the money going? Yeah, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You wanna pour some water over the rocks on Equinox?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, the road ritual, you need to do everything you feel comfortable doing because the second you cave in, next thing you're like, why did I fucking do that? That's true. Because I felt it, dude. We went out hard and then I had shit to do and I was like, fuck.
We Might Be Drunk
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She's like, look at this ugly guy. I'm like, she's like, because I look bad. She goes, look at your teeth. What's wrong with your teeth?
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I was like, you know. You got nice teeth. I just got them whitened. Thanks for noticing. Yeah, but she's hilarious. And then we end up in D.C. We end up at... We end up just going to this place, Shaw's Crab House. I go there every time I'm in Chicago. That's right up my anal. I don't even know what it is, but I'm in. Veeder found it originally. Yes. It's a Gary Doesn't Miss find.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
i don't i don't i'm a comedian what am i doing all day i'm like but you had shit to do i had shit to do but he didn't and that's he got me they always get you it's like a game yeah they know that they have the i'll be fine i can lose this day and you're like no i can't lose i can't lose it yeah but also those those hangs are kind of like rare these it was pretty great getting older and it's like i regret them like a motherfucker the next morning but like a week later i'm like i'm glad i did that
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Old men will look back and be like, those were fucking fun nights. That's true. Because, you know, every once in a while you need to make some bad decisions.
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That's the thing is, he's like kind of still that guy.
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That's fun. You fuck, damn. That's a good drunk, man.
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That was fun. We got to do one of those soon. Let's do it. I guess we do do it almost every week, technically. But like an actual non-recorded one where we're just like, got to hit like, maybe we'll hit Strip House when it's like, when Bodega Cat's there. Good call.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Joe DeRosa is going to die at 51. I give him so much shit. He is that friend at funerals who's like. True. Who's like excited he gets to do shots for a reason.
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Veeder can find crabs. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he finds them. And every time I'm in one of these places, I think of that Richard Jenny joke with the lobsters in the tank. Oh, so good. They all have that look on their face like, any word from the governor? Ha, ha, ha. It's such a good bit. So good. But, yeah, we get loaded there. Wow. You know, his partner's with us, Jazz, you know. Oh, yeah.
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It's one of the things, if you do it, you just can't do it in public.
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God, no. This is Manhattan. It's not sanitary.
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I need a Silkwood shower. The amount of fucking garbage in this city subway. I remember I was on the train once late at night and I, you know, see a guy in a wheelchair like barely hanging on. He's like,
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
hanging on and he falls over I'm like fuck and I walk over like fuck I guess I gotta help this guy up but he's clearly I can tell something's wrong with him too but I'm helping him up and some guy as I'm doing it goes don't do it and I'm like whatever I just did it I helped him up and then he leans over again he's like and he falls over I'm like I guess this is his thing he just falls over and wants people to help him up
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So no money or anything? No, he's just like a fucking mess. Wow. And then I smell him like he's shit himself.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
So I'm like, I'm helping a dude up who's pooped his pants. Yeah, you got to pit that Purell. It's a bad one. And then I helped him up the first time and they did it again. The guy looked at me and goes, I told you.
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Sure, sure. But a guy in a wheelchair falls over, like, what are you going to do? Of course you're going to help him.
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A true story. So years ago on the train, there's a guy with no legs pushing himself and begging for money. And I heard a guy whisper to his friend, this one's not faking it. Oh, wow. Wow. That's fucking sad.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's got to be real. It also sucks that that's like your whole persona now. I know. He just became the burn guy. Yeah, yeah. Like you're carrying the fucking clippings.
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Koozies are only seven bucks. The burn koozies, but they keep it cool.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
So the point, it was just a gag wallet. You just open it and there's no money and it just lights on fire.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
She's a good-looking lady. At one point, at one point, one flight, she walks by in yoga pants and bends over, and Chris, like, points to his wife's butt, like, check this out.
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I had a friend who tried to get into a bar underage, and he didn't have a fake ID, and I did, and I got in, and then he busted out the fire wallet, and the guy looked at me and goes, get in there.
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It worked. It worked. Because I think the guy was like, look, you might be 18, but you're good energy. We could use you in there.
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I don't know about secretly. Some of them, Copperfield pulled some great ass.
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But if you're an entertainer, if you have that kind of charisma that you can make a living as a magician- You're getting people's attention.
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Yeah, well, think about how rock stars dress.
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Because, first of all... A good gag to do on this guy is to open it and just dump fucking... They pull it out, you just dump some fucking... Lighter fluid on it.
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No. I think it's just a gag. I think it's pointless, the gag wallet.
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It's pretty cool, man. That's what I mean. They're natural entertainers. Like, they've been doing that shit, like, the way we have to fill in, like, awkward silences with something uncomfortable, like a joke or something. They're filling it in with, like, Yes. They're doing, like, weird, like, you know, what's that behind your ear? Yeah. And that shit is universal. It is.
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That works on little kids. That works on adults. That works on an old lady.
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Because it's work. It's like, you know, when you see a good magician, you're like, well, that trick was a lot of work.
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He loves magic. There's a story that this director wanted him in his first film. It's a guy who did the books, Lunches with Orson, and Peter Bogdanovich gives Henry Jaglum his info. He's like, he'll never do your first movie, but here's his info. He shows up at the hotel to greet him, just knocks on the door. That's No email back then. Yeah, yeah. Knocks on the door.
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Orson Welles opens the door in, like, purple silk pajamas. Said he looked like a giant grape. And he goes, who are you? And he just said, I need you to be in my movie. It's my first film. And he goes, I'll never do a director's first film. Never. And he goes, well, you did your first film, and you directed it. And he goes, never. Get out of here. And he goes, I know you love magic.
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But when you're single, it's okay to look at his girlfriend? Yeah, I'd say so. It always weird is when you follow the ex, and then they break up, and you're like, oh, cool, that chick that ruined my friend's life got into yoga, I guess. That's nice. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, we're at dinner. We're getting loaded. It starts with just a round of martinis.
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You play a magician. And just paused, and he goes... Could I wear a cape? And he did it. But he loved magic. I mean, F is for fake. He did magic, too. Right. Right. Wow. It's like Nathan for you before Nathan for you. Yeah. It's a weird one.
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Movie theaters, like all the trailers are for stuff that's on Netflix. On TV, you get commercials for YouTube. They're literally advertising their demise. Ooh. That's my thing. It's like when a woman posts pictures with her guy friend you know she's going to hook up with after you. Oh, that's good. And you're like, oh, cool, that's what's coming next, I guess.
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You're advertising the thing that's killing you.
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then it felt we felt like we were in mad men i was like another round of martinis i was like what the hell no stopping now we start getting loaded then he's like another round i'm like all right another round wow just keep doing them we keep throwing them down and then uh booze and crabs too what a fun what a fun night cracking them open you got the bib on the cocktail it's that's the best
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I think the problem is though with shooting, like this may be worth this and somehow like you shoot a load and then you feel you regret it. Oh. Because like you watch porn, I'm just like, ugh. Don't you feel that little self-loathing? Yeah. You feel shame. You don't feel shame after you shoot a gun. You're just like, that was fucking cool.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
But you can't feel like you shoot a guy. Yeah. Maybe you play a video game where you shoot a guy and he's like, what have you done?
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Oh, yeah. Something like that where it's like. The shame needs to come in. There needs to be a way you get. It's close.
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Well, shooting. when you finish i think something i i think the difference is when you when you shoot a load you see the world kind of more clearly yes you don't do that if you shoot a gun oh yeah right you don't fire you're not at the range you fire you fire two rounds and you're like what have i done
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
yeah no it's not there yet but it's like you fire two rounds and you're like man i'm fucking i'm sick yeah i'm a sick fuck maybe the shooting range is almost like a porn theater you know like you get it out there and then you don't do it at school there might be a connection to like porn and school shooters either way it's because you don't have a girlfriend or something you know oh yeah true true yeah
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I had an old premise. It's different, but about how it's weird that they say these shoot-em-up video games make kids numb to violence, right? Because it's like, oh, no, they have nothing to do with the school shooting. It's like, all right, I'm not going to blame video games for actual murder, but there's no way that shit's not numbing you to violence.
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It's also just a different experience. You watch a porno, you're doing it alone. You're not watching a porno with a group like, yeah. You see John Wick in the theater, you're like, this is fucking awesome.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Good sushi there too. Everything's good there, man. The kids get their mac and cheese. It's killer. It's got like a PJ Clark's type of vibe. Love it. Like the seafood and the good martinis. So then Chris was like, let's go on a architecture tour. I'm like looking at my phone. I'm like, all right. At this hour? It's like nine. Yeah. He's like, come on. The kids will be into it.
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I think it's because it's easier to get a gun.
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Maybe he shows you his gun collection, you're like, oh, that's pretty cool. You go to his house, he goes, you want to see all these girls I have in the basement? You're like, I'm going to call the FBI real quick. Yeah, he's on a watch list. That's good. Okay, okay. Yeah, you can collect guns and it's seen as kind of cool.
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Porn mag. I think if you're too into either, it's a red flag.
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Too into porn, too into guns. Right. Like, you have a few guns. You go to the range, whatever. But, like, there's the people that have, like, a shitload. And you're like, all right, that's a little.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
No, I think the women gun thing is. I think that's it. It's easier to get a gun.
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I hope I didn't just say someone's fucking thing. Everyone's done everything.
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I was watching this JFK doc, and this guy, this historian comes on. He goes, I think what really did him in was his obsession with women. I was like, really? I think it was getting shot in the face. I don't think it was.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I don't think the doctor was like, man, this guy's head fell off. Punani overload. I don't know. I need something better than that.
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He got brain. Well, this guy used to have a lot of head. Yeah. He used to have a lot of, yeah. He got road head. Yeah, road head. That's fucking good. Road head's the word. Yeah, what killed him? Road head. Road head.
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Right in front of his wife. It's just so dark.
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The kids are like passed out too. We get on the boat. It's like one of those things. Boat? Yeah, yeah. It's like a river tour. Whoa. So we get on the boat and it's a woman leading this. And it's a woman, like it's her show. So she's like making jokes. Uh-huh. And, you know, not great. But she's like, no talking while I'm talking. No TikToks open. And I'm like, did we just get hammered?
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, there's a lot there. He did get so much fucking ass, though. And it was always like, there's something funny. He's always fucking someone that was like a danger to the country. Oh, really? Yeah, and RFK always had to clean it up. Ah.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You were expecting a white guy. Yeah. Yeah, it is funny that they have to pretend that they're cool now. Exactly. There's a fine line between tolerance and intolerance, and it's like... It's color. It's color.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, I think the next thing is like, what did you just say about the, there's a fine line, I think it's color. Yeah. Yeah, brown. Well, it's the same way like someone will go after us for saying a joke, but if a rapper made the same type of comment, type of blogger would never dare. Culture goes a long way. Culture goes a long way.
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Yeah, if you murder people, you can really believe whatever you want to believe. Yeah, you'll get popped eventually, but you'll have a, you'll be all right on. I don't know, I think the turn is really like calling out that type of liberal person. Right. Who thinks they're really open-minded. Yeah, exactly. You think you're really open-minded, but you're really just a pussy. I guess so, yeah.
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And now we just have to like look at each other in silence? The kids are passed out on Chris. We're just like looking at each other like, oh, all right. Wow. I can't believe you went on the boat at night.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's one of those ramp bits. It's going to be one of those ramp bits where you're like, oh, wow, it seems like you only believe that because... But it's something funny, because we all kind of believe that in some way. That's the funny thing. Sure. I think you can kind of, if you maybe flip it on yourself a little, there is something funny about that.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Well, it feels more current, maybe. More current, yeah. The Christian jokes have been made.
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It's tough. It's a tough call. It is. But it's easy...
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jazz apparently got sick from the oysters i will say i had fucking some mean diarrhea yeah you know when you try to hit the gym the next day and you're like and you're like i'm gonna hit the gym i left twice to take a shit wow it was bad damn then i had to go do pardon my take in chicago they'd have you do the gauntlet that thing where it's like an athletic challenge let's just say my time was not good yeah
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Oh, dude, that's my whole fucking act right now.
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That's true. That's true. There's something about... Yeah, no, I have one that, like, I had forever, and I just finished it, like, a week ago. Wow. I forgot... You know, I was like, how do I end this? Dude, I didn't write it, I riffed it. It's like sometimes you just have to keep saying the joke and you talk the punchline of what you say naturally is the punchline.
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Yeah. Should we do one more or do you want to save some? Uh...
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When I was a kid, my mom used to buy me books on ADD.
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Books. I could read a tweet. That's funny. Books on ADD. And then they sent me to a seven-hour ADD seminar, which is true. Because they were like, you need to... And I'm like, that's not how you...
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
beat add right you don't just force me to listen and you're like and uh my friend said you know you can't cure add with the class it's like being gay you can't that's what i was gonna show a gay guy pictures and like of hot women like cured yet yeah you know so and i was like yeah it's not at all like being gay i think it's pretty messed up to uh to compare what i have to an incurable disorder
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's great, but it's not going to work in the UK or whatever. We don't get ADD people, we don't get a parade. Even if we did, we wouldn't have the focus to get one done. I think ADD is like, ADD is not like being gay. I can control this with medication.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, really? Yeah. No, I tried that first part on stage. I didn't try the second part. So I just tried up to like where you guys laughed, the disorder part. That was a riff. And I was like... It got a pop.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I do have a sauna bit, actually. Oh, okay. I have a new sauna bit. Here we go. Yeah, yeah. What else you got? That's my thing. I have a couple that are new that are just working, so I don't want to bring on shit that's working.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I feel like sometimes when people hear it at the show and when I talk to them after, they're like, no, it's cool hearing it on the show. That's true. But yeah, I'm the same way. I like it all to be brand new to them when they see it.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And it sucks when you're like, well, I do have diarrhea and I'm hungover. And they're like, no excuses. You're like, no excuses.
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You piece of shit. Yeah. Is this any way to treat a customer?
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Delta's like, wow, this is paying for itself. Yeah.
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I was laughing in the setup. I mean, to me, that's hilarious.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm also shocked whenever I know your angle is not going to be hack. I always know that, but it's still refreshing to hear an airline bit that you're like, oh, I haven't heard that.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You showed up. It's a lot. We were bombed. We were both singing that song from all that jazz. I think I'm going to die. Yeah. What the fuck's wrong with these people?
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Oh, there we go. Hey, there we go. This is fun. Yeah.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Follow us both, punchup.live slash Mark Norman, punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. Oh, yeah. And we're posting stuff on there. We got our dates in there. Mark, where are you going to be?
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm going to Europe, so I got... Whee! yeah i got london i believe september 18th then uh then we got oh niagara falls first right okay niagara falls uh september 13th oh the good side yeah we got london the 18th the 22nd we got belfast then we got dublin paris just added a show amsterdam just added a show copenhagen uh Oslo, Stockholm, and then, yeah, I'm back in the clubs.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Going to add some more clubs. We got Hilarities, November 21st through 23rd. I'm going to add some more clubs, though. Need to get back to it. And then big theater tour next year. And buy some Bodega Cat at bodegacatwhiskey.com. I don't know why I can't speak today. I'm off today. Bodegacatwhiskey.com. And, you know, we've had some great times with Wingus here.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Winnie always bringing the heat on this pod. Oh, yeah. You guys love Winnie. Who doesn't? We got to look back at some of the greatest moments with Winnie. Let's take a little look back to all the great moments Winnie has provided us on this podcast.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Sorry. Back off, Norman. Mini Winnie's going strong. And let's take a look. Oh, this is a good one. An improv over the weekend with her, and the staff's like, Winnie?
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, shit. I love pugs. I love pugs. Carry that with me.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, she's 17. She's hanging in there. Well, thanks for listening, guys. We love you. One more. We got one more. Yeah, we got to do this one. You go to the bookstore and it's like... Ari trying to make up for it.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He probably got discovered. Yeah. There we are. Look at that. Wow. That's great. Yeah, we had a few of those. No Rachel? She was in, no, Chris just happened to go to Chicago with his family. Oh, okay. So I was there afterwards to do part of my take. Got it. Because it's not far from Minnesota. No, we were in Minnesota together. Got it. Yeah, we were hanging in Minnesota.
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Love it. You guys are the best. Keep listening and we'll see you guys soon.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
We were throwing back some Manhattans. Woo! It's one of those weird, like, we can't get you alcohol. Yeah, what is that? One of those weird casinos. I don't know. I've had that. Dry, weird. He was like, the watchachiti people. I'm like, of course. Yes. The watchachiti. Some spirit reason. I don't know.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, yeah, it's true. Maybe it's bad for the entertainment. I don't know. That makes sense. There was one comic who came in and ruined that shit. That's true. Anytime you go to a comedy club, they're like, Vic Henley was here in 97. He had six bottles of Patron.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, cool, so now we have to pay for it, you know?
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Yeah, yeah. They were a little too flashy. I've never worn them. I want to see them.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yo, these are the New Balance grimaces right here.
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Yeah, Jesus Christ, that guy had an appetite for a lot, I guess.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, when you're fat and you do blow, your heart is like, what are you doing to me, dude?
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Why are you doing this? Yeah. But it's all those fat dudes. I was watching a Babe Ruth doc, and it's pretty bad. It's on Max. I mean, he's amazing. It is funny that there's just no black people playing. They're like, This is the greatest athlete I've ever seen. I'm like, not one black Dominican.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He didn't have to go against any of the, you know, there's some Negro Leagues guys putting up some crazy numbers. Sure. But, you know, he was amazing. There's no denying Babe Ruth was amazing. And you look at what he ate.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Four hot dogs for lunch, two ribeyes for dinner, a ton of booze, a giant Coca-Cola. Even when he's not drinking alcohol, he's just drinking like sugar water. And cigars. Cigars. Scotch. Sausage. Wow. Eight egg breakfast. And there's one line. It's just like a hero worship documentary.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's like a PR fluff piece where, you know, they're like, Babe Ruth adopted a kid with a woman and then he walked out on her. Anyway, Babe Ruth, the things he did for those cancer-ridden children were the Lord's work.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I think he had some sort of cancer. They didn't even tell him he had cancer. That was the weird part. Whoa, really? They were like, yeah, you're just not well. It was back in the day. They're like, oh, 53. I was wrong. They didn't want to upset him. It was like, by the way, I would be pretty upset if you didn't tell me I was dying.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
But he was a fucking booze bag party animal. And then he just like he had a kind of a sad end of his life. Sure. But, you know, when you when you are flying that high that young.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Who is like a tax attorney. He was. And they show clips of him and they're like, he was so fast.
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
All the clips are sped up, though. Just like spinning around. I'm like, all right, well, we might have. Apparently he was fast.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
that's fun oh man he was uh he was iconic though oh yeah i mean he's everyone loved him on the team he was like the party animal playing cards like getting loaded all night love it took you under his wing like that must have been pretty cool and it was back when sports figures were like they were like gods you know they're like oh the babe there he is he's seven foot tall if he's a foot he can crack a bat 20 20 million miles you know that whole thing was almost like a superman figure
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Exactly. And like the type of legend who would refer to himself in third person and wasn't annoying. Yeah. Go to this restaurant and tell him the babe sent you. You know, but he it's pretty cool the way he like he did lift up his teammates. I mean, it was it was he's iconic, but the doc was so bad. It's just people being like he was.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He was awesome, though. So cool. It ain't over till it's over is the most iconic sports quote.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, there's a story. He was on the team with DiMaggio, and there was one time he grounded out to shortstop or whatever, and he didn't hustle. And he came back to the dugout. He goes, oh, you're just not going to run? And he never didn't hustle. Just all it took was one comment. Oh, good. Like, you think you're better than us? Yeah. Like, fuck you. You hustle.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He's fucking crushing Cats. What are we doing here?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's amazing when you think, like, a lot of people think of Michael Jackson as unhealthy, a drug addict. Yeah. And then you see he's in that kind of, like, athlete shape. Athlete. Like, think about, I'll walk up, like, four flights of stairs. I'm like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, dude, I was watching. It's so weird you said that. I went on a Michael Jackson music video kick recently. I'm watching like Smooth Criminal. Oh, yeah. And Thriller. Yes. They're fucking movies.