Mark Normand
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
342. You're at 335.
I just want to thank you, Tony. This is like a big deal.
The people love it.
Thank you.
They're homosexuals. Power move.
25 sticks of butter.
But are we going to get the dirt out of all the ditty people? What are you doing with your chin?
Damn, dude, I can't believe you guys killed him.
55 minutes out of this episode and everyone in the past.
It's a problem. There's so many country guys I can't keep up now. Yeah, it's a big popular country. Brian, Zach. Really did blow up. Country blew up.
You know, it's a big one. The military enrollment went up.
You guys are taking the wrong stance on this. Is that Dave Smith?
I bet they don't do that anymore.
You see they sent drones into Russia, Ukraine. They hit them on that roof.
Who knows? It's so much propaganda. On any side.
Bert doesn't really do fat jokes either.
Let it go, bro. And then look at this dork. Breathe it out.
This guy blows. People are walking through. No one else is dancing like him. You don't want to hang out with this guy.
This is what pride is.
He's got crazy, weird abs. Oh, my God. Uneven. Yeah, mismatched. A lot of abs are like that. This almost says that this whole thing could have been staged. They're not sure. Really? Because it was made by an artist, the whole video. Oh, it's totally staged.
Oh, whatever. Be careful. Look into that history. You know what? Texas, though. Texas plays Ohio State. First game of the season, and they won't play them on Sunday night.
Wait, they're not wanted? It's only going to play 20 seconds, though.
No. No. Really? No, not really.
Oh, this is not the Michigan game. It's Tennessee.
You look so good. I'm seeing a 480-pound guy, and I'm like, what? We did it to Shane 20 minutes ago.
We've watched that.
What about, there's an Ariana Grande concert in London. Manchester, you asshole.
That video we just showed has 65,000 people in the crowd. The first one we watched was Ohio Stadium and this place here is double.
Holy shit, how many people is that? Helicopter right over it?
Going, nah. Moscow.
Up to 2 million. 1.6 million in the crowd?
No, they didn't.
They need this. Let's protect our parks. Damn.
What do you mean? Have you seen that? You go...
What? What's the Asian guy who does the biggest song in the world?
Gangnam Style? Gangnam Style? When he comes up from the stage?
You're allowed to not look at all those skanks fans. Look at the jugs on Jiggly.
It's not Israel. It was pre-9-11. This was on pay-per-view. Holy shit. That guy's full hood. I remember this song from my youth. I think the idea here, keep an eye on the crowd, right? Yeah.
This is a weird time in music. Like, rock, rap. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, well, that'd be in the week. It's just for now. Wait a minute.
That's not it.
That's it. He comes flying out of the floor.
Your skull grows? Physically.
Isn't it crazy? You can't alter your dick. You gain weight. Nothing happens. You can't work out your dick. We work out our dick every night.
Wait, I thought you said.
It was the Iranian one?
Is she Iranian? So she's funny.
That's so crazy. We should have that as an Olympic sport. Beating bitches. But, dang it, I think this person has, like... Line them up.
Thunberg's on her way to Iran. She's going to fix Gaza.
Really? Bro, there she is. Is the environment done? Leonardo DiCaprio. She's got a nice boat. From the river to the rising sea. Not bad, dude. She's going to break the Israeli label. I'm working on it.
Was it Starbucks? Yeah, it's overcoming tweaks.
It ended a lot of shit. Like, the Palestine, it was like, oh, we forgot about Ukraine. We forgot about BLM. We forgot about the- It ended-
We want to know how into feet you really are. Why are some of these states doing that?
Tennessee? I don't mind feet.
It depends if you're sitting up.
So what's he going to do with all those giant jean shorts?
I hope she live vlogs that shit. I want to see her go down.
That shit's crazy. Or the white social worker who goes into Baltimore ghetto. He's like, hey, everybody, I'm here. And they just beat the fuck out of him.
From Liberia? Liberia, yeah.
That guy's gone. That guy's gone.
They're looking real good. They can make a Protect Our Parks AI three hours long.
Is that real? I was going to say changed it. Is that legit?
Yeah, he made a hallelujah one. Another version. Of the same song.
Have we talked about that on this?
Which song, Brothers?
Oh, it is. So you just changed that part? Yeah, it's like that. It's how the melody goes. You got to leave it. Oh, okay.
Google if it's number two in Israel. I swear I heard that on Spotify. Wait, they changed the Heil Hitler song to the Hallelujah song?
Yeah. So they could do NBA commercials. It's not as good anymore. No. Everybody forgets Let's Get Retarded in here. That's a clear shift of when things change.
It's the beginning of the end over there.
Yeah, but that's the thrill of it.
Don't peek in your head. There's something hot about the maid in the room.
If it's greasy, it makes it easy.
Wait, he was gay? Oh, yeah. What? Get out of here.
Yeah. Right. You could make that hit.
Yeah. That's fun.
Just like a metaphor.
The psycho, Anthony Perkis.
Yeah, Tom Cruise.
Well, he's got to fly off a mountain just to not blow a guy. He's a grandfather anyway.
He played a Mohican.
He's exploring.
You're watching fucking Bluey? Yeah, you're watching Cocoa Melon?
Half deer? What? Yeah, I know what that is.
I've never heard of this.
It's a little post-apocalyptic.
Yeah, where, like, humans and animals started merging.
Yeah, it's a cool idea.
It's not really a kid show. DC Comics, I don't know. What the fuck?
Fair. I'll give it another go.
He's a really good shot.
Oh, shit. You've got to chill with them for a minute. But you're still handcuffed to them. It's like when those guys fuck the Siamese twin, and they're like, well, it's only one asshole.
Unreasonable. It was a car accident. Now it's like.
It's staying in my apartment. Like a werewolf. Yeah. It's like a honey badger. That's so crazy. People say a lynx is loose. I mean, that thing's jumping up the stairs. It's...
Yikes. You could bleed in the brain. Didn't need the whole thing. That's perfect.
Once they get out, they go hard. They go hard. Fake tits, they go in.
It's a hot meat glove. In there. It's designed for that.
Eh, I think they would learn it. Easy language to learn.
Is it? Unreal. It's like otherworldly. It's glaciers. It's volcanoes. It's saunas and hot springs. And they all speak English. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Wow. For sure. It was great. No minorities. Deep in the town, they do Viking songs.
Big dudes out there.
It's called Irish. Yeah, me and my whole island that I came from. I did Belfast. It's wild. You can't bring up the whole, you know. Yeah, the Troubles. Yeah, the Troubles, which is a cute name. You can't bring it up.
You got to be convincing. Wrap it up. Cover the head.
Go get that one. Damn. And so he gets over.
Look at that. They fall off the roof.
I've seen dogs do that. Wait, dogs what? Dogs have the same thing. Locked dicks. Oh, really?
How do they get unstuck? They got to go back to the right position?
Oh, my God. Wait till what? Wait till the dick goes soft. Damn.
Yeah, there's a twist on this. There's a shown twist on this video. What happens?
Same with chick with dick. You're like, eh, good tits. The balls are a problem.
I saved you. It's back.
The debt is owed.
Just follow something.
Right. That's easy. So glad I don't have a gambling addiction. Shady times.
All right, one more level, one more level.
It's Westworld.
Make the average eight.
But I think the dick size you have makes you who you are.
Every school shooter looks like Michael Moore. Thomas Matthew Crooks had a huge hog.
Who's that? The guy who shot Trump. Did he?
Huge hog. The kid?
Oh, it's all over the 4chan. Sucked him off on the roof. That's why he couldn't get away.
You're like, Jesus.
Yeah, the huge dong is a game changer. It's like when you see your friend playing the piano, you're like, wait, where'd this come from?
Wow. He was like a really good tennis player. 1200th in the world. Oh, yeah. Which doesn't sound good, but it's pretty good. How about Rich Voss? It's pretty good.
Boss fucking rules.
Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. His drug stories. Broke his rib?
Really? Yeah, at the Caroline's Christmas party.
He's a funny guy.
Wow. Oh, God. What did he say to proceed that?
Okay, here, one.
That's where I was.
A lot of your people down there.
She's lucky he got out with the song because he would have killed her.
We did the Boston Comedy Fest, and we were all in the finals, and we were like, all right, whoever wins, because the pot was 10 grand, which was enormous at that level. Yeah. And we were like, whoever wins, we'll split it up this way, that way.
It was that year.
We're all hungover and drinking. This little Indian kid.
Sure, sure. Yep, yep. It's funny how a room has a feel. Like the OR in the store has such a weird feel. Yeah.
I grew up doing this shit. Every man wants to have fun.
But you're just weird-looking enough where you're like, yeah, he does look kind of fucked up.
It's bloody shit.
I won't sleep. Anyway, let's talk more about this. You have a hard time sleeping? If I have too much of this. Same. Damn, that's hilarious. I'm on the pills. You're on what pills? Sleeping pills. Oh, no. Which ones? You've got to get on boner pills. They're way better.
I've missed him every fucking night.
And not only were they great times. How do you pull those in? I'm so glad they weren't filmed. Can you imagine if we had all that shit on film from taking a dump in your mouth?
I've taken that shit. Give that a good.
Puke in the hallway. It'll get it all out.
That means you did it right.
The main room. Yeah.
First dick he saw.
People always ask that. And it is the same. Well, they're not blaring techno and all this shit. Yeah, it's dark and you drink. Yes, like you should. A couple old Guinness signs. It's like Ireland.
I mean, it's got to be worth a ton of money.
$7,800. $7,700.
Damn. See what I mean?
Yeah, someone with visual war crimes.
I will never actually get in shape.
I mean, it looks good. That's badass.
Outside his racquetball court.
He had a separate house for racquetball.
Yeah, he couldn't sleep, so he started playing racquetball, and he called a guy at 3 a.m., like, got to come play with me.
And he was like, I got to take a dump, and there it was.
Damn. Panette. And he wasn't that old. Yeah, what is he there, 40? It's funny we call him that. He looks better than me. Look at this. Well, compared to how hot he was. He was like a hot guy.
He was like the first black white guy. Is that the general? Yeah. You know, he was like the first wigger. Is that the general right there?
It's also, you go to his house, it's not that big. Oh, right. Like, your house is probably the same size as Elvis'. No, it's pretty much. His house is bigger. Come on, man. Who?
Oh, okay. That's what I'm saying. Come over and watch me do a little jiu-jitsu.
I was going to say, you see a little bow-wow. I know. He's got a suburban house. It's just a house in the burbs.
All over his bed, just standing up. Wow, that's a credit.
He spanked the girls, too. Every episode. Turn your dogs trans.
Jamie's still pissed about that.
He did my podcast recently, and it's like 1 p.m. He gets hammered, and then he's like, what are we doing? And we're like, we got to do another one. And he was like, what? Yeah. I thought we were hanging out all day. And he was pissed. I get it.
This looks like it's about to be some Sam Hyde stuff. No, it's like a TV show they made.
It's not an arm punch. Do you have a head kick? He opened up with a head kick. He just spun and kicked him. It was like this guy was a nice Denver resident. Oh, Jesus Christ. Didn't know what he was getting into. You never know who knows that jujitsu shit now.
Yeah. He spun around? He spun around.
Take your shirt off like Hulk Hogan. That's fun. Start comedy.
The day's over. That's it.
Those days were fun back when you had all the time in the world. You had nothing to do, no pod. My family went away for a week.
Damn. Yeah. He'd be like, yeah.
That new Rock movie looks fun. Oh, the smashing machine?
He has the left. He won't do it.
What'd you win? You beat Michigan? No, we won the national championship.
I think Poirier's fighting again.
The gout's coming for us. When I heard the calls for fatties, isn't it? No, no.
Barbecue and beer?
Meat? It's the king's disease. Yes. Meat?
Fucking red meat? This sounds like nonsense.
That's the one that's going to get it.
That's fucked, right?
And we're getting a steak tonight. You have to drink it all day.
Now's a new strain. You see that? Of what? COVID. Come on. You're lying. It's a new one coming out of China. It's always a new strain. You're lying. It's a new release.
That's a person who's bred to be a scientist.
Those were dark days. I remember nothing was going to end.
Bye, Bodega Cat. He's got his 29 year old metabolism.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's not like I'm not alcohol.
And then you regret it. No, no. You regret it the next day, but you're like.
He had no money. He never had money. Winnie? Wimpy? Yeah, Wimpy. Who the fuck is this? Wimpy's Burgers. Oh, Wimpy's big. He's just a guy addicted to burgers? Yeah. He was a comic. He died. He died from burgers? Yeah. Five guys killed him. Fucking assholes. I know.
It was $20 on Airbnb because nobody was traveling. You went to North Carolina, right? Didn't you have time to just sit in it, though? No, I was drinking at the beach.
They had to be like, we're going to do something wild. Of course. He's not even in character.
Well, have you seen her now? She died. Oh, she did? She died?
It was on the thread.
You're riding, Jamie. Girls like it warm.
I started watching football. I don't approve of the CTE.
Who moves up to CTE? UFC guys are fucking even. I know, listen.
Gotta make us tackle. Damn it. He got you there.
Look at that catch. That's fucking beautiful.
Listen to this. I watched this, Todd.
Hold on. Before you press play on that. I also don't trust this. That guy with the fishing hat is not a reliable news source.
And then he's trying to blame the Annenberg Foundation. That is one of the richest fucking families in California. They're worth so much fucking money.
Just play it. We'll talk later.
They're for their own profit. Well, it's just a loophole.
Right, that's for all charities.
He's comparing you with this stuff. He's like, I'll pick a charity. He picked probably one of the worst ones. We've gone over the charity stuff many times. There's good and bad charities.
And you have to go collect it all. You don't know if they all send it in.
I know. Sigari Shafir.
Man, I got to look into this CRISPR. I never heard of it. I got to do it. Is it too late for us? I think it's too late.
But in the future. For us, yeah. We're fucked. Damn it.
What does that mean?
That seems like a problem.
Who did it? Stairs? That is so ridiculous. But who is he debating? He thinks he was... What do you mean? He debated him in 2020. Oh, he debated a different guy.
You know those little cubes?
Now you're talking my language. The Pittsburgh salad.
It's just fries with some lettuce on top. It's like, Oh, wow. That's fun. Pittsburgh people are fat. Pittsburgh's fucking rules. That's a great city. Underrated city.
Damn. That's weird.
Very good. Good soulful song.
I heard he was at Terry Black's.
Help me! Help me!
Help! Molested with headlines.
Oh, yeah, that's it. When they put up the Epstein files, he's the guy who reads the 60,000 pages. Oh, yeah, instantaneously.
The emcee did an hour?
Oh, yeah. Well, he's got that beautiful face. He's shiny. He looks new. He looks very.
This guy, why does the guy who lives forever have to be annoying? You know, if the guy's going to live forever, you'd like him to be fun. I know, dude. Why couldn't the guy that lives forever be? Like John Daly to live forever, you know? Yeah. Although he'll die tomorrow.
Oh, shit. Damn, they're stealing everything from us.
Yeah, I saw a couple of porkers in there on the last few years.
Right, right. You got to be inclusive. Yeah. So you got to get the wheelchair hooter. You got to get the downsy hooter.
Yeah, it's a tough time. It's the end of an era, but we still got Twin Peaks. Ooh. Just a sleeper that they just kept low and didn't talk, and now they're still around.
Clean. They're like the Kieran Culkin. Yeah. Macaulay's gone. He was hot for a while, but now Kieran's taking over. We got to go to Beijing. God, dude. I got to be honest. I never felt comfortable at a Hooters. Like, I like tits. I like wings. But I felt weird. It's just some girl named Stacy who's trying to make a few bucks. And I'm like, can I look at her? Can I not look at her?
Doing it with Kid Rock. So that'll be, I'm going to try to, I'm going to really sing him. That's the only way I can get to him. Cause if I do it at his house, he'll, you know, sick his security guards on me and call me the N word.
Yes, yes. And then am I supposed to ogle you? Am I a creep? I never know what to do.
Exactly. And then do I tip you by putting the money in your G-string? Like a strip club, at least you know. We're all here to see tits and ass. Everybody's on board.
And then if you go, sometimes you go with a girl like you'd be at a work work lunch and the whole gang would go. You're like, well, I got this lady here. She's in H.R. and she's fat. Now we got the hot blonde. And the whole thing is awkward. Yeah. And then you try to make it equal. You're like, oh, well, they should have a place called Nuts that we could take you, Shelly. Yeah.
She's like, I'm good.
Hell yeah. That's awesome. Man, he's like a superhero, this guy.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Who's a fun woman?
Oh, Paula Deen. Yeah. That's a good one. Boy, there's going to be a lot of N-word in that kitchen. Oh, dude. Look, dude. Maybe we should throw a black guy in just to even it out a little bit.
We need a good black. Maybe. Oh, hold on. Kanye. Kanye. Oh, that'll really shake things up. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. So he'll be he'll be wearing the Klan hood, ironically.
I mean, did FUBU make that? I mean, that's that's our thing.
I mean, it's so weird because Elon's trying to tell everybody, hey, I'm not a Nazi. And he's like, no, no, I am a Nazi.
Was it a black lab? I hope.
I mean, did you ever think you'd see this many swastikas in 2020? The whole world's gone batshit.
Yes. But now you're drawing swastikas. So these poor Jews are like, oh, well, that means fuck me. I know you're mad at that guy, but what about me?
Black labs matter. Of course it is, dude.
Oh, geez. This is too much. That's what I'm saying. It's just so many layers.
Exactly. You know, I mean, we're buying Greenland, Gulf of America. Canada's mad at us. Beyonce's doing country. Everything's topsy turvy. Alec Baldwin shot a lady. I mean, I can't keep up with all the shit.
It is. It is. It's the best of time and the worst of time. But you could open X and you're just like, holy fuck my ass. This is crazy. Yeah, dude. And that's, yeah. X is like a portal to like crazy town. You're just shitting like, oh, that's a bear attack, a race riot.
Just a tweet. Just a tweet.
I can't resist that.
You got me, clickbait. Yeah, huh? Did you see that Bill Burr thing where he yelled at the reporter? Oh, pull this up if you can. I mean, this was so cool. This is why I love Bill. He's on a red carpet for some thing, and a reporter's trying to get him to say controversial shit, and he calls him out.
That's where they make sickle cell.
But, yeah, it's so cool because he's like, you're trying to get me to say shit so you can get clicks. You guys report. Stop putting it all on me. I can get in trouble now and go viral for some ignorant shit I said.
Yeah, well, we're so divided now that if you say this opinion, the other side attacks you. If you say that opinion, that side attacks you. So the newspapers want to sell clicks or whatever. So they're just like, we'll go down the middle. We got to keep everybody. You say the fucked up shit. We'll report about it.
Oh, yeah. What is it, the Bridgestone? Oh, yeah. Yeah, very exciting. I feel like Nate Bargatze.
Is that right? I thought people were – I guess it's mostly internet people.
That's big, man. No, no, I've done arena shows, but I've never done, like, a panel with jokes and zingers, and that's going to be weird, just making fun of these poor open micers in front of 20,000 people.
Yeah, I'm working on a web series. I'm trying to sell it, but it's called Page to Stage. Page to Stage? Yeah, like you come up with a bit idea, and then you go up at Zany's and work it out, and it's clunky, and then you work it out again and again and again, and then eventually you crack it, and now you're doing it at an arena. That's the show.
So it shows the comic thinking of a bit and then struggling with it and then eventually figuring it out and killing with it.
Yeah, we've done a couple episodes already. And this is episode one.
I'm bombing all day long.
Oh, this is great, man. Oh, thanks. I can't believe this has never been done.
That's insane. I mean, it's like losing your virginity to Pamela Anderson. Well, that's a dated. Who's the new hot lady?
Yes, exactly. Like me and Sam Murill or Chris DiStefano, we'll sit at the cellar and chop it up and try to figure out where the funny is and what angle to go with.
Oh, yeah. It's comedy college over there. It's chefs.
Yes, yes, exactly. We're down here selling hooters to fucking people. Yeah, but this is fun. This is fun as hell, though. I love Nashville. I mean, you got the Zanies has opened another room. I mean, you guys are cooking.
Great room. So yeah, and each episode will be a different kind. I do the first one, then it'll be, you know, Ronnie Chang and Michelle Wolfe and Shane.
Yeah, yeah. Each one is a different comic. Okay, got it. So you could do one if you wanted or whoever.
Ooh, I like that. I mean, that mothership, you can't beat that room.
Right, right, right. Edward Jones.
Good intentions, but bad message. Yeah. Bad title. Yeah. It's like save the whales, but you're talking about fat people. Yeah. No, but, yeah, I mean, Austin's fun because when you're working on new shit, you've got to be able to bounce around. You can't just do one set every now and then.
No, it's Rihanna. Who do the kids like? Oh, Sydney Sweeney. That's a good one. Look at the tits on Dickless. Oh, wow. Holy hotchy-motchy.
You know, they say when you lift weights, the one where you're like, ah, and you can't get it up, that's the one that matters the most. And it's the same with comedy, I think. When you're working on that new one and you don't want to say it and it's not really working, that's when you find it, when you just push it.
Aren't you glad those days? I would hate to just start now. I mean, we're 20 years in or whatever the fuck. I used to watch you at open mics at fucking Lucy's Surfer Bar in New Orleans. You too, dude. Yeah, you were the guy. You had a hot girlfriend. You had some money. You had a cool haircut. I didn't. Well, I did have a very cute girlfriend. Oh, I still remember her.
I think about her all the time.
Yeah, that was really something. No one had a hot girlfriend back then. We were all losers in Louisiana.
That was not a care in the world. There was no phones. We got to get a clip. There was no video shit. It was just for the love of the game.
Thank you. Thank you.
Eh, say nice yams, bitch. Oh, yeah, that's true, dude. I think she wants that.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
That guy looks like an ugly me. Oh, man, I feel great.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, right? Yeah, he looks like an Uber driver.
Yeah, that's a lot to compact in there.
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Yeah, it's like trying to get leaves in a bag. Wow. Look, that is a lovely, lovely lady. It's good to know that a blonde with huge cans, that's back.
Ooh, yeah, good. They're all gay now.
Yeah, but it's got more impact.
I haven't seen a bat like that since the wet market.
I don't know if that's a loophole, but yeah.
Oh, man. What a run he had. I know. And he looked crazy, too. He was like a superhuman.
Mark McGuire. Yeah. Him, too. You could see it. He's pink.
Well, women really got screwed because like they couldn't really make a lot of money back then. So they needed a guy who had a house and a car and a job. So like they had to be nice and play ball.
That's true. Yeah, it all comes out. That's fucking – what do you call that? Oh, what's the word when they can't vote? Suppression? No. There's a word when they can't vote. We'll get it right. Voter suppression. Something like that. Yeah. Suffrage? Suffrage.
It was like the windshield wipe squirter. You know, you clean the window. Oh, dude, yeah. Yeah, I had a lady. It was like a fire hydrant in a black neighborhood. I mean, she would just stand up, and it would gush. It was a great time. I loved it. I mean, my bed was ruined.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love a squirt because with a female orgasm, there's not really a lot of proof. Right. So it's nice to get some results. Oh, yeah. That's David Slopperfield on me, that thing.
Good Lord. Where's she connecting? In Transville? I know, dude. Yeah. That's crazy.
Yeah, squirting Ernie. And sometimes you can't turn them off, dude. No, no.
Yeah, yeah. It really is, dude. Tickle me elbow. But sometimes you're like, enough, you got to put a cork in there or an old rag. Oh, dude, it's crazy. Oh, bro, you'd have to put siding on your bed. You need a gutter on the side of your bed just to get some runoff. You got to clean the leaves out every year, but still.
What's even going on here? Yeah, you need rain boots.
Yeah, they're all gay now. They used to be very attractive. It's like these sky homos. They've taken over the air. Yeah, dude.
I mean, hey, no pressure. I don't want to be one of those kid guys. You're like, you got to do it. Change your life. Super meaningful. I'm not doing that. I'm just saying, you'd be a good dad.
Sure. Man about town. I like to paint it red. But I don't know. I just was getting older and I knew I wanted kids. And then you start doing the math. You're like, all right, if I have a kid at 50, by the time he's 10, I'll be 60. You had an old dad.
You know, it's tough on a kid. It's tough. And I heard Bill Burr say, not to bring him up again, but he was like, I should have done this 10 years earlier. And I heard that, and I was like, oh, shit, maybe I should do it now.
People are having kids at fucking 45. Like Schultz just had a kid. He's 41. Is he? Yeah. He looks great. Oh, he's a sexy, sexy man. Definitely. He looks like an old bullfighter or something.
Oh, yeah. It's so beautiful. The Beacon Theater is killer, and the way he starts it with that montage, you get choked up. I thought it was really, really amazing.
human child i mean it'll get taken away at some point but for now let it ride god probably from ice or whatever yeah yeah there it is wow wow what sad news source reported on that may planner gives birth to her first child with mark norman look at that fat little nugget there it's got a bad hairline already wow very much has that kevin from the office look yeah yeah
Oh, I love a goldfish.
She killed it. Yeah, she looked good the whole time, and she did the old C-sect so the clam is intact. Yeah.
Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Still oyster shucking. But, yeah, you really get all mushy with the thing.
Uh, like negative and always looking at the bad, not the good. I think something like that.
Who are you talking to here?
Come on. I thought that was you. I'm autism.
yeah and so was that kind of did that come into play at all do you notice that part of you come in and you almost have to stop it like yes yes but with the baby you can't help it like you're talking baby talk and you're just like gushing with love and you pour it right on them and you feel it and you go fuck it i'm doing it anyway i'm letting go i'm gonna love this kid
Exactly. No place straighter than Cincinnati. That is a straight town right there. It is, dude. They eat chili and watch football. But wait, hold on. You said something. Oh, you ever get flattered by the gay love? Yeah. That is very nice when a gay guy is like, hey, cutie, or whatever, and you're like, eh, this is pretty good.
Super real. I mean, that came out of your ball bag and her stomach. I mean, the whole thing is it's surreal that you made this thing.
And it's going to grow up and have a personality and, you know, weird addictions and, you know, thoughts on races. And that's all going to form right there in his little noggin. God. It's fascinating.
It's super different. Like the baby becomes the priority. So you start to forget about each other. You know, it just becomes like, all right, I'll take them for this moment. You take them for that moment. You feed them. Did you, did you put them down? How's that going? So it turns into scheduling and very like calculated almost. So you got to stay lovey. You got to stay a couple.
And so it's kind of like the two of you versus the baby. And you become a team, but you've got to make the team fun. You can't just go all in on logistics. You've got to still be cuddly and sexy and all that shit and fun.
I think it was six weeks. So we did like six weeks and a day before I went. And I jizzed in her on accident. I was like, what am I doing? I'm an idiot. This is how the Jackson 5 started, you know. Why would you do that?
i was i was i had been so long and i lasted like eight seconds and uh i couldn't pull out it felt good at that warm meat pocket so i dude you knew what just happened there i know i know i'm an idiot but i hope hopefully she's barren at this point but that's like go it's like like walking out of a burning building right and going into another one and then yeah hold on and then
I know. I couldn't help it. And she was like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, you're right.
I think I was partying. I let loose too much. I'm an idiot. But I'm just lucky we had a kid the normal way, the old-fashioned way. Everyone else is doing the IVF and adopting and all that, so... Yeah.
Hold on. Anyone else hard? God, bro. Jesus. Just the article.
Yeah, of course. But the baby just got off on the wrong exit. They don't have GPS.
I guess so, yeah. Avoid the boom boom and go with the clam clam. Come on, God, dude. That's crazy, man. That is crazy. It's weird how close they are. Isn't that weird? The butthole and the vagina, they're like an inch apart. Put them further apart. What are we doing here? It's like Israel and Palestine. It's two arch enemies living right next door to each other. That's ridiculous, dude.
And the Gaza Strip right in the middle.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. Is it really? It's real. I mean, Columbia University is a hotbed of controversy, and they deported that guy, whatever his name, Mohammed Falafelface. And, yeah, it's rough.
Bring that guy up. Is that right? Oh, I didn't hear about the old PETA.
I mean, I believe it. That shawarma is missing.
I will say to be a Jewish guy around this has got to be awkward. I feel like there's a lot of anti-Semitism hurled at them and no one seems to give a shit. Like if you make black comments, it's like it's a bad – it's national news. But I don't think anyone really gives a shit about the Jew feelings.
Oh, you get the male attention and flirty.
They don't get the oppression points that other groups get. That's a good point.
Yes, yes, exactly. And there's so much nuance here too that people forget. It's just good versus evil, but there's complex shit going on here. It's a lot of layers. We want to just put black and white, but it's –
Yeah, yeah, like an initiation where they spray an air horn on you or hit you with a fire extinguisher. Yeah, yeah.
Right. Good point. And he could blow the fucking chrome off your trailer hitch.
Right. Tell us anything. We're all in the dark here. Everything's going over our yarmulke. I don't know what's happening.
Yes. And you pick a side and that's it. It's just, fuck that side. We're left in the dark. Light a menorah. Get some light in here.
You know, it's like... Oh, it is nine. Shit, my bad. Well done. Labia minora. They snuck one in. Yeah, they always do. Yeah.
He'll get laid off this, though. He's got some deported pussy.
Who's they? Israel? Israel. Oh, boy, you're obsessed with Gaza. This is really taking over a lot of your brain.
Oh, yeah, that'll get you, man.
I'm already getting a layover. I'm gay over.
I got scared. Yeah, holy shit. But that shit will make you sad. Don't let it in.
I know. I know. They won't tell us. They think we can't handle it. But this is way worse. Now we're all killing each other and fighting in the streets.
No, I'm with you 100%. We don't know what's going on. It's like the drones. We had all these drones in New York, and everybody's like, is it weapons? Is it China? Is it this? And we're like, just tell us so we can go to fucking lunch and not freak out every day. I just told my niece that was Santa.
Yeah, that's a service.
Yeah, Black Olives Matter. Yeah. I don't know. Do black people go Papa John? What's the pizza of John? I thought they were more of a Domino's group.
Interesting. You got Boo Boo.
Right, right. Yeah, that's a good question. They like to play dominoes. Or maybe that's Puerto Ricans.
Yes. They're out there. We just got to blow them up.
Okay, Slim and Huskies.
Hey, we're saving their day. Go to Slim and Huskies. Get a fucking pie from these guys.
That's it. Yeah, but my buddy, John Laster, he has a thing called Blap, and it's a black app. It's like an app for black-owned businesses. Really? So, yeah, that's something. Get that shit. Yeah, go to Blap.
I mean they had to. I think they got pushed around. So they're like, we got to start our own shit. We got to start law firms and real estate and diamonds. Yeah.
I completely agree. I mean, I'm circumcised. So there you go. We took that from them.
Are you cut? Dun, dun, dun. Oh, baby.
Call in if you fuck Theo.
You could feel it. It's there. Remember how like BLM you could feel in 2020 or whatever that was? You could just kind of feel it. There was an energy. It's that in New York with Jew Palestine.
Sure, sure. But it's an interesting group because they're cloaked in whiteness. So you can't really tell. It's the only group you don't like Asians. You can you can kind of eyeball it. Yeah. You know what I mean? But Jews, it's it's just like a white guy.
Woo! Easy, big fella. Sorry, that is crazy. Anyone else hard? That seems crazy. You're going to make Morgan Wallen uncomfortable. That's true. Oh, man. Yeah, it's got to be nice to be the gay. What about Glory Hole? Is that real?
Yeah. I mean, again, an Ari Shaffir. That's like Jewish propaganda. I mean, that's a mug.
It's a lot of work because you got to go out and run that. It's 10 minutes of awkward, weird. Hey, is this where the story should go? And how do I end it? But you got to do it.
That was that blew up. I mean, people really connected with that.
Isn't that crazy? Yeah, I got a lick once, but I hurt myself. I, like, pulled a muscle.
Oh, that's the craziest, though, dude. You asked Trump about Coke. Was that – give it to me straight. I've known you for a while. How scary was it having him right next to you? Well, I'd seen him at UFC fights. I know, but this is like face-to-face podcasting conversation.
So yeah, there's the lines are blurred. He used to be like celebrity knots. Now it's just, everybody's in there.
Right. Right. Well, you talk to Shalamu. I mean, he's like one of the biggest actors in the world. You're just hanging out with him.
Yeah. And he's plowing Kendall, which has got to be, or Kylie. It's got to be a good time.
Shut the fuck up. Yeah. How did I miss that? I went there for a semester.
Yeah. Yeah. Interesting.
Yes, yes. And those are the most sane guys, by the way. Yeah. By the way, you see that Adam Carolla went on some rant where he's like, We hate dudes, but who do you think is fixing the LA fires? It's just a bunch of dudes getting in there and getting their hands dirty and building shit. He's got a point. That's what's so annoying about politics. That's why I can't pick a side.
Gavin Newsom's got a pocket. He's talking to Steve Bannon. He's like, yeah, these trans are crazy. And he's like, we've got too many regulations in California. We're like, you're the guy. You're the governor. You make the rules, Dickless.
Yeah, yeah. That's true. It used to feel like we knew. And whether we were right or wrong or just being fed like sheep, you still knew where to go even if we were wrong. You knew what America stood for or whatever the fuck.
It is. It is. And I think the cracks are opening up because the Internet and everybody's talking and Sometimes there's too many people talking, but you can kind of start to see the bullshit a little more now. There's more light on it.
That's one good thing about a kid. It just, you focus. You're not thinking about Twitter. You're not thinking about this. You're just like, ah, this kid has got a shit diaper, and I got to change it, and that's it. Really? Oh, yeah. So it kind of just... It makes – you got one problem. You don't have a million problems. Yeah. It's just get this kid to not have Down syndrome.
I think pretty early. That's why you see less of them now. I think people are nipping that in the bud. I know. It's sad because you like seeing one every now and then.
Damn, you could even look through there if you wanted to, which is nice.
Oh, good for her. This is like the Jackie Robinson of Downs. Oh, yeah, dude. Good for her. Um... Oh, yeah, that's it. I mean, I don't know. The moment has passed, but yeah. I'll play it. He goes on a hell of a rant. Does he?
Yeah, you just got to trust the hole. You got to go with it. Whatever comes through, you got to eat it.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
That's a great point. Yeah. And you never know who's on the other side. Could be your teacher, your brother, your pastor. I mean, that's a real gamble.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Yeah, but what about lesbians? They don't have any way to glory. You can't get a clit through that wood girth.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, Brittany Griner could get something through that hole. Oh, damn. That's what put her in jail in Russia, I heard. Have you seen her lately? She looks like Pete Davidson.
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It's a great whiskey. We taste tested a million of them. We've had like experts try it and they like it. We got it at the comedy store, the comedy cellar. I mean, it's all over. Really? Oh, yeah. Coast to coast.
You can have it straight up. It's got a nice spice to it, or you can put soda water or Coke or whatever the hell. Bad decisions, mix it up. Bodega cat, dude. I want to see you guys win with this. We're trying. We want to retire on this puppy, and people seem to like it when they try it, so... Get a bottle. I love that. And this is you and? Sam Murill. Oh, that's hilarious, dude.
Yeah, just a couple of old pals. We feel like you're sober now. Everybody got sober on us, so we're like the last men barely standing. You know, we're hunched over. Yeah, Shane, but he's a beer guy. Yeah, he is. So we like the liquor. So like Dan Soder, Joe List, all these guys, they got sober. Bert's out there.
Yes, one small step for alcoholism.
The second time. Second time. Asian. St. Tammany Parish. Yeah, that AI is going to take over.
Yeah, she looks like Deuteronomy.
But does it look like a Walmart card or like a Costco? It's got to look cool. Ah, damn. It looks Chinese. That's like Mao.
Well, I feel like if you've got $5 million to throw away to get into America, you want to get here. And you're not like a poor guy.
So you're probably doing all right. So, yeah, bring them in.
Oh, good question. You hope so. You can't just buy your way in. You've got to still do the homework.
Oh, my God. But you're already in. You don't need one.
Yeah, and you can frame that bitch. I'm staying in, Mom. You could use that at every bar. Hey, you want my ID? Goldie. Suck it.
Sidney Sweeney could sell a few of those to her box. I'll tell you that. God, dude.
Hell yeah. Well, I love Nashville. I love this town. We did the Ryman last night. We did Zany's after that. Drop your mic down a little bit. Oh, sorry. Went to Kid Rock's house. It was a wild night. You did?
I know. I got to get my shit together. Mark. Yeah, I'm an idiot. We'll see what happens. She's very fertile. Is she? Oh, yeah. Fertile Myrtle over here. God. You could throw a... I've never done that.
Boy, you got good willpower. Even when you were drinking?
Yeah, that's some big moves.
Well, we used to not have income tax in America back in the day.
That came up later.
Oh, and we could use it. I mean, eggs are $9 million now.
Is that a joke? Oh, how do you carry that in? I mean, fentanyl, at least you can throw it in a car tire or something. But eggs, you got to really. You got to hide that.
Yeah, we were just out with Tony, and Tony's like, I got a surprise for you. We jump in a car, we drive a half hour, and then bam. We did it. Yeah, exactly. And what a home.
Well, at least fentanyl is going down.
Of course, of course. You can just shake a guy and then watch it run down his leg. Yeah. We got to get a chicken. What are we doing? Just get your own chicken. You'll be like, it's like growing your own weed now. Yeah, it really is, dude.
That thing's got to go, man. And then you wonder, do the chickens know about the egg prices? They'd probably feel pretty good about themselves. Like, damn, I'm shitting out gold here.
Exactly. Bacock. And now Hooters is gone, so they're not getting chopped up for the wings. Chickens are living the dream.
Look at that. Oh, shit. I didn't even realize that. That's crazy.
Yeah, that was a great Hooters. God, it was pretty good over there. Oh, yeah, but if RFK saw us eating that, he'd shit the bed.
We do need better food. I think a lot of people get mad about RFK, but I'm like, we are sick, we are fat, we are obese, and we pay the most in health care, and we're the least healthy.
Sure. I can't really fix that.
Right. But if you yell the N-word, you better run fast. You got to get the hell out of there.
Oh, boy. I feel like we covered a lot. We did. We totally did. You got to ask out Sydney Sweeney. That could be your next kid. Could be a Sweeney.
Yeah, but I think she's heard it all. I mean, imagine the fucking creepos DMing her. That's a good point.
Well, but you're a nice guy. You're successful. You're funny. She's going to be upset, though. But we're just joking. Yeah, of course. We're joking, you know.
Oh, nice. Yeah. Two is good. And three is bananas. It is. I mean, they upped it.
It was just him and like a security guy.
It's naughty. It's dark. And don't watch it with your parents. I'll just say that.
Tuesdays with stories, and we might be drunk. Those are the pods. Yeah, I still got to fucking come up there, man. We'd love to have you. It's an open invite anytime. I owe you, man. I know you're a busy queef. What about Luigi? I heard he's going to the death chair. Mangione? Yeah. Uh-uh. Oh, yeah.
And maybe a slave. I mean, it felt like it. Big, jacked, scary, like Marine-looking guy.
I heard he's getting the death penalty. Maybe I'm wrong. But, yeah, look at that guy.
The irony. Well, it sucks that he did this. You know, you shouldn't go around killing people. But it didn't change anything. That's the worst part.
Oh, yeah. That and the JFK. That just kind of went away.
Yeah, and they can't be like, today's the day. It's coming out. And you're like, well, what are you doing to me?
No, they're edging us with this list. Yeah.
That's got to be it. It's leverage.
Well, we got Ghislaine. She's just sitting in a jail cell. Let's talk to that broad. Who is it? Ghislaine Maxwell. She did all the recruiting.
The portal. Yeah, she's around. We can talk to her, but no. That's a good point.
I think she's sitting in a jail cell, living it up.
That's it. Every day is Clue. It's the school shooter in the homeroom with the AK.
Always, always. I feel like we got one Super Bowl win in 2010, and it's all downhill. But we had the Super Bowl in New Orleans. It looked fucking amazing. Did you go? No. It killed me. I was texting Gillis. I was texting Bert. I had so much FOMO because we're from there. We should have been there. The city was alive. We should have been there. I just had a kid, so I couldn't leave.
Yeah, two months. Wow. Crazy.
I do. He's in the car right now. You're lying. No, no. But, yeah, he's— God, order him a coffee or something.
No, no. Everybody's got a kid. Retards and crackheads have kids. It's not that big of a deal.
Well, I got lucky. Me and the lady, we had the kid on the way, so we moved to Brooklyn. We got a backyard. We got some space. So that helps. Okay. But I like New York.
It's on Punch-Up Live, which is like a paywall kind of thing. So go to punchuplive.com, page to stage.
That's hilarious. Is it? I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. You need some cash out there if you're going to buy a little dreidel, some knickknacks.
It's got to have one or at least a glory hole. Yeah, definitely, dude. Get that no foreskin through there.
It just takes money from Palestinians. It's not even your account. Yeah, dude. That's crazy. Holy moly. That's hilarious.
Yeah, I'm very excited. Going to London, going to Australia. I love those crowds. You do? Oh, yeah. I mean, the flight's a bitch and you get homesick and the jet lag's a real cum guzzler, but I love Australia. I'm pumped.
Yeah, I think so. Oh, Reykjavik. Yeah, it looks like somebody's texting with T9. Look at those vowels and consonants.
Yeah, get a Glasgow smile. That's where they cut you from here to here. Get a Glasgow smile. Terrifying. Those Scots are really scary.
Yeah, yeah. Doing the whole gamut. Just taking a train from top to bottom. It's kind of shitty because you don't get to see anything. You just do the show and then you leave. But the crowds are great and it's a fun time. You have a couple days off. A couple days off, yeah, not much. But I get so keyed up, I got to get back. So I just do the shows and I go home.
I know. I get that FOMO. I'm like, what's going on in America? You start looking at J.D. Vance memes. You're like, oh, I miss home. Yeah. He's fat putting Cheeto dust on a president.
Oh, that's fun. Look at that guy. I think he loves it, too, which is fun about him.
Oh, I bet he's seen all of them. I would just scroll through those at dinner if I was him.
yeah and look you can't do that with obama you know that's a that's a different meme if you know what i mean so uh it's good to have him be into it yeah i gotta see which ones he's into i think i would like to try and get to interview him again because now he's in there right and i bet it's weird in there well in the white house yeah oh yeah well you see kid rock over there dressed like a fucking fire firecracker salesman oh he was dressed like a fireman at a glory hole i
Look at that. He looks like he's selling used cars in Bristol, Tennessee.
John Hancock. Yeah. Yeah. Look at this. That is a wild. He's like a he's a Gatrian.
Right. What are we even doing? And this has got to scare the the foreigners. If I was a Chinese motherfucker and I saw that, I go, we can't fuck with them. Look at this guy. He's like a like an Avenger.
You think Zelinsky sees that and he's like, shit, I really didn't dress up. Holy, I dress like a ninja. Yeah.
The one that went down? Yeah. Yeah. Where do you even get that made? I mean, that's crazy.
Yeah. Well, the flights have been – I think they've picked it up a little bit, but we had some crazy flights for a while, like Upside Down and – Inside Out. Yeah.
What you really want?
I want some peanuts and an upright plane. Yeah, dude. It's a wacky time.
Matt Rife. He got it there.
yeah that was good i love when they try to get high flute with the sauce subway did that they're like hey we got chipotle and you're like this is pink mayo this is mayo with like a green thing it was kind of good though i loved it dude subway feels like is just like subway feels like a chick that was like a really hot freshman that showed up like senior year and it's just disgusting yeah what the fuck happened to subway i know his friend joe list got a sandwich his friend
He's my buddy. Our friend.
We looked it up.
Little column A, little column B. It's like when you find out the PS4 has Blu-ray, and you're like, oh. Oh, I sense Alec used this. You guys seen this controversy? What is this?
I remember when a one foot sandwich used to cost $5 in my day. Shut the fuck up. Wow. Subway sucks. It's gotten so bad. I used to eat it all the time. It's gotten so fucking bad.
A little early in the afternoon.
They're slaughtering some fucking poor animal in Taiji. They're like, enjoy this. It's 3,000 grams of sodium. It'll fucking kill you.
Yeah. I smell some downward dog cooch on my sandwich. Great. Someone had the thing. I went to an Indian restaurant the other day. It was Subway.
It might have been Gaffigan. It might have been Patton.
He said the turkey, they're like stingy with it, like it's money. They're like, all right, here's one, here's another.
That's such a good joke, dude. Oh, yeah. Goddamn.
What are they saying?
No, he had it with William Montgomery, that guy.
Who was the handicapped guy he had a thing with?
Yeah. No, I remember the one. The William Montgomery one, I got shit for walking off and people were like, oh, you couldn't, someone was like messaging me. I had a few people like, oh, you couldn't handle a smoke or something. He was yelling. I'm like, it was like two and a half hours into a show where they were serving me vodka or whiskey sodas by the pint glass. Right.
Maybe I have to pee at some point. Yeah, exactly. And it was like literally the point where I just whispered to Tony. I'm like, dude, I really gotta fucking pee. I've been holding it for like 30 minutes. I didn't, it's like, you think the show's wrapping up for a while.
And they're like, we have another guest. I'm like, I'm going to piss my pants.
He did Rogue and Ansegur that week, too.
I was there for part of it. I left at a certain point because I was like. You didn't come back? No, I came back. Maybe he was still there. I don't remember. I had a few in me. This guy was my favorite.
He fucking knew the Night Stalker, Richard Ramirez, and he was talking about it. He called him Richie at one point. I was like, Richie? You had a nickname for one of the most notorious fucking serial killers?
Yeah, it didn't seem that bad to me when I was there, but I did have to pee like a motherfucker.
Sorry. I just think he does this as part of the- This is his move. It's like his character. It's like wrestling. Yeah, exactly. He's turning on you as a joke. Yeah. But I was already kind of like, I think he just chose, he was going to probably attack from what I gather afterwards. Tony's like, oh, I forgot to tell you guys he does that. It's such a hilarious thing. Yeah.
It's like, I forgot to tell you my dog is rabid. Yeah. But he turns on one of the judges usually, and I was like, well, I guess he picked Chad. And then I was just like, too, thank God he picked Chad, because I don't want to bail mid-argument with a guy to pee.
Yeah, I was kind of like, they were just kind of going. I was like, I don't really know what to chime in. I was in there for a while. Like, all right. And then, you know.
What's the purpose of the photo?
Yeah, if you're going to, like, zing me or something, it's different.
But just the yelling, yeah. I wouldn't know what to do with it either, probably.
Well, you're like a yes-and type of guy.
He was very nice. But I think it's like a character.
That would be a great episode of Kill Tony. Comedian curb stomps open mic. You fucking bitch. Like, no, no, no.
Yeah, one of these fucking open micers maybe has a bad set and is just like, fuck it, I'm going down in flames.
Just takes off Harlan Williams' head or something.
Yeah, we got to get Greg on here. I love Greg. We tried to get him on, but we'll get him in like the next couple months probably.
I mean, so they're just like fake penises in there?
Even nice hotels have shitty beds. That's true. Even nice hotels. I'm like, can we get a decent pillow in here? I know, the pillows.
It's a fucking piece of paper. It's like, who sleeps on this shit?
One hotel should be like, we got the good pillows. Oh, yeah. Think all the business you're going to get. That's true. I mean, you stay in a bad hotel, those pillows will fucking kill you. I think for a minute, Weston was like, we have good pillows.
How you're supposed to sleep is on your back with a pillow. You really should be sleeping with three pillows if you talk to a specialist. You should have one under your knees here. You have one memory foam or something like that under your shoulders. And then on top of that, staggered, it should be your neck. So you should be sleeping on your back, but no one sleeps on their back. No one.
On my stomach. Really? Yeah. So I was, yeah, butt in the air just waiting to get railed. So wait, what do you mean?
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That's good stuff.
You have a drinking problem. How about that?
The world's a weird place these days.
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Yeah. Let me see. Let me see if you nail this. Yeah, that's how I sleep. Really? Yeah. Whoa. Not with the legs in the air like that, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's how I sleep. That's not bad. But with a pillow under too, so I'm like back here. So I think that's not great for your neck. Yeah. But think about it, man.
You're like on a fucking, like if I get acupuncture, dude, I will fall asleep on the table because I'm so comfortable. Oh, wow. Yeah.
Oh, all right.
Yeah, all night. Good for you. I fucking hate you for saying that.
No, I got a good one. I got a good one. Really? I like a good sleep mask. Just the thing.
No, you nailed it all. You know what's going on. That's the thing, too. It's like, you think about what was, like, taboo even 15 years ago. Like, can you imagine your dad find a DVD? Step-sister porn. We'll have kids someday, and we'll be like, you know. Chicks with dicks?
I bring a sleep mask on the road because you never know if you get one of those hotels that they don't have good blackout curtains. That's true.
She rolls. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. I never thought about that. I guess like, fuck, if I was a woman sleeping on my stomach, just going to fucking crush a baby.
Hell yeah. You ever fuck dangerous? You fuck her like by the staircase, but you don't put her down? I fuck her in the closet. I'm like, see that coat hanger?
Doesn't sound as good. We're not well.
Is the sex good pregnant? I mean, it must be funny. You're like fucking a different woman kind of. That's true, yeah.
This is, like, amazing.
God's like, she's going to look gross. Yeah. So? No, I think you're right. She's going to get really into it. Give that a go. No, there are dudes that are kind of into it, though. Like, she's got a little belly. Her tits are bigger.
Sounds like a fun Six Flags event.
You know what I saw? I saw a thing recently on the internet that was like, you know, men show up or something like this. It's like men will say they have a decent penis and show up with six inches. Uh-oh. If you're not satisfied at all with that, maybe it's you. Right. It's like saying a man will take you out to dinner and just get you an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert. Feeder.
She's limping, then she walks away normal like Kaiser Sosa.
Yeah, put that in your cooch and weigh it.
A medium. Yeah, that's right. It's funny. We're looking for small. Not too small because you don't want it to be like fucking like, you know, the whole time you're like, all right, it's not fucking. Once again, the answer is ladyboys.
You got a big presence about you, though. Yeah, you do. He also wears, like, the types of sweaters that, like, kind of, like, old-school manly men wear.
Oh, okay. The old show from 2004. I was like, holy shit, you guys are really going for it.
I've met your dad. It's so funny. He's so soft-spoken at the times I've met him.
It was kind of cool.
Anyone ever pregnant? It's a crazy Norman drop every week. We're having a baby the next week.
You guys look cool.
Yeah, I like that look, man. Oh, yeah. Very Hefner, very cool.
Free plug. Didn't Rogan get you a crazy suit?
Just takes, I think, six inches.
Yeah, no, that's cool, man. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, suits are fucking... Look how cool he looks in that fucking shirt. He looks great. How about your shirt? Yeah, I'm rocking it, too. I think I did this before you. No way. I think so. When did you make that? I've had this for a while. I want the receipt. I'll look it up. Because we can look this up, too. How long have you had the backdrop?
I'm going to go with a year. Oh, I definitely had this longer than a year. Oh, really? Yeah. I got the Nicholson one, too. Yeah. Fucking... Dude, I got a rec for you, speaking of LA... Please. I'd never seen MASH till last night. Oh. I saw it halfway through back in the day. I was dating a girl who was like, this is boring. I was like, it's hilarious.
But I was just like, you know, you're just like, fuck it, let me just salvage the night. Yeah. Yeah, I watched it last night. I fucking loved it.
Suicide is fine. Painless. Painless, yeah. Yeah. Oh, dude, the... they're just torturing that woman sally kellerman yeah they just torture her because it's like so funny because she's uh she's not in the shit like they are so they're like fuck her we'll torture her to make her one of us is that the first movie to tv show ever Yeah, I feel like for a while it went the other way.
It went like, because they did like The Fugitive and then that was the movie. True, true. Nash is fucking, Altman's fucking great.
Also, if you've never seen Nashville, Nashville's fucking incredible.
That's a great one.
It's such a different vibe, but it's so good, man.
Mobile, Army, Surgical.
Yeah, is that it?
I think it's Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. Yeah, I think that's it. Wow, that would be something.
The old school Chappelle.
Oh, I have no idea. Subcutaneous surgery.
off contained i don't know i never would have got that one oh shit scuba nice nailed it have you ever scubed i snorkeled never scubed same i think snorkel is good enough for me that's all i need the surface i get the yeah i like to know i can go back up yeah they shark tank people you know the people who were in that that cage yeah never oh my god yeah what are you thinking
Have you not seen Jaws? I know. Like, fuck that shit. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, I saw a surfer just talking about, he was on Edelman's, the pod he used to do with Julian Edelman. He was Laird Hamilton. Oh, yeah. And he was talking about how he would, you know, he'd just get out of the water. He's like, I sensed a shark.
I guess you just like, you surf that much, you have a sense for when they're coming. He's like, I got out, but right behind me was a hammerhead. Can you imagine how scared you would be?
But was it a shark from Jersey?
But now I feel like it goes the other way, like they did Get Shorty, the TV show.
Well, back in the day, it was a big deal when your TV show would make, like South Park made a movie.
What do you got? You got any recs?
This is your rec?
Okay, yeah, I definitely will watch this. It's the Tiger King guy. Yeah. Did I already wreck Bad Monkey on Apple?
I just don't love the break in the fourth wall that much. That much. I understand, like, a little bit, but it's, like, the whole movie, it's just, like, it's fine. I didn't dislike it, but it's, like, a thing where it's... It gets to a point where it's like, this is just fan service.
Well, it's exactly. And I think, you know, at a certain point, like Marvel, they know what they have. So right. Tell me they'll it's weird to watch one of those at home because they have these moments that are like meant for applause. Yeah. So like you just watch at home. You're like, he's just standing there.
It's like watching a neighbor show up and open the door in a sitcom and he's just like this. And you're like, there's no applause.
Who gives a fuck about Hawkeye or whatever? My girlfriend loved it, so I went to see it with her. I'm such a fucking idiot. I booked in one of those RPX things. It's supposed to be cool because it's like a shaking chair and makes noise. There's so many showtimes for this movie still that I picked the wrong time, but luckily we just walked into another theater, but then we had to see it normal.
But, yeah, she wanted to see it. And she was, like, dying. Really? Well, look, there's a fucking hilariously ugly dog in it. It's so ugly that he's cute. Right. I don't know if you saw that dog. Pull it up. Longer hanging tongue than even Wingus. Okay. But, yeah, I mean, it's not, like, bad. It's just also, like, it's, like, what you expect.
You would love Gambit.
Well, that dog has a great life now. It was rescued. It was voted the ugliest dog. And now the dog's famous.
But yeah, dude. I got, fuck, I had a peeve too. I had a thing.
Ooh, this is a peeve. People who send you a really long text and then sign their initials at the end. Oof. What is this? Your book signing? Like, what the fuck? Dash L. Oh.
It's different. I've had older... It only annoys me when young people do it. Yeah. When older people do it, I think it's like, oh, I don't know how technology works. Like I had Leno text me once and he finished it with J. That's kind of cute. That's kind of cute.
No, Max, I'm not going to make his death about me. Guy who does that. Guy who's over in the moment. Let me just say... No, actually, when Jay Leno dies, I'll mourn the loss of an entertainer.
If I speak at that funeral, Mark always said comedy.
But today, there's no laughing matter.
He's a ladyboy in Thailand. Is he? I don't know what that means.
I date someone who works in sports, so she comes in the other day and it's a tragic story about these two hockey players who got killed by the drunk driver in Jersey. She walks in the bedroom and goes, tragedy in New Jersey this morning. I'm like, who speaks like that? What are you, the Post? Yeah. But it's like that's how they talk. Yeah, yeah. You're on TV, you speak like a tragedy.
I'm like, let's go to break right now. No, I mean us.
Your girlfriend's like, women?
You, you don't cum.
She's giving you the light. I have done that, though. I have done the second I come, I run over to type something. Oh, I've done that. You ever have a joke idea, and you're like, I just got to get through this sex so I can retain this joke? Women love that. I do it.
They want you to make eye contact and be present, but I'm just like, fuck, I'm just fucking, just come, and then I jump off, I do a fucking back somersault. Uh, AIDS. And she's like, well, no, not me. The joke. The joke was about AIDS.
I think Tom Waits had the line where he'll get a good song lyric and he's like, Can't you see I'm driving?
We're kind of post race almost now. Oh, 100%. So for everyone saying like, this is how I am, this is how I identify. Most people don't give a fuck. No. Most people will get to know you and hate you for who you are. A hundred percent. And they're OK with that.
He's a fun guy. He'd be a fucking killer guest on this.
what's his big song oh my god so many downtown train i hope i don't fall in love with you rain dogs he wrote jersey girl for bruce springsteen no that's him that's a money maker this whole first album is a fucking banger he had a different voice back then but he's like 24 when he wrote it i've sent you some of those songs all 55 oh that's him yeah i only know that through the eagles
Oh, maybe he... Did he do it first or not? I don't know. Look it up. He's done some great covers, too, but... Is he a New York guy?
His voice now is, like, fucking crazy. Gravel. Yeah, Rain Dog's a sick album, too. But that first one's pretty crazy. He did the theme for The Wire. Really?
Down in the Hole is Tom Waits.
I don't know if it's his original. He definitely does it. Yeah, it's his voice. It's definitely him in The Wire, I think.
I said definitely, and then I think. I stink. Uh-oh.
Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, he's fucking great. He's great. Do you have a peeve?
You went there solo?
Just for the gig. You just love Mexico right now.
And it's, you know, or they'll get to know you and love you for who you are. But but like, I'm with you, dude. It's like no one cares.
Yeah, but you're a traveled man.
But they got you after that? Got me in, yeah. I fucking hate that, though, when they act like you're an idiot.
Oh, geez. With these eyebrows, it's never random. I hate it. Every time.
They're fucking big. I got some fucking eyebrows.
Really? They're pretty big. I guess they're long. You know what I get is they don't even ask if I'm at the barber now. They don't even ask. I just go, I'm like, Jesus Christ. What do they do to your eyebrows? They just trim it a little bit.
Right. It's like you do a thing like, well, this is who I am. It's like, OK, well, you know who cares about that? People who care about you.
They don't ask. That could be a bad sign.
Is it locals or expats?
If I don't know you, I don't care about you. So I don't give a fuck.
It'd be great if you're just like the bottom, it's like Pulp Fiction.
Eh, whatever. What were you drinking?
I fucking hate it. I hate sharp rings. Yeah. Fist bump. I always see him. He's always trying to give me fist bumps with the sharp rings. I'm like, what are you doing? That fucking hurts. Yeah. It's annoying. It texturally is annoying. And then you shake their hand. That's bad, too. From now on, only a wave. Interesting. I'm only giving a wave. Okay. Sharp ring. You've got to hate a sharp ring.
I don't like jewelry.
Yeah, the watch is pushing it. I like a watch, but then chains or jewelry, it's just a lot.
Yeah, out here. I had a guy, a friend of mine, I want to get him on the pod. We will at some point, I'm sure. Tan French from Queer Eye.
He was like, oh, this would go well with a good necklace. I'm like, I don't like that.
No, I can't do it. But I guess he's a stylish guy, and he's like, it's in. Yeah, we're the minority here. We're the losers. Well, how about these fucking baseball players who are wearing like 40-pound chains now? I'm like, what's the upside? You're running. It just hits you in the fucking mouth. I know. You're diving in the second. A chain. I don't get it.
It was like a stylish thing, too.
I'm a skater. I'm a fucking Leaping Skanks fan.
Yeah. We'd never get to it. Yeah. In a dream. Why would I care about your dream, dude?
Big J's got one, doesn't he?
Yeah. But it's like for him, I feel like it's like a style thing.
I think it is like a style thing for like biker, skater type dudes.
Oh, dude, I got another movie. I don't know. I can't call this a full on wreck because it's dark as fuck. all right at that dinner ron on he's telling me and the lady you heard about this movie yeah you seen it no but everybody's telling me it's like next level it's dark as fuck it's called speak no evil and they're remaking it an american version but like look
You know, you know, it's yeah, it's Dutch and you know, it's dark as fuck because the critic scores high, but the audience scores like 55 and you're like, that's because it's dark. But look, it's shocking. It will shock you.
The premise is this family and their kid are in Tuscany on vacation. They meet another family there at this big resort type place. And this other family is very friendly. Like a little weird, but very friendly. And they invite them to their place in the woods. Oh, boy. With a postcard later on. And the whole thing is about being polite or impolite. And they're like, well, it'd be rude to say no.
I guess we don't really know them, but I guess we could do it. And they're socially just really unacceptable people. Really? And it keeps getting weirder and weirder. Yeah, like, you know, at one point...
I'm already tuning you out, dude.
you know they're at their place they're out to dinner and they kind of like they suggest this fancy place and they force them to pay basically or then they start making out aggressively or they'll be in the car and he's clearly drunk driving but he's uh you know blasting music to the point where they're like please turn it down he's just ignoring them shit like that where they're very weird the couple and it keeps getting weirder so it's kind of like part thriller part horror and uh
I mean, look, I recommend it if you have a capacity for darkness. I was shocked by it. Really? And Ronan was like...
our boy Ron on is who I feel I give him shit for this I'm like dude you will only recommend a movie if it'll like fuck me up for days but I saw the American version it's James McAvoy is in it and it looks it looks cool and I'm like fuck am I gonna see this version too I don't know but I was I was definitely shocked by it I will say that why the title you're gonna have to see okay okay you'll know why when you see it I don't want to give spoilers in case people want to see it but uh holy shit man really yeah don't I mean I don't know if May will like it
Oh, that? It's that? She likes fucked up. Okay, well then watch it and report back.
Because this kid looks scared. Is it sexual? I don't want to say anything. I don't want to say what's happened. Okay.
I'm trying to think of movies that fuck me up on a psychological level. Yeah. And like...
Yeah, sex dream I'll listen to, especially if I'm in the sex dream.
you know my holland drive kind of fucked me up because it kind of gets in your soul it's like the way they kind of creep in it's very they pull the rug out under at the end in a way where you're like jesus that is fucking and it's not nearly as fucked up as this really god damn this is you're really uh i mean like the curb stomp and american history x fucked me up a little bit sure because we were young and it was yeah i mean look no i mean not i'm at the age now where i'm okay with a curb stomp
No, but it was more of like a shock scene as opposed to something that really seeps in your... Yeah. But yeah, sure, American History X was dark as shit. But this is way scarier to me. Oh, boy. I'm intrigued, but I'm nervous.
Especially if that chick with the dick is talking about sex dream.
It's really all about not having boundaries and stuff and knowing when... And it's funny, Rana and I totally... He can't stand up, and I'm like, I have no problem with confrontation. So I think part of me is like, you know, I have no problem being like, oh, I don't like this. You know, I don't. This doesn't. Yeah. But he said, I can't really do that.
So I think we were kind of scared for different reasons. Interesting. Yeah. I don't like horror usually.
Well, they're remaking it. And I wonder if they're going to do the same. I'm not going to say what the ending is, but I wonder if the American version is going to have the same ending.
i bet we i bet we tone it we tend to tone europe you know do whatever you know originally in get out the original ending was that they don't get out oh man it's like and i think test audiences were like what the fuck yeah they changed it but like you know i thought i love get out yeah sure that was a great movie but uh
Well, I'm selfishly curious what you would think of it. Okay. But I'm also like, I don't know. It's fucked up. I like Clockwork Orange. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, this is definitely more fucked up.
Yes. That was like how you feel it out. We thought that was subtle. Oh, yeah. You were in my dream the other night. Like, all right, just fucking get to it. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. It's just the way it builds. It's good. All right. I'm talking too much about this, but I'm curious what you guys will think.
It is a funny visual to be, like, you have a whole bowl, and you're like...
Torture porn is like, it became a thing for a minute with those Saw movies and stuff like that. I never got into that. No. I don't like the just like...
I think they're meant to be seen with a group that's like, ah, the same way. My friend Dana Gould will tell me like he goes, oh, I see my daughter's at the age now where like we see horror movies together and we leave and she'll be like, which were your favorite kills? And it's like it's almost like, you know, it's it's formulaic in a way, you know, where we see comedies, we laugh together.
But that's people don't do that anymore, really. Yeah, that's true. I guess Deadpool was a comedy, but it's rare that you go to a theater and you fucking... It's a good point.
Fucking losing it.
Great fucking times. It's over.
Speak no evil.
Damn. Are you working on bits or anything?
What do you got?
I know. If a guy says it, it doesn't sound as good.
Maybe it sucks. No, it doesn't suck at all. Muslim phase is so weird. Yeah. I had never even heard of it. Have you heard of this? No. It's coming. Maybe you have to build it more. In the beginning, it was like, yeah. So did you ask more about it? So she just acts like she's Muslim?
You were in my dream the other night. Oh, my God. I need a restraining order.
What religion was she born?
that's fucking hilarious i was like we were just goth you know yeah i think kids teens feel and they're taking on the the the outfits and the right it's like black because you check black yeah in the 90s yeah it's also like goth is a funny angle hippies we were there were hippies and there were goth now that's like now you want to fit in you got to level up you know yeah you know uh Yeah.
It's so fucking hard to be a parent now.
That's no good. It's so funny to be like, Dad, you know I'm Muslim. It's like, no, you're not. Right. You're not actually Muslim.
Does it hit for your crowd or have you only done it at the cellar and stuff? That's kind of the test for me nowadays. Right. If it starts working for my crowd, I just deliver with more confidence at the cellar. True, true. But has it worked for your people?
I think there's something there.
Muslim, the setup is that it's easier. What's better than being a slut?
Why did you say why she decided to convert to being a Muslim?
We're going out early. Felt fucking bad about that birthday party, guys. That was brutal. Oh, tell us about your dinner.
I don't know the angle for this one. It's such a weird premise. Maybe goth is better than slut. Goth is better than slut.
Yeah, no, maybe. Yeah, yeah.
Goth. In my day, they were just goth. Right. It used to be like, fuck you, God. Now it's like, I love you, Allah.
In my day, you just dated the person your parents didn't want you to date.
Well, my mom is like, you know, she'll say to me, like, first question with women, like, is she Jewish? And I'm like, you know, now this is like... Does she have a penis? Yeah. Is your boyfriend... Is your boyfriend...
I mean, can we all blame Gary for that? Yes. Because I wanted to leave the second we got there. Well, set the table.
muslim uh yeah and so am i now right like yeah i don't know i don't know where to go with this yeah all right i'll doodle my shit's either fucking garbage or all right hit me let me see what i got um there's a few i just can't crack um Man, I tried that dinosaur chicken nuggets one the other night. Got some groans.
I have too many fucking... I think for the comedy seller, my shit is... For my crowd, it's fine, but when I do the comedy seller, they're like, holy shit, that was dark. I know. Because you're going on after some of these guys who are just like, aw, shucks, and they're pretending they're better people than they are. And then I go on, I do a Hitler or a pedo joke, and there's like...
No pun intended. So Gary Veeder, one of my best friends in the world, you guys know, and one of your best as well.
what is this guy, a fucking monster? I'm like, no, that's fucking, that's what you joke about.
All these ideas, dude, my problem with these are like, they're either working or they're just shit. Let's see if I have enough. Is this anything, one of the worst parts of breakups is you have to just come up with new inside jokes. It's just like, so much new material. Wait, wait, With the new girl, yeah. Sometimes I'll just recycle stuff from previous relationships.
I'll be like, hey, little lady, and she's like, I'm 5'10". I'm like, ah, shit. I need something like that. I don't know where it's going, but like... You're doing old material. I'm doing old material. I'm like, ah, I got to come with a new fucking nickname. Right. That's funny. There's something maybe.
Yeah. Like how many servings is like this is like not that much food. Yeah. A quarter pound is not that much. I don't know that. Yeah, I don't think it's that much.
He tours with me on the road every week. And his hit thing on the road, if you don't know Gary, is like, I want every meal to be a home run. Not just good, but he's like, we're eating at the best place in the city. Now, the best place isn't always the most expensive, thank God, but it often is. And Gary has hurt my wallet in the past.
Yeah, I'm not looking for a philosophical lesson here.
I got another one I want to try because this isn't hitting the way I want it. All right. And I have an Uber bit that's hidden really hard right now. Add to it, because I had an ex who would be like, we got into a car once, we got into an Uber and it smelled like horrible, like so bad. And I just went, oh, wow. And we got out, she goes, you cannot make that sound. I go, but he can make that smell?
That's unacceptable. It smelled so fucking bad in there. And she goes, let me see your Uber rating. So I pull it out, and she goes, just as I suspected, 4.53. And I was like, all right. That's fresh. I speak my mind. It's fine, whatever. And I said, all right, let me see yours. She had a 4.32. Oh! So I wanted to think. I was like, all right. By the way, you're pretty.
This is your personality that's doing this.
oh that's good you're that yeah that's good you're that fucking rude to drivers i did once it was a bad smell wow that's good but i but the line that didn't hit i thought could be something as she goes uh that's that's not a big difference i go point two is the difference between a gold medalist and someone who doesn't place oh but then that doesn't hit so i need a different out i need a different fucking uh damn gold medalist i like
I like it too, but it's just too, I think it's too much of a leap. Right. But the part did pop where I say, you're attractive, this is your personality.
Yeah, .2. It was a lot.
Yeah, but .2 isn't too much. That's true. It's not. Yeah.
Yeah. You know? It's a tough sell because...
i hate when people shit on like it's like oh you know you should i i hate what i'm doing a little bit in this right right when people will shit on like a smelly caviar i'm like yeah it's so fucking annoying but the guy probably did like a 26 hours true so i do feel a little bit but then uh but then i like the joke enough that i was like yeah who gives a shit yeah and you're not being mean you're going oh i just went wow it's not mean it's not like you make a fart
Because he'll be like, this place is great. And you get to the restaurant, he's like, it's supposed to be great. And you're like, oh, cool, $67 entrees. Thanks, Gary. Yeah, right. And then he's like, it's good fish. Fucking prick. But that's like, you know, many days in a row. We eat well because it's important to him. And it's become a thing on the road. Yeah.
But that part does hit. I just think, yeah, it's about the... Where do you go from there? I'll brainstorm a little bit. It's close. It also goes off another bit. It's like the balls in the air.
There's another Uber bit that hits real hard before that. But, man, it's fucking crazy. The more I get older, I'm like, man, I think you have a similar thing that I have where our jokes kind of go up to the line of what is not socially acceptable. So the tinkering, sometimes it's just one word that saves it. Sometimes it's a buildup.
Sometimes I'll do a joke as a one-liner, and it comes off as too mean. But if I build up and build up and then do the same joke, it's like I'm adding fat to a joke to save the joke.
But then you find out sometimes when you pad it, for your crowd, it builds it a little more and the release is bigger. That's true. That's true. Yeah, but in our stand-up, I think we're so conscious of not adding fat. We like the idea of how fucking dense our stuff is.
I'll try it at the cellar tonight.
The problem with 0.2 is it's not like- It's not a lot. Yeah, it's also like, what is that, two months or something? You know what I mean? Is that the only issue?
It didn't work. Maybe I'll try it again. Shit.
Yeah, I'm going to play with it.
Good shit, guys.
And Gary goes, we're eating at this place, Emilio's Bellato on Houston. This is primo dago grub. It is and it isn't. I thought it was good food, but it also was like, there's better shit.
You know who won? Cockbuster. Yeah. I mean, the lady boy, though, is like it's a little bit of both. You got a little both in there.
Yeah, he just saw me in Oslo. Damn. Stockholm. Just added Spokane, Washington, October 24th through 26th. I'll be with little Gary. You know he's going to make me pay. And then I'll be in- November 21st through 23rd, I'll be in Cleveland at Hilarities, another great club. And I'll add a few more before we do a big announcement. By the way, I probably would have announced the theater tour by now.
So go to my Instagram. I would think I've announced the theater tour by now. Wow. I'm probably coming to your city, punchup.live slash samorell or just samorell.com and go to punchup.live slash Mark Norman or it's Mark Norman Comedy.
Yeah, PunchUp.live slash Mark Norman. Mark, where are you going?
Yeah, well, now it's going to be on YouTube. I'm going to move it to YouTube. Okay.
Yeah, you just got to get our stuff. It's cool to own our shit.
Yeah. You know, and we didn't have a slouch table either. We didn't let people there.
We roll in there, and already I'm kind of like, let's just go. The vibe was bad. The waiter was a prick.
He was a huge prick. You can get here when everyone's seated, and we're like, all right, it's 15 people. For 13 we can't seat. He's like, it's got to be all 15. I love that. All right, yeah. Is someone going to be using the table? We're ordering drinks in this time, right? Right. But he was being a prick, and I was kind of like, you know what? It wasn't just what he was saying.
It was the way he was saying it. Yep. He was kind of a trash bag.
Yeah, it was that type of, like, oh, cool. This fucking guy's the waiter right here?
Holy fucking no nuts.
Oh, it's the Seinfeld episode. I know you know how to take the reservation.
It's the keeping of the reservation you have a problem with. So already he was a dick. And he was a dick to Mark. He was a dick to me. And it was a thing where I was kind of like, you know what? Fuck this place. So I said, let's get out of here. Multiple times. You did. My girlfriend's giving me shit. She goes, you always do this. I go, no, but I have no problem saying fuck this shit and walking.
Trans, it's like we've transitioned. Lady boy is like, I still got a little bit from the past.
I want to walk. Whatever. I said, let's go to Arturo's. It's a few blocks away. Arturo's always treats you well. Great pizza. Love it on Houston. Gary's like, but this is special. Gary's kind of like, this is special. I made this. And it's like, all right, I get it. I understand. Let's go here.
He put the work in.
And I love you, Gary. I do. But I got a really bad vibe out of the gate. Yeah. We go in there. They're just like, how about we just bring out a lot of stuff?
But you know, when someone says that, it doesn't say bring out so much shit that you're going to rape. They turned it into like a prefix where they charge us like over 300 a person. Yeah, yeah. And we had people popping in and out. That's true.
ronan's poor wilson vince is living in a tent under a highway yeah leading the cuban revolution with that beard yeah uh and no it's it's a disaster and the food was solid the food was pretty good but it's noodle it wasn't yeah it wasn't that good it wasn't that fucking good and the guy was by the way the waiter's cursing non-stop which i know we curse but we're comedians it's weird to be in like a family restaurant a guy's like yeah get the
Oh, wait, are they a pedophile?
We got to burn this fucking place down like Vesuvius.
Is that the one? Oh, no. Which is the one they burned down? It was Vesuvius, right? I don't know. I'm looking it up. Well, I got to get the fucking Sopranos trivia right. Anyway, they bring the check and Vitor won't let me fucking pay. He won't let me chip in. And it's over five grand.
So they just gave us like a prefix per person without consulting us. Yeah. And the food was fine. It was fine. It wasn't-
I was fucking embarrassed. I was like, I don't want to fucking, you know, let me put in. I was like, Jesus, I get it.
I'm sure Vito will make me pay for this shit next tour.
But I was I was like, fuck, you don't pick that. You get Arturo's with the big group. I was but I thought they were just going to bring out a bunch of things that would be reasonable. But it wasn't. A steakhouse wouldn't charge you this much.
This guy's like, oh, suck my fucking bean bag. And he's like, that'll be $900. Yeah, exactly. I gave you the suck my bean bag special. Fucking trash bag.
But that just sounds like a hermaphrodite. Oh, yeah. That was the thing. Remember there was the urban legend Jamie Lee Curtis hermaphrodite?
We had a good case until Mark broke out the slurs. I was like, I think we're going to get a try behind us. Then Mark's like, these whop fucking dagos. I'm like, wait, slow down.
Except the baby you're carrying was Vitor. God damn it.
I love you guys. I owe you. I owe you big time.
Oh, it was pretty fun.
No way! I've been drinking coffee off him every morning. Well, that's a keeper.
Nice little memory. Man, I love that. But that was a fucking, I mean, look, it was a fun-ass dinner. It was so fun. Well, next time we'll do Arturo's. We'll do something that's not stupid. Yeah, right. That was fucking insane.
Oh, that's fun.
Damn. I'm going to have to pay him extra. I'm going to have to slide in money. Yeah.
Classic. Ari showing up with, yeah, good stuff.
Yeah, Will's gift, a book on white privilege.
Fucking crazy. Veeder.
This next bus run is going to be Porsche on my wallet. I know that we're going to be stopping in places where I'm like, fuck.
yeah I mean I feel like you gotta put the foot down at some point like tonight Wendy's I do sometimes fuck you tomorrow we're going to when he starts to be a dick on the road when he starts to get in the mood or something I'm like we're doing fucking we're doing ranch one for dinner but got a good chicken sandwich I'll fucking I'll hit him every once in a while with ranch one remember pluck you yes pluck you pluck you I kinda like I liked ranch one that fucking that chicken sandwich not too bad yeah roasted red pepper sauce just mayo but it was good
It's a shame you're not a father because you would kill it. There's still time. He said he doesn't want it. Yeah. Imagine you had a lawn. This lawn would be unbelievable. Your neighbors would hate you.
Everything. Better lighting. He's smiling.
He's supposed to be here.
Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's Vitor. Have you heard Vitor's bit? What did he say? About it? He's like, they went to his hotel room. They found no DNA. He's like, you go to my hotel room. There's DNA on the ceiling. Whatever.
Oh, yeah. He hated it. I mean, I told the story. I want to hear your story.
It'd be nice if we got some eggnog.
But you can go right to your own bar. That's got to feel pretty good.
Did they give you a better reaction than we did when you walk in? Much better. Oh, shit.
Yeah, love Chubby's.
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North Pole, ice cold. All right. I'll take a big old sip.
Rugula. Rugula. Rugula. Rugula. Okay. Okay, thank you. Where did you just come from? The North Pole. How you doing there? That's a Jewish Santa. I thought that was stop.
We couldn't get stop, so this is... Happy holiday. Oh, what's in the sack there?
Good boys and girls. Oh, you sound like P. Diddy. Nice. Do we really get a present?
All right. All right. We'll break them out, Sam. And hand me a roogala, will you there, Jew face? Look at this guy.
Oh, thank you there, Jojo. I'll take one. I thought you said a roogala.
We got to give you something. Thank you. Want some Ruggala? No. What is it? I don't know what it is. A Jewish foreskin.
Get this man a whiskey. Thank you. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Happy holidays.
I'll do a couple swigs of the Travis Kelsey horse piss. You guys have any bourbon?
We got a ton of bourbon.
We got tequila. We got vodka.
We got the Jew, we need the Grinch.
He did, so I brought my kid. He's not fat enough.
Oh, the Rizzler bailed?
Boy, you've been living in a cave there. Who the hell is the Rizzler?
This kid's getting laid like you wouldn't believe. I heard he fucked Kate Beckinsale.
He's that big. Thank you.
Sam's a huge fan. Yeah, the Tonight Show used to have, like, Jack Nicholson and Sinatra on it. This is fucking crazy. I know. He's got his own Bitcoin. Oh, my God.
Yeah, true. That is fucking tough. Man, we had Jay-Z, too, but he's gotten some trouble.
It would have been the best Christmas ever. You should have told him about the candy we had. Yeah.
The Benjamin Buttons.
I think that's their trans. They're like, oh, I got pulled the rug out.
Yeah, because he could get laid, obviously.
Yeah. That was the highlight.
Wow, nice to hear he didn't hit a woman.
Yeah. He's a badass in every way.
Yeah. He's Scottish. Scots don't fuck around.
I did a gig in Glasgow and there was a stabbing like right outside my theater. Really? Scotland's wild.
Yeah, yeah, big stabby, big drug place.
COVID was like that. Remember COVID was in New York. They're like, fuck it. Drink outside. That's when they started doing it. Oh, there you go.
What other option do you have?
Well, he made it an art, you know? But whining is not an art. He's just great at it. He's great at it. Yeah, it's like a barroom boxer. You go, fuck this guy. He's an asshole. But you put him in a ring, and he's a genius.
That's going to come and go. He's going to get young diabetes, and he's going to fizzle out.
Those were the days. The worst was back of the neck. If you got a back of the neck, you were going right to hell. Yeah, not good. No, I caught my parents fucking. Really? Yeah, I joined in. And he started choking you? Yeah. And then you came. We all came, I'll tell you. He went front of the neck.
How many views does this have?
Who's the other guy? Who'd be playing this in the club, dude? I mean, this is why the terrorists hate us. Can you imagine Al Qaeda watching this? This guy looks like the shooter.
This kid's fucking hotter women than all of us. That's the worst part about it. How old is he, 12? No. With that much charisma? Please.
What's that mean? What? The UK? Third grade, so he is eight. Wait, what did he say? Wakanda versus UK? I'll see. Anyone else hard?
He doesn't even know who Griswold is.
He's got to watch out, though. He sounds like Marlon Brando in the later years. He's got the fat guy throat thing going on.
The snizzler. I love this kid. He's all right. He's all right.
Get Pimp on the phone. Will we get him at a later date? He'll come in. I'm going to call it with the fat jokes. He's going to have secret service. Fat jokes? You're making diddle jokes about him. That's not real. The fat is real. He's a cute kid. You can sit right here.
I think he went after Schultz, the Rizzler.
He looks familiar. He's in New York.
Man, big, big week for WAPs. This guy, the shooter, Salacus.
And it crushed. That's what you want him to do, too.
It's a little short. But hey, ChatGBT wrote most of it. Now, he's still only suspected, right? Oh, it's got to be him. You know? They got the ghost gun.
You got to pluck. So the rumor is he had a back issue, and that's what turned him. Because the medical, they wouldn't help him with his back.
Look at this guy. He's perfect. But yeah, Antonio Brown stole your tweet. Yeah, whatever. I texted you. He's got bigger problems. Yeah, he's a wild one. Great follow, but he's a wild dude.
I mean, if you roll through, he tweets like 38 times a day, but if you roll through Twitter.
I think so, because they're deranged and erratic as he is. Pull up Antonio Brown Twitter. AB.
That was a Rizzler. He's no Rizzler. It's wild. We would have felt that.
It's like comics in the 50s.
Hey, is that Caitlin Klar? Mm-hmm. All right. Good for her. All right. Keep going. Keep going. Just keep going until you see Sam's tweet. Oh. Keep going.
I'm telling you, he's nutty. Funny guy, though, but what a wacko. What do you mean? He just took the tweet? Yeah. Yeah. It didn't credit you either.
I think he just sees shit on the internet and puts it up. I don't even know if he's like.
They're a nice family.
It's good. I don't want to shit on it too much. Good people. People really seem to care. So I texted Shane today. He sent me some tires updates.
And pretty cool stuff you guys got coming up in season two. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, you always find a way. Yeah. You're like, what's that guy doing now? I think he's homeless. No, wait. Look at that. Headline news. He's riding on some huge show.
Well, his mind is great for sketch. We forget that. We're so stand-up oriented, like joke, joke, joke, tag. And he's got both. He's got the sketch and the stand-up.
It's pretty impressive.
I just said I can't believe anyone listened to Bonfire.
Now, what's lunch like over there on the set? How's that work? You know, it's food and you eat it. They give catering and everything? Yeah, yeah. Wow, so this is like a big, real shoot.
But it's weird they do that on sets. It's like, hey, you're a hot celebrity guy or gal. Here's M&M's and craft service and shit.
Put on like Melrose Place or Hot Boy Island or Fuck Boy Dead or whatever it is.
Hey, good for Shane. I didn't know he had a lunch lady.
Oh, yeah, that was a big deal.
It was kind of odd. You were also in Better Call Saul. I was. You had a good run.
You know what I mean? But get mad at the character, not you. Like if you played a murderer, they would have loved you. That's the irony.
Because you're making light of it, I guess, maybe? Because rappers say fucked up shit and women are singing along at the club.
Right. In a matter of months. That's true. Barney on what's that show? How I Met Your Mother. His whole thing was like, I'm going to see how many girls I can fuck in a night. Yeah. Even though he was a gay guy in real life. But he was like, you watch that show now, you're like, damn, this guy's a poonhound.
Probably, but I didn't know he was gay when I was watching it.
Didn't Kevin Spacey do that when they popped him with the kids? He was like, but I'm gay.
Yes. You know what I mean? Or at least help me out. Like you ever go to one in Austin and you're like outside of a warehouse? Get a guy out there going, hey, here it is.
That just happened to me. Yeah, like they just expect you to get there and figure it out. But there's like all these warehouses look the same. You know, they're like suites.
Yeah, they're hard to find. So help me out.
Well, Segura will put you in a hotel. He'll send you over. Segura gets it. Yeah. But he's a man of.
Man, I feel like I licked his toes and you got to fuck him.
Man, oh man. Is there any chance it's the same agent?
I know, they're making it a religious thing. I can't grab your wife's tits and be like, praise Allah. You know, it's not the same. It doesn't save it.
The same exact person?
Wait a second. Well, tell her to stop driving.
Yeah. You know? I had this one. It's just, yeah. This on the train today. Well, first of all, two things I want to run by you. On the train today, I got on the train and I go, it's an N. So I don't know if it's local or express. Sometimes they go back and forth like a bisexual. And I go, is this local? And I do the thing where I jump on. I go, is this local or express? One guy goes, it's express.
Good! You fucked me. I hope you feel bad. I had the dry run. You got the real show.
It's express. And I go, OK. Then another guy goes, no, no. It's local. Local. And I was like, ugh. But the local guy looked more put together. And the express guy looked like shit. So I went with the local. So I got on. And it was express. And I go, what the hell, man? And he goes, pfft.
The shell guy looked like hell, but he was right.
Yes, you're right. I should have gone by that.
But this is just. She's coming. She's always late. Who is it? This guest. Rachel Einstein? She's always late.
That's how she does. What? Oh. Well, I mean, it's pointless now. I got to end the show at some point. We're going to wrap it up. But we're happy to have you. I'm glad your bar is here because it keeps you coming back to New York.
I keep looking at my ass.
They're selling Misfits shirts?
Well, also you're lucky you got a Biden. He's still president. You got a guy on the phone or an email at least. It wasn't like a bot or a hit the text help app.
Well, you ever try to get a hold of Uber? You got to text. It's crazy. There's no phone number even. You got to like write in. It's crazy. And it takes two days for them to get back.
He's just like Luigi Mangione shirtless.
He might be a gay guy. Yeah.
Because look at the way he's holding that McDonald's box. That's the movements of a homosexual. Look at that. Oh, yeah. That's a homosexual. Oh, that's a happy meal. That's the only time he's touching a box. He's caught at McDonald's, too. This guy can't stay away from McDonald's. I know, and he's an RFK fan.
Can we hear it, or is it offensive?
What is going on? Get out of here. Joe's back.
You not talking is a real good sell. How do you feel as a paisan?
But people are like, he shot a guy in the street. That's really gone up. That's what's cool about him being Italian. You can make racist jokes still about him.
My joke on him. Hey, you can put him in jail, but he's just going to get out through the pipes.
Didn't get a laugh. I just got a that's good. But I'll take it. Not on the Burt roast or whatever the fuck. Jelly roll roast. Oh, I could have used that one on the jelly roll.
Of course. Of course. Did any of them hit? Yeah, a couple hit.
Jeez, I can't. This is how ill-prepared I was. I had nothing memorized.
Oh, it's the best. It's the best of the year. I don't know. Well, you got eight nights.
I know. Because the jokes were solid. So I was just like, I'll read it. It'll be great. Which is a, you know, cardinal sin number one. But I got off stage and Kid Rock saw me in the green room and he goes, hey, I'm Mark. And he goes, horrible performance. And I go, good to meet you. Oh, fuck him. I know, he's a bit of a cunt. Fuck him. But he was right. He was right.
Oh, yeah. Well, he was half in the bag, but that's how he is. He's like a blunt, you know, I say how it is kind of guy. I shoot from the hip. I tell it like it is. And he owns that town. We went to his bar after, and it was like, Jelly Roll went up, Burt went up.
I had to drink it away. It was just pure sorrow.
The whole group went. We went to his bar, and he had a band, like that guy Marcus King.
He was there. I mean, it was just like a who's who, the jelly rolling on, the place went apeshit.
It felt like the cellar when Chris Rock shows up.
Well, I also zinged him a lot, and I think maybe he was like, oh, fuck this guy.
I just, you know, kept it light. I said, you know, he's ball went to bed, and he sucks, and Big J looks like the last guy to listen to Kid Rock. And I had a couple, but... He didn't like them.
No, they weren't on it. And he's laughing on stage. But I went third to last, and it was like a... 14-person roast. I'm just scratching out jokes. Hey! Speaking of last. Oh, God. Good to have you there. They let the pig right in here, didn't they? What are you wearing, a burka? What the hell is this?
Well. We had La Rizzler. We had Chris D. We had Luigi.
Did Tyler Perry produce that? Yeah.
Women who kill. That was always a big one with the lady comedy shows. Funny period.
Gashes and giggles. Flapping lips. Yeah, there's all kinds of them out there.
Sure. He's a lot, I hear. But that's so cool. I mean, was he like, let me see your feet? I wish. He loves feet. I know. Not my feet.
You don't get yelled at by him. That would be scary on the phone.
Oh, what do you need?
It was Jew on Jew crime, was it not? He was Jewish, yes.
Sorry, sir. You're trying to set up a nice magic show.
That was fun. It was a little choppy, unfortunately, because I was hiding in the broom closet of a comedy club in Rhode Island. So it was a little choppy, but we pulled it out.
Wow, you gave us even more. It didn't happen.
Look how beautiful. Hey, look at Corolla's fat ass.
Can't believe we almost had the Rizzler.
You got it. You're doing great. Wait, do I need water in this one?
I trust Seth the magician.
Would you say five? Yeah. All right.
Okay. Wait a minute.
Check it out. Yeah, me too.
What the fuck? Wait a minute. Oh, three and a half. Wait a minute.
Yeah, you put an Asian girl on the screen. DeRosa's fucked.
Oh, he's showing how the sausage is.
Yeah, he'll keep you in. He's a talker.
You're like the guy whose birthday party it is.
I don't get it. Jeremiah is so funny. He's so good at this.
Oh, come on. I hope it's a personality.
I love it. Some people are like, you're going to fight that guy? How crazy? I'm like, no, I think it's fun. It's an honor. Yeah, I'm into it. So keep going on, Jeremiah.
Oh, jeez. This is nuts. You remember it, or are you just a bleeding gash?
I do. All right, Sam, here we go. He's got it. Hatchet wound.
Ooh, and... From... Ernest Goes to Hell.
Fill in the blank. Jail. Camp.
But I know you're not thrown off, are you there? This is part of it. They do this. They do this.
Like the outfit, like it all kind of- It all works. It all works. Yeah, he's good at it. I mean, too bad he doesn't have his own act. But, you know, he's great at the, no, I'm just kidding. Jeremiah's the man, and he nails it. Everything he does, he kills.
No Jews in the building.
Oh, my God. This is unbelievable. Because you were saying that you found prizes in here, right?
I doubt that's true.
My stage name was Canaan Anal.
So why don't you just enjoy it instead of trying to get the truth out of the guy?
So, wow, what a week. Celebrity Theater, Larry David, Quentin Tarantino, the mothership. I mean, you're all over.
Don't worry. And your wife is wildly turned on.
You can't beat it. I mean, the guy with the Santa guy with the bell, the tree in Rockefeller, the ice skating, the hobo pissing with the dirty Santa hat.
Rachel's getting her pills. Jesus Christ?
I should have faked it.
Whoa, the mark of the beast. How'd you do it there, Seth? Man, that was great. All right, guys. Well, thanks for having me.
Thank you. Very good. All right.
Indianapolis, Nashville, Connecticut. I'm looking at your dates.
Eugene, Oregon. She's in Illinois, Maryland, and San Diego.
Right. The green room is in the vault. They still got the big old metal door. But wait, let me run this by you. Did Tulane University on Tuesday, you went there.
Yeah, well, the rep is on his way, so we'll yell at him.
Baby. Oh, my God. Thank you. I'll open it off there.
Drive it right into the schoolhouse.
Also known as Jew Lane. Yeah. I did some Hamas jokes. They were like, yeah! it's larry david's crowd basically uh then flew in to do a one-nighter with list in jersey got home at 1 a.m had a 7 a.m flight to nashville hell hell and uh the fumes are kicking in i'm like two lane to jersey to nashville because we can't say no i feel sick right now because i know keep moving
I'll be back in the clubs going to Houston Improv. Then the Stand Up Live in Phoenix where you just did the Celebrity Theater. And I'll be at Addison Improv in Dallas. And then the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville. Then I got a make-up date with Asheville. Not to be confused with Gashville where Rachel's from. Where I am in Nashville. Yeah, that's a make-up date for the hurricane.
Oh, yeah. What's that old Geraldo joke about the baby Jesus? That's a woman who really stuck to her story.
He's funny. Funny guy. Whatever happened to him? But, yeah, keep a lookout for Geraldo and Geraldo, and we're here. We're queer. Thanks a lot. We might be drunk. Rachel was on for 11 minutes.
Well, it was Jelly Rolls roast. And I was like, ah, Whitney, Tony, Bert, Big J, Adam Ray. It was like a who's who. And I was like, I want to be a part of that. And you start thinking, I just got to get on a plane. All you got to do is sit with a suitcase. How hard can it be? But it's the waking up. It's the drinking. It's the no sleep. And so it was hell. But got to Nashville on no sleep. I'm.
Burning the midnight oil. Bert goes, you want to do Something's Burning? I can't say no. I go, let's do it. The roast is until 8. Who is it with? It was me and Big Jay.
And Bert got a big Airbnb. We made Nashville hot chicken. We started drinking immediately.
Yeah, he really killed it, actually.
He can cook if he don't mind no hand washing. Hey, speaking of no hand washing, that's a hell of a sandwich. This is who I want to see on the holidays. Howdy, sailor. Hey. Good to see you, man. You look great. Thanks, man. What are you, cut back on the sauce? Oh, no. You're good. You're good.
That was one of my jokes at the roast. We had Bert with no shirt on and Tony, and I said, no T to low T. Bombed. How was the... Well, I just... Jelly Rolls roast on Wednesday. Okay. Is the breath that bad?
I'm turning like this way.
Sorry. Can we get it? We've got a frame on that. He's got a wide torso.
Yeah. I'm going to the family, the wife's family, and they got kids running around. Without the kids, it's kind of sad, to be honest.
Jelly Rolls Roasts. And it was a real who's who at Zany's. Sold out. Kid Rock is in the fucking rafters. And Cole Hauser, the guy from Westwood. Yellowstone. Yellowstone. That's it.
And it was like a lot of people there. And Jelly Rolls on stage. I... Was drunk from something's burning, and I didn't really prepare that much. I bombed my face off, and I had like a- Like straight wall-to-wall bomb? I got a couple chuckles on the bomb, like how bad I'm- This is going horribly. I got some save lines. You and Andy Kindler. Yes. That sucked. Look at me.
I'm trying to look at my notes. I'm drunk. That's after I went on. Is that his wife? That's his wife.
Never a good sign when you're looking at your notes after you go on. Because I'm like, where did I go wrong? I fucking died. I apologize to Jelly Roll. It's pretty humiliating. Because all your comic friends are on stage with you. Like, what's going on? What are you doing?
Who had the worst night of the night? I don't want to say. I would tell you if I didn't bomb that bad. But one guy had a real.
You saw the deus. Oh, there's the guy from Yellowstone. No, honestly, I'm really, I don't know. Chris Porter killed, oh, what's Will Compton did better than me? He's an athlete. I'm going to point. He went undue, Will, from Bush. Yeah, yeah, he did great, actually. I'm going to point, but don't show it. Okay, I mean, I think you know.
Yeah. No one wanted to tell you. No. I mean, obviously, Christmas is great, but when you got these kids running around, they're ripping open the presents. They're like, oh, my God, a Nintendo or whatever kids are playing with. No, kids do help. Oh, yeah. Halloween, obviously, kids. Oh, look what we got here. Oh, we got to talk about this.
He had a bit of a meltdown. But I had one of those bombs where... Sorry. Never mind. No, just saying.
He killed... He did a... He did Let Me Do What a Jelly Roll Song Every One of Them Is. And he sang it and it broke down his structure and it was great. Chris is amazing. He's so underrated. Chris Porter. Funny dude. Yeah.
He had that old joke about drinking and smoking. Like, you don't have to drink when you smoke, but you got to smoke when you drink. It's kind of like how you don't have to pee. You can pee without shitting, but when you're shitting, you got to pee.
I fucked it up, but it's a great analogy. That's amazing. He also looks like an ugly Willy Wonka. Is that Oakerson in the back there? Yeah, Oakerson. Let me give Oakerson, as the kids say, his flowers. Yeah. He didn't know it was a roast. He thought it was just like a happy birthday party. So he went up and winged it a la Patrice O'Neal at the Charlie Sheen roast. Really? And crud.
He was just completely honest. He's like, I didn't know this was a roast, but this is how I feel about Tony. This is how I feel about Whitney. This is how I feel about Jelly Roll. And it was crushing. Do you remember the lines? I don't. All I remember is Whitney had a tank top on. He goes, I know you just had a kid, but you brought the twins. That's all I can remember. All right.
Oh, Adam Ray crushed, too. Yeah. That's great.
Whitney annihilated. Whitney might have had the best stuff. Burt said he flew with her from L.A. and she was writing the whole time. Six hours. So just, you know.
I got a ton. I need to organize it, but I got a lot of it. I got a lot, too. That's fun.
Yeah. Diddy, Hoctua, Luigi.
I know. We got to talk about Luigi. Oh, I guess it's pretty topical.
It does feel like when you start painting, a lot's gone wrong.
So is Rosebud's. I like, you know, I'm just not good. I see her work. I'm like, oh, I'm shit, so why even try this? But it is kind of like therapeutic when you paint. I think you're like, you're getting something out, kind of. Oh, for sure.
Can you get the music, too? The music's the best part. Are we going to get... Oh, that's a good time.
That's cute. I like it. That's great. Yeah, it's not bad.
Well, it wasn't Obama. It was a dude from the Middle East.
If I was in a hotel room and I was on the wall, I'd be like, that's cute. I like it. Yeah. You'd be like, all right, I got to upgrade. Put me in a good mood.
I don't know. You're worried about Whitney doing blackface on her pod? Brownface? Indian face? Could go either way.
Yeah. Yeah, you could do worse. Also, do you saw the thing with her husband?
Also, whatever he did to a woman is probably not worse than what Trump has done to a woman.
You threw in childless because you just had a baby. You eliminated yourself from that.
By the way, Whitney just had a baby. We put a dead baby next to her.
Whatever happened to seven weeks?
Just kidding. Schaub's whiskey is $90 a bottle and Bodega Cat is only $40.
We're made for people. We respect our fans and we don't want them to overpay for our whiskey.
Yeah, there's 73 there. Oh, it's gone up.
This fucking, whatever this Kit Kat was, was fucking delicious.
That's the key. Which of these should I try? I want to try one of these kombuchas. Mark, are you doing it? Oh, I'd like to have one as well.
Well, the juice killed Christ, so be careful.
Pineapple, orange, nutmeg, green tea, and kombucha. What about the alcohol? Where's the hard kombucha?
Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, those days are long past. What is she, 60? Yeah. No, she's got to be reasonable. At least, you know. Menopause, you mean? Never? Yeah, menopause.
That's why they keep doing these debates. You know, like, who's it for? They give good views. I mean, politics is the new sport. I know, but think about how much money is wasted on our elections. It's fucking insane.
Yeah, but you can spend, what, 15 million per week or whatever they're spending? Crazy. I'm not the numbers right, but you know what I mean. I know, it's bad.
When I was a kid, it was also like you didn't lead with your political. Yes. You didn't like, you're not like, fuck you, MAGA. Like, fuck you, I'm with her. You were just like, hey, I'm Sam. Yes. It wasn't like the first thing you let. It's weird. Sometimes you go to a small town and that's how they still are. And they're like shocked. Right.
That's the hard thing, right? Because Twitter is definitely the most free speech place, but man, it is a fucking cesspool. I'm for free speech, but you're like, man, at the same time, this does bum me out. I can be for both.
Usually you would used to just be a comic on stage getting that out. Now you got this shit in your pocket, too.
Holy shit. So many people we know are just unraveling. Yeah. This is like you're like you're either going to look back at this and feel so much shame or even worse. You're not. I know. This is just who you will become forever.
Once you have 12 kids, one of them is going to be trans. When you're playing with those types of numbers. That's true. The odds. Also, like. Well, why do you have to keep coming in people at a certain point? I understand having like a few kids, but like 12?
Yeah, but when you have like, when you have the CEO of four companies, you got to have 12 kids. You're not going to be there for two kids.
I think you don't care. I think I think honestly, that's where like the ultra rich.
Whoa. But that's where the ultra rich and the ultra poor come together is they just will both come in anything. That's true. They will just like, I think if you're rich, you're like, it'll be fine. I'll just, you know, and if you're poor, you're like, my life is fucked anyway. I'll just keep coming in people. Yeah.
Chapter of his memoir, Jars of Urine.
Have you seen that shit on Netflix? Yes. Menendez Brothers?
We had Renee Ramsey. We had six. But there wasn't a 24-hour news cycle back then.
That was in the 90s, though.
That was the Super Bowl. That was crazy. That was crazy.
We got no food. We got no money.
This is like the Zabruder films here. This is crazy. Yeah.
People used to do that all the time.
I would look like a bad woman. Yeah. I'm a hairy dude.
I thought Halloween was supposed to be scary. Now they're like, please don't shame the unable.
That's a great costume. Are these out now? People are saying you can't do this? This is a list of problematic shit.
All the cool people would come to the costume in the offensive costume. Of course. That was always the cool person.
Oh, that's great. By the way, I was in Amsterdam a week ago. I could not get into the Anne Frank house. It's a hot ticket. It was so... I was like, I didn't really have to fucking know somebody to get in here. It was so frustrating. Yeah. Because it was like torrential downpour, and I knew I had to make a... This is like the most classic.
I posted on Instagram, like, I can't get Anne Frank tickets. What do I do? And like in a story and all the responses are like Jewish mafia, like Schumer, Jessica Seinfeld. They're like, how can we help? I'm like, I don't fuck it. I was just trying to be funny. I don't know. And then I found a ticket online.
And when I got there, I found out it was it was like a walking tour, which I'm like, I didn't know she was walking. I thought that was a problem. She was in a fucking hiding. Yeah, she was hiding. So they're like, no, the walking tour is three miles away. And I was like, it's like a thunderstorm. So I'm like pleading with the person. I'm like, can you please, like, just can you make any room?
Yeah. I'm like, please make room. And they're just, she was like, there's nothing I can do. Oh.
If I was a Jew in the 40s, I wouldn't have had a place to hide. I'm not a good enough planner. That's true. No, but we went to the Van Gogh thing right before it, and I got tossed. Some of the people in Amsterdam, the shows were fucking amazing, but the people were kind of pricks. I had a little guy throw us out of the museum. Like a midget? No, he was like 5'4". A beater? Yeah.
But he was a fucking prick. We did the Van Gogh Museum.
Tough sledding. But we were nice.
I shouldn't have said that part to him, but yeah.
You're not even a provider, dude.
Damn it. Is there anything that could happen to us? It's like a fat chick on the phone.
That was episode two of Taxi, was Judd Hirsch falls for this girl on the phone, and they meet her, and she's fat. Oh, it's hilarious. But it's a tender tale. He's very nice about it.
Name one ugly Disney star or- Yeah, but no one's fucking a kid because they're going to be hot. They're not talent scouts. They're hot now. Yeah. They're into it now. They're not like, someday this is going to pay off.
But I know I know is he did like friends and neighbors.
You could fuck a roll, she could eat a roll.
Really? Get the hell out of here. It's a porn category. I know dudes who are into that. That's true. Well, your tits probably got way bigger, too.
Is it because you're scared the guy might leave because you got bigger?
I'm pumped for this baby shower.
What's a good gift for a baby shower? Because you had one. Help me out here.
I should get you a gift card to a place that doesn't exist anymore. Like, dude, you like borders? Fuck with borders? Dude, I got you a $100 gift card to the Wiz.
We heard the theory about like on TikTok over there, it's like all productive shit. And then over here, it's like, it's like a dude in a car. Like, let me see which sandwich is better. You know?
But the irony is like, yeah, we're becoming worthless. But like these influencers that are like testing food on there are making millions.
So they might be thinking they're getting us. But these dudes are fucking killing it.
Really. But you seem like someone who would, like I remember seeing Rosebud and how angry she would get pregnant. Mm.
I'm a big fan of doing it vaginally. Better than butt sex.
Yeah, Monika's water broke too. Yeah.
That's how I feel about the robe. Giving birth seems like a more intense thing. The no sleep.
Yeah, but you're always on drugs.
You've never taken a drug on stage?
I'm not doing it like I'm just- No, no, no.
You're not going to be better.
Oh, I've never done that. If it's a late show and I'm fucking like 40 in and I have a whiskey and I want to go to sleep after, I'm like, fuck it. Boom, boom. What do you say to the audience? I say muscle relaxer and it gets a laugh usually and then I just fucking...
Yeah, but then the Peters are like, he ate too much. I'm turned off.
Cover your mouth. Say who it is. Oh, I did see that. Who?
Smoking weed. Do you ever have a panic attack on that shit? Because I freak out on edibles. I can handle like none of it. You can smoke weed.
You've never done like Adderall, any of that stuff? I was... Adderall is good stuff.
I don't know. I have horrible ADD though. And it helps me focus is what it does.
By the way, about movies, we got to ask you something.
Jonah Feingold, what do you think?
I know. He was talking about you.
That was my favorite part.
We're trying to work with him.
It looks like he might be, if we can make this movie that Mark and I wrote.
He might be behind the cams.
He's got good hair. He's a hunk.
Do you hate Woody Allen movies?
I just stuttered. That's how sad that made me. Do you hate Woody?
Hand on Her Sisters is a masterpiece. We were just watching one recently, though. Fuck. What's the one? You know what? We were watching one recently. Crimes and Misdemeanors is unbelievable. Unbelievable. Hand on Her Sisters is unbelievable. Sure, sure. I just- Bullets Over Broadway is incredible. Yes.
No, no, no. We're talking after this about this. But we were just watching Deconstructing Harry because it's on Amazon and we just threw it on. Him making out with Elizabeth Shue made me a little angry. It's a little weird. I was like, I wouldn't have the confidence to do that. If we were the same age. Right, right. This guy's like the most nebbishy motherfucker. That's true. That's a good point.
He's making good movies to be around hot chicks.
Listen to this. Listen to this. I never could stand... Wait, no, that's... I hate Woody Allen. I dislike that kind of man. But let's get the full quote because it's a funny quote.
No, no, no. Orson Welles on Woody Allen. It's a funny quote. You don't want Orson Welles saying that about you. Holy shit. Yeah, can you imagine? Because you know that guy's fucking... Yeah, can you make it bigger or no? But yeah, Woody, come on. The movies are great. All right, there we go. I hate Woody Allen. I dislike that kind of man. I can hardly bear to talk to him.
He has that chaplain disease. The particular combination of arrogance and timidity sets my teeth on edge. He's arrogant. He writes, he's not arrogant. He's arrogant. That's why I pulled it up. Like all people with timid personalities, his arrogance is unlimited. Anyone who speaks quietly and shrivels up in company is unbelievably arrogant. He acts shy, but he's not. He's scared. He hates himself.
And he loves himself. A very tense situation. It's people like me who have to carry on and pretend to be modest. I love Worshenwells.
To me, it's the most embarrassing thing in the world. A man who presents himself at his worst to get laughs in order to free himself from his hangups. Everything he does on the screen is therapeutic.
that's like his game and he worked i hate that shit do you know because that's how like creeps function they're like who me right you're like he would never do you know what i'm saying and i'm not saying he's a creep i just mean i'm not talking about no i know what you're saying stuff with the daughter and any of that shit that's why i hadn't pulled that though because what you said like is the exact same thing there is something about that type of guy like oh shucks look how
I hear you. Really? In some of his later movies, though, he is kind of like an asshole. In a movie like Deconstructing Harry, so he's kind of become that asshole. Right.
You just said you love two of his movies, though.
Have you heard Wayne Fetterman's joke? He's like, Woody Allen's my hero all these years and still married to the same daughter.
He groomed her. It's disgusting.
Well, it's a Mary Kay Letourneau thing, right? Like she she fucked the student. And then once she got out of prison, they ended up together.
And then she died. Karma got her.
all right i'm sending you a couple though after this pod that you're gonna you are gonna like tanner sisters i'm just saying so is bullets over broad i'd probably enjoy it all if there wasn't all this drama around it i think there's a certain point where if you're gonna make magic movie magic get your personal life in order okay but how many how many people if we look back are problematic you can't every single marlon brando did some fucked up shit i don't
I hate when Polanski does some fucked up shit. You know what he is? You're telling me Chinatown is not a great movie?
Oh, wow. Really? It was like every Woody Allen movie for a period. Yeah. Correct. Every Woody Allen.
You can't diminish the work of a hundred something people or more on a movie.
No one was more prolific. I mean, no one. There's some turds out there for sure. Yeah, no, there's some bad ones, but guess what? There's a shitload of... Really good movie.
Something's fishy about a lot of megastar Hollywood people.
I mean, you're telling me Tom Cruise isn't kooky. There's some kooky fucking megastars. Will Smith isn't kooky.
I mean, it was a big... Did he have to YouTube how to shit to make it not destroy a piece of paper properly?
It's really an unpleasant image on every front.
Yes, bloody shit. At this point, he's like doing the stand-up. It's like you're announcing a special. Just do the shit then at this point. I know, I know.
You know what's weird? Peaky Blinders did the same thing. Kellyanne Murphy, shit out, season six.
Not the best comedy city. I love New Orleans to death, but comedy-wise, Vegas is pretty damn good.
But Skankfest has become a destination thing, right? So maybe it works.
That's a transient city. I mean, Vegas has become one of my favorite comedy cities. Really? Yeah, because the locals are great.
Vegas can be cool when you get the right crowd. I mean, like the last few times I've been there have been great.
You just became a mother. This is child abuse. What are you doing? I said I like the city. I don't love it. Come on.
Frank will pop up on my Instagram sometimes, and it's just like how to do an impression, and I watch it every time.
Yeah, but it's amazing. Really? He's a great impressionist. He is good.
Tape Face beat me on AGT. He's amazing. He's big. He is fucking phenomenal.
It's Chaplin-esque. It's like very much.
He was at your show. A blue man? One of the blue men is at your... He's friends with Ruby, I think, because I met one of them the other day. Which one did he date?
Well, still, it's a person of color.
You never slept with a comic?
Women like when a guy is not too kept, right?
He had a wax chester. Yeah, yeah. A girl asked me to shave my chest in college, and I did it like a fucking idiot. I saw the picture once, and I was like, ugh, I hate myself. Yeah.
She actually got thrown out of my show at the Madison Square Garden Theater.
That's so tough. Well, I had a choice, and I was like, fuck it, I'll do it. Why not? But I was a kid.
That's sweet that you think she ever blew me.
You're not a survivor. You're a fucking legend.
We look like a gay magic duo in Vegas.
We look like lion tamers or something.
Yeah, almost. In November, right? I remember that shit.
And it's just so... God, what a fucking... That guy's going to have a... That's a Joker-like origin story.
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I have a good bit about this where the bit is how I saw a headline that said cougars in the classroom, the alarming rate at which teachers are now sleeping with their students. Yeah. Like that's how much worse it is when like women do it. It's not a crime. You never see a headline like, fuck, I'm going to fuck up my own joke. Silver Fox Dilf. Right, right. It's cougar. No, priest fucks again.
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I like that money right there.
Did they do like a fucking hose or something? It's awful. There were hose there.
Yes, yes, exactly. You know, hottie boy scout master. You know what I mean? I'm talking on my own shit.
It's also that she would have the strength to beat a 60-year-old alcoholic comedian. I love Doug Stanhope. How have we never had him on here?
He's in New York right now. Right now? Yeah. Do you want to hit him up?
Sorry, sorry. I know, but you brought him up. I'm like, I'm mad he's never been on. He's an alcoholic. It'd be perfect. I was rude, Whitney. You are one of the best guys.
We had a great moment because you went to the bathroom and Mark was FaceTiming him. And Mark's like, yeah, you were here, but it's fine. Whitney's chatty. And instead of laughing, he goes, I love her stories. And I was like, oh, God damn it. They're in love. Mark's... Mark's joke's just fucking, and I laughed at it.
Oh, good point, good point.
Do you think you'll get married to him?
There's a lot of addiction. And if you miss, you're kind of fucked. Yeah. It's like they're hurting themselves physically.
It requires so much failure. Yes. That'll humble you.
That's great, I love that. That's cool.
Wait, you're leaving California? I might.
Let's hear their side of it. The N-word is like, you could have just said try harder. I would have gotten it.
Wow. I have to. You could have had like a Sunset Boulevard, like cool ass.
Right. You're too focused on your own shit.
You don't have the time. You don't have the time.
We didn't have to get anti-Semitic here.
They do this in the LL Cool J song doing it.
Don't tell me you're going to Texas too.
Jaguars are cool name. Wow. That's what you took from that?
Do you think he's going to get off before this shit goes to trial? Cause too many powerful people are at play here or what?
There's one you're leaving out that's a pretty cool city.
If you're doing something that shady and there's a camera, isn't a party like, maybe I should do this.
I don't know. I haven't seen it, so I don't know.
Kevin Spacey. She turned it around.
You know what's crazy? I told you the Chaz Palminteri story, right? Maybe. You were out of town. I was supposed to go to Chaz Palminteri's one-man show.
He did our pod. He's the man. He's awesome.
Well, anyway, I was supposed to go to the one man show. I was so pumped to go and I got like pretty sick and I had fully loaded the next morning. I was like, if I don't rest up, it's going to be a long weekend. So I text him like, I'm so sorry. I can't, you know, I'm just feeling pretty rough, but I really want to see it. And he was like, I totally understand.
I see Mike Lavin, homeless pimp at the airport. The best. Who, you know, directed the show. Yeah. And I see him in the LaGuardia lounge and he goes, dude, it's like the Attell joke. You should have hung out. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck, what happened? He goes, Kevin Spacey came through. He goes, we had dinner with him all night. We got drunk. He was the man.
Maybe getting AIDS from a teacher would be scary.
All I'm thinking is if I got there, I would have got him on this pod somehow.
Kevin Spacey. I just feel like the Kevin Spacey ep of this would be fucking epic. I mean, Stormy Daniels did stand up for 10 minutes.
We're like, quit stand-up, but come on the pod.
It feels a lot like House of Cards.
The Clintons are the closest it comes to like Russians.
Where someone just says like, yeah, a gunshot. Bill Clinton is Teflon. Everything slides off.
He even came back from the DNC. I was like, what the fuck? I thought this guy was in trouble. Wild. It's the island. You can't get mad at Trump for what he did and celebrate Clinton.
Lines. A new line. Yes. You know Hulk Hogan was originally offered the George Foreman grill?
By the way, I didn't even know about that.
Let's get a tech thread started, the three of us.
And now he's an Olympic swimmer.
Jesus Christ. Wow. Paul Dano if things didn't work out.
Well, it's Trump, too. I mean, it's like, come on.
Well, Clinton was the classic example of a guy who got away with shit just due to charm.
It was due to charm that he got away with it for so long, that kind of slow southern accent. Oh, yeah. And just knowing how to game people. I mean, he just knew how to fucking crush people.
We need to get back to what made this country great. Straight, white. Tomorrow's straight up, but just kind of nice, man. A little fucking. Very nice. Yes.
A little after dinner drink makes that tummy feel nice.
Malort is fucking. That is rough.
Oh, no. Malort will fuck your ass up.
Why are we putting cinnamon in our whiskey? Unless Bodega Cat does a cinnamon whiskey edition in case I say it's a good idea.
I think they do that, don't they?
RTDs. Yeah, look, we're going to do that with Bodega Cat. We're going to do like Manhattan's, Boulevardier's, paper planes. We're going to do little cans. I love that shit when you're on like a flight and they have those little tip-top whatever. Yeah. Already made. I love that shit. When you're lazy, you just pour it over ice. You're good.
She's not a woman according to Reddit.
I'll be honest. That's one of my favorite hobbies. I love seafood.
We've got to chill. You just gave us the ice for the shaker. Oh, I see.
Then you could say the same of the Simpsons because they're Harvard writers. But are they making fun of Homer?
Or tell me a great anxiety joke. Don't just fucking tell me your problems. I didn't come here to forget my problems by just listening to your problems.
Although, how great would that be if this was somehow a plant? Oh, my God. If somehow they fucking got us.
And then slowly she's, like, she's sliding shit out that's, like, CIA stuff.
Finally, a girl's got a wild positive story.
She didn't show her tits. She just talked about how she sucked dick, and now she's the number four podcast on all of iTunes.
There's a grandma and her granddaughter, like, Hak Tua. It's her. She's the Hak Tua.
No. Oh, yeah, I do remember a little. Yeah, he was at one of the debates or something.
He was a meme for 10 minutes.
I know what you mean. Some of these just meet people. who have no aspirations to be a comic. I was just in Ireland, and every fucking person who stopped me on the street, I'm like, why is this dude funnier than me? What the fuck? So funny. I ran into so many people just walking around Dublin or Belfast. Oh, yeah. I fucking love it.
There's something about repressed Catholicism that makes me laugh, too, where it's the same shit in Ireland as it is in Boston. Yes. Where you're like, these dudes are just fucking funny. I know. But they're not trying to stand up. They're like, no, it's just for my friend. No, I'm just fucking, I'm busting chops. It's like that type of energy. Totally.
Right. Yeah, this wasn't for you. Congratulations. Comedy's for everybody.
I didn't say, hey, we should close down this restaurant because I'm not really into the menu. I was like, you know what? I just not nothing really resonated. Right. But you don't get angry. You're right. It's a very strange.
You just have to eat fish or something?
I have peeves. I've got peeves all the time.
Oh, yeah. Well, I got enough for all of us because- Well, okay. This is a fucking peeve. I got one.
Oh, that's- This happened. So I landed- They should be killed. I landed- Cutters, fine. On a red eye to London. And no sleep. And you land at Heathrow Airport. It's just like that fucking setup where you have to get on the elevator to get downstairs. That's crazy. Everyone's lined up. Everyone's just like, fuck. So we wait in line. This woman tries to cut in. And my girlfriend's psychotic.
She boxes her out. You mean awesome? I know. But I mean, but this is where she's psychotic. No, that was cool. And then and another woman, she goes, no, you get in. And she like boxed her out for another person to get in because they were online. And then we get in and the woman goes, oh, really? Oh, really? And then, you know, she just said back, nice try.
And she goes, oh, an American, of course. And she says back, bye, sweetie. And the door's shut. And I was like, we just got here. You couldn't let us have like a fucking 10 minutes in London before we could move on.
She was right with the bye-bye, sweetie. That's badass.
I hear it's a great movie, by the way. I heard Paddington 2 is flawless from what I've heard. I've never seen it, but people are like, that's the greatest movie ever. We're done with the pedophilia talk.
The line cutters piss me the fuck off.
I always get annoyed when the person is like, I got to make my flight and they cut the line. You're just like, Yeah, no, I do too, but I just woke up earlier than you.
Although, dude, I haven't gone international in a while, and my global entry ran out like a week and a half ago, and I was like, fucking kill me. So, you know, that was a pain in the ass. So you had to go with the general pop? general pop on the way back where you're like, when you're used to the global entry, but look, it's the first world.
The no bins is unacceptable.
I had a guy with that, yeah.
I'd rather be on one of the 9-11 flights.
Technology has come a far way and I still don't care for you.
I love a text before a call.
All right, all right, all right. I'll say this about the, I was just always in all the Scandinavian countries, you know, like Norway, Sweden, fucking Copenhagen, Amsterdam, amazing. Amazing. But it is amazing you're in like Copenhagen or, you know, Sweden or wherever and like, They all speak great English. I know. It's not their language. You make sure you're not such a piece of shit.
I'd walk into a store and they'd be like, blergan, blergan. I'd be like, is there a bathroom here? And they'd be like, oh yeah, right over there. And I'm like, you speak English?
Yeah. Those are beautiful countries too.
They call Pete Davidson's cock.
That makes me very uncomfortable. This is like a Jordan Peele movie. What the hell is going on?
Sweden's gorgeous, though. It is an incredible country.
I hate Sweden. My godfather's Swedish, and I don't know him well, but it's like he's like a very, you know, dignified, sweet man.
Well, my mom was a single mom at the time, so it's so funny that my godfather was just like a much older gay Swedish man who was like very posh. Amazing. And my mom was like, he'll raise you. If my mom died, I would have had the most different childhood ever. Oh, that's true. So I remember like, you know, I told my mom, I was like, does Johan want tickets in Sweden?
And she goes, I don't think Johan can handle your material. And I was like, yeah, I did just work on a cum in the sink chunk. Probably not for the best.
That is so funny. Damn. I would have a very different life.
I didn't care for that shit. That was a rough video.
And she took good care of him too. She's the reason he made it to like 72.
I think they were doing a documentary. Oh, wow. Which, by the way, the fact that he did that shit on camera. True. What's going on behind the scenes? Although Hollywood is such a funny book. I love that they put an ad in front of this woman beating video. And he was not a looker. No.
Damn. Gross. He was not a handsome man. He talked about it a lot. He knew. Oh, shit.
It wasn't like violent. It's just not good.
Yeah, he at least picked the right age. Look at Michael Jackson. He went to at least of age.
I mean, I've seen the- Dude, my friend, so my friend Alex Wolf is an actor and he's in Pig with Nicolas Cage and they're friends. And Alex is playing- You have to turn it up. He's playing Leonard Cohen in this movie coming out and it looks, it's awesome. I saw an episode of it. He's amazing as Leonard Cohen.
But he's playing me voice messages from Nick Cage and they're just everything you would hope. Whoa. Every message I'm like, wow, this guy's the coolest.
How many takes do you think he's doing of this shit? Yeah. Ah. Ah.
Oh, that's fun. Mark at his new apartment. Yeah, yeah. He's giving us some good entertainment. Oh, yeah. God bless him. Face off.
By the way, if you haven't seen Red Rock West, that's a fucking great Nick Cage movie from the 90s. Never heard of it? Underrated. Made by John Dahl, who did Last Seduction. Great movie.
I was going to say, I made a whole career on that show.
Yeah. Yeah, but Leo became famous at like 14, right?
Right, right. Also, you don't want to say it again in case they heard it and didn't like it the first time. It's tough.
Angelica Houston directed that movie? Whoa.
You're overstaying your welcome. You're a bitch.
Unless it's someone you really were close with. That's true. It is weird.
Or he's going to kill her.
Yes! 103 is insane. That's crazy. You really expected it to make it that long? That's crazy.
Yes, yes. What happens when this goes away and people are like, I can't hire you. You're bipolar. Oh, that's a good point.
Mark's got a great new bit about this.
Well, female comedians have stalkers.
You guys have more stalkers than we do, for sure. Definitely. I don't know. Yeah, definitely.
Well, I'm just saying. What if he started dating like one of those Down Syndrome models? What do people say then? They're like, oh, well, you know. Yeah. Is he a hero or is he a predator? Yeah, that's true.
I talked about it in like my – So is this guy effeminate?
It's not in the cards. It's also like the nuclear family is almost like over. Yeah, it feels like it.
Interesting. I understand that. But no, congrats on the kid. Are you going to have one? I don't know. You have to.
What are you kidding? I've got to hit 12.
It's more, now you found something else to live for.
Well, we want more of you on this podcast. Yeah. You're one of the best guests.
Truly, truly. You're great. No, this was such a good episode.
Whenever you're in New York, come by.
You go first because I got mine in my car.
I got... Hilarities, November 21st through 23rd, and then, you know, starting in February. We're going to add some club dates leading up to this. We're starting in February. We're going to get another tour cooking. Hopefully my material gets a little tighter.
We got Charlotte, North Carolina, Richmond, Virginia, Philly, Washington, D.C., Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, Mark's hometown, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham. Maybe I'll pop by and say what's up to your baby daddy right there.
Ellen Page played a woman in that movie. There was a lot of great acting going around.
We got New Haven, Connecticut, Providence, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Portland, Maine, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo, Albany, Columbus. I'm going on forever here. Royal Oak, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, blah, blah, blah. Samuel.com.
I'll be on the bus. So yeah, this is how afraid I am. I was like, I'll buy a bunch of Blu-rays for the bus. Watch Guy movie night on the tour bus.
I'm doing bus the whole fucking run. So 45 cities on the bus and then we'll do more in the fall. But yeah, punchup.live slash Mark Norman, punchup.live slash Sam Morell. Are you on Punch-Up yet, Whitney?
Do Punch Up. It's awesome.
See us on tour. Drink Bodega Cat Whiskey. DM Bodega Cat Whiskey on Instagram.
Yeah. And the baby's fine. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. But if you want in your city, you know, DM Bodega Cat. There's a lot of ways to do it. It's on Instagram, Bodega Cat Whiskey, at Bodega Cat Whiskey. And... It's a good time, man. It's a good whiskey. We're at the Strip House. Peter Lugers wants a piece of our shit, apparently. We're going through over 15 cases a week at the Comedy Cellar.
You know you want a piece of this shit. We're at all the comedy clubs that are hitting us up. This is going to be big. Miami Improv, Rhode Island Comedy Connection. All these clubs are hitting us up. If you're a comedy club, hit us up. Hilarities. We've got to hit them up. We've got to hit up all of them.
There we go. Well, hold the whoopee. Whitney, you're the best. See us all on tour. Just tried to queef, no doubt. We love you.
Is it legal? Then it's kind of like.
Yeah, so kind of who gives a shit?
It feels like you're waiting around. Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? So it's like also, Mark and I frequent at nightclubs. So, yes, we do know what you mean.
I think he got something there.
And it probably helps your career if you're a young model. Yes. And you're probably getting more work after.
Well, you're the cop. You're Harlan Williams, basically. We're Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels and Dumb and Dumber. We also got, by the way, we got Kit Kats. Nice. Because we heard you like Kit Kats.
So this is like Japanese Kit Kats. So it's crazy flavors. So there's dogs in it?
The best part is that he gets basically me too'd and everyone's like, oh, he's finished. And he comes out this night to like, yeah, look at this. Is this the night?
This one is Chihuahua. And then we have chocolate mint matcha.
This sounds like a VH1 show. What's wild about Hitler? There's someone recently that said Hitler the early years. I'm like, all right, he's not the fucking Stones.
No. No, but that's where he's in an incest and his cousin. Yeah, his cousin.
Let's do the math there. So that's like, she had what, a month?
It's Mikey Madison, right? From Menorah. It's a girl from Menorah. He lit on fire in that.
Yeah. I got to see this. We got to get Sean Baker on here. I think he'd come on, right? Simon's our boy. Maybe he could hook us up.
Dude, this is an awesome movie.
Yeah, and it's kind of funny like that was, too, but then also it's great. I loved it.
All right, I'll check it out. Check it out.
I'll follow you anywhere, buddy. All right. Next week, two comedians arrested for kiddie porn.
No, it'll math out. Save a month. 30 times what? Five? Is 150. So you said 130? Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. You bounce around. I could see that. Maybe she had longer than that.
He got kind of trashed, though, last time he did this, right?
Yeah, because they were like, it's just lacking in creativity.
Four will be dead. Yo, what's up, dude? Hey, hey. Thanks for coming through.
Yeah, I had the same thing with my kid. Oh, transitioning? Yeah, yeah. I went for it. No, look, I totally get it because you're like, what is it, a four-minute set? And then you're like 130. I get it, 140 sets.
Yeah, he said no, but I figured. Oh, okay.
Yeah. Watching some Blake Griffin dunks. Some highlights. Take it off.
Because I think it was the only hotel in that area. Yeah. He's got to be close to a billion. Probably. Well, because he never touched that Tonight Show money, they said.
And he's a pirate, too? Yeah. That's cool. It looks like number two in like the second Austin Pass.
Can you pull one of those, what they look like up?
Yeah. Those look awesome. That's a beauty.
How does that trade feel? What was the trade again?
No, Tobias Harris is a good player. Oh, okay. Blake was, I mean, still putting up crazy numbers, man. Thanks, man. He was. He did that, too. Thank you.
Dude, upset now. We got Jalen Brunson and Cat. I love this. I love Josh Hart. I know.
Well, you're going to be on Amazon next year with Dirk. Congrats, by the way. Thank you. But don't be another fucking show that just trashes my Knicks.
It's incredible. But you and Dirk is... That isn't awesome. Dirk is... I love Dirk.
I got to ask you because you said you're going to try not to shit on players. What do you make of the Shaq versus Dwight Howard beef that just won't die? Yeah.
See, I felt like I was doing both of those things. I was like, fuck this guy, but also like, oh my God, that's incredible.
Oh, man, I wanted to ask you about that FX show. Did you watch it, the one about the Clippers?
He had a more graceful death from what I've heard.
but yeah yeah so she killed it and she looked great even like the little silly stuff the Adam Sandler Chalamet thing you see that yeah yeah Chalamet Chalamet I mean Sandler was ready to go it's a risk to do the voice because she hadn't done an act out to that point it was all kind of just straight jokes totally and then she's like woo hoo ha ha you know the Sandler thing and you're like oh shit there's a risk but it worked it worked because it wasn't killing and then he saved it but then she kept going and then he brought it in and then she took another risk with that Pope thing I respected it
Jesus. He's like, you got to watch this. Well, the thing is, I'm like the target audience for a show like this, and I was like, I don't want to fucking watch this. I listened to the, there was one podcast I listened to. I think you were on it. Yeah, Ramona Shelburne did it. That was good. Yeah, yeah. So that's how they sold the show. Of course. Because no one will buy anything without IP now.
But that's funny that, like this show didn't need to be made.
Winning Time was great. Yeah, that was good. But the basketball scenes were still like, you know. But somehow they cast a guy that looked like Magic and Kareem. Yeah. That was great. Those two guys were amazing.
That book is awesome, too. I didn't read it. That Jeff Pearl book is like, it's crazy. I mean, any stories about Pat Riley are fucking... There were rumors about you going to the Heat for a while. Were you ever like – did you ever want to go to Miami or no? A little – yeah, a little bit.
Yeah, it's a hard thing to write. It's hard to write comedians because it just feels like you're forcing them to rib on each other too much. It's like, no, we also can just hang out.
But, yeah, it's hard to roast people who aren't in the room. So we just focus on, like, Diddy and Luigi because we're like, you've got to pick people in prison if they're not here. Right, right. What are we going to do, roast Machine Gun Kelly? We don't give a shit.
We had a bunch written, and we were working them out, and they were not working. People were like, what the fuck? Really? Taylor Swift. It is hard to segue Diddy to T-Swift, though. That's true. In their defense, I was like, we could have worked on that. Both have screaming girls at their parties. That was one that we cut.
She did the Conclave Wicked Musical thing.
I had another one like, yeah, she broke more barriers than a girl from Oklahoma trying to get an out-of-state abortion. Yeah. That didn't make it. They cut a lot of ones. We had a bunch of T-Swift ones that didn't make the cut.
Yeah, so not bad. Better than most. Do you get tapped to do a lot of comedy stuff? Because you did Broad City. You're good in comedy.
Oh, it's cool. Okay. You know, it was just silly. Yeah. Like she did a little bit of like that combination and then she started singing it and she did like a mic in her ear like, oh, this is terrible. It's bombing. And she was just trashing herself. Oh, that's good. Like I'm making a fool of myself in front of Elton John.
Didn't Kevin Hart beat Draymond in a shooting competition? Get out of town. Oh, yeah, that's right. They did an all-star. All-star. Draymond's, I mean. What? Yeah, Kevin Hart's not bad. That's embarrassing. I mean, look, I don't want to see him in an actual. I did the charity game at MSG this year, dude. I got to give you guys credit.
Going up and down the court is fucking – I had, like, retired NBA players being like, dude, pick it up on defense. It's for charity. I know. Tim Thomas was like, dude, get back. And I was like, I'm sorry I didn't play in the fucking – Was Jamal Crawford playing that? Dude, he was on our team. He carried us. He's still incredible. He's insane. He's incredible.
And he also, I mean, my mom wanted to come. So she's like sitting, you know, she's at courtside. I'm just like playing horribly in front of my mother, which is good. But Jamal Crawford's doing like spinning, fading threes. And she was like, this guy's incredible. I'm like, it's Jamal Crawford. Right.
For last games of your career... Dude, Jamal... I was such a fan of his and... I mean, you played with him for that whole time, right? That's crazy. He's awesome. He's just hilarious. He's calling Knicks games, and he's doing such a good job. None of us want to see Walt Frazier go because we love him, but eventually he will, and we're spoiled with him and Alan Hahn, who are both great.
I've gotten Mark into basketball in the last couple years, and I have to explain Walt Frazier to him how cool Walt is.
Oh, shit. Oh, my God. He was a stud, Darren Williams.
Dude. Oh, this is, that's on my Knicks. I remember that. Timafey. I watched that in a bar. Wow. And you were like super young here, right? That was my rookie year. Yeah. Oh. Because I remember being like, who the fuck is this guy?
I loved him, dude. So I remember that game, because I remember you had another spinning dunk that game, and Amari, it cut to Amari at the free throw line like... Like his way of being like, oh, shit, this kid's awesome. Damn. But he was also just, I mean, he dunked on me something vicious. Amari was so good that year. Oh, dude, he was. I loved him. He was. Best Jewish basketball player.
Hey, is that right? Oh, yeah. He converted.
Thank you. Wasn't born into it.
I think our next best is Dolph Shays from the 50s. Omri Caspi. Oh, yeah, he's good. Jordan Farmar, Jew. Jordan Farmar. Our first team Jew is not as bad as you think it would be. It's like saying Dave Chappelle's the coolest Muslim.
He's under Jewish players. Yeah.
I've had plenty of inboxes. Mark used to have a great joke about when someone's racist to you, it's like a weird feeling because you're like, well, this is fucked up, but I can't believe how much he trusts me. Yes, that's true. It is nice.
That is nice. It's a big thing, the whites. The Chappelle Show sketch where he did the black-white supremacist.
And he calls the kids the N-word, and they all high-five.
But you still bomb. Yeah. I still bomb all the time because I'm trying new shit, and you're like, oh, my gosh, still. I did New Joke Night at the Cellar last night, and I just watched Louis bomb.
yeah like a hard but we all bombed i mean it was like they were they were a tough crowd and we and if you're doing new shit you're gonna bomb but it's like man what a privilege to get to watch louis eat shit i know one of the best minds ever and some of them were hilarious but they're just they'll be great in like a week they're not ready yet yeah how uh like how often are you guys going up like right like this week how many times will you go up
I did two last night. I got three tonight. Wow. I think three last night, two tonight for me. I'm up every night this week, but yeah, I'm in writing mode because I'm going hard on tour next month. Doing new, yeah. So I just got, I mean, I'm starting like a 50 city tour, so it's got to be new and good.
I saw you on Norm's show back in the day, too. What? It was you and DeAndre. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is DeAndre a funny guy? Yeah, he's hilarious. He seems like a cool dude.
Maybe this is a sign that funny is back. It's not about anything but funny now.
I want to hear more about the war. That's what I want to hear. Yeah, exactly. More war references. Yeah, yeah, I know. More celebrities saying we need to do something. I mean, that was one of our best jokes is the one that, like, you guys can do anything except tell people how to vote. Woo! I mean, because it's kind of like that's the tone now, and that kind of, you know. Right. Whatever.
That's incredible. Imagine putting this in the pilot. I mean, this is, like, ballsy. That was fun. It's a great sketch.
Charlie Murphy, dude. Charlie Murphy, yeah. Paul Mooney. Oh, yeah. I mean, that was a fun show, man. We were watching it last time on the tour bus, and we're like, all these sketches hold up Player Haters Ball. Like, they all hold up. Prince. Prince. Oh, my God. That one was incredible.
What are your all-time comedy? If you were on the road as a player and you need a comfort watch before bed, what were you throwing on?
I love SNL. Love Spanish comedy. Listen, we've had SNL people on the list. Fucking Blake Griffin, man.
Amazon, right? You got something to promote? Yeah.
Pull up a clip of Kawhi's laugh. I mean, he's, like, awkward funny, right? Yeah.
One of the best, one of the most talented players. Oh, he's insane.
At the end, she said Sandy Hook wasn't real, which I thought was weird. I thought what Whitney did was really funny because...
I mean, Ernie is like one of the great hosts at anything. I mean, that's another skill, too, to put everyone at ease. You know?
up top she's just like i mean to me it reminds like the shit we would do on morning tv but you're on cnn new year yes so you're playing really to the people at home you're not you're gonna you have to just accept you're gonna bomb right that was a tough scenario and she she stayed in the pocket i couldn't believe it yeah i mean anderson cooper wanted to kill her yeah
And that was with Nate, too, right?
that's funny but also like god dude but it's tough when a dude who like has all the accolades shack has is just shitting on people who have so many less right probably the most i mean he's the most dominant player of all time
This is rough. I mean, both of them are rough, but Kimmel really gets lit up here. It's unfortunate. He grew up in Brooklyn.
Ted Cruz used to rock on West 4th.
That's embarrassing. I know. But this is not good. I mean, look, I played with the Rizzler, and even I can say this is bad basketball. Yeah.
did they do it in texas oh yeah it looks like yeah there's no way there's no way ted cruz had that many fans this is a home game yeah oh man poor isaiah thomas oh man what uh any um good drinking stories with players like even off night in the city and you're like we're getting we're getting lit up um yeah yeah uh
It's up there. It's on the internet. Probably okay to play, right? It's on the internet. What? Why? Because he's topless, you mean? Yeah. If you say so.
I've always wanted women to be more sensitive.
Mark, I'm not saying I have the best gaydar, but that is a lesbian right there. Oh, got it. WNBA is having a moment, though, I feel like. I mean, you know. I mean, Kaitlyn Clark is... She's awesome, right?
Sure. He is. That dock on him was brutal. Did you see that? No. I mean, he watched his brother kill himself. What? He had a dark life.
Is he Thai? Yeah. Yeah. You didn't see the racial draft?
Yeah. When someone's doing that, do you ever reach out like, oh, you're killing it or something? Do you ever send a message?
No, come on. I don't know. You're going to make the Hall of Fame. I hope. You're going now. We'll see. I think you're in. Rock and roll? Yeah. Right after the Ramones. This guy's in.
It's just, it's like that Shaq shit where it's like, dude, you reached the mountaintop and you won.
I think he was at home. No, he jumped out the window. Whatever he saw, you can look it up. I'm pretty sure we watched him. This is uplifting stuff.
What was it like? I mean, he's got the Kobe pickup. What was it like being in L.A. at the same time as Kobe and having to – I mean, you guys were the team. It's weird to be the Clippers, but you guys were the team.
Physically. I love Nikki's joke at the Globes where she goes, what was it? Fuck. I'm butchering the joke I'm bringing up, but it's like, you know, night bitch, queen. Oh, yes. Just things Ben Affleck says during...
No, we had Richard Jefferson on here, and I think that was the first time he mentioned the code switching thing. I think he might have asked him the same question. Is he mixed? No. He's just black, but he's— He's on TV. Might as well be mixed. Yeah. He's a pretty funny guy.
I think he's a cool—that was a great— Great—he drank a bottle of scotch alone. Oh, dude, he showed up to the cellar that night, and he left his wallet here, so I was— Ah!
he was oh he's missed he bought a bottle of lagavulin and i was like oh i guess i guess we're finishing this bottle yeah that's pretty awesome that was pretty you recorded where i was here oh here yeah all right he was great man yeah i imagine this is probably the earliest episode you've ever recorded i think it is we mentioned that but we're happy to get you in man what uh yeah i want to ask you a couple more things but i know you got a hard out but uh
Any, like, what was your favorite team to be a part of? I'm guessing it's the Clips. But that team always seemed like there was, like, a dysfunction to it.
I mean, the Sterling thing, I'm sure you've talked about this to death, but I remember that happened during the playoffs. That's when the tape was leaked. That's insane that you're in the playoffs. Did you feel like that really brought you guys together where you're like, all right, we're playing for something?
I know we got emailed this rec when we used to do more Patreon stuff and when we would take user emails. It's a movie called, fuck, another round. Oh. Danish movie, Mads Mikkelsen. Dude, it's amazing. With the booze. It's about these teachers who are all miserable.
Who do you think is more racist, Donald Sterling or just your average fan in Boston? I got a soft spot for Boston. I've taped my last special there. I love Boston.
Can you give me some positivity? Do you really think they're a second-round exit team? It depends on their matchup. I think the only team that is definitively better than us right now in the East is the Celtics. The Orlando Magic, with everybody hurt, they're better. I'd be honest though, they scare me because they play, that coach is really good. Oh, he's great.
And dude, Wagner, the Wagner bros, that sucks Mo is out this season, but Franz Wagner's incredible. He's nasty. Bonchero's incredible. Suggs is incredible. It sucks all these injuries they have, but that team actually is like a playoff nightmare. Losing Hardenstein ripped my fucking heart out because of how he played, man. I loved him. Losing Dante really hurt.
And they decide that, you know, they're talking about this philosopher who says your blood alcohol level is .5 too low, so if you can maintain an alcohol level of .5, then you're going to be better at your job. And this guy's a bore. Everyone can't stand him. He used to be interesting, but now he's just become boring. And now at school, the kids are loving him. He's engaging.
Randall, I've made peace with losing him. I was a Randall supporter until the end. We support ours here in New York, but Cat is ridiculous.
So what are you going to do to get that? Trades. So who are you going to trade? We'll figure it out. We get Mitchell Robinson back. You know, bring up TJ Warren from the G League. Do you think he could still play? He's only 31. I haven't seen him play in a couple years, so I don't know, but he's talented.
He's talented, and then we get, you know, I think we bring up Tyler Kolek, give him some more minutes. I know he's a rookie, but I like that. We're getting real deep right here. I know. Healthy Deuce makes a big difference. That guy, I love Deuce McBride. Yeah. Look, the Celtics were only a starting five for a minute, too. It took them a second to figure out the bench.
I think just give us a minute. We didn't know Peyton Pritchard was going to be this good. We didn't know. I did. Really? Well, I didn't know. He looks like a Rick and Morty character. I didn't think he'd be torching everybody. Pull up a picture of this guy.
works so hard like just just the hardest no like he's one of those guys where you watch him playing you're like oh he's he's got like that that thing yeah i didn't know that like i didn't i didn't see this for him i he's surpassed what i thought he was going to be he's incredible do you think they're going to win it all again or do you think okc if they stay healthy i think they're they're the they're the by far the favorites this is who sterling wants hanging out with his
His wife is fucking him again. But then it's like, of course, it spirals out of control.
So there's parts that are a little slow, but you've got to give it a minute to build. And, dude, the ending's amazing. It's awesome.
I'm sorry. Can we cut? I think your sub in could be a sketch thing. I think the idea of like a surgeon, he's having like a bad day. He's killing someone. They're like, get a sub in here. Oh, yeah.
Our buddy Ronan Hirshberg, who, by the way, made a short horror film that is amazing. Come on! I loved it.
I had one last night that got something about like I have this whole like Luigi CEO chunk working. And now one of the things that bugs me is the the CEO. Everyone's like he was a father. And I'm like, well, that's sad, but that doesn't make me care more. Like, if a single person dies, I'm not like, well, luckily he had no one.
Yeah, I think it's hard when the people who are like celebrating a murder, but it's tough also because protests don't do shit Yeah, it's not gonna change health care.
Yeah We're not gonna know who it is. They're not gonna put him on the website the new vigilante.
He loves it. Oh, great. Okay. It's what he said. He's like, you should watch this. I'm like, all right, slow down. He goes, I hate everything, so my rec should carry more weight. And I go, you know what? You got a point.
Yeah. That's more than most Americans are doing, I think, right now. I think most people are, like, calling him a hero.
He's actually going to be played very soon by Timothee Chalamet. It's his next character.
He was the cover of Rolling Stone.
There was another thing on the news where they're like, he's a fucking coward for shooting this guy in the back. And it's like, is shooting him in the front that much better? Hey, excuse me. Turn around.
Turn around. Yeah, that's true. There it is. It's all bad. Adolf.
I mean, look, Nick Nolte won sexiest man. Shit, looking back on stuff. Did he really? He was sexy back then, though.
He was on the way down, but they got him right at the...
100%. Yeah, I mean, that's not a great look.
We don't want to keep you. We know you've got another pod, man. But thanks for coming by.
I would get Michael Phelps with Down Syndrome. They threw in the second part always.
But is he in the NBA without LeBron? That is the question. Uh. Thanks for having me, guys. Like Jake Busey's the fine actor. Is he in movies without Gary?
That was great. Thanks for having me. Yeah, starting the bus tour, folks. Charlotte, North Carolina, Richmond, Virginia, Philly, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Austin, Dallas, Houston, NOLA, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta. We're going hard. It's all February. Durham. Ooh. New Haven, Providence, Portsmouth, New Hampshire. I'm going to sell it to there. I can't wait.
Portland, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo, Albany, Columbus, Royal Oak, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee. This could go on forever. You guys get it. I'm coming to the West Coast, too. I'm coming all over. So if you didn't hear your city there, it is probably there or it's coming in the fall. Punchup.live slash Sam Morrell slash tickets or just Sam Morrell dot com slash shows.
Mark, where are you going to be, man?
Yeah. Cool city. Dude. Yeah, very cool. Well, thanks to Blake Griffin. That was a great episode. He's awesome. You know the drill. Dude, I think we just got in San Antonio. We're moving. We're moving everywhere. New merch coming too. We're changing up the merch a little bit. Oh, yeah. It's a lot of cool stuff coming with Bodega Cat. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Order a bottle.
But also, dude, we're going to have a big year. A lot of cool shit cooking. Mark and I got cool shit cooking.
Wheels are in motion, baby. We're moving.
The problem with the thing is we already have ADD, him doing the things. You were in the middle of another story. I know, and he brought the cans out. You're talking about Squid Games. He's bringing up pictures of Nikki's legs. Literally Googled Nikki Glazer's boobs. The problem is this is like when your friend's ignoring you while he's on your phone, but you see his phone.
He typed in her legs. It was already up there for some reason. He'd already been searching this.
I was going to say I thought she's grown as a comedian.
No, you're right. She's definitely, it's like when a player starts rebounding, too.
Not just a score anymore. You're doing all the other stuff.
Are you a leg man, a butt man, or a breast man?
Me too. I resent when people ask, but I felt I needed to ask.
Because you want that Jessica Rabbit type.
Well, that is kind of a part of having a great ass sometimes.
I'll move on. It is funny, though, when you're like you're just so obsessed with for me, like tits is the first thing you're into when you're young. Like ass you appreciate as you're a little older. That's true. When you're really young, tits, it's all about, oh, my God, tits. Yeah. And then you hold them. You're like, they're just tits. You know what I mean?
But you see all these movies and you're like, oh my God, the reveal of the tits, we built it up so much. But then same with fake tits. You're expecting this amazing thing and you're like, they don't move a lot.
I guess they make nicer ones now than, you know.
No, real wrestling's not as good.
I went to wrestling at MSU. It was fun as hell, man. Did I tell you that?
Yeah. Fun. That's awesome. It's on Raw now. It's on Netflix now.
Yeah, it's fun. And you see some people around you, you're like, oh, these people, they fucking need this. I like that. Yeah. I like that there's some hardcore people that are like, I don't know.
Yeah, for sure. And that they're both awesome.
I'm sure these wrestlers who gave everything to their life are really happy with the comparison. A, B, whatever.
That's true. Wrestling, and that might be better than wrestling, because wrestling, people get hurt.
The still shots are pretty funny, though. He looks like he's just laying down. Yeah, he does. He's like, hey, you need to lay down for a second, buddy? Doesn't look painful.
Dude, think about how sore we are just flying. Exactly. We're just flying to a road gig. I'm like, fuck, I'm stiff. These dudes are doing that and then just jumping off a top rope. They're older than us.
Oh, yeah. King Kong Bundy. No. I guess they all had to have three names. Yeah. They're like school shooters.
Yeah, it's not a good look. Also, they could have picked a more flattering outfit. I think that was the point. Yeah. Oh, man. Look at that. He looks like the fucking sloth from Goonies.
Yeah. He's a hunk. Fucking dead, dude.
Died young. There you go. Hell do. How'd he go? He was a drug addict and an alcoholic for years, and I think DDP got him healthy. Diamond Dallas Page is an incredible guy, and he just gets people. He'd had this yoga program where he would let these guys live with him, and he just got them sober.
He saved a lot of lives, and that was one of them, but I think-
Got to appease the guests sometimes. You got that right, Fatty. Here we are. Mix it up. Went whole milk in the coffee today.
You're right. That's interesting. Yeah, I mean, I kind of was like, they kind of nailed season one. I was kind of like, what are they going to, also the problem with some of these turnarounds with these big budget shows is like, by the time the second season comes out, you're like, oh yeah. I know, I know. It's so, like, what's it been, two, three years since this show was out?
Yeah, the hair is all different.
Yeah, all right. Look, I thought the first one was pretty incredible.
Got pineapple and AIDS test. Test, not the actual watermelon. I haven't seen a fruit since, well, I feel like you should finish this one.
since something something gay yeah since the bar last night wow you smell great you look sharp it's a aqua uh aqua no carla de gregor what's a girl from uh she was a judge on america's uh yeah next best uh dance carla de gregor can you look it up for me jamie it's a migrant i know carla day i get aqua digio and this bitch mixed up all the time here it is laid it on thick there phil
Well, I got a Persian friend that showed me how to do it.
Tommy Hilfiger, polo sport. Oh, yeah, cool water. Cool water. That was the first cologne I remember my son was wearing when he first fingered a girl.
Which was about a couple hours ago. I sent after that. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to go inside of it when you've got your finger. There she is. That'll burn. It burns. So does loneliness, though. That's true. Well, we've all been through a lonely time. I got some gifts. Speaking of being lonely, I got some gifts for you guys.
Well, I was told specifically by your producer, Matt, don't come empty-handed.
Yeah, real Jew-y move. It's all right. I got a bar mitzvah coming up. I can say that. We'll be right back. Long sleeve Phil shirt, and we got one for you, Mark. Thanks. And then one for you, Sam. You can open it yourself.
all right cool thanks if you don't like it also i got a copy of my book we've got issues just a little promo press tour but we'll talk about a bunch of stuff well we got you some tequila if you're if you want to have a drink oh i'd love a daytime drink i'm a big fan of the show but i'm a bigger fan of daytime drinking with fun people hell yeah and i think that's one of the things you guys bring to the table it's not just good vibes and good energy but uh you drink with the right people at the right time
What kind of drink do you want? Do you want a tequila? I'd love a straight tequila. I mean, I'll suck down some of the Bodega Cat just for sponsor purposes.
And I have had it before. It is tasty.
Yeah, big fan. Thanks. You can put my name, put my lips on it. Oh, we have? Doctor's orders. What is this now?
You want ice or no ice? Let's go ice.
Are you on this tour now, Mark, where it's like, let's go to all the cities that I forgot about?
Bill Hicks calls it the flying saucers tour.
Yeah, too soon. But I think there's something to be said about showing up for people when they show up for you, right? Hear, hear. All these little cunt bags are commenting on your shit on YouTube. Tell me. Might as well go see them live and show them what's up.
See me live. MarkNorman.JeremiahWatkins.com. He killed that AI. I think he did. That was funny. Good to see you guys. Can I ask you a Dr. Phil question? You're going to ask me? I'm an open book. I came on this show. Matt said, bring gifts. He said, be an open book. Bring your own book and leave your monkey pox at home.
I put her over the top. The fact that she's on OnlyFans, I feel like I've got a lot to do with. The money she's made since was all her own hard work and her own doing.
And grinding, yeah. If you show labia, I mean, it's a – look. It's no secret to you or I. You guys know how to run a business. More like gash me outside. Yeah. I forgot that gash was an old term for the vagina. Let's go through them real quick. Let's do a little round robin, and whoever runs out first has to take a shot.
Oh, never mind. Yeah, well, there's different shots of her. What is she famous for? She just said cat. She was a real twat to me on camera. Oh, that's right. And I said, you got some issues going on, but don't sweat. We all do. And I talk about that in my book, We've Got Issues. You got that right. Dude, first of all, cheers. Cheers. Good to see you. Mazel tov. Only see you live on your specials.
Same shout out, Amazon Prime, Marky Mark, YouTube, and Netflix. You own those fucking websites.
Yeah, she definitely, I mean, she looks like an AI rendition of if somebody was like, give me Ricky Martin as a woman. And then AI was like, how's bad baby? They both love Dick. Yeah. Oh, bad baby's her name. I remember where I was when Ricky Martin came out. Please. Isn't that crazy? I remember where I was on 9-11 and where I was when Ricky Martin came out of the closet. Both cases donating blood.
Panera. Oh, yeah. Really? Too soon.
Just don't like to get the booze and mustache.
Yeah, but she went hard in the paint. And again, you show a little bit of skin, it goes a long way. OnlyFans really took advantage of her being like, I don't give a fuck. So, Sam, she came on the show. She said... you know, something, something, blah, blah, fucking I'm a bitch. And then I was like, it feels like it. And then something else. I tried to help her. I always try to help.
You got to try to meet them halfway. And then she said, again, something, something. I tune out sometimes. You ever do a podcast and you're just like.
i was i feel like i set you up for that she walked so hoctua could spit no i feel like that's so funny hoctua is the next bad baby yeah i love bill maher bill maher talking to hoctua oh really you're famous for hoctua oh that's a good show yeah you had her on you dumbass look mad about also he was talking to her thank you so much thank you he was a little uh he was starting to get into harvey weinstein territory it was a
little flirty it was a little flirty she's 21 maybe i don't know 22 i believe you know and that's her uh dad to figure out what's going on after that but but bill maher was yeah just getting in her and obviously high as balls i don't think you want to be a middle-aged man high as balls around a young girl who's known for hocking on cocks And that's the first time I've said that today.
Everywhere. We had her on the Dr. Phil. She's pretty funny. She's charming. She's not bad. I like that she's not all about it. I think she seems thrown off, and she's like, yeah, this is kind of new. People are like, do stand-up. She's like, I don't know. Maybe I'll just live a couple more years. Right, right. Gain some perspective.
She's like real hardcore white trash. Yeah, totally. Yeah, I think she's a crack baby. I saw her clip on a Whitney's pod and Matt Rife called her up and she said, I'm a crack baby. And it didn't seem like a joke.
The accent's fun, yeah. The spin's a little aggressive. My wife Robin's more of a, she licks her hand. Oh, wow. I thought this was a safe space. Okay. I thought we could talk about it.
that's true same thing she sucks a dick now you're gonna be like yeah she didn't hock to her yeah good point oh wow yeah whoever hooks up with her next is gonna be uh the bar has been set right yeah where's pete these days who's he fucking uh i think he's a bad baby bad baby wouldn't be great if he just went down a hole like where are they now you know people to fuck like he just went through like the whole celebrity rehab and and just you know him and lavar burton end up in a menage a trois
Yeah, the last time I was with a whore was probably, I want to say Reno. You guys have performed there. It's whore heaven. It's whore heaven. And even if they're not whores, they're thinking about it. Oh, yeah. Reno's got that. There's something in the water there where everyone's just like, fuck it, you know?
A lot of Ninja Turtle mesh jerseys. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, weird things. You're like, you didn't even get that at Goodwill.
Atlantic City. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there's a ton of HIV there. But it's one of the casinos that, you know, they try hard. They want to be like a place where Sting will perform. Right. But he ain't going there. He ain't going. Maybe Little Kiss, the midget band. Maybe you'll see them on a fucking Friday afternoon.
A peck on the cheek. I got it. I was thinking of Matt Mardigan when he called the dwarves pecks. Maybe that's why he did it. Val Kilmer was like, you're a peck. You're a little kiss. You're a little thimble. You ever see Willow, Sam? I haven't. It's been fun. Thanks a lot, guys. I usually can't hang around people who haven't seen Val Kilmer's finest cinematic achievement. Better than Tombstone?
What's that, the pizza? Oh, I got it. Okay, look at us just fake leaving. Willow is, yeah, I mean, this guy. The good movie? It's phenomenal. Who is that, Pelosi? Tugs of your heart strings. Oh, funny. That's her in about 15 years.
15 she's already 91 i think is she really no that's uh kathy bates who is kathy no that's uh rachel ray who is that the guy the little oh that willow of good by the way you can't even have a cool dwarf name of good is your last name i don't think that's the name i'd rather be a fucking fart stab or cock ring oh yeah boy look at a young val yeah see val yeah that's a hot guy pre uh pre whatever he went through
Yeah, I think throat cancer, much like Michael Douglas. Douglas. Well, but Val got it just from laugh, and Michael got it from top shelf. Now, is that really – did he really do that? Did he really get it from that? Apparently. Apparently. Because that's a great story. It's a weird thing to blame it on. It is. He's in the hospital. He's like, you did this to me, you fucking bitch.
Do you think he panicked? Do you think his friends were like, throat cancer? We told you to stop smoking. He goes, I wasn't. I don't do it, Michael Douglas.
Yeah. My Douglas RFK are pretty much the same. You know how Johnny Depp and Eddie Vedder are pretty much the same impression? Oh, oh. See? Who is that? I can't tell. That's Johnny or that's Eddie, yeah.
Oh, I thought you were going to say Eddie Vedder. I could see him as Bob Dill.
God damn. That's the last time I want to look at Michael Douglas. Is that him? Unfortunately. Yeah, I hate that. He's in his 80s, buddy. That's my least favorite part about life, aging. What about you, Sam? What do you hate the most this time of year? Jeez, this fucking weather, man. Oh, it's too hot. You're struggling, right? Muggy.
Yeah, I mean, look, I definitely had to go in and out of a Nordstrom rack on the way here just to kind of get the veins cooled down.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. That is one of those things that I forget when I come to this city. I forget. I do like the smells. A lot of people probably shit on the city for the smells. I love it. I think it adds a little flavor. I live in Los Angeles and Texas part-time, and it's a lot of milfy, cokie vibes.
Yeah, well, okay, well, you just talked yourself out of a coupon for a free bottle of it. What sort of cologne do you wear, Mark?
You look more like a Fruity Pebbles guy. Like you just take the milk, the residue, and just kind of rub it on your tits. I love residue. Favorite cereal? Don't even think.
They don't even make that.
Wait a second. Dude, they haven't even upgraded the box, Sam. It's still the same font. It looks like slave or KKK font. It does. Can you say that?
It looks like old turds. The berries aren't doing anything to disguise the shitty nuggets that I'm staring at. Well, give me your guys' favorites.
There you go, like a true gay guy.
Give me the peanut butter. Don't put it on the dog. Put it right on me. Yeah. I'll say this. I'm a big Frosted Flakes guy, Tony the Tiger. I've done a lot of conferences with a guy that was dressed like him. Oh, they're great? They're pretty good. They're not bad. I wouldn't say they're great. They're fine.
It's boring to me. The Tiger's a good mascot. Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios I'll fuck with. But if you really want to know, if I take a couple rips of a Gravity Bong and watch an Amy Schumer special, I usually go right into... Boy, let's say, I'm going to say Fruit Loops or Trix. Trix is solid. Fruit Loops is fucking solid. Don't sleep on Fruit Loops. Fruit Loops are fucking good, dude.
And they hold up, and you can leave them out for days. Let's say you got a cat, and you know cats, you can leave them alone for a couple years, right? That's the beauty. You come back, cat's dead. Fruit Loops still live and ticking. Not like crackling oat bran or whatever the fuck you're feeding your moles. Took me a second there. We'll edit this out. Now, Froot Loops are flying.
Froot Loops are slept on for sure. How about Fruity Pebbles, though? Fruity Pebbles, I'll go to town for those. I'll go to bat for those.
Well, you know, you're just eating paste, Mark. I've seen your vlogs.
were you a pace kid as a kid no come what was he no uh yeah were you a because you both strike me as guys that dared the kid the fucked up kid sure like lick a slug or eat a fart yeah yeah which one was it i was definitely lighting farts you were lighting but i didn't want i didn't want to subject i was the one who i was the one who would be dared to do it oh yeah yeah for the laugh
With a laugh, right? With a laugh. We all, I think, had that in us, right? And, you know, me more as I've gotten older. Early on, I was like, I just want to help. But now I want to get the chuckle in, you know? Yeah. It's fun. I see what you guys do. It looks like a lot of fun.
Totally, yeah. We had a teacher we dared. That was harder to do in New York City.
Oh, yeah. Just fucking dead. Yeah, unless you're Spider-Man or Tobey Maguire.
yeah i barely got the energy out of the room yeah sorry that's okay question yeah go ahead the other dr phil acknowledge you oh yeah yeah we're oh yeah okay we're gonna do that yeah this is me right now there's another guy walking around sure there's another guy walking around yeah it's all good yeah he's a fan yeah that's good what about you is the other uh simpsons comic book guy out there
Does he acknowledge that you're the real-life version of an animated historical figure? No. What's on your porn search right now? Pull it up. Can I guess? Oh, I dare you. I bet it's black babysitter, and then you type in some weird toy attached to it. You do have the vibe that you'd be into black chicks. Yeah, black chicks.
Yeah, I bet you're like Pakistani massage or something.
Yeah, that's fine. I was just joking anyway.
My ass. So you have to type in what, a password? Or it's just legal? You have to download your shit and bring it?
That's a classic one. Sounds like something Rogan came up with. He's probably got access to all the sites, right? I think anything in Texas, they shut down. Him and Ted Cruz, they still got it. Yeah, there's Lobster. Dear God. He's got everything. I recognize most of these gals. I think we've had them on the show or went to middle school with that middle one.
Hey, this is a fun game called Let's Just See.
Yeah. All right. Speaking of huge hogs, being back in New York is getting me fired up. We actually, and I want to mention this before we get too fucked up, doing some live theater dates with the show. Whoa. Beacon Theater, November 15th. Whoa. I know you guys are fucked with that. Beacon's a beauty. Trying to follow in your footsteps. And then we got the Miller in Philly on October 25th.
Capital One Hall in D.C. on the 26th. Celebrity Theater in A.Z. on December 6th.
And then the San Diego Civic Center on December 7th. These are big rooms there. Huge rooms. Maybe too big. D.C. 's already about sold out, so that's cool. Wow. D.C. 's a great one. Yeah. The Capital One Hall, you been there? The great room. I did the Warner last. The Warner's cool, too. They told us Tyson's Virginia was where all the...
all the fats all the fatties were shane shut us yeah okay cool yeah but beacons should be great i i've seen a lot of fun stuff there um that's november 15th all the tickets at adamraycommy.com amazing you're gonna need some big space to fill uh if oprah shows up she is holy shit well we're trying the black lady she's she's a big one she goes back and forth but we all fluctuate you know
She Flux good, I hear. She does. She does. She's got, yeah, there's that Jewy guy. You know, there's a few comedians I try to really support in their up and up, you know. Looking hunky there. Stavros, this fucking Jew, and then what's her name? Debra Giovini. Sure. Yep. She's funny. She's funny. And then you guys, of course. I've been following you guys since the Geico days.
deep cut but anyway uh check out and then adam ray's got a special like and subscribe on youtube see so tubi oh yeah you think tubi will ever get back in the game jeremy they're in the game they are in the game but it's it's a weird game it is weird can i tell you a quick tubi story so i'm on a deep dive right uh in texas no porn uh and uh rogan wouldn't return my text
So I said, well, what the fuck do I do? Go to Tony Hinchcliffe's house and sit in his hot tub? He didn't have it yet. So I said, I'm going to pull up Tubi and just bounce around and scroll. I scrolled for about 20 minutes, Sam, before I locked in on a Michael Jackson movie that was on Lifetime. But Tubi bought it, of course. And it was through the eyes of the security guard.
And the guy with Michael Jackson, I think was an Asian guy. Don't cancel me. But every other scene had a different voice and accent.
Next scene, he was like, I'm fucking hungry. And you're like, who is this guy? Yeah. And what'd you do with Daniel Day-Lewis? But the movie was fucking dog shit. But I watched it all.
A little bit of the childhood, but also a little bit of what was going on. When he went to a mall in Vegas, remember, and he'd buy Celine Dion's vocal cords or Jeremy Renner's butt plug. Remember, he always might spend millions on weird vases and art.
Yeah, and that's where they store it. Sorry, I had a mac and cheese portable on the way over here.
Well, yeah, you got to if you're The Rock.
I owned The Rock the movie on DVD. Go ahead, Sam. What's the weirdest thing that you've used for your money, Dr. Phil? I probably rented out a small space in West Hollywood, like a little one-act theater space. And we did an act out, kind of a stage reading of that Sean Connery clip where he told Barbara Walters, you can hit women. We just did like a stage reading of that.
We had a bunch of celebrities come through. We had Breckin Meyer from Garfield. We had Richard Kind, who's been in everything, right? Bugs Laff, I think. And then we had a guy who knew Sean Connery. And then we had, who else? Candace Cameron Bure, who apparently hates trans people.
is that she don't quote me on that but i read something that said like you know full house ain't so full if you're at candace's thanksgiving well she's a big uh really big it you know just stop there she's a big that's what it is she's a big it yeah dj tanner well her and kurt cameron you ever see that piers morgan i think i don't watch piers morgan anymore because you know i got to be but but piers morgan did this whole interview where he was like
Kirk Cameron, what's up with gays? I forget how he phrased the question, but Kirk Cameron had said something about like, yeah, it's man and a woman time. It's not man and man time. That's fucking gross. There he is. Boom. God, you're good, James. First name again? Is it really? Oh, fuck. Okay. Matt, thank you, brother. Oh, wow. Yeah. Nice pause, Kurt.
Detrimental. To so many of my dreams. I have so many gay dreams. I'm Kurt Cameron, and I can't stop taking a melatonin gummy and dreaming of butt fucking.
that's what he wanted to say but he's like let me just turn this on them you know when you get off stage and you have like a mediocre set you guys are always throwing darts against the wall that's why i love you you guys fucking press the uh envelope hell yeah take that fist in the air put it to mine but i think that kirk's doing the opposite instead of when you get off stage and you go shitty crowd you guys are good at going now what the fuck did i do kirk gets off and goes look at those gay guys fuck in the park yeah i don't know where he is where that's happening but that's
He sees it, and instead of going, I'm fucking turned on by that, he goes, that's unnatural. Right. I mean, I don't know. We can keep this in or take it out. He looks like a boy. I mean, that's the weird thing when you... A hard to heart he wanted to say. Everything's boner with this guy who was a character on the show.
Is this a question if my kid was gay? Yeah.
Hit pause, Matt. We do have all issues. And I talk about that in my book, We've Got Issues. Chapter 26, Don't Let Kirk Cameron Stop You From That Grinder Date. So it's a short chapter. They get pierced in the butthole.
You know, he could hit a punchline in a kitchen next to Alan Thicke. Wow. Another penis-related guy in his life, you know? Thicke. Thicke, you know? He probably had a tough time even looking at his TV dad because he was thinking about cock the whole time.
We got to talk about it. I've seen too many clips. And I don't feel bad for him. No. I do feel ashamed for his family that you didn't know to tuck that shit or tape it up. I know, tape it up. Buffalo Bill that shit. Buffalo Bill that shit. I think there's part of me, I don't know how talented he is, but part of me thinks he did that on purpose to get his shine. To get a flashlight.
Get a Fleshlight sponsor.
Let me show you the clip, bitch. Let me show you the clip. In fact, they're playing at the bar because every bar has Chive TV. Yeah. Chive TV. Shout out. Yeah, he lost the, I mean, that is, look at that. Everyone's doing, everyone's doing, yeah, look at that. RFK's, yeah.
And he's a French guy, too. I know. Now, riddle me this, Sam. Do French guys historically have, you know, are they, do they get the gift of penis? You know, it's not my area of expertise, doctor. Don't you lie to me.
If the Jamaican runner can tape up his schlong, this guy can hide his... If John Candy can coach a Jamaican bobsled team, I think this guy can somersault his wing to a fucking presser. I didn't think it was going to be a white guy who knocked that down with his deck. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's a great point. It also looked... I mean, it didn't just hit it.
It fucking... It looked like he was trying to wrap itself around the pole. That was a real boing-oing moment. Feel the rhythm. Feel the rhyme.
That's a good Jamaican accent. I take back what I said on the internet. That's pretty cool. Look at that.
I wonder what happened when the... Is there footage of the commentators when it went down? Because you know they play this shit on repeat.
Yeah, go to the Winter Olympics. Go to the Winter Olympics. You guys are quick. Did Snoop Dogg commentate this? Oh, yeah, good question. Because that'd be fun. He's making bank, I hear. Would you guys do that? Yeah, why not? In a heartbeat. I think that's next. It's a good trip. I used to think, you know, remember when they put Dennis Miller in the Monday Night Football booth? Oh, yeah.
It was okay. I didn't love it. Not the right fit. No, I would have rather. At that time, I would have put Frank Caliendo in there or just have voice after voice calling downs. I think Adam Ray would have been perfect. He would have been okay. A little Jewy for my taste. A little hacky.
Theo Vaughn did the college football, right?
Oh, he ripped it up on there. You do need a character, right? Because Theo's actually from Burbank, which is the crazy part. The accent's all put on.
It's a hairpiece I heard, too. It's a hairpiece. Oh, really? We've all got hairpieces at some point.
I don't get it. Well, we'll take a break, and we'll see if you do get it, Mark.
Okay, well, sometimes mixing it up is the way to break through, you know?
Sometimes as long as no one's fucking with you is yourself, and you've got to take some chances. We're having a good time. Guys, what's your favorite color?
We got to talk about this. Marky Mark, you came on. Sammy, we got to make that happen. I know you. Whenever you're out there. Come on, I want to do it. Try to make it work. We'll figure it out. Whenever you're out there next. It was supposed to be me and Chrissy back in the day. It was supposed to be you and Chrissy, yeah. And then Chrissy canceled a few times and then- It's Chrissy Teigen.
Oh, wow. That's Chrissy Teigen.
I think you got to swap them out, bring in Rob Lowe. That's who you're touring with now. I like it. Stavi. Stavi, yeah. I mean, look, if you're going to a casino, you know, first time I met Gary Veeder was when I joined along. Him and Adam Ray did a casino in Minnesota. Oh, fuck. I think Mystic Lake. Are we going there? We might be in Minnesota. And they actually saw Little Kiss there.
You can ask Gary about it, but what a rock star. By the way, Gary Veeder's podcast, it's out in its entirety now.
I'm at the top of my dick, but I'll still watch it.
There is something about what you did at the store, Mark. You went hard in the paint. It was you, Burt Crasher, Goo Goo Dolls, Tony Inchcliffe, Dr. Pimple Popper. That's right. And you were legit grossed out by that zit. Oh, I ate half of it. Zits on the surface aren't a fun thing to look at. No. But when you see them up close like that, it takes another...
Yeah, I mean, there might be clips of it somewhere.
Oh, my wife, Robin, sometimes I'll try to get her in the mood. I'll put on, oh, shit, I don't know, Chevy Chase's Vegas Vacation. Sure. She loves that. She loves Wayne Newton, right? All women love one of...
fucking you know sit on wayne newton's face oh yeah so i put that on to kind of grease the wheels maybe some phil collins a lot of yankee doodle candle and then uh next thing you know uh she's getting on me to straddle me but she's popping a neck pimple not to ride me because she sees some sort of uh you know uh you know footlocker cyst yeah and she just wants to uh what is it take a bite out of crime this was the episode with pimple popper she pulls this goo out of this guy's neck yeah so we had a comedian come up here
Watch this. She goes for it.
Yeah, Mark couldn't handle it. Look at that.
I'm freaking out. Yeah, Bert was moments away from taking his penis out. And Mark... No. I think Mark steps off stage. Worst thing ever. Where's this guy from? He's a comedian named Sandy Danto. Yikes. We had to blur that for YouTube purposes, but that was real goo. Consider that a cum shot? Yep. Yeah. And then watch what comes out here. Good plug for Jerry.
Check it out. So Mark's like, I'm out of here. And then I said, well, I'm a showman first and a doctor second. So people go nuts. Let me look to the side cam. No! You got it.
You got it. Brody Stevens style.
Well done. Because the people were clapping. You've never done something you didn't want to do because the fans went berserk?
Comedy. Comedy, baby. Wow. Yeah, so that's what the show's turned into. A little bit of fun. Then we got some Goo Goo Dolls at the end. We sang Iris.
I met them at Stern about five years ago. They actually, I went to Adam Ray's wedding. They played his wedding.
Yeah, pretty cool. Played Iris for the first dance song.
Yeah, Goo and a Goo Goo. Favorite 90s band. If you could have them play at your wedding, funeral, circumcision.
That's a hell of a- My Chemical Romance, Vertical Horizon. Sam, you strike me as a, nope, I don't know them.
Mix-a-lot does, not safety dance. What's the, bam, bam, bam, bam.
Yeah, that's from Mix-A-Lot. No. Okay, fuck me.
Yeah. Let's go. Leonard Cohen, Everybody Knows. Walking in Memphis? Yeah, why not? I love that.
Great song. Oh, yeah. That's a great song to leave your family to. Yeah. What's your karaoke song? I'd probably... I'd probably say Annie Lennox. Oh, yeah. Or Queen. Anything Queen. Bohemian. I sang Bohemian Rhapsody at a gangbang. It didn't start off as a gangbang, but you know sometimes you walk into a barbecue and everyone's just fucked up already, right? Yeah. Zimas are flowing.
There was Parcheesi out. Twister. But it was upstairs. You know when everyone's like, Twister's upstairs.
prince mercury oh yeah uh yeah twister i think is what did it yeah okay yeah it might have been the butt fuck yeah i don't know it could have been uh there's a there's no wrong way to eat a reese's don't tell kirk cameron don't tell kirk that's the name of my memoir don't tell kirk cameron it's about uh epstein island and uh baskin robbins how they got going
But we were fucking around at this party, and I forget what the question was. What was it? Oh, Fred Savage. Fred Savage is probably the most underrated kid actor of all time. Oh, Wonder Years. Wonder Years. But my karaoke song, that's what it was, is probably Bohemian Rhapsody. I'll sing the Wonder Years theme song. I am a big TV theme guy, so I'll do the Cheers theme song.
You know what I'm saying?
Boom, boom, boom. And you're always glad you came into a condom because she wasn't down for inside. Right. You got to be where, and I'm not good with the lyrics. I know the melody. Oh, you got it? I'll do it. Turn it up.
It's Wonder Years. I can't be right. Yeah, no, that's not even close.
I'll also do some Alanis Morissette. Love Alanis. Anything from the 90s. But then every now and then you go back in time. We'll do some Huey Lewis.
Oh, historically hung. It's the news. It just unravels like a newspaper when you take it out.
You sure that's the one? Oh, cool. You want to pull up my fifth grade T-ball video next, man? What the fuck are you doing right now? Nothing to do with what we're talking about. Thanks for coming out. It's another good karaoke time. It is, yeah. There is something to be said about bringing the party together, right? Sure. Do you guys ever do that on stage?
Are you ever on stage and you can feel people going, fuck, they're disconnected? How do you bring them together? Mark?
I can see what you're doing. From the river to the sea? Give me a real answer.
How do you connect the room, Mark?
Yeah, I think it's an imperative skill set to have to bring a room together.
Sometimes everyone can get on board with something that was not planned. You've got to be spicy with it.
That's when they get talkative.
Yeah, stop doing blow and getting fake tits, you Cubans. Miami, though, that is the first place I ever passed out in a live bar. Really? Miami, yeah. Really? Yeah, karaoke joint. I was visiting a friend at the Miami Improv, and we popped over. And it was one of those places where everybody knows somebody in that little Miami Improv strip mall. Doral. Doral. Yeah, Door Allen. It was a shit show.
I think I saw God that night, or at least a lesbian dressed like God. And we ended up in the bathroom eating chips and salsa together. Nice. But, you know, fuck it. I didn't have to be home until a couple days later. I stuck around to go to the beach. Not a big fan of the nude beaches in Miami. Really?
Well, okay. Yeah, well, they said once I got naked that I needed to put everything back on, but there were a couple kids that were running around. They were babies, so I guess I should have taken a hint that they were nude on purpose, but we have a clip of it.
I just wanted to see how quickly you perked up at the idea of a nude baby video, Matt. Wipe that hard drive clean, buddy. Wipe that hard drive clean.
damn what's that huh yeah you guys left me there no no that's fucking were you and the wife nude no i was just walking by it says right out in the open you can walk right by a nude beach and let me tell you something when you see a fat guy on the beach fully nude it's it's inspiring do you know what i'm saying yeah true because something about like not giving a fuck you know comedians people whoever might bash gals for not wearing outfits that fit their bodies i'm all for it you know
Are you really? You got that Robin Williams back and arm hair combination? I got some hair, dude.
What type are you? What type of white guy are you?
Sure. Ashkenaz Jew. Okay, and that's a hairier version? Yeah, Eastern European Jews tend to have some hair.
See, I got no problem with that if you're facing that way, though. Yeah, it's like a boot. Don't turn around. Don't turn around to grab the sun chips.
Yeah, I don't think you can be that big. Well, now in Southwest, you know, they changed their seating arrangement. What'd they do? Well, it's no more free-for-all. It's no more jumping into C Group like one of the rest of the Narnia creatures. C Group, you know, you guys have flown C Group. It's fucking Walmart past fucking midnight. C Group is bottom of the barrel. It's people you forgot we have.
yeah the oh c group what i love in c group is when you're boarding and you're like c75 and there's some dickhead who's like c79 he's like hey uh what are you what are you yeah we're both sitting on the fucking wing paper so butterfly c-section i'll tell you it's real tears to the sky so they're uh they're changing it up yeah they they people are mad about the uh the free-for-all the sesame street boarding process so it sucked
Yeah, you got to make a change. I mean, you know, you should also fucking get some better snacks. Yeah. Make sure the flight attendants stop doing stand-up.
Yeah. Imagine seeing an open mic or say, my special's coming out, taped to the ha-ha. That's what Southwest Airlines, you know, flight attendants are doing. They're real confident.
If you're a large- The claim to shame, yeah, that's fucking disgusting.
Double seat and you get a double quarter pounder.
How about you guys, please tell me you've seen this, Matt. There was a gentleman, I think it went viral today. He was on a flight on Edibles. Have you not seen this? Oh, fuck. This guy has now taken over the champ, in my heart, as the coolest guy on a plane to lose his fucking shit. Really? He went cuckoo for cuckoo. First of all, I want to do an impression of the guy before you play it. Okay.
He gets up here and goes, So first of all, he's already just a little bitch, but he's funny about it because he's unedible. So I'm like, I know what that's like to be a little too stony baloney. You fucking bump into your friend's futon. You're like, God damn it. Now I got to get a knee replacement. He gets up out of the back row. He's fucked up on Eddie's.
You got a fucking Vietnam War vet helping him out or trying to get him a glad trash bag. And this guy gets into the aisle and he's just looking to kind of make one last statement before he fucking hocked who was down the aisle way. And he says a lot of fun shit. I don't know if you've seen it, Sam. I can't wait. He says, go Trump. But you know what? I'll take Biden, too. Very funny. Wow.
And he says, what else did he say? Well, OK, great. Let's go ahead and watch it together as a family. Awesome. Big fan of that. No shirt, by the way. Whoa. How do I do it?
I don't mind. He's undecided. RFK, ride him in. Who gives a fuck? This guy's got a worm brain. I don't mind this guy. He's got the mothership security taking him down the... I don't mind this guy at all.
Yep. What an annoying reason to be delayed. Well, see, this guy – That's exactly what I thought, too, because, you know, cancer, if you've got to lay in the plane for cancer, which I don't know why you would have to, but it's a stroke, something that – but this is equivalent to like a fatty being like, I left my wheat thins on the counter.
Can you imagine? There is something about going viral on a plane in this day and age. I think they also said he was trying to open the back door. Oh. And that's not an anal euphemism. He was trying to open the back door to the plane. I see. To fucking hop, skip, and stop, drop, and roll. There was a woman who went viral for being like, this is going down, and now she's like an influencer.
That motherfucker's not real. That motherfucker back there is not real.
Yeah, her name's like Chrissy or... That motherfucker's back there.
pretty funny she's got a little bad baby in her yeah a little trash see that's what i'm thinking some people are doing this now it's all a real life and then you just like have a meltdown in a flight and you start an only fans and you're like i'm good that's it you're set oh yeah the same even only fans probably i wouldn't doubt it there's there's not i mean i've tried to get robin to get an only fans going i think there's money on the table to be had yeah
Yeah, Robin the Cradle.
How would you guys have to get... Where would you have to be in your careers to dip into the OnlyFans pool? And what would you throw up? It's a two-part question.
You hear that, Columbus Funnybone? Step it up.
Well, not with that attitude, Mark. You've got to believe in yourself. All right, well, call in if you're willing to... Well, I just want to know, what would you put up, though? Or what do you think the fans would want from you? Toes? Taint? Taint and feet. I don't think you see enough taint on the internet. I agree.
And I'm not asking for messages now with taint JPEGs, but I think that that's something... Oh, so Karen's got...
She's probably making tens of 20s of 30s, thousands, huh?
Oh, very nice. There is something to be said about taking a step back, evaluating your life. When did you get a dog, Sam? Oh, it's my girlfriend's dog. You don't like dogs? I love this dog. Yeah. You didn't like the dog prior to this dog? No.
That's smart. So you don't want the dog at first. You were kind of just anti. I mean, want the dog. Dog's 17. The dog's been around. That's a 17-year-old dog. Dog's old as shit. So it was probably in all the Air Bud movies. Even the last one that went straight to DVD, Air Bud 25, The Shelter's Full.
Oh, that's fucking funny, Mark. Good times, good times. Yeah, I'm thinking about, you know, because I'm coming into a little bit more cash money in 2024, so I'm trying to buy some exotic pets. Just fluff things up. I'm thinking bird, but not just parakeet. I'm thinking fucking like pterodactyl. They're around.
My point is don't get a fucking... Don't get a... Well, what kind of bird? Because again, I'm talking like larger than life. I'm talking like a... Pelican? Yeah, something that you wouldn't take to a coffee shop. That you only take to... You know, parties, you know. Right. People go, what can he do? And you go, look, how much money you got and what sort of pole vault penis you're working with.
Or a flamingo. Those seem fun. Exotic birds. Toucans, unless you're leading me to some Froot Loops, I got no time for you.
Yeah, because it's exotic, and I think it's also – I always think WWMD. What would Mike do? Tyson. Oh. Not Pence. I know you were thinking Pence, Sam, but he wouldn't get a bird. He'd ask his wife if he could put his thumb in his butt. I don't know. Improv stuff. What's that? That's a good Pence. Sorry. I didn't know you did a Pence.
So I met RFK at the Kill Tony Forum show. I was doing it with Tim Dillon and Post Malone, right?
Yeah, Merry Fuck Kill. I don't even know where you start on that one. I did some pretty wild jokes. I wish I could pull them up, but one of them I remember was we got Hans Kim and Rick Diaz getting ready to battle on tonight's Forum Kill Tony. I haven't seen this much bad blood in the Forum since Magic Johnson's last game. Woo!
bad i love it fucked it up by saying michael jordan for a second there but aids is really the through line of this show i feel like we keep going back to aids yeah the billboards are everywhere yeah in los angeles everyone's like apparently i mean i probably got it but you just you gotta at this point now yeah you live with it yeah magic made it normal but but uh rfk i met him backstage and uh and i don't want to say he didn't look like he had just hidden a bear but uh
I'll tee it up for you. Please, tee me. So, RFK, right? You know who he is. Yes. You've heard of bears, right? Yes. What's your favorite bear? That's a good team. Yogi?
You got the Smokey? Yeah.
Bear Jew. He was a good bear. Bear Jew. Who's Bear Jew? Eli Roth. There we go. We got the bear from The Revenant with Leo.
That bear got me too. That was crazy. That bear got me too. A lot of rape. By the way, that was the oldest girl Leo's been with, that bear. Now, I love you, Leo. Come on the podcast. But I want to say this about RFK. Bear with me, Leo. The RFK Cubs, so he saw a Cub, Mark, that got hit with a bike. I don't know if it's electric, boogie-woogie, or just a regular peddler.
but the cub was on the side of the fucking road, and RFK's fucking Looney Tunes fucking butthole picked up a bear cub and said, I'm going to skin it for meat. He said this to Roseanne. What? He said, I'm going to skin the fucking bear. I was like, is that Josh Adam Myers or RFK? And so, I'm going to skin the bear for fucking meat.
And so he says that, and I'm like, all right, already creepy, weird thing to say on a first date, or to yourself. Yes. Then he's like, if I can't skin the bear for meat, Then he goes, I got caught up.
Great call. Hey, fucking Chipotle's everywhere, bitch. You got chicken, steak, and guess what? Probably bear cub meat if you ask the sweet Mexican guy behind the counter. You go, hey, can I get some extra corn? And do you have bear cub meat still?
So he goes, I got caught up with my plans. So and then I realized I got to get to the airport. So he goes, but I got the bear cub in my trunk. Oh, and by the way, he said it like, oh, oh, I forgot. I have a bear cub in my trunk, which that leads me to assume how many fucking child animals are you fucking rolling around New York City with? Wow. So then he goes, I don't have time.
To take it with me to the airport. I can't take it in my overhead luggage. The only thing this small I can carry on to a plane is Brad Williams, right? And Brad's not here. He's in Des Moines, Iowa at the Funny Bone. So I've got to take this bear to the park, and I'm going to leave it near a fucking bicycle and stage. This motherfucker staged his own fucking hit and run with a bike and a bear.
Yeah, yeah. Ted 3. I mean, I would watch a documentary about the... I mean, someone's got to dress up like the bear and do like... I mean, the bear's got to... It'd be great if the bear wasn't dead. That'd be a great plot twist.
Tough show to watch. Yeah. Not a comedy either. I know! What's so funny? They ran out of soy sauce?
It's fucking mental. He's like holding a snake by the head. I mean, I got a real problem with animal cruelty, but also with people. And look, talking about skinning a bear cub for meat, that just makes me think that you're like one weird choice away from... Killing your wife? Yep. I agree.
Look at this. And he's ripped. Oh, boy. Yeah, that's the other thing, too. Jacked guys over 70 always throw me off. Yeah.
It's like seeing your teacher at the mall.
Oh, so he's just catching snakes and batting... What the hell? Did he add music to this? Is this system of a down?
He's like fucking with it. Yeah, I always wonder when people post shit like this, because you're right, Sam. It's like, why do you... Here it is, look.
Okay, yeah, that's pretty crazy. I don't need you to do this, you know?
That's actually a great call, Matt. If he bit the head off, I'd go, you got my vote. Not only for this, but for American Idol. Is that a rattlesnake? Cheryl, God bless you. What are you being in this video for? It's amazing. This makes Larry look reasonable. They should have slowly zoomed in on RFK and gone... You know? He's like, this dude seems exhausted.
And Cheryl's like, I don't know if this is a good idea.
It sounded better in my head. But there's something about this picture that I think lends itself to people who want to go to the zoo and go, well, maybe we're going to have to put up a higher shield. You ever see that video? It's titled – don't look it up. I don't think this is the title because it's something about – I saw it in the 90s. It was before YouTube.
It said, kid annoys gorilla into cum shot. And it starts off, and the kid is just kind of tapping on the glass. And I'm like, he's not annoyed. He's bored. He's like, it's my birthday. Do something. And then he turns into annoyed. Like, ever see one of those Karens that taps on a young black teenager's car in a Target parking lot during COVID? Are you supposed to be in this neighborhood?
Starts tapping like that. And then the gorilla wakes up from a nap. Plop!
and just starts fucking shooting one off wow and when i tell you all the jizz mark i'm telling you all the jizz i don't know humans or creatures were supposed to hold as much cum inside them as there was in this gorilla he shot all the gorilla glue right at this fucking wall thank god for the shield which you know with chicklets but also the shield that was up because you know there's a one-eyed kid walking around it was my it was my birthday and i didn't have a shield up
And then all of a sudden, boom, you know, he takes one for the team, and now he's got a story and some sympathy pussy coming his way. Hakambe. Hakambe. But now the shield goes up, and the most impressive part, boom, jizz, kid doesn't flinch. What? You see a mouth like, is that all you got? A great fucking call. Sam, you fucking great and won.
Yeah, or a president, you know?
Or RFK's a crocodile, you know, fuck me.
Yeah, this is my cub. I don't know if this is it. Yeah, so what do we think about, and also baby animals. Can I say karma's a real thing? I think that the main, don't be surprised. Where's my RFK bear attack cam? Where is it? Right there. Right here. Don't be surprised, Robert, when a real-life bear shows up in your backyard because they know. They know that you fucking took the baby. Yeah.
And I don't wish anything bad on anybody except for I went to high school with a kid named Micah DiNunzio. And freshman year of high school, I was walking by him and his girlfriend against the lockers. And they were making out. There might have been some finger action going on. Sure. It was the 80s, right? Or the 70s. I forgot how old I am. But this kid was all up inside her, Keith Sweat style.
uh-huh and i said get a room and he fucking he he tried to fight me six or seven times wow so uh i don't want to say i hate him but i but i just you know if a if a you know let's say if a fucking hippo showed up at his house and tried to you know fucking cut his dick i wouldn't be upset i'd laugh and then i go i hope he's okay there's too many gorilla jerk videos though on youtube yeah of course matt knows that that's not new information to matt a whole new weekend plan
See, the kid has no clue.
Look at this thing now.
Shit himself? Oh. Oh. Right in front of the kiddo. Can I be honest? I threw up a little in my mouth. I'm not going to joke. Too low for the show. Oh, my God. We might be drunk. We definitely might be sick in a second. You think he feels shame afterwards? Don't try to change the subject from what we just watched, Sam. Jesus fucking Christ. You think the monkey feels shame? Not at all.
I don't think he realizes what he did.
He's eating it. Yeah, shame. Maybe while he's eating it, he's like, I'm a piece of shit. Oh, yeah.
that's funny to think about if they have uh deep feelings like that but wow i don't think animals can truly uh feel like weak i mean dogs right like that dog knows what you said about it earlier but nice though i mean you could have gotten an only fan it's rough is that a dog pun too many jokes flying around here i can't let that one just slide by man monkey monkey jerk who knew
Well, if you guys are around in November, I'd love you to come by the Beacon. Come fart around the Phil show.
My friend Adam Ray is doing the Gramercy on August 11th. Oh, I see. When does this come out?
Oh, great. Well, that's fucking way past the due date, huh? Thanks for the shout out. Yeah, August 11th. I think he had a great time. I heard him kill her. Went okay. Hey, if that invite stands, we'll be there. For Beacon Theater, it does.
bus stand november 15th okay we usually like to surprise the guests but let's just say maybe or maybe not stacking up pretty nice throwing some hail marys you got to do that you guys probably know as part of the booking process now you got to go for it right booking.com booking dot you know all right go for it to where to your show bring a bear I mean, now that's actually funny.
That's actually something I should try to pull off. Bring them out and then bring somebody dressed as a bear. A whole family of bear cubs? That's good. That's funny. All right.
Because the field show is starting to turn a little variety. I mean, it's all rooted in comic fun and games with the interviews. We got one in September at the Comedy Store with Gabriel Iglesias, Patton Oswalt, and Jay Pharoah. And then good old Rob Lowe is going to come by in October. Wow. Trying to stack that up with another hot hung from the 90s. Yeah, yeah. I don't know who we go with.
Kirk Cameron, dude. Kirk Cameron. Oh, my God. You know what, though? I would love – we like to keep the show lights in, but part of me would like to – Kirk Cameron and Mateo Lane.
We'll keep her right here. That's a great idea. Yeah. That's a great idea. That is good. Yeah, there's certain combos of people that you dream about. Matt, who would be someone? Obviously, I'd love to get Tom Hanks or Martha Stewart would be fun. Somebody that's game. You guys are great because you're down to play. You don't want somebody that comes on and lays a fucking dud. Maybe Trump.
Mario Lopez could be fun if we can talk about his infidelities, right? Yikes. I'd be like, yo, did he fuck around a lot? I don't know if a lot is the word I'd say, but let's just say it didn't stop with Kelly Kapowski.
Tiffany Amber Thiessen, which Adam Ray and Brad Williams actually had her on their podcast. They went to her house. She had an avocado tree.
She looked fucking good, I'll tell you that much. Mario, here he is on LinkedIn. He looks pretty good still.
And he's in my fucking hotel every day. Do you know he wakes me up? Not physically, I wish. Fucking careful what you wish for, I wish. But he comes on, it'll be like three in the morning. My TV will just pop on Saw style, Sam. And he'll just go like, a mysterious young girl. Angelina Jolie stars in this psychological thriller. Wow. Let me sleep, bitch. Now I got to jack off.
That was a great Slater.
Let's go through the Lopez casualty. Here we go.
So they did date. I thought it was just on the show. Wow. Well, Fergie's impressive. Am I seeing Jamie Presley up there, too? I love Jamie Presley. She's smoking. She's gorgeous. She's sweet. Morgan Freeman, he had a menage a trois with Morgan Freeman. And Tim Robbins. It's one of the few impressions I do. I'll give it to you.
I wish I could tell you Mario Lopez's cock didn't taste delicious, but it did. It did, and I used my Visa rewards card to buy the butt plugs. All right, that's it.
Okay, so I'll play the scene out. So it's Robert Downey Jr. calling Mario Lopez to see if he'll come over and have a little fuck around, yeah? Do the black Robert Downey. Oh, we'll be right black. No, we'll keep it right here. All right, here it is. So... Hello, Mario Lopez. Hey, Mario. So this is Robert Downey Jr.
So, of course, you recognize me from Heart and Souls, Tropic Thunder, of course, Iron Man, Iron Man 2. I'm looking to take my Iron Man and bring him over to your house and put him inside your Saved by the Bell butt cheeks. I'm sorry. I should have rehearsed this, but I would like to rehearse a menage a trois or menage a trois with you and your girl or your family.
I don't know if you have a giraffe. I just watched this documentary with RFK where he put a giraffe in the woods and then tried to get it to second check. Okay. I didn't know you did a downy. Everyone's got a little downs inside of them. The only downy I used to do was the downy, the fluffy, the laundry bear. And then people said it wasn't topical, so I had to do an actor.
But Lopez seems like, if Britney Spears is on that list, get the fuck out of here.
Yeah. Well, I think that's his family. That's fine. We'll keep this in. He didn't fuck a pumpkin. Not with that attitude. But a pumpkin, you know, look, Biggs fucked a pie. And Lopez fucked a pumpkin. And J.D. Vance fucked a couch. And Charlie Brown fucked his mom. We'll be right back. We'll keep her out of here. I thought pumpkin and I immediately went to Charlie Brown. I got ADD.
Getting railed in the mouth. That might be my favorite. That's tonight's Doritos joke of the night. Brought to you by Cool Ranch Doritos. Give me a good Dorito graphic on that. Yeah, you got to throw it up. I'm surprised you guys don't have a chip sponsor yet. You guys seem like solid chip guys. I mean, I have a Dorito. The movie and the snack. I love Dorito. Cool Ranch.
Cool Ranch all day long, right? Okay, how about this? Favorite, if you get off stage, right, early show Thursday, should not stuff in your face like fucking Miss Piggy at like 1030. You know, it's late show. The club goes, or the theater, sorry. A couple of specials over here. And they give you a big bag of whatever you want, Sam. What are you asking for?
Don't tell me how to live my life, Sam, but I'll probably try it out.
okay that looks fun yeah so you got every flavor and wow that's a condiment it's too much no but it's perfect all right i'll try all right i'll try it it'd be great if you had a bag because your pitch is pretty you're coming in hot yeah you're coming in you're coming in uh what are you going i'm probably going you know i'm a basic bitch with the sun chips oh you homo yeah i know i know but i own it i own it i listen to clake and while i eat them
Shout out. Drink five if you're playing the Clay Incan drinking game. Clay Incan, former sponsor of Sun Chips.
No, but you guys are gullible as fuck.
Yeah, that seems, wow. What the hell? This is the same size Sam buys his crackling old one. I knew we'd get back there. I thought I was going to let you off with one crackling fucking bit. All right, so we've got, let's see, sun chips. Black beans?
They're reaching. That's like Pop-Tart being like, we've got pillowcase.
Black bean. Black bean. That's rare and inappropriate. I'm more of a pinto bean potato chip guy. I take pinto over black. Like a kidney. Now, what about, Mark, you said Doritos. I also, we're forgetting the chip. We're forgetting the fun guy. Zaps. You're a fucking Nola boy. I love a zap. Is your zap like a Funyun?
organization and you get there and it's late in the bbq twister upstairs is already complete sure there's a sex chair somewhere you got to find it and all of a sudden you know that an irish goodbye is in your future i love an irish goodbye though oh i can't get enough of an irish goodbye it's the best uh how do you do it which way do you say who especially when your friends are pieces of shit oh sure yeah
That might be the best, because no one's going to stop it, especially if you're distraught. Ready? Try to stop this guy. First of all, tell me that you're out of sun chips, Sam. Oh, fuck, we're out of black bean sun chips.
I had a witch pussy. Wait, hold on a second. Sorry, sorry. Witch pussy. Where do I go? Well, tell me the address, Corinne. Sorry, sorry, Phil. Well, yeah, I can drive, but I've been drinking a little.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mark, please.
Yeah, it's my friend Mark. Yeah, yeah, the gay guy. Well, it doesn't matter right now. I just wanted to. Well, don't yell at me. I'm not the one who did it.
I don't want your life. You're the man now, dog. Well, then fine. Go marry Kirk Cameron.
We'll be right back. We'll keep right here.
We got the beacon. We got the forum soon. Well, who knows? We'll keep on jamming. We are announcing, we have announced as of today, we got October 25th, the Miller and Philly, about 85 sold out. That's an awesome one. I can't wait for that. Then we've got Tysons, Virginia, Capital One Hall in D.C. That's about sold out. Beacon, November 15th in New York. That's about 50% sold out.
Then we've got Celebrity Theater just came out a few weeks ago, December 6th in AZ, and then the Civic Center in San Diego, December 7th.
and then in 2025 we'll be adding uh majestic in dallas and uh msg in boston you love that one yeah and then uh we'll be adding uh chicago theater in chicago and uh the hits will keep on coming and hopefully you'll see these uh pieces of shit rocking and rolling and of course go check out my favorite jew adam ray commie.com i think he's got dates in pittsburgh and a new special on youtube special like and subscribe on youtube his podcast about last night he's got uh
uh some uh some some other fun stuff coming up and then um of course instagram tiktok adam ray comedy and and uh and appreciate you guys appreciate the love yeah adam ray let me take a shot hell yeah what a way to close this night out make sure rfk is watching oh that's a sealed one is there an open one somewhere no maybe not maybe i gotta uh open this puppy well also check out uh uh
A little backwash. The black bean chip.
I'm going to take this and pull it straight from the bottle. I'm going to make a little cheers. Drinking might not solve all our problems, but it's worth a shot. We'll be right back.
Too late, actually. Yeah, sorry, ma'am. I love you guys.
Yeah, we're still going. Follow us on Punch-Up. Are you on Punch-Up? Oh, yeah. Danny came to my shows at the Punch-Line. Adam's shows. That's a good fucking bourbon.
Go there. Give us your emails. That's all it takes. Chris Brown's on Punch-Up. You guys are too quick for your own good, but that's why I like being here. I think we had a good roll. This was nice. We should run this back. what was I going to say? New Dr. Phil Live is also, they're all on the YouTube channel, Adam Ray. Check them all.
There's a new one from Seattle with Joel McHale and Sean Kemp dropping. Whoa, Sean Kemp's your guy. So Sean Kemp's me and Adam's guy, and Adam told me a quick story I want to tell you. So Sean Kemp has a weed store in Seattle. You ever go, I'll hook you up, go down and burn one down with him. That's him. And Kemp came out to do the show.
We also had the voice of the Mariners, Adam Ray's brother-in-law, Derte, white rapper Derte, close to show out. Had the Seattle Fish Market fish guys throw fish into the crowd. I love the Pike's Place, baby. Brought them down, hit them up, said, how much it cost you to come down and throw fish?
fish fish a fresh fish and uh had a stroke and so they uh they said well we'll we'll try they said we'll charge you this much but uh how about this much because we like the show came down did a seattle trivia with joel mckale this show will be out i think uh august what's uh uh what's all what's a week from this thursday matt what is that Okay, thanks a lot, Matt.
I think there's something about the 15th. August 15th, Dr. Phil Lapp from Seattle will be out. And when Joel McHale Camp comes over, we do Name That Dunk with him where we put up pictures of dunks. We show him all his pictures. He stood up like a kid in a candy store and was reliving it. It was fucking beautiful.
And at one point, we showed him with him sitting on Rodman's shoulders in the 96 finals. I go, what's that called? He goes, Deez Nuts. Dropped the mic. Place went fucking nuts. Wow. But Seattle Trivia with Joel, we asked a question. It was always fake submitted questions by kids like, who would win in a fight? Chris Pratt, my dad, Jay Buhner. And then Joel would go, obviously, Jay Buhner.
And then we'd go, who wants a fish? Lights on. Turn on some 80s music. These guys toss these 15-fucking-pound salmons into the crowd. I've never seen so much. You wouldn't think a t-shirt cannon guy says his own name when he comes. These fish guys were throwing these motherfuckers, and it was pandemonium. Price is Right means Oprah audience. I'm fucking telling you.
You get a fish. You get a fish. And then the next day, Adam went down with Campy. He goes, come down and smoke with me at the shop. Oh! They walked around downtown Seattle, Sam, smoked J's, talked Seattle. He told them Nirvana stories, told them NBA stories. They went to lunch. And now they're going to do a fucking, because the songs are coming back very soon.
They're going to announce it very soon. Are they really? The restaurant? The Seattle Super Song. Oh. So it's going to be Vegas. Vegas and Seattle. But that also, hey, let's not sleep on that. Love it. You ever see the video of the kids spilling all the shit on roller skates at Sonic?
Pull it up, Matt. It's a good thing to close on. It's going to be Vegas and Seattle. Seattle. I hope so. It is. And Kemp goes, we're going to do a live podcast with Adam, GP, and Rain Man during the preseason game at Kemp's Weed Store. Maybe just come out and smoke and hang. Hell yeah. Kemp, man, some banana stories. He was telling Adam these stories about Nirvana, right? I go, who was like the...
I said, Adam, ask this question. I go, ask who was like the cool Jack Nicholson people at Seattle. And he said Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Griffey, all those guys from the 90s. Nirvana would hit them up last minute, him and GP, and go, come down to this place. We're playing a secret show. They'd come down, last minute, sold. He goes, they were just potheads playing music, man.
He goes, I didn't see the heroine until late in the game. And Rain Man was like, then all of a sudden, like, you know, towards the end, he'd come through and they'd be like going to a club. And Kurt would be sitting there on the couch just fucking laid out. And then they'd come back 12 hours later, same spot, didn't move. Wow. Almost like in a sugar coma, but, you know, the other stuff.
But Cam told some great NBA stories. Charismatic. If he's ever rolling through here, I'll fucking put him in touch. He'd rip it up with you guys.
Yeah, the Rain Man. Seattle deserves a basketball team. They do.
Yeah, nobody reps Seattle harder than this fucking single mom Jew, but...
and music i love that adam gets to kick it with pretty cool as a 90s nicks guy i know i get what it means oh he told me anthony mason stories he told me about yeah he was a it's special it's also you know you want to be one of those guys that says oh thing you know i know it's all generational you know everyone has the snl cast they've you know grew up with but 90s hoops i mean it's just a different game now oh yeah 90s everything 90s music basketball baseball movies but but
But Hoops truly, like, show me anyone close to Charles Oakley right now. I'll wait.
You want, yeah, that's the getting, that they hear that you appreciate what they do. You know, my boy Adam was just telling me, he was walking around New York and had a couple people stop him and say they loved his Joe Biden. And it's the same thing where you have to go like, and I told him, I go, you just got to act appreciative of it because it means more to them.
You know, you don't, we all get caught up in this business. Yeah. You go, I don't fucking, you know, I'm just doing what I do. But people, Oakley, he was a stud for you, right? Who's your stud, Mark? Who's the guy that...
But we went to Knicks games and you were into it.
Well, live is where it's at. Yeah, Raccoon. That's why I always said I won't see Barenaked Ladies on YouTube.
Wow. It's an aphrodisiac.
I believed you. Is that a real band name? No, no. Wait, this is a fun game. Fake band names. Ready? Rape Fart. Okay, we should probably end the show. How about Queef Baby? How about Super Dad? There you go. That's not bad. That's clean. That's PC. How about Kirk Cameron's Apology? It's a great band name.
Okay, closer. They have to.
No, that's a good shot.
We pulled that up real quick. You look like you're looking back at the subway. Well, I see the mic now. This is you in about 30 years. You still look this frail, and you're looking back, and you're holding the mic when you take the subway. And everyone's like, boy, this guy just can't let people not know that he's a comedian.
You have to do it, though. Because guess what? Oh, I'm sorry. Everyone in the world fucking knows who you are. You got to have this up so when people do stumble upon it, they go, what's this guy up to? He's got a mic? Right. Is that RFK's bear hurdler? Or huddler? However you say it.
You fantastic, by the way. Thank you. Watched it. Great job. Thank you, dude. Duh, though. Duh, no shit. Yeah, we're all over, Mark. Where are you going to be, man?
Monterey, that'll be fun.
I've got to get up to Canada. I keep getting hit up for Canadian.
You guys strike me as a couple of fellas that can just rip it up anywhere. Speaking of ripping it up, change your pants, table for one. Where can you not have fun? Oh, no. Where can you not have fun for a fucking night? I knew that was it. By the way, it took every ounce of my body not to fucking open my mouth and lean down there just to taste some crackling oat bran. You hear me, Sam?
Your cereal tastes like fucking farts. You fucking weirdo.
Adam Ray will be at Hilarity's in October. That's a great club. You get the bet. One of my favorites. He did it for the first time last year. Got that bat from Nick. Top-notch club. Nick, Sam, we love you. Nick, we love you guys. Yeah. Yeah. One of the best. And I love you guys, and I appreciate the love today. Praise Allah. Praise Allah. Praise Oprah. Get the book, folks. Get the book.
We've got issues. It's out there. It's the one thing I can do. Oh, and I think that's it. Good night, everybody. I'll see y'all in hell.
Right. Well, you say you want to live dangerously until a buff guy shows up while you're getting blown. That's true.
Oh, very nice. And the one eye. I'm still a little perturbed by the bottom half. This guy's using disappearing glink. I'm sorry. I was setting that up for half an hour. I came bearing gifts too. Oh, shit. Whoa. Man, that was like the Geena Davis in League of the Reignal. Well, yes, chief. Chef. Oh, yes, chef.
Well, Adam Carolla, back in the old days, had a great bit about how Jews aren't traditionally risky people. There's no Jewish Evel Knievel. There's no Jewish stuntmen. But with food, you guys are fucking daredevils. It's gefilte fish, this shit, kugel. I'm running out of Jewish dishes.
How about you buy a car? Why do you have to jump over them? That's a sketch.
Yeah, what are you running from? How about those guys just run off a mountain, and then you're like, what the fuck? And then some crazy squirrel wing comes out, and you're like, Jesus, what are you doing to me? I thought this guy was committing suicide, and now he's just careening through these canyons. Like, how about a beer? Can we get a beer? Do we need to careen? Careen Abdul-Jabbar.
He fucking jumps off. You're like, what the fuck?
Exactly. Would be a great way to break up with a chick. You know what? You're fat. You're ugly. We're done. Don't call me.
Like, fuck the shoot. Shit. It won't open. Now that's a divorce.
Yeah, it's scary. I'm pod love-a-wasteless, dude. I do, too. I'm a 90s kid, so I was all in there. You saw the Tom Brady, I know it's old news now, but Tom Brady put everything in his mom's name. So Giselle was like, here we go. I'm gonna clean up. Does that work? I think it worked.
Well, you know who the richest woman in America is? Jeff Bezos' ex-wife. How fucked up is that? That's women's Amazon.
Oh, God. You got to get a prenup there, baby.
Oh, mama! Don't say it. He's very powerful. That's true. What? Well, I wasn't ready for that mug. Good golly. Jeez, I'm at the snake exhibit in the wrong suit. Don't say it. All right, all right. Cut that if we have to.
And Heath Ledger's face. All right, all right. Got it. Keep it moving. I didn't say what movie I'm talking about.
Why? I mean, this guy's the richest guy on the planet.
Good point. The dual birthday episode. Dual birthday and 9-11 and Christmas and Hanukkah.
Of course. Of course. I'd fuck Jeff for a taste of that. For a share. Yeah. Just for Amazon Prime. I'd fuck him.
You'd think he'd go younger. You've got to hand it to him.
Well, I hope he's in love, and I hope they're happy, and I hope she doesn't take all his money when they break up.
Yeah, and he could have gone a lot younger, so you got to kind of hand it to him for that.
Yeah, and isn't it ironic that the guy who owns Amazon can't return this? They got the best return policy in the business. Not wives. Can't get a full refund on that? That one, Jeffrey.
Would you? Yeah. Hold on. I don't know, dude. Let's not get carried away. I mean, give me a couple of tartars and a, oh, yeah, you wouldn't fuck her?
That's true. I don't like the fertile.
Go back to that face. She's not coming to the show, I'll tell you that. Yeah, I would totally bang her. I mean, I'd be hard pressed for you to find a celebrity I wouldn't fuck. Kathy Bates. Wow, really? Would you? No.
Whoa, look at those yams. Yay! I thought that was Peter's. Good Lord. What? Oh, we got a lady coming in. I like how we're acting like we're not broadcasting this to hundreds of thousands of people. Let's all behave.
Open it up. Crumble. What the fuck? Yeah, the most coveted cookie in New York City, baby. A cookie for the cookie.
Oh, Kathy, say it ain't so. I don't know what I expected, her to come out like Liz Hurley.
Oh, I like Clooney's wife. Really?
The total package. I love that she's successful, accomplished. She's gorgeous. I like that look, that brunette with the ethnicity.
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Love it. Great food, great smoothies.
That's a beautiful bottle. We had a couple of bars say, hey, we like it, but the bottle doesn't really pop, and we popped. This pops. It's clean.
Hey, how you doing? Mark. Hello, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Good to see you.
This is exciting. Thanks for coming in.
For me, that's my number one. Amal Clooney.
Yeah, I'm all in on all that. She could pay the bills, bring home the bacon, and I could fry it up. All right. But no, I think she's a very attractive lady, too.
How did you know that was her? Just by the tits? Well done, sir. Look at those yams. My God.
All right. We're trying to have a good time here. What are you doing to me? All right.
We're just joking. We're picking it up.
I didn't know that. Wow, I didn't know they did that.
Yeah, and you throw in MIT, Harvard, all that, and you got a nice mix of locals.
I'm getting into it. I like certain sports that sports guys aren't into. I like UFC. I like skateboarding. I like tennis. So, not the fun ones.
But I think you've got a Portnoy as adding humor. He's a Boston guy who's obsessed with sports.
I got you. I got you. I've watched the back and forth. You guys get pretty passionate.
Are we going to break into this crumble or what?
That's a rough sales pitch. Yeah, exactly. She was hot five years ago. You don't want to hear that. It's great now.
All right, that's the last objectification joke.
That was the audience. The wife is involved as well, who's very lovely.
I know you don't. She seems lovely. How about that? Nice shoot.
Yeah. Don't talk. No, that was it. All right. That was the last one. We're joking. What? Florida. That's great. You like Florida?
Yeah. But you got the beach, the sun. There is that.
No, that works. Sold. Sold on the boulevardier.
Kind of got the same vibe. But, I mean, you don't have to go to that area. You don't go to the French Quarter. We lived a little further away.
Yeah. It's a fun place to visit. Not a great place to grow up, I would say. But, hey, maybe Florida isn't either.
Peanut butter? Sorry, everybody.
You put peanut butter on a guy's ass, I'll eat it.
That's interesting. Also, I know a Cuban guy from Cuba. He's obsessed with communism, obsessed with it. He's like, it's coming here. It's going to ruin everything. I know what it's like. And I'm like, all right, all right. Are you getting any of that?
That's funny to me. I don't know. That is funny. And you like tequila. Got the worm right in there.
in these circles that uh it's really been cool to watch the evolution of the space thanks because i think the circles that the tv can't like like a theo vaughn i don't know if you're familiar with him he just had trump on love him or hate him you know whatever your politics are fallon's not gonna have trump on right now so he's gonna have him on he'll get some backlash but people are still gonna watch so he can not he doesn't have to answer and he had bernie on the same week and he had
Bernie on, which no TV show would ever have those two on in the same week. Like Colbert? No way.
And we're happy to have the worm here.
That's incredible. What a sperm on that guy. He's the sperm. Rodman's the worm. Wow.
He's a hunk. Yeah. I mean, who didn't he fuck? Carmen Electra, Madonna, Sam.
He was kind of the early Charlie Sheen. The way Charlie Sheen had that month of like tiger blood and porn stars and cocaine and AIDS. You know, like.
Right. I love it. What's that?
When she kicked you with a high heel, did you cum?
I'm having the peanut butter and it's fantastic.
Peanut butter with like a vanilla drizzle. What about this shit there? That's crazy. That looks like a chunk chocolate chip with macadamia.
Totally. That's why... No offense, guys, but that's why I never gravitated towards sports because I didn't get any personality out of a Jeter. I like a funny guy or a cool guy or something. I didn't get much. That's why I like one-on-one sports. Like Conor McGregor, love him or hate him, he's a fucking character. Something like Rodman, who I did enjoy, but I needed that personality.
You know, A-Rod. I don't know shit about A-Rod.
Sorry, this is the gayest photo I've ever seen. Can you name all these shirtless hunks, Dan?
Who's this? It's like the lady who comes with the wallet. Yeah, that's the photo. Yeah, what's the card say? Wow, that's a beautiful rendering of the Winster.
Oh, yeah. The peanut butter is the tits. I got a few Negronis last night on my set. Really? Negroners? Buffs to that? No, I'm just kidding. But working on some new. Oh, so I did Red Bank, New Jersey.
That's crazy. That's quite a statement.
Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Well, just with comedy, there's a hole we've got to fill. It's the same with the sports, I think. To get good, you've got to really go for it.
Pretty great. Pretty great. It feels nice. Yeah, it's nice. And it's a thought you had. It's not even like you didn't have to put anything together. It's just like, hey, my thoughts are getting laughs. Yeah. Feels great.
Hidden gem. I don't know how I didn't know about this room. Great town, great theater, great crowd. Did a little meet and greet after. Oh, it was right there, I guess. A guy goes, hey, I just saw Sam at the Stress Factory, and I hightailed it over to you tonight.
Director, director. Director, forget about it.
But we have to write it, perform it, and go on the road ourselves and work on a sitcom and we'll do a podcast and drink.
And thank God they are, because then we look brave. But we're not that brave, because it's like I could never skydive. I'm terrified of it. But some guys are like, I can't wait to skydive. I'm looking forward to it. I think it's just a personality type.
You've got to be your own boss and all that.
You could spin the self-loathing into working. You go, ah, I fucked up. I'll never do that again. Let me hit the books.
Well, as long as it's not a hindrance.
Yeah, completely. It's very jazzy. Except it's written. You know, most jazz is improvised. But, yeah, yeah. It's a lot like sports. Bring it back to me.
Yeah, see, that would kill me as a broadcaster. I'd be like, come on, motherfucker. This is a boring ep. Let's go. But it's weird because you've got this guy on who's very popular, so it's kind of a catch-22. You're like, we've got this great big guy. Everybody loves him, but... We're on microphones here.
They're entertaining on the gridiron.
Yeah, and I think, and look, I'm in the minority here, but remember that guy with the gun, Ja Morant?
I'm okay with that. Let the guy play basketball or whatever. Is it basketball?
Yeah, let him play basketball. That's off the court. I feel like, you know, the guy should be able to do whatever he wants as long as it's not illegal. Was the gun illegal?
Oh, yeah. All right. Well, I'm like, hey, you know, like if you get caught with a DUI, I'm not going to stop buying your specials. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't like that whole. You've been buying my specials? Yeah, trying to be nice as a friend.
But I'm just saying, like, that shouldn't affect your ticket sales.
And we don't have a representative.
All right, that's a good point.
I like when they don't. My whole surprise. I'm sorry. No. If one churns up, I'll let you have it.
Funny as Twitter follow, by the way.
Unbelievable. Cracker of the day. I'm hoping one day I'll get that. Yeah.
I'll take N-Word of the Day, whatever it is.
That'd be more of a flattering thing. That's true. Yeah, good point. You don't want an F of the Day. He does that one, too.
Right. It's kind of like an attractive girl and then a smoke show.
There he is. There's the old chili.
I get it. I get it. We have stuff like that. But what about this? What about a guy who's dying to talk? He's like, oh, I can't wait to do the radio. I'm an egomaniac. I want to hear myself talk.
A smoke show is great. An attractive girl is great. But when an attractive girl is next to a smoke show, she looks like Salicus.
Well, he kind of started doing an impression of himself at the end, and it just got weird.
Is that based on the Los Angeles shootout or not?
That'd be cool. I'm surprised they didn't go all female cast. Hot flashes.
Yeah, Lady Heat. Well, they're doing a female fight club. Do you hear about this? Wow, really? Yeah, all female. So that'll be interesting. I guess it's like a bunch of roommates who are synced up. All right, okay. That's it.
Right, right. Yeah. I never got when girls back in my Tinder days, there would be a girl Tindering and they got the photos and she would be with all her hot friends. And I'm like, every one of your friends is hotter than you. What are you doing to me? Why would you advertise this?
Is a female all-fight club reboot from Greta Gerwig?
So if the shooter saw the movie... Oh, I had it backwards.
Same thing happened to my wife with Two Girls, One Cup.
Oh, okay. Where is Columbine? Colorado. Colorado. That's two biggie, three big shootings out of Colorado. There was a grocery store one. Oh, yeah. And then that. Wow. Colorado. Bunch of potheads, I thought.
Happened to me yesterday. So my wife's pregnant, so she's having all these crazy cravings. So yesterday she's like, I'm dying for pho. Let's get pho. I was like, great. I know the spot. Got us a reservation. We walked down there. This place is jam-packed, but it's a Vietnamese place run by Vietnamese people. So they are just, it's like a fucking Santa's workshop in there.
They're just pumping them in, pumping them out. There's no hello. There's no thank yous. It's just business. So we go, two, please. They go, uh, the bar, the bar. You're like, all right, we sit at the bar. And then the lady's going back and forth, so we're trying to order, and God forbid you have a question. And I go, uh, we finally got, okay, two classic foes. Don't hurt us.
They put the foe down. And there's no sauces. You got to have the sriracha and the brown shit.
It's all confidence. He's mostly looks.
but all right so they put down there's no sauces so uh and my lady wanted a coke zero so i go uh can we get some sauces and a coke zero she goes coke zero and i go yeah and the sauces she goes i heard you and i was like but you didn't acknowledge the sauces so i just was repeating it so you'd have to make two trips it's a peeve that's a peeve the uh i heard you well i'm like i didn't how do i know you you got to give me an acknowledgement that was it
It was tense in there, too, just with the action and the steam.
I got a stern, I heard. The better or worse.
Exactly. So yeah, strange move. Maybe she's like, I'll blend in with them. Maybe I'll rub off some hotness. I don't know.
Here we go. We get it. She's in the room.
If it's like, she smells too good. Come on, give me a real one.
As long as she's understanding that you're already back.
Oh, so that's on you. She's saying don't check your phone.
I heard you. Oh, man, that's a good one.
Yeah, I'm with you on the preamble. There's no need for it. And whatever's coming next better be fucking good.
Say it. I've noticed a lot of younger people do this where they go...
actually you know you go uh you know it rained like three inches yesterday actually nah just making up rain thing yeah yeah and also what happened to really we've bypassed really we're going straight to actually yo this is crazy but just fucking just say the thing yeah also i notice people say they don't say i think they say i feel like You know, if I go, I think that movie is a little overrated.
They go, I feel like it's pretty good. No, you think it's pretty good. What's the feeling?
Okay, you're going the Wounded Gazelle route.
Yeah. Actually... Actually...
You guys are really making a meal out of it.
True, the History Channel. That's a great bit.
But you got to. Yeah, he's the most famous bad guy. So you got to kind of, it's an easy go. Funny to call him famous. That Hitler was a star, I tell you. He is. I mean, he's the most mainstream, notorious bad guy of all time. Stalin killed more people. We go to Hitler. He was somehow picked that he's the guy.
Oh, that's all we notice as men.
Great public speaker. He had it. He's got a good quality.
I'm going to be a star. Mussolini didn't have it. A little boring. Pol Pot.
Get out of here. The name is super fun. Pol Pot. Pol Pot, exactly.
He had Bruno, but that might have been before. That was after Borat, I think. Yeah, Borat, Bruno, Dictator, I guess. That's three. But he got a three-picture deal after Borat.
Well, you look back at that movie, that does not hold up to the scruples of today. Yeah.
Whoa, that's crazy. See, we got nowhere to answer to. Even Borat, the most rebellious character of all time, has got a thumb on him.
They made Borat 2. Did they? Electric Boogaloo. Yeah, it was not as good.
He did, yeah. I think he's a genius. Yeah. I think he went to Oxford.
Yeah, that was crazy. Oh, man. Best troll ever.
Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. He's what you do when you make fun of stand-up. That's kind of flattering.
You didn't think he was likable?
Yeah, good point, good point. Well, they put Jason Alexander in it to somehow soften the blow of Shallow Hal, and it helped a little, because Alexander was a real sleazeball in that, and he had a tail for some reason. Remember he had the members-only jacket, the toupee? It is weird that, like,
Yeah, and he just loves it. He just loves stand-up. He loves the writing. He loves the whole routine of it. But to your point, Larry David finished Curb, 12 year, 12 season, whatever it is. He goes, I'm going back to stand-up. He did, I think, two shows, and now he's done. So it's a lot of grinding, you know? And this guy's a zillionaire, 75-year-old dude. He's like, I'm not doing that.
That's true. But Tell and Quinn, they'll be in first class.
They'll be commercial air and they'll be doing clubs and back rooms. A lot of pride.
And a little bit of a fuck you, I think, to Netflix. You know, like, you want this much requirement out of me? This is what you're getting.
It's awesome. It's a little on the nose.
He's going to paint your house.
personal to scorsese and that he like really felt it and he wanted to be a part of that ending but i was like it just it just didn't hit me are you familiar with uh gary veder yeah his uh his friend and his opener okay i just didn't know if you knew that story it's just such a great sports story
Is your audience? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But it fills right up your anal. Oh, you'd like it. It's fucking good, man.
No, no, it's just about his dad was a con man and got him free tickets and they went backstage and he said his son was a Sports Illustrated kids writer and he met Jordan, Tiger Woods. Ew, Elway, yeah, look at this shit. Yeah, Wayne Gretzky.
You're telling me that guy's a Trump fan? But also, I hate to break it to you, Leb, but the young black men seem to be going towards Trump. So I don't know if this guy is that different now.
I'm not fucking gay. Get that drop. Get that clip. I just went that on loop. That was good. Oh, I had one more question. I lost it. Damn it.
Oh, I wish I had something brewing. No brew. Hey, how about those brewings? All right. I had something. Really? You said something. LeBron, Tate, Curry, Woods. Minshew, Guns, Trump. Minshew was actually the Vietnamese football place. No, all right. Shit in my ass. What the hell was that? Something with football. Throw in. What?
It was a good interview. There you go. Threw her off a balcony. What is he, Suge Knight? Good Lord.
Great on camera. That's true.
That's an amazing stat. NFL film, so. What about Wilt the Stilt? You ever meet that guy?
Sexually transmitted? I mean, he fucking... I think he's got the record. He earned it, man.
Yeah, it's like a hot dog eating contest. You know, dipping women in water.
Oh, throat check. Oh, yeah. He is beautiful.
The other guy. That is Doug Christie. With the hair.
I think he's married to that hot lady.
I think I would. I don't love the race. No. Yeah, of course. Of course. Love Vanessa Williams. Joking. Joking. All right.
How does Leonardo DiCaprio do it? Because he won't date anyone over 25.
Oh, baby. Portland, Oregon. We're at the whatever Schnitzer Hall that is. London, Ontario. Toronto. We ended the show. Newport, Rhode Island. Monterey, California. Oakland. Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland as well, and Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater. The big one. Did I tell you the story? What? With the Chicago Theater? Oh, yeah, you told me. Larry David.
Yeah. Oh, he gets shit. But how does he know? He must go, hey, I'm Leo, when's your birthday? He must get that early. Because what if she's 25 and a week away from 26?
Larry David's going to be there. It's very exciting.
No, we're too brave. No, no. You got to roll the dice. People say, do you change up your act? I'm like, it's like a movie. I just play the movie. I don't have an act for everything.
They're like, thank you for coming.
I'm getting pegged. But I'm going to sell that merch. But Amsterdam, yeah, that's just fun. They're going to be glad you showed up too.
So, yeah, we'll see you in Miami.
Good-looking bottle. And I'll be in Fort Lauderdale if you and the wife want tickets. I'll put you right in that sweet balcony, baby.
Less canes than Seinfeld show.
The younger demo, they'll be stumbling out after. But on the way in, they'll be good to go.
And then after the show, your wife's going to text me. Can you do these jokes? All right. All right.
It's funny. Usually guys are like, what's their measurements? He's like, what's their day, month, and year? Is he a Scorpio?
What's that called? Smoke, have you got them? Pipe? Pipe?
What is it? Fume! Get yourself a fume, folks. Great drink, Sprinter.
I always say, I can tell how much I like a guy by how little he celebrates his birthday. I fucking hate it. You get a guy, it's my birthday week. Everybody buckle up. We're going horseback riding.
Man, we are different people. I'm like, I'll get a case of Jim Beam and a Taco Bell. You don't need Taco Bell. No, I'm joking.
I'm not doing tartare at a bar alone with a Manhattan.
I thought it was a surprise. So when Vitor's like, I talked to Sam. I'm like, what? You told him?
Yeah, yeah, you put it together. Yeah. Oh, that would be horrible with an orgy. Like, oh, no. Why is Tom O'Connell here? Why is Bob Kelly here? That did happen to me, remember? What?
Also, that guy, he was not friendly either, right? He was kind of a cunty guy.
And then you're like, what are we going to do if we get into this? Are you going to be up my ass? Am I up your ass? Are we up her ass? I need some details. I need a menu.
You got to get ground rules. I'm doing an orgy. But could you do the watch?
Well, take that and run with it, Candace Owens, because that's not the Dave Smith we all thought we knew.
Whoa, I didn't see that coming from old Davey.
It's not great. It's not ideal.
And then he said he was like a jacked Asian guy, right? Yeah. He wasn't Asian, but he was, like, jacked. Oh, that's even scarier because now it's threatening. This guy can kick my ass. But then the blowjob, if he watches, what are you guys doing? You know, like, you got to see each other. Yeah, yeah.
You're like. You doing umpire shit?
Not great. Not great. And that was pre-apps, right? No, I met her on Tinder.
And we'll get it tonight at the dinner.
Wow, well done. Look at that. That's beautiful. A lot of wasted space there, huh? For somebody who doesn't like to waste paper. We got a lot of negative white.
What if we call it The Avenue? You know, we got Boulevard. Go Avenue. Avenue's kind of New York Avenue. I love it. All right, we got it. That's good stuff. Avenue. How about this new fucking bottle? I'm pretty excited. I love the bottle. It really changes the whole feel of the liquor.
It's got a raw egg. It's raw meat. You're asking for it, and you're drinking all night. That's the fun, the danger. I guess.
I saw how much bigger you were. I was like, sorry about that. He's a little guy. Oh, is he? Yeah. Amazing. But yeah, first of all, it was crazy supportive. That's when I knew I was like, this isn't for me. I didn't care about any of them, you know, but they were super nice. They're like, oh, you're having you need a place to go to Thanksgiving.
And I was like, oh, I mean, like in life, they were support both everywhere.
Well, I just wasn't. I knew it was.
I wasn't that bad. I hate the negate guy. Get rid of him. That guy's a problem. The negate guy. The real N-word.
Why, you think that's bad?
Okay, okay.
Is it weird? This is you guys. Completely new and different. But we've worked together for 15 years on jokes. But this is the first time we went up together and told them. So you have to be like, that one's not hitting. Or you got two killers. I got two weak ones. We got to swip and swap.
We didn't want to get too Sklar brother-y. We wanted to keep it stand-up-y kind of. Not that they're not stand-ups, but you know what I'm saying. We didn't want to finish each other.
Well, the show was such a... I feel like we came prepared. The show was a little... Unorganized. Right. So that's the risk you take. Right, right, right. I think we could do it again if we were. If we wanted to. If we wanted to. Yeah. Do we secretly hate each other? Yeah, it's rough. You've barely looked each other in the eyes. That's my, I can't look people in the eyes. Really?
That's not him, yeah. Why not? That's too intimate. He's gotten better, though.
It just feels like... What are we going to hug? We're talking to each other. Well, I'm listening. If I look in the eye, I'll listen less. When you do stand-up, where do you look? Right over the head. Never look at anybody in the eye. Well, that's different because I think when you look at the audience, they'll go, ha-ha. Yeah, I agree. I agree with that. I don't want to force a laugh.
i go out blasting i want to get them right away because i don't feel like they trust that i'm funny right to prove it right but they know what stand-up is sometimes people at our shows don't know what improv is so that's true they're like what's gonna happen so we kind of explain it i get that there's less of a trust thing with you guys yeah or just from the audience just being like what's gonna happen just a little bit nervous and now they're learning more people always go stand up i don't know how you do it it's so brave and it takes balls this to me is way ballsier because you have no net
We have nothing. We have, at least if it's written, and it still could bomb, but you know what you're going to say when you go out there.
Oh, wow. Right. Sometimes you get so lost in the mechanics of the joke, like the wordplay or the punchline, they don't realize we're saying something about Lizzo being fat.
I used to have a joke where I go, you know, kids back in the day, they yelled shotgun. Now they're in a classroom. And to me, I'm just like, shotgun, shotgun. There you go. That's a joke. The audience is like, Jesus, you're talking about dead kids. And I'm like, oh, yeah. I was just working on the shotgun thing. Right. So you're like, then you adjust. Nah, I kept it. But my crowd liked it.
No, you have to tweak though. I mean, that's the thing.
It was, yeah. That's why we prepared the shit out of it. Yeah, that's awesome.
Yeah, there you go. Is he younger? Is Luigi the young one?
Yeah, it's great. What the fuck? I love that you guys flew first class. Well, they're flying us. Netflix. I flew back coach, by the way. What the hell? Why? Because I needed that time slot. That's all they had. Yeah. I'd rather a red eye and just pass out. Did you get any sleep? Yeah.
Look at me. It's the best I felt in weeks.
You look like hell. This guy's sick now. Everybody. I'm the only one that's sick. You're doing great. Thanks. Yeah, I feel good. But back to the movie, goddammit. Yeah.
Oh, there you go.
Look at that. That's a photo.
Well, I'm just glad he's still working because Mike Myers is kind of done and Eddie Murphy's kind of done. It's just good to see.
Whoa, we were just talking about that.
Yeah. Can we pull up? I know this could be a tough find, but Larry, I mean, sorry. Gary? Gary. I'm thinking Larry Sanders. Gary on the green room going at it with Bo Burnham. It's pretty funny. With Bo Burnham? They kind of got into it a little bit.
Great. So their last name is Mario.
Yeah. I mean, it's going to take some whittling down because that's a long clip.
I think it's right out of the gate. This show is amazing, by the way.
It was a tough crowd.
I never knew that.
He's like 22 here. God, he's so young in this.
Here we go. Who are you? So that gets a fun laugh. Young guy with this. He's locking and loading.
The delivery was so perfect. I mean, that was like Jedi shit.
Roasting the year 2024. Okay, how do you guys feel? Definitely not the roast of the year. It was one of the worst of all time.
There are no tickets.
You got that right. Thank you. Can you just imagine? This is some sappy shit, but Seinfeld and Gary started basically around the same time. They kind of came up together. Did they?
Very paralleled careers stand-up wise, and they really fell in love with each other and became fast friends. They both get a sitcom. This is in the same lot, Seinfeld and Larry Sanders show. Is that true? I didn't know that. And so they got to do the shows together, and then both win Emmys together. I mean, it's pretty wild. That's crazy.
Yeah, I guess so. Did you play Diablo and all those things? Nah, I never got into Diablo. Warcraft took over. Warcraft took over. You were a big Warcraft man. Yeah, my brother liked it, so I played Tales. Yeah, I played Second Fiddle. He would go pee and go eat, and I would get in there.
Yeah, I was going to say, before podcasts, seeing that kind of stuff was so rare. I remember on the bench there in the park, and Seinfeld's like, don't you hate when everybody says comedians are depressed? Like, people driving bread trucks aren't depressed. Come on, get the hell out of here. And he goes, I'm sensing rage. Fucking broke up. It was great. It's great. He's the king.
He's the best delivery. He's the best guy ever. I miss him so much. Another nerdy comedy nugget. Have you seen the Ricky Gervais interview with him? Yes.
Like, in real life, he went to his house. He's annoyed. Yes, he should be. Yeah, and he kind of calls him out. It's all on tape.
Like, it was like... Pull that up if you can.
Are you really mad? Are you actually mad? And he's like, yeah, yeah, I'm mad. Ah, it's great. You got to find the, yeah, that's in his house. There it is. It's part one because it's right in the beginning. So you can skip all the makeup bullshit. And if you get right to the, what he gets in the house.
Nice feather in your cap. That's what I think Ricky said. Yeah, you're probably right, because he just... No laugh track.
Right. Wow, he's so young and chubby. Yes, his kitchen. He's in the house. Such an L.A.
That's crazy. Oh, here it is. He's already directing.
He's like a lawyer.
Great, great.
All right, all right, all right. We can keep going. But yeah, these are, these ringage, he does that one with Larry David. They're all great. Amazing. Sanders is the, Sanders. Shanley is the king.
I loved it. The orcs killing him. How about Sin City? Not Sin City.
Sim City is Leisure Suit Larry. Remember Leisure Suit Larry?
Wow. Isn't that crazy? Kooky. Very kooky.
Dookie? Good album. Way off. Ah, shit. Well, last nugget on Shanley, and then I'll put it to bed. Please. Do you see the documentary about him? Yeah. Apatow made. It's great. It was great. Gorgeous.
But, so, he always does two-parters. But, okay. Funny people, four-parter. You can't get him on the podcast. What are you doing? Oh, we've had him many times.
But he...
what told his wife wanted to get married or his girl his girlfriend wanted to get married we got to get married we got to get married you know gary did yeah gary's girlfriend's like we have to get married you're like 48 linda was that it was that maybe maybe he won't so he's like i don't want to get married i'm scared she's like you got to marry me and he goes how about this i'll marry you when the house is finished being built and she was like done that that works and he's like all right and he kept adding wings to the house just to get out of the marriage he was like oh the pool's not
Not done. Oh, the garage is halfway. And then she'd be like, well, the garage is done. He's like, I added a guest room to the third floor. So he kept building, and then he died.
What a great loophole.
I love it. That's so funny. You love it. I'm a commitment phone. I caved because I can't afford to build more house. But ran out of things to build. Yeah.
He's got a joke, oh, I'm going to fuck this up. He goes, you know, I fucked Miss Georgia. And then the guy goes, really? He goes, well, former Miss Georgia. He goes, well, really? He goes, all right, it was George Foreman. Norm MacDonald, the king, the funniest guy ever, quotes that as like, I can see how every joke is constructed. I've been doing comedy so long.
He's like, I have no idea how he wrote that joke. Really? Yeah, he's just like, that joke is on another level of joke writing. Did you have Norm on this podcast?
I'm autistic. Are you for real? Well, no, I just remember that date. And my birthday is four days later, too. My birthday is September 15th. Hey, Virgo!
I love the joke. I mean, I can't pick one, but one of my favorites is, He goes to the gay pride parade. I was going to say that. Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me? That joke is established.
I'm going to fuck it up, but it's like he's at the gay pride parade. A mom had a sign that said, I'm proud of my gay son. Or I'm proud that my son is gay or something. And he's like, well, what are you proud of? It's not an accomplishment. You know, it's like if you're like, my son graduated from law school at Harvard. You're like, all right, that's proud of. That's worthy of being proud of.
Now you're just like, he loves cock. Yeah. Something like that. I can't do it like that.
Yeah, no, you're butchering it. I butchered it.
Oh, here it is. Wow.
I mean, first of all, that observation is brilliant. Anyone would see I'm proud of my gay son and go, oh, that's nice. Mom's proud of her son. She's not homophobic. That's nice. He goes... Why are you proud of him? It's not an achievement.
Fun nugget, the moth story. You know, it's five minutes long. That's a one-liner. That's an incredible joke. It probably is like Masterpiece. But the moth joke is one line that Colin Quinn told him. He's like, hey, you ever heard that joke? Why'd the moth go to the therapist? He goes, well, what are you in here for? He goes, the light was on. That's the whole joke.
But he made it five minutes long because Conan said, oh, our guest didn't show. Can you stretch a little?
So he took that joke and just stretched. That was on the fly. Is that true? That's true.
Well, I get sappy on a plane. I get emotions on a plane.
I mean it was a text
No, I just think it felt necessary. Maybe I'm changing.
What? Jesus. Well, you look like a lump. I don't know. It had to be said, and it felt like we left abruptly. We did a podcast, then he got into a car, I got into a car, I went to the airport. I love it. We're getting older.
Yes, boom shakalaka.
It was too abrupt, so I felt like I needed a ta-da at the end.
Don't get me gifts. It just piles up. Unless I really need it. Right, right, right. A good hairline. I do. Yeah. Oh, thanks. I was trying to compliment you.
Yeah, there you go. You took that.
But you guys did well. You hit it. We did well. I ended horribly. I fucked up the ending.
That's flowy, black. Thick, thick black head of hair.
I got one to buy you some time. Go, please. All right. How about this one? The guy who doesn't know the answer to something, he asks you, you don't know either, and then he gets mad. Oh, that's good. I like that. This happened to me today. What's the example? Well, the guy's like, when does this place open? Or he said something like that. Where does it close? And I go, oh, I don't know.
I try to give a little, oh, show. Because I don't want to be the guy who goes, I don't fucking know. Get out of here. So I go like, ah. I go, ah, I don't know. Four or five. I'm not really sure. And he goes, thanks a lot. And I'm like, well, you didn't know either, dick cheese. What the fuck?
Yes. They love you, but they're going a different way.
There's a couple others. Let's table that.
Put a pin in it. Unpack this.
yeah i can't do that you ever heard that bill burr thing he says those those uh la meetings you got to do over the phone like a general or whatever yeah yeah he goes i throw my phone across the bed while i'm laying on the bed and i cover my eyes and i just wait till it's over so like unless they ask me a question i i'll answer it but if they don't i just wait and like that's amazing and then wait till it's over and i totally understand do you guys have top comics what's your favorite comic of all time
That's the 80s.
Come on. What are we doing? I'd be like Cosby's later work.
Yes. You're one of those fucking kids that lives up in Riverdale. That's your taxi driver.
Have you guys met him?
Well, it's crazy. Back in the 40s, guys worked in a factory in dress shoes. They served in the war.
Yeah, we've DM'd a little. Okay. Yeah. How'd that go? Good, actually. It was very nice and complimentary of my dumb tweets. I love it. Also, I got a joke on the Globes. From him? I sent him.
That's pretty good to be at this level, writing on this, the 81st Oscars.
How did you not get on SNL?
Man, so many kids yelling, a lot of kids stuff.
I love voiceover. Wow, boy, if you can get into voiceover, you are set for life, baby. It doesn't pay very well. Oh, it doesn't? Yeah, voiceover does not pay very well. I just thought, I guess I go off the Simpsons guys. Those guys are- Oh my God, no.
God, they fuck you every way. And then that writer's strike I think had like an opposite effect.
Modern Family. Wow, that show is underrated, I feel like.
That's coming, baby. Sonic 6.
You barely walk around with them. Now they're wearing pink, neon green shoes. It's all different ball games.
Man, you could host. You look right in that desk. I love Colbert. He's so smart, dude.
Wow. It's like the WNBA now.
Whoa. Branson didn't know he was joking, I guess?
It aired. Yeah, I mean, you can't not air that. Right. Takes off his pants. Yeah, I think they scrubbed it. They scrubbed it. What the fuck?
That's a good moment.
All right, Clark Barr.
That's my thing.
And he seemed fun. Letterman, to me, was cool, but he was like this older statesman where Conan felt like a guy I would hang out with.
Well, it's funny. We were just talking about this the other day. If we photobomb a photo, people will stab us. But if Julia Roberts does, it's like a huge win. I literally have kept it my whole life in the same place.
Okay. Yeah. What are your favorite movies? Well, we got to wrap this up, but yeah, throw something out there.
Yeah, any Coen is pretty great.
Well, I like Cool Hand Luke. I just love that movie. I love Groundhog Day. Oh, that's a perfect comedy. Deep.
And it's in theaters, which is nice. I love a theater movie.
It was awesome. I saw Ghostbusters, the new one with Paul Rudd. Yeah. With Ronnie Chang in Lincoln Center. It was so fun. So cool. Yeah. So cool. Day of the, what is it? The release day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is exciting. All right. Well, go. What's the website called?
Anyway, that's right. You don't have to look at any of this anymore. Check it out, rejectedjokes.com, folks, for the tour dates.
Well, we had a lot of help. We don't know what the hell we're doing, but we're getting there. We're in all these comedy clubs now, and it's online.
How cool is that? Very cool. Are you happy you're doing it?
Kid fucking.
Yeah, my wife's eight months pregnant. Oh! I'm taking a break after January. Congrats. Thank you, sir. How cool. Not mine. Houston, Texas. All right. Phoenix, Dallas. And then I'm going to take a break. And then we're back in Nashville at the Ryman. Dude, that venue's the best. I'm excited. And then Asheville, I'm doing a make-up date because of that cunt Helene ruined the city.
Does it say sold out? All of them.
So you don't have to think about this at all. No. We pump out the jokes. So come on by. We pump out the jokes. I don't know when this comes out. Oh, shit. All right. Well, yeah. Happy New Year. Happy Holidays.
It had some darkness to it. Well, making a stand up movie is always challenging because punchline, they're all kind of considered a joke.
The connection. You're so in sync.
I was that stupid. We have a friend who, I'm not going to say his name, but he did Montreal and had a bad set and lost his manager. No. So he went to Montreal and lost industry. Wow. Lost representation. Jesus. I've never heard of that before. Yeah. He must have been really bad. Yeah.
he's good he just had it was like one of those uh industry nights where they're all in their blackberries no one's listening and he just tanked and they're all there to see one hot guy yeah that guy skyrocketed matt rife and then uh all the other people they're just waiting like oh who's this douche get out of the way and then they bombed Wow. Yeah, but it was better off. He's better off.
You don't want that manager. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The person that gives up on you immediately. Yeah. After one bad set.
Why do you think that is? Because there's always something wrong. You can always find a way.
Have you ever had one of those? Because you've done a million shows, I assume. Yeah. You ever had one of those ones like, there's good, there's great, and then one is just magic. Everything just comes together. I did improv for like 10 minutes. Did you? Oh, yeah. Somebody told me if you're going to do stand-up, you should do an improv class just to learn how to riff.
The Pit. Yeah, I performed with The Pit when I first started.
He was an old kooky guy.
maybe he's not kooky but he's like the old he's like the veteran over there he was not he was he was low bar oh he's like the guy that like their forms named after armando diaz yeah okay this guy he's intro he probably was an intern that they gave us but it was bad but first thing i noticed was improvisers are supportive comments like get out of my way you piece of shit open mics and stand up were like oh they're just not listening ruthless the guy the guy i tour with who's like now one of my best friends barack obama
He looks so tired. Oh, he's got all those kids and a Hispanic wife. If she doesn't clean around the house, you got to be like, hey, you got to keep up with Hispanic part everywhere.
But when he started... One, two, three, four, five. Having a pregnant wife now is so much work. Imagine doing that five times. It's insane.
Seven. Holy... And she looks great. She hung in there. She's like a yogi. Ah. But still, it must be tough.
I think Tig Notaro replaced him. Oh, that was D'Elia in another movie.
Oh, yeah. We had another thing. I can't remember. That naughty little fatty. You never met Alec.
Damn. Yeah, the years of – when I was younger, I feel like a lot of people had five kids, four kids. You don't see that as much anymore.
Well, you don't have to. Everyone is depressed. Everyone's like, I'm depressed. Life is horrible. There's so much hate in the world. And then you're like, you want a kid? They're like, well, I don't want to ruin my life. I'm like, oh, wait. I thought your life was depressed and ruined and worthless.
Yeah, he goes, how's this car? And he goes, it's not easy. Maybe that's about marriage. Marriage, yeah, it's about marriage.
a bunch of different like i go from one thing to the next and it does because i'll start with stand up because you can't it's hard to go back to stand up but yeah who's this guy hey sit down come on in oh yeah go pee oh that we've heard hey rosebud you know kyle hi how are you this is a classic
Wow. That's going to be you.
Oh, yeah. That's a classic video. They should play that at every comedy club before you go on. This is from 18 years ago. Woo. It looks like it's from the 60s. It looks like, yeah. That's RFK. Man, that must have been Boston, I guess. Oh, yeah. Maybe. I don't know, but crazy times. Isn't it amazing how much fucked up shit has happened in a comedy club before cameras?
How many sets do you have in your early years where you're like, man, I wish that was filmed? Oh, I have a lot where I'm glad there was no camera. Wow, that too. Yeah.
On stage? Yeah.
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Thanks for coming. Oh, thank you for having me. Blair's got a new YouTube special.
You're a big bummer. Well, it's 2.30 in the afternoon. It does seem early. What is your vice? You guys potheads?
I do the gummies as well.
Do you find, because sometimes I'll wake up a little groggy and I feel like I missed a mental step with the weed gummies. Do you feel fine in the morning?
It doesn't, okay? He smokes a lot of weed. Yeah, he's big into it. Big weed guy. He does it on his podcast. Yeah.
Yeah, there you go. That'd be a bad pod.
No. And then you start bombing, then you think about bombing, and then you think about that, and then you think about that, and you're off in another dimension while they're just staring at you. Yeah. Your time is slower, so you're bombing longer. No. That's true. That was the worst thing about Zoom comedy was you're bombing in your room.
So like now I'm in my room bombing and you close your laptop and you're like, oh, I'm home. I'm still here.
I'm still swimming in this feeling.
The Zoom shows.
No. No, no way. You got all these little boxes and you're like, is that guy laughing in the top right? No, he's not. Okay.
Who wants that guy at their birthday? I need the Secretary of Treasury.
Oh, yeah. I remember him.
Did you just put in a different name? What year was that, do you think? You did this. Oh, this is...
I don't get why this guy gives a speech. Who's after you, the Attorney General?
But it's funny, because Tony Robbins hired you, and after this bomb, you have to hire him to, like, build your motivation.
That was good. I want to talk about that story. You're like, I need help. I'm in a dark place, Tony. That's really funny.
That's true. It wasn't televised, but I had to do 10 minutes of warm up at the VMAs, you know, Radio City sold out a bunch of like young, hot twinks and sexy, you know, Ariana Grande types. And I am dying. Nobody will even look at me. And J-Lo walked by and I was like, hey, J-Lo. And she goes, oh. Like, don't bring me into this bullshit.
And they lit me early, and they were like, get off, get off. So I did about eight. There's me trying to get around Bebe Rexha to get on stage.
He was in the front row, and he came up and shook my hand. He was like, hey, how are you? That's how loose the set was. That's how bad I was bombing.
Horrible. It's brutal.
It's a horrible story.
Blair, you're new here. This happens a lot.
Part on Yamanika. I almost got stabbed in the eye. I bet.
Yeah, that was a starter. That was an opening the door. It was a squeak. Yeah, yeah. Nice. What are you doing in New York?
Hey. Yeah. Happy birthday. You have a daughter?
You got that right.
Can we pull up the special? It looks so damn good. How did you get that to look so sharp and crisp?
Oh, I didn't know that. It's not on YouTube.
Oh, okay, okay. Veeps, they did Brad Williams as well.
Wait a minute. Are those the sleeves with the thumb hole? Yeah, they are. Nice. I like that.
Peeves. Anyone got some peeves? Yeah, I always have peeves. I had one. We had one today. We went to a diner earlier. I hate the guy, the waiter will bring you the bill, and then he hovers. I'm like counting chain. I'm counting cash, and he's just like, he wants that money. And I'm like, get out.
That's a classic Hollywood move is pretending to not know who someone is. That happens all the time in Hollywood. That's literally called Hollywooding. Yeah, there you go. It's a verb.
Get out of my face.
And you got to give them a tip. You're like, you're right here. You're right here. I have to go 20%. Yeah. 18. But yeah, I don't like all this. The money should be a little more private. It's like ATMs. Remember you stood back while a guy used an ATM or a porn booth?
Exactly. I have COVID. Back it up. Six feet.
A variation of a dodge. Yeah. Yeah. That and motorcycles, too.
Oh, you don't like motorcycle guys?
I get it, but I get both sides. I get why because you're paranoid. Your whole thing is like get through this fucking line. So when someone's holding back seven feet of space, mentally you just want it filled.
So I get it, but I get your point too. You're not wrong.
Yes, diagonal walkers. What are you, a bishop? Like a rook or whatever that is.
Those line me. Yeah, that's no good. But he's a psychotic man. Yeah. Yeah.
If it's a lady, I give them the wall. If it's a guy, it's a Mexican standoff. Yeah. That's a tough one. If he's Mexican, I give it to him.
His hands are really tiny. He's a small, he's 5'7". Yeah. I met him once. Huge hog, by the way.
It's like lore around L.A. Really? Everybody, oh, 5'8".
Oh, it's a whopper.
There's a clip from a prostitute podcast. She's like an escort, and she talked about it.
Of course you just decided. Yeah, exactly. Well, fucking podcaster Kamala is on Call Her Daddy. Did you see that? That's insane. The political world is so bananas right now. Theo is having Trump and Bernie Sanders. It's just out of whack. Yeah. I think she's doing Stern. Kamala Harris is doing Howard Stern. Do you realize how insane? Telling a kid in the 90s that.
You're going to have the first female possibly candidate on your show after the whores with the cold cuts on the ass.
That's right. And Gillis.
And Shane Secret Pod. So yeah, he's a busy man when he's not running over bears. Maybe Whitney's baby is an RFK. Ooh. Could be. It's going to go, mama. Yeah.
Did that sell? The problem is it's not the raspiness. It seems like he's gasping to talk. That's what bugs me about it.
It's upsetting. It feels like you can't be serious.
Of course. It seems like he's hurting.
I do Nancy Pelosi. Oh, wow. Nobody does Pelosi. No one does Pelosi.
He's in Annie Hall for a minute.
Okay. Which he would never do.
Oil paintings. Is that Ben Shapiro you did? Oh, you do do Shapiro. Oh, yeah. Juliette Lewis commented on that.
I know, exactly. I mean. He hates kids. No, I guess you have to put in Kyle Dunn again. Oh, Mars spelled. M-A-H-E-R. That's so funny to hate. I got a million guys doing me. I've never gotten angry about it.
We don't have to watch the whole thing, sorry. This is crazy. It's so good. SNL should get wind of this, or at least bad TV.
My name is Nancy. Oh, you got that fucking skull hand. No skeleton hand.
Well, Bill Maher.
The politicians, I assume, aren't going to hit you up. Nah. But Tony Robbins found you.
Did you see Gaffigan is doing Tim Walls now on SNL?
It's a lot of fun.
Tim Wall, I mean, that would be the dream, is just be a regular working comedian, and then SNL's like, hey, can you come do that one guy you look like?
Almost as good as yours. It's the little things. Yeah. Yeah, that's like. He's so funny. She's perfect for this.
Unburdened by what may have been. We are not going back.
No, this isn't it. Nah, there's a guy. Nah, forget it. Ah, well. Damn. Good time to be a comic. Any recs? I've been watching the Vince McMahon. You guys watching that a little bit?
Yeah, a lot of dad cum. Is that proven, though? Because he just wrote that in.
I feel like his show is bigger than ever, and now you pop up, and you got a hell of a Maher.
That's Mr. McMahon's daughter.
Fitz McMahon, shitting on chess.
What a guy. He's in real trouble now. That mustache is pretty villainous, too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's looking fucking old. He could be an impression. Have you put him on the list? He's got the raspy voice. Let me work on that. Pull up a Vince McMahon now. He sounds like a little Blair Sokey in there.
becomes paralyzed in a match like some dark shit so that's what i had to do to get a hug from my dad not one yet but yeah he uh he's a scary dude Oh, boy.
Yeah. Here's him, and what's her face? Trish.
Bark like a dog, he made her. And she got interviewed, and she was like, it wasn't that bad.
She's all right. By the way, his wife's in a wheelchair throughout this whole thing. I mean, it's great. That's the gag.
He made her bark like a dog.
This is primetime network TV, folks. I can do her.
Oh, completely. I mean, they did blackface. They did every stereotype in the book.
He should have you on. He'll have you on eventually. He has the other impression.
Let's always be on your tombstone. Matthew Perry's is, I won't be there for you. When the rain starts to fall, I'll be there. His doctor got in trouble. You see that? His doctor got convicted of whatever, overdosing. One lady, too, right? Was it?
Xanax? Does that work?
Oh, really? Some people don't like impressions of themselves. Well, he has a very high sense of himself. Like he always says, I'm the best comic. I'm a great comic, blah, blah, blah. Where other comics are like, I suck. Like David Tell is like, I'm a hack. Mars is like, I'm the king.
Could this be any sadder? Had to be done. Obligatory.
Oh, really? Love it.
Pull this up. Adam West, Batman, was the biggest poonhound in America. He would fuck like two women. I don't know about this footage, but he'd bang two women that night. Then he'd wake up, bang another lady. Then he'd go to the set and have a lady on the set to bang. It's crazy.
Oh, really? We should hang.
What a vintage. Well, it's the 60s, so I'm trying to throw it back. Talk about having a hot mom, too, right?
You're like, you? Well, you only hear it from other people about your mom, not the daughter.
Eight women a night. That's not possible. Talk to Kyle. Yeah.
Well, you spread it out. That's not even fun. No, it's not.
That's true. Wow. He was a superhero. All right.
Right. Well, yeah, we don't get it. We don't want to get into that. But yeah, I know what you mean. But now these kids have nothing to complain about because back in my day, if you couldn't get it up, you had to like apologize and tell a story or go down on it for an hour. Now these kids are just like, hey, I can't get it up. I'll take a blue chew.
I mean, this is fine.
Yeah, and black people weren't allowed in the limelight. So you couldn't, you'd have to compete. Because they're all ripped. I don't know if we should be going down this road.
They weren't taking our women. Joking. And sports were easier too. And you had someone to do your job.
Yeah, yeah. Who do I not like? I've never seen him laugh either. You hate Cosby? Yeah. Yeah, that's true. People who hate Trump tend to be a little Trumpy. Cuomo. Cuomo. Alec Baldwin. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Well, you know, all the blue-haired ladies were like, you can't say that. I'm like, well, you're like a dictator now. You're telling us what we can and can't do. It's kind of ironic.
Pull him up. Oh, pull him up. He's old school. Was he a Brooklyn guy? I think he was. Everyone, every Jew in the old days was from Brooklyn. That's got to be. I mean, he looks like one of my cousins. He really does. He looks like Michael Richards. Oh, look at that form. I love it. Yarmulke on or off?
Not a lot of Jews named Dolph anymore, by the way.
Good looking guy, though.
What do you think, Blair? JFK Jr. a hunk or what? Pull him up. I mean, this is the hottest man on the planet, if you ask me.
Why are you bringing me up? What the hell?
Get over here and put a towel down. Have you seen this man, JFK Jr.?
Come on. What a hunk.
Oh, yeah. A goy version.
Who's your top layer? Yeah.
Oh, he's a good actor.
You know him. You'll recognize him. He's in everything. Walton Goggins. Walton Goggins.
He lives in the West Village where he has a house there. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I've seen him walking around.
He's all urinal.
Incredible. Yeah, he's a good actor. Is it the acting that you like, the fact that he's ripped, or the crazy mug?
You know all the women are talking about right now is this Adam Brody.
Every girl. All the millennial.
He's good. Yeah. That show is girl porn. I've been having to watch it with my wife. Girl porn. Yeah. He's got all this riz and he's funny and cute and he helps old women get across the street.
That's not a great look, though.
Wait, who's Jeffrey Dean Morgan? He's in a lot of shit.
I thought that was Javier Bardem.
Oh, Dwayne Wade. Yeah, yeah. The little basketball player?
He's a pretty guy, though.
You're all over the road.
I like it. You know what you like.
And body. Yeah, that's true. Boy, I'd love to see that guy naked. Would you love to see Kim Jong-un? There's not a stitch of hair on that body. I bet he's smooth as a seal. And I bet he's got a tiny, tiny little crab rangoon.
That's a good point.
That doesn't pay the bills. No. There's a lonely epidemic.
That's what I do. He's going to hate that. He watches the show.
Speaking of the devil, that's Coco coming in hot. I mean, that's his thing.
What the heck? RuPaul, what? Vanessa Kaye.
Damn. They'd Huff's Huff. Amber Smith. Tracy Richman. Woo, baby. All right. Quite a list of... People that have no connection with each other. He's like, you, Blair.
A lot of range.
What about you, Kyle? Who's your number one besides the Sarah Silverman who broke your heart?
Who are some of your number one hot ladies that you're into?
Oh, I didn't know you pulled any celebs.
Oh, baby. Whoa, look at that. Here we go.
Oh, my God. A black hooker. What the heck?
It was one page of a guy fishing. That's about right. That's great. This is an ad for a fucking laptop. Or mental health.
This is a picture of Diddy.
Yeah, the Peter Griffin. Yeah, that's about right. oh that's good stuff by the way that's never what you want to hear on a naked pic zoom in that's true he's all ball bag yeah he's got a fupa it's fucking bad yeah what is what does david tell say i want to tickle him till he queefs duck sauce
Did you guys see that Lana Del Rey, famous pop star, is dating a Louisiana crocodile hunter? Married.
That's one for the Louisiana boys.
Right. A crocodile might be easier. But yeah, good point. Oh, look at that. He's like a man.
This guy's a Cajun Southern dude. Oh, check out that name, Mark.
Yeah. We kept going, and he kept being like, I took the night off for this interview, so let's hang out all night. I'm like, ah.
Yeah. Thanks for getting me shit-faced. I know. I set aside a half an hour for this, and he was like, we're going all night. We did. Yeah. That was not wise. Did he find you after the show? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
No. I've seen your feed. You've got talons. You've got like eagle feet. Yeah.
I don't know. This is on the internet. No! This is Delecuse's homepage. All right, what are you doing?
No, they go all in.
Oh, you look good. Oh, there you go. That's a nice covered up photo of Annie Wood.
I think Kyle's got wood.
And there was nothing. If you can find this as a gay site that rates comedians. Oh, I don't want to. Really? Yeah, so I was like, it'll be me versus Brian Hamilton or you versus Judy Gold. Whatever it is.
You could do worse than Louis Anderson.
Yeah. I opened for him in Vegas years ago and we drove around for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, you want to get McDonald's? I was like, okay. And then we sat in the McDonald's parking lot and ate and he talked about comedy and then he touched my leg and we went home. No, we didn't. Yeah. Well, he had his knee hit mine.
I get it. I don't even blame, you know.
No, I get it. He's feeling it out. But I will say he ordered milk from McDonald's, which I had never seen. Wow. That's wholesome and disgusting. Yeah.
Oh, that's a great bit, yeah. What is that? He's making out with some girl, and he's, like, going for the bra, and she's like, no, stop. And he's like, okay. Then they're making out more, and he goes for the pants. She's like, no, stop. He's like, okay. And then he sees her the next night at the comedy club, and he goes... She goes, what happened? Why didn't we have sex?
And he goes, you kept stopping me. And she's like, I wanted you to go for it. And he's like, so you want me to rape you on the off chance you're into it?
You know, it's like, yeah, but it's that's a great bit. It's a tough one. Yeah, it's tough because you're you got to know what the lady is into or wants, but you can't ask. But then if you ask you, you're like a pussy, you can't be like, can I kiss you? And I think the guys going in for the kiss, they've seen it on a movie, you know, where they're just like, you just go in for it.
And the girl's like, oh, I'm so swooned.
Guys can't wait for bed with vibes.
Right, right. Yeah, what do you do then?
I know. My wife was telling me the other day, she's like, oh, I banged a bunch of guys that I just didn't know how to get rid of. And I'm like, oh, great. All right. Is that what happened with us? She did not say that. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a bunch. She's like, I'm having sex with men who are just like, how do I get out of this? Like, how do I end this date? And you're like, I got to fuck them.
That makes sense.
That's true. That's a good point.
Yeah, let's try the squid. Yeah. Keep it coming.
No, that makes sense. That makes sense.
It's a long thing. It's so long. But thank God for comedy, because we have an out. We go, oh, I got a 10 o'clock spot. I'll see you later. But if you like her, you can bring her to the show. But if you don't, it's a good way to hit the road.
Yeah, true. You got to introduce, and he's like, oh, man, there's Bill Burr. And you're like, oh, geez, now I got to introduce you to Bill Burr. Yeah, that is brutal.
I brought a girl to a show once. I had a hot set. We had sex. Then I brought her back to another show like a week later, and I bombed. I never heard from her again. I swear to God. Marie! Marie! Never heard from her again. I had a tough, tough set. And she was like, all right, well, you know, it's getting late, you know?
Oh. And he goes, you're a cashier.
Please. What do you got? You got an idea? Premise? Yeah, I got a bunch. Well, what's something you're excited about? Half hour of stuff.
Oh, come on. Are you really? Oh, okay. All right. Go straight through that door. Let it circle around. Yeah, we'll ride. All right. Oh, I got nothing on this puppy tits. Yeah. I mean, that felt like a bit. Yeah. Like done. It does need, I think it could use a tag, but milk bone. Yeah, just, I mean, the premise is you have- I'm going to put them in the pound. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
But having just something women love versus – Right. So – Well, I've always said the things women like about men aren't considered creepy. Like women like a tall guy. A woman can go up to a guy and be like, wow, you're so tall. And that's completely fine. But a guy can be like, huge tits, you know. Women go, you're funny. Funny is a turn on or you have a good – you have a great job.
I guess a woman can't say you have a lot of money.
All right. Okay. We got a lady here who agrees. How do you get money and tits to connect? Oh, just coming out of your shirt, maybe. Yeah. Or out of your pockets. Uh-huh. That's closer to your shirt. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Because you're in love.
Well, he's a hot guy.
Oh, he does love you. That's the new bunch of fish in the sea is a lot of trainers in L.A.
What if there's, you know, a stripper will bring you to the champagne room. Maybe he's like, I'll be your only client. You know, like he's like, we'll work together alone. Yes, yes. Come to your house or something. Some kind of parallel with getting him alone. And you got to pay him a little more when he finishes the job.
Yeah. And maybe you pay him by putting ones in his whatever pants he's wearing. Parachute pants.
And we got to finish yours. I know. Sorry, I had to go out.
What about this? Your bachelorette party, you bring everybody to the gym. All your girlfriends are all going to the gym to meet this. That's good.
Maybe a rescue could be fake tits. You rescued your small boobs. Rescue is fake tits. That's stupid.
Maybe the end is the big difference is I can go to the pound and get a free puppy. Tits are quite expensive or something. The difference between them instead of just comparing them could be a way to button it up.
Even Roseanne is freaked? That's a bad sign. She's a kook and a half. I like her.
Maybe something with a puppy and tits. They're both a lot of work to get back to the house. Like you got a potty tray in the puppy for tits. You got to buy dinner. I don't know. You got to buy food for both. All right.
Yeah. You got something here. It bothers me. It bothers me. Oh, what about the idea of service tits? Oh, service tits. Service animals. Now, what do you do with these boobs on the plane? They make me feel better. They calm me down.
Oh, yeah. Yes. You have to pay.
Seeing eye tits. That doesn't even make sense. All right, I got one. Help me with this. This is a raw, wacky idea. It's all up in the air. So me and the wife moved into this new house, and we got this designer guy, like this flamboyant gay guy. He's an amazing designer, but they're butting heads left and right, and they keep arguing.
And she's like, you said this, and how come you can't complete this? He's like, I never said that. And she's pulling up receipts and stuff. Like, you said it right here. And I'm like, oh, you're gay. You've never argued with a woman. All right. This is a whole new world for you. You're way out of your element. And he's like, his head is spinning.
And she's like, you said this, and I never forgot that. And what about this six months ago? And he's like, where's all this coming from? And so I need some money.
I'm sitting back.
torturing you what's another thing she does uh she remembers everything she has text to prove everything that's this one yeah investigative journalism yeah oh my the tone i don't like your tone um i feel like uh you're you're slighting me uh
Yeah, yeah. Just from experience. Right. She starts withholding sex from him. That's it. I'm never fucking you again. You're like, wait, what was that?
That's funny. I like that. That could be good. That's really good. I like that. All right. That's funny.
That helps. Look at that. Look at that. But he must go home to his husband at the end of the day. Thank God you're a dude. Yeah. All right, what do you got there?
Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. What's shaking? We got the one, the only Kyle Dunn again. Been there, done again. Been there, done it again. What's shaking? Done again. This is primo Dunn again time. I mean, it's just RFK Jr. up the wazoo. It's Bill Maher up the ass. I think the Maher is my favorite.
I think the heaven is a good angle because it gives it somewhere to go. Now we have that to play with. Heaven is good. She's not going to get in because you took your seat.
This is why I'm bringing this one up. Yeah, yeah, that is tough. You hope the plane crash, she would die, and you'd be like, oh, thank God. She took my seat.
Maybe there's something with a baby on a flight screaming and something with her screaming, some kind of parallel there. I don't know.
That's a tough one. Yeah, I don't know where to go.
You know how people... Where's Cheryl Hines on all this? She's like, you brought home a fucking bear now. What do we do? You're already running for president. You don't have Secret Service.
Holocaust-like.
Oh, good. Good move. That was very funny. Bell House, Mothership, and something else I saw. Joe's Pub with the piano. With the band. Hell yeah. Yeah. All right.
Yes. Check out the special. Uh-oh, we lost it. Uh-oh. Where'd you go, Sally?
Austin Tejas. Go to the Vulcan Gas Co. Oh, I like that place. Yeah. Great. Look at that hair. Thank you. Like a pinup. All right. What do you got there, Samuel L. Jackson?
It's perfect. Wow.
Very good. Hey, Cleveland Hilarities. Best club. Great club. One of my faves. Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago, theater, Poughkeepsie, Connecticut, North Carolina, see Asheville. Oh, is Asheville, do they have people anymore? No, they don't.
Yeah. All right, we'll figure something out. We'll send them a bottle of bodega. Houston, Phoenix, and Dallas. Thank you. Get some Bodega Cat, folks.
Right, right. You ever heard him without the voice, pre-voice? It's pretty wild. Just, it's so crazy to see him, no crazy voice. He's young. You got to go young. What happened to his voice? I think he got some kind of illness in the trachea.
It would have helped. Yeah. But the bear shit doesn't help either. Oh, yeah.
Isn't that mind-boggling?
That's a little Bob Newhart for you. Look how cute. Oh, wow. Good-looking guy. All the Kennedys are hunks. They all have good hair. That's that Irish stock. Pull up John F. Kennedy Jr. This would be my number one if I flipped to homosexuality. Yes. I think he is the best-looking guy on the planet. Body, hair, face. Everything.
I mean, the whole thing. He's a Kennedy. He can fly a plane. Apparently not well. Oh, that's true. That's funny he cannot fly a plane. But look at that hairline. I mean, the thick, full head of black hair, the perfect amount of chest.
A little, yeah, a little. But look at that. I mean, that is a man. Handsome guy. Woo! Got the good smile. He's got the suit.
Good-looking people I don't listen to, man or woman.
Wait, wait. You've heard the plane footage?
All right. I heard that Stephen Colbert's dad, brother, and cousin were all- I think two brothers. He lost a lot of family. Pull it up. Crazy story.
Damn. Dad and two older brothers. Wow. Plane crash after. Was that one plane?
See, they ride around in those single-engine Cessnas all day. That's what rich people do. They got the mini planes. Four plane crashes. Okay.
That's up there. Not bad.
Really? You're wrong. I'm right. I told you there was no God. So terrific.
Yeah. Oh, that's a great one.
It's got a lot of Austin Powers in there. It's all Austin Powers. Do I make you Randy?
He loves Tim Dillon. He loves Rogan. He's always in that world. He did Kill Tony once. Oh, he did? Yeah, he did a set and he really bombed. Wait a minute. RFK Jr. did a comedy set? At the Forum. Can we see that? It's really bad. Oh, this is hilarious. I know. I wish somebody sniped it.
I have a wall spot and stuff.
You tell him some of the jokes.
He knew to make me tell the joke in a tiny little area where he'd feel trapped. Right. So, yeah, Trump goes, Artie was the best. He was the funniest. He was the funniest. And then, how are we going to tell the joke? And then, I was a loser. And this is, I don't know how,
Well, you saw that. I know it's old news now, but the scene where the guy was pulling the ball out of that guy's glove? Yeah. That was, I mean, in Japan, that wouldn't fly. They would cut that guy's hand off.
Yeah, it was in the World Series, but it was so egregious.
Oh, no. Look at this. Oh!
Tony Tarasco. Pops it back to the wall. Kid stole it. That's a home run. And he was a hero.
Drink Bodega Cat, folks.
That doesn't sound so bad.
Yeah. They're not that far off.
You don't seem Jew. You hide your Judaism like Anne Frank. Can I? I am. I'm whispering in the attic. Camel hat. the hoodie, the high top.
That's a good point.
Yeah, but you don't look particularly Jewish.
It's like when you eat vegan food and you're like.
But you're like a black albino where somebody could be like, these fucking heebs, I'll tell you. And they're saying it to you. And you're like, you don't know that I'm one of them.
There's a fine line between a hobo and dirty Elmo. And they're pretty much the same thing.
I still love it. Right? Yeah, it's great. Talent is talent. We can separate.
Yeah, exactly. But Roethlisberger was doing who knows what, but he could still play. We know what. Yeah. Were you a Steelers fan? No.
Yeah. We are knowledge.
Right, right. Well, it makes you wonder who's next. Like, is the Tom Hanks shoe going to drop? Bite your tongue. Tom Hanks thing is bullshit. Yeah, I'm just saying.
I don't think it's real.
Yes. Well, you want to believe it. It's juicy. You're like, oh, let's go. I don't want to believe it with Tom Hanks. Me neither. I'm not saying I want to either, but I'm saying people enjoy that.
People have schadenfreude. I'm telling you. Like, when Ellen gets popped for being a c***, everybody's like, woo-wee. And I'm like, well, she was never a c*** to you. But they love it.
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Feimster! I got you a drink right there if you want.
It's funny, we talked about Dolly Parton and a lesbian shows up.
Is that either one of you guys? No. No. I don't eat potatoes. Just give me a handjob.
Here I am. How the hell are you?
Whoa, you got a lot of range.
I didn't know you sang. Are you a talented singer?
Nicely done. This is you singing.
Oh, are you guys going to make out or scissor?
She's underrated hot.
What is going on here?
I wish I'd never seen this. You with the do-rag, the wife-beater.
Not as Jew-y as you.
The Jew is supposed to manage the boy band. Not be in it.
Yeah, she's great. I watched the whole documentary on her. She slept in her car. Her story is amazing. Incredible story.
Same. My mom would be like, you have to save this.
See, that's so mean of this lady. For real?
Did you watch her special? I did. I watched it, too. It was funny, but there was too much applause.
Oh, perfect. Okay. I'll take that one there.
from that spot was so good for me it's progress that she was fired for being a lesbian and then she got fired no one cared about the lesbian thing and then she got fired for being mean that's progress you don't care if you're gay just don't be a dick she's a cunt you are what you eat I had to get that out I guess we're not cunts Mark
That just sucks. Yeah, that's true. Not even a hooker, nothing. Yeah.
It broke. I mean, Joe Coy and Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero and you guys. I mean, Sarah Colonna, Heather McDonald.
You've got to be kidding me.
Oh, that's fun. Which was fun. That's a fun line.
Pull it up. Yeah, that is still on the internet. Chewy. Yeah, he was in- This guy's got a real Forrest Gump-like life.
Or like Elphys. Have his hand on his butt.
I'll find it. He's not just on a... I would do Chewie Bravo.
Wait, I cut you. What were you going to say about Chewie?
But here's the annoying question that I got to bring up because I'm a cunt. This is still funny. The rickshaw thing is funny. What do we do now? Because you can't have this on TV, but we still find it funny. Like Chelsea is still this person, but I know she can't be that person in the public eye. So what do you do now to be funny? Do you just go on the internet?
Yeah, because the audience is still like this kind of humor, but you can't do it on TV anymore. So now what?
But if that's the case, can we stop going, hey, this is immoral. This is inappropriate. You're like, well, if it's going to come back anyways, why waste the time of yelling at everybody?
Yeah. That show sold tickets.
Germany. Germany's weird. At least it's one figure, not nine. You're the best. All right. But yeah, but wow, that's, the Germans are fucked.
You got to be you. Yeah. Damn, that is tough. But I opened for all those people. So selfishly, I loved it because I got to do a full room at Gotham with Sarah Colon. Same. I opened for her once too. Yeah. Nice lady. Great. I hit on her. Did you?
I hit on everybody in the early 2000s. Yeah, I saw her and she was like, not you again. I was like, I'm not Mark Norman. I was like, Judy Gold, what's up?
Let's hang out after.
You know, 50-50. Okay, I'll shoot you a shot.
Well, I think with ladies, it would really depend, because I'm not a hot guy, so it would depend on the set. If I killed, it was a lot easier to hook up. What about with guys? Yeah, you did say with ladies. Oh, well, with guys, they'll just beat me in a bathroom. Guys are easy. You ladies are the ones putting all the roadblocks up.
Yeah. Exactly, exactly. So much work. But guys, yeah, my friend is gay, and he's on the, what is it, the Sniffler? Oh, what's that? Sniffies.
This is quicker than Grindr. It's banging in the bathroom? Meet me in this bathroom or this bar in five minutes, and that's it. Wow.
But what a. But that's, man, if you leave men to their own devices, you get a cum dump app.
And what if you propose? You slide a ring on that dirty index?
Where are you at, honey boo boo?
I don't want to be a party pooper, but I think the lesbian divorce rate is through the roof. Right.
Lesbian bed dad.
Well, Wilson Vince sees me eating an apple. He's like, oh, that's fucking gay. I know.
Oh, I completely agree.
Yeah. And you have stuff to talk. What'd you do?
But you're doing something.
Don't sell toilet seats. Sell toilet paper. There you go. You want to keep the toilet seats last 20 years. Toilet paper. Not the way I use them. Well, you don't say. It's the same with lesbians.
Wow. You fell in. Yeah, I went right through.
Hopefully at the beginning.
Jesus Christ. Damn. Your shit goes out like... It takes like 30 seconds.
How about you try to be sexy and you can't find the straw? That whole thing.
Oh, that's gross.
Pimp my ride for diabetes.
Damn, it's like my grandpa with the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, the drug thing.
That's really fun. That is funny. That's a great friend.
I haven't either. I haven't tried to be sexy, period.
Your kid's like, cocksucker, motherfucker. The worst part, though, is your kids learn to do this with a fat guy. They see some dude on the subway and they're like, no candy. What the hell? The fat guy's like, what the hell, man? I'm obese. It's like you're ruining my day.
He's getting punched by a little kid.
What do they call it? Oh, Star of Death.
No. What are you kidding? No way. This voice already. The whole thing. Me dirty talking.
I was like, thanks for telling me. Yeah.
And my wife likes it, too. And I'm like, ah, don't make me do this. She's like, be mean to me. And I'm like, yeah, you retard. That's your dirty talk? I don't want to be called a retard, I guess. So I thought, yeah, you fucking idiot.
Yeah, it's weird.
Oh, completely. Especially Nate.
I know. And I love that he's so successful because people, they've caught it. They get what he's doing, which is so refreshing.
No, no, he's great. And he's so prolific. It's insane. You mean the amount of- Yeah, it just pumps it out. Like a thing will happen to him and he's got like an eight minute story on it and it's killer. Yeah.
And by the way, clean doesn't just mean cursing. It means there's no racial, there's no sexual innuendo.
Finish the drink, champ. I only need a streetlight and shit red, green, and yellow.
I saw him at Radio City. He had a punchline. He went, golly. And I was on the floor. That was the punchline. But he makes it. He's so good at making it funny. It's really great.
Are you in Nashville?
Oh, you're in Vegas. Whoa.
Whoa. No tax, right?
Oh, I did the coach. Yeah, that's a different guy.
Yeah, that's true.
They really do. They know you're like, this is where they should laugh. Yeah.
And they know if you do a darker joke, they're like, he's not a bad guy. But if it's a new audience and you do a dark joke, they're like. Bad guy. And you're like, no, no, I'm just saying. But they don't know you yet. So you have to like earn that.
He's underrated as a funny guy. So underrated. I was a huge fan as a kid because he was on TV more.
Yeah. No doubt. You're still in LA. Mm-hmm. How's that going? It's good. Can you get up when you want to work on shit?
We like to think we put it on the map. This thing was slept on, this cocktail.
I've seen the specials.
Is that a vest? It's like a bowling shirt.
Sam with a job? I can't believe it. I had no idea you ever worked.
I did the Terminator.
Are you kidding? Yeah. I moved furniture. I was a busboy. I worked on a gopher on a construction site. I did data entry. I did temping.
Oh, I'd like to see it. Just for that one scene. Very realistic.
I don't know. I was a janitor. Yeah. P. Diddy. I did cleanup.
Oh, wow. All right. Ah, geez. All right.
That looks like me when I'm hungover. You guys have any peeves? I got one. What do you got? I was in a restaurant the other night with the wife. We're having a nice romantic dinner. She's pregnant, so I'm trying to really... Oh, I didn't know that.
Seven months. That's exciting. Thank you. It's not mine. Ha! Maury? You don't know me. All right, so we go to this nice dinner, and all the tables are taken. I forgot to make a res. And I go, we'll sit at the bar. So we sit at the bar, we're eating at the bar, and we're chit-chatting. And the bartender walks over this nice lady. She goes, I was eavesdropping.
I got to say this, this, this, and this. And I'm like... what is that? You're just listening to our conversation. Oh, yeah, that's weird. You're spying on us, and then you try to make it a cute thing, like, oh, I was eavesdropping, I can answer that question, and I'm like, well, what else did you hear? You know, the N-word, who knows what?
Of course. Same. Yeah. Or Epstein's plane, by the way. Yep.
I don't know what that's about. I used to be a waiter. And I can answer that.
But it's just because either they're short-staffed and they can't handle that many tables. Okay. Or there's sections.
So this girl's got six tables. I've got five. But you see four empty and people are like, what the hell? And you're like, if I take that table, it'll take me an hour to get to you.
I'd go on a private jet to an island. Hell yeah.
But it's still annoying.
Trying to shit on your peeve.
I heard it's great.
Will and Harper. It's incredible. It's really good. It was so good. Is that a wreck? That's a wreck, baby.
Yeah. Do you get the oil? Maybe they leave the oil in.
Hey, thank you. Cheers. Cheers.
That would be funny if they came up and they're like, we don't hate her. We're more mad about Blades of Glory. Yeah. Semi-pro sucked, but damn, that's crazy. It's very funny.
Talladega Nights was great as well.
It's a lot of misses in that one. Saw him on the street about a month ago on Bleecker Street, and he was full jogging. He had the jogging shorts, the sneakers on, the tank top, and he was just getting astride. I went, Will! And he went... And that was it.
He's tall, curly hair, yeah, big guy.
It's a party favor. Well, here's my thing with the Diddy shit. I got the hallway fist fight with the girl. We got that on video. Everything else is hearsay, speculation, J-Lo and Leonardo and Bieber. I'm like, give me something concrete.
I saw Anchorman in college with friends at the theater. It blew our faces off.
Yes. What was yours? I don't want to cut you off.
I saw American Pie, which is not the funniest movie of all time, but I saw it in a black theater and it was insane. It was like the commentary was killing more than the movie and we were all in for it. You know, like when they showed the pie that was all mangled from fucking it and some black guy yelled, damn, he tore that shit up. And I mean, popcorn flew in the air. Everybody was dying.
It was the funniest thing.
That's a million dollar idea right there. That's brilliant.
Oh, great one.
Yeah. It's similar to comedy. It's a big reaction from the audience. You're on the edge of your seat. I saw Borat in the theater, and when he ran through naked with the fat guy, oh, man, the place went nuts. Yeah. Maybe it'll come back. I don't know. And then you talked about the movie. Remember, after something about Mary was like, you see something about Mary?
How about this scene and that scene when they zipped it up? And, oh, that was crazy. And then Brett Favre showed up at the end.
No, I didn't hear this.
Go back to the old ways where the husband would beat the wife. That was a movie. Oh, we all miss those. Yeah.
Yeah, there you go. He's a UPS driver, and he's bagging this hot Italian broad. There's no percent chance that that's happening. Damn, RIP Jerry Stiller. Come on. RIP Aaliyah Ramini's Scientology career. Ramini. Ramini. Oh, sorry. Ramini.
Is there any other kind? It's greasy and it's dirty. They go both ways. Yeah. All right. I think we got to wrap this thing up.
Whoa. Oh, wow, really?
Yeah, he got ahead of it.
You got that right. Thank you very much. Mamacita. It's all over the road.
Yeah, and Four Stories is a special. I'm going back to the clubs as well to polish this hour. Houston Improv, Dallas Improv, Phoenix Stand-Up Live. Then we're doing the Ryman. That's in Nashville. Great theater. Yeah, I'm excited about that one. One of the best in the world. Hopefully we can sell that out. Then the baby's coming, so I'm taking off.
I'll probably take like two months. Okay. Really get to know that drug rat.
You're a lesbian with the U-Haul. That's right. You're back in the bus. Jew-Haul. Hey. On that note.
Mark's like, let me get this one in. I had to get that Jewel joke in.
That's the type of friend. It's not going to help. It's like voting for Trump in New York. New York's going to go blue. But that doesn't help. He's still going to jail.
Oh, we are rolling. Hey, we might be drunk. Sam's making a drink. Should we do paper planes maybe? Yeah, sure. I didn't want to put you to work here. Can we get a... And hand me that seltzer. Were you there, Matty? What's in here? That's yours. Just a seltzer.
Oh, okay. Interesting. Japan's 30 years behind. They still like baseball. I'm a huge baseball fan. I'm just joking. Well, the Yankee, the World Series over there, they watched it a million times more than we did.
Well, they got Otani.
And how many watched it here? Oh, I think it said 14. So actually, that's not a giant jump.
Same. It's great. Get a beer, a hot dog.
Yeah. Those are huge... With the skates on, too.
I saw UFC Live, and I didn't love that because we had good seats. It was me and Theo. We went to some fight. He knew Poirier. They're like old friends or something. So I was like, you kind of see their feet and their thighs moving, but you can't really get a good grasp. You're behind that cage. I didn't love it. I'd rather watch it at home.
Yeah, yeah. It's like you're watching somebody fuck in their apartment. Wait, don't go behind the pillow. Like rear window. Yeah, yeah. Did someone just get murdered? Right, right.
Yes, yes, exactly. So you're kind of looking up and you miss a lot and then they go to the other side of the cage and you're like, oh, what's happening over there? It's not great.
That is a crazy look. Well, that was back when celebrities met something.
If you had a picture with Michael Jordan. I thought autographs back then meant way more.
Wiig was insane.
Both attractive, too, if you really get down to the- That's my guy right there, Jim Rice. There he is.
Oh, I thought it was a Vietnam football. Golly.
Oh, wow. That kid looks fucked up.
Ruined a hot ticket. That was the funeral.
I'm just worried about your back. Yeah, you looked uncomfortable.
All right, well, you can sit however you want to sit.
Cheesecake factory. What do you got here?
Chick-fil-A is the best.
That's a nice Shake Shack.
Disaronno on the rocks. Yeah.
No, no, don't if you're going on.
You're good. You're good. What do you want of that? I don't know.
You ever go to the Claremont?
There's ugly ones, too. It's some young ugly, but it's all bad. But that's part of the fun.
Ancestors? I walk in there, Grandma? Oh, no.
White, black, Hispanic. One of them smashes a can with her boobs. I think she must have retired by now. That was like 10 years ago. That's true. If she's still there, that is kind of sad. Yeah, she's working the punchline.
The punchline. Yeah, you got to go before you turn 40.
Oh, hey, you fooled me. Look at that. See, they're fun. They're having a good time, these ladies. That's her, Blondie. Shout out Bonnie. Oh, yeah. She's the coolest.
I look fat sitting forward. You're not fooling anybody. Come on. All right. What are we doing? What are we doing? Jesus Christ. I didn't mean it like that. I just mean, come on. Hey, we got Miss Patton out here. That's a hot photo.
It doesn't go soft.
What do you think? Black don't crack?
Yeah. Wow. Hallelujah. I'd like to watch him swing on something. That's 50 cent if you went another way right there.
How many kids do you have now? Four. Oh, wow. Same as last time, apparently. Wow, I didn't know one died. What the fuck? Wow, it's a dangerous world out there.
Yeah. Somebody call Mateo. Get Mateo on the phone. He will confirm this.
He doesn't do it. Who is Mateo? He's our gay consultant.
Why don't we call the daughter? Huh? Well, your daughter can tell us some lesbian info.
Oh, thank you. That's the gay filter of me.
And the Big Dipper, that's gay.
See you later. Constellations, when they come together, is the Big Dipper or Orion's Belt.
We got one on the way. Wife's pregnant. Congratulations. Put that in your pipe and queef on it. Very exciting.
That's true. I had to do it.
It was about cooking.
Yeah, she's been cooking.
Ashley. It's how black she is. That's a dark lady.
I'll send you a video.
Constellation's her girlfriend's name.
Oh, she fucked half the team.
Well, we're here if you need us.
Only if it's the wrong person. Yeah. But. But I got to tell you, she was on the IUD, got that puppy removed, pregnant a week later. So I got some real super sperm here.
You guys have a great relationship.
Everyone eats pussy except the black men.
That's not what I read.
I'm on black Twitter. You're not on black Twitter. You know who eats the cat is the Haitians. You gotta find this clip of this white guy. I think he's
Oh, maybe. He's all over Def Jam.
I think it's O-N. No S. But I could be wrong. Black people add an S to things. Have you noticed that? They what? You guys add an S. No, this isn't it.
I forget it. My moms.
I guess that's about it. Valentine's Day. Yeah. That's an M. Groundhog's Day. I'll point out some more when I think of them.
Just hanging out in the world. He's been reading.
Oh, I loved it. But in that pee hole? It pricks you on you a little bit. Pricks the pee hole. That's true. It's not fun. You know.
You see? Sometimes you take the S away. You go, I'm going to sleep. Whereas a white guy would say, I'm going to sleep. You guys take out the two. Or you stay here. You stay at this house. White guy will say, I'm staying at this house. That's just... Slang?
Yeah, yeah. I'm just pointing it out.
Yeah, I mean, I grew up in a black neighborhood, went to public school, try to treat everyone equally.
I went to private school. There were black kids there.
Public school until ninth grade.
Whoa, old school. Nice job, Pam.
Hmm. Well, school sucks.
Man, that's a mic drop.
What is your daughter doing now?
That one. The Gariel. Is that it?
She sounds. She's a gifted writer.
I want to see some white guys out in the yard.
You'd be surprised. Somebody shot some ragu all in you. Make those kids goo. Jew. There we go. We're both chopped up, circumcised. Yeah.
so they gave us but took away that's crazy yeah so we like we love we love pushing the envelope like that on the me it's also a different you're insulting a different group also japanese and chinese yeah well they're all chinese it always feels like a lateral move you know right like from like homeless to unhoused is especially i completely very lateral colored people people of color what's really the difference there
Well, I'm just saying it's just to change the order. Well, we don't call ourselves colors of people either. People of colors either. I don't say that anyway.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Oh, yeah, that's out there.
Oh, shit. That's his ancestors.
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Well, that's body shaming. What about all the anteaters out there watching?
What'd you say? There we go. Cash lap. Well, when I was a kid, we'd say rice rocket for a fast Asian car. Like, it's a nice rice rocket. But we liked them.
Like a fast Honda, Toyota, you know, like a hot rod.
What else was out there? Bulldyke, you said. I recently heard coal burner.
Whoa, that's heavy. Yeah. You asked what racist that I knew, so. We'd say Oreo if a black guy, wait, black guy acted white. Remember Oreo? He's white on the inside. That was around. Then you get reverse Oreo. Yeah. The white guy who acted black. Right. Yeah, did the white slaves need their own N-word? Did you give them something?
i could use the blink but my buddy got circumcised at 33 because it was getting all i don't think so who is it this guy raj indian guy damn yeah he was indian huh i don't know about that but most indians don't names in here you
Damn, I want to work there.
What's peeves? Pet peeves. You got any peeves?
This is the bathroom. True. That's fair. Where else are you going to do it? On her face? The toilet's appropriate.
yeah some people like it in the face oh really yeah yeah like the cake fart videos ever seen those pull them up those are weird no i don't do shit like that i won the one that's kind of i've heard a couple what do you have mark you have better peeves uh oh shit i just had one and i lost it the cake fart threw me off sorry about that no no no see what i got i feel bad because i don't feel like i prepped anybody on the i realized i don't like sweaty people
I always wonder who does that.
No, but he did it later in life just because of the hygiene. Yeah, it was getting all mushy.
Not men and women. Ass, no ass.
Well, he is now. Oh! He opened the door on him. What a dick. He came in the bottom. You got to go out the bottom.
Wow. He's lucky he didn't roll up on... Him shaming him.
You got to clean out the garage every now and then.
We got some new merch.
It's a sweet kid. Innocent.
Oh, yeah. He couldn't bang for two months, but he's ugly anyway. Two months is pretty bad.
She's got to go to the bathroom stall, the rando, at LaGuardia.
Touch of the tism. Man, that is quite a rock you got on you, sister. Look at that.
There we go. We got a new episode.
Well, it was just getting infected.
Let's do that episode.
Wow, he's got to give his mom pills. He's like a little Pez dispenser.
Oh, I thought that was all natural. It is.
Hey, look at old Prego there. He's coming back on soon. That's right. That's right. We'll get the kid in there and get him right in my mouth.
All right. You turned and looked at me. All right. We're making progress.
You think so? Yeah, something's up.
I don't think you have autism.
Trying to get away with that N-word. He does not have autism.
Well, it's a good catch-all. If I do something fucked up, I go, autism, you know? Then I save.
No. Say something fucked up. I'm autistic. Don't rape me. They're like, oh, easy target. Who went to jail? Oh, yeah, Pete Diddy went to jail.
Yeah, let's put it on eBay.
It just shows that parties were huge.
Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.
What if we got you some of those beads to lean on?
He buys animal crackers too.
Well, it doesn't help that he has three AR-15.
I think it's the combination.
Oh, yeah. I think if you go over state lines or something.
I guess it's consensual.
Might be assault or misconduct. I don't know about rage.
Yeah, if only he didn't commit all those crimes. Yeah.
Ah, big knobs. What are you working with, a G? Double G?
Yeah. Let's see if he makes it in prison.
Oh, hey, we could put out an album.
Would I buy it? Hell yeah. R. Kelly already put one out, actually.
Yeah, that's why I'm supporting trans boxing.
I just tried to put a button on that somehow. You guys see the Olympics? Yeah, we saw the Olympics. All right.
We got Birmingham, Alabama at the Lyric.
Pabst Theater. Great room.
Oh, no. We'll post about it.
Nice. That's a big one. What about View More?
Yeah, you got that right, sister. It's not easy. You want to lay back? You want to sit back?
Whatever's the funniest, go with that. Right, exactly. That's great.
I'm going to watch that very soon. That's exciting.
Hey, I'm all over the road. Hey, you ever been to Bulldogs, by the way, in Atlanta? I think he's gay, yeah. Oh, that's a great question.
Oh! God, what a story.
Wow, that's incredible. Wow.
Tune into the end, folks. And I think you just outed your brother in public. I don't know if that was out there.
All right. He's at Bulldogs. He's out and loving every minute of it. Hey, I'm in Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland as well, and Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater, Poughkeepsie, Torrington, Connecticut, Charleston, Asheville, NOLA. Wilkes-Barre, and Inglewood. Thanks, guys. Get some Bodega Cat. Thank you. Bodega Cat Whiskey, folks.
Thank you, guys. We might be drunk. Miss Pat. Rosebud. Check them out on the road. We'll see you all in hell. Watch their stuff. Bye. Bye.
It's too bad dicks don't do that. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to gain weight and you gain dick? Yeah. But if you lose weight, you lose dick.
Because you got less buffer.
Lean back. I'm worried about you. What, are you worried about your posture here? You've been church-pewing it all night.
But I think it's because you're banging up against it, but your belly is hitting before the dick. See what I'm saying? Or can you rest the gut on the back? Like a shelf.
Okay. Men gain one inch of penis length for every 30, 50 pounds they lose. Wow, who wrote that, huh?
Oh, sorry. You're not a head turner. Yeah, no, I didn't know which one of those. There we go. I'm talking to you. Am I a small man? You the same as you always been. I haven't gained a pound since high school. So yeah, my dick is still three inches, if that's what you're asking.
But they say that women only feel the first two and a half inches into the vaginal canal.
I feel it. We got the A.C. cooking.
Right. That's in my charter.
I definitely won't go doggy. We're going full missionary. That way I don't have any ass to penetrate.
you know the traditional you are me man on top we can reenact it no we the fuck we cannot it's good photo op though that would be nice thumbnail for the episode i wouldn't mind getting a face full of h's no that's okay all right all right and then i can do no little curly hair white boy
I'm hot. We'll get you a jacket. You want a blanket? No, I don't want a blanket. It's going to make me look bigger. You want a drink? Should we do a drink? What are we doing? We got her a Diet Coke. She's off the sauce. She's pregnant. Oh, really?
Chocolate milk on tap.
Yeah, any tips on child rearing? Child rearing. You know, raising kids.
Yeah. Yeah. Hey, four kids, one new kid. Yeah. Baby on the way. Baron.
Oh, sorry. I just assume you guys are all related.
You mean that? Clicking? What are you talking about?
Man in the Boat's good. Panic Button.
Hopefully one of your tits didn't hit the scale. You're gonna miss way. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm just saying if you're weighing out the crack, I assume you were dealing crack.
All right, Yamanika, take it easy. No, the fuck you did.
I'm a big light-skinned bitch. All right. It's good to see you again. Did you C-sect?
Oh, so your body's intact. You got the tits and the clam.
Really? A lightweight, huh? I wish I was lightweight. Are you drinking or are we going? I'll have one. If you want to do one, I'll have one.
That guy from the sitcom saying that shit is crazy. To watch a man collapse, though, is kind of beautiful on stage.
Put him in a place that no one lives and nobody goes. CISO put us in Covina. That is too inside. Yeah, that's very inside baseball. That's inside LA and inside baseball.
They devour the content. It's like you can't fill that hole.
I think longer, like these guys, Josh Johnson types are doing like 25 minutes.
Well, I did an audition.
I did a self tape and it says in the notes, don't try to be funny. Yeah. Which is the hardest note. Not saying we can't not be funny, but you're like, well, how do I do it? Do I do it straight? Do I do it? Yeah.
Yeah, but you were funny.
Exactly. Is that bad? It was just nobody goes down here. Tim Dillon said this is the fifth time he's been downtown Los Angeles and he's lived here for years. Well, no, he comes for different reasons.
I know. I completely agree.
I know. And it was Josh Radninsky, though. You remember him? He got Young Larry. Oh, yeah. John Radninsky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was good. He's a good actor. Should have been you, man. Then he dated his daughter. Zing! Oh, yeah. They just broke up. Sorry, Josh. John. John. Josh is even better. Sorry, Josh. Sorry, Josh. He looks like a Josh. He's Jewish.
Maybe I'll take a hawk to a quiz. She just found out she was 97% Ashkenaz. Seriously? Yeah.
That Huck duo is phlegm after all. All right. Okay.
I have a little.
Yeah, it's a virtual thing.
And there's a swing back. Now baseball cards are huge again.
Only the really big ones.
I tweeted about the show. Like, come to the Netflix table. And everybody's like, downtown? Are you crazy?
Take nine hours. I see it just trekking along. It's so slow.
Yeah. And also, you just want to push it over. It's probably like a chicken parm in there.
Yeah, that's why we're here.
Four floors of horrors. Brownstone and BK, baby. You're in Brooklyn? Yeah.
I was right in Greenwich Village, but I wanted the room. I got a backyard now. I got a parking space. Upgrade, upgrade, upgrade. The kids are trick-or-treating on my block. I mean, it's a cheat code. I'm in New York, but I'm not.
Yeah, he's got a terrace. He's got a sauna.
We'll see you on the way down.
We'll all be living in a studio apartment together in the East Village in a couple of years. Can't wait. We'll be sharing. Those are some good years. You know, fucking a fat chick on air matches while your friend waits in the bathroom.
You go, I'll sleep on the plane.
Not a wink because you know you have to sleep. It's like getting a boner when you need one.
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Because I'm like falling through this thing. Oh, yeah, you got no back. Hold on. You're going to pull an Eric Clapton's kid right out the window. Tears in heaven?
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There's the mothership and then there's the I never had a fathership. All right.
The store is pretty great. I mean, you go in there, you get free weed, you get free snacks, and there's a massage table. That's so LA.
New York would never have a massage table at the fucking... That was the most LA shit I've ever seen.
Got to suck that liquid. How about this? We're growing up. You came here at 11 a.m. I wouldn't do anything at 11 a.m. four years ago.
It made him bet he's got a 30-minute chunk on it, and it's insane.
Damn, I wish I was there. He's still the best. You see Rock's SNL was pretty great.
That's all we watch.
Sailor would go on to do Pickle Arm.
What about the drinking nights?
You're farting in a hotel? In a hotel? Who does that?
You wear pajamas at the airport? Aren't you embarrassed?
It's drafty in here.
That is so scary to me.
I was like, man, I want to go get coffee in a scone. Good to move out of the way because you get the nuts in the face. You start falling down.
It looks like him.
Big balls. Huge balls. Huge balls.
Yeah, that's true.
No, mine are down to the floor. I got the long bag. You got a long bag. It's bad.
Women like a tight bag.
Well, you see Zuckerberg. He's wearing flip-flops and board shorts because he's like, I'm so rich. I'm good. He doesn't need the attention. Exactly.
So did I. They're all going to laugh at you.
Yes. I listened to all those songs.
no that sounds bad no no hold on hold on let me sit with that for a second no white no white kid like you're not white but no like goy or gentile yeah he's white we didn't know about hanukkah that song put hanukkah on the map i didn't know anything about i'm from louisiana louisiana yeah they're not and jews aren't allowed down there that's true that's true welcome no jews welcome everybody but jews no i grew up in chicago we we we had a lot of jews jews was
It's brutal. A little wag, like a chop tail. It is nice that your body's like, hey, we're going to protect your dick in this time of trauma. Dude, your balls go way up.
And a list of all the Jews, and you're like, Paul Dune's half? Hey, all right.
You gotta fight for your right to Kvetch. Okay. That was a long way to go.
They go in your body, yeah.
It's kind of like when your kid gets molested and he blocks it out. Repressed memory.
I agree. I don't like what they bring. Like that's not even, she's an afterthought now. So imagine you just had her and now it's all over.
No, I don't think so. I had a lot of intruders in the house.
At least Theo, he's got some cocaine jokes with Trump. That was fun. That was super fun. At least he kept it funny.
Did you ever struggle, dude?
How about that Shalamu on Theo, huh? That's quite a get. What happened? He got Timothee Shalamu. Oh, yeah. Tim Shalamy.
He really is.
Chalamet. I mean, he's getting A-listers.
I think there was a guy at my house once and like walked by my bed and I pushed it out because I dream about that all the time.
That's your people. You and Mount Sinai. The Kaisers.
It's got ups and downs.
The first one was a woman. First school shooting in America was a woman.
Yeah, exactly. She's the Jackie Robinson of shooting kids.
Well, we can't have that.
Isn't it weird when you get along with a woman? They're like, I don't want a woman president.
No, no. I mean, anything you have to sign in for, like with a password, I just blank out.
Whoa, because Canada, you go there, I'm on the road, they don't have Pandora.
They're struggling too, these streamers. They're all shelling out money for this movie, that movie, then no one watches it. We are in downtown LA. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's good for New Orleans. That's huge.
Shows how cocky Gaffigan is. He's like, I'll go first. Fuck it.
Oh, I love behind-the-scenes Gaff.
Flick my nuts.
Something falls out. See the gold bond.
Not every day, but I'll get a little swampy, so I throw some real... Do you bring it on the road?
It's bad. I'm bad. It's all Hunter Biden powder. It's real bad down here.
All right, we're good.
He's in Georgia.
They open and close.
I go back to the South for three days. I'm like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. It's so slow and hot. I get that. Well, that's the South-South, though.
Like can't even drop Kalilah.
And it moves faster.
Maybe I should go. Jeff Ross, it's a fun hang.
Just did it. What a room.
I'm putting Minneapolis in the top 10 comedy cities. No one talks about it.
He peed himself. I did that at an R. Kelly show.
All right. Well, hey, where are you? You got a special coming out?
Hell yeah. And check out Bad Friends, of course.
Always. Thank you, boys. Thank you, Andrew. Thank you, dude. Comedy. All right.
Santino's the man.
Great stuff. And where are you going to be?
Right now, I'm in Houston, Texas, then Phoenix, then Addison Improv in Dallas.
Great little run of the South. And then I'm going to Asheville to make up a date because of the hurricane. Asheville, North Carolina. Love that town. And then ending it all in the Ryman, baby.
One of the best in Nashville. Can't wait. And then I'm going back to Europe and Australia at some point.
It kills you.
Yeah. Just one. Enough with the jizz stains.
But yeah, get some better pillows. Hit up Mike Lindell, whatever his name is.
To be continued.
I hate that. And it's never big. It's always like, oh, I'm getting divorced. Actually, that would actually be pretty exciting. But it's not big for us. Yeah, right. All right. We'll see you all in hell. See you later.
Yeah, during Katrina there were bodies floating. Wow. It's a voodoo.
Andrew Jackson and Paul Perdomo and Emeril was in there, I think. Emeril Lagasse? He's gone? No, he's still around. He will be. Yeah. I mean, that cholesterol is coming.
Oh, that's good. There's nothing there. Wow. It's like a stable stripper. I don't like it.
Watch it, dude.
It's a little amateur, but the hangover is better. For vodka? Yeah, clear is better.
By the way, Chatty Hooker, they should have the Uber thing where they go, do you want a conversation or no? That should be a prereq.
Wow, that's right.
I do the digital face at the airport now. It's pretty great. I couldn't give it up, dude. I know. I'm so lazy.
Well, they got your retina now.
I know. Don't get the idea. We had that last night.
It's going to be good because you guys are in it. Thanks. We'll see. Yeah, no, it will be. It's got to be. It's not live. Is it live? Live crowd, taped, edited.
T-Ray show at Improv.
I think it was called Sickle Cell.
It was something crazy.
So we had a rough bomb and I'm walking off stage and this black guy's with his wife and he goes, dude, dude, you're in a show, right? You're in a show. And I jokingly said, to catch a predator. He goes, that's it.
We had a similar thing. We walked in. The guy goes, it's going to be late. Like, you're going to be here a while.
Well, nobody stays down. They put us here.
I guess a guy whipped out a Nokia or something. I know.
like just net fishing good enough yeah it was like you got the job done like i didn't realize until i saw you i was like oh shit that's a comedian i knew you're a comedian i want to try to bark a comedian in right but i by the time i said i was like ah shit might as well stay committed to it like keenan's cut off Oh, shit.
I saw Alec Baldwin's back on the show now, which is, like, that's kind of cool.
It really is. Do you still get tense? Because I heard Bill Hader once in an interview be like, I had to leave because it just made me insane. But the pressure every week is because, you know, Mark and I will hone a bit for like a year and a half. Yeah, 100 percent.
No sleep. Watched a movie that I was telling you about it. This weird British movie, The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover. I'm just scrolling on Amazon and they got this movie and I'm like, oh, this looks weird. Never heard of it. Tim Roth, Michael Gambon and Helen Mirren. I look it up. It's got crazy good reviews. Wow. It was NC-17. Whoa. They threatened it with a rated X. Whoa.
yeah that's all you can do anytime comedians start to like really try to dissect the middle east it's like dude go make it a dick joke do the joke yeah that's find it and and do that but i saw people even like i saw the bit and it was funny and i saw people commenting even on like like yeah homosexuality and it's like no he's not trying to really break down the middle east it's still a bit it's still a joke right
And look at that crowd. But it's funny. Larry's another funny one, because obviously we all know how...
much of a genius he is but like sam wasn't douglas but yeah but snl wasn't like his breaking ground somebody's right it's a lot yeah but like same with sandler even sandler made the joke when he came back like you know norm's got one of the all-time great monologues i think look at little john higgins Oh, jeez.
That's crazy. Holy shit. That's wild.
Because it's crazy sexual. Yeah. It's weird as fuck. It looks gorgeous. Yeah. I mean, look at these colors. It's like Kubrick almost. Yeah. It's dark. It's crazy because there's like literally Helen Mirren's Bush in every other scene. And all you think about is the violence. So anyone who complains about the nudity is like a psycho. But it does open on a scene where I'm like, yeah, I'm shocked.
Sean Connery being... This was a weird part of Connery's career when he did, like, Finding Forrester.
Yeah, Michael Douglas. Oh, throat cancer. Man. Wow. Doing it the right way. That's top shelf. Getting that cancer the right way. He got the good stuff.
Did anyone help you out? Were any of the vets there? Like, dude, just, like, be patient?
Like, they're not really appreciated. Like, it is crazy to look back and you're like, oh man, it was like Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig. Crazy.
This guy's a piece of shit in it. Whoa, man. It's pretty dark. I'm in. Yeah, it's pretty weird. And it opens with they're torturing a guy.
dick out covering him in shit and you're like so i guess this is the bad guy who's torturing him you know whoa yeah like look at this stuff but it looks cool as hell yeah but yeah i mean i guess in america this is so classic america it's uh they they were like fuck this it's it's pornographic and then in england they were like this is a social satire they were mad because it was like making fun of
Was that the most highly anticipated one when he came back and hosted, do you think?
He's funny in Tropic Thunder. Oh, that's true. He killed that role.
Is it a thing of that era, maybe, if you're too A-list and considered almost too cool? It's almost too vulnerable? He comes from that era, yeah.
He is the man. That's so funny. Your search history is going to be great.
According to Angelica Houston.
And I don't think it ended on good terms with them, so she meant this. It never does.
Yeah, but that does get rough when you're, like, late 80s and you're not with someone. If you're Nicholson, settle down, like, late 60s, early 70s. Does he have kids? He's got kids. Oh, he does. But I don't think he's with anyone. Yeah. Yeah, his kid's in a new movie. He looks just like him.
Yeah, what the hell am I doing trying to tell Nicholson how to live his life? I should shut the fuck up.
Somebody's pattering that thing.
Oh, interesting. They thought it was mocking the government. Wow. So I guess, yeah, it's layered and weird. Look, there's parts that aren't exactly for me, but...
true he's got money in the bank you know anytime there's a new batman thing i think he gets he does he made the best deal in the business crazy what is he you got a merch deal when he was joker it was like what i don't know what the exact deal was but it was like yeah i think merch action figures all that shit incredible yeah the vhs sales 10 10 million up front mm-hmm
Right? Is there any movies you've had to turn down because of SNL? That you're like, shit, I wish I did that, kind of?
Because you don't have any fucking blinds.
Amazing. Oh, look at that. Ben Vereen. It's like everybody in that movie. Yeah, Ben Vereen. What do you do when you're off SNL? Do you have any things you're just like, you don't do anything or do you just chill or do you have hobbies or what?
Yeah, exactly. You got to start going backwards.
All right. I saw some interview with you where you said, and I could be getting this wrong, but a manager fucked you over when you were super young. An accountant. An accountant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Were you, when they took this money from you or when this guy took this money from you, I mean, what was your reaction? Were you just like, fuck this business, fuck everything? Or were you kind of like, eh?
Well, this is a 14-year-old. This is it. Some dicey stuff. Yeah. No, this is pretty wild. Her tits are underrated, by the way. Oh, she looks great. It's also weird because you see like a nude Helen Mirren and you're like, oh, that's just like a naked woman. Yes. But now it's like every part of the like, you know, Brazilian butt lift. Yeah, tattoos. Fake tits. Yeah. Six pack.
Yeah, there's police and shit in the world. He went back on tour in his, like, 70s. Yeah. The manager stole his retirement fund. Yikes. It's just crazy.
She just looks good naked. Pull her up. Big bush, too. Like, holy shit. That's how you can date a movie right there. Yeah. Like late 80s. That's true. Now it's like.
Yeah, we've been out there for a while. Yeah, what do you get recognized? I mean, SNL is the main thing, but is there a movie you get recognized for the most? I feel like Good Burger's up there. Yeah.
Jesus Christ. You just bang these out, you make all this money, and you probably get a whole year's worth done. My man, he does it in two weeks.
I love that we're praising her being a natural beauty. She must have done some shit, but- Probably, but- But she looks great. Great. It looks more natural.
Printing money. Yeah. When you did LeVar Ball, was that your idea to do right?
And it's Keith Lee. Shout out to Keith Lee, man. It's shameful that we all recognize these.
I'm not going to lie, y'all.
It's so good. I used to have a bit about one of these. I had a bit about one of these guys, and I ran into one of the food guys, and he's like, you have a bit shitting on one of my friends. Oh. Yeah.
but i'm like but it's playfully shitting because i i do know it yes like i watch it you see this the the boom guys like we all know it's crazy that this is all like you think you have this for you algorithm but then it's just we all see this everybody the exact same shit the fact that these are popping up in my feet like it's real that is so funny
When you're doing these characters, are you able to do them? Do you have to find something you like about them to mock them? Are you able to do it if you don't actually like the person you're impersonating?
There's a theory that sunlight keeps you up when you're trying to sleep?
Thank God I got a comedy corner. Oh, you got to do it. There's a lot of family corners, and I was like, I got List, I got Broussard, I got... Yeah, that's why... Who else was in my corner?
You got to exaggerate it a little.
Come on. You got to make a choice, too. Yeah. It's like a caricature. You see some of these caricatures in the New Yorker or something, and you see someone's nose. Yeah. Yeah, but the guy had to make a choice.
I was like, what the hell are you doing?
You were playing soccer and tackling kids. I was like, what the fuck is Mark doing? And I was like, I put it together.
I realized you didn't want to talk to people.
Oh, Attell used to say all his sketches when he was a writer were like a guy walks into a room, there's a microphone, you know?
But part of me was like, he's going to be a good dad.
Yeah, I mean, a lot of the best stand-ups, I think, from SNL were the Weekend Update guys, like Kevin Neelans, Norm MacDonald. Dennis Miller.
Heartbreaking. Yeah. Brooks was here. Yeah. When you're watching movies and stuff in your free time, is it comedy or do you shift to drama?
We just watched Road Trip last year.
In the moment, did you think, like, we're making a mistake by firing him in that moment? No.
No, no, but that's- But then they come up with a kiss afterwards. You're like, damn it, I deserve this. Yeah.
I've talked about it before, but there was a list on CNN of people who have been canceled this year. And it was Weinstein, Cosby, and Shane.
How is he on the same level as those guys? Pretty unfair, yeah. Wow. Shane's not nearly as funny as Cosby. Come on. Shane is great. No, it was really unfair what they did to him. Yeah, that was ugly.
yeah and and the fact that it seemed like he and bowen yang squashed the beef yeah that's what i'm saying like if there was even any beef i don't even know if there was right go bay beef you know but yeah no that was a cool moment and i mean that's a stand-up who crushed on it too but shane is definitely like not your traditional stand-up and he had he'd made those sketches that
Do you have an all time favorite host when you've been there?
Yeah. Yeah, no, it is funny to overhear them because you're like, yeah, you know just as little as we do. Yeah, yeah, it's like- The swirl. Yeah, okay. The fuck's a swirl? I mean, maybe, I'm sure it feels good, but it's not like- I guess. Guess what? Although, have you ever gotten a really bad blowjob? Yes. It's shocking. It's like you fucking – you got your mouth on my dick and this is bad?
Yeah. That's real, like, I'm an actor shit. What was the most uncomfortable episode with the host you had?
full career derail oh damn yeah it is crazy because when you go out there like mark and i used to joke about this you know you have a bad late night set when we were starting out you know yeah like another show tomorrow it's all right no one not enough people watch this shit anymore but people still really watch oh yeah and that went around I guess if you really fail.
Mark Maron used to always say like, if I have a killer special, no one gives a shit. If I pee my pants up here, it's going viral.
Oh, good point. How are you fucking bad at this?
Mm-hmm. Damn. Has she hosted while you've been there, Streep?
I know what you mean, dude. Like, the bad blowjob is, it is a shocker.
I thought she was. Is she married? I don't know.
boy imagine getting double teamed by those by uh short and martin that's not not too shabby just ribbing each other the whole time yeah strangers in the pussy um we gotta ask you because you've been famous for a long time any any diddy party invites i've never been invited to the diddy parties man there you go i always felt some sort of way about that shit i'm just kidding
You're like, no, come on. That's what the dick responds to, freezing cold temperatures.
Yeah. At least the Diddy's parties, these, you know, victims might've got to meet Jay-Z or something. This is, this is way worse.
Miscavige, whatever his name is?
You got Nancy Cartwright from The Simpsons? Is that Marge or Lisa? Which one is that? Doug E. Fresh. That's Bart? That's Bart.
L. Ron Hobart. He's just a dude. I know. I guess you could say the same thing about Jesus, but he's not really.
I was with you until you said white basketball in the 50s. That wasn't exactly peak basketball.
Exactly. But also, the weird thing is you're doing stand-up first. Yeah. Like, we're doing the road. We get a little warm-up.
And also that it's live. The fact that we've been there, too. Someone had a live audience, like, knowing they're being taped. Yeah. Like we're the taping. We do those shows sometimes where you're like.
Dude, I love, yeah, I love when you get a bad one, you're like, how is this fucking possible? I know, it's crazy. But it's happened. It's happened. But then sometimes you get someone who's so good that you're just like, where the fuck have you been studying? I know. Where did you pick up this level? Sometimes you want to assume it's just a gift. Yes. But you're like, 247. Yeah.
Yeah, man. What an awful note to send the show on if you don't crush that monologue. Because that's your fastball.
Is it ever a fight with, you know, I don't know if it's S&P or whatever, but is it ever a fight, you know, whether it be like Louis or Burr or Shane, any of these, Chappelle, when they do the monologue, is there ever pushback where they're like, you got to let me say this line?
Well, we don't want to keep you because we know you got to pick up your kid. Yeah.
Thanks for coming by, man. My pleasure, man. It's great.
Hell yeah. Come by at night sometime. We'll have a drink.
Just give me two or three takes to get it right. Yeah, dude, we're excited. I mean, hopefully you're on SNL as long as you can do it, man. You're crushing. Thank you, man. Hell yeah. I wish you were my dad. It's good times. Ah, great up with Kenan. Catch us on the road. I'll be at Hilarity's November 21st through 23rd in Cleveland. Then I got a big bus tour starting in February.
So we got Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, Washington, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, Memphis. Memphis could use a fucking bump. Jesus Christ, Memphis, help me out. Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta. I could go on forever, but it's samorell.com slash shows. Yeah, you guys see it there. It's going on the West Coast. I'm all over. I'm probably coming to your city.
So just go to the website, punchup.live slash samorell or samorell.com slash shows. Buy tickets from those places. Don't hit us up like tickets are $150. Not through our sites, they're not. Mark, where are you going to be, bud?
He's done it that many times. Something crazy.
We're bad. Well, we're really in sync this episode.
peripheral yes sit down we got you right here yeah this is winnie blind yes one eye i think she's pretty blind oh yeah you want coffee alcohol we get whatever you want let us know
It was like a street dog. He's a street dog from probably not a good part of L.A. Classic South Central.
I know, right? Is this crazy? Like, do you have the week off and then you're back on next week? Seeing my teacher at the mall. Yeah.
So you're off this week, but you're back on next week, or what? Yes.
It's funny that you block out your thoughts with pods. You're blocking your thoughts out with other people's thoughts. Oh, completely. Yeah, but usually I would do something even more escapist, like a movie or something. Yeah. I can't do pods, unless it's certain pods.
He did Night Shift back in the day. He did all the ladies' comedies, too.
Yeah, he's a solid... I did Mikey Day's Is It Cake show, and I was like, I don't think they aired any jokes. It was a family show. He was awesome, though.
What? He went from Nick Cannon to Hamilton? Yeah. Holy.
That's what you call arcing. Oh, yeah. That's cool. You've been on it for so long. Who was considered the worst host? Wasn't Paris Hilton trash for it?
Yeah, so you're not, is the wife sleeping?
That's even more annoying. I know. Because you want to flick her ear, and you're like, oh, you're up too? You don't want to be alone. I know those moments. Yeah. I'm the last one to sleep always, too.
Yeah. Damn, that's awesome. I met you when I was handing out flyers once on the street in Times Square. No way. It must have been like 18 years ago or something. And you were one of the only people to stop and be nice to me. See there? Thank you, man. And I was like, that's a good... I think I was like, comedy show tonight. And I was like, you should come by. And you were like... Maybe I will.
You didn't come, but just you stopping and giving me that.
But that's actually better than when you'd have to do it in a non-busy section.
You just want the distraction of a lot of people as opposed to just another block of person to block away.
Yeah. But now I did it through clear and you can just do it at the airport.
We all go to Alan?
You waited it out. I waited it out, but it took like years.
Yeah, it gets better every day. But the first three months are so brutal. And they always make it like it's so hard, but it's harder than you think it is.
It doesn't make sense.
Yeah. And then you're by yourself a lot, I feel like.
Because we switch off. So we're never in the same room together.
You get nothing out of it.
It's worse than bombing. Because it's like, it actually hurts your feelings.
Like I would start taking it personally as if like maybe there's something deep down inside he knows about me. Right. Like he's rejecting me right now.
Yeah, he's like a few, two months behind us.
But it is a game changer.
I love this fucking thing. It's a game changer.
and he jogs over jogs he crawls over and stuff now you can get him to laugh which feels good he laughs real hard he smiles and then now he like goes to bed on me like he's like that stuff is that's nice and you feel like um yeah but i do there is a time where i felt like it felt like you're an emcee of a show that never ends that you constantly have to keep bringing the energy because you can't
be like rest your face like you have to be like excited you know what i mean right give him emotion emotion you're fuqua yeah you're already you're going long yeah yeah i'm dancing picking up the purse i'm trying to entertain him the whole time i'm trying to figure out what toys he likes it's just like it makes me want to smoke a cigarette every now and then
You keep pushing them out until they, it's a numbers game.
Well, like you separate from him and then you just look at photos of your friend and Do you know what I mean? I don't do that for any other friend, but then when I go to bed, I'm just looking at photos of my baby.
But you're like, he's so fucking cute.
But I get it. I don't want to talk about it.
You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to be the party bummer.
What about... We just watch it all the time.
Like Goodfellas and then Manchester by the Sea.
I don't think Joe's going to strip clubs.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think his eyes are pretty.
Even that one, I'm like, that one's cute. That's normal looking.
The second death.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's all right. That's unfair.
They cute out more.
But I always feel like our baby looks like an old banker.
Like a president head.
He's got a huge Kennedy head.
But I have seen ugly babies.
Mom goes... No, that one's cute.
That one will cute out. See, I feel like our kid looks like that one next to the grown man baby.
Like, has that kind of look. Old man look.
I just feel like there's so many weirdos in that world that I just, even as an adult, there's weirdos.
I just like watch that Nickelodeon doc and you're like, they're just pedophiles all over. Like you hate being like such right wing talking point of like QAnon, but you're like, there are just too many weirdos out there.
Yeah. I thought it was weird when Facebook started coming out. I would see my friend. She wasn't really in my circle of friends, but my graduating class was 900, but I knew her through soccer. And I saw her two boys just riding bikes around our neighborhood. And I was like, it's so weird that I know their name and they know nothing about me. But I could just be like, oh, blah, blah, blah.
Get in the car. Your mom, Julie, said, yeah. I didn't think about that. Like, I know all this information about her. That's why I was like, I just think that's weird when you put your kids. You put so much information.
What your dad masturbates to because I listen to all of his podcasts. Right, right.
That's going to be a real... We have talked about that, like, soccer games, and they're like... Yeah, we've heard Joe's podcast.
Well, I attempted a job years ago at this financial firm. It was really nice. And this guy was like... Hey, I heard you on Ari's podcast and I was so mortified that this guy that I was like this business that was proper that heard me on that podcast. But if he listens to Ari's podcast, he's probably okay.
Totally. But at the same time, you're like, I don't want to discuss what I talked about. Yeah. On the podcast.
Well, we had that one. My sister was like, I bought tickets for Joe's show and bring mom with, and we had to put a kibosh on that.
Because I was like, you can't hear Joe be like, come on your mom's tits.
You know, like you're saying.
She's not going to get it. And also she's like... She doesn't even get what I... I think she thinks I'm a sex worker.
Dinner afterwards. Yeah.
I dropped the C word around people that weren't comics thinking. Yeah. You know, I just throw it out willy-nilly and they were, like, offended. Oh.
It is. Like, they made me feel bad. Yeah. I was just like, but it's not that big of a deal. I was just kind of like, can we just pretend I'm in England?
I don't get offended whatsoever.
They're just like made in a lab.
Right. This is the oldest sounding you've ever been. Who knows what these kids are doing out there? Jive turkey.
So silly that it's not so offensive, but I remember like Two Life Crew. Oh, filthy. Their songs would be like, bitch thought I was coming in her mouth, but I was just peeing where I feel like.
Dude, disrespectful. But like, how do you hang out with your girlfriend's parents after you have that lyric? But I'm sure that's not their concern.
It's public. I get annoyed when I have family members or people in my life tell me that where I'm like, you could just keep that to yourself.
Oh, it's more fun to be outrageous.
I was going to piss in her mouth. Imagine farting on Yamanika.
Did you get rewarded?
It's so funny, there's people that actually cannot stand farting.
But it's so worth it.
It's just like your poo particles everywhere. Yeah, I was naked too. Well, and...
He probably is there.
Or it's like the people that drive around looking for a parking spot. So they spend like 30 minutes when you could just park in the back and then five minutes to walk.
But Chick-fil-A's line's pretty good.
Yeah, it moves really quick.
I think that there's a slight anxiety with something like that.
Yeah. I'm not going to leave you. I just always feel like there's nothing important inside for me. You get a soda.
I could probably drive in a car for days.
I get that way with entering a show, going on stage. I feel like I have to be close to the stage. I don't know what. I'm not one of those people that's still getting out of their car while being introduced. I can't.
I can't have that.
I've got to be in on it, but I guess that's the butt.
It takes forever to get off the cruise.
It takes forever to get off the cruise and then to get back on again.
Well, I don't know if it's much of a peeve, but we were just talking about like, you know in New York when hotels have pools and they act like it's great, and then you're like, it's just a strip of water, and I'm only allowed to be in here for 15 minutes and pay $100? It's like, have you guys been to other pools? I just don't even offer it.
I like to swim around and thrash. Right. I'm not the sexy girl at the pool. I'm not in a fancy or like a vanity bathing suit. Like I'm in my Speedo wanting to bounce the ball around. Do you know what I mean?
You stay in school.
It is. Because that used to be my hangover cure. And it has to be cold water. It's got to be cold water.
Barton Springs was always good for that.
Yeah. But yeah, I hate a place that passes off something that's supposed to be cool.
No, my friend also showed me one in Midtown. She's like, I was thinking maybe this could be fun. And then we were just talking about like logistically, probably not.
You're hanging out with strangers.
I like to go to Astoria pool, but they've made it so many rules. Like, you have to have a lining in your bathing suit. You have to take a shower.
Like, for a lining.
Like, you can't come in with a leotard.
Where you might be naked.
No, but you have to take a quick shower. You're not allowed to bring your camera. You can't bring a towel.
But then when you do go, you're like, I kind of understand why there are rules. Because even with that amount of rules, it's still chaos.
There's certain accounts I watch where I'm like, they're working. They put their workout videos all the time. I'm like, it's been five years and I have not seen results.
Wait, there's a lot of those guys that are like really into biohacking. And I look at them like, you look so gross.
oh really like that one guy who's um harvesting his son's blood what do you know that one he's like yeah he takes um transfusion of his young son's blood and interjects it into or injects it into hey that's not bad wow he looks like right back at the kid now he looks like a a vampire pull him up biohack i think that is the guy
I don't know. But it just seems like some wild billionaire. Like 30 Rock story.
Also, I can't imagine dating someone like that.
How old is he? He's 50 something maybe.
Yeah, you're not fun.
Is he a billionaire? Did it say billionaire?
I hanged to go eat a rotisserie chicken to get protein.
I did too, but to be like, sorry guys, I gotta eat my chicken.
You hanging out with Gary Veeder?
Yeah, they want that. It's free promo. It's Instagrammable.
That's an English breakfast.
That could be fun, though.
Was it a good pee stream?
Oh, that's right.
I don't know why you guys get that. In the girls' restroom, we're not peeing openly next to each other.
Also, it's really funny. I always think when we don't sit together, if the plane crashes, that I can't be like, can I sit next to my husband while we die? I would just yell. You have to sit separately while we're dying.
I don't know why it's different for you guys. Who created peeing?
No. Well, I want to say she does really good salads, but she is... This sounds so horrible, but she doesn't season anything.
Especially in a public restroom. But yeah, that's right.
Doesn't it splash up?
We pretend they're like islands.
Everything, the steaks are dry. Yeah.
Deep in Alabama.
Yeah, a glory hole.
It's a clear partition. That looks like Asian. Like pan or something.
Yeah, dry vaginas.
Not on social media.
I like Chris Christopherson.
She was in La Bamba. Oh, I know her.
Her mother. Joe needs his fruit right now.
I only have one rack and I can't remember the name of the movie.
But we watched it together so you can maybe, it's got Anne Hathaway in it.
And she works, she gets hired to work at a. Devil Wears Prada. No, at a, like a prison. Prison. As a therapist. And it's set in like the. We've watched this? I think we watched it. It has a good, Eileen.
And I like the twist. I wasn't expecting it and it was really good. It's dark.
I don't get to watch a lot of stuff these days because I'm just watching our kid.
It has to be in a basket, too.
She was great in this.
That's what she was doing.
Did you watch Tickled? Yeah, that was fun.
It was good. I like a doc where it begins, they are working on this, and then they take a hard left and get sidetracked with this other project.
I don't want to be a bother.
It's probably like the motto of English, even though they colonize everything.
I'm thinking about it with my special with the YouTube monetization.
Joe's always eating pears.
Yeah, but you know what? If you look at some other movies that had a big production behind it, some of them are making that amount.
Well, it just would go stale, I would assume, with flies around it.
Some specials. I'm like, this looks like it was filmed in an airplane hangar.
September 5th, shot at Grove 34. I was almost like nine months pregnant.
Yeah, and it's called But Whole Money. September 5th.
Well, that's like one time Joe for a podcast, Factor, sent an- Factor! They sent in all this food, but we weren't home because they didn't reach out. And it just went stale on our doorstep, like $1,000 worth of food.
Well, everyone will want to ride the subway now.
We'll pay our debt back.
This one recently, I don't know if it's kind of hacky, but I feel like no one's talked about this part of it. Do you know when you buy coffee and then the barista or the person that registers like, okay, I'm just going to turn the iPad around and it's going to ask you a question where I'm like, why do they act like they don't know what the question is?
Yeah, it's the tip. But why are they just like, you know, it's like it's beyond their control. Like we don't know what this thing does. I don't know. What did it say? Did it call you a c**t? Yeah. I just act like it asked me how many like sexual partners I've had.
Or then I just thought about like I also have an iPad. And it's going to ask you a few questions. You flip yours over. Let's just stick two iPads talking to each other. But I just get annoyed that they don't have the balls to say it's going to ask you for a tip.
Sorry, faux pas. You should call ahead of time to let us know when a week's worth of food is coming.
Because I actually tipped somebody on the Upper East at one of these. Oh, I was furious. Where they just grab your thing for you. And it was so expensive. And Joe was like, what do you do?
I just did it as like people pleasing, like automatically, just like 20. And just like, no. And the guy was like. And the guy couldn't return.
Sorry. Sorry. You're in debt.
I'm tired of tipping.
It'll be out by the time this airs.
That's butt pirate. Butt pirate.
Like discovering new lands.
Oh, hey matey, a butthole awaits. It's kind of fun.
Oh, yeah, I've heard about that. It's like a good, it also sounds like a good premise.
I don't want my loved one, Joe, rocking them all up and I have to do them all in one night.
I would just get tired.
You gotta take good care of your feet.
The toenails are out of control.
I don't know why you guys don't like cutting your toenails.
I feel like it's good enough.
Have you heard the rumor?
Which rumors? The rumor that a lot of white people don't wash their legs.
But that's like crazy not to wash your legs.
Lotion when you have the time.
You got to wait to get the good shave.
Sarah, armpit hair, thoughts? I actually think it's cute. And did you ever remember like the first Playboy that Madonna did? She had armpit hair.
I think it was her photos that she took from a photographer and then he sold them to Playboy. But they had, she had armpit hair.
Second to the left.
This is a good internet argument.
When your friend starts smoking at 48, you're like, it's only when you're in high. I get high school. But when you start smoking at 25, that's kooky. It's weird.
To get it set up beforehand was so annoying. Like I just didn't feel like going to a Staples.
it's just been told to us that this is episode 200 so thank you guys for coming with us on this journey here same age as biden all right 200 here here not bad it looks like we got a gift here from the it's always sunny guys whoa four walls whiskey which means hey mark sam and matthew we got a little note this looks like a long note wow jesus christ what is that the declaration
Wow. It's always a tough intro, charity.
wow there it is Fort Lauderdale is good audiences great crowd every time I'm there I'm always like oh yeah you guys are fucking I like the I cause you know Florida is like a real it's a hit or miss it's a hit or miss mixed bag cause Miami Miami can be tough yeah Naples is horrible as I've been through Fort Myers is tough but then like Orlando Fort Lauderdale Tampa like killer all killer even Jacksonville Jacksonville's good yeah what's that other one
has a northern vibe yeah yeah it's like transplanted New Yorkers and stuff like that but then you also have Cuban population Haitian population you know so southern Florida is like upside down that's a great point the Cubans are just they're Puerto Ricans like they you know it's pretty similar you know yeah yeah but then you know you're coming up in the 80s like who were the guys you were looking at you're like that made you want to do this
But he had been on Carson at that point. No.
Yeah, a third of them ended up becoming maybe rapists. Yeah.
The story I heard from Nick DiPaolo is that he moved from Boston to New York, and he just packed his bags down, went to the comedy cellar, saw you on stage murdering, and was like, I might have to leave.
It's fun. It was cool.
I thought it was called American.
Pretty good. Nice. You have to go to the guy's toilet. Yeah. Wow.
When you're having a bad set, do you address it or do you just kind of think, I'm going to keep doing my thing, I'm going to build momentum, I'm going to get them. What do you do?
Yeah, you sell yourself out a little.
It's like, well, what is our job, right? I mean, is it to entertain? Is it to be true to ourselves? I mean, hopefully you find a place in the middle where that was me and they liked it. Right. But sometimes you do like a private event type thing and you're like, I just got to survive this.
It's frustrating when you're building because you get excited about a new joke and then it fucking bombs ten minutes later. Yeah. So, yeah, it's still annoying. It's frustrating. I'm still bothered by it.
It happened to me last night. There you go.
You see a movie, half the room could love the movie. I mean, that's just what we're doing.
I know, but you've done jokes that got an applause break on Fallon and then you bring it to a bar show and they're like, that sucked. That's a good point. I mean, it's just, yeah, it's not just, but that's showbiz. I've always thought that.
I think this is working.
Right. But you also have to be concerned with being one of those comics comics who crushes in those coffee house shows and then goes to any real room and can't fucking connect. That is kind of satisfying for me. Yeah, when we would, like, Mark and I at open mics would do such kind of, like, ba-dum-bum jokes. Right. Our jokes were so kind of like, well, that's the joke. Set up punch.
And then we'd see guys kind of be loose and just, like, I don't give a shit and murder. But then when they'd go to, like, Caroline's at the Strip, they would eat shit.
And it was like, all right, at least, like, those L's were for something that we took, you know?
I see a lot of the club comics going to the alt rooms like with the notepad and just be, so what else? I'm like, you did that joke on Letterman.
Right, right. But they'd be like, is that anything? I don't know. I know. That's a bit of a cheat code.
You had a great story on that.
No. No, that was Sal Volcano. That was... Oh, no, it might have been Jim Brewer, actually.
That was a great story, too.
Ari told me a tale went on, one of the ones at the Improv when he just did it. And he just did, not the Comedy Central one, but just the Improv storytelling show. Yeah. He's like, I don't do stories. He's like, just do the show. And it's all because I was like, all right, this next one is a story about a midget. Just be a short joke.
Yeah. It's tough. Some people, I mean, it's just all they do.
Like Jim Jeffries, I feel like, could just tell a story. Like, oh, just go tell a story. He'd tell a story at a bar, and that's just how he is.
Yeah. But, like, yeah, we're kind of joking.
Yeah. What's that? It's a good life.
I think Burr's got a lot.
Hedberg had a lot back in the day. Hedberg, ton of copycats. It's just, I think we all kind of came up during that era of like Comedy Central half hours. I remember yours and- Oh, huge. And Attell and Hedberg and all those, Greg Giraldo and who else was, I mean- Oh, yeah. Tosh, so many of those.
They're the best. Literally six days a week. This is my non-
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What did he say?
Congratulations on Bodega Cat. Looking forward to talking whiskey. One of these days soon on the pod or at the bar. Cheers from four walls. Very nice. From the desk of Rob, Glenn, and Charlie. Wow. Very cool. Yeah, we got a little sig from the boys here.
Radio Raheem, one of my faves.
Wow, that's crazy. That is committed.
Do you listen to, is that how you write?
We'll fix it in post.
I had one at the cellar recently. I was having a really good set, but there was these two women up front who just hated me. And I was like...
i'm like maybe i'm in my head but then i kind of like i'm doing really well so i'm like i'm like i'm like you guys really hate me and they kind of were just like shrugged like you know like oh okay they kind of acknowledge it ouch then i was like whatever and i'm like you know trying to have fun with it just keep doing the set goes well get off i do another set around the corner i come back i see them on the street and they just go oh it's him oh
And I was like, I'm not thrilled to see you either. I don't know what to tell you.
Yeah. That was a danger, though, when comics used to, like, that was a thing. Comics just started videotaping their sets, and you'd see a camera, and you'd get just used to it, and you'd be like, man, this guy hasn't written a new one in a while. And then you'd see them come off and press record. You're like.
Oh, that's not bad. That's smart. Who were the comics? What was the first thing that really took you from selling some tickets to a lot of tickets on the road? Was it your first album? Was it the Comedy Central half hour? What was the thing that really...
Did you get recognized off this? Off the half hour thing?
Wow. You're just taking the bus for a maybe. You just show up. For five minutes. Get on stage, do five minutes.
I'll be a lawyer. A Greyhound to do five minutes in Toledo.
Be a country song.
Yeah, but why can't she just say the hint? Why can't she just say you're not right for us? That's my opinion. Yeah.
No, no, no. But what if she said, I'll go out with you in six months?
I thought it went well. That's the tough thing. It is ultimately a booker, right? You have a good set. That's all you can do.
I was told by the journeyman dick once. Thank you. Thank you very much.
But a journeyman baseball player is a guy who's just kind of hanging on. He's on a lot of games. But you make a career.
That's what I was doing at the time.
Really one of the funniest.
Oh, I text a bit to Mark and Joe Liss the other day from Richard Jenny. I just heard that killed me about he said, you know what the difference between Charles Manson, every woman I've ever been in love with is Charles Manson has the decency to look like a psycho when you first meet him.
He can pull that one. He had it all. I mean, he had all the tools that you want as a comic. Yes. Good jokes, good performer, just everything. Yeah. Still laughing about that one. Was there anyone else you opened for coming up that you were like, shit, this guy is legit?
He's trying to work a clean Bukkake joke. He's like, let me just fucking.
Yeah, yeah. What was your reasoning for going clean? I mean, it's just a smart choice when you're starting out. But I wish I had that inclination sometimes.
Yeah, it's way harder to churn out material like you do clean.
Now a lot of other guys are getting the credit. But you did a live TV special before.
Well, we have Google. That is crazy that – so you did it with commercials?
So yeah, exciting. We'll put this in the bar and fuck it. We'll try it. Can't wait to give it a shot here. Ooh, that's a good looking whiskey there. Thanks. It's always sunny, guys. Four walls whiskey. And you guys got to come drink some bodega cash. You got that right. Do we have other gifts here? We got a little video first from some of our fans. Oh, some fans. Oh, I recognize this fan. Oh, wow.
I picture him driving in an ice bath, just like... With four wheels.
I didn't see the Rock one live only because I saw him in an arena like a month ago. And I was like, I've seen it live. I'm not going to experience it in a better way than being in the room. And I enjoyed it a lot when I saw it.
That's the excitement of live, I think. That's what it is. That's why you're tuning in. You're just like, something could go wrong. Yeah. I think that's why they love seeing comics have to manage something fucked up in a crowd. Totally. Because if they know you, they know they like the jokes, but they want to see another gear, I think.
And it is the messiest. You're not going to see that anywhere else. It doesn't seem like anything ever goes wrong at a Broadway show. Right. But in a dingy club, something going off the rails, someone you see on TV, there is something kind of cool about, I don't know, obviously I'd rather just do my hour, but when I fuck around at a show, it's at the end of the show.
I want to do my show, and then I'll be like, all right, now I'll fuck around with you guys. Same.
The most impressive, Nathan, for you. I don't remember. When he walked a tight wire over the building. That was the most insane shit I've ever seen. Did he do it? He did it, yeah. Oh, wow. He did it like eight times. You're talking about... You know that guy Nathan Fielder? No.
Yeah, he trained to do this for a long time. How did I miss that one? Is he a stand-up? No.
He did it. He did it. And with weird makeup on his face, pretending to be another guy. The whole premise of the episode was he'll find a guy, he'll get him to meet a girl, they'll fall in love, and he'll make this guy the hero. Yeah. So he learned a tight wire.
Are you still on the road really hard right now?
All right, I'm convinced. All right. Ah, the Jew. It's a great soundbite. Ah, the Jew. Where do you want to travel?
Like you just kind of take it easy at home? I do a lot of crack cocaine.
Yeah, Jews don't do well in the desert, man. I crumple up like a fucking raisin. 40 years. I know, but it wasn't good. It's a bad 40 years.
Yikes. I mean, yeah, I'm sure you got a sick place. I mean, you just got to stay out of that. I mean, it's crazy. All you need is air conditioning and you're good.
I hear you. I think if you're that rich that you just find a way to like wherever you're living. You're like, wherever I live will be sick. I know, but you're just like, I'll make Florida sick. I'll make it great, you know? I'm with you. I'm not leaving New York, but I get that mindset too, you know?
Can I ask you a question about Vegas? Yeah. What's a good, because we go there just for gigs, so what's good non-touristy stuff to do there?
We got a big gift.
Who was that, U2?
What? Oh, my God. Oh, get out of town.
I did the win. It was really good. It was really fun. Yeah. I did the Mirage ones, but that's gone now, isn't it?
I've heard the Venetian is awesome.
What about The Golden Steer? Is that place awesome? Yeah. I got to go there. What about Circus?
I love it. We got a bunch. All right. I'm wearing one, too.
It's so fucking, I can't watch. It's like, what's the next show going to be? Bank Teller? It's fucking awful. I can't – every time I come home and my girlfriend's got Bravo on too, I'm like, turn that – please turn that shit off. It makes you dumber. Even his background noise, I can't take it. I'm with you.
Flights are one of the best places to do it because there's no other distractions, really. You can kind of just zone out.
On a flight. Yes.
Then he was like, hey, I figured you'd want my protein bar wrapper as well.
Here's an XL for you, I think.
I will tell you, I kind of like something about an actual magazine now or a newspaper or something. I don't know because it's just like I look at the Kindle or whatever. It's like another thing to charge.
I just look at another fucking charger. I agree. Charging everything. I got my computer, my phone, my fucking headphones, my dildo.
My second bigger dildo. I have multiple dildos I bring on the road.
That's hilarious.
Part of the dream is that you're on your phone. Never. Yeah, but you might be on your deathbed just like, you know. That's true. Right before you die, those are your last thoughts.
Oh, can I give you a quick movie record?
I got a quick one for you. Shout out Bill Burr for telling me to watch this movie from the 70s called Straight Time with Dustin Hoffman. It's fucking awesome. Awesome movie. Straight Time. Harry Dean Stanton's in it.
It's like he's fresh out of prison. It's a cool movie.
It's really good. All right. Check it out, man. Really fun, yeah.
This is killer. Thank you so much. And guess what? We have a guest coming in who's one of our favorite comics. We're so pumped to do 200 with him.
He co-directed it. What? I guess he directed it for like two weeks and then was like, fuck this, and someone else came in. Hilarious. No, it's a cool one. Yeah, every time Harry Dean Stanton shows up in a movie, I'm like, fuck yes, this guy rules. Totally.
It's just not that big a deal anymore.
Well, yeah, it looks like you're torn here. Where else are you going to be? Well, I don't know.
Wheeling, West Virginia. Munhall, Pennsylvania. Munhall is near Pittsburgh. Yeah, right outside. We got Hershey. Got to check out that chocolate factory. We got Philly, October 18th. See Brian in Baltimore, Maryland.
Oh, nice. Charlottesville, Virginia. Boston, classic.
Oh, yeah, one of the best.
Niagara Falls, Albany, all over. Yeah, I mean, go to... Is it brianregan.com? Yes. brianregan.com. See Brian on the road. One of the best guys. One of the best. Go see him.
I just... Right now, I got a big tour coming in January, late January, but...
yeah i'm doing spokane washington in october 24th through 26th and i'm doing hilarities in cleveland november 21st through 23rd but i think we're doing a theater tour starting in uh i want to say late january i will be coming everywhere so just go to my website uh it's gonna be fun samorelle.com or punchup.live slash samorelle punchup.live slash mark norman for his dates and uh yeah i'm hitting like every city so just go check it out mark where are you gonna be
Winnie just farted. That's a bad fucking fart. Really? That's a bad. It's going to hit you in a sec. I can't wait.
No, not really. Give it a go somewhere. It'd be fun. We could.
Yeah. I don't love doing live podcasts. You don't either, right?
Well, anyway, thanks for coming, man. No.
Add some Pepto-Bismol.
Yeah, you throw in Porky's Revenge, you just riff, you let the good times roll, man.
Are we peps at AC? We're fucking pussies, dude. Are we on? Are we rolling?
That was like 20 seconds.
Yeah. Well, go see Brian, one of our faves. Thank you. And drink Bodega Cat, guys. Yes. Legal in New York right now. Got distribution. See us on the road. And if you want to get this, I don't know, DM the Bodega Cat Instagram or something or-
No, we're back in stock.
That's our whiskey. Yeah, we sell it.
Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe he's gay. You can believe he's a wizard, but you can't believe he's gay?
We've quoted Ted on here a decent amount.
He has to downgrade him too. I love that bit. Chapter breaks. Ted came to my college when I was in school and I got to open for him and he was awesome. He was a really... Sweet man. Good man.
Yeah. And you were doing comedy or getting into comedy?
He had a great opener. He opened... It was in New Orleans at Katrina. And I remember he opened with the joke. At Katrina. Like it's a... No, like... Right after Katrina. At Katrina, yeah, we were drowning. It was weird. We were underwater, but he still brought the heat.
No, he opened, he goes, so I guess it's been, I've always been dying to come down here ever since I heard about what happened, and I guess it's been about a year, and that just crushed, and you're like, all right. Sometimes it's just the fucking pause, you know?
Things are really bad, huh?
People just kept leaving and leaving. I did the audition at the comic strip, and it was a big one for me at the time, and I remember it was like 200 comics at this lottery. Remember that shit? Oh, yeah, the lottery. And I remember going on, you'd go six comics after the regular show. So you'd be like a good two and a half hours in the evening for the crowd.
And then they'd be like, all right, do you guys want to watch some terrible comics? And the crowd's like, fine, yeah. They were nice enough to stay. And it was us six. And I drew number six. And I was like, fuck this. This is going to be right. They're not going to be here. But then, you know, everyone was doing like not well, but well enough.
And the guy who got five right before me had a full on nervous breakdown. No. He walked 70 out of the 80 people.
During his set, he was just like, I'm fucking bad at this. Oh, my God. I fucking suck.
Oh, thank you. What did she say to you?
Beep, beep, beep.
Which is great. It's great.
Good for him.
That I can tell you.
Since the 70s.
Duel?
Is this what you're listening to? I love it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
Thank you.
What?
They know who they are.
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It's like learning a language when you're a baby. You just speak Spanish to a baby, and the baby grows up speaking Spanish.
Oh, he doesn't know how not to speak Spanish. Right. So, you know, this is basically child slavery. Yeah. But we got the best. We got the pyramid. We got the best. Yes, exactly. Tiger Woods playing golf at like two years old doing putts. It's not a good childhood.
Wait, what about Dan Aykroyd? What's going on?
Maybe on some level he's glad an ex-black guy is fucking his daughter. Oh, boy.
like an onion elvis wanted to be black like now wait you don't want to be black in the 50s that's true yeah you want to be black with your rights right you know yeah yeah exactly but yeah damn i mean uh yeah he was fucking iconic iconic michael jackson incredible remember where you were when he died no but i remember kurt metzger's joke about it oh what's that was that again
Looks like Epstein.
I remember I was on a, okay, I remember, I don't remember where I was the moment he died, but I remember where I was that night. I did my old show at the Sage Theater. Mm-hmm.
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett died, and Ted Alexander was open or crushed. He just goes, wow, what a day. Shaq to the Cavs? Crazy. Crushed. Perfect. Perfect. Because like, you know, Farrah Fawcett. Imagine dying the same day as Michael Jackson. Insane. Insane.
Realistically, maybe.
Oh, I thought you meant living.
That is... Oh, nine.
Do you think he was a diddler, or do you think he was just like a stunted childhood one? Either way, it's gross, but one is way worse, obviously.
You know what's probably hard about being a pedo is eating what the kids eat and then still trying to perform.
You're trying to get hard after 20 McNuggets. That's not easy.
Yes. How much do you think they're really making? I mean... A Dateline actor, like the Adolf Hitler in the new Netflix one, where the whole time he's like... I'm like, I mean, I don't think this is exactly Laurence Olivier. Yeah, that's true. It's just some dude who just is like... It sucks when you can notice he's that bad an actor that they're overacting as like the background.
It's like when an extra tries to do... And you're like, no, just fucking walk by.
I got a movie rec for you. Okay. I might have texted to you already. Memories of Murder. The guy who did Parasite, Bong Joon-ho. Oh, he's good. Dude, it's so good. Memories of Murder, is it old? It's his second movie.
Something, yeah, Space Needle, nothing.
Yeah, it's a good one, man. Oh, I'm all over it. It's a noir.
When we're talking, like, film, they're pretty damn good.
I think China's got some big movies.
It's such a big country. I don't know enough about it.
You drink hard this weekend? I did, yeah. By the way, that guy a wreck? Jonathan Haidt?
I agree, man. Good noir.
All that good noir shit came post-World War II.
It's a lot of good non-Jew and black comics, too. Yeah, I guess you got Carlin, Burr, CK. Yeah, well, come on. Quinn. I think every group, you got to be funny. That's true. Funny is value.
Currency, especially when you're young. Yeah.
Kung Fu Hustle is kind of fun.
Memories of Murder Good. You got a wreck? Oh, you did wreck. You wrecked the thing, right?
You got to save these for the kid.
I was on a plane. God, you must have been crying like a bitch.
The altitude of a movie like that.
That's real. That's why I never break up with a woman on a flight.
Best place to break up with a woman? A library. Oh.
Yeah, look at the sign.
We've got to look up that bit and find out who took that.
Is it weird pitching an N-word bit to a black comic?
As long as you don't give it to an Indian comic and then take it back. Yeah.
I want video footage from when you were young.
White guys acting black?
Right. So even if what we're doing is wrong, you are kind of jumping on that train.
We colonize. And we do it fucking well.
Britain, they have their hands in everything bad. They've done so many bad things. That's true. We could pin the whole Middle East thing on Britain. We could really do it. You think? I mean, yeah, there's some. If you go to like the 40s, they did some shit where you're like, yeah, this is a little bit on you.
I'm terrible at it. No, I mean, yeah. Ireland's in there somewhere, right?
Yeah. I'm terrible at this. I'm the wrong guy to ask. Although I will be playing there, so. Okay. We should cut this so I don't sound like a fucking moron.
I, uh. Yeah, I'm doing Belfast, Dublin, London, Paris. Wow. Amsterdam, Oslo, Norway. Oh, that is Norway, Oslo. And Copenhagen and Stockholm. And I'm thinking about adding Berlin. I'm thinking about it.
I don't have a lot of days off. Okay. Unfortunately, I have a lot of days off in London, which I've been to a bunch. I have a day off in Paris. I have a day off. Oh, that's good. In some places. I think in Dublin, I have a day off. Oh, that's good, too. Yeah. All right. I wish I had another day in Amsterdam, but I don't.
I'm going to try to fit in the Anne Frank House and the Van Gogh Museum.
I'm going to have to call my agent. Like, you've got to hook up Anne Frank tickets, dude.
They're adding a wing. They're like, we've got to make this bigger.
Yeah, but it was a lot of people.
And it was, you had to be quiet.
Yeah, he tried to, they almost got to the States. He had a friend who was powerful and the letter was rejected. That was a crazy part of this shit, man. It's like having the, I think there was a boat of German Jews who tried to get to Cuba. And they were just denied when they got there. They said they would let them in. They denied and they had to go back to Germany.
Imagine like you're leaving Germany like, fuck you, Nazi pieces of shit. And then you have to go back. You're like, ah.
And guess what? We will bitch about a Delta flight again. Like you feel bad for like two minutes. And then like 30 minutes later, they're like, we're going to circle for 20 minutes. And you're like, no one has suffered more than me.
We communicate. We complain.
You try to make it, a peeve is a part of the show.
You got more peeves?
Well, give me some peeves because I'm fucking low on peeves right now.
That's my problem. I always forget to. Same. Something will annoy me because I was leaving. I'm telling my girlfriend, I'm like, what do I complain about? She goes, I can't picture you not complaining. All you do is complain. I was like, well, give me something. She goes, I can't remember. I go, that's a peeve.
They always fall sooner or later. Yeah, I got loaded. I was in a casino gig with Chrissy D., Nemesh, Rachel. Nemesh stays like downtown. He wants to be in like a cool park. Chris and I are like, yeah, we'll do the casino or whatever. What city? We're in Prior Lake, Minnesota. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. It's a cool, it's a decent casino. I was going to say cool. It's fine. Mystic Lake Casino. Okay.
It's a bad story.
His funeral, never had the right mustard. Not a good.
That's all there was to him. That's it.
His brother was the mayonnaise guy. But this guy.
Yeah. That's a good peeve. I hate the story of my life. Because it's like, look, it's one thing like, ah, crap is one thing. Sure. But then you now become like this victim. Yes. They never have the brown mustard. Right. Right. I do love a brown mustard, though. Oh. I know. You know what else I love? It's like a grainy mustard. Oh, yes. I love a grainy mustard. The seeds. I'm a mustard guy. Me too.
Horseradish mustard. Love it. They have one... They have it at Russ and Daughters. Oh, that's a good shit, man. Yeah, that's good.
Look up that Russ and Daughters horseradish mustard. This is like my favorite mustard I've ever had, dude.
Russ and Daughters fucking rules. I will wait on that dumb line on a weekend.
That's like the only touristy shit I actually do.
Dude, how about fucking the strip house is going to carry Bodega Cat? Fuck!
This is big time.
It's fucking big.
It's coming soon. And dude, we're like big shipment, new sexy bottle coming. The only knock, their GM tried our whiskey and they apparently loved it. Said the only knock is we don't love the current feel of the label. I said, well, I got good news for you. We got a new fucking label coming.
We're cooking, baby. Bodega Cat's making some noise. You can't find the mustard? It's a good mustard. I'll find it somewhere. We'll get it.
Horseradish. Put in horseradish mustard. It might show up. Horseradish mustard. What a great combo. Oh, it's fucking... That's the stuff. Wait, no, that's not it.
Yeah, it's the Stonewall Kitchen. It's a fancy one. These are fancy mustards we're dealing with. Wow. Give me another peeve, man.
You're crushing with it.
I know. It is a pee for me when people don't get right to it. Yes. When it's a friend, I don't care. But when it's like a work type call. It's a work call. It does bother me when someone's telling you like, yeah, I had a guy sending me like text like this. And I'm like, dude, what are you doing to me?
You know what you got to do? You got to treat it like hockey.
You got to say like, there's a minute left in the period. Let's go.
What about, that is fucking annoying.
You know that one. I've heard that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We do that. We do a gig. Great crowd.
i don't yeah it's a real peeve i got a peeve please and it's a fucking first world peeve and i'm and i know it and i'm saying in advance i stayed in shitty hotels for years yeah just let me go on the road i stay in a nice hotel was in a hotel that had a sauna i was very excited yeah love a sauna especially when you're traveling you sweat out the fucking booze oh yeah sweat out that airplane garbage that's in you yep i go in there all excited four kids in there
What the hell are we doing? In a sauna. In a sauna. And they're leaving the door open so the heat's all getting out. One of the dads was like, close the door. I'm like, you brought them in. You're bringing the bad energy in. Kids have no place in a sauna. No place. You're not, what's the word, stressed about anything?
nemesh is like you gotta come for this chicken we look on uber we're like 35 minutes away like 10 30 and he's we're riffing on stage he's like i gotta i got a reservation we're like you're staying in the casino right yeah i was like fuck that and uh chris's whole family with him his daughter's fucking hilarious oh yeah we're at the airport chris goes look at sam she goes oh
Yeah, what are you fucking, like, oh, I got a State Capitals Monday. I got to fucking dine in here. Jesus Christ.
Booked the hotel because of the sauna. Didn't get a good sauna.
Kids will ruin a pool.
I remember Joe List had a great tweet once saying like there should be, this was before he had a kid, by the way. That's true. But he said there should be an app telling you if there are kids by the hotel pool.
Wow, that's a good bit. That's a good idea. Yeah.
I'd rather a gay guy blowing another guy.
By the way, Mateo told me he's never been in a sauna.
Is he in Chelsea or something?
Certain neighborhoods, I think. Yeah, that sucks, because I do want to go in there and just relax.
DeStefano got blocked in by someone.
Yeah, I tried to hook up with him.
It is until you're stuck.
But it's not hot enough otherwise. God damn it, I'm gay.
I'm sending signals. We outed Sam. I may as well have been bent over wiggling my butt in the air.
Dude, I did the worst thing the other day. I said, hey, do you mind? And I poured it on.
It's a little too cool. You might have to put water on the rocks. And he's like, go ahead.
Yeah, that's insane. That's like what the thing is for.
How do you know he was gay at Subway? He ordered a sandwich.
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We lost it. She's been around a comedian too much. Yes. To the point that she now insults me nonstop. And I was like, does your kid hate me? She's like, no. It's like her term of endearment.
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You think you're in the fucking, you know...
It's crazy. Try driving from Philly to here and you're like, where's the money going? Yeah, right?
You wanna pour some water over the rocks on Equinox?
Yeah, the road ritual, you need to do everything you feel comfortable doing because the second you cave in, next thing you're like, why did I fucking do that? That's true. Because I felt it, dude. We went out hard and then I had shit to do and I was like, fuck.
She's like, look at this ugly guy. I'm like, she's like, because I look bad. She goes, look at your teeth. What's wrong with your teeth?
I never see him anymore.
I was like, you know. You got nice teeth. I just got them whitened. Thanks for noticing. Yeah, but she's hilarious. And then we end up in D.C. We end up at... We end up just going to this place, Shaw's Crab House. I go there every time I'm in Chicago. That's right up my anal. I don't even know what it is, but I'm in. Veeder found it originally. Yes. It's a Gary Doesn't Miss find.
I do it. I always...
i don't i don't i'm a comedian what am i doing all day i'm like but you had shit to do i had shit to do but he didn't and that's he got me they always get you it's like a game yeah they know that they have the i'll be fine i can lose this day and you're like no i can't lose i can't lose it yeah but also those those hangs are kind of like rare these it was pretty great getting older and it's like i regret them like a motherfucker the next morning but like a week later i'm like i'm glad i did that
Old men will look back and be like, those were fucking fun nights. That's true. Because, you know, every once in a while you need to make some bad decisions.
But he is still kind of a wholesome drunk.
That's the thing is, he's like kind of still that guy.
That's fun. You fuck, damn. That's a good drunk, man.
That was fun. We got to do one of those soon. Let's do it. I guess we do do it almost every week, technically. But like an actual non-recorded one where we're just like, got to hit like, maybe we'll hit Strip House when it's like, when Bodega Cat's there. Good call.
Got to do something.
Oh, yeah. That job came at a cost.
Joe DeRosa is going to die at 51. I give him so much shit. He is that friend at funerals who's like. True. Who's like excited he gets to do shots for a reason.
Fine. Piece of shit.
Goddamn DeRosa. Don't die, Joe. We love you.
Veeder can find crabs. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he finds them. And every time I'm in one of these places, I think of that Richard Jenny joke with the lobsters in the tank. Oh, so good. They all have that look on their face like, any word from the governor? Ha, ha, ha. It's such a good bit. So good. But, yeah, we get loaded there. Wow. You know, his partner's with us, Jazz, you know. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it's not good.
It's one of the things, if you do it, you just can't do it in public.
God, no. This is Manhattan. It's not sanitary.
I need a Silkwood shower. The amount of fucking garbage in this city subway. I remember I was on the train once late at night and I, you know, see a guy in a wheelchair like barely hanging on. He's like,
hanging on and he falls over I'm like fuck and I walk over like fuck I guess I gotta help this guy up but he's clearly I can tell something's wrong with him too but I'm helping him up and some guy as I'm doing it goes don't do it and I'm like whatever I just did it I helped him up and then he leans over again he's like and he falls over I'm like I guess this is his thing he just falls over and wants people to help him up
So no money or anything? No, he's just like a fucking mess. Wow. And then I smell him like he's shit himself.
So I'm like, I'm helping a dude up who's pooped his pants. Yeah, you got to pit that Purell. It's a bad one. And then I helped him up the first time and they did it again. The guy looked at me and goes, I told you.
That's a New York moment.
Sure, sure. But a guy in a wheelchair falls over, like, what are you going to do? Of course you're going to help him.
A true story. So years ago on the train, there's a guy with no legs pushing himself and begging for money. And I heard a guy whisper to his friend, this one's not faking it. Oh, wow. Wow. That's fucking sad.
He's been burned by a no legged con before.
That's got to be real. It also sucks that that's like your whole persona now. I know. He just became the burn guy. Yeah, yeah. Like you're carrying the fucking clippings.
Koozies are only seven bucks. The burn koozies, but they keep it cool.
So the point, it was just a gag wallet. You just open it and there's no money and it just lights on fire.
She's a good-looking lady. At one point, at one point, one flight, she walks by in yoga pants and bends over, and Chris, like, points to his wife's butt, like, check this out.
Look at it. I kind of like it.
I had a friend who tried to get into a bar underage, and he didn't have a fake ID, and I did, and I got in, and then he busted out the fire wallet, and the guy looked at me and goes, get in there.
It worked. It worked. Because I think the guy was like, look, you might be 18, but you're good energy. We could use you in there.
I don't know about secretly. Some of them, Copperfield pulled some great ass.
Didn't he get Claudia Schiffer?
But if you're an entertainer, if you have that kind of charisma that you can make a living as a magician- You're getting people's attention.
Yeah, well, think about how rock stars dress.
Because, first of all... A good gag to do on this guy is to open it and just dump fucking... They pull it out, you just dump some fucking... Lighter fluid on it.
No. I think it's just a gag. I think it's pointless, the gag wallet.
It's pretty cool, man. That's what I mean. They're natural entertainers. Like, they've been doing that shit, like, the way we have to fill in, like, awkward silences with something uncomfortable, like a joke or something. They're filling it in with, like, Yes. They're doing, like, weird, like, you know, what's that behind your ear? Yeah. And that shit is universal. It is.
That works on little kids. That works on adults. That works on an old lady.
Because it's work. It's like, you know, when you see a good magician, you're like, well, that trick was a lot of work.
They put in time to learn it.
Yeah, you know, because women like mystery.
How'd you do that?
Your wife sees who you follow?
Orson Welles is a magician.
He loves magic. There's a story that this director wanted him in his first film. It's a guy who did the books, Lunches with Orson, and Peter Bogdanovich gives Henry Jaglum his info. He's like, he'll never do your first movie, but here's his info. He shows up at the hotel to greet him, just knocks on the door. That's No email back then. Yeah, yeah. Knocks on the door.
Orson Welles opens the door in, like, purple silk pajamas. Said he looked like a giant grape. And he goes, who are you? And he just said, I need you to be in my movie. It's my first film. And he goes, I'll never do a director's first film. Never. And he goes, well, you did your first film, and you directed it. And he goes, never. Get out of here. And he goes, I know you love magic.
But when you're single, it's okay to look at his girlfriend? Yeah, I'd say so. It always weird is when you follow the ex, and then they break up, and you're like, oh, cool, that chick that ruined my friend's life got into yoga, I guess. That's nice. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, we're at dinner. We're getting loaded. It starts with just a round of martinis.
You play a magician. And just paused, and he goes... Could I wear a cape? And he did it. But he loved magic. I mean, F is for fake. He did magic, too. Right. Right. Wow. It's like Nathan for you before Nathan for you. Yeah. It's a weird one.
That's something.
Let me try one on you.
Movie theaters, like all the trailers are for stuff that's on Netflix. On TV, you get commercials for YouTube. They're literally advertising their demise. Ooh. That's my thing. It's like when a woman posts pictures with her guy friend you know she's going to hook up with after you. Oh, that's good. And you're like, oh, cool, that's what's coming next, I guess.
Something there, right?
It's more of a twist, but it's like.
You're advertising the thing that's killing you.
I like that. That's possibly the turn.
We'll fucking drop you out.
I don't think so.
then it felt we felt like we were in mad men i was like another round of martinis i was like what the hell no stopping now we start getting loaded then he's like another round i'm like all right another round wow just keep doing them we keep throwing them down and then uh booze and crabs too what a fun what a fun night cracking them open you got the bib on the cocktail it's that's the best
I think the problem is though with shooting, like this may be worth this and somehow like you shoot a load and then you feel you regret it. Oh. Because like you watch porn, I'm just like, ugh. Don't you feel that little self-loathing? Yeah. You feel shame. You don't feel shame after you shoot a gun. You're just like, that was fucking cool.
But you can't feel like you shoot a guy. Yeah. Maybe you play a video game where you shoot a guy and he's like, what have you done?
Oh, yeah. Something like that where it's like. The shame needs to come in. There needs to be a way you get. It's close.
Well, shooting. when you finish i think something i i think the difference is when you when you shoot a load you see the world kind of more clearly yes you don't do that if you shoot a gun oh yeah right you don't fire you're not at the range you fire you fire two rounds and you're like what have i done
yeah no it's not there yet but it's like you fire two rounds and you're like man i'm fucking i'm sick yeah i'm a sick fuck maybe the shooting range is almost like a porn theater you know like you get it out there and then you don't do it at school there might be a connection to like porn and school shooters either way it's because you don't have a girlfriend or something you know oh yeah true true yeah
I had an old premise. It's different, but about how it's weird that they say these shoot-em-up video games make kids numb to violence, right? Because it's like, oh, no, they have nothing to do with the school shooting. It's like, all right, I'm not going to blame video games for actual murder, but there's no way that shit's not numbing you to violence.
It's also just a different experience. You watch a porno, you're doing it alone. You're not watching a porno with a group like, yeah. You see John Wick in the theater, you're like, this is fucking awesome.
Good sushi there too. Everything's good there, man. The kids get their mac and cheese. It's killer. It's got like a PJ Clark's type of vibe. Love it. Like the seafood and the good martinis. So then Chris was like, let's go on a architecture tour. I'm like looking at my phone. I'm like, all right. At this hour? It's like nine. Yeah. He's like, come on. The kids will be into it.
I think it's because it's easier to get a gun.
Maybe he shows you his gun collection, you're like, oh, that's pretty cool. You go to his house, he goes, you want to see all these girls I have in the basement? You're like, I'm going to call the FBI real quick. Yeah, he's on a watch list. That's good. Okay, okay. Yeah, you can collect guns and it's seen as kind of cool.
Porn mag. I think if you're too into either, it's a red flag.
Too into porn, too into guns. Right. Like, you have a few guns. You go to the range, whatever. But, like, there's the people that have, like, a shitload. And you're like, all right, that's a little.
No, I think the women gun thing is. I think that's it. It's easier to get a gun.
I don't know. Okay, I'll noodle.
I hope I didn't just say someone's fucking thing. Everyone's done everything.
I was watching this JFK doc, and this guy, this historian comes on. He goes, I think what really did him in was his obsession with women. I was like, really? I think it was getting shot in the face. I don't think it was.
I don't think the doctor was like, man, this guy's head fell off. Punani overload. I don't know. I need something better than that.
He got brain. Well, this guy used to have a lot of head. Yeah. He used to have a lot of, yeah. He got road head. Yeah, road head. That's fucking good. Road head's the word. Yeah, what killed him? Road head. Road head.
Yeah, he got a head in front of his wife.
Right in front of his wife. It's just so dark.
The kids are like passed out too. We get on the boat. It's like one of those things. Boat? Yeah, yeah. It's like a river tour. Whoa. So we get on the boat and it's a woman leading this. And it's a woman, like it's her show. So she's like making jokes. Uh-huh. And, you know, not great. But she's like, no talking while I'm talking. No TikToks open. And I'm like, did we just get hammered?
Yeah, there's a lot there. He did get so much fucking ass, though. And it was always like, there's something funny. He's always fucking someone that was like a danger to the country. Oh, really? Yeah, and RFK always had to clean it up. Ah.
Wow. He's a lunatic.
You were expecting a white guy. Yeah. Yeah, it is funny that they have to pretend that they're cool now. Exactly. There's a fine line between tolerance and intolerance, and it's like... It's color. It's color.
Yeah, I think the next thing is like, what did you just say about the, there's a fine line, I think it's color. Yeah. Yeah, brown. Well, it's the same way like someone will go after us for saying a joke, but if a rapper made the same type of comment, type of blogger would never dare. Culture goes a long way. Culture goes a long way.
That's a fair point. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, if you murder people, you can really believe whatever you want to believe. Yeah, you'll get popped eventually, but you'll have a, you'll be all right on. I don't know, I think the turn is really like calling out that type of liberal person. Right. Who thinks they're really open-minded. Yeah, exactly. You think you're really open-minded, but you're really just a pussy. I guess so, yeah.
And now we just have to like look at each other in silence? The kids are passed out on Chris. We're just like looking at each other like, oh, all right. Wow. I can't believe you went on the boat at night.
I think there's something there for sure.
It's one of those ramp bits. It's going to be one of those ramp bits where you're like, oh, wow, it seems like you only believe that because... But it's something funny, because we all kind of believe that in some way. That's the funny thing. Sure. I think you can kind of, if you maybe flip it on yourself a little, there is something funny about that.
Well, it feels more current, maybe. More current, yeah. The Christian jokes have been made.
It's tough. It's a tough call. It is. But it's easy...
Yeah, I don't know the twist yet.
jazz apparently got sick from the oysters i will say i had fucking some mean diarrhea yeah you know when you try to hit the gym the next day and you're like and you're like i'm gonna hit the gym i left twice to take a shit wow it was bad damn then i had to go do pardon my take in chicago they'd have you do the gauntlet that thing where it's like an athletic challenge let's just say my time was not good yeah
Oh, dude, that's my whole fucking act right now.
Yeah, it just takes a while.
That's true. That's true. There's something about... Yeah, no, I have one that, like, I had forever, and I just finished it, like, a week ago. Wow. I forgot... You know, I was like, how do I end this? Dude, I didn't write it, I riffed it. It's like sometimes you just have to keep saying the joke and you talk the punchline of what you say naturally is the punchline.
Yeah. Should we do one more or do you want to save some? Uh...
When I was a kid, my mom used to buy me books on ADD.
Books. I could read a tweet. That's funny. Books on ADD. And then they sent me to a seven-hour ADD seminar, which is true. Because they were like, you need to... And I'm like, that's not how you...
beat add right you don't just force me to listen and you're like and uh my friend said you know you can't cure add with the class it's like being gay you can't that's what i was gonna show a gay guy pictures and like of hot women like cured yet yeah you know so and i was like yeah it's not at all like being gay i think it's pretty messed up to uh to compare what i have to an incurable disorder
That's great, but it's not going to work in the UK or whatever. We don't get ADD people, we don't get a parade. Even if we did, we wouldn't have the focus to get one done. I think ADD is like, ADD is not like being gay. I can control this with medication.
Oh, really? Yeah. No, I tried that first part on stage. I didn't try the second part. So I just tried up to like where you guys laughed, the disorder part. That was a riff. And I was like... It got a pop.
I do have a sauna bit, actually. Oh, okay. I have a new sauna bit. Here we go. Yeah, yeah. What else you got? That's my thing. I have a couple that are new that are just working, so I don't want to bring on shit that's working.
I feel like sometimes when people hear it at the show and when I talk to them after, they're like, no, it's cool hearing it on the show. That's true. But yeah, I'm the same way. I like it all to be brand new to them when they see it.
And it sucks when you're like, well, I do have diarrhea and I'm hungover. And they're like, no excuses. You're like, no excuses.
I like this already.
You piece of shit. Yeah. Is this any way to treat a customer?
Delta's like, wow, this is paying for itself. Yeah.
That's fucking good.
I was laughing in the setup. I mean, to me, that's hilarious.
I think there's a lot there.
Bring out the GIMP. There's fun stuff.
Damn, that's solid.
I'm also shocked whenever I know your angle is not going to be hack. I always know that, but it's still refreshing to hear an airline bit that you're like, oh, I haven't heard that.
You know what I mean? I just like that.
You showed up. It's a lot. We were bombed. We were both singing that song from all that jazz. I think I'm going to die. Yeah. What the fuck's wrong with these people?
Oh, there we go. Hey, there we go. This is fun. Yeah.
Follow us both, punchup.live slash Mark Norman, punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. Oh, yeah. And we're posting stuff on there. We got our dates in there. Mark, where are you going to be?
Meridian Hall is awesome.
Yeah, it's sick.
I'm doing hilarities, too.
That's like my favorite.
I'm going to Europe, so I got... Whee! yeah i got london i believe september 18th then uh then we got oh niagara falls first right okay niagara falls uh september 13th oh the good side yeah we got london the 18th the 22nd we got belfast then we got dublin paris just added a show amsterdam just added a show copenhagen uh Oslo, Stockholm, and then, yeah, I'm back in the clubs.
Going to add some more clubs. We got Hilarities, November 21st through 23rd. I'm going to add some more clubs, though. Need to get back to it. And then big theater tour next year. And buy some Bodega Cat at bodegacatwhiskey.com. I don't know why I can't speak today. I'm off today. Bodegacatwhiskey.com. And, you know, we've had some great times with Wingus here.
Winnie always bringing the heat on this pod. Oh, yeah. You guys love Winnie. Who doesn't? We got to look back at some of the greatest moments with Winnie. Let's take a little look back to all the great moments Winnie has provided us on this podcast.
Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Sorry. Back off, Norman. Mini Winnie's going strong. And let's take a look. Oh, this is a good one. An improv over the weekend with her, and the staff's like, Winnie?
It's legal here. She's awesome.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at her. She's the best.
The constant licks, dude. She's like.
She heard you shitting on pugs on your pod.
Oh, shit. I love pugs. I love pugs. Carry that with me.
Yeah, she's 17. She's hanging in there. Well, thanks for listening, guys. We love you. One more. We got one more. Yeah, we got to do this one. You go to the bookstore and it's like... Ari trying to make up for it.
He probably got discovered. Yeah. There we are. Look at that. Wow. That's great. Yeah, we had a few of those. No Rachel? She was in, no, Chris just happened to go to Chicago with his family. Oh, okay. So I was there afterwards to do part of my take. Got it. Because it's not far from Minnesota. No, we were in Minnesota together. Got it. Yeah, we were hanging in Minnesota.
Love it. You guys are the best. Keep listening and we'll see you guys soon.
We were throwing back some Manhattans. Woo! It's one of those weird, like, we can't get you alcohol. Yeah, what is that? One of those weird casinos. I don't know. I've had that. Dry, weird. He was like, the watchachiti people. I'm like, of course. Yes. The watchachiti. Some spirit reason. I don't know.
Oh, yeah, it's true. Maybe it's bad for the entertainment. I don't know. That makes sense. There was one comic who came in and ruined that shit. That's true. Anytime you go to a comedy club, they're like, Vic Henley was here in 97. He had six bottles of Patron.
Oh, cool, so now we have to pay for it, you know?
That's, what's his name, Komen.
Yeah, yeah. They were a little too flashy. I've never worn them. I want to see them.
Yo, these are the New Balance grimaces right here.
Yeah, Jesus Christ, that guy had an appetite for a lot, I guess.
Yeah, when you're fat and you do blow, your heart is like, what are you doing to me, dude?
Why are you doing this? Yeah. But it's all those fat dudes. I was watching a Babe Ruth doc, and it's pretty bad. It's on Max. I mean, he's amazing. It is funny that there's just no black people playing. They're like, This is the greatest athlete I've ever seen. I'm like, not one black Dominican.
He didn't have to go against any of the, you know, there's some Negro Leagues guys putting up some crazy numbers. Sure. But, you know, he was amazing. There's no denying Babe Ruth was amazing. And you look at what he ate.
Four hot dogs for lunch, two ribeyes for dinner, a ton of booze, a giant Coca-Cola. Even when he's not drinking alcohol, he's just drinking like sugar water. And cigars. Cigars. Scotch. Sausage. Wow. Eight egg breakfast. And there's one line. It's just like a hero worship documentary.
It's like a PR fluff piece where, you know, they're like, Babe Ruth adopted a kid with a woman and then he walked out on her. Anyway, Babe Ruth, the things he did for those cancer-ridden children were the Lord's work.
I think he had some sort of cancer. They didn't even tell him he had cancer. That was the weird part. Whoa, really? They were like, yeah, you're just not well. It was back in the day. They're like, oh, 53. I was wrong. They didn't want to upset him. It was like, by the way, I would be pretty upset if you didn't tell me I was dying.
But he was a fucking booze bag party animal. And then he just like he had a kind of a sad end of his life. Sure. But, you know, when you when you are flying that high that young.
Who is like a tax attorney. He was. And they show clips of him and they're like, he was so fast.
All the clips are sped up, though. Just like spinning around. I'm like, all right, well, we might have. Apparently he was fast.
that's fun oh man he was uh he was iconic though oh yeah i mean he's everyone loved him on the team he was like the party animal playing cards like getting loaded all night love it took you under his wing like that must have been pretty cool and it was back when sports figures were like they were like gods you know they're like oh the babe there he is he's seven foot tall if he's a foot he can crack a bat 20 20 million miles you know that whole thing was almost like a superman figure
Exactly. And like the type of legend who would refer to himself in third person and wasn't annoying. Yeah. Go to this restaurant and tell him the babe sent you. You know, but he it's pretty cool the way he like he did lift up his teammates. I mean, it was it was he's iconic, but the doc was so bad. It's just people being like he was.
He was awesome, though. So cool. It ain't over till it's over is the most iconic sports quote.
Yeah, there's a story. He was on the team with DiMaggio, and there was one time he grounded out to shortstop or whatever, and he didn't hustle. And he came back to the dugout. He goes, oh, you're just not going to run? And he never didn't hustle. Just all it took was one comment. Oh, good. Like, you think you're better than us? Yeah. Like, fuck you. You hustle.
He's fucking crushing Cats. What are we doing here?
It's amazing when you think, like, a lot of people think of Michael Jackson as unhealthy, a drug addict. Yeah. And then you see he's in that kind of, like, athlete shape. Athlete. Like, think about, I'll walk up, like, four flights of stairs. I'm like.
Oh, dude, I was watching. It's so weird you said that. I went on a Michael Jackson music video kick recently. I'm watching like Smooth Criminal. Oh, yeah. And Thriller. Yes. They're fucking movies.