It's the end of 2024 and a holiday celebration with our friends Joe DeRosa and Rachel Feinstein, with a pop in from Santa and his elves and wrapping it up with Magician Seth Dale. Thank you for spending 2024 with us and we look forward to what 2025 will bring. Support the show and sign up for a $1 per month trial of Shopify at https://www.shopify.com/drunk Your Holiday wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code DRUNK20 at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/DRUNK20 Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Joe DeRosa: Tickets/Tour: https://www.joederosa.com/calendar Rachel Feinstein: Tickets/Tour: https://rachel-feinstein.com/#tourdates Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/?hl=en #wemightbedrunk #marknormand #sammorril #podcast #drunkpodcast #comedy #comedian #funny #gothampodcast
It's a shame you're not a father because you would kill it. There's still time. He said he doesn't want it. Yeah. Imagine you had a lawn. This lawn would be unbelievable. Your neighbors would hate you.
Look at those hands. He could grab a wrist. Oh, yeah. Remember when a dad would grab a wrist, you were in trouble? Hate the wrist. And place it on his cock. Yeah. Make them finish you to completion.
Those were the days. The worst was back of the neck. If you got a back of the neck, you were going right to hell. Yeah, not good. No, I caught my parents fucking. Really? Yeah, I joined in. And he started choking you? Yeah. And then you came. We all came, I'll tell you. He went front of the neck.
Yeah, I love this time of year, man.
Oh, it's the best. It's the best of the year. I don't know. Well, you got eight nights.
Yeah.
Crazy nights.
Eight crazy nights. But I love Christmas. A little all-day NBA on Christmas. We got football now, too. I mean, this is a good time. Order a little Chinese food. Hell, yeah. Watch my Knickerbockers. Yeah.
You can't beat it. I mean, the guy with the Santa guy with the bell, the tree in Rockefeller, the ice skating, the hobo pissing with the dirty Santa hat.
The hobo pissing is what does it for me. Oh, yeah. Good times. And it really is. You feel the cheer. People are in good spirits.
Yeah. I'm going to the family, the wife's family, and they got kids running around. Without the kids, it's kind of sad, to be honest.
That's a good point. I guess my life is sad.
Yeah. No one wanted to tell you. No. I mean, obviously, Christmas is great, but when you got these kids running around, they're ripping open the presents. They're like, oh, my God, a Nintendo or whatever kids are playing with. No, kids do help. Oh, yeah. Halloween, obviously, kids. Oh, look what we got here. Oh, we got to talk about this.
Everything about my picture is better than yours, by the way.
Everything. Better lighting. He's smiling.
For those listening, Matt Salacuse is holding up my picture with Larry David next to Mark's.
Yeah.
Yeah, Larry does not look happy in yours. I got a smile.
Oh, yeah. He hated it. I mean, I told the story. I want to hear your story.
So I'm in Austin. My agent reps Larry David now for live events. This is why we're having more trouble selling tickets on the road. We're going up against everybody. Yeah. Not just comics now. It's, you know, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Right. It's comedians. I know. Hawk Tua is doing a tour. You see that? I didn't. Yeah. She's out there. She's only taking money in Hawk Tua coin.
spit going yeah yeah so uh yeah i'm at the show and the same agent who introed you is kind of like hey uh pimple you want you want to meet him and i was like only if i'm not annoying him okay i don't want to this is my nightmare and i'm extra nervous because i know mark's story and i'm just like You know, it was a fun show. Susie Essman and J.B. Smoove come out.
Whoa.
Jeff Schaefer from Curb and Seinfeld.
Hell yeah.
He's, you know, running the interview. Yeah. And it's funny. It's Larry's being hilarious. Some stories we've heard, the George Fired story, but then there's so many other funny stories. I mean, you saw the show. Did you see the Q&A?
Yeah. That was the highlight.
That was the highlight because people are so, man, it's like, by the way, you really do realize what his fan base is. And man, if there was a Nazi in there, he would have lost his mind. You just hear voices behind me like, I go to the store the other day, this happened. I'm like, oh my God, this is his fan base. It's us, we're just complaining.
The guy sits next to me and just starts complaining instantly. I'm like, it's Weiner's.
Well, he made it an art, you know? But whining is not an art. He's just great at it. He's great at it. Yeah, it's like a barroom boxer. You go, fuck this guy. He's an asshole. But you put him in a ring, and he's a genius.
It's so true. But then everyone there thinks they've got the charisma because they're whining. Yes. You get a lot of people. One guy said, hey, we'd love to hear your rendition of These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty. And Larry just goes. Nah.
And it crushed. That's what you want him to do, too.
Totally. Oh, it's so funny. At the beginning, he's like, I am not like Larry David. And then as the show goes on, you're like, I'm pretty sure you are. Pretty sure it's exactly who you are. That's why the show works. I think he's a nicer guy. Yeah. But he can't fake it. And then... You know, a few other questions that were just like, you're like, all right, enough.
And after the show, I go back there and I'm like, I'm not going to I'm going to be quick. I don't want to bother him. And I got the perfect intro until he goes, we have a quick talk. And I go, the show is good, which is all anyone wants to hear. Yes. You just want to hear the show was good. Yes. He goes, really? And I said, yeah, it was really good.
Oh, wow.
It's really funny. And I'm a big fan. My favorite episode is Corpse Sniffing Dog, and he smiled. I got a smile on it. I love, because they were talking about callbacks on stage and how much they love callbacks. JB was saying how much he loves setting something up and you bring it back later. I love the end where he blows the dog whistle and the dog runs out. I love that. Was that Car Wash Cunt?
no oh that's a different one okay that's uh that's the fuck you your car wash same season okay okay but uh yeah we talked a little more and then the only the only hiccup we had okay a hiccup finally minor hiccup because i tell the agent i say get a picture like i want to ask so you say oh we should get a picture with you because he goes oh you're you know we talked a little about stan he goes you're a stand-up oh you got the stand-up yeah the agent goes there's a really funny stand-up we represent so he's like
So he was like, he smiled and he goes, where do you live? And I go, New York. And he kind of, he was friendly, but I also didn't want to overstay my welcome. So that was it. And then let's get a picture of you two. And right as he says that, a mouthful of hummus and celery. And he's like, and he just looked annoyed. I was like, ah, my moment, my moment.
But then he swallowed and then he smiled again. I got this.
Man, I feel like I licked his toes and you got to fuck him.
Yeah.
Man, oh man. Is there any chance it's the same agent?
It is the same guy.
The same exact person?
Who listened to us talking about it and felt horrible.
Good! You fucked me. I hope you feel bad. I had the dry run. You got the real show.
But I was in and out. And then the next night I'm at the Comedy Mothership and guess who's in the green room? Quentin Tarantino. Holy shit. Larry David Wednesday, Tarantino Thursday. Did you see him? Yeah, I got one laugh and then I walked out. Oh, that's great. Because he was talking Adam Egott's in there, Rogan's in there, Tony Hinchcliffe's in there.
And I don't want to... I'm just kind of listening because he's there with, you know, Joey did his podcast. Oh, cool. But... Yeah, I got one laugh, and then I was like, I'm out of here.
Can we hear it, or is it offensive?
Rogan said something about Jamal Khashoggi, you know, who got murdered in Saudi Arabia. Oh, right. Yeah, and I go, yeah, it turns out a journalist in Saudi Arabia, not a good job. Got a Tarantino laugh out of that.
Yeah.
Okay. Okay. Okay. I like that guy. But I just kind of stayed in the corner. And then you kind of see him. He's so energetic. Yes. Doing characters. He's doing a performance. He's doing a Joker impression. It was the worst impression I've ever heard. But it's Tarantino, so we're all just like, uh-huh. Yeah. You can tell how much we respect him by how much we're just being like, uh-huh. Sure.
Sure. He's a lot, I hear. But that's so cool. I mean, was he like, let me see your feet? I wish. He loves feet. I know. Not my feet.
He likes Margot Robbie's feet. Go from Margot Robbie's feet to these. Good point. What are you, catching salmon with those toes? It's got some talons over here. Sam Talon. And then I did Dr. Phil Live on Friday. Wow. What a week. Yeah, it was pretty fun. We FaceTimed you from the stage. Oh, yeah.
That was fun. It was a little choppy, unfortunately, because I was hiding in the broom closet of a comedy club in Rhode Island. So it was a little choppy, but we pulled it out.
We had a good time. Yeah, I mean, he sold out the round. Wow. Celebrity Theater in Phoenix. It was a hot show. We had A.I. Mark Norman come out.
Look how beautiful. Hey, look at Corolla's fat ass.
My ultimate father. Yeah. Who's that? Carolla and I got shit-faced. Really? Adam Carolla and I got fucking smashed.
How cool is that?
You and Loveline. There I am laughing.
That's great.
We'll be right back. What's Carolla's drink? He was drinking gin martinis. So we end up at this really cool bar. It's like a, I forgot what it's called, but you get to look up airplane bar in Phoenix. It's like set up to look like everyone's dressed like they're a stewardess or something.
And I mean, we were, I mean, all the comics made fun of me because they were like, you were in like a bear hug with Corolla for three hours. I was like, I'm fucked up.
Yeah, he'll keep you in. He's a talker.
Oh, yeah. He was unleashing some crazy childhood shit.
Oh, he's got trauma.
He's got trauma, for sure. Oh, that's just a little rabbit pellet. Oh, there's AI Mark Norman. There he is. It killed, dude. Really? Yeah, him coming out on the skateboard and then just going like... Being killed.
I don't get it. Jeremiah is so funny. He's so good at this.
It's crazy.
I love it. Some people are like, you're going to fight that guy? How crazy? I'm like, no, I think it's fun. It's an honor. Yeah, I'm into it. So keep going on, Jeremiah.
It makes me realize how much of a cartoon character you are.
Like the outfit, like it all kind of- It all works. It all works. Yeah, he's good at it. I mean, too bad he doesn't have his own act. But, you know, he's great at the, no, I'm just kidding. Jeremiah's the man, and he nails it. Everything he does, he kills.
Yeah.
So, wow, what a week. Celebrity Theater, Larry David, Quentin Tarantino, the mothership. I mean, you're all over.
We did a lot of fun stuff. And podcasts. We did some pods. How about you? How was Seven Shows in Providence, Rhode Island? Classic comedy club. Used to be a bank. Yes. And I love when you can tell it used to be a bank. Yeah, right. That's where the vault was.
Right. The green room is in the vault. They still got the big old metal door. But wait, let me run this by you. Did Tulane University on Tuesday, you went there.
About a year and a half, yeah.
Also known as Jew Lane. Yeah. I did some Hamas jokes. They were like, yeah! it's larry david's crowd basically uh then flew in to do a one-nighter with list in jersey got home at 1 a.m had a 7 a.m flight to nashville hell hell and uh the fumes are kicking in i'm like two lane to jersey to nashville because we can't say no i feel sick right now because i know keep moving
Well, it was Jelly Rolls roast. And I was like, ah, Whitney, Tony, Bert, Big J, Adam Ray. It was like a who's who. And I was like, I want to be a part of that. And you start thinking, I just got to get on a plane. All you got to do is sit with a suitcase. How hard can it be? But it's the waking up. It's the drinking. It's the no sleep. And so it was hell. But got to Nashville on no sleep. I'm.
Burning the midnight oil. Bert goes, you want to do Something's Burning? I can't say no. I go, let's do it. The roast is until 8. Who is it with? It was me and Big Jay.
That's fun.
And Bert got a big Airbnb. We made Nashville hot chicken. We started drinking immediately.
Did he nail it, too?
Yeah, he really killed it, actually.
It was good. Bert is a good cook.
He can cook if he don't mind no hand washing. Hey, speaking of no hand washing, that's a hell of a sandwich. This is who I want to see on the holidays. Howdy, sailor. Hey. Good to see you, man. You look great. Thanks, man. What are you, cut back on the sauce? Oh, no. You're good. You're good.
What an entrance. This is like the most depressing sitcom.
Here, here.
Whatever.
No, no. Just eating better. Good to see you, buddy. You too. Just eating better and testosterone. Oh, you're on the T? Yeah. Minimal exercise. Nice. Minimal exercise.
That was one of my jokes at the roast. We had Bert with no shirt on and Tony, and I said, no T to low T. Bombed. How was the... Well, I just... Jelly Rolls roast on Wednesday. Okay. Is the breath that bad?
It's like, I can't... No, but I can't like...
I'm turning like this way.
I see.
Sorry. Can we get it? We've got a frame on that. He's got a wide torso.
So you did Jelly Rolls?
Jelly Rolls Roasts. And it was a real who's who at Zany's. Sold out. Kid Rock is in the fucking rafters. And Cole Hauser, the guy from Westwood. Yellowstone. Yellowstone. That's it.
Yeah.
And it was like a lot of people there. And Jelly Rolls on stage. I... Was drunk from something's burning, and I didn't really prepare that much. I bombed my face off, and I had like a- Like straight wall-to-wall bomb? I got a couple chuckles on the bomb, like how bad I'm- This is going horribly. I got some save lines. You and Andy Kindler. Yes. That sucked. Look at me.
I'm trying to look at my notes. I'm drunk. That's after I went on. Is that his wife? That's his wife.
Okay. There's Jelly.
Never a good sign when you're looking at your notes after you go on. Because I'm like, where did I go wrong? I fucking died. I apologize to Jelly Roll. It's pretty humiliating. Because all your comic friends are on stage with you. Like, what's going on? What are you doing?
Did anybody else struggle?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. So it wasn't like it was you.
Who had the worst night of the night? I don't want to say. I would tell you if I didn't bomb that bad. But one guy had a real.
Okay. Can you say it and bleep it? I know who it is already. You already know. I was just trying to poke him.
You saw the deus. Oh, there's the guy from Yellowstone. No, honestly, I'm really, I don't know. Chris Porter killed, oh, what's Will Compton did better than me? He's an athlete. I'm going to point. He went undue, Will, from Bush. Yeah, yeah, he did great, actually. I'm going to point, but don't show it. Okay, I mean, I think you know.
Just say the name and he'll believe it. You got it.
He had a bit of a meltdown. But I had one of those bombs where... Sorry. Never mind. No, just saying.
No, I'm going to make it... No, no, no. Because if I say what I'm going to say, I'm going to start giving clues away.
Yeah.
Go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
He killed... He did a... He did Let Me Do What a Jelly Roll Song Every One of Them Is. And he sang it and it broke down his structure and it was great. Chris is amazing. He's so underrated. Chris Porter. Funny dude. Yeah.
Funny dude. Cool dude. And when he first came out, he looked like... He looked like a fucking hippie. Oh, yeah. He had, like, long hair and he would wear, like, bell bottoms and shit.
Yeah, that's right. He did a great bit about, like, you know, why the environment's fucked. It's because women won't bang guys who ride the bus. Oh, that's great.
That's a great angle.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, he's really funny. He did, um... Oh, it was on Fully Loaded. I was there when you guys weren't there, but the week I was on, Chris came and did one of the shows, and he, like, leveled. Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ, man. He's a pro. Yeah, he's awesome.
He had that old joke about drinking and smoking. Like, you don't have to drink when you smoke, but you got to smoke when you drink. It's kind of like how you don't have to pee. You can pee without shitting, but when you're shitting, you got to pee.
It's like Dirty Seinfeld.
I fucked it up, but it's a great analogy. That's amazing. He also looks like an ugly Willy Wonka. Is that Oakerson in the back there? Yeah, Oakerson. Let me give Oakerson, as the kids say, his flowers. Yeah. He didn't know it was a roast. He thought it was just like a happy birthday party. So he went up and winged it a la Patrice O'Neal at the Charlie Sheen roast. Really? And crud.
How did he wing it?
He was just completely honest. He's like, I didn't know this was a roast, but this is how I feel about Tony. This is how I feel about Whitney. This is how I feel about Jelly Roll. And it was crushing. Do you remember the lines? I don't. All I remember is Whitney had a tank top on. He goes, I know you just had a kid, but you brought the twins. That's all I can remember. All right.
Oh, Adam Ray crushed, too. Yeah. That's great.
By the way, people are going to do the math to figure out how this works. Oh, shit. You're right. He's going down the list. This guy was great. This guy was great. We haven't heard one name.
Whitney annihilated. Whitney might have had the best stuff. Burt said he flew with her from L.A. and she was writing the whole time. Six hours. So just, you know.
Well, Mark and I, just so you guys know, the 27th of December, Netflix roast of the year, whatever it's called. Mark and I, we might be making a huge mistake. Oh, this might be great. We're going to go up together and do like... We're going to do like a dark weekend update type thing. Yes. That's fun. I think we're going to work it out tonight at the cellar. We'll figure it out.
You said you got a ton of topical shit.
I got a ton. I need to organize it, but I got a lot of it. I got a lot, too. That's fun.
That's fun. What is it? It's the roast of the year. It's just like you roast the year.
Yeah. Diddy, Hoctua, Luigi.
Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Luigi. This fucking city.
I know. We got to talk about Luigi. Oh, I guess it's pretty topical.
100%.
From every angle. I mean, I called a bicycle, it's a cunt today. Guy almost hit me on his bike. Wow. I was a fucking cunt. Like, I'm paying $70 a day to park my fucking car. Yeah. It's just ridiculous. It's drizzling and cold. Yeah. But I was on DeStefano's pod yesterday and I was bitching about it. The guy who bailed on us today.
Yeah.
He's supposed to be here.
He's supposed to be here. Dirty guinea. He bailed this morning. I didn't even know he was coming because I didn't know you were coming. Matt wouldn't tell us the guest, so it was like a surprise.
Oh, you didn't know I was coming until I walked in? No. No, it was a sad sight.
God, you really... Didn't fucking... There was zero reaction.
You knew I was coming for days.
I found out today. I found out today because he told us that Chris... And I was like, well, who's coming? So we found out today. But yeah, Chris called me the other day. We talked on the phone for a while and he's like, can't wait to see you next week. So I was like, oh, great. So now I'm disappointed. Anyway, fuck you, Chris. His daughter's sick. Your partner doesn't work.
She could have carried the lifting. His daughter is definitely sick.
All right, I'm sorry. I hope she feels better. She puked on him yesterday. He told me yesterday he got puked on by his kid. So his daughter really is sick, so maybe it's bad. But I was bitching about how expensive this fucking... I was like, it's out of control. You're living in an airport at this point.
It's bad.
It's so expensive. I go, you know how expensive this fucking city is? The CEO that got murdered was staying in a Hilton.
It's so fucking ridiculous, the city's become.
That's hilarious.
That's great. You sell your soul to stay in a fucking airport hotel. Yeah. Damn.
Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's Vitor. Have you heard Vitor's bit? What did he say? About it? He's like, they went to his hotel room. They found no DNA. He's like, you go to my hotel room. There's DNA on the ceiling. Whatever.
That's funny. That's good. Funny take. That's funny. He's a funny kid, Dad. He's a good kid. Little Gary. So what's going on? We're not drinking? I thought the wisdom we drink.
He's in a bad way. I'm rough.
I'll have one.
Wait, are you sick, sick? Yeah, I've got COVID. No, no, no. Are you sick like you're hungover? Are you like sick? No, I'm run down. I've been like four cities. But you don't have like the flu. No. Oh, you just mean like you feel like shit. I'm with you. Like shit. All right.
It'd be nice if we got some eggnog.
I went a little fucking crazy these last two nights. My last show of the year was Saturday, and I came right from Somerville, Massachusetts to New York. Wow. And Sunday, basically, I was like, all right, Christmas has started. Let's go.
And I can feel it. I'm going to get sick when I go home. I knew it was coming. I saw my routing. I was like, I'm fucked.
But you can go right to your own bar. That's got to feel pretty good.
I went the last two nights. Wow. And I went both nights, like, close to close. And, like, just, you know, it's great. If you go in at that time, it's awesome. Because then you're like... You know, you take it over. Yeah. It's just fucking, you know, they'll obviously stay open late for me. Sure, sure. You know, it's just me and the, you know, whoever I'm with, my boys.
Did they give you a better reaction than we did when you walk in? Much better. Oh, shit.
Much, much better. A lot of it's I feel like shit. I am very happy to see you.
I'm happy to see you, too. Yeah.
Yeah.
Speaking of parties and party, whatever, I didn't get fucking invited to the Bodega Cat thing. You were out of town. I got no invite. You weren't here. I wasn't, but still. Well, you were in Philly. We knew you were in Philly.
Yeah, we knew you weren't there.
Maybe.
would take the trip maybe i don't know you never know well we'd love to have you i love a party make an awesome first impression with chubbies their flannel over shirt looks like a flannel but feels like a fleece so it'll take you from picking out christmas tree to watching hallmark movies on the couch everything chubbies makes is ridiculously comfortable and will have you looking and feeling great yeah these are comfy i mean not just their shirts but i love the pants they look good they fit well
I wear them all the time. I get compliments on them. People are like, where do you get those pants? And I say, go to fucking Chubby's, you idiot.
Yeah, love Chubby's.
Whether you're buying for yourself or giving a gift, Chubby's has what you need this winter. Go to their website for the best deals of the year. It's comfy. It looks good. It's a great combo. Our friends at Chubby's are giving our listeners 20% off with code DRUNK20 at checkout. Chubby'sShorts.com. That's 20% off your order with code DRUNK20. Support the show and tell them we sent you.
This holiday season, gift yourself and your loved ones Chubby's.
Oh, yeah. We might be joined by Shopify. You've got an online shop, but it's not working for you. Switch to Shopify and have a stress-free experience. Nobody does selling better than Shopify, their number one checkout on the planet. They've even got ShopPay that allows your customers to save their payment and shipping info and boost conversions up to 50%. Businesses that sell more...
Sell on Shopify. That's all there is to it. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Jim Shark uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash drunk, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash drunk to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com. Slash drunk. This is for you. Happy holidays. Oh, baby. Hey, guys. What do you got there, brewskis? All the brewskis. Whoa.
North Pole, ice cold. All right. I'll take a big old sip.
We got a plate of rugula.
Oh, who to who?
Rugula.
Rugula. Rugula. Rugula. Rugula. Okay. Okay, thank you. Where did you just come from? The North Pole. How you doing there? That's a Jewish Santa. I thought that was stop.
I thought that was stop for a minute.
We couldn't get stop, so this is... Happy holiday. Oh, what's in the sack there?
Presents.
Good boys and girls. Oh, you sound like P. Diddy. Nice. Do we really get a present?
Yes.
All right. All right. We'll break them out, Sam. And hand me a roogala, will you there, Jew face? Look at this guy.
He just takes out a ghost gun and shoots us. Is he a fucking present, you piece of shit?
Oh, thank you there, Jojo. I'll take one. I thought you said a roogala.
It was like lettuce. I was like, wait, what? What do you call this? Ruggala. Ruggala. Thank you. Merry Christmas. Let's see what I got here. Oh, it's a bag to the party. Come on. You're just giving me their swag? I thought we had real presents.
Oh, hey, thank you.
I could have got this if it wasn't Christmas. That's true.
We got to give you something. Thank you. Want some Ruggala? No. What is it? I don't know what it is. A Jewish foreskin.
That's what they do with it. Yeah. They fill it with chocolate. Good, dude. It looks good. I'm just not in the mood for sweets.
Get this man a whiskey. Thank you. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Happy holidays.
You don't have any eggnog. What kind of beer is it?
It's Travis Kelsey's beer. Garage beer.
Nah, I might do a whiskey or something.
I'll do a couple swigs of the Travis Kelsey horse piss. You guys have any bourbon?
Because you guys only make rye, right?
We got a ton of bourbon.
We got bourbon.
We got tequila. We got vodka.
Can I have a bourbon on the rocks? What happened? Do you usually have a bartender in here? What's going on? This operation's falling apart. Christmas holiday. He took off. Stefano didn't show up.
He was shot. Stefano, that was hurtful. Yeah. And no Giannis either? Giannis bailed too, apparently? Yeah.
Wait, who was texting me? Was that you, Sal? Peters. Oh, Peters. He texted me at like 1230. He was like, please tell me you're still coming. They're dropping off like flies, man. Everybody's canceling. I was like, yeah, I'm coming, man. We did this around the real holidays. What the hell? I think I did your last Christmas show. Yeah, you're definitely a Christmas guest.
Yeah, it was me and Gillis, wasn't it? And Attell? Oh, yeah. Then we went to fucking, that's the night we went to Jack's or whatever the fuck it's called. No, Homestead.
Yeah, we got fucking lit.
We got the Jew, we need the Grinch.
By the way, we had another big guest bail last minute. Who? It was going to be a big surprise. He was going to come out of a box. The Rizzler bailed on us today. No, he didn't.
He did, so I brought my kid. He's not fat enough.
Why did the Rizzler bail?
Oh, the Rizzler bailed?
Why did the Rizzler bail? Homework? I don't know. Maybe he got shot. Oh, who's the Rizzler? Stand by. Who's the Rizzler?
Boy, you've been living in a cave there. Who the hell is the Rizzler?
That guy? The fat kid. Pull up him rapping so we understand. This kid, come on. His feet don't hit the floor. Wait, this kid was going to come? Yes.
Thanks, man.
Thank you for being here. Now, you're known for the Riz face.
This kid's getting laid like you wouldn't believe. I heard he fucked Kate Beckinsale.
Guys, what is this world? You get a 12-year-old influencer on Fallon. This is insane.
He's that big. Thank you.
Pull up a picture of me with him. All right, yeah.
Sam's a huge fan. Yeah, the Tonight Show used to have, like, Jack Nicholson and Sinatra on it. This is fucking crazy. I know. He's got his own Bitcoin. Oh, my God.
Look at that little fucking nugget. That's great. This guy stood us up. This is rough. He's pretty big.
You know what? This definitely was one thing, but the Rizzler is a star. Yeah.
Yeah, true. That is fucking tough. Man, we had Jay-Z, too, but he's gotten some trouble.
So he was going to bring the Rizzler out of it. We would have opened a gift and the Rizzler would have popped out of a box and done the Rizz thing.
It would have been the best Christmas ever. You should have told him about the candy we had. Yeah.
He would have showed. The Ruggala and the cookies. Yeah, the Ruggala. That's wild. Yeah, no, I was asking all these because you never know. There's a lot of these kids on the internet. Andy Milonakis, that type of thing. Yeah, you think it's like a kid and he's like, I'm 47. Yeah. I have a rare condition.
The Benjamin Buttons.
If a pedophile gets a guy like that, do you think he feels worse, or is he like, thank God?
I think that's their trans. They're like, oh, I got pulled the rug out.
I think you're right. Wait, if what happened? If a pedo gets one of those fake kids, are they upset, or are they kind of like, I dodged a bullet?
No, I think they're probably upset. Yeah, I think the danger is half of what it is with pedophiles. It's well with most sex offenders of any kind.
because like Cosby was a great example I always said about Cosby I was like I don't understand like he's so rich why wouldn't he just tell a woman what he's into yeah I'd be like look sign this thing that says you know I'm gonna drug you and if you're into it then you drink this you're gonna pass out I'm gonna bang you sure but if you're like no that's that's not what he gets off on he gets exactly yeah so interesting you know
Yeah, because he could get laid, obviously.
He was America's dad. Did you ever see Little Children? Did you ever see that movie? No. It's a very disturbing movie. Well, it's got disturbing parts. Overall, it's not terrible. Okay, pull it up. But anyway, that's the movie that Jackie... Remember the kid, the guy Jackie Haley was in the Bad News Bears? He made that weird comeback? Yes, yes. This was the movie that he got nominated for. Whoa!
But he pays a pedophile in it. And one of the things he says to this woman who's of age is, like, you're not going to tell on me, right? You're not going to tell on me. Because, like, that's part of, like, what they get off on. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, it's our secret, you know. Sure. All that shit, so.
Oh, dude, I just read this book. Let me make sure I remember the name so I can write. This is a hard wreck right here. Big time wreck. It's called A Murder in Hollywood, The Untold Story of Tinseltown's Most Shocking Crime. Casey Sherman. Lana Turner, man. She dated the worst fucking people on the planet. This actress, it's about like Mickey Cone and this gangster John Stimpanato.
One of the guys she dates, I forgot his name, it's Lex something. He was a movie star back then. He's raping her daughter. Oh. For two years behind her back from she was 10 to 12. Wow. And he didn't even get in trouble for it. What? How did he get in trouble? He got away and it was kind of like, I don't know, she was a bad mom on top of it. I mean, she also...
She was dating this gangster, John Stumpinato, and he beat the shit out of her for, like, years. Crazy story about this. This gangster's beating the crap out of her. He's jealous. He's like Mickey Cone's guy. He's super dangerous. Jesus. But, you know, they would trick people, Mickey Cone and Stumpinato. They would videotape celebrities in compromising positions, and they would blackmail them.
So you get, like, Cary Grant maybe doing some gay shit. Woo! And you're like, we'll end your career. Right. So anyway, she's shooting a movie in, I think, England. And the young star is Sean Connery. Oh. Who's like, holy shit. This is like his big break. Yeah. But no one knows who the fuck he is. But this gangster's jealous. They're like, wow, the rumors are hooking up. Oh.
And he's like, I'm going to kill this guy. So he just walks up to Connery, puts a gun to his fucking chest, and goes, I don't want to see you on the set again. Connery grabs the gun. knocks him onto the ground, punched him in the face, and the guy ran away. I'm like, holy shit, Sean Connery, man.
Wow, nice to hear he didn't hit a woman.
Yeah, that crazy interview. Have you ever seen when he doubles down on it? Yes, I love it. He interviews him like five years later. He's like, I haven't changed my mind.
Yeah. He's a badass in every way.
Pull up the guy's name who was molesting Lana Turner. I want to make sure we know his fucking name. So I'm, you know.
Yeah. He's Scottish. Scots don't fuck around.
Lex something. Lana. Just put Lex Lana Turner. I forgot. I feel. Yeah, I should know.
I did a gig in Glasgow and there was a stabbing like right outside my theater. Really? Scotland's wild.
John Stampinato.
No, that's not. That's a gangster. Stampinato. Yeah, Scotland is kind of nuts. Oh, yeah. Everybody's really nice, but there's a really wild side to it. It's like Ireland. Everybody's nice, but then there's this wild side. Totally. The sun goes down. People start going fucking crazy.
Yeah, yeah, big stabby, big drug place.
Yeah, dude, I was in Ireland in Galway, and I was in an Uber, and this guy was like, he was wasted. He was like swerving all over the place or whatever. The driver? Yeah. Oh, wow. And then the next night, I was in another Uber, and I was talking to the Uber driver, and he's like, you know, have you enjoyed your stay? You getting around town okay?
And I go, well, my Uber driver last night, I think he was drunk. He was swerving everywhere. And he goes, no, we don't do that anymore. But he said it like, yeah, that's just how we used to roll. He was like, but we try not to do that.
Well, dude, you're from New Orleans.
You know how the hell that goes. Yeah.
Those cab drivers would be just having like a fucking daiquiri or something, you know? Are you serious? They do to-go cocktails. Yes. What do you think that's for? It's not just for walking. People pull up and like, yeah, I'll have a...
Oh, a pina colada. The street in my town, the main street where I have my house, in the summertime, it starts on Memorial Day and it goes until, I think, like Halloween. Every weekend, 6 p.m., road is shut down. You can't drive down it until Monday morning. Whoa. Open container. Bars all have carts outside. They're selling jello shots in the street. It's fucking awesome. That's great.
It's awesome. Yeah. It's this quaint little beautiful street. Sure. And they're just like, let's party. It's the summertime. Let's go. It's so fucking fun.
COVID was like that. Remember COVID was in New York. They're like, fuck it. Drink outside. That's when they started doing it. Oh, there you go.
And the town kept it. You know what would have been a real party? If the Rizzler showed up.
In a box. I mean, what do you do with him, though, after he makes the face one time? You got to sit here and talk to the kid. You have to. What do you do?
What other option do you have?
That's what the subway guy did. Guys who are so bad at kids, they don't know what else to do. Yeah.
I mean, could there be anything worse than a kid with money? I mean, could you imagine the attitude on this fucking kid? I mean, Richie Rich. Look at the way he was sitting on Fallon. I know. He looked like he deserved to be there. She's like, yeah, of course I'm fucking here. That's a good point. You always lose a star.
That's going to come and go. He's going to get young diabetes, and he's going to fizzle out.
He's going to age well, man. Fuck you. Is that his family next to him? Of course. No, it's the Costco family. Yeah, he's the star. The Rizzler's the big dog. What's the Costco? Get him wrapped. I'll bring up Costco next. Pull up his holiday wrap, dude. Don't act like the Rizzler. DeRosa, you wrap. Don't act like the Rizzler doesn't have bars here. Pull up his holiday rap.
He's got one move.
I don't know. I don't know. He's got range, dude.
All right. Is this directed by a homeless pimp? I think it is. No?
How many views does this have?
All right. 69K. Who's that guy?
Who's the other guy? Who'd be playing this in the club, dude? I mean, this is why the terrorists hate us. Can you imagine Al Qaeda watching this? This guy looks like the shooter.
He does!
No, I want to hear Riz rap. Yeah, get to the Riz. Is this copywritten?
Come on, Riz.
This kid's fucking hotter women than all of us. That's the worst part about it. How old is he, 12? No. With that much charisma? Please.
What the fuck does that mean?
What's that mean? What? The UK? Third grade, so he is eight. Wait, what did he say? Wakanda versus UK? I'll see. Anyone else hard?
That was a good line. All right.
No, I like it.
That's a good line. Light up the block. Call me Clark Griswold. That's a good line.
He doesn't even know who Griswold is.
No. He's DeRosa approved already. No. DeRosa wanted to hate the Rizzler, but even he can't resist his charm. Yeah, he's a kid. He's a nice kid.
He's got to watch out, though. He sounds like Marlon Brando in the later years. He's got the fat guy throat thing going on.
You come to my house, you don't bring a Snickers?
The snizzler. I love this kid. He's all right. He's all right.
Do you think we get homeless pimp shot? I think so.
What?
Yeah, I told you.
Get Pimp on the phone. Will we get him at a later date? He'll come in. I'm going to call it with the fat jokes. He's going to have secret service. Fat jokes? You're making diddle jokes about him. That's not real. The fat is real. He's a cute kid. You can sit right here.
Who is Eric D. Alessandro? I don't know. But I mean, look, this guy's not huge. He's got 30,000 subscribers. Dude, did you see? He put up his song with Kendrick. I'm kidding.
I think he went after Schultz, the Rizzler.
So Eric's a comic. Oh, no.
He looks familiar. He's in New York.
He does look familiar. I guess, you know, we've probably done shows with him somewhere.
Man, big, big week for WAPs. This guy, the shooter, Salacus.
That guy's got, he's on a different diet than the Rizzler, though.
Oh, yeah.
How do you have time to get shredded and write a manifesto?
I know.
That's a lot.
To be that angry?
It's wild. So they found his manifesto? Three pages, handwritten. Had it on him. It's only three pages?
Handwritten.
I thought a manifesto was like single-spaced.
It's a little short. But hey, ChatGBT wrote most of it. Now, he's still only suspected, right? Oh, it's got to be him. You know? They got the ghost gun.
Some people were saying he didn't, you know, because the eyebrows are a little more connected a few days later. But guess what? As someone with eyebrows like that, if you don't bring tweezers on the road, they are going to fucking look like that.
You got to pluck. So the rumor is he had a back issue, and that's what turned him. Because the medical, they wouldn't help him with his back.
I think I got a joke angle on this. Okay. For our thing. Yeah. Okay. Something along the lines of, yeah, that's not. That went viral.
Who's that?
That's the guy who reps Tommy DeVito on the Giants. He's like that Italian agent. Oh, that's hilarious.
Look at this guy. He's perfect. But yeah, Antonio Brown stole your tweet. Yeah, whatever. I texted you. He's got bigger problems. Yeah, he's a wild one. Great follow, but he's a wild dude.
He stole one of your tweets? I guess. Norman told me. I didn't know.
I mean, if you roll through, he tweets like 38 times a day, but if you roll through Twitter.
Do you think it's actually him?
I think so, because they're deranged and erratic as he is. Pull up Antonio Brown Twitter. AB.
Yeah, that, like, internet culture, it's like... Whoa! You all right, buddy?
That was a Rizzler. He's no Rizzler. It's wild. We would have felt that.
Like YouTubers that only ever did YouTube, like just professional YouTubers, that's their only thing. It's weird. They just steal from each other. I know. They're just fine with it.
It's like comics in the 50s.
Yeah. It's really odd.
Hey, is that Caitlin Klar? Mm-hmm. All right. Good for her. All right. Keep going. Keep going. Just keep going until you see Sam's tweet. Oh. Keep going.
He tweets a lot.
I'm telling you, he's nutty. Funny guy, though, but what a wacko. What do you mean? He just took the tweet? Yeah. Yeah. It didn't credit you either.
I mean, I'm not expecting. He's got bigger shit. What's going on with him? I don't follow anything. CTE. He's got some.
There it is. Boom.
Calling on behalf of my client. Same joke. Fuck off. Sorry. I know he's a monster and he's going to kill me, but this is bullshit. I heard NFL memes did this to you too. Yeah, whatever.
I think he just sees shit on the internet and puts it up. I don't even know if he's like.
Yeah, he's got CTE, dude. He's got bigger problems. You know, it's like.
So does Jason Kelsey. Hell of a beer. And he's also a maniac that will beat people up?
I think he's a maniac.
I don't know anything. He was like accusing Tom. He was like saying Giselle tried to fuck him to Tom Brady. Whoa. Oh, Jesus Christ. Tom Brady like took him in. Tom Brady like revitalized his career and got him, you know. He was also supposed to be on today, but he canceled.
Wait, Tom Brady's the guy they just roasted, right? Yeah. Goddamn. Man, you really don't watch sports. No, not at all. Like, literally not at all. The only time I watch is if the Eagles... are in the Super Bowl or get to the game right before the Super Bowl, whatever that game is.
Okay, the playoffs?
By the way, I do have to mention this really quickly. Who the hell is the Rizzler's handler that they were going to book him on a show called We Might Be Drunk? Oh, yeah.
I was going to say, it's probably his family, right? Yeah, all right. Was his dad going to come, or did he just send the kid? Yeah.
I've met the dad at the game. The dad seems at least like, I mean, I don't know.
They're a nice family.
Yeah.
It's good. I don't want to shit on it too much. Good people. People really seem to care. So I texted Shane today. He sent me some tires updates.
Okay.
And pretty cool stuff you guys got coming up in season two. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was fun, man. Yeah, I worked on it. You know, I wrote on it and then snuck in. Hell, yeah. I don't know if I'm – I guess I can talk about it. Yeah. I don't know. Might have snuck on camera.
Well, you always find a way. Yeah. You're like, what's that guy doing now? I think he's homeless. No, wait. Look at that. Headline news. He's riding on some huge show.
It was right. It was funny because it was like, not right after, but it was, I guess I'd bought my house in Pennsylvania.
year ago and I was last June I stole my apartment in New York and I was going back and forth and I was like I think I'm gonna get rid of this apartment and just you know when I come to New York I'll get a hotel or something I don't want to just carry this apartment anymore and then I got that job and it was in Philly huge it was just kind of like all right I guess that my mind's made up the decision got made for me but you know it was fun yeah it was fun it's fun working with Shane like he's
They're all great, but I mean, Shane is really like, especially like... I'd never shot anything with him. I'm like, God damn it, he's so funny. He's a talent. The shit he's riffing, I'm like, Jesus Christ, man. Take after take and keeps changing it. It's getting funnier and funnier and funnier.
Well, his mind is great for sketch. We forget that. We're so stand-up oriented, like joke, joke, joke, tag. And he's got both. He's got the sketch and the stand-up.
Yeah, yeah.
It's pretty impressive.
It was fun, man. You had some cool people on the show in season two, too. Woo! I said Thomas Hayden Church joined us. Oh, he's great. He was the fucking man. He was the man. And I was a huge... This is wild. I was a huge fan of his. There he is. You know, I love Sideways. Who doesn't love Sideways, right?
I'm a Wings fan.
Wings. He's in one of my favorite horror movies ever. I'm a huge horror movie fan. He was in a horror movie called Demon Knight. It was a Tales from the Crypt movie. And he's in it. So we're on set. But I wasn't in scenes with him, but he was there. And I kept seeing him walking by and stuff, like as we were shooting. And I was like...
I want to fucking tell him so bad how much I love Demon Knight, but I don't want to look like a fanboy on set or whatever. Yeah, but that's a deep cut. So I'm in line for lunch. I haven't met him yet. I'm in line for lunch. There's a guy standing behind me. The guy behind me goes, what do they have up there, steak? And I turn and it's him. And I go, oh, yeah, they got steak.
And I go, hey, man, I'm Joe. Really nice to meet you. And he goes, yeah, man, I know who you are. I listen to The Bonfire. He's like, I love you guys. And I was like, whoa.
I go, wait, what? Whoa.
And he's like, I love The Bonfire. Yeah, you guys are great, man. And he's like, I really want to come to the Wells Fargo show. Shane did. I'm really bummed I missed you guys. And I was like... And so then we start talking, and he's like mid-sentence five minutes later, and I go, I'm sorry, I gotta cut you off. It's blowing my fucking mind right now that you know who the fuck I am.
Because all I wanted to do all day was tell you how much I love Demon Knight. Yeah. And he goes, ah, you're the one. I wish there was a million more of you motherfuckers. There you go. This guy's awesome, man. I can't believe anyone listened to Bonfire. It's a horror movie. Sorry. A horror movie about, wait, what'd you say?
I just said I can't believe anyone listened to Bonfire.
By the way, he said the full title. He goes, I listened to the bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly. He said the whole title. I got out of the stoner years. Demon Knight, it's a horror movie about this guy is a demon. And this event happens every X amount of years where if he does all the right stuff and they don't stop him, demons will take over the earth and blah, blah, blah, blah.
So it's about the people that are in the house trying to fight him and prevent it from happening. And, you know, it's fun. It's super fun.
Now, what's lunch like over there on the set? How's that work? You know, it's food and you eat it. They give catering and everything? Yeah, yeah. Wow, so this is like a big, real shoot.
Yeah, it's a Netflix TV show. The first one they did is small, but this is like, yeah, they picked it up. That's impressive.
It was still, I mean this in a good way, it still felt like an indie movie. Okay, good. It was still loose. It wasn't insane. But yeah, no, but full craft services and stuff. And there was these two ladies every day. And me and Stav and Shane would laugh about it every day because they'd come around with this cart in between meals in case you were hungry in between. Oh, yeah.
And me and Stav were always like, get that fucking cart away from me right now. Because it was never, it was always like, hey guys, we've got cheese steaks. Hey guys, anybody want an Italian hoagie? Please, lady, I'm trying to live somewhat decently. Oh, by the Rizzler? Take it easy. She came around one day with Chick-fil-A. She had mountains of Chick-fil-A. It was insane. Wow. They were awesome.
You can't eat that shit and then do stuff. That, too. That was part of it, too. Chick-fil-A is fucking good.
But it's weird they do that on sets. It's like, hey, you're a hot celebrity guy or gal. Here's M&M's and craft service and shit.
Well, I wouldn't say the cast of Tires is hot guys. Wow, that's true. That's true. They look like guys who eat cheesesteaks.
Put on like Melrose Place or Hot Boy Island or Fuck Boy Dead or whatever it is.
Do they have this guy going around with the cheesesteak? I think on those sets it's way more like somebody's coming around with like, we made guacamole. And salad. Yeah, whatever, right? Got it, got it. Okay.
Hey, good for Shane. I didn't know he had a lunch lady.
I remember I did Louie, and Louie, there was a guy, because this was shot a lot like Louie's. Louie's the same thing. It was very like, it felt like an indie movie. Yeah.
You had a great scene that you were the punch-up guy, right?
That was fun, yeah. That was hilarious. Thanks, man. That was fun.
Oh, yeah, that was a big deal.
The line, my favorite line didn't make it into the show because I couldn't get through it without laughing because he was like feeding me lines to say. And he goes, Joe, I want you to say he literally just was like he threw the camera on me. And immediately he goes, Joe, I want you to say, do they validate parking? Because the fat cunt out front says they don't. And I couldn't. It was too much.
He fed it to me. And I was like, I was laughing so hard. That's a great. It was fun. Yeah. The fat cunt. He's another guy who can just riff gold. Oh, yeah. He had a lady walk. Oh, that's what I was going to say. He had a lady walking around with a tray and it just had a bowl of guacamole and chips. Like, you just walk up to this lady holding the tray and eat guacamole.
It was kind of odd. You were also in Better Call Saul. I was. You had a good run.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, you know, I'm hanging on somehow. Yeah, you can act, too. You're a good actor. Yeah, well, thank you. Well, I mean, I'd like to get a real acting job. Oh, you would? I'd like to get something where there's consistency. The one thing I got ever where I was going to really be on the show, like almost every episode, was this multicam called Living Biblically. Hmm.
And I played the like office lech, like the what's that word? You know, I was like the horny guy. The creep. Yeah. The Lothario. That's the one. I played the office Lothario. Oh, wow. And I was kind of the heel to Jay, the main character, who was a guy that was trying to live his life by the Bible. And anyway, I got we were it was at CBS and Is that Tony Rock? Yeah, Tony Rock was in it.
Dave Krumholtz. It was fun. My friend Pat Walsh created it and he's my podcast partner. The bald guy's in Frasier. Yeah. Anyway. There were these female executives at CBS, and they never once would smile at me. They were never nice to me. I couldn't figure it out. Andy Ackerman, who directed it... From Seinfeld. Yeah, would tell me... He's like the Scorsese of sitcoms.
He directed, like, Cheers, Frasier, so it's nuts. Anyway... He would tell me, he'd be like, yeah, we just had a meeting with the network. I'm like, they fucking hate your character. They said you're not likable. And he said to them one day, he goes, oh, he's not likable? Then I guess we did our fucking job. He's not supposed to be likable. He's the bad guy. He's the heel.
And they were just hammering, hammering, hammering, whatever. And then we shot the pilot. It went great. I was a huge part of the pilot. The story revolved around my character. And then they cut the character two weeks before it went to series. You're playing a douche. Well, I couldn't figure it out. And then guess what? Me Too happened. Ah. Les Moonves, head of CBS comedy, went down hard.
And I was like, that's why they hated this character. Wow.
Because he raped.
You couldn't play a bad dude.
Well, it was their boss. I know.
I know. But you're not raping. No, no, but I think they were like, this is a little, we don't like this. On the nose? Yeah. A little on the nose. Damn. Like out of resentment towards Moonves.
You know what I mean? But get mad at the character, not you. Like if you played a murderer, they would have loved you. That's the irony.
Theoretically. I mean, I never got that explanation. That's my theory.
They're still keeping like Law and Orders on. Yeah, exactly. Different network, but you know my point. Oh, the show was canceled mid-season. Ah, right. You got out easy. I guess with comedy, they're weirder about that shit. They are. When it's like open and shut, like a police procedural, and they're like, well, you're arrested for being bad, as opposed to a guy doing it for laughs.
They get weird.
Because you're making light of it, I guess, maybe? Because rappers say fucked up shit and women are singing along at the club.
It's wild, dude, because you forget. Keep going. Keep doing it. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. All right. I'm having a good time. No, you forget. It was right before Me Too. And now when I look back at the show, I'm like, you would never write a character like this on a show. No. Ever.
You'd never be like, let's have a guy that constantly cheats on his wife and brags about it and describes the sex on a multicam sitcom. You'd be like, what are you nuts? They won't let that go on. Yeah. And it's like it changed so drastically.
Right. In a matter of months. That's true. Barney on what's that show? How I Met Your Mother. His whole thing was like, I'm going to see how many girls I can fuck in a night. Yeah. Even though he was a gay guy in real life. But he was like, you watch that show now, you're like, damn, this guy's a poonhound.
I bet that softened it, though. They were like, well, he's gay.
Probably, but I didn't know he was gay when I was watching it.
Well, on the new season of Frasier, like the reboot. Yeah. He goes back. There's an episode where he goes back to Seattle and goes back to the radio station and Bulldog is there. Bulldog was the character that would like slap chicks on the ass. It was wild. Again, you couldn't do it today. But they had the greatest style for it. Bulldog goes, Doc, guess what? I'm gay. Ah, that is a good solve.
Yeah, and Frazier goes, that's amazing, Bulldog. So all of that horrible behavior that you subjected those poor women to was just you repressing who you really were. And he goes, no, no, I still do it. I just do it to dudes now. I was like, that's a perfect solve. Beautiful out. Yeah, don't rewrite the character. Don't make him have a moment where he's like, I've learned. Yeah. Just like, no.
Just make him a piece of shit in a different way.
Didn't Kevin Spacey do that when they popped him with the kids? He was like, but I'm gay.
He tried to be like, yeah, I had a hard time dealing with being gay, so I had to tackle a 14-year-old. Yeah, the Rizzler. Pecker, whatever he did.
Yeah, yeah. That's kind of pretty insulting to gay people. They're like, you're such a someone underage. I'm gay. Yeah. Not what gay is.
Well, gay people came out when Kevin Spacey did that. They were like, fuck you. Oh, wow. This isn't like your scapegoat, you know?
Yeah, it was shitty. It's a gay scapegoat. Anyway. Anyway, we have been trying to book Kevin Spacey on the podcast, we should say. He's a talented actor. Have you really been trying to get him? We would love to get Spacey.
You'll get him in two seconds. He's doing Comic-Cons now. No. What the hell? But there was pay. Well, you know, you guys could pay. Maybe you cover an Uber. We cover Ubers.
You know?
And a regular. $40 in each direction to get to this fucking thing. We got you. Christ almighty. That's true. You hate to have to ask. You just offer. He offers. He offers. Do you not offer? Where are you going after? We'll give you a ride. I'm busting balls, Scott. Okay. I'm just joking with you. I will take the Ubers. Oh. But I'm busting balls. No, do you know how many podcasts? It's wild.
I've been really thinking about this lately. That don't Uber you? That don't Uber you, don't offer. You're like, guys, I'm spending money. I know. To come do the thing. Exposure. Have somebody just be like, hey, we got you.
Yes. You know what I mean? Or at least help me out. Like you ever go to one in Austin and you're like outside of a warehouse? Get a guy out there going, hey, here it is.
Or call me or something.
That just happened to me. Yeah, like they just expect you to get there and figure it out. But there's like all these warehouses look the same. You know, they're like suites.
Yeah.
Yeah, they're hard to find. So help me out.
Yeah, yeah. It's the, I can't tell you.
Well, Segura will put you in a hotel. He'll send you over. Segura gets it. Yeah. But he's a man of.
He's a man of money. Of means, yeah, yeah. Remind me to tell you a story after. Ooh. Yeah. All right, all right.
I got to trash you, by the way. Speaking of travel peeve. Please. I was just in Cleveland and they send a car to take you to the airport in the morning. But the car just like the second time it's happened to me with the same company in Cleveland. They just don't show up. And, you know, they're like, I'm like 1030 flight. But like, yeah, you're right there. Get it for 930. I'm like, are you sure?
Because, you know, like 930, you're fine. They're not fucking there. Yeah. So luckily I have a number. I go, yeah, where are you? And they're like, yeah, we're not. We're not here. We'll be there in a second. Sorry about that. And I go, I've got a flight. Yeah. You know, at an airport. Yeah. And the guy goes, we're working on it. Have a blessed day. Oh.
And I said, eat shit. And I hung up.
Did they show up? Yeah, they showed up, but it took forever. I made the flight. Barely. But also, like, don't bring your fucking religious horse shit into a service. Yes. This is a service that I'm paying for. I'm not, but it's part of the gig. Yeah.
But also, too. It's so passive-aggressive. It's so dismissive. It's very dismissive. How condescending is that? Condescending is that. It's like, I'm going to turn your grievance into me being the bigger person and wishing you a spiritual whatever the fuck. Exactly.
Have a blessed day is Midwest. Go fuck yourself. That's true. It's not even like, I hope you have a good day. Blessed is insane.
I know, they're making it a religious thing. I can't grab your wife's tits and be like, praise Allah. You know, it's not the same. It doesn't save it.
It's a real... I've been really obsessed with... That's a good out. Praise Allah. Part of my faith.
That's not the religion.
Wait a second. Well, tell her to stop driving.
No, I've just been really hung up on this thing lately about like how it's just such a take it or leave it culture anymore.
Yeah. You know? I had this one. It's just, yeah. This on the train today. Well, first of all, two things I want to run by you. On the train today, I got on the train and I go, it's an N. So I don't know if it's local or express. Sometimes they go back and forth like a bisexual. And I go, is this local? And I do the thing where I jump on. I go, is this local or express? One guy goes, it's express.
It's express. And I go, OK. Then another guy goes, no, no. It's local. Local. And I was like, ugh. But the local guy looked more put together. And the express guy looked like shit. So I went with the local. So I got on. And it was express. And I go, what the hell, man? And he goes, pfft.
Yeah. The successful guy got further because he just is confident. I think you're right. That is true.
The shell guy looked like hell, but he was right.
That's true. But he's on those fucking trains all day.
Yes, you're right. I should have gone by that.
I apologize. I didn't react stronger to that. But I was honestly, as you were telling the story, thinking about how bad I felt for both of you that I'm the only person that showed up today. Like, this is a real. Yeah. What the hell are you? Didn't we have another guest?
But this is just. She's coming. She's always late. Who is it? This guest. Rachel Einstein? She's always late.
Always late. Yeah, but this 33 minutes late. What the hell?
That's how she does. What? Oh. Well, I mean, it's pointless now. I got to end the show at some point. We're going to wrap it up. But we're happy to have you. I'm glad your bar is here because it keeps you coming back to New York.
Yeah, yeah. No, I'm happy to be here, and I'm happy that you're happy I'm here. We are happy.
But it is very sad. It is sad. It is a sad holiday. You guys are in pajamas. I know. This is like when you dress up for a bomb. It's like if Eddie Murphy did Raw and it didn't go well.
Oh, yeah, exactly.
This is pathetic.
I keep looking at my ass.
The fact that I know we could have had the Rizzler is such a blow to the gut.
Shouldn't have told me that. Charlie told all of his friends he was meeting the Rizzler. I even told my bully. You hate to hear that for the kid. Yeah.
You hate to hear that for the kid. Oh, I got another peeve. Oh, Photoshop. When people in emails, they write something annoying and then write, thanks for understanding. Ooh. I didn't say understood. Yeah, good point. You're assuming I understand. Right. How about you say, sorry. Yes. Thanks for understanding is a fuck you.
Sorry goes a long way. It's ridiculous. I bought these shirts from a... It's not real vintage, but it was a thing I saw on Instagram where the shop made convincingly looking vintage shirts or whatever. They were new shirts, but they weathered them. They aged them. They were faded. They looked great. So I ordered three of them. They also said they were true to size. So there are three larges.
They show up. The largest fit like literally like double XLs.
Oh, boy.
They're on the cheapest fucking solid black T-shirts. You can imagine. It's just this shit weather design printed. Like, I got this at fucking Old Navy. And this looks more convincingly.
They're selling Misfits shirts?
Yeah, isn't that crazy? That's wild. Isn't that crazy? Kind of ruins the brand. Yeah, the band that has a song where he goes, I got something to say, I killed your baby today.
I love that song.
Yeah, there's a t-shirt at Old Navy right now. I raped your mother. Yeah, anyway. That's wild. So I write to them and I go, guys... The shirts are completely misrepresented on your website. They do not look like you made them look. These are bad designs printed on cheap t-shirts. I want a refund. Three different people. I had to write three times. Three different fucking people.
It's actually kind of like the thing with the insurance guy. Deny whatever the fuck. Dismiss. DeRosa in an oversized hoodie. Yeah, yeah. Dude, they kept writing me. They'd be like, we're sorry you're not happy with the product. Keep in mind, these are made to order, so the weathering will look different on every... And I go, there was no weather... You didn't age these. Yeah.
You sold the thing that you're... You promised the thing that you're not selling. Well, keep in mind that it was three fucking people, and they kept saying, like, thanks for your understanding. We're happy to give you a full credit, and you keep the shirts. I go, I don't want a credit for more shit I didn't want to begin with. Give me a goddamn refund.
And then finally, on the fourth fucking email, they were like, you can have a refund, but you have to cover the shipping costs to send it back.
Oh, my God.
So guess what? I'll never do that. I'll never take the goddamn shirts. You just wanted them to be like, we fucked up. I wanted them to be like, here's a refund. Keep the shirts. Don't worry about it. Sorry about that. You know, never wear these. Never.
Huh? Deny, defend DeRosa. Hey, DDD. I like it.
Yeah. So, uh, yeah. Uh, anyway, it's not a great story, but the point is, is this is where we're at people. It's relatable. This is the country we're living in.
Well, also you're lucky you got a Biden. He's still president. You got a guy on the phone or an email at least. It wasn't like a bot or a hit the text help app.
Well, it's funny because I DM them also. And two of the emails, one of the emails I got was identical text to the... There you go. So they clearly had a form response. And I was... My friend used to work... No, it was at a bank. It was a bank. He said they were instructed because they keep a file open and they make notes about your calls to complain about shit.
And he was like, until it says they've called three times, do not give them. He goes, because if they really want it and they're telling the truth, they will call three times. Right.
Well, you ever try to get a hold of Uber? You got to text. It's crazy. There's no phone number even. You got to like write in. It's crazy. And it takes two days for them to get back.
I talked to them on the phone once because they called me. Whoa. Because I had a crazy driver that said I punched him.
What? Yeah. Damn. And I was like, why are you just pulling up these pictures of this kid behind him? I don't know. Yeah.
And I was like, guys, there were two other people in the car.
He just doesn't know we can see his screen.
He's just like Luigi Mangione shirtless.
Shirtless. Punk.
He might be a gay guy. Yeah.
I think he is gay. Oh, he is? I thought they confirmed that he was gay.
Because look at the way he's holding that McDonald's box. That's the movements of a homosexual. Look at that. Oh, yeah. That's a homosexual. Oh, that's a happy meal. That's the only time he's touching a box. He's caught at McDonald's, too. This guy can't stay away from McDonald's. I know, and he's an RFK fan.
It makes me feel better that he's gay, because when dudes are that ripped and they're not gay, I'm a little bit like, what's going on?
What is going on? Get out of here. Joe's back.
Oh, yeah. I would love that.
You not talking is a real good sell. How do you feel as a paisan?
Is this nothing? Yeah. There's no discrimination against Italians anymore.
Yeah, but how about all those Sopranos memes?
It's hilarious. They're great, right?
But people are like, he shot a guy in the street. That's really gone up. That's what's cool about him being Italian. You can make racist jokes still about him.
He's got the most Italian name I've ever heard. Oh, my God. By the way, I've never... I'm not exaggerating. I have never, ever in life heard of anybody named Luigi. I haven't either. Except for Super Mario Brothers. Same. I have never encountered an actual Luigi ever, Matt. Yeah. Or heard of a guy whose name was Luigi.
My joke on him. Hey, you can put him in jail, but he's just going to get out through the pipes.
Oh, that's good.
Hey, I'll take it.
That's very good. See, sometimes you come out with a good one.
Didn't get a laugh. I just got a that's good. But I'll take it. Not on the Burt roast or whatever the fuck. Jelly roll roast. Oh, I could have used that one on the jelly roll.
Tell me some of the jelly roll jokes that bombed. Oh. I mean, you had to hit them with a couple fat jokes, right?
Of course. Of course. Did any of them hit? Yeah, a couple hit.
What were some good ones?
Jeez, I can't. This is how ill-prepared I was. I had nothing memorized.
I'm not prepared going into a roast.
I know. Because the jokes were solid. So I was just like, I'll read it. It'll be great. Which is a, you know, cardinal sin number one. But I got off stage and Kid Rock saw me in the green room and he goes, hey, I'm Mark. And he goes, horrible performance. And I go, good to meet you. Oh, fuck him. I know, he's a bit of a cunt. Fuck him. But he was right. He was right.
He just fucking posted, I guess he was with some friends of his that were Democrats or something. And they were all hanging out at his bar or whatever. And he goes, this is what it looks like, all caps, when reasonable Americans... that have different opinions move towards the same goal. And it's like, yeah, that's a great sentiment.
I don't want to hear from the guy that shot a case of Bud Light with a machine gun. Really? You're going to start talking to us about rational behavior right now? Go fuck yourself.
Wow.
I can't believe he said that to you.
Oh, yeah. Well, he was half in the bag, but that's how he is. He's like a blunt, you know, I say how it is kind of guy. I shoot from the hip. I tell it like it is. And he owns that town. We went to his bar after, and it was like, Jelly Roll went up, Burt went up.
I can't believe you fucking hung out after this.
I had to drink it away. It was just pure sorrow.
Who were you hanging with to get away from?
The whole group went. We went to his bar, and he had a band, like that guy Marcus King.
Torellius?
King.
Marcus King, yeah.
He was there. I mean, it was just like a who's who, the jelly rolling on, the place went apeshit.
Okay.
It felt like the cellar when Chris Rock shows up.
You got to get him back one day. You got to hold like a jerk store moment. You got to have like a moment where you hit him back with terrible performance. It might take 30, 40 years. Good point. You wait till an old man, he puts on a half-assed concert. Go to any one of his shows.
I'll fly to one.
I mean, they'll be cheering, but it will be a terrible performance.
I can't believe you bombed.
Well, I also zinged him a lot, and I think maybe he was like, oh, fuck this guy.
Anything good?
I just, you know, kept it light. I said, you know, he's ball went to bed, and he sucks, and Big J looks like the last guy to listen to Kid Rock. And I had a couple, but... He didn't like them.
Jelly Roll is a tough guy to roast because he's so nice. He's very nice. I feel like the whole audience, if you're being like, look at this fat ass, they're like, hey, hey.
No, they weren't on it. And he's laughing on stage. But I went third to last, and it was like a... 14-person roast. I'm just scratching out jokes. Hey! Speaking of last. Oh, God. Good to have you there. They let the pig right in here, didn't they? What are you wearing, a burka? What the hell is this?
Why'd you get here on a flying carpet? Is that why you were so late? Hey, guys.
Why is that bag so big?
Because I took my daughter up from preschool. I took her to McDonald's. She threw a tantrum in McDonald's.
Shout out to the CEO.
She called me a Latin curse word. She called me a bingey, like a bitch or something like that. Where'd she learn that? I don't know. She called me a loco bitch or crazy bitch or something like that. But they did say, they were like... Matt, your outfits are amazing. I came in. I know I'm a lot. He's a Jew.
I'm Pepto.
Matt did say, like, come any time. And then you did text me a second time, which made me think you were bumping me. Because you were like, look, no rush, you know, whatever. So I was like, oh, they're going to have, like, some big people. I'll come at the bottom.
No, literally everyone stood us up.
Really?
We had big people.
They bailed.
Oh, okay.
Well. We had La Rizzler. We had Chris D. We had Luigi.
Well, I've been on the Stars Network. Oh. Get off my dick, all right?
Hey.
Perhaps you haven't heard of Pumps and Punchlines, the fucking major tour.
Did Tyler Perry produce that? Yeah.
It is disgusting. Pumps and punchlines. God, you women are so stupid. We are. We're a dumb breed.
Women who kill. That was always a big one with the lady comedy shows. Funny period.
Funny period was just the most insulting of all of them. Is that real? It was... Which one was that? Funny period. Just call it Bleeding Across America. Just call it Gash.
Call it Bitches on the Rag. I'll always send Rachel, like on Instagram, I'll find shows like that where it'll be like, you know, vaginally hilarious.
Vaginally hilarious.
I'll just send her the screenshot of the flyer and I'll be like, you are a bunch of stupid bitches. Look at this. This is heinous. It's very funny.
Gashes and giggles. Flapping lips. Yeah, there's all kinds of them out there.
Yeah, no, the Pointless Holes Tour made gross the most, though. I've never made as much money as I did on the Pointless Holes that deserve to be punished tour.
A pointless hole is pretty good. That's a keeper. That actually would be, that would actually be funny if there was an all-female show and they called it Pointless Holes to make fun of all.
Only DeRosa would think we could actually get away with doing that. Why couldn't you get rid of it? Wasn't I doing a breast cancer benefit and Joe said I should call it Titty Cancer Extravaganza? He's like, you could do it. I'm like, no, it's the American Cancer Society, moron.
But you gotta start your own one.
You're right.
If you did your own produced show, you could call it Pointless Holes. It would be... Fucking hilarious. That's great. That you're making fun of these shows that are like vaginally termed or whatever.
I don't think people are going to get that though on the fly, would they?
How about Clits and Bits? Clits and Bits is not bad. Drunk DeRosa would be a great manager. You can do it. Come on. Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
You don't get yelled at by him. That would be scary on the phone.
You fucking cunt. Can I have a drink?
Oh, what do you need?
Like anything.
Don't waste anything fancy on me. I'm going to Sparks Steakhouse for dinner with Paul Italia after this. Stop name dropping. Sparks is awesome.
You guys, we should go and crash it and just to network.
We should go. Every waiter is like 90 yeah martinis. It's fucking sparks is awesome. You would love sparks I gotta go some sparks is awesome, but I'm but the reason I bring that up is because we're talking about roasts So they roasted Paul for his 50th birthday at the stand hmm, and I had a run of fat jokes about Chris and Oh, he's fat. They bombed. Really?
Because the friends and family were like, that's not funny. It's not like he's overweight and he shouldn't be.
Those only work when you're like under 35.
Oh, because I heard it was the jokes that weren't funny, but maybe that was just.
No, this is one of the jokes. You'll like this joke. This is one of the jokes. Paul's a brother, Chris. The two brothers, believe it or not, Paul's not the fat one. That's a funny joke. That's fun. Is it not? Bombed.
Roast your heart.
I think Chris makes a living opening doors for comedians despite the fact that he blocks any door he's standing in front of. All right, all right. That's not a bad joke, is it? Solid. I laughed. No. No, you didn't. I laughed. You shittily smirked, Sam. What's going on with you today?
You're like me at the jelly roll.
I'm fucking sick. I'm fucking sick. Again, you hug me and I'm going to be sick. I hope you are. Right. Come on, man.
Every time Joe fucks a girl, he calls me up saying he's got AIDS. So don't tell him you're sick. Joe is such a Jew. It's amazing what a Jew Joe is. I know. Oh, God.
The way he confidently said, haven't got it yet.
That really bugs me.
He said it like he was the last cowboy. I didn't mean it like that.
That's the funniest combination because he's like a throbbing hypochondriac, but also he loves prostitutes. It's just a fun-loving combo.
Fucking prostitutes. Would you stop it? And they're called sex workers now.
I'm sorry, Poppy. I'm learning. I'm learning.
Guys that get offended by that are still pieces of shit. It's called, I'm supporting a small business, okay?
That would be a great divorce argument. Okay, well, let's go to a caller. Let's go to a caller.
Wait, what's happening? Magic.
Magic? Oh, Christ.
Come on, guys. Matt Peters, I'm going to say you really blew the Christmas party this year. Guys, I said I'd pay for my own overage. Don't make me sit through this right now. This guy's a pro. All right, that was very good.
You guys, while he sets up, can I just say that, is this the worst thing?
Wait, aren't you the two people that brought the Jewish cake in?
No. Different Jews.
That was different people?
Yeah. Different people are?
DeRosa calls me every Christmas and goes, you know what you did to our goddamn savior. No, Easter. Who cares, Joe? Shut up.
Okay, that was fair.
That was fair. I'll allow it. He's like, you swine little piggy. You know what you did to our savior, you rat pig.
That's love.
Yeah, it is fun. I look forward to it. Every Easter and Christmas you remind me.
I'll hit you this Christmas. I'm going to hit you early this Christmas.
You know what you did when you nailed him up there, you swine.
I'm going to call you a pointless hole. Like the holes you nailed into our Savior.
I will say, when we killed Jesus, it felt like closure.
It was Jew on Jew crime, was it not? He was Jewish, yes.
But some say it was the Romans.
That's how heinous her people are that he turned to them. He turned to them and said, I don't want to be a part of this. Self-hating.
Self-loathing Jew.
Jessica brought up Nora to the comedy cellar and Keith just started saying, the Jews will not replace us. The Jews will not. Comics really are just deep, deep, deep trash.
Sorry, sir. You're trying to set up a nice magic show.
Things are going so well for the Jews right now. Walk in for this feels really comforting.
Sorry. We're Jews.
That's all right.
We're Jews. I know.
Look at the outfit. I noticed. You look great.
You look fantastic. Oh, thanks.
I am not. Yuck. That's a yuck. No, that's okay. We love you.
I'm joking. You guys have a rich history of magic. Hitler made 60 disappear.
Oh, my God.
Did you say 60? Six.
Oh, I said 60. Yeah, yeah.
Wow, you gave us even more. It didn't happen.
It gave us a script.
That's the magic. That's the magic.
That's the magic.
You're not offended by that, right? I think you're just upset because you now realize we have more of us than you.
Yes. I'm a parent. I feel cornered right now. Oh, yeah. It would be great if he just took a gun out of there and shot the most single guys.
Oh, an Italian gym? She's in an Italian gym.
I'm Arab, but I was adopted by Italians. Don't get me wrong. I come from disgusting people. Sex workers. I don't like my people any more than yours. I think it's all gross.
No, I heard your mom was like the most fun whore at the party.
I was adopted by Italians. I can't win. Your mom. That's true. Arab. Couldn't get adopted by some fucking nice wasps with a little bit of fucking cash.
Yeah. This guy doesn't know what he walked into. I'm sorry. So what kind of magic are we doing here?
My wife actually got me tickets to see your show in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Oh, God. Am I going there? What a shithole town that is. Jesus Christ.
I do all the way to Connecticut for you.
Oh, okay.
2021.
Thank God. I was like, I better not be going there again.
You were just about to be too big for...
the name of the club which is not that big he simmered back down again yeah and then reality set in I remember Jim Jefferies one time leaving Caroline's it was like 12 years ago he just looked and he goes I'll see this place on the way back down yeah
I didn't get a chance to formally meet Seth.
Hi Seth, I'm Joe. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
Hi, I'm Rachel. Rachel, yes. Hey.
Hamas.
We met, yes. We met. Nice to meet you. We did meet in the elevator.
He's a good egg. So you saw me in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
I did. I saw you for my birthday present, actually.
Whoa.
Don't worry Sam is a toxic person, but the rest of us are pretty nice Oh, you know I actually at the end of this I definitely need to try some bodega cat I should go I Actually, I'm excited to see me.
I am I find it wonders. That's great.
Which way which way is the best way to face? Oh
I can see into your box. Does that matter?
I think we should be okay.
We're going to have our first lovely assistant.
Mr. Mark Norman is going to come up and help us out.
And everybody's going to give him a big round of applause. Oh, my goodness.
That's awesome.
Oh, you look fantastic.
I'm going to have you come right over here. Yeah, we look great. Come stand right over here. Face everybody's face. All right, you go. And I learned a trick this morning just for you. Now, I have a couple important questions. What's the most important thing in life? Anal. Anal. The answer is trust. You need to trust me, Seth Magician. You do everything right, you'll be fine.
Okay, I trust you.
Two hands. Sam, the best part about this is if you tell people you're a magician, they do whatever you want. It's awesome.
Wait, Mark is breaking up. Is that allowed?
That is allowed. Perfect. You can relax for one second. I'm going to ask you two important questions. First important question, what's the most important thing in life? Trust. Second important question, do you have any shoulder mobility issues?
No.
I know you have some back problems. It's better. Joe doesn't have shoulder mobility issues. All right, enough. Here's what we're going to do.
Place both hands out for me.
All right, here's what we're going to do. Place this in your left hand. Got it. I have my bottle of water imported from Poland.
Can't believe we almost had the Rizzler.
I know you guys had O's on, so that's why I had big shoes to fill. Hopefully, if we do this right, you'll be fine.
You got it. You're doing great. Wait, do I need water in this one?
No, you're good. Just in this one. I thought that was fun. Place both hands on the cup. Turn face this way. Say, I trust Seth the magician.
I trust Seth the magician.
Perfect. Face forward. Say, hi, I trust Seth the magician. I trust Seth the magician. Right hand, place that over your head. Your head's over here, buddy. On the count of three, we're going to flip over those cups. You're going to do this because you trust me. I'm your friend. Are you ready? Sam, you ready? Rachel? Four on my head? Yeah, on the count of three. Help me count to three.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Interesting choice.
Interesting choice. Weirdly, Rachel just got wet. You were so scared when I watered it, you chose to almost dump it all over the equipment instead of your own hat.
That's right. You can have it back to your seat.
Now can you explain it to us?
Yeah, we're going to get to some explanations right now.
That literally has to be magic that you just did. There's no other way that could have been anything but magic. I watched you pour the water in. The cup never left your left hand.
I don't know what I'm doing.
It has to be magic. Unless it's some kind of water that evaporates or something.
I'll tell you what. I'll tell you to find it.
I mean, quickly evaporates. Did you ever see The Prestige? Yeah, great movie. Yeah, where he's like, you have to kill the bird. Like, that's the sacrifice. You want the bird disappearing trick to work? You have to kill the fucking bird.
I just want to draw a record that's not true in the slightest.
Michael Caine said it in The Prestige. That guy's a dick. That's true. Best Christopher Nolan movie.
Oh, Michael Cohen said his surname must be fucking true. I'm a dumb bitch.
You stupid slut.
Did you come in drunk?
Man, pointless hole. I'm going to need to catch up. Call her a pointless hole.
Yeah, go on.
Rachel, this is for you. Don't blink or you'll miss it. I brought a modern version of one of the first tricks I used to do. Oh, shit. Need my trusty magic wands. Rachel, did you see what happened?
No.
It changed. What? and filled back up. Ta-da!
Oh my gosh!
Wait, there's another one in there. I know what you're thinking, Mark. Change it back. Ta-da!
Oh, come on. That's easy. There's two bottles in there.
There's two bottles.
This is part of it, guys. You're saying there's two bottles. There's gonna be like no bottles in it in a second. Whoa! Oh my God, that was crazy. Wait, how did you do that? I'm not drinking this cursed beer. Whatever black magic he just soiled it with.
That was nuts.
That was great.
That's his piss, by the way. It is. I want the magic piss. Sam, this is for you. Let's keep going. Sam, I'm going to tell you the truth. The lower the number, the quicker this goes. Can you pick a number for me between 1 and 52? Five. Beautiful. Any reason?
I'm thinking of a low number.
Perfect. Now, here's what we're going to do. I left a prediction. I'm going to leave this right over here for you.
Would you say five? Yeah. All right.
Matt, can we play some soft piano music? What do you want? Perfect.
Just some suspenseful. Sam, here's what we're going to do. Watch. I'm going to do this really slow. We're going to go one, two, three, four, five. Actually, before we start, do you have a pocket? I'm going to give you a prediction.
A pocket? Yeah. I don't have pockets in this. Oh, I do have pockets.
I'll give you a prediction. Do me a favor. Place this in your pocket. Don't look at it just yet.
Not the one that's full of coins.
Perfect. All right, we're going to count to five.
That's a cute little kid there.
All right, ready? We go one, two, three, four, and five. Keep me honest. Here, I'll do it like this so everybody can see. Now, before we show you your card, I want to tell you it's not the same card.
Okay.
Because there's only one of each. It's actually your card divided in half.
Okay. Wait a minute.
Okay, here we go.
Check it out. Yeah, me too.
Seven.
Okay. Seven.
What about it? My prediction, shit, was your card divided in half.
So it would have to be 3.5. I thought you were five.
All right, here, go ahead. No, he was five. Take a look for me.
What the fuck? Wait a minute. Oh, three and a half. Wait a minute.
I'm going to be honest. I tuned out for the whole setup of that.
That's how they get you, Joe. That's how they get you.
I'm sorry.
What about five? You can't put an Asian girl on the screen. I want to show you something.
Yeah, you put an Asian girl on the screen. DeRosa's fucked.
We go one, two, three, four. You didn't pick four because four would have been blank. Yeah. Six was blank.
Oh, he's showing how the sausage is.
Oh, my God. Not impressive. I love it when they show you.
It's blank, except for one. Joe, do me a favor. Before we started. I'm lost. Do me a favor. Can you flip over that card box for me?
What is it supposed to be that's going to make us freak out? It's going to be a five. It's going to be the number he said. Really, I'm sorry.
Supposed to be the shit attention span trying to do magic here. Wow. What does it say?
That's amazing. That is amazing.
That was good.
He's good. Do you know that episode of The Simpsons when Homer's too dumb to be hypnotized and they try to get him into a cult?
Yeah.
That's what I feel like during that episode. They really keep showing in the same movie. They're like, now what do you believe? He's like, I think that one guy was working for the other guy. Sometimes I feel like that because, well, me and Joe run pretty dumb. But I can tell you're really good at this.
We try. We try. What about the wife? Is she going to do stuff? She is just going to contemplate that she married a magician. All right. Joe, you're not doing anything. Nope. Do me a favor. I know we might be drunk, so I brought along little shot glasses. Okay. Here's what I'm going to ask you to do. Just check out that shot glass for me.
See if you see anything inside you can't see through or anything like that. Perfect.
Now it's clean.
Perfect. Now here's what I want you to do. Whatever number you want, I want you to just have it face up and place the shot glass on top and let me know when you're done.
Now really, really though, really go crouch like in the corners. We know that you're not crouching. Like a bad little boy. What was your name again, Miss? I'm so sorry. Gabby. Gabby, I'd like you to also turn around. Whoa. Man. I would. I have no strength, no stone unturned here. Tell somebody to crouch.
Wait, now what do I do once I have my number? Place it on top.
Place the shot glass on top. I don't trust that he's not feeding this guy.
No one trusts Alec Hughes.
No, get out of here.
Look at those two little rats whispering in each other's ears. I know what they're up to.
Yes, sir. Is the shot glass on top? You want to check their papers? All right, here's what I want to do. I want you to just say 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. So there's really no such thing as magic. And so what we really try and do is read people. So I want you to just say 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. I will say it.
I'm going to say it like this.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
Say it one more time.
Now I get why he's adopted.
I know, why would the dumbest person we know outsmart a magician?
You paused at one, show me the two. I did not pause at one. Take a look, show me the two.
Damn it. Whoa, what are you paying this guy?
Let's do this one more time. Let's do this one more time. Let's do it one more time.
Go back to that quarter. What you're doing to him is equivalent to just some whole walking up at the cellar and being like, My friends and I are so freaking hilarious.
I would rather do another Bar Mitzvah than do magic for you. Wait, wait, wait. I'd rather do a performance in another Bar Mitzvah than do magic for you. No, I'm just kidding.
Wait, wait, go back to the corner. Stop giving him timeouts, you dick. No, I want to do this again. Hold on a second. I want to do this. Can we do it one more time? All right, let's do it one more time. Oh, jeez. What? You got to chip in for the pay. Let's have fun. You paid him by the hour?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit. Jewish. All right. My cup is covered. All right. We got a covered cup. I mean, my dice is covered. Die is covered. All right.
Here's what we're going to do. All right. Here's what I'm going to do. Every time, let's do it a little different. Everything I ask you, I want you just to say no to. Just always respond no.
But can I do the thing where I recite the numbers?
Do me a favor. Just go, everything I say, just say no. Or do you want to do one, two, three, four, five, six? What do you want to do?
I really want to do it. All right, let's do it.
You're like the guy whose birthday party it is.
You're like, what did I do? Just keep going. All right, ready? We've already established who's the worst.
Say the numbers?
Yeah. One, two, three, four, five, six.
One more time.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
I heard a pause. You heard it? Yep. At three, show me the three. Wow.
Wow.
Did I pause it for you? Yeah, you did. You did. I caught it. So here's what we're going to do. That's amazing, man. You're really good. No poker face. Sam, I got you a present.
Oh, come on. I hope it's a personality.
No. We're going to get back to it in one second. We'll just leave it right there for you. It matches. It looks beautiful. That is a good match.
Well done. Maybe is there a better mood inside that box?
So you made a two-digit number, Joe, right? All right, we're just going to keep going. I don't want Sam to fall asleep on me. If my hero falls asleep on me, it doesn't make me feel good. All right. So you made a two-digit number, correct? I made a two-digit number? Yeah, your first number and your second number. Oh, yes, yes. Here's what I'm going to do. Is it two and a three? Yes. Got it.
Mark, can you do me a favor?
Yeah. Just open up some of my notes here.
Oh, the notes app? The notes app. All right. Perfect. And I want you to scroll down to, you should be at celebrities. I see it. Can you just memorize who's at 23?
23.
Can you go back and go to groceries?
Groceries. Got it. Perfect. And I want to scroll again to 23 for me.
23.
Okay.
Got it. Got it.
Okay.
Now, Sam, you've been holding on to my prediction. You can just put that down if you want. All right. This is fucking wild. You have two things in mind.
I got them both.
You have a celebrity as well as a grocery item. Yeah, we both got it.
This is insane what is about to happen right now.
Sam, I got you a present. Can you open it up for me?
Oh, jeez. This is nuts. You remember it, or are you just a bleeding gash?
I am, in fact, a bleeding gash.
All right.
Let me tell you.
Oh, man. Oh, do you need some scissors? I do. You can punch it if you want. If this is what I saw on the phone.
Didn't you say once meat curtains was your favorite of all?
I do. All right, Sam, here we go. He's got it. Hatchet wound.
Oh, hatchet wound is me. Honeypot. Ernest?
Ooh, and... From... Ernest Goes to Hell.
Ernest Goes to... Oh, no.
Fill in the blank. Jail. Camp.
Oh, what were you thinking? That's not what you were thinking. No.
But I know you're not thrown off, are you there? This is part of it. They do this. They do this.
Oh, the trick didn't go right. I have to say, this wasn't much of a present right here. That's true.
Ernest P. Laurel. I did bring an emergency consolation gift.
Oh, my God.
That's how they, in fact, get you.
No Jews in the building.
Wait a minute. This is different, too. Who owns this building? There's a giant mezuzah when you walk in. That's true. Sam, I feel really bad, so I brought a consolation prize. I brought a bunch of cereals. Yam-a-rill. Yam-a-rill. I'll see you all in hell. Can you do me a favor, Sam? Can you just take out any one of the cereals you want? Pick a cereal. Pick a cereal. Any cereal.
All right.
Do you want to change your mind? No. Fruit Loop it is. All right, can you do me a favor? This is getting pretty elaborate, Seth. Will you open that up for me? We're just here for hours.
He's like, I got you another cereal.
He's like, go down the street. Turn in there. Pick out a dress. Okay. All right, go ahead. Can you open that up for me? And can you open up the cereal?
Oh, my God. This is unbelievable. Because you were saying that you found prizes in here, right?
You got a shot of this guy?
Okay, great.
Oh, that camera. Sam, inside the cereal, there should be something.
Oh, shit. Joan Rivers eating Cheetos?
Mark, what was it? Stop it. Tell him, Rich.
That is what it was. It was John Rapazini and Cheetos. That was it. When Mark started, he would bring a cane, kind of like Keith Robinson's cane he got at Marshalls.
Wow. I had a cane first. All right, I want to show you guys one more thing, then I'm getting out of here.
But you still got so much pussy with the cane. Yeah.
I doubt that's true.
Didn't affect his puss numbers not one bit.
My stage name was Canaan Anal.
Really? Off camera. Off camera. Yeah. I'm not trying to fuck you up. I'm really asking. Off camera. Sure. If I tell you how I think you did that trick, would you tell me if I was correct? Absolutely. Okay. All right. Can somebody just take Joe? I want magic to be real. Well, it ain't. Oh, I mean, it could be. That fucking blew our minds.
So why don't you just enjoy it instead of trying to get the truth out of the guy?
Because I want to know what comes after we die. I see. Yeah, and if magic is real, there's a chance something is happening.
For you, some really bad shit, Joe. Huh? For you, some really bad shit is happening after you die.
I'm a great person. What happens after you die?
Oh, it's a real mystery.
Let's do... You're killing it, by the way. Sam, thank you. Yeah, you're great.
Don't worry. And your wife is wildly turned on.
You're going to close after this.
You made those nitwits laugh today. I love it. When you were a little kid, did you ever have a magician come to your birthday party? Nah, that wouldn't be too much magic. Have you ever had a magician come to your birthday party?
I don't think so.
I wish. My parents didn't work around.
Sam didn't have birthday parties because his daddy didn't love him.
That's true, I know. Or he wouldn't have committed biological father.
You know Jews don't celebrate birthdays. That's true. He was a big time. You knew Silly Billy, right?
And I had birthday parties, but they were all at thrift stores because we were poor. And that's the same place Joe performs in his tour.
What the fuck is happening? All right, do me a favor.
Hold out both your hands. Face down towards me.
Oh, breathalyzer?
I'm going to draw a picture. I'm going to show it to Sam first. It's a person.
Alright, let me see.
Do you know who it is? It's a penis. No, it's not a penis.
Do I know who it is?
Rachel's getting her pills. Jesus Christ?
No, it's my ex-girlfriend. Here's what I want you to do. Sam, do me a favor. Tap one of Mark's hands. Place your other hand down. Mark, did you feel it happen? They never do.
I should have faked it.
Take a look.
Whoa, the mark of the beast. How'd you do it there, Seth? Man, that was great. All right, guys. Well, thanks for having me.
Any questions, Joe? I had a woman do that to me, but with HPV. It wasn't as good.
I know that chick. Yeah, that was great. Thanks, man. I appreciate it.
Thank you. How'd he do that? That's incredible. Have a great day. Thank you so much.
Thank you. Very good. All right.
Where are you going to be this weekend? I'm going to be in New York Comedy Club in Stanford.
Hell yeah.
And a bunch of other places. Just go to Punch Up Live and you can find my dates there. Rachel Feinstein. Just go to Punch Up Live or watch my Netflix special. It's called Big Guy. It's streaming now.
Indianapolis, Nashville, Connecticut. I'm looking at your dates.
It went away. Oh, thank you, Mark. Oh, there we go.
Eugene, Oregon. She's in Illinois, Maryland, and San Diego.
I'm also in Austin at the Mothership. Most of my dates are up at Punch-Up, not here. Oh, fun. Let's go to Punch-Up Live. Yeah, that's fine. Hey, Punch-Up.
Love it. We're all on Punch-Up.
We're all on Punch-Up. All our dates are on Punch-Up.
Are you on there? You should get on there. I will.
Yeah. Happy Hanukkah.
I will. I'm biding my time. Happy Hanukkah. Are we plugging? Yeah, plug. Plug it up. Next year... My new tour, the Joystick Tour, starts in January 2025. First cities are Toronto and San Diego. Come out. JoeDeRosa.com for tickets. And come to Joey Rosa's in New York. JoeyRosa'sNYC.com. And we have sandwiches. Bar. It's awesome. Trying to get Bodega Cat in there. Oh, yeah. What are we doing, guys?
Yeah, well, the rep is on his way, so we'll yell at him.
It is a fun bar. Yeah, everybody go to Joe's bar.
So come through, please. Thank you. And yeah, and then my podcast, We'll See You in Hell, is still out there.
Baby. Oh, my God. Thank you. I'll open it off there.
Yeah, buy Bodega Cat, bodegacatwhiskey.com. I'll be in San Antonio January 3rd and 4th, and then Liberty Township, Ohio 10th and 11th, and then Pittsburgh Improv the 23rd through the 25th, and then it's all bus shit, just all theaters and stuff, so Charlotte, Richmond. Philly, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston. Goes on and on. Samuel.com slash shows or just go to Punch Up.
Memphis tickets are fucking not moving. So come on, Memphis.
Come on, Memphis. Also, I am. So when my husband was at the firehouse, he had like this other farmer come over to like help me with stuff around the house, which I know sounds like the beginning of a porn. Yeah. But he freaked out when he saw that I had a bodega cat T-shirt. He's like, you know, the bodega cat guy.
yeah apparently they all drink the whiskey and he was like obsessed and I was like yeah I'll bring you one and he couldn't give a fuck about anything else but the fact that he knew that I knew the Bodega Cat guys and he was like it's the best fucking whiskey and he knows because he's a throbbing alcoholic hell yeah that's our market that's our market baby we gotta send them a case old ladder 48 sure yes everybody loves Bodega Cat I'm telling you it's making waves hell yeah get on that get on the Bodega train and get behind the wheel of that big red truck
Drive it right into the schoolhouse.
Schoolhouse is great.
Put out a fire on your job and bring one back home with you. Hell yeah. What do you got, Mark?
I'll be back in the clubs going to Houston Improv. Then the Stand Up Live in Phoenix where you just did the Celebrity Theater. And I'll be at Addison Improv in Dallas. And then the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville. Then I got a make-up date with Asheville. Not to be confused with Gashville where Rachel's from. Where I am in Nashville. Yeah, that's a make-up date for the hurricane.
Where she is. Jesus and Mary gave birth to me in Gashville.
Oh, yeah. What's that old Geraldo joke about the baby Jesus? That's a woman who really stuck to her story.
Oh, yeah. That's great.
He's funny. Funny guy. Whatever happened to him? But, yeah, keep a lookout for Geraldo and Geraldo, and we're here. We're queer. Thanks a lot. We might be drunk. Rachel was on for 11 minutes.
This Bible study was off the fucking chain.
Yeah.
Sunday's the day for my next bender, a bit of Piverecki, no, the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope, and I get down in the same way. Bye. Bye. Bye.