Rachel Feinstein

Because I took my daughter up from preschool. I took her to McDonald's. She threw a tantrum in McDonald's.

Because I took my daughter up from preschool. I took her to McDonald's. She threw a tantrum in McDonald's.

Because I took my daughter up from preschool. I took her to McDonald's. She threw a tantrum in McDonald's.

She called me a Latin curse word. She called me a bingey, like a bitch or something like that. Where'd she learn that? I don't know. She called me a loco bitch or crazy bitch or something like that. But they did say, they were like... Matt, your outfits are amazing. I came in. I know I'm a lot. He's a Jew.

She called me a Latin curse word. She called me a bingey, like a bitch or something like that. Where'd she learn that? I don't know. She called me a loco bitch or crazy bitch or something like that. But they did say, they were like... Matt, your outfits are amazing. I came in. I know I'm a lot. He's a Jew.

She called me a Latin curse word. She called me a bingey, like a bitch or something like that. Where'd she learn that? I don't know. She called me a loco bitch or crazy bitch or something like that. But they did say, they were like... Matt, your outfits are amazing. I came in. I know I'm a lot. He's a Jew.

Matt did say, like, come any time. And then you did text me a second time, which made me think you were bumping me. Because you were like, look, no rush, you know, whatever. So I was like, oh, they're going to have, like, some big people. I'll come at the bottom.

Matt did say, like, come any time. And then you did text me a second time, which made me think you were bumping me. Because you were like, look, no rush, you know, whatever. So I was like, oh, they're going to have, like, some big people. I'll come at the bottom.

Matt did say, like, come any time. And then you did text me a second time, which made me think you were bumping me. Because you were like, look, no rush, you know, whatever. So I was like, oh, they're going to have, like, some big people. I'll come at the bottom.

We had big people.

We had big people.

We had big people.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

Well, I've been on the Stars Network. Oh. Get off my dick, all right?

Well, I've been on the Stars Network. Oh. Get off my dick, all right?

Well, I've been on the Stars Network. Oh. Get off my dick, all right?

Perhaps you haven't heard of Pumps and Punchlines, the fucking major tour.

Perhaps you haven't heard of Pumps and Punchlines, the fucking major tour.

Perhaps you haven't heard of Pumps and Punchlines, the fucking major tour.

Funny period was just the most insulting of all of them. Is that real? It was... Which one was that? Funny period. Just call it Bleeding Across America. Just call it Gash.

Funny period was just the most insulting of all of them. Is that real? It was... Which one was that? Funny period. Just call it Bleeding Across America. Just call it Gash.

Funny period was just the most insulting of all of them. Is that real? It was... Which one was that? Funny period. Just call it Bleeding Across America. Just call it Gash.

Vaginally hilarious.

Vaginally hilarious.

Vaginally hilarious.

Yeah, no, the Pointless Holes Tour made gross the most, though. I've never made as much money as I did on the Pointless Holes that deserve to be punished tour.

Yeah, no, the Pointless Holes Tour made gross the most, though. I've never made as much money as I did on the Pointless Holes that deserve to be punished tour.

Yeah, no, the Pointless Holes Tour made gross the most, though. I've never made as much money as I did on the Pointless Holes that deserve to be punished tour.

Only DeRosa would think we could actually get away with doing that. Why couldn't you get rid of it? Wasn't I doing a breast cancer benefit and Joe said I should call it Titty Cancer Extravaganza? He's like, you could do it. I'm like, no, it's the American Cancer Society, moron.

Only DeRosa would think we could actually get away with doing that. Why couldn't you get rid of it? Wasn't I doing a breast cancer benefit and Joe said I should call it Titty Cancer Extravaganza? He's like, you could do it. I'm like, no, it's the American Cancer Society, moron.

Only DeRosa would think we could actually get away with doing that. Why couldn't you get rid of it? Wasn't I doing a breast cancer benefit and Joe said I should call it Titty Cancer Extravaganza? He's like, you could do it. I'm like, no, it's the American Cancer Society, moron.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

How about Clits and Bits? Clits and Bits is not bad. Drunk DeRosa would be a great manager. You can do it. Come on. Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

How about Clits and Bits? Clits and Bits is not bad. Drunk DeRosa would be a great manager. You can do it. Come on. Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

How about Clits and Bits? Clits and Bits is not bad. Drunk DeRosa would be a great manager. You can do it. Come on. Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

You fucking cunt. Can I have a drink?

You fucking cunt. Can I have a drink?

You fucking cunt. Can I have a drink?

Like anything.

Like anything.

Like anything.

You guys, we should go and crash it and just to network.

You guys, we should go and crash it and just to network.

You guys, we should go and crash it and just to network.

Oh, because I heard it was the jokes that weren't funny, but maybe that was just.

Oh, because I heard it was the jokes that weren't funny, but maybe that was just.

Oh, because I heard it was the jokes that weren't funny, but maybe that was just.

Every time Joe fucks a girl, he calls me up saying he's got AIDS. So don't tell him you're sick. Joe is such a Jew. It's amazing what a Jew Joe is. I know. Oh, God.

Every time Joe fucks a girl, he calls me up saying he's got AIDS. So don't tell him you're sick. Joe is such a Jew. It's amazing what a Jew Joe is. I know. Oh, God.

Every time Joe fucks a girl, he calls me up saying he's got AIDS. So don't tell him you're sick. Joe is such a Jew. It's amazing what a Jew Joe is. I know. Oh, God.

That's the funniest combination because he's like a throbbing hypochondriac, but also he loves prostitutes. It's just a fun-loving combo.

That's the funniest combination because he's like a throbbing hypochondriac, but also he loves prostitutes. It's just a fun-loving combo.

That's the funniest combination because he's like a throbbing hypochondriac, but also he loves prostitutes. It's just a fun-loving combo.

I'm sorry, Poppy. I'm learning. I'm learning.

I'm sorry, Poppy. I'm learning. I'm learning.

I'm sorry, Poppy. I'm learning. I'm learning.

That would be a great divorce argument. Okay, well, let's go to a caller. Let's go to a caller.

That would be a great divorce argument. Okay, well, let's go to a caller. Let's go to a caller.

That would be a great divorce argument. Okay, well, let's go to a caller. Let's go to a caller.

Magic? Oh, Christ.

Magic? Oh, Christ.

Magic? Oh, Christ.

You guys, while he sets up, can I just say that, is this the worst thing?

You guys, while he sets up, can I just say that, is this the worst thing?

You guys, while he sets up, can I just say that, is this the worst thing?

DeRosa calls me every Christmas and goes, you know what you did to our goddamn savior. No, Easter. Who cares, Joe? Shut up.

DeRosa calls me every Christmas and goes, you know what you did to our goddamn savior. No, Easter. Who cares, Joe? Shut up.

DeRosa calls me every Christmas and goes, you know what you did to our goddamn savior. No, Easter. Who cares, Joe? Shut up.

That was fair. I'll allow it. He's like, you swine little piggy. You know what you did to our savior, you rat pig.

That was fair. I'll allow it. He's like, you swine little piggy. You know what you did to our savior, you rat pig.

That was fair. I'll allow it. He's like, you swine little piggy. You know what you did to our savior, you rat pig.

Yeah, it is fun. I look forward to it. Every Easter and Christmas you remind me.

Yeah, it is fun. I look forward to it. Every Easter and Christmas you remind me.

Yeah, it is fun. I look forward to it. Every Easter and Christmas you remind me.

You know what you did when you nailed him up there, you swine.

You know what you did when you nailed him up there, you swine.

You know what you did when you nailed him up there, you swine.

I will say, when we killed Jesus, it felt like closure.

I will say, when we killed Jesus, it felt like closure.

I will say, when we killed Jesus, it felt like closure.

But some say it was the Romans.

But some say it was the Romans.

But some say it was the Romans.

Jessica brought up Nora to the comedy cellar and Keith just started saying, the Jews will not replace us. The Jews will not. Comics really are just deep, deep, deep trash.

Jessica brought up Nora to the comedy cellar and Keith just started saying, the Jews will not replace us. The Jews will not. Comics really are just deep, deep, deep trash.

Jessica brought up Nora to the comedy cellar and Keith just started saying, the Jews will not replace us. The Jews will not. Comics really are just deep, deep, deep trash.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It gave us a script.

It gave us a script.

It gave us a script.

That's the magic.

That's the magic.

That's the magic.

No, I heard your mom was like the most fun whore at the party.

No, I heard your mom was like the most fun whore at the party.

No, I heard your mom was like the most fun whore at the party.

Wait, Mark is breaking up. Is that allowed?

Wait, Mark is breaking up. Is that allowed?

Wait, Mark is breaking up. Is that allowed?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you to find it.

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you to find it.

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you to find it.

Oh, Michael Cohen said his surname must be fucking true. I'm a dumb bitch.

Oh, Michael Cohen said his surname must be fucking true. I'm a dumb bitch.

Oh, Michael Cohen said his surname must be fucking true. I'm a dumb bitch.

Did you come in drunk?

Did you come in drunk?

Did you come in drunk?

Yeah, go on.

Yeah, go on.

Yeah, go on.

No.

No.

No.

Oh my gosh!

Oh my gosh!

Oh my gosh!

Matt, can we play some soft piano music? What do you want? Perfect.

Matt, can we play some soft piano music? What do you want? Perfect.

Matt, can we play some soft piano music? What do you want? Perfect.

Not the one that's full of coins.

Not the one that's full of coins.

Not the one that's full of coins.

That's how they get you, Joe. That's how they get you.

That's how they get you, Joe. That's how they get you.

That's how they get you, Joe. That's how they get you.

Oh, my God. Not impressive. I love it when they show you.

Oh, my God. Not impressive. I love it when they show you.

Oh, my God. Not impressive. I love it when they show you.

That's amazing. That is amazing.

That's amazing. That is amazing.

That's amazing. That is amazing.

He's good. Do you know that episode of The Simpsons when Homer's too dumb to be hypnotized and they try to get him into a cult?

He's good. Do you know that episode of The Simpsons when Homer's too dumb to be hypnotized and they try to get him into a cult?

He's good. Do you know that episode of The Simpsons when Homer's too dumb to be hypnotized and they try to get him into a cult?

That's what I feel like during that episode. They really keep showing in the same movie. They're like, now what do you believe? He's like, I think that one guy was working for the other guy. Sometimes I feel like that because, well, me and Joe run pretty dumb. But I can tell you're really good at this.

That's what I feel like during that episode. They really keep showing in the same movie. They're like, now what do you believe? He's like, I think that one guy was working for the other guy. Sometimes I feel like that because, well, me and Joe run pretty dumb. But I can tell you're really good at this.

That's what I feel like during that episode. They really keep showing in the same movie. They're like, now what do you believe? He's like, I think that one guy was working for the other guy. Sometimes I feel like that because, well, me and Joe run pretty dumb. But I can tell you're really good at this.

No one trusts Alec Hughes.

No one trusts Alec Hughes.

No one trusts Alec Hughes.

Look at those two little rats whispering in each other's ears. I know what they're up to.

Look at those two little rats whispering in each other's ears. I know what they're up to.

Look at those two little rats whispering in each other's ears. I know what they're up to.

I know, why would the dumbest person we know outsmart a magician?

I know, why would the dumbest person we know outsmart a magician?

I know, why would the dumbest person we know outsmart a magician?

Go back to that quarter. What you're doing to him is equivalent to just some whole walking up at the cellar and being like, My friends and I are so freaking hilarious.

Go back to that quarter. What you're doing to him is equivalent to just some whole walking up at the cellar and being like, My friends and I are so freaking hilarious.

Go back to that quarter. What you're doing to him is equivalent to just some whole walking up at the cellar and being like, My friends and I are so freaking hilarious.

You're like, what did I do? Just keep going. All right, ready? We've already established who's the worst.

You're like, what did I do? Just keep going. All right, ready? We've already established who's the worst.

You're like, what did I do? Just keep going. All right, ready? We've already established who's the worst.

Yeah. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Yeah. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Yeah. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Can you go back and go to groceries?

Can you go back and go to groceries?

Can you go back and go to groceries?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I am, in fact, a bleeding gash.

I am, in fact, a bleeding gash.

I am, in fact, a bleeding gash.

Let me tell you.

Let me tell you.

Let me tell you.

Didn't you say once meat curtains was your favorite of all?

Didn't you say once meat curtains was your favorite of all?

Didn't you say once meat curtains was your favorite of all?

Oh, hatchet wound is me. Honeypot. Ernest?

Oh, hatchet wound is me. Honeypot. Ernest?

Oh, hatchet wound is me. Honeypot. Ernest?

That's how they, in fact, get you.

That's how they, in fact, get you.

That's how they, in fact, get you.

That is what it was. It was John Rapazini and Cheetos. That was it. When Mark started, he would bring a cane, kind of like Keith Robinson's cane he got at Marshalls.

That is what it was. It was John Rapazini and Cheetos. That was it. When Mark started, he would bring a cane, kind of like Keith Robinson's cane he got at Marshalls.

That is what it was. It was John Rapazini and Cheetos. That was it. When Mark started, he would bring a cane, kind of like Keith Robinson's cane he got at Marshalls.

But you still got so much pussy with the cane. Yeah.

But you still got so much pussy with the cane. Yeah.

But you still got so much pussy with the cane. Yeah.

Didn't affect his puss numbers not one bit.

Didn't affect his puss numbers not one bit.

Didn't affect his puss numbers not one bit.

You're going to close after this.

You're going to close after this.

You're going to close after this.

Sam didn't have birthday parties because his daddy didn't love him.

Sam didn't have birthday parties because his daddy didn't love him.

Sam didn't have birthday parties because his daddy didn't love him.

And I had birthday parties, but they were all at thrift stores because we were poor. And that's the same place Joe performs in his tour.

And I had birthday parties, but they were all at thrift stores because we were poor. And that's the same place Joe performs in his tour.

And I had birthday parties, but they were all at thrift stores because we were poor. And that's the same place Joe performs in his tour.

Thank you. How'd he do that? That's incredible. Have a great day. Thank you so much.

Thank you. How'd he do that? That's incredible. Have a great day. Thank you so much.

Thank you. How'd he do that? That's incredible. Have a great day. Thank you so much.

Where are you going to be this weekend? I'm going to be in New York Comedy Club in Stanford.

Where are you going to be this weekend? I'm going to be in New York Comedy Club in Stanford.

Where are you going to be this weekend? I'm going to be in New York Comedy Club in Stanford.

And a bunch of other places. Just go to Punch Up Live and you can find my dates there. Rachel Feinstein. Just go to Punch Up Live or watch my Netflix special. It's called Big Guy. It's streaming now.

And a bunch of other places. Just go to Punch Up Live and you can find my dates there. Rachel Feinstein. Just go to Punch Up Live or watch my Netflix special. It's called Big Guy. It's streaming now.

And a bunch of other places. Just go to Punch Up Live and you can find my dates there. Rachel Feinstein. Just go to Punch Up Live or watch my Netflix special. It's called Big Guy. It's streaming now.

It went away. Oh, thank you, Mark. Oh, there we go.

It went away. Oh, thank you, Mark. Oh, there we go.

It went away. Oh, thank you, Mark. Oh, there we go.

I'm also in Austin at the Mothership. Most of my dates are up at Punch-Up, not here. Oh, fun. Let's go to Punch-Up Live. Yeah, that's fine. Hey, Punch-Up.

I'm also in Austin at the Mothership. Most of my dates are up at Punch-Up, not here. Oh, fun. Let's go to Punch-Up Live. Yeah, that's fine. Hey, Punch-Up.

I'm also in Austin at the Mothership. Most of my dates are up at Punch-Up, not here. Oh, fun. Let's go to Punch-Up Live. Yeah, that's fine. Hey, Punch-Up.

We're all on Punch-Up. All our dates are on Punch-Up.

We're all on Punch-Up. All our dates are on Punch-Up.

We're all on Punch-Up. All our dates are on Punch-Up.

Yeah. Happy Hanukkah.

Yeah. Happy Hanukkah.

Yeah. Happy Hanukkah.

It is a fun bar. Yeah, everybody go to Joe's bar.

It is a fun bar. Yeah, everybody go to Joe's bar.

It is a fun bar. Yeah, everybody go to Joe's bar.

Come on, Memphis. Also, I am. So when my husband was at the firehouse, he had like this other farmer come over to like help me with stuff around the house, which I know sounds like the beginning of a porn. Yeah. But he freaked out when he saw that I had a bodega cat T-shirt. He's like, you know, the bodega cat guy.

Come on, Memphis. Also, I am. So when my husband was at the firehouse, he had like this other farmer come over to like help me with stuff around the house, which I know sounds like the beginning of a porn. Yeah. But he freaked out when he saw that I had a bodega cat T-shirt. He's like, you know, the bodega cat guy.

Come on, Memphis. Also, I am. So when my husband was at the firehouse, he had like this other farmer come over to like help me with stuff around the house, which I know sounds like the beginning of a porn. Yeah. But he freaked out when he saw that I had a bodega cat T-shirt. He's like, you know, the bodega cat guy.

yeah apparently they all drink the whiskey and he was like obsessed and I was like yeah I'll bring you one and he couldn't give a fuck about anything else but the fact that he knew that I knew the Bodega Cat guys and he was like it's the best fucking whiskey and he knows because he's a throbbing alcoholic hell yeah that's our market that's our market baby we gotta send them a case old ladder 48 sure yes everybody loves Bodega Cat I'm telling you it's making waves hell yeah get on that get on the Bodega train and get behind the wheel of that big red truck

yeah apparently they all drink the whiskey and he was like obsessed and I was like yeah I'll bring you one and he couldn't give a fuck about anything else but the fact that he knew that I knew the Bodega Cat guys and he was like it's the best fucking whiskey and he knows because he's a throbbing alcoholic hell yeah that's our market that's our market baby we gotta send them a case old ladder 48 sure yes everybody loves Bodega Cat I'm telling you it's making waves hell yeah get on that get on the Bodega train and get behind the wheel of that big red truck

yeah apparently they all drink the whiskey and he was like obsessed and I was like yeah I'll bring you one and he couldn't give a fuck about anything else but the fact that he knew that I knew the Bodega Cat guys and he was like it's the best fucking whiskey and he knows because he's a throbbing alcoholic hell yeah that's our market that's our market baby we gotta send them a case old ladder 48 sure yes everybody loves Bodega Cat I'm telling you it's making waves hell yeah get on that get on the Bodega train and get behind the wheel of that big red truck

Schoolhouse is great.

Schoolhouse is great.

Schoolhouse is great.

Where she is. Jesus and Mary gave birth to me in Gashville.

Where she is. Jesus and Mary gave birth to me in Gashville.

Where she is. Jesus and Mary gave birth to me in Gashville.

Oh, yeah. That's great.

Oh, yeah. That's great.

Oh, yeah. That's great.

This Bible study was off the fucking chain.

This Bible study was off the fucking chain.

This Bible study was off the fucking chain.