Rachel Feinstein
Appearances
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Because I took my daughter up from preschool. I took her to McDonald's. She threw a tantrum in McDonald's.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
She called me a Latin curse word. She called me a bingey, like a bitch or something like that. Where'd she learn that? I don't know. She called me a loco bitch or crazy bitch or something like that. But they did say, they were like... Matt, your outfits are amazing. I came in. I know I'm a lot. He's a Jew.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Matt did say, like, come any time. And then you did text me a second time, which made me think you were bumping me. Because you were like, look, no rush, you know, whatever. So I was like, oh, they're going to have, like, some big people. I'll come at the bottom.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Well, I've been on the Stars Network. Oh. Get off my dick, all right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Perhaps you haven't heard of Pumps and Punchlines, the fucking major tour.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Funny period was just the most insulting of all of them. Is that real? It was... Which one was that? Funny period. Just call it Bleeding Across America. Just call it Gash.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah, no, the Pointless Holes Tour made gross the most, though. I've never made as much money as I did on the Pointless Holes that deserve to be punished tour.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Only DeRosa would think we could actually get away with doing that. Why couldn't you get rid of it? Wasn't I doing a breast cancer benefit and Joe said I should call it Titty Cancer Extravaganza? He's like, you could do it. I'm like, no, it's the American Cancer Society, moron.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
How about Clits and Bits? Clits and Bits is not bad. Drunk DeRosa would be a great manager. You can do it. Come on. Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You guys, we should go and crash it and just to network.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, because I heard it was the jokes that weren't funny, but maybe that was just.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Every time Joe fucks a girl, he calls me up saying he's got AIDS. So don't tell him you're sick. Joe is such a Jew. It's amazing what a Jew Joe is. I know. Oh, God.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That's the funniest combination because he's like a throbbing hypochondriac, but also he loves prostitutes. It's just a fun-loving combo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That would be a great divorce argument. Okay, well, let's go to a caller. Let's go to a caller.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You guys, while he sets up, can I just say that, is this the worst thing?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
DeRosa calls me every Christmas and goes, you know what you did to our goddamn savior. No, Easter. Who cares, Joe? Shut up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That was fair. I'll allow it. He's like, you swine little piggy. You know what you did to our savior, you rat pig.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah, it is fun. I look forward to it. Every Easter and Christmas you remind me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You know what you did when you nailed him up there, you swine.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I will say, when we killed Jesus, it felt like closure.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Jessica brought up Nora to the comedy cellar and Keith just started saying, the Jews will not replace us. The Jews will not. Comics really are just deep, deep, deep trash.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
No, I heard your mom was like the most fun whore at the party.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, Michael Cohen said his surname must be fucking true. I'm a dumb bitch.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Matt, can we play some soft piano music? What do you want? Perfect.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That's how they get you, Joe. That's how they get you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, my God. Not impressive. I love it when they show you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He's good. Do you know that episode of The Simpsons when Homer's too dumb to be hypnotized and they try to get him into a cult?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That's what I feel like during that episode. They really keep showing in the same movie. They're like, now what do you believe? He's like, I think that one guy was working for the other guy. Sometimes I feel like that because, well, me and Joe run pretty dumb. But I can tell you're really good at this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Look at those two little rats whispering in each other's ears. I know what they're up to.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I know, why would the dumbest person we know outsmart a magician?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Go back to that quarter. What you're doing to him is equivalent to just some whole walking up at the cellar and being like, My friends and I are so freaking hilarious.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You're like, what did I do? Just keep going. All right, ready? We've already established who's the worst.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Didn't you say once meat curtains was your favorite of all?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That is what it was. It was John Rapazini and Cheetos. That was it. When Mark started, he would bring a cane, kind of like Keith Robinson's cane he got at Marshalls.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
But you still got so much pussy with the cane. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Sam didn't have birthday parties because his daddy didn't love him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
And I had birthday parties, but they were all at thrift stores because we were poor. And that's the same place Joe performs in his tour.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Thank you. How'd he do that? That's incredible. Have a great day. Thank you so much.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Where are you going to be this weekend? I'm going to be in New York Comedy Club in Stanford.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
And a bunch of other places. Just go to Punch Up Live and you can find my dates there. Rachel Feinstein. Just go to Punch Up Live or watch my Netflix special. It's called Big Guy. It's streaming now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
It went away. Oh, thank you, Mark. Oh, there we go.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I'm also in Austin at the Mothership. Most of my dates are up at Punch-Up, not here. Oh, fun. Let's go to Punch-Up Live. Yeah, that's fine. Hey, Punch-Up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
We're all on Punch-Up. All our dates are on Punch-Up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Come on, Memphis. Also, I am. So when my husband was at the firehouse, he had like this other farmer come over to like help me with stuff around the house, which I know sounds like the beginning of a porn. Yeah. But he freaked out when he saw that I had a bodega cat T-shirt. He's like, you know, the bodega cat guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
yeah apparently they all drink the whiskey and he was like obsessed and I was like yeah I'll bring you one and he couldn't give a fuck about anything else but the fact that he knew that I knew the Bodega Cat guys and he was like it's the best fucking whiskey and he knows because he's a throbbing alcoholic hell yeah that's our market that's our market baby we gotta send them a case old ladder 48 sure yes everybody loves Bodega Cat I'm telling you it's making waves hell yeah get on that get on the Bodega train and get behind the wheel of that big red truck
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Where she is. Jesus and Mary gave birth to me in Gashville.