Third times the charm! Simon Rex is back for another great episode. Recorded on the day Blink Twice premiered. Go check out his new movies and let Dirt Nasty know you're a fan! Podcast Sponsors: Support the show and get a free gift with your FÜM Journey Pack. Use code DRUNK at https://www.tryfum.com/DRUNK Support the show and get 20% off and free shipping with the code DRUNK at https://www.usejoymode.com Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Simon Rex: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/simonrex415/?hl=en Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/?hl=en
Oh, yeah. And we're off. The sound of domestic abuse. Here we are.
Cheers, boys. Cheers, boys.
Thanks for having me back.
Simon Rex back in the building. Hi, baby. This the third one? I did.
Third one? I think it is. Holy shit. Wow. You had a solo, then you had a Halloween, and now here. Yeah, that's right.
Halloween was a classic. Oh, we got the picture of it right there. We got Simon in the- Oh, yeah.
Where? The cartoon. Oh, yeah.
You're Superman. We're the ambiguously gay duo.
Oh, man. That's so cool.
Which I think put us on Robert Smigel's radar- That's right. You got to get him back on with the insult dog versus Winnie. Oh, Triumph versus Winnie.
I got to just work with Smigel recently. He reached out, which was such an honor, to do a live Adam Sandler song because Adam couldn't do it or it was too big to do it. And I performed one of his rap songs with Smigel doing Triumph back and forth. And I memorized the song. We did it live at, what was the place in L.A.? The Comedy Place. Store? No.
Improv?
Comedy Magic Club? The one on La Cienega. Anyway. Laugh Factory?
Laugh Factory. nah it's like a place they do live shows anyway dynasty type i got to perform with triumph oh okay fucking cool all right yeah i'm a huge fan for me to poop on yeah he's that was amazing michael's a man dude yeah that was cool i don't know if you could do half of his uh i mean he would just go call everybody a virgin at comic-con you could do it all right he's still doing it
Oh, good. Okay. Yeah, he's still doing it. We did it.
We did it. Yeah, it's great.
Big fan. If you ever want to see some shit you can't do, is it Jumbo the Clown? What's that? Oh, don't even pull it up. Really? I might have the name wrong, but he was just like an offensive clown.
If you want to see some shit you really can't do, John Wayne Gacy the Clown. That guy was doing some cutting edge shit. Oh, yeah.
Wait, you guys aren't, was John Wayne Gacy, was that the 70s? Yucko the Clown. When was he? The New York murderer? When was it? He was 80s? Look it up. That's back when serial killers were sexy. I don't know if he was sexy. They could get away with, oh, he wasn't sexy, you're right. Who was the hot one that murdered people?
Ted Bundy, people like. Ted Bundy. Yes. Oh, yeah, he's not sexy. But he's like overrated, kind of. For a killer, he's hot. For a killer, he's attractive, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he did his own court case, which is kind of sexy.
Yeah. Oh, he was his own lawyer?
Yeah.
If unhinge is your type, he had a thing going.
Right, right. And he escaped from prison. Pretty impressive.
Crafty.
I like him.
Wait, he escaped from prison? Oh, yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, by the way, he was in the woods or something. He was so good, he could just charm you. Yeah. He's in a prison outfit. He's like, no, that's not me. Yeah. These aren't the droids you're looking for. When people lie... That kind of shit. Yeah. When people lie to your face that convincingly, you're just like, maybe I'm crazy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And there was no Google. So he would just kill a bunch of people in Utah and then take a bus to Florida. And he was just back on the scene.
What's his name?
Back on the scene.
Who's the one with the sex zombies? That guy? Who's that? Dahmer? Dahmer kind of looks like a leading man in that picture.
Oh, yeah. I can see it. My Dahmer joke. Did you watch the show on Netflix?
No.
Oh, it's pretty good. It's pretty well done. Super creepy, but it's set in the 80s. So at one point they bring Jeffrey Dahmer's dad into the police station. They're like, we got crazy news. Your son is gay. He's a serial killer, and he's a cannibal. And the dad's like, he's gay? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I had a Ted Bundy one, I think, about how in the doc, the cop came on. He was like, that guy's problem, he was a narcissist. I was like, that was his only problem? You know what Bin Laden's problem? Never punctual. Always late.
no but it's it's uh those serial killer docs man they're did you watch the pete rose one yet no tonight i'm watching it why what's uh it's all about the gambling how he fixed everything and just he's a fucking lunatic but he's so for kind of a neanderthal meathead just unbelievable hitter he's he's it's a fascinating story charming
Did they allow him back into the Hall of Fame? What's the end result?
No. It is funny that they're like, he's not in for gambling. They're like, well, he did fuck a minor, too. Like, just use the minor and you don't sound as bad. Minorly. Yeah. Because Ty Cobb, I think, pushed his wife down a flight of stairs. Yeah. And they're like, you know, he's in. At a certain point, you know.
Well, his wife was of age. He pushed her. So it was fine. What is it with serial killers and the three names? Is it because we identify them as three names or is it just a coincidence?
You've got to find this comic because he did a great bit on it. I forgot his name. Oh! He had the bit about how they use the three names. He goes, and I think it's because they're in a lot of trouble.
Oh, yeah, the mom. Yeah, that's funny. Thomas Matthew Crooks. Get down here. You got to find his name.
I want to credit him, too. You can find that. That was scary. That's such a good angle.
We need a new serial killer or like a mash. It's been a while, right? I feel like we need something to.
I bet we've had them, but we just don't know it. There's so many, they kind of go under the radar now.
I saw this thing recently about the FBI case. They're doing a thing on there's so many serial killers that are truckers because they can just drive around and kill someone. And that there's a bunch out right now that they're like got a tail on or whatever they call it. And there's a bunch of serial killers who are truck drivers who just do it all around the country, and they're hard to get.
Isn't that crazy? They listen to our podcast, they pause, they strangle a hooker, they get back in the car. I know. They need pods for the long drive. That's true. They pop on us, a little Rogan, kill Tony. Hey, Theo Vaughn's got Trump.
Kill a hooker, kill Tony. So yeah, we were just talking about Theo getting Trump on. That's a pretty crazy thing. That's crazy. I mean, what the fuck? And then I was saying, we were talking about this before you got here. I don't trust people who don't laugh. Have you ever heard Trump laugh?
This is a brilliant observation.
I've never heard him... What's his laugh sound like? It's weird, yeah.
He doesn't laugh. I'm trying to picture it. Yeah, I can't do it.
He doesn't laugh. You've got to pull up the clip of Artie Lang and Howard Stern. I think he's on Seth Meyers telling the story already, but it's like... It's the story of roasting Trump and how he kind of couldn't take it. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's really.
Oh, yeah. He's just sitting there like this. He's like, I'm going to become the president now. Yeah. Roasted in the audience when it was like Obama was roasting him, right?
Yeah. He didn't like that either.
Where is he? I don't know where. This might be it.
We have thousands of hours of footage of him from over decades, and I can't picture him laughing.
I think you got it. Artie Lang, rest in peace. He's alive. Oh, yeah.
I'm not secure with my hair.
I have a wall spot and stuff.
Yeah, go forward and tell the Trump.
You tell him some of the jokes.
This is it.
He knew to make me tell the joke in a tiny little area where he'd feel trapped. Right. So, yeah, Trump goes, Artie was the best. He was the funniest. He was the funniest. And then, how are we going to tell the joke? And then, I was a loser. And this is, I don't know how,
video evidence of this because it's so fascinating to watch how quickly his opinion changes on you. Let's take a look.
Eric, what was your best joke? Go ahead. He was the funniest in 50 years. Let me hear two of the jokes.
You know, there's talk about some Donald financial problems in Atlantic City, and I said that Donald took his daughter for a drive through Atlantic City and said, someday, honey, your name will be at the top of all these buildings. That's if you marry a guy named Borgata.
All right. He had to bring this crap up. No, you brought it up. It was
He did a lousy job. I'm a loyal person. Right. I was nice to this guy. He comes and hits me. It's a joke. I don't care. I don't take jokes.
There you go. There you go. That's a great fucking clip, though, isn't it? I think of that every time.
And he got roasted on Comedy Central, too. Why do you keep agreeing to roast?
Yeah, yeah.
And to be fair, I haven't heard Biden laugh either. Yeah.
Oh. Yeah. But to laugh, you really have to know what's going on. That's true. Yeah, that's true. He's just not right, right, right, right, right, right, right.
Now, Kamala, I've only heard laugh. Yeah. I've never heard her say anything. She laughs too much.
Yeah. Yeah, forced laugh. I don't know.
Somebody said she's a wine mom, which is perfect. She's laughing too much, and then she won't talk later because she's too drunk. Somebody nailed it. I can't remember who that was.
Bodega Cat, baby. Oh, dude, the new bottle's coming soon. I mean, we have it already, I think, but we had a shipping issue today. But Bodega Cat, we're doing it, man.
It's weird how shipments are on land and cargos at sea. Just a little weird.
Oh, never thought of that. Holy shit. Wow, that's good stuff.
Some dyslexic person. It's like brain droppings type stuff.
Yeah. That's the new car parkway. Right, right. You drive on a parkway, you park in a driveway.
And I was sending you guys on our text thread those, like, the origin of the epidemiologist with the epitome, the epitite. Epidermis. Epidermis. What's the word for the origin of words? Etymology. Etymology of all the terms from England of, like, you know, flash in the pan or that Instagram page.
Well, Norman turned me on to that guy, Cody Tucker. Cody Tucker.
Who's that?
Oh, he played him before. He just is like, he'll tell you the origin of words like that.
That shit's fascinating. It all comes from England, like prison England shit.
Yeah, a lot of war stuff, a lot of nautical stuff.
Yeah, man.
Break the ice. Break the, what was it? That's when ships show up with the cargo and they got to break the ice to get them in because they're like, finally some more supplies. Break the ice. Let those fuckers drop those diapers off.
Yeah, it started with pushing the envelope is how we started with it. Wait, what's that? I sent it to you guys. It's out there somewhere. You want to find it? Pushing the envelope. I think it was something with airplanes, like the pilot had to push the envelope with the cocaine in it to this boss or something. What is this here?
Oh, I thought it was the yoke. The yoke was the envelope.
I love how Google's now AI, right?
Oh, yeah. I know, right? Damn, this is a good flavor. Holy shit. I've been eating. I ate half that bag. All right, I'm going to have one. What is it?
This is like a version of the All Dress. Because I said I like All Dress. Is that why you did it? You fucking. What a thoughtful man. You considerate motherfucker, Matt. All Dress is my favorite potato chip. Winnie, you can't have any.
You know, in Europe, you go to those, they've got those crazy chips in Europe, flavors in Asia.
Oh, yeah.
Tomato crisps. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You guys like Europe? Welcome to my podcast.
I'm going.
When did this come out? What a stupid question. You guys like Europe?
I'm going in three days. Where are you going? London. That's Europe. Where else am I going? Belfast, Dublin, Paris, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Oslo, and Stockholm. That's Europe. Chosen all of them, baby. That's amazing, dude. That's great. I can't wait. And Frank House. That was a hot ticket. That was tough. You got one? I literally couldn't get tickets. It's sold out. I'm like, sold out six weeks.
What is this, fucking Taylor Swift? It's insane that I'm having to call in favors to get into the Anne Frank house. So I put in Instagram stories. I'm like, didn't know it was such a hot ticket. Any help would be appreciated. The Jewish mafia starts hitting me up. Jessica Seinfeld's like, let me know what I can do to help. Schumer DMs me. All these Jews are like, I got you.
And someone said, wait till Tuesday. They put up new tickets, and I waited, and I got them.
Oh, nice. Wow. I remember I went by there, and I tried to go in, but I just walked by, and I couldn't get in. So I just looked at the exterior of the building, and it just was like Chevy chasing vacation at Grand Canyon, like three nods. And then I left. So I saw the house that she hid in, that scared little bitch. Yeah.
That's all you need is to see the house because the attic is a little lackluster. Yeah. There's not much going on.
I'm sure she was disappointed, too. Yeah.
She was like, a little more room would have been nice. Yeah.
No Instagram, no Twitter. What did she do in there? Yeah.
I guess cried and screamed. She wrote. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, I guess so.
good point but uh yo europe man van gogh museum too i got tickets so i'm gonna try to do a bang bang out one day in amsterdam it's so annoying i got a few and others yeah there's not enough time and you're not a stoner so you're not gonna go do all that don't do all that because i i try i'm not a stoner either and i was like let me get weed it's amsterdam and i ruined my whole trip yeah why are we not stoners
We're mental. We're all up here.
I think it heightens the doubts. Yeah, that's exactly right. That's why I like drinking it. Fucking shuts up those boys.
That's exactly right. I've been a stoner my whole life. I'm on 10 months now, no weed, because I go back and forth. And I notice when I'm not on weed the difference in my confidence and socially. Oh, my God. When I'm stoned, I doubt everything. But you seem like a confident guy.
Now that I know you, I know you have a ton of anxiety.
Yeah, I'm a fucking mess. But like I noticed the weed really makes me like antisocial, like not I just want to hibernate and not socialize. And I'm trying to be social, which is we were talking about eye contacts hard. I can't order a barista. I can't. It's so hard for me to make eye contact with a barista. Uh-huh. I can't look at someone. I don't know. Is there beneath you? I don't know.
It's not that at all.
You Hollywood scumbag. I don't know. It's a weird thing. I can't explain it. I feel like a fraud or something. I feel like they're going to know I'm full of shit. I don't even.
It sounds like you're just high. That's a high. Maybe. I don't think. Because normally you just look at a person, right? I feel like it's the weed.
Remember going to 7-Eleven as a kid? You're like, they know. They have no idea. They're never thinking about you. You're like a 14-year-old idiot. They don't give a shit.
My friend and I were so high once at home, and my dad knew, and he came in, and he just handed a pamphlet on cigarette smoking. It was the most passive-aggressive way to be like, he didn't know it was weed. What is this?
Is this a shit moment?
I hope not. Okay.
What kind of dog is that?
17.
Wow. She has the body of a 16-year-old. Dude.
Did I say that on the last one?
Dude, we- Reuse it. I had her on the morning show segment in Baltimore, and then I'm walking into the comedy club there, and there's a line for people to get in outside, and as I'm walking around, everyone goes, Winnie!
Oh, that's awesome.
Winnie! That's awesome. I got to get her like a little scarf and sunglasses. Yeah.
Hollywood. Yeah, like always this way. She faces Mecca. Always.
Dude, we haven't even mentioned this, but you're in so many new movies, but you're just in a new one with... Pacino? Oh, yeah. Vince Vaughn.
Remember I sent you a still photo? You were like, oh, I'm on mushrooms in Paraguay or something. And it's the director who wrote True Detective. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. That guy's a beast.
Yeah, Nick Pizzolatto. I'm a huge fan of True Detective. I remember when that came out like 10 years ago, I was like, oh, Matthew McConaughey's my favorite actor now? What's going on? That was like a point in television. Exactly. That's when kind of TV started to not eclipse film, but get as good. Oh, yeah.
You know, when you saw him and Woody Harrelson, that show was just like, holy shit, this is incredible. Michelle Monaghan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was actually supposed to be in this one, but then she got that new show. What's the show called on HBO where they go to the different islands?
Really good, dude. What's the new show? Bad Monkey. Oh, is it good? Have you seen it? I'm two in. Oh, really? And I'm loving it. With Vince Vaughn? Yeah. It's like Carl Hyasin books, so it's like Florida Noir. Is that Japanese? No, he's like a Florida Noir type. Oh, wow. Floir. But he's like Vince Vaughn being like a really funny guy.
So Vince is kind of, well, I didn't know that Vince was having a quote unquote comeback because I didn't think he went anywhere. I'm like, oh, he's on Curb.
But he didn't get the meaty roles that were used to him.
Right. I mean, how do you stay on top that long? I mean, so he's a comedy guy.
He's a comedy guy.
He's a comedy guy, but he's an amazing dramatic actor. So it was funny. I just did this movie with him and Pacino and Shane Gill. I got Shane in it.
Whoa. Yeah, dude.
Shane did a little cameo. I was on his couch. I was in Austin on his couch reading the script, and it was written for Norm MacDonald. Obviously, he passed away. So I was like, dude, you want to do this movie with me and Pacino and Vince Vaughn? And he's like, duh. We have the same manager. He did it. Wow. Wow.
so that was awesome and he had to i'm not gonna say anything i'll let it be he did great uh but anyway um it was weird doing a movie with vince vaughn that's not a comedy because it's basically the movie is like true detective but a film there's no comedy and i was like hoping to zing and zang with them but it's like heavy dramatic acting and vince is so fucking good man he's because he's got a darkness under there like most funny people but he did that movie years ago remember that one called return to paradise with joaquin phoenix i
No, I never saw that. It's like a Midnight Express type. That movie's awesome. Drugs, they get arrested. Vaughn is fucking heavyweight in that.
Really? He's a smart motherfucker, man. And he's just a good dude. And we had a blast on set because, you know, 98% of the day is doing this, hanging out. But yeah, he brought it, man. It was really cool to work with him. And working with Al Pacino was just surreal. You're looking at him, you're like, that's Sonny Corleone under there?
He looks like an old...
like wizard, and you're looking at him, and you're like, that's Carlito? Wait, that's fucking Serpico? That's Scarface? And you're trying to remember your lines, and you're looking at him, and you're trying to compartmentalize. It was intense. And then after a few days, you're like, oh, he's just a person, but he's on Mount Rushmore of the living legend.
Oh, yeah. Little guy, right?
Yeah, he's a little guy, but he's still got the curiosity. He's still sharp. He's got to be like mid-80s, right? Yeah, 84. He turned 84 on set. It was really sweet. We had a cake for him saying happy birthday. He did a whole speech.
Just got a lady pregnant. Yeah.
You know, he has a baby.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Oh, yeah. So they had the baby, and the baby's like nine months old now. That's a lot.
Wow. That is a lot.
Yeah, yeah. He's never been married. What's funny, too, is that he's so sweet. He's 84, so he would forget that he told you this story yesterday. Okay. But you don't want to be like, hey, Al, you told me this yesterday. You should run for president. He'd say the same thing all the time, and it's like watching a rerun of your favorite sitcom. He's still telling the same story.
All right. At least Pacino, you've got to just let him go.
You're like, oh, no way. Really? You know, every day. You know, not hoo-ha. We remember. It was good. But, yeah, he was a sweetheart. And we went to see Ali Wong. And so, funny moment. He's like, Simon, because we stayed at the Wynn, and she was playing at the Wynn. So, he's like, let's go see some comedy. So, he took me with him.
I'm sitting next to him the whole night next to him watching Ali Wong as she's screaming about her vagina.
Yeah.
And he was, and I'm sitting there, I'm like, hey man, when was the last time you saw stand-up comedy? And he goes, 35 years ago. And I go, who? And he said, Rodney Dangerfield. I was like, dude, are you serious? it was a cool moment. We're leaving like his security teams taking us like out the back. And it's literally like one of those moments out of a movie.
So Allie opens her door and, uh, she's like Simon and Al had walked ahead of me. So I was caught in this moment of like, I don't want to keep him waiting, but I got to say hi to her. And I see him like waiting for me. And I'm like, does he want to talk to her? I don't want to be like, Hey, come meet, you know? So she's like, what are you doing here? I'm like, Oh, I'm just here shooting a movie.
And then I feel him walk up and he shh, Her jaw hits the floor. She doesn't know Pacino's in the building. And he starts praising her about Beef, her show, for five minutes. And she's just looking at him, looking at me like, what is going on? And he was so sweet. And he just praised how much he loved the show. And as we leave, she's like, what the fuck? It was cool, man.
Oh, that's incredible. Yeah, it was cool. Did you get the photo?
No, we didn't get a photo, but it really happened.
You want that photo, but you don't want to ask. It's a tough spot. It's funny you said it, too.
I never asked him for a photo because then you're immediately a fan.
That's true.
And I wanted to think I'm not on his level, but like one of him, you know. So I never asked for a photo.
If he dies, though, I mean, he's going to forget the photo a bit later anyway. He's just saying that. He's never going to die.
Look, I'm not a fan, just you might die. Yeah. That's how you say it.
Exactly. But, yeah, no, that was cool. So, yeah, it's called Easy's Waltz. But I got a movie that's out now by the time this airs. It's out. You're in so many movies right now. Yeah, this one is called Blink Twice. Zoe Kravitz directed it. It's with Channing Tatum. Great cast. And it's a movie.
And then another one called Greedy People with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tim Blake Nelson, some other cool people. Jim Gaffigan's in it.
Oh, nice. I feel like Tim Blake Nelson, like he's not enough stuff. I feel like he's always really good, right?
He's awesome, man.
Hope Brother, where art thou? Yeah, he's awesome.
That was awesome. Yeah. He was great as, what's it called? Billy the Kid.
Oh, yeah. What's it called? It's called Old Henry.
Old Henry. That movie. That was awesome.
Okay, so it's funny you say that because I saw that on a plane. That's a wreck. Old Henry. Never heard of it. You wrecked this. I never saw this.
Shane wrecked it to me, and I watched it.
It's an incredible movie, and I saw it on a plane. I'm like, what is this movie? I've never heard of it. And the director's name was Potsy. I can't remember his last name right now. Anyway, Potsy did an amazing job on that movie. So when Greedy People was presented to me, they're like, it's the guy who did Old Henry. I'm like, I'm in.
I love that movie. Great movie. That's a great wreck. I was thinking The Ballad of Buster Scruggs.
Oh, yeah. He's great in that, too.
He's awesome. The guy's a legend. He's a three-name serial killer.
That's right.
Now, let me ask you.
What's it like going to walk around Vegas with Pacino? You've got to feel like a boss.
Well, it was more he kind of hibernated in his villa and me and Vince would walk around and I've never seen a celebrity handle fans better than Vince. Me and Shane were marveling in how he is that a word marveling? Yeah, we were reveling. We were revealing. we were blown away by how Vince handled fans because he's six foot, he's taller than you, he's like 6'5". Can't miss him.
And imagine in Vegas, it's like middle America drunk. He's just gonna get attacked. But by the time somebody recognizes him, he sees it and he goes up to them and starts talking to them before they could even be like, and he gives them a spiel, does a bit, blah, blah, blah. Next thing you know, he's like spins off and they're just like, what the fuck just happened?
And you're like,
somehow avoids it by going into the fire. Uh-huh. Alpha. Yeah, it's insane. And me and Shane were just watching him work, and we're like, this is incredible. Me and Shane are trying to hide. No one even cares about us. It's Vince Vaughn, but he handled it so crazy. And, yeah, he's that dude.
Wow. Yeah. I'm a fan out of the gate. I mean, when I saw him in Swingers 30 years ago.
So you know how hard it was for me in Vegas for six weeks with him to never once go, Vegas, baby.
Oh.
did it once.
That's money. I never did it once. My brother had that poster up when he was a kid. It was just on his bed. No, no, no. It was like a photograph, but it was a different version. It was them in the car, and it just said Vegas.
And then you did Made, which was another Vegas one.
Made was fun, though.
That was fun. What's that? P. Diddy. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. Put him on the wish list of, like, all-time guests. Yeah, P. Diddy. Get him on there.
Now, Vince Vaughn would be fun as hell.
Oh, yeah. He's the best, man. Anyway, so circling back, I think he's had – so Nick Pizzolatto wrote this movie for Vince, and he was looking for someone to play his brother. For a couple years, the movie was kind of just written and done for Vince, and he saw Red Rocket, and he goes, that's Vince's brother.
Whoa!
And so he just put me in the movie. So it was like I didn't even have to audition. He just thought I was just so, you know, rambling fast. He's like, he could play Vince's brother.
That's the best. Is this like going to be in theaters or? Oh, yeah.
Well, you never know. But I imagine a movie with those. Yeah, there it is. So Michelle Monaghan was supposed to be in it, as you see there. But Kate Mara is in it instead. And she was so sweet because Michelle Monaghan got. What's that show? White Lotus. So she went off to do White Lotus, so she couldn't do the movie. Wait, that's how old this was shooting back?
We shot this, we wrapped three months ago.
Oh, so there's a new White Lotus.
Yeah, they're shooting it right now in Thailand or something. So I understand her like probably had to choose between the two. It's like, ooh, a De Niro, I mean a Pacino movie or Thailand for three months.
Stav and I always talk about that because I guess back in the day, the actor William Peterson was offered Platoon. And he was just like, and he did some shitty movie in L.A. instead. I think he was like, I could bang models in L.A. or I could get yelled at by Oliver Stone in Vietnam. I know, right? It's like, which one do you go with? Yeah. He probably made the right choice for him.
He seems mentally better than Sheen.
That's a good point.
So Charlie Sheen told me that- You guys. Yeah. Oh, wait. Where is it? Oh, yeah.
That's Shane. Is that Pizzolatto?
That's me, Pizzolatto, and Shane Gillis.
That's cool.
Good name for R. Kelly.
Pizzolatto. Peterson did make fucking Manhunter. That's a sick movie. Oh, yeah. Wait, who made it? He was in Manhunter. Oh, yeah. The little man movie. That's a great show.
That was sick as fuck. So I was going to say that Charlie Sheen told me that Oliver Stone, there was a guy on set on Platoon who was a real Vietnam veteran that was there to say, no, this is, you know, to make sure things were authentic. Like the Nick Nolte Tropic Thunder guy.
Exactly. Exactly.
Which was probably based off this dude.
Whoa.
So he was a real vet who was there and he was a tough motherfucker and he was like making sure things were authentic. And I guess he and Oliver Stone really didn't get along because Oliver's movie and this guy's probably trying. You can only imagine the shit that went on. So by the end, I guess the last day of the movie, they got in a fist fight.
Wow.
And he said that Oliver Stone beat his ass. What? In front of everybody.
Beat up the vet?
The Vietnam vet. Is there any record of this? No. This was just from his mouth to my ears. Wow, he beat up a fucking vet? Yep.
You're going to listen to the director after that. Maybe we should do something different here. Fuck you.
Cut to that vet murdering me. How was the shoot? We beat up a veteran. Not great.
Wow. He said it was like in the mud, in the rain. I feel like I saw it. Is he? Is it an Overstone event or no? I think maybe. Yeah, maybe that's why he's like, you know, fuck you. I know what I'm doing. Yeah, I think he was.
Interesting. Oh, he was a soldier in Vietnam. Yeah, there we go.
He's probably like, why did they studio send this guy? I know what I'm doing.
So it's a vet versus a vet. It's two.
I went to a party in Hollywood once and he was sitting in the bushes. Like, I'm not kidding.
Binoculars, camouflage.
It was like some party in the hills and I'm with my buddy and we're like, dude, is that Oliver Stone? And he's like scrumming around in the bushes by himself. I was like, this dude's the best.
He'd be a good podcast guest. He'd be great. He's kind of gone full conspiracy.
Didn't he do that whole, oh, is he conspiracy?
I mean, was he ever not? He made so many, he made The Doors, JFK. I mean, he's always been doing.
He did those like documentaries too about like, he did the voiceover on some like National Geographic, something like that.
Yeah, he's got some QAnon stuff cooking.
Oh, man. Is QAnon still a thing? I don't know. Are they still around?
That's a good question. QAnon.
Yeah, so what's one with Zoe Kravitz?
So, yeah, Blink Twice, Zoe did a great job, man. It's not easy to make a movie. I mean... As you guys know, there's not a lot of good shit out there, and she fucking murdered it, and it's like a suspense thriller, but it's got some comedy in it, too, so I'm sort of the comedic relief in this movie, which is awesome. We shot it in Mexico a couple years ago. The strike held it up for a while. Mm.
Which was sort of a blessing in the end because then she got to really take her time in the edit and do some cool stuff. And it's, yeah, it's, man, it's a great movie. I just went to the premiere a couple nights ago here in New York. Wow. And I saw Chappelle afterwards. Hey. And he was there. I'm like, Dave, what's up? I kind of know him just from being around comics and stuff.
And he's like, man, that was a masterpiece. That was his first. And I was like, really? He was just blown away. He was like truly blown away. And I was like, I told Zoe, I was like, Dave thinks it's a masterpiece. Where is he? She ran over to talk to him. It was just kind of one of those magic nights.
That's great. They let him smoke in the theater?
I didn't see that, but I bet he would. He's the one that he could smoke anywhere, right? He does that.
Pretty much, yeah.
Yeah, he earned it, I guess.
Oh, yeah, there we go. He did an eternity war, just like, hey, everybody.
new special coming out yeah putting gas in his car let me just oh and uh gina davis is in the movie and me and her became friends because she hasn't been around a minute she's the best man so she really loves bad corny dad jokes so i'd be like writing bad dad jokes on set and we would just she'd write one and come up so to this day we text each other bad jokes all the time nice remember her in uh long kiss good night she was badass in that oh yeah samuel jackson i never saw
earth girls are easy and league of their own no she's and she's in mensa she's an oh really smart motherfucker oh shit thelma and louise oh yeah she won an oscar for that right she won an oscar for something that movie is so much darker than you think oh yeah you think it's good you just think of the fun i don't know why i thought it wasn't going to be darker because the scene that we all know is i'm just driving off a cliff oh yeah it was fun yeah it was beautiful it was friendship
But it is a badass movie.
What, does she get beaten up by a guy in the beginning?
Yeah, her husband's beating her. Yeah. And they're just like, fuck it, and they're on the run. It's pretty damn good. And he's in Ridley Scott, too. Yeah, Ridley Scott. Young Brad Pitt. Yeah, that was his first thing, right?
He was the hot guy on the couch, smoking weed.
Yeah, shirtless, cowboy hat. What was that, California? California with a K? Yeah, with a K, but this might be before California.
Yeah, that was kind of the first thing I think he did that put him on the map.
Wait, is that his wife or his daughter? Where? Daughter. Oh, it's his daughter, okay. He's got the arm around the waist, looked a little chubby. Yeah, it was funny.
At one point, I think on Valentine's Day, she had a party in L.A., Zoe, and I was sitting there looking at her, and she's sitting with her mom and dad, and you're just like, what the fuck? Like, you know, her mom is Lisa Bonet. Her dad's...
uh lenny kravitz and she's just the alien love child beautiful people and you're just like what she's like an alien man lenny kravitz is like 60 something with abs so hot yeah i think i said ass he's got an ass too but he but he uh he said some quote recently that he's been abstinent for 12 no really good that's why that's why he i know Really? I don't think we're competing for the same ass.
That means you got a lot of pussy. Yeah.
That's like when you're young, at least I was, I drank so much soda when I was young that I'm like, I don't like soda anymore. That's probably how he was with pussy. Probably. He was like, I had enough Dr. Pepper for a lifetime.
To be abstinent, you either get a ton of pussy and pull back or just get none. That's it.
Yeah, I feel like he was the first.
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Sorry, U-S-E-J-O-Y-M-O-D-E.com. Great sex solved naturally. Yeah. Like I was abstinent in high school.
Yeah. Remember when you enter your virginity and you're like, oh, I'm going to get laid all the time now, and then you don't get laid for like two years?
Yeah. But it's still good to just get it over with. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was actually blown before. Oh, me too. No, wait. I had sex before blown.
Oh, no. I was blown like nine times before I had sex.
Whoa. Really? Yeah.
I was like, sex was hard. It meant something to them. Women back then, they were like, yeah, I'll blow you. I don't give a shit. But the sex, they're like, nah, I'm not losing it to you. Sex is natural.
Sex is fun. Sex is best when it's one-on-one.
Hell yeah, dude. What song is that? Perry Como? No.
What's his name? Bobby Darin. What's his name? Duran Duran?
Oh, Girls on Film.
Anyway, that's a song.
Yeah. I mentioned you last night. Yeah, George Michael. I mentioned you last night to my friend, and I was like, oh, he's a really good actor. I was mentioning a couple movies here, and he's like, I don't know those. I don't know movies. And I was like, he did the song My Dick. Oh, shit. I love that song. Yeah, man.
Man, that song just won't go away. Good.
My Dick. Like herpes.
Yeah, exactly.
Keeps popping up.
yeah it went platinum it's funny i got a platinum plaque in my bathroom and did a million downloads and i made the song in five minutes fucking around and it was like and then after kind of like talking about getting laid for the first time you think it's gonna happen we made this song in five minutes me and my boys it's a hit and then ever since then i'd be like hey we're good we're gonna make another never again time for us it was like an accident well we did do my dick part two and it just wasn't the same it was like we were trying to redo the magic and it was about the money dude
Yeah. It's what? All sequels about the money.
Yeah.
Wasn't pure.
So there's only a few sequels. Let's talk about them. There's only a few sequels that are better than the first. Return of the Jedi.
Terminator.
No, Empire Strikes Back. Terminator's arguably, I just watched it the other day. The first one's so fucking good, but that's a close one. Godfather 2 is better than Godfather. It's close.
I don't know, man. I don't know about that. You got Brando in the first one, though. The first one's fucking good. Fuck. The second one is incredible, too. It's more action-packed, the second one. He's in Little Italy. Yeah, honestly, the way he fucking knifes that motherfucker.
Yeah, the jumping from roof to roof. I love all that.
Young De Niro and Young Pacino, it is pretty iconic.
Oh, yeah. So that's pretty great. What's another good sequel?
Best sequels? Yeah, what's another good sequel? Is there a list?
Dumb and Dumber. No.
Terrifier 2. Never saw it. They're pretty violent. That just came out.
Fast Five 11. Come on.
I went to try to watch one of those recently.
Captain America is pretty good. I've never seen it. I'm not a huge Marvel guy, but that's a pretty good one. People are saying the new Wick is pretty great. I caught the second half on TV the other night, and I couldn't turn it off.
It was unbelievable. I put a podcast in on a plane and John Wick on silent just because it's a great visual. Just the kicking ass and the knife fighting and the shooting.
What podcast do you listen to?
By the way, that's so funny how overstimulated we all are. I know. I know. The pod isn't enough. I got to fucking. I had a porno going the other day while watching a documentary. I was like, what am I doing? I'm getting like the worst and the best kind of entertainment.
And you were jacking off the JFK.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess last night, it's funny, I was trying to sleep in my hotel room in Brooklyn and it was just death silence. And I was like, I got to put on like an audio book or something. I can't just lay here with nothing, with my thoughts. I'm going to fucking lose my mind. And I was like, okay, just see if you could lay here and not entertain. Oh, I've done that. It's so fucking hard.
It's so hard. It's so hard to just sit there. Especially on the road when you're not home. Oh my God. Home is easier. At least you're home, but on the road. On the road in some weird hotel room. Soprano is like white noise.
yeah well i what'd you say about white noise sopranos oh yeah or i actually put on brown noise i do that just uh what's brown noise it's like white noise but different octave or something it's like a yeah oh all right noise more violent i got it all right well i was just in martha's vineyard and i'm like all right here i am the most relaxing place on the planet i'm sitting on a porch in a rocking chair looking out at the ocean there's boats the seagulls and i'm like
I wonder who's texting me. What's on Instagram? Hey, let me check my For You page and watch some whore twerking. Yeah, we're fucked. So I put the iPod in. You got to leave the phone in the room.
Yeah, you got to have it out of your way. We didn't grow up. I'm older than you guys, but I feel like these kids now, man, these kids that grow up with the phone, they're going to be so fucked because they have access to hardcore porn at 10 years old.
Man, my ex-girlfriend, I remember we were having dinner, and her little brother and her friends were in the other room, and her dad's like, guys, come to dinner. And I'm like, guys, come in. And I go in the room, and it's like three 10-year-olds sitting around an iPad watching the most hardcore disturbing. No. And I'm like, oh, they're fucked forever.
Oh, my God. They're fucked forever.
Their hardwiring is like they think they got to do this now. Yeah. And they're the virginity. It was like violent porn. Oh.
it was disturbing and i'm like oh this is just every kid now wow has access to that i'm sure our parents look at us like that too but we just had i remember my stepdad had like a playboy under the cushion and it would just be a still photo of some boobs and you're like whoa but yeah this is a i remember at summer camp like jerking off in the fucking bathroom stall to like a club magazine oh yeah that's hot yeah club was hot club was cool that was but that was hardcore that was hard penetration
Yeah. Yeah. But you're just like, fuck. You pass it around. You're like, this is page 67. It's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Check it out. Buried out in the woods. Yeah. No, you're right. It's over. There was a picture from 2000, and it was in New York. I saw it on Twitter somewhere, and it just said, look, no one's on their phones.
I know. They're interacting. I see that all the time.
I think you were more alert with your neighbor, but also sometimes – It is good to zone out. It's tough. It's a tough line to walk.
It's hard. If you can get over the hump, like you're like, all right, I'm going to pick up this book and read it. And everything is telling you, fuck the book, get the phone. But if you can get over the hump of the boredom, you'll get into the book.
It's like watching a foreign film. Just give it like five minutes and you're in. Same with reading. You just have to just commit to the...
Yeah, and I would say the same with sex with the wife. She's like, I don't want to. I'm like, give it five. I'll be done. She's reading. Yeah, she's reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Well, fuck me. But, yeah, got to push through. You got to do it.
And when you get to the other side, because they say if you go, they have all these retreats now where you go for two weeks and you don't use your phone, and the first four days you're like jonesing, and then you're like completely cured. You just got to get through it.
Don't you kind of weirdly judge those people a little bit?
Sure.
Because when I just go back to a retreat, I'm like, you're fucking weird. Yeah, yeah. Like, I admire you, but it's weird. Yeah. And they always tell a story. They're like, yeah, the first day I was crying my eyes out. Yes, yes. I'm like, yeah, I don't want to do that.
No, that sounds like hell. But they'll get there. I bet kids, too, in the future will have a thing where they're like, going off phone is cool. Yeah.
Well, I heard kids, I heard now, I forget who was telling me, that kids who are like 15 and 16 are like, social media is corny. That's what my parents do.
Yes.
Yeah, that now it's kind of like old and corny and like your parents do it.
Good.
That's how full circle it's gotten.
Yeah, it's going to be weird when rap is corny. I know. You know, because we like rap. Right. So my kids are going to be like, oh, rap sucks. Yeah, that's like oldies.
It's not going to be corny. It's just going to be different types of rap. Like, if you listen to rap now, it's so different than the rap we grew up with. That's true. Like, it's so funny. I'll hear this shit. By the way, can I give you a peeve based off of that? My peeve is when the gym plays music that's shitty.
Oh, God. You've got to play broad.
You've got to play broad stuff at the gym. Yeah, true.
It happened to me yesterday. Get Sean Paul the fuck off at the gym.
I don't even get what people say. Shut the fuck up.
I had to put my earbuds in to mute the sound of the music. Yes. Because it's so... I do the same thing.
Well, it's better than when the guy brings his own boombox.
Oh, yeah, I remember that.
Famous story. I used to work at the Rec, so it's just old people and poor people and me. And one guy would have the rap music blaring every day. We all hated him, but, you know. Radio Raheem. Yeah, exactly. But there's a racial component, so you let it slide. And then another guy brought one in one day, and they just played it together, and they hated each other.
And they're like, fuck you, fuck you, this is my music. And he's like, but this is my music. And now everyone else in the gym is going, now you get it. We hate all of you.
It's like when someone's loud on the phone in public, on speakerphone, and everyone can hear you, you want to go up next to them and do the same thing to shut them up.
Yes, the Larry David. Oh, is that a Larry David? Yeah, he's at dinner one time, and a guy's on this phone like, I know, right? Then the guy said this, and then Larry David just starts going, oh, man, the other day I was doing this. And the guy looks over, he's like, what are you doing? He's like, what are you doing?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the thing. LD. And then going back to the reading thing, man, I feel like I'll read a book and a week later someone's like, well, how was the book? I have no idea what I read. That's hard to retain. I don't retain any. I truly have no idea what I read. And then on top of that, I'll read a page and I'm like, I was just thinking about 87 other things.
I got to read the page four fucking times.
Well, you got ADD.
I do have ADHD.
Yes, yes. I'll do that when I read drunk. Sometimes I'll come home drunk. You can read drunk? Clearly not. Oh. I'll come home and I'll try, and then I'll just be like, I'll be like 40 pages in, and the next day I'm like, fuck, I gotta reread all these pages. I was blackout drunk. Any book recs? You know what I loved? Shout out Matt Ruby.
I said this on Rogan recently, but Matt Ruby told me to read the Agassi book called Open. Oh, yeah. He was on meth?
Is he on that?
It's incredible. I loved it so much. I heard it's great. I never read it. Even if you don't like sports, you'll love it. It's moving. It's hilarious. It's fascinating. It's a guy who's so hard on himself and obsessed and such a rebel. He called his dad the dragon. He hated his dad. They basically sent him away. He referred to these tennis camps as prison.
Because they knew they had a prodigy on their hands. So once they saw him, they didn't want to get rid of him. And he knew that. And he was like, fuck you. I hate it here.
Whoa.
They were just, the dad would call and say like, no, no, no, money's not a problem. We want him here.
Whoa.
And he just heard like, oh, they just added time onto my prison sentence like that. I had to stay there. But he realized he was miserable there. So he was like, I'm going to act out. So he was like, you know, he'd go get like a pink mohawk and earring. You know, he started dressing in like jean shorts. He started dressing like a girl and be like, fuck you.
And he'd win these tournaments dressed like that as like a rebel. It's hilarious. I mean, he's, he's an awesome dude. I just, I have so much respect for him.
But then also he's like, it's incredible.
It's a ghost written by the guy who did the tender bar, which is, it was a popular one, but he, uh, Good rec. Dude, he's... J.R. Moringer. Yeah, he is just so hard on himself the way we are. He's like, oh, I couldn't get over the hump with Sampras. Dude, he had this insane career. He's like top 10 ever.
So he hated tennis the whole time.
That's how he opens. He goes, I fucking hate tennis. Wow. And he married Steffi Graf, who was one of the best female players of all time. Oh, that's right. That's got to be awkward. And he was in love with her for years.
Whoa. That's like Pryor marrying Joan Rivers, you know? It's crazy.
Yeah, but no, it's so good. The book is... I couldn't put it down, man.
I got a rec book. Please. Blood Meridian.
Yeah, I've heard that's great.
Man. Who wrote that again? Fucking Oppenheimer de la Renta. Fuck, I can't remember his name.
What about gang? Cormac McCarthy.
Cormac McCarthy. Yeah, he did No Country for All Men. Yes, which I tried to read, but then if you see the movie first, I know everything that's about to happen, and I'm picturing the actors they hired, so I think you can't go that way. You've got to read the book before the movie.
Yeah.
but blood meridian they've tried to make a movie out of it a few times but they it's too good you can't fucking do it and it's cursed because every time they've tried something's going wrong it's it's incredible bookmarking this i want to remember yeah blood meridian it's like the most violent dark fucked up book you'd love it how's the violence on paper it's pretty it's yeah it's there man it's yeah yeah it's disturbing and yeah i recommend that up dude yeah um
He also wrote The Road, which is a good movie.
Great movie. Yeah. What's that guy's name? Never saw that.
Vincent De La Foria. No, Vincent Price.
No. D'Onofrio. No. Oh, shit.
Oh, here's another wreck I got. When you're trying to think of something, don't Google it. Give yourself a couple minutes and see. I'll get it. I'll get it. That's good. I'll get it. And then you'll get it.
History of violence. Yeah. Viggo Mortensen. Viggo Mortensen. We didn't Google.
Dude, Vincent Price, I just watched a movie he's in. Great actor from the 40s, you know. He was the guy in the Michael Jackson video, too.
Yeah, that's right.
Bless you. That was adorable. That was like the cutest sneeze I've ever seen.
He's the guy who goes, boy, I'm coming in the beginning of Thriller. He's like, come out and suck my cock, whatever.
That was it. There he is. Yeah, yeah, dude, I watched this movie called Fuck, Save Her From Heaven. It's with Gene Tierney. Ah!
Really? Oh, my God. What the fuck? Is that the dog? I'm trying to keep it low when I don't want to interrupt.
That was crazy. Strangle a fucking bird? Savor from Heaven. Yeah, Gene Tierney was like the hottest chick. Oh, really?
Who's Gene Tierney? You're a noir guy.
She's in a movie called Laura. It's like one of the best noirs of all time. But Vincent Price is a gnat with her, too. But he's in this one called Save Her From Heaven, and it's basically Fatal Attraction before Fatal Attraction, where he meets this gorgeous woman on a... I mean, Leah, pull a picture of her. He met her on Tinder? He meets her on a train, and he's like, she's so hot.
Ends up marrying her. She's furious anytime there's anyone else in the picture. Crazy jealous. He's got a brother who's disabled, and she hates the brother for just being there. Wow. So I don't want to give too much away, but it's fucking hilarious. It's...
Oh, she's hot.
Yeah, she was a fucking fox, dude.
Muchy, muchy. Now, is she related to Moira tyranny? No. Okay.
Hey, here's a random thing. Do you guys notice, like, if you watch Cheers or something, everybody looked a lot older in the 80s that was 40 years old. Why?
No doubt about it. Why is that?
Is it they smoked on planes and things were, they didn't know about health?
I think people were rougher. There wasn't as much health stuff going around. No one was like vegan or gluten free. Vegan Mortensen. Yeah.
Once you live longer, I think you just kind of like, you just kind of like, well, I got to stay. Once the life expectancy moves further up, you're kind of like, I got to get this shit tight. I got to stay together. But yeah.
It's just weird how everyone looked old. Do you think there was really hot girls back in barbarian days and would they just get kidnapped and raped to death? What happened with hot girls back then?
Look at Wilford Brimley. Pull up a picture of Wilford Brimley. That guy was in his 40s and he looked like he was 87.
Well, they always show him versus Tom Cruise. Yeah, he's 22 right there.
But when he's like young, yeah, pull up young Wilford Brimley. He's still fucking young. He was never young.
He was never a kid. No. Look at that. Wow. I see Paul Rudd. They got him next to Paul Rudd. That's not fair, though. At the same age.
Was he in Cocoon? Tim Walls and fucking Brad Pitt. I'm like, put anyone next to Brad Pitt. That's true.
Oh, Cocoon was about them staying young, right? Yeah. Jesus. See, you're 50. I know. I don't get it.
That's crazy. You look good, man.
I feel good. What do you do to stay looking so... No wife, no kids.
That'll do it.
Yeah. I sleep alone.
He's 51 in Cocoon? Wow. What? No way. That's hilarious. No one ever checked in on him? Like, maybe this guy's got some problems with health? He looks rough.
You know, I'm really obsessed with Chris Elliott, Get a Life. Remember that show?
Oh, sure.
And he plays a 30-year-old paper boy who lives with his parents, and it's his real dad in the show. But he's 30, and he's, like, bald and old, but he's 30.
I know.
That's my rec. That show. They're all on YouTube. It holds up. It's so fucking funny. It was such a weird, experimental, random comedy. Like, it's fucking brilliant, man. He's the best. Shit. Speaking of recs, I got to give a hard rec, dude.
Yeah. Incoming on Netflix.
Oh, yeah.
The Cernan brothers wrote a new movie on Netflix called Incoming. It's like super bad level funny. Really? Wow. It's just an airtight... Have you not watched it yet? I haven't seen it yet. I haven't even heard of it. Dude, it's so funny. Really? I feel weird watching kids. It's fucking... You'll get over it in a sec. Really? Because it's written by adults. That's true. And it's...
Just a bunch of freshmen who were terrified of being freshmen in high school. That it was the most awkward time. It's just fucking killer. All right. It's hilarious, and it's got heart. It's great. All right. I'm going to watch it. Watch it, dude. Okay.
We had the Churning Brothers on the pod who wrote it, and I feel bad I didn't watch it before it came out, but I don't feel as bad that Mark hasn't even seen it yet. You should watch it. It's really great.
All right. I can't wait. And they read our script and liked it.
oh yeah what uh who who Netflix did uh these churning brothers who wrote this oh nice yeah yeah all right I'll check it out check it out it's all it's so good but yeah there's a there's an Instagram account called kids in the 80s and it's high school kids and they all look like they're 71 it's fucking weird man I don't get it that it wasn't that long ago I don't understand what happened
So we're getting better looking. Look at J-Lo.
Yeah. Oh, they just got divorced again, huh?
That's true. Didn't she just get divorced again?
100%.
Because she does not look happy ever.
No. No. No, and neither does Affleck.
Does she laugh? I think she could laugh. She's a New Yorker. She might laugh. There she is laughing.
There you go.
But you know what I mean? Don't trust someone who doesn't laugh. That's such a weird thing.
But she's laughing at like sucking someone's soul. Yeah. That's not a real laugh. Yeah. And no one is allowed to look her in the eye. So maybe that keeps you. No way.
Like a barista with me.
Yeah. That's on a writer. That's a real thing. That's out there.
I've heard that. Yeah. Yeah. Don't look at me. No, that's a real thing. I've heard it. Certain actors, you can't look at them.
I want to put that on my writer. Fuck it. I like it.
geez eye contact too intense i think that's when you lost this when you're drinking your own cool egg when you can't have people look at you get over yourself right i mean what the fuck are we talking about yeah i mean what's that all what did uh bill burr had a thing where he's some one of his favorite rock stars puts a hood up and that means don't talk to me and then hey if the hood's down i'm um i'm willing to socialize god what's his take on that
He said it's a good move because you don't have to look like a dick. You know, if you're like, I can't talk right now, I'm going to go in my room and lock the door. But if you've got the hood up, everybody just goes, ah, he needs a minute. He's an introvert.
What if you're in the KKK? Ooh.
The hood means. I was trying to think of a joke that you got me. Yeah.
And another thing, if the TV's in front of me, like this whole show, I'm just looking at the TV. Yeah. I'm the only child who grew up with TV as my best friend. I'm just like, ooh. I can't. I got it. You guys are humans. Dog in front of me.
No.
Why am I looking at the fucking TV?
Oh, I do that with a bar. You ever on a date with a girl at a bar? Yes, impossible to not look at the fuck. Oh, here's a peeve.
Okay. Try to interrupt. Commercials are so loud and they're legally allowed to make the commercial louder so they know if you go to take a piss in the bathroom, you're going to hear the commercial. So commercials are like a few octaves louder than the show you're watching. I hate it. So I remember growing up, my dad would always mute the commercials, so I'd do that as a habit.
And I'll notice people do, like, what are you muting it for? I'm like, do you need to hear the commercial?
Right.
Like, we don't need to fill our brains with a fucking loud ad. You're right. It's so annoying.
That's a good peeve.
Good peeve. Yeah, they do that.
That's a wreck and a peeve. Mute it, and it's a peeve.
And I used to watch TV to go to bed when I was a kid.
Oh, my God, still. I can't. Yeah, it's like the podcast. I need to have something on.
What's a comfort go-to-bed show for you?
Oh, um...
oh man that's a good question something you don't have to pay attention to like uh my comfort movie my favorite movie that that i i just love uh is midnight run it's something that movie is the perfect movie and it's the only thing it doesn't have is a love story but there's a seven minute scene in the middle of the movie where he has to go borrow money from his ex-wife and his daughter's there and it's the most moving scene heartbreaking
And I think it's De Niro's funniest role. Him and Groden together, it's the perfect movie, man. I agree.
Wow.
So good. It's so good.
Joe List used to say that doing the road with me was like Midnight Runs. We would just fucking beat each other's throats. Yeah. Great movie.
I got to rewatch it. I haven't seen it. It's Marty Brest.
It's pretty fantastic. It's like a perfect movie. And all the cameos. Every character actor is in it. Fucking Dennis Farina in National. Oh, wow. What's his name from The Sopranos? Joe Pantoliano? He plays such a good scumbag. Joey Pants.
He's great. I love Roden. Was he a comic? Where did he come from?
He wasn't a comic. I think he was like a theater actor.
Oh, okay.
In that Gene Wilder documentary, there's like a whole thing on him. He was mean to Gene Wilder, telling him he'd never make it because he had an ugly face and he made him work harder.
Well, you're going into comedy. You could be ugly. Exactly.
Come on. Yeah, that's a great movie. That's my comfort background movie that I could just have on. That's a good one. Yeah.
All right, I got a peeve for you. Please. Now, I was just in Martha's Vineyard with the lady, so it's a lot of lady time.
Was it good overall?
It was great. It was great. We had a great time. You can't not have fun there. The beach all day, drinks at night, the food, the shrimp, the oysters, you know, it's great.
That's perfect. Perfect. Where do you stay when you're there?
We get like a little hotel right on the beach. Oak Bluffs.
and it's great and her sister's there with their kids so they have a pool so you can pop it on that do a little barbecue jump in the pool poke the kids and then get get the hell out uh but this is my my wife will do this one we'll walk by we'll be like hey we're gonna go get lunch let's go get lunch and we'll walk by a restaurant she'll go you want to go here or you want to go somewhere else
And I'm like, well, I guess we're going here now. Those are the options already. We can go here or we can go anywhere else. But you're pointing to here. So obviously, I'm like, just tell me you want to go here.
You want to suck my dick or do something else?
Yeah, exactly. She wanted to do something else. But yeah, so it drove me crazy. I was like, just say you want to go here. She's like, I don't care. Well, you pointed this one out out of all the thousand restaurants. So just say it. Just own it.
You know what I love to do when you're debating what to order with the lady? I was like, give me three types of foods. There's four different types of foods.
Yeah.
So easy. Give me three. And she can now, I'm like, all right, I'll give you three.
What do you mean? Like Asian, like sushi, Indian, sushi, pizza, fucking three. Yeah.
And I'll, and I'm, I'm good with it, but you got to give me three. Yeah. Give you three. Sometimes. That's crazy. Usually I have to give the three and then she's like that one. I'm like, all right.
That's the problem with, like, the Cheesecake Factory. It's too many options. Give me eight options, I'll pick something. That's why they say, too, I don't know how to parent. I don't have kids. But they say that you should never ask your kids, like, where do you want to eat? It gives them anxiety. You're supposed to, like, tell them where we're going to eat here.
If you ask a kid, they just start getting scrambling. And then at the casino, they're doing coke sucking dick.
Yeah. That's how I started. Yep. I'd say Cheesecake Factory. It's too many options. What are we doing? You're like, how does an omelet have 3,600 calories?
I know, right? It's crazy. Oh, they say the calories on there? Oh, I hate that. You have to. But everyone in there is fat as shit, so you're fucked if you're in there. If you're in there, you're getting fat.
Why is it called the Cheese? Do they have a factory that makes cheesecakes?
It's the last factory in America. They're all going away.
Let me grab my phone. I got a couple of recs.
Oh, you see? He's addicted. He can't stop. I'm just kidding.
I got to show you something else. I'll send it to you if you could throw it on if you want. Fuck.
All right, I got some wrecks and peeves.
You want to do wrecks or you want to do something else?
Oh, yeah, let's do it. I already gave like four wrecks today. You guys do the wrecks.
Oh, I don't know why this bothers me. You ever accidentally call someone and you're like, no, because then they see you called and then they call you. Yes. And you pocket dial and it just, oh, I'm going to kill myself.
It's hard to pocket dial now with the iPhone.
It happens.
But it happens, yeah. It happens.
Or I wrote this, loud commercials. And were you ever in a taxi or an Uber and the guy's blaring commercials?
Oh. What are we doing?
You don't hear this?
The taxi... I'm loyal to the taxis here, but there are so many problems. In a world with no ratings, it's madness. It's madness. They've not been called... It's literally like... They're like single people. They haven't been called on their shit. Yes. So they're just like...
going to behave horribly yeah meanwhile the uber they've been raided but i i'm still lord of the cabs yeah you love the cabs you're new york i'm a new york guy they got done dirty it's fucked up but you go in there and it smells like shit half the time and then i i didn't ride back from jfk and you're like oh fuck it's like 90 minutes and he's just on the phone like like i just like yelling i'm like you don't have to yell it yeah who's on the other end just some guy like
No, he's doing the same thing.
Yeah, that's true. They're just screaming back and forth. They're never like, yeah, yeah, I did this. That's true. It's never once. Never that.
This one's Whisper. It's always at an 11.
Look at the Rex.
Get a life. Hey, nice.
You did it. Get a life. You're one of the few that come prepped. We don't have to even prompt. Yeah.
Yeah, but along with the butt dial, you ever done this one? I'm on Instagram, and, you know, sometimes a little notification will pop down. Oh, my God. So I'm like, hold on. Yep. So I'm like, oh, how about that? And you click on it, and it's actually Godfrey's doing a live video right now. And you're like, oh, shit, I don't want to be in Godfrey's live video. Ah.
I don't want to watch Godfrey work out and talk to the camera, and so you have to click out, click out, but he probably saw you coming in. He's like, hey, Mark.
Hey, Mark, you're staying right here. Watch me do Cosby, motherfucker.
And I like Godfrey, but I don't want to watch somebody's private video or whatever.
He is hilarious. He's a great guest on here, too.
Great guest.
He's so fucking fun. He is fun. Do people still go live on Instagram? Oh, yeah, all the time. I do it like once a year. If I have a special come out, I'm like, hey, guys, watch my special. That's how I am.
Oh, congrats on the special, man. It fucking came out great. Thanks, dude. Love it.
Prime Video, same girl you've changed. Wasn't trying to do that.
I mean, it was, yeah, it just looked so good, too, man. The suit, the set, I mean, it was sexy.
Tan France, thank you, buddy. That suit was his idea. Oh, really? Was that your boy that directed it? No, that's my friend James Webb. No, Tan France is from Queer Eye. I was like, what suit do I wear? Oh, nice.
That was smart.
He didn't have to get it tailored.
It fit perfectly. That's smart.
That's like having a card counter in Vegas. You got a gay fashion guy helping you dress. The gay fashion guy. The guy.
Yeah, because wearing a suit, don't you feel different when you wear a suit? Like I know to walk different.
I feel more like there's like a swagger and a confidence. You what? I did a gig in Vegas like a few weeks before and I was like, let me throw a suit on so it doesn't feel weird because it's, you know. I can't keep telling. Yeah.
All right. I'm not just going to keep telling the story when I see what's coming. Couldn't get it out. I had to do the weird not shit. Like the end of New Jack City. He's like, fuck you, man. I was doing a lot of dial gauging down there. Like, don't open it up too much, but keep it closed so it makes a noise.
You ever notice how when you're almost home, your body knows you're going to take a shit soon?
That's fascinating. Oh, my God. Your body knows as the keys open. You have a full 90s comic there. You ever notice? Yeah.
it's not just about to be home i was on a zoom podcast the other day i'm doing my friend's zoom pod and i felt the shit coming on oh shit just please wrap it up it's been over an hour he's gonna wrap it up and uh just as we're about to wrap up he's like well if you want to plug anything i'm like oh great this shit's about to plug my ass but then it just turns into another five minutes another five minutes and my body's like dude it's like your body's like dude come on yeah
Wrap it up. I'm not fucking talking.
Yeah, yeah. But nothing better when your ass hits that scene. It just...
Full fire hose. That's one of the best feelings, and one of the best feelings is when you first get in a hotel room, whip off those pants.
Yes. Yeah, I get a pod going on the sink, and I'm just shitting like a toddler.
Oh, yeah. Well, they say, so I got the, what's it called, the epidemiology. What's it called when they check your butthole?
Etymology.
Etymology. Oh, is it called the rhododendron when they check your asshole? Is that what that's called? No, there's a word for it when you go to get your colonoscopy.
There it is. Damn, that was like, I think I'm going to nail that. Yeah. Yeah.
And you're the youngest. There's a rec. Go get your ass checked.
How is that?
You're supposed to do it at 50, but now they say 45. You want to make sure you don't have any problems down there. Used to be 40. Oh, I thought it was 50, and it went down to 45. Oh, I don't know. Either way, if you're in your 40s, there's a rec. Go check your butthole.
There you go.
Wait, there was a point of what I was just saying.
Shitting at the hotel room. It feels good to shit. Check your ass. There's a rec.
Check your ass.
Etymology. Oh, man, there was something. Colonoscopy.
This beer's pretty good. I haven't had a beer in a while.
It's a good beer.
Whoever picked these, good job. Yeah, man, thank you, dude.
No, no. I got to do two shows tonight in Jersey. Oh, where in Jersey? Stress Factory. Stretch Factory? Stress. Oh. I am working out. I'm trying to get my... Wait.
Oh, man. I had a good thing about the butthole. Anyway, I'll think of it when I leave here.
Milk in the prostate?
Prostate. I learned about that from Road Trip.
So did I.
I was like a 13-year-old kid in the movie theater, like, a woman's finger has to go up your ass? I know, and I was like, oh, good to know. I'll try this tonight.
I rent a place in L.A. from my buddy, and he has the Japanese toilet seats. Those are warm. At first, your instinct is, oh, this is warm. Someone just took a shit here. You're like, oh, no, it's heated. And, man, is that a whole other level of luxury. I had the same feeling at Grand Central. I was like, this is heated. Here's the rec. Here's the rec. My doctor told me. You got it back?
I got it back. He said, don't bring your phone into the bathroom when you take a shit. Because when you're sitting on the toilet, if you're wasting time on your phone, that's what causes hemorrhoids is your body sitting there. So don't just sit there on your phone because you'll sit there for eight times longer than you would if you just went in there to drop a deuce without your phone.
So don't bring your phone in the bathroom. You'll get in and out quicker. How about a book? Sitting there doomsday. How about a book?
Same shit.
i guess same thing i got a book in there too so i'll mix it up yeah just like i guess you limit your time sitting there because your body like interview books like in the in the bathroom and you just read a passage interview books yeah like oh yeah you know like an interview i brought in the cheesecake factory man well remember as a kid i was reading ajax i had the you know the the like the scrub shit mr bubbles i'm just reading anything because you're so bored shitting
I remember, yeah, I was taking an Uber over here from Brooklyn and I was like on my phone, I'm like, just look out the window. And then I'm like, just enjoy the view. And then I'm like, I look out, it's like industrial. There's no view to enjoy. But I'm like, you used to just look out the window and like ponder and have a thought and come up with something instead of just feeding your brain.
Like you will create a thought instead of mindless scroll.
But then it's the great debate of like, did I think of more shit when I was just wandering out the window? Or do I think of more shit because I'm being stabilized by the Gaza, by porn, by fistfights, by animal attacks? Who knows?
Gaza strip club.
There you go. They were wearing full burkas. It was a bummer.
Anything else in the works? Any movies that you're coming up that you're pumped about?
Let's see. Yeah, no auditioning. You got any audition tips, by the way?
I got a good note that I got from Zoe. I'm here shooting Poker Face, which is a good show, so I'm shooting that.
Natasha Lyonne.
Yeah, Natasha Lyonne. But Zoe Kravitz gave me a really good note. I was on set doing our... Yeah, man.
All right, that was the last one. I have to lean my way. Lean my way.
Sophie's choice there.
I hit him last time.
So Zoe said to me, I kept wanting to add stuff in the scene. I'd be like, hey, in this one, can I... You know, what if I did this? I always wanted to make a meal out of it. And one day she goes, Simon... You're enough. And it was like, oh shit. It was one of those light bulb moments. I don't need to add a fucking like shtick to every scene. She's like, you're enough. Just do the laugh.
Mark, did you hear that one? You don't have to fart every two minutes.
You're enough, buddy.
It's never not funny. But she was right. And it was like, oh, my God, that's that simple. She's right. What a good note. And since she told me that, that's kind of been my mantra when I'm shooting something. It's like, you're enough, dude. You don't got to especially like it ain't theater where you got to do some loud, big performance for the last.
Yeah.
The fucking camera's so tight on your face. You don't got to do a lot. And your instinct is to act. and perform, and it's taken me 25 years of doing this shit to be at a place where I can just relax and not act. I know it sounds pretentious, but it's true. My advice is don't act. Just be normal, but that's not easy to do. That takes a lot of time.
I imagine for you guys doing stand-up, how long it took for you guys to be relaxed and just do the jokes and not be tight. You know what I mean? Just fucking relax. Let's get one of your specials names, Don't Be Yourself.
Yeah, exactly. That's just a good motto. You're enough.
Exactly. And in anything, having dinner, I don't know. I think I feel the need to entertain and perform and people please. And it's like, dude, just relax.
Yeah.
So that was a good note that she gave me.
A very good note.
Yeah. Thanks, Zoe.
Just you're enough. That's heavy. I know.
It was kind of deep.
Because I have the same thing. I always think I've got to be on and do this. And then you'll watch some guy. I'm like, that guy's never on. But he's enough. I still like him here. Yeah. Yeah. That's good advice.
Like, if the joke's good, you don't got to do too much. No, no. Is that called act-outs? Is that a thing? Is that taboo in comedy to do an act-out?
No. I mean, Pryor did a lot of act-outs. Yeah. I think if the joke calls for it. Yeah. I guess it depends on the comic. Yeah. I think, like, comics, we're snobs. We want a good joke. Like, Stephen Wright ain't doing an act-out. No.
No, because the jokes are good enough. Yeah.
But, you know, there's some great act-out guys.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. You just want the writing to be enough. Yeah.
Right. But it's another gear, man. Burr will do act outs. That helicopter story. Yeah, I mean, and we do it sometimes.
Yeah, yeah. This is about as far as I'll go. So I was digging the other day. That's something. That's an act out.
I've got some longer stories in my last couple hours, so it's like I'll do – I'm not, like, physical, but I'll do, like, a little act out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, man.
But I saw you do a set at the Cellar I came to see recently. You literally – I was watching, and you literally leaned against the wall with one foot up, and it looked like you were, like, in high school just hanging with the boys, and it made the set so interesting, and you were doing nothing. It was like you being relaxed made it more – I can't explain it, man.
It's just like being too wound up is like the enemy of anything, of the energy of it. If you're relaxed, I think the audience will be more relaxed and things will come up and you're not tight. And your body language was so chill. You were just like, whatever. I could be here. I could not be here. And it was more interesting to watch.
Well, it's like, you know, when the crowd's small, it's like you kind of play to that small energy. Yeah. So it's like if it's like 80 people, I kind of play. But if I'm in a bigger venue, I'll kind of up it a little bit. I kind of try to match their energy. But, yeah, they were – look, I was doing new shit. A lot of it was nothing.
But as long as you leave with a few, you're like, all right, I'm fucking –
Same with an orgy. One lady versus ten people. You're going to bring a different energy.
That's true. Yeah, if there's like six people there, you probably have to be like, are you good? And I'll jerk you off for a second. I'll fucking work the room a little and act out.
To your point, you ever seen UFC fighters? Like the relaxed guy, you know, he's just kind of like this. And he's like looking at the other guys. Yeah. That guy always loses.
The guy who comes out who's relaxed is scarier than the guy who's like, ah!
Scarier.
Yeah, that's not natural to who we are at this point. Like, you know, if I were doing that, it would be not me. It would be me putting it on. Right. Like, if I'm me, that's the energy. That's right. And it just feels more honest to them, I think. And they probably feel more comfortable. They're like, oh, he's not, like, putting something on. Right. Yeah. You're always putting something on, but...
Or if your shtick is like Sam Kinison where you're running around yelling, I guess that's different. But that's a different animal.
But I bet you dialed it back in a small venue. Probably.
And that's another thing. I relate to you guys because I've heard you talk about if you're performing at the Garden or something, that's the dream. But man, when the first row, the person's 30 feet away from you, how not intimate that is. It's a different room. You would think it's better.
Yeah.
But I prefer a little room. When I was doing my music thing for Dirt Nasty, I wanted a little dive bar. And if it was like a big place where the crowd was removed from you, it didn't feel as magic. You weren't connected or something.
I know.
Smaller rooms.
Yeah, smaller.
But you got to do the big ones too.
Yeah, you do what you can.
You do everything. You guys both did the garden? No, I've never done MSG.
Did you do the garden? I've only opened for people there. But you did the garden, technically did the garden.
A couple times, yeah. What's the biggest one you've done? My own or just open? Yeah, anything. Yeah, performed at.
You know, we both did a bunch of arenas with Amy back in the day. I did a bunch of Sandler's arena shows. Burt, we did the Burt. Yeah, we've done a lot of big arena shows, but the biggest one on our own, I think probably somewhat similar.
Yeah, yeah, definitely. Definitely.
Like MSG Theater was probably the biggest I've done on my own.
You guys listen to that? I'm sorry. No, no.
I was going to say, is it hard? There's that many people. I don't know why that seems like it would be harder for comedy for some reason. Like too many people.
Oh, it's way harder. It's weird. Because comedy is all about a conversation and connecting. That's right. And now it's so much easier to lose people.
And also your style becomes more of that, I think, the more you do it. So I think my broadest hour is my first hour, honestly.
It had to be.
Don't you feel that way too about you?
Yeah, of course. Yeah. I mean, you had to be broad because no one knew who you were. So you had to appeal to everybody.
If you're bombing a corporate, don't you find yourself going back to like that?
Yeah. I do it too.
It's the old shit. You're kind of just trying to tread water and you're like, this shit killed in America has got talent.
right let me fucking bring out this fucking safe one for the corporate one so i don't totally die yeah point yeah it's like i remember going to see the stones and they're like we're gonna do a new song and no one cared they want the old shit give us the old shit well it's funny how rock and roll or music is the opposite you know in the beginning they're playing their niche cool punk songs and everybody goes they sold out man they went mainstream whereas comics are mainstream in the beginning just to get some traction and then you can become you
Yeah, but Billy Joel gets so much love for putting out like one new song in 30 years.
Ah, it must be nice.
And I liked the song. I thought it was good. But it's also like, man, he's also got such a crazy catalog that like, of course you just want to hear that stuff live. You're like, I want my, that's a pricey ticket.
you want to hear yeah the hits vienna and piano man and you know we didn't start the fire all that stuff so vince vaughn oh great you're a good singer vince vaughn vince vaughn performs vienna in the movie we did easy's waltz he plays a lounge singer and he went and took singing lessons so he plays like this kind of you know alcoholic lounge singer and he performed vienna and he kind of does a lounge version of all these songs and uh
I didn't even know that was, whose song was it? Billy Joel? Yeah, so it's really cool when you watch the movie, Vince is just performing. Yeah, he's actually singing. And can he sing? Yes, and it's his voice. It's obviously his voice. He has a cool voice. He's got his deep Vince Vaughn thing, and he's just kind of throwing it away.
Speaking of throwing it away, he's just lounge singing, and it's just so cool. How did he train for that?
He went to singing lessons. Can a singing teacher, can they take you from like,
hear to hear or can they hear to hear like what do they take it's a good question i bet i don't know i mean i guess i think he went from zero to something because he had never sang before but uh he just has a cool voice yeah he has a cool voice and uh yeah i can't imagine him singing okay yeah okay
I can't even do Vince Vaughn, but he has such a distinct style of talking.
My point is, do you think a singing coach could make it so Mark and I have a decent singing voice?
See, I think Whitney Houston was born with that voice.
That's what I mean.
I think you either got it or you don't, and you can probably get better. I said this before. I don't know if I said it here, but I remember going to a comedy class here in New York, and I was like, none of these people are funny. They're not going to learn to be funny. Right. That's true. It's in you.
You can learn the math of a joke a little bit, but you can't. Funny is funny.
It's like a rhythm. It is music. But Shatner doesn't have a great voice. He just is like, that's me.
Right. Right, right. Whitney Houston had pipes. Just put that together. Too bad no drain. All right, I'll tell you. All right, you're all right. He took a bath on that one. Okay.
Did she die in the bath?
Yeah. I thought that's what we were doing. What the hell? She died in Bed Bath & Beyond. Horrible tragedy.
I've told this story before, but I remember the night she died, I was playing this club in Knoxville, opening for a guy. Side splitters? Yeah, back in the day. And it was the same night Jeremy Lin went for 38 against the Lakers. And every tweet was just, Lin-sanity, Lin-sanity. And someone tweeted, Whitney Houston died. That's Lin-sane.
Oh, man.
Yeah, that Linsanity was nuts. He just was like a one-month phenomenon. It was unbelievable.
It was Asian hype.
He was awesome. It was cool. Asian sensation. Yeah, you guys got a good team now. The Knicks, you guys got something to be excited about. My Warriors are done. It's time for a new... Yeah, but Steph in the Olympics was fucking... That was crazy.
That just added to his legacy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Amazing. He's a badass.
He's a bad man.
What, they were talking shit, so they stepped it up? I missed the beginning.
Well, he, I mean, he, I think, you know, against Jokic was Serbia, right? Was that the last?
Was that the final one?
Second to last. Second to last. The free throw line talking a lot of shit, and I'm like.
you never see Steph but he is so competitive but he's got that baby face you don't like that the baby face assassin but that's right talking all this shit at the free throw line hit both of them ice the game yeah then that last game he just four in a row they were all insane all contested shots unbelievable and it's that crazy shot of LeBron and Durant just open and he's just like fuck it drains it like wow yeah I watched a montage and it was it put like classic music behind it and they made it in slow motion it was it was beautiful he's phenomenal
He's good for the sport, man.
Beautiful eyes. Is he mixed?
Yeah, his mom is mixed and his dad is black.
Oh, so the mom is already mixed. Pre-mixed.
So he's like a three-quarter mixie.
Can we pull up the parents? I want to do a little eugenics here.
Etymology. Brown noise. Mom is an attractive woman.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Hotmom.com. Now, you guys, was it, I remember seeing the draft when you guys didn't pick Steph Curry and all the- No, no, no.
Oh, no.
He went to pick before. He went before, but there was something that happened. I saw the fans ripping their jerseys off and stepping on them because they, or maybe that was the year. You guys passed on someone one year and they were pissed that it wasn't like-
That one wasn't our fault. I mean, the T-Wolves drafted two point guards before him. He went like seventh. Yep. And the Timberwolves took two point guards ahead of him.
Unbelievable. Steph Curry.
Wow. I don't think anybody knew he'd be that, I mean. Yeah. But he was fucking awesome in college. He was just at a tiny, he was a Davidson. Like, you don't know. Like a division three. Joe Zimmerman knew him in college. Really? Yeah, Joe played golf in college.
What? Did you see him hit that hole-in-one? That was pretty cool. He hit a hole-in-one on TV in a tournament.
Yeah, he's just a freak athlete. He's a freak. He could probably retire basketball and be a pro golfer if he wanted. Really? Probably. He's that good at sports. I mean, he's...
Man, the basketball people love golf, it seems.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe I'm just thinking of Jordan.
Putting the ball in the hole, baby.
I think they do, man. I think they love golf.
You ever notice, too, people always want to be something else? I'm sure you guys get it. A lot of people want to be comics, or a lot of rappers want to be actors, or a lot of actors want to be... Everyone wants to be something else.
That's true. Not me. I like being a comic and a white male. Life is good, man. People always say comics want to be rock stars. I'm like, I don't want to be a rock star. Some douche with tight leather pants on and long hair.
Yeah, I don't want to take myself seriously.
Yeah.
I like that I have that to fall back on.
Yeah, what am I? I'm going to be Steven Tyler out there? No, thank you. I like sitting at a bar, telling a joke, and making fun of fat people.
Yeah, that's a superpower is, I think, not taking yourself too seriously. I heard PTA, Paul Thomas Anderson, I sound like a name dropper, but he said this. One of my faves. He's awesome. He said, I don't take myself seriously, but I take my work very seriously.
There you go.
And that's it. That's the way to do it.
I think that's the formula. There's that famous quote, I think it's Gustave Flaubert said, be violent in your work and ordinary in your life. Yeah. That's a good one.
chris brown was the opposite damn i like that a lot yeah that's good be violent in your work i just re-watched magnolia fuck it's good yeah it's good oh so good he doesn't miss me but that whole character that whole character thing of uh philip baker hall is like did you fuck our daughter and he's like i don't remember what is this a tim robinson sketch i don't know i don't know if i
Fuck the kid.
What's his name in that? It's so likable. Oh, the tall guy for the comedy guy. John C. Reilly. Nazi Reilly? John C. Reilly.
Oh, Nazi Reilly. He's awesome, isn't he?
Yeah, he's great in it.
I don't love what they did with the ending, but the movie's incredible. It's beautiful.
Tom Cruise is awesome.
And the energy of the movie is, like, insane. Yeah. Yes. The zooms and the... The music and, like, the cutting, all these... It's, like, clearly influenced by, like, Robert Altman. Yeah. And, like, bam, bam, bam, all these things happening at once.
Boogie Nights did that, too. He did a lot of the zoom.
I like that one even better.
He did a lot of it. Boogie Nights is fucking phenomenal. Yeah, what's his best movie? What's P.T. 's best movie? Boogie Nights, for sure. Boogie Nights, for sure.
Phenomenal. That's his first one.
That's one of the best movies ever. It's fucking incredible. Great movie. Mark Wahlberg's best. Yeah, he's awesome.
I don't think you can top that. Yeah, I don't think so either. But he's made some other great shit, too. Oh, yeah, Punch Drunk. That was good. Punch Drunk was really good. The Whoopi Blood was good.
Oh, that's my favorite.
The Whoopi Blood was really good. Over the Boogie Nights.
Yeah, I just love that movie. But I saw Inherent Vice on a date, and boy, was that a shit show.
Like not a good movie?
No, just boring and the date wasn't going great. I made a move. I got shut down.
You're not re-watching There Will Be Blood like you're re-watching. Yeah, exactly.
It's funny you say that because I always see it. I'm like, I want to watch it, but it's a hard watch.
It's brutal, but it's still kind of fun. Yeah. I mean, Boogie Nights, not There Will Be Blood.
Yeah, that's not fun at all. But man, what a movie. Saw that in the theater as well. How about Tom Cruise and those tighty-whities looking pretty good, huh?
Man. He's doing a movie I heard in outer space. Can we look this up? He's doing a movie in outer space, truly in orbit. He's just trying to kill himself. No, I know. At this point, he's just like, how am I going to kill myself? Well, he jumped off the cliff in that one movie for real, right? Oh, yeah. But I think he's doing a movie in outer space and he had to learn how to load the camera.
in outer space weightless because it's just him and the director in orbit shooting a movie and it's just the two of them and i'm like dude he's the best movie star of all time but if you really go to outer space and do a movie just you and the director how do you top that but just be gay already you gotta do all this stuff to prove it yeah it's so much easier to suck a cock i know learn this outer space stuff this is crazy well you'll be in uranus oh is it maybe is this it
Wait, what does he say?
I think he's got... Yeah, I think he's hiding something. I mean, he's a Scientologist for all these years. Something's up.
Yeah, something's going on.
But look, I'm glad to have him as an actor. He is a great movie star. Great movie. He's the movie star.
He's the movie star. There's not that many left.
Yeah, Top Gun... You know he wouldn't take his Taiwan patch off on Top Gun? And China's like, we're not going to take the movie if you don't take that patch off. And he goes, leave it. So they probably lost out on billions of dollars selling it to China. But he wanted to keep the patch. Wow. Patch Adams. Yeah.
That's so stupid.
I love it.
He's good to be back, man. What are we doing?
Nicotine patch.
by the way you know it's one of those things where like you could just do you know the technology they have in films you can just shoot this and no one you could just say you went to outer space and didn't go right i know i fucking know yeah yeah gravity looked great it's great and won oscars it's almost it's almost fucked up you're like costing some people work yeah oh yeah he's just going to space there's no crew out there and there's no location scouting either just in space you don't have to pay for the uh the building
Probably cheaper to go to space to shoot movies, to be honest. Now, how long do we get the first porno in space? That's coming.
The cum shot's going to be off.
Just going to hang up there? Yeah.
When they go to the bathroom up there, does it go out into space?
I got the title. Black holes.
A mission to Mars. Wait, a vacuum. Oh, it goes into the bathroom. Toilets are peeing and pooping. The bathrooms have thresholds to keep them. Oh, wow. It sucks them to the toilet so they don't float away. Wow.
Oh, so they figured this out. Okay. Wow. I mean, you think these pilots. What was that? Boeing? Those two astronauts are stuck till 2025. You see that?
Wait, they're stuck in outer space?
Yeah. Oh, fuck. It's supposed to be an eight-day trip.
That's eight months away, six months away. Yeah, but it's supposed to be an eight-day trip. Oh, fuck.
They don't have enough food. The longest delay of all time. Stuck in space with just 96 hours of oxygen. Holy shit. Are they going to die?
Hope so. That would sound great. Dude, I was on the phone with Delta yesterday just complaining about a flight. Yeah. And Anthony just sees me on the street because he was picking me up for a road gig. He was sitting on the street going, well, you better fucking figure it out. And I'm just holding Winnie.
He looked like the fucking craziest angry person just screaming at someone on the phone. Does she get mad when you're mad? Is she like... She's always mad. Look at her. Yeah, I got to give a shout out to my buddy. During the crowd strike, you remember that whole thing for a week where they were canceling every flight? Uh-huh. System went down. He got fucked.
He was stuck in Iowa for two days because his flights got screwed up. So he got a hotel. He had to get another flight. His flight home was three grand. So he's like, I'm getting money back from Delta. They're paying for all this. I'm like, good luck. He's like, watch me. That was like three weeks ago. He just got paid. So well done.
Well done. Did it take him three weeks of calling every day?
You have to do the complaints. It's a whole thing. Yeah. I used to have a joke about this in an old special. We don't do complaints. It's a real thing. They don't. They have a complaint division that you can't call. So they can email and they just count on you tiring.
Is this all airlines or just Delta? I think it's probably all airlines. Uber too. Because I'm a Delta guy. I like Delta now. Delta used to suck and now Delta's the jam. There are people getting raped in Ubers and Ubers.
You can talk to a robot about it.
Yeah, right.
I thought you were going to say there's people getting raped in Delta flights. No, just on the fucking money. Yeah. The mileage. Comfort rape.
When I came over here, actually, I took a cab or Uber from Brooklyn to my boy's place. And then I took the train up here because I'm luckily at a level of fame where I could be on the train. I don't know if I ever want to be like... Pete Davidson or Paris Hilton or Charlie Sheen. They can't take the train. I like taking the train. I'm a perfect level.
And I came out of the train on 34th and Broadway, and I just had a deja vu 30 years ago in 94, moving to New York on a one-way ticket on Tower Air. Tower Air. And the belt buckle, I remember, was a Pan Am buckle. And my friend had like a TWA buckle on Tower Air, which was like 150 bucks one way.
Way better than Twin Tower Air.
Yeah, right? In 94. And I just had a flashback of, holy shit, 30 years ago. My first time, it was a snowstorm. And I came to New York on a one-way ticket.
Wow.
And then I remember going to see like I'd go to the cellar and like Bill Burr and Chappelle would be doing stand up at the cellar for like 12 people at one in the morning. They were nobodies. Unreal. It was New York was special back then, man. I got to live here in the 90s. It was like still felt like the 80s. It was still like pre Giuliani, Times Square, pimps and hookers, sex booths. Oh, man.
New York was wild. Whoa. I loved it. Yeah. Tower Air. Where are you coming from? San Francisco on a one-way fucking flight.
Baby, were you nervous? I mean, that's a cross-country life change.
Yeah, it was exciting. And I went and stayed at a friend of a friend's apartment. And we get there, and the friend was like, what, you brought your boys? And we moved to New York, and we're sleeping on the floor of some dude who didn't want us in his apartment.
Oh, classic.
This was before internet, cell phone. Then you just had to figure it out. And that's his history. Here we are. Damn. 30 fucking years ago.
I remember when I first moved here, getting out of the cab. The cab was $45. I was staying at my mom's friends in Brooklyn for the first couple nights because I didn't know anyone or whatever. And she hated this, too. You know, you're barging into someone's New York life. People in New York are already scraping by. And then I'm like, hey, I'm 22, here to do stand-up comedy. But whatever.
So all I had was three 20s. And I remember giving it to the cabbie and I went...
uh it's 45 i got 320s he goes all right thank you and i was like huh and he just took the money and i was that was out of money then that was all i had that was it yeah because i worked $15 tip i worked a restaurant that's that's a fucking hilarious scene in the movie though yoink yoinked me and i he was like well you got a tip but i was like i guess you got a tip he could have given you a 10 it'd be nice a big tip give him a $15 tip i was i was i was a hayseed i was a rube i was a southern you could tell hard yeah you could feel it on me you weren't fucking overalls
A little straw in your mouth. I got the bag with the stick on it.
Did you have an accent back then that you lost? No, I never had one. Yeah.
I grew up in the city, so we don't really have one. We say y'all. Yeah. And we say, we take our T-H's and do a D. How's your mom and them? That's a big New Orleans thing.
Yeah, Louisiana, baby. Yeah.
It got purchased. That's true. But then I moved to Crown Heights. Landlord died of AIDS. Yeah. Got mugged immediately. And I lived as a Jewish side, Hasidic Jew and a Caribbean black. One big highway going down the middle, and I lived on the black side. So all the black guys thought I was Jewish. They were like, you're on the wrong side, motherfucker.
And I'm like, actually, they don't want me either.
No, but you could pass as a Jew.
I could pass, but they were like orthodox.
Yeah. Come to the dark side.
They'd pull up in their minivan and be like, get in, get in. And I was like, I'm not Jewish. And they'd slide that door closed and Hava Nagila.
I still remember Hannibal Buress had that bit about how he didn't know what Orthodox Jewish people were. So he's like, why don't these Amish guys have blackberries?
So true. They look Amish. Very similar.
Yeah.
I did a gig in Lancaster. You ever see the buggies, the horse and buggy out there, the Amish people?
We're in Pennsylvania?
Yeah. Yeah. It's weird because they're at the Wawa. What's a Wawa? Wawa is like a 7-Eleven.
Yeah, but they could pay cash, right? Can they use card?
I don't think so.
Yeah, because how would you pay it?
But you can see them in there. It's like Disneyland. They're like, oh my God, they got a fucking slushy machine. It's just this red glowing slush going on.
Are they allowed to use the slushy machine?
Oh, they were kids, so they were breaking the rules.
Or is it like, you know, Jews on Saturday, you have to have someone come over?
And they're like, they'll turn on the lights. Yeah. What's the holiday call where they allow one guy to come into their village and bang all the women? Rumspringer? I don't think it's that. That's where you leave. That's where you leave. Yeah, yeah. This is something else. And I'm like, how do you get that job?
Wait, wait.
I'll go to an Amish town and fuck everybody.
And you bang the women?
Yeah, because that's all they bring you.
Have you seen the women, dude? I don't know, dude.
It's definitely full of bush.
Oh, yeah.
There's got to be a hot one. Gotta be one.
They don't have a Norelco down there. Yeah.
That's fucking. I've seen Witness. Oh, is that a good one? Oh, it's a great movie. Great movie. I should check that one out.
That's a great movie. Old school. No, I read about that one. I heard it's good.
There's a day where you go in, they let like random dudes go in and plow all the butter churning whores. Sounds good. Oh, yeah.
Oh, that beep I always hear on the pod. That's usually when it goes to a commercial that sounds like you're in a cave.
that was once because we weren't here i do it on my phone everybody's like that's fine and then i get a million comments what do you have recording that on a potato tin can yeah what else anything else to plug some and anything uh geez not really man just uh blink twice is out now go check it out um greedy people's out now and uh Movies are back, baby.
Yeah, movies are back, man. Go see a movie in the theater. It's such a fun thing to have a collective experience where you can't pause it and you can't, you know, you got to watch the whole fucking movie, man. Because I know if I'm at home with the remote and my phone, oh, this is interesting real quick. So I just learned this term, secondary screens. Have you heard this?
So they're making content on streamers called secondary screens, meaning they know they can't compete with you on your phone at home, so they're making it dumbed down so you don't have to pay attention to the whole storyline. Therefore, the end of the art of making, because they know you're on your phone, so they just make it dumb so you don't have to pay attention every day.
Just a guy yelling, oh, I'm getting shot right now.
secondary screens man so yeah put your phone away go to a movie and enjoy it and have a collective experience I got to go see the premiere of blink twice and people are yelling and cheering and it man it was great I'm pumped I can't wait to see it man yeah man it came out great it got a certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes What are we looking at? Oh, 75. Oh, it went down to 78. It was yesterday.
I think 80 is certified fresh. Oh, shit.
I think. You dropped a peg.
Yeah, we dropped a couple. So everyone out there, go vote it up. Even if you haven't seen it, let's get fresh, baby.
How about that Tatum? He's a hunk.
He's a hunk, man. He's a really sweet guy, too. He had his ice bath delivered down to Mexico.
Whoa.
So I'd go to his room and ice bath like Rogan style. And he had it down in the jungle. I'd be like, hey, man, can I use your ice bath? And we'd do rounds. He can't take the subway, but he could have an ice bath delivered to Mexico. How long do you go in the ice bath? Well, I don't know if this is true, but I hear that anything over three minutes doesn't matter.
So you don't need to go for anything longer than three. So we would do three minute rounds.
I got an adapter for my tub at home. So it's like, it's not expensive. It makes it an ice bath? Yeah, it freezes the water. Wow. That's a wreck. And it's clunky as fuck. Oh, wow. I'll tell you it's a wreck. I had to use it a couple of times. Oh, you haven't used it yet? No, I used it twice. And look, it woke me the hell up. Oh, yeah.
First thing in the morning, you got to set it up the night before. You just hop in there. You're like, all right, this sucks, but it's also awesome.
Yeah.
My boy Jack. Oh, sorry. Go ahead.
Well, I try to do the ice cold shower, but it's too easy to get in and out. You need the bath.
You need the full immersion. Yeah. If you're just because part of your body isn't getting in, it's worse than getting all the way in. My buddy Jack owns the Russian bathhouse in the East Village.
I love that spot.
It's the fucking best plug. That's a good plug. Go to if you're in New York, go to the and he's got the ice water now.
Yeah.
So you just renovated it recently. So it's all nice and new because it was kind of funky for a while. Yeah. And now it's all renovated, and they got a good ice bath, and they got the three different hot rooms. I love the Schwitz, man. It's great. I'm going to go tomorrow.
I went there with Tim Dillon once. Talk about a sight. Just this fat gay guy holding court, and he's snapping a twink with a towel. Yeah. Quite an image, seeing him in an ice bath or a Turkish bath. I love the Schwitz, man. Love it. Gotta sweat it out.
Mark Schwitz. Yeah. Wow. All right. Is that it? Do we end on Schwitz?
Should we end on Schwitz or should we end on something else? See how dumb that is?
We got Bodega Cat whiskey. It's all over New York right now. Strip House is going to carry it. Woo! We've got a new bottle will debut very soon.
Is this the new bottle?
No, that's the old bottle.
Way sexier.
The new one's sexy. It looks cool. Do we have a picture? Thick with two Cs. Yeah, I will be in London September 18th. Whoa. Belfast September 22nd, the 24th in Dublin, the 25th in Paris. Then I will be in Amsterdam. We had a show in Amsterdam and Paris, so please fill those up. Copenhagen. Oslo, Stockholm, and then, yeah, Cleveland is the next spot. Not until November.
So I'm going to add something in October, but then big tour in January. So keep your eyes open, samorell.com, or just go to punchup.live slash samorell, punchup.live slash Mark Norman, and you can see all our stuff there. Mark, where are you going to be, man?
Hey, hey, Orlando, Florida. Bring the kids. Worst flight in the biz. Easily the worst flight. And I'm doing the hard rock, which I've heard are tough for comedy. Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We added a show. Newport, Rhode Island, Monterey, California, Oakland, Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland. Come on out. Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago, theater.
I told you the Larry David story. no uh i'll be i'll be quick so i'm doing the chicago theater at 7 p.m i get a call from my agent weird request larry david wants to do the chicago theater same day he wants 7 p.m so can you move to nine and i said i'll move to nine but i get to meet him really they said we can do that oh awesome he's gonna hate every minute of it but uh i'll get the photo
That's awesome. Yeah, that's when you get the photo.
You get the photo.
Damn, nice hardball.
Yeah, yeah. What day of the week is it? It's a Friday.
All right, nine's a harder spot.
I agree.
I might have to come to that Oakland show.
That's true. Come to the Oakland one. Scroll up there.
Yeah, I grew up there. I want to go bring my boys there. I love you. We should come to the Oakland one.
It's not selling well. I think people there are having trouble with money, but we'll see what happens.
Yeah, it's a rough town.
But I hear it's a legendary theater.
October 12th. It's a beautiful theater.
All right, well, yeah, check it out, folks.
Everyone in Oakland, go see them, yeah. That's right.
Yeah, thanks, boys. Punch-Up follows both on punchup.live slash Mark Norman, punchup.live slash Samuel. Go see Simon's, all his movies, Blink Twice. Thanks, guys. The new one's coming out. It's awesome, crushing. It's such a good guest on the podcast.
Thanks, man. Always a pleasure. Thanks, guys. Vince Vaughn, get your fat ass on here, you four-headed freak.
Love Bad Monkey, dude. It's been great so far. And get some Bodega Cat Whiskey at bodegacatwhiskey.com. We got a new fucking batch. We're making moves with this. If you want a piece of this shit, DM Bodega Kid on IG. I don't know what to do.
Oh, that's a pet peeve.
Oh, look at that.
Look at that. It's a real thing. Look at that bottle. It's strong and sturdy. It really hit a person.
It's a sexy bottle.
Sexy bottle. That's a pet peeve. I'm out in Martha's Vineyard. Oh, you got a whiskey? You guys should do some ready to drinks. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to do it. We're on it. All this shit takes time.
Slow it down. They got the right idea, though. We're going to do it. I just smell your fart now.
I just let a little... The silent one, dude.
Sorry. And on that note, it's been a great episode. We love you guys.
Thank you.
Thank you, guys.
Sunday's the day for my next bender A bit of Pivarec, you know the future's close I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way we might