Comedy and sports combine to give us episode 198 with Dan Le Batard. Great conversations, enjoy the episode and share with a friend. Podcast Sponsors: Get $50 instantly when you play $5 with code DRUNKS when you Download the PrizePicks app at https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRUNKS Support the show & try Shopify’s $1 per month trial period at https://www.shopify.com/drunk Support the show and get 50% off your 1 st Factor box, plus 20% off your next month. Use code DRUNK50 at https://www.factormeals.com/DRUNK50 Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Dan Le Batard: Dan's Show: https://lebatardaf.com/ Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/?hl=en
And we're here.
Hey, we're here and it's happy birthday time. I know, but we're backlogging, so it's my birthday, but by the time this comes out, it's your birthday.
Good point. The dual birthday episode. Dual birthday and 9-11 and Christmas and Hanukkah.
This is crazy. Look at that. Who sent us this? What's the other side? Wow, Winnie. Is it this lady who did it?
Who's this? It's like the lady who comes with the wallet. Yeah, that's the photo. Yeah, what's the card say? Wow, that's a beautiful rendering of the Winster.
Okay, let's see what it says.
Hi, Sam, Mark, and the We Might Be Drunk pod. Thank you for the share of my little sketch of Winnie. Here is the original sketch. Sorry about the other side on the back. I use every inch of paper to save money. Whoa! Every inch does count. We Might Be Drunk is one of my go-to pods to listen to, and it would be amazing to see the sketch in the studio.
And if you want to give me a sneaky shout-out, that'd be amazing. My name is Glyn. My Insta is GlinkTattoo. Glink! G-L-I-N-K tattoo. Okay. At Glink Tattoo. And if you're wondering what the hell is Glink, it's a plan of words with my name, Glenn, and Ing. All right, we got it. Here we're writing a script for a movie. Do you have any advice on writing a script or a pilot?
I'd say listen to the churning episodes because they actually made a movie. Yeah. Mark and I are still working on it. I heard we got some buzz.
Yeah, this is amazing.
Wow, well done. Look at that. That's beautiful. A lot of wasted space there, huh? For somebody who doesn't like to waste paper. We got a lot of negative white.
She got the neck rolls perfectly.
Oh, very nice. And the one eye. I'm still a little perturbed by the bottom half. This guy's using disappearing glink. I'm sorry. I was setting that up for half an hour. I came bearing gifts too. Oh, shit. Whoa. Man, that was like the Geena Davis in League of the Reignal. Well, yes, chief. Chef. Oh, yes, chef.
Artie Bucco. Oh, that's great.
Bucco.
Hilarious shirt. That's great.
My gift's in the car.
Your presence is your present.
Hey, I like that.
And I don't know what we have here. What the hell's going on?
Open it up. Crumble. What the fuck? Yeah, the most coveted cookie in New York City, baby. A cookie for the cookie.
Hey, uh... Should we make a cocktail? We got this new Bodega Cat bottle.
Look at that bottle, folks. Strong as an ox, tall as the day is long.
Side by side, this looks like the movie Twins. Look at that shit. This is great. I'm so happy with this new look. It's so clean.
That's a beautiful bottle. We had a couple of bars say, hey, we like it, but the bottle doesn't really pop, and we popped. This pops. It's clean.
I like that, yeah, it's more of a peachy... That's money.
Color, yeah. And the shape, too. The shape. It's regal. It's like a 1920s suit. Yes, yes.
Yeah, it's fucking, I love it, dude.
Love it. Let's drink. Are we doing a cocktail? Do you have ice, Matt? He got it right there.
Oh, you're the man.
Hell yeah. You're the man now, dog. Finding Forrester? Oh, yeah. Welcome to the rock.
Are we going to break into this crumble or what?
Yeah, I'll have a bite. What the hell? Should we do a... What cocktail? I mean, I feel like it's never a bad day for a boulevardier. What do you think, Mark? What do you want?
No, that works. Sold. Sold on the boulevardier.
Is there anything else?
Peanut butter? Sorry, everybody.
What do we got?
You put peanut butter on a guy's ass, I'll eat it.
Really?
Guy who's excited?
I love peanut butter.
What's this tincture? It's a little fucking hangover thing.
Oh, you hung over? Yeah. What happened? Give me everything. I mean, it wasn't bad, but it was more the lack of sleep than the drinking. But I had a few Negrons at the cellar.
Nothing wrong with that.
A few Negronis. Should we do, are you having a drink too or no?
Oh, whoa.
Whoa. Oh, you're talking about cookies, right?
Which one are you eating, Mark?
I'm having the peanut butter and it's fantastic.
What the hell is this shit?
Peanut butter with like a vanilla drizzle. What about this shit there? That's crazy. That looks like a chunk chocolate chip with macadamia.
This is great podcast. I'm like, and what's this cookie? Explain this cookie to me, Mark.
Oh, yeah. The peanut butter is the tits. I got a few Negronis last night on my set. Really? Negroners? Buffs to that? No, I'm just kidding. But working on some new. Oh, so I did Red Bank, New Jersey.
Unbelievable.
Hidden gem. I don't know how I didn't know about this room. Great town, great theater, great crowd. Did a little meet and greet after. Oh, it was right there, I guess. A guy goes, hey, I just saw Sam at the Stress Factory, and I hightailed it over to you tonight.
Whoa. Fun. Holy shit, we might be drunk Jersey night.
The drunks are out.
The Jersey boys.
Yes.
I love it, dude.
So, yeah, that was fun. Damn, I love that. How was the Stress Factory?
Great. A good club.
Really great.
It's a great club. Smallest green room in the fucking business. That's true. But- It's good.
Was Vinny there?
He wasn't. Oh, God. I lucked out. His uncle died, so I didn't have to see him.
His uncle lucked out, too.
I'm sorry about your Uncle Vinny. Thanks for having me at the club again. It was a great time. Yeah, my Uncle Vinny. God, it's a great club.
oh yeah that's what chris rock goes to work out is it man i just i just got to walk with him for a while because we just were at a uh at a screening for a movie and we were walking a few you know a decent amount of blocks together and like holy shit like we get stopped occasionally yeah when you're walking with someone that famous you're like holy shit yeah even if they notice you they don't give a shit
No. They're like, oh, holy shit, that one's better right there.
Right. It's kind of like an attractive girl and then a smoke show.
Yeah.
A smoke show is great. An attractive girl is great. But when an attractive girl is next to a smoke show, she looks like Salicus.
I'm a 10 at the Stress Factory. In Manhattan, I'm like a six.
Right, right. Yeah. I never got when girls back in my Tinder days, there would be a girl Tindering and they got the photos and she would be with all her hot friends. And I'm like, every one of your friends is hotter than you. What are you doing to me? Why would you advertise this?
It's Johnny Fish. Our buddies have a great joke about this. I'm the one on the right. Who's the one on the left?
Exactly. So yeah, strange move. Maybe she's like, I'll blend in with them. Maybe I'll rub off some hotness. I don't know.
It's a camouflage move. But the camo ain't working.
No. Actually, it's probably good. It means she has a low self-esteem. She's in the hot group with low self-esteem.
Okay, you're going the Wounded Gazelle route.
I think it's incorrect, actually, Matt. I think she blends in and thinks we're not going to notice.
Oh, that's all we notice as men.
We're shallow. It's a shallow app, Mark. It's a picture. That's true. Shallow App, good Gwyneth Paltrow film.
Well, you look back at that movie, that does not hold up to the scruples of today. Yeah.
I mean, that was kind of dicey then. That's true. It's their only movie where the main guy is not likable.
Yeah.
They're good at making characters likable.
You didn't think he was likable?
Man, not really. I mean, it's Shallow Hal.
Yeah, good point, good point. Well, they put Jason Alexander in it to somehow soften the blow of Shallow Hal, and it helped a little, because Alexander was a real sleazeball in that, and he had a tail for some reason. Remember he had the members-only jacket, the toupee? It is weird that, like,
They go so hard to make... I guess when you make the other guy a bigger asshole, you're kind of like... I watched this movie I'd never seen over the weekend called Carnal Knowledge.
Oh, yeah.
I've seen that.
It's been a while, but yeah.
Yeah, never seen it. It's fucking good, but it's like... It's hot. Yeah, Nicholson is just a fucking poonhound in that movie. Oh, yeah. Prime Jack Nicholson just being like all he cares about is pussy. Yeah. And not a great guy. Yep.
But... How did that end again?
You really want me to do this? Yeah, give it to me. Every 10 years, it just gets worse for them, basically. And by the end, it's Garfunkel. He's dating a 17-year-old. Yeah. Some of this shit you see now, and you're like, eh, that's kind of rough.
I mean, that's the whole plot of Manhattan, right? He's dating that young broad. And they don't end up together. Oh, yeah. And that's the sad part. Well, she had to graduate. Good to go off to college.
That's really it. He's like bummed. She's going abroad or something. That's right. And he's like, what the fuck? And it's like, you didn't see an end in sight here? Yeah, it's a fucking tough one.
How does Leonardo DiCaprio do it? Because he won't date anyone over 25.
Because he cares about the environment, maybe gives him an out. He's that famous. I don't know what it is. Why does he? I guess he does get some shit.
Yeah. Oh, he gets shit. But how does he know? He must go, hey, I'm Leo, when's your birthday? He must get that early. Because what if she's 25 and a week away from 26?
I think he's got a guy doing background checks. They're at a party. It's like the way De Niro and Heat had Jon Voight, and he was like, where's the guy staying in the hotel room? I think DiCaprio's got a guy who's like 8, 25, 99, and he's like too old. Doesn't work for me.
It's funny. Usually guys are like, what's their measurements? He's like, what's their day, month, and year? Is he a Scorpio?
I'm going to stir with this thing right here. Sorry, sponsor.
What's that called? Smoke, have you got them? Pipe? Pipe?
Am I going to electrocute myself?
What is it? Fume! Get yourself a fume, folks. Great drink, Sprinter.
Looks pretty. Whoa, look at that cube.
That might be too big.
Wow.
There we go.
Boy, cookies are unbelievable. Who gave us those cookies, Matt? Hey, nice one.
Thank you, Matt.
Final knowledge. Look at that. You already pulled up. Yeah.
Wow.
Happy birthday.
Oh, yeah. This has been coming out for Mark's birthday, so. Your birthday. To good health with you guys.
I always say, I can tell how much I like a guy by how little he celebrates his birthday. I fucking hate it. You get a guy, it's my birthday week. Everybody buckle up. We're going horseback riding.
You wouldn't be getting dinner if it's not for Vito. He's like, what are you doing Tuesday? I'm like, all right, I'll fucking.
I feel like you wouldn't eat on the road if it weren't for Vito. You wouldn't be going out at all.
There were a lot of hotel lobby apples before Gary came along. No, he wants the finest. And it's like, it turns out it's fun when it's with someone else. If I were alone, going to a fancy restaurant doesn't do much for me. My only, but occasionally on the road, I do love finding a cool hotel bar, getting to Manhattan. Love it. And a beef tartare and just getting shit-faced.
That's like my go-to order if I'm like, if I'm solo on the road. But like, yeah, I mean, it's also like when you're a young comic, you're just like, let me fucking see how little I can spend.
Man, we are different people. I'm like, I'll get a case of Jim Beam and a Taco Bell. You don't need Taco Bell. No, I'm joking.
That fucking six-pack?
I'm not doing tartare at a bar alone with a Manhattan.
I fucking romanticize it.
Yeah, you're Bogart over here.
Hell yeah, dude.
Play it again, Sam.
Tell us about this dinner. Who's coming? Oh, it's a packed house. We'll see. I don't know everybody. I think I know most of the people.
I thought it was a surprise. So when Vitor's like, I talked to Sam. I'm like, what? You told him?
This is for Vitor more than it is for me. Yeah. We're going to push this on Vitor. Here's the thing. They surprised me last year. So I was like, they're not going to get me again. Because I've never done these things before. I'm not a birthday guy. So I've never. I thought my girlfriend was just taking me out. She was like, oh, let's go to this restaurant. It's really cool.
I was like, I don't want to go out. She's like, just go to this fucking restaurant. I was like, nah, I'm good. And she's like, I need to go to the. I was like, all right, fine. We'll go to your. So, of course, I show up in like a bad mood. I'm like, fucking. Oh. And then I'm like, why the hell is Sal Volcano here? You know? Ah. Ah. Just like looking around. It's like, you know.
Yeah, yeah, you put it together. Yeah. Oh, that would be horrible with an orgy. Like, oh, no. Why is Tom O'Connell here? Why is Bob Kelly here? That did happen to me, remember? What?
Well, when I showed up to that girl's place and she's blowing me and the guy was just there.
Oh, right, right.
Surprise. Yeah, not a good surprise party. No. I haven't liked surprises ever since.
Also, that guy, he was not friendly either, right? He was kind of a cunty guy.
He was pushy about me being either in or out. Oof. And I was like, I mean, you got to give me, I'm an indecisive person. I can't decide which jacket. You're like that too. Yeah. You're like, which jacket is the right temperature? You don't want to regret it?
And then you're like, what are we going to do if we get into this? Are you going to be up my ass? Am I up your ass? Are we up her ass? I need some details. I need a menu.
He starts butt fucking you. He's like, you said you were in.
Yeah, exactly.
Sorry.
I need deets.
Did he say he just wanted to watch or he wanted to join? I didn't ask a follow up question. I left. Now watch. I wasn't like, hold on. Let me get the ground rules set here.
You got to get ground rules. I'm doing an orgy. But could you do the watch?
No. I remember I told Dave Smith right after it happened, and we were just drinking at the bar together at Caroline's, and he goes, I would have fucked him. Him? Yeah. He was a younger, drunker Dave. Maybe he said, I would have done it. It was something like he kind of laughed it off, but then he was like, I think I would have done it.
Well, take that and run with it, Candace Owens, because that's not the Dave Smith we all thought we knew.
Oh, Shepard.
Whoa, I didn't see that coming from old Davey.
Well, Dave's like a fun drinker, you know?
Sure, sure.
I'm sure he's half fucking around, but I mean, yeah, that was a weird, weird day. Yeah. He just walks in on you. She set me up. I mean, if I did that to a woman, my career would be over. That's true. Good point. If I was just like banging a woman, I guess a woman coming out is not as scary, but it's not great.
It's not great. It's not ideal.
Yeah.
And then he said he was like a jacked Asian guy, right? Yeah. He wasn't Asian, but he was, like, jacked. Oh, that's even scarier because now it's threatening. This guy can kick my ass. But then the blowjob, if he watches, what are you guys doing? You know, like, you got to see each other. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's like the DJ. I'm like.
You're like. You doing umpire shit?
No, I mean, I remember he was washing. The door swung open and she was just sucking me off. Talk about going from hard to like a semi.
Yeah.
You're still kind of hard because your dick's in a woman's mouth and I was young enough that that was still all it took. But I remember he was just staring at me, and I was just like, he goes, are we going to do this? And I was like, do what? And he was like, her? I was like, you got to like... Yeah, give me a heads up.
Not great. Not great. And that was pre-apps, right? No, I met her on Tinder.
Oh, you did? This was like right when Tinder started.
Got it. Man.
But I met her in like... Where I met her, she seemed really innocent. I remember I kissed her. I got fucking hammered on the date. And I remember I kissed her in a cold New York winter. And she was like, oh my, I didn't expect that. And I was like, oh, she's like a very innocent, upstanding member of the community.
She was talking about the tartar breath. Didn't expect that coming off of this. You never get a beef tartar at a bar?
Never.
Yeah, we're going to a bar. We're getting a fucking beef tartar.
And we'll get it tonight at the dinner.
Maybe we will. Maybe we will. Yeah, I don't know. This is such an underrated cocktail. We're doing an RTD for this. I just wish the name didn't sound so fucking hoity-toity.
It's a little posh.
I think we rename it. We just have to put a spin on it. We just have to do one more thing.
What if we call it The Avenue? You know, we got Boulevard. Go Avenue. Avenue's kind of New York Avenue. I love it. All right, we got it. That's good stuff. Avenue. How about this new fucking bottle? I'm pretty excited. I love the bottle. It really changes the whole feel of the liquor.
Yeah, and the late feels better. Damn, dude. Yeah, that looks fucking... Although, you ever have a bad one? Holy shit, that'll fuck your day up.
It's got a raw egg. It's raw meat. You're asking for it, and you're drinking all night. That's the fun, the danger. I guess.
Although I did have oysters with Chrissy D and his partner. We fucking went out. She and I were both not feeling well the next day. I had to do that. I did part of my take. The show, they have a thing called the gauntlet where you have to do an athletic thing where you make a shot, you score a goal, you hit a wiffle ball. And I'm like, I had some real bad diarrhea going into that.
And I do blame my performance on a hangover. I was bad, but I wouldn't have been that bad.
Right. Well, you say you want to live dangerously until a buff guy shows up while you're getting blown. That's true.
There's a line. All right, all right.
There's a limit to the dangerous.
Yeah, like every third steak tartare is a guy coming out of the closet. Yeah. Well, that's, yeah, good point.
Yeah, but you know what? You take the risk to get the greatness. You go to the girl's house to get a blow job. That's what I want out of the tartare. That guy is a bad runny yolk. Yes, he is. He's a bad yolk. Bad yolk.
Well, Adam Carolla, back in the old days, had a great bit about how Jews aren't traditionally risky people. There's no Jewish Evel Knievel. There's no Jewish stuntmen. But with food, you guys are fucking daredevils. It's gefilte fish, this shit, kugel. I'm running out of Jewish dishes.
Can you imagine Evel Knievel with a Jewish mother? Oh.
Oh.
You're going to jump over cars? What kind of career is this?
How about you buy a car? Why do you have to jump over them? That's a sketch.
It's a great observation. You're not risk takers. We're not like hunters. Exactly. You don't jump out of planes, you know? In our defense, the skydivers are a very peculiar bunch. Yeah. I just saw an article, like, father of four, you know, dies in a skydiving accident. I'm like, oh, you left four behind because you had to thrill-seek? Mm-hmm.
There's something about that that's pretty fucked up, too.
Yeah, what are you running from? How about those guys just run off a mountain, and then you're like, what the fuck? And then some crazy squirrel wing comes out, and you're like, Jesus, what are you doing to me? I thought this guy was committing suicide, and now he's just careening through these canyons. Like, how about a beer? Can we get a beer? Do we need to careen? Careen Abdul-Jabbar.
This guy sees the Dark Knight one too many times.
He fucking jumps off. You're like, what the fuck?
You're immortal, you idiot.
Exactly. Would be a great way to break up with a chick. You know what? You're fat. You're ugly. We're done. Don't call me.
He's just giving her the finger as he's falling.
Like, fuck the shoot. Shit. It won't open. Now that's a divorce.
Yeah.
That's how I want to do it.
Divorce, man. That's a fuck. Ugly. You see Oasis going back on tour? Yeah. No, they must be broke. One of them had a bad divorce.
Oh, that'll do it, man.
Yeah, they're like, dude, we gotta fucking, I miss playing. Like, she left you? Yeah, she left. Gotta do it.
Yeah.
It's expensive.
Yeah, it's scary. I'm pod love-a-wasteless, dude. I do, too. I'm a 90s kid, so I was all in there. You saw the Tom Brady, I know it's old news now, but Tom Brady put everything in his mom's name. So Giselle was like, here we go. I'm gonna clean up. Does that work? I think it worked.
I mean, he must have just sick lawyers, too, though, because I just talked to a guy at the gym and he told me he lost a shitload. Yeah. I mean, I don't know, dude.
Well, you know who the richest woman in America is? Jeff Bezos' ex-wife. How fucked up is that? That's women's Amazon.
You know who the next richest woman is? Lauren Sanchez after she divorces Jeff Bezos.
He got remarried?
I don't know if they're married.
Oh, God. You got to get a prenup there, baby.
Yeah, that's fine. He definitely changed his type up. Yeah. Oh, did he? I mean, she's like a different look. Pull her up.
What's her name? Lauren Sanchez. Because the old gal was kind of normal looking.
Yeah, well, they were together since they were young, and they built it together.
Oh, my gosh. Yeah, what do you think, Sal? He's married a bot.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah.
You horny, bro? Yeah. You like that, dude? That's right. .com.
Oh, mama! Don't say it. He's very powerful. That's true. What? Well, I wasn't ready for that mug. Good golly. Jeez, I'm at the snake exhibit in the wrong suit. Don't say it. All right, all right. Cut that if we have to.
Those are fucking... She's got A-Rod's arms. It's fucking... Yeah.
And Heath Ledger's face. All right, all right. Got it. Keep it moving. I didn't say what movie I'm talking about.
I think we all guessed the movie.
Why? I mean, this guy's the richest guy on the planet.
Love is love, Mark. All right, all right. Okay. I feel bad. I feel like I started this. I brought the name up with Google. Now you know. Yeah. I think she looks nice. She looks beautiful.
She's very nice.
Come on. We'd all fuck her.
Of course. Of course. I'd fuck Jeff for a taste of that. For a share. Yeah. Just for Amazon Prime. I'd fuck him.
I'd let him fuck me for riding that yacht. I'll tell you. I'll tell you that yacht.
It looks all right.
He's got a yacht and a butt.
All right. I don't think she's bad looking. It just looks like some work's been done.
You'd think he'd go younger. You've got to hand it to him.
She is, I think, younger, isn't she? I mean, she can't be under 45.
She can't be under 45, 50.
Love is love, buddy. All right, right.
Well, I hope he's in love, and I hope they're happy, and I hope she doesn't take all his money when they break up.
It is weird that he buys her anything. It's like, he's that rich, and it's just got to be the most expensive shit.
Right. 54 years old.
Oh, okay.
She looks pretty good.
Yeah, and he could have gone a lot younger, so you got to kind of hand it to him for that.
Love is love, dude. DiCaprio, 25-year-old, so he's not.
Yeah, and isn't it ironic that the guy who owns Amazon can't return this? They got the best return policy in the business. Not wives. Can't get a full refund on that? That one, Jeffrey.
Yeah, I think I would hit it.
Oh, of course, of course.
54.
54. Yeah, very attractive.
Good for them.
I like the three went from us shitting on her to just all being like, I mean, we'd all fuck her.
Sure, sure. Definitely, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I'd fuck Grimes.
Would you? Yeah. Hold on. I don't know, dude. Let's not get carried away. I mean, give me a couple of tartars and a, oh, yeah, you wouldn't fuck her?
I don't know. She seems pretty fertile, dude.
That's true. I don't like the fertile.
Fertile is really one of my biggest. Dude, really? And crazy. I would. That's like resting fuck you face. Totally. That's resting like, dude, you want that face looking back at all your jokes?
No, I'm not dating her.
Go back to that face. She's not coming to the show, I'll tell you that. Yeah, I would totally bang her. I mean, I'd be hard pressed for you to find a celebrity I wouldn't fuck. Kathy Bates. Wow, really? Would you? No.
Hold on. Maybe in misery. I got her nude here. All right. I'm eating here. Yeah, it's weird you had it bookmarked.
Whoa, look at those yams. Yay! I thought that was Peter's. Good Lord. What? Oh, we got a lady coming in. I like how we're acting like we're not broadcasting this to hundreds of thousands of people. Let's all behave.
Anyway, all right, this goes on YouTube pretty shortly.
Oh, Kathy, say it ain't so. I don't know what I expected, her to come out like Liz Hurley.
Yeah, celeb.
I'm going to Hurley.
Celeb crush. Who's like your number one, Mark?
Oh, I like Clooney's wife. Really?
Oh, I love them all. Because the total package aspect?
The total package. I love that she's successful, accomplished. She's gorgeous. I like that look, that brunette with the ethnicity.
This is the most diplomatic answer. Dan Levitar, come in here, buddy. Move the ice. No, sit there. Sit right there. Ready to win this football season? PrizePix is the best way to have a little fun. It's the easiest and most exciting way to play daily fantasy sports. Unlike those other apps, it's just you against the numbers, so gameplay is super simple.
All you do is pick whether a player is going to get more or less of a stat, then watch the game to find out if you were right. Yeah, I mean, this is fun stuff. Who doesn't love fantasy? Who doesn't love a little gambling? Prize Picks even has an injury insurance policy so your lineups stay in play even if one of your players is hurt. This month specifically they also have a cool deal going on.
One Caleb Williams passing yard gets you one win on Prize Picks every week of September. Click the link in our show notes to download the PrizePix app today and use code DRUNKS to get $50 instantly when you play $5. That's code DRUNKS on PrizePix to get you $50 instantly when you play $5. You don't even have to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed. PrizePix, run your game.
Shopify. Nobody does selling better than Shopify, and I'm serious. They're the number one checkout on the planet. Their not-so-secret weapon is ShopPay. It boosts conversions up to 50%. It's a one-tap checkout, lets customers pay in installments, gives them 1% shop cash every time they spend, and solves your abandoned cart issues for good. I love Shopify. You can throw stuff up there.
We sell shirts. We sell booze. We sell cups. We sell hats. Get it all there on Shopify. Shopify truly does it all. Whether you're selling in person or online, in-store, get ready to take payments by smartphone, transform your tablet into a mobile POS system, or use Shopify's POS Go mobile device for a battle-tested solution.
They've even got play tools to help you build social media marketing campaigns, and their award-winning customer service is here to help you on the road to success. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that we use. Uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash drunk, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash drunk to upgrade your selling today.
Shopify.com slash drunk.
Sure, instant ramen is a quick meal, but is that what you really want to be eating? When you want to save time and eat well, you need Factor. Factor's no-prep, no-mess meals are dietician-approved and get sent right to your front door. With over 25 meal options each week, everything tastes amazing and takes just two minutes to prepare.
Just throw Factor in the microwave or on the skillet, and you're good to go. I think this is really good stuff. They send us some stuff.
Love it. Great food, great smoothies.
Really good smoothies. Loved it. Yeah. Choose six menu options to help you manage calories, maximize protein intake, avoid meat, or simply eat well-balanced. Whatever you're looking for, Factor's got you covered. Head to factormeals.com slash drunk50 and use code drunk50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month. That's code drunk50 at factormeals.com slash drunk50.
to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month while your subscription is active. Nice. Matt, can we get another drink? Another glass?
Hey, how you doing? Mark. Hello, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Good to see you.
Boy. Can I make you a drink? You guys got some tequila there?
Yeah, we're going to make you our bodega cat. We just got the new bottle. Hi. Do you do whiskey or no? Nice to meet you.
I don't usually do whiskey, but I will do it in the spirit of... I love it.
I don't want to push you. Let's get him what he wants.
No, give him a tequila. All right.
You want it straight?
I'm going to give... All right, let's give him a shot. Let's go. Let's do some whiskey.
I'm going to make you a cocktail.
This is exciting. Thanks for coming in.
Thanks for coming and talking. Thank you. Have we started already? We're on the air. We do a little intro. We're on the air.
Okay. And we were actually just talking about billionaires, partners, and their physical appearance. We were breaking down Laura Sanchez. We were talking about, and we all started making jokes, and we were all like, we would absolutely all have sex with her. Yeah. And then it went to Grimes. Yeah.
So just straight objectification of what you're doing?
Yes.
Okay.
We do it to men, too.
He said the dream woman is Amal Clooney.
For me, that's my number one. Amal Clooney.
Let the record state, sorry, that Mark is married. Yes. And he said his number one is Amal Clooney.
So she's your number one because she is an assortment of wonderful things that would captivate, you know, that would hypnotize George Clooney because she's got, isn't she also like an incredible lawyer?
Yeah, I'm all in on all that. She could pay the bills, bring home the bacon, and I could fry it up. All right. But no, I think she's a very attractive lady, too.
Well, I just saw before this, Kathy Bates was up there. So what were we doing before that?
How did you know that was her? Just by the tits? Well done, sir. Look at those yams. My God.
This guy's seen about Schmidt.
All right. We're trying to have a good time here. What are you doing to me? All right.
Okay.
We're just joking. We're picking it up.
My buddy, Dan Labotard, you know his sports show. Awesome show. Thank you, buddy.
I will warn the two of you that the last time I did anything like this, I broke up Bert Kreischer and Bill Burr. What? It was their last podcast together. They had me on. Bill was surly, as he often is. He was being dragged in from a barbecue. He didn't want to do it.
I kept saying that Boston was racist and that they had shit in Bill Russell's bed, and that was the last time that Bert Kreischer and Bill Burr ever did that together. They made this go more successful. Yeah, but they haven't done the podcast again. Podcast's over.
been over damn but why would you saying it's racist fucked up their relationship i could see them him being mad at you but why the two of them uh well he got mad at me i don't think he enjoyed it i was backpedaling the whole time i know better than to try and instigate with comedians that's not gonna go well yeah especially that one don't poke the bear i was just backpedaling but they did shit in bill russell's bed he was saying every place is racist and i was saying yeah but only one place shit in bill russell's bed
I didn't know that. Wow, I didn't know they did that.
60s Boston was probably rough.
Also, was it Amber Heard?
Okay. Sorry. But, yeah. No, that's... Bostonians are very defensive with that.
Yeah.
That's where you did your special, right? I love Boston. I'm a big fan of racism. Hates Bill Russell. No, I think Boston has some of the best comedy crowds. Oh, yeah. There's something about that blue collar, like everyone in Boston is just funny. Everyone there is just like, they're like, ah. It's kind of that New York energy, too, where everyone's like, can you believe this fucking shit?
They're always in a state of frustration, which is just funny to me.
Yeah, and you throw in MIT, Harvard, all that, and you got a nice mix of locals.
more elitist and also like fuck you yeah there's a funny like Cambridge and then fucking Southie it's a funny mix yes you say funny again and again and I wonder I've always wondered and asked and thought that our show would never succeed in Boston because Boston is too serious about its sports that we try to do funny around sports all the time great sports fans obviously unreasonable sports fans I don't
He told me you don't really do much in the way of sports, and he's an interesting... He's getting into it.
I'm getting into it. I like certain sports that sports guys aren't into. I like UFC. I like skateboarding. I like tennis. So, not the fun ones.
Well, he's an interesting combination of 400-year-old Jew about all other things, and then 12-year-old about sports, right? And so... He takes his sports very seriously, and I don't know if our thing would succeed in Boston because they want to talk about a third-inning bunt a little more than I would, too.
But I think you've got a Portnoy as adding humor. He's a Boston guy who's obsessed with sports.
No, but Boston supports sports like crazy. They've got Bill Simmons. They support sports content a bunch. But our thing is, I don't know, it's not for everybody.
I got you. I got you. I've watched the back and forth. You guys get pretty passionate.
We get fired up. Well, you've been in Florida the whole time. He's kind of circumvented the whole ESPN Connecticut thing by just being in Miami, so you avoided all the bullshit. Because everyone has like a short-lived tenure at ESPN, right? Everyone's like in and out. But you're like, you know, you never dealt with, do you think that kept you there longer? For sure.
Like the fact that we existed outside of the bubble. I went to Bristol one time in eight years. Wow. Yeah, I was able to avoid all of that. But it's an interesting place. Why Bristol? Why there? They got a great tax deal from the city. There's nothing else in Bristol. So it's basically the entirety of the economy. It's an entire cult.
Connecticut's a rough state, man. It is. There's not a lot of hope between New York and Boston.
What they all say about Bristol is it's only a two-hour drive from New York.
That's a rough sales pitch. Yeah, exactly. She was hot five years ago. You don't want to hear that. It's great now.
She's hot two hours away from this other chick. From a distance, she's hot.
All right, that's the last objectification joke.
Are you apologizing to my wife back there? Is that what you're doing, or is that the audience?
That was the audience. The wife is involved as well, who's very lovely.
That was the last one. You don't know that. You don't know if the wife is lovely or not.
I know you don't. She seems lovely. How about that? Nice shoot.
From a distance.
Yeah. Don't talk. No, that was it. All right. That was the last one. We're joking. What? Florida. That's great. You like Florida?
I used to like what Florida is. I'm a bit surrounded now by a lot of things that I don't like in Florida. The politics of Florida are complicated. The general amount of fraud. Miami itself is a bejeweled dumpster, but I don't love. I've always lived in Florida and always loved it, but the changes have been uncomfortable. Yeah.
Yeah. But you got the beach, the sun. There is that.
For as long as we have it until both the beach and the sun engulf all of the land and put us underwater and wreck all our homes in the future.
Yeah, Miami's not built to be an actual city that it is. It's kind of weird, right?
Super weird. Miami, I would say that all of Florida is a bunch of spring break towns, all of it. So it's Daytona Beach, whatever you associate with spring break Florida, but ours is covered by all of the brown cocaine money. All of the people who came in from Venezuela and Cuba and everywhere else that make it a vastly more ethnic spring break town.
Sure, sure. Everywhere you go to get fucked up for two weeks and then you're like, well, this is home.
Yeah.
It's kind of weird. But you're from New Orleans. That's kind of got a similar vibe.
Kind of got the same vibe. But, I mean, you don't have to go to that area. You don't go to the French Quarter. We lived a little further away.
Oh, but New Orleans has more culture, I would say. Not necessarily more cultures, but New Orleans, I mean, has a musical taste and a food taste that is ridiculous.
Yeah. It's a fun place to visit. Not a great place to grow up, I would say. But, hey, maybe Florida isn't either.
I've lived there all my life. I have. No, but that doesn't mean like it's it's trying now. I mean, I don't know. I know you guys go in and out of politics, but what is happening in Florida is insane. And it tends to happen 20 years before we tend to be like 20 years ahead of the rest of the country. Yeah, because it's so many different kinds of people. The diversity ends up happening like fast.
And I'm scared what the next 20 years are going to look like because all of this was portended when Rush Limbaugh was doing this in Florida and Spanish language radio was going crazy and no FCC rules. Everything that's happening in this country now was like yelled at through radio speakers 20 years ago in Miami.
That's interesting. Also, I know a Cuban guy from Cuba. He's obsessed with communism, obsessed with it. He's like, it's coming here. It's going to ruin everything. I know what it's like. And I'm like, all right, all right. Are you getting any of that?
I mean, that's my family all my life. Like, parents come from Cuba, come from communism. Oh, you're Cuban? Yeah.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Yeah, but I'm surrounded because I'm a liberal Cuban, so they call me El Gusano, like the worm, because I don't agree with the politics of the region. Look how this delights him. He loves when someone's called a worm. It's funny that your family calls you a worm. No, not my family. It's not my family that calls me a worm. That's not as funny.
The family calling you the worm. Look, the worm's coming in.
That's funny to me. I don't know. That is funny. And you like tequila. Got the worm right in there.
You ever shoot a worm? That's fucking... It was a New Orleans bar, Lucy's Surfer Bar. Yeah, I've done it. Shot the fucking worm. Disgusting.
You just, what, you drink tequila until you get to the worm at the bottom?
No, they were like, you shoot the worm, you get a t-shirt.
So I shot the worm. Why is the worm in there anyway? What does that signify? I don't know. Anyone know what this is?
You got the computer, buddy.
Figure it out.
Oh, fuck. By the way, someone just tweeted at me, all white guy podcasts are just Googling stuff and figuring it out and talking about it. That's true. It really is what we are. That is true.
We love Google.
You guys have figured out, though, like a lot of comedians have with these economies, that you guys are basically just doing radio shows that rely on your funny curiosities. So you're just sitting here. People get to enjoy your company because you're just... discovering shit and then in real time ad-libbing off of it.
Yeah.
You've been doing it for how long? Like 25 years? Our radio show celebrates its 20th anniversary next week. I mean, it's not a radio show anymore. It's now a podcast, but it's 20 years. But you guys have invaded the space in a way that's super cool to watch how it is. The comedians have like this counterculture. They're not mainstream. They're not cancelable and they can run anything.
in these circles that uh it's really been cool to watch the evolution of the space thanks because i think the circles that the tv can't like like a theo vaughn i don't know if you're familiar with him he just had trump on love him or hate him you know whatever your politics are fallon's not gonna have trump on right now so he's gonna have him on he'll get some backlash but people are still gonna watch so he can not he doesn't have to answer and he had bernie on the same week and he had
Bernie on, which no TV show would ever have those two on in the same week. Like Colbert? No way.
And you guys have me. And we've got you.
And we're happy to have the worm here.
El Gusano. Yeah. You and Rodman, man. Dennis Rodman was the worm. That's right. He was the worm. One of my favorite Dennis Rodman facts is that he's one of 21 children and his father's name is actually Philander. Oh, that's right.
What? That's right.
Holy shit. That's pretty good. That is hilarious.
That's incredible. What a sperm on that guy. He's the sperm. Rodman's the worm. Wow.
We objectify men, too.
He's a hunk. Yeah. I mean, who didn't he fuck? Carmen Electra, Madonna, Sam.
Him and his dad, both of those going for loose balls. No, he was the fucking best. Did you ever interview Rodman?
Yeah. What was he like? A number of times. A lot of bravado, a lot of insecurity, a lot of self-medicating. Early on, he didn't- What's that like?
Hold on. Hold on.
Early on, he didn't have a lot of confidence. So he'd get in front of public speaking groups and just as a piston start crying. And then you saw what it ended up becoming when he started like feeding all of his vanities and insecurities and just feeding off attention.
He was kind of the early Charlie Sheen. The way Charlie Sheen had that month of like tiger blood and porn stars and cocaine and AIDS. You know, like.
Winning. Winning. Winning as he said.
I'm winning. Robin's got what, five rings? He's winning?
Mm-hmm.
The beast. Yeah, he's a functioning psycho. There was something about Rodman in that Jordan doc where he had to go to Vegas for a few days. That feels very Charlie Sheen. Yes. He could walk up to Chuck Lorre and be like, I need to go fuck a stripper. And he's like, all right, go.
Yeah.
The James Harden deal.
Right. I love it. What's that?
He's got the same sort of deal where he would break away from Doc Rivers or whatever to go to Vegas to feed his vices. And it was sort of understood as the coach or manager or leader. You have to allow your artists a little bit of liberty.
Wow, I love that. Who's the craziest dude you've talked to in sports? Like what's the most insane interview you've done?
Well, how are you defining crazy, right? I can't believe I'm talking to this person. Oh, okay, so you're talking about like just me just sort of being awed to be in presence of someone. Well, I love starting a sentence with the phrase when I was in China with Michael Jordan. Like that's a good way to start a sentence, right? How about that?
I asked him about the slave labor and the sneaker shops and a woman who was one of his many publicists kicked me in the back with her high heel while I was asking him questions.
Why would you think that's a good idea?
I mean, come on.
You've got a billion dollar empire.
You've got to ask some tough questions. You can't just be, hey, can we go to the Great Wall together?
When she kicked you with a high heel, did you cum?
Right on the spot, yeah. Right on the spot. It was so embarrassing when ESPN televised that. Wow.
Yeah, your cock shot out like Jordan's flicker in Utah. Yeah, was Jordan, was he cool about it or was he like, shut up?
Oh no, he was always cool. He had, yeah, well he had great gifts. Like he knew the size of his power. Like he knew when he like put a hand on your knee or said your name, like he knew it was, it was a bit hypnotizing to watch how well he used the power to never say anything and to sell everything because it was part of the, part of the gift is being able to, the best
Guys in sports who are most beloved allow us to write the mythology around their winning. Jeter, Brady. There's not much personality there. You're not learning a lot about who they are, but they're benign enough that the sports fan can just sort of put on them whatever it is they want the myth to be.
Totally. That's why... No offense, guys, but that's why I never gravitated towards sports because I didn't get any personality out of a Jeter. I like a funny guy or a cool guy or something. I didn't get much. That's why I like one-on-one sports. Like Conor McGregor, love him or hate him, he's a fucking character. Something like Rodman, who I did enjoy, but I needed that personality.
You know, A-Rod. I don't know shit about A-Rod.
Tyson. That's true. A-Rod's got a personality, I think. Yeah, that's true. It's not the best personality, but I think he's pretty good on TV, actually. Is he? I think he's pretty good. Okay.
Well, he's got the smile, and it's not that he has to say very much. Yes. But A-Rod, I've known, I've covered A-Rod legitimately when he was drafted. I was in his kitchen with his mother in high school because he's from Miami. And so I've seen sort of the evolution of that dude wasn't an adult until he got into his 40s.
Like these guys are so obsessive, compulsive, and they have to concentrate on being great at that one thing. You guys must have some of this. Well, we're children.
100%.
Sorry, this is the gayest photo I've ever seen. Can you name all these shirtless hunks, Dan?
I think I can. Let's see who we've got there. We've got Ray Ordonez, Edgar Renteria. We've got A-Rod. Who are the ones in the front there? I'm not, I don't know. Garcia Parra's not on there, is he? Hold on a second. Is that Jeter on the right? Yeah, that's Jeter on the right. And who is that on the left?
He's a sexy man. That's Nomar. Is it Nomar? That doesn't look. No, Nomar's more white looking, right?
That doesn't look much like Nomar, but he would be of the class of shortstops that that would be in. So that's a lot of chains in there.
Yeah, not as much as they were now. I watch now and I'm like, what's with the chains? Is that not annoying to be running with just chains shooting in your face?
You would think so, yes. But you got to look good. It's like when you ask Shaq, he could have shot 70% or 80% granny style at the free throw line. But he was like, I'm not doing that. I'm Shaq. I'll shoot 50% and shoot at demands.
way yeah good stubborn ignorant well i saw i saw yeah i saw uh rick barry's kid on the olympics and he was shooting underhand i was like look at this fucking moron and he made all of them i was like fucking loser yeah it's a hit rate
You'd respect Shaq less if he shot it granny style, correct? That hurts his money at the end of the day, I think.
Yeah, I think you're right. If he shot like this, but yeah, he still won. True.
When you talk, though, about not being interested because the personalities aren't interesting enough, the thing in sports that's interesting to me is sort of the sociology of it, like how these guys become great at what it is they are.
I like that.
But I like that about comedy too, right? Like I don't know, I'm super curious about like how it is that you guys got to where you are and how much of your funny comes from where.
right yeah no i'm totally into that with sport like the kobe stuff where he's in the gym before everybody and then after everybody and all that stuff is fascinating like you're telling me about agassi i love the agassi story i love the agassi book his biography is one of the best biographies of any kind i've ever read it's unbelievable he's so cool man i i just have so much respect for him like uh and that guy who helped him write it's a great writer but uh
He wrote, what is that? He wrote the Tender Bar. Yeah, Moringer's who wrote that. Honest to God, he told me you love to read and stuff. That is the best sports biography I have ever read. Oh, wow.
That's crazy. That's quite a statement.
Well, he was willing to be vulnerable. Do you know Agassi? I've talked to him. I don't know him. I mean, you read the book, you feel like you know Agassi. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Well, just with comedy, there's a hole we've got to fill. It's the same with the sports, I think. To get good, you've got to really go for it.
Well, one of the things that I wonder about, though, right? Like if you're someone who gets a lot of identity from your work and you're someone smart enough to know that you shouldn't actively seek the validation of others, that the hole you need to fill is about loving yourself, right?
When laughter is what you need as the ultimate approval, it's the thing that feels best when you know you got this, you could throw it into the audience, and what comes back feels like love. Yeah. I could see how easy it would be to get addicted to that.
Pretty great. Pretty great. It feels nice. Yeah, it's nice. And it's a thought you had. It's not even like you didn't have to put anything together. It's just like, hey, my thoughts are getting laughs. Yeah. Feels great.
Do you guys look at anything and say that's harder than what I do professionally when you strip it down? This is the reason I ask. I admire you guys because of the bravery of being stripped down to the expectation of funny. And it's only you, your talent and the microphone. Like there ain't not there ain't no teammates. There's no. You got it like that.
I think it's easier than anything else. I think I go the other way. That's all we need is a mic. It's like, look, look at, I mean, look, yeah, there's repetition, like any, any form of entertainment. You have to work, but like you're saying, is this harder? Then you pull up a picture of fucking Agassi. That guy lost his whole childhood.
You know, like Tiger Woods, like to me, except with some athletes who just, you know, any manual labor job is harder. And then you have, right.
And then I meant an entertainment. I'm sorry. I meant degree of difficulty in entertainment.
Director, director. Director, forget about it.
Yeah, we're all... I wasn't saying you guys are working in a sewage line like underwater hardest jobs in the world.
I just want to clear that up. I don't think what we do is actually hard in the grand scheme of things. But in terms of entertainment, we're up there for sure. I think Broadway actors up there, if you're like a song and dance person... True. If you're on Broadway, you're doing what, like...
six yeah eight shows a week and wow yeah and like think if you have to do singing and dancing and and you know you're doing like that's that's pretty grueling i think so what what do you think i'm in entertainment what do you think is as brave as stand-up comedy just we're brave at all i don't know if
we're brave. I fucking hate that. I hate when people call us brave. I don't think we're brave.
But we have to write it, perform it, and go on the road ourselves and work on a sitcom and we'll do a podcast and drink.
You don't have to think it's brave. We have to drink. It's part of the job. Most people listening to this are terrified of public speaking.
And thank God they are, because then we look brave. But we're not that brave, because it's like I could never skydive. I'm terrified of it. But some guys are like, I can't wait to skydive. I'm looking forward to it. I think it's just a personality type.
I talked to a guy once. He was like, man, I can never do what you do. And I was like, what do you do? He's like, Navy SEAL. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? You realize that's harder. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's just the one hard thing about stand-up is...
that we're on our own boss and we have we have to be disciplined yeah like you don't have a guy being like get that in by 5 p.m you're the dude having to be like fuck i need a new joke at at by eight o'clock tonight or i i failed in my mind and 95 of comics don't adhere to that i'd say Don't have the discipline.
Yeah.
It's hard, man. Think of us. A lot of us got into this because we're kind of something's off a little bit. And now all of a sudden, like, I need this thing by this time. And no one's going to tell you that. I mean, maybe at a certain level, once things go well, your agent's like, we need this by this time. Maybe you're working with a producer who needs something by this time.
But, like, when you're just doing stand-up, you're the boss. You're in charge. It's all you.
Do you like the act of writing, the process of writing?
I told you he was going to turn this into an interview.
You're right. should i not have done that no no i said levitard is howard stern essentially where he's going to interview us i'm genuinely curious about how it is you got and i would assume your audience is as well but i'm and it's an excellent way to deflect intimacy so if you want to come at me you can we'll answer this but then we're going back to you yeah so what was the question
I don't even remember.
I was just deflecting intimacy. I was just deflecting intimacy.
You've got to be your own boss and all that.
The act of writing, the process of writing, I grew up as a writer, and so what I enjoyed about writing is having written. The Miami Herald? Yes.
Whoa.
But it's fulfilling. So it's fulfilling, but only after it's done. I can't imagine when I cite bravery with what it is you guys do when the last special is done and you've been sculpting that thing for a year and now you've got a black blank canvas and you got to go and you got to make another special.
That's the hard part.
And now the discipline... You saw me last night.
You know what the process is. It's just like, you know... A lot of failure. Yeah, like a little, let me see if these work. Let me slide in these jokes.
But so how... Yes, I did see you last night. How do you ravage yourself and how forgiving are you on yourself when the last joke you made, you stumbled toward the finish line in your life? I did.
I flubbed the last line of the last joke. But I was already over the lights. I was like, I'm not a dick. I'm not going to run the light.
But how does that... Like, how do you... I have a hard time treating failure as learning. And that's all you guys are doing.
Well, first off, I didn't know it was a failure, Dan. Thanks for reminding me. No, I think the rest of the set went well. So it's like you flub one line. I was kind of like, ah, fuck me. Sorry. Have a good night. I don't have the ego to think that I should fuck up the show by doing another joke. I don't want to keep other comics waiting. So that's why I got off. But yeah, I was mad at myself.
But I just did a set around the corner that was good. And that set went pretty well. So I think...
you know the new jokes were working and if you make a mistake it's just a mistake you do so many sets you can't just zone in on it and hate yourself yeah you can if you're a self loather like you you but it's counterproductive you know it's it's not helping me yeah a hint of self loathing is great but once you just are like fuck me i'm a fucking idiot it's like no they had fun i could tell they had fun so i you know
You could spin the self-loathing into working. You go, ah, I fucked up. I'll never do that again. Let me hit the books.
But there's real confidence in what it is that you're doing and being that gentle with yourself. Oh, really? I don't have that. To have the understanding, like I'm not that forgiving with myself. I'm not that gentle with myself on mistakes. Yeah.
Well, as long as it's not a hindrance.
I was also a couple Negronis deep at the time. That might have been part of it. That's part of it. The calm in that moment. Yeah, no, I'm mad when something misses, but that was a joke I know works. Think about how many sets we do a week. It's like in the grand scheme of things, it's this. It's this.
The real confidence is you guys have so many jokes that you know work. Like, you're just waiting. You've done it so many times by the time you get to the special that you know, pause here, wait for laughter.
Yes.
Like, it's music.
Yeah, completely. It's very jazzy. Except it's written. You know, most jazz is improvised. But, yeah, yeah. It's a lot like sports. Bring it back to me.
What do you got for me? Let's go. I have a lot of questions because you brought up the Burr thing with Burt Kreischer, kind of an interview that went off the rails a little bit. So I want to know who are athletes that you've interviewed where you're like, man, this guy sucks. I can't get anything out of them. They're brutal. Yes.
It didn't go poorly with Bert Kreischer and Bill. I think it was probably entertaining to the audience. Just when it was done, I didn't feel good about it, and it ended their podcast. Wow. So, you know. And Bert said that that was the reason that it ended, that I don't think he was lying to me, yes.
But there are all sorts of athletes, usually the younger ones, who are either not introspective enough or by job design, NFL quarterback, you're purposely boring because you don't want to have the headlines of whatever comes in that military environment when you say the thing you're not supposed to say.
Ah, I never thought of that.
When Tua Tonga-Vailoa comes out of college Alabama, he's a very young kid. When I was talking about lopsided athletes, you're a quarterback coming out of college. You're good at quarterbacking. You're not a grown-up. You're a grown-up at quarterbacking. You're not actually a grown-up. And so you're also careful and guarded after that. I'm not going to be able to get anything out of you.
But now, the last time I talked to Tua a couple of weeks ago, he made all sorts of headlines because he got his money. He got his confidence. You know Hawk Tua? He's sitting there. Keep going. Keep going. He got more confident with age. So the people you want to interview have some life experience.
Yeah, completely.
So there are all sorts of athletes that I feel like I'm going with a crowbar or a tire iron into their mouth to get something out of them because they haven't lived a life that has a lot of wisdom in it yet.
Yeah, see, that would kill me as a broadcaster. I'd be like, come on, motherfucker. This is a boring ep. Let's go. But it's weird because you've got this guy on who's very popular, so it's kind of a catch-22. You're like, we've got this great big guy. Everybody loves him, but... We're on microphones here.
But you understand that it's your job to be entertaining. Yes. That ain't their job.
They're entertaining on the gridiron.
Their skill set is to be entertaining with the skills that they apply all the time. We're a nuisance. We're an invasion. We're something that they don't even want in the locker room. And furthermore, what's gotten worse is they don't actually need us anymore. Right. It used to be that it mattered to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated or it mattered to be interviewed by ESPN.
Now all these guys have realized, no, I'll make my own content. I'll make the money off my content. I'll show people what I want them to see.
Yeah, and I think, and look, I'm in the minority here, but remember that guy with the gun, Ja Morant?
Yeah.
Is that his name?
Yeah, he's got it.
I'm okay with that. Let the guy play basketball or whatever. Is it basketball?
Yes.
Yeah, let him play basketball. That's off the court. I feel like, you know, the guy should be able to do whatever he wants as long as it's not illegal. Was the gun illegal?
It might have been legal. He had other issues with that. That was mostly optics.
The dad seems like a bad influence.
Oh, yeah. All right. Well, I'm like, hey, you know, like if you get caught with a DUI, I'm not going to stop buying your specials. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't like that whole. You've been buying my specials? Yeah, trying to be nice as a friend.
Mark buys, he listens to my stuff on iTunes.
Yeah, I get the vinyl.
He's behind.
But I'm just saying, like, that shouldn't affect your ticket sales.
Well, they get paid a shitload of money, though. That's true. I agree with you, but when you're getting, like, Supermax deals that are, like, 200-something million dollars, like... their argument is probably like, well, you're representing our face.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
And this is why you're getting all that money.
And we don't have a representative.
We're the representative. Yeah.
All right, that's a good point.
I mean, think about, like, you farted on podcast guests. If you're in the NBA, they'd probably be like, could you dial that back? Yeah.
That's all he told me about you, by the way. He'll probably fart during the podcast.
Oh, I would never. I was just, you know, I like people to know what's coming.
I like when they don't. My whole surprise. I'm sorry. No. If one churns up, I'll let you have it.
Thank you. I appreciate the gift of giving that you're all about. This is good, by the way, for those who don't know, I don't do celebrity endorsements, but this is a, I'm not, nor am I a whiskey guy, but this is good.
Yeah. None of it's, none of it's real, but a good cocktail. I love, I love a boulevardier man. So you answered if people are bad interviews, is anyone just a straight up dick where you're like, I'm not having this guy back on.
Um, Ray Rice happened to so many times. Ray Rice. Ray Rice was not a dick. Antonio Brown. Antonio Brown became a dick, but was like excellent before that. Antonio Brown was homeless in Miami at 16 years old. So I don't know. Somehow he's worse off now.
Funny as Twitter follow, by the way.
It's good.
Unbelievable. Cracker of the day. I'm hoping one day I'll get that. Yeah.
We'll never get an Oscar, but we might get Cracker of the Day.
I'll take N-Word of the Day, whatever it is.
I'd go for it.
That'd be more of a flattering thing. That's true. Yeah, good point. You don't want an F of the Day. He does that one, too.
The dicks are all over the place in sports. And I remember, yes, that, too. My first experience with it, I was very young. I was in my early 20s.
and i go up to this name's not going to mean anything to you but an old baseball player named chili davis i remember chili davis and i just the yankees as well right i used i came up to him and i just asked him something about whether or not i could talk to him and he's like no i i don't do that no no and then i'm like seriously what is he my girlfriend
There he is. There's the old chili.
And I'm like, seriously? And he looks me in the eye and he's like, has a heart attack. Whoa. Wow. Has a heart attack. But I can give you a lot of stories like that. All we are is a professional nuisance. Imagine someone invading your space where you're getting dressed all the time and just needing something from you all the time.
I get it. I get it. We have stuff like that. But what about this? What about a guy who's dying to talk? He's like, oh, I can't wait to do the radio. I'm an egomaniac. I want to hear myself talk.
There are people who want to talk because when I was writing a lot, I was somebody who tried to get at the depths of who a person was. And so if they knew my reputation as someone who could tell their story well, there would be people like an Aaron Rodgers before the recent things who want to be more seen by the public because they don't think that they're understood very well.
And they sort of want...
writer to be the bridge to communication for them on can you frame this for me that's why Agassi chose Moringer as his writer on his biography because he's like I I have not expressed myself this way to others but if I go get somebody who's a construction worker about words he'll be able to bring me to the people in a way that I haven't been seen before hey that was perfect good good answer
Thank you. My first good one so far. More drink. I'll get really good by the end of this, and we'll be doing it like in the locker room. The three of us will be nude, and I'll be asking you questions.
Bring it on. I'll hit you with a tell. Yeah, I'm trying to think.
Why is Serpico up on the screen here? He's a fan.
I get to pick whatever I want.
Okay.
He's a screensaver.
What do we think about the end of Pacino's career, the last 15 years of work that don't involve him being an 80-year-old father of a newborn?
Well, he kind of started doing an impression of himself at the end, and it just got weird.
People have bills, I guess. It's expensive probably living without Pacino. I don't know, but Heat was on TV yesterday. That movie's still fucking fun. So fun. It's a good time.
Is that based on the Los Angeles shootout or not?
I don't know. I'll look it up. I just started watching Danny Collins based on the churning wreck. It's actually pretty good. It's 2015 Pacino. That's the late stage Pacino. Nine years ago.
Heat 2? You're excited about Heat 2? They're doing a 2? Yeah. Michael Mann's got... Adam Driver, right? A second one. Young Neil McCauley.
Whoa.
That'd be cool. I'm surprised they didn't go all female cast. Hot flashes.
Lady Heat.
Yeah, Lady Heat. Well, they're doing a female fight club. Do you hear about this? Wow, really? Yeah, all female. So that'll be interesting. I guess it's like a bunch of roommates who are synced up. All right, okay. That's it.
I'm looking forward to an all-female Call Me By Your Name. That'll be cool.
That'll watch.
That'll work.
Is a female all-fight club reboot from Greta Gerwig?
Well, you gotta love Gerwig. Also, it says that Heat inspired that North Hollywood shootout. It did? Okay, thank you.
Wait, Heat inspired the shooting?
The shootout.
So if the shooter saw the movie... Oh, I had it backwards.
Way worse.
Same thing happened to my wife with Two Girls, One Cup.
Wow, I didn't know that. That's fucking, that's horrible. Yeah. Remember they made that movie Elephant? It was just a school shooting. It was Gus Van Sant. It was literally just Columbine. It's fucking brutal.
Before Columbine or after?
No, I think it was after.
Oh, okay. Where is Columbine? Colorado. Colorado. That's two biggie, three big shootings out of Colorado. There was a grocery store one. Oh, yeah. And then that. Wow. Colorado. Bunch of potheads, I thought.
Yeah, but it's a lot of woods people, too. Do you have a peeve?
I'm sorry, I have to have a peeve about what? Shooting. That's a peeve of mine on it. That means to graduate to something more than a peeve, doesn't it? We could do better than peeve on school shootings. So what is an irritation of mine? Can I think about that for a second? Give me a filibuster so I can think about something that would be a pet peeve of mine.
Happened to me yesterday. So my wife's pregnant, so she's having all these crazy cravings. So yesterday she's like, I'm dying for pho. Let's get pho. I was like, great. I know the spot. Got us a reservation. We walked down there. This place is jam-packed, but it's a Vietnamese place run by Vietnamese people. So they are just, it's like a fucking Santa's workshop in there.
They're just pumping them in, pumping them out. There's no hello. There's no thank yous. It's just business. So we go, two, please. They go, uh, the bar, the bar. You're like, all right, we sit at the bar. And then the lady's going back and forth, so we're trying to order, and God forbid you have a question. And I go, uh, we finally got, okay, two classic foes. Don't hurt us.
They put the foe down. And there's no sauces. You got to have the sriracha and the brown shit.
The plum sauce. Is it plum? I think it's plum, right? I love fish sauce.
What color is it?
It's brown. Oh, okay.
Yeah. Old Met shirt over here is really all-knowing. I love that you guys have someone on the payroll who's just all-knowing on all things.
It's all confidence. He's mostly looks.
but all right so they put down there's no sauces so uh and my lady wanted a coke zero so i go uh can we get some sauces and a coke zero she goes coke zero and i go yeah and the sauces she goes i heard you and i was like but you didn't acknowledge the sauces so i just was repeating it so you'd have to make two trips it's a peeve that's a peeve the uh i heard you well i'm like i didn't how do i know you you got to give me an acknowledgement that was it
That's a good peeve.
It was tense in there, too, just with the action and the steam.
They're fast-paced people. Yes, yes. All business. There's an intensity to these people.
I got a stern, I heard. The better or worse.
Yes, the food's great and the service was tough. That's how they got us in the war, man. They were crafty. Different angles. They were good.
There's an intensity to the pho people? The Vietnamese.
The Vietnamese.
I will go with one that's wife-related. I would say it's legitimately the only thing my wife does that's annoying.
Here we go. We get it. She's in the room.
Where are we going? Well, I'm volunteering a peeve on my wife while she's in the room.
If it's like, she smells too good. Come on, give me a real one.
It's after I've gone to get what it is I was sent to get at the grocery store, when I get the text while I'm in the elevator going back up to our home, and here are the other three things that I need. That's a peeve. That's a tough one. That's a good one. That's a very good one. That's a good one.
Yeah, we wanted oat milk too. Well, I'm in the fucking toilet.
That's not how it happens. The elevator goes down and it returns with oat milk.
As long as she's understanding that you're already back.
She doesn't understand because I go right back down and go back quietly back to the store.
Oh, so that's on you. She's saying don't check your phone.
It's hard to check your phone when you're holding two bags. That's right, or five bags, which is what it usually is. I'm with you. I think let me know in advance. I got to peeve. I'm working with someone, and she starts every sentence with, let me figure out how we're going to do this, or here's how we're going to do it. There's always a big buildup to what she's going to say.
By the time the conversation's over, it's been like eight minutes of her just leading up to shit she's going to say. She says nothing. circle talk circle talk circle jerk but if talk but she's going uh he goes okay i'll tell you what's going on next i'm like just say it i'm with you why do you need the fucking drum roll we don't need the preamble yeah yeah just say the thing Yeah, I lost it.
I was literally on the way to the subway. I had like 10 minutes to have her do it. She said nothing in those 10 minutes. And finally, I'm going on the train to go, get to it. And some guy looked at me and he's like, ah, I was like, sorry.
I heard you. Oh, man, that's a good one.
I have a hard time imagining Sam being mean to somebody who's not mean to him first.
Wasting my time is mean. Just because she's got a nice delivery system, it is mean.
Yeah, I'm with you on the preamble. There's no need for it. And whatever's coming next better be fucking good.
The phrase, I will say this.
Yeah.
Oh, my God. Say it. Say it. Redundant.
Say it. I've noticed a lot of younger people do this where they go...
actually you know you go uh you know it rained like three inches yesterday actually nah just making up rain thing yeah yeah and also what happened to really we've bypassed really we're going straight to actually yo this is crazy but just fucking just say the thing yeah also i notice people say they don't say i think they say i feel like You know, if I go, I think that movie is a little overrated.
They go, I feel like it's pretty good. No, you think it's pretty good. What's the feeling?
See, this makes you guys crazy, at least in part. Actually is longer than really. I feel like is longer than think. You guys are words. You guys know the economy of words. Like, you need shit to be efficient when you're speaking.
It's also... Good point. I feel like it's never used. Like, you never hear, like, a Holocaust scenario. Like, I feel like it was in 6 million. That would be a good use of it. You're like, look, I don't think that happened. I feel like it's not true, you know?
Yeah. Actually... Actually...
The Holocaust was pretty bad? Guy who has to say it with a question mark. Can I just say this?
You guys are really making a meal out of it.
You have to have the lane in all of comedy at the moment with more comfort with Hitler and Holocaust jokes than anybody.
That's so true.
Like, is there anyone else leading the way? Yes, you. What do you mean? Really? There's a lot of content out there on Hitler. It's not just me.
True, the History Channel. That's a great bit.
Not a lot of it is jokes, though.
I know.
But you got to. Yeah, he's the most famous bad guy. So you got to kind of, it's an easy go. Funny to call him famous. That Hitler was a star, I tell you. He is. I mean, he's the most mainstream, notorious bad guy of all time. Stalin killed more people. We go to Hitler. He was somehow picked that he's the guy.
Star power, charisma. No, come on.
Great public speaker. He had it. He's got a good quality.
Come on.
And great ideas.
It's everything they say about showbiz. You can't take no for an answer. You can't go into Czechoslovakia. Watch me. Yeah, he did his own way.
I'm going to be a star. Mussolini didn't have it. A little boring. Pol Pot.
This is not a catchy name. Come on.
Get out of here. The name is super fun. Pol Pot. Pol Pot, exactly.
Don't get me started on... I do do too many Hitler jokes. I feel like there's one... Idiomine.
Good one.
Idiomine. That's a good name.
He got a movie. He got mean in it.
Forrest Whitaker.
Oscar. He won?
It's nice when you're a dictator and the movie about you, the actor, wins an Oscar. That's all you can hope for. That's got to feel good. They'll make a Castro movie and you just hope the guy can deliver.
It's like the only dictator movie with laughs in it. Can't think of another. The dictator, the great dictator with Chaplin.
There you go.
But what about – Sorry. I heard a great story about Sacha Baron Cohen that I don't know if it's true or not. I love the Cohen. That he had a three-movie deal at the height of – I don't know. Would it be after Borat? It would have to be after Borat.
A three-movie deal, and he makes The Dictator, and it became a one-movie deal that he wasn't going to be able to litigate himself out of because the executive had so much power that he just said, go ahead and try and fight me on it, The Dictator. And then I don't know if it's true or not. I haven't looked at his IMDb, but I don't remember his career exactly flourishing after that with a lot of –
In 2012, Sacha Baron Cohen turns his red carpet romp into a three-picture deal. Hold on, where is it? So why did he ask it? He just didn't like his movie?
He didn't. What happened was the dictator failed. He was saying, what's a movie with laughs in it? And I wanted to make the joke that the dictator didn't have quite enough of them.
Ah, that's true.
Because it flopped, and then he didn't get the rest of whatever that was supposed to be.
He had Bruno, but that might have been before. That was after Borat, I think. Yeah, Borat, Bruno, Dictator, I guess. That's three. But he got a three-picture deal after Borat.
That's the way it worked, but the only one that got made, well, because the illustration of the story was that in Hollywood, the producers and the power have so much power that the stars only have so much power. That even someone like Borat, you're always one dictator away from your empire falling apart.
Whoa, that's crazy. See, we got nowhere to answer to. Even Borat, the most rebellious character of all time, has got a thumb on him.
You gotta fucking hate yourself at the end of the day, though, if you're the producer who's squashing Borat. Yeah. You're the guy who's just like, it's not gonna work, dude.
Well, they made two of them.
Did they?
They made Borat 2. Did they? Electric Boogaloo. Yeah, it was not as good.
Oh, it was on Amazon. Yeah. Whenever they take like 10 years after, though, it's like, you gotta strike while the iron's hot. You gotta, you know. But he made a lot of great shit.
He did, yeah. I think he's a genius. Yeah. I think he went to Oxford.
He is a genius. He's indisputably a genius. Yeah, that show was, that HBO show when- Ali G?
Yeah, that was crazy. Oh, man. Best troll ever.
26.
That's crazy, right? And I think of Ali G and just to make something so good that he could no longer do it because it had gotten so pop culture evasive that he couldn't fool anybody anymore.
And people are starting to do your voice so much that it becomes annoying.
yeah you know it's like when people are just doing like the the snap and all that you're just like all right just let him fucking do it he's he's doing it well yeah well seinfeld has that like everybody what's the deal he walks into howard stern they're all like jerry what's up with microphones he's gotta be like all right i got it but it's been 30 years of that shit and he takes it pretty well yeah but that's part of being that's part of changing comedy true is he jerry changed comedy
Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. He's what you do when you make fun of stand-up. That's kind of flattering.
I went to see him last year. I don't know if this will make you feel a certain way, but he was in Fort Lauderdale, and I was legitimately walking over to get to my seat, canes and wheelchairs, because the demo was so old. Someone in line just died. Yeah. Like, damn it. Because he's 70 years old, right? Or however old he is that you would never guess that he's 70 years old.
And I admire him the way that you guys do as just like as a craftsman on what it is that he created.
Yeah. How was the show?
It was great. I mean, he's still... I know there are some people... I... It's tough for comedy to age. I don't know a lot of comedians in their 50s. Just what's happened with Eddie Murphy, where you remember what that was when it was young and hungry, and then success happens, and why would you be that young and hungry again? Why would you choose whatever the suffering is between... Right.
Specials, unless your personal pride is so strong and your love of it is so strong that you can't help but not get fat on whatever it is that fame and temptation are. Like once you've arrived at an airport hangar filled with whatever with cars that Jerry Seinfeld has, like what's the motivation to still be great? In his case, it's personal pride.
Yeah, and he just loves it. He just loves stand-up. He loves the writing. He loves the whole routine of it. But to your point, Larry David finished Curb, 12 year, 12 season, whatever it is. He goes, I'm going back to stand-up. He did, I think, two shows, and now he's done. So it's a lot of grinding, you know? And this guy's a zillionaire, 75-year-old dude. He's like, I'm not doing that.
Who are the ones that have aged well? Carlin, Rickles, George Burns, Dangerfield. But who of the modern comics that you guys admire, can you imagine in the 60s and 70s still grinding it, doing tour work, being at a restaurant somewhere in Cleveland? in the kitchen because they just got to make the material work. It's funny saying grinding because a lot of them are going to be flying private.
That's true. But Tell and Quinn, they'll be in first class.
Yeah.
They'll be commercial air and they'll be doing clubs and back rooms. A lot of pride.
For sure. Well, let me ask you guys this about a tell because his last special was 39 minutes and he purposely farted out the last three minutes like as a fuck you to everybody. He's still great. Indisputably great.
But like when you guys watch that special and he's throwing away the last three minutes because he couldn't get three more minutes of comedy and he can do that because he's a tell you feel a certain kind of way about it.
Do you judge it? He had that time. He probably just didn't like any of the jokes enough. He's a perfectionist. When we talk about self-loathing, Dave is just very... He's very much like, fuck this joke, fuck this... He has stuff that's enough. It would be better than almost anyone's specials, and he flushes it down the toilet. So when you say he couldn't get to 40, of course he could have.
That was him trying to be funny, I think. And it was funny, him playing the recorder for the last minute or two for the Seals, but...
And a little bit of a fuck you, I think, to Netflix. You know, like, you want this much requirement out of me? This is what you're getting.
I mean, Pryor put out 34-minute albums. Oh, did he? I think time is overrated. Like, good is good. I'll be honest, when a movie is like 90 minutes, I'm like, fuck yes. I'm so happy when a movie is not. Like, holy shit, you ever just look at a movie's runtime and you're like, fuck you. I know. You couldn't tell three hours and 45 minutes. Every once in a while, it's a masterpiece.
But every once in a while, I'm like, dude, you couldn't get it done in two hours.
The greats can make bad choices. The Departed, the way it ended with a rat running across the balcony. That's a terrible ending.
We could have just ended 12 seconds earlier.
It's awesome. It's a little on the nose.
Spoiler alert, everyone dies at the end and it's a bit of a surprise. I don't need a rat scurrying across the balcony because Matt Damon's character was a rat.
Yeah, we couldn't put it together without that. Also, here's a little spoiler. When De Niro in The Irishman says he likes to paint houses, that means kill people.
Whoa!
Not a lot of people get that, but I caught that.
I think the book is called I Paint Houses.
I know.
He's going to paint your house.
You don't watch him. And I like the Irishman. I love Scorsese, dude. I didn't love the Irishman.
The CGI that you have to do to get De Niro at 78 to be beating someone up.
act was incredible i thought the last like yes the last like hour was incredible i thought but yeah let's see that was equally long it was maybe longer it was like a record breaker yeah but at least i felt like wow that was like that hit me at the end i mean just the like you die alone like that that that ending was more powerful to me as opposed to like i got i i at least appreciate that this was a story that was uh
personal to scorsese and that he like really felt it and he wanted to be a part of that ending but i was like it just it just didn't hit me are you familiar with uh gary veder yeah his uh his friend and his opener okay i just didn't know if you knew that story it's just such a great sports story
I don't know the story you're talking about.
Well, he did one of the shows on your network, though. He did Pablo Torres, I think. Yeah.
Finds out. Oh, well, he's told me that his, are you talking about the pod that he does about with his dad and stuff? Yeah. But I'm not familiar with the details of that story.
Is your audience? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But it fills right up your anal. Oh, you'd like it. It's fucking good, man.
Okay, forgive me for my ignorance.
No, no, it's just about his dad was a con man and got him free tickets and they went backstage and he said his son was a Sports Illustrated kids writer and he met Jordan, Tiger Woods. Ew, Elway, yeah, look at this shit. Yeah, Wayne Gretzky.
Tiger Woods, another one that doesn't say anything, by the way, like in terms of how it is that you, that documentary on, I'd recommend that one on Max that doesn't have any access to him. Tiger Woods is somebody who is bland on purpose so that we can continue selling stuff around him without...
him being any kind of controversial there i i don't know who i would cite as the best of the athletes like great great athletes who are also publicly interesting like is there anyone trying to think deon sanders is kind of entertaining yes uh yes that's a good one okay not kind of entertaining super lebron's not a great interview no but he's he's better than these other guys that we're talking about and stands for certain things uh
Steph Curry is excellent. But when you talked about John Morant and face of the league stuff, the place that I went first, right, when you're representing the league and have to be palatable to white customers, like in that league, your majority of your customers are the white customer. Yep.
Steph Curry is a family man, a religious man, you know, his dad and mom before they divorced at the games and stuff like that is a little easier to sell than John Morant on Instagram with his father, you know, waving a gun around.
What if it was a white player with a gun? That's pretty easy to sell to white America.
Ooh, true that.
What if we get Cooper Flagg just holding up a gun? This is fucking, I don't see anything wrong with this.
I saw that Trump the other day visited Max Crosby. Put Max Crosby and Gardner Minshew on the screen for him. Actually, do me a favor. Minshew. Actually, put for him on the screen Gardner Minshew's recent workout video where he was shirtless. Now, this is a guy who in the offseason, purposely, even though he's a Raiders quarterback, lives in an RV.
Once he finds this video for you, I will ask you whether you'd be surprised at all whether Gardner Minshew and Max Crosby, who spend time with Trump and are willing to do so, even though they've got a huddle filled with black teammates, whether or not you think they might be... Yeah, that's it. Really? You have multiple shirtless, sweaty, hairy torsos with a mullet cut?
You're telling me that guy's a Trump fan? But also, I hate to break it to you, Leb, but the young black men seem to be going towards Trump. So I don't know if this guy is that different now.
This one's been confusing to me. That entire generation of men seem to be going toward Trump. But this is, look, whether it's Tucker Max or Andrew Tate or whoever, or Dan Bolzerian, hating women is something that young men who are insecure around women and have had their egos trampled by women because they don't know how to deal with women. It's sort of...
it's not easy to explain i don't i don't know dude andrew tate said if i don't vote for trump i'm gay so i'm like it's tough yeah you don't want to be gay that's the angle they're taking now they're like you want a fucking lady president you're fucking gay dude it's like that's not like and you're like holy shit this might work on a lot of the country yeah i don't know man more pussy to look at
I'm not fucking gay, Dad.
I'm not fucking gay. Get that drop. Get that clip. I just went that on loop. That was good. Oh, I had one more question. I lost it. Damn it.
Just one more, though? I could do this. I'd love a refill if you have some ice. I could do this with you guys for a while.
We actually have to wrap in less than five. What? I know. We have a dinner to get to.
Oh, I had a good one.
Ask it.
I can't remember it now.
Just fart and get it over with.
Oh, I wish I had something brewing. No brew. Hey, how about those brewings? All right. I had something. Really? You said something. LeBron, Tate, Curry, Woods. Minshew, Guns, Trump. Minshew was actually the Vietnamese football place. No, all right. Shit in my ass. What the hell was that? Something with football. Throw in. What?
Throw in. No, no. We should have stopped five minutes ago.
I think we should just stay here. Let's let him think about it. See if we can find. You guys talk. So he asked me, because I said Tiger Woods and he said LeBron, and we were talking about whether or not there is, like, who is the greatest one. I mean, Ali would be the greatest. Oh, that's a great one. Who would be interesting.
He's so funny.
Jim Brown was also excellent as a talker. Jim Brown said one of the more insightful things I've ever heard an athlete say when he was talking about his disappointment in Michael Jordan for not using the platform to do more than just sell shoes. One of the things that he said of Ali was.
Don't ever forget that Muhammad Ali didn't go from the most hated athlete in America to the most loved athlete in America until he lost his ability to speak. You think so?
I mean, he was controversial. Michael Jordan said back, at least I didn't hit my wife. Oh, did he? Yeah, Jim Brown, no?
No, yes, he may have said. I don't think Michael Jordan said that. No, but Jim Brown, yes, Jim Brown. I think Jim Brown threw a woman off of a balcony, if I'm not mistaken.
I'll take Jordan then.
He had moments of insight, though.
It was a good interview. There you go. Threw her off a balcony. What is he, Suge Knight? Good Lord.
You know who else was a good interview? Ted Bundy.
Great on camera. That's true.
Fended himself. Very charming.
No, Jim Brown was good on interviews. It's interesting. I saw him on Dick Cavett once. I was like, damn, he's really insightful and a great interviewer.
I heard a stat about him that was insane. He never ran the ball out of bounds in his whole career.
Wow. That can't be right. Is that right? Is that right? I don't know. Look it up.
That's an amazing stat. NFL film, so. What about Wilt the Stilt? You ever meet that guy?
That was before my time. I did not have anything for you there.
Sexually transmitted? I mean, he fucking... I think he's got the record. He earned it, man.
He says 20,000 women he slept with. Ric Flair says he slept with 10,000. I'm not really understanding quite why anybody would say that. It's actually impossible.
It doesn't seem enjoyable. It seems like you're just like nutting someone, then you're just like, fuck, all right, let's get going again. I got 10 minutes.
Yeah, it's like a hot dog eating contest. You know, dipping women in water.
It's like the draft combine. You're just like, fucking get back to this. Fucking go.
How about, was Kobe cool? Kobe was super interesting is what Kobe was. The stories about Kobe and competitive even with teammates are legendary in terms of somebody gets there, a Rick Fox or a Derek Fisher, and he will push them until... Off the balcony?
The mamba.
he will push them until they're ready to fight in order to test them to see if they're people worthy of being his teammates so like he'll just sit in the space that you're supposed to have for sprints or whatever and just wait he's just alphaing somebody until they they buck up and actually say like Rick Fox did, okay, are we going to have to go? Do we have to settle this by fighting?
He did a lot of stuff like that.
Would Rick Fox throw down? Rick Fox was willing to, yes. He seemed like a tough dude. For a pretty guy, he seemed like he would fight. Pull him up.
Yes, Rick Fox was beautiful. Is beautiful, is beautiful, yes. He does have beautiful eyes. I think both of the people we're talking about are beautiful people.
Oh, throat check. Oh, yeah. He is beautiful.
No, it's Doug Christie. No, no.
The other guy. That is Doug Christie. With the hair.
Yes.
I think he's married to that hot lady.
Holly Berry, I think. Vanessa Williams.
Vanessa Williams. That's who it is. Look at this. Full circle. That's a great place to close. You were objectifying women when I walked in.
Yes.
Mark. Vanessa Williams. Would you?
I think I would. I don't love the race. No. Yeah, of course. Of course. Love Vanessa Williams. Joking. Joking. All right.
Well, listen to Dan's show. It's every morning, right?
Yes, it's every morning on YouTube, Levitard and Friends.
You brought the whole crew from ESPN.
Hell yeah.
And more people, right?
Yes. You'd like the story. I think he would like the story of everything that happened. I'd love to hear it. I mean, we just sort of got run out of ESPN for being counterculture, and we started our own thing, and all of our people came with us and did something not unlike what you guys are doing, something I would have never done if they hadn't pushed me into a place where I had to do it.
Hell, yeah. But it's working.
Say again?
It's working, though.
It is working, and thank you for having me here. I really am an admirer of what you guys do, and even if you don't think it's brave, it's only because you're numb to the bravery in it.
I appreciate that. You're a good man, and you're great at what you do. Watch and listen to Dan's show every day. When does this come out? September 22nd. Okay, so I'll be in Europe. If you're listening, Dublin, Paris, Amsterdam. We added shows in Paris and Amsterdam. Hell yeah. Copenhagen, Oslo, Stockholm, and then I've got Cleveland in November. At Hilarity. I'm not going straight there.
I'm not doing that Stockholm-Cleveland fight. Stockholm Syndrome. Yeah, but then it's punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. Punchup.live slash Mark Norman. Mark, where are you going to be?
Oh, baby. Portland, Oregon. We're at the whatever Schnitzer Hall that is. London, Ontario. Toronto. We ended the show. Newport, Rhode Island. Monterey, California. Oakland. Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland as well, and Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater. The big one. Did I tell you the story? What? With the Chicago Theater? Oh, yeah, you told me. Larry David.
Larry David's going to be there. It's very exciting.
Nice.
My hero.
Do you guys get at all worried, or do you have the confidence and security when you go into foreign lands with your act? Like, you know that that's going to kill? Like, you know that you're going to have crowds and it's going to sell?
No, we're too brave. No, no. You got to roll the dice. People say, do you change up your act? I'm like, it's like a movie. I just play the movie. I don't have an act for everything.
We can break the fourth wall. We can fuck around. Yeah. Yeah, this is kind of the set. So, yeah, you hope. And, you know.
I'd be scared going to some place like Winnipeg or Amsterdam. I wouldn't know.
Winnipeg and Amsterdam. So Winnipeg's basically here, you know?
They're like, thank you for coming.
Yeah.
I'm getting pegged. But I'm going to sell that merch. But Amsterdam, yeah, that's just fun. They're going to be glad you showed up too.
Yeah.
So, yeah, we'll see you in Miami.
Yes, sir. Thank you for having me on. And speaking of bravery, drink Bodega Cat.
Yeah, new bottle.
Liquid good. It's good.
Good-looking bottle. And I'll be in Fort Lauderdale if you and the wife want tickets. I'll put you right in that sweet balcony, baby.
No pressure. All right. Would love to see it.
Less canes than Seinfeld show.
Oh, fewer canes. I didn't mean to correct you. I just didn't know where you were going. So it's not going to be wheelchairs and canes that I'm walking over. You've got a younger demo.
The younger demo, they'll be stumbling out after. But on the way in, they'll be good to go.
They're going to laugh so much that it's going to cause paralysis. And there'll be wheelchairs at the end with the merch where you can Winnipeg all the stuff and merch that doesn't sell in Winnipeg. He's going to give it away in Fort Lauderdale.
And then after the show, your wife's going to text me. Can you do these jokes? All right. All right.
Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for listening, guys. Thank you, guys.
I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might.