It's all pipes and its Sun-gay with a great group as Joe List and Sarah Tollemache join us, leaving that baby in the car with the windows rolled down. Watch Sarah's new comedy special on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyI0le2-__E Podcast Sponsors: Support the show and get 20% off & free shipping on your Manscaped order. Just use code DRUNK at https://www.manscaped.com Support the show and start your free online Hims visit at https://www.hims.com/DRUNK Download the PrizePicks app & get $50 instantly when you play $5 with code DRUNKS Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Joe List: YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@JoeListComedy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/joelistcomedy/ Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/joe-list/tickets Sarah Tollemache: YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@sarahtollemachecomedy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stollemache/ Website: https://www.sarahtcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/?hl=en
Hey, we're here. We might be drunk. Look at this. We got old Sammy the Bull as usual. And then our special guest, the prom king and queen. Absolutely. Joe List and Sarah Tolomash.
Here we are on opposite sides of the couch the way we like it. Right. Couples therapy, how is everything?
Two men in between us, the way I always... You guys used to have the bit about first class, how you get upgraded, but you wouldn't be able to sit together, and you're like, yeah, we're okay with it. Yeah, no problem.
Also, it's really funny. I always think when we don't sit together, if the plane crashes, that I can't be like, can I sit next to my husband while we die? I would just yell. You have to sit separately while we're dying.
I would just yell back, I love you, whatever. Well, that happened a lot because I would buy, so oftentimes I've bought a ticket before and then Sarah decides, oh, I want to tag along some bullshit. So I'll get her a ticket, but first class has already taken up. And then there was one guy, a big Texas guy was like, cause I was already in my seat, obviously.
And Sarah got on half an hour later and I was like, Hey, I love you. And he was like, now I'm out of believe that's your wife going back there. And I was like, yeah, you know, and he's like in Texas, that wouldn't fly, man. You don't let your wife. And I was like, well, she's from Texas and you can blow. Why don't you give her your seat? Aha.
Yeah.
Good point. Give her your seat. You're from Texas.
This is a good internet argument.
That is good. Well, people think it's crazy. And then Sarah only just recently got pre-check and I would leave her in the dust there too.
Oh, that's very reasonable.
Yeah. Gotta get it.
To get it set up beforehand was so annoying. Like I just didn't feel like going to a Staples.
That's how I felt too.
Yeah. But now I did it through clear and you can just do it at the airport.
Oh, wow. I had to go to Staples.
You waited it out. I waited it out, but it took like years.
I think I went to the DMV. I think I did the really shitty one.
Yeah, I went to a place, like the pre-check place. And it was fine. It was easy.
But it is a game changer.
Oh, it's huge.
But what about when you see the pre-check line is longer than the other line? And you're like, how did we get here?
Well, now there's the other one. I don't even want to mention it because I want the line to stay short. But you know about...
Yes!
Yeah, bleep that. You gotta bleep that. Well, we keep giving more. You got the fingerprint, the iris. It's gonna keep... There's gonna be a new thing in the year. I don't care. I gotta tell you. Yeah, my balls.
I'm a bad... Dip your balls in the little thing. I don't care about it. The government... I've always been like this, even going back to George W. Bush. I've always been a bad liberal... That's a bad word now. That's like the N-word, the liberal. But whatever, a bad...
leaning left person because ever since day one i'm like read my emails listen to my phone calls watch this fuck i don't care if i can get on the airport faster i don't care if you read my text i feel bad for you yeah because it's just a lot of a lot of dark horse shit let the government read all my shit we're putting it all out anyway you got the phone you gotta find my iphone they know where we are they know what gay club you're at whatever tiktok knows who you are to a t
Who?
TikTok.
Oh, yeah. China. There were the COVID people who were like, I don't want the government, because they were knocking on doors for people to get the vaccine. They're like, I don't want to get the vaccine. And so they know where I am. It's like, they knocked on your door. They found you. They got you already. Right.
Well, there is a microchip in there, obviously.
But yeah, in my defense, we have a baby. And when we would fly, because I had clear and pre-check, I would take the baby.
Oh. So I'm not a complete monster. Yeah. All right. I guess I am. Remember we went to London? Yes. Yes. Me and him did a TV show in London. They got us free first class tickets. And the wife was like, I want to go to London. And I was like, all right. And it was the same thing. So she sat in the way back of the plane. And I'm in the international first class. It was a whole other ball game.
And that was a fight. Did you bring her back a roller? I did. I gave her a pat of butter. Just the butter. But yeah, that was a rough plane ride. Yeah, what can you do? Six hours later, we made up. Well, she should grab herself by her bootstraps.
Stupid pregnant asshole.
Yeah. This is pre-pregnant. Good point. That was a great time. Great trip. Horrible TV show.
You keep saying that. Cut that. Well, the show's fantastic. Five years ago. Best show I've ever been on in my life. Are you kidding me? No. No, it was really bad.
Piece of shit. It was trash. It was a bad show. It was bad. But boy, they whipped us into shape. I remember I showed up and you're like, you're in for it, fatty. They're going to kill you. And I hadn't done a lick of work.
No, it was crazy. I had to hire a writer. They're like, yes, they work there. I don't know. I showed up with two jokes. They're like, you need nine jokes per topic. It was crazy. I was working around the clock. It was horrible.
I stayed up all night. I did it all night or I crammed all day. I had books open.
Like at midnight back in the day. Remember that? Yeah.
It was like that times 10 for like two weeks.
I never did at midnight, but that show was, it was a lot of work. But they did pay. It is like classic us though. They're like, we're going to give you a shit load of money to come out and do a TV show. We're like, all right, I'll do it. I'm not going to do any work though. Yeah. I'll just take the trip.
We're comedians. Remember that breakfast though at that hotel? Woo! That was something else.
Unbelievable. I like the international lounge. You get the beans with the eggs. I kind of like that.
Oh, I hate the international lounge. It's just different. It's different. Yeah, I don't know. But it makes you realize we're number one, baby. We got a croissant, which I guess is French. But we got all kinds of good stuff. Look at this pile of miscarriage over here.
That's an English breakfast.
You got that right. Yeah, that's all Brit. That's what Sarah's mother makes. Sarah's mother's British. Did you guys know that? Oh, sorry.
Oh, that's right.
All right. Can she cook?
No. Well, I want to say she does really good salads, but she is... This sounds so horrible, but she doesn't season anything.
Yes.
Everything, the steaks are dry. Yeah.
Yeah, bad food, bad weather, bad teeth. Vaginas are bad, too. Dry.
Yeah, dry vaginas.
The whole family. It rains so much. Get a little moisture down there.
Not on social media.
Nah, we're okay. Yeah. Look at that. Sorry. I've tried to do this on stage, and it never really hits the way I want it to hit, but this is a story about Sarah's mother. When Sarah's father passed away, RIP, my mother sent a fruit basket, like a big fruit basket, to the house, and we're all hanging out. Thoughtful.
What?
Oh, wow.
Her mother. Joe needs his fruit right now.
Her mother thought my mother was like, get Joe his fruit. He's got to have his scrapes.
It has to be in a basket, too.
That's wild. Which gave me a window into Sarah. I'm like, this is how you were written. Like, your mother has such low self-esteem. She's like, I can't open. That's got to be.
I don't want to be a bother.
Yeah.
It's probably like the motto of English, even though they colonize everything.
She thinks your mom's just sending you a basket of $80 pears. Yeah. Just some apple slices.
Joe's always eating pears.
Pears are pussy. Oh, oh. Pears are tits. Hell yeah, dude.
Yeah, I hate a fruit basket. You ever gotten an edible arrangement? No. It stinks. It's just like mangoes on sticks and stuff.
Well, it just would go stale, I would assume, with flies around it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
It's bad. Now they got these boxes of food they send you, and they put like an ice cube in the bottom. But the ice cube always melts, and the food goes bad.
Well, that's like one time Joe for a podcast, Factor, sent an- Factor! They sent in all this food, but we weren't home because they didn't reach out. And it just went stale on our doorstep, like $1,000 worth of food.
I got it sent to me, and it was out there for like a month, and it's still delicious. Factor. You guys are crushing it. Factor rules. It's the best.
We love it. Love Factor. Sarah.
Sorry, faux pas. You should call ahead of time to let us know when a week's worth of food is coming.
They might have. I probably ignored it. Yeah, good point. Look at that. It looks like a lot.
See, when hobos get hip to factor, they're going to be eating like kings. They're already porch pirates stealing everything. When they find a factor box, that's food for a week. You need a microwave, don't you? No. Hobos, they eat out of the trash. They're not going to be like, oh, this is going to need a microwave oven. They're eating garbage. Sorry. What was that factor?
Oh, I was just going to say porch pirate. I clammed up. It sounds like a slur. I was like, oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Like a gay slur.
It does.
That's butt pirate. Butt pirate.
Sorry. Butt pirate. Classic. I haven't heard that one in a while. Porch pirate would be, I guess, black?
Yeah, there is a black one that's closer. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, geez. All right.
That one's actually worse than pirate.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Of course. Yeah, butt pirate doesn't sound that bad. Sounds kind of fun.
Arr, ass hurts.
Absolutely.
Like discovering new lands.
Oh, hey matey, a butthole awaits. It's kind of fun.
You pull out the telescope and then you put it in him. A vast ye penis. Yes. Hey, look at that butt pirate. There you go. Pillow biter is pretty clever. Whoever came up with pillow biter, that guy deserves a high five.
I never heard that one. What? Pillow biter? Yeah. Pillow biter. But pillow biter could also be a woman.
Or, you know, whatever. True, true. Whoever's biting the pillow. Well, a cocksucker would be a woman, too. Absolutely. Right? Unlike Sarah. Yeah.
Not me, though.
No way. Maybe a birthday. Maybe. Remember the hookup coupons? Is that a thing?
Oh, yeah, I've heard about that. It's like a good, it also sounds like a good premise.
Right. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. You know, like this is good for one hand job, one BJ.
I don't want my loved one, Joe, rocking them all up and I have to do them all in one night.
Ooh. That's how you should do it.
I would just get tired.
Yeah, I got two pair over here, sweetie.
Some lipstick on. Yeah. I would give one to my mom, not a hookup one. When I was a kid, I was like, here you go, one free clean the kitchen, one hug, you know, one foot rub. You never did that?
No.
You gave your mom a foot rub? What the hell? Yeah, I gave my mom foot rubs all the time. Great son.
This is a Pulp Fiction dialogue. I don't be tickling her nothing. Now, Lewis and Bobby did that one year on You Know What, Dude. It was like a free foot rub coupon or something like that. There you go. Somebody got one and had to rub a foot. A man's foot is appalling to me.
It's awful.
I can't.
I just can't. Anytime I see a man's foot in like a sandal, I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah.
You gotta take good care of your feet.
No.
The toenails are out of control.
Oh, I could catch salmon with these things. Right. That's disgusting.
I don't know why you guys don't like cutting your toenails.
It's all the way down that we're longer than you. We're taller and less flexible.
You can't get down there.
We're not flexible. No, we just don't maintain. Dude, I didn't know you had to wash your face until like two weeks ago. No, I didn't wash my face seriously until I was in my 30s. I just started like, I'm not kidding. Tommy Pope mentioned it in Austin.
He's a handsome guy.
I was like, man, you got like great skin. And he was like, wash my face. And I was like, oh, I've never done that. He goes, you've never washed your face? I was like, no, I've never done it. So what do you do? I just go to bed with the chemicals on my face, I guess. I don't know. No, but like in the shower. In the shower, you get your face wet. No, I don't get it. What? It gets wet.
You get it wet.
I feel like it's good enough.
I was the same way for years and years. No. Whoa.
Have you heard the rumor?
Washcloth. I mean, I know of jizz rag. I've never heard of a washcloth. Yeah, I don't have one either. Who am I kidding? Weird.
Which rumors? The rumor that a lot of white people don't wash their legs.
I never do.
I don't.
I do.
I didn't even know I had legs.
But that's like crazy not to wash your legs.
I don't do lotion.
I don't do anything. I do a little lotion.
Lotion when you have the time.
Lotion you gotta start because I think you look like an old crinkly asshole. Especially with the whiskey. Yeah.
It ages you.
You'll start looking like an old asshole soon.
What about these stogies? That can't be helping the crackle.
Well, I smoke outside and occasionally. I'm not smoking all day, every day. But I mean, look at me. I'm twinkling over here.
That's a nice epidermis you got there.
You got a glow. I steam. The steam room's big.
Sober.
Moisturizer. Moisturizer. Moisturizer. There you go. Whatever it is. But you wash your legs because you shave with it every couple months. Every few months. Yeah. Yeah.
You got to wait to get the good shave.
Where are you guys at with leg hair in the bedroom? On her or me? On her. Some guys are like, get the fuck out of the bed. Like women have leg hair? Like stubble. Not full leg hair. That I wouldn't do.
The goosebumps is fine.
Goosebumps? The great book. The pricklies. Yeah. I'll go stubble because I know that she's been shaving. But if you get a full on hippie chick with the Robin Williams arms in there, that's not happening.
Not a fan of the armpit hair. Oh! I know they think it's empowering, but to me it's just like, you know.
There's a hot, smoking hot waitress at one of the comedy clubs. I'm not going to get specific, but she's very hot. And the other day she did one of these. Yeah. And I saw a big old Richard Simmons come out of there. I almost quit working that club.
She got drafted to the Memphis Grizzlies.
Yeah, exactly. God damn it.
Sarah, armpit hair, thoughts? I actually think it's cute. And did you ever remember like the first Playboy that Madonna did? She had armpit hair.
No way. Yeah. Pull it up. Playboy?
I think it was her photos that she took from a photographer and then he sold them to Playboy. But they had, she had armpit hair.
Interesting. Well, if you're the sexiest woman on earth, I'll allow it.
Second to the left.
Yeah. Oh, wow. Is that Madonna, though? That doesn't look like Madonna. It's got a slopey nose. That's her. Oh, but there it is. That's her with the hair.
They put it right on the crease of the page. That was smart.
Yeah, that's good. She's insisting on the armpit hair, and they're like, we'll put it in the crease. Don't worry about it.
I get it that it's like counterculture. She's pushing back on the man, but not a fan. But I think, though.
It's very Euro.
Yeah.
oh boy she had a body huh tight that's actually a lot of armpit hair more than me she's italian oh gross she probably has that on back but don't you find though i mean you're in a long-term relationship uh like you guys both are right i mean like we've been together for 37 years yep after a while
armpit hair i'm not suggesting this but like you can get into anything different that's like we went to paris sarah was chain smoking sick which by the way i was like we're in paris we should smoke cigarettes sarah smoked about 40 in 10 minutes really i'm a smoke i used to be a smoke oh i didn't know that yeah i smoked for years i wish you didn't do all your caring the baby but i know well small birth weight um he's tiny
me but yeah i was like wouldn't that be fun cigarette if i get to have one i'm like when in rome cafe society and sarah's like that might be fun she's got like three at a time she was doing coke whenever i'm in a casino i whenever i'm in a casino i'll start smoking stogies oh yeah really it's cool i get the respirator whenever my casino by the way
I don't know if this is common knowledge out there. I just went to a movie yesterday with Ari. He's smoking. They got a hold on him. He's smoking cigarettes like a regular guy. He's 48 years old. He's just smoking.
When your friend starts smoking at 48, you're like, it's only when you're in high. I get high school. But when you start smoking at 25, that's kooky. It's weird.
Well, Ari also gets a Mohawk, you know, every two months. He's riding a skateboard. Yeah, exactly. It's like Bart Simpson. Yeah, he's wearing a suit like the Riddler.
I thought that was his most offensive look.
Which one?
The one where he had the bald man. Oh, that was for the bachelor party.
With the mustache?
Yeah. That was ugly. Not even the most offensive thing at that bachelor party. That's true. There he is. Ari's handsome when he goes high and tight, which he has right now.
It works. When he goes normal.
yeah handsome's a stretch obviously it's weird because he looks better wow that's rough he looks like uh like a terrorist osama bin laden yeah jesus he uh he looks better now than he did in like the early 2000s when he had that kind of jewy curl yeah with the crazy glasses he looked really bad even before that because that's he's getting it together here
Well, men get more attractive. It's one of the cruel things about life. Men get more attractive and women go to shit. Yeah. I mean, not yet. Yeah. It happens. Any minute. And I'm out.
I'm on the edge.
His Jewish hair looks like horns. It's not good. It looks like it was drawn by a Nazi artist. Oh, yeah. Oh. Is that him? That's him.
That's appalling.
Looks like Alan Lefkowitz.
You get Hamas now.
How about Alan? Did you watch Alan with Colin Quinn? I saw that. I love Alan. Me too. He's 78, though. I thought he was 73.
78.
He says it on the thing. Wow. That's Trump's age, I believe. Yeah.
Damn. Similar guys.
True.
Okay. I'm the greatest therapist of all time. That's a good soda, Alan. Oh, you're a pussy.
I think I do a better Alan than soda. You got to assert.
We all go to Alan?
Yeah, all four.
I don't anymore. The whole game. I did for a long time. I love Alan. Falling out? You pulled out? Yeah, I think I'm good for now.
Blue cardigan. That was ugly Ari. Yikes. Oh, mama.
He looks exactly like... He looks exactly like, what's his toes in old school, at the beginning, the director. Todd Phillips. Todd Phillips. He looks just like Todd Phillips in the I'm Here for the Gangbang scene. That's right. I mean, that's like dead on. Oh, JFL. I heard JFL's coming back with different ownership.
Netflix?
I don't think Netflix.
Interesting. Massad? Huh? Oh, sorry. Thinking of Ari.
I got you. We're just watching. It's crazy that you guys watch TV.
Are you enjoying it? Parenthood. Having a kid? Yeah. Oh, I'm enjoying it the most right now. This is ideal.
Yeah, it gets better every day. But the first three months are so brutal. And they always make it like it's so hard, but it's harder than you think it is.
No sleep. It's psychotic. Screaming, shitting.
It doesn't make sense.
Really?
Yeah. And then you're by yourself a lot, I feel like.
Right.
Because we switch off. So we're never in the same room together.
Right. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was pretty rough. And also because the beginning, the baby can't see and he doesn't know or she, they don't know who you are. Sure. And so any one of us could just go in there. So there's not even like, yeah, this guy. Right. So they don't even, they're not even reciprocating.
You get nothing out of it.
You get nothing. And then they're up, you're up all night and they're crying and it's not fun. No, it's a nightmare. Oops, sorry.
No, that's it. Well, we're all about reaction. You know, we want to kill, we want to do well, and you're just bombing with this baby all day.
It's worse than bombing. Because it's like, it actually hurts your feelings.
You bomb a corporate gig, you're like, fuck these people, I'm never going to see them again. It's a corporate gig. And you got a chick. Right.
Like I would start taking it personally as if like maybe there's something deep down inside he knows about me. Right. Like he's rejecting me right now.
But there's sweet moments. But it was tough. And then trying to go DuPont. It was tough. But now it's like amazing. It's the best. It's wonderful.
Yeah, he's cute. I love it. Doug Key has a six month old?
Yeah, he's like a few, two months behind us.
Yeah, something like that. And he's like, you get a smirk of a smile and you're like, oh my God.
I love this fucking thing. It's a game changer.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, now like last night I ran home like Cusack to get home before we went to bed and I like opened the door and he was like, what?
and he jogs over jogs he crawls over and stuff now you can get him to laugh which feels good he laughs real hard he smiles and then now he like goes to bed on me like he's like that stuff is that's nice and you feel like um yeah but i do there is a time where i felt like it felt like you're an emcee of a show that never ends that you constantly have to keep bringing the energy because you can't
be like rest your face like you have to be like excited you know what i mean right give him emotion emotion you're fuqua yeah you're already you're going long yeah yeah i'm dancing picking up the purse i'm trying to entertain him the whole time i'm trying to figure out what toys he likes it's just like it makes me want to smoke a cigarette every now and then
Well, it sounds like you might start.
Yeah.
But you get those people that when the baby goes to bed, they crack a beer and all that stuff.
Yeah.
Sure, sure. And also, it's hard to do. Now, like last week, I've been on the road a bunch. When I come home, I had no spots all week, like Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. And I was like, this is how I want to live my life now. Because you spend the whole day with the baby. It ends. You're like, great. I'm going to watch the Sox or whatever. Yeah, yeah. You become a homebody.
It does make it harder to go out.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
That is tough. Don't you ever think, how the hell did babies survive in the Middle Ages? Because they need so much. A lot of them didn't. I think you have eight. You have like a lot of babies. Oh, you have eight. That's true.
You keep pushing them out until they, it's a numbers game.
It's like darts, you just throw them at the wall. Yeah. Even Lincoln lost like so many kids. Really? Go back to like the 1800s, yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. Wow, honest Abe. Yeah. Or like farm accidents.
Yeah. They would just work. That was the other thing. Back in the day, you had a staff. Yeah. It was like eight kids were now plowing the field and milking the cow.
Now we're plowing the kids. Hello, folks. Not us.
We're thinking about fucking a baby, because people, they diddle babies, but like... Yeah, fucking a baby, I hope. You can't. How are you going to fuck a baby? I always wondered that. Like that b-hole is like, it's like a thread in a needle.
We'll be right back.
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Yeah, I think it's all right. But I think, yeah, I think it's more, yeah. Probably not intercourse so much. I thought there was a dog. I didn't even realize there was like a living creature right there. Oh, yeah. It's hilarious.
That's much easier to fuck.
She will not like it. But no, it's great. It's awesome. It's fun. And then you miss, you have somebody to miss, you know, because I don't miss Sarah, but I miss the baby. Sure, sure.
Well, like you separate from him and then you just look at photos of your friend and Do you know what I mean? I don't do that for any other friend, but then when I go to bed, I'm just looking at photos of my baby.
Yeah, of course. No one thinks they're going to be the parent who shows other people the kid photo, but every parent has done it in my existence. Yeah, and you know when you do it. I'm going to do it, I guess.
But you're like, he's so fucking cute.
Of course.
But I get it. I don't want to talk about it.
Right.
You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to be the party bummer.
Yeah. So can I say this? And this is why you'll do it is it's also like a natural, you know, because we're uncomfortable socially with strangers. So it's a natural progression of like.
oh don't you have a baby oh yeah oh you want to see it like it gives you it's not like i want to show people my baby right it's just like the natural thing of like oh this is what you say next it goes to the conversation it's the same as being like boy it's been really hot lately like i don't actually give a shit to say it's hot out sure it's a small talk being polite yeah it just gives you photo of their baby and you're like i don't care yeah right right give a shit about your baby
Yeah. Wouldn't you love to do that just once? Because everybody goes, oh, my God, how about that? Just go, eh, I don't care. It's ugly. It's like every other baby.
Yeah. But also, I'm the guy now that I always hated where I'm going to watch a movie and I'm like, ooh, a new crime doc. It's like, ah, it's a child abduction. Ah, I don't want to watch that.
You know? I thought about that.
Yeah, you got to like, ah. But Manchester by the Sea is still my favorite film.
What about... We just watch it all the time.
We have it on repeat.
Yeah, just go with it. Now it's a fantasy.
Like Goodfellas and then Manchester by the Sea.
Yeah. Great movie. Both of them. What about strippers? You go to a strip club. Do you kind of go, ah, that was a baby. Where's the mom? Where's the dad? Are you still cool with that?
I don't think Joe's going to strip clubs.
Yeah.
I don't go to strip clubs, you idiot. Me neither. Another word from Factor. No, I don't. I mean, I haven't been to a strip club in a long time. I like porn. I'm not saying strip. It could be anything.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No. You don't really watch porn either. I kind of think that. You're watching child porn. You're like, this could be. No, but when the hot women walk by and I stare at their ass as they pass, I'm not like, ah, you idiot. That was a baby. Okay. I'm like, no, I want to come on that butt. Yeah.
What about when a baby goes by? Decent ass.
No, now when a baby walks by, I'm like, nope, not as cute as ours. Okay. Not as cute as ours. That's horse shit. I cannot wait to see how much cuter my baby is than yours.
But what about the fact that it's your baby?
What do you mean?
How do you know it's actually cute? You're going to be biased.
No, you can tell. No, you can tell.
I've seen some ugly babies out there. I've never heard a parent go, damn, my kid's pretty ugly. They can't say it, but they... You think they know? Of course they know. I don't know about that.
Plus, we get the reaction. Everyone's like, oh my God, it's like a Gerber baby.
It is.
Oh, shit. It's like next level cute.
I think his eyes are pretty.
Big blues.
Yeah. Fantastic baby. Oh, let's pull up some real logos.
This is the best baby.
Oh! Oh, my God. That one four in from the left is the thing from Star Wars.
Yeah. The Admiral. The Admiral. The fish. Yeah, that's the Admiral Fish guy. And then there's Mr. Bean all the way on the back right.
Even that one, I'm like, that one's cute. That's normal looking.
Which one?
The second death.
Yeah, he's cute.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's all right. That's unfair.
Well, some of these are early, too. Early, early. Some of them just look. Go to the top left. That one's second. Yeah, that one just kind of looks like Ed Harris. Right. That's not that bad. He just looks like an older baby. Yeah. It also takes time.
They cute out more.
Right.
But I always feel like our baby looks like an old banker.
His old banker.
Like a president head.
I can see that.
He's got a huge Kennedy head.
He kind of looks like Truman.
Yeah.
Big Irish head on this baby.
Oh, there is Mr. Bean.
But I have seen ugly babies.
Oh, that one looks like a ball sack. It's all wrinkly. Look at the Today one. Good lord. Yeah, some of these are bumming me out. That's like a nose job. The black one's not bad.
Mom goes... No, that one's cute.
That's Beetlejuice from Howard Stern.
That one will cute out. See, I feel like our kid looks like that one next to the grown man baby.
As Gillis.
Like, has that kind of look. Old man look.
Oh, wow. Look at that. Well, that's a shame, because we would decide we're not going to put the baby online. He's a private being. That's an adorable baby. That's a good-looking kid.
Yeah, that baby looks like an adult baby, though. He looks like he runs a law firm or something.
But you have this thing where you're like, we're not putting the baby online, and then he comes out so goddamn adorable that you're like, I could really blow up my shit.
I feel like I could sell some tickets. Throw in a baby page. Yeah, you're like, I really... What about modeling? Would you be down for that?
No.
No.
I just feel like there's so many weirdos in that world that I just, even as an adult, there's weirdos.
Yeah, it's actually just weird. Then you can recognize people's children.
I just like watch that Nickelodeon doc and you're like, they're just pedophiles all over. Like you hate being like such right wing talking point of like QAnon, but you're like, there are just too many weirdos out there.
They really are. Well, also, you talk about this all the time. When you go to Houston, you're like, oh, there's these two kids.
Yeah. I thought it was weird when Facebook started coming out. I would see my friend. She wasn't really in my circle of friends, but my graduating class was 900, but I knew her through soccer. And I saw her two boys just riding bikes around our neighborhood. And I was like, it's so weird that I know their name and they know nothing about me. But I could just be like, oh, blah, blah, blah.
Get in the car. Your mom, Julie, said, yeah. I didn't think about that. Like, I know all this information about her. That's why I was like, I just think that's weird when you put your kids. You put so much information.
Yeah, you could really walk up and be like, hey, Pete, I know how you play Little League and you won your game two weeks ago.
I know how much you love candy, too, if you want to hop in real quick. Right, exactly.
What your dad masturbates to because I listen to all of his podcasts. Right, right.
Hey, your mom puts a shoe in your dad's butt. Yeah.
Begrudgingly, but he still comes. That is true. Finding Your Dad's podcast is the new Finding Your Dad's porn, because it's just like, you're going to be like, I love getting jizzed on by men. I know.
That's going to be a real... We have talked about that, like, soccer games, and they're like... Yeah, we've heard Joe's podcast.
Right. Or all of our. It's going to be pretty common, I think.
Well, I attempted a job years ago at this financial firm. It was really nice. And this guy was like... Hey, I heard you on Ari's podcast and I was so mortified that this guy that I was like this business that was proper that heard me on that podcast. But if he listens to Ari's podcast, he's probably okay.
Good point.
Totally. But at the same time, you're like, I don't want to discuss what I talked about. Yeah. On the podcast.
Well, it's weird. We're going to have parent-teacher conferences and they're going to be like, oh, you don't shave your pussy that often.
Right. The principal's like, were you on Comptown? Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, so that's a little weird. Yeah, that is weird. Not to mention the amount of... Bad boy words with you.
Oh, yeah. It would be a kid's bar mitzvah. I'm a big fan of Legion of Skanks. The rabbi loves it.
Well, we have that right now. Like, we're going down to the Cape, and my nephew is like, can I bring my girlfriend? We rented a house. And I'm like, yeah, sure. They're like 15. But then you're like, if this... girls' parents do a quick Google search. It's just me on our podcast being like, all right, fuck it, kid. We'll see you next week. And they're like, what is this? That's true.
Well, we had that one. My sister was like, I bought tickets for Joe's show and bring mom with, and we had to put a kibosh on that.
Your mom? Yeah. Oh, boy.
Because I was like, you can't hear Joe be like, come on your mom's tits.
Yeah.
You know, like you're saying.
Well, it's hard because, yeah.
She's not going to get it. And also she's like... She doesn't even get what I... I think she thinks I'm a sex worker.
Oh, she doesn't even get fruit baskets.
Right.
Well, Sarah's mother is like, you know, quite sophisticated. She's like an intellectual British woman. Like, I would never talk about fucking Sarah. Of course. It's weird to have her come to a show and I'm like, yeah, in order to get my wife to come, I got to stick a thumb in her asshole.
Yeah.
And she's like, what? No, I don't think so. And we have a thing if she watched on YouTube, it's like, at least you're removed from it or whatever. Yeah. But just live and then seeing her after.
Dinner afterwards. Yeah.
It's like, well, we all have different versions of ourselves. Like, I'm not showing that side of me to a 72-year-old British intellectual.
Yeah, of course. And on stage, you're heightened and you're trying to be funny. But you forget that people don't really talk like we talk in the real world.
I dropped the C word around people that weren't comics thinking. Yeah. You know, I just throw it out willy-nilly and they were, like, offended. Oh.
Isn't that weird?
It is. Like, they made me feel bad. Yeah. I was just like, but it's not that big of a deal. I was just kind of like, can we just pretend I'm in England?
I tell this story, I tried to do it on stage, but one time I was at Starbucks and my app wasn't working and I was like, oh, sorry, my app's being shitty. And the woman was like, I was like, oh, so I just, I hang out with fucking animals.
Yeah.
Shitty. Nothing to me.
No. And you're talking about a phone.
Yeah.
I don't get offended whatsoever.
But saying in a work environment. She makes that face. Now you're being. Yeah.
Look at that face. Don't be a twat. Yeah.
but it's so true i did a show in uh louisiana my whole family came out mom dad cousins aunt uncle it was brutal i'm trying to clean it up in real time i'm like and that flipping cum shop you know like oh what am i doing and then we all had dinner later and it was so quiet and weird it was brutal damn it was do you think they didn't enjoy it or they were just too proper or
I think we just were waspy, you know, Gentiles in Louisiana. So we all just pretended it didn't happen and kept going and talked about Trump getting shot.
Well, that's what's weird, too, about clips sometimes. Like we have a company that will do clips for our podcast and they're like, let's throw this out there. And it's like, I'd rather come in a woman's face than have a man come in my face or whatever. And then you're like, well...
My, like, sister-in-law and niece and aunt aren't listening to an hour of us talk, but, like, Instagram, that'll pop up. I know. And I'm like, now I got my sister-in-law and brother-in-law being like, huh, I guess he likes man jizz in his face or whatever.
You know who else did this?
It's so true, though. It's the worst fucking part, and that's how they wrote you in.
I know. You know what's the deal with these rappers? You ever listen to a Cardi B song? It's like, then he put his dick in my ass and I screamed fast or whatever. I can't rap. But do they go to lunch? I guess they don't have parents, rappers. I assume.
They're just like made in a lab.
Yeah, but those songs, those Nicki Minaj and Megan Thee Stallion. She's pretty good. Is she? I mean, I'm not saying they're not talented. I'm just saying it's filthy stuff. I mean, Wet Ass Pussy is the name of a song. That's the title.
Yeah.
Who knows what's in the tune?
Right. This is the oldest sounding you've ever been. Who knows what these kids are doing out there? Jive turkey.
So silly that it's not so offensive, but I remember like Two Life Crew. Oh, filthy. Their songs would be like, bitch thought I was coming in her mouth, but I was just peeing where I feel like.
It's also just rude.
Dude, disrespectful. But like, how do you hang out with your girlfriend's parents after you have that lyric? But I'm sure that's not their concern.
Well, that's ultimately the problem with the world we're living in. And this happens also every once in a while when like, I think Tracy Morgan got in trouble years ago. People say something in a comedy club or Louis, and then it gets taken out, and you're like, but that wasn't for everybody. That was for the people in this room. It's the same with the podcast.
I'm like, this is for this group of people listening. If you take this out and put it over in that other world, we look like psychopaths. That's crazy. I'm not... I don't want this in my mother-in-law's living room. This is for these virgins over here.
My mom would say stuff to me like, I saw this clip of you and I was really offended. I was like, well, it wasn't for you.
It was for someone else. But in their world, it's on the internet.
It's public. I get annoyed when I have family members or people in my life tell me that where I'm like, you could just keep that to yourself.
Not my mom. She needs to tell me. And she'll start with, as your mother. I'm like, I know who you are.
As your mother.
I know it's coming. As a woman. I know you're a woman, mom. Yeah. Damn, yeah. I know what you mean. I would love it if she kept it to herself. We've had arguments over it. Yeah.
But at least we have an outlet. I'd rather deal with some of this backlash and have awkward dinners with my folks every now and then than just keep it buttoned up for the rest of my life at some bank job.
Oh, it's more fun to be outrageous.
Yeah. And it's just who we are. I don't even think we're trying to be that outrageous. No. I'm actually dialing it back.
We're silly geese.
Yeah. Can you imagine going through life in a cubicle and all that? I mean, I used to work in corporate America. It was not easy.
I need a clip of Mark farting on Yamanika and then being like, I'm dialing it back. This is the bunned up me.
I was going to piss in her mouth. Imagine farting on Yamanika.
Oh, it was terrifying. She was not happy. It was a risk. It was a real risk. It was a risk that paid off.
Did you get rewarded?
Oh, she flipped.
Ah, jeez.
She flipped, but we got the clip.
That's fun. Yeah. Nate was another one who did not like the fart. Oh, did you see that clip? I did, yeah.
Nate, no, that's not Nate's cup of tea.
It's so funny, there's people that actually cannot stand farting.
Oh, yeah. Well, Louie, I told you, Louie's, we've been close for a long time. I've never heard him fart. He's never once lifted a leg and been like, and we were at the, like, Four Seasons, first night on the tour for Mark. I'd been on the tour for a while. I got to know the man, and we were in his room, and Mark just went on his bed and rolled over, put both ankles down.
It just goes... And Louie was on the phone with room service ordering food like this. Yeah. That was tough. That's a hard bomb.
Hard.
But it's so worth it.
There's a clip of Louie on The Daily Show back in the day where Louie's like, if you don't find farts funny, there's something wrong with you. Well, I think maybe he thought it was funny. I don't know.
Maybe he was ordering, you know.
I think it was the bed. I'm on his bed.
The bed and the fact that he's ordering food. Yeah, and the legs of Kimbo.
It's just like your poo particles everywhere. Yeah, I was naked too. Well, and...
At that point, I think you guys had spent like 80 minutes together.
Yeah.
It wasn't like your old pals. Yeah. You've taken some real fucking risks.
Well, I'm a comedian. I love it. You take risks, but yeah. That is a big swing. Well, remember that Curb episode where he's like... Your wife? Oh, no, your kid. He's got a pretty big dick. And he's like, how could you say my kid has a big dick? He's like, you can say my wife has a nice dick. And then later, Jeff is like, why would you say his kid's got a big dick? He goes, I took a risk.
And I've never related to a moment more in that show.
I remember Colin not liking you from the get-go at Whiplash. Quinn didn't like you? Well, because DePaulo did Whiplash, if you can believe that.
Wild. What?
Yeah. It's colliding. And then Mark went on after and was like, yeah, this fucking, whatever you said. And Colin was like, who the fuck is this kid?
zinging nick to paul what is he crazy you don't do that that's nuts and he's like i hope this kid dies and but now now you guys are cool nick likes you too now right oh yeah we go way back time yeah we talked we've had some good calls but i mean now who knows where he is now no he's great he's on the capital steps or what just kidding nick Two of the Kings.
He probably is there.
I don't know.
He's listening to this. He's like, I'm going to fucking kill that kid. Oh, people will message me every once in a while and be like, you got to stop. You can't have this man in your life. You piece of shit.
He's good on Twitter every now and then. Like he'll zing Lewis or something and it's pretty funny.
Oh, he's great. He's going to Skagfest.
Oh, great. All right. I can't wait to see him.
That'll be good.
I'll feel it out. I'll steer clear, and I won't follow him.
No, he loves you. He does. Oh, okay.
He said so. Oh, all right. You guys got any peeves?
Yes.
Oh, I got peeves. I got big peeves. I wrote down some peeves. I got one. I blew my wad on the last show, but I got a couple left. I think I got one. How about this? Please.
People aren't on my side. I'm in the minority here.
Oh, I can't wait.
And I don't know if this is a peeve. I don't understand these people. It bothers me, but it doesn't bother me. I'm unaffected by it. It's nice. Let me just say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't understand people that get in line at the Starbucks drive-thru when there's like 15 cars in the driveway or in the drive-thru.
And my buddy's like, let's go to the drive-thru because he doesn't want to get out of the car, I guess. And I'm like, no, let me go in. He's like, I don't like going in. I'm like, just pull over. So I'm like, please, park the car. I'll get out. First of all, I like the steps. I like the dopamine, the serotonin from having an interaction. Agreed.
And now what I do, the people are all, there's literally like 14 cars in line, and I'll wave to the people as I'm walking in, get my drink. There's literally zero people inside. I leave with my tea, and I knock on the window and go, huh? Ha ha. It's crazy. These people would rather sit in their car for 25 minutes just to not talk to anybody. I'm with you. It's not worth it. I don't get it.
Or it's like the people that drive around looking for a parking spot. So they spend like 30 minutes when you could just park in the back and then five minutes to walk.
Oh, yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah.
That doesn't make sense. I think this stemmed from COVID on some level. Like the delivery guy used to have like the handoff. You gave him the money. Remember back in the day? Yeah. And then COVID came and they just always left at the door. And then that just stuck. And I think people got used to like not any interaction.
Interacting is a bummer because you've got to do a bullshit small talk. But I'm with you on this because I think people want to sit in their car. They like the car. I notice people will go get food in my neighborhood and sit in their car and eat it, which to me is so sad. Yeah, I'd rather stand on the sidewalk and eat it.
But we do that on the road. We love it. We go to McDonald's drive-thru, and then we park and eat. Oh, okay, okay. That I find... I'm talking about the parking lot of your work. I'm talking about the middle of nowhere, yeah.
Yeah, me and Salicus went to In-N-Out in L.A., and he wanted to do drive-thru, and I said, park it. The In-N-Out line is like a mile long in that driveway. God, it's a line. It's a little line.
But Chick-fil-A's line's pretty good.
It moves quick. Oh, really?
Yeah, it moves really quick.
I just don't get it, and I like getting out of the car. But Sarah, this is a pet peeve with Sarah. I think this is psychotic. I try to do it as a bit. People don't even understand. Please. We used to take a bus. Now we're doing pretty well. But we'd take a bus. The bus would pull into Burger King to stop, and I'd be like, all right, let's go. And she's like, no, I'm going to sit here.
Oh, that's crazy. I'm like, you don't want to get off the bus? That's wild.
Well, I just...
You're scared it's going to pull away or something?
I think that there's a slight anxiety with something like that.
Don't take a cruise then.
Yeah. I'm not going to leave you. I just always feel like there's nothing important inside for me. You get a soda.
You don't want to stretch? You don't want to get air? She's just breathing in bus air with her legs crushed.
I could probably drive in a car for days.
Really? Yeah. I would actually sometimes not get out on those things. I was just always scared they're going to leave you. Where do you stand on the aisle of the bus?
I get that way with entering a show, going on stage. I feel like I have to be close to the stage. I don't know what. I'm not one of those people that's still getting out of their car while being introduced. I can't.
That's crazy.
I can't have that.
Yeah. How about those people who they bring you up and they wait a little? They want to absorb some of that applause and they start walking slow and you're like, what are you doing? How long do you expect these people to applaud you?
You're not even famous.
You're like a bullshit comic, and they're like... No one knows you. Looking up to the risers. Yeah. I hate that. I also hate when comics do this.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's not good. That drives me fucking crazy. What are you, Hulk Hogan?
How about when I did the LA Forum with Louis, this is like 10 years ago now, and Todd Glass was opening, and he brought up Louis, and then while Louis came on stage, they were giving me a standing ovation. Todd stood behind him like... doing this thing, and Louie got really upset. Because after like 10 minutes, Louie just looked back and realized that Tom was still back there being like, for me?
That's really funny. Oh, it was so funny. He didn't get really upset, but he was like, what are you doing?
I was like, the problem's Louie. I don't want to put it out there like he was mad, but... He doesn't like a good behind-the-back gag.
We've got to have Louie on here, and you have to fart on him at some point.
I promise I will. But it's just funny, though. From Louie's perspective, he's like... made it to, like, the tippity-pointiest top of comedy. And now more people are doing arenas. Back then, like, nobody was doing arenas. He's at the L.A. Forum, sold out, they're going crazy, and his buddy's doing a gag.
I can see that. He's, like, goof-trooping behind them. That is actually pretty infuriating. It's crazy, but also hilarious. Yeah. Well, isn't it funny how comedians want to get laughs, but they don't want to be the butt? We don't want to be the butt of the joke real bad. Of course, yeah.
Well, it depends on what the butt is.
That's true.
I've got to be in on it, but I guess that's the butt.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah, that is a difference. I mean, like, because you're looking foolish in that situation. You don't want to look foolish.
These are good peeves. I'm with you. You've got to get off the bus, get some air. We're not taking a lot of buses these days. That's true. Thank you, folks. The cruise, though, I did a cruise, the Burt cruise, and we docked in the Bahamas. So you're like, I got to go see the Bahamas. But you do have that crazy fear of that thing. And you're like, no, it's pulling away.
And you're stuck in the Bahamas picking coconuts.
I sure as fuck didn't get off the one cruise I did. There you go. People did. I'm not... What if they pull away your passports on the boat?
It takes forever to get off the cruise.
I think you bring the passport.
It takes forever to get off the cruise and then to get back on again.
I know. But a cruise is different because a cruise you have a bedroom, there's a pool. True. A bus, you're on a bus. True. It's insane. And then also you could at least stand by the door.
Right.
You could stand outside, breathe in the air and not have the sun hit your face.
Yeah, that's a good point. They're both fair peeves. I think they're good peeves. Good peeves. Sarah, you got some peeves over there?
Yeah, what do you got there, Stripey?
Well, I don't know if it's much of a peeve, but we were just talking about like, you know in New York when hotels have pools and they act like it's great, and then you're like, it's just a strip of water, and I'm only allowed to be in here for 15 minutes and pay $100? It's like, have you guys been to other pools? I just don't even offer it.
Yeah. And you may as well be a lobster in a tank with all the space you get in there. It's fucking embarrassing. I know.
I like to swim around and thrash. Right. I'm not the sexy girl at the pool. I'm not in a fancy or like a vanity bathing suit. Like I'm in my Speedo wanting to bounce the ball around. Do you know what I mean?
Right. Yeah, of course. I want to swim laps. Dude, best thing for a hangover is just swimming laps. You can feel so good after. No, the best thing is not drinking in the first place, guys.
You stay in school.
I said for a hangover.
It is. Because that used to be my hangover cure. And it has to be cold water. It's got to be cold water.
Oh my God. It's the best.
Barton Springs was always good for that.
Ooh, Texas gal.
Yeah. But yeah, I hate a place that passes off something that's supposed to be cool.
I don't think I've ever been to one. I went to a TWA one. Can we just be honest? Sarah's talking about your birthday party.
No, my friend also showed me one in Midtown. She's like, I was thinking maybe this could be fun. And then we were just talking about like logistically, probably not.
Yeah, well, they gave in smaller. I mean, there's some real, it's like a tub. Right. Like a rectangle this big.
You're hanging out with strangers.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah, you get a toe in, basically.
I like to go to Astoria pool, but they've made it so many rules. Like, you have to have a lining in your bathing suit. You have to take a shower.
You're not allowed to bring your... What do you mean a line?
Like, for a lining.
They check it.
Like, you can't come in with a leotard.
It's like Ellis Island over there.
Where you might be naked.
Wow. You have to wear a swim cap in those things, too? A lot of minorities.
No, but you have to take a quick shower. You're not allowed to bring your camera. You can't bring a towel.
That's horrendous.
But then when you do go, you're like, I kind of understand why there are rules. Because even with that amount of rules, it's still chaos.
I believe it. It's weird. I used to go to the rec center constantly and swim there. And it's, dude, all old Asian dudes. And a lot of just old people who are there every day and somehow still fat. I'm like, I thought this was like the healthiest thing you could do. And you're looking at these guys body like you look like a fucking jellyfish.
There's certain accounts I watch where I'm like, they're working. They put their workout videos all the time. I'm like, it's been five years and I have not seen results.
Right. Like, what are you doing? That was an old George Carlin bit about what's his toes? The guy that just died. Richard Simmons. He's like, Richard Simmons is proof you can work out all day, every day and still look like shit. Rest in peace.
Didn't he just die?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Also, there was a guy who was a famous walker from New Orleans. Famous guy who was a walker. His whole thing was walking, and he died walking. He had a heart attack. What's that guy's name? I can't think of his name.
Forrest Gump? Paul Walker? Yeah.
Paul Walker. He did die. Maybe he flipped his car. His whole thing was like the walking guy. That was like his thing. You got to get out and walk. You got to get steps. And then he died. Got a heart attack while walking.
I always think that with these people that talk about longevity, I'm like, you shouldn't talk about longevity until you're like 90. True. Because now that you're like 38, being like, this is how you live a long life. You're going to look like a jackass if you die. Yeah. I know. And it happens.
Some of those guys have heart attacks.
Wait, there's a lot of those guys that are like really into biohacking. And I look at them like, you look so gross.
oh really like that one guy who's um harvesting his son's blood what do you know that one he's like yeah he takes um transfusion of his young son's blood and interjects it into or injects it into hey that's not bad wow he looks like right back at the kid now he looks like a a vampire pull him up biohack i think that is the guy
Blood injecting. Blood injecting billionaire.
Is the kid cool with it? Or is he doing it while he's sleeping?
I don't know. But it just seems like some wild billionaire. Like 30 Rock story.
Oh, I have seen this guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's too smooth. Yeah, it's a little weird. He's like an android. Yes.
Also, I can't imagine dating someone like that.
How old is he? Don't die, don't die, don't die.
How old is he? He's 50 something maybe.
Oh, he looks good. Wow.
46.
He's your age. It's weird to be this obsessed with it.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're not fun.
No, definitely not fun. This guy's a nightmare to hang out with, I guarantee you. Hand this guy a Dorito. He probably goes to bed at like 7 p.m. Yeah. Oh, my God. Is that Grandpa? Jesus Christ. These guys are all fucking. Yeah, it looks sexual.
It does look a little funky.
I think Matt Wright's touching his stomach. He's like, that's a sexual move for sure. Yeah, too intimate.
Is he a billionaire? Did it say billionaire?
Gotta be. I'm like, what's his... Yeah, what is that touching his belly there?
Well, I think this is the guy, too, that eats like 1,975 calories a day and he eats the same thing at the same time every day. Sometimes you talk to these people, they get ripped up and they're like, I eat three grapes at 2 p.m. and at 9 p.m. I eat a bag of salad and I go to bed at 10.01. You're like, but you're not living a life. No, that's true.
You're living long, but horribly. We had a friend... We all died 63.
I hanged to go eat a rotisserie chicken to get protein.
Wait, bless you. I loved a rotisserie. Me too.
I did too, but to be like, sorry guys, I gotta eat my chicken.
I don't even remember that. Yeah. All right, I'll leave this for a pee. Ah, that worse. Oh, here he is with some Kardashians. Man, that guy is smooth.
Yeah, what's your peeve?
Well, this one's kind of easy and hacky and we've all seen it, but it happened to me so bad the other day that I couldn't... The lady at the restaurant who orders a ton of shit on the menu and has to take a photo of every food item.
You hanging out with Gary Veeder?
Oh, he does that? Yes. Oh, my God. Like, I couldn't eat. She's like, hold on, hold on. It was like six of us at a restaurant. And she's like laying it all out. So then she stood up on the chair and did one of these to get all of it. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to eat the food. Everything came out. She had to get up.
Does she have a blog? Is she a person or she just wants to remember?
It was a very pretty presentation. I think she just wanted it. We were at this dim someplace in Midtown. Yeah, really good dim. That's what I ordered. And it was, the food was great, but it was very cool looking and they'd open it and like smoke would come out and all that shit. They're inviting it.
They're teasing it.
Yeah, they want that. It's free promo. It's Instagrammable.
Exactly.
Oftentimes I take a lot of photos because I just want to have the memory to remember the thing.
That's fine.
But she's slowing down the meal. Not letting anyone else touch it is crazy.
Yeah. Like, imagine if you were in an orgy and you're like, let me get those tits. Like, no, I want to squeeze them.
Right, right. Just get in there and lick them and eat them.
Right. So it ruined the whole sum.
Yeah, I hear that. It's dim. I hear thee. But yeah, if you're not allowed to touch the food, I think that's goofballs. That was the problem. Get some candids.
Yeah, take all the photos you want, but let me eat normally. I had to wait and be like, you good? Am I alright? Can I go in on the dumps now? So that was a problem. Yeah, I don't like that one bit. And I guarantee she won't even post anything. I think she's just like, you never know.
Right. We'll see. I got one. I don't know. Did I do this one yet, Matt? Let me know if I did this. I'm in the bathroom, in a public bathroom, and there's a guy peeing from like six feet away from the urinal. I don't care for that. Far back? Yeah, far back.
That could be fun, though.
Quite a stream on that.
Yeah, easy Steph Curry. I mean, it's like, it annoyed me. I was like, I don't want to see your fucking dick.
Was it a good pee stream?
Yeah, it was very healthy. It has to be. Of course. He was launching it from fucking 30 feet. Jeez.
Of course. Yeah. And a hook shot. Yeah.
Yeah, I don't like that. I get right in there. I'm like all the way in.
And I also do.
You have to be. I do. Yeah, absolutely. I block this side with this hand and I block with this. I don't want anyone seeing my dick. I do the same thing. And it's not that I'm embarrassed by my dick, even though my dick is embarrassing. I just want to be considerate. I don't want anyone to have to see my dick. Oh, interesting. It's for them. It's for them, exactly. I see. Same at the gym.
I go towel and then I pull the other way down because it's like no one needs to see my dick.
I don't know why you guys get that. In the girls' restroom, we're not peeing openly next to each other.
You guys are like pampered in the women's room.
I don't know why it's different for you guys. Who created peeing?
openly next to each other well it's very efficient when men are all about in and out efficiency it's not about feelings or privacy our line does move but i heard this statistically ariel elias has a joke is because something about you guys don't wash your hands matter is that no who does not after urinating i do what you're a lady
Especially in a public restroom. But yeah, that's right.
I have brought up like... Depends on the public restroom.
If it's an airport bathroom, you ought to believe I washed my hands. Wrigley still has this, by the way. Oh, yeah. Wrigley Field still has a trough. It's fucking insane. It's pretty gross. Oh, it's horrible. I'm a stall guy. What's that?
Doesn't it splash up?
Urinals splash all the time. My shorts were all splashy the other day. Yeah, that's embarrassing. But you get to an age, I don't even care. I got pee spots everywhere, splash. I'm like, what are you going to do?
We pretend they're like islands.
Yeah. Every night I take my pants off and Sarah's like, you got a huge pee spot. It looks like Hawaii. Yeah. Massive. Different state every night. Yeah, we did. Is that New Jersey?
One night I did Alaska. I think I drank too much. Philippines. Now see, I have a theory. You go to some towns, and there's these urinals. See the white ones there with the red? What's that red writing to the right? Oh, yeah. You see those all over, like very white towns. You get the partition in Mixed Town, because I think black guys came in, and you had to... You can't compete.
You don't want to see the dick.
You don't want to see the dick and you don't want him seeing yours. He's coming in there with that thing with a fucking magnum light.
It's not a bad theory. This is one of the great conspiracy theories I've heard in a while.
I can get behind it. I don't think so because I was at two different Chicago airports over the weekend and neither had them. And that's a diverse city.
Absolutely, yeah. But I think it's newly diverse. I don't think they've upgraded.
Deep in Alabama.
That's all white. Okay. There's no partition in deep Alabama. Huh. Check it out. Get your head on when you go to these towns, and I guarantee you there's no partition in Salt Lake City.
Well, the partition also now, now I'm seeing some hire at the airport. They need them high, because it's the face that bothers me. It's not the dick. I don't like your face so close to my face. I get that. I want a full... But dick showing. Yeah, exactly. Have it just up here.
Yeah, a glory hole.
There's a little flag. Now, I've had this before. Have you ever had this? Now, I urinate. Isn't it nice?
It's a clear partition. That looks like Asian. Like pan or something.
Yeah, they're blocking the wrong part. Right.
See, I like to pee in a stall because I like my privacy and I got a bad head-dick connection. I can't. What do you call it? My wires are crossed. Stage fright. Stage fright, yeah.
I love this ADD, though, too. I like to focus. I'll just be pissing sometimes, and my girlfriend will come in and just talk, and I'm like, I can't listen to your day while pissing.
We're similar pissers. You make me feel better. I remember we went to the movies that time, and you had to keep pissing, and it makes me feel better. Oh, I pee nonstop.
Pull up the P.J. Clarks urinals. These are kind of fun. Whoa! What the hell? I don't want to ride it. Have you seen these? These are like the iconic New York urinals. That looks like a Segway. Have you seen them?
Oh, those are classic. Yeah, yeah.
Those are kind of fun, right?
That's like free civil rights urinal. What's it called? Still has that. McSorley's has ones like that. McSorley's is cool. Yeah, I love McSorley's.
That's a lot of piss bit on those urinals. You want to do bits? Sure. Or Rex.
Oh, I got a good movie rec. Me too. You guys are a big movie couple. Yeah. Okay, I'd never seen this. It's a 90s kind of western noir I just watched the other day. It's called Lone Star. I don't know Lone Star. It's a John Sayles movie. It's with Chris Cooper. It's fucking incredible. I don't know Lone Star. I loved it.
I like Chris Cooper.
I do too. It's a great cast. Awesome guy. Young McConaughey is in it. Oh, yeah. Remake? Looks like it. No, it's such a good script. Oh, 1952. Oh, it was a movie in 1952?
But that might be a totally different Lone Star. It's a common term. Was it a Texas cop?
It's good, yeah. And it's a story about his dad. Yeah, it's got a hot 92 on Rotten Tomatoes. That says 91, but we'll let it slide. Sorry. It was still good. Yeah, good cast, good movie.
I like Chris Christopherson.
Oh, I love Christopherson. Who else you got there? Joe Morton. Elizabeth Pena. I don't know her.
She was in La Bamba. Oh, I know her.
In Rush Hour. She died very young. Uh-huh.
She did.
96.
Okay.
What can you give me a little premise plot?
Yeah. It's basically, he's the town sheriff and, uh, And his dad was the town sheriff before him. And there was kind of a they discover a body and they think it's the body of this other sheriff. And they think maybe his dad was the murderer and his dad has a spotless reputation and certain things come to light. Oh, baby. It's a slow burn the way it unravels. But it's man.
It's like the construction is so good. There's so many characters and they all kind of serve a purpose. It's great. I'm on it. It's an old school... It's very literary. It's old school and it feels like... I don't think it's based in a book, but it feels like... I love movies that feel like books in a good way. Yeah. Isn't it crazy that there's just movies that just slip through the cracks?
This is one of them, dude. But I looked it up. It's got high audience and critic score and it's... I bought it. I just bought it on a DVD because I heard it was really good.
That's a good feeling when you buy it off a shot and it turns out great.
Yeah. There's so many good noirs in the 90s that I just didn't know about. One of the ones I wrecked on here was The Simple Plan. I fucking love them. I love Simple Plan. It's like that type of forgotten awesome movie. I watched him play recently, Sam Raimi. I saw that in the theaters. I loved it. Whoa. Incredible.
Yeah, what do you got?
What's your rec?
I got two big, fat movie recs. Hit me right in the pooper. One new, one old. Maybe you've seen it. Documentary called Flipside. Do you know about Flipside? Flipside. Chuck, our podcast producer, sent me the trailer. Pull up a little bit of this trailer. Can you show a trailer? It's new. It's new. This movie has all kinds of feel.
It's about a record store, but also about a midlife crisis, about art and creating art. You guys will really relate and connect. Really? Unbelievable. It's emotional. It's beautiful. Oh, I can't wait. I don't know if we're allowed to show this.
This is the whole movie.
What town? This is out in Jersey.
It's 1993. I'm 22 years old, and I never leave the house without my Hi8 camera.
A multiple award-winning documentary called The Target Shoots First. Documentarian Chris Wilczek joins us this morning. Slick TV commercials.
Oh, wow. Yeah, it's all about... I mean, it's just really amazing. It comes all about midlife crisis and creating art.
Wow.
It's just really beautiful.
You've got to deal with Judd.
But it's all about this guy who created Deadwood is in there. There's this jazz photographer in there. It's this guy. There's so much going on. It's so well done. It's like a masterpiece. Wow. All based on this guy who owns a record store. Huh. But it makes you nostalgic. It looks like Kurt Metzger. Oh, yeah.
So it starts about a record store, but he actually goes inward on himself.
Yeah, so basically this guy, he's a big, famous commercial director, and then he did, what's this show called? Who's the guy on fucking, ugh. My mind is mushed now.
Hit me with it.
Not PBS, but NPR. Ira Glass. Ira Glass. He directed Ira Glass's show, and he kind of feels like he becomes a sellout. But then he's this beautiful artist. Yeah, he did the TV show. Oh, that was really good. It is a beautiful film. I had Matt Wayne watch it. He's like, I was crying the whole time. I found the feels. It's beautiful.
I can't wait.
2008. 2008.
I'll just give you the poster, the quote.
The blurb. Eight years ago, his wife was murdered. This is based on a book by Harlan Coben, right? Maybe. I read this one. Yeah, it's a good book. Get this.
Eight years ago, his wife was murdered. Today, she emailed him. Yeah, yeah. It's the book.
That's a slug right there.
93%.
I'm going to check it out.
Yeah. This guy writes like just... He's written like 50 books or something. He just burns them out. He's like a... You see his shit at the airport all the time, but he just...
uh all this stuff is like the twists are crazy yeah oh it's really awesome a lot of twists and um fantastic yeah so uh those those are my two movie good wreck i'm gonna watch this movie i'm gonna watch them both yeah please sarah you gotta you gotta wreck
I only have one rack and I can't remember the name of the movie.
Perfect. We'll figure it out.
But we watched it together so you can maybe, it's got Anne Hathaway in it.
She's big.
And she works, she gets hired to work at a. Devil Wears Prada. No, at a, like a prison. Prison. As a therapist. And it's set in like the. We've watched this? I think we watched it. It has a good, Eileen.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's based on a book too.
And I like the twist. I wasn't expecting it and it was really good. It's dark.
82.
We're dropping off a little for Sarah's pick, but she's a woman. You got to scale.
I don't get to watch a lot of stuff these days because I'm just watching our kid.
Yes. Boy, she's a good looking lady, huh? Oh, absolutely.
She was great in this.
You see her cans in Brokeback. That's why I watch it all the time. Pull them up. As if they were to be like, to make up for all this gay shit.
Yeah, yeah. Here's some tips.
Nice set of big juicy cans.
Yeah, I hear she's a nightmare to hang out with, but great jugs. Yeah, that movie's good.
That's my rec.
Good one. I gotta tell you, I just watched Going Clear. I've been on a Gibney doc. That's a good one. Love Gibney. Yeah. Did you see the Paul Simon? Yeah. Snoozefest. Yeah, it wasn't the best. It wasn't the best.
His best work is Catching Hell, the 30 for 30 about Bartman. That's like his best movie, I think.
Oh, man.
It's amazing. Oh, it's the best 30 for 30.
Really? Well, you guys both watched the Pete Rose. Yeah.
Yeah, it was awesome. It was good.
I got to watch that.
Gibney's daughter we worked with on a short film. She was at NYU. She was doing DP work. Double penetration.
That's what she was doing.
That should have made me laugh that hard. No, that was just sitting there.
Gibney rules. That Gonzo doc is awesome also.
Oh yeah, that's great. Love a good doc. You ever seen the exit to the gift shop? Oh, yeah.
Did you watch Tickled? Yeah, that was fun.
Tickled was great, yeah. That's another one. That's a weird one, right?
It was good. I like a doc where it begins, they are working on this, and then they take a hard left and get sidetracked with this other project.
Yeah, that's cool. By the way, new doc coming, Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian, coming soon. Portrait of a Comedian. Where can we see it? It's going to be, we're going to do a screening in New York. Trying to do October. It's in the works right now. I just had a talk today. We're going to try to get it. You guys got to come and check it out. But probably in October. You're in there.
You're in there for a second. I'll take it. And we got into a big festival that we can't announce yet, but that's exciting. I think it's going to play at Skank Fest. And maybe they'll go on Punch-Up. Are you guys around Punch-Up?
Punch-Up is great. Follow us all on Punch-Up. Punch-Up.live slash all of our names. Punch-Up.live slash Joe List. Sarah, are you on as well?
No.
It's great.
I'm thinking about it with my special with the YouTube monetization.
Punchup.live slash Mark Norman. Punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. All our tour dates. A bunch of extra stuff. And yeah, I'm pumped to see this doc, man.
Yeah, I think it's really good. I mean, obviously, I think it's good. It's like your baby looking cute. But I think it's really good. I think there's some emotion. There's a lot of stand-up. It's about regret and sobriety and friendship. And Tom is just hilarious. You guys know Tom.
He's the funniest guy.
Hilarious. And then Key West is a character itself. Perfect.
Yep.
Ah, were you able to?
Salicus was great. I mean, yeah, Salicus was great, obviously. Yeah, of course. No, he was awesome. And Salicus was a big part of it. He's an associate producer. He did great. He interviewed me, and I was annoyed. He was asking me. I'm like, what are you doing? I don't want to be interviewed. And it ended up being a key part that we needed in there. Oh, all right.
And just a great travel partner, Salicus. Yeah. It was a three-man operation. It was me, Patrick Holbert, and Salicus. And Patrick Holbert, by the way, shout out to him, wonderful comedian. And if you ever need video stuff, leave this shithole. He's the best. I mean, he is the top of the line. Matt didn't smile. I feel weird now. He's tough not to crack. But yeah, it's a real passion project.
And it cost me more money than I want Sarah to know. But it's really good, I think.
In the grand scheme of movie making, pretty cheap.
Yeah, yes. It costs a lot less than Jurassic Park, but it's coming straight out of my wallet, for God's sake. But I think with those ways, we might be able to make it back, maybe.
And also, if you haven't seen Joe's movie, I'm sure a lot of you have seen it, but Fourth of July, that Sarah's also in, great movie. Oh, yeah, where's that at? Where is that, Louis site? It's on everything now.
It's on streaming. I think it's on Amazon now. Oh, how cool is that? Yeah, I think it went everywhere now. It got a nice little bump from that.
Do you get like a nickel? I guess that goes to Louis.
No, we never recuperated our money. Look at those scores, huh? But the audience score is like 88% or something like that. Worse than Eileen. Yeah, look at that. 89% box office.
Yeah, well, you were, I think, getting criticized for something else, too.
That wasn't... Oh, there was 89, yeah.
We were on a curve.
Yeah. I thought it was terrific.
Oh, thanks. Everybody liked it that saw it.
And what was I going to say about that movie? I forget. But yeah, it's everywhere now. You can go check that out.
Boy, they throw that box office USD right up there, don't they? Yeah. Good Lord. I really kind of nailed it.
Yeah, but you know what? If you look at some other movies that had a big production behind it, some of them are making that amount.
Oh, we beat the Leonard Cohen doc that came out the same week. That was a good doc, too. Yeah, yeah. We got more money on that, but no, I'm not making any money on it, but I made money because I made union money, but Louie hasn't recuperated his money, but I think he will eventually at some point.
Yeah, yeah. Same thing happened with Horace and Pete. I think everybody was like, what the fuck is this thing? And then he sold it for millions to FX or something.
Yeah, but it was awesome. And then while we're plugging, can I just do one big show coming up? I feel like you guys have a lot of New Yorkers. November 9th. Town Hall, New York City. It's a big deal. I'm doing all these other clubs. You can find all my dates at Punch-Up. But Town Hall, November 9th. Very excited about that. Buy tickets, guys. That's going to be big.
That's going to sell out.
I hope so. So we got a nice chunk, but I got to fill it up. November 9th, Town Hall, during the New York Comedy Festival. And yeah, those are my main.
You think you got a hot new 50? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm shooting in October. We just had that coming.
Wow. What the hell?
You keep pumping it out. Well, I'm trying.
Wow.
But yeah, so do that. Where are you going to shoot? I think Zany's, Chicago, Rosemont. Are you definitely doing it or not sure? I'm pretty sure. Yeah, pretty sure. I'm actually going to shoot downtown and Rosemont. And then either maybe cut it together, but at least have one and then have some for bonuses. I love it. I just, I like clubs.
I like, I like doing the clubs and Louie always says, he's like, you should shoot your special in the venues that you're doing. It's like I do the Wilbur and I'm doing town hall and I did a big room in Chicago before, but I'm like, I don't want to be the guy that comes out in a stadium, but I'm like, I like the club.
Some specials. I'm like, this looks like it was filmed in an airplane hangar.
oh for sure yeah those ones that kind of shot in like studios yeah what a weird place to shoot this and that regan improv with whichever one that is it's one of the i walked the moon my number one all time yeah one of the great specials and you feel like you're at the club it's so good yeah so i'm uh yeah i'm excited we'll see what do you got tolamash i got my special coming out that one's old i should update my website god you look gorgeous sarah
September 5th, shot at Grove 34. I was almost like nine months pregnant.
Wow, fun.
Yeah, and it's called But Whole Money. September 5th.
Watch it. Sarah's a great joke writer. Love her jokes. Definitely watch this special. Yes, good comic. Another one already up. It's darker.
all right it's got i found i feel like the jokes are more fun yeah than i usually get to do oh all right do a bit or should we just do days oh sorry i started prematurely i think i used all my bits on the last show unfortunately i didn't i didn't think about it sorry can i try one because i want to try this tonight i got i got a thing too i just want to try tonight is this anything it's a quick one my girlfriend always cleans my apartment and then complains i don't hire a cleaning lady she's like why don't you hire a cleaning lady i'm like well the same reason i don't get a prostitute you're crushing it
That's funny.
Is that something? All right, I'll try it tonight. I just want to run one quick. Yeah, no, that's hilarious. I'm going to try it tonight.
That's funny.
That's really funny.
Think of this.
Yeah. No, I'll give it a shot. I just want to make sure it's not trash.
No, no, that's good. This kills, but I don't know where to go or what to add with it, but this is a true story. I was walking through the airport, and a guy walked by and just put it like this. He goes, comedian.
i'm like oh thank you i don't know like yeah that's the level i'm at like people don't say like i love you you're hilarious on my name he just put like literally like this comedian did they do that with a lawyer yeah i tried i'm like pilot accountant um but uh yeah that was a funny thing that happened have you tried just that
no i've done it a few times and it gets like a huge laugh but then you're just one of those things where you're like that's it all right that's the end of that maybe yeah i like the line that's the level i'm at is funny right right uh i'm not getting an oh my god right yeah and your knowledge of what i do for a living don't even want a photo yeah right yeah yeah that could be a funny follow-up do you want a photo i'm good yeah yeah i know you guess what he does
yeah maybe that could be oh yeah what do you look like just a guy i mean it was like literally like he was moving fast like he looked like i mean he looked like a hundred percent of the people that know who i am like a 38 year old guy in a hoodie with some stubble maybe it's the nicest thing anyone has said to you that's just walking by you know it's usually like homo fuck you yeah piece of shit tiny dick yeah this guy come here you're like i'll take it
I just remember we had a kid here. Isn't that weird? Oh, right. It's so easy to forget that you're like, we have a baby in the other room. You should have someone watching it.
He's in the car.
Yeah, that's fine. He's in the car. We just have him on. There's a moment where you're like, you're ready to come out there, and you're like, he's just bleeding. It's only like 78.
Matt, can you crack a window in the car? All right. Maybe I got one that's similar, but it's got no ending. Oh, perfect. Okay, sorry. Oof. Ugh. So I got this idea where I saw a guy puke on the subway car, like puked right on it. A guy saw it. He puked because, you know, he's like, oh, you know, and then I got a whiff and I almost yacked. And I thought it's weird a puking makes you have to puke.
And I thought, why can't orgasms be like that? And that hits. And then I go, that would actually make the guy rubbing around the subway like a good thing. You know, now you see a guy like rubbing out. You're like, look at this piece. Yeah.
that's funny but then i don't know where to go so i got the two laughs there and then nothing well i would start rubbing it out too in order to get an orgasm like it's only a smell right oh like what are you yeah i guess i i went off smell it's just like i saw a guy puke but yeah orgasm why yeah that's that's that's a good point i would go the other way though i'm like then a guy drinking up the subway would really be a problem
Now we're all showing up at work with cum in our pants. Like now, because that's kind of also funny to downplay a problem. It's not really a problem for me. A guy jerking off to the subway, I'm just like, well, whatever, I'll look the other way. But in that case, I'd be like, oh, my pants are ruined. That's better.
Shit, I shouldn't have worn white pants.
Right.
Well, everyone will want to ride the subway now.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll pay our debt back.
I'm just downstairs at the 42nd Street subway all day waiting for a guy to start jerking off.
Right. I'll break my wife. She can finally get off.
Yeah, that's really funny.
I like that it's a problem more. Yeah. Because I went with, hey, this is great. Right. But that's less funny. Okay, okay.
But the whole idea, though, of puke making you puke and cum making you cum is funny. Yeah, I like the turn.
All right. Anything, Mom?
This one recently, I don't know if it's kind of hacky, but I feel like no one's talked about this part of it. Do you know when you buy coffee and then the barista or the person that registers like, okay, I'm just going to turn the iPad around and it's going to ask you a question where I'm like, why do they act like they don't know what the question is?
Oh, yeah. It's a tip, right?
Yeah, it's the tip. But why are they just like, you know, it's like it's beyond their control. Like we don't know what this thing does. I don't know. What did it say? Did it call you a c**t? Yeah. I just act like it asked me how many like sexual partners I've had.
Right. I'd rather that than the tip. That's funny. Do you swallow? All right. All right. Just let me give you 15% and move on.
Or then I just thought about like I also have an iPad. And it's going to ask you a few questions. You flip yours over. Let's just stick two iPads talking to each other. But I just get annoyed that they don't have the balls to say it's going to ask you for a tip.
Right. Yeah. I like that. I'm going to ask you a question is very like what it's very no accountability. Yeah. Right. Right.
Because I actually tipped somebody on the Upper East at one of these. Oh, I was furious. Where they just grab your thing for you. And it was so expensive. And Joe was like, what do you do?
No, I was like, no, no, no, no. We don't want to do that.
I just did it as like people pleasing, like automatically, just like 20. And just like, no. And the guy was like. And the guy couldn't return.
It already went through. Oh. It was literally a bodega where you get your own food and hand it to the guy and then he scans it and then Sarah tipped 20% and it was the Upper East so it was like 40 bucks.
It was like granola and yogurt. It was $40. Just go boop, boop, boop. And they get used to it. Then if you don't do it, they give you a look. Right. You're the asshole.
You bought a car. Oh, you already tipped 20% on the car.
Sorry. Sorry. You're in debt.
What about with the iPad? Just to throw it back on them, she's like, it's going to ask you a question, and you go, I can't read. Yeah. So now she's got to say it.
Oh, that's not bad. Right.
That's good.
I can't read. She's like, there's actually no words. I like that I can't read. It's just a dollar sign. It's just numbers. I can't read numbers either.
I'm blind. I'm so stupid. I'm blind to something. I'm Amish. I don't know what this is.
The one benefit to being blind.
Yeah, no less tipping. You're like, oh, there's a 20. Give him a dollar. That's not bad.
I'm tired of tipping.
We all are. It's an epidemic.
These people with their iPads and whatnot. The worst one I had was in Key West. It was like a cigar stand on the side of the road. And I walked up. I know exactly what I want and where it is. I go. I grab it. I walk over. I hand it. It scans it. It's the iPad. And it's got a tip option. I'm like, well, what would it do the tip for?
Yes, exactly.
You're just sitting there.
Yeah. And then people go like, well, these are hard times for people. The economy is out of control. You're like, but it's out of control for me, too.
Things are going well.
I don't know that.
He's got a Hawaiian shirt on and flip-flops.
Comedian.
Comedian. Yeah, plug some dates. I mean, you've got the town hall gig coming up. Where else are you going to be?
I've got Philly Helium, first weekend in October. Portland Helium, September 13th and 14th, 12th, 13th, 14th. Indianapolis, I haven't been there since the 80s. September 20th, 21st. And then I'll be at Skank Fest, of course. Never miss it. Philly, yeah. Philly actually will sell out, so make sure you get those tickets early. Royal Oak, Michigan, October 18th, 19th, 20. Great clubs. Love that one.
Oh, yeah, I love that place. And then Kansas City actually got moved to January. And San Diego, December, first time working that city in my whole life. What? You're going to love that one. American Comedy Co.
That's a great comedy town.
Yeah, town hall is a big one for sure.
Hell yeah. All right, folks, get some Bodega Cat.
Bodegacatwhiskey.com. Seller, it's crushing in New York right now. Sold out. Yeah, when does this come out?
It'll be back by then.
Oh, yeah, Niagara Falls, September 13th. That's a one-nighter casino that'll be fun. I'm hitting Europe, London.
belfast dublin paris added show in amsterdam added show so please uh help me sell those out copenhagen oslo looking fucking rough uh stockholm and then i'm back at uh hilarities in uh november i'm gonna add some more dates some more club dates to get to get cooking again uh punch up dot live slash joe list punch up dot live slash sam morel and punch up dot live slash mark norman mark where you gonna be
Hey, coming to St. Louis, Missouri, Atlanta, Georgia, Vancouver, Orlando, Florida, Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We added a show. Come out to that Newport, Rhode Island for that Rogue Island Comedy Festival, Monterey, Oakland, Winnipeg, Pegme, Cleveland. I'm also doing hilarities before Sam, so I'm sneaking in. He's getting sloppy seconds.
Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater. That's a fun one. Poughkeepsie, Torrington, Connecticut, wherever that is, and Charleston, Nashville, Nola, Wilkes-Barre, and Inglewood. So yeah, check it out. Get on the Punch-Up. Watch Sarah's special. Go to Town Hall. Check out Amazon. We all got stuff out there. Give it a go. Give it a look.
YouTube butthole money.
Yes.
It'll be out by the time this airs.
Hell yeah. Yeah, good Soundgarden song. Thanks, folks. Get a bottle. We'll see you in hell.
I want. I really went and told her
I don't like being sober You're looking good, I think we might be drunk now And just like we should, we drink to bring the funk out You're looking good, I think we might be drunk now