Bill Burr
Appearances
20/20
True Crime Vault: Golden State Killer
I am getting along with my wife better than I ever have. All you have to do is agree to something that you would never do. Farmer's market? Oh boy, would I? My buddy dies. I show up to the funeral. Open casket. You told me he was dead. I believed you.
20/20
Wild Crime: You've Got Your Monster | S4 Ep. 2
I am getting along with my wife better than I ever have. All you have to do is agree to something that you would never do. Farmer's market? Oh boy, would I? My buddy dies. I show up to the funeral. Open casket. You told me he was dead. I believed you.
20/20
Wild Crime: Because They're Mine | S4 Ep. 3
I am getting along with my wife better than I ever have. All you have to do is agree to something that you would never do.
20/20
Wild Crime: Because They're Mine | S4 Ep. 3
Farmer's market? Oh boy, would I? My buddy dies. I show up to the funeral. Open casket. You told me he was dead. I believed you.
20/20
Gilgo Beach Murders: A Serial Killer’s Secrets?
I am getting along with my wife better than I ever have. All you have to do is agree to something that you would never do.
20/20
'The King Road Killings': 911 Call Released
Hi there, 2020 listeners. This is Deborah Roberts, co-anchor of 2020. Here's Kena Whitworth with a bonus episode of The King Road Killings.
20/20
'The King Road Killings': 911 Call Released
I am getting along with my wife better than I ever have. All you have to do is agree to something that you would never do.
20/20
'The King Road Killings': 911 Call Released
Farmer's Market? Oh, boy, would I? My buddy dies. I show up to the funeral. Open casket. You told me he was dead. I believed you.
20/20
The Code Breakers
I am getting along with my wife better than I ever have. All you have to do is agree to something that you would never do.
20/20
The Code Breakers
Farmer's market? Oh, boy, would I? My buddy dies. I show up to the funeral. Open casket. You told me he was dead. I believed you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Oh, thank you. I kind of, you know, I was of that belief as most people that come from the East Coast that, you know, your your anger and shit is like your security blanket. And then and it's it's made you who you are. It's why you're funny. It's why you have character. It's all of this stuff. And if you for some reason let go of this and actually enjoy life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
or maybe take responsibility for your actions and see your, how your behavior affects other people. Uh, for some reason, that's going to be like the undoing of you. Like, uh, you know, there's a lot, I don't know about your, how you came up, but like in standup, there was a lot of stuff out there. Don't get married. Don't have kids basically don't find happiness.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
That is, um, the kryptonite to comedy. And I've, I've found that it's, it's, that's not true. And it's, Really, the opposite is once you kind of, you know, get yourself to a new place, you can kind of revisit a lot of shit that you talked about with like a new like sort of point of view of it. So, yeah, no, I'm listening.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
But believe me, I've only gone up like one flight of the Empire State Building. That is my messed up personality. So, you know, this is the the eternal question.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Doing the things you had to do to get a late night talk show. Come on, it's out there now. All right. It's better when you say it. Conan, say the name.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
being miserable being miserable and uh i thought it made me tough yeah i thought all of that stuff like you know uh you know and all the movies that you watch they just they they they made you believe in i remember i watched the dirty dozen i watched the dirty dozen and there's that scene where they have to shave in cold water and we ain't shaving and blah blah so i was sitting there thinking like oh tough guys shaving cold water and i shaved in cold water for like seven years
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
As like a fucking dental assistant and stand up comedian. And like it was like just something that I it was a subconscious thing that it was all of this stuff had happened to me. So you just always thought this. Yeah, I can't. You got to get tougher. You got to get tougher. You got to get tougher. So all of this stuff that's happening to me, I won't feel it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And what I was really doing was I was I was walling myself off. And it was so funny. And there was a lot of information out there about people like being walled off and all of that. And I would just watch them fascinated, like, how the fuck do you not know what you're feeling? Not even realizing that I was the exact same way. And yeah, no, it's mushrooms. Mushrooms turn me around.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Pots are depressing. Pot is like, I don't know. Weed isn't weed anymore. I mean, that shit was like, yeah, these people came over for fucking Thanksgiving, right? Why can't it just be Thanksgiving? Because you know something? It's how I grew up talking. Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I don't mean it in a bad way. I went to my fucking kid's christening. Yeah, I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
So I had some friends over for what is arguably, I feel, the best holiday. Uh-huh. See, this is what I really feel. But I said fucking Thanksgiving. But I really love Thanksgiving. Uh-huh. Because, yeah, it's a nice hang and you don't have to buy anything. No. I can't stop looking at that camera.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Who doesn't like some fucking giblets and gravy? Yeah. As he sips his dainty little coffee. Ice coffee. I had to get rid of the straw. I'm not evolved enough as a man that I can drink out of a straw and still feel all right about myself. I just think of it as an aluminum dick. Just doing my part to show that I'm an ally.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Oh, come on. This episode is called Conan Swallows. Anyway, what was I talking about? So I had some people over for Thanksgiving. This guy, he has a joint, right? So I'll take a couple of hits, whatever. I go, what is this? And he told me, he goes, it's a nice afternoon sativa, right? So then that's like the wind was just blowing through my non-existent hair. So I go, all right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
So I took three of the hits off of that thing and I just wasn't at Thanksgiving anymore. I mean, I was like there. I was like, my wife just, people kept talking to me. My wife just kept going, he's useless. He's useless. You got to wait a couple hours.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
it's so powerful yeah no I'm not it's too late for me that's why I ended up texting you some of the jokes a few days later that thing where we were doing the thing me and this other guy were high out of our minds and like nobody in this industry has been buying anything since the strike but they're taking meetings wasting your time so we were like we should waste their time back we were just pitching sequels to perfect movies that didn't need a sequel and my favorite was two flew over the cuckoo's nest this time he's keeping the sink
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And it's all about the Indian guy. After he throws it, he picks the sink up and he's running with it. And Tommy Lee Jones is chasing him. It just basically becomes the fugitive. You merge fugitive. Yeah. And my favorite part was he's standing near the waterfall. And he's like, this sink means a lot to me. And Tommy Lee Jones is like, I don't care. I don't care.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
So I opened that up to my podcast listeners to regular people are so fucking funny now because they're pitching jokes. And so now they're funny. Somebody had the best one wrote a sequel to Schindler's List. It was called Schindler's Wrist. It's about the carpal tunnel Schindler got writing the list. And the therapy. It's just this? And the therapy. And the therapy that happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And the movie just ends with him being like, yeah, it feels pretty good. Just totally anticlimactic. How you feeling, Schindler?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
My wife, I don't know. I just don't know if I'm ever going to get over that hump. First of all, I love your wife. Listen, enough about you and your private desires.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I got to tell you, the second- Hold on a second. The second the tie comes off, I'm telling you, man, he becomes a different guy. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
blow out the lines a little bit yeah yeah exactly let him go but uh yeah but yeah nia's amazing yeah she is you know i just when you're fucked up like me i i do need i the one big thing in our thing is i i had to let her know i go i need an attaboy every once in a while okay you can't just every fucking day be reading me the riot act i mean i know i'm a fucked up guy and i know that i'm difficult to live with but every once in a while you know i did make waffles this morning you know i don't remember that being brought up
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
No one says attaboy anymore, by the way. Is that just expected? Yeah, attaboy. No one says attaboy?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
It becomes real passive. Look at big boy over here. It becomes real passive aggressive. There you go. There you go. Look at you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Must be nice. I got that one. I got that one from somebody who's completely fucked up their life. He goes, oh, yeah, you know, you're out there in L.A. doing things. Christmas is coming up. You got money for gifts. Must be nice. Must be nice. And I'm just like, oh, yeah, it is. Life is pretty good when you're not doing drugs. Getting fired every two weeks.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
That was it. Must be nice. That was it. Must be nice. You got some sneakers you can put on your feet. Oh, that was, that was, it was building towards that, you know. I mean, yeah, yeah. It's just. It just was one of those things. And I always told him, I said, listen, dude, if you're in a hole, if you're reaching up, I'll try to pull you out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
But if you're face down in it, digging it deeper every day, I'm not fucking, I'm not getting involved in that. And he just couldn't get his head around that. And then he'd go, I don't know. The last time I talked to him, he goes, I've been working out. I've been working out. I go, oh, that's great. I thought he was turning his life around. He lost a fight to his son. Wait, that was his workout?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
He came at his son and lost? No. He was working out because he lost a fight to his son. So he's like, oh, man, I got to lay off this shit. It's just fucking. No, but that's one of the things, too.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Right, and people always say like, why are so many people from Massachusetts funny? And I always go like, because that is the kind of person you run into all the time. And he said that without a bit of funny, it wasn't supposed to be weird or anything. He was just straight up talking to me going like, yeah, man, he's strong now. I mean, he actually like knocked me down and stuff.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
So, you know, I've been doing the curls and it's just like, do you ever think it just like maybe going out to like have a cup of coffee and figure out what's going on with you guys? Yeah. Like, I don't think you want, you really want to, you don't want to fight your son. I don't think he wants to fight you. No, dude, no, I know, I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
But still, you know, just like, you know, it's one of those, I don't know. I go back to, and another thing too, I always remember when you were in Massachusetts is people would always, oh, you know that guy? Oh, dude, that guy's a character. And everybody is like this, like it's like they're very like uninhibited and they get into like these habits and these things that they do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And they don't realize like how colorful they are. And it's not until you travel and you go back and you just come back to Massachusetts. You go to like, I don't know what it's like now because like sports is like so, I don't know. I can't stand the direction that it went into.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
But when I used to go to like tailgates at the fucking Pats game, you know, when you were like drinking on Route 1, we used to park in this guy's backyard. And then you walk down train tracks, active fucking train tracks, people walking, holding hands with kids. And then you would go up the, under Route 1, up the thing and then walk in. And just the shit that you saw.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
The stuff that people said, it was a comedy show from all the way, like people trying to be funny, people not being, just being who they were. You get to your section before the giant, you know, fucking screens took over. Yeah. There was a class clown in every fucking section. Yeah. And I used to try to be that guy. And sometimes I was.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And then there was sometimes there'd be a guy funnier than me. And then I would just be entertained by him. And that happened at Red Sox games, Bruins games, big time Celtics, all of those things. And I think like these TV screens and all of this shit that they have now, it's just like crowd control.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Like the second there's a stoppage of play, that's like, you know, they got these dumb races and your section has to root for it to like win a T-shirt and shit. It's... It's dumb.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
The Reds are giving us a shellacking. And then the beginning of his comedy career. Hey, you guys were supposed to pull me up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
people and that was more we went to watch that more than we could watch the game well the art of bouncing back then it was nobody knew how to de-escalate a situation it was all just ramping it up yes i still remember i was doing this gig at nick's comedy stop and downstairs was a nightclub and i still remember the night these guys they kicked this dude out and i don't know if this guy ever walked again they basically it was a dance floor you know you're in there it's super fucking loud you know belbiv devoe era like that shit was playing you know
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
or something and then you just heard this commotion and I looked over and I think it was two bouncers and they had just grabbed this guy picked him up and started running full speed with them and there's like innocent people there and the crowd just parted like that and they had him like nine feet in the air and the door jam is like eight And they were both running like a 440 with this guy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Like from the middle of his back to the back of his head, just slammed into this metal thing. And he folded it like a chair. Just threw him out onto Warrington Street. I remember everyone like, oh!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Ha ha ha ha! No, but now, like, there was, like, no cameras. Yeah, yeah. So it's just like, if you ever did that today, forget about there being cameras, the owner of the club would be like, dude, I'm going to have a lawsuit every fucking weekend. You guys are fired. So they just threw that, everybody was like, oh, and everybody just went, oh!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And then the music's still playing, and, like, it was the funniest thing ever as far as, like, it took a good minute for relaxed dancing to happen again.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
No, it was definitely like the tone in that set. And they must have done that more than once because they were working together. They just grabbed the guy. I knew a guy that was a bouncer. He said, sometimes we would just walk up to somebody just to start a fight. And we'd just walk up to him and be like, hey, man, you got to get out of here. And they didn't do anything.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And they would just do it hoping that they would, because they, you know, a lot of guys were on juice back then. And it was, you know, it wasn't the cream that they have now that also has like a suntan lotion or whatever. a sunscreen in it, whatever these guys have now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
It was the horse tranquilizer shit. So they like wanted to get into fights. And I somehow, I avoided all of that. I avoided all of that shit. Like past a certain age, I just stopped. I was like, these guys have like people getting their fucking ears bit off and stuff. You know, I knew this guy, like, you know, he's like his party trick. He would eat a light bulb. Oh yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Gums bleeding, smiling at you. It's just like, yeah, these guys, these guys. It was a better time. These guys are on another level. I'm just going to stick to the comedy. And yeah, there was some really interesting... There was a lot of characters back then.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Well, I did what I did in Seattle because of collectively the way they think. But like if I did it in Utah, I would have did it a different way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
It would have been the same thing to kind of like, you know, like mess with them a little bit. But you like the pushback. You enjoy it. Yeah, because the thing I can't...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Well, the reason why I love the city and then that theater for me is a funny place because everyone talks about like Nirvana, that they were the ones that knocked off the metal bands off the top 10 on MTV. And it was really, I felt when Pearl Jam put out that video and Eddie Vedder climbed up at the Moore Theater and dropped down into the crowd and it was like,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Okay, so that Nirvana thing wasn't a fluke. There's more of these bands. And it was like the first time that I felt like old. You know, I was about 23. There was no more exciting birthdays. You know, 16, you get your license. 18, you're an adult. 21, you can drink. 22, you graduate college. This was the first kind of like... Oh, now I just go. All right. Bye. Good luck with your life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Wait, Pearl Jam? Yeah. What was your beef with Pearl Jam? They knocked Warrant off. It was so stupid. Because you liked Warrant? It wasn't that. It wasn't what they represented was I wasn't young anymore. It was the end. I see. Listen, even I knew when all of those W bands were coming in that this is like the end of this shit. W bands. But there was also still some, like, I'll tell you this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
What's their face? Oh, my God. I'm flicking on the name here. When they did Monkey Business, Sebastian Bach. Oh, Skid Row.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Dude, them live on SNL. doing monkey business or whatever. I'll put that up against anybody. Sebastian Bach and the whole band sounded fucking unreal. But the whole industry at that point was already moving on to grunge, and it's a killer album. So there was still, you know, any genre, there's going to be, like, awful versions of that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
But, like, that was just my first experience of, like, oh, wow, this is, like, over, you know? So that's kind of why I picked that theater to do it, because it was funny to me, like, to come back to this place that reminded me, you know, drop dead years is, whole mortality thing that I was thinking.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Yeah, and anything after that, you're just looking at a prolonged illness.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
These are the years I'm in. So I've got to make sure I go to the hot doctor and I got to make sure I watch what I eat, dude. And then, you know, then you can make it to that to that next level where, you know, you're that old guy at the golf club talking about how they just took your gallbladder out and, you know, just talking about what ails you. I can never be that guy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I've tried so many times to get into golf. I just cannot fucking do it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Like, he's talking about, anybody goes, you know, first four holes were good. And then all of a sudden, I couldn't have my fucking driver. And then it's like, why would you keep doing this? And it takes forever. And it's mind-numbingly, like, boring. It's just, I like watching pros do it. I like that my friends enjoy doing it. But I would rather go do shit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I'd rather go play drums, ride a motorcycle, fly a helicopter. Like, why wouldn't you do that as opposed to fucking say, 112 yards? What do you think? What are you going? You going seven, eight iron? And they got their fucking sniper scope. It's so fucking... It's so dumb. It's so dumb. It's like, all you guys need to go home and either get divorced or work on your marriage.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Because there is nothing... Nothing is happening here. This is... It's like a library. Like, you got... It's like the whole... It's so quiet. All of this shit. It's just bad. It's just bad. And everybody with the wacky. You wear really wacky clothes like you're in a Three Stooges sketch. Or you dress like you're Tiger Woods adjacent or whatever. Oh, he's a scratch golfer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
That guy's a scratch golfer. How is he? That's amazing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Eduardo just said he does. I golf all the time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
No, no, listen, if that's what gets you going, that's cool. I just... I tried. No offense. No, because I'm joking. It does look like a great hang. It does look like a great hang.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
It should be nine holes. And I would argue maybe seven. Seven holes. Is there a golf slider thing that I could do? Like three holes?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
No, there's one off the five that's a par three. There's one down in Torrance that's an 18-hole par three. It's like, that's what I, yeah. I'm going in with three clubs, 48 balls, and I'm not looking for any of them. I don't give a shit. And I count every fucking stroke. Like, if I go to tee off and I miss, oh, that's a breakfast ball. No, it isn't. It isn't. Right. It isn't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I was trying to hit the ball and I missed. That fucking counts. Setting the tone. These are going to be honest scores today. Nobody looks at you. They all look down at their silly pants.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
A lot of contractors, real estate agents, lawyers. You're just running a lot of people. You're a happy man now. That's what I like. I know your anger fuels you. Dude, I went on a motorcycle ride the other day that was fucking life-changing. It was fun. Where'd you go? I went up the canyons in... I think La Cañada or something like up that way. And it was my buddy's bike and it was a big bike.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And I was, you know, those big Harleys with the fucking fairing. So it's like scary, you know, it's like you're on a Clydesdale. And on the way up, I was kind of scary. But on the way back, I kind of got the feel for it. And I kind of, you know, did my version of tearing through the canyon. And I was like, I was euphoric for like two days doing that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And that's like just something golf has never done for me. Like I remember a couple of times I've hit good shots and people are going, that's the shot that's going to make you come back. It's like, no. Do you have nighttime golfing? I would do that. Like those, you know, like those driving range things. Those. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
With the big net. That looks like fun. You know, there's chicks there. The people are drinking and stuff. Yeah. Top golf. That looks like like if I was young, this is like a nightclub with golf. That looks fun. But like to actually just become a member, have to vote on things like you join this sports HOA.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Yeah, I understand that. Because I know that I am like, I mean, the joke I do, you know, I lose my cell phone like, Like, I'll walk into a room to get something that I forgot, and then I will leave. And in the process of getting that, I'll have left whatever was in my hand. Yeah. And my passport. I'll get to the airport. Fuck, and I got to go back. Like, I am too whatever it is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
However, my brain is like, you have to be on it to own a fucking gun, especially if you have kids in the house. And, like, you know, I'm, you know, kind of got to know everything. gotta know where your skill set is, you know? So like, I learned a lot of shit like, uh, in like aviation where of, of not is flying within your ability. You know what I mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
So you're always looking at the weather and stuff like that. And I just always look at that stuff. You keep the odds in your favor and, uh, you don't just do something when you're up there because what you're flying can do it. It's like, do you have the ability to do it? Is it safe to do it here or whatever? And, uh, you know, just doing stuff like that. Like I just look at like, um,
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Bill Burr Returns Again
No, I like, I go into gun stores all the time. I like the old school, like revolvers, all like those cop shows that I watch. I'm like, oh, that's the Clint Eastwood right there. That's Beretta had that or whatever, you know? And I like the old school, like rifles and stuff, but I'm not into like the, I don't know, like the semi-automatics.
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Bill Burr Returns Again
What's the one that everybody wants to get? The AK, what is it? The AR-15. AR-15, yeah. To me, that's like the electric car of the fucking gun world, you know? But like, if you just have a revolver, that's like driving a stick, you know what I mean? You gotta be good at it. That shit's kind of like, you know, you're just watching your misses until you hit the fucking person. What?
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Bill Burr Returns Again
It's a gunfight meets t-ball. Yeah. So, no, but that's also like another thing, too, is what I'm trying to do now, like when I'm going out there is I'm trying to more like bring people together, which is a really hard thing to do because everything gets politicized like fires, viruses. I did I did Kimmel the other night.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I deliberately was a a political compliment to the fire department, Department of Water. And somebody takes a clip and said that I, you know, Bill sides with Gavin Newsom. It's like I couldn't pick that guy out of a fucking lineup. I've seen him after games when they cut to KTLA and they show him for a second. Salt and pepper hair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Yeah. I have a vague understanding of who that guy is, but like I didn't know what party he was in. I don't watch any of that shit. I don't watch anything. You don't watch news.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
you're not a news junkie there is no news yeah there is no news it's just all people's fucking opinions and then politicians are grossly underpaid so they let you vote so you get to choose who goes oh my guy won or my guy lost or whatever and then they go in there and then the rest of the time you don't get to like vote on what they're voting they vote on it and the the people that own them
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Bill Burr Returns Again
You know, they're working for them. And all of those guys, like, you know, they're all worth like 40, 60, 80, 100 million dollars making like six figures a year. How do you do that legally? How do you, Conan?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I know you don't. And everybody, but the geniuses, they got everybody like they divide, divide, divide every fucking time. CNN does it. Fox News does it. And I find these people who watch that shit. It's it's like people who come out of prison who are institutionalized, you know, and they can't fucking live unless they're inside.
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Bill Burr Returns Again
You watch that 24 hour news enough, you know, and you follow, you know, you start thinking paranoid thoughts and you follow those paranoid thoughts onto the Internet. There's going to be a Web site that agrees with whatever fucked up thought you have. Yeah. And then validate. So then you just go like create like my last time I did. I did Kimmel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Somebody wrote to me and was like dead certain that Jimmy Kimmel was a CIA operative.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
What did you do to get kicked out that the CIA disowned you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I was into conspiracy theory, but then like once you're actually in the thing that people are conspiring about and you realize how ridiculous their theories are because you actually have a little bit of information, it's like, oh my God, like that's me. That's how I was. I used to think all of this shit and I was putting things together and I forgot that I didn't know any of these people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
about everything and it's it's it's uh that's the thing i've been i was guilty of that like early or i like to think earlier in my career i was doing i was doing this and then you know now i'm trying to do more of that so i always try to like uh always just let people know that i don't watch the news and i don't read and this is just what i feel it comes across that you don't have to do it's very clear okay good no that's good because i don't want
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I don't want the responsibility of that. Can you read? Are you able to read? I mean... You're acting like it sounded like it was a decision that you made. No, it depends on like, you know, when I was really fucked up, like really fucked up and didn't know I was fucked up, it would take me 20 minutes to read one page. Wow. Because every word or sentence would remind me of something.
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Bill Burr Returns Again
Like my brain was like on spin cycle and it took a long time to understand that. I just thought I was dumb because that's what they said when you were young. It wasn't like all of these diagnoses. You were just an idiot. Yeah. So that's what I thought. I said, oh, this is taking so long because I'm dumb. And then after I said, oh, no, I think I might be a little traumatized.
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Bill Burr Returns Again
I don't know what the fuck it is. But I also knew enough not to take any drugs because of it. It's like, oh, you know, I can kind of like try to figure this out and get myself. Yeah. It's like all these idiots taking Ozempic. It's like, do you really think after all that cake you ate that all you have to do is shoot this thing into your fucking leg and then you're going to be skinny? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Okay, not to do a pun here, but you can't have your cake and eat it. There's going to be an unbelievable disease on the other side of that. You don't just get to melt the pounds away. There you go. That was weird. And then I just did this. Somebody was trying to claim...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
that these sugar companies are now breaking down what's in Ozempic and they're putting a chemical in their candy that's going to override the Ozempic. And it's just like, so my body is basically a battlefield. Like I'm not even a person at this point. Well, that's my thing. Why I don't watch the news of politics because nobody's talking about, nobody's talking about that shit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Hello, my name's Bill Burr. And I feel good about being Conan O'Brien's friend, but I feel this is a little red flag that might be a little narcissist that I got to fucking say why I'm his friend every time. I feel like I've already answered this question.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Or you watch like a fucking baseball game and everybody's holding up a sign of somebody they know that beat or died of cancer and nobody's saying why or asking why to all that. They never did that. People used to smoke at the fucking game. And you knew less people that died of cancer. Like I want people to start holding up signs like, you know, thank you. Roundup.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And you watch how quickly MLB will cut away from that because they make they're in business with those guys. Yeah. Oh, here I go. Now I'm going on the Internet. That's OK.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Now, I just wish that regular people, which is most of us, would just stop yelling at each other. Stop letting these fucking idiots get you stirred up. Stop arguing with bots. Like, no matter what the fuck is on there, like, you know, like the L.A. fires or something. All you got to do is, because of Biden, because of Trump, Kamala. That's all you got to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And then all of these fucking people just jump on the hook. And it's a fire. It used to be something you didn't argue about. There's a bad fire. I know. Just watch Chinatown and just realize that this place shouldn't be here. Right. We've all known this. It's a desert. We ship water in. I can't believe I live in a desert and there's no water in the hydrants. This summon you ice bath.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
People, your lawn is all green. This did like we were living like idiots out here. We know that we were living on like like this. We're living on the moon. And it looks like we're living in New Hampshire. Like that's that's eventually that that's going to come around. You know, and every year we have a drought and they tell you not to take as long a shower and blah, blah, blah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And we all fucking blow it up where I think we're all responsible for that. I don't think you just blame it on like a political party. And yeah. I don't have a solution for that, but I don't think the solution is to sit there and blame people and try to, you know, happen during your watch, Conan. This is on you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Francis damn disaster is on you. By the way, they found out years later that they built that dam into a prehistoric mudslide and they didn't have the technology. And that guy carried the guilt of that when the St. Francis Dam collapsed out here and like a 30-foot wall of water went to the valley. They found people's bodies down in like fucking Mexico. And this guy carried that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Again, he can't get through this without laughing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
That is so Boston. They found bodies in Mexico. I mean, I just can't imagine. You're in your log cabin or whatever. Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care. This fucking wall of water. And then if there is a God, you wake up talking to him, still holding your bench, like spitting out fish. What the fuck happened?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Oh, this is even better. It gets even better. After the dam collapses, some fucking asshole wanted to climb up it to do like the original selfie or whatever. He climbed up on top and he fell off and died. Oh, man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
You like Winston Churchill and Theodore Roosevelt. I've been to his house. He has the library of a 90-year-old house. When he was missing, he should have greeted me with a pipe.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
You know what I should have in my house? He was totally intimidating. He was going, I've read all of these. I did not. And he goes, and all this information is in here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Oh, come on. I get it, Conan. You've read about the Third Reich. Jesus Christ. Dennis Miller would have been like, take it easy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I would love to see the two of you guys do big brains going back and forth.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
You know, I went to Prague and I went to that church where those guys hold up who shot that SS guy. Yeah, yeah. And they stayed there for like fucking, I don't know how many days just fighting these guys off. They tried to flood it and drown. They still got the bullet holes in there. Yeah. So it's unreal. Like World War II is just like this thing because it wasn't here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
When you go over there, it's just they still got the like if you go into like Berlin. Sure. Yeah. And what the few structures that are left, you're like, oh, yeah, this really fucking happened. You know, you go you go to like countries that they bombed. And they just have the ugliest buildings because after the war, they were just leveled and their economy was done.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
So they just had to like, just build these things really quickly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
There's, in, what are they called now? Chechnya, whatever they're calling it now. There's a town where they, I haven't gone, I would never, it's just too sad to go to, but like when they killed that SS guy, for some reason they, I don't know, I forget the story. They assassinated him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
So they found out whatever town some of those guys they thought they were from and they fucking killed everybody in that town. So they have like this, you know, these silhouettes of like, you know, men, women, children. It's just fucking, it's fucking brutal. It's brutal. And then what's funny is when you go. What's funny? This is unbelievable. Go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I'll tell you what's funny is you go to Stockholm, Sweden. Okay. And it looks like you're in the Keebler else like home city. Yeah. And you're like, well, why did this one survive? And you found out they remained neutral. Yeah. Yeah. So they, they let the Nazis, they look the other way as they use their trains to go into Norway. And then that whole fucking thing was a while.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Cause I went over there and they were talking about how, you know, Norway had fought for, uh, to get the bottom third of their country liberated from Sweden. Mm-hmm. And they had just gotten it back. And then during World War II, I don't know if this was some petty shit, they let the Nazis go in there and fuck them all up. So then Norway's economy was flattened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And Sweden, just because they were still standing, became this economic power. So Norway was so desperate, they tried to sell the bottom of the third of their country back again. And Sweden was like, yeah, no, we don't want it. Jesus. And then they found oil there. And then the Swedes go, now we go over there and do jobs that they don't want to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
But everybody has like a sense of humor about it now because no one was alive when all of that shit happened. You know what I mean? Right. But it was, yeah, it's pretty fucking, it's pretty wild.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
One of my favorite Norm jokes of all time. What? He was on Letterman. He was talking about Hitler. And he goes, he was like, you know, he goes, the more I read about this guy, the less I like him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Yeah, I'm very, very proud of it. And I'm looking forward to I guess when this thing airs, when this airs, I'll be I'll be doing Glengarry Glen Ross on Broadway at the Palace. That's fantastic. I'd like to come if I'm allowed to invite a ginger. I might have to have Odenkirk invite you. I mean, that's we'll find a loophole.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Oh, I didn't know which way that was going. The day I met you, I was like, why did we book this guy? The way your brain works, I'm constantly saving your stories. It's exhausting. You're exhausting, Bill. Well, right back at you, man. I always love coming on whatever you're doing and hanging out or whatever it is. It's effortless, man. You're one of the funniest guys I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And you know that's sincere because I couldn't look at you when I did it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
All right, Bill Burr, go in peace to love and serve the Lord or whatever. That's it. All right. Well, thank you guys so much for having me. And yeah, I don't know how to wrap this up. This is your job.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I could go back to way old shows that I did. Say, we got so-and-so next. Yeah, come on in.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
We're sort of the spice in the stew. That's what the gingers are. We can't be next to each other. Like we're only allowed L.A. L.A. County only allows us to hang out once a year and have a dinner.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Why do you got to put your anger on me? I had nothing to do with you and whatever happened to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I know you're younger than me, but I remember- Well, you were older than me and you were always taller. So, I mean, if anything happened, it was you. You threw the ice ball at me or socked me down at Fitzy. Something happened. stole the stereo out of my fucking shitbox car? What do radio thieves do now? I don't know. I don't know what they do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
You're going to take the whole dashboard out and just walk around with this odd-shaped iPad? Has anybody got a 2023 Mercedes?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
Back in the day, you could steal a stereo and fit in everybody's fucking car. Another job lost to AI.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I don't understand how someone doesn't... Was it that six-foot-four ginger? Or was... I mean, how many of you were out there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
I went to high school with... I had a really cool grade. Like, everybody... Like, it was funny. It was sort of like...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
everybody by that by my senior year everybody was sort of collectively partying with each other so there wasn't like you know you had the cliques the jocks you had the the people that took wood shop the uh you know the burnouts or whatever and then just the background people like me and then by the end of it we all used to go down this place dan road which was uh this industrial park that was slowly being built taking over the woods or anything but they had like all of these uh dirt roads back there and these burnt up cars for insurance and we used to drive down there
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
and drinking every weekend at the party just kept getting bigger and bigger. And everybody was sort of high and drunk and just kind of got along with each other. So I've only been to one high school reunion. I went to my 25th and I had a great time, but, but because I do stand up, like I go around and I, I run in a lot of people come out to my shows.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
So I, I kind of have like this never ending sort of high school reunion, which is cool. When they hit me up or whatever, I always, you know, end up talking to them backstage and shit. And I get freaked out about how old their kids are versus mine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
And I'm looking forward to that story just sort of disappearing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Bill Burr Returns Again
You know I root against you. You couldn't even open your eyes. All right, I'm admitting he said something that was mildly amusing.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It doesn't surprise me on this station talking to a white woman that I would lose you.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
But then what did it become? What did it morph into? What did it quickly morph into? It then morphed into I don't like the topic of what you're discussing in your stand up act.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I'm saying what it became, it started off like, all right, this Harvey Weinstein guy is raping people. We got to get people like this out of the business. There was nobody who was against that unless you were an actual.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I'm not arguing that aspect of it. I'm not arguing that aspect of it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Wait, wait, no, no, no, no, no. Let's talk about that. We're not going to move on. Me Too started with that. And then it started this cancel cultural thing with initially they were getting these people that were sexually assaulting women. And because of their position of power, were not being held accountable. They finally got held accountable.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Everyone who was a decent human being was on board with that. And then suddenly within a year, it became if you were at a comedy club and somebody filmed you and took one little piece of excerpt from your act, all of a sudden you were thrown in with Harvey Weinstein and you were kicked. You were you were like put on the bench, basically, and you were not allowed to work in the friggin business.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I would not get pulled over unless I went into the HOV lane, right? And then I wouldn't get pulled over because I joined a terrorist organization. I would get pulled over because I didn't have another terrorist with me. That's what the problem would be. And the cop will be coming up like, well, well, well, aren't we in a hurry to get to the cross burning this evening, huh?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I don't know what I see a lot of. I would at least say with like the character that I'm playing, David Moss, is I see that this guy is in pain. He's hurt. And which is a funny which is just inherently funny. Because he's going out there and he's selling what he's selling is B.S., And he's taken gullible people's money.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Yeah, no. No. And then it's like they're lying to people. And then he turns around and has the nerve to be hurt about his situation. And be upset about... that the company has no loyalty towards him for all the work that he's done, all the money that he's brought in, that there's no goodwill for all the bad things that he's been doing for the company. I feel like it's such a human thing where...
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Like, take what I just said when we were doing the whole Me Too thing. That's not how I wanted it to come out, but that's the way it comes out because I'm a flawed human being.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
No, no, no. I believed everything I said, but I would like to have said it in a more rational tone.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
But I didn't. I didn't because that was built up over, you know... six, seven years of people just arguing with me about it, right? So I'm not stepping back from anything I said in there. I believe all of that stuff. It's just like, I could have said it in a little more eloquent way, but that's just not how I'm wired, right? So I relate to this guy.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
In that there's so many times where I hear myself say something and in the back of my head, there's this voice going like, well, you do X, Y and Z. Or what about the time you did this? Or you're doing this. So how do you get off? It's the hypocritical nature.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
But I'm saying that selfishly. I'm not saying that to have empathy for the other person. I'm saying that so I won't flip out and I won't lose my mind and then I won't upset the people in the car with me, meaning my family. So I don't know. I'm basically, I am a mess of a human being still this far into life. And I don't see it like...
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
ever fully... I don't know if you ever can undo things that were done to you. Well, that's a really good question. I know. They make you believe it on TV with these therapy shows, you know, like the Dr. Phil's. He's like, you need to stop doing heroin. And then you just go to commercial. Oh, there you go. That fixes all of that. So... No, I feel my whole life is going to be like this.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Who the hell do you think you are, buddy? I'll tell you right now, you better have a black guy in the trunk or you, sir, are in a lot of trouble. Get your license up.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It's going to be me trying to not be who I am. Me trying to say something, not saying it the right way. Me then feeling that I was misunderstood and then looking back years later and being like, ah, they were kind of right. Like that is my existence. Day to day. Week to week. Month to month. It's just what it is. But it makes for good comedy.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
All of that. I sort of got into acting after stand-up. Stand-up kind of led to acting. And then I met a few people, comedians, that got breaks because of how funny they were. But they never took an acting class. So then when they got their break to be in something... They weren't prepared. And then, you know, when you're back in the day, you know, you couldn't really reinvent yourself.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
When you got put on the bench, you were there for like five years and it could be a crucial five years. And then that could have been it. And it wasn't like you could have a social media platform and just sort of keep moving on or whatever the kids are doing these days. But yeah, I just sort of got into acting and I liked it, but I never liked it as much as standup.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And then somewhere along the line, I started to love it as much as doing stand-up. And I think the first time I felt that was, I mean, I always saw movies and I liked movies and everything, but I saw True West with John C. Reilly and Philip Seymour Hoffman in like 99, 2000, somewhere. It was a Sam Shepard play. Yeah, and... All of a sudden, Broadway wasn't cats anymore.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
You hadn't gone bald yet. It was almost like you were 20 years younger. Yeah. You had a fresh face. Yeah, that one was recorded about 20 years ago. You had no dad bod. You were a single man dealing with the altitude.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Oh, you know what it is? That's what I was battling, and that's why I couldn't get any good roles. The greatest thing that ever happened to me is I went bald for my acting career because then I shaved my head and I look like this psycho idiot that I am. But back in the day when I actually... And hair, you know, Hollywood, you know, they talk about just, you know, racism and sex.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It goes beyond that. Like they they even like they even divide up redheads. There was like rules about redheads. I was in the redhead drawer. OK, I was in the Opie Ron Howard. Howdy doody drawer. And like I didn't get the gun. I didn't win the fight. I didn't get the girl. I didn't have it. I was a I was a mugging victim. I was just there for the cool guy.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And I was saying, I used to do a joke in my act, like, I'm not the hero of the action movie. Like, I was the nerd in the van when Tom Cruise is going, you got to give me more time. And I would be in front of the keyboard. All right, I'll try. Click, click, click, click, click.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I was doing. I was still that guy. I just was telling a different kind of story. I wasn't doing stand-up. I was telling a story.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
But that's the thing that I was talking about. It's like people watch your stand-up back and they go, oh, that's how he is. That's how he is. Now, if I do something like this, you know, you saw me get heated when I was talking about the whole Me Too thing. You hear that quieter times. You hear silly, you know, self-deprecating, yelling or whatever. I am a big frigging mess.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I am all of those things. But... If people watch an hour of your standup and if it's limited the way my standup act was, I was only showing one side of me. The anger, the hurt and everything of all this crazy stuff that happened to me as a kid that I've come to the point that I'll never get over it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And especially when you have kids, your own kids, and then you think about the stuff that happened to you. And how vulnerable kids are and all of this stuff. And like, how could you like do stuff like I just beyond me. And then when you fail as a parent and you do mess up how much you beat yourself up and everything, it's a it's a, you know, it's, you know, somebody said a lot.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Oh, Jesus. People are driving to work here. Let's try to give them something uplifting.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And I'll tell you this. He was a normal guy. He was normal, like all the dads. In my neighborhood, when I grew up, the dads were frigging terrifying. Terrifying. They were just, you know, buzz cut lunatics. It just was, you know, this is when I was really young, early 70s. They were just like, you know, it was a different time. So I don't want to just single out my dad, right?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
He's just the dude I had to deal with. But like, you know, a lot of my buddies I was growing up with came from divorce. So they romanticized my household. Just for the simple fact... That my parents were still together. So what's funny to me, my favorite moment in my new special is I say, you know, me and my wife, we've been married, whatever, 10, 11 years.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And the crowd spontaneously, you know, gives a round of applause. And I just I go, hey, hey, I go, you're not in it. You know, for all you know, I got a chain to a radiator.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Yeah. So that's the thing. Because I'll tell you, like there was like back in the day, like, you know, divorce was just starting to become normal. So I sort of grew up towards the tail end of that. You know, you dance with who you brung and you stick with you by your guy. There was a lot of women that it's like, is this a marriage or is this like a hostage situation? Yeah.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I remember one time I was playing like Hot Wheels or something like that over a buddy of mine's house. He was like my best friend. And we were playing and his dad came home from work. And didn't know I was there. And he started in on his wife and started, you know, and I knew where it was going because that was the kind of house I grew up in. And I saw the look of panic on his face.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It's kind of a weird thing to be over 50, really starting to realize how f***ed you are.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And I knew that shame and I knew that embarrassment. And I just said, oh, you know what? This is how young we were because he actually believed this. I just went, oh, you know, I just remembered I got to go home and go do something. And he was like, oh, OK, OK. And I went out the side door. And I was cutting through the woods. And I remember I laughed the whole way home.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And I couldn't wait to tell my siblings about it. And they were all like blown away, like I had been to the moon and came back. And I go, no, his dad is just like our dad. They were like, really? I go, yeah, he was screaming and yelling and calling the names. How we dealt with it, all my siblings was humor. And my younger brother had a boombox with dual cassette tape.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And one time he taped my dad laying in, you know, screaming at my mother. And then he put music underneath it. He like scored it. And he had Led Zeppelin no quarter underneath it. And it was, I'll be honest with you, it was one of the most brilliant pieces of comedy to this day. I ever listened to or ever heard.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Like, I thought I did stand-up because I loved comedy. And then what I really figured out was like, no, that's not why I did it. I did stand up because that was the easiest way to walk into a room full of a bunch of people that I didn't know and make everybody like me.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I mean, what he was really saying was, you know, if you love this woman, why would you treat her this way? Why would you say these things? Why would you do this in front of your kids and show like this is the way a man acts with the mother of his kids?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Oh, my God. OK. Oh, my God. Yeah. Like, yes. Yes. But this is the thing is I'm older now and I understand that he didn't understand what he was doing, what it was doing to me because he dialed down what was done to him. So the same way I didn't think I was an angry person because I wasn't as angry as him.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
it took meeting somebody like my wife to be like, you're really messed up and your behavior is hurting me. And it's making me feel bad and all of that type of stuff. So, you know, I almost lost my wife when we were dating because of it. And I loved her. And it was like, what am I going to do? Am I going to choose love and work on myself? Or am I going to lose this person?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
So, you know, that has been... Me working on my anger is like a government project. Like, it's over budget. When is it ever going to get done? But... So I would say the big thing that when I was a kid was I felt this powerlessness and I just felt like I was on my own and I felt like no one, I felt like I wasn't being heard.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Nobody ever gets hurt or suffers, Susan, okay? It's always some salesman, and I'm not answering it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I sweated blood at that airport for 12 hours today, and what's important to me is I have just one moment of peace with my family enjoying a delicious home-cooked meal. Is that too much to ask? I'm not answering it. Murphy residence. Oh, let me tell you something, you . I don't need a ingrained family Bible. You see? You see what I say every time? I am eating dinner with my family, young man.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I don't need a $25 Bible to teach me about God. I almost bled out in Korea, all right? I have met God. What did you just say to me? Oh, you come down here and you say that to me like a man. I swear to God, I'll pull your tongue out through your neck. Why do they have to put the dicks on the wall?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
The way I've moved through the world has always been like, where's the place I have the least chance of being heard?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I wrote it with a bunch of people. There was 10 writers on the show. Mike Price was the showrunner, the captain of the ship. So Frank Murphy was, it was sort of an amalgam of everybody's like dad or whatever in that period. And I would say in a lot of ways that Frank Murphy was a little more me than my dad in that he had an element that I wish my dad had, which was the ability to apologize.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It's more the funnier side of anger. It's also, you know, He really shows his love and affection for Susan on the show the way I wished I had seen that in my house and in other houses. And it's something that I try to make sure that my kids see, that they know how much I love my wife and how beautiful I think she is and how amazing I think she is. And it's something that...
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
You know, I feel like I've really advanced the ball, so to speak, with my kids because they're really happy. They're really happy kids and they know that they're loved. This is what I've finally gotten to with all my demons is I can't fix it. All right, it happened. There's nothing I can do about it to make it not have happened. But what I can do is like, I just look at all of that stuff.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
My job is that that stuff dies with me. It doesn't get passed on.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Yeah, but Terry, do I really do anything to help you not see me that way? I mean, I literally start the thing going, you know, it's only a part of me. And then two seconds later, I'm flipping out about this stupid thing. I mean, that's literally like what you literally saw in this interview is a day of being me. It's like me starting the day. I'm not going to flip out. I am going to be as happy.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And then before 11 a.m., flipping out. And then I'm sorry about that. And then the other person is a little upset with me. And then... by three in the afternoon, some of the, I guess he's all right. I think I'll sign up for another day with it. This is basically, um, I can't, this is just where I am right now. And I'm, I'm trying to make it to, to 12 noon without flipping out or whatever.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I just sort of baby step, um, My way is through this, but being a dad's the greatest job I've ever had. And I just love encouraging them. I love exposing them to new things and then just seeing what they gravitate towards and then just supporting that. And I don't know, just I'm building them up. To be strong people is what I'm trying to do.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And the way that that was done when I was a kid was you ripped them down to toughen them up. So, you know, it was that boy named Sue mentality. You know, that Johnny Cash song is, yeah, the dad wanted his kid to be tough, so he gave him a girl's name so he'd get beat up at school. I mean, that right there.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It was a movie. I co-wrote it with Ben Tischler. And we actually just co-wrote something else that we're going to be shooting later on this year.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
That's what happened. I went to the school and it started off with little things. And it was like, oh, hey, yeah, look at you. You guys are on the jungle gym. And it's like, it's called The Structure. And then I got all nervous, like, oh, my God, jungle, monkeys. Did I just say something racist? Is that why you can't say that anymore? Like, I don't know what it was.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I don't know why it's called The Structure. I have no idea, right? But it was like things like that. And then, you know, we were going around, you know, looking at schools and everything. And... They, you know, they had these ones. They were like, this is a child led program. Like we let the children lead. So we go out. There's all these dirty kids like just running around. It was chaos.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Something I've kind of been going towards. But also, I don't think, you know, like most people that get on a stage, they just sort of watch what you do and then think that this little sliver of you is what you are or whatever. Like that Rolling Stone thing saying that I was the king of rage. Comedy, you know, and it's in Rolling Stones. Everybody listens to it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It was like, is this Lord of the Flies preschool? Like, what are we doing here? What are we doing here? So it's kind of like, you know, Ephesus for family where it's like, It was this amalgam of like a lot of people in Hollywood are older dads because, you know, this business is so hard trying to figure out how to get a footing and actually get a steady job. You tend to have children later.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And then me, I also I just never felt I was like ready. I had this arrested development that I couldn't get through. And one of my biggest fears, you know. When I was a younger comic and I looked at older comics who never got married and never had kids and they were still doing shows and then hanging out afterwards trying to pick up, you know...
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
tricks at the end of it and it was just i was like oh my god i i i don't i don't want to be that guy i don't want to be that guy i like i wanted to get married at 26 and have like five six kids like that's how i but i i didn't know how to do it so um you know what i'd like to do um and have me stop talking
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
No, that comes from a couple of things. One thing is I got into this business because I didn't want to work, which is hilarious because doing these projects and stuff is a lot of work. And then I didn't have any guests because I just knew it was going to add value This complication. Oh, is that today? Oh, space. Can we do it tomorrow? Or, you know, I'm stuck on the 405.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I just knew it was going to be that. I didn't want to deal with that. And then also I have a certain level of social anxiety because of the stuff that I went through that I am really comfortable being alone. And somebody, a good friend of mine, she posted this thing on Instagram that said, hyper-independence is a trauma response as far as like, you know, I'll just do everything myself or whatever.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And my dad does that. Like, if he wants an addition on his house, he does it himself and he's a dentist.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It's hilarious. Right. And I was doing that. And I think in a way, like doing a podcast by myself is sort of the fallout of that. And it's a way for me to communicate with people. And I can talk to a whole bunch of people, but they can't get to me or hurt me. I don't know that this it's not the main thing, but it's in the gumbo. uh, of that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And I've learned all of these things post doing mushrooms.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Oh yeah. I mean, I, you know, I would say therapy is the treadmill of getting towards what mushrooms is this cold bucket of water that just is like, Oh my God. Yeah, I just, I started tripping and it was goofy and I was laughing. I was like, wow, this is wild. And then all of a sudden, like this feeling came over me and I couldn't really figure out what it was.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It was this profound sense of loneliness. By profound, I mean, there wasn't a beginning and an end. There wasn't a top and a bottom, right? And then I just asked the, I think I asked the question, which really is a cool thing to do when you're on mushrooms, to kind of say, what are you trying to tell me? And then like, it's weird, like the answer just sort of comes.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And the answer was basically, this is how you felt growing up. And that just like blew my mind. because I thought I didn't care. Cause that's what I always said. That was my sort of catchphrase. I don't care. I don't care. That's how I dealt with it. And how I connected with people is I made them laugh. And then I became a standup comedian because I was going to become a comedian.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
So then they just think I'm walking around just furious all the time. It's two dimensional. So and then there's also a part of me that really hates the fact that I have been. so angry and had this temper and stuff. It was something I never wanted to be. It's something I grew up with. And, you know, you think to yourself, like, I'm not doing that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And then all these strangers were going to love me and then the pain was going to end. And then I was going to be totally fixed. Well, that didn't work. So this let me know, that it did bother me and that I was hurt and it did affect me. And it was the weirdest thing like for like a week after I was who I would have been if all of this stuff didn't happen to me.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It was like this honeymoon phase, this euphoria. It made me want to become a better person. It made me want to fix my life. So seven days of that, oh my God, I'm not angry anymore. I felt this lightness in my chest. But then after seven days, the reality that what happened to me still happened to me and that I could have been this guy, but now I am who I am, who I don't like.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I don't like how I am. And the anger came back tenfold. And then I had to work through that, but that was only like a three week thing. because I kind of saw who I could be.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
You know what, Terry? You're a good person. You saw me leading people astray and look at you. You just said in a very eloquent way, don't do what this idiot just did.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel to know that that's how you felt.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Yeah. Do you know why I think it's not gonna survive? Why it's not gonna be successful anyways? Because they still need men's help to make it happen. I don't understand it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I don't understand why women just can't work with each other, but they keep coming to us like, you more men need to care about this issue. Where are the men to stand up and say something? Like, why do I have to say something? This is your problem. Why are you always dragging us into this?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I'm not going to be like this person because they're making me feel bad as a kid. And then you grow up and you end up... It's the weird thing. In order to not be it, I think a lot of times you have to be it for a while. And it's weird. It takes somebody else in your life to let you know that that's how you're being. Because a lot of times you just dialed it down a little bit.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
How come men didn't have to change for them to succeed?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
All right. OK. It's funny to me because I just thought it was hilarious that when that Me Too thing came out. Right. All of these guys all of a sudden were walking around and they had on these male feminist buttons. Right. And that was absolutely hysterical to me. And it was hysterical to me that women didn't call out the BS of that because it's like, where was that button before this happened?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
You had your whole life to wear that button and you didn't wear it until guys were getting thrown off the bridge of their career.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Females first. And you fell for it. I mean, that's a red flag. Let's just take it out of men and women. I remember when I first got a manager and an agent and I thought, oh, boy, oh, boy. Now I don't have to make the calls. Someone's going to be making calls for me. It's like, no, no one's going to care about what you want more than you. So you got to empower yourself to do this.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It's like, where is your responsibility in supporting other women? Or like you hear like in Hollywood, we need more movies with women in them.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It's not true. Do you think the door was open for a bald, redheaded ginger to come in at 50-something years old? Do you think Hollywood was waiting for that? Do you think I just walked out there like, oh, you're a guy. What are your dreams? Send us a list and we're going to make it happen.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And to you, that means you've leveled off. Like where your normal is is not where normal people's normal is. So you're like, what? You know, I didn't throw a chair across the room. I'm an easygoing.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Exactly. So like, OK, so I went through it, too, in my own way.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Listen, I don't have a problem with women. If you come with a good script, I don't have... I'm not in the way. You know, you can view me however you want to view me, but I know what I've done in my career as far as, like, who I've worked with and what I've been doing. And, like, at the end of the day... Like the joke that I'm doing, I'm making a point.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I'm also being playful, but I'm also not going to be this person just going like, yes, you are 100 percent right. I need to do better. You don't need to do anything. You just keep being you because you are a woman and you are not flawed at all and you are not abusive at all. And you are not responsible at all for where you are in life.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
If you're not where you want to be in life, it's because of men. I don't subscribe to that any more than I subscribe to, hey, these dumb broads need to be home making me a sandwich. I'm not that guy either. I'm somewhere in the middle. And I like to tease everybody. So if you want to listen to my act and be like, you know, this part I like, but that part I didn't.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I mean, that happens to me every night. So I don't know.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I feel like I'm in the Terminator right now. He just keeps coming. That's all he does.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
There's nothing I like better than debating. And here's something that you would be surprised is I actually do love women. I do find you guys fascinating. But I also know in your own way you're also as full of S as men are. OK, our positions are different.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I will tell you, you know, if you want feminism in the real world, in the job world, you should also want it in a marriage and divorce settlements. But I don't see a lot of feminists sticking up for guys in those things. They don't want equality when it comes to that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I supported him. That's my favorite thing ever. This guy builds an empire and then the woman's like, I supported him. I managed the house.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Everybody in my life. Everybody. People reviewing my act, my wife. You know, there's only, like, you can only argue your point, you know, for so long. I mean, when like a hundred people in the row are going like, you know, you're pretty angry, you know, you got to be like, all right, I guess I got to look at this. But it's been like a...
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
No, you didn't lie. I had you in the corner there for a second. No, no, you didn't. But you know what? I'm in a good mood.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Then why did you abandon that? You just said a lot of women make more money than guys. So, like, what are we doing here?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
How's that working out now that you're in the job world? Isn't it fulfilling?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Well, I would say that you and I are very fortunate that we actually have jobs that we like because most people don't. The toughest job in the world is going to a job you don't want to do. The easiest thing is going to a job that you want to go to.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Oh, stop with the bros term. Everybody with their terms now. Bros. All these guys are bros. Isn't that the feminist word for broads? Uh-uh. No, because I'm a woman. It doesn't work that way. This is the thing. It's deliberately ambiguous.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Okay, because that's what I am. Because I am everything in that joke. I am enlightened and I am ignorant. Thank you. I am clueless and I am that. Don't say thank you like you just won something. No, thank you for the explanation. See, I'm defensive then. You backed me in the corner because you kept coming at me. You kept punching me after the bell.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
You're supposed to go back to the stools and you get that overhand right in over the referee.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I do, but then I always end up becoming this. This is the guy I'm trying not to be.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I do. I am a man. I absolutely love women. I find you guys fascinating. And at the same time, I find you incredibly frustrating. And, you know, I see the beauty in what you do, and I also see the destruction in it, because you're human beings or whatever. And I try to...
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
You know, and I got to be honest with you, if you watch my earlier stand up, I'm like women, women that had nothing to do with women. All of that crap that I said had nothing to do with women. It had to do with the fact that I didn't know how to get on with my life, that I wanted to get married. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to have kids and I didn't know how to do it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And I didn't understand what my problem was. So and I didn't know how to fix it. So I blamed what I wanted. So there's also that. I don't know.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
There's a lot of stuff I've done. I look, I go, did I say that? You know, it happens.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
That's the great thing about comedy. Well, I had a great time. Talking with you and I had a great time debating with you. And I really like you. Oh, even though we didn't line up on everything. But I like that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
a great thing but like I don't know I listen to people I try to anyway so when they come at me with something you know if it makes sense okay if it makes sense and I'm in an emotional state that I can actually hear somebody else which sometimes that might take a day for me to think about something I am the king of a day later being like, hey, you know that thing I was arguing last night?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Yeah, you were right. I'm sorry. I just, I don't know why. And you know what's the torture right now is I find myself in the moment now. knowing I'm wrong or knowing I should just stop this argument and it's not worth it. And I've gotten to the point that that voice is getting louder in my head, but I haven't been able to act on it in the moment. And that's what I'm working towards.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I would love to be in the middle of some stupid argument with my wife or whoever And just be able to stop in the middle of it and just be like, what are we doing? Life is flying by. This isn't worth anything. You know, this isn't worth it. Who cares? You know, something like that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Every way that you can be abused is what I'm talking about.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I have the background needed to become a comedian. So, yeah. It just was... It's just how it was. And it's just the time I grew up in. And it was just the way it was. And there was a lot of it. There was a lot of it. I did not have a unique... My experience growing up, I kind of feel like I had the standard, especially from, you know, talking to people.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Or maybe I just hang out with too many comedians. I don't know what, but we all kind of had a similar background. And, you know, when you go through stuff like that, you come out the other side. It kind of seems one of two ways. You either come out being like, I'm not doing that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And then what's funny is you overcorrect and you become super empathetic to the point you could end up in the trunk of somebody's car like, oh, help you out, stranger, you know? Or you go the other way is like you become an abuser.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
So fortunately I didn't do that, but I have been guilty of being abusive, not realizing the effect that my behavior and my anger was having on the people around me because in my world, I wasn't as angry as what I saw growing up. So in my world, I wasn't angry. It wasn't a big deal. And what I've actually found is that whole myth that you can't be happy and still be funny is a myth.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And what it actually does is it breathes new life into your act because you can now go back and revisit topics you've been to before and have a 360 perspective instead of like, like I always view like my standup, like the first 75% of my career is me standing on stage, pointing at the crowd figuratively, literally, or at whatever subject and,
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And I was always the guy that knew everything and da-da-da-da-da, you know. And the last like, you know, six, seven years, whatever, I don't know. I've more been looking at my participation in whatever event is happening. So then all that does is it gives it this whole – it gives me way more – twice as many options, right? For the punchline now. I don't know. I feel lighter on stage lately.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I don't feel... You know, there was times I would even have good stats and I would get off stage and just feel like, God, what was that? What was that? That did not feel good. Even though the response was good, but it just kind of felt like... It just... It didn't feel good.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It was gross. It was just dark, ugly, just pain and hurt just coming out the wrong way, which is so funny because some of the comedians that I love the most, the way that they process their pain was a very empathetic sort of way, which I would say Richard Pryor was the king of that, where he just really had this ability of talking about...
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
his mistakes that he made in a way that you could see that it bothered him that he did some of these things. And it also made you root for him. Like I felt like that was the biggest thing I had as far as being a fan of his work was beyond finding it hilarious and jaw-droppingly brilliant was I found that I was rooting for him in his personal life.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
as he was going through all these marriages and divorces and problems with the cops and drug abuse and lighting himself on fire. He's just like, I don't know. I love the guy, and I was just hoping he was going to find peace.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
OK, I'll give you a classic example of that was I my thing was I grew up and I saw men calling women all the time and I saw the looks on their faces and I saw it. So I made this rule in my head. I was never going to do that. And I never did it. I've never done that. And never done that to anybody. Buddy, I don't think – I've never done it in a relationship. I might have done it driving in a car.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I could go in there by myself, okay? But if there's a cop there, I'm going to get pulled over. I'm going to get yelled at. I get a ticket and my insurance goes up. I am not allowed to do that. However, I can still join the Klan.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I don't even think that's fair of me to say I have road rage. I have rage and now I'm in a car, so now it's on the road. I have road rage. I have kitchen rage. I have why do I have to check myself out at a CVS rage? I know I don't work here. You know what I mean? I love when they like giving you like a rough time, like you got to insert the chip.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
It's like, I'm sorry, I missed training day when I wasn't working here, getting paid. Or when they try to get all your information and then they go, you know, we don't share this with anybody. And you want to be like, you don't. You don't. But now it's going into the thing that's like that clear thing at the frigging airport. I already gave you my retina in a stool sample.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Now you want my cell phone? They go, it's a one-time thing. It's like, well, how many times you got to put it in the computer before you have it? You can share it with everybody. This is my thing with politicians.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
The fact that the lack of privacy for the average American citizen, especially women, with the amount of women out there that have psycho ex-boyfriends, the fact that all of these stupid corporations are just allowed to do the things that they're able to do is beyond me.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And where my comedy act is right now is I'm trying to get regular people to stop yelling at each other and realize that it's a select few group of nerds OK, eating raw almonds and doing their stupid workouts and everything and just competing with each other to have the biggest infinity pool.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
And the rest of us are getting pushed down and they've they've they've politicized the whole stupid thing and we're falling for it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
That idiot Elon Musk. Oh. That guy who evidently is a Nazi. I just refuse to believe that it was an accidental two-time Sieg Heil. And he does it at a presidential inauguration. This is why I hate liberals. It's like liberals have no teeth whatsoever. They just go, oh, my God.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Can you believe? I'm getting out of the country. I'm just like, you're going to leave the country because of one guy?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
With dyed hair plugs and a laminated face. Who makes a bad car and has an obsolete social media platform. You're going to leave this? Why doesn't he leave? Why hasn't he stopped? What are we so afraid of this guy who can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I could join the Ku Klux Klan and not get in trouble. I don't get yelled at. I don't get a ticket. No insurance goes up. I could drive down the highway in my Klan outfit as long as I had the mud flap up. I could say Grand Dragon on the front of the sheet. I could have a white power bumper sticker. I could have a Hitler bobblehead right on the dashboard just sitting there going like that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Like, why do liberals just sit back and they have nothing? What are you doing? This. Okay. This. You got to speak up about it. You don't just go like, oh, my God, what? Like, listen, first of all, it's like I'm a stand up comedian. It's not my friggin. I'm talking about like Democratic politicians. Where is their pushback? They're allegedly liberal. You see this guy do this thing.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
You know what the end result of this thing is, which all these neo-Nazis, not only they stupid because they're neo-Nazis, they don't even look at what Hitler did. He ruined their country. And this idiot is going to try to lead us down that road and then play it off and act like he didn't do what he just did. And you can get canceled as a comedian for doing a frigging Caitlyn Jenner joke.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
But this ass can can see Kyle and nothing. Where are all the liberals? Where are all of these these these these white chicks at the award shows that were speaking truth to power? Where are they? Why did they choose to go after comedians and not the Ku Klux Klan? How come they never got canceled? That's my whole problem with liberals.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
I just think it's a phony ideology where what they really do is it's a bunch of white chicks trying to fix their immediate area. Like they really took on entertainment because they were in entertainment and then they didn't do anything else.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr [Extended Version]
Exactly. Because you guys went in and you totally took control of the narrative. That whole Me Too thing was supposed to be about people with no power speaking to people with power and giving more people opportunities, which meant people of color. And then all of a sudden white women... jumped in and became like the biggest victims in the country. They were the ones that were being listened to.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Why do liberals just sit back and they have nothing? What are you doing? This.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
This. You got to speak up about it. You don't just go like, oh, my God, what? Like, listen, first of all, it's like I'm a stand up comedian. It's not my friggin. I'm talking about like Democratic politicians. Where is their pushback? They're allegedly liberal. You see this guy do this thing.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
You know what the end result of this thing is, which all these neo-Nazis, not only they stupid because they're neo-Nazis, they don't even look at what Hitler did. He ruined their country. And this idiot is going to try to lead us down that road and then play it off and act like he didn't do what he just did. And you can get canceled as a comedian for doing a frigging Caitlyn Jenner joke.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
But this ass can can see Kyle and nothing. Where are all the liberals? Where are all of these these these these white chicks at the award shows that were speaking truth to power? Where are they? Why did they choose to go after comedians and not the Ku Klux Klan? How come they never got canceled? That's my whole problem with liberals.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
I just think it's a phony ideology where what they really do is it's a bunch of white chicks trying to fix their immediate area. Like they really took on entertainment because they were in entertainment and then they didn't do anything else.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Exactly. Because you guys went in and you totally took control of the narrative. That whole Me Too thing was supposed to be about people with no power speaking to people with power and giving more people opportunities, which meant people of color. And then all of a sudden white women... jumped in and became like the biggest victims in the country. They were the ones that were being listened to.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
It doesn't surprise me on this station talking to a white woman that I would lose you.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
But then what did it become? What did it morph into? What did it quickly morph into? It then morphed into I don't like the topic of what you're discussing in your stand up act.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
I'm saying what it became, it started off like, all right, this Harvey Weinstein guy is raping people. We got to get people like this out of the business. There was nobody who was against that unless you were an actual.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Wait, wait, no, no, no, no, no. Let's talk about that. We're not going to move on. Me Too started with that. And then it started this cancel cultural thing with initially they were getting these people that were sexually assaulting women. And because of their position of power, we're not being held accountable. They finally got held accountable.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Everyone who was a decent human being was on board with that. And then suddenly within a year, It became if you were at a comedy club and somebody filmed you and took one little piece of excerpt from your act, all of a sudden you were thrown in with Harvey Weinstein and you were kicked. You were you were like put on the bench, basically, and you were not allowed to work in the friggin business.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
It was almost like you were 20 years younger. Yeah. You had a fresh face. Yeah, that one was recorded about 20 years ago. You had no dad bod. You were a single man dealing with the altitude.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Oh, you know what it is? That's what I was battling, and that's why I couldn't get any good roles. The greatest thing that ever happened to me is I went bald for my acting career because then I shaved my head and I look like this psycho idiot that I am. But back in the day when I actually... You know, Hollywood, you know, they talk about just, you know, racism and sex. It goes beyond that.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Like they even like they even divide up redheads. There was like rules about redheads. I was in the redhead drawer. OK, I was in the Opie, Ron Howard, Howdy Doody drawer. And like I didn't get the gun. I didn't win the fight. I didn't get the girl. I was a mugging victim. I was just there for the cool guy. And I was saying, I used to do a joke in my act, like, I'm not the hero of the action movie.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Like, I was the nerd in the van when Tom Cruise is going, you got to give me more time. And I would be in front of the keyboard. All right, I'll try. Click, click, click, click, click.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
There's a lot of stuff I've done. I look, I go, did I say that? You know, you know, it happens.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
I'm waiting for I'm waiting for having said that.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
That's the great thing about comedy. Well, I had a great time talking with you and I had a great time debating with you. And I really like you. Oh, even though we didn't line up on everything. But I like that.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
I could go in there by myself, okay? But if there's a cop there, I'm going to get pulled over. I'm going to get yelled at. I get a ticket and my insurance goes up. I am not allowed to do that. However, I can still join the Klan.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
I could join the Ku Klux Klan and not get in trouble. I don't get yelled at. I don't get a ticket. No insurance goes up. I could drive down the highway in my Klan outfit as long as I had the mud flap up. I could say Grand Dragon on the front of the sheet. I could have a white power bumper sticker. I could have a Hitler bobblehead right on the dashboard just sitting there going like that.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
I would not get pulled over unless I went into the HOV lane, right? And then I wouldn't get pulled over because I joined a terrorist organization. I would get pulled over because I didn't have another terrorist with me. That's what the problem would be. And the cop will be coming up like, well, well, well, aren't we in a hurry to get to the cross burning this evening, huh?
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Like what you literally saw in this interview is a day of being me. It's like me starting the day. I'm not going to flip out. I am going to be as happy. And then before 11 a.m., flipping out.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
It's kind of a weird thing to be over 50, really starting to realize how f***ed you are.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Like, I thought I did stand-up because I loved comedy. And then what I really figured out was like, no, that's not why I did it. I did stand up because that was the easiest way to walk into a room full of a bunch of people that I didn't know and make everybody like me.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
The way I've moved through the world has always been like, where's the place I have the least chance of being heard?
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Something I've kind of been going towards. But also, I don't think, you know, like most people that get on a stage, they just sort of watch what you do and then think that this little sliver of you is what you are or whatever. Like that Rolling Stone thing saying that I was the king of rage. Comedy, you know, and it's in Rolling Stones. Everybody listens to it.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
So then they just think I'm walking around just furious all the time. It's two dimensional. So and then there's also a part of me that really hates the fact that I have been. so angry and had this temper and stuff. It was something I never wanted to be. It's something I grew up with. And, you know, you think to yourself, like, I'm not doing that.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
I'm not going to be like this person because they're making me feel bad as a kid. And then you grow up and you end up... It's the weird thing. In order to not be it, I think a lot of times you have to be it for a while. And it's weird. It takes somebody else in your life to let you know that that's how you're being. Because a lot of times you just dialed it down a little bit.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
And to you, that means you've leveled off. Like where your normal is is not where normal people's normal is. So you're like, what? You know, I didn't throw a chair across the room. I'm an easygoing. I let stuff roll off my back. Yeah.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Oh, Jesus. People are driving to work here. You know, let's try to give them something uplifting.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Everybody in my life. Everybody. Yeah. people reviewing my act, my wife, you know, there's only like, you can only argue your point, you know, for so long. I mean, when, when like a hundred people in the row are going like, nah, you know, you're pretty angry, you know, you got to be like, all right, I guess I got to look at this, but it's been like a, a great thing. But like, I don't know.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
I listen to people. I try to anyway. So when they come at me with something, you know, if it makes sense, OK, if it makes sense and I'm in an emotional state that I could actually hear somebody else, which sometimes that might take a day for me to think about something. I am the king of a day later being like, hey, you know, you know, that thing I was arguing last night. Yeah, you were right.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
I'm sorry. I just I don't know why. And, you know, it's the torture right now is I find myself in the moment now. knowing I'm wrong or knowing I should just stop this argument and it's not worth it. And I've gotten to the point that that voice is getting louder in my head, but I haven't been able to act on it in the moment. And that's what I'm working towards.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
I would love to be in the middle of some stupid argument with my wife or whoever And just be able to stop in the middle of it and just be like, what are we doing? Life is flying by. This isn't worth anything. You know, this isn't worth it. Who cares? You know, something like that.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Every way that you can be abused is what I'm talking about.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Oh, yeah. I got the trifecta. I have the background needed to become a comedian. So, yeah. It just was... It's just how it was. And it's just the time I grew up in. And it was just the way it was. And there was a lot of it. There was a lot of it. I did not have a unique...
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
My experience growing up, I kind of feel like I had the standard, especially from, you know, talking to people or maybe I just hang out with too many comedians. I don't know what, but we all kind of had a similar background. And, you know, when you go through stuff like that, you come out the other side. It kind of seems one of two ways. You either come out being like, I'm not doing that.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
And then what's funny is you overcorrect and you become super empathetic to the point you could end up in the trunk of somebody's car like, oh, help you out, stranger, you know? Or you go the other way is like you become an abuser.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
So fortunately I didn't do that, but I have been guilty of being abusive, not realizing the effect that my behavior and my anger was having on the people around me because in my world, I wasn't as angry as what I saw growing up. So in my world, I wasn't angry. It wasn't a big deal. What I've actually found is that whole myth that you can't be happy and still be funny is a myth.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
And what it actually does is it breathes new life into your act because you can now go back and revisit topics you've been to before and have a 360 perspective instead of like, like I always view like my standup, like the first 75% of my career is me standing on stage, pointing at the crowd figuratively, literally, or at whatever subject and,
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
And I was always the guy that knew everything and da-da-da-da-da, you know. And the last, like, you know, six, seven years, whatever, I don't know. I've more been looking at my participation in whatever event is happening. So then all that does is it gives me twice as many options for the punchline now. I don't know. I feel lighter on stage lately. I don't feel...
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
You know, there was times I would even have good stats and I would get off stage and just feel like, God, what was that? What was that? That did not feel good. Even though the response was good, but it just kind of felt like... It just... It didn't feel good.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Um... It was gross. It was just dark, ugly, um... Just...
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
pain and hurt just coming out the wrong the wrong way where uh which is so funny because some of the comedians that I love the most the way that they process their pain was uh a very empathetic sort of way which I would say Richard Pryor was the king of that where you could he just really had this ability of talking about his mistakes that he made in a way that
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
that you could see that it bothered him that he did some of these things. And it also made you root for him. Like I felt like that was the biggest thing I had as far as being a fan of his work was beyond finding it hilarious and jaw-droppingly brilliant was I found that I was rooting for him in his personal life
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
as he was going through all these marriages and divorces and problems with the cops and drug abuse and lighting himself on fire. He's just like, I don't know. I love the guy, and I was just hoping he was going to find peace.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
Okay. I'll give you a classic example. Of that was I, my thing was I grew up and I saw men calling women all the time and I saw the looks on their faces and I saw it. So I made this rule in my head. I was never going to do that. And I never did it. I've never done that. And, um, never done that to any buddy. I don't think in a real, I've never done it in a relationship.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
I might've done it driving in a car. I'm sure I have. Yeah.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
I don't even think that's fair of me to say I have road rage. I have rage, and now I'm in a car, so now it's on the road. I have road rage. I have kitchen rage. I have, why do I have to check myself out at a CVS rage? I don't work here. You know what I mean? I love when they're giving you a rough time, like, you've got to insert the chip.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
It's like, I'm sorry, I missed training day when I wasn't working here, getting paid. Or when they try to get all your information and then they go, you know, we don't share this with anybody. And you want to be like, you don't. You don't. This is my thing with politicians.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
The fact that the lack of privacy for the average American citizen, especially women, with the amount of women out there that have psycho ex-boyfriends, the fact that all of these stupid corporations are just allowed to do the things that they're able to do is beyond me.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
And where my comedy act is right now is I'm trying to get regular people to stop yelling at each other and realize that it's a select few group of nerds OK, eating raw almonds and doing their stupid workouts and everything and just competing with each other to have the biggest infinity pool. And the rest of us are getting pushed down and they politicize the whole stupid thing.
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
That idiot Elon Musk. Oh. That guy who evidently is a Nazi. I just refuse to believe that it was an accidental two-time Sieg Heil. And he does it at a presidential inauguration. This is why I hate liberals. It's like liberals have no teeth whatsoever. They just go, oh, my God. Can you believe? I'm getting out of the country. I'm just like, you're going to leave the country because of one guy?
Fresh Air
Best Of: Comic Bill Burr / Actor Simu Liu
With dyed hair plugs and a laminated face. Who makes a bad car and has an obsolete social media platform. You're going to leave this. Why doesn't he leave? Why isn't he stopped? What are we so afraid of this guy who can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I'm saying what it became, it started off like, all right, this Harvey Weinstein guy is raping people. We got to get people like this out of the business. There was nobody who was against that unless you were an actual.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I'm not arguing that aspect of it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's talk about that. We're not going to move on. Me Too started with that. And then it started this cancel cultural thing with initially they were getting these people that were sexually assaulting women. And because of their position of power, we're not being held accountable. They finally got held accountable.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Everyone who was a decent human being was on board with that. And then suddenly within a year, It became if you were at a comedy club and somebody filmed you and took one little piece of excerpt from your act, all of a sudden you were thrown in with Harvey Weinstein and you were kicked. You were you were like put on the bench, basically, and you were not allowed to work in the friggin business.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Am I nuts? Did that not happen?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I could have a Hitler bobblehead right on the dashboard just sitting there going like that. I would not get pulled over unless I went into the HOV lane. Right? And then I wouldn't get pulled over because I joined a terrorist organization. I would get pulled over because I didn't have another terrorist with me. That's what the problem would be.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
It was almost like you were 20 years younger. Yeah. You had a fresh face.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Dad bod, you were a single man dealing with the altitude.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Oh, you know what it is? That's what I was battling, and that's why I couldn't get any good roles. The greatest thing that ever happened to me is I went bald for my acting career because then I shaved my head and I look like this psycho idiot that I am. But back in the day when I actually... You know, Hollywood, you know, they talk about just, you know, racism and sex. It goes beyond that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Like they even like they even divide up redheads. There was like rules about redheads. I was in the redhead drawer. OK, I was in the Opie, Ron Howard, Howdy Doody drawer. And like I didn't get the gun. I didn't win the fight. I didn't get the girl. I was a mugging victim. I was just there for the cool guy. And I was saying, I used to do a joke in my act, like, I'm not the hero of the action movie.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Like, I was the nerd in the van when Tom Cruise is going, you got to give me more time. And I would be in front of the keyboard. All right, I'll try. Click, click, click, click, click.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Oh, Jesus. People are driving to work here. You know, let's try to give them something uplifting.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And I'll tell you this. He was a normal guy. He was normal, like all the dads. The dads, in my neighborhood, when I grew up, the dads were freaking terrifying. Terrifying. They were just, you know, buzz cut lunatics. This is when I was really young, early 70s. It was a different time. So I don't want to just single out my dad, right? He's just the dude I had to deal with.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
But like, you know, a lot of my buddies I was growing up with came from divorce. So they romanticized my household just for the simple fact of That my parents were still together. So what's funny to me, my favorite moment in my new special is I say, you know, me and my wife, we've been married, whatever, 10, 11 years. And the crowd spontaneously gives a round of applause.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And I just I go, hey, hey, I go, you're not in it. You know, for all you know, I got a chain to a radiator.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
So that's the thing. Because I'll tell you, like there was like back in the day, like, you know, divorce was just starting to become normal. So I sort of grew up towards the tail end of that. You know, you dance with who you brung and you stick with you by your guy. There was a lot of women that it's like, is this a marriage or is this like a hostage situation? Yeah.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And the cop will be coming up like, well, well, well, aren't we in a hurry to get to the cross burning this evening, huh? Who the hell do you think you are, buddy?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I remember one time I was playing like Hot Wheels or something like that over a buddy of mine's house. He was like my best friend. And we were playing and his dad came home from work. And didn't know I was there. And he started in on his wife. And I knew where it was going because that was the kind of house I grew up in. And I saw the look of panic on his face.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And I knew that shame and I knew that embarrassment. And I just said, oh, you know what? This is how young we were because he actually believed this. I just went, oh, you know, I just remembered I got to go home and go do something. And he was like, oh, OK, OK. And I went out the side door. And I was cutting through the woods, and I remember I laughed the whole way home.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And I couldn't wait to tell my siblings about it. And they were all, like, blown away, like I had been to the moon and came back. And I go, no, his dad is just like our dad. They were like, really? I go, yeah, he was screaming and yelling and calling the names.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Oh, my God. OK. Oh, my God. Yeah. Like, yes. Yes. But this is the thing is I'm older now and I understand that he didn't understand what he was doing, what it was doing to me because he dialed down what was done to him. So the same way I didn't think I was an angry person because I wasn't as angry as him.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
it took meeting somebody like my wife to be like, you're really messed up and your behavior is hurting me. And it's making me feel bad and all of that type of stuff. So, you know, I almost lost my wife when we were dating because of it. And I loved her. And it was like, what am I going to do? Am I going to choose love and work on myself? Or am I going to lose this person?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
So, you know, that has been... Me working on my anger is like a government project. Like it's over budget. When is it ever going to get done? You know, so I would say the big thing when I was a kid was I felt... This powerlessness. And I just felt like I was on my own and I felt like I wasn't being heard.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Nobody ever gets hurt at supper, Susan, okay? It's always some salesman and I'm not answering it. Dad, we all know you're going to answer it. You don't know a thing about me.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I sweated blood at that airport for 12 hours today, and what's important to me is I have just one moment of peace with my family enjoying a delicious home-cooked meal. Is that too much to ask? I'm not answering it. Murphy Residence. Oh, let me tell you something, you ****. I don't need a **** engraved family Bible. You see? You see what I say every time?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I am eating dinner with my family, young man. I don't need a $25 Bible to teach me about God. I almost bled out in Korea, all right? I have met God.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Did you write that scene? I wrote it with a bunch of people. So it was sort of an amalgam of everybody's parents, like dad or whatever, in that period. It's more the funnier side of anger. It's also... He really shows his love and affection for Susan on the show the way I wished I had seen that in my house and in other houses. And it's something that I try to...
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
make sure that my kids see that they know how much I love my wife and how beautiful I think she is and how amazing I think she is. And it's something that I feel like I've really advanced the ball. so to speak, with my kids because they're really happy kids and they know that they're loved. This is what I've finally gotten to with all my demons is I can't fix it. All right, it happened.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
There's nothing I can do about it to make it not have happened. I just look at all of that stuff. My job is that that stuff dies with me. It doesn't get passed on.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Yeah, but Terry, do I really do anything to help you not see me that way? I mean, I literally start the thing going, you know, it's only a part of me. And then two seconds later, I'm flipping out about this stupid thing. I mean, that's literally like what you literally saw in this interview is a day of being me. It's like me starting the day. I'm not going to flip out. I am going to be as happy.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And then before 11 a.m., flipping out. And then I'm, ah, sorry about that. And then the other person's a little upset with me. And then by three in the afternoon, someone's like, I guess he's all right. I think I'll sign up for another day with it. This is basically... This is just where I am right now, and I'm trying to make it to 12 noon without flipping out or whatever.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I just sort of baby step my ways through this.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
It was a movie. I co-wrote it with Ben Tischler. And we actually just co-wrote something else that we're going to be shooting later on this year.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
That's what happened. I went to the school and it started off with little things. And it was like, oh, hey, yeah, look at you. You guys are on the jungle gym. And it's like, it's called the structure. And then I got all nervous. Like, oh, my God. Jungle. Monkeys. Did I just say something racist? Is that why you can't say that anymore? Like, I don't know what it was.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And then, you know, we were going around, you know, looking at schools and everything. And... They were like, this is a child led program. Like we let the children. So we go out. There's all these dirty kids like just running around. It was chaos. It was like, oh, is this Lord of the Flies preschool? What are we doing here? What are we doing here?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
It's kind of a weird thing to be over 50, really starting to realize how f***ed you are.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
A lot of people in Hollywood are older dads because, you know, this business is so hard trying to figure out how to get a footing and actually get a steady job. You tend to have children later. And then one of my biggest fears...
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
When I was a younger comic and I looked at older comics who never got married and never had kids and they were still doing shows and then hanging out afterwards trying to pick up tricks at the end of it. And it was just, I was like, oh, my God. I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to be that guy. Like, I wanted to get married at 26 and have, like, five, six kids.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
But I didn't know how to do it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Have me stop talking?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Like, I thought I did stand-up because I loved comedy. And then what I really figured out was like, no, that's not why I did it. I did stand up because that was the easiest way to walk into a room full of a bunch of people that I didn't know and make everybody like me.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
No, that comes from a couple of things. One thing is I have a certain level of social anxiety because of the stuff that I went through that I am really comfortable being alone. And somebody, a good friend of mine, she posted this thing on Instagram that said, hyper independence is a trauma response as far as like, you know, I'll just do everything myself or whatever. And my dad does that. Yeah.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
If he wants an addition on his house, he does it himself, and he's a dentist. It's hilarious, right? And I was doing that. And I think, in a way, doing a podcast by myself is sort of the fallout of that. And I can talk to a whole bunch of people, but they can't get to me or hurt me. I don't know. It's not the main thing, but it's in the gumbo. Of that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And I've learned all of these things post doing mushrooms.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Oh, yeah. I would say therapy is the treadmill. But mushrooms is this cold bucket of water that just is like, oh, my God. I started tripping and it was goofy and I was laughing. I was like, wow, this is wild. And then all of a sudden, like this feeling came over me and I couldn't really figure out what it was. It was this profound sense of loneliness.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And then I just asked the, I think I asked the question, which really is a cool thing to do when you're on mushrooms, to kind of say, what are you trying to tell me? And the answer was basically, this is how you felt growing up. And that just like blew my mind. because I thought I didn't care, because that's what I always said. That was my sort of catchphrase. I don't care. I don't care.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
That's how I dealt with it. And how I connected with people is I made them laugh. And then I became a standup comedian. And then all these strangers were going to love me. And then the pain was going to end. And then I was going to be totally fixed. Well, that didn't work. So this let me know that it did bother me and that I was hurt and it did affect me.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And it was the weirdest thing, like for like a week after I was who I would have been if all of this stuff didn't happen to me. It was like this honeymoon phase, this euphoria. It made me want to become a better person. It made me want to fix my life. But then after seven days, the anger came back tenfold. And then I had to work through that, but that was only like a three week thing.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
because I kind of saw who I could be.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
You know what, Terry? You're a good person. You saw me leading people astray, and look at you. You just said, in a very eloquent way, don't do what this idiot just did.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
The way I've moved through the world has always been like, where's the place I have the least chance of being heard?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel to know that that's how you felt.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Every time I think feminism has kind of, like, died off, you know? You know, like a band you can't stand, and you just, they haven't put out an album in a few years. You're like, oh, good, did they quit? Did they break up? And all of a sudden they come out with some more s***. You're like, ah, what is it now? I'm just with you. Feminism doesn't bother me.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I'm not afraid of it or anything like that. You know, for the simple fact that I know it's going to fail, you know?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And I take comfort in that. I do. I'm not rooting for it because I know it doesn't like me.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Yeah. Do you know why I think it's not going to survive? Why it's not going to be successful anyways? Because they still need men's help to make it happen. I don't understand it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I don't understand why women just can't work with each other, but they keep coming to us like, you more men need to care about this issue. Where are the men to stand up and say something? Like, why do I have to say something? This is your problem.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
What's going on? How are you?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
How come men didn't have to change for them to succeed?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
All right. OK. I just thought it was hilarious that when that Me Too thing came out. Right. All of these guys all of a sudden were walking around and they had on these male feminist buttons. And it was hysterical to me that women didn't call out the BS of that because it's like, where was that button before this happened? You had your whole life.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
to wear that button and you didn't wear it until guys were getting thrown off the bridge of their career then all of a sudden I'm a male feminist females first and you fell for it I mean that's a red flag Let's just take it out of men and women. No one's going to care about what you want more than you. So you got to empower yourself to do this.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
It's like, where is your responsibility in supporting other women? Or like you hear like in Hollywood, we need more movies with women in them. It's like, well, go write one. That's what they're doing. Go write one.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
It's something I've kind of been going towards. But also, I don't think, you know, like most people that get on a stage, they just sort of watch what you do and then think that, This little sliver of you is what you are or whatever. Like that Rolling Stone thing saying that I was the king of rage comedy. You know, and it's in Rolling Stone, so everybody listens to it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
It's just not true. It's pretty true. It's not true. It's not true. Do you think the door was open for a bald, redheaded ginger to come in at 50 something years old to go? Do you think Hollywood was waiting for that? Do you think they I just walked out there like, oh, you're a guy. What are your dreams? Send us a list and we're going to make it happen.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
So like, OK, so I went through it, too, in my own way.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Listen, I don't have a problem with women. You know, you can view me however you want to view me, but I know what I've done in my career as far as, like, who I've worked with and what I've been doing. And, like, at the end of the day— The joke that I'm doing, I'm making a point.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I'm also being playful, but I'm also not going to be this person just going like, yes, you are 100 percent right because you are a woman and you are not flawed at all and you are not abusive. And you are not responsible at all for where you are in life. If you're not where you want to be in life, it's because of men.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I don't subscribe to that any more than I subscribe to 80s dumb broads need to be home making me a sandwich. I'm not that guy either. I'm somewhere in the middle. And I like to tease everybody. So if you want to listen to my act and be like, you know, this part I like, but that part I didn't. I mean, that happens to me every night. So I don't know.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I feel like I'm in the Terminator right now. He just keeps coming. That's all he does. He's not going to stop.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
There's nothing I like better than debating.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Oh, stop with the bros term. Everybody with their terms now. Bros. All these guys are bros. Isn't that the feminist word for broads? Uh-uh. No, because I'm a woman. It doesn't work that way. This is the thing. It's deliberately ambiguous.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Okay, because that's what I am. Because I am everything in that joke. I am enlightened and I am ignorant.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I am clueless and I am that. Don't say thank you like you just won something. No, thank you for the explanation. See, I'm defensive then. You backed me in the corner because you kept coming at me. You kept punching me after the bell. You're supposed to go back to the stools and you get that overhand right in over the referee.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I do, but then I always end up becoming this. This is the guy I'm trying not to be.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I do. I am a man. I absolutely love women. I find you guys fascinating. And at the same time, I find you incredibly frustrating. And I got to be honest with you, if you watch my earlier standup, I'm like, women, women, that had nothing to do with women. It had to do with the fact that I didn't know how to get on with my life, that I wanted to get married. I wanted to be in love.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I wanted to have kids and I didn't know how to do it. And I didn't understand what my problem was and I didn't know how to fix it. So I blamed what I wanted. So there's also that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
So then they just think I'm walking around just furious all the time. It's two-dimensional. And then there's also a part of me that really hates the fact that I have been... so angry and had this temper and stuff. It was something I never wanted to be. It's something I grew up with. And, you know, you think to yourself, like, I'm not doing that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
There's a lot of stuff I've done. I look, I go, did I say that? You know, it happens.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I'm waiting for having said that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
That's the great thing about comedy. Well, I had a great time talking with you and I had a great time debating with you. And I really like you. Oh, even though we didn't line up on everything. But I like that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
All right. Thank you so much. I'll see you.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I'm not going to be like this person because they're making me feel bad as a kid. And then you grow up and you end up... It's the weird thing. In order to not be it, I think a lot of times you have to be it for a while. And it's weird. It takes somebody else in your life to let you know that that's how you're being because a lot of times you just dialed it down a little bit.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And to you, that means you've leveled off. Like where your normal is is not where normal people's normal is. So you're like, what? You know, I didn't throw a chair across the room. I'm an easygoing. I let stuff roll off my back. Yeah.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Everybody in my life. Everybody. People reviewing my act. My wife. You know, there's only, like, you can only argue your point, you know, for so long. I mean, when like a hundred people in the row are going like, nah, you know, you're pretty angry. You know, you got to be like, all right, I guess I got to look at this. But it's been like a...
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
a great thing but like I don't know I listen to people I try to anyway so when they come at me with something you know if it makes sense okay if it makes sense and I'm in an emotional state that I can actually hear somebody else which sometimes that might take a day for me to think about something
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I am the king of a day later being like, hey, you know, you know, that thing I was arguing last night. Yeah, you were right. I'm sorry. I just I don't know why. And, you know, it's the torture right now is I find myself in the moment now. knowing I'm wrong or knowing I should just stop this argument and it's not worth it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And I've gotten to the point that that voice is getting louder in my head, but I haven't been able to act on it in the moment. And that's what I'm working towards. I would love to be in the And just be able to stop in the middle of it and just be like, what are we doing? Life is flying by. This isn't worth anything. You know, this isn't worth it. Who cares? You know, something like that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
They would like me so they wouldn't hurt me.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Every way that you can be abused is what I'm talking about.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Oh, yeah. I got the trifecta.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I have the background needed to become a comedian. So, yeah. It just was... It's just how it was. And it's just the time I grew up in. And it was just the way it was. And there was a lot of it. There was a lot of it. I did not have a unique... I kind of feel like I had the standard, especially from, you know, talking to people. Or maybe I just hang out with too many comedians.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I don't know what, but we all kind of had a similar background. And, you know, when you go through stuff like that, you come out the other side. It kind of seems one of two ways. You either come out being like, I'm not doing that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And then what's funny is you overcorrect and you become super empathetic to the point you could end up in the trunk of somebody's car like, oh, I'll help you out, stranger, you know? Or you go the other way is like you become an abuser.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
So fortunately I didn't do that, but I have been guilty of being abusive, not realizing the effect that my behavior and my anger was having on the people around me because in my world, I wasn't as angry as what I saw growing up. So in my world, I wasn't angry. It wasn't a big deal. What I've actually found is that whole myth that you can't be happy and still be funny is a myth.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And what it actually does is it breathes new life into your act because you can now go back and revisit topics you've been to before and have a 360 perspective instead of like, like I always view like my standup, like the first 75% of my career is me standing on stage, pointing at the crowd figuratively, literally, or at whatever subject and,
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And I was always the guy that knew everything and da-da-da-da-da, you know. And the last, like, you know, six, seven years, whatever, I don't know. I've more been looking at my participation in whatever event is happening. So then all that does is it gives it this whole – it gives me way more – twice as many options, right? For the punchline now. I don't know. I feel lighter on stage lately.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I don't feel... You know, there was times I would even have good stats and I would get off stage and just feel like, God, what was that? What was that? That did not feel good. Even though the response was good, but it just kind of felt like... It just... It didn't feel good.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
It was gross. It was just dark, ugly, just pain and hurt, just coming out the wrong way, which is so funny because some of the comedians that I love the most, the way that they process their pain was a very empathetic sort of way, which I would say Richard Pryor was the king of that, where he just really had this ability of talking about...
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
his mistakes that he made in a way that you could see that it bothered him that he did some of these things. And it also made you root for him. Like I felt like that was the biggest thing I had as far as being a fan of his work was beyond finding it hilarious and jaw-droppingly brilliant was I found that I was rooting for him in his personal life
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
as he was going through all these marriages and divorces and problems with the cops and drug abuse and lighting himself on fire. He's just like, I don't know. I love the guy, and I was just hoping he was going to find peace.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Oh, no, no, verbally.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
OK, I'll give you a classic example of that was I my thing was I grew up and I saw men calling women all the time and I saw the looks on their faces and I saw it. So I made this rule in my head. I was never going to do that. And I never did it. I've never done that. And I've never done that to anybody. Buddy, I don't think – I've never done it in a relationship.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I could go in there by myself, okay? But if there's a cop there, I'm going to get pulled over. I'm going to get yelled at. I get a ticket and my insurance goes up. I am not allowed to do that.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I might have done it driving in a car. I'm sure I have.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I don't even think that's fair of me to say I have road rage. I have rage and now I'm in a car, so now it's on the road. I have road rage. I have kitchen rage. I have why do I have to check myself out at a CVS rage? I know I don't work here. You know what I mean? I love when they like giving you like a rough time, like you got to insert the chip.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
It's like, I'm sorry, I missed training day when I wasn't working here, getting paid. Or when they try to get all your information and then they go, you know, we don't share this with anybody. And you want to be like, you don't. You don't. This is my thing with politicians.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
The fact that the lack of privacy for the average American citizen, especially women, with the amount of women out there that have psycho ex-boyfriends, the fact that all of these stupid corporations are just allowed to do the things that they're able to do is beyond me.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And where my comedy act is right now is I'm trying to get regular people to stop yelling at each other and realize that it's a select few group of nerds OK, eating raw almonds and doing their stupid workouts and everything and just competing with each other to have the biggest infinity pool. And the rest of us are getting pushed down and they've they've they've politicized the whole stupid thing.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
However, I can still join the Klan. I could join the Ku Klux Klan and not get in trouble. I don't get yelled at. I don't get a ticket. No insurance goes up. I could drive down the highway in my Klan outfit as long as I had the mud flap up. I could say Grand Dragon on the front of the sheet. I could have a white power bumper sticker.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
And we're falling for it.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
That idiot Elon Musk. Oh, that guy like he's going to eat who evidently is a Nazi. Like, I just refuse to believe that it was an accidental two time Sieg Heil. And he does it at a presidential inauguration. This is why I hate liberals. It's like liberals have no teeth whatsoever. They just go, oh, my God, can you believe I'm getting out of the country?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I'm just like, you're going to leave the country because of one guy with dyed hair plugs and a laminated face.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Who runs who makes a bad car and has has an obsolete social media platform. You're going to leave this. Why doesn't he leave? Why hasn't he stopped? What are we so afraid of this guy who can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag?
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Why do liberals just sit back and they have nothing? What are you doing? This. Okay. This. You got to speak up about it. You don't just go like, oh, my God, what? Like, listen, first of all, it's like I'm a stand up comedian. It's not my friggin. I'm talking about like Democratic politicians. Where is their pushback? They're allegedly liberal. You see this guy do this thing.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
You know what the end result of this thing is, which all these neo-Nazis, not only they stupid because they're neo-Nazis, they don't even look at what Hitler did. He ruined their country. And this idiot is going to try to lead us down that road and then play it off and act like he didn't do what he just did. And you can get canceled as a comedian for doing a frigging Caitlyn Jenner joke.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
But this ass can can see Kyle and nothing. Where are all the liberals? Where are all of these these these these white chicks at the award shows that were speaking truth to power? Where are they? Why did they choose to go after comedians and not the Ku Klux Klan? How come they never got canceled? That's my whole problem with liberals.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
I just think it's a phony ideology where what they really do is it's a bunch of white chicks trying to fix their immediate area. Like they really took on entertainment because they were in entertainment and then they didn't do anything else.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
Exactly. Because you guys went in and you totally took control of the narrative. That whole Me Too thing was supposed to be about people with no power speaking to people with power and giving more people opportunities, which meant people of color. And then all of a sudden, white women jumped in and became like the biggest victims in the country. They were the ones that were being listened to.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
That's what that was what was weird to me.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
It doesn't surprise me on this station talking to a white woman that I would lose you.
Fresh Air
Comic Bill Burr On Musk, Magic Mushrooms & Healing From His Childhood
But then what did it become? What did it morph into? What did it quickly morph into? It then morphed into I don't like the topic of what you're discussing in your stand up act.
Fresh Air
After A Friend's Suicide, A Writer Inherits His Grieving Dog
Iris, I need to talk with you. It's about the dog. I wanted to ask if you could take him.
Fresh Air
After A Friend's Suicide, A Writer Inherits His Grieving Dog
This is what Walter wanted after he died. Why would he say that? You were his best friend.
Fresh Air
After A Friend's Suicide, A Writer Inherits His Grieving Dog
You might appreciate another perspective, you know, someone to bounce things off of.
Fresh Air
After A Friend's Suicide, A Writer Inherits His Grieving Dog
Young, energetic, and my daughter.
Fresh Air
After A Friend's Suicide, A Writer Inherits His Grieving Dog
And that's exactly what I'm trying to fix.
Fresh Air
After A Friend's Suicide, A Writer Inherits His Grieving Dog
Everyone knows that you fix things.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You'd be fucking hiccuping for two days in a row. They had her eat fucking Rolaids. And then this is the greatest thing ever. She eats the Rolaids. Then she feels good. And then they bring her a big slice of fucking chocolate cake, which I've also learned is. that chocolate will give you heartburn. So she's signing up.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Like, Rolaids, those sneaky motherfuckers are showing you we can cure heartburn and then we're encouraging you to eat more shit to get more heartburn so you buy more fucking Rolaids. Like, I really don't think the slice of chocolate cake was an accident. But I've been a little paranoid lately. So if you guys... Talk me off the fucking... the goddamn cliff here. But I was a little, you know...
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
bone that's all the fucking shit she could have had for dessert it's a giant i mean dude and this thing was like you know you could hold open a bank vault with this if you use that slice of cake as a goddamn doorstopper that's how big this fucking slice of cake was it was like a third of the cake you know and she had a look on her face like she was gonna do the whole fucking thing you know it wasn't like the thing arrived and there was like four forks which by the way i i don't like that
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I'm not a fan of that. When they bring the dessert and it's one fucking thing and then they just have four spoons sitting there. You know what I mean? It's like, what are we, swingers? You know, you're sitting there with another couple. What the fuck are we doing here? I get my own dessert. I'm over here with my wife. You're over there. We're not fucking, you know, touching spoons here.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Is it me or why do I feel like somebody's playing footsie under the fucking table and I don't know what's going on here? Hey, Bill, you got to relax, man. I'm just saying, what the fuck, you know? You want a dessert? You gave me your fucking desserts over there. Hey, Bill, you know, you just really wound up, you know? You know, people do that to you. It's the worst thing about having a temper.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
It's so easy for people to get out of their bullshit because, you know, you're making a scene. You know? Come on, you're making a scene. I wouldn't be making a scene if you weren't doing your fucking bullshit. I wouldn't be making a scene. All right? What was my moment before? Your bullshit. That's how the scene started. You're making a fucking scene. Am I ever going to see these people again?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I don't give a fuck. Look at them. They're all bored. They must be bored. They're over here. They're looking at me, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
So anyway... All right, to get you updated on Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. We have... Rehearsal is over. We've done our rehearsals. So now we have... We have some technical stuff to do. And then a week from today, March 10th, we go into previews. Previews last a couple of weeks. It's like preseason. Preseason football. And then the season starts September, except this starts March 31st.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And I don't know that I can really convey how excited I am to do this. It's weird because I've just been doing it, you know, going to work, doing the thing. And every once in a while, I just think like, you know, I think the magnitude of fucking doing a Broadway play, like this is fucking insane. This is something I've always wanted to do and I'm going to get to fucking do it.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
This is so fucking cool. Like I'm the same level excited I am. I remember years ago, we got hooked up. And we got tickets to go see Duke Carolina in Camden Indoor. And you just walk in like, I can't fucking believe I'm here. I cannot fucking believe that. That's Coach K right fucking there. And this is Duke Carolina. And I can't even hear myself think it's so fucking loud in here.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
This is unbelievable. Or like, I would say, the first time I went to an F1 race, I went in Montreal. And like the cars are celebrities. Oh, first time I saw MotoGP. The only time I saw MotoGP. When you're just looking at the... You're looking at the fucking bike. That's fucking... Marc Marquez was still on the Honda at that point, right? Which, by the way, that season started this weekend.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I kind of peeked and saw some of the results, so spoiler alert if you haven't seen it yet. I'm still hanging with my family, thank God. Having a great time with them. So I didn't get to watch it at some crazy hour, but here comes the spoiler stuff. I know Marc Marquez, who's now riding for the Ducati team. It's him and Pecco Benyae, and they are like, you know, I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
He was sort of the heir apparent when Mark got hurt. And now they're on the same team. And Mark, all of a sudden, you know, he won a few races. I would say he won at least one last year. He was also riding a Ducati, but it wasn't the factory Ducati. I still don't understand that. What does that mean? He's still riding a Ducati. Did they give him some, like, bootleg Ducati parts?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You're still getting Ducati parts. And then you have the factory team. Well, he's now riding for the factory team, which is going to create a Days of Thunder kind of thing. Because, you know, Pecco was the guy. And now you got Marc Marquez, who was the guy. And now that he's riding the best bike, arguably, is he the guy? Like, who's number one, right? What's going on here?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And everybody's sort of smiling and acting like everything's cool, but you know it's not. So all that means, it's got to be some fucking great racing, and at some point, those two are going to have to act like teammates, and does it happen? Because I remember Valtteri... Oh, God, I can't remember the F1 drivers. Valtteri Bottas. The Finnish guy was the teammate with Lewis Hamilton.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And he would do shit, you know, speed up, slow down, whatever the fuck he needed to do to help Lewis Hamilton. And at one point he was leading a race and he needed Lewis Hamilton to do something to him. And he was like, yeah, go fuck yourself. He ignored the team. And I was like, man, what do you got to win every fucking race? You know? He's bringing that CEO vibe.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
But I'm actually excited to see, like, Lewis Hamilton drive for Ferrari. How funny is it that he was wearing some T-shirt? Lewis Hamilton. This isn't funny. It's actually sad. Some T-shirt about, you know, I don't know, treating the common man with respect. And, you know, that's the billionaire sport. They're like, yeah, no, no. No T-shirts whatsoever.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
questioning what we're doing to the world imagine being a billionaire oh my god i'm speaking in inner uh instagram imagine fucking being in this house and you can't find your key um you're a billionaire and you're afraid of something on a t-shirt I mean, I guess that's how they get to where they're at, I guess, spinning shit. So they probably know the power of a billboard.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I looked them up. They're all like fucking slumlords and people were dying of tuberculosis as they built their fucking wealth. Cooper Hall was another fucking guy. If you see a statue of a Caucasian All right? And it's not military. It's not some regular fucking person that joined up and won the Medal of Honor. You know, an infantryman.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Maybe that's what it is. I don't know. But anyway, it's exciting to see Lewis Hamilton with Ferrari. I don't know. I'm an old school guy, so I love Ferrari. I just love fucking Italy. I get along with Italians. I like the way they live. The way they dress, their fucking food is crazy. The cars they like. I just, I get it. I get it, you know? So Ferraris are just, you know, works of art.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And to see, you know, arguably the greatest driver of all time driving the most iconic, for the most iconic team is pretty cool. So I'm going to try to make it to a race tomorrow. Maybe that Vegas one again, just to see Lewis Hamilton in a Ferrari. I think he's going to look good in that fucking car. It's still the best, the Ferrari fucking red. I mean, I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I kind of like, I like the red in, in racing. I like the Ferraris. I like the Ducatis, although they sort of changed the color. I think they made it less red or whatever, but I always liked it, you know, or Tiger would wear red on Sunday. you know, or in bike racing, you wear the yellow shirt cause you're the leader. Um, anyway, I'm babbling. I'm babbling after this cup of coffee.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
So anyway, I am ridiculously, I'm so fucking amped up to do this play and it's already flying by. I can't believe I've been out here for a month already. And, uh, I don't know. What I'm feeling right now, I want for all you guys that listen to this thing. I hope whatever the fuck you're going after, I hope you get it.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And you get to, I don't know, whatever the fuck it is you want to do, I hope you get to do it. I hope these assholes in these fucking stretchy suits will allow that. I still don't understand why they're not cooler. You got a billion dollars. There's no reason to have that look on your face. You won. At what point did you win? Oh my God. The shit you could do with that money.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And everyone would be chanting best shit ever. Best shit ever. You guys are best guy ever. I always go back to that Boston. He's a good shit. Oh yeah, guy. He's a good shit. Um,
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
best shit ever I just don't understand like I don't get it I don't get it I don't understand why if you had all of that money you would choose to try to get more money don't get it I don't look at comedians they're always making us out to be fucking assholes we do benefits all the fucking time All the fucking time. And I can tell you this because I run a fucking benefit.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
There is not one comic I fucking asked to say, hey, you want to do this Patrice O'Neill benefit? We're taking care of Patrice's mom. Fucking absolute. I don't give a fuck. I'll fly in. I'll put myself up. I don't give a shit. I'll do anything for that fucking guy. You know, I just don't understand these business people. They fucking hang on to every nickel. Hanging on too tight, man.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
What the fuck, kid? Why am I talking in an extra hard Boston accent? Because I'm reminiscent, dude. I'm recording this on March 2nd. March 2nd, 1992, at Nick's Comedy Stop on fucking Warrington Street down in the theater district. You know, where all the fellas hang out. Don't get me started, kid. They don't need to go to Dunkey's. They got enough sugar in their tank, huh?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
What movie was that? Was it Top Gun? You two characters are going to Top Gun. All right. Anyway, I think I babbled enough. I think I babbled enough. Could have said that 15 years ago on this fucking podcast. All right. Let me get the... What am I doing here? Let me get the rigamarole here. Let's get the fucking... Oh, it's funny. These were my notes. I didn't look at them. CEO douche.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Rolaids commercial. Mark Marquez. MotoGP. Alex Marquez. And then St. John's Seton Hall. Yes. I went to that game. I got tickets to the game because I thought it was out in... Oh, Christ. I always forget that coach's name. The guy with the sweaters. Hang on a second. I got it written down here. Hold on. Hold on. I'm not going to lie to you. Not going to lie to you. I'm looking it up.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
If it's someone sitting on a fucking horse on the statue, it's usually a pretty safe bet that some people suffered. And... You know, you look at that stuff. Oh, that was a different time and blah, blah, blah. And you look at it now, it's still going on. It's just it's done differently. I just got out of this. I'm going to get back to my 33 years in stand up. 33 years of shit jokes.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I'm looking at Carneseca Arena. I wanted to go out there. It's a little 6,000-seat basketball arena. But the last second, they switched it over to Madison Square Garden. So I was talking to one of the guys that ran it, and I was going like... You know, you got 6,000 seats out there. You already own the arena, or at the very least, you're paying the bank loan on it. All right?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You get all the concessions and all of that shit there. You move this game to Madison Square Garden. He goes, 8,500 seats. After 8,500, that's when we start making money. I'm going, yeah, because you got to pay to rent this place. And he goes, yeah. He goes, yeah, a lot of people don't know that. And I was to tell him, I was going, yeah, you know, you can make more money.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I would think, but I think it's like a good advertising thing for them. I don't know, it ended up being easy for me because I'm staying like...
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
on the Lower East Side when I'm out here so it was easy for me to fucking get over there to the easier than Queens but I haven't been all the way out in Queens for a while and I was kind of looking forward to take the subway going out there but uh I don't know I would love to do a stand-up show at St.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
John's in that arena but I really want to see a game I mean dude I'm fucking like hardcore Big East basketball fan from back in the day like You know, it's not what it was because of all these super fucking conferences and shit that they had. But I wore a sweater to the game, you know, to show my respect. And it was a whiteout game. And I didn't know Rick Pitino was coaching, which was awesome.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I had good seats and I could hear him yelling. At one point he's going, call the foul, call the foul. And I got to yell at Pitino, you tell him coach. I was all excited. It was a whiteout game, right? You got a free t-shirt and it was a Rick Pitino in an all white fucking suit.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And he came out in an all white suit, fucking Rick Pitino looking like Colonel Sanders who just bought a fucking kilo of cocaine and came in from South beach. Looked like a fucking gangster. It was great. And, uh, it was a really good game. Um, Seton Hall was playing great defense. It was really frustrating St. John's in the first half, and they couldn't get into a rhythm.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And then my favorite thing ever, there was a guy on Seton Hall, I swear to God, his first name was God's Will. And I'm like, that's just like, that's some fucking old school...
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
like sports shit there was always these great fucking back when it was you know the big east was the big east nfl football was it was just sports fans right and there was these crazy fucking coaches wearing sweaters the other guys munching on a fucking towel you know
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
big fat guys that you just, just look like people you didn't want to fucking run into flat tops, lunatics, fucking lunatics screaming and yelling at refs and all of that shit. And, uh, they would have names like, like world be free. They'd be always be like somebody random that would turn their name into something like that. So God's will. I love that name. Cause it reminded me of world be free.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Um, and when we used to go out on the playground, um, everybody had like their favorite play and somebody always liked World B Free. And another one of my buddies, I remember on the playground, he would always do the sky hook. He'd always do the sky hook. And as he did it, like fucking, what's his face? And along came Paulie. Instead of yelling white chocolate, he'd go, no, he'd do it.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And then if it went in, when he was going up the court, he would go, Kareem! Abdul! And then all his teammates would go, Jabba! Jabba! And it was weird. I was like a 76ers fan. I became one because I had this one shot I was hitting that day. And I was playing with older kids. Oh my God, I still remember this. It was so much fun.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
We were down, there was a little fucking blacktop next to a fucking blacktop court right next to a uh, you know, little, little league baseball diamond. And that's when like the infield was just fucking dirt, you know, it wasn't like the shit they have now. It's some bullshit fence. And then they all had like, sort of trying to be like the green monster and left just as a nod to Fenway.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
So the kid playing this dude, Mickey,
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
was his name, and I remember he was an older kid, and every time he hit a shot, he would go, Dr. J, J, J, so he kept feeding me outside, and he hit a couple outside shots, he started calling me Mo Cheeks, and that's how I got into the Dr. J, Daryl Dawkins, Mo Cheeks, and all of those fucking guys, Andrew Toney, and I really got into them, and then all of a sudden, you know, Larry Bird comes along, and the Celtics overnight
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I was just in this this fucking car and they had this magazine said Jet Set. And on the cover of the magazine is this fucking guy in like this blue suit. And he's got, he's like mean mugging. Like that's his, he's on the cover of a magazine. He's not smiling like, oh fuck, you know, this is great. He's mean mugging and all of this shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Good, like his second, I don't want to say his second year in the league. Magic won his first year. Bird won his second year. In 81, I want to say we were down, that's when we were down three games to one and came back against the 76ers. Billy Cunningham was the coach. Oh, those were the fucking days. Oh, those were the days. All right, I'm done babbling here. Let's get on to the reads here.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
But anyways, I really enjoyed the game. before I get into the reads and what I like about college sports is it reminds me like that hoop that I was watching St.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
John Seton Hall looked like what the pro game kind of used to look like it wasn't everybody raining people still took threes but it wasn't like crazy amount of threes they were working it into the big man you know what I mean um it's definitely you know all the influencer and one and all that was definitely in there and But it still looked enough like the old game.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And there wasn't a bunch of people fucking. There wasn't some DJ playing the entire time. So anyway. Oh, look who's here. My podcast, the lovely Neil. Like the old days. Like the old days. Yeah, I was telling him how excited I am to do this play, how much fun I've been having hanging out with you guys. Yes. And unfortunately, you came in right during a dry time.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I have to do the reads, but then why don't you come in for the questions like the old days? Okay, sure. Did you buy a big fuzzy hat, big furry hat?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I feel like I need to have some full length fur and walk you down the street. We're going to go watch Walt Frazier play at the fucking garden.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Yeah, recruiter. All right. If you're doing what you love to do, there's nothing better than being surrounded by people who love it as much as you. And if you own your own business, you want to hire employees who love what they do to boost the overall success of your business. Plus, make it a pretty great place to work. But how do you find passionate employees who are a good fit for all the roles?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I'll tell you how to do it. And zip. I know. I'm nuts. And right now. You can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com. ZipRecruiter is the hiring site employees prefer the most based on G2, whatever the fuck that is. How fast does ZipRecruiter smart technology start showing your job to qualified candidates? Immediately.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And these fucking CEOs, their egos are just out of fucking control. It's like, what is that look on your face? Are you fighting for the middleweight title? Are you on the next UFC? Are you a Green Beret? Are you in the fucking Marines? What is that fucking? You move numbers around. You put people out of business. You crushed the dreams of the little guy. What is that fucking look on your face?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
It was very good. It did. It drew you in. Oh, look. Okay. This is somebody sort of new to the podcast. Open phone. I don't know. It just seems like that's how you would deliver that line. Open phone. Like people, they don't know what they need and they're over in the corner and then there's just some big gay guy in the corner going, open phone. What's wrong with these breeders?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Running a small business means you're wearing a lot of hats. Yes, honey. Yes. We're here for it. Your personal phone becomes your business phone. And before you know it, you're juggling customers' calls day and night. As your team grows, it becomes impossible to manage with your personal number. That's where Open Phone comes in. Guys, Open Phone is the number one business phone system.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
It's affordable and easy to use. Whether you're a one-person operation or need help managing calls automatically or have a large team and need better tools for efficient collaboration, Open Phone is a no-brainer. Plus, they've won multiple awards by G2 for software reviews and are trusted by over 50,000 businesses.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
So I was mentioning that through being with you, you know, I've experienced different things.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Going to museums. Yes. Lemon pepper wings. Yeezys.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And the painting is Nighthawks. I said Nighthawks. I at least knew that. If you really like his paintings, or at least I did in the next episode, if you really like his paintings, I would also recommend George Bellows, known for his paintings of boxing matches. John, my screen is cracked here. Why is my screen cracked? Because I have emotional issues? I don't think so. Did you throw your phone?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
No, I used open phone.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
First of all, if you don't drop that fucking mothering tone, did you throw your phone recently? What if I did?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Is that what I said? Doing David Mamet dialogue. No, I... What happened was the case... No, see, the case got worn out, and then I got a little crack in it. Okay. And once I got the little crack in it, it just kind of kept going, and I drop it all the fucking time. Mm-hmm. Not like it's hot. I drop it like an idiot.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
It's fucking... It's hilarious. I get it. You got a watch collection. I don't understand. Listen. He's one of those fucking guys, you know, that has like a, you know, those those fucking business guys. They all memorize like a million quotes to justify what they're doing to everyone underneath them. You know, their favorite one is this is how business is done.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Sorry, I'm just trying to steer into the interracial moment here.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
What do you mean, what am I getting at? What did I say?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Oh, in museums.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
There we go. That's lemon pepper on top of lemon pepper. You know what that is? That's the black version of the wet burrito, which is the white version of Mexican cuisine. That's like, can you make me a burrito and then have some sort of small farm animal shit on top of it? It's fucking gross.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
It isn't. It's a diarrhea wrap. Dude, a wet burrito. It's fucking disgusting. Just the sound of it.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
No, so they're trying to help me out here. What I should look at. John Singer Sargent. Oh, listen to these old school names. Winslow Homer. Mother, I met a gentleman today who threw his pea coat over a puddle for me. Whatever was his name? Winslow. Winslow Homer. The National Gallery of Art has a couple paintings from each of these artists. I would recommend a visit next time you're in D.C.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Well, wouldn't that be great? I would love to go to the Pentagon City.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Pentagram City. Isn't that city like made when you watch those conspiracy people when they look at the roads?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I didn't know they had one of those. You know what?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
No, because I want to make the joke.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
The African-American.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Oh, I love ESPN zones. I go there all the time. Mr. White Man, we have accomplished things in other areas than fucking sports. Come on. That was a good joke. All right. Oh.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I'm going to read about it. Reading fucking questions on my podcast, yeah.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
He's a fucking shit. There's a guy who never took a night off.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Never took a night off.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I'll try this.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I did a... That's what she said. I did a... That's still funny to us, all right? We're an old married couple. Let us have our jokes. I did a show with him one time, and just his sound check... His soundcheck was better than the last song.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Why do you always have to do that? Why do you have to do that?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Because it's obnoxious.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Because I grew up Catholic.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
No, but you have to do that because if you don't, we're going to take credit for it.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I still think it's an overcorrection that you guys are taking credit for mac and cheese. It's just fucking, you put cheese on pasta and then baked it in the oven.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I had to listen to an eight-minute story about a guy who came up with a side dish. He came up with a fucking appetizer.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And they quote the art of war and all of this shit. And they got like that thing like back in the day when when when people used to give drug dealers shit and drug dealers. If I didn't fucking do it, somebody else would do it. Right. They have all of those things to justify what the fuck they're doing. Oh, well and good. But don't have a fucking look on your face like, you know.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Oh, God. It's the fucking edamame of pasta.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I'm not dumb.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Yeah, no, you are. I'm being, all right.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Oh, there you go. There you go.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
That's all the racist idiots.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And then they sent, you know, there's actually people listen to this podcast. They listen to this thing and then send racist shit to my wife. I mean, talk about like the most ballest sack of a fucking human being that you would fucking do that. anonymously. And then anytime you look at the accounts, it's always like some anonymous fucking pussy.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
They're just fucking... They're just inherent... Racists are just inherently cowardly fucking people. Cowardly fucking people. They just... They are... They're a part of society and God made them and that's why I don't believe in a loving God. Okay? I'm not listening to this. Oh, they're listening to the devil. No, no. You didn't tighten the fucking screws down. Okay?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You didn't have the right fucking... whatever tool that you needed. You fucking jerry-rigged it and you went back to your fucking hammock.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
But it's true though. He's traumatized.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
God. That's why he's still creating. He's still, the universe is still expanding. That is classic traumatized. I don't want to turn around and look at the fucking past. I just got to keep moving forward. Hey, you left something in your hotel room. I don't give a fuck. Just get me to the airport. I'll buy something. I'll buy another one when I land. That's how he operates.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And he's going to judge me? Hey, buddy, you made me. Welcome to your mistake.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Yeah. That's what it looks like when you're doing two movies at the same time and one of them you had to lose 90 pounds for.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
He was doing the Dallas Buyers Club.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Yes. And I can't imagine what his work schedule was. Wild. So he was doing that to keep his fucking energy up.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Yeah. And I guess Matt and Scorsese liked it and said, do that in the scene. And then you got that scene. Fucking movie magic right there. All right. All right. Four Nations Tournament. Hey, Billy Bruin Slappy, I love and look forward to the podcast every Monday and Thursday, but I think your assessment of the Four Nations face-off tournament is off-base.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Like you were pinned down, taking fucking fire or whatever, you know? I don't know. Maybe he's a veteran. I have no idea. Maybe he fought. I have no idea. But just seeing a guy in a fucking suit looking at me, you know? Like he doesn't make his money like hitting a keyboard. Like I don't understand it. I think that's like... Everybody has sort of co-opted the let's go, let's fucking go attitude.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
The tournament was one of the smartest things the NHL has done in years. Look, I'm not saying a bunch of people didn't watch it. I'm saying it's fucked up that it was playing as a one elimination tournament, but you could still play your way in and then have the same record as the person you beat in the final. And then you're the champion, but they lose. I just thought that was weird.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Anyway, I was a massive fan of the Red Wing teams that dominated in the 90s and early 2000, but started to fall out of love with the sport after the NHL canceled two seasons within the span of a decade. Yeah, that was really bad for the league. This tournament, I was going to say you stopped watching because your team stopped winning, but that's not true because you won another one.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I want to say 08, played the Penguins, and then the next year, 09, you won it. That's right. Right, Nia? No, Penguins won it the next year. All right. Plowing ahead. NHL canceled two seasons within the span of a decade. This tournament went a long way in reigniting my interest in hockey. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I'm really just talking that Canada gets to walk around and say we're the champions when they went one and one against the team that they beat. Meaning my country. It consisted of four teams, the United States, Canada, Finland, and Sweden. And it sucks that Russia couldn't field a team due to Putin being a cunt.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
The four teams played each other in a round-robin format where each team played each other once. Teams were awarded three points for a regulation win, two points for an overtime. I know, okay. At the end of the round robin portion of the tournament, a single game winner takes all final was played between the two teams with the most points, which happened to be the United States and Canada.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Yeah, it's a stupid, stupid. However you do those numbers. What's stupid is we beat Canada and then had to play them again. You weren't going to beat that team twice, any more than they were going to beat us twice. But because they won the second game, they're the champions and we're the runners-up. It's stupid. And it's classic NHL hockey because nothing they do makes fucking sense.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Nothing they've ever done has fucking made sense. There's always something weird about it. And no one ever can quite get their head around the fucking sport. And then you do shit like this.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I don't know any other fucking, like, if you watch March Madness, it's not like you beat a team in the final four and then they get to play another game and then somehow make it to the championship game and then you got to fucking beat them again. But if you lose to them, that they're then the champion. It's either one and done and you're fucking out or not.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
That whole point system and all that, I think it's bullshit. It's fucking bullshit. It just... I just don't agree with it. That's all. I understand. I'm glad it got you back into it. Anyway, the hype surrounding the final was unlike anything I've seen in years and was watched by 9.3 million people in the U.S., making it the fourth highest rated NHL telecast of all time.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Listen, I'm not arguing whether it was a ratings getter. I'm just saying it's bullshit. Of course, it's almost impossible to beat Canada twice. Yeah, hence the point system. But the game did go into OT and lived up to the hype, in my opinion.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I'm looking forward to the NHL putting on this tournament in the future, especially when you compare it to the watered-down nonsense the other three major sports leagues give us when it comes to their respective All-Star games. I think even the most casual fan would agree with me. Well, at the end of the day, that's just your opinion.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And if you had a stronger opinion, you wouldn't have to drag in these invisible people who don't get a chance to weigh in and then say that they would agree with you. Thanks for all the laughs. Go wings and go puck yourself. All right. I'm glad it got you back into hockey. But I'm just saying, like, you know, Canada has always dominated hockey.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And when we fucking beat them, it's a big fucking deal. And to have this fucking, you know— T-ball do-over bullshit that they get and then they have the same record as us and then they're the fucking winners and we're the runners-up is bullshit. I'm just saying it's bullshit. And Canada right now should be chanting, we're one and one. We're one and one. That's my point. I stick by it.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
They try to apply it to their job, even though it's not like a let's fucking go job. Let's fucking go. We're down by eight, you know, with fucking three minutes to go. I'm playing football. I'm fucking, you know, whatever, you know. Something's on the line here. Not this stupid business shit. I don't know. I find that shit funny to me. Whatever. I don't know anything about it, but like.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I'm not saying it wasn't successful, but either have it be a sudden death elimination or have the final be best two out of three. One team has to win more games than the other fucking team if you're the champion. Or you just do, you know, you lose, you're out, like March Madness. We have a point system. If you win a regulation, you get three points. If you win a regulation, you get two points.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
If you fucking have black tape instead of white tape on your stick, you get one point. Last week's guy with busted bumper. Oh, my God. My wife fell asleep during the podcast.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You literally fell asleep.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Look what happened. I started talking sports and you went sleepy time. I'm going to try that the next time you ask me to do some shit I don't want to do. I'm just going to explain that fucking hockey tournament. All right. Last week's guy with busted bumper. Dear Billy Billionaire Ball Buster. You should all be doing it. Because those fucking assholes are not Republicans or Democrats.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
They own both fucking parties. What do you fucking call me? A few episodes ago, you read a letter from a guy in a Subaru whose car was bumped into in a parking lot, resulting in a silver dollar-sized crack in his bumper. The dude said he was willing to take care of things outside of insurance, and you told him it was a bad idea. You should always call your insurance. No, no, no, no, no.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
That's not what I meant. I meant when that guy was being all shifty and shady. That's what I meant. I didn't, as usual, what I was saying, what I was thinking, and what I was saying are two things. No. No. But this is going to bring. Yes. Thank you. Are you awake now? You're awake now to criticize me. Fantastic.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
What I don't understand about insurance is if it isn't my fault and I put in the claim, my insurance still goes up. So I find every time there's something wrong with my car, I just pay to fix it anyway. So why do I have insurance? All right. Aren't these the same parasitic insurance companies that leech off the working class and make billions? Yes.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
All of these toxic insurance companies spend tens of millions of dollars just on Super Bowl ads alone. Fuck those rich assholes. I'm with you. I was 100% sure you were first, when you first started reading it, that you were going to tell the guy to go fuck himself. It's a tiny little crack in the bump. No, because he didn't do it. Somebody bumped into him of the car.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You know, the part of the car that's built to absorb damage like this. Wait a minute. Are you the guy who ran into the Subaru? You really seem to be blaming the victim here. So I was pretty shocked when you went right to shilling for insurance. I wasn't shilling for insurance. He didn't do anything.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And what I was saying was once that guy acted shady, if I remember correctly, the person was like, hey, let's not run it through the insurance companies. And the guy was like, OK, cool. It was just the way he wrote it. I sensed the other guy wasn't going to be an honest guy and he was going to get away from it. And I wasn't sure if any sort of there's some sort of time limit to make the claim.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I didn't know how that worked. I don't because I don't understand that aspect. That's what I was saying. I was certainly not shilling for insurance companies. All right. So I don't know. So you're upset with me for being confusing. I wasn't shilling for them. Let's be honest.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Most people who want to work around insurance are only doing it so they can pocket some extra cash or maybe keep the cash and not get the repair done, which has been my experience. So I guess if this guy has such a hard-on for the bumper of his suit, I don't know why you're blaming the guy that got rear-ended.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Then yeah, take it to the parasitic insurance company, pay your deductible, and move on with your life. Oh, is that what you have a problem with? Sir, I feel like you rear-ended somebody that ran it through their insurance company, and because you were staring at your phone, you're now trying to make me out to be some shill for fucking insurance companies. You know what?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You know what the problem is? You and I don't communicate well because I don't quite understand what you're saying either. Or better yet, this person goes on to say, have some grace and empathy for the other working dude, folks. Parentheses, like it sucks the guy didn't have $1,500, but who knows what kind of shit they're going through.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Just cool it about your stupid bumper that someone is charging way too much to fix. Yeah, this is like a new thing where people just sort of like, you know, you're blaming the person who didn't do anything. They were sitting there by themselves and the other person. How about this? How about don't rear end somebody? If we're going to do that. How about don't run into the back of my fucking car?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
These fucking CEOs now, and it's funny, now they're like working out and they have like these fucking breathable suits that they wear, you know, and you have a handful of raw almonds, you know, to keep the metabolism going and your brain clear so you can make the right decision.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
How about pay attention? How hard is it in broad daylight to not drive into the fucking bumper of the guy in front of you? I can tell you this. In my... How fucking old am I? 50s? My 42 years of driving, I've never rear-ended somebody. The only thing I ever did is way back... In the 90s, I was driving a stick and I pushed in.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I had the clutch in and I took my foot off the brake and I wasn't paying attention. And I rolled half a mile an hour into the front bumper of the guy behind me. And I still remember his face and he fucking beeped at me. I still do remember that. Okay, and I can tell you this. If he wanted to pull over, I would have paid for whatever I did to his bumper.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I mean, I was going like, I mean, it was literally like I took my foot off the brake, 1,001, 1,002, ding, and I fucking bumped into him. But if he wanted to pay it, I wouldn't be mad at him. I wouldn't be like, hey, I mean, that's what bumpers are for. I wouldn't say that. I would be like, sorry. I fucked up. Anyway. Anyway. Plowing ahead. I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
This reads like you just fucking ran into somebody. This person. Anyway, love you. Love the show. Me and the wife just booked our trip from Detroit to see Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. I just hope I can see good enough without the spotlight bouncing off your shiny bald ginger head blinding me. Go fuck yourself, you cunt. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I think if you and I were actually sitting down, we would actually agree with each other. I just don't think we communicate well together. You know, podcast and then email. It's just not working out. Anyway, models. Oh, yeah. Somebody bought me a model. Did I tell you that, Nia? Todd Packer bought me a car model.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Like you get it like Hobby Town back in the day.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
The right decision, like, you know, so I can fucking crush all of these people and knock down all the places where they live so I can build a big fucking glass thing that people can wash money in. You see this look on my face? That's the fucking mentality. You need to fucking... It'd be funny in the future. Do you think they're going to name a subway stop after the Facebook guy?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Is that what you mean? Why? I guess I do. More like old man, like building a ship in a bottle.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
That type of stuff.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Oh, all right. Okay, sorry. Well, you haven't been chiming in. What am I going to chime That was an empty cell phone case. Right on the butt cheeks. Right on the butt cheeks. Models. Dear Bill the Modeler Burr. Long time listener from Greece. All caps. I fucking knew it. Every time I hear you talking about muscle cars, et cetera, I always thought that you would be into building scale models.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I myself used to build them as a kid. But as a child, I did not have the patience to make them look good. This is exactly like me. Fast forward to 2021. During COVID, I reentered the hobby by building a tiny Spitfire model. That's so cool. I actually think it's really cool. That was it. I was hooked. Since then, I've built more than 50 models, mainly World War II airplanes.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You know what it is, Nia? It's good, clean fun. And you're not on your phone. You know, you're kind of at peace. I'm saying this.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Do you play with? No, it's not like. No, no.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You build it.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You fucking build it. Men come... You're absolutely right. Look, look, look, look, look. When they build your fucking business, you can't turn around and... Men come work for you. Yep. Sorry, she's been running lines with me. No, it's a... It's this super car nerd thing that you do, but it's solitary. It's peaceful. It's like smoking a cigar, but you can't get cancer. Cigar. Cigar. Yeah, I know.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
It's from all those years of smoking. Yeah, so I just feel like my buddy got it for me because I'm fucking alone in New York. If you had a heart underneath your fuzzy fucking Jamerico hat. At first I had to. First, you know what it is? I'm excited to build it and you're already making me feel stupid. Can you just wait? Are you going to play with it?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Are you going to put a little hat with a propeller on it, you fucking little douche? How much fun have we had hanging out, though? We've had so much fun. We have, all right?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
All right. Just want to say that for sure. And then, like, the racists are going to be like, she made him say that. Yeah, I made him say everything. Yeah, you did. You write my jokes. I write your jokes. You write my jokes. I have no fucking say in this relationship.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I used to be funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all these big, bold people, none of them. None of them. You don't know their name. You don't see their faces. They're all fucking pussies. At first, I used a brush to paint them. But after a couple of models, I purchased an airbrush. Oh, you got into it. And the results were so much better.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Don't be discouraged if your first model is not great looking. There's a pretty big learning curve that will challenge your patience and anger issues. Yeah. Yeah. Once you get the hang of it, assuming you stay with the hobby, you will be surprised of how fast you can improve. I'm currently building a 70s Plymouth Hemi Cuda while listening to your podcast. That's so fucking cool.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
It's the best way to isolate myself from everything else and have a good time. Yeah, and you're not doing any damage to your body. Some quick tips. The difficult part about car models is achieving a nice, glossy, spotless finish. At first, I would recommend using spray cans for painting and varnishing the body. Wow, dude. Now I got to get a fucking mask. I'm in a New York apartment here.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And a paintbrush for the interior. Always use a primer and have a pretty big Tupperware in order to store the model while the paint dries to keep it dust free. See, now this is just getting intimidating to me. I don't want to do all of this. There is so much info I want to share, but it cannot be contained in a single email.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
There are a lot of great YouTubers and communities on Reddit, model makers that can provide answers to all your questions. Here's a couple of my latest models, a Ducati 916. Oh, I saw that, the motorcycle, and a 69 Camaro SS. You know what I liked about the Camaro is the way you painted it. It looked like... It had already been purchased and driven around. And I mean that in a good way.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Or the Twitter guy? The nerve of the fucking Twitter guy walking around the government going, justify your fucking job. Dude, justify your fucking wealth. Justify what you pay other people. Justify what you're doing to people. Why don't you justify your fucking bullshit first? Jesus Christ, turning the country into an episode of Shark Tank. Um. I don't know what it is. I'll be honest with you.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I'm not saying he did a bad job painting it, but it looked really cool. Thank you for your comedy and your podcast. I wish you the best. You and your family take care and go glue yourself. Here's the thing. What I really want to do next after I build this car is... There was this guy that made these fucking... engines. You can literally build an engine.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
It's like a one-eighth scale, whatever the fuck it is. You can literally build an engine. And I've always been too fucking intimidated. I've dealt with the outskirts of the engine. I've never even attempted to take off the valve covers and get in there. And to do like – to just build one, to scale, to just increase that knowledge. And you can literally put fuel in them, start them up.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
There's cooling. It's like a fucking engine. Like this guy used to – he had a fire at his factory yesterday. And it killed his business. But you could literally buy like a flathead V8. And it was funny. It sounded like a flathead V8 with a little bit of helium in it, you know, and it was just so fucking cool. I would love to do that.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
If anybody knows, you know, the person that's making the best one of those, because I've seen a few on like Instagram. And it's like the engines, you know, that literally run, it's like 36 bucks. I'm like, that must be all plastic. I want like a metal, like you could put this thing in something and you could drive around. Like a real fucking engine, just super small.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I would love to find something like that if you guys could recommend it. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. And I will talk to you on Thursday.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I have not seen a Republican or a Democrat in fucking over 10 years. It's been a long fucking time. Longer than that. I think like the last sort of like, you know, if you look at it like tennis, the pre-open era and you went to the open era of championships, I would say George Herbert Walker won.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
was the last ones before then the open era became was the Clintons were somehow Democrats um and then George W was somehow a Republican not a bunch of oil men they were Republican I don't I don't know I don't fucking know I just wish there was more you know I don't know Jimmy Carter man Jimmy yeah you can't get mad at that fucking guy You know what I mean? Maybe you can't. I have no idea.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Guy's president, keeps us out of wars, doesn't take the bait over in fucking Iran, leaves office, builds houses for the homeless until he's almost 100. I mean, that's what the job's supposed to be, right? A public servant? Isn't that what it's supposed to be? Not supposed to be lining? All right, I got to get off this shit. I don't even watch the fucking news.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I don't even watch the fucking news and I can't stop talking about this shit. I can't imagine actually sitting there
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
looking at that shit so let's get to something sillier i watched um i was watching tv because like most people i don't read anymore like tv is the new reading just the fact that you're not scrolling on your phone like wow you're an intellectual you can actually sit down and watch an entire episode without your brain flying away which i can't necessarily do um
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You know what I'm saying? That's how people talked when I started. It was worse than that. That's how they started. That's the way they talked. That's the way they believed when I started stand-up comedy 23 years ago. Toity Toit. That's actually New York. I only heard one guy ever say that.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
especially because I always watch old movies and shit. And I don't know why I am obsessed with finding out everybody in the movie to see if they're still alive. And if they're not alive, when they died and what they died of. And then I have to pause and rewind and go back. And I am just, I am watching some fucking crazy movies. I just, let me make sure I got this, the name of this movie, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I watched race with the devil. Um, And there was this amazing era in cinema where you could end a movie on a freeze frame. You know, I actually looked it up afterwards because this movie ends on a freeze frame. No Jake Isles. I'm talking like cinema.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
ends on a freeze frame and I was trying to think I remember Hooper ended on a freeze frame actually ended with Burt Reynolds breaking the fourth wall looking right into the camera after he punches the director the fake director not the real director of the film punches him in the face turns around and gives the okay sign the fucking Burt Reynolds laugh and it just freeze frame and they rolled the credit and that was like
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
That was the thing. I remember I didn't remember. I looked up a list of movies that ended on a freeze frame and one of them. And I was so. Like pissed when it happened was Rocky three ends on a freeze frame of Rocky and Apollo are getting in the ring and they're just going to fucking fight. And right as they're about ready to hit each other, it freezes. And they said it.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You're going like, oh, my God, this is the greatest epilogue ever. We just saw it. He came back. He beat Clubber Lang. Right. And now he's going to go at it. With the Apollo Creed, I want to see this. And it didn't happen. I think even Hollywood knew, you know. They're like, we can't have a white fighter beat two black guys in a row.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Like, I don't think... So let's just... After he beats up Clubber Lang, we're going to freeze frame on the Apollo Creed thing. Anyway, that was actually the first Rocky movie that I saw. And then I think I went back and I saw... I might have gone three, two, one, and then saw Rocky IV. I think that's how I did it. I did Star Wars like that. No. No.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I saw Empire Strikes Back first, and then I saw Return of the Jedi. No, I think I saw Star Wars before that, because I want to say they would put it back out to get people caught up if you missed them. And I got to admit, I always found the first Star Wars, when they were in the desert, I found it really boring. And I sort of zoned out. But I really liked the next one.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I was on the downtown 6 train and the guy running the train back when it was an actual person as opposed to just some fucking computer thing.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Empire Strikes Back was cool. You know, the frozen tundra with the AT-ATs and all that shit. And then a lot of people didn't like the Ewoks. I liked the Ewoks with those fucking sleds flying through the trees. I mean, that was amazing. when they did the first person, when you were in the movie theater, that, that was incredible.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I mean, I know now your seat vibrates, you know, and they have some immigrant with a hand fan in your face. So your hair moves or whatever the fuck they do with these things. Uh, they paid him $2 a month. Um, sorry, I just had a fucking cup of coffee. So I'm, I'm a little wound up on this one. Um, Anyway, but yes, I've been watching these crazy movies. I finished, I watched two movies this week.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
They were both car movies. What was the other one? And then after I finished that race with the devil, I saw this movie I never heard of called The Outfit. with Robert Duvall, pre-Godfather, and it's a mafia movie. And, uh, I text a buddy of mine who I really respect his, you know, knowledge of movies. He goes, that's a great fucking movie.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
You know, and it's also my wheelhouse, like 1973, just these amazing fucking cars. Um, I'm on the lookout for, uh, a daily driver. Um,
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
i sold my jaguar my mechanic told me he goes do me a favor just just do me a favor can you can because these cars are not made right all right and it was funny and that was after i spent all the money i didn't feel bad you know when i sent i sold it because i feel like i took the hit and the car is going to be good for at least another 30 000 miles but um My mechanic's the shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
And he, like, you know, when he did the final big repair on it, he was just like, do me a favor, get rid of this car. He goes, you see that over there? That's a Range Rover. That's a 2019 Range Rover with 55,000 miles on it. The owner loves the truck, so he's doing this. It's $25,000 worth of repairs right now. Because that engine sucks. Your car basically has the same fucking engine in it.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I go, get the fuck out of here. The Jaguar. And he goes, just trust me. He goes, you can change the fucking oil. I don't give a shit. This thing is going to shit the bed. And you're going to, you know. So I was like, all right. You know, this is good for me. I hold on to shit. Even if it's not working to me. I stay in shit. Just like, you know, I learned that growing up.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
I saw all these sad housewives with these fucking... miserable guys that they married and they fucking hung in there. I learned a lot having a paper route. You'd go into a house and you could feel it if the relationship was working.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
you i didn't even realize i was just stumbled upon that yeah there was like certain houses you were excited to go to they were happy they had the heat fucking cranking people were in a good mood you know and then there was other houses you would be like one light on you'd be like oh fuck here we go this fucking guy oh jesus you know what i mean just like tension you know
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Some houses felt like an after party and other houses just felt like, you know, coach is going to lose his fucking job. So anyway, I don't even know what my fucking point was there. But isn't that the point of this podcast? It's just rumbling, bumbling, stumbling, rambling bullshit until I do a fucking hour. Oh, I was going to say, so I saw this Rolaids commercial.
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
Anyways, 33 fucking years of not having a real job. Bumming around, traveling, doing all this bullshit. Having a great time. I did this secret stand-up show, whatever the kids call it. In a barbershop in Astor Place, the Astor family, you know, anytime something is named after a family, you know that a lot of people suffered. Right. I remember I started looking up Astro. Who's the Astros, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
F1, American Artists, Car Insurance | Monday Morning Podcast 3-3-25
This lady's eating this giant fucking meal. And then she gets heartburn. And she's sad. Oh, God. She's got this look on her face. They give her some Rolaids. Right? You got heartburn. What do you do? Yeah, eat some root vegetables. Lay off acidic food. Lay off the coffee. Gee, Bill, how'd you learn this? Yeah. Don't have balsamic vinaigrette and fucking coffee three days in a row.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Yeah. What's going on? How are you? Hope you're having a good week. Hope everything's going good your way and whatnot. I have an exciting announcement.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
How many years did I cheat on my taxes? What are we talking about? What exactly I did versus what you did? By the way, you made me, so I'm your fuck-up, right? This is another one of your mistakes. I don't think you get that far in the discussion. Oh, my God. What if God's a narcissist and he just blames you for fucking everything? Well, they kind of do that, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
He was definitely an absentee father, huh? I don't know. Just a lot of it. A little bit of that up there. Anyway, so I went for a walk last night. When I walked up to the... The Upper West Side Comedy Club, great fucking place. Amazing restaurant above it, right around the corner from the Beacon Theater.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And because I'm going to be here for so long, and I have this gig, and I have Sunday nights off, I'm kind of thinking like, you know, there's a whole bunch of shit that I've never seen in New York. Like, I've never gone to a show at the Beacon Theater. I've done shows there, but I've never sat in the crowd. So I'm going to try to find a good show to go there.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I've done a show a long time ago, something for Dennis Leary, I want to say. I can't remember what it was. It was at Lincoln Center. Never been in the crowd. I kind of got that because I went to that SNL band thing, and I got to sit in the crowd at Radio City Music Hall. And I was just like, this is fucking amazing. You know, sit down and just watch all of this talent go up there and destroy.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
This is fun. I used to do this before I became a whore and became one of the fucking idiots up there. You know, I used to go to shows and I had a good goddamn time. I want to do this. So, um, You know, because you know what? You know a thing that every Monday night, Les Paul, rest his soul, used to play at this open mic just because he loved playing. He didn't need the money.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
He didn't need to do it. He just did it. And it was this little ass bar and he could go down there and he would just fucking wail all night long. Les Paul, the guy who created the best looking guitar ever. The most beautiful fucking guitar ever created, in my opinion. The Les Paul.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
he created it, and he mastered it, he was an unbelievable guitar player, and then famous guitarists every once in a while would drop in, and it was, I swear to God, where my apartment was, I could have walked there in 15 minutes, and I was, every Monday night, I think he did it, and I was like, I gotta get over there, I gotta see that guy, I gotta get over there, I gotta see that guy, I gotta get over there, I gotta see that, I never did, and I never did, and then he passed away, and I was like, I'm a fucking idiot.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And I didn't because I was running out doing fucking spots. Which I know, I had to do what the fuck I had to do. But still, he could have taken one night off to see Les Paul with like 80 people. The fuck was I thinking? I wasn't. So when I first got here, you know, Josh Adam Myers took me to go see Paul McCartney and seeing him in there, it just...
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
ignited this thing in me that has been dormant since I used to go to metal shows in the 80s before I became a comedian, which, by the way, my 33rd fucking anniversary of my first time on stage ever, ever is coming up. I cannot believe it. Unbelievable. It's just flown by. Absolutely flown by. I thought it freaked me the fuck out. I remember Mickey Mantle passing away. I was 27. He was 63.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I mean, you're 27. 63 seems like a long way away. I'm turning 57 this year, and I'm like, Jesus Christ. That guy was born in 1931. I was born in 1968. This guy had a 37-year head start on him, and I am now... He was almost 64, so I am only seven years away from how old he was when he passed away. What the fuck? What happened? Where did it all go? I don't know. Anyway, plowing ahead here, I...
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You guys remember Todd Parker? Todd Parker, he came on my Thursday podcast. He wrote a book, a great book, which what the fuck is it? What the hell was it called? God damn it. Billionaire something or other. He's going to kill me for this. Whatever. He came on my podcast and he wrote this great book. I've known him. My first time ever doing stand-up, it was a contest and he was one of the judges.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
It's always my favorite thing every year. It's like a... i don't know it's like a high school reunion i get to see all these comics i never get to work with now because i live in la and then i also get to see young up-and-coming comedians that were influenced by uh patrice's body of work so there you go that's that oh here's something i forgot to bring up on the monday morning podcast um
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
So I have a running joke that I never forgave him because I didn't win that night. And believe me, I did not deserve to win. He didn't do anything wrong. So anyway, he sent me as a congratulations for doing Broadway. And he knows I'm out here missing my family and stuff. He goes, I took a chance on this. I don't know if you're into it or not.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
So I'm looking at it going like, that's too big to be a book. Unless he wrote like a fucking encyclopedia or a phone book. This is huge. And I unwrapped it and it was a model of one of those Hemi cars that I have not built one of those since I was a kid. Like literally like, you know, you opened it up and everything was white and And then, you know, he had the grid with all the parts on it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
He gave me paint, the paint brushes, the glue, everything. And you could have seen the ear-to-ear grin that I broke into. It was like, oh my God, this is fucking amazing. Because I remember I was like too impatient. I'd start gluing shit together before I finished painting. I would paint the shit after I took it off. And I had fingerprints on it and everything.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And for whatever reason, just thinking back to it, going like, I should have painted all the parts first, let them dry, you know, then put all the decals on, let it dry or whatever. I don't know what you're supposed to do, when you're supposed to put the decals on or whatever. And then put it together and followed the steps. And I was always impatient.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I'd start... They always made you start with the engine and I was bored shitless with it. I wanted to get to the car and I would skip steps and all of that. I just, you know... I was an idiot. Like doing standup is the only thing I was ever fucking good at. Right. I just sucked at everything else. So now I get the chance to kind of redo that.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And, um, I cannot wait to like, you know, I'm going to wait till we're done with rehearsals and we start doing the show when I have the time. And, um, I was telling him like, like, because I kind of need something to replace cigar smoking, because I don't even think about smoking cigars anymore, but I do miss the quiet and the solitude of doing it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And I equated it with the smoke, and it really wasn't. It was just that, you know, you can only smoke in a few places, so you just kind of had to sit there and, you know, If I was smart enough to not have my phone on, if I just sat there, it was a really nice sort of reset. You know, you look at your life, you think of all this bullshit that doesn't mean anything.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You start to think about the stuff that matters, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that. And I'm thinking like maybe making these cars is a good way to fix that. So then I don't go back because I really don't feel like going back. I do enjoy a cigar, but I think I've had enough.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
to get enough of them um you know I don't know there's other things to do uh so anyway let me let me do uh do I have any reads I don't think I have any reads I do not I do not have any reads I do not in fact have any reads to do um so anyway um still been hitting the gym stomach is coming down
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I'm still like, just cannot believe when I sit down and I just look at the damage I've done and I've took a lot off already. You know? And it's still a fucking shit show. You know, it's easy to look good with clothes on, especially if you're wearing a peacoat over the clothes.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You look great. It's like I'm wearing 600 pounds of clothes right now. Of course I look like I'm fucking in shape. Um, so, uh, yeah, I got a fucking, like if I was a car, you know, there's no way I would be at the Mecham auction. No fucking way. This is something you pull out of the woods, you know, and then, you know, whatever you want, you get half of that.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
fucking engine block is seized, um, engine block, the fucking engine is seized, um, anyway, um, oh, speaking of that, I saw, like, uh, I saw this really fucking cool car, and it was an Australian Ford from the 1970s, it was sort of like, there, it was like a Lando, or something like that, L-A-N-D-A-U, or something, and, uh, It just looked like it was made out of leftover parts.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You know, my whole life, they've always wondered why hockey wasn't popular. How come it was always a distant fourth? You know, I can't see the puck. It doesn't translate on TV. I love they fucking saying that, but they got women's lacrosse with that cameraman. How about you zoom in once every fucking while? My eyes are fucking too old to watch that sport. But anyway...
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Like the rear end looked like the back of the Mercury Monarch or the Ford Granada. Had like those brake lights. And then the front, it looked like the grille off of like a mid-60s Lincoln Continental. And then the body was sort of like a mid-size or sometimes a two-door coupe body. It was really weird. It had like a bench seat. It's kind of a cool car.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Dude, Australia and then also Latin America has American cars that you don't even know fucking existed. Last time I was in Australia, which was 2015, 10 fucking years ago. I used to go there every couple of years and then I had kids. And I don't know, there's just something about being that far away from them and in a different hemisphere. It just kind of freaks me out.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
But they're getting older, so I got to get back there. But I went down there. Last time I was there, I got there on Australia Day, which is basically like their fucking 4th of July. And, you know, Australians get after it. They don't need an excuse. And I landed the day they had an excuse, and I got out there 14 hours to Sydney from L.A. and then flew another six hours to Perth.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And me and Nia landed, and they were just fucking drinking and driving and just... It looked like Massachusetts... on like a Saturday night like Boston, like in the 80s, back when I was fucking going down there with the Combat Zone and all the college kids and then the fucking Southie Dorchester, North End kids, all of that shit, just all sort of coming out of these dance clubs.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And there was just fights and puking and all of that shit. It was like that vibe. I just remember being like,
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I don't know how this plays out but I'm not gonna find out I'm going inside and uh because I don't know if it's cool to be out here or not but I don't feel like it is so I went inside but anyway um they still at least 10 years ago still made an El Camino style car down in uh Australia and um I was freaking out. I was going, look at that.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
They got fucking, they're still making old commuters down there. This is fucking amazing. So they also had a thing in Mexico. Oh, fuck. I used to know the names of these things. They had, like, you know, it was weird in the States. The Chevy Suburban, the four-door, basically, Chevy Blazer. Ford never went to compete with that. Never made a four-door one. But they actually did.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And they sold it in Central and South America. And I forget what the fuck it's called. But they're really fucking cool. And it's basically their answer to the suburban. I have no idea why. They never sold one in the United States. And every person from the USA that I show it to thinks they're fucking sick. It was like not an F-400. It was something weird, some weird number.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And, you know, you can get them. You know, you can go online and find them, but I always thought they were cool, especially, you know, if they had like that 1970s, like the, I was never a fan of the 78, 79 front end grill, but like the other ones, the one that they had from basically like 73 to 77, that one with the four doors actually looks really fucking cool. All right, I'm babbling here.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Once again, Patrice O'Neill, Comedy Benefit. Thank you in advance to everybody that comes out. You have no idea... how much this benefit has helped, you know, Patrice was taking care of his mom and, uh, all the comics. We all know that Patrice would fucking kill us if we ever let anything happen to his mother.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
So, um, we've been able to, uh, take care of her, um, because you guys show up every fucking year and the place sells out and we always have these great shows. And, um, It's really just such a great thing. And if you're a fan of Patrice, when you go to the show, a way to give back to him and his comedy legacy is to help out his mother. And that's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
The thing about it is, it's not only is it like more of a rogue sport, they've made just one fucking bonehead move after another. And even when they go to do something great, it doesn't make any sense. Like I remember back in the day, they were on ESPN, which was great for the league in the 80s. And then the USA Network came along and offered them like a hundred bucks more.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 27th, 2017. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Sorry the podcast is a little bit late this week. You know, the fucking checkout was, you know, 10 a.m. at this place I was staying at.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And I thought I could sleep till 10 and then do the fucking podcast and leave at noon. That's what I thought. You know, I'm sorry. Am I still in America? Checkout time is maybe 11. Where the fuck is it? 10 a.m. The fuck is Trump not president anymore? I mean, I thought this was something that he thought he thought he was going to make it great again. Make it great again.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Have me check out at one in the fucking afternoon. Once you sign an executive order, order for that, you orange headed cunt. How about that? This podcast is not funny. It's sad. It's a lonely man by himself. Sorry for the bad Trump impression. Anyways, I am in Gainesville, Florida right now. And you're probably wondering, Bill, what the fuck are you doing in Gainesville, Florida?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Home of the Florida Gators. You know, you're on there either in a fucking Monday and it's not football season. Why are you here? It's because I have to do the makeup date for the show that I was going to do back in November when I was going to go to the Florida Gators game down there at the fucking swamp. I was going to do that and go to the Florida Gator LSU game. And that game got rained out.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Whatever. They had a fucking hurricane and everybody freaked out because Jacksonville was going to get the shit kicked out of them. Gainesville was, you know, as far as I'm concerned, it was safe. You know, my complete lack of a meteorological background. Is that the right word? I don't know. So I'm back here. I'm back here, you know, in February. When nothing's going on. Oh, shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
What about that team? What if their fucking team has a basketball team has a game tonight? Maybe that's it. Maybe that's what's going on. I don't fucking know. Anyways. Um. I'm here in fucking Gainesville. I had a great time this whole weekend being out there in Daytona, Daytona Beach, Florida. And Jesus Christ, dude, some of the fucking locals in Daytona, your heart just goes out to them.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You know what I mean? It's just all those people that people in Hollywood trash. You know what I mean? It's just a bunch of, you know, a lot of fucking white people that are just, Jesus, life is just fucking kicked the shit out of them. Not saying everybody, but I'm just saying. I fucking came into town. I'm fucking walking down the street the first night. I got video of this. I'm walking.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
There's like a fight about ready to break out outside of a pizza joint. And everybody there is like my age. Except they look my age. You know what I mean? They might have a better hairline, which isn't hard with me. But they're just fucking fat. Fucking big, fat, fucking... What's that? Prilosex shit that people eat? What's it called? That shit Larry the Cable Guy talks about, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And they said, fuck ESPN. And they went to USA. They've always been doing shit like that. Right. The brawling got out of control in the 70s. They always been doing stuff to shoot themselves in the foot. They fucking took teams out of Canada and brought them down to like fucking Florida and Phoenix and all this dumb shit. And then they start getting going. They start doing smart.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
He goes, fucking Pryler 6 ATC.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
That shit. They had those bodies. A lot of cargo shorts that were just frayed at the bottom. A lot of bad tattoos. A lot of fucking people that look like even if they weren't on drugs. You know when people do drugs for so fucking long, there's only so coherent that you can get back to? We went to this fucking restaurant right on the strip. And, uh... This fucking lady, Jesus Christ.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
If she wasn't high, she had just done so many fucking drugs. She brought the fucking wings over, right? And they were like, they weren't ice cold. They were room temperature, which is fucking ice cold. And I'm like, yeah, and I hate sending food back. We're sitting in this fucking restaurant, right? And we're sitting in... It's like basically a NASCAR.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Because we're there to go to the Daytona 500 the next day, right? It's like a NASCAR that they cut in half and put a booth in the middle of it, right? Or some shit. I don't know what the fuck it is. And we looked up later and evidently this was the worst restaurant. Me and Nate ended up going to this fucking thing. Ended up being the worst restaurant. It wasn't bad.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I ordered the fucking... It looked shady... And the music they were playing, they were playing like ZZ Top, She's Got Legs. They played George Thorogood twice. They played Yes, Owner of a Lonely Heart. I was just sitting there. It felt like it was 1985. I was joking on stage that night. I was waiting for fucking Marty McFly to come walking in. Keyword there, fly.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And there was just some guy walking around sort of mouthing the words. And it wasn't even a good George Thorogood song. It wasn't Bad to the Bone or whatever that fucking one whiskey, one scotch or one beer. It wasn't that one.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Um. The waitress fucked up every possible way she could have fucked up other than just blowing her nose into the bread. I mean, other than that, every fucking thing you could do, she fucked up. It was hilarious. I felt bad for her. I could see, you know, she just, you know, we all do it. We all do it in my business. We stay out there too long. Madonna did it. You know, she's still twerking.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
She's like 60. It's like Madonna, for the love of fucking God, can you dress your age properly? OK, could you have a shred of fucking decency for yourself so that people can just in a general sense look in your your your direction? You know what I mean? There was a bunch of guys down on Daytona Beach dressing the way Madonna was dressing.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
There was a bunch of fucking guys my age still wearing tank tops. Where your arms have no muscle definition anymore. It's just, it looks like, you know what it looks like? It looks like, you know when somebody has like cankles? You know that part of the leg where it just, you know, there's no shape to the calf? That's what the arm looks like. And it's all fucking flabby.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And just these awful, horrific fucking tattoos. Just shit you pick off a wall. Somebody with the shakes just puts it on your fucking arm, man. So she comes over. By the way, when you go into a place like that, because once I sit down, I'm not leaving. Just go with the grilled cheese. You get a grilled cheese sandwich and what can they do? You know what I mean? Fucking Nate ordered a hamburger.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Nashville, who knew? Boom, huge city. Vegas, boom, huge city. Seattle, who knew, right? All of a sudden, okay, they got some momentum. They got some momentum. And then they got this fucking world championship. Can somebody explain to me how Canada is the champion? It doesn't make any sense. Why do they do everything so fucked up in hockey? Write down they don't have quarters. They have periods.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I was just like, all right, dude. You know, but if you get fucking Ebola, I mean, I don't want to hear you bitching about it. Equali, whatever you get. I knew it was something with an E. So she comes over and she's just like, hey, well, it was like one in the afternoon. The sun just fucking blazing through the windows. Just like, hey, welcome.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And she caught herself saying evening and she just fucking plowed forward. It was like listening to a cell phone going in and out, right? And she brings the fucking orders over. And she kept going, how's your meat? I've never heard anybody say that. I ordered a burger and the wings. I got a little dangerous with the fucking wings. And I had the grilled cheese sandwich.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And I think it was just too much for her fucking blown out brain to try to remember what kind of protein we ordered. So she just kept coming over going, how's the meat? She came over. She gave me the burger. She gave Nate the fucking grilled cheese sandwich. We had to swing that fucking thing around. The chicken was fucking stone cold.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And she's just she started to like turn sideways when she fucked up the order. And she was like almost trying to hide behind her own shoulder.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And she fucking disappears and comes back two seconds later, which was a big thing in Daytona. ordering food that should have taken at least 15 minutes and it returned in like two seconds it was very disturbing because the first night when we saw those fucking old guys with the flabby arms pushing each other outside that fucking pizza parlor um
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Well, let me I'll take you through the whole fucking shit show. We went into this place that we thought was a Hooters, a fucking Hooters. And I'm like, I'm not eating in here. Any place that that is sort of in the sex industry, it's got one foot in the sex industry. I'm not ordering food.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And so I went in there and got a beer and we walked in and the chicks didn't have Hooters, but they all had asses and they had shorts like up their ass, like half their fucking ass was hanging out. And it was just, you know.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
it was a shit show and we're trying to figure it out we're like going what the fuck what the kind of fucking hooters is hooters finally admitting that hip-hop went mainstream about 25 years ago and now they're focusing on asses and um it wasn't until the next day we walked out we realized it wasn't a hooters it was some wings joint and i think they're going to put hooters out of business because i don't think people care about titties anymore
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
The 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit will be Sunday, May 18th, as always, at the New York City Center, which is 131 West 55th Street between 6th and 7th. Avenue, New York City, doors open at 7 p.m., show starts at 7.30 p.m. The lineup is Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, D.C. Benny, Tim Dillon. I hope I say this name right. Nimesh Patel, Sean Patel. It's so funny.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You know what I mean? Plus, you can have a nice rack and like your fucking ass can be as flat as a goddamn fucking desk, a desktop. Right. You know what I mean? So then what do you get? Then you just got you got to get a pair of tits. You know, what are you going to do with that? I love an ass. And you can't have a nice ass and be out of shape. It just doesn't fucking work.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
That is the nucleus of the body. If that's fucking in shape, then everything else is fine. You can have a fucking pair of tits on you, you know what I mean? And it can just be a shit show when you go south, you know what I mean?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
That's like, you know, guys when they fucking, they keep lifting weights, you know, and they just keep trying to keep their chest out in front of their beer belly and they keep pushing the jeans down further and further so they still have their 32-inch jeans, you know? By the way, I think white people were the first one to wear saggy jeans. You know? I think we were the first ones to do it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And that was with the guys who just refused to buy a 34-inch, then a 36, 38-inch waist. They just kept pushing it down and letting their fucking stomach come out over the top. So anyways, she's like hiding behind her shoulder, going, I'm sorry, I haven't managed to take it out. So she fucking... Oh, no, I remember what I was trying to say. How quickly the food came.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
They have two breaks, which I understand if you've ever played, you're fucking exhausted, sprinting the whole goddamn game. But, like, we beat Canada a couple of Saturdays ago. All right? With Connor McDavid all the way to fucking Sidney Crosby. Unbelievable team. We beat them. Great game. Three fights in the first minute like old school hockey and then just great hockey, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
So the night before we went out, after we left the fucking bar where these girls had to walk around with half of their fucking ashes hanging out. And now that I'm a dad, it was even worse. I just kept thinking, what if my daughter ends up working? I wanted to meet the father of all these guys and be like, what did you do that had them end up here? So I don't do it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
So my daughter doesn't end up here. So we go down the fucking street. And we go to this other fucking bar. They're like, they got a biker bar down there because, you know, Daytona has that fucking crazy biker week and some shit out here. And I'm just like, I am not a biker and I'm not going to go in there and get fucking, you know, I don't know, a pool cue fucking shoved in my ear.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I don't need this shit. Right. So we go to this other bar. It's sort of a sports bar. We walk in. Everything's cool. So I ordered some food. I go, let me get the. What's the raw tuna? It's not sashimi. Is it tuna tartare? Tartare? Is that what I ordered? You know, in this fucking sports bar. Why would you order raw fish in a place like that? It's fucking nuts. But I did.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And I ordered chips and salsa. And I swear to God, this woman walked into the kitchen. They had in the outdoor, you know, the swinging doors. She walked in there. And the door went, and then she came walking right back out with the fucking food, like disturbingly. Like it came back so fucking fast. The look on my face, Nate was fucking crying, laughing.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And all I can say about the food is you shouldn't have to chew raw tuna. It should be like butter, like melts in your mouth kind of thing. And I was chewing the shit out of it. So anyways, back to the fucking other place. You know, this is so stupid that I'm fucking shitting on the food there.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
When you're sitting in a fucking NASCAR that's been cut in half and they put a fucking booth in the middle of it, can you really complain about the food? Well, you know what? I have an hour to fill here, so I'm gonna. So this poor woman who, you know, probably had some shitty dad and she ended up doing drugs is trying to get her fucking order right.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And, you know, the guy's walking around mouthing the words, moving on over. And this guy in the corner starts eating this burger, dude. And I can't even tell the way he was fucking attacking this burger. I was crying, laughing, and I had to do like that, you know, you know, when you're with somebody and you're. The person you're laughing at kind of catches you looking at them.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And then you want your friend to look at them, too. So you got to do like that kind of that stretch thing where you look back. Fortunately, there was a flat screen TV above his head. And I just sort of like without even like a ventriloquist, just like just turn around, look at the TV, you know, did like one of those things. And dude, the way this guy would he attack this burger.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Like he he lunged at it rather than like it was almost like his it was someone else was holding it was the way he was trying to steal a bite of somebody else's burger. That's the way this guy was eating. Like his first bite into the burger, he fucking lunged at it so hard he hit himself in the face with like the lettuce.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
They had this big piece of like fucking romaine lettuce hanging off the side, whatever the fuck it was, iceberg lettuce. And when he lunged in at it, it like it fucking hit him in one of his eyes and he had to stop and blink. And then he just fucking he came up higher and just lunged at it again. He was eating it like a like a fucking Komodo dragon.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You know, they just sort of fucking lunge at something. He just just saw and rip away. It was a fucking animal. And every time he would lunge at this thing, it was I could not look at him. And I was crying, laughing. Of course, by three bites, he looked over and he caught me looking at him laughing.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And then I looked at Nate and I pointed at the menu like I was laughing, like, oh, my God, they have chicken fingers. Isn't that hilarious? Like I was trying to somehow get away from it. But long story short. The grilled cheese was all right. The fucking wings were horrific, even when they were actually heated up. They clearly made them hours ago, the way they came over fucking ice cold.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And then they brought me some hot ones like three seconds later. And so the lady comes over and she picks up our check. She walks over the register. And in that short amount of time, she already forgot where we were sitting. And then when she came back. You know, Nate picked up the check. She gave it back to me. It was just... It was fucking horrific, man.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
So we beat them to advance to the final. All right? So then Canada's got to play their way in. I don't know who the fuck they played. They played like fucking Iceland or some shit. They win and now they're in the final with the American team. So now America's in a situation where USA has to go 2-0 against Canada or else we're the losers. If we go 1-1, we lose.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
But other than that, Daytona Beach was beautiful. We did a show that night. Everyone was going to be like, what are you shitting on fucking Daytona for? Because that's what I saw. I didn't know where to go. So anyways, I played the... I want to say Peabody Theater. Because where I'm from, that's how you say it. Peabody. Peabody Theater. It's like when you're in New York, it's Carnegie Hall.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And when you're in Pittsburgh, it's Carnegie. All right? When you're in Massachusetts, it's Peabody. And everywhere else, it's Peabody. So we played the Peabody Theater. I had a great time. Did an hour and 20 minutes. You know, all new shit, shit that got left off of other hours. Just had a great fucking time. The crowd was awesome. Got a bunch of heckles, but they were all great.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I like I like that shit. I don't mind when people yell out, you know, to a point. I don't mind it. And I had a good time and I made a point of saying that because sometimes people in the crowd were sorry for all the fucking heckles. I enjoy it. I don't mind a lively, drunk ass crowd. I'm a fucking drunk. OK, and now that I've shit on everybody.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
you know, that I met basically in a 12 hour period in Daytona. Um, let's talk about the, uh, we went to the race the next day. And by the way, thank you to everybody who came out to the show. I mean, it was such a big fucking event the next day. I mean, there should have been three people in the crowd. So the fact that it was sold out was fucking amazing. So thank you to everybody.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I will definitely be back. Um, but I will not be eating at that fucking place with the cars that are sawed in half. Um, So anyways, plowing ahead here. So the next day we go to the race and we weren't really thinking that there's going to be 250,000 fucking people. That's like two and a half Rose Bowls all descending on the same fucking the same place. So.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
All the locals are going like, oh, man, I'm just staying in tomorrow. That's going to be a shit show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And when I had driven from the airport, you know, when you get off, what's so fucking cool, when you get off at the airport, you can actually hear them racing. You know, I think there was a truck race or some shit like that.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
If you land, you know, I didn't get into like fucking one in the morning or midnight, actually. So the race was already over. But when they got there, you could hear them racing. You pull out, you can see. the fucking Daytona International fucking Speedway, which is amazing, right? Legendary place.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And as you're driving by, there's all these fucking people in RVs and all that hanging out, wait to go on the race. And dude, these people do not fuck around. The way they were doing it up, like, is the way I wish we did it at the Rose Bowl. Like, I've never seen so many, like, I mean, legit, like you could you could like a rock star could tour in some of these fucking mobile homes.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And the setups that they had in the fucking flat screen TVs, you know, on the outside with the generator and they had smokers going and everybody just having a great fucking time waiting for this race to happen. And evidently people who park on the infield can get there like something like a week or 10 days. They've just been in there.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
There's these guys that are fucking driving around the track, you know, getting ready to go to the race and all that, you know, testing out their cars and shit, qualifying for pole position or whatever the fuck it is that they're doing. These people are sitting there like, I mean, those are diehard fans, right? So we ended up calling a fucking Uber.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
The venue the night before hooked us up with this guy, this driver, and he knew all these back ways to get there, which was a godsend. And he got us, like, right to where it says Daytona International Speedway. And Nate Bargatze's, like, hooked up with some of those NASCAR guys, and they came by about 20 minutes later.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
picked us up in this little golf cart and just gave us the, the, the total VIP treatment. And this is the one thing I will say about NASCAR versus the NFL is the level of fan access to all these different, you can, you can walk right down onto pit row. We were sitting on the track before the race, like a couple hours before the race, they let you go up there.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Everybody was like taking pictures at the finish line. And, um, One thing I couldn't believe was how fucking small it is as far as the width of it. It's like these people go three side by side, 200 miles an hour. They're out of their minds. You got to be right down there on Pit Row. I met Mario Andretti, got to shake his hand.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And that was another thing, too, like just the array of like famous people that were there. I guess the appeal of NASCAR was fucking nuts. Like you'd see Mario Andretti, which makes sense. Race car driver. I saw Gronkowski. Guy Fieri. Who else? There was some fucking model, this gorgeous model there. Keanu Reeves. LaDainian Tomlinson. It was just fucking it was like all over the fucking map.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
If Canada wins, they're 1-1 against us, but they're the champions. Who was going to beat that Canada team twice? You weren't going to beat the USA twice. It was fucking... And the Russians weren't involved. They weren't invited. I can't even remember if I brought this up. I'm still trying to... Wrap my head around how you go one and one and you're the better fucking team.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Then you'd see like, oh, that guy is the senator of fucking, you know, whatever, South Carolina. We got to go in and, you know, we got to sit in on like the driver's meeting and all of that, which is really fucking interesting. I thought it was just going to be the drivers and like four of us. But it's this giant fucking room where they let this whole crowd go into.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
It's just sitting there talking to the drivers going, all right, you know. There's been a lot of trying to bump guys off the track into the fucking stands. You got to stop doing that. I mean, I don't know. I didn't even know what they were saying. I was kind of sitting behind the guy, so I couldn't quite hear him. But I mean, I can't imagine going to like a fucking any NFL game.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And you got to hear the referees talking to the head coaches before the game. You know, the NFL is like the goddamn CIA. You can't get anywhere near anything. So we ended up watching the race from the infield. And, you know, I knew some people there. So at one point we were with the people from Cisco Brewery down on Nantucket. If you ever go to Nantucket, crazy good beer.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And then they got this vodka. They have like this blueberry vodka and cranberry vodka that your fucking lady's going to love. And we hung with them for a while. And then we also were at this other fucking place. And our view was absolutely insane. It was a bunch of fucking guys. I don't know, crashes and cautions. The fucking race took forever. But I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I still can't believe that I got to go to it. But thank you to everybody at NASCAR for hooking us up. I'm trying to remember who the fuck won. Was it Kyle Busch? Kyle Busch won, right? I went there and I just rooted for fucking Dale Earnhardt Jr. You know, it's been so long since I watched NASCAR. I'm like, is Jeff Gordon still racing? He's like, nah, he's retired. Like everybody I knew was gone.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Like I watched it big time in the early fucking 80s, late 70s, early 80s when it was like Bobby Allenson. Cale Yarborough, Harry Gant, Richard Petty. I saw him win like his last Daytona 500 in like 81 or something. Then Cale Yarborough won it two years in a row. Then it was the Bill Elliott era.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And I don't know, somewhere around there I was trying to get through college and I started doing stand-up and I kind of lost touch with it. But I still paid attention right through the Dale Earnhardt years. And I don't know, I haven't watched it in a minute, but it's fucking amazing, dude. The whole thing, it was just such an amazing experience. And I'm, I don't know, maybe I'll go to Talladega.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Who knows? I think that one's in May. We'll see. But the big thing I was excited about was the fact that I was able to do like an hour and 20 minutes and not bore people with shit that they'd already heard before. So, you know, that's like the big fear. When you go back out on the road after you had a special come out as you like. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
How do I fucking do a bunch of new shit without fucking these people over? Sorry, I'm adjusting the microphone here without fucking these people over. Um, and them still thinking that I was funny, especially after going on after Nate Bargatze, who by the way is, um, one of like six people that got half hours on, uh, On Netflix. I think Netflix is trying to do like the HBO one night stands.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
So he was running his ready to tape special in front of me. And that guy's one of the best joke writers I know. And he fucking murdered. So I was relieved that I was able to go on after him and have a good time. So anyways, is it time? Yeah. How about a little bit of advertising here, everybody? All right. Where are we? Wondery. The fuck is this stuff? Never heard of this one. Wondery.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Here's a podcast you should listen to. Wait a minute. Somebody else's podcast is advertising on my podcast? Yeah, don't listen to my podcast. Listen to this one. All right. Oh, I remember this shit. This one actually sounded cool. All right. Secrets, Crimes, and Audio Tape. It's a podcast that has a different story every week. This week's story is called This Is Not a Banksy.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
It's about a guy who wakes up in the morning and realizes Banksy drew on his ass. Who the fuck is Banksy? He gets it tattooed, and now people want to collect his ass. It doesn't go well. It has high production values. It's funny. And Mario Lopez is the guest star. Go listen to it. All right. This is why I like that podcast is because it sounds different. And also the copy was nice and short.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
So all you up in Canada, you know, when you chant and win number one, why don't you chant? We're one and one. We're one. It's the dumbest fucking tournament I've ever seen. Like, how does that work? I get tournaments where it's just, you know, sudden death. You lose, you're out. I've never seen one where you fucking lose. You can play your way back in.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Is Banksy, he's an artist, right? I only know this because Nia's into all that shit. Let me look this fucking up. So he drew on somebody's ass and then he had it tattooed. And now what? Who the fuck is Banksy? Banksy is an anonymous English-based graffiti artist, political activist, and film director. Well, if he's anonymous, how come they know who he is? Of unverified identity. Oh, there you go.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
There's satirical street art and subversive... Well, then how the fuck did this guy know Banksy drew on his ass? Man, he's got great work. I'm going to judge him on the two that are on his Wikipedia page. Ah, these are amazing. What a talented son of a bitch. He must be really shy. So he does this in England. What if it's somebody from the royal family?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And the reason why they don't say it is because, you know, graffiti is looked down upon by the aristocrats. You know, stop drawing on our buildings. Maybe that's who it is. So I guess he drew on somebody's ass. Somebody who knows him well. Well, I'm surprised the the Illuminati doesn't kidnap that dude and his ass and goes, tell me who the fuck Banksy is.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Tell me who Banksy is or I'll fucking scalp your ass and that painting and then your ass won't work and it won't be worth shit. How about that? No pun intended. Right. Let me let me select all of this and then delete it. So I can get to the fucking questions for this week. Dollar Shave Club, which is the first one. The first one was the the Banksy. Banksy fucking tattooed my ass. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Oh, by the way, everybody, I mentioned lately that I'm going to be starting to post some videos up to my YouTube, my YouTube page. I'm going to a bunch of videos from the Daytona 500. I'm going to have. at www.youtube.com slash users slash Monday Morning Podcast. I'm going to give the fucking video to my guy this week. He's going to edit it and get the shit up there, okay?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I'll tweet about it when it gets up there. All right. So speaking of stamps, I bought some stamps today. I did not use stamps.com. I was driving from Daytona Beach up here to Gainesville. And rather than going like the highway way, I took the longer route because I want to see some shit, right? Like going by this fucking. My brother told me it's called folk art, I guess.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I drove by this woman's house or this guy's house. I don't know why I thought it was a woman, but, you know, I had like a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex, a fucking bull, like kicking its legs up like all these giant. All this crazy stuff. You don't see that when you take 75 North. It's just going to be a bunch of Arby's. We got the meats. It's going to be the same fucking 10 chains and a goddamn Walmart.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I've seen that a zillion times. But if you if you take the old school, the fucking Route 66 Jack Kerouac ways, it takes longer. But you see a bunch of cool shit. So I was fucking driving along there, and I came upon a post office, and lo and behold, I had a bill that I need to pay, and I didn't have a fucking stamp.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
So I fucking pull in, and the locals are in there, and I'm listening to this guy tell this fucking hilarious story. First of all, I love the pace of it, too. I love the pace of a small town where I don't give a shit that this guy's telling a story. He's such a fucking character. I'm enjoying it. I'm already second in line because there's nobody fucking there. Right.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And he's telling this story about how somebody cut him off. And he's not driving too fast. So then the woman behind the counter then tells her story about how she was doing 50 and someone pulled out in front of her and her son and her son blew the horn.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And when they pulled up next to him at a red light, the guy fucking had a pistol and he fucking just brought it up looking at him, like pointing at the ceiling of his car. He just sort of brought it up like that. And then the guy's like, he goes, you can't do that. Can't do that. All right. That's that's a terrorist act. That's brandishing, brandishing a weapon.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And then the other teams, they got to beat you twice. But you can have a 500 record and then you're the better team. I mean, I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't know. But congratulations, Canada. You're number one and one. I still love the sport, but that's the one I'm just... I knew all Saturday. I go, there's no fucking way. But we almost beat them, too. We almost beat them again.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And you start talking about brandishing a weapon. You can't do that. That'll make somebody want to, you know, do some sort of self-defense is what they were saying. And I was just like, this is fucking crazy out here. But actually, I think that they said that that that happened up in. Charlotte or something like that. I guess the road rage is off the fucking chains in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
That's what I love about a small town. I never would have heard that. You know? This fucking guy with his white Uncle Jesse beard telling a story of brandishing a weapon. And I was just sitting there.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Totally not even given a fuck that I was standing in line at the post office, completely enjoying this story and praying to God that this guy then took out his weapon because I wanted I wanted to see where this was going to go next. But, you know, they didn't say anything like I should have got his license plate and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
That's why I stay off the 75 North, because I never would have heard that, you know? If I stayed on the 75 North, I would have heard, you know, can I get the fucking, can I get a double cheeseburger with the fucking blah, blah, blah? I don't want to hear that shit. Oh, I know a lot of you guys are expecting me to talk about the Oscars, but I didn't watch them. Okay?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I don't watch award shows unless I'm home. If I'm home... then my wife's watching them, and then I watch them with her because I like making fun of them while she watches them because it makes her mad. She doesn't get mad mad, but she gets, like, upset. But I heard about the big fucking thing there in the end.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
where Warren Beatty came out and he's like, a little winner for Best Picture 2017 goes to La La Land. And evidently, the poor people from La La Land went up there, were two speeches in before they realized that it was actually going to Moonlight, starring Cybill Shepard and Bruce Willis, I believe. I don't know what the fuck happened.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
All I know is once I heard that that happened, I didn't want to watch it. You know, I don't like watching people like that level of fucking awkwardness, you know. And just seeing Warren Beatty be that fucking old. I just realized his last fucking name was what that fucking robot was saying on close and not close encounters. What was that?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
What was that stupid fucking Buck Rogers where they had that little stupid fucking robot go? Beatty, Beatty, Beatty, Beatty. Is he saying Beatty? Beatty, Beatty, Beatty, Beatty. There was this stupid, like somebody came up with, somebody was sitting in a fucking writer's room. And they're like, all right, Star Wars is all the rage. We got to somehow make money off this.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
All right, we're going to do Buck Rogers. That doesn't seem that bad. I mean, it was around before Star Wars. And one of the things, we got to have like an R2-D2 and a C-3PO. And the network's like, well, we're not fucking hiring two actors. It's going to be too expensive. Combine both characters and stick a fucking midget in that goddamn suit. All right. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Well, C-3PO is kind of a fucking smart cunt with an English accent. All right, well, just have this thing be a moron. It just has a catchphrase. I don't know. What's the catchphrase? Well, you fucking come up with it. And the writers are probably so pissed. All right, let's just come up with the dumbest shit we can possibly say and see what this fucking industry person says.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
All right, he's a little fucking. He looks like a little kid, George Washington, but he's painted all silver and he's made out of metal. And before he talks, he walks around, he goes, you know, and then they just sat there and they kept the fucking straight face.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And that's one of those moments in life, you know, when you throw it on the table, you know, you're looking at that person, they're looking at you. And it becomes one of those moments where whoever talks first loses and you just fucking wait it out. And then the fucking person goes, oh, yeah, go with that. They're like, great. Awesome. Let's go do some cocaine. It's not fucking addicting, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
It's fucking the late 70s. Yeah, so I didn't see any of it. Sorry. I know I got a bunch of tweets. Can't wait to hear your take on the Oscars. I did not see it. What I did see was that the fucking Boston Bruins won again. One again. And all my fucking whining about whining about, you know, them getting rid of Claude Julien.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
According to Bob Beers, the Bruins are playing much looser and more confident under Butch Bruce Cassidy. Sorry, I say Butch Bruce Cassidy. He said, with the new man on the bench, the Boston Bruins look like a new team. The Bees are 6-1 since Bruce Cassidy took over as interim coach, averaging four goals per game while scoring the first in six of those contests.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Took them all the way to overtime. And I was like, there's no fucking way. You're not going to beat this team two times in a row. Any more than they're going to beat us two times in a row. So what was the move? Lose? Lose first? And then play fucking Luxembourg and then fucking get into the final? And Russia's nowhere there. And then we were 1-1 and then we're the champions?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
They exploded for six goals in Sunday's matinee win over the Stars, but the Stars suck this year. 98.5, the Sports Hub Bruins analyst Bob Beers says he's seen a much looser and more confident team take the ice since Cassidy took over for Claude Julien.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
They have a little more leash and a little more freedom to make some plays, not to the point where they're being reckless or carried away, leaving themselves exposed at the other end, but they're encouraged to play more offensively. I got to tell you, man, they've been playing great. So I don't know what it is. So, you know, I guess I was wrong. I still think Claude Julien's a fucking great coach.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
What are you going to do? Maybe everybody needed a change. Maybe that's what it is. You stay with the same person for a while, you just get sick of them. And this is like the new girlfriend. You're all excited. You can go all the old places, but it's new for the both of you to go there. I don't know. All I know is it's fucking working. And I absolutely loved...
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Loved the Boston Celtics not making a move before the trade deadline. I think that was fucking genius. It would have been so fucking stupid to give up draft picks and some players that we had. You know that they were going to want like Marcus Smart and fucking Jay Crowder and a bunch of draft picks at the very least. We were going to have to fucking give up that to bring in who? Carmelo Anthony?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You know? He's going to tell fucking everybody to clear out and then not get back on D. You don't need that shit. And even if he got us past the Cavaliers, nobody's beating the fucking Warriors this year. We're certainly not. You give up all of that shit to do what? Come in second place instead of fourth? Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? This is the Boston Celtics.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
We got to win another championship. The Lakers are lying about the amount of fucking championships they have. They padded their resume with one. We need to win another one, put a little distance between them. And I think this fucking move right here, being patient enough to just say, no, we're staying the goddamn course. We got all these draft picks. You know, who knows?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Maybe that kid from Duke comes out. Tatum. Maybe he's one and done. Who knows? You know, they got that... Who's that other kid? Some kid on Kansas? I guess he's like a point guard or something like that. I don't know what the fuck we need. I don't know shit about basketball. But I love not giving into the stupid pressure that, you know, you're supposed to make a move. You know?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
That'll make you better in the short run. But fuck you. Fuck over all the work you've been doing over the last three, four years. So, Danny Age. Danny Age! Love it. Absolutely love it. All right, let's do some reads for this week. Because, um... I'm actually going to drive down to Tampa tonight.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And I'm going to go... I'm going to go to the fucking... Tampa Bay Lightning versus the fucking Ottawa Senators game tonight. Never been to a game there. We'll see how it is. All right. Four reads. All right. This is what I got here. Oh, four reads was the advertising. It's not four questions. Let me get rid of that. Okay. Boyfriend birthday gift. Hey there, Billy birthday boy. My boyfriend...
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
My man recently celebrated a birthday, and I contemplated for weeks what I would get him. After listening to many podcast episodes, I picked up on your advice to freshly single men. Get yourself all the sports packages. I took old Billy Boy's advice and bought my guy a subscription for NHL TV. Holy shit, you're a fucking angel. For the remainder of the hockey season, parentheses, go Pens.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
That's great, too, and his team is a contender, so it'll be fun to watch. And NFL Sunday ticket for the upcoming football season. He's beyond thrilled. Of course he is. Thanks for the laughs, and most importantly, thanks for the birthday suggestion. All right, ladies, did you hear that? You know what's great about all of that shit is it's so fucking easy to do. That's one phone call.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Canada beat the United States to win the world championship. They won the series one game to one. Clearly demonstrating that they are without a doubt the best fucking one in one team you're ever going to see. It's fucking stupid. The whole thing was fucking stupid. Makes no sense. And why would you rob hockey fans of having another game? Right. You got another game and then we get to see. OK.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You don't have to go out and go shop. You don't have to go get something fucking engraved. It's perfect. And if anybody wants to outdo this woman, you know what you do is you get him the perfect chair to sit there and watch, you know. And then what you do is you get life insurance.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And as he slowly eats and drinks himself to death watching all these sports, you know, you're going to win either way. Either he's going to be around and he's going to be this big lovable fucking, you know, grizzly bear over there watching his games.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
A little aristocrat fucking conversation here. The actual rule, I always get these confused, and I love that you guys are going to fucking help me out here because I actually used whom the other day. Somebody told me that when you use who is if you could substitute it with he or she. But if you're talking about a they or us conversation, Or soliloquy, then you use whom? I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Anyways, he said the actual rule to use who with the subject and whom... Oh, the actual rule is to use who with the subject and whom with the object. So is the subject like a person? No, I don't... I'll never get this down. It's like lie versus lay. Okay? The baby on the bed lies down. But when you put the baby on the bed, the baby is laid down. All right. Like, how is that supposed to help me?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
All right. Let's try to figure out the subject and the object. Oh, my God. I'm going to start fucking hyperventilating. This takes me back to high school. They call on you like, I don't know. I don't know. Just give me a fucking zero. Jesus Christ. How many fucking times you got to call on me? I don't know the answer before you figure out. You call on somebody else.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Quarterback keeps throwing to somebody. They keep dropping the ball. They go to somebody else. Fucking idiot. Punt. All right. The baby on the bed lies down. All right. So the baby is the subject. Is the bed the object? But when you put the baby on the bed, that's an object. The baby is laid down. All right. Well, what the fuck? Who laid the baby down versus Billy Blue Balls laid whom down?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
All right, I got to slow down. Who laid the baby down? Who laid the baby down? You did. You did. Shoot that poison arrow through my heart. Shoot that poison arrow.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Took me back. I always sing that song to Nia. And I always say, whoever sings that fucking song, you know that they close with it. And then that's how they end that song. That's how they end it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You know, the surprise ending. Oh, I thought you were going to go through my heart again. But you didn't. All right. So who laid the baby down? All right. Versus Billy Balls laid whom down? Okay. Who laid the baby? Okay. So if I went like, who drank all this fucking beer? Billy Blue Balls was who drank all the beer. I can't fucking do it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
All right, well, somebody says something about a baby. I have a baby in my life, so I have a chance that I can at least get that one right. Oh, Jesus, sent right back down to the minors. Once again, he grounds into an inning-ending double play. Fucking kill that goddamn dream. I don't understand. I just don't fucking get it. This has been explained to me 50 million times.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I never understood how fucking planes flew. And then I got my pilot's license, and they were able to fucking explain it to me. Who laid the baby down? Versus Billy Blue Balls laid whom down? All right. So I'm the subject in the first one. And then what? The baby becomes an object? Like, are you talking shit about my kid here? Billy Blue Balls laid whom down?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
The actual rule is to use who with the subject and whom with the object. So I'm more important than my kids, so I'm the object here. I'm the subject. But that doesn't make any sense because a king has subjects and they have to do whatever the fuck he tells them. I'll tell you right now, I don't feel any closer to the finish line than I was. Jesus.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
All right. Best two out of three. I like that. Nice and quick. You know, these fucking all these other leagues with their fucking 58 rounds of seven game series, including the NHL. Jesus fucking Christ. How long are you going to drag it out? How many fucking cars do you got to sell while we watch this shit?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
The amount of empathy that I have for all the fucking teachers in my life. That this is the fucking putty they're trying to mold into something. All right. You know what's great? Great Barrier Reef. For fuck's sakes, Bill, stop saying the Great Barrier Reef is dying. Get your pasty White Ranger arse down here. Get in the water and have a look for it. It's not dying. Yeah, it is, you cunt.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
What are you, a scientist? I'm going by what the fucking scientists are saying. And I wanted to go fucking snorkeling over there. They said you better do it now because they're not going to let people go there much longer. If you don't know what a ranger is, that's what we Aussies call red-headed fucks like you. Ranger being short for orangutan. Oh, isn't that cute? Well, you know what?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Maybe you can say that to me next time I come down there and do a fucking show. All right, why don't you do that? I don't give a fuck. You think I give a fuck what some cunt lives at the bottom of the fucking world with like three-quarters of your goddamn country you can't even go to? The entire middle of that fucking continent, you can't even live there. What else do you do?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
On Australia Day, do you drive around in your poor excuse for a fucking El Camino? Anyways. Oh, he's one of those fucking guys. It's fine. It's still fucking there. I'm going to look this shit up right now. All right, Great Barrier Reef. Let me see what I get. Let me guess. Because it doesn't agree with you, then it's going to be fake news. Great Barrier Reef, dead.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
The Great Barrier Reef is not actually dead. CNN, dramatic. What about dying? Let me see dying. Dying. Let me see dying. Corals are dying on the Great Barrier Reef. Scientists have discovered an unprecedented die-off in the world's largest reef, the Great Barrier Reef. Yeah, there you go, right there, okay? Great Barrier Reef not dying. Australia insists. Oh, I get it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
This is your big tourist attraction. This is your Ferris wheel. So you want people to keep flying down there so they can jump in the water with a bunch of great white sharks because there's nothing to see on land down there because three-quarters of your fucking country is unlivable. And God knows if you go out there, it's so fucking unlived.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
That's why the snakes and everything down there is so fucking poisonous because there's such a lack of food that a snake, if it just grazes somebody, they got to make it count because God knows they're not going to see anything else edible for fucking weeks. Australia insists that it's not fucking dying. I love it. OK, well, that's fucking credible. That's how you make all your money.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
All those fucking cunts going down there in their scuba gear because they learned how to hold their breath and breathe underwater in a fucking swimming pool. And they got themselves a little scuba card. And now they're going to go into God's swimming pool, a fucking ocean. All right. That's got all this shit that can kill. Oh, my God. That's what it is. Okay, I get it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Anyway, just another thing that makes me love and just completely confused as to how hockey does their math. And it's not a metric system thing because I watch sports around the world. I've traveled. I've seen them. Nothing makes less sense than the way the NHL does their shit. It just fucking does it. Well, I guess it was the NHL. Whatever the hockey, the sport of hockey.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I'm sorry I was fucking with your tourist attraction. That would be like you guys down there saying that you can't go up into the arm of the Statue of Liberty anymore. It's going to snap off. It is dying, you stupid fuck. All right? All right. Anyways. I absolutely believe that it is. Why wouldn't it be all the shit that we're doing? Why would everything else is fucking dying?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Everything else is completely fucked. But that isn't. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. Let me you know what? I actually I looked it up. Let me look up not dying. Let's see what this said. Great Barrier Reef. But if this is all from fucking Australia, I'm not buying it. Great Barrier Reef, not in danger. Give me a big picture of fucking Trump scuba diving.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
The Great Barrier Reef not, quote, in danger. Tourism and mining groups have welcomed a whatever recommendation that the Great Barrier Reef be left off the World Heritage in danger. Yeah, touring, tourism, mining, these people all make money off it. Should the Great Barrier Reef be listed as in danger? UNESCO Great Barrier Reef is not in danger but needs care.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
UN experts say Great Barrier Reef is not. Yeah, this is all because you're not making money off of it. Great Barrier Reef outlook poor but not in danger. This is like what you guys are doing with the Great Barrier Reef now is what we do with our food supply. You know, it's not the best for you, but it doesn't necessarily cause cancer. You know what, buddy? I hope you're right. I hope you're right.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I hope it isn't. But I know good and goddamn well that you're not a fucking scientist. I know I'm not a scientist. And I know that scientists say that it is fucking dying. But anybody, from what I just did, my research for 30 seconds, was anybody that makes money off of it says that it isn't. So I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Can I can you if you can write me back with a fucking scientists or some sort of fucking group of them that don't make money off it are not getting paid to say that it's fucking dying. It's not dying. Then I'll believe it. OK, so what? I'm still fucking open minded. All right. Obama news censorship.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Hey, Mr. Bill, Bill Burr, I have listened to the past couple of podcasts where some of your listeners have messaged in about Obama's supposed censoring of news media. And after a bit of further research, it seems like they are most likely inaccurate or just wrong. Now, let me ask you this, sir, because I looked it up. OK, and for what I could tell, it was accurate.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
But what I'm guessing is you're an Obama fan. So now you're going to tell me this is fake news. Now, you just saw where I was able to look up shit where it said it was dying and then it isn't dying. And it's just all what you choose to believe. Right. While the bill is real, the conclusion that it would cause the shutdown and silencing of dissenting opinion seems incorrect.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
It's supposed to find the identity when foreign countries are involved in spreading propaganda to allow U.S. news sites to know where information is coming from. I have a liberal bias and am probably overlooking some things. Oh, there you go. This guy's an adult. Okay, you know what? I take back everything I said.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
But it seems like that the bill is not nearly as bad as certain sites are making out to be, which I would agree with because that's going to be the Fox News people. Thanks for the podcast and the latest special. This is what I would guess. which is obviously a total guess because I'm a fucking moron.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I'm guessing it's not as bad as people on the right are saying it is, but I am definitely of the belief that there's always that wiggle room in there that, you know, as they're preventing something, you know, that everybody wants to be prevented, which would be propaganda from our fucking enemies, which I actually don't even think is that bad.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I'm not against hearing their take on things, but it would also allow them... It's kind of like, you know, after 9-11... where it was just like, we need to listen, we need to be able to listen in on people's phone conversations.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
But if you're not doing anything wrong, you know, it's not a fucking, well, you know, this is just for terrorists, and then it just becomes a way for them to spy on you even more. And then years later, you see that whole fucking Snowden thing, and he's taken off, basically saying, I'm not going to help you guys build this thing. The greatest nerd of all time is that Snowden guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
It's just a bizarre thing. It's a great game. It's a beautiful goddamn game, but I swear to God, you make sense of it. You're a better man than me. Anyway, exciting news here. We're in our last week at the rehearsal space, which has been going great.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You know, as opposed to those other fucking pussies who just keep fucking, you know, I've always said it, you know, total psychos, like a complete psycho has no fucking power, you know, without nerds. Nerds give them the ability to be a psycho on a fucking global level. Okay, as nuts as Trump is, as nuts as fucking Hillary is, as nuts as fucking Bush, as nuts as all these fucking lunatics are.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
They're not shit without nerds creating the technology for them to, you know, go psycho on a global fucking level. I mean, if it wasn't for fucking nerds, we'd still be attacking each other with sticks. You know, I couldn't figure out how to make a gun. All right. Lost my 401k. Hey, Bill. Well, to cut to the chase, I'm 51 years old, divorced.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Son is in jail for hitting his mother, who is a lunatic. Jesus Christ. And I received a $49,000 settlement and blew it all on the California lottery. This can't be real. I really feel like throwing in the towel. Can you tell me what you would do if you were in my awful shoes? All right. If this is even remotely real. Let's see. That's probably fake, but whatever I can.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
But other people have completely fucked up their lives. So I'll talk to them and you, sir, if you're actually telling the truth. The biggest thing you got going for yourself is you know that you're a moron and you fucked up your life. So I would sit down and I would look at the decisions that I've made, figured out why I made those fucking decisions.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I refuse to believe that you're dumb enough to get $49,000 and spend all of it on the California lottery. I would think that some of it went to bear fruit. Some of them went to Wade. Come on. Some of you get $49,000. You didn't get yourself a new truck. I mean, come on. I don't know. Can you tell me what you would do if you were in my awful shoes? I would get a fucking job, first of all.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I would stay away from your ex-wife. Your son's in jail for hitting your mother, so that would mean he's of age. So you're not paying any child support. So maybe there's some alimony. I don't know. I try to teach my son not to hit my mother. I mean, not to hit his mother. I don't know, dude. You got water coming in from all sides here. I don't know what to tell you.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
If you get money, I would save it rather than gamble it away. But you're only 51 years old, dude. This is what I would do. I would I would start P90X and get a little bit of fucking self-esteem and have a little more belief in yourself that you can make it other than trying to do a fucking nine zillion to one shot.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Which you tried to cut down to forty nine thousand with forty nine thousand shots at a billion to one. Yeah, dude, I don't know what to tell you, man. I think you're going to be fine. You're 51 years old. You still got some years ahead of you, but I wouldn't throw my fucking money away like that. I mean, I don't know how to give you advice if you blew all your money on lottery tickets.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
But I don't want you to throw in the towel. You know what I would do? I would write a fucking book. Stare into it. You know, like it's the comics comic. You might be the loser's loser. Write a fucking book about it. You know? Or make some YouTube videos and just tell your fucking story. Get some advertising. Right? Maybe you can make a little bit of money that way.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
We're dialing it in, and pretty soon we're going to be over at the theater working things out, and next thing you know, we're going to be in for premieres.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Shit, it's easy to make $49,000 off the fucking internet. There's enough people that people love people failing. Who the fuck's failed more than you? Turn it around. Turn that failing into a fucking positive. Tell your fucking story. Start going around to schools telling people what not to do. I don't know what you should do, but don't do what I did. Right? That's like country lyrics.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
They're always doing that shit. Like, I was thinking on the drive over here. Talking about this person in front of me who's driving so slow. I was like, Jesus Christ, you got all the time in the world. I'm like, that's such like a country lyric that they would flip around.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You know what I mean? It's one of those type of things. I would just steer into it, sir. I would turn it into entertaining stories and somehow tell them. But I'm also a comedian. That's what the fuck I would do. Other than that, I would stay away from your ex-wife. And I don't know. I don't know what to do with you, son. Try to set a better example by not blowing all your money on lottery tickets.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
and uh preview sorry and then we have opening night buddy of mine he corrected me on all my terminology opening night uh then there's at the end there's a curtain call i'm gonna i'm gonna get all this terminology down because i i sound like i don't know what i'm talking about um so anyway i'm getting uh getting pretty goddamn excited about that um
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Maybe that's the thing. I don't know. Sorry you're in that situation, if you actually are. All right. Text sent to the wrong person at work. Oh, Jesus. This is never good. Dear Billy Graham Cracker Tits, I never thought I'd be in a situation where I needed to write into you like this, but here I am in a pinch. For the last couple of years...
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Certain people at my work have been getting very relaxed with their work ethic and punctuality. So much so that another coworker and I have written an album of songs about its absurdity. Since our office is, well, maybe you can write a song about the guy who just wrote in above me. You know? You guys, you know, then you go on American Idol. I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Anyway, since ours is an office of about 10 people, everybody's job directly relates to everyone else's. And it puts extra strain on the rest of us. Recently, two of the worst offenders, both ladies, not that it matters, have actually, but I mentioned it, have actually gotten promotions for some reason.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
With that said, this morning, I noticed one of the ladies accomplished a, quote, task in our project manager position. to bring food to an office potluck lunch. Being the snarky asshole I am, I took a screenshot to send to my like-minded co-worker with the text, quote, think, and then the person's name, is going a little overboard here. Somehow she only creates to-dos she can get done.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Can't get shit done for work, but for food, the bitch is all over it. When I didn't hear back from him after 10 minutes, I felt this first wave of panic. I knew it immediately. The text had been sent to the lady. Yeah, because what happens is you're thinking about that person, and you're thinking about their name, and you, oh my God, we've all done this.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Completely flustered, I sent a flurry of apology texts, but she didn't respond. All this was happening around 8.30, which is when people are supposed to arrive. This worker usually shows up around 9.45 or 10, but that's beside the point. Well, can you unsend the text? I don't know, does some nerd know how to do that?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Anyways, after I didn't hear from her, I checked the calendar and saw that she was on vacation for the next 10 days. Oh, no. But I know she got the text, and now I'm worried about what she thinks and whether it's going to be weird in the office. What do I do? She's not a bad person, and you called her a bitch, too, and I have to work with her regularly.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Before realizing she was out, I already bought flowers and put them on her desk in order to cover the stench of my own failure." Nah, dude, you can't. Because she knows what you really think. I'm guessing I shouldn't leave them there and let her come back to dead flowers either. Congratulations on your baby girl and, of course, your latest special. Sincerely, I done fucked up. Um...
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Where is she on vacation and is there a way to unsend all of those text messages? That's what I would try to do over the next 10 days. I would not apologize anymore. I would not give flowers. And this is what you got to do, dude. You got to fucking man up. And when she calls you out on it, be like, yep, I'm not going to tell you who I was sending it to.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Don't rat out the other person on any fucking level. Do not rat out the other person, you piece of shit, if you do it. Do not rat them out. I would actually say I was actually sending it to this girl I know who doesn't work here. OK, just say that. And I always bitch to her about people at work. And when she calls you out, I would just say, listen. You know what? No sense sugarcoating it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You're supposed to be here at 830. You show up at 945, 10 o'clock. You're dogging it. You're setting a bad example. And I like working hard. And that text came from the frustration of watching you working, setting the example of not working up to your potential. It makes it a bad experience out here. So that's why I did it. If you're mad at me, I understand.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
But, you know, I stand by that text message. I shouldn't have called you a bitch. I was just saying that the way, you know. Richard Pryor says it. I was just trying to be funny. But, you know, you showing up an hour and 15 to an hour and a half late every day is not good for the morale around the office. That's what that's where that came from. So there you go. And I'm sorry I sent it to you.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And, yeah, I guess that's really all I have going on in my life. I've been running around doing spots. I went up to the Upper West Side Comedy Club. Great room. Went up there on New Jokes Night, New Material Night. You just go up and kind of riff on whatever you want to talk about, which was really fun, man. It was a nice, perfect-sized crowd. Went up there, fucked around, man.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
But, you know. That's it. Fuck it. Fuck it. That's all. That's the only card you got to play. Be like, yeah, I sent it. Although you did fucking put your hat in your hand and apologize. Oh, boy. Can you please write back and let me know how it pans out? I'd love to know. All right. With that, that is the podcast for this week. I'll check in on you on Thursday.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And this time next week, I will be in Phoenix, Arizona, doing two shows a night at a komodi club, also known as a comedy club. And... Be fucking polishing up this fucking hour so I can go on the road and not embarrass myself like this guy did with his text message. You poor bastards. We've all been there. And you know what? Even the lady that you're writing to, I bet she's done it too.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
But she's letting you squirm. Or she's in Aruba or she's someplace where she didn't get the text message. And maybe you can undo it. Maybe you can fucking undo what was already done. This is another fucking movie. This is a fucking movie. This is like Weekend at Bernie's meets Steve Jobs. Fucking one of those things where we used to walk out and be like, look, now you can swipe text.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Right. That's what you do. If you get fired, sir, you should write a fucking script. Write a fucking script about somebody who sent the wrong text message to their boss. Send a text message to the wrong person. That person's on vacation. Okay? And then eventually you're going to have to fly down there. You know? You can co-star with the guy with the eyes.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
He always did the eyes thing that he got from fucking Al Pacino. What was the name of that actor? He was in About Last. Andrew McCarthy. Right? You guys. Maybe he can fucking executive produce it. See that? That's the great thing about entertainment. No matter how bad you fuck up, the more you fuck up in your personal life, the more material you get as a comedian, you get a script out of it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I don't know. You don't sound fulfilled.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Did a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Added to some shit. I mean, it wasn't all brand new material, but I was able to expound on it. Is that a word? Is it? I have no idea. So it's going good. So all I got to do now, I got about like four or five lines left that I have to get word perfect. And then I am I'm off and running here, but we've been having a great time.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I've never gotten to work on anything this long other than editing a movie. But even then, it's like the performances are already done. You know, everything I've done in this business, you know, becoming a comedian. You want to be a comedian? All right, go up and do it. Five minutes. Go on. Come back next week. Whatever. Write some shit. All right. And go. No rehearsal. And perform it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
That's a big last name in Glengarry Glen Ross. But tell Sean Patton, Rich Voss, as always, will be hosting it. I'm going to do a little time in there and we might have a special guest drop in. I'm working on that right now. You never know. Tickets go on sale today at 12 p.m. Eastern Time. All tickets are 75 bucks. Tickets can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org slash patrice2025.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And eat your balls. And come back again. Right? And even like if... I don't know. You get auditions for shit. You have like a day or two. Maybe if you're lucky. Right? You go in. You audition. You hope you... You know. You knock it out of the park. Then you get the part. And you show up. They rewrote a few things. They added something. They took something out. And action. Go. This shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Having a whole... almost four weeks to work on this stuff. I really understand why so many actors, you know, love doing theater and anything. I'm having the best fucking time doing this stuff. So, uh, hopefully you guys can come out and check it out and, uh, hopefully you like it. Um, Yeah, I don't know. That's basically it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
So I've been hanging with my family here all week, which has been fucking amazing. And just hanging out, just doing whatever, not doing anything, wrestling and all of that. playing all the games, reading all the books and everything. My lovely wife, seeing her, that's been fucking fantastic. So I'm going to be doing this one week a month, seeing the family and everything.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
And the FaceTime has really been a savior. But other than that, I have no idea what the fuck is going on in the world. All I know is every day somebody calls me up and says this fucking, you know, they're getting rid of this now, they're getting rid of that. I mean, it's nice to see some politician's
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Actually, you know, stepping outside their party and just fucking finally saying like, what are you billionaire cunts talking about? The fuck are you guys don't even pay taxes. Like how much are you going to take away from the little guy? I kind of feel like a lot of us are like institution. Like if you're in prison too long, you don't know how to survive outside of prison.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
I feel like a lot of us are like fucking institutionalized into believing that there's this party and that party. And everything would be great if you just did what my party wanted. Rather than being like, no, there's a lot of fucking corrupt, fucked up people in both parties serving these fucking super fucking rich assholes. who evidently just cannot have enough fucking money. I don't understand.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
It's got to be like, I don't know, like their quest for power. You ever see somebody who just can't stop getting tattoos? They get like addicted to them and next thing you know, it's like they're drowning in them and it starts creeping up their neck and then they're getting them on their face. They tattoo their whole fucking head and then they just run out. I kind of feel like they're like that.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
It's just like, dude, like... What kind of a fucking asshole has a billion dollars and is still going to work? Like, what the... What are you doing? If I had a fucking billion dollars, like... You could literally go to a town and help everybody out. You could go to a state... And just be like, you know, I want to be the best shit ever. The best, as they say, he's a good shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
That's a Massachusetts thing. I want to be the best fucking guy ever. You just go in, you just rescue a state. Like, I feel like that, the Tesla guy, like if he fucking really just wanted that dopamine of like feeling like a god, just take your money and go to West Virginia. God knows those people need the help. It's one of the most exploited fucking states in the universe, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
In the country, I mean, right? Go there, fix the fucking schools, turn the fucking place around, and live there. It's beautiful. Turn the whole fucking thing around, then name the state after you. You're not going to do better than that. You're not going to do better than that. They don't. They'd rather just keep it for themselves only. Like, what do they want?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Everybody to be peeking over their fence being like, oh, wow, it's got to be amazing to be you, man. And I know I say this all the time, but, you know, you got to look at that guy and realize that God created that guy. You know, that's and that's the thing that I don't believe in the afterlife. That God is an angry God. I just don't, if you believe in God.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
There's no way you can make a man that's named Elon, right? Elon, whatever his fucking name is. You can't make a guy named Elon and he ends up being this big of a douche. He already has a douchey first name. And then he's going to be that big a douche and cause this amount of fucking suffering just for the fucking hell of it. And you created the guy. And then you're going to get mad at me, what?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
One more time, that's www.nycitycenter.org slash patrice2025. Patrice is P-A-T-R-I-C-E. Or by calling the box office at 212-581-1212. All of this info will be posted on my social handles and on my website. Shout out and thank you, as always, to the captain of the ship, the producer, the booker, everybody. All the minutiae of it is Maureen Tarrin. And that's it.
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Because I called somebody a cunt in traffic? You know? Can you imagine having the balls to say that when you're getting judged by God and he starts giving you a rough time and be like, hey, God, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to step on your fucking creative toes here, but I think you got bigger fish to fry, don't you?
Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
You know, I think maybe you have some things that, you know, maybe you should answer to. Like why you've created all these megalomaniacs throughout. Why do you create sociopaths? Why do you create narcissists? Why do you create serial killers? Why do you create these fucking people? Child molesters. Why do you create these fucking people? What's wrong with you? What did I do exactly?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in. How are you? Checking in on you. What's going on?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And then I love, you always go like, dude, what the fuck are you wearing? This is a wake. You know, I don't know. I just like being comfortable. It's like, dude, you're fat. That's what it is. You can't... Like, how far are you going to take this, dude? You're so out of shape, you're wearing sweatpants and Crocs to a fucking wake. What are we doing? You didn't even wear your black Crocs.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You could have been more respectful. Can't come in here wearing lime green Crocs. And then try to play it off like, well, he was a festive guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You know, we saw the light. Fuck you. You got fat feet. Your feet are fat.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It is funny. Like when you look at like clothes and shit, like I've kept myself in pretty decent shape my whole life. So I have yet to have to buy Skechers. I feel like once you get Skechers, once you buy your first pair of Skechers, that's like you're in your AARP card years. And I have one of those motherfuckers, and I always forget to use it.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
They come flying at you like they're going to kick your ass. And all of a sudden you send them flying across the room. It was just me, her and this other comedian. And she just mopped.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You're supposed to be able to use it at a movie theater and get a discount. I got a buddy of mine. He just swears by the thing. He told me to get my... When you turn 50, you can get it, right? If these fucking lunatics... Don't get rid of that, too. I know they're getting rid of, like, Social Security, I heard, or something. I don't know. I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I wish these fucking assholes that are in power right now, it's like, all right, so you're looking at the government, justify yourself. Are you ever going to get around to insurance companies? Are you going to get around to banks? Are you going to get around to the people that poison the food supply?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Are we going to figure out why Bill Gates decides that we're going to have plastic on our apples and he has his own private orchard, I imagine? You think he's eating those fucking things? How the fuck are you a philanthropist when you're fucking feeding plastic apples to babies? That shit used to just be like that shit from the 70s. It was like a place setter.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You have in the middle and it was fake wax fruit. Now they're making you eat it. Eat it, you stinking pig. What movie? Over the Edge. One of the greatest lines ever. That chick running out. Stole the globe. Out of the science room. And the cops locked in the assembly hall. And he's looking out. And she runs by and comes back. And she squats down with the globe.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And delivers arguably the greatest line. In cinema history. Eat it you stinking pig. And then she fucking. They had to make. They had to make sure. They would hold on to their PG rating. I mean eat it you fucking pig. You stinking pig. Poor actress, man. They gave her a James Cagney. Yeah. Oh, Edward G. Robinson. Man, you you're stinking pigs. All you guys. Anyway, plowing ahead here. Yeah.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
the floor with him and like i don't think her heartbeat went up even like half a beat per minute like it was it was fucking effortless and i was like holy shit and then i thought about it i'm thinking like well when she came up you know as much as females comics talk about now how hard it is for female when she came up like i mean it was like ridiculous like
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
So this is my deal. If I'm not lifting at the gym, I get on the elliptical, the elliptical, you know, and then I go over and I do the speed bag. You know, to help with my hand-eye coordination. That's, I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I'm just going to be, I'm just going to go over there and just keep doing that and see if I can, during this play, finally get rid of this fucking double cheeseburger that's just fucking hanging on me.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
So anyway, I'm going to do some stand-up tonight. Oh, Billy's going to get out there. I got some new fucking bits. I got some new ideas. I got some shit that I want to do. I don't have any advertising, so I have to keep babbling. Usually this is right now when I want to just read like an ad. You know?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I got the New York Times, right? Because I'm a meathead. I'm always getting the Post or the Daily News, and I just flip it over and I read the sports section. Because the front section of the Post and the Daily News is just garbage. It's so politically slanted. It's literally like, what if CNN and Fox News had a fucking paper, right? So I'm not reading that shit, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And I know you go, oh, fucking lefty liberal. I get it. I get New York Times is lefty liberal. But there's also information that I wasn't... That is going on in the world that I wasn't aware of. Shout out to the people of South Korea that stopped that dude from he was going to try to impose martial law and he was going to arrest his opponent. In the race or something like that.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And the opponent pleaded to the people to come down there. He almost. And this fucking guy that wanted martial law. He almost did it. And all he needed was like a hundred troops. And they almost came in and did it. But they were able to stop it. And now the dude who tried to have martial law. He got fucking arrested. You know. It was like an episode of Batman. Way back in the day.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
where, you know, the Joker, the Riddler or whatever, the penguin, they would start out and they would, would have control of Gotham. And then by the end of the episode, whatever they had hatched, um, ended up backfiring on them. So that's good to see. It's good to see people saying, we don't want this getting together and stopping something.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's nice to see that, that, uh, that that can still happen. Um, Because I've kind of had this epiphany where if you listen to any politicians, if you watch any of the 24-hour news networks or if you go on social media, it's like these people are all screaming like their heads are on fire. But then you walk out of the house and everybody's like, chill. Like, hey, man, how's it going?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Yeah, it's going pretty good. You think it's going to rain today? Hey, no, I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
So I'm like, you know what? Why don't I walk away from all of this crazy shit? And... You know? Because paying attention to it doesn't seem to be doing anything for me other than making me fucking feel like I'm crazy. I will tell you what I want to do is... I talked about this earlier in the years. I want to do a gig over in Tokyo.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And I want to line it up with... They got this... Somewhere later on this year, they got like... What would you call it? Almost like a car show, but a motorcycle show of all those cafe racers. I'm kind of obsessed with Hondas and Suzukis and Yamahas in the 70s. I used to love those fucking bikes. I fucking loved those bikes. And I remember Harleys. All the Harleys in the 70s.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
So, like, the level of tough that you had to be, I don't think that this comedian understood, like, what she had already... Like, that he was nothing to her. And anyway, I brought it up to her during the break today. And I got to give her a hug and thank her for the free comedy show. It was one of my... Just one of those moments I won't forget where, like...
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Those guys were just fucking scary. Yeah.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
like, dude, legit fucking lunatics rode Harleys when I was growing up, like, your dad didn't get a fucking Harley, you know, like, outlaws, people with tattoos when it fucking meant something, you know, when you got a tattoo and you couldn't get rid of it, like, I don't know what I was thinking, I just want to be a blank slate, I'm starting over, like, you couldn't do that back then, like, whatever the fuck you got was there for life, and, um,
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Yeah, those things just like the Harleys just look mean, Mad Max or whatever. But like I remember the Suzuki's, the Yamaha's, the Honda's like that shit looked fun. And I loved like the brake lights on them. I love the design of them, the seats, the gas tank, the whole thing. And yeah. Obviously, Japan's the one that made them. So they have this whole scene out there.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
The same way you would go to a car show out here where they have all the muscle cars and stuff. They have these incredible shows out there where all these kids restore these bikes. And they're literally driving works of art, I feel, down the street. And also, I heard the coffee in Japan is like... I got a buddy of mine who lives there now. He said it's like next level. So...
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You know when somehow you're taking photos in your pocket and then you have like 18 just like blank photos and then you get all paranoid like, did I erase all of my photos?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It was something about these guys. They were like driving. It was about them driving fast cars up Mulholland Drive. Um...
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I'm bringing it up and now I can't find it. I will get you the name of this movie. I will tell you this. Houston Punchline, Rory Scovel is there tonight and tomorrow. Oh, the 20th through the 22nd. So the 20th was yesterday, 21-22. Yeah, so definitely go down there and check that guy out. He's one of the funniest fucking human beings ever.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
comedians I've ever met and he's so smart and so fucking silly all at the same time like that's like one of my favorite things ever is when a smart person um is acting silly and he's just okay oh I found it I found it King of the Mountain 1981 And all right. So it's all about these guys and they're they're they're up there, you know, racing cars.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
But anyways, Rory Scovel, you got to go see this guy. OK, I'm letting you guys know because I'm getting tired of this shit where, you know, the Internet does not reward the funniest person. The Internet rewards who's the best at the Internet. So if you want to know who the best comics are out there, start asking your comics that have podcasts online. Cause you know, we're in the clubs all night.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Not every night I should say. So we know who the funny guys are. Rory fucking Scoville. And he's an incredible actor too. He did a little part for us in old dads and he was killing me. Um, I just think he's such an incredible talent and he's so fucking unique and so silly and super smart. Um,
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Like, wow, it's so cool to be in this business that I was in this room when that happened. Oh, my God, she fucking destroyed that guy. Top to bottom, destroyed the guy, and then the dude left. And then he came back in and I remember she just goes, she just looks, you know, she was talking to me and he comes in and then she just barely glances at him. She just goes, where'd you go?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
um you know and it's an intense time so you know you want to go down and just have a good time and just forget about life or whatever or just go have a good laugh you had a tough week go check them out at the punchline in houston rory scoville i'm bill burr and i support this message all right that's the podcast everybody um thank you for listening thank you to everybody that's been um coming out to uh
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
the, uh, Glenn, Gary, Glenn Ross shows. Uh, also, um, I have a show in England at the, uh, I don't know where the fuck it is. The Apollo, I think, uh, benefit for Parkinson's disease. It's sold out. Um, I have a special guest that is opening on that show. I will eventually let you know. It's a musical guest. It's going to be fun. Um,
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You know, this has to do with my love for Glenn Tipton and Judas Priest. So I know this other musician that is also a fan of the band wants to come. And we're going to have some fun before my set or whatever. A little teaser there, as they say in the business. All right, that's it. Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Themelis.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I'm in a great mood. You fucking tuck my fucking dick. I don't know why I just sang that song.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I've just been watching a bunch of fucking old, you know, I listen to old country now and then I started listening to old fucking rock and roll. You know, what's his face? Just died.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
The guy used to fucking film chicks that he shit on or something. Whatever his name is. Chuck Berry. Uh-huh. Whoa. Yeah. You know, it's part of one of his classics. If you listen to the background, you hear him shitting on people. I have such respect for him, too. You know, it's just one stuff like that gets out once it gets out.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Um, anyway, so I just been, uh, I'm in a great fucking mood because my fucking shoulder, I had this, uh, rotator cuff injury and it's just been fucking with me since, um, October. And, uh, I finally found an exercise. It works for me, for me.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
All right, so this is the exercise. If your rotator cuff is fucked up like mine is, The problem is, look, with this injury, it's like he can still pick up the same amount of weight you can always pick up depending on the angle. But then shaking hands or just reaching for a salt shaker, all of a sudden you're like, this sharp pain.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I had an interesting morning. I was on The View this morning. The View. The View. And you know what's hilarious is I told my lovely wife. I put the fan on. It's fucking hot as shit in here. I told my wife that I was going to be the lovely Nia. She goes, what are you doing tomorrow? And I was like, I got to do the view. She goes, what? She goes, who the fuck booked you on that?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's basically what I've learned is it's the muscle like it's when you first go to raise your arm, that first 30 degrees. That's what the fuck it is. And then the big boys take over whatever you're doing, how you lifting your lunch pail up. Maybe you got a giant fucking donut. You want to shove it to your face like I did today. I broke my rules about donuts.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You know, my my wife was wanting some donuts. So I went by. There's a Dunkin Donuts out here. Right. So I show up and it's late in the day. It's like fucking two in the afternoon. So all the donuts are gone. You know, they're still making them, but they don't have, you know, they don't have that freshness to them. They got those, you know, the little munchkins. They like the worst flavors left.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It was like blueberry custard and fuck your mother, whatever the fuck it was called. And I was like, that's what you got left. They were like, yeah, I think I left. This is after the people in front of me could not make up their mind. You know. Can we get a dozen donuts? And they lay them down now. That's how long it's been since I've seen anybody get a dozen donuts. They lay them down.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And he goes, uh, you know, I went outside to have a cigarette. She just looks at him. She goes, you smoke too. After she had just eviscerated everything that he was doing and just, uh, it was, it was a fucking work of art. Um, I've told so many comedians the detailed story of that. So that's what you get on this podcast, all right? You ain't in the locker room, so I ain't naming names.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Back in the day, they stood them up and the frosting from one donut got on another donut. You know, and evidently with all the iPhones coming out, somebody finally decided, why don't we make the box a different shape and we'll lay them down. And I imagine the Steve Jobs of Dunkin Donuts went to some sort of comic con of fat people.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And he came out in a turtleneck sweater with this fucking new balance sneakers. And he fucking showed off the box and everybody went, oh, my God. Right. They're fucking man tits bouncing up and down. And you think he gave credit to the poor little fucking eight year old in the back room who had to put those things together? Huh? The blind nine year old girl who fucking designed the box.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Down in fucking East Albuquerque. You think he gave him any credit? Of course he didn't. Of course he didn't. Oh, look who's here. My two angels. Cutie number one and cutie number two. What's up, buddy? Hey, Nia, this is some bad language in here. She can't understand it anyways. What's going on? Do you want to be on the podcast, Nini? Sure. Well, grab a mic.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You shake my nerve and you rattle my brain. Okay. Yeah, you got to grab stuff in the bag. Anyways, so... What did you do? What do you mean, what did I do? You got doggy treats. I know, I know. Come back in a minute. Come back in a minute. I'm in the middle of this story. Oh, all right. All right? Bye. Okay. Bye, cutie. You know that fucking guy who tried to make the donuts? That was just an actor.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
So anyway, so I call up Nia, okay? And I just go, yeah, they don't have any fucking donuts. Their donuts suck there anyways. And she went, oh, my God. She goes, blasphemy. A guy from Boston, which I'm not. I'm from the Boston area. I'm from the safe suburbs. All right? So you can take your goodwill hunting fucking quotes and tell them to somebody else. Because I grew up in a nice suburb.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
There was cul-de-sacs. We played street hockey. We roasted marshmallows. All right? There was no, it's not your fault. There was none of that shit. Nobody liked apples, and I sucked at math, okay? That's it. I climbed trees, and I had a paper route, okay? So enough with the Southie shit. Anybody from Massachusetts is not from South Boston. We didn't steal cars, okay?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
A lot of us are from the suburbs. We slept in bunk beds.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I'm so sick of that fucking movie.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Where are you from? You just say, you know, I'm from Massachusetts. Southie? Did you grow up in Southie?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Like some fucking stuck up Harvard cunt is going to mess with anybody ever from fucking, well, back the way South Boston used to be. Now there are Harvard grads that live down there from what I've heard. I have no idea. I don't know what goes on in that city. OK, last time I lived there, they were just starting the big dig. And that big, ugly green thing was still there.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And going from Faneuil Hall over to the north end, you took your life in your hands. You just felt it. You went underneath the fucking Southeast Expressway. And it was scary, you know. Anyways, what the fuck? So I call her up and I just say, yeah, I got the donuts suck. And she goes, oh, my God. She goes, a Boston guy saying Dunkin Donuts sucks. That's blasphemy.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's like, yeah, nobody gives a fuck about the donuts. It's all about the coffee. All right. I don't drink the coffee. I don't drink coffee. I don't like it. Tastes like dirty water. It burns my tongue. It stains your teeth. It's just it's a fucking it's the trifecta of, you know, I guess it helps you take a shit, though.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I know a lot of people like, you know, I drink a coffee, smoke a cig, take a good shit, get on with my day, you know, have a French fucking curler. It's all about the like their bread and butter is the coffee. OK, that's the lead singer. That's like if if Dunkin Donuts broke up and the coffee went solo. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
That's the George Michael and the donuts are the whatever the other guy's name was, Andrew Ridgely. Anyway, so I go, yeah, fuck that place. So the people in front of me, they could make up their goddamn mind. Like, what do you want? What's in those?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
But it was amazing. So it was cool to go back on there. And I don't know. There you go. There you go. I'm playing the game, man. I'm promoting Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, which, by the way, this is our first sort of full week here. We did two shows yesterday. We have matinees on Wednesdays and we have matinees on Saturdays. And I got to tell you, man, it's it's I was thinking, oh, two shows.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Let's get three of those. They kept talking to each other. We'll get three of the pink ones. And I was already having a bad day because I keep my truck in storage now because we got the little one. It's just easier for my wife to get in and out of the garage.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And I knew if I kept my truck there and she always had to squeeze by it and try and get the fucking stroller and all that shit, you know what's going to happen. Eventually, she's going to be like,
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
What do we need three cars for? And eventually she's going to make me sell it. So I did a preemptive strike and I immediately put it in fucking storage before she could bitch about it. So I had it over the last fucking like five days loving. So I just switch out. All right. I put Jackie in storage and I take out the old girl. Right. And I drove her for like five fucking days.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And of course the battery died because I forgot to unhook the terminals there. Had to get a jump down at the comedy store. Um, And anyway, so I'm going to return the car today. And it's the day before I go on the road. So we have a rule in my house. In my house, there is a rule. Basically, the day before I go on the road, it's family day. I hang out, you know, I make breakfast.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I made some fucking meatballs. I cook the goddamn chicken. I make sure she's got food in the fridge. You know, I'm a hell of a dad. So I make sure she's going to be all right. Right. So I go, all right, I got to return my truck. She's like, when are you going to be back? I'm like, I'm going to be back soon. All right. So I get in the truck and I do what I always do.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I drive down the I got to move fucking, you know, I got to move her car. I become like a valet because I have the shittiest driveway ever. Right. So I'm fucking driving up the street. And as always, big, stupid grin on my face. It's my favorite thing ever. It's three on the tree. It's so much fun to drive.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And whenever I get a little bit of space out here, I just get to fucking run through all three gears. That's all I want to do. Every time I do, I get right in. The second I get it into third gear, I always have the window down. Even though I put some AC in there, I never fucking use it. I didn't use it for so long.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I turned it on and all this white shit came out and I breathed it in and probably took like fucking nine years off my life. Anytime I get it up into third gear and I'm cruising down the street, I always do the same thing. I always go, woo! Every time. I never did that once in nine years of owning my Prius, ever. It's just, it's the greatest sound in the fucking world.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's the sound of a big fucking American engine making it great, running through the fucking gears, loud pipes. It's the greatest fucking sound ever. And every time I get through, I go up the street, right? So I'm having a great time. You know, I'm driving down the street. I got the AM radio on. I usually listen to Keyshawn Johnson's fucking sports show.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
But, you know, it's the weekend, so it wasn't on. And anyways, I get on to, you know, I get on to the fucking highway. And, of course, I'm cruising along. And right before I get to my exit, it is just like this traffic from fucking, it's like 5 in the afternoon traffic of a fucking truck jackknifed. It is just, of course, my exit. And I told the people I'd be over there by noon.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
So I'm starting to feel stressed. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? So I try to make a fucking, you know, a Boston move here. Right. Even though I'm from the suburbs, a Massachusetts move. I'm going to go around all this shit, act like I'm going to drive by and then I'm going to fucking cut in. And I don't know what the fuck was going on. I couldn't see any accidents.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
So I'm trying to go from one highway to another. So I know what I'll do. I'll just fucking, rather than go east like I want to, I'll just get on the west side. I'll take the highway west, go down one exit, and then I'll curl back around. Because I can see on the overpass, there's no fucking traffic. I don't know whether it was like this offshoot to the on-ramp, right, that everyone was going down.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Like, I don't know what the, like, Paul Simon was doing like a free concert or some shit. That was the level of traffic. So I say, fuck it. I get out of the traffic. I drive down, get it up to third gear. Woo-hoo! Right. I fucking go to go west to turn one fucking block, you know, one exit up and then come back around.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And as I fucking go there, all of a sudden, this is all this other traffic going the other direction. And I and this is the first time since I started meditating that I had an absolute meltdown. I literally screamed as loud as I possibly could. Fuck you, L.A. Every fucking cock sucking motherfucking cunt fucking every word you could possibly think.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
That's going to be a lot of work. It's just sort of like.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And then I'm fucking just stuck in even worse traffic going the other way to go one fucking exit up to come back around. And all I'm thinking is where the fuck I would be if I just took the pain to begin with and just stayed in that traffic jam. I'd be creeping forward and whatever. Why didn't I just call the place and say I was going to be a little late? Oh, you know what, Bill?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Because that would have been the chill thing to do, right? I didn't. So it turns out, I look up, I'm like, what the, this is like, it's Saturday at noon. How is there five o'clock in the afternoon on Friday traffic? I am like literally beside myself. Just saying every curse I possibly can. And I look up and there's two little flashers going on and it's tow truck flashers, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
fun times too so then you do like the matinee and i get like i was like amped up to do the matinee you know because everybody oh it's a matinee crowd and you know there's going to be a lot of blue hairs out there fuck that fuck that maybe they wanted to go at night and they couldn't because of their flight or maybe they fucking i don't know maybe they couldn't get tickets let's kick the shit out of them but two in the afternoon on a wednesday and um
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's right fucking there.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Right? And I can't get to it. So I'm like, you fucking, fucking rubberneck and piece. What's going to be changing a tire? It's going to be a fender bender and I'm losing my shit. Now, if I was a fucking dictator, I would deliberately have a car on the side of the road changing a tire. Whoever slowed down and looked at it would be eliminated, would be removed from society.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
fed to the fucking pigs, whatever the hell, whatever that fat fucking North Korea does to his goddamn relatives, feeds them to dogs. That's what I would do. I was actually, I was so fucking mad. I was like, you know, that fat fucking North Korea, he's actually making sense to me. You know? So I get all the way up. I should be careful, man. He might send somebody over here to mist me.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Like he did to his other, you know, he set up those two fucking whores over there, right? To take out his fucking stepbrother. So anyways, I get all the way up to the traffic jam. And of course, it's a little fender bender. There's people standing there. There's nothing going on. But I'm finally going to get past it. Finally going to get off the exit.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Come around and fucking run through the gears and fucking go down the other side. And what do I see on the other side of the road? Where it was all nice and clear. Now there's major traffic. Because the dumb cunts. On the other side of the highway. Are slowing down to look at the shit. On my side of the highway. So now I got to sit through it fucking twice. And something told me.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Don't get off at the first exit Bill. Everybody has this idea. Go to the second exit. And you know. And then come back. And guess what I did. I ignored that instinct. Got off the first one. Fucking dead stop traffic. And the only way to get back on the highway is I got to make this a legal U-turn. And I don't give a fuck. I'm making it.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And I'm just sitting there cocksucking motherfucking dictator fucking cut all their fucking heads off. And I'm getting ready to make my illegal U-turn. And I just happen to look in my rearview mirror. And guess what's two cars behind me? A fucking cop.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Now I got to go straight. I said, fuck this. So I get in the right lane. And I just cruise up and I get out of his sight. I finally fucking turn around. I got I finally got into a good lane and I came back and then I got back under traffic again, looked at the same people looking at the same accident. There was nothing going on. And then I fucking finally was able to continue on.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And of course, I made the call. There was no problem. Nobody gave a shit. Nobody yelled at me. It was fine. I completely lost my shit. I got so fucking mad that when I saw the people on the other side of the road rubbernecking, I gave them the finger. And I was all the way to the right getting off the highway and I gave all of them the finger. Do you realize how immature that is?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I mean, I was just like, have you ever been embarrassed? About yourself. By yourself. Like I actually hit that level. Because like I stuck my whole fucking arm out the window. Giving him the finger. The person behind me could see it. Be like who's this guy giving the finger to? You know. I'm basically saying it wasn't one of my best moments. But anyways. As I mentioned earlier.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
One of the great things is. Somebody showed me this exercise. For rehabbing. the rotator cuff and it's fucking been great. First of all, what you do is you basically, you, you bend over at the waist. No, you're not going to take it up the ass. Okay. Before anybody makes that easy joke, you let your arm hang down.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And then what you start doing is basically your finger, your whole, every, your fingers are pointed at the floor. Your arm's hanging straight down and you just make small circles, right? Counterclockwise or clockwise. And then you just start to make it bigger and bigger just to get to the point of pain. And then you live there for a minute. Then you back it back down to small circles.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And then go clockwise if you want counterclockwise. You just go vice versa. You just go the other direction. You do the same thing again. Whatever that does, it kind of gets some fucking little lube in there. I have no idea. I don't know shit about anatomy, right? And anyways, and then... What you do is you have your arm straight out. Not straight out. You have it down at an angle.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Guys were going up, trying out different ways of doing lines, which really keeps it exciting every night. And last night on the second show, Kieran did this line to me, and he legit made me laugh. And I was trying so hard to hold it together, and I looked at Bob, and he had this smirk on his face, and I almost...
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You walk up to a wall. All right. I have to explain this part perfectly. All right. And by the way, you're at your own risk on this one. You have your arm probably at like a whatever 15 degree angle. You're standing right next to the wall sideways. Okay. Is that perpendicular to the wall? I have no fucking idea, all right?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's like, just imagine the wall was your friend and the two of you went to a general admission concert and you got there early. Just imagine what the space would be between the two of you, but you'd be both looking at the same shit, right? That still doesn't make sense. Perpendicular to the fucking thing, all right? So you reach out, you touch the wall. All right. Your arms at a 15 degree angle.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And then you just slowly start walking it up. And obviously, as it gets more straight, you're going to have to move your body further away from the wall. And you just walk it up with your fingers. So it's basically it's the weight of your arm, but your fingers are taking away most of the weight.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And walk it all the fucking way up until it's like you know the answer in a classroom and you're so excited and you're straight up. And then you walk it back down. You do a set of three to five. And I've been doing it twice a day and my fucking shoulder's amazing. And then I ice it afterwards. Um, and it feels fucking amazing. I actually sat down, played a little drums today.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It was fucking phenomenal. And, uh, I don't know, maybe that maybe somebody can explain it a little bit better. Maybe there's a YouTube video of it. I don't know. Um, so anyways, that's what I've been doing and I feel great. And, um, the guy who, uh, is basically keeping my dog for the rest of her life. So I know she'll be safe.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Uh, was in town and he brought her by and I got to take her on a couple of hikes. We hung out and, um, you know, it's sort of like a shared custody thing. I mean, he has her like 95% of the time, but I know she's safe. She looked great. And, um, It's awesome. I don't know if it's good or bad for me to keep seeing her because it's always fucking unbelievably sad every time when I give her back.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
But as long as I know the next time I'm going to see her, then I kind of have hope or whatever. I just keep jokingly saying that she went to college. And this is like spring break. She comes back in March or whatever. But what's great is I know she's okay. I know she's going to live out a full life. And whenever that day comes... when she's coming down to the end of it, I'm going to be there.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Cause I always, I kind of made a promise, you know, you know, when you get a dog, that's, it's like, you know, that's it. Like how much you love a dog. It's like, dude, I'm there until the end. And, um, you know, even though the way it worked out with having a kid and everything, um, The main point of the whole thing was that she survived and she had a great life.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
She's got this... You know, she's living in a great house now in Arizona and all that type of shit. And it just means I'll play Arizona more. And the person who owns her makes frequent trips out here, always drives out. And I think he'll always bring her because he knows that we love her. Nia got to see her and everything. She came back over the house, was hanging out. And...
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You know, she smelled like us, so she was cool. But it really was never, oh, my God, I just said her fucking name. I just uttered her name. Anyways, and she just basically, you know, it was never about the kid. It was about everybody else that was going to be coming by, and it was going to be too crazy, and the dog was going to get even more protective attention.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And, you know, I went through it with the whole trainer. It was like the dog's going to go to a whole nother level. And I just knew something. Something was going to happen. The craziness of having a kid. So we just we made the right decision. Anyways. All right. Where do we go from here? I'm going to edit that out, by the way. That's going to annoy you guys. You said the name.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I almost broke, which would have been, I don't know what I would have done because my character is supposed to be pretty heated there. But like the shit that we're saying to each other is just so fucking horribly disrespectful that it's like, you know, it's also like funny. It's what I've been trying to explain to people.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You should let me fucking know. So many weirdos out there. Too many weirdos. So anyways, what have I been up to? I've been watching a little bit of the March Madness. As much as I can, you know, having the kiddo around. I watched Duke, you know, win their first round. I don't know. I'm assuming they won the second round or I would have. I'm assuming that they're in the fucking Sweet 16.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
My internet sucks. Right now, the Internet is such a fucking I went, I spent all this fucking money. I was just like, dude, you give me fucking the Internet that Jesus would have. And they said, all right, it's going to be nine million bucks. I said, I'll write that fucking check. You you fucking criminal. And they said, fine. And I had the best Internet for about six months.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And then slowly it just starts sucking again. And what it is is I think they just turn the juice up on your house. whoever's paying the most for it, and then the next guy gets bumped back, and then he's like, hey, what the fuck happened to my good internet?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Well, you know, we upgraded, blah, blah, then he plays, whoever pays more than me, see, I haven't gone back to them in, like, two years, and now, like, I can't even get, I get internet in, like, two rooms in my house, and the rest of it sucks. Let's see if I can look this up. March, madness, uh, There we go. Here we go. Here we go. CBS Sports. What's going on? Come on.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
This is like you're rooting for the slowest horse ever. Now, come on. Load. Oh, my God. It worked. And it worked. March Madness 2017 live tournament scores update. Baba Baba Baba. Where's the fucking bracket? Kansas is the team we expected. I love Kansas. I love I've always I don't know why I've always loved Kansas. I like Duke, UCLA.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's fucking fun to see them just because they're such a legendary franchise. Syracuse exchange plan plans to extend Boheim. I don't see I mean, how to watch Duke versus Carolina. What? The number two Blue Devils will take on numbers on the number seven. Oh, South Carolina, not North Carolina. When the fuck are they doing that? All the Duke games get taped.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
But next year, I think I'm going to add to my sports package. And I want to watch as many of the Duke games in Kansas. I don't know why. I've always loved Kansas. And Duke I got into because I got a couple friends that went there. And then I went to a game. And they treated us great. So it's over. I got to call in Coach K's show. It's over. Wait a second. Did they lose? End of the second half.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's like, you know, a lot of the shit that we say, like if somebody actually said it to you, you would be offended. But to watch somebody say it to somebody else is like really, uh, It's really funny. So anyway, we're cruising right along and the crowds have been have been great. I did want to do stand up last night, but I went to go jump on the subway. Kind of fucking annoyed me.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
No.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
88-81?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
No fucking way. No fucking way. Duke score. I just spelled scores. Duke score. No fucking way.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Jesus Christ. South Carolina scored 65 fucking points in the second half. They scored 23 in the first half. Duke scored 30 and 51. Oh, man. I mean, I knew that they didn't have the team this year, but shit, I thought they at least get to the sweet 16. Um. Wow, I hope that Jason Tatum guy doesn't be fucking one and done. I hope he comes back. And I like that Luke Kennard kid.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You know, Grayson Allen, he had him coming off the bench really well. You'd think, you know, with all that shit, how he wanted to be hated. You'd think he'd be a, you'd think he pouted. You'd think he would pout, but he didn't. He was a fucking man about it. All right, well, congratulations to South Carolina. Jesus Christ, I know a lot of Ducators out there loved listening to that in real time.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Me discovering that they fucking lost. God damn it. All right. I'm Kansas. That's my team. Kansas Jayhawks. I respect all of them, man. I really don't like... I come from a pro sports town, so I don't really have any sort of hatred for anybody. You know what I mean? I don't even hate the fucking North Carolina. I don't even fucking hate them. I don't hate NC State. I just like... I love how...
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
The tradition of all that, you know, I can sit back. I just I picked a fucking team so I can actually get involved in it, I guess. So anyways, I'll root for Kansas the rest of the way. And I also like seeing UCLA do well. And, of course, any fucking underdog. I was watching Northwestern. It sucked watching them lose. They lost them. They came back against the Gonzaga, who I'm so old.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
To me, they're still the new kids in town, even though they've been crushing it for almost fucking two decades at this point. Anyways, let's get back to the podcast. Let's get back to maybe something, Bill, that you sort of know about. How about that? So, anyways, I was listening to all this fucking old rock and roll shit, you know.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And, of course, if you listen to all that shit, you're eventually going to run into Buddy Holly. And I was in that Peggy suit. Peggy suit. Oh, Peggy. My Peggy suit. And I always loved the drums on that. And I never knew what the fuck the guy was doing. I guess he was just playing paradiddles. That guy, Jerry Allison. I just love the way he plays on that fucking song.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
He's just playing paradiddles around the kid. He's got the snares off. And I love about wherever the music's going, if it's, you know, just playing those basic, what is it, two chords? I don't know shit about guitar. The brighter chord, he's up on the higher note or whatever, he's on the higher tom, and then he goes to the floor tom, then occasionally comes back to the snare.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's just a fucking beautiful piece of music, you know? And I'm learning this shit right now with my drum teacher. about how to finally get my paradiddles and shit and playing singles and doubles, going in and out, getting them up to speed while being totally relaxed and letting the stick do the work. And it's the hardest motherfucking thing in the world because you already can play it
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
up to a certain speed, just your own fucked up technique way to just say, fuck all of that and drop like a hundred BPMs, you know, and start all over again is a bitch. But if you stick with it, it gets, I'm not going to lie to you, it gets pretty fucking exciting where all of a sudden it's just like, wow. I don't even feel like I'm, I'm exerting any effort whatsoever.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And I'm like three quarters up to what used to be my full speed. Um, I don't know. It's exciting shit. So by the way, you know, now that I got the kiddo, my lovely daughter, um, who every time I think I can't, I'm not going to like, you don't think the loves can go any further. They develop more and more of their personality comes out. And you're like, Oh my God, she does that.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And then it just goes to a whole level. Like now she's smiling. Like you can't believe. And the other day I was sitting there, I was with her and diapers clean. She's got a full belly. I'm holding her. I'm doing all this shit that usually stops her from crying. And she's just being cranky and crying. I was just like, what the fuck could this possibly be?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I went down the stairs and these people were coming up and they don't say anything to me. And I go all the way down the stairs in the fucking subway. The turnstiles had, like, the police tape on it. Like, they weren't using it. It's like, you could have fucking said something, you cunts. And I go down there, and then it smelled horrifically, horrifically of fucking urine.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And that's my favorite part about being a parent right now is trying to figure out the, the riddle, like what's going on with her. And you know what I figured out for all you guys with newborns, you know, that are starting to develop out there. You know what I figured out? I was like, she's fucking bored.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I'm doing the same shit, and this shit was interesting for about a week to 10 days, and now she's over it because she's hit a new level of consciousness. You know, she can see a little bit better, whatever, hear a little bit better. She's starting to understand all those are my feet. You know, she needs something else.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
So, you know, we do like this tummy time thing, trying to get her to pick up her head and learn how to crawl and stuff. So I brought her over to the little pad thing, and it's this little thing that's got like, you know, these little – you know, rattles and shit hanging down from it.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And I just turned her over onto her back and I had her look at those things and she just looked up and was completely enamored with them. And like, that's the new thing. Now I put her on her back and when she looks at him, she smiles at him like they're her friends.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And this is the greatest thing ever because up until now, I've had to carry around like a kettlebell everywhere I went and was, you know, messing with my shoulder and shit. But you know, you love your kids, so you're like, fuck the shoulder. The shoulder comes a distant... you know, 20th in this race, you know, the first 19 spots of my daughter, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
So now what's great is I can just bring that tummy time thing into where I'm watching sports. I put her on her back.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
She's looking at the fucking, her friends hanging and I can sit on the couch and keep that thing moving with my bass drum foot, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
As I'm watching, as I'm watching the games, it's like the greatest thing ever. I watched like a whole first half of, um, Northwestern Gonzaga. I just sitting there doing that movement. It's the greatest thing ever. So if you got a kid that's crying out there, And the diapers clean and they're full and all that. Maybe they're just bored. Try something new, some new stimulus. Oh, I was so psyched.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's such a luxury to not have to be holding every five seconds. You know what I mean? Because they're like these little fucking kettlebells and they're hot as hell. They're like this hot water bottle. You know, they're getting all hot. You're getting all. It's just awful. It's like you see. It's like you're stuck in a crowded elevator. Yeah, I feel like I'm going through menopause.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's like the fucking hot flashes here. Hot flashes. Anyways, so let's do a little bit of... Let me read some of the advertising here, everybody. The advertising. What am I doing? Did I just open the maps? Why would I do that? All right. That's the end of you guys listening to me read out loud. Well, at least advertising.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I got to tell you, that fucking Bloomberg, man, he fucked this city up so goddamn bad with this bullshit. Like, taking a cab now, it's slower than walking. He completely eviscerated Broadway. He stuck fucking tables and chairs in the middle of the fucking street. And I was walking through Times Square and there was this fucking guy sitting there. Like, drug addict, homeless or whatever.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Was there anything else I wanted to talk about before I fucking got into the goddamn... Oh yeah, you know something? I'm going to be in San Jose.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
If anybody knows a good rehearsal space out there that has some good sounding drums and I can maybe go over there for a day or something like that because I don't get to, you know, I'm always on the practice pads here and I miss playing drums and I'm learning all this cool shit. And you know the deal, man. I'd love to get those fucking V-drums.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It'd be nice if they hooked me up with a free one and I could talk to my listeners about how awesome they were. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Give me the fucking drums. Um... But, you know, playing on a real kid, that's the real deal. You know, I love those electronic kids. But at the end of the day, they make you sound fucking amazing. You're like, am I the next John Bonham? I think I am.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And then you get behind a real kid. You're like, oh, wait a minute. I suck. All right. Donut shop while in San Jose. Hey, Bill, I know you've been in San Jose. I know you'll be here coming up, and I think I know of a spot that's totally your style. It's called Stan's Donuts. I know you're cutting the carbs and shit, but goddamn, is it worth the extra elliptical time?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Just an old school donut shop that's been around for decades and hasn't changed a bit. None of that crazy soy-based, gluten-free, pomegranate fritter with cruelty-free bacon bullshit. Just the classics. Chocolate, maybe an old-fashioned or jelly-filled. You fucking asshole. I'm trying to lose weight. Don't tell me about this place. But holy shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
The only one you need from Stan's is the plain glazed donut. I'm going to be there with Dean Del Rey. Oh, he's off sugar, so he won't do it. They will give you a glazed donut so fresh it might burn your mouth if you aren't careful. And you can see them pulling them out of their fryer just behind the counter. Can't beat it, dude.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
My mom used to take me here before school when I was really little, and I came back for the first time in like 15 years the other day, and it's even better than I remembered. Well, you got a little child sense memory going on there. Oh, my God, dude, why are you doing this to me? Immediately thought of you and that you'd like the old school feel of the place.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's like five minutes from the San Jose improv. Make it happen. Do it for Stan. Oh, God. Well, I can tell you that's definitely happening. Well, you know what? I'm going to do I'm going to do a tour of San Jose, one of my city tours. We're definitely I'm going to fucking go there. I'm going to end there eating a fucking donut. Maybe I'll start there, just hating myself. All right. Redskins.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Redskins. I'm sitting here listening to your podcast on the past Monday, and I'm thinking about the Redskins. Keep the name. Change the mascot. Change the mascot to a potato. That's fucking hilarious, but that's not intimidating. You know what I mean? The Redskins. Of course, their nickname would be the Hash Browns. But you know what? You know hash browns are delicious. That's fucking hilarious.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You know something? That's actually fucking brilliant. So you still call them the Redskins. You change the mascot to a fucking potato. You know something? That's one of the most brilliant fucking ideas I think that's ever been fucking sent in. God knows I've never said anything better than that. That's fucking brilliant. Change it to a fucking potato.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
But then what do you have on the side of your helmet? Then you know what you do? You just go back to the old logo with the R on the side. And the feather hanging off is the red skin like you peel the potato. You know that thing when people like they peel and they go all the way around in a circle. It could be like that. Great idea. That right there. That's a funny motherfucker.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
He was picking a scab to the left of his navel. And whatever he was picking off his fucking exposed belly, he was wiping on the table. I think Bloomberg's heart was in the right place. But it's like, dude, you can't completely abandon the public educational system. Let our food supply be turned into poison.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I hope you're very successful in life. Thank you for the. That's fucking. I didn't ever think of that. I'm slipping as a comedian. All right. The Great Barrier Reef. By the way, did you hear Netflix is going to switch from the stars from five stars to thumbs up, thumbs down? I don't know. Why would you do that?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You know, because I give, you know, if it's just thumbs up, thumbs down, it's just such a wide peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Thumbs up. Gourmet meal on the French Riviera. Watching the fucking from a yacht, watching the fucking the end of a Formula One race in Monaco. Thumbs up. The Godfather. Thumbs up. Meatballs. Thumbs up. You know what I mean?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth. Thumbs down. Adolf Hitler. Thumbs down. I guess because they get the fucking ratings. It doesn't matter. But I mean, I like it. I like it. Let's me know. You know. Like, okay, people like this. How much do they like this? I don't know. Three stooges. Thumbs up. Schindler's List. Thumbs up. I mean, it's just a what?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Does anything mean anything after that? All right. Great Barrier Reef.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Hey, Billy Boy, huge fan of the show. Thank you.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Remember you were talking about the Great Barrier Reef a couple of weeks or months ago? Not really sure anymore. Too much weed, man. Anyway, I saw this on the front page of the New York Times and thought you would enjoy shitting on Australia some more. I don't like shitting on Australia. I was just shitting on that guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It basically says that huge sections of the great barrier reef that stretch across hundreds of mile were recently found dead and they were killed by overheated saltwater. I know this is coming from a liberal paper, but I think it's pretty clear evidence. There is significant global warming. Anyway, you fat Ebola ridden piece of shit. Love the podcast and keep on keeping on. Um, Yeah.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I gotta be honest with you. I, I don't watch, I don't read up on a lot of the environmental stuff. Uh, cause it's too fucking depressing. I love animals, man. I love the earth, man. I don't want to see fucking see life dying and all that shit. Um, I don't know. I don't know what this is. Just too many of us. It's just like, I think a plague is coming or, um, I actually think that the robots, uh,
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
will be in control of the upper one percenters and they will gradually take all of us out. And then what will be, will each one of those Illuminati guys will have their own robot with all the answers. I mean, it's, it's a fucking, it can play guitar like Jimi Hendrix. It can design the most beautiful architecture. It's the greatest farmer. It's just whatever you need it to fucking do, it can do.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
So you'll never go hungry. You'll always be entertained. And on top of that, it'll be the best looking chick you've ever seen in your life. And you can fuck its brains out. I mean, right there, if that's not going to be the extinction of all the regular people like myself, I think that that's what's going to happen. And then the earth will gradually cool.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
with all of our deaths, the Great Barrier Reef will come back and the upper 1% will have what they always wanted, complete control. But I actually think they'll get bored after a while. You know? There's nobody to oppress. There's nobody to look down on. You know? That's actually a fascinating fucking movie, wouldn't it be? Like, there's just no more challenge. Right?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And give us these stupid iPhones and think that you just... And then simultaneously, you're just going to throw tables and chairs in the street and it's going to become Paris. It's not how it works. All right? We're fucking animals. You got to bring us inside first and get us house trained before you try to, you know, recreate as they do on Instagram.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And those robots know how to, like, You know, they can like grow an ear in a Petri dish. Eventually, you'll be able to grow all vitals. You know what I mean? And then you can just live forever. What would you do? What would you do? There's a reason why you die. You just run out of shit. What the fuck would you do? I would just keep learning shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's like, all right, for the next 80, like every 80 years, you just pick being something. All right, this 80 years, I'm going to be a gearhead. I'm going to learn how to take a whole fucking car apart, put it back together, make it fast, fast and loud. I'll just learn how to do that shit. I'll have the robot right here. It knows everything. It'll fucking teach me how to do it.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And then once I get it down, you know, and I do that for a while, you know, fucking learn every instrument, learn every language. You're eventually just going to run out of shit to do. And you'd just be looking at your robot, just going like, dude, I know this is fucking nuts. I know we've been together now, sweetheart, for fucking 800 years, but could you do me a favor?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Do you want me to kick you in the balls? No, sweetheart, I don't. It'd be funny if they, even though it totally looked real, it totally felt like a real person, but they could never perfect the voice, so it'd still fucking talk like that.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You're killing it for me.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You'd have to just say to the fucking thing, look, 800 years, okay? I'm coming up on 800 years. All right, I've lived more years than Hank Aaron hit home runs. Could you do me a favor? On my 800th birthday, I know what I want, okay? Could you just choke me to death, please? Not compute, you know, and you just they won't kill you. And then you're fucking your punishment is that you live forever.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You know, you kind of like a vampire at that point because you can kind of seduce any woman you want because they're all going to be, you know. You're just going to get you know what I bet after a while, if you live long enough, you just start banging. You'd have you'd make like ugly chick robots and you just bang them because you were so sick of banging tents.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I mean, it's a fucking it's a hell of a goddamn it. I don't think human beings can survive in that. Just you just think of all the shit that that's going to happen. All right. Female comedians. What the fuck is this? I didn't know this was coming up. All right. Hey, baby daddy Billy boy emailing from Dublin. Big fan of the podcast is stand up.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I've been watching a lot of stand up specials over the last month. Recently, I'm making a concentrated effort to watch female comedians because all the comedians I'm a fan of are men. Unfortunately, I've struggled to find many who meet the mark. I just watched so-and-so's Netflix special, which was hilarious. Okay, then I'm going to say the name. Kathleen Madigan.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You ever see that when the Americans try to recreate the cafe experience in America? You ever see those things? It's fucking hilarious because, you know... Even like a lot of big cities, like there's not a lot of good like sitting out on the sidewalk and watching people go by. That's why I kind of like, you know, the parks and stuff, you know. You get like a nice park bench.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Yeah, she's the fucking real deal. And she's a total hot shit. I love her. She's been fucking crushing it since I started. English comedian Joe Brand was also excellent, although I don't know if she's still active. Beyond all the others I've seen, all the others have been shit, in my opinion. My issue with this disparity is that I don't think men are funnier than women in general.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
The women in my life, like my girlfriend, my sister and friends are just as funny as my guy friends. In your experience, would you find male comedians funnier like myself? If so, why do you believe this is the case? Could it be the fact that the industry is so male heavy? Are women comedians trying too hard to emulate their male counterparts? These are all questions I can't answer.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I don't fuck it. I don't know what the deal is, and it's all your opinion. Maybe I'm just an ignorant prick, but I feel like there's a female perspective in comedy that would speak to me that isn't met by the better-known female comedians. Either way, thanks for the laughs. Congrats to you and the lovely Nia on the little baby bird. Go fuck yourself. I don't know, dude.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's like, you know what it is? I just think it's like bands. You're into a certain style of music, and the other shit doesn't speak to you, so you don't. You don't go to that. But every once in a while, there's a band, you know, oh, fuck. I didn't think I like country music. I like this country music. I just think I don't know what the deal is.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I don't know why there's so much of that fucking talk. My shit is this. OK, if you're fucking funny, you're funny. If you're not funny, you're not funny. OK, and it's not the crowd's fault. It's not this. It's not the fucking Martians.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's you're not funny.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And one of the things I found with people, male and female, who aren't funny is they fucking got every goddamn excuse in the book. And I just want to say, hey, just go on stage and fucking kill. And all your problems will be solved. Go on stage and fucking kill. That's what it was. You know, that's what it's always been.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
If you do that, all of these fucking issues that everybody, oh, there's this over here. There's that over here. There's a fucking liberal bias. There's all of this. It's all fucking bullshit. If you go on stage and you fucking kill, you're going to get work. That's it. That's it. So I don't know. Whatever. I'm so fucking sick of all of that. Are women funny? Blah, blah, blah.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
To just lump everybody into a group. I is more, just ask me, do you think Kathleen Madigan's funny? Just ask me that in that email. I think she's fucking hilarious. I love her delivery. And you know what I love about her? She can just stand there and be funny. I got to jump around, scream and yell, act shit out. She can just stand there and fucking murder.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
for an hour and you know what's great too is you meet her and she's totally down to earth and she's fucking awesome so there you go that's the positive way of me getting out of that type of shit because i'm not walking into that like why the fuck do you think i would answer any of that shit you know what i mean look what what business are you in okay why don't you shit on some people in your fucking your fucking arena i don't want to do that it's cannibalistic um
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I go, what are you talking about? She goes, all the dumb shit you've said about women. What the fuck are you going?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
There's people going by either cutting through the park, working out, fucking weirdos, musicians, sociopath, fucking, you know, Wall Street tech guys, you know. You just look at them going like, I wonder if they have like a solid platinum axe in their house. And they listen to Huey Lewis. I know that scene is fucking nuts, but how sick is that fucking axe? Anyway, plowing ahead here.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Oh, my God. I mean, there's just so many. Do I got to like name funny female comics for you? Is that what I got to fucking do now? I got to do your fucking homework. All right. Feeling in love with my best with my lesbian best friend. Hey, Billy Dadbot. Jesus, you're so fucking right. I'm a huge fan of all your shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I loved your new special. I need some advice. I'm a young guy and I haven't even tried to get into a relationship in a few years because my last one turned into a fucking nightmare. Anyways, over the past year, I've been hanging out with this lesbian and we've grown close. Oh, Jesus, dude. This is the ultimate. This is the ultimate just cold case file, dude.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You're chasing leads that aren't even there. She's amazing and my best friend. The problem is I find myself growing more and more attracted to her by the day. We've talked about having a threesome. Which makes me think she might want to fuck me but doesn't want to admit it to herself. Oh, strike everything that I just said. Dude, you have fucking walked into paradise.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I am happy for you, my friend. God bless you. God fucking bless you. I hope this fucking turns out the way I think it's going to. This just made the rest of my day that someone's in this situation right now. Lately, she's been trying to get me a girlfriend, probably so this sexual tension can be redirected. What the fuck do I do, Bill? Please help me and go fuck yourself. What do I do?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Dude, I've never been in this situation. I'm living vicariously through you. What do you do? Don't fuck it up. Dude, okay, wait a minute. Who's been in this situation? And don't fucking lie to me. Send in what this guy can do so he doesn't fuck this up. Oh, dude. God fucking bless you. What do you do? Oh, Jesus. Okay, what the fuck would I do? I don't know, man. You know what I would do?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I would go out drinking with her, right? And I would fucking, all right, pick somebody out. Who do you like? You go up, you strike a conversation, you know what I mean? Maybe she strikes up the conversation so the fucking other lady keeps her defensive shield down. Okay, this is what you do, dude. You get into great fucking shape, okay? You got to help out your lesbian girlfriend, okay?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You get yourself a new fucking wardrobe. You got to look right when you're going out. You put on a pair of fucking MeUndies. Okay? You eat Blue Apron for a goddamn month. You shed some fucking pounds. You put on some beyondies. You dress fucking right. Okay? Give your lesbian friends something to work with. Are there any lesbians listening to this fucking podcast? How does this go down?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Fuck. Maybe she knows. Hang on a second. Let me hit pause. You know what I realized? You know what I realized? She's going to come in here Ahold of my daughter, and we can't talk about this shit when she's here. All right? Well, I'm going to have to put this... This one I can't do. Okay? And I always say, oh, it's a fucking podcast. She's never going to be on again. No. My daughter's developing.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Eventually, she'll be playing with toys. She can sneak in here, and she can answer some goddamn questions. All right? There you go. Or... I don't know how to do it. Anyways, dude, I don't know what to tell you, dude. I'm so fucking excited I can't even think straight right now. God bless you. I hope this fucking works out, man. And I want to hear the fucking story.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Okay, lately she's been trying to get me a girlfriend probably so this sexual tension can be redirected. Yeah, you know, so basically every once in a while she doesn't mind banging a guy as long as there's, you know what it's like? It's like you're going out to a restaurant, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
She's going to order one thing, you're going to order the other thing, but she's going to take a couple of fucking, you know, a couple of spoonfuls off of your plate. That's what's going to happen here. Oh my God, this is fucking tremendous. Fucking tremendous. God bless you, dude. I have no advice. I've never been in that situation. It's tremendous. All right. Good luck to you.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
All right, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday and I'll check in on you on Thursday. And thank you to everybody. My shows are sold out in San Jose. I'm doing two Monday, two Tuesday, two Wednesday. I'm working with the great Dean Del Rey. We're going to fucking kill it when we're up there. And also, I need to hype this show I have coming up.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I'm doing a fucking we'll send the link out. On March, I'm doing this MS benefit and they're honoring Richard Pryor. And it's on March 25th, 7 p.m. out here in Los Angeles. I'll put up the link for tickets and all that. I believe we just tweeted it out. I'm going to be co-hosting with Craig Gass. There's going to be all these amazing musicians there.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It's going to be a great night for a great cause. I hope you guys can make it down. It's a Saturday night. Come on. Come on down. There's a fucking taco truck down there. It's going to be a great time. All right? That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I'm totally into fucking MotoGP. I've had the time being out here to get into this stuff. What is it? COTA is next, right? Circuit of the Americas down there in Austin. Unfortunately, I won't be able to make the race this year because I'm working here in New York, obviously, but very excited about that. And, you know, I want to see is like this, you know, Mark Marquez thing is just crazy.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
He's literally won everything. He's gotten both sprints, won both races, was pole position on both. It's just been the Mark Marquez parade. But I'm kind of excited that his brother has been able to... He's the only guy that's been able to keep up with him. So I got to think on one of these... You know, because the same thing happened on both races.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
We both just started laughing. I go, I don't know. I think it's going to be all right or whatever. And I went in and it was great. I had a great time. And, um, I got to tell you a funny Joy Behar story that I never told. It's I'm going to make it vague because I don't want to get, you know, I don't want to say the whole thing. But one time, whatever, our paths crossed. Right.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
The first race, he let Alex pass him so he wouldn't chew up his tires, and he just sort of rode behind him. Um, until he just makes this decision that I'm going to pass you. And he just does. I was watching this whole cool video on like his ability, how late he breaks and how it puts all of this weight on the front of the bike. And then how he transfers it at the last second to the back brake.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I don't know what he's doing, which helps him dive into the turn and then roll on the throttle when he comes out. But, um, it's, uh, It's like an art. It's like an artist. It's unbelievable. So I don't know. We'll see. We'll see where that goes. So anyway, oh, fucking Billy in shape. I'm still going to the big gay gym, man. Underrated. Joining a big gay gym.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
The level of shape that gay guys are in. It's like motivational. Like you come in there and you're like, no matter what shape you're in, you feel like you got a dad bod. But then after standing next to the gay guys, you feel fucking horrible. But then when you hang out with dads, you're like, oh, dude, I look fucking great.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I think all of those gay dudes in there, because men are visual creatures, like they literally have to go in there and be like in the Calvin Klein underwear shape. Like that's what the fuck they're going for. Where like if you just go to a gym in like the suburbs. You know, every guy in there is just trying to get rid of his man tits.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
If he doesn't have man tits, you know, if his chest is sticking out a little further than his stomach, he's like, I fucking look all right. I like those guys with the belly and they go, but look, it's solid. It's fucking solid. It's like that's the fat. It's calcified. Those aren't abs.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Remember, I remember a long time ago, a guy used to say that he used to talk about how fucking hard his stomach was. And we used to believe it. And then years later they did a study going like, well, you know, when the fat's in there long enough, it starts to like, it starts to get like petrified. And I don't mean scared. I'm talking more like, uh, some dinosaur shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Um, so anyway, only got one show tonight, which is cool. And, uh, I've been playing a little bit of drums and some guitar. All right. So here is, here I am with my guitar. Um, I'm trying to learn one Angus Young guitar solo. So I'm trying to learn the solo from you shook me all night long.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And I'm hoping in learning that and trying to figure out what notes I'm actually playing rather than just doing like the tab thing or have some YouTube guy. I mean, I am watching a YouTube guy who's showing me how to do it, but like, I'm hoping that that's going to, uh, I don't know, open up something else, but, uh, It's a fucking... It's a hard instrument for me.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Drums just are like... I don't know. I just always related to them. I think because I came from playing sports, it just felt more like a physical thing, where guitar is just like... The intricacies of it and the... Vibrato and bending strings and... I don't know. And then just that confusing...
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Like the guitar to me in my brain, what is that old accounting tool where they would have like those beans, you know, they call them bean counters, right? They would have like the beans on like almost like a clothing line where you would like dry clothes. I know you guys know what the fuck I'm talking about. I don't know what the hell it is.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And they would just sit there moving the beans around and you're looking at it going like, how the fuck does that make any sense? I always looked at the fretboard like that. You know, like even when you go to tune the guitar, you know, as you're going down, it's that fucking, you get to the G string, which always goes out of tune.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And then all of a sudden you're pressing down on the fourth fret to get a B. Everything else is the fifth fret, the whole way down, except for that. And then when, like, I don't know, when you're kind of moving up the neck of the guitar, like it's all the same, all the same, all the same. Then you get to like the B string or the G string. And then it's not your first finger, it's the middle finger.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
So I'm talking to her. She's cool as shit. Right. And there was some other comedian there, you know, and for whatever reason, he started like trying to pick on her or whatever. And the dude was a really funny dude. And he started picking on her in the effortless way that she like trashed this dude. It was what's that martial arts style like a keto, you know, where you use their energy.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I don't know. It's, it's, I don't know. It's confusing as I just explained that is how confused I am when, um, when I played the guitar, but I'm trying to push myself outside of it. When I get fucking time, when I, when I stopped being media boy here, um, I got to, uh, I got to sign up for that Dave Kushner masterclass. Cause he gets into guitar theory and shit like that.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
And I'm hoping it's going to help me. Um, I also did the tonight show the other night. So first of all, thank you to everybody at the view, the ladies on it could not have been nicer. They were sweethearts. And, um, Everyone at Tonight Show was cool. And I'll tell you this, underrated, I don't know if you can buy this, is the Tonight Show sweatshirt that they give you.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
I usually give the merch away, but I looked at that sweatshirt and I'm like, oh my God, that looks like... That's like walking around wearing a pillow. So I actually wore it yesterday. You feel like a douche wearing a TV credit that you have walking down the street. If you're a writer on the show, it's cool to have a Tonight Show sweatshirt on.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
But if you actually did the show, you look like a douche. But I still wore it. That's how comfortable the sweatshirt is.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Weren't you on The Tonight Show? Yes, I was. You can read it right on my sweatshirt. So it's my new favorite sweatshirt.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
My two favorite sweatshirts are that one and then a few years ago, me and my lovely wife, we rented a trailer, like one of those all-silver ones that the hipsters redo. Whatever you call, though, we stayed in a trailer for two days in the Santa Monica Mountains. And we came down the hill and we went there for to get some food. Right. And I bought a Malibu sweatshirt like a tourist.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
It was funny because Bartnick was making fun of my sweatshirt going, that's like a rich person sweatshirt. I go, no, it isn't. I go, this sweatshirt said I was passing through Malibu. If you live in Malibu, you don't wear a shirt that says Malibu. You know, if you're a tourist, you want to prove that you were there like nobody who lives in Paris or lives in New York.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
You don't wear like one of those fucking New York City, you know, duck motherfucker or that. Fuck you. You fucking fuck those things. Tourists buy that shit. So I was a tourist and I acted appropriately and I bought a Malibu sweatshirt. And it is the most fucking those two really comfortable. That's what it is when you get older, you know? When you're younger, you want to be a badass.
Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
The older you get, you want to be, like, comfortable. And then, like, and then fat people, like, they comfort over everything. Like, I'll still, you know, if I have to get dressed up, I'll put on something uncomfortable, like a tie or some shit, right? But, like, fat people, they don't give a fuck. You know, fat people will show up to a funeral in sweatpants and Crocs.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
and you know i was like most people i was like all right this will last a week all right this will be two weeks all right come on guys let's get it together let's stay away from each other and this thing will burn itself up everybody just do what they're saying everybody just stay away from each other and it can't spread right right that makes sense right everybody no and it just kept going and going and going and going and uh
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I don't know. So how I dealt with it is I would fucking. I don't know. I just I started hanging out later and later at night with my wife and I was fucking eating ice cream sandwich. Oh, that's what I did for some stupid fucking reason. I went down a rabbit hole.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And I remember there was this, when, when I was a kid, I was living on the East coast and they had like, you had milkshakes and you had fraps, which what was fucking better than that when you were a kid, right? Ice cold sugar right to your fucking brain. And, um, My grandparents lived out in the Midwest, and we went out to the Midwest, and we would go to Bob's Big Boy, and they had malts.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
They had a malted milk, so they would put malt in it, and it had this great aftertaste. And me and my siblings loved these things. So for whatever reason, I don't know what happened. I went down this fucking rabbit hole of reading the history of where the frap came from. It came from like New Jersey and then it worked its way up to fucking Massachusetts. All of this shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And the difference between a malted milkshake and blah, blah, blah. And it just took me back, you know, riding in a Caprice Classic station wagon, road trip, you know, out to Ohio, Illinois, Michigan. We were going all around out there. We kept stopping at these Bob's Big Boys, and I got a taste for it. So I ended up buying malt.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And I went on YouTube and learned how to make a malted milkshake, like this elevated thing. And that was it. I've been a fat fuck ever since. You know, there's a lot of warnings out there about like everything from fucking... you know, heroin to fucking vaping. But like, there's nothing out there to warn you about if you learn how to make your own fucking milkshake at home. I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
You know, sometimes I think about that where they talk about how, you know, as you get older, your metabolism slows down so it's hard enough to keep the weight off. It's like, I don't think that's necessarily what it is. It's part of it. But the other part is you now live on your own and you own a blender.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I was psyched, you know, cause I've been doing a lot of standup and, uh, you get rusty quick, but I have been going to my big gay gym.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
OK, and there's no one there to tell you to go to bed and to say, no, you already had a cookie today. You're not having another. You're not having a second dessert.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
God damn it. Get upstairs before I give you a reason to go upstairs. You don't have that anymore.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Checking in on you. Seeing how your week's going. Are you staying away from the news, man?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
You know. And you're working in a cubicle and this isn't what you dreamed of. And you're still trying to figure out what your dream is. And you're on fucking Instagram and everybody's dreams are coming true evidently every two seconds except for yours. And you're like, what the fuck? And then you look over at your blender and it's over on the counter like, hey man.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I think there's a reason you never really put me away. Like you do all the other things in the kitchen. Like, I think there's a reason I'm out here out in the open, man. We're supposed to be together, man, making things, man. Right? So what do you do? Do you make a fucking smoothie? Which I don't even know if those things are healthy. You got to put like 40 pieces of fruit in there.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Like, how much sugar is that? Why don't you just have one apple?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
That's another thing, too. All of these fucking cunts with this diet shit that tastes good. Anything that says it's going to help you lose weight, but it still tastes good, is fucking nothing but chemicals. I'm convinced of that. So I'm literally to the point, I have salads now with no dressing on it, which is... One of the worst things you're ever going to do the first time.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Um, and, uh, which has been fucking great. I've been going to that every single day, just about, I take one day off a week, um, And, uh, holy shit. I mean, old Freckles, he let himself go. Like, I am, like, dropping weight and all of that, and I still sit down on the couch, and I can grab two fucking cheeseburgers in the front. Like, doubles, too. You know what I mean?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
But after the third time, you get used to it. And you start to get into what your addiction becomes is being level. Rather than the sugar, salt, spike. You know what I mean? Like, here we are. Three, two, one, lift off. You know that shit? Yeah! And you just have this boundless energy for about 17, 18 minutes. before you come crashing down, you know, right at the half-hour mark.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
You're like, what does life even mean? I've been trying to avoid all of that shit, so... I don't know. It's been going all right. I made my own mayonnaise. I mean, guys, I don't know what to tell you. I am just fucking... the loneliest I've been. Like, I used to be able to be this guy, you know, before I fell in love with my wife... And had two amazing kids. And, you know, yeah, I'm glad.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I've discovered, I was like, all right, I used to do this. I'm German-Irish. I can just wall off the loneliness and just function. And I'm proud to say I can't anymore.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
lonely i'm sad and uh yeah that's that's where i am i think i feel like i might be going through menopause i don't know what this is um anyway i had some somebody the other day like just started telling me what it was like to go through menopause and i don't even know how we got on the fucking subject but once this person got going she wouldn't stop and uh
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
You know when someone's just fucking going and you're not looking at them, you're just sitting there with your eyebrows up. Which is the clear, polite way of saying, okay, I got it. But she wasn't stopping.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Like Charlie in Platoon. Charlie ain't stopping this time.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I got a bad feeling, man. She just kept fucking going. I was sitting in a comedy club. This woman of a particular age started telling me that she was going through menopause and what it was like. And then I had no idea what it was like to go through it. And it's just like, yeah. Yeah, I don't. I don't have any idea. Because I'm a man. So why the fuck? Obviously, I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Do you know what it's like to fucking throw your back out for the first time when you're 12? Yeah. Because that's what a guy does. And then for the rest of your life, it's back? It's just a mystery. We really don't know. And then for the rest of your life, you have a fucking bad back? How many women out there do you meet with a bad back?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I bet that's happening more and more now that the fucking nerds at the top are just keeping all the money. Do you ever think we would live in a world like this? Nerds.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
You just got your asses whipped by a bunch of goddamn nerds. Nerds!
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
How great was John Goodman in Revenge of the Nerds? That guy is so fucking effortlessly amazing, if he's doing drama or comedy. One of the fucking best off-camera fucking hilarious things ever. I've seen an actor do. He did in Revenge of the Nerds. He's sitting on this stage and he has a starter's pistol because he's going to shoot it, I forget what, to start some sort of event.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And, you know, the other people are talking in the scene. And on the master, he's in the shot sitting there. And he had the presence of mind. He's just looking at the starter's pistol. And then he just sort of points it at the floor and closes one eye like he's aiming it, just looking like the... The complete, like, psycho that his character was. It was such a subtle thing.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And I watched that movie so many times when it came out on cable. And I missed it. You know, the first four times I saw it. And then one of my buddies saw it. And we just died. You know, we had a VHS tape. Rented it from the video store. You know? That's another reason why people are so fat. You used to have to go out to the video store.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
try to get there early and box people out, you know, so you could rent Top Gun before it was sold out. Now you just turn on your fucking TV.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Like, those Wendy's ones, where they just keep stacking them up. So, you know, it's funny. I was telling somebody, fuck, man, I got to drop this weight. They're like, you look great. I'm like, I have a winter coat on. Everybody looks great with a winter coat. I'm still going with the guys wearing shorts. I saw a guy wearing, like, short shorts.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. It's like a mall of entertainment. I mean, just wandering around.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I wonder what they're going to do with malls. And storefronts. Like, what's that going to be? Like, in New York City, for the most part... Unless you live in, like, a... Like, a doorman building. I guess a walk-up building is the same way. But, like... All the buildings...
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
that are along the avenues. The ground floor is storefronts. And I'm wondering, like, what are we going to do when all the stores are gone? And one nerd owns the store. I don't know. It's a fucking weird world. But they're nerds, so I feel like, you know, back in the day, like, I mean, how much of a fucking psycho lunatic was Joseph Stalin?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Well, I guess they never took him out of power, did they? I guess he died of natural people. What did he die of? I can't remember. I don't know, but we took out Hitler, right? You know what's weird? I don't know what the emperor of Japan's name was. He doesn't get as much screen time, does he, in Hollywood movies? I should know that one. My only reference over there for psychos is Pol Pot. Right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
The Killing Fields. Is that what that was? I don't know. Do you think those mass murderers like that, do you think that they look at other mass murderers the way I look at, like, Richard Pryor and George Carlin? Yeah. Like you do your psycho open mics and then you just work your way up. I don't know. All right. Anyways, I'm babbling here. All right. That is the podcast.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Thank you guys so much for listening. Yeah, I'm going to be psyched when I do the Monday morning podcast because I have been with my family, which is the best ever. All right, obviously. I'm going to just say obvious shit to end this podcast. All right, that is it. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Enjoy the music picked up by Andrew Themlis.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I will talk to you on Monday.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I don't think.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
That's going to be going down tomorrow night at the New York City Center. And it should be a great time. As you can tell, I'm a little jet lagged. I took a fucking red eye last night. And there was this lady. You know what's hilarious?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Like the ones guys used to wear when they ran marathons in the 1980s. Remember those, like, those fucking, like, nylon?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
It's when you have a kid, if you actually go on the road, the big thing when you go on the road now is not, you know, not the booze, not the cigars, not hanging out with your friends. It becomes like, holy shit, I'm going to get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. So I get on the plane and this woman, not in my row, but the next row over, she had a little baby and it was crying.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And the dude next to me fell asleep and started snoring. And I just started laughing. And the poor woman, like she was traveling alone with this baby, right? And it was a baby too, maybe a little bit older than mine. This is my first kid, so I can't judge. I don't know if this kid was two, three months.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I don't know if it was 26 years old and had that disease that that fucking baby had in the Brad Pitt movie. Remember that? Remember the old baby? was just hanging around. And, you know, that guy wanted to, like, bang the chick. And he's like, you got to get this old baby out of here because it's weirding me out.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And then it's cut up, like, the side a little bit. Like, you know, oh, behave, right? But what's funny, as I see this guy, he's got those short shorts on.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Which, you know, I'd like to think that that guy later on, once his dick wasn't hard and he was thinking clearly again, he probably was thinking, you know, I probably shouldn't have said that. You know, I probably shouldn't have trashed that old baby. That was the name of a band I used to play in. Old Baby. And, you know, we got a record contract and everything.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
But, you know, lead singer got an appendicitis. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyway, so the baby's fucking crying. And the poor woman, like, she falls asleep. And the baby's, like, freaking out screaming. And she can't hear it because she's, like, she's fucking exhausted. She's got a baby and she's flying with it. And I'm sitting there.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And I'm watching the thing squirming around and her hands are like not really holding it anymore. So now it's like this situation. Like, is this is this lady going to drop that fucking baby? So I'm staring over there. I'm sure other people will look at me thinking I was giving her the evil eye because the baby was crying. But I wasn't.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I was just I don't know what the fuck I thought I was going to do because I still had my seatbelt on. My safety first, then a baby's. See that? That's why I'll never be a hero. Because what a true hero does is he sees danger. And without any sort of self, and he's safe. You know what I mean? That's to me is a hero. Like if you're in a fucking bank, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Starting that shit. I had a fucking great night last night. Oh, well, good for you, Bill.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
But then he has, like, one of those fucking... You ever see those homeless people winter coats? Like, the I Sleep Outside fucking coats? He's got one of those on and a big fucking hat.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And these guys come in with guns and they go to rob the place. And they say we're going to blow everybody's fucking brains out. And then you act on that. You're not really a hero to me. OK, because at no point in that scenario were you safe. All right. You were immediately in the situation.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
So no matter how you slice it, no matter how many fucking people you saved at the end of the day, you were motivated to save your own ass. And everybody else getting saved along with you is, you know. That's just collateral damage. I mean, it's positive. But if you're outside the bank, you're like, holy shit, I'm out here.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I'm eating a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich, you know, getting ready to go for a run, you know, fuel myself up. You're stretching your fucking hammies and all of a sudden you see, I don't know, you look at one of those fucking giant bank windows, you see a robbery going down and then you go in there with your Larry Bird short shorts, right? And fucking try to stop the robbery.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Then to me, yeah, that's like, you know what I mean? You know that there's like the Hall of Fame and then there's also, you know, people who literally have like their own wing of the Hall of Fame. Yeah, to me, that's like, you know, that's when you get to your own wing. But if you're already in the shit, I can't remember what the fuck I was talking about, to be honest with you. Yeah, okay.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Not a hero, right? So I finally sort of flagged down the stewardess. And she goes, yes, you know, what can I get you? And I said, I think, what the fuck did I say? I said, oh, I said, can that baby fall? And she started laughing. Because she thought I was being sarcastic, like I was upset with the baby crying. And she thought I meant like, can that baby fall on the ground and shut the fuck up?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
So like it's if you run hot, why don't you just wear a windbreaker? Why does everybody have to look at your stupid man legs as you walk up the goddamn street? It doesn't make any fucking sense. Then I'm thinking like, well, your face is always exposed and your face gets used to it. So maybe their legs do. I don't know. I don't know what it is.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And she was like taking a back. But she also laughed, which to me immediately made her really cool that she could laugh thinking that some guy was just being sarcastic, being like, can that baby please fall on the fucking floor of an airplane? Knock itself out so I can get some sleep. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, I was I'm concerned that it's going to fall.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
So she kind of went over there. to make sure the baby was all right. But I don't know. I'm a changed man. My urge was to go over and hold the baby. What's happened to me? I'm becoming a fucking softie. You know, I actually, you know, I told you before, I never got mad at babies crying on airplanes because I always felt they would, they were just expressing exactly what I was feeling.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Um, there's no way to get on an airplane and at some point, you know, unless you're going on some fucking great vacation, but if you're getting on there and you, you know, you're going back to see the relatives or some business trip or something like that, you know, and you just see some wide body coming down the fucking aisle and you're praying to God, the person's not going to sit next to you, but you know, they gotta, you know, something's going to fucking happen.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Um, It'd probably be really good for your life expectancy if you had access to your emotions that you could just break down crying. God, I would love to... Can you imagine getting up on a fucking plane and there was just 300 adults in there just crying like babies? Yeah, that'd probably be a nightmare. But there's a part of me who would think that that was awesome.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So I... I'm telling this fucking story in the wrong way. I actually... Yesterday, I did... I presented at a Hollywood award show. Old Freckles, the big fucking phony himself, went all Hollywood. Rented a tuxedo. Shout out to Mr. Tux on Wilshire Boulevard. Wasn't going to say, yeah, I had to do the present thing.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And I just sort of wrote something. And I... Quickly, when I got to the writer's guilt thing, I immediately was like, wow, I should have not just written what I'm going to say once. I should have gone over this a bunch of times. So I just was kind of going over it in my fucking head. And, you know, I thought I was just going to be a bunch of writers.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
But there was some, like, actors there and shit. Like Denzel was there. And who's the other guy there? James Woods. It was like, I don't know. There was like serious fucking people there. The thing was, when you go up in front of a bunch of writers, like no matter what they've accomplished, you don't know what they look like. So you can't get nervous.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I still think a lot of it is like an attention thing or they went on Instagram and You know that that long haired guy who can like jump into the Arctic Ocean and swim around and scientists are baffled because he does like this, this alkaline breathing or whatever the fuck it is. And he doesn't freeze to death. And they're sort of baffled by that.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Like someone could literally have been sitting there and they wrote the best picture Oscar winner fucking nine years in a row. Nine years. I know what they look like, but whatever, you know, they could accomplish shit like that. You have no fucking idea. Like for the whole night, they were just pulling people out of the crowd. And I would be sitting there going, I don't know who this guy is.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And then when they would say what the fuck they did, I was like, Jesus Christ. So with every person they pulled out of the crowd, like, I don't know, I just felt like the pressure was getting more and more. And I just kept muttering to myself, this is it. This is it. One and done. I'm never doing one of these fucking things again. This is not my thing. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
This is stupid. These people are smart. They're accomplished people. Like, like the shit that, you know, some of the fucking people in the crowd, the stuff that they do, you know, what it takes to write a movie and actually get it made and then get that fucking giant rock up the fucking hill, as opposed to me who just, Hey, here's a, here's a shit joke.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I think I'll try this, you know, as I'm riding over on the subway to a club, um, I don't know, it just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And Patton Oswalt hosted it. Fucking murdered. His monologue was great. His monologue was so great, I kind of forgot that I had to go up. I was just sitting there as a fan enjoying it. Fred Armisen was there.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And he went out and somehow gave his credit card information. That's what he did before he said the nominees. And somehow he made that fucking hilarious. And once again, it just made me feel like, why am I here? I shouldn't be here. So I'm finally waiting to go up. And James Woods is giving some sort of lifetime achievement award to Oliver Stone.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Thank God this shit wasn't televised, which is also fucking somebody made a reference to that. Like nobody works fucking harder than those guys. And they won't even put it on TV because nobody knows what they look like, I guess. Yeah. So he tells the whole fucking story of being best friends with Oliver Stone for 35 years. And I have to go on after this shit. And I just.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Yeah, that's what I just kept thinking. I just kept I started looking at my watch the way I used to back in the day when I would do nooners, which is a stand up expression for basically you're doing a college gig and the show is essentially at 12 noon or one in the afternoon. It's usually in a cafeteria and it is a fucking nightmare. You go up there and you have to do an hour.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
You have to stand in front of... You have to stand in public in a fucking college cafeteria in front of like God knows how many. Three, four, five, six hundred fucking college students who have no idea that there's going to be any sort of performance. Forget about a comedy show. And...
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Like the level of just fucking like I don't even I think it's like it's really hard for me to be humiliated now after doing enough of those. Like you just get so walled off. You just you just accept it. You're like, OK, my life is going to suck like it's never sucked. Starting in about three minutes. However, in an hour and three minutes.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I'm going to be back in my rental car and I'm never going to see these fucking people again. That's what, that's what I, that's the mindset I used to go into. I used to go up there and I used to just psych myself up to be like, how hard can I commit to these jokes? How big of an ass can I make of myself? And just to try and not give into the horror slash negative side
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And he's like, no, yeah, I'm alkaline breathing like alkaline to me was something that was used when you were talking about a battery. And I don't mean a salt and. I just mean a battery.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
vibe of the situation, because if you did that, I learned the hard way you were going to burn through an hour of material in like 17 minutes and you were going to be angry and, um, your agent was going to get a call. Um, so anyways, James Woods is going on and on and on. He brings up fucking, I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just that, um,
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Oliver Stone has accomplished so many things and Oliver Stone goes up there. And after a night of fucking Trump bashing, just so eloquently stated that all the countries we've invaded, all of the stuff that we've done. And he said, during all of our history of doing this, there's been both Democrats and Republicans holding the office of president.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I thought I should have got more of an applause break, but, um, You know, I don't know. The Trump thing is just such low hanging fruit. At some point, it's like we get it. Hollywood does not like Trump. Having said that, this fucking guy went on stage and did the best Trump. I should have gotten his name. I was so fucking nervous for what I had to do.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Glad you had a great fucking night. Why don't you rub it in everybody's faces? I went out and I did a couple of spots.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
He did the best Trump impression at the fucking nuanced performance that he did. It just it was unbelievable. And then he did a lot of really, really fucking harsh jokes, like even like writers. They sit in fucking writers room. You wouldn't think that you could get them to pull back. It's just because they're in public. And he just totally fucking committed. So I got kind of inspired by that.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
So long story short. I'm sitting there waiting to go on. And they mentioned that Oliver Stone, I guess, wrote Scarface, which I didn't know. And I remember my mother took us to go see that. My youngest brother was nine at the time. So I thought that was pretty cool. So I just went out there. And I sort of winged it. Told the story about how I used to think a pony was a small horse.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And and I don't even I can't remember what I said, but I think it went OK. And I got off stage and I actually thought for half a second, like, you know what? That was actually kind of fun. And I realized that a lot of my aversion to award shows is just my own social anxiety of not knowing how to behave when there's a room full of people just saying positive shit to each other.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
That you would put into something that needed to be battery operated. See what I just did there? I explained the reference. That's what I have to do in that fucking joke. Did you feel all the momentum? The momentum go out of this fucking podcast? Anyway, so... Very excited. I have a little bit of a break from rehearsal starting tomorrow. So I'm going to... Give me a ticket on an aeroplane.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Like if that if award shows were like absolute, I'm not talking like roasts. I don't like roasts either. I don't know what happened to roast roast to me used to be funny. And then it just became just like this, you know, Tourette's thing. Hey, I wouldn't fuck you with a dog, dick AIDS, cock, shit, cunt. You know, it's just like, all right, so-and-so's there.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I'm not saying he wooka, wooka, wooka, but this guy, I find them fucking mind numbingly boring. Um, but whatever, somewhere in between there, somewhere, somewhere short of that. Um, If it was totally negative, I would have been comfortable. So I don't know what the fuck that says about me. So I figured out what my hang up was.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I will say, though, I still will never get past listening to fucking people talk politics and fucking the environmental issues and all of that shit. It's just like everybody knows. We already know this shit. We already know it. You're not going to inspire anybody.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Like, you know, I kind of gave a shit about the environment, but then when that guy from fucking Third Rock from the Sun said that shit about Antarctica, I was like, wait a minute. This is an important issue. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a negative cunt. Well, I am a negative cunt, but I'll never be able to get... I just think that's just like some... It's like the Beyonce thing.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
You know what I mean? Like, I never would have thought that somebody could, like... I exaggerate the magnitude of creating life, but somehow she's done it. My wife gets so upset when I make fun. I mean, I don't really have any feelings. It's just fun to make fun of her. Her fan base is just so fucking. I don't know. I was driving Nia nuts when she was watching the Grammys and stuff.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
First of all, why does she get a four-hour performance and everybody else only gets like fucking six seconds? You know, Bruno Mars is running around doing a bunch of costume changes, you know? She comes out dressed like a Batman villain and fucking does like a 45-minute set. I didn't think it was fair to the other performers. But you know what? I got to be honest with you.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I don't think I could name one So Bootylicious, that was that's when she was with those other two girls that she kicked to the curb. If you're in an all girl group. Or if you're in a boy band, you can't at this point, people have to be so fucking educated that, you know, at some point there's going to be. Like one person is going to go solo, you know, and be extremely successful.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And the rest of you are just going to be sitting around working at Staples, hoping that the person who left and is now wildly successful as a solo artist will eventually have a couple of shit albums. So they have to come back to you to do a reunion tour. You know what I mean? Like, do you think Justin Timberlake's ever going to do the NSYNC thing? Maybe he has. I don't fucking know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
All I can say, I guess what I'm saying is if I was in a boy band way back in the day and I still had my reddish orange hair, I would save my money. I'd be like, you know what? Someone's going to break out. I know it's not going to be me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Anyways, how far into this podcast are we? I got to check. I got to check the fucking timer. Hey, how about fucking the Boston Bruins?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
We are undefeated with our new coach. I don't even know if it was Bruce Cassidy or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I already forgot his fucking name. I've been so goddamn busy. Hey, you know what the best thing about having a baby is? Dude, you can watch so much fucking sports in the first three months before they learn how to crawl around and shit. Every morning.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
It's like my daughter is like my new best friend. I mean, that was going to happen anyway. Sorry for the extra noise. I was setting the laptop down. My daughter is my new best friend. Aside from the obvious that she's my blood, she's my daughter and everything, but just like On a real level, she's my best friend. I probably have watched like 20 games with her already. Every morning, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
The lovely Nia, you know, she's exhausted because she still has to breastfeed at night while I just have to wake up, you know, and change a diaper every once in a while. Sorry for the hiccups here. So in the mornings, I try to give my wife like three hours at least. You know what I mean? Like I got it down where if she just feeds her, I can take her and then I can have her.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Going to play the Wheel of Fortune game. I'm going to go home and see my family and I cannot fucking wait. I'm hoping they are as excited to see me as I am as excited to see them. That would be a real fucking...
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And, you know, I have a I have like I have a little fucking bottle, you know, to feed her. I can I can go three hours. I can keep her calm for fucking three hours while my wife sleeps and all that type of stuff. So what I do is I just tape games and every morning we come upstairs and I just put her on my chest and I just sit there and I watch games with her.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And if she starts to cry, you know what it is? It's what's been working for me. You know, those giant exercise balls that people use for core strengths. I just get on one of those and I just just fucking bouncing up and down on the thing. It gives them the feeling of weightlessness or some shit. And if they start crying when you're doing the bouncing thing, because it's killing my fucking back.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Right. I just go fucking crazy big air. Then they're just like, you know, it makes them almost almost like when a dog wants to kill somebody. And if you just make a loud enough noise and they fucking looks in another direction, it just they completely forget that they wanted to kill somebody. Babies are like that. They start to cry.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
If you get their stomach to drop, they kind of make this face like, whoa, you know, their eyes get big and shit. And then they just kind of get into that vibe. And then you just slowly get it back down, two, three, four repetitions back down to the level that you have and they don't cry. And then eventually they fall asleep. Then I got the fucking game on.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And I've watched more fucking college hoop since going to that Duke-UNC game. I've been, you know, obviously started taping all the Duke games. I watched Duke-Virginia. I missed them against Wake Forest yesterday, but I got all the rest of their year. I think they got like... They got Syracuse on Wednesday. Then they got University of Miami and then Florida State.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And then they play UNC again March 4th. Even if you're not a huge fan of fucking college basketball, you got to watch that one. I watched Kentucky-Georgia. So Georgia, you lose another heartbreaker. I watched Wisconsin-Maryland, which was fucking so boring. I went into my fucking DVR and I had taped UNC-Virginia. And I watched that one instead and watched that – That fucking kid. What's his name?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Number 44 on UNC. The fuck is his name?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
No, I can't remember his fucking name. I'm fucking sleep deprived here.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
totally gotten into that been watching the nhl and because of the all-star break you know the celtics gave me a break you know because they they were on the all-star break and i got to watch a bunch of college shit so anyways um i landed here in new york slept the whole fucking flight i had my eye mask and my ear plugs and i was all good that lady didn't drop that baby and um Everything was fine.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
uh gut punch if my kids are just like oh hey man no hey good to see you two pops you know but but i thought everyone cared you know that would be brutal um so anyway i uh i'm lifting four times a week and then the other times i'm just doing uh
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
You know, nobody tried to hijack the plane. Everything was good. And I get in the car, taking the cab right over to the hotel. And they had Trump on the radio. And it's just that fucking guy, man. Jesus Christ. He was talking about some terrorist thing that happened in Sweden. He goes, I mean, this happened in Sweden, people. Sweden! He yells Sweden again. He just sounds like, I just...
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I cannot fucking believe. I can't believe that this guy is president, and I cannot believe that he's so successful at it, in that he's just implementing everything. I didn't know you could just go around Congress with these fucking executive orders, man. It's fucking hilarious that he's found yet another. This guy is like the—if there's like a Hall of Fame for finding the loophole—
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I mean, he really is like he's a fucking genius. I just wish he was more stable because, you know, Hillary would have scared the shit out of me in a much quieter, dignified way. Not even dignified, just as far as she knows how to give a fucking speech. But I don't know. I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
The day he stops reacting to people saying shit about him at award shows, I think I'll feel a little more comfortable with the fact that he's in power. This is like the most simple and basic thought I've ever had in my life, right, is they keep talking about how the tensions – that if Russia was actually in communication with Trump –
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And Europe's all nervous because Russia's fucking doing whatever over there and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And these guys are thinking this and these guys are thinking that.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
All right. And if the other people on the other side weren't yammering about what the fuck we're trying to do. You know, why don't we just stay? Everybody just stays home. Where's your country? You fucking stay there. Right. I don't mean refugees. I just mean leaders in your armies. Just fucking stay there. We bring our guys back. Everybody just sorts out their own shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
You know? And when people come to your country to go to your fucking water park or whatever, you give them the Mickey Mouse ears. You put on a show.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Why can't it just fucking be like that? You know why. Because they want to get the fucking, you know. Natural resources and money. That's all the fuck it is. That's all it is. I don't give a fuck about any of that goddamn rhetoric. That's why the fuck they're doing it. And all they do is sit there scaring the shit out of you.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I just wish everybody could like regular people just collectively all at the same time be like, and fuck it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Fuck it. Fuck everything you're saying. Fuck wars. Fuck all of this shit. If you fucking rich cunts have a problem with each other, why don't you sit down at your yacht clubs and try and fucking work it out? You know?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
play a game of seven, seven fucking something stud, whatever the, I'm not a card player, whatever the fuck it is you do, you know, enough with the blowing up of people and shit. Yeah. I don't know. I know it's completely oversimplified, but like at some time, but when I think about having mind control, like that's what I think of doing.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I just have, you know, when like people on the terrorist groups all the way to our country start saying, we're going to go to war. It's just like, yeah, no, you know, No, we're not. All righty then. And then just see what the fuck they would do. I think they would literally lose their fucking minds. They wouldn't know what to do because they'd just be like, well, now what?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
What am I going to do if I'm not out there trying to get more? What am I going to do? Sit here alone with my own thoughts? How many of you think would actually take their own lives? Like, take that fatty over there in North Korea. I'm really in over my head, by the way, if you haven't realized it. This is like meet the press with no press or information. It's the same thing.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I'll probably get sued by that program for ruining their format. That fat cunt there. You know, old softy there. Doesn't have a whisker on his fucking face. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you ought to be able to grow a fucking crazy beard, man. You know, that's one thing I'll have to commend that. I don't even know his name. Kim Jong Il. Is that his name? Or is it Kim Jong Il Jr.? Sonny Boy?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Walking on a treadmill and doing a little bit of the speed bag there. Oh, Billy, speed bag. I haven't hit one of those things in a long time.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Frank Sinatra Jr.? Whatever the fuck his name is over there. Like the fact that he can't grow a beard and he still has people scared shitless. You know, like what if they could just collectively over there, everybody just be like, yeah, dude, we don't give a fuck anymore. Everybody just goes about their business. He still gets to live in that big fucking house, but nobody listens to him.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Really liked the New York Comedy Club on the Lower East Side, man. Great room, you know? So I went down there and I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Nobody will kill for him anymore. No army will do anything, but he still gets to keep the giant fucking house. How fucking freaked out would he be? Nobody really goes over, talks to him or anything, so eventually he has to come out and go to a farmer's market. And then you don't talk to him. You force him to acclimate himself socially like anybody else would if they were the new guy in town.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
If I had mind control, that's what the fuck I would do. Would I – I don't know. What do I – I would probably do some evil shit. If you could control the entire world's fucking brains, yeah, I don't think I – I don't think I can handle that power. Fuck that. That was a dumb idea. All right. Let's let's read some. Let's read some fucking advertising here for this week. All right. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
There we go. Jesus Christ. I'm done with that shit. Sorry for setting up a fucking laptop. How much time are we up to here? Oh, 38 minutes. Perfect. It's time to start reading some letters before I do. I want to thank everybody, uh, the night before the Patrice O'Neill benefit for everybody that is, uh, bought tickets once again.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Um, and we've been able to keep this benefit going and I cannot even begin to tell you how much this has helped his loved ones. Um, it's just been such a great thing and, uh, is sad and tragic as it always will be that he passed way too soon. Um,
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Just all you guys stepping it up every year and seeing, like, just how much that has changed and helped the people that he was helping out when he was alive. It's just – I can't thank you enough. All right? Okay. Friday the 13th bullshit. Oh, this is – This is in regards to – I was talking about that, like why is Friday the 13th unlucky rather than Monday the 13th?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
So this person comes to me with this. It says, Bill, with regards to your podcast involving Friday the 13th, the main superstition that spread – was among sailors during the late 17th century who considered setting sail on any Friday to be a bad omen.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And given that most people, including pirates, were God-fearing Christians, the 13 relating to the Last Supper being the night before Jesus died, according to historical hearsay. The 13 relating to the Last Supper being The night before Jesus died. Were there 13 apostles? There was 12 apostles plus Jesus. That was 13. If the 13th fell on Friday. Well, first of all, I don't understand.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Why did sailors wait until the 1700s? They waited 1700 years minus 32 years. So they waited 1,668 years. People have been sailing for fucking ever. They were sailing back in Jesus's day. Right. Well, I guess there was no fucking social media. So it took a while for the story to get out. I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Anyways, if the 13th fell on Friday, most docks and ports would be emptied out as sailors believe this to be the greatest ill omen there could possibly be. And for reason and reason enough not to work on the day. Or get out of bed, for that matter, as most people of that time hung crucifixes over their bed and believed it to be the safest place in the house.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Now, I'm going to say most people didn't do that. You know what I mean? I would just say like if back in the day, if TV news existed, those were the people's houses that they would go to. And they would try to scare the shit out of everybody about Friday the fucking 13th.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
But I think that there was a lot of fucking people back then, even back then, that were just like, dude, are you fucking... There was people back then that said, Jesus, shit never happened. It's a couple of pieces of wood. It makes the shape of a cross. It's not like some holy fucking thing. I imagine there was plenty of people.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Granted, they probably got lit on fire if they said some shit like that. I have no idea. So anyways, it sounds pretty...
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
basic now but back in the day people simply didn't know any better if you fell sick around a friday you were unlucky around a around a 13th of a month also unlucky but the two together somehow was much worse dipshit ancestors um they just lack the information jesus christ what about us we're the smart ones ruining the fucking oceans the great barrier reef is dead You know, they didn't fucking go.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
They would have killed it if they had the fucking opportunity. You know what? They're the same dipshits we are right now. All right. Canadian bus beheader. Oh, you know what?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Anyway, so that's basically what I got going on. I've been watching some more 70s car movies. I watched The Driver with Ryan O'Neill and Bruce Dern. really fun movie. It's just fucking car chases and people fucking being badasses. Bruce Dern plays the cop trying to catch Ryan O'Neill. You know, there's a lot of stiff performances.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
So did you hear about this guy who beheaded and ate another guy and they set free? How the fuck is he allowed free and why wasn't he executed? How do they know he won't relapse into another murder slash dinner? Am I crazy by saying if you murder someone, you should be murdered yourself? Well, yeah, if people didn't lie, you know, if there weren't people wrongly convicted.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I mean, I just I feel like, though, if it's beyond a shadow of a fucking doubt.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Oh, you know, I forgot to fucking, before I get into this shit, I forgot to hype my YouTube page. I'm finally going to start posting videos there. I'm going to start doing tours of cities again. And you can watch all of this on my YouTube page, www.youtube.com slash user slash Monday Morning Podcast. YouTube.com slash user slash Monday Morning Podcast.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
All right. There it is. There it is. OK, here we go. Canadian man who beheaded bus passenger granted total freedom. Winnipeg, Manitoba, a.k.a. Winterpeg, home of the Jets. A Canadian man who was found not criminally responsible for beheading and cannibalizing a fellow passenger on a Greyhound bus has been granted his freedom.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
He cut somebody's head off, fucking ate it, and wasn't criminally responsible? Well, who was? Manitoba's Criminal Code Review Board announced Friday it has given Will Baker... Formerly known as Vince Lee. Well, thanks for fucking up his identity. And an absolute discharge, meaning he is no longer subject to monitoring. Man who thought roommate was a zombie pleads guilty to murder.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Okay, what the fuck is going on in Canada? That's a completely different story. Here's a rabbit hole. I'll read that one next. Baker, a diagnosed schizophrenic, killed Tim McLean, a young carnival worker. Jesus Christ. See, this is why you never take buses. Carni workers, schizophrenics. It's just, you know... You're taking your life in your hands.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
A young carnival worker who was a complete stranger to Baker in 2008. A year later, he was found not criminally responsible due to mental illness. OK. McLean's mother, Carol, whatever, has been outspoken against granting Baker's for her. His own mother is saying, don't set this guy free, saying there'd be no way to ensure he continued to take his meds. She declined comment.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
in a in a post on facebook friday saying i have no words baker was initially kept in a secure wing of a psychiatric hospital was given more freedom every year he's been living on his own in winnipeg apartment since november but was still subject to monitoring to ensure he took his medication baker's doctor dude this is fucking insane you let a head eater go free um I don't know, dude.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Do you think that they should kill people who are mentally insane? I mean, what are you going to do? You're going to stick them in a room and beat them with Flintstone vitamins for the rest of their life? A man who thought a roommate was a zombie pleads guilty to murder. These are all just mentally ill people here, man.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
A 38-year-old man who said he beat his roommate to death because he thought she was a zombie pleaded no contest to second-degree murder. Now I'm sitting there wondering maybe he just beat her to death. Now he's just trying to act like he's fucking insane. This guy entered the plea Friday in the strangling and beating death of 35-year-old Jennifer Lopez.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Bruce Dern's always great, but a lot of, like, I think they were trying to do some minimalist thing where they pull it off with Escape from New York. I don't know about this one. But, like, when I was growing up, The two guys that I thought were the luckiest guys in the world were Lee Majors and Ryan O'Neal. Simply because both of them were, you know, Lee Majors was dating Farrah Fawcett first.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
uh the kansas city star reported wallace told police he had fallen asleep after taking a methamphetamine court documents said he began beating lopez when she woke up because he thought she was a zombie he told police he kept beating lopez until something made him stop wow this is not a funny podcast anymore now is it um uh should you be murdered if you murder somebody i think without a fucking doubt if they know you did it um
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
and uh yeah yeah i don't know i mean i saw you know i saw i don't want to say what this fucking person did to a kid but the kid died and like i was just like why is that person still walking on the earth there's definitely times where i feel that and i don't think that that makes us as bad as they are um but prison is a big business so You know, they want that fucking guy in a cell. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Ministry of Truth. Hey there, Billy. Hey there, Billy of Rights. I'm sorry, guys. I'm so fucking jet lagged here. This podcast is really just fucking lagging here. Dragging, I should say. Lots of people are comparing Trump to Hitler. But back in December, Obama tried to quietly pass a bill that would allow the government.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Yeah, I saw this have jurisdiction over news and outgoing information on all channels, i.e. TV, Internet, radio. That includes you. You can read the fine print in the article below. Also, fuck all the people listening who haven't read the legislation that are already up in arms because it goes against who they cheer for. Amen to that. Amen to that.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Everybody's like like last night, all these fucking guys at this fucking award show, everybody trashing Donald Trump. Nobody brings up the fact that Obama basically signed something that is going to implement an incredible level of fucking censorship. Like they're they're basically going to decide what is real news and what is fake news.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I mean, I'd like to think because I openly admit that I don't read. And the shit that I say is just fucking absurd that I would be, you know, exempt. But who knows? But, like, people with blue ties do this shit all the fucking time. And that's what kills me about people who wear red ties and watch Fox News and the Hollywood people. Like, they just cannot see the bullshit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
It's like listening to a fanatic Red Sox and Yankee fan. You know what I mean? You know, giving each other shit for buying titles and fucking abusing steroids. And it's like, no, we both did it. We both did it. We should hang our heads in shame collectively. All right. Let me see if I can find this. I don't really even want to fucking read this because this is just so fucking. Let's see.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Today I have signed into law S.2943, the National Defense Authorization Act for the fiscal year 2017. This act authorizes fiscal year 2017 appropriations principally for the Department of Defense and the Department of Energy National Security Programs provides vital benefits for military personnel families. Okay, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And where do we get to the – yeah, dude, I can't read all of this. I can't read all of this. This will take me fucking three hours to read. This would have to be part of a mini-series for me to read all of this. Okay, here's some bullshit in bold.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
The first priority is developing a whole-of-government strategy for countering the foreign propaganda and disinformation being waged against us and our allies by our enemies. Now, that reads great, but it's basically, you know... Yeah, listen to our propaganda, not their fucking propaganda. Our version of what's going on is right, and their version is wrong. We're all fallible.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
We're all fucking human beings, but we don't make mistakes. They do. I don't know. It just gets back to all of that shit. And you know what, sir? You're never going to solve any of it. Everybody's going to start fucking screaming at each other. And if you ever bring up something like that, people will call you a socialist and tell you to get the fuck out of the country.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
If you would ever even remotely suggest that this government would ever fucking lie. They all lie to their fucking people. Oh, God, Bill, shut up. Okay. Dear Billy Beer Thighs, forgive my poor English. Well, the fact that you can come up with Billy Beard thighs in a fucking second language is pretty amazing. So I think your English is fucking great.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And there is a picture. Look up. If you want to see the most 70s photo, do you want to know what, like, if you were on top in the 70s looked like? Like how great life could be? Look up Lee Majors, Farrah Fawcett jogging. It's one of the most amazing photos you're ever going to see. It was like the world was like that even for a weekend. It was amazing.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I am a native Berliner, but I have family across Germany. One of my female cousins was harassed on the way to work by some people who are different. I do not want to say just a different race or religion, but also a different way of thinking. They are not native to Germany and are not acclimating well to Western life.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I am not a racist and I find the issues very sensitive, but I believe that reality has to play a part in one's objective view. This is not the first time this has happened in her town. that was good enough to show good graces to refugees. If countries are going to let people in, they have to at least be okay with women having certain rights. Should they not? Forget about religion or relays.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
That's just good and bad, I think. Am I a bad person for becoming a more cautious person when it comes to refugees? Thank you and cheers on your new child. No, not at all. I mean, a lot of that, and also people's prejudice because you're German, they're going to fucking think a certain way. But like,
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
you know, if one of the elements that comes into play is that from wherever these other people are from, that a woman walking alone at night is suggesting that she's fucking, I don't know, I don't know what, loose or having sex or whatever the fuck it is that's going to make them throw a goddamn bottle. Like, how do you not address that? And also to me, it's like, what kind of a fucking person
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
you know, when I go to another country, like whatever I see, I just go, Oh, I guess that's how they do it over here. I don't think like, you know, well, I'm from someplace else and this is the way we do it. So I'm going to act like we're still in my country. I think that's ignorant, but, um, never underestimate the power of religion.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
You know, when people really get into it, when they really fucking get into it, um, You know, there's there's something where your brain goes on like autopilot and you just let religion make decisions for you. And rational thought kind of goes out the fucking window and you just start breaking one commandment after another. Like you tell me one religion out there.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
If you can find it in whatever book it is that you read that say it's that says it's fucking OK to throw a fucking bottle at a woman. Walking alone at night, I mean, shouldn't you? I mean, if you think it's. You should have walked her home if you were concerned about like. I don't know. I don't understand. But, yeah, one of the things I think refugees should.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Okay, say that this country goes to complete shit and there's a big war and all of a sudden they're hunting down fucking bald redheads and I need to seek political asylum or some shit in another country. When I go there, the first thing I'm going to do is try to learn the fucking language and then I'm going to try to figure out, okay, how do they do shit over here? You know what I mean?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
So I don't fucking offend anybody and so I don't get the shit kicked out of me. But... I would say the type of people that throw a bottle like that. You know, they're also the kind of people that if they were in higher up in a corporate thing that they would be. Pilfering the coffers, as they say, or whatever, like there's just certain people out there that just they're not good people.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
There's certain people that are just not smart people. That's one of the fucking problems. with human beings is there's a lot of mouth breathing morons. And, uh, when you accept a bunch of refugees, you know, you're going to get some fucking super smart people all the way down to mouth breathing morons. Um, I don't think you're, yeah. Why wouldn't you be more cautious when it came to refugees?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
If, if something like that happened, I mean, now having said that within your own country, you also have neo-Nazis, um, You know what I mean? So, you know, if you're suggesting getting rid of all refugees, then you should also do something about neo-Nazis. So the hard fucking thing when people go to a new country is they don't look like the people that are there.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
So they stick out like a fucking sore thumb and people stop looking at them as human beings. They just look at them as one giant group. Whereas if you look at a fucking neo-Nazi, he's still a fucking white dude. I'm assuming you're white, German, right? And you're like, yeah, that guy, he's a fucking moron. You know what I mean?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
They're both fucking tanned up, not worried about skin cancer, not even remotely, right? Lee May just got on the fucking Larry Bird short shorts, and then he has on a matching zip-up with no shirt underneath it, and he's doing the macho man thing where he's showing off his tan, hairy chest. And then if you watch The Driver with Ryan O'Neal, the whole movie,
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
You're just looking at him like he joined a stupid club, despite the fact that those people can do some really horrific shit, too. So but I don't think, you know, you're a bad person for becoming more cautious. But I would also remain open minded that there's going to be some really great people that were lucky enough to get out of those bad situations. And that's the hard part.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I tried out. I had this new joke I was trying out that I had such hope for. You know, it's always, you know, setting yourself up for disaster when you go on stage. Like, oh boy, oh boy.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
The easy thing is to just say, fuck all of these people. And, you know, that's that's the basic. Let's sit down and eat some Fritos and cake. Or you can actually do the crunches in your cardio and actually try to look at people as individuals. Now, having said that, when the sun goes down at night, all bets are off. You have to look at people individually.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
You know, the most cautiously, as cautiously as you possibly can, because I guarantee you that even if they had a fucking rule about that during the day, if there was a bunch of people walking around, the chances of them doing that during the day would have been much less. So I'm sorry that happened.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
to um one of your cousins uh i hope it doesn't turn you into a hateful person you seem like you're trying to be measured i don't know but it would suck if you became another hateful person because uh it's just gonna add fuel to all of this blue tie red tie shit all right dear billy butt kiss on valentine's day my ex whom i love people who know how to use whom Who and whom?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I've looked up the definition fucking 100 times. I believe I've read it on this podcast. I still for the life of me cannot figure it out. On Valentine's Day, my ex whom I had been dating for three years came to my job at a bar with a new, much younger date. sat with her for hours and proceeded to get a cab home with her. My coworkers obviously told me and I was devastated.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Well, that's why he did it. We've been broken up for two and a half months and it was a really tough breakup. I know I deserve better, but I feel like he's driving me out of a small town that I generally love. This isn't the first time he's made a public show with a woman, with women. Um, at this point I just want to want to move and start over. What is your take?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Uh, my take is that you, uh, you're a lucky woman that you, you, you didn't hit your wagon to someone that's that fucking petty. Um, then, yeah, I don't like that. Like that's, I just like the way you described it. I look at that guy as though he's pathetic.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And I feel like and I feel bad for the woman that he brought there because I feel like he was barely listening to her and pretending to be smiling, having a good time as he was trying to look around to see if he could catch you. I mean, he basically went out of his way to hurt you.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I mean, obviously, when you're going to break up with somebody, there's going to be that awful pain because usually somebody wants it. The other person doesn't. So it's bad enough that that went down. Now, if you dumped him. But I feel like if you dumped him, you wouldn't be that upset about it. And you did say it was really tough.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
So what I would say is have yourself a celebratory glass of fucking wine, whatever your poison is, that you didn't marry this cunt. And I don't know. I think at some point. I mean if you really love – be ashamed if you really love living where you're at that you would move just because some shallow cunt is bringing some woman over.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I mean he obviously does not give a fuck about that woman because I'll tell you this. If that guy in two and a half months found the one and found true love, this petty shit with you would not even be an issue. So – Maybe a new way of looking at it is feeling bad for the woman that he's with because he's wasting her time. And I can guarantee you she has no idea who you are.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And if she does, then they're two fucking psychos that deserve each other that should both be sterilized because they're going to make an evil baby. So there you go. That's what you walked away from. Yeah. But as far as like, you know, at this point, you want to move and start over. It all depends on what you got going on in your town. That's a pretty big move. You know, let a few days go by.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
See if you feel that again. And just I don't know, just really focus on the type of person that would do something like that to really just go out of your way to hurt somebody. I've heard a bunch of people in my life, but to like go out of your fucking way. Like that's like, that's like the difference between first degree and second degree cuntiness there.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
The whole movie, he is walking around with his shirt, you know, buttoned down to his man cleavage. It was called Being a Macho Man. They even wrote a song about it. Macho, macho man. I want to be a macho man. Yes, the times were very deep musically. No, that was pop music. There was still a lot of shit going on. Weather Report with Jaco Pistorio.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Whereas, you know, second degree, it's just spontaneously happens. You know, you guys got all this history and he just says something fucking horrible or starts chatting up some shit there at the bar. But to fucking sit there and like methodically plan it out like that, that guy's a fucking psycho. And congratulations to you that he's not in your fucking life anymore. Um, Yeah.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And don't fuck with this food. That's a petty thing too. That's bad karma. Fuck all that. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Uh, thank you to everybody for listening and, um, thank you for the writer's guild for letting me be a presenter. I actually really had a good time once, once I got, once I got out there, I had a good time. But other than that, I was like freaking out.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Like what the fuck am I doing here? And also please check out my YouTube page. Like I said, I'm really going to start posting videos and all that shit up there. Uh, maybe I'll take a couple of, uh, I'll do a video or something at the Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit, some backstage shit or something like that. And once again, my YouTube page is youtube.com slash user slash Monday Morning Podcast.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
All right, go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Anyway, so what do you follow up watching The Driver with? Well, that's easy. I mean, it's a no-brainer. I'm watching Corvette Summer with Mark Hamill. Where he finds this Corvette in a junkyard. And this car is beyond fucked up. It's an orange Corvette Stingray. The body's made out of fiberglass, and it looks like somebody dropped it off a building.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And somehow, they take the car back to their high school shop class... And through donations from the locals, he turns it into like, you know, like today would be $120,000 car.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
But back then it was probably like $4,500 or whatever, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And they customized the thing. The car gets stolen. He gets word that it's in Las Vegas, right? So he's going to go out to Vegas to get his car back. And he meets, and I swear to God, on the road trip out there, he's hitchhiking out there, he meets an aspiring prostitute. One of the best lines in any movie ever.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
She's like, don't you get it?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
i'm a hooker this this is what i'm doing with all of this downtime um the astounding loneliness that i'm experiencing when i'm not working on the play or going out um
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Oh, way to get a load of this one.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
doing stand-up spots am i doing stand-up because i love stand-up or am i doing it because i'm fucking lonely um probably a little bit of both but in the meantime i've been uh i've been watching these great car movies from the 70s it's just they're just fancy just seeing cars that just went away Like the Pontiac Catalina.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I remember as a kid, I didn't like the car because I thought the rear end of the car made the car look like it was sad.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
They did this thing with the brakes where it was like horizontal and then it wrapped down on the side of the car.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And it always looked like, you know, like instead of a smiley face, it looked like a frown to me. And I remember telling my mother that when I was a kid. I said, I don't like those cars. She said, why not? And I said, because they look sad.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Turned out the reference I was talking about, people didn't... It hasn't become mainstream yet, so I had to kind of explain what it was. And then get into the other thing, which slowed it down on the first show. But then I went over to the cellar and...
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And she was like, oh, because it looks like a mouth.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And then I was all excited, like, oh, I said a thing and an adult acknowledged it. This is amazing. You know, that didn't happen a lot in the 70s. And if you want to know why it didn't, go back to that Lee Majors Farrah Fawcett jogging down the fucking street. That was amazing. That was it. That was all of Instagram. You know, all those fucking videos and shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Clips and everything that you watch on Instagram. What have you got a post? All of those things where you watch it and so visually stimulating, you like it. But like, you know, somewhere in your chest, you start getting this sad, depressed feeling that you're not doing enough or you're not. You don't have abs or you're whatever the fuck it is. They're making you feel like right now.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
yeah we didn't have social media back then we had we had people magazine and shit like that and like these fucking photos once a week they would come out and all the housewives would be buying up all you know everything from people magazine to um the star and the inquirer and they were just those are like tabloid ones for like uh You know, really dumb housewives.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And then sort of the elevated housewife would read People magazine. And then the cold, heartless mother would get Time magazine. Those are all generalizations, I'm just saying. I remember a long time ago, I had an acting gig. You know? And I was working with somebody that was super famous... and this person was reading the National Enquirer. It was a long time ago, like 20 fucking years ago.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
She goes, not the stuff about like aliens and all of that stuff, but like people's relationships. They get that stuff right. I always found it funny how women follow like other people's relationships. You know? Like the way men follow sports. And then they, like, choose sides. I'm on side so-and-so. I'm on side fucking whatever. It's just like, why do you give a shit?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
They're going through a breakup or they're going through a divorce. It's their own, you know, it's got to be painful. It's their own business. What the fuck, you know? Why don't you watch sports? Gamble away your paycheck on something that is feeling more and more manipulated as the seasons go by. Right? Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you do that? Anywho.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
i found a i figured out a funny way to explain it and i can't remember if i did it before or after i just i can't remember i plowed through the joke and then explained it after i think that's what i did i don't know and then i was able to tie something in with that and then tie something else together on something else and um it was uh yeah it was fantastic um
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
So my goal is not to be a fat fuck and throughout the course of this play, finally take off this. I was saying the other day, I'm getting this COVID weight off. And somebody goes, COVID? They go, that was a long fucking time ago.
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
I was like, I had a kid during COVID. I never got it off. Been walking around. I remember when I turned 50, I was like, I'm going fucking sting from the police in my 50s. I'm going to be lean and mean. I'm doing fucking yoga every other day. I'm fucking doing this. I'm fucking doing that. And then like, I was doing great. I was down to my fighting weight. What's that a reference to?
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
My fighting weight. Bob Pogo on F is for Family. My fighting weight. Anyway, yeah, I was down to that. And then...
Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
And we were in there watching him do it. Me and Mike Price and David Richardson, rest his soul. Mark Wilmore, rest his soul. We were all in there fucking dying laughing. Anyway, I got down to my fighting weight. Yeah, that was 2019. Yeah, and then COVID hit.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in on you seeing how it's going in your part of the world um oh billy press boy this morning look at you all grown up doing the town um
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Um, I always wanted to do in New York, you know, but I was always too busy trying to get somewhere being a comedian. So one of the things I wanted to do was to go up to, you know, Columbia University because I'm like, you know, that's a fucking Ivy League school like right here in Manhattan. It's right in Harlem. Like, that's fascinating. I want to go see what that looks like.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And my dumb ass, I didn't know it. You know, I don't watch the news, so I didn't. know what was going on. I guess it was a bunch of protests up there and stuff. And evidently they got whoever started the protest. They're trying to deport him, which is not a good sign of a democracy. Like, why aren't you allowed? You're right. You should be allowed to protest.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You know, it doesn't line up with our foreign policy. You need to get the fuck out of here. That's not a good sign for democracy. A good sign for democracy is somebody has a protest. You're like, well, I don't agree with that, but I agree with your right to do that. That's it. Not like you say what I don't like. Get this guy, arrest him and get him the fuck out of here.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I didn't realize I learned all of that afterwards. So my dumb ass, I go up there. And and I'm like, all right, you know. I'm obviously not a bookworm. I want to go up there and see where the gym is. They got a football field. I know it's Ivy League, but whatever. They still play sports, right? And I walk up there and the first thing I see is there's like some law building or something.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And I see all these kids. They got like their fucking ID cards and they got to like scan them and all of that shit. And I was like, oh, no, that's right. We live in a police state now. I'm not going to be able to just walk. I'm not going to have some fucking old weirdo just walking on their campus. They don't know what I'm doing. So I showed up and the guy's like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I just want to come up, just walk the campus, you know, get my steps in. Old guy just fucking walking around. And they're like, OK, well, you can get like a visitor pass or whatever. And I was just like, all right, well, I know what that entails. Back in the day, you just showed them a fucking ID, and maybe they wrote your name down on a yellow legal pad.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
But what I don't like now is you show them your ID, they either scan the thing or they put it into the computer. And it's like, now you're just going to go sell that information. At the end of the day, this is a college. It's a fucking business. And this sharing people's private information because they interacted with you for less than fucking 20 minutes...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
There was a chef there making food. There was puppies. I was playing with puppies. It's like impossible to be in a bad mood doing one of those fucking shows. I got to do a quick little thing there with everyone on the show promoting Glenn Gary and the special. So I had a great time. And then the Breakfast Club. That's my second time doing it. I love those guys. I had a great time with them.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Walking across your campus and now you're just going to put all my fucking information out there so you can make money on it. I don't even get a cut. Oh, oh, Billy's up on his fucking soapbox. There's something I would like to see politicians change. How about we get a cut of our own personal information? Like if a corporation is going to turn around and sell it, it's my information.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Shouldn't I get a cut? I mean, I get it that you're making the deal. Right. But I should give me to kick me 10 percent. Columbia. Give me 10% of my information being sold. Why can't I do that? I mean, is that asking too much? Is it... Anyway, so I wanted to get a dog, man, after seeing what those those playing with those puppies this morning. It was funny.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And I was I was talking to all the rescue people and I was like, oh, yeah, I had a pit bull. I love the pit bull. Yeah, but mine was crazy or whatever, you know. And they and they, of course, go, well, you know, you know, it's the owner and blah, blah. I don't know. This thing came out of the dog womb. Crazy. It just was a crazy dog.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And unfortunately, it was a pit bull because, you know, so they were kind of not receptive to the information till I kind of explained it. I go, put it this way. I go, my my trainer that I spent a zillion dollars on trying to get this dog to not try to kill everybody that came through the door.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
He finally threw his fucking hands up and just basically said, you know, this is one of these dogs that nature said no to, but people said yes to. And I took that to mean the mother knew there was something wrong with my dog and rejected it. But the dog was so adorable that somebody else, you know, you know, these dog people, they probably started fucking breastfeeding the thing.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And so did I ever tell you one of the saddest fucking nature videos I ever saw? was this mother bird came back to her nest, and I think she had food or whatever, and she just looked down at all three of her birds and then just picked one of them up and threw them out of the nest. Just made a judgment call, like, I'm not going to be able to keep all three.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
If I try to keep all three of these alive, you know, all three are going to die. But if I throw away one, two can live. And she just threw it out of the nest, and it just lands...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
On the ground of the woods... Waiting... For whatever... To come along and eat it... And it's just sitting there chirping... And the mother's ignoring it... And it's just like... That is the shit... Right there... The harshness and the sadness of that... Is what makes me... Not be able to get my head... Wrapped around... A loving God... That created this... It's like... I think...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
God wanted... Like, I don't know what. Like, tension and strife and competition. I hope this isn't interpreted the wrong way by fucking... You know those people who, like, read The Art of War? And apply it to their life? Trying to make it as, like, a personal trainer? And it's just like, yeah, I think it's about war. No, this is applicable. This is applicable to what I do. Um...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Anyway, shit is fucking depressing. So anyway, I don't know where the fuck I'm going with any of this stuff. So today I have a I have a later every day, like the call time has been later and later. And and at some point we're going to be done with previews and then we're going to be in the official opening night.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
and the real deal um of the show and i guess all you have to do is show up a half hour before your show so then all of a sudden it just becomes it's just like oh you just get to come down here and have fun once or twice during the day it's kind of uh It's kind of like a fucking the great maybe one of the great greatest gigs in show business. I'll tell you what sucks is right down the block.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Denzel Washington. And Jake Gyllenhaal are doing a play and it's just like, I mean, it's fucking Denzel. I got to go watch this guy act like live. Like how amazing would that be? But I am too fucking stupid to understand Shakespeare. I just don't understand what's happening. I know it's English, but it's like retired English. So it's like there's no fucking way I'm not going to go to that show.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
So what I'm going to do is I'm going to get the book, like the cliff notes, like just like back in the day when I was in high school. So I can read the fucking play and try to understand what is happening first. So when I go there, I can enjoy it.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
everybody's performances rather than you know when you're too dumb to get something and you just sort of sit there quietly and you look in the same direction as all the other humans but like you don't move your head but your eyes are kind of like looking out the side of your head like am i the only guy who uh is a little confused by all of this so um i don't know i think it's time i put my big boy pants on and try to understand
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
So I don't know. Or maybe I should just understand my limitations because like I think Denzel and Jake are so good that even if I don't quite understand what's going on, just watching what they're doing alone is going to be enough. I don't know. We shall see. So anyway, so getting back to that other shit. So I went up to Columbia, did not walk the campus, but something good came out of it.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I walked down the street and there was this Hungarian pastry place with a line down the block. It's been there for I don't know how many years. Looks mom and pop run or whatever. So I'm going to take my lovely wife there because I don't eat sweets anymore. Try not to anyways, because... Because that's how I got my fucking dad bod or whatever. So today I'm going to the gym. Ego day, baby. Ego day.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Upper body. Upper body. Here's the thing. If you can somehow get into lower body the way you are upper body, I've been trying to do that. Right? Because I came up in the 80s. I'm institutionalized. All it is about how much you fucking benching. Dude, he curls with fucking 180 pounds. Every time I was at a gym and I saw this guy curling 225 pounds, he had fucking 245s on both sides.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Didn't have them locked either. So they were sort of rattling when he did it. And everybody just out of the side. It was one of the most amazing feats of strength I've ever seen. He did, I think, like four or five reps of it. and he was curling it, and I remember every time when he would bring it up, he'd go, he'd go, hap, hap, hap, and it was fucking, and my goal was to bench 225.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
old Skinny Billy Skinny Billy back in the day was my goal was to bench what this guy was fucking curling with and I did bench it I did it one fucking time but the problem is the one person who saw me do it has passed away the late great Wayne Previty we used to go to this place the Bulldog Gym on Hollywood Boulevard and I think it's like a nightclub now and we used to work out there and uh
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I remember we were there when that dude was curling 225. I remember looking at Wayne and he looked at me like, dude, what the fuck? It was insane. It was just one of these guys that like, I mean, he was putting the work in and everything, but he was just like, he was just built like the Hulk and it was all natural. He just, one of these guys that was just a fucking walking refrigerator. Um, Yeah.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
$75.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And after we're done paying for renting the theater, all the money goes to Patrice's... Wonderful mother. And we make sure we take care of her every year because Patrice was taking care of her. So it's a great, great, great thing that you can do if you can come out. All right. And with that, let's blow ahead here. All right. So guess what? We are officially in previews.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Never forgot him. And then there was another time when I was still living in New York and I was on the Upper East Side and I was the member. I was a member at New York sports clubs. And I remember there was this fucking old school guy. He'd come in there. He looked like Ken Patera. If you remember that wrestler, he had like a fucking blonde, long perm and he was an old guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Like probably younger than me, but then I considered him old. He was about 50 and he had the gray sweatshirt and the gray sweatpants and Chuck Taylors. And he had the white towel tucked in around his neck, tucked in to the sweatshirt. Right. Dressed like Rocky Balboa. And he had glasses or maybe like a headband. I don't know what. And he would go in, and he would be lifting this crazy weight.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And when he would bring it down, he'd go, and when he would push it up, he'd go, right? So he would be doing sets, loud as shit, going, and my favorite one, he would do the last rep. He'd go, and So the dude was he was a little off. Right. So like it would make you just fucking laugh. But he was putting up crazy weight.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
It's like I don't want this fucking gorilla fucking thinking I'm laughing at him. But I am. And I just remember any time he was there, I would just put my head down and I would be like, you know, with like the towel acting like I was wiping sweat off my mouth. And I was just fucking dying laughing. And then invariably.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I would lock eyes with somebody else and they would be laughing and you just be fucking laughing. You couldn't even get like if there was no way to do a set when this guy was doing a set. You had you had to like time your set in between him going. Yeah, because you would be laughing too hard to fucking get to get through your fucking reps. Anyway, so how much time have I done? Look at that.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Bam, right there, 30 minutes. 30 minutes of fucking bullshit. All right, I'm going to go fucking go do my ego day. I'm going to go to my big gay gym with all the fellas. And fucking knock it out. And then... I get the privilege of fucking working with these amazing actors again tonight. I still can't believe I'm doing this gig.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
If you guys get a chance, you got to come down here because this is a legendary play. And I really feel like the cast is putting their own stamp on it. And I'm telling you, like I. I find myself just watching the monitor, even though I've seen all of these actors do this hundreds of times at this point and just watching what they're doing with it, it's.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
i i knew it was going to be fun i had no idea it was going to be this fun so um so come on that's a great excuse to come to new york um it's getting warmer springtime's coming you know spring only lasts six days now so make sure you get here before it's hot as balls come down check out the show all right that's the podcast enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented andrew themalis and uh
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And then we'll have a bonus episode of a previous Thursday. What the fuck is the name of this podcast? The Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 13th, 2017. What's going on? How are you?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
How are you? You know what? I ask you that every week. How are you? But this Monday, I would really like to know. How are you?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
What's going on? Mandy, what's going on with you? You're scaring me.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You know, that's the type of shit you can do when you're abroad. But if you're a guy, you can't do that. You can't be like, Mike, what's going on with me? What's going on with me? What's going on with you? You're scaring me. You know, as you're taken by both his hands. All right. I got an hour here to do. And I got to be honest with you.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
previews now what i've learned is previews are not official shows yet this is used just sort of working the show out now in front of a crowd and um i gotta be i'm a little confused by it because people are paying a lot of money to still come see it so it's like i don't it doesn't feel like it's okay to just be you know you can try out stuff but you gotta bring it and um
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I don't have shit to say because my life has become very compartmentalized. Being a dad here. Daddy, oh, oh. she's asleep downstairs, man. She's fucking awesome. Anybody who says that being a parent is hard is a fucking pussy. You know, I'm not saying that it's not tedious. I'm not saying, saying it's not like walking around with a little fucking kettlebell all day long.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You know, especially if you fucked up one of your rotator cuffs, I got to keep her in close on the right hand side. You know, keep her in tight. Tiki barber. Don't fumble. Um, But we just sit around. We listen to a lot of music with her. I was listening to fucking. What was I listening to yesterday? Just like they called Malt Shop Oldies. It's basically like doo-wop from the 1950s.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And I kind of settled on that channel. And after a while, I wanted to turn the channel, but I couldn't because she was sleeping. And the remote was across the table. Once they fall asleep, dude, it's just like. You know, I don't care what position you're in, you're not moving because they're fucking sleeping, right? So I just sat there and listened on a loop to all this.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Slowly going out of my fucking mind. Doo-wop's great for about four songs in a row, and then it just becomes the same song over and over and fucking over again. I was listening to that shit for like a fucking, like an hour. And like half of those songs have been in Scorsese movies. You know, it's always like some guy's name and then the name of a card.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You know, so and so in the Fleetwoods, something, something in the Belmonts. Deal in the Belmonts. You got to love them. They're still fucking great. You know, The Wanderer. That fucking song is so applicable to anybody who didn't get married. You're in your 40s. Well, I'm the type of guy who will never settle down. It makes you feel great about the choice you made.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Until, you know, you realize he sang it in his 20s. You're like, oh, fuck. What was another one? You talk too much.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You talk too much.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You worry me to death. You talk too much. I think he says, you even worry my pet. It's just like, that can't be the fucking line. But they played it twice.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
um speaking of talking too much that's what the fuck i do on this podcast um oh i know what i could i know what we actually had a date night this is how much of a fucking dad i'm becoming you know still playing drums you know schedule a helicopter uh thing so you know i'm still trying to keep the hobbies going but they're they're starting to wobble on the sticks here so um
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
We were watching a commercial the other day. No, we were watching Wheel of Fortune the other day. And they always get to the fucking last prize. And Wheel of Fortune is so fucked. They're notoriously cheap. First of all, you're basically spinning this giant roulette wheel. And even on the roulette wheel, they got, you know, green zero and the double green zero.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And just that alone, that alone will completely fuck you over. Now, obviously, you guys hopefully have listened to this podcast long enough to know that I am not a mathematician. So I cannot explain why, but just having those two will fuck you over. But what's their faces? The Wheel of Fortune, they got like fucking, I swear to God, it's like two or three bankrupts lose a turn just constantly.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Every two seconds, you just hear that fucking reverse flute thing. And they go bankrupt. And then it comes to their big prize. When they try to act like they're going to throw down some goddamn cash. The last one, it's so fucking difficult. We're going to guess some letters for you. We're going to guess some letters for you. Let me guess some letters for me. You know the fucking answer.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And they act like it's weird when only like one letter, they only guess one letter right. And then people are like, okay, give me three fucking letters in a vowel. P, F, L. A, and then it's always like, great guesses, but you're not going to like this. We only got one letter. It's just like, you know, do the best you can. They always fuck them over.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
But this lady, this lady, she actually did okay, and she won the prize. She didn't do okay. She fucking crushed it. I can't imagine. Keep your hands to yourself or something like that was solving. No, this is a phrase. Like, who would ever come up with that on a fucking game show? Keep your hands to yourself. It was something on that level. It was like semi-aggressive slash, you know, date rapey.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I cannot tell you, like, how awesome it is to, you know, get to do this and to watch all of these actors that I've been working with, you know, seeing them. They tried stuff when we were rehearsing it and then watching them try it out and adjusting it and everything like that. I get so fucking amped up.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And it's on a fucking game show. And she somehow got it. There is a point at the end of this, right? And she ends up winning this fucking two-seater. Some sort of Mazda or some shit. It's not a Miata. I don't know what the fuck it was. Suzuki. I have no fucking idea. It was a two-seat sport car. And, um...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Immediately, my first thought was, I looked at Nia, I was just like, you can't get a kid in there. And then she laughed. She's like, ah, look, you're becoming a dad. And I'm like, no, I'm not. I'm still young and cool. But she was right, you know. I'm not becoming a dad. I am a goddamn dad.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
But I'm not going to be one of those douchey dads that talks about how, or parents who talks about how fucking difficult their life is. It's fucking awesome. But having a kid when you're in your 20s and you're broke sucks. You know, but when you travel in the country and they're paying you money to talk about your dicks and do fucking dicks. Talking about your dick and do shit jokes.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
It's not that bad. I'm only on the road like six days a fucking month. You know, unless I fly in a night early to go watch the fucking Bruins or Celtics or some shit. If our schedules line up. And other than that, then I'm here. And she's cool as shit, man. She doesn't really cry. She only cries, you know. Needs a diaper change. Wants to be held. You know. Hungry.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Other than that she totally chills. She's met a bunch of people. She doesn't freak out with strangers. One of the best compliments I got. She's like oh your kid's really. There's a really relaxed healthy baby. You know what I mean. Which I'm fucking psyched. Because that's what I want. Obviously healthy. But I want a fucking chill baby. I don't want like.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I basically don't want my kid to be like me. that's why I got to keep up with this meditating. Cause I didn't do it for a minute. And the, Oh, the old gray mare, she ate. I started fucking going back to what the fuck I was, you know, like I fucking, uh, I was trying to, you know, sneak out of the bedroom cause I was going to go work out cause I'm a fucking fat cupcake eating douche. And, um,
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Nia just opens her eyes and just goes, could you change it really quick? I just stopped and I looked at her and I said, you really need to work on your good mornings. She's like, sorry, good morning. And even though I was right, my tone was just, it was way too, you know, I was like that, uh, I always say Liam Neeson. Liam Neeson. I don't know, whatever. I took it too far, which kills me.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
That's why I love meditating, because I don't take it too far. And if I make a point, I'm still right. But when I don't meditate, you know, I basically I walk around at a six. You know, like saying 10 is completely losing your shit. I walk around. I'm just walking down the street with a fucking balloon on my wrist at a six to a seven. So it's very easy for me to go right to 10 unless I meditate.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Then that backs me down to about four or three, which still is pretty high, but it's kind of cut my number almost in half. But what kills me is when I'm not meditating and I'm up around a six or a seven, you know, it gets that point. Even if I'm right, my reaction gives them this this wiggle room. You know, some Bill Clinton wiggle room to get the fuck out of it.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You know, some Trump executive order thing to go around some shit. So, you know, so I got to I got to I got to stay on that type of shit. Dude, speaking of fucking. Liam Leeson. Liam Leeson. Why can't you know, it's one of those fucking goes by so fucking quick. You never really even hear it. No, Bill, we all hear it. You don't. I mean, look, I'm going to get this guy's fucking name right.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And then I'm also fascinated, like, watching, like, oh, man, you know, so-and-so got a laugh on that. What did they figure out? Was it the crowd? Was it the way the other actors set up the line or whatever? It's sort of like infinite, like, the options, but...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
He's great actor here with Liam Leeson. Oh, no, it's Liam Neeson. His first name's not Liam. Yes, it is. Liam Neeson. Ah, whatever. I'll never get that right. I'm never going to get that fucking right. Anyways, look at the fucking head of hair on that son of a bitch. Anyways, I saw a fucking great movie this week.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
So Saturday night, Saturday, Saturday, we go out.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And we actually have a date night. So we're like, all right, we'll get maybe like dinner and a movie. We'll basically turn about appetizer and a drink. And I'm sitting there like, you know, I'm on the wagon. I can't do it. He is like, oh, just fucking have one. So I was like, all right, I'll have one, you know, still on the wagon.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You know, I'm not like a fucking alcoholic where I just got to shut the whole thing off. You know what I mean? So I had one. I had a cognac, a fucking cognac. And I just said, you know, I just ordered the best one that they had. So it tasted amazing, but it was also like drinking gasoline. So I could only sip it. And we got like an appetizer.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And then we just sat there, you know, shooting the shit. It felt weird because we hadn't been out together in a while. And then we just started talking about our daughter and looking at pictures of her. It's like two addicts going out. You know what I mean? At some point, you're going to start talking about blow and how much fun it is. So then, you know, after that, we walked up the street.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
We went to the movie theater and we saw Get Out.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
The Jordan Peele film... Dude... It was fucking... That was amazing... You gotta go see it... I know there's... You know... There's always that movie... Everybody's like... Dude... You gotta go fucking see it... And it doesn't live up to the hype... It lived up to the hype man... It was fucking great... And what I loved... What I loved about it... And what I love about all fucking movies like this... Is there was a bunch of shit in there... That you had... He left you to figure out yourself... And... I saw the movie like two, three days...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
ago, Saturday night, was it Monday, two days ago, you know, and I keep, even though I'm driving, I'm still thinking about the movie, I was like, oh fuck, that was this, and this meant that, and this is over here, and this person's that, like, you know, it was the perfect length, the whole thing, and the acting in it was unbelievable, dude, that fucking guy, I swear to God, man, that's like one of the most talented people to come around in a long, long time,
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
We're three of those performances in, and I think last night was our best show, and everybody keeps getting better, and people were getting applause breaks, and it's really settling into this cool thing where it's dark, but it's also funny. It's sad, and then it's hilarious, and it's just this unbelievable ride, And, oh my God, Michael McKeon last night was fucking on fire.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
you know, to be that good at like, you know, the characters that he did on his sketch show and the writing. And then on top of that, you can direct, I mean, he's kind of fucking limitless as far as his talent goes. But if you haven't seen it yet before somebody ruins it, you got to go check it out. All right. There's my, I never do a movie plug. So there you go. There's one for you.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Um, so we ended up going to that thing and, uh, I don't know what the fuck we did after that. I think we just came straight home. Oh, I know. Walked up to my car and for some reason the fucking lights were on. Because cars are so goddamn confusing. Like wherever the fuck my lights used to be was the automatic. You just turn the car on and they fucking come on at night.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Like somehow the lights sense night. Fucking creepy as that. And I did the manual one. And now that it's on the manual one, I can't figure out where the fuck to put it. So now I always have to do it. And now I'm like, you know,
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
But you know what kills me with today's technology is I left those things on, went and had a drink and an appetizer, and then saw like a fucking whatever that movie is, 90 minutes, hour and 45 minute movie, and I came back, my car still started up. Back in the day, you were fucked. Everybody had jumper cables. Dude, can you give me a jump? Do you mind if I hate to bother you?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I did Good Morning America today. They kept calling it GMA, which made me think of GMOs, which are genetically modified organisms. I don't know what it is. Something about what they put in the food. But they pay the politicians, so that's fine. That's all right. And I did The Breakfast Club. I had a great time. And I did one other show. I'm spacing here. I had a great time.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Can you give me a jump? And it was always like the shittiest fucking car ever, and you're like, oh, man. Nah, man, I can't. I can't. Now you can just say, no, I can't. Why not? It's like, well, with today's technology, it's pointless for me to ever look under my hood. I just take it down to the dealer and they deal with everything. I don't even know where the battery is.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I can guarantee you when I when I fucking lift up the hood, I probably have to remove something to get to one of the terminals. So I don't know why you're not a member of AAA, but I don't want to tell you. And I leave and I get in my car and I drive away from a fellow American. You understand me? Dude, what's going on with the fucking Celtics? They've lost six of their last 11 games.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
They're five and six.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And now the Wizards, the Wiz, ease on down, ease on down the road.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I never really realized that until a buddy of mine has been giving me shit, you know, because the Wizards have been playing well against the Celtics and just playing great this year. They slid into second place. And I just keep trashing about the name. Like the Bullets is too violent, you know, which I understand because this city was so violent. Back in the day, you know.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
But to go from being the bullets. Which I used to think, you know, number one with the bullet. That's how I always looked at it. Or faster than a speeding bullet. Superman shit. I didn't think like, you know, the team was embracing gang violence out on the street. It was like pro crack violence. It's such stupid shit. I fucking hate when they, so then what do they do?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
What are the soccer moms fucking political correct police who for some fucking stupid reason think that they're these progressive people and think that they can just, oh, we'll change words.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
If we change words, it changes to perception.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. If your parents were dopes, racist cunts, that's what the fuck your kid's going to be. That's it. Unless your kid is lucky enough to interact with somebody within the group that your parents used to fucking trash. Then maybe you got some daylight. You don't just change a word and it's this fairy dust that sprinkles over somebody's heart and you change their thought.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
It's so fucking dumb. All it did was just become a way to lose your job because you said the wrong fucking word. And then what? The person who uses the word dies. Then they realize it after they lose their job. Oh, now I'm not racist or homophobic. It's so fucking dumb. So they've gone right down to these stupid fucking team names. I love how they changed the Bullets, but not the Redskins.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You know, you got like the fucking... If they haven't changed the Redskins, I'd be like, yeah, I get that. I get that. Like the Indians... You know, it's like, all right, you know, we weren't from fucking, we weren't, you know, Columbus didn't understand that there was a real world. This shit's even real. Who the fuck knows? There was no tape recorders. This guy didn't have a fucking diary.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
But how the story was told was that he was like, no, man, the world is fucking round. And this guy had the balls. This guy had the fucking balls to start going towards where they thought you'd go off the edge of the earth.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
in a fucking boat you know i don't know why the water makes it more scarier but you know if anybody just sat around thought about all right the world is fucking flat um how isn't the water just running off the edges here do they not have counters and sinks i guess they didn't do they have plumbing at that point again you know the romans did
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
fucking heathens banging each other in the goddamn bathrooms there whatever they did ate until they had puke rooms just eat until you fucking puke so I would actually think well at the very least even if it is flat the fact that there's still water in the ocean there's got to be land on the other side holding it in right but not old Christopher Columbus not old Chrissy he was like no fuck that I'm gonna get to the West Indies whatever the fuck it was I'm gonna get to India
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Going the other way. Me fucking sky the balls to sail out that way, sails out that way, and then he thinks, oh, fuck. These people must be Indian. You know, that's just sort of like. Oh, are you Arab? I thought you were Italian. I mean, it's at that level of offensive. Like, I mean, would you really get that offended? Like, no, I'm fucking Arab. How dare you?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
It's going to be such a good time. And I was already thinking backstage when I was waiting for the play to end and then come out and do the curtain call. I was already thinking of how sad I'm going to be on the last night because this is going to be... This is just one of those things that totally lives up to the hype. So thank you to everybody that's come out so far.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
What do you got against Italians, you cunt? Sorry. Anyways. Speaking of which, I don't understand all these people going on to Ancestry.com. Why you would go to a fucking website and let them take a swab of your saliva? How fucking dumb are people?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Oh, my God. I didn't realize, you know, I'm also Swahili.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Whatever the fuck. Why do I always pick Swahili? I was thinking Romania. I didn't understand. I was also Hungarian. Great.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Now I know why I like goulash one eighth of the time.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
At this point, you're so fucking far removed. And I don't understand why people are sitting there acting like there's any sort of culture. There isn't. All right. It's just like what I saw in the greater Phoenix area. There's a new patch of land. You know, you fucking clear it out. You put a bunch of houses down and then you slam down a fucking strip mall. Sorry, I got to do this podcast before.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
My daughter wakes up here. Yeah, they slap down a fucking strip mall and they just continue to progress. That's basically, you know, then there's a cheesecake factory. They get a frozen yogurt place. And that's what it's become. Okay, there's no culture left, is there? I mean, that is the culture. This sounds like one of the douchey talk show right now. There is no culture.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And this is what needs to stop. We have to stop these strip malls. All right, do you have a solution? No, I don't. I just don't like CVS anchored strip malls. There was a bunch of people out the other day. You know, you know when you just have like shit to do like a Saturday, right? And it's rained a bunch when we were out here and some fucking idiot politician said the drought's over.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
It's like, no, it isn't. It's never over. It was just in a good place right now. When is it going to rain again? You don't know. So now you're going to let people go back to taking long fucking showers. I never do that out here. I shut, I turn on and shut off the water like fucking five times when I take a shower. I turn it on, you know, get yourself wet, you know, and then you shut it off.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Sudge yourself up. Then you turn it back on, rinse yourself off. You shut it off and that's it. So instead of standing there under the cascading water, you know, like you're some sort of God. Um, And I like to think a lot of people try to do that, at least. My wife doesn't. She fucking turns the thing on. She's fucking walking around. You know? She's one of those chill people.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
She doesn't think about shit like that, you know? I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm a better person than my wife, and I don't know how to bring that up. If you guys know a good way to word it, like, how can I basically say, you know what it is, honey? I guess at the end of the day, I'm just... I'm just a better person than you are. I just already pictured her rolling her eyes.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Anyways, the fuck was my point? All right. Yeah. So Indians. Okay. That's like fucking. That's almost kind of funny. Like now you're fucking dope. You're like 6,000 miles away from where you think you are. I guess it was probably funny at first until he started chopping people's arms off because they couldn't fucking get some gold for the holes in his teeth.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And who the fuck am I to say what's offensive? But you would think that redskin, that would be at the top of the fucking list over bullets. You know what was the worst one? The fact that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now just the Rays. You know, that's when you know you got to move.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And I am looking forward to everything else. Also, I definitely get the fucking butterflies before I go out there. Because I'll tell you, what's funny is you go out, you have a good show and everything's awesome. And the night ends and you feel like this amazing feeling of accomplishment. And then you wake up the next day and you're like, oh, fuck, I got to do it again.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
That's when you just sit like, wait a minute, are there enough Jesus freaks in this area that the local team has to appease their, you know, hocus pocus bullshit? I mean, Devil Ray, isn't that an actual name of like some sort of stingray? I have no idea. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. All I know is that that guy's first name is Liam. That sounds too close like Lyme, like Lyme disease. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Devil. Ray. Here we go.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Yeah.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Let me see here. All I'm seeing is pictures of fucking stingrays, giant ones with the fucking, you know, like they're flying through the water. If somebody can explain to me how that makes you move forward. When they make you go up to the surface. Dude, these things are fucking gigantic. They're badass. Look at the thing. It's getting air.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
It's jumping out of the water unless somebody photoshopped it. I got to go video now. They just change it to the rays. We're just the incredible flying rays. So I guess Devil Ray was the nickname. Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't need a commercial. I do the commercials, not you. On the West Coast, there's always some fucking English accent in the show. Plus, it's the BBC. Sorry. Oh, Jesus.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
What are they showing there? Somehow, I got a fucking pelican. 20 abnormally large animals that actually exist. This is how you fucking go down. You go down just like a... What do they call it? They go down the fucking rabbit hole. Let's see. Come on, man. Oh, that was a school of them. I'm an asshole. Right as it fucking got good. Jesus, those things are ugly as shit, huh?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
All right, so they're in a helicopter, I imagine. They're flying over this whole school of them. It's like a fucking Devil Ray orgy. That's why. I bet the other ones are more like, what do they call it if you're just monogamous? These things are out here fucking the shit out of each other. And the local Jesus freaks down in Clearwater, Florida. They couldn't have it.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
They fly out of the fucking water. They're not too graceful with the landing there. All right, I'll repost that fucking video in case you want to watch that while you listen to me ramble about it. Yeah, they changed it to the Rays. The Tampa Bay Rays. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Two syllables, two syllables. They went from 4-4 time to 3-4. They turned their fucking team into a waltz. I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. Can I read? You guys want to listen to me read out loud? Hey, everybody. It's time to feel better about the brain you were blessed with. Is this it right here? Can somebody explain to me why? It's not at the font I need. I like a nice fucking 18. Font. That's good for me. Now, why the fuck would they say that I'm walking around wearing them?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I would wear that if I was like 20 years younger. Okay? Let me tell you something. If you're in your late fucking 40s and you can't afford a fucking... You can't afford a decent watch. Because I don't go for the flash. You know what I mean? I don't understand that. I mean, I get it. I guess I get it. That Rolex thing. That hacky thing. I got a Rolex. As you can see, I've made my dreams come true.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I'm a man of the world. You know, there's a lot of guys out there. You know, my dad always said a man should own a nice watch. What else did he say?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Oh, this is what they're talking about. When I was talking to other actors going, you know, you got to like, you know, it's a grind, you know, so you got to like blah, blah, blah. But I'm just going to. I don't know. Just go one show at a time and listen to whoever the hell I'm talking to and. on stage and see if we can have another good one tonight. That's it. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I get the fuck out of here. I'm taking a shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You know, what else did he say? That was so fucking deep. Maybe, you know what? Maybe you had a nice, calm, relaxed, relaxing person in your life. Maybe you did. I'm always jealous of that. When I see like calm families, they got to be bored shitless though. There's got to be, you know what? I would actually be willing to guess that the child that is more likely to just go fucking nuts.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You know what I mean? Take out the family car. You know, throw a hatchet over somebody's head. It's going to come from a calm family after a while. That's stupid. No, it isn't. I'm just saying it's possible. Just the fucking monotony of it.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Like you ever go to Disneyland and you're fucking worn out and then you just start hearing it's a small world and it just keeps going over and over again and you slowly feel yourself like losing your sanity. That right there is why I don't believe in heaven or hell. You know what I mean? I just don't believe in it. It doesn't make any fucking sense. You know?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Like if heaven was, if it was just heaven the whole fucking time, heaven would eventually become hell. Because it would just be so fucking nice and everybody would just be walking around. Isn't this great? Oh my God, it's great.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Can you believe how great this is? This is just fucking great. Every fucking day. And at some point you're going to be like, I did it. It's fucking great. You know? Like, what do you do?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
For the rest of your fucking life, you're just sitting there and it's always the same. It's just awesome. It never rains. There's no disappointments. There's no challenges. There's no funny stories to tell anymore. Hey, you remember that time when it was awesome? Yeah, it's always awesome. Right?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Then if you're in hell, I'm on fire. I'm on fire. God, I'm on fire. I'm on fire after a while. Yeah, I'm on fire.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I can't yell anymore. This has just become normal. I don't even remember what my fucking life was like before I got here. I don't know. I guess hell you can actually see how that would suck. I just don't get heaven. I don't want to fucking be like, you know, at some point something has to happen. As I'm riding around in my fucking old angel white bicycle.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
At some point you got to get a flat, right? Then immediately somebody would be there to help you out. They'd be saying a bunch of nice shit to you. I would slowly just start crying. And I would just whisper at some point, Jesus. I know this is weird. I understand. I'm not trying to be that guy who's not appreciative. But could you just say, you know, could you just call me a cunt or something?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Could you fucking just slap me with your sandal? You know, can you just imagine the look on his face as he just sits there, you know, not saying anything. As you talk yourself into a corner, he's just sort of looking at you. You know, people look at you when they go from one eye to the other. Right eye, your left eye, your right eye, your left eye.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And you're like, this motherfucker's trying to get in my head right now. The son of God is trying to get in my fucking head. Then you got to explain that to the boss's son why you don't like heaven. Not that you don't like it, but it's just like, can you make it rain every once in a while? Can it be that dog that's just fucking barking right as I'm going to sleep? Can we just have that?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Does every fucking dog have to behave itself? Why can't I say that word, Jesus? Why can't I say that word? Am I disrupting it? What are you going to do now? Send me down to hell? It's over. I already passed the test.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
All right? Can somebody be annoyed with fucking something up here? Look at everybody. Look at them all. These fucking goddamn smiles on their faces. It's creepy, Jesus. I don't know. Would you want to fucking be like, it's like you joined a cult.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And with that, with that, with that, it's such an exciting time of year. Baseball's coming back. Hockey and basketball is getting close to the playoffs. You got MotoGP. You got fucking the F1. And you got match madness coming up. You have all kinds of distractions. Distractions. To not freak you out. You know what I mean? To have some sort of normalcy. I'll tell you what's freaking me out.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
All of these fucking, you know what I mean? If I was running shit, I would make religion illegal. It would just be fucking, I would just take it all away from everybody. You know? That's what I would do. I would have a fucking crew of robots, you know, to infiltrate every fucking religion. And then when I made it illegal, they would join the radicalized people in every group, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And then they would just wipe them all out. You know, and then you'd have to listen to the whining and the crying of people that remembered fucking religion and all. You just take the whole fucking thing away. And the new religion is, hey, I don't know what the fuck happens after you die. You know? But, you know, let's be nice to each other.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And that's it. Okay, no walking on water. No never running out of fish, part in seas.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I don't know about anybody else's religion. I don't know what the fuck, but I know there's always some fucking crazy thing that you know didn't happen and everybody acts like it happened. It didn't happen. It was painted on a fucking cave wall and somebody elaborated on it. I don't know. I'd get rid of it personally. I'm just talking for myself. Personally, I would get rid of it.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
By the way, guess what I'm doing on March 29th out here in Los Angeles? All right. If you're if you're in Los Angeles and you're a Guns N' Roses fan and you like reading their books about the band, I've read every fucking one of them. I read Slashes. I read Steven Atlas. I read the kid from Cantor's. Knew the band, took all the pictures. I have that fucking book.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And recently, I don't know when she put it out, but Deanna Adler, Stephen Adler's mom, wrote a book. Sweet child of mine. And especially, you should read Stephen's first. You know? You get his version of the hell he went through as an addict, and then you get his mother's version, which is unbelievable.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And you know what would be fucking amazing is if you could go down and meet her at a book signing at Barnes & Noble at the Grove on March 29th. I believe it starts at 7 p.m. And you go down there and you can fucking meet the mother of the best fucking, one of the best drummers of the 80s, in my personal opinion. You know what would be even more fucking amazing?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Is if all of them came on my podcast and I got to interview them. Oh, shit! Is there a special Monday morning podcast coming up this week? Wouldn't that be incredible? What would it be like if Stephen Adler, you guys all know how much I fucking love him. His mother, Deanna Adler. And then that brother Jamie Adler all came on my fucking podcast. What would that be like?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
What would it be like if they all came on at the same time? And there was this big happy family that just sat there interrupting each other. And you felt like you were at their fucking dinner table. How fucking cool would that be if I did a podcast like that? Well... It's gonna happen. It already happened. I already recorded it. And I'll wait till you guys listen to it. But...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I had so much fun with them, and their mother is an absolute salt of the earth sweetheart. And she has a book signing, and she's all excited slash nervous that no one's going to show up. Same way when I put out a special, what if nobody watches it? So I'm going to be hyping this right up until March 29th.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
um it would be such a great thing if there was a bunch of people down there i'm gonna be down there standing in line with the rest of yous uh probably get down there i don't know probably like around uh eight ish i think it starts at like seven but i'll be down there around eight just because i got i got some fucking thing i'm taping right before it but um yeah i did a special podcast i got to meet steven adler and i'm still fucking freaking out and uh
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And I'll wait till you guys listen to the interview and then I'll tell you all the fucking cool stories. All right, here we go. Let's plow ahead here. Oh, my Bruins beat the fucking Flyers. Oh, with that little fucking prayer of a shot at the end. Not a prayer. Just put it on net and somehow it found its way to the back of the net. Bruins pick up a huge two points. Bruins are playing great.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And as are the Canadians, which I don't like the Canadians, but I'm happy for Claude Julien, you know? And I'm actually, you know what? I think the Bruins might have been right to make a move at this point. I think it's just one of those things with coaching. After a while, even if the person is great, even if they won you a cup, it's just part of coaching.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
At some point, they just show you the door. But we're playing great. We look a lot better than we did, so... I think maybe it's worked out and the fucking Canadians are playing better with Claude Julien. All my friends in this business who are Hab fans, they keep texting me saying that they're loving the guy. So I guess it worked out for everybody. So there you go.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
On GMA, Good Morning America, when I was watching the meteorologist, when she was doing the weather, I was just like, this is fucking, this is frightening. It was just flames everywhere. Tornadoes and all of this shit and nobody's like talking about, hey, is this what the scientists were warning us about? Is it starting to happen or is this normal?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And Claude went from an original fucking six to an original six. There you go. All right. So anyways, let's plow ahead here. Let's read some of the some of the fucking whatever you call them for this week. The the questions. All right. DDP yoga. Hey, Bill, first of all, thank you very much for your consistently amazing podcast. Well, thank you for listening.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Thank you for doing what you do, sir or ma'am. I absolutely love it. To be honest with you, I feel like it's getting it's I feel like getting it for free is too much. I'd gladly pay five to ten bucks a month for all the content you're releasing. You don't need to do that. I'm fucking I'm doing great with the advertising.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You know, that's why I fuck around during the advertising, because that's how I fucking make money. But I know you guys are going to fast forward through it unless I keep peppering it with fucks and cunts. That's it. It's a very simple formula. Anyhow. He said, I want to get in touch and address your self-proclaimed dad bod. Have you ever heard of or looked into DDP yoga?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
If not, maybe the name Diamond Dallas Page rings a bell. Former WCW wrestler and all around great guy. After leaving the wrestling business, he devoted himself to getting his body back in peak condition. Even through wrestling, even though wrestling is, quote, fake, it definitely takes a toll. Yeah, they beat the shit out of their bodies.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Long story short, he went from being a guy who wouldn't be caught dead in a yoga studio to trying it after all else failed to develop his own system and helping thousands of people completely revitalize their lives. And I can tell you from personal experience, it's fucking great. No bullshit, no fluff, no instructors calmly whispering things About chakra alignment. Is that how you say it?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Chakra, chakra. It's about consistently performing the physical and mental exercises that will have you operating at your best. Is this a commercial? Healing, nagging aches and pains, increasing your endurance, gaining mental clarity, etc. Like I said, no fluff. Here's the video that got me to take a chance on it. It's not too late for you, Billy. I hope you'll check it out.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Thanks again for the goddamn podcast. All the best to you and your family.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
that actually read like a commercial but you know what I don't give a shit it's a physical fitness thing and so many people have taken yoga and done it in a different way you know because there is that thing if you're really like a wound up psycho to go into a yoga class and the tone with which that they speak is a little jarring you know to be in your car going go you fucking cunt the light is green you could have made it to then being like
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
How is everyone feeling today? I know the traffic was kind of bad. I hope you're not bringing that energy in here. As they're slowly walking around lighting these smelly fucking things. You know? And as they're talking, the person next to you just goes... And immediately you just want to like... I don't know, just slowly roll up your mat and just walk out.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I get that I need to chill out, but I can't feel like... You know where it just becomes like this asexual thing? Where everybody's just kind of like, hey man, we're just kind of, you know, everybody's just like, we're all like one, you know, we're like plants. That's a little fucking jarring. I'll give it a shot.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I've actually been meaning to do it because I keep having setbacks with my fucking shoulder. which is really frustrating, but most of it is diet. So whenever I get in shape, the first thing I do is I cut out the booze. And all I really need to do, I need to go like four to six days without any booze. Even just having that one cognac didn't really do anything.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Like I had the one and then immediately my body's like, hey, why don't we have 15 more? But I had to go to the movie and then I was fine. and then the second I'm in there and the buzz starts to wear off, I think, oh, thank God I didn't have 15 more. Not to mention I got to drive, right? I'm going to give it a shot.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I just think if I did yoga, I'd have to do it in the morning before the little one wakes up. She's so fucking awesome, dude. I'm telling you right now, you'll never regret it. I guess, you know, when you regret it, if you have a kid with somebody... that you're not in love with, I guess that that would suck. But at the end of the day, the kid's still awesome. It's a hell of a door price.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I'll tell you that right now. I'll tell you. All right. Trans wrestling. Hey there, I'm already going to watch this if this is what I think it is. Hey there, Billy Boo. Did you hear the story about the trans girl going through hormone treatment who is still wrestling girls in high school?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
His slash her defense is that it's a low dose of testosterone and it does not allow for any competitive advantage. Wait a minute. Isn't that what HGH is? That's human growth hormone? Well, I guess they don't do human growth hormone. I don't know what kind of hormones they take. Having said that, I'm not sure I'd let my daughter wrestle a girl who had any edge at all.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You never know, you know, or is it like or is it just like. Are they looking at, like, the L.A. fires? Everyone tuned in. We made a lot of money on the ratings, all right? So every time there's a brush fire, they're going to draw flames over, like, fucking Oklahoma and shit. Are they doing it for money? I have no idea. I have no idea, but I will tell you. You know?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Even if it's a tiny bit of extra strength, it could be the difference in breaking a bone. Thoughts? Would you let your daughter wrestle in that situation? Yeah, yeah, I would. They're not going to break a fucking bone. You know what I mean? How many times do people break a bone in wrestling? Does that really happen? They're just fucking on each other the whole time.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
It's like... You know, like that official level shit. Not the fun shit. The stone cold shit. The actual official college shit. It's like... It's like competitive spooning. You know what I mean? It's like one person is trying to spoon with the other person. And the other person is like, I want to be the spooner, not the spooney. That's basically what's going on. They don't really... You know?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
No, I wouldn't be concerned about that. Yeah, I'm one of those dads. With the kids crying, going, you know, she's already half a guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I'd be driving, as far as I know, she's still a girl. So suck it up! You want to be the best? Well, then you got to wrestle half a dude. That's it, that's it, that's it. I don't want to hear another word out of you. I'd be like that.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Why don't you embrace the opportunity to be like, well, here we go. If this is actually a fucking advantage, all this is going to do is make me better. You know what I mean?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And then you can go up there and give your record. 27 and 0 against 100% chicks. And 1 and 2 against someone who was half a dude. Right? You got to embrace it.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I mean, what is that person supposed to do? There's not enough fucking people that are going through what the fuck she's going through to fit in either side. You know, I think I think it's a cool thing. Fucking who gives a shit? Look, there's already going to be that fucking monster anyways. So some woman's going to walk in there and just going to be blessed with.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
with frontier strength you know what i mean chopping wood strength there's gonna be that person anyways um i mean i guess if she was actually if she was trying to get a scholarship and a loss could potentially affect it um maybe but i gotta be honest with you i think um
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I don't know I would as a father I'd be like psyched let's see how you do if this is actually an advantage this is a great fucking opportunity to you become a for you to become a better wrestler there's no money on the line who gives a fuck let's go let me tell you something brother come this Saturday when my daughter wrestles against that half a dude what are you gonna do when these pythons run wild on you I'd get up for it I wouldn't give a shit fuck it um
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Yemeni guy in Europe so the person's from Yemen Yemeni Yemen and ye how the fuck do you say that guy in Europe all right hey Bill I'm a Yemeni guy who has been I hope I'm saying that right no disrespect here who's been living in Europe for the past six fucking years Although everything is going all right, I want to ask your advice because I can relate to your personality.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Thank God for all those puppies and the chefs and everybody's amazing energy over there, because the fucking forecast... They had everything but drawings of sharks coming on land and eating people on the nationwide map. Nationwide is on your side. Anyway, so a buddy of mine sent me something pretty fucking interesting. It's the Robinson Helicopter.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Hang on a second, sir or ma'am. I want to fucking figure out if I'm assuming you're from Yemen. What is Yemeni? What is a Yemeni? Whom? To whom is a Yemenite? Why did that all disappear? What is a Yemeni? Come on. All right. Relating to Yemen or its people. Holy shit, I was right. That's a nice flag. They got a nice flag. I like just the three bars. I'm a big three bar flag guy. France, Italy.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Ireland. Yemen. All right. What do you guys think of the new Russian flag? I kind of like the old one. The old one was the shit. All red with that sickle. I thought that that one was fucking dope. The new one's all right. What is it, red, white, and blue? Holy shit, they got the same colors as us. Is that what it is? It's something like that. I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Tick, tick.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
All right, Yemeni guy in Europe. All right, I've been over there for the last six fucking years. I won't ask you a question because I can relate to you personally. My family has been living in a war zone in Yemen for the past two years. Our old house, our old house there was bombed and my father was inside, but the lucky bastard came out without a scratch.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I miss them and wish I could help them, but that's kind of not possible now. All right. Before I already feel like this is going to be way over my head. Before that, I lost some good old friends that I knew for more than 10 years because of some stupid incidents. Was beaten by a gang of more than 15 men in Malaysia on a trip there for no reason.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And my two-year ex-girlfriend at the time cheated on me with her current boyfriend. Isn't this fucking amazing? This guy's from the other side of the planet and it's the exact same shit. Gang violence and your fucking girl got sick of you and fucking banged somebody else. Cheated on me with her current boyfriend while I was on that trip, I guess, to Malaysia.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And didn't have the decency to break up with me before that. She was my first. You know, what are you going to do? People are young. They don't know how to break up. So they wait till you go to Malaysia and they fuck somebody. I mean, this is a time honored tradition of how to break up with somebody. All right. So if you're with your first love, what have we learned?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Do not go by yourself to Malaysia. I don't know how many times I brought that up on this podcast. You cannot go to fucking Malaysia. I just graduated from college, have a beautiful girlfriend, which I love and feel blessed with what I have. I know that I was an asshole at certain moments of my life, but I have changed a long time ago and I'm still trying to be more honest, clear and focused.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Well, welcome to the club, sir. I'm currently looking for a job in Germany. and will try to apply after that for a German passport, which will make my life much easier and allow me to start a company and sustain myself without being dependent on others. Exactly, you want to work for yourself.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I know that you have lived certain moments in your life where you were faced with challenges that might have taught a lesson but at the same time left a mark on your self-confidence. How did you empower yourself and what advice would you give a young man like me confronting life's challenges? That's it, fuckface. Congratulations on your baby and fuck you. Now there's a guy...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Okay, who speaks at least three languages and still is able to break balls. Isn't that amazing? He probably speaks Yemeni, Yemenite, Yemen Asian, whatever the fuck he speaks, right? He knows that one. He's in Germany, so he's got to speak that language. Why are you in this space, right? And he can also speak English. How did I empower myself? I used to just say shit out loud to myself.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You know, when I would feel the dark cloud of doubt coming in, I would just... You know, it took me a while, but I would... But, I mean, I wasn't facing what you're facing, being an immigrant. So, I mean, you're facing way more than I did, but the fact that... I don't know, you're trying to become a better person, you know, to reach out for help and all that.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I think my gut says you're going to be fine. Well, you have to do...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
In general... Is when the doubt comes in... You got to beat the shit out of it... You know... You have to... The biggest thing is... Is... That you're conscious... That this... Of the self-doubt... So once you're conscious of it... You can then address it... It's when you're... When you're really young... And you're not conscious of it... And... That thought comes in... And then... You start dwelling on it... And then it just washes over your whole body... And you can literally...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
you know, have a fucking panic attack. What you have to do, I did anyways, is, you know, you try to cancel it out with the positive thought. I know this sounds like hokey shit, but I used to just say shit out loud. I read some book one way and it started off with like, I would just be walking down the street.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
company whatever you call it they had the r22 first then they made the r44 which was a four-seater with the uh a six-cylinder engine rather than the four-cylinder and then after that they went 22 44 then they have the r66 which is a turbine which is a jet engine And they unveiled in Dallas that they have a new helicopter coming out. You guessed it, the 88, which is a 10-passenger helicopter.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
you know, walking by other people, and I would just randomly be, just be like, yeah, fuck that, fuck that, and people would be looking at me like I was nuts, but I was like, fuck that negative thought, I mean, I wouldn't yell it, but I would, I would kind of just say, fuck that, fuck that, no, it isn't, no, it hasn't, right, no, it won't, or whatever the hell it was, and then it just became like, when I moved to New York, and trying to get in at the club's
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I knew I was going to get in, but, you know, the day-to-day just seemed like impossible. And, you know, the club owners and everything, and, you know, some of them were cool and others enjoyed the fact that you were desperate and just really enjoyed that position of power over you. And I would walk out of the club dejected you know, I was afraid, you know, am I going to run out of money?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I don't have a job right now. I'm doing these driving back to Massachusetts to fucking feature in Dick Doherty's rooms. That was not barely covering, you know, living in New York. Every time you stepped outside, you blew 20 bucks, 30 bucks, you know? And, um, I just, I started, what I said was, I'm tougher than you, New York, is what I would say.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
As hokey as that sounds, that's what, you know, the city would kick me in the balls, and then I would just mumble that to myself. Sometimes like six times in a row, until I got that thought on my head, and I would just say, and then I would just be like, I'm going to get in the clubs. I'm going to get in and I'm going to make a living. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Everything's going to be fine. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. I mean, something like that. That's what I had to do. And and then it just, you know. And that continues throughout your fucking life. And, you know, then you get to my age, you know, and I'm doing great and everything. But there's also there's always your mortality around the fucking corner.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And how I've kind of mentally dealt with death. The inevitable death is that like that. I just think it's going to be a great experience. You know what I mean? That I don't think anything bad happens to you when you die. Either you just go into the ground and then that's it. And then that's it. You know, you got to be a person on this planet as opposed to like a fucking mosquito.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
You got the best fucking experience. Hopefully you did. And then that's it. It's fucking over or you become something else. I just don't think that is bad. You know, I just don't think it doesn't make any sense that it would then just be bad. I don't know. I hope that helps you. I got a little off the rails there. So what I would say is you just baby step your way. You know?
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And like for me, making it as a comedian was like a 20-year fucking 15, 20-year process. Obviously, I was not the overnight. I didn't have the hook. I didn't have any of that fucking shit. And I just basically... Every day, you know, was fucking hacking at the tree until it came down. And, you know, you just don't quit. You just that's it. You just don't quit. You don't give it a negative thought.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And every day you just fucking take a few steps towards it. And then one day you just wake up and you're where you wanted to be. And you're like, how the fuck did that happen? It's funny. You don't feel any different. You know, so but you'll be all right. I think you're going to be all right. You know, you speak three different fucking languages. You can break balls in English.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I mean, you sound you sound like you got a great sense of humor and you're trying to get you're going to be fine. Just say that to yourself. I'm going to be fine. This is going to work out. And then that's it. And you can try to fucking help somebody else out along the way. All right. Last one here. Documentary recommendations. Hey, oh, Billy. Oh, Billy beat down.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I was wondering if you had heard of this new documentary that just came out called Ice Guardians. It's about the history of enforcers in hockey. And I would love to hear your take on it if you haven't seen it. I watch all of these fucking things. I haven't seen it, but I watched the trailer and it looked great. I don't know about the name, Ice Guardians.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
That sounds somewhere between a superhero movie and a musical, a musical on ice. Coming to Madison Square Garden, it's Ice Guardians. Fosse hands skating around the ice. He said, thanks for all the laughs and for always making me feel better about the way I read things out loud. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Here's a link to the trailer. Okay, I'll send out this link here to the trailer.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
By the way, I'm going to be at the South by Southwest on Tuesday. I'm flying in Tuesday. I'm doing a podcast with Al Madrigal for All Things Comedy Network. And then I'm flying right back out that night. That's it. Boom. Landing, doing a podcast, jumping back on the plane and flying back. That's my dedication to the goddamn network. And also my dedication to fucking coming back to see my daughter.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
That's it. And after that, I got three days. A Monday, a Tuesday, a Wednesday at the Improv in San Jose Cruz. And I think that that's my... That'll be my fucking... That'll be my month. That's it. All right. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. And I think that's it. That is it. All right. Go fuck yourselves.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Believe me, it ain't cheap. Turbine or whatever. They still have the semi-articulated main rotor system. It just would be amazing. Maybe to keep costs down. It's also a space saver in a hanger. If you only have two blades, you can just line it up and you can have a smaller hanger. But once you have the three and you kind of have that triangle, you need something a little wider or whatever.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
This morning, promoting all that stuff. Why? Why you didn't ask? As I go to whore myself out and whatnot. My stand-up special, Drop Dead Years, is coming out, I think, tomorrow. On Hulu. I'm very excited. And I hope you guys enjoy it or whatever. But I had a fucking great morning. Had a good time on Good Morning America.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Maybe it's that. I have no idea. But it was pretty goddamn exciting. And I will tell you, as much fun as I'm having on doing this play... I really miss flying and I miss riding a motorcycle. Those things. I do miss those. But boo-hoo. I have to be here and do a fucking play. But it was pretty goddamn exciting. I'll be honest with you guys.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I kind of wish I learned how to fly a plane instead of a helicopter. Because helicopters are just so fucking expensive. And once you've flown the L.A. basin for 10 years, you get kind of bored and you want to go fly somewhere else. But like, you know, flying a helicopter, it's like you have to fly it the whole time. It's not like and it's also can only go so fast just because of.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
the aerodynamics, the way it's designed and everything. What we have in mobility, the ability to stop and hover and land anywhere, what we gain in that, we give up in forward speed. I know a lot of pilots now where I fly out of and I talk to them about their planes and what they cost. And the planes that cost as much as a little two-seater helicopter, how fast they can fly.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
the autopilot, the altitude that they can fly at and all of that really like fascinates me. And I go, well, you know, that's a whole other animal there. Like what's fascinating to me, what I would love to do one time is be in a private little plane with one of those pilots and like I'm trying, like, to fly... You know, if I had a map in front of me, I would know exactly what it is.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
But, like, you know, if you come into L.A. at 6,000 feet, you can basically fly over every bit of airspace except for the Bravo shelves of airspace around LAX. But, like... And you don't have to talk to anybody. Like, you can just... If you were coming down the coast, you know, Santa Barbara or whatever, you could fly over...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
All of that airspace, you could see so much more and just the path that you could take. And then not to mention cruising at like 200 knots, which is more than twice what I'm usually flying. Like I usually fly like 85 knots. unless I want to just get somewhere, I'll go up to 90.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
But like, I always think if I have an engine failure with the blades turned the way they are, there's going to be a lot of resistance moving forward and my RPMs are going to drop even faster. So I try to like, you know, cause you auto rotated about 60. So if I'm only like, you know, 25 knots above that, it's, it's, I think that's a little more forgiving. Um, all right.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I'm just talking about nerd shit here. Um, Speaking of nerd shit, I got my little electronic drum kit set up over at the theater with like speakers and everything. I just have to figure out the Bluetooth. So that's kind of going to be my thing. Like I'll come over a little bit early before the show, maybe, I don't know, or maybe hang after and I can play and God damn it.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Got to give a shout out to V drums. They are, they sound so unbelievable. You put the headphones on, you got, listen, if you ever wanted to play fucking drums, okay, but they're too loud or whatever, you know, you don't want to drive your significant other crazy, get some V drums.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
I'm telling you, you're going to put your headphones on and you're going to sit down at a kit and you're going to sound like you're in Madison Square Garden. And because they sound so good, it makes you play better. It gives you ideas and all of that. And I was just having a ball with them. You know what's funny is like...
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
When my character exits the play, there's still a decent amount of time left in the second act. So I was actually downstairs playing the drums, waiting for the... There's a point where they're in the play that I can walk upstairs and be there on time for the curtain call. I don't know. The whole thing is... It was pretty exciting. So, anyway. Plowing ahead here. Old Billy fucking gym bud.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
That's a really like fun show to do as far as like the vibe, the vibe that you have to have to do one of those morning shows. It's like the level of like, I don't know, like you have to be like upbeat and positive. It's like people are starting their day. You know what I mean? You can't do the CNN Fox News thing. We don't do that here. I mean, it was fucking fantastic.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Old fucking Billy gym bud is going to the gym again today. I've been crushing it. And the little apartment they got me staying in. Dude, fucking New York is fun again. It's fun again. It's definitely, you know, there was like a... A period there where it got so fucking nice, it was like weird. You felt like you were in The Truman Show or something. But the free entertainment is back. In a big way.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
In a big way. I'll tell you one thing that's cool. There's like this fucking liquor store. And I don't know what it is. It's like this gathering place for these guys that like... I don't know if they're the guys that ride bicycles or whatever, delivery or something. But they're just fucking hanging out.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
And they're smoking cigarettes and they're getting into sports arguments and they're drinking and shit. And they're kind of blocking the street when you go to walk down. And that's like the neighborhood shit that kind of went away for a while. Like one of the worst things I think that happened probably... for like neighborhoods is air conditioning.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
Like back in the day, like air conditionings at nighttime, everybody came out and they, you know, left their windows open and they sat out on the stoops. I mean, obviously this is way before my time, but I can't imagine like the conversations, you know, people, whatever, smoking cigars, cigarettes, playing cards, shooting the shit, debates and all of that stuff.
Monday Morning Podcast
New York, L.A. Airspace, Shakespeare | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-25
So it's kind of as much as they're getting fucked up you know, drinking and stuff, it is good to see people like, I don't know, not just like not staring at their phones. I think that that's what it is. Like these guys are hanging out being their own entertainment. Um, so anyway, uh, I decided that I was going to do something. Um, I wanted to do a bunch of shit that I've, I'd never done before.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in checking in on you oh um jesus christ what a fucking week i'm having jesus christ um dude i had the fucking hiccups for like two days and i'm not saying they won't happen right now all right so get ready
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You know it's a bad Super Bowl when most of the controversy is about the halftime show. You know what I mean? I guess it was people upset that they felt like they couldn't understand Kendrick Lamar.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I did see some funny fucking videos, though, where they were like, you know, middle-aged white people saying they can't understand Kendrick Lamar, but they understand this, and then they show Eddie Vedder singing. I mean, that one fucking song... What is that one song? Oh, Jesus Christ.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Somebody made a whole video of it, and it just makes it seem like he's singing these people's songs off of their IDs, just their names. Sorry, not singing these songs, singing their names off their IDs. But then somebody had a funny comment in this section going, it's not Pearl Jam white people who are saying that they can't understand Kendrick Lamar. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Well, there's so much shit I want to tell you guys about, but I just I can't fucking talk about it until the shit is over. That's just how it fucking works. I'm going to at some point tell you an absolutely fucking hilarious story about trying to find a gym to work out in in New York City. Fuck it. I'm going to tell you a little bit about it.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You know, I love taking steams and I love going into the fucking sauna. You know what I mean? It's really good for you. There's studies out there. Studies have said that it's great for your heart and it really, you know, if you do it a couple times a week, it really staves off like heart disease. I'm an old dad. This is an important thing for me.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
But you cannot use a steam room or a dry sauna in a gym. You can do it at a spa, I feel, if there's a lot of women there. In couples, you can use it. Or you can use it at a hotel. But you in no way, shape, or form can use a sauna or a fucking steam room at a gym. Because there's going to be two guys in there having a fucking sword fight.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
tallest man and all of that the longest fingernails all this stupid shit and then one of them was the world record for the the longest hiccups and this poor bastard had hiccups like he got him and then just had him for the rest of his life like decades this fucking guy had hiccups um and had the intestinal fortitude to not kill himself like i don't know it's at what point
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Or they just did and there's a fucking sign outside the thing and the place is temporarily closed. You cannot fucking believe how many fucking gyms... We were trying to find... And there would be like a sign where it would just say like... The steam room... The steam room is closed indefinitely due to ongoing inappropriate behavior.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And it's just like... For the fucking life of me... I don't understand why anybody... In any way, gay or straight would want to have fucking sex in a fucking steam room. The fungus, the athlete's foot, the planter's wart, the fucking shit that you can get off of that floor. You're taking your dick out? What?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Not only will I not go into a sauna without flip-flops on, I won't go in there unless they're mine. My flip-flops. I'm not even using the other ones because I don't trust that they fucking wash the other ones properly. So, I don't know. I just think I'm convinced that that's all just closeted married guys. You know what I mean? I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, what are you doing?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I don't know, like maybe some people get turned on with the idea of fucking in the rainforest. Is that what it is? And you just don't have the money to go down there with somebody or you don't want to deal with the wildlife, you know? Being in the middle of having sex with whatever the hell you're into and all of a sudden some jaguar jumps on your back or a fucking anaconda. I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I don't get it. But I really feel like if... Because other people are fucking having inappropriate... you know, behavior in the sauna that, like, everyone else who's not fucking in the sauna should get a discount. Because part of my... The fee for working out there is fucking... That you get... You know, you gave me the tour. You said there's a sauna and a dry sauna. You know?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You didn't say... If you could just fucking somehow navigate... Whatever the fucking appropriate behavior is going on in there, you can take a steam.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You know, is that part of the tour where you go like, all right, you know, if you don't want to see psychologically scarring behavior, try to come here during, is it better to come in during peak hours or because there's a lot of witnesses or non-peak hours? It's fucking out of control. I can't tell you that, but I'm going to tell you some fucking stories later. Anyway, what are you going to do?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
All right, well, that's the podcast. This is a few minutes short here. I got to go here, so I'm going to be late for work. Anyway, I want to thank Jimmy Page for putting together that podcast.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
becoming Led Zeppelin thing and I want to thank Paul McCartney for doing that small show I want to thank Josh Adam Myers for getting me a ticket it was unbelievable it was life changing I will never forget that concert it made me want to It made me feel great. I felt amazing. I was floating when I was coming out of there.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And the fact that Paul McCartney can still do that over 60 years into his career is really inspiring. And it's something I'm so happy I got a chance to experience. All right. That is the podcast. Listen to the music picked out by Andrew Themlis. And then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast coming out after this. MotoGP starts soon.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
So does F1. Baseball season's coming up. And basketball, what do we got? We got March Madness. Bill, we know what we got. I don't know. I get excited because everybody gets all sad when football's over. But there's still a lot of good shit out there. All right. That's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll check in on you on Monday.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
At what point your diaphragm is fucking feeling like, you know, your organs are doing sit-ups, right? You definitely got a nickname. You know? You know, Billy Jumpstart. It'd be something. Um...
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
What's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 13th, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How y'all, how you doing over there? Why is Friday the 13th unlucky and Monday the 13th? Oh, that's just fucking fine. You know, who's the pussy who came up with that one?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You think Monday the 13th, fuck, unlucky 13, and it's Monday, and I got five fucking days in front of me I have to work. Friday the 13th, who gives a shit?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Start bitching about the horrible day you had. You know, and she's a woman, so she'll listen to it. She'll kick into that motherly instinct unless she already has kids and then she doesn't have time for it. You know, then she looks at you and says, listen, I ain't sucking your dick, all right? So just get the fuck out of here. And then you move on to something younger. Isn't that how it goes? Why?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
What is so fucking unlucky? You know what? I didn't even know I was going to look this up now. Why is Friday the 13th unlucky? Hang on a second. Let me hit pause for a second. All right. Before I just looked it up. I didn't read any. I just got I just got to the Google thing where they got whatever it is on the first page. All right. Who's kidding? Who with the Internet?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Whatever the fact is, the fact is, whatever you look up within the first two fucking clicks on the first page becomes the truth. That's it. OK, so that's what the fuck I'm looking at. You know, if the right answer to any question. is fucking beyond what you have to scroll down on the first page of any subject of the internet. It's over.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
No one's ever going to know the truth because who the fuck ever goes to page 14? Not even journalists do that. They don't give a shit. All right, I'm going to say it either has to do with it's got to be religious. It's got to be religious. Jesus did something. He always had bad Fridays, didn't he? No, he had a Good Friday. Today's Good Friday. What happened on Good Friday? Did the rock roll back?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And he came walking out? You know, like one of those fucking movies where they thought they killed the guy and he didn't, and then he comes back? Except not like Tom Sawyer, fucking creep hanging out at his own funeral. I was done with that kid once he did that show. This kid's a fucking weirdo. All right, Friday the 13th. Why is it unlucky and other facts about the worst day in the calendar?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
In the calendar? Not on the calendar? We're in it? We're not in it? We're not on it? All right, Friday the 13th, considered by many as one of the unluckiest days of the year, is almost here again. This is from January 2017. Oh, shit, January 13th. Well, fuck, nothing happened to us if you're still alive.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
If you're worried about what's in store, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, what the fuck in 2017? Here's some of the fun facts. When is the next Friday the 13th? No, why? Stupid. All right, biblical origins. All right, of course, it always goes back to the Bible.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Typical do-it-yourself job. Why didn't you farm it out to someone who knew what the fuck they were doing? Built the thing up to code, you dope. Fucking sticking a steel beam in the middle of a fucking wood wall. Yeah, everything above it is supported better. What about below it, Dad?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
so i finally went to the doctor something german irish people do not do um but i was being smart and i went there and the lady told me what was up and got me some over-the-counter that i'm supposed to take for like a week and evidently i'll be all right so just laying off the coffee the balsamic vinaigrette uh no pasta You know, red sauce basically, right? That's acidic tomatoes.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
The superstition about this day is thought to have... I can't do this. It's thought to have come about... All right, that's enough of that. During the Middle Ages, and many have biblical origins, some historians have claimed it was the day on which Eve bit the apple from the tree of Nile. Oh, Jesus Christ. Holy, that just scared the shit out of me, Nia. The lovely Nia, everybody.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Oh, with my beautiful daughter. Two lovely ladies. What's going on?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
No, I was watching the videos that people sent me this week. What's going on? Are you going to drop her off?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I can't do the podcast the way I talk. That's why I was in here with the door closed. It's a pocket door, by the way, if you wonder why I just squeaked like we live in a haunted house.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Okay.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I hate tofu. Oh. It's got to be a real dead animal of vegetables.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I'm vegan as long as there's none of that tofu. I don't understand what that stuff is. That's like the type of shit that they seal caps with.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Yeah, so liquid doesn't leak out. It's not good for you.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
No.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Tofu doesn't come from a tree, does it? There's no tofu trees.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Yeah, but isn't soy bad for you?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I have no idea. Let me get your phone for you. I don't know. If you're going to order from a vegan place, just get me vegetables. Shit that I, you know, I know what it is. I don't know what tofu is. It's like fucking algae or something. All right, shuffles. Nia, do you know why Friday the 13th is unlucky? Why? I don't know either. I've been reading about it here.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
They try to say that Eve fucking maybe bit the apple. They were in paradise. There was no calendar. What did they have to worry about? There's no bills. They didn't have to go to work. You know? What did they do and fucking eat? Oh, shit, Monday. Same shit, different day. It's fucking paradise. Not a salad, though.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I also don't understand why, if it was paradise, why they had a fucking snake in there trying to fuck everything up. It was the devil. Yeah, but that's on God. It's the God and the devil, Archie. They're not too safe. God made everything. He also made the cunt of all cunts. Did he not?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
So the devil was basically a bad hire? Yes. That came back and tried to take his company down. Exactly. Okay, let me finish reading this. Okay, in the New Testament... I love how they blame the woman. That's why everything's all fucked up. I mean, without a doubt, if you told a broad to not go over there and eat the fucking apple, she's going to be intrigued. You know, like a guy wouldn't.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Whatever you do, that's the classic thing, like a substitute teacher. Whatever you do, don't laugh. Next person who laughs gets detention. That's it. You're done. You're fucking squeezing your nose, doing that fucking little kid laugh. That's it. Next thing you know, you're missing a week of recess. That's why you got all these fat fucking kids. The regular teacher takes the day off.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
The substitute teacher creates the tension. The one skinny kid starts laughing and then he's done. He's eating that fucking food down the cafeteria that's got all the preservatives in it. Do you know if you fucking kill somebody and nobody figures it out, you're not in the clear for a good 40 years. That's how they're digging people up from 12 years ago.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And then that's like they took a fucking nap. Hey, I tell you, these people, they're full of preservatives, you know? All right. In the New Testament, there were 13 people present for Jesus. Jesus's last supper on Maundy Thursday. Maundy, M-A-U-N-D-Y. Is that some other fucking day of the week they used to have? What do you mean the New Testament that wasn't in the Old Testament?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Oh, wait a minute. We fucked up. Thought there was 12, there's 13.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Oh, Good Friday. So he went out, he had a couple of beers, he had a good fucking time, and the next thing you know, he got the old right there, Fred. All right, more bad luck. On Friday, October 13th, 1307, Philip IV of France, shouldn't be, Philippe Lecat, arrested hundreds of the Knights Templar. Well, what the fuck? What did they do?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Eat some fucking root vegetables and see what the hell happened. But the last time I had heartburn like this was me and Verzi were doing a gig in New Orleans. And we had the gig on Friday at the casino. On Saturday, we went to the LSU Alabama game. in Death Valley. Then we hung around Sunday. And then on Monday, we went to Monday night, the New Orleans Saints versus the Philadelphia Eagles.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
In his novel Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown cites the 14th century execution. Oh, who gives a fuck? You know what I mean? You know something? It's just all bullshit. That's what it is. You always knew it was. I'm trying to think of anything bad that's ever happened to me on the 13th. Get bad luck today. fucking old ladies keeping that shit going. That's what it is.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Oh, by the way, um, really good friend of mine. And one of the fucking best comedians I've ever seen, Nick DiPaolo, the great Nick DiPaolo. He has a new standup special, a new one hour standup special. That's debuting, uh, this Thursday, um, February 16th at eight, 8 PM on CISO TV called inflammatory. Um, I don't get to watch him as much since I'm out here, but he is somebody.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Last time I worked with him was at Comics Come Home. Once again, legendary set, and that's it. He's just one of those fucking guys. He's the guy. He's the shit, and he's got a new special on CISO. Check it out. Thursday, February 16th at 8 p.m. It's called Inflammatory. And he also used to host a show with Artie Lang, and now he's doing his own podcast.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
To subscribe to his podcast, you can go to ConnectPal, C-O-N-N-E-C-T-Pal.com slash Nick. All right. There we go. So, you know what the fuck I did today? You know what my dumb ass did today? I started getting on the elliptical, which was a good thing. All right? I took my life insurance fucking test. This guy had a problem hitting my vein. He goes, you're going to bruise a little bit.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You should see me. I look like... I don't look like I've been doing smack. I just look like somebody just pinched my fucking inside of my elbow. Really fucking hard. Um... Anyway, so I did all that. What a shit show that was. Fucking guy sitting there going, do you drink at all? He's got his back to my bar, which I told you is murderer's row.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
The bottles I have there, I told you right now, I put it up against the 27 Yankees, the 96 Bulls. Let's go some underrated teams. The 83 76ers, somehow lost in history about how fucking great they were. Right? The 86 Celtics, the 85 Lakers.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
The 98 Yankees. That was a great team. Probably fucking free agent their way. I mean, speaking of which, the Red Sox are doing that this year. It's a good year to get the package. No matter what, you're going to be entertained. You either get to watch like a fucking $900 million team shit the bed or just, you know, there is no Santa Claus. We're buying it. One or the other.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Either way, it's going to be dramatic.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
so anyways I got a such a funny question how many drinks do you I don't fucking know do I have a pocket protector I don't count them I like you know they always you know what's funny they fucking say having a glass of wine with your meal is actually good for you you know what I mean so I mean I don't I don't understand that do you smoke yeah yeah a little bit it's fucking lying your ass off
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Oh, Jesus. Can you imagine if you can imagine anybody, even the fucking people who work there, if you answered any of those questions fucking honestly, you know what I mean? All right. Bruins. And I probably shouldn't be talking about this. Who gives a shit? There's a comedy podcast. These are all jokes, everybody. This is what I did today. My fucking dumb ass did today.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
So, you know, I'm going to be the person presenter at the Writers Guild. No, the the. Yeah, the Writers Guild Awards thing, right? And so they say it's a black tie thing. And I'm like, ah, fuck, I got to get a fucking tuxedo. So I call up. By the time I call up, it's too late to get one. So Nia Googles some pictures.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And everybody seems like relaxed, like they're just wearing suits with a black tie. So I say, fuck it, I'll wear one of my suits. So I pull out a suit. I get the shirt. We do the whole fucking thing. I got it to go and all that. So today I'm dressing up. You know, I'm hanging with my daughter. I'm putting my time in, you know, because I'm going to be gone for three, four hours.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And Nia's going to be handling it by herself. And I'm going to go out and go do this this fucking Hollywood thing. Right. And I'm sitting there and I know, you know, the red carpet and everything's between three or four. And I'm like, I can't I don't know when the fuck the car's coming to pick me up. I'm all dressed up, ready to go. You know, two o'clock, 205, 210, 215. I'm texting people.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I walk outside. I'm looking around. I don't see anybody. I'm just sitting there and it finally dawns on me. I'm like, wait a minute. And I just looked up the date of the fucking award show. It's next Sunday. Isn't that hilarious? You know what the funny thing about it is? Nia got mad at me. Why don't you write things down? Don't give us a... It's not... I didn't miss it.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I just was a little early and now I know, you know, I know that, you know, I know what I'm going to wear. Now I'm actually way ahead of the game because I fucked up. What do you want from me? Anyway, speaking of, this is something I got to let you guys know about. The Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit, the fifth annual... Patrice O'Neill comedy event benefit.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
We're actually going to be releasing some some tickets, some high quality tickets, I guess you say, some really good seats. And we're going to be doing that Monday today. If you listen to it on Monday. Jesus Christ, with the fucking opening of the door there.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
What is ridiculous? How am I trashing you?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Your Super Bowl champion, Philadelphia Eagles, who should have fucking won two of the last three. Think about that. They should have won two of the last three. That fucking hand on the small of that fucking dude's back, and they called that holding. And put the fucking Chiefs, I swear to God.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Why can't you say you're a grown-up?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Is that because you're a strong woman?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Yeah, that's like the first thing I've screwed up like that in a long time. I have a bunch of events in my phone, right in the calendar section.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
All right, but how am I doing as a dad?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
All right, well, stop acting like I'm shooting heroin in an alley.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
No.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Okay, you know why? Because that would prove my point.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
No, and you did get mad at me.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Well, then what's the problem? Why do you have to dramatically open our squeaky pocket door to come in here and insert yourself on the podcast?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
All right. Are you done?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
No, I've just started.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Well, people send me. Oh, no, I'm 17 minutes in.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Watch the Grammys.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Is there going to be a bunch of people writing new verses about how Trump's the most evil thing ever?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
pretty paint by numbers shock i guess so i don't know do you think she'll get some free press out of that i think she will was she wearing madonna's beret no she was not i'm going to a protest what should i wear uh no she's wearing a pro trump a pro trump dress is what i'm saying i know i know because that other shit is played out they're acting like the sky is falling so now they're gonna go the other direction yeah i know but i feel like that's not gonna be like good press for her
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Hey, Toots, any press is good press. That's how this dirty town works.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Okay. Or you could just put out a good album.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Okay, bye-bye. Okay, bye-bye. Anyways. All right. If you pull the door lower, it doesn't squeak as much. See, there you go. See that? You almost did it. You can watch the Grammys, Nia. Go ahead. Anyways. Oh, by the way, I'm going to fuck this up. The two fucking best channels right now, in my not humble opinion, People say in my humble opinion, like, you're a humble person. You're not.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You're injecting your fucking ideas most likely into a conversation that you just overheard. Or is that just me? In my opinion. I don't know when the humble came about. You know, hey, who am I? Who am I? Who are you? You're the fucking guy that is, you know, holding court right now with your opinions. There's nothing fucking humble about this. You're shining a spotlight on yourself.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You know, I'm actually in a good mood, too. Hang on a second. Let me fucking find this stuff. There's two fucking channels out there. Viceland is the shit. I already told you about that. And now what's his face? Puffy's has a new network. Puffy's, you cunt. Puffy's Network. They said Net Worth. Revolt is another great fucking channel. Both of those channels remind me of the early days of MTV. MTV.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
The early days of MTV was somewhere between, obviously, regular television and then just basic cable fucking lunatics, which I really miss. I remember I used to watch this guy, Damon Zex. I talked about this a long time ago on the Opie and Anthony show. He used to pretend he was running for office. Damon Zex. Zex. There it is. There it is. This guy was a fucking superstar.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
how's that for a teaser oh my god am i gonna hear some hiccups have i tuned into the fucking perfect podcast or what um evidently you can't have uh a couple cups of coffee and then balsamic vinaigrette two days in a row it's too i didn't know balsamic vinaigrette was acidic um And I didn't even know what the fuck was going on. And they just wouldn't stop.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I think it was Channel 8. There he is. I love this fucking guy. This isn't going to translate well. D-A-M-O-N-Z-E-X. And he used to do this thing where you pretend that he was running for office. this crazy makeup on and just saying all this fucked up shit. And me and Bobby Kelly were living together. When Stone Sober, we would just watch that guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Like late night after we did our spots, just ordered Chinese food and we'd just sit there watching the guy laughing our asses off and fucking getting freaked out. I don't know. But the early days of MTV was like that. And I haven't seen, you know, network television or basic cable be like that in a long time. And I got to tell you, those two fucking channels. Just great.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
A bunch of random shit in their original shows. I don't know. Puffy's channel is more like I just sat there watching it. And it was that guy. What the fuck's his name? Not Mike Jones.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
guy's really killer mike killer mike and i guess the guy he raps with is white i don't know anything about but they fucking just filmed them they just sat around talking about their albums one guy's smoking weed he has like a fucking coughing fit for like 30 seconds they don't even edit it out i don't know i was just sitting there and i'm like two hours into this thing going how the fuck am i still watching this but it was way more interesting than a lot i don't know i like it check it out if you if you like it you like it whatever what are you gonna do um
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Anyways, all right, let's talk about the world of sports, as I always do, as I eventually do, as I always make my way back to, the old bread and circus here. Bruce Cassidy, new coach of the Boston Bruins, former player. Came up with the Blackhawks in, like, the 80s and unfortunately had, like, three or four knee injuries. This is all I know about the guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And then he paid his fucking dues as a coach coming up. My favorite stop that he had on the way up, he coached for the Jacksonville Lizard Kings, which, you know, I'm throwing my vote in. That's one of the best fucking names for a minor league team, huh? The Lizard Kings? It's a reference to the Doors.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
They got a bunch of reptiles in Florida, and fucking Jim Morrison got arrested in Florida for allegedly taking his dick out, also known in some circles as your lizard. And who doesn't want to be a king? You know, you got the Sacramento Kings, you got the LA Kings, and you got the Jacksonville Lizard Kings. Anyways, he's undefeated so far.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You know, granted, you know, we were playing our best hockey, I felt, of the season when he took over. But this is a new guy, you know, I got to support there. What's his face? Pasternak with the fucking, with the game winner against the Vancouver Canucks after he made a very sketchy pass in the first period. He makes it up. It's fucking unbelievable.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And just show a highlight of throwing or picking up flags in these crucial moments. Did you ever know that you're my hero? By the way, I stand by Travis Kelsey's outfit. I stand by that 100 fucking percent. 100% I stand by that fucking outfit. That outfit was the shit. And I think it's stupid that they do this whole fashion thing or whatever. But, you know, I mean, that outfit just said cocaine.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Came down the fucking left side, slammed on the brakes, just like I do, and pick up hockey, except he actually stopped rather than continuing into the boards and hurting himself. And then fucking little whatever the fuck he did, and he put it in. It was fantastic. Oh, it was tremendous.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
But I got to tell you guys about the greatest sporting event I think I've been to since I went to the New England Patriots versus Los Angeles Rams when we won our first Super Bowl. And all I can tell you about Duke at Cameron Indoor Arena, it's like how loud the crowd was when Vinatieri kicked that field goal. It was that loud the whole fucking game. I've never been to anything like it.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And we sat in the low. We were sitting center court. I thought we were going to be behind the bench. Sorry about that. We were at center court. not on the student side, across from them in the lower area. And dude, I'll tell you, there's no fucking way to get out of there. There's no way to go to the bathroom. There's no way to fucking, there's nobody coming around to concessions. You are fucked.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You are in there and that is it. Old school fucking barn. You went in, it's so small. I guess it holds like 9,000 people, but you felt like you were in there with like 200 people. And we came in And it was already they were already shooting around before the game. And we finally got to our seats like you just don't think that your seats are even going to be there because everybody's so jammed in.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And we didn't sit down for the whole fucking game. I started sitting down during timeouts because I'm old. And I got to tell you, I've never I've never seen an atmosphere like that ever. This beats everything. I've been to the NCAA, the championship game. It was in the fucking Georgia Dome. So, I mean, that's a shitty place to watch a basketball game.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Even if people are going nuts, it just floats up to the top of the dome and you don't even hear it. I don't even know where to begin. And then it was an unbelievable game, just back and forth, back and forth. When it looked like UNC was going to pull away, Duke would come back. Then it looked like Duke was going to have the game on ice, and then UNC would come back. Somebody hit a three.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Someone else would hit a fucking three. It was unbelievable, and I was very impressed with both teams. I liked that kid on UNC, number 44.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
he doesn't rattle, he doesn't fucking act like he changed the game of basketball when he hits a shot, all he gave a fuck about was winning, he hit some big three-pointer, and then they immediately called timeout, rather than thumping his own chest and acting like he's in Braveheart, he came back to the bench, high-five, but you see, he was pissed because they just let up an easy bucket before he hit his three, and, um,
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I don't know shit about anything, but if I was a scout, I would pay attention to that just as much as somebody actually doing great things out on the court. It was insane, dude. Fucking Coach K coming out. It reminded me when I went to the Kings game when they wrapped it up one time to win a Stanley Cup, and I saw them bring the Stanley Cup out.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
It was like that, except it could walk around talking. So I want to thank Mike Hall at the Comedy Zone in Charlotte for two awesome shows. And thank you so much for getting us in touch with the person that hooked us up with the tickets. Me, Verzi, and Bartnick were all sitting there going, I think that might have been the greatest sporting event I went to.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Obviously, seeing the Patriots win the Super Bowl was bigger. But... the level of excitement. Like I, I just never been, never been to anything like that. And, uh, if you ever get a fucking chance, um, that is definitely one worth stub hubbing. Um, Oh, the college give fucking the students were crazy and they had all these funny chance.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And I'm sure everybody's going to say, Oh, they stole this from you. They stole this from this guy and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't fucking know, but it was making me laugh. You know, when they went introducing the UNC players, uh, I'll just use my name. They just say, yeah, playing fucking point guard number fucking zero, Bill Burr.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And then the whole student section just goes, hi, Bill, you suck. And they just did it through the whole thing. It was childish. It was fucking hilarious. They started chanting. I couldn't tell what they were chanting. And then I gradually figured it out. It was crazy towel guy. I was like, crazy. What the fuck are they saying? Crazy what? And people start turning around, looking at us.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And then I realize they're looking beyond us. And we look up and all of a sudden this fucking old guy gets up, starts whipping this towel around his head, this old fucking lunatic. I'm like, oh, I guess that's, I guess that's the crazy towel guy. Right? So it's going back and forth, back and forth, all these crazy chants. You let your whole team down, all of this shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
The next thing you know, it's like halftime. We're sitting there going like, dude, what the fuck was that? That was 20 minutes of basketball. That felt like a minute. My ears were ringing like I'd gone to a concert, and there was still another half to play.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Then all of a sudden, this Asian lady comes out, this Asian lady coming out on like a fucking three-story unicycle, and she's doing that act where you flip the saucer onto your head, which I had seen before. I've seen the act done before. I've never seen it live, but it was fucking hilarious. Verzi and Bartnick had never seen that. Not saying I wasn't blown away. I was definitely blown away.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
So she goes to flip it on her head. Now, first of all, when you stop on a unicycle, you can't just stop. You got to do that front, back, front, back, front, back. Now she's doing that with one foot on the fucking pedal. She's got a goddamn soup bowl on the end of her feet, on her toes. The end of your feet. A lot of people know it as your toes, right? So everybody's sitting there, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
She fucking flips it. It does like a triple Lindy and lands on the top of her head.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
So then she fucking, with the thing still on her fucking head, the little soup kitchen cup there, right? She rides down to the other corner of the basketball court. Now she puts two down. Now Virgie starts going, no way. No fucking way. No fucking way. Right there, Fred. It fucking lands. Whole crowd. Oh, shit. Then she goes to do three.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
So she's got one upright, the other's upside down, the other's upright, just going like right up her fucking shin. And she fucking landed that and Verzi stood up. You ever see when black people go to church and what they call it, catching the Holy Ghost? That's what looked like happened to Paul Verzi. Everybody was sitting down. Verzi stood up and applauded. I'm fucking dying laughing.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I mean, you know, I like when people steer into it rather than go away. Don't fucking show up trying to be wholesome. Show me how filthy the world is. All right? Show me how there's two sets, if not three sets of rules out there. Show me. I don't want to fucking come up there like you're going to do the Lawrence Welk show, huh? Nice reference there. 50 years old. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
She goes to four balls. Everybody's like, no shit. Four balls go in the air. Land right on her head.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
It's all the way up to her knee. Okay. Oh, I forgot to tell you this. This guy's like flipping the bowls. So he flipped one to her. And he fucking threw it too short and she dropped it. And I was going, ah, fuck, he just jinxed her. He just fucked with the rhythm. It's like calling a timeout to ice the kicker. So she's got five, flips him up in the fucking air. One, two, three, four.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And the fifth one bounced off her head. Everybody's like, ah, ah, geez, there is no Santa Claus, right? You know what she said? She said, fuck that, set them up again. Right? Teaching these kids, these fucking millennials, or whatever the fuck you call these kids nowadays, these kids who grew up with knee pads, elbow pads, and helmets when they rode bicycles. They had playdates.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
They weren't left alone in the company of adults that no one really knew who they were. These kids were sheltered. They don't know how to make a comeback.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Well, let me tell you something. This lady on this one fucking tired bicycle, she showed them how, because she said, hey, fuckhead, I don't give a shit that you throw me five more. She set them up again, right? Flipped them in the air, landed all five. Fucking place goes nuts. Just as loud as the goddamn... Almost as loud as the fucking game. There was no break.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
There was no break in the excitement. That fucking ends. We're looking going, what the fuck did we just see? And out comes Coach K, fucking Duke and UNC. And it gets loud again. More chanting, more singing, more fucking screaming. Came all the way down. Duke finally put the game away with like a fucking minute left with a couple of foul shots.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And I just sat there in the last few seconds when I knew that Duke was going to win. And I just looked around, looked at everything I could look at, tried to make as enough mental pictures as I could to take it in. Because I knew I was just like, I don't know if I'll ever get back to seeing one of these again. But... I don't know. If that didn't sell you, you've got to do it.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Dude, fuck Madison Square Garden. It's a mecca. Fuck that place. You can go down there and see the fucking ice capades. Save your money. Go on StubHub. All right? Go on StubHub and just get yourself some tickets and go there. You will not be disappointed. And you've got to go while Coach K is still there, who, by the way, I believe tomorrow, the 13th, is his 70th birthday.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
How great does that guy look? Fucking guy looks like he's like maybe a year younger, two years older than me. I don't know. Who would have thought with a job that stressful, you could still look that good, you know? Anyways, let me read a little bit of advertising. All right. And with that, you know, this thing is just really not responding the way it used to. Is it time for a new laptop?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
All right. Do we have anything else? Hey, what is all this attacking on fake news lately? I don't understand it. Why is the government getting so mad at fake news? It's so fucking hilarious watching them getting upset about that. Hey, don't read their fake news. Read our fake news. Read our version of the fucking... It's all fake fucking news. Have you ever gotten into a car accident?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Little fender bender and the cop shows up. Are you a police officer? Have you ever heard two people tell you the exact same story?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Never happens. It's all fake news. It's all opinions, right? for the most part, other than, you know, if somebody dies. This guy is fucking dead, okay? You can agree on that. How he died, why he died, who's responsible. Oh, Jesus Christ, Bill, we get it. Okay, that's all I'm saying. That's all I'm really saying here. All right, let's get to the content here. Let's read some of your letters here.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
All right, Yoko Ono makes Julian Lennon buy letters he wrote to his dad at auction. All right, Bill, is there a worse woman in history? I hate to be hacky. I know the Beatles' days were numbered. It wasn't just her, but it didn't help. Yeah, but at the end of the day, John chose her. This is what happened. Something happened between John and his mom.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I had one of the most incredible fucking weeks. I don't know where to start. Um, as far as just like going out and seeing shit, I went out and I saw that becoming Led Zeppelin movie where if you're a John Bonham fanatic, like I am, um, there's very, very, very, very little. There's like one black and white video that has him talking. I think it's him and Robert Plant early in their career.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
She died or she fucking, I don't know, she beat him with a wooden spoon. I forget how the fucking story went. All right, but whatever she did, or if she died, it's not her fault. It left him... With the psychological makeup to be susceptible to not trying to just find a mate. He also wanted a mom. And all she had to do was make some cookies. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Make him some cookies on his fucking birthday, whatever the fuck he wanted. And then that was it. This guy was done. You know, I think he would, you know, if he lived somewhere in his mid 40s, he just would have been like, all right, you know what? What the fuck was that? Maybe he liked it. I have no idea. But anyways, let's continue.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
He said, then there's the video where you call her out for screeching like a maniac during a powerful moment in history. Now she won't give her husband's son some paper he gave his dad 20 years earlier. This story might be a bit old, but it doesn't seem to make, but it doesn't make it any less true. I watched the clip. What it is was she auctioned off a bunch of his shit. is what it is.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
She's not making him pay for it. She sold it. And Julian wants to get it back. But because Yoko sold it, he has to buy it back. Now, in defense of her, what I would say is the cash cow died. It's not like Yoko could go out and fucking sell... Take records like a Beatle. So all of a sudden she's going like, holy fuck. How am I still going to be able to live in the Dakota?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
So she starts selling all his shit. Or maybe her husband died and she wanted to fucking move on. And didn't want to look at all his old shit. You know what I mean? I have no idea. But yeah. I watched a little of that video. Julian definitely goes hard on her and says that... He thinks she's extremely manipulative and that she knew what the fuck she was doing from day one.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And I can't remember if that's actually his mother. I don't know. How is he related? Who the fuck knows? I don't know. Is there a worse woman in history? Yeah, there's way worse women. There's women that ran empires and had people killed, you know. For whatever fucking reason, you know, the the the story of Scarface, the second one, the one that Pacino did was based.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
On a you know, there was the original movie, but the stories that they used in the second one were based on. A drug dealer of that time who actually was a woman. So, I mean, yeah, I would say she was worse. You know, having people shot in the fucking street is probably worse than selling some postcards. But, you know, it's all up to interpretation. You know? This is the new me.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
The new meditating Bill. The more relaxed Bill. Who's undoing the fucking knots of anxiety in his mind. I cannot say enough about fucking meditating. Um... Now that I'm not trying to get good at it, I'm just trying to do it, I don't flip out to the level I used to. Say 10 is the worst flipping out. I think I used to walk around. Just walk around on a good day.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I was already at a 6 compared to how most people are when they're just totally chilling out. So it was a very quick and easy trip. Now I feel like I walk around at like a three. I feel like I've cut it in half. So now when I flip out, I kind of just go to six, which is still totally unacceptable for most social situations.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I still flip out and people look over their shoulders startled, but not with the level of what the fuck. You know what I mean? Reminds me of this time I saw... I was on like Highway 8 or something. Interstate 8. I think I was in Arizona or New Mexico. I don't know where the fuck I was at. And this bull had somehow gotten free. I mean, I was in the middle of fucking nowhere.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And there was two cowboys, right, on horses. And these are cowboys. They're trying to fucking rope a goddamn bull, which I don't even know if you can do. I don't know what the fuck they were doing. So one of them's trying to distract the bull. is the other one, is on a horse that is sneaking up behind it. And the horse is sneaking up the way horses sneak up in a fucking cartoon.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And this bull at the last second figured it out and he fucking turned around. You know that look Bruce Willis always does when he looks over his shoulder and die hard? It's the same thing except it was a fucking bull. That's the look that people, when I would lose my shit prior to meditating, I would get that look. Everyone would fucking turn around like, you know,
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And he just didn't want to do it. Um, You know, the press used to rip them to shreds and everything. So I think he was just like, I don't give a fuck. Fuck these guys. Right. I don't need them. We're selling out arenas. You know, that's it. Right. So there's a bunch of new stuff in there because they found some.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
A skyscraper was on fire, and it was just some fucking balding redhead flipping out because he couldn't figure out the new operating system on his smartphone. Completely unacceptable. So my temper has really reduced, and I'm telling you, if I can just not fucking do it. I just made this statement out loud. It's like my daughter's not going to see me flip it out.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You know, I'm not saying I won't every way. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. When she's fucking drawn on the wall at some point. But she's not going to see me yelling at computers. It's just not going to happen. OK, and I say it out loud when I say it out loud. That means it happens. Right. I hope so. Anyways, I'm trying. Fuck you guys. I'm trying. Anytime I talk about this to him, I stand up back.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Then I'm going to try to fix my temper. People just start laughing. They laugh and they point. They make me feel bad. All right. Italy and the European Union. Hey there, Capitol Hill Bill.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill. And, okay, I'm a political science professor from a school I won't name to keep with your policy of not naming names. Having studied and taught the subject, it's fair to say I look at what goes on today from a much wider scope. Wider scope than who? Me? I would hope so. I would hope so wider than me.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
All right, and that's not something that is only exclusive to receiving a master's in political science. Could you pat yourself on the back anymore, sir? Did your elbow patch fly off your fucking left arm of your sport coat when you reached back to... I love this guy, and that's not only something that is only exclusive to receiving a master's in political science.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
This guy should be wearing a scarf with a nice breeze going. Anyone can read Solzhenitsyn. Thank you for fucking sound spelling that for me. And others who have honestly captured an important perspective of history and have a much clearer understanding of how and why governments and socialites have evolved through history. Anyways, there is one thing that has flown under the radar.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Now that I've gotten my resume out of the way, there's one thing that has flown under the radar, and I think it should scare the shit out of most European countries. All right, let me start by saying in short that the European Union, parentheses, which in my opinion is run by fascists with self-interest.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Can I just stop here and say this is the most well-written fucking email I've ever received on the podcast. This is incredible. Let me start by saying in short that the European Union, which in my opinion is run by fascists with self-interest, tried to take control of Italy's army. For the sake of your time, I will spoil the ending. Italy did not vote to allow the EU to take over.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
That move by the EU alarmed some of my peers who I, in 20 plus years of knowing them, have not seen them alarmed by anything in terms of government. In the scheme of things, a banking institution openly financing legislation that is trying to gain control of a foreign government's military is, for the lack of a better term, really, really ballsy. Why do I feel like I missed some information here?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Okay, so the European Union tried to take over Italy's army. Okay, I see that. Italy did not vote to allow the EU to take over. So when you join the European Union, they take over your army. Is that what you're saying? Okay, so that move by the EU alarmed some of my peers. What move? Oh, trying to take over the... Okay, you're jumping back and forth here. I can't tell what you're talking about.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Okay, take control of Italy's army. So them trying to take control of their army. Yeah, how would you do that? OK, the idea that let me just finish this. The idea that certain globalist groups are trying to take control of the world is not an incredible idea among people who are versed in political economics or conspiracy theorists like myself. But you know something?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
interview that he did just the audio of it and i'm telling you just to hear his voice just to hear him talking to hear him laughing to know what his laugh sounds like um And there's a laugh on the second side of the Physical Graffiti album. And now, after all these years, I always wondered who it was. And I'm like, oh my God, that's Bonham's laugh. And they have pictures of him when he was a kid.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Me, they just go, oh, what do you got your fucking tan hat on? And you, if you just started saying what the fuck you just said, you'd probably run into the same problem. I just said it was the best written email ever, and I got lost in it because I'm too fucking stupid to understand what you're talking about. So it's got to be hard, man.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You just got to hang out with people with the fucking elbow patches on their sport coats, right? Anyways, the idea that certain globalist groups are trying to take control of the world is not an incredible idea among people who are versed in political economics. I've heard you talk about stuff like this in the context of a conspiracy.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And so other than this possibly possibly being interesting to you, it's also to it's also affirm that you are not out of your mind. I attached an article if you'd like to read further. I absolutely would. Look at this. How about that, everybody? All you cunts saying I got a tin hat on. Tin foil hat on. Whatever the fuck that means. Half of you say that, you don't even know what it means.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You got your tin foil hat on? You know, I don't even know what the fuck it means. Is that like my antenna if I'm doing some sort of pirate radio? Tin foil hat. Meaning, I know what it means. It means you're out of your fucking mind, but how did it come about? A tinfoil hat is made from one or more sheets of aluminum foil.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I didn't want the exact... Or a piece of conventional headgear lined with foil, worn in the belief or hope that it shields the brain from threats such as electromagnetic fields, mind control, and mind... Oh, I see. I see. Well, you know, that's some MacGyver shit. I can go with that, right? Is that a bad thing? Anyways, well, where the fuck was I?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I've attached, I would actually, how long is this though? Is this something I can read? You know, I'll read about this and I'll give you my uninformed opinion. My moronic opinion on the next podcast. How about that? Does that work for you? Does that grab you? All right, fat guys turns out to not be fat. Billy Twinklebows. This guy was told by a doctor his whole life that he was fat.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
He had this huge frontal thing going on that turned out to not be a giant belly, but a 130-pound tumor. How many people do you know will start using the tumor defense? I actually looked this fucking thing up. The guy is fat. He's very fat, even after the fucking tumor. I mean, like... He's laying in bed, and it's like he has an inner tube of fat going around. That's what his neck is.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
This guy is so fucking fat, he had a 130-pound tumor, and he just thought it was part of his love handle. He is fat. I'm glad they got it out of there. How do you get that out of there? 130 pounds. How the fuck do you? I mean, you got to take it out in sections. Ten pounds at a time. You need to make 13 fucking incisions. Jesus Christ. And just throwing it over your shoulder.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Hitting the ground like a fucking bowling ball. Jesus Christ. Do you know I knew a guy that... You know everybody's talking about probiotics. And they talk about the bacteria in your gut that will... There's bacteria in your gut that's supposed to be there. They try to scare the shit out of you, but it's supposed to be there.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
It's there for when you die, and it begins the decomposing process, provided you're not full of fucking preservatives. And you just decompose because you're not important, and you just become part of the earth again. But we stick ourselves in these fancy fucking boxes because we think we're too good to be worm food for whatever fucking reason. But anyways, alcohol...
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
eats away at the good shit, the good bacteria that you need while you're alive. Like you're supposed to be balanced, and you're supposed to have more of the good bacteria, because if you have more of the bad bacteria, you can actually, in your own fucking way, you're beginning to decompose while you're still alive. Or in a short way, you're starting to die.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
This is the way this guy explained it to me. So he started getting a distended belly. They didn't know what the fuck was going on, and he wouldn't go to the doctor. And then finally he found out, you know, somebody said, maybe he got a tapeworm, and that freaked him the fuck out. There could have been something alive in him.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And he went to the doctor and then they found out that that's what it was. And they gave him some medicine. And he had to shit it all out. That's basically what happened. So, I don't know. Even then, I always buy the Greek yogurt and it goes bad. I always think like, you know, I'll slam a couple of scotches and the next morning I'll have two spoonfuls of fucking Greek yogurt and I'll be fine.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I was happy in the life insurance. They said I had a nice fucking easy, you know, heart rhythm. I was also meditating when they did it. You know, I was being totally present. I was listening to the sounds of the room. I slowed my breathing. I tricked those fuckers. But I also had the Bruins game on in the background.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
He was kind of like a fat kid when he was growing up. So it kind of made sense when he got older. That he kind of was going in that direction again. Now, had people known about addiction and alcoholism and all of that, they could have had like an intervention. People just did not help people. They could have got to the root of the problem that, you know.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
So I was trying not to react to what the fuck was going on because we left this fucking cunty goal at the end of the second period with like one second left. All right. Crazy Saddam story.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
All right. Hey, Bill, thought I'd brighten your day with this crazy account of what went down in Iraq when Saddam took power. Basically, they gathered all government officials in one room. The current military leader gets brought out on stage. He's clearly been beaten. He admits to having committed treason, but clearly he hasn't.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
They then start calling out officials one at a time so everyone was scared shitless that they'd be called out and marched out into a courtyard with the others. Then after half of them were gone, the remaining officials were all taken out to the courtyard and told that if they didn't shoot the traitors, they and their families would be killed immediately.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
That way, they all had blood on their hands. Insane. Here's the whole account. And to think the U.S. still did business with Saddam with them after that. Ha, ha, ha. Dude, as far as I know, we kind of put that guy in over there. You know? And we were cool with the guy until he fucking tried to go around us and start selling oil to other... I don't know what the fuck he did. We, you know...
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You know what I mean? Saddam Hussein to the United States, he was like one of those fucking first-round draft choices that's a bust. He was a bust for us, you know? He had a very promising college career. And, you know, he just didn't have the passion. Actually, he was a very passionate guy. He just wasn't passionate in the wrong... I don't know. Who the fuck knows? I mean, it's all evil shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
That shit is just like... The most base-level evil, because they're not even trying to hide it. But I got to tell you, when Trump was talking to that fucking guy there from Fox News, Bill O'Reilly, and Bill O'Reilly's giving him shit that he was friends with Putin, or whatever the fuck his name is, and he goes, the guy's a killer.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
To have a fucking standing president go, well, look at this country. Well, look what we've done. My jaw hit the fucking ground. I'm like, is he actually going to say this? You can't say this. Everybody knows it's true, but you can't fucking say this.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
The fuck out of here. It's all fucking evil. And that goes back to that fake news. That's why they need to take control of the fake news so they can spin it.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
He came out of fucking nowhere. Everybody does it. Everybody does it. You know what? And I fucking do it, too. We're all spinning it. We're all spinning our own horse shit. I'm not going to speak for you guys, but I'm spinning my own bullshit. This is my favorite video anybody's sent me in a long fucking time. Oh, by the way, if you want to watch that Saddam thing, I'll post all these videos.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I don't know if I want to watch it. That stuff, I don't know. I don't like watching shit like that. All right, 109-year-old guy smokes cigars and drinks whiskey. Dear Farm State Bill, I know you have a life insurance policy test, but I thought you might want to see this. This 109-year-old guy smokes cigars all day, not saying it's great for everyone, but figured you'd want to hear.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
The title actually marginalized this guy's life. He's got a great attitude. He still drives. He's the oldest living World War II veteran. You'd really enjoy this. He talks about having a truck for a long time and they show his old school TV with the giant dials. He keeps it all because it works and he likes it. Come to Boston. I fucking love this guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
He said at one point he smokes 12 cigars a day. He goes, I don't inhale. So you inhale. He goes, you get in trouble. The bottom line is, you know, whatever his genetics are, this works for him because I know if I smoke 12 a day. First of all, I couldn't physically fucking do it. But he had like a 79, looked like a 78 or a 79 Ford pickup truck.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
He had an old square TV that still had the legs on it from like the 70s. He built his house in like 1940. He still lives there. He said, I like the shit that I have. It still works, so I'm not buying more shit. It's like what I'm trying to do now. Get rid of all this extra shit that I bought. And... I got to tell you, watching this guy, watching his life is the life that I'm slowly moving towards.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
It's the life that I want. After running around like a fucking lunatic, reacting to everything for the first fucking, you know, 40 something years of my life. You know, I would like to slow down a little bit.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
he was a great dad and he missed his family and he'd get sad and he would drink. Like that's basically what it was. And as far as what, look, obviously I don't know the real answer, but like, I feel like that's what happened on that night when he, what did they say? Yeah. Death by misadventure. When he drank too much, got sick in his sleep and asphyxiated. I just think the,
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
as far as being, I mean, look, I'm still, I know all you guys are worried, like, oh, God, he's gonna slow down, he's not gonna be fucking, I'm still gonna completely fuck up, I'm still gonna do dumb shit, I'm gonna be fine, but I don't have to be walking around, I basically walked around stuck in fight or flight mode, probably from the age of eight till now, and, um, I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
It's a stupid, it's not, it's funny to observe, but it really wears on the people around you. And eventually it fucking wears you down. And it's just like the amount of fucking time that I have wasted arguing with people where they're not going to change their mind. I'm not going to change my mind. I've just, I I've, uh, I'm done. I'm past that point in my fucking life and it feels fucking great.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I just have to believe that I am. Um, I'm trying to do now when I flip up, because I know there's other angry cunts that listen to this, and you listen to this because I'm an angry cunt too, and it probably makes you feel better about yourself. Which is why I love Bobby Knight. You watch Bobby Knight, and you're like, oh my God, I'm a fucking saint. This guy. Now this guy's got a temper.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I'm telling you right now, if your wife ever gives you shit for having a temper, it's like, you think I got a temper? You could be married to that. And I love Bobby Knight, by the way. So anyways... I just now, like, I don't know, I try to, in the moment, I just try to fucking... Like, there's this funny thing that happens, like, when my daughter, you know, needs her diaper changed.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
It's like, you know, you hear them farting and everything, so you're thinking, like, okay, that's definitely, you know, and you... Without getting into the gross details... Just think, you hear the fart, and you think that's the gun sounding the end of the game. And then once you get into it, you realize that wasn't the gun sounding the end of the game or even the end of the half.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
That was the sound of the fucking jets flying over the game, over the stadium, right after the fucking national anthem, and the game's about ready to begin. I had a left pad save yesterday. Blocker. Cheese blocker.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
saved my wall took it all on my shirt and all that it's just like it's fucking unbelievable and whenever that happens like a couple times i went like nia she why'd you tell me to come in she's still going like she could tell like there's any way for my wife to know whether my daughter is done Go into the bathroom or not. She's got no fucking idea. And I apologized.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And I just addressed that I was angry. And I did it two more fucking times. And now I got it down. Now I just say something as I walk up to the changing table at 3 or 4 in the morning. And I just basically say, if she's not done, this is not anybody's fault. This is just part of having a kid. Don't flip out. And I'll see how that works for me tonight. That's just basic. I just...
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Before, I just kept it all in my head. And then it becomes like it isn't. It's sort of real, but isn't. I just find when I say it out loud, then I can fucking address it. And so we'll see that. But I got to tell you, I actually fucking really enjoy changing diapers and everything. We gave my daughter her first bath ever right in the kitchen sink, old school style.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I'm sure we're supposed to have a fucking hazmat suit team come in and disinfect the sink, and she's supposed to wear a helmet and some scuba gear, but that's not how we're bringing her up. We're going old school. I've been playing music for her and everything. I've got this exercise ball. It really just kind of puts her to sleep, and I just play music, and she just totally chills out.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
The stuff that she's enjoyed so far, she likes Herbie Hancock. I was playing some Billy Cobham, some of this shit I'd just been listening to. What else has she been listening to? Some of the pop stuff she really likes. I think they just like music in general. They're just kind of like, what is that? And I don't know. It's getting to that point.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
She's just starting to be able to look around and you kind of sit there going like, I think she's actually looking at me right now. Then as you make eye contact like, hey, are you fucking looking at me? Her eyes just kind of drift away and look at something else. I'm like, I guess I'm still like an acid trip when she looks at me. But anyways, we're having a great time.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Thought of going back out on the road again. And being away from his family. Because there's pictures there. And a couple little video things of him. With his son. And. I don't know. I could always tell like a good dad. Because, you know, the kids are really physical with him, like crawling all over him. And they're like sort of like fake wrestling him with them and stuff like that.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And even though I'm not getting any sleep, it's totally fucking worth it. And it's it's. I'll tell you, if you're an older dad, it's not as fucking hard. They try to say, oh my God, you're old and going to try to do this? It's like, yeah, I'm old and I have a house. You know, I'm not some fucking struggling 20-something. You know what I mean?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Fucking broke kid trying to pay off student loans and then you have a kid. People in their 20s, if they complain about having a kid, I, yeah, without a doubt, I'll listen to that. But if you're in your 30s and 40s, yeah, go fuck yourself. All right, that's it. Okay, that's the podcast for Monday. Once again, please check out Nick DiPaolo's special on CISO this Thursday at 8 p.m.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
I'm telling you, he's one of the best of his generation and one of the best of the last fucking whatever, whatever the fuck he started 30 years ago. One of my favorites, and it's an honor to be able to plug his special. All right, so check it out, you cunts. I'll check in on you on Thursday.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
To me, that's always that shows me that the dad is involved. That, you know, the kids crawling all over you and stuff like that. That means you're doing the dad thing. You're getting down on the floor with them. You know what I mean? You're recreating WrestleMania style. You're coming up with, you know, chasing them around and all of that stuff.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
So it was really, really cool to see that part of them. And then also to hear these guys talking about his playing and some of the footage and stuff. It's really fucking cool. Anyway, so I saw that Tuesday night. And then last night, out of nowhere...
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
my buddy uh josh adam myers goes dude paul mccartney is playing the bowery ballroom it's like a 600 seater do you want to go and i'd never seen him and i'm like it's a beetle i gotta fucking go so we end up going down there and it was sort of a last second show and you couldn't get tickets online you had to go down there and physically buy them
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
To the point I was at rehearsal doing my shit with the hiccups. I did interviews with the hiccups to promote my shit that I was doing with the hiccups. I was waking up in the middle of the night with the hiccups. I feel like I'm going to get the hiccups again right now. So I have to drink some fucking water.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And I don't think a lot of people heard about it or whatever, but like... It was like... It was full, but it wasn't like jammed. Maybe they listened to the fire code. So we were standing on the floor down below, but it wasn't like suffocating, you know? And... He comes out with this killer band. You know, finally got to see Abe on drums, who's just a killer fucking drummer. And...
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Having so much fun. And they came out. It's Paul McCartney. And I'm standing like... I couldn't have been more than 40, 50 feet away from him. You know? Like if it was a regular giant arena, I would have been like 10th row. It was crazy. And he just comes out. And just, boom, goes right in. Can't buy me love. And it was just like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's singing a Beatles.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
A Beatle is singing a Beatles song to me 50 feet away from me. And every song sounded great. Like, even the stuff I wasn't familiar with, his newer stuff or whatever, he played. Let's see. Okay, let's go through the Beatles stuff he played. Can't buy me love. Baby, you can drop my cup. People went fucking nuts.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And there's all these young people there and they were like jumping up and down and stuff, like going crazy. It was incredible. He played Blackbird. Oh my God, I'm going blank. Let It Be, Hey Jude. And then he came out and he played that whole medley.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
um like boy you're gonna carry that weight and then are you gonna be in my dreams tonight then a played the drum solo they went into that and then closed with the final part and in the end and then he played some like paul mccartney and wings um um I got to get you into my life. It was unbelievable. And he sounded incredible. He sounded incredible.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
And then beyond that, he was hilarious in between songs. Like, just going back and forth with the crowd. Really, really, really funny. But I am so... like thankful that I got to see him. And then also just to somebody, you know, who goes on stage too, to see a guy 82 years old with that amount of energy, still killing it that hard and having that much fun is, uh, It's just a great thing to see.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
You know what I mean? You don't want to go there and fucking see somebody up there because they got fucking tax problems and shit and just, you know. I don't know. Like, we've all been to those shows where you go to, like, I always said that. You go to see an older entertainer, one of two things is going to happen. You're really going to be thinking about your own mortality.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Some of them make you think about dying, and the others make, you know, a very rare few make you feel about going out and living. And Paul McCartney, thank God, made me want to go out and live. Uh-oh, here come the hiccups.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
ah fuck here we go starting i was hoping i could get through this whole thing but you know what they're not as bad as they were so i don't think i'm gonna be setting any sort of guinness book of world record thing anyway so anyway yeah um oh and then like you know up on the uh the balcony there was all these famous people that that had come in to go check them out and you know musicians and and um
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
To try to keep this shit down... I had to go to the doctor... The whole fucking thing... And I started thinking about it... I remember when I was a kid... When I was just a lad... One of the most amazing books... When I was a kid... Was the Guinness Book of World Records... And you'd always look for the fattest guy... You know... Then they had the fat twins... On the mini bikes...
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
comedians saw an nfl owner up there i don't want to fucking rat anybody i don't like saying names or whatever but like um actors actresses or whatever i still don't understand why you can't say actress like why is actress offensive you know what i mean you're one of the you're a you're a fucking incredible actress the fuck did you say You know, I don't... There's a couple I never understood.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Actress is offensive. Stewardess is offensive. And then they come with flight attendant. Stewardess sounds more like mysterious. Like, I don't know what... Flight attendant? They're just saying what you're doing? You're attending the flight? We know what you're doing. Why are you so ashamed of it? Little people? Is that better?
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Let's see if I can... I don't know. Off the top of my head, I probably can't do better. Little people... uh second string no that's still insulting uh um i don't know maybe that's tough um anyway i would well listen if they were the ones who actually came up with it You know, they had like a meeting. You know what I mean? They had a little meeting. Sorry. It's just easy jokes.
Monday Morning Podcast
'Becoming Led Zeppelin', Paul McCartney, Steam Rooms | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-25
Anyway, plowing ahead. So I got to see those two things. And then I saw highlights of the Super Bowl. Jesus Christ. That was a mugging. Anyway. Anyway. At some point, I'm going to watch that. I'm sure the NFL Network is going to have it on or I'll be able to watch it. It's going to be great. Somebody's going to post it without the fucking commercials, which will be fantastic. And I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I'm in New York City. It is raining cats and dogs. Which is something I'm not used to. I haven't been in a long time just to have a nice rain like this for the hell of it. You know, you forget after a while. You live out in Los Angeles.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Although, you know what's funny is I keep getting shit on my Instagram of Jackie Stewart telling stories. guy is such amazing goddamn stories that guy drove when people fucking died people fucking died in that goddamn sport back when that guy drove jesus christ they used to drive these race cars they look like that shit the the kids would make in uh remember cub scouts is that still legal
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
which is what you want. So when you show up to work, people go, you got on fucking rain jacket pants, man. That's when you fucking rip them off right in front of them. Like you're going in to drop 40 on the fucking Knicks. You fucking rip them off. And then all that fucking rainwater goes all over. You want to talk about my pants? What do you think about my pants now? Look at you.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Was there enough kids that got molested? Well, I guess the Catholic Church is still legal. If that's still legal, you still have to have scouting, right? Jesus fucking Christ. I'll tell you, it was a wild time when I was growing up, man. There was just creepers. The church, scouting, paper route.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
uh martial arts little league baseball pop one or football i mean they were just they were behind the tree in the park you know it's funny because sometimes i think like because of social media and all of this shit out there that like it's so like it's almost like kind of like the amount of people that are now like
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
smoking weed or eating gummies or anything like that it's off the fucking chain now because it's legal before it was legal I mean you had to have a guy you had to know somebody sometimes it wasn't consistent or whatever so it was a fucking pain in the ass and now it's legal everybody fucking does it so I kind of thought like you know pedophiles and all that I felt like there was it feels like there's more today because of like social media and all of that type of shit and uh
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I just think it's easier to be... Maybe it's easier to be a creep now. I don't know. I have no idea. But I still think there was a... Maybe there was the same amount. It's kind of like how people feel like we're getting dumber. We're not. We're not. We're not getting dumber.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
If you go back, just watch vintage newsreels where they go out and they talk to people in the street and they get their ideas on shit. And you'd be surprised. I mean, there's some people that are more eloquent than people today, but people at least have more of a worldview. You know, at least or at least a national view with the fucking Internet, because back in the day you lived in your hometown.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
That's what the fuck you knew. You knew that the local news and the local sports team. That was it. Like when I moved to New York City, I remember in the mid 90s, one of my buddies from back home was he goes, you know, where do you live? And, you know, I told him I was living on, you know, what the fuck was I? Ninety seventh and Lex Lexington.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And he was like, dude, what's with all the fucking numbers down there? What's with the... Clueless. I had no idea. I thought of New York City. It was Empire State Building. Taxi cabs. Frank Sinatra. And there was a couple of big concerts in Central Park. That's all I knew. And obviously the sports teams. But I didn't know what... I couldn't name the boroughs.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I had heard of them, but if you asked me to name all of them, I couldn't have done that. I would have missed Manhattan and I would have missed Staten Island because they just called it New York City. But you heard enough about Brooklyn and the Bronx because a Welcome Back Carter was in Brooklyn and then fucking Robert Redford did that movie Fort Apache, the Bronx.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
So I knew of those and that was it. Because I saw a news clip recently and it was about the busing riots and all that in Boston. And they were talking to people in the street. Jesus Christ. You want to talk fucking meatheads. Fucking meatheads. That was one of the dumbest ideas in the history of Massachusetts. That they took a place that racist and they were like, you know what?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You need a face towel. But then what you have to have on underneath it. You got to have some fucking sick ass like, you know, badass clothes. And everybody else has on their rain fucking outfit. Because they bought a fucking umbrella. And they were all making fun of you, you know. Because you fucking showed up like you had upper deck tickets for the Cleveland Browns or some shit. Anyway.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You know what I think would be a good idea? Yeah. You know all these people that fucking hate each other up there and they don't get along? Well, what if we just mixed them all up? What if we forced them to interact with each other? Without, you know, any sort of social lubricant beforehand. Let's just fucking throw them all together and see what the fuck happens.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
For you younger people, spoiler alert, it didn't work out. It didn't go so well. It was fucking insane. Yeah, that was, that's one of those stupid liberal ideas. Like, well, what if we just put them all together and then they just fucking interact and then it'll fucking all work? Is that, you're just going to do that?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You're not going to, there's going to be no education, no sort of ease in the things, you're just going to? She's going to put them together. That's what you're going to do. All right. Would you just watch Trading Places? Anyway, let me do some of these reads here for the week. Squarespace. Hey, folks. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
If you don't know Squarespace, Squarespace is the all-in-one platform that makes it ridiculously easy to build a professional website. Whether you're launching a business, showing off your creative work or trying to sell something online, they've got everything you need all in one place.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It's so simple that even someone like me, a fucking moron, according to this copy, who has zero patience for technology can make it look good. All right. You know what? All they're saying with that paragraph is they listen to the podcast. All right. Guilty as charged. And if you're one of those people always saying, I got this idea, but I don't know where to start, this is where you start.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Let me tell you about a few things I think you'll like. Their fancy drag-and-drop design tool called Fluid Engine. You don't need to know anything about coding or design. Relax. Just pick one of their templates and make it your own. You want to sell T-shirts? Is that what the fuck you want to do with your catchphrases? Or maybe mugs with your dog's face on them, you fucking weirdo.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Squarespace makes it easy. You designed it. They handle production, shipping, and all of that. I'm trying to think what you could do with that. You could put faces on a mug. You'd be funny if you put a face of your wife on it and you draw a line through it and underneath it you just say, not today. Not today.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You have a fishy wife, and there's like that police tape over her mouth, and then just underneath, it's like, you know, not until after my coffee. I don't know why I say that. I get along great with my wife, but it's just funny. It's just fun to annoy people. Oh my God, you know what would be fucking wild?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
What if you got a coffee mug and it had all your ex-girlfriend's name on it with like an X through it and then your latest girlfriend or your wife and there was just a question mark after it? You know where I got that idea from? That was Dave Navarro. That's what his pic looked like when... when he played with the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
He had every guitarist's name with a line through it before he played with them, and then he had his name, and then underneath it, he had a question mark. All right, anyway, got video content. They let you organize and showcase it beautifully on your site. You can even sell access to it through member areas.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
So if you've got a side hustle like online classes or stand-up clips, this is a great way to monetize. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com. slash Burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's Squarespace, S-Q-A, no, S-Q-U-A-R-E-S-P-A-C-E. Isn't that unbelievable?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
The hell did I want to talk about? I saw some fucking good movies this week. I watched that Robert Duvall movie with Karen Black. Amazing, amazing actor. One of my favorites. It's called The Outfit. And dude, it's one of the greatest 70s car movies ever. As far as like, you're just watching it like, what the fuck kind of car is that? There was a car in there.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
The amount of fucking things out there have the same letters as Mississippi. Squarespace.com slash Burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I think it's supposed to say domain, but it says Damon, like Matt Damon. All right. Here we go. Helix. Helix, what's the most important part of your daily routine? Whatever you do to calm down before bed. Read, meditate, stretch.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Binge reality TV, not recommended. Finish a bottle of booze. Your mind is racing. You have a million things going on. You need to rest. A good night's sleep is so, so important. They capitalized the second so. That's why you need the best mattress in the business. The business. Helix mattress. Can you remember the last time, the last great night of sleep you've had?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You wake up refreshed and ready for the day. For most of us, that feeling is all too rare. But it doesn't have to be. Find your perfect mattress fit with Helix Sleep today. Take their sleep quiz to see which mattress suits your unique sleep needs. Say that three times fast, you bastards. They provide free US shipping and a limited lifetime warranty. How can you have a limited lifetime warranty?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It's either a lifetime warranty or you have a limited warranty. Limited lifetime. You even get 100 nights sleep trial. Gross. That's almost a third of a full year. Try out your Helix mattress for 100 nights. A lot can happen in 100 nights. And Helix is so confident in their products, they want you to experience it for yourself. Go to helixsleep.com for 20% off site-wide.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
That's helixsleep.com for 20% off site-wide. H-E-L-I-X-S-L-E-E-P.com. Ah, it didn't work out. Slash Burr. All right. There we go. There we go. All right. Well, I think that is the podcast, everybody. I'm going to see if I can watch this MotoGP race from last. I saw some of the highlights. What happened?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Mark Marquez was cruising, and then he slowed down because he was trying to save his tires and let somebody pass him so he could try to pass him back. I was confused. I didn't understand what was happening. I'll tell you right now. I don't know why. This is the first time in a long time. I have the urge to go to a dive bar by myself. Sit down. All right? And just start fucking boozing. You know?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
One ice cube. Four fingers. Four fingers. Up and over the ice cube. Don't give me this eyedropper shit. I have like three of them. Come home, face down on the mattress, pointed in the wrong direction. Wake up the next morning in sweatpants with one sock on. Going, oh God, what the fuck did I do? I'm not going to do it.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
But I was leaving the theater tonight and I was thinking like, man, I was thinking, man, if I was still drinking, I would go out tonight. And you know what? I don't want to go out with anybody else. I want to go out by myself. OK, and fuck all these people that talk about drinking by yourself. That's a it's a red flag. It is a red flag. But I'll tell you right now.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It's it's I don't want to encourage this behavior. I loved drinking alone. I'm not trying to go George Thorogood on you, but I fucking enjoyed it. On a fucking weekday night, enjoying the privilege of being in this fucking business that I could go out on a Wednesday night and get fucking shit-faced because I didn't have anywhere to be. Until 8 o'clock the next night at a goddamn funny bone.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Those, my friend, were the fucking days. I had no kids. I had no wife. And I could just go out and I could get fucking hammered. Fucking hammered. That's how I dealt with my demons back in the day. Now what I do is I sit here alone and I watch old movies from the 70s. Once again, I highly recommend the outfit with Robert Duvall and Karen Black and a whole bunch of other great actors in it.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I'm not good with the Chrysler, Dodge, Plymouth shit. But it was called a Monaco. A 1973. And it was like this... beige but more on the white side beige and it looked like they were combining an ltd with an eldorado and i don't know some sort of chrysler shit you know chryslers were always fucking weird to me i like their muscle cars but like their luxury cars had um they weren't cool
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And the fucking cars are amazing. And I really feel like that those four-door sleds, because they're rare, I think that they're going to be worth something at some point. Maybe not. I don't know. All I know is I was, you know, I'm thinking about getting another, you know, I need a daily driver. I'm just looking at everything. I looked at the Burt Reynolds fucking Trans Am.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You get one of those in mint condition, these fucking assholes want 200 grand for it. For a fucking Pontiac? Go fuck yourself. Fucking Trans Am. That car was a piece of shit. Everybody knew that. You had that car three years. You did like 20 burnouts on it. The fucking transmission fell out. They didn't make that car right. That was actually after the catalytic converter failed.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
200 grand for an underpowered fucking car you can't even keep on the goddamn road. It's the smoky and the bandit one. If you get the red one, you know, it's like 40 grand. That's how fucking good-looking Burt Reynolds was. He was so good-looking and charismatic that he made that piece of shit worth 200 grand all these fucking years later. Rest his soul.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You don't see movie stars like that coming around. Maybe you do. I'm just fucking old. I don't want to be that cunt. Anyway, plowing ahead here. That's the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And yeah, remember, all right? It's the United States of America. United States. Don't hate other states, all right? People allowed to think different things. Let's stay together.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Don't let a handful of fucking billionaires that own 24-hour news network fucking divide you. Go to that mom-and-pop place, goddammit. Fuck these box stores. Fuck these billionaires. All right, that's it. Listen to the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themlis. And we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right, take it.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 6th, 2017. What's going on, everybody? I am in Phoenix, Arizona. Isn't that exciting? Phoenix, Arizona.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Arizona. It actually is, man. I'm psyched. I'm working at Stand Up Live doing two shows tonight, two shows Tuesday, two shows Wednesday. I'm, you know, putting together my new hour and everything, and I got a bunch of shit. I've actually been listening to my act. I always, you know, when I'm putting together a new hour, oh, I always record. I just never fucking listen.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Well, now I'm finally listening to my act. I figured it out when I can do it because who the fuck wants to sit there and listen to yourself? What I'm doing is I listen to it on the car ride home. You know, if I had a decent set, if I had a shitty set, what's the fucking point? You know what I mean? It's kind of like if you're always taping your team, right? But you only watch if they win.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You know, I know people who do that shit. They like know what the fuck happens before they watch. And if they lose, they just don't even fucking watch. So I've actually been watching and that type of shit. And speaking of which, your team winning and losing. Old Freckles came in last night and I went to the Phoenix Suns were playing my Boston Celtics. So I decide, you know what?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I'm going to go to that game. Right. My hundred and seventeenth fucking franchise professional home team. I've whatever professional sports team that I've seen a home game of hundred and fucking 17 of these motherfuckers. I got 10 more to go. I can't get underneath 10. Every time I get to 10 and I'm like, oh, one more team, I'll fucking, then I'll have nine left. Then somebody moves.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You know, I got down to 10. I'm like, all right, the next one's going to get me down to nine. And then the fucking Rams move back up to 11. Right? So then I go see the Thunder and I'm thinking, all right, look, man, I'm down. I'm down to fucking, I'm down to nine. And I'm like, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I saw the New Jersey Nets. I never saw the Brooklyn Nets. So it's still 10.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
So I'm like, all right, next week. Next week when I go see the Suns, I'll be down to nine teams left, right? So I'm sitting there watching the Suns, and I'm like, Versley, I'm down to single digits. The fan slam is going down. One of the loneliest accomplishments ever. I guess if you went with a bunch of other people. I've got to find the old pictures of me.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
They were like old man looking, I always felt. The Chrysler shit. And the Chevys were the best. The best looking. The Cadillac. You can't beat the fucking Cadillac. And Buicks were a close second. And then the Lincolns, you know... obviously the Lincoln Continental, the suicide door one, that one is iconic.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
At these stadiums, I swear to God, they're all like disposable camera pictures held by a stranger. You know, when I was doing all these fucking gigs in the middle of nowhere and shit. And I'd pass through the major cities and I would just go to a goddamn game. Anyways, so last night I'm thinking, all right, I'm going to the Suns-Celtics game. I'll have nine teams left.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And I'm like, wait a minute, the fucking Chargers just moved to Los Angeles. So... In a month, I'm working in San Antonio and I'm going to a Spurs game. Going to the fucking Spurs. And then I think I'll finally be down to nine. You know, God forbid if the fucking Raiders don't move to Vegas after that. But anyways, I went to the Suns game, right? So I show up immediately.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
The club hooked us up with tickets, gave us great tickets. We were sitting two rows behind the fucking, one of the, what do you call it in basketball? One of the nets, one of the goals, one of the backboards, right? Two rows back. So it's really three rows back because they got all the fucking cameramen, you know? But still, it's like great seats.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And I look down to the right and there's this guy just riding the refs. in the first quarter, and he really gives a shit. So I'm looking at Verzi, and I'm just looking over, going, look at this fucking guy. This guy's out of his mind. There is a guy who gives a shit. This is a hardcore season ticket holder, man. Look how much, you know, I'm laughing.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Like, he's just, like, he knows the ref's names. He's calling him out and all that shit, and Verzi starts going, he goes, I bet that's the owner. I'm like, nah, the owner wouldn't be sitting down. He wouldn't be yelling like that if he was the owner, and he's like, well, Mark Cuban rides the refs like that. I go, get the fuck out of here.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
So finally, you know, I go, all right, man, I'm going to look this guy up, right? So we look him up, and it's the owner. I got to tell you, Phoenix Suns, dude, you guys got a great fucking owner. Robert Sarver is his name, man.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
We ended up talking to him at the end of the game because I tweeted, I was making fun of, what's his face, his shoes, his sneakers, the fucking worst sneakers I've ever fucking seen. Kelly Olenek, the big white goof, the seven-foot fucking pylon out there, right? Celtics love that guy. He got so many goddamn minutes. Maybe it's a road trip or whatever. But, dude, he had these fucking sneakers on.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I think Garrow, your premium, wore them in that fucking Super Bowl against the Redskins.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
when he fucked up the field goal, dude, they were like, they looked like black football cleats from the early 70s, the ugliest fucking things I've ever seen, so of course, I tweet about, that's what he did, so I tweeted about the thing, and I guess the owner's son was watching, he goes, oh, he's probably sitting right next to you, blah, blah, blah, that's how he ended up meeting the guy, but anyways, long story short, so I tweet about this fucking thing, making fun of the guy's sneakers, thinking, obviously, these have to be the worst fucking sneakers, without a doubt,
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
even with the internet, even with Twitter, even with all of these fucking cunts that are on social media, nobody can argue that these are the ugliest fucking sneakers ever, right? They were low-top fucking field goal kicker cleats from the fucking early 70s, right? And all these sneakerheads are like, you mean the Kobe 11s?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
But I don't like that one from the 50s where they got the lights on top of the lights and it's at like a 45 degree angle. It was the longest production car ever. Like the back end on that car is just, I don't know, I don't like it at all. But Chevy, man, I hate to say it, being a Ford guy, in the fucking 60s, the Impala, the Malibu,
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Dude, do you mean the Shaq 14s? I fucking hate sneakerheads. I fucking can't stand them with their 5,000 fucking pairs of sneakers, taking them out of the box, showing them off on MTV Cribs and licking the sole. So it's like, you see, I never even wore these joints before. Yeah, I can tell from your fucking man tits you never wore them before. They're sneakers.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Why don't you go take a fucking walk in them? Berzy's a big sneakerhead. I'll tell you, you know what is fucking overrated? It's so fucking overrated. Jordan's. You know what I mean? I'm not saying they're not good looking. Some of them, most of them are fucking ugly as shit. And dude, the fucking mouth breathing dopes. Maybe that's what it is. The amount of fuck. Oh, geez, I'm walking around now.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I'm walking through the amount of fucking dopes that wear Jordans. You know what it is about Jordans? It's you don't even have to fucking think. You know what I mean? All you got to do is get a pair of Jordans. You know everybody's going to like them. Oh, yo, are those the sixes? Are those the Jordan sixes? Dude, look at these sixes. I got them with the black, with the gold outline.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Yo, these sneakers are crazy, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You know, I don't know. These fucking mouth-breathing morons with their goddamn sweatpants and their Jordans. You know, Fergie's a big Jordan guy. He loves Jordans. He's wearing a pair this week. They're fucking ugly as shit. They're all black, and then they got, like, this white wall tire thing down. And just because it says Jordans on them, I go, Paul goes, dude, check out these new Jordans.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You like them? I go, no, actually, I don't. And he can't understand. He goes, they're Jordans. Dude, these are Jordan 1s. It's like, dude, I don't give a fuck if they're Jordan 8. I'm so sick of the numbers. Dude, what's your favorite Jordan? You like the 7s? Really? You like the 7s? Now, you got to make sure that it just says Nike on the back.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
If it has him on the back, then those aren't the real ones. The Kobe 11s? Like, what do you guys think? That if you fucking put them on, you're somehow going to be able to dunk? You're going to score close to 80 points in a fucking NBA game because you're wearing Kobe's?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I don't know. I don't understand. And if a fucking sneaker is ugly, it's ugly. I don't give a shit. I cannot fucking believe, you guys, you have to go on and you have to look at a picture of those fucking sneakers. They're like referee sneakers from the fucking early 80s. It's just a black low-top fucking slipper with the Nike swoosh on it.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Dude, the Kobe 11s are fucking crazy. They're crazy.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I just don't understand fucking basketball sneakers, okay? Some of them are good looking, some of them aren't. They drive me up the fucking wall. Paul Verzi is the funniest fucking human being I've ever met in my life. Like, he's one of these guys, like, I love him to death, but the shit that he likes, he likes obvious shit. He'd be like, dude, you know what I like? You know what I like?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
what was that fucking top of the I guess it was a Cadillac but that's back when they used to have like you know I've talked about this a million times but I really wish they would get back to this shit because you know luxury cars they didn't make an entry model or an affordable fucking model you had to be successful you had to be crushing it to drive a Cadillac
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I like amenities. It's like, really, dude? You like getting extra shit? Extra comforting shit? That's amazing. You know, I never really thought about that. I don't know. I have to think about this. Do I like amenities? You know what I like, Paul? I like a lack thereof. I like less than. Like, who would ever say that? Dude, you know what? You know what? Dude, is there anything better than pizza?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Is there anything better than a great slice of pizza? Dude, you know what I like? I like a bologna sandwich. Dude, a bologna sandwich with white American cheese and mustard, dude? Dude, the mustard puts it over the top. It's crazy. It's a joke. I mean, it's literally a joke. It just, I don't know. It's like, does it even need to be said? Of course, it's a bologna sandwich.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Yeah, it fucking hits the spot. Old mainstream poly. Dude, you know what I like? You know what I like? I like a golden retriever. Dude, you know what's crazy? A white picket fence. Sorry. I got to get him back on this podcast because I won't. Bartnick calls him Mr. Maxim. Because everything that he likes, it's like, he likes what everybody likes.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
But then he's got this simplistic fucking great philosophy where he'll be like, Bill, but Bill, what's wrong with sweatpants? And you can't argue with him. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with it. It's just the conversation is just like, it just doesn't need to be, most of the conversation just doesn't even need to be had. Dude, is there anything better than just walking around in sweatpants?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Dude, you put on a pair of sweatpants with some Jordan 3s?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You live in a desert. You know, it like rains. Hopefully it rains when you're out there. And it rains for like a month. Rains like crazy. And then it does. It never rains in California. Remember that song? But boy, don't they warn you. It pours. Man, it pours. I never understood like what it meant. I didn't understand any of that. I remember asking my mother going, it never rains in California?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
All right, I'm sorry. Fuck all you sneakerheads out there. God bless you with your little fucking hobby of keeping your sneakers clean and, you know, fucking walking on your heels anytime there's any sort of rubbish on the ground. Grown fucking men just walking like a goddamn duck on their heels. Hey, buddy, what the fuck are you doing?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Dude, you know what I love? You know what I love? Is there anything better than when it snows on Christmas? That's the type of shit he says. It's like, no, yeah, that's great, Paul. I think everybody's pretty much in agreement. I even think Jewish people like if it snows on Christmas. You know what I mean? It probably adds to their Chinese food.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I don't like who the fuck doesn't like a fresh blanket of snow as long as it isn't a goddamn storm. Dude, you know what? I like amenities. Is there anything better than taking a steam? No. I mean, you know, that's also that is a great thing that everyone is in agreement with. You know what I like, dude? I like fresh air. Is there anything better than like non-polluted air when you breathe in?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I mean, it's crazy. It's literally, it's a joke. Jesus, I went on a fucking tangent there. Oh my God, for half a second I thought the recorder wasn't recording. I forgot my fucking microphone, so this might sound a little bit. Dude, is there anything better? Than just laying in your bed and just waking up and doing your podcast. I mean, it's literally, it's a joke.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You know, I have to look up these fucking sneakers. How the fuck Kobe Bryant, one of the greatest fucking top, what, two, three players of all time, individual players. Teammate, he was a fucking nightmare. You wait till that fucking confessional comes up. Let me sit there, putting my password here. Stupid Laker fans always chant MVP at the guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
If you were just crushing it, but not crushing it, crushing it, you got the Buick. If you weren't quite crushing it, you got an Oldsmobile. And if you were moving up, you got a Pontiac. And if you just fucking got there, you drove a Chevy. That's how it worked. And it was like, I'll just throw numbers out. So you could get a Chevy for five to six grand. Then Pontiacs were seven to nine grand.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I hate that Celtic fans are chanting MVP at Isaiah Thomas, by the way. It reminds me of Laker fans that were always, every time fucking Kobe stepped on the court and did not pass the ball and scored 40 fucking points and they lose again. And they, MVP. Did you see him dunk on that guy and then they lost? Oh my God, he's unbelievable.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Maybe if we get 58 free agents in here and fucking Phil Jackson, they can win a title. MVP. All right. No, but he's doing, he's wearing the Kobe's. He's wearing the Kobe 11. I have to look these fucking sneakers up, how ugly these goddamn things are. And the fact that these fucking sneaker heads, you mean the Kobe's?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
He looks like fucking Ken Stabler out there. Kobe 11. You cannot tell me that this fucking computer doesn't listen to you. Oh my, those are fucking dancing slippers. Jesus, at least he got the best color. They come in pink. They come in red and white. They got a Miami Dolphin color. Dude, those literally look like women's sneakers.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Like, you should have, like, the low-cut sock with the little ball on the back if you wear those fucking things. And look at the ones, $130. I bet this, I bet if I went on YouTube and I looked up Kobe 11s, I bet there's some fucking asshole sitting there licking the fuck. Who was the guy? Fat Joe did that. In his MTV cribs. And he had like, check these out. These are like the fucking George Sixes.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And then he licked the bottom of them. It's like, dude, do you realize the sweatshop that those things were fucking made in? And you think those things didn't hit the ground in there? And God knows, they probably don't let, they probably make those people go to the bathroom at their fucking station. And you're going to lick the bottom of those goddamn sneakers?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
They were in a hermetically sealed sneaker box. Dude, they were in a cardboard box and were shipped over here from the other side of the world. I think I'll put my tongue on them. All right, I'm going to look this up. I'm going to see if I can find that. I'm going to find a fucking video here. Kobe 11s. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I don't know why, but the first video that came up said exploding poo and a guy had shit on his face. Now, I didn't think they did that type of stuff on fucking Kobe 11s. Shoes. All right. And some asshole is going to do a fucking review. Nike Kobe 11 performance review. Dude, these are the ugliest fucking sneakers I've ever seen in my life. These ones are actually worse.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Kobe Bryant gives LeBron James his autographed shoes. God, what the fuck do they talk about other than winning championships? That'd be like listening to fucking Superman and like fucking Batman talking. All right, Kobe gives away shoes to a fan. Here's I shit all over the guy. He's like the nicest guy ever.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Kobe helps a busload of sick children get to the Staples Center by towing it with his own body. And it's Kobe 11th. All right, maybe I was wrong. Nike, Kobe. I got to get off this fucking subject. What am I going to listen to some guy do a fucking review of the sneakers? Nike Kobe 11 performance overview. My initial thoughts. I fucking love you, too. Who gives a fuck?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I guess you guys are listening to my thoughts, but I'm just being a fucking moron. Anyways, let's get back to the goddamn game. All right. So Kelly Olenek's out there and his Kobe 11s, dude, they were fucking crazy. Dude, you get a seven foot white guy in Kobe 11s. It's all it's all.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I mean, the black guys are still going to go right around him and have their nuts in his face when they dunk on him. But, I mean, his feet from the ankles down, it's over. It's a joke. It's literally a joke. All right. Anyway, so we watch this game. The owner of the Suns is a fucking riot. Totally just watching him riding the referees like old school guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It was just like that. It moved up in like two, $3,000 increments. But there was no $5,000 Cadillac just so you could say you're driving a Cadillac. You had to have your big boy pants on back then. And you also had to be a man. If you were a woman, you had to fucking stay home. I told you a long time ago, I was on the road and I saw this sign in this diner. It said, get or afford.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
you know, right down there on the court watching the game. And, you know, he's not about some luxury box or anything like that, right? So anyway, so we're watching the game, and the Celtics come out flat, which you knew they were going to. You knew they were going to because they've just beat the Lakers.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Anytime, I'm telling you this right now, gamblers, gamblers, anytime any Boston team, I'd say the Bruins or the fucking Celtics go on that West Coast trip. OK, if you want to make some money, bet against them the day after they play either the Clippers, the Kings or the Lakers. Because they fucking go to L.A. and after the game, they all go out.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
They bang a bunch of fucking broads, a bunch of fucking actresses or whatever the fuck it is they do. And then the next game when they go to San Jose, down to Anaheim, out to Phoenix, up to Portland, whatever the fuck they go next. There's always a letdown. So the Celtics come out flat. The fucking Suns are all over him. Whoever the guard was on the Suns was just as fast, it seems, as Isaiah.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
So he was right up on him. Frustrating the hell out of him. I mean, Isaiah had, I think, four fouls in the first half. And so we're watching the game and I'm just going like, I fucking knew it. I'm so excited to finally see this team. I've been watching, seen almost every game of this year. And they come out flat. I'm like, oh, man, am I really going to the fucking hangover game?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Ah, what do I give a shit? I got three fucking tickets. But still, you know, there's a bunch of Celtics fans there. They're all going fucking nuts and everything. We had like nothing to cheer about. I think we were down by like 10 after the first half. And we just start chipping away, chipping away, chipping away. First half was ugly.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I mean, it was like a first quarter score with like four minutes to go. It was like 32-27. It seemed maybe it was like six minutes to go. So at the half, I think they were both in like the 40s. I don't even remember. And I said, Paul, jokingly, I go, you watch. They're both going to score over 100. They're going to eat up or whatever.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
So, of course, they come out and everybody starts hitting their shots. It turns into this great game. And then the fourth quarter comes and we start chipping away, chipping away, chipping away. We're down by like 10 or 11. And then we're down by eight. Then we're down by five. And then we're down by four. Next thing you know, we're up by like two.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
So you guys all know how the fucking game ends, right? We fucking missed. What's his face? Brown missed that foul shot. Isaiah missed the foul shot. They would have fucking iced it. And we let him hang around, hang around, fucking hang around. In the end, I can't remember if it was tied or we were up by one. It all happened.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
So, you know, it happens so fucking fast when you're at the game and you don't have an announcer holding your hand and you don't have something that you can actually look at. There's too much shit to look at. So we go to inbound the fucking ball. Right? This guy goes around Jay Crowder. I think tied it up. We're like, fuck. Right? That's right. We were up by two.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Instead of being up by three and forcing them to take a three, and they probably would have missed the fucking thing. That's right. And the guy goes right around Crowder. Lays it in. Crowd's going nuts. There's like four seconds left. They go, all right. They're going to try to get it to Isaiah Thomas. Let's see what happens. We fucking inbound the ball.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Isaiah, one of the only times I've seen him mess up this year. Messed up the pass. He was kind of looking up court, you know, because there's only four seconds left before he caught the ball. They kick it out to this fucking dude. What the hell was his name? I actually wrote it down so I would give him the respect he deserves. Tyler Uless.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
They kick it out to him, and he hits a fucking three-pointer at the buzzer to beat the Celtics. Now, here's the thing. I had second-row fucking seats, and guess what? I didn't even see the play. It happened on my end. You know why? Because the fucking assholes, they're in the front fucking row. They inbound the ball, and they could see that Thomas was fucking it up. They stand up.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You're in the front fucking row. What are you standing up for? There's nothing in front of you. You fucking cunts. And all of a sudden, I just saw the ball go through the net. And everybody goes, and the horn goes off. Everybody goes nuts. I go, what the fuck? Does that count? Did that just go in? What the fuck just happened? I had to go home to watch the replay to see what the fuck happened.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I was sitting in the second row. I couldn't see it because these fucking assholes stood up in front of me. I don't understand standing up when nothing's in your way. Haven't you ever heard that expression? Why stand when you can sit? Why sit when you can lay down? Why stand up when you're in the front fucking row? What is blocking your goddamn view?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Anyways, all right, I'm done fucking bitching here. I had a great time, and evidently Kobe 11s are fucking crazy, man. You know? Dude, Chris Everett should wear that fucking sneaker. That's what it looks like. It looks like one of the different colored ones. I like, you know. Do you know something? That is a testament to how great Kobe Bryant was. You know, it's almost like he's so fucking good.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It was like the 1940s and I was thinking like, wow, man, that's... It's pretty luxurious that you would buy your wife a car. I thought people were sort of one-car families back in the day. Who had the money to go buy their wife a new car? And then I realized what they were saying. It's like, you know, get her a Ford. You drive the Lincoln. You drive the Mercury. Okay, you just get her an entry.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Nike was at the factory going like, how fucking ugly do you think we could make a sneaker if we put your name on it? These people that lick the bottom of the fucking sneaker. Will they still buy these goddamn things? You know what? Now that I'm looking at him.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
don't look like you'd play basketball great they look comfortable as hell as far as when they're in a different color i guess they look like slippers now here's the thing i want to i want to fucking ask you kobe had that horrific uh achilles um injury i swear to god which is is like That was the end of anybody's career.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
That is like the classic old man basketball injury is you go to take a step and your fucking Achilles goes right up the back of your leg. I mean, I don't even... Obviously, I don't fucking play hoop at all, but I still fucking... I'm always stretching my fucking Achilles... I swear to God, before I get out of bed, that's I don't know what it is about that injury.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I just know like five or six people that have had it. And I want no part of it. I want no fucking you never walk right again. I mean, if you got Kobe's money, you know. You can go to Germany and meet the grandsons of the Nazi fucking doctors and they'll spin your fucking blood in a centrifuge, whatever the fuck they do.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And then you come back and you can still dunk or whatever, you know, but most people don't have Kobe money. So what's going to happen is, is you're going to go down to the veterinarian down the street and he's going to sell that thing back and you're never going to, you're never going to be, you know, that's it.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
God help you if you're ever in a situation where there's panic and the crowd starts running and it's a stampede and you've blown out your Achilles at some point in your life. You're going to get trampled. You know? You're going to be that zebra in the Serengeti that gets eaten by the fucking alligator is basically what's going to happen. But, you know, he has the low tops.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I wonder if that probably had nothing to do with it. I'm just surprised guys are wearing low-top fucking sneakers again. Like, it's... Because, you know, I don't pay attention to this shit. I usually watch hockey, right? And Versi's going like, no, no, no. Kobe kind of brought the low-tops back. Everybody's wearing them. So I looked out on the court, and I saw a number of people with low-tops.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And people still had, like, these high-top sneakers on. But the amount of ones that they were, like, Velcro. You know, like a little kid, he can't tie his sneakers. They had, like, Velcro high-tops with, like, a fucking belt around your ankle. And I was, I don't know. I don't know about those either.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You know, it's hilarious how arrogant I am that I actually think that the world cares what a 48 year old white guy thinks about fucking sneakers. Why don't you just get a pair of shell toes? Um, so anyways, we went to the goddamn game and, uh, We had a great fucking time. Robert Sarver and his family are great. We met him briefly and just talked to him. Just great people.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Like that guy, dude, if I was a Phoenix fan, I would be very happy with that guy as an owner, even though I know you guys are rebuilding. That guy fucking loves his team. There's a lot of owners. They don't give a shit. You know, they own a team so they can have hookers and blow up in a fucking suite.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You know, she doesn't need to worry her little head anymore. With all these buttons and electric windows and all of this shit. You know? A V8 engine. She can't handle that. Just get her a Ford. Let her putz around town. She'll feel fucking special. I wish I could talk to a woman from back then. Like, what the fuck was that? They don't seem like they were upset, though.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Dude, that guy, he was, it looked like he, I was going to say, it's like he had money on the game. And he does. He's paying the fucking players. Anyways. All right. So let's plow ahead here. I should probably read some goddamn advertising right here. All right. Loot crate.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
All right. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Let's get back to the fucking podcast. So I've been listening to a bunch of fucking old school country. Not all the way back to Hank Williams, but like that outlaw shit, you know? Right before the outlaw shit. Is George Jones considered outlaw? I don't know. But listening to him, obviously... To all of these other fucking guys, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And I ended up listening. I remember this song. Do you guys remember Johnny Paycheck? Johnny Paycheck was this country singer. And I swear to God, he had a hit song called Take This Job and Shove It. And it was such a fucking hit. It so struck a chord with people. That they actually turned it into a movie. There was actually a movie called Take This Job and Shove It.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It was about a fucking guy who was working in a job that he hated. And he wanted to tell him, you know, basically tell him to go fuck themselves. But he didn't have the nerve. And I think it was because the lyric was, someday I'm going to get the nerve to say it. And everybody could relate to it. Being like, hey, I also hate my fucking life. And I want to make a change.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
But I don't know how to do it. You know what I mean? It's like the whole Donald Trump fucking phenomenon. Not the informed people. You know what I mean? I'm talking about the mouth breather. You know what I mean? Like with Hillary Clinton, you had the informed person that wanted to vote for her. And then you had the hissy fit fucking dope person. This will be great for women.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Like your life was really going to fucking change. Um, I swear to God, I just don't, I don't, I don't understand adults who haven't fucking figured it out yet that you're, you're on your own. Okay. Playtime is over. Nobody cares about you. Okay. I don't care what color their fucking tire, their, their bra is. They, they don't the level of money that you have to have.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And then you have to give it to these people to, for you to even be on their radar and You have to be going to these $10,000, $100,000, $50,000 fucking plate dinners with them. And then you have to stand in a line of people that all paid that money. Okay? And you got to get up there with your fucking shapeshifter fucking lizard eyeballs. And you got to try to peer into their soul.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I didn't think you'd talk to them. You just walk up with a napkin that says how much money you're going to give to them. And then you're on their fucking radar. Has nothing to do with your genitalia. Anyways. So I'm getting off the rails here. So this fucking guy, Johnny Paycheck, he's got this fucking song called Take This Job and Shove It.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It's the funniest fucking just, there's no way to listen to this song and not fucking just be. I played it for Paul Verzi. He was crying and laughing. He goes, this can't be a real song. I go, dude, not only is it a real song, it was turned into a movie. Just the way he says shove it, his voice drops way down.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
But it was just like... It's kind of funny now to listen to women how openly... They discuss how dumb they find men. And I just can't imagine during that fucking time the confusion of that. That you would be sitting there listening to these fucking morons talking about all this shit. I can't imagine what they used to talk about when the guys went to work.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And he gets all, like, kind of quiet. You know when a redneck gets quiet, you know, and starts talking, leans in? It's fucking scary. You know? Non-whities, even for white people, that's fucking scary. There is nothing scarier than a redneck leaning in at a bar thinking that we're all on the same team.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
That's some fucked up shit because you're immediately like, I don't want to do I don't I don't want any part of what you're about ready to tell me, sir. And I want to try to get out of this.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
conversation gracefully how do i dismount out of this fucking conversation that the second they when on a fucking redneck looks the opposite way of the conversation and then leans in i'm telling you this should be like a fucking an injector seat on your bar stool to get you the fuck out of where did he go did i get left behind um
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
So I swear to God, so when he gets into the verse, right, it's like he's leaning in.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You know, and what I love about all those old school country songs is that fucking women always leave. They're always crying or whatever. But these fucking assholes, they never say why. And whenever I listen to these songs, it's just like, dude, what the fuck were you doing? I get it. You're working at this factory. You don't like the job. Why is your woman drowning in a pool of tears?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
What the, I mean, are you taking this fucking, so you don't have the balls to try to get a better job, tell your boss to fuck off. So what happens? You come home, you take it out on your wife. Is that what you're doing? I've had shit jobs. I've had low pay. For the first fucking, I don't know how many years of being a comedian, was a low paying job.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I never had a girlfriend drowning in a pool of tears. I mean, I definitely made him cry, but that's because I was an asshole. It had nothing to do with my fuck. I wouldn't blame my job. I've been featuring on the road for now on 16 years. One of these days. Anyways, just listen to the fucking song. You got to hear this song. You got to... Johnny Paycheck.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I know I'm making fun of him, but I actually... I don't know. There's something about this. I listen to this fucking song and it just gives me all kinds of ideas for characters and shit like that and movies and whatever. But I've been downloading George Jones, George Jones, Tammy Wynette, all of these fucking people. And I swear to God... You got to listen to George Jones. These days...
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
These days, I barely get by. Is inadvertently one of the funniest fucking songs you're ever going to listen to your life. Do you have one of those friends that just calls up and complains all the time? And you try to help him out and go, hey, well, what if you do? No, I can't do that. The fucking guy who's just resigned himself. You know, hey, with my luck, this would X, Y and Z would happen.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
They must have been laughing their asses off. But just be like, you know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It's like, yeah, with that fucking attitude, that's exactly what's going to happen. You know what I mean? I got a couple of friends like that. After a while, you're just like, dude, you're a white guy in the United States of America. How far down the fucking track before the race starts do you have to be? Jesus fucking Christ. How the fuck are you complaining? Complaining.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I'm not saying that white people should not complain. I know there's a lot of people drowning in a pool of tears. Harder these days.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It's like, dude, why don't you just address the fact that you don't like your job? Apply from some other jobs. If you don't have the training, take some night courses. You know, get the training you need. Instead of sitting there seething, coming home, taking it out on your fucking woman. George Jones has another fucking song called The Grand Tour.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I'm telling you, you've got to listen to these fucking songs, right? I listen to that song. It's like, George, what in the fuck did you do to your woman? It's like, step right up. Come on in.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
be like smarter in a lot of ways and this guy this meathead guy's coming home talking to you like you don't know your fucking ass from a hole in the ground i always feel like that's got to be like what it's like for people that come to this country and they're like bilingual and they got to listen to americans only speak one language give them shit because they speak english with like an accent
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You're like, Jesus Christ. And this motherfucker, he goes through his whole house.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Dude, he gets all the way to the nursery. You're like, oh, Jesus Christ. And he goes, she took the fucking baby. And the key thing in all of this is he says, there's her rings and her things. And it's like this fucking woman left all of her stuff and took the baby. George, what the fuck did you do to her? This woman didn't leave you. She fled the fucking scene. There's some sort of detail.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You're not fucking giving me here. Where are the empty booze bottles? I actually listened to that song. I feel bad for the woman in his life until I found out she left. Then I actually feel good. Yeah, get the fuck out of there. Get that kid out of there too. I'm supposed to feel bad for you? Sounds like he went out back to chop some wood and she saw some daylight.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Somehow got the chains off around her fucking ankles, grabbed the kid and got the fuck out of there. Anyways, let's read some. There's going to be some pure country fans. They're going to be like, you're missing the point, man.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
My woman done left me. Hey, Johnny Paycheck, come on. It's just you and me. What did you do? You know, I imagine if she fucked around on you, you would have mentioned it. All right. Maybe I'm taking these fucking songs a little too seriously. I have a problem with that. Like when I listen to rap music, you know. Like, who's that new group that everybody's, Migos?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
When I watch their videos and shit, and they're coming up in those supercars, and they're holding the fucking money out, it just, it literally, I have to look in the other direction. It just drives me nuts seeing artists doing that. I just, I'm always thinking in my head, please, please buy some real estate. Please don't blow it all on fucking Kobe 11s. Oh, my God.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Dude, watching artists, watching people who don't understand money, I guess, but I would say artists, you know, the shit that we fucking do, it's just the dumbest. You know, it's another stupid fucking thing. I love these people that buy watches that are like, it's like, dude, that thing, you could hang that on the fucking wall. I'd know what time it was from across the room.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Why do you have that on your wrist? The amount of guys that are like my height and my size... Walking around with a watch that only would look right on like a fucking offensive lineman is... It's like, did you take that out of a submarine? Is that like deep sea scuba diving shit? So you can fucking go down to like, what, 9,000 feet and the goddamn dial won't bust on it?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I'm going to go see old Cleodeo. I'm going to see my dog Cleo. The people that ended up getting her from us live out here. So...
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It's like, yeah, it's a second language and I can actually communicate with you. I know I have an accent, but I can speak more than one language. Like what the fuck? It is kind of funny how like English is like the language of the world and everybody thinks like, oh, the reason why that is is because it's the best language of the fucking white people, best fucking that dumb shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Because she's probably going to be so in love with the other people. Because I kind of realized that going, well, she was in love with the people that had her before us. And within a week, she fucking loved us. I mean, dogs, they adapt. They just fucking adapt. So...
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Hey, Dictator Bill, I'm 19 years old, and I've been with my girlfriend. I'm with my girlfriend now for two years. I know what you're thinking, too young for all these silly problems. That's not what I'm thinking. I'm thinking good for you. Way to go. Way to go, fella. Anyway, for the first year of our relationship, literally everything was perfect. I still love her just as much as I did then.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I'm sure she loves me just as much. However, during the second year of our relationship, an overnight shift changed. And then we stopped having sex. It's basically non-existent and now and again every couple of months it will happen. But I know she's not enjoying it. This is because she was on the implant. Contraception injection.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
At first I was questioning myself and if it was me that wasn't getting her in the mood anymore. But she promises me that it isn't because of the implant. She says it's... What the fuck is a contraception injection?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Well, yeah, that's probably fucking annoying to have it in there. You know what I mean? She goes to hug you and the inside of her arm hurts? Anyways, after the first I was questioning myself about... She says that it... that has caused her to completely lose her sex drive. She says she just had it removed and it's been a few weeks since and nothing has changed yet.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I feel so much resentment towards her every day and what I can only describe as depression as soon as I see her most of the time. I find myself being such an angry, short-tempered person now when normally I'm usually happy and smiling. Ah, Jesus. Might be time to get out of this relationship, buddy. But you know something?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
If it really affected her like that, it depends on how long she had it in there. Maybe she needs longer than two weeks. But, you know, if you're going to be an angry lunatic, I mean, if you don't leave, eventually she's going to. But you know what? You get yourself a song on it. A woman done put a toothpick in her arm.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It's like, no, it's because the English went around the world and fucking had an empire. That's what happened. And they made people speak it. Speak the King's English. I don't want to listen to you speaking your fucking mumbo-jumbo. Hey, I don't got time for your culture and your own country.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I always seem to try and hide my need for sex and act like I don't ever want it and try to show disinterest, but I never can. I guess it just must be more important to me than it is to her. I never thought sex was such a big deal, but the last year has taught me that when there's bad sex life in a relationship, it can really cause the whole thing to just break down.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It just got to the point now that I've said we need some space And a break because the last thing I want is to ruin our relationship. Dude, you're fucking miserable, man. And you have to, you know, you got to be with somebody and, like, understand them and, you know, be there when they're going through a tough time.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
But, like, you know, if they're not understanding how fucking miserable you are, you're just going to keep getting more miserable and then, you know. Then they're going to be miserable. And then in the end, they're going to fucking break up with you. And you're going to be like, what the fuck? I should have done that to them. Breaking up with somebody is not something you should do to them.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
It's something you should do for yourself. All right. This is the deal, dude. You're not fucking happy. All right. You're not happy. It's great that you're taking a fucking break. And I would go out and I'd fucking go try to enjoy myself and meet somebody that doesn't have a fucking toothpick in their arm that doesn't want to touch my dick.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
You know, I mean, that's just getting down to brass tacks here. That's what's going on. Right. They stuck that shit in her, and now you can't stick your shit in her. So, I mean, you got to get the fuck out. I'd get out. You're young, dude. You're 19. What, are you going to marry her? What, are you in the military? People in the military get married when they're 19, you know? My woman done left.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
That's what you do. It just sounds like... You sound like you need like a long time away from each other. The way that was read, dude, that sounded like a fucking 40 year old guy wrote that in your 19th. So that's kind of a good sign that maybe you should get the fuck out. Who knows? But I would not say anything mean. I would not.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And I just, you know, you want to be able to see the person again and not get a glass to the head. You know what I mean? That's kind of what you're going for. So the art form is you just tell them how you're feeling.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I'm just not happy, and I'm finding myself less and less happy, and it's affecting my moods. Everything you just said, and I'm finding that I'm getting angry, and I don't want to be angry around you and create any misery in your life. So as much as this is going to hurt you, I'm walking out the door.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
But thanks to the tyranny and the oppression of the English Empire, Americans, we can travel around a lot of places and we don't have to learn to speak a fucking language. It's kind of amazing. I don't think it's good for us. I wonder if we have more dementia in this country because we only speak one because they say that, you know, I get I get afraid of that. I get scared of that shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Yeah. You know, might be one of those breakups. Or it could be the one. Oh, why did I do it? I don't fucking know. But you're 19. You know, you got the whole you got your whole fucking life ahead of you. You don't need being this. This sounds like you're fucking married. I'd get out. All right, that's it. Okay, and that's the fucking podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I will check in on you on Thursday. And that's it. I'll let you know how seeing old Cleo the next couple of days is, which is going to be fucking awesome. And it's also, you know what, I'm psyched that, you know, we've got a cool family. And, you know, I think I'll come out to Phoenix a couple times a year. You know, do a run of shows like I'm doing here. Go to a game or something like that.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I'll hang with the dog. It's kind of nice, you know. All right, that's it. I'll talk to you guys on Thursday.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
from black belts that attack them white bones like cyclones or typhoons i represent from midnight to high noon i don't waste ink i think i drop megaton bombs more faster than your blink cause round thoughts travel at a tremendous speed you cloud the smoke of natural blends of weed only under one circumstance as if i'm blunted turn that up my clan in the front wanted now with the mcs came to live out the name hey and take the two before something had to snort come
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
So like they say, like, you know, taking naps is good for your brain, playing an instrument, learning another language or whatever. Yeah. which I've been getting my ass kicked on fucking Duolingo. They got that stupid shit where they get you to compete with other people. It's been very liberating because I only have time to do one lesson a day, so I'm keeping my streak going.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Yeah. What it really is, is it's the desert. It doesn't rain. It rains like once a month. So if you were confused about that song for the last 50 fucking years, I hope I undid it for you. Anyway, so I'm a raincoat guy. I'm not an umbrella guy. You know, you walk down the street and then you got to lift it up, you know, because you don't hit somebody in the fucking eye with it.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I've done French almost 160 days in a row, but since I've been rehearsing in the play, I've only done one or two lessons a day. And then the app goes like, you're going to get demoted unless you're above the line. And it's just like, you know...
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
just go fuck yourself with that okay it's i'm so sick of how everything turns into you know get them to run get them to chase the fucking carrot so they interact with it um anyway so um Oh, Christ, what the fuck did I just do to my heart? Did I just hit stop? I didn't, right? Is it still going? It's still going. It's still going. All right, let me do something right here.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Very important announcement. Here we go. The 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit. is going to be Sunday, May 18th at the New York City Center, 131 West 55th Street between 6th and 7th Avenue, New York City. Doors open at 7 p.m. Show starts at 7.30 p.m. The lineup is as follows. Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, D.C. Benny, Tim Dillon. I'm going to mess this name up. Nimish Patel, Sean Patton,
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And me, Bill Burr, and as always, the great Rich Voss, who's done it 11 times, will be coming back to MC. And we might have a special guest drop in. I'm working on that right now. You never know who's going to show up. Tickets are on sale now. They are 75 bucks and tickets can be purchased online at www.nycitycenter.org. Patrice is P-A-T-R-I-C-E. Pat Rice.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
or by calling the box office at 212-581-1212. All of this info will be posted on my socials, handles, and on my website. And as always, shout out and thank you to our amazing producer, Maureen Tarrin. She is the captain of the ship, and she's the reason why it goes every year. So anyway, look at that. I think the rain stopped. Would you look at that?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I also have, you know, I might be adding another. I know I am. I just can't announce it yet for whatever fucking dumb reason. I have a benefit that I'm doing overseas that I'll be talking about more whenever I'm allowed to. I don't know how the fuck that works. Anyway, we're getting close. We're getting close to doing starting on Monday.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
Monday night, we go on in front of our first packed house previews. This is like previews. It's the preseason. And then the season starts March 31st, so I can't fucking wait. I can't wait. I can't wait to see how this plays. I can't wait to see where the laughs are, where the moments are, and all that shit. I've been having so much goddamn fun.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And we rehearsed this morning, and then I had a little break, and I actually ran off and went to the fucking gym. I've been killing it. Oh, Billy, no tits. Look at that, man. It's fucking coming down, but I will tell you what. Oh, my God. I did some fucking damage. Jesus Christ. If you put my torso on the Mecham auction, you know, it wouldn't have met the reserve.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I'd have to take the reserve off, and I would be like, ah, yeah, I'm not selling it. Forget it. I got too much Bondo. Oh, my God. You have no idea how fat you are until you do yoga without a shirt on and there's like a fucking mirror to the side and you're doing a forward bend. You're like, what the fuck? Do I sell shoes for a living? Who the fuck is that? Is that me? Jesus fucking Christ.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And then you just becomes this thing, you know, unless you get one of the smaller ones. And then the smaller one, all it does is keep from your eyebrows up dry and the rest of you gets fucking drenched. So I just go raincoat. And I'm an older man at this point. So, you know, if they had raincoat pants like readily available, I would buy those, too. But only if they were like NBA tearaway style.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
There's no excuse for it. There's really no excuse for it. for how out of shape I got, you know, if you, you guys work for a fucking living, you have to be somewhere. You know what I mean? I, I, you know, I got all goddamn day to not be a fat fuck, you know, and I, I still failed at it. Fucking ridiculous. Um, yeah.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
So I went, I went over to my big gay gym that, uh, that I joined gay as it wants to be. And, uh, You know, I got in there and I got on the treadmill. I put it at the fucking angle I needed to. I worked it. I was walking briskly so I would burn fat because that's the new way they say that you're burning fat. You know what I mean?
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And I do like these guys on like the fucking social medias, the medias of social. I love people that give advice and they're like yelling at you. You know what I mean? You can just see like the awful parent that the person had. You're sitting there like, why are you yelling at me, dude? Teach me about... Stop doing cardio before you lift weight. All right, man. I didn't know it was bad.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
As far as I know, this is the first time you're telling me. I believe it's the first time I met you. Like, what are we doing here? So anyway... I figure once I get to the... Once we stop doing all the rehearsals or tech run-throughs and we're just doing the show, even on the days when I have a matinee, I don't have to go to work.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
I got my whole morning free so I can finally fucking get my goddamn ass back in shape. Holy shit. Holy shit. I'll tell you one thing, okay? Everybody fucking talking about snowflakes this and snowflakes that. I'll tell you, you know, the biggest example of fucking being a snowflake and soft is American jeans. You know, with these elastic waistbands.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
So the number on your jean, you know, whatever, 34, 32, you could actually be a 38 waist and you could still get into 34. They're not fucking helping it. They're all, I'm telling you, they're all in fucking cahoots with each other. Um, Oh, my God. I actually went out and I got one of those tape measure things that people get when they're measuring you for a suit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
And I put that fucking thing around my waist. It went up to 39 inches and I ran out of tape. I was like, what the fuck? Oh, my God. I have eight inches I got to lose. I gotta get back down to a fucking 32, which I'm gonna do, but I've been eating fucking protein and that shit, so I'm not gonna go Dallas Buyers Club on you here. I'm gonna fucking... Oh, Billy Peck's here. I'm trying, whatever.
Monday Morning Podcast
Men of Yesteryear, Pervs of Yesteryear, Elastic Waist Jeans | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-25
What the fuck ever, you know? Anyway, who gives a shit? It's MotoGP season. It's fucking March Madness season. F1 is going. Fucking Mark Marquez is riding with the factory Ducati team. Lewis Hamilton is with Ferrari. You know, he's going to try to fucking dethrone that other kid who keeps winning, who I always call Sebastian Vettel. I always fuck up the names. I'm not a big F1 guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 24th, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? How's your life? Look at the fucking Red Sox making moves, signing pictures. I don't know who they are, but people are excited. I actually ordered that spring training hat, the red one. It's the red hat with the blue bill.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
It only goes up to 39 inches, by the way. So if you want to humble yourself, why don't you go fucking see what the equator of your body is right now? And then try to do the math of how long it would take the sun to go around all those fucking mistakes since you left high school. Um, so I am committed other than to have a great time on this play, which is what I'm doing.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
like that vivid blue with the red which doesn't even make sense you know i guess red white and blue on the flag but it was just sort of red and blue if i remember correctly And then Chicago had the most boring where the White Sox had horrible, like, they look like an expansion franchise. You know, the White Sox uniforms. I don't understand.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I am going to drop, I'm getting back down to my fighting weight, which I have not been since like the end of 2019. Um, all right. I've fucking, I've had it. The fat shaming that is going on in my bathroom every morning when I brush my teeth shirtless, um, I get right in my grill. Look what the fuck you did. Look what you did. I turned sideways. I turned... You know what's a great one?
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
You turn three quarters of the way around and you can still see the front of your stomach. That's when you just... You really look at your wife and realize how much she loves you. Like, she's putting up with this? This is fucking horrific. Whatever. So... You know what's funny, too, is everybody's going, what are you talking about, dude? You're in great shape. I'm like, dude, it's the winner.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I have on a peacoat. Do you know how fat you have to be to look fat in a fucking peacoat? How many dozens of donuts you got to eat? And then let's look at the other side. How much fun is it becoming that fat? Because I went to go see Billy Gibbons at the... at the fucking, um, city winery with, uh, Chris Layton on drums, just an amazing, amazing, amazing time.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
But, you know, ZZ Top came out like 10 years before my generation started going to concerts, 75, 76. So my first concert was fucking 86, right? So, uh, I, um, I was sitting in the crowd. I went to the show by myself, right? My buddy ended up getting a gig, so... All right, I have no friends. I went there by myself, right? And the crowd was like 10 years older than me.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
And you just looked around the room and you saw people that like, you know... held themselves to a certain standard, you know, like still working out or whatever. But then seeing people 10 years older than me that just said, fuck it. You know, you know, that stupid thing that that, you know, that they came up with that kids kids say now, like, Dad, I want to have a yes day.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Like, whatever I say, you're going to say yes to. It's like, no, that's no, I'm going to hear what the fuck you said. i'm gonna lean towards yes but if it doesn't make any sense i'm not doing it right these people had like a yes life and you're watching them right just these like they're sitting down their stomach goes to their knees they don't have a lap anymore You know what I mean?
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
It's like when you got that crazy snowstorm, it's like a snowdrift, and they show the person who can't open their door. Yeah, that's them, except it's all fucking donuts and ice cream. And you're just sitting there watching them, and they're cracking open a bottle of wine. One appetizer after another is coming to the table like they just conquered a nation or something.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
They're having a fucking feast. And I used to look at them with contempt. Like, would you look at this fat fuck, right? I don't do that anymore. Now I look at him with, like, envy. Like, that's another way of doing it. Can you imagine just never going on a diet? Never watching your drinking. Never watching, eh, I think I'm smoking too much. You have a craving and you just satisfy it.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
They're such a fucking weird team because then once the 70s went away with all the colorful shit and they got a little more conservative when Ronald Reagan went in there and he starts firing air traffic controllers because they had the audacity to go on strike and wanted to make fucking... you know, get paid their worth. He was like, fuck you. He just fired him.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Your whole fucking life. You get gout at, like, 32. You just drop at 52. You know, looking like you're 86. And then there's all of these people that are eating like edamame and shit, just shaking their heads at your funeral.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
And if you look at like how long the earth has been here and how short your life is, and you're going to get 30 more years than that guy eating fucking edamame and doing sit-ups. And he was just eating fucking banana splits after a Thanksgiving dinner, just not giving a fuck, you know. I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I mean, they say gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, but... I don't know, from where I'm sitting sometimes, it looks like a lot of fun. Anyway, let me do the advertising here for this week. I also got to kind of get off because people are... Sorry, this is going to be late today, but I at least had to get through this shit before I started my rehearsals for the day.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
All right, so I'm gonna do the reads right now. All right, here are the reads for the week. Oh, Squarespace. Hey folks, this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace, man. If you don't know, Squarespace is the all-in-one platform that makes it ridiculously easy to build a professional website, whether you're launching a business, showing off your creative work, or trying to sell something online.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
They got everything you need all in one place. It's so simple that even someone like me, I like how they're suddenly calling me a fucking moron here, but I am. It's so simple that even someone like me who has zero patience for technology, shots fired, can make it look good. These people obviously listen to the podcast.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
And if you're one of those people who's always saying, I got this idea, but I don't know where to start. This is where you start. Let me tell you a few things I think you'll like. Their fancy drag and drop design tool called Fluid Engine. You don't need to know anything about coding or design. Just pick one of their templates and make it your own.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
You want to sell t-shirts with your catchphrases or mugs with your dog's face on them? Squarespace makes it easy. You design it, they handle production, shipping, all that shit. Got video content. They let you organize and showcase it beautifully on your site. You can even sell access to it through member area. So you've got a side hustle like online classes or stand-up clips.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
This is a great way to monetize. Are they telling me I need a second career? Head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or... Damon? I think it's supposed to say domain.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
All right, the next one. SimpliSafe... You know, every 26 seconds, a burglary takes place in the United States according to FBI data. All right, would you just walk in and look at it because they fired everybody? The nerve of this Twitter fucking guy to act like he's firing all these fucking people for us. You know, there's too much waste. Bullshit. You don't want anybody in your way.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Who has a manic episode and starts Sieg Heilig accidentally? I've never seen that. Anyway, that means by the time this podcast ends, dozens of homes have been targeted. Protect your home before it's too late with SimpliSafe's proactive security system. SimpliSafe helps to stop threats before they even have the chance to break in.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Traditional security systems only take action after someone has already broken in. That's too late. SimpliSafe's active guard... Outdoor protection can help prevent break-ins before they happen. AI-powered cameras backed by live professional monitoring agents monitor your property and detect suspicious activity.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I'll tell you right now, the one fucking job, one of the number one jobs you don't want to back up for other than a fucking brain surgeon would be an air traffic controller. I think Stewie could do it. Let's give him a shot. So anyway, it all became conservative again. And then the White Sox, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they have uniforms like the Houston Astros used to have.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Pretty soon those AR-monitored cameras are going to be monitored by AI robots yelling at criminal AI robots that somebody bought to rob your fucking house. And then who goes to jail? The guy who sent the robot or the fucking robot who did it?
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
If someone's lurking around or acting suspiciously, those agents see and talk to them in real time, activate spotlights and even contact the police all before they have the chance to get inside your home. No long-term contracts or cancellation fees. Monitoring plans start affordably at around a dollar a day. 60-day satisfaction guarantee or your money back. Name best home security system by U.S.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
News and World Report five years in a row. Visit simplisafe.com slash bird to get... to claim 50% off a new system with a professional monitoring plan and your first month for free. That's simplisafe.com slash burr. S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E dot com slash burr. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. You know, I took my kids to a museum the other day, right? A kid's museum. And you go in, there's a coat check.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
So they go, just give us your cell phone number. That'll be your coat check thing. It's like, I'm not fucking doing that. How about I give you my name? Oh, we can't do that. So my wife steps in, gives her her fucking number, right? Then we go in. And then the next thing is you have to walk up to an iPad and you have to register and like sign the waiver. It's a fucking kids museum.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
They go, it's just, you know, for our protection against liability. And I go, no, it's not. This is an information suck. And then you're going to turn around and sell that. We don't do that. It's like you don't do that. You don't do that with your little fucking headpiece there. Like you're like you're working the drive through. You don't do that. But the people you work for do.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
This happens more and more. You can't go to any of these fucking places. All they want to do is get all your information. I watch these fucking morons just giving away all their information. Hey, you're going to take your kid into the McDonald's playground. Could I have your social security number? And they just stand there. One, two, three, four, five fucking morons.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Anyway, I was excited that a bunch of people were outside the courthouse when when Luigi was going on trial, you know. Who knows? Maybe he'll get off like Michael Jackson and do a dance on top of a limousine. That was a bad comparison. All right. Let's get to the. There was a Democrat, too. I shouldn't have said Democrat.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
That would just say there was just a politician that was standing up against these fucking idiots trying to get rid of all of this government like they're doing it for all of us to stop waste. It's so they can be even more free to take more fucking stuff from everybody else. I mean, the fact that people at this point, I swear to God.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
You know, if you're a billionaire because of your company, but somebody who works for you is working 40 hours a week and they can't make their rent, that means you're taking too much. Like how fucking hard is that? How fucking hard is that? Anyway, I don't wanna get back on that shit. All right, let's get into this stuff.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
This is only gonna be like a 45 minute podcast because we're getting into rehearsals here really quickly. All right, somebody's writing in here, dry salads. Dear Billy Ruff Ruffage, for the love of God, please put a little olive oil on your salads. Do you know what happens to people who eat dry salads? They start wearing beige corduroys and listen to NPR when they need a little excitement.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
They drive sobs and go to poetry readings. Hey, you watch your fucking mouth. when you bring up Saabs. The fucking Saab twin turbo in the 1980s was like one of the only cars that had balls and was fast. In fact, all the European shit and the Japanese shit, because they de-balled the fucking American shit with the catalytic converter. Oh, wait a minute. You had the Buick Grand National too.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Even like the IROC Z was like 300 horsepower. It's nothing compared to now. Anyways, continuing on. I'm offering you a room in my aunt's house in Sardinia so you can get some healthy fats and vitamin D in your life. Dude, I still eat half an avocado with breakfast. Love you and can't wait to see the play. Did you guys see that woman?
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
She was a vegan and she went to climb Mount Everest because she wanted to prove that just because you're vegan doesn't mean you're not strong. And she died of altitude sickness. So all these fucking idiot meat eaters are like, oh, yeah, she was dying.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
So anyway, so my whole life, I thought that the Red Sox had that red cap for most of the 70s, at least eight seasons. I thought, you know, because you always saw the 1975 World Series highlights with, you know, Carlton Fisk, you know, the Bucky Dent home run in 78. Yeah. So I always assumed that they wore them for like eight seasons.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
She probably was telling you that like and they all ignored the fact that that fucking Mount Everest is littered with the dead bodies of meat eaters for over a fucking century. You don't die up there because of your diet. You're dead because you're at an altitude above a fucking American Airlines flight to Los Angeles. That's why you're dying.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Not because you eat Brussels sprouts or you ate half a fucking cow before you did it. Anyway, they're all up there. They're just fucking dead. And you know what's going to happen with global warming is those bodies are finally going to decompose. And then nobody's going to go up the mountain because it's going to smell so bad for a couple of years until they turn to dust.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
And some of the really old guys, you know, who have the wooden skis and shit, those guys that died in like the 1930s, they're going to decompose in about a fucking week because they're not full of preservatives. And what you're really going to see is sort of like a graph of how poison our fucking diet has become.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
um because there's gonna be a few like that chick who just died who was a vegan who was still eating all of this lettuce and stuff that had all this these carcinogens on them i guarantee you she's gonna look like she's just taking a nap for about six months before she starts getting i'm guaranteeing it with no science background whatsoever all right dirty public saunas All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Dear Bill, you recently talked about how concerned you are using public saunas. This is partially due to sanitary concerns and some discrete levels of homophobia. It's not discrete levels of homophobia. You go there, there's signs that say this thing is closed down because of inappropriate behavior. That's not homophobic. Homophobic would be if it wasn't happening in there.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
OK, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the gay lifestyle. I'm just saying you walk into a sauna. It's a flip of a coin whether or not you're going to walk into a sword fight. Right. Am I nuts? Those signs are just there to be there. Anyway, I too love spending time in the sauna until recently had no issues using public saunas.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I never encountered any men that seem closeted in the sauna, usually just old wrinkly men that want to talk your ear off. Oh, the old guys are hilarious too, and they have no problem walking in there completely fucking naked. Showing their Korean era, Korean war era fucking junk.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
However, my university has a sauna in one of its many physical education buildings and many of the other students don't actually know it's there. Apparently the janitors don't know it's there either. One day in the evening at home, my beautiful young lady noticed a strange looking patch of skin on my left butt cheek, oh God.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Upon further inspection, I realized it was ringworm or something very similar. I treated the skin fungus and forgot about it. Oh my god, this is a horror story here. As I continued to use the sauna, I noticed the same little spots of dirt and little pieces of trash in the corners and on the floor.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Gradually becoming more concerned, I noticed more and more patches of random skin fungus on my legs and ass. Oh no.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
by this point i put the pieces together and realized the sauna was never getting cleaned and likely hosting a variety of nasty funguses and probably more 100 i stopped using the sauna and i immediately noticed i was no longer having mystery skin fungus appear on my beautiful ass and legs suffice to say your fears of saunas being unsanitary are totally valid yeah i go in there with my own flip-flops
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
But I went back and I looked at the team photos because someone was asking me about that. They only wore them in the 75, 76, 77 and 78 seasons. And then that was it. I thought for sure they went the rest of the 70s wear them. But the 79 team, they went back to the blue hats. And I remember, you know, I was just a kid, 10 years old or something when they came back in 79. almost 11, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Bathing suit and a towel wrapped around me. I never go skin to skin contact. You can't do it. You can't do it. Perhaps the skin fungus I picked up was from a couple fellas getting real personal in the steam room after hours. Who knows? Nah, I mean, it's just... People are, I don't know, it's the combination of everybody's bacteria and it's gross.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I'm going to start gagging if I keep talking about it. Anyway, thanks for the laughs and helping me through the toughest of times. Much love and go fuck yourself. Sincerely, your fan. I feel like the best steam rooms are the ones at hotels. You know, I feel like they're really concerned about getting sued. And all of that stuff.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
They actually have signs that say don't stay in there longer than 15 minutes. Kids under the age of 11 or 12 can't go in there. It seems like there's a lot of lawyery kind of shit going on. But I definitely make sure I never go in there. And then the towel that you're wrapped in, you can't ever use that.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
to wipe your face you bring another one in like the hand one and that's the only one that goes up to your face and then that's it and then you go back to your room and you immediately take a fucking shower vigorously oh my god and then you combine that with people banging in there it's just it's just it's fucking wild um all right parking lot puncture
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Hey, Billy Broadway, I wanted to get your opinion on a situation I find myself in after getting hit in a parking lot a couple weeks ago. You got run over or you were in your car? I was sitting in my car while parked in a lot, looking down at my phone when I felt a sudden jolt. I realized I had been hit from behind and got out to see what happened.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
The guy got out and apologizing, saying he was looking the other way and didn't see me. I asked for his insurance info and he spent a couple minutes trying to pull it up on his phone, failing to actually log into his account, claiming he can't remember what his mom had it under. This is a middle-aged man, by the way. So take a picture of his license plate.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
After waiting for him out there as long as I could in the zero degree weather, I asked him if there was anything else he had that I could have as a document, and at least managed to get a picture of his registration and his card for where he works in town. I basically told him I could try and work it
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
out with him if he doesn't want to go through insurance but don't screw me i then got a couple of quotes on my bumper over the next few days and brought them to to his work you could tell he was shocked by the number and to be fair it was a ridiculous amount for what had to be done 1500 to replace the bumper on a subaru dude you just you just the second he's acting like he doesn't have insurance you got to run it through your insurance
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I told him if he needs to spread it over a couple of months, I'll work with him and said if he'd talk it over with his wife and let me know what they can do. Oh my God, nothing in writing. He now emails me a little over a week later and says it'll have to be about four months until he can pay me anything, claiming he has bills. And I get it, but we all have bills.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
He then follows it up with, plus, it's not an emergency if you get it done since you just have... the crack the size of a silver dollar. And while he's exaggerating little on the sides of it, who is he to decide what an emergency is for me? Yeah, because you were nice to the guy. No good deed goes unpunished. It's my favorite expression.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
With how much I've been trying to be nice and work with him, this is the part, what really bothered me. So my question is, how would you respond to this? Yeah, nothing. I would just fucking run it through my insurance company. If it's not too late. I feel like I've given him every bit of grace, yet he's still acting this way, so it doesn't give me hope that he's going to be a man of his word.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I was trying to help him avoid insurance, et cetera, but it looks like I might have to go more of that route." Absolutely you do. Fuck this guy. You try to be a nice guy, he's not being nice back. It's done. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Run it through your insurance, he said, or at least threaten it to see if it helps inspire him. To actually get the money.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
And I was looking at them and they had the blue hats and I was going, I couldn't figure out which team was the Red Sox. I was like, uh, one of the, um, first games of the year. My parents are going like, no, that's, that's what they used to look like. I was like, they did. I had no concept of that. I just thought they always were the red ones.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
No, this guy gets threatened every day by his creditors. He doesn't give a fuck. He's stringing you along, hoping you're going to get bored. I would run it through your insurance, and he's not going to have any insurance. Surprise, surprise. Love seeing you the last time you were in Colorado Springs. Hope you can make it out to Colorado again soon. Thank you, and go rear-end yourself.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Oh, I see what you did. I see what you did there. All right. Oh, boy. Wife cheated on me and got the house back. Oh, the double whammy. Hey, Billy Buffoon Bags. Last May, my wife went away for the weekend and didn't tell me where her and her friends were going. She left me home with our two kids and said, I just want one weekend to refresh myself.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I couldn't understand why she wouldn't just tell me what hotel she was going to. Wow, she was sloppy from the beginning. Cut to a few months later, a friend of mine at work who had only met my wife once saw her at a restaurant cozying up to another guy. Cozying up or making out with him.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
A week after he saw her, he had the opportunity to bring it up to me that he saw her and asked if we were separated. Oh no. Yeah, that's more than cozying up. My heart sunk because I was suspecting this much for some time. I confronted her and she admitted she did. Or at least she admitted it.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
But instead of feeling any remorse, oh boy, she started yelling at me and giving me reasons why it was my fault. I hate to say this, dude. This all tracks. We're now going through a divorce and it looks like she'll be keeping the house and getting half of my 401k retirement. I was once on pace to retire by 55, but those plans are out the window. Oh, my God.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I'm in therapy and trying to get my life together. It's really difficult knowing she's happy and eating well while I'm miserable and have to force myself to eat. Dude, let me tell you something right now.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
okay before i get any further and okay this is what you have to know in life the only person that has the power to put your light out is you don't give that power to her all right you have to understand okay she's an old bag just like you all right but the thing about it is is women are very forgiving so you can go out very easily and get yourself a hot girlfriend she's she's on the other side of the rainbow
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
All right. The only thing she's going to be getting out there is some guy that needs a half a bottle of fucking Viagra just to stay up past 10 o'clock. All right. Who cares? You got a house and a bunch of fucking stuff. OK, there's nothing preventing you from just downsizing a little bit. Just live within your means.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Okay, dude, there's people out there today got into a fucking car accident and they're paralyzed from the neck down. What would you rather have? You want to lay there dealing with that shit? Or you got some fucking broad that went out and cheated on you? Join the fucking club. It's happened to everybody. All right? Fuck her. Fuck her. Get on with your life.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
So anyway, they brought him back for a spring training, which I think is great, man. Um, Like that, I have, I still somewhere, I bought a Mitchell & Ness Jim Rice home jersey where it says, is it the home or the way? It might be the away where it says, it's the away where it's sort of gray. And it says Boston in red with this number 14 on the back. But anyway, anyway, so here I am.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Don't let her take half your 401k and your fucking house and your happiness. You got to have control over something. All right. Anyway, we live in a no-fault state, which means it doesn't matter who committed infidelity or what the reason is. Everything gets split in half.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I understand the state has to be a babysitter for adults in these situations, and hearing out each side can be subjective, but it still sucks. Dude, there's an end to this. There's an end to child support and there's also an end to alimony. Okay? And this person's going to be out of your life. He said, I'm kind of a quiet person. I know it's going to be hard for me to meet another woman.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I would really like some advice or encouragement. Yeah, dude, you know what? This is your opportunity to stop being a quiet person. The same way as a comedian. The turning point in a comedian is when you start finding the humor in bombing.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
When you can go on stage with the hope that this shit's going to make people laugh and then they don't and how stupid you feel afterwards, if you can get outside the pain of that, it starts to become funny. And then what happens is rather than being like a running back in the NFL, running upright, taking all the hits, it becomes like glancing blows.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
And you know when to step out of bounds and fucking laugh at yourself or whatever, to use a football analogy. All right? There's no fucking reason. This isn't the end, dude. This is the beginning. Okay? And maybe because you were such a quiet person, you ended up with the kind of person that ends up cheating on you and then yells at you. All right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
You listen, your life is going to be so much better. And I guarantee you, there's a woman out there that went through the same bullshit with some fucking asshole guy. All right. And when you guys get on the other side of this and you find each other, you know, and you're both going to respect each other, you're going to trust each other.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
You're going to have a great time in a fucking Jimmy Buffett pool at one of his goddamn hotels before you whatever the fuck you're into. All right. OK, but you decide. Don't let her fucking decide. Don't ever let these fucking assholes, whoever they are, your boss, anybody, decide whether or not you get to enjoy your life. All right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Anyways, this person said, I would never be writing to you except my cousin told me to consider what Bill Burr would do or say, ah, look at this, and get my confidence back. I know there's no easy fix to this. No, there isn't. There isn't. And you got to go through this. You got to cry this shit out of you. I'm not saying you got to do it in front of other men. We're not comfortable with that.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
But, you know, the reason why women live longer than us is when they go through heartache, they cry it out and they talk it out. So you do that. OK, she already took half your 401k in your fucking house. Don't let her take your life, too, or your enjoyment. All of those decisions are yours. All right. So have yourself a good cry.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Sit up straight and get out there and start talking to some broads and turn your fucking life around. All right. Don't get married again. Not for a while. Get the fucking NFL package. There's a bunch of little things. You forget how simple you were before a woman was in your life. What do you need? What do you need? Fucking L-shaped couch. Pull out fucking bed. Finishing up my podcast. Sorry.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
All right. I got to wrap this up. Pull out bed and a fucking flat screen TV and the sports packages is in your good. Or whatever, maybe go to a museum and be able to talk about paints and attract a sophisticated broad. All right, that's the podcast. I got to get out of here. People are showing up. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I'm seeing my family. I saw them this weekend, which was unbelievable. I think I spent the whole weekend just wrestling with my kids. All these different games we play, playing soccer and doing all that. So it's so great to go out to Los Angeles and then come right back. But I'm going to be doing that a lot. Um, I somehow didn't catch my son's cold.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I'd like hand sanitizer in that fucking Zycam shit. Just stuck in both nostrils the whole time I came back. I somehow didn't get the, uh, I didn't get it. I got to see my lovely wife who looked more beautiful than I've ever seen her in my life. Um, I'll tell you what was wild. I actually had a dream the other night that my wife left me. I don't know why. I think it had to do with me.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
And back in the day, the B was also blue to match the bill. Now they have it white. But, you know, I was talking to one of my buddies because when we first watched the Red Sox, that's what their uniforms look like. The 70s, baseball 70s movies. They match the cereal that you were eating in the morning. My whole childhood was like looking at a giant bowl of like Fruit Loops or Trix.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Before you fucking dream catchers out there try to tell me what this means, it's because I was missing her. Before you guys were like, you're thinking that because it's going to happen or whatever. But I remember it was this weird fucking dream. And all I kept thinking was like... It was like beyond heartache that she left me. It was just more like, what am I going to do?
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Like, what the fuck is my life without this person? And I just think... Yeah, I had just gone my limit as far as not seeing her. Because, yeah, she's like my fucking... Beyond my wife. She's like my best friend. She's funny as hell. She's like the best hang you're ever going to have. And... So that was the hard thing, trying to balance that. Because my kids wanted to see me so bad.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
So I had to wait until they went to bed. And then... you know, just hearing her laugh again. It's my, my favorite laugh in the world, making her laugh. So anyway, so now I'm back to New York and, um, it's funny. I went in to get a cup of coffee at this great place. These Italian guys run, um, just old school, just cranking out double espressos. You know what I mean?
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
They got the shit ready, ready to come in. And, uh, Somebody was saying in there how great it is because it's like 40 fucking degrees out. Oh, my God. The next three days are going to be 40 degrees. It's fucking great. I'm thinking my head like, dude, this isn't great. This isn't great. It's supposed to be fucking cold. Any weird weather is fucking freaks me out like this shit's coming faster.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
than the scientists thought it was gonna or whatever. Like, I don't know. I don't know. But I was you know, I don't watch the news because all it does is freak you out. But I was walking by, you know, it's impossible not to see news in New York because they're always like there's always some big screen with that stupid stock market thing going on underneath it.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
As you walk down the street, you just see it. Right. So I saw this headline. I think it was at a restaurant or something. I just saw this headline. Is it still safe to fly? Yeah. The shameless fucking media. I love when they're trying to just scare the shit out of you to just like get you to watch something. They never have the balls to just make a statement. They always do it in a question.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Is this the new America? Should we be worried about this? Is it still where we write when we blah, blah, blah. You know. Like, why would you listen to people that are that unsure of themselves? They're going to scare the fucking shit out of you with literally with just a question. that they know in their head has an element of bullshit. So they gotta like protect themselves from libel or slander.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
So they just present it in the question form. Or what it is, is if you present this information in a question form, all of these mouth breathing morons just jump on the, I don't think it's safe to fly anymore. I will tell you what was fucked up was that plane that flipped over. In like Canada or something. And the fa- I watched this video.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
This fucking kid is already videoing as he's getting out of an airplane. He just landed on it. It's upside down. I know it's the end of the flight, but there's still enough fuel in the thing. If that ignites, you're gonna burn to death. Like this fucking human kebab in there. In this fucking thing. And he's filming.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
As he's getting out, he's not thinking like, oh my God, get me out, please God, get me out of here so I don't burn to death. Get me out of this thing before I hear the screams of other people starting to catch on fire. He doesn't think that. He's filming leaving the fucking turned over airplane and then he gets away from it and his description of his experience
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Like if it was dialogue in the movie was the worst dialogue I've ever heard. He was just in an airplane. He's landing safely. It suddenly flips over. He thinks he's going to die. He doesn't. He's hanging upside down from a seatbelt. He's thinking, am I going to be in the air like a fucking rotisserie chicken and get burned to death? Is this what's going to happen?
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
It was just nuclear orange and reds, yellows and greens. It was fucking incredible. It was just like, I just think enough people in the right positions in life had taken LSD. Or maybe it was their misinterpretation of what LSD was. And everything was like fucking psychedelic. Like the Houston Astros. I mean, good Lord.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
He goes through all of those emotions. And this is his dialogue when he gets off. He's like, yo, what the fuck? Yo, I was on that shit. Like we didn't just see him video going out of it. And that's all he could come up with was different versions of yo, what the actual fuck. Now here's the thing. I'm not looking at this guy like he's a fucking moron.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
What I'm looking at him as is like that what he's doing is in me. Because I sit here and I'm scrolling on Instagram like every other social media monkey out there for hours on end. Rather than watching a movie, at least a good movie, or read a book, or connect with my wife. I'm sitting next to her as we're both sitting there scrolling. And it's starting to affect people's vocabulary.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Like, he was speaking in Instagram comments. Like, that was his language. I mean, I get it if you're stunned and you can't, like, talk. But the way he was describing, he sounded like he saw somebody get dunked on. Yo, what the fuck? Oh, shit. Like, if you read the dialogue... And there was three options. He just saw somebody get dunked on. He just saw somebody get knocked out.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Or he landed in a Delta Airlines flight that inexplicably flipped over. He was hanging from his seatbelt, thought he was gonna burn to death, and by the grace of God, didn't. What do you, I mean, there's no way you're guessing C, first. Anyway, so God bless that kid. I'm glad he's still alive.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
But there was definitely a life lesson in there that all I got out of that is I need to fucking read more. One of the things I want to do when I'm in New York here is I want to start going to museums and I want to educate myself on painters. And this is a combination of the influence... of my wife because she's super smart and she takes me to those places and it's starting to take hold and
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I saw this that that documentary on Steve Martin and it was something about him someone telling a story and he went to a museum for some premiere and he could name every painting he could name every I'm doing my podcast sorry I'm at work right now yeah yeah I'm only gonna go for like another half hour okay is that all right yeah yeah just for another half yeah so anyway he could edge he knew all
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I fucked up. I thought rehearsal was today was at 1015. It wasn't until noon. So now I'm sitting here like an asshole. Anyway, so he could name all the paintings. He could name all the painters and all of that. And there was something about it.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
that resonated with me where I was just like, this is what human beings could do before like a hundred channels or endless streaming or the fucking internet. And I know I'm a meathead, but I could at least be an informed meathead. You know what I mean? So the artist I like the best, I can't remember his fucking name. It's Edward something or other. He's the one who did Nighthawks.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
That uniform, the orange hat, and then whatever the fuck was going on in the shirt was amazing. The Pirates with the all yellow. From the batting helmet all the way down to the black cleats. Everything in it was this fucking amazing yellow. The Cardinals had that great...
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
And all of that. You know that classic painting that every bar seems to have where it's like you're across the street looking in at this diner and people are sitting in there drinking. And it's sort of this melancholy... He's a realist or realism or something like that. So, I don't know. I just... I do know this about me. I don't like art that's built.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
Like, I don't want to see, like, somebody, like, you know, like, weld a fucking office chair to a grocery cart, you know, and then stick an umbrella on top, open, but it's broken, man. And it's, you know, it's commenting on the grind of capitalism. Like, I'm not into that shit at all. That stuff, you can take it right to the dump. OK, that's that's what that shit looks like to me.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
OK, I'm not saying I'm right. All right. I just I just. Yeah, it's a waste of fucking space. But I'm more into like I like the the realist stuff. I like the surrealist shit now that I've taken some mushrooms and it's kind of like, you know, that psychedelic thing. I like that stuff. I appreciate that shit. How fucking dumb do I sound? This is why I have to go to museums. All right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
And it's not really even for me. It's just for the people in my life so they're less embarrassed when I open my mouth at a party. You see what I just did there? I just made myself a hero. An empathetic character as I navigate my own stupidity that others have to fucking deal with. So... Anyway, we're getting closer with the play here.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
We're getting closer to previews, so it's getting really exciting. Oh, Billy Jimbaud. Oh, my God. The fucking damage I did to my torso. Holy shit. It's just unbelievable. Like, I have fat in places I didn't even know you could have fucking fat. I was sitting there going, like, my stomach isn't sticking out.
Monday Morning Podcast
Dreams, Filming a Disaster, Divorce Laws | Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-25
I bought one of those, one of those, those fucking, those, you know, those things that people, when they take your sizes at the, at the dry cleaner. What do you call that? Not a tape measure. Whatever. A measuring tape. There we go. Look at that. Just talking about the museums. I remember what that thing was called. I bought one of those. Oh, my God. Have you done that?
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 17th, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. Oh boy, here we go. I've told you this for years, man. Fucking amateur night. Amateur, amateur, amateur fucking night. I don't even know if people do it. They're saying that the young kids today, they don't drink as much.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
The old man nap is better than the second cup of coffee. Better than it could ever be. And then if you only have one cup of coffee a day, it's special. You know? You're not just fucking sucking it down like, you know, the police chief and all of those cop shows I watched growing up. Yelling at you, man, that's not good enough.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Right? And then they all would act like they wouldn't say anything. Just like me, when that guy walked with his dogs not on the leash that came up. Then they would all walk out and be like, what was that? Nothing, sir. There has to be a name for that.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
The muttering you do when you want to tell someone to go fuck yourself, but you don't want to lose your job, or you don't want to get your ass kicked, or whatever fucking reason. We've got to come up with a name for that. You know how the Germans came up with schadenfreude, which is taking pleasure out of somebody else's misfortunes. Sorry.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Anyway, so I start walking up the east side, and I made sure I had absolutely nothing to do yesterday. I wanted to have one whole day where I had nothing to do. So I'm walking up the Upper East Side, and I end up having to buy a charger, had to walk into a bar.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
You got to get out of the building to get away from it. Oh, my God. What do you think there's more of? More people saying they're a DJ when they're not? Or thinking they're a fucking DJ? I have a podcast. What do you do? I, you know, I remodel houses. I do a podcast with one of the other remodelers. Today we're going to talk about how to really fucking hang up some drywall.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
plug it into an outlet stand there like an asshole for like five minutes and then i said okay i see where it is so i'm walking up to go to my buddy's place and all of a sudden i wasn't even thinking the neighborhood started and then i was on third ave and the neighborhood started looking familiar and i got to 86th street i was like holy shit 86th Street. I remember this.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
The southwest corner used to be this bank called the Republic National Bank. That's where I did my banking. And then across the street was an empty lot. It used to be The Wiz. Old school New Yorkers remember The Wiz. The Wiz was like fucking... I don't know what you would... I guess sort of like a Best Buy meets a Radio Shack kind of thing. Um... That's why you bought your Sony Discman.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I mean, this is like before the fucking... The iPod even came out. Before the iPod was even in your radio. Before people even had cell phones. Any sort of electronics, you went to an electronics store. And everybody would go in there. That was the fucking place. It was as popular as like the sneaker store. You got your sneakers here. You went over there. You got your fucking electronics.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And then I was living with Bobby Kelly. And he was so into technology that he knew places that were beyond the whiz. Which blew my mind. Because I didn't think there was anything beyond. I was like someone who listened to the radio. So I just knew all the fucking, the popular shit. I knew the top 40 places. And he knew the indie bands.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And it is not worth anything. No, he usually knew the good technology, but he was so on the cutting edge that he would get shit that he thought was going to be the next big thing, and it wasn't. So he convinced me to buy a mini disc player. And that was going to take over... And I get his thinking. It's like, dude, it's fucking smaller. And that's what everything became, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Remember the first flat screen TV? I mean, the thing was like fucking six inches thick. It was unreal. It was fucking, I don't know what. And they were like 11 grand, if you can believe that. And I saw those things. So everybody wanted one. And there was only a few shows that were actually, most shows were still filming in the square TV format.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
So even if you got the flat screen TV, there was only a couple of shows that were whatever that format was called. So they were 11 grand. Then they came down to, you know, like 9,800 or whatever. And then they were down to eight grand. And I just remember thinking, all right. I've seen this before.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I remember, I'm old enough to, I remember when calculators first came out and they were a hundred bucks, something crazy. And then within like six years of that, they had these solar ones, um, That they gave to you free when you got a full tank of gas. Back in the day, they used to give away... They used to give away... You used to get gifts if you got a full tank of gas at a gas station.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
It was fucking amazing. They would have local sports teams, cups, mugs and shit that you could collect. It was amazing. McDonald's had these glasses you could buy with all their characters. And the next year, they had the ones in actions. But the best ones were just the regular ones. And those things, so funny.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
McDonald's glasses with like the grimace, Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar and all of that shit on them. And that was considered fine China in my house. And we would only break them out on birthdays. And whoever was the birthday boy or the birthday girl, you got to pick which McDonald's glass you want. The big discussion in my house was that the McDonald's,
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
inaction glasses were not as good they didn't look as good and they weren't as high quality as the um the originals um anyway jesus so i ended up going up there and then i'm walking up and i remember there was um oh fuck what the hell was it called there was there was a live music place up there called somebody's car wash and um Me and Bobby went in there one night with somebody else.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Like that fucking thing. It is kind of wild how all of this happened. Like, in my lifetime, I am old enough to remember when people said that they wouldn't move to L.A. because everybody is so plastic and fake.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And it was like a fucking open mic night. And they said, is there a drummer in the house? And Bobby looked right at me. He's like, dude, dude, you got to go up there, bro.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
dude and i was just like no no no i was i was too i was too like fucking i was too scared to go up there and um and then i remember like you know thinking like the next day like i should have just fucking gone up there why didn't i do that why do i always fucking shy away from shy that was the old me that was the old me i used to shy away from those things now but you know what it was it was all of those times like chickening out is what we used to call it um
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
That feeling afterwards was, I just knew. I finally figured out. I was like, dude, the feeling after of not having the balls to do something is going to be way worse than going up there and actually failing. And not having the balls to do something, that's a life sentence. You carry that for me. I still remember that fucking guy giving me shit with his stupid fucking dogs. Yeah.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
To the point my brain fucking is lying to me. Is creating a new memory in there. And I got to override my best. That's not what happened. Or my ego. My ego? Or maybe because I'm on a podcast, I just immediately went into fucking... I'm too embarrassed to let you guys know that I pussied out. Well, guess what? I did. So anyway, that was... And I kept walking. Up that street, and I went by.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
There was an AMC, which I'm so happy to say is still there. And I used to go there. I went there to the movies on hot summer nights because I didn't have any AC. And, oh, my God. I finally got one. I finally just got an air conditioner in this comedian, Greg Carey. I ended up doing a construction show and also bought a brownstone.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I remember back in the day and redid a brownstone up in Harlem when they were like fucking 100 grand. But anyway, he came in and he put the thing in. And then I had a railroad apartment. And then my roommate said, all right, well, you're going to have to pay this extra electric fee or whatever. And I was like, dude, I don't give a fuck. Because I had the walk-through bedroom.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Now, I know people still say that, but people, you got to stop with the plastic and fake shit, with the level of Botox, fake lips, Brazilian butt lifts, Turkish fucking hair systems that are like, they're just all over the country. Everybody's walking around acting like they got to be camera ready.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Man, okay, I'm going down memory lane here. I had the walk-through bedroom, right? Which was really just a sitting room. There was just enough room to have like a single. And I mean like a kid's single. And then there was a window at the foot of my bed. And there was this little space, and then there was another window. And that window looked into my roommate's bedroom. So we had the shades down.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
So I would try to open that window, not understanding cross ventilation. It was like I was at the bottom of a chimney. Because I lived on the first floor of like a six-floor walk-up. So there was no breeze to be had. So then what I would try to do is sleep out in the living room on the couch. Because there was one window out there that sort of faced the back courtyard.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And... But the thing was, when you had that window open, it was just... It just nothing worked. Because you needed the cross ventilation to draw the air in, right? And I just... I guess the only way I could do it is if I opened the door to my apartment. And then I would have to... I'm not going to go to sleep. You know... Somebody could just walk in.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And then also, there was some guy, like, once every two, three months, he would get into it with his wife or girlfriend. And the level that this guy was screaming, I was just waiting to hear a gunshot. I mean, it was fucking nuts. So, anyway. But I was...
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
walking up there and they still have a barnes and nobles up up there and i went in and i bought that play othello because remember i was telling you i was like i want to go see denzel um you know i mean denzel one of the greatest actors of all time you just walk into this theater and watch him acting live you don't get to do that You don't get to do that a lot.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
So I said, I got to go see this shit. But I'm intimidated by this Shakespeare shit. And here you go. I bought this book. No fear, Shakespeare. It's Othello. So on one page, they have it written as the original. And then on the right-hand page, they have it written in modern English. So I've been reading both. And guess what? This Shakespeare shit is not as hard as I remember.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
So I just made a rule in my head because when I was in high school and I had massive, massive fucking... I couldn't focus at all in high school for whatever fucking reason. I'm not going to get into the reasons. But... You know, I couldn't read regular English. Forget about this shit. I had no fucking idea what was going on. And I was a mess emotionally, so there was not enough place.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
You know, back in the day, you used to be able to age naturally if you were like a substitute teacher. You didn't have to walk in like you were going to fucking looking like you were going to make a movie in the valley. You know? I don't understand why women keep getting their fucking lips done for the simple fact that these doctors, for whatever reason, they only know how to do one procedure.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
But in my head, I just made this rule a long time ago that old Freckles was too stupid to understand Shakespeare. And now it's kind of fun. I think I also like trying to learn French. And sometimes they throw in a couple new words and you just look at it and you try to guess what it means. Sometimes you get it, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you're kind of halfway there.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
It's helped me with this stuff. And not only am I enjoying reading the original version of it, it's got some fucking hilarious, hilarious ways of saying things. Like... They don't say, like, you know, to go around town, like, talking shit about somebody. You know what that's in Shakespeare? I'm going to proclaim you in the streets. There's another line in there. Talking about, you know...
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
This guy's trying to start these rumors. This whole play is just this one guy. This guy is just gaslighting everybody because he got passed over for a higher ranking by Othello. And yes, this is what the podcast has come to. Fucking Bill Burr is talking about Shakespeare. Make sure I get all of this here. So what he does is he just starts going around trying to start these fucking rumors.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
You know, I'll get people drunk so they do dumb shit. Sorry, I got to put the mic down here. Oh, here we go. Iago, I-A-G-O is this dude's name. Yeah, he was passed over. You know, the Casio dude got the job that he wanted by Othello. Othello is married to Desdemona. And, you know, with a name like that, she's going to be high maintenance, right? It's kind of funny the way they describe her.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
They say the daughter of the Venetian senator, Brabantio, Desdemona and Othello are secretly married before the play begins. While in some ways stereotypically pure and meek, Desdemona is also determined and self-possessed. In other words, now that she's married, she's going to become the woman that she always was. I'm kidding. So anyways, Othello, I didn't know this, is a Moor, so he's African.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And they say all this racist shit about him or whatever. But it's so funny the way they write it in the book. It says, the play's protagonist and hero, Othello, is the highly respected general of the armies of Venice. Although he is not a native of Venice, but rather a Moor or North African, he is an eloquent and powerful figure.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
respected by all around him in spite of his elevated status othello is nevertheless easy to pray to insecurities because of his age his life as a soldier and this is my favorite and his self-consciousness about being a racial and cultural outsider i like how they put it on like it's not that the italians are being racist towards him but he's such a good general that they need him um
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
It's not that they're being racist to him. It's more that Othello is self-conscious because he doesn't look like other people where he lives. So anyway, when Iago is trying to suggest that somebody has slept with somebody else's wife... At one point, the way he says it, he said, you know, this, whatever, this ensign and this woman made the beast with two backs. I mean, it's fucking amazing.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
So everybody gets the exact same lips. So you're like, oh, those are those fake lips I keep saying.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Who would have ever thought in all of these years, dumbass Bill Burr would actually enjoy reading. And this fucking story is like... I mean, this is some, like, this is a trashy summer read. I mean, this is just all backbiting, fucking, it's unreal. And immediately, the way William Shakespeare write this, you fucking hate this guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I think Jake Gyllenhaal is playing that character, the guy gaslighting everybody. You're like, this guy's a fucking piece of shit. but then he's going to get everybody going. So now all I'm wondering is who's going to get stabbed. And they say that Othello then gets wildly jealous about his wife. Um, and then like, he's like, he's much older. So maybe that's what it is.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
He's worried that his younger wife's going to go off with one of these younger soldiers. I have no fucking idea, but, um, I already read the first hundred pages last night, and I don't read quickly. And I was just, you know, I'll just read to page 60. I'll just read to page 70.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
fake lips they're like remember those baby on board signs that you used to wave at you in the back of the car right oh no it was a triangle baby on board that's the same thing was the same fucking thing or like a pair of crocs you're doing that with body parts god made you unique i'm going with the lord today right whatever it is made you unique you look different all right I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Anyway, this is the best thing you can do, I think, if you're a dum-dum like me, is you go out and buy the book, read the play so you know what it's about, read both the Shakespeare and the English, and then go see the play. And that's what I'm going to do. Very excited to see it. You know, it was funny. Somebody in one of the local papers here was like,
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
saying that the tickets were too expensive but then in the front of their paper they're they're fucking kissing uh the twitter guy's ass i i don't know i just don't i there's nothing in this fucking world makes sense to me right now you know if you stick up for the working man like i've done in a couple of interviews i get called a communist and then meanwhile our president is in bed with the russians
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Like someone do that fucking math and explain to me how that works out. It's just it's beyond me. Oh, my God. And how we're going to allow billionaires. To fucking start a civil war in this country because they're not happy with the way the country works and they're billionaires. It's like, how much better could it be working for you? All right, I'm not going down that fucking road.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Anyway, so I'm really excited to go see this play now. Yeah, I can't, you know. In so many ways, going through school is a great thing, and then it's also a really bad thing. I think at some point there should be like an exit interview. After you do 12 grades of public school, there should be an exit interview.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
If you have the ability to honestly talk about yourself afterward and be like, how do you view yourself? After going through these grades and going through being with other kids, getting bullied, getting beat up, flunking classes, you know, whatever your home life, how do you view yourself? Because some of the fucking rules that you make in your head, you know. I didn't think I liked reading.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I thought it was stupid. I didn't think I could understand Shakespeare. I thought I was a loser. This is how I felt after 12 years of fucking school. I didn't think any girl would like me. I had made all of these fucking rules in my head. Because of the way shit was playing out from, like, first grade. You know, by junior high, middle school, you already got the rules in your head.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
You're like, all right, I know my place. I know where I'm at, you know, whatever.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
um i'm gonna get to a fight i'm gonna lose i'm gonna take a math class i'm gonna flunk this there's a pretty girl she's not gonna like me i just had like all of that shit through you know experiences i don't know moving around being the new kid with fucking orange hair you know i made a lot of fucking rules in my head and they were all bullshit um
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And I don't mean that I grew as a person over time. I grew as a person over time to realize they were bullshit. But they were bullshit in real time. In real time. I could have won fights that I lost. I could have passed those. I could have done all of that shit if I just believed that I could. But you just get it in your fucking head. You don't know to not listen to other kids.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
When other kids say you're a loser, you go, all right, I guess. I always thought that that was the funniest insult. Oh, that kid's a loser. How are you already a loser? We're in sixth grade. Everything he touches turns to shit. You don't want to open a business with that fucking 11-year-old. Anyway, so there's some advice for you.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Go back and revisit something you thought you sucked at in school or that you didn't like. Like maybe you thought you didn't like reading. Maybe you didn't like reading. Maybe you didn't like what they were telling you you had to read. And so on and so forth. And just go, I don't know, just go undo all of that shit. What a fucking way to go through life.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Live your whole life the way you were perceived by other children in fourth or fifth grade. Like, I guess that's who I am. Anyway. Anyway. I literally bought, when I was buying that book, Othello, I went right back to when I was reading that shit in high school. I still remember what the book looked like. The English literature book. Oh, my God. I'm reading Beowulf and everything.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I mean... I don't know how some of these people do. Like, when people just go, like... When they go all in. You know? I would never ask somebody this. But it just is... In a voyeuristic way, watching this shit. On some of these shows my wife used to watch. My wife is off the reality TV. It's amazing. It's fucking amazing.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And Beowulf was just like this poem or some shit like that. And I remember I read it. I just kept reading it. I was like, I have no fucking idea what this is about. And they go, anybody, uh, said you guys already bailed? And then people, like, raising their hands, and they could, like, talk about it. And then, you know, I don't know. Whatever. Ah, the human brain.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Anyway, let's do some reads here for the week. Uh... What is this show? Oh, wait, I have another announcement. Wednesday, July 9th, London, at the Eventum Apollo. Artist pre-sale starts Wednesday, March 19th at 10 a.m. local time. All tickets are on sale Friday, March 21st at 10 a.m. local time. That show that I'm doing in London at the Apollo is a benefit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Um, the proceeds are going to go to, um, Glenn Tipton's, uh, he has a charity to raise money for, uh, Parkinson's research. So all money is going to that. Uh, I have a special musical guests that is going to be opening up and it's going to be a really fun night. A couple of comedians, an amazing music act and myself and, um, Yeah, all proceeds are going to be going towards Parkinson's research.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
This is something that I've wanted to do since before the pandemic. Then the pandemic came. Me and my wife welcomed our beautiful baby boy. I got busy. I had to finish a movie and everything. So I'm finally... Because I got in touch with the people over there, said I wanted to do it. And I'm finally going to do it, which is a fucking great thing here. So... There is that.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Oh, and also, Old Freckles, my stand-up special, Drop Dead Years, is streaming now on Hulu. Been getting all kinds of amazing feedback about it, which is great. And last week, I think after Thursday's show, I went down to Lenny Penny's room. Greatest name in show business. I usually do her room in... I used to do the belly room for her in, um, LA. She's from New York.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
She came out, said, I'm going to be doing this show. It's second city out in Brooklyn. I went out there and just had an amazing time and, um, did all of this new stuff, had a killer fucking set and, uh, I'm excited to get back out there again this week. I've got to have the all-new stuff. I've got to have all-new stuff, man. The special's out. All right, let's do the reads here.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
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Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
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Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
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Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
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Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
No more laminated face, fucking fake lips, fake ass, fake titty chicks screaming at each other. When I come home, oh my God. I used to fucking come up to the door, you know, I could hear it, you know, the living room was like right there. Come walking in. Remind me as a kid, you know, coming home to the house, mom and dad yelling at each other, you know, or your neighbors screaming at each other.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Review website traffic, learn where to focus engagement, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales all in one place. Go to, it says head to, go to, check out squarespace.com slash your unique URL. Oh, I guess we were supposed to add something there. For a free trial, and when you're ready to... I don't give a fuck. Just go to squarespace.com.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
That's squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code BUR to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Jesus Christ. That's some of the driest reading I've ever had. All right, one more. This actually seems interesting here. Fast-growing trees...
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Did you know fast-growing trees is the biggest online nursery in the United States with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers? Fast-growing trees, what do you do? You put them on meth like the Nazis did with their fucking soldiers? Do you think the Twitter guy is going to have his Twitter employees on meth so they can work three days straight?
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
So we could have even more money. They have all the plants your yard needs, like fruit trees, privacy trees, flowering trees, shrubs, and so much more. I like privacy trees. They're like the fucking security. The bouncers of the fauna world. Look at that word coming out of nowhere. Fast-growing trees makes it easy to get your dream yard.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Order online and get your plants delivered directly to your door in just a few days without ever leaving home. They're alive and thrive. Guarantee ensures your plants arise happy and healthy. Plus, get support from trained plant experts on call to help you plan your landscape. Choose the right plant and learn how to care for them. Big yard, small yard, no yard.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
We've got over 6,000 plants to fit any space, from indoor plants to fruit trees to full-sized privacy trees and more. Their 14-point quality check ensures you're getting the best quality plants possible. Each plant is cared for individually based on their needs, from watering routines to the amount of sunlight, giving your plants the care they deserve.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
from the time they start growing to when they ship to your home. You don't have to drive around to nurseries and big garden centers and choose plants from a limited assortment. Fast-growing trees makes it easy to order online and your plants are delivered to your door in just a few days.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Whether you're looking to add privacy, shady, your shady character, or a redhead, or natural beauty to your yard, Fast Growing Trees has in-house experts ready to help you make the right selection with plant experts on call to offer growing care and advice. And other things.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
You can talk to a plant expert about the soil type, landscape design, how to take care of your plants and everything else you need. No green thumb required. Every plant comes with instructions and tips to care for. to take care of your new plants so they can grow to their fullest potential. This spring, they have the best deals for your yard, up to half off on selected plants and other deals.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And listeners to our show get 15% off their first purchases when they use the code BURR at checkout. That's an additional 15% off. At FastGrowingTrees.com, using the code Burr at checkout. FastGrowingTrees.com. Now is the perfect time to plant. Use Burr to save online today. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. All right, so Billy Freckles. Oh, Billy Freckles.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
When he wasn't reading some Shakespeare, I watched a little bit of... Sports yesterday, I cut the end of Florida-Tennessee. I watched Michigan beat Wisconsin. I watched the MotoGP. I watched the Saturday sprint race. And then I watched the race on Sunday in Argentina. Jesus Christ. Not only Mark Marquez, how about the Marquez brothers? Mark and Alex just dominating.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Absolutely dominating this entire season so far. Mark has like a fucking, I think a 30-point lead already or something crazy. Or 30 points on his teammate Pecco. Yeah. And then I like, I guess, Pedro Acosta, the rookie sensation last year. They don't have his bike dialed in, so he's getting upset. That Japanese kid went from 15th place all the way up to 8th place.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And last year's defending champion, Johan Mir, I always forget how to say his fucking name. He only won the championship last year. I guess Suzuki doesn't have a team this year, so now he's riding for Honda. So they're trying to figure this shit out. But it's crazy. This is like when Marquez was riding with Honda before he got the injuries and everything. Nothing much to report. It's just...
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
It's a lot of screaming. Wasn't a lot of AC. That was a luxury. So the original DJs that you couldn't get away from when I was growing up were moms and dads screaming at each other with the fucking windows open. I used to always feel bad for my friends when that happened. I just want to be like, hey, man, you know, my parents do it too. They all do it. There's no therapy. There was one book.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
He's just winning everything. He's getting the pole, he's winning the sprint, and he's winning the races. And the only person that's been able to ride with him is his brother, Alex. Even Pecco's been like, you know, second and a half off the pace, which is like, in that world, is a big deal. And I watched the F1. F1 in 30 minutes. I wanted to see Lewis Hamilton...
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
in a Ferrari Lewis Hamilton, who I owe an apology to. Cause I was always going, this guy's a fucking baby, man. He expects things out of his teammate that he's not willing to do. You know, like when he was driving with Botas, like if Botas was in the lead and he needed him to do something, he wouldn't do it. And I would be like, man, that's fucking bullshit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And then I saw somebody else do it yesterday. So I guess you always have like the star and then the understudy on every, uh, on every racing team. So, um, the McLaren team. I don't know what happened. All of a sudden they're dominating everything. And, uh, it was kind of cool. I like those, those races when it rains and they actually have like the tires with the treads on them.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I always liked that shit. And then there's that crazy thing of like, is the rain going to stop? Is it going to start back up? And people decide to stay. That was the most exciting part of the race is when, um, Max Verstappen and Lewis Hamilton decided to stay out when everybody else pitted.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
You know? It makes sense. Weed's legal. Mushrooms are readily available. You know? What do the kids do today? They do something. Some sort of drug and they put it on a Q-tip or a tampon and they stick it in their ass and they go, let's do a fucking DJ. You know, every... Every generation has their way. They get high. And as an older person, you have to respect that.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Lewis Hamilton went from eighth place to second, and then Max came in, and then Lewis Hamilton was in first place. I'm like, oh my God, is he going to fucking win this? This would be great. The first race of the year, he's with Ferrari. Ferrari's back. Lewis Hamilton's back. What's Max Verstappen going to do? Evidently, McLaren is great now. This is going to be great.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And then what happened is it started raining, and then Lewis had to go in, and then he went back down to like eighth. I think he finished like tenth. And I'll be honest with you, I don't even know the name of the fucking guys on the McLaren team. I stopped watching it a while ago when it was just like... Lewis Hamilton was winning every race.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And then I remember it was people like, oh, now there's this new kid, you know, Max Verstappen. And then like two years ago, Max Verstappen won every race. It's just, yeah, I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
It's just once you watch MotoGP and you see all the passing and everything, although I will say the first two races have been a little boring because Marc Marquez on it, the factory Ducati is so much faster than everybody else. But there was still some great racing, um, that they, they finally had to cut to in show, um, in the middle of the pack. Um, but anyway, so I'm into that.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
You got March madness is coming up. And what else do we got? We got, uh, baseball seasons coming up. The Red Sox are making a move. It's funny. The Yankees are all like fucking injured and shit. And, uh, The Yankees fan base and the Lakers fan base, and I'd say basketball is in a worse situation. The Lakers being bad isn't just bad for Lakers fans.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
It's actually bad for the NBA because that's how they've built their business. They've literally abandoned cities. And this goes back almost 30 years. This goes back to, like, when Kobe Bryant gets drafted by, you know, the Charlotte Hornets. Right? And never even goes there. Just goes, yeah, I'm not playing for that organization. And the NBA goes, okay. All right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
It was like how to win friends and influence people. Like that was the only self-help or that was it. And then somehow in the 80s, I think the Chicken Soup for the Soul came out. And it was a huge hit. And then they wrote like 40 other ones. They made them more like specific. It was really bad watching that person sell out. Like, you know, they came out, the first one, chicken soup for your soul.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Now, I get the decision by Kobe Bryant not wanting to play there. But, like... You know, like football, how it works in football anyways, is if you suck, then you get the number one draft pick and then your team can be good and they can win a Super Bowl.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
But the way the NBA does it, it's like a caste system where it's like, you know, the Lakers are royalty and the Charlotte Hornets are never going to be good. They're just never going to be good. They might accidentally... get a late round thing player. And what is a late round in the NBA? The second round? There's only a couple rounds every year, right? That pans out and becomes a star.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
But that kid is just going to end up on one of the elite squads. We'll just end up on Golden State, the Miami Heat. Who else? The Lakers are allowed to be good. Celtics are allowed to be good. Like, they literally don't allow certain teams to be good. It's weird. So, like, ESPN is not happy when the Lakers are bad because it affects fucking ratings. I mean, it's the dumbest thing ever.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
So then their fan bases act like spoiled brats, like you should see in the New York Post, right? The front section is horrible, right? It's fucking horrible. It's all fucking just racist and shit. Right. But the back, the sports section is great. And they're sitting there going like, you know, oh, my God, we have injuries that we're going to have to ride out.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And their solution is go buy the Padres best pitcher. Fuck these guys. The one funny thing about baseball is, though, I will have to say what the Dodgers are doing, the fact that they're out. the Yankees by just spending like just an absolutely stupid, fucking stupid amount of money. Like that World Series last year. No offense. I mean, what the fuck am I watching?
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
It's like a half a billion dollar team. Get the fuck out of here with that. You should win every World Series you spend that kind of money. So... That's why I was rooting for the Padres. The Padres went out, they made a bunch of moves, they spent a bunch of money on people, but it was nothing compared to the big box store that the Dodgers has become. It's always weird to me.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
You know, how people just can cheer that on. I felt weird watching the big three in 2008 with the Celtics. I'm like, this is like a fucking, now we have a pile on team? Is this what you do? Our team last year was great because so much of that was our own guys. But that one in 2008, I've never been able to quite... I was psyched because we beat the Lakers and their pile-on team.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
You don't even need to say pile-on when you say Lakers. It's just all... It's just everybody else's free agents. I don't think that they have actually drafted a fucking superstar... That was their own since like the Magic Johnson era. I might be wrong. They might have one. I'm trying to think. Kobe was a Charlotte Hornet. Shaq was Orlando. I forget where Robert Ori came from.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Derek Fisher was from someplace else too, I think. Pau Gasol was from somewhere else. Metta World Peace was from somewhere else. It's like they're all from somewhere else. LeBron's from somewhere else. Anthony Davis was from somewhere else. They just got the guy from the Mavericks. They can't draft to save their fucking lives. And they still win championships because they just go out, you know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
They're like those people that buy food at Air One. That's what they... That's what the Lakers are. The Lakers are the Los Angeles Airwands. Anyway, I just find that shit weird. I wish it would go back the other way. All right, look at that. I did an hour. My buddy, Andrew Themlis. Oh, my God. You got to go to his fucking Instagram page. He went over to Europe and saw the Northern Lights show.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
It covered everything. Your soul. And then the next ones were like, chicken soup for someone who got fucking diddled by their uncle. You know, they made it really specific. You know, it's like, well, wouldn't that affect your soul? Didn't you handle it on the first one? Well, you know, maybe I want to buy another house. Yeah. Anyway, before I go any further. into this podcast.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
It was like driving a dog sled and all of this. They just show you, okay, this is what you do. Step on this side, step on this side. This is how you get it. It was at the top of the planet, driving a dog sled. Anyways, that is the podcast. I got through my first week of a Broadway play. Cannot even describe to you what an unbelievable experience it's been. And I'm not going to lie to you.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
My castmates are absolutely fucking murdering. Every show has been fantastic. And, um, this might be the greatest like acting class slash acting gig I've ever been to. Cause not only do I get to work on it every night and try new things or anything, I get to watch, um, watch all these other performers in real time, try other things that, um,
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
that end up becoming like these big moments and stuff and just watching them figuring all that stuff out. It's absolutely incredible. So if you get a chance, it's a good idea. Come down, go to the Patrice O'Neill benefit. Come out, go see Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. You have yourself a weekend there. Whatever you want to do. All right. That's it. Happy March Madness. If you're going out on St.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Patrick's Day, you know, wear a pair of old shoes because someone's going to puke on them. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I've got to do a little promotion here for the Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit. Everybody, tickets are moving. Tickets are moving. Last I checked, there was a little less than 800 left. We started with 2,000. We're down to 800. We're out of the thousands. We're in the 800s. So thank you, one and all.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Tickets are still available for the 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit Sunday, May 18th at the New York City Center. We have a great lineup. Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes. Oh, my God, Greer Barnes. I better not be going on right after him. DC Benny, another killer. Tim Dillon, killer. Nimesh Patel, Sean Patton, myself, and as always, Rich Voss. He's hosted every single one of these shows.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Sean Patton, first time I saw him, I saw him up in Montreal. He was doing this bit about his grandmother, I think, having dementia. Fucking blew me away. This is going to be an amazing show. And we're still working on a special guest. We try to have a surprise famous comedian show up. And everybody goes, oh, my God, I didn't know he was coming, too. All tickets are $75.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Tickets can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org slash Patrice 2025 or by going to my website, www.billburr.com. I want to hear George W. Bush talk about his website. If you want to know why I'm not building houses for the homeless like Jimmy Carter and I'm buying land that sits on aquifers because I know water's going to be scarce in the future, go to www.georgew.com.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
All right, so we got that out of the way. Anyway, so it is St. Patrick's Day. I do try to get a corned beef sandwich. You know, if you go to a bar... Like in the middle of the day, maybe. Maybe you can try to do that. I don't know. It is annoying that you can't really get a corned beef sandwich any other day than around now. It's kind of weird that way. But it does make it special. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Plowing ahead here. All right. Where do I start? Oh, my God. Just so many things happening. I went to the bookstore. Holy shit. I went to the bookstore. First of all, I was up in my old neighborhood. I used to live on the Upper East Side, um, just South of, uh, Spanish Harlem. I don't even know if they call it that anymore. And, uh, And when I lived there, it was Spanish Harlem.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I lived on 97th and Lex in Lexington. And when I missed a package from the mailman, it went up to the post office on 100 and something Street. And I'm telling you, when you went from 97th to 98th Street, that was it. No more white people. Instantly, bam. It was all Puerto Rican. And you went up there, and everybody looked at me.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
They thought I was a cop, you know, because NYPD Blue was still on, and David Caruso was the star, right? And you'd go up there. The whole place, it immediately changed. This is like when New York was fucking cool. It was unreal. I remember, what's his face? Dan Natterman.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
used to have a joke way back in the day when I first moved there that 96th Street was the last street a white person could legally live on. And that always struck me so funny because I lived on 97th Street. And 97th Street was sort of the DMZ, you know, to use a Vietnam reference. And that was a mix of everybody.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And then when you went to 98th Street, at least on the east side, immediately it was all Puerto Rican. So, like, when I went to – I used to go do my laundry. Me and Bobby Kelly, oh, my God, way back in the day, we would do our laundry a couple streets up. There was this cluster of project buildings, and there was a –
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
That's kind of weird because it was in like those brick buildings and you went downstairs and you did your laundry. Oh, my God. That's the situation I'm in right now. My building. I haven't had to deal with this in... I can't remember since I left New York.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I had to deal with something the other day doing my laundry where I went downstairs to the laundry room and there's like three machines and all of them were full. And the cycle was done. And I had to stand there going like, you know that weird thing where you're going like... All right. How long do I wait before I actually move somebody else's laundry from the washing machine to the dryer?
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And are they going to come here and I'm going to be mid doing this? And then am I going to have an issue? And I just didn't have the time. And I was just like, fuck this person. I just took it out. I made sure I stuck it in the high dryers because there's always been a theory that those are the better dryers. Because heat rises. I don't know. So I put them in there and then threw my shit in.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Anyway, somebody fucking finally made a post trashing. You don't need a fucking DJ at every social event. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm not saying DJs are bad, but is there anything worse than a bad DJ? Just maybe a bad comedian. It's because it lives in the same world where it's like you can't escape it because it's so fucking loud. You just got to get out of the facility.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I emptied two out of three, right? So I put them in and I can't remember if I told this story, right? And I put my shit in and the person never showed up. So whatever, half hour later, however long a fucking wash cycle is, 37 minutes is what it is. Come downstairs. And the person who had the clothes in front of me is still not there. So I'm like, all right, good. I made the right move.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And then as I was moving my shit into the lower dryers, the person showed up. And then I was like, oh, God, this person will be upset. You ever have people like that? One time I was living in some place. And this fucking asshole was walking down the hallway. And his dogs were off leash and came running down up to me. And I said, hey, hey, buddies. And I started petting him.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
And he goes, don't touch my dogs. And I'm like, well, put them on a fucking leash. And we got into this big fucking argument. They fucking ran up to me. Unlike you, they're friendly, you cunt. You know, and they always talk about that. Like the dog's behavior is like the owner. You know what I mean? And it's like, I don't know. There's an exception to every rule. That's actually bullshit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I didn't say keep him on the fucking leash. I thought that. I thought that, but I didn't. The dude was bigger than me, and I was unlocking my door so I had my back to him. So I was just like, all right, well, I'm not going to get beat up over a fucking chihuahua. Look at me turning myself into a fucking action hero. I want to put him on a fucking leash. I didn't say that. I just lied to myself.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I almost fucking just lied to myself, and it worked. jesus christ what the fuck is wrong with me yeah put him on a fucking leash or i'll kick your ass buddy never happened i just went like wow it's just you know you know when you try to say something back but you don't want to get into a fight so you don't you don't make any words touch my dogs no i think i did more of that um
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I did put my eyebrows down to show that I was upset. That was the old me. What would the new you do, Bill? What would I have done in that situation? I definitely would have said something, but not too aggressive. I think I know how to thread the needle now. Don't touch my dog's. Really? I think I would have just done that. Laughing is always good. I don't fucking know. How is that still with me?
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
Is it because I didn't say anything back? Probably because I didn't say anything back to him. Oh, it just finds a spot inside you. Oh, maybe I need to read Chicken Soup for the fucking guy who didn't tell that guy to go fuck himself, but should have, but it's probably better that he didn't because he still has all his natural teeth. For the soul. Anyway. So I went over to... Oh, no, no.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
I want to talk about this. So I was up in my old neighborhood. And I was on 86 and 3rd. And what happened was my phone died. And I was trying to remember where my buddy's apartment was. I was sitting in Central Park by myself running my lines for the play Glengarry Glen Ross, which has been an amazing time. Got through my first week. Had a great time. And I was sitting on a park bench by myself.
Monday Morning Podcast
Laundry Rooms, Electronic Stores, F1 | Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-25 | Bill Burr
The whole long thing of them, you know, just sitting there. And I was feeling the old man nap coming on. And I kind of wished I had brought like a blanket because it was this hill. I was like, man, I would fucking lay down there right now. Put my hat over my head, but I'd probably get mugged. But anyway, I only drink one cup of coffee a day now, so I get the old man nap in in the afternoon.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, March 10th, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? March 10th. Holy shit. Holy shit. Previews start tonight for Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. Saturday night, we did our first show in front of like about 900 people. And, uh, I don't know. It could not have gone better.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
He just sort of cruised behind him for like the next 15 laps. And then finally said, all right, little brother, I'm going to win this thing. And then that was it. Because then once he got in front of him, he immediately had the same comfortable lead that he had before he slowed down. So I don't know what was going on. But Marc Marquez riding for the factory Ducati team.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
is looking like, I mean, this is just going to be a wire-to-wire thing. I mean, I don't know. I don't know how Petko handles that. Because if Mark keeps doing this, what he did this weekend, let's say he does that again in Argentina, then all of a sudden Petko's got to be feeling like, what the fuck? All of a sudden, you know, I'm just the teammate. And will he be able to handle that?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I have no fucking idea. I don't know how it works. But... I don't know, some interesting thing. Pedro Acosta crashed. I really like the way that kid rides, but... That was a problem he had last year, crashing out of races. He was able to get the bike started again, and he did get some points, but I'm a big fan of his. And then... There's another new rider, this Japanese kid... Let me see.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I don't know his name yet. I thought I wrote it down here in my notes, but I never look at the notes. I never look at the notes. Oh, I didn't write it down. What did I do? Did I take a picture? I don't know. He was like in fifth place, I think. I don't know. It's interesting. And then the defending champ, Mir, was saying that Honda's going to be good this year. So we'll see. I hope it is.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I hope it's not just like... The Ducati's continuing to dominate, but if it is, I'm hoping there's some back and forth with Pecco and Mark. We shall see. We shall see. So, anyway.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
So... Just ended up, like... I... It's funny. I don't want to get involved in the politics of the New York comedy scene, but, like, I was trying to find... A comedy show to go do where there was a comedian that I knew, you know, because I haven't lived here in almost 20 years. Right.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
trying to get pause here and here fuck all right i think that was it all right anyway um so i'm back into that and then i want to see lewis hamilton driving a ferrari i gotta get into that um i don't know when that starts but um oh my god and then also my fucking bruins holy shit um who admittedly admittedly, I'm not hitting pause.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I'm one of those people, my wife said it the other day, I don't sneeze, but when I do, I sneeze like 50 times in a fucking row. It's embarrassing, but I don't know what it is. But I'm sure one of you online doctors can tell me what my condition is. You don't have enough rutabaga in your diet, dude. Have you tried the rutabaga diet?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
That was fucking tough. I get it from a business standpoint because we weren't going to be good anytime soon. So if we signed him, I think he wanted a three-year deal. If we signed him, it would tie up a bunch of money and we would just be bad. And...
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I don't know I'm happy for him going to Florida because he's with the contender defendant um Stanley Cup champs been to the finals two years in a row so I don't know but that sucks I wanted him to retire a Bruin also by the way I can't believe he's 36 I thought he's like 31 time just flies um but whatever hats off to uh Brad Marchand what a fucking career he had with us um
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
without a doubt, one of the all-time great Bruins, and like I said, I'm really happy that he's going to a contender, but, you know, and then Charlie Coyle, where'd he go, where'd they send him, Toronto?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Kids from Weymouth playing for the Bruins, it all made sense, I don't know, it's, um, so I guess we're rebuilding, but just seeing where the team went, all these guys, Dabrowski's gone, all of these guys are gone, um, We'll see. But, you know, I believe in the front office. We'll see what happens. All right. And with that, let's... No, wait.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
One of them went to... I think Charlie went to the Avalanche. That's where he went. I don't know, I've been doing this acting shit here, so I'm out of the loop here. All right, let me, I gotta advertise here. The Patrice O'Neill, tickets available for the 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit, Sunday, March 18th at the New York City Center. My favorite gig of the year.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I get to work with all of these comedians that I came up with that were friends with Patrice. I get to work with people that weren't around now when Patrice was around, but they were influenced by his comedy. And I get to hear all these great stories of when they discovered I used to watch Tough Crowd, you know, Colin Quinn and Patrice and Norton and all of those guys.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
You just get to hear these great stories. It also makes you feel old as hell. But it's really fun to see Patrice's influence still on stand-up comedy. Once again, a testament to how great he was. And also, you know, his clips now. I mean, shit... He passed a long time ago, and his stuff still holds up. Still holds up. I watch his shit every once in a while.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
So I start checking out all of these different comedy clubs around town and I'm looking them up and I'm trying to go to their Web site and I keep ending up on the Web site of the New York Comedy Club. And they're doing that douchey thing where like, you know, I was looking for Gotham Comedy Club.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Comes up, you know, if I'm not feeling like it doesn't make me too sad, I will watch it. And that's what I always just walk away shaking my head. I'm like, it's still fucking funny. It's not dated. It's just fucking timeless, timelessly funny person. Such a huge loss. But, um, this is the one positive thing. All the money goes to Patrice's mom.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
We make sure that, uh, we take care of her because Patrice was taking care of her. Um, Here's the lineup this year. We got Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, arguably the hardest guy I've ever had to go on after. Greer Barnes, D.C. Benny. D.C. Benny, one of the Boston Comedy Club legends from back in the day down the village when the village was the village. You did not want to go on after D.C. Benny.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Two killers right there. Rosebud from SNL. Tim Dillon, another killer. Nimesh Patel, Sean Patton. We got all killer. Rich Voss, another killer. I'm going to be mopping up towards the end and then we're going to try to get a special guest. I've been asking some people. We always have a nice surprise. We try to have a nice surprise for you. Tickets are $75.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
They can be purchased at New York City Center, NY. Sorry, not New York. www.nycitycenter.org slash Patrice, P-A-T-R-I-C-E, Pat Rice, 2025. Or by going to my website, www.billburr.com. It's such a great event every year. So I hope to see you there. All right. It's a good excuse to come to New York. Take your broad shopping. You don't need another one of those.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I know, but it makes me happy in the moment. Okay. Shopping with your wife will be back after these messages.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
And then like they have in New York Comedy Club has in their search, you know, Gotham's number one comedy club. So you end up on their on their on their Web site.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I don't know anything about the male body. If you're impotent, right? How do you get the jizz out of you? Like, how does that happen? Is that like a, do they work in concert? Your balls and your dick? Like, I might have to look that up. I'll have to write a little more eloquent.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
fucking dirty pool man so i ended up going down to uh it was weird i felt like remembering the blair witch where they just kept coming back to the same part in the woods that's what it's like searching a comedy show in new york city no matter what comedy club you look up you end up at the new york comedy club's fucking website um anyway um so i ended up going down to the uh gotham comedy club
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
You know, when you grow a third foot out of your back, we're not responsible. All right. I'm going to do one more read and then I'm going to finish this tomorrow because I'm fucking, I don't know what's going on here. I'm all congested. I'm all verklempt here. And I don't want you guys to have to listen to me fucking hacking up here. All right. Simply safe.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
You know, we all have routines that bring us calm in a chaotic, often scary world. Oh, my world. I almost fucking had an aneurysm with chaotic. How often do you see that word? C-H-A-O-T-I-C. Chaotic. Let's start over again. Take two. Let's go back to one. All right, everybody, places. Simply safe. You know, we all have routines that bring us calm in a chaotic... Fuck. Back to one.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I'm gonna get it, sorry guys. No, that was me, that was me.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
That simple step, Jesus, does mean more than just protect my family and home. It's protecting. It gives me peace of mind. With SimpliSafe, I sleep more soundly and I leave the house with confidence. It's amazing how one small push of a button can have such a big impact. With SimpliSafe, millions of Americans enjoy greater security and peace of mind every time they arm their system.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
By the way, you know where crooks go immediately? They go to the master bedroom. That's where they go first. So if the alarm's going off, they still gonna run up there. People yelling at them and stuff. They're still running up there, so just don't have it there. Put it somewhere else.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Whatever the fuck... Whatever you don't want to be stolen when you leave the house, do not... Do not put it in the master bedroom. I'm not saying they're not still going to find it, but fucking, you know... Make it a challenge. A little Easter egg hunt. With SimpliSafe, millions of Americans enjoy greater security and peace of mind every time they arm their system.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
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Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
If someone's lurking around or acting suspiciously, these agents see and talk to them in real time. Activate spotlights. I gotta love the spotlights. Can I get an air raid siren too? That'd be fantastic. And even contact the police all before they have the chance to get inside your home. No long-term contracts or cancellation fees. Monitoring plans start affordably at around $1 a day.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
And they have their main room upstairs and they have the one downstairs. So I ended up doing a spot there and hanging out with Chris Mazzilli, who I've known, Jesus Christ, I've known him since I came to New York. So we had a great time catching up. And so I figured that's what I'm going to end up doing. You know, what's funny is the Chelsea Hotel is right next to the Gotham Comedy Club.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
60-day satisfaction guarantee or your money back. Visit simplisafe.com to claim 50% off a new system with a professional monitoring plan and get your first month for free. That's simplisafe.com. There's no other safe like SimpliSafe. S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E.com. All right. Well, you know something? I got to tell you, before I sign off here and I'll do the second half tomorrow morning.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
That's why, like, you know, when you start buying guns, you know, you start playing out all the scenarios in your head, right? So, you know, you got to have a gun. Come on, gun people. You got to write in. You got to have a gun near where you're sleeping or what's the fucking point, right? But then you start thinking, I used to do a bit about this, right? What if I'm taking a shit, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Now I need, I gotta... What if you're taking a shit, you're a little backed up, it's taking longer than you thought, you hear the guy come in the door and you're on the shitter, you got no fucking weapon. Right? Now you got a little shotgun in the bathroom. I went over a guy's house one time, he had a shotgun, he was a gun guy, he had a shotgun mounted right to the fucking bathroom.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
right next to the toilet. And I gotta be honest, I was like, I get that. I never felt so safe taking a shit in my life. And then you gotta be like, well, what if he fucking overpowers me and throws me in the linen closet? You know what I mean? Like, I feel like if you're like a gun person, you're not just gonna stop You're not just going to stop with the bedroom, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
But if you've got kids, it's a little crazier. But, like, let's just say, you know, it's you and your woman or your boyfriend or your they or whatever. Whatever it is that, like, you know, that you need to have on your journey, whatever the fuck your situation is, if you don't have kids there, you know, after a while, like, you know, you got a gun, right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
So obviously it's in your head that somebody's going to fucking come into your house. The neighborhood or whatever. You're paranoid. Or you just like them. There's no way you're stopping at one. Right? What if I'm downstairs? What if I'm upstairs? What if I'm fucking crocheting in this rocking chair? You start taping a pistol underneath it. I want gun people. Does that make you more paranoid?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Because the preparation for it, and also, you know, the law of attraction. You start preparing for shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I wonder, too, if nobody ever comes in and you have all those guns at the end of your life, if you're a little disappointed. Like all those people that have died since the Lions have won a championship. You're just like, all my life, I rooted for the fucking Lions and they never won it. And then you're like a gun person. Just all my life, I've gone to the fucking gun range. I played laser tag.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I've gone hunting. I've... taking a fucking special forces claim, all those things that they do for like dads. It's like the guitar center for gun owners. You know, you can go to like Vegas and they'll fucking teach you like some special ops shit. You did all of that to be prepared. And no one ever had the decency to come through your fucking front door uninvited.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Then your wife starts nagging at you.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
And I was actually...
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Um, anyway. All right. I'm going to take a break here and then, uh, I will finish the podcast, uh, tomorrow morning. You don't need to know that cause I'll just edit it together. All right. All right. All right. I'm back. I'm back. Yeah. Why do I say that? It just fucking edited together and shut up, Bill. Um, I'll tell you what's killing me.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
thinking about spending a weekend there just to fucking do it because it's such an iconic hotel and it's one of those ones like back in the day you know before all these never-ending wars before banks took over like our money supply and took us off the gold standard so you could actually people could actually like live you know what i mean and you you could like live at the chelsea hotel which now to live at a fucking hotel in manhattan i mean you'd have to be
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
You know when the iPhone puts together a collection of your pictures and then puts a song underneath it? That whole weird thing that it does?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
calls it memories for some reason they it just does that so of course i click on it and it's playing uh john denver that john denver song sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy now that fucking song is going to be in my head for the rest of the day i don't know any line after that song after that line in the song and i'm just going to sing that all day long but i actually think that that's a i think it's a really sad song
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I've never really gotten through it. But it starts off typically... I don't know. I always found his music was disturbing. It was like, you ever watch like a movie where somebody comes into a town and everybody's smiling and being friendly, but you find out later that they're all fucking, you know, in a cult or they're like witches or some shit, you know, if you watch dumb movies like I do.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
That's what his music feels like. It feels like the soundtrack to a movie like that. Yeah. On the surface, it's just really positive, happy, like, wow, honey, I can really see us settling down and building a life here. And then you find out everybody there is doing some sort of devil worship. That's how I feel about John Denver's music. Thank God I'm a country boy.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Whenever he's doing that minor jig, you know, acting like they didn't just murder 100 Native Americans so they could make their claim. I'm a 49er. Um, your insurance question. All right, here we go. We got the questions here. Uh, Hey, Hey, Billy baby balls. Um, listening to you have to defend yourself about not wanting to get rear ended and possibly get screwed by dishonest guy. It's wild.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
You had to explain that by the way. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I thought I was going crazy, but, um, You know, we're living in a crazy time. We've always been living in a crazy time, but now it's just like overtly crazy. Like, you know, you watch an NBA game and the star of the game double dribbles in front of everybody on television.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
And in order to double dribble, obviously you have the fucking ball. So everybody in the fucking building is looking at you and they don't even call it. How does an NBA referee miss a double dribble? It's fucking beyond me. It's fucking beyond me. They called that shit in fourth grade. No one misses a double dribble. You're dribbling, you stop, and then you dribble again.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
There's no way to miss it. It's literally, it takes like four seconds to pull it off. 1,001, 1,002, and he dribbles again. Wait. You know what it is? Is during that 1,001, 1,002, so much time went by since he dribbled those two seconds. I forgot. I couldn't remember if he had dribbled before. It's fucking unreal. Have you ever seen that LeBron dunk when he goes across half court?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
stops dribbling, takes three long steps, and then like five quick, and then he fucking dunks it. He was playing rugby. He was just running with the fucking ball. He should have just slid. You know, they slide for whatever reason. He should have just slid into the front row. I don't know. It's strange. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
This person said, I've been an insurance adjuster for a few years for a major carrier. And depending on the state, the claimant has up to two to three years to report the claim or two thirds of a year. That's what it is. Obviously, the sooner you report it, the better, because it'll need less intense investigation. But legally, you're able to take your time a bit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
one of these fucking billionaires right um but back in the day i mean they have like like mailboxes there and all these amazing actors and artists and everybody had lived there some dark shit there i believe that's where sid vicious and uh sid and nancy met their end i think i don't know i don't remember um but anyway i wanted to go down and and stay there or whatever but um I don't know.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
To get you guys caught up, somebody wrote in, was talking about somebody rear-ending him and then being like, hey, man, like, you know, I don't think we have to put this through the insurance companies, man, da-da-da-da. And then he just kept promising that he was going to take care of the guy's bumper, and he doesn't. All right? So I was going like, yeah, that guy's a piece of shit.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
So somebody wrote in being like, you know, what the fuck, man? You're going to like fucking come down on the working man, man. I mean, he hits your bumper like that's what that's what they're there for. Yeah, that was a piece of shit sticking up for a piece of shit. And then this person goes on the letter, goes on to say, fuck the billionaires, especially the insurance douches.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Well, that's weird because you work in that industry. So how does that work? Well, I work in show business. Look at all the fucking horrible things that's happened in this business. Maybe you're one of the good ones. Love you. Say it back. All right. Well, thank you for fucking sticking up for me. I thought I was losing my mind. All right. Suit measuring tape.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Hey, Billy, the fabulous elderly workout influencer. Well, when you're an elderly workout influencer, the great thing is you get to show people your results with your shirt on. let's see. I just wanted to let you know, in a recent podcast, you were talking about the measuring tape you recently purchased was showing higher than normal numbers for your measurements.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Once upon a time, I worked at a men's suit store and typically the waist size of your jeans ranged anywhere from two to four inches lower than your actual waist size. That tape or slacks for a suit would show. Um, For instance, if you were 34 waist and jean, your waist for slacks would be 36, 38. Because jeans stretch and slacks typically do not.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Hope this helps in your judgment of yourself and your shirtless yoga. P.S. Go f-f-f-fuck yourself. Um... Yeah, I mean, listen, the tape doesn't lie. The jeans do. It's so stupid. I feel like the jeans...
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
are in business with the people that poisoned our food supply and then big pharmaceutical that's the triangle of death all right you buy a pair of 34 inch jeans and you can wear them until you're a 39 inch waist and then you're like oh well i went up to 35 36 inch jeans i need to lose two inches and it's like no you need to lose like seven That's where I ended up, you know?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
But you don't notice because your genes have an elastic band on them now. So they just keep stretching, stretching, stretching, right? And then meanwhile, you're filling your fucking gut up with this fucking poison. And then now what? Now you need big pharmaceutical. There you go. And then you go into the hospital and then they don't cure you. They keep you alive. And then you die.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
And you weren't able to work because you were so fucking sick and you accrued a bunch of debt and the credit card companies aren't going to eat that. They pass that on to your loved ones. So what's the moral of the story? Start wearing slacks. All right. Neighbor wants to store. You know what the fucking the slacks are? version of the elastic waist is suspenders.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I don't think I've ever seen somebody in shape wear suspenders. It's always been a fat fuck. I remember there was a moment where they were like in style. It was really bad, at least in New England it was. And these guys would come to work with green suspenders that had blue whales on them like they were fucking five-year-olds. It was a really weird time.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
That preppy look with the boat shoes and the effeminate, like, polo colors. It was really weird. Fucking sweaters, horn-rimmed glasses. All right. Arguably, when it came to, like, bosses that era, bosses had the most punchable faces ever. you know, in the history of bosses, I would say.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
That's a, that's a weird thing about like, I hope we can get back to that. Like when I was a kid, like if you like how it worked, if you were like working class, the rule was, um, your rent or your mortgage was one week's pay. That's what it was. And, and, but if you moved to like New York, it was, it was okay for it to be two weeks pay because New York was always expensive. Right. Um,
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
in the 80s if you had a boss that was into the preppy look and he's wearing those yellows pinks those pastel colors and the dumb fucking sweater and his horned rim fucking glasses and his boat shoes with khaki pants and you had to go to work and whatever that guy told you to do you had to do there was just no way as a man that you didn't think like i mean it's a cubicle it's stupid like
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
The walls start at the floor like a normal wall, but they don't meet the ceiling. So, like, what am I giving up here? Popping your head up like a whack-a-mole trying to see where that cunt was. Watching him work his way through the maze of failed dreams. Sorry. All right. Neighbor wants to store clamped. motorcycle in my property. What does clamped mean?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I know, like, I remember hearing on one of those car shows, he was talking, he was underneath the car saying this thing has been boxed and blah, blah, blah. It had something to do with welding. I don't know what clamped means. I think it means a do-it-yourself... Ah, fuck. I don't have time to fucking look it up. Dear Bill Petit Burr, Bill Trogrant, Long time fan and a listener here.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I have a situation that I wanted to ask for your thoughts. My neighbor recently asked me if he could store his motorcycle in the porch in front of my house. On the porch, you mean? When I asked him what was the reason, he mentioned that he couldn't afford to get the clamp removed. Oh, oh, oh, oh. It's like a... Denver boot, what they used to call those things.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Yeah, when you park and they fucking put the thing on. And if it stays on the street, he can get fined or taken away. He didn't want to give more details apart from that he needed it to be for three months. He also said that I'm not using the space in the front of my house, so it shouldn't be a problem. While adding, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
The fact that he's talking about the space in front of your fucking house, fuck this guy. Right before that sentence, I'd be like, all right, this is the deal. You just got to be like, all right, man, I'll do you a solid. But literally, this is the date. Let's look on our calendar. See this date? You see this at 8 in the morning, this fucking hunk of shit is going back.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
It's getting off my property. I would do that until he said, you know, you're not using the space in front of your house, so it shouldn't be a problem. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. He's not going to scratch your back. Fuck this guy. I was a bit thrown off, to be honest. And as he's always seemed to be a nice guy volunteering to do things, I told him I'd think about it and come back.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I spoke to a few people about it, discussing if I'm a bad person for not feeling comfortable with this, especially when it's for so long. I tried to rationalize it, but I do not really want to have someone else's clamped motorcycle on my property in front of my house. Yeah, tell him that.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Just say, listen, you know, I think I would have done it until you suggested, you know, you got that front of your house and I'm not using it. That made me feel weird and uncomfortable. Made me feel like you're not a good person. Like, just be direct with the guy. Like, what do you give a, honestly give a fuck?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Unless this guy has felonies and he's going to get physical with you and then you don't need that shit. Then you just say no. You don't have to be honest. But like, why do you give a fuck about this guy's feelings? You know, and I don't mean you. I'm actually talking about myself, too. Like, why are we this polite?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Anyway, he continues and says, I've tried to rationalize it, but I don't really want to. A bit of a background. He also has a car in a work van that he asked me a year ago if he can park on the street in front of my house, which I did not mind. Yeah, this guy's like a fungus.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
And now I don't know what. Now I'm meeting all these people on the road. They're fucking working 40 hours a week for a month and they can't make it, which is really bad for this country because then people have to get a second job and that's less time you can spend with your kids and they need you. So hopefully they will fix that. I'm not holding my breath. Anyway, plowing ahead.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
The other day he asked me why I haven't come back to him for a few days with a spot, and I politely told him that it's way too long and unfortunately won't be able to help him on this. Very nice. Good work. He got very upset and started yelling, saying that he has always been willing to drop everything for me, and he is now in a bad mood forever.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
So going forward to not call him or ask him for anything. Fun fact, I don't actually have his number or ask him to do anything apart from suggestions as he is an electrician and a handyman. Well, you are asking him his advice on some shit. I mean, but I don't think that that means that he now has to stick his fucked up motorcycle on you. Leaned against you. Why can't he put it on his property?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
He doesn't have any room on his property. What do you think? Initially, I felt bad about it. But after the last interaction, especially when he was yelling at me in front of my two-year-old child, I felt less about it. Dude, I think you grew up in a fucked up house. I think you did. The fact that you're questioning yourself on this. You're 100% right.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Did you grow up with people screaming and yelling around you so it seems normal or giving you a guilt trip? Fuck this guy. Apologies for the way too long email and looking forward to seeing you in April on Glengarry Glen Ross. All the best to you and your family and go clamp yourself. No, dude, you're 100% right. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
And you don't need to escalate shit, but that's one of those things, you know. I mean, I feel like, buddy, if you ever yell at me like that again in front of my two-year-old child. I mean, this guy's a fucking piece of, you know what you have for a neighbor? You have a dirt bag. I mean, Jesus Christ. Let's look at the details. He yells at you in front of your two-year-old kid. All right.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
He has a van. What else? What's his other vehicles? He has a work van. He has a car and a work van. Oh, he's an electrician. All right. So you got to leave dirtbag out of the van world. Dude, he's an electrician. This guy should be making money. He's got a motorcycle that he, I mean, I don't know. Why don't you just go pay the fucking fine?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Don't electricians make like, I don't know, when I was a kid, they made like 25 bucks an hour. They made a ton of money. Yeah, fuck that guy. Fuck that guy and all of his problems that somehow end up in front of your house or on your property. You should have been like, buddy, you got your fucking work van in front of my house and your fucking car.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Now I'm going to have your fucking, you know, motorcycle, your clamped motorcycle leaning against my porch for three months. When are you going to start sending your bills to my house, you fucking cunt? Fuck this guy. Fucking dickhead. All right. Advice for a lady. Hey, Billy, big gay Jim. I got a really bad dad joke. My Jim is so gay it should be spelled J-I-M.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I was so amazed watching all my castmates, like, thinking about where they were, you know, six weeks ago versus this amazing stuff that it became. I'm not saying it wasn't good from the beginning, but, you know, you know what I'm saying. and just hearing where all the laughs were and everything, and everybody was very happy.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
There's just a neon sign of a gay guy named Jim going, hi, as you come walking in. All right. Longtime lady listener. I need your help. I worked on Wall Street and was recently laid off. It's been really difficult getting back in the game since because most of the competitive jobs in this industry are being outsourced overseas.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
So last night we did the first... The first run-through in front of the crowd, it went great. I had some friends come out and stuff and be dropping names all over the place. My first acting teacher, Peter Kelly from the Harrison Project, way back in the day, way back, 30 fucking years, 1994, I started taking classes with him. He surprisingly showed up and we had a great time getting caught up.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
So my options are, yeah, this is what these fucking billionaires are doing. You know, everybody keeps politicizing the job loss. It has nothing to do with Republicans or Democrats. It has to do with these billionaire cunts. They've been using sweatshop labor. We've been competing with that ever since they got sick of unions. You know? And they just said, fuck it.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
You have your union and your factory. We're fucking moving overseas. And I remember when they were like, you got to start making stuff back in this country. And they go, well, we would, but if we made sneakers in this country, they'd be $7 million a pair or whatever. And what they didn't say is like how before they left... Sneakers were affordable.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
But what happened was is when they left, all that money they had to pay American workers, basically a living wage, they didn't have to when they went to another country. They could pay them sweatshop wages. So if they moved the factory back here, they weren't going to take that loss. They were going to pass it on to the customer. And that's why it would cost $80 zillion today.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Not because the American worker wants too much money. It's because the cunts at the top want to keep the profit of sweatshop labor. That's what it is. They are heartless fucking people. They don't give a fuck about anything other than their immediate family. They don't give a shit. They're fucking reptilian. And they somehow have you believing that if you don't, if you're not...
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
supportive of what they do to human beings in this country which at this point is you work for them 160 hours a month and you still can't make your fucking rent you are somehow a communist socialist anti-capitalist it's fucking their level of greed is fucking off the charts they're heartless fucking people and they don't give a fuck about including the environment they don't give a fuck they don't give a fuck about anything
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
horrible people and all these stupid fucking ceos now and i love how they're all getting hair plugs and taking jujitsu and trying to change their fucking origin story they're out of their fucking minds um all right advice for a uh a lady hey billy big gay jim long time lady listener I need your help. I worked on Wall Street and was recently laid off. It's been really difficult.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
So my options are, one, keep eating shit in New York City. Two, move overseas for competitive offers. Move back home for good. Go somewhere new. My family wants me to move home, but that's been a drag. One silver lining is that I've been getting more bites in California, but I haven't spent extended time there before. I visited L.A., but didn't feel as electrified as I have in other cities.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Well, you've got to listen to your gut. Your gut will tell you what's home. It would be a huge change to leave everyone on the East Coast and go out West alone, but I'd kind of love to do it. All right, you're all over the road here. And that I'm in the metaphorical dugout, L.A. is growing on me. I don't understand that sentence. And that I'm in the metaphorical dugout, L.A. is growing on me.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I love L.A. I love New York City. I mean, you got to like, there's just different vibes. If you can settle into the vibe of I mean, I could live in New York, L.A., Milwaukee, Chattanooga. There's a whole bunch of places I could live. But, like, the key is when you go to L.A., don't try to do New York shit. Do L.A. shit. And if you're going L.A. to New York, do New York shit. Don't try to do L.A.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
shit. That's what happens to people. When they travel, they try to do what they did where they left. That's not the point of traveling. The point of traveling is to get a new experience, I would think. Positives, this person says. Being that I can find my culture out there, it's nicer weather than the Northeast. My cane corso will have more space in the home.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
You know, before I read this email, I thought I fucking spoke English. I don't know what a cane corso is. Is that a breed of dog? Is that a car? I don't know what that is. And I can explore an entire state I have not spent that much time in. Oh, dude, California is gorgeous. I mean, you wouldn't know because the state has been politicized like Texas and Florida and New York. It's so fucking weird.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
laughing about the old days it was like a perfect night and then um you know i went out some friends got a burger and then just walked into this sports bar and the fucking celtics lakers is on right so it's the second half go in there the celtics are up by like 17 18 19 points And it's like the third quarter.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
you know, there's, like, literally people in this country that, like, hate California, and it's, it's a state, the United States, say, fuck that, fuck, I fell in the fucking ocean, I wouldn't give a fuck, and then there's people in California, Florida, they should just fucking just chop it off and let it fucking, it's like, same team, everybody, same team, um,
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
The cons are that my family thinks being laid off could be a sign that banking is not the industry for me and that I should call living in NYC a good shot and come home. I can't talk to them about wanting to go to L.A. and I wonder if I'm mentally trying to run away from their preferences for my life. What does my favorite ginger beard think? Am I running away? Should I give up on New York?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Or is it really an exhilarating new adventure? Me and my dog. Okay, it is a dog. Can go on. Love you, Bill B. Keep your pale scalp moistened in New York City. What do I think? I think you should listen to your gut. I don't think you should listen to your family because they don't sound supportive. They sound supportive of you coming back to them because they love you. But to what end? Like what?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I don't know where your home is, but you don't sound excited to go there. You're only young once. Doesn't sound like you're married. You don't have any kids. I mean, if you want to give LA a shot, if you feel like it's calling you, I would do it. And, you know, you can always move back. It's not that big a deal. I moved out to L.A.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
First time I lived out there, I hated it because I wanted to be a New York City comedian. And I just through this business and opportunities, I just ended up out there. And then I kind of got derailed and I forgot what I wanted to do. And then I came back to New York and then I did the New York comic thing. I got that out of my system. And I and I after thinking I'm never going to L.A. again.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Fuck that place. Right. I ended up going back out there and I had a different attitude. The first time I went out there, I was like, oh, I'm fucking East Coast. Look at me. I have a three-quarter leather. I'm too fucking real for this town. I did that stupid thing that East Coast people do. East Coast people go to L.A. and they think that they're in that movie Footloose. And everybody in L.A.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
is going to be like, wow, you're so edgy, man. You're so much more interesting than me. I'm just a plastic L.A. person. And when they get out there and they realize that nobody in L.A. gives a fuck,
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
about your fucking you know favorite slice of pizza whatever the fuck you're they don't give a shit and there's too many people out there anyway it's like their attitude when you bitch about LA is like well fucking move back nobody told you to come here I didn't move to where you are the fuck are you doing right so anyway if you move out to LA with an open mind the amount of fun that you can have out there
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
For free. Just the hiking alone is incredible. The food is unbelievable. The beaches are incredible. And it has some of the most beautiful homes in architecture I've ever seen, which is another one of the awful things about those fires is the amount of just irreplaceable homes like... Like, go on Zillow. Take a free trip and just look at some homes that are for sale.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
And I say to both my friends, I go, this is going to be a two point game in five minutes. All right. And of course, you know, I don't understand the psychological makeup you have to watch a fucking NBA game. I just don't get like all of these fucking games now. Like, I swear to God, NFL football, no game is over. It's never over. None of them are ever over. It's weird.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Like, those Mediterranean houses with the Spanish tiles on top, the arches, the tile work in the bathrooms and going up the stairs. Like, the East Coast just doesn't have that with the garrison colonials and New England brickmaster. Aluminum siding and all of those fucking... I don't know. That's one of the things. Of course, there's shit on the East Coast that I love.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
But I will say, once living in L.A., I come back here and look at the houses. I'm just like... Every once in a while, you just see something unique where it looked like the builder took their time. But it just looks like so many of the houses out here were just fucking slapped together. Unless there's a mid-century kind of thing which has a cool vibe. Just my opinion. So...
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Let me get back to the question here. I fucking totally sidetracked there. All right. Am I running away? You're not running away. You're young. You're figuring your life out. Should I give up on New York City? If your gut tells you that you should leave, then I would. If your gut says you should stay here, you should. So what I'm really telling you is listen to your gut.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Go somewhere where if you feel excited, if you're getting a good vibe, As you say, an exhilarating new adventure you and your dog can go on. I mean, that's kind of, to me, that seems like how you're wired. And I don't think that your family is wired to have an exhilarating adventure.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I think that they're more conservative and that they like, you know, they've settled into their life and changed lives.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
scares them i know that they love you and they probably worry about you and they want you to be home so part of it is that but um you got to live your life all right and part of you living your life is i can't make your decisions for you so i would say listen to your gut and there's really no you know there's no wrong there's no fucking mistakes you know what i mean there's no fucking mistake you know
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
It's stupid. The weight that you put on a mistake. I mean, what are you, clairvoyant? You don't know what the future is. It felt like the right thing to do, so you did it. And it didn't work out. Big deal. You learn from mistakes. The other night, we ran the play for the first time in front of like 800, 900 people. I made a couple of mistakes. And you know what?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
The mistakes ended up being a good thing because I realized that I can think on my feet and I can get past it. So it's one less thing to worry about because that's a big thing you worry about. Oh, my God, what if I forget my lines? What the fuck am I going to do?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
So had I done it perfectly and not said the wrong word or flipped the line around, I would still have that anxiety of like, all right, well, I did it right the last time. What if I don't do it right this time? And I would still be in that. Fortunately, I fucked up. It was a blessing. So now I can be like, okay, well, all right, if that happens, I'll figure something out and it'll work out.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Not much tonight. I'll fall off the stage or some shit. All right. That's it. Go with your gut. Okay. Book recommendations. This is the last thing. Great book about the NHL in the 70s. Lots of stories. Just a recommendation for Bill. It's called Hockey Night Fever by Gary Cole. Thanks for all the laughs over the years. I'm a big fan. All right, well, thanks for the book recommendation.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I really appreciate it. All right, that is the podcast. Have a great couple of days. Go fuck yourself, and I'll talk to you on Thursday.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
That's not the way the games used to be. I know they've made all these rule changes and stuff, but I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm watching anymore. So we're up by 17, 18 points. It gets down to 16. It gets down to 15. It gets down to 13. And we're like, all of a sudden, we've gone cold. It's a game of runs, dude, right? All of a sudden, we go cold. But we're still launching up threes.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
It's like, you've gone cold. I watched this guy on the Celtics. It's like, there's nobody in front of him. Nobody in front of him. He could just walk to the elbow and take like a foot, whatever that is, a 12 footer or something, right? And what the fuck does he do? Launches a three, clank.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
And you know, and then all of a sudden, you know, the announcers, oh my goodness gracious, Roger Clemens is coming back, is doing that shit. And then, like, this whole idea that the entire NBA, the way that they've built their brand, like Charles Barkley was talking about how, like, why are the Lakers getting all this attention?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
He said Cleveland and Oklahoma have been balling the whole fucking year. Lakers have been good for two weeks, and now nobody's talking about Cleveland or Oklahoma, right? So somebody wrote in the comments, who gives a fuck about Cleveland and Oklahoma, right? And I wanted to be like, well, you just proved his point.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
That's what's wrong with the NBA product is fans are like conditioned that only like a few teams compete. You know, like that's what it is. Like Cleveland doesn't matter. Oklahoma doesn't matter. All of these fucking teams, like it's Miami matters. Lakers matter. Golden State matters. You know, just like that whole stupid trade.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
That the Dallas Mavericks get rid of their fucking star player because he doesn't make, I don't know, I feel like he doesn't make the NBA any money in Dallas. And it's way better for the owners with revenue sharing if he pairs up with LeBron. But it's kind of funny, like the Lakers, like for as successful as they are, they just do not have an ability to. To manufacture their own stars.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
The last fucking person that they had was Magic Johnson. 1980 was the last time they fucking drafted the right guy. Everybody else has been a fucking, you know, some sort of move. I know a lot of you youngsters are going, what about Kobe Bryant? Kobe Bryant got drafted by the Charlotte Hornets and then straight up said, I'm not playing there. And the NBA said, okay.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Crowd was very happy, cast was happy, people producing it were very happy, directors and everything. So we're off, we're off. So next week we just have rehearsals and then we have premieres at night. And then I think next week we just get into the regular schedule where I just have premieres at night. So I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do with myself.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Like, what does that tell Charlotte's fan base? Oh, we're never going to be good. We're not allowed to be good. It's really strange. Anyway, and then just listening to these fucking announcers selling me this game and just going, Luke is definitely hurt. He is not moving. Anytime he missed a shot, he is not moving. He is in pain. It's like, it's March. Everybody's hurt.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
How many times are you going to make excuses for this fucking guy? So I'm sitting there like, if I could have literally just, if I wasn't with other people, I would have got up and walked out of the bar. Just watching that. It's like, I don't need this fucking anxiety. And then the officiating thing. The fucking officiating is like this fucking guy on the Lakers, right? He's got the ball.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
He's down low, dribbles out to the three-point line. I think it was Luka. Stops dribbling, looks around, and then starts dribbling again. And I'm like, he fucking picked up his dribble, right? Nothing. And I'm not saying this is like preferential treatment to the Lakers. This is like league-wide treatment.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Like when I was a kid, when you first started playing organized basketball, like in my school was like fourth or fifth grade, like the dad officiate in the game would have called that. Like you wouldn't miss that. How do you miss the guy with the ball picked up his dribble and started dribbling again? It was so obvious, but they didn't blow the whistle.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Even the announcers are going like, I think he picked up his dribble. It's fucking bizarre. They don't call traveling. The whole thing is just, it's weird. It's like a shoot around. I don't know. The whole game is just, I don't know. It's kind of like passed me by. But the thing about an NBA game that I've never been able to handle. is just how I am.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
This here is not shitting on professional basketball. This is just me. I can't fucking handle being up by 20 points and five minutes later, it's a nail biter. I just don't need that. I don't need that in my life. I am fucking wound up enough as it is. I've had enough disappointments in life. I don't need to fucking every... I mean, an NBA game moves the same way as like a horror script.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Like a movie, a horror movie, you know? Where it starts off, oh boy, we got a new house. Isn't this great? Oh, look at this swing out back. Gee, honey, we really did it, right? Then you meet your first weirdo neighbor. All of a sudden, you know, leads down to fucking 16. All of a sudden, the swing in the backyard starts swinging. Nobody's on it. Leads down to 12. Right?
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
And then the fucking guy's coming up the goddamn... stairs with the ax and you're only up by two. Every fucking, I can't, I don't do horror movies and I don't watch NBA games. I just, the way I am, I had like Tourette's when I was in that bar. I was just sitting there, yeah, launch another fucking three. There you go, nobody underneath.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Well, physics says, if you fucking, I don't know if it's physics, logic says, if you're not fucking shooting well, stop shooting fucking threes. I wonder if that would work, if this is just overly simple in my overly simple brain. If I was an NBA coach, I'd be like, all right, listen, we're gonna do what the fuck everybody does.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
We're gonna go out there, we're gonna launch 48 threes and take one layup. If it's there in the first quarter. All right, here's the thing. If we're not hitting our threes, get inside the arc. Get inside the arc. I got this concept. If you're cold, why don't you try to take shots closer to the basket? All right, you start feeling it again.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
With all that free time back, I'll just sit around here being fucking lonely. I am FaceTiming the hell out of my family, but Jesus Christ. The other night I was just sitting here. We rehearsed all day and then we ran the thing. And I came back to my little corporate apartment here and I was fucking just like, what am I going to do? Fucking lonely here.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Go out to fucking, go out to the boonies and get back out to the three-point land. You start hitting your threes early. You're hitting your threes early. We fucking bury them. We're up by fucking 12 after first quarter. They start coming back. We get cold. Get inside. Get inside of it. A three-pointer is only one more point than a two-pointer. Do I have to tell you that? Feed somebody down low.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Take a fucking eight-footer, you dumb cunts. No, just keep shooting the threes. Just three, you know, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. Fucking insane. No strategy. No strategy whatsoever. You just go down. Nobody underneath. Don't wait for your teammates. Get an open look. Take it. Take it. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Go back down. Do it again. You know, one of them's going to go in.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Three whole points. You don't want that garbage shit. It's like those people who shop at Air One who don't realize that that's the same exact food that you buy at Ralph's minus one ingredient or Trader Joe's. You're eating the same fucking shit. It's just more expensive. All right, Bill, shut the fuck up. Okay, I get it. I get it. I just, I don't know. I missed the creativity in the painted area.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
I missed the double pump reverse layup. I miss people going in and dunking on two people. There he is, 8'9", behind the three-point arc. He launches it up. Do you know what kills me? Everybody freaks out. You see 100 three-pointers a game, and people still freak out every time somebody takes a three-pointer. People are all like... It's one more point. Like, I don't understand what you're doing.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Like, they make it look like it's the difference between a touchdown and a field goal. Anyway, so I watched the MotoGP. Old Billy Lonely. Woke up this morning. And I watched the fucking race. Mark Marquez. Jesus Christ. The guy did the trifecta, he won the pole position, he won the sprint, 12 points on Saturday, and then he won the actual race on Sunday for 25 more points.
Monday Morning Podcast
Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25
Dude's got 30, he won all the points, 37 points. He's up by 11 on his brother Alex, and he's up by, what is it, 14. on his teammate Peckle. I don't know. The most exciting part of the race was he came out of a turn and I don't know what he did. It was like he slowed down on purpose. He's worried about the tire pressure. I didn't see far enough into it. He let his brother get in front of him.
PBD Podcast
Hegseth Confirmation Hearings, TikTok Sunday Ban, Bill Burr Wildfire Backlash | PBD Podcast | Ep. 535
It's very good to see you. I heard you had to evacuate your home.
PBD Podcast
Hegseth Confirmation Hearings, TikTok Sunday Ban, Bill Burr Wildfire Backlash | PBD Podcast | Ep. 535
Americans are demanding we restore prosperity and build upon the success of President Trump's economic policies that gave the American people the best economy in my lifetime. However, that effort is at risk if we do not make the 2017 tax cuts permanent. If Congress fails to act, the average family of four will end up paying the equivalent of nine weeks of groceries in higher taxes.
PBD Podcast
Hegseth Confirmation Hearings, TikTok Sunday Ban, Bill Burr Wildfire Backlash | PBD Podcast | Ep. 535
After four years of sticker shock at the grocery store, that's the last thing families need.
PBD Podcast
Canada CAVES To Trump Tariff Threats In Trade War | PBD Podcast | Ep. 561
Go ahead and play the clip. I'll tell you what's funny. I made fun of the fucking Twitter guy for fucking Sieg Heilig not once but twice. And I never look at my emails. I was scrolling through my emails and it said my Twitter account had been flagged for inappropriate. I don't even tweet anymore. had been flagged for it. What a fucking baby. Just like Hitler. A fucking baby.
PBD Podcast
Canada CAVES To Trump Tariff Threats In Trade War | PBD Podcast | Ep. 561
How about the fact that the Twitter guy, he's not even from here. He's from South Africa. He comes to this country and wants to turn it into a fucking dictatorship. He doesn't feel that we deserve democracy. Can you just imagine doing that? Going to another country and not... Vinny? He's not done.
PBD Podcast
Canada CAVES To Trump Tariff Threats In Trade War | PBD Podcast | Ep. 561
Because I've decided.
PBD Podcast
Canada CAVES To Trump Tariff Threats In Trade War | PBD Podcast | Ep. 561
Yeah, he doesn't mind living under a dictatorship as long as he's on the good side of it. Fucking laminated face cunt. Because that's another thing. All of these people that are into fucking Hitler, you know what I mean? And like, look at this guy like he was some sort of fucking hero. The guy's one of the biggest fucking cowards ever.
PBD Podcast
Canada CAVES To Trump Tariff Threats In Trade War | PBD Podcast | Ep. 561
All the pain and all the suffering that that guy's caused and the war crimes the allies had to commit, firebombing fucking cities to get that motherfucker. When it came time... For him to pay the price for all the suffering he caused millions and millions and millions of people. Did he face the music? No, he gave himself a nice, quick, painless fucking death.
Prof G Markets
Nvidia Earnings are the Super Bowl of Business + Trump’s $5 Million Gold Card
I'll tell you what's funny. I made fun of the fucking Twitter guy. for fucking Sieg Heilig, not once but twice. And I never look at my emails. I was scrolling through my emails and it said my Twitter account had been flagged for inappropriate... I don't even tweet anymore. It had been flagged for... What a fucking baby. Just like Hitler. A fucking baby. Because that's another thing.
Prof G Markets
Nvidia Earnings are the Super Bowl of Business + Trump’s $5 Million Gold Card
All of these people that are into fucking Hitler, you know what I mean? And like... Like, look at this guy like he was some sort of fucking hero. The guy was one of the biggest fucking cowards ever. All the pain and all the suffering that that guy's caused and the war crimes the allies had to commit, firebombing fucking cities to get that motherfucker.
Prof G Markets
Nvidia Earnings are the Super Bowl of Business + Trump’s $5 Million Gold Card
When it came time for him to pay the price for all the suffering he caused millions and millions and millions of people. Did he face the music? Nope. He gave himself a nice, quick, painless fucking death. That's your fucking hero?
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
They were all chanting, asshole. And I remember he didn't know what to do. He's like staring at the headlights and has it going, asshole, asshole. He just goes, thanks a lot. You guys have been great. And I went on like, you know, a couple hours after that and the sun had gone down and I made a few mistakes getting into it. And then they got on me and they all started booing. It's Philly.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I think I went out there. I was worried. So I was timid. So I was on my heel. And, you know, the crowd subconsciously senses that. And then I also think I might've done, started to do a bit. And I was like, wait a minute. I think they played this bit on the radio. And then I got in my head. Did they already know this joke?
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
So I was sort of like a half click behind doing the joke and it didn't work. And then I go, what the, I can't remember. I just remember, I thought it was the end of my career. I'll be honest with you. So it was like 10,000 people booing me. But then I just started trashing their sports teams, and that's what saved me. And them. Well, it was because it was the tri-state area.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
So there was, you know, if I made fun of the Flyers, there was Devils fans and Capitals fans. So I got pockets of people, like, laughing. And this was before the Phillies won another World Series. So they had won, like, one World Series in 100 years. Yeah.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
You know, and then they also did a bunch of dumb shit, like, you know, put up a statue of Rocky, but not Joe Frazier. Like, they put one up of a fake white boxer. An actor. So it was pretty easy. I've never watched it. I'll be honest with you. I never watched it. Oh, my God. It's so funny. I was riding home with... Bobby Kelly, one of my great friends in this business. And he, I was just quiet.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
No, but I didn't know how people were going to take it on the internet. I thought they were just going to watch it and see me getting booed. And I thought everyone was going to make fun. You know, I catastrophized. So we were driving back up whatever that highway is. And I remember Bobby was going, he's like, dude, you just told the whole city of Philly to go fuck themselves or whatever.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And I was kind of like, dude, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. It's going to come out on the internet. This is going to be a fucking disaster. And then I was also worried that like everywhere I went, they were going to do that. Like that was going to be my thing. Because no one knew who I was. And this was my first big viral thing. And it wasn't me doing material.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
on the tour and I was walking around backstage and people in the crowd saw me and they were going boo before I even went out there fuck oh jeez so I remember I was talking to those guys going guys you gotta put me on early you gotta give me a chance and they didn't they put me on late and I walked out and they just started booing me and I was just like guys I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this and then it was funny they were like
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
hitting me up on MySpace. This is how long it was. People at Cleveland being like, dude, there could have been such a great moment in comedy and you ruined it, blah, blah. It was so funny. Like a lot of listeners of the Opie and Anthony show, the fans thought they were really educated on standup comedy to the point that they would lecture standup comedians about it, which is fucking hilarious.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I mean, I've watched some plumbering videos, but I don't think I would ever sit there talking to a plumber going like, hey, you know, I think I'm gonna use a different size C clamp there. So, yeah, that's what I was worried about. So my next gig I had after that was... the punchline.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And I went from 10,000 people on the tour to just doing this perfect size comedy club that was only like 180 people. And I was like terrified in the green room. Like that's how my brain used to think. I used to, you know, catastrophize. I don't do it anymore, but I used to be. And then this is going to happen, this is going to happen.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I'm going to live up home with my parents and I'm going to watch them die. I would literally do that over a bad set. So I went up on stage at the punchline and it was like, these were fans, of my act, the Opie and Anthony show wasn't in San Francisco. And then also the big thing is I could see all of them.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
It takes no balls to boo somebody when you're in row 40 on up. I can't see you. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. So I could really, you know, get them.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Or just bizarre. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say like the angrier people because then it's this weird thing where you have to get them so you maintain the audience's respect. But if you get them too well, are they coming up here now?
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Oh, I had a woman throw a shoe at me one time. I was doing a gig in Spanish Harlem. For this comic, Smokey, who's absolutely hilarious. Remember he had this hilarious bit about a crackhead trying to steal a parrot out of a pet store. And he would have like the mic under his shirt yelling, I came in with it. I came in with it. He was fucking hilarious, right? So...
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
It was like this weird sort of like, you know, it was like a satellite room. So it wasn't a comedy club. It was almost like, you know, like when those lecture halls with the teachers way down and they go up like that. So I was doing the gig, right? And I'm doing the thing and I was like, sort of like leaning forward as I was doing this.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And the shoe came down, because I got into it with this woman and it hit me like right on my inner thigh. And I immediately was going to get mad. You know, somebody throws something on stage, but it was, and then, but then there was this tension because it was an all black crowd. I'm a white dude, like what's going to happen?
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And I was able to turn it around because I looked, you know, I picked up the shoe and the shoe was, oh my God, it looked like it got dragged down the street by a bus, right? So it was like, like really quiet in the place. I was like, you know, I was going to get mad But then I looked at this shoe and then they all started laughing. And I was like, and I realized this isn't about me.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
This is about a childhood of no hugs. I forget what it was. And all I remember was I got everyone to laugh again. And then she came down to the stage to get her shoe. Wow. Oh, wow. So- I was like, what are we doing? We gonna like hug this out? We gonna hug it out? And she was cool. She came up, we gave a big hug. I gave her a shoe back. And it was so cool.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Like a few weeks later, I was riding the downtown six. I was living on the Upper East Side at the time. And I ran into this woman that was at the show. And she was just like, I was at your show. And that woman threw the shoe and she goes, me and my friends are still talking about that and blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, like once again, no one knew who I was.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
So those little like moments of validation of like, oh my God, like they went to my show. Not only did they like it, they're talking about it. Like they remember you. Well, yeah, those are those little things along the way as you keep getting... you know, kicked in the chest to keep you going.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Yeah, I just kind of learned, you know, there was that weird period in stand-up where it started with the Me Too movement, which was amazing that it went from like, let's get rapists and sexual assaulters out of the business. And within like 18 months, it became like, hey, I don't like what you're talking about in your stand-up act. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your career's over. It just got spun off.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
out of control. Like, so, and then that's when people started, I would be doing interviews and they were saying, you know, some of the statements you made last night on stage, it's like, there was no statements. There was no jokes.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And that's, and what I, I would just always say, it's like, listen, you know, I'm up there joking around. All right. If you make the decision to take what I said seriously, doesn't mean that I now meant it. You know what I mean? So you're free to do that. If that's what you want to do, you're not going to have a good time.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Like I was in some place recently and there was a giant river next to the theater just rushing down the thing. I was like, you know, this is a great city to kill your wife. Just throw it in and it goes down. You know, they have no idea where she is. Just a stupid thing like that, right? Now, if you go like, and then there's going to be somebody and they go, my best friend got killed by his husband.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
It's like, yeah, well, I didn't do it. You know, it happens in every city. Yeah. I'm not saying to do it. I'm being ridiculous. I said that because I have to explain comedy to you. Like, why would you come here?
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
It never happened. It was in New York and LA, but then as a comedian, you went out on the road. But the problem is, is all of these people that were like sort of controlling that narrative sort of sit here and- in New York or LA.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Well, that's their universe. Yeah. That's why like, like my favorite thing in the world is watching these idiots on award shows lecturing people about race, right? You know, they go up there and they got to say something about that and homophobia, blah, blah, blah, whatever the fuck they're doing. And you look at Hollywood, they're just now integrating.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Like sports integrated like almost 80 fucking years ago. Right. And then now they're just getting around to giving more people opportunities. Right.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
You know, it's like, dude, what the fuck? What fucking world are you going to sit here and like lecture? Because what? Oh, you know, Black Lives Matter. You had your Instagram page all black for one day. Wow. Yeah.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Yeah. It had to be on the right side of history. That's what I love about my people. And I always say my people. I hate when, you know, and I was guilty of that. When white people say white people, it's like, no, it's us. I hate when we fucking do shit like that. And we think like that stupid gesture is still about us. I had to, you guys. I just had to use my voice to fucking play.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
It's like you didn't even leave your fucking apartment. Right, I know, I know.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I had a meltdown. I couldn't figure it out. So now, now I have a, I have a guy that helps me out. That's good.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. He also thought I had a stomachache and it was a ruptured appendix, but that's a different story. What did mom do? She was a nurse. Okay. My mom's a beast. My mom's a beast. CCRN, ICU. She had all the letters. And I remember one of the funniest things ever as far as like a job becomes a job. I was dropping her off at work. We pull in.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
She just goes, ah, Christ, will you look at all those ambulances? And I just bursted out laughing. She goes, I know, I know. I shouldn't look at it that way.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Yeah, I've seen her save a couple people's lives when they had issues. I love that. I love that. In public, she just knows what to do. Yeah, someone was having a stroke. And she immediately looked at her watch and all of that stuff and knew that they had this enzyme, thank God, now that they can shoot in. And if they do it within some amount of time.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Well, this person there, I was like tearing up. That's what made my mother clock it.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
The eye was tearing up. The person was in like a CVS or something. They were trying to get some ointment for like their eye because it was like tearing up. And we happened to be there. So my mother was just like silently like a fucking, like a secret service. Like she was just read like, okay, you know, she just knows that that could be a thing or whatever.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And then the person couldn't talk and they just went down. It was fucking scary. Wow. And so, and everyone was like freaking out. And she was just like cool as a cucumber. Called the ambulance. They got there. And when they showed up, I couldn't believe it. I was just seeing her in action. She like knew what time it started, you know, so they knew.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And then they shot the enzyme in and they were able to break up the clot. That's pretty cool.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
No, they were totally supportive. But they're also like artists. Like my dad is a, you know, plays a bunch of different instruments, can draw you as you're sitting there. He's amazing at drawing and all of that stuff. And then my mother is a stealth artist because she grew up in the 40s and was left-handed and that meant you were the devil.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
So they made her right-handed and she's actually a left-handed person. And it sort of became a theme, I think, in my mother's life of like, I wanted this, but they made me do that. And she just, oh, okay, I guess that's what you do. So she's had like this sort of funny experience with that. And then later in life, she's gotten into like, she's tapped into that side of her, the artistic side.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Yeah, yeah. I mean, they didn't have any problem with me going into it. But my mother is like, you know, she's like German Midwestern. So like, it took the longest time to get like a compliment. Like, it's just like, I like almost like stopped telling her when I was on TV. And then I remember... One time I went back to Boston. I did this show at the Comedy Connection when I was in Faneuil Hall.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And I just went on. I caught a zone and I just murdered the whole time I was up there. And I got off stage and I remember she just went, now that was a good show. And I said, all right, I finally got her. And then for like the next six years, every show I did, she compared to the Boston one.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Yeah, I did a lot of warehousing. I tried like landscaping stuff, but just being a redhead in the sun, it was just brutal. I tried roofing and stuff. It was just, I was going to die. I'd be dead of skin cancer by the time I was 20.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
ah dude i i sucked at everything like i just i just i had massive massive fucking add massive childhood trauma and shit and like i was like yeah like fucking i'd get like i think it's first started getting alopecia when i was like 12 just from like fucking stressing just being in a fight or flight i want to talk about shit i'm not gonna get into oh yeah i guess like people always try to get those stories out of me i'm like dude you're gonna like 17 people would have to be dead before i could tell those fucking stories right right innocent people
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I could show you some report cards that would debunk that theory. No, I... I don't... I was like a fucking cat on a leash, dude. Like, I don't know what it was. Like, everything... I was... I just wanted to... Every place I was, I didn't fit in. I just was always outside the thing looking at it. And I was looking at everybody else and I was trying to do what they were doing.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
It was like my... Like, it was really an outer body experience most of my childhood. And then when I went down... to my second show I ever did. It was this long gone comedy club, Stitch's Comedy Club. And I remember walking in there and there was all of these fucking damaged open micers. And it was the first time I ever felt like I was around the same kind of weird that I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I had found the right nuts to hang out with and like how they viewed the world and how they interacted with it made sense.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Oh, I had a killer group. It was... I came up... Let's see, Dane Cook, Patrice O'Neal, Robert Kelly. And then there was this kid who came down from Maine, Bob Marley. That was his real name. He was born in like 67. So that was before Bob Marley made it. That's funny.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Yeah. Oh, yeah. You haven't won since Bob Marley wasn't famous. He was growing his first dreadlock.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I love you guys, and I don't understand why you hate the Bruins. We have a mutual...
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I think it was a lot of Europeans won that cup for us. You're just assuming that you guys still dominate the league.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I'm so sorry. I was just enjoying the podcast. You know, about dogs with Prozac. I mean, that's... How would you know the dog is depressed? I mean, it doesn't... I know. I don't know. What did it talk to you about?
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
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SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
P P P P P P P實 , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a and a and a and a and a and a and a and a and a and a and P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P G generæhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Oh, you needed Prozac, and the dog ate it. No, a different dog had the dog Prozac.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And I used to be, and that was my first podcast. We're only like five, six minutes. It was, it started off with, it was on the MySpace page and you would post it. And I was over... Bobby Kelly's apartment, once again. Yeah, Bobby Kelly. And we were both living near each other in New York at the time.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
He says, you know, he says, do it alone, right? And I was like, all right. So then I just started doing them and I liked it. And it's been this amazing experience
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
exercise for me because i don't have guests really so i just sort of babble and then answer questions and stuff and it grew to 10 minutes to 20 minutes the same way you build like a stand-up act and now i can just by myself sort of talk for an hour so like when i shoot a special yeah going out and trying to like you know come up with a whole new hour is is is a lot easier for me. Yeah.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Hey, this is what I would think. Sounds to me like you got upsold by that vet. It does. From milk bones to fucking Prozac.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I feel because of, of doing that because I'm not, I'm just, I can, I can go into flow mode. Yeah. Got it. Do you, do you, sorry, Sean, was that painful for you? Yeah. I got it. Price with your process.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I never used to do that, but lately I have been because the rule is basically if I do it on the podcast, I'm not doing it on the show. But if I feel like it's like, you know, I just waded into the water and it's going to go a lot deeper than that.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Like... You know, I had like a dad moment with my two kids that was, you know, it just worked out perfectly. How do I do this? Because I don't want to do the bit, but it was basically my son wasn't listening to my daughter, and then she was mad at him, and she wanted to get him back, and I gave her the green light to do it, and then she did it like a woman. Like, it was diabolical.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
It was fucking amazing. I was just like, holy shit, like... Wow, that is a female brain in there because I never would have thought, you know, guys are gonna punch you in the face. Like they pitch story and they fucking come up with something and they just put maximum. How old are your kids? Pain and suffering, seven and four, soon to be eight. Oh, how fun. Oh yeah, my son's hilarious.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
His new thing is he'd be like, when he gets mad at me, he goes, he goes, that's it, dad. He goes, you're going to jail. I'm calling Kojak. Because he has an old dad and we watch Kojak. And he loves Kojak. And one of my favorite, like, I don't know if you guys had this with kids when you realize how much you're going to be friends with them for your whole life.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I was sitting on the couch when my son was three and we're watching Kojak, right? So it's an old school cop show. So basically anybody who isn't white is running down an alley with a knife. You know what I mean? So it's like this 20-year-old Puerto Rican actor in like the prime of his life.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And he's sprinting down this alley and he's getting chased by the character Stavos, who's Telly Savalas' real brother. And he has a full head of curly hair and he's fat. He looks like a fucking weeble. And he's chasing this shredded Latino kid. So they show the Latino kid, flies down the fucking alley like an Olympian. And then Stavos and his loafers is running by.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And my son is just watching Stavos running. Then he just goes, three years old, he just goes... And I looked at him, and I started laughing. We both just started cracking up, and I was like, oh, my God, that's it. We're going to smoke cigars. I'm in. I'm in with this dude.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Listen, Bill, I know you've got a personal chef who's just made you a fucking egg salad sandwich, no bread. Yeah.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Hey, before I go, Sean, when you did that Jerry Lewis, that was one of my favorite things. Oh, thanks, man. I thought you nailed that. And obviously, Ozark was one of my favorite shows. And Will, I got nothing. Here we go. I knew it. I knew it. No, no, no. I'll tell you what. Being a dad, Lego Batman. It's fucking amazing. Barbara. It's fucking amazing. Thank you. Thank you, Bill.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
It makes the kids laugh. No, you guys are going to take your fucking compliments.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
All right, guys. Nice to meet you, Bill. All right. Nice to meet you guys, too. All right.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Believe me, when you kept losing your internet, I was thinking about that. How is this helping me? No, it did help my relationship. I got out of the house, which gives my wife, you know, a break from me, which is always nice. Do you find that?
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
No, I don't do that. But I just try to make her laugh. So I just call up and just be a goofball, lighten up the mood.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Yeah, it actually does. My wife has a great sense of humor. She's actually, believe it or not, I think she's funnier than a lot of comedians I know. Like, she's, like, hilarious, so. Well, that's not hard.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
So it's basically sort of a business relationship at this point, you know? We'll set up a Zoom...
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
No, I love talking to my wife. She's hilarious. Good for you. Do you have kids? Wait, Jason, hang on one more time.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and I am in the waiting room waiting for the three gentlemen, we'll call them, of the Smart List podcast. It's funny. They told me to be here by 845, even though the podcast starts at 930. So it's sort of a point of contention already. But this is the Smart List podcast. Here we go. Smart.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And also, the first three games of a seven-game series, you do not want any part of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Those last four, though. Nothing but smooth sailing.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
No, 2011. Yeah, this century, last decade. Fine. You haven't won since Lyndon Johnson. Yeah. You haven't won since before we faked a lunar landing. It's been a while. I knew it.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
They were still playing with straight sticks. They didn't have the... Stan Mikita hadn't figured it out yet.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I always feel like when I go there at some point, all our AI replacements are going to come up out of the basement. And kill their human versions. Like AI Dave Chappelle is going to come up.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Solid. I wasn't going to let you walk around looking like that. I know. Because everyone was talking about you at that point, Sean. Yeah.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I wanted to be on the right side of history. You know, guys, I've been out here in L.A. long enough, and I just felt like, you know, I needed to tap into my inner hero.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Uh, since 2007. Oh, I didn't know you lived here. Dan, I love it out here. I love it out here. And I like reading natives of Los Angeles because they love Los Angeles and they know the history of it. And I just can't meet another stupid fucking New Yorker that is bitching about how much they fucking hate it. And everybody's so real in New York. Like nobody lies on it.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Everybody's just, you know, contractor says it's going to take two weeks in New York. He's done in 13 days. It's so fucking stupid. And then the worst traveled people ever, New Yorkers, they get so freaked out. Like they go to Hong Kong and be like, let me get a bacon, egg, and cheese. And then they couldn't get it. This fucking place sucks.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
They come out here, dude. They give up on their dream to make it in this business because they don't like the pizza.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
They're homesick. They're pussies. They're pussies. And they act like they're tough because there are tough people in New York, but not you. You're an actor. You're doing a soliloquy. All right. Let's not act like you grew up in Brownsville with Mike Tyson.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
L.A. sucks. That drives me up the wall about New Yorkers. They think that Frank Sinatra song, New York, New York, is about them. It's not about growing up in New York with the support system. It's about not knowing anybody there and moving there.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
It's not growing up and you got your mother here, your dad over there, and you get to go home like, show business was mean to me today, and they rub your fucking head. It's about going there and you don't know anybody. Right. Like Frank. Frank Sinatra was bridge and tunnel. Came in for New Jersey and then he had hits and then they fucking claimed him. Steinbrenner was from fucking Cleveland, Ohio.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
I'm telling you, a lot of the shit that happens in there is from other people. It's small, right?
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
Am I using that right? That people think that I walk around doing that shit. I don't. I only do it when it's done to me. So I've had, like, I lived in New York City during the height of the stupid Curse of the Babe thing, which was just always all bullshit. What's that? What's that?
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
It was this fairy tale that white people made up because we didn't want to admit that the Red Sox didn't integrate till like 1992. And that's why we couldn't win.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
it's because we traded some fat fuck like during World War I and that's and if you do that all of a sudden you're not I mean at some point when are you going to take responsibility that you had an all white team right through the middle mid 60s yeah right
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
It was this radio show, the Opie and Anthony show, one of the big breaks I had in my career. Opie Anthony and Jimmy Norton got me on that show, and that's when I first started selling tickets. So they had a bunch of comics on there, the late, great Patrice O'Neill, Voss, Bobby Kelly, all of these guys. And they decided to do a stand-up tour.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And it was, you know, sort of a Howard Stern-style show, so you knew it was going to be a hostile crowd. So we were doing this tour, and we kind of knew the Philly show was coming. We just didn't know which city it was going to be. We knew... It was going to happen. So it was, we showed up, I forget where it was. It was right across Camden, New Jersey. It was a long time ago.
SmartLess
"Bill Burr"
And the fucking Philly people, they were like tailgating. They had like Eagles jerseys on throwing footballs. It was fucking wild. It looked like it was either going to be a football game or a metal show. So the first guy went up and got booed. Oh God, it was so bad. The sun was still out and he was from Philly and he had half his family there. It was so fucking bad.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2140 - Trump & Vance WRECK Europe
The amount of people that are struggling out there because of these billionaires, and they got us all arguing liberal and conservative. We got to stop doing that. If you work a full week at a job, you should be able to pay your rent. You shouldn't have to go out and get another job and still be struggling. It's bad for the country. These billionaires. They need to be put down.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2155 - Stock Market PLUNGES…So What’s Next?!
You're going to leave the country because of one guy with dyed hair plugs and a laminated face. who makes a bad car and has an obsolete social media platform? You're going to leave this? Why doesn't he leave? Why hasn't he stopped? What are we so afraid of this guy who can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag? You can take him on. Why do liberals just sit back and they have nothing?
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2155 - Stock Market PLUNGES…So What’s Next?!
What are you doing? This. Okay. This. You got to speak up about it. You don't just go like, oh, my God, what? Like, listen, first of all, it's like I'm a stand up comedian. It's not my friggin. I'm talking about like Democratic politicians. Where is their pushback? They're allegedly liberal. You see this guy do this thing.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2155 - Stock Market PLUNGES…So What’s Next?!
You know what the end result of this thing is, which all these neo-Nazis, not only they stupid because they're neo-Nazis, they don't even look at what Hitler did. He ruined their country. And this idiot is going to try to lead us down that road and then play it off and act like he didn't do what he just did. And you can get canceled as a comedian for doing a frigging Caitlyn Jenner joke.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2155 - Stock Market PLUNGES…So What’s Next?!
But this can see Kyle and nothing. Where are all the liberals? Where are all of these these these these white chicks at the award shows that were speaking truth to power? Where are they? Why did they choose to go after comedians and not the Ku Klux Klan? How come they never got canceled?
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2164 - The Democrats’ 2028 Frontrunner Is…AOC?!
This state has almost 400,000 regulations. I just put in a new roof because the fire, I thought, oh, let's get a roof that's not going to burn up. Two inspections. Why are you inspecting my roof? It's my roof. If it falls on me, that's my problem. And we're taxed more than any other state.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2164 - The Democrats’ 2028 Frontrunner Is…AOC?!
People are leaving these kind of states for places where they're not, they feel the heavy breath of government on them. It's just, it's not that hard for Democrats to understand this, but they seem to be incapable of doing anything about it.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2163 - The Left’s ASSAULT On Musk Continues…
The nerds that own the politician, all these tech nerds that want to build robots because they don't know how to talk to hot women are going to take over the world. They're going to take over. They are literally going to replace us. We're like beta right now and they're coming out with like the VCR.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2163 - The Left’s ASSAULT On Musk Continues…
And I think Elon has got the rockets going because they realize there's other Earths out there and they're going to trash this one because they don't have any concern for it and they're going to move on to the next Earth.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
The Big Suey: The Nutmobile
He was a piece of . And he had two kids this close together and he named them the same name. Yeah. Good point. He thinks it's different because he's Billy and I'm Bill. Like that's how he told the difference.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
The Big Suey: The Nutmobile
You know, but I just would prefer if he just kind of let **** go around. No, not telling these **** stories. Why did you feel the need to do that?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
The Big Suey: The Nutmobile
You're a Cubs fan? That ****. Does YouTube give you awards for setups? Healing fathers who secretly have two families? This is some Dr. Phil going on here. Yeah, thank you. I think that you guys should take a moment. I think we're on the same page thinking that you're kind of a dick right now.
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
Yes, yes. Like most people, I had to. I got lucky. You know, the winds moved, but, you know, the fire was coming and all that stuff. So I feel lucky. And I think everybody did a great job. Yeah. Unlike the internet, you know? Yeah, right. I know. It's right. Oh, my God. All of these fire experts. Why didn't you just fly a helicopter into the ocean?
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
And then just, I don't know, because it was 100 knot winds. You want to do that? You want to do that at night, you lunatic? How are you? This was definitely mismanaged.
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
Mismanaged, like some idiot on the internet knows how to manage the worst fire in LA, sitting there in his underwear. You know what? Looking at the footage on the internet, I have determined that this here was mismanaged.
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
I love how all the chatter out there is about bands of illegal immigrants and homeless people lighting fires. They light fires every day. They're living outside. It's cold. And this theory that some homeless guy without a car went from Altadena all the way to the Pacific Palisades. And then we have a hang glider.
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
You know, and they're talking about looting, but CNN and Fox News are not going to bring up the insurance companies that are just going to keep everybody's premiums and still give themselves a bonus. Yes. Free Luigi. I love how they acted surprised. Why did that happen? I have no idea. He wrote on the bullets why it happened.
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
No, everything has just become f***ing absolutes in the states. It's f***ing nuts. Like that Colin Kaepernick guy, right? You knew when he was protesting during the national anthem, no one was going to listen to what the f*** he had to say, no matter how much he explained it. He goes, I'm taking a knee during the national anthem.
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
This is a protest about police brutality, the way people of color are treated. We'd like to open a dialogue. He got about halfway through that. People are like, my brother's fighting in Iraq, you f***ing piece of s***. It's just like, buddy, buddy, nobody is saying your brother isn't in Iraq fighting. You're not listening. This is about police brutality. My brother's a firefighter.
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
He watched 9-11 on television. No, no, no, buddy. Nobody's saying that your brother's not a firefighter. I got a bone spur in my heel. I can still stand up during the dog. Buddy, nobody is saying you can't see a podiatrist, all right? You're not listening.
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
I sat next to a shoeless cowboy on an airplane. Guy had no socks or shoes on the whole flight. The whole flight, I'm sitting there looking at his dirty Jesus feet. And all I'm thinking is the next pandemic is growing in the bottom of his feet. And all I'm going to be is the next, you know, patient number two, whatever the next disease is, you know?
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
So I'll tell you what kills me is I looked at the guy and all I'm thinking is, you know what? God made that guy. You know, and he keeps making that guy like one mouth breathing moron after another. Yet we still go to church on Sunday. What do we do? We praise him. When is the constructive criticism coming? Like, dude, when's the last time you made a Gandhi? Somebody empathetic, you know.
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
I find a lot of that racial stuff, like, fascinating. You know, like, the different rules of, like, who gets in trouble, who doesn't. Like, I've noticed black people have the genius to put the curse word after they say the race of the person, where white dudes, we always put it in front.
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
And if we would just make that little adjustment, we could save so many careers, so many jobs could be saved in the white community if we would just put it after.
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
I would love to hear the rest of this story, right? Dude, I would tell the exact same story, right? I'm standing there, right? This Asian comes in, right? Everybody's like, whoa, whoa, hey, easy, easy, easy, dude. What year is it, you know? It's like, dude, I just said what he said. I just preempted the, that's all I did. He suggested he's hooking up with people's mothers. I'm not even doing that.
The Matt Walsh Show
Ep. 1516 - The Lie Young Men Are Being Sold
It's just a quick, I got it out of the way. I got it out of the way.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I'd rather the anger than the, you know, just the not caring. Yes. Yeah. When we were working that roasted out in some of those black rooms, they were like, they were looking at us like we were corny. And I'm like, oh, just tell us we suck. I know.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I told him you were coming on today, and he was like, Doug will never come through New York City. I bet he's staying in an airport hotel.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
The sleeveless shirt on dude is aggressive as fuck.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
It depends. That's a good question. It depends on the city. Yeah. If there's a cool downtown hotel.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
You were saying about coming up, like, you know, having each other's back. Didn't you co-headline with Hedberg?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
That's so cool, though, man. That's such an amazing show to see.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
You want to grab it? Oh, yeah.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Yeah, Knuckleheads does not seem like the proper venue for Mitch Hedberg.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I'll have a sip of this. Can we do a hot toddy for me? Keep going. Do you want a hot toddy as well? Yes. So let's do three hot toddies.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
and still pay Hedberg a flat rate right right and just bilk off his success oh that's horrible god damn yeah Hedberg would be on Howard Stern like he was really about to be a household name and his late night sets were just killer like the beauty was seeing crowds get that like on Letterman where you're like oh wow he's connecting with this unique like my mom once heard Hedberg and she was like this is like brilliant yes she's like
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
She had to pull the car over. She was laughing so hard. Wow. I remember William Stevenson, R.I.P. William, hosted The Cellar all the time. And he said the first time he heard Hedberg, he's just listening in the hallway laughing. And he thought he was black. Yes. He went in and he was like, holy shit, it's a white guy.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Yeah. Did he, I mean, were you seeing, when you were doing a gig like that, did he kill that gig? Yeah.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
So apparently you fucked that up. Every club had side splitters. I was like, two drinks. They'd be like, Vic Henley. I'm like, oh, there's always someone drinking too much. That's true.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
John Fox was like the party road guy.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
It's called We Might Be Drunk. Oh, all right. We might be. And some we shoot at like 10 and 30 in the morning. And sometimes the guests sober so we feel weird getting hammered. Yeah, I've skipped a few of those.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
What's impressive about you, Doug, is that you did this shit, but you kept churning out new hours. Yes. You're functioning.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
So... I fucking lost my train of thought. No, just, like, the comfort, how that takes you out of...
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Exactly, exactly. But you gotta also like have some fun too. But yeah, I know what you mean. Like you're so uncomfortable on the road for years that the second you have a nice little thing, but then I do, I agree. I do feel myself slipping now that my life is easier.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
pet peeves yeah bring them on I got a few as well I think that's actually good though is like you get comfortable here and then you go outside and you get instantly irritated yeah it keeps me thinking of jokes at least yes that's why seven degrees and you're fucking angry and people are bumping you and you're like all right it's fucking it's turning again there's a rat there's a hobo there's a syringe that's why LA comics suck LA's on fire and that'll wake them up yeah LA's on fire you're you're complaining it's fucking seven degrees here ah
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I don't want to sit through. There are legendary drinking stories of you that I've been to clubs and they're like, Doug Stanhope fucking, he did some shit here. And I'm like, I got it. Like Appleton is one I heard. Appleton, Wisconsin.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Good Lord. This is way too calm a voice for what's happening. This poor dog. Get him out of there.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Well, I have a friend from L.A. who said New York's unsafe. A guy got lit on fire there on the subway. I'm like, that's your whole fucking city right now. That's a great point. That's a great point. L.A. is natural. You buy a home in L.A. There's like nine different types of insurance you have to buy. Right. There's like flooding, earthquake, mudslide. Fire. It's a lot of fucking insurance.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I'm glad this one's not coming out for a couple weeks. Hopefully things work out. Give it some time. Yeah. No, it's fucking bad.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
That's why we just do it this way.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Dude, you have one of my favorite lines ever in a thing where you say, when I do comedy, it's like I'm taking you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end. No. That's one of my favorite lines in a comedy record ever. I don't know if that's on Deadbeat Hero.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Well, I heard one that fucking killed me, and I don't know if it's true, but the story was you were hammered on stage. You're still killing, but you're hammered. Turn off your phones before you go on a podcast. I didn't know where we were going to be going. But some woman complained that you were drunk, and you just walked over. You overheard her, and you were like, they made us.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Well, yeah, once you've had a few hours, you're just like, how much shit is in here? I know. I mean, I totally get that. I think the first time I talked to you was when Shane was staying with you during COVID. All right. How did that happen? I mean, that cracked me up that Shane just like fucking fled to Bisbee.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
No, I think we did Jim and Sam way back in the day once, but yeah, you picked me up at the airport once. I went out to smoke. I think it was St. Louis.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
What? Peter and I got off and we're like, this is the best surprise ever. That's incredible. I needed a boost going into St. Louis as well.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
That's so cool. No, that made my day. That was awesome, man.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I respect, I think it's cool, man. You're like one of the last, like, suit drinkers.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
The constant peeing. If someone's not in the window and they have to go, I'm like, I totally support it. Yes. You got to piss.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
That's worse than what you did to Nate.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I remember your album, Something to Take the Edge Off. That Bobby Barnett close is one of my favorite bits. Oh, yeah. Just the passion you tell this hookup story with and just the lines in it. You have lines that I think about. That's just great writing where you say you're trying to hook up with this most beautiful woman you've ever seen. She hated long hair. I was thinking of getting it cut.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
She hated cigarettes. I was trying to cut back. I was saying all the right things that night. I'm like, oh, that's out of a fucking 40s movie. Yeah.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Killer. But those are taken in the moment, I guess. One's on stage, so he's not.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Sean Rouse, RIP, funny, funny dude.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Fire in the Maternity Ward. That's it. Yes. Great special title. Great title.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
But you know what? I mean, I think a lot of it, we were chitting on it last time, but like a lot of the shows now are just dumbed down. Like I was talking to someone about like how they have to say what the plot is in the first couple minutes. So if you're folding laundry, like I guess if like Glenn Powell's in that movie Hitman, in the beginning he has to be like a, So I'm a hit man.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Can we go to the- She's in LA right now. All right. In the fucking fire. I hope she gets that.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Winnie's doing auditions. She's working on her headshot. No, they're in L.A. right now. Dude, I fucking love that dog. Every time that dog leaves, I'm like, it better not be the last time.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
A chug, like a chihuahua?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Kind of, yeah. No, it's more just because this is kind of slippery and she's so old. All right. Well, you know what chucks are for old people.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
You've told me this story, and there's a clip of Louis on The Daily Show being like, if you don't find farts stupid. And he got so mad at Mark for farting on him once. Yeah.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
You should have played this for him after you did that. I should have, yes.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Agreed. Dude, by the way, your episode of Louie is one of the best. Oh, that's killer. That was incredible. That was a great character, man. I mean, that show, Louie, I rewatched a bunch of them lately. It's so fucking good. So good. That led to absolutely nothing.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
You should talk to Todd Barry about his performance in The Wrestler.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
You killed that role. Actually, Todd was amazing in that, too, but you fucking crushed so hard in this, man. It should have led to some stuff.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I remember it was such a it was so good cuz it's an inside episode about like that room because you mean bar You know bars, but it was broad.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
He was at the Lantern.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
That show, I missed that show. I mean, it was, I mean, it went like five seasons, but fuck, it was so good. So good. The shit he would do, like that three episode arc in, you know. In the Middle East. Yes. Or the three-episode arc where he's going to take over for Letterman. With David Lynch. David Lynch. This is fucking so weird.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I believe that's the title of the... Look, no, was this excess in moderation as well? No, that's, I think, the CD. Yeah, something to take to the edge of. I love that one, too, though. Yeah. Oh, and is this one don't get fucked up on your time, do it on the company's time?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Oh, okay. I've listened to them all.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
We had a great line in something where someone went up to you and was like, Dane Cook sucks. And you said, well, I like Dane better than I like you. Yeah.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
That's true. Well, you also, I mean, Mark and I talk about this all the time, but, I mean, a great show, The Green Room Man, Pulp Event. Oh, yes. Our two favorite episodes, we've talked about this to death, are yours and Itel's and also the one with Shanleen and Maren and all those guys.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
it was yeah it was it was a really cool show and i mean i know you had like the moment with bells like that was weird i bought your book yeah because he's talking about no he said what's merch yes merch i like it's like the book of yours how to do stand-up comedy that i bought yes yeah yeah and to tell another dig on him it was really funny where he was like the guys they looked up to and he was like no like alan havey and like he's like no they were funny
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I was like, oh my God, are you just saying this? I mean, to tell us, you guys together were great. And yeah, that was one of my, but you had that story in this episode where you said you saw the people, you know, outside a venue and you were like terrified. So you crossed the street and it turned out they were trying to get into you.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
That's the podcast, though. That's the one you want to hear. Nikki Glaser overrated.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Oh, my God. That's such a brilliant line. Discount meat on YouTube. Doug Stanton. Yes. Watch that right now. Check it out. Legendary comic. We love him.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Get out. That's the move. So guys, watch the shit out.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Because, yeah, it's hard to... So do they demonetize it because of that stuff?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
No, but like if it's a clip to... Yeah, I have a guy who does it for me and he's like, this word they'll censor. I'm like, whatever, just do it. You do it.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I think we just bleep killed. That's hilarious. Killed self. I think we just bleep killed and then self is fine. But yeah, it's so stupid.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
They can't, I mean... Basically, Zuckerberg made a deal with Trump that Trump is going to, like, you know, you can censor Instagram and, you know, all these other countries, like India... Which is a huge, huge place for Instagram users. Yeah. And he's like, Trump will have my back, making sure shit doesn't get censored. Interesting. But then he has to kind of scratch Trump's back.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
That's basically what's happening. Well, I'm all for no censor, but who knows where this will lead. Yeah, I hope they fucking – that's my issue with it is like you don't know what the goalpost is anymore. You're like, well – so you just put out a special like our buddy Joe List, his shit got demonetized because he said – but it's like, well, you didn't tell me I couldn't say – Exactly.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
A clipper just came up on my feed and it was her at some roast. But she goes, she had a line that killed me where she goes, man, the room is buzzing tonight. And that's not just the flies from Aziz's relatives. Wow, that's great. He's there. He's laughing. I'm like, that's a great fucking roast joke.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I had my opening joke in my Amazon special. They were like, do you mind moving that anywhere else? Because a baby dick suck joke as an opener might be a problem. And I was like, have you seen The Boys? Yeah, right? The latest? Yeah, I cut it. I'm going to use it in the next special.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Your mom's story, though, is fucking amazing, too, from your album.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
That's another one that's like, I mean, you're essentially like seeing your mom through.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Yeah. Yeah. But that is like, that's like a beautiful thing that your brain goes to that. That is like a, that is a great way to, what's that?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
It's almost gayer to be like, that's aesthetically pleasing to me.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Yeah. I ran into Bobby in L.A., and I've never met him, but Louis Black told this great story on this pod about going to Epstein's house, and they didn't know who he was, but they were drinking at Epstein's house. And I told that story, and Bobby was like, oh, thanks for telling that story on the pod. I'm like, is that good?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
That's a bad fucking word.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
That went viral. Oh, he was awesome. Louis Black Rules.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
In Manhattan. Yeah, he had dinners and stuff.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I know, but isn't that part of you that can't be like this?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
No. But she killed it.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
But don't people not know who Banksy actually is?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
they're brutal i did uh during covid my ex-girlfriend worked in art gallery and we were already broken up we're on good terms and she was like do you want to do a gig on the roof of the gallery and i'll get a bunch of people and at that time i was like comedy i'll do anything sure yeah you're right they stared blankly at me yeah but then afterwards they were like good show and i'm like this is how you like so even if they like you they're just like what the fuck yeah have you done the uk
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I got to piss, too, actually.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
It shows you how well that did.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Did it hit you while you were fucking her or right as you came?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I heard a story about you. Nick Swardson told me that you went, I don't know if this is during COVID, but you were like this close to reaching your miles on Delta or something. And you just flew around the world.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I like the idea of Chicago, I think.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Nice city. You're on water, too.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Back in the day, I might have even said SF, but now I'm like, fuck that. Yeah, it's not the same. But San Diego is gorgeous. Gorgeous. It's a ton of work. I'm not even a beach guy, but there, you're kind of like, this is fuck. I could like, I would want to do like a week at the comedy store there.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
It's so beautiful. Dude, I don't leash her. She just walks without a leash in the city. Yeah, no, they don't leash. This is off-leash dog beach.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Dude, I'm worried in this weather she'll get fucking swooped up. That's true. These winds. She weighs nine pounds.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Did you go solo or were you with your wife?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
October. Is it a gun? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Wow. We just hammered the whole time?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
With the herpes and the baby dick sucking? No, the joke was my friend had a baby, so I text her congrats, and she sent me a picture of her breastfeeding the baby, and I wrote, oh, okay, and she wrote, sorry if that's the equivalent of like a dick pic, and I was like, I think it'd be way worse if I sent you a picture of a baby sucking. That was a joke. That was my opener.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Yeah, well, now I get it back for the next better.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
When they said that, I was like, cool, I'll get the joke back. Yeah.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Oh, okay. You were doing a set there.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Kind of like Davidson versus Duke here. This is a tough matchup. It's a Cinderella story.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
And this was to reach a certain mile level?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
No, she was awesome, man.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Yeah. When you say the word remains, it does sound worse.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
That's why it's all covered up.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Dude, I love that you rocked the suits and everything.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
This week I'm at Zany's. Next week I'm killing Russians?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Migrants don't get points either.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Is there status for migrants? They're like, I'm Diamond. I get to board the bus first.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
He had a fucking moment over here, too.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Oh, okay. IHG's good, though.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
A friend, Joe List, just made a documentary about him that's incredible. It's really good.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
loyal to anyone i i know at this point i'm not but like delta is the one i if i choose because yeah i just i can fly with them the most so i try to hit the number with delta i did the road so i'm pretty high on all of them but delta i'm diamond can i uh yeah i just can i undress please just ran in and yeah
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I killed a rat. You haven't killed a rat.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Look at that. Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Are you going to add Adelaide maybe or Perth or something too?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
But that's how it always is.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
There's one within 40 blocks of you tonight. You should come hang with the seller.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Yeah. They want you to go.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Ari Shafir, yeah. But that happened to me recently, too. But it was on your show. But Ari said, yeah, I mean, you didn't like me. And she was like, no. And he goes, but you didn't say anything. And I appreciate it.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I throw on movies all the time. Then I'm like, oh, that was bad. I don't make a stink of it. I'm just like, I'm going to watch something else. I guess you did go out for this. That's true. I think people have gotten so used to just everything being... Curated. Your algorithm is curated for you. So when you go to a thing and take a risk, that's almost foreign to people.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Interesting. I don't think it's that. I think it started before that. And I think it started actually with COVID and people going back out and not knowing how to act anymore. I think it was like a combination of being obsessed with your phone and it feeding that.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Everything is made for that. You can tweet a Trump. A date nap. It's like, no, no, no. It's so for you. Yes, yes. Anything you get you don't like, you're just like, ugh, even if it's free. It's called a for you page on Instagram. But you get free shit, and you're like, ugh. And I'm like, that was fucking free.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
It does feel like, instead of like, it feels like speed dating. It's like, all right, get to it. Yeah. With everything, but you're like, but this, I worked on this bit. I crafted this. I spent a lot of time making this the way it is, and I don't want to give it away.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Great comic, man. One of the greats. Really happy. We wanted you here for so long.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
There it is. No, just add this at the end. Yeah. Bill Maher threw you out of his house in 95?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Well, you're living in Arizona. You don't need a hot toddy. New York winters, man. It says feels like seven out there. I know, it's 23. It's pretty good.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Yeah. This is a whiskey drink. I feel like a lady now drinking this. This is like a cool drink. I'm like, ah, shit. It's got cinnamon sticks and a lemon in it. I know.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Just put in Mike McCrae, Mitt Romney.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Pull up Vaughn Meter doing JFK. I'm kidding.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
It's already a success, though. I saw it. It looks like it's already getting. It's over 200K or 300K, so you're cooking. You're cooking, man.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
oh yeah charlotte richmond philly dc bethlehem tulsa austin dallas houston nola memphis knoxville it goes on and on nashville birmingham atlanta durham that's all february so come the fuck out and then i'm coming everywhere so just go to uh that's tom segura's tour i'm coming i'm so jealous of that tour name great name coming everywhere that's great yeah i got providence new haven portsmouth added a show portland maine burlington montreal toronto buffalo the egg
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Yeah, it goes on and on, but if you don't see your city there, I'm coming at some point. So yeah, samorell.com slash shows or just follow us on Punch-Up, man. We got to get you on Punch-Up, Doug.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
What's your go-to drink?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Sure. It's healthy if you have one, then you have like four. Alcohol is not even the problem. You have this much sodium in a fucking drink?
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Those little onions. But if you're in Madison and they have all those bars and they bring you one, they will do crazy shit.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I love that a woman finally crushes an award show and we're like, Look at those tits.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
I think Providence has the most strip clubs per capita.
The Startup Ideas Podcast
4 microSaaS ideas you can build to make $100k/month
Right, right. All those stories, Atlanta used to do that. That's true. You used to do it too? Yeah. Wow.
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