In this episode, Sari Azout, Founder and CEO of Sublime, explores various startup ideas and business concepts. The discussion centers on the evolving nature of startups in the AI era, emphasizing the importance of focusing on specific, well-defined problems rather than broad solutions. Sari shares multiple business ideas, from parental control services to creative tools, while discussing the philosophy behind building successful products in today's market.Timestamps:00:00 - Introduction and setup00:57 - Startup Idea 1: DrScreenTime06:39 - Startup Idea 2: Business-in-a-box ideas13:34 - What becomes scarce in an AGI world? 14:38 - Founders and Their Approaches16:10 - Akio Morita Simplicity Principle 17:01 - Startup Idea 3: Podshot 22:10 - Discussion on micro-startups 25:53 - Testing Ideas and Positioning29:03 - Feedback and Intuition33:04 - Startup Idea 4: Meme generator Key Points:• Discussion of several innovative startup ideas including "DrScreenTime" (parental control franchise), PodShot, and meme generator • Exploration of business-in-a-box concepts and the future of trades/crafts• Analysis of micro-startups vs. traditional startup approaches1) The "Franchise for Parental Controls" Idea Parents are desperate for help managing screen time. Current solutions = messy.Opportunity: In-home screen time consultants who:- Set up controls- Create family rules- Recommend apps/toolsRevenue model:• $2K setup fee• Recurring affiliate revenue• Think "Dr. Screen Time" 2) The "Business in a Box" Trend Big insight: What becomes scarce in an AI world?Answer: People doing things with their hands!Opportunity: Modern craft business franchise• Partner with local artists• Supply chain + education• Target: offline-first experiences• Status = disconnecting from screens3) The Trade School Revolution Huge opportunity in modernizing trade education:• Lambda School model for trades• Zero upfront tuition• Revenue share after job placement• Bundle with business tools/marketing• Focus: plumbing, electrical, etc.Why? Trades becoming MORE valuable in AI era4) The Micro-Startup Strategy Modern startup playbook:1. Have a 10-year vision2. Unbundle into micro-products3. Start with easiest/viral pieces4. Build distribution firstKey insight: "Nobody searches for an inspiration engine"5) Product Development Philosophy Two types of founders:• Artists (creative vision driven)• Scientists (iteration driven)Choose your path but stick to it.Sari’s 2024 goal: "Take less feedback, trust intuition more"6) The Meme Generator Opportunity Final killer idea: Long-form to meme converter• Input: articles, presentations, links• Output: culturally relevant memes• Train on curated meme library• Potential $10M+ SaaS businessWhy? No idea goes mainstream without memes Key Takeaway:2024 startup strategy:1. Build close to OR far from AI2. Focus on what becomes scarce3. Start micro, think macro4. Distribution not ProductNotable Quotes:"No idea will become mainstream if it's not captured in a meme." - Sari Azout"Screenshots are the new bookmarks." - GregLCA helps Fortune 500s and fast-growing startups build their future - from Warner Music to Fortnite to Dropbox. We turn 'what if' into reality with AI, apps, and next-gen products https://latecheckout.agency/BoringAds — ads agency that will build you profitable ad campaigns http://boringads.com/BoringMarketing — SEO agency and tools to get your organic customers http://boringmarketing.com/Startup Empire - a membership for builders who want to build cash-flowing businesses https://www.startupempire.coFIND ME ON SOCIALX/Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregisenbergInstagram: https://instagram.com/gregisenberg/LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gisenberg/FIND SARI ON SOCIALSublime: https://sublime.appX/Twitter: https://x.com/sariazoutSubstack: https://sublimeinternet.substack.com
Dude, I love that you rocked the suits and everything.
Yeah. Are we on?
Yeah, we're on, dude.
Oh, we are on. Oh, shit.
I didn't even know that. I hate when you waste good shit. Yeah. And you go, all right, we're going to start. Fuck.
That's why we just do it this way.
I usually start and go, okay, fuck.
Yeah, let's hear it.
That's the podcast, though. That's the one you want to hear. Nikki Glaser overrated.
Did you guys write for that?
No. But she killed it.
Did you write for a roast or something? We did a roast on Netflix.
It shows you how well that did.
Yeah, exactly. I remember you were talking about it, and I couldn't tell if you were talking about writing for Nikki or for a roast.
No, she was awesome, man.
She did have about 78 writers. You see that photo?
I know.
It's a lot of writers, but she killed it, so it worked out.
That's the only time I've ever been tempted to watch a... Fucking awards show. Yeah. There's just so like self-congratulatory. Just the, they exist bothers me. I remember they got an award. She was so fucking good on that Tom Brady thing. Yeah. Yeah. I think she got her boobs done.
Call in.
I love that a woman finally crushes an award show and we're like, Look at those tits.
Well, first of all, who else has their tits out in that photograph? Her and Mike Lauren.
Yeah. But yeah, no, she did great.
And how the hell are... What are you doing in the city? Do you know Pat McAfee? Sure. He used to always wear, like, fucking tank tops. Tank tops. And you're like, who wants to see your arms? I feel the same way about women, like, anchor women that wear, like... What? Sleeveless fucking... Put some fucking... Cover up your arms.
The sleeveless shirt on dude is aggressive as fuck.
I don't like it on the dude.
It's not my favorite.
You see the armpit hair and that weird floppy skin right there? It's not great.
You want to grab it? Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Cheap shit. That's the cheap shit, but I traveled with it, which means I had to check a bag. But I bought these sleeves that you get at Duty Free. Are you not doing it? I'm going to go hot toddy. All right, fuck it.
I'll have a sip of this. Can we do a hot toddy for me? Keep going. Do you want a hot toddy as well? Yes. So let's do three hot toddies.
Dude, I remember the first episode of this show I watched. I forget who the guest was, but all three are drinking fucking LaCroix. Oh, yeah. I'm like, really? Did they go sober, dude? Drunk is in the title, but it just took you a minute. Yeah, we got there.
It's called We Might Be Drunk. Oh, all right. We might be. And some we shoot at like 10 and 30 in the morning. And sometimes the guests sober so we feel weird getting hammered. Yeah, I've skipped a few of those.
Like there's sober people that don't remind you that you're a drunk. Right. That are great. Like fucking Tell or Norton. I fucking love Norton. Love Norton. Yeah. But there's others where you go, that guy's such a not drinker. Yes.
I don't want to sit through. There are legendary drinking stories of you that I've been to clubs and they're like, Doug Stanhope fucking, he did some shit here. And I'm like, I got it. Like Appleton is one I heard. Appleton, Wisconsin.
Oh, geez. Those stories go way back.
Well, I heard one that fucking killed me, and I don't know if it's true, but the story was you were hammered on stage. You're still killing, but you're hammered. Turn off your phones before you go on a podcast. I didn't know where we were going to be going. But some woman complained that you were drunk, and you just walked over. You overheard her, and you were like, they made us.
No, no, I wrote it.
What? That's actually in one of my books. He forwarded me the email, Cliff, the manager at the time. Is that the Asian thing? No. And you know what it's called? The ringtone? It's called Comic. Oh, Wicked.
Comic whatever. There we go. Comic Sans. Yes.
All right, so what happened in Apple? So, yeah, she wrote this scathing thing. We had done a benefit show for a friend of ours who is graphically obese and to pay for his stomach stapling or whatever, lap band. Yeah, Bobby Kelly. It was me and Sean Rouse and Andy Andrist and...
Sean Rouse, RIP, funny, funny dude.
So funny. Oh my God, so good. So yeah, she said, I went to that show and you think this, they were making fun of the tsunami and 9-11 and none of this is appropriate. And I wrote, so he forwarded me. So I had her email and I wrote her a long email. I'm so glad you have our back on this. I guess what you don't understand is when we play clubs, the management provides us with a script, right?
And we have to follow that. And we voiced our concerns to management as well, because we are the ones that have to take the fall for this at the end of the day. It's a very long, just very professional written email. And she's like, oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening.
That's great. She bought it.
Wow. I brought you, oh, would you grab, in my backpack, there's a book in the main compartment I just brought to set on this stack. Put it on. What do we get? Oh, put it on top of fucking Natasha Leggero. Yeah. She hates me so badly. Why? I don't, I went to a party, which I never do. I went to Sarah Silverman's.
legendary annual party and I like I met her twice I knew like two things about her and met her once and I just brought things up that evidently you know I didn't know that was a fucking rough thing like and she ran into Brendan Walsh who I'm good friends with the next day and just talked shit about me whoa that fucking asshole that stupid guy with the fucking suit he was a drunken asshole like I just does Appleton all over again
And then so this year I was going to go back to it. I ended up not going, but she ran into Brendan Walsh and said, I hope that fucking asshole isn't going to be there again.
I've never heard that side of her. Wow. What'd you make fun of her for dating Bobby Lee? No, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I could have brought that up.
A clipper just came up on my feed and it was her at some roast. But she goes, she had a line that killed me where she goes, man, the room is buzzing tonight. And that's not just the flies from Aziz's relatives. Wow, that's great. He's there. He's laughing. I'm like, that's a great fucking roast joke.
Yeah, I did not dislike her at all. The one story I had, we had to do a photo shoot for, I don't know, GQ or fucking one of those Maxim. It was a comedy issue and it featured like 20 comics. And we had to do a photo shoot, which I loathe. I can't stand my just having cameras. Older rubber chicken. Yes, yes. And I'm like, all right, let's just get it over with. I only have one look.
I'm not an action guy. I don't have poses. Just take the pictures. But it's five of us. And she's like, let's do one. It's in the comedy store. Let's do one over in the cloakroom. Let's do one in the... And she just kept belaboring this, not knowing how much I hate it. And that was the story that I... That's it?
Well, just how much... I guess I was focused on how much I hate a photo shoot, and she took it as personal. I see.
You love a photo shoot, you fucking... Because she's really cool and nice and funny. That's shocking. She seems like she'd be right up your anal. Yeah. Bummer.
Oops.
When Natasha come in, we got it right here. My point about that duty-free wrapper for this shitty bottle of wine is I brought that because I got to get a bottle of bidet cat to take home.
Hell yeah.
Put on my podcast and have it sitting on the camera. It'd be an honor. It'd be an honor.
I heard a story about you. Nick Swardson told me that you went, I don't know if this is during COVID, but you were like this close to reaching your miles on Delta or something. And you just flew around the world.
Crazy flights. Yeah. I did those even after I didn't really need the miles. I fucking love flying. It is nice. The two I did the same route twice was Tucson. This is where I fly out of to Atlanta without leaving an airport. Tucson, Atlanta, Johannesburg. Whoa. To Amsterdam, back to Detroit, Las Vegas, Salt Lake. Holy shit. 77 hours total, 57 in the air. You're like a terrorist. It's crazy. Wow.
The second time I did it, I go, all right, that's it. It was funny the first time.
Did you go solo or were you with your wife?
No, and I went coach.
Wow. We just hammered the whole time?
Yeah, Xanax, and very little memory of the entire thing. Other than back then, all of those airports, you could smoke in still. Still smoking in Atlanta, still smoking lounge in Johannesburg, Amsterdam, and Vegas.
And this was to reach a certain mile level?
To hit diamond status.
That's amazing. What'd that cost you?
It was only $2,200.
What? For all that? Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. Damn, I wish there was like a hack and you could just kind of, I guess with passports. Well, they don't even do miles anymore. Now it's all dollars. Now you just have to spend the money. Now you have to look for the shortest flight that costs the most to get.
But I'm, yeah, I'm dialed in now. Man, that's like what DeSantis did to the migrants. Like, you got to go here, you got to go there. But you did it on your own volition. That's hilarious.
Migrants don't get points either.
That's true. If migrants got miles, they'd be living high.
Is there status for migrants? They're like, I'm Diamond. I get to board the bus first.
Yeah, they're not spending money. You don't get the perks. Are you guys like...
loyal to anyone i i know at this point i'm not but like delta is the one i if i choose because yeah i just i can fly with them the most so i try to hit the number with delta i did the road so i'm pretty high on all of them but delta i'm diamond can i uh yeah i just can i undress please just ran in and yeah
And I'm going to do this. There you go. Because you don't have the fucking Joe DeRosa seat. I understand why he wants to, like, all right, it's awkward to talk to him. If you want a seat over there, we can get you one. The early Rogan podcast where he did it at his house and it's just a couch and one camera and you're, like, trying to talk to each other like this.
I listened to a few of those once. I was bored on a flight. And I was like, let me go as far back on these Rogans as I can. And it was one with Bill Burr. They're talking like little handheld things like this. And they're on a couch. They must have said... 7,000 times, because it was like 2004 or whatever. It was like 2001, so it was a different time. It was crazy to hear, and it was a great ep.
Cheers, by the way, guys. I have never had a hot toddy. What? Really? Oh, my God. Good winter drink. The Hyman.
Well, you're living in Arizona. You don't need a hot toddy. New York winters, man. It says feels like seven out there. I know, it's 23. It's pretty good.
It's the opposite of a pedophile. Feels like seven. Yeah, I feel like Gloria Gaynor trying to get her voice ready to do a show at the state fair now that she's 79. Is she a will survive?
Yeah. This is a whiskey drink. I feel like a lady now drinking this. This is like a cool drink. I'm like, ah, shit. It's got cinnamon sticks and a lemon in it. I know.
That's not how I order it. Thank you. Even like an old-fashioned sounds cool in Mad Men era, but it's got a muddled orange in it. That's a good point. Your gal will take a sip and go, that's nice. I'll have one of those.
What's your go-to drink?
My go-to is vodka soda splash grapefruit or cran. Nice. That's a good drink. Fresh squeezed grapefruit. Can't beat that. But I try to change up, especially if I'm drinking out. I want something I can't make at home. Right. Oh, good point. I can't even make a Bloody Mary.
Really?
Well, not a good one. I'll drink V8 and vodka because it feels healthy. Yeah, right. And it is.
Sure. It's healthy if you have one, then you have like four. Alcohol is not even the problem. You have this much sodium in a fucking drink?
Yes. You know, I've heard you guys say that. It's not that bad. The sodium level is not really as bad as you think. I remember drinking tomato juice as a kid where my dad would put salt in it.
Yes. Salt and a little bit of lemon. My dad did tomato juice in the big tin can. Then he hit it with the two holes on the top and the bottom. Remember that?
Oh, yeah. That's how he would pour it.
How about Clamato? That's kind of good, too, right?
Clamato's pretty damn good. The gelatas.
Ooh. Yes. But if you make a Bloody Mary at home, you're kind of a psycho. That means you have Bloody Mary, vodka, a celery stick. Worcestershire.
Worcester. Remember when you guys were fucking showing a guy Fieri. Don't pronounce it like he does. Yeti. But you're drinking the Bloody Marys with the fucking lobster in it. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. Good times. Yeah, I'm not putting bacon and shit. Exactly, exactly.
Those little onions. But if you're in Madison and they have all those bars and they bring you one, they will do crazy shit.
Bring it on. I'm not going to turn it back. It's kind of fun. It's a meal. There was a bar in Madison that used to do porn and eggs on Sunday morning where they'd show old 70s porn on the TV, kind of with plot. More plot than fucking, and they have that and a breakfast buffet with giant Bloody Marys. Heaven on Earth.
I never made it because we would just get so fucked up on Saturday night that no one's getting up. But I've tried to recreate it at my house. I've found some... Like flapper girl fucking 30s porn. Yeah. They've made compilations of, you know, the girls dancing. It's like softcore so you can invite your neighbors. It's a lot of pasties and an occasional nipple.
It's not like... But we did that for about three or four hours until everyone was kind of sauced with mimosas into Bailey's and Irish coffee and into Bloody Mary's and into sneak in some fucking hardcore tranny porn.
Yeah.
People have all stopped watching the TV. Oh, there you go.
Look at that. Side by side. Perfect. In Rhode Island, they have Legs and Eggs.
That's why I have to face this way.
There you go. Yeah, Legs and Eggs was a breakfast buffet at the strip club in Rhode Island. I can't remember what it's called. Foxy Ladies. That's what it was called.
I think Providence has the most strip clubs per capita.
It's Tampa. Every fucking town you play, the guy that picks you up at the airport tells you, it's got the most churches and strip clubs per capita. If that tells you anything about Houston, Jacksonville, fucking every town. Portland. They have some. There it is. It's a great club. It's always unverifiable. You're like, Bethlehem?
There it is. Legs and eggs.
Yeah.
Look at that, 7 a.m. Who's making that?
You couldn't do porn and eggs at a strip club because everyone's going to turn away from the stripper. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of like you can't do comedy at a strip club.
Right, right. All those stories, Atlanta used to do that. That's true. You used to do it too? Yeah. Wow.
Yeah, it was a... Teasers was the name of the place. And they have amateur night. It worked out because you just MC for the amateur night. It was just a contest. And it's just professional strippers from other clubs that come try to be ringers and win 50 bucks. But you'd go up in between them. Yeah, fuck with them, but they still didn't even like that 30 seconds of intro.
Get to the fucking broad. Who's got a sadder life, comics or strippers, you think, in the early years? It's a toss-up. At least they're making more money. Long comics got longevity. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true.
But they're making ... They did a soprano. Well, at least in my early days, there was camaraderie. You got along. It's us against them.
Yes.
Early days of comedy. You started ... I started in Vegas, which is the worst place to ever fucking start, but you don't know that. Except for New Orleans. New Orleans is pretty bad. Which has never had a comedy club that was successful. Including Green Bay Appleton, the only city that had a professional sports team that couldn't have a full-time comedy club.
There's no other city that has sports that doesn't have comedy other than New Orleans.
Yeah, that's a good point. Miami sucks, too, by the way. I would throw that in.
Oh, I played there once. Once? You? I got fucking booed off stage almost every night. What? Like, people throwing things at me, like empty cigarette packs. And I was following Chris Porter. Oh, he's a killer. This was probably 20-some years ago. Wow. So around 2000, because I was dating a comic, which, oh fuck, we'll talk. Judy Gold? No, no one famous, and she quit. Okay, great. Lucky you.
so Chris Porter just had it was very urban it was very ethnic Miami probably maybe 70% Cuban 20% black and then people who are not going to have my back The 10% are mute. Right.
Yeah.
And he just had every fucking reference to every fucking hip hop song. And he just, he was built for that room and he fucking destroyed. Yeah. And I would get up and like, that was where I was primed. Maybe it might've been after 9-11 because that was when I was really peaking on fucking anti-authority, fuck the government and like all this shit. They don't want to fucking hear it.
No, it doesn't play in Miami. Yeah, they're here to hear fucking Gloria Estefan. And it was like, just after the first night, I assumed I'm getting fired and I'm going, hey, it's, and they're like, why, why would you leave? Like, did you see what the fuck? They were throwing fucking empty packs of cigarettes at me and fucking just, like, not even like angry heckling, like that roll your eyes.
Yes, yes. Like dismissive, like, gee, get the fuck out of here.
I'd rather the anger than the, you know, just the not caring. Yes. Yeah. When we were working that roasted out in some of those black rooms, they were like, they were looking at us like we were corny. And I'm like, oh, just tell us we suck. I know.
You know? Yeah, the disinterest is worse when they're just turning away and talking to their friend. Yeah, fucking checking their phone. Attell won't... Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Attell won't even do Miami. Like, that's how bad Miami is. He's, like, the funniest guy on the planet. He's like, ah, I'm not going there. I wouldn't even, like... You're his favorite comic, by the way.
Yeah, he says that, and I say that about him.
Yeah.
He loves you.
I told him you were coming on today, and he was like, Doug will never come through New York City. I bet he's staying in an airport hotel.
I would if they had a decent one. But, yeah, I mean, here it doesn't matter. But on the road, would you prefer to stay next to the club or next to the airport on a one-nighter?
It depends. That's a good question. It depends on the city. Yeah. If there's a cool downtown hotel.
It also depends on what time you're leaving. Yes. You got a 7 a.m. flight. Get me by the airport. But if it's a fun town where I want to hit the city a little bit, I'll stay by the club.
You were saying about coming up, like, you know, having each other's back. Didn't you co-headline with Hedberg?
Wow.
That's an insane show. We co-headlined when it was really shitty clubs, basically one-nighters, so you wouldn't even... It's hard to call it headlining, but yeah.
That's so cool, though, man. That's such an amazing show to see.
Yeah, of course. Did people get him immediately, or was it a while?
No, the first time I saw him was at a club called Knuckleheads in the Mall of America, Minneapolis, and... Lewis Johnson was the headliner. I was the middle act, and Hedberg was opening. And Lewis had seen him, and he goes, man, you got to watch this guy. This guy is fucking. And the first night, he did pretty good. But the rest of the week, he's just fucking. Because he has no MC skills.
He doesn't come out and say, are there any birthdays? Yeah. He's following da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Y'all ready for this? Da, da, da. And there's a laser light show for a club of 350, even though there's 18 people in it. They still have the volume up like it's a sold out Saturday. Come on, you can do better than that. No, they're doing their best. Yeah, right.
18 of them, and they're not even sat in the same areas.
Yeah, Knuckleheads does not seem like the proper venue for Mitch Hedberg.
No, and he was new, but it was still, as Hedberg, not quite as polished, but still you saw everything that you're fucking going to love in the future. So it was great to watch him morph very quickly into fucking great.
I love that. Some nerd put up a bunch of sets from Giggles in Seattle, which is no longer there. But it's like early Bill Burr. I think he's dead. I can't remember his name, but I know everybody hated that guy. Giggles? Yeah, it was like Bill Burr, Geraldo. Terry? Young Tosh, young you. And it's so cool to see because, I don't know, it must be like 1999 or something.
And everyone is just there for the love of the game. No one's getting clips. No one's filming every show. And it's just trying to kill and getting heckled and getting drunk. And you can tell Geraldo goes up. He's like, I'm so fucking hungover. And the crowd's like, geez, look at this fucking idiot. And no one has any like, oh, these guys are all brilliant.
These guys are going to be famous and rich. It's just... loser broke comics going up for the love of it. And it's a beautiful thing because now it's all about marketing and clips and views and all this shit. So this is what you were doing. You were just out there at a mall getting drunk, trying new zingers.
That was right before he fucking died. Wow, you can look at him. Pale. Were you worried? That was two weeks before he died because we did, ended up, I got booked with him to open for him at a college show in Maryland, which I was like, all right, by now people know I'm not college material. This does not happen. So I assumed he asked for me.
Because when you guys both headline, you stop seeing each other. Yes. And it sucks. That's why we do this. So I assumed he had asked me to do it, and then when the kid that booked it, who probably got fired immediately for having me on the stage, we're driving back to the hotel, and I told Mitch, I said, hey, thanks for setting this up, because college gigs pay a ton of money.
And I needed it back then, and he said... I don't know. And the kid driver said, no, you guys are my two favorite comedians. Whoa. I did this. I'm like, oh, fuck. All right. Hey. So we went back and we did, that's got to be the green room. But we went back and we're doing 2005. Wow.
So he had done a few Letterman's at this point. Oh, he was fucking killing it now.
Yeah, Terry Taylor, I think is his name. Yes, that was it. That's when Hedberg was just starting to peak, and he was selling a lot of tickets, but he was not a negotiator. And that guy from Giggles would sell all these VIP things and overcharge people. Everything, if he ran it past Hedberg, Hedberg would go, no fucking way. You can't overcharge people.
and still pay Hedberg a flat rate right right and just bilk off his success oh that's horrible god damn yeah Hedberg would be on Howard Stern like he was really about to be a household name and his late night sets were just killer like the beauty was seeing crowds get that like on Letterman where you're like oh wow he's connecting with this unique like my mom once heard Hedberg and she was like this is like brilliant yes she's like
She had to pull the car over. She was laughing so hard. Wow. I remember William Stevenson, R.I.P. William, hosted The Cellar all the time. And he said the first time he heard Hedberg, he's just listening in the hallway laughing. And he thought he was black. Yes. He went in and he was like, holy shit, it's a white guy.
When I first heard Hannibal, I'm like, oh, Hedberg just stole from Black Pete. My mom loves those applause breaks. That's one of my favorite drunk pastimes if I ever get to drink with comics or doing a tell or a Hedberg and you just sit around the table and everyone's fucking throwing out their favorite fucking one-liners. Yeah. And Hedberg was kind of a household name if you were into stand-up.
Sure. You were definitely, back then before it really kicked off, before social media really kicked off.
Yeah, yeah. Back when getting on Letterman would change your life.
Yeah. Did he, I mean, were you seeing, when you were doing a gig like that, did he kill that gig? Yeah.
And he would entertain people who would throw out jokes, like towards the end of the show. Oh, wow. Like, do the thing. And he would, all right, I'll do the koala bear bit. Man, you guys are very demanding of my time. But I'll do this for you. Damn. He really enjoyed doing it. And he enjoyed fucking drugs, too. He loved heroin. I've heard. Comedy.
Yeah.
He was great at both of them.
He was very good. He was an enthusiast. I think, I remember Cap City, which I think is like a revamped version is back now. I don't know.
Yeah.
But they said- What a bad time to- I know.
Try to compete in the marketplace in Austin. I know. But they said- When you have a fucking barn for a room. Oh God, I hated that room. It was a big room. Some of the best times, but just the height of the ceiling. Yes.
Yeah. It was a warehouse, and it was right by that bingo hall, right by the overpass. That was like outside of Austin, you know? But I remember going there, and they were like, every comic gets two drinks. And I was like, what? Two drinks? And they were like, well, Doug.
So apparently you fucked that up. Every club had side splitters. I was like, two drinks. They'd be like, Vic Henley. I'm like, oh, there's always someone drinking too much. That's true.
Yeah, the trash, the condo guy. Yes. I went on Bill Burr's podcast once, which I felt awful doing because I would listen to Bill Burr on the road back then. for a while until I started getting mannerisms, and I gotta stop listening to this, and ladies, and I'm like, stop. It's in my head. But I did his podcast, and I apologized up front, because I hate it when you have a guest.
I just want to hear you, Bill. So I apologize to your listeners for being here because they would fucking hate me for being on your show. But he was telling me that I was like the John Fox guy, like the guy that fucking sticks his dick in the mayonnaise jar at the condo. I'm like, I'm that guy now? Because before it used to be, who was that, Ollie Joe Prater? Oh, wow.
Wow, I haven't heard that name in years.
John Fox was like the party road guy.
Yeah, and I worked with John Fox once and made the mistake of confusing an Ollie Joe Prater legendary story as him. And he's like, that's not me. John Fox was the most absolute fuck up, just awful, like repeating his joke several times in a set because he's so fucked up. But he was funny. Ollie Joe had the one I confused was where his nose started to bleed during the show from too much cocaine.
This guy?
Yeah. Holy shit. And it's pouring down his face, but he doesn't realize, and the audience is aghast. And at some point, it's all on his shirt. He goes... Oh, what, nobody parties anymore?
That's great. Oh, my God. Wow, this guy looks like right out of Hee Haw.
Our town motto is, you only go around once in life, so I'm going around drunk.
A little Ron White in there. No, wait. Pull up John Fox just to get a look at this guy because this guy was the psycho party comedian. The women, the booze.
Party is the wrong word.
But he's funny as hell.
Look at this guy. He did the same act for 40 years or something. Well, the act was in the way. Archibald Barrisol.
What's impressive about you, Doug, is that you did this shit, but you kept churning out new hours. Yes. You're functioning.
Yeah. No, I'm not like that. I'm not really a drug guy. I mean, I've had my drug moments. Here's the problem is a lot of your best stories come from nights on drugs. So when you have too many drug stories in your act- They think that you're fucking boof and trank in the morning. No, I learned that from you guys.
Yeah, that's true. Like Jim Jefferies has a great quote. No great story ever started with. So I had a salad.
Yeah.
And then I got home. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. True. So, yeah, I. Yeah, I'm a fucking go-to-bed-early guy. Well, day drinking will get you. I love it. It's a good day drinking town. I hate fucking New York City, but especially just the three blocks walking here, I came in with a good attitude. Like, I try to get out of my comfort zone and stuff. I fucking went to Ukraine. You guys were talking about that, dude.
About when you... Comfort is so addicting. Yes. And, like, you get a nice house now, and you got the fucking wife, and do you really have a kid on the way? Yeah, yeah. I know. Brutal. Scary. But that'll get you uncomfortable, at least. Yeah, exactly.
So... I fucking lost my train of thought. No, just, like, the comfort, how that takes you out of...
Yeah, and I have to force myself to, like, if I could just go to bed right now, why would I?
Yeah, it's hard, and comedy's all at night. It's late and shit, and you want to go to bed. Well, Nick DiPaolo's got that great quote where he said a friend was at his house, he pushed a button, a TV came out of the wall, his couch reclined, and he goes, that's why I'm not funny.
Exactly, exactly. But you gotta also like have some fun too. But yeah, I know what you mean. Like you're so uncomfortable on the road for years that the second you have a nice little thing, but then I do, I agree. I do feel myself slipping now that my life is easier.
But that's, yeah, the three blocks walking here, I immediately fucking hated everything so much. I came in with a good attitude. I got in late. I was at midnight. I got in a hotel. There was not traffic to worry about. There were no personal space issues. I just walked three blocks and a fucking cop. I go, was 39th this way or that way? And he's pointing what I thought was the wrong direction.
And I'm like, oh, no, I'm sorry. I misread the fucking sign. And I'm already yelling at people in my head. And I'm like, oh, great. I could do this whole show with fucking...
pet peeves yeah bring them on I got a few as well I think that's actually good though is like you get comfortable here and then you go outside and you get instantly irritated yeah it keeps me thinking of jokes at least yes that's why seven degrees and you're fucking angry and people are bumping you and you're like all right it's fucking it's turning again there's a rat there's a hobo there's a syringe that's why LA comics suck LA's on fire and that'll wake them up yeah LA's on fire you're you're complaining it's fucking seven degrees here ah
Is it warm there? Yeah, yeah. It is crazy. Air on fire racing out of the Palisades. Yeah, shit is gone. I have not seen any of the footage. I just heard about this fucking Annie Letterman who said to say hi, and I go, I'll wait till we're on the air. Annie Letterman called. She left a message at one in the morning. And I'm like, maybe she's like, help save us. We're on fire.
Maybe she wants to come stay in Arizona. Holy shit.
Good Lord. This is way too calm a voice for what's happening. This poor dog. Get him out of there.
Holy moly. This is what gays see when they die. Party's over, homos.
I'm going to spit it in my fucking hot toddy.
Let's see if it's still hot.
Well, I have a friend from L.A. who said New York's unsafe. A guy got lit on fire there on the subway. I'm like, that's your whole fucking city right now. That's a great point. That's a great point. L.A. is natural. You buy a home in L.A. There's like nine different types of insurance you have to buy. Right. There's like flooding, earthquake, mudslide. Fire. It's a lot of fucking insurance.
Yeah. At least the city is trying to kill us. That's God trying to kill us. You know?
I'm glad this one's not coming out for a couple weeks. Hopefully things work out. Give it some time. Yeah. No, it's fucking bad.
It's real bad out there. I know. It feels like the world is ending. Like the lady getting blown on fire, the shootings, the run over in New Orleans, this shit. It's just a lot of stuff coming out. Support the troops.
Dude, you have one of my favorite lines ever in a thing where you say, when I do comedy, it's like I'm taking you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end. No. That's one of my favorite lines in a comedy record ever. I don't know if that's on Deadbeat Hero.
Deadbeat Hero.
Yeah, fucking great.
Yeah, that's fucking 20 years ago. But that was where I do. I support the troops on an individual basis was the premise of a bit. Great. I wish I knew how to do clips where I could just cut that bit out of that special and hashtag it with New Orleans and whatever the other.
Someone listen to Message Dog and do his fucking clips.
You've got to clip that.
Some intern at NYU will do that for 10 minutes.
I get to a place where I go, I just was writing notes this morning and I'm going, I think I already did this as a bit, but now it's like whatever story where I'm going, this should be funny. And I'm like, I already did that about something similar. Anyway, I find myself stealing from myself. Right.
Well, yeah, once you've had a few hours, you're just like, how much shit is in here? I know. I mean, I totally get that. I think the first time I talked to you was when Shane was staying with you during COVID. All right. How did that happen? I mean, that cracked me up that Shane just like fucking fled to Bisbee.
Was that when we were drunk dialing the most famous people on our phones? That definitely wasn't me. No, he pulled out a bunch that you go, I don't know if that counts. Right. Who was he dialing? The first time I met you was the airport thing, right?
No, I think we did Jim and Sam way back in the day once, but yeah, you picked me up at the airport once. I went out to smoke. I think it was St. Louis.
I was in the Sky Club, so I just went out to have a cigarette, and I have to go outside, and there's a guy standing there with the Sam Morrill sign. And I go, if he's still here when I come back from this cigarette. And I gave him a 20 to fucking let me hold his sign. What?
What? Peter and I got off and we're like, this is the best surprise ever. That's incredible. I needed a boost going into St. Louis as well.
Wow.
That's so cool. No, that made my day. That was awesome, man.
And I was suited up, too, because I was just, I always fly suited up. Sure.
I respect, I think it's cool, man. You're like one of the last, like, suit drinkers.
You know what? There's manipulation afoot in it, too, because I always wear a fucking Delta, vintage Delta pin, and I have a fucking bag of fucking vintage Delta gadgets, and you will not get shut off drinking on a plane.
Oh.
If you've given them a 1973 vintage Delta fucking this and that. Yeah.
Oh, that's so nice. I love your pin.
Yeah. Thank you. Could I get a double?
You could probably grab a stewardess's ass at this point. I mean, you're all in. The suit, the pin. Yeah, that's awesome.
Probably not if you use the word stewardess. Oh, sorry. That's where I lost you. Did you ever notice for a drinker's podcast that this is kind of like a... It's like a sneeze guard. Oh, shit. You're right. Get him a straw. Give me a crazy straw. Give me a hurricane with a crazy straw. You said you could make anything, right?
Yeah.
We could whip that up. We might be able to whip up a hurricane. I have no idea what's in a hurricane other than diabetes. It's shit. I feel like I'm sounding like a telno. Fucking came in here so jacked. I woke up and I saw my face after. That's almost 12 hours of drinking for me to get here. Because I'm two hours from the airport, so I fucking leave early. And then I get for a 1 o'clock flight.
I'm there at 1130, so I start drinking at the bar. It's the only bar I'm a regular at is the Tucson airport. Like, Sam, what are you doing? Where are you going now? How's that thing that you did? And then, you know, in first class, if you get bumped up, or I usually buy first, but if I'm not making money where I'm going, I go, I should probably just, you know, roll the dice.
What's the point of chasing diamond status if you don't have the reward of getting bumped up? Good point. So I did get bumped up on the first fight, so I've had... Two drinks at the airport bar, and then I get your pre-flight drink, which I get fucking livid if they don't serve that. That's crazy. That's the whole point of first class. Yes.
Getting a drink before those other fucking simple motherfuckers. Yes. What did you say? It's a great peeve. Oh, peeve. Yes. All right. I thought you said pee. Oh. I try to hydrate. Get this guy a catheter. Well, what I did is I call them torpedoes. That size of water, if I could drink one of those in a day, it's almost half a gallon. It's 50-something ounces.
Okay.
And that's what they recommend, at least a half gallon a day. So I chugged this fucking thing before airport security that I've driven with but ignored. And now I forgot. I got bumped up, but I'm in a window seat. Ah. I'm going to have to piss this whole flight. And I sit there and I get my drink. He pisses me. He pisses like an old lady. I piss like a motherfucker. But at least you get an aisle.
Yeah. You think ahead. I try. So this lady sits down. She has a hard hat connected to her backpack. Oh, boy. A woman of a certain age. And then she gets to her. Like me, she keeps her Delta fucking earpieces. So she plugs in her earpieces for the in-flight entertainment, pulls out her tray and opens up a laptop. And then they come to say, what would you like?
The vegetarian option or the chicken Cuban sandwich? And I'm like, and then she orders tea, hot tea. And I'm like. I already have to piss. Yeah. So before the tea comes, I'm like, lady, I'm sorry, but let me get this done before I'm going to knock over. I have this fucking overcoat on. I say, slank it. I'm going to knock everything off. And so she said, oh, it's okay.
And I just squeezed every ounce of piss out I could then. Yeah. Sorry, I just did broken special. I was so claustrophobic just being in a window seat knowing that I'm gonna have to piss again. I didn't, but I wanted to the whole time.
Yeah, dude.
That's tough.
The constant peeing. If someone's not in the window and they have to go, I'm like, I totally support it. Yes. You got to piss.
But I also don't have projects I'm doing.
Right.
Like, yeah. If you're going to have the whole fucking build a fucking thing.
Yeah. Another great line. Oh, that's fun. That's a fun gif. Another great line that blew my mind when I was a young comic. I was watching your Comedy Central half hour. I think it was. Is that a premium blend back then? No, it was a half hour. It was a half hour. Okay. Yeah. I did both. Okay. Well, maybe it was one of them.
It was on Comedy Central, and you come out and you go, I got some fans here tonight, and the crowd goes, whoo! And you go, then what's my name? Silent. Oh, they cut that out. What? You must have just heard that story. I feel like I saw that.
If you've got a bit of book reading. I might have been on one of my CDs. That's how fucking long I've been around. I think three CDs, which I love every time you fucking belch. Oh, yeah. Or fart. The farting thing. Oh, tell that to David. Peeve is fucking eating on Mike.
Yeah.
You. Really? Yes. But the farting and belching I love. You showed the fucking Nate Bargatze's reaction to you farting. That's a fucking, that was a Hedberg peeve. One time at Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis, we were co-headlining and we would just get hammered and the late show would get fucking, we just, if you remember, you could just walk back into the green room from the stage.
So we'd walk back and talk to each other in the green room and then whoever's on stage would go back out or we'd go back out together. We'd do bumps like on the mic, but in the green room with the mic. And one time I took the mic and I farted in it and Bargatze had nothing on how much fucking Hedberg bummed out. Really? Yeah. Really? That is so inconsiderate.
Oh, I wouldn't do it during someone's act.
That's great.
Well, because he has to talk into the mic.
We were fucking around in the green room on the mic during a live show. I see, I see.
That's worse than what you did to Nate.
There it is. He did not. This is genuine hatred. Hold on. Let me just say this. This is the richest comic in America right now. And I just walked back in. I missed it. No, no, you're good.
Yeah, the discomfort continues. Yes, yes. It's so awkward in there. He doesn't move past it. No, he hated it. I love that I missed all that. But yeah, my early CDs, because I was a beer drinker, so I would belch just raucously. Yeah.
Raah!
And I'd just say that's my catchphrase because it wasn't like every scene. My last special, like fortuitously, I had a belch where I didn't really have a segue. Just, I'd rather be treated by a veteran. And then I'm like, oh, that gives me a fucking easy... I love myself. I hate myself most of the time. But one little thing like that can rope me back in. I love it.
I remember your album, Something to Take the Edge Off. That Bobby Barnett close is one of my favorite bits. Oh, yeah. Just the passion you tell this hookup story with and just the lines in it. You have lines that I think about. That's just great writing where you say you're trying to hook up with this most beautiful woman you've ever seen. She hated long hair. I was thinking of getting it cut.
She hated cigarettes. I was trying to cut back. I was saying all the right things that night. I'm like, oh, that's out of a fucking 40s movie. Yeah.
You say you hate photo shoots, but these are three iconic photos.
Killer. But those are taken in the moment, I guess. One's on stage, so he's not.
Hang on. Great.
I mean, it looked like Lenny. Is it Jeselnik? I put it together late, but doesn't Jeselnik have an album title where that would be a more fitting- Yes.
Fire in the Maternity Ward. That's it. Yes. Great special title. Great title.
It is. Great cover. Yeah, that cover was, by the way, previous to his title, I had this cover.
Yes. We got you. There you go. Look at that. Have you seen his? Byron, the attorney award's happening in LA right now.
No, his new one. Sorry. Continue. I tried to watch yours, but it's on Netflix, and I got rid of Netflix, and I was so proud because it took that fucking Tyson fight, and I'm like, you know what? I want to get rid of Netflix anyway because I'm paying like $30-something a month to get the best package, no ads or whatever. It's like $31 a month.
I go, this is like one good thing a month, and I could just go on fucking Reddit and ask a fan for their password to see the one good thing. I haven't done that yet, but I will.
But you know what? I mean, I think a lot of it, we were chitting on it last time, but like a lot of the shows now are just dumbed down. Like I was talking to someone about like how they have to say what the plot is in the first couple minutes. So if you're folding laundry, like I guess if like Glenn Powell's in that movie Hitman, in the beginning he has to be like a, So I'm a hit man.
Yeah, right. I have to start the movie.
Dumbing down a forced backstory.
The name of the title you should know. Squid Game is good, but it's Korean. So that helps. Yeah. Does not water down with our bullshit. It's just, you know, it's... That's right, Mark Norman.
Comedian Mark Norman. I know all about you. You're born in New Orleans. Your wife's name is May. Wow. I have a child on the way.
Man.
Speaking of fucking knowing, where's Winnie?
Hey, man.
I was going to bring dog treats for fucking Winnie, and I was late getting to the airport, and Bing was like, you've got to bring treats for Winnie.
Can we go to the- She's in LA right now. All right. In the fucking fire. I hope she gets that.
She's all right. Is she doing road work?
Winnie's doing auditions. She's working on her headshot. No, they're in L.A. right now. Dude, I fucking love that dog. Every time that dog leaves, I'm like, it better not be the last time.
Oh, yeah, right?
I love all animals.
Sorry.
I missed the joke. Okay. That's how I feel about you. Better not be the last time. Is that like a chuck? What do they call those? I guess it would be called a chug.
A chug, like a chihuahua?
No, no, no. What it lays on. Like the pad. It's always on a pad. Is it making puddles?
Kind of, yeah. No, it's more just because this is kind of slippery and she's so old. All right. Well, you know what chucks are for old people.
I don't know about a chuck. Oh, that's horrible. It took him a second. That's Jeselnik's new special. By the way, you know who hates farting is Louis C.K. Really? Yeah, for a guy who likes jerk-off jokes and jizz.
You've told me this story, and there's a clip of Louis on The Daily Show being like, if you don't find farts stupid. And he got so mad at Mark for farting on him once. Yeah.
Wow. I know. I was torn. I was hurt as a young comedian. I was like, you hate farts? You're like my hero.
That first book I wrote, the funniest fucking... Oh, God.
People think that that's lowbrow humor, it's stupid humor. To me, a fart is funny.
You should have played this for him after you did that. I should have, yes.
Okay, it comes out of your ass.
Agreed. Dude, by the way, your episode of Louie is one of the best. Oh, that's killer. That was incredible. That was a great character, man. I mean, that show, Louie, I rewatched a bunch of them lately. It's so fucking good. So good. That led to absolutely nothing.
Not one offer based on that.
You should talk to Todd Barry about his performance in The Wrestler.
He's already talking about it. He doesn't need a segue.
You killed that role. Actually, Todd was amazing in that, too, but you fucking crushed so hard in this, man. It should have led to some stuff.
He's been nominated for something, though. No.
No, he actually said he submitted that episode for the Emmys, and nah.
I remember it was such a it was so good cuz it's an inside episode about like that room because you mean bar You know bars, but it was broad.
It was like it just yeah, and that was one of the best episodes He and we're not like friends or like but we're friendly But it's not like I see him outside of an occasional festival or something And that was like so he had no idea how on the fucking nose that was oh, yeah
Like the dialogue, like I'd said a bunch of that shit myself, basically, not word for word, obviously, but I have talked about all that shit. It was like me if I didn't have money. Right. If I wasn't successful, that's still like I, you know, I don't know. I don't want to fuck anymore. I don't care. I have no desires for anything. And it's just, what's the point?
Just the nihilism in the character. I swim in that on a daily basis.
Right. Yeah, he captured that. And I remember you were going to these bar room, like, underground open mics that were so sad. And at the time this came out, I was doing all those rooms. And it was like...
He was at the Lantern.
I was like, I think I did a spot there that night. Exactly.
The Lantern.
And that was like real open micers. Oh, yeah. He just said, okay, just do what you do anyway. Yeah. Yeah.
That show, I missed that show. I mean, it was, I mean, it went like five seasons, but fuck, it was so good. So good. The shit he would do, like that three episode arc in, you know. In the Middle East. Yes. Or the three-episode arc where he's going to take over for Letterman. With David Lynch. David Lynch. This is fucking so weird.
I know. I love that this is on TV. He really had a run for a while. He was changing comedy. He had the ticket link thing. He had the $5 special. He had this show, which was like the Louis deal, 250K each episode.
You know what I found out? I saw in myself watching Louis ever throughout. You always know how old he is. If you watch any set, and I go, oh, fuck, I do that too. You know, I'm 52. I'm 53. You know how, is this the most recent special? He should be 58 by now. Right.
Yeah, I never thought about that. It's a good point. Well, you're never going to not be able to see it now. There you go. Well, we got to talk about no refunds.
Yeah.
To me, I think this is your opus. What do you think? I... Yeah, people... It's a tough question. It is.
I think it's just so good. I feel like it was... I've watched it. I've got to a place where I can watch myself from those days. I probably would never want... In 10 years, I could watch this podcast. But yeah, that's like a different you. When you're going back almost 20 years, I can watch it. And I was so annoying because I'm smoking and I'm drinking beer.
And so I'll have a beer like this as I'm, there you go. I have a fucking cigarette and I'm almost smoking it and almost drinking it. And I'm heckling myself going, drink the fucking beer or put it down. Don't do a punchline and go, hey, you know what I hate? That's just aggravating.
It worked, though. I mean, the bits in this, like kids should do drugs, not adults. The Jews chunk was incredible. I hate the Jews, yeah. That was an amazing bit. As a Jew, it was well written.
I believe that's the title of the... Look, no, was this excess in moderation as well? No, that's, I think, the CD. Yeah, something to take to the edge of. I love that one, too, though. Yeah. Oh, and is this one don't get fucked up on your time, do it on the company's time?
That's Deadbeat Hero.
Oh, okay. I've listened to them all.
That's weird, because usually I'm completely... Completely, I don't fucking know, but you just said three in a row that I know.
There you go. Well, kids, if you're not super familiar with Doug, watch this fucking hour. It's unbelievable. And you're dripping with the hatred from New York, too, which adds to it.
It does. Again, back to comfort, when you don't have hate. Like, now I feel kind of abandoned by comics, where you go, all these comics have, like, taken sides, where it used to be us against them. I hate it. Now, somehow, they fucking bought in, and they, like, picked, oh, you're either woke or this. I'm like, no, you... It's us against fucking Boulder, Colorado tonight.
And even if I hate you as a comic, all right, well, I hate the audience worse. Yeah.
We had a great line in something where someone went up to you and was like, Dane Cook sucks. And you said, well, I like Dane better than I like you. Yeah.
I put that on my website. I go, hey, if I walked into a fucking airport bar and all my biggest fans and Dane Cook are in there, I'm drinking with Dane Cook. No, he doesn't even drink. No, he doesn't. I drink with a sober Dane Cook before my biggest fans because we have something in common.
Yes.
It's like the Yankees and Red Sox. Yes. They'll fucking hang out after... They're not hanging out with the fucking... Cheap seats.
That's true. Well, you also, I mean, Mark and I talk about this all the time, but, I mean, a great show, The Green Room Man, Pulp Event. Oh, yes. Our two favorite episodes, we've talked about this to death, are yours and Itel's and also the one with Shanleen and Maren and all those guys.
Yeah. Oh, my favorite was Patrice. Oh, that was a great one. And Bob Saget. Yeah, and Sandra Bernhardt, right? And Sandra Bernhardt and Roseanne. Roseanne. But fucking Patrice tried to fucking, like, there's, and we can talk scariest comedians, but Patrice was. Easily. Patrice and Norton, like, I would never want to, like, they could break you down so fucking badly. So good at it.
You know, at any point.
Cut to the bone.
Yeah. And that's what we do. That's why I like when people say, oh, Rogan will fuck you. He could fuck you up. But he wouldn't. No. Rogan was not going to choke someone out. That'd be a bad episode. Yeah. Fucking Patrice. Patrice and Jim Norton would eviscerate you verbally, and no one could do it at a higher level. And Patrice fucking tried to call Saget out on that episode. Oh, yeah.
He's like, say something off the top of your head. Don't say the shit you fucking wrote in the back room. And fucking Saget came with it, and he went, all right. Right. He was like, fuck you, Bob.
it was yeah it was it was a really cool show and i mean i know you had like the moment with bells like that was weird i bought your book yeah because he's talking about no he said what's merch yes merch i like it's like the book of yours how to do stand-up comedy that i bought yes yeah yeah and to tell another dig on him it was really funny where he was like the guys they looked up to and he was like no like alan havey and like he's like no they were funny
I was like, oh my God, are you just saying this? I mean, to tell us, you guys together were great. And yeah, that was one of my, but you had that story in this episode where you said you saw the people, you know, outside a venue and you were like terrified. So you crossed the street and it turned out they were trying to get into you.
That was the line for my show. Yeah, I'm like, oh, this is sketchy. Let's fucking go that way. And I'm like, oh fuck, that's the game.
I was in Canada somewhere, Calgary. Joe Rogan choking a guy.
Oh, shit.
Really?
Oh.
Oh, he tapped.
Oh, the alpha sit on the railing there. Like, what are you going to do? I didn't know you were allowed to tap in a street fight. That's pretty cool. Come on. All right. Cut that. He could have just tapped.
Oh, is Tim Dillon gay? Sorry, I just saw.
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I love that Joe Rogan choking guy out leads you to, is Tim Dillon gay?
A joke world. Oh, I didn't know that.
Cold case, decades, you murdered people perfectly, flawlessly. You know how to turn off the cell phone so it doesn't ping when you bury it in a body. All the basic, the one-on-ones, and you got away with it for decades to the point where now you're just retired in your 70s.
You had that mail-order pride you had since fucking 97, and you lived a quiet, peaceful life, only to be busted by a podcaster.
What'd you shoot that on, a fucking Super 8? Yeah, you have to see it.
All right. We filmed it almost two years ago, May of 23. Oh, wow. And there was no... We get the footage, because they're built-in cameras, and... There's not any cutaways to, you know, crowd or anything like so to edit it. So, yeah, I get this Australian producer guy that I'm working with and I have all these old 70s small TVs. So he got very creative and creative. You have to look at it.
It's going to either annoy the fuck out of you. Just know if you're watching it, it doesn't change. I mean, it'll change to a different TV and there's like photographs of things I'm talking about beside the TV. Oh, cool. And he got really, really creative with shit.
That is cool. I mean, it might take you out of it, but it's also interesting. Yeah, just get fucking high first. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, I saw the opening joke, and it's really funny. Yeah. The thing about the opener. Yeah. Like, why do I need an opener? I can just be less funny than me for 20 minutes.
Oh, my God. That's such a brilliant line. Discount meat on YouTube. Doug Stanton. Yes. Watch that right now. Check it out. Legendary comic. We love him.
Yeah, it's all sorts of free. Hell, yeah. I wanted to ask you about that, because we didn't... He tried to, like...
He tried to clean it up, so I don't know how any of the monetizing on YouTube works, but he tried to make it monetizable, and he goes, he came upstairs, he lives downstairs from me, down on the next street, and he said, do you think, I can't do an Australian accent, do you think we could do this without taking that, the fucks? Now I'm Crocodile Dundee.
He said he just spent hours trying to clean it up. He goes, there's over 240 fucks in just the edit.
Fuck it.
And that's not even the suicide rape thing, everything. And he goes, and I'm like, yeah, I don't fucking care. Just do what's easy and get it out there. Do the Doug Stanhope route to success and don't care.
Get out. That's the move. So guys, watch the shit out.
Yes.
Because, yeah, it's hard to... So do they demonetize it because of that stuff?
I don't know. I was going to ask you guys. It looks like it's doing great already. Sometimes, if I'm just watching clips, you kind of clean it up. So do you do a clean version to promote the... Not on YouTube.
Yeah, you could do a little sizzle with clean material or if you put it on Instagram, I would do the... I don't edit in a special ever. No, never in a special.
No, but like if it's a clip to... Yeah, I have a guy who does it for me and he's like, this word they'll censor. I'm like, whatever, just do it. You do it.
Well, now I'm doing it. But the unaliving. Oh, come on. What are we doing? Promote an unalived hotline?
I think we just bleep killed. That's hilarious. Killed self. I think we just bleep killed and then self is fine. But yeah, it's so stupid.
Didn't bury you in the algorithm if you say killed or suicide?
Yeah, I think my algorithm is unlisted. I don't seem to come up. in anybody's feed anywhere.
Did Meta just say they were not doing censoring anymore? Something came out recently. And they're not fact-checking. What does that mean?
They can't, I mean... Basically, Zuckerberg made a deal with Trump that Trump is going to, like, you know, you can censor Instagram and, you know, all these other countries, like India... Which is a huge, huge place for Instagram users. Yeah. And he's like, Trump will have my back, making sure shit doesn't get censored. Interesting. But then he has to kind of scratch Trump's back.
That's basically what's happening. Well, I'm all for no censor, but who knows where this will lead. Yeah, I hope they fucking – that's my issue with it is like you don't know what the goalpost is anymore. You're like, well – so you just put out a special like our buddy Joe List, his shit got demonetized because he said – but it's like, well, you didn't tell me I couldn't say – Exactly.
Let us know.
This is new rules.
So yeah, it's all – He said 40 minutes in too and they were like, ooh, that's too much.
Yeah, no, I heard that if you keep the beginning of shit clean, they'll probably overlook – I have no idea.
I had my opening joke in my Amazon special. They were like, do you mind moving that anywhere else? Because a baby dick suck joke as an opener might be a problem. And I was like, have you seen The Boys? Yeah, right? The latest? Yeah, I cut it. I'm going to use it in the next special.
I was going to say, I just watched. I didn't watch it all because I was about to fall asleep. And you go, I can't. It has that effect on people. No. Yeah, I guess that sounded bad. You were going to fall asleep before you put it on. He was about to un-live himself while he was watching. I don't sit down in an armchair and watch TV. TV is only for, you know, 4 a.m.
when I wake up and go, oh, it's too cold to go anywhere. Yeah. Or at night, but I won't sleep to stand up because you're going to go, fuck, was this my idea or is that something I heard subliminally because I've slept to a... So, yeah, no, it's paused right where I go, okay, I'm going to watch the rest. And you're on Netflix, which I... I gotta
of youtube i've seen your throw on the youtube i've seen i've seen oh okay but your newest one is right right uh by the way are you in sam talent's book Is that partly about you?
He said it's an amalgamation. It's like the Louis thing. He said it's a lot of comics. Right, right.
His book is great.
It's so good. It's the best. My last book came out at the same time, and I just spent literally 20 times more promoting his book than my own because it was so good. And I don't like fiction, but that was truer about stand-up comedy than most stand-up comics.
books and there's really a there's a huge lack of i would love to read of ollie joe prater john fox etc biography about i always end up you know reading like punk rock i love fucking debauch yeah artists stories junkies i've never done heroin yet uh tonight's the night Boof and Trank and the heroin.
Your mom's story, though, is fucking amazing, too, from your album.
Oh, thanks.
That's another one that's like, I mean, you're essentially like seeing your mom through.
What were you saying about, like, I wish that happened to me? Something that happened to your friend and he... Hit by a bus. Hit by a bus. Because I always used to say the worst stories are the best material. If I found out I had cancer, the first thing I'd do, I wouldn't go to an oncologist. I'd rush to a notebook. What's her name? Tig Notaro? Oh, yeah. I'm like, God damn it.
That's what I was talking about.
I wish I had titty cancer.
I want that to be me. I thrive in tragedy. I don't.
Yeah. Yeah. But that is like, that's like a beautiful thing that your brain goes to that. That is like a, that is a great way to, what's that?
That was quick. That was great.
I look like I just heard that too like oh man dude you look so fucking James Bond suave in that yeah yeah I was trying to be fucking yeah it's funny Nate Bargatze was like wear a fucking suit this time I was like all right meanwhile it was fucking like it was a very like film noir 1940s that's what I was going for dude uh meanwhile it's Nate's new special he's not wearing a suit you piece of shit what the hell are you doing to me
It's like, no, that was for you. Yeah. He's wearing like a zip-up jacket.
That's why I was pointing out the, is Tim Dillon gay? Because I was just thinking that on the drive yesterday. I'm like, I think I'm way gayer than Tim Dillon.
I can see that. You've blown a guy. No, I don't think so.
Really?
Not a drunken student.
That is the best response we've had to that one, though. I'm not quite sure. I mean, just surface, like, basic things. Like, you're fucking gorgeous there. I love football. For the uniforms. And if you have, like, if Tampa Bay and the Patriots were both playing in throwbacks, oh, my God, I'm the fucking gayest guy. And that's not even, like, putting things in my ass. Right.
I don't even, like, I'm not even sexual at this point. And I haven't been for years.
It's almost gayer to be like, that's aesthetically pleasing to me.
Right. Well, no, but I'm like, sexually, I would have, like, gay... things that I would be into. I never sucked a dick, but yeah, a lady's put a fucking dildo in my mouth more than once or things like that. You know, I don't know.
You're moved, Tim. No, I'm just waiting for Tim to... I'm waiting for some video of Tim blowing a guy.
I don't want to make it an ageist thing, but at some point, even if I was having sex, I wouldn't talk about it. I wouldn't deny that I'm having it, but I remember... I don't want to name names. Bobby Slayton was the first time I noticed it, where you go, My wife won't fuck me! She won't fuck me! You're like a... Back then, he was the oldest man in the world.
Younger than I am now, but you're like, nobody really wants to picture you fucking your wife. No. At 55, 85 years old, whatever you are. Yeah. There's a certain cutoff where you go, ah.
Yeah. I ran into Bobby in L.A., and I've never met him, but Louis Black told this great story on this pod about going to Epstein's house, and they didn't know who he was, but they were drinking at Epstein's house. And I told that story, and Bobby was like, oh, thanks for telling that story on the pod. I'm like, is that good?
It's like incriminating.
That's a bad fucking word.
Jesus Christ. Oh, God. I'm going to fucking find that episode. Oh, that was great.
That went viral. Oh, he was awesome. Louis Black Rules.
Wait. Went to fucking, what? Not Epstein Island, but- Just the house. Like a party.
In Manhattan. Yeah, he had dinners and stuff.
And he was like- I feel really bad for anyone that is connected like that.
Yeah.
Because who knows who's fucking P. Diddy? Yes. If you get invited to a P. Diddy party- I'd love to go.
Yeah.
I've- I got invited to, and they wouldn't say who it was, but my manager knew, to do a private for Banksy in England, in Bath, Bristol. And I went, fucking no way. Why? Because privates suck.
I know, but isn't that part of you that can't be like this?
No, what a private does is the one guy likes you, and then he's going to show you off to his friends. And I know on a pie chart, the people who like my comedy is a very slim, diet-friendly piece of pie of people that will understand, get, or much less laugh at what I do. I'm a very genre-specific person. Sure. And, oh, I got to do Banksy. And I sucked.
I think you guys were just talking about something like this, where you fucking sucked in front of.
Oh, that's the story of my life with these privates. But I feel like a Banksy gig, you'd show up, and it's just no one there. Because it's Banksy. He's going to throw you for a loop somehow.
Oh, I thought. I think it was going to be just the most artsy fucking world. Oh, that's bad, too. People that, like, if you said. Well before, you know, the current climate. Yeah.
But don't people not know who Banksy actually is?
He's always covered. That's why I couldn't know, but I knew because he knew, but I couldn't say it. And it turns out it was definitely Banksy, but I said no. You know what? I never wake up thinking, fuck, all those people hate me. Good point. Which is the best feeling in the world. But you're used to being hated by now.
Yeah, but that was the fucking last note I wrote in my notebook before I left for here was, you can do anything you want in life, just don't read the comments.
Yeah, hear, hear.
they're brutal i did uh during covid my ex-girlfriend worked in art gallery and we were already broken up we're on good terms and she was like do you want to do a gig on the roof of the gallery and i'll get a bunch of people and at that time i was like comedy i'll do anything sure yeah you're right they stared blankly at me yeah but then afterwards they were like good show and i'm like this is how you like so even if they like you they're just like what the fuck yeah have you done the uk
It's harder.
It's just absolute silence. But it's a respect that you have to, once you've done it, you have to, like, I'm going back. I have to remember. They're going to stare at you blankly, and then you're going to have flop sweats. Then they applaud. Standing ovation at the end. They're like, where the fuck was this energy? Right. Because we're so trained to American bravado. Woo!
I feel like the same with British women. You fuck them, silence, and at the end they're like, that was good. And you're like, how about a moan? It's the same with the audience.
If you guys want to talk about me behind my back, I hydrated this morning, and I'm going to have to go find a pisser. Go piss.
I got to piss, too, actually.
I'll hold it down. Oh, hey, you know what? I got to do this. Hey, people, you ever want to eat healthy, but you're in a hurry? You don't have time to cook? Well, whatever they pitch while we're pissing, use promo code Stanhope. Don't use the drunk promo code anymore. That's for losers. Promo code Stanhope. That's right. Prize picks.
It is ironic your name has hope in it. I never thought about that. All right, I'll hold it down. All right, this is exciting. I'm going to go through Doug's coat. You never know what's in here.
Stan Coaten.
Hey, I like it. All right, yeah, this is an honor for me. I'm actually nervous. I'm a huge fan. I've been watching this guy. This is the first comic I ever saw live. Isn't that crazy? In New Orleans at a place called One Eye Jack's, Sean Patton opened, and I knew Sean, so he got me in. And readers, man, that's a bummer when you look through your hero's coat and it's fucking readers.
What's in this one, a dildo? Check the inside pockets. I checked that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, nothing. All right. But, yeah. God, this shit is hot.
He's just saying how bad New Orleans crowds are.
They're horrible. And he struggled there, but I was dying. I was like, this is amazing. He was shit-faced. Barely got a word out, but the jokes were great. And so this is a treat seeing him live or talking to him in person. We've talked before, but got him on the pod. Very exciting.
Yeah.
Yeah, so they're going to piss. I'm holding it. Can you pull this up? I did Rogan once, and I told a Stanhope story, and no one believed me, and they called him, and he answered. I can't remember what the story was, though, because I was shit-faced because it was Protect Our Parks. Yes, yes. Pull it up if you can find it. I bet somebody turned it into a clip. Pull it up!
So yeah, Doug, I went through your pockets, hoping you had some contraband and you had readers. Kind of a letdown, but yeah. Oh, no, over here. But yeah, if we can find, oh, there it is. Yes. Wow. All you got was a book. Oh, it's 13 minutes.
So when you guys divorce. You got it. You're going to have to fight. I get this, and you get the Leggero.
We're going to make amends with her. Don't you worry.
So this is one of my favorite moments of 2024.
Do you remember this, Doug?
Mark was on Rogan, Protect Our Parks, and he was telling a story about you. And then someone called you. Someone had your number and called you.
Oh, Joe called him. Did no one believe it?
Yeah, I had to change my number because of that.
Whatever. And the bartender there was some lady, and it was her first night at a comedy club bartending. And she went up to him and she was like, you're disgusting. That was abhorrent. That was inappropriate. That was crazy. She didn't know comedy. So then, whatever, cut to 30 years later, he comes back to Zany's, kills, like has one of these magical sets, annihilates. Great night.
He gets off stage, and she was like, she now had been seasoned with comedy. She's heard all these people over the years, and she's like, that was great. They go out. He ends up
fucking her back at his or her apartment and he's over the balcony fucking her fucking her she's like you don't remember me you don't remember me he's like no i don't remember you whatever and they're fucking they're fucking and now he's got her over the balcony fucking her doggy style and he goes you're disgusting is that true
that was for her yes jokes were disgusting put it together i told her she uh she after the show the last show of this chicago comedy festival and she's the last server there all the comics and servers are just leaving to go to the bar next door by zany's i forget the name of it right around the corner from chicago old town ale house Yes, that's the place. Great bar. And I said, are you going?
She goes, you know what? I saw your act and I want you to know, I think you're completely disgusting. And so I went, okay. This is before there was a comment you could avoid on YouTube. It's a live comment.
Yeah.
Can't erase that. So then I get booked back because I fucking killed. And then she's there. And I said, hey, let's make a truce, okay? I'm here for the whole week now. And... We got to deal with, again, it's us against them. You need tips. I need laughs. Let's just try to get along through this. Yep. Oh, that was the second to last night. The last night of the festival, she's working.
And so I started, hey, I started trashing her about saying that I was completely disgusting. And I go, and you're a little cakey with the makeup, but I didn't bring that up. I just... I teed off on her. So there was a beef in play. Uh-huh. So then we made up. Makeup is great. Very cakey with the makeup. It's like almost like one of those Geisha girls. Oh, wow.
Uh, so then we made up when I came back to do the week, went to a bar with the staff, got along, had lots of drinks, went fucked, uh, with her head out the window, which was weird, uh, to think that there's a downtown Chicago hotel that had windows that open. Oh yeah. But it was a thing. Sorry. You should have got on mic for that. You should actually have him mic'd twice. Yes.
You should give me a little crotch mic. Right. A little like a Garth Brooks.
Give me a Matt Rife out of my ass. One of those little headsets. Wow.
You have more current references than me. And I was fucking her in the ass. Whoa. And when I came in her ass. Whoa. Wait for it. And I leaned into her and I go, I just want you to know I find you completely disgusting. Oh, that's great. So we remain friends. Yeah, of course. Yeah. But I wrote about that story in a book.
And then the Audible version, I had a lot of people come on the podcast style. So in the Audible book, it's being read. But then when it gets to certain places, I would have people that were there to tell their side of the story. So she came on. She's a fucking great chick, Patty. She goes, well, first of all, You came on my back. You didn't come in my ass. Okay. All right.
That's why we're doing this. Wow.
Well, Patty, call in. We'd love to hear from you and hear your side of the story. That's a great name.
Did you do the fucker for the line, the zing? Did you do it like that? No, no. Okay.
That would be way weirder. That was not improv'd.
That's Banksy.
He just had a notebook. But when did it hit you?
Did it hit you while you were fucking her or right as you came?
Good question. I have no idea. I really don't.
But that's a comic. You got the call back in. Yeah.
Yeah, that would be way creepy if I planned the whole thing. Usually I don't work for this kind of money, but I have an idea. Wow, Patty. I wonder if she's still there. No, she's in L.A. She's in my old apartment building. Oh, all right, Patty. Might be on fire. Should check in. That's true. Yeah, a lot of people, man. Where is the Palisades? It's by Malibu. I had to ask, too.
It goes Malibu, Palisades, Santa Monica, Venice. Brentwood. Pasadena is also on fire. That's a P word. Whoa. Addie. Pussy.
Palisades. Pasadena. There you go. Pasadena is where Disneyland is, is it not?
No, that's... Anaheim.
Start with a P at all. Anaheim? Anaheim. Holy shit, that's fucking bad.
Oh, man. This is Malibu. Wow, Beyonce. Hey, but since I dropped Annie Letterman's name, I'm also going to drop the fact that she said, yeah, my manager's house burned down completely, so now hopefully he'll try to get me work harder.
20?
Shocking? No. No. No. But usually it's like super far out. I feel like now we're right in the mix here.
If you had to bail on New York City and L.A. and Austin were not options, where would you go?
Good question. Probably Chicago. How about you? I'd go to Rhode Island. I like Rhode Island. I got a weird affinity with Rhode Island. I like the size of it.
Okay, let me add the addendum of you cannot come to any of those three cities to work. Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean? If you pick Rhode Island, you're within a couple hours of New York.
Yeah, so you're doing it so you can come to New York.
Oh, okay.
Connecticut and Jersey don't count. Okay, okay, okay. All right. I might go to Tampa then. You're not a Tampa guy. Florida, Tampa.
Florida has never had a comedy scene in my 35 years. Tampa, that club is pretty good. It's a club, but there's no scene there. That's true. I would have to.
You need a scene. But you can drive up and down the state. You can go to Jacksonville, Tampa, Fort Lauderdale. You can pop around.
I like the idea of Chicago, I think.
Chicago's nice.
Nice city. You're on water, too.
That's true. I do love Chicago. If it's for work, yeah. There's so much right in that area. Like South Bend. I did like a full week of Michigan doing different cities. Kalamazoo, Lansing. There's just so much work there. You can drive two hours. That's true.
What about in winter? San Diego. That's a cool town. Love San Diego.
Back in the day, I might have even said SF, but now I'm like, fuck that. Yeah, it's not the same. But San Diego is gorgeous. Gorgeous. It's a ton of work. I'm not even a beach guy, but there, you're kind of like, this is fuck. I could like, I would want to do like a week at the comedy store there.
Ocean Beach is, fuck, they have a dog beach, too, for Winnie. They have a dog beach where you can let your dogs just pack. of fucking everyone's dogs just running in and out of the ocean and fighting and waves and stuff.
It's so beautiful. Dude, I don't leash her. She just walks without a leash in the city. Yeah, no, they don't leash. This is off-leash dog beach.
They go fucking chaotic. Like seagull scooper, you know, just carry her away.
Dude, I'm worried in this weather she'll get fucking swooped up. That's true. These winds. She weighs nine pounds.
Yeah, that's a solid nine pounds. That's true. She's girthy. A gallon of water is eight pounds.
That ain't blowing over in a storm. By the way, Ocean Beach, great bars down that strip. Great drinking by the beach.
Yeah, it's a little sketchy. A little bit. Sketchy. But they're hot homeless dudes. Don't leave change in your cup in your car. It's the kind of place they'd smash out your window to fucking steal your fucking dirty. Yeah. Speaking of, what kind of fucking weird car is that? Your car that got broke into. Oh, you heard about that, huh?
You know more about me than my father. First of all, no one in New York has a car. It's a 7302. It's a Beamer. It's a really zippy, fun little car. It's tiny. It's like a golf cart. That's gorgeous. Thanks, man. This car saved BMW. BMW was going down the toilet with the World War II and everything, and they came out with this car, and it revamped the whole company.
I bought, I forget what year, one of the three years it existed, I think, Pacer, with allegedly 4,300 original miles. Because I'm like, I want a cool car, but I can't fix shit. That's like a Wayne's World car. Yeah, and then I found out I got fucked, and it was like $104,000. It was gorgeous.
That color's awesome. Pristine. Yeah, is that yours? Can we find Doug's actual car? You think there's a photo out there? If you put it in Stanhope AMC Pacer, I bet you find it, because I had to resell it. I think that's the Wayne's World car, if I'm not mistaken.
Yeah.
Looks like it.
Yeah, no, it is. The Licorice. Do you have any Grey Poupon? Yeah. I think it was called Adobe Seats. Whoa. Some kind of Aztec Adobe. There you go. Is that it? First one.
Holy shit. Look at that. That's a cool car. That's a cool car, though. It is pretty cool. Would they make 10 of those? I mean, that went in and out. Here's Junior Stopka.
He's funny. I fucking love Junior. You guys tour together, right? Yeah, we do. I'm going to start touring with Andy Andrist. Andy's, like, we're revamping our podcast with him. He had his own podcast issues with Andy, and I had my own. I'm like, why are we doing this separately? Like, he got burned out on his, and mine fucking needed him, and we should be touring together.
I get to a place where I didn't want to tour. I haven't in almost a year and a half. Hmm. You got enough money for that to not tour? Not when I'm doing the shit I've been doing. I've been bleeding cash like I'm making money, but I'm not. But if I could go back and tour the stuff I like doing, I mean... I know, like, the, whatever, the ballparks with Bert Kreischer and stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
It's just not my thing. I fucking hate it. Did he hit you up about that? Yes, one time, and I just... I'm sure he's a huge fan, you know? Oh, he loves you. Yeah, no, he's great. I went to one of his shows. We haven't... This podcast has still not been edited. And I'm saying that with contempt at my fucking editor. He did get Ukraine out. He's working on the Slab City.
But over a year ago, we went to a road trip. He was playing my hometown. And my best friend from when I was a kid, Chris O'Connor, not the fucking comic. I hate to... All right, don't get off track, fucking sketchy brain. We went, he emailed me and he goes, hey, your buddy Bert Kreischer's playing at this, what used to be the Centrum, where we used to sleep out.
We slept out, me and Chris O'Connor slept out two nights in the winter in February to get U2 tickets. Wow. And we weren't even that big of fans. We just thought it was cool to sleep out for tickets. Yeah. And so he's playing at this place. And my wife is she's the whatever organizer for the thing. Put in a good word for me so he knows I'm cool.
And I go, fucking Okie is going back to the fucking scene. So I packed up the kids, the cameraman and the wife. And we're like, all right, I'm going to get us in. I'll go backstage. I went on stage. I opened the show as the mayor of Worcester. I found out what his name was. Nobody knows who the mayor of their town is. I went out as the mayor. They introduced me as a mayor.
I went to a point where Bert had to go out at the end. By the way, that was not the mayor. Yeah. He could have gotten sued for this. You know what? Thanks for voting me back in office. I had the thing where, yeah, drunk driving. Who hasn't? And if I was sober, I would have killed that kid anyway. He came out of nowhere on that tricycle. And a few people know who I am and most of them don't.
They don't know me from the mayor. And we did this whole podcast, filmed it, and it took Chris O'Connor and I went on a tour of all the places that we vandalized as kids and we were the worst fucking evil children and places that we used to have fucking... There you go. I'm listening. I know. That's the light. Wait, you're from Worcester. Yeah. Okay. So we did this whole trip back home.
And I'm like, get that out before. This was December of 03. And I'm like, get it out before March so it looks timely since it's winter. Right. And he still hasn't cut it out. And then fucking Oki died. Fucking high age. He dies of a heart attack randomly. Sorry. You gotta fucking... He still hasn't cut the fucking thing out. We gotta get this footage out.
We gotta hire a fucking queef to edit your shit.
He does great shit. Have you seen the Ukraine stuff? No. We went to the fucking Ukraine. Me and Andy went to Ukraine. Fucking fired on the fucking Russians. What? Yeah. Pull that up. The biggest fucking... Piece of fucking machinery in the... There you go. What the hell? How did I not know about this? How did I not know about this? That's what I said, my fucking unlisted algorithm. This is 55K.
This should be viral. How was the... When was this?
October. Is it a gun? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I don't like fun. Three, two, one, fire!
Wow. Wow.
People say I like to travel, and they don't. They like to go to new places and meet new people. I don't like that. Do you like a 20-hour flight from Arizona? No, you hate that part. I love it. I take Xanax. I drink. I sleep like a kitten. You complain about the travel part. You want to go, oh, I want to see the cathedral. The cathedral. I want to just get out. I was in Donbass.
There is no better place to want to get the f*** out and travel. Then 11 hours on a train is beautiful. I'm going to watch this tonight. It's two parts, but the way you had to capitulate and cut out the baby dick sucking, I'm guessing it's a mole.
With the herpes and the baby dick sucking? No, the joke was my friend had a baby, so I text her congrats, and she sent me a picture of her breastfeeding the baby, and I wrote, oh, okay, and she wrote, sorry if that's the equivalent of like a dick pic, and I was like, I think it'd be way worse if I sent you a picture of a baby sucking. That was a joke. That was my opener.
Yeah, well, now I get it back for the next better.
Yeah.
When they said that, I was like, cool, I'll get the joke back. Yeah.
But for this, we put it out on Patreon uncut for a week, and then our guy that got us into the front lines, this was not a sanctioned fucking thing. This was not like, hey, would you like to come over and get a call from the New York Times reporter? Call. A fucking email.
And she goes, hey, I did a story on Ukraine stand-up comedy during the war, and every single one of them said that you are revered over there. Would you ever consider going over there? They weren't paying for it, but in passing, I didn't know I could go over there. I didn't know you could just go to war. I'm like, why didn't you tell me that earlier? I would have been there.
Louie was booked there the Friday it happened. That's right. He fucking canceled. I know. Because I've been talking to a couple guys over there that are fans since the most recent part of the war started. Because this has been going on since 2014. Jesus. And so... Yeah, so I go, yeah, I'll fucking go. So, hey, pack up the fucking shit. Wow. How are the crowds? We're flying coach.
Well, no, I just went to meet the comic.
Oh, okay. You were doing a set there.
Yeah, it was open mic. They set up a whole thing. You'll see it in the, they set him all up. Like the one comedian I know that I've been emailing with, he set it all up. He's great. Vasyl Baiduk. And he's well known over there too. And he set it up and he had this duo from Eurovision. They had the number one pop hit.
going on so he wouldn't tell people all the comics why they're coming to open mic you just you have to be there so they come out and they think oh this is the surprise that they're fucking gonna do their number one hit at the end of the right and then they introduce me and oh yeah fuck that's so yeah the language barrier like i was doing a couple of small fucking bits but yeah it's no no point and then but hung out all night a couple of times and
But then we got to the front because of that guy, and they said when they saw us firing that fucking hyacinth, we assume on the Russians. We don't know. Oh, my God. They just pulled this and put on your ear things. Jesus Christ. I assume they can drink over there. In Donbass, they said alcohol is more illegal than even cocaine. Come on.
Why?
Well, because they get fucking hammered. They're at fucking war, and they're huge underdogs.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
So, yeah, I was drinking.
Kind of like Davidson versus Duke here. This is a tough matchup. It's a Cinderella story.
So they asked us, I guess it's hugely illegal, probably on an international level, to let civilians come over and just... fire the biggest gun in their artillery. Was it fun as hell to fire that thing? I didn't know I was going to do it.
I had brought... They do auctions, and this is what Vasil had told me, that most of the shows that they do are... They do auctions at the end to support the military. Like, financially, they're paying for that fucking missile that I fired, an artillery shell.
So, uh, when I knew there was doing auctions, I brought my mother's ashes, a vial of my mother's ashes, uh, because, uh, I couldn't sell those on eBay here. I tried to, I get the mother. I don't give a fuck. They're ashes. It's nothing. So I tried to sell them on eBay to benefit, uh, the, not the ASPCA, but humane society because mother was a cat lady. All right, that's a great place. And, uh,
within hours. It's fucking going up, up. I'm like, holy shit. And then that's shut down. Not only is it against eBay terms of service, it's against federal law to sell remains, which is bullshit.
Yeah. When you say the word remains, it does sound worse.
It's not like your fucking wet guts.
Wet guts. So I brought over a vintage ashtray with mother's ashes in it to sell at auction, which is addressed in the podcast. So then when we went to the front lines, I still had Vasil said, save some. So they had me put fucking ashes into the artillery shell, which they let us fucking film that. They said, it doesn't even matter if I talk about firing the fucking thing.
They just can't show the actual me pulling the fucking trigger.
That's why it's all covered up.
Yeah. So I'm fucking, I'm just standing back the whole time. I'm like, no, no, you put the ashes into the shell. And I'm smoking. I quit smoking a year and a half ago. I started smoking for Ukraine. Ukraine doesn't matter.
yeah right i come up to put the ashes in the shell but i have a cigarette my mother like no no no no yeah yeah sorry it's been a while yeah and so then i step away again and like no sign the shell So I wrote Mother's Final Flight, I think I wrote, on the shell. Then I walk away again. I'm fucking, I don't like, I have an irrational fear of balloons. Things that might pop.
So fucking artillery shells. I'm backing up and they're like, no, no. No, no.
Wow.
Use your left hand, your right hand, but stay to the left. Whoa. And then they're like, well, you can't show that part. So it's just that part. He actually figured out CGI to make us cartoonish just for pulling the trigger, and then it goes right back. You might have killed a guy. Yeah, exactly. That's addressed in there, too. A guy. Maybe a platoon.
A school. Yeah. A hospital? Yeah. Disgusting. Oh, there it is.
I wasn't looking at the final outcome. Yeah, yeah. I had no part in the war part. You never know where your career is going to take you.
That's true. Or your mom's ashes.
This week I'm at Zany's. Next week I'm killing Russians?
Yeah, in Ukraine? That's crazy. I was going to say it could have been North Koreans, but that was before they got there. Good point. Crazy. Do you know Yoshi?
Yoshi, the Mario?
He's got porn relations. No. Kind of a comedian. No, Asian guy? Yeah. I don't know Yoshi. Yeah, he's a comedian. Now he's like, oh, I'm going over there too. Yoshi. Oh, God, you're quick.
What's the story?
Oh, he said, oh, I'm going over there, too. And he jacked up Andy for our connection. And so Vasil sends a picture of him with Yoshi. And God knows what. You know, the guys that like Yoshi's never done anything bad to us. But you go, I think he probably spins a lot of yarns to get in the clubs. You know, the guy that's. Yeah, but that's not what I think of as networking.
But the point is, like, now. Yeah, but now he's- Don't hook up that Ukraine wreck. Andy was saying, like, why would you go now that North Koreans- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, bad timing. Wasn't Zelinsky a comic?
Yeah. He did the Paddington voice. Oh, really? He did the Paddington voice. Sketch. Oh, sketch.
All right, that's different.
He wasn't doing crowd work.
He wasn't Matt Rife. Yeah, exactly. How much do you think... 94,000 views.
That's it. This is so weird. This guy's now running shit. What the fuck?
That's not great humor. This is not great. All right, now I'm on Rush's side.
What the hell? I had said the night before we went to the front, because we really had no idea what to expect from the minute I said yes.
Yeah.
And that lady said, I could go. You can't even fly in there. We had to fly to Poland and then fucking take... Wow. We hired a car to drive us in and then took the train back when we left, 15 hours, and not like a fucking Amtrak. There's no dining car. It's like...
Yeah.
What's this?
This is Ukrainian. I'm sorry. The Ukrainians are firing suicide drones.
Oh, boy.
At the North Koreans, and they just follow them.
Whoa. Oh, yeah, we get to do that, too. Whoa. Not kill people, but actually be controlling drones. just to see what it's like. And if you've done any VR, it's times you're like, I just ping-ponged the first time and fell over. Right. Oh, jeez.
So that was... You can kill people from the comfort of your own home. It's pretty crazy. Cool. Fun times. Look at that. Yeah, imagine if Rowan Atkinson ran England. That's what that's like, basically. Mr. Bean is the prime minister or whatever. That is hilarious. Yeah.
Gorgeous thought.
He's unbelievable, that guy. He is so talented.
I like him.
Will this wind be so mighty as to lay low the mountains of the earth?
Yeah, that guy's incredible. What a talent. I watched him as a kid. My dad liked him, and he hates everything.
He had a fucking moment over here, too.
That's true. Yeah. Everyone knows who he is. You doing stuff tonight, or are you taking it easy?
No. Come by the cellar, man. Yeah, you never do. Why? What about New York Comedy Club? No, I'm going to find a bar maybe between here and... Oh, my hotel does have a shitty bar. Where are you staying? This won't come out for a while. Three blocks away. I use points. It's Voco or...
Yeah, it's an IHG property.
Oh, okay. IHG's good, though.
Oh, you're doing Key West with Tom Dustin. Yeah. That's a great fucking time. Oh, my God.
A friend, Joe List, just made a documentary about him that's incredible. It's really good.
He shot it. Does he still do the Killing Iguanas? Yes. We want to film that for a podcast. Yes. All right, this actually brings me back to where I lost track, where the day before we went to the front, I said, if it got to a point where I go, I don't think I could fucking kill Russians because I would think, hey, they don't want to be here. They're fucking drafted.
It was weird to be on that side of a war, where any war we know about, we were on their fucking backyard. So to think of it where these guys got fucking drafted, I go, I don't think I could cut to you. And he fucking got to fire next. And he did a full fucking curly from the three stooges after it went off because he fucked it up. He didn't pull it hard enough. So it kind of started a fire.
But it didn't. And he had to do it like three times. And then kaboom. And it's a flash that you have your eyes squinted. At least I do. It's like... And you can still see the bright orange fucking light. And it's so fucking like tremor. Like if I hadn't shit my pants.
Wow. Whoa.
And Andy does it and goes. Wow. That's a bucket list. God damn it. See, now you put me right back on fucking path and now I lost myself. Key West. Key West. Tom Gustin. Yes, that's okay. I don't know if I could kill an iguana. You could do it. I know I would have a harder time killing an iguana than maybe killing a Russian. Yeah, well, these are more people.
By the way, for you guys listening, iguanas are like fucking rats down there. Rats. They're pests and they're a nuisance. If you go when it's freezing out, the first time I went in a dusty place. We've never killed a rat. Well, you would if you haven't. I would. I would.
I killed a rat. You haven't killed a rat.
I think, doesn't he do it with a blowgun?
A trap, I guess.
Yeah, he's got like an air gun. Oh, okay. I want to do it with a blowgun because I keep, I'm telling this story wrong and now my version's more interesting. I'm packing a blowgun. There we go. I think if I could hit an iguana with a blow dart, that iguana had it coming. God hated that iguana.
Because if you got a straw in your mouth, you're going to suck just from instinct. Just from, like, habit. You're going to swallow that dart, Doug. Oh, shit. But yeah, Key West is awesome. You're going to have a blast. Tell Tom I said hi.
Look at that. Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney.
There's no dates for these things.
Are you going to add Adelaide maybe or Perth or something too?
No, I think he's sticking with that. And he's Australian, so he knows what's up. Hell yeah. And we don't really have acts yet. That special that came out, that was pretty much it since the last time I toured Australia. So what I didn't put... in the special, I already worked out in Australia to decide it's not going in the special. So it's really the worst fucking...
But that's how it always is.
Yeah.
Yeah. There you go. You're going to figure it out. And you'll love that flight. It's nice and long. Pop on Xannies. Love it. Flying coach. You got any Xannies on you, by the way?
No. You know what? It's weird. I thought, should I bring these? Yes. I can't sleep. All right. I guess you don't have a border here to have a connection.
Good point. But yeah, all right. Well, go see Doug. That was a beauty. Great one. Go see Doug. He's the man. I'm sure you got a new hour because that was shot two years ago, that other thing. Well, I better.
I'm going to have to.
Yeah.
We're going to Australia for a reason.
Yeah, good point. How do you put together an hour? You just go up and try ideas?
That was good. Well, I write down... I wrote more shit in a notebook since I woke up at 10 a.m. Like, all right, this could work. Just being here with you, like, I'm going to go do this. I don't hang out with comics. I don't have comedy. There's no comedy club within fucking four hours of me. Wow. So I don't...
There's one within 40 blocks of you tonight. You should come hang with the seller.
Less than that. Yeah. No, I come here when it's a fucking cash cow. If I'm going to do comedy, I'm going to wait until it's tight.
But you're sitting here talking about camaraderie, and we're a group and a team, and then you're like, I don't hang out with comics.
Hang out! No, I hang out with comics. Every time I go to the seller, do you want to do a spot?
I hear you. No.
But you're one of the greats.
Yeah. They want you to go.
Yes. That's how I stay that way. I'm not failing miserably trying to do fucking 10 minutes, which I don't have. Walk the road. I can do an hour and 15 easier than 10. Good point.
I hear that. Good point. I get that. All right. I don't want to force you. Remember you had BB Kings years ago. You remember that show? Yeah. I went to that one.
With the lady that wouldn't leave? Yes. Again, I have no memory except for the really awful shit. Yeah, there was a lady that came as a guest of one of my good friends. Yes. They worked in finance. I get fucking Morgan Stanley or some shit. And she just hated me up front and wouldn't leave. You were just talking about a lady like this who was on her phone the whole time.
She hated you, but you said you did it right. Was that you? I think it was probably you. A lady. She was on the fucking right-hand side of the stage. And you tell her she hated me. And you do the whole thing. And at the end, you go, by the way, you must have hated me. No, that was Ari.
That was Ari.
Oh, that was Ari?
Ari Shafir, yeah. But that happened to me recently, too. But it was on your show. But Ari said, yeah, I mean, you didn't like me. And she was like, no. And he goes, but you didn't say anything. And I appreciate it.
Yeah, that is nice. Yeah, the right answer was how the conversation started in that, just leave. Yeah. You walk out, just, hey, it's not for me.
Yeah, it's not Iran. I live a lot of shit. You can drive home. It's fair.
I throw on movies all the time. Then I'm like, oh, that was bad. I don't make a stink of it. I'm just like, I'm going to watch something else. I guess you did go out for this. That's true. I think people have gotten so used to just everything being... Curated. Your algorithm is curated for you. So when you go to a thing and take a risk, that's almost foreign to people.
Yes. I was going to ask you, how much, because the whole crowd work thing that is ubiquitous, how much do you think that's empowering the fucking audience? I don't think it's that. To think they have a say.
Interesting. I don't think it's that. I think it started before that. And I think it started actually with COVID and people going back out and not knowing how to act anymore. I think it was like a combination of being obsessed with your phone and it feeding that.
And I think... I think people think it's like you said before. They're like, I don't like this, so I should be able to say something. Because you can comment and tweet.
Everything is made for that. You can tweet a Trump. A date nap. It's like, no, no, no. It's so for you. Yes, yes. Anything you get you don't like, you're just like, ugh, even if it's free. It's called a for you page on Instagram. But you get free shit, and you're like, ugh. And I'm like, that was fucking free.
Is it locked in an algorithm that you can't get out of? Oh. We all are. I don't know if don't show me this channel or not interested is, but they don't work. Right. And you watched one thing once, and can I stop this?
I know, right? Faces of death still sends me shit.
Faces of death. That's old. All these women's butts. I'm like, gross. I'll say that off the air. Some things you don't want to fucking even give any attention to. Yeah, yeah. Don't do it. But there's one that a friend of mine sent me. It was from Rumble or something. Oh, boy. And now that was like months ago. And I watched maybe 10 minutes. I'm like, I can't do this. I was a kid, faces of death.
Yeah. And now that it's all real. I know. But like, oh, no, I can't. And it tortured me forever. Really? And now people are catching on because it got to other sites. Oh, boy. Can you give us a hint of what you saw? India. That's all I needed, Indian. And I'm in it because I had a fucking bit on my last special about Indian gang rape. And they just took the most racist-y parts of what I did.
You have to, if you're going to be racist or whatever, you have to do it quickly and have the, oh, that makes it okay part come right away. You can't make them wait for eight, ten minutes for the, oh, now I see what he was doing. No one has eight or ten minutes.
No, no. Tell that to Kramer when he did his set. If he would have gotten it quick and easy and got out, it would have worked.
It does feel like, instead of like, it feels like speed dating. It's like, all right, get to it. Yeah. With everything, but you're like, but this, I worked on this bit. I crafted this. I spent a lot of time making this the way it is, and I don't want to give it away.
Yeah, well, that's how much money I have, to get back to your point, is where I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. As long as I can pay for fucking, Three cheap seats to fucking Warsaw to get to Ukraine and stay at a Holiday Inn.
Then you're good.
Yeah. I want to break even and I want to go back to playing gigs that I love to do, which are small shithole, like the one nighter. I've never played Asbury Lanes.
What?
I'm sure that's one of those gigs I'd love, but my own. I'd just go, hey, let's go, me and Andy, let's go have fucking fun like we used to and not give a shit about the money. I love it. Where people are just happy you showed up. Yes, here, here.
Go see Doug on the road.
Great comic, man. One of the greats. Really happy. We wanted you here for so long.
Oh, yeah. And check out his special.
I'm not going to forget the bodega.
Don't. Take it. Oh, you better take it, baby. It's an honor.
Promo code Stanhope. Buy bodega cap. Use promo code Stanhope.
There it is. No, just add this at the end. Yeah. Bill Maher threw you out of his house in 95?
Yeah, and I was nobody, obviously. I'm still nobody, but I was really nobody. And someone goes, hey, there's a party at Bill Maher's house. I had just moved to L.A., maybe 96, 95, 96. Had to be 96, because it was Fourth of July. And she's like, hey, there's a party if you want to go and crash it. And I'm like, yeah. I would do everything when I was young. It's free booze, and he's a comic. Yeah.
And I show up and it's all like just one of those industry parties where it's still kind of daylight and everyone's like, no one's really talking. And if they are, it's industry talking to industry. And you hope, oh, Jeff Cesario's here, but I'm fucking 19 and he's still 60. Right. And so at some point I drink enough of their free booze that I fucking, I used to get naked all the time.
That's why it's like when Louie pulled his dick out in front of people. I've had so many people have seen my dick. If there was a class action lawsuit, you couldn't pass out enough fucking mailers. Yeah. So I just jump in their pool naked. Yep. He's in the pool now. They're like, eh. I thought, hey, come on, I'll start the party. And nothing. And then he's not even at the party. He's upstairs.
And then he comes down like fucking, not Rocky Balboa, but fucking his opponent, Apollo Creed. He comes down wearing a fucking 4th of July top hat. Oh, man. And this is like politically incorrect. Right. But he comes down and he's just Hugh Hefnering. But as a troll, he's always been a troll and he's just grown into it so horrifically.
I remember seeing an episode of him making fun of Kim Jong Un's fucking hair. And you go, look in the fucking mirror. Yeah. You have a fucking helmet of this ridiculous bulbous nose. You're a fucking... And I'm not a person to fucking point... Fingers and awkward heads.
Right.
But it takes one to know one. He comes down, and now, oh, the party starts down. Everyone's, oh, Bill Maher's coming down his staircase. And then he jumps in the fucking pool. Then everyone's jumping in the fucking pool. And this one girl who was, I'm not being Fonzie, and I'm not sure if it was Sweden or Switzerland, but she was a Swedish... Flight attendant. That's a very Fonzie thing.
So I'm just hanging out with her at the other end of the pool. And LA, 4th of July, fucking sun goes, it gets fucking cold. So we get out of the pool when it's finally wrapping up and I'm fucking freezing. So I'm with her and we go racing. Let's jump in a hot shower. So we jump in a shower. It's not like he only has one.
Yeah.
But he found us in the shower. Hey, there's no shower scenes in my house. Let's wrap it up. Whoa. Because she was one of the only chicks left. Ah, he didn't like that. Hot shower with her. We weren't even close to fucking her out. Come on. We were literally freezing. Okay. No, I would have fucked her for sure, but she wasn't throwing off that kind of vibe. Got it, got it.
She was kind of like, no, we don't belong here. We both had that in common.
Got it.
Which doesn't lead to fucking. again if i if i had game that night if i would have all right but then so i had to leave and it it was when i first moved to la so my manager was trying to get me on politically incorrect because it was kind of suitable for me and like yeah that's over now so so i i uh i i mailed uh
Letter to Bill Maher with a key to my apartment at 1204 North Curzon Avenue, apartment 9. Here's a key to my apartment. Feel free to show up anytime you want. Come in, drink all my booze, and fuck up my stuff, and use the shower. Doug Stanton.
I'm not going to your apartment, okay?
God damn it. That guy was great. He's great. Done again. Yeah. I'm sorry. There's a million shout outs that I wanted to make on this and I didn't get to all of them. But that was nice because I've heard the name a million times. But to see that and then it was so confusing when he would like, are you playing Bill Maher on the fucking screen or is he doing it? He's doing that exact. He's that good.
Mike, what's his name? And Henry Phillips. Mike Judge? No, no, Mike. He's Mike McRae. Oh, yeah. He was the one who would be on Stern and could do a perfect... It's always great when they can do a perfect... A guy you don't know. Sorry, when you do that... I'm trying to get him to pull it up. Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney?
You almost voted for Mitt Romney because Mike McCrae could do this... How do you do someone who doesn't really sound like anything, but he could do it? And...
Just put in Mike McCrae, Mitt Romney.
So Mike McCrae and Henry Phillips were on a podcast where he was doing Henry. Yeah. And it was back in the audio days. And you really couldn't tell who's talking to who. They're talking to each other.
That's crazy. Yeah. I don't even know what Mitt Romney sounds like.
This is Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts. Did you hear the good news? I was endorsed by none other than corpulent New Jersey governor Chris Christie. I tell you, I'm so happy I could do a little jig. Well, have to be. I might just put on some hippity hop music that the kids love and bump fuzzies.
The problem is no one remembers what Mitt Romney sounds like, so you can't do them. But to hear them back and back.
Pull up Vaughn Meter doing JFK. I'm kidding.
Vaughn Meter. Nice. Damn. All right. Well, hey, there you go.
Let me go get my fucking... Oh, I got my bodega cat. That's all I came for. Hey, my special discount meet is free on YouTube, and this is the only podcast that I am doing promotion for it. Oh, my God. So if it fails, every click it doesn't get... It's on us.
It's already a success, though. I saw it. It looks like it's already getting. It's over 200K or 300K, so you're cooking. You're cooking, man.
You know what I didn't know? People give you money on YouTube comments. Is that right? I never read the comments, but then I'm like, yeah. You go through the comments, and it's like Czechoslovakia. I got like 1,000 Czechoslovakian nuggets or whatever they're called. Fucking dogs or wangs or whatever.
Well, there you go. Check it out, folks. Two bucks. Thank you. Bonus. Whoa. Two bucks. That's not coming out of us, I hope. Save your receipts. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Doug. You're the man. Appreciate you coming on. I know it's early.
And these are Sam's dates here.
oh yeah charlotte richmond philly dc bethlehem tulsa austin dallas houston nola memphis knoxville it goes on and on nashville birmingham atlanta durham that's all february so come the fuck out and then i'm coming everywhere so just go to uh that's tom segura's tour i'm coming i'm so jealous of that tour name great name coming everywhere that's great yeah i got providence new haven portsmouth added a show portland maine burlington montreal toronto buffalo the egg
Yeah, it's a great one. I'm just looking at everything center, hall, theater, and then the egg. That's the one I would like.
I love it. You would love the egg.
Yeah, it goes on and on, but if you don't see your city there, I'm coming at some point. So yeah, samorell.com slash shows or just follow us on Punch-Up, man. We got to get you on Punch-Up, Doug.
Yeah. What's that? It's just a- Tell me off the air. I'll tell you off the air. I've tried to close this like five times.
No, I'm just saying I'm having a baby, so all my dates are scattered. I'm taking off the road for a while. I'm pulling a Doug. I'm going to Ukraine. Give funny bone. Reno, Nashville at the Ryman, and the Asheville Thomas Wolfe Auditorium. So those are the only three I got on the books, but we'll add more later. And, yeah, queef it up. Praise Allah. Go see Doug.
Check out his new special on YouTube for free. And, yeah. Give him hell. Praise Allah.
I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way