Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
Thu, 20 Feb 2025
Bill rambles about speed bags, tabloids, and lonely Bill. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (29:27) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 2-20-17 - Bill rambles about old babies, heroes, and first degree cuntiness. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Silverchair - Abuse Me
Chapter 1: What is Bill Burr's Thursday Afternoon Podcast about?
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.
Checking in on you. Seeing how your week's going. Are you staying away from the news, man?
Starting that shit. I had a fucking great night last night. Oh, well, good for you, Bill.
Glad you had a great fucking night. Why don't you rub it in everybody's faces? I went out and I did a couple of spots.
Really liked the New York Comedy Club on the Lower East Side, man. Great room, you know? So I went down there and I don't know.
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Chapter 2: How does Bill Burr approach comedy and stand-up routines?
I tried out. I had this new joke I was trying out that I had such hope for. You know, it's always, you know, setting yourself up for disaster when you go on stage. Like, oh boy, oh boy.
Oh, way to get a load of this one.
Turned out the reference I was talking about, people didn't... It hasn't become mainstream yet, so I had to kind of explain what it was. And then get into the other thing, which slowed it down on the first show. But then I went over to the cellar and...
i found a i figured out a funny way to explain it and i can't remember if i did it before or after i just i can't remember i plowed through the joke and then explained it after i think that's what i did i don't know and then i was able to tie something in with that and then tie something else together on something else and um it was uh yeah it was fantastic um
I was psyched, you know, cause I've been doing a lot of standup and, uh, you get rusty quick, but I have been going to my big gay gym.
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Chapter 3: What are Bill Burr's thoughts on fitness and health?
Um, and, uh, which has been fucking great. I've been going to that every single day, just about, I take one day off a week, um, And, uh, holy shit. I mean, old Freckles, he let himself go. Like, I am, like, dropping weight and all of that, and I still sit down on the couch, and I can grab two fucking cheeseburgers in the front. Like, doubles, too. You know what I mean?
Like, those Wendy's ones, where they just keep stacking them up. So, you know, it's funny. I was telling somebody, fuck, man, I got to drop this weight. They're like, you look great. I'm like, I have a winter coat on. Everybody looks great with a winter coat. I'm still going with the guys wearing shorts. I saw a guy wearing, like, short shorts.
Like the ones guys used to wear when they ran marathons in the 1980s. Remember those, like, those fucking, like, nylon?
And then it's cut up, like, the side a little bit. Like, you know, oh, behave, right? But what's funny, as I see this guy, he's got those short shorts on.
But then he has, like, one of those fucking... You ever see those homeless people winter coats? Like, the I Sleep Outside fucking coats? He's got one of those on and a big fucking hat.
So like it's if you run hot, why don't you just wear a windbreaker? Why does everybody have to look at your stupid man legs as you walk up the goddamn street? It doesn't make any fucking sense. Then I'm thinking like, well, your face is always exposed and your face gets used to it. So maybe their legs do. I don't know. I don't know what it is.
I still think a lot of it is like an attention thing or they went on Instagram and You know that that long haired guy who can like jump into the Arctic Ocean and swim around and scientists are baffled because he does like this, this alkaline breathing or whatever the fuck it is. And he doesn't freeze to death. And they're sort of baffled by that.
And he's like, no, yeah, I'm alkaline breathing like alkaline to me was something that was used when you were talking about a battery. And I don't mean a salt and. I just mean a battery.
That you would put into something that needed to be battery operated. See what I just did there? I explained the reference. That's what I have to do in that fucking joke. Did you feel all the momentum? The momentum go out of this fucking podcast? Anyway, so... Very excited. I have a little bit of a break from rehearsal starting tomorrow. So I'm going to... Give me a ticket on an aeroplane.
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Chapter 4: Why does Bill Burr discuss old movies and nostalgia?
uh gut punch if my kids are just like oh hey man no hey good to see you two pops you know but but i thought everyone cared you know that would be brutal um so anyway i uh i'm lifting four times a week and then the other times i'm just doing uh
Walking on a treadmill and doing a little bit of the speed bag there. Oh, Billy, speed bag. I haven't hit one of those things in a long time.
I was literally like... The whiff is the worst. You fucking feel that jolt of pain in your shoulder.
Anyway, so that's basically what I got going on. I've been watching some more 70s car movies. I watched The Driver with Ryan O'Neill and Bruce Dern. really fun movie. It's just fucking car chases and people fucking being badasses. Bruce Dern plays the cop trying to catch Ryan O'Neill. You know, there's a lot of stiff performances.
Bruce Dern's always great, but a lot of, like, I think they were trying to do some minimalist thing where they pull it off with Escape from New York. I don't know about this one. But, like, when I was growing up, The two guys that I thought were the luckiest guys in the world were Lee Majors and Ryan O'Neal. Simply because both of them were, you know, Lee Majors was dating Farrah Fawcett first.
And there is a picture. Look up. If you want to see the most 70s photo, do you want to know what, like, if you were on top in the 70s looked like? Like how great life could be? Look up Lee Majors, Farrah Fawcett jogging. It's one of the most amazing photos you're ever going to see. It was like the world was like that even for a weekend. It was amazing.
They're both fucking tanned up, not worried about skin cancer, not even remotely, right? Lee May just got on the fucking Larry Bird short shorts, and then he has on a matching zip-up with no shirt underneath it, and he's doing the macho man thing where he's showing off his tan, hairy chest. And then if you watch The Driver with Ryan O'Neal, the whole movie,
The whole movie, he is walking around with his shirt, you know, buttoned down to his man cleavage. It was called Being a Macho Man. They even wrote a song about it. Macho, macho man. I want to be a macho man. Yes, the times were very deep musically. No, that was pop music. There was still a lot of shit going on. Weather Report with Jaco Pistorio.
Anyway, so what do you follow up watching The Driver with? Well, that's easy. I mean, it's a no-brainer. I'm watching Corvette Summer with Mark Hamill. Where he finds this Corvette in a junkyard. And this car is beyond fucked up. It's an orange Corvette Stingray. The body's made out of fiberglass, and it looks like somebody dropped it off a building.
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Chapter 5: What are Bill Burr's views on tabloids and media consumption?
Clips and everything that you watch on Instagram. What have you got a post? All of those things where you watch it and so visually stimulating, you like it. But like, you know, somewhere in your chest, you start getting this sad, depressed feeling that you're not doing enough or you're not. You don't have abs or you're whatever the fuck it is. They're making you feel like right now.
yeah we didn't have social media back then we had we had people magazine and shit like that and like these fucking photos once a week they would come out and all the housewives would be buying up all you know everything from people magazine to um the star and the inquirer and they were just those are like tabloid ones for like uh You know, really dumb housewives.
And then sort of the elevated housewife would read People magazine. And then the cold, heartless mother would get Time magazine. Those are all generalizations, I'm just saying. I remember a long time ago, I had an acting gig. You know? And I was working with somebody that was super famous... and this person was reading the National Enquirer. It was a long time ago, like 20 fucking years ago.
Yeah.
She goes, not the stuff about like aliens and all of that stuff, but like people's relationships. They get that stuff right. I always found it funny how women follow like other people's relationships. You know? Like the way men follow sports. And then they, like, choose sides. I'm on side so-and-so. I'm on side fucking whatever. It's just like, why do you give a shit?
They're going through a breakup or they're going through a divorce. It's their own, you know, it's got to be painful. It's their own business. What the fuck, you know? Why don't you watch sports? Gamble away your paycheck on something that is feeling more and more manipulated as the seasons go by. Right? Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you do that? Anywho.
So my goal is not to be a fat fuck and throughout the course of this play, finally take off this. I was saying the other day, I'm getting this COVID weight off. And somebody goes, COVID? They go, that was a long fucking time ago.
I was like, I had a kid during COVID. I never got it off. Been walking around. I remember when I turned 50, I was like, I'm going fucking sting from the police in my 50s. I'm going to be lean and mean. I'm doing fucking yoga every other day. I'm fucking doing this. I'm fucking doing that. And then like, I was doing great. I was down to my fighting weight. What's that a reference to?
My fighting weight. Bob Pogo on F is for Family. My fighting weight. Anyway, yeah, I was down to that. And then...
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Chapter 6: How does Bill Burr reminisce about his childhood experiences?
Yeah.
And we were in there watching him do it. Me and Mike Price and David Richardson, rest his soul. Mark Wilmore, rest his soul. We were all in there fucking dying laughing. Anyway, I got down to my fighting weight. Yeah, that was 2019. Yeah, and then COVID hit.
and you know i was like most people i was like all right this will last a week all right this will be two weeks all right come on guys let's get it together let's stay away from each other and this thing will burn itself up everybody just do what they're saying everybody just stay away from each other and it can't spread right right that makes sense right everybody no and it just kept going and going and going and going and uh
I don't know. So how I dealt with it is I would fucking. I don't know. I just I started hanging out later and later at night with my wife and I was fucking eating ice cream sandwich. Oh, that's what I did for some stupid fucking reason. I went down a rabbit hole.
And I remember there was this, when, when I was a kid, I was living on the East coast and they had like, you had milkshakes and you had fraps, which what was fucking better than that when you were a kid, right? Ice cold sugar right to your fucking brain. And, um, My grandparents lived out in the Midwest, and we went out to the Midwest, and we would go to Bob's Big Boy, and they had malts.
They had a malted milk, so they would put malt in it, and it had this great aftertaste. And me and my siblings loved these things. So for whatever reason, I don't know what happened. I went down this fucking rabbit hole of reading the history of where the frap came from. It came from like New Jersey and then it worked its way up to fucking Massachusetts. All of this shit.
And the difference between a malted milkshake and blah, blah, blah. And it just took me back, you know, riding in a Caprice Classic station wagon, road trip, you know, out to Ohio, Illinois, Michigan. We were going all around out there. We kept stopping at these Bob's Big Boys, and I got a taste for it. So I ended up buying malt.
And I went on YouTube and learned how to make a malted milkshake, like this elevated thing. And that was it. I've been a fat fuck ever since. You know, there's a lot of warnings out there about like everything from fucking... you know, heroin to fucking vaping. But like, there's nothing out there to warn you about if you learn how to make your own fucking milkshake at home. I don't know.
You know, sometimes I think about that where they talk about how, you know, as you get older, your metabolism slows down so it's hard enough to keep the weight off. It's like, I don't think that's necessarily what it is. It's part of it. But the other part is you now live on your own and you own a blender.
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Chapter 7: What are Bill Burr's insights on dealing with loneliness?
You know when someone's just fucking going and you're not looking at them, you're just sitting there with your eyebrows up. Which is the clear, polite way of saying, okay, I got it. But she wasn't stopping.
Like Charlie in Platoon. Charlie ain't stopping this time.
I got a bad feeling, man. She just kept fucking going. I was sitting in a comedy club. This woman of a particular age started telling me that she was going through menopause and what it was like. And then I had no idea what it was like to go through it. And it's just like, yeah. Yeah, I don't. I don't have any idea. Because I'm a man. So why the fuck? Obviously, I don't know.
Do you know what it's like to fucking throw your back out for the first time when you're 12? Yeah. Because that's what a guy does. And then for the rest of your life, it's back? It's just a mystery. We really don't know. And then for the rest of your life, you have a fucking bad back? How many women out there do you meet with a bad back?
I bet that's happening more and more now that the fucking nerds at the top are just keeping all the money. Do you ever think we would live in a world like this? Nerds.
You just got your asses whipped by a bunch of goddamn nerds. Nerds!
How great was John Goodman in Revenge of the Nerds? That guy is so fucking effortlessly amazing, if he's doing drama or comedy. One of the fucking best off-camera fucking hilarious things ever. I've seen an actor do. He did in Revenge of the Nerds. He's sitting on this stage and he has a starter's pistol because he's going to shoot it, I forget what, to start some sort of event.
And, you know, the other people are talking in the scene. And on the master, he's in the shot sitting there. And he had the presence of mind. He's just looking at the starter's pistol. And then he just sort of points it at the floor and closes one eye like he's aiming it, just looking like the... The complete, like, psycho that his character was. It was such a subtle thing.
And I watched that movie so many times when it came out on cable. And I missed it. You know, the first four times I saw it. And then one of my buddies saw it. And we just died. You know, we had a VHS tape. Rented it from the video store. You know? That's another reason why people are so fat. You used to have to go out to the video store.
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Chapter 8: How does Bill Burr humorously handle the topic of heroism?
It's when you have a kid, if you actually go on the road, the big thing when you go on the road now is not, you know, not the booze, not the cigars, not hanging out with your friends. It becomes like, holy shit, I'm going to get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. So I get on the plane and this woman, not in my row, but the next row over, she had a little baby and it was crying.
And the dude next to me fell asleep and started snoring. And I just started laughing. And the poor woman, like she was traveling alone with this baby, right? And it was a baby too, maybe a little bit older than mine. This is my first kid, so I can't judge. I don't know if this kid was two, three months.
I don't know if it was 26 years old and had that disease that that fucking baby had in the Brad Pitt movie. Remember that? Remember the old baby? was just hanging around. And, you know, that guy wanted to, like, bang the chick. And he's like, you got to get this old baby out of here because it's weirding me out.
Which, you know, I'd like to think that that guy later on, once his dick wasn't hard and he was thinking clearly again, he probably was thinking, you know, I probably shouldn't have said that. You know, I probably shouldn't have trashed that old baby. That was the name of a band I used to play in. Old Baby. And, you know, we got a record contract and everything.
But, you know, lead singer got an appendicitis. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyway, so the baby's fucking crying. And the poor woman, like, she falls asleep. And the baby's, like, freaking out screaming. And she can't hear it because she's, like, she's fucking exhausted. She's got a baby and she's flying with it. And I'm sitting there.
And I'm watching the thing squirming around and her hands are like not really holding it anymore. So now it's like this situation. Like, is this is this lady going to drop that fucking baby? So I'm staring over there. I'm sure other people will look at me thinking I was giving her the evil eye because the baby was crying. But I wasn't.
I was just I don't know what the fuck I thought I was going to do because I still had my seatbelt on. My safety first, then a baby's. See that? That's why I'll never be a hero. Because what a true hero does is he sees danger. And without any sort of self, and he's safe. You know what I mean? That's to me is a hero. Like if you're in a fucking bank, right?
And these guys come in with guns and they go to rob the place. And they say we're going to blow everybody's fucking brains out. And then you act on that. You're not really a hero to me. OK, because at no point in that scenario were you safe. All right. You were immediately in the situation.
So no matter how you slice it, no matter how many fucking people you saved at the end of the day, you were motivated to save your own ass. And everybody else getting saved along with you is, you know. That's just collateral damage. I mean, it's positive. But if you're outside the bank, you're like, holy shit, I'm out here.
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