Monday Morning Podcast
The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25
Thu, 20 Mar 2025
Bill rambles about the View, tables in Times Square, and learning guitar. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (29:50) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 3-20-17 - Bill rambles about Dunkin' Donuts, old cars, and losing his shit. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Steve Vai - Answers (G3: Live In Concert)
Chapter 1: What did Bill Burr talk about on The View?
I had an interesting morning. I was on The View this morning. The View. The View. And you know what's hilarious is I told my lovely wife. I put the fan on. It's fucking hot as shit in here. I told my wife that I was going to be the lovely Nia. She goes, what are you doing tomorrow? And I was like, I got to do the view. She goes, what? She goes, who the fuck booked you on that?
I go, what are you talking about? She goes, all the dumb shit you've said about women. What the fuck are you going?
We both just started laughing. I go, I don't know. I think it's going to be all right or whatever. And I went in and it was great. I had a great time. And, um, I got to tell you a funny Joy Behar story that I never told. It's I'm going to make it vague because I don't want to get, you know, I don't want to say the whole thing. But one time, whatever, our paths crossed. Right.
So I'm talking to her. She's cool as shit. Right. And there was some other comedian there, you know, and for whatever reason, he started like trying to pick on her or whatever. And the dude was a really funny dude. And he started picking on her in the effortless way that she like trashed this dude. It was what's that martial arts style like a keto, you know, where you use their energy.
They come flying at you like they're going to kick your ass. And all of a sudden you send them flying across the room. It was just me, her and this other comedian. And she just mopped.
the floor with him and like i don't think her heartbeat went up even like half a beat per minute like it was it was fucking effortless and i was like holy shit and then i thought about it i'm thinking like well when she came up you know as much as females comics talk about now how hard it is for female when she came up like i mean it was like ridiculous like
So, like, the level of tough that you had to be, I don't think that this comedian understood, like, what she had already... Like, that he was nothing to her. And anyway, I brought it up to her during the break today. And I got to give her a hug and thank her for the free comedy show. It was one of my... Just one of those moments I won't forget where, like...
Like, wow, it's so cool to be in this business that I was in this room when that happened. Oh, my God, she fucking destroyed that guy. Top to bottom, destroyed the guy, and then the dude left. And then he came back in and I remember she just goes, she just looks, you know, she was talking to me and he comes in and then she just barely glances at him. She just goes, where'd you go?
And he goes, uh, you know, I went outside to have a cigarette. She just looks at him. She goes, you smoke too. After she had just eviscerated everything that he was doing and just, uh, it was, it was a fucking work of art. Um, I've told so many comedians the detailed story of that. So that's what you get on this podcast, all right? You ain't in the locker room, so I ain't naming names.
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Chapter 2: How does Bill Burr feel about Times Square's new tables?
There's people going by either cutting through the park, working out, fucking weirdos, musicians, sociopath, fucking, you know, Wall Street tech guys, you know. You just look at them going like, I wonder if they have like a solid platinum axe in their house. And they listen to Huey Lewis. I know that scene is fucking nuts, but how sick is that fucking axe? Anyway, plowing ahead here.
I'm totally into fucking MotoGP. I've had the time being out here to get into this stuff. What is it? COTA is next, right? Circuit of the Americas down there in Austin. Unfortunately, I won't be able to make the race this year because I'm working here in New York, obviously, but very excited about that. And, you know, I want to see is like this, you know, Mark Marquez thing is just crazy.
He's literally won everything. He's gotten both sprints, won both races, was pole position on both. It's just been the Mark Marquez parade. But I'm kind of excited that his brother has been able to... He's the only guy that's been able to keep up with him. So I got to think on one of these... You know, because the same thing happened on both races.
The first race, he let Alex pass him so he wouldn't chew up his tires, and he just sort of rode behind him. Um, until he just makes this decision that I'm going to pass you. And he just does. I was watching this whole cool video on like his ability, how late he breaks and how it puts all of this weight on the front of the bike. And then how he transfers it at the last second to the back brake.
I don't know what he's doing, which helps him dive into the turn and then roll on the throttle when he comes out. But, um, it's, uh, It's like an art. It's like an artist. It's unbelievable. So I don't know. We'll see. We'll see where that goes. So anyway, oh, fucking Billy in shape. I'm still going to the big gay gym, man. Underrated. Joining a big gay gym.
The level of shape that gay guys are in. It's like motivational. Like you come in there and you're like, no matter what shape you're in, you feel like you got a dad bod. But then after standing next to the gay guys, you feel fucking horrible. But then when you hang out with dads, you're like, oh, dude, I look fucking great.
I think all of those gay dudes in there, because men are visual creatures, like they literally have to go in there and be like in the Calvin Klein underwear shape. Like that's what the fuck they're going for. Where like if you just go to a gym in like the suburbs. You know, every guy in there is just trying to get rid of his man tits.
If he doesn't have man tits, you know, if his chest is sticking out a little further than his stomach, he's like, I fucking look all right. I like those guys with the belly and they go, but look, it's solid. It's fucking solid. It's like that's the fat. It's calcified. Those aren't abs.
Remember, I remember a long time ago, a guy used to say that he used to talk about how fucking hard his stomach was. And we used to believe it. And then years later they did a study going like, well, you know, when the fat's in there long enough, it starts to like, it starts to get like petrified. And I don't mean scared. I'm talking more like, uh, some dinosaur shit.
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Chapter 3: What guitar skills is Bill Burr working on?
So anyway, I'm going to do some stand-up tonight. Oh, Billy's going to get out there. I got some new fucking bits. I got some new ideas. I got some shit that I want to do. I don't have any advertising, so I have to keep babbling. Usually this is right now when I want to just read like an ad. You know?
I actually was dealing with a little bit of depression last night, right? Um... I've been starting to read the paper a little bit more, you know? Um...
I got the New York Times, right? Because I'm a meathead. I'm always getting the Post or the Daily News, and I just flip it over and I read the sports section. Because the front section of the Post and the Daily News is just garbage. It's so politically slanted. It's literally like, what if CNN and Fox News had a fucking paper, right? So I'm not reading that shit, right?
And I know you go, oh, fucking lefty liberal. I get it. I get New York Times is lefty liberal. But there's also information that I wasn't... That is going on in the world that I wasn't aware of. Shout out to the people of South Korea that stopped that dude from he was going to try to impose martial law and he was going to arrest his opponent. In the race or something like that.
And the opponent pleaded to the people to come down there. He almost. And this fucking guy that wanted martial law. He almost did it. And all he needed was like a hundred troops. And they almost came in and did it. But they were able to stop it. And now the dude who tried to have martial law. He got fucking arrested. You know. It was like an episode of Batman. Way back in the day.
where, you know, the Joker, the Riddler or whatever, the penguin, they would start out and they would, would have control of Gotham. And then by the end of the episode, whatever they had hatched, um, ended up backfiring on them. So that's good to see. It's good to see people saying, we don't want this getting together and stopping something.
It's nice to see that, that, uh, that that can still happen. Um, Because I've kind of had this epiphany where if you listen to any politicians, if you watch any of the 24-hour news networks or if you go on social media, it's like these people are all screaming like their heads are on fire. But then you walk out of the house and everybody's like, chill. Like, hey, man, how's it going?
Yeah, it's going pretty good. You think it's going to rain today? Hey, no, I don't know.
So I'm like, you know what? Why don't I walk away from all of this crazy shit? And... You know? Because paying attention to it doesn't seem to be doing anything for me other than making me fucking feel like I'm crazy. I will tell you what I want to do is... I talked about this earlier in the years. I want to do a gig over in Tokyo.
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Chapter 4: Why does Bill Burr appreciate gay gyms?
Ah, shit. I'm not going to be able to find it. You know what? I apologize.
I'm bringing it up and now I can't find it. I will get you the name of this movie. I will tell you this. Houston Punchline, Rory Scovel is there tonight and tomorrow. Oh, the 20th through the 22nd. So the 20th was yesterday, 21-22. Yeah, so definitely go down there and check that guy out. He's one of the funniest fucking human beings ever.
comedians I've ever met and he's so smart and so fucking silly all at the same time like that's like one of my favorite things ever is when a smart person um is acting silly and he's just okay oh I found it I found it King of the Mountain 1981 And all right. So it's all about these guys and they're they're they're up there, you know, racing cars.
But anyways, Rory Scovel, you got to go see this guy. OK, I'm letting you guys know because I'm getting tired of this shit where, you know, the Internet does not reward the funniest person. The Internet rewards who's the best at the Internet. So if you want to know who the best comics are out there, start asking your comics that have podcasts online. Cause you know, we're in the clubs all night.
Not every night I should say. So we know who the funny guys are. Rory fucking Scoville. And he's an incredible actor too. He did a little part for us in old dads and he was killing me. Um, I just think he's such an incredible talent and he's so fucking unique and so silly and super smart. Um,
um you know and it's an intense time so you know you want to go down and just have a good time and just forget about life or whatever or just go have a good laugh you had a tough week go check them out at the punchline in houston rory scoville i'm bill burr and i support this message all right that's the podcast everybody um thank you for listening thank you to everybody that's been um coming out to uh
the, uh, Glenn, Gary, Glenn Ross shows. Uh, also, um, I have a show in England at the, uh, I don't know where the fuck it is. The Apollo, I think, uh, benefit for Parkinson's disease. It's sold out. Um, I have a special guest that is opening on that show. I will eventually let you know. It's a musical guest. It's going to be fun. Um,
You know, this has to do with my love for Glenn Tipton and Judas Priest. So I know this other musician that is also a fan of the band wants to come. And we're going to have some fun before my set or whatever. A little teaser there, as they say in the business. All right, that's it. Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Themelis.
And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts.
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Chapter 5: How does Bill Burr handle his classic truck?
Let's get three of those. They kept talking to each other. We'll get three of the pink ones. And I was already having a bad day because I keep my truck in storage now because we got the little one. It's just easier for my wife to get in and out of the garage.
And I knew if I kept my truck there and she always had to squeeze by it and try and get the fucking stroller and all that shit, you know what's going to happen. Eventually, she's going to be like,
I don't know.
What do we need three cars for? And eventually she's going to make me sell it. So I did a preemptive strike and I immediately put it in fucking storage before she could bitch about it. So I had it over the last fucking like five days loving. So I just switch out. All right. I put Jackie in storage and I take out the old girl. Right. And I drove her for like five fucking days.
And of course the battery died because I forgot to unhook the terminals there. Had to get a jump down at the comedy store. Um, And anyway, so I'm going to return the car today. And it's the day before I go on the road. So we have a rule in my house. In my house, there is a rule. Basically, the day before I go on the road, it's family day. I hang out, you know, I make breakfast.
I made some fucking meatballs. I cook the goddamn chicken. I make sure she's got food in the fridge. You know, I'm a hell of a dad. So I make sure she's going to be all right. Right. So I go, all right, I got to return my truck. She's like, when are you going to be back? I'm like, I'm going to be back soon. All right. So I get in the truck and I do what I always do.
I drive down the I got to move fucking, you know, I got to move her car. I become like a valet because I have the shittiest driveway ever. Right. So I'm fucking driving up the street. And as always, big, stupid grin on my face. It's my favorite thing ever. It's three on the tree. It's so much fun to drive.
And whenever I get a little bit of space out here, I just get to fucking run through all three gears. That's all I want to do. Every time I do, I get right in. The second I get it into third gear, I always have the window down. Even though I put some AC in there, I never fucking use it. I didn't use it for so long.
I turned it on and all this white shit came out and I breathed it in and probably took like fucking nine years off my life. Anytime I get it up into third gear and I'm cruising down the street, I always do the same thing. I always go, woo! Every time. I never did that once in nine years of owning my Prius, ever. It's just, it's the greatest sound in the fucking world.
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Chapter 6: What does Bill Burr think about Dunkin' Donuts?
Uh, was in town and he brought her by and I got to take her on a couple of hikes. We hung out and, um, you know, it's sort of like a shared custody thing. I mean, he has her like 95% of the time, but I know she's safe. She looked great. And, um, It's awesome. I don't know if it's good or bad for me to keep seeing her because it's always fucking unbelievably sad every time when I give her back.
But as long as I know the next time I'm going to see her, then I kind of have hope or whatever. I just keep jokingly saying that she went to college. And this is like spring break. She comes back in March or whatever. But what's great is I know she's okay. I know she's going to live out a full life. And whenever that day comes... when she's coming down to the end of it, I'm going to be there.
Cause I always, I kind of made a promise, you know, you know, when you get a dog, that's, it's like, you know, that's it. Like how much you love a dog. It's like, dude, I'm there until the end. And, um, you know, even though the way it worked out with having a kid and everything, um, The main point of the whole thing was that she survived and she had a great life.
She's got this... You know, she's living in a great house now in Arizona and all that type of shit. And it just means I'll play Arizona more. And the person who owns her makes frequent trips out here, always drives out. And I think he'll always bring her because he knows that we love her. Nia got to see her and everything. She came back over the house, was hanging out. And...
You know, she smelled like us, so she was cool. But it really was never, oh, my God, I just said her fucking name. I just uttered her name. Anyways, and she just basically, you know, it was never about the kid. It was about everybody else that was going to be coming by, and it was going to be too crazy, and the dog was going to get even more protective attention.
And, you know, I went through it with the whole trainer. It was like the dog's going to go to a whole nother level. And I just knew something. Something was going to happen. The craziness of having a kid. So we just we made the right decision. Anyways. All right. Where do we go from here? I'm going to edit that out, by the way. That's going to annoy you guys. You said the name.
You should let me fucking know. So many weirdos out there. Too many weirdos. So anyways, what have I been up to? I've been watching a little bit of the March Madness. As much as I can, you know, having the kiddo around. I watched Duke, you know, win their first round. I don't know. I'm assuming they won the second round or I would have. I'm assuming that they're in the fucking Sweet 16.
My internet sucks. Right now, the Internet is such a fucking I went, I spent all this fucking money. I was just like, dude, you give me fucking the Internet that Jesus would have. And they said, all right, it's going to be nine million bucks. I said, I'll write that fucking check. You you fucking criminal. And they said, fine. And I had the best Internet for about six months.
And then slowly it just starts sucking again. And what it is is I think they just turn the juice up on your house. whoever's paying the most for it, and then the next guy gets bumped back, and then he's like, hey, what the fuck happened to my good internet?
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Chapter 7: What are Bill Burr's thoughts on current events?
Just an old school donut shop that's been around for decades and hasn't changed a bit. None of that crazy soy-based, gluten-free, pomegranate fritter with cruelty-free bacon bullshit. Just the classics. Chocolate, maybe an old-fashioned or jelly-filled. You fucking asshole. I'm trying to lose weight. Don't tell me about this place. But holy shit.
The only one you need from Stan's is the plain glazed donut. I'm going to be there with Dean Del Rey. Oh, he's off sugar, so he won't do it. They will give you a glazed donut so fresh it might burn your mouth if you aren't careful. And you can see them pulling them out of their fryer just behind the counter. Can't beat it, dude.
My mom used to take me here before school when I was really little, and I came back for the first time in like 15 years the other day, and it's even better than I remembered. Well, you got a little child sense memory going on there. Oh, my God, dude, why are you doing this to me? Immediately thought of you and that you'd like the old school feel of the place.
It's like five minutes from the San Jose improv. Make it happen. Do it for Stan. Oh, God. Well, I can tell you that's definitely happening. Well, you know what? I'm going to do I'm going to do a tour of San Jose, one of my city tours. We're definitely I'm going to fucking go there. I'm going to end there eating a fucking donut. Maybe I'll start there, just hating myself. All right. Redskins.
Redskins. I'm sitting here listening to your podcast on the past Monday, and I'm thinking about the Redskins. Keep the name. Change the mascot. Change the mascot to a potato. That's fucking hilarious, but that's not intimidating. You know what I mean? The Redskins. Of course, their nickname would be the Hash Browns. But you know what? You know hash browns are delicious. That's fucking hilarious.
You know something? That's actually fucking brilliant. So you still call them the Redskins. You change the mascot to a fucking potato. You know something? That's one of the most brilliant fucking ideas I think that's ever been fucking sent in. God knows I've never said anything better than that. That's fucking brilliant. Change it to a fucking potato.
But then what do you have on the side of your helmet? Then you know what you do? You just go back to the old logo with the R on the side. And the feather hanging off is the red skin like you peel the potato. You know that thing when people like they peel and they go all the way around in a circle. It could be like that. Great idea. That right there. That's a funny motherfucker.
I hope you're very successful in life. Thank you for the. That's fucking. I didn't ever think of that. I'm slipping as a comedian. All right. The Great Barrier Reef. By the way, did you hear Netflix is going to switch from the stars from five stars to thumbs up, thumbs down? I don't know. Why would you do that?
You know, because I give, you know, if it's just thumbs up, thumbs down, it's just such a wide peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Thumbs up. Gourmet meal on the French Riviera. Watching the fucking from a yacht, watching the fucking the end of a Formula One race in Monaco. Thumbs up. The Godfather. Thumbs up. Meatballs. Thumbs up. You know what I mean?
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Chapter 8: Where can you see Rory Scovel perform?
Hey, Nia!
Fuck. Maybe she knows. Hang on a second. Let me hit pause. You know what I realized? You know what I realized? She's going to come in here Ahold of my daughter, and we can't talk about this shit when she's here. All right? Well, I'm going to have to put this... This one I can't do. Okay? And I always say, oh, it's a fucking podcast. She's never going to be on again. No. My daughter's developing.
Eventually, she'll be playing with toys. She can sneak in here, and she can answer some goddamn questions. All right? There you go. Or... I don't know how to do it. Anyways, dude, I don't know what to tell you, dude. I'm so fucking excited I can't even think straight right now. God bless you. I hope this fucking works out, man. And I want to hear the fucking story.
Okay, lately she's been trying to get me a girlfriend probably so this sexual tension can be redirected. Yeah, you know, so basically every once in a while she doesn't mind banging a guy as long as there's, you know what it's like? It's like you're going out to a restaurant, right?
She's going to order one thing, you're going to order the other thing, but she's going to take a couple of fucking, you know, a couple of spoonfuls off of your plate. That's what's going to happen here. Oh my God, this is fucking tremendous. Fucking tremendous. God bless you, dude. I have no advice. I've never been in that situation. It's tremendous. All right. Good luck to you.
All right, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday and I'll check in on you on Thursday. And thank you to everybody. My shows are sold out in San Jose. I'm doing two Monday, two Tuesday, two Wednesday. I'm working with the great Dean Del Rey. We're going to fucking kill it when we're up there. And also, I need to hype this show I have coming up.
I'm doing a fucking we'll send the link out. On March, I'm doing this MS benefit and they're honoring Richard Pryor. And it's on March 25th, 7 p.m. out here in Los Angeles. I'll put up the link for tickets and all that. I believe we just tweeted it out. I'm going to be co-hosting with Craig Gass. There's going to be all these amazing musicians there.
It's going to be a great night for a great cause. I hope you guys can make it down. It's a Saturday night. Come on. Come on down. There's a fucking taco truck down there. It's going to be a great time. All right? That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.
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