Monday Morning Podcast
NHL, Shows, Model Cars | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-25
Thu, 27 Feb 2025
Bill rambles about the NHL, going to shows, and model cars. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (31:59) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 2-27-25 - Bill rambles about Daytona, texting, and taking back roads.
Chapter 1: What is the Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit and when is it happening?
The 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit will be Sunday, May 18th, as always, at the New York City Center, which is 131 West 55th Street between 6th and 7th. Avenue, New York City, doors open at 7 p.m., show starts at 7.30 p.m. The lineup is Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, D.C. Benny, Tim Dillon. I hope I say this name right. Nimesh Patel, Sean Patel. It's so funny.
That's a big last name in Glengarry Glen Ross. But tell Sean Patton, Rich Voss, as always, will be hosting it. I'm going to do a little time in there and we might have a special guest drop in. I'm working on that right now. You never know. Tickets go on sale today at 12 p.m. Eastern Time. All tickets are 75 bucks. Tickets can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org slash patrice2025.
One more time, that's www.nycitycenter.org slash patrice2025. Patrice is P-A-T-R-I-C-E. Or by calling the box office at 212-581-1212. All of this info will be posted on my social handles and on my website. Shout out and thank you, as always, to the captain of the ship, the producer, the booker, everybody. All the minutiae of it is Maureen Tarrin. And that's it.
It's always my favorite thing every year. It's like a... i don't know it's like a high school reunion i get to see all these comics i never get to work with now because i live in la and then i also get to see young up-and-coming comedians that were influenced by uh patrice's body of work so there you go that's that oh here's something i forgot to bring up on the monday morning podcast um
Chapter 2: Why is hockey less popular and what are the recent controversies?
You know, my whole life, they've always wondered why hockey wasn't popular. How come it was always a distant fourth? You know, I can't see the puck. It doesn't translate on TV. I love they fucking saying that, but they got women's lacrosse with that cameraman. How about you zoom in once every fucking while? My eyes are fucking too old to watch that sport. But anyway...
The thing about it is, it's not only is it like more of a rogue sport, they've made just one fucking bonehead move after another. And even when they go to do something great, it doesn't make any sense. Like I remember back in the day, they were on ESPN, which was great for the league in the 80s. And then the USA Network came along and offered them like a hundred bucks more.
And they said, fuck ESPN. And they went to USA. They've always been doing shit like that. Right. The brawling got out of control in the 70s. They always been doing stuff to shoot themselves in the foot. They fucking took teams out of Canada and brought them down to like fucking Florida and Phoenix and all this dumb shit. And then they start getting going. They start doing smart.
Nashville, who knew? Boom, huge city. Vegas, boom, huge city. Seattle, who knew, right? All of a sudden, okay, they got some momentum. They got some momentum. And then they got this fucking world championship. Can somebody explain to me how Canada is the champion? It doesn't make any sense. Why do they do everything so fucked up in hockey? Write down they don't have quarters. They have periods.
They have two breaks, which I understand if you've ever played, you're fucking exhausted, sprinting the whole goddamn game. But, like, we beat Canada a couple of Saturdays ago. All right? With Connor McDavid all the way to fucking Sidney Crosby. Unbelievable team. We beat them. Great game. Three fights in the first minute like old school hockey and then just great hockey, right?
So we beat them to advance to the final. All right? So then Canada's got to play their way in. I don't know who the fuck they played. They played like fucking Iceland or some shit. They win and now they're in the final with the American team. So now America's in a situation where USA has to go 2-0 against Canada or else we're the losers. If we go 1-1, we lose.
If Canada wins, they're 1-1 against us, but they're the champions. Who was going to beat that Canada team twice? You weren't going to beat the USA twice. It was fucking... And the Russians weren't involved. They weren't invited. I can't even remember if I brought this up. I'm still trying to... Wrap my head around how you go one and one and you're the better fucking team.
So all you up in Canada, you know, when you chant and win number one, why don't you chant? We're one and one. We're one. It's the dumbest fucking tournament I've ever seen. Like, how does that work? I get tournaments where it's just, you know, sudden death. You lose, you're out. I've never seen one where you fucking lose. You can play your way back in.
And then the other teams, they got to beat you twice. But you can have a 500 record and then you're the better team. I mean, I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't know. But congratulations, Canada. You're number one and one. I still love the sport, but that's the one I'm just... I knew all Saturday. I go, there's no fucking way. But we almost beat them, too. We almost beat them again.
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Chapter 3: What theatrical experiences is Bill Burr transitioning into?
Canada beat the United States to win the world championship. They won the series one game to one. Clearly demonstrating that they are without a doubt the best fucking one in one team you're ever going to see. It's fucking stupid. The whole thing was fucking stupid. Makes no sense. And why would you rob hockey fans of having another game? Right. You got another game and then we get to see. OK.
All right. Best two out of three. I like that. Nice and quick. You know, these fucking all these other leagues with their fucking 58 rounds of seven game series, including the NHL. Jesus fucking Christ. How long are you going to drag it out? How many fucking cars do you got to sell while we watch this shit?
Anyway, just another thing that makes me love and just completely confused as to how hockey does their math. And it's not a metric system thing because I watch sports around the world. I've traveled. I've seen them. Nothing makes less sense than the way the NHL does their shit. It just fucking does it. Well, I guess it was the NHL. Whatever the hockey, the sport of hockey.
It's just a bizarre thing. It's a great game. It's a beautiful goddamn game, but I swear to God, you make sense of it. You're a better man than me. Anyway, exciting news here. We're in our last week at the rehearsal space, which has been going great.
We're dialing it in, and pretty soon we're going to be over at the theater working things out, and next thing you know, we're going to be in for premieres.
and uh preview sorry and then we have opening night buddy of mine he corrected me on all my terminology opening night uh then there's at the end there's a curtain call i'm gonna i'm gonna get all this terminology down because i i sound like i don't know what i'm talking about um so anyway i'm getting uh getting pretty goddamn excited about that um
And, yeah, I guess that's really all I have going on in my life. I've been running around doing spots. I went up to the Upper West Side Comedy Club. Great room. Went up there on New Jokes Night, New Material Night. You just go up and kind of riff on whatever you want to talk about, which was really fun, man. It was a nice, perfect-sized crowd. Went up there, fucked around, man.
Did a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Added to some shit. I mean, it wasn't all brand new material, but I was able to expound on it. Is that a word? Is it? I have no idea. So it's going good. So all I got to do now, I got about like four or five lines left that I have to get word perfect. And then I am I'm off and running here, but we've been having a great time.
I've never gotten to work on anything this long other than editing a movie. But even then, it's like the performances are already done. You know, everything I've done in this business, you know, becoming a comedian. You want to be a comedian? All right, go up and do it. Five minutes. Go on. Come back next week. Whatever. Write some shit. All right. And go. No rehearsal. And perform it.
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Chapter 4: How does Bill Burr feel about societal and political issues today?
I feel like a lot of us are like fucking institutionalized into believing that there's this party and that party. And everything would be great if you just did what my party wanted. Rather than being like, no, there's a lot of fucking corrupt, fucked up people in both parties serving these fucking super fucking rich assholes. who evidently just cannot have enough fucking money. I don't understand.
It's got to be like, I don't know, like their quest for power. You ever see somebody who just can't stop getting tattoos? They get like addicted to them and next thing you know, it's like they're drowning in them and it starts creeping up their neck and then they're getting them on their face. They tattoo their whole fucking head and then they just run out. I kind of feel like they're like that.
It's just like, dude, like... What kind of a fucking asshole has a billion dollars and is still going to work? Like, what the... What are you doing? If I had a fucking billion dollars, like... You could literally go to a town and help everybody out. You could go to a state... And just be like, you know, I want to be the best shit ever. The best, as they say, he's a good shit.
That's a Massachusetts thing. I want to be the best fucking guy ever. You just go in, you just rescue a state. Like, I feel like that, the Tesla guy, like if he fucking really just wanted that dopamine of like feeling like a god, just take your money and go to West Virginia. God knows those people need the help. It's one of the most exploited fucking states in the universe, right?
In the country, I mean, right? Go there, fix the fucking schools, turn the fucking place around, and live there. It's beautiful. Turn the whole fucking thing around, then name the state after you. You're not going to do better than that. You're not going to do better than that. They don't. They'd rather just keep it for themselves only. Like, what do they want?
Everybody to be peeking over their fence being like, oh, wow, it's got to be amazing to be you, man. And I know I say this all the time, but, you know, you got to look at that guy and realize that God created that guy. You know, that's and that's the thing that I don't believe in the afterlife. That God is an angry God. I just don't, if you believe in God.
There's no way you can make a man that's named Elon, right? Elon, whatever his fucking name is. You can't make a guy named Elon and he ends up being this big of a douche. He already has a douchey first name. And then he's going to be that big a douche and cause this amount of fucking suffering just for the fucking hell of it. And you created the guy. And then you're going to get mad at me, what?
Because I called somebody a cunt in traffic? You know? Can you imagine having the balls to say that when you're getting judged by God and he starts giving you a rough time and be like, hey, God, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to step on your fucking creative toes here, but I think you got bigger fish to fry, don't you?
You know, I think maybe you have some things that, you know, maybe you should answer to. Like why you've created all these megalomaniacs throughout. Why do you create sociopaths? Why do you create narcissists? Why do you create serial killers? Why do you create these fucking people? Child molesters. Why do you create these fucking people? What's wrong with you? What did I do exactly?
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Chapter 5: What happened during Bill Burr's recent trip to Daytona Beach?
I'd start... They always made you start with the engine and I was bored shitless with it. I wanted to get to the car and I would skip steps and all of that. I just, you know... I was an idiot. Like doing standup is the only thing I was ever fucking good at. Right. I just sucked at everything else. So now I get the chance to kind of redo that.
And, um, I cannot wait to like, you know, I'm going to wait till we're done with rehearsals and we start doing the show when I have the time. And, um, I was telling him like, like, because I kind of need something to replace cigar smoking, because I don't even think about smoking cigars anymore, but I do miss the quiet and the solitude of doing it.
And I equated it with the smoke, and it really wasn't. It was just that, you know, you can only smoke in a few places, so you just kind of had to sit there and, you know, If I was smart enough to not have my phone on, if I just sat there, it was a really nice sort of reset. You know, you look at your life, you think of all this bullshit that doesn't mean anything.
You start to think about the stuff that matters, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that. And I'm thinking like maybe making these cars is a good way to fix that. So then I don't go back because I really don't feel like going back. I do enjoy a cigar, but I think I've had enough.
to get enough of them um you know I don't know there's other things to do uh so anyway let me let me do uh do I have any reads I don't think I have any reads I do not I do not have any reads I do not in fact have any reads to do um so anyway um still been hitting the gym stomach is coming down
I'm still like, just cannot believe when I sit down and I just look at the damage I've done and I've took a lot off already. You know? And it's still a fucking shit show. You know, it's easy to look good with clothes on, especially if you're wearing a peacoat over the clothes.
What are you talking about?
You look great. It's like I'm wearing 600 pounds of clothes right now. Of course I look like I'm fucking in shape. Um, so, uh, yeah, I got a fucking, like if I was a car, you know, there's no way I would be at the Mecham auction. No fucking way. This is something you pull out of the woods, you know, and then, you know, whatever you want, you get half of that.
fucking engine block is seized, um, engine block, the fucking engine is seized, um, anyway, um, oh, speaking of that, I saw, like, uh, I saw this really fucking cool car, and it was an Australian Ford from the 1970s, it was sort of like, there, it was like a Lando, or something like that, L-A-N-D-A-U, or something, and, uh, It just looked like it was made out of leftover parts.
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Chapter 6: What are Bill Burr's reflections on past experiences and missed opportunities?
If she wasn't high, she had just done so many fucking drugs. She brought the fucking wings over, right? And they were like, they weren't ice cold. They were room temperature, which is fucking ice cold. And I'm like, yeah, and I hate sending food back. We're sitting in this fucking restaurant, right? And we're sitting in... It's like basically a NASCAR.
Because we're there to go to the Daytona 500 the next day, right? It's like a NASCAR that they cut in half and put a booth in the middle of it, right? Or some shit. I don't know what the fuck it is. And we looked up later and evidently this was the worst restaurant. Me and Nate ended up going to this fucking thing. Ended up being the worst restaurant. It wasn't bad.
I ordered the fucking... It looked shady... And the music they were playing, they were playing like ZZ Top, She's Got Legs. They played George Thorogood twice. They played Yes, Owner of a Lonely Heart. I was just sitting there. It felt like it was 1985. I was joking on stage that night. I was waiting for fucking Marty McFly to come walking in. Keyword there, fly.
And there was just some guy walking around sort of mouthing the words. And it wasn't even a good George Thorogood song. It wasn't Bad to the Bone or whatever that fucking one whiskey, one scotch or one beer. It wasn't that one.
It was that cover. My back door. Now my bitch don't come no more. Moving on over. Rocking on over. It's just sitting there going, oh, my God.
Um. The waitress fucked up every possible way she could have fucked up other than just blowing her nose into the bread. I mean, other than that, every fucking thing you could do, she fucked up. It was hilarious. I felt bad for her. I could see, you know, she just, you know, we all do it. We all do it in my business. We stay out there too long. Madonna did it. You know, she's still twerking.
She's like 60. It's like Madonna, for the love of fucking God, can you dress your age properly? OK, could you have a shred of fucking decency for yourself so that people can just in a general sense look in your your your direction? You know what I mean? There was a bunch of guys down on Daytona Beach dressing the way Madonna was dressing.
There was a bunch of fucking guys my age still wearing tank tops. Where your arms have no muscle definition anymore. It's just, it looks like, you know what it looks like? It looks like, you know when somebody has like cankles? You know that part of the leg where it just, you know, there's no shape to the calf? That's what the arm looks like. And it's all fucking flabby.
And just these awful, horrific fucking tattoos. Just shit you pick off a wall. Somebody with the shakes just puts it on your fucking arm, man. So she comes over. By the way, when you go into a place like that, because once I sit down, I'm not leaving. Just go with the grilled cheese. You get a grilled cheese sandwich and what can they do? You know what I mean? Fucking Nate ordered a hamburger.
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Chapter 7: How does Bill Burr incorporate humor into everyday observations?
So the night before we went out, after we left the fucking bar where these girls had to walk around with half of their fucking ashes hanging out. And now that I'm a dad, it was even worse. I just kept thinking, what if my daughter ends up working? I wanted to meet the father of all these guys and be like, what did you do that had them end up here? So I don't do it.
So my daughter doesn't end up here. So we go down the fucking street. And we go to this other fucking bar. They're like, they got a biker bar down there because, you know, Daytona has that fucking crazy biker week and some shit out here. And I'm just like, I am not a biker and I'm not going to go in there and get fucking, you know, I don't know, a pool cue fucking shoved in my ear.
I don't need this shit. Right. So we go to this other bar. It's sort of a sports bar. We walk in. Everything's cool. So I ordered some food. I go, let me get the. What's the raw tuna? It's not sashimi. Is it tuna tartare? Tartare? Is that what I ordered? You know, in this fucking sports bar. Why would you order raw fish in a place like that? It's fucking nuts. But I did.
And I ordered chips and salsa. And I swear to God, this woman walked into the kitchen. They had in the outdoor, you know, the swinging doors. She walked in there. And the door went, and then she came walking right back out with the fucking food, like disturbingly. Like it came back so fucking fast. The look on my face, Nate was fucking crying, laughing.
And all I can say about the food is you shouldn't have to chew raw tuna. It should be like butter, like melts in your mouth kind of thing. And I was chewing the shit out of it. So anyways, back to the fucking other place. You know, this is so stupid that I'm fucking shitting on the food there.
When you're sitting in a fucking NASCAR that's been cut in half and they put a fucking booth in the middle of it, can you really complain about the food? Well, you know what? I have an hour to fill here, so I'm gonna. So this poor woman who, you know, probably had some shitty dad and she ended up doing drugs is trying to get her fucking order right.
And, you know, the guy's walking around mouthing the words, moving on over. And this guy in the corner starts eating this burger, dude. And I can't even tell the way he was fucking attacking this burger. I was crying, laughing, and I had to do like that, you know, you know, when you're with somebody and you're. The person you're laughing at kind of catches you looking at them.
And then you want your friend to look at them, too. So you got to do like that kind of that stretch thing where you look back. Fortunately, there was a flat screen TV above his head. And I just sort of like without even like a ventriloquist, just like just turn around, look at the TV, you know, did like one of those things. And dude, the way this guy would he attack this burger.
Like he he lunged at it rather than like it was almost like his it was someone else was holding it was the way he was trying to steal a bite of somebody else's burger. That's the way this guy was eating. Like his first bite into the burger, he fucking lunged at it so hard he hit himself in the face with like the lettuce.
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