Dan Savage
Appearances
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
My brother will never forgive me if I butcher a sports metaphor, so let me make sure I'm gonna get this right. I'm gonna run this ball the last five yards for you. I think Jill is upset by what happened because two male friends of hers that she may have some interest in were alone with her and they both inquired as to whether you were available and might be interested in them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
I think her overreaction here is hurt and jealousy. What do you do with that? You can't call her and say, you're just jealous. That'll make it worse. If you call her and say that, and you go on this trip, girl, you're going to die on that mountain. Jill's going to push you off a chairlift. What you have to do is
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Anyway, first I want to say, Hashtag not all bi guys, not all bi guys everywhere got online on Christmas Eve to complain about the straight women who won't date them. This very special, very niche New Year's Eve intro is going out to not all bi guys everywhere.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
in a situation like this is just kind of absorb it and do the wicked thing, hold space for it, allow for your friend to have had an overreaction that unpacking why they overreacted would create even more hurt for them. So you apologize You say, I'm sorry. You did say you didn't want to be dragged into it. And I mentioned your name.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
I didn't know how to avoid mentioning your name because how was I supposed to know? But I clearly should have handled this differently or waited until one or the other or both of them came at me or began to flirt with me on the trip. And I'm sorry. And let's put this behind us and I will file this away. And if we're ever in a situation like this again, I will know not to handle it like this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And I'm sorry. And then you think, but you don't say the intensity of your reaction is tied to understandable hurt. not hard for you to project yourself into Jill's shoes here. If two guys you were interested in both came to you and said, how about Jill? Do you think Jill would want to go out with me? You'd be hurt too. And that might be hurt.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
You'd have a hard time expressing directly to Jill for fear of seeming insecure or petty or having to own that. Maybe you're the, at least in this instance, the less attractive friend. Friend groups, friendships can involve some feelings of competitiveness, pettiness, jealousy. And I think that's what's happened here. So you need to ask yourself, do you want to be right?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Do you want to win this argument? Do you want to force Jill to admit that she overreacted because she's jealous? Or do you want to preserve and sustain this friendship? And I think it's the latter, right? There are, in all relationships, issues you will never resolve. Prices of admission, even in a friendship, that you will have to pay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Minds that you will know where they are planted and you will have to step around. And this is one of those times.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
It's going out to the bi guys who I saw complaining about the straight women who won't date them on a social media platform on Christmas Eve. Guys, most men don't want to date other men and gay men. We do fine.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
the problem with letting somebody live their own life, keeping your mouth shut is there are lots of examples out there of people who ended their own lives because they didn't think anybody cared about them or they believed the bullshit that had been pounded into their heads by the faith community or the faith tradition in which they were raised. And that can have dire potential consequences.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
There are lots of instances where people kind of knew somebody was closeted and miserable and didn't say anything because they didn't want to make that person feel self-conscious and that person was working so hard to hide this thing and would be embarrassed if they realized that they weren't that successful at hiding it and then wish they'd said something.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
erred on the side of saying something after this person killed themselves and just felt tremendous guilt in the wake of that suicide. That is perhaps a low probability event, but it is a high consequence event. Only you can judge based on what you know of your nephew and how close you are to your nephew, whether there would be some benefit or
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
In saying something either directly or alluding to it or just opening up a line of communication that creates an opportunity for him to tell you something, anything, what's your relationship like? You don't sound like a religious person. Maybe you don't have a very tight relationship with your nephew. You just see... Your gaydar pings when your nephew's in the room and you assume he's miserable.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And maybe he is, but maybe he's at peace with never coming the fuck out of the closet. I couldn't be at peace with that. Obviously I wasn't and I did come out of the closet, but some people never do. And it could make it worse, actually. You could not bring about the worst case scenario that, of course, I didn't. I went right to because I'm Irish Catholic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Lewis Oakley, a bisexual writer and activist in the UK, wrote a piece about this phenomena for The Independent a couple of years ago that got passed around on Christmas Eve, headlined, Why Don't Women Want to Date Bisexual Men? Oakley's piece has the stats. He brings the data. He cites and bemoans, quote, studies finding only 19% of women would date a bisexual man. Only 19%? That's bad?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
But you could bring about kind of an emotional crisis or cause him a lot of emotional pain if you go to him directly and say, look, you're gay. If he's worked since age 10 to hide this and every time somebody he gets clocked by causes him tremendous pain, you could make –
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
where he is right now so much worse, but you could also make where he is so much better if he felt like he could open up to somebody finally. So you should try to induce that sense in him that he could open up to you about this by not directly addressing it. By telling him he can open up to you about anything.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
By calling him up and asking him if he's seen Wicked and you want to see Wicked and you want to go to Wicked with somebody. That's kind of gay coded. It's a hint. It's a gesture. But it's also like the most popular movie in America and straight people are seeing it too. So it's not necessarily him outing himself by expressing any interest in going to see Wicked with his – Crazy uncle.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And then who knows if you had a tighter relationship with him, if you became his confidant, who knows what he might confide in you. And maybe that's what he needs, but you can scare somebody who's in the closet, deeper into the closet by looking right at them and saying, I know. And now you know that I know, and you probably know that other people know, and
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Sometimes when you say to somebody, you're gay, right? They double, triple, quadruple down on the denial. They deny it. They say, no, they're not. And they retreat further into the closet. It can make it harder for them, but it's such, it's such a tight rope.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
You want to err on the side of not driving somebody deeper into the closet, but you also want to err on the side of not making somebody feel so isolated, miserable, unseen, and alone that But they make a worse choice than closeted. But my advice to you, ask your nephew he wants to go fucking see Wicked and grab dinner sometime and just hang out. And then see where the conversation goes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
People sometimes use chaser to mean anybody who's in pursuit of anything, that there are people out there who are... deep throat chasers, people out there who are daddy chasers. But when it's used all by itself in the context of Grindr, it doesn't mean bug chaser.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
There were people out there who were fetishizing getting infected by HIV 10, 15 years ago, pre-prep, before prep, and people out there who were fetishizing infecting other people with HIV. It was a very dark and desperate and sad and despairing moment for a lot of
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
gay men in the early 90s when the deaths were ramping up and up and up and some attention was fading from HIV and we'd been marinating in safe sex messages for more than a decade and there was a kind of perverse reaction to the condom norm and the pressure of constantly feeling like there was this thing out there lurking waiting to kill you, HIV, and some people...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
I crunched some numbers. These are very rough numbers. I am famously bad with numbers. Barbie was right. Math is hard. Someone's gonna need to check my work, but here we go. Most studies put the percentage of men who are gay at just under 2%, 1.7, 1.8%. We're gonna round that up to two.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
fetishized running at that thing because it felt dangerous and risky and transgressive but along comes prep and that bug chaser sense of chaser just went the fuck away hiv was no longer a death sentence and the power of the transgression and seeking out hiv or giving somebody else hiv and fuck those people who knowingly gave other people hiv at that moment fuck them just kind of evaporated
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
So when you see chaser now out there, it means often chubby chaser, but usually when somebody uses means chubby chaser, they're into big guys, big women. It's qualified. The chubby is there before the chaser chaser on grinder can often mean usually means somebody who is seeking out trans women.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
We used to call them, when I did drag, when we went to the bars, there weren't a lot of trans women around then. There were tons of trans women around. They weren't at the queer bars. Trans women 30 years ago weren't integrated into the gay, lesbian, bi, trans community in the way they are now. And I'm delighted they are now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
But really, the guys who were into dick but attached to something that looked like a woman would show up at drag night. And we called them panty chasers. And it was, it was weird and off putting. Cause like we didn't mean it as a compliment and it didn't feel complimentary when they were chasing us around. It felt vaguely threatening and often very, very.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
dysfunctional because when you were a drag queen 30 years ago and a panty chaser would come at you, they would say you were a girl to your face and you would look at them and say, I'm not a girl. I'm a boy. And then they would say, no, you're not. You're a girl. And it was just like, oh my God, I can't deal with this. We didn't go home with the panty chasers.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
We went home with the guys who asked us to take our panties and everything else off once we got home before we had sex. But chasers now, when people talk about chasers and They're sending up a flag that they're into or open to or also interested in trans women, sometimes trans men. I don't think it's necessarily a very complimentary way of putting that out there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
There are, of course, people who find being chaste, C-H-A-S-E-D, not C-H-A-S-T-E, in this way affirming. And sexual slang, sexual lingo, it can have a rough edge. It may not be what you would say in a seminar room or a sex ed class at Berkeley or Vassar, but
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
That cut through the chase, get to the point kind of communication on Grindr can result in people finding what they're looking for and people finding the people who are looking for what they're selling or what they're offering. Not all people are selling. So Chaser, when you see it all by itself on Grindr, probably somebody who's into trans men, trans women, non-binary folks, genderqueer people.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And yes, we keep reading stories about more and more people, especially young people, identifying as LGBTQIA+++, but the increase isn't among gays and lesbians whose numbers have stayed pretty constant over the years. More bisexuals have come out as queer, which is great.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Anyway, thanks for the call. Interesting question. Nice little trip down memory lane.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And more of, well, what mean and misinformed and gatekeepy gays and lesbians sometimes dismiss as spicy straights have come out as queer. Poly or kinky straight people, heteroromantic asexuals, non-binary people who are exclusively attracted to people who were assigned whatever the opposite was of their assigned sex at birth. Me? I am not a mean gay. I am not gatekeepy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
My first thought, how does the existence of an ex, an ex-girlfriend, even a pregnant ex-girlfriend, preclude sleepovers? I mean, he's presumably not living with his pregnant ex-girlfriend. You say that she's getting close to her due date and he's gone now, he's away now, which leads me to believe his ex doesn't live in the same city where you guys live. And so why no sleepovers?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
I don't want to stick a red flag in that, an additional red flag to the red flag that you're sticking into his failing to disclose the pregnant ex to you sooner, but... Maybe a yellow flag? And actually, I think his failure to disclose the pregnant ex-girlfriend, that could be a yellow flag.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
A lot of people are quick to round everything up to red flag, but I can kind of sort of understand why he might have hesitated to disclose the pregnant ex to you. It's only been a few months. You were keeping things secret. casual and when you want to keep something casual, usually it's because there are reasons you're moving away or you have some other commitment.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
There's something that you're not yet ready to share with a person and you want to see if there's someone that you could be serious about before you start trauma dumping on them, before you start telling them. What else is going on in your life that could complicate this relationship? It's entirely possible that he went into this thinking it could be just a fling.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
It could last six weeks, eight weeks. It could run its course of its own natural accord as most early new, just hooking up, keeping it casual relationships do. And he wouldn't have to disclose this to you. So you can regard his failure to disclose as a bad sign. Because he withheld this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Now, I think three months is a perfectly reasonable time frame to disclose something that might impact whether somebody else wanted to continue to make a large emotional investment in you and the relationship. I think 12 weeks in is a pretty good time. So I would let this play out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
It's possible, based on what you've told me about what he's told you, that he may decide to stick around with his ex, wherever the fuck his ex happens to be, and the new baby, to help out and maybe to do a little co-parenting. And who knows? Maybe they'll get back together for... The convenience of at least being together for the first year or so.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And then this won't be a decision that you have to make. This will be taken out of your hands. And then what did you have? What did you have? You had a great three-month relationship with a lot of really hot sex with a guy who turned out to have a bit more complicated of a backstory than you realized. But who did tell you? He did disclose it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Again, three months in, which seems a perfectly reasonable time to disclose it. Yeah. But what do you do? I think you play it by ear. If he comes back and you want to continue to date him, great. You say that you would have been open to dating somebody who was a single parent, somebody who had a child with another person, another woman.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And now you can prove that that's true by continuing to date this guy. But if you've never dated somebody who is a new parent and co-parenting with somebody else, the complications may be too great for you. And the his divided focus. You know, the three months you were together, you were his sole focus.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Once that baby comes and it is the infant relay race, particularly if he's going to be an involved parent, you won't be the sole focus. And if you want a partnership,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
course him parenting with this woman is going to create a financial burden for him in the form of child support if they don't live together and that may you know if you're paying child support may act as an incentive if he's on the fence about that relationship to get back together with him just for the simplicity sake of being in the same place at the same time to take care of this kid and them being able to share the burden and the expense of it equally
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
If the queer label works for you, if it speaks to you, welcome. We are under attack. Grab a flag. Mount the barricades. We can mount each other later. All right, more numbers. There are roughly 8 billion people on the planet.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Yeah, I don't think this is ultimately a decision you're going to have to take. This is a decision that is going to be taken for you. And I'm going to come down on the side of him waiting three months to tell you about this. Was a yellow flag, a proceed with caution, but still potentially possibly proceed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
I think you should let the pigs pay you. Before you start letting the pigs pay you, you need to do a quick how comfortable with any small degree of risk are you? I don't think the risk is financial. I don't think somebody's going to be able to reverse engineer or engage in a low forensic accounting and find their way to your bank account and steal all your money.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
I think the risk here is some entanglement, somebody insinuating themselves into your life, not your real life, but kind of into your online life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Out of that number, 3 billion men and 3 billion women are over the age of 18, which means bi guys who want to partner with women, straight or otherwise, have 20% of 3 billion women to choose from. That's 600 million women. to choose from and be chosen by, which is just as important. Gay men? We make do with 2% of the 3 billion men there are out there to choose from. That's 60 million men.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And you winding up feeling like you owe them something or they attempt to leverage the money you've given into convincing you you owe them something else, something more, something you're not comfortable sharing with them like pics or paying a lot of attention to them or swapping a lot of text messages with them about each and every cash payment that they send you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Be clear with any guy who you're going to let be your pay pig what the exchange there is. Because it is an exchange. There's goods and services. What are they seeking out? What kind of service do they want from you? There are some people out there who are fin subs who just enjoy the rush of sending money to someone who pays no attention to them at all.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Most fin subs want some attention to be paid to them, some form of attention. Maybe they want to get a couple of photos. Maybe they want to get, some abusive or degrading text messages from you, or maybe they just want the occasional thank you and the occasional exchange of mild pleasantries with this tinge of financial submission.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
There's lots of different ways Fin subs get off and function online, and that's where you need to think about what you're comfortable with and how susceptible you might be to guilt trips and I think is really what you need to focus on as you assess your comfort with the risks here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Because I think that's the real risk, that you will wind up feeling pressured or feeling obligated to do for these men, in exchange for these contributions, things that when you first agreed to accept them, you weren't down with or hadn't even thought of. All right, time for listener feedback.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says Lee Silva, I felt so angry listening to the woman talking about lube on your last show. I have needed lube every time. I've had sex since my first child was born. when I was 23. I just don't create enough lubrication myself for clitoral stimulation, which is what I need to orgasm.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
There is nothing wrong with lube. I am definitely not nervous or scared of having sex. We do a ton of foreplay. My husband and I have absolutely amazing sex. Stop stigmatizing lube, caller. There's nothing wrong with it. Says in Contempo about the same call, lube, lube, lube, caller. should keep in mind that sometimes mental arousal doesn't correspond with physical arousal, especially with women.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
I can be wet and not mentally aroused. I can be horny as balls and still not wet. Lube is necessary for normal, healthy vagina-havers who want sex but their bodies haven't caught up to the fact. It's called arousal non-concordance.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Says Beatrice, for the caller who's struggling with premature ejaculation during hookups but not with his long-term partner, as well as the SSRIs taken daily, as Dan mentioned, there are also short-acting SSRIs you can take on demand. So it's worth talking to your doctor about.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And finally, one of our superstar comments, Venomenon, gonna call you Ven for short, mentioned that his father was dying in a comment in which he took me to task for a heteronormative response to a question about threesomes. I just wanted to say, point taken, Ven, on the heteronormativity thing, but more importantly... You and your family are in my thoughts.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
My husband lost his dad around the holidays, and losing a parent, losing any loved one during the holidays makes something that's already impossibly hard, the death of a loved one, even harder. I hope your dad has a peaceful death. I hope his memory brightens your holidays in the future, as the memory of Terry's father at the holidays now always brightens ours.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
This week's intro goes out to my bye guys. I have a special holiday message for you. Something I want you to carry into 2025. Buck the fuck up you guys for fuck's sake. All right, let me back up. Let me explain. I got online on Christmas Eve for just a minute, a single minute. I am not addicted. Getting online doesn't mean what it used to.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
All right, for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at savage.love. We're taking a break from Struggle Session over the holidays. Struggle Session returns January 9th. And now everyone's favorite part of the show, mine included, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and my listeners get the last word. Last word on this show in 2024.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And we do all right. We do fine. The gay bars are full. The circuit parties sell out. The gay cruises are packed. There are gay men out there getting gay married every gay day. My bye guys. If I could manage to find two men who will put up with my shit in the 2% I had to choose from, you can find one woman who'll put up with your shit in the 20% you have to choose from.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways to get us your questions and comments for future shows. You can record and upload your question directly onto our website at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline like it's 1999 and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
beast of the ass merch on sale now at savage.love slash shop and while i make a pretty mean bundt cake i'm all baked out after christmas so i ordered myself a delicious bundt cake from sissycakes.com gift magnum subscriptions are still half off until midnight tonight december 31st not too late to give somebody the gift of the love cast and while you're online buying things swing by hump
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
film fest.com there's an amazing new slate of films coming up for the 20th anniversary hump film festival in 2025 check out that new lineup and get your tickets to see hump as it was meant to be seen in a theater at hump film fest.com magnum subs check your email for 20 off hump tickets now you're going to get a promo code emailed directly to you valid through midnight tonight follow me on instagram and threads at dan savage follow me at blue sky at dan savage
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Follow Tani Lara, the Sober Sexpert, on Instagram and threads at TaniMLara. Learn more about her book, her classes, and order her sobriety deck or read her essays at TaniLara.com. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hertunian. And me and Nancy and the tech savvy at Risk Youth, we will all be back at you for our installment of the Lovecast. Have a happy new year, everybody.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And if you're biromantic, if you're open to dating men, which not all of you are, and that is fine. Heteroromantic bi guys are valid bi guys. But if you are open to dating men, you're more than welcome to look for a partner in the 2% of men who are gay and the 0.9% of men who are bi. And hey, we gay guys, we do all right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Even though the pool from which gay men draw our potential partners shrinks at twice the rate yours does. Every time a gay couple gets its wings, two men are removed from our much smaller pool. 60 million. That's the population of France. When a man partners with a woman, only one woman is removed from your much bigger potential pool of opposite sex partners.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
450 million population of the entire EU. Toss in a couple of bonus extra Frances and you get 600 million. Your odds are literally 10 times better than the average gay man's. And do you hear us complaining? No, you do not. Because we are too busy choking on dick to complain. Our mamas raised us right. We are gentlemen. Gentlemen don't talk with their mouths full. Finally, bi guys.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Again, hashtag not all bi guys, the bi guys who were complaining online on Christmas Eve about the women who won't date them instead of asking out the women who will. A lot of you aren't out yet. Most of the people who've come out as bisexual in the last 15, 20 years and goosed those numbers of people who identify as queer are bi women. Great, please, more, more bi people come out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
But according to Lewis Oakley, only 12% of bisexual guys as of 2022 are out. Your chances of meeting one of the 20%, one of the 600 million out there who want to date you explodes once you come out of the closet. Just like my odds of meeting gay guys who wanted to date me exploded once I came out of the closet. Trust me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
There are women out there who want to suck your cock and want to suck cock with you. Get off the internet. Get out of the closet. Go find one. All right. Two other quick things before we start this week's show. First, a correction. The Valentine's Day mascot is Cupid, not St. Valentine, as I said at the top of last week's show. No cute name. Wrote in to correct me. Thank you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
No cute name for that correction. And... Speaking of mascots and holidays, of course, I was talking about Feast of the Ass and Buddy, the Feast of the Ass donkey. You have 14 shopping days left until January 14th. The Feast of the Ass. Get your Feast of the Ass hats and t-shirts at savage.love slash shop now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And your traditional Feast of the Ass glazed Bundt cake at our unofficial, they have no affiliation with us, they don't even know we're doing this, your unofficial Feast of the Ass Bundt cake at sissycakes.com. And to the person who wrote in to ask, Wrote in a little butthurt, actually, to ask if Feast of the Ass was just for people who like to eat ass.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
No, it's for everyone who likes and appreciates ass however you like and appreciate it. For medieval peasants, a feast day was a celebration. And on Feast of the Ass, medieval peasants celebrated not just the donkey that Mary and Jesus fled into Egypt on the back of, but all donkeys, including the donkeys in their lives who...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
I don't want to date myself here, but I'm old enough to remember when getting online meant leaving the room, sitting in front of a giant computer that took up most of your desk, and then this blasted from your computer speakers. And that announced to everyone in the house, announced to everyone in the fucking neighborhood, that you were getting online and probably about to masturbate.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
lightened their load, who helped them with the peasanting and the farming and the making of wheat or whatever the fuck they were doing for their feudal lords. So you on Feast of the Ass can celebrate the ass in your life however you enjoy or use or ride the asses in your life. Feast of the Ass is for everybody, not just for ass eaters.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
All right, coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me on the Magnum, Tawny Lara is back. Tawny Lara, the sober sexpert. We talk about partying sober on New Year's Eve, what dry January is and why you might want to give it a try, and what damp January is, which I had never heard of until Tawny told me about it this week.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
That's on the Magnum that you can subscribe to at savage.love. And micro listeners, check out your feeds this Friday for another bit of bonus content. All right, let's get this end of the year, end of 2024 sex and relationship advice party started.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
In grade school, in second grade, when the bully would say, meet me in the playground after school because I'm going to beat the shit out of you, a really good strategy to avoid getting the shit beat out of you was not to show up in the playground after school so the bully could beat the shit out of you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Nowadays, getting online just means taking a quick peek at your phone while you're maybe standing in the kitchen waiting for the cream in the mixer to turn into whipped cream so you can serve it with dessert. So I don't have a problem. I just quickly glanced at a social media platform to pass the time while I was making whipped cream.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
How many times, how many ways does this woman have to punch you in the feelings, punch you in the face before you stop showing up in her playground to get punched in the fucking face? One of the problems with normie monogamous people in the Bay Area and everywhere else is that they will trump up the slightest transgression as an excuse to end a relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
This whole thing about micro infidelities and micro cheating where they liked somebody else's dirty pic on Instagram and so the relationship is over. Monogamous people are sometimes really too quick to end things for bullshit reasons. Polly people? Polly people sometimes refuse to end things that need to end for so many perfectly obvious reasons and in a way appalling transgression.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
There are names for some of this shit that your girlfriend is doing or this woman is doing to you that I'm sure is a Polly person in his late 30s in the Bay Area you are familiar with like breadcrumbing and love bombing and She's not a good person and she's okay. Maybe she's a good person, but she's not good for or good to you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
The minute she told you that you were boring and annoying and then added, she feels that way about anybody. She's been fucking for a couple of years. That was your sign to end the relationship. That was her telling you that, that it was over.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
And yet for some reason, maybe because she identifies as Polly, maybe because like some Polly people, she thinks if any relationship she's in ever ends, it means she's not as good at magic Polly powers as other magic Polly people are. She won't end it herself. And she just keeps upping the ante of the mistreatment and the relation shifting and will continue to do so until you finally realize
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
Pick your dignity up off the ground and fucking end it yourself. Leave. Leave or stop showing the fuck up in the playground after school for this bully. And some bully people fucking are bullied to punch you in the fucking face. 37-year-old, heteroflexible dude in the Bay Area, you have options. And you have not failed at being a magic poly person yourself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
If a relationship you're in runs its course, it ends or it has to end. And this one has to fucking end. She's tried to end it in a million ways, but she's one of those people who will not end it herself. She just makes herself intolerable. until your hand is forced. If you won't force your hand, I'm going to get on a plane and come to San Francisco. I'm going to force your hand myself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
A social media platform I no longer post on, but where I do still lurk. And there I encountered discourse. A bunch of bi guys got online on Christmas Eve to complain about the women, the straight women, who won't date them because they're bi. And I was distracted. I got sucked into the discourse and overwhipped the cream and had to throw it away and start over. So maybe indeed I do have a problem.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 948
You need to break the fuck up with this woman. You know, you don't even have to break up with her. You don't have to have the conversation. You don't have to send her a text. Just stop showing up in the playground. It's not the same thing as ghosting. I promise you, she will not reach out to you when she stops hearing from you. She hasn't wanted to hear from you for a long time. Stop showing up.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
State legislatures, we are not sending our best. And when a stupid bill like this one gets introduced by a Republican, it generates a lot of news coverage. The idiot who introduced it gets to claim they're being attacked by the lamestream media. They raise a lot of money.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Just so I follow... If he had told you that he was dating other women, fucking other women, it would have been fine because you're open and poly, you're still on field. Presumably you're still on field because you're allowed to pursue other sexual encounters or date other people concurrently while you're dating this guy. But he kept reassuring you that he wasn't dating anybody else.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
He didn't update his still active profile on dating apps to include any... No acknowledgement of you, no picture of you, no interrelationship at Open and Polly. And so why? Why would he lie? Why did he lie when he didn't need to lie? Why would he lie to you when he didn't need to lie to you? I don't know.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
And the people targeted by the bill out there reading stories about it, in this case, people who make or consume pornography, and that means pretty much everyone winds up feeling anxious. Now, bills designed to attract media attention aren't just a right-wing thing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
There are some people out there who sex is hotter if it's forbidden, if they're doing something wrong, if they're getting away with something. Being with someone like that when you want to be open and transparent can be fucking exhausting. And you're not going to get the truth. You're not going to get asked for permission from someone who's
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Erotics are really tied to someone whose erotic imagination is really wrapped up in being naughty and getting away with things and transgressions. And who does somebody like that want to transgress against most? Well, often the romantic partner. that they've made certain commitments to or given certain assurances.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
That's the easiest reach for this kind of sexual erotic transgression, this kind of violation. So... yeah, you have boundaries. Don't lie to me. Don't fuck around. Don't hurt my feelings. And he lied to you about fucking around and he was fucking around and fucking around may have been okay, but that hurts your fucking feelings.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Well, you might have to enforce your boundaries and break the fuck up with this guy. This does seem to me to rise to DTMFA territory. I would break up with him. if I were fucking this guy for those reasons.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
I wouldn't feel safe with this guy, particularly if he was doing sexually risky things with other people and moving through the world being the kind of asshole who winds up on, are we dating the same guy over and over and over again? You got to ask yourself, what's in this for you? Is this a problem for you?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Or is this something that you can retcon, that you can retroactively give him permission to do? Are you okay with being deceived like this? Is that what you've learned about yourself, having been deceived like this? You put down a marker, you set a boundary, you're not enforcing it. The dick must be amazing. Maybe that's why you're not enforcing it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Or maybe you're not enforcing it because you don't want to, because you want to move that boundary, move that goalpost for your own reasons. I don't know. I don't know. But if what you need is permission to break up with this guy for fucking around, lying to you and hurting your feelings. Yeah, absolutely. You have permission. to break up with this guy for those reasons.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
And if for your own reasons you still want to go on this vacation, you're already on this vacation, if for your own reasons you still want to go on this vacation, have one last raw, jump on his dick one or two more times, and then break the fuck up with him when you get home, that's kind of a lie.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
You're misrepresenting your interests or intentions by going on this vacation, or you have already misrepresented your interests and long-term intentions by going on this vacation. But considering that he was a shitheel first, I wouldn't blame you. I wouldn't blame you at all. So enjoy the vacation. Enjoy the dick. Dump the motherfucker. I'm already winning it back.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Bradford Blackman, a Democratic state legislator in Mississippi, introduced a bill last week called the Contraception Begins at Erection Act. This bill would, if passed, make it a crime in Mississippi for a man to, quote, discharge genetic material without intent to fertilize an embryo. Quick technical point, sperm fertilizes eggs, doesn't fertilize embryos, but point taken.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
This episode is brought to you by Field. It seems like so many of my listeners are talking about and using Field these days and with good reason. Field lets you have control of your matches, not some creepy algorithm. Field is an app where curious people come to connect. On Field, you have the breathing room to explore your own desires. free from gatekeeping. Here's what that looks like.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
You decide who and what you like. Sifting through an avalanche of likes is exhausting. On field, you can filter your likes based on preferences like sexuality, desires, gender, and age. which makes it so much easier to cut straight to the likes from like-minded people. No algorithmic gatekeeping on Field. The only person who can determine what you like is you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
To honor the complexity of human desire, Field presents you with all options and leaves you in control of your experience. No pressure to swipe. If you happen to skip someone's profile, you can always ask to go back or undo your dislike at no extra cost. and you can bring your people along.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Field's new constellation features lets you link profiles with your friends and lovers, so new connections will see who you are within your social context. Start a group chat and find your people with your people. There's no limit to how many times you can change your sexuality, desires, interests, or gender identity at Field.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
In fact, 62% of Field members evolved their sexuality, interests, and desires within their first year on the app. Whether you just moved to a new city and need to find a new community, or you're traveling and looking to meet new people, you can find a new bestie at Field. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
If you've been wondering about Field because you've heard so much about Field on this show from callers, not just from hosts, I, Dan Savage, recommend that you finally give Field a try yourself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
The big difference, however, between Dusty Deaver's proposed law criminalizing porn and Bradford Blackman's proposed law criminalizing most of the orgasms men have most of the time is that Deaver's actually wants to send people to prison and Blackman just wants people to think.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Maybe exploring tantra is the problem. What little I know about tantric sex techniques, all about delaying orgasms, decentering orgasms, or sublimating genital orgasms and having orgasms in your calves or whatever. So maybe it's tantra. What I'm trying to suggest here by,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
ragging on Tantra a little bit, love you all you Tantra practitioners, just joking, is that you may be experiencing something that's just a coincidence and you're reading into it causation. You are careening into your mid-40s and it is true that you will become perhaps, as many men do, a little less sensitive as you age and orgasms may be a
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
attributing meaning or causation to the fact that the last few orgasms, last few relationships you were in, we had a hard time achieving orgasm to the fact that these women had given birth and maybe there was less friction or maybe it's you, maybe it's your dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
I'm really concerned though about the conversations you had with these women who walked away from these conversations feeling like their bodies had failed you rather than you doing what anybody should do in a Even if it's true that something about the other person's body isn't hitting your dick in just the right way, you don't have to tell them that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
You just tell them that sometimes, you know, you have to use your own hand to finish. And... Just like you can say, just like a lot of women need to, you know, can't come during PIV alone, need direct intense clitoral stimulation, sometimes more intense than a finger or tongue can provide or the bank shot stimulation that PIV provides to many women. And I need to...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
jacket to get myself there at the end. And it's not about you. I'm loving this. This is so hot, but I'm going to finish myself up. This is why I think all straight people should watch a ton of gay porn at some point in their lives, because all these straight people out there are like, oh, we're having PIV and she's not coming. I'm like, watch gay porn.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Well, you will see the bottom and the top come simultaneously because
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
the bottom is stroking his dick and timing it with the top they're talking to each other about whether they're both close and getting close and they'll come together and you'll also see a ton of people who in gay porn where the guy pulls out near the end and jacks off and finishes and everybody's delighted because that's sex and good sex and it just might be like how their dicks work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
And this could just be how your dick works. And I think you need to err on the side of framing it that way. When you're with somebody where you're not getting there, you just need to say like, I need usually to get myself at least jacked off at some point, really enjoying it. I can fuck you. You know, you can use your vibrator. We can use our fingers. You can have as many orgasms as you want.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
As Blackmun said when he introduced this legislation, you have male-dominated legislatures in Mississippi and all over the country that pass laws that dictate what a woman can and cannot do with her body. When a bill has been filed that would regulate what a man is able to do with his own body, it suddenly has people in an uproar. Blackmun wanted an uproar, he got an uproar, and he's done.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
My dick is reliable. I'm not going to come too soon. But then in the end, I'm going to like have to give myself a few strokes. You can also do the orgasmic inevitability trick where you pull out And you stroke yourself to the point of orgasmic inevitability.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
You get onto that OI plateau and then you dive the fuck back in and have your orgasm inside that other person if that's important to them that you have that orgasm inside that other person. You mention how your last couple of relationships were with women close to your age who were mothers, had given birth.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
You don't mention whether you've slept with anybody recently or concurrently with those women who hadn't given birth and you hadn't had this problem with. So if you haven't had this problem with other women, yeah, maybe there was something about Them, their bodies, the way they were hitting you could have been related to them having given birth, could have just been a random thing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
But if you've had this problem or you experienced this problem going forward with other women, a random sample of women who have given birth and haven't given birth, it's your dick. That's not the problem. I don't want to even frame this as a problem. This is how your dick works now that you're in your 40s. And that's how you present it. That's how you talk about it with your sex partners.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
If you have to pull out and jack off to finish and come, you don't then say to her, you ever have any kids? You don't go on a mission to figure out what the problem might be and whether it might be her problem. It's your dick. It's always a you problem, how you come, what you need to get off there at the end.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
And any woman, you know, when somebody feels like, oh, it must be me or I'm not turning you on. You just have to say to them, it's not you. Look how hard my fucking dick is. Look how long my dick has been hard. You turn me on. This is great. I'm enjoying this. This is just how my dick works. works and you should be here for how my dick works.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Just like I'm here for how your pussy works, whatever you need to have your orgasm and get off, whether you want PIB during that or oral sex or using toys or vibrators, we're going to make your orgasm happen and together we're going to make my orgasm happen too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
And us having to use a vibrator with you doesn't mean you're not into it or attracted to me and me having to use my own right hand or left hand, For 30 seconds as we near the end, doesn't mean I'm less attracted or not attracted to you. Valentine's Day is almost here. And if you want to knock it out of the park this year, I suggest you head on over to liberator.com right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
For over two decades, Liberator has been revolutionizing intimacy with their premium sex positioning pillows, shapes, and furniture. All designed to bring comfort, deeper connection, and endless possibilities. From the iconic wedge ramp combo to the luxurious super veal wood sex chaise lounge, Liberator has something for every couple, every thruple, every dungeon, and every play party.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
We've all been there. We've all been having sex with somebody and you want to angle their hips just so or you want your hips angled just so. And what do you do? You fold a pillow in half or you shove a wadded up comforter under your hips or their hips and it slides out because it's not designed for it. It's not particularly comfortable.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
That's where the Wedge Ramp Combo and other Liberator products come. Come in. They are designed to support your body weight, the body weight of your lovers. They are designed to help you hit it the way you want to hit it or get hit the way you want to be hit. Made in America with sustainable manufacturing and top quality materials. Their products are built to last and designed to delight.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
For our listeners, Liberator is offering an exclusive 10% off site-wide. This is on top of all the sales they have going on right now, so you will get up to 35% off at liberator.com right now in time for Valentine's Day. What a deal. Just use promo code SAVAGE at checkout for that extra 10% off.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Make this Valentine's Day one you will remember every year by investing in quality Liberator products that you will be using not just on Valentine's Day, but on regular days all year long and next Valentine's Day. Visit Liberator.com. Use promo code SAVAGE.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Given the makeup of Oklahoma State legislature, Republican governor, Republican super majorities in both houses, actually super duper majorities, overwhelming Republican majorities in the Oklahoma State House and Senate, and given the fact that banning pornography was a part of Project 2025, you know, Project 2025, the plan crafted by the Heritage Foundation for a second Trump administration that candidate Trump said he knew nothing about, and political fact-checkers accused Dems of being liars when they tried to tie Project 2025 to Trump,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Like the previous caller, it could be that your body has changed, that there have been physical changes as you've aged. But rather than just kind of rolling with that for now, and you can come. You can come with a vibrator. You still are orgasmic. You are capable of achieving orgasms.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
But rather than just accept that maybe like your body is changing and what you need to hit it with is a little different now as you get a little older, you're looking for something external that's changed, a change of circumstance that would explain away this physical change that could be permanent and you may just have to roll with or could be temporary. But I do think there's something to...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
your fantasy life, to what your erotic imagination was doing, the boost that was giving you when your partner, your previous partner, when you were not poly, when you were in what I assume to be a closed, at that time, a closed monogamous relationship. And you would fantasize about your partner getting with somebody else and that would carry the ball the last 10 yards.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
There you go, everybody's sports metaphor. And you would come and And now you can't – that go-to fantasy doesn't work as well for you anymore because you're in poly relationships now and your partners have partners. So what does that mean?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
That means when you were fantasizing about that partner you had a monogamous commitment with, when you thought about them with somebody else, it was a violation. It was a transgression. Even if it's no longer a violation or a transgression for your poly partners, your other partners to have other partners to come in or on other women –
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
okay, how do you get back what's at the core of that cut queen fantasy of yours, which was the transgressiveness of it, the violation of it, the betrayal of it? How do you pick out of the cut queen fantasies, these deeper themes, or how do you tap into those deeper themes and currents that really your cut queen fantasy was born along by, floated around on top of? Okay, so I think
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
What arouses a lot of cuckolds about cuckolding when they're in cuckold relationships where the person can sleep with other people is the imbalance of it all, the unfairness of it all.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
What is it that your partners now, your dominant partner, your other partners, what is it that they could be allowed to do or get away with that you could make an agreement with them that you were not allowed to do and that brought to those relationships and these sexual interactions, something that you could fantasize about or even talk about with your partner while they're going down on you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Like people don't talk with their mouth full, but they can take a breath every once in a while. What is it that they could be allowed that you're not allowed?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
After he disavowed it during the campaign and now Trump, back in office, has spent his first week signing executive orders lifted directly from Project 2025. You know, that Project 2025.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Because when you think about a cuckold relationship and eroticized cheating and eroticized infidelity or a one-sided open relationship as the meanest cuckold risk describes them, there is an imbalance, there is an unfairness, there's betrayal, but it's allowed and yet it still is arousing. Okay, so What could your current crop of lovers be allowed to do that you yourself are not allowed to do?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
I'm trying to think of an example of what it might be, but it really depends on the dynamics of your relationships and the sex that you enjoy with your partners. And if you can... Find something that vibes with that cut queen fantasy, the violation of the cut queen fantasy, the violation of the monogamous commitment that those fantasies represented.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
You might be able to get there again, just through oral and just through dirty talk or closing your eyes and thinking those dirty thoughts again. If this isn't a physical change tied to age where you're a little more dependent now and the kind of stimulation that a vibrator provides you and that a tongue doesn't have the beats per minute to provide you with anymore.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Our bodies change as we get older. We have to roll with them. We can eternally grieve what we've lost or we can move into the new ways and explore the new ways and be motivated to find new things that work for us, explore new avenues of pleasure, new kinds of stimulation. The falling away of some things that worked for us just because our bodies were just so…
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Keyed up and easily aroused, the falling away of some of those things can be very motivating. And then what you end up is finding a whole bunch of new things that you wouldn't have been motivated to explore or try a decade ago. And you're exploring and trying now. This may just be how your body works from here on out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
You may be able to tap into your cut queen fantasies again by peeling back the cut queen layer and seeing what emotional dynamics and erotic dynamics were underneath the cut queen veneer. But whatever. Enjoy. And stop saying, I can't come. You don't want to create a kind of weird feedback loop self-fulfilling prophecy by repeating that horrible phrase over and over and over again. You can come.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
As Andrew Ivine pointed out on Mashable, Project 2025, the conservative policy wish list for Trump's second term, calls for exactly what Deaver's bill proposes, quote, a ban on pornography and the imprisonment of its creators. So while I would bet against this bill becoming law, I wouldn't bet a lot of money. And I think a law like it is bound to pass at some point and soon.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
You do come with your partners. and a vibrator. That's coming. That counts. Alrighty, time for listener feedback. First up, I'm going to read some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says superstar commenter by Dan Fan, on the idea that it is always the husband who initiates cuckolding or hot wifing, and has to talk the wife into it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
I am not sure that's the case. It certainly doesn't jibe with Doc Chocolate's observation about how many women want gangbangs. I think women feel that they need to put on a show of saying they aren't interested at first. I hope you're right about that, Byte Dan fan.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
But talking to cuckolds and hotwives and cuckoldresses over the years, very rare to hear from a couple where it was the wife's idea and the husband had feelings or hesitated or balked, almost always the other way around. Says first time, but hopefully not last time, commenter Black David, as a black cis het male, I felt Doc Chocolate was a bit evasive when Dan pressed the issue of race play.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Walking home from the pot shop in my neighborhood the other day, doing two things at once, eating an edible and doom scrolling as I wandered into traffic. I suddenly felt like reading what I was reading pretty soon. I'm going to be living in a country where no one goes to prison for possessing marijuana anymore, but people go to prison for possessing pornography.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
I've been approached by white couples looking for a bull and have been incredibly turned off by it. I find a lot of these couples have extremely problematic views of black men and most have right leaning politics.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
I obviously don't speak for all black men, but I just find the whole queen slash bull situation to be incredibly fraught with problematic people that I would never feel comfortable in bed with. Says Happy Hubby, also about my interview with Doc Chocolate, we've always been uncomfortable with the term BBC, which can be reductive and objectifying. We think of it in terms of BGE, Black Guy Energy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
It's a different vibe than the nerdy white guy energy I bring, and the juxtaposition is an exciting difference.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
There are a lot more comments, tons of great, helpful, insightful, interesting comments on last week's show, including a lot of great advice for the caller who is losing his hair, a big debate about autism, self-diagnosed or otherwise, and when and how it's best to meet a new partner's kids from a previous relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
I want to thank, just take a minute to thank all the commenters at savage.love. You guys prove every week that savage.love is the one place on the internet where you should read the comments. For more listener feedback and my response to listener comments and reader comments, be sure to check out Struggle Session, which you can find every Thursday at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Just go click on column and it'll be right there. And now everyone's favorite part of the show. Mine included the part where I shut my big gay mouth and my listeners get the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Speaking of laws I oppose and porn, last week the Supreme Court heard arguments in Free Speech Coalition v. Paxton, which is a challenge to a Texas state law requiring porn websites to verify the ages of people who log on to get off. More than a dozen states have passed age verification laws and Pornhub has blocked people in most of those states from accessing their sites.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
And we're going to leave it there. To get us a question or a comment for a future show, go to savage.love.com. Or you can make a voice memo and email it to us at q.savage.love. Or you can call us at 206-302-2064 and leave us a message on our answering machine. Hump 2025 kicks off the 20th anniversary. Hump Film Festival kicks off in just three weeks. Tickets are going fast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Get your tickets now for shows, the premier shows in Seattle, San Francisco, and Portland. I will be hosting screenings in SF and Seattle. And to mark Hump's 20th anniversary, we are throwing opening night and closing night parties in each of those cities. Come out and watch this incredible new lineup of films and celebrate with us Hump Turning 2025.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
get tickets and all the info you need at humpfilmfest.com follow me on instagram and threads at dan savage follow me at blue sky where i am most active these days at dan savage follow dr kelly coin on instagram and threads at kelly underscore coin spelled c-o-y-n-e and learn more about her work at our website kellycoin.com
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at-risk youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week with another installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for tuning in.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
David French, he's an opinion columnist for the New York Times, the left's favorite right-wing evangelical Christian, argues that these age verification laws are a good thing. At first glance, the law is simple common sense. As Texas noted, all 50 states bar minors from purchasing pornography. French wrote in a column titled, Texas has a point about online pornography.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Back to French, offline identification requirements are common. Showing a driver's license to enter a strip club is routine. I'm old enough to remember when it wasn't a pot shop on the corner I might have walked to, but a porn shop. And yeah, you had to show ID to enter. Whenever age verification laws like this come up, I find myself feeling torn. My mind goes to Billie Eilish.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
who encountered, as they say, encountered hardcore porn when she was only 11 years old. And it negatively shaped her expectations about sex and resulted in her having some really miserably bad first sexual experiences. I wish Eilish hadn't encountered the porn that she did when she did.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
And maybe effective age verification systems, not statutes, not state laws, but systems would have protected her. I think about some of the porn I've seen, and yeah, I don't want 11-year-old kids to see some of the porn I've seen. I wouldn't have been ready to see that at 11.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
that age verification laws in Texas and other states are a lot like proposed laws criminalizing porn in Oklahoma and other states, dangerously broad. As the Electronic Frontier Foundation pointed out about the law in Texas and others, the laws claim to target pornographic materials, but wind up targeting by design LGBT content, pornographic or not, and mostly not.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
We live in a culture where no one believes that acknowledging the existence of heterosexuals – straight people, straight marriages, straight kids, straight romance – means you're explicitly talking about the mechanics of heterosexual sex. Because we all, all of us, understand that heterosexuality is about more than sex.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
But a great many Americans, often elected officials, believe that acknowledging the existence of gay people – gay marriage, gay sex, gay kids, gay romance – amounts to talking explicitly about anal sex.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
I'm hoping the Supreme Court strikes these laws down in their current iterations as they're too vague and leave too much discretion to prosecutors and have resulted in self-censorship by media companies, particularly, again, of LGBT content. This hope that we will get a reasonable ruling on these laws out of this particular Supreme Court
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
is one I only entertain after I've visited my local pot shop. All right, finally, before we get to the show, quick note.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
After Diana Adams of the Chosen Family Law Center came on the show back in November to urge trans and non-binary listeners to get their government documents in order with their correct gender markers, a small handful of people reached out to me to say that I was being alarmist, and so was Diana.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
That's the plan in Oklahoma where Republican state Senator Dusty Devers, which is a porn name. If I ever heard one Republican state Senator Dusty Devers introduced a bill the day after Trump was sworn into office or back into office and that would put anyone who produces, distributes, or possesses pornography in prison for 10 years.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
And then the first thing Marco Rubio did after being sworn in as Trump's Secretary of State was suspend passport applications for anyone seeking to change their sex marker. So Diana was right to raise the alarm. And I hope the trans and non-binary people out there who listened to that show took Diana's advice and got their passports updated while they still could. And not to be alarmist...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
But when countries have persecuted a small minority of their citizens while at the same time making it harder or impossible for members of that minority to travel abroad to escape persecution, almost always a bad sign of the direction in which that country is headed. All right, everybody, sorry about the downbeat opening this week.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
I will keep my eyes peeled for a fun and juicy sex scandal to open next week's show with, I promise.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
All right, coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me on the magnum that you can subscribe to at savage.love, cultural historian Dr. Kelly Coyne joins me for a conversation about all the different creative ways people are arranging their lives these days, their domestic situations, their domestic arrangements, and how, as usual, the gaze paved the way.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
All right, let's get to that first call. This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it. This episode is sponsored by HIMSS. Affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at himss.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
This episode is brought to you by Liberator, makers of premium sex positioning pillows, shapes, and furniture for sex. Use code savage at liberator.com to save an extra 10% and make this Valentine's Day epic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, well, there's nothing you can't do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
The legislation also includes prison terms of up to 30 years for anyone found guilty of quote-unquote porn trafficking, which the bill does not define. which is a problem. As the New Republic pointed out a few years back, trafficking is less a clear-cut crime than a call to moral panic. There's no legal definition of trafficking. Trafficking means whatever a cop or a prosecutor wants it to mean.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
All right, what I'm supposed to say, am I cheating on my wife? You asked me, am I cheating on my wife? And I'm supposed to tell you, only your wife can answer this question. Go ask your wife if you're cheating on your wife when you get into these one-on-one sessions with cam girls that you spend a couple of grand a year enjoying. So now I've said that. That's my official position.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Only your wife could tell you whether she would regard this as cheating. And cheating in the context of a committed relationship is something that only those two people can define together. Different couples have different definitions of cheating. I want to complicate that with you are entitled to a zone of erotic autonomy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
And when Esther Perel talks about the burden of knowing when it comes to actual affairs, she cautions people about the damage it can do to your relationship to the unburden yourself of the guilt, to relieve yourself of the guilt by telling your partner absolutely everything, including things they might not want to know. And once you tell them, won't be able to unknow.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
And I think the fact that your wife, you and your wife both have created time and space in your relationships where she masturbates, you have a low sex relationship, but she enjoys masturbation, you enjoy masturbation, you don't give each other grief about that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
There's no resentment curdling the relationship because we haven't had sex for a couple of weeks and you just went off and had a wank that your wife... while not having specifically consented to this exact kind of behavior, has acknowledged that this is whatever you do when you're alone and masturbating is your private time, private space, that you are when you close that door and she's in her...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
home office working and you're in the bedroom masturbating, that you have entered that zone of erotic autonomy that she respects. She has signaled and telegraphed to you that she respects your erotic autonomy during wank time as you respect hers during wank time. And you are therefore not obligated to share with her details that might be a burden to her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
And the fact that she knows that you watch cam girls sometimes when you masturbate and she may assume that you are one of dozens or hundreds or thousands of men watching a particular cam girl as she is online live masturbating. When in reality, every once in a while, occasionally there's an audience of one to get into that kind of fine grained detail.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Maybe she just doesn't want to know the fact that she hasn't interrogated you about this. Maybe a signal that. Not that she wouldn't be bothered by this if she knew, but that she doesn't want to know things that potentially she might be bothered by. So are you cheating on your wife? I don't know. Maybe.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Maybe your wife would feel like this was approaching infidelity, especially if you have ongoing connections with some of these girls where they're happy to see you and you're happy to see them. Maybe that would approach a kind of porn-enabled, internet-enabled emotional infidelity that she wouldn't be comfortable with. So don't tell her about it. Don't tell her about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
So in Oklahoma, porn trafficking could mean anything from transporting someone across state lines to appear in porn against their will to flying into Will Rogers Airport in Oklahoma City with nude pictures of your wife on your phone. It'll be up to the cops in Oklahoma. Lots of stupid bills get introduced by random state senators and state house members all across the country every year.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Take the yes that you've been given, that yes, you are entitled to the zone of erotic autonomy, and I am not going to interrogate you about what goes on in that room when you're sitting in front of your computer with your dick in your hand having a wank. Your wife has signaled to you that she doesn't want to know. Don't fuck it up by telling her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 952
Don't fuck up your relationship by telling her something that she has already, you know, the vague outlines of. And if she was curious or wanted that outline filled in, she would ask and she hasn't asked. Don't tell. This goes out to my fellow men. Life is pretty stressful and it's getting stressier all the time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
But you gotta bring a knife to a knife fight. You don't unilaterally disarm. You say, hey, this is a terrible thing when you do it to us or when we do it to you, so how about we stop doing it to each other? I would also probably do some self-indulgent shit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Not all women can have multiple orgasms. Not all women who can have multiple orgasms report having had multiple orgasms at their last or during their last sexual experience, their most recent sexual experience. Only 15-ish percent, according to the study I'm looking at right now, of women who can have multiple orgasms had multiples during the last sexual experience they enjoyed multiple
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
when they did have an orgasm, when they climaxed, but just climaxed once during their last sexual experience. So just knowing that for some women, not all women, for some women, multiple orgasms during a sexual encounter is... they regard personally and subjectively as the best sex or a peak sexual experience.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
You're extrapolating from hearing about that from one woman who experiences multiple orgasms in that way and projecting it onto all women everywhere and assuming that all women everywhere feel exactly the same way that they want to come and they don't want to come just once. And if they don't come a million times during a single sexual encounter, it wasn't,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
best sex they ever had that's a really weird standard you don't have the best sex you ever had every single time you have sex you want good sex you want rewarding sex, intimate sex, connected sex every time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
But sometimes you do have maintenance sex or just calm and chill sex where you're connecting with your partner, but it's not swinging from the chandeliers by your ankles and your eyes are crossed afterwards. And you don't want it to be that every single time because that's physically and emotionally taxing in ways that can work as a disincentive to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
have regular, maintainable, sustainable sexual intimacy in the context of a committed, ongoing relationship. If you put yourself under this pressure, every time you have sex, it has to be fireworks and best sex ever again. How can you do that? How can you sustain that in a relationship? If each time you have sex progressively...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
The next time you have sex, you have to outdo the previous time you had sex. Some sort of like mad orgasmic arms race that you are not going to win. Look, you set up a kind of false choice for yourself that you're not there to enjoy sex. You are there to perform and do well as if it isn't possible for a person to walk and chew that gum.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I would buy the castle in the small village where my boyfriend grew up, which has a tower and a great hall and a chapel and a dungeon and everything. And an island. I would probably buy an island, but in Greece. Here's the thing, though. I don't think anybody should be a billionaire, not even me. The existence of a fortune like that. is evidence of a crime having been committed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
At the same time, you can be there to enjoy the sex that you're having and to take your pleasure from someone. A lot of people really enjoy, really get off on the sense that you're They're not just receiving pleasure from this person, but this person that they're with is taking their pleasure from them in a way that's consensual, in a way that is mutually pleasurable.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
But this person is drawing from you at the same time that they are pushing into you or providing for you. That's the straddle. That's the sweet spot. But you need to calm the fuck down. There are women out there who really enjoy sex. There are women out there who are orgasmic. There are women out there who can have multiple orgasms.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
You know what really makes it hard for anybody who can come to come? Feeling pressured to come, feeling like the person you're with regards your pleasure not as something that they're helping to create for you, but as a referendum.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
that's being held on their skill as a lover, and then you can, because you don't want to disappoint them, wind up feeling like you have to, even if you are a woman who has orgasms and can have multiple orgasms, I've talked to women who are capable of multiple orgasms, who are with men, male partners, who knew it, and then they wound up in a situation where they were faking multiple orgasms for that guy because they didn't want to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
crush him by not because the time they were getting together, it wasn't going to happen for them that time, but they're still enjoying the sex. So calm the fuck down about women who have multiple orgasms. Not all women can and not all women who do can or want to each time they have sex. There are other reasons people have sex. You're not just there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
to collect orgasms like Pokemon monsters, cards or whatever the fuck, however you collect those things. That's not what you're necessarily there for. Yes, men, particularly straight men, need to be encouraged to be solicitous of their partner's pleasure. The orgasm gap is real and huge. Doesn't exist in lesbian relationships, exists in opposite sex relationships.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And so, yeah, I want straight men to be solicitous. I want straight men to be making inquiries during sex about what they can do and whether you want to get off and how and asking for direction. But also if what she wants at that moment is for it not to be focused on her pleasure or her having to get off in that moment to make you feel good about yourself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
But what she might want in that moment is to feel like you are – enjoying it and enjoying her and taking your pleasure which you are allowed to do which you are supposed to do which your sex partners if they're there for all the right reasons want you to do and then you can also walk and fucking chew gum perform for them if that's what they want but you got to listen to them about what they want
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
You may wind up in bed sometimes. I've had sex with guys. It's easy for guys. We always know when we've come. And guys are pretty much experts on getting there. But I've had sex with guys where it was great. It was awesome. One of us came and the other one was like, you know what? I don't need to come right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
In the same way, finding a body with its head cut off is evidence that a crime has been committed. You may not have seen the murder, you may not have the murder weapon, but that decapitated body all by itself? Evidence a crime has been committed. Probably more than one. In the case of the decapitated body, there's been a murder. People can't decapitate themselves. Someone cut that dude's head off.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And you just cuddle, then you smile and relax and tell them you'll get them next time, or they can get you next time and roll with it and always be focused on what's really important, which is the connection and the pleasure, not the collection of orgasms.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. We've emailed Helix to let them know that two pillows, a little mononormative. Sometimes there's three people in a relationship. They're going to get back to us on that. We'll let you know what they say.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Go to helixsleep.com slash savage right now for 25% off your mattress and those two free but problematic pillows, two. It's their best offer yet. Won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Gonna have a little intervention here first. Why aren't you out to your husband about being bisexual? Bisexuals often have, tend to have, worse mental health outcomes, physical health outcomes than monosexuals, than gays, lesbians, and straight people.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And the thing that correlates most strongly with poor mental health outcomes is the pressures and strain of the closet, of being married to someone who doesn't know you're bi and feeling like you have to hide from that person. All your life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I wrote an article once a million years ago when I had been accused of being biphobic and I don't think anyone who actually listens to me talk about this shit on this show would think I'm biphobic. But I opened this piece with I'm not biphobic. In fact, I love bisexual people so much I wish there were more of them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And the whole piece is me going on and on and on for 2,000 words in June of 2011 imploring bisexual people who had disappeared into opposite sex relationships and allowed themselves to be perceived as heterosexual by not being out, by not asserting themselves as bi. I wanted them to come out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
In the case of the billionaire? For so much wealth to flow to one person at the top, politicians were bought and sold, regulations were undone or went unenforced, wages were stolen. Interestingly, a billionaire did get arrested this weekend. Pavel Durov, a Russian national, founder of Telegram, the end-to-end encrypted message sharing app.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And I pointed out that if all these bisexual people with opposite sex partners came out, they would represent the vast majority of the LGBTQ community. And that has come to pass in the last decade and a half. And I'm really happy about that. Now, when you look at breakdowns, you see those stories about 20%, 25% of Gen Z and millennials identifying as LGBT, and then you look in the numbers,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
over time, and the numbers for gays and lesbians, pretty constant. Trans people, pretty constant. What's skyrocketed is the number of out bi people. And that's wonderful. Why aren't you one of them? Why does your husband not know that you're bi? Are you not safe coming out to your husband as bisexual?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
In which case, yeah, that's one of the problems that contributes to poor mental health outcomes among bisexuals is when they're married to bigots, which is a mistake. Maybe you married your husband before you were fully consciously aware of your bisexuality, before you encountered this hot trainer at the gym that's really called the question. And I don't want to fault you for that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Sometimes people are still, actually all times, I think all people are always figuring out who they are. And sometimes we marry, scramble our DNA together, have kids with someone and we don't quite know who we are or didn't know who we are, or we continued to evolve and became different people.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And then you find yourself sort of marooned where the most important person in your life is really invested in this idea of who you thought you were. You weren't lying, you weren't actively being deceitful, but who you thought you were when you married them and unwinding their investment in who they thought you were is perilous because the stakes are high.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
What if your husband is an anti-buy bigot and leaves you? On the other hand, wouldn't you rather be out to your husband? On the other hand, if being out to your husband means you can get his permission to go fuck the hot trainer, it seems like the rewards might be worth the risks.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Even if you don't get permission from your husband to go fuck the hot trainer, at least now you don't have to hide from your husband anymore. All right, so I want you to be one of those bisexuals who came out because I importuned you to, and I think you'll be happier once you're out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
It is better to be loved for who you are than to walk around wondering if the people who professed to love you would love you if they knew who you were. So setting aside that there'll be more hot trainers, more hot women in the future that you will encounter who will drive you crazy, make you so fucking horny. That's going to be a constant pleasure that you will face over the course of your life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
The thing I think you really need to address here is the toss up at the end that you're not out to your husband about being bi. Go tell your husband you're bi right now. And then call me back and let me know how it went. Sick of the one-size-fits-all method, especially when it comes to your erectile dysfunction treatment? Well, good news. Now you've got options with HIMS.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I'm not going to get into the particulars of the alleged crimes for which the French detained Pavel Durov. I just want to talk about the weird billionaire thing that he's done. Fathering children, a lot of them. Not fathering them in the sense that he helps with homework or shows up at school plays, just fathering in the sense that he had an orgasm.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Masculinity particularly the heterosexual variety masculinity, can really be a prison. What I hear when your friend says that not having a father growing up made you less of a man, whereas he had a father growing up and therefore he is more of a man, is that he's trapped in this performance of sexuality
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
this idea of masculinity of manhood that was imposed on him by his father or by the expectations that he feels his father has of him. And I think he looks at you and how free you are to be the man you are, the gay man that you are. And this shitty comment that he made is,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
These shitty comments that he suddenly started making are an expression of jealousy and rage and perhaps an indication that he might be gay himself. And sometimes the worst homophobes, we used to say this all the time, and it would come true so regularly.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
He donates sperm, buckets of it, gallons of it, oceans of it. He's reportedly got more than 100 biological children rattling around him. Treating your dick like a Pez dispenser filled with DNA is a lot of things, but it's not fatherhood. But like a lot of weird-ass billionaires, he believes his genetic material is superior to non-billionaire genetic material, and he is a natalist.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
It was a cliche that like somebody who's a raging homophobe or a professional homophobe is often, as I like to say, externalizing that internal conflict, trying to control themselves and their own burning hunger for cock by condemning other people who are acting on their burning hunger for cock and trying to draw a clear, bright line between who they are and who you are because basically
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
deep down inside and sometimes not so deep down, but right on the surface, they know that they are hungry for cock too. They're just not free. They just can't give themselves permission to come the fuck out, to live openly, to shoulder the consequences of coming the fuck out and living openly.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And seeing someone like you, having someone like you in their life as an intimate, as a friend, can really make a person feel shitty about themselves. And it can make a shitty closeted person who feels shitty about himself want to say and do shitty things to punish the gay person in their life who's out, who's...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
freedom makes them feel shitty about their cowardice by saying shitty disparaging things. I have lived long enough to see this tape unspool dozens of times where 16, 18, 20, 22, 24, people I went to college with, really performatively homophobic, sneering, saying shitty, diggy little things, and then they come out. Happens over and over again. Not in all cases.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I'm not saying everybody who's ever said a shitty homophobic thing is secretly hungry for cock, but it happens regularly enough. And based on your description of how it's been happening with this guy...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
My spidey senses tell me that this guy has a very awkward, clumsy coming out in his future where he is going to have to come to you and apologize to you for the shitty things he said to you when he was struggling with the decision about what he's going to do with the rest of his life. Whether he's going to keep trying to nail that closet door shut and stay put or he was going to come the fuck out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
All right. Setting that theory aside, maybe he's not gay. Maybe he's just an asshole. You don't have to have assholes in your life. Even if he's closeted and kind of pathetic and this is sad, you don't have to have him in your life while he's being an asshole. You should say to this guy, I thought we were good, but lately you've been saying these shitty, easily disproved things.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Yeah, I don't have a dad. I didn't have a father in my life growing up. It doesn't make me any less of a man and it's not why I'm Gay. There's plenty of gay guys out there who were raised by their dads and are gay still. And my uncle didn't turn me gay because people don't turn people gay. And what a shitty cliche thing to say. That is not how homosexuality happens. And I think you know it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And I don't understand why you're pretending not to know it. And saying something like that at the end, I think you know it. I don't understand what's up with you right now and why you're acting this way and pretending not to know it. Throws it back at him. And what you're saying to him is like, I see you. I see what you're doing here. And I have an idea as to why you're doing this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And when he's ready to come the fuck out as gay, if that's what's going on. And or apologize to you for being so shitty lately and explain to you why suddenly. Is he being radicalized? Is he watching Andrew Tate videos? What? When he's ready to apologize, maybe he can be back in your life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
People who believe that... Men like him, rich men, white men need to have a lot more kids. And if women don't want to have kids with those men, then we need to figure out how to return to a culture of coercing women to have kids with men they don't want to have kids with.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
But right now, one of the great things about being out and gay and an adult is you don't have to put up with the homophobes in homeroom or in your own immediate family. You get to decide who you spend time with and who you're around. Realize he's your roommate, so you can't avoid him 100% of the time, but you can cut a wide berth. And if living with him is immiserating, move.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Or talk to your other roommates if your other roommates are on your side and are offended by this too. And get together with your other roommates and tell this guy he has to move. Bigotry can have consequences at times for the bigots too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I got nothing. I don't have some alt suggestion for injecting meth into your dick to shrink your dick. The harm reduction intervention I would recommend to your friend here is to stop injecting meth into your dick. His penis. And if he wants to feel like he has a really small dick, there are tiny little dick cages out there that compress the erectile tissues almost all the way back into the body.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Something you can do. You're soft. You can grip the head and you can push down and basically squash all the erectile tissues. It's not good for them. If you do it and immediately let go of your dick, you're not going to have done yourself any harm, but there are people who lock devices under their dicks that keep them in that position.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And the risk is damage to the erectile tissues if you're wearing this kind of chastity device and your dick begins to have a spontaneous erection and you become aroused and all that erectile tissue is filling with blood, but it is crushed and collapsed and doesn't have anywhere to safely – and you can damage those tissues.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
So your friend could do that if he doesn't care about damaging those tissues, if he really is the sworn enemy of his dick that he seems to be. Also, I guess if he could find a... There are gender-confirming surgeons out there who perform nullifications on people who want to be eunuchs or to have Ken doll crotches.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Here's hoping Durov's superior genetic material comes with a trust fund for each and every one of his kids to pay for the cosmetic surgeries they're going to need later in life if they want to look like dad when they grow up. Or look like dad does now. Because Durov's had some work done. Good work. Quality work. He can obviously afford the best. He looks great.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
There are surgeries for Peyronie's disease that can help people with Peyronie's disease, which is a buildup of plaque in the erectile tissue, can cause a bend in the penis, sometimes they're painful, and that can be corrected for, but the downside of the surgical interventions for Peyronie's is that they tend to, by taking out on one side or the other or both, some of the plaque, they tend to make the dick a little shorter.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And if there are people out there who would literally perform nullification surgeries electively on people because they long to be eunuchs or long to have Ken doll crotches, maybe there's one or two out there who would do that for your friend and shorten his dick permanently and he won't need to take the risks, including risks of infection and gangrene.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I wouldn't collect Faberge eggs or buy an island in Hawaii without thinking about why buying an island in Hawaii is such a fucked up thing to do to Hawaiians who still live on those islands. I wouldn't get in a tin can powered by a video game console and go down to see the Titanic. And I wouldn't spend hundreds of millions of dollars on a super yacht that can't float. I like to think...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Like one of the things on the table here is no dick at all, if he's not careful, off the table. Sorry, you can hear my voice, your friend's predicament, making me a little uncomfortable. And again, the harm reduction strategy I would urge is for him to stop harming himself like this with that dangerous drug in this dangerous way.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And if he wants to fantasize about having a much smaller dick or shrink his dick, you can explore that through role play and these now very aggressive strategies. chastity devices and cages, which some people will say when you read about them, that if they wear them consistently and over long periods of time, does make their dicks smaller.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Don't know if that's true because people who are wearing these cages fantasize about their dicks being made smaller. Maybe it's just wishful thinking or less dickful thinking, but your friend could give it a try and give meth a rest. All right, time for the listener feedback section of the show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment thread at savage.love. Says Incontempo, the lady with the suction toys who was wondering about asking her new sex partners to use the suction toys that worked for her. In her last relationship, her marriage, girl, just bring it up.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
One of the first times I had sex with my boyfriend, I asked if he could bring me off with my trusted vibrator. And he was like, sure. Seven years and two vibrators later, we still bring the toys in when we want some guaranteed fun for both of us. He has never been insecure about it. The guys who are insecure about it can hit the bricks as far as I'm concerned.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Says Mickey PG, this is a comment for the woman who dated the bi guy who realized he couldn't be with a woman long term. I would advise you to stay friends with him. He likes you as a person, and maybe he knows some nice hot bi guys he can set you up with. I briefly dated a woman who realized she wasn't really into men. We became good friends instead.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
She wound up setting me up with a wonderful friend of hers. Her friend and I now married and have a child. The same could happen for you. Good luck." And finally, says Laura, I don't know. The idea that a man who mostly has had sex with men would be better at having sex with women for that reason sounds absurd to me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Unless you believe straight guys just don't care about their partner's pleasure and don't learn from experience, which has not been my experience at all. Laura, I'm really glad that your experience with straight guys has been so positive. There are good straight guys out there. I like to think the good straight guys out there are listening to my show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
In all honesty, I would let him inseminate me. But his actual genetic material isn't coded for... the hairline, cheekbones, or jawline he has now. Nice tits, though, for a billionaire. They're all over Instagram. If you want to check out Durov's tits, go to at Durov on Instagram and threads.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
But the orgasm gap exists for a reason because not all straight guys are invested in their partner's pleasure or willing to learn from experience. And it makes sense to me. The idea that a guy who's been mostly with men might be willing to do whatever it takes to get his partner off whoever his partner might be.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Makes sense to me because if you're having sex with dudes a lot, it's not over until you both get off. There wouldn't be an orgasm gap if men who had sex only with women felt the same way. All right, for more listener feedback, keep listening as listener response calls are coming right up. Doing something different with struggle session lately.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Struggle session is where I usually respond to listener and reader comments. But for the rest of the summer, I am running letters and inviting readers to weigh in on letters that didn't make it into the column. Check that out at savage.love on Thursdays.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And now, my favorite part of the show and everybody else's favorite part of the show, the part of the show where I shut my mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
All of this weirdly brings me to Roseanne Barr, the disgraced comedian, terrible human being, Trump-supporting racist nut. I don't think she's well. But a long time ago, she said something I kind of agreed with. Two things, actually, she said that I agreed with. She wants someone out there to invent chocolate air. I would like that, too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your juicy questions and insightful comments for future shows. You can record your question at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email your question or comment to q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline and leave us a message, old school, at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
A note for listeners in Seattle. An award-winning documentary film I worked on, Jimmy in Saigon, is playing at CIFF this Thursday night at 7.30 p.m. The film was made by my ex-college boyfriend, Peter McDowell, about his brother who died in Vietnam when my ex was just five years old. It is a fascinating film. I will be there. Peter will be there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And we will be having a Q&A together after the screening. For more info and tickets, go to Sith.net. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. And follow me at Blue Sky, also at Dan Savage. Follow Nancy, not our Nancy, Savage Lovecast producer, our guest, Nancy Crossdresser, on Twitter at NancyRoseTV. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by our Nancy, Nancy Hartunian.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
and me and nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth we will all be back at you next week another installment of the savage love cast thank you for telling me
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And back when she was running for president in 2012, she originally ran for the Green Party nomination, which she lost to eternal grifter Jill Stein. So Barr ran on the Peace and Freedom Party ticket and got 70,000 votes in 2012. That was before she entirely lost her mind, before she threw in with alleged billionaire criminal Donald Trump. To be clear, he is a criminal. That's not alleged.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Convicted felon, sexual abuser. Only an alleged, by himself, criminal. Billionaire. Back when Barr was running for president, she had this to say about billionaires.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
a maximum wage, if you have billions of dollars, you should have to give back most of the money you stole. You should be able to live on a measly $100 million. You would still be obscenely wealthy. You would still have more money than any one person could spend in a lifetime.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Your family would still benefit from the affirmative action of generational wealth, as Michelle Obama described it when talking about Donald Trump at the Democratic National Convention. Michelle Obama, man, she is done going high. But I agree with Barr. $100 million should be the best you can possibly do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And if you get to that or clear it, you might as well start paying your workers a living wage and stop giving more money than you would pay in taxes to Republican candidates who promise to cut your taxes and just pay your fucking taxes instead. Of course, this is how I feel right now. Check in with me again when Powerball is at two billion and I have a couple of lottery tickets in my pocket.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
All right, before we get to today's show, a quick business announcement for us here at Savage Love Inc. We are gearing up for Hump's 20th anniversary season in 2025, so we are reaching out to filmmakers, kinky people, sex havers, people who just wanna have fun, to invite you to share your sexy, funny, and kinky short films with us. Hump films, always five minute or less.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Each Hump film, five minute or less. They capture a diverse spectrum of experiences and expressions all again within that exhilarating time limit of five minutes or less. Some new things coming to Hump in 2025. Cash prizes. We're thrilled to announce the return of audience cash awards to filmmakers. $10,000 in cash prizes awarded to filmmakers today. audience vote.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And starting in 2025, we're adding a new category for audiences to vote on in the Hump Awards. In addition to best sex, best kink, best humor, we've added most creative, most artistic to the ballot. And we will have two lineups next year, just like we did this year. We will have two hump seasons, a spring and fall hump seasons to bring people more and more
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
of that hump goodness that they love so much. And as always, there is no cost to submit your film to hump. We don't charge a fee to filmmakers to enter hump and every filmmaker whose film makes it into the festival gets a cut of every ticket sold. Go to humpfilmfest.com slash submit to find out all you need to know about getting your dirty little masterpiece into our dirty little film festival.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Like everyone likes to think that if I was a billionaire, I would do nice shit, not weird shit or problematic shit. If I was a billionaire, I would help out my family and friends and strangers. I would probably keep doing this show because why the fuck not? Man needs an occupation, like Lady Bracknell said.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And we will see you in the theaters on the big screen in 2025. All right, coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me for the magnum, Nancy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Not our girl Nancy, not Savage Lovecast producer Nancy Hartunian, but Nancy, the straight male cross-dresser who heard us ask if there were any straight male cross-dressers out there in our audience who would want to come on the show and talk about... Cross-dressing, which you hear a lot less about these days than you used to.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Tons of your great sex questions and a whole bonus Nancy coming up for you today on the Savage Lovecast. Let's get to that first question right now. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the makers of my mattress and your next mattress. Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
This is their best offer yet. It won't last long. Go get your new mattress. With Helix, better sleep starts now. This episode is sponsored by HIMSS. Affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at himss.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I would pour money into gun control and fund the shit out of any organization with an actual and plausible plan to do away with the electoral college. And I would plant a lot of trees or something. But yeah, I probably would do some weird shit too. Some fucked up shit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
So the problem here isn't that you're out at a bar having drinks with a higher up at the place where you work and that the conversation is getting flirty and explicit. That is not the problem that you asked me to address. It is a problem that a lot of people out there listening are probably flagging right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
What kind of a workplace is this if the higher ups are going out with the underlings and talking about... their sexual orientations and their genital preferences and getting tipsy and flirty with employees. You didn't ask me to address that. I sometimes think people put too much emphasis on that as a problem. A lot of people do meet people that they wind up fucking at work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And so long as someone isn't exploiting their power over you and they're consciously exploiting leaning out of their power over you. And if your workplace has a go to your higher, higher ups and disclose any romantic connection policy, you're doing that. I don't have a problem with people fucking people that they met at work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
We live in a world where there are a lot of people who aren't fucking at all anymore right now because the dating apps are a fucking nightmare and don't work for them. And people are bowling alone to use that horrible phrase and not going out and not getting laid. Um, And I feel like as problematic as workplace romances and bromances can be, I don't want to close that down.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I don't want to make that so taboo. No one ever... Fuck somebody that isn't a lateral fuck on the power chart that they met through work. Anyway, what do you do? Well, my feeling, if you're out to 20%, you estimate, of your coworkers about being trans and out to a few of your managers about being trans... And you didn't swear them to secrecy when you came out to them as trans.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And they aren't the kind of hand-wringing allies who are hyper-conscious of it not being their news to share. Coming out to a fifth of people in your graduating class, coming out to a fifth of people at work, coming out to a fifth of your family typically means, in pretty short order, that...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
the other 80% of your coworkers, classmates, family, whatever it is, find out because word does indeed spread. So my money's on this guy was flirting with you may know you're trans likely knows you're trans. And this was going where you thought it was going. I'm gay until the dick comes out. There's more than one way to interpret that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Politically, I would fund a grassroots effort to purge Republican voters from the rolls in red states like Georgia, where right now MAGA Republican weirdos, not elected officials, are purging voters in Democratic districts. I think purging voters from voting rolls is a terrible thing, a bad thing, a terrible idea. Like, gerrymandering is a terrible thing and a terrible idea.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I'm gay until my dick comes out and then I kind of lose it when I'm with a dude, trans or cis, or I'm gay so long as I'm getting blown by a guy who is keeping, if he has a dick, his dick in his pants or bending over for me, but doesn't expect me to bend over for him. I don't want to touch a dick. That's not gay that would pass the gay muster in my gay house, but I guess that's gay for him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
You say he identifies as bi, he's one of those guys who's using gay to mean any male-male sex that he engages in colloquially in a way that I think he's entitled to as a bi guy, but if a gay guy used gay to mean that, to use gay in that way in reference to the sex a bi guy might be having, it could be dot, dot, dot. Problematic. All right. So what do you do?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Well, you went out, you had flirty drinks. The conversation went to what some may feel are inappropriate places and ended on a note of erotic tension and ambiguity. How do you resolve that erotic tension? How do you clarify what's ambiguous now? Well, you go out for drinks again and you keep talking to this dude if you are interested in this dude. But at some point you're going to have to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Pull one of my signature moves, which is just looking at somebody and being really blunt. Hey, last time we had drinks, you said you're gay until the dick comes out. And I said, well, you're in luck because there's a lot of guys out there without dicks these days. I'm one of those guys. I'm a trans man and I haven't had bottom surgery. I don't intend to get bottom surgery. So...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
You could be gay for me without any dick other than yours ever coming out and just hit on the motherfucker already if it feels right. And it might be better with the workflow charts and the power structure and him being above you, him being a higher up if you were the one who made the first explicit move. He may feel less...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
at risk or less vulnerable to a charge of sexual harassment in the workplace if he, as the overling, didn't make the first move on you, the underling. But he certainly, I think by having this conversation with you and where this conversation went, opened the door to you making that first move.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Dame's sex toys are designed to enhance intimacy and connection, whether you're with a partner or you're flying solo. Eva, their hands-free couples vibrator, stays in place so you and your partner can focus on each other. All four of your hands, or six or eight of your hands, Free, you won't have to be adjusting that toy or all of those toys.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
And superimposed over the video are the words, long live the real king, which is a reference to something Trump posted last week where he described himself as the king. I had two intrusive thoughts while I watched this video. First, Musk appears to have two right feet. His big toes are on the left side of both of his feet, which confusingly makes them two right feet.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Or there's Calm, a wand vibrator that's powerful yet super comfortable. Most Dame products now use USB-C chargers. No more hunting for a specific cable. And Dame's ultra-thin condoms combine protection and pleasure perfectly. And they have, and this is so important, when your hands get wet or loopy, their condoms have easy-to-open packaging.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
My listeners can get 20% off your first order at Dame.com using code SAVAGE20. Go treat yourself or someone you love and support the show at the same time by going to Dame.com and using code SAVAGE20.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
You've come to really enjoy the loud sounds, the screaming and yelling, the moaning and sighing, the caterwauling that this woman engages in during intercourse because you are wired to enjoy those things. What your female partner is doing, there's a term for it, there's a scientific term for it, female copulatory vocalizations. And female primates, many female primates during intercourse,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Loud screaming, loud yelling, caterwauling, whooping, sighing, moaning. A couple of theories as to why female primates engage in copulatory vocalizations. Hurries the male along, turns the male on, sometimes makes the male's orgasm arrive a little bit faster. Also, some evolutionary biologists believe that female copulatory vocalizations are one of the things that point to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
our species, other species, closely related species, not being monogamous. Because while the female was screaming and yelling during intercourse, other males, a savannah or two away, other males, several dozen trees away, would hear that, know that a female was engaged in sexual activity, and... drift over to see if they might have a turn next. So it accomplished two things.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Look down at your right foot and you will see that your big toe is on the left side of your right foot and your big toe is on the right side of your left foot. Both of Musk's toes are on the right side. So clearly some bugs left to work out with AI generated foot fetish video technology. The other thought, in addition to, blech, was how did this video play?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
It attracted other males, but it also finished off the male that was... currently fucking her so that by the time the other males who heard the caterwauling arrived, or the other male that heard the caterwauling arrived, the male that she'd been having sex with was done and she was available to that other male that she attracted. All right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
So knowing what's going on here and knowing that this is typical female primate behavior and that this woman isn't doing anything wrong isn't going to solve your problem about being self-conscious at the sex club because she's loud. All right, then don't go to the sex club. You eventually had to get used to it in hotel rooms and knowing that other people in the next room could hear you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
And please, God, be the kind of loud people who have sex, loud sex in hotel rooms, not at 1 a.m., but at 1 p.m. or at 10 p.m., Fuck you if you're being this loud. Anybody, fuck anybody who's this loud in a hotel room at 2 a.m. When I hear people having loud, loud sex in a hotel room at 2 p.m. or at 6 p.m., I'm always like, thank you. Thank you so much.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Thank you for doing this indecent thing at a decent hour. Nobody resents sex sounds in a hotel room. At 10 p.m., everybody hates the loud fuckers in hotels when people are trying to do that other thing that people do in hotels, which is sleep. But you're one of the sex club. Okay, well, you got used to it in a hotel.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
You learn to stop worrying about what other people in other rooms or walking down the hall several floors away might hear or overhear or think. And all they're going to think is I'm in a hotel and it's a building full of beds and some people are fucking in those beds and Clearly there are two people fucking in the bed behind that door. You got used to it. You got over it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
You can do that in a sex club too. And who knows? Maybe you bring this loud, loud American woman and her copulatory vocalizations to a sex club in London and these other people there, all the other primates there, will... Maybe judge. Maybe they'll be shocked. Maybe there'll be some side eye. Or maybe she'll inspire other primates in the club to just go ahead and scream their heads off too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Because however loud they get, they'll probably not be as loud as her. So you disinhibited fucking this woman in hotel rooms. You can disinhibit fucking this woman in a sex club. And if you have a problem with it, if anybody has a problem with it, just go to the DJ and ask him to play.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love from Avenue Q, because ultimately every answer we need for every interpersonal human conflict, sexual and otherwise can be found in the American musical theater. This episode is brought to you by Blueland.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I don't know about you, but I hate plastic waste and plastic recycling is a joke, which is why we have to stop using so much plastic. Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown away each year? And if that's not bad enough, most cleaning formulas are 90% water. which is heavy to ship, leading to excessive carbon emissions.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Plus, those products are often filled with nasty ingredients like chlorine and ammonia. That is a lose-lose solution for you, for your skin, for the planet. It's just stupid. Blueland is on a mission to eliminate a whole lot of single-use plastic by reinventing cleaning essentials to be better for you and better for the planet with the same powerful clean you're used to. The idea is simple.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
How did it go over with, I mean, foot fetishists who have to see their kink, a hugely important part of their sexuality, used in this way, instrumentalized in this way, to demean a public figure? The hope here, of course, what motivated whoever made this video, is that the shame, the shame of being associated with something so depraved
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
They offer refillable cleaning products with a beautiful cohesive design that looks great on your counter. Just fill your reusable bottles with water, drop in the tablets and wait for them to dissolve. You'll never have to schlep bulky cleaning supplies home from the grocery store ever again. Refills start at just $2.25. You can even set up a subscription or buy in bulk for additional savings.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Blueland products are independently tested to perform alongside major brands and are free from dyes, bleach, and harsh, irritating chemicals. From cleaning sprays to hand soaps, toilet bowl cleaner, and laundry tablets, all Blueland products are made with clean ingredients you can feel good about. Blueland is already trusted in over 1 million homes, including mine. Yours should be next.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I am so happy that we are reducing plastic and plastic waste from our lives. And as the main cleaner in our home, I can attest to the high quality of their products. They work great and they smell really nice too. Blueland has a special offer right now for our listeners. Get 15% off your first order right now by going to blueland.com slash savage. You won't want to miss this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Blueland.com slash savage for 15% off. Your skin will thank you. The earth will thank you. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. Blueland.com slash savage to get 15% off.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
When I wrote The Kid, which is a memoir about my then boyfriend, now husband and I adopting our son together, my mom wanted to read it and I sent her a copy with a couple of chapters removed and said, Yeah, honoring what you'd always said to me, that there are things a mom has a right not to know. I took the chapters out that you would probably not want to read, things you wouldn't want to know.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I couldn't stop my mother, however, if she had wanted to, from walking to a bookstore, that's how long ago it was, or later getting on Amazon and ordering an unredacted copy of that book and reading the things that not only I... was worried that she would be discomforted by reading, but that I, knowing she was reading, would feel a little uncomfortable about.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
will drive a wedge between Trump and Musk and get us to the inevitable rupture in their relationship maybe a little sooner. Now, for some foot fetishists, shame is definitely part of the turn-on or it's bound up with it. But that's not true for all foot fetishists. Being into shame and degradation is its own kink. Being into feet, however, is just one of the many forms partialism takes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Sometimes it's hard to write things down when you think your sister or your mom are going to read them. And yeah, so I said to my mom, took those chapters out, things you might not want to know, and then left it at that. So why not say to this woman, that you have some sort of relation. You say you're metamors. It sounds like you two may interact.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
This sounds like a kitchen table or sink poly situation. Say, hey, I'm feeling just a little like, feels intense for you to see this film, to watch me and your husband get it on the way me and your husband got it on in this film and just put it out there. Acknowledge the awkwardness.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Or how awkward you feel without the presumption that it's going to make them feel awkward or they're going to have any sort of particular feeling about it at all. She knows you're fucking her husband. She's seen her husband fuck others of his partners. And so she's not going to see anything she hasn't seen.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
She's not going to be confronted perhaps with any mental images she hasn't been confronted with already. And so this entirely to me seems like a you problem. And it's interesting to think about why you have a problem with this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
What is it that you're afraid that she's going to see in this video that you made with her husband that she doesn't already know, assume, or hasn't seen him enjoy or connect in that way with others? I don't know. I don't know what that is.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I do know that just like I couldn't stop my mother from getting her hands on an unredacted copy of The Kid, if you're going to create an OnlyFans account, if you're going to submit your film to Hump, and thank you. Thank you for making a film for Hump. Surrender. It's great. One of my favorites this year. I can't wait to share it with Hump audiences.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
You can ask her not to come to the show, but you can't stop her from coming to the show. She could go to a screening that you and your boyfriend aren't at. She could eventually stream that hump 20th anniversary part one season online. And if you start an only fans, she can buy a membership and watch the content that you're going to create with her husband. You can't control this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Or you can just say to her, look, it feels irrational, but I feel weird watching this with you. And then maybe she'll say, yeah, it is a little weird. Or she'll say the perfect thing that sets you at ease. Maybe something she's said to others of her husband's partners about their sex that she has watched or witnessed in the past. And you'll feel better about this. You need to let go.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
You can't control this. You created this content. You submitted it to this film festival. Tickets are available now. HumpFilmFest.com for the 20th anniversary part one tour of Hump. And once your OnlyFans is live, she can watch that too. So control what you can control. Don't worry about what you can't.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
And you can't ultimately anymore control whether your boyfriend or your partner or your play partner's spouse gets to see you two going at it. And thank you again for entering Hump. No Hump without Humpers. No Hump without the Hump filmmakers. Thank you. This episode is brought to you by Field. No more dates that feel like job interviews.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
In 2025, we deserve a space where we can show up just as we are, ready to meet others just as they are. On Field, you have the breathing room to explore your desires, think relationship anarchy, cuddling, being a brat, and find communities that share your interests. Think D&D, tennis, zine making.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Free from ads and completely independent, this is the place that draws curious, playful, open-minded people. The ones you've been looking for. Field really supports people who are evolving in their sexuality. There's no limit to how many times you can change your sexuality, your desires, interests, gender identity.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Partialism, a sexual interest or attraction to a particular part of the body. No one says that a person with a thing for boobs or butts, also partialisms, are perverts. And yet I've seen a thing for feet defined as the most common form of sexual fetishism for otherwise non-sexual objects or non-sexual body parts.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
In fact, 62% of field members evolve their sexuality, interests, and desires within their first year on the app. In a space without any expectation, you can feel free to find true expressions of yourself. As part of the field community, you'll quickly find that people regularly practice honesty and openness on field.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Whether it's about the relationship structures you're interested in or experiences you'd like to explore, this is the place where you don't have to waste any of your time wondering what someone is looking for or slow rolling what you're looking for. And there's room for friends. Connection comes in many forms and field is a space for all of it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Whether you just moved to a new city and need a new community or you're traveling and looking to meet new people, it's possible to find besties here. No algorithmic gatekeeping. The only person who can determine what you like is you. To honor the complexity of human desire, to honor the complexity of you, Field presents you all options and leaves you in control of your experience.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Bring your people along. In life, we're not islands, so why should we appear so online? Field's new Constellation feature lets you link profiles with your friends and lovers, so new connections will see who you are within your social context. Start a group chat. Find your people with your people.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already on Field. And we're excited to announce that we are going to be partnering with Field to find stories of first-time adventures. Stay tuned.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Again, we don't describe a thing for asses or boobs as sexual fetishism, even though asses and boobs aren't sex organs. So they're technically non-sexual body parts. They're important secondary sex characteristics. And yeah, it's usually easy to tell, but not always possible to tell the difference between a man's ass and a woman's ass.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
He's going to find your PrEP or he's going to find your receipts, payments you've been making to these sex workers, however you've been making them, or he's going to find out he has a sexually transmitted infection because although you are using PrEP, which protects you from HIV infection, PrEP does not protect you from chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, other sexually transmitted infections.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Even condoms, of course, there's the risk of the skin-to-skin sexually transmitted infections that most sexually active gay men have already been exposed to by your stage of life anyway. So I don't think too tremendous a concern, HPV or herpes, but still a concern. But if you end up giving him gonorrhea...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
That's because you had sex with somebody else who gave you gonorrhea, not using a condom, even if you were on PrEP. So he's going to find out sooner or later. And the longer this goes on, the worse it's going to be for you. You tried to have that conversation with him about why you wanted to open the relationship. You had that conversation with him about why you wanted to open the relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
You want more sexual excitement. You want more novelty. And he agreed reluctantly and then did that thing that some people who agree reluctantly to open the relationship will do, which is to make one of the rules.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I have to know you have to tell me you have to disclose and then retaliate after a disclosure by blowing the fuck up about the fact that you slept with somebody else or you did it wrong or was the wrong time or you did this one tiny little thing wrong. And then that's just drama. They get to scream and yell at you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
about how you did this thing they told you that you could do if you did it perfectly, which, of course, you never quite managed to do. It's a particularly volatile way pudness expresses itself. Somebody who is poly or open under duress, they agreed because they want to stay in the relationship, but they're angry about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
And so they punish the person who issued the open or over ultimatum that they accepted, but are still angry about. And it's untenable. The relationship can't go on like this forever. And I think you know that. And you're creating all sorts of. Trails of evidence here, the 30 hours on Grindr, text messages, making appointments with sex workers, paying sex workers.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I don't know if you're using PayPal or a cash app or your credit card, but that's evidence that he might stumble over. But the biggest risk here is you're having unprotected sex with other men after promising him that if you had sex with other men, you would use condoms.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
A little easier to tell the difference between a male chest and a female chest in almost every case, but not in every case. Same goes for feet. Like boobs and butts, a thing for feet is a gendered or sexed attraction to a secondary sex characteristic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
and you are not using condoms and having sex with sex workers and other gay men, your risk of acquiring a sexually transmitted infection and passing it on to your boyfriend, which is probably not something your relationship could come back from, is really high. I think you just have to have the conversation again.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I think you need to go to him and say, look, these rules that we set out to allow for me to have sex with other people, which I require to be content in our relationship are unworkable and unworkable by design. I don't think leave that out. Don't say to him unworkable, but design that's me talking to you. They're kind of unworkable by design.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
He doesn't want it to work for you to have sex with other people because he doesn't want you to have sex with other people or wants you to have as little sex with other people as possible. And you just need to say to him, like, look, I'm going to get on PrEP. You can say get on PrEP if you don't want to admit you are already on PrEP because nobody has sex with condoms anymore because of PrEP.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I'll also get DoxyPep if you live in a place where you can get DoxyPep for the protection it provides against bacterial sexually transmitted infections like gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis. But this rule doesn't work. Condoms don't work. And obviously disclosing to you doesn't work because I get punished when I tell you what you told me I needed to tell you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
And that is making telling you not fun and a problem. And so I'm not going to tell you. What I want is for you to know I'm getting on PrEP. I won't be using condoms when I have sex with other guys. And I'm not going to tell you about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
What we need is a DADT arrangement where you can pretend I'm not having sex with other guys and I will do everything in my power to shield you from any evidence I'm having sex with other guys. But we need to have this one conversation where we both acknowledge that I am having sex with other guys. And then if the relationship ends... all right, it was going to end sooner or later.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
And it was either going to end in an honest adult conversation like this, like I'm urging you to have, or it's going to end in a complete fucking shit show where you are the villain in the piece because all in one day he found your prep, he found receipts for sex workers and he found out he has syphilis. You're already risking everything with your actions.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
You need to go in and risk everything with your words. And I realize it sounds like I'm coming down on you. I am on your side here. Most gay relationships are open. There's some allowance for outside sexual contact.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I've never met a straight male foot fetishist who would opt for men's feet in a pinch, or a gay one who would opt for women's feet, because men's feet don't look like women's feet and vice versa. I mean, there was someone out there for a while selling fleshlights... Toys you can insert your penis into and fuck that looked like feet.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Stephanie Koontz had a giant piece in the New York Times describing gay men's sexual relationships and their relationships and identifies that allowance for outside sexual contact in gay male relationships as a stabilizing force and something that other people, lesbians, opposite-sex couples, might want to adopt. Because it is good for our relationships. It makes them stronger and more resilient.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I am on your side here. But you need to go have that conversation with him. That's where the impatience crept in. Because I think you should be able to see that your relationship is at risk here. It's at risk if you ask for what you want. You issue another ultimatum. It's at risk if you keep doing what you're doing. But it's at risk. And so why not risk... an ethical non-monogamous relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
And DADT is one form an ethical non-monogamous relationship can take. Right now you're in a non-monogamous relationship, but not a particularly ethical one. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, I'm going to read some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love, the only place on the internet where you should read the comments.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Whenever I want to talk at the top of the show about a viral video, Nancy reminds me that podcasting is not a visual medium and people can't see the video I'm talking about. And she's right. Nancy is always right about everything.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I took a call last week from a woman who was concerned because her male partner was looking at escort ads online. He insisted it was only to fantasize and jack off. I said he might not be lying about that, says Ted the bellhop. Viewing escort ads for the faps, that is a real thing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I used to get my engine revved by going through the Craigslist personals in my area to find guys looking to share their big dicks. I would fantasize about my wife laughing. hooking up with those guys says Omega.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Oh my, maybe it was something in the caller's tone that caught my attention, but I have to say the call about the partner with unique anatomy and full body orgasms set off about a thousand Omega verse fan fiction alarm bells that very well might've been a real call, but I also felt like I was deep in archive of our own. I don't know what any of that means, Omega, oh my.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
The Omegaverse, hmm, huh, what? And I'm not in a Googling mood, so I am not gonna find out, at least not today. Lots of tips in the comment threads for the bi male caller who wanted to find sex parties where bi guys like him We're welcomed, says JJ72.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I think the best way to find bi-sex parties and places is to go online and connect with other bisexuals and either get the intel from them or get invited by them or plan something together with them. Also, many bathhouses or gay sex clubs here in Germany have a bisexual day or an all-genders welcome day. Maybe worth checking out if this is a thing in the U.S. as well.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I want to second the getting intel from other bisexuals and maybe planning sex parties of your own, but all gender is welcome day, not a thing at gay bathhouses in the U.S. And just generally, bathhouses in the U.S. and gay bathhouses in Germany and other places in Europe are not quite the same animals.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
You just don't see as many bi nights or all gender nights at commercial sex spaces here in the United States, which is a shame. For more listener comments, check out the comments section at savage.love. And for longer responses from me to listener comments, written comments, check out Struggle Session every Thursday under Column at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
It was a little disturbing because to casual observers, it looked like a severed foot, but they sold male and female versions, which means it wasn't a unisex sex toy. So all that seems to distinguish a crazy sexual fetish for a particular body part from a simple sexual attraction to a particular body part is how common that attraction is.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
All right, now everyone's favorite part of the show, the part of the show where I shut my big gay mouth and Savage Love listeners get the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
And we're going to leave it there. Got a question for me? Go to savage.love slash ask Dan right now to record your question directly onto our website. Or you can make a voice memo and email us your question or your comment by sending it to q at savage.love. Or you can call us at 206-302-2064 and leave us a message on our answering machine.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco are getting humped right now to find out when hump is coming to your town. Go to humpfilmfest.com. You can also watch the trailer and order your tickets. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at blue sky at Dan Savage. Follow sunshine on Instagram at all American.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Savage love cast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth. We will all be back at you next week. The new installment of the savage love cast. Thank you as ever. We're done.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Zooming out for a second, some gay people are really bothered when comedians make fun of a politician like Lindsey Graham or Tim Scott, both senators from South Carolina, for, well, not being gay because neither of them have ever come out as gay, but, you know, reading gay. Both men have been known to set off people's gaydar. Jokes about Lindsey Graham don't bother me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I don't mind seeing politicians who work hard to keep homophobia alive pay a personal price for that. I don't mind seeing homophobes hoisted with their own homophobic petards. And if we can convince people there's something gay about homophobia, then homophobes will think twice before shoving their homophobia down all of our throats. But these jokes really do bother many gay people.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
I imagine there are foot fetishists out there who are bothered, who object to their sexual interests being used like this. And the HUD video isn't the first image we've seen of Trump kissing Elon Musk's feet. Imagine they object in the same way and for the same reason some gay people object to jokes about Lindsey Graham being gay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
But foot fetishists, they can't jump online to call out these jokes about their kink. They can't challenge the political weaponization of their kink without outing themselves. Which means most of them...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
can't come to their own defense, which is why, after watching this video, which again, if you haven't seen, consider yourself lucky, but if you want to see it, it is in our show notes, which is why today I rise in defense of foot fetishists everywhere. Donald Trump is gross. Elon Musk is disgusting. Both men are dangerous.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Sucking someone's big toe is neither gross nor disgusting or a danger to anyone else. And people with a thing for feet, while rarer than people with a thing for butts or boobs, they're not the gross and disgusting freaks we need to be worried about right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
But in this instance where I'm going to talk about a viral video at the top of the show, I'm really glad I can't show it to you because if you haven't seen it, consider yourself lucky. I saw it. I wish I could unsee it. And everyone who works at HUD, the Department of Housing and Urban Development, saw it yesterday. I'm sure they all wish they could unsee it too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
All right, Seattle and Portland, this weekend is your last chance to catch Hump 2025 Part 1 in theaters, the best little pornographic film festival in the world, which this year includes a wonderful foot fetish film. Hump screens in Portland at Revolution Hall this weekend and in Seattle at On the Boards.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Come vote for your favorite sexy, funny, kinky films and help award these amazing filmmakers tens of thousands of dollars in cash prizes. Get your tickets for Hump at humpfilmfest.com. And once the show wraps up in Seattle and Portland and San Francisco, Hump heads out on its world tour. There is nothing like seeing Hump in a theater full of other people.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
And nowhere else but Hump will you get to see a cum sock movie musical comedy. Hump 2025 Part 1 goes on tour next month. Check out the list of cities, dates, showtimes, and watch the trailer now at humpfilmfest.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
All right, coming up on today's show on the micro, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me on the Magnum, content creator, model, world traveler, and all-around sex icon, Sunshine joins me for a What Are You Doing segment that will be of particular interest to all you gooners out there. Don't know what a gooner is?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Subscribe to the Magnum Savage Lovecast at savage.love and you will find out. All that and more coming up on today's show. Thank you for watching. This episode is brought to you by Dame Products, sex toys designed by women for women. For 20% off your first order, go to dame.com and use offer code SAVAGE20. This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
It was the first day everyone at HUD, per Elon Musk's orders, had to be back in the office five days a week. And when I say everyone at HUD saw this video, I mean everyone. This short AI generated video played for five world without end minutes on repeat on every video monitor in the building.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
If it's a scam, if this teenager is scamming your father, you're playing right into her hands by refusing to meet your father and by refusing to meet her. This is a moment when your father may need you to get in his face and And tell him that, okay, he's an adult. He's 74 fucking years old and single. He can date whoever he wants. He can let anybody he wants move into his house.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
But for Christ's sake, the least he can do to protect himself and to protect his children, who would have to rush in to clean up the mess, is not marry this woman, not give this woman a credit card, access to his personal finances, that he needs a safe, that even his
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
And credit card statements go into that if she is there because she loves him, she won't even notice she doesn't have access to his personal finances or his credit card statements. But if she is there expressly to take advantage of him, she will notice and it will become an issue and then he will see and then he can get her the fuck out of his house. So yeah, it's squeaky. It's gross. It's weird.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
It's not illegal. It's not pedophilia. 19 years old. Can't legally drink in whatever state your father is stooping this woman, but can consent to sex is legally not a drinker, but legally an adult where sex and relationships are concerned. She could be the one being taken advantage of by your father. Your father could be the one being taken advantage of by her. It's messy. It's uncomfortable.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
It's gross. And you not seeing your father didn't make this woman disappear into a puff of smoke. You refusing to see your father, even if all you do when you see your father is scream and yell at him and try to talk sense to him. Again, if this woman is a scammer, as you fear she might be, that plays into her scammy hands.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
One of the things a scammer who wants to take financial advantage of an elderly person might do, might seek to do, is to isolate that person. From their support system, which is you and your brothers. I think your brothers are wrong to shrug this off as not a problem or just dad being dad and 19 year old tits being 19 year old tits.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
But I think you're wrong to refuse to see your father to not get in there because as squeaky as it might be to have to interact with him and his new girlfriend now, it's
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
The shit show, as you described this as a shit show, the shit show that it's going to be on your hands if this woman is indeed a scammer is going to be so much worse, so much greater, so much bigger a shit show six months from now or a year from now. If this woman manages to get away with whatever it is this woman might be and who knows, might not be trying to get away with.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
And I made the news, which is how those of us who don't work at HUD got to see it or were forced to see it. What the video shows in an extreme close-up is Donald Trump on his knees worshiping Elon Musk's feet, sucking Musk's big toe.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
If I were you, I would be grossed out, uncomfortable, worried, concerned, and there. One of the things I would be there to do is to look that person in the eye so that they understood that their new boyfriend, my elderly father... had people who were looking out for him and scrutinizing her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Zooming out for a second, talk generally about how relationships with significant age gaps should come in for a higher degree of scrutiny. And it's usually the older person we're talking about coming in for that scrutiny.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
And an older person who's with a much younger person in a committed romantic relationship that might be annoying or upsetting to some people in that younger person's life should welcome the scrutiny. You should invite the scrutiny. and answer the questions that the people concerned for your much younger partner might have for you, their family members, their parents, whatever.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
This is a case where, because I think the age difference, because we're talking about a 74 year old with a 19 year old with a kid that if her motives are pure, if this is somehow a love at true sight, star crossed lovers, wouldn't it be better if they'd met 50 years ago when they're roughly the same age and some alt universe would have been better, but there's actually real affection there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
Probably not, but who knows? Anything is possible. If she is there with good and pure motives, when you show up and you look her in the eye and say, I have concerns and what the fuck she will want to have that conversation with you. She will want to address your concerns and she will tell you what the fuck. And if she won't, that's a bad sign. And you can carry that bad sign.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
to your father and attempt to shake it in front of him or shake him in front of it and bring him to his senses at the very least convince him not to sign anything over, not to leave anything laying around, not to change his will and not to marry the child. This episode is brought to you by Dame Products.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 956
We just found out that Dame Products can't advertise on platforms like Meta because apparently sexual wellness is still taboo or taboo again. That just makes me love Dame Products even more. Dame is a company founded by women for women. Their products are designed for real people and rigorously tested for comfort, innovation, and inclusivity.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
You're listening to the micro version of the Savage Lovecast at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Even if you staple that condom to his dick and it doesn't come off, somebody who pulls that kind of move during sex has other moves that they will pull during sex to give themselves the pleasure of getting it over on someone, of feeling like they're in control, of using someone in the way that they would like to use them, even if this time while I'm using you, I have to keep that condom on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
There are lots of dick out there, but if this dick was great and you want to sit on it one more time and letting him feel like he got away with something because he got away with something, you can live with that. I'm not going to throw stones from my glass house at yours because I understand that kind of dick fever.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Been there, done that more than once, regretted it more than once, but more often than not, didn't regret it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
So you get to make your own choices. I'm one of those weirdos who likes to take the bus, but I didn't always. Why do I like it now? Let me tell you about a little app called Dipsy. Dipsy is the female-founded app for spicy audiobooks and more. Created by women for women, their app has over 1,000 spicy audiobooks, all crafted by a team of professional writers and top-tier narrators. Sexy Hades?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Lots of younger gay men, like lots of younger straight women, find older and more powerful men attractive. The whole daddy thing, I am not complaining about it. I have personally benefited from it. But not one gay man I know, young or old, would send whole pics to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. That man is thoroughly resistible to gay men, but apparently not to straight women.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Yes, please. Enemies to lovers? Yeah, sure. Meet the Rigger? Okay. With their easy to explore app, you can search for your favorite romance genres like contemporary, historical, dark, sports, western, romance, sapphic, and more. New chapters are released every week, so you'll always find something new to enjoy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
For listeners of the show, Dipsy is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage. That's 30 days of full access for free when you go to D-I-P-S-E-A stories.com slash savage. That's dipsystories.com slash savage. Make your bus ride super fun.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I have had one night stands. I have let people who were strangers to me touch me, but I'm Demi, but I'm Demi on speed a little bit. Like I can never really could never really mess around with somebody if they weren't someone I could see myself dating. And that is something that I got very good at determining quickly.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
When I met Terry and we had that one night stand, we talked in the bar and then we made out in the bathroom and then we went up.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
There was this progression and a lot of talking over the course of the night before he wound up back in my apartment where the next morning, I famously had to, while he was in the shower, get his wallet out of his pants and get his driver's license out of his wallet because I couldn't remember his name.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Anyway, that's different for me than like laying on some table in a dark room with some stranger putting their hands on me. And maybe there's a contradiction there, but we are all of us a mass of contradictions. We are allowed to have tiny little harmless hypocrisies. And you're trying to sell me on massage by saying it's a safe place with a lot of boundaries. I totally get it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I've gotten a few massages. I wasn't No one cut my kidney out of my body during a massage. I wasn't violated in any way. But you say the whole point is to relax. All you have to do to enjoy that massage is relax. And there's the rub. I can't relax in that way. situation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I can't relax laying on a table in front of a stranger with a towel covering my dick who is then going to run their hands all over my body. I can't relax. I can't relax. I have gotten a massage once or twice at Terry's urging because he thinks I'm too tense. He enjoys massages. And I left about a thousand times tenser than I arrived. So I don't see the point. I tipped really well.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
It wasn't the fault of the masseuse in any way. But I didn't see the point of putting myself through that again. We are allowed to have preferences and dislikes and they don't all have to neatly align with other preferences and dislikes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
So yeah, I was 30 and I met this 23-year-old in a bar and I let him play jungle gym on me all night long after talking to him in that bar and feeling like I could date this guy. And you know what? Turned out to be right. My hunch was correct. I'm really good at figuring those things out on the fly. but some masseuse. Yeah, no, no.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
So what I'm thinking is that maybe a well-timed intervention, a room filled with newsies, gay besties, just looking at her and slowly shaking their heads and saying, girl, no, over and over again, might have saved her career. The Newsy scandal was just one sex scandal that broke last week. An anti-gay activist was discovered to have appeared in gay porn.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I'm fine with this being an irresolvable contradiction in my psyche, in my character, even a hypocrisy of mine. And you're going to let me have it because there's no prying it out of me. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the makers of the mattress in our bedroom, in our guest room, and my boyfriend's bedroom too. The Helix mattress, perfect for poly people, perfect for...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
for monogamous people too. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection. That's ours. That's the mattress we have. The newly released Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even mattresses made just for kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix Sleep Quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes. And then your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door, free of charge. But you will get, with your mattress, a
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
100 night sleep trial you can try out your new mattress see how your body adjusts and if you decide it's not the best fit you are welcome to return it for a full refund helix offers models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side like me or models with more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Helix mattresses all come with a 10 or 15-year warranty, depending on the model. Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. We've emailed Helix to let them know that two pillows, a little mononormative. Sometimes there's three people in a relationship. They're going to get back to us on that. We'll let you know what they say.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Go to helixsleep.com slash savage right now for 25% off your mattress and those two free but problematic pillows. Two. It's their best offer yet, won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now. We're going to take a quick break from your calls to speak with someone that if you're a regular listener of the Savage Lovecast, you are familiar with.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Someone who, if you are a regular listener of the Savage Lovecast, you probably already got her books on my recommendation and you've heard me quote her a million times. New York Times bestselling author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, recognized her. Here on this episode of Lovecast and everywhere else is one of the most insightful and original voices on modern relationships.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
In addition to writing her bestselling books, Esther hosts the hit podcast, Where Should We Begin? And is about to wrap up her sold out national tour evening with Esther Perel. Esther, how are you?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Tied to what you're here today to talk about, which is your new online course, which launches in September. And we're going to talk about that in a second. But really quickly, maybe I have a brand new listener today who hasn't heard me talk about You, about your books, Mating in Captivity, The State of Affairs.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
There's something that you said once that just struck me, and it's one of the things I repeat all the time to listeners and callers. I just wanted to unpack it with you really quickly, if we could, before we talk about The Art of Desire. And that is, the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I don't think there's anything that you've said that landed with quite the boom that that did. Because the way we have been socialized to understand somebody touching somebody else with their genitals is that guy or that woman is the bad guy. And if everything we need to know about the problem in this marriage... That tells us everything that we need to know.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And that simple statement of yours, recognizing your years of experience, couples counseling, working with couples in crisis about infidelity, that the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage. How did you come to that? And when you first said it, I think during your TED talk, did you feel like you were going to blow people's minds?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
New court filings revealed that Matt Gaetz, not a drag queen, a MAGA congressman from Florida, attended drug-fueled sex parties with a 17-year-old girl. There's the Diddy stuff that I haven't even begun to dive into. And then there was the CNN scoop about Mark Robinson. I talked about him at the top of the show a couple of weeks ago.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
One of the things I love about your work is how nuanced and complex you can allow relationships to be. And when there is an affair, there is this impulse to look to, if people are willing to look past the affair and look at the relationship, to pathologize the relationship. If everything was going great, if these people loved each other, if this was a healthy, functional relationship...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
An affair would not happen. You wrote a terrific piece, cover piece for the Atlantic Magazine, why happy people cheat, I think was the headline. And one of the things you addressed was the existence of people who are happily married, love their partners. They're not the victims of contempt or neglect or betrayal in other forms besides sexual ones. And yet they had affairs.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
He's the family values conservative who doesn't think there should be any exceptions for abortion except one for his wife and who thinks porn should be illegal but spends five nights a week in video booths at the back of porn stores for years and years. Remember that guy? Frank Bruni summed up CNN's report in the New York Times like this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
They cheated on partners, that they had monogamous commitments, that they didn't want to hurt and don't want to leave and do love. which seems an almost impossible thing for people to wrap their heads around, except if people sit down and read your work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
The narcissists and the serial adulterers and the like scalding unforgivable betrayal that can't... All of that. It can't be anything but an attack and a desire to destroy your spouse. But this, I think, is something I wrestle with and what I do all the time is that people have this impulse to have an affair for their own reason, to assert their individuality, to feel alive.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And the way we've structured marriage and relationships and commitment, those things are in conflict.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
But how do we build marriages so you can have commitment, intimacy, but also have those adventures that make you feel alive? And of course, people in open relationships that are functional and some open relationships aren't, they seem to be straddling that divide or have resolved that tension. Right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Turns out Robinson frequented a pornographic website where he called himself a black Nazi, praised slavery, and boasted of various sexual proclivities and quirks. About those quirks, Bret Stephens, also writing the New York Times, said, I don't even know if we're allowed to discuss them in a family newspaper.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
that people who've made monogamous commitments and can't conceive of outside sex as anything but illicit or a betrayal can't quite do or get to.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Yeah, yeah. Well, when I'm listening to you, I'm thinking about something else that you've written, which is to desire is to want, and in the context of a long-term committed sexually inclusive relationship, the paradox or the problem is how do you want what you have? It's hard to want what you have. And I think there's this need in all of us
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
to be wanted by someone who didn't promise to want us all their lives, to have our desirability, our independence, our individuality affirmed, even if there's no acting on it, which is why you recommend, I recommend, For people in monogamous relationships, good flirting, good jealousy, to see your – you describe it in Mating Activity.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
When you see your partner through the eyes of another who is desiring your partner, who may be hitting on your partner because they didn't look for the wedding ring or they don't care about the wedding ring, but you know your partner is going home with you, that that can revive – your ability to see what's to want your partner again, to want them back.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And I do think that that's a powerful drive that we don't, we don't know what to do with, in committed monogamous, successfully exclusive relationships. Like how do you allow for your partner to want to be wanted by someone whose job it isn't to want them and make space for that and trust that you're not going to get cheated on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
There's no fair proof in your relationship, despite all the books you may have seen in the self-help sections.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Let's just say this is yet another case of self-declared morality being at variance with actual behavior. I'm not going to address at great length Robinson's comments about being a black Nazi, about how he would join the clan if the clan took black members, about how he wanted to see slavery come back. This is the man Donald Trump endorsed, calling him a modern day Martin Luther King.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
The gift of embracing that anxiety and living with it and living with the existential howling void of it is it really does solve for something else that threatens relationships, which is being taken for granted. That's right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
If you know your partner can leave at any time, could fuck anybody else at any time, then you know that you kind of, and I say this to people and sometimes it makes people mad at me, you have to earn your partner every day.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Okay, gay men, I think it's time. I think we need to stage an intervention for all of our straight girlfriends. I came to that conclusion after reading about the affair of sorts between New York Magazine star political reporter, 31-year-old Olivia Nuzzi, and 70-year-old anti-vax brainworm sufferer, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I think there's something fundamentally transactional about all relationships and you pay in in an intimate, loving, committed relationship with time, attention, affection, prioritization, sex, you pay in. And to earn all of that back from that person, you can't take them for granted or take what they're bringing to you for granted either.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And so if you just embrace it, like, yeah, they're free to go at any time. And so I don't want them to go. And so I'm going to show up for them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I think your band is going to get signed. We've been talking for such a long time. We haven't talked about what you're here to talk about today, which is your new online course, where I actually think we may have a point of difference or contention here that we could unpack a little bit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Robinson, for his part, called Martin Luther King on that porn website, Martin Lucifer Kuhn. No, I'm going to leave that aside and drill down instead on the Barians. CNN, which broke the story, and the New York Times, and every other news outlet couldn't bring themselves to quote at length from Robinson's posts on that porn site because they're family newspapers and family news networks. Well...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
So when you do couples counseling, you're a psychotherapist, you work with couples, there have to be couples who come and sit down in front of you where you know, you can tell instantly, one of them doesn't really want to be there, but it feels like they have to be there, that they have to go through the motions, that this is what is required of them, expected of them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
It makes them a good person, that at least they're willing to show up and try to do the work, but they're not doing the work. Is that not also...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
version of that couple is going to come to this course where one person is done with sex doesn't want to have sex or doesn't want to fuck the person that they married anymore after 20 years and what they're told by the sex and relationship industrial advice complex is that you can get that spark back if you just communicate but what you can't communicate if you're the person who just doesn't want to fuck that person that you married 30 years ago anymore you can't say that
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
No, you don't. Yes. You're saying it through your behavior and saying, I don't know why this is a problem. Like the sparks gone out, but there's not going to be in some cases on the part of both parties, a good faith effort to, to do this work. There's going to be the going through the motions on one person's part because we've been together 25 years. It's terrible. We're not fucking.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
We should be fucking. And we can get the spark back. There's a million books in the relationship self-help section about getting the spark back. And where I've come to lately is like, I think what we need to say in addition to like, here's how you can get the spark back is for some of you motherfuckers, it's not coming back. Now what?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Companionate marriage, open marriage, divorce, and everything that entails. Everything you are as a married couple after 25, 30 years is not just we fuck and we got married. We fuck with rings on. That's not what a marriage is after decades and decades and children and mixed finances. It's all those other things.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And so if it's going to be a sexless marriage, how do we in the sex and relationship industrial advice complex who really do –
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
This ain't no family podcast. If you are listening in the car with your kids, and I kind of wish you weren't, you might want to skip ahead. If you're eating lunch, you might want to put that sandwich down. And if you suffer from intrusive thoughts, you're going to want to skip ahead for your own sake. Here we go.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
elevate this idea hold up as a goal like getting you two fucking again how do we identify those couples where that's not just going to happen ever especially help the one who still wants to fuck their spouse who doesn't want to fuck them get to a place where that marriage feels healthy and functional and loving and intimate again even if the sex is never coming back because the spark is out permanently i actually am completely aligned with you but i have done this
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
This comes up all the time in Savage Love, where one person wants to not be a cheating piece of shit, wants to be ethically non-monogamous. A sexless marriage, like haven't had sex for a decade, and goes to their partner and says, obviously I'm committed, I'm not going anywhere.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I'd like to have permission to discreetly seek sex outside the relationship because our relationship isn't sexual anymore. And they get, no, you made a monogamous commitment. You signed a, I guess, sex life mutual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
A monogamy commitment imposes on both sides. The assumption is I will meet your sexual needs and only I will meet them, but I will meet them. But when you're done meeting them, people do have it in their head that monogamy in a sexless marriage means that you don't get to fuck anybody else or get to fuck ever again if I don't want to fuck you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
That you have this power to unilaterally declare someone else's sex life over if they were fool enough to make a monogamous commitment to you. And these are where I get in trouble sometimes with my readers because my catchphrase is do what you need to do to stay married and stay sane. in that context.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Like if you go to them and try to do the right thing and get the okay and you don't get the okay and it's still sexless and it's not something they want to work on, they don't want to take Esther Perel's Art of Desire course with you. I think you're freed from that commitment and you're allowed to take care of your needs.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
This is Mark Robinson, Family Values Conservative, GOP nominee for governor of North Carolina, born again, saved, evangelical Christian. This is Mark Robinson writing on the porn site Nude Africa. The piss thing is more common than most people think. I have a fuck buddy that loves to lay on her stomach, spread open her ass, and have me piss all over her asshole and pussy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Can you get that from someone you've been married to for 30 years?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Esther, thank you so much for coming, for demeaning yourself by coming on my dumb podcast. I really appreciate it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I loved chatting with Esther Perel and we went on for a lot longer on the Magnum version of the show. She took a call with me. We talked about when relationships become police states, the difference between sex and eroticism and so much more. Subscribe to the Magnum for one month and you can listen to my entire interview. with Esther Perel.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
You can also binge as many magnums as we've ever made, including, of course, this one with Esther, for just eight bucks. And if you like it, you can keep subscribing or upgrade to a year-long subscription for cheaper at savage.love. Check out all Esther Perel has to offer, including her courses on Desire, her fabulous podcast, and her books at estherperel.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Oh my God, I'm in such a hurry. I don't even have time to record this ad for Squarespace. But that's exactly why I need and use Squarespace. Because if I had to build and maintain my own website, I'd be even more of a harried mess than I already am. But whoa, deep breath. I don't have to worry about my beautiful website. Because I'm already using Squarespace, so I've got time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I'm going to slow down a bit. Start a completely personalized website with the new guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint. You choose from a professionally curated layout and styling options to build your own online presence with your own special sauce. And if you're trying to make some money, you can sell exclusive content on your site by adding a paywall to sell memberships or courses.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
and pay later with Afterpay and Clearpay. It's so easy. Head on over to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
The longer and hotter the stream, the more she loves it. It goes on from there. It gets worse. I am not going to read the whole post. It's on Twitter. Easy to find if you want to read the whole thing. I want to move quickly on to the most telling thing Mark Robinson posted on that porn site. But first, and for the record,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
No gay man, off-grinder particularly, goes into a first-time same-sex experience for a bicarious guy with an expectation that there's going to be a ring on his finger a week later. Most gay men who would be up for that, and they're your situation. There's not just gay guys out there who would be chill about that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
There are gay guys out there who would be psyched to be your first dude, the first dick in your mouth, the first dick in your ass, or the first ass you buried your dick in. There are gay men who... live for that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I do not have a problem with people who want to piss on or in their sex partners so long as their sex partners want to get pissed on or in. I have a problem with people like Robinson who don't practice what they preach in public. Robinson condemns gay people and trans people. I'm not going to play another clip of Robinson shouting in front of a church filled with his Republican supporters.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And so you need to disinhibit around your marketability, your desirability, and be as honest with anybody that you might wanna hook up with as you were with that one guy who reacted so positively. And yeah, you're probably gonna have to do this on Grindr. I have a friend who went to a big party this weekend where he observed that nobody picked anybody up at the party
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
But the next morning he talked to a bunch of his friends who all went home and then got on Grindr where they recognized people from the party that then they hooked up with later. Yeah, that is kind of how the dick is had for a lot of younger people these days. You don't walk up to people in person and talk to them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Everyone should read Leo Herrera's book on analog cruising and get better at this again. Even if you met them in public, you get on Grindr later and then you send them your dick pics and talk about what you'd like to have happen. you might suck at it. You'll definitely suck at it. Give yourself permission to not be great at it the first time and you'll feel less anxiety.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And no guy is going to expect you to be the best cocksucker that they've ever had their cock sucked by when it's the first cock you've ever had in your mouth. The fact that it's the first cock you've ever had in your mouth is some compensation for the possibility that the blow job won't be as good as the blow job that guy's gotten from other guys who've had a million dicks in their mouth.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And it's not nothing as compensations go for a lot of guys, that would be pretty exciting. So yeah, you're how old are you? It's in here in my 32 years old. You've been bi curious for a decade. I get it. I remember first time I saw it, I was 16 years old.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I was a nervous wreck right before, during, right after I probably wasn't that great at, well, actually I was told I was pretty good at it anyway. Yeah. Give yourself permission to be bad at it. Be honest with the guy that you want to get with about how inexperienced you are. Any guy who doesn't want to be your first. is going to decline to be your first.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
If they know they're your first guy, then you're going to have to pick through the guys who would be psyched to be your first or your second and meet up with them. And you know,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
One thing you might have to let go from all of your previous sexual encounters, relationships, being with women, is this idea that you've gotten into your head that what women want to see if there's going to be a sexual encounter is that there's a possibility for a relationship there. That even that first sexual encounter is a step toward that relationship escalator.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
That's not what guys are looking for on Grindr. You don't have to worry about getting into bed with some guy who's secretly hoping that you will marry him. No guy off Grindr meeting up with a 32-year-old bi guy who's never fucked a guy is thinking about the wedding. They're just thinking about the dick. Time for listener feedback.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says Compass, I so enjoyed listening to John and Maria. My husband and I are not into BDSM, but we do like to share each other with others. Not a frequent experience. Once every two or three years. That works for us. Cheers, though, to a lovely couple.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Please, Dan, more interviews with those who have made their shared desires work for them. I really like what are you doing? Well, Compass, you'll be glad to hear then that we are planning to do more what are you doing's in the future. Says Jonathan, I've got to say I'm not convinced that a vasectomy wouldn't change the look slash taste of cum.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I promised Nancy I wouldn't do that to you again. So I'm going to quote him. There's no reason anybody anywhere in America should be telling any child about transgenderism, homosexuality, any of that filth. And yes, I call it filth, says the man who pisses on assholes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I understand the argument from low percentage by mass or volume, sure, but salt or hot sauce are low percentages of a dish and omitting them changes things recognizably. But, says Applescruff909, as somebody who has ingested both pre- and post-vasectomy ejaculate, I submit that in my experience, the flavor did not change.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And finally, ByDanFan, after listening to last week's intro where I mentioned that Christian conservatives used to fear that boys with long hair would turn other boys gay, ByDanFan said long-haired boys had the opposite effect on her. We could remind the Christians that boys with long hair have stopped me from being a lesbian. All right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
For more listener feedback of The Print Variety, check out Struggle Session every Thursday where I respond to listener and reader comments and post a letter that isn't going to make it into Savage Love, the column, and let my subs give advice. And now, drumroll please, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
we're gonna leave it there we've got three ways for you to get us your questions or comments for future shows you can record your question or comment directly onto our website at savage.love slash ask dan or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email your question or comment to q at savage.love or you can call our landline and leave us a message at 206-302-2064
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Hump is halfway through its fall tour. This weekend, you can catch Hump 2024 Part 2, 25, brand new, never seen before, amazing, hilarious, sexy, shocking Hump films. You can catch the show in Seattle, Albuquerque, LA, Missoula, Madison, and Toronto. If you can't make it to a theater or Hump isn't coming to a theater near you... You can stream Hump online at home.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
In a shocking turn of events that anybody who was paying attention to sex scandals over the last 30 years could have seen coming, Mark Robinson loves himself some trans porn. quoting from a post of Mark Robinson's On That Porn site, I like watching tranny on girl porn. That's fucking hot. It takes the man out while leaving the man in. Yeah, the post concludes, I'm a perv.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Go to humpfilmfest.com for tickets to a screening or to get streaming passives. And while you're there, click on Submit a Film to find out how you can get your dirty little movie with my Dirty Little Movie Film Festival Hump. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow Esther Perel on threads and Instagram at Esther Perel Official.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Check out her website, EstherPerel.com, where you can find her books and her podcast, Where Shall We Begin? Also on all podcast platforms and learn more about her new online courses by clicking on courses. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at Risk Youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week with an installment of the Savage Lovecast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Now, we still don't know exactly what Mark Robinson was doing at the back of those porn shops and those video booths where he spent five nights a week for years and years. And I will admit that when the news broke that there would be news breaking about a Mark Robinson sex scandal, that's what I expected to find out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And I expected to find out that he was sucking dick back there because that's what people go into those video booths to do. We have no proof of that yet. But this detail, that Robinson loves trans porn because it takes the man out while leaving the man in, And by that he means leaving the dick in. Solid circumstantial evidence that Robinson likes dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Now, most of the time, gay men and straight women are in agreement about who's hot. Chris Hemsworth, for example. Gay men and straight women all agree, hot. But there are guys out there that only straight women think are hot and they're usually not great guys. Guys like Vince Vaughn. I assume he's a lovely person.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Straight men, straight identified men watch trans porn for the dick. They like dick. They don't like men. Trans porn in a way trans washes dick. It gives them dick, girl dick, without giving them man attached to that dick. Similarly, straight identified men who sit in video booths at the back of porn shops They want dick. They don't want dude.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And the dicks that come through the holes in the walls? Glory hole wash dick? Not attached to a dude either. Disembodied floating dicks. Oh, and now we know that when Mark Robinson called Michelle Obama a man, he was rubbing one out. Michelle Obama a man? Mark Robinson wishes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
What we have here in Mark Robinson, besides another Trump endorsement designed to make Trump look like a sober statesman by comparison... is yet another case of a man externalizing internal conflicts.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
When someone's professed morality, as Stevens put it, is in conflict with their behavior, they can either reassess their morality or they can loudly condemn others for enjoying the same moral transgressions. Like all those preachers out there that we've covered over the years who railed against the filth of homosexuality before they got caught with rent boys sitting on their faces.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Amazingly, Robinson's scandals, plural, aren't disqualifying for the GOP base. Biden was forced out for being too old, but Robinson was not forced out for being too much of a perv as he described himself. Indeed, all those family values conservatives, and I can't believe I still have to call them that, are rallying around Robinson.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
The revelations were greeted with shrugs, reports the Washington Post by Republicans in North Carolina. The real winner in all this? Congressman Mark Green, Republican of Tennessee. You haven't heard of him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
He's the chair of the House Homeland Security Committee and he's getting a divorce from his wife of 30 plus years because, sigh, the family values conservative, had an affair with a much younger woman in Washington, D.C. and fell in love with that woman and is leaving his wife for that woman.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
His wife said to Politico, he pushed God out of his life, me out of his life, and developed friendships with other congressmen, having affairs and getting divorces, drinking parties, all while holding a weekly Bible study in the basement of our home. The green sex scandal, with its overlapping layers of hypocrisy, would have dominated the headlines for weeks.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
He is a powerful Republican congressman and a towering hypocrite. But it just can't compete in the world Donald Trump has created. Trump has defined deviancy down, exiled decency from the Republican Party, and here we are. So congrats to you, Mark Green. You won the week.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Vince Vaughn starred in a string of hit comedies in the 90s and early 2000s and straight girls made him a sex symbol and they have never taken responsibility for that or apologized. Gay men, of course, we never thought Vince Vaughn was hot. We have nothing to apologize for on the Vince Vaughn front. 37 different straight women had sex with Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
All right, coming up on today's show in the free-for-all micro savage love cast, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me on the micro and the magnum, the great Esther Perel is in the house. She is the psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author of Mating in Captivity and State of Affairs. She hosts the hit podcast, Where Should We Begin?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And she's here to talk with me about a new online course she's launching this week to help couples get that spark back. Esther and I talked about a lot, the difference between sex and eroticism, infidelity, when relationships become police states, forgiveness, and whether some couples can get that spark back, and a lot more. A lot of my convo with Esther is on the micro.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
You're going to get a lot of Esther on the micro this week, a lot of the guests. But to hear all of my conversation with Esther Perel, you're going to have to become one of my subs by subscribing today at savage.love. All right, let's get to that first call.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
This episode of the Lovecast is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website, blog, or online store. Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the makers of my mattress and your next mattress. Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. This is their best offer yet. It won't last long. Go get your new mattress. With Helix, better sleep starts now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Dipsy. Dipsy is an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women. Get an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
while he was married to his first wife, who sadly committed suicide after finding the list of other women who found her husband irresistible. And now Nuzzi has nuked her career for him. She was placed on leave from New York Magazine after the affair she was having with Kennedy, the affair of sorts, whose campaign she was covering at a time seemed to be boosting, was discovered. Look, I get it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Everybody who heard your call, everyone who listened to your question wants me to say just one thing. Don't fuck this guy. Don't reward this bad actor with your pussy. Don't throw good pussy after bad dick. Yeah, you met up with him when you dumped him and confronted him. He seemed genuinely sorry.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
It's not actually that hard to seem sorry when you're not and to offer somebody a bullshit half-assed apology for the sexual assault. Many jurisdictions now, stealthing is sexual assault now. And he didn't even offer to Venmo you money for half of whatever the plan B cost. So I doubt he's sorry. And so, yeah, you should not fuck this guy ever again. You should not fuck this guy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
His bad acts should not be rewarded. But you should probably go ahead and fuck this guy. If I were you, I would probably fuck this guy so long as his assholery could be contained. Part of why you felt so violated when he did this first time is you were exploring the possibility of a relationship. And you were hoping this person whose dick was in you cared about you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And by removing the condom, he telegraphed that he cares way more about his dick than you do. And he won't even take responsibility for the horrible thing he did with his dick by paying for half the plan B or all the plan B or arriving with plan B in his backpack or whatever. The dick must be amazing. The sex must be really good.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
If you want to use someone who used you and you want to contain that or you feel like you can contain that, your feelings aren't going to get involved forever. I can certainly see doing that. I have certainly done that myself. You're going to make sure that condom stays on. Okay, you're going to need a stapler to make sure that condom stays on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And this person has, this again, now I'm arguing against fucking this guy. He telegraphed you in that moment that he doesn't care about you, cares way more about his dick, that he will prioritize his own pleasure, that he will commit an act, in many jurisdictions again, of sexual assault.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
so that he can come inside someone who consented to sex in the condition that he wear a condom and not come inside them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
after hearing a few more of your stories about your performances and this club and other venues more open to attending, but I wouldn't push it right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You say you can respect other traditions, other cultures. All right. Can you respect... another tradition, another culture to the point that you never meet this guy's family. You respect his culture and those traditions enough to be his side piece forever, which is kind of what I think would happen here. You say you want something serious. You say you want a commitment.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
In an odd twist, the father of the student, Clifton Carmack, statutorily raped, was himself arrested. because he knew about the affair his son was having with his math teacher and didn't report it to the authorities. In yet another bizarre twist, child marriage is legal in Missouri.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I'm guessing after four months you weren't sending him funny marriage memes without an ulterior motive, but like, You were dropping a big hint there. And then the conversation went in a direction where you found out that this guy that you've been seeing casually for four months is married and has a kid. I don't know what the beginning of your relationship looked like. Was it casual?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You say he's getting his PhD and he has a side hustle. Maybe this was in his mind and, and he assumed it was also in your mind, a casual thing. And he didn't necessarily need to disclose this because he wasn't interested in anything serious. Wasn't available obviously for anything serious. And it turns out you want something more serious. And I sometimes joke about, not a joke.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I mean it laying your kink cards on the table at around six months. Well, here you are four months in and he laid his wife and kid card on the table. You say that he told you he's not sure he's going to get a divorce. Also not sure about whether or not he wants to give his marriage a shot.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
He's told you he's never lived with this woman or even been in the same country with this woman, but somehow they were together at some point long enough for him to impregnate her and And at this point, this tipping point, I'm beginning to think, not sure he's going to get a divorce. That means he's not going to get a divorce.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
That he may be now telling you what he thinks you need to hear to continue to date him, to see him, to hang out with him. And so respect for other cultures and traditions is great, but you also have to show, have some respect for what you want. out of a relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And it seems pretty clear you're not going to get what you want out of a relationship from this guy, who at the very least is going to be seriously encumbered for the rest of his life. Do you want to be with somebody who is supporting a family on the other side of the world if indeed he stays with you on your side of the world?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And if he doesn't divorce this woman, he can't marry you, and then how does he stay on your side of the world? I think to protect yourself, you need to look at this as a cultural exchange. You need to look at this as potentially a successful short-term relationship and enjoy how much more time are you willing to invest in this guy? You know yourself better than I do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Can you stop making an emotional investment in this person and just enjoy time and attention and someone to hang with and the dick? Until you meet somebody else.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I mean, if he's got a wife on the other side of the world, I think you should be free to date other men on this side of the world in case one might come along who wants what you want, which is a serious commitment and not a secret second family. And to be clear, you will be the secret second family. This episode is brought to you by Field.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
A bipartisan attempt this year to end child marriage in Missouri failed to make it out of Missouri's state legislature again this year. So in Moe, at the Moe, a parent can consent to their teenage child marrying an adult, which is not okay, but a parent... can't consent or even turn a blind eye to their teenage child having sex with an adult. Also not okay. Make it make sense, Missouri.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
It seems like so many of my listeners are talking about and using Field these days and with good reason. Field lets you have control of your matches, not some creepy algorithm. Field is an app where curious people come to connect. On Field, you have the breathing room to explore your own desires, free from gatekeeping. Here's what that looks like. You decide who and what you like.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Sifting through an avalanche of likes is exhausting. On field, you can filter your likes based on preferences like sexuality, desires, gender, and age. which makes it so much easier to cut straight to the likes from like-minded people. No algorithmic gatekeeping on Field. The only person who can determine what you like is you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
To honor the complexity of human desire, Field presents you with all options and leaves you in control of your experience. No pressure to swipe. If you happen to skip someone's profile, you can always ask to go back or undo your dislike at no extra cost. and you can bring your people along.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Field's new Constellation features lets you link profiles with your friends and lovers, so new connections will see who you are within your social context. Start a group chat and find your people with your people. There's no limit to how many times you can change your sexuality, desires, interests, or gender identity at Field.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
In fact, 62% of Field members evolved their sexuality, interests, and desires within their first year on the app. Whether you just moved to a new city and need to find a new community, or you're traveling and looking to meet new people, you can find a new bestie at Field. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
If you've been wondering about Field because you've heard so much about Field on this show from callers, not just from hosts, I, Dan Savage, recommend that you finally give Field a try yourself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Make it make sense. All right, another don't. You probably don't want to go see, if you're not me, the new production of Sancta, currently playing at the Stuttgart State Opera House, directed by Austrian choreographer Florentina Holzinger. It
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I have to reject one of your premises. You keep discussing a polyamorous relationship as if that is somehow antithetical to a committed relationship or the opposite of a committed relationship or not a committed relationship. A polyamorous relationship. with this woman that you describe as your partner. That is a committed relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
It's just not a sexually or emotionally exclusive relationship. So it doesn't sound to me like you have commitment issues. It sounds to me like you and this woman whose dog you killed are in conflict about your preferred relationship model. You want an open relationship, you want a polyamorous relationship, and what she wanted at the start and you were unable to give her
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
was a monogamous relationship. And so she, even though she's the one with another partner and you've only had a couple of flings, I guess, a couple of pieces on the side here and there, even though she's exercised her right as the partner of someone in an open polyamorous relationship to have another partner, it's not what she wanted.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And now, now that you killed her dog, you use a lot of passive language, like the dog passed away, you killed her dog. now that you've killed her dog out of her mouth comes being with you feels like being with an abuser, which is, you know, you would never tell someone to stay with an abuser. If that's how she feels, she should obviously end this relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
But the next thing out of her mouth seems to be based on your accounting of the exchanges that you've had with her after you killed her dog seemed to be that you owe her the monogamous commitment that she wanted all along. Or wanted at the start because you killed her dog.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
During the first two performances of the nearly 100-year-old opera about a nun, 18 audience members required medical attention after fainting or experiencing extreme nausea during the production, which, according to news reports and reviews, many of them very positive.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And I'm sorry, I don't want to say this about someone who's grieving the death of their dog at the hands or car of the person that they love. But that seems to me emotionally manipulative. That seems to me slightly opportunistic. Unless, you know, to be a little bit more generous, what she might be saying is right now while she's grieving,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
the death of her dog that you killed, she needs to be your sole focus.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And if that's the conversation that she wants to have and you're leaving that out, I don't see why at this moment you couldn't come through with, particularly as you don't have another partner, centering this relationship for, I don't know, the next three months, six months, while you work through the pain and the guilt and the grief and the horror of the death of her dog. at your hand's car.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
That seems to me, if that's the ask that she's made a reasonable ask, but if it's a gambit now, you know, if she settled for polyamory and it wasn't what she wanted and she's instrumentalizing the death of the dog or leveraging the death of the dog to get you to make the commitment you didn't want to make in the first place, well then obviously this relationship isn't going to work out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
But if what she wants at this moment is for you to temporarily focus all of your energies, emotional and sexual, on each other as you process the death of her dog, that's a reasonable ask. And you could maybe, and I think you owe her that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
But if what she's asking for is what you didn't want to give her in the first place, what you couldn't give her because it's not commitment you can't do, it's monogamy you can't do. What she's asking you for now is the monogamous commitment that you didn't want to make and conflated somehow with an inability to make a commitment at all.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Well, then obviously this relationship has tragically run its course and you're going to have to end it. We all have sleepless nights sometimes, and let's face it, if you are not having a little insomnia right now, you aren't paying attention. But at least I have, and you can have, the most comfortable place in the world to toss and turn, and that is my Helix Sleep Mattress.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection, that's ours, the newly released Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Features like all of Holsinger's productions, an all-female cast, and in this case, a live piercing on stage, unsimulated sexual intercourse, also known as just sexual intercourse, aka actual fucking, naked nuns on roller skates, and tons of blood, fake and real.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix Sleep Quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes, and your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And with their 100-night sleep trial, you can try it out, try out your new mattress, see how your body adjusts, and if you decide it's not the best fit, you're welcome to return it for a full refund.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
They offer models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side, or models with more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support for stomach and back sleeping positions, plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. Unlike a lot of mattress companies out there, Helix owns its own manufacturing facility.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Each and every Helix mattress is made by a team of skilled manufacturers and shipped directly from their facility to your door. And right now, Helix is offering my listeners 20% off all mattress orders. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. With Helix, better sleep starts now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
joining me to help tackle this question, because why not? Des Bishop is a touring comedian whose newest special, of all people, is out now on YouTube. Hey, Des, thank you for coming on the show. Oh, it's great to be here. Lovely to virtually meet you. I saw your special and wanted to have you on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
It's hilarious because despite your very heteronormative material, very heteronormative material that you do, you gave some really great sex advice, period sex advice for young men, straight men on handling rejection, advice on navigating casual hookups for guys with one ball. You are a straight dude, a tall, good-looking, straight white man. So...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Mercifully, unlike some other shows directed by Holtzinger, her production of Sancta, an opera about a horny nun who asks to be walled up in her convent for her sins, this production of Sancta doesn't feature as previous productions directed by Holtzinger did, quote, fresh excrement, close quote.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You would know better than I how best to surprise a straight dude with a sex move.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Or a fundamentalist Mormon compound kind of marriage. Like, how do you surprise the polyamorous straight dude with two girlfriends?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I get this question a lot and I kind of hate it where people are like, tell me a thing to do. Give me a sex assignment that'll blow my partner's mind. And my first thought is always shit in his mouth. I bet that would surprise him. He won't see that one coming. Tell him you wanted to rip you and then shit in his mouth. There's no surprise.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Like you can't just ask somebody else to assign something to you to do to your lover that will work for them. Like I, you know him better than me or Dez does. You can make a better safe guess about what he might like if it's not shitting in his mouth and bust that move. Like I can't actually help you here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You don't want to traumatize him. You don't want to pick off a fingernail in his butt or something.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
That is good advice to like one up to go like one step further on themes that have already been incorporated into your erotic dynamic to like push things a little further rather than hit them with something from left field because you just never know what's going to work for someone or what's going to traumatize someone.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
The show, which premiered in Austria earlier this year, has been accused of insulting the Catholic Church and Catholic sensibilities.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
That's what he's watching. When they say he likes to watch, he means them. Yes. Like he's already winning here. Like how many cherries on this Sunday does this one guy get?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Or maybe he's got a weak heart and they're in the will and they're trying to induce that heart attack by shitting in his mouth. By busting a move that he did not see coming. Yeah, people ask me this question all the time. Like, assign me a sex toy. And it's like, I'm sorry, I can't. do that, like a vibrator is like the basic first rung. But people are like, give me something crazy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And I'm like, well, sex toys are subjective. Like a roll of duct tape for some people is a sex toy. For most people, it's a hostage situation if it's being applied to a human being and not a sexual situation. And so I can't just like... give people random sex act assignments or kink assignments or sex toy assignments. It's got to be what works for you, works for your partner.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
One way we keep things positive and upbeat at the top of the show every week is by talking about the do's. What to do, where to do it, who to do it with, or with whom to do it. But this week, we're opening the show with some don'ts. Don't fuck your students. I'm talking to teachers here, but if you are going to fuck your students, I guess do be pretty and do be straight and...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
But as Holtsinger, who won't cast dancers that can't urinate on cue, as she told The Guardian, her production of Sancta is, quote, "...an exploration of the kinship between Catholics and BDSM practitioners, two groups that, again, quote, share a belief that joy and pain are intimately connected and those who suffer will find redemption."
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And ladies, you know him better than Des or I do. What do you think will work for him? That's one level up like Des says.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I love it when listeners and readers of my column jump into the comment threads of my website and let us know how it played out. So ladies, let us know how this plays out. DM us pictures. Des and I will keep them private. I will share the comments. Doesn't, does only. But you know what?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I bet they want their comments shared with the world because this is one of those calls where people are, you know, maybe it's a genuine question. Like I said, I get this question a lot, but it's also like a kind of look at me question. Like, look at us. We're winning here. And you guys are. You are.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
One thing that came up in your show that surprised me, because your whole intro, the beginning, your affect, like the straight white dude, tall straight white dude, you go after the straight ladies for their heightism, which is you being an ally to short guys because you're a tall guy. So thank you for your allyship on behalf of short guys everywhere. I'm also a tall guy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You talk about a finger in the butt and like not a lot of straight kind of white dudes your age would feel comfortable admitting to any anal penetration in their comedy special. Why did you go there?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I'm not accusing you of joke theft. That is a joke I made in Savage Love, my column, like 30 years ago. That straight guys, at least then, I think straight guys are more evolved now and able to experience pleasure now in ways that straight guys, when I first started writing Savage Love, weren't.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
They thought there was a switch that could be flipped in their butt and they could accidentally turn themselves gay if somebody put a finger in there and bumped into that switch, which is, of course... not how it works.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I am not going to be in Stuttgart during the run of Sancta at the Opera House, but if I were, it would be a do for me. If anyone out there listening saw the now sold-out production in Stuttgart of Sancta, please give us a call and let us know what you thought. And finally, the biggest don't of the week for young straight men out there. Don't take dating advice from Stephen Miller.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I'm really grateful to say that I get the question, is my boyfriend gay or am I gay from straight guys who discovered they like butt stuff or like their nipples played with a lot less than I used to get that question.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And if he's comfortable enough with butt play and doesn't think it's going to accidentally make him gay because there's a button in his ass that's the gay button, then she might think it makes him gay because. Yeah, well, that's it. You know, and then send me a letter. Is my boyfriend gay? My boyfriend has to think that he's gay, right? Because a straight guy couldn't want that ever.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And it's not true. You say that you're a butt guy in the show. You say you're not a ball guy. And it's a hilarious bit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
bit and a hilarious story that you share and you know what we're not going to talk about it i'm going to tell people that if they want to hear you're not a ball guy story they need to go watch oh they're special on youtube now and it is worth it it is fucking hilarious um and a little maybe a little traumatizing what you're sharing there. Yeah. Yeah.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
That's Bishop's new special of all people out now for free on YouTube. He co-hosts the podcast burner phone with his wife, Hannah burner, who wants a kid, which I guessing comes up a lot on the show you host with your wife.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Well, great. Thank you, Des, so much. I really loved your special. You're hysterical. And don't be self-conscious about it being very heteronormative. We want comedy clubs to be safe spaces for heterosexual people too. Thanks. Thanks so much. And thanks for having me. More of my conversation with comedian Des Bishop is on the Magnum.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Become a Magnum subscriber right now and hear it all at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Miller is Donald Trump's most odious advisor, which when you look at the people who surround Trump is really saying something. Miller was the architect of Trump's family separation policy, a stain on our country right up there with Japanese internment camps.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
So you're literally contemplating breaking up with your girlfriend of 10 years and to avoid hurting her feelings by being direct about the fact that her personal hygiene habits are slipping for some reason. Do you see how crazy that sounds? Don't you think if you were her, it would hurt more for the woman that you've lived with for 10 years, who loves you, who thinks you're lovely?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
To break up with you? To leave you? To avoid having an awkward, honest conversation that might have hurt your feelings? Look, you've tried gentle suggestions. You've tried light inquiries. You've tried playing clue. Professor Plum in the conservatory with the tooth floss. You gotta stop. You gotta be direct. This is why...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
As people age, people in long-term relationships, people in marriages tend to live longer and remain healthier over time than single people because there is someone there to say, hey, stop complaining about X and go to the fucking doctor already.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
There's also someone there when it comes to personal hygiene practices to say, hey, I have noticed you have stopped flossing, stopped brushing your teeth regularly, and this doesn't just impact you. And if you were single, it wouldn't matter, but like your breath stinks and you got to go floss and brush your teeth. We will go do that together.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And stop with the gentle suggestions about maybe we could possibly think about one day before we get into bed, taking a shower together, perhaps. Doesn't that sound like fun? And say to her. You stink. I've said that to my husband and he hasn't left me. And my husband has said the same thing to me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Sometimes we can't smell ourselves and we need someone to look at us and say, oh my God, you need to go brush your teeth. And that person isn't going to be a coworker. It's not going to be your employer. Ideally, it's not going to be a neighbor. It's not going to be hopefully somebody on the bus. It's not going to be. a telegram from the president on your 100th birthday, it's got to be who?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And Fox News host Jesse Waters, who thinks there's something gay about using a straw to drink a milkshake because you gotta suck, had this exchange with Miller when he was on his show earlier this month.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
It's got to be you. It's got to be the significant other. It's got to be the person that you love and live with and rely on to look out for you and to look out for what's best for you, which includes flossing and brushing your teeth. Your teeth all don't rot and fall the fuck out of your head, which includes saying things like,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Hey, you need to go take a shower because I really want to be close to you. And this is getting in the way. Your butt stinks sometimes. All our butts stink sometimes. I'm sure my butt stinks sometimes. You can soften the blow by saying this. I'm sure sometimes I stink. And you know what? If I stink, you can tell me. I want you to tell me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
If I stink and I didn't realize it and I need to go jump in the shower, but I am right now telling you that, and I'm going to keep telling you that. So fuck gentle suggestions, fuck light inquiries, fuck playing clue. Start laying it down. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment thread at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Says PB5KJ, to the woman whose husband wants to explore jerking off with guys and maybe an MMF threesome, she should read former Lovecast guest Jane Ward's book, Not Gay, Sex Between Straight White Men. It's a fascinating eye-opening look at men's interests in and need for sexual contact with other men, no matter how they identify.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
By Danfan weighed in on whether sending a plus one on a wedding invitation to somebody you know to be polyamorous is polyphobic. Speaking as a poly person says by Danfan, if you are in a triad and everyone in the triad knows the couple, then the triad is the equivalent of a couple for the sake of a wedding invitation. But most polyamorous relationships are not triads.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
If I have more than one partner and receive an invitation with a plus one, I would pick the one who knows the couple best. Every additional person costs the couple, inviting you to their wedding, money is what a lot of people seem to forget.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And finally, says Crin Reads, to the caller whose queer son objects to his mother reading MM romance novels, as someone who is an avid reader of queer romance by all different types of authors, there is definitely a subset of straight female authors who are writing fetishizing or objectifying MM romance novels.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And they are doing it because there is a subset of straight female readers who are buying it. Okay, Crenn reads, point taken, but seems to me, even if every MM romance novel written by a straight woman for other straight women fetishizes or objectifies gay men, where's the harm?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
It's not like these straight women are going to treat the gay men they date as objects because gay men aren't going to date them. And a woman who reads MM romance novels, probably less homophobic on average than a woman who doesn't.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
So while I see how this might be cringe, and we all know how sensitive teenagers are to cringe behaviors, particularly coming from their parents, I don't see how it's a problem. All right, for more listener feedback and to try your hand at giving some advice yourself, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
where I respond to listener and reader comments and post a letter that isn't going to make it into Savage Love and you get to give the advice. And now, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and listeners get the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Well, let me give advice to any young man that's out there. I'm married now. I have children, but I wasn't married that long ago. I was single. I was in the market. If you're a young man, it's very important in election season who's looking to impress ladies, to be the alpha, to be attractive. The best thing you can do is to wear your Trump support on your sleeve. Show that you are a real man.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And we're going to leave it right there. We've got three ways for you to get us your questions or comments for future shows. You can record and upload your question directly onto our website at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline like it's 1999 and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Hump 2024 Part 2 screens in Baltimore this weekend at Creative Alliance before heading to screenings in New Orleans, Vancouver, and Palm Springs the following weekend if you need something. Take your mind off the news, the election. An evening of sexy, funny, kinky short films will do just that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
For tickets to a Hump screening near you or to get streaming passes and watch Hump in your very own home, go to humpfilmfest.com. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow Des Bishop on Instagram and threads at Des Bishop. His new comedy special of all people out now and available to watch for free on YouTube.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You can also hear him co-host the podcast Burner Phone with his wife, Hannah Burner. And a very special thanks and shout out to the popovers for the intro music, the theme music we play each week here on the Lovecast, as well as the outro music you're listening to right now under my voice. Tim, we still love you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at-risk youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week with an installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for tuning in.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Show that you are not a beta, right? Be a proud and loud Trump supporter, and your dating life will be fantastic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Okay, first, no one is getting text messages from women who are horny about Stephen Miller. Those women, those text messages do not exist. Matadors? Sexual matadors? What's a sexual matador? A matador frustrates, torments, and then kills a bull, right? So I'm not sure what a sexual matador is supposed to be, but it's definitely someone women would run from, not toward.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And I'm sorry to be the bearer of, I think, good news. Being a loud and proud Trump supporter, if you're a man, isn't going to get you laid. Wearing your Trump support on your sleeve, per Miller's advice, will only result in you having a fantastic dating life if your idea of a fantastic date is an evening at home alone with your phone in one hand and your dick in the other.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And I have data to prove it. According to a new poll from Generation Lab that surveyed 1,000 American adults between the ages of 18 and 34, fully 45% of women would not date a man who voted for Trump. Only 17% of women would be willing to date a man who voted for Trump. And dating is about odds.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And in a sexual marketplace where your actions and beliefs are repulsive to almost 50% of the people you might hope to date and only attractive to 20%, Yeah, you are not going to do well. As Matthew Iglesias put it, Matthew Iglesias, writer, sub-stacker, big stats and trends guy, young men should know that if you vote for Trump, you're basically never going to get laid.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
This is an alarming trend that we've noted here on the show before. More and more young men are supporting Trump. More and more young men are identifying as Republicans. while more and more young women are identifying as Democrats and liberals and progressives and supporting Harris. The gender gap that's always been there, Democrat, Republican, is now a chasm.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And increasingly, young women won't compromise. They won't date young men who vote for adjudicated rapists like Donald Trump, which is going to result in the short and long run in more unattached, unmoored, single young males in our society, which is dangerous and destabilizing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Do be a woman and do be fucking your students in the state of Missouri.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
As sociologists and political scientists have long observed, single males with no romantic prospects are easily radicalized by populists and authoritarians. Which is why Stephen Miller is going on TV and encouraging young men to do exactly what will ensure they never get laid per Iglesias.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Still, I hope, I do hope, young men backing Trump take Miller's advice and wear their support for Trump on their sleeves. Hell, I want them to staple those red hats to their heads. Because that way, young women who don't want to date Trump supporters, most of them, most young women, will be able to see those Trump supporters coming. Oh, and the election, two weeks away, two weeks from today.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
That's the lesson I'm drawing from the case of Haley Clifton Carmack, who used to be a math teacher at Lekay High School in Lekay, Missouri, until she got caught having sex with a 16-year-old male student and got caught using other students as lookouts while she was having sex with that 16-year-old male student, who she marked up by leaving deep scratches all over his back.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
If you're in an early voting state, please vote now if you haven't already. And while we're on do's and don'ts, do vote Harris, do vote blue, no matter who. Don't vote for Trump. Don't vote third party because that's also a vote for Trump. And voting for Trump, the ultimate don't. All right, on the show today, tons of your cues, lots of my A's, and our guest this week, comedian Des Bishop.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
We talk about his new stand-up special, sex moves that might surprise a straight man like him, straight guys into butt stuff on the receiving end, play parties, and so much more. There's a little of my conversation with Des on the micro for all of my convo with Des, and ad-free shows and invites to Savage Love Live and more perks. Become a Magnum subscriber right now at savage.love.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
All right, let's get to that first call. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the very best mattress designed with your comfort in mind. Right now, get 20% off a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Clifton Carmack was arrested and prosecuted, but somehow she's only facing three months in prison. I'm thinking a male teacher, gay or straight, who had done the same and, like Clifton Carmack, had fled the state to avoid arrest. Yeah, that math teacher would have gone to prison for a lot longer than three months. For the record, 16 is the age of consent in 30 U.S.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I'm really glad for you that you found this outlet burlesque and that dancing and becoming a part of the burlesque community and meeting some people who are out and by and non-binary helped you find the courage to tell your husband something that that you'd known all your adult life, that you're bisexual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
But listening to your call, I just... awakens the social conservative in me, or just the conservative in me. I'm not a social conservative, not at all. Because I just kept thinking about whether this is the right time not to...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
have your own individual passionate pursuit of dancing and burlesque, but to force this issue with your husband around public sex, around opening up your relationship, around you wanting to go to the sex club, not as a performer hustled into the green room and then onto the stage, but as a client, as a guest, as an attendee of a sex party,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Because you have an infant, you have a one-year-old a year, nine months ago and change you and your husband decided scramble your DNA together and have a baby. And so the stakes are really high here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
It's not just about you and not just about your husband, not just about you two as a couple, as a going concern, but you two as parents who have taken on together consciously the awesome responsibility of seeing this kid through to self-sufficiency. Having an infant, I think it's a really great opportunity
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
statement about who your husband is that he and you two together have made the time for you to go out there and Do burlesque and get back in touch with your body and I think it's great. I think it's really imperative for parents even new parents not to lose their sense of themselves and their individuality in their identities as Parents, I think it makes parents better
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
calmer, more confident, loving, and attentive parents to their children when they still have some time off alone or together. But an infant, a one-year-old, you're still in that really high pressure, high intensity relay race stage, right? of parenting where this kid is with one or the other or both of you at all times.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And one or the other or both of you together need to be paying attention, taking care of the kid. And it's like a baton that's constantly being passed back and forth. And it's really stressful. And so I just, I worry for the kid that if you march in there and give your husband the speech, I want to eat some pussy. There are some sexual adventures that I want to have.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
But I want to go on together with you, including going to this place that you just told me you're kind of squicked out by. Even if there's a low probability of that conversation ending in a kind of relationship extinction level event, that low probability is still a high consequence, potentially. So I would encourage you to slow your roll. Next year and a half, at least. So the kid's a toddler.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Now, particularly as you have the kind of husband who steps up and does his fair share, hopefully his equal share of the child rearing, and to the point where you have nights off to pursue this passion of yours, credit to your husband, credit to you, but you not take that for granted. And you wait a bit. You wait until it's not too high pressure. And then...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
states, but it's 17 in Missouri. But even if that student of hers had been 17, it would have been a crime in Missouri regardless, as it is a crime for teachers in Missouri to fuck students. And by law, the student's consent, even if they're 17, cannot be used as a defense. Nor can the parent's consent.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You can say to your husband, who may have marinated on it a little bit. A lot of people, when it's not their idea, you know, a kink, a place to fuck, a thing to do, will have an instant, ooh, no, I would never.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And I encourage people when somebody lays their kink cards on the table and they're not your kinks, not to say no, which kind of sex negative culture teaches us to say, no, not for me, not the thing I want instead to say, Oh, cause you don't know how you might feel six months or a year down the line after you've thought about it. And so, yeah, maybe a year from now, your husband will be like, Oh,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
bald, have a shaved head, but have this option and don't feel like you have to lie or you're hiding anything from anybody. You're just rocking a wig every once in a while, a great wig.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
When you want to feel a little bit more feminine, when you want that, you know, to catch yourself in the reflection in the mirror or a plate glass window passing by and today you want to see hair, you can make that happen for yourself. But you got to pivot to a kind of Radical self-acceptance. What other option do you have but to love yourself?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And the world is full of people whose bodies over the course of their lives have changed, who've lost their hair, who've gained weight, who've lost weight, who've put on muscle, who've lost muscle, and have learned to love and accept themselves and the bodies they're in now. You fell in love with yourself when you had hair. You felt confident and sexy when you had hair.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
You can fall in love with yourself all over again. Just own it. Own it. Own baldness like Cynthia's owned it. Rocking it. Sexy hot and it's a choice she made. And it might help if you got on Instagram for five minutes and just looked at all the hot daddies, some masked, some with that femme sizzle, who are all over social media rocking their shaved heads.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Some of them shaved by choice because they like the look. Some of them wanting to make that look like a choice they made when it was imposed on them by genetics. But rocking it and you can rock it too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
A lot of people had never even heard of her, which is the exact same fate that awaits Nancy Mace. All right, backing up. For those of you who don't know Bryant's story, who don't know how Anita Bryant came to be the most famous and powerful for a time homophobe in the United States.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Consciously, intentionally seeking out co-parenting opportunities? Dating people because they have kids? Because you want to be a presence in the life of a child or a whole bunch of children? Seems a little... Creepy. Gotta say, it just seems a little beside the point when it comes to dating. You date people if you're open to dating people with kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Maybe that means sometimes you date people with kids, but you don't want to be somebody else's kid heat-seeking missile of a girlfriend. Like, the presence of a child is a... is a complication and it's something that needs to be handled with great care because the interests and emotional wellbeing and security, emotional and otherwise, of that child has to be the first priority of the parents.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
and it is not best practices to introduce your child to your new girlfriend at eight weeks because at eight weeks you don't know if your new girlfriend is somebody that you're going to want to be with over the long term at eight weeks your new girlfriend doesn't know if you're someone she's going to want to be with over the long term which as you discovered you did not want to be with him over the long term and so you don't want your child forming emotional bonds with
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
an adult who makes them feel, who tucks them in, who gets some presents, who makes them feel safe and secure, who may then exit their life abruptly if, as most new relationships do, this relationship runs its course. And, you know, dating is a discovery process. Dating is a process of vetting and getting to know somebody.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And to put the positive spin on it, where you're trying to get to know if, like, you guys work together and if this is good and it can last. But what you're also trying to know is, like, is there anything here that... means this isn't going to work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
In 1977, Dade County, now Miami, Dade County, passed an ordinance banning discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. Anita Bryant, a former first runner up in the Miss America contest and a famous singer and kind of a good one. She was at the time the spokesperson for the Florida Citrus Commission, and she lived in Dade County.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
So you're accentuating the positive, hopefully finding out a lot of good things about your potential partner, but you're on the lookout for the disqualifiers and the deal breakers and the reasons not, the reasons why this can't work. And what you discovered, this guy who talked to you and experimenting with poly a couple months in is that he's not polyamorous. He's
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
a collector he's a mormon patriarch and fucking poly sheep's clothing or something a mormon patriarch wolf and poly sheep's clothing and he just wants a harem and yeah you didn't think he had the bandwidth for three girlfriends or a wife and two girlfriends and parenting responsibilities and i think that's a reasonable thing to think that is too much and you weren't comfortable with it and didn't want him to and he did anyway so fuck this guy and you had to break up
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
All right, setting all that aside, should you remain in this child's life? In your case, probably yes, but not because you have any right to remain in this child's life after having a brief relationship of eight months with this child's father who was reckless in introducing you to his child so early and allowing you and his child to bond.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
If it was just about him and his kid, no, you don't belong in this child's life. But if his marriage is ending and you and his soon-to-be ex-wife have become close, have become friends, well, then you could still have a role to play in this child's life, which is mom's friend. And, you know, complicating factor, dad's ex.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
But your connection to this kid, if you're going to have a connection to this kid going forward, is going to be through the mother. And you would need the consent of the parents or a parent to play any sort of role. in this child's life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
You know, if you'd been together with this guy for a couple of years, if you'd gotten married, if you were really, you'd stepped into that stepmom role in a significant way. Yeah.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Then I think you should assert yourself in saying it's, uh, you know, our relationship is ending after two years, five years, 10 years, but I have a parental bond now with this child and I'm not going to abandon this child just because our relationship is at an end.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
But a few months in, less than a year, God, you shouldn't have played this in such a way where exiting this child's life could potentially make this child feel insecure or rejected or harmed or not wanted.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And so, yeah, because you bonded and because you have a friendship with the mother, yeah, you should probably stay involved in this child's life so long as it is something the mom is comfortable with in addition to something the child wants.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
If you're thinking about dating somebody else in the future who is already a parent, what you need to tell this person at two months is I really think you're awesome and I really look forward to introducing you to my kid or kids after we've been together a year at least. because I'm not going to risk my kid's sense of security and safety.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And I don't want, while we're still getting to know each other to complicate our relationship by you forming a relationship with my child. Yeah. So yeah. What you want to look forward in the future, if you're going to date people with kids is that they don't introduce you to their fucking kids eight weeks into the relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Bryant, a fundamentalist Christian all her life, was outraged and led a campaign to have that law, that anti-discrimination statute, repealed at the ballot box. Now, instead of saying breakfast without orange juice is like a day without sunshine in commercials for Florida orange juice that ran on TV constantly, Bryant was on TV, on the news every night, saying this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And if they try to introduce you to their kid eight weeks into the relationship, and from the sound of things, shift parenting burdens and responsibilities onto your shoulders, that's a red fucking flag. Somebody you're dating for six weeks, a month, a couple months is like, I want to introduce you to my kids. You're like, oh, you do? Okay, this is over. We're done.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
That's how you handle dating people with kids in the future. And I just want to say, I'm sure there are people out there who are going to point to this question, to your question, as an example of the kind of chaos and drama that polyamory and non-monogamy can create in people's lives and how that chaos and churn can impact others like kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Yeah, yeah, this is a good example of that particular kind of chaos that non-monogamy can create. But there are plenty of people in monogamous relationships, serial monogamists, who do this exact same thing. They have one partner at a time, and they bring that person, that new partner, into the lives of their children, and they have a lot of churn and drama, and yet they are monogamous.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
So monogamy, non-monogamy, neither protects us from churn or chaos or piss-poor judgment. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep. Against all odds, I am sleeping pretty well these days. How can this be possible for an admitted insomniac like me? It is because I have learned to shut off my phone and I lay down every night on one of my Helix mattresses. Yes, we have more than one.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And even on those nights when I can't get to sleep, it feels really good to be there on top of my Helix mattress. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection, that's ours, the Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix Sleep Quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes. And then your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And with Helix's 100-night sleep trial, you can try out your new mattress, see how your body adjusts to it, and if you decide it's not the best fit, you are welcome to return it for a full refund.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Helix offers models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side like I do, or models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions. Plus, they have enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night, which is very important for me because everybody I sleep with...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
are people who turn into furnaces at night, and I need that help from Helix to keep from overheating myself too. Right now, Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free dream pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. helixsleep.com slash savage. With Helix, better sleep starts now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Homosexuals cannot reproduce, so they must recruit children to freshen their ranks. I was 11 years old that summer, and I already knew about me. What the boys had said about me my whole life, what I'd angrily denied even before I understood what I was denying, it was true. But no one had ever touched me. I had never been molested. I hadn't been seduced, only accused.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
diagnosis of neurodivergency, a self-diagnosis of being neurodivergent, is not a get out of fucking absolutely everything free card. It doesn't relieve somebody of the burden, the reasonable expectation that they will attempt to meet their partner's reasonable emotional and social needs. And I say that as somebody who is very deeply introverted.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
I am awkward in large groups of people unless I have a job to do. I used to get invited to this annual Christmas party at a restaurant I used to work at. And if I had to sit there at the table with everybody, I was a mess. And so I would go and wait tables at this place. I used to wait tables at the Christmas party because if I had something to do... I was comfortable being in this large group.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And so I feel for your partner. I don't know. I've never been diagnosed as neurodivergent, but I get it. I get why he may have felt uncomfortable accompanying you to this big event to celebrate whatever that accomplishment of yours was. And you wanted him there for you at that moment and he couldn't be there for you. And you were prepared to break up with him because you had decided that
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
and I'm quoting you here, no amount of communication is going to create a relationship where both of our needs are going to be met. Okay, well, that stands. That can still be true, even if the ways in which he's incapable of meeting your needs stem back or are tied to whatever it is that makes him neurodivergent and prompted him to self-diagnose as neurodivergent. That's not a trump card.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
That doesn't end the conversation. You are not now trapped in this relationship because leaving him would mean discriminating against him about something that he has no control over. People leave people all the time for reasons tied to something that person has no control over because whatever it might be, is resulting in the relationship not being satisfying, not working for you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And somebody doesn't get to turn on their heel and say, you're about to break up with me because I'm an introvert, but I'm an introvert because I'm neurodivergent. You are no longer therefore allowed to leave me ever. You have to spend the next 50 years with me. And you're not allowed to ask me to do anything about this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
You're not allowed to ask me to try to make any changes or get help or work on this because I self-diagnosed as neurodivergent. So I win. No, that's not how relationships work. And if he wants to be with you, you're allowed to say, these are my needs. This is what I need from a romantic partner. And I've invested two years in this relationship. And maybe we can get a little bit closer.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Maybe if more of my needs were being met, or I saw you making an effort to meet more of my needs, I would feel safe, content, seen, cared for in this relationship. And then nobody gets everything they want out of a relationship. No one gets every need met. And if I was getting enough and some effort to meet a little more, maybe I'd be content and want to stay, but right now I don't want to stay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
So let's go talk to a therapist who has some expertise in this neurodivergency area. And let's get you to somebody who can actually is qualified to diagnose neurodivergency and figure out what the fuck it actually is. And if there are ways in which I can relate to you differently, that'll bring out, uh,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
My dad agreed with Anita Bryant. He agreed. Homosexuals recruited children. He went a little further. Homosexuals weren't just a threat to children, but to the economy, to our way of life. because homosexuals didn't marry and didn't have children themselves. So that meant homosexuals didn't buy washing machines and refrigerators. I remember vividly when he said those exact words to my mom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
of you, some of what I need from a partner to be in a relationship, if there's ways I can function differently in this relationship that accommodates what makes you special, maybe we can make it work. But as it stands now, it wasn't working for you. And him saying the magic word neurodivergent didn't turn it into a relationship that works for you or obligate you to stay in the relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
The leverage here is the threat to leave. And he may need help if he thinks he's neurodivergent in some way and he's never had any help with it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Your relationship with him now could be the incentive he needs to go and get help that may help him understand himself better, help him relate to other people better, help him maintain and sustain the relationship he has with you or maintain and sustain a relationship he has with somebody else if your relationship should end.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
which it still could and you are allowed to end this relationship if you need to. Somebody can be neurodivergent and fail to meet your needs and you are still allowed to go.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
We're going to take a quick break from your calls to speak once again with Claire Perlman, a queer Jewish certified sex therapist who lives and works in the Bay Area. She's passionate about creating accessible sex education and normalizing play, pleasure, and sexual freedom for everyone. Claire, welcome back to the Lovecast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Hi. Hi. I wanted to have you on today of all days to record for tomorrow of all days after. Because a terrible thing is happening right now while we're talking. And sometimes terrible things, world historical political events that are deeply, deeply shitty can tank a person's libido, can crater a person's libido.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Some advice for folks out there, particularly I think women and other people who are assigned female at birth watching this, that man take the oath of office again. Some advice for people who are struggling to literally or figuratively get back on the stick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
I can't easily access a lot of memories from my childhood that aren't prompted by photographs from my childhood, but I remember everything about that moment when my dad said that. It is indelible in the hippocampus. I am sitting in the backseat of my parents' Chevy Nova with my siblings, staring at the armrest.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Yeah, I keep thinking he's taken so much from us and occupies so much mental space, emotional space. I don't want to give him this too. I don't want to not fuck because I can't stop doom scrolling, whether I actually have my phone in my hand and I'm doom scrolling, or it's just my thoughts racing away from me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
There's something very... Even if you have to will it to get back in the groove, there's something that... makes you very present if you're having a sexual encounter and it takes off, like you catch momentum, you catch that wave, you're aroused, you're clicking with your partner.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And I just think there's something, especially right now about good sex, good fucking consensual sex, sex with people that want to have sex with you, that you want to have sex with is a way of sort of taking sex back from the Hagsworths. And I'm not even gonna say his fucking name on today's show. That other guy who just got sworn in for a second fucking term.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Good sex is something that they are not capable of. Consensual sex, respectful sex, wanted sex. And it helps me at this moment to feel like good sex is an act of defiance. Not a distraction, but defiance. And we need to defy it all the ways we can.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
I'm going to trot out the HIV AIDS epidemic. I lived through it. I came out in 1980, 81. Yeah. And then the meteor hit and it was horrible. And, you know, ACT UP happened and just this wave of activism and people taking care of each other.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And one of the things that drove them crazy, the right-wingers, the religious conservatives, the Jerry Falwell seniors of the world, was they would watch us at a demo and then they would hear about, or we would post, you know, we would share photos in newspapers and magazines because there weren't internet then, of the dance party after. And that we were still fucking.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Because they wanted us on the floor in the fetal position, too beat down, too depressed to connect. Not just politically, but also sexually and intimately. And we didn't let the virus take that from us. So just like a message to people out there who feel crushed by this moment. I couldn't have felt more crushed in 1985 by the AIDS epidemic than I did. And we fucked our way through it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And it was one of the ways we took care of each other was by still connecting intimately and as safely as we could.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Get some IUDs, get some M&Ms, the abortion medications. You can order them and just keep them. They're good on the shelf for five years. Get some morning after pills. Stock the fuck up, not just for yourself, but for friends who might be living in states soon where it's going to be impossible to get these meds. Stock the fuck up now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
trying not to look like I'm listening and thinking to myself, my dad thinks I'm a child molester. It made me doubt his love. And if I'm going to be honest, it still does. To this day, there is still this tiny doubt. That's how poisonous Anita Bryant's campaign was. It was also successful. Anita Bryant's Save Our Children campaign was
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And I have Mipha Pristone and the other one. We have M&Ms that we got so that if we ever had a woman friend, relative, niece who needed it, that we could swoop the fuck in. So that's the theory. We've gone through like the theory of why you should be fucking just a little practical.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
If you're having trouble, like, you know, turning the key, getting the motor to turn over, what's a practical thing a person could do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
I do too. I also sometimes think – you know, there's the, the two chief erogenous zones, like the clitoris, the head of the penis, but there's all sorts of other erogenous zones that can kind of function like turning the key. Yeah. The biggest sex organs between our ears, but how do you get your dick in there? That can function a little bit like turning the key in the ignition.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
We're just like, instead of like, we're going to fuck and like, we got to get our genitals to kick into gear. Just like, playing with each other's tits, like holding each other, but like the fingers gently moving across the nipples. And then if that's all it's going to be is like gentle nipple play to make you feel present and centered. Great. That's good.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
There are two wolves inside me this morning. One wolf is depressed. The other wolf, he's not happy, but he's trying to take the long view. And right now, long view wolf is saying to depressed wolf, yeah, Donald Trump is the president for now, but cheer up. Anita Bryant is dead and she's going to be dead forever. If you don't know who Anita Bryant was, lucky you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And then maybe like it'll spread and then suddenly you'll be fucking. And I just also want to remind everybody that, Sex is a great way to disengage and it's not a betrayal to disengage with sex or whatever else gives you pleasure. Asexual, ace people who I know listen to the show, whatever works for you physically, tactilely as well, is not a betrayal of the political moment to disengage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And you're better prepared to re-engage if your life isn't devoid of sexual connection and joy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
That's what the parties after the big AIDS demos were like. It recharged us. It was a way of venting a lot of the anger and pain and energy from that day's demo, but also it set us up for the next demo.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
It is impossible, really, I have found, to think about politics when somebody's sitting on your face. It's just impossible. Like they used to say about, you know, an execution when it's scheduled in the morning, it focuses the mind. Nothing else like it focuses the mind. The same is true of somebody sitting the fuck down on your face. It focuses the mind.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Agreed. Claire Perlman, queer Jewish certified sex therapist in the Bay Area. Claire, thank you so much for coming back on the show. Let's keep checking in with each other. Let's get through this and help our listeners and followers get through it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
It's going to be a rough four years, and I really want people to make time for the intimacy and connection that makes life worth living no matter who the fuck is sitting in the Oval Office.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
This episode is brought to you by Field. It seems like so many of my listeners are talking about and using Field these days and with good reason. Field lets you have control of your matches, not some creepy algorithm. Field is an app where curious people come to connect. On Field, you have the breathing room to explore your own desires. free from gatekeeping. Here's what that looks like.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
You decide who and what you like. Sifting through an avalanche of likes is exhausting. On field, you can filter your likes based on preferences like sexuality, desires, gender, and age. which makes it so much easier to cut straight to the likes from like-minded people. No algorithmic gatekeeping on Field. The only person who can determine what you like is you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Managed to repeal the anti-discrimination statute in Dade County. Didn't just manage to repeal it. It was repealed by a landslide, a 40-point margin. Bryant's campaign led to other anti-gay initiatives being filed all across the country, including the Briggs Initiative in California, which would have banned gays and lesbians from being teachers.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
To honor the complexity of human desire, Field presents you with all options and leaves you in control of your experience. No pressure to swipe. If you happen to skip someone's profile, you can always ask to go back or undo your dislike at no extra cost. and you can bring your people along.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Field's new Constellation features lets you link profiles with your friends and lovers, so new connections will see who you are within your social context. Start a group chat and find your people with your people. There's no limit to how many times you can change your sexuality, desires, interests, or gender identity at Field.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
In fact, 62% of Field members evolved their sexuality, interests, and desires within their first year on the app. Whether you just moved to a new city and need to find a new community, or you're traveling and looking to meet new people, you can find a new bestie at Field. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
If you've been wondering about Field because you've heard so much about Field on this show from callers, not just from hosts, I, Dan Savage, recommend that you finally give Field a try yourself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Your brother's just being an asshole. There's a tweet that goes viral. every year around Thanksgiving. And I'm just going to read it. My younger brother is trans. My parents have been horrendous about dead naming him and misgendering him. At Thanksgiving, I used an air horn to correct them. I fixed a two to three year long problem in two seconds. 10 out of 10 would recommend this training.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
method you could the next time you hang out with your brother particularly if your niece is present you could have an air horn in your pocket and every time he misgenders your niece his daughter and sons him or he hims him you press that air horn button and blast him You could fix it. Maybe it'll work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Nobody knows if this tweet that goes viral, if this is true or if this is just wishful thinking. 1010, I can't recommend it. I don't know anybody who's actually tried it. Maybe you could try it and give us a call back and let us know. your brother's just being an asshole. And he knows what he's doing. He's expressing his contempt and withholding his support.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And everyone believed the bigots would win that one too, because the bigots, like Anita Bryant, they were on a roll. But they lost. And it was the fight against the Briggs Initiative that brought Harvey Milk to national prominence. Today, he's on stamps. And Bryant, forgotten.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
I would, if your niece had called me, encourage her not to see her father or to see him less, to expose herself to this abusive treatment less. I'm not a huge fan of no contact. I'm a fan of minimizing exposure, but your only leverage over your family as an adult is your presence.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And if every time your niece makes herself present with her father, she is abused by your father in this way, she should stop showing up. When somebody says, I'm going to beat you up in the schoolyard at two o'clock, meet me there. You don't have to meet them there to get beat up on the schoolyard. And that's kind of what her dad is doing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And you should tell your dad it's contemptible and he needs to stop or he's going to destroy his relationship with his daughter, with his child. Now, when I hear about families doing this, it just reminds me of something that we gay people used to face a lot decades ago. And we used to talk about all the time, which was family members inviting, not bring your boyfriend to Christmas.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
We're in husbands yet. A lot of us were husbands emotionally, but we weren't husbands legally yet. They wouldn't say bring your boyfriend or they wouldn't introduce your boyfriend to other family members of friends as your boyfriend. It was if your friend wants to come, um, And it was just this way of holding us with tongs and desexualizing our relationships for their comfort.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Your brother is stripping your niece of her essential sense of herself or gender for his own comfort, but also to communicate to your niece his disapproval, which is part of what our families were doing when it was friend. I will acknowledge this is a friend of yours, but not
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
what this person actually is in your life, because I'm uncomfortable with what this person actually is in your life and how you live your life and who you are. fundamentally who you are. I'm uncomfortable with who you are. I disagree with who you are. And that's what we were getting when it was, this is Dan's friend.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And we yelled at our parents and we decided, you know, they would say, this is Danny's friend. And I would say, boyfriend, not quite an air horn, but I would, I would make it awkward. So make it the fuck awkward, make it awkward for your brother.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And if there's anybody else out there who faced this with parents, any trans listeners out there who faced this with parents, any supportive siblings or parents of trans kids whose other parent was being an asshole in this way, what did you do? Did you do the air horn?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
What did you do if you finally were able to bring that person around who was being an asshole to your trans kid or sibling or friend? What did you do? What did you say? What worked? All right, time for listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says no cute name.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Dan, in your conversation with Rebecca Wolf, you said Antonio Banderas is masturbating Nicole Kidman at the end of Baby Girl. I haven't seen the movie, but I assume the husband is fingering the character, not masturbating her, because by definition, masturbation refers to touching oneself. I would never say someone is masturbating someone else."
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
The headline for her obituary in the New York Times read, Anita Bryant, whose anti-gay politics undid a singing career, dead at 84. In addition to forgetting Bryant was alive, a lot of people forgot she was a singer. But she had gold records, top 40 hits. She was talented. That bitch had pipes. Actually, let's listen to something from her 1967 album that I own called I Believe.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
If hands are being used, I would say they are fingering if the other person has a clit or stroking if the other person is a penis halfer. All right. So when I masturbate, I jack myself off. But when I jack my boyfriend off, I'm only jacking him off, not masturbating him. Meaning follows usage. And a lot of people use masturbate the way I used it. But technically, no cute name is correct.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
However, it does call into question the common understanding of the... Sexual activity referred to as mutual masturbation, which encompasses not just two people sitting side by side and masturbating themselves, not just keeping their hands to themselves, but masturbating their partners too. Says Thingamajig about the mom who called in about their queer teenager.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Parents who call in, how about be more specific about your kids' particulars? Dan did his best to cover the bases, but queer teenager is a big category. And what a gay 13-year-old needs, for example, is probably quite a bit different from what a non-binary 19-year-old might need. I agree, Finger Majig. Yes, I could use more particulars. Queer is a vast and broad category.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Also, could I put in a word for people to stop using the word kiddo? I don't know why it bothers me, but it does. See, also, doggo, hubs, the pod for podcast, and nipple. Never liked that word? Just go with tit. But yes, helpful to know the flavor of queer we're talking about when we're talking about queer kids or queer adults. Finally, it says kindness is key.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
This is in reference to the caller who didn't find the romantic interest attractive because the romantic interest was too skinny. Something you said, Dan, got worded weird and it made it sound like the skinny gal would be to blame if she does have an eating disorder. But an eating disorder is not someone's fault. It is a medical condition. and psychological issue they can't control.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
I'm sure you know that, Dan. Just be more careful how you phrase things. Thank you. Kindness is key. I am going to have just be more careful how you phrase things tattooed in reverse on my forehead so I can read it every morning before I record the Lovecast. Thank you for your comments. Thank you for your feedback. Thank you for holding me. What's that word people like to use and overuse?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Oh, right. Accountable. And for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at savage.love, where I respond at length, sometimes great length, to listener comments and reader comments. There's a lot more about Baby Girl in the last Struggle Session. If you're still interested in hearing more about that film, go check out last week's Struggle Session.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And now, everyone's favorite part of the show, mine included, the part where I shut my big gay mouth, and my listeners, who always phrase things perfectly, get the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And we're going to leave it there. To get us a question or comment for a future show, go to savage.love slash askdan to record your question or comment directly onto our website. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at q at savage.love. Or you can call 206-302-2064 and leave us a message on our answering machine.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Thursday at noon, Savage Love Live, a special show exclusively for Magnum subscribers where I answer questions live. You can ask me live or you can get your question in for this show earlier and I'm likely going to answer it if you get it in early by going to savage.love slash events. And the official hump 20th anniversary after parties hosted by our friends.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
at Plura have been announced in Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco. Get tickets to the 20th anniversary of Hump and join us for the after parties by going to humpfilmfest.com right now. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at blue sky at Dan Savage. Follow Claire Perlman, relationship therapist on Instagram and threads at at Sex Clarified.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Follow Doc Chocolate on Instagram and threads at Doc, D-O-C, Chocolate, B-B-C. And check out his podcast, Bowls and Queens, wherever you get your podcasts. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at Risk Youth. We will all be back at you next week with another installment of the Savage Lovecast and another installment of Sex and Politics.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
How dare she. And joke's on her. The land we dreamed of was the gayborhood and the dream we dared to dream, getting married, having kids, buying a fucking washing machine and a refrigerator, really did come true. Wright recorded her cover of Somewhere Over the Rainbow again in 1967, long before she began her poisonous campaign against gay rights. And I think she did it on purpose.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Somewhere Over the Rainbow was already the gay national anthem in 1967, and the rainbow was already a symbol. The man who designed the rainbow flag in 1978, Gilbert Baker, insists he wasn't inspired by Judy Garland singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, but I don't believe him. Gay men in the late 70s were collectively going through one of our butchered-up, mask-for-mask, straight-acting phases.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Clones with mustaches wearing Levi's cruising the Castro. And being into Judy Garland was... Considered a little too feminine. Cringe, we would call it now. But the rainbow on that flag, like Brian's cover of that song, did not happen by accident. I bring Brian up today, of all days, because we fought her and we won. But we didn't win right away.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
The thing about the fight, even when you lose, the fight brings out the best in us. It helps us identify leaders. It helps us craft winning arguments. And fighting the fight puts us in people's living rooms. One of the things I saw on TV that summer, in addition to Anita Bryant saying the most hurtful, hateful, poisonous thing, were gay men and lesbians defending themselves.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
I don't want to put too much of a gloss on this moment. The next four years are going to suck. And they're going to suck worse if we let the news cycle and the man who dominates it drain all the joy from our lives. We need to pay attention. We need to fight the fight. But we need to spend as much time as we can over the next four years with friends and lovers doing the things that bring us joy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Anyone who tells you that making time for joy is a distraction or a betrayal has no idea what they're talking about. watching clips of the protests against Bryant. It's remarkable how much fun the gays and lesbians at those protests in the 1970s that I saw on TV when I was 11. It's remarkable how much fun they were having at those protests.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Sometimes I feel like a crazy person when I explain to younger gay friends that there used to be a whole class of people who were famous and powerful for being homophobic. It was usually a side hustle. Anita Bryant was a singer. Jesse Helms was a senator. Jerry Falwell Sr. was a pastor. But each was a professional homophobe. Attacking gay people brought them to national prominence.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And during the darkest days of the AIDS crisis, we buried our friends in the morning, we protested in the afternoon, and we danced all night. And it was the dance that kept us in the fight because it was the dance we were fighting for. It didn't look like we would win then. It didn't look like we would win marriage equality in 2004. But we did. Right now it doesn't feel like we can win.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
But we can. But only if we fight. And dance. And me? You know what I'm bringing to the dance and the fight? Both my wolves. All right, coming up on the show today, tons of your cues, lots of my A's. Sex therapist Claire Perlman is here. She joins us to talk about how we're going to maintain our libidos over the next four years.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And on the Magnum, we've got a what are you doing with former pastor turned porn star, Doc Chocolate. All of that coming up today on a jam-packed show. Let's get to that first call. This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the very best mattress designed with your comfort in mind. Right now, get up to 20% off site-wide plus two free dream pillows with a mattress purchase. Just go to helixsleep.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
There are still homophobes out there, but they're not as prominent as they once were. Anti-gay bigotry hasn't gone away and it never will, but it's not as lucrative as it once was. It doesn't have the purchase it once did. Anti-gay bigotry in the last decade has been eclipsed by anti-trans bigotry.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
Have you seen Wicked yet? I saw Wicked a couple of weeks ago. Loved it. And I bring this up because, as you probably noticed if you haven't been living under a rock the last few months, the stars of Wicked, Ariana Grande, Cynthia Erivo, have been out doing a press tour. And Cynthia Erivo, who is... delicate, feminine, but has a kind of butch glaze.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
She's got a shaved head and there's nothing about Cynthia Erivo that doesn't read femme, but femme in a powerful way. So it seems to me that if Cynthia Erivo can rock the shaved head look and still present femme, but with a butch glaze, that you should be able to do it too. That there's nothing about you having a shaved head that you can't
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
correct for, compensate for, balance out with other fashion choices or demeanor choices, comportment choices, behavioral choices where you're projecting your sense of your own femininity that your hair can't accomplish for you right now because your hair is going, if not gone. And I don't know how to sugarcoat that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
I wish I could send you some magic hair growing potions, but most of them don't work for most men. They can delay hair loss. They can't really correct or reverse it. Keep reading about and hearing about people going to Turkey. For some reason, Turkey is the world center of... hair transplant surgeries now. It's sort of a hair transplant mill in Istanbul.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And a lot of people get really good results, including somebody I know went to Turkey and has really good results from that hair transplant procedure in Turkey where they're experts at this. But it does cost a lot of money, less than these procedures might cost in the United States. But you got to accept what you can't for now change. And confidence is sexy. And
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
We are what we pretend to be, as Kurt Vonnegut said. And you can pretend to be confident. You can learn to love how you look with a shaved head by willing it. You can fake it till you make it. It takes some getting used to. It takes some time. But you can get there. I'm confident you can get there. And you can also play. You can play with different hat styles.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
And wigs, amazing wigs, really excellent wigs, they're not just for church ladies anymore. If you want...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
to have some hair pieces at your disposal where you can have different hairstyles at different times that you can you know do the baseball cap and the trucker look one day when you're feeling it and a day when you want to feel hair down the back of your head or falling across your forehead you have options you could get and it would be cheaper than getting on that plane and going to turkey to get that hair transplant a selection of wigs and just be be
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 951
The modern parallels to dead professional homophobes like Anita Bryant and Jesse Helms are live professional transphobes like Riley Gaines and Nancy Mace. Anita Bryant died more than a month ago in mid-December, but we didn't find out about her death until a week ago. A lot of people thought she was dead already. A lot of people, myself included, had forgotten about her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I used to limit myself to one or two male models with shaggy hair. If I stumbled over a new male model with shaggy hair I wanted to follow, I had to unfollow one of the two I was already following. But the pandemic broke me. I figured life is short and long hair is hot and now I'm following, I don't know, four dozen, five dozen guys, at least with shaggy hair.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
If you were going to be worried, what would you be worried about? You'd be worried that I suppose you two at a year have a monogamous commitment. So maybe the worry is that if they're alone together in a hotel room in Europe, they will fuck. And she's not his ex-wife. You said they never did the paperwork. They've lived apart for 25 years. Yeah, there's a risk.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
They could be alone in a hotel room in Europe and fuck each other's brains out. But how is that not a risk every day? They're best friends. They have adult children together. They are still in each other's lives technically, legally. They're still married to each other. If they wanted to fuck, they would fuck.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I mean, maybe being on a bike trip to Europe and staying in these hotels, maybe they'd catch some sort of groove and a rantic spark. Fuck for old time's sake. Yeah, I guess the odds are higher. So let's just directly address that worry head on. You've been dating this guy for a year. He has a complicated relationship or not complicated. He has a relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
His ex-wife is, or he's not his ex-wife, is he says to you, his new girlfriend, his best friend, Okay, maybe he fucks his best friend every once in a while. That sometimes happens. How would you feel if your relationship wasn't sexually exclusive? Address that anxiety and fear with him head on. You need to have a conversation with him about what it is that you're doing, what your relationship is.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And if you require sexual exclusivity, can you trust him to honor that commitment regardless of where his not actually ex-ex-wife happens to be at the moment? Yes, this trip will throw them together in a way that maybe daily life at home doesn't. And so it might up the chances of some let's rub one out together or fuck the shit out of each other. For old time's sake, it could up those chances.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And let's worst case scenario this. How would you feel if that happens? Would you feel so betrayed that you couldn't possibly continue in this relationship?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Okay, well, then maybe this guy isn't the right guy for you because there's always going to be this nagging fear in the back of your head that because of the intimacy he shares with his best friend, not ex-wife, that they could wind up fucking again at some point. And if that's really important to you that he not touch anybody else with his penis ever, especially her, then...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Maybe this relationship brings too much tension and anxiety into your life for it to be a good or healthy one. Also, I got to say, not to pour poison in your ear, but if she is his friend, best friend, they're not intimate. It's not a sexual romantic relationship anymore. Why couldn't you come on this trip? Has he introduced you to his ex-wife as his new girlfriend?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
have you had these conversations with him? If you say to him, like, look, I'm afraid you're going to fuck your ex-wife, but I'm hoping we have a sexually exclusive relationship. What does he say? He's like, oh my God, I would never fuck my ex-wife. The sex didn't work when we were together. Like what comes out of his mouth? And is it reassuring? Or do you feel like you're being played?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
If it's reassuring, maybe you could take him at his word. If you feel like you're being played, maybe you should end the relationship. And if you say to him, like, I'm a little confused. I understand you've been planning this trip for a long time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I was sort of hoping I might be able to go with maybe because, you know, it was already being planned when you met and to actually for you to go, he would have had to invite you after only knowing you for six months or seven months. And that felt too soon. Like if he said that to you, would that help you understand why you weren't invited?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
But in the future, you went on another trip like this with his ex-wife who is his best friend and not his ex-wife and Can't your girlfriend and your best friend spend time together, hang out together, bike through wine country in France together? And let him know that that's what you expect or hope in the future.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I lay the blame for my thing about guys with long hair and shaggy hair at the feet of or the split ends of all the shaggy haired pop stars of the 1970s that I imprinted on so hard during puberty. Peter Frampton, Jim Morrison, Jackson Browne, Andy Gibb, Leif Garrett, David Bowie even. And my God, have you ever seen a picture of a young Keith Richards? It's worth a Google.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You know, if you're going to have a relationship with him and he has a best friend, well, then you're going to have a relationship with that best friend too. And if you can't, or if it's weird, if you'd have a relationship with the best friend, well, that That's the problem. So, I mean, I can understand why he may not have invited you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I can understand why he may not have spoken to you directly and honestly about why it's not fun in a new relationship to say to somebody like, I'm still not sure about you. Like, I really like you three, four, five, six months in, but I'm not sure I like, like you enough for 20 days to alone together with all my other friends on a European holiday.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Too soon for that kind of invitation at six months. Maybe it won't be too soon at two years. Maybe the next time he goes on a trip like this, you will be included. And maybe hearing that from him now about this trip that you are being excluded from in ways that kind of make sense, possibly, if you think about it from his angle, will be more tolerable for you. Anyway, lots to think about.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
The person you talk about with these things that you're thinking about right now, him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I even had a crush, I am now prepared to admit, on Barry Manilow, the man who wrote the songs Mandy, Daybreak, Can't Smile Without You, Looks Like We Made It, Copacabana. I had a crush on young Barry Manilow with his soulful eyes and his blonde, shaggy-haired, floppy mullet. The Barry Manilow who did shows with Bette Midler and Gay Bathhouses in New York in the 1970s. That Barry Manilow.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You are not the first woman I've heard from. who went to their husband, asked the husband to open the relationship. Husband agreed on the condition that it was open on both sides. And because it's so much easier for women to get dick, because we live with a dick surplus at all times, than it is for men to get pussy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Mostly the fault for that can be laid at the feet of men who make it dangerous for women to be as impulsive sexually as men feel free to be impulsive sexually. The wheels come off the open relationship because the husband's watching the wife... get dick after dick after dick, and he can't get anything. He can't find anything.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And what's always missing from these calls, from questions like yours, is any indication that the wife made any effort to help the husband out, which you shouldn't have to do. You shouldn't have to do that emotional or sexual labor. He should get out there on his own and Find other sex partners on his own.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
That's something that he should be able to pull up his big boy pants and go and do for himself. But... It is harder for married men to find women who want to sleep with them than it is for married women to find men who want to sleep with them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And it is, if this is where the open, the agreement that you came to, to open the relationship is going to fall apart, if this is how the wheels are going to come off it, and you're going to have to shut it back down, which you don't want to do, or you're going to have to live with an angry, wounded, hurt husband, it's in your own self-interest maybe to assist.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You know, a lot of women are uncomfortable sleeping with married men because they think they, they assume they must be lying or, uh, well, that just, they assume they must be lying about being in an open marriage and it can help that guy convince women that he is indeed in an open marriage and that his wife approves and that he is a good and trustworthy guy, uh,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
If his wife is with him at the swingers event, with him at the play party, with him at the soft swamp, whatever, with him at the hotel takeover, your presence at your husband's side, which you shouldn't have to do. And again, I'm suggesting you might want to do it, not for him, for you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Other women will perceive that as an endorsement, as you vouching for your husband, which it sounds like you would be more than willing to do. You've had a great and healing sexual relationship with your husband over the decades. He sounds like a good and trustworthy guy. But a lot of women out there who might just... want some, want a piece of him, they can't know that for sure.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Anyway, all of this somehow brings me to my favorite follow on Instagram, Christian Nightmares, at Christian underscore underscore Nightmares.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And because men are testosterone-soaked dick monsters, it is dangerous often for a woman to sleep with a man on a hunch. But you there, at the play party, at the swingers event, at the hotel takeover, and I do think women in your position, couples in your position, might want to go to some organized swing events together
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Your presence could help your husband get more pussy, which would then make your husband feel a little bit more comfortable and less cheated or cheated on by you getting all the dick you want to get at this stage of your life. So look, I know women do more of the domestic labor, more of the childcare, more of everything. And adding this to your plate seems cosmically unfair.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
insult added to that injury hopefully your division of domestic responsibilities has been more egalitarian and fair and maybe you could wrap your head around doing this again I want to say for your husband but I also want to say for you because if he was a little more successful he would be a little less resentful of your success and that's petty and he should be able to let go of that
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
But it's hard. It's hard for people. There's something, after 20 years together, there's something sibling-y about even a marital relationship. And that sibling dynamic kicks in where mom gave you more ice cream than I got. And that shit is ugly and stupid, but it's there. And how do you diffuse it? You diffuse this little bit of marital sibling rivalry by being your husband's wingman.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
It's an account run by someone who was raised in an evangelical Christian household and now uses his various social media platforms to re-examine his fundamentalist Christian upbringing and expose the weird, to use Tim Waltz's wonderful word, the weird excesses and obsessions of evangelical Christians.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You could go Tim Waltz on their asses and just tell them to mind their own damn business and they don't need to know what's behind the secret door, but that might pique their interest. Look, you're adults. You can say to people, we have a sex room. You don't have to tell people what kind of sex you're having in that sex room.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
My God, there was a whole Netflix series with people building sex rooms with the help of an interior decorator and a contractor in their houses. I don't think it's that taboo or insane anymore. Especially for a gay couple to say, yeah, that's our fuck room. We have sex in there and it's private. And yeah, so that door stays locked. And then dot, dot, dot. They don't need the details.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
They don't need to know that you change each other's diapers in there. I got a question a couple of years ago from a couple of guys in Illinois, my home state, who have a giant dungeon in their house, but they also both have their parents living nearby. And their parents are really curious about why they can never go in the basement. And then they finally took my advice.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Actually, I responded to a letter from them in my column and just told their parents, it's our fuck room. And their parents lost all interest in seeing the basement. And the mystery was solved. Sometimes just knowing why you can't go in the room is enough. And it won't come as a shock to the people in your life to know that you too are fucking. They don't need to know what you're wearing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
They don't need to know about the binkies or the rubber pants. But that you're fucking and that you have a room dedicated to the fucking is enough. Often enough. And that doesn't work if you guys can't bring yourself to say even that. You could get a sliding bookshelf. You could disguise the door.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You could put a giant mirror on a track in front of it and make it look like a hall mirror that when you guys want to get into that room together, you just push it aside. People typically don't run through people's houses seeing if there are secret doors, moving bookshelves, sliding mirrors, and your secret and your playroom will be safe.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Christian Nightmares, says BuzzFeed, is the best place on the internet to find creepy Christian shit. Hashtag not all Christian shit is creepy. Hashtag not all Christians are evangelical weirdos. Hashtag not all Christians. Hashtag not all Christians are nightmares. But it was on Christian Nightmares that I learned that my guy, Barry Manilow, is possessed by the devil.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And I just want to also say, like, I'm so glad you guys found each other. used to be really hard for people with rare or niche kinks that a lot of people don't understand, like ABDL, to find partners. It used to be that people with rare niche kinks would date people that they assumed to be vanilla and would eventually have to have this conversation where they disclosed their kinks
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
My advice for them was always, you're not telling me I have leukemia. Don't roll it out like it's a tragedy. You're telling them that there's something interesting and exciting about you and you're open to hearing about what's unique or interesting and exciting about them, that these are not cancer diagnoses when you're going to tell someone about your kinks.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
It's Christmas morning and these are the presents. That's hard though. Like people would share their kinks and still get rejected. Now we have the internet. It's made it possible. I get these questions about how do I disclose my kinks so much less often now than I did
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
20 years ago, even 10 years ago, because the internet is the great disclosing of kinks machine where you're allowed, you're empowered to sift and sort through the world to find the people. If you have a really niche kink that's important to you, that's central in your erotic inner life to your erotic imagination to find other people who share it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
So you have that baseline and then you get to explore whether you're emotionally compatible, you want the same things out of life. And if you want to buy a three bedroom house and turn one of the rooms into a an ABDL nursery as you guys have.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
So you didn't say how you met, but I'm guessing that your relationship is one of those un undersung, not unsung internet success stories that we need to sometimes bear in mind because every day the news is full of internet tragedy stories. So glad you guys found each other. Tell people they're not allowed in that room for sex reasons.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
It sucks to even think about much less suggest as I'm about to that you revise the rules, the conditions that you laid down in your relationship and your sexually exclusive relationship to make space for or accommodate your partner's lies, their willingness to deceive you to get what they want, which I guess in this case was a kiss and a phone number.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
But if you want to stay in this relationship and you said you want to stay in this relationship, you said you love him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
you need to figure out a way to set rules and conditions for outside, not sexual contact, but sexual attention, affirming sexual attention, flirting, whatever, that don't become an engine of conflict in the relationship, that you don't lay down rules that your partner has already proven to you he can't honor. You could leave him, you could divorce him, you could go find somebody else who's
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Or he was at least when he sat down at his piano and recorded I Write the Songs. Christian Nightmares recently posted a clip from a Christian podcast where pastors gather to examine and expose the hidden messages in popular music.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
better at monogamy or better at obeying whatever rules and conditions you want to lay down for some limited amount of outside erotic, if not sexual contact. But if you want to stay with this guy, obviously he's willing to break these rules or likely to break these rules.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And so maybe if he's not going to go, if you're not going to get rid of him, if you're not going to go, maybe those rules need to go. The, you got to tell me about it. I'm not sure how that would be very functional if he's somewhere and he's about to start flirting with somebody, is he required to text you and ask for permission?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Or is it just that if he flirted with somebody at a work event or in a bar that he has to run home and immediately disclose that to you? And I would ask you in the past when he obeyed that rule and disclosed it to you, how did you react? Sometimes people say you can fuck around outside the relationship or flirt or whatever or grind on people on a dance floor. You just have to tell me about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And then when their partner comes home and tells them about it, they have a meltdown each time. And it really disincentivizes disclosure. So I would put it to you and other people who say it's all fine so long as it's disclosed. Okay, so when it's disclosed, how does that go? How do you react? Are you giving your partner the freedom to do this but then
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
retaliating against your partner when they do. And I don't know if you're doing any of that. I'm just speculating here based on a lot of other calls where there was this kind of, you gotta tell me about it rule. I'm not sure you have to tell somebody that you're in a relationship with if you're allowed
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
or not allowed even, everyone's entitled to his own erotic autonomy, that you flirted harmlessly with someone. This wasn't harmless flirting. This was the exchange of phone numbers. This was an opening that allowed him to contact this person in the future. He kissed this person, also not allowed. You have every right to leave his ass over this, to divorce him over this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I wouldn't divorce somebody over this. Somebody cheats on you once or twice in 50 years together. I think they were good at monogamy, not bad at monogamy. If somebody made out with somebody else in a bar once and then disclosed that to you, pretty good at monogamy, not perfect at it, but still pretty good. 10 years, pretty decent track record. But what is this rule breaking here?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
What does this violation tell you about this relationship? You told me that he lies to you all the time. Okay, that's on him, that's shitty, he shouldn't do that. If he can't obey these rules, if these rules aren't something that he can navigate within, then he should tell you, these rules don't work for me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I don't want to have to disclose everything, maybe in part because he reacted badly to disclosures in the past. Maybe he just doesn't want to. Maybe he just wants to feel that sense of himself as an individual and an autonomous individual and exist in that zone of erotic autonomy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And if he's coming home and plowing the sexual energy into you after he gets revved up from the affirmation of some other woman flirting with him, it's to your benefit, disclosed or not disclosed. But if he's getting phone numbers and making out with bitches and bars or whatever, What does that say? What does that tell you about his intent?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
What does that tell you about what the next decade might look like? Because that's tiptoeing up to the infidelity abyss and throwing your shoes in, not quite throwing your entire self in yet, but it's a sign that these two rules might not be the only rules that he, I don't want to say has broken, don't want to pour poison in your ear, but may break. And you guys need to have a talk about that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You're free to go. You can divorce him over this. I wouldn't divorce a guy over this knowing what I know about men and knowing what I know about the guy you might wind up with after this guy. But if you're going to stay, you two together need to come up with rules that he can realistically
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Two to 5% of semen of ejaculate is composed of sperm cells produced in the testicles, which is crazy to contemplate because there's like 100 million, 200 million sperm cells in a single teaspoon of ejaculate. And yet all of those sperm cells, those tens of millions, hundreds of millions of sperm cells, just two to 5% of the total volume of ejaculate.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
The rest is water, plasma, and I'm sorry to say, ladies, mucus secreted by the seminal vesicles, a pair of glands. Great name for a punk band, seminal vesicles, or drag queen. And the prostate gland, and something that I cannot pronounce, the bulbarorethral gland.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
That's the gland that makes the mucus, the pre-cum that zaps urine residue in the urethra, makes the urethra less acidic, which makes it more... Welcoming and hospitable environment for the sperm cells that are passing through it if a guy hasn't had a vasectomy on the way out into the world, out into the vaginal canal, out into the rectum, down the gullet, wherever it's going.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Your sister could not tell the difference. It was psychological. It was in her head. Now, I'm assuming that your sister and her husband, he didn't go get a vasectomy two weeks after they met, that they were together for a long time and... had kids and they decided they didn't want to have any more kids, or they decided they didn't want any kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And at some point, years and years and years into the relationship, he got a vasectomy. Men, as they age, the amount of semen they produce, its viscosity, the total semen, not just the sperm cells, changes. So it may just be a coincidence that as his semen was changing as he aged,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
He also got a vasectomy and your sister credited the slight change in flavor to the vasectomy to the absence of these sperm cells when it was just two different things happened at once. So yeah, your husband can get a vasectomy. It is not going to change how his semen tastes. It really isn't. That is some kind of weird placebo effect or you just, you know it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You know there's something different and so you're... don't know, playing semen sommelier at that moment and trying to perceive if you have detected a difference when you haven't. I'm sorry. No one's palate is that refined. So you're hoping can safely get that vasectomy if you're done having kids and you can continue to enjoy swallowing his cum and the taste won't change. I promise you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
all right time for listener feedback first up some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love says frank dan in your discussion with jill filipovich you said you were a boomer but not a real boomer because you were born very late into the boomer generation I am just a few years older than you, Dan, and there is a name for us, Generation Jones.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
It describes boomers like us who came of age in the 70s and 80s rather than the 1960s. I looked it up. Generation Jones has a wiki page. If there are any other barely boomers out there like me and Frank, You're going to want to look up Generation Jones and read about it. Finally, we have a demographic designation that makes sense for us.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Lots of comments about my conversation with Mike Peska, host of The Gist, which was our last Sex and Politics. Mostly about the ever-contentious plastic straw issue, but some comments about the question we tackled together, the one from the high-end sex worker who wanted a romantic partner.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
but wanted that romantic partner to pay for absolutely everything just like her sugar daddy does, says Thingamajig. Massive eye roll directed toward the caller. You want a partner who picks up all the checks and spends lavishly on you? Yeah, so do I. Sadly, I don't have the attributes, physical and otherwise, to convince anyone to give me that kind of deal.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Congrats if you do, but that is not a kink or a fetish. You're just looking out for number one. Well, I don't know. Benefit of the doubt to the caller, fin dom is definitely a fetish and it's not just subs who get off on it. But I will give you thingamajig that the line between kinky fin doms and plain old avaricious greedy motherfuckers is a blurry one.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And finally, a comment from No Cute Name that I am not going to give any context for. If you don't know what this is in reference to, you will have to go back and listen to last week's show. Says No Cute Name, I just can't see ass eating as a substitute for mouth kissing. There's a lot more to No Cute Name's comment.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
A lot more interesting things that No Cute Name had to say about substituting ass eating for mouth kissing. But I wanted to share that opening line. I wanted to share that lead because I thought, you know... That is the kind of comment you will only find at savage.love. All right, for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday where I respond to listener and reader comments.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
There isn't a song on earth that wouldn't sound sinister with that kind of reading. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Satan. Happy birthday to you. These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. And one of these days, these boots are going to walk all over you. Go ahead and laugh, but in the book of Job, Satan says he was made for walking.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And for the rest of the summer, I am posting letters that were too long for the column and letting my superstar Savage Love commenters try their hand at giving some advice. Struggle Session, not behind a paywall for the rest of the summer. Check out the next one on Thursday.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And now, drumroll please, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part of the show where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, First, a quick comment on the news. If we're going to accept piles of dead kids in our schools, our political leaders are going to have to accept regular assassination attempts
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your juicy questions and your insightful comments for future shows. You can record your question or comment at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Or you can call our landline like it's 1982 and leave us a message at 206-302-2064. Our brand new lineup of Hump 2024 films is touring the US, Canada, and Europe right now. This weekend, Hump 2024 Part 2 has its final screenings in Portland, Oregon. Thank you to everybody who came to Cinema 21 over the weekend. Last two weekends. to say hi to me and enjoy Hump.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
We will also be humping in Berlin, Amsterdam, Montreal, Kansas City, Seattle, Olympia, Minneapolis, and Durham, North Carolina this weekend. There's nothing like seeing Hump in a theater with an audience. Go to humpfilmfest.com right now to get tickets for a screening in a theater near you. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Follow Marie and John on Twitter where you can check out their femdom, FLR, and cuckold content. They're on Twitter at dark-blue. Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at Risk Youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week with an installment of Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
on the earth walking up and down on the earth right there in the bible god tried to warn us about nancy sinatra but we didn't listen Another thing, Barry Manilow wrote a lot of songs, but he didn't write I Write the Songs. It was one of his biggest hits, but it was a cover of a song written by singer-songwriter Bruce Johnston.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
But it was Manilow's version that went to number one on the pop charts in December of 1976. I'm bad at math, but 2024 minus 1976 equals... 48 years ago? And these guys, these pastors who are constantly exposing the hidden messages in popular music, they're just getting around to this nearly 50-year-old hit song?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
If our leaders don't like assassination attempts, and they shouldn't, just like they shouldn't like piles of dead kids in our schools, our leaders really do need to do something about the guns. The guns are the problem.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Meanwhile, young and hot Lil Nas X is right there, literally giving Satan a lap dance, sitting on Satan's dick in the video for his smash hit song, Montero, Call Me By Your Name, which came out in 2021. Named one of the top songs of 2021 by Pitchfork Magazine, went to the top of the charts, won the MTV Music Video of the Year Award in 2021.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
and the constant exposures of satanic messaging and pop music. I guess they're not going to get around to Lil Nas X's Montero for another 48 years. That's how long it took them to get to I Write the Song, so we can all look forward to the slow and sinister, nightmarish Christian reading of Montero in, again, I'm bad at math, but I think 2071.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Right now, in the year of our Lord, 2024, they want us freaking out about sweet old 81-year-old Barry Manilow currently cashing royalty checks in Palm Springs with his husband. And he deserves every penny. Copacabana is a banger. This whole thing, I think, is hilarious and ridiculous, but in a way, charming. A reminder of a more innocent time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
A time when Christians were obsessed with hidden satanic messages and pop music and comic books. And with boys that had long hair. Really, 1 Corinthians 11.14, doth not even nature itself teach you that? If a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him. Long hair on men, those long-haired boys I lusted after in middle school or began to lust after or have confusing feelings about in middle school.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Turns out they were sinners. Turns out they were growing that hair out to do the devil's work. I'm not exaggerating. When I was a kid, Christians hated the hippies with their long hair and the rock stars and pop stars, the boys with their girlishly long hair.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Not the security perimeters they're in, not the bubbles of gun control they're lucky enough to live inside while the rest of us have to fend for ourselves, but the fucking guns that are everywhere. Guns that can easily pop the bubbles they're in. And if they're not going to do anything about the guns...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
They worried these girlishly styled boys would confuse or corrupt innocent young men, even boys in seminaries, boys like me, and turn us gay. And they were right, in my case at least. Peter Frampton and Leif Garrett, now tragically bald... They made me gay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Today's Christians, today's evangelicals, again, hashtag not all Christians are evangelicals, but today's evangelical Christians, the nightmarish Christians that Christian nightmares documents, documents the atrocities on all of his social media platforms. What are they obsessed with now?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
authoritarianism, forced births, Donald fucking Trump, putting Donald fucking Trump back in the White House, I would trade today's crazy, nightmarish, evangelical Christians, the Christians of my youth, the evangelical conservative Christians of my youth, that these guys on this podcast are
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
reminded me of and made me nostalgic for the ones who were looking for the secret satanic messages in the songs that Barry Manilow sang but didn't write.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
All right, coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me on the Magnum, by day, Maria and John appear to be your average suburban couple, but by night and on weekends, they create and share some of the hottest femdom and cuckold content on the internet. Maria and John, join me for a very special installment of What Are You Doing? All that coming up on today's show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I guess Donald Trump should take the advice he gave parents who were upset about school shootings. Just get over it, Donald. All right, in honor of Taylor Swift, we're going to shake it off, shake off the news and talk about something a little lighter.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Mask, masculine, is a perfectly legitimate gender expression for an assigned male at birth person. There is this... I don't know this attitude, this posture, this creeping sense in queer land that the only authentic, truly authentic gender presentation for someone assigned male at birth is a femme presentation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And the only authentic gender presentation for someone assigned female at birth is a mask presentation. And anybody who is assigned male at birth, whose mask is acting or performing and anyone who's Signed female birth whose femme is performing that gendered stereotype. It's just not true. For some people, kind of mask, not presentation, it's not an act. It's who they are authentically.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
It's perfectly legitimate. And queer people, least of all, should slouch around making assumptions about people based on their gender presentation. So look, I'm sorry some people have like said shitty things to you. People have certainly said shitty things to me. Welcome to being queer.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Sometimes people say shitty things to you about your sexual orientation or your gender expression or whatever else because they're shitty people or they don't understand yet. And maybe them saying a shitty thing to you is an opportunity to tell them a few things and educate them. But You are who you are. And bi pan, the line between bi pan can be pretty blurry.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I've always loved bisexual activist Robin Oaks' definition of bisexuality. I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge in myself the potential to be attracted romantically and or sexually to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree. That definition of bisexuality, to me, seems to encompass a kind of pansexual vibe.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
There are some people who think bi emphasizes a binary, but it could also emphasize, as Oaks does there, the binary between being attracted to only one gender and being attracted to more than one gender. That also could be a bit... bi binary without being only attracted to males or females or AFAB people or AMAB people, whatever. You're legit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Although I am a little nervous to talk about this because it does mean talking about my number one favorite follow on Instagram, an account I want you to follow. But I don't want you digging through my follows looking for other accounts to follow because some of my follows are embarrassing for a man of my age. And station, full disclosure, I follow a lot of eye candy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
If you want to identify as bi or you want to identify as pan, and that's legitimately queer. Even if you're assigned male at birth and you have a mask, authentic gender expression, and nobody gets to tell you you ain't queer or take that away from you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
The fact that some people look at you, especially if you're with a woman and assume you're straight, that's a perfectly reasonable assumption for people to make. And so people are gonna make that assumption because it's gonna be correct most of the time because most people are not, most men are not bi. And so it's asking a lot of people to turn off that assumption making switch in their brain
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I always say to people who are bisexual, bisexual men who are offended when people see them with a woman and assume that they're straight, which, again, most men with women are, I always bring up when I was a new parent and people would see me with my son and assume I was straight. I wasn't offended by that assumption, incorrect though it may have been, because it was a reasonable assumption.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And if the person wasn't homophobic, it wasn't a malicious assumption. It was just... We move through the world making assumptions about the people we meet, the places we go, the things that we do. Some assumptions could be motivated by a kind of bigotry or a kind of ignorance. But ask yourself about the assumptions you might make.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
about other people based on the data available to you, based on what you're seeing, then I'm sure you've made the exact same assumption about some other bi guys that some people have made about you incorrectly, which was that you were straight or you thought they were straight and they weren't. So look, welcome to the club. You're a queer doe, just like me. We're both queer.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You're a queer bi or queer pan. I'm queer gay. Your queerness is as authentic and you are as entitled to it as your mask gender expression is authentic and as entitled to that as you also are.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
You say you want an explanation. You say you're owed an explanation. What more do you need to know? He was lying to you the entire time you were seeing each other. Lied to you about being closeted, lied to you about having a partner, kept you really at arm's length emotionally, but also sexually. You were...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
used, manipulated, you were the piece on the side and you didn't get to agree to be the piece on the side, what more could he possibly tell you? What context could he put that in that would give you closure, that would make you feel any better about how this went down and how long it went on?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Maybe he could tell you that he, with his partner, they've been together a long time and breaking up isn't really possible emotionally and sexually. They're not connected anymore in the relationship. Like maybe there's something that is semi-exonerating but not fully exonerating. That's a charitable guess, right?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Or he could just be a lying piece of shit who wanted a piece of ass in the city in addition to the boyfriend at home in the suburbs. And you were that not very inquisitive piece of ass who didn't make a lot of demands. And so it was able to go on and on and on as long as it did. In the future, so this doesn't happen to you again, you can let something be casual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
You can let something grow and unfold naturally. You're still allowed to be curious. You're allowed to do your screw diligence. You're allowed to Google the people that you date or do a deep dive on their social media or Instagram, if only to protect yourself from exactly this kind of shitbaggery. But Yeah. He owed you the truth all along. He owed you basic human decency.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
The teenage emperors of Rome were the most famous whore in the world at the time. Famous fleeting. I had to look up her name. Anyway, Messalina won this contest by fucking 25 men in a single night. A number so shocking that her husband had her executed. Ironically, it was Claudius's next wife, his fourth and his last, Julia Agrippina, that assassinated him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
He owed it to you not to lie to you and manipulate you. And he didn't come through with any of that. And I don't think it's rational, reasonable for you to expect that now he's going to, he owes you and is going to come through with an explanation or with closure. You could, if you wanted to, obviously you could nuke his relationship. You could write to his boyfriend.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
My hunch is that if you did write to his boyfriend, you wouldn't be the first piece in the city on the side that he'd ever heard from that his partner was fucking. And so I don't think it would be worth it. You've, Wasted, not wasted. You were dating other people. You were living your life. He sort of entered your life and you guys had an easy thing and it went on. Just let it go. Let him go.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
You now know what you know and needed to know and weren't told about him. And you don't sound bitter, which is good. don't be bitter, don't get bitter, but do draw the lesson from this that you should, which is, you know, three months, six months, even nine months in, you can let it be casual and take somebody at their word. But four years in, at some point you have a right to know who they are.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And as one out queer person to another, uh, You could have spared yourself a lot of grief and drama if when he told you he was closeted, which came a long time, that was a lie, but he told you that he was closeted. If you had said, yeah, no, don't date closet kids. You're 36 years old. You're a full-grown queer ass, gay adult, queer adult living in the city. Don't waste your time on closeted guys.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
When you're 20... giving somebody some space and time to come out because they're still young and they're figuring it out and they're, you know, triaging their relationships with their family in school and trying to like find the right moment to come out. Okay. There's an allowance you can make when somebody is young, but when somebody is a fully grown ass, gay adult with a badge and a gun. Yeah.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And they're closeted. Waste of time. You should have dumped him then. I don't know why he was closeted. He was closeted about being not closeted. He's lying to you about that and closeted about having a boyfriend, having a partner all that time. You thought you were his partner. So don't be bitter. Keep that heart open.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Assume good things about the people you meet who come into your life that you have a good feeling about, and then Google them. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers of the best mattresses. That's why my mattress is a Helix Sleep mattress, because we wanted the best. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
That's what we've got around here. The Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids. To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix Sleep Quiz to find your perfect mattress match in under two minutes. And your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And with their 100-night sleep trial, you can try out your new Helix mattress, see how your body adjusts. And if you decide it's not the best fit, you are welcome to return it for a full refund.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Helix offers models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side, like I do, or models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions. Plus, Helix has enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Which just goes to show, sometimes the cheating slut you know is the zebra bat. Anyway, I watched the documentary about Lily Phillips that everyone is talking about and thought about how a shocking number in ancient Rome, 25 men in a single night, wouldn't rate a YouTube viral video documentary today.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And again, they offer a 10 to 15 year warranty and that 100 night free trial so you can try out your new Helix mattress before you commit to it. Kind of like I tried on my husband before I committed to him. Right now, Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. That's helixsleep.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Let them know the Lovecast sent you helixsleep.com slash savage. With Helix, better sleep starts now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
So I just listened to your call, but your call came in a few weeks ago.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And so the side guy that was kind of forcing the issue because you live in a small town.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Immediately after the stunt, which is how Lily, who describes herself as a slut, describes this day, a fan-servicing stunt in which she literally serviced her fans, only men who subscribed to her only fans were eligible to... line up and have five minutes each with her. After it was over, Phillips broke down on camera and cried.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Is no longer necessarily forcing the issue. Does your husband know that you were fucking somebody and breaking the rules? No, he doesn't.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Well, that's usually my gig is to cut people off who are trying to say something. I'm usually the one who doesn't let anybody get a word in edgewise. So your husband gave you permission to get sex outside your sexless marriage. Is your marriage completely sexless and companionate or is there sex sometimes?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Because one of his rules was that you can have a tryst, has to be out of town, and you have to get tested after. You guys aren't fucking. Why does that matter to him besides hopefully a loving concern for your health?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Okay, so I'm really torn because there's two conflicting kind of interests here. Your interest in being able to fuck somebody, which is... These are roadblocks. If it has to be a tryst, it has to be out of town. How often do you get out of town? How easy would it be for you to arrange a tryst if you were suddenly out of town with a stranger?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And how actually dangerous would it be for you to arrange a tryst with somebody that you didn't get to know and vet through the getting to know process, which is really important for women and women's safety when planning on being alone together in a room with a man. Yeah.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And so the tryst and out of town makes it really complicated, you know, a higher degree of difficulty for you to actually fuck somebody else. Yeah. And yet your husband's concern about not wanting it to be in town because living in a small town, that's valid because one of the things often people in sexless, uh,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
relationships in relationships that are socially monogamous, what they want is not to be publicly humiliated. They don't want everybody in town to know that you're having an affair or fucking other people and to look at them with scorn or pity because they think they're fools because everybody knows but them, which can happen in a small town.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
So it seems to me that you and your husband need to have another conversation where you articulate these competing interests. Your interest in actually getting to have sex with somebody, which is complicated to the point of it may never happen if it has to be an out-of-town tryst.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And his interest in not being publicly humiliated in your small town by rumors going around and people looking at him like he's a fool or an idiot. Yeah. And so, how do you figure out something that can work for both of you, that makes it possible for you to have sex, not just in theory, but in practice, without risking humiliating him?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Because your kid was six when you called. I'm sorry we didn't get to your call.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Hey, annoying straight girls are my bread and butter. I love annoying straight girls. I've been helping out annoying straight girls since 1991. It's literally on my shingle outside my office. So you guys are going to get a divorce?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
You guys love each other. If you have a good and loving and mutually supportive companionate relationship, and you co-parent well together, and you don't want to add the stress of...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
you know, moving a kid back and forth from one home to another, or if you do the nesting style where one of you moves out and the other moves back in and you guys are the ones moving between domiciles, that's not nothing. And maybe that has such value to your husband that he'd be willing to shoulder the risk of
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
of you having sex with somebody else and him finding out about it or even you know we live in modern times it's a new world even in small towns even if it you know got out if you guys then sort of came out publicly as companionate that we have a companionate marriage nobody is really it's only something in a small town you got to say once um
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
look, we love each other, we're great parents, we're married, we're husband and wife, we're staying together, but it's a companionate relationship and we're both free to have sex outside the relationship or relationships outside the marriage and no one's being harmed or wrong. And as scary a thing that is to say in a small town, because it will be the topic for a week, once it's said, it's done.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And once... there's nothing more to gossip about your relationship out there. So maybe your husband, if you guys stay married and I'm kind of rooting for you guys to stay married, good parents, good companions. That's people devalue that. And I'm the sex maniac who puts too much importance on sex.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And I tell people to do what they need to do to stay married and stay sane sometime, which can include cheating because sexual fulfillment is important and that sexual compatibility is important. We should prioritize it. But I'm also the guy who sometimes says, hey, a sexless relationship that's loving and low conflict, I wouldn't throw that away for a blowjob myself personally.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
I wouldn't throw that away for a tryst myself personally. If I can have both... The outside sex, the blowjobs, or just even the possibility of outside sex, because there's a reasonable set of rules that make it possible, not impossible, to get sex outside the marriage. I would stay in the marriage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
But easier for me to say as a gay man, because men are pigs and it's easier for us to find each other, right? Than it is for straight women to safely find... male side pieces.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
You know, kinky women are a prize. There are so many more kinky men than kinky women. And you're yet another example of the straight married woman who comes into her kinks in her thirties. I see it all the time. I think there's some fundamental thing that teaches us about differences between male and female sexuality and also male and female socialization. And so thank you for that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
I love it when callers confirm my priors. Uh, and I gotta go. We're going to wish you luck. Give us a call back. Let us know what you decide to do. If you're going to get a divorce, uh, or stay together and come out as companionate. Um, which maybe your husband could wrap his mind around because then he wouldn't be thought a fool. He would be thought available and maybe he'd get some too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Phillips has to leave the room. Everyone is focusing on and talking about this moment and what it means. And if I'm going to be honest, this moment threw me back into a moment from my own life, which only involved two other guys, not 100 men waiting in a line. It was something I wanted to do, something like Lily that I wanted to experience for my own reasons.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
But in the aftermath, I was a little overwhelmed. I teared up. I left the room. And no, you're not getting any of the hoary details out of me. But just because I teared up and had to leave the room for a minute to compose myself doesn't mean I regretted it or that I haven't done it again.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
That was a stroke of good luck for you that she exited your life. And if she's out there listening, lady, good luck to you. Good luck finding a guy, a straight guy, who doesn't appreciate... hot women.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And you do well to find a straight guy who appreciates not just women who are exactly his favorite type, but can see the beauty in women who aren't necessarily his type, but have a kind of energy and bravado that is appealing and that he's into women, not just for their looks, but also for their personality.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
That's a good trait in a straight guy because eventually everybody looks fall apart and then you're left with personalities that And if he likes your energy, even if the rest of you eventually dissolves, he'll still be into you because you're at anyway, she's crazy and you're well rid of her. You are entitled as a human being to a zone of erotic autonomy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
You are entitled as a human being, as was her ex to jack off every once in a while about whatever it is that you want to jack off about. And she doesn't get to police her, your erotic imagination. She doesn't get to police your fantasies.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And it's a kind of insecure, controlling, manipulative, shitty behavior to act like you should be able to dictate to somebody what they can and cannot find arousing or to tell somebody that they're only allowed. to touch their own genitals when you're supervising them, which I guess is what she wants out of a dude. There are a couple of dudes like that out there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
There are some guys into long-term chastity play. She should go find one whose dick she can literally put a cage on. But I'm guessing she doesn't want that. I'm guessing she's not kinky, that she's not honestly seeking an FLR, a female-led relationship. She just wants to default into some sort of F L R. Look, there are women out there who would be better partners for you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
That something you chose to do, something you wanted to do, stirred up big feelings, doesn't mean you shouldn't have done that thing or you shouldn't have been allowed to do that thing or that it should be a crime for you to do that thing. which is the argument some are making.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And I believe you when you say you weren't jacking off. I follow a lot of like random hot guys on Instagram and I don't, look at them and masturbate. They just pop up into my feed every once in a while and I'm like, dude's hot. That's nice to see. Hot people are nice to look at every once in a while.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And it sends a little blast of oxytocin through my brain that makes my day a little brighter, but doesn't make me appreciate the people in my life I'm actually having sex with any less. Was that the thing that people used to say when I was a child?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
I overheard adults, straight, monogamous, married, adult, friends of my parents, and even my parents say this, this thing they used to say, I'm married, not dead, which meant, yeah, I'm committed to this one person, but I can appreciate the beauty and attractiveness of others. I can take that in. And for better or worse,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
In this age of social media, the way we take most of the world in, sadly, is looking at our phones. And so you're occasionally... checking somebody out and then deciding to follow them because it would be a treat for you, for that person to cross your path every once in a while. That's all it is when you follow a hot person on Instagram.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
They pop up into your feed, they cross your path, just like the girl from Ipanema walking down the goddamn beach, right? And you should be allowed that. And an adult, a mature adult, doesn't dig through all of their partner's likes and follows on Instagram for evidence of what? For evidence of what they should assume to be true.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Their partner sometimes likes to check out other people and does online. Unfortunately, it leaves a digital trail of evidence that an insecure bag of slop like your ex-girlfriend, count your blessings that she is your ex-girlfriend, can then... have big feelings about and blow up otherwise good and wonderful relationships with a lot of potential. You sound like a catch.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Some are pointing to this documentary as proof that porn should be illegal, mostly people who were making that argument before they watched this documentary. Interestingly, the two most open-minded people that Peter spoke to making this film, the least judgmental, are two little old ladies outside the lingerie store where Lily goes to buy something special to wear on the big day.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
You sound like a guy that a smart, well-adjusted, functional adult woman could partner with long-term. She is never going to find a guy who doesn't break her stupid rules about what the men in her life are allowed to do or think or look at and when they're allowed to masturbate and what they're allowed to masturbate about. When she told you that story, assuming she told it to you before this whole
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Ajita's broke out should have broken up with her then because that was somebody telling you who they are and you should believe them like my aunt was like the first time she was telling you that she doesn't want a man she wants a toaster with a dildo duct tape to it you're well rid of her and you didn't have the presence of mind because you couldn't see into the future you didn't realize what it was she was telling you to dump her then and she has now done you the favor of dumping herself count your blessings and follow whoever the fuck you want
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
This episode is brought to you by field. It seems like so many of my listeners are talking about and using field these days and with good reason field lets you have control of your matches, not some creepy algorithm field is an app where curious people come to connect on field. You have the breathing room to explore your own desires. free from gatekeeping. Here's what that looks like.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
So I watched the documentary everyone is talking about, not the one about the Menendez brothers or the one about the cold war, both on Netflix, both excellent, but the one about Lily Phillips, the only fans porn star who had sex with a hundred men in a single day. The short documentary about that day by British YouTuber, Josh Peters is straightforwardly titled. I slept with 100 men in one day.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
You decide who and what you like. Sifting through an avalanche of likes is exhausting. On field, you can filter your likes based on preferences like sexuality, desires, gender, and age. which makes it so much easier to cut straight to the likes from like-minded people. No algorithmic gatekeeping on Field. The only person who can determine what you like is you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
To honor the complexity of human desire, Field presents you with all options and leaves you in control of your experience. No pressure to swipe. If you happen to skip someone's profile, you can always ask to go back or undo your dislike at no extra cost. And you can bring your people along.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Field's new constellation features lets you link profiles with your friends and lovers, so new connections will see who you are within your social context. Start a group chat and find your people with your people. There's no limit to how many times you can change your sexuality, desires, interests, or gender identity at Field.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
In fact, 62% of Field members evolved their sexuality, interests, and desires within their first year on the app. Whether you just moved to a new city and need to find a new community, or you're traveling and looking to meet new people, you can find a new bestie at Field. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
If you've been wondering about Field because you've heard so much about Field on this show from callers, not just from hosts, I, Dan Savage, recommend that you finally give Field a try yourself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
I'm going to quickly define that problematic term for people who may not be familiar with it. An Eskimo brother, slang term used to describe two men who have had sex with the same partner at different times. When gay men refer to other gay men as a band of brothers, I think that's what they're referring to potentially. I brainstormed this for two seconds and came up with next of skin, but
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
open to suggestions if anybody else out there has one. But my substitute for Eskimo brothers, problematic, next of skin. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says by DanFan, Dan, you missed two red flags in the bad boys call.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
That just after a couple of months, the caller is already calling him the one and planning a future together with him. And two, complaining about the sex being boring. Honey, this is not the guy for you. There are men out there who are both good people and great lovers. Stop seeing this guy and start seeing your therapist a bit more and find out why you're getting so ahead of yourself here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Says Zoftig about the same call. I know we're supposed to take the side of the callers, but I felt much more sympathy for the current quote-unquote nice boyfriend of the caller who likes bad boys than I did for her. Dan's suggestions, while great if they'd been together for a long time...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
and full of broadly good advice for anyone who wants to keep things adventurous in an LTR, defaulted to staying together as the greater good, where I kind of got the impression that this perfectly nice guy might be better off finding someone who'd appreciate him instead of doing all this work to change him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And finally, says Muriel, also about the same call, a word of encouragement to all the good boys out there. I used to date a man who, in his younger years, was often used by girls who were just going with him while waiting for a bad boy to come around. This was painful for him, but this man was by far the sexiest man I've ever known.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
He is still good, respectful, thoughtful, sensitive, helpful, romantic, but has an intense, playful sexuality that thrilled and transformed me. So hang in there, good guys. Continue to be who you are. There are women out there looking for exactly what you have to offer.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And again, on the bad boys call, I want to highlight, but I can't read because it's too long, but I will direct everyone's attention to No Cute Names comment about the same caller on this week's show. Again, too long to share here, but it is a really good critique of my advice.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And No Cute Name identifies a blind spot of mine, maybe a blind spot that everybody who is out there giving sex and relationship advice has and one we have to guard against. No cute name, read your comment, took it to heart, recommending others, go and give it a read. All right, for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And now everyone's favorite part of the show, mine included, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and my listeners get the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your questions and comments for future shows. You can record and upload your question directly onto our website at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
The films for Hump's 20th anniversary show have been selected. You can check out the new lineups for Hump 2025, the spring and fall tours, and lock down your tickets to both Hump Film Festivals right now at humpfilmfest.com. And Magnum subscribers, go check your email right now for your very own personal 20% off Hump 2025 tickets promo code valid through the end of the year.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
At our place, we're trying to do less stuff at Christmas. We're trying to give more experiences. And Hump tickets, the Hump experience makes a great gift. Doesn't come in a box, doesn't take up a lot of space, and it won't become junk that you have to get rid of in a year. Give the gift now. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at blue sky at Dan Savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
But an OnlyFans star, another OnlyFans star, a different OnlyFans star that Peter speaks to about Lily Phillips' plan, Alex, the Queen of Southampton, she, like a lot of people, expressed some concern from Phillips' mental health.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Follow Dr. Ina Park on threads and Instagram at Ina Park MD. Dr. Park's website where you can learn more about her writings and her work and her book is at inapark.net. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at Risk Youth and Nancy. We'll all be back at you next week. Another installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Still others are arguing that sex work is work like any other kind of work, labor like any other kind of labor. And lots of people do jobs they hate or jobs they have conflicted feelings about. And Lily Phillips isn't the first person who broke down after a hard day at work. Jesse Sage, a sex worker and writer, said this in an essay Sage wrote for Rolling Stone.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Sex workers often talk about the fact that one of the hardest things about the job is that we have to constantly perform happiness and fulfillment lest we be judged harshly for our choices. In my area of the industry, full-service in-person work, we only have two tropes, the down-and-out worker or the happy hooker.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Sex workers have no space to express ambivalence or complex feelings about their work. Sex work is work. I'm pro-sex work, pro-sex worker. But sex work isn't work like other forms of work. Whatever happens at the poultry plant, while arguably more dangerous, especially for the chickens, whatever happens there at the poultry plant is happening outside you, not inside you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And no one has to pretend to love it. I'm still thinking about this, what this stunt—again, as Philip calls it, this stunt— What it means. We're all talking about what it says about Phillips or sex work or porn or OnlyFans or men. Not all men, but the men. The kind of men who lined up to have sex with Phillips.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Her supposed fans, which included men who came in Phillips' eyes again and again after she asked them not to. Men that Phillips excuses with a shrug. Her assumption is that it must have been an accident each and every time it happened. And that for me was... More heartbreaking, more worrisome about Phillips and her state of mind and our culture than seeing her choke up was.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Like the anti-porn people... had their priors confirmed by this documentary see porn is the problem i also had one of my priors one of my long-standing priors confirmed by this documentary which is you can have too much dick i have watched friends messy friends messalinas you could call them destroy themselves with sex for free
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
It's hard enough to know when enough is enough, when you're not getting rich off more and more. And I think that's the worry I have. That's my takeaway worry after watching this documentary. I hope Phillips wanted this. But I worry the incentive structure that the internet has created, culturally, fiscally, economically...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
It's also surprisingly thoughtful and engaging and, And as I watched, I kept thinking about Messalina. Messalina was the third wife of Claudius. Claudius was the fourth emperor of Rome after Augustus, Tiberius, and Caligula. And Messalina, according to the sources, was a huge slut. And why shouldn't she be? Claudius was almost 50 when she was forced to marry him, and she was only 18.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
makes it harder and harder for us to know, just from watching, whether this is what someone like Phillips actually wants. I worry she may not even know that herself. All right, coming up on the Lovecast, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and on the Magnum, STI expert Dr. Ina Park returns to have our regularly scheduled chat about herpes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
We also talk about HPV, brain worms, and the incoming secretary potentially of the Department of Health and Human Services. My conversation with Dr. Ina Park is on the Magnum version of the show that you can subscribe to at savage.love. But we got plenty of great stuff on the show this week for micro listeners.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Also, for Magnum subscribers, we have a new Sex and Politics coming out this Thursday with writer, columnist, and podcaster Phoebe Maltz-Bovee, who joins me for an extended conversation about the dilemma of female heterosexuality. And in other news, we have new merch in our merch shop at savage.love. All will be revealed. All will be discussed in detail on next week's show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
In the meantime, if you're the holiday gift giving sort, you can give the gift of a Magnum subscription for next year right now for half off until December 31st. Or you can give your loved one a Savage Lovecast t-shirt or a fuck first mug. It's all at savage.love slash shop. All right, let's get to that first call.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the very best mattress designed with your comfort in mind. Right now, get up to 20% off a mattress purchase plus two free pillows at helixsleep.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
I learned so much from my callers. I had never heard of dayuse.com. I just looked at it. It allows you to rent in the middle of the day for a few hours a hotel room. They used to call that hot sheet hotels or hot sheet motels, places you could rent for a few hours. hours.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And the understanding was you were meeting up in that hotel room in the middle of the day for a few hours or in that sleazy motel in the middle of the day for a few hours to cheat on your spouse. That's what hot sheet motels were all about, but you're not cheating. You just want to get fucked in the middle of the day, but you don't want to spend a hundred dollars.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Well, the guys you're fucking, the other people you're fucking, the women you're fucking are when you're not at home nesting with your nesting partner out in the boonies, do they have apartments? Do they have houses? Do they have places you could go? You could go there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
She deserved better dick. And the men of ancient Rome were notoriously slutty themselves. But ancient Rome was a brutally patriarchal society where adultery, when committed by women, was a crime punishable by death. And when adultery was committed by men, it was a Tuesday afternoon at the brothel. Full disclosure, my Roman Empire is the Roman Empire.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
If you can't go there, if it has to be a hotel, like I'm looking at expensive hotels in New York City and they're only $109 for a few hours in the middle of the day. That seems like a reasonable expense if you go halfsies on it, 50-ish plus bucks a piece to get your brains fucked out in the middle of the day.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
When I first started listening to your call, I thought the problem was going to be you're loud during sex and you want to holler and you don't want people calling the police. You don't want to disturb people in the hotel. And the answer to that is fuck first, check in, fuck, go to dinner.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Don't fuck at midnight and be super loud and disturb everybody else in the hotel who's trying to get some sleep. Fuck at seven o'clock in your hotel room when everybody else who's Staying at the hotel, is out doing whatever it is that they came to town to do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
And even if they're not, even if there's some people down the hall who are just chilling in their hotel room, at least you're not keeping them up.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
they could complain that you're being loud, but you get to be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love and people fucking hotel rooms and everybody who's staying in a hotel knows that there's the risk if they're not getting fucked themselves and being the loud ones that they might overhear some people fucking across the hall or down the hall or next door.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
It's rude, though, if you know yourself to be super loud, to do that fucking in your hotel room at 1 o'clock in the morning when other people are trying to get some sleep. So fuck at 7 o'clock. Or if your hotel has a 24-hour health club fitness room and it's 2 o'clock in the morning and you want to be loud and the fitness room is in the basement, go fuck in the fitness room.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Hashtag ask me how I know. Anyway, yeah. Fuck your other partners at their places or go have these on those hotel rooms. And thanks for the tip. Dayuse.com. I am going to bookmark that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 946
Anyway, Messalina, according to the sources, which are famously unreliable where the lives of the women of Rome's imperial family are concerned. I mean, they can't all have been murderous sluts or slutty murderesses. What are the odds? But according to the sources, Messalina challenged Rome's most famous prostitute, Cilia, to a fuck-off, a contest. Who could fuck more men in a single night?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
I did an intro top of the show a couple of weeks ago about Mark Robinson, the odious piece of shit who the GOP nominated for governor in North Carolina, who is hanging out at the back of video, you know, in video booths and porn shops for years and years and years, five nights a week, video booths and porn shops have glory holes. Dicks pop through those holes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
People don't spend all night long, five nights a week in a video booth in the back of a dirty bookstore. Uh, Unless they want that dick to pop through that hole. Also, Mark Robinson obsessed with trans porn and said that he liked trans porn because he got the dick basically without the dude.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And I got this really kind of moving email from a straight male listener who heard me say that there are some straight identified guys out there who aren't into men, but they are into dick. So they like trans women who have dicks and they like glory holes in video booths because the dick comes through the hole and it's not attached to a dude. It's just this floating disembodied dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Dick, no dude. And that guy wrote me to say how affirmed he felt because no one had ever affirmed his identity. His identity as a straight identified male until he heard me talking about the particular kind of straight identified male he is at the top of that show. Your husband could be one of those guys, straight but aroused by the sight of dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Most straight guys who watch porn, they're looking at dick when they watch porn. Now, there are some straight guys out there who don't watch porn that have any men in it. They just watch... women's solo or lesbian porn, like seeing other dicks ruins it for them. But most straight porn has guys in it with dicks because dick isn't a deal breaker in porn as a visual for most straight guys.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And your husband could be one of those guys. And he wants to like, he's excited by the thought of jacking off with another guy while they watch porn together. And They're being dick around other men's dicks around. Okay. Worst case scenario. And my heart goes out to your mom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
That can be really traumatic to be married to somebody for years and years and find out this woman that the man that pretended he loved you and married you was gay. Heart goes out to your mom. Is your husband gay? Well, you say your sex life is pretty great. really good. You guys have a good adventurous sex life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
When you talk to women who are married to closeted gay men, you rarely hear we had a great sex life. Usually the sex was lousy and the woman for years couldn't figure out why it was lousy, thought maybe the problem was her, may have been encouraged to believe the problem was her by her lying closeted husband.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And to anyone out there who saw that tweet or sorry, that post to a certain social media platform and is currently pulling together a guest list for a wedding, which again is when the plus one thing comes up mostly. And there's someone you want to invite who's Polly and has more than one partner right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
I can't imagine in the wake of your parents' divorce and with how traumatized your mother was, you didn't end up having deep, dark, night of the soul conversations with your mom about what her marriage to your dad was like. What data do you have there? I'm imagining that if your mom shared anything with you, Odds are what you heard from your mom was she and your dad had not a great sex life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
So the fact that you and your husband have a great sex life, I think that argues against your husband being a closeted gay man. The things your husband telling you right now. interested in jerking off with another dude. Okay, maybe he's just into dick, disembodied dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
But also that he says he's curious about an MFM three-way and perhaps during that MFM three-way, some incidental contact between him and the other man. Well, that kind of points toward possibly bi. And since you're okay with him being bi, bi is the ultimate answer to the question here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
then I would encourage you to do what you're doing, to tell your husband to go get out there, find a guy who wants to hang out with him and be his jerk-off buddy and watch straight porn and be bros and blow loads.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And maybe if you are interested, you didn't say whether you were interested or not, but if you're interested and the right other M comes along, having that MFM three-way with your husband, and then see. Maybe your husband is coming to the realization or will come to the realization that he's had a reflexible or straight identified, but into dick or bi.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And according to you, all three of those options are acceptable to you. Just the gay thing. It's not acceptable to you. And I totally understand that. And again, if you guys have a great sex life, odds are really good. He's not gay. But all signs at this moment in your marriage point to not a hundred percent straight either.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
This could be the beginning of a whole new era in your marital sex life with hot, sexy adventures that you and your husband go on together that revitalize your sex life, revitalize your sexual connection, you're going to have to sit with the uncertainty right now. You're not going to have an answer to the question that you'd like to have. Is my husband bi?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Because we can't cut his head open and read the entrails. You're going to have to wait and see. As you know, ED is a topic that comes up a lot on this show. Your sex life is important. That's why I recommend HIMSS so you can feel confident knowing you can get hard and stay hard whenever you're in the mood. HIMSS is changing men's health care. Bye-bye.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And you think they might be the sensitive type who would take to social media to complain about you after they got that invitation with a just plus one on it. Yeah.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
If prescribed, your medication ships directly to you for free. No insurance is needed. Pay one low price for your treatments, online visits, ongoing shipments, and provider messaging. HIMS has hundreds of thousands of trusted subscribers. So if ED, erectile dysfunction, is getting you down, it's time you find the option that works for you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Start your free online visit today at HIMS.com slash SAVAGE. That's H-I-M-S dot com slash savage for your personalized ED treatment options. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. HIMS dot com slash savage. The products mentioned are chewable compounded products which are not approved by or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Look, in my experience, in my lived experience, which is the best argument and most unimpeachable evidence in these subjective times in which we live, in my experience, in every poly triad, let's call it, there is one introvert in that relationship who would rather stay home. So even if you plus two someone in a poly triad, you send out that invitation technically for three hours,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Prescriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plans.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
This is one of those adorable straight people problems because if you're gay and you're dating someone and he says, oh, I'm going to go, we can't hang out tonight for whatever reason. We've just met. I'm going to go hang out with my friend, Mark.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You automatically assume that he's hooked up with Mark because most gay guys, most friends of gay guys are people that they briefly dated or hooked up with once and realized that they were better as friends. than as fuck buddies or potential romantic partners.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
So the default assumption in gay land when you're this guy you just met and you started to have a bit of a crush on and you've been seeing for a few weeks is hanging out with friends. Yeah, he's hanging out with a bunch of guys who've railed him or that he's railed. They're hearing from you like, oh, this is adorable that you –
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You have to worry about this, that you can't just assume that when your girlfriend says she's seeing a male friend that she's seeing somebody that she's hooked up with in the past the way a gay guy would assume that when his new boyfriend is seeing somebody he's friends with that it's probably somebody he's hooked up with in the past. You don't even need to drill down or address it. All right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Look. there is this interesting stage in a relationship in between that first meeting and first few weeks and the D T R defined the relationship conversation where when you have that defined the relationship conversation, you may decide you're seeing each other exclusively, but until you have that DTR conversation, um, you're not in a committed exclusive relationship with this woman.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You've only known her for six weeks. I don't want to put this in your head, but if she's going to fuck this guy tonight, that's within her right. Because as much as she may like you, as much as you may like her, as much as you both may hope that there's something here, there's no, uh, commitment. This isn't a sexually or romantically or anything exclusively relationship yet. It might be.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And it always seems to me that when people define the relationship and commit and say, we're only having sex with each other, this is a sexually exclusive relationship. that they have to kind of leave that time period alone. Those six weeks, that liminal stage in between that first meeting, your first hookup, and the DTR conversation,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Only two people are going to show up at your wedding. And if it's a destination wedding, not even the two people who came wanted to be there either. Second thing I wanted to say before we get to the calls, thank you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Whatever happened during those 10 weeks stays in those 10 weeks.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You don't put each other under oath and start asking each other a bunch of questions about where you were and what you did and who you did in that stage because you don't have a claim on that person yet because it's not a committed relationship yet because you have not defined it as sexually exclusive yet and you are both right now free actors and it is fine that you have a
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Anxious attachment style. It's a fine thing to have. Many people have that. It's not a trump card that doesn't allow you to control other people just because you have an anxious attachment style, but also you aren't attached yet. Not officially. You're hoping that you may attach at some point and then you could ask your girlfriend to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
to be a little bit more sensitive and considerate about the fact that you get a little anxious about this shit. But right now your anxieties about where she is, what she's doing, who she's with, I'm sorry, they don't have force of law because you have not had the DTR conversation. You are not yet with this woman in a sexually exclusive relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
So you're just going to have to be Zen about this. If you like her and you feel that you can trust her and she's assured you that although she's fucked these guys in the past, maybe she's one of those people whose friends are all people that she's hooked up with in the past. Not just gay guys who roll that way. Some straight women roll that way too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
If you feel like you can trust her and she says, I'm not going to fuck this guy, believe her. After you have that DTR conversation and you do become sexually exclusive, don't ask her a lot of questions about whether or not she fucked that guy that night when she was still within her rights to fuck that guy that night if she wanted to fuck that guy that night. Just leave it alone.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Thank you to everyone who jumped into the comment thread on last week's show to share your FAFO stories, your fucked around and found out something good stories, reading about your sexual adventures and the risks you took and the good things you found out. after taking those risks, after fucking around. It was the best birthday present ever. It was just what I wanted. How did you know? Oh, right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Couple privilege. It's real. It exists. And I don't think as the married couple, as the couple that's been together longer and has invested more in your relationship, I don't think you should pretend that couple privilege isn't something you enjoy, but also isn't something that you're entitled to. You guys have been together for a long time. You have just recently opened your relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And along comes this third person who knows you're married, who knows that you've been together a long time, who knows it would be much easier for the two of you to walk away from her than it would be for either of you to walk away from each other. And those are just –
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
prices of admission that a third has to be willing to pay has to be realistic about recognizing that power differential to date a couple at all. And yeah, maybe that sucks. Maybe that's hierarchical in a way that's insidious, but it's just reality. And I think it's more insidious when people in established long-term couples who are married and own houses and have kids are
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You knew because I asked. Like I'm always telling listeners, the best way to get what you want is to ask for it. And I asked for it and I got what I wanted. So many great stories, including so many great Met sleazy stories, as opposed to all those Met cute stories we hear all the time. Met sleazy stories. My favorite kind of meeting stories. Thank you for sharing them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
lie to a third person that they're dating together about being an equal partner in the relationship. That's just not true because that's just not possible.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
I think it's much better for a couple to be on the same page about what it is they want, what is it they're open to, what space exists in their relationship for a third person, and then to communicate all of that to some third person that they like and they're dating. And I'm sorry, it does come down to a take it or leave it sort of situation. This is who we are.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
This is what we mean to each other. This is... how we've structured our open relationships so that our relationship doesn't fall apart, so that we're both comfortable and consenting to this open relationship. And there is this room and space in our relationship and our marriage for a third person. And if you'd like to be that third person, at least for now, this is the space available.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And if that's not enough space for you, or you feel constrained or secondary, then you're free to go over time. You know, when you're in a couple and you're with a third person and you've been together for years and years and years, and you're much more invested in the relationship, it's much harder to walk away from that relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Over time, that three-way throuple relationship can become more egalitarian. Certain decisions that two months in may have been the couples alone could five years in become the throuples together. Things like where to go on vacation, things like where to live or move depending on whose career requires a move or how to navigate that if it should come to that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Or, you know, if we're going to sell this house and buy a new one, you know, two months in, the third doesn't get a say. Five years in, 10 years in, we're going to sell this house and buy a new one that's where we're all going to live as we've been living in this house that we originally bought for two of us. The third gets a say.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
But what becomes for the couple instantaneous when they commit to each other, when they marry, that this is a partnership, it's just a reality, just a fact on the ground that if it's a committed throuple and a third is brought into an ongoing committed relationship, joins a going concern,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
That that equal say is something that over time the third person earns or grows into, but it takes, it takes time. So it was my advice to you as the couple and Terry and I have been that couple is to not fucking lie, to not tell somebody two months in three months in even a year or two in you are an equal partner with an equal say in the sorts of decisions a couple would typically make together.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You are a junior partner with a say. but a junior partner, say. And I think that honesty, so that people's expectations are realistic, can make that relationship resilient, strong, and make everybody in it feel safe and comfortable. And my advice to a third who's dating a couple, you're not dating two individuals. You are dating a couple, singular. And you can't rush that process.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Two things I wanted to quickly cover before we get to your questions and kick off this week's show. I logged back on to a certain social media platform after being mostly offline for the better part of a week. And the first post I saw was someone from one of my communities saying this, we need to talk about how giving people a plus one for events is low key polyphobic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
But you have to get there in time, whether you're dating one person or whether you're dating one couple. It takes time. This episode is brought to you by one of my favorite websites, Dipsy. Listen to this description for one of their all-American stories. Harper steps into the intensity of Logan's world when she attends her first ever... Cowboys game.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
But there's one story I wanted to highlight, Randy's FAFO story. Randy said it was a tame one, but you know what? It was a great one with lessons in it for a lot of us. The risk Randy took was an ask, not an act. After a cancer scare, he went to the wife and asked about opening up their relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
When Logan secures a last-minute victory, Harper joins him on the field for a celebratory kiss. Amidst the post-game frenzy, they steal a moment alone in the deserted press room. Dot, dot, dot. This one is under the category Dirty Talk at Dipsy and has the following tags. Her plus him, rough and wild, he doms, in public, spontaneous, and deep voice. Dipsy. Dipsy, what is Dipsy?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Dipsy is an app full of hundreds of short, spicy audio stories. If you are like me, if you prefer erotica, reading it, listening to it, Dipsy is the place for you. Dipsy brings scenarios to life with immersive soundscapes and realistic characters. At Dipsy, you can discover stories about second chance romances, adventurous vacation flings, and hot and heavy hookups.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And at Dipsy, there's a growing library of fantasy series with werewolves, Regency-era historical fiction inspired by you-know-what, and fairy smut. Who doesn't like fairy smut? Everybody likes fairy smut to help you explore the bounds of your imagination and your pleasures.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
I like this football direction they're going in, though, because jockstraps in locker rooms and because I saw Best Little Horror House in Texas at an impressionable time. New content released every week at Dipsy. So in between listening to your favorite stories again and again, you can always find something new to explore.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Dipsy offers a modern approach to romance through high quality and captivating audio fiction. For listeners of the show, Dipsy is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage. That's 30 days of full access for free. When you go to D I P S E A stories.com slash savage, let Dipsy know the love cast sent you Dipsy stories.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And then she opened up during that conversation about opening up that she was feeling increasingly ace slash aero. And seven years later, still together, still married, Randy and the wife. Randy dates other people. His wife does not. And they are in what he describes as a companionate and very happy marriage still. That got me thinking. Like most open relationships were monogamous at the start.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
I did three seconds worth of research and found this on Google. Most courts, yes, this could wind up in court if you have a custody dispute about this dog. Most courts see an animal as property. As such, the person who paid for the animal is the one who is entitled to keep them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Though this is not always set in stone, there are other considerations that may be taken into account, such as the non-purchaser's provision of other necessities. That would, I think, cover you since you're the one who's paid for animals. that and care of the dog and grooming and whatever else you may win a custody dispute with your ex-boyfriend and wind up with the dog.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
But if what you want is your ex-boyfriend the fuck out of your life, that winning of the custody dispute could be a Pyrrhic victory because it could come down a court. If this winds up in court, then sometimes these disputes do the court could grant you shared custody of the dog. And then he remains in your life because you're having to come to agreements about grooming and care.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And when the dog needs to go to the vet and splitting the bills and him dropping the dog off at your place and you dropping the dog off at his place, um, Fighting with him for the dog could wind up keeping him in your life, which you say you don't want. You say you want him out of your life, which means if that's your primary objective, you may have to let him have...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
his dog, the dog that you both agreed when you adopted it was his and he would get and get to keep if you two broke up as you now have. I understand why this is a torment for you. I have dogs, sort of. They're my husband's dog and his boyfriend's dog, but I am now a dog lover of sorts, a reluctant dog lover. I just love our dogs. I don't love your dogs.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Anybody out there listening, I don't like your dog. I like our dogs. And I understand what it's like to be attached to a dog. But you have to put yourself first here. And if this is an abusive relationship and the only way to get him all the way the fuck out of your life is So let him have the dog. For your own sake, you might want to let him have the dog.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And who knows, right now, if you two are fighting over the dog, the dog has become a symbol of power, control, retribution, vengeance. Whoever gets the dog wins, gets something over on the other person. And it may be that if you tell him he can have the dog and also tell him you don't think that's in the best interest of the dog,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Once you stop fighting over the dog, once it's no longer tug of war, once he's free to go with the dog, he may be able to see that it is in the best interest of the dog to let him stay with you, to let you have possession of the dog. But it's a risk. You may tell him he can take the dog and he may take the dog. But what are you going to do? Are you going to fight him? Are you going to go to court?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Most sexless marriages were sexual at the start. A lot of people have a hard time addressing the disappearance of sex from a long-term relationship, addressing it directly. And Randy's story is really a great example of a couple that successfully managed the pivot from sexual to companionate in an open and honest way.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Are you going to wind up with a shared custody agreement of the dog that keeps him in your life? Until the dog dies. I don't think that's in your best interests considering that this was an emotionally abusive relationship. Keep your word as painful as it may be to lose the dog, to not have the dog in your life anymore. Let him take the fucking dog. All right, time for listener feedback.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Tons of advice, so much great advice for the guy with the pregnancy fetish. Maybe Randy and I weren't the perfect people to answer that question. That's why it's great that so many Savage Love commenters stepped up.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Says Elm Syrup, I don't see why the pregnancy fetish was considered so weird by Dan and Randy compared to other types of fetishes. And if the caller puts his ask on a hookup app, somebody who's pregnant and willing to be objectified might respond. Says Marsh LC, setting things up so a pregnant woman would feel safe would be the hardest part, I think.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Women are vulnerable already and being pregnant on top of it, I would maybe... If I were that woman, want to bring a friend along, says Slam Ross. The pregnancy fetishist can look for pregnant sex workers. I have a friend who does sex work who did this. She was very busy during her pregnancy. And finally, says Pentatonic, I wonder if finding a woman with a curvy belly would work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
He mentioned rubbing her belly as a part of his kink and fake bellies didn't work for him, but maybe a curvy woman with a belly that he could imagine was pregnant would do the trick. A woman with a belly who's open to indulging his kink would be a lot easier to find, would avoid the complications that actual pregnancy can cause, and best of all, says Pentatonic, wouldn't have an expiration date.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
All right, for more listener-to-listener advice action, be sure to read the comment threads and comment in the comment threads on every week's show at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And for more listener feedback and my responses to listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday where I respond to listener and reader comments and post a letter I got at Savage Love that isn't going to make it into the column and let you guys give the advice.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And now everybody's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and my listeners get to have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
A pivot, most of us, if our relationships last decades and decades and decades, will eventually, if not for sexual reasons, maybe for reasons of physical limitation or disease or infirmity, have to make. We default into monogamy, many of us, when we get into relationships, not an active choice. A lot of couples out there slide into companionate without it feeling like an active or honest choice.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your questions and comments for future shows. You can record your question or your comment on our website at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Hump 2024 Part 2 screens in theaters in Nashville, Brooklyn, and Atlanta this weekend, Baltimore, New Orleans, and Vancouver. You're up next. If you can't make it to a theater for a hump screening, you can invite friends over and host a hump screening in your apartment, have a viewing party, and stream Hump at Home.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Tickets, streaming passes, and everything you need to know about getting your film into Hump 2025 can be found at humpfilmfest.com. And again, we're having a Savage Love Live this Thursday, noon West Coast, 3 East Coast. Check your email in the morning, Thursday morning, for the link subs, and we will see you there. Follow me on Instagram and Threads, at Dan Savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Follow me at Blue Sky, at Dan Savage. Follow Eli McCann on Twitter, at Eli McCann. Read his column in the Salt Lake City Tribune. And for more of his essays and humor pieces, check out his website, itjustgetsstranger.com. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at-risk youth and Nancy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
We will all be back at you next week with an installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Sometimes it's scary to address that disappearance of sex from a long-term relationship directly. It's scary to talk about it. Because it's a risky conversation. One person might be bitter or angry and suppressing a lot of anger and hurt, and the convo could surface all of that anger and hurt.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
But Randy's story shows that sometimes risking having that conversation can recenter the relationship in a healthy way. And that companionate stage you're in that you slid into can become a choice you've both made and can become a joyful new phase of your long-term relationship as it did for Randy and his wife.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Again, like I said, so many great stories, but Randy was the one that kind of touched me and I thought everybody should take a moment to read and think about. All right, quickly, before we get to the show, save the date, savage the date, our next Savage Love Live for Magnum subs this Thursday, October 17th, noon Pacific, 3 Eastern.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Savage Love Live, of course, is a special Zoom hangout exclusively for our Magnum subscribers. Not one of my subs yet and want to come to Savage Love Live, become one of my subs now at savage.love slash subscribe. And you too will get an invite to join us for Savage Love Live in your email inbox on Thursday morning.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me on the Magnum, lawyer, dad, author, and humor columnist for the Salt Lake City Tribune, Eli McCann is here. Eli helps me answer that age-old question, what do you do when your kid comes out as queer and you want to be supportive, but your queer kid is being a huge dick? What then?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And then I tell Eli the real reason why I invited him on the show. Eli was raised Mormon, lives and writes in Salt Lake City, often writes about the Mormon church. Who better to talk to about everyone's current reality TV obsession, the secret lives of Mormon wives than Eli. That's all coming up on today's show. Now let's get to that first call. This episode is sponsored by HIMSS.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at himss.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And my first thought as a person in a polyamorous relationship was, do we though? Do we really need to discuss this right now? There's a lot going on right now. I don't know if this is what we need to drop everything else and talk about right now. Look, I know the world is built for couples and that can create headaches for those of us who aren't coupled off, but rather tripled or quadrupled off.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Dipsy. Dipsy is an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women. Get an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Lots of people go to sex parties, sex clubs, public sex environments to look for people that they've never met before who might want to have sex with them and to approach people in these environments that they're attracted to and hit on them. But you can go to a public sex environment. You can go to a sex party. You can go to a sex club. And you can bring a date.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And you can go in there and just have sex with each other in this erotically charged environment where you're just showing off, maybe taking in some other people, where you're being the voyeur and the exhibitionist. And still... not having sex with anybody else, plowing all of that sexual energy and arousal and eroticism right into your monogamous partner.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
That is definitely a thing that people do. That is not an unrealistic expectation to have. What is going to happen in this environment is once you enter this environment, this is a place where you are – by entering this environment, you are signaling to others that you may – because most people in that environment are open to fucking around with other people that they don't know or just met.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
So you and your partner may have to – say no to people who have expectations or hopes. They saw you, you're hot. They think, ah, I hope I can get with them. And they may approach you and you'll have to tell them that they can't get with you. And you're not violating a social obligation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You are violating, and not violating, you are swimming against the current of the social norm in that environment where most of the people in that environment are open to play with others, with strangers, with people they didn't arrive with. But no one in a public sex environment, no one in a sex club, no one at a sex party is obligated to sleep with anyone that they don't want to sleep with.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Look, my fellow poly people, when you get that invitation to the wedding and it's almost always a wedding where there's A plus one where you are invited to invite someone or bring somebody along with you. It's not so you can bring every emotionally significant person in your life to the event. It's so that you can have someone at the event that you know. So you don't have to come alone.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And if you and your girlfriend don't want to fuck around with anybody else, you don't have to. All that said, who knows? You might be inspired to the potential danger here, potential conflict is that one of you will want to, and the other won't.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And one will be angry that the other was tempted or wanted to, or wanted to renegotiate the terms of what you guys were interested in doing or available to do while you were in the sex club. So before you go, if you're going in only to play with each other, you have to swear to each other that even if tempted while you're in the space in the moment that night,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
If one of you is tempted or Yahtzee, both of you are tempted, you're not going to bring it up. You're not going to renegotiate your terms, the agreement that you two made entering that space.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
If after you've been there, you have your little after action report, you tell each other how it felt, what you enjoyed, what you didn't enjoy, what you liked, what you might want to do next time, one of you or both of you want to bring that up, then you can think about it. But just, it's really dangerous.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
For a couple who've gone into a sex club or a sex party and sworn they're only going to play with each other, really dangerous to try to upgrade to playing with others in the moment. Because one person might really want to and the other person might feel pressured to. And that can have catastrophic consequences after the fact. When that post-nut clarity swamps you and the one who was sort of
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
ambivalent about it or a little reluctant but went along could wind up feeling tricked or violated. So just don't fucking do that. You go to that first sex party and I agree you shouldn't wait until you're bored or old or tired of each other or your sex life is falling apart to go.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
When you go to this party, young and hot lesbians, when you go to this party, if you're only going in to have sex with each other, only have sex with each other. And if other people approach you, they're not doing anything wrong.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Unless after you say no, where if it's kind of touchy environment, after you gently remove their hand, if one of them, somebody reaches out and starts touching you, if it's that kind of sex club or sex party, if they keep asking or keep putting that hand back, then they've done something wrong. But nobody's done anything wrong if while you're at the lesbian sex rave, somebody approaches you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Somebody wants to fuck you. That's what everybody's there for. But if you're only there for each other, you only have to fuck each other. You don't have to fuck anybody else. Have fun.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
So you're not at a wedding where you don't know anyone. You don't have anybody to talk to. You don't have anybody to dish with. That's what the plus one is for. It's why people who aren't in relationships at all, who have no significant, at least romantically significant others in their lives are given a plus one. So they have someone, one, someone singular at the event with them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Before we start this week's show, I just want to say our hearts go out to everyone in the Los Angeles area who's been affected by these wildfires, which are still burning. People have lost their homes, loved ones, possessions, pets. I know people in LA are really pulling together right now. A special shout out to my friends in LA who've opened your homes to people who've lost theirs.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
You make a persuasive case. for donuts as the feast to the ass treat. I rise in defense of the humble, not at all elitist. This is the cake pan of Midwestern church ladies, the humble bunt cake. when a holiday rolls around, there are special treats associated with that holiday. They usually have to go to some effort to make or track down or buy the fruitcake, those Christmas cookies.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
There's a kind of Christmas cookie I make for my family every year. Never make it the rest of the year because it's a huge pain in the ass. Christmas, I do what I need to do to make those vanilla ribbon cookies, the Santa cookies for my family. And I think For Feast of the Ass, you can go out of your way to make that Bundt cake.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
But if you don't have access to a Bundt cake or a simple Bundt cake recipe, I'm going to share one actually in struggle session this week that a reader sent in for Feast of the Ass celebrants. You can go with donuts, or donuts can be a feast of the ass treat too, so long as they are not covered in chocolate sprinkles or chocolate icing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Somebody just wrote in and suggested that the feast of the ass treat should be those little chocolate stars. They're kind of a candy that your grandmother might have had on hand, little piped chocolate stars, and they... No, no, no, no. We're not invoking... Somebody said the tunnel of fudge Bundt cake should have been the feast of the ass Bundt cake instead of the glazed orange.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
For those of you who aren't caught up on your love casts, for those of you who missed the show that came out on Christmas Eve, December 24th, and my interview in that show with medieval historian Dr. Eleanor Janaga, quickly to summarize, the Feast of the Ass was an annual holiday, a feast day celebrated by Catholics.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
No, we're not associating fudge or chocolate or chocolate sprinkles or chocolate frosting or chocolate icing or chocolate filling, most importantly chocolate filling, with... The feast of the ass for reasons that are so obvious I shouldn't have to explain them again. So yes, donuts. Cake donuts. Maple bars, although that maple frosting looked a little bit like Santorum.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Gotta say, donuts, not chocolate donuts. In a pinch, if you can't, go to the effort to obtain sissycakes.com or bake a Bundt cake for your feast of the ass, sweetie. I will allow it. I will allow donuts.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And a couple of years after your friend, your best friend joined the Navy, somebody got to him, something got to him and decided he wasn't gay anymore, proving that actually it's being straight or straight identified. That's the choice. And your best friend ain't your best friend anymore. Or that best friend isn't your best friend anymore. That happens. Life is long. People enter our lives.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And this was at a time when all Christians were Catholics, you know, what my grandma called the good old days. And this holiday was ostensibly held by The excuse for it was the flight of the Holy Family into Egypt after King Herod ordered the execution of all boys under age two in Bethlehem when he heard that a king had been born in Bethlehem.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
They're important to us. Ideally, hopefully, if shit works out, they're important to us for the rest of our lives, all of our lives. But people leave our lives. People exit our lives. Marriages end. Friendships end. People die. change.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
People aren't static and what might've made somebody the right person to be in your life at the right time and the right best friend for you at a certain time in your life, that person may not be that person all their life or all your life. And so my pep talk, I'm not gonna tell you it gets better. I am gonna tell you it gets better. But you know how it gets better?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
We got a video submission to the It Gets Better campaign, one of the first ones, and I loved it so much. And it was this Latina person who looked at the camera and said, it doesn't get better, you get stronger. Get stronger, get stronger.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
you sleep with men man up at some point like just get stronger about this try to put this in perspective and be grateful to the universe that this person was a part of your life when they could be a part of your life when they were emotionally healthy enough to be a part of your life and they meant something to you and you can treasure that memory and you can treasure that time
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
this relationship, this friendship was one day going to end, ended sooner than you might've liked it to end because your friend joined the Navy and lost his fucking mind and his moral compass. And you can't control that. And, I recognize you're having big feelings about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
I honor your big feelings, feel your big feelings, and then turn your attentions away from this person and what they meant to you and how devastated you were by this, what you felt like a rejection. And maybe he targeted it at you personally as a rejection. Maybe he made you a symbol of his homosexuality and attacked you. I don't know what that message he sent you or made public was like, but
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
What can you do? Literally nothing. You can do nothing except turn your attentions and affections toward the people in your life who make you feel whatever the opposite of this feeling you're having right now is. Focus on them, other people in your life, better people in your life, people who deserve your attention and affection and emotional energy in a way that this guy no longer does.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
So yeah, there's my pep talk. It gets better when you get stronger. TikTok, time to get stronger. This episode is brought to you by Blueland. Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown away each year? And if that's not bad enough, most cleaning formulas are 90% water, which is heavy to ship, leading to excessive carbon emissions.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Plus, those products are often filled with nasty ingredients like chlorine and ammonia. That is a lose-lose solution for you, for your skin. For the planet, it's just stupid. Blueland is on a mission to eliminate a whole lot of single-use plastic by reinventing cleaning essentials to be better for you and better for the planet with the same powerful clean you're used to. The idea is simple.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
They offer refillable cleaning products with a beautiful, cohesive design that looks great on your counter. Just fill your reusable bottles with water, drop in the tablets, and wait for them to dissolve. You'll never have to schlep bulky cleaning supplies home from the grocery store ever again. Refills start at just $2.25. You can even set up a subscription or buy in bulk for additional savings.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Mary and the baby Jesus, with Joseph at their side, fled into Egypt on the back of a donkey and ass. And the holiday officially celebrated the donkey's role in saving the life of baby Jesus, who his father sent down to earth to die for our sins, but not yet. later. Three decades and change later.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Blueland products are independently tested to perform alongside major brands and are free from dyes, bleach, and harsh, irritating chemicals. From cleaning sprays to hand soaps, toilet bowl cleaner, and laundry tablets, all Blueland products are made with clean ingredients you can feel good about. Blueland is already trusted in over 1 million homes, including mine. Yours should be next.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
I am so happy that we are reducing plastic and plastic waste from our lives. And as the main cleaner in our home, I can attest to the high quality of their products. They work great and they smell really nice too. Blueland has a special offer right now for our listeners. Get 15% off. Off your first order right now by going to blueland.com slash savage. You won't want to miss this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Blueland.com slash savage for 15% off. Your skin will thank you. The earth will thank you. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. Blueland.com slash savage to get 15% off.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
But really, as Dr. Yonaga explained to us on the show December 24th, the Feast of the Ass was a party for people who needed a party in mid-January. The Feast of the Ass fell off the calendar centuries ago, which left us without a festive holiday to look forward to between Christmas and St. Valentine's Day. So we decided here at the Lovecast to bring back the Feast of the Ass.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
So this woman, this woman you like, this kind woman... is so skinny, you don't want to fuck her. You're not that attracted to her. She's so not your usual physical type that you're having to game your systems in order to build up any interest in getting with her sexually. You're avoiding porn.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
You're not masturbating so that when you do see her, you'll be so desperately horny that you will fuck her anyway, even though she's not... your type. It's fine to have a type. It's fine to have physical preferences. It is not fine to attempt to mold people into your type to try to force them to become the physical person or type, the body that you usually get with or are attracted to.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
It's only been a couple of months. I think the kindest possible thing you can do in a situation like this is just recognize that it's not working out for reasons that aren't yours to attempt to control. You don't get to retrofit this woman.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
You don't get to edit or change or blow up or inflate her body to suit you, to fit into your erotic narrative or work with your erotic imagination about the body type that really like gets you going.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
If a particular body type is necessary for you to experience arousal and be intimate with someone, or there's one or two physical types that are libido killers for you, go seek that physical type that arouses you and don't date people.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
that are a physical type that doesn't arouse you because you will eventually find yourself in this position where someone's made a minor, let's not overestimate this, it's only been a couple of months, somebody's made a minor emotional investment in you and has begun a couple months in to start thinking of this relationship as having legs, skinny legs, potentially long-term.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And it's just not going to work out. It's not going to work out for reasons that You shouldn't rake yourself over the coals about. You gave it a chance. You gave her a chance. You gave Skinny a chance. And it's just not working for you. And if you're at the point where you're like, my options here are avoiding porn,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Trying to build up enough of an erotic charge of self-denial and desperation that I'll want to fuck her or tricking her into eating more than she would otherwise normally eat in an effort to make her ass bigger for me. Yeah. The right thing to do in a situation like that is say, hey, look.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
i'm really sorry i really like you i hope we can be friends that's the queer superpower a lot of queer people's friends are people that they briefly dated or even dated for a long time i hope we can be really good friends but i don't think that this is going to work out and it's not your fault and it's not my fault her body unless she is seriously unhealthy and requires an intervention
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Because she does have an observable eating disorder, in which case you need to link arms with family or friends, people you probably haven't met eight weeks into this relationship. But if it's just this is her natural body type and she's just a slim person, thank her for her service and end the relationship. And keep your feelings about the inadequacies of her body to yourself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And to do that, to make the Feast of the Ass a proper modern holiday in our proper modern calendars, we had to give it the trappings of modern holidays, the things they all share, the four Ms, as I like to call them, merch, munchies, mascots, and music. I arranged for the first three M's. We're selling Feast of the Ass t-shirts and hats at savage.love slash shop.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Even if you're breaking up with somebody and they ask you for the real reason, if the real reason is something that once they've heard, they can't unhear and is likely to stay with them in a way that could do them long-term damage, that could make it impossible for them to feel comfortable naked in front of anybody else ever again, you don't say that thing out loud even if it's the truth, even if they beg you for the truth.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Sometimes the loving fucking thing to do is lean on the white lies that are available to us all. It's not you, it's me, it's not the right time for me, blah, blah, blah, whatever, and spare this person. Because she's going to feel like it's her fault. And if there's nothing wrong with her body, if she's not unhealthy, if she doesn't have disordered eating, it's not her fault. It's yours.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And it's not your fault either. It's just like how you're wired sexually and erotically. You tried to make this work. It's not going to work. And you end it. That's how you honor the campsite rule. You honor the campsite rule by sticking the dismount, by leaving someone in better shape than you found them. Be kind. Lean on the white lies. Wind this relationship down. And don't wind it down.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
End this relationship. That's honoring the campsite rule. This episode is sponsored by Phoria, makers of Awaken Arousal Oil, Intimacy Melts, and Sex Oil. Sex Oil, it's fun to say, it's even more fun to use. Awaken Arousal Oil is like a juicy warmup that helps you get really turned on, increasing your pleasure, deepening your orgasms, and strengthening your connection with your partner. Bye-bye.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Terry and I made a donation to World Central Kitchen, which is feeding firefighters and displaced people in LA right now, and to the Wildfire Recovery Fund at the California Community Foundation. I recommend both of these charities. If you're in a position to help, please do. Okay, now we're going to start the show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Their pleasure set includes all three, and I highly recommend you try this mind-blowing triad of pleasure products. This is what science is for, people. This is what science can bring us, what it can do for you and yours. And for your products, make a great feast of the ass gift. It's not too late. And St. Valentine's Day is coming.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
So as your resident sexologist and your gay uncle, you have my blessing. Go ahead, treat yourself to a juicy, deep, sensual experience with a bottle of Phoria. Phoria is offering a special deal right now for our listeners. Get 20% off your first order by visiting PhoriaWellness.com slash SAVAGE or use code SAVAGE at checkout.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
That's F-O-R-I-A wellness.com slash savage for 20% off your first order. I recommend trying their new massage oil combined with their Awaken Arousal Oil. You can and will thank me later.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
I'm going to be talking to Rebecca Wolf at the end of this episode about Nicole Kidman's performance in Baby Girl, about the movie Baby Girl. One of the things that's really remarkable about Baby Girl is there are the orgasms Nicole Kidman pretends to have,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
with her husband and then there are the orgasms she actually has when she masturbates or later in the film when she first has an orgasm oh my god this is such spoiler alert shit spoiler spoiler skip ahead if you don't want to hear details of baby girl if you haven't heard haven't seen baby girl yet everything i'm talking about happens in the first two minutes so i'm not giving much away
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
It's not a holiday under late stage capitalism if someone isn't selling you shit. So until Target and Walmart decide to get in on the action, we will be selling you Feast of the Ass shit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
But there are the orgasms Nicole Kidman's character has, Romy is the character's name, when she's pretending to have an orgasm. And then the orgasms she actually has where she makes these weird guttural animal gross grunting sounds where she loses control. And it's one of the messages of the film that women are not allowed to Be animals like that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And so your question is about a guy and the weird sounds a guy is making. And what I want to tell you is people are allowed to make whatever sounds they need to make, want to make, do make. They're not in control of those sounds necessarily. Just like we're not in control of the faces we make when we're climaxing. And you kind of have to be okay with it. You can get used to it. You can actually...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Do a little pivot where you invest in it because this is how my lover sounds when I have gotten my lover there. And it may feel strange or off-putting at first if you're with somebody new and they make some crazy fucking face, crazy fucking sound. You will get used to it. You will acclimate in time. You can make a conscious decision to –
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
open up to a positive association, to positively associating, positively correlating those sounds, that face with pleasure, your pleasure. And if you came first, you got yours, but also your capacity to give them pleasure. And you will, with a little effort, little intentionality, you will begin to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
It's too late, of course, to get your Feast of the Ass hats or t-shirts for this year, but you can order hats and t-shirts right now for next year and wear them all year long to help raise awareness before Feast of the Ass rolls around again in 2026.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
perceive what now is off-putting as the win it actually is and evidence of this person's comfort level with you that they can be vulnerable like that with you in the moment and make those fucking gross crazy fucking sounds when they're blowing their lungs This episode is brought to you by field.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
It seems like so many of my listeners are talking about and using field these days and with good reason field lets you have control of your matches, not some creepy algorithm field is an app where curious people come to connect on field. You have the breathing room to explore your own desires. free from gatekeeping. Here's what that looks like. You decide who and what you like.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Sifting through an avalanche of likes is exhausting. On field, you can filter your likes based on preferences like sexuality, desires, gender, and age. which makes it so much easier to cut straight to the likes from like-minded people. No algorithmic gatekeeping on Field. The only person who can determine what you like is you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
To honor the complexity of human desire, Field presents you with all options and leaves you in control of your experience. No pressure to swipe. If you happen to skip someone's profile, you can always ask to go back or undo your dislike at no extra cost. And you can bring your people along.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Field's new constellation features lets you link profiles with your friends and lovers, so new connections will see who you are within your social context. Start a group chat and find your people with your people. There's no limit to how many times you can change your sexuality, desires, interests, or gender identity at Field.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
In fact, 62% of Field members evolved their sexuality, interests, and desires within their first year on the app. Whether you just moved to a new city and need to find a new community, or you're traveling and looking to meet new people, you can find a new bestie at Field. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
If you've been wondering about Field because you've heard so much about Field on this show from callers, not just from hosts, I, Dan Savage, recommend that you finally give Field a try yourself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
munchies got that covered glazed bundt cakes are the traditional feast of the ass treat because i said so and we've been encouraging people to order their feast of the ass cakes at sissycakes.com but in a pinch sticky buns and donuts also acceptable feast of the ass treats And of course, I created a mascot for Feast of the Ass, Buddy, the Feast of the Ass donkey.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Now, now is when you start talking to your gay son about sex, gay sex, and crap. Your son is not going to want to talk with you about any of those things. So it's your job as the parent to figure out what it is you think your son needs to know and then sit him down and he's going to say, mom, I already know this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
I don't need, you don't need to tell me, but they're going to say that whether they know it or not. And you have to push through it. You What you say to them is like, of course you're going to say that to me, that you know all this, that you don't need to talk to me about it, you don't need to hear it from me. But that's what all kids say because they want to get out of this conversation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
So I need to tell you anyway, because you might not know any of this. And I need to know for sure that you know it. And so the longer you fight me on having this conversation, the longer this conversation takes. You want this conversation to end? Let's have this conversation without a lot of wrestling about it. What does your son need to know?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Well, if he's sexually active, if he's having sex with men, he needs to get on PrEP. He needs to know that he doesn't have to get on PrEP right now. If he wants to use condoms, he also has the outer course of option, which is if he's very young and sexually active, he's dating when the guy says, or when he says to the guy, what are you into?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
He is allowed to say, I am not into anal and he can remove any risk of HIV without having to get on prep for now and reserve big boy butt sex for later when he's a little bit older when he's a bigger boy. And mutual masturbation, oral sex, they are sex and they are good sex.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And despite the perception that a lot of gay people, young gay people, inexperienced gay people get from gay porn or they get from sex ed materials targeting gay and bi men, Really, most of the sex adult gay and bi men have most of the time is oral and mutual masturbation, which present very little risk of HIV transmission.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Risk for all the other sexually transmitted infections that he needs to worry about, but... Not HIV, which means he doesn't have to worry about getting on PrEP if he's going to limit himself to, at least with casual partners for now, oral mutual masturbation. Awkward things for moms to talk with their gay sons about. Things moms might have to talk with their gay sons about.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
The other thing you're going to have to talk with him about, in addition to reminding him, is we should remind all kids that As action movies are to Tuesdays, so is porn to actual sex. It's a distortion. Tuesdays don't look like Bruce Willis movies from the 80s and 90s, and real sex often doesn't look like porn. Occasionally, an action movie breaks out on a Tuesday, but that's not a usual Tuesday.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Usual sex doesn't look like sex and porn most of the time, something that kids need to know. The other thing I always think we should say to kids about sex is, or about porn, when you watch porn, what do you think happened before they started filming? And a light bulb goes off in a kid's head. They go, oh, they talked about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Yeah, they negotiated what was going to happen, what they were going to film. It was a conversation first. Consent was obtained in advance. Porn can make it look like sex just breaks out. It just happens. But when you're watching porn, there was a decision to turn on a camera. There was a decision to make a film about
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Buddy is to Feast of the Ass what Peter Rabbit is to Easter and Cupid is to St. Valentine's Day. And Buddy has a girlfriend, Rose. Rose and Buddy. But the last M, that last M, it was the most problematic M for me. Music. I love musicals, but I am not a musical person. I couldn't write a Feast of the Ass song on my own. So we challenged our listeners just three weeks ago.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And there was an agreement before that was made, before the camera began to roll, about what was going to be filmed and what was going to happen. And you need to have those kinds of conversations with your first boyfriends the same way the porn stars that you're hoping to emulate when you begin to have sex had those conversations with their exes. co-stars.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
The last thing you need to talk about is Grindr. You know, when I was a gay kid, when I was a teenager, my boyfriend was in his late 20s and I was a teenager and that was a wildly inappropriate relationship. And what I thought at the time, although it was a great relationship, he was really good to me, he really helped me. What I thought at the time was, well, I have no options.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Nobody my age is out. And my options are no boyfriend or an inappropriate boyfriend. And of course, I chose the inappropriate boyfriend. And I always thought one of the good things about kids coming out younger and younger would be is that eventually...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Young gay boys would have the option of dating the other out gay boys in their high schools or their middle schools, just like little straight kids have the option of dating other little straight kids in their high schools or middle schools, and sometimes the closeted gay kids in their high schools and middle schools. That's not what's happened.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Everybody I talk to who's 30 or under about their first relationships, first sexual experiences, rarely was it somebody, some other gay kid who was out that they knew about In their social circle or in high school, rarely, almost invariably, it was still somebody kind of inappropriate that they met on Grindr when they were fingers crossed 18, which is when you're allowed to get on Grindr.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Some people get on Grindr before they're 18. It's a problem. And so you need to say to your kid, look, everybody you meet on Grindr isn't going to be a serial killer, right? But you may meet some people on Grindr who are looking for young and inexperienced boys so that they can exploit your naivete and inexperience to get what they want.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
You know, the problem, the thing we never want to think about with young people becoming sexually active is like, oh, beware of these creeps who want to use you when... What that kid is thinking is, oh my God, I so desperately want to be used. And you need to figure out how to balance that in this conversation with your son. There are people who are going to want to use you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
I understand that you want to be used. There are ways you want to exist sexually in the world and give and get pleasure, but you need to be on your guard. And the most important thing that you can do for your kid is tell them they can come to you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
What I saw when I was closeted and a teenager and I had a boyfriend who was 10, 12 years older than I was, when my sister had an issue with her boyfriend who was age appropriate, she could talk to my mom about it. And if my sister's boyfriend was telling my sister, if you love me, we wouldn't have to use condoms. She would say that to my mom who would blow the fuck up.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
She would say that to my mom who would call my sister's boyfriend on the phone and blow the fuck up at him. And I couldn't say anything to my mom about what my boyfriend was saying to me because my mom didn't know I had a boyfriend and I couldn't tell her. Your kid, when he becomes sexually active, make sure that he knows he can come to you. He has a question.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
If somebody is making him feel uncomfortable, if he feels like he's being pressured, if somebody told him something and said, this is normal, everybody does this, he can bounce that off you and you can Google it together. and that you will be the mom on the phone yelling at the boyfriend for your son, the same way my mom was the mom on the phone yelling at her boyfriend for my sister.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
One of the things we pretend we hate about our parents when we're adolescents, but we rely on our parents for, and we're grateful to our parents one day Two, for having intervened, for having interfered. That's what so many gay kids who are closeted don't have in their lives is the normal, healthy interventions and interference from their parents that their straight siblings or peers benefit from.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
to come up with, to write, to compose, to sing and record Feast of the Asked Carols. And boy, did you, our listeners, did you ever come through so many great, hilarious, amazing Feast of the Asked Carols. We can't play them all here. but I tell you what we are going to do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And that's what your kid has, which I didn't have when I was a teenager. That's what your kid has to such an advantage that you can be there for him when he needs you. That's how you end that conversation that your kid doesn't want to have.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
You say this was a weaponization of queer discourse to rationalize the orgasm gap. I say the devil can cite scripture for his purpose, an evil soul producing holy witness. Fuck these guys. Don't fuck these guys. Never fuck these guys again. These guys have disqualified themselves from ever being within a hundred yards of your pussy when your pussy is out and open for business ever again. Yeah.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Expecting an orgasm is heteronormative, says the heterosexual guys who just had their orgasms. Fuck that. No, no, no, no. Fuck that. Don't fuck them. Never fuck them again. Talk shit about them to other women in your social circles, in your lives, if you're in a poly community.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
I'm going to play snippets from three or four or five of my favorite submissions, and I'm going to share an amazing discovery found in the collection of medieval music manuscripts at the Bodleian Library at Oxford University. Now, we've already played one of the submissions, the Feast of the Ass hymn, which we played at the top of the show, written and performed by Daniel Mertzluft.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
So other women know that if they're going to fuck these guys, despite the heads up you gave them, that they better make sure that they came first. Because if they don't come first, they're not going to come at all or come with the assist that they are owed. Look, I get it. Like, there is something, you know, a woman... can potentially have multiple orgasms, not all women can.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Women can potentially have more than one orgasm. Women's orgasms often will lead to more orgasms. A woman is still in the game sexually after her orgasm, whether it's the only one she wants to have or it's the first of the several that she wants to have and can have and has the capacity to have. Women are potentially sexually insatiable superpower.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Dude, so you have that one pathetic orgasm and you kind of crash out. Your body is flooded with... Hormones that knock your dick out, make your erection go away. Suddenly things that were really compelling like shoving your face in someone's ass and eating their hole are a little like, not too interested in that right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
But even if you lose interest in sex after having your single pathetic male orgasm, you don't lose interest in your sex partner and you don't lose interest in, I'm sorry to make it sound transactional, but your obligation to your sex partner, right?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And to rationalize it with attempting to guilt your sex partner for having heteronormative expectations about orgasms and sex meaning orgasms, yeah, all sex doesn't have to end with an orgasm. But that is the option of the person who is having sex with you. You do not get to decide for them whether an orgasm is a priority during this sexual encounter, particularly if you've just had yours.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
So there's no mystery here. There's just the devil citing scripture for his own purpose. There are just a couple of shitty straight guys who are weaponizing queer discourse as you describe it, justify the shittiest of typical, uh, shitty heterosexual guy behavior, which is sex is all about me and my dick and the sex ends when I come. And if you haven't come by then, well, that's on you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Don't fuck those guys. Sometimes you're going to fuck those guys and you're only going to find out they're those guys when you fucked them and after you fucked them and they got up and jumped in the shower. And then you just don't fuck those guys again. But don't let those guys get in your head. You did nothing wrong here. You were absolutely the wronged party.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
You should advocate for yourself in a moment like that. He starts to get out of bed. You grab him by the balls and you pull him back into bed and say, hey, I need 10 more minutes. Focus. You get yours. You're more likely to get yours if you insist on getting yours. And if he still gets out of bed then, even as you're holding on to his ball sack, Let it go. Let him go.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And I know you didn't call them men. You called them people with penises. Maybe they identify as non-binary, but you know what? I'm not going to respect their non-binary identity if they are so in the thrall of such rank, bog, stupid, straight guy bullshit as I came, it's over. Sorry, that disqualifies you from they-them courtesies, at least on my show. All right, time for listener feedback.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
First, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says Steve McLean, President Biden did not pardon anyone on death row, as you inadvertently stated at the top of the show last week, Dan. Sentences were commuted from execution to life without the possibility of parole. Your slip feeds the narrative that the right wing is out there espousing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Excellent job, Daniel. Very moving. Love the hymn. But hands down, my favorite Feast of the Ass Carol submissions were the ones that captured... The quality of those songs written for Rankin and Bass, stop-motion animated Christmas specials made during my childhood that we all imprinted on, shows like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Santa Claus is Coming to Town.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Forgive me that slip, Steve. I said pardon. I meant commutation. Thank you for the correction. Says no cute name. Avoid an attachment style talk is just one more relic of self-help therapy speak culture going mainstream. Like love languages being triggered every time one doesn't like something. Gaslighting, narcissism, love bombing, breadcrumbing, trauma, and the like.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
All legitimate things, no cute name goes on, but so overused. No one's an asshole any longer. Now they're a narcissist. A person wasn't lied to. He was gaslighted. My friend wasn't swept off her feet. She was love bombed. No one is so insecure that they sabotage every relationship they're in. They all have anxious attachment styles." Well put, no cute name. Wished I had put it that way myself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And finally, says Apple Scruff, it was kind of off-putting how gatekeepy Dan was being about how people should, shouldn't celebrate and wish other people well on the Feast of the Ass. If the day is not meant exclusively for people who eat ass, why does it matter anyway if people want to celebrate with delicious fudge tunnel cakes?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
To paraphrase Dickens, keep Feast of the Ass in your own way and let me keep it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
in mine hey now apple scruff i am doing the work here single-handedly reviving this holiday with the help of course of all the singers and songwriters who wrote those amazing beast of the ass carols look i'm just trying to get something wonderful going for people at the least wonderful time of the year the pothole between new year's and saint valentine's day i created a mascot came up with munchies i got people to make music i'm basically the creative director of photo
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Feast of the Ass. And I reserve the right, at least now while we're still getting Feast of the Ass off the ground, to be a little gatekeepy about it. Next year, you can go crazy with those Tunnel of Fudge Cakes, but this year, not allowed, at least at my Feast of the Ass celebration. All right, for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And now, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part of the show where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners get the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
And we're going to leave it there. You can record and upload questions and comments for future shows at savage.love.com. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at q.savage.love. Or you can leave us a message at 206-302-2064. Magnum subs. Our next Savage Love Live is January 23rd, noon Pacific. And we're going to have a very special guest, my husband.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Since January 23rd is our 30th anniversary. So if there's anything you've ever wanted to ask Terry, this is your chance. Tickets for the 20th anniversary Hump Film Festival on sale now. And to celebrate this milestone, 20 years of Hump, we're throwing multiple after parties in Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco produced by our partners at Flura.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Get your tickets to Hump before they sell out by going to humpfilmfest.com. Follow me on Instagram and threads and blue sky at Dan Savage. Follow Rebecca Wolf on Instagram and threads at Rebecca Wolf with three O's. And you can find her newsletter, the braid at Rebecca Wolf dot sub stack.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
The savage love cast is produced every week by Nancy Artunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth. We will all be back at you next week. Another installment of the savage love cast. Thank you for downloading. Hey, stick around. If you want to hear the winning beast of the ass Carol, which is coming right up.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Matthew loses a couple of points for getting the lore wrong. Mary wasn't heavy with child when Buddy carried her into Egypt. Jesus was an infant already born, but otherwise perfect feast to the ass carol, Matthew. Four stars. Another great example in the Rankin and Bass style. Asses are for feasting from the amazing Jack Leshner and Andy Monroe.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Oh, my God. I love the callback at the top of your number, Jack and Andy, to I'm Mr. Heatmiser from The Year Without a Santa Claus, another Rankin and Bass classic. Four stars. Love it. Next up, also in the Rankin and Bass style, Pat Pat from Al Fisher.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Love it, Al. Love it so much, four stars. Then there's this delightful Celtic-tinged, real love the ass from the amazing singer-songwriter and past Lovecast Live guest, Shirley Nome.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
All right, we're moving into an entirely different style here. I love this one. It's called No One Goes Hungry from singer-songwriter Stefan Wiener. It's in the style of a folk rock Christmas carol from one of those 1970s TV Christmas specials, maybe something John Denver might have sung with the Muppets.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Thank you, Steven or Stefan, forgive me if I'm mispronouncing your name. Amazing work, love, no one goes hungry at the fabulous Feast of the Ass. And finally, there is this amazing find. Turns out one piece of music survives from actual Feast of the Ass celebrations centuries ago.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
A madrigal that might have been played at Feast of the Ass parties after Feast of the Ass church services were over has come down to us. Oh, the Ass, or Eau Le Cool in the original French, was discovered in the archives of the Bodleian Library at Oxford University. We had it translated into English, and we may have taken some liberties with the lyrics here and there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
We had to work in Buddy and Rose and Bundt cakes. And we are so proud to bring it to you, Oh, the Ass, performed for us here by the Calipygians.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Thank you to the Calipygians for that recording of Oh, the Ass, for bringing that ancient madrigal back to life. And there are more. People wrote and submitted so many great Feast of the Ass carols. We were blown blown away by the response. I can't play them all here, but we are going to make a collection available. Our top 10 Feast of the Ass Carol submissions.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
To listen to them, to hear all of Pat Pat and asses are for feasting and love the ass and more, go to savage.love or check out the show notes for this episode where you will find the the link. And you know what? At the end of today's show, at the very end, after the outro music is over, we're going to play our favorite Feast of the Ass song, our number one in its entirety.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
To find out who hit number one on the Feast of the Ass charts, be sure to keep listening after the outro is over.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
All right, coming up today on the Lovecast, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me on the Magnum, author, podcaster, and sub-stacker Rebecca Wolf is here to talk with me about the new Nicole Kidman film Baby Girl, which is doing for light DS play what Fifty Shades of Grey did for hardcore BDSM, mainstreaming the conversation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Happy Feast of the Ass to all who celebrate. I've heard from people, I've heard from listeners who are having special Feast of the Ass parties tonight, where they will be exchanging glazed Bundt cakes, the traditional Feast of the Ass treat, and spending the day or spending the evening or the night with loved ones or sitting on the faces of loved ones.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
Wolf is on the Magnum that you can subscribe to at savage.love, but we've got tons of great stuff for you micro listeners too, and it all starts now. Now, this episode is brought to you by Blueland. Going eco has never been easier. Revolutionary refillable cleaning essentials, eliminating single use plastics. Right now, get 15% off your first order by going to blueland.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 950
This episode is brought to you by Phoria. Phoria, makers of Awaken Arousal Oil, Intimacy Melt, and Sex Oil. Get 20% off your first order by visiting PhoriaWellness.com slash Savage and using code Savage at checkout. This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
But leaving, whether we're talking about leaving a shitty spouse or a shitty country, is always easier said than done. So I think we're going to do, I know I'm going to do, what most people in shitty relationships wind up doing. Staying and fighting.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
True nutrition knows it can be incredibly difficult to find the right protein powder to match your body and fitness goals. That's why they let you create your own fully customized protein powder mix with the exact ingredients you want based on your activity, taste, diet, and goals. What's more, you can even see your nutrition facts in real time as you create your mix.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
This truly is sports nutrition, revolutionary sports nutrition designed by you for you. My husband, who as you may know, is all muscle, knows from supplements, knows from protein powders, and he loves this stuff. You can finally stop worrying if your supplements are doing more harm than good. For a limited time, our listeners get 15% off your entire order when you use the code SAVAGE.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
That's 15% off your order at truenutrition.com with promo code SAVAGE. Take the guesswork out of nutrition with True Nutrition.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
When I was coming out as gay, not the same thing as coming out as poly or coming out as non-monogamous. But when I was coming out as gay, I told my mom I was gay, but didn't tell my dad and told my mom she wasn't allowed to tell my dad. And I told one of my siblings I was gay, but told that sibling not to tell my other siblings and told some of my aunts, told them not to tell my uncles.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And eventually the stress of tracking who knew and who didn't know, uh, was so great that my mother came to me, my mother who originally didn't want me to come out to anybody at all, and told me I had to come out to everybody. I had to stop playing games. She told me, my mom was Amazingly insightful and articulate. She told me I wasn't coming out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I was yanking people into the closet with me one at a time. And that inspired me or that lit a fire under me and I came out to everyone. And I remembered that phase of my life listening to your call because you say you don't want to be deceptive or dishonest about your relationship model. And yet you don't want to be out to your parents.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
If you're looking for a little uplift, but not a distraction, Amanda Marcotte, senior political writer at Salon, past guest on the Savage Lovecast, wrote a great and surprisingly funny and moving piece for Salon this week, headlined, A Cat Lady's Survival Guide for the Second Trump Administration. Marcotte recommends divorcing your Republican husband.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
You don't want to be out to the parents of your daughter's friends. You just don't want to be out about being in an open relationship. And so if you told your kid that, Exactly what was going on. In a way, you would be yanking your kid into the closet with you and your husband. And the closet, as my mom told me at that moment when she said, you're not coming out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
You're just pulling us into the closet with you. My mom said in that moment, like, I get it now. Being closeted sucks. I don't like it. And I feel like you... may be burdening your child with keeping your secret. If you confide in your child or you come out to your child about where exactly her father is, rather than telling your child the vague little white lies that are easily told.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Daddy's away on a business trip. Daddy had to go home to help grandma with something. Daddy had to be at work super early today. There are kick the can down the road things you can say to a nine-year-old. Eventually, you will not be able to play these sorts of games with your kid. Eventually, your kid is going to figure this out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And this is a difficult place, a difficult thing to navigate for parents in open or non-monogamous relationships who are invested in in being perceived to be monogamous by friends, neighbors, other family members. You may be sexually not monogamous, even poly, but wish to be perceived as monogamous. You wish to function socially as monogamous. Socially monogamous is what you want to be.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And you reach a point where your kids are going to figure it the fuck out because kids aren't idiots and They live with you and they'll overhear things or they'll pick up on things. Usually that happens when the kid is an adolescent and that can be volatile because if the kid just gathers enough information to think dad is cheating on mom,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Then the kid faces this existential crisis where they either have to keep that secret for dad and they become complicit in what they perceive to be an adulterous affair. Or they have to go to mom and tell mom something mom might not want to know and something mom knowing could imperil dad. Their home life could blow up their parents' marriage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And so that's – it's just a really perilous time for folks in open relationships, for parents in open relationships who aren't out about being open or poly. That adolescence where – You know, you worry about your kid figuring it out or figuring out part of it and feeling terrible and conflicted. Or you tell your kid and you say you can't tell grandma.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And if you have a contentious or high conflict relationship or stage with your kid, coming out to your kid when they're 15 and telling them these are the people you can't tell, sometimes kids... can be vindictive. Sometimes kids can be shitty. Sometimes kids will weaponize a family secret to retaliate against their parents for parenting them. And so it's a difficult stage to navigate right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
You're not at 12, 13. You're not at 14, 15. You're at nine, nine year olds are fucking gullible. Nine year olds. You can tell daddy's on a work trip. Daddy had to work late. Daddy had to go to grandma's house this morning. Daddy had to be into work really early.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Again, easier said than done, although some people... are doing it. She also recommends that women never date a Trump voter. She stopped short though, of telling women as some women are doing right now in the wake of this horrifying, especially for women election.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And that's what I would do if I were you, particularly if you are not ready to come out to your parents or anybody else about being in an open relationship. Don't burden your child with keeping that secret for you. Don't make the mistake I made. Don't yank that family member into the open closet or the polycloset with you. This episode is brought to you by HIMSS.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
We still live in a sex-negative culture. Sometimes people make fun of erectile dysfunction or treat it like it isn't a problem worth taking seriously. But I take it seriously and so should you because your sex life is important. HIMS is changing men's healthcare by providing you with access to affordable sexual health treatments from the comfort of your couch.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
That's H-I-M-S dot com slash savage for your personalized ED treatment options. Let them know the Lovecast sent you hymns.com slash savage. The products mentioned are chewable compounded products which are not approved by or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if appropriate. Restrictions apply.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plan. We're going to take a quick break from your calls to speak with Jeff Gunther. You may know him as Therapy Jeff on TikTok and Instagram. He hosts the Big Dating Energy podcast and Problem Solved. His new book, Big Dating Energy, is out now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
So we had you on pretty recently to talk about your book and your back and sooner than somebody who was just on the show might be. And I'm just going to lay my cards on the table. I don't have a therapist and I feel like I need one this week. So I invited you back on the show just to con a free therapy session out of you. I hope that's okay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
It is a difficult time. I'm reeling. People out there who are trying to drink liberal tears, I want them to die of thirst. I don't want to give them anything. I'm not being sad on Instagram or Twitter or threads or blue sky. I'm going to be sad here for a second. I have cried in public. I haven't cried in public since my mother's death. This has really gutted me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
How do I get through the next four years and change, Jeff? Please give me the secret.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And my heart goes out to you, to everybody out there right now, particularly the women in my audience, Marcotte stopped short of telling women to refuse to date or fuck men at all. Because for those of us who are exclusively attracted to men, Marcotte writes, a life without sex is a punishment. And the point of this is to punish sexist men, not ourselves.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I think that's what I need though. That's why I had you on like. I needed you to give me permission to feel my feelings and not be too embarrassed about it. Because I'm shocked and gutted too. You know, I'm the main character in the universe, which is why Hillary Clinton lost in 2016. Because I thought she would win and God hates me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And so he flipped a switch and she lost at the Electoral College. And I was being so careful not to let myself think Kamala Harris was going to win. But part of the mental gymnastics of not letting myself think she would win is I was thinking she would win. And so I was... doubly gutted, because again, this is all my fault.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I not only let myself think she was going to win like secretly in my heart of hearts, I thought it might be a landslide and the Dems would take the house to now the day we're talking, it looks like they might have the trifecta, which means project 20. I'm going to make myself cry. Project 2025 is going to happen soon.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
This is going to be, you know, we're a couple of cis white men, although I'm a faggot and you are not, which I don't hold against you, which is why I'm having you back on the show because you're a really good therapist. And I needed a really good therapist today. There are ways in which our whiteness and our maleness and all that identitarian stuff is going to protect us.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
There are other people who might be more vulnerable, but it feels perilous for all of us on the left. And I don't feel safe. And if I don't feel safe, I can't imagine how, you know, trans people I know and people with immigrant family members who are not documented must feel right now. And I just, you know, I heard from a porn star today or a porn content creator as we call them now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
But refusing to date Trump voters, that's an easy one. Don't waste a single moment of your one precious life on such men. Gotta say, I agree with that. And I want to re-up some advice I gave earlier this year on the show that seems relevant now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
So we don't have to call them all stars, but a porn content creator who like read project 2025 after the election and saw that they plan to arrest porn content creators like who is just distraught. So give them hope, Jeff. Your advice is to don't feel duped by having felt hope, but also don't think about the next four and a half years or four years and some months.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Think about the next four and a half minutes. How do we get through that?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
The next choice. I was reading something today about the next choice you get to make. You have power. We feel very powerless right now. You actually do have power, including if what you need to do right now is not listen to AOC for 52 minutes or not watch Colbert or the political chat shows.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I unfollowed a couple political podcasts today because I think I need to diet, go on a little politics diet. Although I'm a politics junkie, I'm going to keep listening to a lot of them. And people should do what feels right to recharge to get in the fight. Cause there's going to be a fight.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I don't know if there's going to be pussy hats at a women's March, but there's going to be a fight and we have to recharge for it because it's going to be big. And it's not, I'm not saying this to like people weren't already in the fight. Like it feels like we fought so hard.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Consider sharing because right now, hopefully not forever, but right now, it sure seems like the supply of good and decent guys falls short of the demand for good and decent guys. There are millions of them out there, tens of millions of good and decent guys out there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Yeah, I thought it would be a landslide too. And this time, you know, in 2016, one of the comforts was, well, he lost the popular vote by 3.5 million to Hillary. And if we didn't have an electoral college, he wouldn't be president. this remnant of appeasing slave owners in the South from the 18th century, he wouldn't have won in 2016.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And if that didn't happen in 2016, this wouldn't be happening in 2024. But this time we don't have that security blanket or that comfort, that binky, because it looks like he did win the popular vote and the electoral college election. And there was a landslide in this election, but it wasn't Harris's.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
No. I mean, I was listening to the Ezra Klein show today, and he's a genius, and so I'm always believing whatever Ezra tells me after I listen to the Ezra Klein show. Yes, you should.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
The trap for Kamala was she couldn't run as the incumbent because she wasn't, but she couldn't run as the change candidate because she was of the administration that was in office, again, during the fallout from COVID, which is one of the things that drive me crazy about the discourse. Yeah.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
When you talk to Trumpers, right wingers, everything that happened during COVID under Trump's watch was not his fault. It was a meteor strike. But everything that happened at the beginning of the Biden administration that was the fallout from COVID, well, that's Biden's fault. Trump gets this pass for the meteor strike of COVID that Biden doesn't get and Harris didn't get. And here we are.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And we should just cope, right? There's nothing wrong with coping or checking out or checking in.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Suck a million dicks. binge a million shows. Exactly. But the takeaway from this conversation is Jeff Gunther endorses sucking a million dicks if that's what you need to do to get through the next four years.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
But right now, there are more liberal and progressive straight women than there are liberal and progressive non-sexist men to go around. And the polling data tells us that straight women who are liberal and progressive do not want to date Trumpers.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Jeff Gunther, LPC Therapy Jeff on TikTok and Instagram. He hosts the Big Dating Energy podcast and Problem Solved. His new book, Big Dating Energy, out now. Jeff, thank you so much for coming back on the show. And I will send you my address so you can bill me for this appearance and this session. That sounds good. Yeah. All right. Thanks for having me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
That was just a little taste of my conversation with Therapy Jeff. He continued to psychoanalyze me and then took a couple of sex questions with me. That's on the Magnum version of the show, which you can subscribe to or send as a gift at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Well, fuck. I'm going to open this week's Savage Lovecast, if it's okay with everybody, by reading the opening of this week's Savage Love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Which had me thinking this morning that maybe the work I've been doing and others have been doing for the last couple of decades to familiarize people with open relationships and polyamory, to normalize open relationships and polyamorous relationships,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Maybe we were, without even realizing it, kind of preparing women and good and decent men for this political and sexual moment we find ourselves in. Leaving aside right now the political fight that's ahead of us focusing on the personal struggles many of us are going to face, particularly straight women.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I was crying all week after listening to your call because I was just so bored. I felt so violated by how bored I was by this question. I'm not saying that to shame you. I'm just joking. Kind of. Look, I think it's obvious what your friend is doing here, what's going on here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
You got married, you got a dog, you have a husband, you have a busy young adult life, and you don't have as much time for your friend as you did 20 years ago when you guys were sophomores in high school and juniors in high school. And that's not anything you've done wrong. That's just...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Adult life and what your friend is doing by having all these fucking meltdowns is trying to control you, demand your attention, demand that you dance attendance on her precious feelings and keep you on the back foot at all times and keep you apologizing to her and having to make it up to her. And it's a kind of.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I don't want to say negative attention-seeking behavior, but it's exhausting what your friend is doing. It was exhausting to listen to you recount what your friend is doing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And so rather than have a conversation about this film festival and the link that you failed to open, that terrible, terrible crime, I think you say to your friend, maybe in a letter, if she's just going to burst out crying every time you get on the fucking phone, you identify... every single time that you can recall in the last year or two, this happening and ask her what this is about.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Cause it's not about the film festival. It's about something else. And maybe your friend will have the ability to admit what's going on or getting that letter from you will help her see what's going on, which is just, she wants more time and attention and consideration from you. then you're able to give her at this moment in your lives for understandable reasons.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Also, if you're really concerned about her, if you have mutual friends, you might want to reach out to a couple of them and see if she's pulling this same shit with them. Is she lonely? Is she sad? Nobody, I pull a film festival together. Nobody does that on their own. Your friend must have a social network. She must have other people in her life. Is she pulling this shit on them or is it just you?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Straight women who don't want to settle for men who would vote to strip them of their rights, their bodily autonomy, or repost videos of incels chanting, your body, my choice. Maybe those women, maybe you, instead of punishing yourself by going without sex, might prefer to set up house together with other women, Golden Girls style. And...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And then have that conversation. Refuse to get dragged into a conversation about your failure to click the link to find out the film festival was not just this one weekend, but this pattern of behavior and what it means and what she actually wants and what she's actually trying to accomplish with these meltdowns and these tantrums.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And if it's not going to get her anywhere, if, because you have a husband and a dog and a busy young adult life, you can't give her any more attention than you're able to give her. you might have to, if not break up with your friend or end this friendship, you might have to just get her to reset her expectations by having boundaries and enforcing them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And one of those boundaries can be, oh, you're turning on the waterworks, you're crying, we're going to get off the phone now and you're going to give me a buzz when you're feeling better. Time for some listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Says the funny Dom, a past Lovecast guest, regarding the call from a new dominant looking for humiliating tasks for a long-distance sub. Dan said a book featuring rules, tasks, protocols for doms and subs... doesn't exist. Good news. It does. The funny Dom's guide to kink volume two features a whole chapter of 50 rules and protocols to try in your DS dynamic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
My bad, funny Dom, sir, and feel free to assign me a task to make it up to you. Former Catholic kid here. So have a thing even still for penance says Catherine regarding the call from the woman with the sub cat that suddenly wanted to be roughed up. There are lots of cats that like to be drummed on and petted roughly and There's even a whole subreddit for them, rcatbongos. It's not sexual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Says Polly about the same call, my cat did the same thing where suddenly she wanted really vigorous back scratches and would yowl and bite and get mad if we stopped scratching. Turns out she had fleas. No wonder she was all itchy and pissed off. Medicine cleared it up and she was back to her normal self in no time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Finally, says ByDanFan, one concern suggests itself regarding the 24-hour boob jobs through saline infusions. Using saline infusions to stretch the breasts, you will stretch the skin and that could lead to sagging or stretch marks once the breasts return to their usual size. Scrotums, last time we talked about saline infusions to blow something up, it was ball sacks.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Scrotums, ByDanFan points out, are wrinkly anyway, which makes those saline infusions less potentially problematic. down the road. Perhaps the caller's baby girl could invest in a breastplate like some drag queens wear if she wants to rock a buxom look now and again. Thanks by Dan Fan, and you are right. Those breastplates as seen on Drag Race are amazing and very realistic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And while not cheap, they're cheaper than seeing a cosmetic surgeon for a saline infusion. And even better, you get to use them more than once. All right, for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at savage.love. And now, everyone's favorite part of the show, mine included, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Sharing a good and decent man who loves and respects women and whose vote reflects his love and respect for women. And passing that boy around like a bong. Guys, I'm not saying all men are bad. Indeed, I am proposing a fix here to a supply and demand problem that showers rewards on the good guys.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
we're gonna leave it there we've got three ways for you to get us your questions are actually nancy can we stop the outro music for just a second here because there's one last thing i wanted to get off my chest before we wrap up this week's show this show of all shows and that's we're not going anywhere
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
We're staying, we're fighting, and we here at the Lovecast, we will be back at you next week with another installment.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
We will be here for the good and decent straights and the good and decent gays and lesbians and enbies and dykes and faggots and the good and decent trans men and women out there and the good and decent non-binary folks and other gender refuseniks and the sex workers and the monogamous and monogamish and poly and tolly and ace and allo.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
We will be here for anyone and everyone who believes in choice and bodily autonomy and freedom and self-determination and the pursuit of happiness, whatever that looks like for each of us as an individual. And for everyone who believes that our politics should look more like our kinks, safe, sane, and consensual. All right, Nancy, crank that outro music back.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
As Marcotte writes in her piece, men who regard women as equals and act accordingly in ways big and small, from respecting a woman's right to keep her last name to respecting her opinions to picking up after themselves, will clean up on the dating market because of it. Look, I know from personal experience that polyamory is a lot of work, a lot of effort, but you know what?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
There are three ways for you to get us your questions or comments for future shows. You can record and upload your question directly onto our website at savage.love.com. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love.com. Or you can call our landline like it's 1999 and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
This is the final weekend of Hump 2024. We're closing with a screening in Philadelphia, one night only, November 16th. Get tickets to the show in Philly or get streaming passes to stream Hump at Home at HumpFilmFest.com. And everything you need to know about being one of the stars of Hump 2025. Yes, we do have something we can actually look forward to in 2025. All that info is at HumpFilmFest.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow Jeff Gunther on Instagram and TikTok at Therapy Jeff. His podcasts, Big Dating Energy and Problem Solved can be found wherever you get your podcasts. And his latest book, Big Dating Energy is out now. And hey, holidays are coming. Jeff's book makes a great gift.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian. The Savage Lovecast would not exist if it were not for Nancy Hartunian. Nancy, thank you for your love. Thank you for your support. And me and Nancy, the tech savvy at-risk youth, we will all be back at you next week with an installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you. Good job, man.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Reading a sex advice column at a time like this to say nothing of writing a sex advice column at a time like this might seem a little pointless, but I've lived long enough to know that seemingly pointless distractions, small comforts, even guilty pleasures, have the power to sustain us in bad times.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
So is monogamy, especially serial monogamy. And choosing monogamy? In our current political and sexual economy, in the dating market where, again, the demand for good and decent guys, at least now, seems to outstrip the supply of good and decent guys, that's going to require just as much or more effort than passing around that boy like a bong will.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
But whatever you decide to do, and not everyone is going to want to go the golden girl's route or be a houseboy, whatever you decide to do, whatever else you decide to do to get through the next four years as we stay and fight, Let's not give the assholes what they want right now or ever. Don't give them liberal tears. They live for liberal tears. They love to drink liberal tears.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Don't give them the satisfaction. Let's not go to pieces online where they can see it and enjoy it and share it and repost it. Let's go to pieces. If and when we need to go to pieces, and I needed to go to pieces this week, and I certainly did, let's do it offline. with the people we love and trust, our logical families. But in public, online, especially, let's be stoic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Let's hang tough as we fight the fight. And let the Trumpers, who live for liberal tears, let those motherfuckers die of thirst. All right? Coming up on today's show, tons of listener queue, lots of host A. And our guest this week, I tricked Jeff Gunther, better known as Therapy Jeff, into coming back on the show to promote his new book, which he was just on the show to promote a few months ago.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Why is Jeff back so soon? Well, you can find out listening to today's show. There's a little bit of Jeff on the micro and all of Jeff on the Magnum Savage Lovecast that you can subscribe to at savage.love. All right, let's get to that first call. This episode is brought to you by True Nutrition, protein powders and supplements to match your fitness goals.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Get 15% off your order at truenutrition.com with the promo code SAVAGE. This episode is sponsored by HIMS. Affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at HIMS.com slash SAVAGE. This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Dipsy. Dipsy is an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Get an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Taking a moment to read or write a sex advice column or listen to or make music or watch or make porn doesn't mean you're complacent, doesn't mean you're complicit. Because those little things, the little joys, the small pleasures, even especially the guilty ones, they have the power to keep us sane, to keep us connected, and keep us going.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Every three-way becomes a two-way at some point during the three-way. Nobody should have a threesome with anybody, with a partner and a very special guest star, or with two randos or two fuck buddies if you can't handle... That moment in the three-way when the two people who aren't you suddenly start vibing or connecting or catch a groove and you're sort of on the outside.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
That's a moment in a three-way when you hang back and stroke your dick and enjoy the live porn performance happening in front of you. Also, when you're having a three-way at those moments when it's not about you, you can't advocate for yourself in a moment like that. They were fucking. They were vibing. He was pounding away at the other bottom with the caged cock.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
You could have if this was going to be a problem for you or you could have just to keep stirring the pot and – playing, and yes, anding, you could have stuck your ass in the air next to the other bottom's ass and just said two little words. My turn. And the top, who you vibed with for 10 months, you fucked around with for 10 months, obviously is into you, obviously enjoys fucking you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Wouldn't have fucked you once a week for 10 months if he didn't like fucking you too. And you just needed to tap in. And I think we have a three-way. Everybody should have this conversation with like, when it becomes a two-way for a second, we're all going to be good with that. If somebody needs to take a break... we can all take a break together.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And if anybody at a certain moment wants to tap in, please, please, everybody should be empowered to, to tap in and say, Hey, I need a little attention to pay to me, my turn. And I think you'll feel better about hooking up with this top again. If you can just have a moment to process with him, like where this went wrong for you and that you had some hurt feelings and,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And you needed to advocate for yourself in the moment. And you probably, your feelings wouldn't have been as hurt as they are if you had, but you didn't. And so if this ever happens again, you have a three-way again, you want to make sure that he knows that if you're out of the action for too long, he needs to pull you in, or you're going to tap in at some point.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And to everyone who wrote in or called this week to talk about sex, literally going, leaving the country. You know, if somebody had told me 20 years ago, hell, if somebody had told me 10 years ago that a reality show host slash serial sexual predator with a golden toilet would one day appoint a majority of the justices on the Supreme Court, I might have immigrated then.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And then you want to be brought back in to what's happening. But if you have this kind of enormous, I don't want to say you're having a meltdown. You have these hurt feelings because the predictable thing that happens often at three ways, which is a two-way breaks out in front of a third person, happened. Maybe three ways aren't for you. I will say, though, like I want to apportion blame here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Two thirds of it is theirs. They failed you. When you left the room, that was a sign for them to take a break and walk out to the room that you were in and take your phone out of your hand and one of them to start sucking your dick and the other to sit on your face. They needed to pull you back in. That was a sign that like you were way outside of it and it was on them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
at that moment to pull you in, but it was on you before that moment, before you felt so outside the action or irrelevant or inadequate, It was on you to say, hey, I'm still here. I want to tap back in. Here's my ass. Can we take turns? Fuck me. And you could have said that. And then if you'd said my turn and the top was like, yeah, no, I'm busy. Okay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Then you have every right to feel as hurt and upset as you do. But do you really think this top is still into you? Still wants to fuck you? Would have reacted that way in that moment had you tried to tap in? I don't. I think they would have pulled you back in had you advocated for yourself before you left the room. So that's where you failed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
They failed by not following you out of that room once you left that room. One more thing that could have been going on here and it may have been an error on the tops part or the bottoms part. You said, you know, it began with you trying to fuck the bottom and you couldn't get hard. And they may have thought that you were feeling a little self-conscious about not being able to get hard.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And one piece of advice you give people when somebody's having a hard time getting hard is to take the focus off their dick or them. And they may have felt in the moment that shifting the focus away from you
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
was to ease your self-consciousness, to prevent you from feeling inadequate because everybody was still having fun whether you could get hard or not and they were still making out with you a little bit. And so it could have been an error on their part where they thought they were being sensitive to your feelings of inadequacy about not getting hard when you wanted to get hard.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And in the end, it just made you feel more inadequate because eventually you were so far outside the action that you felt excluded. Have a combo with that top. The next time he comes over to fuck you, if you could just put this all on the table, I'm sure the top would say exactly if he's a good, has any emotional intelligence at all, is worthy of your ass ever again.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
He'll say the things that you need to hear from him so that you'll feel good fucking him again. And once these things are said out loud, you'll want to fuck him again. You'll want him back in your ass where this all started. Support for today's episode comes from True Nutrition. Many health supplements contain fillers. Some contain harmful chemicals.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
That's why I'm excited to talk about True Nutrition, a company founded on relentlessly sourcing the highest quality ingredients. Third party tests those ingredients and then first party test them on site to further ensure purity. This means what's in the package is exactly what it says on the package.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Unlike most supplement brands that focus on marketing a product that's manufactured elsewhere, True Nutrition manufactures its own products and marketing takes a backseat. True Nutrition was formed to provide protein powders and supplements with absolutely no fillers, no additives, no gluten. and most importantly, no BS.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Maybe she'd feel differently about that. And it would tag for you some of the bases of that feeling of... intimacy of pressing a significant GI portal of yours into a significant GI portal of hers. So that's what I would suggest, but you know, I'm a demented fag pervert. Of course, that's what I would suggest. You two together have to figure out what works for you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And you may wind up having to pay a significant price of admission here. People don't get everything that they want in a sexual relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
If you love or require anal and you're in love with someone who just can't or won't do anal, well, then you face a moment where you have to say, particularly if it's a sexually exclusive relationship, you're making a monogamous commitment, I want to be with you more than I want to fuck a butt or have my butt fucked. And so you choose this person over this act.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
What I'm having a hard time with the way you set this up, the question of the way you frame kissing and how important it is to you again, is that it is the beginning of all sex for you. That's not just giving up an act and leaning into the other 10, 20 acts that you two enjoy together. That's giving up something crucial, something
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
foundational, something you really, really fucking need the key for your engine. And that's harder. That's maybe a price for admission. In some cases that would be too steep to pay, but if you're together, you've already paid that price of admission. Unless your girlfriend is allowing you to kiss her while she wretches struggles to get the fuck away from you, which I hope you're not doing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
So yeah, heater ass. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep. You know your mattress isn't just for having sex, you perverts. You do need to get a good night's sleep on that thing too, if for no other reason than to recharge your batteries for having more great sex on that thing. So I recommend the best mattress for both.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
The mattresses we have at our place where a lot of both happens, Helix Sleep. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection. That's ours. That's the mattress we have. The newly released Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even mattresses made just for kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
By blood and marriage, I had 13 uncles, all of them in Chicago, and I did not know where they were at all times. None of my uncles were gay, but glory holes in video booths were popular with closet cases because you could tell yourself you were just there to watch the porn.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix Sleep Quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes. And then your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge. But you will get, with your mattress, a 100-night sleep trial.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
You can try out your new mattress, see how your body adjusts, and if you decide it's not the best fit, you are welcome to return it for a full refund. Helix offers models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side, like me, or models with more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Plus, enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. Helix mattresses all come with a 10 or 15 year warranty depending on the model. Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage with Helix. Better sleep starts now. We're going to take a quick break from your calls to speak with Dr. Barack.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
What can I say about Dr. Barack? He used to be a simple country doctor and frequent and reluctant guest on the Savage Lovecast, a simple country doctor and a professor of medicine at the University of Washington. But after the election of Donald Trump in 2016, Dr. Barack was radicalized. He jumped into political activism.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Now he sends out spreadsheets to friends recommending candidates that they can donate to to help stop the spread of fascism in this country. Dr. Barack, welcome back to the show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
I am woefully behind on my political giving this season. I gave to the top, gave money to Kamala and Tim, but I don't want to waste money on no hope Dem candidates running against high profile Republicans in blood red districts. Dems set hundreds of millions of dollars on fire, wasted money on those kinds of candidates in 2020 and 2022. I have a thousand dollars to give away today, Barack.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
I want to give it to 10 candidates who can make a difference. Walk me through how I can do that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And I didn't know if any of my uncles, a mix of old hippies and cops, were closet cases, and I did not want to find out in a video booth at the back of the dirty bookstore on Halstead. This little trip down memory lane brings us, surprisingly, to the GOP nominee for governor in North Carolina.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And stop giving money to somebody running against Marjorie Taylor Greene in a district where she's going to win by 60 points. That's right. That's setting money on fire. People did that. They threw money away on the person running against Mitch McConnell in Kentucky. Hundreds of millions of dollars. Person running against Lindsey Graham in whatever shithole state he comes from.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Hundreds of millions of dollars. We're not going to make that mistake today. We're going to give it to Dems nobody has heard of in races where they have a shot.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
I have opened swingleft.org. I'm looking at their list of the 10 races that they're raising money for right now. Dems who have a shot at winning. Amish Shah running in Arizona for a house seat. Rudy Salas, California. George Whitesides, California. Derek Tran, California. Tony Vargas, Nebraska. Laura Gillen, New York. Mondaire Jones, New York. John Mannion, New York.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay, so I'm clicking on donate a thousand. I thought I was going to donate 100 bucks at a time to 10 different candidates. This is going to take a long time. But I'm going to do this the easy way.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay, I am... Telling them not now for a couple other things. Thank you for your contribution. Would you like to share contact information? Yeah, please don't share my contact information. It is a little confusing, so let me walk people through that quickly.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Go to swingleft.org, click on Our Strategy, click on Win Back the House of Representatives, click on Donate to Win, and then select your donation amount. We've received your one-time contribution. Yay, I made my contribution to these 10 Democrats running all over the country, hopefully to take the House back. Taking the House back is really important.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
The Assembly, a news site that covers power and place in North Carolina, came out with a big story last week about North Carolina Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson and
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
All right, Dr. Barak, I thought this was going to take a long time and we would have to go through these races one at a time and I'd have to open everybody's website and put my credit card in and make $100 donation. So we have some extra time here. Can I ask you a sex question?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay, tell me one more thing about politics and then you have to answer a sex question. Nobody gets off this show without answering a sex question.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay, Dr. Barak, I will give $100 to One Pennsylvania if you answer a sex question with me now. If you refuse, I'm not going to make that donation, and my $100 may be the critical $100 that swings Pennsylvania for Kamala Harris. Dr. Barak, what is your answer?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
An anti-gay, anti-choice, anti-porn, pro-gun, pro-Trump Republican who, not despite, but because of his long history of making anti-gay, anti-choice, anti-Semitic, and pro-sexual assault, pro-gun, pro-Trump statements, secured the GOP nomination for governor in that important swing state. I want to give you just a little taste of the kind of orator Mark Robinson is.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay, we're not going to play it. It's a call that came up a couple of weeks ago. I'm just going to summarize it. A woman called in because she has a friend who's an adult baby diaper lover and he wants to have a smaller penis. There are some people out there, some men who are trying to shrink their penises with smaller and smaller cock cages.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And to shrink his penis, to make it the small penis of his dreams, he was injecting meth into his erectile tissue, into his penis. Dr. Barack... What do you think? Injecting meth into your penis to shrink it, is that a good idea or a bad idea?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
I can see Dr. Barak right now. You guys can't. Dr. Barak still somehow sitting at his desk in front of his microphone is curled up into the fetal position. Dr. Barak, is there a doctor recommended dick shrinking treatment option? What would one out of one professors of medicine on the Savage Lovecast with me right now recommend?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Good advice. I have been giving similar advice for years, but apparently even listeners to my show won't take that advice. And they're trying to make their dicks bigger, make their dicks smaller, some of them. Listen to Dr. Barack, professor of medicine at the University of Washington, simple country doctor radicalized by the election of Donald Trump. And don't inject meth into your dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
But do go to swingleft.org and scroll down to their list of House races to help swing the House and Senate races. Before I let you go, Dr. Brock, you've been coming on the show for years and it doesn't seem to give you a lot of joy or pleasure. You always seem like hell. You're in hell when you're on the show having to answer these questions. Why do you keep coming back?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay. I just want people to know you're not doing this under duress. We're not holding your family hostage. You're here of your own free will, even though you're dying every time you're out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Thank you for coming back on the show. I really appreciate it. And now I'm off to One Pennsylvania, onepa.org, to make that donation I promised you I would make.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Picture this. You're in the heat of the moment. The attraction is there. The chemistry is crazy. You are feeling amazing. And then all of a sudden, it hits you. An intrusive thought so disturbing, embarrassing, or disgusting that it doesn't just kill the mood, it shakes you to your core.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
It might be taboo or aggressive, and you know it's the complete opposite of what you actually want and who you actually are. So you start to worry, why did I think that? What does this mean about me? And worst of all, this isn't a one-time thing. These types of intrusive thoughts keep coming back, popping up when you least want them to, and they don't seem to go away.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
So here's a clip of pro-life, pro-forced birth Mark Robinson giving a speech in a church in North Carolina. It's hard to listen to. He's hard to listen to. But they're always telling us we need to listen to people who support Trump and understand where they're coming from. So let's listen.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Your distress snowballs until it feels out of control, but telling anyone about these thoughts seems too mortifying. Here's the thing about disturbing, taboo thoughts. They're more common than you think. In fact, almost everyone has them. But for people with obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD, they tend to feel sticky and cause a lot of anxiety.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And if this doesn't sound like OCD to you, that's because it's misunderstood. OCD isn't what most people think. OCD latches onto unwanted thoughts and can make you feel like a monster, even though that isn't true. But that's what makes it so debilitating. The thoughts can feel so real that seeking help can seem like a huge risk.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And since so few people understand what OCD is really like, it can feel like you have nowhere to turn. If you relate to this, no CD wants you to know you're not alone. They created NoCD to help anyone struggling with OCD and taboo or disturbing intrusive thoughts to get the treatment and support they need. NoCD provides virtual therapy with licensed therapists who specialize in OCD.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
They're trained in Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy, or ERP, the gold standard treatment for OCD, and they understand intrusive thoughts, even the ones that feel too shameful to share. NoCD also accepts many major insurance plans and offers always-on support between sessions. To learn more about therapy with NoCD, go to NoCD.com and schedule a free 15-minute call with their team.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
That's NoCD.com to learn more and to book a free 15-minute call.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Part of me wants to wish a gay kid on this woman. But no part of me would ever want to wish a mom like that on a gay kid. Gay kids, lesbian kids, bi kids, trans kids deserve better. That said... You did a good thing. You did a great thing. You did an amazing thing. And you're not giving yourself enough credit here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
When you blew up at your friend about the shitty things she was saying about the school, about the public school where you're sending your daughter and the shitty things she was saying about queer people and the shitty things she said to her daughter about being a queer person or being a lesbian.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
She texted you later and tried to walk it back and apologized and wanted to make sure that you two were still good. And you read that as disingenuous and you dismiss that. her sending you that text is just her trying to cover her ass. I heard that as you, by confronting her, by not letting it slide, you created in her some cognitive dissonance.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
She realizes, even if it was a disingenuous text, she realizes on some level that the good person that she wants to be or wants to be perceived as being is in conflict with the shitty, homophobic, lesbophobic, ranting anti-vax lunatic that she was with you in that moment. So you can work with that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
If her kid is going to be gay when her kid grows up, there are a lot of people out there who have wonderful, loving, supportive parents who are there for them and their same sex partners who were not there for them. in the same way when they were 12 or 15 or 18.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Parents do when they're faced with having a gay kid reach this fork in the road where they have to choose their bigotry or choose their kid. Used to be, you could pretty reliably predict that most parents would choose their bigotry or their faith tradition or whatever the fuck over their kid. That's why there were a lot of
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Gay and lesbian adults running around 40 years ago who were estranged from their families of origin. These days, more and more, increasingly now, it is the exception to meet a gay person who's estranged like that from their family of origin because their parents chose their bigotry and their homophobia or their transphobia or their whatever phobia over their own kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And this is the process, what you've just laid out in your call, the process by which the parent who isn't supportive out of the gate gets there. They encounter pushback. They encounter, they say shitty homophobic things to someone they think is just going to stand there and nod and say, yeah, yeah. Shitty homophobic things back to them. Who's like the fuck? No, don't say that. That's shitty.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
That's awful. That's potentially harmful to your kid for you to say that LGBT kids are much greater risk of suicide. LGBT kids with unsupportive parents. who are bullied at home for being queer are at much, much greater risk of a suicide attempt. Surely your friend doesn't want that for her kid. You need to settle in here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Whether to salvage the relationship with this woman because you valued it once upon a time and maybe you'll get back to the kind of relationship you used to have with her. Maybe she'll come to her fucking senses. Or so that you can continue to be a presence in the life of this queer child whose parents are failing her at this moment.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
My first boyfriend had been out and gay for a lot longer than I had. He'd been out and gay in Chicago for 10 years. I'd been out and gay in Chicago when I met him for about 10 weeks. And he thought it was his solemn responsibility as the older, wiser gay man in our relationship to teach me how to be a gay man. I thought making out with him in gay bars and
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Again, he's in a church saying some people, wicked people, need killing. He cites Nazis as an historic example of wicked people who needed killing, which I guess is a bold stance for a GOP candidate, considering the way Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump are always pailing around with Nazis and white supremacists. He doesn't name the wicked people who need killing now, but...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
If this child is queer, you know, sometimes kids think they're queer when they're 11 and then they're not so much a few years later. That happened in my family. But you want to be there. You want to be part of her life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
So I think you should take your friend's apology, the text at face value and continue to see her, hang out with her, get your kids together for play dates, which you're still doing at 11. You won't be doing so much when they're 13 or 14. Your kids will be directing their own social lives hopefully at that point.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And if she's awful two, three years from now, and you don't want to have to hang out with her, but your daughter still wants to hang out with her daughter, they can make that happen. And if you want to, at some point you can say to that kid, look, you can be whoever you want to in my house, like right on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And you could come out as bi to that kid if you want to and be that safe place that some queer kids need. They need that trusted adult, right? that they can trust. Maybe their parents can't trust so much, but they can trust.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
But you can't be that adult for this kid if you nuke your relationship with her mom and your kid and you are exiled from their lives in the same way that public school was exiled from their lives. So if you want to be there for this kid, you're going to have to get along to go along or go along to get along.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
I never remember which way that's supposed to come and order the go where they got in that expression, that idiom. You're going to want to have some sort of detente relationship with your old friend. If you want to be in this, in her kid's life, in case her kid might need you, do your old friend the favor of of accepting at face value that she was sincere in these text messages to you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And to give yourself the credit, perhaps, of having created the kind of cognitive dissonance in the homophobic parent of a queer kid that ultimately, usually, typically, when it resolves, resolves in the kid's favor and the letting go of the homophobia. You're a peer to this woman. You came out to her spine, ripped into her. Thank God. I'm so glad you did the right thing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
The text messages you got afterwards, kind of a win. Take the win.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Of course you're going to be excited about the sexual adventure you're about to have with your husband when a third is coming over. Of course that, objectively, there's more to get excited about there than having sex with your husband again, who you still love and want to be with. But...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Sex in the context of a multi-decade, long-term, committed, romantic, and still sexual relationship is different than sex with somebody new. It doesn't get the cortisone and the adrenaline pumping in quite the same way. It is great in other ways. There's intimacy, there's familiarity, there's comfort, there's this deep understanding of your erotic imaginations and inner lives.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And there is something about, you know, sex with somebody you've been with for decades and decades and decades that is, it confirms what you mean to each other. You're not exploring what you might mean to each other. There's nothing risky about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
I think we all know who he means, who churchy Republicans think of when you talk about wicked people today. The gays, the abortionists, and public school teachers who Robinson has condemned. And I'm quoting here from his speech to the North Carolina Republican State Party Convention. He condemned public school teachers for feeding your children a steady diet of communism and pornography.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And so, yeah, like you guys just need to both accept, like when there's a third present, like that's exciting in a way that you two can't be exciting for each other anymore. There's a lot of other things that you two can be for each other after 30 years that some rando you found on Grindr who's on his way over can't be for you, for either of you. And it's just different.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And what's great about what you're doing is you have your husband and he has you and you're having this kind of excitement too. with and for each other. This is happening for the both of you, not despite your marriage, not despite your relationship, but because of your marriage because of your relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
So this excitement, although there's like this outside force acting on your relationship and your sexual connection, that's creating this kind of excitement, it is a part of your sexual connection and your relationship. And you should, Look at it that way.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Not, oh, it's a terrible sign that we're excited about this three-way in a way we're just not excited about the kind of routine, regular, sometimes maintenance sex we have with each other. And that's a bad sign. And we should be as excited to have sex with each other now as we were the night we met when we were still strangers to each other for the most part. I'm sorry.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
There's no getting back to that with somebody you've been with for 25 years, with somebody whose farts you could identify in a room with 100 people farting in it. There's just no way to get back there alone together. But you guys have managed to get back there alone together with a third to experience this kind of excitement about your shared sex life. That's awesome. That's a superpower.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
That's a win. That is a win, take the win. And if you're gonna feel sad about anything, I mean, feel your feelings, you can help but feel your feelings. You can recall to each other how exciting sex was when you first met. And what it was like those first times that you fucked, I don't know how you and your husband met. Did you meet wholesome introduced by friends at a dinner party?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Did you meet in a sex club? Did you meet through Grindr? Like 30 years ago, probably not Grindr. How did you meet? You can talk about that and like feel nostalgia. You can also allow yourself to feel loss because the excitement that you got from each other, that doesn't come back, but you always have to balance that kind of acknowledgement of what
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
was present in your relationship when it was new and isn't anymore with a thumb on the scale where you're looking at and valuing everything you are to each other now that you couldn't be to each other then and the ways in which your relationship has deepened so that when you think about that loss, you're also thinking about what you've gained.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And what you've gained recently is this kind of excitement that you thought, people together 30 years don't have this kind of excitement in their life unless they're fucking somebody else together. You have this kind of excitement.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
back and you're doing that for each other you are exciting each other in a way that you used to when it was just the two of you and now you excite each other in this way by dragging some strange dick home and that's awesome All right, time for listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Lots of people jumped into the comments to talk about the East Coast academic who felt bad about how he fetishized his cowboys when he could fetishize something completely unproblematic instead like skinheads. Anyway, says Chris T., the guy with the cowboy fetish has nothing to be ashamed of because black and brown cowboys exist. Cattle rustling used to be considered lowly field work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
The term cowboy once was a derogatory term because 50 to 60% of cowboys were Latino and black. The only thing racist about cowboys is how Hollywood whitewashed and excluded people of color from portrayals of them. There are books out there and photo journals dedicated to black cowboys that could make this man feel a little less guilty about his preference.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Robinson hates porn. He backs Project 2025, which calls for outlawing porn and throwing adult content creators into prison. Anyway, back to the story in the assembly. Turns out Mark Robinson frequented porn shops in North Carolina, like frequently frequented, like five nights a week frequency.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Says John H., also about the cowboy thing, There were, of course, genocidal cowboys, but jobs like banker, landlord, senator, or president should be way higher up on the worried-about-contextual-racism scale. That's a good point, John, but you know, I've never met a person with a president fetish, but I will bear that in mind if I ever get a call from one.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Finally, he says, ooh, shiny88, Dan, I always feel so validated when you talk about kinks emerging in early childhood. I literally remember tying up and making little cages for my Barbies. And I didn't understand why I was embarrassed about it and would try to hide that from my parents. Fast forward 30 years and dot, dot, dot. Well, I'm sure you can guess what turns me on. All right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
For more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at Savage.Love, where I usually respond to listener and reader comments at length. But for the rest of the summer, we're having a little experiment where I post a letter that's too long for the column and let my superstar commenters at Savage.Love weigh in and give advice. Struggle session goes up every Thursday at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
We're not putting it behind a paywall for now while we conduct this little experiment. Watch for a new one. This Thursday, jump in, give some advice. And now everyone's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
According to Lewis Money, who managed the porn shops that Robinson frequented and others, clients and staffers, Mark Robinson spent a lot of money renting porn and watching porn in video booths at the back of these dirty bookstores.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three great ways for you to get us your juicy questions or insightful comments from future shows. You can record a question right now at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Or you can call our landline like it's 1978 and leave us a message at 206-302-2064. Hump 2024 Part 2 is now on tour across the United States, Canada, and Europe. This weekend, Hump is in Portland, Chicago, New York City, New Orleans, Denver, Bellingham, Long Beach, Bend, Oregon, Ann Arbor, and Columbus, Ohio. Don't miss this amazing brand new lineup of 25 great new Hump films.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Get your tickets now at HumpFilmFest.com. And while you're there, be sure to click on Submit to find out how you can get your dirty little masterpiece into Hump 2025. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at blue sky at Dan Savage. Follow Jill Filippovich on Instagram and threads at Jill Filippovich.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
That's J I L L F I L I P O V I C. Subscribe to her sub stack at jill.substack.com. And for all things, Jill, check out her website, jillfilippovich.com. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth. We will all be back at you next week. Another installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for telling me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
At a time when Robinson and his wife were in such dire financial straits, they declared bankruptcy three times and bounced checks for $3,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies. I read the story. It's long. It's amazing. There's a link in the show notes if you would like to read it too. And I followed the reaction to it on political sites and podcasts.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And I was surprised that no one asked the obvious follow-up question or made the obvious follow-up statement of fact. Here's Tim Miller, host of the Bulwark podcast, talking about Robinson. with former GOP Congressman Adam Kinzinger, who you may have seen at the Democratic National Convention, where he gave a speech endorsing Kamala Harris.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Here they are talking on last Friday's Bulwark podcast about this story.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
How could Tim, a gay man, fail to ask the obvious follow-up question here or make the obvious statement of fact? I texted Tim and said, girl, how did you miss the glory hole piece of this? He responded, this is more your area of expertise than mine, both generationally and subject matter.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay, Tim, let this old faggot me explain how video booths in the backs of dirty bookstores, most of which are gone now, gay men of Tim's generation probably have never been in one. Let me explain how it works for you and explain it for everyone else who missed the real story here. Which isn't that Mark Robinson, heterosexual man, likes porn.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
It's that Mark Robinson, heterosexual man, was sitting in a room where men go to suck dicks five nights a week for years. If you go into one of those booths, there are going to be holes in the walls and dicks are going to come through those holes and the dicks are a feature, not a bug. I'm sorry.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Having gay sex with him in his gay apartment later that same night made me gay enough for all practical purposes. But he thought he needed to teach me how the bathhouses worked and the cruising spots worked, the bushes in Lincoln Park, and especially how the dirty bookstore on Halstead with the video booths at the back with the glory holes in them, how they worked.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
If you seek out a place to straightly enjoy your straight porn while you masturbate straightly about straight stuff, and there are hard dicks coming through the walls in the place where you're sitting watching your straight porn, we get to call your straight straightliness into question. No one goes to a place like that despite the dicks. You go to a place like that for the dicks.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Kinzinger is right. It's about the hypocrisy. And Robinson's hypocrisy doesn't begin and end with his love of porn or his high tolerance for or love of dicks coming through walls. He's famously anti-choice. He thinks abortion should be banned in all cases, no exceptions for rape or incest. He's told women they won't need abortions if they could just be responsible enough to keep their skirts down.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
But when his girlfriend needed an abortion, Robinson paid for that abortion. With Girl Scout cookies, I'm guessing, since his actual money was going to porn shops. So Robinson, he is just another screw as I say, not as I screw Republican. Porn and dicks and abortion rights for me, prison and gay bashing and forced births. For thee. Mark Robinson now, some people need killing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Mark Robinson then, some dicks need sucking. I prefer the old Mark Robinson, the friendly, affable guy who by all reports brought pizza to the dirty video store to share with the other customers and the clerks who remember him. And in perhaps the most disturbing detail in that long story in the assembly, Mark would bring a whole pizza for himself and take it into the video booth and eat it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
which is grosser, I'm sorry, and more squalid than sitting in a video booth at the back of a dirty bookstore and eating a dick. All right, our next Savage Love Live, our monthly Zoom hangout for Magnum subs is this Thursday, 12 p.m. Pacific time. I will be answering questions live, talking with my subs, and bringing on a guest maybe. Want to join us, but not a Magnum sub?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Become one of my subs now by subscribing at savage.love slash subscribe. And coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As. Joining me on the micro, everyone's favorite simple country doctor, Dr. Barack. Everybody loves Dr. Barack for his compassionate, no-nonsense approach to the most fucked-up sex questions I can toss at him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
But did you know, like me, Dr. Barack is a politics junkie? This week, he's here to share the research he did on making political giving super-duper easy in this crucial moment in the upcoming election. He told me where to send money, how to send money, and I did it with him as we recorded. And you can listen and you can donate along with me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And I ambushed him, of course, at the end with an insane sex question because who doesn't like to hear Dr. Barack squirm? And our guest on the Magnum, because of course we have a guest on the Magnum too, Jill Filipovich, journalist, lawyer, author. She wrote OK Boomer. Let's talk about how my generation got left behind.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Jill returns to the show to help me tackle a question about generational wealth. Not a topic that comes up on the Lovecast often, but a question that Jill is absolutely the perfect guest to help me answer. All right, let's get to the first call. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the makers of my mattress and your next mattress.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. This is their best offer yet. It won't last long. Go get your new mattress. With Helix, better sleep starts now. This episode is brought to you by NoCD. You have repeated unwanted thoughts that are violent, sexual, or aggressive in nature? It could be OCD.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Now that all sounds pretty squalid, I realize, and it all felt pretty squalid to me at the time. But understand that the baths and the bushes and the bookstores were where gay men and bi men and closet cases who were looking for dick right away went before gay.com and then Craigslist and then Grindr and then Scruff and then Sniffies all came along.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
NoCD offers virtual therapy that can help you reclaim your life from OCD. Their therapists are all OCD specialists, so they understand intrusive thoughts, even the ones that feel too shameful to share. To learn more about therapy with NoCD, go to NoCD.com to schedule a free 15-minute call. That's NoCD.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
She doesn't like to be kissed on the mouth. She doesn't like those wet faces coming together. How does she feel about, I don't know, the other end of her gastrointestinal tract? How does she feel about having her ass eaten? Does that do anything for you, making out with the other end of the GI tract? I don't know. It seems to me that you two have a fundamental disconnect here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
If kissing is something that you require... to get going, to feel engaged erotically, to become aroused. And kissing is something, for neurodivergent reasons, that she absolutely positively cannot do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
If this thing that gives you not just tremendous pleasure, but this thing you kind of need to experience all the other pleasures that come bundled with sex, that thing triggers her fight or flight response, probably you're not going to be able to do that thing. You may be, or you may not be, you guys have made this work up to now, sexually incompatible.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
You know, if you need X and somebody absolutely positively cannot do X, and X isn't just something that you enjoy, one of the many things that you enjoy, but it's crucial. It's the gateway enjoyment thing that takes you to all the other things that you enjoy and that hopefully your partner also enjoys, but they can't do X. Well, maybe you shouldn't be together. You are together.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
So far, you have figured out how to make this work. You bring up neuroplasticity and not to change her and her feelings, but to change you and your feelings. And what I think you're trying to get at there is, is there a way to decenter kissing from your erotic script, erotic imagination, the thing that gets you going, the key that you slip in to start the engine? Is there something else?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
maybe eating her ass, maybe making out with her armpits. Maybe there's some place you can go with your mouth that engages with an erogenous zone of hers where she enjoys that kind of tonguing, open mouth kissing, that sort of allowing you to be the sucker fish or whatever it is that you need to be to click in. When it comes to people adopting different like
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Anyway, I wasn't interested in the bushes or the bathhouses or the bookstores. First, I couldn't share a can of Coke with my sister, passing it back and forth, because backwash and cooties. I certainly wasn't at 16 or 17 going to suck a dick that had been in 10 other mouths for all I knew. And I had a lot of uncles. My mom had five siblings. My dad had eight.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
sex acts, whether we're talking, you know, just from the vanilla play box or the kink play box, people will grow and change and will wind up one day doing, enjoying things that when they first began their sexual journey, they didn't anticipate that they would enjoy or ever really want to do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And when you sit down with somebody and really talk about it, you can usually trace the thread back that there was a thread that ran through from, you know, being held down for a kinkster, like, They really were aroused by being held down.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
They liked to be held down, all the way up to the insane bondage they do now, which if you'd suggested to them they might be interested in that, when all they really wanted to do was be held down, they would have been like, ooh, no, gross. But they grew in that direction, but there is this thread. I don't know what that thread would be for you, for kissing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
What are the sensual and erotic engagement of kissing, that pressing your faces together, drinking each other's saliva, breathing their breath in, taking in their carbon monoxide along with their saliva, and just being that close and that intimate, tasting each other's mouths in that way, what flows from that? Of course, my mind went straight to eating her ass.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I'm using action to refer to the affair, this three-year affair. I would encourage you kids to tell yourselves that you just don't know what was going on in your parents' marriage. You don't know what sort of compromises, contingencies were made over the decades your parents were together. And I was talking to your mom. I would just tell her,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
to look at the sum total of the marriage, not just the betrayal of the affair, but everything that they were to each other. And to regard this as... a serious betrayal that caused her a lot of pain, particularly to find out in the way she found out about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Or I fucked around, I took a risk, I behaved a little recklessly, and I found someone I wanted to keep fucking around with for a while or forever. My point, sometimes we fuck around and find out something good. Sometimes we fuck around and find out something great. So here's what I want for my birthday. I want you, yes, you with the earbuds in listening to the show at the gym.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And at the moment she found out about it, where she wasn't then in a position to confront your father, to process it, to, to work through it, to ask, be asked for forgiveness that maybe she could have gotten to a place where she could extend that forgiveness to him. No, she finds out and he drops fucking dead. And so this is always going to be,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Not that the resolution of a pain like this makes the pain disappear or makes everything uncomplicated and rosy again, but to have some resolution, even if what you resolved is I'm mad and I'm sorry. And that's as far as you could get before your dad dropped dead. That would be something. And your mother was denied in the moment that this all came out, even that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And I just ache for your mother, but I would encourage your mother to see this marriage, not only through the lens of this affair at the very end of it, but to see the totality of it. And maybe if she can see the totality of it, it will not erase, not disappear the affair and what it meant, but dilute it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
You know, I think when you're in a longterm relationship, I think what all relationships are stories that two people create together. The couple is a story that's told by the couple to each other. The couple is also a story that each of those people in that couple tell to others together and separately about who they are and what they mean to each other.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And your mom's story about her relationship about her marriage is a lot more complicated than it was a week and a half ago, but it's not complicated in a way that a lot of people's marriages and relationships aren't also complicated.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
A lot of people out there who've been cheated on and taken someone back or forgiven them or left them and managed to salvage from the calamity, the catastrophe of the affair and the betrayal, a friendship, or even still a marriage. People cheat, get past it, stay married, recommit, are able then to see or feel the love that the revelation of the affair may have obscured for months or years.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It can reemerge. And that's a story your mother could tell herself about this affair. Instead of telling herself, this means he never loved me, She can tell herself this means our love was big and messy and complicated. And he was an asshole and selfish and did something terrible.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And maybe if he'd lived for another couple of years, I could have divorced his ass, but stayed in his life because we have kids together or we would have reconciled. I think in the telling of that story, your mother may find some peace because in the same way that a couple is a story, it's a myth two people create together and a story two people tell each other and tell others about who they are.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Your mother's going to have a story to tell about her marriage now that she's a widow. And what is that story going to be? And what is that story going to look like? And how much weight and importance is she going to place on
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
shitty awful selfish boneheaded thing her dead husband did toward the end of his life and how much weight is she going to put on everything else that the relationship was and meant and achieved including you kids as the shock of it fades the shock of the affair, how she found out about it, and then her husband's death.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Yes, you listening to the show in your car with the five-year-old in the backseat that you hope is asleep. Yes, you on the subway wondering if the little old lady sitting next to you can hear the show over your headphones. And yes, she can. I want you to jump into the comment thread for this week's show and share something good you found out fucking around.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It'll never recede out of sight, but hopefully it will recede to some proportionate way and not be the only thing she can think about or the only thing she sees or takes away from however many decades your parents spent together. My heart goes out to you and your siblings and most of all your mother. And not that it matters, not that it helps, but I'm mad at your dad too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I've been traveling a bit lately, but no matter where I land, whether I'm at my boyfriend's place or at home with my husband, I crash on a Helix mattress. So yeah, the person I'm sleeping with, that sometimes changes, but what I'm sleeping on never changes. When it comes to mattresses, I am monogamous.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection, that's ours, the newly released Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix Sleep Quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes, and your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And with their 100-night sleep trial, you can try it out, try out your new mattress, see how your body adjusts, and if you decide it's not the best fit, you're welcome to return it for a full refund.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
They offer models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side, or models with more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support for stomach and back sleeping positions, plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. Unlike a lot of mattress companies out there, Helix owns its own manufacturing facility.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Each and every Helix mattress is made by a team of skilled manufacturers and shipped directly from their facility to your door. And right now, Helix is offering my listeners 20% off all mattress orders. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. With Helix, better sleep starts now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Hello, Team Savage, early 40s male living on the East Coast, and I'm seeking suggestions or a plan to achieve a lifelong fetish as ethically as possible. I have always been attracted to pregnant women. I know, I'm one of those creeps. I'd love the opportunity to give someone a full-body, luxurious massage and pamper or prostrate whatever that person wanted.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
My fetish has actually made me a lifelong advocate for reproductive freedom and informed many of my practices as a social worker. So, I want a pregnant hookup who is happy to be objectified or to objectify me. Here are my complications.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Some partners in the past, while always GGG, even while generously trying to wear a fake belly and breast set, take me immediately out of the moment and kill my arousal. It's not their fault. I couldn't commit to the fantasy. My spouse and I are together because we do not want children. And I got a vasectomy pre-pandemic, so the obvious choice is out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Any hookups I would seek have an obvious timeline constraint between showing and giving birth. And most pregnant people aren't dating or swinging for obvious reasons. It also, from their perspective, probably feels like a rushed decision for anyone pregnant looking for a hookup like me, assuming such a person exists.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
If it's not something you want to share with the whole class, if it's something for my eyes only, you can email your fucked around and found out something good story to me at mail at savagelove.net. This is all I want for my birthday. Some good stories about the great things that happened to you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And I'd want the person to feel that they have properly vetted me until they feel safe, as America can be a scary place for any expecting family. Is this scene something I'd put on the front page of a hookup app? How do I put this out there?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Joining me to help answer this question, Randy Rainbow, four-time Emmy and Grammy-nominated American comedian, producer, actor, singer, writer, satirist, host, and New York Times bestselling author. His musical parodies and political spoofs have garnered him worldwide acclaim. We were the first to acclaim him on this program.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
His latest book, Low-Hanging Fruits, Sparkling Wines, Champagne Problems, and Pressing Issues from My Gay Agenda, out October 8th from St. Martin's Press. Randy, welcome back to the Lovecast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I was digging through some old tweets to find an old mean tweet I sent out about Tim Miller in 2015. And I found a tweet I sent out about you in 2015 telling HBO to give you a special already. 2016, the Randy Rainbow fan club card in my wallet. I am member 001. I am number one Randy Rainbow fan.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
All right, before we get to this call, your last book, Playing With Myself, came out like five minutes ago and now you have a new book out, Collection of Humorous Essays. Randy, you're making me look bad in front of my publisher who's been waiting for a new book since 2013. Stop it. How do you produce so much tremendous content?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Yeah. I told my publisher, as soon as I'm done reading Twitter, I will crank out another book. But there's just more to read every day.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Okay, so I thought you were the perfect guest expert to tackle this man's problem because his issue is, you know, he says he's had partners who are GGG, willing to wear pads, fake being pregnant.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Is that Golden Girls something? What is GGG? Good giving in game, good in bed, giving of life. pleasure, attention, and game for anything within reason. His problem is he couldn't commit, that it threw him out. And Randy, his problem is he can't commit to the bet. You are the master of committing to the bet. Give him some advice about committing to the bet. He He wants to find a pregnant.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
My listeners, when you got out there and you were literally fucking around, fucking around in the fucking around sense of fucking around, fucking around in the having sex sense of fucking around, which, you know, can involve sometimes risky or reckless behavior, unwise decisions, and still not all of the consequences are negative. Sometimes the consequences, sometimes what you find out is positive.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
He's like a guy with a pregnancy fetish. They exist. Hopefully all the women who just listen to this aren't going to think that all straight men who are supporters of reproductive freedom are secretly creepy pregnancy fetishes like this guy is, although he credits his pregnancy fetish for his support of reproductive freedom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
But he can't commit in that he's not he's not that somebody who's wearing a fake pregnancy pad is not really pregnant. And what he wants is a really pregnant woman. You do these amazing videos where you're performing with opposite Donald Trump, J.D. Vance, Ted Cruz, Marjorie Taylor Greene. And it's like you're in the room with them. So you don't have any problem committing to the bed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
This is one of those kinks that's really hard to realize because like the caller said, you know, most women who are pregnant are partnered. They're not out there swinging. They're not single. They're probably not in the mood to be perved over by somebody who objectifies them for sex. pregnancy, which for them is like this miracle. They're going to have a child. It wasn't sexual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It's not a kink that they're pregnant. And yet he wants them to like allow someone whose kink is, Oh my God, this woman is pregnant to basically rub them all over. And there might be some women who are pregnant who might be into that, but they're going to be few and far between. And the odds that he's going to be in the same place, same time zone at the same time as one of those women.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And what he can get is a GGG partner who's willing to pretend to be pregnant, but he's saying that that's not good enough for him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
We save up our best straight people calls for you, Randy, all year long. So weird. So your amazing videos, which have just gotten better and better and better, you're still making them in your living room?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I'm so in awe of you, and you're one of those people that each success of yours just brings me such joy and pleasure. Oh, my God. I follow you on Instagram, and every time you put pictures up of you at the Emmys, you with divas and heroes, I live vicariously through you, and I'm so happy for you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Every time you're in Seattle to do your show, I'm not in Seattle. And every time I'm in New York, you're not in New York. So we've never actually met in person.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Life-changing. So, what did you find out fucking around that you were happy to find out? Jump into the comment thread and share. Do it for me for my birthday. All right, coming up on today's show on the micro and the magnum, Randy Rainbow is back. He's here to talk about his new book, Low Hanging Fruit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Randy Rainbow, thank you for coming back on the show. Thank you. I love you. I hope you're enjoying my conversation with the amazing Randy Rainbow. For more of my conversation with Randy, become a Magnum Savage Lovecast subscriber today at savage.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Hey folks, if you're a Savage Lovecast listener, we know you like true stories and we think you'll love the radically honest true stories on the podcast Risk.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Risk is where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share, like the one about the guy who cooked and served his own leg to his friends as tacos, or the one about the woman who found out the person she was anonymously sharing her kinky fantasies with online was her dad. Risk is one of the first podcasts I ever followed, and it's still one of my favorite weekly listens.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Host and creator Kevin Allison created an amazing show and community really at Risk. If you've never heard it and you're looking for something bingeable for a trip or a long flight, download Risk now and you will be instantly hooked. If you think you've heard it all, just wait till you hear Risk. Listen and follow Risk on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Randy also sticks around to give a little sex advice and talk with me about pregnancy fetishists and nudism evangelists and how weird some straight people can be. And a note for our Magnum subs. Our next Savage Love Live is Thursday, October 17th at noon Pacific. Savage Love Live is a special Zoom hangout exclusively for our Magnum subscribers. Not a Magnum sub yet.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
That leapt out at me when I was listening to your question. You guys opened your relationship? You know, when it was just the two of you, The sex was equal and even because every time you had sex, you were having sex with each other, monogamous relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And then when you opened it up to just that one other person and became a kind of de facto throuple, and you're having a lot of three ways, you were still having basically the same amount of sex. You were both getting the same amount of dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
But now that you're going out to bathhouses, now that you're having NSA sex, no strings attached sex, anonymous sex, a kind of sex that your husband doesn't enjoy, He feels jealous. I don't think it's quite the right word. There is, I think, in gay male relationships, this masculine shit around competitiveness. We see our partners as people we love and equals, but also there's just this like...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Competitive one-upmanship in male friendships, male relationships, and even gay male loving relationships, which is where this desire of your partners to keep up, to match you dick for dick arises. Maybe coming from, and if he can identify that as what he needs to let go of, maybe you can diffuse this tense situation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Right now for you, quantity is quality, but for your partner, quality matters more than quantity. Yeah. I've seen this in other gay male couples where they open their relationship up and one was getting a lot more play.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
We talk about this a lot when it comes to straight couples opening their relationships where it's often a lot easier for a woman in an open marriage or relationship to find men willing to sleep with partnered women than it is for straight men to find women who are willing to sleep with partnered men. And so this competitiveness can play out differently in different relationships.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
But I think it's really acute in male relationships because of that male competitiveness. It's almost like, you know, kids when mom and dad are dividing up the ice cream for dessert and you want to have your portions be exactly the same.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
That sort of sibling rivalry I think can play out in game out relationships, but also that you're getting so much more than me, even though, you know, he's still getting some more. Yeah. but not as much as you. But what he needs to recognize and accept is that he doesn't want as much as you do. And so it's not a numbers game.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It's not about matching each other dick for dick and it being even and the portions of dick ice cream being exactly the same. It's about what do you want? What makes you happy? What does he want? What makes him happy?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And there was something you said in your question that made it sound like your partner's going out there and getting some Anandic himself or nearly Anand or going with you to the bathhouses. And he's not enjoying what he's doing because it's not what he wants to do. He's only doing it to keep up. And if he could let go of that...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
that impulse to keep up, to match you, to make sure it's fair and focus on fair in numbers and focus on fairness in sexual fulfillment, self-actualization, each of you making space in your relationship for the other to have what he wants right now in the proportion and the degree that he wants and needs it right now. I am kind of taking your side here because I think your partner is
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Hey everybody, it is my birthday this week and I'm away. So got a short intro for you, a packed show, but a short intro and an ask, a favor, something I want you, my listeners, to do for me for my birthday. You know that expression, fuck around and find out? It's never good what people find out. Someone fucks around taking selfies at the top of the Grand Canyon and they find out about gravity.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
is focusing on the numbers of dicks as opposed to the number of dicks that he wants, matching you dick for dick, as opposed to having the freedom to explore what he wants, how he wants to explore it, as you have the freedom to explore what you want, how you want to explore it. And there, there's the baseline freedom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Become one of my subs right now at savage.love slash subscribe. And you will get an invite to come to the next Savage Love Live, which is again Thursday, October 17th
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Rather than counting the dicks, what you should do is place value and importance on that one thing. Not the number of dicks that you've each had this week, but the freedom you both enjoy to go out there as individuals, also as a couple together, and have experiences that you enjoy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
you both plural and singular there, that you two enjoy together as a couple, that you two each enjoy solo as individuals. And yeah, if he's out there sucking dicks that he doesn't want to suck just so he got to suck as many dicks as you got to suck, that's not going to be pleasant for him. And if you don't get to suck as many dicks as you want to suck because he's
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
making this category error about what's fair and what's not fair, that's not going to be good for you either. So sit down with your partner, have a conversation, try not to lay all the blame at his feet. But right now I think the issue here, the problem here is his.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
noon pacific and hey maybe at savage love live some people some subs can share in real time with me on the show your best fucked around and found out something good stories all right happy birthday to me thanks in advance for all your great stories that i just know you're dying to share at savage.love on this show's comment threads and now let's get to that first call this episode is brought to you by helix sleep the very best mattress designed with your comfort in mind
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And we're gonna leave it there. There are three ways to get us your questions and comments for future shows. You can record your question or your comment on our website at savage.love.com. Or you can make a voice memo and email us your question to q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Right now, get 20% off the mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It is your last chance this weekend to catch Hump 2024 Part 2 in San Francisco in a theater. Cleveland, Juneau, Nashville, Brooklyn, Atlanta, Hump 2024 Part 2 is coming soon to a theater in you. Can't make it to a theater for a screening or just want to have a Hump viewing party at home? You can stream Hump. Go to humpfilmfest.com for tickets to hump in theaters and home streaming passes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Our next Savage Love Live for Magnum subs is Thursday, October 17th at noon Pacific. Savage Love Live, of course, is our special Zoom hangout exclusively for our Magnum subscribers. Not one of my subs yet. Become one of my subs right now at savage.love slash subscribe and you will get an invite to the next Savage Love Live in your email on the morning of the show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at blue sky at Dan Savage. Follow Randy rainbow on Instagram and threads and Twitter at Randy rainbow. Get his new book, low hanging fruit, wherever books are sold. The savage love cast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at risk youth and Nancy and
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Well, I'll be back at you next week with an installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading. And now you know what you need to do for me. Jump into the comment thread on this show and share your best fucked around and found out something good story.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Either this guy is an asshole and you know that now based on his reaction to your asking for some help. Or you left something out. You kept saying you exposed him. Now, doesn't sound like he contracted COVID. So even if you were hanging out with him when you first began to show symptoms and then you realized you had COVID and you think, oh, well, I exposed him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Therefore, he should come cuddle with me and pet my hair while I'm sick with COVID. He didn't contract it necessarily. So he may not want to cuddle and hang out and hold your hand and sit next to you on the couch while you're sick because even though you quote unquote technically exposed him, he didn't from that one exposure to you when you were becoming symptomatic, contract COVID.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Or in 2016, a whole bunch of people fucked around in the voting booth and voted third party because they thought Clinton was going to win and they find out, yeah, that wasn't a lock for Clinton. Best definition for fuck around and find out, I could find after fucking around online for a bit, was written by John Ancora.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It didn't take. He didn't get sick and he doesn't want to get sick. And so he doesn't want to hang out with you. But there's something about the coldness and almost anger in his reaction that has me wondering if what you left out is you kind of knew you had COVID or suspected you had COVID or he thinks you should have known that you had COVID when you hung out with him and exposed him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, well, there's nothing you can't ask on the Savage Lovecast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
which is not a technicality that then requires him to show up at your apartment and make sure that second exposure takes, if the first didn't, by holding you at a moment when, understandably, you're sick, you'd like to be held. I came down with COVID once. My boyfriend promptly left the apartment and I didn't see him for two weeks. Three weeks, because I took Paxilvid and had rebound.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It fucking sucked. But just because he was my boyfriend and we were around each other a little bit at the start didn't obligate him to stick around and really get COVID. Make sure he got COVID. So, look, yeah. Either he's an asshole or he's angry about whatever went down when you exposed him. If he's an asshole, fuck him. Break up with him. He's not your partner.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
He didn't react to you getting sick in the loving way you would expect a partner to. And you know how you expect a partner to react? Someone you don't live with at a moment where you get COVID? They say, oh my God, you're sick. I will be right there. with food and anything else that you need. You need to go get your meds. You need anything comfort foodie special.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I will run to that market or wherever and I will get you that special comfort foodie thing and I will leave it all on your porch because I don't want to get COVID. And then I will call you and we can FaceTime and watch something together on Netflix in our separate apartments where I won't get COVID. And then you can keep testing. And when you test negative, I will be there in person.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
when I'm no longer at risk of getting infected with this illness, which is still killing people by the hundreds, not the tens of thousands and hundreds of thousands anymore, but some people do get it and fucking die. And I don't know your boyfriend.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I don't know if he has some underlying medical condition that could make COVID riskier for him than it is for other people in his age demographic who are otherwise generally healthy. I'm generally healthy. I have fucked up lungs and asthma. COVID was pretty risky for me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
If I were your boyfriend, I would have run all the errands, gotten all the meds, brought you all your special things, special food, everything you need. But I would not have cuddled you on the couch. I wouldn't have. So his cold reaction, he's an asshole. and you should ask him to bring food to your house one more time, and then you should break up with him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
A colloquial expression used to convey a warning or a challenge, it implies that if someone continues to engage in risky or reckless behavior, they will eventually face negative consequences. The phrase is often used humorously or sarcastically to caution against making unwise decisions.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
First, I'm so sorry for your loss and your siblings' loss and what your mother lost, which isn't just her husband of however many years, but also your her idea of what their marriage was and what they meant to each other and what they had achieved together. There are two different ways to understand a kind of late in life, late in a multi-decade marriage affair like this. You can understand it
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
You know, it seems to me when read literally and read pedantically, fucking around, taking risks doesn't always lead to negative consequences. I know it's been true in my own life, and I can't imagine I'm the only one out there for whom this is true, but there have been times when I fucked around and found out something I needed to know or wanted to know.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
in the way that we're encouraged to understand infidelity. That if somebody could cheat on you, if they could do that, particularly a protracted affair, that's proof that they did not love you and that the relationship, this marriage, was a lie. That becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We're told that. We're told that that's how we should understand an affair, infidelity.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And then we feel that way when we learn that that we were cheated on. Yeah, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. There's another way to understand it. Life is long. Relationships are complicated. People, as Esther Perel writes in State of Affairs, people often cheat, not because they don't love their partner, but for reasons that have something to do with a need of theirs as an individual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And it doesn't negate the love and the commitment that existed but was complicated by the affair, tarnished by the affair that your father was so close to getting away with. You know, I have a letter, very different circumstance, from a married man who for a few years was going to places, massage parlors during a low point in his marriage and getting happy ending massages.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
which he stopped doing like four years ago. And he's wrestling with whether he needs to tell his wife to shift the burden of knowing from his shoulders to her shoulders, to relieve himself of the guilt by relieving himself all over her and destroy in the telling, her idea of what their marriage is and how their marriage has functioned over the decades they've been together.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I think he should keep his fucking mouth shut. If I could jump in a time machine and snatch that phone out of your mother's hands, I would because yeah, it would have been better if your father had gone to his grave, having successfully hidden this affair from your mother and your mother, never found out about it and you kids never found out about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
But what you found out was something that you should have always probably assumed, which is not that your dad was a cheater, but that your dad was a complicated and contradictory person capable of bad, shitty, selfish, inconsiderate, potentially really damaging to the people he loved actions like this one. Action makes it sound like a one-off singular.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
I'm sure there were some people who were regular listeners who were tempted to celebrate this very first feast of the ass that we're rolling out in this big way by feasting on the ass. For the first time, and now I've talked them out of it. This doesn't happen.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
This doesn't happen if you are good to go, cleaned out, if you douched and you douched really well, or if you're just, you know, you're regular and you know when you're empty and good to go, which worked for most of us most of the time before everybody started douching about 10 minutes ago. And also, you don't have to go deep.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
You can feast without pushing your tongue into the butt as far as it can possibly go. You can just lick the sphincters.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
You can lick the outside, which is so unjarring that a lot of people who are performing cunnilingus or licking balls, licking taint, have done it by accident without realizing it and only found out later when they talked to the person who's ass they accidentally licked that they licked their ass. It's not like, ah, you touched a butt with your tongue and your tongue bursts into flames or anything.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
So if you're tempted to feast on the ass for the first time on this feast of the ass, please do feast on the ass, but make it a clean ass. And caller, I am sorry to have burdened you with that book learning of mine. But if I had to read that, I'm sorry to say you had to hear that. And that could be an explanation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
So spend a little bit more time in the shower, cleaning out when you're going to do butt stuff, including deep rimming.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
When every girl in the theater club suddenly has a boyfriend in the theater club and then a couple of months later everybody hits puberty and all the boys come out and that is the end of all those beautiful first relationships. In Wicked, the film, the prepubescent theater kids are all played by actors in their 30s and 40s so you have to squint to see it. But it's there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
You're looking at that dick pic that you spotted on her phone, that pic of a guy with a limp dick, with 20-20 hindsight. You now know what that pic meant. So, no, no, you weren't wrong not to just leave at the sight of that dick pic. There are lots of good reasons somebody who wasn't
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Quickly, while we're on the subject of film adaptations of Stephen Schwartz musicals, Hollywood, if you're listening, please do Pippin next. Schwartz's 1972 musical about a prince trying to find himself. Jonathan Bailey could play Pippin if you rush it into production right now. And Pippin, it has something no musical does. No other musical has.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
lying to the degree and the extent that this woman had been lying to you for four years might have a rando's dick pic on her phone or his phone or a rando rack pic on his phone or her phone could be something from the spank bank could be a hot ex they could be flirting with somebody without any intent of ever meeting up with them and just kind of
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Some people would call this micro-cheating or micro-infidelity. Just swapping a few dirty pics to feel affirmed and sexy and goosed and charged up, and it's not something that most people would particularly want to know their partners were engaged in, but might, in some roundabout way... Ignorance is bliss. Benefit from their partners engaging in.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Somebody else affirms your partner, tells them they're hot, tells them they're sexy, swaps a couple of dirty pics with them. Your partner who's made a monogamous commitment to you honors that monogamous commitment and comes home all horny and pivots to you and they're attracted to you. It's not like they're staring at that dirty pic that somebody sent them on their phone while they're fucking you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
They're fucking the shit out of you. And this stranger, this thotty, this hottie on the internet is
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
cranked them up however her reaction to you spotting that pic suddenly deleting everything off her phone oh no no that was a tell right that her explanation for the dick pic wasn't oh that's my ex and every once in a while i like to look at that dick and have a wank but i don't ever want to be with my ex again and i love your dick that she started deleting shit
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
That was a sign that it was more than just some random or some ex that she had on her phone. Something was up. Your spidey senses were tingling and they should have been. We know now because this bitch had a secret second family. She was playing you. She was lying to you for four fucking years, leading you on in this really devastating way. People throw gaslighting around that term too loosely.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
You were, I want to introduce my cat to your cat because we're going to live together. Meanwhile, I have a secret second family and properties I own. No intention of ever fucking living with you. And the let's introduce our cats to each other was this head fake to keep your dick coming. Yeah, that's gaslighting. And I am sorry that happened to you. How do you trust again? Your other question.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
You will yourself too. You trust but verify. You Google people a little sooner than you might have started to Google this woman. You tell someone you trust them. You tell them you had a bad experience. You share this when you get to that stage of a relationship. When you move out of the...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
auditioning and, you know, stressing out to your friends about the things that are stressing out about the relationship and really processing with the person, not endlessly, but to come to, to make the relationship work, to adjust to each other emotionally. And at that moment you can share an insecurity and say, this is a thing that happened to me and it's crazy, but it's true.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Right. And so, yeah, I need you to be straight with me. You got a secret second family. I need to hear that you don't. And I'll need some reassurance every once in a while. And please, if you start doing things that are. My brain might start adding them up in a way that's unfair to you because of what this shitty other person did to me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
A love song that isn't sung to one particular boy or one particular girl or by a boy to a girl or a girl to a boy. It's not a duet. It is a love song that is sung during an orgy to the participants of that orgy. And it's beautiful. I tear up every time I listen to it. And I listen to it a lot because I'm a theater kid. All right, Nosferatu.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And we both might have to live with the consequences of what this shitty other person did to me, where I will be sometimes maybe even a little irrationally insecure and I'll need reassurance that you wouldn't have to give to somebody who didn't go through an experience like this. And if somebody loves you, they can hear that and they can come through with that kind of reassurance.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And if they're squirrely about coming through with that kind of reassurance, if they can't give that to you, okay, maybe they don't have the emotional tools to be in a relationship. Or maybe they have a secret second fucking family and a bunch of dick pics on their phone that are incriminating and not... Innocent.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And yes, I do think it's possible for somebody to have innocent dick pics of other people's dicks on their phone. That makes me an outlier in the sex and relationship advice racket. But it is what I think, and you did call me. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
I have had my Helix Sleep mattress since 2020 and my mattress love, my affection for my mattress, my relationship with my mattress, and I'm sure you're all really curious about, is going strong. I really do love all of my Helix mattresses and all of the people I get to love on my Helix mattresses.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection, that's ours, the Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix Sleep Quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes, and your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door today. free of charge.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And with their 100-night sleep trial, you can try out your new mattress, see how your body adjusts to it, and if you decide it's not the best fit for you, you are welcome to return it for a full refund.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
They offer models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side, or models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Plus, Helix has, and these are very important to me because all of my guys are furnaces, Helix has enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night or keep the person who's overheating next to you from overheating you at night. Helix mattresses all come with a 10 to 15 year warranty depending on the model.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Other mattress companies use fiberglass as a flame retardant in their products, but Helix mattresses are free of harmful fiberglass materials. In fact, Helix owns its manufacturing facility and it is entirely free from products containing fiberglass.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And again, they offer a 100 night trial so you can try out your Helix mattress, your new Helix mattress, risk-free, and it comes with a 10 to 15 year warranty. And right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free dream pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. helixsleep.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
This is a remake of a vampire movie that came out in 1922, a movie that has been remade a dozen times over the last century. And the latest version of Nosferatu borrows plot elements from Dracula by Bram Stoker, a novel that came out 130 plus years ago, which itself has been made into dozens, hundreds of films, stage plays, radio dramas, musicals, and TV shows ever.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
I'm old enough to remember when people had kinky sex without taking pictures because there was nowhere to take those pictures to get developed. There were actually famous stories and urban legends and myths that were entirely legendary or mythical about people who worked at photo shops, places people took their film to get developed back when people had to take
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
film someplace to get developed, who would collect the dirty pictures that people would sometimes bring in. And most of those places, your CVSs, your Walgreens, your photo stops, they wouldn't print. If they saw dirty pictures, they would destroy your film and throw it all away. So...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
That's why people took Polaroids, which weren't ideal and were blurry, but Polaroids were the only option for dirty pics until digital photographs came along, until cell phones and cell phone pictures and iClouds came along, where it's all technology and there's no other humans involved or implicated, so you don't have to worry about... the consent of the poor person at the CVS or the Walgreens.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Most of the CVSs and Walgreens I've been to lately, they don't have film development places because nobody gets their film developed. And if they have a film development place, It's a machine where you do the developing and you print it out. Shutterfly warns people on their website. It's a place you can go online to upload photographs, to get prints made and sent back to you framed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Perhaps if that's what you want, they warn you that people, other people may see your photographs, which is, I think an indication that in most instances, nobody sees your photograph because the entire process is complicated. digital. The entire process is done by computers and machines, but there are no guarantees, especially if you're having it framed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Somebody might need to look at your dirty, baked up frame, so maybe you should frame them yourselves. But I think this is a concern about consent in search of a violation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Most of the prints you make online now, nowadays, you're not interacting with some high school junior who's working nights at Walgreens in the photo development department because there is no photo development department at Walgreens. You're sending them off from your computer, from your phone to a much bigger computer that is making prints automatically and spitting them back out to you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Somebody might see them. That is possible. But I think it's a job occupation if you're in photo development, particularly now in our pornified age. So I would encourage you to do your own research, do some Googling, find a place that's entirely digital, and get those prints made if you want those prints made. And enjoy your kinky sex life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And remember, you don't always have to take a picture when you're having kinky sex. Sometimes you can just let the kinky sex be kinky sex and not be kinky sex you felt obligated to document.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
It should be impossible to spoil Nosferatu. There is nothing surprising ever in Nosferatu. But again, here's your spoiler warning. Skip ahead. So Thomas, played by Nicholas Holt, is married to Ellen, played by Lily Rose Depp. But Ellen is supernaturally betrothed to Nosferatu, the vampire, played by Bill Skarsgård. Ellen loves Thomas, but physically aches for Nosferatu.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Everyone here, me, Nancy, every single one of the tech savvy at-risk youth, and we checked with all of them, we're team you. We are on your side. Stick to your guns. Your boundaries here are perfectly reasonable. You don't have to wrap them up in judgment about your older brother's failed past relationships. But yeah, tell this woman a friendship might develop in time, but we can't Force it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And I don't want to get 8 million texts from you every day. Let's hang out every once in a while. My brother has gotten to know you pretty well in a few months, well enough to want to propose to you. I will get to know you in time. And if we're going to be sisters-in-law and friends and friends, not sisters-in-law perforce friends, that relationship will develop.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
But if you try to force the relationship... I'm not going to become your friend. It's like scaring me off. So I'm holding space. We're all holding space here for your entirely reasonable... boundaries. Don't tell your family that you don't want to hang out with this woman because your brother has a string of failed engagements in his past. Just tell them you're happy to see her at family events.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
You obviously were kind to her at Christmas and this child, you got this child, a Christmas present, this child you've known for three months that is above and beyond the call of duty. And if you're going to be friends, that'll happen. You can also tell them that this is not what you want from a friend, a barrage of texts every day.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
You know, who doesn't want 8 million texts in a day from me, my husband, my boyfriend, even if you were with this person, you wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of this kind of harassment. So yeah, just don't respond to her texts and don't take the bait. Your family gets on your grill about it. Don't be defensive. Just say, hey, I like her. Maybe we'll be friends. We'll see in time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And change the fucking subject. But you're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. And you're also right about dating in your 40s. Sometimes you move on to a slightly quicker timetable. And you're right that three months in is too soon to introduce a child to not just your fiancé's family, but your fiancé if you've only been dating your fiancé for three months.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
You don't want that child making an emotional investment in people who, given what we know about – how fleeting new relationships can be, and this is still a new relationship, could wind up exiting this child's life quickly. And a kid who's already... seen their parents divorce may have understandably some abandonment issues, which is why people are well advised.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
But of course, nobody advised your brother's fiance to wait six months, a year into your, as certain as a person can be. And there are never any guarantees that this person you're asking to meet your kid, to make an emotional investment in your kid and your kid to make an emotional investment in your isn't going to disappear in a month's time. We'll be there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
She has to have him and he has to have her. And Thomas, understandably, doesn't want the vampire to have his wife. So there's this scene where Ellen is writhing on the floor, possessed as she sometimes is by and for Nosferatu. She's moaning, clawing at her clothes, and she looks Thomas in the eye and says something along the lines of, you cannot satisfy me the way he can.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
You included and your extended family included, your sisters and mom next Christmas too. And you can't know that yet. That said, you're not this kid's parent. And just like you shouldn't shame your brother about his past relationships, don't shame this woman about the choices she's made. Maybe she's sure this relationship is going to work out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
My brother-in-law proposed to his wife a few weeks after meeting her. We were at their wedding, which was three months or four months after they met. We were very disapproving. 20 years, they're still together. And so it worked out. It could work out. We'll see. A friendship could develop. We'll see. That's what you should say to your mom. That's what you should say to this woman.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Look, we may be friends in time, but this is not how it's going to happen. And it will have to happen organically and on a schedule, a timeframe that works for both of us. And this forcing of it, this rushing of it, this doesn't work for me. If you want to be my friend someday, you need to knock this shit off now. All right, time for listener feedback.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
First up, some of the comments left on last week's show and the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says Pushing Squares, Dan, regarding the caller who was getting unsolicited offers of cash from FinSubs and was worried it might be a scam. This is a well-known scam, Dan. The pay pig sends a large sum of money from a stolen cash Venmo or PayPal account.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And then says, oops, I paid you too much and asks someone like the caller to send most of the money back, but to a different account this time, making up some story about why the original account is unavailable. The original transaction is then reversed and the caller is out the cash. So original caller, if you're out there, block these folks with proofreading.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Thank you, Pushing Squares, for bringing that to my attention. I wasn't aware of that scam. I am now. People, if somebody sends you a large sum of money and asks you to send it back, don't send it back. Just like there's no crying in baseball, there are no refunds in Fyndom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Says Lars to the 30-something woman who's been dating a guy for the last few months but no sleepovers, haven't met any of his friends or his family. Call or confirm his name, where he lives, what his job is, everything. Because there is about a 93.7% chance you're the side piece and his quote-unquote ex is his wife or life partner.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Says by DanFan, Dan, you missed one important point in the call from the man who thought his nephew, with the conservative religious parents who goes to the conservative religious church, might be gay. What if he isn't?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
This is another big reason why the caller shouldn't lead with, I know or suspect you're gay and it's okay with me, because if the nephew is straight, that could push him to become more outwardly homophobic or toxically masculine to try to dispel such assumptions.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Caller should say something like, I know your church isn't a very tolerant place, but I want you to know that I'll accept you no matter what. That could include the nephew being gay, but also kinky, poly, etc. Thank you, ByDanFan. That is good advice, better maybe than my advice to invite the might-be-gay nephew to a screening of Wicked. Thank you, as ever, ByDanFan, for your comments.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
All right, for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at savage.love. And now, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners get the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And Thomas picks Ellen up, tosses her on the bed, and fucks the shit out of her. Thomas... That character in this story, going back to 1922, to that film version, has always been a cuckold. The subtext of Nosferatu, of Dracula, has always been cuckoldry. But in this new version, it's not subtext anymore. It is text. It is practically supertitles.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Nobody likes a spoiler, as I was reminded this weekend on the internet. But I saw Wicked, Nosferatu, and Baby Girl in one weekend, and I have to talk about them. And I'm going to talk about them. But I don't want to be accused, God forbid, of sharing spoilers, which is a capital offense. True story. The three people on federal death row that Joe Biden didn't pardon?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your questions and comments for future shows. You can record and upload your question directly onto our website at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo and email it to us at q at savage.love. Or you can call and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
The official trailer for the 20th anniversary Hump Film Festival is out now. You can check it out and check out the lineup for the entire 20th anniversary Hump Film Festival lineup right now at humpfilmfest.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And once you've gotten a taste of the killer lineup, the great films we have this year at Hump, you're going to want to grab your tickets while you're on the website, which you can do also at humpfilmfest.com. And the holiday we needed is just one week away, the holiday to brighten the dreariest of Januaries.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Learn more about Feast of the Ass coming up January 14th, next Tuesday, and get your Feast of the Ass merch right now at savage.love.com. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at blue sky at Dan Savage. Follow the funny Dom on Instagram and threads at the funny Dom returns. The third volume of the funny Dom's guide to kink. The daddy edition is out now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
I only mention it here because you don't see cuckolds represented in mainstream Hollywood films very often, much less played by big stars like Nicholas Hoult. I'm really looking forward to Ozzy Cuck, Hopeful Cuck, and the rest of the Cucks on the Cuck My Life podcast talking about this moment in Nosferatu and an upcoming episode of their excellent show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
The savage love cast is produced every week by Nancy Hartoonian and me and the tech savvy at risk youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week. Another installment of the savage love cast. Thank you for downloading. You will hear from us next on the feast of the ass.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And yeah, I gotta say, I gotta say this too because I can't help myself. If all I had to say out loud to get Nicholas Holt to fuck the shit out of me was you can't fill me up like he can, I would say that to Nicholas Holt three times a day. Finally, last film I saw this weekend, Sunday Night, Baby Girl. There is so much I want to say about Baby Girl.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Nicole Kidman stars as the powerful CEO of a big tech company who gets into a dom-sub relationship with a hot young intern. That is in the advertising campaign. I am not spoiling anything with that. Kidman's amazing. Harris Dickinson as the hot young intern, amazing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
But it almost physically pains me to say that screenwriter and director Helena Raine, as much as she sticks the mount, does she ever. There is so much successful mounting in this film. Oh, my God. She sticks them out, but doesn't quite stick the dismount. And that is all I'm going to say about Baby Girl.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
But I will be talking more and at greater length about Baby Girl on next week's show when writer Rebecca Wolf joins me for the guest segment. This is your notice to go see Baby Girl this week and then read Wolf's essay about Baby Girl on her sub stack, The Braid, RebeccaWolf.substack.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
And then join us next week on the show when we can talk about Baby Girl without spoiling it for you because you will have seen it by then. And Rebecca and I will go deep. All right, coming up tons of your cues, lots of my A's and joining me on the Magnum, the funny Dom returns. Lots of people are interested in DS sex and relationships as portrayed in
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
baby girl we get the calls to prove it and this week the funny dom is here to help me answer one of them that's on the magnum which you can subscribe to at savage.love but there's tons of great stuff a packed show for our micro listeners too and that show both shows start now this episode is brought to you by helix sleep the very best mattress designed with your comfort in mind right now get 25 off site wide plus two free dream pillows with a mattress purchase go to helix sleep.com savage
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
This episode is sponsored by HIMSS. Affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at HIMSS.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
I guess we're going to plow through a few Feast of the Ass calls right here at the top of the show one week before Feast of the Ass next Tuesday, January 14th. A Feast of the Ass greeting. We didn't come up with that because I didn't think we needed to. This is America. Everything is happy. Happy New Year. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy St. Patrick's Day. Happy Pride. Happy Fourth of July.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Happy Memorial Day, weirdly. Happy Labor Day. Happy Halloween. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy everything except Christmas. Here it's Merry Christmas. In the UK, it's happy Christmas. So I just don't want to buck the trend because I want to incorporate feast of the ass seamlessly into that parade of holidays America has embraced, that Americans have embraced. I want Americans to feast on the ass.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
All three there for posting spoilers to their social media. No one will mourn them. This is your spoiler alert. If you want to see these three films absolutely cold, if you know nothing about them and want to keep it that way, jump ahead to the first call. Ready? Three, two, one, here we go.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
So it should be, I think, my vote is for happy feast of the ass. Just like happy Halloween, happy Thanksgiving, happy everything else around here. All right, another piece of the ass question coming up.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
I grew up in the Midwest. I am familiar with all the different iterations of Bundt cake that are possible. So I am familiar with, I have encountered the Tunnel of Fudge Bundt cake. We do not want the Tunnel of Fudge to be the Bundt cake, official or otherwise, not even... A bonus Bundt cake somebody brought to the Feast of the Ass buffet for Feast of the Ass.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
For obvious reasons, only someone who has not feasted or not feasted regularly or doesn't get what the connotation of fudge when you're talking about ass stuff is. Fudge Packers, Tunnel of Fudge, the Hershey High. No, you don't want to invoke fudge. Something that's full of fudge. No, no, no, no. Nobody who encounters fudge when they're feasting on the ass or doing any other butt stuff.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Have you ever done any butt stuff? Is delighted by that. Well, I shouldn't say no one. 99.999% of everyone wants no hint of fudge. Anything fudge-like when they're feasting or fucking the ass or toying the ass or pegging the ass or anything else. People who do butt stuff go to such great lengths to eliminate all possibilities of fudge.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
So no, I reject categorically the suggestion that the tunnel of fudge cake be embraced as the official feast of the ass thing. Bundt cake, the orange bourbon glazed Bundt cake from sissycakes.com, our unofficial Bundt cake feast to the sponsor. I don't know if they know yet. I wonder how they're going to take it when they find out. I endorse that because a good clean, but. has a citrusy quality.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
It doesn't. If you're doing it right, for 99.999999% of people, there is the .0001%. It's all about the fudge, but we don't want to think about them on the Feast of the Ass, or they can have their own Feast of the Ass.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Wicked, the new film version of Stephen Schwartz's 2003 musical adaptation of Gregory Maguire's 1995 novel, which is itself a retelling of the 1900 novel by L. Frank Baum and the 1939 film of that novel, Wizard of Oz, From the perspective of the Wicked Witch of the West, loved it. The book, Wicked, the book, has some very dirty sex scenes. The musical and the film do not.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
thing and it's not ass those people want to feast on necessarily it's ass they have to go through to get to the thing they want to be said and i don't want to think about that on feast of the ass and neither should you so no nope nope nope nope nope tunnel of fudge no not the official feast of the ass bun cake not on my watch
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
If there's something wrong with your carburetor, whatever a carburetor is, I don't know, you take your car to a mechanic. That's what most guys would do. You get professional help fixing your car. If there's something up with your dick, if there's something wrong with your dick, you might need to get some professional help with that too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Men, you should think the exact same way about ED as you do about car trouble. Seek help. Thankfully, through HIMSS, you can get access to help to personalize ED treatments without stepping outside your door. HIMSS is changing men's health care by providing you with access to affordable sexual health treatments from the comfort, safety, and privacy of your own couch.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
If prescribed, your medication ships directly to your home for free. No insurance is needed. One low price covers everything from treatments to ongoing care. And again, shipping is free. With hundreds of thousands of subscribers who trust HIMSS, HIMSS can also help you find the ED options that work. Start your free online visit today at hymns.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
That's H-I-M-S dot com slash savage for your personalized ED treatment options. Let them know the Lovecast sent you hymns.com slash savage. The products mentioned are chewable compounded products which are not approved by or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if appropriate. Restrictions apply.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plan.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
All right, I just said in my last response that ass that's clean and ready to eat and good to go ain't a tunnel of fudge. It can have a citrusy tang. And yet, I don't want to suggest I need to walk that back. That is true. People who practice good personal hygiene... and they're freshly showered, and they've used a nice soap or citrusy shampoo. Their butts taste amazing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Their butts also have a unique taste. It tastes like that person in a kind of unique and distinctive way, but it doesn't taste like shit, and it doesn't smell like shit, and it shouldn't taste like shit. I have never tasted shit. And so this is like me talking about cunnilingus now. This is book learning. I have read because I have had to, not because I wanted to.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
Some things written by, about, for people into coprophilia, people who are into feces. And one of the things that I've seen said is that Certain people, certain feces, based on their diet, depending on their diet, can have a slightly sweet taste. So my suggestion to you might be, if there is this occasional sweetness, as opposed to this is how you're
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
lovers, but tastes that maybe you're going deep and you weren't fully cleaned out. You may be encountering some tiny bits. of flavorful fecal matter, I am sorry to report. Or maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe you just had a lot of red vines at the movies last night, and it's just coming through your pores as like sweet sweat that's not usually there in your butt crack. Let's hope it's that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
What the film shows us, what it captures, what I found really kind of interesting, is that special time in the lives of theater kids when they first pair off. When the theater kids all get to have their first romantic moment. But not sexual relationships.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 949
But it could be that you are, well, not encountering a ton of vines, but you are encountering some... Remnants, slight, small, microscopic, hard to see things. Not getting all over your face, but your taste buds are nailing it. It is when it comes to human sexuality and eating ass and slightly occupational hazard.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I think that I know more than anyone on this entire planet that having the right therapist to talk to can make a life-changing difference. That's why I think Alma is so cool. Alma connects you with real therapists who understand your unique experience. You can use their directory to search for someone who specializes in the areas that matter most to you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Yeah. And there's a whole thing about that, that we just need to, when people say something that feels hurtful or that feels inappropriate or use a word that is. And look, I'm not talking about the big words like there are words that you can say that mean you're just dead to me forever and it's over. But I'm talking about the whole nuance of the rest of it. Right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Yeah. And I think there's like this way of some people feel that there's a get out of jail free card that you can say these things that are in this gray bubble. But if you add, I was joking afterwards, it's somehow should be a get out of jail free card. So I just want to be clear that. You can think that. You can say that. You can keep saying, I was just joking.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things, and today we have one of our favorite shows for you, which is when we avoid our own problems by trying to solve yours. Yay! This is my comfort zone. What a relief. I know, right? Isn't this great? Okay, so let's just jump in. Let's just hear from these loves. Let's start with Jessi.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
But what I want you to know is that everyone else in the room, that doesn't change what you just said. And it doesn't have to do with whether what you said is funny to you or somebody else. What happens in the aftermath is that you have revealed something about yourself that now everybody else cannot unknow. And it doesn't have to be that you're an evil person.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It just is that you have not done any sort of deep thinking about what you just said. And it reveals something about you to everybody. And it's not, nobody's asking themselves, is he funny or not? Everybody's just saying, wowza.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I didn't know that about him. I didn't know that he thought about that issue so little. I didn't know that he was the type of person who would think, punching down in any way would be funny. It is an illumination of who you are on the inside, the words that come out of your mouth.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And so that is very, when you have a partner, like I imagine Jesse could be in this, that is constantly illuminating something about himself in front of other people, it can be humiliating to the partner because by association, it feels like it's illuminating something about Jesse, which is that she's partnered with this person
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
what's the quality under it? Like what if the 10%, but that we can't ever figure out why am I triggered right now when I wasn't last week? It could be that there's like an energy of vibration in the exact same words that suddenly feel critical, which makes me think about humor in general. Humor, the word comes from humble, right? Really?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Humor is a place where people go to indifferent with different intentions. One of the reasons I love Tig Notaro, who's of course one of our dear friends, is that if you watch, I don't think there's anybody funnier than Tig and her standups. And if you watch her standups from beginning to end, there is never a punchdown.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Not a single one of her jokes takes a victim, except every once in a while when it's her. Herself, yeah. Which she doesn't even do that in a punishing way. And so it's this very high level of humor
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
that now we all know we can watch another comedian is that humor yes it's humor humor and it's such a different quality it's biting it's not humble there's kind of like a nastiness in it that makes us laugh in a way that doesn't feel quite as good as you do laughing with Tig Notaro.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Okay. So Rachel just asked the question that I might swirl around the most. I think this is so fascinating and being a person who is in this world that thinks of themselves as an artist and a writer and has a million writer artist friends and I have had so many fascinating conversations about this. And I feel like I could talk about it a million different ways on a million different days.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
But I'd like to address the specific thing that Rachel talks about, which is, is the anxiety fueling the art in a way that when peace comes, the art suffers? When the artist stops suffering as much, does the art suffer? And does the artist need to suffer to create good art? And why do people who naturally suffer become artists or vice versa? It's just like she said, the chicken and an egg thing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Okay. I'm going to say one thing and then argue with myself on the other side. I sometimes feel like, yes, it does feel like artists have more dramatic highs and lows, whatever you call anxiety and depression. We also know more about artists. Like, In our particular culture, people who make movies and TV shows and books and all of these things are just more visible, discussed more.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
They're the people we've decided should have spotlights on them, which I think is arbitrary and weird. Like I sometimes think, why don't teachers and doctors, why don't we have the magazines full of them? But okay, since we know more about them and since they reveal their insides as their profession, we see their insides, okay?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It's possible that if you sit down and ask a hundred doctors and teachers to pour their insides out, we would see more anxiety, depression, complexity, but that's not their job. They have to actually do stuff. So they can't just walk around emotionally and spiritually bleeding like artists do on a regular basis. So there's that. I also think that there are people in cultures,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
since the beginning of time, who for whatever reason, nature, nurture, spiritual reasons, trauma, whatever, become visionaries for the group, for the culture, okay? And this is just, it's studyable. It's the medicine man. This is since the beginning of time. Every culture has people who their job is to be a little weird and, you know, stand on the bow of the Titanic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And while everyone else is keeping things moving, say, I think I see an iceberg, iceberg, iceberg. And everybody else is like, all right, she's screaming about an iceberg. Do we think this one is real? You know, these are the prophets in the desert screaming to the people. Okay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
The person who is that person, who we would call an artist, whether a highly sensitive person, whether they're in a family or in a culture, in a neighborhood, the reason they are that is because they have this weird internal vision of how things could be. All right, so they see what's on the outside of the world, what's visible, the order of things.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
But they have this internal vision of how it could be, how it should be, a more beautiful version of whatever they're looking at, their family, their marriage, their community, their world. They carry around with them this internal longing, this vision. There is a gap between
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
between what they see every day outside of them and the vision, the internal vision, a huge gap between what is and what they know could be. And that gap is the anxiety and the depression. The stronger the internal vision, the more dramatic and hard the gap is between.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Imagine if you were looking at a situation and every part of your being knew that person would hurt less, that community would be better off if everybody just... And you had this heaviness that was a knowing. The bigger the vision, the bigger the gap. I think that That is an oversimplified way of presenting it, but it's part of the beauty of being an artist.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And the burden of being an artist is carrying a vision that you can't necessarily get everybody on board with unless you struggle in the dark. to pull the vision out of your body and somehow put it into words that other people can see and act upon to bring your idea of heaven to earth. On earth as it is in heaven is how I think of artists.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Like the heaven is the internal beauty, beautiful family, relationship, community, world that I can almost see and touch. And my job is to bring it to the earth in a way that everybody can see it as possible marching orders, which can feel freaking hard and heavy because we can never figure out how to actually put the unseen order into action.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Yeah. And think about the fact that when an artist or, okay, I'll use myself for an example. I could not figure out how to make my primary romantic relationship be even close to as true and beautiful as I believed two people can be together. I'm talking about my first marriage. It was like, whoa, no, my first marriage. Like I, all of my writing was pointing towards that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I can't even look at Love Warrior anymore. I feel heartbroken for both of us, for Craig and me. It was a,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
anxious struggle to be like this isn't it like how do we make it better it was the gap between what was the kind of marriage we had and what I had inside of me as a vision for what a marriage could be between two people the gap was so vast that it was so painful okay and some good art came out of it yes when I met you and we built this life together the gap is not there anymore
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I mean, I've got other gaps, but like the gap, it's not the easiest thing. I mean, we work for it, but there's not a gaping gap anymore. And I stopped writing. Like I didn't, what Rachel is saying is there is a truth in it. When the gap is lessened between what a person like me knows could be, and then they finally get the thing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
there is less of an internal struggle to describe the gap, to point people towards the gap, to be the prophet in the desert of the marriage going, it could, ah, put on your hair shirt. There just is a sort of, ah, that then relates in less struggling art.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Yeah, that's artistry. The gap between existing Boston cream puffs And the truest, most beautiful Boston cream pie she could possibly imagine was insufferable to her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
The gap between the two, the fact that that hadn't been born onto the earth was so insufferable to her that she was willing to spend years making sure that she brought to earth the heavenly cream pie that was being born inside of her. That is artistry. Yes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Exactly. I do worry about that. And I don't have a super great answer. I haven't figured it out completely, but I'll tell you, I've written 50,000 words. I've written a book's worth of essays in about that time and I will probably never publish them. There's an energy that I'm not interested in exploring publicly right now. There's something about that sort of suffering.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
whether that's anxiety, relationships, or anything else. And what stands out to me about Alma is that 97% of people seeing a therapist through Alma say their therapist made them feel seen and heard. You know, I love that. That level of connection isn't something you can get from scrolling through online advice or following social media.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It was all real and it's all part of the journey I've been on to be freer. But at the moment, I'm not interested in dragging people back into that energy. I think it's a place I can get stuck. And I think it's too easy for me at this point. It's almost like trauma bonding. It's like trauma bonding or something. I don't know. I can't figure it out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It's just not the truest, most beautiful version of what I think we all need next is what I can say. But I also sometimes think it's not We write and we create for the same reason people who are stressed out, they tell you to breathe deeply. It's like when you focus on your breathing, you can't focus on your spinning mind because you can't focus on both things at the same time, okay?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It's not just that breathing deeply gives you more oxygen, which makes your brain work better. It's not just that. People say stop and focus on your breathing because you literally cannot do both at the same time. You can't spin out and concentrate on your spinning thoughts. and concentrate on your breath.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
So one of the reasons why anxious people create, go to the page, go to the paintbrush, go to the... is because you cannot be anxious and creative simultaneously. It's a coping mechanism. It's a coping mechanism. It's not just that we're like, oh, if we're anxious... They're directly...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
antithesis of each other so it's almost like the anxiety is a causal connection with the art as opposed to the art of the anxiety exactly yeah so maybe we create for the same reason we go for a walk or we in some ways it's very lucky to have that thing because lots of people have these anxious feelings and depressive feelings and don't have an outlet like that I mean we have a kid who
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
We really didn't know which way it was going to go in terms of their sensitivity and their spinning out and their existential, you know, and they found art and a lot changed. Their beingness changed because they had an outlet. They had a go-to thing. So there's that. I mean, I do wonder if I write again when I write again, which I will. I don't know. I just want it to be from a different energy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I do want to be as honest as humanly possible as always, but I don't want it to all be from suffering.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Why can't it come from that? That's what I want because I care about what I'm putting out in the world. But also because when you're a person who is writing about suffering, then that's all you're thinking about and that's all you're looking for. And so, of course, that's what magnifies.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I always think, what if I just wanted to if I had a project where I was like, I am going to look for and write from joy from that well. I wonder if my entire life would change because that's what I would be looking for. That's what you seek, you find. You know, if I'm a photographer and my book is about suffering, then that's what I'm living in.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
If I'm a photographer and my book is about hummingbirds and flowers. Anyway, do you know what I'm saying? It's just like... It would be an interesting experiment to try next. Okay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
We can do easy things. Yes. We can do beautiful things. We can do joyful things.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And one last thing I want to say, because this is completely related. I, in terms of intention and writing and creativity, all of you listening know that I have been on a journey of thinking about social media and what it's for and how it affects artists and how it affects all of our human brains. And I have removed myself personally from social media.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
We still have a presence there where we put out what we think you'll want to see and what will be important to you. But I... don't feel like I can be my most creative, honest self there, or that I even should be, or that that's what it's for. And I don't honestly love the idea of hosting a loving party there anymore. Meaning I don't love the idea of even having you there with me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I just, I want a truer, more beautiful place for us. But I do miss writing to you. I do miss being in touch with you. I have felt it so much more recently with the fires in LA and wanting our community and wanting to be talking to you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And so anyway, all of this is to say, I am going to ask you if you are interested in hearing from me directly, hearing from Abby directly, hearing from sister directly, hearing what we have to say about our work or about our days to consider giving us your email address, because I think I'm going to start a newsletter that I, and we write directly to you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I don't know how I'm not going to, I don't know how often, but I just know that there are Actually, there's a big project going on that I want to tell you about that I know you're going to be excited about.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It's big. It's going to be something that you all are going to want to be a part of and that we've had you in mind for every step of this, which we've been working on something for the last two years. Anyway, give me your email addresses. Okay. You know that I will never... sell your email addresses. Okay. I don't know how to do that if I could, but I will not. And she won't even let me sell them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
So I will protect your email addresses with my little life. Okay. But I just want to be able to reach you about some things that are important coming up that I don't want you to miss. And then I also just want to be able to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
pour out my heart somewhere sometimes when in a way that doesn't have a freaking evil algorithm attached to it and isn't jacking up your nervous systems while we all work together to get some peace and agency back in our lives. So Can you tell me, sister, how to tell them to give them my email addresses?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Without giving away too much, just listen to me, please. When I tell you that there's going to be a time very soon where we're going to send important stuff out on that email. And the thing that we're doing is going to be filled up really fast. And then you're going to be upset and you're going to write to me and say, and I just know this for many, so many times this has happened. Just trust me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I can't tell you why, but just please sign up, get your email address there, and then you'll find out the information and then you'll be able to make all of your choices before it's too late. Okay. I love you. Thanks for listening. I feel so delighted. And now we go back to our actual life and our actual problems. Thank you for allowing us. We love you. We'll see you next time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us if you'd be willing to take 30 seconds to do these three things. First, can you please follow or subscribe to We Can Do Hard Things? Following the pod helps you because you'll never miss an episode and it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. To do this, just go to the We Can Do Hard Things show page on Apple Podcasts,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
We Can Do Hard Things is created and hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle in partnership with Odyssey. Our executive producer is Jenna Wise-Berman, and the show is produced by Lauren LaGrasso, Alison Schott, Dina Kleiner, and Bill Schultz.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Yes. I think 100% all of that is so clarifying. I feel confused when someone says, Well, my intent isn't that. That works for me the first time. What I get confused about is if Jesse's partner is making a joke about a particular thing. Let's just use food because you're using that example, but insert whatever your sensitivities are.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And Jesse explains to her husband or her partner that I don't think that's funny. That's hurtful to me. for this reason. And then it continues. To me, the intent argument doesn't work anymore.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It's about finding someone who truly understands your journey. and is dedicated to helping you make progress. Better with people, better with Alma. Visit helloalma.com slash hard things to get started and schedule a free consultation today. That's helloalma.com slash hard things.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Can we stop there? Really? You think we have a dynamic of landing jokes and saying things? That is not at all how I would characterize it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Because I don't actually like teasing. I don't like it. But there's a playfulness to light loving teasing that I don't want to eliminate completely because it feels like part of the healthy-ish carbonation of a relationship. So I don't want to squash it completely. But I'll say specifically, for example,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
90% of the time, jokes about teasing about, you know, me leaving things, getting lost or leaving or whatever, the airhead-y thing of situational.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Forgetting things, whatever. It's okay and light. And then 10% of the time, Abby will just say something that she could have said last Tuesday the same way. And I'm like, enough. Yeah. Right now, stop. That does not feel loving. And so we can't figure out if it means that the 90% isn't okay either.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It reminds me of, you know how the kiddos these days, like, the millennials and the Gen Zers, whenever they text something, they will be like, this is an example. Mom, I'm scared. LOL. Can you pick up my backpack? LOL. It's like, if anything's too sincere, there has to be an LOL after it. I don't exactly understand, but it's just a disclaimer of maybe this is too vulnerable.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Maybe I don't mean this. It's not funny. Nothing they said was funny. Our producer just texted, I do this, LOL. Like, I don't understand it. Okay, maybe it's their equivalent of Gen X is how we put smiley faces and exclamation points after things.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It's like their disclaimer of sincerity. And I do think that I was just joking can be a disclaimer of sincerity. Like people who don't know how to communicate things like actually, It makes my life harder that you lose things every day. I actually would prefer not to follow you around the house wondering if your coffee is in the dryer. It was one time, just to be clear.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
How? How did my coffee mug with coffee in it end up in the clothes dryer? We will never know. I can't tell you because I don't know if we're in a 10% area. It's part of my charm. I need a t-shirt that says it's part of my charm. Anyway, the point being, maybe Jesse's partner is trying to communicate something, but just constantly putting LOL after it. Because here's the thing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It reminds me of the Forrest Gump, like love is as love does. Just to me, words are communicating something that can be loving, can be hurtful. Okay. Just like our bodies can hit each other or hug each other. So if you think of something that words I'm saying can either be a hug or a hit. You don't get to hit somebody in the face. And then when they say, ow, you say, but that was just a joke.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
That was a hug. That was a hug. You misinterpreted it as a hit. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't know how to put it into words, but to constantly say things that are hurtful and then say, you don't get to be sad about that because I'm saying these magic words that are, it was just a joke. No, it wasn't. It's not funny. It might be funny to you in your head by yourself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
So the next time you want to say that thing, you should go by yourself into a closet and And say it because it's funny to you, but not to the partner you keep sharing it with.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And then I did want to say one more thing about this question because there is a way of reading this question that is that Jesse is struggling with a way that her partner is teasing her, making jokes about her. But there's another way to interpret this question that what if Jesse's partner is making jokes that are universal or a wider that hurt other people? Do you know what I'm saying?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You're listening to the micro version of the Savage Lovecast at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
impossible to fully extricate yourself from this relationship. Legally, family doesn't have a duty to warn people who are about to marry in. Morally, there are cases when a family does have a duty to warn. I think this is one of those cases. Again, not telling you what to do, but in your shoes, I would say something to her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Camille Paglia does not care what makes your dick hard. And you can't really help what makes your dick hard. And yeah, cowboys. Their ties to manifest destiny and their active participation often in... genocide of Native America. Like, yeah, yeah, it's terribly problematic. But you know what the thing is about fetishes and kinks and being into certain types, uniforms?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Nobody dresses up like the good guys. Nobody dresses up like motherfucking Teresa's nuns. Nobody dresses up like Republicans in the Spanish Civil War. People dress up and are turned on by fearsome figures that loom large in our imaginations and then for some,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
The new high reported earlier this summer. The new high in the number of people living on the streets in New York City. So about this shocked and aghast local, he wasn't so shocked, he wasn't so aghast that he was paralyzed. He was able to pull out his cell phone and start recording a video from his window.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
cross through that barrier and wind up blooming large in our erotic imaginations and there's literally nothing you can do about it you could feel bad about it sounds like you felt bad about it probably for decades and where has it gotten you Cowboys aren't making your dick any less hard at 64 than cowboys were at 54 or 34, 24 or 14. You have to live with your kinks and live with your fetishes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And what makes you a good or bad person or academic or East Coast pointy-headed liberal is how you express them, how you share them. And there are ways to live out your worst experiences. Sexual kinks, fetishes, to fetishize the worst people without making more terrible people and without being the worst person.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Find other people who share your kink and consensually indulge with them, whatever that looks like. And remember...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
kink role play it's just theater and nobody has a problem when you go to a movie and there's hannibal lecter carving people up and people watch that movie and experience fear and release and yeah and that's fine you had a boner and people are like oh i'm a terrible person no you're not a terrible person you just like your desire for this kind of cathartic role play is
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
is tied up with your erotic imagination. And it's, I'm sorry, you listen to this show, presumably you called me. This is so common, right?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
On feminist, strong, powerful women who want to have their hair pulled and their asses slapped and be called sluts during sex by someone who respects them, that they chose and empowered to treat them like that for a set period of time are no less feminist, maybe are more feminist because they're doing what it is that they want to do with who they want to do that shit with than someone who's a feminist who doesn't have that kind of fantasy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
It's just a cliche that people are attracted to the symbolism and power and threat in certain archetypes that are negatively correlated with terrible world events. You don't think skinheads have negative connotations? The reason anti-racist skinheads have to identify themselves as anti-racist skinheads is because the assumption is a skinhead is a racist.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So yeah, the alts you tossed out there, the alternatives you tossed out there to your problematic cowboy fetish, if you thought about them as deeply as you've thought about your cowboy fetish that isn't going anywhere, you would recognize that there are problems with them too. And so stop if this call was for real, like maybe this was JD Vance pranking me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Stop putting yourself through the, you're 64 fucking years old. The stuff that turns you on is going to keep turning you on until you fucking die. There is nothing that you can do about this. You have to recognize when it comes to kink, fantasy, role play, sexual archetypes that just fucking turn you on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You have to recognize what you can realize in real life, consensually in a way that makes you feel good about yourself, makes the person that you're with feel good about them, feel good about your connection around this shared kink and the kinks that can never be realized because they're impossible because it's a centaur you want to sleep with or a minor.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
There are unrealizable kinks for moral and ethical reasons. Cowboys are not one of them. There are, yeah, some kinks that make other people feel uncomfortable perhaps because they're archetype you're attracted to is somebody associated with world historical traumatic crimes and that's not a coincidence. It's not a coincidence.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Three videos, in fact, that he sent to the New York Post, which published them on their website. Now, I'm not a lawyer, but what this guy did, who I'm guessing actually isn't a local, not a born and bred New Yorker, I'm guessing what he did... violates New York's revenge porn law, which prohibits the distribution of intimate images without the consent of the people in them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Terrifying, terrible figures that loom large in world history or in current events have a way of imprinting themselves on our erotic imaginations because we are drawn to them and repelled by them in sort of equal measure and that line between arousal and disgust is isn't just about eating ass. It's also about getting down on your knees and sucking cowboy cock.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And you can sell exclusive content on your site by adding a paywall to sell memberships or courses or sell files your customers can download like PDFs, music or ebooks. This would be cripplingly difficult for my band to set up on our own. So we're very glad to use Squarespace's tools. It's just so easy and it works perfectly. Head on over to squarespace.com for a free trial.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Partialism is a sexual interest or obsession with a particular part of the body. Being really into boobs, being really into tits, that is a partialism in the same way that a foot fetish is a partialism, but it's kind of a majoritarian partialism. Most men are into, most straight men are into nice tits.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So the guys who are into nice tits, that common sexual interest, desire, that partialism, they don't feel freakish or weird because it's so widely shared. A thing for feet is a kind of very common partialism. Foot fetishes are a very common partialism, but guys who are into feet feel weird because most guys aren't.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So we recognize it as a paraphilia or an obsession in a way we don't, or a freakish obsession, freakish paraphilia, in the way we don't recognize a thing for nice tits as kind of a fetish. Also a kind of partialism. That wasn't your question. I just always think that's really interesting. But your question is like, are there women out there with foot fetishes?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Well, most people who experience partialism, where there's just a certain body part that they are obsessed with in this way, are men. Which is not to say that there aren't women out there. Glamour UK had a big article where they went and found a few women who have foot fetishes. But it's really uncommon.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Now, people fucking in public don't have a reasonable expectation of privacy, a legal standard that allows news organizations and individuals to take pictures of people in public. But it would be an interesting test case. Revenge porn statutes punish people who distribute sexual images with the intent to do harm. They want to get their ex fired or ruin their ex's relationship with their parents.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
It does seem to be something about male sexuality, the male brain, the male capacity, the male brain's capacity. And you know, making generalizations here, about 4 billion people, 4 billion people, there'll be hundreds of millions of exceptions. But the way the male brain, its capacity for abstract thought, abstract associations, is
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
and I am way out on a limb here, and this shit is way above my pay grade, but it just is a common and observable fact that most people with paraphilias, most people with these kinds of kinks are male people. And sometimes I have conversations with female fetishists who have told me that they think it's all about socialization. Men are encouraged to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
ask for what they want, demand what they want, and being encouraged to ask for what you want or demand what you want can help you realize or articulate what it is that you want.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But what you often see is this difference between male and female sexuality where men are kind of males, sign male at birth persons, hyper aware of their kinks and fetishes at a very early age, and women sort of grow into their sense of their kinks. in their late twenties and thirties.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
It's why 50 shades of gray was a phenomenon, not among 18 year old women who just got to college, but among 40 year old women whose kid just went to college. Is that socialization? Is there something natural about that? Well, we can point to the slut shaming.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
We can point to the way women are socialized to defer to men, which can really bury a person's sense of their own agency and what their desires, their actual authentic desires at their core, what they want might be. I often point to sexual peak like a,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
15-year-old boy is masturbating 10 times a day in a way that a 15-year-old girl, even one who is masturbating, isn't masturbating at that furious clip. There's that peak, a male, cliche male, hits. And that sexual peak, women seem to hit their sexual peak later in life. And I think
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
My pull-from-my-ass theory is there's something about going through that sexual peak that can bring into focus what your kinks are, what your non-normative sexual interests might be. And so males often arrive at all their partner sex, all their relationships with this awareness of what their kinks are, because they were aware of them before they had partner sex, whereas women grow into them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
They hit their sexual peak, all of these things come into focus. And that can be a problem for women in long-term relationships where they went and found the one guy in the pile of guys who doesn't have a foot fetish, doesn't have any weird paraphilias, didn't ask for anything or ask you to be GGG about anything weird. Not, I'm not talking about gross or traumatic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I'm just talking about you didn't see that coming and yeah. And then you partner with somebody with no kinks and when your kinks kick in at 40 and
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You will regret not having had a kinky partner that whole time whose kinks you were indulging and enjoying indulging because you enjoyed giving your partner pleasure who now that you're 35 years old and suddenly interested in S&M or whatever else now they owe you. So anyway, short answer, are there women foot fetishists out there?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Yes, there are, but they are far fewer in number than male fetishists for all sorts of reasons that we can theorize about, but we can't quite understand fully. This episode is sponsored by Talkspace. Whenever I advise people to get therapy, whenever I say to somebody, go get therapy, I often hear the same two excuses. It's too time-consuming or it's too expensive.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And this guy, Mr. Aghast, he sicked the New York Post on this pair. He wanted the police to do something. And the police aren't exactly a benign presence in the lives of homeless people. They could have been harmed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Joining me to help tackle this question, AJ Berlin, who has lived in Berlin for eight years, been going to Folsom Berlin for many of those years, a kink educator, teaches BDSM workshops across Europe, and is a gay man or was more gay with pan sprinkles now. AJ, welcome to the Savage Lovecast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Back to the post, locals, they went and found some more of them, locals bemoaned the daylight debauchery as a symptom of the area's decay, particularly given how close it is, where those two people were fucking, how close it is to the waterfront pathway, which is regularly used by bikers and joggers, as well as families out for a stroll. I watched the videos.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So Folsom Berlin, when she asks if I'm aware of any, you know, big leather fetish events that aren't geared exclusively toward gay men, I want to say, yeah, Folsom SF. But Folsom Berlin ain't Folsom SF, is it?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
However, there are... Wait, they're by queer people for queer people or by gay men for gay men, many of the events?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But she says she's tried to look around at the events attached to Folsom Berlin, and a lot of them are for men only. Are they not?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And that's okay, right? Gay men are allowed to have some events that are for gay men?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
That said, in Berlin, there are a lot more events and fetish parties that are a lot more inclusive and welcoming. And when we talk about the events attached to Folsom Berlin, we mean the parties a lot. And I go to Folsom Berlin. I've been a bunch of times. I've never been to the parties, but the street festival, which is what a lot of people go for. I see lots of women at the street festival.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I do think that's fucked up, particularly on the trans people angle. I've been to some of the sex clubs in Berlin. I was with Qualgeist recently and it was a men's night and there were some trans men there and nobody had a problem with it and it was totally fine.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So that's obviously like... Prinzkenest is a very famous gay bar on Fugastrasse, which is where Folsom Berlin, the street festival where everybody's welcome, takes place. I noticed last time I was there, they used to have a sign saying, over Prince Connect that said men only, and that would be enforced after 10 p.m., and now it says men's bar.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
It's gone from a dictate to a suggestion, and maybe there's some progress there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
They're behind a barricade under a freeway. Anyone walking down the path would not be able to see them. Only someone peering down from the window of an apartment above could see them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But to the caller's question, she and her male heteroflexible sub would be perfectly welcome and feel comfortable at the street fair, especially if they're in some gear. If you show up looking like American tourists who wandered in off Kerfurstendamm, you're going to get some looks. But if you show up in gear… looking like you're a kinkster too. You're just straight or pan or by kinksters.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I try not to hate. Really I do. But every once in a while, I hate so hard. And I think the people I may hate most, the people I hate hardest, are the people out there who tell the New York Post how outraged and disgusted they are. It's always sex they're outraged and disgusted by, which, of course, none of the vestal virgins who own, edit, write for, or read the New York Post has ever had.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You're not going to get grief from gay men. The gay men at the street fair are happy to see you there. Maybe not the gay man managing one of the bars off the street, but the people at the festival are happy to see you. And we'll be welcome.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And if they want to go to an event or a party, are there any events and parties, kink spaces, queer spaces that are more inclusive than the men only parties she stumbled over looking around on the internet?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Anyone walking by who managed to maybe hear them over the roar of the traffic on the FDR above them and then decided to climb over the barricade to check out where that wet slapping sound was coming from would only have themselves to blame for what they saw. Look, we're in the middle of a housing crisis that is helping to drive the homelessness crisis.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I only go for the cocktails. I'm just there for the food. Of course, of course.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So there are a lot of options for her. She didn't have much luck looking around on her own on the internet. You've tossed out a lot of names of a lot of places that she could go with her partner and feel welcome. And again, I want to emphasize welcome at the street party. Welcome at the street party. I do want to drill down for just a second though. Like you talked about Flinter.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I know it's not an apples to orange comparison because there are very few venues that are welcoming of everybody compared to the many places that are men only. But... you know, if it's a sex space and things sometimes happen in sex spaces when it's all men that probably wouldn't work in a mixed space. I'm thinking of a dark room where by entering the dark room, you've consented to being groped.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And that doesn't like a lot of assigned female at birth persons and women and even some trans men because of the, the trauma that builds up over the course of your life, if you move to the world presenting as a female around unwanted touch or sexual attention, the social norms in a dark room, in a venue that is for men, you're not going to feel comfortable in there most likely.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And so like, is it a good thing that you can't go to that place? Is it a front? Are gay men allowed to have some spaces where we say like, our social norms apply here and these only kind of work in a single sex environment with the caveat that I think trans men belong in those spaces.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Maybe the way out of the impasse here is the men's only thing need to be more special events and one-offs as opposed to the norm or the default setting so that everybody feels welcome most of the time. And every once in a while we step back and go, okay, this is the flinter party and me and my dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
We talked about it on our last Sex and Politics with California State Senator Scott Weiner. It's been great as a Yimby to see Democrats at the top of the ticket, Kamala Harris, and Democrats who topped previous winning tickets like Barack Obama get on the Yimby bandwagon. Here is Obama at the DNC. In his speech, endorsing the construction of new housing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
We're going to ruin the vibe and I'm going to like let the flinter crowd have their party and not make it about me and my butthurtness. And like, there's going to be some parties in certain kinds of bars or events or dark rooms where like it's for primarily cis guys and trans guys who, who want to be a part of that kind of gay male energy, which is an exclusive to cis gay men.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But the kinds of like, I've talked to trans guys, guys I know just came out really recently and were a little taken aback by what the norms were in a space like that in Europe. And so, yeah, maybe take some time to acclimate, get you some spaces. All right. We got to go. AJ Berlin, thank you so much for jumping on the phone.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I have to say, I asked you for your social media so I could direct people to your social media. You don't have social media.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Such awe and admiration. No social media to find AJ Berlin's workshops. You're going to have to look for him across Europe. He's a kink educator, lived in Berlin for eight years. AJ, thank you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Agnes Callard is a philosopher, and Ezra Klein had her on his show, The Ezra Klein Show, and they had the most amazing conversation. I recommend everybody go and listen to this conversation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But what's relevant to you in your particular situation about their conversation is Agnes Callard has these theories about jealousy, and they spend some time really drawing a line, making distinctions between good jealousy and bad jealousy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And we don't often think about the possibility that some jealousy can be good or allow for the power of jealousy to shape our lives or our romantic lives in a positive way. Jealousy is always framed as a negative emotion. And because it's always framed as a negative emotion, when we're feeling it, we experience it as a negative emotion.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
There are times, there are places in our lives where jealousy, if properly understood, viewed from the right angle, if we let go of how we're trained to understand it or frame it whenever we experience it, we can recognize what's positive about it, erotic about it, arousing about it. So here you are. You have an ethically non-monogamous relationship. You have an open relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Your husband has a connection with this woman and It's often the case when men and women, an opposite sex relationship, they go, become ethically non-monogamous, it's harder for the guy often to find other partners because women, because men are testosterone-soaked dick monsters, need a bit more of an investment emotionally to be safe fucking around with somebody.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So your husband has had to forge a little bit stronger of an emotional connection with this particular woman then you might have to with any of the guys you fucked up with because guys are pigs and in less danger in an opposite sex sexual encounter. And so there's this connection here. There's this buzz here and that makes you feel threatened, but it also makes you feel aroused. You're turned on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You say you want to get to a point where when he's with her, you're not anxious for him to get home so you can not just be reassured that he is indeed coming home, but so that you can reclaim him sexually. And like, damn, that's hot. Why would you want... I mean, you want to contain that. You want it to be good jealousy. You want it to be in harness safely to serve the relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But why would you want to... eradicate that feeling. I think you should luxuriate in that feeling and also in the affirmation that he's coming home because he keeps coming back to you. A lot of people in open relationships will talk about the best sex they have with their partners that they're in long-term relationships with is often in the wake of sex they've had with other people.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
That reclamation sex, taking each other back sex can be incredibly hot. And it sounds like it's been incredibly hot for you. So my advice, go listen to the Agnes Callard interview on The Ezra Klein Show. Think about whether this is good jealousy. Are you able to express it to your partner in a constructive way?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
When it flows out of you, when you say, I'm jealous, are you lashing out or are you asking for what you need? Like, oh, I feel jealous and insecure. I need you to fuck the shit out of me right now. And then if he does, take the win and don't be in too great a hurry. To wind this emotion down, or euthanize it somehow, let it serve you. Time for listener feedback.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
First up, I'm going to read some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Says Spruce, to the caller with anxiety about performance and multiple orgasms, I am not a healthcare provider, but I have clinically diagnosed OCD, and this sounds an awful lot like my own obsessive ruminations about sex and relationships, particularly those intrusive thoughts sparked by listening to the Savage Lovecast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Therapy and medication have helped me a great deal in reducing those thoughts and dealing with them when they come up. Thank you, Spruce, for continuing to listen to the show even after the show sparked intrusive thoughts that required therapy and medication. We appreciate you continuing to listen. Couldn't agree with you more, Muriel.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And finally, says MarshLC, about the woman with masturbation shame. Dan talks a lot and often about how shame and transgression are sexy. And I believe that is true for a lot of people, but it's not universal. And I don't know if Dan understands that. Maybe it's because I am somewhat prone to anxiety, but the only thing transgression makes me feel is bad. Stolen apples are not sweeter.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
For me and people like me, embracing the shame is not the answer. Instead, the answer is accepting myself, loving myself, and trusting myself. Loving yourself, accepting yourself. You can't embrace shame in the way that I'm talking about when I talk about it on the show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You can't enjoy your kinks that may be rooted in having been shamed or feeling shame if you haven't learned to love and accept yourself, including the part of yourself that's kinky. Loving the unintentional gifts shame sometimes leaves us with, not all of us, just some of us, such as an amazing kink or two, is the trick that I am attempting to describe. But it involves a kind of neutralized shame.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Once you've neutralized it by loving and accepting yourself, you're left with the pleasure and joy and connection that a kink you share with someone that you get to share it with can create. Maybe it's not so much about embracing shame as it is about defeating shame. Then taking from shame what it tried to steal from you, pleasure and self-acceptance. All right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Ugh, music to my ears. Yeah, we need to build millions of units of new housing, which will require cutting through forests of red tape and undoing exclusionary zoning, also known as single-family zoning, locked in place decades ago to keep the poors and non-whites... out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
There are always some comments that I see in the threads that are too long for me to share here. Pentatonic this week left a great comment also addressed to the woman who's experiencing shame. It's in the thread under last week's show, and I would encourage everyone to go read it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session, where I usually respond to listener and reader comments, doing something different for the rest of the summer, posting a brief response or two before sharing a letter, a letter too long for the column and letting the commenters try their hand at giving some advice.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
People are having fun with it and giving some really great advice to my letter writers who write letters that are way too long for the column. Check out the last two struggle sessions at savage.love, not behind a paywall for now, and watch for a new struggle session where everybody gets to dive in and give some advice to one of my readers this Thursday.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
All right, now everyone's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my mouth and my listeners get the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But undoing the housing crisis we've created for ourselves here, building those millions of new units, which need to include SROs, single room occupancy hotels, bottom rung housing, that is going to take time. That is going to take decades. And in the meantime... People are going to keep fucking. Housed people. They're likely to fuck inside their houses, but not always.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your juicy questions and your insightful comments for future shows. You can record your question at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love. Or you can call us on our landline and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
My Dirty Little Film Festival, my short porn film festival, Hump, kicks off next week. Hump 2024 Part 2 will be screening 25 brand new Hump films, amazing short porn films, erotica, humor, sexy, sexy sex. Come into theaters in Portland, Oakland, and Sacramento, Washington, D.C. all in the next couple of weeks. Kicking off this weekend in Portland. All films at Hump are under five minutes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Some are serious. Many are hilarious. All are hot. Get your tickets now for a live screening of Hump. Hump as it was meant to be seen in the theaters at humpfilmfest.com. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow Don Martin on Instagram, threads, TikTok, and all other social media platforms at Head on Fire Pod.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
For all things Don, including his books, go to his website bydonmartin.com. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at Risk Youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week on the installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Most of the guys fucking around in the rambles in Central Park have apartments nearby. Most of the guys who have sex in the park near my house, Seattle's Volunteer Park, so named for the men who show up there after dark every night and volunteer to give blowjobs, most of them left their houses to go fuck in the park. Homeless people are unhoused neighbors.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
They're going to fuck too, but they don't have the option of fucking at home because they don't have one. And in big democratic cities like New York, for decades, the single biggest impediment to building more housing has been the objections of people who already have housing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
The, I got mine and my property values are rising because demand outstrips supply and I'm going to do my best to make sure you don't get yours by blocking all new construction crowd. That's a choice, politicians listening to those people. That is a choice, and it's one that's had consequences.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And one of the things we're choosing by blocking the construction of new housing and urban centers is that we, those of us with windows, are going to look out those windows from time to time and see homeless people doing in public all of the things we have the privilege to do in private, which include eating, sleeping, reading, peeing, and fucking.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Of course, it's not just the housing shortage that created the homeless crisis. Homelessness as a crisis, multi-causal, but the housing shortage is one of the biggest drivers. And I'm hoping that we're finally, finally going to start doing something about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And in the meantime, while we're doing something about it, when we see homeless people in public fucking or living or doing whatever, can we put our phones away and not rat them out to the fucking... Sex-phobe hypocrites at the New York Post.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
All right, quick note of advice for all my kinky gay friends who are going to be coming together at Folsom Berlin and Folsom SF and other big gatherings this fall. The new MPOX train we're all worried about, the deadlier one, has not yet been found in Gay or Bi Men. The important word in that sentence is yet.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
The New York Post, a paper that covers a city that's famously licentious, what do they think people are doing when they're not sleeping in the city that never sleeps? The New York Post has such a problem with sex. Oh, man, I have... long hated the Post for the way it attacks and sometimes outs pro-doms.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
The old strain, which is no picnic but less deadly, still circulating among gay and bi men at low levels. If you haven't been vaccinated yet, get vaccinated as soon as possible, ideally before you climb into that sling at Folsom Berlin or Folsom SF. All right, a quick programming note. Our next Savage Love Live for Magnum subs happening Thursday, September 12th at noon Pacific.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Savage Love Live is a special Zoom show exclusively for our Magnum Lovecast subscribers. Join me and Nancy Thursday, September 12th. We will answer questions live and chat with our subs. If you want to be one of those subs that we chat with, go to savage.love and become a subscriber now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
All right, coming up on today's show on The Micro and The Magnum, a woman wanted to know if she would be welcome at the gay sex bacchanalia that is Folsom Europe. I got on the phone with Berlin-based kink educator AJ Berlin to talk about inclusion at gay fetish events and whether this woman and her male partner, would be welcome at Folsom Berlin.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And joining me on the Magnum today, Don Martin, author, podcaster, TikToker, poet. Interesting thing about Don, in addition to all the books he's written and all the work he does, he's a gay man in a long-term relationship. He's a married gay man, and he and his husband are... Are you sitting down? They are monogamous.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Don is here to take me to task for saying on my show again and again and again that there's no such thing as a long-term monogamous gay couple. He and his husband, a long-term monogamous gay couple. And Don is here to slap me down. All that coming up on today's show. On to your first question. This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Dipsy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Dipsy is an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women. Get an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage. This episode is brought to you by Talkspace, therapy made easy. Get $80 off your first month when you go to talkspace.com slash savage and enter promo code space80.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
This episode of the Lovecast is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website, blog or online store. Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And I'm going to crawl out on a limb here and guess that someone in the C-suite at News Corp, the Murdoch company that owns Post and Fox News and the Wall Street Journal, someone at News Corp has patronized a pro-dom at least once this week in New York City. Anyway, here's the headline from the New York Post this weekend that has me all exercised.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Oh my God, what an excruciating position you find yourself in. Either you betray your brother, who routinely betrays his girlfriend of seven years, or you smile at this woman, welcome her into the family, and then when this all comes out, she's going to feel betrayed by you and the rest of your family who knew that this truck was barreling at her and you didn't Warn her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You didn't give her a heads up. Oh, my God. I don't... I'm having to really think right now really hard about what it is that you should... do you can implore your brother to be honest with himself and his girlfriend and admit that monogamy isn't something he can do that monogamy isn't something he wants but if your brother justifies this shit with uh just a night out with the lads therefore pussy
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
In that context, Strange Pussy doesn't count against me morally or ethically. He's probably the kind of self-centered, serial adulterer, straight piece of shit dude who wants a monogamous relationship, wants his partner to be monogamous to him, couldn't stand the idea of his girlfriend or wife getting with another guy, but wants to give himself...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
permission to go get with other women and then rationalize it with the after the fact bullshit like I was drunk or it was a night out with the lads or somehow this pussy doesn't count, but any dick that wasn't his dick under any circumstances would certainly in his mind count. So what do you do? You have to risk here. estrangement from your family.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
If you're going to do the right thing by this woman that you have known for however long it was after they began dating that your brother introduced you to his girlfriend. So you've known her for six years, seven years, however long you've known her. Oh my God. This is one of those questions where all I can think is what would I do?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I would say to my brother in a circumstance like this, you tell her or I tell her, but she is going to be told before the wedding what she is signing up for. I am not going to stand by silently and be complicit in your betrayal of her and mask or cover for it. Like when family shows up to a wedding and smiles and is a part of the wedding party, there's a little bit of vouching going on there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You're standing up at the wedding for the person From your side who invited you to that wedding. If you're up there on the altar, if you're part of the wedding party, you are endorsing not just the relationship, but the person who is entering into this relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
We should say to your brother, what I would say to my brother and make this about me and what I would do is I can't in good conscience stand up there and endorse you knowing what I know. maybe you should have kept this from me in the same way you kept it from your girlfriend, your fiance soon all this time. And then I wouldn't feel conflicted in this way.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Homeless couple filmed having sex in parking lot under NYC's FDR Drive. The paper anonymously quotes the aghast 34-year-old local who witnessed the shocking sight, saying, "...a couple having sexual intercourse on the sidewalk was a new low for the city." That quote made it into the headline. Two people fucking outside. A new low for the city. You know what I think is a new low?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And maybe there's something that you can do, or you can tell me that will mollify me, like get your ass into therapy, like do some work and recognize how the fucked up this is, or do some work and recognize that you are incapable of honoring or making monogamous commitments. You are not going to make one or demand one from someone else who isn't a cock queen. And those are very rare birds indeed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So the odds that she would be down with him fucking around on her. or get off on it are pretty slim. Who knows, though? Who knows what she knows? Seven years they've been together. This has happened routinely, regularly. Maybe she knows, and she just doesn't want you to know she knows or other people to know she knows.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Maybe she's being, say it with me, everybody, tolly, tolly amorous about all this shit. The only way to find out for sure what she knows, whether she knows it, whether she wants to know it, is to risk having this conversation. and to risk your relationship with your brother, with your family of origin to do the right thing by this woman who is about to become a part of your family.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I think we have moral obligation to do right by family members and sometimes to do right by someone in advance of them becoming a family member. Someone has a very serious problem that they've hidden from a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a fiance.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Sometimes family has to back channel or front channel and just go to that person and say, look, there is this problem with drugs or alcohol or debt or infidelity or whatever that you need to know about before you get married. It's much harder to extricate yourself from this relationship or God forbid, scramble your DNA together, making it even worse.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Apparently, testosterone prevents their bodies from processing the cortisone that's stressing them the fuck out. And then the females of the species, now full of cum themselves, eat the bodies of the dead males. Every once in a while, one of the males manages to survive his one and only breeding season, but he is infertile now because his balls weren't just drained...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
you need to make an exit plan here. You need to prioritize your own safety. You need to pull in the friends and family that you trust, that you can talk to, that you can be honest with about what's been going on in this relationship and ask for their help and ask them to run interference as you do the hard thing and end this relationship, the hard and dangerous thing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
that is going to be ending this relationship. Sort of person who threatens to harm themselves, who takes themselves hostage when you try to leave them to control you is the sort of person who might harm you when they realize threatening to harm themselves didn't prevent you from doing what you needed to do and fucking leaving them. So,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
You may need a place to stay where he doesn't know where the fuck you are for a while. You may need to get a restraining order against this person. And what's more important to you right now at this point in your life, in this mess, preserving your public face, saving your public office, We're getting the fuck away from this guy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Are you willing to save face and protect your job and your role in the community? Are you willing to stay with this guy for the next 40 years? No, no. He's got to go at some point and he's not going to go peacefully. It is. He has told you it is going to be a shit show. So the sooner the shit show starts, the sooner the shit shows over.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
The more steps you take to protect yourself because you get to decide when the shit show starts, the more steps you take to protect yourself when you know the shit show is gonna go down, which can include getting out of town, having a place to stay, having other people around you who are willing to come stay, whatever you need to do to protect yourself, the likely you are to get through this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
in one piece, even if it costs you something, even if it sullies your public image and your reputation. You say he's already gotten onto social media and accused you of cheating on him. And yeah, maybe you technically did, but you wanted to end this relationship and he refused to allow you to end this relationship and you
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Like a lot of people got into your head that you're not allowed to end a relationship unless the other person agrees to ending the relationship, which is not true. But of course he was playing the threat card and the trauma card. Like I had a lot of trauma. Okay, great. You had a lot of trauma early in your life. I'm sad for you. I'm glad that you managed to climb out of that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
But your trauma, someone's trauma is not a trap that other people fall into and then can never escape from because you have trauma. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You say that he made a life for himself, got away from all that, but he's still carrying it with him and weaponizing it. Not in the thrall of the trauma anymore. He is using it as a stick to beat you with and control you with.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
That's how you should see it right now. Yeah. And you got to get the fuck away from this guy and it might cost you. It's going to be grief. It's going to be ugly. The control you have right now again is when the shit show starts. So what do you need to do to feel safe to get through this?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
during breeding season mating season they were disintegrated by stress hormones when i read about an animal like this some crazy mating strategy some animal with a absolutely bat sex life i always wonder how far back you gotta go before you find the common ancestor we share with them
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Do those things, enlist the people in your life who love you, who will support you, that you can tell everything about what's been going on here. People have your back and then tell this guy, not only is it over, but you don't want him in your life anymore and you can't talk to him anymore and you're blocking his number.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
and you don't want to see him put it in writing so that if he comes to you, shows up at your workplace, shows up at your house or your apartment or public appearances or events or whatever, that then you can instantly go to a judge and get a fucking restraining order. Not that restraining orders make people bulletproof. Sadly, you're still in danger even if you have that piece of paper.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
But sometimes Knowing that there's a restraining order and potential legal consequences can sober a person who still can act in their own self-interest the fuck up about what it is that they're doing and risking if they don't knock it the fuck off and go the fuck away, which is what you need and want him to do. Better sleep, clearer communication, reduced stress.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
These are all benefits you can get from good quality therapy. But it can be challenging to find the right therapist and then find the time to meet with that therapist. Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Talkspace Therapy and Psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans and employers.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Most insured members have a zero, that's zero, copay. You can easily sign up online and get paired with the licensed provider that's the right fit for your needs, typically within 48 hours. You can also switch providers at no extra cost. Talkspace provides personalized treatments for individuals, couples, and the LGBTQIA plus community. veterans, and teens.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And Talkspace makes getting help convenient because you take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home, which makes finding the time easy. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Savage and enter promo code Space80.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Savage and enter promo code Space80 today. to get $80 off your first month and show your support to the Lovecast. That's Talkspace.com slash Savage promo code Space80.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And then I think, hey, that common ancestor thing might come as a comfort to someone out there with a vor fetish or a cannibalism kink. There could be buried somewhere in your DNA a gene for that, a marsupial gene for that. You too could be born this way. Two other quick news items I wanted to cover today. Florida banned sex ed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I have two quick follow-up questions. The police were involved when you retrieved your things? Yes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And she stumbled over evidence of all of this, including the cyber sex? Correct. And by stumbled over, went snooping? Correct. All right. Seems to me the problem here isn't the 14-year-old. The problem is the emotional dysregulation of the adults in this 14-year-old's life and poor impulse control. I'm in an open relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
My husband and I sit side by side flirting with people online all the time and sending harmless messages. notes and showing them to each other. So this for me would be like not something I would police. But if your agreement with your girlfriend was you don't flirt with other women and you violated that agreement, okay, well there's poor impulse control on your part, but
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I lay the majority of the blame on your ex-girlfriend's part here. She involved her child, and now her child feels like she gets to involve herself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I will get right on that. I have your email. When we were setting this up, I will send you a note. I will flirt with you. I think the place to start here is an apology – to everyone, not just this 14-year-old, but all the other kids, all the other friends, all the other family, that she dragged into this conflict with you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I think people have a right to confide in friends, to ask for advice, to share what they're going through with trusted intimates. I don't think it's fair when people say, you can't talk about our business with anybody else when we're in conflict. But this kind of nuking for online flirting and for, you know, they talk about micro infidelities.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I guess this is kind of approaching macro infidelity, but you know, you didn't put her at risk physically. You didn't put your dick in somebody else and then have unprotected sex with her. You fucked around on the internet a little bit. There was an emotional violation in this connection with your ex, but it should have been something that you two could have handled privately.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And she could have talked to an adult or two in her life about what to do. But she didn't. She went nuclear and involved all these other people and tried to destroy your relationships with all these other people to punish you. And now you're thinking about getting back together with her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And it seems to me the bigger problem than how this teenager feels is the risk you take of getting back into this relationship. And what happens... Is she going to snoop on you for the rest of your life? Are you going to live in a police state? Are you allowed to have any privacy? Are you entitled to a zone of erotic autonomy in this relationship or not?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
CBS News reports Florida school districts are rolling back comprehensive approaches to sex education in favor of abstinence-only focused lessons under pressure from state officials who have labeled instruction on contraception, anatomy, and consent as inappropriate for students.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I think those are important things to hammer out with an adult when you're in an adult relationship, but I don't get the impression based on your ex-girlfriend's behavior or your summary of her behavior that you're in a relationship with an adult in good working order capable of emotional self-regulation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have trauma. I'm triggered. Blah, blah, blah. I'm triggered. No one can say boo to me that I stabbed you in the neck because I have trauma. No. One of the things you have to do as an adult to prove you're in good enough working order to be in a relationship is handle your shit, including past trauma.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And past trauma is not an excuse to inflict current trauma or future trauma on your kids. To say nothing of your partner. It's not a get out of emotional self-regulation free card.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Okay, so it seems to me the solution here is if you want to get back together with her, and if I were you, I wouldn't get back together with somebody where I had to get the police involved to feel like I could safely retrieve my things without the threat of gunplay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
But there's a middle ground between getting back together and moving back in together, which is getting back together but having separate households. I assume you live somewhere now. You're not on the street.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
If you want to reconnect with her on the condition that she get help with her trauma and that she doesn't pay that trauma forward or inflict trauma on her teenage child and others every time she's triggered, great. Get back together with her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
But I think the way you and she both demonstrate to this kid that her feeling of safety is important to you is by literally saying to this kid, we're going to get back together. But you know what? I'm not going to move back in. for at least a year. And you know, well, how you feel at 14 can be very different than how you feel at 16 or 15 and a half or whatever a year from now is for this kid.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And maybe that signal to this kid that you both recognize that what you did and then what her mom put her through was unpleasant and upsetting. And so you're going to slow your roll back into this relationship in deference to her feelings. That seems to me like the adult thing to do on both your parts, you and your girlfriend, your ex-girlfriend.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
So they're no longer going to cover in Florida in sex ed sexual activity, human development, consent, pleasure, or sexual abuse. Banning sex ed is one of the planks in Project 2025's platform. That is also Donald Trump's platform, which in addition to wanting to ban sex ed, calls for banning porn, throwing adult content creators into prison, making contraception and abortion both illegal.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And I think she should, like, I'm advocating for Romaine's ex-girlfriend. Like, any time I had a breakup where I had to call the cops, that was not somebody I circled back to and thought, oh, maybe. Okay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Yeah, but were the police your kind of retaliatory escalator? Oh, look, you sent all this information to all of our friends and family. I'm going to call the cops in.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Is the pussy amazing? Like, what is it? What is it? Why are you going back?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Okay, she had a right to be upset. I agree. What she did with the upset was not okay. And there are consequences now for the both of you, but really for this kid, right?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Slow your roll. That's how you win this kid back. My stepmother eventually won me over by giving me space and time, which I needed. My dad left my mom for my stepmom. I was ice fucking cold and she did not come at me. She let me be ice fucking cold. It was painful for her. I was a teenager. I was 15. She gave us space. She gave us time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And one of the reasons we came around on her was that she wasn't forcing herself on us. And she wasn't making demands that we didn't feel she was entitled to make that would have put us into conflict with our mom at that time. Like we were showing allegiance to our mom, even like this kid is thinking she's showing allegiance to our mom. And we just needed time and space.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And if you move back in, that's not giving this kid time or space. Right. And then you need to game out like what you know of yourself is like you like to dink around a little bit on the internet and send flirty messages to hot women. Who doesn't? Is there space for that in your relationship? Or is that something you're going to have to...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Or can you go cold turkey on never, ever do ever, ever, ever again? And will she take your word for that? Or is she going to be going through your phone and you're going to be dating the East German secret police and not an adult who can allow you some zone of erotic autonomy? Like I think all adults kind of need that zone of erotic autonomy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And I think it's good that sometimes we flirt with other people and we get that affirmation of our desirability. And then if we're plowing that sexual energy and erotic energy into our relationship, our partner benefits from that. Even if they don't want to hear about it, don't want to know about it, or wouldn't approve of it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
We used to get that like at work, like we'd flirt with a coworker we thought was hot or we'd go out for drinks after work and maybe we'd have a conversation with a stranger that wouldn't go anywhere. But like if our partner saw us flirting, it would be a problem. And the internet, the phone, that's the problem. Like your partner has access. They can see where people flirt now, which is online.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And so are you allowed that or not? Are you not? And if you're not allowed that, can you give it up forever? And if you can't, you're just like lighting a fuse that runs to a bomb that's going to explode two years from now or six months from now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
We know what banning contraception and abortion looks like because Romania's communist dictator, Ceausescu, did that in Romania in the 1970s and the 1980s, and it was a disaster. Infanticide, abandoned infants, packed orphanages where kids were neglected and abused, sometimes to death. But abstinence-only education, sex ed classes that don't cover contraception or consent or pleasure.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Okay, well then, I wouldn't get back together with this person, but I would support your choice.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And again, I'm going to assume the pussy is amazing. Can confirm. All right, so yeah, I guess if the dick was truly amazing, I might make allowances I wouldn't otherwise for average.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
So I will endorse this with some hesitation on the condition that for at least the next year, you maintain separate households and give this 14-year-old some space and time to recover from the trauma her mother needlessly inflicted on her because she was having a fight with her boyfriend about things adults in relationships have conflict about all the time and do not...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
blow up, involve kids, involve other relatives, have to call the police and threaten someone with gun violence. Like people process this exact conflict all the time without this kind of drama. And that's what's got to happen. If you're going to get together, it's like figure out how to defuse this conflict without this kind of drama, or it's just the Yeah. I'm running my mouth now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Don't move in together for a year. Enjoy the amazing pussy. If you guys are good in a year, maybe you can move in together and her daughter will feel better about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
hey folks if you're a savage love cast listener we know you like true stories and we think you'll love the radically honest true stories on the podcast risk risk is where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share like the one about the guy who cooked and served his own leg to his friends as tacos or the one about the woman who found out the person she was anonymously sharing her kinky fantasies with online was her dad
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Risk is one of the first podcasts I ever followed, and it's still one of my favorite weekly listens. Host and creator Kevin Allison created an amazing show and community really at Risk. If you've never heard it and you're looking for something bingeable for a trip or a long flight, download Risk now and you will be instantly hooked. If you think you've heard it all, just wait till you hear Risk.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Listen and follow Risk on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Hey Dan, I have a threesome condom etiquette question for you. I'm a cis woman. My boyfriend's a cis guy. We're both somewhere around heteroflexible. We've had foursomes with other couples before, but we've only ever soft swapped. And so condom wearing hasn't been something that we've negotiated before in group play, but we're really interested in having our first threesome with another guy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I try to learn something new every day, and here's the new thing I learned today. In Australia, there are these tiny little gerbil-sized marsupials called broad-footed pouch mice, and their sex lives are nasty, brutal, and short, at least for the boys. We've all heard of bugs where the females eat the males after sex. It's called sexual cannibalism.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And we're hoping to make that happen. And we're just wondering if there is any general etiquette around condom wearing. So my boyfriend doesn't wear a condom when it's just the two of us, but we'd certainly be needing the other guy to wear a condom for any penetration and it would just be of me. There wouldn't be any penetration between the two guys.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And we're just wondering, is there just a general rule that if one guy needs to wear a condom, the other guy should too? I mean, of course, this is something that we can talk about with the guy, but we just didn't even want to bring it up if it showed poor manners, poor form, bad etiquette. If you could let us know, that would be great.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I love how you say condom. It's so much more refined and glamorous than how we say it. Condom. That's how we say it in Chicago. Condom sounds like something I want to put on my dick. Look, your boyfriend, the two of you are fluid bonded. Anybody that you might want to have a three-way with, anybody who is safe, responsible, intuitive,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
We did that here in the 1990s and 2000s. We spent billions of dollars doing that. We know what it looks like. More sexually transmitted infections, more teen pregnancies, and more, a lot more, anal. They ever open a museum of unintended consequences or an unintended consequences hall of fame? The way social conservatives popularized butt stuff 20 years ago deserves its own wing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
has a high emotional IQ, the kind of person who makes a good three-way partner is going to understand that of course your boyfriend doesn't have to wear a condom, but he does, or condom, but he does because you two aren't fluid bonded. I've had three ways. I've never had a guy object to him having to wear a condom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
fucking my husband when I didn't have to wear a condom fucking my husband because my husband and I didn't use condoms only with each other, but we did with other guys back in the pre-prep days.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Never had a guy be like, hey, this violates Emily Post's rules of etiquette concerning threesomes, where if one person has to wear a condom for perfectly legitimate reasons, everybody else has to wear a condom, whether it makes sense for that person to wear a condom or not, whether that person wears a condom at any other time or not.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
If you feel like you might be tense about it or concerned, you should say to them in advance, we don't use condoms, but you'll have to use a condom. We're fluid bonded. We're a couple. We don't use condoms, but of course you are very special guest star to protect me and my boyfriend, but also to protect you. You'll be wearing a condom and no guy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
who's excited about having an MMF three-way is going to, well, no guy you would want to have that three-way with is going to object and is going to insist because your boyfriend doesn't have to wear a condom. He shouldn't have to wear a condom. You wouldn't want to fuck that guy in a hundred million years.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And no guy is going to say, no guy you want to fuck is going to say, well, because I have to wear a condom, well, then everybody has to wear a condom. Unless he's a condom, condom fetishist and you want to indulge him in his condom fetishism. It's a different thing, different matter entirely. Yeah, this isn't going to be a problem. Be direct about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
If it makes you feel better to toss it out there on the table. And it's a good sorting hat. Anybody who has a problem with it, nobody you want to fuck. Time for listener feedback. First up, I'm going to read some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. From Incontempo, a very thought-provoking discussion, Dan, with Esther Perel.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
As I enter the seventh year of my relationship, I'm starting to think about these things more. How to keep that flame alive. I do think it's good to keep in mind your partner could choose, not necessarily someone else, but choose not to be with you. Every day, in essence, is a renewal of a contract we made voluntarily. One day you could choose differently or they could choose differently.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Give reasons beyond routine to make that choice to stay. Says Compass, we first read Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity in early 2008. What she had to share was a huge influence on our thinking as a married couple. There was no seven-year itch for me, but I did need to get a handle on my autonomy. My husband blossomed as he was not afraid of the things I was examining.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And two years later, it would lead him to introducing me to a friend and thus our first monogamish MFM experience. No need to cheat apart. A fantasy we both had. Now we could cheat together. As I once said to Stephen Colbert, is it cheating if I'm cheating at one end of a guy and my husband is cheating at the other end of that same guy at the same time? Scholars are still working on that one.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And finally, we're going to read an email instead of a comment, an email from M. But I am a woman who has been sexually assaulted and manipulated far too many times to be anyone's sub. I know it's a cute play on words, Dan, but words have power and there may be others out there who have unwillingly been someone's sub who feel as I do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Sorry that you have been a victim of sexual assault and abuse and manipulation. M, of course, sub is short for subscriber, but yeah, it's a play on words. I am consciously invoking the way sub is frequently used here on the Lovecast in reference to the submissive partner in a consensual dom-sub relationship. But when I use sub, the emphasis is on consensual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I'm not invoking situations where one person was abused or manipulated or assaulted, but where one person chose to take on the submissive role as a form of play because it was what they wanted, not because it was something someone else wanted to force on them. An assault victim is a victim, not a sub. A sexual predator is a criminal, not a dom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
That said, Em, I am sorry that the word is a stumbling block for you. I'm happy to send you a gift subscription, not to make you my subscriber against your will, but to allow you to listen to the Magnum Lovecast and enjoy the extended Savage Love column without technically ever having become a subscriber of mine.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
All right, for more listener feedback and to try your hand at giving some sex advice yourself, check out Struggle Session every Thursday where I respond to listener and readers' written comments. And I post a letter that was sent to me at Savage Love but isn't going to make it into the column and let you guys give the advice. Goes up every Thursday at Savage.Love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
You see, kids in the 90s and 2000s were told that sex was vaginal intercourse and that they shouldn't have sex, which was dirty and disgusting. They shouldn't have sex with... anybody before marriage because that dirty and disgusting thing should be saved for someone that you loved. And of course, sex was vaginal intercourse.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And now, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part of the show where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And so kids, deploying kid logic as kids often do, kids started doing anal instead because anal wasn't vaginal. And if it wasn't vaginal, it wasn't sex. And so they were abstaining. They were good. So long as they stuck to anal. This is really bad news for young people in Florida. But it's good news for me, I guess.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your questions and comments for future shows. You can record your question or your comment on our website at savage.love.com. Or you can make a voice memo and email us your question to q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline and leave us a message at 206-302-2064. Save the date.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Our next Savage Love Live for our Magnum subs is Thursday, October 17th, noon Pacific. Savage Love Live, of course, is a special Zoom hangout we do exclusively for our Magnum subscribers. Not one of my subscribers yet. Become one now at savage.love.com. This weekend, you can catch Hump Part 2 in theaters as Hump was meant to be seen in San Francisco, Seattle, Eugene, and Burlington, Vermont.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Can't make it to a theater for a screening? Invite some friends over for a Hump viewing party and stream it at home and have a Hump party. Tickets to screenings and streaming passes can be purchased at humpfilmfest.com. And while you're on the website, find out how you can get your film into Hump by clicking Submit a Film. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow Caleb Heron on Instagram and threads at Caleb Says Things. His podcast, So True, is available on all podcasting platforms. And if you are in New York, Caleb will be performing at the Bell House this Thursday in Brooklyn, October 3rd at 7 p.m. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at Risk Youth and Nancy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
We will all be back at you next week with our installment of the Savage Lovecast. Condom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Since Florida, and if Trump wins, the whole country, if Project 2025 is put into effect, is going to ensure a constant supply of poorly sex-educated young people who are going to need someone to tell them that, yeah, anal is sex and that sex should be pleasurable for all involved and that consent is important.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
or where they can order contraception on the black market after 2028, or whenever the Comstock Act is put back into force. Google it. Google the Comstock Act. Putting that back into force? Also a goal of the people behind Project 2025, including... Donald Trump and J.D. Vance.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And finally, speaking of sexually active teenagers and anal, looks like Nick and Charlie are finally, finally going to consummate their relationship in season three of Heartstopper. Heartstopper, of course, is the Netflix hit series about two boys in love based on the graphic novel by Alice Oseman, who was never a teenage boy in love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
We are three seasons in and these two teenage boys, one gay, one bi, They haven't fucked yet. Proof, if we needed it, that the book the show is based on wasn't written by someone who was ever a teenage boy or a gay boy and may not know a gay boy and couldn't be bothered to Google gay boy before sitting down to write a book about one. Well, I think Heartstopper is great.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Really, really, I do, I do. Gay kids need their schmaltzy teen romances too. And I really don't want to piss off the show's fans and stans who can be really aggressive. But I got to say, for my perch here, in my professional opinion, sexual compatibility is important. One of the things we talk about a lot on the show. It's a good idea to establish it early. And three seasons in...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
That's not early enough, in my opinion. And I feel like I have a right to that opinion and to share that opinion because I was a gay teenager once. And as a gay adult, I give sex advice for a living, which means I spend a lot of time helping couples who failed to establish sexual compatibility early. Not easy to do. And it's not always possible.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
So look, it is wonderful that Charlie and Nick are in love and I'm glad they're finally gonna do it. And I'm sure the sex is gonna be magical and everything is gonna work out beautifully because they're fictional characters created by someone who was assigned female at birth and identifies now as asexual and aromantic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Bees don't do it, birds don't do it, but praying mantises famously do it and some spiders do it. But I wasn't aware that there were any mammals that did it until I read Hannah Osborne's piece in Live Science over the weekend about Australian broad-footed pouch mice that literally die of horniness. At least the boys do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
But if Charlie and Nick actually existed, if they were real boys and they had waited three seasons to have sex for the first time, Well, at this point, their balls probably would have disintegrated from the stress hormones.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
But if they existed and waited all that time and their balls didn't disintegrate and they didn't die, the first time they had sex, they would probably find out they were both bottoms or both tops or one is into bondage and the other can't tie knots or one is into diapers and the other just can't. All I'm saying is I want everybody to enjoy Charlie and Nick's idealized romance.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, well, there's nothing you can't ask on the Savage Lovecast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And I want everybody to enjoy, I want all the ladies out there to enjoy their first time having sex. But in your own romantic lives, don't wait three seasons to establish sexual compatibility. Oh, and on a serious note, my heart goes out to everyone affected by Hurricane Helene, especially people in North Carolina and Tennessee, which appear to be the hardest hit states.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I made a donation to the Hurricane Relief Fund at GoFundMe and to MANA Food Bank, a local group in Asheville, North Carolina. Links for both are on the show page.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
All right, coming up on today's show on the micro free-for-all Savage Lovecast, tons of your cues, lots of my A's, and joining me for the Magnum Savage Lovecast that you can subscribe to right now at savage.love, comedian Caleb Herron joins me to talk comedy, growing up gay in Missouri, and what young gay boys like Charlie and Nick are calling their assholes these days.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
All that coming up on today's show. Now, let's get to that first call.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Telling your kid that you love them and you support them for themselves, for whoever they are, and you always will love and support them, whoever they are, is enough. Beyond that... It's not even extra credit beyond that. You really don't need to do more than that right now. I remember when I was a gay teenager in Chicago, I went to a gay teen support group for five minutes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
There are 15 different species of antechinus, and I'm sure I'm mispronouncing that, native to Australia, which has all the freakiest animals. And the breeding seasons of all 15 species of this mouse have two things in common, this marsupial mouse. The breeding season lasts three weeks and the males don't survive it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
It had a kind of predatory vibe. I didn't go back. But I met a few gay teens that I hung out with, and a few of them had parents that they were out to, which was a miracle at that time, decades ago. And there was, you know, one or two whose parents were really aggressively invested in their kids gayness, but also in their identity as parents who were loving and supporting their gay kid.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And it felt a little leg humpy to be around them. And then there were the parents who weren't being tolerant, who weren't resigned to their kid being gay, but they were fine with it and chill about it and had said, I love you. I accept you. They welcomed, you know, boyfriends and other gay teenagers into their houses, but they were just really matter of fact about love support.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Now go clean your room, love support. You got to do your homework, love support. No, you can't be out till three o'clock in the morning, sneaking into gay bars. They still parented their kids and they, Those parents who loved support and then dropped it and parented, they were better. They were better. We felt better around them. We felt more comfortable with them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
than we did with the parents who were always searching for ways to telegraph to their kids who were gay, that they were fine with it. Fine with it. Love it. Great. Wanted to go like to the gay bars with their kids, help their kids get fake IDs, not just come to the pride parade in March, but like make their kids gayness all about them. And that's what I think you shouldn't do right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I don't think you should make your kids non-binary-ness all about you. It's about them. And if your kid sees you get super invested in their being non CIS hat, well, you know, there's a lot of kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
You say your kid's really young in elementary school, a lot of kids out there who, and I might get into over saying this, but I'm just going to say it retreat into to buy themselves a little bit more time with, so they're not feeling pressured to date or,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
do anything sexual they're not yet ready for may retreat into identifying as asexual or somewhere on the asexuality spectrum or retreat into identifying as non-binary to avoid the pressure to be masculine if they're assigned male at birth or adhere to feminine behaviors or
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
matters of dress or style if they were assigned female at birth and just want to declare themselves Switzerland right now, while all of their peers are kind of leaning really heavily into masculinity or femininity or heterosexuality or sexuality. And so if your kid is doing that, you don't want your kid to hesitate in two or three or four more years to walk it back.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Because mom and dad now are so invested in being the parents of a queer kid or a non-binary kid or an asexual kid or a gay kid or a bi kid or a whatever kid that now that they know themselves a little better, they're worried about going to mom and dad and saying, you know, this thing that you've made the center of your identity and what our family is all about.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
When breeding season rolls around, the bodies of the male broad-footed mice are flooded with testosterone and cortisone, the horniness hormone and the panic hormone. They are young, dumb, and full of cum and nervous racks, apparently. The males run around mating with as many females as they can for three weeks without sleep, and then... They drop dead from organ failure brought on by the stress.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Yeah, I'm not really that thing anymore, which is why I think you need to be chill and matter of fact about it. You can be anybody you want to be. You can be non-binary. You can be gay. You can be straight, bi, trans, allosexual, asexual, whatever. We will love and support you. And now you know this about them. This is how they identify right now. Accept it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
You don't have to paint your house with rainbow colors. You don't have to make it about you. Just keep listening to and, as they say, holding space for them. and be chill. Be that parent that when we were gay and young and needed places to hide, be that parent who was just chill and matter of fact and still the parent. Don't be that parent who wanted to tag along with us to the bars.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And thank you for being that parent. Thank you. I don't want to make you feel bad for having asked this question. This is, I think, the right question for a parent in your position to ask themselves. But you already landed on the answer. What can I do? You're doing it. Expressing your love for your kid, expressing your support for your kid. Beyond that, nothing is required of you right now.