Dan Savage
Appearances
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
But you gotta bring a knife to a knife fight. You don't unilaterally disarm. You say, hey, this is a terrible thing when you do it to us or when we do it to you, so how about we stop doing it to each other? I would also probably do some self-indulgent shit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Not all women can have multiple orgasms. Not all women who can have multiple orgasms report having had multiple orgasms at their last or during their last sexual experience, their most recent sexual experience. Only 15-ish percent, according to the study I'm looking at right now, of women who can have multiple orgasms had multiples during the last sexual experience they enjoyed multiple
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
when they did have an orgasm, when they climaxed, but just climaxed once during their last sexual experience. So just knowing that for some women, not all women, for some women, multiple orgasms during a sexual encounter is... they regard personally and subjectively as the best sex or a peak sexual experience.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
You're extrapolating from hearing about that from one woman who experiences multiple orgasms in that way and projecting it onto all women everywhere and assuming that all women everywhere feel exactly the same way that they want to come and they don't want to come just once. And if they don't come a million times during a single sexual encounter, it wasn't,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
best sex they ever had that's a really weird standard you don't have the best sex you ever had every single time you have sex you want good sex you want rewarding sex, intimate sex, connected sex every time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
But sometimes you do have maintenance sex or just calm and chill sex where you're connecting with your partner, but it's not swinging from the chandeliers by your ankles and your eyes are crossed afterwards. And you don't want it to be that every single time because that's physically and emotionally taxing in ways that can work as a disincentive to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
have regular, maintainable, sustainable sexual intimacy in the context of a committed, ongoing relationship. If you put yourself under this pressure, every time you have sex, it has to be fireworks and best sex ever again. How can you do that? How can you sustain that in a relationship? If each time you have sex progressively...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
The next time you have sex, you have to outdo the previous time you had sex. Some sort of like mad orgasmic arms race that you are not going to win. Look, you set up a kind of false choice for yourself that you're not there to enjoy sex. You are there to perform and do well as if it isn't possible for a person to walk and chew that gum.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I would buy the castle in the small village where my boyfriend grew up, which has a tower and a great hall and a chapel and a dungeon and everything. And an island. I would probably buy an island, but in Greece. Here's the thing, though. I don't think anybody should be a billionaire, not even me. The existence of a fortune like that. is evidence of a crime having been committed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
At the same time, you can be there to enjoy the sex that you're having and to take your pleasure from someone. A lot of people really enjoy, really get off on the sense that you're They're not just receiving pleasure from this person, but this person that they're with is taking their pleasure from them in a way that's consensual, in a way that is mutually pleasurable.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
But this person is drawing from you at the same time that they are pushing into you or providing for you. That's the straddle. That's the sweet spot. But you need to calm the fuck down. There are women out there who really enjoy sex. There are women out there who are orgasmic. There are women out there who can have multiple orgasms.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
You know what really makes it hard for anybody who can come to come? Feeling pressured to come, feeling like the person you're with regards your pleasure not as something that they're helping to create for you, but as a referendum.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
that's being held on their skill as a lover, and then you can, because you don't want to disappoint them, wind up feeling like you have to, even if you are a woman who has orgasms and can have multiple orgasms, I've talked to women who are capable of multiple orgasms, who are with men, male partners, who knew it, and then they wound up in a situation where they were faking multiple orgasms for that guy because they didn't want to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
crush him by not because the time they were getting together, it wasn't going to happen for them that time, but they're still enjoying the sex. So calm the fuck down about women who have multiple orgasms. Not all women can and not all women who do can or want to each time they have sex. There are other reasons people have sex. You're not just there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
to collect orgasms like Pokemon monsters, cards or whatever the fuck, however you collect those things. That's not what you're necessarily there for. Yes, men, particularly straight men, need to be encouraged to be solicitous of their partner's pleasure. The orgasm gap is real and huge. Doesn't exist in lesbian relationships, exists in opposite sex relationships.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And so, yeah, I want straight men to be solicitous. I want straight men to be making inquiries during sex about what they can do and whether you want to get off and how and asking for direction. But also if what she wants at that moment is for it not to be focused on her pleasure or her having to get off in that moment to make you feel good about yourself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
But what she might want in that moment is to feel like you are – enjoying it and enjoying her and taking your pleasure which you are allowed to do which you are supposed to do which your sex partners if they're there for all the right reasons want you to do and then you can also walk and fucking chew gum perform for them if that's what they want but you got to listen to them about what they want
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
You may wind up in bed sometimes. I've had sex with guys. It's easy for guys. We always know when we've come. And guys are pretty much experts on getting there. But I've had sex with guys where it was great. It was awesome. One of us came and the other one was like, you know what? I don't need to come right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
In the same way, finding a body with its head cut off is evidence that a crime has been committed. You may not have seen the murder, you may not have the murder weapon, but that decapitated body all by itself? Evidence a crime has been committed. Probably more than one. In the case of the decapitated body, there's been a murder. People can't decapitate themselves. Someone cut that dude's head off.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And you just cuddle, then you smile and relax and tell them you'll get them next time, or they can get you next time and roll with it and always be focused on what's really important, which is the connection and the pleasure, not the collection of orgasms.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. We've emailed Helix to let them know that two pillows, a little mononormative. Sometimes there's three people in a relationship. They're going to get back to us on that. We'll let you know what they say.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Gonna have a little intervention here first. Why aren't you out to your husband about being bisexual? Bisexuals often have, tend to have, worse mental health outcomes, physical health outcomes than monosexuals, than gays, lesbians, and straight people.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And the thing that correlates most strongly with poor mental health outcomes is the pressures and strain of the closet, of being married to someone who doesn't know you're bi and feeling like you have to hide from that person. All your life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I wrote an article once a million years ago when I had been accused of being biphobic and I don't think anyone who actually listens to me talk about this shit on this show would think I'm biphobic. But I opened this piece with I'm not biphobic. In fact, I love bisexual people so much I wish there were more of them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And the whole piece is me going on and on and on for 2,000 words in June of 2011 imploring bisexual people who had disappeared into opposite sex relationships and allowed themselves to be perceived as heterosexual by not being out, by not asserting themselves as bi. I wanted them to come out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
In the case of the billionaire? For so much wealth to flow to one person at the top, politicians were bought and sold, regulations were undone or went unenforced, wages were stolen. Interestingly, a billionaire did get arrested this weekend. Pavel Durov, a Russian national, founder of Telegram, the end-to-end encrypted message sharing app.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And I pointed out that if all these bisexual people with opposite sex partners came out, they would represent the vast majority of the LGBTQ community. And that has come to pass in the last decade and a half. And I'm really happy about that. Now, when you look at breakdowns, you see those stories about 20%, 25% of Gen Z and millennials identifying as LGBT, and then you look in the numbers,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
over time, and the numbers for gays and lesbians, pretty constant. Trans people, pretty constant. What's skyrocketed is the number of out bi people. And that's wonderful. Why aren't you one of them? Why does your husband not know that you're bi? Are you not safe coming out to your husband as bisexual?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
In which case, yeah, that's one of the problems that contributes to poor mental health outcomes among bisexuals is when they're married to bigots, which is a mistake. Maybe you married your husband before you were fully consciously aware of your bisexuality, before you encountered this hot trainer at the gym that's really called the question. And I don't want to fault you for that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Sometimes people are still, actually all times, I think all people are always figuring out who they are. And sometimes we marry, scramble our DNA together, have kids with someone and we don't quite know who we are or didn't know who we are, or we continued to evolve and became different people.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And then you find yourself sort of marooned where the most important person in your life is really invested in this idea of who you thought you were. You weren't lying, you weren't actively being deceitful, but who you thought you were when you married them and unwinding their investment in who they thought you were is perilous because the stakes are high.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
What if your husband is an anti-buy bigot and leaves you? On the other hand, wouldn't you rather be out to your husband? On the other hand, if being out to your husband means you can get his permission to go fuck the hot trainer, it seems like the rewards might be worth the risks.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Even if you don't get permission from your husband to go fuck the hot trainer, at least now you don't have to hide from your husband anymore. All right, so I want you to be one of those bisexuals who came out because I importuned you to, and I think you'll be happier once you're out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
It is better to be loved for who you are than to walk around wondering if the people who professed to love you would love you if they knew who you were. So setting aside that there'll be more hot trainers, more hot women in the future that you will encounter who will drive you crazy, make you so fucking horny. That's going to be a constant pleasure that you will face over the course of your life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
The thing I think you really need to address here is the toss up at the end that you're not out to your husband about being bi. Go tell your husband you're bi right now. And then call me back and let me know how it went. Sick of the one-size-fits-all method, especially when it comes to your erectile dysfunction treatment? Well, good news. Now you've got options with HIMS.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I'm not going to get into the particulars of the alleged crimes for which the French detained Pavel Durov. I just want to talk about the weird billionaire thing that he's done. Fathering children, a lot of them. Not fathering them in the sense that he helps with homework or shows up at school plays, just fathering in the sense that he had an orgasm.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Masculinity particularly the heterosexual variety masculinity, can really be a prison. What I hear when your friend says that not having a father growing up made you less of a man, whereas he had a father growing up and therefore he is more of a man, is that he's trapped in this performance of sexuality
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
this idea of masculinity of manhood that was imposed on him by his father or by the expectations that he feels his father has of him. And I think he looks at you and how free you are to be the man you are, the gay man that you are. And this shitty comment that he made is,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
These shitty comments that he suddenly started making are an expression of jealousy and rage and perhaps an indication that he might be gay himself. And sometimes the worst homophobes, we used to say this all the time, and it would come true so regularly.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
He donates sperm, buckets of it, gallons of it, oceans of it. He's reportedly got more than 100 biological children rattling around him. Treating your dick like a Pez dispenser filled with DNA is a lot of things, but it's not fatherhood. But like a lot of weird-ass billionaires, he believes his genetic material is superior to non-billionaire genetic material, and he is a natalist.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
It was a cliche that like somebody who's a raging homophobe or a professional homophobe is often, as I like to say, externalizing that internal conflict, trying to control themselves and their own burning hunger for cock by condemning other people who are acting on their burning hunger for cock and trying to draw a clear, bright line between who they are and who you are because basically
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
deep down inside and sometimes not so deep down, but right on the surface, they know that they are hungry for cock too. They're just not free. They just can't give themselves permission to come the fuck out, to live openly, to shoulder the consequences of coming the fuck out and living openly.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And seeing someone like you, having someone like you in their life as an intimate, as a friend, can really make a person feel shitty about themselves. And it can make a shitty closeted person who feels shitty about himself want to say and do shitty things to punish the gay person in their life who's out, who's...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
freedom makes them feel shitty about their cowardice by saying shitty disparaging things. I have lived long enough to see this tape unspool dozens of times where 16, 18, 20, 22, 24, people I went to college with, really performatively homophobic, sneering, saying shitty, diggy little things, and then they come out. Happens over and over again. Not in all cases.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I'm not saying everybody who's ever said a shitty homophobic thing is secretly hungry for cock, but it happens regularly enough. And based on your description of how it's been happening with this guy...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
My spidey senses tell me that this guy has a very awkward, clumsy coming out in his future where he is going to have to come to you and apologize to you for the shitty things he said to you when he was struggling with the decision about what he's going to do with the rest of his life. Whether he's going to keep trying to nail that closet door shut and stay put or he was going to come the fuck out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
All right. Setting that theory aside, maybe he's not gay. Maybe he's just an asshole. You don't have to have assholes in your life. Even if he's closeted and kind of pathetic and this is sad, you don't have to have him in your life while he's being an asshole. You should say to this guy, I thought we were good, but lately you've been saying these shitty, easily disproved things.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Yeah, I don't have a dad. I didn't have a father in my life growing up. It doesn't make me any less of a man and it's not why I'm Gay. There's plenty of gay guys out there who were raised by their dads and are gay still. And my uncle didn't turn me gay because people don't turn people gay. And what a shitty cliche thing to say. That is not how homosexuality happens. And I think you know it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And I don't understand why you're pretending not to know it. And saying something like that at the end, I think you know it. I don't understand what's up with you right now and why you're acting this way and pretending not to know it. Throws it back at him. And what you're saying to him is like, I see you. I see what you're doing here. And I have an idea as to why you're doing this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And when he's ready to come the fuck out as gay, if that's what's going on. And or apologize to you for being so shitty lately and explain to you why suddenly. Is he being radicalized? Is he watching Andrew Tate videos? What? When he's ready to apologize, maybe he can be back in your life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
People who believe that... Men like him, rich men, white men need to have a lot more kids. And if women don't want to have kids with those men, then we need to figure out how to return to a culture of coercing women to have kids with men they don't want to have kids with.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
But right now, one of the great things about being out and gay and an adult is you don't have to put up with the homophobes in homeroom or in your own immediate family. You get to decide who you spend time with and who you're around. Realize he's your roommate, so you can't avoid him 100% of the time, but you can cut a wide berth. And if living with him is immiserating, move.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Or talk to your other roommates if your other roommates are on your side and are offended by this too. And get together with your other roommates and tell this guy he has to move. Bigotry can have consequences at times for the bigots too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I got nothing. I don't have some alt suggestion for injecting meth into your dick to shrink your dick. The harm reduction intervention I would recommend to your friend here is to stop injecting meth into your dick. His penis. And if he wants to feel like he has a really small dick, there are tiny little dick cages out there that compress the erectile tissues almost all the way back into the body.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Something you can do. You're soft. You can grip the head and you can push down and basically squash all the erectile tissues. It's not good for them. If you do it and immediately let go of your dick, you're not going to have done yourself any harm, but there are people who lock devices under their dicks that keep them in that position.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And the risk is damage to the erectile tissues if you're wearing this kind of chastity device and your dick begins to have a spontaneous erection and you become aroused and all that erectile tissue is filling with blood, but it is crushed and collapsed and doesn't have anywhere to safely – and you can damage those tissues.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
So your friend could do that if he doesn't care about damaging those tissues, if he really is the sworn enemy of his dick that he seems to be. Also, I guess if he could find a... There are gender-confirming surgeons out there who perform nullifications on people who want to be eunuchs or to have Ken doll crotches.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Here's hoping Durov's superior genetic material comes with a trust fund for each and every one of his kids to pay for the cosmetic surgeries they're going to need later in life if they want to look like dad when they grow up. Or look like dad does now. Because Durov's had some work done. Good work. Quality work. He can obviously afford the best. He looks great.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
There are surgeries for Peyronie's disease that can help people with Peyronie's disease, which is a buildup of plaque in the erectile tissue, can cause a bend in the penis, sometimes they're painful, and that can be corrected for, but the downside of the surgical interventions for Peyronie's is that they tend to, by taking out on one side or the other or both, some of the plaque, they tend to make the dick a little shorter.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And if there are people out there who would literally perform nullification surgeries electively on people because they long to be eunuchs or long to have Ken doll crotches, maybe there's one or two out there who would do that for your friend and shorten his dick permanently and he won't need to take the risks, including risks of infection and gangrene.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I wouldn't collect Faberge eggs or buy an island in Hawaii without thinking about why buying an island in Hawaii is such a fucked up thing to do to Hawaiians who still live on those islands. I wouldn't get in a tin can powered by a video game console and go down to see the Titanic. And I wouldn't spend hundreds of millions of dollars on a super yacht that can't float. I like to think...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Like one of the things on the table here is no dick at all, if he's not careful, off the table. Sorry, you can hear my voice, your friend's predicament, making me a little uncomfortable. And again, the harm reduction strategy I would urge is for him to stop harming himself like this with that dangerous drug in this dangerous way.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And if he wants to fantasize about having a much smaller dick or shrink his dick, you can explore that through role play and these now very aggressive strategies. chastity devices and cages, which some people will say when you read about them, that if they wear them consistently and over long periods of time, does make their dicks smaller.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Don't know if that's true because people who are wearing these cages fantasize about their dicks being made smaller. Maybe it's just wishful thinking or less dickful thinking, but your friend could give it a try and give meth a rest. All right, time for the listener feedback section of the show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment thread at savage.love. Says Incontempo, the lady with the suction toys who was wondering about asking her new sex partners to use the suction toys that worked for her. In her last relationship, her marriage, girl, just bring it up.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
One of the first times I had sex with my boyfriend, I asked if he could bring me off with my trusted vibrator. And he was like, sure. Seven years and two vibrators later, we still bring the toys in when we want some guaranteed fun for both of us. He has never been insecure about it. The guys who are insecure about it can hit the bricks as far as I'm concerned.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Says Mickey PG, this is a comment for the woman who dated the bi guy who realized he couldn't be with a woman long term. I would advise you to stay friends with him. He likes you as a person, and maybe he knows some nice hot bi guys he can set you up with. I briefly dated a woman who realized she wasn't really into men. We became good friends instead.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
She wound up setting me up with a wonderful friend of hers. Her friend and I now married and have a child. The same could happen for you. Good luck." And finally, says Laura, I don't know. The idea that a man who mostly has had sex with men would be better at having sex with women for that reason sounds absurd to me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Unless you believe straight guys just don't care about their partner's pleasure and don't learn from experience, which has not been my experience at all. Laura, I'm really glad that your experience with straight guys has been so positive. There are good straight guys out there. I like to think the good straight guys out there are listening to my show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
In all honesty, I would let him inseminate me. But his actual genetic material isn't coded for... the hairline, cheekbones, or jawline he has now. Nice tits, though, for a billionaire. They're all over Instagram. If you want to check out Durov's tits, go to at Durov on Instagram and threads.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
But the orgasm gap exists for a reason because not all straight guys are invested in their partner's pleasure or willing to learn from experience. And it makes sense to me. The idea that a guy who's been mostly with men might be willing to do whatever it takes to get his partner off whoever his partner might be.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Makes sense to me because if you're having sex with dudes a lot, it's not over until you both get off. There wouldn't be an orgasm gap if men who had sex only with women felt the same way. All right, for more listener feedback, keep listening as listener response calls are coming right up. Doing something different with struggle session lately.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Struggle session is where I usually respond to listener and reader comments. But for the rest of the summer, I am running letters and inviting readers to weigh in on letters that didn't make it into the column. Check that out at savage.love on Thursdays.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And now, my favorite part of the show and everybody else's favorite part of the show, the part of the show where I shut my mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
All of this weirdly brings me to Roseanne Barr, the disgraced comedian, terrible human being, Trump-supporting racist nut. I don't think she's well. But a long time ago, she said something I kind of agreed with. Two things, actually, she said that I agreed with. She wants someone out there to invent chocolate air. I would like that, too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your juicy questions and insightful comments for future shows. You can record your question at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email your question or comment to q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline and leave us a message, old school, at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
A note for listeners in Seattle. An award-winning documentary film I worked on, Jimmy in Saigon, is playing at CIFF this Thursday night at 7.30 p.m. The film was made by my ex-college boyfriend, Peter McDowell, about his brother who died in Vietnam when my ex was just five years old. It is a fascinating film. I will be there. Peter will be there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And we will be having a Q&A together after the screening. For more info and tickets, go to Sith.net. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. And follow me at Blue Sky, also at Dan Savage. Follow Nancy, not our Nancy, Savage Lovecast producer, our guest, Nancy Crossdresser, on Twitter at NancyRoseTV. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by our Nancy, Nancy Hartunian.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
and me and nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth we will all be back at you next week another installment of the savage love cast thank you for telling me
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And back when she was running for president in 2012, she originally ran for the Green Party nomination, which she lost to eternal grifter Jill Stein. So Barr ran on the Peace and Freedom Party ticket and got 70,000 votes in 2012. That was before she entirely lost her mind, before she threw in with alleged billionaire criminal Donald Trump. To be clear, he is a criminal. That's not alleged.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Convicted felon, sexual abuser. Only an alleged, by himself, criminal. Billionaire. Back when Barr was running for president, she had this to say about billionaires.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
a maximum wage, if you have billions of dollars, you should have to give back most of the money you stole. You should be able to live on a measly $100 million. You would still be obscenely wealthy. You would still have more money than any one person could spend in a lifetime.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Your family would still benefit from the affirmative action of generational wealth, as Michelle Obama described it when talking about Donald Trump at the Democratic National Convention. Michelle Obama, man, she is done going high. But I agree with Barr. $100 million should be the best you can possibly do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And if you get to that or clear it, you might as well start paying your workers a living wage and stop giving more money than you would pay in taxes to Republican candidates who promise to cut your taxes and just pay your fucking taxes instead. Of course, this is how I feel right now. Check in with me again when Powerball is at two billion and I have a couple of lottery tickets in my pocket.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
All right, before we get to today's show, a quick business announcement for us here at Savage Love Inc. We are gearing up for Hump's 20th anniversary season in 2025, so we are reaching out to filmmakers, kinky people, sex havers, people who just wanna have fun, to invite you to share your sexy, funny, and kinky short films with us. Hump films, always five minute or less.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Each Hump film, five minute or less. They capture a diverse spectrum of experiences and expressions all again within that exhilarating time limit of five minutes or less. Some new things coming to Hump in 2025. Cash prizes. We're thrilled to announce the return of audience cash awards to filmmakers. $10,000 in cash prizes awarded to filmmakers today. audience vote.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And starting in 2025, we're adding a new category for audiences to vote on in the Hump Awards. In addition to best sex, best kink, best humor, we've added most creative, most artistic to the ballot. And we will have two lineups next year, just like we did this year. We will have two hump seasons, a spring and fall hump seasons to bring people more and more
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
of that hump goodness that they love so much. And as always, there is no cost to submit your film to hump. We don't charge a fee to filmmakers to enter hump and every filmmaker whose film makes it into the festival gets a cut of every ticket sold. Go to humpfilmfest.com slash submit to find out all you need to know about getting your dirty little masterpiece into our dirty little film festival.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Like everyone likes to think that if I was a billionaire, I would do nice shit, not weird shit or problematic shit. If I was a billionaire, I would help out my family and friends and strangers. I would probably keep doing this show because why the fuck not? Man needs an occupation, like Lady Bracknell said.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And we will see you in the theaters on the big screen in 2025. All right, coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me for the magnum, Nancy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Not our girl Nancy, not Savage Lovecast producer Nancy Hartunian, but Nancy, the straight male cross-dresser who heard us ask if there were any straight male cross-dressers out there in our audience who would want to come on the show and talk about... Cross-dressing, which you hear a lot less about these days than you used to.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Tons of your great sex questions and a whole bonus Nancy coming up for you today on the Savage Lovecast. Let's get to that first question right now. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the makers of my mattress and your next mattress. Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
This is their best offer yet. It won't last long. Go get your new mattress. With Helix, better sleep starts now. This episode is sponsored by HIMSS. Affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at himss.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I would pour money into gun control and fund the shit out of any organization with an actual and plausible plan to do away with the electoral college. And I would plant a lot of trees or something. But yeah, I probably would do some weird shit too. Some fucked up shit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
So the problem here isn't that you're out at a bar having drinks with a higher up at the place where you work and that the conversation is getting flirty and explicit. That is not the problem that you asked me to address. It is a problem that a lot of people out there listening are probably flagging right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
What kind of a workplace is this if the higher ups are going out with the underlings and talking about... their sexual orientations and their genital preferences and getting tipsy and flirty with employees. You didn't ask me to address that. I sometimes think people put too much emphasis on that as a problem. A lot of people do meet people that they wind up fucking at work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And so long as someone isn't exploiting their power over you and they're consciously exploiting leaning out of their power over you. And if your workplace has a go to your higher, higher ups and disclose any romantic connection policy, you're doing that. I don't have a problem with people fucking people that they met at work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
We live in a world where there are a lot of people who aren't fucking at all anymore right now because the dating apps are a fucking nightmare and don't work for them. And people are bowling alone to use that horrible phrase and not going out and not getting laid. Um, And I feel like as problematic as workplace romances and bromances can be, I don't want to close that down.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I don't want to make that so taboo. No one ever... Fuck somebody that isn't a lateral fuck on the power chart that they met through work. Anyway, what do you do? Well, my feeling, if you're out to 20%, you estimate, of your coworkers about being trans and out to a few of your managers about being trans... And you didn't swear them to secrecy when you came out to them as trans.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
And they aren't the kind of hand-wringing allies who are hyper-conscious of it not being their news to share. Coming out to a fifth of people in your graduating class, coming out to a fifth of people at work, coming out to a fifth of your family typically means, in pretty short order, that...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
the other 80% of your coworkers, classmates, family, whatever it is, find out because word does indeed spread. So my money's on this guy was flirting with you may know you're trans likely knows you're trans. And this was going where you thought it was going. I'm gay until the dick comes out. There's more than one way to interpret that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Politically, I would fund a grassroots effort to purge Republican voters from the rolls in red states like Georgia, where right now MAGA Republican weirdos, not elected officials, are purging voters in Democratic districts. I think purging voters from voting rolls is a terrible thing, a bad thing, a terrible idea. Like, gerrymandering is a terrible thing and a terrible idea.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
I'm gay until my dick comes out and then I kind of lose it when I'm with a dude, trans or cis, or I'm gay so long as I'm getting blown by a guy who is keeping, if he has a dick, his dick in his pants or bending over for me, but doesn't expect me to bend over for him. I don't want to touch a dick. That's not gay that would pass the gay muster in my gay house, but I guess that's gay for him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
You say he identifies as bi, he's one of those guys who's using gay to mean any male-male sex that he engages in colloquially in a way that I think he's entitled to as a bi guy, but if a gay guy used gay to mean that, to use gay in that way in reference to the sex a bi guy might be having, it could be dot, dot, dot. Problematic. All right. So what do you do?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Well, you went out, you had flirty drinks. The conversation went to what some may feel are inappropriate places and ended on a note of erotic tension and ambiguity. How do you resolve that erotic tension? How do you clarify what's ambiguous now? Well, you go out for drinks again and you keep talking to this dude if you are interested in this dude. But at some point you're going to have to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
Pull one of my signature moves, which is just looking at somebody and being really blunt. Hey, last time we had drinks, you said you're gay until the dick comes out. And I said, well, you're in luck because there's a lot of guys out there without dicks these days. I'm one of those guys. I'm a trans man and I haven't had bottom surgery. I don't intend to get bottom surgery. So...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
You could be gay for me without any dick other than yours ever coming out and just hit on the motherfucker already if it feels right. And it might be better with the workflow charts and the power structure and him being above you, him being a higher up if you were the one who made the first explicit move. He may feel less...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 930
at risk or less vulnerable to a charge of sexual harassment in the workplace if he, as the overling, didn't make the first move on you, the underling. But he certainly, I think by having this conversation with you and where this conversation went, opened the door to you making that first move.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
You're listening to the micro version of the Savage Lovecast at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Even if you staple that condom to his dick and it doesn't come off, somebody who pulls that kind of move during sex has other moves that they will pull during sex to give themselves the pleasure of getting it over on someone, of feeling like they're in control, of using someone in the way that they would like to use them, even if this time while I'm using you, I have to keep that condom on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
There are lots of dick out there, but if this dick was great and you want to sit on it one more time and letting him feel like he got away with something because he got away with something, you can live with that. I'm not going to throw stones from my glass house at yours because I understand that kind of dick fever.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Been there, done that more than once, regretted it more than once, but more often than not, didn't regret it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
So you get to make your own choices. I'm one of those weirdos who likes to take the bus, but I didn't always. Why do I like it now? Let me tell you about a little app called Dipsy. Dipsy is the female-founded app for spicy audiobooks and more. Created by women for women, their app has over 1,000 spicy audiobooks, all crafted by a team of professional writers and top-tier narrators. Sexy Hades?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Lots of younger gay men, like lots of younger straight women, find older and more powerful men attractive. The whole daddy thing, I am not complaining about it. I have personally benefited from it. But not one gay man I know, young or old, would send whole pics to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. That man is thoroughly resistible to gay men, but apparently not to straight women.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Yes, please. Enemies to lovers? Yeah, sure. Meet the Rigger? Okay. With their easy to explore app, you can search for your favorite romance genres like contemporary, historical, dark, sports, western, romance, sapphic, and more. New chapters are released every week, so you'll always find something new to enjoy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
For listeners of the show, Dipsy is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage. That's 30 days of full access for free when you go to D-I-P-S-E-A stories.com slash savage. That's dipsystories.com slash savage. Make your bus ride super fun.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I have had one night stands. I have let people who were strangers to me touch me, but I'm Demi, but I'm Demi on speed a little bit. Like I can never really could never really mess around with somebody if they weren't someone I could see myself dating. And that is something that I got very good at determining quickly.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
When I met Terry and we had that one night stand, we talked in the bar and then we made out in the bathroom and then we went up.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
There was this progression and a lot of talking over the course of the night before he wound up back in my apartment where the next morning, I famously had to, while he was in the shower, get his wallet out of his pants and get his driver's license out of his wallet because I couldn't remember his name.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Anyway, that's different for me than like laying on some table in a dark room with some stranger putting their hands on me. And maybe there's a contradiction there, but we are all of us a mass of contradictions. We are allowed to have tiny little harmless hypocrisies. And you're trying to sell me on massage by saying it's a safe place with a lot of boundaries. I totally get it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I've gotten a few massages. I wasn't No one cut my kidney out of my body during a massage. I wasn't violated in any way. But you say the whole point is to relax. All you have to do to enjoy that massage is relax. And there's the rub. I can't relax in that way. situation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I can't relax laying on a table in front of a stranger with a towel covering my dick who is then going to run their hands all over my body. I can't relax. I can't relax. I have gotten a massage once or twice at Terry's urging because he thinks I'm too tense. He enjoys massages. And I left about a thousand times tenser than I arrived. So I don't see the point. I tipped really well.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
It wasn't the fault of the masseuse in any way. But I didn't see the point of putting myself through that again. We are allowed to have preferences and dislikes and they don't all have to neatly align with other preferences and dislikes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
So yeah, I was 30 and I met this 23-year-old in a bar and I let him play jungle gym on me all night long after talking to him in that bar and feeling like I could date this guy. And you know what? Turned out to be right. My hunch was correct. I'm really good at figuring those things out on the fly. but some masseuse. Yeah, no, no.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
So what I'm thinking is that maybe a well-timed intervention, a room filled with newsies, gay besties, just looking at her and slowly shaking their heads and saying, girl, no, over and over again, might have saved her career. The Newsy scandal was just one sex scandal that broke last week. An anti-gay activist was discovered to have appeared in gay porn.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I'm fine with this being an irresolvable contradiction in my psyche, in my character, even a hypocrisy of mine. And you're going to let me have it because there's no prying it out of me. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the makers of the mattress in our bedroom, in our guest room, and my boyfriend's bedroom too. The Helix mattress, perfect for poly people, perfect for...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
for monogamous people too. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection. That's ours. That's the mattress we have. The newly released Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even mattresses made just for kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix Sleep Quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes. And then your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door, free of charge. But you will get, with your mattress, a
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
100 night sleep trial you can try out your new mattress see how your body adjusts and if you decide it's not the best fit you are welcome to return it for a full refund helix offers models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side like me or models with more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Helix mattresses all come with a 10 or 15-year warranty, depending on the model. Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. We've emailed Helix to let them know that two pillows, a little mononormative. Sometimes there's three people in a relationship. They're going to get back to us on that. We'll let you know what they say.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Go to helixsleep.com slash savage right now for 25% off your mattress and those two free but problematic pillows. Two. It's their best offer yet, won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now. We're going to take a quick break from your calls to speak with someone that if you're a regular listener of the Savage Lovecast, you are familiar with.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Someone who, if you are a regular listener of the Savage Lovecast, you probably already got her books on my recommendation and you've heard me quote her a million times. New York Times bestselling author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, recognized her. Here on this episode of Lovecast and everywhere else is one of the most insightful and original voices on modern relationships.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
In addition to writing her bestselling books, Esther hosts the hit podcast, Where Should We Begin? And is about to wrap up her sold out national tour evening with Esther Perel. Esther, how are you?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Tied to what you're here today to talk about, which is your new online course, which launches in September. And we're going to talk about that in a second. But really quickly, maybe I have a brand new listener today who hasn't heard me talk about You, about your books, Mating in Captivity, The State of Affairs.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
There's something that you said once that just struck me, and it's one of the things I repeat all the time to listeners and callers. I just wanted to unpack it with you really quickly, if we could, before we talk about The Art of Desire. And that is, the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I don't think there's anything that you've said that landed with quite the boom that that did. Because the way we have been socialized to understand somebody touching somebody else with their genitals is that guy or that woman is the bad guy. And if everything we need to know about the problem in this marriage... That tells us everything that we need to know.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And that simple statement of yours, recognizing your years of experience, couples counseling, working with couples in crisis about infidelity, that the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage. How did you come to that? And when you first said it, I think during your TED talk, did you feel like you were going to blow people's minds?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
New court filings revealed that Matt Gaetz, not a drag queen, a MAGA congressman from Florida, attended drug-fueled sex parties with a 17-year-old girl. There's the Diddy stuff that I haven't even begun to dive into. And then there was the CNN scoop about Mark Robinson. I talked about him at the top of the show a couple of weeks ago.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
One of the things I love about your work is how nuanced and complex you can allow relationships to be. And when there is an affair, there is this impulse to look to, if people are willing to look past the affair and look at the relationship, to pathologize the relationship. If everything was going great, if these people loved each other, if this was a healthy, functional relationship...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
An affair would not happen. You wrote a terrific piece, cover piece for the Atlantic Magazine, why happy people cheat, I think was the headline. And one of the things you addressed was the existence of people who are happily married, love their partners. They're not the victims of contempt or neglect or betrayal in other forms besides sexual ones. And yet they had affairs.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
He's the family values conservative who doesn't think there should be any exceptions for abortion except one for his wife and who thinks porn should be illegal but spends five nights a week in video booths at the back of porn stores for years and years. Remember that guy? Frank Bruni summed up CNN's report in the New York Times like this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
They cheated on partners, that they had monogamous commitments, that they didn't want to hurt and don't want to leave and do love. which seems an almost impossible thing for people to wrap their heads around, except if people sit down and read your work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
The narcissists and the serial adulterers and the like scalding unforgivable betrayal that can't... All of that. It can't be anything but an attack and a desire to destroy your spouse. But this, I think, is something I wrestle with and what I do all the time is that people have this impulse to have an affair for their own reason, to assert their individuality, to feel alive.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And the way we've structured marriage and relationships and commitment, those things are in conflict.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
But how do we build marriages so you can have commitment, intimacy, but also have those adventures that make you feel alive? And of course, people in open relationships that are functional and some open relationships aren't, they seem to be straddling that divide or have resolved that tension. Right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Turns out Robinson frequented a pornographic website where he called himself a black Nazi, praised slavery, and boasted of various sexual proclivities and quirks. About those quirks, Bret Stephens, also writing the New York Times, said, I don't even know if we're allowed to discuss them in a family newspaper.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
that people who've made monogamous commitments and can't conceive of outside sex as anything but illicit or a betrayal can't quite do or get to.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Yeah, yeah. Well, when I'm listening to you, I'm thinking about something else that you've written, which is to desire is to want, and in the context of a long-term committed sexually inclusive relationship, the paradox or the problem is how do you want what you have? It's hard to want what you have. And I think there's this need in all of us
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
to be wanted by someone who didn't promise to want us all their lives, to have our desirability, our independence, our individuality affirmed, even if there's no acting on it, which is why you recommend, I recommend, For people in monogamous relationships, good flirting, good jealousy, to see your – you describe it in Mating Activity.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
When you see your partner through the eyes of another who is desiring your partner, who may be hitting on your partner because they didn't look for the wedding ring or they don't care about the wedding ring, but you know your partner is going home with you, that that can revive – your ability to see what's to want your partner again, to want them back.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And I do think that that's a powerful drive that we don't, we don't know what to do with, in committed monogamous, successfully exclusive relationships. Like how do you allow for your partner to want to be wanted by someone whose job it isn't to want them and make space for that and trust that you're not going to get cheated on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
There's no fair proof in your relationship, despite all the books you may have seen in the self-help sections.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Let's just say this is yet another case of self-declared morality being at variance with actual behavior. I'm not going to address at great length Robinson's comments about being a black Nazi, about how he would join the clan if the clan took black members, about how he wanted to see slavery come back. This is the man Donald Trump endorsed, calling him a modern day Martin Luther King.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
The gift of embracing that anxiety and living with it and living with the existential howling void of it is it really does solve for something else that threatens relationships, which is being taken for granted. That's right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
If you know your partner can leave at any time, could fuck anybody else at any time, then you know that you kind of, and I say this to people and sometimes it makes people mad at me, you have to earn your partner every day.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Okay, gay men, I think it's time. I think we need to stage an intervention for all of our straight girlfriends. I came to that conclusion after reading about the affair of sorts between New York Magazine star political reporter, 31-year-old Olivia Nuzzi, and 70-year-old anti-vax brainworm sufferer, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I think there's something fundamentally transactional about all relationships and you pay in in an intimate, loving, committed relationship with time, attention, affection, prioritization, sex, you pay in. And to earn all of that back from that person, you can't take them for granted or take what they're bringing to you for granted either.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And so if you just embrace it, like, yeah, they're free to go at any time. And so I don't want them to go. And so I'm going to show up for them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I think your band is going to get signed. We've been talking for such a long time. We haven't talked about what you're here to talk about today, which is your new online course, where I actually think we may have a point of difference or contention here that we could unpack a little bit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Robinson, for his part, called Martin Luther King on that porn website, Martin Lucifer Kuhn. No, I'm going to leave that aside and drill down instead on the Barians. CNN, which broke the story, and the New York Times, and every other news outlet couldn't bring themselves to quote at length from Robinson's posts on that porn site because they're family newspapers and family news networks. Well...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
So when you do couples counseling, you're a psychotherapist, you work with couples, there have to be couples who come and sit down in front of you where you know, you can tell instantly, one of them doesn't really want to be there, but it feels like they have to be there, that they have to go through the motions, that this is what is required of them, expected of them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
It makes them a good person, that at least they're willing to show up and try to do the work, but they're not doing the work. Is that not also...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
version of that couple is going to come to this course where one person is done with sex doesn't want to have sex or doesn't want to fuck the person that they married anymore after 20 years and what they're told by the sex and relationship industrial advice complex is that you can get that spark back if you just communicate but what you can't communicate if you're the person who just doesn't want to fuck that person that you married 30 years ago anymore you can't say that
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
No, you don't. Yes. You're saying it through your behavior and saying, I don't know why this is a problem. Like the sparks gone out, but there's not going to be in some cases on the part of both parties, a good faith effort to, to do this work. There's going to be the going through the motions on one person's part because we've been together 25 years. It's terrible. We're not fucking.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
We should be fucking. And we can get the spark back. There's a million books in the relationship self-help section about getting the spark back. And where I've come to lately is like, I think what we need to say in addition to like, here's how you can get the spark back is for some of you motherfuckers, it's not coming back. Now what?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Companionate marriage, open marriage, divorce, and everything that entails. Everything you are as a married couple after 25, 30 years is not just we fuck and we got married. We fuck with rings on. That's not what a marriage is after decades and decades and children and mixed finances. It's all those other things.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And so if it's going to be a sexless marriage, how do we in the sex and relationship industrial advice complex who really do –
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
This ain't no family podcast. If you are listening in the car with your kids, and I kind of wish you weren't, you might want to skip ahead. If you're eating lunch, you might want to put that sandwich down. And if you suffer from intrusive thoughts, you're going to want to skip ahead for your own sake. Here we go.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
elevate this idea hold up as a goal like getting you two fucking again how do we identify those couples where that's not just going to happen ever especially help the one who still wants to fuck their spouse who doesn't want to fuck them get to a place where that marriage feels healthy and functional and loving and intimate again even if the sex is never coming back because the spark is out permanently i actually am completely aligned with you but i have done this
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
This comes up all the time in Savage Love, where one person wants to not be a cheating piece of shit, wants to be ethically non-monogamous. A sexless marriage, like haven't had sex for a decade, and goes to their partner and says, obviously I'm committed, I'm not going anywhere.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I'd like to have permission to discreetly seek sex outside the relationship because our relationship isn't sexual anymore. And they get, no, you made a monogamous commitment. You signed a, I guess, sex life mutual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
A monogamy commitment imposes on both sides. The assumption is I will meet your sexual needs and only I will meet them, but I will meet them. But when you're done meeting them, people do have it in their head that monogamy in a sexless marriage means that you don't get to fuck anybody else or get to fuck ever again if I don't want to fuck you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
That you have this power to unilaterally declare someone else's sex life over if they were fool enough to make a monogamous commitment to you. And these are where I get in trouble sometimes with my readers because my catchphrase is do what you need to do to stay married and stay sane. in that context.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Like if you go to them and try to do the right thing and get the okay and you don't get the okay and it's still sexless and it's not something they want to work on, they don't want to take Esther Perel's Art of Desire course with you. I think you're freed from that commitment and you're allowed to take care of your needs.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
This is Mark Robinson, Family Values Conservative, GOP nominee for governor of North Carolina, born again, saved, evangelical Christian. This is Mark Robinson writing on the porn site Nude Africa. The piss thing is more common than most people think. I have a fuck buddy that loves to lay on her stomach, spread open her ass, and have me piss all over her asshole and pussy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Can you get that from someone you've been married to for 30 years?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Esther, thank you so much for coming, for demeaning yourself by coming on my dumb podcast. I really appreciate it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I loved chatting with Esther Perel and we went on for a lot longer on the Magnum version of the show. She took a call with me. We talked about when relationships become police states, the difference between sex and eroticism and so much more. Subscribe to the Magnum for one month and you can listen to my entire interview. with Esther Perel.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
You can also binge as many magnums as we've ever made, including, of course, this one with Esther, for just eight bucks. And if you like it, you can keep subscribing or upgrade to a year-long subscription for cheaper at savage.love. Check out all Esther Perel has to offer, including her courses on Desire, her fabulous podcast, and her books at estherperel.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Oh my God, I'm in such a hurry. I don't even have time to record this ad for Squarespace. But that's exactly why I need and use Squarespace. Because if I had to build and maintain my own website, I'd be even more of a harried mess than I already am. But whoa, deep breath. I don't have to worry about my beautiful website. Because I'm already using Squarespace, so I've got time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I'm going to slow down a bit. Start a completely personalized website with the new guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint. You choose from a professionally curated layout and styling options to build your own online presence with your own special sauce. And if you're trying to make some money, you can sell exclusive content on your site by adding a paywall to sell memberships or courses.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
and pay later with Afterpay and Clearpay. It's so easy. Head on over to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
The longer and hotter the stream, the more she loves it. It goes on from there. It gets worse. I am not going to read the whole post. It's on Twitter. Easy to find if you want to read the whole thing. I want to move quickly on to the most telling thing Mark Robinson posted on that porn site. But first, and for the record,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
No gay man, off-grinder particularly, goes into a first-time same-sex experience for a bicarious guy with an expectation that there's going to be a ring on his finger a week later. Most gay men who would be up for that, and they're your situation. There's not just gay guys out there who would be chill about that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
There are gay guys out there who would be psyched to be your first dude, the first dick in your mouth, the first dick in your ass, or the first ass you buried your dick in. There are gay men who... live for that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I do not have a problem with people who want to piss on or in their sex partners so long as their sex partners want to get pissed on or in. I have a problem with people like Robinson who don't practice what they preach in public. Robinson condemns gay people and trans people. I'm not going to play another clip of Robinson shouting in front of a church filled with his Republican supporters.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And so you need to disinhibit around your marketability, your desirability, and be as honest with anybody that you might wanna hook up with as you were with that one guy who reacted so positively. And yeah, you're probably gonna have to do this on Grindr. I have a friend who went to a big party this weekend where he observed that nobody picked anybody up at the party
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
But the next morning he talked to a bunch of his friends who all went home and then got on Grindr where they recognized people from the party that then they hooked up with later. Yeah, that is kind of how the dick is had for a lot of younger people these days. You don't walk up to people in person and talk to them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Everyone should read Leo Herrera's book on analog cruising and get better at this again. Even if you met them in public, you get on Grindr later and then you send them your dick pics and talk about what you'd like to have happen. you might suck at it. You'll definitely suck at it. Give yourself permission to not be great at it the first time and you'll feel less anxiety.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And no guy is going to expect you to be the best cocksucker that they've ever had their cock sucked by when it's the first cock you've ever had in your mouth. The fact that it's the first cock you've ever had in your mouth is some compensation for the possibility that the blow job won't be as good as the blow job that guy's gotten from other guys who've had a million dicks in their mouth.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And it's not nothing as compensations go for a lot of guys, that would be pretty exciting. So yeah, you're how old are you? It's in here in my 32 years old. You've been bi curious for a decade. I get it. I remember first time I saw it, I was 16 years old.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I was a nervous wreck right before, during, right after I probably wasn't that great at, well, actually I was told I was pretty good at it anyway. Yeah. Give yourself permission to be bad at it. Be honest with the guy that you want to get with about how inexperienced you are. Any guy who doesn't want to be your first. is going to decline to be your first.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
If they know they're your first guy, then you're going to have to pick through the guys who would be psyched to be your first or your second and meet up with them. And you know,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
One thing you might have to let go from all of your previous sexual encounters, relationships, being with women, is this idea that you've gotten into your head that what women want to see if there's going to be a sexual encounter is that there's a possibility for a relationship there. That even that first sexual encounter is a step toward that relationship escalator.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
That's not what guys are looking for on Grindr. You don't have to worry about getting into bed with some guy who's secretly hoping that you will marry him. No guy off Grindr meeting up with a 32-year-old bi guy who's never fucked a guy is thinking about the wedding. They're just thinking about the dick. Time for listener feedback.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says Compass, I so enjoyed listening to John and Maria. My husband and I are not into BDSM, but we do like to share each other with others. Not a frequent experience. Once every two or three years. That works for us. Cheers, though, to a lovely couple.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Please, Dan, more interviews with those who have made their shared desires work for them. I really like what are you doing? Well, Compass, you'll be glad to hear then that we are planning to do more what are you doing's in the future. Says Jonathan, I've got to say I'm not convinced that a vasectomy wouldn't change the look slash taste of cum.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I promised Nancy I wouldn't do that to you again. So I'm going to quote him. There's no reason anybody anywhere in America should be telling any child about transgenderism, homosexuality, any of that filth. And yes, I call it filth, says the man who pisses on assholes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
I understand the argument from low percentage by mass or volume, sure, but salt or hot sauce are low percentages of a dish and omitting them changes things recognizably. But, says Applescruff909, as somebody who has ingested both pre- and post-vasectomy ejaculate, I submit that in my experience, the flavor did not change.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And finally, ByDanFan, after listening to last week's intro where I mentioned that Christian conservatives used to fear that boys with long hair would turn other boys gay, ByDanFan said long-haired boys had the opposite effect on her. We could remind the Christians that boys with long hair have stopped me from being a lesbian. All right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
For more listener feedback of The Print Variety, check out Struggle Session every Thursday where I respond to listener and reader comments and post a letter that isn't going to make it into Savage Love, the column, and let my subs give advice. And now, drumroll please, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
we're gonna leave it there we've got three ways for you to get us your questions or comments for future shows you can record your question or comment directly onto our website at savage.love slash ask dan or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email your question or comment to q at savage.love or you can call our landline and leave us a message at 206-302-2064
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Hump is halfway through its fall tour. This weekend, you can catch Hump 2024 Part 2, 25, brand new, never seen before, amazing, hilarious, sexy, shocking Hump films. You can catch the show in Seattle, Albuquerque, LA, Missoula, Madison, and Toronto. If you can't make it to a theater or Hump isn't coming to a theater near you... You can stream Hump online at home.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
In a shocking turn of events that anybody who was paying attention to sex scandals over the last 30 years could have seen coming, Mark Robinson loves himself some trans porn. quoting from a post of Mark Robinson's On That Porn site, I like watching tranny on girl porn. That's fucking hot. It takes the man out while leaving the man in. Yeah, the post concludes, I'm a perv.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Go to humpfilmfest.com for tickets to a screening or to get streaming passives. And while you're there, click on Submit a Film to find out how you can get your dirty little movie with my Dirty Little Movie Film Festival Hump. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow Esther Perel on threads and Instagram at Esther Perel Official.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Check out her website, EstherPerel.com, where you can find her books and her podcast, Where Shall We Begin? Also on all podcast platforms and learn more about her new online courses by clicking on courses. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at Risk Youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week with an installment of the Savage Lovecast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Now, we still don't know exactly what Mark Robinson was doing at the back of those porn shops and those video booths where he spent five nights a week for years and years. And I will admit that when the news broke that there would be news breaking about a Mark Robinson sex scandal, that's what I expected to find out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And I expected to find out that he was sucking dick back there because that's what people go into those video booths to do. We have no proof of that yet. But this detail, that Robinson loves trans porn because it takes the man out while leaving the man in, And by that he means leaving the dick in. Solid circumstantial evidence that Robinson likes dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Now, most of the time, gay men and straight women are in agreement about who's hot. Chris Hemsworth, for example. Gay men and straight women all agree, hot. But there are guys out there that only straight women think are hot and they're usually not great guys. Guys like Vince Vaughn. I assume he's a lovely person.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Straight men, straight identified men watch trans porn for the dick. They like dick. They don't like men. Trans porn in a way trans washes dick. It gives them dick, girl dick, without giving them man attached to that dick. Similarly, straight identified men who sit in video booths at the back of porn shops They want dick. They don't want dude.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And the dicks that come through the holes in the walls? Glory hole wash dick? Not attached to a dude either. Disembodied floating dicks. Oh, and now we know that when Mark Robinson called Michelle Obama a man, he was rubbing one out. Michelle Obama a man? Mark Robinson wishes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
What we have here in Mark Robinson, besides another Trump endorsement designed to make Trump look like a sober statesman by comparison... is yet another case of a man externalizing internal conflicts.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
When someone's professed morality, as Stevens put it, is in conflict with their behavior, they can either reassess their morality or they can loudly condemn others for enjoying the same moral transgressions. Like all those preachers out there that we've covered over the years who railed against the filth of homosexuality before they got caught with rent boys sitting on their faces.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Amazingly, Robinson's scandals, plural, aren't disqualifying for the GOP base. Biden was forced out for being too old, but Robinson was not forced out for being too much of a perv as he described himself. Indeed, all those family values conservatives, and I can't believe I still have to call them that, are rallying around Robinson.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
The revelations were greeted with shrugs, reports the Washington Post by Republicans in North Carolina. The real winner in all this? Congressman Mark Green, Republican of Tennessee. You haven't heard of him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
He's the chair of the House Homeland Security Committee and he's getting a divorce from his wife of 30 plus years because, sigh, the family values conservative, had an affair with a much younger woman in Washington, D.C. and fell in love with that woman and is leaving his wife for that woman.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
His wife said to Politico, he pushed God out of his life, me out of his life, and developed friendships with other congressmen, having affairs and getting divorces, drinking parties, all while holding a weekly Bible study in the basement of our home. The green sex scandal, with its overlapping layers of hypocrisy, would have dominated the headlines for weeks.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
He is a powerful Republican congressman and a towering hypocrite. But it just can't compete in the world Donald Trump has created. Trump has defined deviancy down, exiled decency from the Republican Party, and here we are. So congrats to you, Mark Green. You won the week.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Vince Vaughn starred in a string of hit comedies in the 90s and early 2000s and straight girls made him a sex symbol and they have never taken responsibility for that or apologized. Gay men, of course, we never thought Vince Vaughn was hot. We have nothing to apologize for on the Vince Vaughn front. 37 different straight women had sex with Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
All right, coming up on today's show in the free-for-all micro savage love cast, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me on the micro and the magnum, the great Esther Perel is in the house. She is the psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author of Mating in Captivity and State of Affairs. She hosts the hit podcast, Where Should We Begin?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And she's here to talk with me about a new online course she's launching this week to help couples get that spark back. Esther and I talked about a lot, the difference between sex and eroticism, infidelity, when relationships become police states, forgiveness, and whether some couples can get that spark back, and a lot more. A lot of my convo with Esther is on the micro.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
You're going to get a lot of Esther on the micro this week, a lot of the guests. But to hear all of my conversation with Esther Perel, you're going to have to become one of my subs by subscribing today at savage.love. All right, let's get to that first call.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
This episode of the Lovecast is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website, blog, or online store. Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the makers of my mattress and your next mattress. Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. This is their best offer yet. It won't last long. Go get your new mattress. With Helix, better sleep starts now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Dipsy. Dipsy is an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women. Get an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
while he was married to his first wife, who sadly committed suicide after finding the list of other women who found her husband irresistible. And now Nuzzi has nuked her career for him. She was placed on leave from New York Magazine after the affair she was having with Kennedy, the affair of sorts, whose campaign she was covering at a time seemed to be boosting, was discovered. Look, I get it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
Everybody who heard your call, everyone who listened to your question wants me to say just one thing. Don't fuck this guy. Don't reward this bad actor with your pussy. Don't throw good pussy after bad dick. Yeah, you met up with him when you dumped him and confronted him. He seemed genuinely sorry.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
It's not actually that hard to seem sorry when you're not and to offer somebody a bullshit half-assed apology for the sexual assault. Many jurisdictions now, stealthing is sexual assault now. And he didn't even offer to Venmo you money for half of whatever the plan B cost. So I doubt he's sorry. And so, yeah, you should not fuck this guy ever again. You should not fuck this guy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
His bad acts should not be rewarded. But you should probably go ahead and fuck this guy. If I were you, I would probably fuck this guy so long as his assholery could be contained. Part of why you felt so violated when he did this first time is you were exploring the possibility of a relationship. And you were hoping this person whose dick was in you cared about you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And by removing the condom, he telegraphed that he cares way more about his dick than you do. And he won't even take responsibility for the horrible thing he did with his dick by paying for half the plan B or all the plan B or arriving with plan B in his backpack or whatever. The dick must be amazing. The sex must be really good.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
If you want to use someone who used you and you want to contain that or you feel like you can contain that, your feelings aren't going to get involved forever. I can certainly see doing that. I have certainly done that myself. You're going to make sure that condom stays on. Okay, you're going to need a stapler to make sure that condom stays on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
And this person has, this again, now I'm arguing against fucking this guy. He telegraphed you in that moment that he doesn't care about you, cares way more about his dick, that he will prioritize his own pleasure, that he will commit an act, in many jurisdictions again, of sexual assault.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 934
so that he can come inside someone who consented to sex in the condition that he wear a condom and not come inside them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
after hearing a few more of your stories about your performances and this club and other venues more open to attending, but I wouldn't push it right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You say you can respect other traditions, other cultures. All right. Can you respect... another tradition, another culture to the point that you never meet this guy's family. You respect his culture and those traditions enough to be his side piece forever, which is kind of what I think would happen here. You say you want something serious. You say you want a commitment.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
In an odd twist, the father of the student, Clifton Carmack, statutorily raped, was himself arrested. because he knew about the affair his son was having with his math teacher and didn't report it to the authorities. In yet another bizarre twist, child marriage is legal in Missouri.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I'm guessing after four months you weren't sending him funny marriage memes without an ulterior motive, but like, You were dropping a big hint there. And then the conversation went in a direction where you found out that this guy that you've been seeing casually for four months is married and has a kid. I don't know what the beginning of your relationship looked like. Was it casual?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You say he's getting his PhD and he has a side hustle. Maybe this was in his mind and, and he assumed it was also in your mind, a casual thing. And he didn't necessarily need to disclose this because he wasn't interested in anything serious. Wasn't available obviously for anything serious. And it turns out you want something more serious. And I sometimes joke about, not a joke.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I mean it laying your kink cards on the table at around six months. Well, here you are four months in and he laid his wife and kid card on the table. You say that he told you he's not sure he's going to get a divorce. Also not sure about whether or not he wants to give his marriage a shot.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
He's told you he's never lived with this woman or even been in the same country with this woman, but somehow they were together at some point long enough for him to impregnate her and And at this point, this tipping point, I'm beginning to think, not sure he's going to get a divorce. That means he's not going to get a divorce.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
That he may be now telling you what he thinks you need to hear to continue to date him, to see him, to hang out with him. And so respect for other cultures and traditions is great, but you also have to show, have some respect for what you want. out of a relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And it seems pretty clear you're not going to get what you want out of a relationship from this guy, who at the very least is going to be seriously encumbered for the rest of his life. Do you want to be with somebody who is supporting a family on the other side of the world if indeed he stays with you on your side of the world?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And if he doesn't divorce this woman, he can't marry you, and then how does he stay on your side of the world? I think to protect yourself, you need to look at this as a cultural exchange. You need to look at this as potentially a successful short-term relationship and enjoy how much more time are you willing to invest in this guy? You know yourself better than I do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Can you stop making an emotional investment in this person and just enjoy time and attention and someone to hang with and the dick? Until you meet somebody else.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I mean, if he's got a wife on the other side of the world, I think you should be free to date other men on this side of the world in case one might come along who wants what you want, which is a serious commitment and not a secret second family. And to be clear, you will be the secret second family. This episode is brought to you by Field.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
A bipartisan attempt this year to end child marriage in Missouri failed to make it out of Missouri's state legislature again this year. So in Moe, at the Moe, a parent can consent to their teenage child marrying an adult, which is not okay, but a parent... can't consent or even turn a blind eye to their teenage child having sex with an adult. Also not okay. Make it make sense, Missouri.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
It seems like so many of my listeners are talking about and using Field these days and with good reason. Field lets you have control of your matches, not some creepy algorithm. Field is an app where curious people come to connect. On Field, you have the breathing room to explore your own desires, free from gatekeeping. Here's what that looks like. You decide who and what you like.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Sifting through an avalanche of likes is exhausting. On field, you can filter your likes based on preferences like sexuality, desires, gender, and age. which makes it so much easier to cut straight to the likes from like-minded people. No algorithmic gatekeeping on Field. The only person who can determine what you like is you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
To honor the complexity of human desire, Field presents you with all options and leaves you in control of your experience. No pressure to swipe. If you happen to skip someone's profile, you can always ask to go back or undo your dislike at no extra cost. and you can bring your people along.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Field's new Constellation features lets you link profiles with your friends and lovers, so new connections will see who you are within your social context. Start a group chat and find your people with your people. There's no limit to how many times you can change your sexuality, desires, interests, or gender identity at Field.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
In fact, 62% of Field members evolved their sexuality, interests, and desires within their first year on the app. Whether you just moved to a new city and need to find a new community, or you're traveling and looking to meet new people, you can find a new bestie at Field. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
If you've been wondering about Field because you've heard so much about Field on this show from callers, not just from hosts, I, Dan Savage, recommend that you finally give Field a try yourself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Make it make sense. All right, another don't. You probably don't want to go see, if you're not me, the new production of Sancta, currently playing at the Stuttgart State Opera House, directed by Austrian choreographer Florentina Holzinger. It
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I have to reject one of your premises. You keep discussing a polyamorous relationship as if that is somehow antithetical to a committed relationship or the opposite of a committed relationship or not a committed relationship. A polyamorous relationship. with this woman that you describe as your partner. That is a committed relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
It's just not a sexually or emotionally exclusive relationship. So it doesn't sound to me like you have commitment issues. It sounds to me like you and this woman whose dog you killed are in conflict about your preferred relationship model. You want an open relationship, you want a polyamorous relationship, and what she wanted at the start and you were unable to give her
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
was a monogamous relationship. And so she, even though she's the one with another partner and you've only had a couple of flings, I guess, a couple of pieces on the side here and there, even though she's exercised her right as the partner of someone in an open polyamorous relationship to have another partner, it's not what she wanted.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And now, now that you killed her dog, you use a lot of passive language, like the dog passed away, you killed her dog. now that you've killed her dog out of her mouth comes being with you feels like being with an abuser, which is, you know, you would never tell someone to stay with an abuser. If that's how she feels, she should obviously end this relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
But the next thing out of her mouth seems to be based on your accounting of the exchanges that you've had with her after you killed her dog seemed to be that you owe her the monogamous commitment that she wanted all along. Or wanted at the start because you killed her dog.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
During the first two performances of the nearly 100-year-old opera about a nun, 18 audience members required medical attention after fainting or experiencing extreme nausea during the production, which, according to news reports and reviews, many of them very positive.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And I'm sorry, I don't want to say this about someone who's grieving the death of their dog at the hands or car of the person that they love. But that seems to me emotionally manipulative. That seems to me slightly opportunistic. Unless, you know, to be a little bit more generous, what she might be saying is right now while she's grieving,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
the death of her dog that you killed, she needs to be your sole focus.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And if that's the conversation that she wants to have and you're leaving that out, I don't see why at this moment you couldn't come through with, particularly as you don't have another partner, centering this relationship for, I don't know, the next three months, six months, while you work through the pain and the guilt and the grief and the horror of the death of her dog. at your hand's car.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
That seems to me, if that's the ask that she's made a reasonable ask, but if it's a gambit now, you know, if she settled for polyamory and it wasn't what she wanted and she's instrumentalizing the death of the dog or leveraging the death of the dog to get you to make the commitment you didn't want to make in the first place, well then obviously this relationship isn't going to work out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
But if what she wants at this moment is for you to temporarily focus all of your energies, emotional and sexual, on each other as you process the death of her dog, that's a reasonable ask. And you could maybe, and I think you owe her that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
But if what she's asking for is what you didn't want to give her in the first place, what you couldn't give her because it's not commitment you can't do, it's monogamy you can't do. What she's asking you for now is the monogamous commitment that you didn't want to make and conflated somehow with an inability to make a commitment at all.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Well, then obviously this relationship has tragically run its course and you're going to have to end it. We all have sleepless nights sometimes, and let's face it, if you are not having a little insomnia right now, you aren't paying attention. But at least I have, and you can have, the most comfortable place in the world to toss and turn, and that is my Helix Sleep Mattress.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection, that's ours, the newly released Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Features like all of Holsinger's productions, an all-female cast, and in this case, a live piercing on stage, unsimulated sexual intercourse, also known as just sexual intercourse, aka actual fucking, naked nuns on roller skates, and tons of blood, fake and real.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
joining me to help tackle this question, because why not? Des Bishop is a touring comedian whose newest special, of all people, is out now on YouTube. Hey, Des, thank you for coming on the show. Oh, it's great to be here. Lovely to virtually meet you. I saw your special and wanted to have you on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
It's hilarious because despite your very heteronormative material, very heteronormative material that you do, you gave some really great sex advice, period sex advice for young men, straight men on handling rejection, advice on navigating casual hookups for guys with one ball. You are a straight dude, a tall, good-looking, straight white man. So...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Mercifully, unlike some other shows directed by Holtzinger, her production of Sancta, an opera about a horny nun who asks to be walled up in her convent for her sins, this production of Sancta doesn't feature as previous productions directed by Holtzinger did, quote, fresh excrement, close quote.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You would know better than I how best to surprise a straight dude with a sex move.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Or a fundamentalist Mormon compound kind of marriage. Like, how do you surprise the polyamorous straight dude with two girlfriends?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I get this question a lot and I kind of hate it where people are like, tell me a thing to do. Give me a sex assignment that'll blow my partner's mind. And my first thought is always shit in his mouth. I bet that would surprise him. He won't see that one coming. Tell him you wanted to rip you and then shit in his mouth. There's no surprise.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Like you can't just ask somebody else to assign something to you to do to your lover that will work for them. Like I, you know him better than me or Dez does. You can make a better safe guess about what he might like if it's not shitting in his mouth and bust that move. Like I can't actually help you here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You don't want to traumatize him. You don't want to pick off a fingernail in his butt or something.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
That is good advice to like one up to go like one step further on themes that have already been incorporated into your erotic dynamic to like push things a little further rather than hit them with something from left field because you just never know what's going to work for someone or what's going to traumatize someone.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
The show, which premiered in Austria earlier this year, has been accused of insulting the Catholic Church and Catholic sensibilities.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
That's what he's watching. When they say he likes to watch, he means them. Yes. Like he's already winning here. Like how many cherries on this Sunday does this one guy get?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Or maybe he's got a weak heart and they're in the will and they're trying to induce that heart attack by shitting in his mouth. By busting a move that he did not see coming. Yeah, people ask me this question all the time. Like, assign me a sex toy. And it's like, I'm sorry, I can't. do that, like a vibrator is like the basic first rung. But people are like, give me something crazy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And I'm like, well, sex toys are subjective. Like a roll of duct tape for some people is a sex toy. For most people, it's a hostage situation if it's being applied to a human being and not a sexual situation. And so I can't just like... give people random sex act assignments or kink assignments or sex toy assignments. It's got to be what works for you, works for your partner.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
One way we keep things positive and upbeat at the top of the show every week is by talking about the do's. What to do, where to do it, who to do it with, or with whom to do it. But this week, we're opening the show with some don'ts. Don't fuck your students. I'm talking to teachers here, but if you are going to fuck your students, I guess do be pretty and do be straight and...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
But as Holtsinger, who won't cast dancers that can't urinate on cue, as she told The Guardian, her production of Sancta is, quote, "...an exploration of the kinship between Catholics and BDSM practitioners, two groups that, again, quote, share a belief that joy and pain are intimately connected and those who suffer will find redemption."
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And ladies, you know him better than Des or I do. What do you think will work for him? That's one level up like Des says.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I love it when listeners and readers of my column jump into the comment threads of my website and let us know how it played out. So ladies, let us know how this plays out. DM us pictures. Des and I will keep them private. I will share the comments. Doesn't, does only. But you know what?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I bet they want their comments shared with the world because this is one of those calls where people are, you know, maybe it's a genuine question. Like I said, I get this question a lot, but it's also like a kind of look at me question. Like, look at us. We're winning here. And you guys are. You are.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
One thing that came up in your show that surprised me, because your whole intro, the beginning, your affect, like the straight white dude, tall straight white dude, you go after the straight ladies for their heightism, which is you being an ally to short guys because you're a tall guy. So thank you for your allyship on behalf of short guys everywhere. I'm also a tall guy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You talk about a finger in the butt and like not a lot of straight kind of white dudes your age would feel comfortable admitting to any anal penetration in their comedy special. Why did you go there?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I'm not accusing you of joke theft. That is a joke I made in Savage Love, my column, like 30 years ago. That straight guys, at least then, I think straight guys are more evolved now and able to experience pleasure now in ways that straight guys, when I first started writing Savage Love, weren't.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
They thought there was a switch that could be flipped in their butt and they could accidentally turn themselves gay if somebody put a finger in there and bumped into that switch, which is, of course... not how it works.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I am not going to be in Stuttgart during the run of Sancta at the Opera House, but if I were, it would be a do for me. If anyone out there listening saw the now sold-out production in Stuttgart of Sancta, please give us a call and let us know what you thought. And finally, the biggest don't of the week for young straight men out there. Don't take dating advice from Stephen Miller.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I'm really grateful to say that I get the question, is my boyfriend gay or am I gay from straight guys who discovered they like butt stuff or like their nipples played with a lot less than I used to get that question.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And if he's comfortable enough with butt play and doesn't think it's going to accidentally make him gay because there's a button in his ass that's the gay button, then she might think it makes him gay because. Yeah, well, that's it. You know, and then send me a letter. Is my boyfriend gay? My boyfriend has to think that he's gay, right? Because a straight guy couldn't want that ever.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And it's not true. You say that you're a butt guy in the show. You say you're not a ball guy. And it's a hilarious bit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
bit and a hilarious story that you share and you know what we're not going to talk about it i'm going to tell people that if they want to hear you're not a ball guy story they need to go watch oh they're special on youtube now and it is worth it it is fucking hilarious um and a little maybe a little traumatizing what you're sharing there. Yeah. Yeah.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
That's Bishop's new special of all people out now for free on YouTube. He co-hosts the podcast burner phone with his wife, Hannah burner, who wants a kid, which I guessing comes up a lot on the show you host with your wife.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Well, great. Thank you, Des, so much. I really loved your special. You're hysterical. And don't be self-conscious about it being very heteronormative. We want comedy clubs to be safe spaces for heterosexual people too. Thanks. Thanks so much. And thanks for having me. More of my conversation with comedian Des Bishop is on the Magnum.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Become a Magnum subscriber right now and hear it all at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Miller is Donald Trump's most odious advisor, which when you look at the people who surround Trump is really saying something. Miller was the architect of Trump's family separation policy, a stain on our country right up there with Japanese internment camps.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
So you're literally contemplating breaking up with your girlfriend of 10 years and to avoid hurting her feelings by being direct about the fact that her personal hygiene habits are slipping for some reason. Do you see how crazy that sounds? Don't you think if you were her, it would hurt more for the woman that you've lived with for 10 years, who loves you, who thinks you're lovely?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
To break up with you? To leave you? To avoid having an awkward, honest conversation that might have hurt your feelings? Look, you've tried gentle suggestions. You've tried light inquiries. You've tried playing clue. Professor Plum in the conservatory with the tooth floss. You gotta stop. You gotta be direct. This is why...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
As people age, people in long-term relationships, people in marriages tend to live longer and remain healthier over time than single people because there is someone there to say, hey, stop complaining about X and go to the fucking doctor already.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
There's also someone there when it comes to personal hygiene practices to say, hey, I have noticed you have stopped flossing, stopped brushing your teeth regularly, and this doesn't just impact you. And if you were single, it wouldn't matter, but like your breath stinks and you got to go floss and brush your teeth. We will go do that together.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And stop with the gentle suggestions about maybe we could possibly think about one day before we get into bed, taking a shower together, perhaps. Doesn't that sound like fun? And say to her. You stink. I've said that to my husband and he hasn't left me. And my husband has said the same thing to me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Sometimes we can't smell ourselves and we need someone to look at us and say, oh my God, you need to go brush your teeth. And that person isn't going to be a coworker. It's not going to be your employer. Ideally, it's not going to be a neighbor. It's not going to be hopefully somebody on the bus. It's not going to be. a telegram from the president on your 100th birthday, it's got to be who?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And Fox News host Jesse Waters, who thinks there's something gay about using a straw to drink a milkshake because you gotta suck, had this exchange with Miller when he was on his show earlier this month.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
It's got to be you. It's got to be the significant other. It's got to be the person that you love and live with and rely on to look out for you and to look out for what's best for you, which includes flossing and brushing your teeth. Your teeth all don't rot and fall the fuck out of your head, which includes saying things like,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Hey, you need to go take a shower because I really want to be close to you. And this is getting in the way. Your butt stinks sometimes. All our butts stink sometimes. I'm sure my butt stinks sometimes. You can soften the blow by saying this. I'm sure sometimes I stink. And you know what? If I stink, you can tell me. I want you to tell me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
If I stink and I didn't realize it and I need to go jump in the shower, but I am right now telling you that, and I'm going to keep telling you that. So fuck gentle suggestions, fuck light inquiries, fuck playing clue. Start laying it down. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment thread at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Says PB5KJ, to the woman whose husband wants to explore jerking off with guys and maybe an MMF threesome, she should read former Lovecast guest Jane Ward's book, Not Gay, Sex Between Straight White Men. It's a fascinating eye-opening look at men's interests in and need for sexual contact with other men, no matter how they identify.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
By Danfan weighed in on whether sending a plus one on a wedding invitation to somebody you know to be polyamorous is polyphobic. Speaking as a poly person says by Danfan, if you are in a triad and everyone in the triad knows the couple, then the triad is the equivalent of a couple for the sake of a wedding invitation. But most polyamorous relationships are not triads.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
If I have more than one partner and receive an invitation with a plus one, I would pick the one who knows the couple best. Every additional person costs the couple, inviting you to their wedding, money is what a lot of people seem to forget.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And finally, says Crin Reads, to the caller whose queer son objects to his mother reading MM romance novels, as someone who is an avid reader of queer romance by all different types of authors, there is definitely a subset of straight female authors who are writing fetishizing or objectifying MM romance novels.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And they are doing it because there is a subset of straight female readers who are buying it. Okay, Crenn reads, point taken, but seems to me, even if every MM romance novel written by a straight woman for other straight women fetishizes or objectifies gay men, where's the harm?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
It's not like these straight women are going to treat the gay men they date as objects because gay men aren't going to date them. And a woman who reads MM romance novels, probably less homophobic on average than a woman who doesn't.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
So while I see how this might be cringe, and we all know how sensitive teenagers are to cringe behaviors, particularly coming from their parents, I don't see how it's a problem. All right, for more listener feedback and to try your hand at giving some advice yourself, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
where I respond to listener and reader comments and post a letter that isn't going to make it into Savage Love and you get to give the advice. And now, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and listeners get the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Well, let me give advice to any young man that's out there. I'm married now. I have children, but I wasn't married that long ago. I was single. I was in the market. If you're a young man, it's very important in election season who's looking to impress ladies, to be the alpha, to be attractive. The best thing you can do is to wear your Trump support on your sleeve. Show that you are a real man.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And we're going to leave it right there. We've got three ways for you to get us your questions or comments for future shows. You can record and upload your question directly onto our website at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline like it's 1999 and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Hump 2024 Part 2 screens in Baltimore this weekend at Creative Alliance before heading to screenings in New Orleans, Vancouver, and Palm Springs the following weekend if you need something. Take your mind off the news, the election. An evening of sexy, funny, kinky short films will do just that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
For tickets to a Hump screening near you or to get streaming passes and watch Hump in your very own home, go to humpfilmfest.com. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow Des Bishop on Instagram and threads at Des Bishop. His new comedy special of all people out now and available to watch for free on YouTube.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You can also hear him co-host the podcast Burner Phone with his wife, Hannah Burner. And a very special thanks and shout out to the popovers for the intro music, the theme music we play each week here on the Lovecast, as well as the outro music you're listening to right now under my voice. Tim, we still love you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at-risk youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week with an installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for tuning in.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Show that you are not a beta, right? Be a proud and loud Trump supporter, and your dating life will be fantastic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Okay, first, no one is getting text messages from women who are horny about Stephen Miller. Those women, those text messages do not exist. Matadors? Sexual matadors? What's a sexual matador? A matador frustrates, torments, and then kills a bull, right? So I'm not sure what a sexual matador is supposed to be, but it's definitely someone women would run from, not toward.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And I'm sorry to be the bearer of, I think, good news. Being a loud and proud Trump supporter, if you're a man, isn't going to get you laid. Wearing your Trump support on your sleeve, per Miller's advice, will only result in you having a fantastic dating life if your idea of a fantastic date is an evening at home alone with your phone in one hand and your dick in the other.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And I have data to prove it. According to a new poll from Generation Lab that surveyed 1,000 American adults between the ages of 18 and 34, fully 45% of women would not date a man who voted for Trump. Only 17% of women would be willing to date a man who voted for Trump. And dating is about odds.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And in a sexual marketplace where your actions and beliefs are repulsive to almost 50% of the people you might hope to date and only attractive to 20%, Yeah, you are not going to do well. As Matthew Iglesias put it, Matthew Iglesias, writer, sub-stacker, big stats and trends guy, young men should know that if you vote for Trump, you're basically never going to get laid.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
This is an alarming trend that we've noted here on the show before. More and more young men are supporting Trump. More and more young men are identifying as Republicans. while more and more young women are identifying as Democrats and liberals and progressives and supporting Harris. The gender gap that's always been there, Democrat, Republican, is now a chasm.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And increasingly, young women won't compromise. They won't date young men who vote for adjudicated rapists like Donald Trump, which is going to result in the short and long run in more unattached, unmoored, single young males in our society, which is dangerous and destabilizing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Do be a woman and do be fucking your students in the state of Missouri.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
As sociologists and political scientists have long observed, single males with no romantic prospects are easily radicalized by populists and authoritarians. Which is why Stephen Miller is going on TV and encouraging young men to do exactly what will ensure they never get laid per Iglesias.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Still, I hope, I do hope, young men backing Trump take Miller's advice and wear their support for Trump on their sleeves. Hell, I want them to staple those red hats to their heads. Because that way, young women who don't want to date Trump supporters, most of them, most young women, will be able to see those Trump supporters coming. Oh, and the election, two weeks away, two weeks from today.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
That's the lesson I'm drawing from the case of Haley Clifton Carmack, who used to be a math teacher at Lekay High School in Lekay, Missouri, until she got caught having sex with a 16-year-old male student and got caught using other students as lookouts while she was having sex with that 16-year-old male student, who she marked up by leaving deep scratches all over his back.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
If you're in an early voting state, please vote now if you haven't already. And while we're on do's and don'ts, do vote Harris, do vote blue, no matter who. Don't vote for Trump. Don't vote third party because that's also a vote for Trump. And voting for Trump, the ultimate don't. All right, on the show today, tons of your cues, lots of my A's, and our guest this week, comedian Des Bishop.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
We talk about his new stand-up special, sex moves that might surprise a straight man like him, straight guys into butt stuff on the receiving end, play parties, and so much more. There's a little of my conversation with Des on the micro for all of my convo with Des, and ad-free shows and invites to Savage Love Live and more perks. Become a Magnum subscriber right now at savage.love.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
All right, let's get to that first call. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the very best mattress designed with your comfort in mind. Right now, get 20% off a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Clifton Carmack was arrested and prosecuted, but somehow she's only facing three months in prison. I'm thinking a male teacher, gay or straight, who had done the same and, like Clifton Carmack, had fled the state to avoid arrest. Yeah, that math teacher would have gone to prison for a lot longer than three months. For the record, 16 is the age of consent in 30 U.S.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
I'm really glad for you that you found this outlet burlesque and that dancing and becoming a part of the burlesque community and meeting some people who are out and by and non-binary helped you find the courage to tell your husband something that that you'd known all your adult life, that you're bisexual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
But listening to your call, I just... awakens the social conservative in me, or just the conservative in me. I'm not a social conservative, not at all. Because I just kept thinking about whether this is the right time not to...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
have your own individual passionate pursuit of dancing and burlesque, but to force this issue with your husband around public sex, around opening up your relationship, around you wanting to go to the sex club, not as a performer hustled into the green room and then onto the stage, but as a client, as a guest, as an attendee of a sex party,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Because you have an infant, you have a one-year-old a year, nine months ago and change you and your husband decided scramble your DNA together and have a baby. And so the stakes are really high here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
It's not just about you and not just about your husband, not just about you two as a couple, as a going concern, but you two as parents who have taken on together consciously the awesome responsibility of seeing this kid through to self-sufficiency. Having an infant, I think it's a really great opportunity
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
statement about who your husband is that he and you two together have made the time for you to go out there and Do burlesque and get back in touch with your body and I think it's great. I think it's really imperative for parents even new parents not to lose their sense of themselves and their individuality in their identities as Parents, I think it makes parents better
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
calmer, more confident, loving, and attentive parents to their children when they still have some time off alone or together. But an infant, a one-year-old, you're still in that really high pressure, high intensity relay race stage, right? of parenting where this kid is with one or the other or both of you at all times.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And one or the other or both of you together need to be paying attention, taking care of the kid. And it's like a baton that's constantly being passed back and forth. And it's really stressful. And so I just, I worry for the kid that if you march in there and give your husband the speech, I want to eat some pussy. There are some sexual adventures that I want to have.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
But I want to go on together with you, including going to this place that you just told me you're kind of squicked out by. Even if there's a low probability of that conversation ending in a kind of relationship extinction level event, that low probability is still a high consequence, potentially. So I would encourage you to slow your roll. Next year and a half, at least. So the kid's a toddler.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
Now, particularly as you have the kind of husband who steps up and does his fair share, hopefully his equal share of the child rearing, and to the point where you have nights off to pursue this passion of yours, credit to your husband, credit to you, but you not take that for granted. And you wait a bit. You wait until it's not too high pressure. And then...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
states, but it's 17 in Missouri. But even if that student of hers had been 17, it would have been a crime in Missouri regardless, as it is a crime for teachers in Missouri to fuck students. And by law, the student's consent, even if they're 17, cannot be used as a defense. Nor can the parent's consent.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
You can say to your husband, who may have marinated on it a little bit. A lot of people, when it's not their idea, you know, a kink, a place to fuck, a thing to do, will have an instant, ooh, no, I would never.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 938
And I encourage people when somebody lays their kink cards on the table and they're not your kinks, not to say no, which kind of sex negative culture teaches us to say, no, not for me, not the thing I want instead to say, Oh, cause you don't know how you might feel six months or a year down the line after you've thought about it. And so, yeah, maybe a year from now, your husband will be like, Oh,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I used to limit myself to one or two male models with shaggy hair. If I stumbled over a new male model with shaggy hair I wanted to follow, I had to unfollow one of the two I was already following. But the pandemic broke me. I figured life is short and long hair is hot and now I'm following, I don't know, four dozen, five dozen guys, at least with shaggy hair.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
If you were going to be worried, what would you be worried about? You'd be worried that I suppose you two at a year have a monogamous commitment. So maybe the worry is that if they're alone together in a hotel room in Europe, they will fuck. And she's not his ex-wife. You said they never did the paperwork. They've lived apart for 25 years. Yeah, there's a risk.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
They could be alone in a hotel room in Europe and fuck each other's brains out. But how is that not a risk every day? They're best friends. They have adult children together. They are still in each other's lives technically, legally. They're still married to each other. If they wanted to fuck, they would fuck.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I mean, maybe being on a bike trip to Europe and staying in these hotels, maybe they'd catch some sort of groove and a rantic spark. Fuck for old time's sake. Yeah, I guess the odds are higher. So let's just directly address that worry head on. You've been dating this guy for a year. He has a complicated relationship or not complicated. He has a relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
His ex-wife is, or he's not his ex-wife, is he says to you, his new girlfriend, his best friend, Okay, maybe he fucks his best friend every once in a while. That sometimes happens. How would you feel if your relationship wasn't sexually exclusive? Address that anxiety and fear with him head on. You need to have a conversation with him about what it is that you're doing, what your relationship is.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And if you require sexual exclusivity, can you trust him to honor that commitment regardless of where his not actually ex-ex-wife happens to be at the moment? Yes, this trip will throw them together in a way that maybe daily life at home doesn't. And so it might up the chances of some let's rub one out together or fuck the shit out of each other. For old time's sake, it could up those chances.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And let's worst case scenario this. How would you feel if that happens? Would you feel so betrayed that you couldn't possibly continue in this relationship?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Okay, well, then maybe this guy isn't the right guy for you because there's always going to be this nagging fear in the back of your head that because of the intimacy he shares with his best friend, not ex-wife, that they could wind up fucking again at some point. And if that's really important to you that he not touch anybody else with his penis ever, especially her, then...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Maybe this relationship brings too much tension and anxiety into your life for it to be a good or healthy one. Also, I got to say, not to pour poison in your ear, but if she is his friend, best friend, they're not intimate. It's not a sexual romantic relationship anymore. Why couldn't you come on this trip? Has he introduced you to his ex-wife as his new girlfriend?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
have you had these conversations with him? If you say to him, like, look, I'm afraid you're going to fuck your ex-wife, but I'm hoping we have a sexually exclusive relationship. What does he say? He's like, oh my God, I would never fuck my ex-wife. The sex didn't work when we were together. Like what comes out of his mouth? And is it reassuring? Or do you feel like you're being played?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
If it's reassuring, maybe you could take him at his word. If you feel like you're being played, maybe you should end the relationship. And if you say to him, like, I'm a little confused. I understand you've been planning this trip for a long time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I was sort of hoping I might be able to go with maybe because, you know, it was already being planned when you met and to actually for you to go, he would have had to invite you after only knowing you for six months or seven months. And that felt too soon. Like if he said that to you, would that help you understand why you weren't invited?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
But in the future, you went on another trip like this with his ex-wife who is his best friend and not his ex-wife and Can't your girlfriend and your best friend spend time together, hang out together, bike through wine country in France together? And let him know that that's what you expect or hope in the future.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I lay the blame for my thing about guys with long hair and shaggy hair at the feet of or the split ends of all the shaggy haired pop stars of the 1970s that I imprinted on so hard during puberty. Peter Frampton, Jim Morrison, Jackson Browne, Andy Gibb, Leif Garrett, David Bowie even. And my God, have you ever seen a picture of a young Keith Richards? It's worth a Google.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You know, if you're going to have a relationship with him and he has a best friend, well, then you're going to have a relationship with that best friend too. And if you can't, or if it's weird, if you'd have a relationship with the best friend, well, that That's the problem. So, I mean, I can understand why he may not have invited you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I can understand why he may not have spoken to you directly and honestly about why it's not fun in a new relationship to say to somebody like, I'm still not sure about you. Like, I really like you three, four, five, six months in, but I'm not sure I like, like you enough for 20 days to alone together with all my other friends on a European holiday.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Too soon for that kind of invitation at six months. Maybe it won't be too soon at two years. Maybe the next time he goes on a trip like this, you will be included. And maybe hearing that from him now about this trip that you are being excluded from in ways that kind of make sense, possibly, if you think about it from his angle, will be more tolerable for you. Anyway, lots to think about.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
The person you talk about with these things that you're thinking about right now, him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I even had a crush, I am now prepared to admit, on Barry Manilow, the man who wrote the songs Mandy, Daybreak, Can't Smile Without You, Looks Like We Made It, Copacabana. I had a crush on young Barry Manilow with his soulful eyes and his blonde, shaggy-haired, floppy mullet. The Barry Manilow who did shows with Bette Midler and Gay Bathhouses in New York in the 1970s. That Barry Manilow.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You are not the first woman I've heard from. who went to their husband, asked the husband to open the relationship. Husband agreed on the condition that it was open on both sides. And because it's so much easier for women to get dick, because we live with a dick surplus at all times, than it is for men to get pussy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Mostly the fault for that can be laid at the feet of men who make it dangerous for women to be as impulsive sexually as men feel free to be impulsive sexually. The wheels come off the open relationship because the husband's watching the wife... get dick after dick after dick, and he can't get anything. He can't find anything.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And what's always missing from these calls, from questions like yours, is any indication that the wife made any effort to help the husband out, which you shouldn't have to do. You shouldn't have to do that emotional or sexual labor. He should get out there on his own and Find other sex partners on his own.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
That's something that he should be able to pull up his big boy pants and go and do for himself. But... It is harder for married men to find women who want to sleep with them than it is for married women to find men who want to sleep with them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And it is, if this is where the open, the agreement that you came to, to open the relationship is going to fall apart, if this is how the wheels are going to come off it, and you're going to have to shut it back down, which you don't want to do, or you're going to have to live with an angry, wounded, hurt husband, it's in your own self-interest maybe to assist.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You know, a lot of women are uncomfortable sleeping with married men because they think they, they assume they must be lying or, uh, well, that just, they assume they must be lying about being in an open marriage and it can help that guy convince women that he is indeed in an open marriage and that his wife approves and that he is a good and trustworthy guy, uh,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
If his wife is with him at the swingers event, with him at the play party, with him at the soft swamp, whatever, with him at the hotel takeover, your presence at your husband's side, which you shouldn't have to do. And again, I'm suggesting you might want to do it, not for him, for you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Other women will perceive that as an endorsement, as you vouching for your husband, which it sounds like you would be more than willing to do. You've had a great and healing sexual relationship with your husband over the decades. He sounds like a good and trustworthy guy. But a lot of women out there who might just... want some, want a piece of him, they can't know that for sure.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Anyway, all of this somehow brings me to my favorite follow on Instagram, Christian Nightmares, at Christian underscore underscore Nightmares.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And because men are testosterone-soaked dick monsters, it is dangerous often for a woman to sleep with a man on a hunch. But you there, at the play party, at the swingers event, at the hotel takeover, and I do think women in your position, couples in your position, might want to go to some organized swing events together
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Your presence could help your husband get more pussy, which would then make your husband feel a little bit more comfortable and less cheated or cheated on by you getting all the dick you want to get at this stage of your life. So look, I know women do more of the domestic labor, more of the childcare, more of everything. And adding this to your plate seems cosmically unfair.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
insult added to that injury hopefully your division of domestic responsibilities has been more egalitarian and fair and maybe you could wrap your head around doing this again I want to say for your husband but I also want to say for you because if he was a little more successful he would be a little less resentful of your success and that's petty and he should be able to let go of that
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
But it's hard. It's hard for people. There's something, after 20 years together, there's something sibling-y about even a marital relationship. And that sibling dynamic kicks in where mom gave you more ice cream than I got. And that shit is ugly and stupid, but it's there. And how do you diffuse it? You diffuse this little bit of marital sibling rivalry by being your husband's wingman.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
It's an account run by someone who was raised in an evangelical Christian household and now uses his various social media platforms to re-examine his fundamentalist Christian upbringing and expose the weird, to use Tim Waltz's wonderful word, the weird excesses and obsessions of evangelical Christians.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You could go Tim Waltz on their asses and just tell them to mind their own damn business and they don't need to know what's behind the secret door, but that might pique their interest. Look, you're adults. You can say to people, we have a sex room. You don't have to tell people what kind of sex you're having in that sex room.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
My God, there was a whole Netflix series with people building sex rooms with the help of an interior decorator and a contractor in their houses. I don't think it's that taboo or insane anymore. Especially for a gay couple to say, yeah, that's our fuck room. We have sex in there and it's private. And yeah, so that door stays locked. And then dot, dot, dot. They don't need the details.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
They don't need to know that you change each other's diapers in there. I got a question a couple of years ago from a couple of guys in Illinois, my home state, who have a giant dungeon in their house, but they also both have their parents living nearby. And their parents are really curious about why they can never go in the basement. And then they finally took my advice.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Actually, I responded to a letter from them in my column and just told their parents, it's our fuck room. And their parents lost all interest in seeing the basement. And the mystery was solved. Sometimes just knowing why you can't go in the room is enough. And it won't come as a shock to the people in your life to know that you too are fucking. They don't need to know what you're wearing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
They don't need to know about the binkies or the rubber pants. But that you're fucking and that you have a room dedicated to the fucking is enough. Often enough. And that doesn't work if you guys can't bring yourself to say even that. You could get a sliding bookshelf. You could disguise the door.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You could put a giant mirror on a track in front of it and make it look like a hall mirror that when you guys want to get into that room together, you just push it aside. People typically don't run through people's houses seeing if there are secret doors, moving bookshelves, sliding mirrors, and your secret and your playroom will be safe.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Christian Nightmares, says BuzzFeed, is the best place on the internet to find creepy Christian shit. Hashtag not all Christian shit is creepy. Hashtag not all Christians are evangelical weirdos. Hashtag not all Christians. Hashtag not all Christians are nightmares. But it was on Christian Nightmares that I learned that my guy, Barry Manilow, is possessed by the devil.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And I just want to also say, like, I'm so glad you guys found each other. used to be really hard for people with rare or niche kinks that a lot of people don't understand, like ABDL, to find partners. It used to be that people with rare niche kinks would date people that they assumed to be vanilla and would eventually have to have this conversation where they disclosed their kinks
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
My advice for them was always, you're not telling me I have leukemia. Don't roll it out like it's a tragedy. You're telling them that there's something interesting and exciting about you and you're open to hearing about what's unique or interesting and exciting about them, that these are not cancer diagnoses when you're going to tell someone about your kinks.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
It's Christmas morning and these are the presents. That's hard though. Like people would share their kinks and still get rejected. Now we have the internet. It's made it possible. I get these questions about how do I disclose my kinks so much less often now than I did
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
20 years ago, even 10 years ago, because the internet is the great disclosing of kinks machine where you're allowed, you're empowered to sift and sort through the world to find the people. If you have a really niche kink that's important to you, that's central in your erotic inner life to your erotic imagination to find other people who share it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
So you have that baseline and then you get to explore whether you're emotionally compatible, you want the same things out of life. And if you want to buy a three bedroom house and turn one of the rooms into a an ABDL nursery as you guys have.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
So you didn't say how you met, but I'm guessing that your relationship is one of those un undersung, not unsung internet success stories that we need to sometimes bear in mind because every day the news is full of internet tragedy stories. So glad you guys found each other. Tell people they're not allowed in that room for sex reasons.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
It sucks to even think about much less suggest as I'm about to that you revise the rules, the conditions that you laid down in your relationship and your sexually exclusive relationship to make space for or accommodate your partner's lies, their willingness to deceive you to get what they want, which I guess in this case was a kiss and a phone number.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
But if you want to stay in this relationship and you said you want to stay in this relationship, you said you love him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
you need to figure out a way to set rules and conditions for outside, not sexual contact, but sexual attention, affirming sexual attention, flirting, whatever, that don't become an engine of conflict in the relationship, that you don't lay down rules that your partner has already proven to you he can't honor. You could leave him, you could divorce him, you could go find somebody else who's
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Or he was at least when he sat down at his piano and recorded I Write the Songs. Christian Nightmares recently posted a clip from a Christian podcast where pastors gather to examine and expose the hidden messages in popular music.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
better at monogamy or better at obeying whatever rules and conditions you want to lay down for some limited amount of outside erotic, if not sexual contact. But if you want to stay with this guy, obviously he's willing to break these rules or likely to break these rules.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And so maybe if he's not going to go, if you're not going to get rid of him, if you're not going to go, maybe those rules need to go. The, you got to tell me about it. I'm not sure how that would be very functional if he's somewhere and he's about to start flirting with somebody, is he required to text you and ask for permission?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Or is it just that if he flirted with somebody at a work event or in a bar that he has to run home and immediately disclose that to you? And I would ask you in the past when he obeyed that rule and disclosed it to you, how did you react? Sometimes people say you can fuck around outside the relationship or flirt or whatever or grind on people on a dance floor. You just have to tell me about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And then when their partner comes home and tells them about it, they have a meltdown each time. And it really disincentivizes disclosure. So I would put it to you and other people who say it's all fine so long as it's disclosed. Okay, so when it's disclosed, how does that go? How do you react? Are you giving your partner the freedom to do this but then
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
retaliating against your partner when they do. And I don't know if you're doing any of that. I'm just speculating here based on a lot of other calls where there was this kind of, you gotta tell me about it rule. I'm not sure you have to tell somebody that you're in a relationship with if you're allowed
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
or not allowed even, everyone's entitled to his own erotic autonomy, that you flirted harmlessly with someone. This wasn't harmless flirting. This was the exchange of phone numbers. This was an opening that allowed him to contact this person in the future. He kissed this person, also not allowed. You have every right to leave his ass over this, to divorce him over this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I wouldn't divorce somebody over this. Somebody cheats on you once or twice in 50 years together. I think they were good at monogamy, not bad at monogamy. If somebody made out with somebody else in a bar once and then disclosed that to you, pretty good at monogamy, not perfect at it, but still pretty good. 10 years, pretty decent track record. But what is this rule breaking here?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
What does this violation tell you about this relationship? You told me that he lies to you all the time. Okay, that's on him, that's shitty, he shouldn't do that. If he can't obey these rules, if these rules aren't something that he can navigate within, then he should tell you, these rules don't work for me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I don't want to have to disclose everything, maybe in part because he reacted badly to disclosures in the past. Maybe he just doesn't want to. Maybe he just wants to feel that sense of himself as an individual and an autonomous individual and exist in that zone of erotic autonomy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And if he's coming home and plowing the sexual energy into you after he gets revved up from the affirmation of some other woman flirting with him, it's to your benefit, disclosed or not disclosed. But if he's getting phone numbers and making out with bitches and bars or whatever, What does that say? What does that tell you about his intent?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
What does that tell you about what the next decade might look like? Because that's tiptoeing up to the infidelity abyss and throwing your shoes in, not quite throwing your entire self in yet, but it's a sign that these two rules might not be the only rules that he, I don't want to say has broken, don't want to pour poison in your ear, but may break. And you guys need to have a talk about that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You're free to go. You can divorce him over this. I wouldn't divorce a guy over this knowing what I know about men and knowing what I know about the guy you might wind up with after this guy. But if you're going to stay, you two together need to come up with rules that he can realistically
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Two to 5% of semen of ejaculate is composed of sperm cells produced in the testicles, which is crazy to contemplate because there's like 100 million, 200 million sperm cells in a single teaspoon of ejaculate. And yet all of those sperm cells, those tens of millions, hundreds of millions of sperm cells, just two to 5% of the total volume of ejaculate.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
The rest is water, plasma, and I'm sorry to say, ladies, mucus secreted by the seminal vesicles, a pair of glands. Great name for a punk band, seminal vesicles, or drag queen. And the prostate gland, and something that I cannot pronounce, the bulbarorethral gland.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
That's the gland that makes the mucus, the pre-cum that zaps urine residue in the urethra, makes the urethra less acidic, which makes it more... Welcoming and hospitable environment for the sperm cells that are passing through it if a guy hasn't had a vasectomy on the way out into the world, out into the vaginal canal, out into the rectum, down the gullet, wherever it's going.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Your sister could not tell the difference. It was psychological. It was in her head. Now, I'm assuming that your sister and her husband, he didn't go get a vasectomy two weeks after they met, that they were together for a long time and... had kids and they decided they didn't want to have any more kids, or they decided they didn't want any kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And at some point, years and years and years into the relationship, he got a vasectomy. Men, as they age, the amount of semen they produce, its viscosity, the total semen, not just the sperm cells, changes. So it may just be a coincidence that as his semen was changing as he aged,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
He also got a vasectomy and your sister credited the slight change in flavor to the vasectomy to the absence of these sperm cells when it was just two different things happened at once. So yeah, your husband can get a vasectomy. It is not going to change how his semen tastes. It really isn't. That is some kind of weird placebo effect or you just, you know it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You know there's something different and so you're... don't know, playing semen sommelier at that moment and trying to perceive if you have detected a difference when you haven't. I'm sorry. No one's palate is that refined. So you're hoping can safely get that vasectomy if you're done having kids and you can continue to enjoy swallowing his cum and the taste won't change. I promise you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
all right time for listener feedback first up some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love says frank dan in your discussion with jill filipovich you said you were a boomer but not a real boomer because you were born very late into the boomer generation I am just a few years older than you, Dan, and there is a name for us, Generation Jones.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
It describes boomers like us who came of age in the 70s and 80s rather than the 1960s. I looked it up. Generation Jones has a wiki page. If there are any other barely boomers out there like me and Frank, You're going to want to look up Generation Jones and read about it. Finally, we have a demographic designation that makes sense for us.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Lots of comments about my conversation with Mike Peska, host of The Gist, which was our last Sex and Politics. Mostly about the ever-contentious plastic straw issue, but some comments about the question we tackled together, the one from the high-end sex worker who wanted a romantic partner.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
but wanted that romantic partner to pay for absolutely everything just like her sugar daddy does, says Thingamajig. Massive eye roll directed toward the caller. You want a partner who picks up all the checks and spends lavishly on you? Yeah, so do I. Sadly, I don't have the attributes, physical and otherwise, to convince anyone to give me that kind of deal.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Congrats if you do, but that is not a kink or a fetish. You're just looking out for number one. Well, I don't know. Benefit of the doubt to the caller, fin dom is definitely a fetish and it's not just subs who get off on it. But I will give you thingamajig that the line between kinky fin doms and plain old avaricious greedy motherfuckers is a blurry one.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And finally, a comment from No Cute Name that I am not going to give any context for. If you don't know what this is in reference to, you will have to go back and listen to last week's show. Says No Cute Name, I just can't see ass eating as a substitute for mouth kissing. There's a lot more to No Cute Name's comment.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
A lot more interesting things that No Cute Name had to say about substituting ass eating for mouth kissing. But I wanted to share that opening line. I wanted to share that lead because I thought, you know... That is the kind of comment you will only find at savage.love. All right, for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday where I respond to listener and reader comments.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
There isn't a song on earth that wouldn't sound sinister with that kind of reading. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Satan. Happy birthday to you. These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. And one of these days, these boots are going to walk all over you. Go ahead and laugh, but in the book of Job, Satan says he was made for walking.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And for the rest of the summer, I am posting letters that were too long for the column and letting my superstar Savage Love commenters try their hand at giving some advice. Struggle Session, not behind a paywall for the rest of the summer. Check out the next one on Thursday.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And now, drumroll please, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part of the show where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, First, a quick comment on the news. If we're going to accept piles of dead kids in our schools, our political leaders are going to have to accept regular assassination attempts
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your juicy questions and your insightful comments for future shows. You can record your question or comment at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Or you can call our landline like it's 1982 and leave us a message at 206-302-2064. Our brand new lineup of Hump 2024 films is touring the US, Canada, and Europe right now. This weekend, Hump 2024 Part 2 has its final screenings in Portland, Oregon. Thank you to everybody who came to Cinema 21 over the weekend. Last two weekends. to say hi to me and enjoy Hump.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
We will also be humping in Berlin, Amsterdam, Montreal, Kansas City, Seattle, Olympia, Minneapolis, and Durham, North Carolina this weekend. There's nothing like seeing Hump in a theater with an audience. Go to humpfilmfest.com right now to get tickets for a screening in a theater near you. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Follow Marie and John on Twitter where you can check out their femdom, FLR, and cuckold content. They're on Twitter at dark-blue. Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at Risk Youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week with an installment of Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
on the earth walking up and down on the earth right there in the bible god tried to warn us about nancy sinatra but we didn't listen Another thing, Barry Manilow wrote a lot of songs, but he didn't write I Write the Songs. It was one of his biggest hits, but it was a cover of a song written by singer-songwriter Bruce Johnston.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
But it was Manilow's version that went to number one on the pop charts in December of 1976. I'm bad at math, but 2024 minus 1976 equals... 48 years ago? And these guys, these pastors who are constantly exposing the hidden messages in popular music, they're just getting around to this nearly 50-year-old hit song?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
If our leaders don't like assassination attempts, and they shouldn't, just like they shouldn't like piles of dead kids in our schools, our leaders really do need to do something about the guns. The guns are the problem.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Meanwhile, young and hot Lil Nas X is right there, literally giving Satan a lap dance, sitting on Satan's dick in the video for his smash hit song, Montero, Call Me By Your Name, which came out in 2021. Named one of the top songs of 2021 by Pitchfork Magazine, went to the top of the charts, won the MTV Music Video of the Year Award in 2021.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
and the constant exposures of satanic messaging and pop music. I guess they're not going to get around to Lil Nas X's Montero for another 48 years. That's how long it took them to get to I Write the Song, so we can all look forward to the slow and sinister, nightmarish Christian reading of Montero in, again, I'm bad at math, but I think 2071.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Right now, in the year of our Lord, 2024, they want us freaking out about sweet old 81-year-old Barry Manilow currently cashing royalty checks in Palm Springs with his husband. And he deserves every penny. Copacabana is a banger. This whole thing, I think, is hilarious and ridiculous, but in a way, charming. A reminder of a more innocent time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
A time when Christians were obsessed with hidden satanic messages and pop music and comic books. And with boys that had long hair. Really, 1 Corinthians 11.14, doth not even nature itself teach you that? If a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him. Long hair on men, those long-haired boys I lusted after in middle school or began to lust after or have confusing feelings about in middle school.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Turns out they were sinners. Turns out they were growing that hair out to do the devil's work. I'm not exaggerating. When I was a kid, Christians hated the hippies with their long hair and the rock stars and pop stars, the boys with their girlishly long hair.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Not the security perimeters they're in, not the bubbles of gun control they're lucky enough to live inside while the rest of us have to fend for ourselves, but the fucking guns that are everywhere. Guns that can easily pop the bubbles they're in. And if they're not going to do anything about the guns...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
They worried these girlishly styled boys would confuse or corrupt innocent young men, even boys in seminaries, boys like me, and turn us gay. And they were right, in my case at least. Peter Frampton and Leif Garrett, now tragically bald... They made me gay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Today's Christians, today's evangelicals, again, hashtag not all Christians are evangelicals, but today's evangelical Christians, the nightmarish Christians that Christian nightmares documents, documents the atrocities on all of his social media platforms. What are they obsessed with now?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
authoritarianism, forced births, Donald fucking Trump, putting Donald fucking Trump back in the White House, I would trade today's crazy, nightmarish, evangelical Christians, the Christians of my youth, the evangelical conservative Christians of my youth, that these guys on this podcast are
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
reminded me of and made me nostalgic for the ones who were looking for the secret satanic messages in the songs that Barry Manilow sang but didn't write.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
All right, coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me on the Magnum, by day, Maria and John appear to be your average suburban couple, but by night and on weekends, they create and share some of the hottest femdom and cuckold content on the internet. Maria and John, join me for a very special installment of What Are You Doing? All that coming up on today's show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I guess Donald Trump should take the advice he gave parents who were upset about school shootings. Just get over it, Donald. All right, in honor of Taylor Swift, we're going to shake it off, shake off the news and talk about something a little lighter.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Mask, masculine, is a perfectly legitimate gender expression for an assigned male at birth person. There is this... I don't know this attitude, this posture, this creeping sense in queer land that the only authentic, truly authentic gender presentation for someone assigned male at birth is a femme presentation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And the only authentic gender presentation for someone assigned female at birth is a mask presentation. And anybody who is assigned male at birth, whose mask is acting or performing and anyone who's Signed female birth whose femme is performing that gendered stereotype. It's just not true. For some people, kind of mask, not presentation, it's not an act. It's who they are authentically.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
It's perfectly legitimate. And queer people, least of all, should slouch around making assumptions about people based on their gender presentation. So look, I'm sorry some people have like said shitty things to you. People have certainly said shitty things to me. Welcome to being queer.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Sometimes people say shitty things to you about your sexual orientation or your gender expression or whatever else because they're shitty people or they don't understand yet. And maybe them saying a shitty thing to you is an opportunity to tell them a few things and educate them. But You are who you are. And bi pan, the line between bi pan can be pretty blurry.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I've always loved bisexual activist Robin Oaks' definition of bisexuality. I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge in myself the potential to be attracted romantically and or sexually to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree. That definition of bisexuality, to me, seems to encompass a kind of pansexual vibe.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
There are some people who think bi emphasizes a binary, but it could also emphasize, as Oaks does there, the binary between being attracted to only one gender and being attracted to more than one gender. That also could be a bit... bi binary without being only attracted to males or females or AFAB people or AMAB people, whatever. You're legit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
Although I am a little nervous to talk about this because it does mean talking about my number one favorite follow on Instagram, an account I want you to follow. But I don't want you digging through my follows looking for other accounts to follow because some of my follows are embarrassing for a man of my age. And station, full disclosure, I follow a lot of eye candy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
If you want to identify as bi or you want to identify as pan, and that's legitimately queer. Even if you're assigned male at birth and you have a mask, authentic gender expression, and nobody gets to tell you you ain't queer or take that away from you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
The fact that some people look at you, especially if you're with a woman and assume you're straight, that's a perfectly reasonable assumption for people to make. And so people are gonna make that assumption because it's gonna be correct most of the time because most people are not, most men are not bi. And so it's asking a lot of people to turn off that assumption making switch in their brain
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
I always say to people who are bisexual, bisexual men who are offended when people see them with a woman and assume that they're straight, which, again, most men with women are, I always bring up when I was a new parent and people would see me with my son and assume I was straight. I wasn't offended by that assumption, incorrect though it may have been, because it was a reasonable assumption.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
And if the person wasn't homophobic, it wasn't a malicious assumption. It was just... We move through the world making assumptions about the people we meet, the places we go, the things that we do. Some assumptions could be motivated by a kind of bigotry or a kind of ignorance. But ask yourself about the assumptions you might make.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
about other people based on the data available to you, based on what you're seeing, then I'm sure you've made the exact same assumption about some other bi guys that some people have made about you incorrectly, which was that you were straight or you thought they were straight and they weren't. So look, welcome to the club. You're a queer doe, just like me. We're both queer.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 933
You're a queer bi or queer pan. I'm queer gay. Your queerness is as authentic and you are as entitled to it as your mask gender expression is authentic and as entitled to that as you also are.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
I did an intro top of the show a couple of weeks ago about Mark Robinson, the odious piece of shit who the GOP nominated for governor in North Carolina, who is hanging out at the back of video, you know, in video booths and porn shops for years and years and years, five nights a week, video booths and porn shops have glory holes. Dicks pop through those holes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
People don't spend all night long, five nights a week in a video booth in the back of a dirty bookstore. Uh, Unless they want that dick to pop through that hole. Also, Mark Robinson obsessed with trans porn and said that he liked trans porn because he got the dick basically without the dude.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And I got this really kind of moving email from a straight male listener who heard me say that there are some straight identified guys out there who aren't into men, but they are into dick. So they like trans women who have dicks and they like glory holes in video booths because the dick comes through the hole and it's not attached to a dude. It's just this floating disembodied dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Dick, no dude. And that guy wrote me to say how affirmed he felt because no one had ever affirmed his identity. His identity as a straight identified male until he heard me talking about the particular kind of straight identified male he is at the top of that show. Your husband could be one of those guys, straight but aroused by the sight of dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Most straight guys who watch porn, they're looking at dick when they watch porn. Now, there are some straight guys out there who don't watch porn that have any men in it. They just watch... women's solo or lesbian porn, like seeing other dicks ruins it for them. But most straight porn has guys in it with dicks because dick isn't a deal breaker in porn as a visual for most straight guys.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And your husband could be one of those guys. And he wants to like, he's excited by the thought of jacking off with another guy while they watch porn together. And They're being dick around other men's dicks around. Okay. Worst case scenario. And my heart goes out to your mom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
That can be really traumatic to be married to somebody for years and years and find out this woman that the man that pretended he loved you and married you was gay. Heart goes out to your mom. Is your husband gay? Well, you say your sex life is pretty great. really good. You guys have a good adventurous sex life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
When you talk to women who are married to closeted gay men, you rarely hear we had a great sex life. Usually the sex was lousy and the woman for years couldn't figure out why it was lousy, thought maybe the problem was her, may have been encouraged to believe the problem was her by her lying closeted husband.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And to anyone out there who saw that tweet or sorry, that post to a certain social media platform and is currently pulling together a guest list for a wedding, which again is when the plus one thing comes up mostly. And there's someone you want to invite who's Polly and has more than one partner right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
I can't imagine in the wake of your parents' divorce and with how traumatized your mother was, you didn't end up having deep, dark, night of the soul conversations with your mom about what her marriage to your dad was like. What data do you have there? I'm imagining that if your mom shared anything with you, Odds are what you heard from your mom was she and your dad had not a great sex life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
So the fact that you and your husband have a great sex life, I think that argues against your husband being a closeted gay man. The things your husband telling you right now. interested in jerking off with another dude. Okay, maybe he's just into dick, disembodied dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
But also that he says he's curious about an MFM three-way and perhaps during that MFM three-way, some incidental contact between him and the other man. Well, that kind of points toward possibly bi. And since you're okay with him being bi, bi is the ultimate answer to the question here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
then I would encourage you to do what you're doing, to tell your husband to go get out there, find a guy who wants to hang out with him and be his jerk-off buddy and watch straight porn and be bros and blow loads.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And maybe if you are interested, you didn't say whether you were interested or not, but if you're interested and the right other M comes along, having that MFM three-way with your husband, and then see. Maybe your husband is coming to the realization or will come to the realization that he's had a reflexible or straight identified, but into dick or bi.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And according to you, all three of those options are acceptable to you. Just the gay thing. It's not acceptable to you. And I totally understand that. And again, if you guys have a great sex life, odds are really good. He's not gay. But all signs at this moment in your marriage point to not a hundred percent straight either.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
This could be the beginning of a whole new era in your marital sex life with hot, sexy adventures that you and your husband go on together that revitalize your sex life, revitalize your sexual connection, you're going to have to sit with the uncertainty right now. You're not going to have an answer to the question that you'd like to have. Is my husband bi?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Because we can't cut his head open and read the entrails. You're going to have to wait and see. As you know, ED is a topic that comes up a lot on this show. Your sex life is important. That's why I recommend HIMSS so you can feel confident knowing you can get hard and stay hard whenever you're in the mood. HIMSS is changing men's health care. Bye-bye.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And you think they might be the sensitive type who would take to social media to complain about you after they got that invitation with a just plus one on it. Yeah.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
If prescribed, your medication ships directly to you for free. No insurance is needed. Pay one low price for your treatments, online visits, ongoing shipments, and provider messaging. HIMS has hundreds of thousands of trusted subscribers. So if ED, erectile dysfunction, is getting you down, it's time you find the option that works for you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Start your free online visit today at HIMS.com slash SAVAGE. That's H-I-M-S dot com slash savage for your personalized ED treatment options. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. HIMS dot com slash savage. The products mentioned are chewable compounded products which are not approved by or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Look, in my experience, in my lived experience, which is the best argument and most unimpeachable evidence in these subjective times in which we live, in my experience, in every poly triad, let's call it, there is one introvert in that relationship who would rather stay home. So even if you plus two someone in a poly triad, you send out that invitation technically for three hours,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Prescriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plans.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
This is one of those adorable straight people problems because if you're gay and you're dating someone and he says, oh, I'm going to go, we can't hang out tonight for whatever reason. We've just met. I'm going to go hang out with my friend, Mark.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You automatically assume that he's hooked up with Mark because most gay guys, most friends of gay guys are people that they briefly dated or hooked up with once and realized that they were better as friends. than as fuck buddies or potential romantic partners.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
So the default assumption in gay land when you're this guy you just met and you started to have a bit of a crush on and you've been seeing for a few weeks is hanging out with friends. Yeah, he's hanging out with a bunch of guys who've railed him or that he's railed. They're hearing from you like, oh, this is adorable that you –
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You have to worry about this, that you can't just assume that when your girlfriend says she's seeing a male friend that she's seeing somebody that she's hooked up with in the past the way a gay guy would assume that when his new boyfriend is seeing somebody he's friends with that it's probably somebody he's hooked up with in the past. You don't even need to drill down or address it. All right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Look. there is this interesting stage in a relationship in between that first meeting and first few weeks and the D T R defined the relationship conversation where when you have that defined the relationship conversation, you may decide you're seeing each other exclusively, but until you have that DTR conversation, um, you're not in a committed exclusive relationship with this woman.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You've only known her for six weeks. I don't want to put this in your head, but if she's going to fuck this guy tonight, that's within her right. Because as much as she may like you, as much as you may like her, as much as you both may hope that there's something here, there's no, uh, commitment. This isn't a sexually or romantically or anything exclusively relationship yet. It might be.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And it always seems to me that when people define the relationship and commit and say, we're only having sex with each other, this is a sexually exclusive relationship. that they have to kind of leave that time period alone. Those six weeks, that liminal stage in between that first meeting, your first hookup, and the DTR conversation,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Only two people are going to show up at your wedding. And if it's a destination wedding, not even the two people who came wanted to be there either. Second thing I wanted to say before we get to the calls, thank you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Whatever happened during those 10 weeks stays in those 10 weeks.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You don't put each other under oath and start asking each other a bunch of questions about where you were and what you did and who you did in that stage because you don't have a claim on that person yet because it's not a committed relationship yet because you have not defined it as sexually exclusive yet and you are both right now free actors and it is fine that you have a
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Anxious attachment style. It's a fine thing to have. Many people have that. It's not a trump card that doesn't allow you to control other people just because you have an anxious attachment style, but also you aren't attached yet. Not officially. You're hoping that you may attach at some point and then you could ask your girlfriend to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
to be a little bit more sensitive and considerate about the fact that you get a little anxious about this shit. But right now your anxieties about where she is, what she's doing, who she's with, I'm sorry, they don't have force of law because you have not had the DTR conversation. You are not yet with this woman in a sexually exclusive relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
So you're just going to have to be Zen about this. If you like her and you feel that you can trust her and she's assured you that although she's fucked these guys in the past, maybe she's one of those people whose friends are all people that she's hooked up with in the past. Not just gay guys who roll that way. Some straight women roll that way too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
If you feel like you can trust her and she says, I'm not going to fuck this guy, believe her. After you have that DTR conversation and you do become sexually exclusive, don't ask her a lot of questions about whether or not she fucked that guy that night when she was still within her rights to fuck that guy that night if she wanted to fuck that guy that night. Just leave it alone.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Thank you to everyone who jumped into the comment thread on last week's show to share your FAFO stories, your fucked around and found out something good stories, reading about your sexual adventures and the risks you took and the good things you found out. after taking those risks, after fucking around. It was the best birthday present ever. It was just what I wanted. How did you know? Oh, right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Couple privilege. It's real. It exists. And I don't think as the married couple, as the couple that's been together longer and has invested more in your relationship, I don't think you should pretend that couple privilege isn't something you enjoy, but also isn't something that you're entitled to. You guys have been together for a long time. You have just recently opened your relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And along comes this third person who knows you're married, who knows that you've been together a long time, who knows it would be much easier for the two of you to walk away from her than it would be for either of you to walk away from each other. And those are just –
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
prices of admission that a third has to be willing to pay has to be realistic about recognizing that power differential to date a couple at all. And yeah, maybe that sucks. Maybe that's hierarchical in a way that's insidious, but it's just reality. And I think it's more insidious when people in established long-term couples who are married and own houses and have kids are
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You knew because I asked. Like I'm always telling listeners, the best way to get what you want is to ask for it. And I asked for it and I got what I wanted. So many great stories, including so many great Met sleazy stories, as opposed to all those Met cute stories we hear all the time. Met sleazy stories. My favorite kind of meeting stories. Thank you for sharing them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
lie to a third person that they're dating together about being an equal partner in the relationship. That's just not true because that's just not possible.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
I think it's much better for a couple to be on the same page about what it is they want, what is it they're open to, what space exists in their relationship for a third person, and then to communicate all of that to some third person that they like and they're dating. And I'm sorry, it does come down to a take it or leave it sort of situation. This is who we are.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
This is what we mean to each other. This is... how we've structured our open relationships so that our relationship doesn't fall apart, so that we're both comfortable and consenting to this open relationship. And there is this room and space in our relationship and our marriage for a third person. And if you'd like to be that third person, at least for now, this is the space available.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And if that's not enough space for you, or you feel constrained or secondary, then you're free to go over time. You know, when you're in a couple and you're with a third person and you've been together for years and years and years, and you're much more invested in the relationship, it's much harder to walk away from that relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Over time, that three-way throuple relationship can become more egalitarian. Certain decisions that two months in may have been the couples alone could five years in become the throuples together. Things like where to go on vacation, things like where to live or move depending on whose career requires a move or how to navigate that if it should come to that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Or, you know, if we're going to sell this house and buy a new one, you know, two months in, the third doesn't get a say. Five years in, 10 years in, we're going to sell this house and buy a new one that's where we're all going to live as we've been living in this house that we originally bought for two of us. The third gets a say.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
But what becomes for the couple instantaneous when they commit to each other, when they marry, that this is a partnership, it's just a reality, just a fact on the ground that if it's a committed throuple and a third is brought into an ongoing committed relationship, joins a going concern,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
That that equal say is something that over time the third person earns or grows into, but it takes, it takes time. So it was my advice to you as the couple and Terry and I have been that couple is to not fucking lie, to not tell somebody two months in three months in even a year or two in you are an equal partner with an equal say in the sorts of decisions a couple would typically make together.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You are a junior partner with a say. but a junior partner, say. And I think that honesty, so that people's expectations are realistic, can make that relationship resilient, strong, and make everybody in it feel safe and comfortable. And my advice to a third who's dating a couple, you're not dating two individuals. You are dating a couple, singular. And you can't rush that process.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Two things I wanted to quickly cover before we get to your questions and kick off this week's show. I logged back on to a certain social media platform after being mostly offline for the better part of a week. And the first post I saw was someone from one of my communities saying this, we need to talk about how giving people a plus one for events is low key polyphobic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
But you have to get there in time, whether you're dating one person or whether you're dating one couple. It takes time. This episode is brought to you by one of my favorite websites, Dipsy. Listen to this description for one of their all-American stories. Harper steps into the intensity of Logan's world when she attends her first ever... Cowboys game.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
But there's one story I wanted to highlight, Randy's FAFO story. Randy said it was a tame one, but you know what? It was a great one with lessons in it for a lot of us. The risk Randy took was an ask, not an act. After a cancer scare, he went to the wife and asked about opening up their relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
When Logan secures a last-minute victory, Harper joins him on the field for a celebratory kiss. Amidst the post-game frenzy, they steal a moment alone in the deserted press room. Dot, dot, dot. This one is under the category Dirty Talk at Dipsy and has the following tags. Her plus him, rough and wild, he doms, in public, spontaneous, and deep voice. Dipsy. Dipsy, what is Dipsy?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Dipsy is an app full of hundreds of short, spicy audio stories. If you are like me, if you prefer erotica, reading it, listening to it, Dipsy is the place for you. Dipsy brings scenarios to life with immersive soundscapes and realistic characters. At Dipsy, you can discover stories about second chance romances, adventurous vacation flings, and hot and heavy hookups.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And at Dipsy, there's a growing library of fantasy series with werewolves, Regency-era historical fiction inspired by you-know-what, and fairy smut. Who doesn't like fairy smut? Everybody likes fairy smut to help you explore the bounds of your imagination and your pleasures.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
I like this football direction they're going in, though, because jockstraps in locker rooms and because I saw Best Little Horror House in Texas at an impressionable time. New content released every week at Dipsy. So in between listening to your favorite stories again and again, you can always find something new to explore.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Dipsy offers a modern approach to romance through high quality and captivating audio fiction. For listeners of the show, Dipsy is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage. That's 30 days of full access for free. When you go to D I P S E A stories.com slash savage, let Dipsy know the love cast sent you Dipsy stories.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And then she opened up during that conversation about opening up that she was feeling increasingly ace slash aero. And seven years later, still together, still married, Randy and the wife. Randy dates other people. His wife does not. And they are in what he describes as a companionate and very happy marriage still. That got me thinking. Like most open relationships were monogamous at the start.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
I did three seconds worth of research and found this on Google. Most courts, yes, this could wind up in court if you have a custody dispute about this dog. Most courts see an animal as property. As such, the person who paid for the animal is the one who is entitled to keep them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Though this is not always set in stone, there are other considerations that may be taken into account, such as the non-purchaser's provision of other necessities. That would, I think, cover you since you're the one who's paid for animals. that and care of the dog and grooming and whatever else you may win a custody dispute with your ex-boyfriend and wind up with the dog.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
But if what you want is your ex-boyfriend the fuck out of your life, that winning of the custody dispute could be a Pyrrhic victory because it could come down a court. If this winds up in court, then sometimes these disputes do the court could grant you shared custody of the dog. And then he remains in your life because you're having to come to agreements about grooming and care.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And when the dog needs to go to the vet and splitting the bills and him dropping the dog off at your place and you dropping the dog off at his place, um, Fighting with him for the dog could wind up keeping him in your life, which you say you don't want. You say you want him out of your life, which means if that's your primary objective, you may have to let him have...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
his dog, the dog that you both agreed when you adopted it was his and he would get and get to keep if you two broke up as you now have. I understand why this is a torment for you. I have dogs, sort of. They're my husband's dog and his boyfriend's dog, but I am now a dog lover of sorts, a reluctant dog lover. I just love our dogs. I don't love your dogs.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Anybody out there listening, I don't like your dog. I like our dogs. And I understand what it's like to be attached to a dog. But you have to put yourself first here. And if this is an abusive relationship and the only way to get him all the way the fuck out of your life is So let him have the dog. For your own sake, you might want to let him have the dog.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And who knows, right now, if you two are fighting over the dog, the dog has become a symbol of power, control, retribution, vengeance. Whoever gets the dog wins, gets something over on the other person. And it may be that if you tell him he can have the dog and also tell him you don't think that's in the best interest of the dog,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Once you stop fighting over the dog, once it's no longer tug of war, once he's free to go with the dog, he may be able to see that it is in the best interest of the dog to let him stay with you, to let you have possession of the dog. But it's a risk. You may tell him he can take the dog and he may take the dog. But what are you going to do? Are you going to fight him? Are you going to go to court?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Most sexless marriages were sexual at the start. A lot of people have a hard time addressing the disappearance of sex from a long-term relationship, addressing it directly. And Randy's story is really a great example of a couple that successfully managed the pivot from sexual to companionate in an open and honest way.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Are you going to wind up with a shared custody agreement of the dog that keeps him in your life? Until the dog dies. I don't think that's in your best interests considering that this was an emotionally abusive relationship. Keep your word as painful as it may be to lose the dog, to not have the dog in your life anymore. Let him take the fucking dog. All right, time for listener feedback.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Tons of advice, so much great advice for the guy with the pregnancy fetish. Maybe Randy and I weren't the perfect people to answer that question. That's why it's great that so many Savage Love commenters stepped up.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Says Elm Syrup, I don't see why the pregnancy fetish was considered so weird by Dan and Randy compared to other types of fetishes. And if the caller puts his ask on a hookup app, somebody who's pregnant and willing to be objectified might respond. Says Marsh LC, setting things up so a pregnant woman would feel safe would be the hardest part, I think.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Women are vulnerable already and being pregnant on top of it, I would maybe... If I were that woman, want to bring a friend along, says Slam Ross. The pregnancy fetishist can look for pregnant sex workers. I have a friend who does sex work who did this. She was very busy during her pregnancy. And finally, says Pentatonic, I wonder if finding a woman with a curvy belly would work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
He mentioned rubbing her belly as a part of his kink and fake bellies didn't work for him, but maybe a curvy woman with a belly that he could imagine was pregnant would do the trick. A woman with a belly who's open to indulging his kink would be a lot easier to find, would avoid the complications that actual pregnancy can cause, and best of all, says Pentatonic, wouldn't have an expiration date.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
All right, for more listener-to-listener advice action, be sure to read the comment threads and comment in the comment threads on every week's show at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And for more listener feedback and my responses to listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday where I respond to listener and reader comments and post a letter I got at Savage Love that isn't going to make it into the column and let you guys give the advice.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And now everybody's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and my listeners get to have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
A pivot, most of us, if our relationships last decades and decades and decades, will eventually, if not for sexual reasons, maybe for reasons of physical limitation or disease or infirmity, have to make. We default into monogamy, many of us, when we get into relationships, not an active choice. A lot of couples out there slide into companionate without it feeling like an active or honest choice.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your questions and comments for future shows. You can record your question or your comment on our website at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Hump 2024 Part 2 screens in theaters in Nashville, Brooklyn, and Atlanta this weekend, Baltimore, New Orleans, and Vancouver. You're up next. If you can't make it to a theater for a hump screening, you can invite friends over and host a hump screening in your apartment, have a viewing party, and stream Hump at Home.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Tickets, streaming passes, and everything you need to know about getting your film into Hump 2025 can be found at humpfilmfest.com. And again, we're having a Savage Love Live this Thursday, noon West Coast, 3 East Coast. Check your email in the morning, Thursday morning, for the link subs, and we will see you there. Follow me on Instagram and Threads, at Dan Savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Follow me at Blue Sky, at Dan Savage. Follow Eli McCann on Twitter, at Eli McCann. Read his column in the Salt Lake City Tribune. And for more of his essays and humor pieces, check out his website, itjustgetsstranger.com. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at-risk youth and Nancy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
We will all be back at you next week with an installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Sometimes it's scary to address that disappearance of sex from a long-term relationship directly. It's scary to talk about it. Because it's a risky conversation. One person might be bitter or angry and suppressing a lot of anger and hurt, and the convo could surface all of that anger and hurt.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
But Randy's story shows that sometimes risking having that conversation can recenter the relationship in a healthy way. And that companionate stage you're in that you slid into can become a choice you've both made and can become a joyful new phase of your long-term relationship as it did for Randy and his wife.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Again, like I said, so many great stories, but Randy was the one that kind of touched me and I thought everybody should take a moment to read and think about. All right, quickly, before we get to the show, save the date, savage the date, our next Savage Love Live for Magnum subs this Thursday, October 17th, noon Pacific, 3 Eastern.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Savage Love Live, of course, is a special Zoom hangout exclusively for our Magnum subscribers. Not one of my subs yet and want to come to Savage Love Live, become one of my subs now at savage.love slash subscribe. And you too will get an invite to join us for Savage Love Live in your email inbox on Thursday morning.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me on the Magnum, lawyer, dad, author, and humor columnist for the Salt Lake City Tribune, Eli McCann is here. Eli helps me answer that age-old question, what do you do when your kid comes out as queer and you want to be supportive, but your queer kid is being a huge dick? What then?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And then I tell Eli the real reason why I invited him on the show. Eli was raised Mormon, lives and writes in Salt Lake City, often writes about the Mormon church. Who better to talk to about everyone's current reality TV obsession, the secret lives of Mormon wives than Eli. That's all coming up on today's show. Now let's get to that first call. This episode is sponsored by HIMSS.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at himss.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And my first thought as a person in a polyamorous relationship was, do we though? Do we really need to discuss this right now? There's a lot going on right now. I don't know if this is what we need to drop everything else and talk about right now. Look, I know the world is built for couples and that can create headaches for those of us who aren't coupled off, but rather tripled or quadrupled off.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Dipsy. Dipsy is an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women. Get an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Lots of people go to sex parties, sex clubs, public sex environments to look for people that they've never met before who might want to have sex with them and to approach people in these environments that they're attracted to and hit on them. But you can go to a public sex environment. You can go to a sex party. You can go to a sex club. And you can bring a date.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And you can go in there and just have sex with each other in this erotically charged environment where you're just showing off, maybe taking in some other people, where you're being the voyeur and the exhibitionist. And still... not having sex with anybody else, plowing all of that sexual energy and arousal and eroticism right into your monogamous partner.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
That is definitely a thing that people do. That is not an unrealistic expectation to have. What is going to happen in this environment is once you enter this environment, this is a place where you are – by entering this environment, you are signaling to others that you may – because most people in that environment are open to fucking around with other people that they don't know or just met.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
So you and your partner may have to – say no to people who have expectations or hopes. They saw you, you're hot. They think, ah, I hope I can get with them. And they may approach you and you'll have to tell them that they can't get with you. And you're not violating a social obligation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
You are violating, and not violating, you are swimming against the current of the social norm in that environment where most of the people in that environment are open to play with others, with strangers, with people they didn't arrive with. But no one in a public sex environment, no one in a sex club, no one at a sex party is obligated to sleep with anyone that they don't want to sleep with.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Look, my fellow poly people, when you get that invitation to the wedding and it's almost always a wedding where there's A plus one where you are invited to invite someone or bring somebody along with you. It's not so you can bring every emotionally significant person in your life to the event. It's so that you can have someone at the event that you know. So you don't have to come alone.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And if you and your girlfriend don't want to fuck around with anybody else, you don't have to. All that said, who knows? You might be inspired to the potential danger here, potential conflict is that one of you will want to, and the other won't.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
And one will be angry that the other was tempted or wanted to, or wanted to renegotiate the terms of what you guys were interested in doing or available to do while you were in the sex club. So before you go, if you're going in only to play with each other, you have to swear to each other that even if tempted while you're in the space in the moment that night,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
If one of you is tempted or Yahtzee, both of you are tempted, you're not going to bring it up. You're not going to renegotiate your terms, the agreement that you two made entering that space.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
If after you've been there, you have your little after action report, you tell each other how it felt, what you enjoyed, what you didn't enjoy, what you liked, what you might want to do next time, one of you or both of you want to bring that up, then you can think about it. But just, it's really dangerous.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
For a couple who've gone into a sex club or a sex party and sworn they're only going to play with each other, really dangerous to try to upgrade to playing with others in the moment. Because one person might really want to and the other person might feel pressured to. And that can have catastrophic consequences after the fact. When that post-nut clarity swamps you and the one who was sort of
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
ambivalent about it or a little reluctant but went along could wind up feeling tricked or violated. So just don't fucking do that. You go to that first sex party and I agree you shouldn't wait until you're bored or old or tired of each other or your sex life is falling apart to go.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
When you go to this party, young and hot lesbians, when you go to this party, if you're only going in to have sex with each other, only have sex with each other. And if other people approach you, they're not doing anything wrong.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Unless after you say no, where if it's kind of touchy environment, after you gently remove their hand, if one of them, somebody reaches out and starts touching you, if it's that kind of sex club or sex party, if they keep asking or keep putting that hand back, then they've done something wrong. But nobody's done anything wrong if while you're at the lesbian sex rave, somebody approaches you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
Somebody wants to fuck you. That's what everybody's there for. But if you're only there for each other, you only have to fuck each other. You don't have to fuck anybody else. Have fun.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 937
So you're not at a wedding where you don't know anyone. You don't have anybody to talk to. You don't have anybody to dish with. That's what the plus one is for. It's why people who aren't in relationships at all, who have no significant, at least romantically significant others in their lives are given a plus one. So they have someone, one, someone singular at the event with them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
But leaving, whether we're talking about leaving a shitty spouse or a shitty country, is always easier said than done. So I think we're going to do, I know I'm going to do, what most people in shitty relationships wind up doing. Staying and fighting.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
When I was coming out as gay, not the same thing as coming out as poly or coming out as non-monogamous. But when I was coming out as gay, I told my mom I was gay, but didn't tell my dad and told my mom she wasn't allowed to tell my dad. And I told one of my siblings I was gay, but told that sibling not to tell my other siblings and told some of my aunts, told them not to tell my uncles.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And eventually the stress of tracking who knew and who didn't know, uh, was so great that my mother came to me, my mother who originally didn't want me to come out to anybody at all, and told me I had to come out to everybody. I had to stop playing games. She told me, my mom was Amazingly insightful and articulate. She told me I wasn't coming out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I was yanking people into the closet with me one at a time. And that inspired me or that lit a fire under me and I came out to everyone. And I remembered that phase of my life listening to your call because you say you don't want to be deceptive or dishonest about your relationship model. And yet you don't want to be out to your parents.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
If you're looking for a little uplift, but not a distraction, Amanda Marcotte, senior political writer at Salon, past guest on the Savage Lovecast, wrote a great and surprisingly funny and moving piece for Salon this week, headlined, A Cat Lady's Survival Guide for the Second Trump Administration. Marcotte recommends divorcing your Republican husband.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
You don't want to be out to the parents of your daughter's friends. You just don't want to be out about being in an open relationship. And so if you told your kid that, Exactly what was going on. In a way, you would be yanking your kid into the closet with you and your husband. And the closet, as my mom told me at that moment when she said, you're not coming out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
You're just pulling us into the closet with you. My mom said in that moment, like, I get it now. Being closeted sucks. I don't like it. And I feel like you... may be burdening your child with keeping your secret. If you confide in your child or you come out to your child about where exactly her father is, rather than telling your child the vague little white lies that are easily told.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Daddy's away on a business trip. Daddy had to go home to help grandma with something. Daddy had to be at work super early today. There are kick the can down the road things you can say to a nine-year-old. Eventually, you will not be able to play these sorts of games with your kid. Eventually, your kid is going to figure this out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And this is a difficult place, a difficult thing to navigate for parents in open or non-monogamous relationships who are invested in in being perceived to be monogamous by friends, neighbors, other family members. You may be sexually not monogamous, even poly, but wish to be perceived as monogamous. You wish to function socially as monogamous. Socially monogamous is what you want to be.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And you reach a point where your kids are going to figure it the fuck out because kids aren't idiots and They live with you and they'll overhear things or they'll pick up on things. Usually that happens when the kid is an adolescent and that can be volatile because if the kid just gathers enough information to think dad is cheating on mom,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Then the kid faces this existential crisis where they either have to keep that secret for dad and they become complicit in what they perceive to be an adulterous affair. Or they have to go to mom and tell mom something mom might not want to know and something mom knowing could imperil dad. Their home life could blow up their parents' marriage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And so that's – it's just a really perilous time for folks in open relationships, for parents in open relationships who aren't out about being open or poly. That adolescence where – You know, you worry about your kid figuring it out or figuring out part of it and feeling terrible and conflicted. Or you tell your kid and you say you can't tell grandma.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And if you have a contentious or high conflict relationship or stage with your kid, coming out to your kid when they're 15 and telling them these are the people you can't tell, sometimes kids... can be vindictive. Sometimes kids can be shitty. Sometimes kids will weaponize a family secret to retaliate against their parents for parenting them. And so it's a difficult stage to navigate right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
You're not at 12, 13. You're not at 14, 15. You're at nine, nine year olds are fucking gullible. Nine year olds. You can tell daddy's on a work trip. Daddy had to work late. Daddy had to go to grandma's house this morning. Daddy had to be into work really early.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Again, easier said than done, although some people... are doing it. She also recommends that women never date a Trump voter. She stopped short though, of telling women as some women are doing right now in the wake of this horrifying, especially for women election.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And that's what I would do if I were you, particularly if you are not ready to come out to your parents or anybody else about being in an open relationship. Don't burden your child with keeping that secret for you. Don't make the mistake I made. Don't yank that family member into the open closet or the polycloset with you. This episode is brought to you by HIMSS.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
We still live in a sex-negative culture. Sometimes people make fun of erectile dysfunction or treat it like it isn't a problem worth taking seriously. But I take it seriously and so should you because your sex life is important. HIMS is changing men's healthcare by providing you with access to affordable sexual health treatments from the comfort of your couch.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
That's H-I-M-S dot com slash savage for your personalized ED treatment options. Let them know the Lovecast sent you hymns.com slash savage. The products mentioned are chewable compounded products which are not approved by or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if appropriate. Restrictions apply.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plan. We're going to take a quick break from your calls to speak with Jeff Gunther. You may know him as Therapy Jeff on TikTok and Instagram. He hosts the Big Dating Energy podcast and Problem Solved. His new book, Big Dating Energy, is out now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
So we had you on pretty recently to talk about your book and your back and sooner than somebody who was just on the show might be. And I'm just going to lay my cards on the table. I don't have a therapist and I feel like I need one this week. So I invited you back on the show just to con a free therapy session out of you. I hope that's okay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
It is a difficult time. I'm reeling. People out there who are trying to drink liberal tears, I want them to die of thirst. I don't want to give them anything. I'm not being sad on Instagram or Twitter or threads or blue sky. I'm going to be sad here for a second. I have cried in public. I haven't cried in public since my mother's death. This has really gutted me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
How do I get through the next four years and change, Jeff? Please give me the secret.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And my heart goes out to you, to everybody out there right now, particularly the women in my audience, Marcotte stopped short of telling women to refuse to date or fuck men at all. Because for those of us who are exclusively attracted to men, Marcotte writes, a life without sex is a punishment. And the point of this is to punish sexist men, not ourselves.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I think that's what I need though. That's why I had you on like. I needed you to give me permission to feel my feelings and not be too embarrassed about it. Because I'm shocked and gutted too. You know, I'm the main character in the universe, which is why Hillary Clinton lost in 2016. Because I thought she would win and God hates me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And so he flipped a switch and she lost at the Electoral College. And I was being so careful not to let myself think Kamala Harris was going to win. But part of the mental gymnastics of not letting myself think she would win is I was thinking she would win. And so I was... doubly gutted, because again, this is all my fault.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I not only let myself think she was going to win like secretly in my heart of hearts, I thought it might be a landslide and the Dems would take the house to now the day we're talking, it looks like they might have the trifecta, which means project 20. I'm going to make myself cry. Project 2025 is going to happen soon.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
This is going to be, you know, we're a couple of cis white men, although I'm a faggot and you are not, which I don't hold against you, which is why I'm having you back on the show because you're a really good therapist. And I needed a really good therapist today. There are ways in which our whiteness and our maleness and all that identitarian stuff is going to protect us.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
There are other people who might be more vulnerable, but it feels perilous for all of us on the left. And I don't feel safe. And if I don't feel safe, I can't imagine how, you know, trans people I know and people with immigrant family members who are not documented must feel right now. And I just, you know, I heard from a porn star today or a porn content creator as we call them now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
But refusing to date Trump voters, that's an easy one. Don't waste a single moment of your one precious life on such men. Gotta say, I agree with that. And I want to re-up some advice I gave earlier this year on the show that seems relevant now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
So we don't have to call them all stars, but a porn content creator who like read project 2025 after the election and saw that they plan to arrest porn content creators like who is just distraught. So give them hope, Jeff. Your advice is to don't feel duped by having felt hope, but also don't think about the next four and a half years or four years and some months.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Think about the next four and a half minutes. How do we get through that?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
The next choice. I was reading something today about the next choice you get to make. You have power. We feel very powerless right now. You actually do have power, including if what you need to do right now is not listen to AOC for 52 minutes or not watch Colbert or the political chat shows.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I unfollowed a couple political podcasts today because I think I need to diet, go on a little politics diet. Although I'm a politics junkie, I'm going to keep listening to a lot of them. And people should do what feels right to recharge to get in the fight. Cause there's going to be a fight.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I don't know if there's going to be pussy hats at a women's March, but there's going to be a fight and we have to recharge for it because it's going to be big. And it's not, I'm not saying this to like people weren't already in the fight. Like it feels like we fought so hard.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Consider sharing because right now, hopefully not forever, but right now, it sure seems like the supply of good and decent guys falls short of the demand for good and decent guys. There are millions of them out there, tens of millions of good and decent guys out there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Yeah, I thought it would be a landslide too. And this time, you know, in 2016, one of the comforts was, well, he lost the popular vote by 3.5 million to Hillary. And if we didn't have an electoral college, he wouldn't be president. this remnant of appeasing slave owners in the South from the 18th century, he wouldn't have won in 2016.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And if that didn't happen in 2016, this wouldn't be happening in 2024. But this time we don't have that security blanket or that comfort, that binky, because it looks like he did win the popular vote and the electoral college election. And there was a landslide in this election, but it wasn't Harris's.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
No. I mean, I was listening to the Ezra Klein show today, and he's a genius, and so I'm always believing whatever Ezra tells me after I listen to the Ezra Klein show. Yes, you should.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
The trap for Kamala was she couldn't run as the incumbent because she wasn't, but she couldn't run as the change candidate because she was of the administration that was in office, again, during the fallout from COVID, which is one of the things that drive me crazy about the discourse. Yeah.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
When you talk to Trumpers, right wingers, everything that happened during COVID under Trump's watch was not his fault. It was a meteor strike. But everything that happened at the beginning of the Biden administration that was the fallout from COVID, well, that's Biden's fault. Trump gets this pass for the meteor strike of COVID that Biden doesn't get and Harris didn't get. And here we are.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And we should just cope, right? There's nothing wrong with coping or checking out or checking in.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Suck a million dicks. binge a million shows. Exactly. But the takeaway from this conversation is Jeff Gunther endorses sucking a million dicks if that's what you need to do to get through the next four years.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
But right now, there are more liberal and progressive straight women than there are liberal and progressive non-sexist men to go around. And the polling data tells us that straight women who are liberal and progressive do not want to date Trumpers.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Jeff Gunther, LPC Therapy Jeff on TikTok and Instagram. He hosts the Big Dating Energy podcast and Problem Solved. His new book, Big Dating Energy, out now. Jeff, thank you so much for coming back on the show. And I will send you my address so you can bill me for this appearance and this session. That sounds good. Yeah. All right. Thanks for having me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
That was just a little taste of my conversation with Therapy Jeff. He continued to psychoanalyze me and then took a couple of sex questions with me. That's on the Magnum version of the show, which you can subscribe to or send as a gift at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Well, fuck. I'm going to open this week's Savage Lovecast, if it's okay with everybody, by reading the opening of this week's Savage Love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Which had me thinking this morning that maybe the work I've been doing and others have been doing for the last couple of decades to familiarize people with open relationships and polyamory, to normalize open relationships and polyamorous relationships,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Maybe we were, without even realizing it, kind of preparing women and good and decent men for this political and sexual moment we find ourselves in. Leaving aside right now the political fight that's ahead of us focusing on the personal struggles many of us are going to face, particularly straight women.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I was crying all week after listening to your call because I was just so bored. I felt so violated by how bored I was by this question. I'm not saying that to shame you. I'm just joking. Kind of. Look, I think it's obvious what your friend is doing here, what's going on here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
You got married, you got a dog, you have a husband, you have a busy young adult life, and you don't have as much time for your friend as you did 20 years ago when you guys were sophomores in high school and juniors in high school. And that's not anything you've done wrong. That's just...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Adult life and what your friend is doing by having all these fucking meltdowns is trying to control you, demand your attention, demand that you dance attendance on her precious feelings and keep you on the back foot at all times and keep you apologizing to her and having to make it up to her. And it's a kind of.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
I don't want to say negative attention-seeking behavior, but it's exhausting what your friend is doing. It was exhausting to listen to you recount what your friend is doing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And so rather than have a conversation about this film festival and the link that you failed to open, that terrible, terrible crime, I think you say to your friend, maybe in a letter, if she's just going to burst out crying every time you get on the fucking phone, you identify... every single time that you can recall in the last year or two, this happening and ask her what this is about.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Cause it's not about the film festival. It's about something else. And maybe your friend will have the ability to admit what's going on or getting that letter from you will help her see what's going on, which is just, she wants more time and attention and consideration from you. then you're able to give her at this moment in your lives for understandable reasons.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Also, if you're really concerned about her, if you have mutual friends, you might want to reach out to a couple of them and see if she's pulling this same shit with them. Is she lonely? Is she sad? Nobody, I pull a film festival together. Nobody does that on their own. Your friend must have a social network. She must have other people in her life. Is she pulling this shit on them or is it just you?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Straight women who don't want to settle for men who would vote to strip them of their rights, their bodily autonomy, or repost videos of incels chanting, your body, my choice. Maybe those women, maybe you, instead of punishing yourself by going without sex, might prefer to set up house together with other women, Golden Girls style. And...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And then have that conversation. Refuse to get dragged into a conversation about your failure to click the link to find out the film festival was not just this one weekend, but this pattern of behavior and what it means and what she actually wants and what she's actually trying to accomplish with these meltdowns and these tantrums.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And if it's not going to get her anywhere, if, because you have a husband and a dog and a busy young adult life, you can't give her any more attention than you're able to give her. you might have to, if not break up with your friend or end this friendship, you might have to just get her to reset her expectations by having boundaries and enforcing them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And one of those boundaries can be, oh, you're turning on the waterworks, you're crying, we're going to get off the phone now and you're going to give me a buzz when you're feeling better. Time for some listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Says the funny Dom, a past Lovecast guest, regarding the call from a new dominant looking for humiliating tasks for a long-distance sub. Dan said a book featuring rules, tasks, protocols for doms and subs... doesn't exist. Good news. It does. The funny Dom's guide to kink volume two features a whole chapter of 50 rules and protocols to try in your DS dynamic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
My bad, funny Dom, sir, and feel free to assign me a task to make it up to you. Former Catholic kid here. So have a thing even still for penance says Catherine regarding the call from the woman with the sub cat that suddenly wanted to be roughed up. There are lots of cats that like to be drummed on and petted roughly and There's even a whole subreddit for them, rcatbongos. It's not sexual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Says Polly about the same call, my cat did the same thing where suddenly she wanted really vigorous back scratches and would yowl and bite and get mad if we stopped scratching. Turns out she had fleas. No wonder she was all itchy and pissed off. Medicine cleared it up and she was back to her normal self in no time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Finally, says ByDanFan, one concern suggests itself regarding the 24-hour boob jobs through saline infusions. Using saline infusions to stretch the breasts, you will stretch the skin and that could lead to sagging or stretch marks once the breasts return to their usual size. Scrotums, last time we talked about saline infusions to blow something up, it was ball sacks.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Scrotums, ByDanFan points out, are wrinkly anyway, which makes those saline infusions less potentially problematic. down the road. Perhaps the caller's baby girl could invest in a breastplate like some drag queens wear if she wants to rock a buxom look now and again. Thanks by Dan Fan, and you are right. Those breastplates as seen on Drag Race are amazing and very realistic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And while not cheap, they're cheaper than seeing a cosmetic surgeon for a saline infusion. And even better, you get to use them more than once. All right, for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at savage.love. And now, everyone's favorite part of the show, mine included, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Sharing a good and decent man who loves and respects women and whose vote reflects his love and respect for women. And passing that boy around like a bong. Guys, I'm not saying all men are bad. Indeed, I am proposing a fix here to a supply and demand problem that showers rewards on the good guys.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
we're gonna leave it there we've got three ways for you to get us your questions are actually nancy can we stop the outro music for just a second here because there's one last thing i wanted to get off my chest before we wrap up this week's show this show of all shows and that's we're not going anywhere
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
We're staying, we're fighting, and we here at the Lovecast, we will be back at you next week with another installment.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
We will be here for the good and decent straights and the good and decent gays and lesbians and enbies and dykes and faggots and the good and decent trans men and women out there and the good and decent non-binary folks and other gender refuseniks and the sex workers and the monogamous and monogamish and poly and tolly and ace and allo.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
We will be here for anyone and everyone who believes in choice and bodily autonomy and freedom and self-determination and the pursuit of happiness, whatever that looks like for each of us as an individual. And for everyone who believes that our politics should look more like our kinks, safe, sane, and consensual. All right, Nancy, crank that outro music back.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
As Marcotte writes in her piece, men who regard women as equals and act accordingly in ways big and small, from respecting a woman's right to keep her last name to respecting her opinions to picking up after themselves, will clean up on the dating market because of it. Look, I know from personal experience that polyamory is a lot of work, a lot of effort, but you know what?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
There are three ways for you to get us your questions or comments for future shows. You can record and upload your question directly onto our website at savage.love.com. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love.com. Or you can call our landline like it's 1999 and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
This is the final weekend of Hump 2024. We're closing with a screening in Philadelphia, one night only, November 16th. Get tickets to the show in Philly or get streaming passes to stream Hump at Home at HumpFilmFest.com. And everything you need to know about being one of the stars of Hump 2025. Yes, we do have something we can actually look forward to in 2025. All that info is at HumpFilmFest.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow Jeff Gunther on Instagram and TikTok at Therapy Jeff. His podcasts, Big Dating Energy and Problem Solved can be found wherever you get your podcasts. And his latest book, Big Dating Energy is out now. And hey, holidays are coming. Jeff's book makes a great gift.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian. The Savage Lovecast would not exist if it were not for Nancy Hartunian. Nancy, thank you for your love. Thank you for your support. And me and Nancy, the tech savvy at-risk youth, we will all be back at you next week with an installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you. Good job, man.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Reading a sex advice column at a time like this to say nothing of writing a sex advice column at a time like this might seem a little pointless, but I've lived long enough to know that seemingly pointless distractions, small comforts, even guilty pleasures, have the power to sustain us in bad times.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
So is monogamy, especially serial monogamy. And choosing monogamy? In our current political and sexual economy, in the dating market where, again, the demand for good and decent guys, at least now, seems to outstrip the supply of good and decent guys, that's going to require just as much or more effort than passing around that boy like a bong will.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
But whatever you decide to do, and not everyone is going to want to go the golden girl's route or be a houseboy, whatever you decide to do, whatever else you decide to do to get through the next four years as we stay and fight, Let's not give the assholes what they want right now or ever. Don't give them liberal tears. They live for liberal tears. They love to drink liberal tears.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Don't give them the satisfaction. Let's not go to pieces online where they can see it and enjoy it and share it and repost it. Let's go to pieces. If and when we need to go to pieces, and I needed to go to pieces this week, and I certainly did, let's do it offline. with the people we love and trust, our logical families. But in public, online, especially, let's be stoic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Let's hang tough as we fight the fight. And let the Trumpers, who live for liberal tears, let those motherfuckers die of thirst. All right? Coming up on today's show, tons of listener queue, lots of host A. And our guest this week, I tricked Jeff Gunther, better known as Therapy Jeff, into coming back on the show to promote his new book, which he was just on the show to promote a few months ago.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Why is Jeff back so soon? Well, you can find out listening to today's show. There's a little bit of Jeff on the micro and all of Jeff on the Magnum Savage Lovecast that you can subscribe to at savage.love. All right, let's get to that first call. This episode is brought to you by True Nutrition, protein powders and supplements to match your fitness goals.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Get 15% off your order at truenutrition.com with the promo code SAVAGE. This episode is sponsored by HIMS. Affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at HIMS.com slash SAVAGE. This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Dipsy. Dipsy is an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Get an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Taking a moment to read or write a sex advice column or listen to or make music or watch or make porn doesn't mean you're complacent, doesn't mean you're complicit. Because those little things, the little joys, the small pleasures, even especially the guilty ones, they have the power to keep us sane, to keep us connected, and keep us going.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Every three-way becomes a two-way at some point during the three-way. Nobody should have a threesome with anybody, with a partner and a very special guest star, or with two randos or two fuck buddies if you can't handle... That moment in the three-way when the two people who aren't you suddenly start vibing or connecting or catch a groove and you're sort of on the outside.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
That's a moment in a three-way when you hang back and stroke your dick and enjoy the live porn performance happening in front of you. Also, when you're having a three-way at those moments when it's not about you, you can't advocate for yourself in a moment like that. They were fucking. They were vibing. He was pounding away at the other bottom with the caged cock.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
You could have if this was going to be a problem for you or you could have just to keep stirring the pot and – playing, and yes, anding, you could have stuck your ass in the air next to the other bottom's ass and just said two little words. My turn. And the top, who you vibed with for 10 months, you fucked around with for 10 months, obviously is into you, obviously enjoys fucking you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Wouldn't have fucked you once a week for 10 months if he didn't like fucking you too. And you just needed to tap in. And I think we have a three-way. Everybody should have this conversation with like, when it becomes a two-way for a second, we're all going to be good with that. If somebody needs to take a break... we can all take a break together.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And if anybody at a certain moment wants to tap in, please, please, everybody should be empowered to, to tap in and say, Hey, I need a little attention to pay to me, my turn. And I think you'll feel better about hooking up with this top again. If you can just have a moment to process with him, like where this went wrong for you and that you had some hurt feelings and,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And you needed to advocate for yourself in the moment. And you probably, your feelings wouldn't have been as hurt as they are if you had, but you didn't. And so if this ever happens again, you have a three-way again, you want to make sure that he knows that if you're out of the action for too long, he needs to pull you in, or you're going to tap in at some point.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And to everyone who wrote in or called this week to talk about sex, literally going, leaving the country. You know, if somebody had told me 20 years ago, hell, if somebody had told me 10 years ago that a reality show host slash serial sexual predator with a golden toilet would one day appoint a majority of the justices on the Supreme Court, I might have immigrated then.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And then you want to be brought back in to what's happening. But if you have this kind of enormous, I don't want to say you're having a meltdown. You have these hurt feelings because the predictable thing that happens often at three ways, which is a two-way breaks out in front of a third person, happened. Maybe three ways aren't for you. I will say, though, like I want to apportion blame here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Two thirds of it is theirs. They failed you. When you left the room, that was a sign for them to take a break and walk out to the room that you were in and take your phone out of your hand and one of them to start sucking your dick and the other to sit on your face. They needed to pull you back in. That was a sign that like you were way outside of it and it was on them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
at that moment to pull you in, but it was on you before that moment, before you felt so outside the action or irrelevant or inadequate, It was on you to say, hey, I'm still here. I want to tap back in. Here's my ass. Can we take turns? Fuck me. And you could have said that. And then if you'd said my turn and the top was like, yeah, no, I'm busy. Okay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Then you have every right to feel as hurt and upset as you do. But do you really think this top is still into you? Still wants to fuck you? Would have reacted that way in that moment had you tried to tap in? I don't. I think they would have pulled you back in had you advocated for yourself before you left the room. So that's where you failed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
They failed by not following you out of that room once you left that room. One more thing that could have been going on here and it may have been an error on the tops part or the bottoms part. You said, you know, it began with you trying to fuck the bottom and you couldn't get hard. And they may have thought that you were feeling a little self-conscious about not being able to get hard.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And one piece of advice you give people when somebody's having a hard time getting hard is to take the focus off their dick or them. And they may have felt in the moment that shifting the focus away from you
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
was to ease your self-consciousness, to prevent you from feeling inadequate because everybody was still having fun whether you could get hard or not and they were still making out with you a little bit. And so it could have been an error on their part where they thought they were being sensitive to your feelings of inadequacy about not getting hard when you wanted to get hard.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
And in the end, it just made you feel more inadequate because eventually you were so far outside the action that you felt excluded. Have a combo with that top. The next time he comes over to fuck you, if you could just put this all on the table, I'm sure the top would say exactly if he's a good, has any emotional intelligence at all, is worthy of your ass ever again.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
He'll say the things that you need to hear from him so that you'll feel good fucking him again. And once these things are said out loud, you'll want to fuck him again. You'll want him back in your ass where this all started. Support for today's episode comes from True Nutrition. Many health supplements contain fillers. Some contain harmful chemicals.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
That's why I'm excited to talk about True Nutrition, a company founded on relentlessly sourcing the highest quality ingredients. Third party tests those ingredients and then first party test them on site to further ensure purity. This means what's in the package is exactly what it says on the package.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 941
Unlike most supplement brands that focus on marketing a product that's manufactured elsewhere, True Nutrition manufactures its own products and marketing takes a backseat. True Nutrition was formed to provide protein powders and supplements with absolutely no fillers, no additives, no gluten. and most importantly, no BS.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Maybe she'd feel differently about that. And it would tag for you some of the bases of that feeling of... intimacy of pressing a significant GI portal of yours into a significant GI portal of hers. So that's what I would suggest, but you know, I'm a demented fag pervert. Of course, that's what I would suggest. You two together have to figure out what works for you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And you may wind up having to pay a significant price of admission here. People don't get everything that they want in a sexual relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
If you love or require anal and you're in love with someone who just can't or won't do anal, well, then you face a moment where you have to say, particularly if it's a sexually exclusive relationship, you're making a monogamous commitment, I want to be with you more than I want to fuck a butt or have my butt fucked. And so you choose this person over this act.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
What I'm having a hard time with the way you set this up, the question of the way you frame kissing and how important it is to you again, is that it is the beginning of all sex for you. That's not just giving up an act and leaning into the other 10, 20 acts that you two enjoy together. That's giving up something crucial, something
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
foundational, something you really, really fucking need the key for your engine. And that's harder. That's maybe a price for admission. In some cases that would be too steep to pay, but if you're together, you've already paid that price of admission. Unless your girlfriend is allowing you to kiss her while she wretches struggles to get the fuck away from you, which I hope you're not doing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
So yeah, heater ass. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep. You know your mattress isn't just for having sex, you perverts. You do need to get a good night's sleep on that thing too, if for no other reason than to recharge your batteries for having more great sex on that thing. So I recommend the best mattress for both.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
The mattresses we have at our place where a lot of both happens, Helix Sleep. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection. That's ours. That's the mattress we have. The newly released Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even mattresses made just for kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
By blood and marriage, I had 13 uncles, all of them in Chicago, and I did not know where they were at all times. None of my uncles were gay, but glory holes in video booths were popular with closet cases because you could tell yourself you were just there to watch the porn.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix Sleep Quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes. And then your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge. But you will get, with your mattress, a 100-night sleep trial.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
You can try out your new mattress, see how your body adjusts, and if you decide it's not the best fit, you are welcome to return it for a full refund. Helix offers models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side, like me, or models with more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Plus, enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. Helix mattresses all come with a 10 or 15 year warranty depending on the model. Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage with Helix. Better sleep starts now. We're going to take a quick break from your calls to speak with Dr. Barack.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
What can I say about Dr. Barack? He used to be a simple country doctor and frequent and reluctant guest on the Savage Lovecast, a simple country doctor and a professor of medicine at the University of Washington. But after the election of Donald Trump in 2016, Dr. Barack was radicalized. He jumped into political activism.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Now he sends out spreadsheets to friends recommending candidates that they can donate to to help stop the spread of fascism in this country. Dr. Barack, welcome back to the show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
I am woefully behind on my political giving this season. I gave to the top, gave money to Kamala and Tim, but I don't want to waste money on no hope Dem candidates running against high profile Republicans in blood red districts. Dems set hundreds of millions of dollars on fire, wasted money on those kinds of candidates in 2020 and 2022. I have a thousand dollars to give away today, Barack.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
I want to give it to 10 candidates who can make a difference. Walk me through how I can do that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And I didn't know if any of my uncles, a mix of old hippies and cops, were closet cases, and I did not want to find out in a video booth at the back of the dirty bookstore on Halstead. This little trip down memory lane brings us, surprisingly, to the GOP nominee for governor in North Carolina.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And stop giving money to somebody running against Marjorie Taylor Greene in a district where she's going to win by 60 points. That's right. That's setting money on fire. People did that. They threw money away on the person running against Mitch McConnell in Kentucky. Hundreds of millions of dollars. Person running against Lindsey Graham in whatever shithole state he comes from.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Hundreds of millions of dollars. We're not going to make that mistake today. We're going to give it to Dems nobody has heard of in races where they have a shot.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
I have opened swingleft.org. I'm looking at their list of the 10 races that they're raising money for right now. Dems who have a shot at winning. Amish Shah running in Arizona for a house seat. Rudy Salas, California. George Whitesides, California. Derek Tran, California. Tony Vargas, Nebraska. Laura Gillen, New York. Mondaire Jones, New York. John Mannion, New York.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay, so I'm clicking on donate a thousand. I thought I was going to donate 100 bucks at a time to 10 different candidates. This is going to take a long time. But I'm going to do this the easy way.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay, I am... Telling them not now for a couple other things. Thank you for your contribution. Would you like to share contact information? Yeah, please don't share my contact information. It is a little confusing, so let me walk people through that quickly.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Go to swingleft.org, click on Our Strategy, click on Win Back the House of Representatives, click on Donate to Win, and then select your donation amount. We've received your one-time contribution. Yay, I made my contribution to these 10 Democrats running all over the country, hopefully to take the House back. Taking the House back is really important.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
The Assembly, a news site that covers power and place in North Carolina, came out with a big story last week about North Carolina Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson and
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
All right, Dr. Barak, I thought this was going to take a long time and we would have to go through these races one at a time and I'd have to open everybody's website and put my credit card in and make $100 donation. So we have some extra time here. Can I ask you a sex question?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay, tell me one more thing about politics and then you have to answer a sex question. Nobody gets off this show without answering a sex question.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay, Dr. Barak, I will give $100 to One Pennsylvania if you answer a sex question with me now. If you refuse, I'm not going to make that donation, and my $100 may be the critical $100 that swings Pennsylvania for Kamala Harris. Dr. Barak, what is your answer?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
An anti-gay, anti-choice, anti-porn, pro-gun, pro-Trump Republican who, not despite, but because of his long history of making anti-gay, anti-choice, anti-Semitic, and pro-sexual assault, pro-gun, pro-Trump statements, secured the GOP nomination for governor in that important swing state. I want to give you just a little taste of the kind of orator Mark Robinson is.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay, we're not going to play it. It's a call that came up a couple of weeks ago. I'm just going to summarize it. A woman called in because she has a friend who's an adult baby diaper lover and he wants to have a smaller penis. There are some people out there, some men who are trying to shrink their penises with smaller and smaller cock cages.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And to shrink his penis, to make it the small penis of his dreams, he was injecting meth into his erectile tissue, into his penis. Dr. Barack... What do you think? Injecting meth into your penis to shrink it, is that a good idea or a bad idea?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
I can see Dr. Barak right now. You guys can't. Dr. Barak still somehow sitting at his desk in front of his microphone is curled up into the fetal position. Dr. Barak, is there a doctor recommended dick shrinking treatment option? What would one out of one professors of medicine on the Savage Lovecast with me right now recommend?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Good advice. I have been giving similar advice for years, but apparently even listeners to my show won't take that advice. And they're trying to make their dicks bigger, make their dicks smaller, some of them. Listen to Dr. Barack, professor of medicine at the University of Washington, simple country doctor radicalized by the election of Donald Trump. And don't inject meth into your dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
But do go to swingleft.org and scroll down to their list of House races to help swing the House and Senate races. Before I let you go, Dr. Brock, you've been coming on the show for years and it doesn't seem to give you a lot of joy or pleasure. You always seem like hell. You're in hell when you're on the show having to answer these questions. Why do you keep coming back?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay. I just want people to know you're not doing this under duress. We're not holding your family hostage. You're here of your own free will, even though you're dying every time you're out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Thank you for coming back on the show. I really appreciate it. And now I'm off to One Pennsylvania, onepa.org, to make that donation I promised you I would make.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Picture this. You're in the heat of the moment. The attraction is there. The chemistry is crazy. You are feeling amazing. And then all of a sudden, it hits you. An intrusive thought so disturbing, embarrassing, or disgusting that it doesn't just kill the mood, it shakes you to your core.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
It might be taboo or aggressive, and you know it's the complete opposite of what you actually want and who you actually are. So you start to worry, why did I think that? What does this mean about me? And worst of all, this isn't a one-time thing. These types of intrusive thoughts keep coming back, popping up when you least want them to, and they don't seem to go away.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
So here's a clip of pro-life, pro-forced birth Mark Robinson giving a speech in a church in North Carolina. It's hard to listen to. He's hard to listen to. But they're always telling us we need to listen to people who support Trump and understand where they're coming from. So let's listen.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Your distress snowballs until it feels out of control, but telling anyone about these thoughts seems too mortifying. Here's the thing about disturbing, taboo thoughts. They're more common than you think. In fact, almost everyone has them. But for people with obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD, they tend to feel sticky and cause a lot of anxiety.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And if this doesn't sound like OCD to you, that's because it's misunderstood. OCD isn't what most people think. OCD latches onto unwanted thoughts and can make you feel like a monster, even though that isn't true. But that's what makes it so debilitating. The thoughts can feel so real that seeking help can seem like a huge risk.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And since so few people understand what OCD is really like, it can feel like you have nowhere to turn. If you relate to this, no CD wants you to know you're not alone. They created NoCD to help anyone struggling with OCD and taboo or disturbing intrusive thoughts to get the treatment and support they need. NoCD provides virtual therapy with licensed therapists who specialize in OCD.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
They're trained in Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy, or ERP, the gold standard treatment for OCD, and they understand intrusive thoughts, even the ones that feel too shameful to share. NoCD also accepts many major insurance plans and offers always-on support between sessions. To learn more about therapy with NoCD, go to NoCD.com and schedule a free 15-minute call with their team.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
That's NoCD.com to learn more and to book a free 15-minute call.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Part of me wants to wish a gay kid on this woman. But no part of me would ever want to wish a mom like that on a gay kid. Gay kids, lesbian kids, bi kids, trans kids deserve better. That said... You did a good thing. You did a great thing. You did an amazing thing. And you're not giving yourself enough credit here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
When you blew up at your friend about the shitty things she was saying about the school, about the public school where you're sending your daughter and the shitty things she was saying about queer people and the shitty things she said to her daughter about being a queer person or being a lesbian.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
She texted you later and tried to walk it back and apologized and wanted to make sure that you two were still good. And you read that as disingenuous and you dismiss that. her sending you that text is just her trying to cover her ass. I heard that as you, by confronting her, by not letting it slide, you created in her some cognitive dissonance.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
She realizes, even if it was a disingenuous text, she realizes on some level that the good person that she wants to be or wants to be perceived as being is in conflict with the shitty, homophobic, lesbophobic, ranting anti-vax lunatic that she was with you in that moment. So you can work with that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
If her kid is going to be gay when her kid grows up, there are a lot of people out there who have wonderful, loving, supportive parents who are there for them and their same sex partners who were not there for them. in the same way when they were 12 or 15 or 18.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Parents do when they're faced with having a gay kid reach this fork in the road where they have to choose their bigotry or choose their kid. Used to be, you could pretty reliably predict that most parents would choose their bigotry or their faith tradition or whatever the fuck over their kid. That's why there were a lot of
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Gay and lesbian adults running around 40 years ago who were estranged from their families of origin. These days, more and more, increasingly now, it is the exception to meet a gay person who's estranged like that from their family of origin because their parents chose their bigotry and their homophobia or their transphobia or their whatever phobia over their own kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And this is the process, what you've just laid out in your call, the process by which the parent who isn't supportive out of the gate gets there. They encounter pushback. They encounter, they say shitty homophobic things to someone they think is just going to stand there and nod and say, yeah, yeah. Shitty homophobic things back to them. Who's like the fuck? No, don't say that. That's shitty.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
That's awful. That's potentially harmful to your kid for you to say that LGBT kids are much greater risk of suicide. LGBT kids with unsupportive parents. who are bullied at home for being queer are at much, much greater risk of a suicide attempt. Surely your friend doesn't want that for her kid. You need to settle in here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Whether to salvage the relationship with this woman because you valued it once upon a time and maybe you'll get back to the kind of relationship you used to have with her. Maybe she'll come to her fucking senses. Or so that you can continue to be a presence in the life of this queer child whose parents are failing her at this moment.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
My first boyfriend had been out and gay for a lot longer than I had. He'd been out and gay in Chicago for 10 years. I'd been out and gay in Chicago when I met him for about 10 weeks. And he thought it was his solemn responsibility as the older, wiser gay man in our relationship to teach me how to be a gay man. I thought making out with him in gay bars and
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Again, he's in a church saying some people, wicked people, need killing. He cites Nazis as an historic example of wicked people who needed killing, which I guess is a bold stance for a GOP candidate, considering the way Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump are always pailing around with Nazis and white supremacists. He doesn't name the wicked people who need killing now, but...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
If this child is queer, you know, sometimes kids think they're queer when they're 11 and then they're not so much a few years later. That happened in my family. But you want to be there. You want to be part of her life.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
So I think you should take your friend's apology, the text at face value and continue to see her, hang out with her, get your kids together for play dates, which you're still doing at 11. You won't be doing so much when they're 13 or 14. Your kids will be directing their own social lives hopefully at that point.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And if she's awful two, three years from now, and you don't want to have to hang out with her, but your daughter still wants to hang out with her daughter, they can make that happen. And if you want to, at some point you can say to that kid, look, you can be whoever you want to in my house, like right on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And you could come out as bi to that kid if you want to and be that safe place that some queer kids need. They need that trusted adult, right? that they can trust. Maybe their parents can't trust so much, but they can trust.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
But you can't be that adult for this kid if you nuke your relationship with her mom and your kid and you are exiled from their lives in the same way that public school was exiled from their lives. So if you want to be there for this kid, you're going to have to get along to go along or go along to get along.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
I never remember which way that's supposed to come and order the go where they got in that expression, that idiom. You're going to want to have some sort of detente relationship with your old friend. If you want to be in this, in her kid's life, in case her kid might need you, do your old friend the favor of of accepting at face value that she was sincere in these text messages to you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And to give yourself the credit, perhaps, of having created the kind of cognitive dissonance in the homophobic parent of a queer kid that ultimately, usually, typically, when it resolves, resolves in the kid's favor and the letting go of the homophobia. You're a peer to this woman. You came out to her spine, ripped into her. Thank God. I'm so glad you did the right thing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
The text messages you got afterwards, kind of a win. Take the win.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Of course you're going to be excited about the sexual adventure you're about to have with your husband when a third is coming over. Of course that, objectively, there's more to get excited about there than having sex with your husband again, who you still love and want to be with. But...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Sex in the context of a multi-decade, long-term, committed, romantic, and still sexual relationship is different than sex with somebody new. It doesn't get the cortisone and the adrenaline pumping in quite the same way. It is great in other ways. There's intimacy, there's familiarity, there's comfort, there's this deep understanding of your erotic imaginations and inner lives.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And there is something about, you know, sex with somebody you've been with for decades and decades and decades that is, it confirms what you mean to each other. You're not exploring what you might mean to each other. There's nothing risky about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
I think we all know who he means, who churchy Republicans think of when you talk about wicked people today. The gays, the abortionists, and public school teachers who Robinson has condemned. And I'm quoting here from his speech to the North Carolina Republican State Party Convention. He condemned public school teachers for feeding your children a steady diet of communism and pornography.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And so, yeah, like you guys just need to both accept, like when there's a third present, like that's exciting in a way that you two can't be exciting for each other anymore. There's a lot of other things that you two can be for each other after 30 years that some rando you found on Grindr who's on his way over can't be for you, for either of you. And it's just different.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And what's great about what you're doing is you have your husband and he has you and you're having this kind of excitement too. with and for each other. This is happening for the both of you, not despite your marriage, not despite your relationship, but because of your marriage because of your relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
So this excitement, although there's like this outside force acting on your relationship and your sexual connection, that's creating this kind of excitement, it is a part of your sexual connection and your relationship. And you should, Look at it that way.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Not, oh, it's a terrible sign that we're excited about this three-way in a way we're just not excited about the kind of routine, regular, sometimes maintenance sex we have with each other. And that's a bad sign. And we should be as excited to have sex with each other now as we were the night we met when we were still strangers to each other for the most part. I'm sorry.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
There's no getting back to that with somebody you've been with for 25 years, with somebody whose farts you could identify in a room with 100 people farting in it. There's just no way to get back there alone together. But you guys have managed to get back there alone together with a third to experience this kind of excitement about your shared sex life. That's awesome. That's a superpower.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
That's a win. That is a win, take the win. And if you're gonna feel sad about anything, I mean, feel your feelings, you can help but feel your feelings. You can recall to each other how exciting sex was when you first met. And what it was like those first times that you fucked, I don't know how you and your husband met. Did you meet wholesome introduced by friends at a dinner party?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Did you meet in a sex club? Did you meet through Grindr? Like 30 years ago, probably not Grindr. How did you meet? You can talk about that and like feel nostalgia. You can also allow yourself to feel loss because the excitement that you got from each other, that doesn't come back, but you always have to balance that kind of acknowledgement of what
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
was present in your relationship when it was new and isn't anymore with a thumb on the scale where you're looking at and valuing everything you are to each other now that you couldn't be to each other then and the ways in which your relationship has deepened so that when you think about that loss, you're also thinking about what you've gained.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And what you've gained recently is this kind of excitement that you thought, people together 30 years don't have this kind of excitement in their life unless they're fucking somebody else together. You have this kind of excitement.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
back and you're doing that for each other you are exciting each other in a way that you used to when it was just the two of you and now you excite each other in this way by dragging some strange dick home and that's awesome All right, time for listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Lots of people jumped into the comments to talk about the East Coast academic who felt bad about how he fetishized his cowboys when he could fetishize something completely unproblematic instead like skinheads. Anyway, says Chris T., the guy with the cowboy fetish has nothing to be ashamed of because black and brown cowboys exist. Cattle rustling used to be considered lowly field work.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
The term cowboy once was a derogatory term because 50 to 60% of cowboys were Latino and black. The only thing racist about cowboys is how Hollywood whitewashed and excluded people of color from portrayals of them. There are books out there and photo journals dedicated to black cowboys that could make this man feel a little less guilty about his preference.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Robinson hates porn. He backs Project 2025, which calls for outlawing porn and throwing adult content creators into prison. Anyway, back to the story in the assembly. Turns out Mark Robinson frequented porn shops in North Carolina, like frequently frequented, like five nights a week frequency.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Says John H., also about the cowboy thing, There were, of course, genocidal cowboys, but jobs like banker, landlord, senator, or president should be way higher up on the worried-about-contextual-racism scale. That's a good point, John, but you know, I've never met a person with a president fetish, but I will bear that in mind if I ever get a call from one.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Finally, he says, ooh, shiny88, Dan, I always feel so validated when you talk about kinks emerging in early childhood. I literally remember tying up and making little cages for my Barbies. And I didn't understand why I was embarrassed about it and would try to hide that from my parents. Fast forward 30 years and dot, dot, dot. Well, I'm sure you can guess what turns me on. All right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
For more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at Savage.Love, where I usually respond to listener and reader comments at length. But for the rest of the summer, we're having a little experiment where I post a letter that's too long for the column and let my superstar commenters at Savage.Love weigh in and give advice. Struggle session goes up every Thursday at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
We're not putting it behind a paywall for now while we conduct this little experiment. Watch for a new one. This Thursday, jump in, give some advice. And now everyone's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
According to Lewis Money, who managed the porn shops that Robinson frequented and others, clients and staffers, Mark Robinson spent a lot of money renting porn and watching porn in video booths at the back of these dirty bookstores.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three great ways for you to get us your juicy questions or insightful comments from future shows. You can record a question right now at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Or you can call our landline like it's 1978 and leave us a message at 206-302-2064. Hump 2024 Part 2 is now on tour across the United States, Canada, and Europe. This weekend, Hump is in Portland, Chicago, New York City, New Orleans, Denver, Bellingham, Long Beach, Bend, Oregon, Ann Arbor, and Columbus, Ohio. Don't miss this amazing brand new lineup of 25 great new Hump films.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Get your tickets now at HumpFilmFest.com. And while you're there, be sure to click on Submit to find out how you can get your dirty little masterpiece into Hump 2025. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at blue sky at Dan Savage. Follow Jill Filippovich on Instagram and threads at Jill Filippovich.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
That's J I L L F I L I P O V I C. Subscribe to her sub stack at jill.substack.com. And for all things, Jill, check out her website, jillfilippovich.com. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth. We will all be back at you next week. Another installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for telling me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
At a time when Robinson and his wife were in such dire financial straits, they declared bankruptcy three times and bounced checks for $3,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies. I read the story. It's long. It's amazing. There's a link in the show notes if you would like to read it too. And I followed the reaction to it on political sites and podcasts.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And I was surprised that no one asked the obvious follow-up question or made the obvious follow-up statement of fact. Here's Tim Miller, host of the Bulwark podcast, talking about Robinson. with former GOP Congressman Adam Kinzinger, who you may have seen at the Democratic National Convention, where he gave a speech endorsing Kamala Harris.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Here they are talking on last Friday's Bulwark podcast about this story.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
How could Tim, a gay man, fail to ask the obvious follow-up question here or make the obvious statement of fact? I texted Tim and said, girl, how did you miss the glory hole piece of this? He responded, this is more your area of expertise than mine, both generationally and subject matter.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Okay, Tim, let this old faggot me explain how video booths in the backs of dirty bookstores, most of which are gone now, gay men of Tim's generation probably have never been in one. Let me explain how it works for you and explain it for everyone else who missed the real story here. Which isn't that Mark Robinson, heterosexual man, likes porn.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
It's that Mark Robinson, heterosexual man, was sitting in a room where men go to suck dicks five nights a week for years. If you go into one of those booths, there are going to be holes in the walls and dicks are going to come through those holes and the dicks are a feature, not a bug. I'm sorry.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Having gay sex with him in his gay apartment later that same night made me gay enough for all practical purposes. But he thought he needed to teach me how the bathhouses worked and the cruising spots worked, the bushes in Lincoln Park, and especially how the dirty bookstore on Halstead with the video booths at the back with the glory holes in them, how they worked.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
If you seek out a place to straightly enjoy your straight porn while you masturbate straightly about straight stuff, and there are hard dicks coming through the walls in the place where you're sitting watching your straight porn, we get to call your straight straightliness into question. No one goes to a place like that despite the dicks. You go to a place like that for the dicks.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Kinzinger is right. It's about the hypocrisy. And Robinson's hypocrisy doesn't begin and end with his love of porn or his high tolerance for or love of dicks coming through walls. He's famously anti-choice. He thinks abortion should be banned in all cases, no exceptions for rape or incest. He's told women they won't need abortions if they could just be responsible enough to keep their skirts down.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
But when his girlfriend needed an abortion, Robinson paid for that abortion. With Girl Scout cookies, I'm guessing, since his actual money was going to porn shops. So Robinson, he is just another screw as I say, not as I screw Republican. Porn and dicks and abortion rights for me, prison and gay bashing and forced births. For thee. Mark Robinson now, some people need killing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Mark Robinson then, some dicks need sucking. I prefer the old Mark Robinson, the friendly, affable guy who by all reports brought pizza to the dirty video store to share with the other customers and the clerks who remember him. And in perhaps the most disturbing detail in that long story in the assembly, Mark would bring a whole pizza for himself and take it into the video booth and eat it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
which is grosser, I'm sorry, and more squalid than sitting in a video booth at the back of a dirty bookstore and eating a dick. All right, our next Savage Love Live, our monthly Zoom hangout for Magnum subs is this Thursday, 12 p.m. Pacific time. I will be answering questions live, talking with my subs, and bringing on a guest maybe. Want to join us, but not a Magnum sub?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Become one of my subs now by subscribing at savage.love slash subscribe. And coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As. Joining me on the micro, everyone's favorite simple country doctor, Dr. Barack. Everybody loves Dr. Barack for his compassionate, no-nonsense approach to the most fucked-up sex questions I can toss at him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
But did you know, like me, Dr. Barack is a politics junkie? This week, he's here to share the research he did on making political giving super-duper easy in this crucial moment in the upcoming election. He told me where to send money, how to send money, and I did it with him as we recorded. And you can listen and you can donate along with me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And I ambushed him, of course, at the end with an insane sex question because who doesn't like to hear Dr. Barack squirm? And our guest on the Magnum, because of course we have a guest on the Magnum too, Jill Filipovich, journalist, lawyer, author. She wrote OK Boomer. Let's talk about how my generation got left behind.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Jill returns to the show to help me tackle a question about generational wealth. Not a topic that comes up on the Lovecast often, but a question that Jill is absolutely the perfect guest to help me answer. All right, let's get to the first call. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the makers of my mattress and your next mattress.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. This is their best offer yet. It won't last long. Go get your new mattress. With Helix, better sleep starts now. This episode is brought to you by NoCD. You have repeated unwanted thoughts that are violent, sexual, or aggressive in nature? It could be OCD.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Now that all sounds pretty squalid, I realize, and it all felt pretty squalid to me at the time. But understand that the baths and the bushes and the bookstores were where gay men and bi men and closet cases who were looking for dick right away went before gay.com and then Craigslist and then Grindr and then Scruff and then Sniffies all came along.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
NoCD offers virtual therapy that can help you reclaim your life from OCD. Their therapists are all OCD specialists, so they understand intrusive thoughts, even the ones that feel too shameful to share. To learn more about therapy with NoCD, go to NoCD.com to schedule a free 15-minute call. That's NoCD.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
She doesn't like to be kissed on the mouth. She doesn't like those wet faces coming together. How does she feel about, I don't know, the other end of her gastrointestinal tract? How does she feel about having her ass eaten? Does that do anything for you, making out with the other end of the GI tract? I don't know. It seems to me that you two have a fundamental disconnect here.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
If kissing is something that you require... to get going, to feel engaged erotically, to become aroused. And kissing is something, for neurodivergent reasons, that she absolutely positively cannot do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
If this thing that gives you not just tremendous pleasure, but this thing you kind of need to experience all the other pleasures that come bundled with sex, that thing triggers her fight or flight response, probably you're not going to be able to do that thing. You may be, or you may not be, you guys have made this work up to now, sexually incompatible.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
You know, if you need X and somebody absolutely positively cannot do X, and X isn't just something that you enjoy, one of the many things that you enjoy, but it's crucial. It's the gateway enjoyment thing that takes you to all the other things that you enjoy and that hopefully your partner also enjoys, but they can't do X. Well, maybe you shouldn't be together. You are together.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
So far, you have figured out how to make this work. You bring up neuroplasticity and not to change her and her feelings, but to change you and your feelings. And what I think you're trying to get at there is, is there a way to decenter kissing from your erotic script, erotic imagination, the thing that gets you going, the key that you slip in to start the engine? Is there something else?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
maybe eating her ass, maybe making out with her armpits. Maybe there's some place you can go with your mouth that engages with an erogenous zone of hers where she enjoys that kind of tonguing, open mouth kissing, that sort of allowing you to be the sucker fish or whatever it is that you need to be to click in. When it comes to people adopting different like
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
Anyway, I wasn't interested in the bushes or the bathhouses or the bookstores. First, I couldn't share a can of Coke with my sister, passing it back and forth, because backwash and cooties. I certainly wasn't at 16 or 17 going to suck a dick that had been in 10 other mouths for all I knew. And I had a lot of uncles. My mom had five siblings. My dad had eight.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
sex acts, whether we're talking, you know, just from the vanilla play box or the kink play box, people will grow and change and will wind up one day doing, enjoying things that when they first began their sexual journey, they didn't anticipate that they would enjoy or ever really want to do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
And when you sit down with somebody and really talk about it, you can usually trace the thread back that there was a thread that ran through from, you know, being held down for a kinkster, like, They really were aroused by being held down.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
They liked to be held down, all the way up to the insane bondage they do now, which if you'd suggested to them they might be interested in that, when all they really wanted to do was be held down, they would have been like, ooh, no, gross. But they grew in that direction, but there is this thread. I don't know what that thread would be for you, for kissing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 932
What are the sensual and erotic engagement of kissing, that pressing your faces together, drinking each other's saliva, breathing their breath in, taking in their carbon monoxide along with their saliva, and just being that close and that intimate, tasting each other's mouths in that way, what flows from that? Of course, my mind went straight to eating her ass.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I'm using action to refer to the affair, this three-year affair. I would encourage you kids to tell yourselves that you just don't know what was going on in your parents' marriage. You don't know what sort of compromises, contingencies were made over the decades your parents were together. And I was talking to your mom. I would just tell her,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
to look at the sum total of the marriage, not just the betrayal of the affair, but everything that they were to each other. And to regard this as... a serious betrayal that caused her a lot of pain, particularly to find out in the way she found out about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Or I fucked around, I took a risk, I behaved a little recklessly, and I found someone I wanted to keep fucking around with for a while or forever. My point, sometimes we fuck around and find out something good. Sometimes we fuck around and find out something great. So here's what I want for my birthday. I want you, yes, you with the earbuds in listening to the show at the gym.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And at the moment she found out about it, where she wasn't then in a position to confront your father, to process it, to, to work through it, to ask, be asked for forgiveness that maybe she could have gotten to a place where she could extend that forgiveness to him. No, she finds out and he drops fucking dead. And so this is always going to be,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Not that the resolution of a pain like this makes the pain disappear or makes everything uncomplicated and rosy again, but to have some resolution, even if what you resolved is I'm mad and I'm sorry. And that's as far as you could get before your dad dropped dead. That would be something. And your mother was denied in the moment that this all came out, even that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And I just ache for your mother, but I would encourage your mother to see this marriage, not only through the lens of this affair at the very end of it, but to see the totality of it. And maybe if she can see the totality of it, it will not erase, not disappear the affair and what it meant, but dilute it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
You know, I think when you're in a longterm relationship, I think what all relationships are stories that two people create together. The couple is a story that's told by the couple to each other. The couple is also a story that each of those people in that couple tell to others together and separately about who they are and what they mean to each other.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And your mom's story about her relationship about her marriage is a lot more complicated than it was a week and a half ago, but it's not complicated in a way that a lot of people's marriages and relationships aren't also complicated.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
A lot of people out there who've been cheated on and taken someone back or forgiven them or left them and managed to salvage from the calamity, the catastrophe of the affair and the betrayal, a friendship, or even still a marriage. People cheat, get past it, stay married, recommit, are able then to see or feel the love that the revelation of the affair may have obscured for months or years.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It can reemerge. And that's a story your mother could tell herself about this affair. Instead of telling herself, this means he never loved me, She can tell herself this means our love was big and messy and complicated. And he was an asshole and selfish and did something terrible.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And maybe if he'd lived for another couple of years, I could have divorced his ass, but stayed in his life because we have kids together or we would have reconciled. I think in the telling of that story, your mother may find some peace because in the same way that a couple is a story, it's a myth two people create together and a story two people tell each other and tell others about who they are.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Your mother's going to have a story to tell about her marriage now that she's a widow. And what is that story going to be? And what is that story going to look like? And how much weight and importance is she going to place on
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
shitty awful selfish boneheaded thing her dead husband did toward the end of his life and how much weight is she going to put on everything else that the relationship was and meant and achieved including you kids as the shock of it fades the shock of the affair, how she found out about it, and then her husband's death.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Yes, you listening to the show in your car with the five-year-old in the backseat that you hope is asleep. Yes, you on the subway wondering if the little old lady sitting next to you can hear the show over your headphones. And yes, she can. I want you to jump into the comment thread for this week's show and share something good you found out fucking around.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It'll never recede out of sight, but hopefully it will recede to some proportionate way and not be the only thing she can think about or the only thing she sees or takes away from however many decades your parents spent together. My heart goes out to you and your siblings and most of all your mother. And not that it matters, not that it helps, but I'm mad at your dad too.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I've been traveling a bit lately, but no matter where I land, whether I'm at my boyfriend's place or at home with my husband, I crash on a Helix mattress. So yeah, the person I'm sleeping with, that sometimes changes, but what I'm sleeping on never changes. When it comes to mattresses, I am monogamous.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection, that's ours, the newly released Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix Sleep Quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes, and your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And with their 100-night sleep trial, you can try it out, try out your new mattress, see how your body adjusts, and if you decide it's not the best fit, you're welcome to return it for a full refund.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Each and every Helix mattress is made by a team of skilled manufacturers and shipped directly from their facility to your door. And right now, Helix is offering my listeners 20% off all mattress orders. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. With Helix, better sleep starts now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Hello, Team Savage, early 40s male living on the East Coast, and I'm seeking suggestions or a plan to achieve a lifelong fetish as ethically as possible. I have always been attracted to pregnant women. I know, I'm one of those creeps. I'd love the opportunity to give someone a full-body, luxurious massage and pamper or prostrate whatever that person wanted.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
My fetish has actually made me a lifelong advocate for reproductive freedom and informed many of my practices as a social worker. So, I want a pregnant hookup who is happy to be objectified or to objectify me. Here are my complications.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Some partners in the past, while always GGG, even while generously trying to wear a fake belly and breast set, take me immediately out of the moment and kill my arousal. It's not their fault. I couldn't commit to the fantasy. My spouse and I are together because we do not want children. And I got a vasectomy pre-pandemic, so the obvious choice is out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Any hookups I would seek have an obvious timeline constraint between showing and giving birth. And most pregnant people aren't dating or swinging for obvious reasons. It also, from their perspective, probably feels like a rushed decision for anyone pregnant looking for a hookup like me, assuming such a person exists.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
If it's not something you want to share with the whole class, if it's something for my eyes only, you can email your fucked around and found out something good story to me at mail at savagelove.net. This is all I want for my birthday. Some good stories about the great things that happened to you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And I'd want the person to feel that they have properly vetted me until they feel safe, as America can be a scary place for any expecting family. Is this scene something I'd put on the front page of a hookup app? How do I put this out there?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Joining me to help answer this question, Randy Rainbow, four-time Emmy and Grammy-nominated American comedian, producer, actor, singer, writer, satirist, host, and New York Times bestselling author. His musical parodies and political spoofs have garnered him worldwide acclaim. We were the first to acclaim him on this program.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
His latest book, Low-Hanging Fruits, Sparkling Wines, Champagne Problems, and Pressing Issues from My Gay Agenda, out October 8th from St. Martin's Press. Randy, welcome back to the Lovecast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I was digging through some old tweets to find an old mean tweet I sent out about Tim Miller in 2015. And I found a tweet I sent out about you in 2015 telling HBO to give you a special already. 2016, the Randy Rainbow fan club card in my wallet. I am member 001. I am number one Randy Rainbow fan.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
All right, before we get to this call, your last book, Playing With Myself, came out like five minutes ago and now you have a new book out, Collection of Humorous Essays. Randy, you're making me look bad in front of my publisher who's been waiting for a new book since 2013. Stop it. How do you produce so much tremendous content?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Yeah. I told my publisher, as soon as I'm done reading Twitter, I will crank out another book. But there's just more to read every day.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Okay, so I thought you were the perfect guest expert to tackle this man's problem because his issue is, you know, he says he's had partners who are GGG, willing to wear pads, fake being pregnant.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Is that Golden Girls something? What is GGG? Good giving in game, good in bed, giving of life. pleasure, attention, and game for anything within reason. His problem is he couldn't commit, that it threw him out. And Randy, his problem is he can't commit to the bet. You are the master of committing to the bet. Give him some advice about committing to the bet. He He wants to find a pregnant.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
My listeners, when you got out there and you were literally fucking around, fucking around in the fucking around sense of fucking around, fucking around in the having sex sense of fucking around, which, you know, can involve sometimes risky or reckless behavior, unwise decisions, and still not all of the consequences are negative. Sometimes the consequences, sometimes what you find out is positive.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
He's like a guy with a pregnancy fetish. They exist. Hopefully all the women who just listen to this aren't going to think that all straight men who are supporters of reproductive freedom are secretly creepy pregnancy fetishes like this guy is, although he credits his pregnancy fetish for his support of reproductive freedom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
But he can't commit in that he's not he's not that somebody who's wearing a fake pregnancy pad is not really pregnant. And what he wants is a really pregnant woman. You do these amazing videos where you're performing with opposite Donald Trump, J.D. Vance, Ted Cruz, Marjorie Taylor Greene. And it's like you're in the room with them. So you don't have any problem committing to the bed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
This is one of those kinks that's really hard to realize because like the caller said, you know, most women who are pregnant are partnered. They're not out there swinging. They're not single. They're probably not in the mood to be perved over by somebody who objectifies them for sex. pregnancy, which for them is like this miracle. They're going to have a child. It wasn't sexual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It's not a kink that they're pregnant. And yet he wants them to like allow someone whose kink is, Oh my God, this woman is pregnant to basically rub them all over. And there might be some women who are pregnant who might be into that, but they're going to be few and far between. And the odds that he's going to be in the same place, same time zone at the same time as one of those women.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And what he can get is a GGG partner who's willing to pretend to be pregnant, but he's saying that that's not good enough for him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
We save up our best straight people calls for you, Randy, all year long. So weird. So your amazing videos, which have just gotten better and better and better, you're still making them in your living room?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I'm so in awe of you, and you're one of those people that each success of yours just brings me such joy and pleasure. Oh, my God. I follow you on Instagram, and every time you put pictures up of you at the Emmys, you with divas and heroes, I live vicariously through you, and I'm so happy for you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Every time you're in Seattle to do your show, I'm not in Seattle. And every time I'm in New York, you're not in New York. So we've never actually met in person.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Life-changing. So, what did you find out fucking around that you were happy to find out? Jump into the comment thread and share. Do it for me for my birthday. All right, coming up on today's show on the micro and the magnum, Randy Rainbow is back. He's here to talk about his new book, Low Hanging Fruit.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Randy Rainbow, thank you for coming back on the show. Thank you. I love you. I hope you're enjoying my conversation with the amazing Randy Rainbow. For more of my conversation with Randy, become a Magnum Savage Lovecast subscriber today at savage.com.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Hey folks, if you're a Savage Lovecast listener, we know you like true stories and we think you'll love the radically honest true stories on the podcast Risk.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Risk is where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share, like the one about the guy who cooked and served his own leg to his friends as tacos, or the one about the woman who found out the person she was anonymously sharing her kinky fantasies with online was her dad. Risk is one of the first podcasts I ever followed, and it's still one of my favorite weekly listens.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Host and creator Kevin Allison created an amazing show and community really at Risk. If you've never heard it and you're looking for something bingeable for a trip or a long flight, download Risk now and you will be instantly hooked. If you think you've heard it all, just wait till you hear Risk. Listen and follow Risk on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Randy also sticks around to give a little sex advice and talk with me about pregnancy fetishists and nudism evangelists and how weird some straight people can be. And a note for our Magnum subs. Our next Savage Love Live is Thursday, October 17th at noon Pacific. Savage Love Live is a special Zoom hangout exclusively for our Magnum subscribers. Not a Magnum sub yet.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
That leapt out at me when I was listening to your question. You guys opened your relationship? You know, when it was just the two of you, The sex was equal and even because every time you had sex, you were having sex with each other, monogamous relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And then when you opened it up to just that one other person and became a kind of de facto throuple, and you're having a lot of three ways, you were still having basically the same amount of sex. You were both getting the same amount of dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
But now that you're going out to bathhouses, now that you're having NSA sex, no strings attached sex, anonymous sex, a kind of sex that your husband doesn't enjoy, He feels jealous. I don't think it's quite the right word. There is, I think, in gay male relationships, this masculine shit around competitiveness. We see our partners as people we love and equals, but also there's just this like...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Competitive one-upmanship in male friendships, male relationships, and even gay male loving relationships, which is where this desire of your partners to keep up, to match you dick for dick arises. Maybe coming from, and if he can identify that as what he needs to let go of, maybe you can diffuse this tense situation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Right now for you, quantity is quality, but for your partner, quality matters more than quantity. Yeah. I've seen this in other gay male couples where they open their relationship up and one was getting a lot more play.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
We talk about this a lot when it comes to straight couples opening their relationships where it's often a lot easier for a woman in an open marriage or relationship to find men willing to sleep with partnered women than it is for straight men to find women who are willing to sleep with partnered men. And so this competitiveness can play out differently in different relationships.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
But I think it's really acute in male relationships because of that male competitiveness. It's almost like, you know, kids when mom and dad are dividing up the ice cream for dessert and you want to have your portions be exactly the same.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
That sort of sibling rivalry I think can play out in game out relationships, but also that you're getting so much more than me, even though, you know, he's still getting some more. Yeah. but not as much as you. But what he needs to recognize and accept is that he doesn't want as much as you do. And so it's not a numbers game.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It's not about matching each other dick for dick and it being even and the portions of dick ice cream being exactly the same. It's about what do you want? What makes you happy? What does he want? What makes him happy?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And there was something you said in your question that made it sound like your partner's going out there and getting some Anandic himself or nearly Anand or going with you to the bathhouses. And he's not enjoying what he's doing because it's not what he wants to do. He's only doing it to keep up. And if he could let go of that...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
that impulse to keep up, to match you, to make sure it's fair and focus on fair in numbers and focus on fairness in sexual fulfillment, self-actualization, each of you making space in your relationship for the other to have what he wants right now in the proportion and the degree that he wants and needs it right now. I am kind of taking your side here because I think your partner is
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Hey everybody, it is my birthday this week and I'm away. So got a short intro for you, a packed show, but a short intro and an ask, a favor, something I want you, my listeners, to do for me for my birthday. You know that expression, fuck around and find out? It's never good what people find out. Someone fucks around taking selfies at the top of the Grand Canyon and they find out about gravity.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
is focusing on the numbers of dicks as opposed to the number of dicks that he wants, matching you dick for dick, as opposed to having the freedom to explore what he wants, how he wants to explore it, as you have the freedom to explore what you want, how you want to explore it. And there, there's the baseline freedom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Become one of my subs right now at savage.love slash subscribe. And you will get an invite to come to the next Savage Love Live, which is again Thursday, October 17th
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Rather than counting the dicks, what you should do is place value and importance on that one thing. Not the number of dicks that you've each had this week, but the freedom you both enjoy to go out there as individuals, also as a couple together, and have experiences that you enjoy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
you both plural and singular there, that you two enjoy together as a couple, that you two each enjoy solo as individuals. And yeah, if he's out there sucking dicks that he doesn't want to suck just so he got to suck as many dicks as you got to suck, that's not going to be pleasant for him. And if you don't get to suck as many dicks as you want to suck because he's
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
making this category error about what's fair and what's not fair, that's not going to be good for you either. So sit down with your partner, have a conversation, try not to lay all the blame at his feet. But right now I think the issue here, the problem here is his.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
noon pacific and hey maybe at savage love live some people some subs can share in real time with me on the show your best fucked around and found out something good stories all right happy birthday to me thanks in advance for all your great stories that i just know you're dying to share at savage.love on this show's comment threads and now let's get to that first call this episode is brought to you by helix sleep the very best mattress designed with your comfort in mind
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And we're gonna leave it there. There are three ways to get us your questions and comments for future shows. You can record your question or your comment on our website at savage.love.com. Or you can make a voice memo and email us your question to q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Right now, get 20% off the mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It is your last chance this weekend to catch Hump 2024 Part 2 in San Francisco in a theater. Cleveland, Juneau, Nashville, Brooklyn, Atlanta, Hump 2024 Part 2 is coming soon to a theater in you. Can't make it to a theater for a screening or just want to have a Hump viewing party at home? You can stream Hump. Go to humpfilmfest.com for tickets to hump in theaters and home streaming passes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Our next Savage Love Live for Magnum subs is Thursday, October 17th at noon Pacific. Savage Love Live, of course, is our special Zoom hangout exclusively for our Magnum subscribers. Not one of my subs yet. Become one of my subs right now at savage.love slash subscribe and you will get an invite to the next Savage Love Live in your email on the morning of the show.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at blue sky at Dan Savage. Follow Randy rainbow on Instagram and threads and Twitter at Randy rainbow. Get his new book, low hanging fruit, wherever books are sold. The savage love cast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at risk youth and Nancy and
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Well, I'll be back at you next week with an installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading. And now you know what you need to do for me. Jump into the comment thread on this show and share your best fucked around and found out something good story.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Either this guy is an asshole and you know that now based on his reaction to your asking for some help. Or you left something out. You kept saying you exposed him. Now, doesn't sound like he contracted COVID. So even if you were hanging out with him when you first began to show symptoms and then you realized you had COVID and you think, oh, well, I exposed him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Therefore, he should come cuddle with me and pet my hair while I'm sick with COVID. He didn't contract it necessarily. So he may not want to cuddle and hang out and hold your hand and sit next to you on the couch while you're sick because even though you quote unquote technically exposed him, he didn't from that one exposure to you when you were becoming symptomatic, contract COVID.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
Or in 2016, a whole bunch of people fucked around in the voting booth and voted third party because they thought Clinton was going to win and they find out, yeah, that wasn't a lock for Clinton. Best definition for fuck around and find out, I could find after fucking around online for a bit, was written by John Ancora.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It didn't take. He didn't get sick and he doesn't want to get sick. And so he doesn't want to hang out with you. But there's something about the coldness and almost anger in his reaction that has me wondering if what you left out is you kind of knew you had COVID or suspected you had COVID or he thinks you should have known that you had COVID when you hung out with him and exposed him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, well, there's nothing you can't ask on the Savage Lovecast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
which is not a technicality that then requires him to show up at your apartment and make sure that second exposure takes, if the first didn't, by holding you at a moment when, understandably, you're sick, you'd like to be held. I came down with COVID once. My boyfriend promptly left the apartment and I didn't see him for two weeks. Three weeks, because I took Paxilvid and had rebound.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
It fucking sucked. But just because he was my boyfriend and we were around each other a little bit at the start didn't obligate him to stick around and really get COVID. Make sure he got COVID. So, look, yeah. Either he's an asshole or he's angry about whatever went down when you exposed him. If he's an asshole, fuck him. Break up with him. He's not your partner.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
He didn't react to you getting sick in the loving way you would expect a partner to. And you know how you expect a partner to react? Someone you don't live with at a moment where you get COVID? They say, oh my God, you're sick. I will be right there. with food and anything else that you need. You need to go get your meds. You need anything comfort foodie special.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I will run to that market or wherever and I will get you that special comfort foodie thing and I will leave it all on your porch because I don't want to get COVID. And then I will call you and we can FaceTime and watch something together on Netflix in our separate apartments where I won't get COVID. And then you can keep testing. And when you test negative, I will be there in person.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
when I'm no longer at risk of getting infected with this illness, which is still killing people by the hundreds, not the tens of thousands and hundreds of thousands anymore, but some people do get it and fucking die. And I don't know your boyfriend.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I don't know if he has some underlying medical condition that could make COVID riskier for him than it is for other people in his age demographic who are otherwise generally healthy. I'm generally healthy. I have fucked up lungs and asthma. COVID was pretty risky for me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
If I were your boyfriend, I would have run all the errands, gotten all the meds, brought you all your special things, special food, everything you need. But I would not have cuddled you on the couch. I wouldn't have. So his cold reaction, he's an asshole. and you should ask him to bring food to your house one more time, and then you should break up with him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
A colloquial expression used to convey a warning or a challenge, it implies that if someone continues to engage in risky or reckless behavior, they will eventually face negative consequences. The phrase is often used humorously or sarcastically to caution against making unwise decisions.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
First, I'm so sorry for your loss and your siblings' loss and what your mother lost, which isn't just her husband of however many years, but also your her idea of what their marriage was and what they meant to each other and what they had achieved together. There are two different ways to understand a kind of late in life, late in a multi-decade marriage affair like this. You can understand it
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
You know, it seems to me when read literally and read pedantically, fucking around, taking risks doesn't always lead to negative consequences. I know it's been true in my own life, and I can't imagine I'm the only one out there for whom this is true, but there have been times when I fucked around and found out something I needed to know or wanted to know.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
in the way that we're encouraged to understand infidelity. That if somebody could cheat on you, if they could do that, particularly a protracted affair, that's proof that they did not love you and that the relationship, this marriage, was a lie. That becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We're told that. We're told that that's how we should understand an affair, infidelity.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And then we feel that way when we learn that that we were cheated on. Yeah, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. There's another way to understand it. Life is long. Relationships are complicated. People, as Esther Perel writes in State of Affairs, people often cheat, not because they don't love their partner, but for reasons that have something to do with a need of theirs as an individual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
And it doesn't negate the love and the commitment that existed but was complicated by the affair, tarnished by the affair that your father was so close to getting away with. You know, I have a letter, very different circumstance, from a married man who for a few years was going to places, massage parlors during a low point in his marriage and getting happy ending massages.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
which he stopped doing like four years ago. And he's wrestling with whether he needs to tell his wife to shift the burden of knowing from his shoulders to her shoulders, to relieve himself of the guilt by relieving himself all over her and destroy in the telling, her idea of what their marriage is and how their marriage has functioned over the decades they've been together.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
I think he should keep his fucking mouth shut. If I could jump in a time machine and snatch that phone out of your mother's hands, I would because yeah, it would have been better if your father had gone to his grave, having successfully hidden this affair from your mother and your mother, never found out about it and you kids never found out about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 936
But what you found out was something that you should have always probably assumed, which is not that your dad was a cheater, but that your dad was a complicated and contradictory person capable of bad, shitty, selfish, inconsiderate, potentially really damaging to the people he loved actions like this one. Action makes it sound like a one-off singular.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You're listening to the micro version of the Savage Lovecast at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
impossible to fully extricate yourself from this relationship. Legally, family doesn't have a duty to warn people who are about to marry in. Morally, there are cases when a family does have a duty to warn. I think this is one of those cases. Again, not telling you what to do, but in your shoes, I would say something to her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Camille Paglia does not care what makes your dick hard. And you can't really help what makes your dick hard. And yeah, cowboys. Their ties to manifest destiny and their active participation often in... genocide of Native America. Like, yeah, yeah, it's terribly problematic. But you know what the thing is about fetishes and kinks and being into certain types, uniforms?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Nobody dresses up like the good guys. Nobody dresses up like motherfucking Teresa's nuns. Nobody dresses up like Republicans in the Spanish Civil War. People dress up and are turned on by fearsome figures that loom large in our imaginations and then for some,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
The new high reported earlier this summer. The new high in the number of people living on the streets in New York City. So about this shocked and aghast local, he wasn't so shocked, he wasn't so aghast that he was paralyzed. He was able to pull out his cell phone and start recording a video from his window.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
cross through that barrier and wind up blooming large in our erotic imaginations and there's literally nothing you can do about it you could feel bad about it sounds like you felt bad about it probably for decades and where has it gotten you Cowboys aren't making your dick any less hard at 64 than cowboys were at 54 or 34, 24 or 14. You have to live with your kinks and live with your fetishes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And what makes you a good or bad person or academic or East Coast pointy-headed liberal is how you express them, how you share them. And there are ways to live out your worst experiences. Sexual kinks, fetishes, to fetishize the worst people without making more terrible people and without being the worst person.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Find other people who share your kink and consensually indulge with them, whatever that looks like. And remember...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
kink role play it's just theater and nobody has a problem when you go to a movie and there's hannibal lecter carving people up and people watch that movie and experience fear and release and yeah and that's fine you had a boner and people are like oh i'm a terrible person no you're not a terrible person you just like your desire for this kind of cathartic role play is
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
is tied up with your erotic imagination. And it's, I'm sorry, you listen to this show, presumably you called me. This is so common, right?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
On feminist, strong, powerful women who want to have their hair pulled and their asses slapped and be called sluts during sex by someone who respects them, that they chose and empowered to treat them like that for a set period of time are no less feminist, maybe are more feminist because they're doing what it is that they want to do with who they want to do that shit with than someone who's a feminist who doesn't have that kind of fantasy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
It's just a cliche that people are attracted to the symbolism and power and threat in certain archetypes that are negatively correlated with terrible world events. You don't think skinheads have negative connotations? The reason anti-racist skinheads have to identify themselves as anti-racist skinheads is because the assumption is a skinhead is a racist.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So yeah, the alts you tossed out there, the alternatives you tossed out there to your problematic cowboy fetish, if you thought about them as deeply as you've thought about your cowboy fetish that isn't going anywhere, you would recognize that there are problems with them too. And so stop if this call was for real, like maybe this was JD Vance pranking me.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Stop putting yourself through the, you're 64 fucking years old. The stuff that turns you on is going to keep turning you on until you fucking die. There is nothing that you can do about this. You have to recognize when it comes to kink, fantasy, role play, sexual archetypes that just fucking turn you on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You have to recognize what you can realize in real life, consensually in a way that makes you feel good about yourself, makes the person that you're with feel good about them, feel good about your connection around this shared kink and the kinks that can never be realized because they're impossible because it's a centaur you want to sleep with or a minor.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
There are unrealizable kinks for moral and ethical reasons. Cowboys are not one of them. There are, yeah, some kinks that make other people feel uncomfortable perhaps because they're archetype you're attracted to is somebody associated with world historical traumatic crimes and that's not a coincidence. It's not a coincidence.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Three videos, in fact, that he sent to the New York Post, which published them on their website. Now, I'm not a lawyer, but what this guy did, who I'm guessing actually isn't a local, not a born and bred New Yorker, I'm guessing what he did... violates New York's revenge porn law, which prohibits the distribution of intimate images without the consent of the people in them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Terrifying, terrible figures that loom large in world history or in current events have a way of imprinting themselves on our erotic imaginations because we are drawn to them and repelled by them in sort of equal measure and that line between arousal and disgust is isn't just about eating ass. It's also about getting down on your knees and sucking cowboy cock.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
My friend, I just want you to know that I see you and you are valid. But your website could use a little work, my friend. I recommend Squarespace. Here are just a few of the things that you can do with Squarespace. Start a completely personalized website with the new guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You choose from professionally curated layout and styling options to build your own online presence from the ground up, tailored to your special style and optimized for every device. Easily launch your website and get discovered fast with integrated optimized SEO tools so you show up more often to more people and grow the way you want.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And you can sell exclusive content on your site by adding a paywall to sell memberships or courses or sell files your customers can download like PDFs, music or ebooks. This would be cripplingly difficult for my band to set up on our own. So we're very glad to use Squarespace's tools. It's just so easy and it works perfectly. Head on over to squarespace.com for a free trial.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Partialism is a sexual interest or obsession with a particular part of the body. Being really into boobs, being really into tits, that is a partialism in the same way that a foot fetish is a partialism, but it's kind of a majoritarian partialism. Most men are into, most straight men are into nice tits.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So the guys who are into nice tits, that common sexual interest, desire, that partialism, they don't feel freakish or weird because it's so widely shared. A thing for feet is a kind of very common partialism. Foot fetishes are a very common partialism, but guys who are into feet feel weird because most guys aren't.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So we recognize it as a paraphilia or an obsession in a way we don't, or a freakish obsession, freakish paraphilia, in the way we don't recognize a thing for nice tits as kind of a fetish. Also a kind of partialism. That wasn't your question. I just always think that's really interesting. But your question is like, are there women out there with foot fetishes?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Well, most people who experience partialism, where there's just a certain body part that they are obsessed with in this way, are men. Which is not to say that there aren't women out there. Glamour UK had a big article where they went and found a few women who have foot fetishes. But it's really uncommon.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Now, people fucking in public don't have a reasonable expectation of privacy, a legal standard that allows news organizations and individuals to take pictures of people in public. But it would be an interesting test case. Revenge porn statutes punish people who distribute sexual images with the intent to do harm. They want to get their ex fired or ruin their ex's relationship with their parents.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
It does seem to be something about male sexuality, the male brain, the male capacity, the male brain's capacity. And you know, making generalizations here, about 4 billion people, 4 billion people, there'll be hundreds of millions of exceptions. But the way the male brain, its capacity for abstract thought, abstract associations, is
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
and I am way out on a limb here, and this shit is way above my pay grade, but it just is a common and observable fact that most people with paraphilias, most people with these kinds of kinks are male people. And sometimes I have conversations with female fetishists who have told me that they think it's all about socialization. Men are encouraged to
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
ask for what they want, demand what they want, and being encouraged to ask for what you want or demand what you want can help you realize or articulate what it is that you want.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But what you often see is this difference between male and female sexuality where men are kind of males, sign male at birth persons, hyper aware of their kinks and fetishes at a very early age, and women sort of grow into their sense of their kinks. in their late twenties and thirties.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
It's why 50 shades of gray was a phenomenon, not among 18 year old women who just got to college, but among 40 year old women whose kid just went to college. Is that socialization? Is there something natural about that? Well, we can point to the slut shaming.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
We can point to the way women are socialized to defer to men, which can really bury a person's sense of their own agency and what their desires, their actual authentic desires at their core, what they want might be. I often point to sexual peak like a,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
15-year-old boy is masturbating 10 times a day in a way that a 15-year-old girl, even one who is masturbating, isn't masturbating at that furious clip. There's that peak, a male, cliche male, hits. And that sexual peak, women seem to hit their sexual peak later in life. And I think
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
My pull-from-my-ass theory is there's something about going through that sexual peak that can bring into focus what your kinks are, what your non-normative sexual interests might be. And so males often arrive at all their partner sex, all their relationships with this awareness of what their kinks are, because they were aware of them before they had partner sex, whereas women grow into them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
They hit their sexual peak, all of these things come into focus. And that can be a problem for women in long-term relationships where they went and found the one guy in the pile of guys who doesn't have a foot fetish, doesn't have any weird paraphilias, didn't ask for anything or ask you to be GGG about anything weird. Not, I'm not talking about gross or traumatic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I'm just talking about you didn't see that coming and yeah. And then you partner with somebody with no kinks and when your kinks kick in at 40 and
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You will regret not having had a kinky partner that whole time whose kinks you were indulging and enjoying indulging because you enjoyed giving your partner pleasure who now that you're 35 years old and suddenly interested in S&M or whatever else now they owe you. So anyway, short answer, are there women foot fetishists out there?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Yes, there are, but they are far fewer in number than male fetishists for all sorts of reasons that we can theorize about, but we can't quite understand fully. This episode is sponsored by Talkspace. Whenever I advise people to get therapy, whenever I say to somebody, go get therapy, I often hear the same two excuses. It's too time-consuming or it's too expensive.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And this guy, Mr. Aghast, he sicked the New York Post on this pair. He wanted the police to do something. And the police aren't exactly a benign presence in the lives of homeless people. They could have been harmed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But if you use Talkspace, those excuses melt away. Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. We'll be right back. Talkspace Therapy and Psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans and employers. Most insured members have a zero copay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Talkspace provides personalized treatment for individuals, couples, the LGBTQIA plus community, veterans, and teens. And as a listener of this podcast, you will get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Savage and enter promo code SpaceX.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
To match with a licensed therapist today to get the help you need, go to Talkspace.com slash Savage and enter promo code SPACE80. That's S-P-A-C-E-8-0 to get $80 off your first month. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. Talkspace.com slash Savage. Promo code SPACE80.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Joining me to help tackle this question, AJ Berlin, who has lived in Berlin for eight years, been going to Folsom Berlin for many of those years, a kink educator, teaches BDSM workshops across Europe, and is a gay man or was more gay with pan sprinkles now. AJ, welcome to the Savage Lovecast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Back to the post, locals, they went and found some more of them, locals bemoaned the daylight debauchery as a symptom of the area's decay, particularly given how close it is, where those two people were fucking, how close it is to the waterfront pathway, which is regularly used by bikers and joggers, as well as families out for a stroll. I watched the videos.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So Folsom Berlin, when she asks if I'm aware of any, you know, big leather fetish events that aren't geared exclusively toward gay men, I want to say, yeah, Folsom SF. But Folsom Berlin ain't Folsom SF, is it?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
However, there are... Wait, they're by queer people for queer people or by gay men for gay men, many of the events?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But she says she's tried to look around at the events attached to Folsom Berlin, and a lot of them are for men only. Are they not?
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And that's okay, right? Gay men are allowed to have some events that are for gay men?
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
That said, in Berlin, there are a lot more events and fetish parties that are a lot more inclusive and welcoming. And when we talk about the events attached to Folsom Berlin, we mean the parties a lot. And I go to Folsom Berlin. I've been a bunch of times. I've never been to the parties, but the street festival, which is what a lot of people go for. I see lots of women at the street festival.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I do think that's fucked up, particularly on the trans people angle. I've been to some of the sex clubs in Berlin. I was with Qualgeist recently and it was a men's night and there were some trans men there and nobody had a problem with it and it was totally fine.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So that's obviously like... Prinzkenest is a very famous gay bar on Fugastrasse, which is where Folsom Berlin, the street festival where everybody's welcome, takes place. I noticed last time I was there, they used to have a sign saying, over Prince Connect that said men only, and that would be enforced after 10 p.m., and now it says men's bar.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
It's gone from a dictate to a suggestion, and maybe there's some progress there.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
They're behind a barricade under a freeway. Anyone walking down the path would not be able to see them. Only someone peering down from the window of an apartment above could see them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But to the caller's question, she and her male heteroflexible sub would be perfectly welcome and feel comfortable at the street fair, especially if they're in some gear. If you show up looking like American tourists who wandered in off Kerfurstendamm, you're going to get some looks. But if you show up in gear… looking like you're a kinkster too. You're just straight or pan or by kinksters.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I try not to hate. Really I do. But every once in a while, I hate so hard. And I think the people I may hate most, the people I hate hardest, are the people out there who tell the New York Post how outraged and disgusted they are. It's always sex they're outraged and disgusted by, which, of course, none of the vestal virgins who own, edit, write for, or read the New York Post has ever had.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You're not going to get grief from gay men. The gay men at the street fair are happy to see you there. Maybe not the gay man managing one of the bars off the street, but the people at the festival are happy to see you. And we'll be welcome.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And if they want to go to an event or a party, are there any events and parties, kink spaces, queer spaces that are more inclusive than the men only parties she stumbled over looking around on the internet?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Anyone walking by who managed to maybe hear them over the roar of the traffic on the FDR above them and then decided to climb over the barricade to check out where that wet slapping sound was coming from would only have themselves to blame for what they saw. Look, we're in the middle of a housing crisis that is helping to drive the homelessness crisis.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I only go for the cocktails. I'm just there for the food. Of course, of course.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So there are a lot of options for her. She didn't have much luck looking around on her own on the internet. You've tossed out a lot of names of a lot of places that she could go with her partner and feel welcome. And again, I want to emphasize welcome at the street party. Welcome at the street party. I do want to drill down for just a second though. Like you talked about Flinter.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I know it's not an apples to orange comparison because there are very few venues that are welcoming of everybody compared to the many places that are men only. But... you know, if it's a sex space and things sometimes happen in sex spaces when it's all men that probably wouldn't work in a mixed space. I'm thinking of a dark room where by entering the dark room, you've consented to being groped.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And that doesn't like a lot of assigned female at birth persons and women and even some trans men because of the, the trauma that builds up over the course of your life, if you move to the world presenting as a female around unwanted touch or sexual attention, the social norms in a dark room, in a venue that is for men, you're not going to feel comfortable in there most likely.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And so like, is it a good thing that you can't go to that place? Is it a front? Are gay men allowed to have some spaces where we say like, our social norms apply here and these only kind of work in a single sex environment with the caveat that I think trans men belong in those spaces.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Maybe the way out of the impasse here is the men's only thing need to be more special events and one-offs as opposed to the norm or the default setting so that everybody feels welcome most of the time. And every once in a while we step back and go, okay, this is the flinter party and me and my dick.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
We talked about it on our last Sex and Politics with California State Senator Scott Weiner. It's been great as a Yimby to see Democrats at the top of the ticket, Kamala Harris, and Democrats who topped previous winning tickets like Barack Obama get on the Yimby bandwagon. Here is Obama at the DNC. In his speech, endorsing the construction of new housing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
We're going to ruin the vibe and I'm going to like let the flinter crowd have their party and not make it about me and my butthurtness. And like, there's going to be some parties in certain kinds of bars or events or dark rooms where like it's for primarily cis guys and trans guys who, who want to be a part of that kind of gay male energy, which is an exclusive to cis gay men.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But the kinds of like, I've talked to trans guys, guys I know just came out really recently and were a little taken aback by what the norms were in a space like that in Europe. And so, yeah, maybe take some time to acclimate, get you some spaces. All right. We got to go. AJ Berlin, thank you so much for jumping on the phone.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I have to say, I asked you for your social media so I could direct people to your social media. You don't have social media.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Such awe and admiration. No social media to find AJ Berlin's workshops. You're going to have to look for him across Europe. He's a kink educator, lived in Berlin for eight years. AJ, thank you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Looking for a little extra something something in your life? Earphones plus romance audiobooks from Dipsy make working out at the gym a whole lot hotter, let me tell you. Dipsy is the female-founded app for spicy audiobooks and more, created by women for women. Their app has over 1,000 audiobooks, all crafted by a team of professional writers and top-tier narrators.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
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Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
New chapters are released every week, so you'll always find something new to enjoy. For listeners of the show, Dipsy is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage. That's 30 days of full access for free when you go to D-I-P-S-E-A stories.com slash savage. Do this, dipsystories.com slash savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Agnes Callard is a philosopher, and Ezra Klein had her on his show, The Ezra Klein Show, and they had the most amazing conversation. I recommend everybody go and listen to this conversation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But what's relevant to you in your particular situation about their conversation is Agnes Callard has these theories about jealousy, and they spend some time really drawing a line, making distinctions between good jealousy and bad jealousy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And we don't often think about the possibility that some jealousy can be good or allow for the power of jealousy to shape our lives or our romantic lives in a positive way. Jealousy is always framed as a negative emotion. And because it's always framed as a negative emotion, when we're feeling it, we experience it as a negative emotion.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
There are times, there are places in our lives where jealousy, if properly understood, viewed from the right angle, if we let go of how we're trained to understand it or frame it whenever we experience it, we can recognize what's positive about it, erotic about it, arousing about it. So here you are. You have an ethically non-monogamous relationship. You have an open relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Your husband has a connection with this woman and It's often the case when men and women, an opposite sex relationship, they go, become ethically non-monogamous, it's harder for the guy often to find other partners because women, because men are testosterone-soaked dick monsters, need a bit more of an investment emotionally to be safe fucking around with somebody.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So your husband has had to forge a little bit stronger of an emotional connection with this particular woman then you might have to with any of the guys you fucked up with because guys are pigs and in less danger in an opposite sex sexual encounter. And so there's this connection here. There's this buzz here and that makes you feel threatened, but it also makes you feel aroused. You're turned on.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You say you want to get to a point where when he's with her, you're not anxious for him to get home so you can not just be reassured that he is indeed coming home, but so that you can reclaim him sexually. And like, damn, that's hot. Why would you want... I mean, you want to contain that. You want it to be good jealousy. You want it to be in harness safely to serve the relationship.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But why would you want to... eradicate that feeling. I think you should luxuriate in that feeling and also in the affirmation that he's coming home because he keeps coming back to you. A lot of people in open relationships will talk about the best sex they have with their partners that they're in long-term relationships with is often in the wake of sex they've had with other people.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
That reclamation sex, taking each other back sex can be incredibly hot. And it sounds like it's been incredibly hot for you. So my advice, go listen to the Agnes Callard interview on The Ezra Klein Show. Think about whether this is good jealousy. Are you able to express it to your partner in a constructive way?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
When it flows out of you, when you say, I'm jealous, are you lashing out or are you asking for what you need? Like, oh, I feel jealous and insecure. I need you to fuck the shit out of me right now. And then if he does, take the win and don't be in too great a hurry. To wind this emotion down, or euthanize it somehow, let it serve you. Time for listener feedback.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
First up, I'm going to read some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Says Spruce, to the caller with anxiety about performance and multiple orgasms, I am not a healthcare provider, but I have clinically diagnosed OCD, and this sounds an awful lot like my own obsessive ruminations about sex and relationships, particularly those intrusive thoughts sparked by listening to the Savage Lovecast.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Therapy and medication have helped me a great deal in reducing those thoughts and dealing with them when they come up. Thank you, Spruce, for continuing to listen to the show even after the show sparked intrusive thoughts that required therapy and medication. We appreciate you continuing to listen. Couldn't agree with you more, Muriel.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And finally, says MarshLC, about the woman with masturbation shame. Dan talks a lot and often about how shame and transgression are sexy. And I believe that is true for a lot of people, but it's not universal. And I don't know if Dan understands that. Maybe it's because I am somewhat prone to anxiety, but the only thing transgression makes me feel is bad. Stolen apples are not sweeter.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
For me and people like me, embracing the shame is not the answer. Instead, the answer is accepting myself, loving myself, and trusting myself. Loving yourself, accepting yourself. You can't embrace shame in the way that I'm talking about when I talk about it on the show.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You can't enjoy your kinks that may be rooted in having been shamed or feeling shame if you haven't learned to love and accept yourself, including the part of yourself that's kinky. Loving the unintentional gifts shame sometimes leaves us with, not all of us, just some of us, such as an amazing kink or two, is the trick that I am attempting to describe. But it involves a kind of neutralized shame.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Once you've neutralized it by loving and accepting yourself, you're left with the pleasure and joy and connection that a kink you share with someone that you get to share it with can create. Maybe it's not so much about embracing shame as it is about defeating shame. Then taking from shame what it tried to steal from you, pleasure and self-acceptance. All right.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Ugh, music to my ears. Yeah, we need to build millions of units of new housing, which will require cutting through forests of red tape and undoing exclusionary zoning, also known as single-family zoning, locked in place decades ago to keep the poors and non-whites... out.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
There are always some comments that I see in the threads that are too long for me to share here. Pentatonic this week left a great comment also addressed to the woman who's experiencing shame. It's in the thread under last week's show, and I would encourage everyone to go read it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session, where I usually respond to listener and reader comments, doing something different for the rest of the summer, posting a brief response or two before sharing a letter, a letter too long for the column and letting the commenters try their hand at giving some advice.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
People are having fun with it and giving some really great advice to my letter writers who write letters that are way too long for the column. Check out the last two struggle sessions at savage.love, not behind a paywall for now, and watch for a new struggle session where everybody gets to dive in and give some advice to one of my readers this Thursday.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
All right, now everyone's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my mouth and my listeners get the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
But undoing the housing crisis we've created for ourselves here, building those millions of new units, which need to include SROs, single room occupancy hotels, bottom rung housing, that is going to take time. That is going to take decades. And in the meantime... People are going to keep fucking. Housed people. They're likely to fuck inside their houses, but not always.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your juicy questions and your insightful comments for future shows. You can record your question at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love. Or you can call us on our landline and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
My Dirty Little Film Festival, my short porn film festival, Hump, kicks off next week. Hump 2024 Part 2 will be screening 25 brand new Hump films, amazing short porn films, erotica, humor, sexy, sexy sex. Come into theaters in Portland, Oakland, and Sacramento, Washington, D.C. all in the next couple of weeks. Kicking off this weekend in Portland. All films at Hump are under five minutes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Some are serious. Many are hilarious. All are hot. Get your tickets now for a live screening of Hump. Hump as it was meant to be seen in the theaters at humpfilmfest.com. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow Don Martin on Instagram, threads, TikTok, and all other social media platforms at Head on Fire Pod.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
For all things Don, including his books, go to his website bydonmartin.com. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at Risk Youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week on the installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Most of the guys fucking around in the rambles in Central Park have apartments nearby. Most of the guys who have sex in the park near my house, Seattle's Volunteer Park, so named for the men who show up there after dark every night and volunteer to give blowjobs, most of them left their houses to go fuck in the park. Homeless people are unhoused neighbors.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
They're going to fuck too, but they don't have the option of fucking at home because they don't have one. And in big democratic cities like New York, for decades, the single biggest impediment to building more housing has been the objections of people who already have housing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
The, I got mine and my property values are rising because demand outstrips supply and I'm going to do my best to make sure you don't get yours by blocking all new construction crowd. That's a choice, politicians listening to those people. That is a choice, and it's one that's had consequences.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And one of the things we're choosing by blocking the construction of new housing and urban centers is that we, those of us with windows, are going to look out those windows from time to time and see homeless people doing in public all of the things we have the privilege to do in private, which include eating, sleeping, reading, peeing, and fucking.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Of course, it's not just the housing shortage that created the homeless crisis. Homelessness as a crisis, multi-causal, but the housing shortage is one of the biggest drivers. And I'm hoping that we're finally, finally going to start doing something about it.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And in the meantime, while we're doing something about it, when we see homeless people in public fucking or living or doing whatever, can we put our phones away and not rat them out to the fucking... Sex-phobe hypocrites at the New York Post.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
All right, quick note of advice for all my kinky gay friends who are going to be coming together at Folsom Berlin and Folsom SF and other big gatherings this fall. The new MPOX train we're all worried about, the deadlier one, has not yet been found in Gay or Bi Men. The important word in that sentence is yet.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
The New York Post, a paper that covers a city that's famously licentious, what do they think people are doing when they're not sleeping in the city that never sleeps? The New York Post has such a problem with sex. Oh, man, I have... long hated the Post for the way it attacks and sometimes outs pro-doms.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
The old strain, which is no picnic but less deadly, still circulating among gay and bi men at low levels. If you haven't been vaccinated yet, get vaccinated as soon as possible, ideally before you climb into that sling at Folsom Berlin or Folsom SF. All right, a quick programming note. Our next Savage Love Live for Magnum subs happening Thursday, September 12th at noon Pacific.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Savage Love Live is a special Zoom show exclusively for our Magnum Lovecast subscribers. Join me and Nancy Thursday, September 12th. We will answer questions live and chat with our subs. If you want to be one of those subs that we chat with, go to savage.love and become a subscriber now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
All right, coming up on today's show on The Micro and The Magnum, a woman wanted to know if she would be welcome at the gay sex bacchanalia that is Folsom Europe. I got on the phone with Berlin-based kink educator AJ Berlin to talk about inclusion at gay fetish events and whether this woman and her male partner, would be welcome at Folsom Berlin.
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Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And joining me on the Magnum today, Don Martin, author, podcaster, TikToker, poet. Interesting thing about Don, in addition to all the books he's written and all the work he does, he's a gay man in a long-term relationship. He's a married gay man, and he and his husband are... Are you sitting down? They are monogamous.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Don is here to take me to task for saying on my show again and again and again that there's no such thing as a long-term monogamous gay couple. He and his husband, a long-term monogamous gay couple. And Don is here to slap me down. All that coming up on today's show. On to your first question. This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Dipsy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Dipsy is an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women. Get an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage. This episode is brought to you by Talkspace, therapy made easy. Get $80 off your first month when you go to talkspace.com slash savage and enter promo code space80.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
This episode of the Lovecast is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website, blog or online store. Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And I'm going to crawl out on a limb here and guess that someone in the C-suite at News Corp, the Murdoch company that owns Post and Fox News and the Wall Street Journal, someone at News Corp has patronized a pro-dom at least once this week in New York City. Anyway, here's the headline from the New York Post this weekend that has me all exercised.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Oh my God, what an excruciating position you find yourself in. Either you betray your brother, who routinely betrays his girlfriend of seven years, or you smile at this woman, welcome her into the family, and then when this all comes out, she's going to feel betrayed by you and the rest of your family who knew that this truck was barreling at her and you didn't Warn her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You didn't give her a heads up. Oh, my God. I don't... I'm having to really think right now really hard about what it is that you should... do you can implore your brother to be honest with himself and his girlfriend and admit that monogamy isn't something he can do that monogamy isn't something he wants but if your brother justifies this shit with uh just a night out with the lads therefore pussy
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
In that context, Strange Pussy doesn't count against me morally or ethically. He's probably the kind of self-centered, serial adulterer, straight piece of shit dude who wants a monogamous relationship, wants his partner to be monogamous to him, couldn't stand the idea of his girlfriend or wife getting with another guy, but wants to give himself...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
permission to go get with other women and then rationalize it with the after the fact bullshit like I was drunk or it was a night out with the lads or somehow this pussy doesn't count, but any dick that wasn't his dick under any circumstances would certainly in his mind count. So what do you do? You have to risk here. estrangement from your family.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
If you're going to do the right thing by this woman that you have known for however long it was after they began dating that your brother introduced you to his girlfriend. So you've known her for six years, seven years, however long you've known her. Oh my God. This is one of those questions where all I can think is what would I do?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I would say to my brother in a circumstance like this, you tell her or I tell her, but she is going to be told before the wedding what she is signing up for. I am not going to stand by silently and be complicit in your betrayal of her and mask or cover for it. Like when family shows up to a wedding and smiles and is a part of the wedding party, there's a little bit of vouching going on there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
You're standing up at the wedding for the person From your side who invited you to that wedding. If you're up there on the altar, if you're part of the wedding party, you are endorsing not just the relationship, but the person who is entering into this relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
We should say to your brother, what I would say to my brother and make this about me and what I would do is I can't in good conscience stand up there and endorse you knowing what I know. maybe you should have kept this from me in the same way you kept it from your girlfriend, your fiance soon all this time. And then I wouldn't feel conflicted in this way.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Homeless couple filmed having sex in parking lot under NYC's FDR Drive. The paper anonymously quotes the aghast 34-year-old local who witnessed the shocking sight, saying, "...a couple having sexual intercourse on the sidewalk was a new low for the city." That quote made it into the headline. Two people fucking outside. A new low for the city. You know what I think is a new low?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
And maybe there's something that you can do, or you can tell me that will mollify me, like get your ass into therapy, like do some work and recognize how the fucked up this is, or do some work and recognize that you are incapable of honoring or making monogamous commitments. You are not going to make one or demand one from someone else who isn't a cock queen. And those are very rare birds indeed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
So the odds that she would be down with him fucking around on her. or get off on it are pretty slim. Who knows, though? Who knows what she knows? Seven years they've been together. This has happened routinely, regularly. Maybe she knows, and she just doesn't want you to know she knows or other people to know she knows.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Maybe she's being, say it with me, everybody, tolly, tolly amorous about all this shit. The only way to find out for sure what she knows, whether she knows it, whether she wants to know it, is to risk having this conversation. and to risk your relationship with your brother, with your family of origin to do the right thing by this woman who is about to become a part of your family.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
I think we have moral obligation to do right by family members and sometimes to do right by someone in advance of them becoming a family member. Someone has a very serious problem that they've hidden from a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a fiance.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 931
Sometimes family has to back channel or front channel and just go to that person and say, look, there is this problem with drugs or alcohol or debt or infidelity or whatever that you need to know about before you get married. It's much harder to extricate yourself from this relationship or God forbid, scramble your DNA together, making it even worse.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Apparently, testosterone prevents their bodies from processing the cortisone that's stressing them the fuck out. And then the females of the species, now full of cum themselves, eat the bodies of the dead males. Every once in a while, one of the males manages to survive his one and only breeding season, but he is infertile now because his balls weren't just drained...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
you need to make an exit plan here. You need to prioritize your own safety. You need to pull in the friends and family that you trust, that you can talk to, that you can be honest with about what's been going on in this relationship and ask for their help and ask them to run interference as you do the hard thing and end this relationship, the hard and dangerous thing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
that is going to be ending this relationship. Sort of person who threatens to harm themselves, who takes themselves hostage when you try to leave them to control you is the sort of person who might harm you when they realize threatening to harm themselves didn't prevent you from doing what you needed to do and fucking leaving them. So,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
You may need a place to stay where he doesn't know where the fuck you are for a while. You may need to get a restraining order against this person. And what's more important to you right now at this point in your life, in this mess, preserving your public face, saving your public office, We're getting the fuck away from this guy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Are you willing to save face and protect your job and your role in the community? Are you willing to stay with this guy for the next 40 years? No, no. He's got to go at some point and he's not going to go peacefully. It is. He has told you it is going to be a shit show. So the sooner the shit show starts, the sooner the shit shows over.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
The more steps you take to protect yourself because you get to decide when the shit show starts, the more steps you take to protect yourself when you know the shit show is gonna go down, which can include getting out of town, having a place to stay, having other people around you who are willing to come stay, whatever you need to do to protect yourself, the likely you are to get through this.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
in one piece, even if it costs you something, even if it sullies your public image and your reputation. You say he's already gotten onto social media and accused you of cheating on him. And yeah, maybe you technically did, but you wanted to end this relationship and he refused to allow you to end this relationship and you
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Like a lot of people got into your head that you're not allowed to end a relationship unless the other person agrees to ending the relationship, which is not true. But of course he was playing the threat card and the trauma card. Like I had a lot of trauma. Okay, great. You had a lot of trauma early in your life. I'm sad for you. I'm glad that you managed to climb out of that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
But your trauma, someone's trauma is not a trap that other people fall into and then can never escape from because you have trauma. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You say that he made a life for himself, got away from all that, but he's still carrying it with him and weaponizing it. Not in the thrall of the trauma anymore. He is using it as a stick to beat you with and control you with.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
That's how you should see it right now. Yeah. And you got to get the fuck away from this guy and it might cost you. It's going to be grief. It's going to be ugly. The control you have right now again is when the shit show starts. So what do you need to do to feel safe to get through this?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
during breeding season mating season they were disintegrated by stress hormones when i read about an animal like this some crazy mating strategy some animal with a absolutely bat sex life i always wonder how far back you gotta go before you find the common ancestor we share with them
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Do those things, enlist the people in your life who love you, who will support you, that you can tell everything about what's been going on here. People have your back and then tell this guy, not only is it over, but you don't want him in your life anymore and you can't talk to him anymore and you're blocking his number.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
and you don't want to see him put it in writing so that if he comes to you, shows up at your workplace, shows up at your house or your apartment or public appearances or events or whatever, that then you can instantly go to a judge and get a fucking restraining order. Not that restraining orders make people bulletproof. Sadly, you're still in danger even if you have that piece of paper.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
But sometimes Knowing that there's a restraining order and potential legal consequences can sober a person who still can act in their own self-interest the fuck up about what it is that they're doing and risking if they don't knock it the fuck off and go the fuck away, which is what you need and want him to do. Better sleep, clearer communication, reduced stress.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
These are all benefits you can get from good quality therapy. But it can be challenging to find the right therapist and then find the time to meet with that therapist. Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Talkspace Therapy and Psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans and employers.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Most insured members have a zero, that's zero, copay. You can easily sign up online and get paired with the licensed provider that's the right fit for your needs, typically within 48 hours. You can also switch providers at no extra cost. Talkspace provides personalized treatments for individuals, couples, and the LGBTQIA plus community. veterans, and teens.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And Talkspace makes getting help convenient because you take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home, which makes finding the time easy. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Savage and enter promo code Space80.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Savage and enter promo code Space80 today. to get $80 off your first month and show your support to the Lovecast. That's Talkspace.com slash Savage promo code Space80.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And then I think, hey, that common ancestor thing might come as a comfort to someone out there with a vor fetish or a cannibalism kink. There could be buried somewhere in your DNA a gene for that, a marsupial gene for that. You too could be born this way. Two other quick news items I wanted to cover today. Florida banned sex ed.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I have two quick follow-up questions. The police were involved when you retrieved your things? Yes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And she stumbled over evidence of all of this, including the cyber sex? Correct. And by stumbled over, went snooping? Correct. All right. Seems to me the problem here isn't the 14-year-old. The problem is the emotional dysregulation of the adults in this 14-year-old's life and poor impulse control. I'm in an open relationship.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
My husband and I sit side by side flirting with people online all the time and sending harmless messages. notes and showing them to each other. So this for me would be like not something I would police. But if your agreement with your girlfriend was you don't flirt with other women and you violated that agreement, okay, well there's poor impulse control on your part, but
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I lay the majority of the blame on your ex-girlfriend's part here. She involved her child, and now her child feels like she gets to involve herself.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I will get right on that. I have your email. When we were setting this up, I will send you a note. I will flirt with you. I think the place to start here is an apology – to everyone, not just this 14-year-old, but all the other kids, all the other friends, all the other family, that she dragged into this conflict with you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I think people have a right to confide in friends, to ask for advice, to share what they're going through with trusted intimates. I don't think it's fair when people say, you can't talk about our business with anybody else when we're in conflict. But this kind of nuking for online flirting and for, you know, they talk about micro infidelities.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I guess this is kind of approaching macro infidelity, but you know, you didn't put her at risk physically. You didn't put your dick in somebody else and then have unprotected sex with her. You fucked around on the internet a little bit. There was an emotional violation in this connection with your ex, but it should have been something that you two could have handled privately.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And she could have talked to an adult or two in her life about what to do. But she didn't. She went nuclear and involved all these other people and tried to destroy your relationships with all these other people to punish you. And now you're thinking about getting back together with her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And it seems to me the bigger problem than how this teenager feels is the risk you take of getting back into this relationship. And what happens... Is she going to snoop on you for the rest of your life? Are you going to live in a police state? Are you allowed to have any privacy? Are you entitled to a zone of erotic autonomy in this relationship or not?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
CBS News reports Florida school districts are rolling back comprehensive approaches to sex education in favor of abstinence-only focused lessons under pressure from state officials who have labeled instruction on contraception, anatomy, and consent as inappropriate for students.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I think those are important things to hammer out with an adult when you're in an adult relationship, but I don't get the impression based on your ex-girlfriend's behavior or your summary of her behavior that you're in a relationship with an adult in good working order capable of emotional self-regulation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have trauma. I'm triggered. Blah, blah, blah. I'm triggered. No one can say boo to me that I stabbed you in the neck because I have trauma. No. One of the things you have to do as an adult to prove you're in good enough working order to be in a relationship is handle your shit, including past trauma.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And past trauma is not an excuse to inflict current trauma or future trauma on your kids. To say nothing of your partner. It's not a get out of emotional self-regulation free card.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Okay, so it seems to me the solution here is if you want to get back together with her, and if I were you, I wouldn't get back together with somebody where I had to get the police involved to feel like I could safely retrieve my things without the threat of gunplay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
But there's a middle ground between getting back together and moving back in together, which is getting back together but having separate households. I assume you live somewhere now. You're not on the street.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
If you want to reconnect with her on the condition that she get help with her trauma and that she doesn't pay that trauma forward or inflict trauma on her teenage child and others every time she's triggered, great. Get back together with her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
But I think the way you and she both demonstrate to this kid that her feeling of safety is important to you is by literally saying to this kid, we're going to get back together. But you know what? I'm not going to move back in. for at least a year. And you know, well, how you feel at 14 can be very different than how you feel at 16 or 15 and a half or whatever a year from now is for this kid.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And maybe that signal to this kid that you both recognize that what you did and then what her mom put her through was unpleasant and upsetting. And so you're going to slow your roll back into this relationship in deference to her feelings. That seems to me like the adult thing to do on both your parts, you and your girlfriend, your ex-girlfriend.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
So they're no longer going to cover in Florida in sex ed sexual activity, human development, consent, pleasure, or sexual abuse. Banning sex ed is one of the planks in Project 2025's platform. That is also Donald Trump's platform, which in addition to wanting to ban sex ed, calls for banning porn, throwing adult content creators into prison, making contraception and abortion both illegal.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And I think she should, like, I'm advocating for Romaine's ex-girlfriend. Like, any time I had a breakup where I had to call the cops, that was not somebody I circled back to and thought, oh, maybe. Okay.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Yeah, but were the police your kind of retaliatory escalator? Oh, look, you sent all this information to all of our friends and family. I'm going to call the cops in.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Is the pussy amazing? Like, what is it? What is it? Why are you going back?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Okay, she had a right to be upset. I agree. What she did with the upset was not okay. And there are consequences now for the both of you, but really for this kid, right?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Slow your roll. That's how you win this kid back. My stepmother eventually won me over by giving me space and time, which I needed. My dad left my mom for my stepmom. I was ice fucking cold and she did not come at me. She let me be ice fucking cold. It was painful for her. I was a teenager. I was 15. She gave us space. She gave us time.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And one of the reasons we came around on her was that she wasn't forcing herself on us. And she wasn't making demands that we didn't feel she was entitled to make that would have put us into conflict with our mom at that time. Like we were showing allegiance to our mom, even like this kid is thinking she's showing allegiance to our mom. And we just needed time and space.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And if you move back in, that's not giving this kid time or space. Right. And then you need to game out like what you know of yourself is like you like to dink around a little bit on the internet and send flirty messages to hot women. Who doesn't? Is there space for that in your relationship? Or is that something you're going to have to...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Or can you go cold turkey on never, ever do ever, ever, ever again? And will she take your word for that? Or is she going to be going through your phone and you're going to be dating the East German secret police and not an adult who can allow you some zone of erotic autonomy? Like I think all adults kind of need that zone of erotic autonomy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And I think it's good that sometimes we flirt with other people and we get that affirmation of our desirability. And then if we're plowing that sexual energy and erotic energy into our relationship, our partner benefits from that. Even if they don't want to hear about it, don't want to know about it, or wouldn't approve of it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
We used to get that like at work, like we'd flirt with a coworker we thought was hot or we'd go out for drinks after work and maybe we'd have a conversation with a stranger that wouldn't go anywhere. But like if our partner saw us flirting, it would be a problem. And the internet, the phone, that's the problem. Like your partner has access. They can see where people flirt now, which is online.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And so are you allowed that or not? Are you not? And if you're not allowed that, can you give it up forever? And if you can't, you're just like lighting a fuse that runs to a bomb that's going to explode two years from now or six months from now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
We know what banning contraception and abortion looks like because Romania's communist dictator, Ceausescu, did that in Romania in the 1970s and the 1980s, and it was a disaster. Infanticide, abandoned infants, packed orphanages where kids were neglected and abused, sometimes to death. But abstinence-only education, sex ed classes that don't cover contraception or consent or pleasure.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Okay, well then, I wouldn't get back together with this person, but I would support your choice.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And again, I'm going to assume the pussy is amazing. Can confirm. All right, so yeah, I guess if the dick was truly amazing, I might make allowances I wouldn't otherwise for average.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
So I will endorse this with some hesitation on the condition that for at least the next year, you maintain separate households and give this 14-year-old some space and time to recover from the trauma her mother needlessly inflicted on her because she was having a fight with her boyfriend about things adults in relationships have conflict about all the time and do not...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
blow up, involve kids, involve other relatives, have to call the police and threaten someone with gun violence. Like people process this exact conflict all the time without this kind of drama. And that's what's got to happen. If you're going to get together, it's like figure out how to defuse this conflict without this kind of drama, or it's just the Yeah. I'm running my mouth now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Don't move in together for a year. Enjoy the amazing pussy. If you guys are good in a year, maybe you can move in together and her daughter will feel better about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
hey folks if you're a savage love cast listener we know you like true stories and we think you'll love the radically honest true stories on the podcast risk risk is where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share like the one about the guy who cooked and served his own leg to his friends as tacos or the one about the woman who found out the person she was anonymously sharing her kinky fantasies with online was her dad
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Risk is one of the first podcasts I ever followed, and it's still one of my favorite weekly listens. Host and creator Kevin Allison created an amazing show and community really at Risk. If you've never heard it and you're looking for something bingeable for a trip or a long flight, download Risk now and you will be instantly hooked. If you think you've heard it all, just wait till you hear Risk.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Listen and follow Risk on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Hey Dan, I have a threesome condom etiquette question for you. I'm a cis woman. My boyfriend's a cis guy. We're both somewhere around heteroflexible. We've had foursomes with other couples before, but we've only ever soft swapped. And so condom wearing hasn't been something that we've negotiated before in group play, but we're really interested in having our first threesome with another guy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I try to learn something new every day, and here's the new thing I learned today. In Australia, there are these tiny little gerbil-sized marsupials called broad-footed pouch mice, and their sex lives are nasty, brutal, and short, at least for the boys. We've all heard of bugs where the females eat the males after sex. It's called sexual cannibalism.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And we're hoping to make that happen. And we're just wondering if there is any general etiquette around condom wearing. So my boyfriend doesn't wear a condom when it's just the two of us, but we'd certainly be needing the other guy to wear a condom for any penetration and it would just be of me. There wouldn't be any penetration between the two guys.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And we're just wondering, is there just a general rule that if one guy needs to wear a condom, the other guy should too? I mean, of course, this is something that we can talk about with the guy, but we just didn't even want to bring it up if it showed poor manners, poor form, bad etiquette. If you could let us know, that would be great.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I love how you say condom. It's so much more refined and glamorous than how we say it. Condom. That's how we say it in Chicago. Condom sounds like something I want to put on my dick. Look, your boyfriend, the two of you are fluid bonded. Anybody that you might want to have a three-way with, anybody who is safe, responsible, intuitive,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
We did that here in the 1990s and 2000s. We spent billions of dollars doing that. We know what it looks like. More sexually transmitted infections, more teen pregnancies, and more, a lot more, anal. They ever open a museum of unintended consequences or an unintended consequences hall of fame? The way social conservatives popularized butt stuff 20 years ago deserves its own wing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
has a high emotional IQ, the kind of person who makes a good three-way partner is going to understand that of course your boyfriend doesn't have to wear a condom, but he does, or condom, but he does because you two aren't fluid bonded. I've had three ways. I've never had a guy object to him having to wear a condom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
fucking my husband when I didn't have to wear a condom fucking my husband because my husband and I didn't use condoms only with each other, but we did with other guys back in the pre-prep days.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Never had a guy be like, hey, this violates Emily Post's rules of etiquette concerning threesomes, where if one person has to wear a condom for perfectly legitimate reasons, everybody else has to wear a condom, whether it makes sense for that person to wear a condom or not, whether that person wears a condom at any other time or not.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
If you feel like you might be tense about it or concerned, you should say to them in advance, we don't use condoms, but you'll have to use a condom. We're fluid bonded. We're a couple. We don't use condoms, but of course you are very special guest star to protect me and my boyfriend, but also to protect you. You'll be wearing a condom and no guy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
who's excited about having an MMF three-way is going to, well, no guy you would want to have that three-way with is going to object and is going to insist because your boyfriend doesn't have to wear a condom. He shouldn't have to wear a condom. You wouldn't want to fuck that guy in a hundred million years.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And no guy is going to say, no guy you want to fuck is going to say, well, because I have to wear a condom, well, then everybody has to wear a condom. Unless he's a condom, condom fetishist and you want to indulge him in his condom fetishism. It's a different thing, different matter entirely. Yeah, this isn't going to be a problem. Be direct about it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
If it makes you feel better to toss it out there on the table. And it's a good sorting hat. Anybody who has a problem with it, nobody you want to fuck. Time for listener feedback. First up, I'm going to read some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. From Incontempo, a very thought-provoking discussion, Dan, with Esther Perel.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
As I enter the seventh year of my relationship, I'm starting to think about these things more. How to keep that flame alive. I do think it's good to keep in mind your partner could choose, not necessarily someone else, but choose not to be with you. Every day, in essence, is a renewal of a contract we made voluntarily. One day you could choose differently or they could choose differently.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Give reasons beyond routine to make that choice to stay. Says Compass, we first read Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity in early 2008. What she had to share was a huge influence on our thinking as a married couple. There was no seven-year itch for me, but I did need to get a handle on my autonomy. My husband blossomed as he was not afraid of the things I was examining.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And two years later, it would lead him to introducing me to a friend and thus our first monogamish MFM experience. No need to cheat apart. A fantasy we both had. Now we could cheat together. As I once said to Stephen Colbert, is it cheating if I'm cheating at one end of a guy and my husband is cheating at the other end of that same guy at the same time? Scholars are still working on that one.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And finally, we're going to read an email instead of a comment, an email from M. But I am a woman who has been sexually assaulted and manipulated far too many times to be anyone's sub. I know it's a cute play on words, Dan, but words have power and there may be others out there who have unwillingly been someone's sub who feel as I do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Sorry that you have been a victim of sexual assault and abuse and manipulation. M, of course, sub is short for subscriber, but yeah, it's a play on words. I am consciously invoking the way sub is frequently used here on the Lovecast in reference to the submissive partner in a consensual dom-sub relationship. But when I use sub, the emphasis is on consensual.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I'm not invoking situations where one person was abused or manipulated or assaulted, but where one person chose to take on the submissive role as a form of play because it was what they wanted, not because it was something someone else wanted to force on them. An assault victim is a victim, not a sub. A sexual predator is a criminal, not a dom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
That said, Em, I am sorry that the word is a stumbling block for you. I'm happy to send you a gift subscription, not to make you my subscriber against your will, but to allow you to listen to the Magnum Lovecast and enjoy the extended Savage Love column without technically ever having become a subscriber of mine.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
All right, for more listener feedback and to try your hand at giving some sex advice yourself, check out Struggle Session every Thursday where I respond to listener and readers' written comments. And I post a letter that was sent to me at Savage Love but isn't going to make it into the column and let you guys give the advice. Goes up every Thursday at Savage.Love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
You see, kids in the 90s and 2000s were told that sex was vaginal intercourse and that they shouldn't have sex, which was dirty and disgusting. They shouldn't have sex with... anybody before marriage because that dirty and disgusting thing should be saved for someone that you loved. And of course, sex was vaginal intercourse.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And now, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part of the show where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And so kids, deploying kid logic as kids often do, kids started doing anal instead because anal wasn't vaginal. And if it wasn't vaginal, it wasn't sex. And so they were abstaining. They were good. So long as they stuck to anal. This is really bad news for young people in Florida. But it's good news for me, I guess.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your questions and comments for future shows. You can record your question or your comment on our website at savage.love.com. Or you can make a voice memo and email us your question to q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline and leave us a message at 206-302-2064. Save the date.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Our next Savage Love Live for our Magnum subs is Thursday, October 17th, noon Pacific. Savage Love Live, of course, is a special Zoom hangout we do exclusively for our Magnum subscribers. Not one of my subscribers yet. Become one now at savage.love.com. This weekend, you can catch Hump Part 2 in theaters as Hump was meant to be seen in San Francisco, Seattle, Eugene, and Burlington, Vermont.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Can't make it to a theater for a screening? Invite some friends over for a Hump viewing party and stream it at home and have a Hump party. Tickets to screenings and streaming passes can be purchased at humpfilmfest.com. And while you're on the website, find out how you can get your film into Hump by clicking Submit a Film. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow Caleb Heron on Instagram and threads at Caleb Says Things. His podcast, So True, is available on all podcasting platforms. And if you are in New York, Caleb will be performing at the Bell House this Thursday in Brooklyn, October 3rd at 7 p.m. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at Risk Youth and Nancy.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
We will all be back at you next week with our installment of the Savage Lovecast. Condom.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Since Florida, and if Trump wins, the whole country, if Project 2025 is put into effect, is going to ensure a constant supply of poorly sex-educated young people who are going to need someone to tell them that, yeah, anal is sex and that sex should be pleasurable for all involved and that consent is important.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
or where they can order contraception on the black market after 2028, or whenever the Comstock Act is put back into force. Google it. Google the Comstock Act. Putting that back into force? Also a goal of the people behind Project 2025, including... Donald Trump and J.D. Vance.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And finally, speaking of sexually active teenagers and anal, looks like Nick and Charlie are finally, finally going to consummate their relationship in season three of Heartstopper. Heartstopper, of course, is the Netflix hit series about two boys in love based on the graphic novel by Alice Oseman, who was never a teenage boy in love.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
We are three seasons in and these two teenage boys, one gay, one bi, They haven't fucked yet. Proof, if we needed it, that the book the show is based on wasn't written by someone who was ever a teenage boy or a gay boy and may not know a gay boy and couldn't be bothered to Google gay boy before sitting down to write a book about one. Well, I think Heartstopper is great.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Really, really, I do, I do. Gay kids need their schmaltzy teen romances too. And I really don't want to piss off the show's fans and stans who can be really aggressive. But I got to say, for my perch here, in my professional opinion, sexual compatibility is important. One of the things we talk about a lot on the show. It's a good idea to establish it early. And three seasons in...
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
That's not early enough, in my opinion. And I feel like I have a right to that opinion and to share that opinion because I was a gay teenager once. And as a gay adult, I give sex advice for a living, which means I spend a lot of time helping couples who failed to establish sexual compatibility early. Not easy to do. And it's not always possible.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
So look, it is wonderful that Charlie and Nick are in love and I'm glad they're finally gonna do it. And I'm sure the sex is gonna be magical and everything is gonna work out beautifully because they're fictional characters created by someone who was assigned female at birth and identifies now as asexual and aromantic.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Bees don't do it, birds don't do it, but praying mantises famously do it and some spiders do it. But I wasn't aware that there were any mammals that did it until I read Hannah Osborne's piece in Live Science over the weekend about Australian broad-footed pouch mice that literally die of horniness. At least the boys do.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
But if Charlie and Nick actually existed, if they were real boys and they had waited three seasons to have sex for the first time, Well, at this point, their balls probably would have disintegrated from the stress hormones.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
But if they existed and waited all that time and their balls didn't disintegrate and they didn't die, the first time they had sex, they would probably find out they were both bottoms or both tops or one is into bondage and the other can't tie knots or one is into diapers and the other just can't. All I'm saying is I want everybody to enjoy Charlie and Nick's idealized romance.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, well, there's nothing you can't ask on the Savage Lovecast.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And I want everybody to enjoy, I want all the ladies out there to enjoy their first time having sex. But in your own romantic lives, don't wait three seasons to establish sexual compatibility. Oh, and on a serious note, my heart goes out to everyone affected by Hurricane Helene, especially people in North Carolina and Tennessee, which appear to be the hardest hit states.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I made a donation to the Hurricane Relief Fund at GoFundMe and to MANA Food Bank, a local group in Asheville, North Carolina. Links for both are on the show page.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
All right, coming up on today's show on the micro free-for-all Savage Lovecast, tons of your cues, lots of my A's, and joining me for the Magnum Savage Lovecast that you can subscribe to right now at savage.love, comedian Caleb Herron joins me to talk comedy, growing up gay in Missouri, and what young gay boys like Charlie and Nick are calling their assholes these days.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
All that coming up on today's show. Now, let's get to that first call.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Telling your kid that you love them and you support them for themselves, for whoever they are, and you always will love and support them, whoever they are, is enough. Beyond that... It's not even extra credit beyond that. You really don't need to do more than that right now. I remember when I was a gay teenager in Chicago, I went to a gay teen support group for five minutes.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
There are 15 different species of antechinus, and I'm sure I'm mispronouncing that, native to Australia, which has all the freakiest animals. And the breeding seasons of all 15 species of this mouse have two things in common, this marsupial mouse. The breeding season lasts three weeks and the males don't survive it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
It had a kind of predatory vibe. I didn't go back. But I met a few gay teens that I hung out with, and a few of them had parents that they were out to, which was a miracle at that time, decades ago. And there was, you know, one or two whose parents were really aggressively invested in their kids gayness, but also in their identity as parents who were loving and supporting their gay kid.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And it felt a little leg humpy to be around them. And then there were the parents who weren't being tolerant, who weren't resigned to their kid being gay, but they were fine with it and chill about it and had said, I love you. I accept you. They welcomed, you know, boyfriends and other gay teenagers into their houses, but they were just really matter of fact about love support.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Now go clean your room, love support. You got to do your homework, love support. No, you can't be out till three o'clock in the morning, sneaking into gay bars. They still parented their kids and they, Those parents who loved support and then dropped it and parented, they were better. They were better. We felt better around them. We felt more comfortable with them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
than we did with the parents who were always searching for ways to telegraph to their kids who were gay, that they were fine with it. Fine with it. Love it. Great. Wanted to go like to the gay bars with their kids, help their kids get fake IDs, not just come to the pride parade in March, but like make their kids gayness all about them. And that's what I think you shouldn't do right now.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
I don't think you should make your kids non-binary-ness all about you. It's about them. And if your kid sees you get super invested in their being non CIS hat, well, you know, there's a lot of kids.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
You say your kid's really young in elementary school, a lot of kids out there who, and I might get into over saying this, but I'm just going to say it retreat into to buy themselves a little bit more time with, so they're not feeling pressured to date or,
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
do anything sexual they're not yet ready for may retreat into identifying as asexual or somewhere on the asexuality spectrum or retreat into identifying as non-binary to avoid the pressure to be masculine if they're assigned male at birth or adhere to feminine behaviors or
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
matters of dress or style if they were assigned female at birth and just want to declare themselves Switzerland right now, while all of their peers are kind of leaning really heavily into masculinity or femininity or heterosexuality or sexuality. And so if your kid is doing that, you don't want your kid to hesitate in two or three or four more years to walk it back.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Because mom and dad now are so invested in being the parents of a queer kid or a non-binary kid or an asexual kid or a gay kid or a bi kid or a whatever kid that now that they know themselves a little better, they're worried about going to mom and dad and saying, you know, this thing that you've made the center of your identity and what our family is all about.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
When breeding season rolls around, the bodies of the male broad-footed mice are flooded with testosterone and cortisone, the horniness hormone and the panic hormone. They are young, dumb, and full of cum and nervous racks, apparently. The males run around mating with as many females as they can for three weeks without sleep, and then... They drop dead from organ failure brought on by the stress.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
Yeah, I'm not really that thing anymore, which is why I think you need to be chill and matter of fact about it. You can be anybody you want to be. You can be non-binary. You can be gay. You can be straight, bi, trans, allosexual, asexual, whatever. We will love and support you. And now you know this about them. This is how they identify right now. Accept it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
You don't have to paint your house with rainbow colors. You don't have to make it about you. Just keep listening to and, as they say, holding space for them. and be chill. Be that parent that when we were gay and young and needed places to hide, be that parent who was just chill and matter of fact and still the parent. Don't be that parent who wanted to tag along with us to the bars.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 935
And thank you for being that parent. Thank you. I don't want to make you feel bad for having asked this question. This is, I think, the right question for a parent in your position to ask themselves. But you already landed on the answer. What can I do? You're doing it. Expressing your love for your kid, expressing your support for your kid. Beyond that, nothing is required of you right now.