Oh no! He broke the flirting rules. He kissed a lady and lied about it. (He lies a lot apparently.) But now, it makes her sick to look at him. What now? A man and his boyfriend just bought a house together and they are setting up one of the rooms as a nursery...because they are both adult babies. What should they tell visitors if they ask what the locked room is for? On the Magnum, it's the triumphant return of "What Are You Doing?!" A cuckold relationship with a femme-dom twist, you say? Do tell! Meet John and Maria, a seemingly "normal" couple that get super-freaky where it counts. They explain how they met, and gradually morphed into an amped-up sexual relationship. If you are interested in cuckolding, Dom/sub relationships or just want to peer in, have a listen. And, a woman heard that if her husband gets a vasectomy his semen will lose the delicious flavor she so enjoys. Is it true? Or maybe...not? Let's ask science! [email protected] 206-302-2064
You're listening to the micro version of the Savage Lovecast at savage.love.
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, First, a quick comment on the news. If we're going to accept piles of dead kids in our schools, our political leaders are going to have to accept regular assassination attempts
If our leaders don't like assassination attempts, and they shouldn't, just like they shouldn't like piles of dead kids in our schools, our leaders really do need to do something about the guns. The guns are the problem.
Not the security perimeters they're in, not the bubbles of gun control they're lucky enough to live inside while the rest of us have to fend for ourselves, but the fucking guns that are everywhere. Guns that can easily pop the bubbles they're in. And if they're not going to do anything about the guns...
I guess Donald Trump should take the advice he gave parents who were upset about school shootings. Just get over it, Donald. All right, in honor of Taylor Swift, we're going to shake it off, shake off the news and talk about something a little lighter.
Although I am a little nervous to talk about this because it does mean talking about my number one favorite follow on Instagram, an account I want you to follow. But I don't want you digging through my follows looking for other accounts to follow because some of my follows are embarrassing for a man of my age. And station, full disclosure, I follow a lot of eye candy.
I used to limit myself to one or two male models with shaggy hair. If I stumbled over a new male model with shaggy hair I wanted to follow, I had to unfollow one of the two I was already following. But the pandemic broke me. I figured life is short and long hair is hot and now I'm following, I don't know, four dozen, five dozen guys, at least with shaggy hair.
I lay the blame for my thing about guys with long hair and shaggy hair at the feet of or the split ends of all the shaggy haired pop stars of the 1970s that I imprinted on so hard during puberty. Peter Frampton, Jim Morrison, Jackson Browne, Andy Gibb, Leif Garrett, David Bowie even. And my God, have you ever seen a picture of a young Keith Richards? It's worth a Google.
I even had a crush, I am now prepared to admit, on Barry Manilow, the man who wrote the songs Mandy, Daybreak, Can't Smile Without You, Looks Like We Made It, Copacabana. I had a crush on young Barry Manilow with his soulful eyes and his blonde, shaggy-haired, floppy mullet. The Barry Manilow who did shows with Bette Midler and Gay Bathhouses in New York in the 1970s. That Barry Manilow.
Anyway, all of this somehow brings me to my favorite follow on Instagram, Christian Nightmares, at Christian underscore underscore Nightmares.
It's an account run by someone who was raised in an evangelical Christian household and now uses his various social media platforms to re-examine his fundamentalist Christian upbringing and expose the weird, to use Tim Waltz's wonderful word, the weird excesses and obsessions of evangelical Christians.
Christian Nightmares, says BuzzFeed, is the best place on the internet to find creepy Christian shit. Hashtag not all Christian shit is creepy. Hashtag not all Christians are evangelical weirdos. Hashtag not all Christians. Hashtag not all Christians are nightmares. But it was on Christian Nightmares that I learned that my guy, Barry Manilow, is possessed by the devil.
Or he was at least when he sat down at his piano and recorded I Write the Songs. Christian Nightmares recently posted a clip from a Christian podcast where pastors gather to examine and expose the hidden messages in popular music.
i am music and i write the songs i write the songs that make the whole world sing i write the songs of love and special things i write the songs that make the young girls cry i write the songs i write the songs my home lies deep within you and i've got my own place in your soul now when i look out through your eyes I am young again, even though I'm very old.
That was Satan speaking through Barry Manilow.
This is why we constantly expose it. Because the stuff you are listening to, you do not realize what's going on behind the scenes and who is influencing this music. Okay, a couple of things.
There isn't a song on earth that wouldn't sound sinister with that kind of reading. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Satan. Happy birthday to you. These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. And one of these days, these boots are going to walk all over you. Go ahead and laugh, but in the book of Job, Satan says he was made for walking.
on the earth walking up and down on the earth right there in the bible god tried to warn us about nancy sinatra but we didn't listen Another thing, Barry Manilow wrote a lot of songs, but he didn't write I Write the Songs. It was one of his biggest hits, but it was a cover of a song written by singer-songwriter Bruce Johnston.
But it was Manilow's version that went to number one on the pop charts in December of 1976. I'm bad at math, but 2024 minus 1976 equals... 48 years ago? And these guys, these pastors who are constantly exposing the hidden messages in popular music, they're just getting around to this nearly 50-year-old hit song?
Meanwhile, young and hot Lil Nas X is right there, literally giving Satan a lap dance, sitting on Satan's dick in the video for his smash hit song, Montero, Call Me By Your Name, which came out in 2021. Named one of the top songs of 2021 by Pitchfork Magazine, went to the top of the charts, won the MTV Music Video of the Year Award in 2021.
and the constant exposures of satanic messaging and pop music. I guess they're not going to get around to Lil Nas X's Montero for another 48 years. That's how long it took them to get to I Write the Song, so we can all look forward to the slow and sinister, nightmarish Christian reading of Montero in, again, I'm bad at math, but I think 2071.
Right now, in the year of our Lord, 2024, they want us freaking out about sweet old 81-year-old Barry Manilow currently cashing royalty checks in Palm Springs with his husband. And he deserves every penny. Copacabana is a banger. This whole thing, I think, is hilarious and ridiculous, but in a way, charming. A reminder of a more innocent time.
A time when Christians were obsessed with hidden satanic messages and pop music and comic books. And with boys that had long hair. Really, 1 Corinthians 11.14, doth not even nature itself teach you that? If a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him. Long hair on men, those long-haired boys I lusted after in middle school or began to lust after or have confusing feelings about in middle school.
Turns out they were sinners. Turns out they were growing that hair out to do the devil's work. I'm not exaggerating. When I was a kid, Christians hated the hippies with their long hair and the rock stars and pop stars, the boys with their girlishly long hair.
They worried these girlishly styled boys would confuse or corrupt innocent young men, even boys in seminaries, boys like me, and turn us gay. And they were right, in my case at least. Peter Frampton and Leif Garrett, now tragically bald... They made me gay.
Today's Christians, today's evangelicals, again, hashtag not all Christians are evangelicals, but today's evangelical Christians, the nightmarish Christians that Christian nightmares documents, documents the atrocities on all of his social media platforms. What are they obsessed with now?
authoritarianism, forced births, Donald fucking Trump, putting Donald fucking Trump back in the White House, I would trade today's crazy, nightmarish, evangelical Christians, the Christians of my youth, the evangelical conservative Christians of my youth, that these guys on this podcast are
reminded me of and made me nostalgic for the ones who were looking for the secret satanic messages in the songs that Barry Manilow sang but didn't write.
All right, coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me on the Magnum, by day, Maria and John appear to be your average suburban couple, but by night and on weekends, they create and share some of the hottest femdom and cuckold content on the internet. Maria and John, join me for a very special installment of What Are You Doing? All that coming up on today's show.
Let's get to that first question.
Hey, Dan. So I'm kind of having a crisis. with my sexuality, which I'm very comfortable with. I've always called myself bisexual, but I guess it's really pansexual, I'm trying to get used to that. But I was always the bisexual that people imagine, like I was always pretty equally attracted to all genders, romantically and sexually.
Like I said, very comfortable with that, very open about it, but the thing is, I present extremely masculine, and since I like women, People assume I'm straight. And it's this weird thing where I kind of feel like I've gotten away with it my whole life, with being queer. I've gotten mean comments before, mostly from women, interestingly. Men seem more cool about it.
I'm having this weird thing where I'm not really worthy of the queer label. I didn't earn it, you know? And I've been feeling this way for a long time. I don't really know what to do with it. I guess, obviously, I'm looking for affirmation, but also some advice on how to, I guess, affirm myself, maybe, or I don't know.
Mask, masculine, is a perfectly legitimate gender expression for an assigned male at birth person. There is this... I don't know this attitude, this posture, this creeping sense in queer land that the only authentic, truly authentic gender presentation for someone assigned male at birth is a femme presentation.
And the only authentic gender presentation for someone assigned female at birth is a mask presentation. And anybody who is assigned male at birth, whose mask is acting or performing and anyone who's Signed female birth whose femme is performing that gendered stereotype. It's just not true. For some people, kind of mask, not presentation, it's not an act. It's who they are authentically.
It's perfectly legitimate. And queer people, least of all, should slouch around making assumptions about people based on their gender presentation. So look, I'm sorry some people have like said shitty things to you. People have certainly said shitty things to me. Welcome to being queer.
Sometimes people say shitty things to you about your sexual orientation or your gender expression or whatever else because they're shitty people or they don't understand yet. And maybe them saying a shitty thing to you is an opportunity to tell them a few things and educate them. But You are who you are. And bi pan, the line between bi pan can be pretty blurry.
I've always loved bisexual activist Robin Oaks' definition of bisexuality. I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge in myself the potential to be attracted romantically and or sexually to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree. That definition of bisexuality, to me, seems to encompass a kind of pansexual vibe.
There are some people who think bi emphasizes a binary, but it could also emphasize, as Oaks does there, the binary between being attracted to only one gender and being attracted to more than one gender. That also could be a bit... bi binary without being only attracted to males or females or AFAB people or AMAB people, whatever. You're legit.
If you want to identify as bi or you want to identify as pan, and that's legitimately queer. Even if you're assigned male at birth and you have a mask, authentic gender expression, and nobody gets to tell you you ain't queer or take that away from you.
The fact that some people look at you, especially if you're with a woman and assume you're straight, that's a perfectly reasonable assumption for people to make. And so people are gonna make that assumption because it's gonna be correct most of the time because most people are not, most men are not bi. And so it's asking a lot of people to turn off that assumption making switch in their brain
I always say to people who are bisexual, bisexual men who are offended when people see them with a woman and assume that they're straight, which, again, most men with women are, I always bring up when I was a new parent and people would see me with my son and assume I was straight. I wasn't offended by that assumption, incorrect though it may have been, because it was a reasonable assumption.
And if the person wasn't homophobic, it wasn't a malicious assumption. It was just... We move through the world making assumptions about the people we meet, the places we go, the things that we do. Some assumptions could be motivated by a kind of bigotry or a kind of ignorance. But ask yourself about the assumptions you might make.
about other people based on the data available to you, based on what you're seeing, then I'm sure you've made the exact same assumption about some other bi guys that some people have made about you incorrectly, which was that you were straight or you thought they were straight and they weren't. So look, welcome to the club. You're a queer doe, just like me. We're both queer.
You're a queer bi or queer pan. I'm queer gay. Your queerness is as authentic and you are as entitled to it as your mask gender expression is authentic and as entitled to that as you also are.
Hi, Dan and Nancy. My boyfriend and I are in our mid-60s and have been dating for just over a year. We knew each other in high school. I am divorced. He is sort of divorced. They haven't done legal paperwork but have been apart for over 25 years. They are still very good friends. In fact, he says that his ex-wife is his best friend. They have two grown children together. Here is my problem.
He is taking her on a cycling trip to Europe for her 65th birthday next month. I just found out about this. He has been talking about wanting to go on this cycling trip since we met, but he never said anything about taking his ex-wife. I actually hoped it was something we could do together. He hasn't talked about it for months until yesterday when he told me he was going with her.
There will be other friends of his from high school on the trip. He is telling people that he is going with high school friends, but doesn't feel the need to mention he is taking his ex. I do want him to go because he talked about wanting to join the group about a year ago. He didn't mention, though, that he was taking his ex for her 65th birthday.
I said, I just really don't want you to share a room. I know how small European hotel rooms. I do trust him. I just don't like how this was all of a sudden mentioned to me, and it is stressing me out. Should I be worried? Am I a fool for being okay with this?
If you were going to be worried, what would you be worried about? You'd be worried that I suppose you two at a year have a monogamous commitment. So maybe the worry is that if they're alone together in a hotel room in Europe, they will fuck. And she's not his ex-wife. You said they never did the paperwork. They've lived apart for 25 years. Yeah, there's a risk.
They could be alone in a hotel room in Europe and fuck each other's brains out. But how is that not a risk every day? They're best friends. They have adult children together. They are still in each other's lives technically, legally. They're still married to each other. If they wanted to fuck, they would fuck.
I mean, maybe being on a bike trip to Europe and staying in these hotels, maybe they'd catch some sort of groove and a rantic spark. Fuck for old time's sake. Yeah, I guess the odds are higher. So let's just directly address that worry head on. You've been dating this guy for a year. He has a complicated relationship or not complicated. He has a relationship.
His ex-wife is, or he's not his ex-wife, is he says to you, his new girlfriend, his best friend, Okay, maybe he fucks his best friend every once in a while. That sometimes happens. How would you feel if your relationship wasn't sexually exclusive? Address that anxiety and fear with him head on. You need to have a conversation with him about what it is that you're doing, what your relationship is.
And if you require sexual exclusivity, can you trust him to honor that commitment regardless of where his not actually ex-ex-wife happens to be at the moment? Yes, this trip will throw them together in a way that maybe daily life at home doesn't. And so it might up the chances of some let's rub one out together or fuck the shit out of each other. For old time's sake, it could up those chances.
And let's worst case scenario this. How would you feel if that happens? Would you feel so betrayed that you couldn't possibly continue in this relationship?
Okay, well, then maybe this guy isn't the right guy for you because there's always going to be this nagging fear in the back of your head that because of the intimacy he shares with his best friend, not ex-wife, that they could wind up fucking again at some point. And if that's really important to you that he not touch anybody else with his penis ever, especially her, then...
Maybe this relationship brings too much tension and anxiety into your life for it to be a good or healthy one. Also, I got to say, not to pour poison in your ear, but if she is his friend, best friend, they're not intimate. It's not a sexual romantic relationship anymore. Why couldn't you come on this trip? Has he introduced you to his ex-wife as his new girlfriend?
have you had these conversations with him? If you say to him, like, look, I'm afraid you're going to fuck your ex-wife, but I'm hoping we have a sexually exclusive relationship. What does he say? He's like, oh my God, I would never fuck my ex-wife. The sex didn't work when we were together. Like what comes out of his mouth? And is it reassuring? Or do you feel like you're being played?
If it's reassuring, maybe you could take him at his word. If you feel like you're being played, maybe you should end the relationship. And if you say to him, like, I'm a little confused. I understand you've been planning this trip for a long time.
I was sort of hoping I might be able to go with maybe because, you know, it was already being planned when you met and to actually for you to go, he would have had to invite you after only knowing you for six months or seven months. And that felt too soon. Like if he said that to you, would that help you understand why you weren't invited?
But in the future, you went on another trip like this with his ex-wife who is his best friend and not his ex-wife and Can't your girlfriend and your best friend spend time together, hang out together, bike through wine country in France together? And let him know that that's what you expect or hope in the future.
You know, if you're going to have a relationship with him and he has a best friend, well, then you're going to have a relationship with that best friend too. And if you can't, or if it's weird, if you'd have a relationship with the best friend, well, that That's the problem. So, I mean, I can understand why he may not have invited you.
I can understand why he may not have spoken to you directly and honestly about why it's not fun in a new relationship to say to somebody like, I'm still not sure about you. Like, I really like you three, four, five, six months in, but I'm not sure I like, like you enough for 20 days to alone together with all my other friends on a European holiday.
Too soon for that kind of invitation at six months. Maybe it won't be too soon at two years. Maybe the next time he goes on a trip like this, you will be included. And maybe hearing that from him now about this trip that you are being excluded from in ways that kind of make sense, possibly, if you think about it from his angle, will be more tolerable for you. Anyway, lots to think about.
The person you talk about with these things that you're thinking about right now, him.
Hello, this is Nancy, producer of the Savage Lovecast, and I have a confession to make. I don't like porn, but I like hump. It turns out watching dirty movies in a dark theater with strangers is super fun. It's a curated show of short films, five minutes max, submitted by regular people. So it's a diverse array of subjects and proclivities. Gay, kinky, vanilla, solo, even straight.
You end up watching things you wouldn't necessarily choose for yourself and that is amazing. And cool people are right there in the theater with you cheering along. Because it's curated by a crack team of sex positive perverts, there's nothing evil, definitely nothing exploitative. and the judges value funny content, so it's genuine sex positivity.
If you're like me and not into mainstream porn, you really should give Hump a try. It is a blast. This weekend, Dan will be hosting shows live and in person in Portland, Oregon, but you can also catch screenings in Bellingham, Bend, Long Beach, Denver, Ann Arbor, Chicago, Columbus, New Orleans, and New York City. and that is just the start.
Hump will be touring through another 27 cities in the US, Canada, and Europe through November 16th. Can't make it to the theater? Okay, okay, no problem. Both the spring and fall 2024 lineups are now available to stream on demand. Support Vert sex positivity and inclusiveness at a time when your right to do so is being challenged.
Go to humpfilmfest.com for the full tour schedule, tickets, streaming passes, watch the trailer, and more. You'll never experience anything quite like Hump. So come get some.
Hi, Dan. I'm a mid-30s woman from the Southeast, and I'm calling about a question related to an open marriage. My husband and I have been with each other since we were in our late teens. We are both in our mid-30s now, so it's been a very long time. A few years ago, we decided to open up our marriage because we have a shared fantasy of me being like a slut and things like that.
It really was intended for me to just explore my sexuality and for it to bolster our sex life. Well, my husband also decided that he wanted to play with people, and that was great. So we opened it up for both of us. But he quickly got kind of tired of it. It's a lot harder for men than it is for women to find random hookups, as you often talk about.
And so he was just, like, done with it, disenchanted and done. So basically when he became done with it, he asked if I would stop playing. And I don't want to stop. It's really easy for me to find dates. I really enjoy the time that I have. And I also just want to mention that my husband is really, he is the only positive sex partner I have ever had in my life.
So before I met him, I had only negative sexual experiences, non-consensual, very traumatic experiences. And when I met him, we did a lot of growing and learning together and safety work and all kinds of things that made me feel comfortable and safe. But I did realize very recently that I've never had a fantasy life. I've never had my own sexual fantasy life.
My only thoughts about sex were really how I could be appealing to the person that I was with. It was never really what turns me on. It was only based off of what turns them on also turns me on because I'm turning them on. But throughout opening our relationship, I've realized, and I'm really starting to see myself as my own independent sexual being. He basically said,
I'm not going to stand in your way of you being happy, but this is going to break my heart. I don't know what to do, Dan. I really want to stay true to myself and live my life while also holding my husband's hand, but I also don't want to do damage to him.
I don't want to hurt him, but I feel like because we have been together for so long, my entire youth, my 20s, everything was spent with him, and I really want to have some of my own experiences.
You are not the first woman I've heard from. who went to their husband, asked the husband to open the relationship. Husband agreed on the condition that it was open on both sides. And because it's so much easier for women to get dick, because we live with a dick surplus at all times, than it is for men to get pussy.
Mostly the fault for that can be laid at the feet of men who make it dangerous for women to be as impulsive sexually as men feel free to be impulsive sexually. The wheels come off the open relationship because the husband's watching the wife... get dick after dick after dick, and he can't get anything. He can't find anything.
And what's always missing from these calls, from questions like yours, is any indication that the wife made any effort to help the husband out, which you shouldn't have to do. You shouldn't have to do that emotional or sexual labor. He should get out there on his own and Find other sex partners on his own.
That's something that he should be able to pull up his big boy pants and go and do for himself. But... It is harder for married men to find women who want to sleep with them than it is for married women to find men who want to sleep with them.
And it is, if this is where the open, the agreement that you came to, to open the relationship is going to fall apart, if this is how the wheels are going to come off it, and you're going to have to shut it back down, which you don't want to do, or you're going to have to live with an angry, wounded, hurt husband, it's in your own self-interest maybe to assist.
You know, a lot of women are uncomfortable sleeping with married men because they think they, they assume they must be lying or, uh, well, that just, they assume they must be lying about being in an open marriage and it can help that guy convince women that he is indeed in an open marriage and that his wife approves and that he is a good and trustworthy guy, uh,
If his wife is with him at the swingers event, with him at the play party, with him at the soft swamp, whatever, with him at the hotel takeover, your presence at your husband's side, which you shouldn't have to do. And again, I'm suggesting you might want to do it, not for him, for you.
Other women will perceive that as an endorsement, as you vouching for your husband, which it sounds like you would be more than willing to do. You've had a great and healing sexual relationship with your husband over the decades. He sounds like a good and trustworthy guy. But a lot of women out there who might just... want some, want a piece of him, they can't know that for sure.
And because men are testosterone-soaked dick monsters, it is dangerous often for a woman to sleep with a man on a hunch. But you there, at the play party, at the swingers event, at the hotel takeover, and I do think women in your position, couples in your position, might want to go to some organized swing events together
Your presence could help your husband get more pussy, which would then make your husband feel a little bit more comfortable and less cheated or cheated on by you getting all the dick you want to get at this stage of your life. So look, I know women do more of the domestic labor, more of the childcare, more of everything. And adding this to your plate seems cosmically unfair.
insult added to that injury hopefully your division of domestic responsibilities has been more egalitarian and fair and maybe you could wrap your head around doing this again I want to say for your husband but I also want to say for you because if he was a little more successful he would be a little less resentful of your success and that's petty and he should be able to let go of that
But it's hard. It's hard for people. There's something, after 20 years together, there's something sibling-y about even a marital relationship. And that sibling dynamic kicks in where mom gave you more ice cream than I got. And that shit is ugly and stupid, but it's there. And how do you diffuse it? You diffuse this little bit of marital sibling rivalry by being your husband's wingman.
Not for him, for you.
Hi, Dan. So my boyfriend and I bought a house about a few months ago, and we have three bedrooms. One is for us, one is for the work-from-home office, but he and I are both ABDLs. We wanted the third bedroom to be our nursery, but I guess this could kind of apply to any kind of dungeon or play space. What do we tell
visitors that that room is for like we put keys on the bedroom doors that lock and we you know so far we've been telling people oh we're just storing stuff in there but that's not going to be a good excuse forever so what do we tell guests who want to know like why can't they stay in our guest bedroom or what's in that room that is kept shut
You could go Tim Waltz on their asses and just tell them to mind their own damn business and they don't need to know what's behind the secret door, but that might pique their interest. Look, you're adults. You can say to people, we have a sex room. You don't have to tell people what kind of sex you're having in that sex room.
My God, there was a whole Netflix series with people building sex rooms with the help of an interior decorator and a contractor in their houses. I don't think it's that taboo or insane anymore. Especially for a gay couple to say, yeah, that's our fuck room. We have sex in there and it's private. And yeah, so that door stays locked. And then dot, dot, dot. They don't need the details.
They don't need to know that you change each other's diapers in there. I got a question a couple of years ago from a couple of guys in Illinois, my home state, who have a giant dungeon in their house, but they also both have their parents living nearby. And their parents are really curious about why they can never go in the basement. And then they finally took my advice.
Actually, I responded to a letter from them in my column and just told their parents, it's our fuck room. And their parents lost all interest in seeing the basement. And the mystery was solved. Sometimes just knowing why you can't go in the room is enough. And it won't come as a shock to the people in your life to know that you too are fucking. They don't need to know what you're wearing.
They don't need to know about the binkies or the rubber pants. But that you're fucking and that you have a room dedicated to the fucking is enough. Often enough. And that doesn't work if you guys can't bring yourself to say even that. You could get a sliding bookshelf. You could disguise the door.
You could put a giant mirror on a track in front of it and make it look like a hall mirror that when you guys want to get into that room together, you just push it aside. People typically don't run through people's houses seeing if there are secret doors, moving bookshelves, sliding mirrors, and your secret and your playroom will be safe.
And I just want to also say, like, I'm so glad you guys found each other. used to be really hard for people with rare or niche kinks that a lot of people don't understand, like ABDL, to find partners. It used to be that people with rare niche kinks would date people that they assumed to be vanilla and would eventually have to have this conversation where they disclosed their kinks
My advice for them was always, you're not telling me I have leukemia. Don't roll it out like it's a tragedy. You're telling them that there's something interesting and exciting about you and you're open to hearing about what's unique or interesting and exciting about them, that these are not cancer diagnoses when you're going to tell someone about your kinks.
It's Christmas morning and these are the presents. That's hard though. Like people would share their kinks and still get rejected. Now we have the internet. It's made it possible. I get these questions about how do I disclose my kinks so much less often now than I did
20 years ago, even 10 years ago, because the internet is the great disclosing of kinks machine where you're allowed, you're empowered to sift and sort through the world to find the people. If you have a really niche kink that's important to you, that's central in your erotic inner life to your erotic imagination to find other people who share it.
So you have that baseline and then you get to explore whether you're emotionally compatible, you want the same things out of life. And if you want to buy a three bedroom house and turn one of the rooms into a an ABDL nursery as you guys have.
So you didn't say how you met, but I'm guessing that your relationship is one of those un undersung, not unsung internet success stories that we need to sometimes bear in mind because every day the news is full of internet tragedy stories. So glad you guys found each other. Tell people they're not allowed in that room for sex reasons.
Hi, Dan. I have been in a LTR for 10 years, almost married for three. I was always realistic about our marriage and told my husband he could flirt, get attention, as long as there were, one, no numbers exchanged, two, he told me. He did both behind my back, and I just recently found out about that. I am so hurt.
I don't know how to trust him again, even though I gave him that permission with boundaries. He lied about kissing her. It took about five days for him to admit it. He lies a lot. And I want to stay with him because I love him very much. And I know that he does love me too. But now what do I do that I'm trying to make it work?
I love him, but he makes me sick to look at because I gave him all of that permission and he crossed those boundaries. How do we move on from here?
It sucks to even think about much less suggest as I'm about to that you revise the rules, the conditions that you laid down in your relationship and your sexually exclusive relationship to make space for or accommodate your partner's lies, their willingness to deceive you to get what they want, which I guess in this case was a kiss and a phone number.
But if you want to stay in this relationship and you said you want to stay in this relationship, you said you love him.
you need to figure out a way to set rules and conditions for outside, not sexual contact, but sexual attention, affirming sexual attention, flirting, whatever, that don't become an engine of conflict in the relationship, that you don't lay down rules that your partner has already proven to you he can't honor. You could leave him, you could divorce him, you could go find somebody else who's
better at monogamy or better at obeying whatever rules and conditions you want to lay down for some limited amount of outside erotic, if not sexual contact. But if you want to stay with this guy, obviously he's willing to break these rules or likely to break these rules.
And so maybe if he's not going to go, if you're not going to get rid of him, if you're not going to go, maybe those rules need to go. The, you got to tell me about it. I'm not sure how that would be very functional if he's somewhere and he's about to start flirting with somebody, is he required to text you and ask for permission?
Or is it just that if he flirted with somebody at a work event or in a bar that he has to run home and immediately disclose that to you? And I would ask you in the past when he obeyed that rule and disclosed it to you, how did you react? Sometimes people say you can fuck around outside the relationship or flirt or whatever or grind on people on a dance floor. You just have to tell me about it.
And then when their partner comes home and tells them about it, they have a meltdown each time. And it really disincentivizes disclosure. So I would put it to you and other people who say it's all fine so long as it's disclosed. Okay, so when it's disclosed, how does that go? How do you react? Are you giving your partner the freedom to do this but then
retaliating against your partner when they do. And I don't know if you're doing any of that. I'm just speculating here based on a lot of other calls where there was this kind of, you gotta tell me about it rule. I'm not sure you have to tell somebody that you're in a relationship with if you're allowed
or not allowed even, everyone's entitled to his own erotic autonomy, that you flirted harmlessly with someone. This wasn't harmless flirting. This was the exchange of phone numbers. This was an opening that allowed him to contact this person in the future. He kissed this person, also not allowed. You have every right to leave his ass over this, to divorce him over this.
I wouldn't divorce somebody over this. Somebody cheats on you once or twice in 50 years together. I think they were good at monogamy, not bad at monogamy. If somebody made out with somebody else in a bar once and then disclosed that to you, pretty good at monogamy, not perfect at it, but still pretty good. 10 years, pretty decent track record. But what is this rule breaking here?
What does this violation tell you about this relationship? You told me that he lies to you all the time. Okay, that's on him, that's shitty, he shouldn't do that. If he can't obey these rules, if these rules aren't something that he can navigate within, then he should tell you, these rules don't work for me.
I don't want to have to disclose everything, maybe in part because he reacted badly to disclosures in the past. Maybe he just doesn't want to. Maybe he just wants to feel that sense of himself as an individual and an autonomous individual and exist in that zone of erotic autonomy.
And if he's coming home and plowing the sexual energy into you after he gets revved up from the affirmation of some other woman flirting with him, it's to your benefit, disclosed or not disclosed. But if he's getting phone numbers and making out with bitches and bars or whatever, What does that say? What does that tell you about his intent?
What does that tell you about what the next decade might look like? Because that's tiptoeing up to the infidelity abyss and throwing your shoes in, not quite throwing your entire self in yet, but it's a sign that these two rules might not be the only rules that he, I don't want to say has broken, don't want to pour poison in your ear, but may break. And you guys need to have a talk about that.
You're free to go. You can divorce him over this. I wouldn't divorce a guy over this knowing what I know about men and knowing what I know about the guy you might wind up with after this guy. But if you're going to stay, you two together need to come up with rules that he can realistically
honor so that you don't feel violated but if the rules that you two need to come to so that he can honor them themselves make you feel violated there may be no way to save this marriage i'm sorry to say hi dan i am wondering more about the taste of cum i'm also someone who loves the taste of cum and i am worried if my husband gets a vasectomy is that going to alter the taste
My sister has said that her husband tastes a little less quality after having a vasectomy. It tastes more like as if it's his second time ejaculating, and that is how it tastes all the time. Can anybody answer this for me? I would not want to change the taste of my husband's cum, but I'm also not ready to have any more children.
Two to 5% of semen of ejaculate is composed of sperm cells produced in the testicles, which is crazy to contemplate because there's like 100 million, 200 million sperm cells in a single teaspoon of ejaculate. And yet all of those sperm cells, those tens of millions, hundreds of millions of sperm cells, just two to 5% of the total volume of ejaculate.
The rest is water, plasma, and I'm sorry to say, ladies, mucus secreted by the seminal vesicles, a pair of glands. Great name for a punk band, seminal vesicles, or drag queen. And the prostate gland, and something that I cannot pronounce, the bulbarorethral gland.
That's the gland that makes the mucus, the pre-cum that zaps urine residue in the urethra, makes the urethra less acidic, which makes it more... Welcoming and hospitable environment for the sperm cells that are passing through it if a guy hasn't had a vasectomy on the way out into the world, out into the vaginal canal, out into the rectum, down the gullet, wherever it's going.
Your sister could not tell the difference. It was psychological. It was in her head. Now, I'm assuming that your sister and her husband, he didn't go get a vasectomy two weeks after they met, that they were together for a long time and... had kids and they decided they didn't want to have any more kids, or they decided they didn't want any kids.
And at some point, years and years and years into the relationship, he got a vasectomy. Men, as they age, the amount of semen they produce, its viscosity, the total semen, not just the sperm cells, changes. So it may just be a coincidence that as his semen was changing as he aged,
He also got a vasectomy and your sister credited the slight change in flavor to the vasectomy to the absence of these sperm cells when it was just two different things happened at once. So yeah, your husband can get a vasectomy. It is not going to change how his semen tastes. It really isn't. That is some kind of weird placebo effect or you just, you know it.
You know there's something different and so you're... don't know, playing semen sommelier at that moment and trying to perceive if you have detected a difference when you haven't. I'm sorry. No one's palate is that refined. So you're hoping can safely get that vasectomy if you're done having kids and you can continue to enjoy swallowing his cum and the taste won't change. I promise you.
all right time for listener feedback first up some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love says frank dan in your discussion with jill filipovich you said you were a boomer but not a real boomer because you were born very late into the boomer generation I am just a few years older than you, Dan, and there is a name for us, Generation Jones.
It describes boomers like us who came of age in the 70s and 80s rather than the 1960s. I looked it up. Generation Jones has a wiki page. If there are any other barely boomers out there like me and Frank, You're going to want to look up Generation Jones and read about it. Finally, we have a demographic designation that makes sense for us.
Lots of comments about my conversation with Mike Peska, host of The Gist, which was our last Sex and Politics. Mostly about the ever-contentious plastic straw issue, but some comments about the question we tackled together, the one from the high-end sex worker who wanted a romantic partner.
but wanted that romantic partner to pay for absolutely everything just like her sugar daddy does, says Thingamajig. Massive eye roll directed toward the caller. You want a partner who picks up all the checks and spends lavishly on you? Yeah, so do I. Sadly, I don't have the attributes, physical and otherwise, to convince anyone to give me that kind of deal.
Congrats if you do, but that is not a kink or a fetish. You're just looking out for number one. Well, I don't know. Benefit of the doubt to the caller, fin dom is definitely a fetish and it's not just subs who get off on it. But I will give you thingamajig that the line between kinky fin doms and plain old avaricious greedy motherfuckers is a blurry one.
And finally, a comment from No Cute Name that I am not going to give any context for. If you don't know what this is in reference to, you will have to go back and listen to last week's show. Says No Cute Name, I just can't see ass eating as a substitute for mouth kissing. There's a lot more to No Cute Name's comment.
A lot more interesting things that No Cute Name had to say about substituting ass eating for mouth kissing. But I wanted to share that opening line. I wanted to share that lead because I thought, you know... That is the kind of comment you will only find at savage.love. All right, for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday where I respond to listener and reader comments.
And for the rest of the summer, I am posting letters that were too long for the column and letting my superstar Savage Love commenters try their hand at giving some advice. Struggle Session, not behind a paywall for the rest of the summer. Check out the next one on Thursday.
And now, drumroll please, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part of the show where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
This is a comment for the guy in episode 932 with the girlfriend who has a six-year-old daughter, like, disappointed that he didn't get a hell yes from her to uproot her life and move to the middle of the countryside. Dan, I thought your advice was great. but you weren't tough enough on him. Oh my goodness. I'm a stepmother to twin seven-year-olds.
And let me tell you, part of being a step-parent is recognizing from the very, very beginning that the kid comes first. The kid always comes first. And this guy talks about wanting to be a father, not a father figure in her life, but wanting...
his experience of parenthood to be through this woman's daughter, but he can't make the very, very first sacrifice, which is understanding that this six-year-old kid's stability and her being around her friends and her being around her support network, that comes first over him getting the enthusiastic hell yes from his girlfriend. I don't think this guy should be a step-parent.
I think he should go away and think about his priorities and if he is ready for parenthood and all that it entails because from his call it really didn't sound like he was.
Hi Dan, I am calling in for the guy with the neurodivergent girlfriend who doesn't like kissing. I'm neurodivergent too, I have ADHD, and I have some sympathy for the girlfriend. Cuddling, especially when I am falling asleep, makes me feel very trapped and really activates some flight or fight response.
The accommodation my husband and I worked out is that we'll try to cuddle in the morning when I am less sleepy and thus find cuddling less stressful. I'm wondering if this guy's girlfriend could be GGG, depending on, of course, how bad her fight-or-flight response is to kissing. And maybe they could start out sex by doing things that get her off.
that don't require kissing, and then once she is pretty satisfied, if they could make out some, focusing more on his needs at that point, and maybe taking some breaks where he does something like kiss her neck or something like that, so she doesn't get too overwhelmed by making out before they finally do things that focus on, you know, getting him off.
Yeah, it's so funny. You really are. You're so gay. The guy who was talking about wanting to be intimate and kissing, and you go right to eating ass. Women also have a vagina that some people like to kiss and lick, and that is an intimate way of, you know, something they could try, too.
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your juicy questions and your insightful comments for future shows. You can record your question or comment at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love.
Or you can call our landline like it's 1982 and leave us a message at 206-302-2064. Our brand new lineup of Hump 2024 films is touring the US, Canada, and Europe right now. This weekend, Hump 2024 Part 2 has its final screenings in Portland, Oregon. Thank you to everybody who came to Cinema 21 over the weekend. Last two weekends. to say hi to me and enjoy Hump.
We will also be humping in Berlin, Amsterdam, Montreal, Kansas City, Seattle, Olympia, Minneapolis, and Durham, North Carolina this weekend. There's nothing like seeing Hump in a theater with an audience. Go to humpfilmfest.com right now to get tickets for a screening in a theater near you. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage.
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