A straight man worries that his one-on-one OnlyFans interactions are a form of infidelity. A divorced man is out dating and learning about tantra. A couple of women he's seen were both mothers, and although he found them attractive and his dick got hard, he couldn't come with either of them. They both blamed themselves for having changed postpartum bodies. Who is the culprit- the ladies or his dick? On the Magnum, Dan chats with cultural historian Kelly Coyne about off-kilter domestic arrangements- married couples who live apart, stay at home dads, and married couples who sleep apart. (Spoiler: it's the snoring!) As usual, straight folks have a lot to learn from gay arrangements. And, a woman used to pin her orgasms on cuckold fantasies. But ever since she got into poly relationships, and the thought of her partner sleeping with other women was no longer taboo, her fantasies fail to get her there. How can she rewire her erotic inner life and start to come again? This episode is brought to you by Hims, providing affordable access to ED treatment, online. Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/Savage. This episode is brought to you by Feeld, a dating app where the open-minded can meet the like-minded. Download Feeld on the App Store or Google Play. This episode is brought to you by Liberator: makers of pillows, shapes and furniture for new exciting sex. They’re offering an additional 10% off site-wide; exclusively for our listeners! Go to Liberator.com, and use promo code ‘SAVAGE.’ Dan Savage is a sex-advice columnist, podcaster, author, and creator of the It Gets Better Project. From cuckolding, to bisexuality, jealousy to sexual health and with a dose of progressive politics, Dan Savage has been cultural force for sex positivity since the 1800s.
You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young'un.
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, well, there's nothing you can't do.
Walking home from the pot shop in my neighborhood the other day, doing two things at once, eating an edible and doom scrolling as I wandered into traffic. I suddenly felt like reading what I was reading pretty soon. I'm going to be living in a country where no one goes to prison for possessing marijuana anymore, but people go to prison for possessing pornography.
That's the plan in Oklahoma where Republican state Senator Dusty Devers, which is a porn name. If I ever heard one Republican state Senator Dusty Devers introduced a bill the day after Trump was sworn into office or back into office and that would put anyone who produces, distributes, or possesses pornography in prison for 10 years.
The legislation also includes prison terms of up to 30 years for anyone found guilty of quote-unquote porn trafficking, which the bill does not define. which is a problem. As the New Republic pointed out a few years back, trafficking is less a clear-cut crime than a call to moral panic. There's no legal definition of trafficking. Trafficking means whatever a cop or a prosecutor wants it to mean.
So in Oklahoma, porn trafficking could mean anything from transporting someone across state lines to appear in porn against their will to flying into Will Rogers Airport in Oklahoma City with nude pictures of your wife on your phone. It'll be up to the cops in Oklahoma. Lots of stupid bills get introduced by random state senators and state house members all across the country every year.
State legislatures, we are not sending our best. And when a stupid bill like this one gets introduced by a Republican, it generates a lot of news coverage. The idiot who introduced it gets to claim they're being attacked by the lamestream media. They raise a lot of money.
And the people targeted by the bill out there reading stories about it, in this case, people who make or consume pornography, and that means pretty much everyone winds up feeling anxious. Now, bills designed to attract media attention aren't just a right-wing thing.
Bradford Blackman, a Democratic state legislator in Mississippi, introduced a bill last week called the Contraception Begins at Erection Act. This bill would, if passed, make it a crime in Mississippi for a man to, quote, discharge genetic material without intent to fertilize an embryo. Quick technical point, sperm fertilizes eggs, doesn't fertilize embryos, but point taken.
The big difference, however, between Dusty Deaver's proposed law criminalizing porn and Bradford Blackman's proposed law criminalizing most of the orgasms men have most of the time is that Deaver's actually wants to send people to prison and Blackman just wants people to think.
As Blackmun said when he introduced this legislation, you have male-dominated legislatures in Mississippi and all over the country that pass laws that dictate what a woman can and cannot do with her body. When a bill has been filed that would regulate what a man is able to do with his own body, it suddenly has people in an uproar. Blackmun wanted an uproar, he got an uproar, and he's done.
Deaver, on the other hand, is not done.
Given the makeup of Oklahoma State legislature, Republican governor, Republican super majorities in both houses, actually super duper majorities, overwhelming Republican majorities in the Oklahoma State House and Senate, and given the fact that banning pornography was a part of Project 2025, you know, Project 2025, the plan crafted by the Heritage Foundation for a second Trump administration that candidate Trump said he knew nothing about, and political fact-checkers accused Dems of being liars when they tried to tie Project 2025 to Trump,
After he disavowed it during the campaign and now Trump, back in office, has spent his first week signing executive orders lifted directly from Project 2025. You know, that Project 2025.
As Andrew Ivine pointed out on Mashable, Project 2025, the conservative policy wish list for Trump's second term, calls for exactly what Deaver's bill proposes, quote, a ban on pornography and the imprisonment of its creators. So while I would bet against this bill becoming law, I wouldn't bet a lot of money. And I think a law like it is bound to pass at some point and soon.
Speaking of laws I oppose and porn, last week the Supreme Court heard arguments in Free Speech Coalition v. Paxton, which is a challenge to a Texas state law requiring porn websites to verify the ages of people who log on to get off. More than a dozen states have passed age verification laws and Pornhub has blocked people in most of those states from accessing their sites.
David French, he's an opinion columnist for the New York Times, the left's favorite right-wing evangelical Christian, argues that these age verification laws are a good thing. At first glance, the law is simple common sense. As Texas noted, all 50 states bar minors from purchasing pornography. French wrote in a column titled, Texas has a point about online pornography.
Back to French, offline identification requirements are common. Showing a driver's license to enter a strip club is routine. I'm old enough to remember when it wasn't a pot shop on the corner I might have walked to, but a porn shop. And yeah, you had to show ID to enter. Whenever age verification laws like this come up, I find myself feeling torn. My mind goes to Billie Eilish.
who encountered, as they say, encountered hardcore porn when she was only 11 years old. And it negatively shaped her expectations about sex and resulted in her having some really miserably bad first sexual experiences. I wish Eilish hadn't encountered the porn that she did when she did.
And maybe effective age verification systems, not statutes, not state laws, but systems would have protected her. I think about some of the porn I've seen, and yeah, I don't want 11-year-old kids to see some of the porn I've seen. I wouldn't have been ready to see that at 11.
that age verification laws in Texas and other states are a lot like proposed laws criminalizing porn in Oklahoma and other states, dangerously broad. As the Electronic Frontier Foundation pointed out about the law in Texas and others, the laws claim to target pornographic materials, but wind up targeting by design LGBT content, pornographic or not, and mostly not.
We live in a culture where no one believes that acknowledging the existence of heterosexuals – straight people, straight marriages, straight kids, straight romance – means you're explicitly talking about the mechanics of heterosexual sex. Because we all, all of us, understand that heterosexuality is about more than sex.
But a great many Americans, often elected officials, believe that acknowledging the existence of gay people – gay marriage, gay sex, gay kids, gay romance – amounts to talking explicitly about anal sex.
I'm hoping the Supreme Court strikes these laws down in their current iterations as they're too vague and leave too much discretion to prosecutors and have resulted in self-censorship by media companies, particularly, again, of LGBT content. This hope that we will get a reasonable ruling on these laws out of this particular Supreme Court
is one I only entertain after I've visited my local pot shop. All right, finally, before we get to the show, quick note.
After Diana Adams of the Chosen Family Law Center came on the show back in November to urge trans and non-binary listeners to get their government documents in order with their correct gender markers, a small handful of people reached out to me to say that I was being alarmist, and so was Diana.
And then the first thing Marco Rubio did after being sworn in as Trump's Secretary of State was suspend passport applications for anyone seeking to change their sex marker. So Diana was right to raise the alarm. And I hope the trans and non-binary people out there who listened to that show took Diana's advice and got their passports updated while they still could. And not to be alarmist...
But when countries have persecuted a small minority of their citizens while at the same time making it harder or impossible for members of that minority to travel abroad to escape persecution, almost always a bad sign of the direction in which that country is headed. All right, everybody, sorry about the downbeat opening this week.
I will keep my eyes peeled for a fun and juicy sex scandal to open next week's show with, I promise.
All right, coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me on the magnum that you can subscribe to at savage.love, cultural historian Dr. Kelly Coyne joins me for a conversation about all the different creative ways people are arranging their lives these days, their domestic situations, their domestic arrangements, and how, as usual, the gaze paved the way.
All right, let's get to that first call. This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it. This episode is sponsored by HIMSS. Affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at himss.com slash savage.
This episode is brought to you by Liberator, makers of premium sex positioning pillows, shapes, and furniture for sex. Use code savage at liberator.com to save an extra 10% and make this Valentine's Day epic.
Hi, Dan. 41-year-old cis, mostly straight guy here in Texas. Since YouPorn and Pornhub are blocked in the state, I have been visiting a campsite, which, as you know, allows users to watch women in various video chat rooms and hire them for private performances. The feature I use the most is an exclusive show in which I turn on my own webcam and have a session of mutual masturbation with a worker.
During these sessions, I can see and hear her, and she can see and hear me. I got married last year and discovered this website a few months after the wedding. At first, it was just one of several different masturbation routines, but it quickly became my go-to as the one-on-one session with an actual human being is too hot to pass up.
My wife and I are a relatively low-sex couple and have a great relationship with our respective masturbation time. When I catch her on accident or she sees me coming out of our room with a laptop, we flirt and give each other crap. while at the same time always respecting each other's time and space to masturbate how and when we please.
Now, though, I'm weighed down with this guilt that what I'm doing goes beyond just masturbating and into something else, a real sex act with a real human in which sometimes actual if unnameable emotional stuff is being exchanged. After all, When my wife and I began dating during COVID, we had a lot of mutual masturbation sex on FaceTime, and every one of those sessions meant something.
I admit that part of the appeal of these exclusive shows is that, among other things, being stroked, it also strokes my ego to think that some of the women whom I see regularly recognize me and are genuinely excited for our time together. Maybe I'm just another deluded John, but I've never had trouble with women in the real world.
These workers are people too, and these exclusives can feel more intimate than either one of us expected. My wife vaguely knows that I visit sites with live women and, as I said above, respects my privacy and even told me I didn't need to share what I do there. But I fear that if she knew the full extent of this routine, she would have serious misgivings.
I also feel a little weird about the money. We keep separate accounts, and it is my own money, but these sites charge by the minute, and spending a couple thousands of dollars a year that I'm not disclosing to my spouse feels like its own financial infidelity.
I feel like I'm having multiple ambiguous digital emotional sexual affairs a few times a week, made all the more strange because they happen in the bedroom I share with my wife, often while she's working in her home office just a few doors away. Dan, am I cheating on my wife?
All right, what I'm supposed to say, am I cheating on my wife? You asked me, am I cheating on my wife? And I'm supposed to tell you, only your wife can answer this question. Go ask your wife if you're cheating on your wife when you get into these one-on-one sessions with cam girls that you spend a couple of grand a year enjoying. So now I've said that. That's my official position.
Only your wife could tell you whether she would regard this as cheating. And cheating in the context of a committed relationship is something that only those two people can define together. Different couples have different definitions of cheating. I want to complicate that with you are entitled to a zone of erotic autonomy.
And when Esther Perel talks about the burden of knowing when it comes to actual affairs, she cautions people about the damage it can do to your relationship to the unburden yourself of the guilt, to relieve yourself of the guilt by telling your partner absolutely everything, including things they might not want to know. And once you tell them, won't be able to unknow.
And I think the fact that your wife, you and your wife both have created time and space in your relationships where she masturbates, you have a low sex relationship, but she enjoys masturbation, you enjoy masturbation, you don't give each other grief about that.
There's no resentment curdling the relationship because we haven't had sex for a couple of weeks and you just went off and had a wank that your wife... while not having specifically consented to this exact kind of behavior, has acknowledged that this is whatever you do when you're alone and masturbating is your private time, private space, that you are when you close that door and she's in her...
home office working and you're in the bedroom masturbating, that you have entered that zone of erotic autonomy that she respects. She has signaled and telegraphed to you that she respects your erotic autonomy during wank time as you respect hers during wank time. And you are therefore not obligated to share with her details that might be a burden to her.
And the fact that she knows that you watch cam girls sometimes when you masturbate and she may assume that you are one of dozens or hundreds or thousands of men watching a particular cam girl as she is online live masturbating. When in reality, every once in a while, occasionally there's an audience of one to get into that kind of fine grained detail.
Maybe she just doesn't want to know the fact that she hasn't interrogated you about this. Maybe a signal that. Not that she wouldn't be bothered by this if she knew, but that she doesn't want to know things that potentially she might be bothered by. So are you cheating on your wife? I don't know. Maybe.
Maybe your wife would feel like this was approaching infidelity, especially if you have ongoing connections with some of these girls where they're happy to see you and you're happy to see them. Maybe that would approach a kind of porn-enabled, internet-enabled emotional infidelity that she wouldn't be comfortable with. So don't tell her about it. Don't tell her about it.
Take the yes that you've been given, that yes, you are entitled to the zone of erotic autonomy, and I am not going to interrogate you about what goes on in that room when you're sitting in front of your computer with your dick in your hand having a wank. Your wife has signaled to you that she doesn't want to know. Don't fuck it up by telling her.
Don't fuck up your relationship by telling her something that she has already, you know, the vague outlines of. And if she was curious or wanted that outline filled in, she would ask and she hasn't asked. Don't tell. This goes out to my fellow men. Life is pretty stressful and it's getting stressier all the time.
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Hi Dan, Nancy, and the tech savvy at Risk Youth. 30-year-old bi poly woman here, and I guess just calling with a question about my partner. We met online back in September, and in October ended up going on a date and really hit things off. Yeah, I mean, it was a great time, like definitely formed a connection pretty quickly.
I told him I wanted our relationship to be open and that I was poly from the get-go and he was receptive and said it was something he was interested in and willing to explore and had just never really done it before but wanted to. So fast forward to, like, the last few months, every once in a while, like, trying to keep the conversation open. So I've asked, hey, are you still on dating apps?
And he's always said no. And I told him that I'm still on field and I have changed my account to say that I am partnered in poly and have... um a partner and have a picture of us together so he has not changed his and also said he doesn't use the apps anymore and although i'm not a huge fan of these styles of calling people out there's a facebook page called are we dating the same guy um
And he's been posted in there four different times. One of them was two days ago. He claims we've never met up with anybody. But I'm concerned about my health. Like, I am going to get tested. I just don't know if this is forgivable. My boundaries that I set from day one... were, don't lie to me and don't fuck around and hurt my feelings. And he lied and he fucked around and he hurt my feelings.
So am I a chump for taking him back? Is this DTMFA? Like, I don't really know what to do here. But turns out we're going on vacation in an hour.
Just so I follow... If he had told you that he was dating other women, fucking other women, it would have been fine because you're open and poly, you're still on field. Presumably you're still on field because you're allowed to pursue other sexual encounters or date other people concurrently while you're dating this guy. But he kept reassuring you that he wasn't dating anybody else.
He didn't update his still active profile on dating apps to include any... No acknowledgement of you, no picture of you, no interrelationship at Open and Polly. And so why? Why would he lie? Why did he lie when he didn't need to lie? Why would he lie to you when he didn't need to lie to you? I don't know.
There are some people out there who sex is hotter if it's forbidden, if they're doing something wrong, if they're getting away with something. Being with someone like that when you want to be open and transparent can be fucking exhausting. And you're not going to get the truth. You're not going to get asked for permission from someone who's
Erotics are really tied to someone whose erotic imagination is really wrapped up in being naughty and getting away with things and transgressions. And who does somebody like that want to transgress against most? Well, often the romantic partner. that they've made certain commitments to or given certain assurances.
That's the easiest reach for this kind of sexual erotic transgression, this kind of violation. So... yeah, you have boundaries. Don't lie to me. Don't fuck around. Don't hurt my feelings. And he lied to you about fucking around and he was fucking around and fucking around may have been okay, but that hurts your fucking feelings.
Well, you might have to enforce your boundaries and break the fuck up with this guy. This does seem to me to rise to DTMFA territory. I would break up with him. if I were fucking this guy for those reasons.
I wouldn't feel safe with this guy, particularly if he was doing sexually risky things with other people and moving through the world being the kind of asshole who winds up on, are we dating the same guy over and over and over again? You got to ask yourself, what's in this for you? Is this a problem for you?
Or is this something that you can retcon, that you can retroactively give him permission to do? Are you okay with being deceived like this? Is that what you've learned about yourself, having been deceived like this? You put down a marker, you set a boundary, you're not enforcing it. The dick must be amazing. Maybe that's why you're not enforcing it.
Or maybe you're not enforcing it because you don't want to, because you want to move that boundary, move that goalpost for your own reasons. I don't know. I don't know. But if what you need is permission to break up with this guy for fucking around, lying to you and hurting your feelings. Yeah, absolutely. You have permission. to break up with this guy for those reasons.
And if for your own reasons you still want to go on this vacation, you're already on this vacation, if for your own reasons you still want to go on this vacation, have one last raw, jump on his dick one or two more times, and then break the fuck up with him when you get home, that's kind of a lie.
You're misrepresenting your interests or intentions by going on this vacation, or you have already misrepresented your interests and long-term intentions by going on this vacation. But considering that he was a shitheel first, I wouldn't blame you. I wouldn't blame you at all. So enjoy the vacation. Enjoy the dick. Dump the motherfucker. I'm already winning it back.
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Hi, Dan, Nancy, and the tech-savvy at-risk youth. I'm a straight male, mid-40s, living in the West. I was in a committed heterosexual relationship for most of my adult life, which ended in an amicable divorce in 2022. Since then, I've dated a few different women.
I've been exploring Tantra, King, BDSM, learning about desires and boundaries and communicating clearly and generally having a blast and a sexual awakening. The reason I'm calling is that I've had a couple short-term relationships with women who are mothers, and I found that I was less likely to have an orgasm with them when we had PV sex.
Making love without an orgasm hasn't been a significant problem for me. I've been learning how to focus more on pleasure than getting off for the first time in my life, and this means longer lovemaking sessions. It seems like my partner and I both experience more pleasure as a result.
I was turned on by both of these women, and I don't have issues with getting erections or orgasms through masturbation. Meanwhile, both of these women expressed concerns about my not having an orgasm, They said it impacted their sense of being a good lover. One woman expressed body shame about her vagina being looser after giving birth. And the situation seemed to add tension to each relationship.
I'm so aware that there's shame that society puts on women about their bodies in general, and especially after changes with pregnancy. And I don't want to add to that in any way. I tried to empathize and affirm that their bodies are beautiful. And here's what I've considered so far in trying to troubleshoot the issue.
So I did notice less friction when we were having PV sex than women I've dated who haven't given birth. But I'm not assuming that that's the reason for the orgasm issue. I've read how our brain is the greatest erogenous zone. I think of myself as demisexual, and these two relationships both ended after a few months. I've been wondering if my subconscious...
held back the orgasm because it's such a vulnerable experience of connection with a new partner. I'm wondering if my penis might be decreasing in sensitivity or if it's harder to have orgasms as men age. I'm having some of the most satisfying sexual experiences of my life and finding so many new ways to experience pleasure.
But these experiences leave me wondering what might be getting in the way of PV orgasms.
Maybe exploring tantra is the problem. What little I know about tantric sex techniques, all about delaying orgasms, decentering orgasms, or sublimating genital orgasms and having orgasms in your calves or whatever. So maybe it's tantra. What I'm trying to suggest here by,
ragging on Tantra a little bit, love you all you Tantra practitioners, just joking, is that you may be experiencing something that's just a coincidence and you're reading into it causation. You are careening into your mid-40s and it is true that you will become perhaps, as many men do, a little less sensitive as you age and orgasms may be a
attributing meaning or causation to the fact that the last few orgasms, last few relationships you were in, we had a hard time achieving orgasm to the fact that these women had given birth and maybe there was less friction or maybe it's you, maybe it's your dick.
I'm really concerned though about the conversations you had with these women who walked away from these conversations feeling like their bodies had failed you rather than you doing what anybody should do in a Even if it's true that something about the other person's body isn't hitting your dick in just the right way, you don't have to tell them that.
You just tell them that sometimes, you know, you have to use your own hand to finish. And... Just like you can say, just like a lot of women need to, you know, can't come during PIV alone, need direct intense clitoral stimulation, sometimes more intense than a finger or tongue can provide or the bank shot stimulation that PIV provides to many women. And I need to...
jacket to get myself there at the end. And it's not about you. I'm loving this. This is so hot, but I'm going to finish myself up. This is why I think all straight people should watch a ton of gay porn at some point in their lives, because all these straight people out there are like, oh, we're having PIV and she's not coming. I'm like, watch gay porn.
Well, you will see the bottom and the top come simultaneously because
the bottom is stroking his dick and timing it with the top they're talking to each other about whether they're both close and getting close and they'll come together and you'll also see a ton of people who in gay porn where the guy pulls out near the end and jacks off and finishes and everybody's delighted because that's sex and good sex and it just might be like how their dicks work.
And this could just be how your dick works. And I think you need to err on the side of framing it that way. When you're with somebody where you're not getting there, you just need to say like, I need usually to get myself at least jacked off at some point, really enjoying it. I can fuck you. You know, you can use your vibrator. We can use our fingers. You can have as many orgasms as you want.
My dick is reliable. I'm not going to come too soon. But then in the end, I'm going to like have to give myself a few strokes. You can also do the orgasmic inevitability trick where you pull out And you stroke yourself to the point of orgasmic inevitability.
You get onto that OI plateau and then you dive the fuck back in and have your orgasm inside that other person if that's important to them that you have that orgasm inside that other person. You mention how your last couple of relationships were with women close to your age who were mothers, had given birth.
You don't mention whether you've slept with anybody recently or concurrently with those women who hadn't given birth and you hadn't had this problem with. So if you haven't had this problem with other women, yeah, maybe there was something about Them, their bodies, the way they were hitting you could have been related to them having given birth, could have just been a random thing.
But if you've had this problem or you experienced this problem going forward with other women, a random sample of women who have given birth and haven't given birth, it's your dick. That's not the problem. I don't want to even frame this as a problem. This is how your dick works now that you're in your 40s. And that's how you present it. That's how you talk about it with your sex partners.
If you have to pull out and jack off to finish and come, you don't then say to her, you ever have any kids? You don't go on a mission to figure out what the problem might be and whether it might be her problem. It's your dick. It's always a you problem, how you come, what you need to get off there at the end.
And any woman, you know, when somebody feels like, oh, it must be me or I'm not turning you on. You just have to say to them, it's not you. Look how hard my fucking dick is. Look how long my dick has been hard. You turn me on. This is great. I'm enjoying this. This is just how my dick works. works and you should be here for how my dick works.
Just like I'm here for how your pussy works, whatever you need to have your orgasm and get off, whether you want PIB during that or oral sex or using toys or vibrators, we're going to make your orgasm happen and together we're going to make my orgasm happen too.
And us having to use a vibrator with you doesn't mean you're not into it or attracted to me and me having to use my own right hand or left hand, For 30 seconds as we near the end, doesn't mean I'm less attracted or not attracted to you. Valentine's Day is almost here. And if you want to knock it out of the park this year, I suggest you head on over to liberator.com right now.
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Hi, Dan. I have just gone through a breakup in the last couple of months and have entered a few beautiful poly relationships, having a great time. However, there is an issue that has arisen that I can seem to not come without my vibrator. These guys are giving me exceptional oral and I cannot come. There is a serious mental blockage there. I don't know if it's a mental blockage.
I don't know if it's a fantasy thing. I don't know if it's like a desensitization thing. But the thing is with my ex, I could definitely come. And I think the reason was, I think it's more of like a psycho psychological thing where I am clearly, uh, I think I'm a pretty big cuck or cuck queen.
And the fantasy that I would go to before I would come when my ex would go down on me or I would touch myself or whatever was that I would imagine him fucking someone else and the idea of him coming in them, coming on them, whatever. was just super hot and would send me over the edge every time. It was just great.
But now I'm in poly relationships where people actually do have partners that they're fucking. And the risk is no longer, even though it seems like the perceived risk is that risk is actually more real because my partners have partners. But because it's actually happening, it has kind of like messed up the fantasy in my head or something. And it just doesn't work for me anymore.
And so I am now getting super in my head. about not being able to come when they go down on me. I really want to. I normally can come with my hand. I normally come from oral pretty easily and I feel stuck. I don't know if I need to find a new fantasy or just drop into the pleasure because it's all feeling really good still. Or maybe it's just time because I'm going through a breakup.
But I don't know if it's that. I'm really struggling to even come on my own when no one's around. One of my more dominant partners, we're going through a bit of a training thing of like a reward system of like not using the vibrator and if I can come. Anyway, I really want to come.
Like the previous caller, it could be that your body has changed, that there have been physical changes as you've aged. But rather than just kind of rolling with that for now, and you can come. You can come with a vibrator. You still are orgasmic. You are capable of achieving orgasms.
But rather than just accept that maybe like your body is changing and what you need to hit it with is a little different now as you get a little older, you're looking for something external that's changed, a change of circumstance that would explain away this physical change that could be permanent and you may just have to roll with or could be temporary. But I do think there's something to...
your fantasy life, to what your erotic imagination was doing, the boost that was giving you when your partner, your previous partner, when you were not poly, when you were in what I assume to be a closed, at that time, a closed monogamous relationship. And you would fantasize about your partner getting with somebody else and that would carry the ball the last 10 yards.
There you go, everybody's sports metaphor. And you would come and And now you can't – that go-to fantasy doesn't work as well for you anymore because you're in poly relationships now and your partners have partners. So what does that mean?
That means when you were fantasizing about that partner you had a monogamous commitment with, when you thought about them with somebody else, it was a violation. It was a transgression. Even if it's no longer a violation or a transgression for your poly partners, your other partners to have other partners to come in or on other women –
okay, how do you get back what's at the core of that cut queen fantasy of yours, which was the transgressiveness of it, the violation of it, the betrayal of it? How do you pick out of the cut queen fantasies, these deeper themes, or how do you tap into those deeper themes and currents that really your cut queen fantasy was born along by, floated around on top of? Okay, so I think
What arouses a lot of cuckolds about cuckolding when they're in cuckold relationships where the person can sleep with other people is the imbalance of it all, the unfairness of it all.
What is it that your partners now, your dominant partner, your other partners, what is it that they could be allowed to do or get away with that you could make an agreement with them that you were not allowed to do and that brought to those relationships and these sexual interactions, something that you could fantasize about or even talk about with your partner while they're going down on you.
Like people don't talk with their mouth full, but they can take a breath every once in a while. What is it that they could be allowed that you're not allowed?
Because when you think about a cuckold relationship and eroticized cheating and eroticized infidelity or a one-sided open relationship as the meanest cuckold risk describes them, there is an imbalance, there is an unfairness, there's betrayal, but it's allowed and yet it still is arousing. Okay, so What could your current crop of lovers be allowed to do that you yourself are not allowed to do?
I'm trying to think of an example of what it might be, but it really depends on the dynamics of your relationships and the sex that you enjoy with your partners. And if you can... Find something that vibes with that cut queen fantasy, the violation of the cut queen fantasy, the violation of the monogamous commitment that those fantasies represented.
You might be able to get there again, just through oral and just through dirty talk or closing your eyes and thinking those dirty thoughts again. If this isn't a physical change tied to age where you're a little more dependent now and the kind of stimulation that a vibrator provides you and that a tongue doesn't have the beats per minute to provide you with anymore.
Our bodies change as we get older. We have to roll with them. We can eternally grieve what we've lost or we can move into the new ways and explore the new ways and be motivated to find new things that work for us, explore new avenues of pleasure, new kinds of stimulation. The falling away of some things that worked for us just because our bodies were just so…
Keyed up and easily aroused, the falling away of some of those things can be very motivating. And then what you end up is finding a whole bunch of new things that you wouldn't have been motivated to explore or try a decade ago. And you're exploring and trying now. This may just be how your body works from here on out.
You may be able to tap into your cut queen fantasies again by peeling back the cut queen layer and seeing what emotional dynamics and erotic dynamics were underneath the cut queen veneer. But whatever. Enjoy. And stop saying, I can't come. You don't want to create a kind of weird feedback loop self-fulfilling prophecy by repeating that horrible phrase over and over and over again. You can come.
You do come with your partners. and a vibrator. That's coming. That counts. Alrighty, time for listener feedback. First up, I'm going to read some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says superstar commenter by Dan Fan, on the idea that it is always the husband who initiates cuckolding or hot wifing, and has to talk the wife into it.
I am not sure that's the case. It certainly doesn't jibe with Doc Chocolate's observation about how many women want gangbangs. I think women feel that they need to put on a show of saying they aren't interested at first. I hope you're right about that, Byte Dan fan.
But talking to cuckolds and hotwives and cuckoldresses over the years, very rare to hear from a couple where it was the wife's idea and the husband had feelings or hesitated or balked, almost always the other way around. Says first time, but hopefully not last time, commenter Black David, as a black cis het male, I felt Doc Chocolate was a bit evasive when Dan pressed the issue of race play.
I've been approached by white couples looking for a bull and have been incredibly turned off by it. I find a lot of these couples have extremely problematic views of black men and most have right leaning politics.
I obviously don't speak for all black men, but I just find the whole queen slash bull situation to be incredibly fraught with problematic people that I would never feel comfortable in bed with. Says Happy Hubby, also about my interview with Doc Chocolate, we've always been uncomfortable with the term BBC, which can be reductive and objectifying. We think of it in terms of BGE, Black Guy Energy.
It's a different vibe than the nerdy white guy energy I bring, and the juxtaposition is an exciting difference.
There are a lot more comments, tons of great, helpful, insightful, interesting comments on last week's show, including a lot of great advice for the caller who is losing his hair, a big debate about autism, self-diagnosed or otherwise, and when and how it's best to meet a new partner's kids from a previous relationship.
I want to thank, just take a minute to thank all the commenters at savage.love. You guys prove every week that savage.love is the one place on the internet where you should read the comments. For more listener feedback and my response to listener comments and reader comments, be sure to check out Struggle Session, which you can find every Thursday at savage.love.
Just go click on column and it'll be right there. And now everyone's favorite part of the show. Mine included the part where I shut my big gay mouth and my listeners get the last word.
Hey, Dan, I just had a comment for the woman who was wanting to know if she should stay in her ex's kid's life. I don't mean to sound like an asshole, but she is not co-parenting. She is doing the fun on thing. If she was co-parenting, she'd be getting up with the kid in the middle of the night. She'd be helping with homework. She'd be getting the kid ready to go to school in the morning.
I have a daughter who's five. She also tells everyone that she loves her. She tells people that she loves that she's met for like five minutes. So I think this lady needs to slow her roll and not assume that she's a bigger part of this kid's life than she actually is. She's not co-parenting. She's being a fun aunt, which is perfectly fine.
But, you know, she needs to ask herself if she wants to continue this relationship for herself or for this child.
This is for the caller who has a neurodivergent boyfriend. I thought it'd be beneficial for the caller to hear from someone who is neurodivergent. I'm a neurodivergent woman with ADHD and autism diagnosed late in life. And I just wanted to echo everything that Dan say and tell you that Dan is completely right. Being neurodivergent does not get out of jail free card.
It does not mean you don't have to meet your partner's needs. You're still expected to show up in the relationship and provide for that person in whatever way they require. It sounds to me like there needs to be a conversation between the two of you. Maybe there's some compromises that can happen. Like if sounds are a problem, bring loop earplugs.
That way you can still show up and be a participant in events, but you can block out any sounds that are bothering you. There are certain things like that. I think the boyfriend probably needs to go to therapy and learn coping mechanisms and start learning how he can navigate life with this information. It does not mean he gets to disconnect and not engage with things that are difficult.
That's just not part of being an adult, especially a high functioning neurodivergent. You just got to do it. So really, if the boyfriend still can't meet the needs, if he's using it as an excuse, just dump him, dump the motherfucker, move on. He's not able to meet your needs. It's the same as with a neurotypical person.
This is a message for the guy who is feeling lost after his hair loss. I have a piece of advice that isn't from me. It's from the Swedish singer Jens Lichtman, who wrote a blog post a few years ago about
about the identity struggles that he went through when he lost his hair, he said that he found one thing that helped him was using his new lack of hair as an opportunity to experiment more with wearing different scents. So maybe finding a perfume that you feel like you really like and that affirms your gender identity could help you get back a sense of yourself.
And we're going to leave it there. To get us a question or a comment for a future show, go to savage.love.com. Or you can make a voice memo and email it to us at q.savage.love. Or you can call us at 206-302-2064 and leave us a message on our answering machine. Hump 2025 kicks off the 20th anniversary. Hump Film Festival kicks off in just three weeks. Tickets are going fast.
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The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at-risk youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week with another installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for tuning in.