A woman has been dating a man from Ghana for 4 months. She just learned that he has a wife and kid back home, that he married out of familial/cultural obligation. Should the caller hold out to see if he chooses her over his overseas family? A married woman has a one year-old kid. She and her husband are monogamous, but she's getting into performing burlesque at local bars and it's making her want to try...other things. How far will she go? How much will her husband allow? Our guest is Irish comedian Des Bishop. He and Dan get into some straight guy topics: like straight guys into butt sex, straight guys into dicks, and how to surprise your straight guy with an awesome sex move. The (very gay) Dan Savage and the (very straight) Des Bishop got along like a house on fire. Some of this conversation is on the Micro, and all of it is on the Magnum. And, we can't phrase this delicately: She smells. A woman's girlfriend is so very beloved to her. But lately, she's been letting her hygiene slip and it's getting dire. How can the caller tell her sweetheart that she kind of stinks? [email protected] 206-302-2064 Des Bishop's special Of All People, is out now, here. This episode is brought to you by Feeld, a dating app where the open-minded can meet the like-minded. Download Feeld on the App Store or Google Play. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep. Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders! Go to HelixSleep.com/Savage. With Helix, better sleep starts now.
You're listening to the micro version of the Savage Lovecast at savage.love.
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, well, there's nothing you can't ask on the Savage Lovecast.
One way we keep things positive and upbeat at the top of the show every week is by talking about the do's. What to do, where to do it, who to do it with, or with whom to do it. But this week, we're opening the show with some don'ts. Don't fuck your students. I'm talking to teachers here, but if you are going to fuck your students, I guess do be pretty and do be straight and...
Do be a woman and do be fucking your students in the state of Missouri.
That's the lesson I'm drawing from the case of Haley Clifton Carmack, who used to be a math teacher at Lekay High School in Lekay, Missouri, until she got caught having sex with a 16-year-old male student and got caught using other students as lookouts while she was having sex with that 16-year-old male student, who she marked up by leaving deep scratches all over his back.
Clifton Carmack was arrested and prosecuted, but somehow she's only facing three months in prison. I'm thinking a male teacher, gay or straight, who had done the same and, like Clifton Carmack, had fled the state to avoid arrest. Yeah, that math teacher would have gone to prison for a lot longer than three months. For the record, 16 is the age of consent in 30 U.S.
states, but it's 17 in Missouri. But even if that student of hers had been 17, it would have been a crime in Missouri regardless, as it is a crime for teachers in Missouri to fuck students. And by law, the student's consent, even if they're 17, cannot be used as a defense. Nor can the parent's consent.
In an odd twist, the father of the student, Clifton Carmack, statutorily raped, was himself arrested. because he knew about the affair his son was having with his math teacher and didn't report it to the authorities. In yet another bizarre twist, child marriage is legal in Missouri.
A bipartisan attempt this year to end child marriage in Missouri failed to make it out of Missouri's state legislature again this year. So in Moe, at the Moe, a parent can consent to their teenage child marrying an adult, which is not okay, but a parent... can't consent or even turn a blind eye to their teenage child having sex with an adult. Also not okay. Make it make sense, Missouri.
Make it make sense. All right, another don't. You probably don't want to go see, if you're not me, the new production of Sancta, currently playing at the Stuttgart State Opera House, directed by Austrian choreographer Florentina Holzinger. It
During the first two performances of the nearly 100-year-old opera about a nun, 18 audience members required medical attention after fainting or experiencing extreme nausea during the production, which, according to news reports and reviews, many of them very positive.
Features like all of Holsinger's productions, an all-female cast, and in this case, a live piercing on stage, unsimulated sexual intercourse, also known as just sexual intercourse, aka actual fucking, naked nuns on roller skates, and tons of blood, fake and real.
Mercifully, unlike some other shows directed by Holtzinger, her production of Sancta, an opera about a horny nun who asks to be walled up in her convent for her sins, this production of Sancta doesn't feature as previous productions directed by Holtzinger did, quote, fresh excrement, close quote.
The show, which premiered in Austria earlier this year, has been accused of insulting the Catholic Church and Catholic sensibilities.
But as Holtsinger, who won't cast dancers that can't urinate on cue, as she told The Guardian, her production of Sancta is, quote, "...an exploration of the kinship between Catholics and BDSM practitioners, two groups that, again, quote, share a belief that joy and pain are intimately connected and those who suffer will find redemption."
I am not going to be in Stuttgart during the run of Sancta at the Opera House, but if I were, it would be a do for me. If anyone out there listening saw the now sold-out production in Stuttgart of Sancta, please give us a call and let us know what you thought. And finally, the biggest don't of the week for young straight men out there. Don't take dating advice from Stephen Miller.
Miller is Donald Trump's most odious advisor, which when you look at the people who surround Trump is really saying something. Miller was the architect of Trump's family separation policy, a stain on our country right up there with Japanese internment camps.
And Fox News host Jesse Waters, who thinks there's something gay about using a straw to drink a milkshake because you gotta suck, had this exchange with Miller when he was on his show earlier this month.
We're getting a lot of texts from women about Miller and his appearances and his appearance. Our audience at primetime believes you're some sort of sexual matador. What do you have to say for yourself?
Well, let me give advice to any young man that's out there. I'm married now. I have children, but I wasn't married that long ago. I was single. I was in the market. If you're a young man, it's very important in election season who's looking to impress ladies, to be the alpha, to be attractive. The best thing you can do is to wear your Trump support on your sleeve. Show that you are a real man.
Show that you are not a beta, right? Be a proud and loud Trump supporter, and your dating life will be fantastic.
Okay, first, no one is getting text messages from women who are horny about Stephen Miller. Those women, those text messages do not exist. Matadors? Sexual matadors? What's a sexual matador? A matador frustrates, torments, and then kills a bull, right? So I'm not sure what a sexual matador is supposed to be, but it's definitely someone women would run from, not toward.
And I'm sorry to be the bearer of, I think, good news. Being a loud and proud Trump supporter, if you're a man, isn't going to get you laid. Wearing your Trump support on your sleeve, per Miller's advice, will only result in you having a fantastic dating life if your idea of a fantastic date is an evening at home alone with your phone in one hand and your dick in the other.
And I have data to prove it. According to a new poll from Generation Lab that surveyed 1,000 American adults between the ages of 18 and 34, fully 45% of women would not date a man who voted for Trump. Only 17% of women would be willing to date a man who voted for Trump. And dating is about odds.
And in a sexual marketplace where your actions and beliefs are repulsive to almost 50% of the people you might hope to date and only attractive to 20%, Yeah, you are not going to do well. As Matthew Iglesias put it, Matthew Iglesias, writer, sub-stacker, big stats and trends guy, young men should know that if you vote for Trump, you're basically never going to get laid.
This is an alarming trend that we've noted here on the show before. More and more young men are supporting Trump. More and more young men are identifying as Republicans. while more and more young women are identifying as Democrats and liberals and progressives and supporting Harris. The gender gap that's always been there, Democrat, Republican, is now a chasm.
And increasingly, young women won't compromise. They won't date young men who vote for adjudicated rapists like Donald Trump, which is going to result in the short and long run in more unattached, unmoored, single young males in our society, which is dangerous and destabilizing.
As sociologists and political scientists have long observed, single males with no romantic prospects are easily radicalized by populists and authoritarians. Which is why Stephen Miller is going on TV and encouraging young men to do exactly what will ensure they never get laid per Iglesias.
Still, I hope, I do hope, young men backing Trump take Miller's advice and wear their support for Trump on their sleeves. Hell, I want them to staple those red hats to their heads. Because that way, young women who don't want to date Trump supporters, most of them, most young women, will be able to see those Trump supporters coming. Oh, and the election, two weeks away, two weeks from today.
If you're in an early voting state, please vote now if you haven't already. And while we're on do's and don'ts, do vote Harris, do vote blue, no matter who. Don't vote for Trump. Don't vote third party because that's also a vote for Trump. And voting for Trump, the ultimate don't. All right, on the show today, tons of your cues, lots of my A's, and our guest this week, comedian Des Bishop.
We talk about his new stand-up special, sex moves that might surprise a straight man like him, straight guys into butt stuff on the receiving end, play parties, and so much more. There's a little of my conversation with Des on the micro for all of my convo with Des, and ad-free shows and invites to Savage Love Live and more perks. Become a Magnum subscriber right now at savage.love.com.
All right, let's get to that first call. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the very best mattress designed with your comfort in mind. Right now, get 20% off a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect.
Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it.
Hi Dan, I'm a late 30s married cis woman calling about my experiences with possibly borderline sex work and how it might be impacting my marriage. I started dating my husband in my early 20s, got married after 7 years and now we have a 1 year old child and we've been totally monogamous the whole time. We have an okay sex life.
I'm still very attracted to him physically, and we have good chemistry. He knows how to make me cum. But things are pretty repetitive, and the frequency has cut in half since our son was born, so we're lucky if we have sex twice a month now. After my son was born, I needed to get back in touch with my identity outside of being a parent, and I started studying burlesque.
Over the past couple months, I've had opportunities to dance in a few amateur shows in small local bars, which end with performers stripping down to a thong and nipple tassels. My husband has been supportive of me doing burlesque.
Since entering a burlesque community that includes many queer women and enby folks, I've even had the confidence to come out to him as bi, which is something I've known my entire adult life and never told anyone. He was surprised, but he took it pretty well considering that we're monogamous, so it's kind of irrelevant.
One thing that came up recently, though, is I had a burlesque show at a very atypical venue. I actually performed at a large local sex club. Even though I only walked through the club long enough to get to the green room and the stage, I can't stop thinking about it.
I was so worried that the venue would be sketchy and make me uncomfortable, but they had really good boundaries and it actually made me feel like more of a safe space than a lot of the nightclubs I'd been to before. When I came home and I told my husband, he was pretty quick to judge and say that it's kind of a weird kink for people to want to have sex in public.
I didn't say to him, but I guess I'm kind of an exhibitionist and the thought of going to that club again, either as a performer or even as a guest with my husband seems so exciting to me. I just thought it was so cool to see so many people comfortable with their bodies and their sexuality.
And I thought to myself how I wouldn't even mind him hooking up with another woman there, given that there would be no strings attached in that kind of circumstance. And it's really the only venue I might even have the opportunity to realize my fantasy of being with a woman, which is something I assume would never happen for me.
I've already exposed my husband to so much through coming out as bi and bi performing. Will I be pushing him too much if I suggest we ever go to a club like this, even if it's just in baby steps?
I'm really glad for you that you found this outlet burlesque and that dancing and becoming a part of the burlesque community and meeting some people who are out and by and non-binary helped you find the courage to tell your husband something that that you'd known all your adult life, that you're bisexual.
But listening to your call, I just... awakens the social conservative in me, or just the conservative in me. I'm not a social conservative, not at all. Because I just kept thinking about whether this is the right time not to...
have your own individual passionate pursuit of dancing and burlesque, but to force this issue with your husband around public sex, around opening up your relationship, around you wanting to go to the sex club, not as a performer hustled into the green room and then onto the stage, but as a client, as a guest, as an attendee of a sex party,
Because you have an infant, you have a one-year-old a year, nine months ago and change you and your husband decided scramble your DNA together and have a baby. And so the stakes are really high here.
It's not just about you and not just about your husband, not just about you two as a couple, as a going concern, but you two as parents who have taken on together consciously the awesome responsibility of seeing this kid through to self-sufficiency. Having an infant, I think it's a really great opportunity
statement about who your husband is that he and you two together have made the time for you to go out there and Do burlesque and get back in touch with your body and I think it's great. I think it's really imperative for parents even new parents not to lose their sense of themselves and their individuality in their identities as Parents, I think it makes parents better
calmer, more confident, loving, and attentive parents to their children when they still have some time off alone or together. But an infant, a one-year-old, you're still in that really high pressure, high intensity relay race stage, right? of parenting where this kid is with one or the other or both of you at all times.
And one or the other or both of you together need to be paying attention, taking care of the kid. And it's like a baton that's constantly being passed back and forth. And it's really stressful. And so I just, I worry for the kid that if you march in there and give your husband the speech, I want to eat some pussy. There are some sexual adventures that I want to have.
But I want to go on together with you, including going to this place that you just told me you're kind of squicked out by. Even if there's a low probability of that conversation ending in a kind of relationship extinction level event, that low probability is still a high consequence, potentially. So I would encourage you to slow your roll. Next year and a half, at least. So the kid's a toddler.
Now, particularly as you have the kind of husband who steps up and does his fair share, hopefully his equal share of the child rearing, and to the point where you have nights off to pursue this passion of yours, credit to your husband, credit to you, but you not take that for granted. And you wait a bit. You wait until it's not too high pressure. And then...
You can say to your husband, who may have marinated on it a little bit. A lot of people, when it's not their idea, you know, a kink, a place to fuck, a thing to do, will have an instant, ooh, no, I would never.
And I encourage people when somebody lays their kink cards on the table and they're not your kinks, not to say no, which kind of sex negative culture teaches us to say, no, not for me, not the thing I want instead to say, Oh, cause you don't know how you might feel six months or a year down the line after you've thought about it. And so, yeah, maybe a year from now, your husband will be like, Oh,
after hearing a few more of your stories about your performances and this club and other venues more open to attending, but I wouldn't push it right now.
Hey Dan, Magnum Sub here. I've been dating this guy for about four months now. He's an international PhD student in my town. We've talked at great length about his home life back at home in Ghana. We have spent a fair amount of time together like anyone would when they're first dating.
I would like to spend a little bit more time with him, but respect his busy school, work, and side hustle schedule. I just happened to send him a funny reel saying, when your man is too busy, maybe you should ask him if he's married. Well, come to find out, he is. He's from Ghana, and his wife and his four-year-old son both live there.
He is trying to support them as well as himself here, so I respect that. We did talk about all this in a very civilized manner. He explained to me that it was just expected culturally that when they got out of college that they would get married, and therefore they did. It was asked of him from his father, and so he committed to marrying her. They have never lived together.
They've actually only lived in separate countries most of the time they've actually been married. Culturally, I do know this is an expectation, and I can respect traditions and culture. He stated that he wasn't sure if he would get a divorce or not. He's not sure if he's really even given the marriage a real shot. He just wanted to see what the future holds and go from there.
The problem is, now what? I feel kind of betrayed that he didn't tell me all this up front. He said he wanted to, but he didn't want me to think less of him or treat him differently. I care for him, but I also can't wait around for him either. I am looking for something long term.
You say you can respect other traditions, other cultures. All right. Can you respect... another tradition, another culture to the point that you never meet this guy's family. You respect his culture and those traditions enough to be his side piece forever, which is kind of what I think would happen here. You say you want something serious. You say you want a commitment.
I'm guessing after four months you weren't sending him funny marriage memes without an ulterior motive, but like, You were dropping a big hint there. And then the conversation went in a direction where you found out that this guy that you've been seeing casually for four months is married and has a kid. I don't know what the beginning of your relationship looked like. Was it casual?
You say he's getting his PhD and he has a side hustle. Maybe this was in his mind and, and he assumed it was also in your mind, a casual thing. And he didn't necessarily need to disclose this because he wasn't interested in anything serious. Wasn't available obviously for anything serious. And it turns out you want something more serious. And I sometimes joke about, not a joke.
I mean it laying your kink cards on the table at around six months. Well, here you are four months in and he laid his wife and kid card on the table. You say that he told you he's not sure he's going to get a divorce. Also not sure about whether or not he wants to give his marriage a shot.
He's told you he's never lived with this woman or even been in the same country with this woman, but somehow they were together at some point long enough for him to impregnate her and And at this point, this tipping point, I'm beginning to think, not sure he's going to get a divorce. That means he's not going to get a divorce.
That he may be now telling you what he thinks you need to hear to continue to date him, to see him, to hang out with him. And so respect for other cultures and traditions is great, but you also have to show, have some respect for what you want. out of a relationship.
And it seems pretty clear you're not going to get what you want out of a relationship from this guy, who at the very least is going to be seriously encumbered for the rest of his life. Do you want to be with somebody who is supporting a family on the other side of the world if indeed he stays with you on your side of the world?
And if he doesn't divorce this woman, he can't marry you, and then how does he stay on your side of the world? I think to protect yourself, you need to look at this as a cultural exchange. You need to look at this as potentially a successful short-term relationship and enjoy how much more time are you willing to invest in this guy? You know yourself better than I do.
Can you stop making an emotional investment in this person and just enjoy time and attention and someone to hang with and the dick? Until you meet somebody else.
I mean, if he's got a wife on the other side of the world, I think you should be free to date other men on this side of the world in case one might come along who wants what you want, which is a serious commitment and not a secret second family. And to be clear, you will be the secret second family. This episode is brought to you by Field.
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Hey Dan, 38SysMail here. I got with my partner over a year ago and we dated for a little bit and I decided that she wasn't the one for me and I couldn't fully commit. So we kind of backed off and became friends. Um, we kept hanging out and we were like really good friends.
And then, uh, we went to Burning Man together and started hooking up and one thing led to another and we were right back to where we were. Whereas like I needed to, you know, either commit to her or stop, you know, and it was a really hard situation for me, but I ended up on, Hey, what if we, you know, entered into a poly space and I could fully commit to that and like she could move in and,
And that's what we did. We took a lot of time to make our relationship foundational and read all the books and podcasts. And we went on a handful of dates. And she has another partner that she sees every once in a while. And I kind of saw some people. But anyway, this summer there was a tragic accident and I accidentally left her dog in my car and he passed away. It's been absolutely brutal.
I'm feeling emotions from grief and sadness and hurting her and then also guilt. My whole world's been turned upside down. Anyway, to say the least, she's really been struggling with it because I am the person that did it to her, but also the person that she cares for. She told me the other day that it feels like she's sleeping with the abuser and she's just not sure if she can get
over it, which I understand. But I've also been like, let's move forward in this relationship and let's continue along the poly space that we've been in. But she's just not there anymore. And she just wants me to just fully commit to her and show up for her, which I could never do at the beginning of the relationship. That wasn't what we agreed to
But I understand that she's going through a tough time right now. And I know I can't fully commit to her. It's a feeling I've had in past relationships. I guess I just have commitment issues or I just don't feel like she's the one that I can fully commit to. But she's an amazing partner. I love her and she loves me and we're best friends. But it's why the poly space just made so much sense.
And we were really navigating it until this tragedy happened. And Anyways, I don't really know how to proceed or what to do or how to take it to give her the space and also hold my integrity to what I know I need as well. So I love your show. Any advice would be much appreciated.
I have to reject one of your premises. You keep discussing a polyamorous relationship as if that is somehow antithetical to a committed relationship or the opposite of a committed relationship or not a committed relationship. A polyamorous relationship. with this woman that you describe as your partner. That is a committed relationship.
It's just not a sexually or emotionally exclusive relationship. So it doesn't sound to me like you have commitment issues. It sounds to me like you and this woman whose dog you killed are in conflict about your preferred relationship model. You want an open relationship, you want a polyamorous relationship, and what she wanted at the start and you were unable to give her
was a monogamous relationship. And so she, even though she's the one with another partner and you've only had a couple of flings, I guess, a couple of pieces on the side here and there, even though she's exercised her right as the partner of someone in an open polyamorous relationship to have another partner, it's not what she wanted.
And now, now that you killed her dog, you use a lot of passive language, like the dog passed away, you killed her dog. now that you've killed her dog out of her mouth comes being with you feels like being with an abuser, which is, you know, you would never tell someone to stay with an abuser. If that's how she feels, she should obviously end this relationship.
But the next thing out of her mouth seems to be based on your accounting of the exchanges that you've had with her after you killed her dog seemed to be that you owe her the monogamous commitment that she wanted all along. Or wanted at the start because you killed her dog.
And I'm sorry, I don't want to say this about someone who's grieving the death of their dog at the hands or car of the person that they love. But that seems to me emotionally manipulative. That seems to me slightly opportunistic. Unless, you know, to be a little bit more generous, what she might be saying is right now while she's grieving,
the death of her dog that you killed, she needs to be your sole focus.
And if that's the conversation that she wants to have and you're leaving that out, I don't see why at this moment you couldn't come through with, particularly as you don't have another partner, centering this relationship for, I don't know, the next three months, six months, while you work through the pain and the guilt and the grief and the horror of the death of her dog. at your hand's car.
That seems to me, if that's the ask that she's made a reasonable ask, but if it's a gambit now, you know, if she settled for polyamory and it wasn't what she wanted and she's instrumentalizing the death of the dog or leveraging the death of the dog to get you to make the commitment you didn't want to make in the first place, well then obviously this relationship isn't going to work out.
But if what she wants at this moment is for you to temporarily focus all of your energies, emotional and sexual, on each other as you process the death of her dog, that's a reasonable ask. And you could maybe, and I think you owe her that.
But if what she's asking for is what you didn't want to give her in the first place, what you couldn't give her because it's not commitment you can't do, it's monogamy you can't do. What she's asking you for now is the monogamous commitment that you didn't want to make and conflated somehow with an inability to make a commitment at all.
Well, then obviously this relationship has tragically run its course and you're going to have to end it. We all have sleepless nights sometimes, and let's face it, if you are not having a little insomnia right now, you aren't paying attention. But at least I have, and you can have, the most comfortable place in the world to toss and turn, and that is my Helix Sleep Mattress.
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Hi Dan, two cis women calling from the Pacific Northwest. We are in a three-person relationship with each other and a man and are getting away for a cozy week on the BC coast together in a few weeks. We've been seeing each other in some fashion for over a year and just recently have decided to transition our various relationship constructs into a committed core relationship with each other.
We both have great sex with him individually and the group play is also fantastic. Further, we enjoy all combos of connection when the three of us play together. Our relationship has progressed, and all three of us are very excited about this new dynamic.
Our male partner is very open-minded in the bedroom and is a very generous sexual partner. He's usually in a dominant role, but he also enjoys watching and being directed. Outside of that space, his interests are craftsmanship, delicious food, and us, of course. What he really loves is to be surprised, and we've been able to deliver some fun surprises over the last year.
We want to surprise our sweetie during our week away, leveling up from secretly matching lingerie sets and introducing new toys. What would be a good surprise for him during that week? It's okay to get a little wild!
joining me to help tackle this question, because why not? Des Bishop is a touring comedian whose newest special, of all people, is out now on YouTube. Hey, Des, thank you for coming on the show. Oh, it's great to be here. Lovely to virtually meet you. I saw your special and wanted to have you on.
It's hilarious because despite your very heteronormative material, very heteronormative material that you do, you gave some really great sex advice, period sex advice for young men, straight men on handling rejection, advice on navigating casual hookups for guys with one ball. You are a straight dude, a tall, good-looking, straight white man. So...
You would know better than I how best to surprise a straight dude with a sex move.
What would your advice be? I thought this call was so funny because they're like, we want to move on. We want to move up from lingerie. And I'm like, well, first of all, you guys are in like a polyamorous relationship, two women, one man. So I feel like you guys have already powered up from the, from the lingerie. So when I heard this call, I was like, God, like, am I the right guy?
I mean, I feel like if you're already comfortable with polyamory, the surprise has to be like an extra person in the mix, in my opinion.
Or a fundamentalist Mormon compound kind of marriage. Like, how do you surprise the polyamorous straight dude with two girlfriends?
That was my thought. I was like, you know, beyond doing something like entirely inappropriate that might actually be the biggest turnoff of all time for him, I'm not really sure. I don't actually know how broad his sexual spectrum is. I mean, if he's very adventurous, maybe you want to you know, throw in another guy into the mix or something, even if he doesn't get involved.
Cause they, I, it was this the call where they said that, uh, he likes, he likes watching. Right. So I, I believe that they, they said in the call that he likes watching. I mean, maybe if they want to try to get something into the mix, that might be more exciting for him to watch, uh,
I get this question a lot and I kind of hate it where people are like, tell me a thing to do. Give me a sex assignment that'll blow my partner's mind. And my first thought is always shit in his mouth. I bet that would surprise him. He won't see that one coming. Tell him you wanted to rip you and then shit in his mouth. There's no surprise.
Like you can't just ask somebody else to assign something to you to do to your lover that will work for them. Like I, you know him better than me or Dez does. You can make a better safe guess about what he might like if it's not shitting in his mouth and bust that move. Like I can't actually help you here.
Yeah, I 100% agree with that. I was like racking my brain. I was joking with my wife about like, I mean, I'm not going to say them on the air, but I was making jokes about all these inappropriate things you could surprise him with. But yes, at the end of the day, what I would suggest is racking your brains about
Some fantasies he may have insinuated over the last amount of time you guys have been together and make a call. Maybe elevate one up from whatever his most adventurous thing you've ever heard him say. But don't go more than one up because you don't want to like ruin it. You know, you don't want him to be like disappointed.
You don't want to traumatize him. You don't want to pick off a fingernail in his butt or something.
That is good advice to like one up to go like one step further on themes that have already been incorporated into your erotic dynamic to like push things a little further rather than hit them with something from left field because you just never know what's going to work for someone or what's going to traumatize someone.
Yeah. But I will say as a straight man that adding one extra woman will probably always go down fine.
That's what he's watching. When they say he likes to watch, he means them. Yes. Like he's already winning here. Like how many cherries on this Sunday does this one guy get?
I know these women are really like, they're going too far with this guy. I don't know what sort of hold he has over them. I don't know what sort of mini cult is happening here.
Or maybe he's got a weak heart and they're in the will and they're trying to induce that heart attack by shitting in his mouth. By busting a move that he did not see coming. Yeah, people ask me this question all the time. Like, assign me a sex toy. And it's like, I'm sorry, I can't. do that, like a vibrator is like the basic first rung. But people are like, give me something crazy.
And I'm like, well, sex toys are subjective. Like a roll of duct tape for some people is a sex toy. For most people, it's a hostage situation if it's being applied to a human being and not a sexual situation. And so I can't just like... give people random sex act assignments or kink assignments or sex toy assignments. It's got to be what works for you, works for your partner.
And ladies, you know him better than Des or I do. What do you think will work for him? That's one level up like Des says.
I think that's great advice. The one thing I will say is whenever myself and my wife, we have people message in on our podcast, we always have follow-up questions. And You can Instagram me. I want to know what you decided to do and what the result was because it's really more the follow-on that I'm interested in because I can't really make a suggestion, but I want to know what the decision was.
I love it when listeners and readers of my column jump into the comment threads of my website and let us know how it played out. So ladies, let us know how this plays out. DM us pictures. Des and I will keep them private. I will share the comments. Doesn't, does only. But you know what?
I bet they want their comments shared with the world because this is one of those calls where people are, you know, maybe it's a genuine question. Like I said, I get this question a lot, but it's also like a kind of look at me question. Like, look at us. We're winning here. And you guys are. You are.
Good for them. Good for them. The comfortability is very impressive.
One thing that came up in your show that surprised me, because your whole intro, the beginning, your affect, like the straight white dude, tall straight white dude, you go after the straight ladies for their heightism, which is you being an ally to short guys because you're a tall guy. So thank you for your allyship on behalf of short guys everywhere. I'm also a tall guy.
You talk about a finger in the butt and like not a lot of straight kind of white dudes your age would feel comfortable admitting to any anal penetration in their comedy special. Why did you go there?
Well, you know, that's actually that bit is like it's sometimes comedians have these like bits that just like they pop up anywhere. Like so it just fits into so many different routines of mine. And I don't know where it came from originally, but I like butt play. I'm like open butt play guy. Love it.
Don't know who introduced me to it, but, you know, and I've, you know, some of my friends are into bup play. We talk about it. Some of them aren't, but the, the sort of like the joke about, well, it's a great joke because it touches on like a taboo, right? A lot of men are not comfortable talking about it.
Now, I have to say, one of the things that a lot of like Gen Z comics talk about is that like eating ass is like a recent phenomenon. So I always go back and I'm like, yo, bro, I was eating ass before the internet, motherfucker. You know, I would get my ass eaten before the internet.
internet don't this isn't just your thing but anyway they're more they're more open talking about it so i'd say the average younger guy is possibly more aware of like the the erogenous nature of uh of butt play but anyway as a routine it just works because you know it's a taboo people get surprised in another bit that i posted that's not in the special i once asked this guy um
Have you ever had a finger in your ass? And he said, no. And then his girlfriend went, liar. And the place erupted. The place erupted. And I love that because there is a sort of a secrecy around liking it in the butt. Because as you saw it, but the punchline is always men think the gay button is up there. And once it's pressed, that's it. There's no coming back.
So there's this great concern about it.
I'm not accusing you of joke theft. That is a joke I made in Savage Love, my column, like 30 years ago. That straight guys, at least then, I think straight guys are more evolved now and able to experience pleasure now in ways that straight guys, when I first started writing Savage Love, weren't.
They thought there was a switch that could be flipped in their butt and they could accidentally turn themselves gay if somebody put a finger in there and bumped into that switch, which is, of course... not how it works.
I'm really grateful to say that I get the question, is my boyfriend gay or am I gay from straight guys who discovered they like butt stuff or like their nipples played with a lot less than I used to get that question.
Oh, is that right? Well, that's good. Yeah, because I think the secret's out there, right? And, you know, I'm not 100% all in on the positivities of porn. You know, I think it's pros and cons. But I guess one of the positive things is that has also sort of, you know, gotten into porn where you see a lot more of butt play for, you know, for straight men to watch.
So, you know, I think that's a positive because it just it feels good. It's always hard to get your partner to get involved. That's the only thing. It's not just that men aren't comfortable. A lot of straight women also aren't comfortable. For some of them, it can be an ick. Why would you be into this? That's the other part of it.
You have to get two people that are comfortable doing different things.
And if he's comfortable enough with butt play and doesn't think it's going to accidentally make him gay because there's a button in his ass that's the gay button, then she might think it makes him gay because. Yeah, well, that's it. You know, and then send me a letter. Is my boyfriend gay? My boyfriend has to think that he's gay, right? Because a straight guy couldn't want that ever.
And it's not true. You say that you're a butt guy in the show. You say you're not a ball guy. And it's a hilarious bit.
bit and a hilarious story that you share and you know what we're not going to talk about it i'm going to tell people that if they want to hear you're not a ball guy story they need to go watch oh they're special on youtube now and it is worth it it is fucking hilarious um and a little maybe a little traumatizing what you're sharing there. Yeah. Yeah.
It's funny. It's, it's funny. The bits that resonate with people like that, that to me is such a throwaway bit, but of course for you and this you're living, you're, you're in this world and you go like, Oh, this is great. This is like open, interesting stuff. Yeah.
That's Bishop's new special of all people out now for free on YouTube. He co-hosts the podcast burner phone with his wife, Hannah burner, who wants a kid, which I guessing comes up a lot on the show you host with your wife.
Well, actually, yeah, it doesn't come up as much as you would think. That's just really a bit because she wants a kid too, but she's so busy right now. She's happy to delay. So right now we're both in our happy place of similar desires.
Well, great. Thank you, Des, so much. I really loved your special. You're hysterical. And don't be self-conscious about it being very heteronormative. We want comedy clubs to be safe spaces for heterosexual people too. Thanks. Thanks so much. And thanks for having me. More of my conversation with comedian Des Bishop is on the Magnum.
Become a Magnum subscriber right now and hear it all at savage.love.
Hi, Dan. I'm calling from the Pacific Northwest. I am a 53-year-old bi woman in a relationship for 10 years with another bi woman. And the problem that I'm having is that... Her hygiene has gone way down. I'm not quite sure what to do. I've tried to make gentle suggestions like, why don't we shower before we get into bed? We do live together. Or just making light inquiries.
I know that she has really severe ADHD. And I'm also sometimes not sure if she's picking up on the clues that I'm putting down. And I don't want to or maybe feel comfortable being very direct about her hygiene. I just don't want to be mean about it in any way because she's so lovely and sweet. And I just love her. But I'm having trouble understanding.
having a sexual connection with her because she just has smells coming out of the maybe tush area and also isn't brushing her teeth as much as I think she should be. I need help. I really don't want to end our relationship over something like this and I'm agonizing over it.
So you're literally contemplating breaking up with your girlfriend of 10 years and to avoid hurting her feelings by being direct about the fact that her personal hygiene habits are slipping for some reason. Do you see how crazy that sounds? Don't you think if you were her, it would hurt more for the woman that you've lived with for 10 years, who loves you, who thinks you're lovely?
To break up with you? To leave you? To avoid having an awkward, honest conversation that might have hurt your feelings? Look, you've tried gentle suggestions. You've tried light inquiries. You've tried playing clue. Professor Plum in the conservatory with the tooth floss. You gotta stop. You gotta be direct. This is why...
As people age, people in long-term relationships, people in marriages tend to live longer and remain healthier over time than single people because there is someone there to say, hey, stop complaining about X and go to the fucking doctor already.
There's also someone there when it comes to personal hygiene practices to say, hey, I have noticed you have stopped flossing, stopped brushing your teeth regularly, and this doesn't just impact you. And if you were single, it wouldn't matter, but like your breath stinks and you got to go floss and brush your teeth. We will go do that together.
And stop with the gentle suggestions about maybe we could possibly think about one day before we get into bed, taking a shower together, perhaps. Doesn't that sound like fun? And say to her. You stink. I've said that to my husband and he hasn't left me. And my husband has said the same thing to me.
Sometimes we can't smell ourselves and we need someone to look at us and say, oh my God, you need to go brush your teeth. And that person isn't going to be a coworker. It's not going to be your employer. Ideally, it's not going to be a neighbor. It's not going to be hopefully somebody on the bus. It's not going to be. a telegram from the president on your 100th birthday, it's got to be who?
It's got to be you. It's got to be the significant other. It's got to be the person that you love and live with and rely on to look out for you and to look out for what's best for you, which includes flossing and brushing your teeth. Your teeth all don't rot and fall the fuck out of your head, which includes saying things like,
Hey, you need to go take a shower because I really want to be close to you. And this is getting in the way. Your butt stinks sometimes. All our butts stink sometimes. I'm sure my butt stinks sometimes. You can soften the blow by saying this. I'm sure sometimes I stink. And you know what? If I stink, you can tell me. I want you to tell me.
If I stink and I didn't realize it and I need to go jump in the shower, but I am right now telling you that, and I'm going to keep telling you that. So fuck gentle suggestions, fuck light inquiries, fuck playing clue. Start laying it down. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment thread at savage.love.
Says PB5KJ, to the woman whose husband wants to explore jerking off with guys and maybe an MMF threesome, she should read former Lovecast guest Jane Ward's book, Not Gay, Sex Between Straight White Men. It's a fascinating eye-opening look at men's interests in and need for sexual contact with other men, no matter how they identify.
By Danfan weighed in on whether sending a plus one on a wedding invitation to somebody you know to be polyamorous is polyphobic. Speaking as a poly person says by Danfan, if you are in a triad and everyone in the triad knows the couple, then the triad is the equivalent of a couple for the sake of a wedding invitation. But most polyamorous relationships are not triads.
If I have more than one partner and receive an invitation with a plus one, I would pick the one who knows the couple best. Every additional person costs the couple, inviting you to their wedding, money is what a lot of people seem to forget.
And finally, says Crin Reads, to the caller whose queer son objects to his mother reading MM romance novels, as someone who is an avid reader of queer romance by all different types of authors, there is definitely a subset of straight female authors who are writing fetishizing or objectifying MM romance novels.
And they are doing it because there is a subset of straight female readers who are buying it. Okay, Crenn reads, point taken, but seems to me, even if every MM romance novel written by a straight woman for other straight women fetishizes or objectifies gay men, where's the harm?
It's not like these straight women are going to treat the gay men they date as objects because gay men aren't going to date them. And a woman who reads MM romance novels, probably less homophobic on average than a woman who doesn't.
So while I see how this might be cringe, and we all know how sensitive teenagers are to cringe behaviors, particularly coming from their parents, I don't see how it's a problem. All right, for more listener feedback and to try your hand at giving some advice yourself, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at savage.love.
where I respond to listener and reader comments and post a letter that isn't going to make it into Savage Love and you get to give the advice. And now, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and listeners get the last word.
Dan, on episode 937, the abusive boyfriend who wants the dog, I think you're totally right. It's about control. It's about winning. I think there's a middle ground here where she can get the dog and she can still let him think that he's won. offer to buy the dog. They both know that the dog is better off with her.
Offer a low price, $50, and then let him win by extorting, you know, $300 or $400, whatever she's willing to pay. And then he walks away thinking he's won. She gets the dog and never has to see him again.
Hi, Dan. Polyamorous person here with a response to the poly plus one discourse. I wanted to point out that these considerations aren't just applicable to high cost events like weddings. I work for a company that prides itself on being progressive and queer inclusive.
I'm completely out at work about being poly and everyone is super supportive, but I know of at least two coworkers who are poly but not out at work yet. We use online forms to RSVP for things like company picnics or holiday parties. Previously, the forum asked something like, are you bringing your spouse?
I have brought multiple partners to the company events before, but for those coworkers who aren't out, the RSVP questions might make them feel like their whole family is not necessarily welcome at these events. I emailed our admin folks and suggested trying to find some more inclusive language. Now the forum simply asks, how many adults are you bringing?
It costs the company almost nothing to accommodate multiple partners. We always have lots of leftover food and drinks. but it makes it clear that they respect me and my partners and my family system. If you're the person at your company who has the opportunity to make diverse families feel more welcome, it might be as simple as adding a couple of words to your RSVP form.
In my opinion, this discourse should be less about paying for one more steak dinner at your wedding or whether your guests will have a special person to talk to and much more about acknowledging that we don't all fit into the same mold and doing what we can to make people in our lives feel seen, cared for, and welcome.
Hey, Dan, Nancy, and the tech-savvy youth. Calling about the caller who said he had an anxious attachment style. I am a mental health professional, and a lot of people make the mistake thinking that attachment styles are fixed identities, like a personality style that they'll have for the rest of their life. That's just not true.
All of us are aiming to have a secure attachment style where we trust ourselves and we trust others. So if you have an anxious attachment style, you don't trust other people. And if you have an avoidant attachment style, you only trust yourself. So there's no excuse just to say, I have an anxious attachment style.
If this caller's person he's having sex with is making him feel mistrustful and anxious, this is not a time to lean into his attachment style, but to have a corrective experience, live with the ambivalence and the ambiguity that comes up with relationships, and try to be more secure.
And we're going to leave it right there. We've got three ways for you to get us your questions or comments for future shows. You can record and upload your question directly onto our website at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline like it's 1999 and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
Hump 2024 Part 2 screens in Baltimore this weekend at Creative Alliance before heading to screenings in New Orleans, Vancouver, and Palm Springs the following weekend if you need something. Take your mind off the news, the election. An evening of sexy, funny, kinky short films will do just that.
For tickets to a Hump screening near you or to get streaming passes and watch Hump in your very own home, go to humpfilmfest.com. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow Des Bishop on Instagram and threads at Des Bishop. His new comedy special of all people out now and available to watch for free on YouTube.
You can also hear him co-host the podcast Burner Phone with his wife, Hannah Burner. And a very special thanks and shout out to the popovers for the intro music, the theme music we play each week here on the Lovecast, as well as the outro music you're listening to right now under my voice. Tim, we still love you.
The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at-risk youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week with an installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for tuning in.
It's okay to get a little wild.