Workplace intrigue ahoy! A gay trans man who passes completely, is out to some of his co-workers but not all. Over drinks, one of his bosses told him he was bi, but not attracted to male genitals. So was this his way of acknowledging that the caller is trans, and flirting with him? Or was it cluelessly his way of saying he *wasn't* interested? Confusing! What should the caller do? A straight man loved giving his previous girlfriend multiple orgasms. But now that he's single and knows how good it can be, he feels pressure to give multiple orgasms every time, to all his lovers. Is this a new expectation for men? How can he have good sex without his self-critical brain ruining everything? On the Magnum, you may recall a few weeks ago, a woman asked about cross-dressing men. She wanted to understand the difference between cross-dressers, trans women and drag queens. Nancy Rose is a cross-dresser with a very masculine side when she's in man mode and a very feminine side when she's in "Nancy mode." In this conversation they explore the mushy Venn diagram of these queer identities. We know you're sick of hearing this question over and over, but if you are an adult baby diaper lover, and a recovering meth addict, and you've discovered that injecting meth into your penis shrinks your dick in a way you find affirming, how can you find a better, less addicting way to achieve a baby-like wiener? Ho hum. [email protected] 206-302-2064 This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep. Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows! Go to HelixSleep.com/Savage. With Helix, better sleep starts now. This episode is brought to you by Hims, providing affordable access to ED treatment, online. Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/Savage.
You're listening to the micro version of the Savage Lovecast at savage.love.
I would do some weird shit if I was a billionaire.
I wouldn't collect Faberge eggs or buy an island in Hawaii without thinking about why buying an island in Hawaii is such a fucked up thing to do to Hawaiians who still live on those islands. I wouldn't get in a tin can powered by a video game console and go down to see the Titanic. And I wouldn't spend hundreds of millions of dollars on a super yacht that can't float. I like to think...
Like everyone likes to think that if I was a billionaire, I would do nice shit, not weird shit or problematic shit. If I was a billionaire, I would help out my family and friends and strangers. I would probably keep doing this show because why the fuck not? Man needs an occupation, like Lady Bracknell said.
I would pour money into gun control and fund the shit out of any organization with an actual and plausible plan to do away with the electoral college. And I would plant a lot of trees or something. But yeah, I probably would do some weird shit too. Some fucked up shit.
Politically, I would fund a grassroots effort to purge Republican voters from the rolls in red states like Georgia, where right now MAGA Republican weirdos, not elected officials, are purging voters in Democratic districts. I think purging voters from voting rolls is a terrible thing, a bad thing, a terrible idea. Like, gerrymandering is a terrible thing and a terrible idea.
But you gotta bring a knife to a knife fight. You don't unilaterally disarm. You say, hey, this is a terrible thing when you do it to us or when we do it to you, so how about we stop doing it to each other? I would also probably do some self-indulgent shit.
I would buy the castle in the small village where my boyfriend grew up, which has a tower and a great hall and a chapel and a dungeon and everything. And an island. I would probably buy an island, but in Greece. Here's the thing, though. I don't think anybody should be a billionaire, not even me. The existence of a fortune like that. is evidence of a crime having been committed.
In the same way, finding a body with its head cut off is evidence that a crime has been committed. You may not have seen the murder, you may not have the murder weapon, but that decapitated body all by itself? Evidence a crime has been committed. Probably more than one. In the case of the decapitated body, there's been a murder. People can't decapitate themselves. Someone cut that dude's head off.
In the case of the billionaire? For so much wealth to flow to one person at the top, politicians were bought and sold, regulations were undone or went unenforced, wages were stolen. Interestingly, a billionaire did get arrested this weekend. Pavel Durov, a Russian national, founder of Telegram, the end-to-end encrypted message sharing app.
I'm not going to get into the particulars of the alleged crimes for which the French detained Pavel Durov. I just want to talk about the weird billionaire thing that he's done. Fathering children, a lot of them. Not fathering them in the sense that he helps with homework or shows up at school plays, just fathering in the sense that he had an orgasm.
He donates sperm, buckets of it, gallons of it, oceans of it. He's reportedly got more than 100 biological children rattling around him. Treating your dick like a Pez dispenser filled with DNA is a lot of things, but it's not fatherhood. But like a lot of weird-ass billionaires, he believes his genetic material is superior to non-billionaire genetic material, and he is a natalist.
People who believe that... Men like him, rich men, white men need to have a lot more kids. And if women don't want to have kids with those men, then we need to figure out how to return to a culture of coercing women to have kids with men they don't want to have kids with.
Here's hoping Durov's superior genetic material comes with a trust fund for each and every one of his kids to pay for the cosmetic surgeries they're going to need later in life if they want to look like dad when they grow up. Or look like dad does now. Because Durov's had some work done. Good work. Quality work. He can obviously afford the best. He looks great.
In all honesty, I would let him inseminate me. But his actual genetic material isn't coded for... the hairline, cheekbones, or jawline he has now. Nice tits, though, for a billionaire. They're all over Instagram. If you want to check out Durov's tits, go to at Durov on Instagram and threads.
All of this weirdly brings me to Roseanne Barr, the disgraced comedian, terrible human being, Trump-supporting racist nut. I don't think she's well. But a long time ago, she said something I kind of agreed with. Two things, actually, she said that I agreed with. She wants someone out there to invent chocolate air. I would like that, too.
And back when she was running for president in 2012, she originally ran for the Green Party nomination, which she lost to eternal grifter Jill Stein. So Barr ran on the Peace and Freedom Party ticket and got 70,000 votes in 2012. That was before she entirely lost her mind, before she threw in with alleged billionaire criminal Donald Trump. To be clear, he is a criminal. That's not alleged.
Convicted felon, sexual abuser. Only an alleged, by himself, criminal. Billionaire. Back when Barr was running for president, she had this to say about billionaires.
I first would allow the guilty bankers the ability to pay back anything over $100 million personal wealth because I believe in a maximum wage of $100 million. And if they're unable to live on that amount, then they should go to the re-education camps. And if that doesn't help, then be beheaded.
a maximum wage, if you have billions of dollars, you should have to give back most of the money you stole. You should be able to live on a measly $100 million. You would still be obscenely wealthy. You would still have more money than any one person could spend in a lifetime.
Your family would still benefit from the affirmative action of generational wealth, as Michelle Obama described it when talking about Donald Trump at the Democratic National Convention. Michelle Obama, man, she is done going high. But I agree with Barr. $100 million should be the best you can possibly do.
And if you get to that or clear it, you might as well start paying your workers a living wage and stop giving more money than you would pay in taxes to Republican candidates who promise to cut your taxes and just pay your fucking taxes instead. Of course, this is how I feel right now. Check in with me again when Powerball is at two billion and I have a couple of lottery tickets in my pocket.
All right, before we get to today's show, a quick business announcement for us here at Savage Love Inc. We are gearing up for Hump's 20th anniversary season in 2025, so we are reaching out to filmmakers, kinky people, sex havers, people who just wanna have fun, to invite you to share your sexy, funny, and kinky short films with us. Hump films, always five minute or less.
Each Hump film, five minute or less. They capture a diverse spectrum of experiences and expressions all again within that exhilarating time limit of five minutes or less. Some new things coming to Hump in 2025. Cash prizes. We're thrilled to announce the return of audience cash awards to filmmakers. $10,000 in cash prizes awarded to filmmakers today. audience vote.
And starting in 2025, we're adding a new category for audiences to vote on in the Hump Awards. In addition to best sex, best kink, best humor, we've added most creative, most artistic to the ballot. And we will have two lineups next year, just like we did this year. We will have two hump seasons, a spring and fall hump seasons to bring people more and more
of that hump goodness that they love so much. And as always, there is no cost to submit your film to hump. We don't charge a fee to filmmakers to enter hump and every filmmaker whose film makes it into the festival gets a cut of every ticket sold. Go to humpfilmfest.com slash submit to find out all you need to know about getting your dirty little masterpiece into our dirty little film festival.
And we will see you in the theaters on the big screen in 2025. All right, coming up on today's show, tons of your Qs, lots of my As, and joining me for the magnum, Nancy.
Not our girl Nancy, not Savage Lovecast producer Nancy Hartunian, but Nancy, the straight male cross-dresser who heard us ask if there were any straight male cross-dressers out there in our audience who would want to come on the show and talk about... Cross-dressing, which you hear a lot less about these days than you used to.
Tons of your great sex questions and a whole bonus Nancy coming up for you today on the Savage Lovecast. Let's get to that first question right now. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the makers of my mattress and your next mattress. Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage.
This is their best offer yet. It won't last long. Go get your new mattress. With Helix, better sleep starts now. This episode is sponsored by HIMSS. Affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at himss.com slash savage.
Hi, Dan. I'm a gay trans guy and I pass completely. Like at work, if I come out to somebody, they usually are like shocked and excited and intrigued by the novelty of the situation. At my workplace, I'm directly out to what I would consider about like a fifth, like 20% of the staff, including a couple of managers.
I've been assuming that like word would just get around and like hoping that just like everyone catches the vibe. So flash forward, I'm at a bar alone and... one of the higher-up coworkers came and got a drink with me. At that drink, he came out to me as bisexual, and he specifically said to me in, like, a jovial tone, I'm gay till the dick comes out.
I responded to that in the moment, like, a little shocked, but, like, was just like, well, lots of guys don't have dicks. you know, so you're in luck. But I didn't specifically say I don't. And the tone of the whole conversation was friendly, like on the verge of flirty, but nothing like inappropriate beyond like a workplace flirt energy.
I'm trying to figure out if he said that to show interest in me or not, because there's like two ways this could go. One is he's trying to express his genital preference and that he's down. And that's like kind of I'm not mad at that if he knows I'm trans, you know? And then there's also the timeline where he doesn't know I'm trans and it was his way of making sure I didn't like get my hopes up.
I don't know. So now I want to kind of tell him I'm trans after him having made this comment. And I should have just said something in the moment maybe, but I'm like trying to figure out a smooth way to like drop that information. Any thoughts?
So the problem here isn't that you're out at a bar having drinks with a higher up at the place where you work and that the conversation is getting flirty and explicit. That is not the problem that you asked me to address. It is a problem that a lot of people out there listening are probably flagging right now.
What kind of a workplace is this if the higher ups are going out with the underlings and talking about... their sexual orientations and their genital preferences and getting tipsy and flirty with employees. You didn't ask me to address that. I sometimes think people put too much emphasis on that as a problem. A lot of people do meet people that they wind up fucking at work.
And so long as someone isn't exploiting their power over you and they're consciously exploiting leaning out of their power over you. And if your workplace has a go to your higher, higher ups and disclose any romantic connection policy, you're doing that. I don't have a problem with people fucking people that they met at work.
We live in a world where there are a lot of people who aren't fucking at all anymore right now because the dating apps are a fucking nightmare and don't work for them. And people are bowling alone to use that horrible phrase and not going out and not getting laid. Um, And I feel like as problematic as workplace romances and bromances can be, I don't want to close that down.
I don't want to make that so taboo. No one ever... Fuck somebody that isn't a lateral fuck on the power chart that they met through work. Anyway, what do you do? Well, my feeling, if you're out to 20%, you estimate, of your coworkers about being trans and out to a few of your managers about being trans... And you didn't swear them to secrecy when you came out to them as trans.
And they aren't the kind of hand-wringing allies who are hyper-conscious of it not being their news to share. Coming out to a fifth of people in your graduating class, coming out to a fifth of people at work, coming out to a fifth of your family typically means, in pretty short order, that...
the other 80% of your coworkers, classmates, family, whatever it is, find out because word does indeed spread. So my money's on this guy was flirting with you may know you're trans likely knows you're trans. And this was going where you thought it was going. I'm gay until the dick comes out. There's more than one way to interpret that.
I'm gay until my dick comes out and then I kind of lose it when I'm with a dude, trans or cis, or I'm gay so long as I'm getting blown by a guy who is keeping, if he has a dick, his dick in his pants or bending over for me, but doesn't expect me to bend over for him. I don't want to touch a dick. That's not gay that would pass the gay muster in my gay house, but I guess that's gay for him.
You say he identifies as bi, he's one of those guys who's using gay to mean any male-male sex that he engages in colloquially in a way that I think he's entitled to as a bi guy, but if a gay guy used gay to mean that, to use gay in that way in reference to the sex a bi guy might be having, it could be dot, dot, dot. Problematic. All right. So what do you do?
Well, you went out, you had flirty drinks. The conversation went to what some may feel are inappropriate places and ended on a note of erotic tension and ambiguity. How do you resolve that erotic tension? How do you clarify what's ambiguous now? Well, you go out for drinks again and you keep talking to this dude if you are interested in this dude. But at some point you're going to have to
Pull one of my signature moves, which is just looking at somebody and being really blunt. Hey, last time we had drinks, you said you're gay until the dick comes out. And I said, well, you're in luck because there's a lot of guys out there without dicks these days. I'm one of those guys. I'm a trans man and I haven't had bottom surgery. I don't intend to get bottom surgery. So...
You could be gay for me without any dick other than yours ever coming out and just hit on the motherfucker already if it feels right. And it might be better with the workflow charts and the power structure and him being above you, him being a higher up if you were the one who made the first explicit move. He may feel less...
at risk or less vulnerable to a charge of sexual harassment in the workplace if he, as the overling, didn't make the first move on you, the underling. But he certainly, I think by having this conversation with you and where this conversation went, opened the door to you making that first move.
Hi, Dan. I'm a straight male in my 40s. I heard a while back a woman calling to your show talking about the best sex she had ever had. And her description of that was that she had loss of orgasms. And it got me thinking, what was the best sex that I ever had? And I came to the same answer. It was when she had lots of orgasms. And that got me thinking.
Today, I'm recently divorced after a long sexless marriage. And I'm in my 40s. I'm thinking about, you know, maybe meeting a woman again. But I'm very hesitant about...
about having sex again because you know it's really such a to such a big part it's a performance i have to do well if i don't do well i ruin it for everybody because good sex the the you know the measurement we have for that is that the woman has lots of orgasms or the measurement that i have for it at least and i find it kind of weird because That means that it's not about enjoyment.
I'm not there to enjoy it. I'm there to perform and do well. Which is a bit strange, isn't it? Is it like that for women too? So it makes me kind of not wanting to have sex. I mean, why bother? The risks are so high. of me ruining it. And it kind of seems a bit unfair, to be honest. Dan, help me get my head around this. Am I just being a big baby? All right, let's get this out of the way first.
Not all women can have multiple orgasms. Not all women who can have multiple orgasms report having had multiple orgasms at their last or during their last sexual experience, their most recent sexual experience. Only 15-ish percent, according to the study I'm looking at right now, of women who can have multiple orgasms had multiples during the last sexual experience they enjoyed multiple
when they did have an orgasm, when they climaxed, but just climaxed once during their last sexual experience. So just knowing that for some women, not all women, for some women, multiple orgasms during a sexual encounter is... they regard personally and subjectively as the best sex or a peak sexual experience.
You're extrapolating from hearing about that from one woman who experiences multiple orgasms in that way and projecting it onto all women everywhere and assuming that all women everywhere feel exactly the same way that they want to come and they don't want to come just once. And if they don't come a million times during a single sexual encounter, it wasn't,
best sex they ever had that's a really weird standard you don't have the best sex you ever had every single time you have sex you want good sex you want rewarding sex, intimate sex, connected sex every time.
But sometimes you do have maintenance sex or just calm and chill sex where you're connecting with your partner, but it's not swinging from the chandeliers by your ankles and your eyes are crossed afterwards. And you don't want it to be that every single time because that's physically and emotionally taxing in ways that can work as a disincentive to
have regular, maintainable, sustainable sexual intimacy in the context of a committed, ongoing relationship. If you put yourself under this pressure, every time you have sex, it has to be fireworks and best sex ever again. How can you do that? How can you sustain that in a relationship? If each time you have sex progressively...
The next time you have sex, you have to outdo the previous time you had sex. Some sort of like mad orgasmic arms race that you are not going to win. Look, you set up a kind of false choice for yourself that you're not there to enjoy sex. You are there to perform and do well as if it isn't possible for a person to walk and chew that gum.
At the same time, you can be there to enjoy the sex that you're having and to take your pleasure from someone. A lot of people really enjoy, really get off on the sense that you're They're not just receiving pleasure from this person, but this person that they're with is taking their pleasure from them in a way that's consensual, in a way that is mutually pleasurable.
But this person is drawing from you at the same time that they are pushing into you or providing for you. That's the straddle. That's the sweet spot. But you need to calm the fuck down. There are women out there who really enjoy sex. There are women out there who are orgasmic. There are women out there who can have multiple orgasms.
You know what really makes it hard for anybody who can come to come? Feeling pressured to come, feeling like the person you're with regards your pleasure not as something that they're helping to create for you, but as a referendum.
that's being held on their skill as a lover, and then you can, because you don't want to disappoint them, wind up feeling like you have to, even if you are a woman who has orgasms and can have multiple orgasms, I've talked to women who are capable of multiple orgasms, who are with men, male partners, who knew it, and then they wound up in a situation where they were faking multiple orgasms for that guy because they didn't want to
crush him by not because the time they were getting together, it wasn't going to happen for them that time, but they're still enjoying the sex. So calm the fuck down about women who have multiple orgasms. Not all women can and not all women who do can or want to each time they have sex. There are other reasons people have sex. You're not just there.
to collect orgasms like Pokemon monsters, cards or whatever the fuck, however you collect those things. That's not what you're necessarily there for. Yes, men, particularly straight men, need to be encouraged to be solicitous of their partner's pleasure. The orgasm gap is real and huge. Doesn't exist in lesbian relationships, exists in opposite sex relationships.
And so, yeah, I want straight men to be solicitous. I want straight men to be making inquiries during sex about what they can do and whether you want to get off and how and asking for direction. But also if what she wants at that moment is for it not to be focused on her pleasure or her having to get off in that moment to make you feel good about yourself.
But what she might want in that moment is to feel like you are – enjoying it and enjoying her and taking your pleasure which you are allowed to do which you are supposed to do which your sex partners if they're there for all the right reasons want you to do and then you can also walk and fucking chew gum perform for them if that's what they want but you got to listen to them about what they want
You may wind up in bed sometimes. I've had sex with guys. It's easy for guys. We always know when we've come. And guys are pretty much experts on getting there. But I've had sex with guys where it was great. It was awesome. One of us came and the other one was like, you know what? I don't need to come right now.
And you just cuddle, then you smile and relax and tell them you'll get them next time, or they can get you next time and roll with it and always be focused on what's really important, which is the connection and the pleasure, not the collection of orgasms.
this episode is brought to you by helix sleep the makers of the mattress in our bedroom in our guest room and my boyfriend's bedroom too the helix mattress perfect for poly people perfect for monogamous people too the helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses including the award-winning luxe collection that's ours that's the mattress we have the newly released helix elite collection
a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers and even mattresses made just for kids to figure out which mattress is right for you take the helix sleep quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes and then your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge but you will get with your mattress a 100 night sleep trial you can try out your new mattress see how your body adjusts and if you decide it's not the best fit you are welcome to return it for a full refund
Helix offers models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side, like me, or models with more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions, plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. Helix mattresses all come with a 10 or 15 year warranty, depending on the model.
Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. We've emailed Helix to let them know that two pillows, a little mononormative. Sometimes there's three people in a relationship. They're going to get back to us on that. We'll let you know what they say.
Go to helixsleep.com slash savage right now for 25% off your mattress and those two free but problematic pillows, two. It's their best offer yet. Won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now.
Dear Dan, I am a cis bi woman with a problem. The trainer at my gym is so hot, just too hot. I can't handle it. She is really nice and really funny and just so hot. I can't even go to her workout class anymore. I don't know what to do. She's my favorite trainer at the gym. I don't really like anyone else there, but she is just so hot. I can't fucking handle it. P.S.
I'm married and I'm not out to my husband.
Gonna have a little intervention here first. Why aren't you out to your husband about being bisexual? Bisexuals often have, tend to have, worse mental health outcomes, physical health outcomes than monosexuals, than gays, lesbians, and straight people.
And the thing that correlates most strongly with poor mental health outcomes is the pressures and strain of the closet, of being married to someone who doesn't know you're bi and feeling like you have to hide from that person. All your life.
I wrote an article once a million years ago when I had been accused of being biphobic and I don't think anyone who actually listens to me talk about this shit on this show would think I'm biphobic. But I opened this piece with I'm not biphobic. In fact, I love bisexual people so much I wish there were more of them.
And the whole piece is me going on and on and on for 2,000 words in June of 2011 imploring bisexual people who had disappeared into opposite sex relationships and allowed themselves to be perceived as heterosexual by not being out, by not asserting themselves as bi. I wanted them to come out.
And I pointed out that if all these bisexual people with opposite sex partners came out, they would represent the vast majority of the LGBTQ community. And that has come to pass in the last decade and a half. And I'm really happy about that. Now, when you look at breakdowns, you see those stories about 20%, 25% of Gen Z and millennials identifying as LGBT, and then you look in the numbers,
over time, and the numbers for gays and lesbians, pretty constant. Trans people, pretty constant. What's skyrocketed is the number of out bi people. And that's wonderful. Why aren't you one of them? Why does your husband not know that you're bi? Are you not safe coming out to your husband as bisexual?
In which case, yeah, that's one of the problems that contributes to poor mental health outcomes among bisexuals is when they're married to bigots, which is a mistake. Maybe you married your husband before you were fully consciously aware of your bisexuality, before you encountered this hot trainer at the gym that's really called the question. And I don't want to fault you for that.
Sometimes people are still, actually all times, I think all people are always figuring out who they are. And sometimes we marry, scramble our DNA together, have kids with someone and we don't quite know who we are or didn't know who we are, or we continued to evolve and became different people.
And then you find yourself sort of marooned where the most important person in your life is really invested in this idea of who you thought you were. You weren't lying, you weren't actively being deceitful, but who you thought you were when you married them and unwinding their investment in who they thought you were is perilous because the stakes are high.
What if your husband is an anti-buy bigot and leaves you? On the other hand, wouldn't you rather be out to your husband? On the other hand, if being out to your husband means you can get his permission to go fuck the hot trainer, it seems like the rewards might be worth the risks.
Even if you don't get permission from your husband to go fuck the hot trainer, at least now you don't have to hide from your husband anymore. All right, so I want you to be one of those bisexuals who came out because I importuned you to, and I think you'll be happier once you're out.
It is better to be loved for who you are than to walk around wondering if the people who professed to love you would love you if they knew who you were. So setting aside that there'll be more hot trainers, more hot women in the future that you will encounter who will drive you crazy, make you so fucking horny. That's going to be a constant pleasure that you will face over the course of your life.
The thing I think you really need to address here is the toss up at the end that you're not out to your husband about being bi. Go tell your husband you're bi right now. And then call me back and let me know how it went. Sick of the one-size-fits-all method, especially when it comes to your erectile dysfunction treatment? Well, good news. Now you've got options with HIMS.
With HIMS, you can get treated for ED without stepping foot outside your door. Hymns is changing men's health care by providing access to affordable sexual health treatments from the comfort of your couch. Hymns provides access to doctor-trusted ED treatment options such as chewable hard mints, brand-name treatments like Viagra, or generic alternatives for up to 95% cheaper.
The process is simple and 100% online. No uncomfortable visits to the doctor's office. Answer a series of questions on their site, and a medical provider will determine the right treatment option for you. If prescribed, your medication ships to you for free. No insurance is needed. If ED is getting you down, it's time you join the hundreds of thousands of trusted HIMSS subscribers and get treated.
Start your free online visit today at HIMSS.com slash savage. That's H-I-M-S dot com slash savage for your personalized ED treatment options. HIMSS.com slash savage. Hardments are chewable compounded products which are not approved by or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if appropriate.
Restrictions apply. See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plan.
Hi, Dan. I am a 23-year-old gay Native American man, and I'm currently living in a situation with three other straight roommates. So I've been friends with one of my friends for quite a while since elementary school up until high school. And we are currently still living together. I would say our relationship is well bonded together. He's straight, of course, but I'm gay.
But like we never had like any interactions with that. Like I told him when I was in high school, he was fine with it. He's always been fine with it. But up until recently, some of the jokes that he's been making for me, per se, have not been perceived as jokes. So the most recent thing that happened was, so Saturday, I invited him to a baseball game.
He came, and he knew my uncle since, like, high school, like, very beginning of high school. He, like, knows him. He came to, like, all our games and that. But he keeps making jokes. Every time my uncle is around, he keeps making jokes about how he turned me gay. And he keeps making jokes about him being gay. But, you know, at first it was fine.
Everything didn't start happening until my uncle started hanging out with us a little bit more this year, like going to parties or like, you know, just going like out beers, just whatever, just like a few times this year. But every time he came around, he would make that comment.
And then he also made a comment saying that me not having a father and not having a father growing up makes me less of a man. And that him having a father made him the man he is today kind of makes me mad. So I've been kind of shut away for the past week and a half just avoiding him. But my question is, should I tell him how I felt during that situation or am I blowing it up?
Masculinity particularly the heterosexual variety masculinity, can really be a prison. What I hear when your friend says that not having a father growing up made you less of a man, whereas he had a father growing up and therefore he is more of a man, is that he's trapped in this performance of sexuality
this idea of masculinity of manhood that was imposed on him by his father or by the expectations that he feels his father has of him. And I think he looks at you and how free you are to be the man you are, the gay man that you are. And this shitty comment that he made is,
These shitty comments that he suddenly started making are an expression of jealousy and rage and perhaps an indication that he might be gay himself. And sometimes the worst homophobes, we used to say this all the time, and it would come true so regularly.
It was a cliche that like somebody who's a raging homophobe or a professional homophobe is often, as I like to say, externalizing that internal conflict, trying to control themselves and their own burning hunger for cock by condemning other people who are acting on their burning hunger for cock and trying to draw a clear, bright line between who they are and who you are because basically
deep down inside and sometimes not so deep down, but right on the surface, they know that they are hungry for cock too. They're just not free. They just can't give themselves permission to come the fuck out, to live openly, to shoulder the consequences of coming the fuck out and living openly.
And seeing someone like you, having someone like you in their life as an intimate, as a friend, can really make a person feel shitty about themselves. And it can make a shitty closeted person who feels shitty about himself want to say and do shitty things to punish the gay person in their life who's out, who's...
freedom makes them feel shitty about their cowardice by saying shitty disparaging things. I have lived long enough to see this tape unspool dozens of times where 16, 18, 20, 22, 24, people I went to college with, really performatively homophobic, sneering, saying shitty, diggy little things, and then they come out. Happens over and over again. Not in all cases.
I'm not saying everybody who's ever said a shitty homophobic thing is secretly hungry for cock, but it happens regularly enough. And based on your description of how it's been happening with this guy...
My spidey senses tell me that this guy has a very awkward, clumsy coming out in his future where he is going to have to come to you and apologize to you for the shitty things he said to you when he was struggling with the decision about what he's going to do with the rest of his life. Whether he's going to keep trying to nail that closet door shut and stay put or he was going to come the fuck out.
All right. Setting that theory aside, maybe he's not gay. Maybe he's just an asshole. You don't have to have assholes in your life. Even if he's closeted and kind of pathetic and this is sad, you don't have to have him in your life while he's being an asshole. You should say to this guy, I thought we were good, but lately you've been saying these shitty, easily disproved things.
Yeah, I don't have a dad. I didn't have a father in my life growing up. It doesn't make me any less of a man and it's not why I'm Gay. There's plenty of gay guys out there who were raised by their dads and are gay still. And my uncle didn't turn me gay because people don't turn people gay. And what a shitty cliche thing to say. That is not how homosexuality happens. And I think you know it.
And I don't understand why you're pretending not to know it. And saying something like that at the end, I think you know it. I don't understand what's up with you right now and why you're acting this way and pretending not to know it. Throws it back at him. And what you're saying to him is like, I see you. I see what you're doing here. And I have an idea as to why you're doing this.
And when he's ready to come the fuck out as gay, if that's what's going on. And or apologize to you for being so shitty lately and explain to you why suddenly. Is he being radicalized? Is he watching Andrew Tate videos? What? When he's ready to apologize, maybe he can be back in your life.
But right now, one of the great things about being out and gay and an adult is you don't have to put up with the homophobes in homeroom or in your own immediate family. You get to decide who you spend time with and who you're around. Realize he's your roommate, so you can't avoid him 100% of the time, but you can cut a wide berth. And if living with him is immiserating, move.
Or talk to your other roommates if your other roommates are on your side and are offended by this too. And get together with your other roommates and tell this guy he has to move. Bigotry can have consequences at times for the bigots too.
Hi, Dan. So I have a friend who's an adult gay man. And when I met him, he was in recovery for meth addiction. But he's since relapsed. And since that happened, he's opened up to me about the reason he uses meth. So he's very deep into diaper play and adult baby kink. And he... has discovered that injecting meth directly into his penis will make his penis shrink, and he finds it very affirming.
But we were talking and we were interested in trying to find some harm reduction methods he can use. Maybe there's other ways to create penis shrinkage that aren't an addictive substance. He says he's not even that interested in the high when he's clean. He just misses being able to shrink his penis. So any help you could offer would be fantastic.
I got nothing. I don't have some alt suggestion for injecting meth into your dick to shrink your dick. The harm reduction intervention I would recommend to your friend here is to stop injecting meth into your dick. His penis. And if he wants to feel like he has a really small dick, there are tiny little dick cages out there that compress the erectile tissues almost all the way back into the body.
Something you can do. You're soft. You can grip the head and you can push down and basically squash all the erectile tissues. It's not good for them. If you do it and immediately let go of your dick, you're not going to have done yourself any harm, but there are people who lock devices under their dicks that keep them in that position.
And the risk is damage to the erectile tissues if you're wearing this kind of chastity device and your dick begins to have a spontaneous erection and you become aroused and all that erectile tissue is filling with blood, but it is crushed and collapsed and doesn't have anywhere to safely – and you can damage those tissues.
So your friend could do that if he doesn't care about damaging those tissues, if he really is the sworn enemy of his dick that he seems to be. Also, I guess if he could find a... There are gender-confirming surgeons out there who perform nullifications on people who want to be eunuchs or to have Ken doll crotches.
There are surgeries for Peyronie's disease that can help people with Peyronie's disease, which is a buildup of plaque in the erectile tissue, can cause a bend in the penis, sometimes they're painful, and that can be corrected for, but the downside of the surgical interventions for Peyronie's is that they tend to, by taking out on one side or the other or both, some of the plaque, they tend to make the dick a little shorter.
And if there are people out there who would literally perform nullification surgeries electively on people because they long to be eunuchs or long to have Ken doll crotches, maybe there's one or two out there who would do that for your friend and shorten his dick permanently and he won't need to take the risks, including risks of infection and gangrene.
Like one of the things on the table here is no dick at all, if he's not careful, off the table. Sorry, you can hear my voice, your friend's predicament, making me a little uncomfortable. And again, the harm reduction strategy I would urge is for him to stop harming himself like this with that dangerous drug in this dangerous way.
And if he wants to fantasize about having a much smaller dick or shrink his dick, you can explore that through role play and these now very aggressive strategies. chastity devices and cages, which some people will say when you read about them, that if they wear them consistently and over long periods of time, does make their dicks smaller.
Don't know if that's true because people who are wearing these cages fantasize about their dicks being made smaller. Maybe it's just wishful thinking or less dickful thinking, but your friend could give it a try and give meth a rest. All right, time for the listener feedback section of the show.
First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment thread at savage.love. Says Incontempo, the lady with the suction toys who was wondering about asking her new sex partners to use the suction toys that worked for her. In her last relationship, her marriage, girl, just bring it up.
One of the first times I had sex with my boyfriend, I asked if he could bring me off with my trusted vibrator. And he was like, sure. Seven years and two vibrators later, we still bring the toys in when we want some guaranteed fun for both of us. He has never been insecure about it. The guys who are insecure about it can hit the bricks as far as I'm concerned.
Says Mickey PG, this is a comment for the woman who dated the bi guy who realized he couldn't be with a woman long term. I would advise you to stay friends with him. He likes you as a person, and maybe he knows some nice hot bi guys he can set you up with. I briefly dated a woman who realized she wasn't really into men. We became good friends instead.
She wound up setting me up with a wonderful friend of hers. Her friend and I now married and have a child. The same could happen for you. Good luck." And finally, says Laura, I don't know. The idea that a man who mostly has had sex with men would be better at having sex with women for that reason sounds absurd to me.
Unless you believe straight guys just don't care about their partner's pleasure and don't learn from experience, which has not been my experience at all. Laura, I'm really glad that your experience with straight guys has been so positive. There are good straight guys out there. I like to think the good straight guys out there are listening to my show.
But the orgasm gap exists for a reason because not all straight guys are invested in their partner's pleasure or willing to learn from experience. And it makes sense to me. The idea that a guy who's been mostly with men might be willing to do whatever it takes to get his partner off whoever his partner might be.
Makes sense to me because if you're having sex with dudes a lot, it's not over until you both get off. There wouldn't be an orgasm gap if men who had sex only with women felt the same way. All right, for more listener feedback, keep listening as listener response calls are coming right up. Doing something different with struggle session lately.
Struggle session is where I usually respond to listener and reader comments. But for the rest of the summer, I am running letters and inviting readers to weigh in on letters that didn't make it into the column. Check that out at savage.love on Thursdays.
And now, my favorite part of the show and everybody else's favorite part of the show, the part of the show where I shut my mouth and let my listeners have the last word.
Papa Bear here, calling in regards to episode 929, where a caller wondered if being polyamorous belonged in the LGBTQIA plus alphabet. understand why it feels like it should poly people often face discrimination and stigma from others who only subscribe to societal norms there are certainly parallels especially since this discrimination has an origin in how people are sexually wired
I had the same question several years ago about BDSM and whether or not it belonged in the rainbow alphabet or if I, a cis straight identified guy, belonged under the queer umbrella for being kinky, which is absolutely hardwired into my sexuality and always has been. I asked the question on FetLife and had a lot of pushback.
Many queer people argued that being straight and having straight kinky sex, just like having multiple partners in straight relationships, is still just that, straight, not bi, pan, or queer, etc., Though I understood what they were saying, I really struggled with his answer. BDSM just felt queer to me. What I wasn't realizing is my kink sexuality felt queer to me because I'm queer, not straight.
Expressing that in my kink was a safe way to first explore because I could pretend I was still straight since I only did things with other people with penises during kink scenes. It took time and a little therapy to realize that I didn't have to find excuses for why I was interested in kinky sex with cis or trans men, gender non-conforming or gender fluid folks, along with cis and trans women.
I was pansexual and struggling to unlearn the life-stunting expectations based in toxic masculinity that prevented me from being my full and authentic self. As I said before, being poly has a lot of parallels and should make us strong allies for each other, but being poly in itself doesn't make someone queer.
However, to anyone that struggles with this answer because their polysexuality feels queer, I suggest taking a good look inside and see if maybe those queer feelings are coming from somewhere else. Give yourself permission to get out of the box that society might have forced you into that no longer fit you, if they ever did. Thank you.
Hello, Dan. Calling you from Tasmania, Australia. I was really moved by your mug story, Dan. I also have a mug that's really important to me. And I'm glad that you found... some replacement mugs, you know, because I think I would probably do the same thing if I lost mine. But it did bring to mind a Zen story that I really like. I get a bit swept up in that Zen bullshit, but here we go.
You see this goblet? Asks the Thai meditation master. For me, this glass is already broken. I enjoy it. I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it.
But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, of course. When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious. But yeah, I'm glad you got a new mug.
Hi, Dan. It's the caller from episode 927 with the gardener. Yeah. Well, turns out he was interested and my marriage is now open. And though my husband decided he doesn't want to see it, he's getting more comfortable with hearing about it. So yeah, we're dating and having great time and seeing where we all end up. So thank you for giving me the inspiration and advice to go for this.
It just goes to show you don't ever get what you want if you don't ask for it.
And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to get us your juicy questions and insightful comments for future shows. You can record your question at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email your question or comment to q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline and leave us a message, old school, at 206-302-2064.
A note for listeners in Seattle. An award-winning documentary film I worked on, Jimmy in Saigon, is playing at CIFF this Thursday night at 7.30 p.m. The film was made by my ex-college boyfriend, Peter McDowell, about his brother who died in Vietnam when my ex was just five years old. It is a fascinating film. I will be there. Peter will be there.
And we will be having a Q&A together after the screening. For more info and tickets, go to Sith.net. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. And follow me at Blue Sky, also at Dan Savage. Follow Nancy, not our Nancy, Savage Lovecast producer, our guest, Nancy Crossdresser, on Twitter at NancyRoseTV. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by our Nancy, Nancy Hartunian.
and me and nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth we will all be back at you next week another installment of the savage love cast thank you for telling me