An apology is required! But who is in the wrong here? An NB person got so, so sick with the covids. They had already made out with their boyfriend, so he was exposed. When they asked him to come over, deliver some food and offer bit of comfort, the boyfriend only agreed to drop off food outside the door. Should he have come inside and been more supportive? Or was it too much to ask to have him risk exposure? On a much heavier note, a woman's dad was discovered to have a three year-long affair. Then he died days later. The caller's mom is grieving, angry and bereft, and the caller is cynical. Rejoice! Randy Rainbow is back. Our favorite parodic chanteuse is here to promote his new book "Low Hanging Fruit," and to dish with Dan about pregnancy fetishes, evangelistic nudists, and how very weird straight people are. A little is on the Micro, the whole salacious thing is on the Magnum. A man has been with his husband for 9 years. The caller is enjoying their newly open relationship, but his husband neither wants to cat around himself, nor approves of the caller's exploits. Can a slut and a demisexual make it work together? They've gotta try! [email protected] 206-302-2064 This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep. Right now, Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders! Go to HelixSleep.com/Savage. With Helix, better sleep starts now.
You're listening to the micro version of the Savage Lovecast at savage.love.
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, well, there's nothing you can't ask on the Savage Lovecast.
Hey everybody, it is my birthday this week and I'm away. So got a short intro for you, a packed show, but a short intro and an ask, a favor, something I want you, my listeners, to do for me for my birthday. You know that expression, fuck around and find out? It's never good what people find out. Someone fucks around taking selfies at the top of the Grand Canyon and they find out about gravity.
Or in 2016, a whole bunch of people fucked around in the voting booth and voted third party because they thought Clinton was going to win and they find out, yeah, that wasn't a lock for Clinton. Best definition for fuck around and find out, I could find after fucking around online for a bit, was written by John Ancora.
A colloquial expression used to convey a warning or a challenge, it implies that if someone continues to engage in risky or reckless behavior, they will eventually face negative consequences. The phrase is often used humorously or sarcastically to caution against making unwise decisions.
You know, it seems to me when read literally and read pedantically, fucking around, taking risks doesn't always lead to negative consequences. I know it's been true in my own life, and I can't imagine I'm the only one out there for whom this is true, but there have been times when I fucked around and found out something I needed to know or wanted to know.
Or I fucked around, I took a risk, I behaved a little recklessly, and I found someone I wanted to keep fucking around with for a while or forever. My point, sometimes we fuck around and find out something good. Sometimes we fuck around and find out something great. So here's what I want for my birthday. I want you, yes, you with the earbuds in listening to the show at the gym.
Yes, you listening to the show in your car with the five-year-old in the backseat that you hope is asleep. Yes, you on the subway wondering if the little old lady sitting next to you can hear the show over your headphones. And yes, she can. I want you to jump into the comment thread for this week's show and share something good you found out fucking around.
If it's not something you want to share with the whole class, if it's something for my eyes only, you can email your fucked around and found out something good story to me at mail at savagelove.net. This is all I want for my birthday. Some good stories about the great things that happened to you.
My listeners, when you got out there and you were literally fucking around, fucking around in the fucking around sense of fucking around, fucking around in the having sex sense of fucking around, which, you know, can involve sometimes risky or reckless behavior, unwise decisions, and still not all of the consequences are negative. Sometimes the consequences, sometimes what you find out is positive.
Life-changing. So, what did you find out fucking around that you were happy to find out? Jump into the comment thread and share. Do it for me for my birthday. All right, coming up on today's show on the micro and the magnum, Randy Rainbow is back. He's here to talk about his new book, Low Hanging Fruit.
Randy also sticks around to give a little sex advice and talk with me about pregnancy fetishists and nudism evangelists and how weird some straight people can be. And a note for our Magnum subs. Our next Savage Love Live is Thursday, October 17th at noon Pacific. Savage Love Live is a special Zoom hangout exclusively for our Magnum subscribers. Not a Magnum sub yet.
Become one of my subs right now at savage.love slash subscribe. And you will get an invite to come to the next Savage Love Live, which is again Thursday, October 17th
noon pacific and hey maybe at savage love live some people some subs can share in real time with me on the show your best fucked around and found out something good stories all right happy birthday to me thanks in advance for all your great stories that i just know you're dying to share at savage.love on this show's comment threads and now let's get to that first call this episode is brought to you by helix sleep the very best mattress designed with your comfort in mind
Right now, get 20% off the mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage.
Hi, Dan, 26-year-old non-binary person calling from Europe. My story starts the way all good stories start. I am having an argument with my partner. I recently had a really, really bad time with COVID. I didn't think it was supposed to be that bad at this point, but it was. I had all the things, short of breath, faint, muscle pains.
losing my sense of taste and smell and yeah just really horrible time and uh yeah for about 24 hours i was not able to get out of bed and feed myself and dress myself so very dependent on other people to help me so i contacted my partner who i had luckily recently made out with when i tested positive corona luckily because he didn't actually get sick he still isn't sick
But it meant that there was a person who had already exposed, so he could come and take care of me. We don't live together, by the way. I ask him to come over, and his first response is, actually, you know, he is having a bit of a bad day, and he just doesn't want to see me, just wants to be alone. I don't really have any other options than him.
Like, he's the only one with extra keys, he's the only one who I have already exposed, so I basically proceed to begging him to come over and please feed me, because I don't know how else I'm gonna get fed. In the end, he does, but he makes it very clear that he's not gonna...
physically comfort me in any way he's not gonna pet my hair he's not gonna kiss me he's not gonna give me any even comforting words he's just gonna put down the food and then he's gonna go without a word which he does and it feels really bad because i am more sick than i have been in a very very long time and it's scary and i really want comfort from my partner
Of course, it's not my right for him to touch me. Of course, it's his right to refuse to touch me. I, of course, respect his boundaries. But I just think that it's pretty shitty behavior from a long-term partner. to refuse to give me any sort of physical comfort in that situation. By the way, he's made it clear he's not afraid of catching corona in any way, so that is not the issue.
He just didn't feel like I had the right to be comforted, And I don't feel like I have the right either. I just think it's kind of shitty. And I guess that's what we're stuck at. I want an apology for him not being more caring. And he refuses to give me an apology because he feels it's his right to not want to touch me or comfort me.
Either this guy is an asshole and you know that now based on his reaction to your asking for some help. Or you left something out. You kept saying you exposed him. Now, doesn't sound like he contracted COVID. So even if you were hanging out with him when you first began to show symptoms and then you realized you had COVID and you think, oh, well, I exposed him.
Therefore, he should come cuddle with me and pet my hair while I'm sick with COVID. He didn't contract it necessarily. So he may not want to cuddle and hang out and hold your hand and sit next to you on the couch while you're sick because even though you quote unquote technically exposed him, he didn't from that one exposure to you when you were becoming symptomatic, contract COVID.
It didn't take. He didn't get sick and he doesn't want to get sick. And so he doesn't want to hang out with you. But there's something about the coldness and almost anger in his reaction that has me wondering if what you left out is you kind of knew you had COVID or suspected you had COVID or he thinks you should have known that you had COVID when you hung out with him and exposed him.
which is not a technicality that then requires him to show up at your apartment and make sure that second exposure takes, if the first didn't, by holding you at a moment when, understandably, you're sick, you'd like to be held. I came down with COVID once. My boyfriend promptly left the apartment and I didn't see him for two weeks. Three weeks, because I took Paxilvid and had rebound.
It fucking sucked. But just because he was my boyfriend and we were around each other a little bit at the start didn't obligate him to stick around and really get COVID. Make sure he got COVID. So, look, yeah. Either he's an asshole or he's angry about whatever went down when you exposed him. If he's an asshole, fuck him. Break up with him. He's not your partner.
He didn't react to you getting sick in the loving way you would expect a partner to. And you know how you expect a partner to react? Someone you don't live with at a moment where you get COVID? They say, oh my God, you're sick. I will be right there. with food and anything else that you need. You need to go get your meds. You need anything comfort foodie special.
I will run to that market or wherever and I will get you that special comfort foodie thing and I will leave it all on your porch because I don't want to get COVID. And then I will call you and we can FaceTime and watch something together on Netflix in our separate apartments where I won't get COVID. And then you can keep testing. And when you test negative, I will be there in person.
when I'm no longer at risk of getting infected with this illness, which is still killing people by the hundreds, not the tens of thousands and hundreds of thousands anymore, but some people do get it and fucking die. And I don't know your boyfriend.
I don't know if he has some underlying medical condition that could make COVID riskier for him than it is for other people in his age demographic who are otherwise generally healthy. I'm generally healthy. I have fucked up lungs and asthma. COVID was pretty risky for me.
If I were your boyfriend, I would have run all the errands, gotten all the meds, brought you all your special things, special food, everything you need. But I would not have cuddled you on the couch. I wouldn't have. So his cold reaction, he's an asshole. and you should ask him to bring food to your house one more time, and then you should break up with him.
Hey Dan and crew, 30 year old bisexual woman. My family has gone through a whole bunch of stuff in the last couple of weeks. It started six weeks ago where after a few weeks of my dad's declining health, my mom was looking through his phone for some doctor information and found evidence of his affair before he left for those specialists that same morning.
She'd gotten out of him, but it had been three years. A lot of his friends knew about it, who also knew my mom, and she was just devastated. I mean, we all were. She told us that day, and we lost contact with my dad that night, only to find him in the hospital the next morning. It was a very swift decline after that.
Within a week, he was dead from alcohol withdrawal that none of us had suspected. I mean, in hindsight, we kind of know now, but it was all very shocking at the time, to say the least. I've been okay with regards to losing my dad. We weren't particularly close, and that's all well and good.
But it's been pretty tough, to say the least, to sort of be with my mom and support my mom and the rest of my siblings, but mostly my mom. in the aftermath of this, because she didn't see it coming. Most of my siblings, including myself, were not particularly surprised to hear that my dad had had an affair, but obviously it's shocking nonetheless.
My mom has made a couple of very genuine entreatments that this doesn't affect mine and my younger sister's ideas of marriage or whatever. I'm partnered. My younger sister isn't. My older siblings are married. I personally have a bit of a history with a lot of relationship trauma and sexual trauma. So needless to say, this was a lot of bad reinforcement coming from too close to home.
I've always been interested in your thoughts on infidelity. I think You can separate the nuance for different situations, but I guess I'm just curious what your thoughts are about how to heal from this and how to not get cynical when you're confronted with really traumatic situations related to sex and relationships like this.
First, I'm so sorry for your loss and your siblings' loss and what your mother lost, which isn't just her husband of however many years, but also your her idea of what their marriage was and what they meant to each other and what they had achieved together. There are two different ways to understand a kind of late in life, late in a multi-decade marriage affair like this. You can understand it
in the way that we're encouraged to understand infidelity. That if somebody could cheat on you, if they could do that, particularly a protracted affair, that's proof that they did not love you and that the relationship, this marriage, was a lie. That becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We're told that. We're told that that's how we should understand an affair, infidelity.
And then we feel that way when we learn that that we were cheated on. Yeah, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. There's another way to understand it. Life is long. Relationships are complicated. People, as Esther Perel writes in State of Affairs, people often cheat, not because they don't love their partner, but for reasons that have something to do with a need of theirs as an individual.
And it doesn't negate the love and the commitment that existed but was complicated by the affair, tarnished by the affair that your father was so close to getting away with. You know, I have a letter, very different circumstance, from a married man who for a few years was going to places, massage parlors during a low point in his marriage and getting happy ending massages.
which he stopped doing like four years ago. And he's wrestling with whether he needs to tell his wife to shift the burden of knowing from his shoulders to her shoulders, to relieve himself of the guilt by relieving himself all over her and destroy in the telling, her idea of what their marriage is and how their marriage has functioned over the decades they've been together.
I think he should keep his fucking mouth shut. If I could jump in a time machine and snatch that phone out of your mother's hands, I would because yeah, it would have been better if your father had gone to his grave, having successfully hidden this affair from your mother and your mother, never found out about it and you kids never found out about it.
But what you found out was something that you should have always probably assumed, which is not that your dad was a cheater, but that your dad was a complicated and contradictory person capable of bad, shitty, selfish, inconsiderate, potentially really damaging to the people he loved actions like this one. Action makes it sound like a one-off singular.
I'm using action to refer to the affair, this three-year affair. I would encourage you kids to tell yourselves that you just don't know what was going on in your parents' marriage. You don't know what sort of compromises, contingencies were made over the decades your parents were together. And I was talking to your mom. I would just tell her,
to look at the sum total of the marriage, not just the betrayal of the affair, but everything that they were to each other. And to regard this as... a serious betrayal that caused her a lot of pain, particularly to find out in the way she found out about it.
And at the moment she found out about it, where she wasn't then in a position to confront your father, to process it, to, to work through it, to ask, be asked for forgiveness that maybe she could have gotten to a place where she could extend that forgiveness to him. No, she finds out and he drops fucking dead. And so this is always going to be,
Not that the resolution of a pain like this makes the pain disappear or makes everything uncomplicated and rosy again, but to have some resolution, even if what you resolved is I'm mad and I'm sorry. And that's as far as you could get before your dad dropped dead. That would be something. And your mother was denied in the moment that this all came out, even that.
And I just ache for your mother, but I would encourage your mother to see this marriage, not only through the lens of this affair at the very end of it, but to see the totality of it. And maybe if she can see the totality of it, it will not erase, not disappear the affair and what it meant, but dilute it.
You know, I think when you're in a longterm relationship, I think what all relationships are stories that two people create together. The couple is a story that's told by the couple to each other. The couple is also a story that each of those people in that couple tell to others together and separately about who they are and what they mean to each other.
And your mom's story about her relationship about her marriage is a lot more complicated than it was a week and a half ago, but it's not complicated in a way that a lot of people's marriages and relationships aren't also complicated.
A lot of people out there who've been cheated on and taken someone back or forgiven them or left them and managed to salvage from the calamity, the catastrophe of the affair and the betrayal, a friendship, or even still a marriage. People cheat, get past it, stay married, recommit, are able then to see or feel the love that the revelation of the affair may have obscured for months or years.
It can reemerge. And that's a story your mother could tell herself about this affair. Instead of telling herself, this means he never loved me, She can tell herself this means our love was big and messy and complicated. And he was an asshole and selfish and did something terrible.
And maybe if he'd lived for another couple of years, I could have divorced his ass, but stayed in his life because we have kids together or we would have reconciled. I think in the telling of that story, your mother may find some peace because in the same way that a couple is a story, it's a myth two people create together and a story two people tell each other and tell others about who they are.
Your mother's going to have a story to tell about her marriage now that she's a widow. And what is that story going to be? And what is that story going to look like? And how much weight and importance is she going to place on
shitty awful selfish boneheaded thing her dead husband did toward the end of his life and how much weight is she going to put on everything else that the relationship was and meant and achieved including you kids as the shock of it fades the shock of the affair, how she found out about it, and then her husband's death.
It'll never recede out of sight, but hopefully it will recede to some proportionate way and not be the only thing she can think about or the only thing she sees or takes away from however many decades your parents spent together. My heart goes out to you and your siblings and most of all your mother. And not that it matters, not that it helps, but I'm mad at your dad too.
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Hello, Team Savage, early 40s male living on the East Coast, and I'm seeking suggestions or a plan to achieve a lifelong fetish as ethically as possible. I have always been attracted to pregnant women. I know, I'm one of those creeps. I'd love the opportunity to give someone a full-body, luxurious massage and pamper or prostrate whatever that person wanted.
My fetish has actually made me a lifelong advocate for reproductive freedom and informed many of my practices as a social worker. So, I want a pregnant hookup who is happy to be objectified or to objectify me. Here are my complications.
Some partners in the past, while always GGG, even while generously trying to wear a fake belly and breast set, take me immediately out of the moment and kill my arousal. It's not their fault. I couldn't commit to the fantasy. My spouse and I are together because we do not want children. And I got a vasectomy pre-pandemic, so the obvious choice is out.
Any hookups I would seek have an obvious timeline constraint between showing and giving birth. And most pregnant people aren't dating or swinging for obvious reasons. It also, from their perspective, probably feels like a rushed decision for anyone pregnant looking for a hookup like me, assuming such a person exists.
And I'd want the person to feel that they have properly vetted me until they feel safe, as America can be a scary place for any expecting family. Is this scene something I'd put on the front page of a hookup app? How do I put this out there?
Joining me to help answer this question, Randy Rainbow, four-time Emmy and Grammy-nominated American comedian, producer, actor, singer, writer, satirist, host, and New York Times bestselling author. His musical parodies and political spoofs have garnered him worldwide acclaim. We were the first to acclaim him on this program.
His latest book, Low-Hanging Fruits, Sparkling Wines, Champagne Problems, and Pressing Issues from My Gay Agenda, out October 8th from St. Martin's Press. Randy, welcome back to the Lovecast.
Dan, I love you. I'm so happy to be with you. And yes, you absolutely discovered me. You may have that.
I was digging through some old tweets to find an old mean tweet I sent out about Tim Miller in 2015. And I found a tweet I sent out about you in 2015 telling HBO to give you a special already. 2016, the Randy Rainbow fan club card in my wallet. I am member 001. I am number one Randy Rainbow fan.
All right, before we get to this call, your last book, Playing With Myself, came out like five minutes ago and now you have a new book out, Collection of Humorous Essays. Randy, you're making me look bad in front of my publisher who's been waiting for a new book since 2013. Stop it. How do you produce so much tremendous content?
Is this true? This makes me feel better because I thought it was kind of close to... So really, it's taken you that long. 2013 was your last book.
Yeah. I told my publisher, as soon as I'm done reading Twitter, I will crank out another book. But there's just more to read every day.
I don't know how the... I can say fuck on this podcast, right?
Yes, you can.
I can say a lot of shit on this podcast. I don't know how the fuck I did this book because I also was touring while I wrote it, if you want to really be impressed. So I'm so happy that it came out as good as I think it did because it was not easy. But yeah, I don't know. It's a lot of content. I don't like that word content and I talk about it in the book. I complain about a lot of shit.
Okay, so I thought you were the perfect guest expert to tackle this man's problem because his issue is, you know, he says he's had partners who are GGG, willing to wear pads, fake being pregnant.
GGG again, please?
Is that Golden Girls something? What is GGG? Good giving in game, good in bed, giving of life. pleasure, attention, and game for anything within reason. His problem is he couldn't commit, that it threw him out. And Randy, his problem is he can't commit to the bet. You are the master of committing to the bet. Give him some advice about committing to the bet. He He wants to find a pregnant.
He's like a guy with a pregnancy fetish. They exist. Hopefully all the women who just listen to this aren't going to think that all straight men who are supporters of reproductive freedom are secretly creepy pregnancy fetishes like this guy is, although he credits his pregnancy fetish for his support of reproductive freedom.
I mean, it was a little virtue signaling at times, you know, like we get it like, you know, so that's the part that I was really focused on.
But he can't commit in that he's not he's not that somebody who's wearing a fake pregnancy pad is not really pregnant. And what he wants is a really pregnant woman. You do these amazing videos where you're performing with opposite Donald Trump, J.D. Vance, Ted Cruz, Marjorie Taylor Greene. And it's like you're in the room with them. So you don't have any problem committing to the bed.
Give him some advice on committing to the bed.
you have to just go for it. You have to just have a yes and mentality. And I mean, first of all, see, I have more questions than I have answers. This is why I feel like I'm of no use on this program because I just want to pick your brain about this. Is it not easy for someone to find a like-minded pregnant person in a case like this?
This is one of those kinks that's really hard to realize because like the caller said, you know, most women who are pregnant are partnered. They're not out there swinging. They're not single. They're probably not in the mood to be perved over by somebody who objectifies them for sex. pregnancy, which for them is like this miracle. They're going to have a child. It wasn't sexual.
It's not a kink that they're pregnant. And yet he wants them to like allow someone whose kink is, Oh my God, this woman is pregnant to basically rub them all over. And there might be some women who are pregnant who might be into that, but they're going to be few and far between. And the odds that he's going to be in the same place, same time zone at the same time as one of those women.
And they're going to manage to find each other.
There's a lot of stuff going on. You just have to just settle for what you, you know, just take what you get and then move on.
And what he can get is a GGG partner who's willing to pretend to be pregnant, but he's saying that that's not good enough for him.
Well, you know something? Life isn't fair. And like you said, you know, I'm often talking to fake people in my living room, so this person can pretend that the belly has a baby in it. I mean, this is one of the weirdest, like straight people. I only learn of them when I come on this program, and I never will get it.
We save up our best straight people calls for you, Randy, all year long. So weird. So your amazing videos, which have just gotten better and better and better, you're still making them in your living room?
Well, you know, I like to pretend I'm humble and like of the people because people like to hear that. But I'm really in this luxurious second bedroom room.
green instead of my original when you met me in 2016 when i was in a studio with like a green cloth that i was using for my green screen so we're moving on up randy rainbow emmy and grammy nominated american comedian producer actor singer writer new york times best-selling author his new book low-hanging fruit comes out october 8th randy
I'm so in awe of you, and you're one of those people that each success of yours just brings me such joy and pleasure. Oh, my God. I follow you on Instagram, and every time you put pictures up of you at the Emmys, you with divas and heroes, I live vicariously through you, and I'm so happy for you.
And you are such a mensch and a beautiful person, and you have been with me from the beginning, and I love you so much. I can't believe I have not been in a room with you yet. Yeah.
Every time you're in Seattle to do your show, I'm not in Seattle. And every time I'm in New York, you're not in New York. So we've never actually met in person.
I feel like the first time that we'll be in person, we'll be in Berlin at an orgy.
Randy Rainbow, thank you for coming back on the show. Thank you. I love you. I hope you're enjoying my conversation with the amazing Randy Rainbow. For more of my conversation with Randy, become a Magnum Savage Lovecast subscriber today at savage.com.
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Hi Dan, mid-thirties, married gay guy here from the UK. My husband and I have been together for nine years, married for the last five. We began monogamous and spent years talking about it, and two years ago we decided that we wanted to explore opening up our relationship. It started off with a threesome with a good friend of ours.
It was both of our first ever threesomes, and we liked that it was with someone that we felt close and comfortable with. After that initial threesome, we continued to sleep with this third person regularly and still do. 18 months later, my husband and I were only open with this third person.
We had grown really close with him and he'd been privately referring to us as a throuple for lack of a better word for it. My husband and I then decided to open up our relationship further and see where it goes. At the beginning, I was really hesitant, but in the last six months or so, I have really come into myself and my sexuality.
Going to my first ever bathhouse and exploring cruising, which I had never done before. I never felt comfortable doing anything like that when I was younger. As I have gotten older, I have a sense of confidence and freedom that is just so liberating. I'm really enjoying myself and would love to continue exploring these new things and this new side of me.
My husband, however, is realising that anonymous hookups are not really for him. I'm thinking he might be more of a demisexual even if he hasn't labelled himself. He also doesn't really feel comfortable dating people as it feels like this is a bit too serious for him. This has left a bit of a gap between us.
He feels like he needs to keep up with the hookups that I'm having, even though it's clear that he does not like doing it. We currently have a no secrets policy regarding our exploits. So we do tell each other before each time we have a hookup. Dan, how do I navigate this situation?
I want to continue exploring my whole phase, but I feel conflicted because my husband just does not like this part of me. I love him so much and I don't want to hurt or upset him. He has never stopped me doing anything. I can always tell that it upsets him. He wants to keep up.
That leapt out at me when I was listening to your question. You guys opened your relationship? You know, when it was just the two of you, The sex was equal and even because every time you had sex, you were having sex with each other, monogamous relationship.
And then when you opened it up to just that one other person and became a kind of de facto throuple, and you're having a lot of three ways, you were still having basically the same amount of sex. You were both getting the same amount of dick.
But now that you're going out to bathhouses, now that you're having NSA sex, no strings attached sex, anonymous sex, a kind of sex that your husband doesn't enjoy, He feels jealous. I don't think it's quite the right word. There is, I think, in gay male relationships, this masculine shit around competitiveness. We see our partners as people we love and equals, but also there's just this like...
Competitive one-upmanship in male friendships, male relationships, and even gay male loving relationships, which is where this desire of your partners to keep up, to match you dick for dick arises. Maybe coming from, and if he can identify that as what he needs to let go of, maybe you can diffuse this tense situation.
Right now for you, quantity is quality, but for your partner, quality matters more than quantity. Yeah. I've seen this in other gay male couples where they open their relationship up and one was getting a lot more play.
We talk about this a lot when it comes to straight couples opening their relationships where it's often a lot easier for a woman in an open marriage or relationship to find men willing to sleep with partnered women than it is for straight men to find women who are willing to sleep with partnered men. And so this competitiveness can play out differently in different relationships.
But I think it's really acute in male relationships because of that male competitiveness. It's almost like, you know, kids when mom and dad are dividing up the ice cream for dessert and you want to have your portions be exactly the same.
That sort of sibling rivalry I think can play out in game out relationships, but also that you're getting so much more than me, even though, you know, he's still getting some more. Yeah. but not as much as you. But what he needs to recognize and accept is that he doesn't want as much as you do. And so it's not a numbers game.
It's not about matching each other dick for dick and it being even and the portions of dick ice cream being exactly the same. It's about what do you want? What makes you happy? What does he want? What makes him happy?
And there was something you said in your question that made it sound like your partner's going out there and getting some Anandic himself or nearly Anand or going with you to the bathhouses. And he's not enjoying what he's doing because it's not what he wants to do. He's only doing it to keep up. And if he could let go of that...
that impulse to keep up, to match you, to make sure it's fair and focus on fair in numbers and focus on fairness in sexual fulfillment, self-actualization, each of you making space in your relationship for the other to have what he wants right now in the proportion and the degree that he wants and needs it right now. I am kind of taking your side here because I think your partner is
is focusing on the numbers of dicks as opposed to the number of dicks that he wants, matching you dick for dick, as opposed to having the freedom to explore what he wants, how he wants to explore it, as you have the freedom to explore what you want, how you want to explore it. And there, there's the baseline freedom.
Rather than counting the dicks, what you should do is place value and importance on that one thing. Not the number of dicks that you've each had this week, but the freedom you both enjoy to go out there as individuals, also as a couple together, and have experiences that you enjoy.
you both plural and singular there, that you two enjoy together as a couple, that you two each enjoy solo as individuals. And yeah, if he's out there sucking dicks that he doesn't want to suck just so he got to suck as many dicks as you got to suck, that's not going to be pleasant for him. And if you don't get to suck as many dicks as you want to suck because he's
making this category error about what's fair and what's not fair, that's not going to be good for you either. So sit down with your partner, have a conversation, try not to lay all the blame at his feet. But right now I think the issue here, the problem here is his.
vacation all I ever wanted hi it's Nancy your singing podcast producer Dan is on vacation having a great time so I've heard so I'm gonna read the listener comments from savage.love what a kind smart group you are it's a pleasure to read these comments Okay, here we go. We start with frequent commenter Softig the Magnificent, who we love.
They say, the caller with two special needs children and a depressed spouse and complicated relationship. Is it possible to be open in all the ways Dan described but start focusing on reconnecting with non-sexual or very lightly sexual physical contact?
I've gone through periods of more or less sex, and one of the things that has helped is that we have a robust habit of physical touch outside of sex. I know that's much harder with kids, but it still might help. Yeah, thanks, Zoftig. Now, here's a comment from Facebook in response to the mom who asked how to support her enby kid. Public support when it's safe.
My parents came around eventually after I came out as a lesbian, but in the beginning I think it was tough for them to admit to their friends, co-workers, and especially extended family that their kid was queer.
It was hurtful to me that they couldn't just own it and claim it and say they stood by me proudly because I knew they were accepting me in private, but it would have been so empowering to feel that in public too. Then back to savage.love, JR says in response to last week's intro about the mice who get blasted with both testosterone and cortisone and then stress themselves out to death.
Dan wished there was an easy way to know how evolutionarily diverged he is from that ridiculous Australian mouse, which is actually a marsupial. Good news, there is. This website offers a research-backed evolutionary divergence time for any pair of taxa, timetree.org.
For example, humans and Antigonus last had a common ancestor about 160 million years ago, around when placental and marsupial mammals diverged. We can also check divergence times to other sexy species like sequentially hermaphroditic clownfish. Pomocentridae, 429 million years ago,
or pregnant male seahorses, also 429 million years ago, or praying mantises that practice nuptial cannibalism much more frequently in captivity than in the wild, 686 million years ago, or the fungus with more than 17,000 sexes, Tricheptum, 1,275 million years ago, or poplars which keep changing their sex chromosomes, 1,530 million years ago, Ain't science fun? Yes, science is fun.
Thank you so much. You can join the conversation every week at savage.love if you want to make a comment of your own. We love reading them. And now, here comes some listener response calls.
So about the guy in episode 935 whose girlfriend went nuclear when she caught him sexting online. I couldn't help but notice that he said he did this dozens or hundreds of times a night when he was single and despite his best intentions, could not break the habit when he ended up in a couple. Dozens or hundreds of times a night. I would go nuclear too.
Plus, I would be pretty upset if I were one of the hundreds of women whose time he was wasting. I know that you're not a fan of the concept of sex addiction, but something's going on here.
Hi, this is feedback for episode 935 about the discussion about gay men calling their assholes a pussy or cunt. As a cis woman, I do find this kind of offensive. Not like offensive offensive, but like a little bit lowercase offensive. Not in the bedroom. You can say whatever you want in the bedroom.
But when people online who are cis men are talking about their pussy or their cunt, I'm just like... Even putting aside pregnancy, childbirth, and Republican legislation, you've never had a period. You've never had a yeast infection. You've never had a pap smear. You've never had vaginismus. You've never had lichen sclerosis, which I have.
You've never had, you know, all of these experiences that are part of the challenging side of having an actual pussy. And I just feel like it's really minimizing to...
say like oh yeah pussy equals sex so like we all have pussies now ha ha ha ha it's like no there's actually a lot more that comes with it that we go through and it feels like that's like kind of lightweight erased you know again not not majorly offensive but i just don't like it i i think come up with a different word man like pussy and cunt are kind of taken
Hey, Dan and everybody. This is a cis het woman in my early 40s, and I'm calling with a comment about your Magnum conversation with Caleb Herron, where you were trying to address a caller who was worried that gay men calling their asses or little special places a cunt or a pussy was disrespectful. I'm with Caleb on this. He said he's not thinking about women when he's fucking a guy.
And I honestly don't care what gay men call each other's body parts when you're fucking.
Like, go for it.
Be creative.
And we're gonna leave it there. There are three ways to get us your questions and comments for future shows. You can record your question or your comment on our website at savage.love.com. Or you can make a voice memo and email us your question to q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
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