Conan O'Brien
Appearances
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah, ¿por qué no? So, I mean, I think if I had grown up in Madrid, my adolescence and all through my 20s and 30s would have been a lot of women going, ¿por qué no?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah, that was in our vows. Her, her, her, she said, why not? I said, I do. She said, why not? I don't not.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah. And I paid that fucker off. He gets $50,000 a year to keep his goddamn mouth shut.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Oh, my God. The scales are the best part. Oh, you know when those things get scared, their tails pop off. You bet they do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Oh, my God. What an orgasm. You are the lizard. I think I'll say it was for me, but the lizard didn't look unhappy. Let's just say we both smoked a cigarette afterwards. Anyway, Alejandra, we somehow went astray. We. I don't know how you took me down this road. But so your question, you said a lot of nice things to me, but you didn't quit. What is the question?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Well, I have an agent and a manager and they did a lot of checking in on my children. Yeah. Gavin Pallone, Rick Rosen, and they would check in on the kids and they would occasionally text me and say, the boy seems good. The girl seems sad. And then they then we would get into the financials about, you know, how the business was doing and the ratings and things like that. Oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I have to say, all joking aside, I hit the jackpot with with my wife, Liza, because she is an impeccable mom and she just did an incredible job. And so I did miss out on things because I was working a lot. I tried to be there for important stuff. But, yeah, there were it really helps to have a partner there. who is fantastic. And it sounds like your husband does a great job.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
And so my rule is find an amazing partner and then totally screw them over, leave them with the kids and eat as late as possible in Madrid. That's my rule.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah. Now, do you have close family that you dine with as well?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
So, Alejandra, theoretically, if I were to be in Madrid and if you and I were to go out to a very late dinner at a nice restaurant, would your father come as well? And how would that go?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Are you saying that someone could monopolize a conversation with me? You really think so?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah, so that's why I would insist that he come along. You tell Papa Blabbermouth... That the big guns are coming to town. Okay. I think I'm a world champion gabber. And I would insist that he come to dinner.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
That's great. So you just basically watched American television, listened to American podcasts, and that has influenced. It's destroyed one of the most beautiful accents in the world. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I bet I can out talk your dad. I bet I can talk. And here's the great thing. Your dad knows a lot. He has great knowledge. I know nothing about food. I know nothing about the food in Madrid. And yet I will talk three times as much as your father about this stuff I know nothing about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah, I'm not worried about that part. I think, I don't know who this guy is, but I think I got him covered on comedy. But I will talk much more than your father. I will dominate the conversation and I will make it all about me. That's my promise to you. Doesn't that sound fun?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
No, no, I need you there. I need you there as the buffer, okay? I need you there as the buffer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah, I think it's you, me, your father. I think it's a very late dinner, traditional dinner at a nice restaurant in in Madrid. And I will dominate the conversation. And I will also ask my wife for some wisdom about raising children because I I you know, she's the one that knows I'm not even I can't remember their names right now. Stuart. Stuart? No, that's family guy. Stewie. Stewie, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
That's from a cartoon. I'll find out their names. I'm going to be able to give you great advice on raising children. Okay?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I'm delighted to meet you, Alejandra. And I do hope we get to have a meal someday. I want your father there because he's not going to get one word out of his boca.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Edward, that's mouth. Anyway. Alejandra, very nice to see you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Thank you, guys. You're a very impressive person. Congratulations on all of your achievements. And I hope we cross paths. That would be fun.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Great. Can we make sure we edit out that shout out, please? No, no. Make sure it's edited out. I don't trust them. They're gone. I'm not friends with them. I don't know them. Dead to us. Just put a big eee over that shout out. Not for any other, not for a legal reason, just that I don't know them and they should get no free rides. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Oh, I'm glad that I made you urinate. Sorry. Alejandra, many people think I am Ellen and many people go up to Ellen and say, hi, Conan. So it's a common misconception.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
They're your words. These are my words. These are my words come back to haunt me. Well, tell me a little bit about your life. Mostly what I like to do is try and figure out how I can help my fans around the world. How can I help you, Alejandra? What can I do for you? I don't think I can do much. You're very beautiful. You're obviously very smart, very well-spoken. How can I help you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
It's OK. You're allowed to freak out. That's OK. Your name is Alejandra. Is this right?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
You know what we should do? I should speak less and you guys should speak more so that children can sleep.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Exactly. I think when I'm talking, it's like... But I think you guys should take the lead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I wouldn't listen to the podcast. I've told many people you should not listen to the podcast while caring for a sleeping baby. Because, I mean, the laughs are going to come. They just are.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
So and so so are you are you taking care of them full time or do you work?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
No, no, no. First of all, first of all, Alejandra, do not sell yourself short. That is a I am very impressed. That is a very high powered job you have. Thank you. And I will tell you, that's that's quite a lot. I mean, you have sounds like your husband has a job. You have this very high powered job. You have two kids. That's a lot.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Everyone's a wise guy. Alejandra, tell us, where are you right now?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah. Alejandra, you keep trying to convince me that you're not an impressive person. And yet you are clearly the smartest person out of the four of us in this room.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
You're not in the room and you're much smarter than we are.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
And to to be legal counsel for this massive company, that's big.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I'm impressed by that because not that I'm throwing her under the bus or anything, but when my children were born, my wife said, no restaurants, no movies, no joy for anyone until they're 12 years old. And kind of locked it down. Kind of locked it down. And so we're just sort of, they're both in college now. And we just, we're just now going outside again. And I remembered, oh, that's the sun.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Look at the sun. That burning orb in the sky. But anyway, I love my wife. Shut it down. That's so nice. My wife was not, we were not going to restaurants for quite a while. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I've been to Barcelona, but I've never been to Barcelona. But I've never been to Madrid and I would love to see it someday. Alejandra, tell us a little bit. Do you go by Alejandra?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Oh, she just didn't want to leave the kids behind. Oh, I see. When kids are young, I mean, you're not taking your kids to, I think, first of all, in Spain, correct me if I'm wrong, but in Madrid, don't you start eating, the time to start a dinner, I think, is at two o'clock in the morning. Yeah. Isn't that when you guys have dinner?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
This is a true thing. The McDonald's in Madrid, they all serve breakfast. They start at 5 o'clock in the afternoon. Yeah. That's a true story. You can't have it before then. Lunch is at six o'clock and then you can't get Big Mac. I don't think till 4 a.m. They're all insane. It's not called the Big Mac in Spain. It's called it's called the conquistador.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Okay, he's from Poland. So he must think these people are crazy. They're going out to have these full... I mean, these are elaborate meals too, right? You're having elaborate meals in elaborate restaurants.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
No, no. You should try it. Give it a shot. I think you're just different people. I'm telling you, it's a whole different culture. They're different people. They have massive meals very late at night. I love that. Yeah, in theory, I love that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
So, okay, you go out to these meals. Is your husband coming with you on these meals when you go out?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Okay, that's all right. This also sounds familiar. You don't want to spend time with your spouse, but with your friends. Yes, my wife did a lot of that as well. Conan, why don't you stay here and people who make me laugh can have dinner with me. It was all your friends. It was all my friends. It was you guys. My wife was always saying, I'm meeting Matt and Sona.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
At the Hunky Dory, that bar in the corner. So Alejandra, let me understand this. You have this big job. You have two young children, a husband, but you also like to go out to eat. This all sounds, it says a lot to balance, isn't it? This is a lot to juggle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Okay. So your English is perfect. I mean, you sound like you're coming to me from San Diego or something. I mean, it's perfect right now. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Yeah. Not so good. The wheels are coming off the trolley. So it must be hard to balance all of that is what I'm guessing. It's just hard to...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
You know, there's an old saying that when you're on an airplane and the oxygen masks drop down, you've got to put yours on first before you put it on the child.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
And my theory has always been I take both masks. I put both masks on. A child's got smaller lungs. They'll figure it out. They don't need as much. Right. And God forbid, but you can get another child somewhere.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Whatever. They come along. So my point, Alejandra, is you need to take much more time for yourself. The children will figure it out. Do you know what I mean? You need you're working very hard. You gave birth to them. Check. I think that's enough. Right. And I think I think you should be having dinner starting at nine. Then I think you shouldn't feel any guilt.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
I think you should hit the clubs afterwards. And you'll see the kids. I'm too old for that now. Yeah, you'll see. You're too old. I just got to the clubs. Yeah, I am. Oh, no. I just hit the age when I think I'm ready to go to the clubs. I never went to the clubs before. I missed out and I want to go to the clubs now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
People were very evasive when I said, where's the clubs? And they'd be like, I don't know. We got to go. And they were all dressed and they had glow sticks and stuff. I never went to a club. And now I think it's the time. Once I hit 60, I thought, now's the time to hit the clubs.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
His club is probably a historical society where they talk about, you know, Eisenhower's contributions to the highway system in the 1950s in America.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Well, I'm saying you have a beautiful Cincinnati accent. It's amazing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
He thinks Grubhub is a club. It rhymes, doesn't it? Yeah. He thinks that when he gets his sandwich delivered.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Alejandra, let's say you and I were to hang out. Let's say, and this is all theoretical, but let's say I were in Madrid and you and I were to hang out. How would you want me to help you? How could I assist you? How could I improve your life?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Thank you so much for saying that. So you're a young, attractive woman who is willing, who thinks that I'd be the perfect guy to have a late dinner with in Madrid and then hit the clubs. Is that what you're saying?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
But Alejandra, how did your, I mean, you live, are you a citizen of Madrid? You grew up in Madrid?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
When I was single, a shrug and a why not was the best I could get. What is Spanish for? How do you say in Spain? How do you say why not?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Maybe we can work together. I have my ways. I tend to win people over. Sonia, you've seen me in action.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I don't think there are that many, but yeah. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Not so big. Just people that had slight hesitation and they overcame it. Quite a few people. Not a lot. A lot of people. Not big naysayers. Eloise, are there any events that we would go to together? Are there any events in the trans community that I could participate in?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Sure. I was just hoping at one point there's alcohol involved. you know, going to a club or something. But yes, I like those. I think what you're doing sounds very cool and very healthy. But at some point, I want to hit the dance floor. Do you understand? You've got to see my moves to believe them, Eloise. You've got to see them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yes. Yes. That's not necessarily a brag. Unless my demands are met, Eloise. Unless there's a suitcase full of cash in this podcast office tomorrow, you will see me dance. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
The clock is ticking. Well, Eloise, it was a good way. Eloise, it was very nice talking to you. And you are very funny. You seem very funny and very cool. And I do believe you're a healer because I've had fun talking to you. And you have healed me. So what do you think of that? That's great. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
All right. I'll get it to you. Thank you, Eloise. Nice talking to you. Bye-bye. Bye. Thanks, guys.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Wow. Pizza is the great unifier of everything you just said. So you are very active in the trans community. You have lots of get togethers. What kinds of things do you like to do with your friends who are trans? What kind of, you know, do you have parties? Do you have, what do you do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yeah, I would like to join you because I'm told I'm weird, you know, part of my life story.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Okay. Well, all right. Well then there's work to be done. That's why I'm here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
My mission has always been to expand my presence in the LGBTQ community in the Philippines. Very specifically. I said that in 1963, the year I was born. I remember.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Wow, you have a time machine, apparently. Yeah. Well, would I get along? Would I fit in with everybody? I'm a pretty friendly person. Would they accept me? I guess that's the big question. Would your friends accept me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
This isn't going well, Eloise. Eloise, I'm not getting good signals, Eloise.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Okay. Well, you're talking to myself, Matt, Sona, the gang. Hi. And tell me, I don't know much. Tell me where are you right now? Who are you? Tell us the whole story.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Oh, I think so. Yeah. Your friends are picking up when I'm laying down is what you're saying.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I always thought that Calvin Coolidge was huge in the trans community in the Philippines. Yeah. That was my understanding. Not so much President Taft. I get it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Okay, I'll double down on Johnson. Okay. Well, okay, so you say that... Let's say I came to Manila, and let's say that you and I were to meet, and you were going to take me out for a night with your friends in the trans community. What would we be doing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yes, I want to blend in very much. I want to be considered a chill guy when I go out on the town with you and your friends in the trans community. So tell me, what are the things I should know?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I see what you're saying, though. It probably has to be a reality TV show, right? That's better. It could be a reality. Like, right now, Eloise, you're totally giving me, you know, season six, Love Island, episode three, uh... Cheetah. I just made all that all up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
You know what? Yeah, because I was too deliberate about it. Yes. You got to just toss it off.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Okay, you are just right now. You know what? I don't need this from you. You are so President Taft and selling the OC. I don't need this right now. Do you know what I mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I've heard that before. That's a compliment. Eloise, this is a big help. You're helping me. This is good. I think you are a hero. I think I have to learn more about reality shows.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
What are the popular reality shows so I can just toss them off? Oh, Love is Blind. Love is Blind. All right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yeah. But is there a city that because is there a real housewives?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I call I'm going to go with Atlanta. I'm going to call it Hotlanta.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Wow. That's fantastic. And you say you're a healer as well. So you can help people. Maybe you could help me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I don't know. Eloise, you're totally giving me, um, uh, uh, It's going well. It's going well, buddy. Keep it up. You got it. I don't watch these shows. You can use any reference.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Oh, yeah. A little Teresa, season four, Real Housewives of New Jersey, much Eloise. Does that work? Yeah. Slay? It sounds a little like an insult, but I'll take it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Oh, that's too obvious. You got to pick up someone obscure. More obscure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Svensson. What? He's the accountant on the show. I'm going to do the best I can, though, to learn more about reality TV. I'm going to say slay a lot. What else would we do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yeah, I got news for you. I think you'd make a really good- I got news for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I think I have a much better chance in the trans community. I really do. I think I have a better chance than becoming an elite athlete. I just, I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
That dog in you? I'm an old, old fellow. And the other day I got out of bed quickly and my left leg fell off. And I used electrical tape to put it back on. And so that's what I'm concerned about is pieces of my body coming off in the Philippines, you know?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
There you go. That's why I know that. See? What? It doesn't matter where you get the knowledge as long as you have the knowledge. I just shouldn't reveal that, right? Right now you're being so Winston Bufferman on American Roadshow. with his collection of pneumatic tubes that he sold.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Who do you need help with? I was hoping you would know. I have some guesses. I think that would be rude. Well, you live in Manila and tell me just a little bit about your life. What do you like to do? How do you have fun?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yeah, it's just incredible, right? Yeah. You are such a Walt Kellerman from American Pickers season four. Oh my God. Oh, American Pickers.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
You can slay with a docuseries. Eloise, can you slay with docuseries?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Hold on. I got RuPaul on the line now. What's that? Oh, quick no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Invisible phone, everybody. And I hang that up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
After what you've heard today, do you want me to come visit you? And you're allowed to say no, you've changed your mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I think that might scare people. Yeah, probably, yeah. Well, I admire your honesty. I really do. I try. I appreciate that. Can I ask you a question? You've mentioned autism also during this interview. Are you autistic?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
That's funny, that was my sound reaction. Yeah, what if he sees the real me? What if he's right? I can see, yeah, it's different. I'm not for everyone, and that's always the way it's been.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I'm going to win him over. I was pretending to be okay with your dad not liking me, but this is odd.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I'm obsessed now. What would you do? What would I do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Well, first of all, I'd be very respectful and kind to him. So respectful and kind that he would see that I'm not rude. Then I. So hilarious. Yeah. And then I would probably bring him some gifts. And. What would you bring him? Oh, well, what is your, what is your dad like? Pork. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Goes right in the overhead compartment. So I would wrap some pork in newspaper. Just a full pig. Put it in the overhead compartment and fly. I think it's probably a pretty quick flight from LA to Manila. and then get in a cab in the hot sun and take this rotten, fetid pork to your father and say, hey, you're the guy that thought I was rude. Have this rotting pork.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
And then I think we'd be best buddies. Don't you think?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
But yeah, you know what? Give it a try. You are so season three American botulism. So I can't believe that got three seasons.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This is so sick. It's not like the treat's just for you. It's everyone else, which is creating this group thing that's evil.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
On how to run a podcast company. But, oh my God, that is wrong slash kind of ingenious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
If I was in my house and that was being projected and coming in through the window, I think I'd lose my mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You have this great quote, when playing a role, I would feel more comfortable as you're given a prescribed way of behaving. Yeah. And I thought that is, I understand someone's telling you. Yeah. All the anxiety you might have, Jesse, about what am I supposed to say or do in this one particular situation? Right. But if you're in the seagull. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You know, like, no, I'm supposed to enter and then I'm supposed to leave and shoot myself. Right, exactly. This is what I'm supposed to do. Exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, and you step outside to go get the paper and these lasers are firing candy canes into your eyes. You get your paper in the nighttime? Yeah, I get it delivered at night. When I want it, when there's bad news, I want to hear it right away.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It's funny because now I'm having this other like flashback memory of I don't know if you remember this, Sona, but when we were doing the shows during COVID.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I think you were one of the first people. Yes, that's right. You may have been the first guest I talked to. COVID hit, all the shows shut down. Then we all came back, I think on the same day, and we were doing- Virtual. Virtual interviews, Zoom interviews.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I think everyone else really had their shit together and they were talking to guests who were in their home, but with state-of-the-art Zoom.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I was very excited that you were gonna be like the first guest back. Oh, great. We got Jesse Eisenberg. This is going to be great. And your family had gotten into a van and you were just driving across America. I think you're trying to escape COVID in a van in America, which doesn't work, by the way. But I remembered you having... possibly the worst Zoom signal I've ever seen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And this was on television. You could probably look it up and see it, but it looks like I'm talking to, it looks like it's 1962 and I'm talking to a Russian cosmonaut who's in space. Exactly. Yuri Gagarin, how are you? And then it would go out and then you'd come back in again. And occasionally I could see, you know, like your family in the background trying to swat away COVID.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
What I've remembered is I remember, those are the things I remember in show business. There've been many, you know, flawless, perfectly executed Technicolor interviews that I'll never remember. Yeah. But I just remember you in a baseball cap and your family trying to outrun a virus in a van.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah. The only one who didn't get it, Sona, who ate garlic, right?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I pay him a little extra to come by at night. It makes me feel, I don't want to read news in the morning. I want to read it at night. And it's the only way to get it through the newspaper, I'm told. Hi, I don't know much about the Internet. But anyway, I don't I don't that looks like way too much to have something projected on the house. But I have a brother who's a fully adult man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Oh, and he got real cocky about it. And he said, he kept, he was always shouting, COVID can never get me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Remember? That's right. And if someone had COVID, he would grab them and open mouth kiss them. Right. He got me too a couple of times for that. That's right. And then finally, You ordered a hamburger and you said, put a little extra COVID on it. And you finally caught it. Got it. So it ultimately was your fault. In my stories, it's always the other person. Put a little extra COVID on it. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I said I wanted COVID. I want two scoops. Make it real COVID-y. You call this COVID? I got to ask you, I know you did Zombieland with him. And so I have to ask you about Woody Harrelson because he's an unsolvable mystery to me. And I ask because he, in my little podcast company, he does a podcast, a very good podcast that he does.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
With Ted Danson, they do it together in this very room. And whenever I encounter Woody, I'm convinced he's not real. I'm convinced he's not a real person in all the best ways.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It's like him and Paul Rudd are the people that everyone's agreed. We love them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And we've, I mean, mentioned it, but it was a big episode here, but it was, you may not be aware of this, that I was here with Ted and we were waiting on Woody and they said he's good. And then we got this message. Yeah, Woody's running late. He was in a motorcycle accident. And I was saying, he was in a motorcycle accident. Let's all rush to the hospital and go make sure he's okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And they're like, nope, he's just going to be 15 minutes late. Yeah. And he showed up 15 minutes late and he had gone like ass over tea kettle over the hood of a car. Right. Not wearing armor. Yeah. And Ted bandaged him. And then we did the podcast. Oh, my God. And I'm and he's like, I'll be right, man. You know what? No. Yeah. You're no. What are you doing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
He goes all out on Christmas on the inside of his house. And I think that's really sweet. I love that. I'm all for people going for it. You know, it's funny every now and then someone gives me an ornament. I put it on the tree and then kind of forget about it. And then it just shows up because it all goes into a box and then it goes back on the tree the next year.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah. I'm also furious with him because he pulled me aside and said, hey, man. you want to go 50-50 with me on a houseboat in Amsterdam? And I'm like, to co-own a houseboat in Amsterdam with Woody Harrelson, I could dine out on that for the rest of my life. And so I said, yes, yes. And he said, don't you have to talk to your wife? And I said, no, I'm just saying yes right now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
He said, do you need to see pictures? I said, no. If you know if I've never see it. Of course. I'm going to tell people, yeah, Woody Harrelson and I co-own a houseboat in Amsterdam. Three days later, we don't talk. He's taping a podcast right in here, and he's talking to Flea. And on air, he goes, hey, Flea, you want to go half and half? And I practically crashed the door down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I'm like yelling at him, you never intended.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
He is sold. It's like that con man who sold. A million halves. Yeah. You each get a half. All thousand of you. Now if I could just leave town with this suitcase full of cash. He's the music man. The monorail. He's the music man. Yeah, or the monorail. It's Lyle Landley. Yeah, exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
But one of the things I love the most about being in this business is just meeting all these characters, these authentic people. And I just and just to me, that's the price of admission.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I think it's less, yes. I know what you mean. I think there's eccentricity that's manufactured by celebrities, famous people, whatever you want to call them, people of note. There's some eccentricity. I think the thing that's manufactured the most is difficulty. I think that's what I've noticed. Purposely manufactured.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Purposely manufactured difficulty because it almost creates a sense of importance. Sometimes I think when someone's being very difficult or there's a lot of demands and they have a giant entourage and everything has to be just right, I think this person's unhappy. This person is trying to create something because they don't feel authentic enough.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And a couple of years ago, Zach Braff was here and he gave me an ornament. It's him and Donald Faison hugging each other. And I remember just coming home and like, it was in my pocket. And I'm like, what's this? And the tree was up and I went, oh, okay. And I just put it on the tree. Like three years go by. And the other day I passed my tree. I'm like, what the fuck?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I know that when I was doing the late night show, Bruce Springsteen came to perform and he showed up himself. Right. And he's wearing a flannel shirt. Right. And he's hanging out in the hallway. And afterwards, someone bought a case of beer and we all cracked it open. We were standing around drinking beer. Because he didn't need validation. He didn't need that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And then occasionally there's someone who they're not even the number one name on the call sheet or- of the show they're on, and there's a lot of demands. Of course, yeah, that's always the case. And I'd like to keep the limo afterwards, and I'd also, when I get there, this is what the temperature should be. Right, of course. And to me, that's the pathology of it a little bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Of course, that makes a lot more sense, of course. And when you meet an authentic person, there's a little piece of zinc in our brains as humanoids where we know, oh, okay, this person is authentic. This Woody Harrelson guy is not making shit up. He's real.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Cell phone tower, yes, yes. Yes. Well, I think he believes it. That's true. That is true. The truth is he believes it. That's true. What's made up is that he has a houseboat in Amsterdam. That's the bullshit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, it's not the same. Flea's just going to be doing bass scales the whole time. Really fast. And I'll be like, Jesus, Flea. Do you know another instrument? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This actually leads me to your film. Naturally. Which it does. It does. It leads me to your film because A Real Pain co-stars you and Kieran Culkin as cousins. I saw a trailer first, for I saw the film, as often happens. And the second I saw you and Kieran together, I was just, oh, this is going to be great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Thanks. Because I adore both of you. I think you're both fantastic actors, but you also both play very well different registers. The two of you play these cousins who in many ways could not be more different. For a movie that has a lot of dark and meaningful subtext. You two are so funny and real together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
There was a whole, he had to do a little time. He had to go away for a bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Why is Zach Braff and Donald Faison hugging each other on my tree?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Let's lay it out for people just because, you know, I never like to give too much away, but it is a really lovely movie and like a tone poem. But also it's a it's a it's a travel story. It's the story of two cousins that you're taking this very meaningful trip. Your grandmother. Mm hmm. She survived the war. She survived the camps in Poland.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
So you guys are coming back as part of this tour to tour Poland, see some of the sites, you visit a concentration camp, and then you go to see the home where she lived in a kind of Felix and Oscar way, you're so good at being very high strung and trying to hold it all together and very responsible. And he is so irresponsible in these very funny ways.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I was watching this movie thinking, well, there can be more movies where you two, I mean, you two characters can do anything.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
There was a, you know, it is actually a sentimental memory, but our first season, we premiered September 13th, 1993, when I was a 30-year-old kid, and the reviews were pretty much, this won't last. And There was a late night with Conan O'Brien Christmas ornament that someone made and gave to me. I remember to hang it on the tree in Christmas of 93 and kind of thinking, well, at least I got this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
There's also this feeling that we've all had. There are moments in the film where... you're meant to feel something. You're not quite feeling it in the same magnitude that you feel you should be feeling it. And I thought that is something we've all experienced where you go to a hallowed space or you're learning about something
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I mean, I'm a history buff and I've been to many places where very traumatic things happened. And then you're like, well, we're going to miss the tram if we don't get. You know, it's very weird. It's very weird. It's very weird to lay the two on each other.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And here we are, 70 years later, on a train with really cushy seats, eating this fancy meal in first class. This isn't right. And he goes storming off to go to another class. And one of the characters yells out, it's not gonna be that much worse than there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
To me, the beauty of the film is when you can kind of dance on a knife's edge between the darkness, but also the humanity that is people are imperfect. We don't always feel exactly what we're supposed to feel. There's always someone in the room who, if you say, oh my God, I just bit into this sandwich and it's got mold all over it. This is terrible. Oh yeah? Well, guess what? Yeah, exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Some people never got to have a sandwich and they're dead. And so you can't always pull it. No, I still want the good sandwich. I don't want mold on my sandwich. I'm sorry that someone else didn't get a sandwich 800 years ago, but God damn it, I want the good one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Not that that's a good feeling to have. Well, I had a similar experience. You know, your movie is about, because this is based on something you've done. You and your wife, your family have taken trips. Poland is very important to you. Yeah, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, seriously. And then all these years later, I look at it and I'm like…
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Man, you're chalking up the points left and right. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
But it'd be so cool to have it. Yeah, I can. I have some envy here because I my. I'm 100% Irish. Right. But the rule is your, I think your grandfather had to have been from Ireland.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It's this nice little feeling. I want to break that ornament. I know you do. I need to smash it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And it's my great-grandfather, so I do not qualify. But I've always thought, wouldn't it be amazing to have an Irish passport? Yeah. Because I could flee if there was an issue. Sure. Yeah, and I could escape from my crimes, my heinous crimes. Okay. Don't go anywhere.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
But I had the experience of going back to Ireland to shoot a show, this travel show we did for Max. And I'm shooting a lot of comedy and a lot of very silly stuff. And then there was one part where this woman took me to the actual plot of land that my great-grandfather lived on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I get there and I'm looking at this beautiful view, gorgeous view of the Galbally Mountains and like the ice in my heart started to melt a bit. Really? Yeah, I did. I felt very, and I said to her, I said, God, look at this view. And this is where he lives. She said, yeah, they lived in a, the shack is gone now, but this is where they lived.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I've looked at the records and it would have been basically a one, one or two rooms and they lived here and I'm looking at it and feeling very emotional and I said, well, this is so beautiful here because it was absolutely gorgeous. It was like an Irish spring ad, you know, it was just a gorgeous, you know, leprechaun Ireland in mountains in the distance.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, throw the Zach Braff Donald Faison ornament at it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And foolishly, I said to the woman, why did they... Why did he leave? Yeah. You know, and she said, because you can't eat the view. Oh, my God. And it was. There's the tagline for Ireland. I know. But, I mean, it was very powerful. Yeah. They had, there was not enough food. They didn't, you know, and she's just like, yeah, there are good, that's beautiful mountains.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You can't eat the feckin' mountains. They had to go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
That's amazing. Ha! Why you can't see South African mountains, can you? And then there was a burst of smoke and she turned into a bat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
smashing it uh but yeah so i mean i get sentimental i'm i pretend i work really hard at not being sentimental but i'm very sentimental you like to play the scrooge and i like to try to but then i'm a i'm a total mush about christmas time here's a big divisive thing where do you guys fall on tinsel on a christmas tree tinsel can go fuck itself you know what you've chosen a side yeah i'm i'm
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
view yes I was thinking that man would have looked at this he had to go I also knew very sad things about him he he back then there was no going back there was no writing to people there was no I mean a lot of people left they went to America my people went to central Massachusetts to farm country and starting in but this relative of mine who left struggled with alcoholism and it was a real problem for him and
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And just when people have said to me, oh, are you in touch with the people back home in Ireland? Well, no, there was no keeping in touch with anybody. They just went, you know, it was very dark. It was a very, and so anyway, your story, your movie had some resonance for me as it would for, I mean, I think so many people, so many of us are, Immigrants.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
We're all immigrants and it's much discussed in the news now, but all of us have moved on and all of us have come here and we're all curious about where we came from and it does sneak up on you. It gets emotional in a strange way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And it's the house that I've seen in the movie.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Mountains made of meatballs. Yeah. A pastrami volcano. Come to Poland. A view you can eat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I'm not a tinsel person. Growing up, there'd be some tinsel on our family tree, but I've never wanted it on our tree. It just looks like shredded aluminum to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Um, well, it's always difficult to feel the pressure to have an emotion because that's not how it's supposed to work. That's true. And, um, this is reminding me, uh, I've shot a bunch of shows around the world because I'm just very fascinated. I, you know, have a real wanderlust and I... I loved my talk show days, but I was always very jealous when someone like you would sit down next to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And next, you know, Jesse Eisenberg. Jesse, how are you? Well, I'm good. I just got back from Budapest where I was with it. And I would think, I've never been there. And I have to be in this seat I get to. I loved it. So the minute I started to invent this way to go to these different countries, and one of the countries that we went to was Armenia, and Sona came with me. And we were...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
shooting all this very fun stuff in Armenia and silly things. And you and I are dressing up as shepherds and we're in fields and we're wearing, you know, so we were shooting all this stuff. And then we went to...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
The genocide memorial. And suddenly, I mean, we're not idiots. I didn't go thinking, oh, this will be fun, you know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Hey, why am I feeling these feelings? What is this water coming out of my face? But we went there and it was, well, you take over.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Also, I always have... I don't know if you felt this or you felt that, but I'm so lucky to be here. Of course. That's the feeling I have. Of course.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, but it looks like someone left you a beautiful present of shit. I try to get my dog to eat a bow, a red bow, so that later I can put it under the tree. I say, look what I got you, honey. It's a shit bow.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yes. I'm enraged by people. We live in this world where we're in this business. We're extremely fortunate. And the thing that really angers me is when people act entitled. It makes me insane, except when I do it. Yeah, of course. But no, I get very angry at entitlement.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I profoundly understand that I'm here because a lot of people, this relative of mine, and it's not that long ago, late 19th century, said, I gotta go. and walked out of that town, made it to central Massachusetts. And there's all these other people that come after that, that don't get one, one billionth of my opportunities. Exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And then I'm here and standing on millions of shoulders, you know? And so that's the feeling I have. And I do think without getting overtly political, people forget that. People think I'm here because I made this happen. Of course. No, I didn't. I've made some things happen in my life. Right, but in the context of opportunity.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
In the context of amazing opportunities that everyone else provided for me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Okay, all right. Eisenberg! Okay, I don't know what it's like to be blessed with talent, but I did what I had to do. But no, it's like, it's such a, you know, going back to this film you made is about a lot. It's interesting. It's a very lovely film that's a very, and it sounds crazy, it's very enjoyable
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
to watch, it's a really good movie and it's beautifully scored and it's beautifully directed and you guys are terrific actors and it's got so much lightness in it and it's got, obviously it has some heaviness in it as well, but it's about so much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And it's not overt in that way, but it's just, it's one of those films where I watched it and I just thought, okay, I have, this is making me feel all kinds of stuff in a very good way. Oh, that's so nice. And I'm an unfeeling man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Why do I invite you back? I don't understand. I think I like the punishment, don't you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I saw on our Amex bill a $200,000 charge for, it said, Eisenberg therapy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, listen, I... Congratulations on A Real Pain. And this is not just me. Everybody is talking about this film, and I know it's awards season, but people are abuzz about this film, and rightly so. And congratulations. And also just, you know, I'm very proud to know you. I'm so sorry. No, I really do. I'm proud to know you. You have a lot of character, and I know you're tough on yourself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah. The really hard part is getting the dog to swallow a card that says, ha ha, this is shit. But if you can get it to swallow a bow and a card... And the dog and it all stays kind of together. It's fantastic. It's such a good prank. Yeah. Anyway. Happy holidays. Aren't you glad you listened? Hey, Merry Christmas, you two. Merry Christmas. Hey, you too. And happy holidays.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And you're a real human being, which doesn't always happen in this town. And so just a joy to have you here. Thank you so much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, we're going to edit all this out. Okay. We're going to add it. Once you leave, I stay for an hour, and it's just Eisenberg zingers. Got it, got it, got it. And then we tape in you going, aww. Well, I can't keep up. I can't keep up with Conan. And I'm like, yeah, another thing, Eisenberg. Zing, zing, zing, zing, zing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
How did he know? He's probably the funniest guy I've ever met. Hey, why does he sound like Jimmy Stewart?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, I made this movie. It's called Real Pain. I go back to, I go to Poland, you see.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Man, Conan, you're the funniest, funniest character I've ever met. And I swear to God, I've met them all.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
My people, we had to, you know, had to leave. We're in a shtetl. You got any borscht on you? I like a borscht. Mr. Smith goes to cross the stove. God bless you. You too. Jesse Eisenberg, man. Thanks a lot.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, no. No, I was just curious. I was just curious who they got after I turned them down. And then I turned them down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, they called me and I was like, well, I can't do it. And then Gorley was like, no, thanks. Which was really rude. No, thanks. I had a legitimate excuse. So this is exciting. What happened?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
So these are non-Armenians coming to an Armenian festival. Yes. Yes. And see, what did I tell you long ago? I have no idea. We unify people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, then what the fuck did you bring her up for? What's wrong with her? If he's listening, what is she doing? Just plugging her ears?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, no, they didn't drive from the Midwest to go to an Armenian festival. No, they didn't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Wow. I have to say, I am not familiar with the genre of fan fiction. I've heard about it, but I'm not familiar with what it actually entails. So he's writing fictitious things that happened to me. You're leaving out a major descriptor. Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I am an erotic character. Neurotic. You're thinking neurotic. Oh, aren't they the same? Yeah. I think I exude a sexuality.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, that's taking it too far. All inclusive. Oh. Well, just everyone. I just want everyone to have a good holiday. Be they Christian, be they not. Did you want to give us like Christmas bonuses and cash right now or anything? Oh, I could Venmo you. Okay. And Sona will probably tell you I know exactly how to Venmo people. That's the hardest I've seen Sona laugh in a while.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
See, this guy gets me. His name is Dean. Yes. Okay. Let me tell you something. When someone's repressed, if anything, it means there's more sexual energy because it's trapped. It is. I guess. You're right. You're right. So when you say like, I never think of you as you're so repressed. Yes. Yes. A volcano just before it blows. Yes. shooting its hot lava. Oh, gross. Oh, God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Uh-oh, now I'm thinking I know what Gorley's up to because he's looking at his phone. Yeah. And he's either, either there's a 1940s hat sale in the area. My erotic fixation. Oh, wow. Hamburg, yeah. Um,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You said... You thought he jizzed on... No, no, you're going down an awful road.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
First of all, this is not fiction. I remember Lily. LAUGHTER
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Wait, wait, wait. Don't read the text. So you can click on any of these and it will lead to something about me in that scenario or no?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
A bunch of things here. I am married. Her name's not Natasha. And I've never been invited to a Red Sox VIP suite. Nor what I... The Afflecks are always in there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Says the guy who calls his wife when she's in New York and I'm in L.A. and goes, can you Uber Eats me some of the chicken salad? Are you serious? I got better, but there was a while there where I was petrified. I'm sorry. It was new technology for a very old man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This might be one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Oh. Maybe went too far.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I shot a dominatrix segment in Berlin and I'm still in pain from it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, these are just the beginning. You're leading just the... These are just the...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It is too late. It's way too late. It should be called Way Too Late. Their hips clicked as they entwined. My skin hurts, said Conan. What was that? Said his sexual partner. I can't hear you because of my oldness. Ow, it hurts. Conan yelled, peeing pure blood into the toilet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Sona is giggling away uncontrollably. I don't know what's happening. Sona Massessi, and I see, of course, Matt Gorley. Hi. The whole gang's here, and feeling the holiday vibe. Are you feeling it? Oh, I love Christmas. You do? I truly do. You're a Christmas guy? I am, yeah. What do you, I'm guessing, do you go all out with the traditional stuff?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Hold on. This is getting good. But I'm glad someone is finally seeing me as a sexual being. Because I've been ignored too long in that category. And that's just what a sexual person would say. For far too long, my sexuality has not been seen, said the dynamo, the lothario.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Can I just say one thing? You have to stop now. Can I say one thing? I always pause at the clavicle. Do you? That's your move? That's your signature move? My signature move is the clavicle pause.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I'm not going to read. I know. You have to stop.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It's good for if you want yogurt after salad. We'll take a break. We'll be right back. I'm stopping you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This stuff is... Well, then stop. You keep doom scrolling through it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Or she'd be in Seattle visiting her parents and I'd be like, um, I really like that turkey burger. And she'd be like, yeah, yeah, you just get it. It's, you know, you know, it's on, what is it called? Chomp, chomp, chomp.net? That's it. Chomp.net. Chomp.net? Throw a couple my way and I'll tell you which one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You know what? It's nice to be appreciated. Let's put it that way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Can you guys just be quiet? I'm trying to read. Okay. I'm going to end the segment. Yes. But I'm glad that you hosted the Armenian Ma Ma Ma event.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, it sounds like these people really care about your culture. Sona's there. We can read her our smut. Well, anyway, thanks for caring and for sharing to our fans. Put that down. Put the phone down. I want to hear the phone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Grubhub. DoorDash. DoorDash. Postmates. Postmates. Okay. Postmates. There it is. I'd say, hey, honey, I like that turkey burger. And she'd be like, well, I'm in Thailand right now at a meeting. And I'd be like, yeah, yeah. And I'm asleep. Yeah, yeah. I like that turkey burger. Can you get it on chompchomp.gov? And she'd say, do you mean Postmates? And I'd go, yeah. Just send it over to the house.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You were young, a young fellow. That's right. This is back when I had a steam powered computer. We had to wait for it to heat up to work. That's right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You have a piece of paper. You go like, I got the research notes. And I say, what? And you'd say permission to come aboard. And I go, permission denied. Now, I think that's quality leadership. Yeah. Anyway, shit bow. That's the way to go this Christmas. Get your dog to eat a bow. And then give that to someone as a present. Shit bow. Coming soon to a theater near you. Theater? No, it's not a movie.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You just slid the wrap at me. It's a wrap sign that you slid to me a second time and I just keep ignoring it. That's what I'd do if I was a teller and someone slid a piece of paper that said this is a robbery. I'd say, yeah, and another thing. Shit bow. And then they'd slide it again. This is a robbery.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Triple wrap that shit. Get your dog to eat some tinsel and you've got some shiny shit. Look, we've got families we've got to get home to for Christmas. And I'm trying to rob a bank. Happy holidays, everyone. Christmas. Or whatever. Yeah. All right, you guys, let's get serious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Hey, guys, quit screwing around. And so enough with the poo-poo jokes. My guest today is an actor, director, author, and playwright who's probably left after that intro, who has starred in such movies as The Social Network and Zombieland. Now you can see him in his new movie, A Real Pain, which he also wrote and directed, and it's fantastic. I watched it, and I love it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I'm very excited he's here today. I'm a big fan of this gentleman. Jesse Eisenberg, welcome. I'm going to quickly recap that I met you many, many, many years ago. You did The Squid and the Whale. I think it was the first time I met you. Yeah. You must have been... How old were you then? I was 21. 21 years old. I just adored you immediately, I think.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Do you have lots of stuff you put out, little holiday trinkets? I think so, yeah. What do you mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And then I've mentioned this before, but several days later, one of the loveliest handwritten notes I've ever received showed up. I've mentioned this last time. But... And I thought there's something different about this person. He's oozing with like character and gentility in this kind of old world way. And then you've gone on and you've had this extraordinary career. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I'm just so happy for you. Thank you so much. And I feel like, To pat myself on the back, I feel like I called it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This isn't about, this is what I'm really good at, pretending it's about, you know, Jesse. Right. But then it's about me. Okay. I called it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I am. I'm a sentimental old sap about Christmas. I really am. Yeah. Are you, Sona?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, but like, you know, it's even sicker. My immediate thought is he saw the real me. Yeah, that's how I feel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I mean, it means a lot to me. And and you've gone on and I'll I'll mention this up front and we'll we'll talk. There's so much I want to talk about. And we're going to get to this film you made you. I mean, let's let's take it off you. wrote, directed, you co-star in it with Kieran Culkin and this extraordinary cast. You made this film and it's absolutely beautiful.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And it's got people ranting and raving in a good way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had people ranting and raving in not a good way. It's called A Real Pain and we'll talk about that. But what was special for me was to watch this movie and see that, oh, you are a consummate artist. You've made this beautiful thing with such aplomb and it will endure.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
First of all, I know you celebrate it a little later on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I always have this connection with you from that time that you sent me that note and I had that nice first meeting with you. And then here you are all these years later and you're doing extraordinary work and I'm just so happy for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No. It's funny. Occasionally. Yeah. I, you know, Stalin did a lot of bad stuff. Right. No, no, no. No. No, but sometimes I'd be like, come on, you can do it, Stalin. You can turn this around. And you were really young at the time. I was very, I'm older than people think. Sure. I was born in 1911. Do the math. No, I can separate. There are people who do excellent work and are not good people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I do believe in separating the two. You are a man who's, I think, has real character and you do exceptional work. I like it when the two come together, but they don't have to. Got it. Do you know what I mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And there are how many artists can you see, you know, whose work is hanging on the wall and you later learn, or amazing athletes who were absolutely deplorable human beings. But I still applaud their athleticism.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I mean, Stalin's been dead a long time and I still talk him up. I think he could still get me. He could still get me. It's funny. We probably have a few things in common. I grew up with my share of anxiety. and hated going to school.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I didn't want to leave my house, but I still to this day can remember the carpool ride from my house on Kennard Road to the Michael Driscoll School, every second thinking, okay, we're not there yet. Like just filled with that kind of, like your mouth tastes like aluminum. You have so much anxiety. And I've later thought, well, I hate to say it, but it probably... contributed some things to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I know that you have this struggle too. Yeah. I've had many therapists and many people tell me, well, you didn't need that. You'd have been, and I don't trust them. It's like Dumbo's feather. I think I needed that. I don't know where you come down on all this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I don't want to be that house. You don't know the house that has. They have a thing now. I saw an ad where they project. You can put little projectors that project like candy canes, snowflakes and snowflakes and little Santas and reindeer. And they crisscross your entire house. And I think I would go insane. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, but... More and more, I think I'm here out of a weird compulsion that I don't have a control over. And I think about you and your anxiety and you are not the typical, hey, put that light on me. Right, exactly. Because I'm ready to shine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
But something pushed this young, anxious kid. I mean, I know that you were so anxious as a child getting on the bus to go to school. Yeah, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I'm trying to do the math and I don't see how it affects the operation of the vehicle. Oh no, it could, yeah, I could see leap down into the transmission.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I can't. I'm picturing all of your products have tiny little guns. And every now and then in your house, you're trying to sleep and you hear a... A tiny little shot. You go in and, oh, my hairdryer's dead. Sometimes they leave a little note. If I had to listen to him pronounce Socratic bullshit one more time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Oh my God, my stomach hurts. My chest hurts. My whole body falling apart.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Nose trimmer. Yeah. And then you went to the trouble to replace the blade.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Wait a minute, wait a minute. I don't see a huge difference. Well, that's telling that you don't see a difference between those two objects.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Little scissors. Oh, thanks for saying you don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Wait a minute. Why do you have to bring that up? That's hurtful.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Is that personally insulting? I still do big gigs. I still do live shows. Of course.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
My nose is not pumping out tons of hair every day.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I make little, I'm like Edward Scissorhands, I make little topiaries. I have a little dinosaur in this one and I have a lizard in that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Would you like me to tell you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay. I get very bad. I have very sensitive skin. And when I shave my throat, I get those razor bumps. You're telling me you deliberately leave that hair there? You think that looks better than a red neck? No, I don't deliberately. I don't deliberately leave it there. Do you see it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I shave it, but sometimes I try to do a cursory job so I don't irritate the skin too much, and maybe I leave a stray hair. And you know what? This is hurtful. No, this is not a stray hair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You've got 15 in a bag, you motherfucker. Give me one. Why are you saying I have to buy one? I'm not giving you one of these. Yes, you are. I employ you. What are you talking about? I'll buy one from you for twice its price. You paid $8. I'll give you $16. This is priceless to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'll give you $200. I'll give you $200. Okay. Say yes! Shake on it. That's 200 clams that you're going to get. You made a huge profit on that. Give it to me right now. Do I have $200 on me? I don't know if I do. Maybe I do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. I go to strip clubs sometimes. I think that's, you were yelling at me and you upset me because you said that my face was all fucked up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay, there's 100. Really, 200? You offered 200. I know, but what if I take it down a little bit now? No. I'll give you 100. Hold on, hold on. You want 200 seals the deal? Yeah. Okay, there it is. It's $200. Okay, which one do you want? Why don't you choose? Do you want this one? No, I want one in a box, asshole. I don't want one that's been up your ass two hours ago.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Oh, what do you use for that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
What goes up there? Seriously.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. I think the other's been displayed at times, frankly. What battery does this take? That takes a AA battery. Do we have a AA around here? I'd like to try and see if I can get this thing going.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, first of all, that's your doing, not mine. You've been paid a salary since almost day one. Is there any way I can turn him down a bit? The other one on your left thigh. Yeah, it's just, it's awful. Well, you had another guest in here at the same volume. What was the problem there? That was someone I respected. That was Tracy Ellis Ross. She's fantastic. Your other thigh. Why is the button?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
It's okay. This is brand new.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So what you're hearing is the actual grinding of some hair. I think I did a pretty good job with scissors. Not from what I'm hearing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I do hope you're murdered soon. This is a new nostril.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. This is better than the scissors.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Look at you now. You know what I love? I love that your look at you now is about this. You know, it's supposed to be about something bigger, like, you said that you were better than me, and that was 50 years ago, but now I encounter you when you're a hobo. Look at you now!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
But you use it on, you said that my information was incorrect, but I suggested this nose hair trimmer, and now you're using it. Look at you now! It's so small.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Jordan, if I wanted to demand the best in everything, explain your presence.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You're right. You're right. All fair points. And I am going to use this, and I appreciate it. Again, let's get the word out on the Panasonic ER-GN11, only available in Japan. You can't get this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. I just love that you have this sad little bag. I don't know. I'm sorry. Come on. Don't stare at me with hate. You have to admit you have a little...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Why is this goddamn? Oh, oh, oh, that's great. Oh, that's great. I said your left thigh. Why did you even have it in the same room? Why didn't you put the switch?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. Now be honest. Have you used it on the ass? Be honest. No. Have you used anything on the ass? No. Have you ever looked back there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Not that I'm aware of. Sometimes when you're in a certain transcendental state, you might take a look.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
That's a very personal question. Yeah. It was just asked of me, so I'm familiar with the question. All right. Well, I think this has been a very successful segment once again. Jordan has hoodwinked me. It's a good product. Did I pay too much? Yes, I did. Will I try and get the money out of Frank Smiley afterwards? Probably. Will I also keep the Panasonic ERG-N11? Yes, I will.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So I'm determined to come out ahead, but I'm going to let it go for now. But yes, during the show, it will have all the appearances of me shelling out 200 clams. Oh, quick advice. Where does the hair go?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, guess what? Yeah. That's Conan O'Brien nose hair. Yeah. I could sell that. They sell Elvis's sweat. I could sell Conan O'Brien's nose hair. And you know what? There'd be someone listening right now who would want to buy it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Someone's been listening and they're on the line? Yes. That's fantastic. Let's put this person on the line. This is exciting. What if I can sell my nose hair? Let's patch through. Hello, this is... I'm told this is Stephanie in Illinois. Stephanie, are you there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, I mean, day isn't much. I was hoping you'd say like week or month, but... Okay. I'll take, you know what? I'm going to take day. I'm not going to get greedy. Stephanie, it's very nice to talk to you. As you know, we've been, I just use this amazing product. I trim the insides of my nose, my nostrils. And I was talking about maybe someone would buy my nose hair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Is that something that you would ever consider?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
When you said you would consider it, it sounds like you'd consider it for a microsecond.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah, you know what? I respect you because I think only an idiot would buy my nose hair. And I think you made the right call. Tell me a little bit about yourself, Stephanie. What's your occupation?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Seriously? Yeah. So this is good because I'm sitting here. I do this show occasionally with, I guess I'm going to call him a friend of mine. I don't know what the term is. Jordan Schlansky. Are you familiar with him at all?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay. People seem to know him. A lot of people stop me and ask me, what's the deal with Jordan? And I want to say that I've spent a good chunk of my life trying to explain him to other people. You say that you're a psychologist?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
yes and so you are trained to understand um the human psyche the mind behavioral patterns you've probably done personality uh tell me and and jordan's here you can say hello hello stephanie yeah what what is your take on jordan schlansky hello
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Oh, that was a that was a pause. Oh, my God. That's not good. That's not a good sign. I thought we had I thought all communications had dropped and that you had gone off the grid. That was a pause because you don't know what to say. That's stunning.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, I mean, let's talk. Do you want to have any questions for Jordan?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Let's get into it. He just walked into your office. You're familiar with some of his videos. Let's imagine, you know, Jordan, you've seen his videos and he walks into the office. Um, and, uh, let's get to it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, listen, you are referencing a podcast interview.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm sorry. You're just describing the human species.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You're talking you're talking about Homo sapiens. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about you specifically. And and, you know. Well, I feel content.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
What I want to say, Jordan, is that you are not you say you're content, but all you ever do when we talk is bitch at me that you don't think you've gotten enough out of the Conan O'Brien.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Excuse me. I'm going to let you jump in here, Stephanie, because if I don't bully him out of the way, you'll never get a chance.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I supported your train of thought. All I mentioned was Tracee Ellis Ross was the previous person here. All I mentioned is an aspect of the Tracee Ellis Ross interview. Right, which no one listening to this right now on SXM has probably listened to yet. So everything you're doing right now is just babbling like a chimp. You're babbling like a chimp about various liquefied fats.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So you're saying, so basically what you just said is you're a normal guy. 40% of people despise you. 40% are fine with you, and then 20% in the middle have no opinion. That does not sound, Stephanie, to me, like the normal response an average human gets. What do you think?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Stephanie, let me ask you quickly. You're the expert here, and I'd like to hear a lot more from you and a lot less from Jordan. But my take here is I hear a lot of smooth talking from Jordan, a lot of words, a lot of sing-songy cadence, mannerisms, but it almost feels like it's talking to cover up. Is that what you're hearing, too?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So you're saying that maybe I could be the issue is maybe what you're saying.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Jordan, let's stick to the basics, okay? You've come in very hot. All I'm trying to say is you and I have known each other for 30 years. I've supported you. I've paid your salary.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yes, it's like when they first caught Ted Bundy, he was quite chatty, pleasant, saying to everyone at the jail, it's so nice to see you, what a lovely jail, because that had always worked for him in the past. Is that the analogy that you're making right here, Stephanie?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Sure, as all aliens do when they visit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I did do that recently, Stephanie. So he was sitting way across from me on an airplane flight. And I yelled across. We were on a shooting a travel show and I shouted way across the aisles in front of everyone on the plane just so I could make a ridiculous face at him. And I did it because I saw his face and it was just had no expression. It was lifeless. It was a mask.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And I had I mean, I was sitting on an airplane.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I think American Airlines deserved more. They do a good job and you could have given them something. And so I needed to the pond was too placid and I needed to drop a stone in and watch the concentric rings. Do you understand that, Stephanie?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
There was no magic. I just saw a weird face across the aisle wearing the same T-shirt you always wear, staring straight ahead. And it was annoying. Stephanie, why don't you break in and you talk for a little bit so that Jordan can go ahead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So you're saying that anyone who performed even the most negligible task on Late Night with Conan O'Brien 30 years ago should be a billionaire.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I usually say we think it's a childhood accident. Yeah. That's the best I can come up with. And that tends to they they just nod and go, yeah. You know, and I say I don't really know what it was, if it was, you know, a truck that stopped too fast and there was a railroad spike in the back and it took out some kind of traumatic brain injury. Yeah. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You know, those X-rays you see where there's a skull and there's a the the the giant spike going right through it. But they tell you the guy lived and he's a practicing lawyer. That's I'm always guessing that it was some kind of event like that, that there's a piece that's missing from Jordan that should be there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
But because someone in a Ford F-150 left a railroad spike in the back and then stopped short, Jordan has been an alien his whole life. Jordan, what do you think?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm sorry. It's the Conan and Jordan show and it's on the Conan channel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
OK, so I guess that would make me the judge.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
It's like you're this guy that wandered into the Supreme Court in your loud suit and you're shouting up at a Supreme Court justice. Who are you to judge? I'm a Supreme Court justice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Stephanie, can you just step in quickly and tell Jordan that I'm better than him?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I love that that's coming from. Oh, my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
That settles it. Thank you very much, Stephanie. You're a wonderful person. And thank you. Thank you so much for calling into the show and for settling this question. And that's science. That's real science right there. Yeah, clearly that I'm better than you. And Stephanie, best of luck to you. Well, thank you so much, Stephanie. Really nice talking to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
She was lovely. She was. And also, I think she she nailed it. I think she just really nailed it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
We didn't know. Yeah, we didn't know. It was an accident. It was a psychologist. And who knew that it would be a psychologist who immediately took you apart? Yeah. and deduce that you are the monstrous freak that you are. Hey, that's all the time we have for now. Okay. And that's not really true. I have plenty of time left, but I just can't do this anymore. So I'm going to wrap this up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Do you say, hey, stewardess, get over here and give me some of those bag nuts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
That's been this episode of the Conan and Jordan show. I think we made big progress. We learned a lot about a lot of things. And then a pretty much a woman of science said that I win and Jordan loses. Clearly a sound psychological opinion. We'll see you next time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
This is your big reward. Yes. Of all the people who started interning with me way back in whatever, 1995, 96. I think as I look around, you're the only one that has your own show with Conan O'Brien on SXM. So shut up. Shut up. Kind of like a Trumpy voice. Shut up. You're fired. You know, that kind of Trump thing. You're fired. Right. Right. Isn't that a funny impression?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm just saying that you're sitting here now. Yeah. You are one half of a show that's on SXM, and you should be grateful for that. Yeah, I am. Do you see other interns that you started with? These things are not mutually exclusive. The other interns you started with are all dead or in jail. You are here with your own show on the SiriusXM dial. Okay. Okay? Yes. So just settle down. Sure.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Now, I do want to talk to you about something kind of exciting. Okay. You mentioned on a previous episode of the Conan and Jordan show, I just keep looking over at the graphic to make sure this is really happening. Because this is a nightmare for me. You mentioned earlier that you had once entered a Guinness contest. That's true. Where you write a limerick. I wrote a limerick.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm saying you mentioned at the time. And so that's why I was using the past tense. I was talking about what you did do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I very much wish I had a firearm, but that's beside the point. You, if I'm not mistaken, said that you entered this contest. And at that time, you wrote a limerick. I did. As part of the contest. You liked your limerick. And I remember thinking, that's a pretty good limerick. Do you want to repeat it for us? Oh, yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I think that's very good. I'm serious. That is a very good... You entered it and you did not win. And what was the prize?
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You get to own a pub. Even better. And can you imagine... Owning a pub. I was just there. Owning a pub in Ireland would be just amazing. Right. Fantastic. It could be a dream. That's like having a, you know, an Airbnb on the water in Maine. That's just like a quintessential wonderful experience. You entered and you did not win. Is that correct?
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
It's not on. It's not on. It's so funny. I just thought, wow, he really has no personality. I couldn't hear you. Let's try it again. Say hi. Hi. You got to leave that in. It's just too good. Now I hear you, and I prefer it the other way. Listen, Eduardo, it's not your fault. A lot of sound engineers forget to turn on one of two mics. I'm not sorry. Uh...
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I was never notified about any development one way or the other. Well, I have the information here. Okay. And the winner, the 1996, that's when you entered? Somewhere around there. Guinness Essay Contest winner was Shan Weston from Friday Harbor, Washington. I don't know Friday Harbor. Of course, my wife is from Washington.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I think near the San Juan Islands. Yeah, the San Juan Islands, which I'm quite familiar with. I've been there with my bride. Great wine in Washington State, by the way. Let's just stay on track. Retired wildlife education coordinator. She won. She entered the contest and she won... The Schoenecke Pub in County Clare. She won a pub. Oh, well, there's a picture. There she is. Oh, yeah.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
She won the contest that you failed to win. And 55,000 people in the United States entered the contest. And she won.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Frank, well, first of all, you look like a lot of things, and it's all-encompassing. Frank, you've done the research on this, and you've talked to Guinness, and they said that the contest that Jordan entered it did not have to be a limerick.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay. Anyway, Guinness, I'm sure they're going to rescind this once they hear your insane rant, but Guinness did respond to your limerick. Okay. They got back to us with their own limerick. Oh. And here's how it goes. There once was a man who loved Guinness. He entered a competition feeling ambitious. Still upset he didn't win with 30 years in the bin. Jordan, please accept a pint as forgiveness.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And Guinness has sent Guinness over for everyone at Larchmont, that's our company here, to enjoy. So, Jordan, you didn't win, but I'm getting a free Guinness, which is nice. And I don't know why Frank's getting one. What the fuck did he do? It's important. I set this up. You did? Yeah.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You're pouring that wrong and it's making me crazy. I took a Guinness pouring class and you're doing that all wrong. It's making me insane. Anyway, that's okay. That's all right. I don't have a glass because you only look after number one. Oh, you have a glass. You just didn't want to share it with me. That's great. When I said that was all sarcastic, I don't really think it's right.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
We're also joined by Frank Smiley, who's here to help us out, navigate these waters and maybe intervene if a fistfight should break out. That's right. You know, Jordan, how many years have we been together? Approximately 30. Approximately 30 years. You came to work for me as a very young man and fretted your life away. Sure. You have built me a relationship. incredible amount of money.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not going to touch that line with a 30 foot pole.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Can I just say one thing? You're supposed to imagine there's usually a harp on any Guinness glass and you imagine on the first pour, you get it, you angle it, you hit the side of the glass and you go up to the harp and then you wait for the head to settle. Because these are from cans, it's not quite the same experience, but then you finish it up and I'll do that in just a minute.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Jordan, you didn't win, but we got our free Guinness, which is nice. Yeah. And I think they just, if I'm not wrong, Guinness, we just talked about Guinness for about 15 minutes and we were each paid one can of Guinness, which makes Guinness really smart and us incredibly stupid.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
How do you know why I haven't been paid off? Frank, very possible that you had us talk about Guinness for a really long time because there's going to be Frank Smiley's pub in the town of Billy Galili on the coast of Gali Balali. So I wouldn't put anything past him.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And frankly, while I appreciate the sentiment, I see now why you lost the contest as a beer hater. Well, here I am with my limerick about Guinness known beer hater, Jordan Schlansky. Yeah. I once tasted something I hated and then I knew I was faded. And then this rest, you know, to lose the contest, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I took mine off the table when I realized we weren't getting paid for this. Frank, who probably is getting a pub, has kept his can on the table. You should take yours off because you're getting nothing out of this. I didn't know you could win a pub. That's so cool. Sounds a little bit like a headache, though. Not at all. No, no, no. There's never any problems in an Irish pub. All right. All right.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
We're going to take a little break. Okay. We'll come back with more of the Conan and Jordan show. And we're going to have show and tell. We're going to have show and tell. Oh, that'll be interesting. Jordan, show and tell. Okay. Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky. We have a little segment here.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
This is called Jordan Show and Tell, where you've brought something into the studio that has some resonance for you. That's correct. And you want to show it to us?
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay, well, if you're hearing that classic tune, it means you're listening to The Conan and Jordan Show. And this is a show where I, Conan O'Brien, sit with, well, there's no other better way to say it, my nemesis, my foe, someone who over the years has irritated me to an incredible degree, Mr. Jordan Schlansky. Hi. Did you, is your microphone on?
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I don't know what you do. We've never quite figured out what your task was on the old late night show or now. Did you say I built you money or I've milked you? Bulked. Bulked. B-I-L-K-E-D. As in Sergeant Bilko, as in bilked him. I took him for a ride. I squeezed him for cash.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So this, let me explain to the viewer. You've just handed me what looks like a very small vibrator. Okay. And it's a Panasonic. Yeah. And this is from the 90s, 2000s?
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Nevertheless... If it was around you for 20 years, it probably killed itself.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
To cut a tiny little gun and shot its brains out. LAUGHTER Have you noticed that a lot of your products commit suicide at a certain point?