Conan O'Brien
Appearances
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Are they going to be able to keep their mouths shut? Because you do want it to be a surprise when you give her the ring.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
She's an intelligent woman. I'm assuming she's not listening, so I think you're okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Do you think her parents are going to have a lot of input on what the ring is, or do you get to choose that freely?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
She already knows. What would she want? I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
But do they know what she wants? Because you keep talking about what, you know, Eduardo brings up a good point, which is they know what their preferences are, but what's her preference?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Well, I think it's all going to go swimmingly. I just want to make sure that it's a nice surprise. You know, that when you pull that ring out of yourself, that it's a surprise.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
How is that even working? If he times it right, he can say, honey, get over here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
No, no, no. No, no, no. He's got to rinse it first. You can't just pull it out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Get over here now. Get over here now. Did you just say squat? He's going to squat now. He's going to squat? No, come on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Your fiance can never listen to this. You could fire it across the room.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Stick your finger out, honey. No. Here she comes. Your parents helped me pick it out. Your parents picked it out a week ago. And then I ate it with a lot of corn.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Reheal. I'm looking right now at a transcript of this entire conversation and I see that I've made no missteps whatsoever. Everything I've said is rational and should be done. So congratulations. No, Raheel, you are a impressive young man. I think you're going to have a great career. I wish you the best with this proposal. I think it's all going to go swimmingly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
And I hope I bump into you in person someday because I like you. You're a fine fellow. Really think seriously about swallowing the ring. Just think about it. It's a good idea.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Hi, Raheel. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Hey, everybody.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
It's such a dedication it takes in the field of medicine. There is no preparation for being in comedy. Yeah. There's no it's I am ashamed. I'm ashamed that you just get to dive in and be an ass and and whatever. Start getting to practice immediately. I'm so impressed by the fact that you've had you've spent years and years and years of your life preparing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
And I'm glad you have, because I'm sure you're going to be very good at what you do. You're going to help save a lot of lives.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Yeah. How are you? First of all, where are you contacting us from?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Okay. I've talked about this a lot, but can you hook me up with propofol? Oh, jeez.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Because I've, you know, when I've had colonoscopies, they give me this drug propofol, and I've talked about it before, but it's the happiest I've been in my entire life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
It's an absolutely amazing feeling and it's miraculous. And so if you can become my secret illegal supplier of propofol, I don't see how anyone traces it back to us. I don't see one way that it leaks out and it's tracked back to us. That's just what I'm saying. By the way, I'm terrible at committing crimes. Have you performed any colonoscopies? Is that something that they've trained you to do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Can I just say, I hate to interrupt, but Raheel, doesn't that kind of suck for the patient? If you're saying like, yeah, you know, first year, you're just jamming a camera in there. You don't know what you're doing. It's banging up against stuff and you just have to kind of force it. Isn't that, I mean, you don't want to be, I don't want to encounter you at that stage, Raheel, as a patient.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Very nice. And tell us a little bit about yourself, Raheel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
You're right. Okay. So I wake up and I don't know what's happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Even though you've been banging around in there for three hours. What do you mean banging around in there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit TeamCoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Good, good. I would think when is the I would think the technology is going to improve to the point where you just swallow like a little pill or something and it works its way through your system really quickly. And the pill comes out the other side and said, everything is fine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
See, that's the problem is technology replaces a lot of, I mean, I'll be replaced by AI in about a year.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Okay. That's good to know. Just let me, give me a heads up. Ratings might go up. All right. That's nice. That's nice. Let's turn up the knob on the comedy portion of the Conan. Hey, it's working. Well, I think that's fantastic. Now, what about you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Does looking at people's intestines, has it at all adjusted or informed the way that you eat or the way that you treat your body when you look at other people's intestines?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
And, um, that's fascinating to me. So you're telling them, well, it's really good to, you know, eat a lot of roughage and don't eat processed foods. And it's really good to avoid the, and then you don't listen to it at all.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Okay. All right. Are you pretty healthy? Are you a healthy eater other than when you're at work? Let's say you're not at work. Are you fairly healthy about your diet?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Oh, good Lord. That's impressive. You're a gastroenterologist. And what was the other field too?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Right. Yeah, I'm not a big lentil guy, I'm going to tell you right now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
I mean, I don't think I've ever said, hey, I need me some lentils. Yeah. You know? Or when I'm in a restaurant, it's not the first thing I ask the waiter. Hey, you got lentils? No. What's the lentil situation? Let's run down the list of the lentils. What's the lentil of the day? Exactly. I want to see the lentil sommelier come out and taste the lentil. So do you fast ever? I do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Because that's a big thing now. People believe that fasting and I would like your opinion on this because I know people that fast and they say it's good for them. And now there's a lot of science that's saying fasting is good. But I always wonder, is it one of those things where 10 years from now they're going to tell us, actually, it's terrible for you. We changed our minds, you know?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Hi, doctor. Can you tell us what you're seeing on Instagram?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Hello, doctor. Tell me what's on TikTok. Go ahead. Sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Hepatology is blood? Liver. Liver. Ooh. Ooh. Sorry. So liver connected to intestine. Yes. Intestinal tract. That all makes sense. Okay. Yeah. And we'll clean that up. What do you want me to do? What?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
What is that? Can you tell me specifically what your religion is?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Yeah. I mean, no food of any kind, or can you take some sustenance?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Okay. I have questions. As a doctor, do you think that that's okay to go eight days without any food other than water?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Are you even able to get out of bed on the eighth day? Are you debilitated?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
That's because your body is eating itself. On day seven, hey, I don't feel so bad. Yeah, you just ate your heart. Your body's like, I'm good. Yeah, liver's gone, heart's gone. Now I'm working on the third rib. I mean, it's all it's all it's fascinating to me because clearly there is a large religious component in many religions.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
There's a big religious component to denying yourself food, fasting, going without and people feeling like they reach a higher plane or. Or that they feel that they've gained something by seeing what they could do by denying themselves. So there's clearly some kind of link here. It's just we don't know, obviously, completely what the science is. And maybe it's different for all kinds of people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
What do you, is the, is it, do you, do you get a, a, you know, like a nine tiered hamburger? What do you get? I mean, I know you're a vegetarian. I'm just thinking about what I would do. I would, I would try to go to in and out and say, can you make a hamburger that has nine patties that structurally sound like a deck of cards?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Yeah, just so I know what hepatology is. Anyway, so you'll do as you're told. Okay, I'm sorry, Raheel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Yeah, I want a car dealer in here, a really good one to shuffle the patties and make a nine tiered sandwich. And then I want my jaw unlocked so I can eat it in one bite. What is your what is what do you when you when you when you would break fast, what would you eat?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
I'm a big fan of lentil water. Don't get me wrong. I am a foe of the lentil. That is my lifelong foe is the lentil, but lentil water and I are best chums.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Right, right. Do you have a question for Conan, Rahil?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Okay, your question is you don't want to purchase the ring from the parents. Is that it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Are you assuming they're not going to give you the best deal that they might be trying to make a profit off of?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Do you get along with your girlfriend's parents?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
No, I do. I do. They're lovely. They're lovely. Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
So my guess is they're going to give you a good deal. But that's the assumption that, you know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
He can't go anywhere else. He can't go to another jeweler. So they're just going to be like, oh, he's going to pay whatever we tell him to pay. I would pay like three times the price.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
I don't know these people. I don't know who they are. You tell me they're nice people. I'm questioning whether you have to buy the ring from them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Now, I've always heard hepatology is the study of the liver. Is that correct?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Well, you could say, Rahil, that it's important for you that the ring you give your future wife have passed through your body.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Oh, that's not what I thought. I said, I just want to be an independent man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
No, no. And it's important to you that, A, you buy the ring and then it passed through your GI tract. Okay. Because that's such an important part of your life. And they're not going to want to sell you one of their rings once they hear that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
It's a symbol of what you do, your profession, what you're giving your life to, but also you are willing to process this ring in every way that a human can process something. And then they're going to not want to sell you a ring at that point.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
No, because there's a good chance it'll get stuck in there like a sunflower seed.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
It's not. What? Raheel, you'll buy a ring that will pass easily through the lower bowel, will you not? Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Thank you. I never make mistakes when it comes to medicine because I, too, am well-trained. Well, first of all, congratulations. You're a young man, and it seems like you're very well-educated, and that's very cool, and you're going to help a lot of people. Tell us a little bit about your training. What are you interested in? Well, first of all, have you worked with a lot of patients so far?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
And you can also encase it in a prune or something.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
It's going to go through pretty quick. Don't eat the ring. Don't eat the ring.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
One Ring To Rule Them All
Oh, you're telling me that what I'm telling him is stupid. How is it stupid that he buy a ring, stick it in a prune, eat it, pass it through his body, clean it off and give it to his wife and bypass his her parents who are jewelers? I don't see one problem with that plan. Raheel, what do you think? I could get behind most of it. Well, listen, in all seriousness, I think you buy the ring from them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Well, it would have to be asked. No, that's coming on the way out. You interview them on the way in, and that way the interviews have to be short because they really can't hang out long.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Yeah, we had we had years and years ago we did a sketch and it's all a misunderstanding, but it was a perfectly fine sketch. But one of our writers went there but didn't fill out the correct paperwork or something. So we ended up on some list. But I think it's all being taken care of. So, you know, awesome.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
No, I have to. And it's talk show etiquette. I guess you have to. You have to. Yeah, you have to shake their hands. And often I just want to say in all the years that I did talk shows, which was almost 30 years, often I could tell they had just used the restroom and not wipe their hands. True story. True story. Al Roker, serial offender. Disgusting, disgusting man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
You'd hear the flush and he'd come out just as he was introduced. And you could tell those hands haven't been washed. They're dry. Roker, not Roker. Like I said, great idea for the show. I love it that I'm pitching myself to Nikhil in Bangalore, India, and he's not enthused.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
And also surreal. It's a little bit of a fever dream, it feels like almost, yes. Exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
I'm intrigued by, there's a lot of things that impressed me with Nikhil. I think that you are a, I think he's, you just seem like a natural to me. You're very funny. And I think you'd be, I think you are a terrific talk show host. I can tell just by chatting with you. Thank you. I'm intrigued by this idea you have for a new talk show in Bangalore.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
I'm a little intrigued by this roommate who's a fan. You say a big fan?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
We all thought it. Nikhil, in a house with all these guys, the one who's a big Conan fan is called Anus.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Yeah, we wouldn't even probably mention that, you know, it probably won't even come up because it'll all get taken care of. Trust me, I don't think it's a big problem.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Your biggest fan is named Anus and your portrait is hanging between two bathrooms.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
This is fantastic, Nikhil. I feel enlightened. I feel lifted. Well, I like you. You're a fine fellow, I think. And I do think you've got what it takes. I really do. I think you're a natural. Do you think that I'd be able to help you get your concept for a talk show where you go to people's houses? Do you think I could help you get that off the ground if I came to Bangalore?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
It's totally normal in this business to invite people to do an interview in their bedroom. Yeah. Oh, that's how I got started.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Oh, well, yes, I could be a guest. I could also maybe give you some pointers from my almost 30 years of experience. And what about my fee? Do we talk about that now or is that something that comes up later?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Just very late. You're going to do very well, Nikhil. You're going to do very, very well in this business. Thank you. Hey, Nikhil, I really, I like talking to you and I hope we get to cross paths because that would be very cool.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
I really do think we're talking about, I think it's low blood sugar. I really do. You just seem to lose all energy at different points, Nikhil. You have to keep some almonds in your pocket, okay? Chocolate-covered almonds. All right, I'm going to make sure. That's my first tip as a talk show host. Almonds in your pocket. That saved Colbert. I told him that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
I can see him lose energy, and he's been a superstar ever since. Perfect. Saved his career. Hey, thank you so much, Nikhil. Very cool to talk to you, and we'll see what happens. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. Take care. Bye-bye.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Well, wait a minute, Nikhil. Nikhil, you are a talk show host. It sounds like you're a very successful one. You've done this show with Netflix stars. Now, here's the catch.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Well, I like to say I won an Oscar because it sounds cool. But I didn't. But Nikhil, I would say you are talking to people. You seem to be having success at it. I wouldn't put yourself down, I think. And you seem like a very personable, funny guy. I think you just, you don't have to qualify it. You are a talk show host. You're having success.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
We've been in your ears for years. Very nice. Yeah, I didn't want to start like that, but it's happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Oh, terrific. Terrific comedian. Very talented. And we'll see. No, this is us talking shop because... We've interviewed the same person and it sounds like, and this is something that you're interested in doing professionally for the rest of your life, do you think? Well, not the rest of your life. I'm not going to do it for my entire life, but I still have dreams, dreams, dreams.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Well, thank you for that. I would like to be a balloonist. I'd like to go up in a hot air balloon and travel the world.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Well, I tried that and it didn't work. The kids were like, that is not a dog. I was like, shut up. You can't hit kids with a balloon, apparently. Still counts as hitting. You sound very qualified for this job. So let's keep the conversation on you and not on my crimes. You live in Bangalore, India, Nikhil, and you've had some success doing a talk show. And what's your living situation like?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
And your name is Nikhil, is that correct? It's pronounced Nikhil. Nikhil.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Do you live with your parents? Do you live alone? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
So as you get further down the apartment, you start at the top. The more respectable.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
As you get down this sort of, yes, the more serious the relationships become. And are your roommates, you all get along?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Let's try Nikhin. I love correcting people on the pronunciation of their name. It cracks me up. No, Nikhil. Nikhil. Conan. Conan. I deserve that. You are in Bangalore, India. Is that correct? Yes. Yes, sir. I have been to India. I was there briefly for work a number of years ago. Actually, Sona came with me on this assignment and I was in Jaipur.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
You can't talk that way. You can't call someone a rascal. His reputation may never recover if this was 200 years ago. No, you can call someone a rascal. That basically just means they're kind of fun. Amazing. Next, I'm going to call him a nincompoop.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
We're going to have to put a warning on this podcast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Yeah. I mean, if you're a child and you're living in 1820, you might not want to listen to this podcast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
We'll call him. Yeah. So, okay. And will any of your roommates be familiar with me or my work if I visit? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
He's asleep right now. He's a big fan of mine. And you're in Bangalore, India, and you and I are having a conversation. And he sleeps not knowing that the greatest hero of his life is speaking to you on the top floor.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
How would he react if I walked into his room? Does he know? So he doesn't know that you and I are talking. If I if I were to walk into his room, how do you think he would react?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
This guy, I like this guy. He's a big Conan fan. And I would love to, it'd be fun to surprise him. I think, you know, I think, and then we could all, we could all go out and have a good time. What would we do for fun?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
You know what I love? Nikhil just got as annoyed with you as we do. He doesn't... He just met you. He's in Bangalore. And he went... Right. Yeah, right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
But I've never I would love I didn't really get a chance to experience experience India as much as I wanted to. It's a fascinating country. I love the people. And I would love to go and visit. Tell me a little bit about yourself, Nikhil.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Wow, I love a bar with a restroom. Selling point. That just went to the top of my Yelp review. They have a restroom. 11 stars. Okay, so this bar, please tell me more. This bar, Toit, has a restroom, yes?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
No, it's Toi. Please. Here it's Toi. Sona has decreed that it is Toi. Anyway, Toi.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
With images of me. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Wait, why is that? That is a giant. Wait a minute. Why does it say restrooms and then a photo of me? With a barn owl for some reason.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
No, that was when we were launching the TBS show a number of years ago. I guess I'm flattered that if you go to Bangalore and you go to Toit. And you go to use the restroom. Is it for the men's room or the women's room? Or both? What would you prefer? You know, I'm gender fluid.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
No, I've learned that everyone goes to the restroom, especially at a bar.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
It's the perfect place. It's the most trafficked area. So I often, if a place has a photo of me, and sometimes they do, you know, sort of downscale, you know, burger joints where I've gone and I've made them put up a picture of me. I ask people. I asked them to put me near the restaurant.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
That's how we, those are, that's how we live. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry that Matt just used those offensive terms. Yeah, I've done. You, of course, you started with rascals. I thought I was bad. Yeah. He's a pirate. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
People associate me with great bladder discomfort. Yeah. That's, no, okay, well.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Yes. Maybe. Okay. Maybe. I'm intrigued. I'm intrigued, A, that you have a roommate who's a big fan, B, that there's a portrait of me. I mean, there's a lot that recommends Bangalore. Yeah. I have one fan and there's a picture of me near a restroom. And what about your career? Are you enjoying your work as a talk show host? Are you enjoying it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
I kind of like that idea. I mean, the problem is every now and then you'll get, you know, people who aren't murdered. No, you won't get murdered. But yeah, but it's like when you do a talk show, there are good nights. There are nights that aren't as good. It's, you know, it's luck of the draw if you're in a volume business. But I like that idea.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
I have to wait for my ban in a lot of countries to end.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
Um, and, uh, and who knows, maybe you and I would come up with some kind of show together, you know, we could do a show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
And it happens. But it's always possible. Maybe we could think of an idea, you know, something that works where we're co-hosts of some kind of show. You know, we shoot an episode and we get it on the air and we get it out there to the people of India. What do you think of that? I think that's a pretty bad idea. I'm just kidding. That's the best idea I've heard in my goddamn life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Rascally Nincompoop
You really had me convinced it was a bad idea there for a second. No, that would be an honor. Yeah. So we can always think of what that is. We need that right, that spark of inspiration.
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Rascally Nincompoop
You could shoot it from Toit. Hell, we could shoot an episode of the show. I think you've stumbled onto something here, Matt. I have. Yes, by saying Toit, you made it clear that we shoot the episode. We set up in front of the portrait of me that exists. The bathrooms. The bathrooms. between the two, the ladies' room and the men's room. We can interview people going in and out.
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Rascally Nincompoop
Yeah, we can interview people going in and out going to the bathroom.
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Power Point Night
And of course, and I hate to bring it up, but, you know, most soldiers did die of disease back then. So, you know, what is that? What's your point? My point is that, Cooper, you'd get real sick real fast.
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Power Point Night
Yeah, Gettysburg will get you. I've visited many battlefields, and my wife drew the line when we were in Georgia, and I tried to make her come see Andersonville, which is the famous...
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Power Point Night
Probably, yeah. And me, I wouldn't because I'd be far from the battlefield. Eating wholesome, just a lot of apples. You'd be at some hot springs. Convalescing. I find a five-star resort that's adjacent to the battle, and I've got... Binoculars? No, no, no. What do they put on their eyes in spas? What do they put? Cucumbers? I've got cucumbers on my eyes. Stop bringing up potatoes.
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Power Point Night
Anyway, well, I wish you well. Cooper, you seem like a good guy. I really do. I think you're a good guy. And I think you haven't said it yet, but I can tell you really admire me and think I'm a great man. And I'm just going to fill that in. And you can just keep nodding with about as little enthusiasm as I've ever seen. I admire you so much.
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Power Point Night
I'll do it for you. We'll reach out to you. We'll contact you.
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Power Point Night
Oh, good. Well, you probably don't want to have like, I don't want a funny blurb on the back of a... From a white, the whitest guy ever. Yeah, exactly. I'm the whitest guy in the world. Did you see Conan's comedy blurb on the back of this book on slavery? That seemed inappropriate. I think you're trying to destroy my career, Cooper. I'll wait till the next book after that.
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Power Point Night
But I do wish you all the best. I think teachers are doing God's work. I really do. And so bless you, sir. And I hope we meet in person one day on a fake battlefield.
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Power Point Night
If you ever want to tour Gettysburg. Okay. All right. We'll figure it out. All right. Take care. Thanks a lot. Bye.
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Power Point Night
confederate prison where they kept a lot of uh northern prisoners and they all died of dysentery and my wife was like wait where are we driving to now and i said we're off to andersonville and she said what happened there thousands of people died of diarrhea and she said nope not on our honeymoon not on our honeymoon So I haven't been there. I blame her.
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Power Point Night
But Gettysburg, that is it's incredible to walk that area. It was such a pivotal battle and to walk that area and kind of you can see the topography still the same. So you can kind of get a feel for why things played out the way they did.
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Power Point Night
Hey, Cooper. How are you? Good. How are you? Okay, I'm going to ask you to pretend to be excited to see me. Because right now, you just look like you're in the eight items or less aisle. Okay. And you're just, I mean, I want you to just manufacture, right? Just to manufacture a little like, wow. Just be excited.
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Power Point Night
Yeah, you tell them here's where Taylor Swift reloaded her musket. Yeah. I would just lie to the students. I would just plug in all kinds of the latest pop stars and reality stars just to get them interested. Yeah. Here's where the real housewives of New Jersey let it charge. Cooper, you're allowed to lie if it keeps them interested.
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Power Point Night
Can I ask you a question? One of my favorite books, like one of my desert island books, if I was allowed like five books on a desert island, one of them would be Killer Angels by Michael Schara, which I think is one of the most beautiful, it's a novel. but it's historically accurate to the Battle of Gettysburg, and it takes place over three days, and all the main players are in there.
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Power Point Night
And I've read that book maybe seven, eight, nine times. Wow. And I just find it haunting and beautiful. Killer Angels, Michael Shira, you don't even have to be a Civil War buff to find that a powerful book, I think. Do you agree with me?
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Power Point Night
Oh, okay, so you're so smart. You read it when you were, you're like, yes, I read that when I was two. You read it just before everybody poops. With dysentery. Yeah, exactly. You got to bring it back. OK, well, so I like you. We have similar interests. I think this date's going well so far, Cooper.
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Power Point Night
And you live, you know, I would think it'd be hard not to get into some of the history, because if you live in D.C. and you live in that area, you know, you can't walk 15 feet without being on ground that was somehow involved in something historic. Right. And I felt the same way in Massachusetts growing up. It was all about the Revolutionary War. You could take a trip to Lexington and conquer.
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Power Point Night
Even if you're walking around Boston or in the hills around Boston, Bunker Hill, it's all stuff where history played itself out. So I think that helped fuel my interest in history was just that I kind of grew up around it.
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Power Point Night
So tell me a little bit about your life. So we've covered the Civil War part. Tell us more about Cooper. What's your last name, Cooper? Wingert. Okay, Cooper Wingert. Tell us about Cooper Wingert, the man. What's going on? What's happening?
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Power Point Night
Yeah, no, seriously. How are you, Cooper? I am really good. I'm so excited to be here. Okay. Well, now you look like you're a hostage who's saying the stuff you've been told to say by your captors, which is the kind of way you are. Where are you coming from, Cooper? I live in D.C. Okay. Okay. And tell us a little bit about yourself, Cooper. All I know is you're Cooper. You're from D.C.
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Power Point Night
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. So every now and then when you guys really want to just rip the lid off this thing and go totally loco, you have PowerPoint night?
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Power Point Night
Oh, okay. All right. Wait a minute. I'm liking this now. How did Nicolas Cage blow his fortune?
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Power Point Night
You know, there's nothing worse than when a skeleton you bought is repossessed.
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Power Point Night
Yes, I didn't. He he bought some bones and then they were controversial. Maybe they were even counterfeit. Who can say? I don't know. But look, Nick Cage, terrific actor, great body of work. But maybe what you're saying is we shouldn't go to him for investment counsel.
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Power Point Night
Okay. Well, okay. It sounds like you guys are having a good time. The PowerPoint. The PowerPoint, yeah. What about your life? What's going on in your social life?
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Power Point Night
Wait a minute. I said, are you on the apps? And you went, no, I'm single. Well, I'm married and I'm on the apps. And I am cleaning up. I'm like, Liza! Kiki in Palm Springs is into it. You're single, but you're not on the apps.
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Power Point Night
You appear to be a young fellow. Are you in your late 20s? Are you in your 30s? Give us an age.
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Power Point Night
Okay, good. Okay. All right. And you want to kind of hide the Civil War stuff for now?
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Power Point Night
Cooper, this could be bad advice, but I couldn't disagree more. I say you lead the Civil War and go hard. I say, yeah, I say you should be dressed on the apps as a Civil War soldier with the kooky beard and the musket. And you should talk to them and say, like, I just got back from battle. I was in the hornet's nest. The fire was coming pretty fast and thick. Why is he talking like that?
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Power Point Night
Sure, I did. I did. Yeah, we did it down in Atlanta. Yeah. That's where I met Liza. She was a corpse.
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Power Point Night
We were two corpses right outside Atlanta. And I just liked the way that she was laid out, you know? Oh, dear. Laid out. And we couldn't move much, but I was like, hey.
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Power Point Night
Oh, my God. Uh-oh. Okay, I'm glad to talk to you. I'm a bit of a Civil War, I'm a bit of a history buff, and Civil War is one of the areas that I'm kind of interested in. Have you been a Civil War buff your whole life, or is this something you came to later on?
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Power Point Night
And I'm like, I got you out in the chest. And she's like, I got a belly wound. And I'm like, those are bad. Those get infected. And one thing led to another. Yeah. And yeah. So have you done any Civil War reenactments?
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Power Point Night
Baked potato? What kind of reenactment is this? You know what I like? I like a no starch reenactment. No starches on my reenactment. That's hilarious.
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Power Point Night
Well, I was a very odd child and I remembered writing a play about Lincoln's assassination at Ford Theater in the third grade and making Scotty McGregor play Lincoln and I played Booth and we staged it in the gymnasium so I could yell, sick Semper Tyrannis and jump from the top. They had bars that went up to the ceiling for gymnastics and I leapt.
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Power Point Night
and then crawled into a little crawl space and hid, and the play lasted like three minutes. And the whole third grade- I just love you in Booth, too. He's so dark and- I know.
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Power Point Night
Because I wanted Scotty McGregor to be Lincoln. I thought he was a good, and I wanted to make that leap. Sic semper tyrannis, and then leap. And and then I crawled into a little hole and I had to stay there because there was no way out until all the students left. So I crawled into a little hole at the Michael Baldwin School in Brookline, Massachusetts. Were you in costume? Yes.
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Power Point Night
I had a little mustache and I had a little overcoat. And I think my Derringer was just a baked potato because that's the go to in Civil War reenactments. So I killed Lincoln with a baked potato. But yeah, I don't know why I remember that very well. Scotty McGregor asking him in the playground, can you be my Lincoln? And he was like, sure. What do I do?
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Power Point Night
You just sit there and watch a pretend play and I shoot you. And then I climb into a hole and hide there until the whole auditorium leaves. So I'm a weird guy. And I like you. I like you, Cooper. Oh, my God. Well, I don't think you have to hide the fact that you have these interests. You seem like a really nice person. I think, you know, I think you can be open about it.
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Power Point Night
I just love you saying, if I hear one more word about Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, I'm going to lose it. You seem like an exemplary young fellow, doesn't he? I mean, this is the kind of person we need more of. You're teaching, you're helping people, you're obsessed with the Civil War. These are all the qualities that I find mandatory in a human being. Where are you right now in your house?
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Power Point Night
It's okay. I like how the light switch is painted the same color as the wall. Yeah. Thank you, I thought it was a nice touch. And the shell fragments too. Yeah, everything blends into everything else. But man, does your green sweater pop. That's for sure. It's going well.
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Power Point Night
In real life. I think my cowardice, I'm going to say as a plus. How so? Well, it's very good to save lives. And the best way to do that is to lead everybody away from the fight. Now, would I be leading them so much as just running first? I don't know. I think I'd be really good around a campfire at night, you know, spinning a yarn, entertaining people.
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Power Point Night
And then the next day when the fighting broke out, they'd notice I didn't I don't see him either. I don't know where he went. Every night you show up. Maybe he got killed, but then I'm back at the fire that night, and I'm like, I tell you, did you see the way Lee took off on his horse? Oh, that right flank. He ran faster than a man.
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Power Point Night
That right flank crumpled like, you know, and then I would just be making jokes and stuff, and I'd be laughing again. Next day, I'm gone. No one knows where I am. Because I found one hollow tree nobody knows about.
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Power Point Night
like any threatened animal. I like to just go find a little hole and hide in it until everything calms down. But I think I'd be a lot of fun around the campfire. I really do. What about you? How do you, what are your, do you think you'd make a good leader?
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Power Point Night
If you, let's say we get in a time machine, you go back to 1863, Battle of Gettysburg, of course, summer, you know, you're there in Pennsylvania. Do you think you'd do a good job?
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Club Grub Hub
Yeah, ¿por qué no? So, I mean, I think if I had grown up in Madrid, my adolescence and all through my 20s and 30s would have been a lot of women going, ¿por qué no?
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Club Grub Hub
Yeah, that was in our vows. Her, her, her, she said, why not? I said, I do. She said, why not? I don't not.
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Club Grub Hub
Yeah. And I paid that fucker off. He gets $50,000 a year to keep his goddamn mouth shut.
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Club Grub Hub
Oh, my God. The scales are the best part. Oh, you know when those things get scared, their tails pop off. You bet they do.
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Club Grub Hub
Oh, my God. What an orgasm. You are the lizard. I think I'll say it was for me, but the lizard didn't look unhappy. Let's just say we both smoked a cigarette afterwards. Anyway, Alejandra, we somehow went astray. We. I don't know how you took me down this road. But so your question, you said a lot of nice things to me, but you didn't quit. What is the question?
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Club Grub Hub
Well, I have an agent and a manager and they did a lot of checking in on my children. Yeah. Gavin Pallone, Rick Rosen, and they would check in on the kids and they would occasionally text me and say, the boy seems good. The girl seems sad. And then they then we would get into the financials about, you know, how the business was doing and the ratings and things like that. Oh.
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Club Grub Hub
I have to say, all joking aside, I hit the jackpot with with my wife, Liza, because she is an impeccable mom and she just did an incredible job. And so I did miss out on things because I was working a lot. I tried to be there for important stuff. But, yeah, there were it really helps to have a partner there. who is fantastic. And it sounds like your husband does a great job.
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Club Grub Hub
And so my rule is find an amazing partner and then totally screw them over, leave them with the kids and eat as late as possible in Madrid. That's my rule.
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Club Grub Hub
Yeah. Now, do you have close family that you dine with as well?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
So, Alejandra, theoretically, if I were to be in Madrid and if you and I were to go out to a very late dinner at a nice restaurant, would your father come as well? And how would that go?
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Club Grub Hub
Are you saying that someone could monopolize a conversation with me? You really think so?
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Club Grub Hub
Yeah, so that's why I would insist that he come along. You tell Papa Blabbermouth... That the big guns are coming to town. Okay. I think I'm a world champion gabber. And I would insist that he come to dinner.
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Club Grub Hub
That's great. So you just basically watched American television, listened to American podcasts, and that has influenced. It's destroyed one of the most beautiful accents in the world. Yeah.
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Club Grub Hub
I bet I can out talk your dad. I bet I can talk. And here's the great thing. Your dad knows a lot. He has great knowledge. I know nothing about food. I know nothing about the food in Madrid. And yet I will talk three times as much as your father about this stuff I know nothing about.
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Club Grub Hub
Yeah, I'm not worried about that part. I think, I don't know who this guy is, but I think I got him covered on comedy. But I will talk much more than your father. I will dominate the conversation and I will make it all about me. That's my promise to you. Doesn't that sound fun?
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Club Grub Hub
No, no, I need you there. I need you there as the buffer, okay? I need you there as the buffer.
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Club Grub Hub
Yeah, I think it's you, me, your father. I think it's a very late dinner, traditional dinner at a nice restaurant in in Madrid. And I will dominate the conversation. And I will also ask my wife for some wisdom about raising children because I I you know, she's the one that knows I'm not even I can't remember their names right now. Stuart. Stuart? No, that's family guy. Stewie. Stewie, yeah.
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Club Grub Hub
That's from a cartoon. I'll find out their names. I'm going to be able to give you great advice on raising children. Okay?
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Club Grub Hub
I'm delighted to meet you, Alejandra. And I do hope we get to have a meal someday. I want your father there because he's not going to get one word out of his boca.
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Club Grub Hub
Edward, that's mouth. Anyway. Alejandra, very nice to see you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Thank you, guys. You're a very impressive person. Congratulations on all of your achievements. And I hope we cross paths. That would be fun.
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Club Grub Hub
Great. Can we make sure we edit out that shout out, please? No, no. Make sure it's edited out. I don't trust them. They're gone. I'm not friends with them. I don't know them. Dead to us. Just put a big eee over that shout out. Not for any other, not for a legal reason, just that I don't know them and they should get no free rides. Right.
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Club Grub Hub
Oh, I'm glad that I made you urinate. Sorry. Alejandra, many people think I am Ellen and many people go up to Ellen and say, hi, Conan. So it's a common misconception.
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Club Grub Hub
They're your words. These are my words. These are my words come back to haunt me. Well, tell me a little bit about your life. Mostly what I like to do is try and figure out how I can help my fans around the world. How can I help you, Alejandra? What can I do for you? I don't think I can do much. You're very beautiful. You're obviously very smart, very well-spoken. How can I help you?
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Club Grub Hub
It's OK. You're allowed to freak out. That's OK. Your name is Alejandra. Is this right?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
You know what we should do? I should speak less and you guys should speak more so that children can sleep.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Exactly. I think when I'm talking, it's like... But I think you guys should take the lead.
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Club Grub Hub
I wouldn't listen to the podcast. I've told many people you should not listen to the podcast while caring for a sleeping baby. Because, I mean, the laughs are going to come. They just are.
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Club Grub Hub
So and so so are you are you taking care of them full time or do you work?
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Club Grub Hub
No, no, no. First of all, first of all, Alejandra, do not sell yourself short. That is a I am very impressed. That is a very high powered job you have. Thank you. And I will tell you, that's that's quite a lot. I mean, you have sounds like your husband has a job. You have this very high powered job. You have two kids. That's a lot.
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Club Grub Hub
Everyone's a wise guy. Alejandra, tell us, where are you right now?
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Club Grub Hub
Yeah. Alejandra, you keep trying to convince me that you're not an impressive person. And yet you are clearly the smartest person out of the four of us in this room.
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Club Grub Hub
You're not in the room and you're much smarter than we are.
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Club Grub Hub
And to to be legal counsel for this massive company, that's big.
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Club Grub Hub
I'm impressed by that because not that I'm throwing her under the bus or anything, but when my children were born, my wife said, no restaurants, no movies, no joy for anyone until they're 12 years old. And kind of locked it down. Kind of locked it down. And so we're just sort of, they're both in college now. And we just, we're just now going outside again. And I remembered, oh, that's the sun.
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Club Grub Hub
Look at the sun. That burning orb in the sky. But anyway, I love my wife. Shut it down. That's so nice. My wife was not, we were not going to restaurants for quite a while. Yeah.
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Club Grub Hub
I've been to Barcelona, but I've never been to Barcelona. But I've never been to Madrid and I would love to see it someday. Alejandra, tell us a little bit. Do you go by Alejandra?
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Club Grub Hub
Oh, she just didn't want to leave the kids behind. Oh, I see. When kids are young, I mean, you're not taking your kids to, I think, first of all, in Spain, correct me if I'm wrong, but in Madrid, don't you start eating, the time to start a dinner, I think, is at two o'clock in the morning. Yeah. Isn't that when you guys have dinner?
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Club Grub Hub
This is a true thing. The McDonald's in Madrid, they all serve breakfast. They start at 5 o'clock in the afternoon. Yeah. That's a true story. You can't have it before then. Lunch is at six o'clock and then you can't get Big Mac. I don't think till 4 a.m. They're all insane. It's not called the Big Mac in Spain. It's called it's called the conquistador.
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Club Grub Hub
Okay, he's from Poland. So he must think these people are crazy. They're going out to have these full... I mean, these are elaborate meals too, right? You're having elaborate meals in elaborate restaurants.
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Club Grub Hub
No, no. You should try it. Give it a shot. I think you're just different people. I'm telling you, it's a whole different culture. They're different people. They have massive meals very late at night. I love that. Yeah, in theory, I love that.
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Club Grub Hub
So, okay, you go out to these meals. Is your husband coming with you on these meals when you go out?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
Okay, that's all right. This also sounds familiar. You don't want to spend time with your spouse, but with your friends. Yes, my wife did a lot of that as well. Conan, why don't you stay here and people who make me laugh can have dinner with me. It was all your friends. It was all my friends. It was you guys. My wife was always saying, I'm meeting Matt and Sona.
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Club Grub Hub
At the Hunky Dory, that bar in the corner. So Alejandra, let me understand this. You have this big job. You have two young children, a husband, but you also like to go out to eat. This all sounds, it says a lot to balance, isn't it? This is a lot to juggle.
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Club Grub Hub
Okay. So your English is perfect. I mean, you sound like you're coming to me from San Diego or something. I mean, it's perfect right now. Thank you.
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Club Grub Hub
Yeah. Not so good. The wheels are coming off the trolley. So it must be hard to balance all of that is what I'm guessing. It's just hard to...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
You know, there's an old saying that when you're on an airplane and the oxygen masks drop down, you've got to put yours on first before you put it on the child.
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Club Grub Hub
And my theory has always been I take both masks. I put both masks on. A child's got smaller lungs. They'll figure it out. They don't need as much. Right. And God forbid, but you can get another child somewhere.
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Club Grub Hub
Whatever. They come along. So my point, Alejandra, is you need to take much more time for yourself. The children will figure it out. Do you know what I mean? You need you're working very hard. You gave birth to them. Check. I think that's enough. Right. And I think I think you should be having dinner starting at nine. Then I think you shouldn't feel any guilt.
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Club Grub Hub
I think you should hit the clubs afterwards. And you'll see the kids. I'm too old for that now. Yeah, you'll see. You're too old. I just got to the clubs. Yeah, I am. Oh, no. I just hit the age when I think I'm ready to go to the clubs. I never went to the clubs before. I missed out and I want to go to the clubs now.
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Club Grub Hub
People were very evasive when I said, where's the clubs? And they'd be like, I don't know. We got to go. And they were all dressed and they had glow sticks and stuff. I never went to a club. And now I think it's the time. Once I hit 60, I thought, now's the time to hit the clubs.
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Club Grub Hub
His club is probably a historical society where they talk about, you know, Eisenhower's contributions to the highway system in the 1950s in America.
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Club Grub Hub
Well, I'm saying you have a beautiful Cincinnati accent. It's amazing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
He thinks Grubhub is a club. It rhymes, doesn't it? Yeah. He thinks that when he gets his sandwich delivered.
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Club Grub Hub
Alejandra, let's say you and I were to hang out. Let's say, and this is all theoretical, but let's say I were in Madrid and you and I were to hang out. How would you want me to help you? How could I assist you? How could I improve your life?
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Club Grub Hub
Thank you so much for saying that. So you're a young, attractive woman who is willing, who thinks that I'd be the perfect guy to have a late dinner with in Madrid and then hit the clubs. Is that what you're saying?
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Club Grub Hub
But Alejandra, how did your, I mean, you live, are you a citizen of Madrid? You grew up in Madrid?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Club Grub Hub
When I was single, a shrug and a why not was the best I could get. What is Spanish for? How do you say in Spain? How do you say why not?
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Fanhausen (Re-Release)
It was the Olympics. You were pretty talented. It was the 2002 Olympics, and I learned how to snowboard, and I'm still recovering from that. I lost most of my spine, had to be replaced with a coat hack.
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Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Oh, God, no. I didn't mean either of you. Oh, God, no. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, please. Oh, how embarrassing. I'm covering my mouth. I'm laughing.
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Fanhausen (Re-Release)
And what I'd like to do, Leigh-Anne, if it's okay, is I'd like to tape an episode of my show sometime where your mother's in a little inset box randomly saying things while I'm trying to do the show. That would be great. So I'm trying to talk to Hugh Jackman and she's saying things like, I was on the snow hill. My favorite chowder is corn chowder.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
And it just randomly, okay, our next guest was in the fly. You know him as Jeff Goldblum, but you know, onions are best on a sandwich. Okay, mom, we got it. But how can I help you, Leanne? I know you have a question for me and I know I can help you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I really like you. It comes off as mental illness sometimes, but I like it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I am mostly myself when I perform or show myself to the public, but, and Sona and Gorla, you will back me up, I can be weirder than even what people have seen or heard on the podcast. The podcast probably catches it the most, but I go on these riffs sometimes that they start out making sense and then they get more and more twisted and strange and they're just not for public consumption.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Can we just start calling it my gift and not my mental illness?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I say a lot of words that don't make sense. I have microaggressions. And macroaggressions. And macroaggressions, but none of it's really based in reality. Like I'm constantly threatening you, Mr. Gourley, but I'm not even angry with you. It's just like, I have no anger towards Matt Gourley at all.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yes, Leanne, I know there was a question in there somewhere, but I think you nailed it. I think, yes, has there been a time where I've needed to hide? Yes, there are times where my mind goes probably to a darker place and I edit myself. How about that? That's very true.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Hey everybody, Conan O'Brien here, and we're going to try something a little different. In the short time that I've been doing Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, I've just been delighted. I'm having an absolute blast, and it's working. I'm actually making some nice bonds and friendships.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I'm looking it up. I'm looking it up. I am looking it up. Yes, I am a celebrity. I just looked it up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I would say that's very sweet. I would say Sona is very much herself. I don't know who the real Matt is. I don't know if I can say. I don't either. I don't know. Like you're a shapeshifter, Gorley. You could be, I just don't know. You could be someone completely different. It's like that movie, The Stepfather. I just don't know. You could be a complete maniac and I wouldn't know it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
You're not a mess. Yeah. You're good friends. And you know what? It really does help to do this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
That's actually, I created that soundbite with my computer. If you listen to it, Again, carefully, all I did was press control D and it just was like, we are good friends.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yeah, I am a B-lister, but I am a celebrity. So, fuck, I am. I am a solid B. I'm a solid B-list celebrity and I'm proud of it. And if Love Boat were still on the air, I could potentially be a guest. Not the first guest, but like the third guest who's the comic relief guest who stowed away.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I enjoy, and then control alt J is, I enjoy people. I am a human. Control alt W is, I love children. When my wife and I visit her family with our kids, we stay in this hotel in Seattle, and there's one of those elevators that has a voice, a robotic voice that's telling you what floor you're going to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
It's this accent we can't place, but when you get in the elevator on the fifth floor and you're going to the lobby, this woman's voice says, going down. Yeah. And it burned into my brain. And whenever I'm in an elevator and it starts to go down, I hear in my brain, going down. It's very, I find it very disturbing. And I'm glad I shared it with you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I think your mom's trying to get in on the act again. Is that your mom who just walked behind you? Yeah, it is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I love it. I really love playing with Jimmy Vivino and guys from my band. And we've put out a couple of videos and I was really proud of it until someone said, great Viagra ad. Yeah. And it was like, yeah, like, look at the older guy bopping out with his guitar, Viagra. Don't, you know, and I, that was a torpedo that just blew me apart. I just, I think I almost burned my guitar that night.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
But yeah, maybe the good news is I'll probably get an ad for Viagra. So that'll be good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Well, it's been very nice talking to you. Leanne, I've loved talking to you and occasionally your mom. Tell her I said, is your mom still there? She is, she's right there. Hi, Conan. Okay, I'm coming after you. What's your first name? My name's Carol. Carol, I'm coming after you. You've been taping this call illegally. I'm coming after you. I will use the Canadian courts to bring you down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
You guys are taunting me. Like, come and get me. Oh, man. I'm going after this family. Hey, lovely talking to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yes. But anyway, this is something I want to do and I'm really looking forward to it. And I don't know. We're just going to give it a try and see how it goes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Wow. Donovan, very nice to talk to you. Where are you coming from, Donovan? Where are you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Do you consider yourself a Canadian? No, no, I'm from Michigan. Oh, you're from Michigan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Wait, I'm confused already. You're from Michigan. You've married someone who's from Montreal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
So Donovan, you are a professional wrestler, is that right? Yes. Okay, now help me because I know of a type of professional wrestler that has a character and I don't know, are you a professional wrestler who's really wrestling and using wrestling moves and it's not that fun to watch or are you a wrestler who's also kind of a performer and has a character?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Okay. Well, we are a podcast, so I'm going to describe it. You're sort of demonic looking. You just showed me a picture of what looked like a very fierce, evil, demonic wrestler.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yes. You mean of the wrestlers, I'm the one that's influenced you the most? Yes, yes, of course. That's fantastic. Describe then a demonic Conan O'Brien as a wrestling character. Are you using some of my moves? Is it my attitude? Does your character have sort of little beady eyes and thin lips and sharp cheekbones?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Human teeth. You pour human teeth into the mouth. I love how that's people see that and go, Oh, that is so Conan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
with a lot of different people, but what occurred to me is all these people have one thing in common, they're celebrities. And I thought it might be nice to try making friends with average folk, people out there in the world. Civilians, not celebrities. Just talk to the people who make this great country we call the United States of America, or even people from other countries, it doesn't matter.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
No, no. So, okay. One of your standard moves is to pour loose teeth into the mouth of your opponent to confuse and disorient them. What are some of your other moves?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
That's very Cody. Okay. That's very nice, Matt. Yeah. I love that. You just add a Housen to things. So it's so good night. Housen is like a good night move.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Okay. That's my finishing. Well, you knee them in the face, Hauser.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Uh-huh, uh-huh. This is fantastic. I'm delighted by you. I'm delighted by this foolishness and that you've, like me, dedicated your life to... Absolute idiocy. This is fantastic. Now, are you a good wrestler? Are you a good athlete?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
How successful have you been? It sounds like, is this growing? Do you feel like Dan Housen is becoming a bigger and bigger character?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I wanna be a part of Dan Housen's world. You know, don't you see that Matt and Sona? Like I wanna maybe do some sort of, I wanna tape a video. I seriously wanna do something where you're in the ring and then I appear and I'm either for you or against you. Do you know what I mean? Or you're my long lost son. We've got to somehow get into, I want to get into the lore of Danhausen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Do you know what I mean? I want to be part of it. What would you do with me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Guess what? There's a lot of those now. There's literally like 600 in America. So you might want to come up with something cooler.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Would we actually fight? And first of all, you know, I know how to handle myself. Wait a minute. Oh, come on. I'm fairly athletic. I can take a punch and I love to fake fight. And so if I entered the ring, would we start out being friends? But then I would think that you had gotten too cocky and I would attack Dan Housen. What would happen?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Okay, how about this? Let me pitch you this because I'm really into this. All right, so Dan Housen, you're fighting your foe. He starts to get the better of you. He starts to win. He grabs the bag of teeth and starts to pour them into your mouth. He steals your sack of money. He punches you in the groin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Let's just talk to some regular folk and then hope, hope desperately that they become celebrities.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
It's all going badly when all of a sudden the music changes, fog machines go on and I appear, I come down on wires and it's me and I'm there to save Dan Housen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I hope so. What if the crowd's just like, all right, okay, there's Conan, I guess. Let's see what he's got. All right, let's go. If we go early, we can beat the traffic. In my mind before I go on, that's what I think. That's the reaction I always think I'm gonna get. If I leave now, I can beat the traffic. I want in on the Dan Housen world. I really do, Donovan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
You know what? I've always said, if there's a way that I can be involved with Good Night Hausen with Dan Hausen, I want in Hausen and right now Hausen. Not tomorrow Hausen, but today Hausen. I'm not fucking around, Hausen. I'm serious, Hausen. So let's make this happen, Hausen. Let's sign a contract, Hausen. I want to get paid, Hausen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
There's only one kind of money. There's only human money. No animal uses money. He has no idea. He just knows it gets you power. Yeah. Wow. That's very exciting. Well, you know what? I think you're going to do well. I love that you're going to Canada because I don't say this just to suck up to Canada, but I love Canadians.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
That's the concept. What do you guys think, Matt? Horrible. Yeah, I'm all in. Why is that horrible? It's very important to me that eventually they become celebrities.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
And I think they're like the funniest, one of the funniest countries in the world. They're really funny people. So I think, and they really love nuanced, like weird, kooky comedy. And they've always been so nice to me. So I love that you're going to Montreal. I think that's great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Donovan, you have my blessing and I will figure out a way to enter the world of Danhausen. I will.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yes, we'll follow up on this. I'm really excited about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yeah, no problem. Hey, really nice to meet you, Donovan. Nice meeting you too. Nice meeting all of you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Leanne, tell me just a little bit about yourself. Just so I, when I meet someone for the first time, I like to ask just a few questions, find out who they are, where they're coming from.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Do you get a sense of maybe any mental illness when you listen to the podcast?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Well, I was just wondering if, you know, you're obviously a very intelligent person. You're an engineer. What kind of engineering do you do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
But you understand chemistry, you understand chemical engineering. Yeah. And have you ever, when you're listening to the podcast, thought, this guy, I think we need to regulate his brain. His brain needs some sort of chemical regulation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Who would do that? What kind of monster would choose that life? No, seriously, I really do. I do want to, and especially, I have to say, a lot of this comes out of this last year. Let's get outside this bubble, this celebrity bubble that we're trapped in.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
So what you're saying is what adds to the podcast is my mental illness.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
That's okay. It's always good to have a mother in the background laughing at me. It adds to the whole podcast experience. Oh, and look, she's shooting this on her iPhone, which is piracy. That's piracy. I'm going to have her arrested for stealing our copyright. That'll come later.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
So you fled to north of Toronto just because you wanted your mom to record you talking to me on the podcast on her iPhone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
And you wanted to escape any attempt for me to seek retribution. You've thought this through so far in advance. You're so smart.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Oh, that's right. Good improv skills. You picked up on your mom's mistake. Yeah. Yeah, mom. Good improv. Cut it out. She put out the information. Leigh-Anne put out the information that you fled to Canada. So you can't ruin her improv by denying her information. Oh, God. Moms. They always ruin improv. They always ruin improv.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Well, she always, she would say, my mom's line is, I don't like that even fooling. I love that. And she had a good sense of humor, but yeah, she was always saying that to me. And I think that spurred me to go further and further and further. She's a great straight man in comedy. So that helped me. And I hope your mother's helping you in your comedy pursuits.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yes, I understand. Your mom helped you so much with your comedy that you're an engineer. So that's all I have to say to you about your mother. It's her fault. You'd be playing Vegas right now. You'd be in the biggest rooms in Vegas. I would. Oh no, your mom had to get in there and go, that's not true. You're from Toronto. Yeah, it's true. I love, I do love Canada. I've had a very good time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
I love myself a Tim Hortons. Yeah. I love a Tim Hortons donut and a cup of coffee.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
Yeah. Oh, a double, double. And then I get on the hockey rink and I beat someone to death. It's a good time. I really enjoy myself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Fanhausen (Re-Release)
What? What is she saying now? Is your mother just spout things in the corner throughout your life?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Maybe we can work together. I have my ways. I tend to win people over. Sonia, you've seen me in action.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I don't think there are that many, but yeah. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Not so big. Just people that had slight hesitation and they overcame it. Quite a few people. Not a lot. A lot of people. Not big naysayers. Eloise, are there any events that we would go to together? Are there any events in the trans community that I could participate in?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Sure. I was just hoping at one point there's alcohol involved. you know, going to a club or something. But yes, I like those. I think what you're doing sounds very cool and very healthy. But at some point, I want to hit the dance floor. Do you understand? You've got to see my moves to believe them, Eloise. You've got to see them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yes. Yes. That's not necessarily a brag. Unless my demands are met, Eloise. Unless there's a suitcase full of cash in this podcast office tomorrow, you will see me dance. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
The clock is ticking. Well, Eloise, it was a good way. Eloise, it was very nice talking to you. And you are very funny. You seem very funny and very cool. And I do believe you're a healer because I've had fun talking to you. And you have healed me. So what do you think of that? That's great. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
All right. I'll get it to you. Thank you, Eloise. Nice talking to you. Bye-bye. Bye. Thanks, guys.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Wow. Pizza is the great unifier of everything you just said. So you are very active in the trans community. You have lots of get togethers. What kinds of things do you like to do with your friends who are trans? What kind of, you know, do you have parties? Do you have, what do you do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yeah, I would like to join you because I'm told I'm weird, you know, part of my life story.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Okay. Well, all right. Well then there's work to be done. That's why I'm here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
My mission has always been to expand my presence in the LGBTQ community in the Philippines. Very specifically. I said that in 1963, the year I was born. I remember.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Wow, you have a time machine, apparently. Yeah. Well, would I get along? Would I fit in with everybody? I'm a pretty friendly person. Would they accept me? I guess that's the big question. Would your friends accept me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
This isn't going well, Eloise. Eloise, I'm not getting good signals, Eloise.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Okay. Well, you're talking to myself, Matt, Sona, the gang. Hi. And tell me, I don't know much. Tell me where are you right now? Who are you? Tell us the whole story.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Oh, I think so. Yeah. Your friends are picking up when I'm laying down is what you're saying.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I always thought that Calvin Coolidge was huge in the trans community in the Philippines. Yeah. That was my understanding. Not so much President Taft. I get it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Okay, I'll double down on Johnson. Okay. Well, okay, so you say that... Let's say I came to Manila, and let's say that you and I were to meet, and you were going to take me out for a night with your friends in the trans community. What would we be doing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yes, I want to blend in very much. I want to be considered a chill guy when I go out on the town with you and your friends in the trans community. So tell me, what are the things I should know?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I see what you're saying, though. It probably has to be a reality TV show, right? That's better. It could be a reality. Like, right now, Eloise, you're totally giving me, you know, season six, Love Island, episode three, uh... Cheetah. I just made all that all up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
You know what? Yeah, because I was too deliberate about it. Yes. You got to just toss it off.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Okay, you are just right now. You know what? I don't need this from you. You are so President Taft and selling the OC. I don't need this right now. Do you know what I mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I've heard that before. That's a compliment. Eloise, this is a big help. You're helping me. This is good. I think you are a hero. I think I have to learn more about reality shows.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
What are the popular reality shows so I can just toss them off? Oh, Love is Blind. Love is Blind. All right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yeah. But is there a city that because is there a real housewives?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I call I'm going to go with Atlanta. I'm going to call it Hotlanta.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Wow. That's fantastic. And you say you're a healer as well. So you can help people. Maybe you could help me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I don't know. Eloise, you're totally giving me, um, uh, uh, It's going well. It's going well, buddy. Keep it up. You got it. I don't watch these shows. You can use any reference.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Oh, yeah. A little Teresa, season four, Real Housewives of New Jersey, much Eloise. Does that work? Yeah. Slay? It sounds a little like an insult, but I'll take it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Oh, that's too obvious. You got to pick up someone obscure. More obscure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Svensson. What? He's the accountant on the show. I'm going to do the best I can, though, to learn more about reality TV. I'm going to say slay a lot. What else would we do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yeah, I got news for you. I think you'd make a really good- I got news for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I think I have a much better chance in the trans community. I really do. I think I have a better chance than becoming an elite athlete. I just, I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
That dog in you? I'm an old, old fellow. And the other day I got out of bed quickly and my left leg fell off. And I used electrical tape to put it back on. And so that's what I'm concerned about is pieces of my body coming off in the Philippines, you know?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
There you go. That's why I know that. See? What? It doesn't matter where you get the knowledge as long as you have the knowledge. I just shouldn't reveal that, right? Right now you're being so Winston Bufferman on American Roadshow. with his collection of pneumatic tubes that he sold.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Who do you need help with? I was hoping you would know. I have some guesses. I think that would be rude. Well, you live in Manila and tell me just a little bit about your life. What do you like to do? How do you have fun?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Yeah, it's just incredible, right? Yeah. You are such a Walt Kellerman from American Pickers season four. Oh my God. Oh, American Pickers.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
You can slay with a docuseries. Eloise, can you slay with docuseries?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Hold on. I got RuPaul on the line now. What's that? Oh, quick no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Invisible phone, everybody. And I hang that up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
After what you've heard today, do you want me to come visit you? And you're allowed to say no, you've changed your mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I think that might scare people. Yeah, probably, yeah. Well, I admire your honesty. I really do. I try. I appreciate that. Can I ask you a question? You've mentioned autism also during this interview. Are you autistic?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
That's funny, that was my sound reaction. Yeah, what if he sees the real me? What if he's right? I can see, yeah, it's different. I'm not for everyone, and that's always the way it's been.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I'm going to win him over. I was pretending to be okay with your dad not liking me, but this is odd.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
I'm obsessed now. What would you do? What would I do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Well, first of all, I'd be very respectful and kind to him. So respectful and kind that he would see that I'm not rude. Then I. So hilarious. Yeah. And then I would probably bring him some gifts. And. What would you bring him? Oh, well, what is your, what is your dad like? Pork. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
Goes right in the overhead compartment. So I would wrap some pork in newspaper. Just a full pig. Put it in the overhead compartment and fly. I think it's probably a pretty quick flight from LA to Manila. and then get in a cab in the hot sun and take this rotten, fetid pork to your father and say, hey, you're the guy that thought I was rude. Have this rotting pork.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
And then I think we'd be best buddies. Don't you think?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
You Are So President Taft
But yeah, you know what? Give it a try. You are so season three American botulism. So I can't believe that got three seasons.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
That you'd have to put in the work to get to the fun part you need to prepare, you need to be on it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, you lost me with this whole line of reasoning. I had a trailer put upstairs in this office just so I could not come out of it. But half the time, no one wants me to come out of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Never for a second do I forget that you are an unprofessional person.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I wasn't familiar with, you know, this show you did when you were an adolescent, Skins. I don't really know that show, but it became huge in the UK. And that was a little difficult for you to handle because you're an adolescent and suddenly it's this...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You were young to be experiencing that kind of attention.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah, so if you're going out, you just want to have a drink, hang out with friends.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
It's never left in my mind. So sometimes you might forget it. Never, ever. I never forget that. And so all I'm saying is there are times where I'm thinking, we're here. We're here to do our job, which we also love. It's fun. But you'll start gabbing and gabbing and gabbing. And I'll say, well, why don't we just say, hey, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You have to accept that someone might be recording you. Yeah, it was a weird transition.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I think there are a lot of people who would be 15, 16, 17 and think, boy, if I could be famous right now and get that kind of attention at an age when you want attention, wouldn't that be amazing? And so often it's not.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, let me explain my problem. You're talking about getting recognized. I wear a hat that says I am Conan O'Brien wherever I go. Stop me and ask for a selfie. You've had this interesting education where you were getting probably attention and working as a child, then you're a teenager, but then you've, I mean, you've handled it all really well.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You've done, I was thinking of your performance in Mad Max as, first of all, when I first saw that, I didn't even realize it was you. Yeah. See, no one will recognize me from now. Yeah, because you play Nux. And Nux is this terrific character. You lost so much weight for that. And the backstory, first of all, I love that movie. Yeah, it's a great film. I'm proud of that one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And we did a parody of it when we were at Comic-Con once where I play the Doof Warrior, who's the guy that we actually recreated. We shot it film style. We recreated that whole giant truck. Yeah. Do you remember this, Sona? Yeah, I do. Yeah. I'm hanging off the front with an electric guitar and the white face and wearing the red onesie and shooting fire. Do you still have the red onesie?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm wearing it for medical reasons. But I'm shooting, they gave me a guitar that shoots fire. The real fire. Yeah. And then we were shooting it out in the desert, but they said, I remember just before we started to shoot, they, no, after the first take, they said, when you get near a telephone pole, turn off the fire. And I was like, what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And they were like, because otherwise you'll set the telephone poles off here in the desert outside Los Angeles on fire. And I went, no one thought, like, this is up to me. If I want to, I can take out the power grid with my electric guitar. But anyway, we did a whole parody of that, which was really fun to do. But I absolutely adore that film.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And your character, I mean, talk about being able to lose yourself in a character. You lost a ton of weight to play Nux. Because you're in this, everyone who survived that apocalypse is sickly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And what was the, I mean, everyone has their own technique, but is that a kind of thing where literally you're working with a doctor and they're saying, okay, you can have a tic-tac today and then a little soup before bed?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And we can, whatever this is, we can talk about what you're talking about. And you'll be like, hold on, I'm not done yet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I think there is now, right? Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I'm going to get an Ozempic colonic. Oh, jeez. I don't know. Maybe it'll go even faster. I don't even know what that means. Go the other way. Not a suppository, but a colonic. A colonic. I want that for other reasons. They don't go together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
First of all, this story is much better if you identify your friend. I can't. They're very famous. It's got to be Hugh Grant. It's Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant cramping, shitting all over the floor. You heard it here, folks. Let's get that out there. It's not Hugh. Too late. I'm editing your it's not out. And we're replacing it with an AI yes, it is. Definitely him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Now we're good. You got very seriously into motorcycles at some point. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
So you have seriously, first of all, as a kid, you were interested in cars.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Now, explain to me the appeal, because I'm not a gearhead. I enjoy a nice car, but... When I first made money and could buy any car I wanted, just so you know who you're talking to, and I'm a writer on The Simpsons, and I go out and I buy a Ford Taurus SHO. That's the Ford Taurus that has the stick shift. Yeah, stick shift's great. Yeah. But it looks exactly like a Ford.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
It's got a sweet Yamaha six in there. And, but yeah, I remember thinking this is so cool. And people would say, you're driving around in a Ford Taurus and you're 28 years old. And you told us you were going to get this really cool car. And I went, yeah, but if you look inside, it's got a stick shift. And the common reaction was, it's a four-door.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You look like you're going to Whole Foods to buy some produce. Not even Whole Foods, like Big Lots. Okay. Let's not get dicky about grocery stores. But anyway, that's the degree to which I'm probably not a gearhead. But you participated in and won a race recently, didn't you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Was that not clear? Wait a minute. Never mind. My car was not on when I became one. When my car was not even on and I was not in it when I became one with it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I thought it was fairly clear by the way you're talking about it. I'm going to keep explaining what happened. Well... I was going to go so far with it. I'd just like to take this time to apologize to you. It's fine. Don't worry, Nicholas. This never has to air. It's interesting. It's going to sound like I'm making a joke, but I'm not.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
When we're in this room, everything must be monetized. Everything must... Adam, help me out here. When we're in this room, everything must, you know, is part of the product. The team cocoa product.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I kind of understand what you're saying because if I'm in front of a large group of people, there is an adrenaline rush and I am sometimes doing things that are against my better nature, but I also... think this is going to be really funny if I do this thing that's potentially quite embarrassing or foolish.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
So there's this push me, pull you, but I also like to be in control, but I also like the potential chaotic loss of control. And it's all at the same time. That's the closest I've come to that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And if I doubt it, do you just abort or do you override? This is one thing I found is that if I'm thinking about it beforehand, it's not going to be as good. And if you do it, then it's not as satisfying. It's not as good. And for some reason, the audience knows it too. I don't know what that's all about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
So you showed a lot of restraint and caution. Yeah. And you held your tongue. And then me, the older man who should know better. Well, just because I couldn't formulate what the idea was. No, I didn't formulate it well either. I have me fucking a Taurus. You just said I fucked my car.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Why is it you have better material than I do? This is frustrating. But it is funny how I did have an experience that I really loved. We shot a travel show in Berlin. Oh, I'm going to Berlin in a couple of weeks.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yes. Okay, this was a while ago. I won't be going there anytime too soon, but we shot a segment where I believe I'm in a very, very fast BMW that's latest model, fastest model, and we go on the Autobahn. And what I always heard about the Autobahn is you can go as fast as you want. There are no speed limits. That's not really true.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
No, we went, I think, I mean, it would not be impressive to you. It was impressive for me that we- I'd have to find the speed that we got to, but I was impressed.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
No, I want to say it was... I think you got up to like 121 or 126 miles per hour.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
No, it is refreshing because it's something that I find refreshing about sports, not participating in it so much, but is watching them, is that things can be measured. And in comedy, no matter what you do, people go like, eh, not my cup of tea. Or someone can like it, someone else can hate it. It's just this...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
This soup, you can never quite say, no, no, empirically this wins because how can you do that? But in, and that's true of all the arts. Like when sometimes when I watch the Oscars or any award show, I think this is so crazy. How can we be comparing all of these things and who's deciding and what does that even mean? It always seems ridiculous to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Is it right now? Welcome to the Nicholas... If I could get Nicholas Holt to ask me questions as if I were interesting... That's my EGOT. That's my EGOT. No, I remembered my career has been a series of me thinking, if I could get to this point, then I'd never worry about anything again. And that goes back to me being 22 and just thinking, if I could just make a living as a comedy writer...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
and then i did and i'm like okay well yeah the minute you attain something you you yeah you have disdain for it but uh so what's next what's the next what's the next level then for me um i think uh i think cover of men's health in a speedo oh just like super cut you should pivot on the bonnet of the taurus
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I think it's time 61-year-old men of my complexion who work out intermittently are seen as sex symbols. This country's already going through enough. I think this country can handle more. No, I think- It's what the country needs.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
No, and it's funny because I was very young and a writer on Saturday Night Live and we won an Emmy when I was there for a season that I'd been working on and we won and I was in my 20s and I remember thinking, Wow. You know, this I won an Emmy. This is going to change everything. And of course, it doesn't change anything. None of these things change anything, really.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And so it's just been this constant education and reeducation and reeducation. It's all an illusion. You just keep going. And I think for, I mean, your analogy would be, there's not going to be any point in a car where you're going to say, I'm satisfied, right?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Like, yeah, there's always... Did you stand on top of the car when you won the race?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
What are you supposed to do? There are all these iconic things you're supposed to do when you win.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Did they take your trophy away? They should have done. It was an absolute disgrace. You could see them taking your car with a tow truck. They took the car back. And then I'm like, I can fix this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You're there with a Diet 7-Up, shaking it. Come on! I still do it every morning, yeah. Do you, do you, this is what I'm saying, does any of this translate, does your driving ability translate to you on the 405 freeway? No. Does anything like that translate, or are you an amazing driver going 55 miles an hour on the highway to-
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I invited Adam. He sits way in the corner. He's over there calculating, scheming. Calculating and scheming. Yeah, and I bring him over into this holy, holy area of the table with the mics. And then you stab me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah. That's good. You just knocked wood in. I don't think this is wood. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I thought this was an expensive piece of wood. I don't trust Eduardo. I think he cheaped out on us and found something cheaper than wood. Might be particle wood. Yeah. It's better for the sound, right? Yeah. He gets it. Yeah. You get it. I don't get it. How do you like living in Los Angeles area? We were talking about this a little bit when you first showed up, but it's so interesting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Maybe it's the grass is always greener, but having 100% Irish genes, I always find myself yearning for it to be cloudy and rainy. Yeah. here in Los Angeles. But for years, I've noticed that people from the UK Brits, they want to be here. They are not interested at all in a cloudy day. They want to get red-faced. I don't know. Do they? Well, I think so, yeah. They love tanning.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
We're talking, I want to make sure we get the word out on Nosferatu. Where did you shoot this? Where did you shoot Nosferatu? We shot it in Prague. Oh my God. See, that is why I do a travel show is that for years and years and years, for 28 years, I sat at a talk show desk and talked to people like you who said, oh, I just got back from Prague. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
No, I've never been to Prague. I want to go there. Oh, you should do an episode going there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so you want me to travel to get the word out on Nosferatu.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
All right, Sona, could you book me a flight to Prague? Sure. And get me a tea. Good, good, good, really good acting. All done, bye. And could you have a shirt made that says Nosferatu in theaters now? Yeah, let's see that. Can you screen print it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You've got a... Whoa. Laser printer. Stupid. What kind of machine makes this?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Your guillotine probably goes. I'd like to hear the guillotine. Yeah, let's hear the guillotine. It needs to be a little bit of a... Yeah, it's sort of a wet... He landed on his tongue. I don't know what happened there. Boing, boing, boing, boing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Boing, boing, boing, boing. Okay, you made Nosferatu, directed by one of my favorites, Robert Eggers. I love his stuff. He's incredible, isn't he? Absolutely incredible. And so, I mean, I'm excited to just see the look of the film. I mean, he always achieves.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And that's, that's the truth. So you think sometimes I spin a yarn after we're done?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
It's so funny, because I had the opportunity to interview Jordan Peele, and he was asking me, what kind of horror films do you like? And I said, I don't like someone jumping out of a bush, stabbing, jump scares, and someone chasing someone else with a chainsaw.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And I cited the witch as an example and Eggers as an example of there's a wide shot early in the film, it's fall and it's New England, 17th century New England. And the wind is blowing and you just see these trees slightly undulating and it's terrifying because of the implication of what something malevolent is out there. He managed to make trees in the fall in New England, very frightening.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And I responded to there's so much in the witch that it's so much of its tone and so much of it is, and then there are, yes, there are little moments that are frightening, but when you think about it, there's so little violence, there's so little action, but your heart's in your mouth the whole time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
We did a travel show in Dublin last year, and we drove around and we went to Wicklow, which there's this great iconic lighthouse. got all made up as Willem Dafoe in The Lighthouse. And I have this long, insane speech that we shot in black and white. You're doing promo for The Lighthouse then, so you can do something that's wrong. You better make another shirt.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I'll send you the script. What I loved about that, I guess what I loved about that movie is the performances are amazing, but also you're paying attention to like the button on someone's weird suit, which is very somehow evocative. Yeah. He manages to get all that stuff right. And I'm thinking Gothic, Nosferatu. Yeah. late 19th century field day with the visuals.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Sometimes I lay out a real lulu of a story. No, I do tell some stories that are not for public consumption because maybe they include a name and I don't like to sell people, you know, sell people out. And so we have some delicious conversations in here. But... Yeah, I guess I'm guilty of the same thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
He's vomiting. I've got to get the right one. I am. Well, listen, I am a huge, huge fan of yours as a person. But I just think your performances are off the charts. Great. And this movie is made for me. So and oh, yeah, Bill Skarsgård.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I'm curious because my work is always I make something and then we see it either instantly or 10 minutes later and then I never see it again. Your work is you work really hard on something, craft it, you make it, you have some control over some facets of it. And then this long period of time goes by, I would think, before you see it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
How apprehensive are you about, okay, now it's time for me to go see myself in Nosferatu?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I'll say, from my vantage point, your work is excellent. And so, and trust me, I think a word from Conan O'Brien carries a lot of weight in the film industry.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Five stars! Five stars from the tourist fucker. Absolutely thrilled that you could be here today. And I do want to be your friend. I doubt it's going to happen. We can definitely be friends. No, I have a bad feeling. You gave me the sheet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And I'm going to say it's not going to happen on your end. I'm going to say you're the one that's going to... Just keep calling and breathing down the phone. I'm always waiting. Nicholas. That's the only reason I've still got a landline. It's me. But congrats on the new film, Nosferatu. And thank you so much for stopping by and for being so funny and terrific. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
No one expects that. What? What's up, Matt Gurley? What's the plan?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I love staff reviews because as the... What is my title at this company? Am I CEO? No. Am I chairman? No. Am I...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I do that, but that's all I do. All I do is come into meetings and go, hey guys. Let's do some wheeling and dealing. And then Adam and Fedorovich and Ross are all like, what? And I'm like, yeah, some wheeling and dealing. They're like just and they just pushed me out of the room and I've got my shirt buttoned down. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Okay, let's move on. I like, as the grand poobah, I like talking to the employees and telling them how I think they could do better.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Eduardo, don't hide. And be a man about this, Eduardo. Can you step away from the machinery that you employ?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
um have a seat eduardo and uh is this your first time at the table uh i think for the happening i was oh interrogated yeah just have a little seat there eduardo and um buckle up buckle up okay now eduardo if you don't mind this is a very very large company huge company there are literally have tens of thousands of employees your full name please eduardo perez Okay, Eduardo Perez.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Let me help you. Eduardo Perez. Perfect. So, Eduardo Perez. Eduardo, you are... I'm going to start by buttering you up before I chop you down. You made this beautiful studio that we're in, state-of-the-art. You're a very talented guy, and I applaud you for your work. Thank you. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Okay. What I'm saying, Sona, is that I want... Don't... How dare you harumph?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
They're not here right now, but you did a fantastic job. And you've done, as far as I can tell, mostly a really good job here. Excellent job. Describe your duties. You have to make sure that the equipment's all functioning. Duties. Duties, yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
That was not breathing. That was a harumph. If that's your breathing, I'm worried about you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
yeah yeah i explode in rage no i know that i when i when i have an idea or i want to push something through and punch it uh you probably have to ride all the dials all the time constantly exactly riding your levels the most uh versus of all three of you sometimes a guest will match your energy and i'll have to ride you and the guest yeah that can happen sometimes yeah but you're that happened with doris kearns goodwin
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
She was started talking about Lyndon Johnson and she was shouting. Yeah. And then I was doing bits and she was doing bits. You know, it was also difficult to record sometimes. Jimi Hendrix. That's right. The great artists are sometimes hard to capture.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I think all those years in the coal mine have hurt you. I believe, Sona, that you should be a little more disciplined here about your work and you should tell your tales into the microphone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I don't care about the devices around me. I do see myself as a purely artistic cloud that just emanates energy, goodness, and genius. Yeah. And then these machines, they aren't my concern. These are the concerns of others. Okay. Like, is it Eduardo Perez?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Eduardo, you know, you do a very good job. You did, we were... According certain celebrity recently, I believe it was I believe it was Caitlin Olsen, of course, and very talented, wonderful. And she comes in and we were all excited to talk to her. And then there was an issue. And I hate to bring this up in your review, but it felt like you weren't ready to go when it was time to go. What happened?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah, and I'm actually pretty fluent in this. I was doing a bit before, but which one is it? It's called Console. Yeah, Console, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And so what happened? Be specific and really get into the minutiae because I can match you. Sure.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, we all know what that is. It means it was buffering.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Can you seriously use the real terminology? Because you're talking to me like I'm an idiot. I have worked in show business for a long time and I know a lot about television. I also know about the audio aspect of things.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah. You have to load Pro Tools. You have to load Console. But my question is, did you try anything else before you went to... what anyone would do, which is unplugging it and then plugging it back in again. I did, yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Did you try the force? There is no try. There's only do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined by Sona Movsesian. Hi, Sona. You done coughing? That was a lot of coughing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Control, alt, force quit. Listen, can I tell you something? I believe that was the easy thing to do, and it took a long time. Caitlin had to sit here for a little bit because— I feel like it was a minute. Excuse me. It was longer than a minute. It was at least a minute and 15 seconds. It felt like eternity for me, I'll tell you that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Yeah, and I could tell she's a lovely person, but she was thinking of leaving. I could tell. She handled it like a champ. I was more nervous about your energy than I was about her energy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Prince, anytime anyone in his band hit one note that was a little bit off, he would find them. He would find them. He's a psychopath. No, that's not the point.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I hear the music just the way Prince did. And I think in our each in our fields, I'm every I am the prince of podcasting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And I'll tell you this. I just question, did you panic and force quit? Because there were other things you could have tried first. Like what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I don't know. You could have gone to Ultra. Sorry? Ultra. What's Ultra? I'm not even fucking talking about Ultra. It's a parallel system that you can use. You can access it. And then you can go to Hibernate. If you had used Ultra and you had gone to Hibernate, don't... Hey, Sona, you're just laughing because you're embarrassed you don't know anything. What?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You could have knocked it all down like three generations.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And did you try compression? Compression? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, listen, next time look to me and I can help you. You got it. Okay? Yeah. I do like the work that you're doing. Thank you. I'm very lucky to have you. Thank you. And I'm very fortunate that you've done such a beautiful job. And this table, this is your baby. This is one of my babies, yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
We do. Oh my God. You know what? That's a fair point. Oh my God. There are, I want to say over, there are 28 years of, of there's 28 years where I'm making late night television. And I think there may be easily 2000 hours of, of me playing whatever guitar song I want to play that day while people in headsets desperately try to get me to rehearse a sketch.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You put this table together and any time one of us, it's happened, Sona's always bringing various soups from home, soups that your mother made, soups from the home.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You know when you come in with your soups from the old country?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Have you noticed that when, just back me up on this. Admit, first of all, you bring in a lot of soups from the old country. Throw yourself under the bus.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
But listen, but listen, it spills. Whenever a liquid spills, you freak. I do freak out. Because there's a lot of very expensive electronics underneath this beautiful table. Under the hood, yes. Under the hood. Did you know when you were building this table, did you know that, first of all, I get clumsy sometimes with my drinks. So, and of course, ubiquitous soups. I had a feeling.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, I ingest a lot of fluids to keep the old pipes lubricated, so to speak.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Okay, I did spill a full glass of water. However, how many times have you been in here with, and she drinks it out of a stone bowl. Yeah. And it's some Armenian stew or potash, right? Am I wrong? And you come in and you've got that big spoon. It's crazy big, like the Flintstones.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
How many times? Oh, I said one. She was having some of this hush. And I said, what you got there? And she said, you want some? She said, you want the hoof? You want the hoof? Remember? And I said, no, I don't want the hoof.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, anyway, great. So you're welcome. I finally got you to admit that you do bring tons of you bring hush in in a big stone bowl that's been frozen for years because it's from the old country. Gotcha, Sona. Oh, my God. Eduardo, thank you for all your work. And you are impeccable. Thank you very much. My only question is, how valuable could your job be if you can walk away from it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
completely and everything's fine i built it so that oh you built it yeah yeah yeah yeah okay you're such a good surgeon that halfway through the surgery you can walk away for a peer review yeah oh you know what i'm with you on this because he did plug in and plug out and plug in that's what i would have done yeah i could do what you do yeah yeah oh and also what do i do i guess i'll reboot the whole thing
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
It is true. When Sona's having joy... I feel like I'm having a heart attack. When Sona's experiencing true joy... I have all the symptoms of a major aortic aneurysm.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
My grandfather used to say, it's not the cough that carries you off. It's the coffin they carry you off in. Fun guy. Anyway, then he'd say good night and shut the door. We'd have to go to sleep. Matt, how are you? Matt Gourley. I'm good. How are you? I'm good. I have a little pet peeve. Oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
See, so you guys are afraid before I come in the room that once I show up, I'm going to shut everything down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Can I just say that if someone is struggling in a situation like this, better help is probably. Oh my God. With better help, you can get online counseling.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
But just use offer code Conan. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, exactly. And you know what? Rap.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
You can, if a therapist isn't a good fit, you can cut off that session right away and it's no hassle to start another one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
It is like Miller time. You know how it's like Miller time? When you're a bunch of buddies standing around, and you know what you want when you're with buddies? You want beer that tastes like beer. Do you know what I mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
He wanted to get farther away from the water and closer to the sun and just be miserable.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, you'd be an amazingly cool friend to have. I have to say, I am a massive fan of yours. Thanks. And you seem like a very normal, healthy person, and I'm sure you don't love compliments ladled on you. No, I do. I always liked your work. Oh, you do? Okay. Well, first time I saw you was in About a Boy, which is such a great film. And you were so good in that movie with Hugh Grant.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
My pet peeve is that sometimes we gather around these mics, these microphones, these holy transmitters of our wise words. And we're supposed to do a podcast. And then you guys start yammering. Mostly, I think we know who the criminal is here at Sona. You'll start yammering about something and we haven't begun. And you're like, yeah, before we get started and you'll yammer sometimes for 20 minutes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And it holds up. I think I've watched it many times since then. It's one of those movies, whenever it's on, I love you in it. I love the story. I love Hugh Grant. It's just so well done. I love the soundtrack, blah, blah, blah. And then I saw you kill it in many roles. And then you started doing The Great with Elle Fanning.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And my eyeballs fell out of my head because I thought, Nicholas Holt is one of the funniest actors alive. You are so good in that role. And here's the thing. You're walking this insane line of... a terrible murderer who, you know, who is constantly on the verge of killing his wife and by today's standards, just an inhuman barbarian and incredibly likable. And I thought, what kind of...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Juno move is that, but I loved your character in that. I thought you were absolutely hilarious in that role.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Well, you could tell you guys have such a great chemistry, but also huzzah became, I think you put huzzah on the map. It's back. Huzzah is back. Oh, huzzah. And also just that self-assurance, constantly obsessed with your cock and sex. And I just, I'm just watching this and thinking. Is this the segue? I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
It's a very aggressive word, cock. Strong sounds. It is. But also just this kind of musing about sex and what he's going to do next. It was just hilarious. He turned British.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And he's the kind of person who might say, hmm, I may have to murder you now. But would say it out loud and then go, well, probably shouldn't have said that out loud. That's the kind of I think that show. I mean, first of all, the acting across the board who plays the I mean, such terrific acting. But the the the minister of war, the general. Oh, Douglas Hodge.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
And I'm thinking, why aren't we making this the podcast? Why can't you control yourself?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
He's constantly, but again, he was a great character because he's this, you know, he's this Russian general who's drunk all the time, but also, but also has common sense. I mean, he is the voice of reason often in a scene, but also not. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I don't know, that series was so delightfully surprising and I watched that and then I knew that I had a Nicholas Hoult obsession when, I don't know if you guys remember, but Elle Fanning came on the podcast and we were talking about the show and I kept saying, tell me more about Nicholas Hoult. And she would indulge me and she was like, well, you should talk to Nicholas.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I did. And she gave it to me. And then it was like a suspiciously wrong. It was a five, five, five.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Oh, I'm sorry, Marlon Brando. I didn't realize you were... You have a process?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
So I just want to go through, I just want to walk you through your career, which at such a young age, you've had such a range of experiences and so much success. But, you know, I know that you had worked as a child, but then about a boy is when it's like 2002, I want to say. Yeah, about that, yeah. And you're working with Hugh Grant, who, by the way, has had this,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I mean, he started out as one type of performer in romantic comedies, and now he's become, he's found this whole other sweet spot that I find extremely emerald. He is so good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
I maintain, and I have many people, I think many people will agree with me, Paddington 2, and it sounds like I'm making a joke.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
Paddington 2 might be a perfect movie. And I think it has a score on Rotten Tomatoes of just absolute perfection. I've watched Paddington 2 several times. Looking for a flaw, there isn't one. But Hugh Grant is so delightfully, insanely over the... He's having such a good time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Nicholas Hoult
But you worked with him, you were young, 10, 11, 12, something like that. You're working with Hugh Grant and he taught you by observing him, you learned from him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I remembered watching it. All of us were blown away. Your Tom Cruise impression was fantastic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Jim Downey, great. Who's been on this podcast, amazing head writer. When he saw something that was great, he knew this has to just be on. I find it so interesting that people can go back and look at that Color of Money parody that you did and you should look it up and check it out. But to me, it was saying, it occurred to me today, oh, this was the way to go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You were ahead of your time, in my opinion. I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
When I first saw you, you were doing a spot on Tom Cruise impression. And then you flash forward all these years with Tropic Thunder. Yeah. and Tom Cruise plays this executive in Tropic Thunder. I've talked to Tom Cruise about it. It is one of the funniest cameos. He comes out of nowhere and I know that he came to you when you, I don't know if you approached him about playing this character.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
What's the character's name? Is it Lou? Les Grossman. Les Grossman. Yeah. He had like two requests. Jewish. Yeah. I mean, it's never really stated, but it's kind of implied. Just occurred to me now that's a Jewish name. But he had requests, right? He had two requests. Correct me if I'm wrong. Or you could say he wanted his hands.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
What's crazy to me is that when he said those things to you, you might have been thinking, oh, what? I don't know, did you right away say?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yeah, yeah. Anyway... This is a jacket that it was like the day before Christmas. And I saw this jacket in a store and I tried it on. I thought, that's a nice jacket. So I just bought it and I drove home and I handed it to my wife and said, just give this to me tomorrow. And she said, OK. She said, should I wrap it? And I went, you don't even have to wrap it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But at the end, And then he said he wanted to dance, yeah. When he starts dancing. First of all, I talked earlier when we started out about your body of work, and it is crazy. There's so many movies that you've directed which have so many moments in them where I go like, okay, that's one of my favorite comedy moments. Zoolander, the gasoline station fight. Oh, God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
When they're throwing gasoline on each other and laughing in slow motion. Slow motion. It is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It delights me every time I think about it. Also, when you and Owen are trying to hack into a computer and you become more or less apes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
That's a masterclass in the difference between this way is funny, this way is not. It's awful. And you can't really explain why, but... No, no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But that is a great, like I say, if you ever teach a class on comedy, which, which would sell out just the idea of this is the way we showed it in the movie. Yay. Let me show you a way that we didn't go with people crying and screaming. If it bends, it's funny. Yes, no, it's true, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And I thought, is that, do either of you two relate to that? Is that something that happens? I've been married now 22 years. Is that what happens?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
In Tropic Thunder, when you're running across the bridge and you... When the kid gets thrown, I got on the floor. It's so wrong in every way. It's so wrong in every way. Like, there's not anything else that's wrong in that movie. No, no. There's... There's so much that's- Nothing comes to mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But absolutely, so just the body of work, Reality Bites, Cable Guy has so much funny shit in it, you know, and- Well, like all those are, you know, collaborations with people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
who are funny and you know it doesn't just come from me it's you know it's well i could always tell that because all those years when i was doing the late night show through all your different stages you would always show up and want to and say okay let's do something and you would come with ideas and then you would spend a long time making the this great idea come to life working with other people working with us and then you would do this thing it would be on it you know
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
12.50 at night on NBC and you either saw it or you didn't. This was before internet and it was, I mean, it was great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It was it was it was now I look back on it and I think, wait a minute. We were doing a 1230 show and Ben Stiller would come by and work all day on doing a nine minute comedy piece for us. You know, but I was thinking, how did I, how did, how did that happen? Like that's that. I mean, I, I, I did something right in a previous life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yeah, exactly. I'm like, it'll be good. We'll come over. No, that's the problem is a late night host now would look at like, oh no, I saw you. You did Jesus Christ Superstar with Conan. So we thought maybe you could do a thing where you're Godzilla and you're like, no, I just want to come out in a good Tom Ford suit. Exactly. Chat about my work. Yeah, I'm tired. Are you...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
My son did this as a kid. He was really into tech stuff and he would send us like, here are the nine things. This is the XC755G, whatever, something board, motherboard. Just click here and it will be delivered. He took all the joy out of, just click here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I heard you were working on a documentary about your parents. And I wanted to talk about that because I grew up watching your parents, the great Ann Mira, Jerry Stiller. And I remember they were kind of ubiquitous when I was a kid. I thought they were really funny. I'd see them on Love American Style or... They'd be these different, they'd be in ads. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And I just knew, oh, these are these really funny people, but I didn't know exactly who they were. And then later on, they came on the show in their own right. Of course, your dad was on Seinfeld. Yeah. Very well known that way. Yeah, I mean, they had, yeah, they were a comedy team. An old school comedy team.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Interesting. Yeah, and- Did they do like Sullivan and all those shows? They did.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I have a sense memory of them because there was that era where a comedy team could come into people and talk about like half the country would be watching. Yeah. Them do a routine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It's hard for people to know now because there's 75, there's an infinite number of outlets. Yeah. So there's no such thing as, well, I came on Conan, or I came on one of Conan's late night show a couple of years ago and he wasn't pleased. So we're through in the business. Well, no, there's a billion other places to go. There's no such thing as you're through kid. You displeased me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But this was a different era where if Sullivan didn't like you and there was a problem, that was it. That could be it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
So I didn't used to do that, but I think it's just because I'm now in a different stage of life where I'll see something, you know, this isn't that much. I'm not splurging. It's a corduroy jacket. It's perfectly nice. I would like to wear that, hand it to my wife. I think she kept it in the bag. I handed it to her. You guys don't want any surprise?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And I'm editing this part out of the podcast. Let's come up with a number, gang. I needed Conan. That's great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Well, first of all, I love that. I love that. And I do think that it was so nice that your dad got to have that role. And then he's in King of Queens after that. And so he has this whole- Yeah, it changed his life. And there's a whole generation that knows him from that stuff. You know what I mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I'll do a dance for you, whatever you want. Boy, do I relate to that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It's funny, because I know you did, early on, you were a musician, drummer. Well, just sort of. Super early on, but did you ever think that was going to be it, or did you always know? No, I was not a great drummer. I was a terrible drummer. I know you were in a band called Capital Punishment. Capital Punishment, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Right, I was in a band called The Bad Clams, and I was a drummer, and then I told them, I'm out. I don't have time for this. I've got other things. And I remember thinking, good luck without me. And they replaced me with a drum machine. Oh. Can we do that on this podcast? And people were just like, whatever, it's better. It's keeping time correctly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But yeah, that was just a that was a that was a moment for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Oh, and in that documentary, they're saying things like, you mean great, like a great drummer, like, you know, Keith Moon from The Who and he goes, no, I'm talking about real drum. I mean, people are mentioning icons to him or John Bonham from Led Zeppelin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You have, just in addition to these movies you're directing, and you had all this crazy success as an actor, and then you've sort of made a conscious decision to step back a little from that, I'd say in the last five, seven years, and say, okay, what I really want to do is craft things, direct, produce. Was that a conscious decision?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And I loved, to me, it's about, you get to craft something. You get to take some time. I know how much telling a story visually is important to you. And so you get time to, let's get this exactly the way we want it. And I always think the plus and minus of doing things that are live or done quickly is, is we'll grab it, it may not go our way. Sometimes when it goes well, you get the rush.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
When it goes badly, it's over and it's time to do another one. But if you get to really craft something, it's a very different feeling, I would guess. Over a long period of time, you get to think about what is this gonna look like? How am I going to tell this story?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Did you ever consider being in prison for several years? Do you really... I mean, if you really, I'm sorry, if you really, if he really wants to capture the story, I think he should have, if you took it seriously, I think you would have done three years in prison. Years?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I thought you did a fantastic job, but think about what you could have done if you had been in prison. If I'd actually experienced it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
many of our listeners want me in prison right now well this this leads me uh nicely to severance because i'm lucky enough to be friendly friends with and encounter people all the time especially in the comedy world and acting world and so i kind of semi know adam scott and uh my wife and i watch severance when it comes out and i shortly after that i see adam scott and i said
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
that was the best thing that's been on television in memory. That was fantastic. And he was like, oh, you know, thanks a lot, man. And I was like, no, no, no. And I'm like, I think I put my hand on his chest. Like, no, no, no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You don't understand. Why? I know there's a show business thing. Have you felt his chest, Adam Scott's chest?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
No, but my... You know, the way there's a show business thing of, hey, man, I saw your thing. It was really good. And it's, you'll say it about me at some point, but. That's so sad. It'll come out naturally. We'll edit it in. And I'll touch your chest. But I, it was very important to me to let him know, no, no, no, no, I'm not doing that thing. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I'm doing this other thing where, and he was, you know, appreciative, I think, and then just wanted to get away. But the quality of the storytelling, the intricacy of it, the respect it has for the audience, it's so smart. And there's so many layers to it that there's, I mean, I've gone into deep dives where people discuss, you know, just various levels of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Oh, you mean like you want to get the clothes yourself?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And it all holds up because when you put that much thought into something, it's really beautiful when people appreciate it and see it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And start to go like, oh, wait a minute, what do you think's going on? And the whole concept of severance is fantastic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You don't know. You've basically built this giant contraption and you put it out there and you don't know, is it going to work? Yeah. What if people watch the first episode and say, I don't care.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Well, I've always said it takes a lot of talented people working really hard to make something shitty. Meaning when you see something and everyone sits around and hate watches it or says this is bad. That was a lot of oftentimes very talented people working really hard. And it just didn't come out quite the way they wanted it to. Or it came out at the wrong time or whatever. Whatever it is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Whatever it was. And then those same people can work on something and it can be absolutely amazing. And you're all in on it the whole time. Yeah. So you can't go back. And it's just sort of like, okay, so this is it. There are these moments, I talked to you earlier about, there are always these moments in your work where I remember them. They're really fantastic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
There was a moment, there's so many moments in the first season of Severance that were, first of all, the look of it. And there are moments as where I think you as a director, the use of corridors and ceilings, like... When I watch this show, I feel like I'm down underground and I'm in that place. And it's a very specific, the lighting, the look of it, the vibe.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You've got these great wide, like flat shots sometimes. And it does feel a little bit like Kubrick or something. It's just like all the references are absolutely incredible and bears rewatching. Like you can rewatch it over and over and over again. It's really hypnotic. But there's a moment with the actor, he plays Lance. Is it Trammell Tillman? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Then you have to get a new penis. Then you know what to ask for.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
There's a moment, I'm not giving anything away, where he goes into a dance in this first season. And it's my favorite moment in television of that year because it's not part of his character, but then he goes into this kind of dance. And the way you shoot it, and I think I've watched it like 20 times. Yeah. I don't know this gentleman. Please tell him I'm his biggest fan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But that was my favorite moment. It was so, it came at me in such a weird way from the side. You know what I mean? It came through my peripheral vision and it was so fantastic. And the way it was scored, the music. And and the tension building while he's doing this kind of what's supposed to be a joyous thing. It was. Yeah, it's sort of David Lynch. It's everything. It's like 15 different.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I took your penis away when I bought you this gift. What is it? A penis! I sold my vagina.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
At the heart of this show is this concept. And again, this isn't giving anything away because anyone who's listening to this and you need to watch this show, but you also, if you haven't seen the first season, watch that. And the concept is people working at this company and to go into this company, they descend and they're disassociated from their previous life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And so their work life and the person who's up above ground, they're the same person. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I sold my vagina to get you this penis. I sold my penis to buy you a vagina. Oh, Henry's worst story.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And you see there's a subtle thing you do with the lens when you're going when Adam Scott's going down the when the elevator. And I don't know what it is. I don't technically understand it, but something happens where you can see the focal point kind of change just a little bit enough to know that they've gone through a transformation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
So everyone's severed from what's happening to them at the top of the world. And there are so many analogies to that, which is why would these people choose to do that? And one of the things, and I might be fishing here, but it very much felt to me like, oh, this is like alcohol or drugs, people that something happened in their life, they want to disassociate from it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And anyone who's had issues with drugs or alcohol knows that there's a reason you're doing that. You want to be somebody else because being who you are and feeling that's too painful. It's just really, I mean, there's like 35 different scholars could talk about all the different things that are brought up in one way or another in Severance.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And the work they're doing is so, I mean, it's really funny. The work they're doing on their computer screens is hilariously, I mean, it is analogous to how a lot of people feel about their jobs, right? You know, I'm here moving these numbers around. Kind of widgets. Widgets. And it doesn't make sense. When I watch it, it doesn't make sense.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But when someone does it, they're like, good for you, you did it. And I think many people, many Americans watching it would say, that's what it feels like at work.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
No, but when you get her her ninth, look, it's a chess set made of cork. They've only made a few of these in the 30s. What a horrible gift. You know, does she go, oh my God, this is amazing. Or do you ever see a single tear?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
So he wrote, I mean, to me, it's also, it is a great message for people that there are a lot of people that say, oh, it's all who you know. And it's like, no, if you have a really good story to tell and a great idea and you write it, the cream does, the truth does out. The cream does rise to the top.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
If you put something out there that's of real quality, it's going to bounce around and someone like you was going to find it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Also, this cast you have. I mean, I mentioned Adam Scott and Britt Lauer is amazing and incredible in it. But also, you've got John Turturro. You've got Christopher Walken. I mean, you've got... There's something really fascinating about this show, which is that people naturally, when they work together, want to create community.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And there's something happening here at Lumen where they kind of really don't want people... talking, they don't want people getting too close to each other. Right. And that's another mystery. And I know, I think the reward of a show like this is that you get really smart fans online. And there are so many of them. Yeah. That are all arguing about what does this mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And Eduardo, when I came in, Eduardo was, no, but no, Eduardo, you said, you said, you. I said, don't fuck this up. Don't fuck this up. Severance, man, don't fuck this up. Not my quote. Ben Stiller has been around a long time and we could shoot the shit about a lot of things. And I do intend to spend a half the time talking about Severance. You're like, you don't fuck it up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
He's seen me fuck up a lot of stuff. But I read an interview with Patricia Arquette, who's amazing in the show, and she has this quote about you as a director. It was just about your tenacity, how hard you work, how important it is to you that you get it right. It was really lovely.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yeah. I haven't gotten to that point yet. but I've heard tell you can only control so much. I've learned the hard way, you know? Well, but I will say on a personal note, like when you walk in the door, you seem happy. Yeah. And I know that you're someone who, one of the, maybe the subtitle of this podcast could be, sometimes I want it to be, be careful who you envy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Like I want to talk to people and let everyone know everyone's got shit. Everyone has got things that they're dealing with. And Predominantly, I get to talk to people like yourself who are very talented and have done this amazing work. And you're trying to figure out most of the things that everyone else is trying to figure out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
She got mad at you because you spent too much money. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
So when you walked in after all these years to see that you look great, you seem happy, this is incredible work you're doing. And I love that you're able to say to yourself, yeah, I can go back and be in something again. I think you're gonna go back and maybe do a cameo in.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I mean, like you can dip into that when you want, but you can enjoy this and also enjoy your life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Enjoying your life. I mean, and that's that. And you and I are talking about it as if we don't know what that is. I know. Exactly. We've heard tell of this life thing. My agent tells me my children are thriving. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
No, it's okay. And you're keeping it in because, you know, that's fine. And you know what? We love your wife and I take her side. But it was really expensive.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
We don't know what's happening. I think I'm told I have kids. I have to go up in the elevator.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Well, I am delighted for you. I'm really delighted. I figured it all out. I have no problems. Why are you crying? You're crying as you say it, and it's tears of blood. It's just fucking weird. Yeah. I just figured it all out. Ben, just an absolute joy to see you again. You too, man. I'm so delighted for you. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Thanks. And I have a very just nice, funny little memory of I lived predominantly on the Upper West Side for years, all those years I was doing late night. And for some reason, I would always run into your mom on the Upper West Side, and she was so lovely to me and such a real person on the Upper West Side. You know, such an Upper West Side.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Oh, she was absolutely, you know, we Catholics have to stick up for each other.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
If it's weird and indulgent, if it's weird and indulgent, I'm going to love it. All right. That's what you are, weird and indulgent. Okay. I think I spelled it out enough. Yeah. Hey, Ben, thank you so much. Yeah, man. And congrats on Severance. Great to see you. Thanks, man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Well, but maybe times were tight. Maybe she knew that... We were fine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yes, I do try to reuse merchandise as much as possible because we know where our merchandise is sent. And so I try to go there. So I'm often in my downtime patrolling the Midwest, the Southern states, the Southwest and the Pacific Northwest looking for people wearing Conan Merchant. And I just try to reclaim it as best I can so we can sell it a second time. That's what it was.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And I do sometimes take other stuff when I'm in the houses.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
No, she's still not sure how she feels. Well, what do we think of this story?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yes, I'm gonna say that too. I think, and I wanna say this to all my fans. If someone, and first of all, let me start by saying to this woman, true travels of hope. I wanna say to true travels of hope that I very much appreciate that you're a loyal fan and that our nonsense has meant something to you. And so this comes from the bottom of my heart. Our merchandise is not worth risking your life for.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Mm-hmm. No. This is very shoddy material. It's often repurposed. Some of it might be toxic and endangering your life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
That's an old Friday Night Lights shirt that we spray painted over using really an out-of-date spray paint. So no, do not risk your life. Do not approach a burglar. If anyone approaches you and says, you know, give me that Conan O'Brien merch, Just give it up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I know. Also, here's another thing. She said she ripped it off. Like he's a stripper. Like it's a tearaway shirt. I think the shirts are so threadbare and cheap that you can just rip them off.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Or most Conan, most people that own Conan merch are so, and I'm speaking about myself in the third person, so love Conan that they rarely take it off and it becomes threadbare more quickly, hence easily to tear. So I think that's a possibility. I don't know. I don't think people should be risking their lives for Conan merch. No. Especially the mugs. I mean, the mugs often explode.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You know what? I'm going to say this. If I get anything for the kitchen, I know I'm in very dangerous territory because my wife, my wife runs the kitchen. And and if I walk in the door and I'm like, look, it's a giant juicer that only does pineapples.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
That's been proven. Mugs could be good weapons. Yeah. No, not our mugs. They just turn to powder the minute you hit someone. But it's nice. She did say we met, but she doesn't say where we met. She said it was midnight. And I can't tell from the picture where we were. So maybe it's when I broke back into the house to get the shirt back after my initial failed attempt.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
You realize I'm the guy that asks people, would you like a selfie? Yes. When often they don't even have a phone near them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
But, well, I'm glad she got her shirt back. I'm glad she's okay. I'm glad she's okay. But I do think we should take a lesson away from this that, you know, look, if it's Marvel merchandise, yes, fight for your life to get it back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I remember once Sona and I were in Worcester, Massachusetts, and there is an armory there. And there's an armor museum, a museum of like Flemish, British, French armor from 18th and 19th century. And we were in there, and this is during Sona's, let me see if I can get away with this phase. Sona walked out wearing a full suit of armor.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It was from 1622. And it had all this fancy filigree on it. And so the guy said, excuse me, miss, I think you, and she was like, what, what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And you had the visor down, so he didn't even know. Right? He didn't know who you were.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It was a suit of armor that you stole from Worcester, Massachusetts, and you should give it back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Can you look up the, what's the Museum of Armor? We're fact-checking this?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
This fake story? It's not fake. It really happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Worcester, Massachusetts, Museum of Armor. Come on. What do you mean I'm working on it, old lady?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Higgins Armory? Yes! Higgins Armory, it was the one thing when I would go visit my cousins, every time my aunt would say it would be raining out, we'd be like, we got nothing to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And she'd say, go to the Museum of Armor. Oh, my God. And so we'd drive over to the Higgins Museum of Armor. And there was no attempt to make it look interesting. Just literally a giant warehouse. And someone had lots of suits of armor that they just laid out. They didn't even put mannequins in them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Greatest days of my life. Boy, did this little orange-haired boy love a suit of armor.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And then the beatings commenced. Anyway, take care, fans. Don't stop crime. And visit the Higgins Armor Museum in Worcester, Massachusetts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It's been badly stored. Yeah, I know. I've done that. I've purchased a few things for the kitchen. And I noticed that she was very pleasant about it at the time. And then it went away. Mm-hmm. It got exchanged for something else.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Got a nice little podcast humming along here. Got Sonam Obsessian joining us. I don't normally say this, but that was adorable. Didn't you think? That's a nice little podcast we got.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
What is it, the Great Depression? What are you talking about?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I agree. Now, first of all, I'm not saying expensive presents, but I'm sorry, on the holidays, when kids come down, little kids, it has to be so many presents, it's mind-boggling. And I don't care. I know people are going to say, well, this is terrible. What if people can't afford it? Steal them if you have to. What? Kids have to be just spending hours.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
The room has to be filled with crumpled paper when the day is over.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Oh, I know that. You've been wearing your Dr. Zayas special for like 20 years now. Dr. Zayas.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I know, but that's too much. I mean, it's really. What kind?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It looks like you slept in a bus station or something. For God's sake.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I bet you have. But the question is, with who? By myself. By yourself, eh? So you were just traveling. I like trying to still do the sexy leering talk. Long after the sexy part's over. So you weren't just by yourself having a nap, huh?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Wearing a bulky jacket by yourself. That's not bulky. Listen, you've wore that jacket too long. We're not going to get stuck on that. But get a new jacket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Can I just get you guys to shut up? I do have jackets I've had for a long time, but I have more than one. More than one. More than one. If someone stole your jacket, you're freezed to death. It's the only jacket you have.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
That's how I feel about it. Wow. I do. I do feel like we got this nice, nothing grand, nothing fancy, nothing you could, you know, you put this on the lot, it'll be the last car to go. But I think it's a sweet little ride. You know, I like it. I think it's an adorable little podcast and I'm proud of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
It gets cold at night into the 40s, some say. Hmm. All right, listen. I won that one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yeah, and you get her an espresso machine, and the whole thing blows up in your face.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I mean, no, that was, you took a chance. It didn't go well. I am gun-shy since then. Exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I bought your dad a new mustache, and he wears it every day.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
All I have to do when I do an impression of her dad is put a finger under my nose, and there he is. There's Gil right there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Oh, you just did it. You just put the finger under your nose to do your dad. Dad, don't make me do that. I put this wrap sign up hours ago. All right, we're going to wrap it up. Anyway, find out from your spouse about presents. Don't buy that espresso machine. It's too expensive. Never wear the same leather jacket for more than 30 years in a row. These are our suggestions. Good night.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
My guest today is a tremendously accomplished actor, filmmaker, and showrunner. You know him from, of course, Meet the Parents, Zoolander, and Dodgeball, and just the tip of the iceberg right there. He's the director and executive producer of Severance on Apple TV+. Season two premieres January 17th. I am very excited about it because Severance was my jam. Ben Stiller, welcome.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I've contacted you many times through your people. Yeah. I often get just, we'll get back to you. That's why I have people. Yeah. But what's weird, can I just say something what's weird? The people sound suspiciously like Ben. It sounds like Ben picking up and he says, let me get Ben's people. And then the people sound a lot like you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Hey, I got a question for you guys. What do you think of my jacket? I like your jacket. Okay, let me tell you something. Here's the story of this jacket.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Well, I've known you a very long time, and I was very excited you're coming in today because you're one of my all-time favorite comedy people. Your body of work is fucking crazy stunning. We're gonna talk about Severance, which was my favorite show. That first season was perfection, and I am delighted that Severance is coming back, so much so that your people said, I can watch a few episodes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
And they said, you can watch a couple of episodes of this new season. We'll make them available to you. And I'm like, no, no, no. I'm re-watching season one to watch season two. And I don't want to watch it on a computer. Yes. I don't want to watch it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I want to watch it because I think the direction, which is you, is, I know some other people direct, but you direct the majority of these episodes, is absolutely fantastic. The art design, the acting, the whole thing is through the roof. Thanks, man. It's delightful. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yeah, I hate it. I've had people say that before. Not about this jacket, but I've had people be very frank with me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
I don't know. I think seriously was the first place I went wrong. And then the joke is trying to say that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
We're going to talk about it because anyone who's listening to this right now, if you're not watching Severance, if you didn't see season one, go and watch it. It's just, I think, flawless. And there's so many images in it, moments in it. And it's got me thinking about so many things. So I'm very psyched for season two. But along those lines, I just wanted to go back to... I'll just touch on it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Met you for the first time. We mentioned this last time, but I think it bears repeating. I met you when you came to SNL and right away was doing one of the funniest things I'd seen when you played a grown up Eddie Munster.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
Yeah. A few other people, if I'm wearing something, they tell me they don't like it. I saw this jacket. It was not even, wasn't that much money. I saw it. It's a nice color of brown corduroy. Let me describe it for those of you who can't see it right now. It's a very rich.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
outfit but you're jaded now yeah you had done a uh you had done a tom cruise uh film which was a parody of color of money and i looked at that film and i remember thinking well why isn't this this is what sound out live should be which later on if you look at what please don't destroy and a lot of the shorts from lonely island it became more these short films which are just you know
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Ben Stiller Returns
became more and more of the dna of the show when you first came along i was remembered the first thing i saw you do was that short that you had made i think yourself self-funded or something yeah i made it on my own is it before ben stiller show yeah no this was before anything i was i had i was in a play uh called the house of blue leaves off broadway and the cast the play was doing really well and it moved to broadway
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I couldn't. I was your... You couldn't be bothered. Yeah, I couldn't be bothered. I was like, don't I have people to do these things for me? No, I got a call from Liza, my wife at work, and she said, okay, they told us we got to go. And I said, okay. She said, I'm just going to grab... like two t-shirts, two pairs of socks, two pairs, whatever, a pair of jeans. I said, great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
She said, do you need me to take anything else? And I said, just grab the E.B. White letter off the wall, which is this letter that I, when I was 16, I wrote E.B. White a letter about how much I admired his writing and, how I aspired to try and make something of myself, but I was afraid of criticism because I'm thin-skinned. And he wrote me back this beautiful note, and it's signed E.B. White.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Take this, yeah. And so that's kind of... I said, grab that, but I didn't think about anything else. And I...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
i don't know why i get into and i think i've always been this way i think i was you know uh i can channel when i first moved out to l.a and i had a had a on cochran avenue had a 380 a month apartment and a 1977 isuzu opal that i bought at the airport for no money um and i just always channel like yep I've been there before and I was really happy, and I just have this kind of, if that, whatever.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
If whatever something happens, I'm not gonna get another Isuzu hopeful. No, you'll never get to that height again. But very, I don't know, I get on almost very calm about that and the material world and things like that. But then I also know if the reality came, there's my perception of how I would feel. And then, um, how would I really feel if that had happened? And we got really close.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I mean, it was right up to our line of our house. And, um, and then you just, I don't know. Uh, I could easily be here saying we don't have our house. And like I say, a lot of spoken to many of my friends who lost their homes and, um, Uh, so I don't know, you can't know how you would feel if that happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
So I have, you know, the possible illusion that I would say, well, it's just stuff, but no, I'm sure I would be, uh, devastated and emotional for a lot of reasons. But, um, it's just, uh, it's such a confusing time. And obviously it's just, um, what can we all do for people? If only I knew someone who had lost their, oh, right, you were mentioning.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
No, but like I'm saying is what, you know, that's the question is how can, what can we do for you? You know, you're loved. You've got all of us here. Money aside.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Can I just say the parameters first? Money aside, food aside, clothing aside. Love and affection aside. Love and affection aside. Sheltering you in any way at any one of my 19 mansions scattered. Any further contact aside. Yeah. Is there anything I can do for you? And also, I'm letting you go. Oh, no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
The band-aid is mostly torn off. Let's go the rest of the way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I had to make a decision. You were Gourley, and he does so much in the editing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Conan Fire Sona on podcast where she talks about losing her home. I'm looking forward to that. I know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I'm going to have mine destroyed. It makes you feel better.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
My leg kind of hurts. So I think I win. Well, you are, and it's funny because people, I think, I hope it comes through, but this is a real relationship. Yeah. You and I have been, I mean, Gorley, I don't barely know the guy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Johnny come lately. Icy to the touch. Well, if you just touched me once, maybe you'd know. Dad rubbing that icicle. But, you know, you've got us and and we will all help you in any way we can. Thank you. And I do think that this is. There's no way to fast forward through this. It's going to be a day-to-day thing for you for quite a while.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
So don't downplay it. Let's lead with Tack, your husband, and your boys.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
So many people have risen to the challenge and been... remarkably generous and human. And I lived in New York during 9-11, and I'm seeing the same thing again where people ask each other, you know, how are you doing? How are you? Where do you live? Are you okay? And had that conversation this morning at Bricks and Scones, which is the coffee place right next to us.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
You just start asking people, how are you? Where do you live? Are you all right? Are you okay? And it... It does, these things do bring sometimes the worst out of people, but often the best out of people. And I was remembering we, you know, the last time we did our outdoor chill chumps podcast was from Sona's backyard in Altadena, which is a really nice memory.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Mikey and Charlie. What do Mikey and Charlie know? Do they know anything?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And what I remember most is, uh, what a great time we had, but also that your neighbors came by, you had neighbors coming by to say hi.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And there's a vibrant community there that I think is resilient and can come back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I mean, it's easy for me to say, but I do think there's... I think there's such a will to bring that city back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I mean, that's the other thing, too, is we could find out and plug it in. But if there's a charity or there's a place that makes sense.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
My wife has been on to this and I shut it down because I was like, I was thinking of taking up golf and I want to buy those golf. No, no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Are you donating money to people that really need it? I set the clock the minute this happened. It's possible I could one day play golf. In which time clubs would need to be procured. No, she... She found that and it's amazing. It's easily findable, I think. Well, obviously... it can get sensitive. What's the right, where's the right place to, to give money if you can give money or to donate.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Um, and we need to be sensitive about that. We will do research. We'll maybe in the links that connect to this episode, give some suggestions. Uh, but there are so many different ways. Oh, what happened?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I think the burn I just suffered is every bit as bad as the one that attacked your home.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
If you want to, I think now, after the way I was just attacked, for, okay, maybe am I fluent in this new techno world? New? Of the last 40 years? Maybe not.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
But... I've now been humiliated and I feel I deserve compensation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I have a GoFundMe to help me, Conan O'Brien, recover from this dastardly blow. Um, I know the minute I start talking, why do I, why didn't I, what am I going to learn? Let you do it or let you do it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
You're talking to me like something like I'm damaged.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
When this episode comes through, through your machine. Oh no. And you're tuning it to get the right frequency. Look for a linkage. Just try this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Charity links in the show notes. Yeah, but I know you and it's the right thing to do. You're going to keep all of my blundering and stumbling in there. You're not going to edit it so I look good. And I applaud you for that because it's going to make a lot of people very happy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I cannot tell you how many people go, are you really that bad? And I say, it's not a bit. I honestly don't know how this world works. That is a common thing people say to me is, no, no, just tell me something. They want to know if Jordan Schlansky's real. And I go, yeah, he really is. And they go, and when you talk about like tech stuff, are you really that bad?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Yeah. My son is very gifted at these things, and he enjoys it so much. When I'm trying to do something, I do become... It is Zoolander where they're looking at the computer and he just enjoys it. And he won't jump in and go, here, I'll do it. He'll go, so what you trying to do there? What you doing? Well, I'm trying to see if I can clear this screen. Uh-huh, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
So is that why you're hitting the plastic part, the cover? Yeah. Just tell me what to do. No, no. Why don't you tell me what it is you're trying to do? So he just tortures me. Oh, man. He's a genius at it. He's good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
God gave him a wonderfully foolish father for him to enjoy. But is your... is your greater family. We talk about this a lot and we joke about it a lot, how connected you are to your family and your mom and dad. But it's also this great gift right now that you have these people in your life that they're so close.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I've been living so far away from my family for so long that your family unit is there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
When am I allowed? And I will respect this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I'm just curious. I mean, and I will respect if you say it's going to be three months or four months. And I love your dad. I love you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And then he became real. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
My true sickness is getting other people to start to do the bit themselves about that. I know. That's my true evil power. It's like comedic Stockholm syndrome.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
But your father's mustache wasn't damaged.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I want 20% off. And just put a little smudge there. No, you can't get the discount. Why not?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
They don't know that. They see a guy come in with half a mustache.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Who's going to challenge that? I challenge you? That looks freshly shaved? Not singed? I don't think anyone challenges that. Look, maybe I've gone too far. It's possible that I'm doing the exact wrong thing at this moment and that I'll pay for it. Terribly, but... I'm just glad he's okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
A gift. Yes. How's Tack specifically?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I hope my fireplace and iron survived.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I hope my bowling ball survived. My solid. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I think he is. I mean, he's an incredibly cool guy. He's very chill. He's very chill and he's very cool. And I love him. I admire him. And I think he's a good partner to have in a situation like this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Because people are just, everyone's saying, oh my God, the boys, the boys, the poor boys. And they're just, they just know. I mean, I used to think this way about snowstorms when I was a kid. I was just good news. And the people, it didn't matter what happened to anyone else. If school was canceled- So in their perspective, all they know is there's going to be some fun construction. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Your dog is having baked Alaska food. Sushi. Yeah, sushi. I think it's incredible.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Cordon bleu, chicken cordon bleu.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
There's no way. I mean, so many people are going to have some form of PTSD or whatever you, however you want to classify it from this. And so it is, as you know, I'm a huge proponent of, of it. And I, I don't necessarily come from a people that are, were believers in talk therapy. But, and I think Freud famously said, the only people who are immune to psychotherapy are the Irish.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Hello, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. It is a massive... Understatement to say this is a special episode or a unique episode. We are doing this episode without any guest. This is the first time we've all been together. since the wildfires broke out. And there's a lot to discuss and to process. We don't usually do this, but I'm just going to say the date.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
But I do think it's hugely helpful. Yeah. It would be good for you. And also talk to us about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Yeah. Well, I'll say this. I have found today... to be cathartic for me because I've been thinking about you a lot, Sona. And on a selfish level, I thought, I really want to get into a room with Sona. We've texted, we've talked on the phone, but I didn't see you until today. And I've just wanted you... I've wanted to be in a room with you and talk to you. And so this was...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
weirdly, even though you're the one who's really been affected much more, a million times more than I was, a billion times more, this was really special for me to get to talk to you and tell you face to face that I love you, whatever you need, we'll all get you through this. And we are a family and I'm including, oh God, Gourley. Don't do it. I'm gonna do it, Adam. Eduardo, Blay, we are a family.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And they get to build the house.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And also everyone who works here. And we, there was such a lovely outpouring, and I'm not gonna, online, of people, fans, reaching out to wonder how we were doing that was, just bowled me over. We are blessed. We're blessed a million times over with so many fans. So many people are rooting for you, Sona, and thinking about you. And...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
You're going to get through this with flying colors, and I am going to gradually work my way back into mocking and harassing you. It's going to take a long time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Which I think you should let them do. OK.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
No, I mean, when I say a long time, I mean, like, many hours.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I spent the last hour doing it already.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Yeah, I was going to say, is there really evidence? Oh, right. We do record these. I...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I think they can. But can I ask? And again, I'm not. How these things unfold is such a mystery. I know that for all of us, I was here working on Tuesday. We weren't podcasting, but I was meeting with writers and we were talking about the Oscars and we were working on that with that team. And I got a phone call from my wife saying, well, there's some smoke.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Well, you're really on the line. No. You saved it today. You're not fired today, but there's this very expensive electric bike I'm thinking of getting with company funds.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I don't know what's wrong with me, but love you. We're back. We're going to continue to make our foolishness and update you on, I mean, what is... This is, we'll update you on keep everyone listening and, and how, uh, how this process unfolds for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And, uh, you know, we, um, we're thinking not just of you Sona, but everyone out there who's been affected by this and, and to all the really incredible people who from all over the world that have reached out and been so lovely to us. We are blessed people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
It's unbelievable. And our own Sarah Federovich, who works here, has been working for me for, I want to say, close to 30 years, if not 30 years. Her husband, Brad, helped out there fighting these fires. Yeah. And so, yeah, enough cannot be said about—we have a screwy value system in our country where it's like, look, there's a celebrity.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And never has it looked more stupid, our value system, than right now, than when you see these people that really do put themselves in harm's way to save people's homes, save people's lives. It's absolutely incredible.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
But boy, I can't wait till we get back to revering Nate Swift.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
He's the true hero. You got that right, buddy. Anyway, everybody out there, stay safe. And thank you again for all of your good wishes and positive energy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And I remember thinking, well, we've been through this before. We've been evacuated. There's also been smoke and we haven't been evacuated. So there's very much, it's part of life in LA. And so I wasn't thinking that much about it. And then the next thing I know, she was like, we've been evacuated. And so I went from here to, you know, whatever, we went to a hotel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
And I went to sleep that night thinking, because we live in the Palisades. And I just remember thinking, I'm pretty sure that our house will go. And it did not. But just the number of people I've heard from, people I know personally who lost houses is stunning. It's crazy. And I know you're in Altadena and it must be the same thing where it's not just you. You must know so many people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Is there anything I'm is there anything that you're doing now that at least helps you feel like you can take steps? Like, I don't know what the process of we've been I've been locked out of we've been no one gets close to our neighborhood. I don't know when we'll get back to our neighborhood. But you've got this other consideration of, OK, what? What are the steps involved?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Meaning, yeah, do you with insurance claims, things like that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Yeah. And you can't process it all at once.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
But sometimes is that helpful to engage in like, okay, this is a tangible thing I can do that gets us to the next step rather than just sit and think about, perseverate, worry about what's happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
You sent me this great video of them on the beach. Yeah. Just having a wonderful time. Your boys.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
It's Thursday, January 16th, 2025. Fires broke out, I believe it was a week and two days ago, right? Yeah, Tuesday night. I think it started Tuesday afternoon and then got worse and worse and worse throughout the day. And we've all had our own experiences. But really, we have to start by acknowledging that, Sona, you lost your house. Yeah. And there, you know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Can I ask, did you have a chance before you left your house? Did you have a chance to get anything?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I went back in and got my Crocs. One of them. I got one of my Crocs. I just wanted one of them. I really liked the left Croc. But you got some heirlooms.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
That's right. He was on our Tonight Show. Yeah. And I remembered I introduced you to him and said, this is your number one fan. And he was so nice to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I think, too, there's a mantra everyone has now, which is correct, which is, oh, it's just stuff. And as long as we're OK and as long as my family's OK, and that's true. But you also have to acknowledge it's a loss. It's a loss because it's not so much the stuff itself. It's what it signifies. It's the memories. And you have to process that. You can't skip over that. you know, we're all okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
You can't skip right to that and stay there because, um, you are going to feel all these things.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
So do you need to, do they want you to prove that? Yeah. How do you do that? I have a piece of roof that I keep in my wallet. I mean, I don't know what the hell they're talking about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Yeah. I mean, I've been displaced. Me too. And I do not deserve a 20% discount. Can you imagine me going around, oh, I've been displaced. I have to live in a pretty nice hotel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Sir, this is a frozen yogurt establishment. Sir, you're buying a Rolex. I don't want to pay full price. And it's Patek Philippe to you, sir. No, it's it's it's it's it's absolute fucking craziness.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Yeah. What if you're doing that five years from now when you live in a beautiful new home and you're thriving and you've written like your third bestselling book? And you pull up in a, you know, in a, like a, you pull up in a BMW. Hey, house burned down. I'm getting some unleaded gas. Looking at the price. What's the SNAP 20 off that? When did your house burn? Five years ago.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Oh, I also won the lottery last week.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
No, but it's, it's, man, it's, it's, it's, it's been very hard to process. I, I don't know about you, but it's also just, uh, um, well, I'm going to switch to you for a minute, Gourley, because, you know, I know that you were in, there was a while there where I was pretty certain that, Oh, Pasadena. I don't think that looks good. And I know your house.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
I just thought, is this going to get you too? And I guess it didn't get to you, the fire. Is that right?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
You don't have to keep it together. There's, you know, you and I have texted a lot and talked some on the phone, but words just seem so stupid when somebody lost their home.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Conan, Sona, and Matt Discuss the LA Fires
Are you back in your house now?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This is so sick. It's not like the treat's just for you. It's everyone else, which is creating this group thing that's evil.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
On how to run a podcast company. But, oh my God, that is wrong slash kind of ingenious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
If I was in my house and that was being projected and coming in through the window, I think I'd lose my mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You have this great quote, when playing a role, I would feel more comfortable as you're given a prescribed way of behaving. Yeah. And I thought that is, I understand someone's telling you. Yeah. All the anxiety you might have, Jesse, about what am I supposed to say or do in this one particular situation? Right. But if you're in the seagull. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You know, like, no, I'm supposed to enter and then I'm supposed to leave and shoot myself. Right, exactly. This is what I'm supposed to do. Exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, and you step outside to go get the paper and these lasers are firing candy canes into your eyes. You get your paper in the nighttime? Yeah, I get it delivered at night. When I want it, when there's bad news, I want to hear it right away.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It's funny because now I'm having this other like flashback memory of I don't know if you remember this, Sona, but when we were doing the shows during COVID.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I think you were one of the first people. Yes, that's right. You may have been the first guest I talked to. COVID hit, all the shows shut down. Then we all came back, I think on the same day, and we were doing- Virtual. Virtual interviews, Zoom interviews.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I think everyone else really had their shit together and they were talking to guests who were in their home, but with state-of-the-art Zoom.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I was very excited that you were gonna be like the first guest back. Oh, great. We got Jesse Eisenberg. This is going to be great. And your family had gotten into a van and you were just driving across America. I think you're trying to escape COVID in a van in America, which doesn't work, by the way. But I remembered you having... possibly the worst Zoom signal I've ever seen.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And this was on television. You could probably look it up and see it, but it looks like I'm talking to, it looks like it's 1962 and I'm talking to a Russian cosmonaut who's in space. Exactly. Yuri Gagarin, how are you? And then it would go out and then you'd come back in again. And occasionally I could see, you know, like your family in the background trying to swat away COVID.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
What I've remembered is I remember, those are the things I remember in show business. There've been many, you know, flawless, perfectly executed Technicolor interviews that I'll never remember. Yeah. But I just remember you in a baseball cap and your family trying to outrun a virus in a van.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah. The only one who didn't get it, Sona, who ate garlic, right?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I pay him a little extra to come by at night. It makes me feel, I don't want to read news in the morning. I want to read it at night. And it's the only way to get it through the newspaper, I'm told. Hi, I don't know much about the Internet. But anyway, I don't I don't that looks like way too much to have something projected on the house. But I have a brother who's a fully adult man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Oh, and he got real cocky about it. And he said, he kept, he was always shouting, COVID can never get me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Remember? That's right. And if someone had COVID, he would grab them and open mouth kiss them. Right. He got me too a couple of times for that. That's right. And then finally, You ordered a hamburger and you said, put a little extra COVID on it. And you finally caught it. Got it. So it ultimately was your fault. In my stories, it's always the other person. Put a little extra COVID on it. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I said I wanted COVID. I want two scoops. Make it real COVID-y. You call this COVID? I got to ask you, I know you did Zombieland with him. And so I have to ask you about Woody Harrelson because he's an unsolvable mystery to me. And I ask because he, in my little podcast company, he does a podcast, a very good podcast that he does.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
With Ted Danson, they do it together in this very room. And whenever I encounter Woody, I'm convinced he's not real. I'm convinced he's not a real person in all the best ways.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It's like him and Paul Rudd are the people that everyone's agreed. We love them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And we've, I mean, mentioned it, but it was a big episode here, but it was, you may not be aware of this, that I was here with Ted and we were waiting on Woody and they said he's good. And then we got this message. Yeah, Woody's running late. He was in a motorcycle accident. And I was saying, he was in a motorcycle accident. Let's all rush to the hospital and go make sure he's okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And they're like, nope, he's just going to be 15 minutes late. Yeah. And he showed up 15 minutes late and he had gone like ass over tea kettle over the hood of a car. Right. Not wearing armor. Yeah. And Ted bandaged him. And then we did the podcast. Oh, my God. And I'm and he's like, I'll be right, man. You know what? No. Yeah. You're no. What are you doing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
He goes all out on Christmas on the inside of his house. And I think that's really sweet. I love that. I'm all for people going for it. You know, it's funny every now and then someone gives me an ornament. I put it on the tree and then kind of forget about it. And then it just shows up because it all goes into a box and then it goes back on the tree the next year.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah. I'm also furious with him because he pulled me aside and said, hey, man. you want to go 50-50 with me on a houseboat in Amsterdam? And I'm like, to co-own a houseboat in Amsterdam with Woody Harrelson, I could dine out on that for the rest of my life. And so I said, yes, yes. And he said, don't you have to talk to your wife? And I said, no, I'm just saying yes right now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
He said, do you need to see pictures? I said, no. If you know if I've never see it. Of course. I'm going to tell people, yeah, Woody Harrelson and I co-own a houseboat in Amsterdam. Three days later, we don't talk. He's taping a podcast right in here, and he's talking to Flea. And on air, he goes, hey, Flea, you want to go half and half? And I practically crashed the door down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I'm like yelling at him, you never intended.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
He is sold. It's like that con man who sold. A million halves. Yeah. You each get a half. All thousand of you. Now if I could just leave town with this suitcase full of cash. He's the music man. The monorail. He's the music man. Yeah, or the monorail. It's Lyle Landley. Yeah, exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
But one of the things I love the most about being in this business is just meeting all these characters, these authentic people. And I just and just to me, that's the price of admission.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I think it's less, yes. I know what you mean. I think there's eccentricity that's manufactured by celebrities, famous people, whatever you want to call them, people of note. There's some eccentricity. I think the thing that's manufactured the most is difficulty. I think that's what I've noticed. Purposely manufactured.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Purposely manufactured difficulty because it almost creates a sense of importance. Sometimes I think when someone's being very difficult or there's a lot of demands and they have a giant entourage and everything has to be just right, I think this person's unhappy. This person is trying to create something because they don't feel authentic enough.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And a couple of years ago, Zach Braff was here and he gave me an ornament. It's him and Donald Faison hugging each other. And I remember just coming home and like, it was in my pocket. And I'm like, what's this? And the tree was up and I went, oh, okay. And I just put it on the tree. Like three years go by. And the other day I passed my tree. I'm like, what the fuck?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I know that when I was doing the late night show, Bruce Springsteen came to perform and he showed up himself. Right. And he's wearing a flannel shirt. Right. And he's hanging out in the hallway. And afterwards, someone bought a case of beer and we all cracked it open. We were standing around drinking beer. Because he didn't need validation. He didn't need that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And then occasionally there's someone who they're not even the number one name on the call sheet or- of the show they're on, and there's a lot of demands. Of course, yeah, that's always the case. And I'd like to keep the limo afterwards, and I'd also, when I get there, this is what the temperature should be. Right, of course. And to me, that's the pathology of it a little bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Of course, that makes a lot more sense, of course. And when you meet an authentic person, there's a little piece of zinc in our brains as humanoids where we know, oh, okay, this person is authentic. This Woody Harrelson guy is not making shit up. He's real.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Cell phone tower, yes, yes. Yes. Well, I think he believes it. That's true. That is true. The truth is he believes it. That's true. What's made up is that he has a houseboat in Amsterdam. That's the bullshit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, it's not the same. Flea's just going to be doing bass scales the whole time. Really fast. And I'll be like, Jesus, Flea. Do you know another instrument? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This actually leads me to your film. Naturally. Which it does. It does. It leads me to your film because A Real Pain co-stars you and Kieran Culkin as cousins. I saw a trailer first, for I saw the film, as often happens. And the second I saw you and Kieran together, I was just, oh, this is going to be great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Thanks. Because I adore both of you. I think you're both fantastic actors, but you also both play very well different registers. The two of you play these cousins who in many ways could not be more different. For a movie that has a lot of dark and meaningful subtext. You two are so funny and real together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
There was a whole, he had to do a little time. He had to go away for a bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Why is Zach Braff and Donald Faison hugging each other on my tree?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Let's lay it out for people just because, you know, I never like to give too much away, but it is a really lovely movie and like a tone poem. But also it's a it's a it's a travel story. It's the story of two cousins that you're taking this very meaningful trip. Your grandmother. Mm hmm. She survived the war. She survived the camps in Poland.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
So you guys are coming back as part of this tour to tour Poland, see some of the sites, you visit a concentration camp, and then you go to see the home where she lived in a kind of Felix and Oscar way, you're so good at being very high strung and trying to hold it all together and very responsible. And he is so irresponsible in these very funny ways.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I was watching this movie thinking, well, there can be more movies where you two, I mean, you two characters can do anything.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
There was a, you know, it is actually a sentimental memory, but our first season, we premiered September 13th, 1993, when I was a 30-year-old kid, and the reviews were pretty much, this won't last. And There was a late night with Conan O'Brien Christmas ornament that someone made and gave to me. I remember to hang it on the tree in Christmas of 93 and kind of thinking, well, at least I got this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
There's also this feeling that we've all had. There are moments in the film where... you're meant to feel something. You're not quite feeling it in the same magnitude that you feel you should be feeling it. And I thought that is something we've all experienced where you go to a hallowed space or you're learning about something
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I mean, I'm a history buff and I've been to many places where very traumatic things happened. And then you're like, well, we're going to miss the tram if we don't get. You know, it's very weird. It's very weird. It's very weird to lay the two on each other.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And here we are, 70 years later, on a train with really cushy seats, eating this fancy meal in first class. This isn't right. And he goes storming off to go to another class. And one of the characters yells out, it's not gonna be that much worse than there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
To me, the beauty of the film is when you can kind of dance on a knife's edge between the darkness, but also the humanity that is people are imperfect. We don't always feel exactly what we're supposed to feel. There's always someone in the room who, if you say, oh my God, I just bit into this sandwich and it's got mold all over it. This is terrible. Oh yeah? Well, guess what? Yeah, exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Some people never got to have a sandwich and they're dead. And so you can't always pull it. No, I still want the good sandwich. I don't want mold on my sandwich. I'm sorry that someone else didn't get a sandwich 800 years ago, but God damn it, I want the good one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Not that that's a good feeling to have. Well, I had a similar experience. You know, your movie is about, because this is based on something you've done. You and your wife, your family have taken trips. Poland is very important to you. Yeah, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, seriously. And then all these years later, I look at it and I'm like…
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Man, you're chalking up the points left and right. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
But it'd be so cool to have it. Yeah, I can. I have some envy here because I my. I'm 100% Irish. Right. But the rule is your, I think your grandfather had to have been from Ireland.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It's this nice little feeling. I want to break that ornament. I know you do. I need to smash it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And it's my great-grandfather, so I do not qualify. But I've always thought, wouldn't it be amazing to have an Irish passport? Yeah. Because I could flee if there was an issue. Sure. Yeah, and I could escape from my crimes, my heinous crimes. Okay. Don't go anywhere.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
But I had the experience of going back to Ireland to shoot a show, this travel show we did for Max. And I'm shooting a lot of comedy and a lot of very silly stuff. And then there was one part where this woman took me to the actual plot of land that my great-grandfather lived on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I get there and I'm looking at this beautiful view, gorgeous view of the Galbally Mountains and like the ice in my heart started to melt a bit. Really? Yeah, I did. I felt very, and I said to her, I said, God, look at this view. And this is where he lives. She said, yeah, they lived in a, the shack is gone now, but this is where they lived.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I've looked at the records and it would have been basically a one, one or two rooms and they lived here and I'm looking at it and feeling very emotional and I said, well, this is so beautiful here because it was absolutely gorgeous. It was like an Irish spring ad, you know, it was just a gorgeous, you know, leprechaun Ireland in mountains in the distance.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, throw the Zach Braff Donald Faison ornament at it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And foolishly, I said to the woman, why did they... Why did he leave? Yeah. You know, and she said, because you can't eat the view. Oh, my God. And it was. There's the tagline for Ireland. I know. But, I mean, it was very powerful. Yeah. They had, there was not enough food. They didn't, you know, and she's just like, yeah, there are good, that's beautiful mountains.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You can't eat the feckin' mountains. They had to go.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
That's amazing. Ha! Why you can't see South African mountains, can you? And then there was a burst of smoke and she turned into a bat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
smashing it uh but yeah so i mean i get sentimental i'm i pretend i work really hard at not being sentimental but i'm very sentimental you like to play the scrooge and i like to try to but then i'm a i'm a total mush about christmas time here's a big divisive thing where do you guys fall on tinsel on a christmas tree tinsel can go fuck itself you know what you've chosen a side yeah i'm i'm
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
view yes I was thinking that man would have looked at this he had to go I also knew very sad things about him he he back then there was no going back there was no writing to people there was no I mean a lot of people left they went to America my people went to central Massachusetts to farm country and starting in but this relative of mine who left struggled with alcoholism and it was a real problem for him and
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And just when people have said to me, oh, are you in touch with the people back home in Ireland? Well, no, there was no keeping in touch with anybody. They just went, you know, it was very dark. It was a very, and so anyway, your story, your movie had some resonance for me as it would for, I mean, I think so many people, so many of us are, Immigrants.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
We're all immigrants and it's much discussed in the news now, but all of us have moved on and all of us have come here and we're all curious about where we came from and it does sneak up on you. It gets emotional in a strange way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And it's the house that I've seen in the movie.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Mountains made of meatballs. Yeah. A pastrami volcano. Come to Poland. A view you can eat.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I'm not a tinsel person. Growing up, there'd be some tinsel on our family tree, but I've never wanted it on our tree. It just looks like shredded aluminum to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Um, well, it's always difficult to feel the pressure to have an emotion because that's not how it's supposed to work. That's true. And, um, this is reminding me, uh, I've shot a bunch of shows around the world because I'm just very fascinated. I, you know, have a real wanderlust and I... I loved my talk show days, but I was always very jealous when someone like you would sit down next to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And next, you know, Jesse Eisenberg. Jesse, how are you? Well, I'm good. I just got back from Budapest where I was with it. And I would think, I've never been there. And I have to be in this seat I get to. I loved it. So the minute I started to invent this way to go to these different countries, and one of the countries that we went to was Armenia, and Sona came with me. And we were...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
shooting all this very fun stuff in Armenia and silly things. And you and I are dressing up as shepherds and we're in fields and we're wearing, you know, so we were shooting all this stuff. And then we went to...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
The genocide memorial. And suddenly, I mean, we're not idiots. I didn't go thinking, oh, this will be fun, you know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Hey, why am I feeling these feelings? What is this water coming out of my face? But we went there and it was, well, you take over.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Also, I always have... I don't know if you felt this or you felt that, but I'm so lucky to be here. Of course. That's the feeling I have. Of course.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, but it looks like someone left you a beautiful present of shit. I try to get my dog to eat a bow, a red bow, so that later I can put it under the tree. I say, look what I got you, honey. It's a shit bow.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yes. I'm enraged by people. We live in this world where we're in this business. We're extremely fortunate. And the thing that really angers me is when people act entitled. It makes me insane, except when I do it. Yeah, of course. But no, I get very angry at entitlement.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I profoundly understand that I'm here because a lot of people, this relative of mine, and it's not that long ago, late 19th century, said, I gotta go. and walked out of that town, made it to central Massachusetts. And there's all these other people that come after that, that don't get one, one billionth of my opportunities. Exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And then I'm here and standing on millions of shoulders, you know? And so that's the feeling I have. And I do think without getting overtly political, people forget that. People think I'm here because I made this happen. Of course. No, I didn't. I've made some things happen in my life. Right, but in the context of opportunity.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
In the context of amazing opportunities that everyone else provided for me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Okay, all right. Eisenberg! Okay, I don't know what it's like to be blessed with talent, but I did what I had to do. But no, it's like, it's such a, you know, going back to this film you made is about a lot. It's interesting. It's a very lovely film that's a very, and it sounds crazy, it's very enjoyable
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
to watch, it's a really good movie and it's beautifully scored and it's beautifully directed and you guys are terrific actors and it's got so much lightness in it and it's got, obviously it has some heaviness in it as well, but it's about so much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And it's not overt in that way, but it's just, it's one of those films where I watched it and I just thought, okay, I have, this is making me feel all kinds of stuff in a very good way. Oh, that's so nice. And I'm an unfeeling man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Why do I invite you back? I don't understand. I think I like the punishment, don't you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I saw on our Amex bill a $200,000 charge for, it said, Eisenberg therapy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, listen, I... Congratulations on A Real Pain. And this is not just me. Everybody is talking about this film, and I know it's awards season, but people are abuzz about this film, and rightly so. And congratulations. And also just, you know, I'm very proud to know you. I'm so sorry. No, I really do. I'm proud to know you. You have a lot of character, and I know you're tough on yourself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah. The really hard part is getting the dog to swallow a card that says, ha ha, this is shit. But if you can get it to swallow a bow and a card... And the dog and it all stays kind of together. It's fantastic. It's such a good prank. Yeah. Anyway. Happy holidays. Aren't you glad you listened? Hey, Merry Christmas, you two. Merry Christmas. Hey, you too. And happy holidays.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And you're a real human being, which doesn't always happen in this town. And so just a joy to have you here. Thank you so much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, we're going to edit all this out. Okay. We're going to add it. Once you leave, I stay for an hour, and it's just Eisenberg zingers. Got it, got it, got it. And then we tape in you going, aww. Well, I can't keep up. I can't keep up with Conan. And I'm like, yeah, another thing, Eisenberg. Zing, zing, zing, zing, zing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
How did he know? He's probably the funniest guy I've ever met. Hey, why does he sound like Jimmy Stewart?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, I made this movie. It's called Real Pain. I go back to, I go to Poland, you see.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Man, Conan, you're the funniest, funniest character I've ever met. And I swear to God, I've met them all.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
My people, we had to, you know, had to leave. We're in a shtetl. You got any borscht on you? I like a borscht. Mr. Smith goes to cross the stove. God bless you. You too. Jesse Eisenberg, man. Thanks a lot.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, no. No, I was just curious. I was just curious who they got after I turned them down. And then I turned them down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, they called me and I was like, well, I can't do it. And then Gorley was like, no, thanks. Which was really rude. No, thanks. I had a legitimate excuse. So this is exciting. What happened?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
So these are non-Armenians coming to an Armenian festival. Yes. Yes. And see, what did I tell you long ago? I have no idea. We unify people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, then what the fuck did you bring her up for? What's wrong with her? If he's listening, what is she doing? Just plugging her ears?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, no, they didn't drive from the Midwest to go to an Armenian festival. No, they didn't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Wow. I have to say, I am not familiar with the genre of fan fiction. I've heard about it, but I'm not familiar with what it actually entails. So he's writing fictitious things that happened to me. You're leaving out a major descriptor. Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I am an erotic character. Neurotic. You're thinking neurotic. Oh, aren't they the same? Yeah. I think I exude a sexuality.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Well, that's taking it too far. All inclusive. Oh. Well, just everyone. I just want everyone to have a good holiday. Be they Christian, be they not. Did you want to give us like Christmas bonuses and cash right now or anything? Oh, I could Venmo you. Okay. And Sona will probably tell you I know exactly how to Venmo people. That's the hardest I've seen Sona laugh in a while.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
See, this guy gets me. His name is Dean. Yes. Okay. Let me tell you something. When someone's repressed, if anything, it means there's more sexual energy because it's trapped. It is. I guess. You're right. You're right. So when you say like, I never think of you as you're so repressed. Yes. Yes. A volcano just before it blows. Yes. shooting its hot lava. Oh, gross. Oh, God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Uh-oh, now I'm thinking I know what Gorley's up to because he's looking at his phone. Yeah. And he's either, either there's a 1940s hat sale in the area. My erotic fixation. Oh, wow. Hamburg, yeah. Um,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You said... You thought he jizzed on... No, no, you're going down an awful road.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
First of all, this is not fiction. I remember Lily. LAUGHTER
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Wait, wait, wait. Don't read the text. So you can click on any of these and it will lead to something about me in that scenario or no?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
A bunch of things here. I am married. Her name's not Natasha. And I've never been invited to a Red Sox VIP suite. Nor what I... The Afflecks are always in there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Says the guy who calls his wife when she's in New York and I'm in L.A. and goes, can you Uber Eats me some of the chicken salad? Are you serious? I got better, but there was a while there where I was petrified. I'm sorry. It was new technology for a very old man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This might be one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Oh. Maybe went too far.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I shot a dominatrix segment in Berlin and I'm still in pain from it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, these are just the beginning. You're leading just the... These are just the...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It is too late. It's way too late. It should be called Way Too Late. Their hips clicked as they entwined. My skin hurts, said Conan. What was that? Said his sexual partner. I can't hear you because of my oldness. Ow, it hurts. Conan yelled, peeing pure blood into the toilet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Sona is giggling away uncontrollably. I don't know what's happening. Sona Massessi, and I see, of course, Matt Gorley. Hi. The whole gang's here, and feeling the holiday vibe. Are you feeling it? Oh, I love Christmas. You do? I truly do. You're a Christmas guy? I am, yeah. What do you, I'm guessing, do you go all out with the traditional stuff?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Hold on. This is getting good. But I'm glad someone is finally seeing me as a sexual being. Because I've been ignored too long in that category. And that's just what a sexual person would say. For far too long, my sexuality has not been seen, said the dynamo, the lothario.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Can I just say one thing? You have to stop now. Can I say one thing? I always pause at the clavicle. Do you? That's your move? That's your signature move? My signature move is the clavicle pause.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I'm not going to read. I know. You have to stop.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
It's good for if you want yogurt after salad. We'll take a break. We'll be right back. I'm stopping you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This stuff is... Well, then stop. You keep doom scrolling through it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Or she'd be in Seattle visiting her parents and I'd be like, um, I really like that turkey burger. And she'd be like, yeah, yeah, you just get it. It's, you know, you know, it's on, what is it called? Chomp, chomp, chomp.net? That's it. Chomp.net. Chomp.net? Throw a couple my way and I'll tell you which one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You know what? It's nice to be appreciated. Let's put it that way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Can you guys just be quiet? I'm trying to read. Okay. I'm going to end the segment. Yes. But I'm glad that you hosted the Armenian Ma Ma Ma event.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Yeah, it sounds like these people really care about your culture. Sona's there. We can read her our smut. Well, anyway, thanks for caring and for sharing to our fans. Put that down. Put the phone down. I want to hear the phone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Grubhub. DoorDash. DoorDash. Postmates. Postmates. Okay. Postmates. There it is. I'd say, hey, honey, I like that turkey burger. And she'd be like, well, I'm in Thailand right now at a meeting. And I'd be like, yeah, yeah. And I'm asleep. Yeah, yeah. I like that turkey burger. Can you get it on chompchomp.gov? And she'd say, do you mean Postmates? And I'd go, yeah. Just send it over to the house.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You were young, a young fellow. That's right. This is back when I had a steam powered computer. We had to wait for it to heat up to work. That's right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You have a piece of paper. You go like, I got the research notes. And I say, what? And you'd say permission to come aboard. And I go, permission denied. Now, I think that's quality leadership. Yeah. Anyway, shit bow. That's the way to go this Christmas. Get your dog to eat a bow. And then give that to someone as a present. Shit bow. Coming soon to a theater near you. Theater? No, it's not a movie.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
You just slid the wrap at me. It's a wrap sign that you slid to me a second time and I just keep ignoring it. That's what I'd do if I was a teller and someone slid a piece of paper that said this is a robbery. I'd say, yeah, and another thing. Shit bow. And then they'd slide it again. This is a robbery.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Triple wrap that shit. Get your dog to eat some tinsel and you've got some shiny shit. Look, we've got families we've got to get home to for Christmas. And I'm trying to rob a bank. Happy holidays, everyone. Christmas. Or whatever. Yeah. All right, you guys, let's get serious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Hey, guys, quit screwing around. And so enough with the poo-poo jokes. My guest today is an actor, director, author, and playwright who's probably left after that intro, who has starred in such movies as The Social Network and Zombieland. Now you can see him in his new movie, A Real Pain, which he also wrote and directed, and it's fantastic. I watched it, and I love it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I'm very excited he's here today. I'm a big fan of this gentleman. Jesse Eisenberg, welcome. I'm going to quickly recap that I met you many, many, many years ago. You did The Squid and the Whale. I think it was the first time I met you. Yeah. You must have been... How old were you then? I was 21. 21 years old. I just adored you immediately, I think.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
Do you have lots of stuff you put out, little holiday trinkets? I think so, yeah. What do you mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And then I've mentioned this before, but several days later, one of the loveliest handwritten notes I've ever received showed up. I've mentioned this last time. But... And I thought there's something different about this person. He's oozing with like character and gentility in this kind of old world way. And then you've gone on and you've had this extraordinary career. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I'm just so happy for you. Thank you so much. And I feel like, To pat myself on the back, I feel like I called it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
This isn't about, this is what I'm really good at, pretending it's about, you know, Jesse. Right. But then it's about me. Okay. I called it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I am. I'm a sentimental old sap about Christmas. I really am. Yeah. Are you, Sona?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, but like, you know, it's even sicker. My immediate thought is he saw the real me. Yeah, that's how I feel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I mean, it means a lot to me. And and you've gone on and I'll I'll mention this up front and we'll we'll talk. There's so much I want to talk about. And we're going to get to this film you made you. I mean, let's let's take it off you. wrote, directed, you co-star in it with Kieran Culkin and this extraordinary cast. You made this film and it's absolutely beautiful.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And it's got people ranting and raving in a good way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had people ranting and raving in not a good way. It's called A Real Pain and we'll talk about that. But what was special for me was to watch this movie and see that, oh, you are a consummate artist. You've made this beautiful thing with such aplomb and it will endure.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
First of all, I know you celebrate it a little later on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I always have this connection with you from that time that you sent me that note and I had that nice first meeting with you. And then here you are all these years later and you're doing extraordinary work and I'm just so happy for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No. It's funny. Occasionally. Yeah. I, you know, Stalin did a lot of bad stuff. Right. No, no, no. No. No, but sometimes I'd be like, come on, you can do it, Stalin. You can turn this around. And you were really young at the time. I was very, I'm older than people think. Sure. I was born in 1911. Do the math. No, I can separate. There are people who do excellent work and are not good people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I do believe in separating the two. You are a man who's, I think, has real character and you do exceptional work. I like it when the two come together, but they don't have to. Got it. Do you know what I mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And there are how many artists can you see, you know, whose work is hanging on the wall and you later learn, or amazing athletes who were absolutely deplorable human beings. But I still applaud their athleticism.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I mean, Stalin's been dead a long time and I still talk him up. I think he could still get me. He could still get me. It's funny. We probably have a few things in common. I grew up with my share of anxiety. and hated going to school.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I didn't want to leave my house, but I still to this day can remember the carpool ride from my house on Kennard Road to the Michael Driscoll School, every second thinking, okay, we're not there yet. Like just filled with that kind of, like your mouth tastes like aluminum. You have so much anxiety. And I've later thought, well, I hate to say it, but it probably... contributed some things to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
And I know that you have this struggle too. Yeah. I've had many therapists and many people tell me, well, you didn't need that. You'd have been, and I don't trust them. It's like Dumbo's feather. I think I needed that. I don't know where you come down on all this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I don't want to be that house. You don't know the house that has. They have a thing now. I saw an ad where they project. You can put little projectors that project like candy canes, snowflakes and snowflakes and little Santas and reindeer. And they crisscross your entire house. And I think I would go insane. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
No, but... More and more, I think I'm here out of a weird compulsion that I don't have a control over. And I think about you and your anxiety and you are not the typical, hey, put that light on me. Right, exactly. Because I'm ready to shine.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
But something pushed this young, anxious kid. I mean, I know that you were so anxious as a child getting on the bus to go to school. Yeah, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jesse Eisenberg Returns
I'm trying to do the math and I don't see how it affects the operation of the vehicle. Oh no, it could, yeah, I could see leap down into the transmission.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
None would come to the mind of a Jeff Goldblum. None like this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So you had a dream the night before coming here about doing a long podcast with a red-haired celebrity, Ron Howard, and Diane Keaton, a.k.a. Sona Movsesian. Oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Now listen. Wow. Don't lose that sheet of paper. Okay. Okay? We can't have that lost to time. Okay. We need to frame that. Yeah, that is, you know, here's what I'll say about you, Jeff. I never know what you're going to say. I never know what you're going to do. You are feral. You are a man that runs on instinct. You don't, and you're very much, I think, attuned.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You should see the faces he's making right now. You're very much attuned to the universe. And I feel like you are constantly in the now. Is this correct?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, I don't think I have at all. I don't know what you're talking about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
What do you think of that? My mother-in-law, a lovely woman and very smart woman, is a therapist. Liza's mom. Yeah, Liza's mom, and she believes that all dreams have meaning. If you have a dream and you tell her, you know, she starts to pick it apart. I'm often having dreams that I defy anyone to make sense of because it just seems like random mush. It really does.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And then I realized that most of my life I'm speaking in random mush. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, no, there are nocturnal discharges. That's a separate category. Yes, yes. Yeah. Well, there are. There just frankly are. I know there are. What's that? I just don't know when to bring them up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
No, no. I wasn't going to bring them up. I was just going to say it's a common term, nocturnal discharge. And I wanted to make sure that people didn't misunderstand what Jeff was saying, that you are separating the two.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I'm allowed to, I, as the host of the show, I'm allowed to make up the final laws on all pronunciations. Really? But please, continue-ay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Don't be afraid of being reballed. We are all adults here. And I will say this is a safe space. Yeah. All right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, that seems young is all I'm gonna say. Really? Yes. What? I was 37 for me for the first time. Oh, God. Yes. Congratulations. So awkward. No, no, I was really watching them wrap up Seinfeld and I just, it happened. I'm sorry. Late bloomer I am. You know, you have... Speak like Yoda. Yeah, I know. Late bloomer I am.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
When I was a kid in camp, we used to, they taught us these old songs from the 50s as we trudged up the Appalachian Mountains. And we had to sing, Comet, it makes your teeth turn green. Comet. It tastes like Vaseline Comet. Make you vomit, so drink your Comet and vomit today. And then it'd be like, again!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know what I think is something that makes me very happy is that none of our comedy was ever really about anything. No, that's for sure. So you can see something from 25 years ago and it doesn't relate to any specific topical thing in the news. And other than the fact that my head hasn't rotted yet in those clips. Yeah. People can laugh at them all over again, which makes me happy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Uh-oh, you put on your specs. He's examining your rotting head. Are you examining my rotting head?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, please, you can tell that this, I have one of those Irish heads that bloats as it gets older. You've said, I know. No, this is true. You know, you leave a gourd in the sun long enough, and then winter comes, and you have yourself a Conan. That's what happens over time. But you, I will say this, I love talking to you because you're staring at me and you're examining every- I like your glasses.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Now, I will admit freely that my style guru and my lifestyle guru- is Mr. Jeff Goldblum. How can it not be? And I'll tell you why. He is a tall, good looking drink of water. And whenever he's wearing something, I think, well, wait a minute, we have somewhat similar. Well, hold on. Okay. Sona's about to really correct me. Let's say Jeff had been in an accident at some point.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Then Jeff and I would be very similar. That's all I'm saying.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I'm not talking about the vibes. I'm talking just about when he is a tall man and he knows how to dress. Right. And I love, so during commercial breaks, Often, often when he was on the show, people always wonder, what do you talk about with people? I can always tell you what I'm talking about with Jeff. Yeah. In a commercial break.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I go right to, oh my God, that those shoes and you know, I have large feet and you have large feet. And he'll say, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my, oh my boy. Oh, oh yes. And then, so I remembered once you came out and you were wearing these wonderful glasses that you really carried off well. And I said, I must wear those glasses.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And I asked you and you acted as if you were telling me where the secret ring was that would unlock the universe. Oh, oh, oh, oh, my boy. Oh, yes, yes. Jacques, Jacques-Marie, what is it? Limoges? Limoges. Jacques-Marie Limoges, yeah. Jacques-Marie Limoges. Oh, and he said, oh, my boy, I'll call ahead. I'll call ahead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And then you described going downtown and there's a secret knock and a corridor and a passageway. And sure enough- They're the greatest glasses.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I mean, I have done this several times. You once, we were doing something together that was not my project and not your project. We were recording something together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I do. And you walked in and I always couldn't, I could never find jeans. I have a very unusual build, I'll say. And... Oh, come on. Anyway. What the sound? Sorry. What's your inseam?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And we would do it again, and I'd climb the presidential mountain range just singing that song, not knowing what it was, how it, why?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, I was afraid, I was afraid to go, I have a very, I have a long inseam, and so I- That's long. So anyway, I see this gentleman come in, and he's wearing these amazing jeans, and I said, oh my God, Jeff, where'd you get those jeans? He went, oh, well, oh my boy. Oh my boy. He said, oh my boy. Oh good, oh, and he went, oh, oh my boy, you simply must, oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And then you said, and then you said, and then you said, I'll never forget, you said, The Schaefer Garment Hotel. That's right. What? And it's this place. Yeah, Robert Schaefer. Yeah, he's like, oh, the Schaefer Garment Hotel. And I go there, and you said, just go, just go. So I go, and of course, it's the coolest people in the world, and they have like an old denim machine. What?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yes, yes, it is. It's the John Wick Hotel, except just for jeans. Oh my.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, there's a guy there wearing like Slash's hat, and he's like, I'll make you one of these. And I went, well, I don't know if I can carry that off. There's a dog that's in the store.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I think I, I mean, I've told this before, but I met him once. Oh. I got pushed to the front of the, I was, I went to see some concert of his and I was backstage and someone pushed me to the front of a line and there he was, the great Bob Dylan. And it's my one chance to meet him. And he, all this conversation stopped and Bob Dylan looked at me and he went, I know you from the TV. It's true.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It's true. The TV. He said, I know you from the TV. And just then, the other person backstage was Vice President Al Gore. And so all I hear is, I know you from the TV. And then I heard, Conan. Conan, it's me, Hal Gore. And I'm like, what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And I go, what? We're all there for a concert to see Bob Dylan perform. And he goes like, I love rock and roll.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I was cock blocked. with Bob Dylan by Vice President Al Gore. That's a true story.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah, and then, trust me, I wanted to detach Gore's tongue from his body to get him to stop yapping at me. No, I'm sorry. All due respect to the former Vice President and, of course, a leading figure in climate prevention change.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah. He does this to me. Jeff Goldblum does this to me. You're not wrong.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
When I'm around you, oh, look at him take a sip. Everything he does is perfection. You just want to take a sip and it's like there's a golden liquid in there, but I know it's just something. Okay, looks like ginger ale or rum, I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I know, you know our deepest, darkest foibles. I know everything, everything. I have to say, Jeff, you know, we really are an awful lot. You can do better than us, Jeff. You know what, you can sip any day because everything you, listen, listen, listen, listen. Oh my God, that is Jeff Goldblum sipping. Oh my God, you're the best. You know what's interesting to me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yes, I suppose. Now, where does that song come from? Because you've confused us once again.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
There's a sensuality that you exude about, see even with the smallest gestures, a sensuality. And then I find that I'm quite comfortable in my sexuality, but I find that when I'm around you, I'm open for anything. I really am. I am, I'm just saying that. I feel the same. And Matt is as well, we're just up for it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know how uptight I am, right? Yes, that's why I'm surprised. But if Jeff Goldblum said, oh, come with me into this special sanctum and I want you to introduce me to, introduce you to my secret friends and it's gonna be, but first you must apply this wax and oil I would do it. I would do it because he's that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And Bob Dylan and Al Gore. And Bob Dylan's going to see me and go, I know you from the TV.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And then I'm just about to get it on with Bob Dylan when I get to hear, Conan, Conan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
What? I don't know. With microphones.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah, I have been in a sex panic myself. See, that's the problem. That's why I envy you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I don't think Jeff would ever be in a sex panic. Jeff Goldblum would never be in a sex panic. I am in a constant, even when there's nothing sexual happening, I'm in a sex panic. I'm constantly in my own head.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know, can I say something? And this is to be, because I know a lot about Johnny Cash. I revere him. He sent in a lot of unsolicited songs. He was constantly sending in like Prel Shampoo, Alpo Dog Food. What? Yeah, he was constantly sending in I've Got a Different Way You Could Go with that song, Purina Cat Chow, Chow Chow Chow. I can't even. Not true.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know the best part? of waking up. No, stop it. He slipped it in your cup. No. Johnny Cash first sent it in.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
He did the Oscar Mayer song. That was really good. Duh. My baloney has a first name. It's O-S-C-A-R. My baloney has a second name. Oh, and you know what? I mean. No, no, no. Wasn't the, wasn't the astronaut. You know what the sad? No, no, no. Last thing he did before he passed away was the car for kids jingle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Just so you know, to be fair, that most jingles that you love were written by Johnny Cash. That's true. Unsolicited. He would just send them in.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Is he your favorite Bond of all time? I'm going to say, for me, it's Sean Connery, but Daniel Craig is right there with him, and I thought no one could do that. I thought no one could. Sean Connery was so incredible.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I know, this is right up your alley. This is, I'll tell you, Matt Gourley is a Bond fanatic and a huge Jeff Goldblum fan. Now he's in a room, they've both come together, and he's having a nocturnal emissions.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Why don't you turn my podcast into a kooky trivia show? I love it. That's what you've done. I love it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It's becoming more Elvis than Johnny Cash.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know, you are a terrific jazz musician, and I'm bringing this up for a reason. I think... To understand Jeff Goldblum, which is impossible, but to really understand what makes this man tick, I think is your love of jazz. You are constantly improvising in the moment and tuned into that crazy galaxy that real jazz musicians are tuned into.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And a good friend of mine just went and saw you perform the other night and said that you were fantastic. Really?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
But what I'm saying is, am I correct that there's something about music, I just feel like you're in tune with some jazz musical score all the time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, Jeff, they don't often take. That's the problem. I am... I don't wear well over time. That's one of the problems.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Can I say something? You must. I'm always so self-conscious that I put trills and foolishness in there, and I never just sing. You just sang, and I loved it. Yes. Oh. Silent night. No, he's going to do a thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Holy night. All is calm. No, it's doing it again, right? All is bright.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's that? Oh, yeah. How's that go? It goes, never could be happy in the city at night. That's beautiful. Yeah. Can't see the stars for the neon lights. Beautiful. Sidewalk's dirty and the river's worse. Underground trains all run in reverse. Nobody here can dance like me. Everybody claps on the one and the three. Am I the last of my kind? Am I the last of my kind?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I know. But can I tell you something? Can I tell you something, Jeff? I couldn't. And I'm supposed to. And I want to write a song with Amy Mann.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I adore Amy Mann. And I'm intimidated by Amy Mann's talent. But we promised to write a song together. And then the last thing she said to me, I said, yeah, I'll do it. And she said, you know, it's just got to be something like sincere and something that you really want to say. And I was like, oh. Yeah. Oh, that's not going to happen. You could do it. No, I can't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
All right, testing, testing, one, two, three, testing, testing, bumblebee, testing, testing, all day long we sing the testing, testing song. Three, two, one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Sona, will you tell them please take over?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
That's, well, that's very nice. I'm curious about something because we have so much in common, not just our incredible height and physiques, and not just our successful, incredibly successful careers, both of us, as actors, My point is that we both, and you mentioned this earlier, both of us, both of our fathers, doctors. Yes, right. And I don't know, there's this couple of similarities there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I'm fascinated by this idea that sometimes a salmon just knows it has to swim upstream. I don't know why, but somehow you knew when you were a kid that you needed to be an actor. You needed to be a performer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I don't know, ask Michelangelo. Here we go. Three, two, three. There it is. The Ninja Turtle. Yeah, that's who I meant. Okay. The best of the Ninja Turtles. Three, two, one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah. And he got to see you become Jeff Goldblum, the big deal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast that gives and gives until it can't give no more.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Okay, and I was going to bring this up, that the first time we met- I was, TV was our life preserver when we were kids. And my brothers, Neil and Luke and I were really into what's the new show? What's the new show? And we're constantly looking for what's the new show gonna be? It was a big deal back then. Now people are bombarded with TV and streaming all the time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Back in the late 70s, early 80s, there was a big deal like ABC is coming out with its lineup in the fall and all summer you'd be excited. You'd hear rumors about what it was gonna be and CBS is coming out with this and NBC is coming out with that. And there was this show that we heard about called 10 Speed and Brown Shoe.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And my brothers and I watched it and it starred Ben Vereen and this guy I'd never heard of before named Jeff Goldblum. And it was fucking fantastic. It was so good. And I was like, who is that guy? Who's that guy? That guy's fantastic. And then the show didn't last.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Please don't ask me to sing that one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Walking on air. So I, you know, but it's funny that we all have, it's so funny that you bring that up, Matt, because that is the first time that I met Jeff Goldblum. I'm using your full name just out of reverence. You know, it would have been a couple of years into the late night show that I met you and you've, you know, you've done, I mean, everything. You'd have been in so many great movies.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I think it's spreading disease. We should stop. It's spreading disease. This is a fantastic episode. I never say that up front, but we know for a fact because we bring to you today the amazing Jeff Goldblum, a force of nature. A star, and I don't mean a star in the sense of a Hollywood star, he certainly is that, but he is a celestial event in my opinion. He really is, yeah. He really is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I remember, you know, it's so funny when you think about these brushes with show business. As we said earlier, I was so far removed from, you know, show business in my childhood. And then I'll never forget, my father came home one day and he said, they're shooting a movie at my hospital, the Peter Brent Brigham Hospital, which is now Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston. It's a big hospital.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And he said, they're shooting a scene right outside my office. And we were like, they're shooting a movie in Boston? Near my dad's, like right outside my dad's office? That's impossible. That can't be. And so we rushed over there and it was a scene where actor James Coburn just has to walk out and open a car door and get in it and shut the door. And he walked out, they go, and action.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And so James Coburn walks up and he walks up to the car and it won't open and it won't open and they go, cut. The car has been, someone had locked it with the keys inside. So then we watched James Coburn just stand there while three, like seven guys crowd around and start with a coat hanger trying to open the door. And I got to find out the name of this movie, because I guess you can watch it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
This would have been like 1971 or 72. We could look that up. We could find out. And trying to lift up the door and they couldn't get it. And I thought, this is movie making?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
This was kind of almost a takeoff on James Bond, but not really. I mean, it was very silly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
What is the James Coburn movie? I've got to find out. I'll bet. Let me guess.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
We had, you know what I love, in the tradition of, just to let people know that we did our best during my late night run to keep the madness going. You talked about how people would just do strange things. One of the stranger things we did once was we just put out a salt lick on my show to see if we could attract a celebrity. And then you did it so nicely.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So this interview that we have, I'm told, Matt, that you barely touched this one. Sometimes you do little edits and tweaks. I do. They're occasionally a guest will be on and they start to go into, you know, very inappropriate rant and we have to take it out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
out of nowhere, just Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, just in the corner, but he does it sort of like a, like a nervous deer. And he slowly approaches and I'm like, oh, it looks like, looks like Jeff Goldblum. Shh, everyone be quiet. And he came out and then he like sniffed, sniffed the salt lick and then he took a little lick. I remember that being one of my favorite. Such a stupid, I don't care.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So James Coburn played the gong with Carson. Yeah, let's see, let's see you have Jeff Goldblum. What do we got for Coburn?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So this is another fun story. My dad's there. This didn't happen when I was there. They kept shooting this right outside my dad's window, and he kept thinking, well, I could keep looking under this microscope. for a cure to a terrible disease where I could go outside and hang out with these movie folk.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So he went outside and he's chatting and he can't believe it, but Blake Edwards is there with his wife, Julie Andrews. And a friend of my dad's who doesn't know much, because he's always looking in a microscope, is talking to Blake Edwards. And then he turned to Julie Andrews and said- The friend of your dad's? The friend of my dad's and said, now tell me, Miss, what do you do? Oh, no. Oh, no.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And she said, well, I'm, you know, an actress as well. And he went, well. And then later on, people told him what he did. And the guy, I think, put his head in a cyclotron.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And you know what? Oh my God. Sound of music, sound of music. I'm kidding.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know, when the Thanksgiving Day Parade, when I lived in New York, we lived on the Upper West Side and my kids were crazy about seeing the parade go by. And so I'd always take them. They were little kids to see the parade. And once I'm watching on the television and we haven't gone down yet and the parade is going by. And then they said, and here comes Julie Andrews. I lost my fucking mind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
At the time, I'm whatever, I'm a 46 year old man. I ran without my kids. And I ran all the way down. They were like, where are you going? And I ran because I wanted to get down there fast. And I saw her go by and I was like, it's Julie Andrews. And I've been on TV at this point, you know, whatever, 12 years. And I'm like, ah, Julie Andrews. I mean, she didn't see me, but...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh my God. Okay, so they're at such a great age. And because of COVID, they've missed out on some of these great experiences. Like going to a movie theater is so, that was the biggest thing in the world that could happen to me, was to get to go to a movie theater and see a movie. Really? Yeah. And so when I say to, you know, anyone in my family now, hey, do you want to go see a movie?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And they're like, eh. I don't know. I'm like, I don't know. What are you talking about? It's because they can see anything they want at any time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Terrible name for a movie. Yeah. It is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Come one, come all, bring the family.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know what's so great about, there were all these great, they don't do it anymore, but there were these great promotional tricks that they did back in the day to get people to come see movies. And Alfred Hitchcock was a genius at this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah. Well, again, so not Michelangelo, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So when Psycho came out, he had like ambulances outside the theaters and he very much publicized, we're gonna have medical personnel available for people who faint or have seizures during this terrifying movie. And people went mad for it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah, do not be late. Won't let you in after the first one. Yeah, yeah, we won't let you in. Do not tell your friends what happens. Yes, exactly. And he did all that stuff. He did it with the Byrds. He did, he had all these great, I mean, what a great showman he was in addition to being, you know, this incredible author.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, I thought you said, oh, okay. I thought you meant you had a crush on a girl in the movie. No, not in the movie. Those were fellas. They just had long hair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Because he also worked on the Sistine Chapel. Yeah. So it must be tough technically to edit a man who's constantly making low purring sounds. You can't do it. Because how do you, you can't do an edit. I speak and then I stop and there's nothing. But Jeff Goldblum, even when he's not speaking,
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Have you ever kept up with Stephanie Ignatz?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Here she is. A little bit. Oh, my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Okay, okay, you saw her, but she didn't see you. You followed her from a distance. Oh, no, no, not like that. They saw each other. Oh, okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, I'm making it clear. What I do is I look them up, and then I just peer at them through shrubbery from 50 yards away. Oh, my God. When I say, oh, I saw her, that's what I mean.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yes. You, I mean, God, you nailed that character so much. And now you're coming back and you're assembling with the same people to bring these people back to life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So it's great. Give me a think about, I mean, this is something that I think would be worthwhile for you to settle with for a second, is that movies were such a big deal for you growing up. Mm-hmm. You've now been in a bunch of movies. And you think about Jurassic Park. So many young people, that was an eye-opening experience for them. And you were a big part of it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It's interesting how the loop closes in a strange way, isn't it? It's fascinating.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I have to say that that is something – and I brought this up before. But also I've had a dreamy life and getting the chance to just – to me, getting to interact with someone I saw on a movie screen or a television set when I was a child, nothing tops that. And there are all these – massive stars that come along later on in life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And it doesn't have the same effect as meeting someone like a Dick Van Dyke or meeting someone who was in a movie and a huge deal when you were a kid, like a Jerry Lewis, or seeing a Julie Andrews on a parade float go by. And even though she's 50 yards away, I can't believe that That, oh, wait, I saw you there as a child, and now you're still here. Life is magic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh my God. It's too bad Bill Hader isn't here because he does, Bill Hader does the best Vincent Price of all. And he'd be going, you know, I don't do it, but he'd be here doing Vincent Price at a Ralph's. We should remind him of that. Yeah. No, we should do, we will be seeing him soon. We should remind him of that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Cause Vincent Price at a Ralph's and I used to, you know, when I first moved out here to LA a long time ago in 1988, my brother Neil came out and visited me and there was a Ralph's across the street and he kept seeing all these huge stars. He saw Cesar Romero, the Joker. And he'd come back and he'd go, I saw him. And I'm like, what is he? He was buying dog food at Ralph's.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
He was always going to Ralph's and he would hang out there and he would go right up to them and go, I loved you as the Joker. Or I saw Harry Morgan from MASH. Harry Morgan. And then he would always tell me what they were buying. He was buying a giant thing of beans. You know what I'm saying? It always never matched. Like, I saw Cher. What was she getting? Industrial strength toilet cleaner. Oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
In Christmas Story. In Christmas Story, he's the dad. Oh, yeah. But he's also one of the great, he's also in The Natural. Obviously he's one of the villains in The Natural. He's got one fun guy in there. But he did, I think maybe my favorite show as a kid was, he played Carl Kolchak in The Night Stalker, which was the scariest show on television. It only ran, I mean, maybe it ran two seasons.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I love that you called it, first of all, sexual grumbling, which made it sound like a grumpy... who's in a sexual mood, you know? I don't even know how that sounds.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
If that, it was not a success. but it was such a scary show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Coming out June 10th. You brought it up. That's your promo. I love that you went, so anyway, I'm back in this movie and well, da-da-da-da-da. June 10th, you brought it up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It would be kind of meta, but I'd do it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It's a teenager who then turns into a teenager who's just slightly older.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
He turns into a 16-year-old. Oh, okay. He's a 15-year-old and he goes in a corner and he's like, no! And then he comes out and he's a 16-year-old. He can legally drive, but doesn't know how to. Yeah, he can legally drive, but he can't. But he has the same amount of acne.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I think it's a great movie and I've got the rights.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It's kids today. I didn't have so much to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It's heartbreaking. I'm crying hearing about it. You're mentioning a bunch of movies that had a huge impact that I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I didn't say I didn't like it. I just have the Hitchcock films. What's your favorite Hitchcock? Wow, it's got to be Psycho. And I also like Strangers on a Train.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You can't just say a name twice and have it have more impact. Yes, you can. Farley Granger. Farley Granger. Farley Granger. I think he's proven that he can. It would be great if you, I think you'd be a great prosecuting attorney because you'd say, you know, the killer is of course, Steve Miller. Steve Miller. And people would be like, well, he's got to be guilty. He said his name twice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I don't know what that means, but I'm, yeah, there's not much to say. When you have Jeff Goldblum and you've managed to capture a Jeff Goldblum in the wild and you get it to talk, It's an event. It's a real event.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Steve Miller from the band? Yeah. Well, I just threw a name out there. What's a common name? He's not suspicious in any way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
She was on our show in the early years, and I loved her because I knew her mostly from Poseidon Adventure. Oh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
She, yeah, she was one of those people, there's a, it all depends on when you get into show business. And I, you know, you need to get in at the, I missed, you know, I shouldn't say that. I got to meet all these amazing people who then passed away. It makes me sound like a killer. I met them and then they were gone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
But before that, but I will say that, you know, there are all these great stars that passed away, you know, before I came along in 93. And you think of, you know, all the great, so many great stars from the, she had not passed away, but refused to take my calls. Elizabeth Taylor. Wisely, very wisely.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
The prisoner says, Patch of Blue, and he goes, ah! Okay, you can go. You're the first.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh my God, that is the ultimate experience.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Wow. I just, those, I mean, I live for those experiences. I live for the idea that you would see an iconic star in a restaurant and you would end up hanging out with them. You know, someone you grew up watching on TV. I was at some restaurant once and Warren Beatty was at another table.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And the next thing you know, I got invited over and I'm sitting with Warren Beatty and he's, I mean, Bonnie and Clyde was such a huge deal to me. I saw it first run with my friend. Yeah. And then I'm sitting there with him and I just can't believe it. I'm supposed to play it cool. But then you can't because it's too big a moment. Just too big.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I saw the Rockettes, but I was 50 yards away. I was in shrubbery. Oh, God. Just peering out. Oh, God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Up in the catwalk. Yeah. I'm the only guy that watches the Robcats from a distance. You know you can buy a ticket and be first row. No, no, no, I have my own way I like to do it. Doesn't do anything for me. Yeah, I gotta wait till all of them come out together into that field and I'll be behind those shrubs over there. What? How are you gonna get them all out here?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It really is. And you know what? When I say all Goldblum, I don't hear one complaint. No. No one's going to stop me on the street and say that was too much Goldblum. No. And set your filters, your Goldblum filters to high because you want to get all the Goldblum as it comes to it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Salt lick, we'll get them out there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You lit up. Look, I have to wrap this up. No, you mustn't, I beg you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Okay, we'll do it. We all need to be rehydrated. No, I just wanna, it's... My God. I want to get the word out. Because this podcast, I'm not going to brag. You can brag. A lot of people hear this podcast.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And so what I'm saying, that's just on Maui. Everybody listens five times.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Very successful podcast. Not for me to say. Let's not fact check that. It's 43 million. Yeah, no reason to look into it. But the point is a lot of people hear it. And so when I say Jurassic World Dominion, Jurassic World Dominion is coming out and that you are reprising your role as Dr. Ian Malcolm, that is going to pack the theaters alone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
All right, let's not turn this into a money thing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm just gonna say it. Yeah, that's what I, that's how I felt. And as much as everyone else was spectacular, but you and one of the dinosaurs really... I can't remember which one. It was one of the velociraptors. The velociraptors. It would be great if you got everybody back except one velociraptor held out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah, like, fuck it. You meet my price or I'm not showing up. Ah. Ah. That's right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yes. Yes. Perfection. Erotic ideal. Yep.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You have to come back because my time with you is serious. I'm going to be sincere. It's hard for me to do that. But- You're one of my favorite people. You really are. You too, man. And I just absolutely love talking to you. And it is, whenever we're together, whether it's been on the show or this podcast, it is unlike any other experience I have. And it means a lot to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yes. Wait a minute. Madness. I can give you a clue. Madness. Wait a minute. Is it? Madness. Hold it. Madness. Is it Apocalypse Now? No. No. That's the horror. You're close, though. Yeah. And it has a similar. Oh, wait, it's the last family ties. No, it does. It ends with madness. Madness. I love that this is the introduction to the show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And so when I heard that... that you were going to come in and inaugurate our new studio, my head blew up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I've been screen tested and apparently it's not good. It won't be a film, but maybe an animated project. Something where my face is mostly hidden.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
They're talking about this Conan O'Brien? It's an Irish Conan O'Brien.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
There is a guy named Conrad O'Ryan now. in Dublin, who's huge. And he's really cracked the code.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, they were just saying, you seem kind of girly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, trust me. We saw you walking down the street and it was girly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I see them multiple times. No, no, and it's all true. That's the one thing. I've been in the darkest regions, darkest, most remote corners of the world and people will literally come out from behind the rock and say, Schlansky, is he being real? And I'll go, yes, he's being real. And then they go back under the rock.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, my God. Well, anyway. You know what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Mr. Goldblum, Mr. Jeff Goldblum, you're the finest man that ever lived.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
We have to just take a second here and wallow in the joyousness of Jeff Goldblum. And we never do this. We talk to the guests, then we move on with matters. But Jeff Goldblum came in here. He is just an energy field. He is calming, but also enervating at the same time. He is... You know, he electrifies, solidifies, there's no compromise. I have real nice thighs. No, no, he's incredible.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
He does it. He's one of my, I got to say, and I was really looking forward to seeing him today and then to see how happy he was to see you, Matt Gourley, and you, Sonam Ovsessi, and he knew you as people. As human beings. Yeah, and you know, a lot of celebrities, they come in and they're like, oh my God, it's Conan. It's Conan, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I know, I keep trying to get them to say it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I have a cue card I hold up. I think Cato Kaelin was the only one. Cato Kaelin said it, yeah, but he was testifying. Oh boy. No, but... That's not funny. But anyway, no. Murders. Please, murder. When time passes, murders are okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I knew that I had, you know, had an orgasmic high, but I didn't know what happened. Yeah. And I think, I put it out to the listeners, listen to this Jeff Goldblum interview. And afterwards, I doubt anyone's gonna know what was said.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Let's laugh about it. Anyway, my point is that, you know, he saw me as a human being, not as some godlike creature. And he was so thrilled to see you guys as well. Oh, man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Jeff, we absolutely love you. We know that he listens to the podcast. So unless he's an incredible con artist who paid someone to listen because he said, I can't listen to that crap. Oh, no, no. No, unless he paid someone to listen and take notes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
That just occurred to me. I don't know if you have friends and you have people that you podcast with and you shuttle from place to place. Podcasting with people you may not really know well on a human level, but do you have friends that come over and do the things that you like to do?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Well, I don't know. I've never heard you reference a friend.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I don't know. You know that I have friends.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Your friends are all people you saw on TV and movie when you were kids in your mind. I'm E.T. Last night I had dinner with Gumby. Gumby?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
That says a lot about him. Let me ask you a question. Ladies love that man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And I understand because, you know, again, we have a similar frame.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
No, but what I don't understand. He said, like, not. No, I can handle it. I can handle it. Why is it that there's a fork in the road?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
No, but what I'm saying is that it does amaze me that he does have something that I wish I had that I don't have. Oh, me too. And I'm being completely honest. He does have an ease and he's always in the center. He's always centered. I think that's incredible to be centered like that all the time. And he's like a tuning fork that's perfectly vibrating with the universe.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And I feel like I'm a- You're just a fork. Yeah, like a fork that was eating clams, but someone didn't wash it afterwards, and then it fell in some sand. And it's got some clam juice and sand on it. That's pretty good, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Would you say that, I mean, are there a lot of other people just sending you money besides me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Then I'm a good guy and I'm your friend. No, you can't do that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Do you get a paycheck from? Why are you pointing at me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Full disclosure. Okay, I didn't realize you were just here on a voluntary basis. No, I've seen you driving, since the podcast blew up and suddenly you're driving a Bentley. No. Yes, you're driving a Bentley on, you know, just on Hollywood Boulevard.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You know, and- Classic girls. Yeah, and whoa, your license plate suddenly Pod King and you're driving around. You guys have both-
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
And your kids wear these like crazy satin outfits that you have handmade for them now that the podcast blew up. And so both of you have, your lives have been changed by knowing me, which means you have to like me. You have to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
It should work that way. You can't buy friendship. That's not. Yes, you can. No, you can't. That's why I moved to Los Angeles. You can. No. You can. Sona and I are friends. All of my friends work for me. And I'm very comfortable with that because if any of them piss me off, I can terminate that friendship very easily.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
This is interesting. I have to look more into this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, so now we're gonna rip on Joseph Stalin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Everybody gets torn down. Everybody gets torn down. Not Jeff Goldblum. And now it's Joseph Stalin. Jesus, no one's safe in this hypersensitive era. Jeff Goldblum is. He's an angel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
He is, we should stick the landing on this. He is such an unusually, he's an unusual person. There's no one else quite like him. And I do have to tell you that when I, in my travels, people always bring up to me, oh my God, I love it when Jeff Goldblum is on the podcast or he's on the show. He brings an energy that immediately transforms the experience.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I think we all are changed by him when we're in his, he creates like a biosphere, a Jeff Goldblum biosphere that's very enjoyable. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I didn't say splooge. I didn't talk about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I don't, again, I have a list of all the employees. I can consult. I don't think you even know my name. I can go to Jeff Ross. I can go to Jeff Ross now. I don't need to. All I have to do is go to Jeff Ross or Adam Sachs and say, the guy with the, you know, he's kind of a hipster and he lives in Pasadena. And they'll be like, yeah, Matt Gourley. And I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Anyway, tell him I wished him a happy Christmas. I got to get out of here. My helicopter's waiting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah, my helicopter's waiting. That's your helicopter. God, your helicopter is ill. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
No, but mine is different. Mine runs on pure malice. It's very eco-friendly. It's also super pervy somehow. Wow. Mr. O'Brien, you must really hate people today. We've got 600,000 miles. I just get in it and put an electrode on my head. Who are you mad at? And it leaves a noxious cloud of just pure bad intent behind me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yeah. Can you change that to squeegee in edit? No. So it just becomes squeegee? You guys were just squeegeeing each other. That, to me, feels erotic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
All right. Well, anyway, Jeff Goldblum, if you're listening right now, naked in the lotus position as you meditate, as he does every night, we love you. We do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Who's splooging around you that talks that way? That didn't at all sound like a guy who was about to ejaculate. In no way, your guy who was about to ejaculate is like, yeah, so anyway, I'm going to go get a sandwich. Oh my God, I just came. Who the fuck is that guy? You've been hanging out with Bruno the splooger? Yeah. He just has orgasms when he least expects it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Anyway, so I think what we're going to do is get a guy in here to rivet the beam. You need a good riveter, because the rivets have to be hot, too, because they've got to go into the eye beam. Oh, God! Oh, fuck!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
I don't know. This year, I think the Mets are going to go all the way. I'll tell you what it is. It's infielding. If you can keep the ball in the infield.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, fuck. I was talking about infielding. I thought I was safe. Oh, Jesus. I love this guy. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
All right. Well, anyway. On that note. Let's do this. Let's do this thing. Strap yourselves in. My guest today is an actor who has starred in such movies as Jurassic Park, Independence Day, and Thor Ragnarok. Now he's reprising his role as Dr. Ian Malcolm in the highly anticipated movie Jurassic World Dominion. To say I'm excited is insane because it's beyond that. Delighted, excited, orgasmic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
to chat with him today. Jeff Goldblum, welcome. Lord, I have to tell you, this is the inaugural podcast in our new studio with a genuine celebrity. We did a little messing around and testing beforehand, but you- Genuine. Genuine. You like that pronunciation? That's what I say.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
So listen, I must tell you that I can't think of a better person to start this off with than you. You know that you and I have something. A certain frisson. Admit it. Admit it. We have something. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
No, you are, I've interviewed you many times. You're one of my favorite people to talk to because you have an animalistic quality. Yes, and I mean that in the nicest way. Which animal? Well, I don't know. It would be a reptile, I believe. I think a panther. No, no, no, no, no. A panther? Because it has a long, darting tongue. I know that he can hit a fly at great lengths.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You are a combination of animals. You are a panther, but you are also a lizard. Of course, the fly, we must add the fly in there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
The tongue detached from the mouth? It detached.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
This is your dream? Yes, some of my dreams. Okay, let me pause for a minute. Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Goldblum, esteemed actor, is about to, he's relayed a dream that he had last night, and I can see that he's written it down. It looks like in Hebrew. I don't understand. Your handwriting is very bizarre. Do you speak Hebrew?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Oh, Mike, what kind of clue is that? A ceramic mug features in a breakfast scene. There's a clue for you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
Yes, let me say quickly, Freud had this theory that dreams have meaning. And we now know that Freud was wrong. That has no meaning. This is insanity. There's no, there's nothing, that opened no porthole. There's nothing there. Robert Altman returns from the dead and wants to stay at your home and he's being sneaky and you're in a hospital. Then you're in a pod, you're observing the Alps.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)
You go up one side and down the other after spending a brief interval in the bathroom.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I can't. I'm picturing all of your products have tiny little guns. And every now and then in your house, you're trying to sleep and you hear a... A tiny little shot. You go in and, oh, my hairdryer's dead. Sometimes they leave a little note. If I had to listen to him pronounce Socratic bullshit one more time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Oh my God, my stomach hurts. My chest hurts. My whole body falling apart.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Nose trimmer. Yeah. And then you went to the trouble to replace the blade.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Wait a minute, wait a minute. I don't see a huge difference. Well, that's telling that you don't see a difference between those two objects.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Little scissors. Oh, thanks for saying you don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Wait a minute. Why do you have to bring that up? That's hurtful.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Is that personally insulting? I still do big gigs. I still do live shows. Of course.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
My nose is not pumping out tons of hair every day.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I make little, I'm like Edward Scissorhands, I make little topiaries. I have a little dinosaur in this one and I have a lizard in that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Would you like me to tell you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay. I get very bad. I have very sensitive skin. And when I shave my throat, I get those razor bumps. You're telling me you deliberately leave that hair there? You think that looks better than a red neck? No, I don't deliberately. I don't deliberately leave it there. Do you see it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I shave it, but sometimes I try to do a cursory job so I don't irritate the skin too much, and maybe I leave a stray hair. And you know what? This is hurtful. No, this is not a stray hair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You've got 15 in a bag, you motherfucker. Give me one. Why are you saying I have to buy one? I'm not giving you one of these. Yes, you are. I employ you. What are you talking about? I'll buy one from you for twice its price. You paid $8. I'll give you $16. This is priceless to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'll give you $200. I'll give you $200. Okay. Say yes! Shake on it. That's 200 clams that you're going to get. You made a huge profit on that. Give it to me right now. Do I have $200 on me? I don't know if I do. Maybe I do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. I go to strip clubs sometimes. I think that's, you were yelling at me and you upset me because you said that my face was all fucked up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay, there's 100. Really, 200? You offered 200. I know, but what if I take it down a little bit now? No. I'll give you 100. Hold on, hold on. You want 200 seals the deal? Yeah. Okay, there it is. It's $200. Okay, which one do you want? Why don't you choose? Do you want this one? No, I want one in a box, asshole. I don't want one that's been up your ass two hours ago.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Oh, what do you use for that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
What goes up there? Seriously.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. I think the other's been displayed at times, frankly. What battery does this take? That takes a AA battery. Do we have a AA around here? I'd like to try and see if I can get this thing going.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, first of all, that's your doing, not mine. You've been paid a salary since almost day one. Is there any way I can turn him down a bit? The other one on your left thigh. Yeah, it's just, it's awful. Well, you had another guest in here at the same volume. What was the problem there? That was someone I respected. That was Tracy Ellis Ross. She's fantastic. Your other thigh. Why is the button?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
It's okay. This is brand new.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So what you're hearing is the actual grinding of some hair. I think I did a pretty good job with scissors. Not from what I'm hearing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I do hope you're murdered soon. This is a new nostril.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. This is better than the scissors.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Look at you now. You know what I love? I love that your look at you now is about this. You know, it's supposed to be about something bigger, like, you said that you were better than me, and that was 50 years ago, but now I encounter you when you're a hobo. Look at you now!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
But you use it on, you said that my information was incorrect, but I suggested this nose hair trimmer, and now you're using it. Look at you now! It's so small.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Jordan, if I wanted to demand the best in everything, explain your presence.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You're right. You're right. All fair points. And I am going to use this, and I appreciate it. Again, let's get the word out on the Panasonic ER-GN11, only available in Japan. You can't get this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. I just love that you have this sad little bag. I don't know. I'm sorry. Come on. Don't stare at me with hate. You have to admit you have a little...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Why is this goddamn? Oh, oh, oh, that's great. Oh, that's great. I said your left thigh. Why did you even have it in the same room? Why didn't you put the switch?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. Now be honest. Have you used it on the ass? Be honest. No. Have you used anything on the ass? No. Have you ever looked back there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Not that I'm aware of. Sometimes when you're in a certain transcendental state, you might take a look.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
That's a very personal question. Yeah. It was just asked of me, so I'm familiar with the question. All right. Well, I think this has been a very successful segment once again. Jordan has hoodwinked me. It's a good product. Did I pay too much? Yes, I did. Will I try and get the money out of Frank Smiley afterwards? Probably. Will I also keep the Panasonic ERG-N11? Yes, I will.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So I'm determined to come out ahead, but I'm going to let it go for now. But yes, during the show, it will have all the appearances of me shelling out 200 clams. Oh, quick advice. Where does the hair go?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, guess what? Yeah. That's Conan O'Brien nose hair. Yeah. I could sell that. They sell Elvis's sweat. I could sell Conan O'Brien's nose hair. And you know what? There'd be someone listening right now who would want to buy it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Someone's been listening and they're on the line? Yes. That's fantastic. Let's put this person on the line. This is exciting. What if I can sell my nose hair? Let's patch through. Hello, this is... I'm told this is Stephanie in Illinois. Stephanie, are you there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, I mean, day isn't much. I was hoping you'd say like week or month, but... Okay. I'll take, you know what? I'm going to take day. I'm not going to get greedy. Stephanie, it's very nice to talk to you. As you know, we've been, I just use this amazing product. I trim the insides of my nose, my nostrils. And I was talking about maybe someone would buy my nose hair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Is that something that you would ever consider?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
When you said you would consider it, it sounds like you'd consider it for a microsecond.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah, you know what? I respect you because I think only an idiot would buy my nose hair. And I think you made the right call. Tell me a little bit about yourself, Stephanie. What's your occupation?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Seriously? Yeah. So this is good because I'm sitting here. I do this show occasionally with, I guess I'm going to call him a friend of mine. I don't know what the term is. Jordan Schlansky. Are you familiar with him at all?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay. People seem to know him. A lot of people stop me and ask me, what's the deal with Jordan? And I want to say that I've spent a good chunk of my life trying to explain him to other people. You say that you're a psychologist?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
yes and so you are trained to understand um the human psyche the mind behavioral patterns you've probably done personality uh tell me and and jordan's here you can say hello hello stephanie yeah what what is your take on jordan schlansky hello
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Oh, that was a that was a pause. Oh, my God. That's not good. That's not a good sign. I thought we had I thought all communications had dropped and that you had gone off the grid. That was a pause because you don't know what to say. That's stunning.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, I mean, let's talk. Do you want to have any questions for Jordan?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Let's get into it. He just walked into your office. You're familiar with some of his videos. Let's imagine, you know, Jordan, you've seen his videos and he walks into the office. Um, and, uh, let's get to it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, listen, you are referencing a podcast interview.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm sorry. You're just describing the human species.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You're talking you're talking about Homo sapiens. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about you specifically. And and, you know. Well, I feel content.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
What I want to say, Jordan, is that you are not you say you're content, but all you ever do when we talk is bitch at me that you don't think you've gotten enough out of the Conan O'Brien.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Excuse me. I'm going to let you jump in here, Stephanie, because if I don't bully him out of the way, you'll never get a chance.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I supported your train of thought. All I mentioned was Tracee Ellis Ross was the previous person here. All I mentioned is an aspect of the Tracee Ellis Ross interview. Right, which no one listening to this right now on SXM has probably listened to yet. So everything you're doing right now is just babbling like a chimp. You're babbling like a chimp about various liquefied fats.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So you're saying, so basically what you just said is you're a normal guy. 40% of people despise you. 40% are fine with you, and then 20% in the middle have no opinion. That does not sound, Stephanie, to me, like the normal response an average human gets. What do you think?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Stephanie, let me ask you quickly. You're the expert here, and I'd like to hear a lot more from you and a lot less from Jordan. But my take here is I hear a lot of smooth talking from Jordan, a lot of words, a lot of sing-songy cadence, mannerisms, but it almost feels like it's talking to cover up. Is that what you're hearing, too?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So you're saying that maybe I could be the issue is maybe what you're saying.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Jordan, let's stick to the basics, okay? You've come in very hot. All I'm trying to say is you and I have known each other for 30 years. I've supported you. I've paid your salary.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yes, it's like when they first caught Ted Bundy, he was quite chatty, pleasant, saying to everyone at the jail, it's so nice to see you, what a lovely jail, because that had always worked for him in the past. Is that the analogy that you're making right here, Stephanie?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Sure, as all aliens do when they visit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I did do that recently, Stephanie. So he was sitting way across from me on an airplane flight. And I yelled across. We were on a shooting a travel show and I shouted way across the aisles in front of everyone on the plane just so I could make a ridiculous face at him. And I did it because I saw his face and it was just had no expression. It was lifeless. It was a mask.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And I had I mean, I was sitting on an airplane.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I think American Airlines deserved more. They do a good job and you could have given them something. And so I needed to the pond was too placid and I needed to drop a stone in and watch the concentric rings. Do you understand that, Stephanie?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
There was no magic. I just saw a weird face across the aisle wearing the same T-shirt you always wear, staring straight ahead. And it was annoying. Stephanie, why don't you break in and you talk for a little bit so that Jordan can go ahead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So you're saying that anyone who performed even the most negligible task on Late Night with Conan O'Brien 30 years ago should be a billionaire.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I usually say we think it's a childhood accident. Yeah. That's the best I can come up with. And that tends to they they just nod and go, yeah. You know, and I say I don't really know what it was, if it was, you know, a truck that stopped too fast and there was a railroad spike in the back and it took out some kind of traumatic brain injury. Yeah. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You know, those X-rays you see where there's a skull and there's a the the the giant spike going right through it. But they tell you the guy lived and he's a practicing lawyer. That's I'm always guessing that it was some kind of event like that, that there's a piece that's missing from Jordan that should be there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
But because someone in a Ford F-150 left a railroad spike in the back and then stopped short, Jordan has been an alien his whole life. Jordan, what do you think?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm sorry. It's the Conan and Jordan show and it's on the Conan channel.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
OK, so I guess that would make me the judge.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
It's like you're this guy that wandered into the Supreme Court in your loud suit and you're shouting up at a Supreme Court justice. Who are you to judge? I'm a Supreme Court justice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Stephanie, can you just step in quickly and tell Jordan that I'm better than him?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I love that that's coming from. Oh, my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
That settles it. Thank you very much, Stephanie. You're a wonderful person. And thank you. Thank you so much for calling into the show and for settling this question. And that's science. That's real science right there. Yeah, clearly that I'm better than you. And Stephanie, best of luck to you. Well, thank you so much, Stephanie. Really nice talking to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
She was lovely. She was. And also, I think she she nailed it. I think she just really nailed it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
We didn't know. Yeah, we didn't know. It was an accident. It was a psychologist. And who knew that it would be a psychologist who immediately took you apart? Yeah. and deduce that you are the monstrous freak that you are. Hey, that's all the time we have for now. Okay. And that's not really true. I have plenty of time left, but I just can't do this anymore. So I'm going to wrap this up.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Do you say, hey, stewardess, get over here and give me some of those bag nuts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
That's been this episode of the Conan and Jordan show. I think we made big progress. We learned a lot about a lot of things. And then a pretty much a woman of science said that I win and Jordan loses. Clearly a sound psychological opinion. We'll see you next time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
This is your big reward. Yes. Of all the people who started interning with me way back in whatever, 1995, 96. I think as I look around, you're the only one that has your own show with Conan O'Brien on SXM. So shut up. Shut up. Kind of like a Trumpy voice. Shut up. You're fired. You know, that kind of Trump thing. You're fired. Right. Right. Isn't that a funny impression?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm just saying that you're sitting here now. Yeah. You are one half of a show that's on SXM, and you should be grateful for that. Yeah, I am. Do you see other interns that you started with? These things are not mutually exclusive. The other interns you started with are all dead or in jail. You are here with your own show on the SiriusXM dial. Okay. Okay? Yes. So just settle down. Sure.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Now, I do want to talk to you about something kind of exciting. Okay. You mentioned on a previous episode of the Conan and Jordan show, I just keep looking over at the graphic to make sure this is really happening. Because this is a nightmare for me. You mentioned earlier that you had once entered a Guinness contest. That's true. Where you write a limerick. I wrote a limerick.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm saying you mentioned at the time. And so that's why I was using the past tense. I was talking about what you did do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I very much wish I had a firearm, but that's beside the point. You, if I'm not mistaken, said that you entered this contest. And at that time, you wrote a limerick. I did. As part of the contest. You liked your limerick. And I remember thinking, that's a pretty good limerick. Do you want to repeat it for us? Oh, yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I think that's very good. I'm serious. That is a very good... You entered it and you did not win. And what was the prize?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You get to own a pub. Even better. And can you imagine... Owning a pub. I was just there. Owning a pub in Ireland would be just amazing. Right. Fantastic. It could be a dream. That's like having a, you know, an Airbnb on the water in Maine. That's just like a quintessential wonderful experience. You entered and you did not win. Is that correct?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
It's not on. It's not on. It's so funny. I just thought, wow, he really has no personality. I couldn't hear you. Let's try it again. Say hi. Hi. You got to leave that in. It's just too good. Now I hear you, and I prefer it the other way. Listen, Eduardo, it's not your fault. A lot of sound engineers forget to turn on one of two mics. I'm not sorry. Uh...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I was never notified about any development one way or the other. Well, I have the information here. Okay. And the winner, the 1996, that's when you entered? Somewhere around there. Guinness Essay Contest winner was Shan Weston from Friday Harbor, Washington. I don't know Friday Harbor. Of course, my wife is from Washington.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I think near the San Juan Islands. Yeah, the San Juan Islands, which I'm quite familiar with. I've been there with my bride. Great wine in Washington State, by the way. Let's just stay on track. Retired wildlife education coordinator. She won. She entered the contest and she won... The Schoenecke Pub in County Clare. She won a pub. Oh, well, there's a picture. There she is. Oh, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
She won the contest that you failed to win. And 55,000 people in the United States entered the contest. And she won.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Frank, well, first of all, you look like a lot of things, and it's all-encompassing. Frank, you've done the research on this, and you've talked to Guinness, and they said that the contest that Jordan entered it did not have to be a limerick.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay. Anyway, Guinness, I'm sure they're going to rescind this once they hear your insane rant, but Guinness did respond to your limerick. Okay. They got back to us with their own limerick. Oh. And here's how it goes. There once was a man who loved Guinness. He entered a competition feeling ambitious. Still upset he didn't win with 30 years in the bin. Jordan, please accept a pint as forgiveness.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And Guinness has sent Guinness over for everyone at Larchmont, that's our company here, to enjoy. So, Jordan, you didn't win, but I'm getting a free Guinness, which is nice. And I don't know why Frank's getting one. What the fuck did he do? It's important. I set this up. You did? Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You're pouring that wrong and it's making me crazy. I took a Guinness pouring class and you're doing that all wrong. It's making me insane. Anyway, that's okay. That's all right. I don't have a glass because you only look after number one. Oh, you have a glass. You just didn't want to share it with me. That's great. When I said that was all sarcastic, I don't really think it's right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
We're also joined by Frank Smiley, who's here to help us out, navigate these waters and maybe intervene if a fistfight should break out. That's right. You know, Jordan, how many years have we been together? Approximately 30. Approximately 30 years. You came to work for me as a very young man and fretted your life away. Sure. You have built me a relationship. incredible amount of money.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not going to touch that line with a 30 foot pole.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Can I just say one thing? You're supposed to imagine there's usually a harp on any Guinness glass and you imagine on the first pour, you get it, you angle it, you hit the side of the glass and you go up to the harp and then you wait for the head to settle. Because these are from cans, it's not quite the same experience, but then you finish it up and I'll do that in just a minute.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Jordan, you didn't win, but we got our free Guinness, which is nice. Yeah. And I think they just, if I'm not wrong, Guinness, we just talked about Guinness for about 15 minutes and we were each paid one can of Guinness, which makes Guinness really smart and us incredibly stupid.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
How do you know why I haven't been paid off? Frank, very possible that you had us talk about Guinness for a really long time because there's going to be Frank Smiley's pub in the town of Billy Galili on the coast of Gali Balali. So I wouldn't put anything past him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And frankly, while I appreciate the sentiment, I see now why you lost the contest as a beer hater. Well, here I am with my limerick about Guinness known beer hater, Jordan Schlansky. Yeah. I once tasted something I hated and then I knew I was faded. And then this rest, you know, to lose the contest, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I took mine off the table when I realized we weren't getting paid for this. Frank, who probably is getting a pub, has kept his can on the table. You should take yours off because you're getting nothing out of this. I didn't know you could win a pub. That's so cool. Sounds a little bit like a headache, though. Not at all. No, no, no. There's never any problems in an Irish pub. All right. All right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
We're going to take a little break. Okay. We'll come back with more of the Conan and Jordan show. And we're going to have show and tell. We're going to have show and tell. Oh, that'll be interesting. Jordan, show and tell. Okay. Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky. We have a little segment here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
This is called Jordan Show and Tell, where you've brought something into the studio that has some resonance for you. That's correct. And you want to show it to us?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay, well, if you're hearing that classic tune, it means you're listening to The Conan and Jordan Show. And this is a show where I, Conan O'Brien, sit with, well, there's no other better way to say it, my nemesis, my foe, someone who over the years has irritated me to an incredible degree, Mr. Jordan Schlansky. Hi. Did you, is your microphone on?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I don't know what you do. We've never quite figured out what your task was on the old late night show or now. Did you say I built you money or I've milked you? Bulked. Bulked. B-I-L-K-E-D. As in Sergeant Bilko, as in bilked him. I took him for a ride. I squeezed him for cash.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So this, let me explain to the viewer. You've just handed me what looks like a very small vibrator. Okay. And it's a Panasonic. Yeah. And this is from the 90s, 2000s?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Nevertheless... If it was around you for 20 years, it probably killed itself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
To cut a tiny little gun and shot its brains out. LAUGHTER Have you noticed that a lot of your products commit suicide at a certain point?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
But can I say something I'd like to just bring up just for the record? Oh, I'm sorry.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Did you guys watch the OJ trial?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yeah, I think he's a murderer. And I'm not sure I buy what he's selling. Do you respect me? Because and here's what I'm going to say. There's tons of footage of him criticizing. my skin, the shape of my face. He sometimes more than implies that I've put on a little weight that I, he calls me, uh, I think he's referred to me as the beast and the monster.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yeah. OK, well, if we could cut that, I would. But I don't know that we have the money to edit. I'm just going to let it sit there. Just well, you brought you brought up the subject. So I just brought it up. Oh, there's no need to expand. What if you'd been sitting next to Lincoln when he gave the Gettysburg Address? Four score and seven years.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Um, you're presenting this information with no context.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Only an alien keeps saying I'm a human being and not a robot.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Jordan went into great detail once, doctors, about how he thought that I was in great shape because he reviews all the footage. And then, well, my monitor is going up now. And then he said that there was a period of time, like a two-year period, where he thought I gained weight. And he said, it sickened me to look at you during that period of time. Did you not say that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You said there were periods in the late night show when you thought I gained weight, probably in the early 2000s.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You know what happened is I got married and I was very happy after years and years of trying to find the right partner. I gave up and married this woman. No, kidding. I found my wife very happy. And she was cooking me all this great food. And yeah, I probably put on a little weight. My face got a little round. I started to resemble Ted Kennedy in the late 80s. And Jordan was quite, I see it now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You have to take that thing off. It's just going crazy. It's like a smoke alarm in the towering inferno. You just need to take it off. But I see now, because of your help, that you were, as a friend, I think, rather than just making fun of me, you were telling me as a friend something that no one else, Jeff Ross, isn't going to say you gained a little weight. Paula Davis isn't going to say that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
They're all yes people. They just, whatever's good. But you, you were trying to tell me the truth. Do you respect that? I do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I'd just like to point out, of course, that four score and seven years ago, of course, that's a shorthand. He is referring to the Declaration of Independence. And, you know, no, Lincoln didn't need someone to expand. Well, this is a radio show and I do have a microphone in front of me. So the implication is I'm supposed to speak.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I wish he hadn't said the word grotesque. And he called me the beast and the monster.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Oh, it's stuck in my mind quite clearly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, I'm going to speak purely as a professional. It's not as funny. When we're being really mean to each other, people are laughing. Right. When I'm hearing Jordan and appreciating him and he's telling me he respects me, I just see an empty audience and I panic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And when they see you, there's actually no data on that. Yeah, I think there's a lot of data on it. Well, we've looked for it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And I think this is important to review some of the more toxic areas. Okay. I'm going to say that you have made fun of the way I sometimes don't get all the hairs on my neck shaved.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I do things quickly. I'm always in a rush, very type A. I take quick swipes with the razor. Also, I now predominantly, you know, work in radio. The lenses here aren't that exact. My wife, you know, Doesn't get to see me up close too much. She's grown very distant. That's not true. I just threw it in there to see if I could pique your attention.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I spent half an hour trying to saw that microphone off its stand because I want to do a radio show with you where you don't have a microphone. That's what I would like. Jordan, part of our appeal, if we can call it that, some of the fascination is that people can tell that my irritation with you is real. I see. Do you agree with that? I mean, there is... This is not for me to assess.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
But I don't think she's getting a good look at my face anymore. She saw it. She liked it in 1999. It was enough. It was enough. Thank you. Thank you, John. It was more than enough. And so that's why he is very much into manscaping. Stop. Stop.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Are you saying that I could make Jordan sick?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
By putting him down? Yes. Well, this is fantastic. Thank you. Giving you a weapon? You just handed, yes. You are such a rascal. Well, I am. That's the nicest way to put it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
So by holding contempt for Jordan, I'm also damaging my own immune system. I'm lowering its ability to fight infection. That's right. So this is this is self-defeating.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You're implying the hair is growing out so much I could braid it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
High profile area. I am a very masculine man and I know you're going to stop me in a second and say this isn't relevant, Conan, but I would like to say in my own defense, I am, for a man my age, I think pulsating with testosterone, I pump out a lot of facial hair very quickly. I think sometimes that's not my fault.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And for you to attack me for being one of the most masculine men you know is, I think, probably unfair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He wants you to be quiet about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
uh i will not mention it to anyone else nor nor you well you also tend to uh mention it when there are cameras and microphones around wouldn't it be fair to approach me quietly and say conan you have a long tuft it looks like a ponytail coming out of four pores to the right of your adam's apple and i'll i will uh take care i'll seek out the proper authority so you prefer i pull you aside
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
It's not a bit, is what I'm saying. There's no way I could invent this contentious relationship. This is not wrestling. This is real. You're constantly getting under my skin. You and I have had many issues over the years. For a long time, I didn't know what you did on the show. Okay. I'm just being kind because I still don't know why you're working for me. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I love that you refer to light and the mirror as technology. Jordan, my personal appearance is one of the things that we have trouble with. Another thing that we have difficulty with is that Jordan loves to expand as he did on the phrase doctors. I find that insulting because you're both doctors. You're both highly educated. You're very successful, highly intelligent people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And then this guy is telling you the Latin root, what it comes from and what it means. Everywhere we go. I love it. Me too. You like it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Here's the one thing I'm going to say, Julie. Okay. If it's okay. He's often wrong. The information he told you, I would look it up because there's a 75% chance he's wrong. He has held forth and expounded on where Karate Kid 2 was filmed, wrong. The origins of pizza, what you're allowed to drink with pizza. He said, you don't drink wine with pizza if you're doing it correctly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He was corrected in Italy by the people making the pizza that, yes, you drink wine with pizza. He's constantly, You're wrong.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Oh, man, that was humiliating. Right. And Ralph Macchio, who played the Karate Kid.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Um, and you've committed, I think some crimes, you know, you've purchased expensive equipment that you yourself used and you charged it to the show. You came in late for a while. Uh, you've traveled the world with me or a know-it-all you've I've caught you many times saying the wrong thing. Uh, and you never backed down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, I'm going to point out something because I'm still wearing my monitor because it hasn't been beeping at all. Yours has exploded and blue foam is coming out of it every time it gets near you. It does not recognize you as a person. Mine, during his whole rant when he was yelling at me, went down to below 90 to 89. Interesting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
My heart rate, I think I have so little regard for his opinion that it's almost like he's a hat rack to me. I'm not saying this is correct. I know what I'm saying is terrible. And these are the confessions of probably a Ted Bundy hours before his death. But I... My heart rate went down when you were yammering and jabbering because I thought I was just looking at a chimp in the zoo, you know?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And so I was calmed and pleased. Okay, pause. Now, if you're going to try and say chimp in the zoo is an insult, I think you're way off base. And I know that John's with me on this one.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Very good. My wife would do that. My wife would do that because she's very grammatically correct all the time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
We're not in a courtroom.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Let me tell Julie and John one thing, which is that we were recently in Buenos Aires together. It wasn't for work. It was a romantic getaway. And he kept referring to the famous dance, the tango, as the tango. Now, and he got in my face and said, it's called the tango. Everybody in Argentina backed me up and said, no, we call it the tango. And he went, please, it's the tango.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
No, it's not the tango. So it's not that your whole premise is wrong, that you have the correct information. And isn't it kind of you to share it with me? Yeah. you're wrong.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
No, no, I would. And this is one of the questions I wanted to ask you is, is there a part in your book where you actually say it's OK for me to start hitting Jordan? Is it is physical violence probably usually discouraged, right? Probably so.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
What if I hired someone to do it? I don't get my hands dirty.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And, um, here we are after all these years and I don't feel we've made any progress. Do you think we're making progress? I didn't know we were attempting to make progress.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Jordan, please don't put me down. Okay. I groom quickly. I don't take the great care that you take with your groomings. I don't have all of the equipment you have or the oils or the balms or the waxes. Careful. You're right. I have to tell you, you're right. I was starting to get into judgment. Yes, you were.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And you know what? I appreciate that. I did not feel insulted.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Oh, yes. Trust me. I was cranking up the catapult. Oh, yeah. Pulling it back. I was pulling it way back. And then I was going to hurl a giant boulder at your castle and destroy it. You're wearing like a wizard's hat. You're up in a tower. Too much information. My point is that I, I groom quickly and I don't often take the same care that you take because you are very fastidious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He's very fastidious about his grooming and I'm not putting him down, but he has all kinds of products. He mostly for grooming. He has other products for various, uh, other practices of his, which I find a moral, but, uh, that's his thing and I'm not going to judge it. So whatever, uh, sexual stuff he's into, but my point is, um, I don't take the same care you do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I don't have the same standard of beauty, the same cannon of beauty that you have. So I just have to say, when you constantly point these things out to me, I feel less than I feel, uh, I get into a defensive crouch. I think I grew up in an environment. I've talked about this a lot, but I come from a very large Irish Catholic family. the son of very, very intelligent, educated people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I would like us to not fight all the time. Is that possible?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And yet for some reason, we fought like animals. We threw potatoes at each other. We really did. I saw my mother throw a potato at all of us once. It's the only thing we had around. We just had so many goddamn potatoes. We've been in the country for a while and they're very well-educated people, but they brought the country with them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And my point is that I often felt attacked and I learned growing up sarcasm, passive aggression, my verbal judo chops would be the way that I would get through life. And then along comes this big block of wood that's just perfectly made for a judo chop. Do you know? I mean, you've seen the karate, karate, sorry, Jordan, masters chop a board in half.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Verbally, my whole emotional reaction to things in life is a judo chop.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
attack before you can be attacked and then in comes this inanimate large um block of wood block just a block just a giant block of wood that's what he is he's it's not like you know having a conversation with a block of wood you know what i'm saying so and so i just chop away and that's what i do to you jordan and it's probably not always fair conan can i point out something
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
What does that mean? You're bringing up a sexual connotation now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I think so. You think there's some caring in there?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I think there is a lot. You know what he wants? He wants his paycheck. I mean, I know that sounds crass, but I am his employer. We aren't husband and wife yet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Three decades. Three decades, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You and I. Whenever I'm intimate with someone, it quickly becomes sexual.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He's unemployable. No, no, seriously. And you told me that because of your actions that are out on the web, you are seen as unemployable. Yes? There have been... Why don't you get back to your point, Julie? I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. That's right. You know what I did? I... I went again on the attack. And again, the old judo chop. And I apologize, doctor. Please go ahead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And John, you were right to stop me. I was.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, you're intimate with me. Yeah. And I'm afraid it's going to get sexual very quickly. Okay. I'm already aroused. I'll be honest with you. Okay. I mean, nothing's happened down there in four years. So this is a huge, huge deal for me. It's like a zombie waking up after a long sleep. Jordan, I would like to get along with you. Okay. Would you like the same thing? I think we do get along.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I don't let any of those in. No.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Let me ask both of you. I would like you to give your assessment, and this may be selfish to take Jordan out of the equation, but Assess me. You've watched a lot of tape, probably against your will, but you had to because you were coming on here. Do you see a damaged man? And I want to start with you, John. I want to make sure you get your- No, I don't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I think I'm, I disagree. I think I'm very badly damaged, a madman maybe. But I do think humor saved me from actually committing crimes, you know? Yeah, I understand. From going on the loose and leaving a trail from...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
We both feel that. And you feel that love is coming from Jordan, but I'm blocking it with humor. That's right. Right. And put downs.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
With my... He's objectively... He was wrong about where they shot Karate Kid 2. Objectively wrong. They shot it in Los Angeles.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
No, I still remembered him being wrong. Okay. It came back like a train coming at me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
What are you talking about? All we do is I mean, we're two friends and I don't think we're friends. I'm your boss. You have both of these. Those are there are barriers.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
We are friends. We are friends.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I pay you. OK. And I wish you did as I told you to do. OK. But yes. And if that still means we're friends, then yes. And I dream of firing you. OK. But we're still friends.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
So, um... If Jordan and I, let's say in another universe, because I don't think it's going to happen in this lifetime, but let's say we got along, people wouldn't be fascinated. It's because they see us taking chunks out of each other that it becomes... It's a wrestling match. It's a wrestling match, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
A very strong wrestler against a very, well, bodily shaved wrestler, but one that's very weak and has bad information. Careful. You're right. That could have almost become an insult.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And are you going to be us in this conversation?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
In terms of communication. Idealized versions of us. Idealized versions of us. Okay. And an idealized version of me is apparently me. Communication. So who's Conan and who's Jordan?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Listen, I don't know what kind of response you're looking for. OK, Jordan, let me ask you something and be completely honest with the viewers. I do have people that say to me, oh, this must be some kind of bit. This must be some kind of thing that they work out. We have never worked anything out. That is absolutely true. Well, I would like us.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He once threw a cyclotron at me. Go get her.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
What? I don't hate my father. I love my father. My father's a great guy. And? I respect him. I love him. He threw those test tubes at me for a reason. I was acting up. This is on me. It wasn't my dad. I was way out of line. Dad, I'm sorry. I think we should try it right now. Oh, yeah. So, Jordan, why don't you try and talk to me the same way that these two just talked. Let's try it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
No, it doesn't. I'd never want to hear that stuff, ever.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Jordan, take it in. I never want to hear it. Oh, you never want to hear it. I never want to hear it. I should not even ask. Exactly. I see. Yeah. There's no like, well, it depends on the moment. All this information I...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
have just goes to waste yeah it mostly it's it's mostly shit it's not good and i'm sorry listen i'm sorry that seemed harsh julie i'm sorry um uh it's not factually correct most of it and um i think you're just shooting from the hip uh so no i don't need to hear it um i can always and trust me i have their phones you can look up everything you need to know right now and uh and it will tell me well sometimes you don't know what you don't know right jordan yes let me ask you something yes why is it so important to you
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I'm at a stage in my life, God knows if I have much time left, and I would like to make progress. I'd like to make peace. And there are, I don't know, there might be 50 hours online of you and I bickering that circulates the globe at all times. And I would like to stop the cycle if I could.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
This is also a different thing. I want to grab one thing just so there's no love my dad. Dad, not the problem, not the issue. My brother, Neil... Man, and Neil, if you're listening, and I know he's a listener, he was older than me and he would sit on top of me and I couldn't move and he would laugh. And yeah, he would laugh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He did it two years ago when I visited. Yes. You know, and I had to call the police. Neil, if you're listening, that really got my goat. My father, a great man, great man and very lovely and a sweet man. There's some issues. Everyone has issues with their father and their mother. Of course they do. Okay. But listen, I won't have my father slandered on this show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And that you're not replaceable. I just point out, I think I'm not replaceable, you know, sort of a once in a hundred year talent, um, like a Haley's Comet, if you will, in comedy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And my point is, I think of you as, you know, an Ikea trundle bed, you know, that, OK, this one broke. I'll get another one. Right, right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I would like you and I to get along and figure out what is it maybe I'm doing, but mostly what is it you're doing? Like me, maybe 10%, you 90%. You're like the iceberg on the Titanic. Really, you're the one that's at fault. You're the one that tore the side off my ship. And now all those women and children, men are going to die. But anyway, again, your iceberg, mostly your fault.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
He didn't notice it. Yeah, he didn't notice it. And then he controls the paperwork, so he probably just gave himself a raise.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yes. I mean, and to be fair, especially with the money part, that's mostly goes to me. Like it's, I am, you know, this is just another thing. I don't know that you see a lot of money from this. No, no, I don't. But I, you know, I mean, I haven't seen your house, but mine's just, it's insane. Well, we're not equal. Of course you are superior and I am inferior.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
11 of your houses would go into my house. And we might do that as a bit.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Thank you so much. I was told this was an erotic novel. What's going on in there? This is excellent. I want to thank you very much. And my eternal thanks to the Gottmans for being here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Thank you, Frank. And our job, Jordan, we're both going to read this book. And I would actually like to hit you with this. So that might be the way that I use it. No, that's Neil.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, he's really strong. He might hit back. I want to thank you both very much. You both are, all joking aside, very good at what you do. Oh, it's been a pleasure. We just may be a lost cause. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. That's been this very just fascinating for me episode of The Conan and Jordan Show. And thank you for tuning in. And we'll see you next time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You struck me, ended up getting hurt in the process. It was dark. Right. It was dark. Right. It was very dark. There was no technology. Yes, but you knew it would be dark. It's not a surprise that it was dark. Darkness happens. There's day and there's night. It was a maiden voyage my first time at sea. And I didn't know that the night came on so darkly in the North Atlantic area.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You fucking iceberg. You came along and you weren't lying there. You were, of course, everything floats and moves in a current. You came hurtling down from the north and you smashed into me. I was having a good time. Bowen Yang does a wonderful sketch on this where he's the iceberg and claiming it's not his fault. Uh, no, it was the iceberg. I disagree with Bowen Yang.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
How long have we been shooting remotes and things together, Jordan? You've worked for me for how many years? Approximately 30 years. Okay. And we started shooting things... I don't know, like 20 years ago, maybe? 15 to 20. Okay. I like that you always give a range. It's really not completely relevant. I think it is. I am educating. Listen, I go anywhere in the world.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Okay. My point is you're large and inanimate. You're frozen to the touch. I'm a mesomorph. I'm medium. What's that? You're large.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I've never heard an iceberg speak so, you know, insanely about their body type. I think icebergs float around and say I'm a mesomorph. No, they don't. The point I'm trying to make is that I have drifted through my career peacefully with little friction. I'm a high class operation, beautifully built ship. And then this lunky piece of ice slammed into me and ruined everything. So let's fix this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Are you ready to fix it? Sure. I am. Now, I'd like to introduce Frank Smiley. Hello. Who's the producer of the Conan and Jordan show. I have to keep looking to make sure that that's actually the name. I'm glad my name is first. Right. Well, this is a very special episode.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
By the way, I don't know what's going on. And you know what I love? You never know what's going on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
They also, I'll mention it now. I'll mention it again as a plug. This has nothing to do with what we're doing, but it actually has everything to do with what we're doing. They have a book. called Fight Right. They are such experts. They've written a book. It's all about how to fight correctly. And these are experts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I mean, these might be the two foremost authorities on fighting conflict resolution partners. You and I are partners. We didn't ask to be, but we've been thrust together into this situation. And I think there's a good chance the Gottmans, do you agree, Frank? The Gottmans, if anyone can help us, it's the Gottmans.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Here they come. Here they come. Oh, hello there. How are you? Do I call you Julie?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Dr. Julie and Dr. John. I'd stand, but I met you already and my legs don't work. That's enough. One standing for you guys was enough. Do I call you Dr. Julie, Dr. John? What do you like? John Julie. OK. All right. Well, listen, let me start by saying I don't respect what we do in the studio.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And so when people like yourselves who are real professionals take time in to come in and help us, it's it's a blessing. Yeah, it's really nice.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I did not get that. I did not get that. I saw them shoot kindness towards you, and what I received was a hostility. And mixed with indifference. Let me start by saying thank you very much, Drs. Gottman, for being here. You really do know your stuff, and it's thrilling to be in the room with you because...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I'm sitting here with my friend Jordan, and I'd like to start by saying, how aware are you of my relationship with Jordan Slansky? Have you viewed any of the footage? Yeah, we both have.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I was just in Ireland shooting some stuff for Max. It used to be called HBO. Then someone said, no, that name's too cool. Let's call it Max. So anyway, I was shooting something for them in Dublin and people were coming up to me on the street and saying, where's Jordan? People all over the world know that you and I have this fraught relationship.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Wait a minute. What are you talking about? What are you talking about here? This gentleman, John, just held up two strange devices. I don't know if those are legal. I don't know if they're sexual in nature.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
That's what I said to my wife on our wedding night. This will not shock you or stimulate you. Sorry, that's terrible. Oh, this is cool. I've put this pulsometer on my pulse oximeter. I'm sorry, pulse oximeter. Right. And tell us what a pulse oximeter does.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I'm sorry. Why is yours going off right away?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, can I point out quickly? We're not sure he's from Earth. We don't know. He may have six Vulcan hearts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Fascinating. Don't hide it. Yeah. Don't hide it. You are. You set off that alarm immediately and you're sitting in a chair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You might have to take that off. We should take that off for a second because I think listeners listening right now will go insane. So take yours off just for a moment and for it to allow it to recalibrate.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
That sounds fantastic. I'm watching my heart rate is now 93. It's plummeting. It says here I'm having a small stroke. I'm glad you guys laughed.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
It lives online and now it lives on Sirius XM and I couldn't be happier.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Okay, well, if you're listening to the song Tom Sawyer, you know that you are enjoying the Conan and Jordan show. This is a show, you can't find it anywhere else. And so far, I'm told people love this show. It's doing quite well. And it's growing. It's growing rapidly because... People are fascinated with the relationship between Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You know, it's interesting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Now, here's where it gets tricky because you said, I need to ask Jordan for what I really need. But what if what I really need is for him to shut up?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yes. That's what I want to do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I'd love to. I'd love to flip him upside down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Very good. You could work for someone else. In a different profession. I think in a different city. That's something that might make me happy.