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Chapter 1: What holiday traditions do the hosts discuss?
Good morning, oh my God. Good morning. Oh my God. Eat the cookies. I put them out. Eat the cookies. Oh my God. There's just crumbs here and all the milk is gone. Or is that Sean? Sean, did you drink the milk? I might have drank it. I might have done both. I might have eaten the cookies and drank the milk.
Hey, Sean, where are your pants?
Uh-oh. It's a holiday surprise. Welcome to Smartless.
So what do we got going on for the holidays, you guys?
We're going to be... I'm going to be going to a beach environment. And you're going to be there as well, Will. And I think it's bullshit that Sean's not going to be there.
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Chapter 2: What are the holiday plans for each host?
What are we going to do pre-Christmas? We should get together.
I'm sure we'll be at a holiday party. I got the invite for Conan.
Are you coming? I think so, yes. but you said that you might not be able to make it.
Because there's another thing on that night that we got to go to, but that's not starting until nine. So it looks like I can squeeze Conan in.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Oh no. Wait a minute, wait a minute. No, wait, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Oh, excuse me, excuse me.
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Chapter 3: Why is Sean missing from the holiday gathering?
Bateman, Bateman, hold on.
You just ambushed me, Arnett. Bateman, Bateman, you're going to squeeze me in?
Yeah, I'm going to be one of those guys. You're going to squeeze me in. You're going to be the early part of my night, the night that I don't really care about because then I'm going to go to the party that I really want to go to after that. Wow, and I know, and guess what? Let me tell you why.
Guess what? I know what that party is, by the way. I know what that party is. And if I could get into that party, I'd be at that party instead of my party.
Yeah, no, she doesn't like you. Hey, can I tell you something? You're not going.
First of all, that is, Christiane Amanpour loves me and she will have me to her party. That is the party everyone wants to go to. Let me tell you something, Jason, and that's called speed. You'll pick it up someday. Let me say something, Bateman. You bitched. You bitched. You bitched on this podcast.
Live on stage, Conan, remember?
And on stage. And on stage. You bitched and moaned on Harmless. What's the name of it? What is it?
It's Harmless. Harmless.
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Chapter 4: What iconic party are the hosts mentioning?
And yet I didn't. So last year was the first invite. Yeah. Finally. I invited you. And what did you do? What did you do? I couldn't make it. And what were you doing instead? I can't remember yesterday. I remember.
I remember what you were doing instead.
You were seeing- You were at Jen's. No, he wasn't at Jen Aniston's. I'm going to go back in my calendar here. December 20, December 2023.
No, you weren't in town.
Christmas, was it the 23rd? Guess what? A friend of mine- I was at Jen's party. Nope. You showed up late at Jen's party. A friend of mine saw you at Meineke Mufflers on La Cienega.
That's when the lines are the shortest.
They said you were there for four hours. And listen to this. Hanging around, hanging around with no need of a muffler repair. Just chatting people up.
I have an electric car. Yeah, there's no muffler at all.
Conan, the worst part is that I heard that he was going to go to your party. He ripped his own muffler off. Yes. Just to delay going to your house.
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Chapter 5: Why did Jason miss Conan's party last year?
I never said that.
He wrote them in the New Yorker. They were in a piece in the New Yorker. called Why No One Likes Conan O'Brien.
Sean, you've been to this party?
I've been to this party, but the only reason I get to go is because I have to go early to set up.
You have to work it. You have to remember, Sean, before he hit it on Will & Grace, worked the party for seven years. He was a caterer.
Yeah, he was a caterware.
I feel like that's a true story. But that is a true story. I did it.
I set up some party stuff at Anthony Edwards' house before. Really? Was he kind to you? He was very kind. Yeah. He was very kind. Good guy. But Conan's party, your party's always super fun.
Wait, Conan, don't start going like, good guy. What are you, the decider of like, this guy? Yeah, yeah. You don't know.
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Chapter 6: What funny stories arise about parties?
Who are these gotta work actors?
And then, hey, Conan's going on, I'll check it out. But listen, then I, so I did that for you guys, okay? Then to return the favor, Sean Hayes, Ben here, talk to me on my podcast. Will Arnett comes sometimes when we don't even invite him, just hanging around. Holding on to his muffler. How have I not been invited? Oh, you have been invited to my podcast many times.
No way. Many times. No way.
Many times. Adam, many times. Many times. And your publicist, this is a quote from your publicist, not his cup of tea. Bullshit. Bullshit.
I swear on my kid's life, I can't remember being invited onto your show.
Ask Adam if this is true. Conan, ask Adam if this is true. Three times he said he couldn't make it because of prior muffler engagements. Okay, all right.
Listen, that's a three-time callback, and that's a felony. Listen, Adam, Adam, Adam, is it not true that he has been invited many times and that his publicist, I don't remember her name, I think it's Enid Crud, I think is her name, said, not his cup of tea.
I can confirm he's been invited multiple times.
Oh, you left crud?
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Chapter 7: How does Jason feel about being invited to Conan's podcast?
No, I'm texting Cara Trapicchio and Christine Trapicchio right now saying, show me the receipts of my invites to Conan. Oh, that's right.
Because there's always a money exchange when I ask you to come up.
Do you think that they're going to let you feel bad about this? This is their business. It's just dancing around your rage fits, babe. And there's no way that they're going to feed into this.
Conan, how do you spell your name real quick?
Okay. All right. Jason, if that's even your real name. I-N or A-N. Jason, it's K-O-N-I-N.
Jesus. Did you hear the little whoop? That text just went off.
But wait, but now, but Jason, you're going to go this year for the very first time. This is going to be super fun.
To the party, but not to the podcast. I would like to be a guest on Conan's podcast. You have been invited. Conan has a podcast.
Empire. You have been invited.
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Chapter 8: What is the significance of Conan's holiday party?
Yeah.
And I would like to go see how it's really done. Oh, well, thank you.
And you know what? Right off camera, he was going like this.
And just so in case anyone knows, that's either the jerk off motion or the shucking corn motion. I don't know what that is. Wait, you know, I'm going to wrap this up soon because I have a guest. When is Taylor Swift coming in? Is she coming in now? She's coming in in person, right?
Oh my God.
I don't know what the, you guys probably had her, but anyway, she's coming in. She's coming in with Travis? Travis Kelsey.
Oh, that's cool.
That's the white whale.
Anyway.
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