There’s fallout from JT’s cane faux-paus on Southern Charm, and Craig is more than happy to fan the flames with some blatant lies. Meanwhile, Whitney cupcake shames Molly, and JT reveals an inflated sense of importance in Madison’s life. Watch this recap as a video and get all of our bonus episodes over at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens?
doing just fine and dandy it's friday here we're here to talk some southern charm and of course as you may already know as a listener we are going on tour next year the mounting hysteria tour starts in january and right at the beginning of it uh one week into it we have the golden crappies in new york city that is our annual award show for all things bravo although maybe this year we might allow in some peacock stuff a bit i don't know
But either way, it's our award show where we give out the best and the worst on Bravo, on TV, in our lives, in the world, in home goods, whatever it's going to be. But we will have voting open in the new year. And most importantly, it's a live show. It's going to be in New York City at Town Hall on February 1st. So please join us. It's going to be great.
We're already working on some really exciting things for it. Going to try to get some very cool guests for it. It's going to be a night of chaos.
music and fun and joy so come join us watchacrappins.com get your tickets and get your tickets just for the other shows as well because they'll all be wonderful and so fun be with your peeps be with us be yeah do it self uh we're also on video today on crappins on demand on patreon and it's also where we are recapping sold on slc the new show on bravo so go check us out over there
and let's get into it today we are doing southern charm season 10 episode 2 off the peep end off the peep end i get it so we're at craig's house he's raining furniture and he knocks over something onto his flowers and he's like oh my god those are brand new flowers sorry babies they're like fuck you craig the flowers are mad
Then the show gives us a gift, and it's what I've kind of loved watching. It's one of the things I've loved watching on this show since it started, which is Austin slowly losing his pride and joy. His hair. So let's go to Austin staring at himself in a mirror. And you remember that, how he used to confidently stare in the mirror and be like, yeah, and kind of shape his stupid congressman hair?
Yeah. And now he looks with such worry in the mirror. And I love it. It just makes me feel so good. I think part of it is that it's not misery, but follicly challenged love's company maybe is part of it. But it's also just that he's such a douchebag, and I know it's crushing him.
It's crushing him inside.
I don't want to see him crushed. Just kidding. Maybe that's a little too mean for the start of a recap. But Austin sucks. No, it's not. And never forget Austin sucks when he's charming at the beginning of a season, as he is currently.
Yeah, that's correct. And then we go over to Vanita's house and Vanita is feeding Charles. It's our first Vanita feeding Charles scene of the season. They always shove these at the beginning of the episode because they don't really know what to do with Vanita after all these years still. So she is feeding Charles and Charles is just as uncharismatic as ever. So there we go.
How dare you come for Charles? Come for Austin. He deserves it. What does Charles do to anybody, you know?
All I'm saying is I go after all the dogs on this show. And there are many.
Then we got a Patricia. Tell me what's going on there, Whitney. And he's like, I don't know. Not much, mother. And he's just like standing there with some. Some brown liquor and a swirly glass. I'm too poor to know what kind of these glasses these are, really. But he's swirling it around like he's on Masterpiece Theater.
And she's like, well, I guess I'm going to organize this Easter dinner, Whitney.
Yeah. And he's like, ha, ha, ha, mother, ha, ha, son's fun mother, ha, ha, ha, ha. What kind of bourbon is that, Whitney? It's 15-year Pappy Van Winkles. Oh, yeah, I used to be married to Pappy Van Winkles. He sure had it together a lot more than you did, Whitney. You can learn a thing from Pappy.
Funny you're drinking a 15-year-old Pappy Van Winkles. I was 15 when I started dating Pappy Van Winkles. My, how things change. You enjoying that $2,000 bottle, Whitney?
Let me tell you something. Being married to Pappy Van Winkles, I'll tell you, I certainly, I was the one who was asleep for 100 years in that relationship. Wow, never met a more boring man in my life.
So then we go over to Shep's house and Shep, you know, it's a Shep house. showing us Shep again, getting dressed, getting dressed scene with Shep. And are there people or they're obviously doing these for the audience, like showing the men getting out of the shower and stuff. But is there anyone getting off on Shep and Austin getting out of a shower? Can we just stop?
It's like, just, it's one of those things on Bravo. I just need to stop. Just stop, please.
Yeah. They're just, they're just trolling us. That's a, just a casual troll by the editors. They're just bored. And they're like, they just know, like, It's just like no one wants to see it. And they're like, oh, my God, let's just make people squirm. Let's do that to the poor people who tune in to see this show.
So Little Craig is there. And Little Craig, I'm going to say it again. Little Craig is tired this season. I don't know if Little Craig has had enough. I don't know if he wants to run away from Shep. But Little Craig has lost some of his spark there. Sorry, Little Craig.
Little Craig is a child of divorce. So Little Craig's gone through a lot.
You think that's it? Yeah, little Craig's, you know, we're starting to see it. We're starting to see the long-term repercussions on little Craig.
He's suffering. Yeah, and I think also Shep ships him off to his parents most of the time when he's not filming. And then when he's filming, he gets the dog back. And so I think Craig is also missing his real parents who are Shep's parents.
So Shep FaceTimes a new face, which is Sienna, his girlfriend, who is gorgeous. And I don't know what she's doing with Shep, but he must have charmed her and mentioned that he owns like five billion acres. That's the only way I can imagine.
She is Miss Bahamas and she wants to get the fuck out of there. And so she is going to be on a TV show that Shep is on. That is exactly what she's doing with them. And it's so obvious, too, because the second we see her, she's like... Hey, honey. Hi, how are you doing? She's like, good. Do I look clean? I just got out of the shower. I shaved.
Which is so sad to need a fucking award for taking a shower and shaving. She's like, yeah, you look fresh for once.
Yeah, he's like combed his hair down. Like he does that thing with his hair. Like he's about to do a book report.
He's like, look at me. Okay, everyone. Here's my book report on the Vietnam War. A transcript that I did all by myself.
Oh, I like your hair. I like it like that. Wow, look at your hair. She's like, yeah, I washed it and floofed it.
Whoa, did you cut it too? Oh, I'm just the kind of guy who notices stuff like that. Yeah.
Sienna and I met on this dating site called Garsh for Garsh. And I was enthralled by her basically.
Plenty of Garsh's. It just didn't work out on. Okay. Garsh. So I moved on to. Garsh.
Garsh.
of course because he's talking about raya right i assume anyone who's like a celebrity or wealthy i just whenever they say a dating site it's like first rule of raya don't talk about raya otherwise you'll be kicked off you won't be able to match with people like shep rose so um you're gonna have to get your chlamydia locally from non-celebrities you'll have to go to match.com.
Ew.
Gross. Who are you?
Gail Simmons. So, um, we see them all together and everything. And Chep's like, I just think she's so sexy and there's nobody else that looks anything like her. And the whole country of the Bahamas would agree because she's Miss Bahamas. Gersh. So we see her. She is Miss Bahamas.
And of course she has to be dating a Miss Bahamas. Fucking Shep. I swear to God. Like Shep just never understands where he's going wrong. You know? You don't deserve a Miss Bahamas.
Oh, I was like, wait, I think that's actually, I think that's a great choice.
Well, it's just like, of course he has to date like a beauty queen. You know what I mean? Because he's Shep. He has to have like a trophy on his mantle. He can't just have a fucking normal conversation with a normal person. You know what I mean? I'm saying that he's always looking for some kind of trophy instead of something real. Because this girl is clearly not into him.
Yeah. Why not? Like, why not give a shot to Mitzi Goldberg? How about that? Yeah, why not? Down at the CPA's office.
When you're saying, when I'm asking who's watching those shower scenes at the beginning, that's who. Mitzi fucking Goldberg is there.
Mitzi Goldberg, Rachel Goldfarb, anyone whose last name starts with gold. Judy Gold, the comedian. Never know. I think she might be a lesbian, but she might turn for you, Shep.
Oh, God, she's so sexy. And we see her in her gown and sash. And he's like, I wish you were here. She's like, yeah, I do want to spend some more time with you there when there's cameras there. Just don't try and have me come there again when there's not cameras there. That was really annoying. He's like, oh, she's so beautiful here right now. It's 70 degrees. There's just a little. Oh, sorry.
It's 110 now. Oh, gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Vibroventilating. But that's part of the fun. Come on.
My armpit hairs are sticking to my chest. Come on.
So then we go to Taylor with Gaston. And she's like, are you ready to pickle? And unfortunately, they're not actually pickling vegetables or anything, which would have been semi-interesting. Instead, they're playing pickleball. So Gaston's like, yeah, let's do it, baby. She goes, wow. look both ways and hold my hand when you cross the street. And he's like, get out of here. And she's like, oh man.
I'm glad Taylor got over her infant infantilizing relationships. Kink. Look both ways before we cross the street. Hold my hand. Say a prayer. For fuck's sake, just cross the street, Taylor. So we finally see Gaston. Gaston, listen, we've taken some shit for making fun of the name Gaston last week because we're Americans. And so to us, it's a Beauty and the Beast name.
And that's the douchiest name from Beauty and the Beast. But people are like, hello, that's an extremely popular name outside of America. So sorry, outside of America, we're not making fun of you. We're making fun of inside of America. Okay?
Currently. We're going to hold space for the name Gaston right now. Okay. So we're just going to like, for all the Gastons out there, we officially apologize. We know this was probably a tough thing for you to listen to last week.
All the actual Gastons out there, you know? Sorry, guys. But let me tell you one thing about Gaston. What? No one works like Gaston. No one twerks like Gaston. No one ever is ever a jerk like Gaston. Okay.
If I knew any of that song, I would. Yes. And you, but I actually don't know any of that song. I just know of the song.
I don't know what song you're talking about, but no one is big like Gaston and no one is a kingpin like Gaston. Okay. Okay.
No one is someone who walks across the street like Gaston. No one's a pickleballer like Gaston. No one is a man with an interesting.
No one pickles like Gaston. No one shaves his hair so close to the sides like Gaston. Gaston, what are you doing with a beard? And then you shave your sides of your hair all the way down to the skin. And then you have more hair on top. Gaston's a mess. Can I just say? And Gaston's been working to get on TV for a long time. He's been fucking people all over Bravo to try and get on here.
And you're finally on. And this is the hair you show up into pickle.
Yeah, well, he has a vertical mullet, which is it's party on the bottom. It's like party on the bottom and work on the top or something like that. Or maybe it's the other way around. I just made that up right now. But the point is, it's a very popular style amongst like men his age, which is like your shave, shave, shave, shave, shave. Then all of a sudden, lots of hair.
It's kind of like the mushroom, but it's not the mushroom. It's just a thing. It's like this weird choppy. It's like intentionally choppy. But I have to say, I still prefer it over the broccoli bangs. So like, you know. That's true.
Yeah.
let's not forget the real enemy in our lives.
And I'm being a dick, but you know what, you guys, at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. And no one's slick as Gaston, and no one's quick as Gaston. So who the fuck am I? Okay? I'm not Gaston. That's for goddamn sure. You're Jean Valjean. Two, four, six, Gaston!
OK, so here we are pickling, which I guess we're saying pickling now about pickleball because it's not obnoxious enough without adding pickling to the mix. So it's no, it's not a facial treatment at Patricia's house. It's an actual game people are playing. So they go to pickle. And Taylor, who's all smiles these days, is like, Gaston and I have been dating for about seven months.
We're friends and we just went on an accidental date because my friend ended up backing out. So it was just me and Gaston. Were you the stand-in for your friend? What is she talking about?
It was probably her roommate who had to sit and listen to endless stories about Shep for all that time. And then she was like, you know what? I don't think I want to go to dinner with Taylor anymore. I'm just going to leave her. So, yeah, they had this dinner. And then four hours later, he asked if he could kiss her. And she said yes. And now here they are playing pickleball in love.
That's how it should work, you guys. Yeah. What?
Just... Someone doesn't want a piece of chicken. You eat the piece of chicken. You marry the piece of chicken. That's...
Isn't that how it worked on Secret Lives of Mormon Wives? I feel like that's I feel like we've heard this story a lot lately.
Yeah. And I mean, I do. I'm not being sarcastic that it should be that easy. It shouldn't be like, oh, my God, I got to go on plenty of Gorsha and find somebody. Oh, this is going to work. No, you should go to the leftover bin. See what's in there. See something you can handle for a little while. Just marry it.
But yeah, it's like thrifting. Yeah. So now we see the producers like, how does Gaston compare to your last relationship? And then, of course, they trot out that famous clip of Shep yelling at Taylor about the broken egg during games. It's a clip that will live in infamy, and they're going to trot it out whenever they can, as they should. Yeah.
You fucking idiot! Do-do-do, do-do-do. Gorsika-gors, gorsika-gors.
And she's like, it is night and day. Look, look at this example of our love. Back to the pickleball court. My hair is falling out all over the place. Well, that is like Marilyn Monroe style. Yeah. Hey, do I have a comb over it like Trump? Yeah, it's great. I love, don't say it. Oh, sorry. We're on Bravo. Wait till season two.
So then the producer asks Shep, what do you think about Taylor's boyfriend? And he has a really specific take. He's like, gosh, he looks kind of like a villain from The Bourne Identity. I haven't seen The Bourne Identity in a long time, but do the villains walk around in gym shorts? That shit was hilarious. And Taylor's like, Gaston is sexually inclined. I'll say that.
Well, I would have to imagine. I feel like you cannot be named Gaston and not be sexually inclined. Like, I feel like he's probably like a show pony in there or something.
That's a numerology for lots of sperm, for sure. And he's like, I can see him screwing on a silencer and breaking into a room. Yeah.
But I'll tell you this. I know that her mom and dad wish she was still with me and her grandfather and grandmother and her whole family.
And she put out an Instagram response to that or something that was like, you literally emotionally abused me on national TV for years. And you really think my family wants me to be with you? Oh, my God. Did you see our farm?
So then Shep is like, well, hey, so Sienna, I can jump on a plane and head to NASA anytime. I mean, God, Sienna, I would love to come and hang out there for an extended period of time if you let me.
But I know you're busy, so I don't want to monopolize your time.
And she's like, no, it's it's fine. We just have to. plan it ahead of time. You know, I just have to send all my relatives that I'm too embarrassed to admit that I date you. I just got to send them to a different Island. And then, then you can come over. It just takes a little bit of work on my, I have to basically tell everyone, Hey, I'm going out of town. And then I'm actually not out of town.
I just hide on a different part of the Bahamas. So that way I don't have to, you know, cross cross paths with anyone while I'm holding your hands.
That's all. At the very least, I need to start telling everybody now that my uncle's old drunk friend from college has been Facebook messaging me. So they're not shocked when you show up.
So Shep is like, Sienna is very smart and driven and independent. And, you know, she's flying here and there and modeling. She got into med school and she's like a lot of things that Taylor wasn't. And she wears better sweaters, too, even though even though Taylor is younger.
No, even though she's younger. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Sorry, Sienna's younger. Yeah, this chick's younger. And so it says, we see a picture of CNN Shep, and it says 26 and 44. Ding!
Well, Shep likes that. That was the whole thing, is that Shep likes a well-traveled person, and he likes to travel with them. That was the whole thing with Taylor for several seasons.
Like, but I want to go to Paris!
So, Shep... With the child!
Yeah.
I want to go to Paris with somebody that I could be the father of. That's it! Also, who could possibly take care of me and fix ruptured spleens and such, and et cetera, et cetera. I got the best of both worlds. I got someone to pass STDs on to, and then somebody to nurse us through it.
Gorsh! And, you know, as far as having your own thing and going on and being a big baller a little bit, like, she just sort of has that. Taylor's like, yeah, Gaston and I, we're like a similar age and our relationships feel more like a partnership. And like Gaston really makes me feel like I'm good enough. And that's like different for me because now I can play pickleball and not get yelled at.
Like, wow, your bar is so low right now. Chef really did a number on you.
I'm good enough to play pickleball with. Gaston made me know that much.
Whoa, marriage bells are ringing, girl.
So Gaston beats her, which I like, because there are shades of Shep already in Gaston, first of all. Because don't you remember in the beginning, Shep was like, hey, sweet poogie dookie. He was like that, too, in the beginning. That's how Gaston is. Hey, babe, you know you want a pickle? Hey, great job, babe. You did a great job on that pickle hit.
And then it ends with him kicking her ass and being like, ha ha, beats ya. Like, well, I see shades of your past here. Yes. Enjoy. And he goes, yeah, you tried. You tried. It's time for a commercial.
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So we go over to JT's Airbnb property, the Ann's and his mom, Bunny is back. And she is just as disinterested with JT as so many other people are right now. And so Bunny and his sister, Nicole, they're walking around and he's, cause they're going to be doing some work in there or et cetera. And Bunny's like, wow, this is way bigger than I envisioned it.
Sorry, JT, not talking about you, sweetheart. Yeah. One thing no one's ever said to my son. It's way bigger, way bigger. He's like, oh, mom, mom. Remember this? This was just a bunch of dirt back here. Remember? Remember when I showed you this? You and Poppy Seed were on FaceTime and I showed you the dirt. Well, the dirt's gone, mom. Am I the best little son in the world?
And he's like, I need my Navy SEALs here, if you will, of design and creativity. My mama, Bunny, and my sister, what's-her-face. So, you know, if you look around, you'll notice this is the biggest Airbnb in all of this part of this block of downtown Charleston. So...
But he's like, well, that's a feat. Congratulations. You know, it'd be even more impressive. A Starbucks. Okay. I'm your mother and you greet me with empty arms and I'm holding a canvas on my shoulder and you can't even get me a venti anything. Thanks.
He's like, I don't identify as rich, but I do feel like I'm doing well. You know, I had like eight other Airbnbs. They're very valuable. And this one, this one has hotel zoning and that makes it very popular, which is why I bought myself a cake pop with the money my left, my mama left on my Starbucks card.
Thank you, mama.
That was my cake pop. So the sister is, they're just talking about doing this, like this painting or whatever. And they're going inside. And we see a flashback to some of Bunny's greatest hits, which is last year, her saying, oh, JT, these pillows are just fine for a fishing cabin.
And the mom and Nicole have made him a painting for his new place. And he commissioned it. He commissioned it. You commissioned, you asked your mom to paint something. Hey, sorry, Ben. I commissioned my mom to give me a ride to the airport. Gotta go. It's a bunny original. I commissioned a bowl of soup from mama. So thanks, mama. This is delicious.
I commissioned a painting of a marsh in Charleston. I was like, oh, how beautiful. Everyone loves to look at a marsh. Well, I saw an oil slick the other day and I was like, Mama, can you make that into a painting for the Airbnb or things?
Mama, remember when those ducks got stuck in the marsh after the last flood and they came out covered in oil? Could I get a painting of that?
Hey, Mama, remember when they found the dead body in the marsh and they had to close it all down? But I've just gone wading through there, so I may have gotten an infection from a cadaver.
Can't do a pain of that. So, yeah, he really loves the Charleston marsh, guys. Tourist! Tourist! That is such a tourist thing. Like, wow. What is that? It's a marsh. That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It's a lot of mud, kid. It's a lot of mud. So he's like, the cherry on top of this house is that ultimately it became this hotel. And so they make him close his eyes.
They could surprise him. And it's a marsh. It is a painting of a marsh. Marsh! That's what Shep knows he's found his soulmate. When he meets somebody that's like, oh, Marsh. Gorsh. No, Marsh. Gorsh.
So they're like, okay, JT. Okay.
Marsh Berry.
Gorsh Ross. sorry sorry jt okay close your ass close your eyes okay we're gonna reveal this painting okay all right open your eyes guess what it's not a painting it's a list of things that you owe us starting with a starbucks okay once we get the starbucks then you get the marsh
So he puts the painting on the ground. She's like, oh, it's killing me that that painting is laying on the floor. He's like, well, actually, I need some advice, y'all, because I've apparently disrespected Miss Patricia. What do you think of that? Because I gave her a cane. And they're like, oh, my God, a cane? Why the fuck would you give her a cane? He's like, because everyone got a cane.
You know, be supportive of me. And they're like, oh, you idiot. You're not even walking with your cane, right? You're walking with your cane on the floor. leg. He's not even walking with his cane on the hurt leg. Has anybody else noticed that?
Bunny is like, OK, you know what, honey? You know what, honey? I would like a cane. I would like a cane. OK, you know what? Give me that cane. Give me that cane. That's what you get.
Mama, you just hit me up the side of the head with the cane.
That's what you get for giving an older lady a cane. Shame on you, son. I tell you what I'm about to do. Raise cane.
How dare you? How dare you speak to a woman like that? He's like, well, I thought it was cute. It wasn't cute. I thought it was fun. It wasn't fun.
He's like, yeah, I guess it was a dumb move. So then Bunny's like, well, you could always write an apology letter or at least have your sister do it. She's got better penmanship.
All right.
jessica or whatever your name is just draw a picture of a marsh and send it to patricia okay everyone loves a marsh marshes fix everything i think that's a well-known fact okay so can you get can i commission a small marsh picture we can put an envelope and send to miss pat thank you so much uh she actually does give the best idea she goes you should never give her a cane honey you should only give her a martini he's like
oh good good idea mama that's all you need to do that's all you needed to do so now we go to molly's house and her dog is barking her dog zoe and she calls her mom and her mom just sends her to voicemail which is hilarious and molly's like god why don't you love me old people all right okay all right well i guess i'll just do my makeup so her mom then finally calls back and she's like oh um sorry you couldn't catch me i was cleaning out my closet of all the memories of you sorry
Did I say that part out loud? My bad.
So Molly's like, I figured you were doing something really important if you're going to ignore me. And so I just have like a cute little mom daughter relationship. And we find out a little bit about Molly. She was born in Barnwell, South Carolina, which is just the most southern thing I could ever hear of. I was born in a place called Barnwell. They do Barnes well there.
And... My evil brother was born in the town over. Barnes sick. Everyone knew he was trouble. Everyone knew. Everyone knew.
She was adopted by two attorneys. And so she moved there when she was three days old. And she loves her parents. And she feels like she hit the lottery. But the most interesting part about this, I think, is she's telling her mom that she missed some notes. So automatically you think like, okay, she's singing. No, she plays the miniature tuba. It's called the euphonium. She's a euphonium stan.
And when she was 10, I guess it was time to pick out an instrument in school. And she said she couldn't make a noise until she got to the trombone. But the trombone was too short. So she wound up with the euphonium. And now she's like, it's funny because it's too short. And now I'm gigantic.
And we see basically Molly's trajectory in this story settling, right? She tries one thing. It doesn't work. So she just moves to the next thing. And the first thing that even kind of works, even though it's not necessarily her passion, she just jumps on because it's easiest.
and i think we see her love i think we see her love trajectory playing out on this show here it is yeah thanks for being so on the nose molly and also watch out because i kind of like you and you're like settling to the degree that you have settled to in this episode is so sad i can't it's it's like a tuba song it literally is like a tuba song god molly's whole story is going to be played by a euphonium
It's going to be scored by a euphonium.
Also, I'm realizing that this is settling a debate that we had when we did our trailer crash of this.
I didn't speak to your ass for a week after that one.
For a week. Part of that was I did give you a cane. To be fair, you gave me a painting of a marsh and I was like, excuse you. No, but I seem to remember we had a discussion. That was a dead pig. But I was like, that's a tuba. And you were like, it's a French horn. I was like, it's a tuba. You're like, it's a French horn. And we sat there and actually discussed this for a while.
And little did we realize there was some other sneaky brass in there called a euphonium that snuck right in. And that's what it was all this time.
Yeah, it was a euphonium, and we actually had a listener that was like, um, that's a euphonium. And I was like, oh, God, stop making up fucking words.
Yeah. Stop just inventing instruments, okay? Euphonium.
Stop trying to make me look stupid. Made up words.
I ain't repeating that. You're not getting me again, mother. So she talks about how she likes to chill, which we know. And she doesn't like to stand up like her mother. Her mom's like, I hate standing up. She goes, what are you doing, mom? She goes, you know, we're just chilling. I'm lounging on my sectional sofa. You know me. I like to sit. She goes, yeah, me too, mom.
She goes, I wonder where you got that.
You, mama. You.
Um, so Molly's like, yeah, I chilled out a lot. And, you know, I used to be a wild child in my earlier 20s. I moved around, lived in LA, Miami, New York for modeling, you know, and we see pictures of her on top model and everything. And she goes, but now that I've gained weight, I've just not been modeling, you know.
I've got, by the way, and she, this is, you would never look at this person and be like, wow, wow. She's look at her like out of control. She's like, it just shows how cruel or how like rigid the modeling industry is that like the way she looks now, it's like, we got to put her out to pasture.
It's wild.
one also just body dysmorphia in general what it does to you is crazy because whatever she's seeing is not what we're seeing you know yeah and um you know i get it i have all of that stuff so i get it uh but it's sad to watch it in someone else like for me it's fun like for me like being self-deprecating about it and stuff like that is my hobby but seeing somebody else do it i'm like oh no stop no girl no stop
Um, because obviously she's stunning and gorgeous. And even if, even if she's not, it's like, I don't know, stop it. Just stop. Stop being mean to yourself. You've got a mother who loves you and who likes to sit. What more do you? Yes.
Molly.
And you've got a euphonium. You got it. You basically have a, you know what? You know what's nice about a euphonium? It's like, it's like having a child that doesn't like talk or be annoying. It's just can sit on your lap and you can be like, Oh, my sweet little child. I can tell it stories and I can, I can kiss it. Maybe this is not a great metaphor. This analogy lost its way.
Like the euphonium in pop culture.
The euphonium in pop. You know, look. Just, you know, stop beating yourself up. There's this ice cream place I really love. And I'm trying to remember if it's Lewin's. I think it's Lewin's, however you pronounce that one. Van Lewin's.
Van Lewin's. Van Lewin's, not to be confused with Pappy Van Winkle's.
Yeah. And they have, like, a lot of fun sayings about eating ice cream. Like, counting calories is hard. if you do it or something like that, you know, like don't count calories, count ice cream pints that are piling up in the back of your room or whatever. But it was like very pro like eat it and shut up.
And I like that, you know, I feel like it's kind of my therapy all the, you know, which is super weird because I'm getting therapy at my other therapist's office, which is ice cream. So it's like, I'm getting two therapies in one. That's great. That's nice. That works out very nicely.
I would say, you know,
It does. I'm looking for... Okay. Van Leeuwen ice cream motto. A life without anything good is bad. See?
You know, they really just... They really nailed that. Yeah.
A life without anything good is... If you have a mouth, we have a flavor. I like that one.
If you've got a euphonium, we've got a conium for you. Okay.
OK, so then Molly just Molly's back because her parents are getting older and stuff, but also she's not modeling. So she doesn't know. We've got kind of a Landon storyline here coming up is what I feel, except I like her. She's not as immediately breathing as Landon was.
Is Landon going to be working in the White House? Because she was an early adopter of RFK, the RFK campaign. I'm just imagining Landon. I'm just imagining Landon walking around D.C.
being like, finally I can start their Rome website. Rome FK, am I right?
So, Madison's house. Family's making breakfast. I have to say, we are always giving kids shit about their hair. Hudson has the best kid hair I've seen on Bravo. Best kid hair. Love it. Very strong. It's a little like... It's a little like Pebbles Flintstone mixed with Justin Bieber back in the day. Love it. I think it looks great on him.
Well, Madison's not going to allow him to have bad hair. That is her job. And she takes pride. And she's on top of everyone in that household. She's like, now listen to me. Listen to me, Hudson. I know all your friends have those stupid broccoli bangs, but guess what you're going to get? Handsome bangs, okay? Because you're not leaving this house without proper bangs. Do you hear me?
Do you hear me? Now put on this robe and make me some pancakes.
You better get your hair cut how I want to or the second you walk outside, that neighbor boy is going to bully you again like he did last time you got a stupid haircut. Wait, did I say that out loud? Damn it. Damn it.
Dang it, honey. So, and Hudson does have a very smart little robe on and they're making very good looking pancakes, like very, very good pancakes. I was like, they know what's going on. But in the middle of this, and Brett is looking hunky and his arms are, you know, popping. It's like the...
You know, after you see like the Austin in the morning, semi shirtless and Shep, by the time Brett comes along, you're just like, oh, thank God. Thank God I needed this right now.
I mean, it's so nice to see that there are just a real good man around. Like he's hot. He doesn't speak. He makes pancakes. He fights fires for fun.
You know. He, he, he like 10, like, listen, he's, he's earned so many bonus points in my book after he tended to Hudson when he did get beat up last season. Like Brett is like, can do no wrong in my book until he does do wrong. But for right now he's killing it.
So, but then he also, he like kind of coughs and it turns out that he has, he has or had, but he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer at the end of basically last season and And so it was removed, but it sounds like there's complications, maybe scarring or whatever. So for him, it feels like there's a marble in his throat. It's like, damn, I'm glad it's gone well.
Also wild that we have two thyroid cancer mentions on Bravo in one week.
Yeah, that is weird, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's like male thyroid cancer prevention month because we saw it on Potomac as well, which is super coincidental. So, you know, she's upset about that. He got it taken out. Now he has a little spot there that still hurts or something. And then they talk about how Patricia is going to host an Easter lunch and he's got to leave. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
You know, I really do hope that this man is a fireman and does not have another family because at this point it's starting to feel weird.
I'm just going to say it right now. You're like, really? I mean, honestly, how many fires are there really? In California? Are there really a lot of fires in California? I mean, really? Come on. They really need people at the office there. Um, yeah, no, uh, listen, um, I was going to say about him. I don't know, but Madison's going through it. You heard it here first. What'd you say?
Separate families. Another family. They all play proper tubas. Yes.
He's like secretly. He never speaks. You don't know like his secret plot lines. Like he's really in competition with Molly ever since America's Next Top Model. He's like, I'm going to play. I'm going to have a whole family to play as a euphonium.
Madison's like, oh, hey, Molly. Nice to work with your beta brass.
Nice to work with your little tubonium or whatever it is you're playing over there.
I like my tubas to be alpha. so my boyfriends he plays an alpha tuba while i eat my alpha corn what do you eat you're born for corn foot corns yeah the lesser version of corn um i'm sorry everybody it's friday okay this is what it's friday and i haven't eaten breakfast yet i rolled up out of bed
i rolled up out of bed and got onto this microphone yeah ben is doing this early today because i gotta go get my testosterone pellet okay so this is a very early morning this is good this no no this this podcast is the only thing standing between me and mcriddle and i'm hoping that we tease this out long enough that the mcriddles are will no longer be sold that way i've prevented from making a bad decision yeah we should we'll make it we'll make it we'll make it we'll do we'll do that
Okay, so, well, the way we're going, we will. Because we're like, wow, let's talk about euphoniums a little bit. Because we're only on the second scene. You know what?
Let's make some euphonium fanfic. You know, Molly gets so excited every time she looks at her cable guide. And she's like, oh, my God, they're finally doing a show about euphoniums. Damn it, it's euphoria again.
I thought this was going to be about teenagers doing drugs with euphoniums.
Finally, someone captures the high school euphonium players experience. Huh?
Where is Zendaya's press?
Promiscuity, drugs, and euphoniums.
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So, basically, we go to Patricia and Madison talking about this party that Patricia's going to have. And, you know, she's talking about how upset she is about the counselor, obviously, you know, and just really worried about Brett. So, then they eat their pancakes.
And then we go to CHS, which is an indoor golf experience. Yes.
Yeah, it stands for come have stupid time. Leave off the less tea for savings. So it's indoor golf. It's that thing where you hit golf balls at a screen. Too early for me to make an acronym. I apologize.
So it's indoor golf. Children.
Having slime. They love that slime.
Coin-hating celebrity gibbons.
Cockatoos. Having silence.
It's Christians holding space. Oh, that's good. I like that one. CHS, Christians holding space.
We're holding space for the lyrics of Holy Night.
Okay.
I'm the queer media, so I can say that.
It's Christians having sundown.
So then we go to JT. So it's the boys golfing. It's the boys in indoor golf. JT's there. He's like, I'll just need to check in with some friends. They all clearly hate this guy. It's Shep and Craig who meet him. They hate his guts. And you can see why. He just comes in. He's like sitting crisscrossed applesauce on top of the counters.
mean he's just yeah it's very like sitcom neighbor kid next door that the kid the teenage kid that comes over next door and sits sits in the cool way and it's like so what's going on and tosses an apple and eats a bite out of it yeah 100 you're like that was my apple so um so they're playing the valhalla chorus guys which is funny because that's where vikings go to when they die
Thank you.
Watch a lot of Netflix shows about Vikings, guys. Yeah.
I am Uhtred, son of Uhtred, daddy of Uhtred, grandpappy of Uhtred, Uhtred, Vantutred III, baby of Uhtred. I am Uhtred.
Love you, Uhtred. So, euphonium. Uhtredphonium. He's like, I play the euphonium. I bring the euphonium to Norway. So they're going to play golf. JT is actually a very good golfer. He apparently has beaten Shep quite handily. And so he tries to take a swing, but he can't because his legs messed up. And he's like, whoops.
So then Craig is telling us, last year JT yelled at Austin all the time, but now that he has handed his olive cane branch to Austin, we can be civil and not tear each other's lives apart.
I'm so sorry, but I said Uhtred, and then so I started looking up pictures of Uhtred shirtless. So if you guys don't know who Uhtred is from that show, The Last Kingdom. Oh, my God. I think that's what it's called. This is him.
The Last Kingdom. Yeah. I am Uhtred.
Yeah, Uhtred. Fucking hottie pants. Love you, Uhtred. Okay, so where are we golfing? Okay.
So yeah. So taking swings and, you know, JT trips and everything. And he's like, no, I'm not going to do this anymore. Okay. So Shep's like.
Oh, you get kicked off of most courses for dressing like that, JT. And he's like, oh, you trying to get into my head right now? You trying? And, okay. He's like, I'm done now. You guys play. You guys have to play. I haven't missed a ball in a while. And, well, I'll tell you this much. With two legs, I beat them 18 straight holes.
And then JT's like, so, by the way, what's the feedback in the men's locker room? Did my olive branch at least move the needle with Austin? Or is it going to require some more?
Who says that? He's so cringy. Everything he says is cringy. Guys, what's the feedback in the locker room?
Yeah. Well, also just take Austin out to get, get some drinks and like squash it there. You made the first gesture. Say, Hey, let's, hi, come on. Hi. You thought about maybe like mom would go down to the local watering hole, like literally the marsh. I love a marsh. You want. My mama made a real pretty painting of it. You want to look at a painting of a Marsha Austin?
He is not really trying to make up with Austin. Obviously, he's here to do what a very ham-handed housewife does when she doesn't know what to do, which is she's like, let's come in and improvise storylines. Just come in, just throw a bunch of shit at the wall, see if anybody grabs onto anything. He's just making up a bunch of shit. So that's what he starts doing. He's like, OK, well, OK.
So, you know, I gave Miss Patricia Kane. I didn't realize it at the time, but she took offense to that cane. And they're like, yeah. And he goes, but one thing I wanted to talk to you about was Madison. So she invites me to her event and I'm thinking it's going to be a friendly event. But then she doesn't speak to me at the event she invites me to. Is that weird?
Is that weird to anybody else that she's not speaking to me?
No, she probably just doesn't want to talk to you. She thinks you're annoying.
She had to invite you to an event because it's on television and you're both on a television show, but nobody actually likes you on this show. So you're going to be getting that a lot this season.
Yeah, you're an outsider, and you tried to... They sort of gave you an opening to come into their world, but you went too hard and too hot after one of the people, which would have been fine, but you acted like a fool at the reunion, and this world will close its doors on you, and that's what happened. So JT's like... And then I remembered something.
I remember that Madison FaceTime me when she was in the Dominican Republic. And I'm like, why is Madison FaceTime in me? And do you remember in Jamaica when she put on my blue stripes and we see the trip last year, she put on JT's shirts and like made fun of him and everything. And so he's like, well, I think it made Brett get a little weird when that all went down.
So it didn't work for him to suggest that Madison just hates him.
um so now he's suggesting that madison really wants to have sex or that brett thinks that that brett isn't sure that he's madison is secretly in love with jt jeff is like is this a theory that you've developed gosh that's crazy craig's like i don't think he's that worried about you but then why would you sorry would you say what was the end of that man He fights fires.
I don't think you're really something.
Okay. Well, but then why FaceTime me with your wife to ask me if we hooked up in Jamaica?
Wait, did he actually use the words? Did you hook up in Jamaica?
Well, he was like, you left the beach and you went where? And I'm like, this is weird.
I don't think that has anything to do with hooking up. I think it's. I don't know. I don't know what it is, but I don't think he has a very strong case here. So Craig's like, I'm a sucker for a good conspiracy theory. And I don't even like to use the word conspiracy theory because I think it's derogatory to all of us who have to walk backwards because we took a vaccine.
But man, JT, he really tops me.
And that's hot, actually. So then JT's like, well, you know, I think it's weird that Brett's potentially weird about me. No one's weird about you. But I received a FaceTime call. Hey, JT, I'm here with Braves Madison.
Hi, JT, I'm here with Brett. Well, he wants to know what happened in Jamaica.
And I said, well, Taylor was upset. So we went to your hotel room and we ordered some room service and we all went to bed.
And she said, thank you. Have a good rest of the day.
And then that was it. And oh, oh, so that's not working for anybody. All right. Let me let me look into my storyline bag here. OK, got some more. The other strange thing is why is she matching polka dots with Austin?
This is even more of a stretch. And Shep's like, gosh, the way that the gears turn in JT's head. I'm not sure I want to know about how that goes on. And he's like, at the Carolina Cup, I'm looking at Austin and I'm looking at Madison and I'm seeing matching polka dots. And my mind is going, I don't know what's going on. I'm like, JT, just say it. You're connecting the dots. Come on.
It's right there. Say it. Yeah.
So, yeah, they both wear the same polka dots when we see a clip of it. And JT's like, well, Madison never misses a beat. She matches her ex-boyfriend to the color of the polka dot.
And he's like, oh, my God, you sound absolutely nuts right now. Before we land in on your head, JT. But I get it because I've connected the pyramids, the aliens, the panda bears. But this is way crazier than anything I ever said.
Craig, you just said connected. Why can't you say connect the dots? Come on. Someone make the pun. One person's saying connecting. One person's saying dots. Come on. Connect your own fucking dots.
On another note, let me look into my bag here. Story line bag, story line bag. Well, the Austin thing.
Do you know how hard it was for me to bring an olive branch? Because he's still doing the same shit. Levis said that he had a relationship with another girl for a few months. Oh, my God. None of this has to do with you. Like, literally none of this has to do with you. What is wrong with you?
Yeah. And Craig's like, that's not true. Yeah, that's not true. He's like, well, I'm just saying what Leva was gossiping about. I just want to get Ronnie Karam really mad by talking about Leva in the middle of the show out of nowhere.
Well, Leva's pretty good, though. She's got it. She's had to do zero this season and she's already gotten herself in 100% of the episodes. That's pretty good.
so uh craig's like i don't care about leva because austin and audrey are great and jt is like no look i love you guys but you don't hold them accountable and jt do you want to be friends with us because that means you gotta stop picking fights with austin and making up lies
But I'm not. I'm not.
I won't be your friend. You're so pathetic and sad to watch. It's hard to watch it. So they're like, just listen. Just calm down. And Leva's lying. Okay. And he goes, then you guys need to address it with Leva and say, stop it.
And he's like, no, I don't. Well, she ran her mouth on the whole bus. He's like, so are you going to take my word or are you going to take Leva's word? She's like, well, I'm just saying that what Rodrigo and her talked about. Get mad at Leva. Someone get mad at someone around here.
well this show is seeing what's happening here and i have to hand it to production because they nipped this in the bud right away jd is it jt jt comes on with a bunch of he's spinning shep is sober for a day and craig is not playing with this so they're screwed they have nobody to get messy with
They know Rodrigo is not that favored right now in the audience because last year he called an audience member a C word or whatever. And he's got some issues. And then Levin never shows up to work. So what are they going to do? They called the messiest gay they could. And they say, get your ass down here. We need you. They hired a new gay. Congratulations. Thank you.
That's all you guys needed to fucking do. By the way, spoiler alert, we haven't really seen him yet. We saw him a little last week, but we're going to meet him today. We meet him later. He's very soft-spoken and very nervous. Oh, give him time. He looks a mess. And isn't he a main cast member? I think I see him on all the posters, right?
I think he is. Yeah. It's funny. Cause he's been in the, he's been in the background for ages. So now he's actually, yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Listen, I, those bangs, he has like a, sort of like a block of a block of hair. I've always noticed it. Um, so JT is like, um, he's like, well, I'm just saying, well, love is out on the bus. And Shep's like, so I'm worth fucking telling you, knock it off.
I just told you, if you bring it up again, you won't see me again. And, uh, they're basically, he's just like going and they're like, we look, this is like, stop at JT. This isn't going to work where we've decided that we're going to circle our wagons around the very sad campfire. That is Austin. So stop it. And Craig's like, I'm going to get out of here.
I can't hang with people who are against my friend Austin. Shep, I love you, buddy, but this isn't healthy for me.
I am leaving. So he gets his shit and walks out. And Shep's like, Craig, come on. Don't make me film with the extra. And JT's like, what? What do I do? And so Shep's just like, listen, words matter. Words matter. Love your cans.
So then we go out to Austin calling his mom from the car and he's like, she's like, hey, Austin, got a job, got a life, got a career, got anything going on. And yet what do I have to pay for?
Hey, Austin, I didn't know if it was you or another fraud alert, but I guess same difference. What's going on, honey?
He's like, oh, well, you know, I was just in Charlotte doing some trop hop stuff. Oh, that's fun. Still playing house with that beer that went out of business two years ago. Okay. What else is going on?
Oh, you don't have to remind me. Trop hop still that I get an Amex bill every month, honey.
so he's like oh uh wow mom i'm like dating this girl but we're like it's been like four months it's like amazing it's like amazing mom wow wow amazing that another guy has found love with somebody probably 20 years junior well he's not he's not as old as shep how old is this one um what the girl um i'm gonna say between 22 and 22 and a half
and i'm gonna give it a really wide range between 22 and 20 and a half okay let's look at that austin kroll girlfriend her name and he says oh go ahead sorry but he while you look that up he's like it's so strange mom it's like when i leave charlotte i miss her like wow
wow, Austin experiencing the, the, the basic, basic levels of being in step one relationship. Congratulations. So he's had into Craig's right now. Did you find her age by the way?
I remember this, actually, now that I'm going. You know I really am just so predictable. I'm sorry, everybody. But, of course, I already went off on this, I guess, on our preview recap, which is on Patreon if anybody wants to listen to it. We talked for an hour in the trailer trash about this show. So I'd already looked her up before. And I think she's 26? Yeah.
OK, so he looks really young, but I mean, he's not that old. I mean, I don't even know how old he is. I just see these boys, you know, these fucking boys. OK, so here we go. Austin is what are we talking about? I'm sorry I can't pay attention today. I just want to Google every every person we talk about. I'm like, but I want to see their picture now. And, you know, what's a Uhtred been up to?
um so austin is he's talking about um you know like you know he's growing up so he's like he's like i could take pointers from craig like he's doing so well and we see like we see craig in slow motion like posing with pillows at like a photo shoot and then he's like but on the other end i'm like he's so far up his own ass it's like he almost likes the way it smells it's insane right now
So then we go to Craig's house and he's like, well, I want to grill sausages, hot dogs. And then he just pulls out a huge Ziploc freezer bag out of the freezer and it's full of hot dogs. And he just pours it all over the grill. There's like a hundred sausages there.
Yeah. And they're frozen too. He's like, he's like, well, here we go. Putting the frozen just right from the freezer to the grill. I was like, okay, enjoy that. So Austin comes over, they say hi and everything. He's like, you know, you have a hundred feet of cable on your front porch. Did you know that? yeah, I left it there for chicken. She said, why did you leave this here for me?
And I said, I don't know. Do you want it? And then she said, no. And I was like, well, I left it there for you. And she's like, I don't want it, Craig. Why do I want the cable? And I was like, I don't know. Do you want, Craig, this is a stupid story. Come on.
But the real answer is so Craig too. I got a vacuum for my putting green.
Does he know about, does he know, does he know about cordless?
So he's like, I'm glad you're here to be in the hot tub with me. Hopefully that'll get me out of my head cold.
You invited me over to soak with you in head cold juice? Fuck, man. Who does that?
I hate when people do that. Did that trigger you? Because you're a very germ not loving. I don't. So like my whole thing is this. I'm not like such a germaphobe where I'm like, you know, like I like I'm not like Howie Mandel or anything like that. But it's more like, you know, I've never liked being around germs. Then after the pandemic and everything, I'm more just like I'm just more aware of.
I think with a pandemic, I'm aware of the steps you can reasonably take if you're under the weather to help other to prevent other people from getting sick. Like I now have an awareness that like if you're under the weather, put a mask on. So that way you don't transmit as many germs. Okay.
And so like when people don't do that, when people willingly put me in harm's way, that's when I get frustrated. So it's less about the germs. It's more about like the lack of consideration. So if I get invited over and then you're sitting there like coughing and you've got snot coming out of your nose and like, oh, by the way, I have this cold, but like no big deal.
I'm like, it's like not contagious. You know what? People always do that. They just like declare themselves not contagious. I'm kind of like, fuck you. Like you could have either told me or put a mask on.
yeah so he's um like come on let's soak in my juices yeah it's gonna be great so he's like so dude me and chef went to hang with jt and he was like like do you think i apologize to austin i was like you know it was the right thing to do but then he was like i think it just reflects poorly on me and we were like what which he didn't say and here comes back craig you know craig can improve his life and he can sober up a little bit but we can never forget that craig is a compulsive liar he doesn't have to lie
He's not lying about anything important. It's just like fun for him. Or do you think he actually remembers things this differently? Because it seems like he's just lying for fun at this point, right?
Yeah, like he is fully fabricating things. And Austin's like, seriously? For him to say I treat her horribly? Like, we're so great. We're so happy. Blows my mind what a fucking asshole he is. I'm like, yeah, but you are too.
um so now jt is like um setting up stuff in his his um in his apartment he's moving into a new place and vanita comes over and she's like hi how are you because she's lost her voice so apparently everyone's sick here is it this whole cast are they all making out what is going on it's so weird they're saying it's pollen or whatever i'm like no you guys are all y'all got a cold who
You all did a batch in the same bag.
You all gave each other a cold. Yeah. Something happened. Basically, they have a very, you know, kind of boring conversation. And she's like, I don't like that you moved because now we can't go have coffee. And he's like, well, you can still have coffee, pretty lady. And then we start talking about... his thing with, well, he's looking out, they go on.
Yeah. Cause they look at the balcony, they look at all the steeples and there's like this moment of like, it's the city of church or whatever. So, so Vinita is like, I have to be honest. I'm a little, Oh yeah, we can't get coffee, et cetera. So then Vinita is saying like, you know, it sounds like you were trying to start anew and like, let me try to be friends. This is what I would do.
And people, you know, with people I want to be friends with, you ask for help.
And he's like, well, you know, I had a conversation. It was heavy because they got in my face. They got my face, man, which they did not get in your face. Guys, they're all just liars.
When I mentioned Austin's gray area girlfriend thing that Levin mentioned on the bus, they're both coming in so hot, you know, like like I'm I'm talking foaming at the mouth, you know, and I was like, OK, OK, hands up, hands up, hands up. And she's like, yeah, you know, it sounds like you were doing the right thing to me, which obviously it wasn't. And then back to Craig.
Craig's like, hey, dude, I'm not doing this shit with you.
And I was like, Austin's one of my best friends. We've never heard Austin. I will die for Austin. I laid down on the road and I was like, here, hit me, run over. Truck, someone run me over. I will do this for Austin Kroll.
It's just funny. That's the other thing with these guys. You can't get in the middle of their mess because one season, Craig will be saying, Austin's like a piece of shit. I don't want to talk about... I don't want to hang out with Austin anymore. He always treats everyone like shit and he needs to be accountable. Then someone comes in and is like, yeah, he does need to be accountable.
Let's go after him. And then all of a sudden,
austin's like the best like don't make fun of austin he's like my best friend you can't come between us and also ultimately they're bros right so bros before you know i don't want to say hoes because jt's not a hoe but whatever he would be what is it
Bros before marshes. Actually, I'm not sure why I do marshes than bros.
They're ultimately bros and they're the leads of the show. So they're like, listen, we're the lead. Like when Austin came on the show, look how resistant Shep was to Austin. He tried. He was so mad about Austin being on the show. Literally probably still is. It was so hard for him to finally accept Austin. And now they did. And now it's just the three of them.
They're not going to just let anybody in here, especially someone like that.
so i think ultimately even if they hate each other they're going to stand up for each other in front of him you know it's kind of like the ladies on salt lake city they're kind of doing that right now they'll bet they're like i hate you but i'll band together with you against ronwin right now because she's coming for one of us you know so yeah it's birds of a feather you you don't have the right feathers get out of here bird
The difference is that Bronwyn can hold her own much better than JT can.
Much better, yes.
Although he thinks he can, but he can't.
I'm not comparing Bronwyn to JT. I'm comparing everyone on the show, how they're reacting to newbies.
So back to JT's apartment, and he's like, by the way, Veneto, remember when Madison threw on my pinstriped outfit in Jamaica? It was kind of like an iconic thing, broke the internet, you know?
She's like, oh, yeah, that was funny.
Yeah, yeah. So I have a theory about that. It holds a lot of water. So it was posted on social media, and her husband saw it. So I thought nothing of it. And it was kind of funny, you know? But I get a FaceTime call, and questions were happening like, hey, what happened in Jamaica with the two of you? I'm like, what?
this story also keeps on changing it's like it's was it accusatory was it a light funny question like what's like everyone here is just lying on this show i mean yeah so then we go back to craig and austin and craig's like yeah he said brett called him and thinks madison and him in jamaica which is not technically what he said And I was like, no one thinks that you banged Madison.
And he's like, well, Brett does. And I was like, did he accuse you of banging Madison?
And he goes, no, but he said it in so many ways.
And Austin's like, Madison, she's going to like free. She's going to like free. That's bad shit. Bro.
Yeah, and then he was like, clock this. Madison wore polka dots to the race, and guess who else wore polka dots? And Austin's like, whoa, that's insane. So we see a flashback of that. And then Craig is like, at this point, it's like, dude, what are you talking about? What are you talking about? Austin's like, JT, he couldn't hold up an I'm changed man facade for long.
I thought he was going to fake it for a few more weeks before he went off the fuck.
deep at war i thought i was in the twilight zone dude i don't have any more time for that show let me show you right now and so he's like you know coordinating polka dot outfits like i gotta give him creativity points that's at least good you know so then we go ready ding ding ding patricia's house
yeah poor randy either way i just feel so bad for randy don't you he looks like a prisoner he looks terrified he looks like martin sheen just confused on a cul-de-sac is the best way i could like i thought this was a street when did the street become a cul-de-sac poor randy it's a tough journey for him so whitney is like oh mother i think tonight the chateau neuf oh we'll do this yes mother uh also um i think uh people are gonna want bellinis but we've got champagne here oh
So Patricia comes down. It's the Easter party. And she's setting up, of course, the table, which has all sorts of chocolates and bunnies and kind of like gaudy pink Easter things on it. And it's for the first dinner party of the season.
And she's got a bunny rabbit on the table that's left little black jelly beans behind it. Yeah. Turd Palace Mother. It's been a tradition since we started, Whitney. I do like a big extravaganza for Easter. I order candy from 10 different places. See's Candy, Maison du Chocolat, and all over the place. And jelly beans from the Teeter, our grocery store.
I wonder how long this segment was of Patricia just naming off candy stores.
I get M&M's. I got Cadbury. I got Mars bars. I got 100,000 grams. It goes on and on. Because I was really expecting... I was expecting like...
I don't know, like really fancy ones, but I mean, I don't know any really fancy ones. But I thought just to hear her be like, yeah, 10 different candy stores. C's. I was like, C's? What the hell? Mars and Mars.
What are you talking about? Duty-free shop at the Charlotte International Airport.
Found a couple under the couch from last year. Those count, don't they?
We did our equivalent of donning and ditching at the local restaurant, except our version is we go in, we grab a handful of Andy's mints from the bowl, we run out of there.
Now, this one's not a store, but they do somehow taste better when you have Randy stand outside a middle school around Halloween and then beat kids over a head with a floss water until they give me a candy. That's delicious candy.
Well, we went to CVS in March and got some leftover Hanukkah candy that no one was buying. So if you see some gold coins around, that's what that's about.
So they're getting the table set and Whitney's reading the names that she's put out. And he's like, Austin, Craig, Ryan, Molly. Oh, Molly. How coincidental, mother. Well, I mean, Whitney never tells me anything, so let's get that right off the bat. But people have told me they've hooked up five or six years ago. So I know he likes her and they remain friends.
So let's just hope for some egg fertilization somehow.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, I know it is a holiday about Easter eggs. So, so then, so Patricia is like, all right, let's have a cocktail. And Patricia's like, by the way, as per your instructions, I have decluttered. Thank you, Randy. I've shoved all of my clutter and tchotchkes and junk into Randy's bedroom. So he is going to have to climb over.
piles of newspapers from 1987 uh in order to come serve me unfortunately i've kept the largest piece of junk in the house randy yes ma'am put these clamps on your nipples no ma'am please not the car battery again do it happy easter junk
I mean, mother, I'm going to upgrade your audio system. I mean, look at that. It's something out of the dark ages. And we see like a 1995, like Hemerker Schlemmer, Bose, you know, audio thing on top of a stack of CDs. And Patricia's like, well, I am out of the dark ages and I like it. Listen, you're going to have to throw me out of here before you get rid of my DMX CDs.
Whitney, take a long, good look at that old broken down stereo. This is exactly what you look like to the girls you date. Think about that. So Craig comes over and he's like, hey, Miss Pat, you sound a little congested. Are you sick? The pollen is just pollen. Nobody cares, huh? They're just like, bring me all your illnesses. Come on, sit on my lap.
Yeah, everyone was just like, snot coming down their nose, hacking up their lawn. Like, this is Bond. This is Bond. It's like, you are green. This is Bond. This is allergies.
So they make small talk, and then hopefully the season's new gay bone carrier walks in. His name is Ryan. He's like, hey, Patricia, Whitney, how are you? How's it going, Craig? Patricia, love your dress, so pretty. I brought you some French chocolate. It's like, okay, that's a good start. Now sit down and spread something.
I hate French chocolates. So I was like, oh, okay. Um, she goes, so then she says, she tells us sarcastic, right?
Like I hate chocolates, especially French chocolates.
Oh, okay. That makes much more sense. I was like, Trisha. So, Patricia's been friends with Ryan's partner, Eddie, since 2008. And he's always been in the background on the show. And then Eddie and Ryan got married. And then Patricia became really close with Ryan as a result.
Yes. And so they start tasting some liquor. And then Craig starts talking to Shep. Shep comes in. You know, it's like small talk because everybody comes in. And Shep's like, wow, very Easter of you, Whitney. You look like you're about to go on safari. Because everyone else is in pastels and Whitney's in like a dark, you know, a black duster and a fucking.
and like an animal print like a it's like a black animal print shirt and it's just like not it's not very easterly it's a duster i saw some animal print and i made him lisa renault all of a sudden because he's also got that mother mother hey ship okay i can give it back oh did you get those glasses at the gas station he's like gosh yes i did but they're easter look they're pastel
So Molly shows up and everything. And people are drinking, saying hello. All the usual sort of small talk because they mill about and everything. And Molly tells us, Patricia makes me nervous. I'm just like, is she going to think I'm weird or not classy enough? Probably. Then I remember who her son is. And they show a clip of Whitney in his re-knob days. Now that's a duet I would love to see.
Whitney on guitar and Molly on euphonium. Yes, Reunab reinvented.
Reunab-phonia. She would play well in Brooklyn.
so Austin brings a bottle of wine he's like sorry it's not the best bottle of wine it's Patricia and Ryan's like well you'd probably enjoy it more than you would as a cane than a cane as a gift wouldn't you Patricia she's like oh a cane why would you give an 80 year old woman a cane and Molly's like oh god I thought he thought it would be funny well it wasn't funny it wasn't they're all cracking up Madison's like that's the sort of joke a beta would make
So then Craig's like, well, I don't know if Whitney is going to talk to JT after he finds out what he said about his mom. And everyone's like, what? He goes, he called you a bitch. This is just like now this is just a bold faced lie. Like this is. Like, this is a bald-ass face.
It's a bald face, right? Why do people say bold face? Isn't it bald face?
Is it bald? It probably is bald. I think it's bald.
I've heard it both, but I thought it was bald.
No, I think it's bald. But I'm saying it with bold face. I'm saying it like my words were bold.
This is a Havetica face lie.
Command B. No, that's wrong.
It's Helvetica. You see? Helvetica. I don't know how to pronounce fonts. I don't know. It's Friday. It's hard. This is a Comic Sans face lie. Yeah, this is just some bullshit. This is typical Craig. And when he's like, wait, wait, hold on. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? And I was like, oh, my God, Whitney's going to kill him. So the fact that he can impugn mother... All bets are off.
He can go fuck himself and puning and puning my mother. And Madison's like, what needy? He's crazy.
And like, you know, Shep is like, gosh, I don't remember him saying that.
I did not hear JT called Patricia a bitch for the record.
And the producer asks, because I honestly, here's what I thought was going to happen. Craig says this, we go to commercial and we come back. Craig's like, no, just kidding. Just kidding. But it was not, he was just fully lying. And so, um, and Craig backs it up. Like he's not backs up, but he'd like, he doubles down to the producer.
And so then they, they show the footage and they, they basically like no audio found, which is that Craig fully lies. And it's probably going to start a season of shit, uh, because of it. And this is how JT wins because, um, well, I'm not sure if he's going to win. This is like,
he does leave but like this is it's like jt is being a douche and stupid but like craig is actually just making up a blatant lie and attacking us like that's that's so this is where jt's gonna find his way back in you know i think craig's just like i don't like him so he's gotta go if they're not gonna fire him then we'll kick him off the show i'll find a way to get him kicked off the show it's yeah it's brutal and i kind of like it because craig's always pretending to be this like i'm just such a nice guy now um
uh when at the end of the day he's still craig but he's craig with a twist now because he's like twisted craig because craig was never really mean he was just a liar you know but this is mean this is just like all right let's just ruin jt um but jt's like someone that no one really likes including me so I don't know. I don't know where I stand on it, but this is messy, Craig. Mess, mess, mess.
You know what it is? It's more like, you know how you always say, JT can now play the victim card. And he was sort of trying to do the victim card, and actually Craig just gave it to him. I don't know if he'll do it successfully, but this would be what... I would say this. in, you know, all, you know, all episode long, I'm like rolling my eyes at JT, like, Oh God, this guy's really lost his way.
But then Craig does this. And I feel, I feel bad for JT because he gets made to look like he said something totally mean, and he's going to incur Patricia's wrath. And it's like, actually kind of not fair because Craig is Craig totally lied about it. So.
Yeah. Yeah, I see what you mean. It's going to be interesting to see what happens with this because this was pretty crazy. This was pretty low. And now, of course, the whole cast can see that he's lying. So it's going to be interesting to see how they react because they're all going to lose it on JT. So are they going to apologize?
Or is this going to be something where production ultimately shows us that he did smother it under his breath or something and Craig heard it? Because, you know, production is sneaky. So they could slip that in in like the reunion even or something and be like, we got all of you.
I think what's going to happen is they're going to laugh at Craig. Like, Craig, you're a fucker. You made us all believe that. And they're like, well, we know that JT now, he didn't call Patricia a bitch, but he still was extremely disrespectful. So we still stand behind that.
Yeah, well, all he really had to do was what he does next, which is continue.
Well, that was only the tip of the iceberg. He basically just was talking a whole bunch of shit about Madison, Brett, and Austin. And Madison's like, hey, back it up there.
Back it up, bitch. You better back it up. You better clip it.
You better clip, clip, clip. And Craig's like, well, basically he thinks that Brett thinks that you and JT are having an affair and slept together in Jamaica. And he was dead serious. And we were like, nobody thinks that.
They're like, oh, God, what? Yeah. And Molly's like, that's a joke. And so Madison goes, you can't talk about me all day long, but you start talking.
talk about my you you can talk about me all day long you can talk about corn actually you cannot talk about corn you can only talk about me because the moment you start talking about my marriage or corn or my husband you are done yeah and so uh yeah well he was like brett thinks that we had sex in jamaica because she was wearing my clothes and i was like oh god chef help me out here and she was
like well i was like i'm a pretty intuitive guy who knows a lot about ken burns and i don't even know what you're talking about and then he started sliding off the screen very slowly and was replaced in another with another gorgeous black and white sepia toned picture you know it's so funny by the way i can't believe i didn't even connect this connect this dot
Was that this morning that I was reading the New York Times was like, things that stuck with our pop culture reporters. And by the way, no mention of Bravo. Once again, I'm back and I'm angry again. But one thing was, there's a new Ken Burns documentary out called Leonardo da Vinci. Gorsh! Gorsh! Oh, God. I've been in this Vietnam warm-up for so long. Finally, I can move on to da Vinci.
I'm so glad Sienna knows about da Vinci. She's traveled!
I'm a boy. I'm just a little boy.
I'm just a boy who loves art.
Oh, God.
So Madison's like, well, he's going to be the little bitch when I'm done with him. How about that?
Which, by the way, is just what she says at any given moment. I just want everyone to know, like, if you thought that she was just coming on hot for JT, she says that at Starbucks, too. Like, ma'am, would you like any sweetener with that? I'll tell you what I would like with that. No more betas, because he'll be the little bitch when I'm done with him.
Ma'am, can we get your name for this coffee cup? I'm gonna kill you, bitch. Okay, well, got it.
We got a coffee for I'm gonna kill you, bitch. You better watch your motherfucking mouth or I'm gonna take you out.
Can I get an old-fashioned, please?
Let's all say a prayer for JT because I'm gonna fuck him up. Which, no, that's an actual line here.
Well, I told him Madison's gonna kill you and Patricia goes, let's tag team him. Which is also another thing that no one has ever said about JT.
I was about to say, mother, I don't think that means what you think it means.
Get the kinds. Get the kinds.
Told you so. Told you so, guys. Do I feel that this is a beautiful sense of vindication?
You're damn right I do. You're damn right I do. And then we can't see the rest of the scene because the spit covers the camera.
yeah we have to wait five minutes for randy to wipe it off the cameras randy hurry up with the rags the cameras can't shoot us honey don't don't spit on the camera spit on randy So, um, so now, um, then they're going to start going, now it's time for dinner. So they're going to sit down together. This is where Madison's like, can I get an old fashioned cause I want to, I want to fuck JT yet.
So they all sit down and everyone's like, wow, it's so pretty. It's lovely and everything. Oh, wow. Yeah. Patricia's like, yeah, well we're having Easter fair ham and some crispy macaroni and cheese and green beans, which go really well with a ham. Um,
Can I get an old-fashioned, please? All right, let's all join hands and say a prayer for JT, because I'm going to fuck him up.
So Shep is like, okay, well, I'd like to talk about why we are here. Because they say, Shep, will you do a toast? He goes, I'd like to talk about why we are here. And that is Easter and Jesus. And Jesus was a guy who was trying to do nice things, but he was crucified. What? Like me, by Taylor. And it's bullshit. And let that be a lesson to some of us. You are punished for your kindness.
Like Leonardo da Vinci was, after he drew that guy with all the arms in the circle. So anyway, that's a bad message. But Bon is a pilot. He's a pilot. And he can fly us to the Bahamas. So that's cool. Don't be mean to Jesus.
The end. Thank you, chat. That was very eloquent. And he had also brought up Pontius Pilate betraying Jesus. So Ryan was like, oh, the fact that you know who Pontius Pilate is is impressive though.
He's like, it's a miracle.
I heard that Pontius Pilate actually had like really good legs. I mean, he has the origin of Pilates, right?
Unfortunately, he had a really big stomach. That's where the term Ponch came from. Craig, stop. It's true.
Pontius Pilate called you a bitch. He called you a bitch in the Bible.
Pontius Pilate said, Patricia's a bitch.
Someone's serving too much Pappy Van Winkle. So now they're eating, and Shep's like, I can't eat all this. I lost 15 pounds. And Molly's like, well, I lost 15 pounds, but I got 20 to go. Because I gained 45 like a year and a half ago. Because I have hormone problems, so I fluctuate every couple years. But then I'm also on medicine, and it causes binge eating.
And he's like, oh my god, it's like the opposite of Ozempic. And she's like, literally. Literally.
We're having dessert. No one listened to Molly.
So they all get served a- Can we not talk about eating disorders at the table? We're about to have dessert. Molly, suck it up. Give Molly four, please.
So they get cupcakes and Austin's like, hey, Patricia, have you ever seen this thing where you take off the top and you make a sandwich out of the cupcake? It's insane. Look at this right now. Which, you know, Patricia's like, poor person. Everyone knows we eat a cupcake with a fork and a knife in the first place. They've got all the problems that way.
So then Molly's like, oh, I was about to do that. And he's like, sorry, Tucker, you snooze, you lose. She's like, no, I was going to do it, so I'm going to do it anyway. And she says, yeah, you do that so you don't get icing on your nose. And Whitney goes, it's like a sandwich. You don't like a cupcake sandwich? You know what, Molly, that's the last thing that you need. And everyone's like, whoa.
And her jaw drops. And Patricia's face has literally never moved this much on the show. She's like, Whitney. Yeah.
Whitney, you were supposed to tell her that the cupcakes are not for eating. They're for throwing at Randy. Now you've insulted her instead.
Yeah, this is really gross. And Molly's like, so he's calling me fat. And he goes, I'm not calling you fat. She goes, no. And Madison's like, no, the fuck you did not, Whitney.
Yeah. And he's like, I've known her for like 10 years. I can say these things. And I was like, can you though? I don't think so. And she's like, what the hell, Whitney? You know, I had, I don't have the best relationship with food. So it's like, don't be a fucking dick. I'm like, he's going to be a dick. If Whitney has a choice, he's going to be a dick.
And his thing is, well, I've known her for 10 years, I can say that. She needed to smash that cupcake in his fucking stupid face. Also, Chucky, you look like you've just got your makeup done at the morgue. So I don't know who you're making fun of over here with your Chucky hair, but you need to shut the fuck up, sir. She should have shoved that cupcake right in his goddamn face.
Patricia would have just laughed.
Yeah. He's like, well, I mean, you're eating it like a like a fucking Big Mac. Well, it's not like sorry. I hate to break it to you. It's not like a cupcake in its natural state is like representative of like hood cuisine. It's like, oh, my God, I can't believe you ate a cupcake like a Big Mac. It's kind of a lateral move. It's a cupcake. They're brought in for children's birthdays.
OK, so they're sold in vending machines around L.A. and probably other places.
Yeah, it's pretty wax. And it's amazing that Whitney's a producer, so he can kind of protect himself on this show. And this still makes it in. Imagine the shit that is cut, you know? Like, yeesh, yikes. So she's like, I'm going to beat him up. Is that okay, Patricia? She's like, mm-hmm. So Patricia's like, I'm giving up. As far as grandkids are concerned, I think I'm just going to get a kitten.
Yeah. And that's pretty much where it ends. They put up a title card saying in loving memory of Michael Calicorse, who of course, uh, you may have.
Yeah. Michael.
So RIP Michael. Um, and, uh, that's the end of the episode. So, um, thanks everyone for listening. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Uh, make sure to buy some crap and tickets for Christmas gifts for all your loved ones. Bring the whole family. The whole extended first cousin, third cousin, grandma, grandpa, anyone, Randy, we'll see you on the road at the very least. We'll see you next week.
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