Caller Two (Unnamed)
Appearances
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
Good. My name is Ashley. I'm 32 and I am struggling with how to handle issues with my long distance relationship. Very long distance.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
Well, I live in America and they live in Europe. Don't need to be specific.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
Yes. So there have been a few smaller things, but it's come to a little bit of a head, I think, with our priorities, maybe in terms of not really where the relationship is going, but just the relationship in general. So he really likes to kind of do everything, like always not and not in terms of partying, but always has trips plans, always has things to do. He does travel a lot with work.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
And the only reason it's come to a head is because with the distance, it's really hard to not see each other once you have a big fight. Like you don't have that reconnection. You don't have that hug, that kiss, that whatever. Which hasn't been an issue until now, nine months into it. We had a really big fight. We weren't planning on seeing each other until the first week of December.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
And I basically said, I can't, I need that reconnection. I need to see you. Can we look at your calendar? Look at my calendar and see if we can make it work. And next weekend, I guess this weekend now, he had a trip tentatively planned. So just blocked off. for a guy's trip with people he sees every day, but they had no travel plans, no nothing, no Airbnb booked.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
And I basically said, hey, for this one weekend, can you just say, guys, I'm sorry, I can't make it. I have somebody else I need to make a priority. It was the only weekend we could do it basically until either of us until December. And it has now turned into a whole ordeal because he kind of dug his heels in. And I was like, well, now I don't feel important. And it's been.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
That's kind of almost another podcast in and of itself. It was a smaller issue that he admitted. So this is probably important. He admitted he totally screwed up, like not cheating or anything crazy like that.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
But it was a smaller issue that he turned into a bigger issue and said some not mean things, but just some things he shouldn't have said out of anger that then in turn obviously created me having insecurities and not feeling great about it that I basically was like, I need to see you like we need to see each other.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
I can get into more details if I can, but like I said, it's almost a whole other story in and of itself.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
How'd you guys meet? At Barcelona, a bar in DC.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
That's where I said my first date.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
Oh, really? Some article.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
Well, so that's the other thing we haven't really another piece. So I've been married before. So I'm really on no timeline, so to speak. And when we met, obviously, it was, to be frank, a one night stand that neither of us had any anticipation of turning into something. And then it just did. Obviously, the connection was great. We've seen each other a lot since then.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
We haven't had a ton of conversations other than probably by like theoretically this time next year, we do need to be talking about if we're still together about, OK, how that looks, who moves where, who does what. So there hasn't been a ton, I guess, of those conversations because we've kind of just been making it work until this point. Right.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
We haven't really had this conflict with priorities and, you know, you're now it's like you're choosing your friends that you see every day over me. And it's just created kind of another issue.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
Right. And I think that's kind of certainly where it's gotten to because there's a little bit of, I would call it trauma from a past relationship where a girl basically always asked him to put her first, had to cancel all of his plans all the time, which frustrates me because I'm like, well, this is one time in nine months I've asked you now to... I've never done this before.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
It's not really who I am that I at least know myself to be in relationships I've been in. Like I said, I've been married. So it's like he's not taking that at face value. And instead he's trying, he's like, well, I just don't want to set this precedent. I don't want to start this again. And I'm like, well, I'm not your past relationship.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
I think we obviously since in the past day or two, there's been a little bit more conversation around it and now he's kind of trying to make both of them work he's trying to go on his guys trip and then also trying to come here for like 12 hours so he's trying to now do both of the things but it did create this I was like okay am I crazy for asking you to skip one guys trip weekend and
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
Which he never called me crazy or never, but I'm just like, I was trying to look at it from his perspective because I don't want him to think that that's who I am really at all in a relationship.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
Well, and now that was only because of the way the flights worked. And it's also turned into the other option is, which I'm inclined to take this, girls probably laugh at me, that he was now offering to pay to fly me to Milan for two days and he's going to stay in Rome for two days. Yeah. So I'm like, I think it's a great time of year for Milan.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
So I'm like, it's kind of, it's starting to maybe work itself out. But I just was, I was like, I think he just likes to do everything. And I told him the other day, I said, as you get older, it's going to come to a head where you're going to have to start making sacrifices. I mean, he is old. He's 31.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
I was like, you're going to have to start making sacrifices or otherwise people in your life aren't going to feel important.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
And I think maybe that has kind of clicked with him, but I'm just not sure that's actually come to a head for him really in his life.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
When we initially kind of started it, we decided we basically needed to make it work like every four to six weeks. Sometimes it's been every two. Now, we were just together for two weeks, like early October to mid-October. So it's just it just depends on what we're doing. But when we initially started and we were looking at both, we both do have busy schedules. Right. It's not just about the fly.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
We just both have busy schedules. So we decided four to six weeks would be ideal. And sometimes it's been sooner. Sometimes it's been in two weeks. We've seen each other and then in another two weeks. So it just varies a little bit.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
That helps. So just like I said, I just kind of wanted, I'm like to see everything from everyone's perspective. Maybe it probably didn't come out to him that way when I was initially a little upset about it, but I was like, okay, am I, is this crazy? Like, I hate saying that word, but just for me to, insist that you drop your one weekend that you've blocked off.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
Now, if it were friends that he hadn't seen in a year or family or whatever, that would I probably wouldn't even question it. But because it's people he sees weekly, if not daily, is was where I was kind of like, can you not just break your plans one time and.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
Well, I, and I sometimes look, he's great. English is phenomenal. He speaks English at work, but English is his second language. So sometimes I give him a little bit of leeway with that because some of the words I don't think, cause he even hesitated when he said it. I don't, I think he just, sometimes I don't, Come out the best way. So I try to give that a little bit of a little bit of grace.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
But I agree. It was a strange way to phrase it.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
I agree with that. Like I said, I think it's now, although I don't know if either of us handled it phenomenally to begin with when we started this argument, I'm hoping it's like you said, kind of opened this door to be like, hey, this is what we need moving.
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
And we have talked a little bit about who would be willing to move where if we did get to that point, they've kind of not been super in-depth conversations, but some of those have come up. But yeah, I think it's just gotten to a point where we just need to make a decision. So stay tuned and maybe I...
The Viall Files
E840 Going Deeper with Garrett and Taylor from Love Is Blind
get broken up with in italy no stop not in this innocent update honestly right you already met one european man on a bar so i mean and honestly i haven't been to italy so when he offered i was like kind of annoying but also he ain't flying you out to break up with you
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
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The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
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The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
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The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
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The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
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The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
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The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
which I'm like, now I'm kind of starting to regret that, but there's nothing I can do to change the past. And like this last year and a half, we've been together fully while he's been sober. So that has been like the beginning of our, I feel like the first time we've actually taken a real chance on it for this last year and a half. And we live together and everything.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Just like being together because before I don't really feel like it was taken seriously by him. He's been in my life for five,
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
years but it was on and off for every three months and then we took like a big break I dated another person was it his choice or your choice to take the break it's always been my choice I just say like I can't do this anymore and I just like leave and he never fights for it really it's just like I understand if you're unhappy like you're unhappy and I get it so that doesn't really feel like my choice either sometimes yeah it doesn't sound like it's your choice you know you break yeah
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Yes. I feel like I've done a lot of things like that where it's like I feel like he's kind of been like my kryptonite I guess where it's just like I just like can't like I don't know why I just I feel like I put myself in positions where it's like that was either like I hurt somebody else because I'm trying to get over him in the process or like I just have like
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
embarrass myself trying to do something that like what brings you guys back together when you took the break he always would reach out and like we both like would always say how our connection is very special and it's just like we are very good partners like I feel that we balance each other really well and he does ground me a lot we end up missing each other and he'll when he reaches out it's just like it's very hard for me to not want to step back into it and yeah I don't know I guess that
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Yeah, no, actually we do have a therapist. We go to couples therapy together.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Yeah. Well, we first went because of all this stuff with the back and forth. I kind of had a lot happen. Well, I got pregnant twice. By him?
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Well, the first one I miscarried and he was not really able to be there for me that time. And then the second one, we weren't together. I had like just a little bit of... I freaked out by the reaction that I got from family members the first time around that it happened. And I like knee-jerk reaction, had an abortion. And I do feel like I regret that because that's something that I've always...
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
wanted in my life is to be a mother so I just I feel like that was really hard for me to get past those two things and so thank you yeah but we did go to therapy together to get past that because I just kept on
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
bringing it back up and I just like I just don't think I can move past this and feel like I can have this trust with you and like that you actually like like I didn't believe he loved me fully but I was like why am I with you then I don't understand like I feel like like weak in that sense where I just was like I'm with you but I don't feel like you actually love me but I hope you do and so then I through therapy I did find that like I know that he does love me
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
I mean, a lot of his actions, like I said, like our day to day is really, it is great. He does make genuine efforts and tries hard to show me that he loves me daily and his words. And he's very like,
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Yes we have Yeah, we have spoken about it a little bit, but it's mostly around the issue of him prioritizing work because when it's brought up, it's like, he's just too tired to deal with things when it comes down to it. Like, it's just like, it's always, he's too tired. So my therapist has like tried to, or our therapist has tried to suggest like just
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
him making like setting certain time aside to be intentional. And that's when we started to do more like date nights. And it's just the discussion. Sometimes it just feels like when it's too heavy for him, it does hit a point where it's just like too much to break through.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
And like, I don't know, I guess we haven't really nailed down that specific topic with my with our therapist, which I would, that's a good thing for us to focus on. and bring up, I feel like I feel a little bit helpless about it. Like, I just don't know if that part of him can change. So I think maybe I'm just here to bring that up too. I don't really know if it would be.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
I feel like this is kind of where I go back and forth because, I feel like I have done a lot of condensing myself of things in our relationship. So I feel like in my mind, I feel like he is the person for me. And I don't really feel like it's that much of a percentage that debates if he is or not.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
But when I get to the point where I feel frustrated, like he's not participating, I'm like fully out the door. So it's like, I don't really know how to gauge if that's,
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
a lot of me is contemplating it or if it's just like something that is like a really important thing for me to obviously obviously it is an important thing for me to fix and to change within our relationship dynamic but yeah I'm not really sure how to gauge do you feel like how much do you feel like he's more of your boyfriend or your partner and by partner I mean like the you know being a partner like a teammate do you feel like he's a teammate
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
No, that's a good, that's, you know, the thing that you always say where it's like, you have a boyfriend who wants the benefits of a girlfriend, but isn't really interested in being a boyfriend.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Yeah. That's kind of how I feel like it is sometimes with him. Like, I do feel like it's more, he is more like that than an active partner who wants to like, because he can do all the other things like, I mean, obviously, like, this is
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
a little different but it's like what's taking out the trash you're like picking me up from the airport like things like I know I can rely on him for certain like physical things that I need
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
sure a partner for I mean emotionally I can also rely on him for like my own stuff if I was talking to him about it but when it's him and I it's like if it involves him having to like dig deep it's like he's just like he and he knows that he avoids that with everybody too it's not just me but yeah that's not really where I have feel like he's like stepping up
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Yeah. Yes, yeah. Because there has been success, but it's kind of little compared to the- Well, I mean success around this particular topic, not success in the sense that like, I mean, he's currently a boyfriend.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Yeah, that's fair. That's something that I tell him a lot when we're going through certain things that I need to talk through. I do end up telling him I feel really alone in our relationship right now and I feel disconnected. Sometimes when it comes to that and that's where usually it derives from, it's like I feel disconnected and then he's just like, okay, I don't like it.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
It's almost like I feel like an annoying little sister sometimes and it just makes me feel so
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
which I don't know if that would help the case because I know, I mean, I know that he does want to work it out and he wants to be with me, but I know that for him, it's just like this emotional, it's the emotional intelligence that he never learned to have because through his life, what he has done with emotions or eyes is depressed.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
I do feel like I need to hear that sometimes because I think that, like, I feel like I want to hear the truth no matter what, always. And I just, like, I feel like this means you just don't care. And that's okay, but just say that. You know, like, I don't want to pretend like it's because, oh, it really has nothing to do with the fact that, like, I don't care. It's just I really am tired.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
It's like even if I'm so tired and I can barely like keep my eyes open because I'm just so exhausted because I've had the most draining day, I would never just say, oh, you're feeling this way. You just continue to feel this way so that I can feel comfortable with how I want to feel right now and just go to sleep.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
And like on my time, we'll talk when I'm ready because it's just like that just feels so unfair to me. And it feels like you just don't care. And like, let's just call it what it is.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
I told him, I really feel like the boy who cried wolf. Cause it's like, I'm like, I'm done never doing this again. And like,
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Honestly, I don't think it matters how I come across when we are arguing because I do feel like in moments I have a right to give step, but I'm not hard to talk to. I want to resolve the issue. I don't want to get into some...
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
big fight I don't think anyone really does but I feel like that's what's frustrating the most to me is it's just like I it's so easily and then he gets frustrated when he's like why are you upset like after days and days of me calmly asking hey can we speak about this can we talk about this please like I really like this is bothering me it's like and then once I've been kind of put off for multiple days then it's like what what's wrong I don't understand it's like well
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
I'm now I'm frustrated. Now I'm like emotionally, like I'm crying. I'm whatever.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Uh, yeah, I mean, I guess so, but I, he is one of my best friends, but he's not my very best friend.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Oh, for sure. Yeah, my best friend that I've been best friends with since childhood has a really hard time He's come around and like he has grown a lot.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
I guess that's interesting that you brought that up. I definitely, that's a point that I was thinking of not too long ago. I was just thinking of how he does always tell me like, you're my best friend. And I told my sister, I was just like, I just don't feel like he's mine though.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
I have such great, No, I haven't. And that's upon me for sure. I usually just tell him, yeah, like you're my best friend too.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
I feel like relationships for me, like my family and my friendships, like I, that's something that I put so much effort and time into because it matters so much to me and I have the best support system. And so it's hard. Cause it's like, I feel like that should make sense in the area of my partner too. And it's just doesn't. And yeah, that,
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
is hard because I'm like I just really don't want to I do feel like we have so many good parts about our relationship and it's so hard for me to like get that out of my head but I feel like I have to just be so honest that is the most important part of who I am is of the relationships I have. And so it has to make sense. Like he should be my best friend. You're right.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
I definitely haven't really thought about it like that before. Because I do think that I value, because of the value of my relationships, that I just, with my family and friends, I think that it would just be hard to come close to, like for any guy. Like I just don't, I've never really had a significant other where I feel like they're my best friend. They know me inside and out.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
I don't really feel like I've had any guy really take the time to get to know me super well. And I've always been worried about being with somebody who, is with me because of what I can give to them versus, like, because I feel like I will give, like, everything I have into a relationship. And I just think that, like, obviously, I mean, most people do, I guess.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
But I just think that sometimes, too, maybe I overextend a little bit. And then I just think that, like, I'm afraid of that being taken advantage of, but I'm letting that happen is what I have to say.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
When you say all the investment, do you mean like all of our everything, like time spent?
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Yeah. Especially when there's been like so much, positive change I think through our relationship and growth like although like might not look like all that much it's keeps on getting better and better um in all these areas so I guess if I took all that out I don't think I don't know if I would
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
be in the relationship if it was just like this is a brand new like this was a situation if I met him how he was now and I was coming up with these issues and I'm my age now because it's like obviously me at 22 is very different than me at 27 and I think that if I was just looking at that for what it was and not knowing anything about him and just seeing that I'd say yeah I'm good I would like someone with more ability to be there for me more
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Yeah, he tells me like life would be really scary without you.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
I like it. I think that feels, that feels good. I want to, I definitely want to be honest about that. And I think that that resonates a lot for me. And I think that that would be shocking for him to hear. And like you said, not in a way that it's like, I want to hurt him.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
It's just in a way that might make him understand a little bit more of like how he feels about me is not the same way I feel about him, which should raise a flag for him, you know?
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
Yes, it was very helpful. I appreciate you.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
That is something to ponder. Yeah. My mom, my mom will always tell me that she's like, you just keep coming back to this, you know? Cause I call her like, and I feel like it's like, I feel like I'm going insane sometimes with how much I go back and forth because it's like, as soon as this comes up where I feel alone, I'm like, I want to leave.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
And it's like, I tell, and I don't, I do voice it to him every time. I'm like, I want to leave.
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
because I don't know if I really fully mean it and it's like now I'm sitting here talking to you about it I'm trying to get clearer on if I mean that or not and I feel I feel better about knowing now like I've tried to calm down from that and saying like I'm gonna leave all the time and threatening that because it's like it's not helpful and if I really mean that like I want to only I just want to do it through my actions and just say hey here's what's happening I'm leaving if that's what's gonna happen I don't want to have to be like I'll see if I can get a reaction that
The Viall Files
E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man
I agree with that. I definitely I've never been alone either, which is like I've always gone from relationship to relationship. And this is like.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Well, that's that's just me kind of like speculating and like and endlessly going over, you know, that that like week that that that week is like, you know, in my mind, just going over it over and over again, ruminating like you say that that you do that I do as well. Yeah, I mean, to me, it's like, you know, I'm going off of her text where she said, you know, this is what I want.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And then, you know, half a week of complete silence. And then I get that. It's like, not that she owes me a reason. Obviously, I'm not saying that, but it's just like. it's like such a, like a question in my mind, you know what I mean? Like, I just want to like, maybe like throw it out there. Like, Hey, like, you know, some time has passed. Like, do you want to go out again?
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Like, I don't, I don't know if I should do that or how I should word it or what. And it sounds like you're just telling me like, it's just not worth it to throw myself out there again.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Well, that's the thing, Nick. I'm going over all my actions, all my words, all my texts that week. And I really, like, I mean, obviously I'm biased, but I really can't see anything, like, wrong that I didn't. That's fine.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I will say as a quick aside to this, one week later after she ended it, she viewed my profile and my sister's profile on LinkedIn. Okay. So I don't know if that means anything at all. I'm just throwing it out there. That's like the last.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So we had two great, great dates. We were kind of moving really, really fast. We kind of like skipped, you know, 10 steps in the relationship. We were love love bombing each other. And it's really tough when because I didn't know the term love bombing before.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So it was, it was just odd. It was just odd. Like I noticed that it wasn't only mine, it was my sister's and me and my sister don't have the same last name. So, so maybe there was some digging going on. I don't know.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
But that's, but that's not an indication of interest in your mind, like interest of getting back together again.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah. I mean, well, I mean, I just kind of said like, let's talk about this. Like not, you know, just so you wanted to talk.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
yeah i mean i've never been doubting that that is a good good good point on your part i don't want to be little the uh point or anything but i think this has mainly taught me the difference between excitement and and like real feelings or love and you've and you've talked about this many many times you know excitement is really hard to like when when the other person is giving as much as i am um or or is giving me back everything that i'm giving them in terms of
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
this whole thing but you know it wasn't just one party giving it and the other person pulling away she was giving as much as i was giving her so to me it was would you were you guys actually saying i love you no okay when you say love bombing give me an example like we were like really excited about you know introducing each other to our friends as you know
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
How's it going? Hi, I'm Greg. I'm 38, and I'm thinking about reaching out to a girl I used to date, but I need to emotionally protect myself in case I'm rejected again.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
you know, the language that we're using, the actions, it's really hard to, for me at least, to resist that and to not immediately have feelings for them. I'm not saying, like, I totally resisted saying the word love because I know that would have, you know, changed things in that moment. But it's really hard for me to you know, deal with this excitement that's still like in me.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Like I still think about her. I still, you know, I still have these feelings. And then for that text to come and say, hey, I like you. I want to, you know, slow things down. I still want to date you, whatever. And then just nothing. And then ending it is like such a, it's a very hard pill to swallow. And I know you understand. It's just like, I don't know. It's just, I need to get better at
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
you know, really just seeing dates as, you know, like approach it like you'll never see this person again type of thing. Like just take it as like a, you know, just like a one-off thing, like, and then just have it build, have it build.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And like, I was putting too much of my feelings on, you know, two, two dates and I, and I knew, yeah, I mean, I guess it's less of treating it like you'll never see them again.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I think it's just an acknowledgement just to like lower the expectations, more like a reasonable expectations type of thing.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
boyfriend and girlfriend type of thing, introducing ourselves to family, basically confessing our feelings for one another.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Okay. As an aside to that, in your experience talking to all your guests, I wonder if the fact that I'm going through a divorce now and not that my divorce is final, I wonder if that plays into anything. Like do women...
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
back and forth it was pretty equal um we kind of hit it off right away uh messaging on the apps and then the first date went went great and then the second date was the next day and things kind of unfolded from there and that and then the second day was the last time i ever saw her and really spoke to her did you guys hook up and have sex We did. We didn't hook up. We got physical.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And, you know, you said then done, obviously, but yeah, that's, that's something working on.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
We kind of fooled around a bit on that second date, which is the day after the first date.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And what you said now kind of confirms what I'm already doing, because after this whole thing happened, I was really disappointed, as you can tell. What I did was I resolved to kind of just take this time to work on myself, which I have been doing after the breakup. So all my free time and energy is going to work, gym, and therapy.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
The other one is... Research, things like listening to your podcast, reading your book, reading other dating advice stuff, things like that. I'm really proud of what I've done. I've lost 41 pounds in about four months, and I'm keeping on going with that. And that's a mental health thing as well. I just don't have the patience now to... start conversations, get on the apps.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Like I deleted all the apps off my phone. It's just this, this, this, this one girl is, you know, I, I think about her like almost like every other day. And I, and I just like, it's, it's such like an unresolved,
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Okay, so I'm getting divorced after five and a half years. That's why I'm like testing the dating pool. Okay. Honestly, it was through you, Nick. My sister is a big, big fan. She's been listening to you since pre-COVID. And once I broke up with my wife, she recommended your podcast, which I have listened to ever since. I read your book. giving her the book.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Okay. Yeah. I never thought of it in that way, but that's.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Right, right. Okay. Well, that's very helpful. It's a different way of thinking about it. Thank you, Nick.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Sure. As a fellow bearded man. This is my first beard.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
All right. I straighten it in the mornings and, I don't know, maybe by the afternoon it gets a little...
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
You know what I mean? Just like see what it looks like, like, you know, longer, but I don't know.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So like, I learned that term through you. And I realized after the fact that that's what I was doing. And that's what she was doing to me. And sorting through my feelings on that is kind of what I'm struggling with. Like, I do want to I continue dating her and I don't know why things ended.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I have a really good barber, so I'll maybe explore that the next time.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And I know you're, you know, probably going to tell me, you know, like you obviously just said, like, just don't even reach, reach out, but I'm really struggling with that. And I'm an anxious attacher. I know that now.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Hi, I'm good. I'm Jessica. I'm 28. And I'm wondering if my ex wants to get back together or if he just wants me during his football offseason.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah. So I actually just started hearing from him maybe two weeks ago. And we haven't spoken before that for six months. And he hasn't asked me to talk since then. But this was the first time I reached back out to him was two weeks ago.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And I'm wondering whether this is like worth it or if it is worth it, like, what do I say? And how do I emotionally protect myself? Okay.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So it was honestly a long time coming. Um, and I, There were a lot of things that were kind of playing into it, but I will say the biggest factor was two years ago, my uncle, who was basically like my father figure, very like randomly, suddenly passed away. And my boyfriend at the time was away playing football, probably five different times, four different times.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Each time it was half a year long, but this time he was actually here when it happened, which I was very thankful for. I was always worried something could happen. And I was alone. But the funeral was set to happen when he had a tryout to go to. And it was just like a weekend. He was flying out to different states to try out for another week. And it was a big opportunity.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
He didn't want to miss out. But I told him there are other tryouts. And this was a really once-in-a-lifetime thing for you to be here for me. And it was, to this day, the hardest thing I've ever been through, losing him, losing my uncle. So... I really needed him there. I expressed that over and over again.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And it feels really bad to even say I was begging for someone to come for my uncle's funeral. And we even been together for probably five years at that point, which is even worse. But yeah, so he... At the end of the day, chose to go to the football opportunity. Couldn't miss out on that. I also thought that if he didn't go, he would hold it against me that he didn't get the opportunity.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
She ended it after two amazing dates. Yeah. Why did she end it? you know she gave me the whole it's not you it's me thing um you know she's not ready for a relationship and yada yada yada okay and why are you thinking about reaching back out um because to me it's it just seems like unfinished business to me and we really hit it off and um
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
But I didn't realize until I went that it was going to impact our relationship as much as it did. And I feel like it took two years because I lost another person in my family. And I kind of feel like I didn't want to lose that relationship also on top of that. And I had hoped that maybe he could
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
make up for in some way but it just declined in all sorts of ways since then what do you mean declined well so the so he plays football um professional football it's an indoor league and so uh he doesn't get paid very well it really is a big passion he had dreams of going to nfl that didn't really happen and now he just wants to play football so so i guess i always go ahead i'm sorry yeah
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Because I text frequently. I'm one of those people who just needs to be reassured when I'm with someone, especially early. And when I don't get the text back, I am, you know, pretty anxious in my head about it.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah, well, he always had dreams of playing there, but it was more because he wants to play. The pay was not that great, and he would come back, kind of scramble for work on his off-season, and then basically wouldn't be able to go out on many dates at all or really do anything together or travel, which was kind of rough.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So I kind of played a part in it because I feel like we never went out, we never did anything, and... Then it just was a matter of him kind of like maybe feeling bad for not showing up for me and kind of like giving up in a way. I feel like he really felt very guilty for missing out on that. He didn't get the opportunity that he tried out for either.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So it kind of felt maybe a little bit worse for him. And he really did stop showing up for me.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Well, I kind of also feel like I kind of like started accepting, like I gave up too, definitely. I definitely, there was a very like lack of motivation for me.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Um, yeah, I'm about to be 28. Um, and we met in college. I was on the track team and he was on the football team. So we knew each other from sports and our friends.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
That was the hardest one of them all for sure. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So that is where it's difficult because I feel like, you know, he lives the life of like, it's inevitable to kind of live the life of the football player. Like they would, you know, have to go out to eat and show up at bars and be there like, and he's far away, you know, in a different state.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So it's always going to be difficult, but I can genuinely say I've never had like a thought of him cheating or disrespecting me or playing me. It really was a matter of him just kind of choosing to play football or like being able to show up for me. And then him kind of,
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I just kind of realizing like, like, you know, he, we graduated in Philadelphia area and then he wanted to move to like a whole different state. So like it was a 10 hour drive moving here away from family. And I've been here ever since. So we relied on each other a lot. And when he did move here, he actually, it was, we graduated when COVID happened.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So he gave up football at that point because it wasn't happening. And he got a sales job here. So I didn't actually really expect to be tied into this kind of football life, I guess, when I moved here away from family and friends. That kind of made it a little bit more difficult.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So he did okay in sales. He didn't really have, I kind of feel like I, like he always had the plan to still do football. And he kind of came to me one day and was like, yeah, I got an agent and I have an opportunity to play in, it was like Bismarck. It was super far away.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And that was when I was kind of like very like, whoa, you have an agent, which I kind of didn't even realize he still had an agent. to try to do football. So I did kind of feel like he always knew he was going to do it. It was just a matter of now I'm away from my family and friends when you're leaving for three months to six months.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And I don't know if I would have made this move out here if I knew that that would have been what could have happened. I might have actually rather stayed home and closer to friends. So that's sort of where it started to feel like You know, football is his main thing in life. And I might be just kind of like a side note.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And I feel like since then, it kind of showed me that every time he left, he's been very, you know, he's very present when he was here. And then he would leave and be very involved with his football team.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And when he would come back here again, like he just was kind of like trying to make money to support himself and practicing, you know, waking up, practicing, going to work and practicing after work. And we really didn't really do anything together because he was always so busy with that. And it was more so a matter of, he's about to be 28 also.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Kind of where I am stuck right now because I feel like he, he has been, you know, he was away and it was actually Oklahoma. It was super far when he left playing and we were still together at the time, but I feel like I just kind of started to back off the relationship and not really care as much.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I stopped showing up to his games and supporting him because I realized that he wasn't able to support me and show up for me. And we both just really kind of gave up, I guess. And I was the one who ended up pulling the trigger and just kind of like I think we need to break up because I don't think anything's changing. And then he blocked me on everything. And I was trying to figure out a lease.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I was trying to figure out... I had to make a move on my own without even knowing where I was. I had to get all these little things like get the Wi-Fi, get the insurance without him giving me his sign-ins and make a whole thing. So it just made a lot of things very difficult. And I was honestly shocked that he just flat out blocked me. In the long term, it really helped me because...
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I instantly like I had actually like a race the next day and I had to like barely even know if I was going to do the race, like didn't know if I wanted to do it. And I went and did it and I was like proud of myself. And then it was like, you know what? Like I can use this time to concentrate on myself and build and work and maybe like
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Not even two months later, he starts talking to me again, like texting me. And we have a dog together. And he would send me pictures of our dog. And that would be it. No context or anything. And I wouldn't answer because I'm kind of like, whatever. He kept sending me, asked how she was, asked me how she was. And I would just kind of be like, she's good once in a while.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And then he would... And then randomly, he said he was in my area, like in South Carolina area. And he wanted to meet up again. And I'm wondering, like, why did you even move back here? Who are you even staying with? Because he had no ties here except for me. Like, he never liked it here. So that kind of made me annoyed because I tried to build a life here in the meantime.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And he came back here in his off season, which I feel like it also would have been a little bit easier to ignore him if he wasn't here. But he kept asking to see me and my dog.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Well, I'm annoyed that he's back here because he did complain a lot about how there's no opportunity here, how he doesn't have any one to like practice with. Clearly back here for you.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I don't really know that. Cause also he has two friends who live here and he's living with one of his friends. Sure. Okay.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah. And that's totally true because I kind of like, feel like we were at a point where it was like, who's going to break up with who? And I felt like I have to do it and kind of be the bad guy. And I needed something for him to give me to show that he was also the bad guy. Kind of.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah, I mean, that's definitely accurate. And especially because like I, at this point I've been in therapy for like a year now, which has really helped. So I've been really like kind of like
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
very, uh, it brought to light a lot of the issues that I brought to the table too, because I, I know that like, I was waiting for him to do something to mess up the relationship, but I was really over it after the fact that he didn't show up for my, it wasn't even the fact that he didn't show up for my uncle's funeral. That really was awful. But then he did leave again for football.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And then my grandma passed away. And then that kind of just made me realize like, this is a bit much, like you couldn't have shown when he was here. And he didn't show up when he wasn't there. And then he actually had his mom and his sister come visit me during the week of that happening.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And that was honestly awful for me because I just wanted to be with either alone or by my close friends or family. Or even for him to come home the next weekend or the weekend after that if he was free. If he couldn't even come to the funeral. But that just never... Ended up happening. And it just kind of like built up more resentment towards him.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And instead of leaving him, I like that resentment just kind of built. And there was basically like a boiling point to this where it was kind of like he came home the season afterward. And we went out. It was this really nice night downtown that we went out to. And I got too drunk and didn't even remember totally bitching him out that night and causing a scene. He even recorded me.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
He showed me it the next day, which is not great at all. And I saw that. And I immediately signed up for therapy. I was like, I don't even know that person who has all that inside of them. And it's so mad. But it's been there. And I just haven't dealt with it. And I knew I was taking out on him. I didn't want to do that anymore. And he even said, like, it would be great if you would do therapy.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And I agreed. And that was the point where I did. And he took even like three days apart. He stated his friends and I was just like apologizing, like signed up for therapy, try to do everything I could. But then it just felt like it wasn't enough time because he left again for football and maybe like two and a half months.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Other than that, it's just like, and that's, and that's part of the reason why I'm here as well to kind of like get, get some more tools as well. And, uh, I am in therapy. I did start therapy after me and my wife broke, broke up. Congratulations. That's awesome. Thank you. It's, it's, it's, it's been life changing as, as you've said many, many times.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And I just felt like I was like, I just feel like too much has even like happened at this point. I don't think he could ever forgive me for that. Like he just never really looked at me the same after that. And it just kind of felt like I was so mad at him for so many things.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And he had something and he like, you know, and for me, I don't know, because I was so hard on him for a lot of things that made me upset. So I feel like that was his opportunity to be like that towards me. And it was just difficult. I was like, I don't really think we're ever going to get out of that situation.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And I concentrated a lot on, like I leaned a lot on therapy and therapy kind of like just woke me up to not really it being either our problems, just it being really like not a good relationship right now for everything that happened. And it was a lot of...
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
kind of fighting it was a lot of like random things like him me looking through his following him following a cheerleader which I never want to even have to do for someone and seeing that and feeling suspicious and everything just kind of like you know just built and built this I think I always wanted to maybe break up with him. I just kind of needed some things to do that.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And I was looking for it and I found it and broke up with him when I probably confused him. Cause I should have done it when it actually hurt my feelings. Like let me.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And that's where I'm at right now, because I really when I was done, I felt like I'm done. Like there's just too much stuff.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I would definitely want to be in a healthy relationship with him. And that was... I feel like it wasn't maybe always my goal. I did want to just take time after the breakup and think that we weren't ever getting back together because I really didn't think that. And I've been on a few dates since then. And I haven't had bad dates. I've had some okay dates, but have still kind of like thought that
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
He just provided something different. He was just such a different vibe with him and wanting to do everything with him and experience life with him. It was kind of like a different thing. So the most recent thing that we did, again, like talking on the phone two weeks ago after we haven't seen each other for six months. And in my mind, I'm thinking... the longer, the better.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Uh, this was back in, uh, June. So this was like, uh, so this is what, like now we're at like four months ago.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
It's more time for us to kind of heal and move on because it would have been so easy for me to just like answer his first text a month in after we broke up and then get right back into all of our issues. But I knew that like, I still needed time. He still needed time. I wasn't ready. And so I still like,
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
was working in therapy and going through everything and still missing him and working through all those emotions. And then when I felt ready to talk to him, he wanted to meet up. But I said, let's do a phone call. I thought that'd be too much pressure. And I wanted to just get a vibe of where he was at. And the phone call went super well. And he even talked about how he looked into doing therapy.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And I was really impressed by that. He mentioned couples therapy, but I said I wasn't like comfortable with sex we're not like a couple at the moment i'd rather do my and him do like his at the moment but i was like appreciative that he even had that thought um and he did like
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
something that kind of like bothered me a little bit was that he did kind of mention, he was just like, I just don't know. Like if I can move on from, you know, everything that you said that night, like what you said that night, it just kind of made me realize that you don't think anything of me.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And I just kind of was like, okay, like we took like six months to kind of work on this and you're still going to hold me.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I said that he was broke. I said he never takes me on a date. I said I was embarrassed to be with him at times. I'm embarrassed that he didn't show up for me for the funeral. He embarrassed my family. Like I was like, Yeah, it was bad.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah. And it's also hard too, because it's like he... has been trying even harder that he's like done football to talk to me again when that's something that was hard, like during the breakup, like it was such a sharp contrast of like here by myself, like having to ask my parents to come help me move and didn't want to do all that.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And he already had his room paid for him, had his friends, had his whatever. So I feel like it almost maybe didn't even hit him until later where it did like hit me right away. So I am kind of worried, I guess, because we did talk on the phone and that was good. Talked on the phone one more time and it was good again. Then I was like, okay, do you want to come over? We'll see.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And he actually met my dog and I for a walk. And then, of course, we come back here and...
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
had like pizza and then sleep together because everything just felt like so natural and normal and it was great and awesome until like the next day when he like left and like seeing him leave was just hard because I'm like I don't know what I'm gonna do again it's not like a locked in relationship like it was like it just kind of felt weird and then he kind of
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I guess like he kind of got maybe a little bit just like that weird feeling as well. And then we hung out another time, also had sex. And then the next morning, I was really thrown off because I was kind of like, like he was leaving for work. And I was like, oh, I guess I'll see you later, whatever I said. And he kind of got weird and was like, I don't really know.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Like I'm still really confused about everything. And I'm still trying to play football. And even in New Mexico, if I have to like leave to Mexico and play football, like I will, like I just, I need to play football still. And I don't know what that leaves with us. And I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to feel guilty for getting you wrapped in this again. And I just felt like that.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I just get like totally wrapped in this again, because it's just the convenience of his off season. And I told him like, I've done a lot of time to think about this and work through this. And he said to me, he's like, I'm being honest. Like, You telling me how much you've been working on it is making me realize that I actually haven't thought about it at all. And I was like, what?
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I feel like this whole time I've been thinking about it nonstop, trying to work on myself, get myself through it. And that was frustrating. On top of then, he said... Because I was like, yeah, I've been working on it. I want to do better. And I don't want to hold each other to the things in the past. I want to forgive you and move forward. And he said...
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
it freaked him out when i said that it's actually been 10 months since we've seen each other because he has been away for four months even before that before we broke up and he goes i feel like it's just been too much time now and now it's like we're just going to jump right back into it it's all going to be the same where my mind was totally different like this time i was healing and like trying to move forward and letting go of the past and wanting to move forward and forgiveness and i kind of just feel like it's hard now because i'm kind of realizing he hasn't
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
done that work that i feel like he was telling me on the phone the first time and now he's almost like well i'm still gonna play football and i'm like did you just do this to relieve some guilt that you had and want to make sure like we're cool or fine or like if it was my guess is my guess is he cares about you he has feelings for you just like you have feelings for him the difference is you've done the work and he hasn't yeah it's kind of that simple
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And that is how he felt. Like, I feel like he feels like I, I'm not like talking down to him, but I feel like I have been using this, like, like, Oh, I've been going to therapy and I've been working on myself to feel like I know exactly what I'm like doing, which I've been like trying to be like, okay, like I, I have to like lessen that more.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
You know, a lot was said during the dates, after the dates that made it seem like she wanted to, you know, pursue something. And then I heard nothing for a couple of days and then I got the message. So I'm wondering whether or not I should do it, how I should word it if I end up reaching back out. That's why I'm here.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah. It took me definitely a while. I feel like to work on all those things. So I do kind of, and to let go of like that resentment I had for him. So I'm just kind of worried that if he hasn't worked on that, that he's still going to have me, have that for me, see me as that. And I just feel like I kind of need to,
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
let him have time to do therapy, but then he's also leaving a place to fall again in like two months. So it kind of is pressure in that sense.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I guess just like unblock him and try to like, just figure out I answer out of this instead of competing with each other and trying to be like tit for tat on everything.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I already did say like, I forgive him and I want to move forward. I guess I would just kind of have to say like, I, I understand that that takes time and we're going to have like some instances where we're not going to be perfect and we're just gonna have to be like gentle with each other in this learning process.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Or just, I don't even know, just either be with each other during this process or I feel like kind of let each other go at this point because it's kind of too difficult if we're never going to be on the same page.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And I do. I have an issue that I have with him too.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah. Yeah. I guess I'll just unblock him and try to say, I'm sorry for blocking him. And maybe, you know, I have my dog taken care of and we can maybe talk. after this week when like it's both of our birthdays this week, which kind of sucks. And you're like, after this week, maybe you can have a very, it doesn't suck.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he might be willing to, I'll say.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Definitely have more work to do myself for sure.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So, but like, um, so the, the thing that happened after those two amazing dates, after we got physical, after we connected on the date, um, the following night into the next morning, she sends me a paragraphs long text, uh, in the middle of the night. And it basically says like, Hey, when was this was in between the dates. So this was, no, this was after the second date.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Good. Thank you. My name is Gina. I'm 31. And my question for you is, how do I stop the men I date from seeing me as their therapist and their girlfriend instead?
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So generally the routine is I go on a couple of dates with them. We get more comfortable with each other. I learn a little bit about their career. They learn about mine, their life outside of work and such and such. And then almost overnight, it just seems to turn into, how was your day? I'm tired. How was work? Oh, I hate my boss. I want a new job. And
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
You know, and they might go into more serious stuff like how they struggle with anxiety and depression. And of course, I'm understanding to that. But that seems to be the conversation every time we speak following that, you know, assuming we talk on during the week. And so it's been another work day. They're tired again.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
A couple dates. So I've seen, I've met them in person. We've gotten a little bit more comfortable with each other. That's probably what I would say what leads to this.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I'm not a serial texter in that I want to text them 24-7. I do like daily check-ins or every other day or something like that. And of course, I don't push it. I kind of pick up where they leave off, so to speak.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I'm definitely looking for someone who's a little bit more established and really does have a life of their own and a career of their own just to kind of match our lives in that way.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So I understand that, of course, if they're busy and have a complicated life or other priorities pulling them other way, that might start to wear and tear on them mentally and then kind of use me as an outlet of someone to open up to.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah. It always seems to be like they think it's just going to get better next week or two weeks without really making serious pivots in their life that would then make them established.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
I don't, not directly. I think I more try to pick up on kind of the way they speak about it. If it's something they're passionate about or if it's something that they dread every day, I try to pick up on that when we're just chatting in the apps.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
This is like the next night leading into the, the, the morning, two days later.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah, no, that tracks to exactly what I've heard throughout the years.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Oh, yeah. I've gone through the same struggles and such and did what I needed to do to get myself out of that hole.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So she sends me this paragraphs long text saying like, Hey, you know, uh, we're moving really, really fast. Um, I really like, like you, I want to take things slow. Uh, we had, we had plans for a date, um, the next day, which was, which would have been a third date in like less than a week, which I know is a lot, but that was our
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah, no, exactly. Yeah, that's why I reached out to you.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah, no, I could see that. I always just sympathize and say, oh, gosh, I'm so sorry. You know, tell me more.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
My range on the app is 29 through 43. Okay. But I'm most often going on dates with 30 through 35. 30 through 35.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
plan she said like i i kind of want to slow things down i want to like maybe do like one or two dates a week max let's kind of get into that rhythm i still like you i still want to pursue a relationship with you um it's just a lot right now um she was talking about you know she she just moved from another state like about six weeks prior so she was kind of getting her feet under her there
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah. No, that's a really good way of phrasing it.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Okay. Okay. I'm going to bump my age range up and start asking that question.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Um, she had a girl's weekend that weekend. So she was busy. So she said like, let's kind of like take the weekend off and then like re re group for the next day. So it was the next week. So it was a very hopeful text and it made me feel really good. Like, wow, she wants to take a step back, you know, we're moving really, really fast. I totally recognize that.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah. Yeah. Because, I mean, ultimately, they're just very negative. Whether my response is, oh, gosh, I'm sorry, you know, or not. It's hard to be around. Like, I don't want texts every day of, oh, my day was awful, you know. So, yeah, I think kind of embracing or trying to find more positive men, too, would be helpful.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
And I sent her a text back basically saying like, I'm down for all of that and totally, totally down for everything there. So we had a call scheduled for the next day.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
um and i texted her i called her no answer and she already said she was busy so i kind of was like all right she's busy whatever then the weekend goes goes by she's on her girls weekend she had like a baby shower and um a girl's trip planned i resist texting her at all during that time um all the while my sister is coaching me through you know
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
how to sort through my feelings and talking me down from tech texting error and that's sure and that worked out great uh you know because this is this is how i am nick like i just i i just i want to text i want to like you know hey how's it going you know checking in whatever you know and that's just how i am so i had to i had to like actively uh resist that so Monday comes, the weekend goes by.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Monday comes, I send her a text in the morning like, hey, I hope you had a great weekend. I'd love to hear all about it whenever you get a chance. That was in the morning. Two days of ghosting happens after that. And then I kind of forced the issue two days later and say like, hey, you know, you said you wanted to slow things down, but this is like really slow.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Like I want to know what's going on type of thing. And then she sends me the text saying like, you know, it's not you, it's me and blah, blah, blah. So that's where things ended.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
So I had a little bit of a moment of weakness there. I did kind of ask to talk to her about it, kind of like hash it out, which I realize is not the right thing to do now. And then she sent me back something like saying, like, why would I do that kind of thing? And then I just kind of wished her well and went on my way. Why would she do what?
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Well, no, no, no. It was, it was in so many words. I was, you know, basically going, going through it and say like, you know, I'm, you know, I definitely want to,
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
slow things down this is not normal like i recognize this i'm just you know we need to slow things down okay so you did empathize with her healthy way yeah yeah i did oh yeah i i i sent her you know a couple paragraphs basically saying i am down for that you know let's let's you know yeah regroup after the weekend because i was gonna say it's like you saying i'm down for that just kind of sounds like you just want to be agreeable just so that you can hang out with her
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Like, why would she talk to me about something she's already decided type of thing? Gotcha. Okay.
The Viall Files
E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer
Yeah. Maybe, maybe we're dealing with someone who's not emotionally mature enough for a
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
So what about dish soap is making you anxious and him withdraw?
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
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The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Their flattering, full-coverage fit leaves a seamless appearance under clothes, and they're so supportive and comfortable. The Fits Everybody Scoop Bralette was a game-changer for me. They have a hook-free design for a comfortable fit, and I feel supported without feeling suffocated.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Natalie loves the fits everybody t-shirt bra.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
And this goes for everybody. It's for the man in your life, the woman in your life, the person in your life you love the most. There is a piece for them. And if you're looking for the perfect gift for your Valentine or for yourself, Skims just launched their best Valentine's shop ever. Available in sizes women, men, kids, and pets.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Hi, I'm Samantha. I'm 38 and the father of my children keep disrespecting my boundaries and it's taken a toll on my marriage.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Pretty much everything that I try to set in place when it comes to our children, a little background, my children are grown now. I have a 18-year-old who's soon to be 19 and a 17-year-old who's soon to be 18. Whenever I ask or try to give guidance on how we want to do situations with the kids, It's always like, well, whatever, we'll do what you want to do.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
And then it turns around and he plays the guilt trip on my kids and they are upset, which in turn makes me upset. The co-parenting just has never really been co-parenting for the last 17 years.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Well, that's what I like to think. But at the same time, I feel like it hasn't changed and it's not going to change.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
And that's really what my question is. Is there a way of me walking away and keeping my kids as priority without having conversations or dealing with their father at all? I feel like I constantly have to be the middleman for everything.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
So, for instance, just last night we had a banquet for my son's football and I asked him, hey, did your dad RSVP? There's only two seats allowed per person. So if he's not going to make it, I would like to take my husband, of course, because he wants to be a part of things as well. He says, I don't know. You know, you have to reach out to my dad because he hasn't said anything.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
So I turn around and I reach out to his dad and he's like, oh, can you send me the information? Of course, I want to go. So I sent him the information. He's included on all the emails as well, but you know, he kind of needs that handholding and that's what it's been for the last 18 years.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
What do you mean you feel like you have to be perfect?
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
So I feel like if I were to totally remove myself from the situation and put it back on the children to make sure that they're letting their dad know of everything. So they're not upset that he doesn't show up, then things get missed and their feelings end up getting hurt rather than me just playing the middleman and taking the brunt of whatever it is that I have to take.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
So again, like I said, it's taken a toll on my marriage because my husband does not like him at all. You know, he's not been a very good co-parent at all.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Almost six years. Been together for eight. So he thinks I enable the behavior and gets upset because I am so involved and I really try not to be. I really take myself out as much as I can. And then I get upset because things are not being done.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Um, I don't know if I can answer for him. I can just tell you his frustrations that he voices to me is me being the middleman, you know, me constantly saying, Hey, just a reminder, you know, the kids have appointments at this, you know, or they have this coming up for school activities or whatever the case may be when it's kid related.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Why do you do that? Because I feel like at the end of the day, he's not going to follow through on his end if I don't be the person to remind him that things are coming up and happening.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Well, I know that they feel a certain way about how he is lacking in a lot of aspects when it comes to being a father. You know, there was a recent situation over the holiday where they made the effort to go all the way to his family's house in Chicago. It was about an hour away where we were having our dinner. And he stayed there for a little bit and said, I'm going out.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
You know, guilt shook them the whole time about them coming to the visit. They made the visit. They made the drive. They did. And he left them within about an hour or so of being there to go out with his friends. And they came home.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Late at night, you know, after leaving their family's house an hour plus away and we're upset, you know, like we've made all this effort and he just leaves like, this is what he always does to us. And so they voiced their frustration with me and me being the mama bear that I am. I wanted to text him that night and. be furious. But my husband right then there said, do not dare.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Don't you dare do it. So I stopped and I did it. But the next day, you know, as, as I was talking with the kids, I was like, did your dad ever reach out to you? You know, what's going on? Are you guys going to go visit him this, you know, today? And they're like, well, he hasn't called us, whatever, you know, Then within an hour, he calls them and says, hey, you guys coming over?
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Because my daughter had flew in for the holiday. So they jumped up and they left because dad called. And from that, that just made me mad because it's like he expects them to jump up and go and do whenever he asks when it's convenient. And when they do, they get, you know, for lack of better words, shit under the stick.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Right. I just, I feel like I built a codependency and I'm trying to break away from that to where he, cause he does, you know, like I need this information. I need this information. I have tried to stop the communication as of recent where I was just like, don't after our big fight, I was like, I just want you to like lose my number. And what do your kids want?
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Well, yeah, I said, do you want your dad to go? And he said, of course. And I'm like, okay, that's not a problem.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Right. And I think that's where I really, um, Drop the ball a lot. I do play mama bear a lot. I want to make sure that they have what they need and like, okay, I'll do this for you.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
That makes sense. I guess, I mean, I feel like we still have some ties. I know they're adults. My daughter, like I said, she's off to college in another state and we had agreed that we would pay the remaining portion of her tuition because it was only partially funded.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
And again, that financial burden falls on me because he can't afford to make the payment this month or that month or whatever the case is. So how do I navigate those types of issues that are obviously not emotionally related to the children?
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Again, this is where me and my husband have an issue because he wants, and I'm sure you'll agree with him, he wants my daughter to foot the rest of that bill because this was her choice of going to that college. I don't agree.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
She doesn't have a job. She could take out a student loan, but I really don't want her to come out of school with debt. We can, it's not the easiest payment. Our half we can make, but the other half, you know, it's like something like we have to like go out, go without, you know, eating out for the week, you know, like, can we do that? Yeah.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Cause we spend, you know, two, $300 for six of us to go out to eat. I have a lot of kids.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Yeah, no, we do. And I try not to because most of the time we agree on the principle. But at the end of the day, I felt like if it's impacting the children, then I'm going to just take the heat of it and deal with it and do it myself.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's just definitely growing up different, you know, obviously they have a lot more for them. I provide a lot more than, you know, what I was provided as a child. So I think it's kind of that thought of like, well, I want to give my kids what I'd never had. So it's definitely an internal battle.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
So not, not all at first, you know, it took a long time to get to where we're at today, you know, but they definitely, for the last eight years, you know, we've been definitely providing a lot of a, more of a stability than before.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
I know. I definitely feel like I'm contributing to
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't involve myself in his life or what's going on. It just things that impact the kids just really like stir me up.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
That's a really good question. I think that's something that I definitely should have worked on myself. I really thought I had that all in check, but now that you pointed out, yeah, you're right. I let it, when it comes to the kids, it's, it's no longer the emotional relationship between him and I, I've gone far past that.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
But when it comes to the kids, I think it just has all built up into just the kids.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
You're absolutely right. You are absolutely right.
The Viall Files
E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
And conquer. Okay. Well, I appreciate it. Thank you so much.
The Viall Files
E939 Ask Nick - Revenge Dating
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The Viall Files
E939 Ask Nick - Revenge Dating
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The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I haven't done anything to the degree that they're saying I've done. And just the simple fact that she associates with me, she is looked at the wrong way. And I've done nothing to give these people that judgment on me. I've never done anything out of pocket. I don't even follow these people on social media. And so I, in a way, feel a type of way.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
My cousin's siblings had come up to our area two weeks ago. So a week before she got married, his siblings were here. And I spent the entire week taking them around, showing them all the cool things that are around here, taking them to different spas, taking them sightseeing, taking them everywhere. And at the end, they thanked her for taking them around everywhere and
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And then I didn't, not that I need a thank you, but I took time off. I don't work on a salary job. I get paid hourly. I took days off to take them around. And then I found out afterwards that they spent the entire afternoon talking shit about me, like the siblings with my friend.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And so I was ready to just kind of take my losses and just be cordial with her and keep it, peaceful. And she has since messaged me saying she wants out of the business completely.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
So my auntie and uncle are, but I found that a lot of my parents, my mom's siblings, they practice heavily still. Whereas the children from those parents, we kind of don't practice as much anymore because we've seen our parents just be hypocrites throughout our lives on so many different things.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
So a lot of us have fallen away from the religion and we don't practice or we only practice to keep our parents happy, which is what my cousin's siblings do. They still attend church. They still kind of look the part of religion. But when they're away from their parents, they act completely different.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And so I'm the type of person that if I smoke weed, I'm going to smoke weed in front of my cousins. I'm going to smoke weed in front of my friends because I'm not going to change who I am in front of other people. Now, I'm not going to sit there and just be high out of my mind. but I'm still going to be who I am as a person.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And so they sat together and just spoke about how, you know, how Stacey is. And my friend had asked, well, what do you mean by that? And she came to me and told me, oh, your cousin said that you're easily offended. You're argumentative. You take things too personally. And when I confronted him, like, hey, can you just tell me why you feel that this is how I am?
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
He was like, I never said any of that. And so when I went back to my best friend to confront her, like, hey, why did you say he said this about me and he never did? And she's like, I must have just assumed that. And so I am now in a predicament where I can't even really call my cousins to clear the air because I look exactly like she said to I was easily offended, argumentative.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And taking things too personally. And I don't even, I don't want to call my cousin and discuss this with him or with the other siblings. And I don't even know what to say to my friend anymore. I just feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place. And my only option is to show grace.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
My priority was my business, to be honest, because she was going to move away anyways. She was going to move away and I was going to have to, we were going to slowly transition from being a unit to be taking over. I wasn't ready to do that in a 24 hour window. I thought I had it because she got married, came back here and was going to move out to America in about April, May. So we had a time here.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
This was after she got married. So she had messaged me and I told her like, congratulations, I would love to have a conversation with you once you get back into town. And so when she came back, she messaged me and said, hey, I would like to meet up with you to discuss how you've hurt me. And at that point, I probably could have had a better response.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
My priority was my business. My priority, like, I know friendships are a priority to some people, but I also understand that a marriage comes before any friendship. And I feel like my cousins made it clear that he doesn't think that her and my friendship is a priority to him.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And I think I'm assuming now, but I'm assuming he's having her choose between him or me, which is why she's cut me off so out of the blue without any warning.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
you know people say like it's a bad thing you know and clearly every single person i have talked about this with has said like has sided with me and that's why i'm like i don't know if i'm right or wrong and i don't want someone to just side with me because i'm telling them my perspective so i really do appreciate you telling me i'm being dramatic because i feared i was being dramatic
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
It's just hurtful because it gets back to my parents and then my parents will confront me and be like, is this true or not true? And then I can go blue in the face telling my parents that it's a lie. And they'll be like, no, I know you're lying to me that this is the truth.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Like all of it, like there's so many more, there's so many more hypothetical stories that I have heard about myself. And I'm almost like, I should have done that. So at least I could sit here and be like, yeah, I did it.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Like, where's like, I've, I've been through so much.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I haven't like that. So like weed's the most I've done, but I've heard I've done all types of drugs and I'm just like, well, I have never even thought about it. I've never felt the need to do any of any heavier drugs.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Because reputation for a religious person is everything. It doesn't matter how you truly live. I know. But the thing is, like my parents, they're super involved with the church still. And all my siblings are super involved with the church. All my siblings are married. All my siblings have children. And I've just decided that I don't want that for myself. And so when I do attend church,
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
like family functions, it's always like, like, I'll put it this way. Like I'll ask my dad, Hey, I want advice. What would you do in my position? And I'll start off by saying that. And he'll be like, I would repent. And I was like, can I just tell my story and ask for your opinion? He's like, it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, you just need to repent.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
So everything always goes back to me needing to repent.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
That's right. Because I told her, hey, I'm happy for you and I'm happy to see that you've gotten married because that's always what you've wanted. I'm just not happy with the way you went about it.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Good. My name is Stacey. I'm 30 from Toronto, Ontario. My best friend married my first cousin and I need to know if I should cut her off.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
You know, you had you had another listener come on here talking about that, where she wrote her mom a letter regarding her not wanting to be a part of the same religion. And that really stuck out to me. I don't know if you remember that episode you did.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah, exactly. Like, it's been almost a year. So I've been listening to you for many years now. And I feel like I've developed myself emotionally and with my communication quite a lot since listening to you and the way that you see things because you have such a great perspective on things. And so I take everything I've learned from you. And I was telling my friend everything.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And so on, we had our Thanksgiving last Monday. And so I had sent her a message on the Monday that with Thanksgiving, like I'm so thankful for you. And she just sent me the most beautiful message back saying how she puts her friendship with me. Like she thanks God for our friendship more than she thanks God for her fiance at the time and how I've taught her how to communicate well.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And I've taught her how to, Stop being impulsive. And I've taught her all these great things that you have taught me. And so in a way, it's just having my own situation. I like forgetting everything. Like, what do I do? How do I act normal?
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And that's what I think it comes down to. And that's when I, that's why I get sad because a person who doesn't know who I really am has so much to say about who I am as a person to be able to influence how a friendship proceeds.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
It's just my family. And it always comes down to the religious aspects of things.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And I figured I might, which is why I needed a man's perspective that is not involved emotionally to give me their opinion.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
because every Sunday I get the same question, are you coming to church today? And every Sunday I give them the same, no, I am not. And I don't feel bad to say, no, I am not. And I don't feel bad to say, I don't think that the way we were raised is what it is. I always kind of,
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
question my parents, like, how are you going to tell a person who was raised in a different religion that the way they were raised is wrong and that you are right? Like, how do I know that the way I was raised is the way, the truth, the light, the only way. And so I kind of push back with my immediate family. But when my parents start hearing things from
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
the extended family and they look bad i feel responsible for their reputation being in a bad way it's not your fault that's what i said too like in a way like i feel bad and then the other way it's like god will take care of that judgment because that's between them and god it has nothing to do with me because i didn't do what they're saying i did really
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
So then do you recommend I apologize for the way I initially reacted? Like, should I? I think I should leave. What I need to say to my friend.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I've been hearing you ask me this question all week long. And I don't care to be right. I don't need to be right.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I guess it just, yeah, it gets like sticky because she has asked me so much when it comes to life because, She always says to me, like, you have so much more life experience. So she's always asking for my opinion on things.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
It just seems a bit grew up in a super Pentecostal upbringing. We were super religious and no one gets married faster than two horny Christians. I 100% believe that. And the whole reason why she got married on a whim was to stop sinning. So I was telling her like, there's so many other sins involved, not just the one that if you do that, I just don't think you're thinking ahead.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
You're not wrong. I might be. I haven't been aware of it. I like to think that I can be self-aware, but I've never had anyone tell me that I talk down to her. But when I look back, I can see... I have probably made her feel that way.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
For sure. I have thought that so I can see why you would think that.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
yeah out of nowhere like definitely little things like this like shame definitely it's a generational trauma that has been passed from our grandparents down to our parents down to us and i see that and i see what it does and i never realized that i was also just as bad so thank you well we're all we are only human um well hopefully this was helpful yes i appreciate you i i uh i think your friend will probably show up and if she doesn't it's probably has something to do with uh your cousin
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
So do you think I should go to Thanksgiving to my cousin's place?
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah, no, definitely can give you an update. All right. I when I do talk to her.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
So she didn't tell any of her family that she was going to get married. She didn't tell any of her siblings. She has a family of 11. And I know you can relate to that. So she didn't invite none of her sisters. She didn't say anything, but all of his siblings were there and all of his people were there. And so is he religious? He grew up religious. I wouldn't say he practices religion at this time.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Hi, I'm Claire. I'm 38 years old, and I'm having a problem dating because I'm self-sabotaging a lot, and I feel like I'm a bit of a red flag.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I think I tend to get a little overwhelmed very easily, so I end up ghosting. or I kind of lead people on a little bit. And I also feel like I can be a little bit of a red flag because I'm a single mom by choice. So I have my kids full time, which also makes dating very difficult.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I was in a relationship. I was actually engaged. That ended. I was kind of full on committed to that. When it ended, I was kind of already in the position of wanting children and wanting a family. So I dated for about two years and then just decided to go for it on my own.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
That's where I kind of flip-flop. I might sound like I contradict myself a bit during this, but it's kind of how my mind is working and what I need help with. But I really do imagine having somebody in mind in my kid's life, you know, somebody involved with their sport, someone who just integrates really well with us. So ideally, I do feel like I genuinely want that. I'm just having trouble...
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Even stepping into first aid or getting that going, I feel like I've swung so far on the independent woman kind of side that I don't know how to swing back into the middle.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah, that is definitely how it sounded. I think it's a perfect balance of the two. One of my biggest fears is not having that male presence or somebody who could have a good impact on my kids' lives. But I definitely want to kind of keep that separated at the beginning, make sure it's a romantic partner that's for me.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
But long term, I guess I kind of picture somebody meshing well with all three of us.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
No, I haven't spoken to my dad since I was 18. I don't have any brothers. And I think that this kind of adds on top of this issue that I'm having with kind of having a healthy male relationship.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I do have some, like I have a couple of girlfriends who have husbands who are definitely there for my kids, but I guess I just really do want to get out of my head and be able to have a relationship myself with somebody that I can kind of work my life that I've built around with them.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah, and that makes sense. I'm definitely not looking for... like a baby daddy or dad to step in. Like, I don't need that. I, I've got things under control myself. So I'm not going out there trying to fill that position essentially.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
But when you said like chasing buck boys, I do definitely feel like I'm doing that because I'm scared of the commitment of somebody who is looking for something healthy. If that makes any sense.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
No, I was after I had my second, but it's expensive and it's hard to justify that right now with my kids being young, I guess. But I think my issue is the commitment side of things. I'll get it.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
set up with somebody who seems really great and who's is looking for a healthy relationship, isn't afraid of somebody with kids and I'll get a text message from them and I instantly feel like I'm panicking about having to respond and having to set up a date and I'm self-sabotaging to get out of that situation.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Um, he was kind of a more traditional background. He wanted to have sons. We ended up with me and my sister. And after my mom couldn't get pregnant again, he sort of checked out. And then my mom left him. I think I was going into sixth grade and he never kind of really stayed in the picture at all. And when I was 18, he moved away and we never heard from him again.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I searched him on Google, but he doesn't seem to want to maintain a relationship with my sister or I. How do you know that? We haven't. From family friends that are still in contact with him.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
That he's not interested in connecting with us. Myself and my sister both have kids. He's not interested in getting to know them.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
abandonment right you know but you're gonna have to figure that you're gonna have to deal with that at some point you know yeah i just um i feel like i've i've tried to kind of work through that i feel like i'm positive about the situation because i wouldn't be who i am today if i didn't go through all that but it's definitely played a role in my life i've never had a long-term relationship outside of the engagement i was in which was just under three years why did that end
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
It was kind of a buildup for about six months leading up to it. He gambled a lot. He drank a lot. So I was frustrated with that. He also worked out of town. So I really only saw him part time, which also kind of maybe messed my head because it was like I was in a relationship, but only half the time. And then ultimately he called it off. And if I'm honest, when he called it off, I was shocked.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
So when she met my cousin, when we were heading down to where he's from, my father had told her, whatever you do, don't get involved with those guys that you're about to meet. And she had never met them. She didn't really care to meet them at the time. When we had driven down to his state, she was just coming fresh out of telling her coworker that she had developed strong feelings for him.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah. Cause I, there was a few times I got him to go into therapy with me. There was a few times where I said I was done, I was ready to be done. And then it felt like when he finally agreed, he had always kind of talked to me, like talked me into staying with him. And when he finally kind of agreed, it was, like I could finally be okay with it, if that makes sense.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
No, really. It was kind of postpartum more issues. So it wasn't linked with that.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah, no, that completely makes sense. I want to go to therapy and I feel like I try and use like techniques at home to sort of work through stuff myself. But you're right, having somebody to talk to would definitely help me.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I think that I need to work on myself for sure before I can bring somebody else into the picture. I mean, I tried dating somebody. It ended at the end of February last year, and he was very clingy, like really needy. So I felt really overwhelmed very quickly by how much he was expecting to want me around and need me around. And yeah, maybe a therapist could help me figure out how to...
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And she was getting over that heartbreak and the entire ride down. She just read her Bible, cried and prayed. And so when we met my cousin, I know how my cousin is. And I said to him, look, she takes her relationship with Jesus super serious. She doesn't want to have sex before marriage. Please leave her alone because I know you're not like that.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And so maybe he, he was definitely not my person. That's the thing is like what I find when I do try and focus on the healthier side of finding somebody is When I do come up with an issue or a reason to call it off, I don't have regrets on it, but it's these guys that I'm being introduced to, or I'm being set up with that.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I'm kind of blowing off really quickly that those are the ones that I'll regret a couple of weeks later. And I'm like, why did I do that? Or why am I getting in my, like, why am I allowing myself to get in my head so much and be so concerned with actually trying to meet somebody?
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah, there was somebody that I actually went to high school with him, but we weren't connected in high school. I just knew who he was. And the first year after my son was born, we went on a couple of dates, but I was a brand new mom. That was my first child. And I just wasn't ready at that point to go. commit to something. I wasn't sure if I wanted a second.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I didn't really know what was going on. So I kind of strung him along a little bit and then ended it. So I kind of figured he was pissed off. And then about a month ago, he reached out again to me to see how I am and if he could take me out. And I seemed, I felt excited that he reached out again and that he was, that interest was still there.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
But as soon as I kind of set a date, set a plan to meet up, I instantly got in my head and ended up canceling on him. Okay.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Well, I did. And the part I'm having trouble with is I sent him a message just kind of saying, I'm not entirely sure that I'm looking for something right now. I'm not sure.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And so I'm asking you out of respect to just leave her alone. And he was like, watch how fast I can get her in bed with me. And that was I felt like was his mission and his only mission. And so since he said that to you, point blank. Yeah. In my face.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
That is possible. I just feel like I expressed to her prior to her getting married that if she did have an elopement without inviting me or she knew that she was going to elope, that if she did that, I would be personally upset about it because she's my best friend. I introduced her to my cousin. And I expressed my feelings prior to, and she completely disregarded how I felt.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I know it kills me that my kids have a grandfather. that they don't know about. So like, and the way that I had kids, they don't, they'll, they don't have a grandpa on the other side. Right. So they have one grand, like one grandparent, my mom, who's in the picture. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I've definitely told them about my situation with my dad. But I think that until I had children, I don't think it quite impacted me the same way as it does maybe now that I have kids. It's more emotional now to me that I'm a parent and I see how my parents treated me.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
No. I, I've thought about writing a letter. I listened to your podcast. So I've, I've thought about, you know, writing the letter, whether I send it or not.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I did. And she was like, she didn't care to see him at the time. And so the next time they had met after their initial meeting was in Detroit. And I decided to go with her. She asked me if I could chaperone her weekend with him. And I said, no problem. And so the first day we get there and they were going to go for a walk early in the morning and I want to give them their space.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I did write him a letter when I was 18. Okay. So he checked out, moved away. I didn't see him through my whole high school years. And I did write him a letter at that time telling him basically all the things he missed out on in my life and kind of told him that I was separating myself from him. So he would have gotten that maybe before.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
he took it very literally and just felt like that's why he was never going to reach out again. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Uh, but in fact, I don't even know his address, but anyways, I can find that maybe you can figure that out if you really want it to.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah, both times was like connecting on a dating app. So like the first time I saw him on there and we were like, oh, we went to high school together. The second time he reached out like on about a month ago was on Hinge, which I had my profile paused, but my married friend wanted to see what it was all about. I had it paused specifically because...
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I felt like I was using Hinge kind of as an ego boost more than anything else. And he reached out because my profile had been unpaused. And that's how we kind of connected that way.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And I feel like if I were to have ran into him at a bar or something like that and been able to just have that casual meetup, it would have gone completely different than almost the pressure I feel of setting a date and doing all these things.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And I did kind of tell him that I think the first time what went wrong was that I felt really overwhelmed by, you know, being a mother and dating and having a full-time job and all these things. So I did say... you know, I want to take this very casually, but he still kind of put the pressure on of, you know, messaging me every day and telling me I'm beautiful already. And he hadn't even seen me.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Maybe I should just go on a bunch of first dates to get my, over my fear of it.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Like she's 31, he's 25. So there is a bit of a gap there. And so I wanted to give them space and they said they'd be back in a couple of hours. They went and did their walk and I waited and waited and waited. I didn't want to text and pester them. But 10 hours later, they came back to the house. And they left me there with no food, no water, no keys to the car.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah. And I never really saw, even when my parents were together, it wasn't, uh,
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
healthy relationship they slept in separate beds they did all that so i feel like i've also never really been privy to seeing how something can be long term and so the idea of that does scare me because it's so foreign to me yeah your dad's a loser sorry i mean there's a lot of them out there um yeah yeah uh yeah i know a lot i know a lot of them um it's crazy um how's the relationship with mom
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
great she's very supportive I feel like almost too supportive in this single mom independent side just because she kind of went through being that herself so when I told her the way I wanted to have kids she was she pushed it a lot she really liked that but did mom ever find love again supportive she's dated a few people I think the longest relationship was maybe like A year or two. Okay. But no.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
therapy you know I don't think she would ever my sister and I've kind of tried to push her to consider that and I don't think that that's something that she well I doubt she's gonna jump believes in old dog new tricks but I know maybe you want to do it together but you maybe you can show her how it's done I can learn yeah
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I definitely feel like that's something I've thought a lot about is my mom's life and where she's ended up. Do I want the same?
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And I, they finally come back and they're like, oh, how's it going? And I'm like, I'm starving. I'm so glad you guys are back. Let's go get dinner. And they're like, no, we just had steak dinner. And I'm looking at them like I'm number one, your cousin and number two, your brother. the other person, your best friend. Like you guys could have just texted me. Hey, you idiot.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
It was like that with the guy I was engaged to a little bit. She always wanted me to be happy, but she was quick to jump when something went wrong.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Can I ask a question about being a single mom by choice?
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I don't know what it's like to be a single mom. Again, let's pretend I've worked through everything and I am getting back out there. I have been told by numerous men that I've tried to connect with or linked with that the way that I had kids is crazy and unattractive. So I'm curious on, do I tell somebody up front? Do I...
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
not tell again like this is all like once i feel better about myself and i feel more established and i've worked through things i'm just i have that struggle of if i tell that share that side of my life and at what point i should that's a tough one because yeah i am told i'm crazy a lot well i don't think they're your person yeah oh yeah it definitely weeds them out very quickly
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I'm going to go get food. You guys should, you should order some Uber. Did you text them or something?
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I didn't because I wanted to give them privacy. I didn't want to pester them. I was like, I figured they'd be back eventually. They said you'd be gone for a few hours. And so when they came back,
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I was like okay let's let's go eat and so once I figured that out I was like okay clearly like I'm not a consideration which is fine because obviously when you first fall in love and somebody's paying you attention and you're in la la land you're not thinking about did that person eat did that person drink you're just worried about you and the person you're with and so when they came back and told me that I was so confused and then at that time
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah, it's kind of become what's defined me. Like a lot of people... like my friends, if they're introducing me to somebody, like even at a gathering, they'll be like, oh yeah, she's a sperm donor. Oh yeah, she's a single mom by choice.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
That clinging guy that I broke up with in February, he referred to me, he wouldn't use my name to his friends and he referred to me as single mom. And I was like, there's more to me than just that.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Fair. But yeah, that kind of has become my identity to a lot of people.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah. People are just so excited about it being so unique.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely something I could fit into my budget. I just, I think, like you said, I just need to shift that mentality.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Well, I don't know. I'm sure your kids will be fine.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
they pretty much told me that I would be sleeping in a separate room and they'd be taking a bedroom together. And I just felt like she's grown enough. He's grown enough. I'm not going to get in between that. And then ever since that weekend, like it's just been, I've expressed to her many times where I was like, I don't think you're making the right decision here. I don't think he, um,
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
It's going good. My name is Miranda. I'm 27 years old. And I'm wondering if I should end my six year relationship.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Boyfriend. We've been together for six years. We met when I was working. We were both working in the same office and we kind of hit it off as friends. And here we are six years later.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I've been doing a lot of self work and a lot of like really evaluating the relationship and seeing it for what it is. And last year we kind of went through a really hard time where we both were going through career changes. He lost his job and I was going to school and it was all very chaotic and I decided that I should move out from living together. We were living together for almost two years.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And I moved out because I really was noticing that we weren't having a lot of dates. We were both kind of living in two different realities. And I kind of lost myself. I lost who I was. I was a person. I didn't recognize myself almost. And I moved out making that decision. And really I wanted to break up at the time, but I saw how heartbroken he was. So I stayed. Now a year later, I'm moving.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
approves of who you are as a person. And I don't see this going well. And so in the long run, he's been upset with her over multiple things like her watching Love is Blind. He was like, I would never be with a woman that watches trash reality TV.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I've been living with my parents and I just feel so content with where I'm at career wise. And he got a great job as well, but I feel like he still doesn't have, he's not grateful for it or he doesn't appreciate it. And I, really am working towards my career. And I really, I'm noticing that he just, he has a very narrow mindset.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah. I felt emotionally responsible. I love him. He's a great guy.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Um, I love him as a person and I would like to think I'm in love with him. I feel like when we, when I did move out and then he started planning dates and he was really like going extra and really doing that, I feel like I was like, okay, we have a spark back. Like we're like finally together.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
But then as now a year later has progressed, I almost feel like we've fallen into that pattern where it's like, we're too comfortable. And now he's not doing the things that he was doing before. And then now I'm just like now with an open mind, And not an open mind, but an open perspective of I'm realizing, wait, now we're going back to the same routine.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
He treats me good, but I feel like sometimes he doesn't understand me. Maybe my humor or maybe how I think sometimes.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Kind of like laughing at my jokes, but also he said something last Wednesday, which I thought was kind of weird. He said, we were talking, it was a conversation about age. And I was telling him that by 35, I hope to be in a better position that I am career wise, like where I'm at in my goals in life. And he said,
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
oh, by 35, you'll be dead, which I know he was joking, but it was almost like, do you really think like that?
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
and infiltrates her mind with that garbage and ignored her for an entire week and who was there to have her back it was me and there's all these little things where she used to i don't know if i'm allowed to speak about the devil's lettuce on your podcast what's the devil's lettuce marijuana oh yeah you're kidding me
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Well, we talk about age in a sense like, no, not like that. Hopefully not. But it's more like he has a bad relationship with age and he thinks aging is bad. Like when you're 40, you're like done. He just turned 30.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Well, I'd hope to be married. I don't want children, so neither of us do want children. Really living together again and having that relationship of marriage. I mean, I wanted to get married, but now I don't know if I do, especially with him.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I never wanted kids when I was younger. I never wanted kids. Even now, I have a nephew and he's the greatest thing in the world. It's a lot to raise a child. And one thing too, I feel like if I were to have a child, I would want to be with someone who was very giving. Because I am a giving person and my boyfriend, he's self-fulfilling to himself, pretty selfish.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And as I am as well with my time, I could still be able to give that time to a child.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Well, I, I'm still an apprentice and what I, and what I do. So, Once I finish that, which will probably be in about six months, then I get to fully work and get clients on my own and start promoting myself in the industry that I'm in.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Terribly. Yeah, it was pretty bad. He was emotional the whole time. I was as well. He was very broken up about it.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
So she used to use a dab pen and he told her from the very beginning, like, look, I would not be with you if you smoke weed. Like, I don't want to be with somebody that partakes in that. And so she said, I'll quit for you. And so that was two years ago. A year in would have been last year. She told me, I have to confess, I've been taking edibles this entire time. So I'm not smoking.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
He's patient. Lately now, if I am upset, he's more patient and understanding and, and being that way, but also just like in life almost, I feel like he's patient, but almost, I feel like he's also nonchalant. What do you mean? So like in moving out, like, I don't, I don't see like he has goals and moving out and,
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
and doing stuff like that, or going up the ladder, let's say in work wise, like he's almost cool about just being neutral.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Probably a passion, a passion over ambition and passion, ambition, just something feeling good. like you are passionate about what you're doing, not necessarily ambitious, but I mean, I feel like they both kind of work hand in hand.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I feel like we had a conversation last year about him doing more for the relationship, but I didn't really speak up about him having to have a passion or goals or et cetera, because I don't want to,
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
i don't know i i feel like i don't i don't know i just i didn't know that's not something that i talked to him about i don't know how well he'll take it but because i don't want to feel like exactly like i'm putting him down that he doesn't have any goals like that i don't yeah it's a tough one but it's you know sometimes tough love is necessary you know yeah i feel like that's kind of almost like mothering him in a way
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I mean, also, I guess like it also makes, I have to be the one to, if I want to have like, power, motivation. Like I would have to be the one to make that power move. I guess it's hard because I've never really broken up with, I've never broken up with someone like that. So it's kind of scary to do that and be the consequence of someone's heartbreak.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I probably have seen him in that light of like, there's not really much going on.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I'm not lying to him because I'm not smoking. But now I'm ingesting it. And so I told her you have two options to tell him the truth and let him know who you are so he can love you for who you are or you quit and just never say anything. Don't just bury it in the backyard and let it go.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Kind of sucks. Like when we first started dating, he did have goals and then they just all faded.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I, we did have a conversation about it probably like maybe a year or so ago, maybe two.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
He doesn't. I don't know. I feel like maybe he kind of just doesn't express himself a lot in that way. And I'm noticing that and I've been noticing that for a while. He almost doesn't like to talk about hard subjects when it comes to like probably like jobs or goals and stuff like that. I'm noticing he really doesn't like to talk about any of that.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
He's like, oh, like, oh, we're having dinner right now. Like, it's not the time. I wanted to have a good time.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
So on Monday, when I told her like, as a best friend, I would never get married to anybody without wanting at least my best friend to know like, hey, one of my cousins could have FaceTimed me so I could have been there if she wanted me there. I'm not trying to say like, this is what you should have done. This is what I would have wanted to see from her as an initiative.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I mean, I work in a really good area, and I know there's a lot of potential there and et cetera. But yeah, I guess it's just the fear, the comfortability that I have.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I guess I see that pattern with my family of the complacency and just Being together and I see that and I said to myself a long time ago that I would not be with a man if I wasn't engaged for five years and I'm six years and now that I'm not engaged, I'm kind of almost happy I'm not.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And so I was telling her as a best friend, I would never do that to you. I can't allow you to tell people we're best friends because I don't feel like we're best friends anymore. We can be family. We have no choice at this point. You've married into the family. Welcome to the family. But I don't think we're best friends.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I said this when I was younger because I saw that with my family.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And I feel like I'm comfortable with the patience in that because the partner that I do eventually want to have is going to have a lot of qualities that I hope to find.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And I think her guilty conscience got the best of her because she started spiraling out of control a few days ago. And she also, my parents own a commercial cleaning business and she's an employee. She quit an hour before she was supposed to show up to her shift. And my sister has a baby shower on the weekend and she texts her saying, hey, I know I said I was coming. I'm no longer coming.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I lost a lot of friends actually when I started dating him. I did kind of isolate myself and I've now rekindled with those friends and I'm almost seeing the part of me that I lost.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
That's what I'm scared about. It's like telling him that straight up.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't want him to stay with me out of pity.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I will send your gift to your home. So I sent her a message like, hey, I think you're like you're emotionally spiraling out of control right now. I'm trying to get a hold of her and she's just sending me straight to voicemail, straight to voicemail. And come to find out, she decided four days after she married my cousin to tell him the truth that she's been taking edibles for the last two years.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Honestly, I need like hobbies. I need to continue doing what I'm doing and
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I have stuff over there at his house still, so I got to pack that up.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I think so. I mean, I want to, I don't want this to keep lingering.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
It's, it's just, yeah, I, I just, I guess I do feel just emotionally responsible and I don't grow up that he needs to work out.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
Yes. I can take her to the park. kept busy with her.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
She did elope. Yes. She ended up eloping and they invited all of his siblings and one of our other uncles to be a part of it. So she knew on Monday that she was going to get married on Thursday. And then she sent me a photo Thursday night of her holding a marriage certificate.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
I don't know. And her and I are supposed to get together actually this evening to kind of discuss everything. And I don't know how to come into this because I'm the type of person that I get over things really quick. I can see that humans are flawed and people do things without thinking about them. I just don't know if I could trust her to have my back and to consider my feelings moving forward.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And so that's where I was going to draw a boundary to just say, hey, we can work together. We can coexist together. That's not a problem. But I just don't want to spend every day with you because that's what we were doing for the last two years. We were working together on a daily basis. We go to the same gym together and she actually canceled her membership.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
She said she doesn't want to come to the gym anymore. So she's now kind of turned it where she's avoiding me. And I don't know how to approach the situation at this time.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
So since I've emailed you, what I've considered is that I don't need to cut her off. I can just keep it super amicable and cordial, but there's a sticky situation here. My best friend and I, we own a business together and we operate together. So we have a cleaning business and I knew that eventually she wouldn't need to move away.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
It's just hard because like my cousin is completely estranged from his parents due to this relationship with my friend, because they were saying like, if you're going to marry Stacy's best friend, how do you think your girlfriend acts? So they think because I don't go to church and I don't follow the religion we grew up in. that I'm just like a totally loose screw.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
And they've come up with a ton of different rumors. I spent some time living in Massachusetts. I spent some time living throughout the States and they started rumors that my friend had lived with me and had a train ran on her because I set that up for her. And by train, you mean like sexually? Yes. And so they're coming up with all of these rumors and then saying that they heard from their source.
The Viall Files
E846 Ask Nick - Religious Gossip
My auntie and uncle. Yeah, that's right. And so it got to the point where my friend had told me, I had to tell your cousin to stop talking bad about you. And if he had nothing nice to say about you, to not discuss my friendship with you whatsoever. That's a good friend. In the back of my head, I'm just kind of sitting here like, what did I... I haven't done anything to these people.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
And as of late, it's kind of just like plateaued.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
So we were kind of in this conversation where he's, he's a really crappy texter. Like he takes like a day or two to respond to my texts and our texts are more like lengthy and in depth. So I always thought that that was like, okay. But the one day he had kind of said to me, oh, sorry that I like suck at texting. I'm not interested in keeping you waiting, blah, blah, blah.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
I was like, okay, that was kind of out of nowhere, but I wasn't sure. like where he was coming from for that. And we decided that he wasn't ready or in a position in his life to kind of progress things. But I was willing to more so like take a step back and meet him where he was at. And so I had sent him a text message a week later saying I was good to keep things more casual.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
And he wrote back being like, okay, can I get back to you? And I was like, yeah, sure. And then that was three weeks ago and he's just gone. not ever gotten back to me.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
No, I think what really stuck to me was, um, like he treated me with a lot of respect and,
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Yeah, opening up the door, wiping the snow off, you know, putting on my jacket for me, like that type of stuff. And then, you know, I also noticed that even though he sucked at, like,
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
texting back at in a decent time frame like he was also not on his phone like with me and a lot of people like we we know a lot of the same people and they were always like oh he's he's great like he's such a good guy good like good for you type of thing so kind of like reassured like okay like this is
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
this is a good one I'm going after for it wasn't someone that was like I had typically gone for in my past so it was like new but yeah so I'm I'm just kind of like stumped thinking like you know he kind of just I mean he kind of told me he didn't want to progress things and when uh we had got together um one night after he had sent that text message we talked about it in person and
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
And he had kind of said that he was so busy with work that he didn't have the capacity or he didn't want to feel more weight on him, like in the girlfriend style. But he's like, your wife material. If you want a boyfriend, you totally deserve it. You should go after it. But like, I can't do that now.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
And then he also told me to protect myself, which I know I was thinking, I was like, oh gosh, I was like, if I write into Nick and I tell this and he's going to be like, if someone tells you to protect yourself against them, then like you'd be a fool not to believe them type of thing. Right.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Well, before this whole like situation happened, we had gone on three dates.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Yeah. And I thought it was like fireworks. That's what I thought of my dicks and ties because I thought it was like great.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
I don't know. I feel like I need someone to, like, tell me, which, like, my friends have been telling me, but I need someone to tell me, be like, get over it type of thing.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Or like just because this is like one of the first guys to treat me like with respect. Is that why I am like hesitant to like keep walking away type of thing?
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Well, no, it's not that I'm not going to give up on him. I mean, I haven't reached out.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Yeah. I think I was just hopeful that like if I were to like see him out and about that, like maybe like we could rekindle.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Right. Yeah. So you believe in the whole like if he wanted to, he would type of thing. Like if a guy is interested in you, it doesn't matter how busy they are in their schedule.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Yeah, when we had a conversation about that, he said he didn't see kids in his future. He didn't want kids, and he didn't even know what he wanted in his future in terms of a wife and a family.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Yeah, I would like my family, like a family and kids.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
It's sad. I mean, him, I think he's healed some wounds that I didn't realize were still there. So it served its purpose in the end.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Well, just in terms of that, I was going for guys that really treated me like shit. So it's like, why was I going for these guys and giving guys time?
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
i'm not really dating to be honest and like if i hook up with guys like it was more like traveling it wasn't really from like where i live and that was just more like you just hooked up and you just kind of moved on uh guys would i travel with yes or i would still like i still talk to them but it's more like but it's pretty cash yeah yeah yeah yeah so what about men that you've dated
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
I would say I haven't really dated a lot. I dated in high school, which counts in a way, and then I had one relationship.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
I think they were just from my university days that I would meet guys at bars type of thing.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Yes. I mean, I dated someone and we broke up like three or four years ago, but yeah, that's it.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
I'm finding it hard to even like meet people. The apps suck. I mean, I went back on Hinge and there's one guy I'm talking to and I'm not sure like how that would like work out, but I'm not really meeting people out in like real life. So I don't know where I'm supposed to meet someone that like I would potentially see as a partner or someone that I would want to date with.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Or like on like an adventure type of thing, like excursion. Okay.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Right. Yeah, I wasn't I before that guy had even said that he wasn't like he didn't have the time for me. I was like, Whoa, I didn't even know that that's like, yeah, I thought some of the things that we had talked about, he could lead into a potential partner, but I didn't even like decide in my head if I had had feelings for him, or he was someone that I saw myself dating, like,
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
It kind of like we got in this conversation and then like, that's when like a real, what are we type of conversation was had. And I was like, that was kind of premature. Like we were just hanging out and seeing how it was going. And then now it's like, okay, no, nevermind.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Yeah. My thought was kind of coming into play was that like my ego was like, oh, I can't believe it type of thing. And like the rejection kind of like.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Yeah. When, when I wrote in to speak with you, it was like the first week after we had just stopped talking. So, and then like, I've been processing it the last couple of weeks and I'm like, okay, I think I'm good with like where I'm at with it, but I just wanted more of that like validation and like reassurance from you.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Cause all like everything that you're saying, I've already like process in my head and I'm in therapy. And we talked, we talked about this, like with my therapist and about, okay, like,
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
This is someone who's been showing new things for me, but okay, now it's my turn to kind of write on paper what I do want from a partner and what are things that I'll be looking for in non-negotiables and that type of stuff. So if anything, he showed me some qualities that I will now demand type of thing in my next partner.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Yeah, sorry. Well, yeah, not demand. They must open my door, but like things that I won't like settle for type of without.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Yeah, I think you're right. Because I think I spent the majority of like my 20s traveling and working and working to travel and then taking like five, six weeks off to go do that. So then I wouldn't have time to date. So that always got put on a back burner. But I also didn't I didn't really want to date. Like I didn't want to open myself up to like potentially get hurt again.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
So now that like I'm in a spot in my life where I feel like I have my ducks in a row, I'm ready to kind of take that like next chapter of life with someone else. Like it is like discouraging when someone who I thought like maybe could have been someone cool to date didn't feel the same. Like that's where like the ego and like the rejections, like, God damn, like, okay.
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
So, you know, I, I was in the accepting part of it. I just wanted to,
The Viall Files
E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend
Yeah, that's something that my therapist and I are talking about right now is that like the famous quote of would you rather love and lost or just like not kind of love at all. And I feel like I've always led towards that rather just never known what it was. So then I'm not missing it after it's like been lost, you know?
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Hi, I'm Lauren. I'm 25 and my male friend who is engaged is still flirting with me. My company and his company work together. So I have to communicate with him for work and I'm also his friend.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Well, I did. I kind of do. I should say, I think he kind of does too. Oh, okay.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Well, there's a backstory here. Are you ready for this?
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
All right. So last summer, I'm fresh out of a relationship that was very serious. He's fresh out of a relationship. We've known each other for about a year now. And we go out for drinks. We share a really passionate kiss. He said some pretty intimate things about me to me, what he wants to do to me. And I was like, wait a second. I was like, there's vibes between us. Yes.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
He said something along the lines about how... His tongue works very well and he would want to go down on me and do that.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
And better than he, and he was very confident too. Mind you, Nick, he was like, I think I can definitely beat all the other guys that have done that to you.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Obviously I'm like blushing at this point. Right. And yeah, I mean, a little blurry, right? Because we were drinking, but I don't forget that feeling. I was like, wait a second. I'm like, definitely down to do something. But he was saying these things, didn't want to do anything in that moment. So I was like, all right. You didn't or he didn't? We didn't. We didn't do anything besides kiss.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Well, we were in the middle of a street making out on the side of my car. okay but like neither of you it was like should we go back to my place or i kind of hinted at that and he was like no we got work tomorrow and i was like oh all right i'm like i'm assuming we're gonna put a pin in this then yeah yeah or until next time and then but there was no next time There was no next time.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
And that's where it gets really complicated and confusing. Because after that, I texted him and I started texting him in a flirty way. And I was like, all right, great. Like, this is kind of the vibe now. We're just going to be like having fun together. And he kind of like shot it right down. And I was like, oh, all right, I guess that's not the vibe.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
And I guess we have to maintain our professional relationship, right? Because we're like both working with each other and not under the same company, both. our companies work together. So I was like, okay, that's fine. Then he starts getting very flirty with me. Months go on, that flirtationship is there. It's strong.
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
So I'm at the point of, okay, this guy is interested, but not interested enough to make a move. And me and my friends are kind of like, all right, we're kind of getting over this. Like, Love that he's saying flirty things to me, but he's not acting on it. And it's getting kind of old. And he would text me, you know, where are you at at night? And what are you doing? And like sexual innuendos.
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
And I'm like, all right, not sure what we're doing here with this. A couple months later, after that kiss, I was messaging with his friend. Friend invites me down to the bar with him and his friend. And his friend goes to the bathroom. He looks at me and he goes, I just want to let you know, I'm so sorry, but I've been leading you on these past several months.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
And I was like, this came out of nowhere. And he goes, yeah, there's actually a girl in the picture. We just started dating.
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
yes so said that and i looked at him i said okay i was like so you're gonna tell me all the sexual attention that we have we're just gonna throw it in the back alleyway and know that it's there and it remains there but we're never gonna act on it or do anything or try anything he goes nope but he goes i really respect and value you and like you're such a good friend and i just want to keep you around that was your but that was your response you weren't the sexual tension
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Oh, of course I was pissed. I was livid in that moment. I was kind of just, it felt like a slap in the face. I was like, what are we doing here? I'm like, how are you going to leave me on for so many months? And I said this to him, I said, how are you going to leave me on for so many months? And then all of a sudden dropped this bomb on me. Like, where was your head at?
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Yeah, well, I was just kind of like... I'm just kind of like, well, what the F? Like, what are we doing here? Why would you kind of do this?
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
And there's the breadcrumbing. It's like almost benefiting his ego of knowing that he has that.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Well, I was fresh out of a relationship, mind you, when we first shared that kiss. So, of course, I was like, and I'll admit it, like, I like the attention, right? I was hurt. My ego was bruised. And I was like, oh, there's a guy that's flirting with me. So that was nice. I'm like... Did I know in the moment that I didn't need to have anything fresh out of a breakup? Definitely.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
I was totally cognizant of that. But at the same time, it's nice, right? You're like, oh, someone's interested in me.
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
And that's where things probably took a turn. And that's probably where my boundaries dropped, right? Letting him flirt with me. Well, flirting's fun.
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Well, and that's where it gets spicy. Because that next month after he was like, yeah, so I was leading you on. I just happened to meet a girl. Very casually said, it's Friday night. I get a text. Hey. got to talk to you about something super serious. I'm thinking, okay, maybe it's work related. He goes, I just want to let you know that I'm getting engaged tomorrow.
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
And I don't want you to be alarmed when you see the engagement photos posted on Instagram. And again, he pulls up and mind you, this is the girl that he had broken up with right before he kissed me that summer.
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Not the girl. He said the girl he said at the bar was his ex-girlfriend of three years.
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
So I was like, wait. So, yeah. So we got back together with her. I had no idea. He's never mentioned her. He doesn't post about her on social media. So how was I supposed to know this until those engagement photos came out? So he sends me this long text of like, I just want to say messaging. I just want to let you know I value you. I appreciate you. I respect you. You're such a badass.
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Like, I still want to keep you in my life. I've talked about you in therapy. Like, you're just, you know, a part of my journey. But I'm getting back together with this girl. And we really tried working things out. So somewhere in between the kiss we shared and his engagement, he bought a ring for this girl. And I had absolutely no idea.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
He's still flirting with me. You're letting it months into his engagement.
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Oh, I'd be pissed. Cause I've been cheated on before.
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
I still have to communicate with this guy for work. So I can't not speak to him and just cut him off.
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Yeah. I think it's like the attention factor too. Like it's nice to have that attention on you, but right. Like the other side of me is like, what the fuck am I doing? Like, this is, this is ridiculous.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
And how am I allowing this? So I guess my thing is like, how do I put up these boundaries? Because quite frankly, like this guy is going to, he's not my husband. He's going to be someone else's husband. And like, I don't want this. Right. But it's like, how do I put up those boundaries?
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Let him know that this is wrong. Can't happen again. Obviously he has a whole other relationship that he needs to focus on a whole future that he needs to focus on.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
No, I hear you. And that's why I'm like, it's, you're right. It's like, it's gone on too long. And I'm like, all right, this like needs to be cut. Cause it's, it's getting long. It's getting drawn out. It's yeah. It's getting embarrassing.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Yeah, I'm not hanging out with him, like, outside of work. Like, I'm not... I have not seen him other than work settings. So, like... Yeah, you become his work wife.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Time to bring out the scissors and cut that real fast.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Yeah. Black style. Just, like, definitely a gut punch, right?
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Yeah. I don't know. That's like, yeah, I think that's the, that's the tough part. It was right. It's like the, the ego is coming into play here. And if I put that aside, like I guess that side of me is like, what the fuck are we doing here?
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
There's no, we like, yeah, I don't mean we, as in me and him, I said, we, as in me, all the, yeah,
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
I allowed that boundary to cross and then for other boundaries to get across. So yeah.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
I was just going to say I'm going to tell my therapist on Friday, so...
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
I haven't really because there's other trauma going on in life and that's life.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Oh, you know, life. You know, work. Well, it's all connected. Adults, yes. So, hot girl with stomach issues, you know, all the things.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
Yeah, sounds about right. I got to do that. I'll get to work. Thank you for the homework.
The Viall Files
E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
No, I completely agree because I know my values and my worth. I know what I want. And this is none of that. It's the complete opposite. So it's like, you're right. I think there is some soul searching to do here of why am I letting something like this happen when I know what's wrong?
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E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’
yeah all right all right good luck cut it off um thank you yeah no like seriously you have inspired me like i this is the kick in the ass i needed because like you said like of course all the girlies are like oh my god like that's horrible but like hearing you say this like a male perspective is like kind of the nail in the coffin here you are allowing him to embarrass you yeah it's not a good feeling and it's all around bad vibes so
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
You definitely hit that. Like, I do think my body was telling me something. And when he threw the phone at me, like, I don't know if it was like just trying to call my bluff because he knew that like if he gave me the phone, like I wouldn't. I don't know. And there is a part of me that kind of just wishes I had just did it.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And even if I was, you know, the bad guy in that situation, at least I would have had that clarity. But, you know, I can't change it. But I also don't want to.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And I mean, he's going to ask me about this call. So it's going to be there's going to be a window of opportunity to talk about it.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah. And that was like the thing too, is it's like, I got in my head a little bit more like, you know, he also said like, Oh, I had a long day. And like, you know, he has been like quick to temper sometimes because of like all the stress he's under. So then he kind of said that was like, that played a part too. And I was like, well, like, I kind of see that maybe like,
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
but I think that also was me just trying to take like kind of the easy way out of it.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
you know and that's not i'm in a bad mood i had a long day like why the fuck are you going through my phone like really like really yeah no that makes sense so that's what i do yeah and then i guess i just have to he's he's someone who is very good at work with words i will say that like he's just he's very intelligent he's good with words so i think sometimes like that's where i'll get tripped up because like we'll go back and forth and then eventually i feel like
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, I think I did say that, like, obviously a couple weeks ago. But I think at one point I was like, well, can you see that this looks bad?
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Hi, my name is Lauren. I'm 29 and I'm trying to figure out why my husband freaked out when I opened his Instagram.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, and I kind of want to say, I promise no matter what it is, we're going to work through it, but there also is a part of me.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Right. Cause that's the thing. Like, that's what I worry about. Like if worse, I'm like my worst case on that situation, it's just like, there is something going on. He was like talking to somebody. My worst fear is like, you're not going to tell me because you think I won't ever forgive you.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
So I'm nosy, to be honest with you. So like if my husband's like phone goes off, I'll just like look. I'm like, oh, like what's your dad say? Like just normal, like whatever. I'm just nosy. And he was doing dishes and I was just kind of sitting with him. We were chatting and an Instagram like notification popped up and I said, oh, you've got an you know, notification on your Instagram.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah. And I guess like my worst case scenario, like if he just doubles down and like sticks to the story of, he just didn't want to miss the reels or whatever it is on Instagram. I don't know. It's like, then what, you know, cause he, he is stubborn. So if he decides that he's going to stick to that, that's what it's going to be.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
If you ask my husband, he would say probably yes. Sometimes I make things bigger than they are.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah. I mean, I think that there's been like, I don't want to say history of that, but I think there's been times where like, I may think like the worst or something if I don't hear or like something unexpected happens and I'm like, wait, what? What's going on? But I also feel like, I don't, I don't know.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And I opened it and he immediately kind of started yelling at me and telling me to like close out of it like immediately. And I was kind of like, wait, what? Why? And I'm not on Instagram anymore, really. I don't use it very often. So I don't know.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I just, I feel like in this situation, like he might say like, I'm making more of it what it is. Like, in his mind, it wasn't even that, like, big of a deal, or so he says to me.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, no. And that's how I felt in that in that moment. But then I just like I could. And again, I wasn't coming like you have now given me some really good advice that I can kind of go into the conversation very differently because at the time, like, well, first of all, I was heated.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
So like there was a lot of emotion, but I definitely was all like I was asking questions like I wasn't like very confident that I knew something was up. It was just like I thought something was up.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And I mean, he did say that. He said, what can I do to like help you feel better about this? So I guess like I should have said, just tell me the truth, whatever it is.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
His explanation was basically like if he looks at like reels or stories or whatever, if you open it and then close it and then open it again, you miss stuff, I guess. I don't know. That was kind of the explanation I was given. And I was pissed and I acted that way.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I didn't look at it. I immediately closed it because he started yelling at me.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, he did. Well, he basically was just like and that he said he doesn't care. And like he then after as we were like getting into an argument, he's like through his phone. I mean, he's like, go through it. I don't care. I have nothing to hide. So that's kind of where I like ended up letting it go because I was like, all right.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Hi, Nick. I'm Lexi. I'm 33 years old. And I had an affair during my marriage. And I spent my entire relationship with my ex-boyfriend paying for it.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
No, he was not. I met him about a month after my... I separated from my ex-husband. I wasn't divorced yet. But the time that I had separated from my ex-husband was also the same time that I had ended things with the person that I had the affair with. So when I met my boyfriend, I was no longer talking to the person that I had the affair with.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
But about two years into our relationship, he found out about it.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I'm going to start crying, but it mostly was that I just didn't want to tell him what was going on. He had gone through my phone multiple times. He had looked through my emails. He had looked through my DMs, seen pictures of me on this guy's. page, like just a couple pictures of me, but it wasn't anything that was like we were in a relationship. It didn't give that vibe.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
But I didn't go through it because I also didn't want to like act like I was accusing him of something. It was just it was just a really weird. It was weird.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
But eventually, you know, he saw some emails in my phone and he was wondering, why are you calling him babe? What kind of relationship did you have with him? And I just thought, I can't keep living this lie anymore. I can't just keep saying that we were really close friends. So I eventually told him, I said, are you talking about your husband? No, I'm talking about my, my ex-boyfriend. Okay.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
My husband knew about it. Um, that wasn't the only cause of our marriage ending. My, my ex-husband wanted to work on
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
things but i just didn't want to anymore gotcha yeah so what do you mean like so he was what was he he was he going your ex-boyfriend going through your stuff yeah he was he would go through my phone in the middle of the night i would be sleeping he'd go through my phone he looked through my emails one time i got my wisdom teeth out and while he was waiting at the at the waiting room he looked through my phone as i was like passed out and then and were you still talking to the person you had an affair with while dating your ex-boyfriend
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
No, I wasn't. I tried to delete as many messages and emails as I could, but I missed some in my, my email.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah. Yeah. It was shady. It just felt really shady.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, it did definitely come up, but I just didn't want to. I knew that it was something in my past that I had, I felt like I was still paying for with my ex-husband and, you know, with the dissolution of our families. But I didn't feel like I needed to be honest about that because I just didn't want to keep like having to relive the mistake.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
through my through my relationship at the time and in hindsight I really should have because ultimately it it really led to like the downfall of our relationship was you know the lying and he wasn't sure if he could trust me by the time I finally told him you know yeah yeah as far as the affair did you ever discover or do any work on yourself to identify what caused you to have the affair
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Maybe like three weeks ago-ish, maybe four.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, I am currently in therapy. And at the time, during the end of my affair, I was in therapy at that time, but then I stopped for a little bit and then I went back to therapy. But I realized that I was just seeking a lot of attention at the time. I just had, you know, our third kid when I met this person that I had the affair with. And I felt very, I guess, invisible in a way.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I was home with the kids a lot and my ex-husband, he was busy at work. And when he would come home, he was still busy with other stuff that he needed to do. So I just felt very unattractive and very invisible. And throughout my relationship with my ex-husband, the intimacy was really lacking.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I always talk about how my kids are literally miracles because the number of times that we would have sex was like twice a year. And I had kids, like three kids back to back to back. I just didn't feel that connection with him.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
It was incredibly bad. They had... They went to court over three restraining orders. My ex-husband filed three restraining orders against my ex-boyfriend. Why? They were all dismissed. The first one was that he was being aggressive towards him when my ex-husband came to pick up my daughter from my house. And my ex-boyfriend went out there and he said, you know, you're not allowed to come in here.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And my ex-husband didn't like that when he filed a restraining order against that. That one got dropped. Then the second one happened because my ex-boyfriend went up to him during a football game for my son. And he said, you know, you're not allowed to speak to speak to Lexi in that way. You can't be rude to her. And my ex-husband said, I don't like how you're confronting me.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
So we haven't talked about it. To be honest, it's one of those things where like, and I listen to your podcast all the time and you always say, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? So it's one of those things where I was just like, eh, this was weird. I don't want to question it anymore. And I'd written in to you that night it happened and I didn't honestly think anything of it.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And so then he filed another restraining order. That one went to court and then it got dismissed because they settled. And the third time, it was over something else that was extremely similar to that, but it wasn't. There was no physical blows. It was just a lot of like tension and words. And it's literally two personalities that do not understand each other.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And my ex-husband is very gentle and my ex-boyfriend is very aggressive.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yes, they usually don't. I don't really know. My husband had spoken to me about it before, probably half a year ago.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I don't think so because he's spoken to me about it about six months ago. He sent me a message and he said, I know now that the restraining orders that I filed were hasty and I shouldn't have done that. So I think he was just feeling threatened at that time, maybe not physically, but just emotionally, you know, and his status as a dad and everything like that.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
We are still not good, mostly because of... I'm sorry I'm crying so much, but we are still not good, mostly because of my ex-boyfriend and our relationship and my need to kind of protect my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I wanted to make sure that my ex-husband... knew that there were boundaries between, you know, you can't come over to my place.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
You're filing restraining orders, get somebody, um, can't approach us in a parking lot. If you're, if you say that this person is a danger to you, but why are you approaching us? I just needed to create that physical and like distance. I just needed to create distance period between the both of us. And I've never, I've never, I've thought about kind of
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I kind of like moved on with my life. And then I got the response to come on. And I was like, and I told my husband about it. I didn't even tell him I'd written into you. And he immediately started spiraling. He's like, well, what are you going to say? Well, what is he going to say? And I was like, and he's like, I didn't even know it bothered you like still. And I was like, well, yeah.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
reconciling that difference a little bit now that my boyfriend is no longer in the picture, but I think it's just, it's too soon for that.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Oh, absolutely. Because I spent two years basically lying to my ex-husband. And then after that- And your ex-boyfriend. That's right. And then I continued that lie on for an additional two years. And eventually when it came out and I started telling the truth about things, it was too late. And it's not that I currently have that justification. I definitely justified it in the past. And I thought
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I certainly deserve some empathy for the fact that I lied because I didn't want to get in trouble, but now I see you just don't lie, period, because it's going to come out.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Well, I thought at the time when I told my ex-boyfriend about the affair, He also had a little dalliance with a girl that he told me not to be worried about during the first six months of our relationship. They had gone out one-on-one. She took him out for his birthday. He didn't go out with me on his birthday. They would meet up. They would flirt at work.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
He would invite her over to watch him play games and stuff like that and He had lied to me about it for two years. So kind of in conjunction with the time that my affair came out, I found out stuff about this girl. And it took me reaching out to the girl for her to actually send me pictures and let me know, like, this is the timeline.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And then for me to look through like his Venmo transaction history and see like that they did indeed, you know, hang out and she sent him money and things like that.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
So the time that I got divorced and the time that the affair ended was the same time. The time that I met my boyfriend was a month after that.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, because I was married for 10 years and I met my ex-husband when I was at college when I was 19. And, you know, he's the first person that I really considered an actual relationship with. And then right after that ended, I got into this relationship with this new person. So yeah, I'm definitely very uncomfortable. I'm 33. Okay.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I was like, I don't think about it, but it was shady. And like, I got like, you gave me your explanation, but it was shady. And like, I still feel like it's shady. Like, and he's like, well, what can I do to make you like not feel that way? And I was like, nothing really. Cause you acted that way. Like you can't undo that. How you acted was kind of my...
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I actually had somebody hit on me at Costco yesterday. And it's not like I was interested in looking or anything, but he said, can I have your number? And I said, no, I'm vibing alone for the foreseeable future. And he said, well, then can I give you my number so that when this foreseeable future is over, you can reach out? And I just said, I'm not going to use it.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I just know that it's important for me to learn how to be alone, but not feel lonely. And it's important for me to kind of get my own self-esteem back and build up what I really need to work on because I can't keep getting into relationships and expecting those relationships to fix me or make me feel like the way that I'm being is validated and just.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah. And I definitely see that because I didn't heal from that. And then I rushed into a relationship and Now I'm not only having to heal from the affair, but I'm now having to heal from this new relationship. And so it
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, kind of at the conclusion of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. The time that the secret about the affair came out was two years into our relationship. We were together for about three and a half. And so the next year and a half was very tumultuous. It was more tumultuous than it was before. But it kind of escalated to the point where we...
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
had broken up multiple times and he had left our place multiple times and come back and things like that. And I, as of four days ago, I just thought like, I, I owe it to my, to my kids to at least show them what a healthy boundary is like. If I can't show them a healthy relationship, it's healthy self-love. It's
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
being able to walk away from things that don't align with you anymore, that if somebody is mistreating you or speaking poorly to you and they keep doing that, then they should no longer be in your life.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, I had very, my parents growing up, you know, up until like I was 28 years old, I would have my mom just yell at me and start throwing stuff in my room and with my kids nearby and things like that. So I certainly feel the void of that love from my parents.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Our relationship now is a lot better, but I'm still very cautious because I just, every time I've trusted the relationship getting better, it just kind of slides back into things being bad.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah. But I've definitely come to terms with, I didn't have the healthiest childhood growing up. I had a mom who she felt that because her childhood was difficult, that mine needed to be as well. And I had a father who he was very stern with her sometimes, but he didn't really stand up for us when things were wrong. So I held a lot of resentment for him.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And then when I would try to go no contact with them because they were treating me poorly, even as an adult with you know, three children, they would still try to play the victim like, oh, so you don't want us in your kids' lives, then fine, you know, we'll leave. And I was like, no, I'm telling you, I want you in my kids' lives, but only if you're going to be healthy enough in their presence.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, so I definitely feel that I'm attention seeking.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah. About two months ago, when the dissolution of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend really started happening, he had broken up with me. And the next day he came back as he typically does. And he said, I'm so sorry. I want to get back together. And I just said, no, clearly we need to work on things and I'm happy working on things with you, but without this relationship hanging the balance.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
So then it kind of sort of became a situation, Jeff. And then it really like became something that was incredibly toxic and very, he wanted me to still he wanted to keep going at me for the affair and still keep asking me questions and still kind of keep making me relive it. But at some point I just said like, I don't want to keep doing that because I've given you all the answers.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And I, over the past year and a half, I've given you all the answers. We've talked about it as much as you can, you know, and it's just not healthy for us to keep resurrecting the problem essentially. And I wrote in my journal, like a week ago, I said something like, I'm so grateful that he let me go because, I knew that I wouldn't have done it.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
But him letting me go in that moment kind of start was the catalyst to really just seeing how the choices that I was making still in my relationship with him were just not the healthiest for me.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Well, he actually still has the keys to our apartment that we do share. So I really don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I'm kind of like afraid if that were to happen because his presence over the last like two months just kind of kept on making me scared. And I thought I shouldn't be, I shouldn't constantly be afraid of somebody being around me.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Hindsight is definitely 20, 20. A part of me is like, I feel like I should have just done it. And like, then if I was wrong, just be sorry and kind of move on. But I just, I don't know.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
i he he is very aggressive so you know he can get extremely angry his presence does make me afraid because i it's very like loud it's actually do people know this i mean do you have do you do you have friends in a inner circle to yeah i do uh one of my best friends she lives like 20 minutes away from me and she does know about this and but it's only just started kind of coming to light
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
could you ask i mean could you just reach out to him and say you know like as nice as possible like i mean he's planning on moving out correct as far as you know he's all his stuff is gone he hasn't lived here for the past two months ever since he broke up with me so everything's gone but he still has the key can you change the locks um his name is on the lease still so i don't know if i can change the locks but um i i can always see if they would let me or at least have some kind of
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, I've been paying the rent. I think that they just have a process where you have to have him sign off on it as well. And I just don't know if he would or if he would care to.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
We just moved in here like two months ago. So I have like 11 months left on my lease. I have a long time left on my lease. Yeah. Yeah. And he does have this habit of kind of coming in when I'm asleep and knocking on the bedroom door and wanting to talk to me in the middle of the night.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
He's woken me up multiple times in the middle of the night ever since he broke up with me two months ago and wanted to scream at me about something.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, I've definitely looked into getting at least one of those things that you like buy on Amazon and just put it on your door and it stops even if the lock is open, you know, it stops the door from opening.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, he would barge in probably whenever he wanted to. And also, I don't want to. I'm in this moment of like deep hurt. And while I'm feeling all these feelings, you know, missing the person that I thought he was or missing the future that we had planned together that never came to fruition.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I just don't want to have like a moment of weakness and feel like he would be able to talk to me about things because I...
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
finally was brave enough and smart enough to block him on everything you know so that he couldn't reach out he couldn't get to me unless he physically comes here and tries to see me yeah it's a tough situation i will i will certainly look into what it takes to get him off the lease at the very least if nothing else at least yeah you should at least have someone come in put some additional security or locks on your door so that he can't barge in in the middle of the night yeah yeah
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I'm definitely going to look into that and make something happen.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah. It's really crazy because he is in law enforcement.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And one time, you know, we were arguing up here and he was yelling at me, calling me names and our neighbor from downstairs came upstairs and and knocked on the door and said, you know, if I don't see her right now, and if I don't see that she's okay right now, I'm going to, I'm going to call and say that it's domestic violence. And then he got upset with me for that.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And, um, yeah, it was, so he's a, he's a cop. Yes, he is. He is.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I know. Yeah. Just one of those things that kind of makes like you your stomach turn a little bit. What do you think about him being still being in law enforcement?
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
He could. He could. I really don't know, but I don't see why he would think that he isn't protected. Because when the neighbor downstairs came upstairs, my ex-boyfriend was all like, you made me yell at you. You made me so upset and things like that. And I was just, you shouldn't yell.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Four days ago when I broke up with him and I blocked him on everything and I said, I never want to speak to you. I never want to talk to you ever again. You know, I'm done. Then I sent that text. I blocked him on everything and he showed up. I was sleeping and he knocks on my bedroom door and I'm just like, what are you doing here? He's just like, I just want you to know I love you.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I get that you're done. And I just sat there and I didn't say a single word. And then he left.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And I think that had that been the reaction, I probably would have been like, I don't know. Like I'm just nosy and weird. I don't know. But I think that's what triggered my reaction to was because he got so heated so quickly that I was like, oh my God, are you like hiding something? Like, why are you like, this seems so small to me. Like, it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, I do. I definitely plan to be alone for a while. I just need to establish some peace and some self-respect and work on things that I already do have rather than putting things that I do have to the wayside to try and get new things.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
We definitely do talk a lot about my ex-boyfriend because when I started meeting with her, things were still evolving with him. But it's been very insightful because it's a lot of what can you do about the situation now versus, you know, let's harp on what happened in the past. It's
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
what can you do if as a healthy Lexi versus an unhealthy Lexi, like what the person that you see yourself in three years, what would that person want the person today to do to get there?
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
So that's where I like, my thing is like, if it, if it was just more of like a, oh, you're just being nosy. That's weird. Why are you being so nosy? Why would the reaction be so intense and so like intent on me shutting it down like right then and there?
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah. I'm excited to just be me right now. I feel like I need to like come home to myself, but thank you, Nick.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
That's the thing. I don't know. And I think I just kind of I'm very good at compartmentalizing. That's a skill that I have. And so it's one of those things where I was like, OK, I don't know what to do with this. So I'm just going to not think about it ever again.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
and just kind of like not think about it or focus on it so then when this has come back up like and we had that conversation i was kind of like i just it's hot like i don't know because it's like he can't undo the reaction um but i also don't want to like i'm like i gotta go through your phone like give me your phone i'm gonna go through it like i don't want to be like that i mean you could just either you could just stick to your guns and say hey listen like i know you
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Hey, I am Jessica. I'm 33. And my ex says he wants his family back, but I just found out he got his hinge hookup pregnant.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
On a Facebook dating group called, Are We Dating the Same Guy?
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And it was sent by a friend as a screenshot.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
A lot. A lot of work that needed to be done. We did therapy, I felt after a while, I felt like nothing was really changing. And as a mother now, it's not about me anymore. It's also about most importantly, her and not having her in that type of environment. So I sat with it. And when I was ready, I made a decision to move.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
it's i need some tough love okay it's been we were together 12 years right um i probably should have left a long time ago okay um shoulda coulda woulda but but you but you did leave so that's but i did yes i did leave and i feel like a part of me still had some slight hope that he would do things not for me but for himself and do the work.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I feel a little blindsided, hurt, that he pretty much made me feel all year like he wanted us back, that he's willing to do the work, that this is, you know, to please give him a chance.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
um making me feel like it was up to me to make the decision if i have my dream family back or not and to feel like he his priorities were somewhere else hurts you know um that he didn't do the work he didn't go to therapy he was honest about it
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Um, and I know I've noticed it all year, but to find out that he, you know, got somebody else pregnant and that chance of me, that little glimmer of having my family back is like gone. And I need some, yeah, I do need the tough love to like, this is it, Jen. There's...
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And that's what makes it the hardest is knowing that essentially, you know, he, even after knowing that I found out all this information is still pleading with a chance.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
That's true. I didn't even think about it in this way, which is why I need it. I haven't shared with anybody. I've been sitting with it, processing it. And it's like, you know what you want to do and you just need to hear it from somebody else too.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
accepting this type of behavior from these types of men i needed to hear that because it's 12 years you know we 12 years of forgiving and always giving in and it was time yeah and it's it's time for me to officially close that chapter that idea
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
It's true. That's exactly it. All year, this entire year, that's what's been happening.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
It's exactly what I needed to hear. I know it. I know it is so hard not to keep falling into that wishful track of being hopeful and wishful that maybe now things will change. And then constantly hearing You know, they're willing to make the change that they want to do things and then coming to terms with reality of what it's always been. The priorities just weren't where they needed to be.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
And it happened. And it is the situation is what it is. And I need to focus on me. So, yeah, it's hard, especially with a little a little one definitely adds to the dynamic.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Thank you. I think you hit it on the nail. My family truly wasn't what I call was my family. I never saw it that way. And it's so true. Thank you. I needed to hear that.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I don't know. Like, cause I would hope that he would know like something that really wouldn't be that big of a deal to me. Like I'd be like, okay, whatever weirdo. Like I'd probably tease him about it. Like I'd roast him a little bit about it. And like, that wouldn't be a big deal to me.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
I will. I definitely will. And I love the show.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Then you tend to settle. And I think that's, that's been it. I feel like in my mind, I'm like 12 years, we've done so much, been through so much. We have a five-year-old and I tend to focus on that.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Thank you, Nick. I needed, this is why I wrote it. I needed someone to give me the tough love and just be honest, having a different perspective based on what I'm sharing. So thank you.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
So I would hope that he knows that. We've been together forever. We were high school sweethearts. We've been married for four years. We've been together for like 12. So we've been together a long time. We essentially grew up together. So I guess I would hope that he would know that that, like, it would be weird. And I'm like, you're weird. And then like, that would be it.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
But it wouldn't necessarily bother me. But is it possible that he thinks that would bother me? I guess that's like a possibility.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Um, I will say since we've had our son, it's been rougher. Um, you know, the first year of his life, I really became a mom and that became probably almost my entire identity being a mom. And, you know, he didn't share for a really long time how hard that was on him. And that he felt like he lost his wife in the process. And he kind of buried that and didn't tell me that for a really long time.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
So we ended up doing some counseling when I found that out. And we did work on some things. So I think things got better. And then he's had some job insecurity and some stresses with family and things like that. So I feel like in the opposite, it's kind of been true this last year.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Like his mental health has been really hard and it's been really hard to navigate because I also have a very tough demanding job. So it's like demanding everyone's mental health at work and then coming home to it as well. So that's been difficult. So we've definitely had some difficulties. And I think even recently we had an argument. It's just I think we're not connecting well.
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
So I think that's where like that little bit of fear comes in. Like, I don't think he would physically do anything, but would he look for something emotional? There is a part of me that's kind of like, maybe.
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Yeah, he I use the word spiraling and he didn't love that word. But it did kind of felt like when I told him that like I told him we talked about a little and then like maybe 20 minutes later, he brought it up again. And then I was like, oh, like we're talking about this again. OK. And then he I think it was like one other time he brought it up again. I was like, like, does this bother you?
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E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
Like, what do you not want me to like? I want to respect you. And he was just kind of like he he just said he was worried about like what I might say or what you might say or like. you know, he was worried about thoughts being put into my head. And I was like, well, that's not what it's for.
The Viall Files
E917 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend Stole My Job
That's very fair point. I would agree with that.
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E917 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend Stole My Job
I guarantee it. I guarantee that as well. And that's okay.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Hi, I'm good. I'm Hallie. I'm 25 and I have feelings for my friend who has a long distance girlfriend and I don't know if I should tell him or how to handle it.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Okay. So we met through work. We were interns together and then we like started our actual jobs and everything. And we were just like casual friends for a couple years. And then about a year and a half ago, me and my ex boyfriend broke up. And we just started getting closer, like his girlfriend's long distance. So it was very platonic. Like I was never even really attracted to him.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
So he was kind of just a good friend to like, give me advice and like be there for me during my breakup. Like literally,
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
at the office like we'd be getting coffee and stuff like that it wasn't like hanging out on our own or anything and then over time it just kind of developed into like a closer bond and I feel like the last maybe six months we've just been hanging out a lot more in actual like friendship ways I don't know like I think it was probably two months ago I was just out with him after like a work event and it just kind of hit me and I was like oh I like think I have feelings for this guy and I told my friends and they were like yeah like we can tell and my friends are like my
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
like family basically. So they know me so well. And they were like, yeah, like we obviously have known that. And I was like, okay. And it's just like been this weird thing because I don't know, like him and his girlfriend have been long distance, their whole relationship. They were friends when they were in high school. And I mean, I used to like
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
talk to him about his girlfriend and like give him advice and like always very genuine because I again like I didn't see him that way so it was easy to like be that friend but now it's getting to the point where I'm like okay like I can't be like disingenuous and like talk to him about this and like he really doesn't bring her up to me anymore and it's really awkward but I know that they're talking about having her move here and it's been kind of a long time where like she's supposed to move here but hasn't and
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
yeah she was like you should tell him like because what if he moves here and she was like what like how will you feel if she moves here basically and I literally started crying and I was like oh my god like I'm down bad so yeah it just made me realize like I think I need to do something but I'm also like one of those people like when I feel the urgency to do something I usually take that as a red flag like I usually think things should happen naturally and like whatever but I also don't want like her to move here and then I don't know like I'll always kind of wonder I guess
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And I know like, from I've listened to the show for so long, like, I know you always say this, but like, the friendship is really ruined already. And I'm aware of that. So I'm not like scared of ruining the friendship. I guess I'm just like, I know it's a complicated situation from his side. And like, I don't know, like, I don't know if it's the right thing to do.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I'm not someone who like wants to hit on someone that has a girlfriend. So the other thing too, is just like, I'm in a phase right now where I'm really not dating. So that's the other thing.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
part of it is it's like not like I'm looking for a boyfriend necessarily so it's like I wouldn't go on this timeline if there wasn't the like impending is your girlfriend gonna move here because I'm really trying to like like I'm rejecting dates like I'm not I'm not dating right now so but this feels different and like
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. So we don't like flirt. It's not flirty, but I don't think if I was her, I would like it. Like we hang out alone a lot. Like I think you hang out alone a lot. We'll go get like brunch together on the weekend or like we'll smoke weed together and like just go for a walk or something. And we have like really good conversation.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
So it's always the dynamic of like talking and like doing something.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
just like life, like I think we view the world in a really similar way. Like we both kind of had a hard upbringing in some ways, just like been through a lot. And like, I think we see the world in really similar ways and like are both really trying to like make our lives happy and like figure out who we want to be and like whatever in our twenties.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And like, I just, we align on a lot of things and are very compatible as like humans, but we don't like flirt. Like I'm not like hitting on him. Like, and that's one thing like my roommates will be like, maybe you should be like, and see if he reacts to it. But I'm like, I'm not going to do that. Well, that's good.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Well, like, so one thing that's really weird that happened is we went on a trip together with like friends, but it ended up being like a couple and me and him.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Like, I don't know. And like, he just doesn't really talk about her that much anymore. So like it used to be when we were friends, like it was a conversation. Like I'd be like, yeah, like you should do this, like trying to make the relationship better. And now like they don't talk. So I have no idea. But like if everyone I told that to was like, why are you going on this trip?
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And I was like, well, he invited me. And at first I didn't know it was going to be like those people. And then that was what it was. And it was just like weird. And like nothing happened. It wasn't like that. But like,
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
as a girl like I would never want my boyfriend like going on a trip like that you know and did you ever bring it up to him did you ever ask no and I thought about saying like does she know about like is this weird for you but I mean I didn't maybe it would have been a good opportunity to do it but I honestly didn't even know at that point that I really had the feeling so I was kind of like okay this is fine it's whatever but then once I realized I was like yeah retrospectively that was really weird
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Okay. And if I do, like, I guess my other thing, cause like everyone's been telling me, I just should just say it, but like, I don't know how. And that's like kind of what I also want your advice on is like, if I'm going to say it, like I'm not going to do anything. Like I want him to just like have the information and do what he wants with it, I guess.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Like, and I kind of thought you would say that. Cause like I watched the show enough, but I'm really nervous about how to do it. Like when to even say it.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I don't know. That's the hardest thing about it. Like I've been saying like, yeah, like the friendship's over. Like if his girlfriend moves here, like our dynamic won't be the same at all anyways. So it's kind of like, it's just a matter of time. But then like one of my friends said to me too, she's like, what if this is like more of a fleeting thing than you realize?
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And then you like mess up the friendship when you could have just like let it wrap, like see what happens kind of.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, exactly. That's 100 percent.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, it has. Because I don't want to like do this. Like, I feel weird. I feel like I can't be myself in the same way because I'm like holding part of it back. And like, that's not how I am.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, 100%. That's kind of what I'm starting to realize is it's not that friendship anyways. So like, I kind of have nothing to lose. I guess the other thing is like, if she doesn't move here, like, I mean, if they break up, then like, I don't know, like, then I guess.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
How long have they been together?
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Like two years, fully long distance.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Also for context, like it's a different country that she lives in. So like they see each other like three, four times a year. It's not like long distance, like a couple hour drive. Like they really don't see each other a lot. And like, there's been points where like, I think it was going to end.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
He like moved to the States, like from the country he lived in and like went to college here and like just kind of like made his way. So that's like something I really like about him too, is we're just kind of similar in that way of just like grinding and like
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
making our lives happen he's fully committed to the american life so to speak i don't know like that's another thing but also like i don't know if i am like there's been talk of moving to like europe which is something i've always wanted to do and like sure we really do align and like what our lives look like and i don't know i don't want to like do it based on that because i'm only 25 i think like so many things can change but i have thought about that that part of it like it's a there is a cultural thing there
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. Yeah. I do think I'm like, yeah, I think I can, if I tell him I'm going to be kind of like, I need distance. If he's like, no, sorry. Like I love my girlfriend. Like I would definitely be like, okay, I need like some space from the friendship. And like, maybe I get over my feelings and we can have like the friend group friendship that I have.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
But like, I wouldn't, I think if I say it, I know it's kind of like, we don't have the dynamic we used to have anymore.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Like, I think so because, like, I didn't even, like, realize it really till so recently. And I feel like since I've realized it, I've only seen him, like, twice in group settings. So it's been easier to, like, conceal. But I also don't know. And, like, the one time, like, when I realized it, like, in that instance, we were literally, like, on the street, like,
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
in the city we live in, like smoking a joint, like laughing and like bantering. And I was like, and when it hit me, like looking back, I'm like, I don't know how he could have like not felt what I was feeling. Cause it felt so strong to me. And like, I've had so many relationships and like,
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
i have guy friends like i don't have that connection with my guy friends it's not like it's like i have my girls like that's what i care about so it was like i don't know i just am like i don't get how he could not know this but also we've been friends for however many years of me being like very platonic so i could see how maybe he's like oh she just doesn't think of me like that and so maybe he's not thinking of it like that like he's like oh she's like a bro like whatever but i imagined you've uh stalked his girlfriend on social media yeah yeah yeah
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I, I mean, we're similar vibes, like hair and stuff. Like, I don't want to say I'm like prettier. Cause like, I think everyone's beautiful in their own ways, but I think maybe in like a classical sense, I'm prettier. I don't know.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
It's hard to say. I don't know. My friends are like, yeah, but,
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
No, we're similar vibes. Like we have same hair color, like similar sizes, that kind of thing. Yeah, for sure.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I don't know. I kind of wanted you to just tell me like, do it or don't do it.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I also will say, though, like, I know I'm saying it's, like, like, this is from my perspective. Like, my friends will be, like, he's in love with you. Like, we see it. Like, they're friends with him, too. They're, like, he's obsessed with you. Like, and he'll, like, grab me and, like, hug me and, like, do things.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
But, like, I guess it's flirty in that, like, maybe he does that, but I don't initiate it back because I'm, like, not like that. But I'm not going to say it's, like, he's not showing anything. Like, that's probably not true. Like, my friends would be, like, that's a lie. Like, if they heard me saying that, because I do think he shows some signs.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. Yeah, they are. They're, like, not girls that are going to, like, we're very close. They tell it to me straight. Like, if they're, like, he's not into it, you're crazy. Like, they'll say that to me.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
well shoot your shot i mean i you know there's no listen we can spitball here and workshop what you should say but it's not going to be how you say it that's going to make a difference you know what i'm saying do you think it's weird like can we like talk like like because i don't know if i'm going to see him before he leaves if i don't like initiate that because i have plans the next like two weekends yeah ask him to get together like i don't know i don't know how serious to make it or if i should try to make it like we're already hanging out and i just bring it up
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And I even said, like, is it weird if I go? And he was like, no, please come. Like, it'll be so fun. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I don't think that either. I think it's more about planting the seed. Like he's really in the mindset of like figuring out like if she's going to move here and stuff. So like, I know like it's probably going to be like a shock first of all. And I think it's also going to be like him thinking about it, but like, I kind of want to plant the seed before he leaves.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
So if he leaves and he like misses me, then it's like a good sign. And maybe that helps me.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I know that's what I was thinking. I just like, unfortunately I have frigging plans, of course, like the next two weekends. So I can't like, but usually like on Sundays we'll like hang out and just like smoke weed, go for a walk, get food, whatever. You can't hang out on a weeknight?
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
No, we can. I literally, I'm not lying. I actually have plans every night next week. I just, cause I'm fitting stuff in before I go home, but maybe I'll try to be like, like cancel something and be like, let's hang out one night.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
But let's say like, I know, I know that sounds like ridiculous.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Okay. Yeah. All right. That's a good point. Yeah. Maybe I'll just be like, do you want to like smoke and like get food or something before we leave and see. And also if like, he doesn't make the time, if I say that, then like, maybe I shouldn't be doing this.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
No, I should do this. I know that's just like my ego and like being nervous.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. Oh, that's good. Okay. Yeah. No, that actually is really helpful. Cause I've just been really having a hard time thinking of how I'm even going to start it.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I'm not doing this. Yeah. A hundred percent. And also like, I don't have guy friends like this. Like, yeah, I don't. And like, to your point, like platonic friends like that, like when you're straight, it's not realistic or sustainable. And it, yeah, I feel like what I'm saying is just like the obvious.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And I even said that to like my roommates when I was, I was thinking about telling him a different time where I was going to be like, do you realize we're like on a date right now? Like, cause we're like do these things and it's like weird. Um,
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Like not specifics, but like we talk about sex and like he'll talk about the fact that like he hates that he can never have sex basically. And like, I don't want to say this because I don't want people like listening to this to freak out. But like he's like said to me basically that like sex with his girlfriend is like not that good. And like that to me is like crossing a line.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
obviously but like when he said that to me i wasn't feeling like this yet it was still very platonic so when i when he said that i was like oh like he's saying it as a friend so then maybe it's less of a crossing like yeah i don't know i just again like i was wasn't in this mindset so i was kind of just like okay like guys are shitty sometimes and like say dumb shit but like i mean yeah
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
It's like a weird thing about it. It's like, there is this weird tension.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
It's just like, you know, but now I'm like attracted to him and I'm like, okay, like you're not even like, it's like, why are we even, why aren't we having sex? Oh, cause you have a girlfriend. Like it's weird.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, that's a good point.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
yeah that's a good point and like that's kind of why too i think it's like a good time that we're both about to like be out of our city for a while because like if i say it now and then he goes there and he's thinking about it you want him yeah you want him you want i want him to be like thinking about it yeah well yeah especially you know definitely tell him before he goes so that way it'll help him get clarity if he needs to get clarity yeah you know
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And I mean, if it doesn't go my way, I'll be fine. I'm not like, I can handle it.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Right. Okay. Yeah. That's really helpful. I think I have a better idea of like what I should say and everything. And I think I'll just this week be like, do you want to go for a walk? Cause we live right by each other. And so it doesn't have to be like carving out a night. It can just be like, let's just like go talk.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I'm really good. I dated my ex for two years. Like we broke up. I went no contact. Like he would text me, text me. I would be like, no. And he broke up with me. So I was like losing it. But I was like, absolutely not. I've been listening to your show for like three years at least. So I knew I was like, not we are not doing this.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. Okay. I will. Thank you. This is very helpful. I love your show. And I've probably referred 50 of my friends and like, they're definitely tired of me saying like, well, Nick would say this. So thank you for all the advice over the years.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
It definitely was. Thank you. All right. Take care. Have a good one. All right. You too.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Hi, my name is Lola. I'm 24.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
So we've dated for five months. I've met his family. He told me he loves me. When do I become his girlfriend?
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
It's more of a I'm in love with you.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yes. So he started as my gym crush. It was somebody that I kind of was eyeing out at the gym for a minute earlier this year. And I had a conversation with my friend and she was like, sometimes you just have to go get it and like take chance. So I actually went up to him and asked him for his name. He got my number and we've been talking since like early June. Now we've gone on a couple of dates.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
By the third date, we kind of solidified that we were exclusive. Okay. By the fourth date, it was kind of like he was more affectionate. And like I said, he dropped the L-bomb in like August. And honestly, I really like him too. I feel like.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, we were watching a movie and he said he dropped the L word. And I was kind of shocked because normally I like to take my time with people. I've never dated somebody like at this pace before. I'm the believer of like, you have to get to know somebody for at least six months before even seeing if it could go anywhere. But I also now believe because I'm going through it now that
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
you can feel some type of way or feel stronger about somebody and just getting to know them for a couple months. And I knew that like by the second month, if he had asked me to be his girlfriend, I would have said yes, which typically I wouldn't have done.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Okay. All right. How old are you again?
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I'm 24. How old is he? He's 23.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Okay. Fairly young. Yeah, I mean, whatever. It's only a year younger.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Oh, and I want to say, too, I think it was on our third date, we kind of talked about what kind of daters we were and kind of our history. He's only had one girlfriend. And I could tell he barely counts that as a girlfriend because it was in high school. So it wasn't used to talk about it as if it was like a huge... Probably wasn't, yeah.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. So and I've had I've been in three relationships and in each one I've taken my time. They've been long distance relationships as well. They've been two year relationships. So I feel like I kind of have a better feel of what I like and what I don't like. And with this person, it's just gone at a way like faster pace.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. So the first conversation we had was in August and it was because I went to a friend's gathering and we were talking about how long is too long before you can get to know somebody. to, you know, ask them there to be your girlfriend. And people were throwing out like four months, five months, six months. And then I was just like thinking about that.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And I saw him afterwards and we were talking and cause he had told me, you know, if somebody comes up to me and asks me like for my number, like, you know, ask me for a date or something. Like I, I already say I have a girlfriend and I was like, Oh, you, you do.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Right. But I and I said that as like, well, you've never really asked me out. I was like, so do you assume we're just dating?
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Well, yeah. So we agreed that we weren't talking to anybody else, that we weren't entertaining anything else, that we were going to take the time to get to know each other.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
So when we had that first conversation, I said, so you just assume I'm your girlfriend. And we talked about that. I said, I'm. a girl. I like those types of things. Like I would like to formally be asked. And he's like, you think I don't think about that. I want it to be special. So in August, when he said that, I was like, oh, that gave me hope of like, oh, maybe he's planning it.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Maybe he's going to come through with it. And now it's December and nothing's happened. And at this point, I feel like it's almost like a joke. We talk about it and kind of laugh about it. One time my sister called me out and said, you're in the gray area. You don't usually do this. It's either black and white for you. Why are you letting this guy keep you in this gray area?
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And I was like, oh my gosh, she's right. And so I brought it up again. I told him, I brought up the whole term of the gray area. He was like, what is that? And funny enough, in one of your Ask Nick episodes, you talked about the reason why a guy is willing to be exclusive with you, but not actually make you his girlfriend.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
So I played that clip and he was like, he laughed and he was like, he's totally right.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
that he's willing to like hook up with you, treat you like his girlfriend. But just in case, you know, if somebody, if another option comes up, that's better. Like it's kind of leaves that door open to take that step with somebody else if they wanted to.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
he agreed with you. He's like, Oh my gosh, I hate that. He's right. He's like, but quickly he was said, I don't think that's the situation we're in. So then that kind of left me confused because if you ask me, and I don't know if I have rose colored glasses on, but if you ask me, I don't think if somebody else were to come in the picture, Like he would take it.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I really think that it's just, you know, him and I, I don't think that he's interested or looking for other people to date.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
So that's what I was thinking in my head. I was like, am I too shallow for wanting that? But at the same time, I'm also a girl and I like those kinds of things. I'm used to that. But at what cost?
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Right. Yeah. And something that his mom, I think, asked him. This is where I kind of feel embarrassed. His mom had a conversation with him and said, oh, when did you make it official? And he's like, well, I haven't. She's like, what? Like, you guys aren't official. You never asked her out. And then he's like, no, mom, like I I know this is something that she's also brought up.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Like, I know I have to do it. So now I've gone over to his house multiple times. And like now seeing them, I feel like, am I settling? Or like, do they look at me differently? You know, I don't know. It's like I'm constantly in my head thinking about.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Because we're not official, even though we're acting like we are. I also think, well, had I not allowed certain things, maybe he would have asked me or maybe I don't know.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
It's... So, do you think I'm more than falling into... Because what you're saying is I'm falling into this, I guess, now society's, like, the steps that need to be taken... to be quote unquote boyfriend and girlfriend.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, I guess, too. It's like I come from a traditional, like, family who, and in my close circle, like that, those things are important. And I know that because this person has not met my family yet, because this is another little predicament. Because I've moved so fast with this person, my mom does not agree.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
She thinks that I also need to take my time and to get to know somebody before I actually date them. So that's another
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
pickle i'm dealing with but and i've also kind of used that as a an excuse to be like well at least he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend so i don't have to tell my mom you know but um it's almost like this again traditional like they have to ask you and then it's official it's you know you're talking to a very non-traditional guy um so listen uh you don't even share but but that's the thing is he doesn't even share that tradition you know so it's like
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
But in my head, it's like if you're if you're expressing that you think something is special and that you would want something, wouldn't the other person like want to do that?
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, I guess that's like what I... Yeah, I call it like a situationship, which I normally... I hate that term. I agree with you. I think it's dumb. I think you're either dating or you're not. And because I've never gone through this before, I've always just either been getting to know a guy or we've been dating. I've never been in this like...
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Again, gray area with somebody, even though it feels like we're totally dating, but just I've never gotten that question. So I'm like, technically we're not. So it's just like a back and forth in my head type.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yes. And prior to getting your advice, because it's been brought up multiple times, I just didn't know if I should have another conversation. Because in my head, I was like, if I keep bringing this up, it almost sounds like I'm begging somebody to do something that in my head should come from their own heart.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. So then another question is, if this, because I think I am more of the traditional, like, I like those kinds of things. Like, do I have to set a boundary somehow, if like, this doesn't happen? Because honestly, I don't think I'm willing. I would hate to lose this person.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Okay. That's important for you to know. Yes.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I would hate to lose this person, but I know that if I have a conversation with them and I say, hey, this is really important to me, it hasn't happened, obviously, even though we act like we totally are. It's almost like in my head, if I put a timeline to it, then I risk losing the person and almost standing on what I'm saying. If they don't ask me by a certain time, then we stop talking.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. I don't know if I'd totally feel like... at peace with that because again, I like that. I would want that special moment, but after listening to you, it's almost like then am I, again, I'm sacrificing my peace and my clarity.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I mean, it's just... Yeah, I guess because if he were to ask me tomorrow... What is your expectation?
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, and that's what I'm getting at. If he were to ask me tomorrow, I think nothing would really change because we're already a couple. I just didn't think about it that way.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. Yeah. And so in August when he said, I want it to be special. And I was like, now it's December. Like, what is he prepping for? I guess like.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And we talk about that. Like I'm, I, I would consider myself a very like romantic person. I've done like
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
things in hopes of like if i do certain things like one i want to show them that i care and i think it's cute to do certain things like to be romantic but obviously i have certain expectations too of the other person doing not the same things i do but like showing me in different ways to be like romantic and it's like in your opinion do you think if i almost
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Have that conversation and kind of just solidify we are boyfriend and girlfriend. Will that kind of take away from his efforts in the future? How can I still hold him up to an expectation of treating me special?
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I think he does, but I think there's definitely room for... in my opinion, I think I'm more romantic than he is.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Well, and we've talked about that. Um, so listen, that's all part.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Okay, so you suggest that I'm actually going to see him today. We're going on a double date. Depending on your advice, I was going to, well, regardless, I was going to try to play it cool and act like nothing. But do you think it's what I have to tell him? It shouldn't have to be too serious. It should just be like a casual, like,
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yes. Yeah. So time is of the essence and I'll have that quote unquote conversation. I don't think it's much of a conversation. It's just kind of solidifying what we already are. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Okay. Okay, well, then I will sit with what you said, have a conversation with myself. Because again, I am holding on to that like traditional, like step. And it is...
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
costing me a lot of like my clarity because it it does kind of fog my head a lot because month and month that keeps passing i'm like oh my gosh i feel like we're only getting closer and like nothing's happened closer to what but like we're no like our connection is just getting stronger great yeah and but time just keeps passing and it's like it's not like we hide you know from the world we're out there we're acting like a couple it's just i just haven't had the question asked and i guess i'm
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Good. My name is Alice. I'm 29 and I haven't been able to make any new connection in a year. So wondering how to get out of my dating rut.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. Maybe that's also like the point is I guess I'm not doing much about it. I'm finding it really hard. Okay.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I think like just opening up to someone new and like also just letting someone new in my space. I find that quite scary.
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E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Um, so yeah, basically I've been single for two years now. Um, and before that I was in a very serious relationship of, uh, yeah, five years where we lived together, had a cat together. Um, and then, so I ended that relationship two years ago or almost two years ago since then, obviously just kind of needed some time to get back to, you know, being an independent person and, uh, finding my groove.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I mean, basically, like, I've heard you guys talk about this a lot on this podcast, you know, this kind of like relationship where it starts and it's like amazing and we move in together and everything's great. And then we don't necessarily take care of like making our connection stronger over time.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And it felt like on my end, I was, yeah, doing therapy and just like trying to work on my life and my happiness a lot. And then he was, I just felt like quite depressed. And I tried to help him for a while and tried to, you know, give him cues of like how he could improve himself. And yeah, just also, you know, make our life a bit nicer. And he didn't take any of those.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
So it ended up with me having to kind of, yeah, throw in the towel and move on, which was obviously difficult, but also like I needed to do that. And it's been obviously a really good, uh, yeah, decision on my part.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
No, I think, yeah, like the definitely, I think like giving, giving that relationship up was like more easy to give him up, even a bit difficult to say and maybe horrible, but yeah, Then I think like maybe I hadn't quite made peace with the fact that I'm also like losing the relationship part or having like a partner and, you know, being someone's person.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And I think that's something that I'm struggling with right now.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, so I think like when I was freshly out of the relationship, I gave myself a few months. I didn't feel like quite ready to open up to anyone. And then I felt like, you know, summer was coming. Things were getting fun and I wanted to have some fun. So that was great.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And then so, yeah, I just kind of like dated people on apps and kind of just like friends of friends and just like acquaintances and stuff like this, which was fun until I basically met a guy who was part of my friends group. with whom I know I was interested. And then it just kind of happened. And then after that, we just had like this really intense situationship.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
So obviously still not ready to commit to anything. He was in the same similar position. We're having some fun and it was great. We're basically seeing each other like a lot. It was super intense. And then I realized I was kind of like catching feelings and it was kind of getting me again in like head fucks. And I was kind of just like, okay, well, I've, you know...
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
yeah did a lot to try and leave my previous relationship to kind of like get peace of mind so I'm not gonna try and get into something that like gets me into new head fucks so I just decided that it was better to just let leave it here so I told him that I thought it'd be better to just end it there so it was like I don't know maybe the better part of two months of a relationship and then after that I actually happened to be super hurt from this whole situation it just like kind of like lingered on for months and months and months and months which made me very like
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
emotionally unavailable um and then i was trying to date but why did it linger why did it linger
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
because um well we're part of the same group of friends um and he like yeah we'd like bump into each other he also would be like you know uh hitting me up in the dms and just like trying to get things going again not like in a serious way just kind of like you up and stuff like this would you have been interested in exploring something serious if he really wanted to
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
The thing is, like, at the time when I let it go, no, like, it just didn't even seem like a possibility, like, at all. But then, obviously, I don't know, it's just been, like, really hard to let go of this, like, what could have been situation with him. And he's, like, yeah, basically, like, up until now, like, it's been a year, like, we have never slept together again.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
We've never, like, you know, we've had, like, back and forth. It was a lot of, like, just, yeah, full push.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, just like, yeah, making a real connection with someone.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, something where I feel seen and... Where I feel like I can trust someone that they see me as a person.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And not just like a body to use.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I feel like I'm battling between these things where I feel like, yeah, I'm obviously enjoying a lot being single, living on my own for the first time. Having been in a relationship where things are not great by the end and just being able to just be like, well, this is me and no one's going to be there to...
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
tell me oh you've changed or you're doing this differently or like whatever like this is super enjoyable and just knowing that like yeah I can just do my own thing but also at the same time it doesn't feel like life is supposed to be met like lived on your own and I'm like I have a great circle of friends and they're all in beautiful amazing relationships and like
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
This is a type of group of friends where you're not just friends with one of the partners. It's like all of us. And it's just like, I'm the single friend. And it just makes me feel like I'm not dating. I'm enjoying being single. I want to meet someone. Like, how do we make these things meet in the middle?
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
It is very amplified when I'm surrounded by them.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
someone was to tell me like oh for a fact like I don't know down the line within your life even if it's like when I'm 57 you'll meet the love of your life and they're amazing and this is like you will you won't experience like loneliness forever and you will find your person then I feel like I'd be like enjoying this so much more okay and then tell yourself like open and then maybe like open myself up to like
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
exploring with other people or like, but then I'm just like kind of looking at every corner. Is it you? Is it you? And then like, I'm not talking to them and I don't let them talk to me. So it's like, how am I even going to even like, you know?
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. I kind of feel like, yeah, I need to be selective, but then at the same, like not selective, but obviously like just follow something that feels natural. Like, that's the thing. Like, I feel like so basically recently, like I've had one day, like literally one day in the last six months. And it was exciting. Like, he was just a guy from the apps.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And I was kind of, yeah, like, excited to go excited to meet him. He was slightly older than me, and like an artist and like, it just, you know, seemed fun. And then we did meet, and he was supposed to, like... He was kind of like, oh, yeah, like, don't have much time. I can just stay for, like, one drink or two.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And then we ended up, like, staying there for, like, five hours, having, like, drinks and drinks and drinks and just having, like, great chats and laughing a lot. He was, like, definitely flirty, like, you know, getting physical, like, you know, putting... holding like, I don't know, like my leg or something or whatever. And like, so all of the signs were green.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
He walked me back home and then basically like was completely not communicative on text. So I was kind of like trying to, you know, be like, hey, you around? Like, you know, do you want to do this? Like maybe once. And then he was like, oh, sorry, it wasn't on my phone. And then he was like, oh yeah, but for sure next week. And then never reached out. And then I'm just there waiting.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And I don't know, I think like a few days ago, my friend took my phone and just sent him like one last text just to see if it was me or if like, if I should just reach out and then something would happen. He just never responded. And I'm just like, what the hell? Like, you know, and then I'm just like, oh, how do I,
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
That's the thing. I wanted to see if a vibe would get going.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
yeah exactly yeah this is where I'm at yeah it's just like you know I've had enough sex in my life or it's just like I don't like I'm not like I don't need to like I'm not trying to go out and get laid so it's like yeah you know like it brings nothing to me like I think I did it like start of the summer I was like okay I need to prove to myself I can still do it so I just went on this date with this guy I didn't even really like him but I just wanted to see if I could like make it to the bed and so I did and it felt like
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Why did I even do that? Not a bad experience, but that brought nothing to my life.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
How do I do that? I'm on these apps and honestly, I have to convince myself that there might be something interesting about that person. I'm really trying to convince myself. That's what I'm saying.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, that's the thing. It's like the first version of that person you meet is like so great. And then, you know, a couple of weeks in and you're like, oh, wow, great. What a waste of my time.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm looking at these pictures and I'm like, would I introduce this person to my friends? Yeah.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I think it's, like, I don't know. I feel like, yeah, I'm definitely, like, not... being open to exploring people and i'm coming coming in any sort of like interest situation that i have with like maybe way more expectations in the balance than like there should be but then at the same time like this this situation ship that i had like last year yeah i i
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
just didn't expect that it would like rock me that hard and now I feel like obviously it's just made me like super guarded because I'm like well maybe if it doesn't even look like something that's gonna hurt like I might and I just have like a whole lot of like life situation right now where I have a lot of things to do and a lot of things to get to and it's like it completely derailed my mindset and for a long time and I feel like I can't really afford to
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
do that right now. But then at the same time, when I sit lonely, it's kind of like, well, I'm not even like putting myself out there.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Oh, because I was catching feelings and, and it wasn't like it, there was nothing to try and make happen. So I just decided to leave it where it was.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Um, because he was, he was very much in like, yeah, just out of a relationship. I mean, he was like party boy, fuck boy situation. Okay. So he like, I just, yeah, when we met, I just thought like it'd be one night and it would be fun.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
yeah we just had like instant um well the thing is yeah with him like he just kind of made it happen like I didn't even need to do anything he just like put his phone number in my phone told me to text him he was there a couple of hours at my house later then was the one to kind of like just lead the whole thing so I kind of I think I really enjoyed that he was giving me loads of validation I didn't expect him to even text me the next day and then like here we are like seeing each other like
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
three nights a week um you know texting every day so I just like yeah I think that it was just this thing of like he just took the lead he fancied me a lot he made me feel great um and then I was just like yeah surfing on this high um that it gave me so I think yeah there was this and then we had like loads of like like common interests like laugh at the same things we're the same friends like listen to the same music like the same sort of like activities so it's just like so smooth yeah and fun
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, that's kind of also how like I was kind of like on this first date with this guy that I saw recently, I was kind of like, oh, like I was kind of glad that he said he's got stuff to do in the morning and can't stay late because I was like, well, great, because that like puts that off the table.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And it's actually super nice for me to just come in and just be able to have a chat and see what's going on.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And for that not to be an option. And then I don't know, like he walked me home and I feel like he was being a bit physical and I was being quite like standoffish. Like I was obviously engaging with him, but I find it difficult to like have people come in my space. Not that I didn't like it, but it was obviously like a little bit like, whoa, okay.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
And then I thought maybe like, that's why he never contacted me again is because I like didn't give the vibe that, you know, this could.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. I don't know. After that, it like really did make me feel like, what is it about me? You know, like, why doesn't like, yeah, so stupid obviously, but like, why isn't he obsessed with me? Like,
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I guess I get a bit too excited. I guess, yeah, it was the first thing that happened in a while. It was surprisingly nice. I was expecting nothing, obviously. And then, yeah, it just like was this little confirmation of like, get off the apps. There's no point.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, I mean, it just did feel like there was a mutual, like... Sure. So it was surprising. Like, I was kind of just, like, excited. Oh, cool. Like, I'm excited to try and, like, see him again, see if there is something, like, in there. And then, like, for him not to, like, yeah.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, no, I understand that.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Because then I got excited and I didn't want to be on the apps. I was just kind of, like, focused on, you know, like, just seeing what happens here. Like, oh, great. I don't need to be, like, trying to find the next date because I... fucking big myself up and now I did it and I don't want to have to do it again.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, I think I have also this voice in my head where I feel like it's really lame.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
of me to like not even have fun with being single or like just putting so much like yeah overthinking into like tiny little things like the fact that i'm still holed up or like thinking about this guy that i saw like for a month or two last year like i don't know i feel like it's so yeah i think i'm like judging myself a lot also you are and this uh this situation ship and in this day it's i think fucking you up more than you even realize yeah no but you're right like
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Maybe I need to actually believe that I'm just going to meet my person at some point. You are. Everything in the middle is just like whatever.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah, I'm just like, yeah. I guess this is a lot of good reminders and need to... practice what i preach i guess and not yeah just think like i'm saying all these big things and then actually inside that is true yeah because yeah you're saying oh i'd be down to wait till i'm 50 and then you're acting like you need to have a boyfriend tomorrow Yeah, I'm super impatient with it.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
I just don't like this feeling and I'm judging myself. It's just like an uncomfortable seat I feel for myself.
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
Yeah. No, that's fair enough. I definitely need to Just accept what I did. I do play the film again and again sometimes where I'm like, should I have done that then?
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
can't wait it's all right well it's better than not feeling you know no no for sure i think i need to yeah take a take a step back from making all everything so serious and maybe just go on the date whatever if they don't look like they look on the picture or they kind of stink or i don't know well that's because i will i'll leave you with this yeah and i'll leave you with that last part because the not feeling thing is is it that actually happens because i reached that point i reached that point where i was like i don't feel anything anymore ever
The Viall Files
E866 Ask Nick - My Exclusive Non-Boyfriend w/ Mel Robbins
If anything happens in my life, that's worth noting off. All right.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
No, I think, no, I mean, she's not like leaving my life or anything, but I just feel like I don't, I feel like she's going to be depressed, like serious, like clinically.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. Um, not that I'm not, not like for, I guess, disappointing her, but just like, I don't want her to be upset and sad because just like emotionally, I feel like she's just been so sad and like, I don't want her to, like, she says things like, I'll never like some, I feel like I'll never be good enough for you, like for the situation or whatever.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I feel like my sister also is very, she does not care. Like she's always been like, I'm going to do what I want, like whatever. So I've been kind of like the one that she can, like I had the traditional wedding. Like I have this traditional, like, you know, college boyfriend, married house, baby. So I feel like she can kind of like,
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah, I think she also knows that it's a little bit ridiculous because she'll say something like, oh, I just need to go to... Get a therapist. I know it's too much, whatever. And I'm like, yeah.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I feel like I would try first, maybe just like asking her, what's her plan? Like, what are you thinking?
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I mean, she's, like, so, like, obsessed with wanting a grandkid.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I guess sometimes I just feel like maybe she's more, like, excited for the baby.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
And maybe it comes down to also me just feeling like, well, I'm your kid and like, this is my kid. So like.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
She feels very, I feel like she's very jealous with anything. You're doing this for your dad. You're doing this with the other in-laws. What about me? So I'm like,
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I definitely want to have the conversation. I just, I guess I'm just not sure. So if I want to say, I guess we just don't want you here at all or. Let's kind of see how it goes.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
She doesn't know. I mean, and she said it before, too. Like, you know, I kind of blew up at her once already. Like I told her, I feel like you're making my pregnancy about you. And she's like, I would never want to do that. But she is.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah, I did have the conversation with her already because she wanted two weeks at Christmas, too. And I said, I told her, like, dad can get a week and you can get a week. Like, that's only fair. And she threw a fit. And I was like, well, you did that to yourself when you got a divorce. Like, you have to split the time.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Well, no, just I mean, yeah, she did. But it was fine. Like they were not they were never divorced.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
My husband thinks that she's a lot. And so having her here would be also a lot like he likes her. It's just like when she's here, she's very involved and let me do this and let me do like, what are we doing?
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
And I don't think she would be like bad to have. It's just like you said, like managing her feelings while she's here. While we have a brand new baby, I think that might be the biggest thing.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. So tell her when it gets closer.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
He is very just like, he wants to keep our personal business personal. He wouldn't say anything. He doesn't air out any grievances. between anyone besides us.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Like we'll have disagreements and whatnot together. Sure. But if that goes beyond us, like he's not okay with that. I feel like it's hard for him to do like confrontation.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. It'll end up being me. I know, which is fine.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah, I was gonna say it certainly will. But I feel like, as you said, like, I should set up the boundaries now, at least, because what happens like, in a year when she's one, and my mom wants to take her for two weeks and go on a vacation with the baby, and I need to be able to tell her no, or like,
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
No, no, no. I'm just saying like, if there's, if something else comes up where, you know, I'm going to a wedding in May or whatever, and she's like, let the baby come stay with me. I'm probably not comfortable with that.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I mean, I'm open to like hearing that it might be okay. I'm just like really nervous for like, like I want, like this is my first kid. Like I want to be the one like doing all the things. And my husband only gets two weeks vacation right when she's born. So like, I just don't want her kind of like
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
And you shouldn't just tell her that.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. It's not, but we'll work on it.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
And she knows that it, like, I feel like she knows those emotions and stuff are ridiculous, but.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I'm sure she'll be a great grandparent and everything.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Not that I feel like she'd cut us off and like, it sounds bad, but I just like, I don't want anything to happen to her. Like she gets too upset. I don't know.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Dramatic. She's a little dramatic, I guess.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
hovering like telling me oh this is how you need to breastfeed like oh this is the right thing like we're both very like our way type of thing like very yeah i hear you i guess it just really comes down to what is your comfort level to have this you know i guess maybe tough conversation with mom
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I don't think she would either, but I do get every couple comments. Sometimes I'm like, it just makes me nervous.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Well, or she doesn't just rolls off. She doesn't think.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. Yeah. Well, maybe I'll tell her, hey, I'm going to get into therapy like you should do.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I think that's a really good way to approach it with him, too, because I know that's like all he wants is like to support me. And I know he would if it ever came down to like in the moment something was happening. I know he would say something, but I'm not so sure about ahead of time. But and I do feel like I should have the conversation with her.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Well, I was going to say maybe I'll maybe have my sister talk with her and just say that part. And then I'll have the, I, I definitely want to have a conversation with her in general, but just to say like, you are just so you know, like, even though you don't want to be stressing her out.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah, no. I mean, I'm like open to having the conversation with her. I just kind of like, I don't know when, I don't know if, because I feel like there's two, like you said, there's like two types of people who want to help when the baby comes, like people who want to help with your other tasks and people who want to help and like sit there and hold a baby. Whereas like,
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I'm fine with her helping us with our dogs, with the laundry, with whatever. But I don't necessarily want her being like, oh, let me take your baby so you can go do that.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I don't know if I'm going to feel like that.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
So my friend, I believe, stole from me, and I'm not sure how to confront her.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. So I as of yesterday, I believe it's three pairs of sunglasses. So what happened was we went on a trip over the weekend. She drove to my house. I drove us in my car. The weekend was great. When we got back, though, it was like a long car ride. I was like, I'm going to run inside and pee like all these things like I got to run in. I'm going to come back out for my stuff.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I feel like I'm going to be very like, this is my baby. I don't know. I already feel like that.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I was kind of rushing and she was like, no problem, no problem. Everything's all good. So my fiance cleaned my car the next day. When I come back in, I had three pairs of sunglasses. I don't know why I need that many, but I have three pairs in my center front console. And there was only one pair there. So I texted him like, hey, where'd you put all my extra stuff when you did my car?
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
And he was like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, I had like three pairs of sunglasses here. And he was like, no, there was just the one. And I'm like, that doesn't make sense. Like, did you throw it out? And he was like, no, I mean, Like, did your friend borrow them on your trip? And I said, no, but then I was like, oh my God.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Hi, I'm Alex. I'm 29 and I am struggling with how to tell my mom that I don't want her staying with me after my baby is born.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
But when we got home, like I went in to go to the bathroom, like she was unattended. Like that had to have been what happened. And then I thought to myself, I was like, okay, that's two pairs. And then I was like, ooh, you have that really cute pair in the center too. Like you should check. And I looked and there's a third pair that's also gone.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
So like definitely disappointing, obviously, because this has been a friend of mine for a long time.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah, so I would say I'm very observant. And these three pairs have lived in the front of my car since August. They have not left. I have not taken them out. They've been living there. And then all of a sudden, they weren't. And magically, after the one time I had someone else in my car, they happened to not be there. And so...
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
What I kind of and this friend, what I will say, we've been friends since a long, long time. We did room together in college where, you know, she she had her own kind of things that she was going through. And so this is not necessarily maybe the first time things have gone missing.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
So we I wouldn't say we hang out enough that it's like a borrow situation. Like we hang out maybe once a month and we sometimes keep in touch by text. It's kind of one of those like low maintenance friends where we keep in touch. We sometimes hang out, but like we're not on a basis where it's like, oh, I'll borrow this and I'll see you next weekend kind of a thing.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Well, I know how you should handle it.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
So I did that because I was like, I need her to know I know. I sent that text and then I didn't get a response. I sent that at like eight o'clock one night. I didn't get a response until like 1130 the next day. And it was just like, no, like haven't seen them. Like, oh, that's the worst. And I was like, yeah, that is weird.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
But like the other thing I thought about too that I noticed is the other thing that like now that I'm looking back and maybe I'm reading too much into it. When I had gotten back in my car later that day after we got back, there was a piece of like one of my like an envelope from my glove box was on the floor of my passenger seat. And like I don't have anything in the passenger side.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
So I was like, that's weird. How did that fall out? And I just like put it back in. But my fiance was like, she's definitely rifling through your shit. Like she definitely went in the front. took the glasses and then I had a different, like, I went through your glove box.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
No. Yeah. I live in a, I live in a nice, nice suburban area. I would be very shy. I live in a townhouse, like right near, like there's like old people live around me. Like it would be pretty shocking for someone to go. It just is the timing. Like I know for a fact I had that. How much do these glasses cost?
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
like listen this is not this is no louis vuitton like you know at the end of the day like because i got some gooder glasses you can get for 25 dollars um yeah because i'm i'm like listen at the end of the day like this is not a designer pair of sunglasses but it's i just feel like it's the principle like you don't like like you shouldn't steal from people let alone three pairs of sunglasses that like i know for a fact i keep in my car because they live there
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
So that's, I guess my question is like, now that I've kind of gave her the opportunity to say like, oh yeah, let me double check. Like, you know, I feel like I gave her the opportunity to like, be like, yeah, let me double check, you know, feel the guilt and then be like, oh my God. Yeah. They must've fallen in here. But we didn't do that.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
So my I guess I'm wondering, like, do I just you know, I already like don't see this person on a regular basis. Do I just keep that person at an arm's length until they reach out to me? But then part of me is like, I mean, she probably won't reach out to me. Obviously, we're not that good of friends.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
But I will say I did post some some photos recently and we commented on those like, oh, my God, like so awesome. And I was like, so I'm just like if this person texts me to hang out, like, do I like do I just like let this
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
let this kind of go keep her at a distance do i not have it like is this not a friend like i you know so i guess i'm just more like if that person does reach out because i'm certainly not going to make the initiative anytime soon you seem convinced that she took these glasses right yeah so we can only sit there we can only trust your gut here yeah if i were in your shoes
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. No, yeah. A hundred. Yeah. No, a hundred percent. And so I guess, you know, cause like from talking with people, they're like, Oh my God, just like get over it or whatever, this or that. And so it is disappointing just obviously, cause we've been friends for probably like over 10, over 10 years.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
And so I will say I'm surprised because in college, when we had a few snafus, like we've had many apart to hearts after where she acknowledged, like, you know, she had her own shit going on.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
she wasn't a good friend to me like i was like you know she's acknowledged in the past like those things and we've worked through that and she seems like she's in a really good place now but i guess obviously not you know to be or maybe you have like a sticky fingers habit i don't know but i guess i'm just gonna well it's just fucking weird it's just weird more than anything it'd be weird if she did this it's just weird yeah
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
And I mean, listen, I looked, I looked literally everywhere. Like there's like my, like my fiance, we looked through the car, we looked through the bat, like literally everything. He was like, like she a hundred percent like rifle through your shit and whatever. So I guess I'll do, you know, just keep her at an arm's length.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
And I guess I just wonder if she does text me again, like, Hey, like, do I just ignore it? Do I just, well, yeah, like I'm busy, you know?
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. I guess I just feel like obviously that's like uncomfortable to be like, hey, I know I already asked you and you said no, but I know you did anyway. Well, if you're so convinced. It's like ultimately, like, yeah, I would have to be stressed.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. I mean, that would be crazy, but hey, you never, you know, that could be, that could be true.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Well, I'm it's I would in like the person she was before I could see the person she is now. I'm surprised that like this is something that we're like, like still like we're still kind of having these like I am honestly surprised.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I guess other than the fact that she was the only one by herself in my car right before everything went missing.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. So I guess, you know, I just ignore. And if maybe she decides to turn a corner and, you know, fess up, which likely won't happen, but.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I don't know, I think I'll do what you said, just ignore and not really, you know, put like effort into the friendship, quote unquote, that I thought we had, I guess, you know, and I think I just have to like be okay with that and accept that, you know, like, that's obviously not a friend.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
And I have to stop turning it around on myself, like, because I'm like, Oh, my God, was I so annoying that weekend that like, and people are like, No, like, that's not a justification for stealing from someone. So I think I just have to, you know, face the hard truth and just move forward.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I feel too nervous to do that, to be honest. Why? I don't know. Cause I feel like, I don't know. I feel like if before it was like, no, no, like I haven't seen those. Like, I just don't, I don't know.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Like, I guess I'm afraid like to your point, like if I am like, I don't know if we'd admit it, but to your point without any proof, it's like, if I am wrong, I mean, but either way, it's like the friendship is,
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
sprayed regardless well that's what i'm saying you're willing to ghost this person and cut her off in your life that's not any less aggressive than you would confronting her right and i feel like i don't want to do that though you know what i mean like even though this is like a like a no-brainer like just with like the like you know like i because like i said like i i don't have
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
like a ton of friends like i have a few close people that i keep in touch with like so for me i'm kind of like oh man like i already don't kind of have a lot of friends like this i thought was but now i'm like oh my god do i even know anybody like why don't you have a lot of friends
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Well, I just, you know, I'm a little more like introverted and I've never really been like a type of person who's had like a big friend group. Like I've always had like a few close friends that aren't necessarily like intertwined with each other.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. I guess I guess the one of the few long term like friends from childhood that
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. Like you could go on Teemu and get a pair that matches.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
one or two times a day where you're like you know what honestly i need to rest my i need to rest my eyes uh i need a moment you know i'm open to that consideration do you think you have any i like any advice if i do want to go ahead and tell her i don't really want her i i would be okay with her coming like later on it's just those first two weeks
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Like, if you stole something from someone and then they texted you, like, hey, have you seen this? Would you be like, oh, shit, they know? Because, like, I would, but that's just how my brain works. Like, I don't, like, does she, like, I don't know. I'm like, does she, like, does she know I know? Does she actually think I'm, like, dumb and, like, not noticing? Or, like, I don't.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
But you're right. It is, overall, it is, it's weird.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I just can't think of any other explanation. Like the, like the timeline of it, like what I'm telling you, like these, like in the same spot, like.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yes, I think if it were... And I guess that kind of goes back to your point, though, right? Of like, let's take a look back and maybe see who this person really is. Because if it was someone else, my gut would not go to like, oh, they definitely took it.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. You know, just based on some past.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah, no, that makes total sense. I think I just, you know, I feel like I'm kind of like running it by people and getting all these different things. So I figured I would get a different unbiased outside opinion.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. Cause once it was like the two and listen, I know I shouldn't have like, why do I have like 10 pairs of sunglasses in my car? I don't know. But like once it was a two, I was like, all right. But then once I noticed, like, cause I was like, you know, like my gut again was like, you have that really cute cat eye pair and that other compartment in your car, you should check there. And I did.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
And like, they were gone. And I was like, okay. So once it got to there, I was leaning more towards like maybe we're just not friends and like that can be OK. And I shouldn't like, you know, like maybe I shouldn't even worry about her reaching out to me, because obviously, if you're going to do that, you're you don't care to reach out and hang out with me or keep in touch, you know.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
And she did say when our tech, she was like, I'll double check, but like, I don't think so. And then I was just like, okay. Cause I was like, yeah, I was literally like, yeah, it's so weird. Comma like sounds good. But like, she never responded after that.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
That's what my sister said. My sister said she will likely continue the lie and hope that it goes away quickly and we'll kind of avoid it until things pass over.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I want to, and I'm just really, I am like, I'm scared to do it. Cause now it's been like a couple of days. What could she do? Nothing.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. Yeah. Uh, well. I guess I'll mull it over. Either just confront head on or keep the distance and, you know.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
That's well, that was why when I was like, I'm going to text her. Cause in my brain, like the way my brain works, like if I took something from someone and they texted me, I'd be like, Oh my God, they know. So like, that's why I was like, I'm going to send a text like immediately. Cause if anything, whether I confront her or not, I need her to know somehow that I know.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. And, and who knows sometimes, I don't know if she listens to you guys or not all the time. I don't know if she listens to ask Nick, but like part of me was like, Oh my God, what if she listens? And then I was like, you know what? Like she listened to our show is what it is. Maybe. I don't know. I think sometimes. I don't know if she listens to Ask Nick.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I don't think you're like her most played. Like, I feel like that would have come up more in our conversations. But I was like, you know what? Like, hey, it is what it is. Well, if you're listening. Maybe she'll hear this.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
You could give her a recommendation of a podcast to listen to. Specific episode.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I could. Like, hey, oh my gosh, have you ever heard these Ask Nick?
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Okay. Yeah. I do need to do that instead of like,
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. No, yeah, you're right. For sure. I'll have to muster up some courage.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. Okay. Well, I will do that. I appreciate your advice and taking the time.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Let us know what happens, whatever you find out.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I once accused my friend of stealing my charger and I found it five years later in my room.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
It was specifically the block to my beats to charge it. I have your wire at home, by the way. I found it today. And my friend was you. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, I found it five years ago, and I texted her. I was like, I'm so sorry. And I sent her a picture of the charger. What'd she say? She was like, I told you from the beginning I never stole it. It wasn't a big deal like this.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
We were really close friends, but I was always like, you have my charger. And then after five years, I had my own charger.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
No. So she lives about like 10 hours drive away.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
But she plans to, so she says like, as soon as I go into labor, like drive up or hop on a plane, whatever's quicker. And she wants to stay for like two weeks.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I'm just very nervous because she's been so emotional. Every little thing she cries or she storms out or like I told her, I've had to tell her several times that I don't want her in the room when I'm giving birth. And she like cries. So I'm just like, I don't want to hurt her feelings. And like, I get that it is her grandchild too, but, but I'm just like, yeah, you're in a tough spot.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Not without there being a lot of tears and emotions.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
It's good. She really looks like she loves him. But I wouldn't say they've spent like a ton of time together just because we've never lived in the same town.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
It's good. Like I love her. She's always like very supportive or pretty close, but she has been like very emotional. I feel my whole pregnancy so far, like emotional that she's not here, like upset when I, if I do anything kind of like special with my dad or my husband's parents, I think she just wants to be like included, but it's like a lot. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
And you think that's appropriate for him to say that to my mom?
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
I feel like she's going to come when the baby's born, no matter what. And since she doesn't live close, she's obviously feels like she's going to stay here. You think I should like definitely bring this up before that or just at some point be like. Once she's here, A, we don't want you to stay.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Yeah. And that's how it is for my husband's side, just because they already have like six grandkids. So they also kind of don't really care.
The Viall Files
E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP
Do you think it would be appropriate or a good idea or an option to have this conversation with her? I'm very close with her best friend. Her daughter was my best friend. So like we've been close since forever. If I like were to tell her about it and then have her try to talk with my mom about it, or do you think it would be better just coming from me or my husband?
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
I am wondering if I'm physically attracted to my own boyfriend.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
That's what I'm trying to figure out. I'm trying, I guess, to figure out if it's me and him or if it's just me in general, I guess you would say.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
So basically I, when it comes to physical intimacy or just like little things, just like touching here and there with him, I really want nothing to do with it. And if you would have asked me about two years ago, I would have said absolutely. My love language is physical touch. That's I love the lovey dovey stuff. I love him kissing on my cheeks and then coming up behind me and grabbing me.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
Now I would say I am like really resistant to it.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
On and off for about four years, but I just moved in with him almost a year now.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
I would say almost whenever I started moving in with him.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
I'm not really sure because he's like he doesn't do anything wrong and that's why I'm so stuck because he truly is a like a perfect guy to me I just don't like it like I know you don't like the word ick but like whenever he comes up and touches me and stuff I'm like oh I don't want like and I don't know if it's just me in general like if I would be like that with anybody else or if it's just with him if something about him and me personally just isn't like
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
I wouldn't say like I wanted to jump his bones kind of compared to my other relationships. But things were like, OK, still.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
Yeah. No, he's not the hottest guy in the world. No, but like I'm still attracted to him, I guess you would say. Otherwise, I probably necessarily wouldn't be dating him.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
I have no idea. Like, that's why I don't know if it's like just maybe me and my hormones or if that's like something people do go through. Like if that's normal, if it's just like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know if.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
I mean, I think I hate it because every time he like wants to do something in my head now, that's all I think about is I don't want to do it. So it also like takes away from the fact like it stops me to from even like enjoying things whenever we do it. So in my head, I
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
Like, is there something that I, cause I never want him. So now that like, I feel this way though, I don't want him to like notice that I feel that way. Uh, just because like, I mean, if someone said that to me, it's like a shot in the heart, you know what I mean? So I don't want it to ever come across to him or him to like get the feeling from it.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
I would say I like whenever a guy has been, like, just really in charge, just, like, goes for it, initiates, goes for it, takes charge of everything.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
Not really that. But I've expressed to him before that, like, because sometimes he'll do it and I'll be like, oh, I really like that to try to, like, get him to start doing it more. And we don't really do, like, any foreplay either. It's just, like, we're laying down and then he just wants to start doing it.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
Yeah. Yeah. I would say we don't really, the only time we ever really talk about it is like, if I, if he does something that I like, I do try to express that to him or just kind of say like, Hey, I liked whenever you did that.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
Just to hopefully he'll start doing that more. Um, But that's really only what we have talked about. We don't like, you know, debrief or talk.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
And I can't figure out if it's, like, just me in general. And that's how I would feel if I was with anybody. Like, that's what I'm kind of having difficulties with. Only because I wasn't like that before. I would be like, hell yeah, let's do it. But now... I don't want anything to do with that.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
So I guess then with that though, so if I, you know, go to the doctor, but in the meantime to at least like get it out of my head. So I'm literally not like thinking this stuff during it like how is there anything that you can tell me to like get it out of my head for the time being or if i should just like i don't know you know what i mean so i hear you um
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
I would say during it or like whenever he starts, you know, kissing me and I know it's going to lead to that in my head, I'm thinking, Oh, I want to just get this over with. And I know that sounds like so messed up, but that's what goes through my head.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
It's kind of both. It just depends. Like sometimes I'm like, I don't want to do this right now because yeah, I am tired. But then other times I'm not like, it's literally, I don't, I just don't want you to do it.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
I just think back to like before him, kind of when him and I were on and off, I wasn't like this. So that's why a part of me thinks that like, maybe I'm just, you know, a little resistant towards him. And maybe we just don't have that, like, sexual chemistry.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
If anything, he's gotten, you know, better.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
Yeah, because I don't want to go to him before I figure out if it's actually something in my body that's causing it, before I just go up and...
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
Okay. No, that makes sense because that is exactly what I'm thinking. I'm just confused.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
That's what I was wondering. Cause I was like, I wonder if this is something, you know, normal that women go through or if it's, you know, yeah, I'd be curious too. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
A few of them. And they, their reasoning just is that, you know, like they're just tired and stuff like that. It's not that they're like, they're just tired at night or they don't want to type thing. Or like if their boyfriend pissed them off that day, they're like, I don't want to do anything like that. Sure.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
Now talking about it does sound like that. Yeah. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
might be a thing. I might have to look it up.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
I think if I had like another woman or someone like, you know, talk about it, I would feel more normal about it. And I want to be as my head of my much because like, I always think I'm like, I'm only 28. I'm not like going through premenopause and stuff. I'm like, my sex drive shouldn't be low. So then I get in my head about that too.
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
Not really. I mean, everybody does, but not like terrible, you know?
The Viall Files
E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?
the help okay okay okay thank you guys all right thank you take care thanks for your call thank you as well
The Viall Files
E851 Ask Nick - Homewrecking For The Holidays
Okay. You've been together for 15 years.
The Viall Files
E851 Ask Nick - Homewrecking For The Holidays
So there you go. You look great. You know?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I mean, it almost sounds like when we first heard of CitySitter, it sounded crazy to book a babysitter online. But think about it. When was the last time you were able to do a background check on your sitter? Probably never. But the peace of mind that CitySitter gives you when you are searching for a babysitter and the information you can get about the person who wants your kid is second to none.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Happiness comes from, you know, she has to be able to overcome adversity in order to be happy. She has to be able to chase her and pursue her dreams. She has to be able to, yeah, you know, and in pursuit of those dreams, you have to, yeah, you have to, you know. There's a lot of things that you have to develop and do and go through and order. And happiness is so subjective.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Like what is happiness? You know, like, you know, just because you, you get the Skittles, you know, and you're happy for in that moment, like, is that, is that happiness? You know, I want my kid to be able to like pursue their life, you know, and, and be able to face life as life comes at them. So it's, I think it's just more asking your boyfriend what, what he wants for his son.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
How does he want his son to be able to interact with as he gets into middle school? And poor middle school is mean. High school is tough. If this is a kid who's just so coddled and so bubbled and so protected from any discomfort, really, how is this kid going to deal with the world not caring about his comforts? And maybe that's a way to ask that question.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
The world doesn't really care about your son being comfortable. And right now, him and his ex-wife really just want their kid to be comfortable because they don't want it. And maybe there is guilt from both of them of being divorced and things like that. But they have to get past that. And they got to think about their son is a 15, 16, 17 year old, 18 year old, a young 20 year old.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Who's going to teach him these skills if it's not going to be them? And then hopefully you get your boyfriend to see what you're seeing. And then there's the whole challenge is how does he get his ex-wife to see that? And then hopefully it's just about him just using that we and us language. They may be divorced, but there's still a we there. And the we is we are parents of this child.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
It's our responsibility to raise this child. It's up to us to make sure our child gets what they need. And so he can just say, Hey, I'm just, I'm a little concerned about our child. And like, what can we do? You know, he is, you know, Hey, I'm worried that, you know, you gave him the iPad, like whatever happened up into this point between the two of them, they have to just let that shit go.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
and they they're you know they're still a team when it comes to parenting their child and you should encourage your boyfriend to be a teammate with his ex-wife and the language he should use around her is one about like just being a team and and hopefully you know that's less adversarial to her more you know but like they have to make a pact to be like listen like
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
What we can agree on is that we want our son to have a good life. We want our son to be able to have what he wants. But the world isn't going to give him what he wants. And as privileged as they are, what happens if they're not around? We can't predict the future. you know? And so it really just comes down to that, but I don't think you should let it go.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And I don't, you know, if this is a man that you want to potentially marry, if this is a man that you want to consider having children with, then yeah, this, this, this matters. Like this is a big deal. You're, you are not both 22 year old kids with no responsibilities who can just have fuck around and find out and be like, yeah, I don't know.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Like maybe he is or isn't my future baby daddy, but like we're having fun right now. That's not the life you're in right now.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
No, no. Yeah, I feel very different than that. But I'm starting to get massive anxiety around the thought of moving in together. Even I've taken a step back of staying over there. And I didn't realize it at first what it was. I was just like, I'm just going to stay at my house tonight when I realized the kid was over there. And then I started realizing it's just because...
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I just get so triggered by this child, but I do, I think.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I dated someone who had a son, a single mom. Father was not in the picture. She was very privileged and, and had everything she needed to, you know, and had a great community around her. But in our brief time dating, it was, yeah, I, I, my point is like I had opinions and we were very early in dating and I, but it was, I didn't feel like it was my place to say or do anything.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And I felt like this young boy needed a male role model. And I didn't feel like at that time it was my place to play dad. But yeah, it was hard to ignore. I get it. It's just hard to look the other way. It's hard to be in the house and see this child just kind of just doing whatever and And you can see the signs of him, what this adult is going to look like, you know? Uh, so I totally get that.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
It's very hard for you to just pretend it's not there. It's a child, you know, like child children are hard to ignore. They don't let you ignore them. Um, And you shouldn't want to. Right.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So I do think coming from a place of empathy is going to be important. I sometimes get I know myself, whether professionally or personally, I can be very like, OK, we see a problem now. We've got to tackle this. And sometimes my empathy just like leaves the building because, you know, I want to just solve the problem. But, you know, and also acknowledging to him that he kind of does.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
have a more uphill battle than if he and his ex-wife are more aligned. He's got to be confident in what values he wants to instill in his child. And then hopefully lead by example and bring his ex-wife in on it because right now they're very adversarial. It's gotten way better. But right now there's no team. I don't even think he would be able to say we an hour.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I think it would just make him cringe. Yeah, it's not about him.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
exactly but i do think if he just starts now while the kid is still relatively i mean i think there's still hope i hope yeah you know there's still time there's hope but like you know there's the you know the damage has been done so to speak like uh i got my dogs here like we got jeff uh he's three years old steve's like one and a half or whatever and jeff's a really great dog so we didn't really do any formal training right we crate trained them and other than that like
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Great. My name is Rachel. I'm 37 and my boyfriend's eight-year-old runs the house. What do I do?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
he wasn't the best walker but it was like fine and then we got steve and steve's kind of a you know and so we're like we got we got to get this dog trained so but we we took steve in to you know get trained early and he took to it really well and now he listens better than jeff because then we sent jeff to the training and he was like he picked up on some new things but they were like
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah, he's kind of old, you know, not old, you know, but like can't teach an old dog new tricks, so to speak. And so it's just, as these kids get older and get set in their ways, it becomes harder. They really are going to have to agree, or at least your husband's going to have to be determined. And even if that means, you know, he feels like he's not the favorite parent for a period of time.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You know, his kid is not is only going to be eight for a year and then only going to be nine for a year and only a 10 for a year. But this kid is going to be an adult for hopefully a very long time.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And he really has to focus about like, what is my relationship going to be like with my son when he becomes a young man and a man? And I promise, you know, he's going to respect his parent that like taught him things. You know, at some point, you know, if he's really he doesn't have to be a dick. He doesn't have to be mean.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He doesn't have to go out of his way to be like, well, I'm going to be the disciplinary parent. He can still lead with love, but he can he can stick to his boundaries. Really, it is about, you know, a setting about, you know, it's just like he right now, these parents are maybe setting a boundary and then a completely like ignoring that boundary as soon as their kid, you know, resist that boundary.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And maybe sometimes they're not even setting boundaries.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
That's exactly right. Yeah. Oh, I think you said something the other day. I don't remember in what context, but you said something about respect versus being liked. And I think with my boyfriend, it's like, okay, it's not only thinking about how you want your son to be as a, as an adult, but how do you want your son to see you when he's that age?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Do you want him to just be like, yeah, my dad was fine. I really liked him. Or do you want it to be like, I really respected my dad. He really pushed me to learn how to ride that bike when I refused, you know, or I think if he comes at it from that way too, it's so much better to be respected than liked. It'd be great if it was both, but right now there's only one.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He likes his dad a lot because his dad lets him get away with everything.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
The problem is it's like right now it sounds like your boyfriend is more like, is it really that big of a deal now? And you're just, and the argument is like, it's not really about now. Like now your kid's just annoying, like whatever. But like he's on a path of really having like a lot of, your kid's going to struggle in life if these behaviors don't change.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah. So my boyfriend and I, we both separated. I met him two months after my separation, four months after his separation. So very, very soon after we both divorced. And so he co-parents with his ex-wife. I have lots of feelings on that whole situation. But they share 50-50 custody. And so the first six months of me meeting my boyfriend, it was just, it was wonderful. It was hot and heavy.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I mean, that's kind of how you have to describe it. Yeah. You know, because right now he's nine years old, which is not that young. And he is, I mean, I remember nine, that's third grade for 10 to 10 is fourth grade.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Like I have lots of memories of that age, you know, and there were the pretty good kids and there were the absolute fuck ups, you know, and, and the, and some of the kids I went, I was in school from third grade to high school and the fuck ups in third grade were the fuck ups in high school.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
the difference between the fuck ups in third grade and the fuck ups in high school, the fuck ups in third grade were just like kind of like got in trouble and the fuck ups in high school were like got into drugs and bad friends and, and like just, you know, um, yeah, totally.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And it's, you know, what's going to happen when they're, when they're so afraid to say no, that they're the kid who like has the, the untapped iPhone at 12, 13 years old. And now their kid is fully weapon, you know, armed to the teeth with just like, you know, It's a scary world out there. Yeah, it is. It's not your job to be your kid's friend. It's your job to protect your child.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And sometimes protecting your child is enforcing a lot of boundaries and getting them comfortable with respecting people's boundaries, especially as a young man. And it's really important. So he needs to see that path. And yeah, I would not back down. Because if you can't get through to your boyfriend now, that's... It's pretty telling about how he could be as a husband and as a partner.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And you have to be able to gently communicate that and hopefully in couples therapy where, and great sign that he's so far taking it fairly well, but there needs to be more of that because it just, this is, yeah. Your instincts are right that this is not something to ignore.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
All right. Well, keep, keep me posted. I'd love to, to see where this goes, but yeah, I'm sure it's a very relatable story, uh, both for parents who aren't divorced or people dating parents and things like that. It's, it's a tough world out there for parents. And I, you know, it's, um,
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Well, the more I'm talking about it, too, the more I realize that it is quite common. I mean, I never did. I think like, oh, I'm the only person going through this in the world. But the more I think about it, it's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I went through that when my husband and I got married or when we started dating and he brought his kid into the picture. It just it happens.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
It's it's very common that that the theme of, you know. divorced parents want to be the best friend and not enforce boundaries and it creates big issues in their relationship. So it feels validating.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He's got to get over whatever resentment he may or may not have, both of them with each other. It's not about... They can... talk all the shit they want behind each other's backs. But like when it comes to their child, they need to be a team. They have to, they just, it's not about them. So you keep fighting the good fight. I'd love, you know, can you post it?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
All right. Take care. All right. All right. Bye-bye.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Honestly, less than a coffee. And you can't beat their service. I mean, listen, I was shocked by how great their connection was in how many places, especially with some of those bigger providers. It just feels like everyone's on their network. I don't know. And it gets clogged and it sucks. And, you know, I just got tired of that. But not with Mint Mobile.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Article! What more could we say about Article that we already haven't? But we're going to say it again because it's true and we love it and we love them. Listen, Article, it has some great pieces of furniture for every room that you might be looking to upgrade this season.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
We got to travel. We just had lots of fun. And then six months in, I met his son, who was seven at the time. And reality started to hit a little bit. I saw him as a different person, which was really beautiful. I wanted to meet him as a dad because I just met him as my boyfriend first. And it was great, I'd say, at first. And then I just started realizing that
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Plus, Article's customer service is top-notch. Can't beat it. Sometimes when you are ordering online, you're a little reluctant to do that because you're fearing, if I don't like it, if I don't love it, is the whole customer service return process going to be a pain in the butt? Not with Article. It is incredibly easy, and they have a top-notch team. Their 30-day satisfaction guarantee...
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Hi, I'm Chelsea. I'm 31 years old and my brother-in-law, who is 30, still lives with my in-laws that live next door to us. And how should we get him to move out?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Well, because being in my husband's family for the past nine years of our lives, I've seen him treat his family so disrespectful.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
No, no, no, no, no. My brother-in-law. He just hasn't contributed. They wanted him to pay rent. He hasn't paid rent. He wrecked his car a couple months ago. He hasn't saved up for that. And now that me and my husband have a 15-month-old daughter and they watch her during the day, we just are concerned that with her growing up, I don't want her to think that's normal behavior.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
The fact that he still lives there, but he's being disrespectful to my in-laws. They fight constantly. I don't really want my daughter to see that. And then he's also dating a girl who doesn't speak the same language as him. And she's about to be deported back. No, not at all. So I don't know how that relationship works, to be honest, because they text through like the Google translation.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And that's how, yes. They've been dating for like a year and a half.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
A year and a half? Like not even a fling. It's like, wow.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Do they really just think each other's are like super hot, you know, or like what, like what's, how did they find?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I don't know. Cause like they'll, when I've seen the interactions with them, They just like look at each other and they giggle like, and they just like text each other. And I'm like, what? I don't understand.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Because of the new administration. Sure. She's from Venezuela. And so she's here on a sponsorship. And basically, she has to go back. And so now his parents are thinking, oh, let's just kind of put him on her to deal with. They can get married. And so then now they can live on their own. But he has no money.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So how did this happen? It sounds like your husband is not the same person.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He's the opposite. I don't know what happened because they were both raised the same way, but my husband, he is adopted. And so I think they were both very privileged growing up.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
They didn't have to like- Your husband's adopted, but your brother-in-law wasn't?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He's, no. Yeah, he, yeah. And so I think my husband realized growing up, like he could have had a very different life. And so he's always tried to work hard and try to, Thank his, his adoptive parents for giving him that life.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
you know, between him and his ex-wife. They were both kind of vying for the good parent. They want to be the best one, which means no rules, no responsibilities, no expectations. And it started to really grind my gears, brought up a lot of stuff from my own childhood because I was raised in a very kind of authoritarian, disciplinarian home.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I'm willing to bet they weren't raised the same way. in probably not even obvious ways, you know, and that's not even really that important. Like, I don't think you need to be like, hey, you know, I talked to a podcaster and he said, you know, like, I'm just saying, like, there's clearly a huge difference in how these young men grew up.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Obviously, with your husband being adopted, makes a lot of sense what you're saying in terms of how he perceived it, you know, and his decision to take advantage of this opportunity, literally, you know, that he was blessed with. And I don't mean like they were loved differently.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And I don't know, it's clearly your, your husband sounds like he got the benefit of better parenting almost, but they probably weren't raised the same, you know, just like maybe every child in a, regardless of adopted or not, in some ways might be raised differently and without parents even necessarily realizing, you know, like overall, yeah, I'm sure they're, but they probably weren't.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Not that that really matters and there's nothing really to unpack there, but they probably weren't just because like, I mean, the fact that his parents are allowing this to happen, I mean, cause they are, they are allowing this to happen.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
The fact that their big plan to get their son out of the house is to hope that he finds a wife is not a plan because like, how do they know that he's not going to want him and his wife to live in the basement?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Oh, I've told them that. We've made them aware. You know she's probably going to move in with y'all. And then if she ends up pregnant, then y'all are going to have to take care of their child.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah, someone who's like, his girlfriend is just literally fighting to be in this country. Any home is a blessing. Certainly a nice home, even if it's not her home.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah. I mean, I don't blame her. I don't blame her, but I'm concerned for her because I don't want her to end up having to take care of him.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
because he's like a man child i think you might hate my advice though but my advice is like it's kind of not your problem and i think you're you know and there's only so much you can do i understand and empathize with your concern as it relates to your daughter but i think there's ways you know like you all you can control is what you can control right you can control the fact that you are your daughter's mother and you have you are in a position to set boundaries sit her down have conversations how old your daughter
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Okay. So incredibly young, right? Like she's, she's river's age, right? Like, you know, so right now, like you spend more, I'm guessing, you know, you spend a lot of time fantasizing about her getting older lessons. You'll want to teach her. I'm sure you and your husband talk about what type of parents you want to be and yada, yada. Like she's so young right now. Like, I totally get it.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But like we as parents, we cannot raise bubble kids. You know, we cannot, we can only do so much to protect our children. We cannot stop our children from facing the world because the world is just not going to care about them the way we care about our children as parents, right? It's our job, at least my belief, to prepare our children for all the things that life is going to come at them.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
While this isn't an ideal situation, like I wouldn't want it for myself, just no more than you would want it for your situation and your daughter, but it's still an opportunity.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
It is an opportunity to like, you know, as your child gets older and maybe, you know, one, you can just say, you can set boundaries being like, if there really is an uncomfortable environment, you can simply say to grandma and grandpa, like I am just not comfortable with our daughter being there alone with him. I would love for you guys to babysit at our house and he's not allowed to be there.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
We had responsibilities since we were like four years old. So I'm worried that He's raising an enabled child. I'm worried that he's an enabled boy who will become an enabled man, which we just know better now. And that, you know, between him and his ex-wife, they're just they're kind of I'm just worried about their parenting style.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
you know, it might come down to saying something like that. As your daughter gets older, you can sit her down and just say, yeah, that's not uncle blah, blah, blah is we don't approve of that behavior. And if, and if, and if he doesn't like that, he's being taught, his niece is being taught that that's a him problem. But like, you know what I'm saying?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Like you, you can, can, as long as you and your husband are on the same page, as long as you guys are aligned, Again, you can only control so much about life showing up at your child's doorstep and saying, hey, I'm a problem. And how are you going to deal with this problem?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
As children, they have you and your parents to most of the time protect them from these problems, help them deal with the problems. As your child gets older, you're going to help teach your kid how to solve problems on their own, hopefully. Yeah. These will be opportunities. So in a way, yeah, it's not ideal. But honestly, what it kind of is, is a still controlled environment.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
An obstacle is presenting to your daughter and you, and you have an opportunity to sit your daughter down at times to teach her. various lessons based off of what we're seeing. You might take your daughter to a playground and she's going to interact with children who are not being parented the way you parent your child.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And a child might do or say something around your child where you're like, I don't want my child to see or do that. My parents always tell me the story about how I learned about birds and the bees, right? And it was my childhood friend, Brian, who one day I loved his parents, but like, and my mom was friends with his mom, but he was allowed to watch kind of rated R movies as a six year old.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And I, you know, and I definitely wasn't not sneak over, you know, but he knew about sex before I did. And he, he told me and my parents were pretty pissed, you know, and I came home kind of red in the face and I honestly don't even remember, but my parents remember. And that's going to happen.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You're going to send your kid off to school and they're going to come home and they're going to experience shit you wish they wouldn't. I had a sailor's mouth in second grade and my parents never would have guessed. I have this vivid memory of taking a walk around the block and being like, I swear a lot. I should probably stop swearing.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
As a second grader, as an eight-year-old, you cannot stop your child from experiencing life. What you can do though is use whatever life your child to experience to make sure you're paying attention, make sure you're asking questions and checking in, make sure you're not just assuming everything's okay with your child because you taught them everything you know, but just like,
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You have to accept that the world is going to, whether you like it or not, introduce things to your child. And it will be your and your husband's responsibility to like step in to say, well, that's not okay or that's okay. And this is what this means. And, you know, it's really, you know, this is dangerous. You know, you got to avoid this danger.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You know, as River gets older, you know, we got to teach her about the dangers of water, you know, teach her how to swim. Dangerous things are going to show up. And we have to teach our children how to be careful around dangerous things. And I think that's where your focus should go.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Because if your focus goes with like, I got to get this guy out of the house, you're stepping in there and then that could affect your relationship with your in-laws. He's their problem. You know, he's not your problem.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
That's very true. Yeah. And so my, my daughter is adopted too. And so I don't, I'm fully aware. Like if we have our own child someday or something, I don't want to treat them differently. I don't want to make them feel, I don't, I just don't want to discipline them differently or anything like that.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So this is definitely a lesson for me and my husband on how we want to discipline our child and how we want to raise them and,
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Where does your general worry come from? Is it like, and I'm sure it's in all of the buckets on some degree, but is it like from the point of view, is the girlfriend who just finds this eight-year-old is kind of irritating? Is it just from like, you know, your love for your boyfriend in a sense that like, you know, you have some notes for him as a father, you know, just from your perspective?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah. I mean, at some point when it comes, you're a brother-in-law, like he just was not pushed or challenged. And like, you know, if the difference between your husband and your, and your brother-in-law is this pure luck that he had the mentality, uh, and the personality to on his own, see this opportunity that he wasn't going to throw away, then that's, I mean,
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
That's just really a literal blessing. But yeah, it's not your problem, which is as tough as it is, because it is a problem that you anticipate having to deal with. And that's inevitable. Deal with it as it relates to your daughter. And just make sure that your daughter, just worry about your daughter.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Worry about how to protect your daughter while accepting that there's certain things in the world you can't control.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Okay. So if they do end up somehow married, we just support it. We just go to the wedding and just see if it works out.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
My brother got his girlfriend, high school sweetheart pregnant. Then they quickly had another child because they were just like, we got to make this work. And the back of my mind, I was just like, I didn't, she seemed like a lovely person. They didn't seem compatible at all. I was definitely worried about my brother, like trying to do the right thing, but not doing the right thing.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But like, what was I supposed to, you know, it's his life.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And you know, they ended up getting divorced and now he's in a, you can only do so much.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
yeah life would be a lot easier if we all listen to people's advice but most of the time we have to learn on our own um and then you know hopefully we have people around us not necessarily say i told you so but to pick us up to support us to offer some tough love at times mixed in with some empathy and certainly that's what you'll be there for your children because like yeah you
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
We cannot protect our children from ever being disappointed, hurt, sad, angry, put in uncomfortable situations. We can't. We have to teach them how to overcome things. We can teach them early on to observe things and know the difference between right and wrong. I remember growing up and down the street, I actually, across the street from my childhood best friend were his cousins.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
His cousins lived across the street from him. And his cousins were fucks. His oldest cousin was a drug addict. You know, he was in high school and he would like, we always see him like, I remember being eight, nine, 10 years old and seeing this, to me, he looked like a man, but he was probably like a high school kid. And I could tell there was something wrong with this
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And my parents told me, it was an opportunity for me, my parents to teach me the dangers of drugs. Because I saw this young man, he fought with his father. I saw a lot of conflict from this family that lived down the street from us, across the street from my friend, who I was over there all the time. And even though my parents, I was still allowed to play with them.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And, you know, he had good parents. And even though like, yeah, he got to do things that, you know, but like I was still safe and I was okay. And I probably learned a lot of things from Brian that maybe my parents wouldn't like, but like I still turned out okay.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But my parents were always present, always checking in, always asking questions, always just like making, you know, it's just like, what'd you do today? And it's like just being curious parents and check, you know, again, really just checking in.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
A lot of times the parents just like assume their kids are fine and I've taught them everything they know, they're going to be fine and they don't check in. And all of a sudden their kid gets into something and they're like, I didn't, I never would have guessed and never would have known, you know, they're not checking in enough.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So yeah, it's not really about stopping your kid from ever witnessing toxicity or witnessing arguments or just an uncomfortable environment. That is an opportunity to sit your kid down and try to teach them things and, and learn about, Hey, that's, That's why we stay away from those things.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
That's, that's your opportunity to teach a little bit of, I think fear is a powerful teaching tool sometimes, you know, like just, I was very afraid of, of going down the wrong path as a child and, and how my parents were able to incorporate, teach me that.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Or is it just like, yeah, you're legitimately worried about this boy growing up to be a fuck? Where, where do you think, like, I guess, where, where does your motivation come from? Which bucket do you think it's more is driving your concern?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I'm not entirely sure, but I think it a lot had to do with like when they saw examples of kids, maybe going down the wrong path, they talked to me about what that looked like. I was old enough to see trauma. You know, I was old enough. I mean, I'm thinking, I'm telling you the story now. And I remember, I remember, and I just remember this kid would always just, it was like a lost adult.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I mean, I hope for the best for my brother-in-law. I really do like, I want him to succeed. It's just, it's hard to see that. And it's hard to see my in-laws because they're, they're the sweetest people and they do so much for everyone. And so it's really hard to see them still stuck in that situation.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I mean, if anyone's going to like be in a position, it's your husband to offer some tough brotherly love. And if there's anyone who's in a position to just be like, bro, the fuck are you doing? It's him. It's definitely not you. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
No, no, no. I definitely don't want to be, because coming from an outsider, I don't know how he was previous before I came into my husband's life. And I don't know how much better he became and what all his brother had to struggle with and stuff. And so, yeah, I'm definitely not the person to do it.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But yeah, that's why I wanted your advice because I just didn't know like, okay, just, yeah, it's their problem, not ours. Or does my husband need to have a sit down with him and tell him like, hey- You should really think about getting married to this girl and also saving up to leave our parents' house.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah, if your brother wants to have some conversations with him, let him. But I think right now, your guys' responsibility is each other and your daughter and your family. And that's really what you guys, your energy should be going there. And don't waste your energy trying to parent this man
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
That is energy that you could be focusing on your daughter or energy you could be focusing on yourself or your relationship. If there's one through line of this show is whether it's you calling in about a brother-in-law or someone calling in about a situationship or an ex-boyfriend, is to be mindful of where you are focusing your energy because it's not unlimited. It's a tangible thing.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And we treat our thoughts and our energy as if it is unlimited. We're not thinking about the cost of focusing our attention and energy on something that really is outside of our control, that really is none of our business. And that is energy. It could be learning a new language, you know, literally. And like, if, you know, just as a joke, but like, obviously you're not going to do this.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I thought about this a lot. And I truly feel like it's coming from that third bucket of like, he's almost nine and, and cannot, you know, he like, he's lacking some critical thinking. He can't get his own snacks and water. He doesn't know how to ride a bike or tie his shoes.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But if instead of worrying about where your brother-in-law's living situation, and let's say, you know, it's like, yeah, my daughter's fine and my relationship's good, but I'm going to take that energy and just learn Spanish. You could learn how to communicate with his girlfriend faster than he is if you just took that energy and learned, you know what I'm saying?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Like, and you got to think of your energy in that way because it's not unlimited. And if you're using it in one bucket, you're wasting it in another.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
That's very true. Well, this was very helpful because I was going back and forth and my husband, we would have fights about it. And then because he would be so done, he was like, I'm just tired of talking about it. But then something happened. would piss him off that his brother would do. And then he would talk about it again.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So it was just like an endless cycle of like, okay, what do we do about this?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
My opinion, your job is to, in addition to obviously being a parent for your daughter, is support your husband. It's his brother. It's his family. So I wouldn't add to the frustration. It's not your job to be his gossip partner and be like, yeah, doesn't it fucking suck? It's just your job is to support your brother's frustration with his family.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Your job is to support your husband's frustration with his family. Empathize with him. Again, it's supporting him. It's not egging him on or saying, yeah, we need to do something about this. It's more like, yeah, how can I support you? Or maybe you should talk to your brother. But like, We're going to be okay. And like, how can we help maybe his parent? They are adults, your in-laws.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
They're allowed to kick them out. If they want to be nice people, you know, they're not helpless. So they're making a choice too, you know, and you have to accept their choice. And if he wants to like have a conversation with his parents, then you can support them in that. But again, I would challenge your husband to just be grateful for what you guys have and allow his brother to live his life.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And as long as he's not literally putting anyone in harm, then it's his life. It's his life.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Well, thank you so much for talking to me and I just love y'all show. Well, I appreciate it.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And congratulations on having a beautiful daughter and adoption, such a beautiful thing and credit to you guys for doing that and best of luck with your family.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Thank you. And just your, your daughter's just so beautiful.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Oh, thank you so much. Yeah. She's a, so it's been real fun lately. All right. All right. Take care. Nice to meet you.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
All right. Bye-bye. Well, you know how much we love our dogs, Jeff and Steve. We love them. We'd do anything for them. They are a part of our family. And now that we have our little baby River, we want to make sure that our family stays together as long as possible. But listen, just like when you have kids, you want to make sure your family is safe.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You want to make sure your pets are safe as well. And that's why today's episode is sponsored by the ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program. When you have a pet, you love taking care of them because in their own way, they take care of you. But even if you are the best pet parents in the world, unpredictable things can happen.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Fortunately, you can always give your care a boost with the ASPCA Pet Health Insurance.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He's eight and he doesn't know how to ride a bike?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yes. He's very averse to new experiences. So if my boyfriend tries to get him to ride a bike or even a scooter, a scooter where he just has to pedal it, he just is extremely averse to new experiences. And so I feel like my boyfriend caves very fast. Instead of encouraging him and pushing him and developing confidence in the child, he's just kind of like, okay, okay, okay. He's crying. Okay.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
To explore coverage, visit ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That is ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Again, that is ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash V-I-A-L-L. This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either Independent American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Going good. My name is Buffy. I'm 28 years old. And did my ex just want to bring me chicken? Or does he love me and is he chickening out?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Okay, well, why is he your ex? You know, just give me the backstory of the relationship a little bit and the breakup.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah. So I've been single for about three years from within that time. You know, I'll go on the dating apps. I'll do about three months on it, go on dates. And then when I start feeling like it's affecting my self-esteem, I'll get off and take a break from it. So in that three years, this person, I met him off of an app. He's from a different state. But he was moving here.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So we got to FaceTime a couple about like a month prior. So we kind of built more of that foundation. So when we did meet, it was very natural. And the first date was so good. It was that like magnetic feeling. So I, you know, I knew I liked him right off the bat. But and I think it was pretty mutual. So yeah. Start from the first date, we both didn't see other people.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
We, you know, we're hot and heavy, I guess. But it was very, we were very connected. And then so that went on for about four months. And then everything just, it felt almost perfect. We had really good communication. There was days where, you know, he was just a very good communicator with all of his feelings and what he was going through. He was trying to start a business. out here.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So I did have a fear that he was taking on too much all at once, like starting a relationship, trying to start a business, moving across the United States. That's a big thing. I did it. So I knew that I wasn't ready to date when I first came out here. And so, yeah, so eventually we weren't seeing each other. It was like two weeks and I hadn't seen him. was a lot of like cancellations.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So ultimately I just called them. And at this point we're in a relationship, we had defined it and, uh, I called them and I said, uh, all right, like, ah, I'm feeling it. Like just what's going on. Let's, let's talk it. Cause I feel, you know, I feel it. And I would rather if it's going to like, and let's just like do that. And he was very off. He was very off and on. He wouldn't really say it.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He just said that he, he was going through some depression, which I wanted to really understand. So for the next couple of weeks, he didn't break up with me, but he, also was in this hole and he was communicating that he was just going through a really hard time and really stressed, but he was very much leaning on, he was very depressed.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He's going to go tell my ex-wife that, you know, it's so horrible at my house and then it's going to cause this huge thing. And it's just, it's parenting from this place of fear and I don't have kids. So I totally respect that there are things I do not know. Um, well, I mean, yeah, but you know, I'm 37 and I'm a child of many divorces.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And I guess I got to the point where I didn't know if, is this the moment where I step up at as a partner and i just i'm there for him which i'm i was so willing to do it's okay if he needed to do some isolation i i understood that but i wasn't sure if it was do i need to step up as a partner and just chill and and what was he asking from you nothing he wasn't asking anything yeah
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So then in the back of my head, I was like, well, this is a, is this an out for him? Like, does he just, he wants out. And I understood that too. Like he took on too much and just didn't know how to communicate it. And eventually that's how I felt. So eventually it just, I mean, we played that kind of back and forth game for a month, a month and a half.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And, and eventually I just, I called it because it wasn't a relationship at that point. And I felt like
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I said that I really respected him and that I had really deep feelings for him. But ultimately, I told him that I wasn't sure what he needed from me when he's going through this. And I, but I'm not getting my needs met at all. So I, I also wanted like a partner in that situation. And only, the only thing I was asking was the communication aspect of it. Where do we stand? Do you want me here?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Like, do you want me to support you through this or not? And he, and he couldn't give me that answer. So that's when I just.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And so you ended it and then did you pretty much stop communicating with
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yes. And I kind of think I know what you're going to say, but I did tell him like when I when things end, I do just end it. So, I mean, I've had exes before. We're all all literally, you know, I've dropped off a vehicle, took a picture, blocked and deleted the number same day.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Their underwear is awesome. You guys should get it for your men. I only wear Skims.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So what do you think I'm going to say? What do you mean? What do you think I'm going to say?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Well, OK, I think I kind of was telling him that. So that he would say, oh, no. Sure.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah. I mean, like you did a very difficult thing ending a relationship with a person that you liked and cared about and saw a lot of potential in. And then what I'm sure felt like fairly overnight, you know, his behavior changed, you know, and then you tried to be empathetic and understanding. He didn't give you anything.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You know, literally, literally gave you nothing, you know, and so here you are guessing this, guessing that. And yeah, you decided to end a relationship. So like, yeah, I think you're being a little tough on yourself.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Of course, we say things kind of like hoping it'll rattle their cage or hoping they get through, you know, like hoping to be like, I, you know, like, hey, don't really want to leave here. But like, you're kind of... Force in my hand. And of course you wanted a reaction. That's normal. You're not supposed to be indifferent. You obviously cared. So it makes a lot of sense.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
The important thing, what I'm hearing from you, is that you felt that there was a problem.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
you weren't reactive you you tried to understand the problem you asked him questions you you certainly try to give him time and space again he didn't give you anything so you re-approach the situation and said hey i really care i just before before you i do anything i do want you to know i care like this is not me not caring this is me not not liking you this is like yeah i care so like
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You know, my mom's on her third husband, my real dad's on his third wife. It's like, I just, I do have that lived experience. And so I'm just like, you guys, You have a real opportunity here to align yourselves and encourage him to start critically thinking and start, you know, developing skills that an almost nine-year-old should have.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
It sounded like you did a lot of good things here. Like, I think the only thing you have left to do then is just maybe accept.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
About, I was in a little sad girl moment for about two months, but ultimately this wasn't a long relationship. I've gone through worse. I had feelings for him. It was really strong. I think I was falling in love with him, but I'm good at this. I'm not, no, I'm not good, but I was ready to date again.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
started dating again, went on a business trip. So at this point I had been on a few dates with this guy, like three or four, nothing. I didn't have any like feeling. I was just, you know, figuring it out if I liked him or not. And ultimately I didn't and that's over. But so he reached out and this was about two months later. I was on a business trip.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He reached out to me and asked if he could see me when I got back. I said, okay. So we met at the dog park and he, I could tell it was really hard for him to say this. And then he, he ultimately looked me right in the eye and he just said, I needed to meet with you. I really, I want to apologize the way I treated you and what I, and how I did it. And
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He said that he, you know, all people want and all he's wanted was to be accepted and like loved for who he is and for whether that's like the ups and downs. And he felt that he was starting to feel that from me, I guess, because we were starting to get a lot more emotional. And he acknowledged that he didn't react well to it. And when he was saying this, he was crying.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So it was very hard and I could feel the emotion from him. And I told him I was I told him that I accept his apology and that I really appreciate that he apologized to me. That meant a lot. And I know that I know that was hard. And I was OK from that moment. Like I was I felt, OK, wow. Like, OK, closure, peace. I've never had a guy do that to like acknowledge that after the fact.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And I just I loved that. I didn't need it. but I really appreciated it. But then, you know, so we're, that conversation's over and we're walking through the dog park and he says a comment like, I hope our paths cross again. And which, I don't know what that means. Like, I wish we would have just left it at that.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Like, don't, I don't want the little, you know, the little eggs in my brain of what, I don't want that.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So what did you respond to? I hope our paths cross again.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I didn't. Because he kind of mumbled it. So I kind of giggled. I giggled and was like, yeah. Because I want him to just be direct. Because is he asking for another chance? If he's asking for another chance, then approach that. Oh, okay.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I don't know. I mean, that's why I say probably not. I don't know for sure. If you want a direct man, then maybe regardless of what he wants, you have to see.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah. I mean, not being able to tie it. I learned, I remember learning how to tie my shoes. I was four.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah. You have to understand what you want and then judge his actions, which, you know, not judge judges, but like he wasn't, you know, but like how long ago was that?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
That was probably two months ago and he's reached out one other time. Oh, important. So after the dog park, I wrote him and I said that I apologize if I seemed cold. It was just emotional, but I wasn't, but I do really appreciate that you apologize. And I said, with that being said, I'm not looking to have a friendship with you. Like I don't want open lines of communication.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Um, no, because he did write me after the dog park and he said his text was something like, I didn't get to say everything I wanted to, but I think, but maybe that will be okay. Very elusive, like making me the one to guess what he means by that. So I just said, okay, well then here's the question, right?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
A hundred percent or ride my bike. And I remember getting in horrible accidents.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He reached out to me one more time a month later.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He randomly called me. I answered and he said, oh, oh, you answered. And I said, oh, my bad. Should I hang up? You can leave a voicemail. And I don't know if he had been drinking. He did sound a little... And maybe he had a little tipsy. And he said he was just kind of going on. He said he didn't want to be my friend. And then he said he needed to tell me something.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I mean, tying your shoes is like a basic skill they teach you in kindergarten.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He said he needed to talk to me. He needed to tell me something. So I was like, then do it. Like, then just do it. Like I was kind of getting tired of this game and, and he said, okay, I'll, I'll come over. And I was about to make dinner. My chicken didn't thaw out. So he said, I'll bring chicken. And I was like, okay, then bring some chicken.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So he drove here, he brought the chicken and I'm, I were sitting on the couch and nothing, no touching, no, nothing. It wasn't anything like that. And The dogs are playing and he didn't say anything like he talked to me. He talked to me about my family and my dad had there was an issue with my dad and he was checking on him. And but he didn't say anything.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah. Well, I guess it's different now. Turns out they're like, oh, all the shoes have Velcro now or all their slip-ons. And it's like, I don't know. I just think that that's kind of a sucky excuse to be like, okay, you have to tie a knot.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And then he left and I was just standing around the house like, what the heck was that? I don't know.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Happy birthday. Clearly, I'm guessing, based on what you're telling me, you're wondering if this is a man who is second-guessing his decision about the breakup, not giving him the answer. Now he's this kind of quote-unquote breadcrumbing, kind of popping in and out. Maybe part of it is motivated by got drunk one night and text you, then you brought over some chicken.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But you're kind of expecting or hoping, at least, that he shows up with a piece of chicken and says, I want to try this again. I miss you. I care about you. I don't want to be your friend either. And if you're willing to give this another shot, I want another shot.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah. I just want, I guess I want to know if not, I'm okay. I would rather, I don't want the random communication back and forth.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And my question, and so we can sit here and brainstorm what we think his reaction is. And that's fun. And I'll, and I'm happy to do that with you. But at the end of the day, the easiest way to find out is to just find out, you know, rather than talk with me or your friends about what we think this guy might be doing. It's just cut to the chase.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Now, I understand that you wish he would do that, right? Yeah. He's not doing that. So then, one, you have to ask yourself, as much as I care about him, do I want him? Is this really who he is? And does this mean he's the type of man who really has a hard time taking charge? you're describing some weakness, right? And we all have weaknesses. We all can be weak people at time.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
We can be strong people at time. Depending on our emotional resiliency, depending on our mental health, some of us can be stronger more often than we're weaker, and some of us are a little weaker more often than we're stronger, depending on what we're going through or what's going on or our upbringing and all a combination of things, right?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
That's crazy. Yeah. But yeah, it doesn't like, we're forgetting about like, to your point, like your child, children should want to, and be able to learn things and discover new things and be curious.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And so do you think he's going through some moments of weakness and needs someone like you in his life to help him out? And maybe he's seeing this, you know, but has the potential to lead, to be strong, to get through whatever he's going through, you know? And are you willing to take a chance at that? Are you willing to take a chance of saying what you want him to say and be totally wrong?
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
People like him, you know, these type of people that you're describing, they can be very confusing because they don't even know what they want, right? He could want you one day and the next day not, you know? I don't know what's going on with this business of his that he's been trying to start. I don't know what else is going on in his life.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And again, I always say like, no one lies to us more than we lie to ourselves. Is it like one day he might be feeling one thing and the next day he might be feeling another. And so, you know, you're potentially at risk of putting yourself through something that this emotional roller coaster again. And it only gets harder, right? Because you're like, listen, I only did this guy for a few months.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I was sad. I was disappointed, but I've been through worse. And I only did him for a few months. It wasn't the end of the world. Well, now it's been two months. You spent clearly a lot of emotional energy wondering, pining, deliberating, second-guessing about this man and this relationship you have. So in some ways, you continue and have been in a relationship for about six months now.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah, I feel that. I mean, I'm not saying every night, but I do.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
It's in my brain, yeah. It's like, oh, do it. You know, it's like, do I, I don't know.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So to that point, if you're asking me what I think you should do, acknowledging that regardless of what you meant to or not, or whether it was in your intention, is that you have been investing a lot of your emotional time and energy into this man in relationship, regardless of your relationship status with him.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
and you care and so you are emotionally vested so rather than continuing to wait for him to make the first move you just are going to have to make a decision a clear decision and that in that it's one of two decisions to just accept that this man despite his charm and your affection for him is incapable of really stepping up and asking for you back and and if he's not ready to do that
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
then maybe he's just really not ready, period. And that you are just going to simply draw that line and enforce that boundary. And whether he wants to call you late at night or not, or step over, you're just not going to allow that to happen because as you said a couple of months ago, you're not interested in being his friend. And you decided that despite his confusion, he's not your guy. Or...
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And, and yeah, they, you know, resiliency is something that I hope to teach my children very early, you know, I hope my children don't describe their upbringing and household as authoritarian, but like, I absolutely... Like, the moment River, like, understands wants and needs, and the moment she can, like, help, she's gonna have to earn the things that she wants versus needs, you know? Yeah.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You can put yourself out there, acknowledge that you've spent a lot of emotional energy on this man, and you don't want to continue to spend a lot more emotional energy, at least being confused. And if you're going to spend any emotional energy on this man, you're at least going to do it while in a relationship as imperfect as it might be.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And so then you should just put it out there and say, to be honest, I kind of wish you would have said this, but I'm going to say this. And I don't even know how you're going to respond. But like, I want to try this again. I just don't think you're ready. Remember, you did break up with him. And yeah, he should be strong enough and brave enough to put himself out there, but he's not.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And so you might have to put yourself out there and not knowing what the answer will be. And also knowing that regardless of what his answer is, his answer could change in a month.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So while you were saying that I kind of just had like a, like, what if I've never thought about this before until just now, but so what if I put myself out there, which I think I'm okay doing. And I think that's why he has kind of this, a little bit of a hold is like, in the last, you know, three years of being single, he is the one person I think I was just very vulnerable with.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So I'm okay with putting myself out there and, and just, you know, however that looks like, you know, saying, well, I don't know, maybe that's where you come in and, Tell me what to say, but I'm okay with that. But then what if let's say perfect world? He's like, yeah, okay. And we start this. And then I changed my mind. And maybe after I get it back, maybe after I'm in it.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And then I realized, wait, I do want someone to be able to communicate the hard things. He has shown that he can be a good communicator, but not when it's hard, not when it's tough. And that's when it's important.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
we're all like, you know, it's, it's easy to shoot a basket without someone playing defense, you know, so to speak, you know, it's like, yeah.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Like after, I mean, this is, these are, you know, I know it doesn't feel like this sometimes in 2025 because like, You know, it's like in some people's mind, if you tell someone, hey, I like you, or God forbid you say, I think I'm falling in love with you, or God forbid you say, I love you. And then like two months later, be like, I'm sorry, but I don't feel the same way.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
A lot of people will immediately, you're a gaslighting narcissist, you know, who loved bomb your way into a relationship and yada, yada, yada. But like you are allowed to change your mind and he's allowed to change his mind. And that's dating and that's, and it's hard, you know? And- You know, he is a man. He is an adult. He is, you know, awesome.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Question is, what has he done to your knowledge of dealing with his depression?
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Good question. So when at the time that we were meeting, I had actually just started anxiety medication. I'd never been on it, but I have actually a heart condition that can cause like panic attacks. So anyway, I was having a lot of panic attacks. I got an anxiety medication and he had very strong thoughts of the medication. He had tried it previously and it didn't work out for him.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So he had some thoughts of me starting medication. But I, of course, I was like, well, this is something I would like to try that I'm going to do. And then he we talked about therapy because I was also getting into therapy and he made comments on, you know, like, that doesn't help him either. So that is something that I'm concerned about.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Well, if you ask follow up questions to like, what does he mean by doesn't help him out? And what is his experience or relationship with therapy?
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Not with therapy, but I did ask the medication. I know he, you know, he said he felt like a zombie. He said he felt, he didn't feel like himself.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And yeah, I mean, I'm pretty medication adverse, you know, like I'm not here to question, you know, but I definitely respect people who like are resistant to like, you know, and if it helps you out, that's, that's amazing. But like, if you're not going to take medication to help whatever problem you have, you should probably look into other, you know, forms of help.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And I always find it funny when people say therapy doesn't help them. I mean, if you're resistant to getting help, it's not going to be helpful. But, you know, trying therapy once for a couple sessions and deciding it didn't help you is you just quitting.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And I don't think he went for very long. His view on it was just like a money scheme type of view. And But then it's also- Well, that's fine.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He doesn't. And I've asked that. I was like, you do need someone, whether it's family or friends, and he doesn't. So he keeps it all inside and then he just isolates. And that's what he was doing in this time that I was trying to be there for him and not like, I dropped off like a care package and told him like, you don't have to see me. I'm just dropping out the door.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I didn't want to add stress, but like, yeah, you guys are just too, I mean, you're, you're, he's worse than you, but you're, you're both like, just, you gotta, someone's gotta be direct here.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Like, even if it's, like, picking up her room, you know? Even if it's, like... Like...
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So do I text him if I want to put myself out? What do I say?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
There's no perfect way of saying it. What do you want? What does putting yourself out there with him mean to you?
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I wouldn't want to jump just into a relationship. Yeah, I would just want to go on dates and to see if maybe some of the things that I did see in him during that time, if they've been addressed, if we can communicate through it. And then if a relationship, if it is natural, if it comes back, then I would be very open to it.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Regardless of what that approach actually looks like, why is that your approach?
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
a stupid silly little chore it's just like the idea of working towards something and not just like getting something you want because you stomp your feet and throw a fit but like you said i mean i really empathize with your boyfriend because you know that was my first thought when you brought it up it's like well you know it sounds like early separate you know like you guys
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
To just jump into a relationship. I would be scared to jump.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
What is dating him, a man that you've already defined a relationship with? How is that different than saying, I want to try this again. I want to take it slow, but I think I want you in my life. And I want to like, you know, I don't know what that means yet. But I want us to try again. What's the difference?
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I don't know. In my mind, I guess... When you put it that way, nothing, because that is what I would do. I know if I start seeing him again, I know my feelings are going to be there. So I guess maybe it's that vulnerability thing. I think if I label it as this, my heart would feel less vulnerable. And if I label it as the other thing, then I would feel subject to...
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I don't think in reality. I think you're convincing yourself of that. And at first it might be true. It might help initially take some pressure off that you've put on the situation. But if things don't work out, regardless if you define the relationship and give it another shot or not jump into things right away, but date.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
At the end of the day, if it doesn't work out like six weeks later, I don't think you're going to feel any differently about it. Whatever you feel is how you're going to feel. Because this will be another, it's going to feel like another failed attempt at a relationship with a person you cared about where you realized he's not your person. And that's sad. And that's going to suck.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And it's going to feel normal to question whether you wasted more time. But like, You just have to, if you want to, listen, there's a lot of risks we potentially take as adults. And most of our risks or a lot of our risks are in relationships, you know, because to be in a relationship, you have to be vulnerable. You have to open up. It takes time. It takes work. There are no guarantees.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Feelings change. It's really volatile, you know, and it can be very hurtful when it ends. But if we're not willing to take that risk, then we're never going to find what we want, right? So you just have to accept the risk. And then if it doesn't work out, you deal with it then. You don't worry about what could happen or how you're going to feel if it doesn't work out.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You're just like, you just deal, you know? But until then, all you can do is, you know, be as honest with yourself as possible about what you want. Decide whether it's worth the risk because it's a risk. It is a risk. It's always a risk.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And in your case, I think the most honest way to look at this risk is, do I want to pursue a relationship with a man who I'm already investing a lot of emotional energy regardless, and most of the time he's just not even there, literally, except in my head.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So I might as well just try and see this through because he has, you know, shown some progress that an apology was really nice and mature and it was, you know, it probably was a lot for him, you know, and that's a good sign.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
That's a green flag, you know, but the fact that he's resistant to therapy and he, you know, is resistant to medication that might help him and I understand why, but either way, He's already shown you that when he gets anxious and has a problem that he checks out, right?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And so you have to be careful not to convince yourself that you're protecting yourself when you're actually protecting him and trying to avoid him being in stressful situations because he's shown the inability to handle them.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Well, this really has nothing to do with your guys' relationship, but yes, just, like, the idea and notion that clearly, like, my guess was, like, he's probably worried about fighting for his son's affection, you know? That being said, like, you've only been, how long have you been dating this guy?
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So yeah, I think you just have to decide. I mean, I think you're gonna have a hard time letting him go mentally right now without trying. So you might as well just fucking shoot your shot.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And that's how I feel. I want to date. I feel okay to date. I really do. I feel like personally me, I mean, I got off the medication, but I got a trainer. I've been like working out.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So what if you say, hey, listen, you call him up. Hey, I want to see you. That's what you guys think. I would like to see you meet in the park, whatever kind of your thing. And just say, I'm just going to say it. I'm just going to be, show him what actions you want. Ronnie Wu was a guest a long time ago. He's a chef, used to be a therapist.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And he said something that really stuck with me, you know, and talked about like, be the action person. that you want your partner to demonstrate. So it's just like, you know, his basic example is like, if you want someone to text you back right away, don't wait three days to reply to them because you're worried about seeming too eager, but what you really want is for them to quickly reply.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So be the example of the behavior you want from your partner. So if you want directness, if you want assertiveness, be direct, be assertive. You are following his lead of being a little cryptic, hesitant, unsure, but you're both just waiting for the other person to say something. And yeah, would it be ideal to have the man in the relationship step up, take the lead, take charge? Sure.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah, it would. But if you're still like him, still care about him, you still see his potential and potential is very dangerous, you might as well just be the action that you want to have a relationship with him and see if he follows your lead. So you go to ask them to park and you just say, I want to give this another shot. I really, I care about you.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I honestly, I'm not sure if you want it or not to. I've honestly thought there are a couple of times you might say what I'm saying to you now, but I just wanted to say it. I don't know exactly how you feel. I want us to try again. If you feel the same way as I do, I would want us to at least, because I think we have a hard time communicating. I do. I think we're not, I think we have a hard time.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I would love us to like, maybe like consider like couples therapy, even if just to like help us early in the early stages of dating, help us communicate more effectively. I know you were resistant to it, but like it's important to me. And is that something you'd willing to do with me? And if he's resistant to it, then you kind of have your answer. And if he's open to it, then like there's a shot.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
A year and a half. So, like, even before they got divorced, like, what was this kid doing or not doing? Like, how toxic was their relationship? Or were they just, like, forgetting about their son or something? Like,
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Okay, so text them and ask them to the park and say this in person.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah, but be direct. Don't breed around the bush. This should take you less than 60 seconds to get out.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And you should practice saying it before you say it. And it's not like, well, I was thinking this, but you don't couch everything. You don't water it down by like, if you're interested and if you're, it's like, no, this is what I want. I'm hoping you feel the same. This is what I'm going to need from you to do this. If you feel the same way, there's one extra hook. That is, we need to do this.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Okay. I think I can do that because I do, I want the clarity. If we're going to try it, then okay, let's try. But if not, then I don't want the conversations back and forth. I don't want a friendship.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And if you don't want that, I totally understand. But respectfully, I do appreciate the apology. And I know we've sent some notes back and forth, but like, if you don't want to do this, then like, I really need to be like done with this because I care too much about this. Can you just please respect that and not reach out? Because I'm not going to be reaching out to you.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Let me set the stage. You have your kid. You want to have a night out. You and your man or lady deserve some quality time. But who is going to take care of your kids? Grandma's not available. The normal babysitter has plans. Well, that's where Sitter City comes in and can save the day.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
So before he called me, we, you know, we're exchanging text messages. He reached out to me. My dad was in the ICU. So I just told him about that. And in that moment he had asked, you know, well, let's get you out of the house, go to the dog park. Initially I said yes, but I actually, the day later, I did change my mind. I didn't want to see him.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I don't want to keep seeing him without that, without a direction. So I did tell him, Hey, you know, thanks for being there, but I actually don't want to go to the dog park. My feelings are, my feelings for you are still present. So I was like, this was recent. This was before the phone call. And I said, my feelings are present and I don't think it would be healthy for me to see you.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
He never responded until when he called me and then brought chicken and didn't say anything.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I mean, I don't know what this guy's gonna say. But it's really important that you're direct and finite. You say what you say, and you don't leave open anything for interpretation. And if you don't get the answer you want, you say goodbye. And you very nicely, very directly just ask him to respect that boundary and then be done.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah, it was. Um, so she was a stay at home mom and they, they, you know, had this arrangement. She, he was pretty much, I mean, worked constantly, traveled for work a lot. She was the primary parent. And so I believe from my perspective, and again, this is my perspective, is that he really took a step back in the parenting role and let her do it.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Because what's kept you invested is the lack of clarity, the questions, the crypticness, the hope. All he does is introduce questions for you to ponder. Yeah. So you're there to like, stop asking questions. You're there to show up and make a statement and present an opportunity to him, give him an opportunity in that moment to say yes or no. And if he's not capable of saying yes, that means no.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You know, maybe I don't know, or all knows. We'll see. I have to think about it. I mean, I, you know, if he's like, I got to think about it, just like, well, if you haven't been thinking about it.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But like, yeah, I have my answer if you need to think about it, but you really have to be, I'll never forget. It was like my, my first girlfriend, I think we were 19 or time, you know, we met or many breakups, but you know, we were in one of our breakups and you know, she was probably just dating other guys, not telling me or whatever.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But, you know, situationships weren't a thing back then, but, you know, I guess that's what we were doing. And she's just like, you know, she had the power, right? She wanted to break up because she wanted some freedom. I wanted to be with her. So she had all the power, but we were still talking. So it was like, I don't know. I'm not ready to be in a relationship yet. Maybe someday. I don't know.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And she was just kind of being the fuck boy, right? And I remember where I was, I was on my parents' driveway and I just called her up. I'm like, this is bullshit. You know, like you're playing me, you know, I'm just kind of done.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And wouldn't you know it, she literally showed up at my parents' house five minutes later, drove, you know, and it was like, you know, and I wasn't mature enough or old enough at the time to realize it, but like, yeah, all it took was me to put my fucking foot down. All it took is for me to just show a little bit of fucking gumption, a little bit of like, stop being the victim in this situation.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Stop letting her have all the power. Stop, you know, letting her take control of the situation and just be, have the guts to say, I'm not going to let you treat me this way. Like this is bullshit, you know? And immediately I took that power back, which is why she showed up at my parents' house and was like, no, let's get back together.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You know, you know, so sometimes you've got to show a little guts.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I know, yeah. I mean, listen, yeah, again, you did the very hard thing early on, but he was able to...
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah. Just he, I feel like it was like, uh, I was giving him, he diluted my water.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
It's also challenging when someone you care about says I'm depressed, you know, you're not a doctor, you know, like, I don't know, even like, even if you were a therapist, like, you know, like what, sometimes people just are depressed and there's, I don't know, like, yeah, I guess you can take medication.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
There's, I don't know, but like, it's a very helpless feeling to care about someone who's going through depression. Right. So I get it. Like you kind of had, almost no expectations. And then when this man shows up and says, I'm really sorry for how I treated you, it probably felt like, wow, wow, wow. I'm really like, wow.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You know, cause you have like the lowest of expectations of someone who's like depressed, but, and he kind of got you with your low expectations of him. But regardless of his depression, and I empathize with what he's going through, you deserve a certain level of care and treatment.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And if he can't give it to you or doesn't want to, you need to walk away and you have the right to say that and not coddle him.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Okay. So I'm going to text him and I'm going to say, I want to talk to you. Meet me. Yeah. Do I give him like the day or do I? I mean, sure.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
It's not like, hey, you have to meet me in 12 minutes or else. But like, yeah. Yeah, I know. I'd like, I want to meet with you. Let me know when you have time.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And he should be pretty accommodating, assuming that it's easy to schedule. You show up and then just tell him exactly what you want and be open to anything, you know?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And he didn't agree on it. And instead of saying, listen, let's align on our parenting styles, you know, she basically was a she, this is his story that, you know, she stuck a iPad in front of his face at a very, very young age while he was eating. And so now, like the screen time and food is extremely tied together.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But if you don't get a fairly quick, I would like that too. And yes, then you have your answer.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And that's all I want. I just want the clarity.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Okay. Well, let's make sure that's what you're looking for. And if, again, anything other than a yes is a no.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah, I don't want a maybe. This has been going on since we officially broke up in November.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And you can say, listen, I showed up today because I've been sensing that I thought maybe you wanted to say this and this is something you want. So like I'm here because I want it too. But if you aren't, Claire, then I guess I was wrong. And if you need to think about it, then I have my answer. And I guess maybe I just read that differently and that's okay. I'm not upset.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But I just, and kind of like in a way without leaning in too hard, Again, show him the behavior that he probably wishes he had the guts to be, which is just fucking direct.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
All right. Well, keep me posted. Love to know how this goes.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah, I will. But I do want to take a moment to say, so I went through something like really, I went through a really bad breakup three years ago. And I've been listening to you for so long. And there was a moment that I was, I mean, I was just so, I was so down. This guy had lied.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
for had a whole different life that I didn't know about so it was really hard and I was just crying and I was listening to your podcast and I was just crying in the bathtub and you had said something and I don't I honestly don't remember what it was but you had said something and it was just that instant click in my in my head and it just it was and I really can't 100% describe it but it was a scent it was just such a sense of relief for me and I just do want to say
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
you know, thank you. Cause I do think that what you're doing, yeah, sure. It's like, it's a podcast and you guys talk about reality TV, but when you have those moments for people, like those are like, you're, you're affecting people's lives and that helped me so much. And yeah, I just wanted to say thank you.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Well, I appreciate you saying that. And I, I, this, this, uh, ask Nick is my favorite part of, of what I do. Cause like the other stuff is, It's fun, and I hope people find enjoyment out of it, and I hope it gives them a little bit of lightness in an otherwise heavy world, but this stuff is meaningful, and I enjoy it, so thanks for saying. All right, take care. Thanks, Nick. All right, bye-bye.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
he eats just a couple of things, which when I say runs the house, that's kind of what I mean. Like my boyfriend has to make, um, his own food or food for us and then food for the kid, which I, you know, I've heard from many friends that have kids that that, you know, okay, well that's normal. You say you'll never do it and then you end up doing it, but it's,
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
to an extreme level where he will try and call for his mom if you know if he doesn't get what he wants food wise or screen time wise but yeah so so she kind of took the primary parenting role and so now he's got 50 50 custody and he's kind of forced to be a parent now let me ask you this like you have concerns what's your boyfriend's level of concern
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
he has gotten offensive when I bring it up, you know, like, Hey, listen, I'm concerned about this. And you know, it's coming from a place of like, I hope to have a kid someday. I was hoping to have a kid with my ex-husband, but that didn't work out. And so I'm thinking, okay, well, is this the person I want to parent with? So I'll try to bring things up.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And of course he gets defensive about his parenting style, you know, or like, um, my kid's going through a lot. He's dealing with the divorce. He's dealing with this and that.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah, I know. It's just kind of like, He's a very privileged child from two very privileged homes. And I don't know. I just have a hard time relating to the kid.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah. Well, listen, I guess my answer is you're just going to have to figure out a way to communicate how you feel regardless of how your boyfriend responds because his response is telling about a great many things about the relationship. You've been dating this guy for a year and a half. It's a decent amount of time. It's relatively early. You still have a lot to learn about each other.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But all I need to know is that this nine-year-old doesn't know how to ride a bike or tie their shoes to know that this kid's falling behind. And the other things that you describe...
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
honestly sound a bit alarming i don't know how common this is but yeah you know like you always hear stories about kids these days and things like that or gentle parenting and like you know i'm so grateful obviously that mental health is is far more considered in general both for society and for children that, that we understand childhood trauma and the impact it has on children.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I'm grateful that we better understand young children. And like, you know, in the first couple of years, like you, it really, you can't overspoil a child, you know, like, you're it's, you know, rivers on 14 months now. All right. And now she's starting to throw, starting to, you know, stop her feet a little bit, you know, and we're, you know, we gently like might take something away.
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
We're not punishing her at all. You know, she's just, we're just trying to love on her. Right. At some point there's going to be a time where a timeout might be needed, you know, and she's going to scream and stop her feet. Like it's interesting as a parent, you know, at first when your baby's just crying and you just want her to, You just want to take care of them.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But now we can tell the difference between she's hurt because she fell down and she had a boo-boo versus like, nah, she is expressing herself and, you know, she's upset, you know? And so how we treat that is a little differently, you know?
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
And we're trying to walk that fine line, but it's really concerning that, you know, there are children out there who are lacking emotional resilience because of, you know, a great deal of things. I mean, like there are more and more divorces out there.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I really empathize with, with both the children and parents going through divorce because yeah, it's, it's heartbreaking just because again, you'd want to have that connection with your child. And I, I, you know, I truly can't imagine, but that being said, you know, it's, this is important. Right. And especially, you know, young men need to, you know,
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
I really am concerned about young men, period, in general. I know there's a show on Netflix now and I haven't watched it yet because it's dark and whatever, I think adolescence or whatever. Just like all the kids who grew up in the pandemic on their phones, on Snapchat, where parents, you know, really didn't understand the dangers. Didn't understand that these devices were weapons.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
These devices were an access point for literal predators to have access to their children. Those predators could be people, those predators could just be websites, algorithms, You know, it's a scary world out there. And you need diligent parents to be, you know, loving your child isn't just, it's not being best friends with your child. It's not being the favorite parent.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Oh, yeah. And it's easy for me, I think, again, to kind of come in and be like, wow, I'm seeing this from a bird's eye view. Like, I see the future. I see, oh, God. But, you know, sometimes my boyfriend will say, you know, they kind of joke that you know, we're just pals. We're bros. And I'm like, but you're not bros. You're his dad. Like you're his father.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Like it's fun to have like a night where you're like, yeah, we're just palling around or we're going to bro time out. But like they always say it. And I think it's softening the relationship between him and he's afraid to sort of Be a parent, you know, and but I will say that we had just started last week couples therapy pretty much around the kid, although I sort of didn't say it was for the kid.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
But, you know, I also want to know kind of what my role is. And if I'm stepping into this, I've met the ex-wife. I think she's fine. She's lovely. She's very kind to me. I do worry about their ability to even communicate, which I think has an effect on the child, but couples therapy went great. And I was amazed about how non-defensive my boyfriend was. So I was like, okay, so there is hope here.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Like, cause at first I was like, you know, for the first probably six months, I was like, oh God, he's not listening to me. I worry about But I guess I do think that there is hope, which is great.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
Yeah. I mean, first of all, the fact that you guys are in couples therapy is a great sign, right? Like that's obviously that it's just the opportunity to have a mediator is always helpful. I would say just try to come from a place of support and empathy.
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
You know, Natalie and I were, you know, obviously as new parents kind of, we do a lot of talking about what we think we might do as parents as River gets older and we're just kind of figuring it out. Obviously it's very fun to, you know, and we're very privileged and fortunate for, you know, as parents to,
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
take a quick trip to new york and and stop at a baby store and buy something for river because it's fun and truly it's like more for us than for river you know like she gets excited but we get excited getting her excited but you know now and i have talked about you know when she gets older we have to be careful you know and we've talked about how we want our daughter or kids in general to behave around adults and and how we want them to be respectful and how we want them to
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E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
grow up in this world. And I think it just comes down to maybe, again, empathize. First, it's always empathizing with their position, empathizing with the fact that as a single dad going through a divorce, totally get the fear of not being connected with his son because he has the chance for mom to be the fun parent. But
The Viall Files
E927 Ask Nick - His Brother Is A Bum
It really is like what, you know, I would ask what, what do you want for your son? I'm guessing his answer might just be like, I want him to be happy. But honestly, like that is not my goal for River. My goal for River is to like teach her the skills so that she has the ability to build a life for herself as an adult that will eventually bring her happiness. But like,
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Even if you were like, yeah, I didn't sleep with him for like six months. Again, I can understand why he's not getting his needs met, but there's other ways of addressing your needs not getting met that don't require what he did. And then again, like as emotional needs, like I know, I understand you called yourself a troll while pregnant, but at the same time, you're referring to physical needs.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So back to why you're having a hard time fully believing the story. If his argument is my needs weren't being met and you're aware that his sexual needs weren't being met, then his story isn't adding up, so to speak. But more importantly, I want to understand
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
why he did what he did in terms of why he chose to, in that moment, not consider your needs, his child's needs, why he still needed to reach out to this person. Like what in his life was he having a hard time dealing with? What about his past, his childhood made it possible for him to act out in a way that anyone listening would be like, what a piece of shit.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I mean, your first child was born in trauma.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Well, I do think, listen, I imagine you probably have some resentment and anger towards your husband as a result of your daughter. I do think that being said, you guys can deal with that.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes. So bear with me when I say this, but if I were in your shoes, I guess it would just be like, I would need, I just think from time, like, like I'm curious from time to time, does he ever just like out of nowhere look you in the eyes or whatever and just say, I'm really sorry I hurt you that way.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I know you, you know, it's like, I just feel like from time to time being someone in your shoes, you almost, you need that.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
a lot of time i guess does he need to co-sleep every night no gosh no so like maybe they're just like you just have to be intentional and deliberate with when you know as you know you you have to schedule intimacy sometimes when it comes to having kids which seems clunky and unromantic but it's not it's just one of those things where like i think when we're young and single and naive and we you know our life's in front of us and
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
We have nothing but hopes and dreams. We want, you know, we want the storybook and we want to always have the romance be easy and effortless and not have to try. And I'm like, that's just not reality. So part of it is just being, you know, intentional with that type of stuff.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But I think the general problem you guys are having is very typical in a relationship that, you know, is trying to survive infidelity. And that is, as you know, the pain never really goes away. I would be, it's probably safe to say on, at some level, there's something that happens every day where you're reminded of what happens.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I'm guessing you're been, you've gotten much better at letting it come and quickly move on through your body, so to speak. I'm sure in the past you would dwell on it a lot longer. You would hang on to it. It would fester. You would react, yada, yada. You've gotten much, much better at that. I'm sure you have your bad days, but the point is it doesn't really go anywhere.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
On the flip side, for him, I don't know how much he thinks about it, but I can safely assume that he wants to forget it happened. He wants to not be reminded of how much of a piece of shit he was.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I don't know what regrets that he has or when he looks at your daughter's anxiousness of what guilt he feels, but I'm hoping a little bit, and not because I want him to feel that guilt throughout, but he did some shit, and I can understand why he wants to pretend it didn't happen.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And you both, I think, have to find that common ground versus you recognizing that you can't wake up every day and expect a new apology because you want to be sorry, so to speak. But on the same time, every once in a while, he needs to acknowledge that while you have been willing to forgive him and let go and process all this, like he needs to acknowledge it like it happened.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
He can't erase the past. And he needs to be empathetic to the fact that like, it's still a very sensitive and triggering event for you. And an acknowledgement to that from time to time, I'm guessing would go a long way. Totally. And I think if I'm you communicating just like things he can do, which may not feel fair to him, but I don't give a fuck about what feels fair to him at this point.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And that is, and then what I mean by that is just like, For example, I don't expect hopefully to reach out again, but I'm guessing, listen, when you were pregnant and he was doing this, it's safe to assume you felt very untaken care of. You felt very alone. You felt very unsafe. You felt very like deprioritized.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And but more specifically, untaken care of in a time where more than any time in your life. why do you want a fucking partner by your side? It's when you're fucking pregnant, when your body is like betraying you. And from inside out, you don't feel like yourself. You don't know what's going on. And you wanted an emotional rock. And he was the opposite of that.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I'm guessing when you fight this, this reaction of like him needing to concede comes from this place of almost him trying to forget it happened.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Why are you sorry? I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You don't need to apologize for crying. I'm going to ask you a question and my question isn't to imply that you made the wrong decision or you should have did what I'm asking you why you didn't do it. I want to be clear about that. and I think I know the answer, but why didn't he reach out to her when she reached out to say, stop it.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I don't want to hear from you. This is inappropriate. Please leave me and my family alone. I regret what happened. It was a huge mistake. Never reach out to me again.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah, but I think that's, again, not a therapist here. But what I'm hearing right now is you guys are both, in your own way, trying to just be like, we have a new life that's so in the past, and it's almost like we shouldn't be bringing it up. And I get that logic, right?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I think a lot of times when people deal with infidelity, hopefully through couples therapy and marriage therapy, there's a clear, like, almost...
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
line drawn in terms of like now that we are addressing it now that we're working on the problems now that we are really addressing the the whys in terms of how this happened we're going to both give each other the benefit of the doubt now that we're choosing to work through this and then kind of almost being like relationship a everything that led up to the infidelity that's
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
That was relationship A. That was in the past. And we're starting almost a new relationship in terms of like the new approaches, new tools and yada, yada, yada, which makes a lot of sense. But again, in reality, the person who was cheated on, they don't forget about that shit, right? And so I think there's a little bit of common sense put in there.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I think what you guys are trying to do is like, he's just trying to pretend it never really happened. And he wants to make sure that you guys are healthy. You know, you're both telling yourself the same narrative, which is like, we're good now. We're healthy. We're better than we've ever been. We had a second child. We're not supposed to be dealing with this shit right now.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I think that's just a bit unrealistic. I think you both have to acknowledge that while you're happy, assuming this is true, that you worked through this, you're still together, you're grateful you have a second child. You both wish it didn't happen, but it did happen. And you both need to give each other the grace that at whatever time
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
you're triggered by what happened in the past, there needs to be a safe space to bring it up, especially in your case, without him getting defensive or frustrated. And again, sure, if you start bringing this up every day, And he's constantly having to address it. I could appreciate what he's like, again, I have, oh my God, like, do you want to forgive me or not? But I'm not hearing that from you.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I'm hearing almost a reluctance to even go there ever because you're not sure it's a safe space to say, I'm still struggling with what happened five years ago.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
That makes sense. Yeah. I don't know if it works for anyone's brain. I think that's a concept that's like, in theory helps you get to the frame of mind, but like, Yeah.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And when you say you're not sure, I'm assuming you think there might be a physical cheating as well. Yeah. Do you assume he had sex with her?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I'm not trying to plant seeds of doubt in your head.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Gotcha. So the classic, you were on the iPad type of thing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
No. I mean, listen, at this point, I do think you kind of have to let that part go.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Whether that's deciding that more happened and you're just going to let it go, knowing it's just like, what's the fucking difference? I would have forgiven him anyways. I don't know how much more I could have hurt. You do have to just let that part go. And I don't mean let the pain go, but just like, what's the fucking difference? He cheated on me.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
The devil isn't in the details, I think, sometimes when it comes to that. I think we like to torture ourselves.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
um and we you know we tell ourselves we need to know everything because i don't know like we want to see what we're capable i don't know i don't know why we do it so i do think when it comes to that you have to at your best just be like yeah he did it and it doesn't do you any good i can't help but wonder her message the way you know her message if i'm in your position i could see why that would for someone who didn't fully believe the story i can see why that message
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
might trigger those fears. I'm not like that. That took, you know, listen, it sounds like maybe this person that needs, like you said, need some help, but the level of, I don't know, the level of whatever the fuck it was that had it in her to send that message that she did.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah. So that's this kind of crazy on her part. I guess my only advice I could offer you at this point is like, I think you need to find a way to say, I'm not just struggling. It's not just the baby. And yes, me just having a baby. Yes, me being postpartum. I'm sure is playing a role in why I'm so emotional. But at times, I still struggle with this.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Obviously, it was very triggering for her to bring up. I just need a safe space for me to be able to say, I am struggling with this without necessarily him feeling like he needs to get defensive. But you need to be able to talk with him through this. And he needs to be able to listen and say, you know, hear you out.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And if it requires a, like, you know, him listening to say, I know you don't need me to say this. I know I've said this, but as always, like, I, I am so sorry. And there isn't a day that goes by that I wish I could take it back. And I see how it's affected our family and just allow you to vent and allow you to get it out there and allow you to just communicate that
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And when you say you were pregnant, you were a troll. What do you mean by that? Like,
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I feel like that would go further than it's going now, you know, because right now you have it inside you. you're all emotional. You get in a fight, you get triggered. It's like, you don't feel like you're allowed to bring it up because you feel like, Oh, we're, we've agreed. It's in the past. It's obviously still inside you.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And that's where that kind of subconscious brain sounds like it's like demands almost him to just concede whatever fight, you know, it's like, so rather than that, I'd rather have to say, Hey, listen, just, you know, like, it's just, I feel this, you know, and I want you to hear it because like right now, I'm angry. I'm angry and I'm feeling triggered.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And right now you might be right about whatever we're fighting about, but I'm just so fucking angry that I want, I need you to be wrong, you know, in a weird function.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
you wish you could forget his betrayal, but unfortunately no one's invented that yet. So he needs to acknowledge that while you've accepted that you'll never be able to forgive that. And you'll always work on that. And you have worked on not letting it ruminate and things like that.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But he needs to then, while you're not expecting him to apologize every day or every week or at all, but he needs to acknowledge that while you have to live with this truth, he has to live with the fact that for the rest of your relationship, it may come up at times where he finds it to be unfair or inconvenient, but it's also unfair to you that you have to live with this for the rest of your life.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And that's something he needs to accept and acknowledge and almost say, I understand. And if I were you, it would be the same. And I think hearing that from him, I would hope would go a long way, but he needs to... I think he needs to... I think you both need to, maybe through couples therapy, kind of address the elephant in the room where it's just like...
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Are you like suggesting like you were just kind of mean to him? Are you saying that?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I feel like I am not allowed to express the pain I still sometimes feel because it was five years ago and it almost feels like I have to suppress this pain that, well, again, I acknowledge that we've worked through it, but it never goes away. And certainly having a new kid and her reaching out has brought, and that's another thing you guys need to acknowledge.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
There may be periods in which you are fine, where you go through seasons of things are pretty good, But things might trigger you, whether it's her reaching out, you guys having another kid. I don't know. You just maybe emotionally just not being your best self stresses about the relationship. And he needs to be able to offer you that grace and say, you know what? That makes sense.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I wish it didn't. I wish we could all make this go away. But I understand why it doesn't. And just... at least he can, now he can get the heads up of what you're upset about. And so now you, he, you know, give him the opportunity to address what's actually you're angry about.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
You're not angry why he's not closing the cabinets or, or forgetting to do something you've asked him for the 10th time. Yeah, it's annoying, but that's not why you're losing your shit. You're losing your shit because you still feel the pain and, and you're reacting to that pain. And he is coming across as almost dismissive because he's not really addressing your pain.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah. I think there's a difference between moving forward, but you still are allowed the grace to have it come up and you are still allowed to be triggered by this. And when you are triggered... you still need a partner. I mean, he's your husband. You know what I'm saying? And your husband, I'm assuming, is there to help each other deal with whatever triggers or emotional stresses you're facing.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And this is something you're facing. He caused it. And while I understand that you have to, on some level, focus on moving forward within reason... You need to be allowed to have a moment or be triggered and work through that trigger, not alone. It's just like, hey, he doesn't get to be like, hey, I'm here to help with anything that you're going through, except for the thing that I caused.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
You were more reactive than you feel like you normally are. And he got the brunt of it kind of thing.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Because honestly, I'd like to just pretend it didn't happen. And I've already said, I'm sorry. So it's just not really fair to me for you to bring it up anytime you're triggered. Like, I don't that doesn't seem realistic or or fair.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So I think maybe the conversation with him is one starts with saying, listen, obviously, you know, I'm emotional right now. I'm sure the postpartum is playing a role. And I do not I don't want to be reacting the way I'm reacting to you. I don't like how I'm acting to you. That's not who I want, the type of wife I want to be, you know, et cetera, et cetera.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
It's not the type of energy I want in our relationship. And I am sorry I'm reacting the way I'm acting. I've been thinking about why. And I think just sometimes, like, I know we talk about moving forward. I know about putting the past in the past, but like, as you know, and I'm sure you can imagine her reaching out was really triggering for me. That wasn't easy. It brought up a lot of skeletons.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So you found out through the Mac. Right. And then you said it was going on for a while. What do you like? Did it contain like how long into your pregnancy did you find this out?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And if I'm being totally honest, like sometimes it happens, you know, maybe it's something you say, maybe it's a feeling I'm feeling, maybe something I observed that brings up something in the past. It doesn't always need to be her reaching out. And I don't need you to apologize every day. I know you're sorry.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But when I am triggered, I don't feel like I can really address it with you because I feel bad about bringing it up as if I'm trying to throw it in your face. And I really wish we could have a safe space so that when I do get triggered by this, that I can still talk through it with you. Because I know you're sorry, but to be honest, every once in a while... I still have to live with this pain.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I guess whether it's fair or not, I just still need to know that you feel the regret from this happening, you know? And I just want to be able to, I need my husband to be there for me when I'm triggered about this, even though you were the cause of it.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
yeah but you just have to be careful not like blaming him for that no i know no even though it's his fault um she's very very sweet but she definitely is very anxious and it's going to be something that we do have to address for sure you'll have to address it you'll have to challenge her too you know like you know again i'm not here to tell you how to parent but yeah um
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But yes, you've addressed it at a young age. There's things you can do. Your second child might incur something that causes them to be anxious. Who knows? We can't predict life. Shit happens, unfortunately. And all we can do is our best to move on and recover from it. But I think it's the whole...
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Moving on part versus the recovery part that is you guys are having a hard time figuring out what's right and what's wrong, because I think there is a moving forward and a moving on. But you have to be realistic, both of you, in terms of just like, hey, I'm a human being and I don't forget.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And every once in a while, while I wish I could forget this ever happened, I am reminded and triggered sometimes. And when that happens, I need to be able to talk with you about it without feeling like I have to protect you.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah, I don't know. If I'm him, I want to do whatever I can to move forward. And this isn't an effort to move forward. Again, as I always say, lead with love. You're not trying to come at him. You're not trying to attack him. You don't want to feel this way. You don't want to keep fighting with him. You guys are in agreement on that.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So this is all in an effort to continue to work on the both of you. But like... There is an elephant in the room that clearly you guys feel like you shouldn't be bringing up because at some point in the past, there was a promise that we're moving forward and that's just how we operate. And you're not dealing in reality when it comes to that stuff.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Well, I appreciate listening. Again, I'd be interested in getting his POV.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But maybe, listen, hopefully it's not necessary. Hopefully you sit him down. You have this conversation. Hopefully he's generally receptive to it. He should be able to understand that her reaching out, if nothing else, was a very triggering event for you. And this happened when? Like, well, you're still pregnant?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Okay. So, but shortly within a year of you having your second child being postpartum, she reached out. Very triggering. This is all was centered around your first pregnancy. He needs to be able to acknowledge that. And honestly, I wish he was a little more proactive about, with saying, hey, are you okay?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And it would go a long way for him to be able to get past his shame for doing what he did and be willing to check in with you more often.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Well, that's the thing where you guys, I think there needs to be a slight adjustment here. Again, I'm kind of repeating myself. But like there is a difference between moving on and then being delusional and trying to push and suppress things that happen and emotions that are coming up. I understand why he wished it could go away.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But the simple fact that he was kind of like, oh, wait, wait, no, go, go, go away. Suggest that he knows that it's still potentially an issue. Otherwise, why would you wish something to go away? I would I would really like to have happened has him say, all right, like, let's just talk about it. First of all, are you OK? That must have been really hard, babe. I am really sorry that happened.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
You know, I'm really sorry she did that. Obviously, you know I had nothing to do. I hope you believe that I have nothing to do with that. Is there any question? Again, he needs to be every bit of the person he wasn't when he did this shit. And that, if nothing else, will continue to show you. And that's what you want to see, right?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Through his empathy of checking in with you, through his being willing to say, hey, babe, are you okay? Is there something you want to talk about? is this triggering for you? I know we put them in the past, but do you want to work through something that will show, I'm assuming for you, that would show you that his, his commitment to the relationship, he's still invested. He's still sorry.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
He's, you know what I'm saying? Like he's, I want to still see that shame. I don't want him to let go of that shame. I want him to be reminded of what everything you fuckers had to work through to get to the point now. Because the moment he completely lets go of the shame, I guess in some ways you're going to be worried that this could happen again.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I'm not a big on like shaming for teaching, especially when it comes to kids, but like shame can be a useful tool for ourselves at least, you know? And I think a healthy amount of shame and disappointment on his part that he maintains the rest of your lives in relationship, I don't think is a terrible thing.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
When you said you kept finding things, does that mean like you just... Because that communication wasn't over. Oh, I see. So after you caught him, he still kept talking to this person.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And that's a level of security that you have that like he needs to, it should not be so easy for him when you get triggered for him to brush it away and hope that it's already been handled. And he needs to acknowledge that for the rest of your relationship, every once in a while, he's going to have to deal with his choices back then.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And at that point, if you guys can create that safe space, then it's on you to be reasonable with your anger and how you express that anger. And, and, and when he is willing to create that space and talk, then you need to take advantage of that safe space and not be so reactive and so demanding of him conceding fights that have nothing to do with this.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
you nailed it okay all right well please keep us posted uh all right we're dying to know uh but there's a there's a path forward i'm here and um if he doesn't do what you hope then then say i need i need him to do this it's cheaper it's cheaper than therapy we don't even charge
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah. No, it's free. All right. Well, sorry you're going through this. Congratulations on your family. I know this sucks, but listen, you're not alone. You're not alone.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
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The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
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The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
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The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
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The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
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The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
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The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
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The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
You've heard us talk about the Mongolian cashmere sweater that's only $60 at Quince. They have a lot of great pieces like that that you would think would be far more expensive than they are that are incredibly high quality and some really unique pieces you can't just find anywhere. Looks very lovely.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
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The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But your whole pregnancy, he claimed to be done with it and you kept finding out that he wasn't?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
You'll be frustrated you didn't go there sooner. I promise you that. One of my new favorites from Quince is their 100% yak wool crew neck sweater. It is extremely comfortable and perfect for the crisp fall weather. So be sure to check that out. Upgrade your wardrobe with pieces that are made to last with Quince. Go to quince.com slash V-I-A-L-L for free shipping. On your order in 365 day returns.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash V-I-A-L-L to get free shipping in 365 day returns. Quince.com slash V-I-A-L-L. How's it going?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Okay. And how are you made aware of this? Through her directly or through your girlfriend?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Gotcha. And as your girlfriend, is she coming to you with this information as, Hey, this sucks that my sister hates you and we need to figure out how to get her to not hate you. Or is she just kind of like, I guess my sister hates you. I don't really know why, but like, I don't. So is it bothering you or is it affecting your relationship?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Okay. And then what was the... It was a wrap. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And then I guess every time you, I guess, found out he was lying, what happened?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
To be clear, that was her sister, not your partner. She didn't care. How did your partner feel about it?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Gotcha. And did your partner have a child like the old fashioned way or through surrogacy? Like, did she come out of the closet that she used to? Like, I guess what's her backstory in terms of her sexuality? Is that playing a role?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Oh, okay. I mean, other than just ignorance or her deciding to hate you, but why do you think the whole lesbian conversation is a problem for her sister?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Well, I don't care how you handled it right now. I mean, within reason. You said both times, you have two kids?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
It also suggests that it also suggests that her sister has a problem with the word lesbian and somehow thinks it's a dirty word, which is like literally who I am. What would be like, I don't know. Okay. What else?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I mean, who knows? You know what I'm saying? Who knows why people do and think what they say or the sense of entitlement. You just said one thing. The dog thing is an opportunity for you. Okay. The lesbian comment, that just seems like pure ignorance on her part. I can completely appreciate why you find that to be offensive and frustrating and hypocritical on her.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And, and I, you know, I think you have every reason to push back on that and set a clear boundary. But I also think quite honestly, that should come from your partner, not you. You know what I'm saying? Your partner is also a lesbian along with you. And this is definitely a, do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy situation as it relates to you?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
The dog comment, I think is an opportunity for you where you, you fucked up. If I, if just an objective person in terms of, it reminded me of a time. I have a lot of siblings as you know, right? And there was a time with one of my siblings, partner's, Now, I have some of my siblings. I love all my siblings. I would do anything for them. I like some more than others.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Did this happen the first or the second pregnancy?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
You know, I'm closer with some than others. And, you know, I'm joking when I say that, but like, we're all very different. Some of us, it's easy to get along. Some of us, it's just like we were oil and vinegar, but we love each other and we're family and yada, yada. And some of my siblings, like myself, have big personalities.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
you know, and can cause drama in the family or rub some of us the wrong way. They are imperfect people, right? And inside our family dynamic, we talk our shit, we complain, we vent to our parents, and it's all like fair game because we're family. You know what I'm saying?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
The first. Okay. And then the second pregnancy, as far as you know? Yeah.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And then there was one time where I was hanging out with one of my siblings and their partner, and their partner was talking some shit, honestly, about some of my other siblings. And quite honestly, everything they were saying about my siblings wasn't totally even wrong. But I was like, you don't get to talk shit about my siblings to me. You just don't.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I was just like, especially because some of the shit they were talking, I honestly felt like they were also guilty of and lacked the self-awareness to see it. But it wasn't really about that. It was more like, you don't get to fucking talk shit about my siblings to me just because you're dating my other sibling. You just don't get to fucking do that. I found that to be disrespectful.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I found it to be triggering, yada, yada. Well, was I right? I don't know, but it was just how I felt. And maybe it's me being the older brother, and your situations are entirely different, I understand. But I was just like... I had dealt with too many of my siblings breaking up with people, moving on with other people. It's just like, you're not married.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
You're not even in this family yet, so to speak. You don't get to talk shit on my siblings, right? So when you brought up the dog, it reminded me of that moment where it's just like, I get everyone else is talking shit about the dog, but I can see why her sister is using this as an opportunity to be mad at you. And I don't even think you did anything wrong. You know what I'm saying?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
This is more like you're going to have to figure out, even though her sister is giving you especially the comments about lesbian and you introducing that word to your child. It sounds like you guys are co-parenting. She's completely wrong there, right? And I understand why in your mind you're thinking, I can point out why the dog is a piece of shit because everyone else is.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And you're right, you can. But this is like, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy, right? And so you're going to have to figure out those things that don't need to be said by you, that you just bite your tongue about. And pick your battles so that when she does something like you have a right to be really mad and offended by, then you can choose to pick your battles.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But like, don't give her the ammunition, I guess, to shit on you for saying things that don't need to be said.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I get what you're saying and I can appreciate your frustrations. And I'm just getting the sense from you that again, you, you also, you have a strong personality and you're confident in who you are, which I love. I respect. I think it's great. I think you should own that.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I think sometimes that can get in the way of, you know, family dynamics because you want to be who you are and you should be able to, but when it comes to like siblings and, Siblings have the almost green light. Her sister has the benefit of knowing that no matter what, she'll always be my sister.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And, and that's exactly how she's acting. And she's going to play that card forever. Right. And so that's where you could just do yourself a favor and bite your tongue when you've, you know, at times in situations where you don't need to be right.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Maybe so. But listen, I will say at the end of the day, this comes down to your partner and how she wants to address this. Because if her sister wants to never give you the benefit out, she won't. And there's nothing you can do about it, really. And it's going to have to come down to your partner saying, stop it. This is who I'm with. This is who I love. You don't have to like her.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
You just have to respect her because I want you to respect me. And I don't want to choose between the two of you, but if you make me choose, I'm going to choose my partner. You know, that's ultimately what I would say if I were in your partner's shoes. And she's going to, at some point, need to do that.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
What, what, uh, you're obviously getting emotional. Um, why, why is, I mean, I, without the obvious question, but this was five years ago. So, and you're speaking about this as quite honestly, it was like maybe five months ago. Why is this so triggering for you?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I'm just saying, as far as you're concerned, control what you can control and make it easier for your partner to do that so that when she does do that, she's not being like, well, what about the comb and what about the dog? And maybe bring up things where you just feel like you're being yourself, but other people might find you to be abrasive or maybe other people might...
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
accuse you of speaking on things that they don't think you have the right to speak on as it relates to their inner workings of their family. And I think when it comes to that, you should try to bite your tongue and you should just be your partner's partner. And I understand, I think a lot of it comes from, listen, when we are dating someone serious, we want to immerse ourselves in their family.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
We want to have them be our family, want them to accept us. We want to accept them. And I think sometimes, for example, my sibling's partner, I think it was all well-intentioned. They talked like they were already in our family. And I was just like, you're not. You know, so you don't get to talk your shit. I felt a certain way about it. I'm not even saying I was right. I just felt a certain way.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I maybe have an opinion about my siblings partner. And I, you know, I'm right. So I know it's probably just this feedback to probably sound fair or what you want to do. But it's just like you're going to have to control what you can control. Because you're not going to win, even if you get your way, if it comes down to you asking your partner to alienate her sister. You're not.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Because your sister doesn't want to. And even if her sister makes you choose, you're going to end up losing. Because her sister doesn't need to always be connected the way you always need to be connected to your partner. Again, she'll always be her sister. And she'll always have that. And you have to fight against that.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And to fight against that is to really figure out what battles you need to fight and where you can just choose to be happy and you don't need to be right.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But what conversations you've had with your partner about this?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I'm getting the impression your girlfriend's very adverse to conflict.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I'm guessing when it comes to your relationship, when it doesn't include people in her family, she probably loves the fact that you are the confrontational one because you can probably fight her battles from time to time. But in this particular situation, you're just going to need her to step up. And that's, I think, a fair expectation you need to have with her.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Just be like, well, what happens... But I guess you need to check in with your sister to figure out what bothers her. Because again, this is her family. And so in terms of this whole talk that your girlfriend wants you to have, you guys need to figure out the two of you. It's just like, for example, the comment about the word lesbian. How does your girlfriend feel about that?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Did you ask your girlfriend? It's just like, why are you, why are you coming across as if you are almost embarrassed? Like, like that, that language is suggesting that she shouldn't be saying this word in front of her daughter. And it's like, right.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Well, she is going to have to at some point set some boundaries with her sister. I mean, if she is that much of a pushover, it's going to be a problem. I guess I don't know. Because you can't fight her battles for her in this particular situation, even though you do outside of the family. Because you will always then be the bad guy. And your girlfriend can't play the...
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I just want everyone to get along when it's her sister who is, you know, stirring up the drama. I do feel like there are probably things you can do to avoid the drama, but you can only do so much. Right. And your sister at some point needs to stand up to her younger sister.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah, and just say, stop it. As far as the confrontation goes, yeah, because that's the thing. It's just like, if you guys have this sit down, you need to understand what is important to your girlfriend in terms of what battles you two should be fighting together with her sister. And everything else, you could just be like, you know, I am sorry I said or did that.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I certainly didn't mean to offend. Obviously, I love your sister. And so I hope that you can learn to accept me. And I'm sorry if I says, you know, you are going to have to swallow your pride. I guess what I'm trying to say is, yeah, like if your girlfriend is unwilling to set a boundary or communicate an expectation with her younger sister, then you have no hope of winning any competition.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I think you and your girlfriend need to be more on the same page in terms of what is said to your sister. And you need to be a united front. And that message needs to be consistent.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
because your girlfriend is the glue here she just she just is i don't know all the details but like i think you and your girlfriend need to get on the same page in terms of how we feel about that whole conversation about you introducing the word lesbian to her daughter are you guys aligned are you not aligned you have the right to be offended by this you have a right to say you know you're suggesting that i somehow be ashamed of the word that describes our sexual identity
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. Well, we are super excited to get to our calls because they are wild, outrageous, and fascinating. But before we do, don't forget to send in your questions to asknick at thevilefiles.com. All right, it's time for caller number one.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I'm just not. And I don't know why you're suggesting I should be. But again, if your girlfriend's not going to be aligned with you on that, then you're just going to look like the bad guy. As far as the dog comments, as far as about other random comments her sister thinks you shouldn't be making, I would just be like, listen, I hear you. I apologize. You know, just play the victim.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Just be like, I just I really want to be close with you and your family. And if I if I rub you the wrong way, I hear you. And I do. I don't want to do that. And I will try not to. But when it comes to, you know, introducing the word lesbian, I'm I we're not on the same page. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. You have the right to your opinion, but you know, we're just not aligned and that's okay.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I just think you need to try your best to not win with her sister and not be right with her sister and not get her sister to concede anything other than accepting you and backing the fuck off.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I know. But it really comes down to your girlfriend. I don't know how you get through this unless your girlfriend is willing to confront her sister. Because what I'm ultimately hearing is...
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Your girlfriend wants a relationship with her sister and she wants everything to be fine with the two of you, but her sister has a very strong opinion about you and your girlfriend is either unwilling or unable to communicate to her sister how she really feels about how her sister is acting and is unwilling to set a very rigid boundary about what she expects of her sister.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I mean, it's kind of crazy. The picture you're painting is, is that we have this whole family trip and everyone's afraid of the little girl's sister, the youngest baby in the family. Like, who is this person? Like, why do they have so much power over everyone else? That seems kind of crazy to me.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah. I think you need to have more expectations of your girlfriend.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Because it almost sounds like your girlfriend is conveniently allowing you two to hate each other because she doesn't want to be a part of it. And she needs to pick a side. And I don't mean a side like cutting her sister off, but like she needs to say, hey, listen, stop this. You don't have to love her. You don't even have to like her. You have to be respectful around her because I love her.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Well, that's generous of you to say. Have you had multiple therapists?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
She's my partner. I'm creating a future with her. And quite honestly, sister, sometimes your words and actions kind of give like you don't accept my choices in life. You don't accept who I am as a person. You don't accept who I love. And that's offensive to me. And I need you to stop.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I need you to stop blaming my girlfriend, you, for the issues you might have with me because that's how it's sounding. It sounds like she's projecting whatever frustration she has about her sister's choices and is blaming you for it.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Maybe so. But when it comes to that stuff, I think that stuff is normal. And as much empathy and grace and understanding that you can offer, even at the risk of feeling like her younger sister isn't okay with who you are, I think that's okay. Set aside the ignorant statement about lesbian. But in terms of your personality, I think you have to allow her sister to not like you.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Just out of curiosity, and this is not to shirk my ego, but I'm genuinely curious. What is something that you heard from our show that you found very helpful that you wish you would have heard in therapy or something you've heard in therapy that you found to be almost unhelpful? You know what I'm saying? I am curious.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But she, unfortunately, as far as the family, she gets to, in a way, win. And I'm sure for you, that feels annoying and unfair. And it is. It is annoying and it is unfair. But that's family sometimes. Family is annoying and unfair, mostly. Again, there's a difference between unconditional love and unconditional like. We unconditionally, hopefully, love our family, but we definitely don't like them.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah. And we have to learn to coexist with them because they're family. And we don't get to choose our family's personalities and things like that. We choose our friends. Family, it's like, I definitely wouldn't hang out with you if you weren't my sibling. So, all right. Was this helpful at all? I don't know. Or annoying?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
to kind of keep it to herself and yeah yeah your biggest challenge is you know i'm guessing there's an element that you feel a little unsafe in your own relationship because you know how much your girlfriend's relationship with her sister matters to you and you know how much her sister doesn't like you and i can't help but wonder if that makes you feel a little less secure than you would like to feel in this relationship knowing how much it matters to her
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Sure. But like that shouldn't like one sibling's bad attitude shouldn't impact everyone else. And you should still be felt well, you know, you know what I'm saying? Because that's not what you're you're not like, hey, listen, my girlfriend's got this one annoying sister that for whatever reason she doesn't like me and we've gotten into it, but everyone else is great.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I feel completely welcomed by everyone else. And while she acts out, like, you know, I guess it's kind of annoying, but for whatever reason, the paint picture you're painting is like, this sibling has a lot of influence and power over everyone else. And it is dictating how you feel welcomed overall by everyone else.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah, that's not going to happen. So that's where you can that's where you can help yourself. You don't need to be right. You don't need to get the last word in, which I'm guessing might be a challenge for you at times. And I think that's where you need to focus on. If you really want to be a part of this family, there's a part of you that kind of needs to accept how they treat their sister.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I don't agree with it like you don't agree with it. But that's this is the family and this is how they've chosen to handle her sister. And you're not going to come into this family and change that. And that's where you need to maybe have a slice of humble pie. You know, I get it. I get where you're coming from. You're probably walking into this family and being like, this is fucking crazy.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Why they all treat this person this way? What is going on? You have to let that part of your opinion go. And your only focus should be your connection with your girlfriend and her ability to stick up for you when appropriate. But she doesn't need to pick a fight with her sister Just so you feel defended. I mean, you're really going to have to pick your battles.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I use that because, again, I think that one comment about the word lesbian is a battle I would assume your girlfriend would want to fight with her sister in terms of like, hey. But again, that's her battle to fight, not yours.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So when she says something offensive to the both of you, then you need to go to your girlfriend and say, Hey, listen, I'm going to stay out of it. But like, I'm assuming we're aligned here and I need you to, I need you to communicate that to your sister so that I don't have to.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And if you really want us to continue to get along, then don't give your sister reasons to think I'm the bad guy in situations that we are aligned.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But I guess it's, it's not about being right. It is not about right or wrong. I'm going to say this and I'm not meaning to condescend because you, you acknowledge that you don't have like a, your, your family, you know, you, you've been wanting to immerse yourself in this family because you're out, your extended family is limited. Yeah.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So maybe the reason why your approach is is because maybe, like, I have a lot of experience with annoying siblings. I have a large family. And we're all very close. And I'm saying this out of jest, but it's true. And the way you're describing her family and how they handle... the sister makes a lot of sense to me. They're just like, whatever. I don't know.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
She's, I don't know why she's the way she is. She just is. And it's just us. It's, it's easier for us to roll our eyes and just let her throw her temper tantrum. Then, then fight with her about it because she is who she is. And she's just always going to be our sibling. And then I go, whatever.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And again, they can, they, you know, some, there's sometimes with siblings, I don't talk to her for a period of time, you know, well, I'm always going to love them. And they're always going to be welcomed in, in my life. And I'm always going to be there for them. And I find them to be sometimes annoying as fuck.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And so it is easier for me to just let them do their thing because I don't need to be right with my siblings. I don't give a fuck what they do. It's their life. They can choose whatever they want, but it is my job as their brother that I always love them and always accept them for who they are. Right. And you're sitting here being like, why are you guys allowing this crazy fucking behavior?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And the answer is because it's their sister. And at the end of the day, they're just going to choose happiness. They're going to choose love. And they're just going to let her figure her shit out. And that's where you need it. If you want to be a part of this family, you need to think like this family as it relates to her sister, which is, I don't know why she does what she does, but she does.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And like, whatever. But she's going to be family. We're never not going to invite her on this trip. I think everyone might be in agreement that it might be easier to not have that bring that energy on the trip. But hey, she's part of the family and we deal with it. Does that make sense?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
You're having a hard time knowing you're right and needing to be validated for that. And I'm guessing if you can learn to let that shit go, it will go a long way with this dynamic. But your girlfriend does need to step up on topics that you guys are aligned with.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I mean, you've, you've made enough of comments. It tells me that like there are, there's a lot here that you can control. The, I refuse to apologize. Your sister is a such an, like that is energy you are wasting for no fucking reason other than your ego.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Okay. Well, I appreciate you saying, um, I'm just getting the sense from you. If the conversation were to stop right now and I had to make a guess about why you're feeling the way you're feeling, it comes down to deep down. You're still not sure if you know the entire truth.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Who gives a shit? If you apologize to this person, who cares? Honestly, who cares? Just let her be happy. Who did, who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Like, it just doesn't, it doesn't matter.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Swallow. Yeah. And just when it comes to her sister, just extend all the branches. That's what you need to do. You need to you just have to not be right.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Again, this is like a crash course in like trying to be a part of a larger extended family. And that is they're fucking annoying. And, you know, but I'm joking. But like it does matter because there is a benefit to like having that that unconditional love. And that, you know, an unconditional love, again, is very different than, I think we often confuse unconditional like and unconditional love.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And this family has unconditional love for her sister that you don't have. And you don't even like her. And it's just annoying to you. So you have to learn how to unconditionally love this girl because your partner does. Right. And treat her as such.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
All right. Good luck. Keep us posted. I'd love to know. How the trip goes.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Lead with love. Sell your pride. And just say, listen, I love your sister. All I really want is to get along with you. And listen, I'm okay if we don't always see eye to eye, but I want to respect you. I hope you respect me. And whatever I can do to keep the peace, let me know. And that's generally the message and the only thing you should say over and over and over to her sister.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
some version of that don't get into the weeds with any type of argument with her sister let your girlfriend do that right okay i won't go anywhere no absolutely not all right all right thank you so much i really appreciate your time uh likewise we appreciate your call all right thank you all right bye Helix Sleep is the perfect place to get the perfect mattress.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
It's truly the most comfortable mattress in the world, and if you've been listening to this show, you know that. And if you don't, I mean, honestly, what the heck's wrong with you? The reality is that Helix does make the most comfortable mattress ever, and they have some unique mattresses for all kinds of sleepers. Helix has a lineup of 20 unique mattresses.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
We personally sleep on the Moonlight mattress both here in LA and our place at the lake. We truly believe that every mattress, if, I don't believe in monopolies, I really, I don't, but With one exception, Helix should be in every household, in every place across this country and the world. Honestly, the world would be a better place if everyone was resting their eyes on a Helix mattress.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
That's just my opinion, but I feel very strongly about it. Helix is giving you a 100-night sleep trial. You can sleep on it for 100 nights, do whatever you want. You can try it for 100 nights, and if you're not as obsessed as we are with a Helix mattress, you can send it back. And they give you that 100 nights because they know you're going to be obsessed with it.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
You're never going to send it back. because it's so gosh darn comfortable. They also come with a 10 to 15 year warranty depending on their mattress. Surely great. Doesn't matter if you sleep hot, cold, sleeping on your side, sleeping on your stomach, you're a big tall sleeper. And for the kiddos out there, they even have mattresses for those little ones.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Designed for the growing bodies and endorsed by child sleep experts. And if you don't want to take our word for it, don't worry. It was rated the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired Magazine and even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as the go-to solution for improving your sleep.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So the good news is, is Helix is offering 25% off site-wide and two free dream pillows with any mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Plus, you can get a free bedding bundle, which includes two dream pillows, a sheet set, and a mattress protector with any Lux or Elite mattress or That's helixsleep.com slash V-I-A-L-L with Helix. Better sleep starts now. Good wipes.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Listen, it's 2024. Let's stop using scratchy paper. Good wipes are a flushable bathroom wipe that smell amazing and give a better clean and overall lead to a better restroom experience. It's a better clean. It just really is. It's everything about it is better. Toilet paper just smears. Good news is they come in a variety of scents. You know, toilet paper doesn't do that.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah, would you use scratchy, hard paper towel on your baby?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
A variety of scents. Everyone will love rosewater, shea cocoa, lavender, cedar, plus new botanical bliss. Listen, if we have to convince you why good wipes are better than regular toilet paper, I think you need to take a long look in the mirror. I really do. It just makes so much more sense. Can you really be loved if you don't love yourself?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And can you really love yourself if you're not using good wipes? I don't know if you can. I think we've said enough. If you want to upgrade your restroom ritual, you can grab good wipes at Target, Walmart, Kroger, and most local grocery stores. Just head to the toilet paper aisle and look for the bright aqua, rose, and emerald packages.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
They're also available on Amazon if you're more of an online shopper. How's it going?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I'm trying to figure out if I should pay for my friend's car repair.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Okay. So it's my best friend. It's someone that I spend a lot of time with. And just to be upfront, their pronouns are they and them. So I will refer to them as they and them.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So they're my best friends. We've been friends for about four years, but we're really good friends. We spend multiple times a week together and they know like most things about me.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
How long have you been best friends with this person?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Okay. Is there any chance of romance in either direction that you may or may not be aware of?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And then why does this person need money in the first place?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Well, so you can say it's my family's fault their car is damaged. So it was about a month ago, I was moving into my new apartment and my stepdad who was driving the moving vehicle accidentally hit their car. And the damage is very minor. It's like an inch or so on the driver's side door. It's simply cosmetic. So you could say it was my stepdad's fault, but I also had a friend who
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
that was like verbally directing the van. Like, go ahead, keep moving. And he, you know, so you could say it was his fault too. But when it happened, my friend, I could tell they were pretty upset, even though, you know, the damage was pretty minor. So I told them, hey, we'll take it to the shop. Like, we'll get it repaired. Like, I'll take care of it.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Thinking because it was such a small dent, it wouldn't be like a very high bill. So we took it to a company and we got a quote and they said it was $800. And it To me, that was kind of a lot of money. That was a high quote. I don't know if it matters, but I'm a teacher. I live paycheck to paycheck. So, you know, to me, that was almost a whole paycheck. It was something that I had to budget for.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So we took it to a few other places to see if that quote was reasonable. In other places, it was a higher quote than that. So we were going to take it to the original place to backtrack. At first, we went to the place. The repair guy said he could try to buff it out at first. And my friend...
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
said that they weren't comfortable with that so that was a little bit startling to me um and it was a little bit upsetting why weren't they comfortable with it like what kind of car is it it's bright green if that matters that's why that's part of what no it's 2017 it's just like a regular car okay it's not like there's nothing special about it and they're not like a car person no no no no all right but they're very particular about their car like
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
My dog isn't allowed in their car. Like they're very particular about their car, which is, I knew that ahead of time. So that's why I was like, knew that I, it was, you know, to get it paid for.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So their car was parked on the street and my stepdad was driving the truck, the moving truck that hit their car.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Okay. And then someone else was directing your dad and they both, I guess. Yeah. screwed up yeah and then and then scratched your friend's car yeah the front bumper yeah but no structural damage front door front door front door
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
No structural damage, not at all. It's a little over an inch long.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But it's still going on because it still hasn't been fixed yet.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
It was ongoing. And by ongoing, it sounds like this is like continue to escalate and is creating tension between you and your friend?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah. And now we haven't spoken in weeks and I've blocked them on all social media because to me, it's less about the money right now and more about the fact of how they've reacted to the situation. Not only do I think it's a little bit ridiculous that they're making me pay this, I wouldn't say making, but they're asking me to pay this money without trying cheaper ways first.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I have a friend that said I could order this paint marker that matches the make and model of a car. And we asked if we could try that first.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yes, but... My stepdad wasn't insured when he was driving the moving vehicle, so I didn't want to go through insurance. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I just, I don't know. I didn't want to go through insurance. I still could, I guess. I don't know if it's too late.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I get what you're saying. I don't know if it's too late. Well, first of all, technically it's not your choice. It's your friend's choice.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
You're not calling the cops. Correct. So I don't really think, maybe talk to a lawyer. So I'm not a lawyer and I'm not giving legal advice here. But that only matters in a particular state that, like, for example, the state of California requires you to have car insurance. Other states are different.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
If you guys lived in California and you're... I'm pretty sure that, you know, if your friend called and filed a claim... Now, granted, your friend could be like, well, I don't want to file a claim because that might raise my insurance and yada yada. They may ask who is involved and your car insurance... Their car insurance company might then try to...
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
go after i suppose your dad or the other people involved and if it was if they had insurance they would try to recoup but like we're talking and i understand eight hundred dollars is a lot of money for a car insurance company i don't know how much money it is and that is why people have insurance you know also your friend could just be like i have a scratch on my door and i don't know how it happened i'm not trying to suggest that they lied to their car insurance company but i don't i don't know if the devil is in the details here we're talking about a scratch
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I agree from everything you're telling me. It sounds like your friend's being pretty ridiculous. I mean, it seems insane to me that a friend would ask you to give up an entire paycheck for something that ultimately doesn't affect their ability to get from point A to point B. I'm not expecting them to be happy about their scratch. But as you've pointed out, you're trying to find solutions.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
They seem to be completely unwilling to hear any of those solutions out. What they want is like they want their car to be what it was before this accident happened, which, hey, listen, I get it. But they're not willing to really do anything. And where does your where do the people actually involved in this come into play in terms of like actually being the ones who compensate your friend?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Because like that would be reasonable for your dad and the other person to maybe say, sorry, how much was it? Well, we'll pay you. I don't know why you're involved.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah, no, no, totally. I agree with that. I felt like I should cover the bill first. I didn't think it was going to be that much money. I was thinking it was going to be like three, four hundred dollars.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Right, right, right, right. It's still a lot. My stepdad did give me $200. I owe my mom and stepdad money for a vacation I took, so I don't fully feel comfortable asking them for all of it.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But you're not asking for it. They did it. I don't understand.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I know. No, I know. I know. Upfront, I said because everyone was helping me move and it was like a 90 degree day in August that I was going to cover it because I felt bad. So I did offer to pay it again before I knew what the quote was. So I felt like it was my responsibility to pay it.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So to me, it's like, yes, my question is, should I pay it? But also it's like, what do I do about this friendship? Because like either way, I'm annoyed. I pay it and I lose all this money or like either way, in my opinion, the friendship's kind of over with. I really don't like how they'd handled this. Also, the car is supposed to take three days to get done. And to me, this is ridiculous.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
They're expecting me to transport them to work or pay for their Ubers the days that they don't have transportation. Not only do I have to pay a hundred dollars, but I have to pay a couple more hundred dollars in Uber fares for their transportation to and from work.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
How big is this scrap? What are we talking here? Is this like an inch? Is it like the whole door? What are we talking here?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
You're going to, I think you're going to laugh.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Your friends being ridiculous. I mean, I don't know what else to say.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Okay. So is this enough to like end the friendship over? Like to me, I mean, I don't know.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Well, how have you respond? So what I'm hearing from you is you do not like how your friend has handled this disconnect between the two of you. My question to you is how have you handled your friend's action? Like how is your response to your disappointment to your friend?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
What have you communicated to your friend as it relates to, because you're talking about, you've blocked this person and you're just like, I'm ready to be completely fucking done. And I don't, I don't know if you need to choose that. You know, I guess they could choose that. If I were you, I would say something like, listen, I, I'm in a tough position here. I'm really sorry about this.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And, you know, as you know, I'm trying to find solutions. I can't afford this. I'm a teacher. This is an entire paycheck. Even if I could afford to fix it, your expectations of me, you know, if you really want this, then file an insurance claim. Do you think this person would go so far as to throw your family under the bus?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
No, I don't think that. And that's the thing. It's like, do I just simply not pay it and just not say anything. So I didn't block their phone number. I only blocked them on all social medias. We only talked on Snapchat really. So they probably think they're blocked totally, but they're not. So to me, I was just going to wait and see if they called me.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But how do you think they took you blocking them? I can't imagine well.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Terribly. Not well at all. Like they were very, I was very much their main source of social life. So I don't think they took it well at all.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Because it was also kind of hard for me. I felt like this is someone... It kind of felt like a breakup. I was upset with this person for making me do something that I thought was crazy to ask of your best friend. So I was really let down. And I didn't want to see anything about theirs anymore. I didn't want to see things they were doing anymore. I didn't want to say something I would regret.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I just didn't want to have access to them anymore. It wasn't necessarily like an F you. It was just kind of, I wanted, I didn't want any access.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But, but you didn't communicate that to them. I'm guessing you just blocked them.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And then, and then also, did you express in detail why you didn't agree with their ask?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
No, and we didn't even have like a fight per se. They just said like my car appointment is for the end of October. I will need this, this and that. It'll be $800 and this is what I expect. And I just.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And they said, I will be sending you my Uber receipts for related expenses. Okay.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I mean, nothing. No, no, I truly don't. I don't. I don't think that.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I mean, yeah, for a lot of reasons. I mean, we're talking small claims here. I think there's mistakes on both sides. Let's focus. I mean, I don't really know or care about your friend. I mean, whatever, but you do. So and I care about you and you're calling in for advice. Your friend has every reason to be upset with you for blocking them without communicating why you're blocking them.
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And who knows what your friend is thinking and feeling in terms of why you're blocking them. And they would be entitled to be thinking whatever because you chose not to communicate why. And so now it's up to them to fill in whatever gaps you didn't express to them. And that is on you. So you think I shouldn't have blocked them?
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E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I think it was a bit preemptive. Okay. I mean, I think it seems a bit drastic from what I'm hearing to cut off your best friend for a disagreement. This is a disagreement. This is not even that big of a disagreement. I mean, I understand money's involved, so things can get more sensitive, but this is nothing to throw a friendship over.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I understand you are frustrated with how they handled it, but... In all relationships, friendships, romantic relationships, family dynamics, we're often disappointed at how people handle disappointment. And we have to have conversations about what we're disappointed about. To me, it was a bit premature of you to just be like, all right, well, I don't know.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
What did your husband say to this? How did he react to her reaching out?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I'm really annoyed by my friend and I'm really upset by how they're handling this. Block. I'm done. That seemed hasty from where I stand. Before you got to that point, I would have wanted you to say, hey, listen, like, can we talk? Because one, maybe you don't realize is I can't afford this. This is an entire paycheck for me.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And if we're just doing some basic math, your expectations of me covering your Ubers and whatever. We're talking, I don't know, two paychecks, a month's paycheck. Do you expect me to give up a month of my salary for like, well, I know you're annoyed and I would be annoyed too, but this is like a small scratch on your car, an old car. I'm guessing their car like isn't immaculate.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So many, so many other things wrong with it.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Right. So that, that, that in itself is, is, is truly insane for it to, you know, but, but you have to express that in a, in a, in a mature way and don't use words like insane. You could say, it just doesn't make sense to me why you want me, your best friend to be out a month's salary to fix a scratch when your car has a bunch of other scratches on it. Why would you want me to do that?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
No, no, no, I know that. But I'm curious, how did he... If I'm you, I would be curious about his body language. At this point, so many years later, assuming there's been healing, assuming that there is genuine regret for his actions... assuming there's some clarity in terms of why he did what he did when he did it.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Do you understand the impact that would have on my life? This scratch has no impact on this person's life other than the annoyance of looking at this scratch. And they want you to be out a month's salary? That just doesn't make sense. But you at least need to hear your friend understand your point of view and where you're coming from and then see how they respond.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
If your friend responds and says, tough luck, it is what it is, right is right and wrong is wrong, and I'm really expecting you to do this, or else our friendship is over, then let them end the friendship over this. But I don't know why you're ending the friendship over a miscommunication. It just seems like it's snowballed.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah, I can see why you think it would snowball. I think in my head, I was more... I was also upset about they had no reaction to it. I was... It didn't seem like they cared. Like when we heard that the quote was going to be so expensive, they didn't say anything about it. There was no sympathy. There was, I know this isn't, this sucks. I'm sorry.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
There was, it didn't, it didn't feel like a best friend. It felt like a car accident I was having with a stranger.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Is your friend fully aware of your financial situation?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Absolutely. And they completely tell me all the time how they don't have any debt. They always talk to me about it. Yeah, they are very aware of my financial situation.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But if this person really is your best friend, as you say they are, then you need to communicate all these thoughts and feelings. I mean, this is just a conversation you guys are choosing not to have that you should be having with a best friend. If I were you, this is what I'd say. I feel stuck.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I mean, again, well, it depends on what your goal is. If your goal is to try to work through this issue with the least amount of resistance, that would be calling. Texting, you're leaving open the door for them to interpret your text in the manner in which they're feeling about you, which is almost never accurate in terms of what message you're trying to convey. They're going to read it.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
in the emotional state of mind that they're in, not the one that you were in when you send it. And so you're hoping that they're going to receive it in the manner in which you sent it. If you call, then you have the benefit of them hearing your voice, your inflection, your body, you know, if they see you in person, they can read your body language, et cetera, et cetera.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Like it's just more forms of communication.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
again it depends on what your goal is right if your goal is to salvage this friendship then who cares with you know you should be willing to have any form of communication that you want that that works just like the last couple weeks when we haven't been talking i've been kind of like reflecting to see if like am i missing having them in my life like how am i feeling about it and i don't feel like
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Like I miss them a ton. I more miss like just having someone to hang out with as often as I was hanging out with them. So I don't really know. I'm kind of feeling like, and this isn't the first time that something like this happened. Like last year, like I won't go into it, but last year when I was moving again, something else happened and we got in a pretty big fight over that.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
So it's like, what's going to happen next time I move? It's like kind of what's in my head.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Maybe so. I still think, listen, it's one man's opinion, but there's something to be said about how hasty you have reacted to the disappointment of your friend. And so whether it's this friend or your next friend or a family member or a future partner, it sounds like you need to get a little bit better about how you communicate your frustrations.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I would hope to see frustration on his end, anger, almost like I would hope that he would almost be triggered by this. And then I would hope that he would be ultra empathetic to you and check in with you and make sure, Hey, How are you doing? Are you okay with this? Very, very attentive to your emotional needs and feelings and a kind of self-awareness of what this, of her reaching out could do.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
and this could be regardless of whether this friendship is saved i think it would do you well to kind of see this through and say what needs to be said and let your friend decide you can still work through this issue say what you need to say communicate what you need to communicate and if you need to pull back from this friendship still you can still do that but yeah because it seems like a lot to have someone that was such a major part of my life to just end the way it did so i
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I do think it maybe needs some type of a next step, whether that be closure or conversation.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah. Cause like, it's like to me, the math's not mathing for you to defer to this person is your best friend of four years and be so willing to like have them be completely removed from your life like that.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
It was just like a really big situation that was going on. And it seemed like really, really crazy to me, the things that she was asking. So to me, it was just like a lot going on and I just wanted to be, I just wanted to be done with it. That makes sense. But I understand that they are my best friend. And, you know, I think it's something that.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Well, that's the part of you that I feel like you need to work on because I don't know. Maybe there's some sort of avoided attachment. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not a therapist. I'm not diagnosing you here. But your lack of willingness to deal with this problem is a you problem. And that's a problem that will stay with you for your next relationship.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Like I said, be it friendship, romantic friendship or not. And you can't avoid moments of total disconnect with some of the closest people in your life. That is inevitable with any relationship you will ever have. And at some point, you are going to have to work through these with the people you care about and not just be willing to remove them from your life once it runs its course.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yes, friendships come and go. Maybe this friendship has run its course. Let you decide, not solely based off this interaction, because that seems nuts, but you would be making this decision
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
After like, you know what, honestly, like, you know, I don't know if we'll ever be as close because of this, because like, yeah, again, this how your friend is handling this is suggesting they lack the empathy that you would want in a close friendship when it comes to your situation.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
It gives a couple of like red flags about, you know, how this how much this person is willing to be a friend to you as opposed to their willingness to need a friendship from you. Yeah, my advice would be solely based off of you addressing the part of you that it seems so willing to avoid confrontation.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah. And I feel like I... I would feel better if I had a conversation with them. It'd probably be best to do in person, I feel.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah, and then ask yourself, how much of you deciding that you don't really miss this person comes down to you wanting to avoid the thing I'm telling you not to avoid?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah, I don't want to have a conversation with them at all.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah. Yeah. So if, if you cared enough to call in and get my advice that, that tells me you care more about this friendship than you are admitting to yourself.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah. I definitely, I definitely do care about it a lot.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
If I were you, I'd reach out to this person over the phone. Even better would be like, reach out and be like, I miss you. I'd like to talk to you. Can we get together for coffee and talk about, you know, our disconnect? I'm sorry for blocking you. And to say, I'm sorry for blocking you. I should have explained why I did that. But honestly, I shouldn't have done that in the first place.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But can we get together and talk? ask that. If they don't say yes to your offer, then say, well, can we get on the phone? Hopefully they say yes to both of those. If they don't say yes to either of those, then I would simply say, again, I'm sorry for blocking you. I'd like to explain myself when you are ready to talk. I'd love to get together or get on the phone, but I wouldn't offer texts.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
If they're like, well, just text what you have to say, say, I would rather not. And I think this is at least a phone call conversation. But when you're ready, I'm here. You say that. You make yourself available and put the ball in their court. When they do get a hold of you, you just say, listen, again, I just want to start by saying, I'm really sad that we're fighting.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I really love you as a friend. I miss our friendship. I shouldn't have blocked you. I think my reason for blocking with you is like, I just didn't really know how to handle this fight we're having. And I just kind of ran and hide. And I'm really trying to work on that on my end. But I'm really frustrated because I feel like I'm stuck in this position because I'm trying to do the right thing.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And did you feel taken care of by him in this moment emotionally when she reached out?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I was moving. You were willing to help. My family was willing to help. They were ultimately the ones that did this. I offered to pay for it, not realizing how much it would cost. And then everything kind of snowballed from there. Turns out the quote was $800. You're fully aware of my financial situation. Just as a reminder, that's an entire week's paycheck for me.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Added on top of that, your expectation of me paying for your transportation. Like we're talking about a month's salary. You're expecting me to act like an insurance company. And I'm not here to tell you to file an insurance claim, but if you want, I'm not an insurance company. I don't have these types of funds. You are welcome to file an insurance claim.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But ask yourself, again, financially, it doesn't make sense for this person to do that because the rates would go up potentially over ultimately is something that's a little scratch and this car has a million scratches.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I'm sorry this happened and I wish I could fix it, but you seem unwilling to find any other solution that doesn't include me paying $800 in all of your transportation while your car gets fixed. A, I'm just going to be transparent with you. I can't do that. I can't. Even if I wanted to, I'm not in a position to do that. I hope that's okay with you.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But in addition to that, it feels kind of almost, I don't understand why you are insisting on this since you know my financial situation and, and what you're going to make me pay all this money to fix this particular scratch while your car is still riddled with scratches. That seems almost mean. Do you realize how this would impact my life if you made me do this?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And ask them. Ask them if they've comprehended that. And hear them out. I would love to have them hear how you feel, process it, and then respond.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I would too. I want an answer to that, like why, you know?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But that's what friends do is they ask these tough questions and they express how they feel. And like, my guess, the simplest answer is they just have a completely different point of view of the situation. And while they may be aware of your financial situation, maybe they haven't considered it. Because maybe they're just in their own main character syndrome here.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I don't know why they're doing what they're doing, but there's probably a reason. And even though it doesn't make sense to us, it makes sense to them.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And hearing your point of view might change theirs.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
All right. And listen, if it doesn't go the way you want, at least you will know at that point you did everything you could. Right now, you're willing to give up a friendship not having done everything you could to save it.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah, I'm kind of just like taking the easy way out.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah, let's not do that. This shouldn't be that hard to do.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I hear you. But life requires some kind of confrontation, especially with the people closest in our life. And a solution to run from all forms of confrontation, even with the people who are closest in our life, that's a recipe for disaster for you, especially if you want to have relationships in your life.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
All right. Well, keep us posted. Let us know how it goes. But yeah, just like lead with love, lead with empathy. You do not want this friendship to end and you miss this friendship and you're hoping that you guys can figure this out. But you are simply just not in a position to meet their demands. And it seems from your standpoint, almost mean for them to expect this of you.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And you're sorry it happened. You wish it didn't. But if it really bothers them that much, you think they should file an insurance claim.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Okay. All right. And don't sell yourself out. This shouldn't be that hard. I know you don't love confrontation, but this is about you working on that and practicing that.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah. All right. Let's just close the disconnect. That's all you're trying to do here.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Thanks for listening. Again, don't forget to send your questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. Be sure to join us tomorrow for an electric episode of Reality Recap. Don't forget to join us on Wednesday for an explosive episode of Going Deeper with Ashley from Love is Blind.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
If you were left wanting more from the Love is Blind reunion regarding Tyler and Ashley and all the drama they've been dealing with online with his baby mama and all that,
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
crazy stuff be sure to tune in on wednesday because you will be fully satisfied you will leave that episode with all your questions answered because we like to do our job here at the vothouse until then we'll see you tomorrow bye
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Sure. Well, it's human. What are you guys fighting about?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Well, it's not just... I'm a mom and I'm a mess. Yeah. Listen, I guess everything you're feeling is normal. So there's that, right? So right now, I'm struggling to understand where you're coming from. And just bear with me just because maybe I'm just not hearing. Is this like you keep reiterating how healthy your relationship is?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
But your body language and obviously your state of mind right now is suggesting that it's not as healthy as you want to believe it is.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Which part are you having the hardest time moving past from? What's your confidence level that you know the whole truth of what happened?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
yeah and do you and I guess on some level you feel like you haven't gotten what you deserved in terms of yeah I don't want to say compensation because I don't feel like that's even what you're looking for but like true regret on his part maybe
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
If he were on this call today, what do you think he would say to me asking, how could you possibly keep this going throughout the pregnancy after you got caught? Why did you need to do that?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
What is your understanding through therapy in terms of why he did what he did?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Yeah, I don't know, but I don't buy that, though. Like, a lapse in judgment is like, hey, I did a work trip, things got a little out of hand, we got drunk, we went to a strip joint, and I'm really sorry, I'm disgusted with my behavior, but I got a handjob from a stripper. That's... that's a moment of weakness. Like that is like, Hey, everyone's human. And I'm not saying that's a normal behavior.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And I'm not saying if that happened for anyone listening, people need to forgive. But like, I am saying that like, sure. It's just like, all right, I guess, like, I guess things are out of hand. Alcohol was involved.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
People were doing drugs, but this is a behavior that even after he got caught, even after seeing the pain in your eyes and your body and saying, my wife is pregnant, like that, he got the wake up call and still did it. You know what I'm saying? And so in that moment, he didn't give a fuck about your emotional well-being or your relationship.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
Okay. Is there any context you want to provide regarding the affair? I mean, I know it was five years ago, but whatever you want to do, but give me the cliff notes of the affair, so to speak. And then what happened, I guess, what led to your decision to ultimately forgive him and try to work through this betrayal?
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
And then you are grappled with the pain of knowing that ultimately he didn't give a fuck. He didn't care. He didn't care about you, the baby, or I mean, just even the selfishness that comes from his actions while you're pregnant is second to none. And I think you need to understand that. Why he did what he did not. And I don't like less. Yes, everyone's human. You guys were together for 10 years.
The Viall Files
E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend
I understand. Like, you know, as humans, just because you've been together for 10 years, you don't like you may you may be married to this guy. You find other men attractive. I'm sure you looked. I'm sure you've thought. I'm sure you fantasize. I'm sure he does, too. Everyone's human, you know, like so. But that's not an excuse to cheat.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
um my dad just was like really upset and didn't really like I actually wasn't planning on telling my dad he just was in the room and just heard it but um and then my mom was like well, did you like, did you at least leave scratches on him? Like, it was just like the saddest conversation. And I was like, I don't know.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. She's like, well, if there was DNA and I'm like, no, no, because at this point it's been like eight months, like it's done. I made my decision not to report and like, yeah. Whatever. Anyway, but so it got to the point where my cousin's wife, it's basically every month she sends me this like long, really long winded text. And she's like, I was the only person that was there for you. Whoa.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
When? and then um i called you i called you twice like all this stuff you know your brain was really fuzzy around that time because of this traumatic experience i was like oh so this is what i don't love the term gaslighting but this this is crazy uh yeah um yeah i'm really sorry it's fine it's just like she it's not fine it's not well
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I mean, if I call it what it is, they didn't believe. I mean, let's truly like if you really believe someone that this happened, you you react how you said.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I mean, I mean, I do totally get that. And obviously, I've like, you know, run this by my therapist and a couple of my friends. And that is like the general consensus. And I think that is such an easy thing to say, right? It's common sense. Like, this is crazy. She has said to me how she has acted towards me is wild. And, um, I tried for a long time to like keep the peace.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Um, and I don't even care about keeping the peace anymore, but I am going to have to see these people. And I, I guess my two points are like, she's going to confront me when I, if I, whenever I see her in person.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Well, and I really thought about it. I'm like, when? So Thanksgiving didn't see them. Christmas didn't see them, but she was reaching out, trying to see me, trying to see me. But I, I work a job that I don't work normal days. And so I just use that as an excuse. And she's already texted me. Are we going to see you at Easter? Like she just will not stop. And I just don't really know.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I have. And she said, of course, I believe you. I was the only person there for you.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
No, it's crazy. The text that she sent me, she said, like, I'm not a terrible person.
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E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
She said my cousin invited him behind her back.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah, I think any rational human being would do the same. But I think I've come to terms with that. And that's why I don't want to have this friendship relationship with them. But she just won't stop. Have you asked her to stop? Yes, multiple times. The only thing I haven't done is just ignore her.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
They do. My dad, for sure. My cousin is my mom's brother's son. And they're very, very close. And I think while my mom has my back, I think she has also an idea of like, this is the only family we have and not wanting to kind of like fracture that. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. I just think it's not realistic. Like her, my mom takes care of her parents and then my uncle comes in and helps her and she's like very stressed out about that. And so I just feel like that's not really fair.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
So you think I just ignore them, like cut them off?
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah, that's definitely the worst part. Like, I definitely worked past and through this assault. I'm good. I don't think about it all the time. Like, obviously, there's going to be triggers. Like, it is what it is. But every time she texts, like, I have this, like, anxious feeling in my, like, gut.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
But, I mean, at the very least, I'll have to see them at my grandparents' funerals whenever, you know. I've thought this through, like, really long.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah, no, I definitely don't want to be a friend. I actually don't want anything to do with her.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I know, but I have like... I flat out ignore them. You have a very large family. I have a very small family. So this is kind of just like it.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I think my dad will. Cause I mean, it's not his family and he's like, you know, like, well, I mean, it's like not his side of the family and he doesn't like him anyway.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. I would agree with that. I just, I don't, I don't want to make her life more difficult.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. No, I do totally hear you. I think, OK, so if in a situation where I have to see them, I mean, I can't say they can't go to like a funeral or whatever, you know, or.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I think my mom's hoping that I just kind of like get over it. That's fucking crazy. It's not that I'm not over it. I am over it.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. Okay. So I guess in conclusion, I'll just, I think I'm going to try to just ignore her first. And then if she continues to just rantingly text me, then I'll block her.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And, and I guess what is your, I don't want to start a fight of like, Oh my gosh, she blocked me and blow. Like, I don't know. It just like, seems like unnecessary drama that I don't feel like dealing with.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
well, that's how I felt about whether or not to write it for this podcast. Cause everyone's like, do you really want to go on a podcast and talk about this? Like, what if she hears it? I'm like, well, one, I don't, I don't know if she will or not, but two, that's not my problem. Like this, this is my story.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And like, also no one else is going to know because it's not like she's going around telling people like, this is the shitty thing I did to my cousin, you know, like, So I don't really, I don't really care if she goes around and tells people, I think it, cause I don't know what version, even if she changes the truth, there's no version that she could tell that doesn't make her look shitty.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Hi, my name is Tiffany. I am 30 years old and I think my cousin is a villain. Should I cut her off?
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. Well, it's not their fault I got assaulted either.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
So there's a kind of a long backstory just cut me off a few think it's going too long but basically it's actually my cousin's wife. My cousin and I grew up very close like brother sister. When him and his now wife were engaged. I spent the weekend at their house. And the last night we were all drinking. He had some coworkers over and one of his coworkers ended up sexually assaulting me.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
It was, I just, I just needed a, like a different perspective of someone who actually doesn't know the people and who doesn't know me. Cause obviously all of my friends are just gonna be like, fuck her, she's horrible. And I get that. I just wanted to kind of make sure that I'm not overreacting or being emotional.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And it was very traumatic. Everyone knew what happened. I was crying to his now wife.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Good. My name is Camilla. I'm 29 years old and I'm letting my boyfriend down every day by not buying us a house.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. When I left there the next day, I kind of heard nothing from either one of them. No check-in, nothing. Two weeks went by and I was just kind of having a lot of anxiety. I know their wedding invites were going to go out pretty soon. And I just kind of wanted to know where they stood on if this person was still going to be invited to the wedding. So I reached out to her and
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
So... My boyfriend is 36 and he works in the service industry as a bartender. So, and I work in finance. I make around mid six figures. So talking to lenders, it makes kind of no sense for him to be on the mortgage. It makes sense for just me to be on the mortgage. And he has about 40 or 50,000 saved in like CDs. I think he had when he was younger that he'll put the deposit down for.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
But I guess the idea that he's decided is since I'm already on the mortgage, it just makes the most sense that I take over the full mortgage until he recoups that $40,000 or $50,000.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I do. But the kind of situation is, so about two years ago, I moved home. But before then, I was living in a city across the country. And in my 20s, probably didn't make the best financial decisions. So I ended up in around like
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
55,000 of credit card debt, which that's why I moved home was to live with my family and get out of debt and not pay rent, which is actually when I met my now boyfriend and I'm almost out of debt. So I'll be fully out of debt in June, but he's not really happy about the fact that I'm asking us to wait until September.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
He wants to buy, honestly, if he could, he would want to buy it like this week, but he can't afford it. Not without me. No. you're not married and I can't afford it without him. No. So we're planning on getting engaged soon. Like we've talked about that and everything, but we both kind of like our living situation is like living with roommates. Like he lives with a roommate.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I live with him and don't pay rent. I pay the groceries since I'm trying to get out of debt, but he's just like ready to get out. And he feels very against like renting again.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I feel like it's just, I mean, I kind of agree in the sense that like, I think we're just both ready to have our own space, but I think to him, buying a house kind of signifies like starting our lives and like kind of getting everything together.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
You know, when I bought my first, I don't know how much you would go for that.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And kind of like retold the story that we both lived. And she was really nice in the phone call and said like, of course he won't be invited. She didn't really give a reason of why she hadn't reached out. And then she kind of abruptly cut me off and said she had to go. But she would definitely reach out in the future and like check in on me, whatever.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah, which is kind of what I brought up too much. So I wanted to wait until, like, September or the fall. And where I then can at least have, based on my budget, I would have at least 20,000 saved up. Which would make me feel better going into a home and everything. And we, like, do talk about it nonstop. But it kind of always ends up being a fight. Like, our most recent one was...
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Um, so I'm going cross country back to where I used to live for the week in like two weeks to go see my friend. Cause she's having a baby shower. I'm hosting it. And it's kind of just been, I've known this since the fall I've budgeted for it. I've used points. I'm staying at her house. And anytime it kind of gets brought up, he's kind of like, you know,
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
You know, if you weren't going out there, you weren't, you know, traveling or doing this and like maybe we could be here. But like he's also at this time we're having this fight. He's in another country with his friends. And I kind of brought that up saying how it wasn't really fair that like I'm not able to go do anything without him making me feel guilty for like finances.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And it does like sometimes like I'm hoping it's kind of just because like once I'm out of debt, these conversations kind of minimize because it kind of feels like any time, like if I travel, if I go do anything, if it's only if it's just something I do for myself.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
But kind of confirmed that she had deleted him from the guest list.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
So so like I kind of brought up when we got in the fight, like, OK, but you were fine with me spending all this money when we just traveled a few weeks ago together. Um, where I spend way more money than I spend on my own traveling.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
But for him, he said, it's okay because I'm spending the money on us instead of like, I'm wasting kind of the money just like on me and setting us back for something that I'm just doing for me and not for us.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I guess his feeling is like he already did that part. So he's like, I already saved, which like he's had this money saved for a while. Like the 40 or 50,000 he's putting down. So his feeling is like, I did my part. Like now it's up to you and you're not like fulfilling your half by doing these things.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. No, not even close at all. Like this actually was the first time I had ever met this person. Um, and so I actually didn't know if he was even going to be invited to the wedding regardless. Um,
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
So he feels like he can do what he wants with this money because he's already saved the part that we need.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. I mean, I think, I mean, we're planning on getting engaged in the next like three months. Like by the time we'd buy a house, we'd at least be engaged, which. Sure.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah, that's fair. I've been engaged once before.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
It's just hard because I feel like that's... Like, it's the only thing, like, he, like, really wants to talk about. So it's, like, if I'm not... And I feel guilty because I do know, like, I feel bad. Like, it is, like, something that I always have, like, a lot of guilt on is, like, the debt thing. Like, and that's why I, like, made it clear to him, like, before... I got married.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
He wanted us to get engaged earlier, but I told him I don't want to get engaged. I don't want to get married. I don't want to do any of that until I have my debt figured out. I don't want to bring that into a relationship or have someone else have to handle that.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah, I feel like he definitely does. I think there's two reasons he kind of puts so much pressure on the housing. One, in our relationship, I was the one who broke up with him at one point.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Because he wasn't basically being the partner that I needed him to be. And I made it super clear that if he wasn't, then... I couldn't be in the relationship. And then when we got back together, I feel like there's still that feeling of sometimes he feels like insecure about it.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And then I think also because being like him being older and like being like in bartending and everything, I think he feels like, okay, well, you know, I need to show like my friends all bought houses now and they all have kids and they're all married. So it's like, he's wanting those things. And I try to remind him like when you were 29 and, You weren't in the financial spots by a house.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Like when you were 29, like you weren't doing those things.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. It crossed my mind. Something like that had never happened to me. It was fully a, and we were in a closed bedroom. So it would have been his word against mine. There was a lot of alcohol involved and I left the room like hysterically crying. There was no guessing what happened. And everyone kind of was just like, Oh, we're really drunk. You know, like whatever. And in fact, even that,
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah, especially with me being on the mortgage completely on my own.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
So it's just like... He doesn't do well, though, when I bring up these conversations. I try to be super pragmatic, but he kind of just tends to jump more into emotions. And then it kind of just all bows back on like, okay, well, you put us in a specific position by doing whatever you wanted when you were in your 20s, by going out. And like, I didn't do that.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Like you get to like do whatever you want. And now I have to pay for it, which is I think typical. And he sometimes uses it as a reason as to why I shouldn't go do things. And I think sometimes it's because he doesn't really like, he doesn't really like when I leave him.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
So he, like when we broke up, I brought up, he brought up wanting to do couples therapy. But then once we got back together, that kind of fizzled out. And I feel like it was just something he said to like.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Make me feel comfortable fucking back together.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
So right now... I feel like I normally just kind of go with what he says. It's easier if he gets really combative and... really defensive.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
wrong yeah and it's like hard because he's i'm trying to like understand like validate like okay you like you feel this way like i understand you feel this way but he doesn't even understand why he feels that way so then he's just like no i just want to own a house like i just want to start our lives together and like he's like i want to be with you i want to like have kids get married and he wants and that kind of like so he wants kids like pretty soon so i think that's why he also wants the house and everything and sometimes i'm like
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
try to remind him that like, I'm still only 29.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
guy refused to leave the house. It was very odd. So he was like, well, I'll just, I'm too drunk to drive. I'm just going to sleep on the couch. And so I was just like, the whole situation is extremely uncomfortable. Very traumatic.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. It's not like we're not going anywhere. I feel like we're just having the same conversations that lead to huge fights.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And I feel like that's what happened last time when we broke up was that I just kept giving in, kept being like, all right, just easier. Because again, he is so hyper emotional. I really typically don't care about a lot of like, no, I don't care a lot of things, but like he sometimes cares so much. It's just easier if I just like give in.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
But then it like slowly, I just kind of like started disconnecting from the relationship to the point that then I was like, I didn't feel anything. I just needed to leave.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Well, and then when I left, he was hardcore, like, agreeing with us, saying I was right, that he shouldn't have done any of that, that, like, he was going to go to therapy, that he'd, like, have it all figured out, that he was going to, like, work on all these things, and I was right the whole time, that, like, he would never put me through that again. And there were some changes, and I think...
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And I don't want to get back to that point. And I've like brought that up being like, you know, like, and I like try to not bring up, like, if we like get to these points where I'm like, we're going round and round or he'll be like, oh, like, are you just going to break up with me again? Or are you just going to leave me again? And I'm like, no, I don't like that. It's not my plan.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Oh, it gets worse. She doesn't reach out besides the one phone call that I initiated. We never talk about it again. Four months goes by. She's a bit of a bridezilla. And the whole time I'm biting my tongue. So the weekend of the wedding comes and their wedding transportation was running late. I had a speaking part in the wedding. So I was worried about getting there on time.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I don't want to break up with you. I want to like, like, this is what I'm talking. Like, I try to explain that when we get to that point, like, this is, this is why I left and began.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I feel like it's like he's sometimes just so unhappy. That's where like as his partner, I want to make him happy.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. It's like if he has a house, then he'll be happy.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
He's like, oh, I'm like unhappy because, you know, we're here because like, you know, we live close to your family or because like, you know, we don't have a house or because like I have to have roommates, like everything would be good. Like once you can get it together and get me out of this situation.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
about getting more connected everything you're describing about how this is being handled is a recipe for disaster yeah i feel like we're just like slowly going right back to where we were when i left and i don't like i love him so much that i don't i want to marry him like that it's like 1000% my goal yeah i believe it i love ain't enough you know it just isn't
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
So a couple offered to drive my then boyfriend and I to the wedding. And so we get in the car, the couple's in the car and they're like, oh, we offered to drive one other person. He's just going to hop in the trunk. And I'm like, okay. And in hops this guy. And I thought I was going to have a panic attack, but I just kind of like sat there and I was like, you know, I can do hard things.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. I feel like it's like, I'm scared that it'll bring, like, I want to bring up couples therapy and I have like for a while. And I remember I told myself before, like when this, like when we got back together, I was like, all right, if we're going to get to the point of engagement that I want to do couples therapy, like if we can engage or like, I want that to be a goal, but yeah.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I feel like sometimes he sees it as a direct attack that I'm telling him that I'm not happy and I'm going to break up with him.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. And it hasn't before. So it's just, it's difficult. Cause like you said, the tantrums are hard because I just don't do emotions that well. Like I just, they just stress me out and they give me anxiety. And then I just would rather just like shut it down, like shut it up, like make it happy. Just don't.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. Right now it just gets blown out. And I mean, I know he like will never leave me, which is why I'm like, I try like almost to a fault.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I'm in therapy. I've worked through a lot of this, but at this point it's only been about four months since the assault. And then my boyfriend and him start like chumming it up because my boyfriend knew what happened, but didn't obviously know that this was
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah, especially because we want to move to very far away from family and friends.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I'm an accountant, so I should be more better understanding financial aspects.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And I feel like it's that feeling of, like, since I make the money. Like, he really doesn't have any, like, masculine issues on, like, oh, like, she makes more money. It's more the, you make more money. So, like.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I try. Yeah. So we've talked about that where it's like, that would be once we have kids, like that would be his role.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
She's fine with it. He would rather do that. And I, the idea of staying at home with children, actually like I love kids, but that would make me nauseous. Like I love my career. So that works, but yeah.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Like he always says, like, it's like you told me, like, You'd retire me. You told me you would handle all this. And now you're not.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And I'm trying to. I mean, I'm almost out of debt.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. And I feel like I've just been trying to meet him where he's at.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. It's a very volatile. Like, I don't know what I'm going to get when I walk through the door. He's going to be like sweet, happy and great mood and totally fine about our decisions and what's going on or if something went wrong. And so now. He's upset and suddenly everything that I thought he said he was okay about two days ago is suddenly just brought back up.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
that guy and they're like shooting the shit about football and i'm just like sitting there trying to not have a panic attack but your boyfriend didn't know this was him to be clear no to be very clear he did not know um did you get around to telling him I did. And a lot of people have asked me now, did he not notice your energy shift?
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Do I like bring back up everything? Like, I don't know if I should be like, if it's like bad or triggering from like, well, you know, like, cause last time we broke up, he got max. He's like, he felt blindsided. He felt like I didn't tell him what was going to happen. So I'm like, do I let him know?
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Like, Hey, I really feel like we need to get this or like we might be back where I have to leave again.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Well, and I have brought it, like, when we broke up, I, like, brought that up, like, that being the main thing. So, like, I thought he had heard me on it, but I feel like a lot of things were said that weren't really how he felt.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And I was like, well, I was nervous about having to speak in front of 300 people. So I already didn't have great energy. So anyway, so it was like a 10 minute car ride. I jump out of the car and, you know, my boyfriend follows after me and I'm like, that's him. That's the guy. And my boyfriend wanted to just leave. He was like, let's leave the wedding. Like, you don't need to be here.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. So I feel like it's, that's, I feel like I'm also kind of like not wanting to put myself, especially just getting out of a bad financial situation. Like if I'm not, like, I guess I'm like, I'm not feeling super secure. Like I love him and I like see a future with him, but I'm based on what's going on and like the path we're going.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
It's like, do I want to put by, cause he like, of course he wants like a $600,000 house. So I'm like, do I want to like get Place $600,000 on this relationship right now.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
With me on the mortgage, but him also on the title.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I want him to make, I think he has, he cares enough. Like, He loves me enough. So try. I mean, all you can do is try.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I know. I feel like that's what the scary part is. Getting the answer sometimes.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. Just like one track mind it on. I feel like the house, the kids, the marriage and like, I feel like it's like, okay, then we're all good if we have that.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I'm not ready for that. I already can't handle that in a full-time job right now. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
This is crazy. But I didn't. And I was like, no, I don't want to make a scene. You know, whatever. So we go to the wedding. I walk up in a church in front of 300 people and talk about love is patient, love is kind. And then decide that I'm not going to let this person ruin my night. So I have a great night. I don't pay any attention. He's like in my periphery.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
We never communicate, never say anything. And that night ends. And pretty much from there, I just decided that my cousin and his wife don't deserve to be my friend. So I I decided to make a boundary. And at that point, I had decided if they reached out, if they texted me about whatever, I would respond because we're family. We have a very small family, whatever. That was the easiest thing for me.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
But I wasn't going to initiate any conversations, any hangouts, whatever. And that worked for a couple months. And then in the spring, she reached out to me and said, you know, did I do something to you? I feel like we're not as close. which was very shocking that she's pretty self-absorbed and we don't live in the same city and didn't think she would notice.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
But I had told myself if she ever asked, I would be honest. And so I just said, you know, this last year was a lot following their wedding. I ended up going through a breakup like three days later. So that was a rough time anyway.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Looking back, I really think that he was trying to just hold on for the wedding because there was just like a lot of drama surrounding it and whether or not he was going to be invited. And I think he was just trying to hold on. He broke up with me three days later and was like, yeah, we don't. I don't see a future with you. Bye.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yes, I was hysterically crying. And then two weeks later, when I had that phone call with her, I retold the whole story. And in fact, she was like, yeah, the guy reached out to us the day after, worried that the cops were going to show up. And I was like, well, if he reached out to you the day after, why didn't you then reach out to me?
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
So she was really nice. Like she she says all the right things. Right.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Of course, you won't be invited to the wedding. You're our family. That's disgusting. You know, whatever.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah, I think I got that from my actual friends, right? So it's like, I didn't need that from her. Maybe I expected it from her.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Yeah. I should note that while I was obviously closer to my cousin, I grew up with him. I have not spoken to him since the night of his wedding and he has not reached out to me ever. And the only time I ever said anything to him about this event, I mentioned it in passing and he just said, well, that's on you. So I kind of knew where he stood.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
So I had already kind of decided like... What's on you?
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
um he said that well i watched you take him into the room so that's on you and i was like wow missed the part where that gave him free reign of my body but all right so that's fine right okay so that's but at least he that tells me who you are like and then we haven't spoken and it is what it is it's his wife that i kind of been like really struggling with what what part are you struggling with
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Okay, so she reaches out and says like, why aren't we close? And I said, you know, the last year was a lot. Just like really trying to work through things on my own. Just need some space. And that was the wrong thing to say, I guess, because she lost it. And she was like, I'm...
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
crying right now we need to have a conversation and I'm so sorry and blah blah and I was like nope we don't need to have a conversation I'm good this is the boundary this is what I'm comfortable with and then from there it just kind of like really has progressed um where she just sends me these like long ranting text messages like really out of pocket things like well he's your only cousin and like all this stuff and you know
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
Okay, well, here's the problem with that. Because that crossed my mind. But I, I hadn't told my parents, right? Like, this is not a comfortable thing to talk about. And so at that point, originally, when she's like, we need to have a conversation. And at that point, she starts out very like, I'm so sorry, tell me what I did. Tell me what I can do to make it better. whatever.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And I'm like, nah, not interested in rehashing. And then that's not good enough. So she just like keeps going, keeps going. It escalates to, well, maybe we won't come to Thanksgiving. And it's like, all right. But then that kind of like almost felt like a threat to me. So I felt like then I had to tell my parents that, Um, or at least some version of it. So I did.
The Viall Files
E877 Ask Nick - Married To The Mortgage
And that's really, that was kind of the last straw for me because that is no conversation that anybody should have to have with like their parents, especially like, well, I mean, I think the, what do you mean by that? I mean, she, nobody wants to hurt their parents. And I know that this wasn't like my action. It wasn't my doing, but.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
No, I, I totally agree with you. I'm, I'm, so grateful like I I'm so grateful for him literally ninety nine percent of the time and then I feel myself just like these moments and I honestly think it's just like when I'm not being nice like it's like obvious it's like I feel it he feels it and I don't mean nice like oh I'm grumpy I'm like hormonal I mean like when I'm just like uh like
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
ew, you're like kind of drunk. I don't want to be around you. But he's not even like, he's so nice all the time. He's not being like, I've had exes that were very like reactive on alcohol or like
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I think that's honestly the biggest thing. And then, I mean, it kind of causes me to spiral a little bit. And then I'll go into a little hole of other comparisons that I really, in the right state of mind, I don't think are fair. But when I'm in that spiral moment, I will go to those dark places and compare really little things.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
okay yeah I think that's what I get nervous about because I don't want to drive him away because I'm like what you said like naggy or acting like I'm on this like yeah I just don't want to put myself on like a higher like I'm like know everything and he's younger than me and I don't want to how much younger he's four years younger than me so he's 27 okay well that's something you want to be mindful of yeah I'm very mindful of it yeah
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Totally. Yeah, because he's the age that... that I was when I broke up with my ex. Yeah.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Well, isn't that interesting though? Cause I bet you have changed a lot and maybe, right.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, like 100%. And it's so stupid. But I like when we first started dating, I and and for a while, I've kind of had this idea of like, all things come to an end, right? Like, oh, like, we're gonna have fun, or enjoy each other even fall in love. And there's just no guarantee. And I was very like, accepting of that. I was even in a relationship between these two relationships. And we broke up and
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
How's it going? Hi, I'm Josephine and I'm 31 years old and I'm struggling to stop comparing my very old toxic relationship to my very happy new one.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I was, I handled it really well. It was like a very healthy breakup, but for some reason, I think I just love this guy so much. And so I'm just really scared. It's like, I'm on, it's like, I'm on this, like, I don't know. I'm just anxious. Like, I don't, I know that if we broke up, it would be like a complete disaster for me. Like I would not be okay.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Petty things like, oh, he doesn't know how to speak about his emotions or he's not doing this or he's like, you know, really honestly, like things that in the right state of mind, I know aren't fair to him.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Oh yeah. You know, no, I, I agree. I really appreciate everything you're saying. It's like, I feel like the advice that you're giving me right now is like what I say to my little sister, like every time we have a deep conversation and it's so much easier said than
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Totally. I was listening to one of your episodes. And to be honest, I kind of forget which caller it was. But you said something along the lines of like, oh, like, you know, I have all these callers. They're listening to me in the moment. But then they take that advice however they want to look because we remember things the way that we remember them.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
In our point of view. And then so I was like thinking about that a lot while I was in the little waiting room, like thinking like, OK, how am I going to take Nick's advice very seriously and logically and not twist it in my head because I love doing that. But I think no matter what, I'm just going to struggle with
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
like accepting my boyfriend in the moment of this like I guess I just don't know how to get out of my head in those moments when he's reminding me of my ex like it just I don't know how to talk to him about it and when I have kind of talked to him about it he I think he thinks I'm saying he has a drinking problem which is why are you talking to him about it what's he supposed to do Yeah. Yeah.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I guess that's, that's another question of mine. Like, is, is there anything that he's supposed to do or is he like, should he be aware that I'm having these feelings? Cause it's,
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
100%, yeah. I'm just, I'm like very scared of heartbreak. I did not handle that breakup well. Like to say the least, it was the darkest time of my life.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. Yeah. I communicate a lot. And I feel like I always have this desire to explain like, oh, this is why I was rude or this is why my document was late, which is probably just the most obnoxious thing in the world. But especially when it seems like my boyfriend's feelings are hurt. And I feel like a dumb ass. I'm like, okay, I need to explain to him why I was like spiraling out a little bit.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I don't know if I've ever done that.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
totally yeah just be wrong and and move forward you know totally i think too it's like i have to i just have to figure out how to like emotionally remove myself from a moment if that even makes sense like i i just need to not engage the other night He he does open mics. He's like he plays guitar at open mics and it's the cutest thing in the world.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
But he came home kind of late, which really isn't a big deal. By the way, we don't live together, but we stay together quite often. And he came to my place on. And I am happy that he's out and about. I'm not like checking in on him. I'm not like texting him, but it was the fact that he was drunk when he came over that irked me. And he was being so sweet. He didn't do anything wrong.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
He was just telling me about his day and telling me about his night. But for some reason I was like, Oh my God. Like, I think I said something like, dude, I just am not in the mood to talk right now. I just want to go to bed. Like, We can talk about your day tomorrow. And I was like really short and rude. And I know that it hurt his feelings because he was excited about his open mic.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
He was excited about it. And I was just kind of like shut him down. And I was tired, but I was also just like annoyed. And I felt like maybe he shouldn't have been driving either.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I think I said something like I was in a bad mood, like I apologize or I said something like that. But I think like last night he said something like, I feel like I'm being a bad boyfriend. And I was like, no, you're not at all. Like he was just feeling kind of like stupid. Like I could tell he just felt kind of dumb and I don't ever want him to feel that way. And I just...
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Quite a bit. I'm kind of a serial monogamous. So when I say kind of, I mean, I really am. Um, I, but what about it?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I'm a big complimenter. Like I, it's my favorite thing to do is like lift other people, including him. So I, I definitely give a lot of compliments.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. I mean, obviously we all have like our annoying little habits. I mean, I'm severely ADHD. I am all over the place all the time, like quite literally. So I know I'm annoying. to deal with, friend-wise and relationship-wise. So yeah, people have to be patient with me.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Um, we were together for four years in like a pivotal time, like 22 to 26, 27. And we moved out of state. So we moved together and, um, We had honestly like a very lovely relationship up until our move. And then he met a ton of really awesome people. I mean, we both made very similar friends. We're both in the service industry. So bartending, serving, that kind of thing.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I would never ask him to do that, but like, that's how he is.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, no, I, I honestly agree with that. And that's why I think that's something that I'm trying to balance is like, I am nervous that he would do too much for me. And I like, I care about him so much too, that when I'm anxious about our, our breaking up, I actually am anxious about him getting hurt too. It's like, it's not just me.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, I definitely, I mean, he also was like so sweet and was like willing to be on this phone call, but, and this is like another control thing. I was like, I just don't know what you're going to say, how you're going to be. And I was just like, I mean, he ended up having to work anyhow.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
No, to be honest, I would have let him be on it. I hate using the word let. I was excited at first when he was like, I will do it. But then when I was like, okay, what do you think about the situation?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
We're just going to have a conversation. And I'm like, well, yeah, that's good.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Right, right, right, right.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, he would have just been like a sweet little baby Ainge just like sitting here.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
It sounds like he is, he's very well-intentioned. He's, he's incredibly sweet.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
But he just kind of went down a path of drinking and doing drugs and never coming home and just like really getting racked up in the town that we lived in, which was awesome to some extent and really negative to another. But when we moved together, it was like really with the idea that we were going to get married.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. I'm so happy you're saying that it's, I do not want him to ever feel like that ever. Yeah. Yeah. That would be terrible.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
No, that's true. I think also because I've dated so many like people who are just so opposite of him and opposite in like he's the opposite in a good way. But yeah, I definitely I think I think of him as being like really innocent, which maybe accidentally turns into like naive in my mind, which is probably like you're saying, like very belittling.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
yeah well to say it like that is this yeah it's like he doesn't know better to be a dick yeah or maybe he's just not you know maybe he's just not you know like i asked him the other day if he's ever had a fight with his parents or his dad and he was like no i've never ever like he's like i would never do that like what's the point
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And I'm like, that's amazing because I still fight with my parents to this day. So good for you. Like he's just very even keeled. Like that's just his personality with everyone in his life. Yeah, it is.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, totally. Okay. I'm really glad that it got to this point because I feel like I was trying to figure out like the root of the issue. So I definitely don't want that to happen. I don't want to be like this eel gross, like little naggy lady. Okay. Okay.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And he's been through a lot, so I don't want to diminish him down to his age. Obviously, to an extent, age matters, but he's been through so much. So I don't want to diminish that either.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. Yeah. It was really good for, I would say, two and a half years.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
No, I appreciate that a lot. That's such a good point. Oh my God. Okay. Well, so basically what I'm getting from this phone call, and let me know how you feel, if this feedback makes sense to you, that I need to put more of my energy into like being thankful and grateful for what I'm learning on a day-to-day basis, what I see in him, why I'm actually with him.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
versus these things like his drinking habits. Maybe I just need to really practice similar to practicing looking in the mirror and complimenting myself. I can look at him and think of reasons why I love him.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. Or not just like something that I think is going to lift them up in the moment, but something I've actually put thought into.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Are you asking me or are you just wanting me to think about it?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
You know, that's such a good question because maybe it was something I didn't recognize as much. I mean, I was younger, too, and I was also working in restaurants and bars. We met at the restaurant that we worked at together. So we were going out quite a bit like after our shifts. And I think in our move.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Like, I just want to, I, I think there's like a balance and I, I am on the complete,
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
other end of the balance where it's like oh we live and we learn and then i hyper fixate on what i've learned and i'm it's like i'm applying it way too intensely to this present moment instead of living in the moment um yeah because part of it is again it's control like you yeah you're hoping that you can learn from past mistakes to avoid ever feeling the mistake again and that's not possible
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Oh my God, I know, I do that.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, I want him to feel genuinely good about himself. Okay, I appreciate it. I'm gonna be thinking about this all day and I'm gonna write a little list of all the things that I love about him.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Okay. Okay. I like that. Five minute exercise. Okay.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Okay. Well, thank you so much. It's so nice to meet you and thank you for your advice. I'm, I'm, as you are aware, I'm going to really take it to heart and Yeah, I appreciate it.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I was one working a lot less and more excited to be home because it was like the first house that was like the dream house. And I was more excited to be at home and to be a homebody than he was. So I think I honestly just like recognized it more than I did back home in the Midwest.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
It's going well. My name's Megan. I'm 26, and my boyfriend thinks that women's suffrage was a mistake, and I don't know if I should end it.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
His exact words were that the 19th Amendment was a mistake.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
The women's right to vote.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
We've had many conversations at length.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. So we were out with a group of friends getting drinks. It was me and a bunch of our guy friends. And briefly the conversation about like, oh, would you be okay with like your girlfriend or whoever making more money than you kind of came up? And so that was already the tone of the conversation around drinks. And then I ended up talking to this guy who's more peripherally in the friend group.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I didn't know him very well. Turns out he has some very conservative views. And he said that he's a proponent of the household vote that's kind of been floating around in some media a little bit.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
The household vote basically going back to there's one vote per household. So women no longer have the right to vote anymore. And the man votes like for the representation.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I mean, I've seen it just floating around on on social media and like in some news articles of some. very far right conservatives supporting this.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Well, so, yeah, so this guy said that. So I turned to my boyfriend asking him if he believes in the household vote, thinking it was going to be like a hell no response. And then he said, well, I think the 19th Amendment might have been a mistake.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I didn't really say much. I kind of was just like, you really think that? And he was like, yeah. And then I actually ended up leaving. So I left him there with everybody because I didn't want it to turn into an argument. you know, in front of the friend group out in public and thought it might be better to talk about it at home.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. Oh yeah. We were up for hours that night talking about it.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I mean, I was like, I think we just need to talk about what you said at the bar. Like, do you really think that women should have never been given the right to vote?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And he was like, well, it's a little more nuanced than that.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And I was like, okay, so walk me through your thought process.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yes. So that came later after I had spoken to my therapist about this.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And that didn't go over very well either, to be honest. He went over his beliefs in the conversations that we had. And then when we had a third conversation, that's where I started asking. I actually framed it as knowing that you feel this way. What are your thoughts on the fact that women can get college degrees and have high power jobs? They can be doctors and CEOs and attorneys.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And do you just envision having a wife that's barefoot and pregnant? She's just a homemaker and having kids and that's what she does for you. And he didn't really like that. He got kind of defensive about me asking, well, if this is your belief, how does that extend into other areas?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
That's my concern. So I did ask him, like, if we were to be married, would you just want me at home having a bunch of babies? What did he say? That he doesn't, you know, I asked him, like, do you see yourself getting married? Do you see yourself having kids? What does that look like? And he didn't really have a great answer. It was kind of just like, whatever happens will happen.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I don't really know. He's 33.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Tough family life, which I think is contributing to him not wanting to commit to like, I know I want a wife and kids.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I mean... Now things are just kind of weird. I mean, he used to, he lives really close to me. So he used to like stay over every night. I've definitely taken a couple of nights where I was like, I just want to be by myself. And the vibe's just kind of off.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
We've had a conversation about the fact that things are off, but I feel like we haven't fully dove into like, what are all of my doubts in the situation? Because now it's gone from just this statement or this belief about the 19th amendment to like, Are there all these other incompatibilities?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, I can give some context. So me and my current partner have been together for about eight months. He's amazing. He's definitely the healthiest person I've ever been with. He is so kind. It's insane. I'm so in love with him. But what ends up happening, so my prior relationship that I find myself comparing... he had a lot of like drinking problems to say the least.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
So I asked and I said that hearing that, you know, makes me feel like you might think that women should go back to being second class citizens. I'm not sure I phrased it exactly that way. And we had a whole car because he's he's not disrespectful to me. I've never seen him be disrespectful to other women.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I think he would give the shirt off his back to anybody who needed it, even if it was like a stranger. And so his behavior doesn't seem to align with this belief. And so he's like, why can't you just see me for my behavior and get over this belief that I have?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, that's my concern, even though.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
For sure. I think that's actually a really good point when you bring up friends too, because you asked me if anything else is like triggering or like that I'm comparing and This is something that I'm really trying not to be, like, I don't want to be, like, mothering him. But I find myself being super protective with some of his friends that do have, like, legitimate issues.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. So I'm grappling with that.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
yeah and he says if he read or found evidence to the contrary he's open to his opinion changing but all evidence points to it might have been a mistake in his eyes okay so why i mean he's not here to ask why what is his evidence that it might have been a mistake he says things like men used to like, listen to women's opinions more before they had the right to vote.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
So they actually had more of a voice before. And then we get into the argument of like, maybe that's not the case. And just because they, can state their opinion doesn't mean there's any power in that without a vote. And now like households are more divided between like husband and wife. And this is in like a very much like traditional husband, wife household kind of lens, but they're less united.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
They're not focusing on talking things through and coming to a mutual decision. It's more focused on partisan politics and maybe they vote against each other just to cancel each other out versus like having those conversations and being a united front.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And it's, like, blaringly obvious, like, at... What do you call it? The casino. I almost said the casino's name. They're, like, at the casino a lot and just being unhealthy. They don't have...
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And I can't tell the difference because maybe that doesn't matter. Yeah, because like I was having a week where I was busy and stressed out. So like he's helping me put away my dishes that he didn't even use. And he's taking my dog on a walk and he's doing things around the house to help me out, which I feel like kind of contradicts
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I don't know, what you might expect from someone who thinks the 19th Amendment was a mistake. So it's just confusing.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
literal jobs um and i find myself being like very judgmental and i don't want to be like that and when he's with this certain friend it's really one in particular i find myself like getting anxious and nervous about it um well how does your current boyfriend talk about this friend He's worried about him.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, I think in his case, I think it's more of the former, but I also feel like he's kind of overcompensating now because we've been having these discussions and we know things are off that I feel like he's almost trying too hard.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
He's always been very firm in his beliefs. I'd rather him tell me than hide it because he knows I don't like it.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, that might be a good way to phrase it.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Cause he says that he doesn't think we should take it away now, but I'm like, it worries me that you might think that if it were to ever come to that.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
He doesn't think that's the same. Yeah.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
He doesn't think that's the same.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
He doesn't have a great response.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
He made a comment at one point about like women being more emotional than men and that really upset me. Like because we might be more emotional, we're going to make poor choices with our vote.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And that makes a difference.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. But it but it also it seems like the only time that they talk about his friends issues is when they're like under the influence. So I feel like there's not a lot of sober conversations that are being had.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Probably not. And he'd come up with some reason why it's different.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And if- I mean, we've probably talked about it for like hours at this point and he's not giving up his stance. He just, if anything, seems to think I'm misunderstanding because it's not as bad as I think.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. Well, and I think part of the issue now is just how he's responded to it. Like when I start asking, okay, what, how do you envision your life? Like, do you envision yourself getting married, having kids? What does that look like? He, he basically said that he finds that type of conversation to be completely unhelpful, but he's willing to have it if it's helpful for me.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I think in general, like he, he said that he prefers to just kind of figure out those thoughts and beliefs as you go versus like sitting down and actually communicating like, this is what I see my life looking like. He finds that to be unhelpful.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I don't know about having goals, but isn't that what it is? I guess so. Yeah. And so that's,
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
His only goal is that he wants to be like extremely independent and like live on a farm and grow his own food. And like, I don't want to live on a farm.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I guess that's kind of where I'm at now. There's this issue, but it's now spiraled into... I feel like there's so many incompatibilities popping up. But what I'm having a hard time with is He treats me well. I enjoy spending time with him and I'm just grappling with, you know, what's, is it worth it or not?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I know that I'd like to be married. I'm very leaning towards the no kids side, open to the fact that I might change my mind.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I just, I don't have this burning desire to be a mother. I have a dog. I love being a dog mom.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. I don't think I come at it from that view. It's just like, I'm very career oriented and entrepreneurial and I want to travel. And I just don't, I don't see like, Oh, I have to be a mother for my life to be fulfilling.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I don't... I mean, I never would have asked him. I did not expect this at all. I never would have posed the question. I thought he would fully say that was crazy.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Just like, it's hard to let go of all the good things. I don't know.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I never thought I'd be here. I'll tell you that, but I've thought that before. So.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I've been kind of dealing with like, do I have this conversation right now or do I take a step back? Cause I feel like I haven't had a ton of time to myself to like even process everything and think about like what I want. Do you think it's more beneficial to sit down and have that conversation first or to take a couple of days and then have it?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, I guess there isn't a rush.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
It's been a few weeks. So I don't think I'm going to get that. I think it's more of like, I might either like eating, working, sleeping, or I'm with him. And so like my head's all like not clear on like, are we even compatible in other ways?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. And I mean, he was talking to someone a while before he and I started seeing each other. And the reason they stopped seeing each other was because she disagreed with his political views so much. And so when this was kind of coming up, he was like, it's happening to me again. And I don't, I don't know if I want to just be like the number two on that list of girls, but maybe I need to be.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. Well, he's not going to find one where we live, I don't think, but he can try, I guess, if I decide to end it.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Oh, I definitely will. I listen to you every week.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Well, my question is, is it time to cut off my deadbeat baby daddy for good?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Um, no, not romantically. We, I ended things like officially in 2019 due to games. I have found out, um, that he's done, uh, his character is just, isn't the greatest. And there's a lot that came out.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I've never even heard a caller, like say anything along the lines that I found out stuff that he's done. And, um, do you want me to give you some examples?
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Well, for one, he tried to have sex with my sister in my car. On Mother's Day, we like went to the beach the whole day and then it was a good day. And then afterwards, he went to the gym and then he was supposed to get ice cream at the store after the gym for Mother's Day. And then he called me at like 10 p.m. and then didn't come home till like 2 a.m.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And come to find out my sister has been going through some stuff and he ended up, he hasn't really been talking with the family. And then come to find out he ran into her that night. And then they went in my car and I don't know, that's a whole thing. That's a whole nother story.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
So my sister was like into some drugs at this time. She's a lot better now. We're rebuilding our relationship. But at the time she was like MIA from the family. So about a month after that happened, she messaged me.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. Yeah. He definitely did. I don't know what happened. I don't know that my sister told me all this stuff and I didn't believe her. Cause I'm like, you're a drug, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it was true. It's come out that it was true. Another thing that he did, um, he missed Thanksgiving one year and, um, but also we were never married. Thank God. But anyways,
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
He missed Thanksgiving one year. And then I went through his computer and saw that he was posting Craigslist ads, speaking sex on Thanksgiving. Not that it matters like what day, but like that was just like a damn, you know, he loves a holiday. He does. I know to just add a little like, you know, I've never heard any color talk about these things where I'm like, This is weird.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I know. No, you're so right. I know. Can I give you an example of one evening? It was like the only large fight we've ever had. I was in Chicago for the night and my boyfriend was looking after my dog. We spend a lot of nights together. He knows my dog very well. I was not even in the slightest concerned or worried, but... I should clarify, like I went out pretty hard and I had a lot of fun.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
You know, another thing when I was pregnant with my son, you know, I was wanting him to kind of like, you know, when we hooked up, like I want to get down on me, whatever he would refuse. And he was like, no, that's, you know, you're pregnant. That's disgusting. Anyways, now, you know, fast forward, I'm not pregnant anymore, but he goes out with his friends.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Come to find out, he hooks up with a pregnant woman in his truck that I fucking co-signed for. Not that it matters, but I, you know, and I got him a truck for Father's Day. And on top of it, he did drugs with her. And he felt some remorse and he wrote himself a letter. And I found the letter. And in the letter, it was like, I don't know why I did this.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I don't even know what kind of drugs we were doing. She was pregnant. I went down on her, which, by the way, he refused to do with me forever. I thank God we didn't have sex and stuff like that. I'll have the letter if you want. And then another thing is he went to California and he has a cousin that's gay, which they're close, which is cool. He was staying with his cousin.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
When he came home, I clearly had trust issues for multiple reasons. So I went through his cousin's text messages just to see like, oh, you know, guy talk, like, did he hook up with someone, whatever. And I just was flabbergasted by what I read. I was like, not expecting this. But apparently his cousin texted him at like three in the morning saying they were at a party.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And they're like, hey, bro, want to have a threesome? And I want to massage you. Can you come in the room? And I just was like, out of all of these things, the one that I left him was my sister. You know, I ended up staying for the other one because I'm an idiot. But when I found out about my sister, that was 2019. And we had a relationship. So those are just a few things.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
This is like that list of 20. I know. And I've never heard a caller talk about it. Your podcast has helped me tremendously, by the way, when it came to all this stuff. I want to thank you for that because you've got me out of a horrible relationship. And all of the stuff that you say for finding a new one has helped me find the most amazing person I could ever ask for.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
So it's to do to a lot of your podcast.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I just feel like I'm glad you let me talk about the things he's done. Just give you a little idea about his character. Cause I know you say not to like, stretch people's character and stuff. But like that to me is just like, he's just has issues. Like he's just, you know, clearly. And I'm just at a point where he's also never helped.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
So even when we were together, you know, even after the fact, we'll just say after the fact, he's never helped emotionally, financially, physically, just, he doesn't help. He's never helped. He's never, I've never filed for child support.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I think in my head, I'm just like, I would rather have the peace of life, not dealing with it to make, just as a judge, you know, he might fight me since he cares more about money than him than anything else. He always says he would fight me since I make more money than him for custody and all this stuff. So I've never filed, but I've asked him like, Hey, I just paid for his football. It's four 50.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I just paid for his basketball. It's 300. I have to go get this. It's, you know, X amount of money. He's never giving me anything. So I just, and then he only saw him every two hours, every Thursday, but it's like, my son doesn't want to go see him, you know? And he's old, he's getting old. So he's like nine years old and he's getting to the point where he can just, he's not stupid.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
You know, he can feel the vibes of him and he's just not a good person. Whenever I forced my son to call him the last conversation, my, he was basically telling my son that His brother is moving and that was the best thing he could ever do. And then he said the best thing that he ever did was move to Utah, which was years ago. And he only moved for like two months and came back.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
But anyways, he said that was the best thing he's ever done. And then my son goes over having me. And then he goes, yeah, sorry, but that's, but it's true. And that hurt my son. And he started bawling and he said, I hate you. Hunt up the phone. Then my boyfriend came home from the gym who has stepped up as a father, by the way, in every way, like he's basically the father.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And asked him to adopt him.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And that was crazy. And I mean, it was sweet, but also sad. He refuses to call my phone to co-parent or anything to talk. He got my son his gizmo watch. And he only wants to talk through this gizmo watch. And he basically wants Jack to talk to him through this watch. But can I show you the last scene my son sent to him? Sure. He did a voice memo and I went through it.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I didn't know my son did this because he hurt him when he said that conversation. My child's father hurt him when he said when moving was better than having you. Sorry, but it's true. And that hurt my son a lot. And so now he will text my son like, oh, hi, thinking of you. Hi, miss you only on this watch. But and then my son responded and said this to him. Hopefully you're able to hear it.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I hadn't seen this friend in a long time and we like we had a lot of fun. So I don't want to sound like a hypocrite because I was out till like three in the morning. But the next day I called my boyfriend just to make sure like everything was good with the dog. And he was on his way to my place like in the morning, like at 8 a.m. And I'm like, what do you mean you're on your way?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
But this is what he wrote or said in a voice note. Did you hear that?
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And then after that, he doesn't respond for a week. And then he goes, love you, thinking of you. That's it. Doesn't call. And then he'll say, thinking of you, here for you when you decide to call. Hope you're doing okay. Just random texts. But it's like, dude, he just said, admit that you hurt him.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
You know, and so I'm just at a point like on top of that, Nick, he's never gone to a school conference. Not one. He doesn't. And my son has ADHD. And the principal emailed me and him the seed of a behavioral specialist.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
uh the teacher the counselor because my son's been talking to the school counselor and they wanted to have like a specific appointment just to help my son with you know his adhd he's doing fine but just he's he needed that we need to figure out some stuff which we did and he didn't respond to one email he didn't come to the conference nothing just doesn't ask nothing
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
He's in one. So he, and you know, what's interesting is he asked to talk to one and I will thank you because you've helped me set boundaries. And then he watches me. And I think that's why he's doing that. And I'm really proud of him. I will say he, He asked to talk to a counselor. He asked to talk to a psychiatrist.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Like, so he's talking to people, you know, and he's very aware of her trying to spend that. I was like, I was at a point where I just like,
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
everyone's in my ear like file for child support file for child support and at this point after what he said i kind of want to just because i like he owes probably so much money but then the other part of me is like should i just keep it as it is and just like because like he cares more about money like i don't want to fight i don't want to go to court what if the judge my response to that is like this is definitely a big case of making sure you're happy and not right right yeah but
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I haven't been one-on-one with a lawyer, but I own a business and one of my clients, he owns a firm. And so we've had multiple conversations. I asked him about it and he would give me some advice on some situations. He basically said about the adoption and stuff. And if I did file, it would probably be good because he probably won't pay. And then we have more of a chance of my...
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And he was with this friend that I have concerns about.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. And I did actually talk to an attorney on the phone for an hour, but, and he did go over stuff, but we didn't really go over a lot of the risks and like, there's a lot more to it. I feel like I should know.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
basically he left my dog all night and he's like no we walked her at 10 p.m and now we're on our way back she's totally fine and that was incredibly upsetting to me like i've never left my dog overnight without a human to sleep with like ever yeah i was really really mad and i just don't think he would have done something like that if he weren't with this person but also that was his choice so
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
That's my fear though. Like we go, because I feel like he would fight because he doesn't fight now. So he clearly doesn't care. But when there's money involved, I feel like he will.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Well, the, one of the risks attorney did say is if I do file, he could fight and that he could potentially have like been like every other weekend or something. And that's my concern. That's a risk to me because I don't want, I think it's better my son not to be around him at this point. You know, like that to me is a risk. I'm like, do I, I don't care.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I care more about my son's peace than the money.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I don't know. This is like such a big, I honestly feel like I just want to keep going as is. have in, I guess the part of me wants the file because I'm angry, but the other part of me is like, do I just let it go and just let him keep doing what he does, whatever that is. He doesn't, he's not a father, you know? And then I just, I don't know.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I guess I just don't know if it's time to cut him out and not like, it was like, do I force my son to call him? Do I not force my son?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
boyfriend you know is doing a great you know job of of playing the role he's playing but i would just yeah i mean my only my big advice to you is just don't do anything petty and don't force him to call if he doesn't want you yeah and what's your motivation to potentially force him to call i don't know to be honest my boyfriend thinks i had stockholm syndrome for me in um that not anymore but even when me and my boyfriend got together like i would make excuses and
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I don't know why I don't, I honestly don't know why I, I for so long tried the relationship to work. I tried to understand my ex so much. I tried, I would do things like what you said, instead of like coming at them, like just like talking in a way of like, just trying to understand him. Like, why did you do that? It's like, what is what's going on in your head?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
No, for sure. Yeah, it's a lot. And I just I don't really know. I'm just at a point where, you know, I just am so I just don't know the right moves. And I'm trying to take the steps to do it.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
But like cutting him out is what I will if in my perfect world, I would like cut him out, have my boyfriend adopt my our son because he's been fed to every appointment, a school, a conference since we were together. So we've been together since 2022. My son was six. He's been, he's going to school for nuclear engineering and he's going to be graduating in two months.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And since my son has also seen him in school and doing this work, like he loves school now, you know, we had such a problem in school before. And since he's came into our lives, his grades went from like F to Bs. You know, and I just feel like he's such a better dad and he has the he can actually like he's earned that role.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
But then to actually go through with it just seems like a lot, you know, to change his last name and to not cut his dad out. But I really don't. He doesn't even talk to his family. His sister just got married and he didn't go. So I had to talk to his mom, talk to his sister, meet up with his sister.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I don't know. This is what my boyfriend tells me that too. And I think it's just that this family, you know, that's his family too.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And I find myself like anytime my current partner is like a little intoxicated, he's, I mean, he drinks a lot, but not in large amounts, if that makes sense. So like, he's like a beer a day kind of guy. And I find myself just getting triggered by it. Like I get really irritated and I'm not very nice about it.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
But like all night she was probably wondering, I like can't.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Okay. Yeah. No, that makes sense. It's hard for me. And I don't know why. I think I just have like, oh, like, you know, I care about my son and I want him to have these relationships.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. But he's nine. So it's like, I don't know. And it was his aunt's wedding. you know? So as he, and my ex, you know, even told me his sister was getting married and he just talked so down, even on the phone, the last conversation they had, he's talking down about his family to my son. And it's just like, I just don't think that's good for my son to hear these things.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And I'm just trying to be that person that's like, this is your family. Like, I'll make sure that you, you know, I got you, you know, but you're right. I won't go out of my way to like, for them to have one.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I. I know. No, like logically, I understand. But I'm I mean, you understand, too, because you have dogs. I'm obsessed with my dog and the idea of her being like alone. really upset me. I think I just felt more like disrespected. I felt like the fact that he had said he was going to do a thing that he didn't really do.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
No, I did. Your podcast has been therapy for me.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
But I'm just saying- That's so much value.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
He's like a, yeah, he's like a leak.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, no. And I have, I've been a lot better. The beginning of our relationship was a lot worse. And I do feel like I have finally let go. Like maybe like six months ago, it took that long just to like not even care about my ex's feelings. And that is a little strange to me. Why did I care? Like why? Do what? You know, I don't know. It's a great question, but I am letting go.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Like I officially feel like if he was, and I'm pregnant now and I'm four months and I feel like since my ex found that out too, like he has been a little bit more aggressive with Jack.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Like he's like the last conversation. He just seemed to be more like he doesn't care that he's hurting his feelings. And then he told, My son that I bought him a PS5 for his birthday. And he was like, on the last conversation, he goes, you don't deserve a PS5. And so now he randomly goes, I don't deserve this. I don't deserve that. I feel like he doesn't feel like he's deserving.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I'm like, you are deserving, honey. Don't let him tell you you're not deserving. And I tried to tell my ex what you said. He doesn't deserve this. Watch your word. It's like, you know, it's not...
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And at this point, they haven't talked for a month and a half. Besides these stupid messages, he says, I'm thinking of you randomly. And that's where I think I feel bad. He messages him on this watch. And he refuses to call my phone though.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Be there to like... So we praise him.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. And I think the counseling has helped him a lot too because he's very like aware of his feelings.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
If nothing changes, do you, this is like a kind of separate question. Do you think it would be wrong to have my boyfriend adopt my son if he's continuously doing the cycle of hurting him?
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Well, I'm glad you're telling me that. I honestly didn't know what your advice would be. Like, I had two other questions I wanted to ask, but I decided not to. But I already kind of knew what you were going to say, to be honest. But this one, I genuinely didn't know. So I appreciate it. It does feel like I know the right thing to do. It's just hard to do, I guess.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, no, 100%. But because the way, what the attorney basically told me is because he hasn't been present or he does never pay a child support for one, that's a big one. We don't need his approval for my boyfriend to adopt him. We can take him to court and the judge would probably sign off that it's okay. But that's where like all these other people like file for child support.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
But part of me just doesn't even want to file for it. It's like, I don't even want
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Okay. Thank you for saying that. You're like the only person in my life who say that. Me and my boyfriend are the only ones that are like, let's maybe look into everything before. Because we want, ideally... When he asked them to adopt him, like, first of all, my heart shattered, like for great, it was sad, but also like the most amazing thing, like their relationship is he's the best person.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And I truly like want to thank you a lot because I know a lot of it was me, but like your podcast just helped me so much, you know, just the things when, even when dating, you know, like dating was the whole thing and then finding my boyfriend and the right boundaries to say for what I want. And then I just feel like it's all, it's really all worked out great. And your podcast has been a huge help.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Well, I did have one though. Just so you know, I did have one. And we also, that therapist told me, they're like, literally, they're like, we've never told anyone what to do, but leave him. That's what he said. He literally looked at me and said, leave him. And that was when that was going on with my sister, I think. But then I saw him a couple more times and then we stopped.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
But I will do it again.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, no, I'll, I'll do that. I do feel like I've let go of a lot of things, but, and I don't, it's not like I talk to my friends all the time about this. I really have let it go a lot, but it is still, it's just more so the custody stuff, but I, I will talk to someone. It will help me. I know just to like that stuff because he pisses me off and that will probably always be effective.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
literal like he's the worst like i've never heard a call like either is even more like your mouth would be on the ground like i've never heard a caller say anything and what i find honestly embarrassing is like when he cheated on me it wasn't like a normal feeding like at least go to the bar and meet someone but you can't because i think you're freaking clearly you haven't like it's weird like your craigslist ads and there's something wrong i mean there's something wrong with your
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
It's freaking weird. It's embarrassing. It's like, what the hell?
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
No, and I know, and there's been people that have called into you or have a friends that are like going through a battle and for, and then that's why I'm like, I love the piece. You know, I think I didn't have that for so long and I don't know why I stayed with it for so long. It's a million dollar question.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I do know. I do know. I think that's what I'm struggling with. Like you said, I make up ideas in my head and I'm very scared of things going sideways. So I feel like I'm in constant protection mode and I just get frustrated pretty easily. And I don't want to be like that because I'm typically a very loving person. And I think he knows how much I love him, but I definitely feel myself being
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you. I appreciate your advice. I wasn't sure, honestly, like I said, what you're going to say. So I knew you're probably going to say he's a loser. And there's a lot of times you're like, don't, you can't, or what do you say? Like, you can't, you know, categorize a narcissist, but he is one, like a hundred percent. Like he's everything under the sun, but who cares?
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I know it doesn't matter, but it just, yeah. doesn't matter.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
No, I do. And I can tell I want to hurt him in a little bit. Like if I file for child support, like, oh, it's going to hurt him. And then I kind of wanted to give his real name, which I didn't. But like, I kind of wanted to just to be like, yeah, you got to like that.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Okay. Well, that's what I'll work on. And I will get, I will, I'll call today. I have time. So I'll call and talk to someone. And I am proud of myself for being able to hold, like when I did, did talk to him, I didn't like, he would say really bad things and mean things, but I just always held my composure. I feel like that's a lot has helped with just this podcast in general, yours and others.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Just I've held my composure really well, but I do need to let other things out and let go of some stuff. So I do need to, talk to a therapist. I just think it also, it's, it's hard when everyone is in my ear too, like, oh, file for child support, file for child support, like everybody. But I'm just going to do what's best for my son.
The Viall Files
E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
I mean, listen, the reality that you're going to have to face is that you will never be able to prevent or guarantee heartbreak. Yeah.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
Yeah, I guess when you say that, because I 100% agree. I think, obviously, like conversation. And when you're like, I feel like we just often me and my boyfriend, I mean, just get into conversation. Like deep talks a lot. We're very like chatty all the time. So like, future goals do come up often. And us talking about our future together.
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
okay well it's good to recognize yeah which is honestly it's very hypocritical because i'm i'm like i'm i could probably say i'm a fairly big drinker i'm in liquor sales so i am around alcohol like every single day and i socially drink quite a bit
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E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister
And there are times too, when I catch it, and I just kind of like, maybe we shouldn't be talking about this, but what, what is your advice for that? Because I don't want to be putting too much pressure on the relationship, but I also don't want to be shutting down just like natural conversation.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Um, I haven't, I don't live in the town where they live. They live in like the town we grew up in. Um, but from what I have heard, he hasn't heard much from anyone. Um, I don't, they don't have like close mutual friends, but they have friends that like run in the same circles. So no one's told him anything, but it's very possible. They're keeping it a secret for her from her as well.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah, I could very well see that considering how hard she was on him in the beginning to just block and ghost essentially seems very odd.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
From the way he told it to me was that he was trying to calm her down, that he was trying to, I mean, they ended up at the end of that night, sort of calmed down. So it seems like he stayed there until she was in a better headspace. He like drove her somewhere, dropped her off. Everything seemed like it had sort of patched up at the end of the night.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
And then he was shocked to get the, I wish I never involved you. I'm blocking you message.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. That's what we're thinking as well. And we like going back to earlier, like she doesn't have as strong of a support system as he does. Like he has a good job, a well-paying job, good parents that we have, we're well off enough, like good support system emotionally. Yeah.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Well, from what my brother told me, he was saying things like, oh, well, my best friend told her this. Her best friend also has a child, so was giving her advice. She had told my brother to reach out to this friend to get advice on being a new father.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
This was before he got blocked, yeah. So it seems like her best friend who also has a kid is aware, but... Yeah.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. That's a good idea. We should be paying attention.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
That is what she told him she wanted, that she that's how she likes it. Apparently, she assured him that if something were to happen, she would get an abortion. Obviously, he absolutely should have set that boundary and should never been doing that. But like, I understand like a friend, but.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. How do you know until you're in a situation?
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Exactly. It wouldn't until you're in the moment how you would actually feel about it.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
He told me about going back on the apps about a month ago.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah, that's kind of exactly how it went. It's we'd kind of hit that like three month honeymoon phase is over kind of mark. Like, what are we doing here? And that was when he approached me with an incentive that he got from his boss to if he sells a certain number of insurance policies, as he's an insurance salesman, that she would offer a bonus.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
And in order to network, he wanted to go back on the dating apps to meet girls to sell them insurance policies.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
He's a property and casualty agent and life and health as well. So it's personal auto and life and health is what he's selling.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Evidently so. Evidently there is no other way to sell.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
make commission through insurance except i mean i mean like obviously this is ridiculous so like why why are you even entertaining yeah that's my question is why am i even entertaining this the gas but i'm asking you yeah i'm asking you the gas lighting here is unreal like i know i'm being gaslit for sure um okay because the way that he explains it he like makes it sound so believable that like
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
He knows that people have done this before and he knows it works. And his reference is his boss. His boss is the one who gave the staff this idea because that is what she did. And that's how she got started. And now she.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I think a lot of it is that like, okay, I'm in my mid thirties now. Right. So like the clock is ticking, finding people is really hard. And this has been like the first potential, um,
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
suitor and i'm gonna be real like years right and up until a month ago when we had this conversation it seemed like everything was going really well and even since like since we've had this conversation like nothing has really changed except now he's back on the dating apps so he is on the dating apps uh-huh he matched with my roommate a couple of days ago
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
My name is Fiona. I'm 27 years old and my brother's pregnant ex-girlfriend blocked me and my whole family.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
When I say like nothing has changed, I mean like the day to day. Right. So like we still.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I think what makes it confusing for me is that like when we discussed this a couple of days ago, because like I said, he popped up as a match for my roommate and she was like, hey, let me just like, what do you think I should do? Should I like... swipe back. Should I like, like his photo just to kind of get, get it started.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Um, she was like, let's just kind of mess with him and see if he doesn't recognize me. Right. And if we can get him to meet up, but he recognized her immediately. And like, literally as she was telling me this, like I was walking out the door to go see him. Um, and he brought it up like pretty much immediately with me, like arriving to see him. Um,
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
and the way he explains it like makes me just frankly like so confused because he was like i hate that this is called a dating app because that's not what i'm using it for he's like it doesn't matter i don't yeah it's just again like you shouldn't be entertaining this you are
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
They are not together. No, they were barely together. They were together for two months. Very brief.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
You know what's funny is there are pictures of us together where I'm cropped out.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I think that's like what I needed is like reality check and some like tough love that like, no, you're not crazy for thinking that this is crazy. Because like I said, the way that he explains it to me, it's it like it's so unbelievable that it sounds believable.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Well, that is according to her. It is his. According to us, the chances are it is not.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
And that's what he posted me is like, what else should I try? Like what else? He says he's done that, but it can't be linked to his, his boss's business. It has to be just him. Like he had an excuse for that when I asked him like, what about LinkedIn or what about Reddit? And he was like, well, it can't be tied to my boss's business. It has to be just, what does that mean? I don't know.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
No. Well, so the story goes, they were together for two months. For context, my brother was a virgin before he met her. So he waited a long time. He's 24 years old and basically wanted to wait until he was with the right girl to lose his virginity. So this was his first girlfriend. They were together for two months. They
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
yeah and that's like probably what would happen because i don't think that he would stop which is like that's like the hard part about it is like i feel like it's like high risk like why what what do you what is so different about this guy that you know when you say he's the first person i've liked in so long yeah what makes him so what makes him what would you like about him you can't find with other right like up until a few months ago it's like it's
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
The trajectory was really good. It was heading towards relationship.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
So that's the thing is like, it was never, there was never a label, right?
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
No, I think you're right. I think that that's fair to say. Maybe I'm pursuing those that shouldn't be pursued that aren't available so what did you like about this guy i felt like he was interested in me which i like haven't felt in a while um so that like made me feel you haven't found anyone interested in you period not like i'm mutually i guess
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Not to the extent of this one, like this one, it was like, we're talking every day. We're like going on trips together. We're spending weekends together.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I guess that was how I felt like he was interested in me because he was really pursuing me.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I mean, I know you're saying you're like, I find it really hard to believe that you haven't found a boyfriend. But like, yeah, no, I haven't. I've been on... I've been trying to find somebody for, I feel like years at this point, someone who, like I said, where it's like a real mutual connection, which I haven't been able to find up until right now.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
And I hear you when it's like, it's not this guy. He wouldn't be on the dating apps if he wasn't.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
was interested in pursuing just you before this guy like this like how often are you talking with men before you go on a date like are you having a problem matching with people or is it like at what point do things seem to like not go your way usually after the first date like honestly that's been the trajectory with probably the last like five or six where you know like I we meet up on a first date and I feel like it's cool it's great like I'd love to see you again and I get hit with a
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Hooked up a handful of times, he says about 10 times, and he never climaxed with her. So she seems to be convinced that it's his.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I don't feel a romantic connection. I don't feel a spark. And there's been a lot of first dates recently.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I mean, most of the time, it's most of them. Okay. Where I would like to see them again, but then they don't feel the same way. And tell this one, where he was really pursuing me.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Most of the men that I've went out with recently have said that like, I'm, I'm really good at making them feel comfortable. So I guess to answer your question is like, Yeah. It's like, I'm attracting men who are typically a little bit more shy and reserved and need some help getting out of their shell.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
They did not wear protection. She asked him not to. So that along with the timelines are not adding up. So she reached out to him on September 20th to say, look, I'm pregnant. It's yours. I'm keeping it. That's that. freaked out, was very shocked, was just confused about the whole thing.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
And like, I'm, I'm good at making them feel like that's not, that's not your job on a first date.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Maybe that's why I could potentially be falling into a friend zone, right? It's because I'm looking a little bit too eager. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
You know, when like we're talking on the apps and the conversation is flowing really well and it seems like there's potential and that like, oh, we're going to meet face to face and it's going to go really well. Right. Because that's like how it is in conversation over text is going really well. And then we meet face to face and then and then it doesn't go well. Right.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
It doesn't go the way that I thought that it would.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
She said she was six weeks pregnant, which would have made her like, we looked up this because we had no idea how they calculate how long people are pregnant. But according to all of our research, if you're six weeks pregnant on September 20th, it would make your last period August 9th.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
There are like, there are some of just me, there are some with friends, there are some, there's full body photos. Right. So like you do get like an accurate depiction of what I look like.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. or just or commit i think you're right like on all fronts that like yes on the first date in the situation with this guy where it's like i'm i'm like making it too easy where it's like they know that they've already like locked me in because i'm like giving giving that vibe off right that like i already like you so they don't really have to do any work anymore which is yeah
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
yeah, if I'm interested in you, like, I don't, I think it's like, I don't want you to wonder, right? I want you to know like where I'm at and how I'm feeling. And if I like, I like the vibe and I want to continue to get to know you. I like, I guess I don't have a problem with like expressing that. So that way you don't have a question of where I'm at.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Right. Cause it is just a first date, right?
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. I mean, I haven't looked at it like this before.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
is essentially how the six weeks comes it's calculated from the first day of your last period again what we read and the last time they hooked up was july 28th so the timelines aren't adding up there's rumors that she had hooked up with other people so we're not sure what to believe okay well just know she could also be lying about the six weeks very much yeah what a pickle
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I'm liking them just because I feel like they like me.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
And that was kind of like the last conversation was a little bit of me like putting my foot down when we spoke a couple of days ago. Because like I said, he brought it up that my roommate had like matched with him. I told him that like, I wish you could understand like how this looks to me that like people don't go on a dating app to network their business.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
They go on looking to fuck around and find out or it's like, Hey, I'm looking for something serious, but not looking to rush into anything. They don't go into it with, I'm trying to sell business, right? They go into it looking for a partner, whatever that may mean to you. they're looking for something romantic or something physical.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
And I was like, I wish you could just see how this looks to me and how like stupid and foolish I look that like, you tell me that you want to just be friends and then you hop right back on a dating app. Like, I wish you could see how stupid that makes me and like how disrespectful it is to me, honestly. And his response to that was that he's being very selfish and
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
And he's tried to express that to me. And this is a perfect example of it, of he's about him. He's about his health and his business right now. And getting back on these apps, knowing that where I'm at is a risk he's willing to take.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I think like to like breeding too much into situations because like, When I say the day-to-day hasn't really changed, he still hits me up every day. He still wants to see me every weekend. We're still planning trips together. Stop that.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
No, I don't reach out. It's him coming to me.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
And just like be firm with that because like that's the hard part.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I just feel like it's like what's hard for me is that besides the being on the dating apps, like it seemed like that's where that's what he was doing. He was investing and pursuing and like.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
It's like what my therapist says. She's like, you have to really think about like, if you allowing him access to you is hurting you or helping you in the long run.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
You know, I think what's hard for me to forget is that like, yeah, he's on the apps. Like, cause he's tells me that it's to solicit and to make friends and he doesn't know.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I need to have some self-respect and some value for myself to know that that's not acceptable.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I don't know why I'm entertaining this. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Which would probably not correspond with him not talking to him. I would take the power back that you don't get to.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
You don't have to see him again, right?
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I just like really have to remember that like he's spoken his piece. This is his truth. He's on the dating apps. And that's what I, I have to remember. I like, I really cannot think about, you know, the, how it's been the last three months and the things that we have planned for the future. Like,
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
That is null and void when you tell me that you want to just be friends and then hop right back on a dating app.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
No, I think you're right. This is like what I needed to hear. I needed a little reality check and some tough love. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yes. He was very much willing to be involved in the beginning. Obviously we weren't originally blocked by her. She was very much wanting him to be involved.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
So right when we first found out, we didn't really talk to her for about a weekend. We were all just like trying to wrap our heads around it, trying to come together, figure out what we're going to do. But once he had had a couple of days to process, he was like, okay, I want to be involved with as much as I can. I want to get on the same page. Like, We're going to be in this together.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Okay, good. I'm Michelle. I'm 34, and I broke up with my stoner boyfriend, but now I'm wondering if I should have just gotten past that.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
assuming he was transparent with me about it when we first met, he like had like a vape pen, you know, he would, and he had like a job where he could, he could do it at work and still like do his job. So to my knowledge, he was doing it like every day on his lunch break. I assume like in the morning when he woke up and then every day after work.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
No, he, I wouldn't have known really until, unless he told me,
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I can't speak for him exactly, but from what he told me, he's had depression, anxiety, trauma. He was an ex-military person. I think he's tried antidepressants. He's tried other things to help with his depression, and those didn't work. He didn't like the side effects, and this was the thing that he found that helped him. deal with life and his depression is what he told me.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
So he said he was just bored. I think so. Yeah. I mean, I guess I believed him, but.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. And so like on our like third date, he told me and I was like, okay, that's not really like what I'm into.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Because I've dated people that this like they've done it frequently before. And I think just like having a partner who's like a little buzzed all the time, like not fully present bugs me.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I think so. I just like I don't know. I wanted him to not be altered all the time and just be sober.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah, I think, yeah, just knowing he was doing it.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. So he told me he was tapering it off. He quit for like two months because he said, I want you to know that it doesn't change my personality. I want you to see me like sober. So he did quit for two months like cold turkey. So I got to see him without it. But then he slowly started doing it more and more again.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
So I'd love to have some sort of friendship with her going forward. So he met up with her after a few days. Everything went well. They cried together. They talked about how stressed they were. They came together as a unit and everything seemed good. So all of that was pretty much secured until the following day when she reached out to him again and And basically asked him to come over.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
And then he started hiding it from me, which was like the main reason why we broke up.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
like seven or eight months like long enough for it to feel like pretty serious and like i could have seen a future with this person what did you like about him he was really kind he was really patient he was really outdoorsy we would go camping and like snowboarding was a really good dog dad to my dog he's just like a good human do you miss him Yeah.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I mean, especially it's a little bleak out here in the dating world. And I don't know. I'm just like, what if every other person I date is like not as good of a human as he is, but doesn't smoke weed, you know, like.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
yeah good question yeah the hiding it from me thing was like the what ended our relationship but i'm like well if i hadn't told him it bugged me so much he wouldn't have been hiding it and then we well it doesn't make it okay that he hid it but like when you say hit it how much was like was he just kind of trying to avoid doing it around you or was he flat out just lying to you he would just avoid doing it around me okay not quite the same then yeah but it's lying
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I told him like, I'm okay with you doing it on the weekends. Like if you could just not do it every day, like all day during the work week, like I could try to get over it. And, but he was doing it while I was at work. Cause I worked late shifts and he was just doing it all day, which was not like the compromise that we agreed on.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
It never seemed to bother him after I broke up with him over it. Now he's saying that he realizes he has a dependency on it and he's like trying to just quit because he. You know, like, he was happy with me and he wishes he hadn't let this, like, ruin our relationship. I don't know. At the time, it seemed like he didn't care, like, that he was doing it all the time.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Oh, God. We fought about it all the time because, I mean, I... Didn't drink every day, but maybe like four or five times a week.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Well, like a beer, you know, like once he started the whole like not smoking during the week, just on the weekends thing. I just started drinking on the weekends because I felt like that was like a fair compromise. So I've been drinking less, but we would fight about it a lot. Be like, well, what's the difference between me smoking and you drinking? But I just I didn't want to drink.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
But I feel like if he did smoke or like did drink every day on his lunch break and then drank as soon as he got home and then drank before he went to bed, I think that would bug me too.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
He said, I just got home from work. I'm talking with my parents. My parents are emotional. So we're just talking things out. And she said, well, you're not being here for me and your baby. So come over immediately. He panicked naturally. Didn't want to be that guy. Wanted to just do whatever he could. So he went over there and she sort of threw a tantrum, cried, freaked out.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah, I guess I just, like, wish I could have been in his brain. Because I know, like, he said it, you know, because he has such a tolerance to it. Like, it's not like he's, like, blasted, you know, he's not, like, super high out of his mind.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
black and white about it especially since you drink on a pretty regular basis yeah i just lost my shit whenever he was like lying about it because i was like you know it felt like we were working on it together until he just was like i guess in his brain well she's still going to be bothered by it so i'm just going to do it and not tell her yeah that's i mean again i don't like
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
yeah I because I was being paranoid and I he was like at my house like watching my dog until I got off work and I like looked on my rover camera and he was on my porch doing it with my dog and then he lied I like asked him about it later and he lied about it so he did lie Yeah. And OK, like brush his teeth and wash his face so I wouldn't smell it on him.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
And like and it was my weed, too, that he was he like smoked and then he like put it back in the bottom of the thing. And so I wouldn't know that he had done that. So that was when I lost my shit about it. I was like, OK, well, this, you know, isn't going to get any better if you're just lying about it now.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
She told him she wished she never involved him. She was throwing out insane accusations, like first said he was being a deadbeat dad, even though we just found out. She accused him and I of sleeping together, me and my brother. She said rude things about me posting pictures sexy pictures on Instagram. She threatened to kill herself, threatened to smoke cigarettes.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah, where I'm at now is he is like begging me to work it out. And he's not like calling and texting me as much because I told him to stop. But like if tomorrow, if I called him and I was like, hey, I've been thinking about it and I want to try to work it out like he would, which is what's like so confusing.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
But we like we fought about it so much. We're still going to fight about it all the time.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I mean, he he did change how much he was doing it, but he still thinks there's like nothing wrong with doing it like every night.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I know. But I don't know. I didn't like the idea that it seemed like he needed to be high to enjoy spending time with me. It felt like he was a little grumpy.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. I don't know. We would like go on a hike and he would usually had a summit joint and he was like grumpy that he wasn't having a summit joint. We would go paddle boarding and he was like grumpy that he wanted to smoke a joint.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
So she had a big, essentially mental break of sorts. And then following that day, blocked us and said, I wish I never told you.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. And I mean, I wasn't drinking as much. I was aware of the hypocrisy.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
It just seemed like he wasn't trying other ways. I was aware he had mental health issues. He was open about that.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Well, like he wasn't like sleeping enough. He wasn't like eating healthy. He wasn't like he's never tried to go to therapy or like talk about his feelings or like try to cope.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I would always like find a pint of Ben and Jerry's in the trash can. And I was like, somebody smoked here. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I tried for months to like just deal with it, but I, I don't know. I just,
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
But the main reason I ended it was I was being a little crazy. I stalked his location and found my friends. And I was like, he went to a dispensary, that motherfucker. And he was hiding it from me towards the end.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I know because he was, I don't know. I felt in my gut, like he was hiding it.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
She said on September 20th that she was six weeks pregnant.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I know. And like a lot of my friends, husbands do it a lot. And one of my friends is even like, yeah, I think he's like a better dad sometimes because he's a little more patient and a little like in a better mood. And a lot of my friends, it doesn't bother them that their husbands do it. And I don't know why I couldn't get past it. And like I tried for like seven months and I just.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah, because he has had suicidal ideations and stuff before. I know he really needed it more than I have.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I was being crazy at the end and I wasn't trusting him and I thought he was hiding it, which is why I like was, yeah, spot like watching his location and why I saw him on my Rover cam doing it because I was spiraling. So I know, I mean, I know I had my problems in that relationship too, but yeah, you're right.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I, I could go into my next relationship and yeah, the guy could be treat me way worse, not smoke a ton of weed and I will regret it.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. And I've heard other people that you've talked to talk about like the lack of motivation that their partners have. And I think that was another thing that really bothered me was like I he didn't he hated his job, but he wouldn't apply for a better job. And he was he seemed like it was affecting his general life just because he didn't seem super motivated and just kind of complacent.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I know. Well, the only reason I know this is because the whole time they were even together, he was coming to me like, ask your friends, is this normal? Have they ever experienced this?
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I think it's just the fact that my experience with weed is so different than his.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I couldn't understand what was going on in his brain because when I have smoked, I'm very foggy.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I tried to just not let it bother me. And it never, I never could get it to not bother me. And,
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Like not being able to finish, essentially. So he was having, it was an issue in their relationship that he couldn't climax.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. I mean, the other stuff I could have looked past that, like he hated his job and he wasn't super motivated, but for whatever reason, just the, I would vary.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. And I don't know, but I just think it affected his whole lifestyle. And I don't know, but also like the smell and the, yeah, his beard. Well,
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
performance anxiety yeah that's kind of what i told him i mean obviously i don't know for sure but damn okay i don't know i mean i don't know what i know because i don't know what is all he is at this point is the alleged father yeah i don't know what rights he has basically none we reached out to a lawyer and we asked them the same question and it was essentially nothing like if she doesn't want to do a paternity test then we don't have any rights until the baby's born and we can confirm that it's his
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
That was me. I didn't like myself at the end there because I knew I was policing him and driving him nuts, not letting him just do him, do something he enjoyed.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I know. Yeah, that bugs me a little too.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I guess now that I've actually done the breakup, should I just let him find somebody who it doesn't bother them and they won't fight about it every weekend?
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I don't know. We just, we fought about it so much. And I mean, neither of us were happy because.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Now he's saying, I want to work things out. I'll quit completely if you want.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah, because ultimately I think he would resent me for it and then he may have more.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I changed a little bit. Like, I was okay with him doing it, like, all weekend most of the time. Like, which I... I just know what I'm talking about.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I live in Colorado, so I'm pretty sure that most guys that live here that I'm going to date probably also enjoy it. Maybe not to that level, but it's always going to be a thing as long as I live in Colorado. I don't know.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
yeah, I should get some therapy. And I mean, I haven't talked to him in a little while, but because I told him like to give me space to like think about it, but he definitely, if I called him right after this and told him I wanted to work it out, he would, but I haven't done the work on myself. So I don't know if we could work it out, but.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
He did say his lungs felt better the two months that he quit smoking and running was easier.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Not 100% sure because we're not there yet. But if we are able to confirm that it's his, then we could obviously go to court for some sort of custody.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. I think I was just being stubborn.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
He said, I can drug test him if I want, which is crazy, and I would not do that, of course.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
That was about a month ago, I want to say. Three weeks?
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
I don't know how long he would actually be willing to quit or change.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. He's now, since we had the breakup, he is like working out more and like eating healthier and trying to find other ways to get that breakup pod, you know? Yeah. I don't know. I just wish he had tried a little harder.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Nothing, really. We tried in the beginning, and obviously we're blocked, so there's not much.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
well shit um yeah and like i said earlier like maybe i'm not the right girl for him because i that's your conclusion wouldn't you rather figure your shit out yeah but i mean there's there's probably a girl out there that it doesn't bother them at all and okay i don't know so i mean i i mean i do want to work on why did i let this thing end of
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Right. Yeah. Well, she very well might not be still pregnant. We don't know.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
A lot of my friends have told me that too. They don't agree with the decision I made because they did like him.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah, no, that's a good way to put it. Yep. I feel like that's what I'm doing. All right.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yep. I need some therapy. Maybe I need to smoke a little more. I don't know.
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E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Well, thank you. Thanks for the tough love.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
It was sort of a thing in their relationship. There was one time where she got a couple texts from somebody else and then the timelines are just not adding up. So she seems very sure, but we're sort of wondering if since they were broken up, if there was someone else or not.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
It's not great from what we know. I mean, her parents, according to her, are supportive.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah. We went to elementary school together, so they have lots of mutual friends. All right.
The Viall Files
E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
Yeah, at this point, there's not much we can do, obviously. We feel like, yeah, if she's blocked us, we don't want to do anything extreme to reach out. We're just sort of figuring out how to mentally process.