Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Our first caller’s boyfriend said she was a burden right after they went ring shopping. Our second caller’s ex is disrespecting her boundaries, and it’s taking a toll on her current marriage. And, our third caller is debating coming out to her family on Christmas. “Right now you’re frustrated at a problem you’re creating.” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [email protected] to be a part of our Monday episodes. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [email protected] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on the show, contact [email protected] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Cymbiotika - High-quality, holistic health–right at your fingertips. Be present and feel your best for life’s most memorable moments. Go to https://cymbiotika.com/viall for 20% off your order + free shipping today SKIMS - Check out SKIMS best intimates including the Fits Everybody Collection and more at https://www.skims.com/viall #skimspartner BetterHelp - Write your story, with BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. Article -Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell
Chapter 1: How does feeling like a burden affect relationships?
Exactly. Um, cause it won't, you know, like you, you, people get divorced all the time. People are engaged all the time. Uh, it just makes it, it just makes it more of a pain in the ass to be honest. Like the only thing that makes relationship works is a desire to make it work from both parties. I think that's it. You know, you just both have to want to wake up and choose to figure it out.
People give up in situations like you're describing when they lose hope or they feel like they've tried everything and they can't get anywhere.
I think he feels like he's giving so much and I'm still not happy because I want that one particular thing.
Can you let that thing go?
I want to have the mental flexibility to see how else we could define full commitment. He has a lot of trauma. His parents have each been divorced three times. So there's a lot of fear there about marriage on his side. So I understand some of his fears. Also, part of it has nothing to do with me.
Sure, but I... forgetting about his trauma or your trauma or whatever, again, like, as a, you seem highly intelligent, self-aware, but like, can you wrap your brain around the idea that, If you can, like you and I can sit here and talk and you can acknowledge that marriage is not going to give you the security that you desire.
Because at the end of the day, to me, when I'm hearing from you, this is about you finding security.
Yes.
You know, you want to feel secure and safe in this relationship. Okay, that's a valid feeling, a goal to have. We all want to feel safe and secure. You, somewhere along the lines, have decided that marriage is that security and safety that you need, right? But through this conversation, you can also acknowledge that is a misguided, inaccurate viewpoint of what marriage is, especially in 2024.
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Chapter 2: What should I do when my partner feels overwhelmed?
Yeah, he is.
Okay.
We're on the same page with that.
Great. Right. So that matters as far as marriage. Yeah. You know, less important because again, as we just discussed, what is really marriage in 2024 is,
other than like you know maybe that final step of like i'm really in this thing you know and we're committed to each other but even then you know it's all it is is a contract in a ceremony but it doesn't really give you that much more security thank you this is helpful just like seeing yeah getting out of my own way has to be recognizing that and having that internal dialogue but
that that is the wrong place to seek safety.
Yeah.
I just hope that he'll still choose me. We're kind of at this, we're at a, we're at a real fork in the road right now. Uh, his energy has shifted and I, I've been through breakups before. I can tell.
Sure. Yeah.
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