Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Our first caller is wondering why her husband freaked out when she opened his instagram. Our second caller had an affair when she was married and isn’t sure if she deserves to pay for it in her new relationship. And, our third caller is debating getting back with her ex after she found out he got his one night stand pregnant. “You don’t want him. You want a man that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated." Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [email protected] to be a part of our Monday episodes. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [email protected] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on this podcast please email: [email protected] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article Furniture - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout BetterHelp - Your well-being is worth it. Visit https://betterhelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. Quince - For your next trip, treat yourself to the luxe upgrades you deserve from Quince. Go to https://quince.com/viall for 365 day returns, plus free shipping on your order. Caraway - Spring into action with the healthy swap to Caraway. Our favorite cookware set will save you $150 versus buying the items individually. Plus, if you visit https://carawayhome.com/viall10 you can take an additional 10% off your next purchase. Cymbiotika - Go to https://cymbiotika.com/viall for 20% off + Free Shipping. Skylight Frame - Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch Calendars by going to https://skylightcal.com/viall Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (01:43) - Caller One (33:25) - Caller Two (01:13:23) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell
Chapter 1: Why did my husband freak out over Instagram?
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Chapter 2: How do I move on from an affair in a new relationship?
If it feels like you're still paying for it, it's because you've never really faced it. You've never really dealt with it. That's what I'm hearing. You had an affair. Your ex-husband found out he wanted to work on it. You didn't. You left a relationship. A month goes by. That's no time at all. You probably weren't even divorced by the time you met your ex-boyfriend, right?
Like I'm guessing you were just separated. You weren't even fully divorced. So like you're already in this new relationship. I'm guessing you didn't really do the work to really understand that. What caused you to do what you did? Yeah, you could sit there and tell me you felt unseen, alone, whatever. Clearly, the relationship wasn't healthy.
But again, you made the choice to have the affair as opposed to dealing with the issue in your relationship. And so it's understanding why you made those choices. In life, we either make healthy choices or unhealthy choices. Every choice that we make usually is one of the two. Like even our healthy choices sometimes don't work out, but like we often make choices that don't serve us.
You know, for example, a lot of our choices around happiness, right? Is that happiness short-term happiness? Is it long-term happiness? Is it happiness that we, you know, an orgasm, I guess, happiness, but like, will that orgasm last beyond five minutes past the sex? You know, that's maybe a bad analogy, but you get what I'm saying, right? So
I'm getting the sense from you, you make a lot of unhealthy choices, you know? And sometimes unhealthy choices compound and snowball because it's just, we're trying to mask a previous choice that didn't pan out. And so then we rush into another choice, et cetera, et cetera. You have not faced the fact that you had an affair.
And if you met a new guy tomorrow, do you even know how you would handle that conversation?
I actually had somebody hit on me at Costco yesterday. And it's not like I was interested in looking or anything, but he said, can I have your number? And I said, no, I'm vibing alone for the foreseeable future. And he said, well, then can I give you my number so that when this foreseeable future is over, you can reach out? And I just said, I'm not going to use it.
I just know that it's important for me to learn how to be alone, but not feel lonely. And it's important for me to kind of get my own self-esteem back and build up what I really need to work on because I can't keep getting into relationships and expecting those relationships to fix me or make me feel like the way that I'm being is validated and just.
Yeah. Well, that's a step in the right direction. But yeah, I mean, you have to be able to own what you did, first and foremost. It happened. You did it. It was a mistake. You sound regretful, but the solution to that mistake isn't to lie about the mistake and pretend it didn't happen because you're afraid other people will judge you. I mean, listen, people are going to judge you.
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Chapter 7: What are the signs of emotional cheating?
So hopefully this was helpful. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a tough situation, but this can be a turning point in your life, you know, and I would take it very seriously. Otherwise, fast forward, you know, it's a blink of an eye. You're going to be in your 50s or 60s.
And you don't want to be the person who has simply three more ex-boyfriends and then your kids are all adults and they're just like, yeah, mom, she's just a fucking mess when it comes to men. And then you're still bringing men drama into your life when your kids are just looking for a mom to maybe... enjoy their grandchildren or things like that.
You're very young, but figure it out now because you still have a long life ahead of you to have a very peaceful and happy life. And this could be a turning point in your life. And you can look back at a life that used to be full of turmoil, but you've really turned a corner. And you have control over this.
You can do it, but you have to hold yourself accountable and just face the reality of the situation and stop running from it.
Yeah, I do. I definitely plan to be alone for a while. I just need to establish some peace and some self-respect and work on things that I already do have rather than putting things that I do have to the wayside to try and get new things.
Yeah. And you're in therapy now, you mentioned?
Yeah, I am.
And what conversations are you having with your therapist now?
We definitely do talk a lot about my ex-boyfriend because when I started meeting with her, things were still evolving with him. But it's been very insightful because it's a lot of what can you do about the situation now versus, you know, let's harp on what happened in the past. It's
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Chapter 8: How do I handle my husband's reaction to my snooping?
So you just have to accept who he is. This is a man who has proven time and time again that despite his pleads and his apologies and his promises, that he never actually changes. And so you just have to accept that and just give up on that idea because you have no reason to keep hoping. And the only reason he keeps trying is because you keep forgiving him.
And once you can just let that go and just be grateful that you do, despite all his flaws, he still gave you the best miracle you've ever had happen in your life. And just simply be grateful, not for him, but for your daughter. And know that, yeah, like being a single mom has its challenges.
Certainly even in dating, it has its challenges, but there are a lot of single moms out there that do find love again and find great companionship, but you have to get to a place where you treat yourself better and you have to expect more from yourself and have higher expectations and standards for yourself because that's the only way you're going to attract the type of man that you're looking for is to hold yourself to that standard, to stop
accepting this type of behavior from these types of men i needed to hear that because it's 12 years you know we 12 years of forgiving and always giving in and it was time yeah and it's it's time for me to officially close that chapter that idea
Yeah, so I would just, this is a, I think it's a real blessing that you found this out. And I think you really need to say goodbye to him and accept that he is who he is. And I don't want that in my life. And my only focus with him right now is having a healthy co-parenting dynamic. But I don't want this type of energy.
And you need to look forward and you need to start, you know, my guess is probably you should probably be alone for a bit and start asking, you know, again, I don't know if you, are you in any type of therapy or anything like that?
Yes. Yes.
I would, yeah. Explore, you know, some of the choices you've made, you know, I would understand why you have a, you try to figure out why you have had a hard time letting go or, or just seeing him for who he is, but you do have a lot going for you.
And I just want you to start focusing on what you, because a lot of it is it's like, you've, you've been in this mindset of almost kind of, you know, you are a victim of a situation. Don't get me wrong. It's a city situation, but But you kind of led with that, right? And so now it's like, I have this bit.
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