Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Our first caller is freshly divorced and struggling to get over a recent fling. Our second caller’s boyfriend only wants her during his football off season. And, our third caller can't stop dating men who see her as their therapist. “There is a theme here, and the theme is you” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [email protected] to be a part of our Monday episodes. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [email protected] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on the show, contact [email protected] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Huggies - To learn more, visit https://www.huggies.com Helix Sleep - Get 25% off Sitewide + 2 FREE Dream Pillows with any mattress purchase when you visit https://www.helixsleep.com/viall Wildgrain - For a limited time, Wildgrain is offering our listeners $30 off the first box - PLUS free Croissants in every box - when you go to https://www.wildgrain.com/VIALL to start your subscription. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell
Chapter 1: How can I emotionally protect myself after a breakup?
How's it going? Hi, I'm Greg. I'm 38, and I'm thinking about reaching out to a girl I used to date, but I need to emotionally protect myself in case I'm rejected again.
Okay. When you say rejected again, did she end the fling?
She ended it after two amazing dates. Yeah. Why did she end it? you know she gave me the whole it's not you it's me thing um you know she's not ready for a relationship and yada yada yada okay and why are you thinking about reaching back out um because to me it's it just seems like unfinished business to me and we really hit it off and um
You know, a lot was said during the dates, after the dates that made it seem like she wanted to, you know, pursue something. And then I heard nothing for a couple of days and then I got the message. So I'm wondering whether or not I should do it, how I should word it if I end up reaching back out. That's why I'm here.
What did you say in response to her when she sent you that it's not you, it's me message?
So I had a little bit of a moment of weakness there. I did kind of ask to talk to her about it, kind of like hash it out, which I realize is not the right thing to do now. And then she sent me back something like saying, like, why would I do that kind of thing? And then I just kind of wished her well and went on my way. Why would she do what?
Like, why would she talk to me about something she's already decided type of thing? Gotcha. Okay.
Well, based on what you're telling me, I definitely don't think you should reach out. Okay. All right. Just for fun, just because we're here to have fun. Just convince me why I'm wrong. Okay. Well...
So we had two great, great dates. We were kind of moving really, really fast. We kind of like skipped, you know, 10 steps in the relationship. We were love love bombing each other. And it's really tough when because I didn't know the term love bombing before.
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Chapter 2: Is reaching out to an ex worth the risk?
Like I want to know what's going on type of thing. And then she sends me the text saying like, you know, it's not you, it's me and blah, blah, blah. So that's where things ended.
Okay. Who knows, right? I mean, what I know for sure is that after the first two dates, she felt a little uncomfortable in the speed in which you guys were moving, right?
correct why how i don't know right and and so we don't we know that right so is it possible that this message that she sent you in the middle of the night was really just about how to reset expectations with you and then move forward it's possible it's also possible that like in the back of her mind she you know was already kind of questioning how she felt and maybe psyched herself out i don't know
it doesn't really like too much yeah who knows it doesn't really matter one advice i want to give to you as you enter in the dating world is uh stop giving you know is it nice to have a nice date sure of course uh it's even better to have two dates in a row that are nice but that's all they are is there two really great dates that really don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things
you know what i'm saying like is she your person is she not your person i don't know so many did so many very you know right you could just be two people maybe maybe the reason why you both had fun is that for different reasons you were both anxious and excited about having a connection at all right here you are fresh off the divorce anxious for and desire to connection we are we understand that right maybe she has got something going on in her life for for for different reasons she had the same desire to have this connection
And in this date, the environment was set up for two people to connect in a way that they were just both excited about. Does that mean you guys are in love? Does that mean you guys are each other's person? Does it mean you're compatible? We don't even know. Unclear is the point, right? And so it's very easy for someone in your shoes to be like, oh, man, we just had sex.
we had two good dates, man. I'm just, you're just, you get fixated on the fact that you had two great dates and you start glorifying your head about like, they're just two nice dates. Right.
And I'm not trying to discourage you from this, but it's just more like you gotta be, when you have a nice day, it's, it's fun to get excited, but it's also like, you just gotta have to pump the brakes, you know, just, you need to pump the brakes, you know? And if I were to give you a small note and I don't think this really changed the outcome, um,
But when she messaged you all these, like this long message, right. And that was like how she is feeling about the speeding your relationship. And the only thing you responded back was I'm down for all of this.
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Chapter 3: What is love bombing and how to recognize it?
I think it's just an acknowledgement just to like lower the expectations, more like a reasonable expectations type of thing.
Well, the reasonable expectation comes from reminding yourself that you don't know this person at all. And you're both incentivized to be your best self on this date. So when you do meet someone on a date, or even if it's a fifth date, it's just like every time you go on a date with someone and you learn more, you can say, wow, this has been a really good date.
Man, I had a lot of fun today and I'd like to go on another date with you. And then when you get back from that date, you remind yourself, hey, I'm excited that I'm excited. But let's just remind my, I just need to remind myself that even though this could not have gone better, I feel like I learned a lot about her.
There's a lot of things I'm super excited about, but I need, I need to slow down and I need to remind myself on day two, I still have a lot more things to learn about this girl and I need to take it slow. I need to, I just to slow myself down. Right. And so then you come back a little more curious.
And again, like part of that's going to make you more attractive because like, as soon as we start being really excited, especially early on, um, We run the risk of, you know, scaring the other person off, not looking like, and that's, and that's what I think happened. Maybe. Yeah. I mean, you definitely could have hurt.
Maybe for all, you know, a friend got in her head being like this fucking guy just got out of divorce. He's not ready for another relationship. He's just like, you're just a rebound to her, him, blah, blah, blah. And that's where my mind has gone as well. Sure. But the truth is, there might be some truth there, you know what I'm saying? It doesn't even matter, because who knows what happened?
The point is, if a friend was able to convince her about how she felt about you, then she's not ready to be in a relationship with you. You know, um, the, you know, the, what happened, you, you know, I said this in my book, what happened is way more important than trying to figure out why it happened. Yep. You know, um, and what happened was, you know, you had two dates and she flaked on you.
Uh, and the why doesn't really matter. Because she could have handled it better. And how she handled this moment is very telling of how she'd handle herself in a relationship. I'm a big believer, obviously, that conflict reveals more about ourselves than being in a good situation. So we learned more about her through the conflict of her not sure of how she should handle being unsure about you.
Then we learned about how she was when you guys were vibing on these dates. I mean, maybe she's just being agreeable. As men, we also have to recognize that, you know, sometimes women just agree with us on dates because, well, quite honestly, I don't know if I should disagree with this strange man. You know, I'm being extreme here, but, like, that is something women think about.
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Chapter 4: How should I handle anxiety in new relationships?
It's like, I want it to become old hat for you. I want it to be incorporated in your life. I don't want it to become like a diet. I want it to become a new habit you have. Wow. A lifestyle, right? And I think right now you're in this transitional period. You're very motivated by getting through this divorce. But what happens when the motivation ends?
What happens when you settle into your new normal? And when we settle into our new normal, we get comfortable, we resort back to our comfort ways. And our comfort ways usually, you know, sometimes if we don't have any guardrails, we'll snowball into like not being our best self, you know?
Right, right. Okay. Well, that's very helpful. It's a different way of thinking about it. Thank you, Nick.
Anytime, man. Yeah, it's always nice to talk to the men dealing with some of the very similar struggles as the ladies out there. Can I offer you an unsolicited grooming tip?
Sure. As a fellow bearded man. This is my first beard.
Good. I love it. Love the beard. Give me all you got. Trim the beard. Trim the beard. Trim it. It looks a little unkept a little bit. Yeah. Okay.
All right. I straighten it in the mornings and, I don't know, maybe by the afternoon it gets a little...
it's giving a little like uh letting yourself go i trim trim the sides trim the sides go know what you need to do go to a go to like a barber shop yeah and ask them to like clean up your beard and let them do their thing okay that's what you should do okay yeah find a like a it's like right now i'm just like it's my first beard so i'm trying to go for length
You know what I mean? Just like see what it looks like, like, you know, longer, but I don't know.
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Chapter 5: What should I do when my ex wants to reconnect?
I was 800 meters, 400 meters cross country.
I was a mid distance.
That was the hardest one of them all for sure. Yeah.
One hundred percent. All right. But I guess my point is, is that this isn't like, you know, I was kind of half expecting you to be like, yeah, am I dating this fuck fuck boy football player? We've been dating for like six months and then he went and played and now he's back. And should I give him some time? And that's not what this is. This is. I've been dating this guy since college.
We have a long history. We probably, I'm guessing you guys have talked about like, you know, spending the rest of your life with each other. You've played house. I'm sure at times you've probably done it all right. And then, you know, you have a long history of these, all these scenarios and these stories that I'm sure you could share more stories that he let you down.
I bet he has stories of things you did to frustrate him and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Um, so I guess back to, now that I have some context about your relationship, what are you really hoping to get out of this call? Like, are you considering getting back together with this guy? Are you sure that he wants to get back together with you?
Are you not even sure if you know that for sure? Like, where are you at in terms of this relationship?
So that is where it's difficult because I feel like, you know, he lives the life of like, it's inevitable to kind of live the life of the football player. Like they would, you know, have to go out to eat and show up at bars and be there like, and he's far away, you know, in a different state.
So it's always going to be difficult, but I can genuinely say I've never had like a thought of him cheating or disrespecting me or playing me. It really was a matter of him just kind of choosing to play football or like being able to show up for me. And then him kind of,
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Chapter 6: How to identify and manage relationship expectations?
And it's meaningful to me if they believe deep down this could change their life forever. You know, right. The point is, is you guys. Yeah. As a couple, neither of you were interested in sitting down and saying, well, can I hear why this is important to you? You guys are so quick to tell your version of the story. You want to be heard and he wants to be heard.
And neither of you are willing to listen. That's the read I get after talking to you. Is anything I'm saying sound accurate?
Yeah, I mean, that's definitely accurate. And especially because like I, at this point I've been in therapy for like a year now, which has really helped. So I've been really like kind of like
very, uh, it brought to light a lot of the issues that I brought to the table too, because I, I know that like, I was waiting for him to do something to mess up the relationship, but I was really over it after the fact that he didn't show up for my, it wasn't even the fact that he didn't show up for my uncle's funeral. That really was awful. But then he did leave again for football.
And then my grandma passed away. And then that kind of just made me realize like, this is a bit much, like you couldn't have shown when he was here. And he didn't show up when he wasn't there. And then he actually had his mom and his sister come visit me during the week of that happening.
And that was honestly awful for me because I just wanted to be with either alone or by my close friends or family. Or even for him to come home the next weekend or the weekend after that if he was free. If he couldn't even come to the funeral. But that just never... Ended up happening. And it just kind of like built up more resentment towards him.
And instead of leaving him, I like that resentment just kind of built. And there was basically like a boiling point to this where it was kind of like he came home the season afterward. And we went out. It was this really nice night downtown that we went out to. And I got too drunk and didn't even remember totally bitching him out that night and causing a scene. He even recorded me.
He showed me it the next day, which is not great at all. And I saw that. And I immediately signed up for therapy. I was like, I don't even know that person who has all that inside of them. And it's so mad. But it's been there. And I just haven't dealt with it. And I knew I was taking out on him. I didn't want to do that anymore. And he even said, like, it would be great if you would do therapy.
And I agreed. And that was the point where I did. And he took even like three days apart. He stated his friends and I was just like apologizing, like signed up for therapy, try to do everything I could. But then it just felt like it wasn't enough time because he left again for football and maybe like two and a half months.
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Chapter 7: How do I cope with feelings of unresolved relationships?
And you need to let go of the funerals. He needs to let go of the videotape, you know, and call it even Steven.
Yeah. And it's also hard too, because it's like he... has been trying even harder that he's like done football to talk to me again when that's something that was hard, like during the breakup, like it was such a sharp contrast of like here by myself, like having to ask my parents to come help me move and didn't want to do all that.
And he already had his room paid for him, had his friends, had his whatever. So I feel like it almost maybe didn't even hit him until later where it did like hit me right away. So I am kind of worried, I guess, because we did talk on the phone and that was good. Talked on the phone one more time and it was good again. Then I was like, okay, do you want to come over? We'll see.
And he actually met my dog and I for a walk. And then, of course, we come back here and...
had like pizza and then sleep together because everything just felt like so natural and normal and it was great and awesome until like the next day when he like left and like seeing him leave was just hard because I'm like I don't know what I'm gonna do again it's not like a locked in relationship like it was like it just kind of felt weird and then he kind of
I guess like he kind of got maybe a little bit just like that weird feeling as well. And then we hung out another time, also had sex. And then the next morning, I was really thrown off because I was kind of like, like he was leaving for work. And I was like, oh, I guess I'll see you later, whatever I said. And he kind of got weird and was like, I don't really know.
Like I'm still really confused about everything. And I'm still trying to play football. And even in New Mexico, if I have to like leave to Mexico and play football, like I will, like I just, I need to play football still. And I don't know what that leaves with us. And I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to feel guilty for getting you wrapped in this again. And I just felt like that.
I just get like totally wrapped in this again, because it's just the convenience of his off season. And I told him like, I've done a lot of time to think about this and work through this. And he said to me, he's like, I'm being honest. Like, You telling me how much you've been working on it is making me realize that I actually haven't thought about it at all. And I was like, what?
I feel like this whole time I've been thinking about it nonstop, trying to work on myself, get myself through it. And that was frustrating. On top of then, he said... Because I was like, yeah, I've been working on it. I want to do better. And I don't want to hold each other to the things in the past. I want to forgive you and move forward. And he said...
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Chapter 8: What are the signs that indicate emotional maturity in relationships?
Okay. All right. Well, hopefully this was helpful.
Yeah. Yeah. I guess I'll just unblock him and try to say, I'm sorry for blocking him. And maybe, you know, I have my dog taken care of and we can maybe talk. after this week when like it's both of our birthdays this week, which kind of sucks. And you're like, after this week, maybe you can have a very, it doesn't suck.
Again, you stop. It's, it doesn't suck. Right. It's just, you're so used to just making problems out of nothing. Yeah. You could be like, listen, I hope you have a really great birthday. I'm thinking of you. I care about you. Just be fucking nice. All you have to think about is saying nice fucking shit to him. I hope you have a happy birthday. I'll be thinking about you on your birthday.
I want to figure out if we can be in each other's lives. If any part of you sees a future in me, I would love to have a conversation when I get back about what that looks like. If not, I totally get it. Then maybe we should move on. But you have to use less aggressive language. It has to be inviting. It's got to be us and we. You know what I'm saying? Stop trying to fight. Stop trying to win.
but I will text my ex happy birthday.
There you go. You can text him. He's very much still in your life. Uh, but yes, you can text him happy birthday. Well, keep us posted. I'm invested. I would love to, I'd love to get an update. Uh, I'd love get them on the phone. I'd love to talk to both of you. I bet I would learn a lot about both of you. And maybe that's step one.
You might not get a word in between us.
I'm sure I'd find a way, but yeah, seriously, I would, I would love to have you guys call in together because I could probably figure out one way or the other. Cause you, you really too, you guys got to get on the same page. You're way too competitive, but there's a lot, there's a lot of love there. So, you know?
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he might be willing to, I'll say.
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