Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Our first caller is wondering if her ex is a narcissist that ghosted her or if she ghosted him. Our second caller is debating rekindling her situationship. And, our third caller is wondering how to get closure from an ex who dropped her. “You are the villain in many people’s stories" Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [email protected] to be a part of our Monday episodes. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [email protected] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on this podcast please email: [email protected] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: ASPCA - To explore coverage, visit https://aspcapetinsurance.com/viall Vessi - Pack smarter and travel better with Vessi. Visit https://vessi.com/viall now for 15% off your first pair at checkout and start exploring with confidence. SKIMS - Shop SKIMS best intimates including the Fits Everybody Collection and more at https://skims.com and SKIMS stores. Shopify - Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/viall Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (00:13) - Caller One (46:47) - Caller Two (01:21:56) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell
Chapter 1: Is my ex a narcissist?
Hello, my name is Francesca. I'm 28 years old, and I'm wondering if my ex is narcissistic and ghosted me, or if I'm actually the bitch who ghosted him.
Okay. Well, with these types of questions, my first question is always, why do you care about your ex?
Well, the reason I care is because we had just started rekindling a relationship that was about a year in the making.
You were rekindling for a whole year?
No, we were rekindling for like a couple of months. We had broken up in October. Actually, he had broken up with me. First time anyone's broken up with me. So it shell shocked me and added a lot of stress and overthinking into what was going on in the relationship. But the reason I care about what's going on with my ex is because we just didn't finish the relationship.
We just never spoke again after having a certain phone call. And it's just not in my character to be a ghoster or to end things on a bad note. Like I have pretty high emotional intelligence, I would say.
What was this phone call about?
So on the day after Valentine's Day, I felt like he was being a little short with me, which has been an ongoing issue in the relationship when he's frustrated by something or doesn't like something. He doesn't just come to me and bring it up in a healthy way and we talk it out and then it's all good.
He kind of punishes me for it and I have to realize that I'm being kind of ignored or he's being shorter with me, less affectionate. I have to ask and then it comes up. So that's always been a frustration.
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Chapter 2: How do I handle a rekindled situationship?
On a trip, not necessarily, but doing something that would be considered going out, like going to a show or going on a trip.
But these are like concerts or just social events.
I'm not going to a club for fun every weekend. Absolutely not. And I wouldn't accept that from my partner either.
Yeah, that seems totally normal for the average.
I appreciate that reaction.
So like every guy you've ever dated had a problem with this?
my last two long-term relationships that has become a problem.
So what do you think it is? Like, do you think it's bad luck in terms of the men that you dated? Or do you think despite the way you described your social life to me, there, there's something not, there's something missing that is if like, if I got them on the, on the zoom and like, you just like, turned off your phone and I was just like, no, what was it that pissed you off about her?
Would they give me the same answer?
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Chapter 3: What should I do if my partner is emotionally unavailable?
Did you date a narcissist too? Like, were you a victim of your ex? Like we, you know, there's a lot of bad behaviors and a lot of it is through us, you know? And like, we are, we are not becoming a society that's more emotion. Like, yeah, we're more, we're taking care of our mental health better. You know, we are more aware about that, but a lot of people like, We've just become big babies.
We've become emotionally non-resilient and entitled people who feel like our feelings are just about us. And if we feel something, then everyone else needs to stop and recognize those feelings. And everyone's doing that. So then you walk into a room and everyone's doing that to you. Everyone's a fucking narcissist because you're like, I'm feeling sad and no one cares. What is going on?
Yeah, no, it's so fair.
And everyone else is like, well, I'm feeling angry and no one cares. And another person's like, well, I'm anxious and no one cares. I must be only hanging out with narcissists because only narcissists could see my anxiousness and not give a fuck.
No, I don't blame you for thinking about it like that. We can devalue the narcissist piece because you're right. I mean, that would be like a whole rabbit hole to go down on whether he is or isn't. And
So to me, like this call is less about like what your ex was. What he is, is not in a relationship with you anymore. I think reflecting on just like, what are the subtleties when you're in relationships, both like your picker, the men you're dating and just like, as you get old, you're 28.
I didn't know where it was going to go when you were going to describe your social life, but I was ready to say you need to grow up. I don't know if I'm in a position to say that because your social life sounds more than reasonable and a lot of fun. I think the fact that you have this friend group is beautiful and you should hold on to that as much as you can.
That being said, friends from earlier life can prevent you from wanting to grow up. And if you really want a partner to have a family with, you're going to have to make sacrifices. We have the perfect kid. She's so fucking easy. We're really lucky. And she's a lot of fucking work.
And it's just like every day now, we've had a lot going on lately, but it's like we wake up and we blink and we're late for her bath at night. And we are so lucky because we can have help. A lot of people don't have the help that we have available to us. And I'm just saying, you need a partner and you don't get to just go on monthly girl trips or quarterly girl trips.
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Chapter 4: How can I set boundaries in a relationship?
Yeah.
I could say that to literally anyone. you know, and if people don't know that, you know, and the list and great news, because for anyone who I say, people don't like you, then I would say you're a fake person. You can't be a real, you know, if everyone likes you, then you are an inauthentic person. Who's just a chameleon to like, please people. And you,
You don't have real opinions.
But people, but, but again, you can't be, you can't be someone who keeps it real and all that likable. You know, the more you keep it real, the more critics you're going to have. So like, you know, and so I think you walk around and I can say this to you because I feel like I have done this in life and I do this in life.
You walk around as if like you're right about everything and everyone thinks you're awesome for it. Yeah.
That's the delusion.
You might be right, but the more right you are, the more you will piss people off.
Yeah. No, that's the lesson I'm starting to learn. And I think I've taken a much more people-pleasing route just from my childhood and the way my sibling was. Yeah. The room that was left for me to be in was to be accommodating, easygoing, don't make a fuss, don't make things harder on anybody. So I definitely have an easygoing side to me that has led into me wanting to be very people-pleasing.
And as I've grown up, I'm like, I simply can't. I can't. Not everyone's going to like me, especially as I develop strong opinions about things in life. I'm going to see that a lot of people don't like that.
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Chapter 5: What are red flags in a relationship?
No, that's fine.
You know, but if he's just like, you know, honestly, your jewelry makes you look like a blah, blah, blah, you know, and it's mean and it cuts and it hurts. And it's just like, I'm just saying, this is who they are. You cannot expect much growth from these men, you know?
Yeah.
The only hope of dating someone younger and not at risk is they're not, you know, for the ladies out there who are dating men in their 20s, he might change. He ain't changing for you. And it's not going to be for at least five to 10 years. So don't be waiting for any change. But you know what I'm saying? But for you, I wouldn't be accepting a lot of bad behavior with middle-aged men.
I think that's a good takeaway is that you're right. They're not going to change much, no matter how much they care about me or love the idea of being with me. They're not going to change. That's been proven true to me time and time again. And Maybe I need to have a lot more sensitivity. Lifestyle could change.
You definitely could find a guy who is just like, you go to his apartment and he's got fucking baseball caps and movie posters on his wall. And you're like, how old are you? He just might need a good woman in his life. But how he treats people, how he treats his girlfriend, how emotional reactive he is. Yeah, that's not going to change. That's not changing.
Yeah, that's I need to be a lot more sensitive to red flags up front because we we had some early squabbles that he reacted very intensely to. And I felt like that was super over the top and it gave me a bad feeling inside. But again, I'm like, it's hard for me to find men that I feel like I'm very physically and physically. lifestyle wise compatible with.
And when I have that, I make a lot of exceptions for red flags that come up because I'm like, wow, it's so hard for me to like a guy in the first place that when I do, I'm just going to make a lot more exceptions than I should, because I'm scared.
I'm not going to find someone I like as much, which is only dating a six foot attractive, which I don't.
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Chapter 6: How do I manage emotional energy in dating?
Chapter 7: Should I reach out to an ex for closure?
I don't mean to sound insensitive, but my fear is that, and he's now like even more alone and like in a terrible place. And all he was trying to do was just open up about things that bothered him. And then I never spoke to him again. Whereas from my perspective, I was really looking for some change that if something bothers you, we handle it in a more healthy, constructive way.
And when I felt that that wasn't happening and he was getting mad about the Valentine's day gift I got.
Listen, if you think there's something here with this guy and you reflect on this conversation and you think, listen, there's definitely... No, there isn't. I demonstrated some red flags. He did too. And I want to clear the air. Maybe there's something there. But if this is about closure in your reputation or your... My ego. Let it go. Just move on.
Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's what I was looking for because something about the thought of him feeling like, wow, she ruined me. She like left me high and dry. I was trying to open up about something and she made my bad situation so much worse. Like that makes me feel like scared. Like I want to reach out and clear the air over that, but I don't think this is my person.
He said things to me that my husband would never say to me.
and critiqued me about things that i'm so surprised would even come to his mind yeah then you need to you definitely need to move on because yeah i need to just drop it like this is about your ego and it's just like you want to claim victory or the moral high ground in this relationship not necessarily consciously but you realize that you said some shit too and you're not perfect so you want to like kind of clean that mess up so that you can be right
Yeah, I guess that's part of it is right now I'm feeling like really wrong and like he's perceiving me as somebody that's hurtful and damaging and I like can't stand that.
I can't stand it. Yeah, that's a you problem for sure.
Yeah, I need to get over that. Well, I appreciate that perspective because I could have done things wrong and it's still okay.
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