Brian Redban
Appearances
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
William, we love you. What else is going on? Did you eat anything good this week? You're a little healthy boy. You have a good appetite.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
He is something else. Selden Montgomery, truly one of the funniest human beings just rolling around here, not doing stand-up comedy. Surprises me. He's like a super talent that blatantly could do it.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
William, before I let you go, anything you're passionate about this week? I am passionate about getting my motherfucking opal camouflage on my assault rifle. There you go.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, and it has begun. But now we get to the bread and butter of the show. The true beating heart of Kill Tony. The bucket. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? I mean, my God. A sausage fest like this. There's guys up here that have two ball sacks. You got Heidi, the lovely Heidi. Balancing the scales.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
All right, our first bucket bowl tonight goes by the name of Erica Kuharski. We're gonna meet her all together right now. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Erica Kuharski.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It had nothing to do with what you were talking about over there.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Somebody filled it up too much. It's a can. It's a can, Ari. Oh, my goodness.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Jesus fucking Christ, Erica. Oh, don't clap for that, people. That's not a thing.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? Welcome, you're at the number one live podcast in the world. How the fuck we feeling tonight, huh? Brian Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa. Esteban Viejo. Juan Cortez. Michael Gonzalez.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Where have you done these ten years of hard work in stand-up comedy at?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Coming from Colorado, he is a big Peyton Manning fan. So you could have said anything about Peyton Manning there, and he would have found it interesting. Oh, yeah. Perfect. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yes. Oh, my goodness. She's saying keywords from football. I'm close.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Unbelievable. She's an improv genius, Tony. It is unbelievable. There's a lot of brain behind that forehead. Okay, okay. which is interesting. You mentioned the forehead a couple times during the set, but meanwhile, it is the sixth ugliest thing about you. I've got the notes here. I didn't find it to be the standout, terrible feature about you.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Greasy hair. Thank you. It's unbelievably unwashed. I know. It's unkept, especially for a big show like this. It's like you have helmet head. Right?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Looks like you haven't washed it since your improv days. Erica, where do you live?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
So there's a lot of basements going on. That must be what adds that dewy moisture to the hair that I'm noticing. Right on.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
There's a lot of moisture. Unnecessary moisture. Erica, what exactly do you do for a living?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Okay, now we're getting there. There we go. And we're back. Open with that next time. Fuck Peyton Manning. Seven years of comedy, really.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Hold on. So you guys take videos of your feet, and he edits them. Is that right?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
What's the edit for feet? Yeah, what's going on there? Is he putting in, like, special effects or something? Is there, like, little Ewoks fighting in between your toes or something? A little cotton?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Is this a real thing or are you kidding? I can't tell what's going on anymore. I dated a girl that did this.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Okay, there you go. So you look on Twitter. That's a video. You ever breastfeed with your feet?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Is this your sock removal? This is Reckon Becca? Yep, that's me.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, it is. It's just, there's like angry ants in the background.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You better keep those money makers protected. Those socks. Double socket, lady, because the comedy, it ain't going to happen. Can you put your fist in your mouth? No. Very good. Red Band, put the mic down. Very good. Great stuff. Great stuff, Red Band. Comedy from Red Band, everybody. All right.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Thank you so much. Where'd you get married at? In Las Vegas. Yep. And then so you guys just have been Airbnb-ing since then?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, terrible. I'm gonna let you out of here. I'm gonna show you some mercy.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Matt Muehling on the electric, John Dees on the keys, and Dee Madness on the bass guitar. The whole family is here, everyone. Very, very excited about tonight's episode. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, really? Yeah. Here's a little joke book. There she goes, everybody. Erica Kuharski, everyone.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Okay. Well, let's get that started. Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Okay. Very good. All right. I got it. This person is in a wheelchair is what you're telling me. They need a minute because they're in a wheelchair. Okay, got it. Ladies and gentlemen, the next person will need a minute because they're in a wheelchair. Isn't that the greatest intro you've ever heard?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Ladies, who loves handicapped people, huh? You know, it could be the next superstar on this show. We love handicapped people. Make some noise for Layman Merle. Layman Merle Hubis. Layman Merle Hubis, everybody. It doesn't seem like he's in a wheelchair. It's a miracle. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Layman Merle Hubis, I do believe.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Were you doing some kind of special celebrating or something like that that made the stroke happen? Were you drinking? Were you eating cake? What happened?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah. So there you were, celebrating with friends and family. What did it feel like? What does it feel like when a stroke is happening? Does it feel like anything or is it parts just starting?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Laughter is the best medicine. Absolutely it is. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
A little wild roller derby going on over there. Were you a smoker?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You're still smoking? Oh, yeah. Respect. I'm not quitting. Hell no. Right. Hell yeah, you already survived the worst part that could happen.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Okay. And this ex-wife of yours that you keep mentioning, how long were you with her for? 20 years. What do you hate about her?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Who's ready to start this fucking show, huh? Well, well, well. We're all here. And, you know, this is just one of those episodes that it's just nothing can stop its momentum. Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show. Two of the funniest humans. Two of our true brothers. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the best guests in the history of the show.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
How does a 72-year-old mentally retarded guy own a three-story house?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Can you imagine that? Just a rich retarded guy. Yeah. I mean, how much fun would that be?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yes, I'm super retarded. A well-known thing about me. I'm an old retarded man now. This is 13 years we've run out of jokes to make, everyone. I don't know what the bean is, everybody. So I am retarded.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Well, it's awesome. So let's go back to Lehman Merle Huber here.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Lehman, were you still married when you were living in the RV with the retarded rich guy?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Did the retarded rich guy have, like, cool retarded things in his house?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Two of the funniest comedians in the world. This is Sam Talent and Ari Shafir.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I'm like, yeah, it was them for sure. Biker. All white people involved.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
And you know what? That's why you're leaving with some Zippix and nicotine toothpaste. All right. And a big joke book. I know that you're going to catch this. Do you believe in miracles? Yeah! Yee-hoo! All right, carry this fucking guy out of here. We got to keep this show moving. How about one more time for Layman Merle Huber, everybody? Oh, everybody's leaving all of a sudden. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Not wrong. Jesus Christ. What a bunch of geniuses. Let's all go pay the same tax.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You're witnessing a live male rape, everybody, by one of the most homophobic security guards at the club. I know for a fact he'd rather eat a homeless woman's pussy than lick a dude's butthole once. What would you do? I would lick the dude's butthole once. Really? Oh, yeah. There's a specific homeless woman that we're talking about that hangs around this. You have to see it.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You would pick the dude's butt. Trust me, one swipe of the tongue. Look, Red Band's with you, dude. Red Band's with you. He would eat the pussy. I've been there. It's all right. You've licked a dude's ass before? No, I massage girls, you know. All right, very good. Way to recover. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool was on the inside. We know this guy.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the best magicians in the world has signed up for the show. This is Wes Barker, ladies and gentlemen. A real, like, famous, legit magician. Wes Barker. He's on the inside. Here he comes. He could be anywhere. It's one of you representing the audience here tonight. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Mothership? How exciting.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Sam Tallent, live in the flesh. Ari Shaffir, fully clothed tonight. You gotta love it.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Wes Barker, a real professional magician. We know him. You hang out a lot. You're part of this part of the you hang out in Austin, right? And he entertains the fuck out of us sometimes on after the show a lot.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I love that you thought you had to tell us that you were Canadian. It's amazing.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I love it. I love it. We've been through a lot together. We have seen a lot of each other. And it is good to have you back.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You're going down Jay Leno's path so fast you might have an eye patch and a bruised skull in a week. This is incredible. Three different types of denim. Yeah. Jesus Christ, bro. Canadian tuxedo, baby. It is something else. It is something else. So Wes, how's everything been going?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You guys want to see a real fucking magic trick? So I'll give you the inside scoop. Sometimes, what do you need? I need someone with a purse, but I'll find that in a second. You keep talking. Somebody give him a fucking purse. We love magic. We need a huge purse. We love magic here. Nice. Oh, he's going through the purse.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Going through it. Okay. There's no denim in there. Anyway, we get trashed and we have him and any other magician that's around do magic tricks while we drink fucking whiskey. And it's a lot of fun.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I always say that at the end of the day, up in heaven, when all the entertainers are together, if that's really how heaven works, it's everyone just watching magicians. That's how I picture it.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I actually stunningly don't. No, last night was the Christmas party here. Whoa, look at new money over here. What's it like being a rich retard? Jesus fucking Christ, this fucking guy over here. Hey. Whoa, good luck getting that hundred back. Yeah. That's illegal. Ari Shabir signs it. Mine now. Okay. No, he ruined it.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Little beautiful little buttermilk biscuits right there. Absolutely fantastic. Front row. Right in the front.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
The uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas, December 30th and 31st. You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
of magnifying glass. What the hell? Whoa. Some mini tongs. Oh. Where do you live? Wow, the security here. The security here is so busy butt-fucking handicapped men. That they're letting people with knives into the venue. That is Zach, famous. If you're wondering what his name is, it's Zach, the security guy. Butt-fucking handicapped men instead of doing his job. I'm not even sure what that is.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
What did I miss here? Oh, that is... It's a Hitachi. Wow. Red Band, our senior dildo analyst, knows exactly what it is.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That is a real lemon, it is dripping. Oh my god, there's no way.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Now, wait, now put it on the vibrator. Now open it up, display it like a magician would. Here we go. You like that, don't you, Ari? Yeah. Wow, this is incredible. It's Ari's name. Wow. Unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Whoa! Wait, who put this cum in my pants? All right, we're having fun. Oh, and a fart noise on top of it all from Red Band. Oh, you made T-Madness reappear, too. Absolutely incredible. He's wondering why the underside of his hat smells like lemon right now. He followed the sound.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, her laces are untied too, Ari. You might have to go tie her shoes. They're right there, huh? They're going to be there all night long. I could throw a little joke book right in there right now. No doubt about it. I could probably throw a big joke book in there. Oh, she's fixing it. She's no fun. She must be visiting from LA or something.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
amazing Wes there's been a lot of rumors of Canada becoming the 51st state of the United States of America have you thought about this dude I've had so much I always every three years I have to get a new visa to work down here it's 0-1 visa it's expensive it's a pain in the ass so like
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
We could be in America. All you have to do is never wear that outfit again. What?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You don't like this? It's unbelievable. You're fucking wrong, man. Okay. If I'm wrong, then I don't want to be right. Fantastic, fantastic stuff. Amazing magic. That was incredible. Make some noise for the great Wes Barker, everybody. Thank you. We're having fun here tonight. This guy's been on this show before. He had an unbelievable set, so much so that we had him back in an arena here.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
This is his first time in a long time. This is a brand new minute from a solid comedian. I hope it goes great tonight. This is J.P. Hinsdale, everybody. The long awaited return of J.P. Hinsdale.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Okay, JP Hinsdale, strong eye contact. Leering at you. Hello, JP. How are you? How's it going, buddy? Fantastic. Unbelievable. You look great.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Okay, so what's the analysis? I've been wondering for 40 years what that would be like. Tell us.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I mean, I'm looking at the shape of everything that you have going on. I know, it's not... Is it just... Is there... Do you see... Hey, they obviously see something I can't, like, physically.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah. And no matter who's blowing you, it's just a mystery.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It's in this general region. I don't think so. I think it's underneath that. All of it? It's...
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I'm literally curious where it is. What's that bulge down there? I don't know. Well, when you go like that, it disappears. You see that next to his left thigh? It's curdles.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Okay, very good question, John Dees. Yeah. Let's go back to you fucking anything that moves. Oh, yeah. Let's kind of stick on this subject here. So what exactly, like, what's actually going on here? I want to know what life is like for Jabba the Slut.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Okay, is that what you're worried about, getting someone pregnant?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
All right. You look like you have been indeed frying a lot of fish.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
What do you do for a living, JP? Remind us what you do for a living. Honestly, this. What do you do for, how do you make money to survive?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah. How much was left? How much was your actual inheritance?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That's right. 226 human souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket here tonight. You know what I'm going to do? Okay. Well, we'll see what happens here. Sure, we'll get that one going. We'll let fucking Big Tits Jenkins pick the second one. We pulled two at once. Oh, there they go, bouncing around. Oh, look at that. It's a woman to start. It's a woman to start.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
What's left at home? What's your go-to? You get, like, a loaf of bread and some noodles?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, our senior health correspondent, Brian Redban, everybody. Thai food. As in Pad Thai, straight noodles. Straight gluten. Late at night, and it's being analyzed as healthy.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
The guy who posted about eating a moldy Wendy's burger last week is telling us that Thai food is healthy. Breaking news. A man who's never touched broccoli in half a century. Oh, you're offended about my you've never touched broccoli line. Okay. JP, what's the most disgusting thing that you ever ate to where you're like, God damn, I'm disgusting.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Do you have siblings, JP? Is there like a 600-pound sister or something?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You would just eat it! We also have a gun here, everybody.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
412 is actually what my initial guess was going to be. Since we're going prices right.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
And now, ladies and gentlemen, here, live, in front of everyone, the scale is being activated by the great Ari Shafir. Yoni has brought an iPhone close to the stage. Ari at 196. And this is one of those moments we will never forget. As J.P. Hinsdale... Oh! The scale is making... Oh! Oh!
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
The scale is freaking out. My God. The scale just freaked out. Ladies and gentlemen, 437 pounds. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
JP, please. Just a couple of things it explains. I beg of you to wait at least a couple months before killing yourself. Don't do it the night that this episode comes out.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Just take note that everybody underbid, including Ari's extremely bold 420. It was flaring on every inhale and exhale. It was going up Between about 435 and 442.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
So we'll do that one first and the one that fell out second. Go wrangle them. What are the odds? Did you see the boyfriend? Don't worry, we'll do something you like next week. Yeah, yeah. Have fun sitting through three and a half hours of Wicked, you . Oh, you're fucked. Save space for Wicked.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Is there some type of physical activity that you think you could get into if someone helped you or something? If you had some kind of support? Is there something? Perhaps Michael Gonzalez works out every day at Onnit Gym. How would you like to have a little buddy, Michael? Would you want to take a buddy to Onnit with you?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
How does that sound? You want to take him working out? Yeah, let's fucking do it. There you go. You're working out with Michael Gonzalez. Here's the big joke book.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Whoa. Someone wants to fucking eat some Thai food with you. I think you were saying Thai people, by the way. It's a lot of stuff. He is into both ladies and boys. He's got charisma, this guy, though. A lot of charisma. Yeah. A lot of charisma. It's called Crisco. Crisco. We love you, JP. You're the man. You're very, very likable. Love you too, man. Thank you. J.P. Hinsdale, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
There he goes. All right. See you. On to the next one we go. We're going to go with somebody a lot more fit. One of the regulars of the show, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute phenom. Not easy to write and perform a brand new minute every single week in front of millions of people, but somehow this young buck does it week after week after week.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I present to you one of the true top young rising comedians in the world, the one and only, the great and powerful, this is Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Jesus Christ. Fuck yes, Cam Patterson. What's up, man? It was amazing. I didn't realize until you acknowledged it how many women offered up their purse to a white Canadian guy wearing nothing but denim. So fast. Every woman was like, I have a purse.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, you're so fucked, and you're going to have to do it with your dick halfway out, too, if it's truly even Stevens. That shaft is going to be blasting with popcorn butter all over. If she has to be here with her tits half out, you have to watch Wicked with your shaft out.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, shit. All of the same women put theirs under their chair when you came out. Was there
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Were you guys part of the exhibit, or were you just going there to check things out?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
No, it was white people. It's white people going, God, I'm glad I'm white.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Now, did they have the same stuff as, like, a normal building? Is it, like, fire sprinklers? Or did they just have big hoses and stuff? Like, what exactly is... Black History Museum jokes, ladies and gentlemen. A rare treat on this show. Nigga, that's hilarious. Thank you. That's funny as fuck. Thank you. Deep Madness is looking down. I can't get a read on it. Who put it again with these hats?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
No, what do you mean? That's a beautiful hat. That's a Gucci hat he's wearing.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
No, that was John D's. That was John D's. That was the other one.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It's true. It's true. All their hands smell the same. Yeah. A cocoa butter scented hand was the... Cocoa butter and black and brown.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
This party is out of control. It's like when the exhibits come alive at the museum. Yeah, that's what happened. So much talking about the Black History Museum, all of a sudden we got two black people bullying a black bass player. It's called progress.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Life is good. I love it. I love it. Okay, D-Madness, Jesus. Now he's talking about how good his memory is.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Exactly. And then maybe there'll be some women that walk by like, wow, look at that moneymaker. You know what I mean? Just like what happened here.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
He's got, like, all these blind catchphrases. God bless D-Madness. And God bless the United States of America. So Cam, the road's been good. D.C. was fun. Hell yeah. Black History Museum. There's a lot there.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Damn right. And it continues. The great and powerful Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Make some goddamn noise for Cam Patterson. All right, back to the bucket we go. This is another new name. Make some noise for Peter Grant, everybody. We're going to meet him all together now. Peter Grant.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
We're going to have some fucking fun tonight. And I'm warning you right now, it shall start with a goddamn bang of unconceivable proportions. As you guys know, as fans of the show, everybody does 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Now you believe in conspiracies and you don't believe in God?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Wow, okay. Sorry, I'm one of those fuckers. It's got a point. It's okay.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
snuggle up stay warm december 30th and 31st with the completely uncensored kill tony's live from the heb center in austin texas this is a new super annual amazing event it is our biggest two-night event of the year and we're super excited about it it is on sale now kill tony live.com get it for your loved ones get it for yourself love it or hate it live december 30th and 31st
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
So you're gonna move back up to Canada and then- To sell the house and then back down to Austin. Okay.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
She's a retarded chef. I can't imagine how delicious the Thai food must be. I know a 470 pound man that would love to be married to a retarded chef.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
And tonight we start with a regular who needs no introduction at all, yet I will still give him one. Some people call him the Victor of Van Nuys. Some people call him the Educator of Edinburgh. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. to start tonight's episode. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the hall of famer with more appearances than any comedian in history.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It has been a true freak show here today. What's the freakiest thing about you, Peter Grant? I love cigarettes. That's such an Australian answer.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I don't need to look at Brian. I've worked with him for over a decade. Why don't you describe using your artistic capabilities exactly what you mean?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Sure, sure. Okay, the most interesting thing about your entire life, Peter, because you seem kind of like you have construction guy vibes that just aren't really hilarious to me. You seem like a normal guy that's trying it out, kind of. Or maybe you're nervous or something.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You're going to be just fine. I know you can tell by my accent that you don't mind the didgeridoo. I just have a little Australian gas. As you can tell by my accent, I'm an alcoholic. Looks like you need some special needs that I cannot take. What did you say to him? I'm sorry, mate. It's not looking so good.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
What do you miss most about Canada? Not much. What do you hate the most about Canada?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You finally got the crowd on your side right at the wave. Right at the wave. You still have a chance. Final question. What do you hate most about America?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I think we need stronger, stronger fucking, what's the word? Borders. Yes, thank you, Red Band. Red Band helping me for a change. Look at this. It's happening here. Little joke book. There he goes.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
All right. Peter Grant. Peter Grant. He's a normal guy. All right, everybody. All right. We having fun out there still? All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're going to meet them all together. It's Lino Rodriguez. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Lino Rodriguez. He's been on this show before. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
The most interviews in Kill Tony history. This is the big red machine, William Montgomery.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
There you go. Jesus Christ, I thought it was never going to end. Lino Rodriguez, seems like you had a lot of fun up there. You got some laughs proving that this audience... isn't perfect, you know what I mean? Some people are just laughing at the space in which it seemed like there should have been laughter, but no real reason for laughter at all at almost any point throughout the entire thing.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Is that how it's been going? Ari Shaffir, what'd you think about that?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Get that fucking scale out here. Don't step on it yet. Don't step on it. Wait, wait. Don't step on it. All right. No, don't step on it. Lino, take fucking direction.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
All right. What do you really think you weigh, Lino? He started sweating all of a sudden, by the way, out of nowhere. Not during his sweat, not during his set. All right, if I'm being honest with you, I'm probably like... Lino, look over here, because you seem to be getting lost in the lights. You have an inordinate amount of confidence. I don't know where it comes from.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You know what will curb your appetite, Lino, is some Zippix nicotine toothpicks.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Well, there you go. Fill it up. Lino Rodriguez, everybody.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
We're going to fly through some bucket pools here as they get worse and worse. Ooh. The horn players love a fellow Rodriguez. Your next bucket full, 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Eric Galagos, everybody. Eric Galagos or Galagos, here he is.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That's how it's done. He had the same confidence as the last comedian that tricked a lot of you into laughing. But he had actual jokes on this one. Some smart, witty things. Hell yeah.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Okay. So, Eric, tell us about what it's like being a young comic here in Austin that's working and progressing. So you've been doing it for two years now.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Fuck yeah. Yeah. You should have a gauntlet on. Put your arm out. Let's see what happens. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Red Band has no comedic timing whatsoever.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Red Band. You would have to look to see if he would do that. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a bunch of trained birds. Deep madness approach to the sound effect board over here. Fuck yeah. The old no look Red Band. The bird landed before you put your arm out. That's how great of a falconer you are. It's incredible.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That's frightening. Very crazy answer there, but it's a comedy show, so we'll just let it ride.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Rape. Eric, what is your love life like? Do you go on dates?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
The best date. Get a collection going. The best date you've had in Austin. How did that go for you?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Okay. So she went and fucked a black guy that day. Let's go to your worst date in Austin, Texas. How's that gone? Did it start by her fucking a black guy? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Eric, what's your weirdest hobby? You seem like a guy that has some weird hobbies, something wacky.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I lean into it. How often are we talking about? Once a day? Once a week? Three times a week?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
No. Just tears. Only if it's Star Wars. Tears that roll down your eyes.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Well, you have a big joke book already? A little joke book? Yes, sir. I got a big one. Okay. Well, there he goes, Eric. Eric! Galegos, everyone. All right. Another bucket pull. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name. Make some noise for Judah Z. Judah Z. What's going on, Austin?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
William. One of the most loved humans in the history of the show. A master of likability. A master of charisma.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I'm circumcised. Would you like to see what happens when I ask Ari Shafir the same question? He's King Jew, though.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
What's some Jewish stuff about you? Are you Jewish at all?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That's why he's the King Jew. I wonder which one of you would last longest in a gas chamber.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
He's already holding his breath. Here we go. Oh, I got Ari all the way on this one. Judah's shorter. The gas won't get him. All right.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
What are these answers? Why don't you just answer the fucking question? I don't do too much. You're going to be interested to know when I come around to answering the question. What the fuck do you do?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Do some more crowd work. Ask them some more questions. You're just going to stop after asking if that's their man? You're not going to make a joke or anything? You're just going to nod along?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
What do you mean? What exactly did you used to do? You used to work for a guy who?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Okay, well, he's in jail, so let's talk about it. You don't have to be so vague.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
And what exactly did you do for him? Instead of such broad, I was his henchman.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That doesn't make it okay. How do you spell that? L-E-R-O-U-X.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
How much money did you make when he sold missiles to Iran?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You guys call each other Jew rats? Yeah. Isn't that a double entendre?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
We're having fun here. Okay, so you really married? Do you really have an anti-Semitic wife?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Okay, I'm gonna give you a little joke, but there you go, buddy. There he goes. Judah Z. All right, last bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for your final bucket pool of the night. Corinne Aaliyah, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Corinne Aaliyah.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Corinne Aaliyah. All right. You've been on this show before. Yeah. Welcome back. You have a new thing where you say thank you all the time. After, like, every joke, is that working for you in open mics or something like that?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
How do you think that would play in, like, an hour-long set if people paid to see you saying thank you? 158 times in an hour. I like it. They would like it.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You like it? Yeah. And you think it works. I can't wait to see which direction this goes.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You're welcome. You are. You're very welcome. It is. It plays well in a minute.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I wondered what you were getting at there. Me too, Tony. Me too, me too.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Explain to Ari Shafir what that is. Yeah, let him know if he... What is it, Dagestani?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Amazing. Is it true that you go to the same gym as Michael Gonzalez? Yeah. This was a big, big reveal. Did they really call him Big Mike?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You signed up for something as Big Mike? Oh, my goodness. I can't believe you're signing up for things as Big Mike. This is amazing.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Big Mike Gonzalez is the new nickname on this show, everybody. Big Mike. Join the fray. Thank you. I appreciate that.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
So what's been going on with you since the last time you were on this show, Corinne, Aaliyah?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
What an amazing legend of the game. You guys have seen William many times before. Sam used to... Hang out with them in the mean streets of Colorado together.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
okay, Michael, stop talking to the rest of the band. You can talk to them after the show. He's literally in the in-ear microphone for the rest of the band going, she literally made this shit up, guys. I did not sign up as Big Mike. We're 15 minutes away. You can rationalize you calling yourself Big Mike after this.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
And you really have a boyfriend that you work out with? Yes. And you guys all work out at the same gym?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
As Big Mike over here? Yes. Who's stronger, your boyfriend or Big Mike?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Tell the truth now, Big Mike says. Big Mike. Big Mike. Big Mike. Big Mike. Oh, he loves it.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I think we know the answer. I think we know the answer. Oh, wow. He wants to take off his shirt so badly, ladies and gentlemen. He's going to reveal why they call him Big Mike. You want to take it off? Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Hell yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, 85 pounds of shredded beef. Absolutely crazy. Wow. Hey, Big Mike, thank you. Oh, my goodness. Wow. That is one of the most ripped quesadillas I've ever seen in my entire life.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, it's Josh. Is that true? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Now who's tackling Big Mike? Wow, Jesus, Josh, the guy that helps D Madness. Good job, Josh. Wow, that's incredible. I can't believe, I would not have guessed that about innocent little Josh. Where'd he go? He went into hiding? Where'd he go? He walked off. He's very shy. He can't believe that this has come up.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Josh, do you want to pop your head out here? Wow, yeah, he does. Oh, there he is. Whoa, oh my God, wow. Whoa. Oh, my God. He almost fell over. The guy in charge of making sure D-Madness is safe at all times just almost fell over.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I love it when D gets a little mad. He gets defensive sometimes. And this guy drinks all evening long from the time this sound check starts.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
A lot of people don't know that D Madness, as well as being a great musician and famously homophobic, Loves having a few cocktails at night. And towards the end of the show, he could get a little wild.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
There you go. There she goes. Corinna Lee, everybody. On to the next one we go. Your final comedian of the night. You got to ask yourself, a show that starts with William Montgomery, well, how can you possibly end it? Well, there's only one way to end a show that starts with William Montgomery, and that is with the future American citizen. Yes, indeed. It is the Estonian assassin, Ari Mati.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Absolutely ridiculously amazing. Two minutes and 30 seconds.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
With five times as many punchlines as anyone else tonight.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Well, we have a special thing that's happening. I can't believe you organically brought this up. We have two special sacks for you.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That was fantastic, Ari. Thank you. You've done it again. Absolutely incredible. How's life been going for you?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Hell yeah, those things just make you want to get on the shitter and pull your pants down to your ankles. Yes. You can't even look back at it. I love it. Look at those.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Amazing. We had a little Christmas party here last night.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, well, you really just stepped on the whole thing I was doing there. Thank you, Ari. It was basically getting back to her fat tits. But you had to make it about your balls. Clearly, nothing I was getting to there as the host of the show, but... Yeah, and Ari, everybody knows that. Everybody, Ari has two ball sacks. More educational than it is comedy.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Pew! Old Big Mike make a little loads over there. This is how you get Mike's coming like this Oh
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
On airplanes, on restaurants, backstage, at the bar, all the time. Always.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
The good news is he's going to pay you what he paid in all of taxes last year. Ari, you are the absolute fucking man.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You're watching a shooting star in real time with the stylings of the future American Ari Mati. And we did it. How about a hand for our fucking amazing guests, Ari Shafir and Sam Talent. They're on tour. Buy their tickets. You know where to find them. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in... Ari Shaffir has a brand new special on Netflix January 14th, everybody. Do you believe in miracles?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You may not know it is an anatomical anomaly, they call it.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, me and Joe did. We had dinner with the Netflix executives and we said, don't be gay. That's all you have to tell them. Sometimes you gotta tell these fuckers what's up. Hell yeah. Lady made a hundred bucks tonight in the audience. Wow. How about one more time for the great Sam Talent with two L's, huh? Thank you. Two of the best guests to ever do it. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebeld is in.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Is that baby Red Band? Oh my God. Baby Red Band with a Tony haircut. Look at that. Oh, my God. He already had fat tits all the way back then, folks. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Red Band. Check out thesunsetstripatx.com. Love you guys. There you go. We love you guys. Thank you, everybody.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, no, I was doing another she has tits joke. We're going to have to give her like 50 grand at the end of this episode to say that she enjoyed herself. It's going to be great. It's what she makes monthly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to have to promote something. Are your nipples pierced? Do you have like a small business you'd like us to promote or something?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You don't make things on Etsy or something like that? Do you have an OnlyFans? We can make this up to you. What do you do for a living? What do you do? A concierge. Wow. Okay. What is that, an expensive escort? What is that? Is that what that is? How about your man here? Sir, what do you do? We'll plug something for you.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You work in my... Okay, well, you guys, you know, you need to start your own businesses or something. What can I say?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Is anybody in your family allergic to cats by any chance? Because I don't know if you know this, but Red Band literally is covered in cat hair, everybody. I don't know if you see that, but there it goes, a little gift. A little gift for the audience. Oh, she's gonna catch it. She's gonna, there it is, yeah!
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Welcome to another episode of Fucking Disgusting with your superstar, Brian Redband, where Tony picks things off a Redband and throws it in the crowd.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Wait, look at that one. That's like an eight-year-old kid.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That's a fully grown kid. Wow. Oh, my God. What a fucking loophole. God, it's still that way, Redman? It's unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It is unbelievable. Sometimes the babies are dolls. Yeah. And it's full-grown adults. There's, like, an 11-year-old on one of the ones he just had out. Which leads me to my point. Sir, if you suck on her... All right, this is out of control. Even D-Madness is like, I can't even look at this shit anymore. All right, we're having fun. You really want Red Band to come over for Christmas?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, Red Band, are y'all going to come? Why do you want Red Band to come? I think you'd have a good time. What are you looking forward to the most?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Christmas with Red Band. I hate Christmas so much. Oh my goodness. I really don't like it. What a shock.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Look at that. How exciting. Could be there. What's to think about? Just go. Yeah. All right. I love it. William, what else is going on other than the Christmas spirits and whatnot?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It's like Insult Rain Man over here. Did you know that according to your zip code, if you translate it to Morris code, it spells out f**k.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I think that's when you die. Hold on. Where's the producers here?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Hey, come on, man. All right. Yeah, Matt, take it easy, dude. Come on, dude. Take it easy, Matt. I'm fucked up, man. Yeah, that's just bullying.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Just any joke you make at me, you're like, no. Every time I roast you, you get a plug.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I say he gets pulled over. The black guy just gave me a thumbs up.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
He doesn't even know. Redman, that is crazy. Redman, what did you just do? Have fun bleeping that in the edit, you creep.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, God, you didn't? I hope you did. Oh, Jesus. Oh, boy. Vince, it's time.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
That's perfect. You did it, Bri. Unbelievable.
KILL TONY
#693 - JEFF DYE + RICK GLASSMAN
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
KILL TONY
#693 - JEFF DYE + RICK GLASSMAN
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
KILL TONY
#693 - JEFF DYE + RICK GLASSMAN
If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#693 - JEFF DYE + RICK GLASSMAN
You've probably created one of the best strippers in the future, though.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Really? You mean it worked for you too much? Yeah, it did, yeah.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I don't remember. I think I was like, yeah, I'm on JRE. You ever watch that?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Have you ever been to Allentown? Red Band? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It does look like a gingerbread house town. It's a bunch of wineries. It's an awesome place to take a girl.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Tony, I love Nick's Strawberry Watermelon Ice. It's the best nicotine pouch out there. The flavor in Nick's pouches seriously lasts longer than any other pouches, not to mention they have the best flavor selection. We made a switch to Nicked.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Tony, I love ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter is a hiring site that employers prefer the most based on G2. How fast does ZipRecruiter's smart technology start showing your job to qualified candidates? Immediately. Not to mention ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology works so fast to find top talent. So don't waste your time or money.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Ram Bam, do you know what he's talking about? Do you know what he's saying? Shit, I don't know what he's talking about. You gave me a firmware update and I'm on.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Absolutely incredible. Look at you. What was the negative part to make it not a five star, though?
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Holy shit. Shut the fuck up. I was in the back for a while. I used to see ethnic comic after ethnic comic. And whatever the fuck you are, probably it's another one. You're the single goddamn Jew on this show, Tony. It's been 16 months since that fateful day on October 7th, and they still haven't brought the hostages home, and you guys aren't doing a goddamn thing about it.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, it's good to see you, too. What are you gonna do about fentanyl, buddy? I'm really worried about it.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Sick. I'm going to party. I'll see you guys later. Thank you very much.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
How you feeling? You ready for it? Oh, yeah. It's time. I'm sorry to interrupt. That was my fault. It's all good. It's all good.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
What, not committing to something? Your true passion is failure?
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
That's pretty cool. Fort crushing it right now. I didn't think you had it in you, but you really stepped it up.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
You and... The comeback story of the year with that Pennsylvania story. Man, I fucking dug down deep. You're a real Doug Flutie.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
I've actually got an allergy to cats, and I don't know what to do about it. And... If anyone has any advice.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Hold on, hold on. We're pretty much the same age and you look like shit.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Robert, what did you say about hitting fat women? I heard you muttering over there.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
I'm in town all week. I'm just hanging out in Austin. Oh, we're going to have so much fun. It's a cool town. I saw some good honky tonks today.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Slide guitar. Yeah. I'm so excited. Got a new special coming out January 14th. Hell yeah, January 14th. What's it called? It's called America's Sweetheart because that's what I am.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I love condoms and ExpressVPN, Tony. ExpressVPN is so secure, it would take a hacker with a supercomputer over a billion years to get past ExpressVPN's encryption. Just fire up the app, click one button to get Protected.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Tony, I love PrizePix almost as much as I love hoops, which is why this week on PrizePix, I'm looking at the basketball board and selecting Donovan Mitchell for more than 26 points and Jason Tatum for more than nine rebounds.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Tony, my Takovas are so comfortable. I put these puppies on and walk over to Terry Black, slam some brisket, and put my feet on the table like a gross monster to show off my Takovas to all the tourists.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
guess what tony i love zip recruiter zip intro gives you the power to quickly assess excellent candidates for your job via back-to-back video calls you simply pick a time and zip intro does all the work of finding and scheduling qualified candidates for you delicious
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
No doubt about it. Really sick. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Yeah. There you go, baby. Hell yeah. You came. I came. Good night.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Do you come fast, like, normally? Like, how long do you ask? Wait a minute, Redman. What the fuck we got going on, man? It's so stupid.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
guess what tony i love open phone it's the best business phone system hands down with open phone your team can share one number and collaborate on customer calls and texts like a shared inbox that way any teammate can pick up right where the last person left off keeping response times faster than ever see why over 60 000 businesses trust open phone
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
John Keyes gave him permission, so that's cool. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Okay, go ahead.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
William Montgomery wore it last week, and he said his whole head smelled like pizza for the rest of the night.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I can't remember, actually, but no, they're great. They're great. Is it girls?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
On Amazon for $15, they have these things where you can take off the Tesla logos and put a Honda Prius on it, and people think it's a Honda Prius.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You guys didn't realize the whole time she's had her hand in her front pocket playing with her tit? She's been playing with her tit the whole time. She's been going like this the whole time.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Little fucking f***y little bulldike bitch. Yeah. Don't worry about it, DS.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I'd love to have you do a little set at the Secret Show. Oh, really? Oh, thank you. That'd be lovely. There you go.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com every Thursday. Secret show. Love you guys. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
B. Yeah. Okay, Matt. So here in Austin, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
It's been eight months. You've just heard that there's nature stuff to do here? Well, it just got by.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
It is. Absolutely right. Shout out to H-E-B, the greatest grocery store that's ever existed. How about a Buc-ee's? Have you been to Buc-ee's?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
What did it make you feel like? Tell the people watching around the world how it feels for a little boy from Jersey, a tiny, tiny little boy from Jersey, to walk into a Buc-ee's for the first time. About the wonder that went over your body or however it made you feel.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I love it. So, Matt, what else in your life? You have a crazy family. How do you think you ended up wanting to be a stand-up comedian? What kind of childhood trauma did you go through? Is it that obvious?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
That's fantastic. So, Puerto Rican family, what was that like? Hey, we got Tony killed. Great. Fucking awesome. Remember that show? Remember when there used to be a show every Monday? Now that guy's dead. You fucking traitors all of you. Tell us about your fucking family. Hurry. Hurry, motherfucker. Answer now.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You mean bullets? Yeah, when you say you didn't absorb any of the hood, are you saying that walking in a straight line is the way to avoid being influenced in any way? Like your dad figured it out?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right, Matt. Well, what scares you, Matt? What are you afraid of in this world?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Matt, fun times. You're not worthless to us. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. There you go. Oh, God. Tony assaults Puerto Rican comedian. We're gonna edit all this out. We're gonna edit it all out. All right, Jesus Christ, Heidi, hurry up for the love of fucking God. Okay, all right, have Yoni fix it. Jesus fucking God almighty. All right.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? All right. Here we go. Your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. Lorenzo Tyree.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Lorenzo Tyree, ladies and gentlemen. Lorenzo, do I even want to ask what ethnicity you are? I'm a mutt.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
He can't do that. We're all going down if you ask him. You're the one that made a joke about being deported. Where would they be deported to if you're such a mutt?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Ian is onto something here. You have a little bit of a look. What do people say that you look like?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
The guy, you know? No. I look like him. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up for, Lorenzo? Roughly a year, just on and off. I can tell it's going roughly. So about a year. Where's this year been?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
They got people like you in Alaska? Very few, very few. Damn, your people crossed a lot of borders to get up there. They just kept going until they fucking are stuck in the snow. We'll stay here. Ian. Who gets deported from Alaska?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. Smoke Paradise. What makes your smoke shop better than the rest?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Let's keep it on the human. I like to focus on what's in between the ears of the comedians here, and I don't have much to work with right now. Lorenzo, tell us a fun fact about your life. What makes you interesting?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I found my mom overdosing. Was that her thing? Like, was she, like, a partier? You could say that, yeah.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Two of the funniest comedians in the world tonight, ladies and gentlemen. The fun never ends here. It is the return of a great guest and the debut of another great guest. These are two guests that I can't believe we're lucky enough to have on this same episode. We're about to have so much goddamn fun as I introduce to you two of the best. It's Ian Bagg and Tyler Fisher. Fuck yeah.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, exactly. It's just tang. Well, it's like the powder.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Well, yeah, but that's actually... What the fuck is going on here? It's not the worst breakfast beverage in the world. Tang's not that terrible. I mean, yeah, the bread, like, it filled up, made me full.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
So you had Tang, and you said bread with butter. Was this bread toasted?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
No toaster. No toaster. So it was just raw bread. Yeah. Raw bread. But essentially, essentially it's sushi toast.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I mean, in a normal household, I know rich kids that are happy with some tang and toast for breakfast.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Raw bread is normal for lunch and dinner. Raw bread. Especially dinner.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Sorry we're talking. You fucking blew our mind. Now that dough has entered the conversation, you're right. I guess dough would kind of be raw bread. And bread is raw toast.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
There's levels to it. There's levels to it. There's dough, then there's bread, then there's toast.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Where's your sound effect? Somebody's father came flying out of nowhere and dropped that. There it is. You guys might not have been here last week. We have a new sound effect for when Red Band has a good one. Okay. Well, I'll tell you what, Lorenzo. It was okay. Here comes a little joke book coming at you. There he goes.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Lorenzo Tyree with a little joke book. And on and on it goes. How about a hand for Yoni, ladies and gentlemen? He is the muscle. The muscle. Not quite as pretty as Heidi, but he can do like mechanical shit. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner. He is a legend on this show. Make some noise for the great and powerful Aaron Belisle, everybody.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
It's a return of Aaron Belisle. from America's Got Talent recruited for that show here on Kill Tony. AGT, Kill Tony legend. One more time for the great Aaron Belisle, everybody.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
We got another chair. We got a second chair. Wave to the people. You threw your shit out already? It was so fast. There's a chair. Fuck yeah. One more time for Ian Bagg and Tyler Fisher. They're on tour. IanBagg.com, TylerFisher.com. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Aaron Belisle, ladies and gentlemen. Goddamn. A lot of drama going on with the golden ticket winners lately. Look at you, filling up fucking condoms, taking them home with you. You really did that?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You are a wild boy, Aaron Paul Isle. Good Lord almighty. Look at that. Never heard you make so much noise before. Hey, you guys. Very interesting. So it was a one-night stand? You can barely fucking stand.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
The old reverse squirter there. The old no-look squirt, just the fucking... Clit, grab, and claw. Yep.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
It is true though, by the way, that's hot. That's hot. Do you have any special crazy things you're into in the bedroom? You ever use Mr. Scratchy for anything? Ian Bagg?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Sorry. What are you into, Aaron? You wouldn't need a ball gag in your mouth. That wouldn't do anything.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
For those of you just listening to the podcast, his thumb is absolutely scorching across the board.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, they don't. No, nobody wants that inside of him. Mr. Scratchy needs to... There's a watch in it for you.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Would you want this inside? Oh, he's cooking up something, Ian. Look out.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You guys are fellow Canadians, I do believe, right? You're a Canadian, right? You're Canadian? Yeah. You didn't tell me that.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, all right. It's a hot subject tonight. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Very topical. All right, you fucking son of a bitch. Over there typing shit. Aaron Belisle, what else is going on, Deuterino?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah. Isn't that an interesting vegetable for the... Onion. Of all the vegetables, you went with onions there? You want it inside you.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Ah, fuck yeah, Aaron. By putting it inside them? I love it. So you really took the condom home with you? Is that a real thing? No way, right? I mean, you could, yes or no, you could shake your head on this one. You just go to the bathroom, man.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, okay. Well, all right. Thank you, Aaron. You fucking piece of shit. All right. Okay. Anything else we should know about you, Aaron?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I love it that one of my special needs comedians is making fun of me for hiring so many special needs comedians. You have to love it. I'll give you some time off after this so that that fucking stereotype of my show dies down a little bit.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right. Aaron. I love you, you're amazing. You have some tour dates coming up or something? You have that already preset in your phone?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Wow, there he goes. MuteComedian.com. We know him, we love him. Our boy, there he goes, galloping away. It's amazing when that guy shows up to a horse riding place and he already looks like he fell off a horse. You're like, oh, he's going for it again. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Angel Maldonado, everybody. Angel Maldonado.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I love it. Well, welcome back. Tyler, you've been on this show once before. Ian Bagg, this is your first time. Yes. Welcome, Ian. We're going to have so much goddamn fun tonight. Uh-huh. Yes. Over 280 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show. That's real. Yeah, it's in the bucket here. And they are all at a bar across the street.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah. Okay. What else? I mean, that doesn't seem like that crazy of a job. What is that, like eight to three or something?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, yeah, you were. Yeah, you were. It's on tape. We all heard it.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You're from New York? What ethnicity are you, Angel Maldonado?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
The people of Puerto Rico were never called garbage. The island has a landfill problem. The landfills are filled. The joke stems from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. It is a misdirect joke. You're supposed to think I'm bringing up the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah. Can you just try, please, without any practice, a Kamala impression? Yo, I swear I'm black.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which interrupts them, and they have to wrap it up then. And that's it. You want to pull the first name tonight, sir? Look at that. That's a first.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Really? You seem like a good-looking guy. You seem like you have a good sense of humor. Yeah, I mean, I get flirted with a lot at my new job. It's pretty cool. What's your flirt like? Give us an example. Pretend like there's a woman. She hands you her ID. What do you say?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, Angel, what are some other, what are some things that you do for fun here in Austin, Texas? Oh, man. You can snowboard here, so.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Really, you could say any one of the things that are going through your head.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
It's just a cocaine addiction. And don't apologize to your mom about this. She saw your minute. I take Prozac. You take Prozac? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You take Prozac and cocaine? Where does the energy go, man?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Right off the top there. Yeah, go ahead. Take it. Get them. And yeah, that's it. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? While they go wrangle that comedian from across the street, we have a golden ticket winner that is here to get the show started tonight. It's been a while since we saw him.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
uh sobriety helps my stage presence a little more than like drinking and smoking and obviously i'm still struggling with that right yeah you said you're high yeah so how you went to the therapist what like five months ago ballpark uh yeah just about yeah that's yeah pretty accurate seven months you said you went to a therapist i'm just guessing yeah no you got you got the track you're shocked like i'm a psychic or something like that no uh
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I'm not. I know you're smart. So you've been on Prozac for about probably maybe four months. And how long have you been doing cocaine?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, so it's a new problem. I love this. This is good. This interview is going well.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You know what I'm saying? So when's the last time you did cocaine? Was it last night? Maybe. Okay. Are you looking for cocaine? No, no, no. I'm just curious. I'm curious what it's like for a guy like you. So you're working last night, right? Maybe. Okay, enough with the maybe. So it's a yes?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. So when do you do the cocaine? Who do you do it with? Do you do it by yourself? Do you buy it?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
When you do cocaine, do you do it by yourself sometimes? Tony, sometimes, yes. Okay, so like the last time you did it.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
So, all right. And that helps you get through the night. But then you drink. Yeah. And you wake up and you're depressed.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
And then wherever the day takes you from there, maybe you do more blow, have some more drinks, and then you take Prozac again.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Have you talked with your therapist about this new cocaine habit? A little bit. What do they say?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Angel, here's a little joke coming at you. There you go. Absolutely. There he goes. Angel Maldonado. Appreciate it. Um, no, you know what I'm gonna do? Before we do that, I'm gonna say that that set was so, so,
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
So low energy, such a little amount of laughter that I think I'm gonna bring in a special utility player that we bring in only when somebody does really, really, really poorly and gets almost zero laughter. Energy drinks were brought up during that set with Angel Maldonado. This guy is what I think of when I think of somebody bailing, when I think of somebody doing energy drinks.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you a golden ticket winner with a brand new 60 seconds. This is Drew Nickens, everybody.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right. Well, it's a cute little Halloween joke. Barack Obama didn't think it was cute, but that fucking guy. Yeah, it's a weird week when you could say Barack Obama criticized my joke. He said I made a joke about black people eating watermelons. That's not true. It was a joke about carving watermelons at an all-black Halloween party. The joke being, of course, it's white.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
He really does. How many energy drinks have you had today? Three. Wow. Which ones? Was it just Red Bulls?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I love it. I love it. You mix some water. You cut it with some water.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Tell him, Tony. When you think of the raw bread, what do you picture?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
What's some of your tricks? Do you like pretend like you're dumber at the table and like fuck people up? You like play stupid like, oh, this is a good hand when you're bluffing.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Love it. I got a brain injury, sir. Same thing. Okay. Yeah, he doesn't exactly have a full house up here. You know what I'm saying? Poker joke! Hell yeah. Drew, I absolutely love you. Thanks for popping in. You are the man. There goes Drew Nickens. On to the next one. Now we got a bucket full and then we'll do that.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Your fourth bucket full of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Taylor Neely. Here we go. Taylor Neely with a new minute.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Taylor Neely, ladies and gentlemen. Okay. Did you do some Angel Maldonado's cocaine back there? No. You seem like a wild boy. Me?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You're like, okay. Tyler Fisher, what do you think about your Adderall-infested younger brother here?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. I know. Okay. Taylor, this is your first time on the show, right?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Atlanta, Georgia. You still live in Atlanta? No, I moved here in August. Okay. Well, welcome, welcome. Thank you. What do you love about Austin, Texas?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Whoa. Uh-oh. We're about to have a flyweight fight of the century over here.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. Taylor and Tyler, Tyler and Taylor. We'd be waiting in ounces, man, I think. Wow, this is crazy to see.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Fuck. the fuck is D Madness going right now? Is somebody going to help this fucking guy? There's nothing but stairways on the other end of that curtain, by the way. I've never seen D walk off on his own before. You just walked a blind guy. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. So what did you say your height was? 5'8". Get the fuck out of here. No way, dude. Is anyone believing that? I'm literally 5'4".
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
That looks about right. Wow. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I don't think we need the tape measure. I kind of believe you at 5'8". I'll believe 5'8". Yeah, he's 5'8". Fuck.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Shout out. Absolutely. We absolutely love ZipRecruiter. No doubt about it.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right. What do you do for fun at nighttime, Taylor? What's your nightlife like?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Grow up and smoke crack like an adult. Yeah. How did you end up smoking crack?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You tried crack for the first time from a random guy in Columbus, Ohio?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
So you smoked it, a homeless guy. You smoke crack. What happens? Take us through the process, please.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Let me ask you this. How soon after that did you want to do it again?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah. So you kept like, and you would drink almost every night?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
There's nothing crazier than a cracked out little white guy breaking into your house. Can I mount your TV?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Well, Taylor, fun times. Decent set. A lot of that was trying to get the crowd to fucking repeat after you shit. So you're leaving here with a little joke book. Come back again. Keep signing up. Maybe you'll get a big one. There goes Taylor Neely, everybody. We've come to that time of the show where it is indeed time for one of your most elite regulars of all time.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
This young man is selling out all over the country, technically all over the world. Anytime he announces a date, it sells out. He's a monster. You get to see a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson, everybody.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Unbelievable. That's how it's done. A brand new minute. from the man himself.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Heath Cornus. Absolutely. Welcome, welcome. Hi. I don't even know where to begin.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
What did you do to make her call you a bigot? What did you do to make her call me a bigot? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. God damn. Thank you, Tony.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
It's been fucking crazy. Don't fight. Don't fight. Rope-a-dope. Just let them wear themselves out.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
So funny, bro. So it's been a wild week for you, huh, Cam?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Hello, how are you? Why'd you point at me when you said stiff socks?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, this is good. Is the mailman your blood brother? Yes. But he's not the oldest. You count the oldest as one of your actual brothers?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
What the fuck that mean? There you go. Red band's back. He was on fire for two weeks. What the fuck happened? That was terrible. Back to normal. He snapped out of it. All right. I love it. Cam, were you on the road this week at all? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
If it was closed, if it was closed when he went in there, I'm pretty sure. No, no, no. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Look at that cute little tiny watch. That's a little baby-ass watch. That is the tiniest watch I've ever seen.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Where did you get this? Is that Stuart Little's? What is that? Where do you get a watch like that?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Oh my, come on. God damn it. I make fun of your watch, you just gotta bring that up.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
What happened with Delta? Let's take a moment to talk about this. Let's talk about it. I want Cam's input on this. I'm glad to be here for this. He has a lot of brothers and cousins that work at Delta, I'm sure.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Hold on. You took a picture of a pride pin connected to what? A flight attendant. Right. That's an important part of the story. Okay. You just said you took a picture of a pride pin. So a flight attendant's wearing a pride pin, and you said what?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, I had no idea that the Keebler elves were gay. All right. Wow. Delta. Yeah, Delta. I mean, isn't that interesting that, like... Like, I mean... We both had a rough week, huh?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Cam, literally the best minute of the night so far. You did it again. He has to do it every week. Not easy. Not an easy gig at all. How loud can this place get for the great Cam Patterson? All right, back to the bucket we go. Jesus, I just broke a name. That's a verse. Look at that. Brute strength. Make some noise for Leslie Childs, everybody. Leslie Childs is next.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
She said you could grow with her. Something that's absolutely physically impossible.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Well, joke's on her. The guy she left with can't fly Delta anymore. Fucking your ex-wife. Welcome to the show, Leslie. Frontier is roomy. Appreciate it.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Everywhere's roomy for you. You got to stand up on this seat to adjust your air vent.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You've been trying to get on this show for almost four years.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
When you say that, you mean you've been signing up off and on?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Your car broke five times on the way to the HEV Center. Have you tried to sign up for here multiple times?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Well, not everybody has seen a red car underneath the bridge. Let's just take it one step at a time here, Leslie. So how many times do you think you've driven from South Carolina to Austin, Texas to sign up for this show? Just give me a ballpark.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, Leslie. Well, congratulations. You're here. You finally did it. All the hours on the road. That's amazing.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I love it. I love it, Leslie. You didn't give up. Here you are.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You're, like, the fourth retarded guy on the show tonight.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
So let's cover some of this scroll, man. You want me to read it, dude? Let's fucking do it. How many of you want to hear this scroll?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Hold on a second. Let's back it up a second. When you say that you married a girl out of spite in order to piss your dad off... You ready for this? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
A lot of people go to L.A., a lot of people New York, a lot of people just start welding in South Carolina.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, no, I'm not going to hurt anyone. I swear I'm not. Psychotic episode you're having. Just watching you. You're on stage right now. Everyone's looking at you. What's next on the list?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You have a fucking camera guy? Yeah. What? This is fucking awesome. Wait, what?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Does he go to school, the 11-year-old, or is he homeschooled?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I forgot what number was on. Okay. Give us another one off there. All right.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You know what? Screw the list. I'm going to go back to some questions that I have. So the 11-year-old goes to school. Yeah. You, him, and your camera guy all sleep in your car every night.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I love it. So Heath, you have your heart broken. How did she let you know? Did she tell you face to face that it's over or what? No, it was through text. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's true you've already moved on to another woman. Yeah, I did. And you, uh... I went to Puerto Rico. You really? Hold on a second.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Do you perform other places sometimes to like practice for this? Or are you just focused on getting on Kill Tony?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Well, I mean, what can I say? Leslie, you are something else. Here's a book. What I'm going to do for you is I'm going to give you a big joke book, and for the... 11-year-old, I'm going to give him a big joke book, too. Oh, dude, he's going to love you. And I'm going to give you some Zippix nicotine toothpicks.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
And for your camera guy, a small joke book. But that's for the camera guy. Yeah. But we got to keep it moving along. But that's for the whole fucking household. The whole car hold. Can I ask one favor? What? Can I ask one favor? Can you ask me for one favor? Hold on, band. Hold on. He's going to ask me for a favor, and here we go.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You see that guy with his hand up over there? Look right at him.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Did you get a sweater? Did someone give you a sweater lately, D?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Well, he wouldn't know what it says. But I'm sure he did, and if not, he will. Ladies and gentlemen, make noise one more time for Leslie Childs, everybody. Wow. Wow. Proof that anybody can sign up for this show. Proof that anything can happen. That is a very interesting case. All right, thank you. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? All right. Let's get another bucket full up.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Make some noise for Matt Goleta, everybody. Matt Goleta. Interviews have been running long tonight. Here's Matt Goleta, everybody.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Matt Galletta. Whoa, our first boo of the night, Matt. What's going on, Matt? How are you, buddy? It's okay. Over here, Matt. Focus on me, Matt.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Over here, Matt. Don't rile them up, Matt. I'm trying to help you. Focus on me.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy for? How long have you been a full-grown sea monkey?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Really? Where have you been doing it on and where have you been doing it off? There was a guy before you that has every mental illness in the world and a scroll and he buried you with a shovel. He sleeps in a three bedroom car. You have no excuse right now. Okay. While being almost father of the year.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
When were you in Puerto Rico? How long were you in Puerto Rico?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
No, nothing you say is working, Matt. Theo bombed. My goodness gracious, look at you.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, all right. Matt, where have you been doing this comedy at? I started doing comedy in New Jersey. Okay. You were in Jersey. All right. And then what happened?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Right. You love it no matter what. No matter what. Okay, great. What do you do for work, Matt?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. Don't feed into it, Tyler. Jesus. Don't start speaking German to the Nazi up here. Das ist nicht gut. Wow.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
They really do. Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt. What's an interesting thing about your life? What's a redeeming quality about you? Everybody hates you right now. What's going to make everyone like you? Oh, Jesus.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Were there any threats? Were you in danger at all? Did anybody say anything to you? Look at him.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
How about we play some metal music and we see your vocals?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Here's a little joke book. There he goes. Matt Goleta, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Thank you. Matt Goleta, everybody. There he goes. All right. You guys still having fun out there? Let's do one last bucket pool. I pulled, we haven't had a female up yet tonight, so I pulled until I got a woman. Here we go. Make some noise for a minute from Stacey Ross, everybody. Stacey Ross.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Who's ready for the best spuckin' night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Goddamn. Oh, shit. Mama, we made it. You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Squarespace, Blue Chew, PrizePix, GameTime, and Talkspace. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Goddamn, there's something else.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, my goodness. Stacey Ross. Can we bring Matt Goleta back up here? This is crazy.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Stacey, welcome. Welcome, welcome. How's your life going? How you doing? Talking to the microphone, Stacey.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You're living your dream right now. You're so right. Requiem for a dream.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I'm going to cry. Right, definitely. Ever since you left the band Motley Crue, this is the new highlight of your life.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Five years. Off and on or on? No, on. Okay. On myth. Okay. On myth. All right. What's the coolest gig you've ever done?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
He's going to have to drop you off at the frontier gate, though. You're going to have to walk a little bit.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
That's right. I kind of remember that. You had a different name then, correct?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, yeah, whoa. You took a girl to Puerto Rico with you? I did. Oh, my God. Look at the life that you're living, Heath. Wow, fist bump from Michael Gonzalez. Hell, yeah.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Ian, I'm going to have you handle this. I'm out of little joke books, Stacey, and we're running out of time. We're going to keep the show moving.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Don't want to be... It's pleasure, pleasure. There she goes. Stacey, everybody. Pleasure. No, Tyler. No, don't, Tyler. No, come back.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
It is, from what we understand, it is downpouring outside, which clearly makes the mentally ill a little more mentally ill. Hey, we still having fun? I got good news, ladies and gentlemen. We are done with the bucket pools. There's only one person that can close an episode like this. And it is indeed the record holder for all-time appearances, all-time interviews. I mean, what can I say about him?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
He is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery!
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Why don't you look it up? Look up a maximum amount of honey. Diabetes. The answer. You've had a sore throat for absolutely months now.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
That is indeed Sean Greenberg joining us tonight. He absolutely rocked it out earlier during the pre-show. I was up there watching. He's a freak of nature.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, what else you got, Sean? Let's fucking flex over here a little bit. Sean Greenberg. While he plays guitar, you know what, Sean? Hold on a second. Let's do something fun. While you wail on the guitar, I'm going to name some of the side effects of having too much honey. And here we go. Wheezing and asthmatic symptoms. Dizziness. Nausea. Vomiting. Weakness. Excessive perspiration. Fainting.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Irregular heart rhythms, aka arrhythmia. Cardiovascular disease. Stinging after topical application. Keep playing cool things, Sean. Like, change it up a little bit. There you go. Stinging after topical application. It is to be used as a natural sweetener, cough suppressant, and topical product for minor sores and wounds.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Giving honey to a baby under the age of one year can cause a rare but serious gastrointestinal condition called infant botulism, caused by exposure to clostridium botulism spores. Bacteria from the spores can grow and multiply in a baby's intestines, producing a dangerous toxin. Killed two birds with one stone there. You got to hear Sean Greenberg and the side effects of having too much honey.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
He's unbelievably adorable. So tell me a little bit more about Puerto Rico. Was there any other highlights? Did the gig go good? What exactly did they pay you to do? They, uh... Red band. Oh, fuck. For the love of God. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, Red Band. Just give it a little bit of time. Okay. A couple more weeks. Nobody heard the joke. They don't even have electricity there.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
No, he doesn't do that. He likes to keep it all in front of him. So do you hurt the side effects of having too much honey? Does any of that apply to you?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
How does your throat hurt if you spend multiple days a week not working? Because you basically, I've noticed, you've started taking Tuesday, Wednesdays, and Thursdays off.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I don't play games like that. How long does it take to beat a game like Call of Duty? Is there an end?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I hear you. Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. And sometimes Friday, Saturday.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Do you think maybe you're doing too many cameos? Is that what might be driving you crazy? By the way, it would drive any of us crazy if we did as many cameos as you.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
So other than Call of Duty... What else have you been doing, William?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
So you saw him. Yes. And then you got on your Delta flight.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Let me ask you this. When you got on that Delta flight, you saw the flight attendant walk by you, right? And did you take the picture? I fingered her first. I didn't. Okay. No, I'm just kidding. No, no, no. I didn't. Absolutely insane thing to say. Yeah, I didn't do that. So the flight attendant... This week, it's a woman.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
End the bullshit. So you took a picture. Was it like the first time you saw? Were you like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Like that? Or did you wait a second?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Well, now they're going to rewind it. Okay. Son of a fucking bitch. No, don't hide.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I know. It happens to people. William's always very well behaved on airplanes. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen on an airplane, William?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All right. So all the yelling, it's like over because your throat's always sore. Have you gone to a doctor for this? No.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
What do you mean you don't have health insurance? I don't have health insurance. William, you're rich.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Wow. Well, William, what can I say? Is there anything that you're passionate about this week? Anything else other than Call of Duty? Getting my SMG gold. Camouflage! Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Did that hurt when you just did that? Yes. Oh, okay. In that case, we'll put a ribbon on it. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Ian Bagg is on tour. Go to ianbagg.com with two Gs.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Fuck this. God damn it. Can you say anything else about fucking all of Puerto Rico?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I-A-N-B-A-G-G.com. Tyler Fisher's on tour. Ian, thank you so much. How about a hand for Ian Bagg? Thanks for having me. How about a hand for Tyler Fisher? F-I-S-C-H.com for tour dates. He's on tour. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It's amazing. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. What do we got? Oh, shit. Trump and Biden. Look at how classic characters from the show.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Thank you to Squarespace, Blue Chew Prize Picks, Game Time, Talkspace, Zippix Toothpicks, and to you guys, the audience. Thank you guys so much. Red Band. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. God bless America. Thank you. Good night, everybody.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Okay, all right, that's it. That's it. This interview's over. Ladies, Heath, anything else to say? Are you done? I mean, it depends on you. Oh, Jesus Christ.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
There he goes, Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen, let's go. Time for the bucket. Heath, put that mic back where you, put that mic stand back where you got it from, you little misbehavior, you. All right, your first bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Oh shit, there's the lovely Heidi. How about one more time for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen? It has begun. All right.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Matt Rivera, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Matt Rivera.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah. You're having fun here in Austin, Texas. It is a good old time. What do you do for a living?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, hell yeah. We love Not a Damn Chance Burger. Truly one of the most addictive, unbelievable, heroin-like burgers you could find in the city.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, it really, really is. It's a fucking diabolical burger. That's incredible. I love it.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
They get lost in translation in New York City as well. That's... Been a hell of a week.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, and Raul Vallejo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Sean Greenberg on the guitar tonight. John Deese on the keys. And this right here is the undeniable D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh, my God. We have such a fun show lined up. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You do have a lacrosse in your left ear. Yeah, I do. Is there one in the right? I can't see over there. Okay, no, just a normal one?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock!
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Thanks, Tony. I love porn almost as much as I love ExpressVPN. With ExpressVPN... Without ExpressVPN. Without ExpressVPN, that is. These third parties can still see every website you visit, even in cognito mode.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yes. Your internet service provider, your mobile network provider, and the admins of your Wi-Fi network... Yikes.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Tony, I love PrizePix. This week on PrizePix, I'm looking at the baseball board and selecting Luka Doncic. The basketball board and selecting Luka Doncic. Yeah, you know that guy. For more than 25 points. And Jason Tatum for more than eight rebounds. Plus, Anthony Edwards for more than 25 points. And Jalen Brown for more than four assets.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What about sounds, though? Like, uh, uh, you know, positive sounds.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Red band. Tony, I love Open Phone. It's the most genius phone system out there. Open Phone is the number one business phone system that streamlines and scales your customer communications. It works through an app on your phone or computer, so no more carrying around two phones. Or using a landline.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Tony, I love ZipRecruiter. They're the best hiring site out there. Zip Intro gives you the power to quickly assess excellent candidates for your job via back-to-back video calls. All you have to do is pick a time, and Zip Intro does all the work of finding and scheduling qualified candidates for you. Then you can choose who you want to talk to and meet with great people as soon as the next day.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
No, but that situation does happen a lot to comedians, like these chuckle fuckers with their slutty wives and stuff. It's happened to you? Oh, many times, many times. And it's disturbing because the girl's not ever hot enough.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Do you try to go back to their place though? Like the whole time you're trying to sell, like let's go back to your place.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You also said white people are different than regular homeless people, though.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, but the walk thing. I mean, how far of a walk do you do?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yes, sir. How many thrones? How many thrones do you have?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Well, I mean, you made a good point. You were bringing it to light.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yes, sir. Absolutely. Do you go down on her Franzia box? Wow.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It actually has been a while. I used to use it as an exercise, like going really fast up hills and then going down and trying not to die because there's no brakes. How many years ago was this? I would say five.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I had all the protection, knees, hands, everything, belly.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
No, weak knees. I have very weak knees. Wow. How do you know this? My knees pop out of place all the time, and the top bone and the bottom bone goes together. I happened to skank fest number one, remember? Wow. Some dude, like, jumped on my knee.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchclap!
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I love Talkspace. I think therapy is amazing and can lead to some real moments of transformation. Talking out my feelings to a licensed therapist has helped me tremendously.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
What if people haven't heard about my brand? Shopify helps you find your customers with easy-to-run email and social media campaigns. And what if I get stuck? Shopify's always around to share advice with our award-winning 24-7 customer support.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Whether you're looking for daily wellness, laser focus, or deep relaxation, Via has it. I personally love their gummies right before bed. I also love that they're made with organic, lab-tested hemp from trusted, independent American farms.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
This week on PrizePix, I'm looking at the basketball board, selecting Luka Doncic for more than 28 points and Jason Tatum for more than eight rebounds. PrizePix is so simple to use and makes it easy to start cooking up hot takes and getting big payouts quickly.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You shouldn't really record all this stuff that's going on in your ranch, though. Like, that's so popular on TikTok and YouTube. Have you ever thought about... You could make a lot of money.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Tony, I love built. I can't believe you get so many benefits just from paying your rent. And when you're ready to travel, built points can be converted to your favorite miles and hotel points around the world. Meaning your rent can literally take you places. So if you're not earning points on rent, my question is, what are you waiting for?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It's my favorite pizza. Really? Wow. You've got to get the crust with all the shit on it.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I thought you were talking about being inbred. I didn't even know you were talking about being inbred.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, getting the help you need easier and more accessible and affordable. I think Talkspace is providing some of the best mental health treatments out there.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Red Band. I love Shopify, Tony. Nobody does selling better than Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Hey, this is Rep Day, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Daddy. Get up and let's go!
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
William, if you ate ice, where do you think ice would go?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Check out Sunset Strip, ATX.com. Secret show every Thursday.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It's actually old bologna in the hood. What? Or pancetta.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Hi, y'all. My name's Frank DeMint. I realize I sound like the love child of Barbara Walters and Mike Tyson. Something between the bishop on Princess Bride and Barry Crypty of Big Bang Theory. And maybe a little bit of Emma Fudd. Where's that rascally rabbit? My mother, she didn't help me out much. She named my brother Nick. I can pronounce Nick. She names me Frank. It could have been worse.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It could have been Francis. Or Francisco. Or worse of all, Roy. How about if my last name had been O'Reilly? Roy O'Reilly and his brother Corey. What a disaster that would have been. Who is the asshole that put the ass in lisp, huh? I think it was Shakespeare, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, motherfucker. And who's the asshole over at Apple that came up with Siri, huh?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
There's some pothead computer geek thinking of a guy like me saying, Siri, where is Riley White, the real white? Siri, where is your Buddha's lumber room and rotisserie? Siri, we're in Sally's seashell, seashock, motherfucker, motherfucker.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I actually live in Kingston, Ohio. Oh, okay. Which is about an hour south of Columbus.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I'm retired currently. What are you retired for? I practiced medicine for 27 years. You were a doctor? Yes, I was. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Um, Actually, just the comedy is most of my fun. Let me ask you this.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
No. Okay, what happened? Well, it was one of those things. She was a high school dropout, and I was a college dropout. And I grew, and she didn't.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Well, at the time. I'm not... At the time. Then I went to college. I went to the army, and then I went to college. What the fuck did you do in the army? I was a medical lab tech. Wow. Absolutely. They asked me to go into linguistics, but I said, well, I'm not fucking this language up bad enough. You need me to fuck up another one?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I have no idea. I don't know of any trauma, but I understand my father sounded like this, but he grew out of it, and I didn't. Wow.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, well, there's sort of three words that people don't understand. Full world and whale.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What the fuck did you just say? You say whale, forward and whale? Whale.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, that's what they usually say. You want that whale done? I say, no, I don't want you leather. I want it wet in the middle, but that didn't help much either, did it? Do you have, like, a long tongue or something like that? I'm trying to figure this out. I don't know. I started eating pussy at the age of 13, though. Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I had some economical situations. I had to sell it. Would that be the divorce? And I'm glad. I'm glad. I mean, it was a pain in the butt. It was always expensive to do upkeep on it. Yes. Yes.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
No. Financially? Well, the first one. Second one, I have a prenup. Oh, nothing better than that. Yeah, you learn, man. You learn.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Hey, this is Redman, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Get Off of Tony. Let's go!
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchclay!
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of K.L. Tony. Give it up for Tony. It's clear!
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Well, I have a... Brand new cane. I hope I don't have to like use it later.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Tony, I love Blue Chew. They're giving men the best ED treatment out there. Blue Chew won't stop until every man is bricked up like a brick house. That is the mission. Does it work? Buddy, find out for yourself. With a free month, you could be missing out of some of the best sex of your life.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Miles, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It's like you're looking over a fence upside down at me.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Have you thought about, like, having a stage name or not wearing your glasses or something like that?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
He would've had the higher ground. You know she has a secret OnlyFans.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Etchclay!
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. You should do a podcast, by the way, with all these stories and shit, like of all the people that should have a podcast.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Tony, I love Vaya. They are making some of the best hemp and THC products out there. Here's the best part. Vaya lets you customize your experience, whether you're looking for daily wellness, laser focus, or deep rep relaxation, a.k.a. the kind of chill that makes you one with the couch. Vaya has it.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Does your mom do real estate or something like that? What does she do?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Kamala, I thought, had a pretty odd black... Both of those jokes were about a woman, and then you got this weird relationship with your mom. Like, it's kind of fucking weird.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's blowing my mind. Why does everyone think it's Orlando? Like, that's crazy.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Huh? Tron. The new Tron ride. Okay, there you go. What the fuck about Tron?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
If you're a comedy fan, you have to check out Skank Fest. This year it's in New Orleans. You've got to go. Go to Skank Fest.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That might have been a... It's not jumping. They sit there and shake the bed really hard to try to get you to fuck.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Henske!
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Hey, this is Reverend coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Etchcliffe!
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yes, sir. Yes. You do sell headshots, though, still, right? Headshots? What you told me the other night? Dick pics? You sell dick pics? I told you in confidentiality, dude!
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Tony, I love ZipRecruiter. It's the best hiring site out there, no question. Zip Intro gives you the power to quickly access excellent candidates for your job via back-to-back video calls. You simply pick a time and Zip Intro does all the work of finding and scheduling qualified candidates for you. Then you can choose who you want to talk to, meet with great people as soon as the next day.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Tony, nobody does selling better than Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Thanks for having me, man. Phillip, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. I'd love to do it. I'll see you then. You already have one of these, right?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I just asked. Did you have stage dick? Like, was it all sweaty and gross? No, it was like two in the afternoon. Stage dick, Red Band. That's a thing for you.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Check out The Secret Show every Thursday at thesunsetstripatx.com.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Coming to you live from the Kia Forum here in Los Angeles. Coming to you live from the YouTube Theater.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Donald Trump has won the presidency. Among the key factors in his win, support from Latino voters. He expanded his support among Latino voters.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the H-E-B Center in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Oscar!
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
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KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
P P P P P P P P實 ac ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ag ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac little P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P and� gi la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la gr e e e e e e ,G e ,G e ,G e ,G e ,G e , , , , ,
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
All right, next up is the host of the number-one live podcast in the world, Toni Hinchcliffe. Let's go, Toni.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
, , , , , , ,,,. P P P P P P P P實... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... a ay la enhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aut P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P PrüGrüGrüGrüGrüGrüGrüG boàhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
, , , , , , ,, in P P P P P P P P P P P ac la, ac , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in a. P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P 100G���� già� generà già già grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà grà gr
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
It's a brand new year. It's a brand new start, a clean slate. Just be happy and not have any feelings. We don't give a fuck about your feelings. Feelings go up and down. Feelings are like a fart. Once you fart, you don't miss that fart. Well, maybe I didn't explain that quite right. I'm not used to playing a whole fucking town! But it's a new, it's a brand new year. I'm optimistic about it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I'm very optimistic about it. I'm even more optimistic about remembering what I was gonna say up here. Hey, shut your motherfucking mouth! Throw him out! Throw that motherfucker out! Kill Tony? Kill him! Kill him! You probably voted for that fucking Harris bitch. I hope Trump, Trump, Trump, when he gets in office, he's going to kill everybody in the country.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You know, what was his name, Gravedigger? The big guy. Yeah. Yeah, I fucked him.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
This is Redman coming to you live from the H-E-B Center here in Austin, Texas for our brand new episode of Kill Tony.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Was it like a goodbye just in case?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
A little bit sassy.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
He kind of got upset when you tried to reenact it.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Put him on the spot. He's still breathing.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
He's checking.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
You're lying.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
You never tell us that part.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Not a typical shape.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Do you know what that is?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Like a capybara?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I like that.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
A cat butt?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Let's do the kitchen. There's a wonderful Pyrex print wallpaper.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I see both.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I think we told Janice.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
She's like special needs or something.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Buzzed head.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
The containerware. Yeah.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
It's like every meal. You could see what she had for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
And we've been notified.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
It's gross.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
But it looked like that middle dish every time.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Sometimes blueberries.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Yeah, why can't you digest it?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
That's actually genius.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Yeah, all sorts of colors. It's so cute. It would be so cute in your kitchen.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Hustle mentality.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
They blur her, like a filter blur on her face.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
It's like, girl, let it show. Let it all hang out, girl.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
So botched.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
You guys can practice.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Just practice.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Yeah, imagine if this is Uno.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
It's a bobblehead.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Concrete and copper wire.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Like copper, they would always say that.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I'm still he's never top 10 anymore.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I'm like, are you going to come hang out?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Work-life balance.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
We'll send you a picture later.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
What was he on? I had no idea. Was he also Road Rules?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Yeah, I forget.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
That's so funny.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I mean, it looks just... Look at that.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Did she ever talk about it?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
There she is. That's crazy.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
You're going to change it.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I know, why are you so cranky?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
He doesn't drink coffee until like 4 p.m.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
He doesn't do it in the morning.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Hot and black.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I feel like it was a lot more diarrhea-y.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
It was your anniversary.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Can we talk about it a little last night? Can we talk about it last night?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Till he was 14.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
But he would look at nudie magazines with his six-year-old cousin.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
The Pink Hotel.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
It was weird. Francis is good about having food.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
We have one time. Did we do that? We had a 50% off Uber Eats and we got dessert samplers from, we just ordered a couple desserts from Paris.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I think he's from there. Did he lose a bunch of weight?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Like 200 pounds?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Rock climbing, I think.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Might as well.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Face tattoos.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
We got to hang at his little bar.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
And we kept putting Gator out the window.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
It was loud.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
It's the face tattoos.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Paul Blart.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Oh, in the show?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Like a mullet, maybe?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
It's a way to express yourself.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
They hated the fourth Friday the 13th.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
The chubby one, he's a hater.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
He's a little more rational. The other one's like... He's a hater. His takes are like, what? Just negative for no reason.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Hater-ass.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Because remember, it was Ebert and Roper. So maybe it was the skinny one.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I don't know if he was fired or passed away.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Who the hell is Roper?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
What was that guy like?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Disagreeing. People have to do it on their own time.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
That's hilarious.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Why do they care?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Have you seen any?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
We lived by the bar.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
That Jenny Aniston worked at.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Yeah, exactly.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
It's like Baker Street Pub. It's right next to the Jets Pizza.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
They are so good. They're hilarious.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
AI expert.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
He wouldn't be here without you.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Was it a bunch of string?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Why does your mom do it?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
And I can't eat candy bars. It's crazy we've all lost all of our teeth.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I had five. I got them all taken out.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Oh, yeah, they're like big gaping holes. I forget.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Did you guys get them all done at once?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Aren't they skin colored?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I know, isn't it? Yeah, I would also get it twice a year as a teenager. What are those things called? Tonsil stones. They stink. Oh, it looks like Gator was looking at the tonsil stones.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I know. Now I felt like just, do you have holes in yours just from having tonsillitis so many times? I think so. Yeah.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Like a tonsil?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Doing that?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
I think you would. Yeah. Kind of know when it's kind of right.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Wow. Far.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
We love watching YouTubers going on the sleeper trains.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
Some of them are nice. Some of them are like sleeper, but you have stops and they put your luggage in your room on the stop and then they take it back in for you. It looks very nice.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
And don't they always have like a dining room, a bar room, a sunroom?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
No, we haven't been back.
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
What is it?
The William Montgomery Show
Redban | The William Montgomery Show with Casey Rocket Ep. 177
And Redman happened to come off stage to go potty in his own private green room. In the middle of the show. And he's like, hey, I need to get in there. I need to get back up. And then when he leaves the room, he's like, ugh. And then there was a throw up all over the floor.