The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: David Samson's Rules For Using The Bathroom
Thu, 06 Feb 2025
It turns out that David Samson doesn't just have rules for how he uses the bathroom in a public setting, but he also has rules for the guests in his home, whether they can sit or stand to pee, and which of the several bathrooms they're allowed to use. Then, do you have a strong feeling about how it feels to put your bare feet in a shower or bathtub? Plus, the Heat made another trade deadline move while we were recording, so Izzy, Amin, and Jeremy break down the details. Also, because PJ Tucker was sent away in said trade, Ryan Cortes bombs back into the show to express his dismay. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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This is the Dan Levitar Show with the Stugatz Podcast.
This episode of the Dan Levitard Show with Stugatz is presented by Venmo.
Did you have to do that? I thought it helped.
I could have done it as Joe. It's brought to you by Venmo. I love that app.
I like doing reads and voices. Everyone else does their read. They just do their read. I'm like, no, you know what? I did a 1-800-Flowers one the other day. Made it real sensual.
Yeah, and then I followed with another ad and made it very robotic. It was very weird back to back. I'm very jealous.
I'd like you to do every read. You did 1-900-Flowers.
Whoa.
Whoa. but thank you steven smith's voice stephen a smith oh yeah every read should be done in that voice the obama voice i've thought about that before but never actually saying anything explicit that would identify me as obama but just saying you know when i you know want to give my wife flowers i go to 1-800 flowers you may get secret service knocking on your door really
They're like, Mr. President, are you okay? You're doing reads.
I've never noticed how much the A in Stephen A. Smith helps his name. Because he just called him Stephen Smith. It came out right. I had to change it.
That guy's polling at 0%. Way less interesting.
I beg your pardon. That guy's polling great with the NFL audience. Stephen Smith. Wide receiver.
Steve Smith.
Junior.
Never heard him referred to as Steven. Never heard of Steven A. Smith.
There are two different Steve Smiths. Both played receiver in the NFL. Steven A. Smith. Yeah, again, polling at 2%. Also a basketball player named Steve Smith.
Steve Smith, Smitty from the city. I cried when he got traded from the Heat.
Also, there's another Steven A. Smith that's from American Dad, Steve Anita Smith. Yeah, that's a great show. I love it. I feel like I'm Greg Cody right now.
David said something to me in the break that I just want everybody else to know and be aware of. He's doing his Dan imitation. David, this is actually a real thing.
Was it in the eating area?
Wait, you say Dan doesn't do, it's not real when Dan does it?
This is a genuine revelation to me. David said, you're peeing again at 11 a.m.
I just found it annoying that it's twice, two days in a row when we're trying to get going, and then he's the guy who the kids are in the car. You're ready to roll, and all of a sudden one of them says, oh, I got to go to the bathroom. He's keeping track of when you guys pee. It's too late. He knows when all of us pee.
This wasn't why this phrase was invented, but that is the ultimate pecker checker.
I wasn't looking at his pecker. You're checking it.
But you were checking it. Have you ever peaked before in the bathroom?
I've never used the bathroom in this studio. No, I just meant in general. I sit to pee always. Really? I do not stand a urinal. This tracks. Somehow not shocking. I do not. There's too much splash potential. Wait, hold on.
But that's an interesting decision you're making there, right? Because you're inviting a whole other world of germs. Yeah.
Right up the...
Wait, what kind of toilet seat do you have?
Exactly. Wait, you sit, though. You touch the seat. Oh, no. You hover? Am I the only one who squats with your thighs? To pee?
No. Hold on. Is this really happening right now? Is Jess here today?
I'm sorry. I'm not doing this, but you have contact with the public toilet seat?
I'm fine with sitting to pee. It's just a comfortable thing. I don't need to make all the noise. I don't need to do all the splash. On the road, if you will, not at home, I'm standing every time. Splash. Splash. deal with whatever splash situation you can, but you avoid the touching and the awkward position that you're hovering over the toilet seat.
My stream has such incredible aim, I get zero splash.
You work on that, David. Just direct it. I am surprised to hear all of your takes on this.
I create a layer between me and the seat. You're talking about at a public bathroom. Yeah. I do it at people's homes, though.
I do that. You put toilet tissue on the seat?
Yes. Well, they have those seat covers. You do that?
No, I don't touch those. Would love a seat cover. No, we'll use a seat cover.
Yeah, that's what I do. Gladly. Rare, you know me. I'm pretty regular, so I don't have to deal with that. There's some times when you're at a friend's house.
that you have to use tissues on the toilet seat because you don't want to throw them into the toilet because you may clog it. And then when you're done, you just clump the tissues and put them in the waste can. So I'm always doing math. I've never been in that bathroom either.
I never sit. I never sit. The only time I sit is to do the other thing. But even at a friend's house? Not at a friend's house, no. That's just rude. Lift that seat up. Nope, my aim is true. Like a laser.
Rude. It's like the Death Star. I've never thought when someone goes pee in my house, they better not be standing. I actually ask guests, make sure you sit.
No way.
David, I'm going to tell you right now. Let me tell you right now. No.
You will not stand in my house. You're going to hear it. I will make sure. And how do I know? Because you hear the double click up. Is no one else knowing the noise?
What other demands do you have of your guests? This is very straight. I keep, there's a, I mean, it's not that unreasonable.
And do you like list them upon arrival? Do you have like a list on the wall? It depends on you. So when people are coming over just to pick me up, I know they're not using the restroom. I don't have to go into the restroom rules. if someone's coming over for a meal. Do you lay these rules out?
Do you explain them or do you hand them over?
People want communication.
And do people leave immediately like Homer Simpson's dad out of the bar after he walked in? Let's put it this way.
David, you're hosting like there's a big fight, right? There's a boxing match. You're hosting people over, right? All right, David, I'll come. I'm not doing anything. I want to watch the fight at your house. I show up. Okay, well, thanks for inviting me, David. What's going on?
When you say, hey, I have to use the bathroom, I'll say, fine, just make sure you sit. So you don't say it until... That's what I was just trying to say.
If you said that to me when I came in your house, I would pee in the sink.
Not when you come in the house.
If you said that to me, I would assume you're telling me to poop. I'm just saying, David, if you said to me when I'm going to your bathroom, please sit, I would just be so offended by that that I would pee in the sink.
I would be like, I need to get even with him, and this is how I'm going to do it. I am very much missing this, and I guess it's one of the issues I have.
Hey, David, where's the bathroom? I just need to wash my hands.
No problem. Where's the bathroom? It's right over there, but I would send, there's several different choices depending on what you're doing. There's a bathroom just for hand washing.
And there's no toilet in there?
That's called the half bath.
The half bath is just a toilet and a sink. Is there a bathroom?
Yeah, I've got a sink that I send people to. Wait, do you send, is there a bathroom you send people that you think are dirtier than others? That's a yes. That's a yes.
This is very uncomfortable, this conversation. And I will tell you that that is a very normal thing. That when you have, for example, if there are workers... You're profiling? Hold on.
This is going to get... You're a bathroom profiler.
Pablo, he has a shovel. Let him dig! It's not by race. It's not by... It's by if your hands are dirty because... You're doing weeds, for example. Sure. I'm not letting you use the main. I don't mean smoking them.
What do you mean doing weeds? We're definitely not talking about that. You're having people over immediately after pulling weeds from the garden.
If someone needs the restroom and is cleaning something that makes them dirty, I don't want them in the nice bathroom.
The misinterpretation you have here is these are not his friends. These are his workers. I get it now. This is for the help. People in the house. He's got a bathroom for the help. They're coming in to pee.
If they're doing work like that, it's not happening. It's fight night, right? Hey, David, the gardener's here.
And also, I'll keep going. Kids. There's certain bathrooms for the kids to use. I don't want kids. How much money do you have?
You said you weren't a billionaire, but how many bathrooms do you have? It's an upset that you allow kids in your house.
Hey, David. Amin Jr. needs to go to the bathroom, too, by the way, just to wash his hands, though. Different directions.
What if we're having a fight night, and I've had a few too many beers, and I've got to throw up, dude? Oh, yeah. I'm feeling sick, David.
I've had that happen. There's a place outside. Where'd you send Greg Cody? You cannot, you cannot, if I see that, like we won't over surf. That's the thing too. What's the spot that you pick outside? Because clearly you picked a spot. So there is behind a hedge. You've been where we're talking about.
There's a hedge. You've been a fight night. I've seen a couple of the bathrooms.
Wait, did he give you the instruction? Did he give you the pamphlet when you walked in?
Now I'm reliving every instruction I was given. I mean, he limits drink consumption.
How do you do that? Just drink responsibly. How do you do that? Wait, hold on. First of all, I'm liable. No, how do you do it? I say you can't have any more drinks. You're watching every time someone gets up to go to the kitchen? It's not hard to pay attention to 40 people.
Or are you the one?
He's paying attention to when all of us pee. I can pay attention to a lot of people. Wait, don't criticize me for not over-serving people.
I'm not criticizing. I'm merely asking, how do you actually police all these rules? Pablo's going to the bathroom. Chris is throwing up. I've got to make another drink. How are you making sure the gardener's here? Amin Jr. has to wash his hands. How are you keeping track of all these different things all at once?
It's not hard.
I swear to you, you should try it sometime. No, I hate hosting.
So I host a lot. I hate hosting. I'm surprised you as a germaphobe are... People love coming over and I want people to feel welcome as long as they follow the rules.
Rich people love hosting. I hate hosting.
This is not about... I did the same when I had a two-bedroom apartment with one and a half baths. Oh my God, how'd the rules work back then? It was dicey. Pee out the window. No, there were, so I love where your head's at. New York City, in doorman buildings, there are bathrooms in the lobby.
Oh, my God. You sent people to the lobby? For sure.
31.
God damn. David, I got to go.
Plan better in advance. Pablo, somehow you can set Greenwich called and said it must be 1102 Eastern. Pablo's going pee-pee. I didn't know that about myself. It just so happens. It's been two days in a row. I just wanted you to know that whatever you were drinking, because you started today with two big cups. But it's causing you to have to go to the bathroom and slow the show.
At a normal pace. It's okay to go to the bathroom.
There's nothing wrong, by the way, as long as it's because you're drinking a lot and not because of other health issues. There's nothing wrong with going to the bathroom. It's a go problem, not a flow problem.
Yeah, flow max. I'm still stuck on the first thing.
The oldest show ever.
Before we get into urology commercials, I'm still stuck on what David is doing in terms of his hovering. So you are just... You must not know any women. You're doing that? You're doing that? Yes, you're doing that. I know women that hover at, like, porta-potties. Like, my wife is not hovering at every toilet she sees.
What I wasn't sure about was whether David was on top of the seat and squatting, like, feet on seat.
You were thinking whether he was like this. Yeah, gargoyle style.
I had David Sampson gargoyle.
I'm sorry that I misrepresented. Is that what you thought? I had you just, like, hovering. Like, your ass is, like, six inches above the toilet. That's a hover.
Yeah, your quads are burning by the time you take a long pee. That's exactly correct.
I'm told by many people that I do a lot of things wrong, and I was never modeled it. I had a weird—so I do a lot of things differently than most people, and I don't know why that is.
But, David, you realize it, right? You know that— It's a habit now. No, but I— It should not come as a shock to you, I guess is what I'm saying. You look like at the beginning of this conversation, you guys don't sit down.
Well, I still assume that no one would sit on a public toilet. No, no.
I'm talking about the act of urination for men that sitting down is the norm.
I know that most of you stand, but I know that most people are not you where they can control the splash.
If he has an angle.
I got the best angle. I assume you're lying. What's him dunking with a bank shot? I'm really good. Are you Tim Duncan? What's happening here? I'll give you one better, Jeremy. That's true. Earlier, Izzy said, sometimes I don't want to make sound. This typically doesn't happen when I'm at home, but sometimes when I'm at someone's house,
I do want to do the silent P so I can aim it at the exact angle where it won't make much of a sound, but also it reduces splash because it reduces. It does not eliminate. Yes, it's true. That's true. There is a little bit of trickle, but a lot of it gets caught up under the rim, which is the whole point of the aim.
It depends also the water level. There's certain bathrooms where the water level is so high that there's nothing you can do.
You just got to lean into it.
What great athletes refer to as being in a flow state? Dick Trickle.
The thing that I do that I realized very early on that I'm the only person who does this. I abhor walking into a shower barefoot. I always have slides.
This was a problem at the spa for me last night.
Even at my own house. Wait, in the shower? In your own home? In my own.
Oh. Literally, it could be. Now we're in crazy town.
What's that? What I'm talking about?
Yeah.
You don't trust your own shower? I could have the shower have been built and installed. I'm the first person to use it and was cleaned and everything. The feeling of my bare foot against tub or tile. disgusts me. Oh, I'm with you here. It disgusts me. Do you pee in the shower? What? No, I don't. Even though Costanza says it's all pipes.
I'm reacting to Izzy's agreement with Amin.
Yeah, no, there's a lot of things about showers. Like, don't even get me close to a shower drain. I don't care if it's mine. I don't care how clean it supposedly is. It's the grossest place in the world.
So not a finish salt burn then?
That is the most disgusting. I didn't even watch that scene. I had to cover my eyes and find out when it was over. But the tiled shower floors, right? Where sometimes they firstly get wet and you step on and maybe they feel slimy and you're like, ooh, they did not do a great job of cleaning this floor. Or I don't want any grout under my feet while I'm showering because I just feel like every grout
grout is just going to be disgusting, especially when you've got people washing themselves in that area.
You talk about grout the way that David Sampson talks about gardeners.
He's disgusted by gardeners?
I'm not, and I resent that implication.
As long as they're outside.
Those that use the right bathroom. Do you travel with thongs? And then what do you do when you have to leave?
Now, I do not wear shoes in the shower. I do not go as far as wearing shoes in the shower, nor do I travel with my thong slippers.
But I do have a pair. So at home I have flip-flops that are designated just for when I'm coming in and out of the shower. And here I have slides that I pack in my Tupperware boxes. Is there a surface you'd prefer your shower floor to be? I mean, I like a stand-in shower. By the way, I don't like tubs. What's that good floor? I don't like tub showers. I like a walk-in shower.
I'm with you on that. I would rank, yeah, a walk-in shower ahead of the tub. It's the recipe for getting injured. At this point. Tub? The oldest show in the world.
But yeah, so I guess in that way, I guess I would prefer the tile over the smoothness of a tub, which is just, oh, that's so gross.
Only when you say smooth like that. That's the only time it's gross. Dolphin smooth.
Oh, that's worse. I didn't know you guys all didn't trust your own shower floors. I don't wear shoes in the shower.
I've never heard anything like this before. I've heard it regarding hotels or staying elsewhere. I am shocked. by the lack of trust in your own shower floor.
The times that I put a scrub brush to the shower, which I have one of those sleek, white, smooth bathtubs in my master. I'm sorry, are we calling it that anymore? No. My main bedroom bathroom. And when I scrape it, I'm just like, wow, I've just been standing on that for the last week and a half.
It's just gross. It's not a cleanliness thing. I just don't like the sensation. Do you clean your own tub? I don't have a tub. I have a walk-in shower.
You walk around barefoot in your home or are you someone who's constantly wearing socks?
I have house slippers that I walk around in the house. I give socks to guests. because I don't want them to be bare feet. No shoes, no shoes in the house. And when people come in without socks, I buy socks. Are they like a new fresh pair and then they get to keep them? No, but you can buy them on Amazon.
It's like the Foot Locker.
You can buy them in bulk and they're extremely cheap. I just don't want people's toes on my floor.
So it's just like a handout of, hey, here you go, and then they wear that and protect themselves.
So you're forcing women who wear heels Come into your house, take those heels off, and then you give them, I guess, what? Trampoline socks. Footies.
Bowling socks. They've got grip. You know what they're really good for? You ever want to rob a bank? Just over your face right there. No, not those. Oh, not those?
I know what you're talking about. I know the ones David's talking about because in the same scenario, you go to a bar or bat mitzvah, and everybody's taking off their heels to dance, and they're getting the little socks with the grip on them so that they're not slipping on the dance floor.
Wait, these socks have grips? Yes. Yes. It's not. You can't give people slip socks. I knew exactly where he was going. That would be obviously liability. You can't have people on your floor with slip socks.
Can you imagine the gathering now at his house? It's just a bunch of people with those socks on holding their hands like this so they don't want to get anything dirty. Trying to sort of ration their drinks, trying not to drink too much, and trying not to seem too sloppy lest he kick them out of the house. You make it sound not fun, Izzy. You make it sound not fun. Oh, no.
People have a ton of fun.
You give them gloves, too, don't you? It's a laugh party. They're laughing at you, I believe. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Did you just say it's a laugh party?
People are having a great time.
It's a laugh party is what you get when you're using Google Translate four times.
It is laugh party.
And you get it back and it's like, oh. Laugh riot. Having a real laugh party. I think Roy's been amazing today. Oh, man.
Small windows.
Roy's efficiency has been off the charts. It's what I do. He dropped a title nine. Then he dropped a yep when it came to master.
No.
No. Definitely no.
That statement cut it by itself.
Oh, my God.
His efficiency is sort of like what Andrew Wiggins is going to look like in a heat uniform.
That was not efficient. You know that sound. It's the sound of money hitting your Venmo account. A friend paying you back. Or maybe it's getting cash back from your favorite business when you pay with the Venmo debit card. Or it's realizing you can pay with Venmo at checkout at thousands of brands. Now, there are so many more ways to answer the question, what's your Venmo? Download Venmo today.
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Don Levitard. Oh, I like firing people. So I take the opportunity to fire whenever I possibly can because I can use it as a learning experience for them and try to help them out and try to point out what they did wrong. But in this case, the employee was enough levels below where I was that I did not do the firing, but I had it done within moments of discovery.
I'm just like firing people.
It's just absurd. It's absurd. Stugatz. I'm talking about people who I fire who deserve it, who have done something that actively requires me to fire them. It is my unadulterated pleasure to do so. This is the Dan Labatar Show with the Stugatz.
Jeremy so badly wants to talk about this young core for the heat. Can't do it anymore.
The back story.
We haven't even talked about it.
The back story of what's been happening on the show today is that we've been trying to prevent more heat talk from happening, and it's peeking through.
Now we're talking about bathroom etiquette. We're just in the city.
All right, Jeremy, you get 30 seconds.
Tell us about the young core. That we haven't heard before.
I mean, this is a really wonderful setup for me. No, I mean, look, when you're looking at the Miami Heat, if you want to hear something you haven't heard before, it's that they have three All-Stars under the age of 30, technically. If you include Andrew Wiggins, Tyler Hero, and Bama Dabayo, who have all been to All-Star appearances in the last few years.
But what's more important is you look at the actual young core that they have when you add Andrew Wiggins to it at 29. You have... a 20-year-old in Kalel wear, a 21-year-old in Nikola Jovic, a 23-year-old in Jaime Jaquez Jr., Tyler Hero at 25, Bam at a bio at 27. There's a future there for the first time.
Thank you. Great. The Mets signed Pete Alonzo, and it was a huge win.
I'm really glad we're talking about this instead. For Scott Boris. Why is Izzy wearing a hockey sweater? We are across the street.
Well, it's funny because David tried to convince me that I was making a political statement by buying this fairly expensive jersey. Izzy, I asked. He asked. Well, but he thought that that's why I did it. And that's kind of a leading question. Not a leading question, but it suggests that that's what I would do.
Look, did he profile you as somebody who might want to make a political statement and also use a bathroom that he's not comfortable with you using?
Yeah, I'm at the point where I don't even watch the news, so I don't even know what's going on with tariffs or Canada or anything. There is actually a bit of a funny story to this. I bought this by accident. We famously have spoken about the hockey group chat that Mike Ryan started on the show.
Separate from the Hakez group chat.
Different, different. I'm in a Hakez group chat. It's called Jaime Hakez is the next Jimmy Butler, and it includes me, Dan, Mike Ryan, and Mike Schur. And we talk about basketball all the time together. Do you have Mike's cell phone? Yeah, I have his cell phone number. He told me not to give it to you. I'm so glad I'm not in these things.
He actually told me yesterday, quote, casually mention that we text all the time, but don't give Samson my number. I'll show you that text if you want.
So we're on the text thread, right? And I think it was Ethan, well, it was Ethan, who mentioned that his birthday, no, let me rephrase. Somebody had pointed out that these jerseys were now on sale. It was the Four Nations jerseys, and it was for sale at the Iceplex where the Panthers practice, which is over by where I live.
And it just so happened that I saw those texts as I was a block away from said Iceplex. And then one of the very next texts was, was Ethan, who, I don't know if you know Pablo. Ethan is someone who works here.
We measured him yesterday, didn't we? Whoa.
Where'd you start from? So Ethan sent a text that said... Ron McGill measured him, technically. said my birthday's Tuesday as if to suggest, hey, somebody should buy me that. And I'm not somebody who just goes around buying people gifts, even though I do on occasion. But sometimes it just feels like, oh, it's a perfect set of circumstances. I'm going to buy him this as a birthday gift.
I will seem like the greatest person in the world, right? That's really my intention for all this. And so I get here on Monday or Tuesday, I can't remember, and I ask somebody else who works here, Mally, if he thinks that Ethan already bought this jersey. And turns out he did already buy this jersey. I asked Ethan to confirm.
So rather than return it and get, you know, a little bit of money back, I ended up keeping it for myself. So now Ethan and I can match whenever we hang out, which is never.
2010 Winter Olympics, Canada's playing in the gold medal game for hockey, and I have never in my life seen a more unanimous crowd where every single person was wearing the authentic Canada jersey, stitches and everything. It was just a sea of red.
It's pretty dope, though. Check out this jersey. It better be for how expensive it is. I bought one. I bought a USA one, and good God, is it expensive.
But it just staggered me that there wasn't a single person who scalped their ticket or a single person said, oh, I don't have the jersey. I got this other T-shirt. Everyone was wearing it. It blew my mind.
God, would it be amazing if they were a state? I mean, then that would be a U.S. victory. I'm stuck on iceplex.
Every hockey team practices at something where it's a weird ice pun. Because the Coyotes, when they used to be the Coyotes, were at the ice den.
That's what the Panthers called their last practice facility.
And then also the thing about the ice den was, same thing with Izzy, it's like, it's your practice facility. Also, it's kind of open to the public where other kids have- Like practices from nine to 11, and then there's free skating from 12 to two. Yeah, and they have a gift shop. And I'm just like, I don't think this exists in any other sport where you can just come and get some open run in.
Don't the Knicks practice at SUNY Purchase? No.
Is that open? There was a gentleman at the Iceplex when I went in there who got too close to the windows as the Chicago Blackhawks were practicing, and he got yelled at. And I was like, wow, that's an experience. Black hawks. Black hawks. Right.
Separate from the vultures. I found, by the way, I was in. Come on, man. We were measuring Ethan and David because we were trying to get a scientific verdict from Ron McGill on which of these two people would the turkey vultures circling the Elser perpetually be most likely to take away. And I found, I mean, I was on the balcony of my room last night and I was admiring the vultures.
And then I looked up and saw 100 of them perched on the floor above me. 100? I will, I will. There's hyperbole everywhere in his story.
I'm so glad you challenged this. Because it's not perpetual around the Elser, because if you listen to Ron McGill yesterday, they migrate here during the winter.
Okay, perpetually during the migration season, they are circling the Elser. God, do you hate not being the smartest guy in the world.
Oh, the NBA trade deadline, guys. It never stops. And someone get Ryan Cortez on live support because his beloved P.J. Tucker is being rerouted.
Get Cortez's throat back on the Zoom and open that up real wide.
Unclog it.
PJ Tucker is going to his original NBA team, the Toronto Raptors, along with second-round pick and cash in exchange for the man they call off-night, Davion Mitchell. Does that bring them below? Is that the same as trading Kyle Anderson?
I've got to look up Davion Mitchell's salary, but it might be, yes. Because we said that they had until 3 p.m. Eastern, and if they don't get below— the tax, then the whole Butler trade's a nightmare.
And it sounds like... PJ Tucker makes $11.5 million this year. Davion Mitchell will make $6.4 million this year.
So... Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Ellsberg has done it again. Well, they had no choice. He is the absolute master. I don't know if there's – well, you guys don't have a salary cap, so no. But, like, in our sport, when we talk about, hey, they've got 12 hours to get under this threshold right here.
There is nobody, nobody in our league who's as good and creative as Andy Ellsberg, including the year where he got – what's the Slovenian guard? Not Goran Dragic, the other one. Zoran?
Beno Udre?
Beno Udre. He got Beno Udre to just lower the – the guarantee on his deal in order to get under?
I'm sorry, but make sure we speak to our Heat people. I believe what happened here is the Raptors did not want Anderson, and the Raptors knew that they had the Heat over a barrel because they had until 3 p.m. to get below, and then they upgraded to P.J. Tucker. Is there a chance that's what happened and the Heat didn't want to trade P.J.
Tucker, but they had to get under the line more than they wanted to keep Tucker?
Close, I would say it's the second round pick in the cash that they squeezed out of him. They got another little draft asset and some money out of it as opposed to just a player for player or maybe a little bit of money.
In a shocking development, Jeremy likes this move for the Heat.
Oh, I do, too. Why? Oh, it's not a bad thing with this team, given what their backcourt looks like. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
It's just depth. Wait, what? You loved P.J. Tucker. I didn't say anything about P.J. Tucker. Where is Ryan Cortez?
By the way, Chris Cody now knows what Davion Mitchell looks like, so he's three for three. Man, he looks like a nice player. Davion Mitchell also might be the P.J. Tucker of the perimeter. That guy is such a good defender. That's it. You're talking about Andrew Wiggins, Bam, Kal-El Ware, Davion Mitchell. Like, this team could shut some people down.
They got you, too.
I would say that the reason this would be positive in terms of an exchange for Tucker is Tucker, likely given the Heat's front court scenario, was not going to play for them at all. He would have been a cool guy to have on the bench and motivate some of these younger players. I did say cool guy. Thanks for noticing.
I noticed it because I noticed both of your heads perk up as soon as I did it and thought Maybe I can power through that one. Not in this group. But the thing about acquiring a player in Davion Mitchell, does he solve all your problems in the guard position? Obviously not.
But now a 26-year-old at a lower number who's also a free agent and can contribute at a position that you need production from is a benefit compared to where you were five minutes ago.
Ryan Cortez has responded on Twitter about this move. What? All caps, six question marks. Okay, now I've had enough. Fire rally.
I can't imagine PJ Tucker and his level of despondency. He's got to hate the heat now.
He went from loving the heat, I just want nothing but to come back there, because they tried to get him, and then he went somewhere else, and she's like, yeah, I definitely want to come back. Oh, sweet, I'm back. Holy shit.
Do you think he was on a plane already? PJ? If we can find out the travel of PJ Tucker.
That's a great one. Did you mean to do that?
Was he on his way? Here? No. So he was waiting until 3 p.m.? I'm pretty sure when they do the deal, they tell him, hey, man, don't book that flight yet. You think that the Heat were already knowing that Anderson was not going to be able to be moved?
You tell his agent there. Just so you know, it could be you. You got to get under the tax. We're going to probably move you.
David, right now, other than guys like Luka Doncic, for all these flotsam, salary flotsam— Jetsam, even— Sure. A Greg Cody moment right there. Meet George Jetsam. That's a good Greg Cody moment. But for all these guys, nobody gets on a plane. Everyone just hold on, relax, until we figure out where all the pieces will land. You think Butler didn't get on a plane?
He's the Jetsam? No. The non-Jetsam? The non-Jetsam, yes. I'm trying to be cool here. Never heard that expression before. Flotsam? You ever heard Flotsam and Jetsam? I've never heard Flotsam and Jetsam. Am I, again, the only one in the room? No, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Okay, thank you. Flotsam is like debris, and then it's like this is the debris.
They were also the pair of moray eels in The Little Mermaid.
Eels, that's what they were.
Never saw it. You never saw The Little Mermaid? No, I wouldn't watch movies like that with my kids. I wouldn't watch movies like that.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake. You dream about going up there, but that is a big mistake. Just look at the world around you right here on the ocean floor.
But now it's Barack.
I don't know. That might, no, no. You put him on tilt. No, no. You finally did it. Not because I can't, but because I won't. Mitch McConnell doesn't want you under the seat. Well, Mitch McConnell wants me to stay under the seat. That's what it is. The folks across the aisle, they don't want us to get off the land.
Let Cortez in. He's in the waiting room.
Did you guys see Mitch McConnell fell?
Oh, my God. Three times.
Both sides of the aisle fall.
Cortez.
Is Cortez here?
Different background or no?
This is what I'm excited to see.
He's back in Japan.
Oh, no. Same. He has the same glasses. Ryan Cortez. Where were you when you found out that PJ Tucker was true? Japan, clearly.
Oh, my God. I can't believe this. This is like literally gut. This hurts me more than not getting Durant. The idea that they're going to lose PJ. You've got to be kidding me.
Can you reveal where you are so we can emotionally have a visual on your actual true self?
If there's a P.J. Tucker poster behind you... Oh, man.
It's so sad because there's the photo that I love when Andy Ellsberg... That's Andy.
Cortez has a framed photo of the back of Andy Ellsberg. That's right. That's an iconic photo, yeah. But explain the moment, though. I don't expect everybody to know that Andy Ellsberg's back is an iconic thing for you guys.
Sure. No, the moment is Nikoli Jokic commits a crime on the court and he hits Marquise Morris in the back. And the whole team is being held back by Andy Ellsberg, of all people, menacingly looking like we're going to kick Jokic's ass. And I got the photo framed and then they played Jokic and they never did anything. So it's sort of a nothing moment now.
Cortez, I hesitate to point out the obvious metaphor here, which is that Andy Ellsberg has turned his back to you.
Yeah.
You know he's the one that did it, right? Well, I don't know because there's five people that make decisions, but I'm at the point now where I've had enough of Riley. I'm good. I'm good on Pat Riley. Thank you for everything you've done. Please, please leave. I've had enough.
Cortez, I'm gonna dig deeper with you on this. I'm gonna dig deeper with you on this. So Pat Riley may have made the decision, hey, we've gotta get under, but the man who made the numbers sing is Andy Ellsberg. And them numbers be singing. Let's go ahead and edit this.
Whoa!
Them numbers be singing. Better you than me, man. Them numbers be singing.
It'd be the worst background I've ever seen of anyone who's been on the air. I mean, he has a parakeet jersey.
Well, watch your mouth. You sit in a literal glove. Like, who are you talking about with backgrounds?
It's not a little glove at all.
You literally sit in a glove.
You have a 69 jersey that you're covering with your head.
It's a parakeet 69 jersey. Show some respect.
Well, that's covering a Haslam jersey. Right. Don't you think we'd rather see the Haslam jersey than the parakeet 69? It's retired.
I have a Jimmy Butler jersey that I tried to put here and I was going to put tape over it, but I don't have any of the tape. So instead, I just have been using it to blow my nose. But listen, I've had enough of Pat Riley. Please.
The Miami Heat are now $1.96 million below the first apron. Congratulations. That's a winner. Yep. They did it.
They also upgraded players in that move, too.
This is the part that Parakeet doesn't want to.
Davion Mitchell is a much better player than P.J. Tucker at a position they need him to play.
allegedly i like davion mitchell he has been referred to in the past as one of those guys that is sort of a heat culture player who's not on the heat yet i understand the interest getting rid of pj tucker is offensive to me like that's like the thing that you can't do that's ridiculous
I just like how that euphemism, he's like a heat culture player who's not in the heat yet, means can't shoot, seems to try hard, would enjoy being yelled at. Good at defense.
You're a Ben Simmons fan and you're going to sit there and talk trash. You would be grateful to have a heat culture player. You had a heat culture player in your midst and you didn't know what to do with him because your organization is a bumbling bunch of fools.
Pretty damning argument there. Jimmy Butler has never been better than he was during that Sixers run. That should have been a finals run.
what he was better the two and three years after that when he was actually in the finals 56 points what are you talking about crazy i'm not ending the day with ryan cortez on the screen in front of we're at the end of the day already jersey i'm just not doing it 69 it's i'm not allowing i just what is your objection to parakeet 69 jersey it's if i have multiple parakeet do you want one listen it's nice
No doubt. Jinx. Listen, the other day on Mystery Crate.
This friendship between Roy and Samson is really throwing me off.
The other day on Mystery Crate, we did a top 10 list of the best numbers. And I believe 69 did crack the top 10. It was a very confusing list to listen to, but it was a very good. Don't worry, though.
We'll get Chris's top 100 numbers by week every week for the next 99 weeks on Mystery Crate. So everyone has that to look forward to.
I think that's what the Super Bowl is actually going to come down to.
Oh, yeah. They're doing that, huh?
Yeah. Finally, we mentioned Super Bowl.
By the way, you know, last year's, this year's Super Bowl licks. Next year, also Super Bowl licks. LX. Oh, yeah.
Goodbye, everyone.
Licking it.
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