Rachel Scanlon
Appearances
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Just dropped. We also have, like, weird overlaps, you and I. Yeah? Because I had a special come out called Hot and Hungry. You haven't heard of it because nobody watched it. No, I've seen clips of it, though.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
You have seen clips of it. Your special the same year was called? Sweet. Sweet and Salty. Oh, wait. Oh, so I'm thinking of maybe your more recent one.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
But that's the other overlap where I was, like, in full baby pink. Like, my bright pink moment. Yeah, yeah. And I'm thinking to myself. Twins. Twins.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
separated at birth that's right are jackson are is jacks also married to me and going between when you're on the road she's coming to my house she might be going pink bright pink and then when i go on the road she goes over to your home where you guys live and it's like bright pink we got that's so funny you know what made me think of the to do a bright pink suit there's a the the latest bachelor guy
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I was going to wear a different pinker vest, and they said it morayed on camera. Really? Yeah. What does that even fucking mean? You know I don't know. I don't know what that means. So I had to go to Target in that moment and cut sleeves off of just a button up and I cropped it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
To be fair, a bowling shirt does rock. It does rock. One of my largest pet peeves of being a handsome person and trying to look fancy is that I oftentimes look like a waiter who works at the event. Okay, I get that because I do look like a valet right now.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Also, I was in, not to brag, Davenport, Iowa.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
And this beautiful butch person came up to me and was like, oh, you're so funny, blah, blah, blah. I was like, thank you so much. And then I don't know what, because I'd never said this phrase before, but as I was saying goodbye, I said, and keep it handsome. Yeah, I love it. And then as I walked away, in my head I went, did that person think they got a photo with Fortune Feature? I hope so.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Stay twanned. And make sure you get those. Anyways, I want to talk just a brief second about New Year's Eve. Yeah. Because for the longest time, I think there's a lore of Christmas Eve. Oh, sorry. New Year's Eve. The lore of New Year's Eve is... How there's so much buildup for the straight community. Yeah. And then a gigantic letdown. Right.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
But it is such a great, I mean, what a great, fun podcast that you have. Yeah. Like, handsome fucking rocks. Thank you. Do you guys do live shows as well?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Get the people physically together. Exactly. Super fun. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I know. Like right. I think I still had my henna on. You did. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I miss it. I know. I need to get hand tattoos yesterday.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
It's very sexy. It's a move. Do you have any tattoos at all? No, I'm a wuss.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I'm trying to kind of fill it up. I'm trying to get, but I think this would be next.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
The colorful, I like the big colorful.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I turn around, I have a full eagle in my bag.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Just a little. Oh, my God. I did get a kiss on my ass when we did Moon Tower. On your ass? Yeah. I woke up one day and I needed an ass tattoo. Yeah. I was like, today's the day.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Her ass. Yeah. Brought Kenny with. Yeah, it was cute. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I was running Two Dykes and a Mic as an open mic. And my ex at the time, we ran it together. We broke up. Kenny was there. Fate shoved us together. And then we've been doing this ever since.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
And when your wife is not wooed by celebrity, that makes all of that like nasty, gross LA stuff just like completely just poke through. It's just like, oh, so this isn't like cool and shiny to you. You're just like, these people won't look me in the eyes at parties. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
A lot of buildup. A lot of pomp. Yeah. A lot of circumstance. Right. A lot of I do this and then you do that, which is my my least favorite thing ever. Of all of heterosexuality is that I think that so many straight people are like playing the part that they believe they're meant to be playing. And that you see that played out on New Year's Eve. Now I have a question for you. For sure.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
selling tank tops you can tap right here that's so fucking real right yes I'm just like I'm sorry I know that's just so God bless her when I met my now wife she's working at a homeless shelter she keeps working at different non-profits yeah and then it's like hey could you actually just take a picture of me on stage will you have a free moment yeah and post it for me thank you I know they're just that's love right yeah that's amore yeah that's amore yeah
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I've been loving doing that, too, where we're like, let's go pop back in, kiss our wives, kiss your dog.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Reset, kind of go back. Otherwise, it does feel, because then, yeah, three years goes by and that helps the back and forth. It's nice. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
NYE is actually pretty high up there. And what is that? Why? I think because the way that it felt for me for a long time, closeted and otherwise, was you kind of have to get through the holidays as a queer person. New Year's Eve is where you're actually back with your actual community. So to me, I had already flown back home.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Well, also, how many times in your single life have you gone to pride being like, maybe I'll meet somebody and you meet a horrific human? Yeah, that happens plenty. That happens almost every year. Right, yeah. That's so cute. A pride romance success story in another city is like,
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
You're out here showing that it's possible.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Not for the most part. For the most part. As like an adult person. Yeah. It has been like because it's also such I think it's also hard as like a sober person because so much of New Year's Eve was like maybe next year I won't be an alcoholic. Yeah. And now as somebody who feels settled and adjusted, I feel like it is number one holiday. My most favorite holiday is probably Valentine's Day.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I'm like, that's the type of shit. I'm so love-obsessed. Amore. Amore.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
that's amore i've been so that's amore you're in your love era right now you just got married you're in the honeymoon phase something so powerful too about like you've been together for 10 years you're like meeting at a pride event like also just like queer people finding each other something's different about jackson there was there was still going that's so cute that's so
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
That's so fucking powerful. Congrats to you guys.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I feel like it's so cool, too, to see how touring changes. Because 15 years ago, you must have been down the road before Chelsea lately.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
worked my way up wow many many years that's great yeah i i think i was less than two years in and uh for whatever reason well i mean not for whatever reason i was working at a comedy club who the owner was a college booker so she would sometimes throw me a bone but i was by no means ready to like showcase for naca do whatever i was given a college gig two years in they were like can you do a an hour plus clean and i said for sure
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
You've never spoken an hour without a break. Oh, no.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I did. I didn't even think, because now I know there are comics that are younger on that if they don't have that time, they'll turn it into a Q&A.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
It's a good one. A lot of people fucking hate it, though. A lot of people hate Valentine's Day. If my core essence isn't loving things that people hate, I don't know what it is. True. I think number one is Valentine's Day. Number two is probably New Year's Eve. Wow. I love a reset. And I think it's also a holiday that feels like mostly kissing.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
And you get to be like, it's a college show. We're learning. We're learning. I had no idea. I just stretched, stretched, stretched, stretched. Oh, you did the gig. Oh, of course I did.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
And it was very low attended. Some college shows are just like 30 people in a cafeteria. It is exactly that, if not less. And my mom and my youth pastor drove to Iowa to come watch it. No, they didn't.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Your youth pastor, too. Yeah. They came together. Shout out, Linda. They were like, our baby. Our baby made it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
That's the worst. That phrase is so what? It's not usually like this.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I feel like, too, because we were raised on Chelsea lately. So when we were coming up getting to see, like, oh, here's, like, an openly queer person that has a fucking cool job in L.A., I was like, okay, so if... You can just be, like, curly-haired Ginger Dyke and just go to L.A. and, like, make it happen. And you've done that, and you are continuing.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
It is. Wait, when did you come out, then? You said it took you a little later?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
But how often on this podcast are we talking about the queer timeline?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
And you're like, no, but I'm super good at arm wrestling. If that's what you mean by dating. Yeah, I'm deeply dating a lot of men.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Also, we asked you, what was the hottest thing you've seen from the L word? And you're like, when they all got brunch. Come on. That's beautiful.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Well, here's what's weird. I think most of my... A life as somebody who's consciously excited for New Year's Eve, I have spent... So much time usually planning to be around the person that you're trying to kiss.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
She was actually ripped. I think the coffee being such an important moment is something to be said for like when you're raised. I was raised religious that like gayness is like such a sin that sometimes just seeing people drink a coffee that are openly gay and not bursting into flames.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Right, especially if you're a town of 8,000 people, and then you're like, wait, there's multiple queer people, and they get to be friends with each other.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Silent yelled at on a train. You know what I mean?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Yeah. Are you guys afraid of your wives?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I was JWing if like we're all scared of our wives and if that's just something that connects us.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I met your wife just a few times recently and I respond very well to that type of energy. I'm like, whatever you say is a yes and I'm fully dialed in. It's fun to be around.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Right. Yeah. I'm talking I'm planning months in advance to make sure that we're at the same party at the same time. You got to get that smooch.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
It's like, well, I bombed. With me and my wife, it's like I like everything and everyone. I like everything. I like everyone.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
It's like super easy to please. I love most of media that I've ever seen. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I love it. And she is such a harsher critic. And she doesn't trust as many people. She's not as open.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
She is very particular with the books that she reads, the media that she watches. And then when she turns that to me and is like, she loves me so much. And I'm like, I must be...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Well, that's what we've learned. Not only, I didn't know you could be friends.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
If by Halloween you don't know who your smooch is going to be. Game over. Game fucking over.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Yeah, I feel like I was trying to... I also didn't know a lot of queer people. So then when I met them, I thought that it was our duty to have sex with each other and kiss because I was like, when else am I going to?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
But then with Mackenzie, it was like, oh, wait a second. Queer friendship is like... Yeah. It was something that... Because I've only been friends with gay people.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Yeah. Listen, that's how it goes. Yeah. It's really cool. But I think also same with like on Handsome 2. It's like you're looking and like when you're listening to those things and you're making these things, it's like...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Yeah, it's done. Yeah, I feel like, yeah, I think that's why the holiday is so good because you're planning, it's edging a kiss until midnight. It's edging one kiss. Edging one, and that is lesbian culture.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
yes we're super super fucking funny of course we're all professional comedians but the queer friendship aspect is something that like I always want to see more of it's because I can't even consume enough of it we can't make enough of it there isn't enough of it so I'm always just like
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
clamoring for more queer friendships out there being funny too it's like let us laugh being gay doesn't have to be the worst thing it doesn't have to always be crying and coming out of the closet this heavy heavy thing yeah let's laugh and squirt together speaking of squirting for sure what a perfect segue you guys were like that was so beautiful thank you and you had to ruin it
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Yeah. I could have seen that be the start.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
D on D. I feel like this is how you always review.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Blue is the warmest color remake of Wicked. My mouth almost said Shrek out of habit. Stop. Out of habit. My brain was just like.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Sex Life. Full frontal there. Yeah. Do you remember? Speaking of Carmen, no, right? Yeah, she was an hour.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Be horny! I miss season one of that show because the world was better back then. It was. Things were chill.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I need those straight people horned up. Now we need full frontal. Yes!
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
fucking hard in the face I literally was like Leah our editor if I turn black like edit it out because it really you know there's a bit of a spring on the cup you know I love it it's really scary out here Brad Summer was just like people saying I'm having a Brad Summer right yeah did you listen to the album did it mean anything to me yeah it meant like I'm ready to party okay and get fucked and yeah and smoke a cigarette
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
For fortune, red summer means my thong is on. I'm having a monogamous marriage.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Drunk Anderson Cooper feels really good, like a reset of the year. Yeah, I guess I want younger and gayer hosts.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Well, she went from zero to gay. She went from Barbie.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I think that whole era, the brat, the Billie Eilish coming out, her doing that article where she's like, I knew I was gay because I wanted a vagina in my face. Her quote.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
That whole week was a gigantic success.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
gay step forward and gay right movement for sure that's actually what stonewall was about that was a wild that was when time was good yeah life was good for 2024 i'm like that was a really exciting we should have stopped there we should have stopped yeah that was a good moment um after that we also have kamala in college there was a picture of kamala harris in college that went viral oh the mcdonald's photo no no
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Hold on. There's a picture of Kamala Harris in college.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Good for you. Is this it? That's not even it. Hold on. No, but it's close. Thar.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I think that a lot of queer people saw this and then took this to their barber and said, give me that haircut, self-included. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Was she in San Francisco then? Yeah, I'm sure.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Sorry. Yeah, I want to see. I do. And this is actually maybe this is my it's a New Year's resolution for media for 2025. I'm begging to see more butch lesbos. Yeah. In. Public eye. Yeah. I want to see, like, masculine news reporters. Yeah. I want to see masculine cartoon characters. Okay, yeah. Okay, yes, Rachel Maddow. But I'm talking more. Okay. Further. Yeah. Butcher. Butcher. Masker.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
What do you think is the queerest event at the Olympics? Queerest events? Wrestling feels, yeah, very queer.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I feel like that moment too where Celine and Adele hug feels like very important as well.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Okay, tongue, fine. Tongue, open mouth. I feel like too, it's just like that feels, I'm now understanding like when men love a crossover in Marvel, I go, oh, that's what they like about it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Yeah. That they're like, it's Adele and Celine embracing. I understand now why they make those movies.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
And I was like, yes! If that ain't us, though, I'm like, yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I would put... I'm trying to think of who's butch enough.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Love to. Would you do that? Lady and the Tramp a hot dog?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Yeah. Because who even do we have for, like, butch major?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I feel like we're going to have to know who sent you that. They haven't said, like, LOL, it's me. It's Tom Papa's burner phone.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Oh, my God. That means that somebody sent a full-on wiener pic to Fortune Feimster on accident, which is so funny. So funny and queer.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
And if you're only listening to this podcast, you have to watch it so you can see that hot dog picture. It's unreal.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Wait, I guess, can I ask one more question and then we'll go? You can do whatever you want. Do you have any, like, 2025 manifestations or goals or things you'd like to see in the new year? Hmm.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
And I'm Rachel Scanlina-Lee. We're so happy that you're here.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Also, Wanda Sykes comes to mind because she's already such a loose cannon that I want to see her a couple, Couple drinks in. Deeply. Going like, and you know what else? Yeah. Like, mad. Big time. Like, mad. I want someone with loose lips and secrets to spill. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. I want Cara Delevingne telling me who she railed with Wanda Sykes egging her on. That's two great people. Right?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I feel like I also want to have an hour that I love. I really want to, like, it's been floating around. So, like, I want to leave space to be, like, as funny as I can possibly be. And I want to make sure that, like, I'm putting out things that I, like, am proud of and I laugh at. And I don't know, I'm excited to be married for a year.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
So doing the holidays and doing all this stuff where it's like, because we got married at the end of this year, I'm very excited to have a full year married where like all of those things would be like, and we're as a married couple doing it. So I'm like very, I guess I'm manifesting, I don't know, you guys, I'm so amore. You know what I mean?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
More amore for me and for everyone. Mm-hmm.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Good material, good, like feeling strong in the things that I'm saying with the person that I love for an entire year in the face of an insane presidency.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Yeah, is what I'm thinking. Fill your cup up.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
If your amore is not up, you can't give your amore out.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I'm Rachel Scanlon. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. I love fortune fiends, sir. Go do something gay today. Bye-bye.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I do believe Cara is sober. Same. But let's think of...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
It would be a fun dynamic, too, because it's really fun.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I like seeing queer people from different worlds somehow colliding. Yeah. Where, like, that feels exciting to me.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
How fun would that be? That's the world. That's the America I want. I know, me too. And I literally don't think we're asking for much.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Okay, imagine a bitter Kamala Harris. Sorry, it's sad, but how fun. She's like, who gives a fuck? I want national secrets spilled.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I want... Kamala Harris to go take a shit in Mar-a-Lago and then they're live streaming it on TikTok right before it gets banned. She's laughing, running away, pulling up her pants. Yes.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I feel like. This type of energy. We are all, as the queer community, a woman scorned. Big time. And that's going to make an insane 2025 for better or for worse.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Do you know what I keep trying so hard? There's like this huge part of me that when it comes to a second Trump presidency as a so desperately wants to take this horrible, hateful disaster and say, let's rise above. Let's have queer joy. Let's support each other. Let's like, let's John together. Yeah. But the reality is I really just want Kamala Harris to go take a dump at Mar-a-Lago.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
And I'm working on somehow marrying the two. Maybe that's my goal for 2025 is how to spread queer joy in the face of such a horrific. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
We have a huge, huge exciting guest. Yeah. Icon. Yeah. Queer legend. Yeah. My twan, if you will. Your twin. My twan. Also, if you're listening to this episode, make sure you get tickets to come see me on the road. I'm going to be touring January, February, March, and you're going to love it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Yeah. And... That's our way of rising above. That's the least we can do. You know what I mean? When they go low, go lower. Go lower. That's what we're always saying here.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
So enjoy this episode. Happy New Year's Eve. I hope you kiss the girl of your dream, the they of your dream, the boy of your dream. Or the dog of your heart. Of your heart. I hope everyone gets kissed. I love you so much. I love you too. This year has been insane and I'm so glad that we get to do this together. Now enjoy our interview with Fortune Feimster.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I noticed right away from your special, we use the same suit designer, James Ford. Yeah. You do? That's right.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
We had him on as a guest years ago, and we've known him forever. But basically, kind of similarly, when I was getting married, I was like, well, also, LOL, getting married, some people would still, the first question they would ask is like, well, what kind of dress are you going to wear? Yeah. Which is hilarious with that haircut. I would laugh.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
And the cities are Minneapolis and Boston and Portland, Brooklyn, Philly, Atlanta, Nashville, Sacramento, San Francisco, Salt Lake City, March 6th, Boise, March 7th, Toronto, Buffalo, Vancouver, and Edmonton. So I'll be ending in Canada. Whoa. January, February and March. The first half of those cities are already starting to sell out. Unreal. So come check out a show.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Sometimes Mackenzie just choke laughs thinking about me in a wedding dress.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
I think also there's like a certain generation of lesbians, even however butch and masc they are, that they're like, when I'm formal, it's a dress. Yeah. For the culture. Yeah. For the culture. They're like, if I'm going to do a wedding. Yeah. I'm going to be pretty in a dress. I'm going to bring my best dress.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Yeah. Anything with straps, I'm just overwhelmed. Or Adidas slides. I'm actually here for an Adidas slide.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
What did? The bottom one. Look at us. I wonder what that was. Wait, we have our wide. We have our single on 4G. Sorry, new nickname. 3G.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
It's like looking into the eyes of like... If I was gone, everyone would be like, it's the same podcast. It's exactly... Okay, great. And that all makes sense. Anywhere pink. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
Thank you. The bubblegum pink. Oh wait, all this to say, I was getting married and I was, I did the thing of like, I'm going to go to like a suit shop type of thing where they kind of take your measurements, yada yada. It became so quickly apparent to me that like I will need a custom suit by a person who makes suits for like queer people. I'm like, I'm needing to, I'm also like surprisingly curvy.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
In like the weirdest places. So when James, he made me a like raspberry pink suit for like New Year's Eve last year. And then I was like, wait, of course, I'm going to need a tuxedo a la James Ford. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
And I was, I turned my mom's dress into a cape to clip on to my tuxedo jacket. Oh, that's cool.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
If we're going to do it, let's do it. How'd you decide on bright pink? You were like, that was the vibe?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#293 - That’s Amore with Fortune Feimster
You'll literally love it and you'll laugh your little face off. And then in April, you and I are going to be in the United Kingdom.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Also, I just want to say if you're... I grew a tail. If you are... I want to say it's really beautiful to see how many people are helpful. Yeah. It's also super scary. So make sure you're taking care of yourself if you're in LA. I'm looking at you, Ken. And also...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
If you're, I want to just say, this is kind of, it's like whatever, but I just want to say, if you are struggling with like drinking too much during this time, because I was getting reflective because during the pandemic, it feels similar to the pandemic.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Yes. So I was just remembering. Because, yeah, same thing. Nazar and I, we went through the pandemic together. And now this. And I got sober during the pandemic. And I remember, as I'm sure you do, when that first hit, those stay-at-home orders. Yeah. is when I started realizing that I had an issue drinking.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I had known it, but it started to really hit my consciousness around that time because you realize when your routine gets mixed up, you can see things easier, whatever. I wanted to just say that I'm starting to see my sobriety for the longest time around that pandemic time. It felt really like this overwhelming burden that I have to deal with.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I was like, my sobriety is burdening me because it's this challenge that I have to figure out. And now... however many years later, five years later, four years later, whatever, I'm realizing that my sobriety is this thing that's really helping me. And I just want people to know it's like a journey, obviously. I relapsed several times between 2020 and now.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I'm like, yeah, that's all. Well, also, we're professional comedians and it isn't to joke about. That being said, I'm super useless in these situations and all I've been doing. I mean, other than I'm like sending, I'm driving supplies over to the Pasadena Job Center. However, my other free time is spent writing down things I'm letting go. And what are you letting go of?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I think I've had a... And it'll be something that I deal with for my whole life. However, I just want to, if you're dealing with that, to give yourself, like, it can be something that is a really beautiful part of your life eventually. And, like, I think...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
if you're living through these fires right now, if you're not able to be as helpful as you think you can be or you're dealing with the guilt of, like, your issues that are coming back up, there's people that can do more and there's people that can do less, but you just got to take care of yourself. And it's really beautiful to see everyone coming together. And, like, if you...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
if you can help, can, but also like take care of yourself. Take care of yourself first.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Yes. Yeah. Because we're going to, LA is going to rebuild. We're going to get through this. We're going to be okay. Yeah. And also thanks for being here. We fucking love you.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I couldn't, I didn't know what was going on, but I opened my TikTok app and I just saw people being like, I'm glad he cheated on you.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And so she does this mean she's a Trump supporter or she just has no price for her soul? I think both.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
So she's going to that sucks because you know what I love? Oh, Sunday night. You know what I mean? Like, I love. Yeah, but we should have known.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And that's why I say the NFL should only be those trumpets.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
That's like, yeah, that's across the aisle. yeah we're safe we're safe here no but if you put a blonde in a miniskirt with boots okay okay okay okay i'm out what a bitch dude fuck her i can't believe this but unfortunately like that's it for me for what carrie do you know that was one of my go-to karaoke songs
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I was letting go of like a lot of things that I'm trying to like leave in 2024 because it's still January.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And what I'm inferring is not the music. It's like if you need a different pair to look at. Here's the pair. Hey. I'm at work. I hate it. And if you need something else to listen to. Boom. They're out. They're out. They're white.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Wait, they're going to be at the Inagi? They're opening it. God, my hair looks bad. That's insane. Yeah. But I would say, honestly, stinkers.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Village people opening for Carrie Underwood. It feels like if Chapel Roan was like, I'm going to play Hot to Go quick at the inauguration. It's a gay anthem.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Loves kissing men. Local dyke found loving kissing men. Let me say a couple of things about kissing men. Have you ever kissed a man? First kiss was a boy.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Underage. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah. Believe it. But this is let me let me pin it to you this way. Paint the picture. We were best friends. All of my friends were boys. So let's just start there.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
All of my friends are boys and we liked to skate together. We were skaters. So his older brother knew how to ollie, which if you know anything about skateboarding, which I assume you do. I know a lot about. I know you do. Melancholy. Hi. Yeah, I know a lot about Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 on N64. Yeah, I'm a lesbo. Yes, I had a Nintendo and all I played was Tony Hawk. Duh. I own 17 long boards.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
His older brother was teaching us how to ollie, which I... That's hard. That's hard. Yes. And then we stopped and I said, it's about time. Yes, it was my idea. Yes, I micromanaged the whole event. Yes, it was weird. And we kissed. And I brought Nazara, my wife, to that spot over Christmas. And I said, this is where I had my first kiss. That's really cute. And I said, I prefer boys to girls.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Please. Please. Well, except for they were like, you were supposed to write it down on a letter and burn it, and I was like...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I was a late bloomer, but I didn't realize... I don't think... Third grade is not a late blooming. It's Taylor's oldest time. When I was in third grade, I was like, I'm late. Everyone out here is... Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
15 yeah that's okay but at the time at that time when I was in third grade everyone was playing zap do you know what I'm talking about do you know what zap is I don't know what zap is may I sure here's what you did All of your friends will grab your hand. They would write a boy's name on the inside. On the outside, they would put a time of day, like 1.32, okay?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
If you were spotted looking at the name before the time, you had to ask them out or kiss them, okay? I was playing Zap a lot.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Okay. And I knew that. This is new to me. Okay. I'm here for this game. I think it must be regional if you're not aware of it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
So everyone was playing Zap on the playground during recess. How old? elementary school, so I'm in third grade thinking everyone is playing Zap, everyone's doing it, and I was such a boy that I kept having to counteract how visibly boyish I looked. So I was like, if I can somehow... Lipstick? Tons of lipstick.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Also, all of my friends were boys, so I was like, this is so much easier for me to do because all of the other girls only hung out with girls. You know everyone would do boy games and girl games at that time in elementary school? And I was always playing the boy games. They would be like boys plus Rachel chase girls when we're playing tag, that type of shit. So I was... Kids, no.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
This is what I'm saying. Kids, no. Kids, no. They're like, there's boys and Rachel. Yeah. No, I was a part of the car club.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I think we... Yeah, we got it. So I knew people were zapping and stuff. So I was like, I better zap before it's too late. So you kissed... So my first kiss was in third grade. Wow, that's young. But then I don't think... It was not a French kiss. Mine was... 10th grade, I think. Oh, high school? High school, yeah. But then it was probably a real kiss. Mine was not a real kiss.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I wouldn't consider it a real kiss. I'm screaming. What was his name? I do not remember. And that's what I'm talking about. But I remember he was Greek. Okay.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
See, I think I've only kissed like two boys. And by the time I got to my second kiss in high school, I had already kissed women. Women kiss better. Zoe's right. Women kiss better. Zoe's right. And I do think that this is a very bisexual thing that I hear a lot. Yeah. Is bi women love kissing girls.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
come on like are you come on if you're any type of wrestler come on like fucking what no of course you are i can smell the rock is cooking and he's cooking up homosexuality
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Then how come every time we're on the road, we're in fucking Cincinnati or Toronto. Because we have nothing else to watch. And you come into my hotel room and you go, can we watch wrestling? Here's what I love. I love seeing... Don't come up in front of... Don't behind closed doors beg me to watch wrestling and then you come on your podcast and you go, I don't do that.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Without your permission? Yeah. The first burn? The first. I would divorce. Do you know how important a first burn is? Okay. Do you have any idea how important that is? And then she has the audacity to go.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Now I'm sweating. Wait. This is what I will say.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And I like that. I like that. I like when they pick up their friend. Yeah. Their bestie. One of them is upside down. Oh, I love when they're upside down. Their legs go over their shoulders.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
You have Alan Cumming. I love... So a lot of... If you don't watch Traitors, it's basically... Yeah, walk us through it. A bunch of...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
reality show stars it's like our marvel crossover for people who love reality tv and then they're all playing a very campy game of like who done it and it's really fun but i really liked watching so i've not this is my first time watching the show i've never seen nazara loves traitors i had no idea
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And the audience knows, so it's really fun to get to watch. But I really liked watching that first episode. So a lot of times they don't necessarily know each other. Like some people from like Survivor don't necessarily know the housewives.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I know, but I fear that they might be powerful when they're together. Anyways, I really liked watching, because this is very true to form. When I was sitting there watching, they're all kind of getting to know each other, and the queer people... are naturally starting to find each other, to clock each other, to go like, okay, you're in the royal family, but you're got it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
You, us, like I was, oh, you might know me from The Bachelor and then I'm now I'm a lesbian. We're always like, and this is so, this is such queer people. Whenever we're in groups, we're going, you, then that makes us an ally to each other. And it's fun to see.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Alan Cummings coming. Whatever. Cummings, Goings. All of it, I love. Who knows? When I was designing my tuxedo for the wedding, a lot of his outfits were on my vision board. Yeah. Because I don't know if my cape came out of here. He has so many brooches.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Rachel? No, I'm upset. Here's the thing. Can I say something? Can I say eight things? No. Can I say like a hundred things? Go ahead. Did you say no at first? Yeah. And then immediately change your mind? Dude, I miss you. I miss you. This fire is literally... I'm not doing well. We're not doing well. Yeah, I mean, we are safe. Our neighborhood... Are we? Half of it is safe. It's...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Of all his work. Spy Kids. Nazara brought up Tonka immediately.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Spice World, Spy Kids, is undeniable. No, it's really, I just love, like, I love, well, here's the thing about me.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
If you're like the lesbian grandmas in your family. It was scissoring.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I can't believe Jodie Foster didn't do that when she was on crutches at that award show. She needs to, man. It's like from scissing to. Way too hard. Yes. A thousand percent. I, speaking of filling your cup during a fire. Yeah. Have you been having scary, like we're so scared, but have sex one more time in the house before it's gone type of vibes? Or is that insane?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Yeah. Once we packed up everything and then we came back to the house, I was like... Once it was less of a scary situation.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
It doesn't seem serious because you're literally, this feels like a private episode and I know it's not.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Okay. You know how they're like, you got to keep everything charged in case you lose power. Did you?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I know. People, I kept, so I've been donating like before they were like, this is too many clothes. I was like donating clothes and I was like, there's going to be some people out there looking like full on a dyke.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Yeah. If you need unopened sex toys, let us know. We're doing our part. Dude, it's insane. When I'm grabbing supplies to go bring, it looks like I'm hoarding because I'm loading up carts and carts of bottled water and toilet paper and baby formula. And people are looking at me like... I think people know. Everyone out here is donating.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
But I've come up with quips. Do you want to hear them? No. Of course, dude. You can't. I'm a Cancer. So am I. So I know.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
What if I need to shit? Okay, sorry. I would laugh hard. Okay, whenever people see me with too much toilet paper, I go, ugh, Taco Bell, am I right? They go, the new Chalupa. That one, people hate. And then the water one, I just say I'm really thirsty. But I am. Also, we are still using what? You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Okay, so that has been it for G-G-G-Gay News News.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Also, I have to, before we get into our next segment, because I do want to review a movie that we both stress-saw together.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Yes, there was. I said, more. I'm screaming at ecstasy water. I looked over at Nazara. I said, that's GHB. She goes, what's that? And I'm like, it's ecstasy water.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Oh, my God. Maybe you should have taken the day off. Maybe.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I like that because you're aging into right where you're supposed to be, which is.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Okay, wait, I have to say, I've added another Vancouver show. I have to. Yeah. It's on March 22nd because the Vancouver original show sold out. So we added one at like 6 p.m. If you want to get that, it's going to be now available when this episode comes out. So make sure you get those. And all of the shows that happened last week were sold out, and I'm so grateful.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And there's still tickets available for Brooklyn, Philly, Atlanta, Nashville, Sacramento, and San Francisco. And it's in the same link. But we're adding one specifically for Vancouver, and I can't wait to go see. And Two Dykes will be dropping our spring tour. Is it spring that's come next? Or is it fall next? What's the next season? Spring. Spring will be coming, I'm thinking, in two weeks.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
God, I mentioned my litter was just, I drew two huge tits. No, that's really good. That's really good. No, I was... It's bam. I don't even know. I can't believe how... I mean, we're really tired because we're super lucky, but we're just, we're on high alert, you know?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
We don't know. We hope. We hope. Yeah, we'll see.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
You know how when you look at movies, they say if they're sci-fi or romance or whatever, this one's described itself as erotic.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Nazara was like, why was I so tense? And I'm like, I think that's the thriller aspect of it. Yeah, but there was...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
It's so awful. What's awful? She-E-O. Oh, that's illegal.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And the porn is like a little bit. It's it's relevant. The porn is kind of like where one guy is like telling a girl what to do. So that's we're seeing like that's what she's into. And also it doesn't feel important to the plot. But I do want you know that she's masturbating. Face down. Can I tell you?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
The one thing that Nicole Cinnamon is going to be doing, it's masturbating face down. Well, I was like, how many times has she done this exact same scene?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Sometimes, and I feel like... And you know what? Sue me if you must. Sometimes you have to masturbate face down. Well, I'm just like... I feel like this was... Nicole Kidman was like... I know what to do. I think I know what to do here. It does feel like, hey, Nicole... Imagine I'm going up and I'm going like, hey, Nicole, and it's Nicole Kidman. Hey, Nicole.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Nicole, for the scene any way you want. And I do feel like it's coming from within. Don't you think?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Because if you're masturbating face down, which no disrespect, you should. Ha ha ha! Doesn't it seem like her, not all wrists, but her wrists in particular would be smashed. Spiral sprain. As somebody with that type of... You can't masturbate face down.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And you know what? Here it is. Yeah. Maybe because... her body type would be described as frail and wavy that may be because okay me a heavier set as and i'm not and this i'm pro all bodies literally a heavier set don't point your marker at your little set you have no idea what it's like i don't have a heavier set thank you you oh you bitch Oh, God.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Somebody once was like, oh, couldn't you get a breast reduction? And I'm like, oh, you don't understand what I'm going for here. I'm not going for reduced. I'm going for zero percent milk. Okay. Okay. What were you going to say? As somebody who's heavier set, if I were to put my whole body weight on my arm in order to... But you have sturdier wrists.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I've sturdier wrists, but still, I'm a heavier set. I think I would lose feeling in my arm, but then maybe some people are into that. All I'm here to say is maybe because of her waif-like figure, she can get there. It just seems like for what? For who? I don't know. I feel like that's common, though. I think it's like 50-50. People are either on their back or they're flipped over.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And this is what I'll say. Yeah. so don't here's what i'll say and bail is the most you shit i feel nuts oh okay okay so okay so the movie is can i ask you yeah do you think the male lead which i won't look up his name leah can flash it or not do you think he's like very hot
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Yeah, so she's on all fours sometimes. She drinks a treat out of his hand. Honestly, some very exciting stuff. It was a very fun movie. Tell me what your thoughts were. I liked almost everything about this movie. I liked the score.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Get on the watch duty app. Anytime anything happens, which is very frequently. Mm-hmm. and our phones are on alert right now, all I do is I panic, and then I call you, and I'm like, Mackenzie will know exactly what to do.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
yet i um i can't do scary okay never mind same plot exact same plot almost I mean, at its core.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I'm seeing a lot of, in the similar vein, because, like... I'm seeing women leads. The plot is hinged on how unbelievably horny she is. And I really like that. I don't know what that says about me. All I know is that I'm seeing these movies where women are so horny that they can barely breathe, that they're like, Like horny.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And here's a great point. Would love for that horned up energy. I'm imagining you on a broomstick. Thank you. I want that energy, not only on people that are 30 years younger than them. Do you know what I mean? Just for, just an idea. Just, I'm throwing it out there. I'm throwing it out there. That sexual energy also doesn't necessarily need to be put on a evil vampire.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
He's so old. At least she's not so young. He's so, so no. I'm looking for more age appropriate. Here's what we want. Holly weird. More women being so horny for somebody in their same age group. Yeah. I agree. That being said, I had almost no notes for this film. Okay.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
yeah you know tell me what you tell me what your note was and then i my almost only note because i other than my initial reaction was like this actually might be too erotic okay so that was my note okay because i at one scene i know this was like the one shot i had to stop eating my popcorn the one take yeah yeah
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I still don't. That's not my note, though. Really? I think it was too much for me. But like, whatever. That's just me. However, I won. The thing that really pissed me off was that I After she comes, she's crying in his arms. And there's multiple times where she's having this like...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
She's having these fantasies that she's always had, which I also really I've been enjoying these like themes that the movie is talking about, which is like kinks aren't necessarily just from like you were something traumatic happened and now you're kinky. Sometimes they're just people out there that have.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Exactly, and this is where I was like, so much of the movie I loved. I love that she's just like,
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
It's very sex... She has these fantasies that she's like, I really... And she's just like, there's things that... And to be aware of the kinks that she's into and, like, whatever. And, like, this, like, affair, whatever. All good. But when she then gets these specific sexual needs met and then she's responded with, like, this horrible guilt, shame. She takes her clothes off.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
She's like, am I beautiful? And she's crying. I'm like, can we... That was like... You don't need... It's so much more fun for her to be like, damn, turns out... I'm into like pup play and like having this type of risky affair.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I was like it felt to me like she was like I were overwhelmed because that was the first time that she came with a partner in 19 years. Yeah. I think that could have been just the overwhelmedness. But I agree, if it was different. If it was, I don't want it to be like, damn, you need to be ashamed of getting your kinks fulfilled. Yeah. I just, I was like, it's way more fun if like.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I think it was probably based on something else. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I hope so. Yeah. But if not, like, I hope that, because it's way, I would love if after she came for the first time with him. Yeah. She like, pulled her skirt back down and was like, see you at work. Yeah. Like, that's way more fun than her being. But that's not the character. Held in his arms. I'm like, a grown CEO. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
See, in the end of the movie, I do feel like that really is my only note because a lot of people, her being at the end being like, if you want to humiliate me, I'll pay for you, obsessed. And also her husband.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Yeah. But they did come around, which I was like, am I here being like, was this an amazing movie? I think maybe I am.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Give it to her in the giggle juice. So it is briefly. How old do you think the intern is supposed to be? Like 30s, early 30s?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Okay. If that. Yeah. How many gloves would you give it? I think four.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I think it's excellent as well. I really like the score. I really liked the acting. I liked the sex in it. I liked that it's like showing this different kink and that like some people have that and that you can eventually, if you open up and explore, you can bring that back to your husband. And like, I thought that that was honestly kind of a beautiful thing to see.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And I think it's like really fun to see with your partner. It's also overwhelming and I wish that she didn't cry so much. And I worry about Nicole Cinnamon sometimes. I do too. I worry about her deeply.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I would give it four and a half. Four and a half. The .5. That milk stuff, I would have given it a four. It gave me a 4.5 because that milk stuff rocked so hard. Milk stuff was fine. The czar was like, I can't believe she drank the whole thing. And I'm like, she had to drink the whole thing. She had to. That was what they were doing. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I love the milk scene.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
The milk was amazing. Her drinking out of a saucer as somebody who is mostly, my core is made up of sexual fantasies and milk. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
There was something so... Do you know sometimes, like... I think this might be too much. But sometimes when women come, like, they're really... It was guttural.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
How many times have I seen Nicole Cinnamon... I think there's a woman. I think sometimes and not it's you don't always have to be over the age of 40, but it definitely helps when you're a woman and you're over 40 and you come and you're actually working through trauma. The patriarchy is coming out.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
That's how she sounded. So every once in a while. you'll have sex and either you or the person that you're with, you'll be like, oh my God, hot. Like, yeah, ooh. And then you'll just go a little bit further and you'll go, oh my God, a demon just came out. Oh my God, a demon has been released. It does feel like a poltergeist was within her.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Yes, there's like an exorcism and you go either, you come back and you're like, huh, I don't know who that devil was. It's me. Can I please have a water? Or you go, this house is clean.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I'm actually so glad that you just brought this up because at my place, we have been talking about this phenomenon so much because we're so still newlyweds. And this is my longest relationship, you know, six years. But it still feels so new. But I think about this all the time, that we will fuck, and then, like, that same day, it'll be like, did you call the plumber? It's insane.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
It is insane how you have to switch. That, like, the person that I'm having, like, nasty sex with is also, like, you sent my mom a birthday card. Yay! You know what I mean? Yes. Yes.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Like, the way... And I think it's so beautiful because, like, the way that, like, queer relationships and the way that women who are with other women a lot of times are queer people get to, like... The way that we get to know women so wholly is, like, really powerful.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And the way that we get to be so full is, like, super powerful. Yeah. But it's insane within the context of a monogamous, fully committed marriage to be, like, you just... And now here you are meal prepping for the week for us? Leah, bleep that.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Marriage is not what I thought it was going to be like at all. It's the best. It's so rock and roll. It's very rock and roll. In every way possible. It's like the person that is showing that guttural climax, you also will be like, let's make a candle. Yeah. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Yeah. Or like sometimes if I like, if I hurt, if I like hurt my hand, they'll put a bandaid on you.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
But I'm like, you were somebody else 20 minutes ago.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I think I really liked the movies that I've been seeing lately. I loved Night Bitch. You loved Conclave. You're all about the Catholic Church. I love. Well, you know me. I love the Catholic Church. No issues. They've never had a single problem. Shut up, Peacock. Shut up! Dude, Peacock has everything. A lot of movies right now are really fun. I'm like watching women finally do this and mean it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I'm also Mackenzie Goodwin. I'm Nicole Cinnamon. We love you so much. Stay safe, LA. We love you. I'm Rachel Scanlon Ali. Go do something gay today. Bye-bye!
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Rachel! Okay, listen to me, Ken. Can I, in defense of the people here who... I mean, sure, you and I dealt with a fire in Florida. I've dealt with a lot of fires. We had a fire at a gas station that I put out. Oh, yeah, you did. I'm good in fire situations.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
For the people that are not. Because I think you guys get stressed easily. I become, and you know this, very femme, and I get obsessed with the wrong thing. Because we also, in Los Angeles, if you're not here right now, it's a very insane energy, but also we have multiple times gotten evacuation notices sent to our phones, like when you get an Amber Alert. On accident.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
And then 22 minutes later, they'll send another one with the same thing that says, like, sorry about that. Yeah. mixed with everything else that's going on. It's so confusing. It's really confusing right now.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
We are so glad that you're listening to this podcast and that you're here. We sure are. We have a lot to get into, obviously. But first and foremost, did you write down all the things that you're letting go because of the new moon last night? So I saw that there was a new moon.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Everyone knows somebody who's lost everything. It's insane. We're trying our best to be as helpful as we can, putting out the right links and sending money to the right places, filling up. I've been in the middle of a move, so my stuff is... I'm able to help with Nazara's hatchback right now, so I'm just grabbing shit and going. But...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
That is so like, you know, trying to sit down and get the right information and be as helpful as I can because I'm able bodied and I'm also sober. So I'm like, I can fucking move shit right now. That being said, deep down at my core, I'm probably the most useless person that I know. I don't know. I don't have any skills. I'm not very smart. And I also am only focused on packing my cologne.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
In your household, I feel like you're the dad, right? And I've seen you in a fire. You're good. Yeah. And your wife is like...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
My watch is like, bitch, what are you doing? We got to talk Dennis Quaid. Wait, we have to talk Dennis Quaid at my house? Mm-hmm. We have been ping-ponging between who is like super unhelpful and who is like, hey, we got this. It's almost daily. It goes back and forth. Yeah, that's good. Because she, for the longest time, has been like, we got this.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Because she packed all of our, thank goodness we have a lot of photos from our wedding that we have already ready. We've got like our safety box.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
survive this is why i'm like i get a notification i call ken because you know what's what but we've been ping-ponging which has been helpful to be like i know that there's times also do you know what's insane too this is just fodder for on top of the horrific things that are happening yeah my reaction is like i can't nazara's packed all of our go bags for us because i've just been like i can only focus on like the dumbest shit i've been hyper fixated on making and eating puppy chow
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Which, by the way, when you live in an apartment building that has zero tight seals, I can't tell if I'm eating powdered sugar or ash.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
They don't get here in time because Amazon Prime's been backed up. So it won't get here for three more days.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
If I may, I mean, this is our livelihood. Speaking of three days, I'm going back on the road. So I'll be leaving Los Angeles, which feels insane to do right now. But I at least like... I'm able to, like, are they still doing flights right now?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
it's fully burnt in there i think i want to also include the link for the pda space which is in altadena as well yeah it was a theater that i did shows at and it's a small business so i'm gonna put that one under there too these are places that like we're just if you can yeah this is what we're up to it's crazy yeah my eye yeah i know my eye has just been let's just real quick talk about
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Yeah, I had the opposite reaction. I saw that was going on because we're gay. Yeah. And that's kind of what we're talking about whenever there's a moon. Mm-hmm. So when I saw that, even though, yeah, my car is fully packed with everything that's important to me and I'm only looking at the watch duty app. However, I said this is top priority. Do you know what's so insane?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Did you see that part? Dude, Dennis Quaid was on screen for so long, which also we're having this weird issue of. People are focusing really a lot on the Palisades fire. And the celebrity of it all. And the celebrity of it all. So I was already like, this is crazy. He was on screen for so long. I left to go make some more puppy chow. When I came back, he was still on camera.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
He's trying to get out. And then I was like, cause I couldn't tell if he was trying to like end the interview or if they were, you know how sometimes when two men talk to each other, it just keeps going. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
It was it went on for so long. I literally felt like I was in a different universe. Like we were it was it was never ending. It was it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
Because we're going to talk about our experience with the fires here in L.A. It's been one week. It's very it's been. But it has. It's very hard for I feel like there's a lot of chatter that people are like, this isn't something to joke about. It's not. It's devastating. That being said, I have the type of brain that is like, I'm an issue. And if you're like, don't make a joke about it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
He was literally driving off and he's like, bang, bang, bang. Hold on. One more question. Okay, but then this is what I'm saying. Okay, because I left. I left and he's like, I got to get all this laundry in for my daughter. My daughter. I got to get this laundry for my daughter. And then when he panned into the car and in the passenger seat was a dog. What? Like a huge bulldog.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
It was, I couldn't. You guys. Everyone in the Valley. Everybody's lost their mind. That night was like. Free Dennis Quaid. What the fuck is going on here? The screen time. He also kept being like, hey, shout out. What was it? CBS? What was the network? It doesn't even matter. NBC. It was like, you guys. People have lost their minds out here. I do want to...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
I want to, I mean, we have to move on with the rest of the episode, but I do want to end with, I've been going to these supply centers, these drop-off places for donations, and I have seen so many Angelenos who haven't evacuated that are still here that are being as useful as they can. I'm seeing lesbians in cargo pants with things on. Please tell me they're wearing a mask. Of course.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
If you're out here, wear a fucking mask. If there's one thing lesbians are going to do. You're wearing a mask. We're going to stay informed. We're going to be helpful. We're going to be boots on the ground. I'm seeing people in full on, of course, masks. Please. Directing people where to get help. Yeah. Coming together, forming these like discords about how to help. It's yours too. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#297 - Babygirl and Gay Traitors
We have the same eye twitch right now. Of course we do.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#306 - Queer Supremacy with Raven-Symoné & Miranda Maday
Dude. Where's the privacy? Make a shirt. I don't care. Facts. Done. Take it off the internet. I don't care.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#306 - Queer Supremacy with Raven-Symoné & Miranda Maday
I will kiss you at work.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#306 - Queer Supremacy with Raven-Symoné & Miranda Maday
Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#301 - Masc 4 Masc with Liv Hewson (Yellowjackets) Part 1
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes. Two dykes. Two dykes. One mic. One mic. One mic. One mic. Yeah. Two dykes. Two dykes. Who dykes? Who dykes? We dykes. We dykes. We dykes. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
I see them as they're out and I go, I wish I could catch it and put it back.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
When you're after a fight, how long do you wait before you like laugh about it? I'm pretty quick. I'm laughing during which causes. Oh, people hate that. Our wives hate that. But I'm like, oh, oh, you're mad. Your wife mad, though, is like scary. But she's so small. She's so small.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Wait. Okay. Absolutely would. Grown-up Matilda. Well-read. Glasses. Yeah. Obviously gay for Miss Honey. Yeah. And Louis Black. Undeniably a 10. Everybody knows lesbians love Louis Black. My dad, when I started doing more stand-up, was like, the only comedian I like is Louis Black. I said, that's fine.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
But I saw Louis Black at a music festival in Milwaukee called Summerfest. Shout out Summerfest. And for whatever reason, he was doing stand-up outside. Yeah, that'll happen. It was on the same like week that Weird Al was there. So to be honest, great weekend for me and my dad. Great lineup. Great lineup. How did you like Lewis is Black?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
It is getting clickbaity. And I love all queer media organizations. Yeah. I also love them. I do too. But those, some of the, some of their headlines are getting crazy.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
No, them is getting like... Can I read you one that I saw? Yeah, please. Okay, this is them. And I sent it to you in our DMs because I was like, hey, what is this? I blocked you weeks ago. So I didn't get that. This article, it says... Okay, it's autostraddle. Okay. Which is an offshoot of them. I didn't know that. Yes. Okay. This says, when Dochi was a queer...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Quote, weird little monster Lady Gaga was everything. Or was a lifeline. That's a headline? I'll send it to Leah. When Dochi was a queer. Quote, weird little monster Lady Gaga was a lifeline.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
White Lotus. I don't know why we need to tease incest or even just play around with it at all. I'm not sure. It doesn't titillate me at all. I think it's a bizarre choice.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
That's kind of what I thought was happening this time with these three siblings. I was like, is one of them a step-sibling from a previous marriage? Even so, it's all weird.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
I don't need to see it. It's not fun for me. However, I did really, really like... Did you see the scene between the two brothers? One...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
short hair one long hair and they're talking about he's like talking about how he's sober now and he tried to move to thailand and slept with so many women and then he was like i think i want to be a woman oh i didn't know they were brothers i just thought they were friends i thought they were brothers sam rockwell no maybe they're friends okay i think they're friends i just assume yeah i think the sam rockwell character is a friend of his but i could be wrong but anyways yes of course that was like a three minute long monologue
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Yes. You're getting it. The meat's bouncing up and down. And you're so happy to be there. I'm so happy to be there. Me too. My energy is so like, thank you for being here with me today. Thank you so much for being here tonight.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
I need women to stop doing veneers. I want to say I love veneers. However, I miss tooth diversity. I miss tooth diversity. I love teeth diversity.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
I think everyone's got to do whatever they need to do with their teeth, however. Sure, but if you don't need them, you don't need them. I love.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
I think. Yeah. We. And I don't always have this take. Is this universal we? We. As the queer community? Okay. We need to let Kyle cook. And by cook, what do you mean? She needs a minute to marinate. You know what I mean? Yeah. Her queerness is not yet fully ripened. If you will. I will say this.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
As somebody... Who, like, I sometimes have a hard time with boxes. I don't know how to explain everything to everyone all the time. I sometimes look at Kyle and I think, she just needs a minute. She doesn't know. Like, I think people keep asking her and she's dodging it in a way where I'm like, I remember when I was.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Do you remember right before you came out and people would be like, what's going on with you? And you'd be like, nothing.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
You think she's spitting this narrative to get more eyes? I don't know. But you think she's queer, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. So it's not like she's queer baiting for. No, no, no. I don't think she's queer baiting at all. That's why I'm almost like, I think we need to let her cook. I think she's genuinely like figuring out her sexuality.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
I want to thank Crafty for the snacks that I will be hitting up tonight.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
I'm so glad that you're into Bravo and the Housewives. I fucking love that channel.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Oh, you start at the beginning and you're watching current and you're going to meet in the middle. I'm a snake eating itself. Bravo content. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. I'm caught up on Summer House, which is, as some would describe, the straightest show of all time.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
It's like it's watching straight culture in like the worst lens. Truly. Truly. 100%. It's so scary. I'm like, are straight women okay? The fact that Ciara has even looked at West in the eyes.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
It doesn't even make sense. She's the hottest woman I've ever seen.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
She really is something. She's something. Every time Nazar and I watch that show, we're like, how? No, I know. Same. Do these women.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
I'm like, you like me. You really like me. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. We are very, as some would say, annoying to make love with.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Chapel's new song. Yeah, The Giver. So she did a lot of promo leading up to it where she was like a dentist and a plumber. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
kind of service servicing servicing mouths servicing pipes hello i didn't even understand it until you just said really yeah i was like cool career day take your lesbo to take your lesbo to work day dude if you were in a service industry yeah what job would you want to pick i always wanted to be a vet a vet cute because you love dogs yeah yeah
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
yeah that's really cool or maybe like a horniculturist like something like i go to like maybe i would do landscaping oh like take care of yeah yeah i would do that what would you do you have a green thumb and a white ass it's not white it's so white it's so red it's burnt it's burnt help help me what would you be i'd like to be an electrician somebody who could like make something happen for somebody as somebody who has been violently electrocuted
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Yeah, I've been cute-ed before. I've been cute-ed. Cute-ed and bit-ed.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Well, I just want to... Whatever the job is, I do want to have a belt. You can have a belt and be a veterinarian. Yeah, but what's in there? Like shears? No, no, no. You should just have it be a tool belt. Oh, still? Yeah, fine. Then I'm in. I don't want to... It's so much dog hair.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Legally, I can't be outside. But Chapel's new song is exciting. I played it for my wife and she was like, it'll grow on me. And I'm like, wow. Has it? I think yes. I told her because the song reminds me of her. I'll say this.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Creed. Hello. hinder hinder hello uh did go to karaoke together and we sang karaoke together for the first time ever ever which is insane because after our open mic was karaoke every night i know and i would sing after every one of our shows but i never did this was my first time ever and i want you to know
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
It changed me. Singing karaoke with you has unlocked this new level of love that I have for us. We, let's tell them what song we sang. We sang Shallow by Lady Gaga and Bradley Pooper.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
what a lucky man wow what a lucky man interesting he should be dating yolanda they're more age women are like this is the hottest man we can think of i see that man because there are men that i think are hot but the men that straight women are like that's the one i'm like that looks like every man i've ever seen in my life i know you're telling me bradley cooper and ryle ryanald ryanald
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Right. Frick. Sorry. Wait, what were we talking about? Bradley Pooper. Oh, we sang karaoke together. And do you remember after we sang? So, by the way, it was the best. You were incredible. Thank you. I was obviously Bradley. And I was Stephanie German. Hummer something. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
girl yeah we we got into it mackenzie was touching my body up and down a lot yeah i had people loved it people loved it at the very end when we were done singing this like adorable young lesbo came up to our table looked me in my dead in my eyes and from the bottom of her soul she literally was like that was the best karaoke that i'd ever seen about us ken no she was talking about me for sure sorry that was for you she was like tell your friend
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Okay, that has been it for Good, good, good, good gay news news. And before we move on to our next segment, I have new cities that I have dropped. They're available on my website. You're going to want to get them ASAP. On May 21st, I'm going to be in Columbus, Ohio. May 22nd, Cleveland, Ohio. June 6th, Eugene, Oregon. June 11th, Emmaus, Pennsylvania. June 15th, Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
June 18th, Houston, Texas. June 19th, Austin, Texas. June 20th through 21st, Dallas, Texas. And then on my birthday, June 22nd, I'll be in Tulsa, Oklahoma. And I'm bringing my wife to all those shows in Texas and Oklahoma.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Yeah. Get your tickets because they're going to be selling out and I can't wait to be there. Hell yeah. Before we move into our Ask a Dykes. Yeah. And if you guys have an Ask a Dyke or a Bumble Fumble that you want to hear on the podcast, you can send it. You can send us a voicemail on the Dyke hotline. That number is in the description below.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Yes. I wanted to tell you something that happened and I was, I just, I kind of want your take on this. Yeah. And if you can even believe the audacity. Tell me everything. I went to downtown Disney. Okay. Already kind of a bit of a schlep. Yeah. As they say. It's far. It is not close. It's super far. It's very far. Yeah. And I was going to get dinner with Nazara, my wife. I've heard of her.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Her aunt. Okay. Her aunt's kids who are our flower girls at our wedding. Got it. And when we were there hanging out, keep in mind these kids are seven and eight years old. Yeah. So what, second grade? Third grade? Yeah. Right? Like, old enough to be people, but they're not people. They're not adults. We're sitting around. I'm playing tic-tac-toe with these kids. I'm already scared.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
And they go... Everyone at this table, raise your hand if you're a girl. And then looked right at me. Raise your hand if you're a girl.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
They're like, go ahead, a little longer. They kept, like, making us hold hands, and then they pretended to be officiants at our wedding. Because I think they associate us with a wedding. Okay. Because that's the last time they saw us, and they were flower girls. So they were like, we gotta know...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
the gender they're like raise your hand if you're a girl and they did it so many times because i was i raised my hand what i was gonna throw them off did you go like this i went like this i was being watched so hard but did your face say my face was like if they were like raise your hand if you're a boy you would have done i would have also raised my hand yeah they never asked that though interesting but they kept like and here's what the thing about kids
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
They can always... When I was a kid, young girls and young boys were always, like, clocking this, like, this otherness of... They were like, you're a girl plus not girl. Yeah. And boys would be like, you're a boy and also a girl.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
And that mic that I made. That you made. Man. Also, shout out Spotify. We fucking love Spotify. They've been so good to us. And then we'll find a new home to go out.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
And, like, I think that kids are aware of, like, the more nicheness within and without.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
Yeah, because I feel like kids can definitely be like, oh, we like you. And there's no they either like you or they don't like you. They don't classify you in a way that society does. And I remember like kids also understand there's nuance. So when teachers tell kids, boys over here and girls over here, there's kids that are like, well, then what is where does Rachel go? Right.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
And they're trying to find out. Yeah, from the jump, they're like, well, if there's only two, why are you having to pick one? Let's get into lines. Right. And then they're like, so if you're a girl, raise your hand. Hysterical. I mean, I love it. I'm trying to eat a beignet. And I have seven and eight-year-olds going like, raise your hand, though, if you're a girl.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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They did it in the car on the next day, too, on the way home. I love their energy. Their energy is hysterical. That's something I would do. It's weird because they, like, it is definitely something that... I'm so many people going, hey, raise your hand. Raise your hand. Everyone who's a girl, put your hands up. I'm just trying to check something out.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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And while your hands are up, why don't you two bitches kiss quick? Go ahead, kiss. Go ahead and kiss. Yeah. No, kids are fucking wild. I love it. But kids are so curious about stuff in a way that is like very sweet.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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But if you're listening to this podcast right now and you want to help support the podcast and keep it going, share it with your gay friends. But also, you can listen to us on Spotify. But also, rate and review the pod.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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They're going to be like, hey, mommy, how'd you get mommy pregnant? How? How? Tell us. Prove it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I know. Your kids are going to bully me. I know. They're going to bully me. But your kids are going to be like, raise your hand if you're a fucking loser. And then look at me like, why didn't you raise your hand? Rachel? Rachel? And why did you? Why didn't you raise your hand? Why? Considering you're a fucking loser.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Can 16-year-olds listen to us? I hope not. I hope this gets bleeped when we say stuff bad. We, you know what? Okay. Also, for the record, Mackenzie did go to all girls, Catholics girl.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I love a 16 year old listener really getting us. That is us to our core. I can tell this person would be your friend. All hail Kate Blanchett deuces. That's us. Is it hot or gross? I don't think it's gross. I think that's hot. Those are two. Maybe not. Maybe not neither of the words I would use. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Sorry, I've never done it. I'm picturing hunchback out there. Yeah. I mean, listen, there's always like... There's always a hunchback.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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comfortable doing just be careful that you don't get caught and kicked out of your school as somebody who went to a public public co-ed how was that what do you mean how was that it was hell i was like that sounds like hell to me it was weird okay i had a lot of different it was pe with boys yeah i was the boy
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Yeah. I do feel like they were wasting resources on boys. Yeah. In a way that was like, you mean we have to watch football?
Two Dykes And A Mic
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No, I wasn't like my eyes were watering from the scent of boys. But I'll say this. I did go to a co-ed. Someone say like a more typical mainstream school. Middle America. Yeah. I had a Razor flip phone and I was closeted. And I remember being 16 and I had like a closeted girlfriend in high school.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Now we didn't have the bell tower, there was no chapel, but I was definitely secretly doing lesbianic stuff in corners and stairwells in the choir room. And at the time I did not think it was sexy and I did not think it was gross. Yeah. I don't think it's I just think that you're exploring yourself. Yeah. But I know the feeling of like I only get to see you at school.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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So at school time is now becoming our time. Like I remember being very conflicted and like we are in I'm in a different math class than the girl I'm closeted in. So how are we going to hold hands? Hold. Exactly. Yeah. How are we going to do this secretly but also get our time in? You have to try and take the same electives. Yeah. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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You know what's insane? As I look back now on the times where I was stealing secreted kisses, the word I would use is stressful.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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You know, I used to go eight hours without using the restroom. Exactly.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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That's right. That's a stress on your body. You and I, I think we're I think we presented as different in high school. But deep down, we were the exact same person. I think deep down because I was like I was I was elected homecoming queen, but I was not using the restroom. Yeah. You know what I mean?
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I was, yes, I had a lot of, I was in show choir and I was in marching band and I was having a lot of fun. Yeah. But deep down, I was so worried that everybody fucking knew. I had a weird skin infection kind of throughout time.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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a big lie like what i don't remember now oh my god but blasphemous dude that's great i finally finished i finally finished conclave not now dude and get this like i'm not kidding seven or eight tries to finish this film what were your thoughts real quick let's start conclave review Conclave was crazy. First of all, let the conclave begin. Let the conclave begin, honey.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Honey, I was like, this is why it took me so long. There's no women in it. It's Isabella Rossellini. I know, but not enough. She's just like serving them a couple cans of soup. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, handmade soup from scratch and tortellinis from scratch. What was I thinking? No, I love her. I thought... Was it as gay as you thought by the end?
Two Dykes And A Mic
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It wasn't as gay as I thought because I knew there was a gay twist coming and I thought it was going to be, of course, like what we all thought it was going to be. And it was not what we thought it was going to be. I loved it. Spoiler alert. Huge spoiler alert. The movie's beautiful.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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didn't win and i was like it was beautiful it was listen it was a set design kind of crazy it went off it went nuts i think they i could have done without one of the votes because it was like by the third vote i was like i can't finish this movie which is why i did take me seven or eight times yeah and i think i would have liked it and you're not gonna believe this longer i thought it was so good i wanted to see what was gonna happen next yeah i want to conclave to conclave to down under yeah
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Are you ready to get into some gay news news? Oh, I'm ready. Yeah. You know what? What? Wait, were you going to ask me about something sexual with my wife?
Two Dykes And A Mic
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With sunglasses on? I think Catholicism is so iconic with all of their crazy clothes and stuff.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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The rings. The beads. I'm like, you guys are serving cunt over there in the Vatican. That's what I'm saying.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I'm like, I want my wife to do that. Like, when we walk down the aisle. Like, they know how to do a thing. They do know how to do a thing. You know what I mean? When they're like, it's a secret. Write it down on this quill. Like burn it. Stab it. Stab it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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They're so like. It's basically Survivor. This is tribal council for gay men. Don't tell anyone who I'm voting for. It's so funny. Right? Conclave is nuts. It's so good. And Stanley Tucci there, gay as ever. Sorry, openly straight. For who? Shut the fuck up. Yeah, wild. It's so good. I love this movie. What were your thoughts on the twist? Twist at the end I did not see coming in any sense.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Can we talk about it? Yeah, it's, yeah, go ahead. So right at the very end, they finally pick a pope and they realize that he had this interesting lore within him that he had been to, had a surgery lined up where he was going to have a hysterectomy. Right. The pope. And everyone that obviously that hysterectomy implies either that he was maybe assigned female at birth and or intersex. Right.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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We find out through a conversation that this pope, he is an intersex person. Yeah. So he found out into well into his adulthood that he has ovaries, ovaries and or possibly a uterus. Yeah. And that is like this big kind of thing that needs to be revealed in the way that the pope elect. Can we say? Yeah. I don't know the verbiage. I think it is a pope elect.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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But he kind of describes that this is something that can work in his favor. He's like, you're saying that we need a pope that can live in the gray and isn't one thing but is multiple things.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Yeah. The facet within him is that his difference makes him a perfect pope. Exactly. Is kind of like. A great take.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Yeah. I do. You know what it kind of reminds me of? If I may kind of zoom out for a second. Yeah, please. I was watching Lady Gaga on a podcast she did, Las Culturistas. Yeah. And I saw a clip that was posted where she was like, queer people should be looked up to. Mm-hmm. And I really kind of felt that in my bones.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I was raised in a time where queer people have been like looked down on and like seen as such like bad deviants who are like sinners and bad and should be like living in the shadows or praying it away. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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But I'm like the way that queer people really should be looked up to by straight people as like this is actually how like you can live in a way that is authentic and also like meaningful and powerful to you. And I was like, fuck, yeah, the Pope should be intersexed. I agree.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Conclave? Honestly, and although it was tough for me to get through. Yeah. Because I could barely see it. You know when you try to watch TV during the day? It's hard. You can barely see the TV. I mean.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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May I guess? Yeah. Summer? Summer Olympics or winter? Yeah. Summer. Summer. Summer is kind of like all of them. I was just saying the same thing.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Unless it's Trolls 3. Dude, I'm like... The only movie I could see is Trolls.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I'm sick of it. I'm so upset. I'm getting too old. How many Conclave votes would you give Conclave? I'd give Conclave 5 out of 5 votes. I'd give it 4 out of 5. I think it's amazing. Because I did want some of them to kiss.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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The Diane came as like a counterpart because Mackenzie and I did a bit years ago where we kind of stuck in this like Cate Blanchett register all hail. Hello, do you live alone?
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I don't know a single... There's Mr. Wonderful and I think Barb. Barbara Cagoran.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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1,000%. And our guy-ans are, there are straight men that like this podcast. And there are guys that like this podcast. Yeah. And there are queer men that like this podcast. Yeah. And there are trans men. And those are our guy-ans. They're guys. And shy-ans. And shy-ans. Those are just Shania Twain fans.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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And then we started giving gloves as our rating system instead of thumbs up. Also, this is just some of the lore. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Also, we used to sell merch with gloves on it. Yeah. We used to flirt by sending like we would comment on our fans stuff and put like three gloves on it. And that was just like flirting, being like, are you interested? Here's our glove. Yeah. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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You know what's so weird, Ken? What? I landed from Canada last night and was showered, went to bed with my hair wet, and woke up and it was tall. I can tell. It's like, it's up.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Dude, I know. You're really giving already then. Dude, I know.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I feel like Jim Carrey really gets it. Same with like Robin Williams and honestly, Jack Black and SpongeBob. Yeah. All the same, man.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Even less. Really? Yes. I mean, even when we shower together, I'm just in the corner shivering cold. Oh, you let her get all the water? I let her get all the water. She needs it. Yeah, that's very sweet of you. But I feel like I'm never nipple to nipple. And if I'm on top, I'm wearing some type of either wife pleaser or sports bra. And therefore, there's a barrier between our nips. Interesting.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
i'm not anti-nip to nip yeah but to me it's like can't be i have like very sensitive nippies we all do and i need like less you know what i mean yeah yeah i need less i'm already so stimulated baseline do you know that you can't you don't sweat out of the tips of your nipples and what's coming out i hated that i hated that i shouldn't have said anything i hated it i shouldn't have said anything what is it okay wait how do you know that
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
And it is like a... When your car stalls out and your battery's dead and you need to get a jump, if you and your wife touch your nipples together, it can help. Yeah. You hold one, two lesbians. Two lesbians. Have to hold the battery and then you touch your nipples. There is electricity in there and I don't care.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#310 - Nip to Nip
I know. Are you guys, so you would do that for an emotional charge up but not for sex? It's never for sex. When you guys are having sex, are you ever nipple to nipple? We are, but not how you'd think. It's cheek to cheek. Yeah. Do you know the inverse of 69ing? Yeah, but there's no point in that.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I think it's so cute. I want to hold space because I think it's so cute and I think it's incredible that more people are coming out. I'll show you later. That's for the next episode. You're not allowed to ask about my finger until the private episode. For those listening.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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What are your thoughts on this gymnastic? Wait, and don't look at my finger. It's really hard. I'm pro the gymnast coming out. I'm pro gymnast. However, with what you have said, I'm also looking for the opposite. You said I'm so glad that young people... And role models are coming out. I want old people who are not role models also coming out.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I want old cunts coming out of the woodwork and being like, I'm pan. Here's what I will say. And say it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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mckinsey goodwin and i'm rachel scanlon ali and we're in love with each other it's your first time listening to this podcast welcome welcome welcome we are two best friends we're two best friends who hook up regularly live on this podcast that we call two dykes and a mic but that part is audio only that's right that's audio that's audio only you can never really tell who's topping you can you can tell and it ain't me
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Here's the thing. If you waited that long to come out... People are like, she's kind of mean. She's kind of mean. Right.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I love them. Me too. I'm so happy that this happened. Wait, before we get to the next gay news, can I slide into gay news? Yeah. Okay. It's our cities. You're so funny. Okay. Tomorrow, we're going to be performing in Los Angeles at the Largo Theater. And we're with Raven and Miranda. Yeah. Tomorrow, Miranda Mayday. This is the tea time podcast. We're going. They are so fun.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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So also, there's a large chance that this show is already sold out. But when the show is in L.A., every once in a while, they will have a standby list of people. And you could still reach out and get a ticket and show up on the day. That's why I'm saying.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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So look, check it out. April 26th, we're in Denver, Colorado. And May 10th, we're in St. Pete. May 11th, Atlanta. May 17th, we're in St. Louis. May 18th, we're in Chicago.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Boston Red Sox. Dude, I've been watching the case, the court case of Karen Reid really dividing Massachusetts. I'm going to be honest. In half.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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No. I feel like every three months, K-City Anthony is like, don't forget I'm here, y'all. It. Hey, y'all. It's me.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Oh, she's out there doing legal work? Good for her. Maybe. How dare you? Here's what pisses me off. Thanks for asking. Sorry. I'm watching. I like to watch true crime. Yeah. But I can't watch one where it ends and then the documentary is almost asking you to decide what you think. Same with Scott Peterson. Yes. It's like, don't. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me what happened. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Tell me what happened to JonBenet. Right? Did I say Jon too hard? It's Jon. Like Jon Proctor. Don't bring Jon Proctor up to me. I don't know if I can handle any more JonBenet. I don't think so. Same with the Menendez brothers. I think like... You know what's so weird is as we age, I realize that like... I'm not aging. Okay, sorry. You already aged?
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I did it. I've done it. I hit the peak. I hit it. As I get older, I'm realizing that more and more documentaries just come out about things that we've already seen documentaries about because the younger generation has not yet seen.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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Can I tell you one of my most toxic traits about being somebody's husband? Tell me. My wife and I will get into some type of a tiff. To be honest with you, my wife and I are usually fighting about like food and timing. Everything else is pretty chill. But we're usually on two different timelines. Don't look at my finger.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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And we're usually not hungry at the same time. Because I'm on Ozempic.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I'm not, but I would be. If it helped my ear. If I had health care, I'd be on it. If I could afford it. But when we, so my wife and I are also very good at fighting now because we've been together for so long that I can see when it's coming. Yeah. And I can address it and hold space for her. Because she goes like this. She's fucking, well, she's a Scorpio.
Two Dykes And A Mic
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I can tell when she's mad because she's yelling at me. I let her cool off. Right. She doesn't really need to externalize too much. She kind of cools off. And then when she comes back around, she is like, sorry, I was upset. I was hungry. Right. I go, no problem. My most toxic trait is that like right before bed, I'll be like, hey, remember when you kind of freaked out at me for no reason?
Two Dykes And A Mic
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It's Rachel going, wait, wait, wait, can I try? Me in the sack is going, in the sack?
Two Dykes And A Mic
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And then she goes, I was over it. Why would you bring that up? Why would you? And I still can't stop. I don't know why I can't stop myself. Do you see that thought coming and you go, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, and then it comes out? Okay, what you're describing, I don't see them coming. I see them when they're out. I don't see thoughts when they're on the way out.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I have some really exciting news. I have added some cities and I'm going to be doing my hour of stand up in new places. And I would like you guys to be there on May 21st, Columbus, Ohio. May 22nd, I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio. May 23rd, and this is new, May 23rd, I'm going to be in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Hamilton? May 24th, I'm in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. Love.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Yes, yeah. Because there's just certain angles on me that if I cinch up a la bow tie, then it's just going to look like an M&M, like rolling down a hill. You know what I mean? It's not right for me. but I did get married in a bow tie, but a pussy tie. It was really like flowy and like, it was not like a tight tie. It was very loose. And then that kind of helped not, it helped with the lot.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Listen, I don't know much about fashion. All I know is I want all of the fashion at once, but it helped me not look so tight, tight, huge in the chest and then back down. Yeah. Cause as noted the shape of my body, um, is what most rap songs are about.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
It is very hourglass body of a goddess that I did not ask for. So I'm pretty aware of... That's also why I fell into the trap of vests. Because it's easy to hide the outline of your chest with a vest.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I've also been different sizes at different times in my life. I had longer hair, shorter hair, bigger body, smaller body, more femme trying to be past as straight. And then right when you come out, there's this kind of beautiful moment where you're like, if I can choose who I'm going to be, then let me choose how I'm going to look. That's a really fun time.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
in like a queer person finding their fashion. I think that's like so fun. Well, it's the best time in the world and it's also the worst time in the world. Because there are tracks you can fall into. There's some misses.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
For sure. For sure. I mean, I swear to God, you guys, I looked like I worked at a golf course for like all of when I was 19 and 20. Well, speaking of, because there's been some fashion misses. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Yes. Yeah. I'm seeing it in my mind and I'm feeling cringed. I feel like that was a lot of like allies.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Whenever I see a rainbow fanny pack, I think to myself, tell your husband I said hi.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I'm Rachel Scanlon-Lee. I thought you were going to say welcome to another container of Two Dykes and a Mic, which is insane.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Yeah, there's something. Which I'm happy about. About the rainbowness as like the only fashion. Right. That I'm like, we can, we can. Yeah. We can show our queerness through our fashion in ways that are beyond just a rainbow bracelet. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like there are ways to show. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I love that. It is interesting to think of like regionality in it, which is very interesting because when we go to different cities, we see straight people looking more like how lesbians dress just for functionality. Like when we're in the Midwest, we're seeing flannel, plaid and wool. Yes. I'm seeing a car leather bracelet. Yeah. And it's because they like, need it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Yeah, competing with, like, not boy, better than boy. I'm better than your man. And, like, that is such a weird, I can see how, like, I can see myself also, like, youngerness being, like, I can only contextualize my queerness in regards to one boy, one girl.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
And if there's only one boy, one girl, then I guess I'm boy like needing to only have two. But as I've aged in my queerness, my identity, the world's changed, etc. Seeing more nuance in identity, realizing that your whole queerness in relation to man is still just completely centering men.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
In a way that is like that's not how my wife sees me. My wife does not see me as a better option than a man. My wife sees me as just like the person that she's married. So it's very interesting that you're like, you're noting that. I'm like, I see that a lot. You know what it reminds me of? That one lesbian TikToker that I'm sure we've all seen a thousand times.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
You know it's Earth Day, so I know you want to ride out, even if it's only at my house, which is located on Earth. Hi. Guess who's not using plastic straws, honey? Me. Me, bitch. I use those paper ones. And yeah, it makes my lips feel weird. But I know that the earth is going to survive. Yeah, 1000%. I'm about to rail my wife today so hard. She loves the earth. Dude, I love the earth.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I think she lives in Tampa, Florida. She has a backwards hat and she goes, where's the girl? With the balls. I love this.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Well, she definitely is a lesbian who, like, I only fuck straight women. Yeah. You know what I mean? That takes pride in, like, turning. It's like, I'm the Tina Turner of Tampa. Yeah. And she is. And she is. People love it. People love it. But, like, when you're in the queer community and you're out for so long, you're like, oh, my God, I remember when that brought status.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
And now it brings cringe when you are in the queer community. Oh, yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
We're trying. I hope so. Well, some of us are. We're just getting older.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Also, if you guys have an Ask a Dyke and you want to send it in to hear on this podcast, you can email it us. There's a Dyke hotline. You can leave a voicemail or you can laminate it and shove it up your ass. We'll get it. That way.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Dearest Dykes, first of all, so much love for you guys. Big hugs from Canada. My question is, how do you dress more masculine when you're built like Renee Rapp? I'm talking pumpkin tits and all. I've always dressed very feminine, but I've recently discovered that I resonate more with presenting more masculine. I have a lovely hourglass figure, which I like to accentuate with my outfits.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
But I have a tough time in finding masculine outfits that don't hide my figure. I wear mask clothes that are baggier, but it looks like my figure, and it makes me look wider and boxy. Also, I'm shopping for men's shorts and pants, and it fits so weird when I have a fuller bum and a smaller waist. I'd love to hear any tips. I love fuller bums. Wow. Body tea.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Yeah, I was like, it must be tough to have such a huge ass and such a tiny waist.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I want to be hidden in my clothing. Yeah. I want people to be like, where is Rachel Scanlon? Her head. Where is her head? Right. I'm just covered in layers and layers of bow ties and jewelry and vests on vests on bigger vest cardigans top hat than me.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I want to do it outside. She doesn't know what we're about to do, but I'm going to take her to the ocean. For Earth Day. To celebrate. Yeah, she loves the ocean. She loves the ocean. When you met her, she was always cleaning up the ocean. I know. She worked for an environmental nonprofit, and now she works for a queer nonprofit.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
It's from that cake, dude. It's from that cake, dude.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I think there's something fun too about like when you're exploring your masculinity and you look at the way that gay men are doing. Like I look at my fashion and I think it's fruitier than masculine lately. Like I was dressing more butch and then I hit the peak butchness and then I was like, wait, I want fruity. I want patterns. I want mesh. I want velvet. I've been doing crushed velvet.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Yes. And it's fun. I love it. Jock straps showing on top of my low rise. I'm talking things that if men were wearing, they'd be like, that is a feminine man. But on my... lesbian body it is like a weird fruity butch which I feel like fruity butch is what you were describing when you're like try this and I'm like fruity butchness has found like a lot of freedom where you're like okay yeah I have
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
some curves. I have some places of my body that are not as butch as my clothes are. But when you're leaning into a fruity butchness, then I feel less like I'm having gender dysphoria and more like I'm having fun with my fashion.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
So she's helping the queer community, and I'm hurting the queer community. Stop. Hey.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Right. Whenever you can feel like, also I think that's, I think lesbians too get away with being way more comfortable than I think straight women a lot of times are.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
No, I'm helping them with my LOLs. And my he's and my ha's. Okay. Sorry.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
When I was young, I wore boxers because all of my friends were wearing boxers. All my friends were boys. A girl, one of my sister's friends who was a volleyball player was like, that's for boys. Girls wear underpants. And I went, got it. And then I wore underpants. Underpants? Or whatever. Underwear. You know how women, girls are wearing underwear and boys are supposed to wear boxers.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I heard that. I was like, okay, got it. I'm like panicked because I can already tell that I am not fit. fitting in with the other girls. I'm already, like, I'm doing it wrong. I'm doing girlhood wrong. They're clocking you. You're saying, I don't like what's happening. Yeah. Society is already going, you're not doing girl right, okay? I heard that. I corrected it. I said, got it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I put on underwear and then boxers on top of that to be, like, heard. Still not getting it right. You know what I mean? It's interesting when, like, I think also, like, lesbian fashion is doing this fun thing where
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
There's like masculine people or me, I guess me and some other like there's some other mask trans people that I know that are like dressing for the era that they were forced to be like a pretty little girl. So I'm seeing like middle school. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
And I see it sometimes in my own shit where I'm like, oh, that is what I wished I could have worn throughout, you know, middle school and high school where I was like wearing dresses to prom, like going back and being like, oh, my formal wear is now men's clothing or whatever.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
my like graphic tees are from when i would have been in you know that era the puka shell necklace very like early 2000s teenager heartthrob but i am one tree hill yes it is giving exactly hill but this kind of brings me to this question for you which i do wonder as somebody who i am a quickly aging dyke i am getting older and i have no idea what that looks like for my fashion at all and
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
And, like, I think it's, once again, you've kind of touched on, like, we are queer. We do make our own rules. We get to do whatever we want. But I do wonder, like, how do I take my clothing into, like, my 40s as, like, a masculine... Like, I have no idea how to age my clothing up. And I do feel like I'm giving... So you don't want to stay in this?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I mean, I do, but I want to look like, yeah, like, I mean, not that this, I think I would still be a flashy 40 year old, but like, I don't want to look like a forever. I don't want to look like a 40 year old who is trying to dress like a kid. You know what I mean? And I have no idea what that looks like.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Yeah. You know, I have a 401k. I've lived long enough to put money into a 401k. Is it $500? Yes. Yeah. I have a driver's license. I have a wife.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
But before we get into that, can I please let everybody know that Two Dykes and a Mic will be doing more live shows this month, May 30th. We've got Seattle, May 31st. Also Seattle. It's at the Neptune Theater, which is one of our favorite venues. It is actually one of my favorite venues.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I could, I could, you could read the whole time guys.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I don't want people to think that like in my bag, I have a yo-yo.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I have thought something before. It does say yo-yo though.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Yeah, like you're, I never thought about what fabrics could kind of portray in like the stage of your life that you're in. But that's one of those powerful things about clothes. Like there are, there's messages that you're sending every day.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
You know, and that's like powerful. Screaming at my journal saying, maybe I'll get a yo-yo today. That's fucking funny.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Am I not supposed to wear Gucci anymore?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I'm wondering if I should become a Versace person, but I can't afford that lifestyle.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
June 6th, I've added a second show to do in Eugene, Oregon. June 11th, I'm in Emmaus, Pennsylvania. June 15th, I'm in Bridgeport, Connecticut. June 18th, I'm in Houston, Texas. June 19th, I'm in Austin, Texas. June 20th through 21st, I'm in Dallas, Texas. June 22nd, I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I've just added a Los Angeles show. I'm going to be running my hour on June 24th. At Largo. At Largo.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
That's so cool. Your DMs are about to be filled with pictures of me and a bunch of different... weird.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Jade, do you like this question? No question. She thought I wanted your eyes on this.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
So what would you say to somebody who is like, I'm wanting to.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I'm hoping that one of our sharks dress up like a shark.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Do you remember? Way up in the balcony. Yeah, dressed as a shark. Incredible. June 7th, we're going to be in Portland, Oregon. Revolution Hall. June 12th, we're going to be in Pittsburgh, PA. I was like, what does PA stand for? Pennsylvania.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Try different baggies. Also, like, on top of that, perfect advice, a really good way to try out new stuff is by, like, thrifting.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
That way you're not fully invested in, like, this outfit has to work because it's so much money.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
These are thrifted. No, imagine, like, yeah, trying to do, like, a I'm going to revamp my whole outfit.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
uh like aesthetic yeah by going to a mall like that is not financially possible right now no no but like what you can do is go into different sections of thrift stores that maybe you're like this is a little bit outside of my maybe i don't usually wear this size or this cut or this fabric or try out the silhouette and you can say hey this was three dollars and if i wear it i don't feel confident that's not as huge of an investment all right but you can try it out with your body
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Do you feel like with your outfits, you are like a uniform person, a phase person, or are you like every day is a little different?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Wash those pits. I'm too messy for that.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
And then rock it. And then rock it. Do you think that people that knew you when you were a kid and or young person in school and high school would look at you now and be like, that makes perfect sense? Or did you have like a big shift glow up in your fashion? Whatever. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
And you're very hot. And that helps a lot.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Maybe like a, a not text, not, toxic ex sliding in your DMs being like, nice video.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
It's always men from high school that need promotion. It's never like another queer person. Never like a cute young woman being like, I'm launching my knitting business. It's always some dude being like, anyways, I made a bunch of truck nuts with my handle on it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Sausage. No. Nobody in the queer community even eats red meat. Right. Not me. It's insane. We did also want to ask if you have a bumble fumble. Do you have one?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
For example, Mackenzie has one where she was making out with a girl. Mackenzie got a bloody nose and then blamed it on the girl.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
We stan... Vision board type of shit. Also, these live shows have been genuinely some of the most fun that I've ever had with you.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Can you feel bloody noses? I've never, I've never had a bloody nose.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Because we know that you are now happily in a relationship. You're madly in love.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
But do you remember a time where you had dating mishaps or a bumble fumble?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
And you're like, I'll get the strap on my own.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I do feel like across the board, every woman deserves oral on her birthday. And I'm always saying that. Until the day I die. Name of the pod, oral on your birthday. Yeah. Happy birthday. Here's...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I think that might be one of my favorite bumbles that we've had.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
That's all I'll say. And it's also altered weirdly. Do you know how like – Sometimes you do stuff and then your chemicals change in your body. That has happened at least on my end. I can't speak for you, bitch. I think the chemicals had changed before because there was an energy. There was an energy between us. Anyways, the next week episode is really wild.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Black, black. The one that I prefer is pink. Okay. It's kind of like I throw those people off. Yeah. And then we do have a light blue.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Got it. You know, I think if it was the color. Of my naked body. Oh. My wife would need to put on sunglasses when I whipped it out. It's too white. It would be so. Glow in the dark. Too white. So white that it would be upsetting. Yeah. I think to the whole mood. We can't have that. No. And I think an extension of my vibe. You know, it's hot pink. It's like, of course. Like, LOL.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
You know what I mean? Let's end on that note. Also, you're an amazing guest. Thank you so much for sharing that incredible bumble fumble and for talking fashion. We appreciate you. Do you want to drop a handle that people can find you on?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I'm Jade Fox. There we go. Go do something gay today. Bye bye.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Also in June, I kind of want to say something very exciting. June 24th, I'm going to be doing my hour of stand-up in Los Angeles at Largo.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Dude, thank you so much. Yeah. Incredible.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Dude. So I'm making this. I'm so proud of you. I know that this has been on your, like, biggest dream goals. It has been. Since I met you. Yeah. Other than to fuck me, which I know you're still trying to do. But this was a quick number two. Checklist is short.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
It happens. Consider myself fucked. Dangerous. Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. Such a beautiful moment. I'm sorry. Well, listen, I feel like that's very us, though. I'm really proud of you, though.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
To be able to write an entire feature movie to make it happen, to produce it and then direct it is so fucking cool. I'm so proud of you. Thank you so much.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
One of our favorite venues out here. Yeah. June 28th, I'm going to be in Oakland, California. And then July 17th through 19th, I'm going to be doing a weekend in Denver, Colorado. You got to come out to Denver, you guys.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
The fact that it's not set in olden times.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Dude. Dude, I love that. You know, I would for you. I'm always looking for a chance to artfully show off my pussy.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Yes. So in the episode description of this episode, Mackenzie's Kickstarter will be there. Take a look. Look at what this project is about. Mackenzie is obviously, you know, super talented. And this would be something that like we can all watch. And like, that's fucking cool. Let's support queer people making queer art for queer people. That fucking rocks, dude. I'm really excited.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I can't tell you how like I'm so passionate about it. I'm so excited. Dude, I can't fucking wait. I'm proud of you. I'm very proud of you. I feel like I'm watching you blossom, especially ever since what happened in Madison between us. I'm like, dude, there goes my hero.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Also, like, not to be weird or whatever, but like... I'm very, very grateful for sobriety and for friendship lately. Yeah. Like, as I'm aging, I'm like, this is a really beautiful time that I'm so glad that we get to hold on to our memories.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
And I feel like it's really fun to have a, like, business where I feel like I'm friends with you and I'm friends with the people that fucking listen to this podcast.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
And when we get to tour and we get to be together, I'm like, this is... Dude. Especially in a Trump presidency, I feel so grateful for queer friendships.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Yeah. Every single one. I'm like this fucking rocks. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Anyways, I can't wait to do more live episodes with you. The next live episode that we do, I need to tell you I finally had sex in my marital bed. That's just a little teaser. I know we don't have time to get into it, but I want you to know. I know. I'm like, oh, fuck. We really don't have time. We don't have time. But like, I can't believe it. It took, first of all, forever. Months.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Anyways. We're in our flow state right now. We really are. Also, congrats on your feature. I'm super proud of you and I love you so much. Everyone go click on that Kickstarter. Thank you so much. It would mean the world if you check it out.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
It's about two podcast hosts who fuck each other?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Okay, wait. It's our fan fiction? Yeah, dude. It's not second feature. Okay, great. Second feature is- Greenlit. Yeah, done, done, done, done. Fine, I'll show you my pussy in it. Oh my God. Our episode today has an incredible guest. Jade Fox. The episode is awesome. It turns out I love fashion and love talking about it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
You might meet your partner. And I'm so excited to do more shows in Canada. I will be having the best time. That rocks. So get your tickets. They're available now at rachelskinlandcomedy.com.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
All right, everybody clap. One, two, three. Hot. Great rhythm. We're a band.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
We are Muna. Welcome back to Muna. Hi, Jade Fox. What's up? Thank you so much for being here with us. Thank you for having me. Yeah. And thank you for wearing that. I want you to know that, yeah, I took extra time. Yeah, I took extra time knowing that Jade Fox was going to be here, and I wanted to show you. A little bit of what I can do with my fashion and my body. I love that.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
And I am wearing what I think is called power clashing. Yeah. And them Gucci loafers.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I do feel like my biggest... but also crutch in my fashion is that I want to wear all of it at the same time. I've never been like just a touch of something. I'm like all of it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I noted that the second I hugged you and I went, I'm deadly close to a carabiner on an earring. And I like that.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
How did you start to discover your fashion expression?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
We are all wearing fedoras at wrong times.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
I think there was a time in the college era where I was like, I will walk down the aisle in two tails. a cane and a fedora as to look fancy for my wife.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
There is something about masculine people when they're like, it's time to go formal that they're like perfect waiter. Yeah. That was one of our questions. I'm going to park the car. I'm going to dress like a valet. Right. Which is me. I mean, I still I do that all the time. I was so worried at my wedding that I was going to look like I'm cutting the cake for people.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#314 - Strapping to Tears with Jade Fox
Yeah. Like would you do a bow tie? The only issue is with my body type. So I have huge tits. When I put on a bow tie, my body then looks like I'm all tit because it's like I have a tiny little femmy neck. Oh, like an M&M. Yeah. Yes. I look like an M&M. Not an M&M. I get it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Fucking green light it. I would watch that within a heartbeat.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
I miss college fair. College fair was fun. It felt like you were speed dating with your parents. Oh, I love speed dating with my parents. Yeah, same. There's nothing better.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
So let's fucking rise up. Let's sell it out. Also, we have a spring tour coming up soon. And if you guys want us to come to your cities, go on Apple or on Spotify. You could also leave us a review that's written out. Tell us what cities to come to.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
It sure looks good on you. Are you serious? My shirt? Sorry, yeah. It looks really good on you.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Do you think I'm tan from my honeymoon? No. Eric and I talked about it after you left. Really? I left. I said, Rachel said she got sun.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Are you at Cobb's? I'm at Cobb's. Guys, go see her at Cobb's.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
But that's what I'm saying. Yeah, your wedding was very... It was just touching and beautiful and perfect. Nothing... It's like... I know. Nothing happened crazy that it's like, you guys aren't going to fucking believe this. It was just it went off without a hitch.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Well, first off, I do believe it's just a bookstore. Oh, I think just a scholastic book fair is just Barnes and Noble.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
I love the dance floor. I am the queen of the dance floor and I think it's because I grew up not being. So I feel like I'm really taking back the night.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
I'm really owning what I couldn't own in middle school and high school, okay? What changed? So I used to shy away. I used to go home early at dances. I used to be too shy and embarrassed to dance. And now I go, I don't give a fuck. I'm going big.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
She was wearing an emerald suit. I was like... Here's the thing is I... grinded upon every member of your blood family. Yes.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Yeah. So what I would do, and I thought it was a bit that I was doing with you, but it turned out I was just doing it with myself because you were never looking over at me. I would go behind one of your family members and grind up upon them from the back. Mm-hmm.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Oh, you did? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I would look over, you weren't looking, so I was like, I must go harder. Now I saw... I should start humping them. So I did that for a while, kind of as a bit, and then people were like, hey, we're all married, please stop. Do you know what was interesting? Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
I'm the opposite of all three of those when I'm in a bookstore. I'm excited. Hernd for sure. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
And by the end of the night, they no longer were.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
first of all you probably are like wow ray's glowing yeah you are glowing you look good i love the earring i love the outfit i love the vibe everything looks good you're very sexy i like the watch all of it's from the wedding honeymoon i brought a book to read
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
fine stomach wise fine feeling great fine or running to go do a number two not not me oh really not me never never I've never I think that you and I need to 21 Jump Street it go back to middle school yes pretend that we need to buy books and we do and we have the catalog yeah and we buy and we get a bunch of toys me too Ladies and gentle thems. Welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Like I looked like a little boy. I had a thing that said just married on a visor.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Am I better now? Yeah, it was coming out in a really funny way.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
That's too much. It's too much for me. I wouldn't be able to.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
We saw two other queer women in the airport and that was it. That was it. But also we weren't seeing a lot of people. Like we weren't around a lot of people. It was a very small island and then everyone was in their own huts. Like no one was out. You weren't getting breakfast with other people or yeah, there was just no one there.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Right. I wouldn't say all of it, but all vacations with your partner are sex, bath, and reading vacations. Bath? I think I love going on a vacation and taking a bath. Because I didn't have a bath for a long time. Shower only. I'm talking bath vacations.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Yeah. Not globally. Weird way to start. I think that globally things couldn't be worse.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Depends on the hardness. I think back in like 2004, there is no difference. That's a club. That is a police billy club or whatever they call them.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
mustard professor mustard green in the peacock yeah with the diller with the candlestick yeah it is um but nowadays they're really not like that yeah now they're a little bit now you would have to really try yeah i felt very like i was worried that it was going to be too expected yeah that it was going to be too like oh this is what you do for a honeymoon yeah but that's why i think you bring a toy that they would never expect oh you bring a full wedge hey what's in your tsa ma'am
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
It's a massive wedge pillow, dude. Honey, I brought something sexy for us.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
We're glad you're here. We're glad you're here. We're glad you're here. We're glad you're queer. We've been singing for good. So much. We've been harmonizing. Yeah, a lot. A lot. And I've been going deeper than I thought I would. Yeah, I've been going higher than I should. Classic Glinda.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Yeah. What you're going to want to do is not scream. Muffle your cries. Muffle them. Hold your mouth.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
So that's what you got to do. You have to take it, bear down, as they say. Yeah. Bear down. Stretch your leg. My God. I couldn't. I was in a really compromising position. What you have to do is distract your partner, throw something at the wall, say, what was that? Then you're going to grab your leg and you're going to stretch it out. Okay. I can't do it right now.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
But you're going to stretch it and you're going to pull and you're going to make it part of the, make it part of the performance. Say, why don't you check this out? Show your butt. Touch your toes. Okay. Stretch. Somehow make it a part of what you're doing. Dude. Ask your partner.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Why don't you touch your toes for me? Dude. Stretch. Dude. Trust me. Drink a lot of water. Stretch. Yeah, man. We have two voicemails.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Can I tell you something? Yeah. Well, did you, okay, because I'm very pro Black Friday. Get everything you need for the year. Wait, are we supposed to not be pro Black Friday? Yeah. No, we're supposed to be anti-Black Friday, anti-Amazon, anti-everything. Wait, what if that's... Anti-Home Depot, go to Lowe's. Wait, what? Yeah. Home Depot is bad. Okay. Okay.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
I'm very pro-Black Friday, buy everything on sale. Yeah. Right? I went out and bought so much stuff. And I ordered every single wrong size. I ordered it all in men's. I ordered everything in men's sizes on accident. Dude, what? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what was wrong with me.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
But that's what I buy things that you need. Don't, but I'm not about the consumerism of like, buy, buy, buy things you don't need.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
So I don't give gifts on Christmas. I don't give gifts. I buy stuff that I will need over the course of the year.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
I like that. Don't go overboard. Don't be buying 17 pairs of shoes when you are one person. You don't need that many.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Oh, Elfie. Can I call you Elfie? You may. Yeah, that's cute. We have some amazing gay news to get into.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
So that's the ask of... How much initial attraction and excitement do you have to have or can it be something that is built? Frick, dude. I think that you have to have – there has to be an attraction. I don't think that you're going to grow – To be attracted to somebody. I think like there is, you have to have like a little bit of a physical connection.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Or an emotional connection with this person. If you're not like super excited or super eager to go meet up with this person, I don't think that you are attracted to them. Right. I feel like. I've never had something grow over time. Like every time I went on a date with somebody, it was either I am attracted to you or I am not attracted to you.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
But do you think that lust and excitement are in that same vein? Yeah. Yeah, right? I think so. So it's like that is something that you can grow to.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
But I've dated people in the past where it started off. I'm a slow burn with people. So it takes me a long time to get excited about a person. I'm the I'm the type that like I actually start with. You're starting on a zero with me and it has to grow. Yeah. So to me, I guess I think it does depend on the type of person you are. If. If it's wasting time or if you're getting to know them.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Let's get into some gay news news. There is a movie out right now that is getting Oscar buzz. Did they re-release Shrek?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Whoa. Yeah. And to me it was like I'll give multiple dates because I have to.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
I think you're right in the sense of like, you will know if you're writing into us or you're leaving us a voicemail and you're like, I'm still not excited about this person. You know. Yeah. You know what the what is going on. I think you're right. Your body knows.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
It is giving Bach. And you deserve more. You deserve an Elfie. I've heard it said that people come into our lives. We've been singing it all day at work. People are looking at us. Yeah, Spotify's mad. Okay, thank you for those Ask a Dykes. We love those. And if you have an Ask a Dyke, you can email us or leave us a ring on the Dyke hotline. You know what? Get us on the horn. Get us a buzz.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Cute. Love. So tis the season. I want to say that this episode comes out December 17th. So we are really within the holidays now. And something near and dear to our heart is Lindsay Lohan. We stan. As a ginger, she's all we have. Yeah. And as somebody who looks like a Lindsay and gets... Dude, as somebody who looks like Herbie, fully loaded. As somebody who looks fully loaded all the time.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
As somebody who is fully loaded all the time. So we're huge Lindsay Lohan fans, and we watched her newest movie that came out on Netflix last called Our Little Secret, I believe. I think. It's called Our Little Secret, I guess. I guess. I don't know what the name. I mean, it just came out. She's been doing a Christmas movie a year. She's now like the Christmas queen.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
She's becoming the Mariah Carey of Netflix. I would not say that in front of Mariah. I would never say a thing in front of Mariah. Yeah, no. I'm too afraid of her. We're all afraid of her. I'm actually genuinely afraid of Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez. Who tops who? Mariah? Mrs. Claus or Mariah Carey?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
No, but that's classic, Alfie. Okay. Hey. There is a new movie on Netflix that is getting Oscar buzz, and it is another musical. I asked you to watch it. You started, and then you dipped out within, I think, five minutes. Less. Much less.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
No, the real person. Mrs. Claus. Yes. Mariah Carey tops everybody. Okay. Don't.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Separately, unfortunately. I hate that. I watched it with me. Weef. I did, too. We watched it after Wicked. Dude, it's... It's the best day of my life. It's such a good... Here's what I'll say. The last one she did was bad on Netflix last year.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Yeah. I watched that one too. So, okay. Here's what I will say. Netflix right now for Christmas is having fun. It's popping off. Netflix is the new Hallmark. I feel like straight people are kind of back. Like they're back for the holidays. Okay. So we know this, that lesbians get October, November.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
They can have January because it's like, it's the come down. Yeah. Yeah. So this is their time. They're shining. Chad Michael Murray looks like a lesbian. He looks like Ashlyn Harris in this movie.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
They're making him look like a Ken doll. His hair looks plastic. Yes. And it... And no shade to the Mr. Murray. But his hair looks ridiculous. I want to say that I like the hair and I love the body. So this was a Magic Mike Christmas movie.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
So it's if Magic Mike, they didn't take steroids and they were bad at dancing. Yeah. And the movie was on Netflix. It was a wild ride. Yeah. I had a lot of fun. Yes. And I do think that this was a queer movie because of how they did Chad Michael Murray's hair. Okay. So to me, this was very lesbianic. Mm-hmm. And the men's bodies... We're giving queer.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
It was giving queer man energy and I really enjoyed it. Yeah, it was fun. It was awesome. So that movie I was very happy for. And that to me felt like our one lesbian movie for this year. There must be another lesbian movie for the holidays. Isn't there one coming out? I'm hearing there are rumblings that...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
There are rumblings within the community that there is a app that you can download that is just queer women holiday movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, been hearing a lot of chatter. What is it called? There's a sleeper cell of lesbians.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
within los angeles no they have a plan and it's to make more queer movies dude what if it's called missile finger instead of mistletoe missile finger is the funniest thing you've ever said let's write it we have gay pumpkin and missile finger
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
dude right dude because why is it a toe disgusting missile finger they look up it's two fingers and it's like oh fuck me under the missile finger yes you know what i mean they look up i guess you have to finger me yes yeah it's not a kiss it's a full finger no kissing is for mistletoe this is for third base i missile tongue is actually maybe a better rewrite missile tongue rocks missile tongue you have to tongue me under this missile yeah
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Okay, so it is Spanish. So the movie is called Amelia Perez. It's on Netflix, and it follows a drug lord and Zoe Saldana, who plays a lawyer. And this is in Mexico City. It's set in Mexico City. You had me back at Zoe Saldana. She's the lead.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Yeah. Okay. We're going to find the app that has all these... I think it's called Mistletongue. We're going to find the app that has all of these lesbian movies, and we're going to let you guys know. We'll put it in the description of this podcast. Apparently, there's so many queer...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
holiday movies on this app yeah we should review one yeah i cannot and don't ask me to i can't download another app that i'm fine with i can't watch that freaking kristen stewart christmas movie again i know i keep i do it every year traumatized every year can i tell you there's only one movie that you have to watch every year tell me and that is the holiday yeah the holiday is the best christmas movie ever made jack black's a scene stealer kate winslet playing
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
The uggo is one of the craziest things. When she's like, I'm just a lonely writer. No one wants to fuck me. It's like, you're Kate Winslet. Every time they open on that scene where she's in her office by herself and that guy is like...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
won't fuck her no it's insane I'm like this isn't we really grew up in such a shitty time where like the most beautiful woman yeah plays the nobody wants to fuck me insane it's nuts it's nerds dude okay holiday rocks the holiday rocks I'm sick of it the fact that her love interest is Jack Black dude don't act like Jack Black's not a 10 I'm fucking over here he's not on Kate Winslet's level no but he's a 10
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Or no, I'm sorry. As a blonde. She's a blonde, yeah. There's something about Zoe. She came in and really fucked up the early mid-2000s. She came in like a banshee. She did. She was like, also I sing. Also I'm in a band. Also I'm in New Girl. Also I'm in Elf. She was everywhere.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
500 Days of Summer. We couldn't get enough of her. We go, bangs, bangs, bangs. More Deschanel. More. More. I have to say. Yeah. Please. I'm happy that era of woman is gone. No shade to Zooey Deschanel, but the era of long necklaces, tiny guitars. I'm upset. You're talking to ukulele. Bangs and flats.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
I don't know a single queer person. who hasn't been fingered in a library.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
There's not. I think that's what I'm upset about. And I hope that we can get more queer. We need. Listen, in 2025. Where's Gay Elf? It's Gelf. Sorry. Where's Gelf?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
You know what I actually want? for real for real tell me gay diehard and i'm talking it's demi lovato shaved head demi lovato yeah not demi more no demi lovato she's making her acting tribute okay she's going through those fucking tiny ac units yes we gotta speaking of tiny ac units we have to see gladiator 2 Dude, this has gone off the rails. This has gone off. We'll get out of here.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Go join our Patreon. We have more live episodes coming up soon. We do. Go rate and review the pod. We love you all so much. I hope you all have a good holiday season.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Yeah, I do believe it's church. Or a natural history museum.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
It's going to be a place where there is a stuffed woolly mammoth.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Also, I just want to say, like, there was a lot of people, a couple weeks ago, we talked about how there's, we have never seen a movie that is a period piece lesbian drama. True. I've never once seen one. They don't make them. Nobody makes period pieces for lesbians. The amount of DMs that we got that were like, hey, I can't believe you guys haven't seen them. There's so many of them.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Yeah, we were kidding. Oh, man. That's all we've seen. There are no lesbian movies. That's all we've seen. That are not period pieces. Sometimes Rachel and I are kidding. I can't even believe that you haven't brought up my new puka shells.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
The movie is called Amelia Perez. It stars Zoe Saldana. Yeah. We also have Salima Gones. Salima Gones, star of stage and screen. And this is a queer musical. Yeah. So you have a drug lord that hires Zoe Saldana to, he's like, I have always wanted to be a woman. I need you to secretly help me transition. Oh, wow. So this musical is based on Zoe helping her transition. That's so fucking cool.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
It goes both, I think, because they go back and forth between Spanish and English. Okay, cool. Which is all, it's all very fun. It follows this journey of this drug lord trying to change what she's done in the past. In like, cool. She's been a part of a lot of murder. She's been a part of a lot of bad shit. It's redemption. It's a redemption story.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Yes, and The Handmaiden was a period lesbian piece.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
And Jennifer's Body. But I'm a cheerleader. So this movie is getting Oscar buzz, which is the big gay news. A lot of people are like, we think that Zoe Saldana might be nominated for this.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Big TV. I can't iPad it because you have to read. I know. I'm trying to watch it on a plane and I don't know if I can. I will say this because when I was watching it, I was like, I know we're going to review it. You and I are going to review it. I want people to watch it, but it is a choice. The movie is not what I think...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
necessarily all of our listeners would be like that was my top movie of the year okay but it's getting people are either like i love this movie or i don't like this movie okay it's very um polarizing I thought it was a wild ride. I'm excited for you to see it. And then we'll review it eventually. I love movies like that, though, where you're like, the fuck? But it's here's the thing.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
It's getting a lot of buzz. But we have the cast is queer. You know, we have a real trans person playing a real trans person. Thank God. Right. It's not just like some cis actor looking for an Oscar. Exactly. So that's where I'm like, we're finally getting stories by us for us. It feels authentic.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
For good. In other gay news, hitting every camera. Yeah. In other gay news, JoJo, and I know we talked about this recently, JoJo Siwa and her ex-girlfriend had broken up and we chatted about it. Apparently, JoJo has already rebounded. Taken a lover? Has taken a lover of the name Kath Ebbs. Oh, wow. So there's a new romance afoot. Okay. And there's been pictures of them out on the town together.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
And I wanted to bring up a quick question for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How quick do you think is appropriate when you have a public relationship and you are out there and you're like, this is, you know, I want this person to be the one to dumping them to immediately getting back out there with somebody publicly. Is there a time period that you think is acceptable?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Sorry, TNT, we do no drama. Here's what I'll say. Don't make me laugh like Glinda in front at my job. I watched a lot of USA and a lot of TNT. TNT, God. Monk? Yeah, I watched a lot of Monk on the weekends.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
That's how I feel about the word Wednesday. Or the word restaurant. You are never going to catch me spelling the word restaurant.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
Just always getting injured. They're always falling off things. That's what they do.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#291 - Lesbianism is Contagious
I know. There's nothing. I mean, there's something about gay blonde women. Yes. That is like they cannot be taken down.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
But what if you find the mom or dad hotter than your partner? Then do you have a problem?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
That's so fun. Interesting. Yeah. So she's bringing up genealogy at the table. Oh, my God. PowerPoints?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Okay, so you had like skinny white men with mustaches that looked like they had BO and kind of an open shirt.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Let's get him on the horn right now.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I think you two have such a different energy than I do. I think I had to earn it a lot more. I feel like you guys come in and are easily liked and lovable, both of you. Honored.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I think it's based on the family. I think it's based on the family and if they're already OK with their child being gay.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Great point. I had a little bit more work to do. Yeah. I mean, even now it's still work.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Like, you know, some families are more accepting than others.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Oh, yeah. Or I hope it's a wig. But he he went blonde for a second and it's coming down. It's giving Bieber haircut. And it's I think he's losing his edge.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Yeah. Is giving. Who's that little twinkle boy in? I love twinkle boy. It's giving twinkle boy.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
No, I know, I don't want to fake it in front of you, which I will. You don't want to perform...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Not what I wanted. Not what I wanted.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
We'll stop there. Am I twinkle boy? No. You're more twinkle man. Aw. Yeah. That's so sweet. Yeah, dude.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Yeah. It's a bullshit, a bullshit thing to say to somebody. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
You found the look. Right. Well, wait. Can I be honest? I don't think that they actually believe that. Because I think any woman can look at you and be like, that is an attractive person.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Thank you so much. Do you have dates you want to share with us?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I'm obsessed with Rachel. And I'm just like, I think that that's bullshit that any woman or person would look at you and be like, oh... this is not attractive.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
So you're happy right now? You're in love? Yeah. God, I now need to go to Alaska.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Behold. Are you still on tour? Are you going back out next year?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
It's too much. But are you writing new music? Are you in the process right now?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Oh, my God. Do you have a song about us? Yeah. Oh, good.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I thought you were going to say lost a limb because it was people at your LA show were like throwing elbows. I love that shit.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
You have to. Philly rocks. Philly's a herny city.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
No, no, no. Philly, because of all the history and cobblestone, is like you have to bring a lover. I think so. You have to take a lover. It should be somebody you're already with.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I love that. Okay, we do have an Ask a Dyke that was sent in for you. Are you ready?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Ooh. That was beautiful. That was beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't agree more. I think that, you know, we talked off pot a little bit about this and the younger generation. Like when we grew up, Ellen wasn't talking about who's a top and who's a bottom, how you figure that stuff out. We didn't have that type of content. And I think, yeah, you're right.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
And we have to connect with each other first instead of coming in with this is what I'm going to be today, you know.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
And you can... But do you think that that means immediately top?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I'm almost like, are you thinking, are these people thinking like, I'm in a top, I'm in a dominate and it's more of their thinking of what I've seen men do in media.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Because the best sex of their life is men who are a little unhinged? It is straight women. Yeah. I have heard this.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
And I... Here's the thing. If it's the best sex of your life and you're a straight woman, it means that that man is going down on you. Oh. So why wouldn't you marry that man? Yeah. Marry that man. Marry that man. Do you remember when DJ Khaled came out and was like, I don't eat pussy? That was crazy. Who says that? Yeah, dude. DJ Khaled. What a piece of shit.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Yes. And if you have an Ask a Dyke, you can call in. We have the Dyke hotline. The number is in the description below. 9-1-1. No, no, no, no. Everybody stop.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Okay. Hi, I have an Ask a Dyke. What do I do if I have a crush on my coworker? We don't directly work together or even work in the same building, but we work for the same organization. If it went poorly, it would be easy for me to avoid them. But as of right now, we hang out for lunches and I think the crush is mutual, but I cannot tell.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I know that they're recently single and I think ready to mingle. Should I make a move?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
They only have lunch together. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I'm always like, do not ever date a coworker.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Because you, like, work for the same man?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
How would you guys ask somebody out who works, like, would you do it at a lunch? I'm assuming that they work at, like, Apple. I'm picturing Best Buy corporate. Right. Something like that where it's a big major corporation.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
They work at Groupon. They meet for lunches at the Quad. Yes. Would you get them like a lunch? For sure. Like a cafeteria lunch and be like, would you want to go on a date with me?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Yeah. He was like, I'm not pleasing my wife.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
That's really good. You're very smooth, ER. Okay, we now have a bumble fumble. So yeah, go ask that person out.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Anyways. I'm assuming that's what he did.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
ER, we have a Bumblefumble for you. I'm ready.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Holy cow. ER, what are your thoughts on inviting somebody to church the day after their first date?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
But producing music. Producing music and not going down on women. I can't believe- Which seems like two of the most boring things in the whole world.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
She was like, I had this person over to my house.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
That would make more sense. Yeah. Well, what are our thoughts on the edible arrangement soon after a first date?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I also was okay with the edible arrangement.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
If it doesn't come with an expectation. Of more sex.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I will say it is, I think, a huge green flag that the pastor is a woman. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Because there's a lot of denominations that still don't allow that, right? That's correct. Right. So that's a huge green flag.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
So you guys are like, hey, you messed up. Go back, find this person that you went on a date with.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
We have to end it here. ER, it's been a pleasure having you on again.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
We'll get you back on when you release your next album with the Two Dykes and a Mic theme song.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. And I'm Ira Fightmaster.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
We are the greatest dykes in the world McKenzie Goodwin Rachel Scanlan Worldwide dykes for life Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic Two dykes, two dykes, who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I agree that Benny Blanco, yes. I think if you're in the kitchen cooking your girlfriend or fiance or wife anything, you're good in bed.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Yes, I couldn't agree more with you. But when you brought up the poof, this is where I... I can't believe it's not poof. I'm pretty sure it's poof. I'm upset. But he always is releasing these videos of him like on the keyboard and being like, and then I do this and then I add this.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I think if you do videos, if you layer vocals, if you layer vocals or publicly, publicly, if you put out videos like that publicly, I don't think you're eating carpet. And I'm sorry, I just sounded 900 years old.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
But nobody reaches out to me. Wait, did you know that in gay news, there is a new drag king show coming?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I think you would do really well. I think you would do really, really well. I think if we can get you an outfit and maybe one good song, I think you would at least make it to the final round.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
No. Then I'm out. Then I'm out. We have an amazing show for you today. We have a guest on who is a friend of the pod. Friend of the pod. And has been on a few times. Actor?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Yeah. We had them on a live episode and when we used to do it in my apartment back in the day. First time in studio. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Holy shit. That's giving national treasure.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
I'm surprised you can see it from space if it's just the size of a Mini Cooper.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
And snow pants are hot. Snow pants are hot.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
It's hard to have curves in a snow gear.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Yeah, you're never going to see me in any skin. But you would look killer in a kilt.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
So much fun. You got to see that movie.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Yeah, that's your people. These are my people. Thank you. A cropped kilt? No. All the way up? No, kilt has to go here. You're going to see ankle, if that. I'll mostly be wearing a sock, too.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
That's what I like. Okay, wait. We have to get back into Alaska and your relationship.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
How has it been? Have you met the family yet? I've met the family. And were you nervous?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Just from the wardrobe. Okay, for sure. And Arizona.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Because I know that we've discussed this.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Because you have said that my wife's parents are hot.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#295 - S*x in an Igloo with E.R. Fightmaster
Wait, had you seen pictures of them before?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#303 - Paper Doll with Dylan Mulvaney (Part 1)
Why does it feel like you're energy?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#303 - Paper Doll with Dylan Mulvaney (Part 1)
If that. And that's too much cardio for me.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#303 - Paper Doll with Dylan Mulvaney (Part 1)
Wait, what did they do? They put carbohydrates on your heart. It's like a medicine ball that's heavy. No. And they just kind of like rub your face with it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#303 - Paper Doll with Dylan Mulvaney (Part 1)
Please, for the love of God, spring for something nicer. Sterling Silver.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#303 - Paper Doll with Dylan Mulvaney (Part 1)
It's imperative that you listen now. Okay, okay, okay.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#303 - Paper Doll with Dylan Mulvaney (Part 1)
And I sucked on that woman's thumb for way too long, dude. It felt sensual.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#299 - Gayest Grammys with Deison Afualo
I work in a field in which every once in a while we see people who are naked in circumstances that are not best for the individual. But sometimes amongst ourselves, We have conversation. So in the midst of this conversation with a co-worker, she mentioned that she saw a woman naked. And she said that she saw her hot dog. I had no idea what she was even describing. So I asked, what do you mean?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#299 - Gayest Grammys with Deison Afualo
Her penis? Because I thought, well, maybe the woman was trans. And Maybe that's not something that you should be bringing up in conversation because I thought that you were cool. And so she said, no, no, no. And it became clear to me that she was using the word hot dog to describe her vagina. And I kind of, again, it blew my mind.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#299 - Gayest Grammys with Deison Afualo
And I was like, you know, maybe you should use the word vagina instead of the word hot dog. So I guess my... Ask a Dyke is... Am I the asshole? Am I wrong? I don't know.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#299 - Gayest Grammys with Deison Afualo
Alright, I'm going to try to make this short. So, I'm 35 years old. I've always quote-unquote identified as straight. I've had one serious boyfriend. Um... And I'm just really nervous around dating overall. But the past few years, what started as an obsession with drag shows has been a complete obsession with queer culture.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#299 - Gayest Grammys with Deison Afualo
And as I've had, you know, trials and tribulations of straight dating, I just started to be like, maybe... I should try being gay. And I don't mean like try being gay. Like I have attraction to all people. I feel like it's not, I'm always like analyzing myself. Like, am I really heterosexual or is this just what I've been told to do my whole life?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#299 - Gayest Grammys with Deison Afualo
Anywho, can I date a woman without it being unfair to the other person? How do I figure this out without, you know, using people or being inauthentic? I have gone on one date with a woman. I liked her, but I just felt so scared, and I also felt like I was leading her on if I tried it and I didn't like it. So can you steer me in a way how I can figure this out? Help, Dykes.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
It's just me. And I went, why would you? Oh, I said, Celine, you didn't have to. Oh, Celine, there was no clarification needed. You didn't need to add. I don't have a woman. What do you mean? She goes, I don't have a man.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
My wife. No, it was worse because adding my wife didn't make any sense.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Snarted is sneezed, farted, sharted. Yeah. It's all three. It's all three and it's not great. It's awful. It's one of the worst things that can happen. And thank you for sending me that type of shit. It's so fun. And like, I'll send it to Leah so she can put the clip up. Because you guys, I want you to see this clip. It's just so weird because he is like Taylor Swift and her wife. I mean, my wife.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
And it doesn't make sense. It still doesn't make sense. So it is super fun. Listen, I don't give a shit. Yeah, right. She's either gay or she's not. Right. Who cares? She's on her own journey. Yeah, she's still a billionaire and no one needs to be a billionaire. Yeah. In other gay news, did you see that at South by Southwest, A Simple Favor 2 was... I would say two major...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
sequels, squeakles came out during South by Southwest. We had The Accountant 2 starring. The Accountant, is that the one with? Ben Affleck. The Batman himself. Wait, really? The Accountant, yes. It won South by Southwest.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
With also, I just want to say, because it hasn't been released yet, or we haven't talked about it on pod. Our L.A. show on April 23rd is with special guests Raven and Miranda. Oh. Which fucking rocks. I'm so excited to have Raven Simone back on the live. Let's fucking rock. And Miranda Mayday. Yeah. Pretty huge. Huge. Huge. We're so happy to have them. Then we're going to April 26th.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
He always has. That's why men do action movies. So that they look like lesbians. I keep saying Lezzy. Why do you think Tom Cruise is in every action movie? Right. Him with long hair. OK, Shane. OK.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
A Simple Favor 1 changed me. Did it not change you? No, I don't think there was a lot of sexual tension in the movie. And I love that she's spoilers. Spoiler.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
She's a twin. Yeah. I love twin stuff. Of course. I love a double. I love a double. I love a twist. I love a she's dead. No, wait, that's her twin. And she's in the water. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love a twin twist. A simple favor went there. Yeah, it did. And I love Paul Feig. Yeah. And I love I think the only reason that I really, really, really I'm like this movie is a rewatch. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
The outfits. That you loved. Blake Lively rocks a suit. A suit. She looks like, yeah. That's mommy. She looks amazing.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Sorry. You're directing it. So I just kind of need you. You need some feedback. Okay. They're both going down doing interviews, right? On the red carpet? It's a burning bush carpet. They're going down the carpet. And somebody asked Blake, like, how is it working with Anna Kendrick? Anna Kendrick. Yeah. I almost said Anna Faris.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Anna Kendrick that'd be a fun movie too though I would love it so she's going down and Blake Lively goes she's the best to work for work with I loved it we had so much fun right she's it's she's praising her yeah Anna Kendrick comes down and somebody goes what was it like working with Blake Lively and Anna Kendrick goes Oh, you know. The head keeps... The head keeps walking. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
We're going to be in Denver. May 10th, St. Pete, Florida. Hi. Hi, Florida. Hi, Tampa market. Tampa. Then we're also in Atlanta, May 11th, May 17th, St. Louis, May 18th, Chicago. May 30th to the 31st, we are in Seattle. We're also coming back to the PNW. We're going to be in Portland June 7th. June 12th, Pittsburgh. June 13th, Brooklyn. June 14th, we are ending the tour in Boston.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
And they did come out later, I think, in both... Anna Kendrick gave a statement being like, that's not what I meant. Yeah. Like, I love her. I don't know if she said that. But I think that there was a rumored feud on the first one. That they didn't get along? They hated each other. That's so sad. I think it is sad, but I mean... That happens. I think that happens. You put two divas in a movie.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
There's a lot of starlets out here. I'm screaming.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
You know I don't like slander against Serena Vanderwoodsen. I don't give a shit. That's fair. And that's the thing. And that's fair. Is I just don't. And that's that. And that's that.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I'm fucking jealous. Really? I love Connecticut. Really? Especially in the summer. Come with me. Ugh, I might plan. Great. I fucking love Bridgeport.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
You know I do. I have something I want to bring up to you. And this isn't... Oh, I love it. You're so serious. I'm serious because this is a serious topic. Yeah, tell me. I know that we're always goofing. We're always gagging. Yeah, we're always messing around, but this is serious. But I have something serious to show you because it's something that, one, you've never seen.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
And I think you need to see it live on pod. I had a medical emergency over the weekend. Oh, my God. I was gardening too hard. No. And I hurt. My butt. Stop. And I had to get an electrocution thing on it. So the chiropractor, which I think medically deals only with butts. Mm-hmm. Said you have to put these electrodes on your butt to help the muscles, right?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
That's really exciting. I'm so pumped to be with you again. Me too. Also, I just want to say, because somebody gave me, this isn't my normal look. Yeah, wait, can I just pause for a second?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
He sent this to the house and was like, please do this. So I had to lay belly to the couch. Ass up. Yeah. Ass up. Tits down.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
ass up nipples down um and my butt was out exposed while i was watching real housewives and i wanted to just quickly flash you can i see your butt i'm gonna show you my butt live on pod oh my god wait are you ready hold on i'm opening my eyes wider for some reason let me see your ass i just want you to know that this is i'm laying down yeah so you're like okay
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
We were texting over the weekend. I was like, I have to do this medical procedure, practically a surgery. You're basically getting a BBL in this picture.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
yeah yes so i was like hey friend yeah i need to let you know you know here are my final wishes just in case i don't come back from this i'm so glad you showed me your ass on pod like i didn't think we would come this far i've never even seen your shoulders i know but i told you recently i think that this is going to be a slutty summer for me you did say that i said i got a bunch of bikinis i know i'm so excited for the bikini summer i went to a big box retailer
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Dude, shut the fuck up. And I bought a bunch of bikinis for $9 each. Yep. Yes, yes, yes, yes. So they look bad.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I was like, you know what? I think that it's time. I'm finally mid-30s. It's time to finally show a little skin.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Thank you. I also think that you're very sexy. But in a, as I said, coastal grandpa way.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Oh, it doesn't give adorable. That's wrong. What? I would just like to say that that is wrong. Thank you. They're hot. They're hot. It was giving like cover of, excuse me, I'm burping a ton.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Those are two different countries. I thought it was all one country.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
And by eggs, do you mean... within your body or without?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
So, this hat It was given to us by a Diane. And what does it say? It says, Diane Daddy. And I am wearing it a little too low.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
they took their jobs smuggling something real serious.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Yeah, but don't you think that a lot of border security between Canada and U.S. is comical? Yes, 100%. It's kind of embarrassing.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
But I think that they do find a lot of people with contraband. For maybe. I think that it's like a hoax. I literally had a friend get pulled over because he had a knife on him. They do find people with stuff and they do pull those things off. I hope they do.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Are we not allowed to bully this man? All of us. I mean, it sucks because you can't bully men like that because it hurts their big feelings. It does hurt their big feelings and you can't let that happen because then they take it out on you.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Barely. Especially with all those drugs you were getting.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Do you remember Joe Schmoe? No. What is that? You never watched it? I didn't. It was like he was the only person on the show not in on the bit. And it was a reality show. You scared yourself. Okay, this last weekend I went down to San Diego for a good friend's birthday party. Yeah. I love San Diego. San Diego rocks. If I was rich. Yeah. It's pretty. Yeah. It's gorge. A lot of lesos out there too.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I would have preferred one of them to say Mommy.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
A lot of lesbians, but they are all, it's such a specific breed of lesbians down in San Diego. They all have long boards and wetsuits. Or are in the military. Or in the military. Well, they're not allowed to be in the military anymore. So they're ex-military. Anyways, I went down there. I went to a all lesbian pickleball tournament. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
AKA a pickleball tournament. For sure. For sure. I want you to know that I was one of 25 women. It was a big tournament, right? You're going court to court. You're mixing up partners, okay? There's a winner's court. There's a couple mid-courts. Then there's a loser's court. Every time you win, you go up a court. You go up a court. You go up a court. I want you to know after six games.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Here's what people don't realize. I'm ambidextrous. Yes. So we can... I shuffle from hand to hand the paddle. Yeah. I'm all over the court. Yeah, well, you can't... I'm lanky. Okay. You are pretty tall. These bones don't break. They bend.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
They are bendy. I am worried about my bones. Yes. So I'm thinking that this is a new chapter in my life where I go deep into either pickleball or I take, you know...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
And I'm like, you know I will. That's very sweet. Do they think I'm backstage? There's a possibility. I wonder if they think that I'm Amy Polaring. off backstage filming you, a la Mean Girls.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I love a tennis woman's last name. Oh, yeah. Because it's usually Eastern European. Yes, it is. And I like that. Sabalenka.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Pickleball is it's either a court full of queer people. Yeah. Or it's one queer person and a hundred elderly people. That's how I play. Which is also queer coded. I play with a bunch of elderly people and none of them know that I'm a comedian.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
This is a flirty episode. Hated it. Leah, please at least cut the first word or bleep it. Bleep it because it's too harsh on the ears.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
And I'm just voicing every... Every joke that you do, I'm also walking along with it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Yeah, you can't. I don't want anybody, especially an elder, to watch it. No, I know. I'm deeply humiliated.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
The next episode, the April one. Yeah. Because we're in April now. That one is going to be super fun because we have a lot to say.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
It's funny that you keep saying, I'm manifesting, I'm manifesting. I already told you that I will direct it. I've already said yes. I'm like, I'll direct your special. Okay, yeah, that's so fun, right?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
April will have all the GLAAD Awards stuff to talk about.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I'm not ready for that, obviously. I can't believe that the first time I ever saw Dochi, she was scissoring Katy Perry. And I was like, okay, this woman's flexible. Yeah. And here we are.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Dude, it's... What's wrong with me? That's the most Rachel thing to ever happen. Cut them. Just clean off.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Did you cut your television cord? DVD player, I'm assuming. All of them are cut.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Yeah. There are a lot of ways to. contain your cables behind your tv there's so many ways and it's not with duct tape duct tape i learned that the tough way so many i'm gonna take you to ace hardware and show you how to do it take me to ace hardware and show me how to do it give me the hat
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Great. Great question. Great question. Welcome to the swamp. I can tell by looking at you that this happens to you.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
No matter what. So that's I also have this issue, but not with me with my partner. My partner is a sweater. Hot. just constantly running hot. Yes. I am an icicle. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I am practically, for all intents and purposes, a dead body. I'm a corpse. Don't say that. I'm a corpse. I'm always just like... Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Sorry, sorry, sorry. And I'm always boiling hot.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I wish I could. I knew what photo she was going to put up so I could make the exact. You do. You did it. Well, this is it. Yeah, you did it. It's kind of.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I think that the problem, though. Yeah, what's the problem? Is that your comforter is too thick. Great. I think, and I just went through this, we just ordered a summer comforter. Oh. So one that is made for, it's supposed to feel nice and heavy, but it is super light and it's super breathable. I think you've got to get a breathable comforter. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
And you have to be okay with ripping that comforter off in the middle of the night.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I don't judge. I sleep. Do you sleep naked? No. How un... I'm fully clothed. I am in, and I've told you this before, practically a pantsuit.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
It is very formal. It's very formal. It's very formal. And we already know it's because we live in a state that has earthquakes. And God forbid I have to run outside in the middle of the night. This is practically my outfit. I want to be, like, couth. And I want people to know that I mean business. And I'm the head of the household. Um, I sleep topless, but with, like... A sports bra?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
But do you ever, because this is what I do. When I get too hot, we will part. We will part ways. But I always have a hand on her. Cute. Yeah. No matter what. Or a foot. Grab a foot over. I'm always touching.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
That's cute. You're sweating from the jump. Pretty much. It takes me about an hour to two to start feeling her sweating.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I'll show you. I think queer sleeping... I don't think I'm... I can't... This cannot be what I'm thinking. I think it is. Are you sure? It is skull, pillow, skull. Yes, yes. And how are you breathing? I mean... Out, but barely. I'm like, that just, it doesn't seem possible.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
That's hard. You know what? Good for you. Thank you so much. And there's no right and no wrong way. No, that's the thing. I'm just praying that you can breathe.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I will find you. Just interesting the way you're sleeping now. Listen. But I love it. Hey, I'm doing my best out there.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
And then the camera should pan and then come back to that one. That's you.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I can't even have fun at work. Now I'm hot. Okay. I know that this is a few weeks too late. Is this? But I have to bring up. Yeah. Did you see the Renee rap titty pic?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. And I'm Rachel Scanlon-Ali.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
what did you see it no first off she's always putting titty on main which i love i'm here for okay yeah if you got them flaunt them yes lord knows if i did i would okay and i do and i don't right there's two types of people in the world there's two types of tits in the world yeah you got them you won't flaunt them you don't have them you would flaunt them yeah
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Can I be honest? I think Hooters is gay, always has been, because if you're a man and you have to go there... You're gay. You're trying to prove something. Right. And if you're a woman and you go there... You're a lessee. Do you remember when Kristen Stewart took that picture with a bunch of Hooters girls? Of course. And Taylor Swift? Of course. Love it. Of course.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I'm obsessed with... Anyways, sad. Rip. Rip. Rip. Sad that Hooters is... It's sad because I'm like... Joann's and Hooters. No. The two biggest lesbian hangouts.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Why is it the woman one? That has to go bankrupt. I'm upset. Dude. Okay, so Renee Rapp posted this picture. You know what? Renee Rapp. Okay, show me because I haven't seen it. I would like to... Formally apologize. It's not Renee wraps tits in this pic. That kind of ruins all of the gay news. But it is three pairs of tits. Oh. And she's beneath them. Mm-hmm. Mouth open as if to say... Mommy...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
certainly something certainly yeah i mean i see this is the pic oh you know what i have seen that she posted this a while ago yeah this was well has it been unearthed again she posted this late february this now when this episode comes out it is april so yes this is a late gay news as i will always do about a month too late yeah i'm gonna talk about something
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Every single week, every other week, we have private episodes, which are a little raunchier, a little bit more fun.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
They would zoom in and go, wait a second. Is that Mackenzie in the background watching this happen? I wouldn't be a part of it. I'd be in the background kind of like that, unfortunately. For sure. So that's what I was thinking about when I saw this photo. Good job, Renee. You know, good job. I think I love getting out there. I love that she's always flashing her tits somewhere.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Does she call her fan base the Rat Pack? I don't know. She should. She should. She should. She should. I am a huge fan. OK. We also have in other gay news. Lucy Dacus confirms long rumored relationship with her bandmate Julian Baker. Stop it. Did you know this? I saw it on the Internet. Well, this was we had talked about it where everyone kind of knew. Right.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
It was kind of like we were like, we know what's going on here.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Everyone knows what's actually happening. But finally, in a recent profile by The New Yorker, must be nice. Lucy explained how making her new album was interesting because I wanted to protect what was really precious in my life. Okay. But also to be honest and make art that's true. Yes.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
So it's like you want to be honest with your fans, but also, of course, this relationship means a lot to you and you don't want...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I know, but I do fear that 2025 has brought us back so many years. Don't you think? I feel like open relationships are out now.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
It's so cheap. Listen, it's less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Yes, which is rare. Very rare. It's rare that we actually love each other. Every other podcast that you're listening to, the second they cut, they go, you fucking bitch.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Like, I honestly think that that's... No, I do the same thing with almost everybody.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I think because some of it also is like, I made the right decision.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Spotify, get us out of the health and sexuality podcast category.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Gaga Gaga's whole album and Haim and Lil Nas X dropped his singy his single which is an album or a singy it's just a singy it's a single right now I think the album's coming I just do I just want to backtrack real quick you did say Haim uh while that band looks unbelievably queer and it is a bunch of sisters with long hair I do think that they are openly straight okay first of all How dare they?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
I saw them live. It changed me. I've seen them live perform on stage doing their music. I loved it. Love it. I also saw them together DJ something. No. And it was one of the worst. They can't.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Obsessed. Also, Licorice Pizza. Loved her in that. I didn't see it, but I would have. Or two of them. I would have. I love anything to do with the Valley. You and I are Valley Dykes. We're huge Heim fans. I can't believe we are one of them. I don't think any of them are openly queer. Okay, but they are, though.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Okay. I just want to say that today, this episode comes out on April 1st, April Fool's Day, which we have now officially kicked off our spring tour.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Yeah. They do. They give bisexual Silver Lake energy. A hundred percent. They give, they left the Valley during college to go to Silver Lake.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Yeah, I do think that that's the energy they give, and I love them, but I don't think that they are openly queer. No, but I listed them in there because their music is for us. Yeah, true. And I love them. It's similar to, like, a Cher album. Straight. Straight. Oh my god, I can't believe I didn't bring this up. What? Somebody sent me a clip of Celine Dion. Of course.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
Okay, and in it- You love Celine Dion. I love Celine. Solange Jean. Solange Jean is my-
Two Dykes And A Mic
#308 - Recovering Gaylor Truthers
idol yeah you love her okay she's the only person I would ever get nervous around cute actually okay then not even me no uh okay so Celine Dion in this clip this person is like what do you wear in the morning and she's like I wear this designer right she's talking about a designer that she wears in the morning the guy the interviewer is like oh this must be for a man because you don't wear that kind of stuff for nobody Celine's like I wear that for me myself and I yeah bitch right and she's like I do not have a man I do not have a woman
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I have some really exciting news. I have added some cities, and I'm going to be doing my hour of stand-up in new places. And I would like you guys to be there on May 21st, Columbus, Ohio. May 22nd, I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio. May 23rd, and this is new, May 23rd, I'm going to be in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Hamilton? May 24th, I'm in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I'm casting myself. Incredible. Walk me back.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Sorry. It seems like you were a tomboy as a kid.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
got it classic it feels safe to experiment that type of way when you're like lol i was just like i was just drunk and you were drunk i was wasted i was drunk that's why we both came oh sorry sorry was that too much i know the sun's out sun is still out we could we could do way worse than that but we're like five minutes in i felt right it did it felt important to me
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
We drove down Dyke Road. Oh, did you? Did you enjoy that?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Of course. It was so wet. It was soaking wet.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
When you were looking for some lesbos and you did not find any in Brighton.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
When I took a picture of you and Freya, you guys looked really, really beautiful and really powerful. Anytime I got in the photo, it looked atrocious. So I'm knowing it's not a lighting issue, and I know it's not a framing issue, because I lined it up and it was perfect. When I got in the photo, it looked like...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Right. It's really annoying how straight people try to contextualize queerness in ways that are just so not how it works at all. Also how big headed.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
And then they're saying that you can't get men. When you do come out and then all of the straight women around you are like, oh, let me guess. You liked me the whole time. You liked me the whole time and you're like... No, I have standards. No, I didn't think about you twice. I was thinking about Kelly Clarkson and Salma Hayek.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I do feel like you would have game. Like, do you, when you are...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Oh no, like your little brother who is an intern is photobombing two of the hottest bitches in London.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
How do you hit on women? By the way, this is one of the questions that we get, I'm sure, on your podcast and your events. Like, do do lesbians ask you? We get asked all the time.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
You get the little flame emoji. No, it's almost like days without incidents at work. We have like days without talking to a man. You're almost at a hundred.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I feel like, yeah, even just especially when you are more femme presenting, like telling people about your queerness opens them up to talk about their queerness. And then touching, like touch a fucking arm, touch a shoulder. Yeah, it's the touching.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Off to college. Off to college, yeah. Yeah, it did. Yeah, I am wearing something that I feel like is kind of collegiate. It's a little bit like... We're doing like a college walkthrough. I look a little Spring Awakening in every sense of it. With this outfit and this haircut. It's a little bit like, my grandmas are taking me to boarding school. I could become a real boy. You know what I mean?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
It's never happened. Mackenzie's never been there. Wait, never made it to the other side.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I've never cummed before. Sorry, Spotify. I've never cummed before. Okay, that sneeze is, I guess, not coming.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm screaming at your pond. No way. My pond was soaked.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
It's a great format, honestly. It's a huge format. It's the Chelsea Handler show. LOL.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
yeah it did you have one in high school i don't think so it was like where kids got to host the news oh i love that and it was always right before lunch we do definitely look like kids who wish someday to do journalism someday i hope to do journalism but i don't know that i'm gay yet but i'm just like very butch i love that you know what i mean i don't know why i just want to cover only women's sports am i right everyone you know what i mean you know who hosted our news
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I feel like, and I'm not trying to whatever, every teeth that I see on Love Island are huge turkey teeth. They're all turkey teeth. They're composites. Not even composites. They're like fucking dentures.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
You think they take them out at the end of the night? To the point where you think the lights come on in Love Island and they quickly grab your teeth?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
When I think of now British teeth, because I watch so much Love Island, I'm like, it is full veneered teeth.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
That's fun. Teeth right now are so uniform that they feel like... It's so boring.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
It is turning. It's turning. I'm watching it turn in real time. It sucks.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
It's hot, but also, like, I think braces are hot on adults. I'm not scared. That's investing in you.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Don't make me call you out. For what? No, don't. Don't.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
And Mackenzie's over here. I swear to God, I was teeing you up to say how many girls with braces you've had sex with. And instead you're all, oh, not me, not me. Now that there's a guest here, you're changing up. Oh, come on, honey. I've been with multiple people with braces.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I think the issue is that I find every woman to... I'm like, you could tell me snaggle tooth, perfectly straight teeth, braces, no braces. All women, I'm kind of like, you shine so bright. True. You shine so bright. All women are beautiful.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
In my high school. Who? Aidy Bryant. That's fucking cool. Are we high-fiving for that? Did you know who hosted the school news show in my school? I did. Did you? Of course. Nice. All right. Do you want to say hi to our friends?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Me too. Well, I'm 6'2", but I also have kind of small hands.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
No, I... And you're 6'3". I identify in height and attitude as 6'2".
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I'm laughing at you. Why? I'm laughing at you because I heard a noise come from your throat, and it made me laugh really hard. You know it's this wild water. I heard it go... And it was like... It was so funny. You know what? Fuck you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Fuck you, Rachel. Yeah. We break up right now. Wait, I actually... What, do you have another?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I want to ask this question about, and it's specifically British.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
That I just want to know because we're here. And then can we, it's not a huge question. I love how I'm just like the British spokesperson.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
And I'm Rachel Scanlon-Alee. And we have a very exciting guest today.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
This is... We wanted to know the lingo that's being used. Would you... Like, so... I would never call a romantic partner dude because that is so platonic. Or bro. Dude, bro. If I've ever had sex with you, I'm never going to fist bump you. That to me is painful. It's painfully platonic. What about a high five?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
But I'm wondering, the word mate, is that platonic only?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
June 6th, I've added a second show to do in Eugene, Oregon. June 11th, I'm in Emmaus, Pennsylvania. June 15th, I'm in Bridgeport, Connecticut. June 18th, I'm in Houston, Texas. June 19th, I'm in Austin, Texas. June 20th through 21st, I'm in Dallas, Texas. June 22nd, I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I've just added a Los Angeles show. I'm going to be running my hour on June 24th. At Largo. At Largo.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
We are in London fully. And for those of you wondering, I have not yet relapsed. Thanks to Mackenzie and thanks to... My mental health.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
It was really fun to hear, though. It was like, hello, dude. I enjoyed it. I could hear it, how you spelled it. It was two O's. Dude.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Okay, and that's what we wanted to know.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Leah, get that time code for me for later.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
So mate is like fighting words almost. A fighting word.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Do you ever find yourself getting friend-zoned by women that you're trying to court?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Wait a second. Can I say that we've been talking about this all day? I was like, I'm going to ask her. We were in the car and I was like, yeah, do you think she's ever been friend-zoned? And we were both like, no chance. And then once you answered no, I was like, that's not right.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Great. All right. Now we are going to move on.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
There's something, though, once you come out and realize you're powerful and then the confidence comes around and then people are not trying to. And there's no going back. No. There's no going back from that. No.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
My colleague here, Mackenzie Goodall, is going to be reading you two different British things. And I want you to decide which one places people's place their nouns. I want you to help us decide which one is gayer. A hundred percent. Let's go. OK.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Rachel Weiss, by the way, you've seen the favorite.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Thank you. Thanks for taking care of me.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Every time I'm in the UK, I'm like, somebody give me a fucking drink. Right on the fucking edge. Yeah. This because, yeah. A lot of shit goes down in the UK. I'm proud of you. Thank you so much. I'm proud of you. I will be smoking a tiny cigarette tonight. I hope you do. Thank you. I hope you do. It's harm reduction. And we all know that. Okay.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
She does dress exactly like Puss in Boots.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
If you're closeted still and you're like, the boy that I love is Orlando Bloom. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I have the common con. You have to like, it's so, yeah. It's life or death at that point. It really is. Your queerness is life or death.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Make another Ammonite. I need another Ammonite. Another portrait of a lady on fire. Yeah. Like, there's even the favorite. They're, like, kind of walking around that castle.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Before we get into this episode, we have tickets to our live show. We have started our tour. It's called Topping Your Best Friend. There are, in certain cities, something called the Finger Pit, where you can pay a little extra to be in a section full of people... Like-minded individuals. Gay. Like-minded. I think I finally found my camera. Like-minded individuals.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Where did you guys' jobs go? They all gave them to Keira Knightley.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Do you know, I see a little bit of, who's 13 from house? Olivia Wilde. Do you get Olivia Wilde? Oh yeah, I see that. I think you give a... It's your eyes.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
There is a right and a wrong answer. For sure.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
And when I see Princess Diana in like an oversized crew neck.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
That's what I'm saying. I feel like even that like kind of feathered hair, like almost bowl cut. But like, yeah, I think that's having another renaissance right now. Did you see Spencer? Of course.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
You mean single queer people that want to F. Exactly. Or meet you. Or form community. Yeah. In whatever way feels good to you. May 10th, we're going to be in St. Pete, Florida. May 11th, we're going to be in Atlanta, Georgia. May 17th, St. Louis, Missouri. May 18th, we're in Chicago, Illinois. May 30th, Seattle. May 31st, also Seattle. And then June 7th, we are in Portland.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
The people's princess. I mean, that's us. The people's princess. I feel like you have a similar thing that we have on this podcast, where if you are talented, beautiful, successful, compassionate, you're gay. You're gay. Yeah, because that's just what it is.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
After being a long day of being like a 10 who's talented. Oh my God. And your husband's there waiting for you. And he's like, suck it. I cannot imagine. No. Please. Jesus Christ. Stop. Both of you, shut up. Please give it the devil's toothbrush. I hate this. I just came up with that. Not the devil's toothbrush. Yeah, that's really good.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
June 12th, we're in Pittsburgh. June 13th, we're in New York City. Shout out Canal Street. And I mean it like that. Canal. I mean it like that. June 14th, the last date of our tour, we're ending it in Boston.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
It does sound like her dad is cosplaying. It sounds like John Proctor wrote this.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I'm almost more so interested in why it bothers the girlfriend.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I'm still on the other side of it. I'm hearing, but I'm also like, I'm putting myself, I started posting more thirsty photos, right? Yeah. On the internet. And my partner had any notes on it, I would be like, this is my, like, my page isn't, I mean, I just, I'm a very unjealous person.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Even if my wife was like out of nowhere posting like more and more flirty photos, I'd be like, you gotta, I just have, I don't want to ever feel like... somebody's watching what I'm doing and has notes for me.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I think the issue more so is like, hey, if this is for me, let me feel special. I went into this bathroom photo. This Barnes & Noble restroom. This Barnes & Noble restroom. I went into this weird hotel. Yeah. and took this to entice you specifically, that for me is the only thing. Post whatever you want, show as much skin as you possibly can, Hunty.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Yeah. Live. Laugh. Sizz. Hi. New merch. Live. Laugh. Sizz. Sizz. Yeah. Also, in this month that we are in, which is May, I'm also going to be touring on my own. I have solo shows available. I'm going to be in May 21st, Columbus, Ohio. May 22nd, I'm in Cleveland, Ohio. June 6th, Eugene, Oregon. June 11th, Emmaus, Pennsylvania. Shout out. Yeah, Emmaus.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Get your likes, get your comments, it doesn't matter. However, if you're sending me a nude, I would like it to be like, this one is for you, babe. You don't want to copy and paste it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I would maybe just ask your girlfriend like, yeah, that makes it feel less special if you're going to post it for everyone.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
And then like maybe then you get different ones.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Wait, it is in and out a little. Yeah, see?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
This is really, really hitting Rachel. That's right.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
You heard her first. Dominance does not equate to how tall you are. Absolutely not.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
It's a state of mind because I've also seen some very tall women.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I'm just... Pretty self-explanatory. I'm awful in the sack. No. Pretty self-explanatory.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Okay, this is the real life scenario. Freya, I need to come. I hear you're so good at making girls squirt. Could you please pop my hood? Yeah. Pop my hood.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Then June 15th, I'm in Bridgeport, Connecticut. June 18th, Houston, Texas. June 19th, Austin, Texas. June 21st through 20... June 20th to 21st, Dallas, Texas. A whole weekend. And then June 22nd, Tulsa, Oklahoma. It's my birthday show. And I hope... To have the most fun I've ever had. I'm sure you will. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Somebody's been in a relationship for six years. It's like, what do you mean 20 minutes? Well, 20 minutes, but also like you had plans after.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
This is all wrong. Everything is wrong. I also thought that it made it seem like I've been fucking this girl so over and over and over again and she never comes. This is a one-time challenge with a time crunch on it. I think you set yourself up for failure.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I wonder if even on her own. Yeah, maybe it was on her own.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Here's the thing. At this point, this is way closer to a clinical science experiment than like a situation, like an erotic situation.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
No shit. In a car? In a car. This is wild. Any advice? She said she wants to try again.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
The most fun. Yeah. It's a lot of fun. Very gay.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Very gay. Very fun. I'm so glad how nice London has been to us. I'm so grateful that we have this guest on.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
This is a really tough way to get to a... To please someone. This is very tough. This feels like the most challenging thing in the world. It's so... It feels like... You set yourself up for failure. Yeah, you did. Yeah, actually. Yeah, it feels... Yeah, you want to definitely approach from having fun first instead of maybe this could you make me come. Maybe there's like an...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I mean, at that age, I feel like at this age, you do. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
It has felt like an eternity. I actually can't believe it's only been a couple of hours. If you would have asked me, I genuinely would have said three days. Yeah. No, we just got here. Holy shit. We just got here. It's been good to us so far. It's been good to us so far.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
It's so scary. It's so scary back there, you guys. Trust me, you're not going to want to do that. And you don't want to go meet the last girl I had.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Time two. And honestly, do things that like honor your body instead of going in with a plan of like, now I'm going to make you come. As somebody who like...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Even just being like, I'm going to enjoy myself here and I dare you to not come. Have that energy.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I dare you. Trust me, that works every time.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Honestly, I'm glad to give you a nice little takeaway for the boudoir.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I was just going to say musical chairs. What do you play? Tag. Heads up, seven up. Heads up, seven up in the bedroom. What is that? Are you a music in the boudoir?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
No. I cannot do music in the bedroom at all. My ADHD is like, I'm all, and then I'm going to the rhythm and I'm like, wait a second.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Freya is hysterical. Historical. The only thing that I give value to is funny.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Yeah. Truly. Yeah. Thank you so much. Well, this has been so much fucking fun. Thank you so much for being on this podcast. Can you please drop where people can follow you and how we can listen to your podcast?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
It's beautiful. I'm Rachel Scanlon. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Go do something gay today. Bye bye. Bye.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
One of our favorite venues out here. Yeah. June 28th, I'm going to be in Oakland, California. And then July 17th through 19th, I'm going to be doing a weekend in Denver, Colorado. You got to come out to Denver, you guys.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Thank you so much for being on our show.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Me too. I'm so glad that you're wearing a wife pleaser for us, showing off how strong you are.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I think the entire queer community is wanting more arm out.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I feel like femmes are so wild. Femmes are nuts. Like, you guys are out here acting buck wild. I'm not a femme. Because you're hot. No. And you guys can, like, oh, excuse me. I tripped and fell into your pussy.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I feel like every femme that I've ever known has something to prove.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
In a way that I think because you spend... Are you talking about in the bedroom, though? Okay, I'm talking in the bedroom mostly. I think because a lot of times, femmes, not all the times, but can walk around the world, people assume that you're straight. Yes. And then sometimes in the queer community, not all the times, but sometimes people assume that maybe you're a bottom or don't try as hard.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
And then whenever you then get the opportunity... I feel like you guys have a lot to prove sexually. It's so true. And it blows my bangs right back. So fucking true. Yeah. Your bangs. Let's see it. Just show us. My bangs go like back every time a femme has had their way with me.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Exactly. I think I'm like, I'm walking in like, let me show you a thing or two. And they're like, LOL. Yeah. They slam you against a wall. They do, usually.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
You might meet your partner. And I'm so excited to do more shows in Canada. I will be having the best time. Yeah. So get your tickets. They're available now. RachelSkinlandComedy.com.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Wait, are you saying that Freya has an energy? Oh, no, sorry. There's a vibe in the community that I think femmes assume that people are assuming that you guys are bottoms. And you're fighting tooth and nail to prove that wrong.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
i would love to know kind of like walk me through your queer awakening like i also just learned that there's a term that i had never heard of it's referring to an a late in life lesbian which i thought that was the term late in life or a late bloomer or a late bloomer yeah apparently the word is firefly lesbian why i'm not sure i didn't look into it Excuse me, what happened over there?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
She said, my queer awakening? Whoa. But walk us through it. How would, how would have you come to be? Did you peak early? Did you peak late? Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Very easy to live a closeted double life when you're in a long distance relationship.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
It's funny because when I was closeted, my closet persona was less like, I love dick. And my closet persona was like, I am going to be a pastor. Like virgin energy. I was like so celibate, so religious. Wow.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I like took sex out of the equation because that was easier than facing the queerness. Right. So you'd rather be like a nun.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
Yeah. Because then it's like I don't have to sleep with men. You know what I mean? You're like... This is my answer. Were you laughing at thinking about me in a nun's outfit? I was, yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
I want them to be butch dykes in the habit. Well, wasn't, I mean, that's Whoopi, right? Whoopi's a butch lesbian. I was going to say. I would agree. Whoopi's pretty gay. For sure. A soft butch who sings. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
If you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere. Wow. Come on. Imagine the voice cracks immediately.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#312 - Eating Your Friend Out with Freya
So Sister Act 6 in all lesbian. Sister Act 69. Sorry. We take that back. Sister Act 69 in all lesbian reboot where the song is Oh, Happy Gay. Yeah. I love it. Sister Act meets Scissor Act. Stop it. Stop it. Yeah. Green light it. I knew you were perfect for this podcast.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
It must be tough. It was so bad. If your husband's hobby is like tap dancing.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
That being said, Nazara does have a ukulele album coming out. And it's good.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
It's coming out on Spotify yesterday. You're going to want to check that out. And Erica's book called In Her Mouth.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
It sounds good. I'm fucking reading it. That's what I'm saying. A book called In Her Mouth by Erica Goodwin? God, I love her name. I know. Something about having the same last name as your wife is the coolest feeling of all time. I'm obsessed with her.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Yeah. I want to see what that looks like. I want JoJo so heartbroken that she's like, it's just Jo now. Yes. Right? I'm half of who I was. I'm so heartbroken. It's just Jo. I love that. Imagine Jojo. I mean, do you think that she's like eating ice cream? I don't know.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
She's doing it, but like slow. I would love an acoustic version of that dance. I want to see like sad JoJo as I do feel. Not like I want to see her sad. I don't wish sadness, but that branding. Folk.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's what I'm saying. I want to see her.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Yes. Yes. I want to see JoJo go full Nora JoJones. You know what I mean? I like what you did there. Deeply.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
It's so dumb. It rocks. Yeah, I want to hear her Adele album. I think she's got it in her. I think she's got one hello in her. Do you know what people don't want to hear? What? As somebody who's met both Jojo Siwa and Adele, and you're going to fucking hate this and come after me if you will, they have the same energy. And that's the truth.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Dude, don't. You're insane right now. You guys, hey, you guys, don't turn your backs on us. In other gay news, Adele cancels two dykes and a mic.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Billie from Green Day is posting strap on Mane. Okay, I open up my phone. I see Billie a lot. She's on my algorithm a lot.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Yes. And she's on the road. She's always in Omaha showing off her scalp. She's on there. She's touring. Do you know what?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Yes, I've been there. I'm like, wait a second. Mackenzie Jane Goodall. Do you know what the fuck I saw? What? So here's what I think AI should be for. Yes, I know what you're going to say. I saw an AI that was very- Wait, did you send that to me? Yes, I did. I saw that. I sent it to you four times in a row because I was like, get off the pot. Stop the flushing toilet and watch this.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
It was an AI, and Leah will send it to you because it does feel important to have shark eyes on this. This is one of the most important things I think- I've ever seen. That I've ever seen that should be in a museum now. Yes, I don't know who done it. I think an AI bot has- somehow got into the hearts and minds of the queer community. I mean, I saw. Please describe.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
It was, and honestly, it was so, it was maybe 10 seconds long. Yeah. You saw captured perfectly with no dialogue, AI Billie Eilish and AI Taylor Swift. Pregnant Taylor Swift. Pregnant Taylor, walking on the beach together. Falling in love, walking on the beach, pregnant, and then giving birth to their child. The baby comes out with green hair. Ah! It was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Everyone's all AI is too far. AI is too far. It's not far enough.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Sometimes I see something and I'm like, so you do get me. Here's what I'll say. The AI of Billy impregnating Taylor Swift. It was also like, I'm not kidding. They were falling in love. I'm serious when I tell you, it brought a tear to my eye. Like, it wasn't a joke to me. It meant a lot to me. Okay, now you lost me.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Erlebe Starkoch Andreas Caminada und seine Freunde in Dinner Club, enthalten in Prime.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Erlebe die neue Crime-Serie Mobland mit Tom Hardy, Pierce Brosnan und Helen Mirren. Jetzt nur auf Paramount+.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Egal worauf du stehst, das alles gibt's hier. Prime Video. Klicke oder tippe auf das Banner, um mehr zu erfahren.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Dude, I thought it was so beautiful. I thought it was literally beautiful. I was like, queer love is so important.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Anytime I'm on Thirst Talk, I'm like, uh-oh. Uh-oh. I've gone too far. Yeah, TikTok doesn't know me anymore. Dude, I fear after seeing that I would fall in love with an AI bot on accident. It wouldn't be on accident. Well, they would be coming after me, I'm sure. You know, you watch stories about people falling in love with somebody on the internet and you're like, how can that happen to them?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
I'm always like, how can I make sure that doesn't happen to me?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
This is the lore. I'm watching somebody talk about how she posted strap. I'm looking at the bottom bar. It says, click here.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Listen, it was a tough time. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was 2005. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, 2005 for fire crotches was really hostile. It was a hostile work environment. It was a hostile environment. Are we recording? I didn't even record on anything. Did you? Mm-hmm. I don't even remember that happening.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
I think this is all fucking fake news. I think that this is the right.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Billy Strapp. Billy Strapp. Okay. If Billy did post-strap, it would be green, right?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Like that black that when Jennifer's body pukes that stuff up. That black.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Are you talking about Diana Agron and Zoe Kravitz? Yeah. Would you please tell me what's going on here?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
My algorithm has taken me places that I didn't think I'd go. I've jumped off the train. I'm on. So I need you to. I'm the conductor. I'm shoving coal into the algorithm. What about Maroon? Liking. Commenting. Two dicks and a mic. Hi. Dude, I'm re-looking at the photo shoot that her and. Carly. Carly did. For the magazine. Yeah. I'm looking at the flower. I love how deep you're getting.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
go on your honeymoon yeah i'm going on my honeymoon this weekend anyways i saw them in a car together yeah then because it was like halloween it was something halloween then again they were spotted like way after halloween back together driving around at another party together these two people are both openly queer yeah and they're out here canoodling now zoe kravitz single she is single
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Okay, also her name, the actress who plays her is named Kate Walsh. Hot Walsh? She used to show up at, oh, I was going to say Sweet Butter. And I don't know why she would just show up at this comedy club that I was working at. Maybe she's trying to be a stand-up comic. Ugh. Everyone is.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Really? Yeah. I think there's a certain level of celebrity and fame and, like, money that those people are all having sex with each other. And I think... Yeah. Allegedly. Mm-hmm. that they're out there having weird hot people sex with each other. And what I mean by that is they're having sex for sure, but it's not, they're not like to each other. They're like, it's all for them.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
You know how hot people are like scissoring backwards and stuff? Just like reversing it. Hitting weird acrobatic poses, always kind of looking in the mirror. You know what I mean? I think it would be like that.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Wow. It's an exciting and awful time. Wow. Is it a horrific time?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Okay, yes. That's an error on my end. Also, if you'll see Minneapolis sold out.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Take that! that's funny okay i wish we'll tell them on the next episode private episode okay great um tell us where you're going okay so minneapolis sold out boston is still available portland maine i forgot but i do want to announce on february 1st i'll be in brooklyn go. Brooklyn. Brooklyn. What is the venue? It's the one we love. Yes, the Bell House. Bell House. BH. The BH. BH. IO. Yes.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Brooklyn, show the fuck up. I also forgot Philadelphia. I will be going to Philly on the second. Hell yeah. And I don't know what venue, but I'm hoping that a mouse shows up. There's going to be a mouse there. Dyke the mouse will be there. So please, if you're in Philly, go see Ray. Go see me. And then the other ones stay true. But I forgot Brooklyn. I forgot Philly.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Welcome to Los Angeles, where all the news anchors are stand-up comedians and all the stand-up comedians are news anchors.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
But I also be in Atlanta, Nashville, Sacramento, San Francisco, Salt Lake City, Boise, Toronto, Buffalo, Vancouver and Edmonton. All of the tickets are available on my website. Also, in this episode description, you can click. It says Ray Solo shows. That's where you can get tickets. Minneapolis already sold out. Boston is about to sell out. Portland will also sell out as well.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
So let's make sure we hit Brooklyn and Philly. And I can't wait to show you guys my new hour. And if you want to sign up for my newsletter, I have tickets there to come out earlier than when I do it on the podcast. I love that. Dude, if a mouse shows up and it anamorphs into you. A mouse will show up and it is me. What a fun superpower that would be.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Dude, also, Suzanne, I'm doing this in the wintertime. Right at the end of it, it becomes April. You and I are going to the UK.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
It's big. And Nazara's going to come to our London show. Hot. Hot. My wife will be flying to come see the London show. Sexy. Yeah. Deeply sexy. Also, London's been flying. You should get tickets to London. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
We're going to try to get doors to open earlier so that you guys can like... We want... I think after the election, we felt really like... When we were together, it felt better. Yeah. And we want to give people an opportunity to encourage people to come alone to shows. Right. But also to, like, reach out and be with each other.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
A lot of times we tour and people are like, I didn't even know there were this many queer people here. Exactly. And it's like, we need to hold on to each other. Yeah. So we're making this section. I almost called it the finger pit. The mingle pit. I know, but slash, like, we'll all know it's the finger pit. But the mingle pit. And we really want... When you're at it, two dykes and a mic show.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
To feel like it's community. And being around each other right now is major. You're obviously going to laugh, but we want you guys to be there. And we're going to have these wristbands that we've been designing. And I think it's going to be so fucking fun. And we're going to be doing that all spring.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Like Aang and stuff? Yeah. I only know it because I was a character performer at the Mall of America at Nickelodeon Universe. Yeah, you were. And I had to learn the universe because I had to play Aang in costume, but I was too hippie.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
My curves are outrageous. My curves are outrageous. I was in a hot tub nude. Nazar took pictures of me because she's a literal freak. Yeah. And I thought to myself...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
What vixen is that? Yeah. And it was me. Yeah. It was my body.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Why could my- Yeah, why? How? How? And I'm also like, have you seen when Squidward gets sat on? Yeah. It's like that. It's always a bigger ass print than I thought humanly possible. I also, we were grinding at my wedding. You and I? Yeah. Yes. You and I were grinding at my wedding. Mackenzie started a grind train at my wedding.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Mackenzie Goodwin, my coworker, started a grind train, which honestly was your biggest gift to me. No one was safe from my grinding.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
It rocks, dude. I can't wait to get the video back because we had a videographer.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Thank you. I was like, what was I talking about? You were grinding on me and I felt cake in a way that I didn't even know that you could do. Your cake is way bigger. And I knew it was big, but it's like...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
wowza incredible hats off to the chef erica dude that rocked i would like to tell you something i've been coming down from the wedding yeah and i've been honestly it's been i've i've needed more it's been dude i want to go back to my wedding with you and this time do it for me one time It's beyond that. There you go.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Okay. I've taken more recovery time from this wedding than I have from the marathon that I ran.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
I was also like, whatever. It doesn't matter. All this to say, I went to go get a couple's massage with my wife. Hot. Because we just need to like unwind a little before we go on the honeymoon. I'm trying to like just get my electrolytes back up. I'm trying to like stay healthy. Okay.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
And when we went, I have been doing this fun thing where sometimes I call myself Mr. Scanlanalee, sometimes I call myself Mrs. Scanlanalee. And we signed up for these. this massage for couples. Are you in the same room together? We're in the same room together. And I showed up wearing super baggy clothes and a hat, like a baseball cap that said groom on it. And I signed in as Mr. Scanlan Ali.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
And I called myself Rae. And they're like, which one are you? I'm like, I'm Rae. I'm doing gentle on my neck, but firm on my legs because I'm a runner. And then you get flipped over halfway through. And the masseuse started massaging my chest. And I think she didn't know that I wasn't a man. Wait, wait, wait. And I ran it back. I ran it back and I went, I showed up with a groom hat.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Dude. Rachel. I think. There's no way. There was a miscommunication. Wait. Wait. I have a question. We can cut this. I let it go pretty far. Did she touch Nip? She didn't touch Nip, but she was touching Nip. Right when Peck becomes more than Peck. And then I had to, I grabbed her wrist and I went, that's too low. I went, that's too low.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Rachel Scanlon. We'll just add it on the bottom. That's my legal name, but I think I still will on stage be like, I'm going to stage Rachel Scanlon. But you guys, I mean, you guys are my family. It's Rachel Scanlon, really. Wow. We're going to get into it. We'll get into it. I'll be talking more about like my wedding and the Mendy and all that type of stuff on the next episode.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
This masseuse also was, I want to say, 18 years young and probably 80 pounds. So she was tiny and she was standing on me and she was like spreading. Yeah. And she was doing like Erica hands. Oh, that's... As we know from...
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
the last private episode she wasn't like she wasn't I was like can you go a little harder I never asked for harder but she couldn't do it so she would only use her elbow anyways I think she thought that I was a young man good for you I mean I love that but I don't love her groping I think it was an honest mistake on everyone's end I don't know how that happened but I asked Rania I was like did she
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
happened to come in your blanket and touch your chest and she went no after i leave almost every single couple's massage whether that be with you or with my wife dude i'm your work wife we always get in the car and we go how were you touched i heard i could hear nazara's breath and i went i know she's stressed really i could hear a stress breath from her yeah and i said how was it and she was i was fighting for my life out there almost every massage i'm like is will i die yeah
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
I think it's because sometimes when you do a little bit of a Swedish, they want to work out those kinks. And if you're not an athlete like me, you're not ready for what they're up to.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
massage place I've ever been to for bringing such insane vibes I'm so chatty she touched me so soft because she wasn't strong you're not supposed to talk in there not tenderly right I need you to know it's not that she was touching me tenderly it's just that it was so soft that it felt intimate yeah that when she was done I wanted to talk to her you can't to be like no hey like like I needed aftercare no I needed her to land the plane the aftercare is in the car on the way home with your wife going how far did they spread your cheeks
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
No. Do you have any updates for me? No. I went to your wedding, so we'll talk about that. On the next episode. Okay. I do have, though, this Bumble Fumble that came in that I would love to read to you. Let's read it. Hi, dykes. Also, if you guys have a Bumblefumble or an Ask a Dyke, you can feel free to print it.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
But yeah, I still have a lot of henna tattooed on. I know I do. It's still there. Like it won't last that long. And I said, say that. Tell it to my Irish skin. Well, we're super pale. It's going to stay on.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
This is a Bumblefumble from college that was just so silly. I went on one date with this person who was a religious studies major. Hot. Look at that wrist. That's just how it is. Look at some of your henna still on. Oh, yeah. I have some.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Yeah. We hooked up and it was fun, but I was kind of spit on it. I was kind of spit. I was kind of. No, wait. I read it wrong. Hold on. Did she say I kind of spit on it? No. I wish. It was fun, but I was kind of split on if. Split on if looks exactly like spit on it. I'm now thinking of, what is his name? Steve Harvey. Spit on it! Yeah. It's fun that we have the same brain. Okay, wait.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
We hooked up and it was kind of fun, but I was kind of split on if I wanted to go out with them again. They asked me out again and I said, sure, why not? They asked if I could also store a pheasant in my freezer for a couple of days.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Yeah. No, you can't store a fucking bird in my freezer. This kicked off a serious debate between me and my roommates about if it was a joke or not. I thought there was a chance that this was a religious studies joke that went over my head. I also had four roommates at the time and certainly not enough freezer space for an entire pheasant for really any amount of time.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Ultimately, I decided to say I caught a cold and I canceled the date. I was feeling pretty okay with the fact that I would never know if there was a pheasant or not. But then she texted me again. She said maybe the pheasant thing was too much to ask. Parentheses, sure was, but love the self-reflection. And sent a picture of the frozen pheasant in a backpack. What? Ultimately, there was a pheasant.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
No, not at all. Not once. Hey, man, we need you to wash your sheets. Wash your palms. They say that when you get married, you're not supposed to wash anything. So I haven't showered. I haven't swam. I haven't been underwater at all. I'm actually dehydrated. Water would be nice.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Yeah, as a bit. As a bit. She goes, so for anyways, for any college gays out there, just know that there is no religious studies major jokingly asking to store a pheasant in your freezer for an undisclosed amount of time. It's not a joke. It was real. Love the show. Dude.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
I feel like I've been, my insane things are like people on a second date will be like, would you mind meeting my mom for me? Yeah. Or insane favors, like I'm moving. Like I feel like, On queer dates that I've had, it'll be like, oh, you don't know the line of what is okay and what is not okay, but never hide your crazy. You have to.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Right. Date two, I've had a lot of people start to unwind so quickly about how quickly they have progressed things. You can't ask a second date to store your bird. Right. Dead bird. A dead fucking bird. I mean, that's... Also, did you catch that it was in a backpack? That can't be hygienic.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
No, but I do feel like lesbians have a way of being like, sorry, did my dog barf on you? Do you know what I mean? As someone whose dog barfs everywhere? Yeah. Because they're like, well, it's my dog. It's so cute. And it's like, hey, I don't know your last name. Yeah. Get the dog barf off me. Did my cat shit on your shoe?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
you and i are such not content creators no dude that sounds like shit no dude we can't we shouldn't also please go rate and review the pod yeah um and if you have a new polycule and they don't know about two dykes and a mic i do fear it's your duty to tell them about us yeah right yeah kind of like that will.i.am song
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
I love Will.i.am. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. I'm Rachel Scanlon-Ali. Go do something gay today. Bye-bye.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Oh, God. OK. It's too good. OK. We have a lot of fun things on this episode. I am fully married and I've never been feeling more powerful in my life. Yeah. But before we get into that, there's something that we want to share up top before we get into it. Yes. I think we value this community a lot on this podcast and we joke a lot. It's all I have.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
We are two hammy comedians and we talk about mental health in a lighthearted way. But the LGBTQ plus community does have very specific needs when it comes to mental health. And so we want to spread the word here and talk about the amazing work that the researchers at the Yale LGBTQ plus mental health initiative are doing.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Who is that? Just tell me. Addison Gray married to McSteamy. Sorry, McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy. The redhead. Yeah. She's hot. She... Okay, I'll tell you that she was a gay awakening. Okay. I didn't realize. As a ginger, I think sometimes our community, a lot of times, is the punching bag for people. People go, who would ever want to have sex with a ginger?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Yeah, they reached out to us and we thought that this would be a good opportunity that we can put them on. You can go be a part of this study, get some help or whatever. But they're like smart professionals and we're silly clowns. So go check that out.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
That being said, I flushed the toilet today for so long. Why do we have to go from us being crazy? Is that crazy? Is that too crazy? That's our podcast.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Yeah, this is what's so funny. We go to the bathroom together because... That's what friends are for. Well, it's not a single stall. There's multiple stalls. Yeah, we're not sitting on their spider style, both peeing on each other. Although I have asked. I have begged. Dude, not both of us going, although.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
It's for people that need to use it. It's for tall people. That's why I go there. So you take that last stall. I take my 6'2 looking ass all the way over. To that big stall. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
And here's the thing. Every time I'm opening my phone right now. It's all about JoJo's Bean. And I don't know how we got here as a society.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
And that feels like Jojo is giving us like this like landing space for queer people to be like, what? But also, Ken, if I may say, I'm having like a nervous laugh. Yeah. I feel ill. I feel like what's happening right now. It's insane to podcast.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
It's insane to just like go to work and be like, let's talk about Jojo. Yeah.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
And then here comes Addison Gray, and you go... her name are you sure it's addison gray because i thought it's meredith gray it's gray's anatomy i think it's addison something but it it can't possibly be let me find out leo leo don't tell me i will say that she's a smoke show though yeah addison montgomery that's her after she leaves him that's her maiden name got it okay Because she used to be.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
I don't want to be ground down. I want to be smashed. Did you know those videos on TikTok? It's a machine and it just, it takes like a pile of jelly beans. And I smash them and it goes, that's what I would like. Not to your physical. Now my whole body, not my being, I guess my being can't take it. My being can't even, if you look at my being, I'm like, stop. That's what I'm saying.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
So she's like actively in the song. Please grind my bean. Can I just say, I'm so sick of people being like, don't talk about your bean. Okay. I'm pro bean. I mean, sure. I think the lingo ain't right. The lingo's on.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
shuck sounds worse actually now that i hear it shuck is harder well i think the sentiment is there i think i want people to touch beans i want beans on i want bean on bean smashing kitty yeah like i like that clam jam yes jam my clam yeah i think everyone's just mad because jojo i think people are mad because jojo is let her go there in her sexuality oh i'm sorry we're letting her go there
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
I like it because... It feels like somebody let somebody loose.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
That's amore when you have a huge lead up to becoming official and then it's three months.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
I wonder what happened. I also... So she didn't grind her bean.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
What do you think for you would it take to be like, I actually can't support this art? You know what I mean? Because it is like... Here's the thing. I think love trumps art. Yes.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
Your wife started doing improv. I'm sorry. What if your wife started doing clown art?
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
I think this is what people aren't really talking about is that when you're so deeply in love, you don't get cringed out.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
You're just like, there's some type of, it's like the antidote to the ick is like how in love you are with somebody to be like, oh my God, you want to... I'm going to be front row at your clown class. I'm there.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
I'm honking your nose and I'm going, ooh la la, did you guys see how good my wife is at improv? Exactly.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
I mean, imagine here I am a year later promoting Nazar's ukulele album that just dropped. Great. Going, it's awesome. Great. Right.
Two Dykes And A Mic
#289 - Safe Chaos
And I think that this is unfortunately I look at our straight counterparts. I'm looking at our straight sisters in Christ and I'm going it doesn't really translate because how many how many women who date men go please don't come to my husband's cover band.