This week on Two Dykes and a Mic host Rachel Scanlon and McKenzie Goodwin discuss Hooters, JoAnn's, Haim, crunching the numbers, Kenny shows Ray her ass for the first (and only?) time, border patrol, pickleball, f*ck friends, a sweaty sleeper Ask a Dyke, and so much more!Follow @TwoDykesAndAMic @RachelScanlonComedy @MckGoodwinTOUR TICKETS ON SALE : TwoDykesAndAMic.comMadison, WI - 4/17Minneapolis, MN - 4/18Washington, DC - 4/19Los Angeles, CA - 4/23Denver, CO - 4/26St. Petersburg, FL - 5/10Atlanta, GA - 5/11St. Louis, MO - 5/17Chicago, IL - 5/18Seattle, WA - 5/30 & 5/31Portland, OR - 6/7Pittsburgh, PA - 6/12Brooklyn, NY - 6/13Boston, MA - 6/14Unlock Spotify https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/two-dykes-and-a-mic/subscribeJoin Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/TwoDykesAndAMicTickets to Rachel's solo stand up shows: https://www.rachelscanloncomedy.com/Want to hear yourself on the podcast? Leave us a voicemail at (818) 540-1487 or write us at [email protected]
Chapter 1: Who are the hosts of Two Dykes and a Mic?
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes. Two dykes. Two dykes. One mic. One mic. One mic. One mic. Yeah. Two dykes. Two dykes. Who dykes? Who dykes? We dykes. We dykes. We dykes. Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. And I'm Rachel Scanlon-Ali.
Boy, do we have a good one for you today. I'm so excited. I love private or public episodes. Yes, this is public, which does remind us, if you're listening to this podcast and you want to see the weekly episodes. Right.
Every single week, every other week, we have private episodes, which are a little raunchier, a little bit more fun.
A little squirtier, if you will. And I will. And so will I. And so will I. They're available on Spotify. You click that little lock. You've seen the lock. Yeah, you sign up.
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Chapter 2: What can listeners expect from the weekly episodes?
It's so cheap. Listen, it's less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
I'm screaming at you pitching it. That rocks. Yeah, but I mean, honestly, with inflation, we've never raised our prices. I know, and we won't. And I'll tell you one thing. Starbucks is steep these days.
Starbucks is expensive.
100%.
Except our prices for our weekly episodes.
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Chapter 3: What is the Going Hog Wild Tour about?
So if you're like, hey, why isn't every week? It is every week. But come over to the other side of Spotify and get these episodes. They're awesome.
Okay. I just want to say that today, this episode comes out on April 1st, April Fool's Day, which we have now officially kicked off our spring tour.
We're on the spring tour. It's called the Going Hog Wild Tour, which means right now we are in Cardiff. But tomorrow we have a show in Brighton. Then on April 4th, we'll be in London. April 17th, we're in Madison. April 18th, Minneapolis. It's almost sold out. Sorry. April 19th, we're in Washington, D.C. April 23rd, we're in Los Angeles.
With also, I just want to say, because it hasn't been released yet, or we haven't talked about it on pod. Our L.A. show on April 23rd is with special guests Raven and Miranda. Oh. Which fucking rocks. I'm so excited to have Raven Simone back on the live. Let's fucking rock. And Miranda Mayday. Yeah. Pretty huge. Huge. Huge. We're so happy to have them. Then we're going to April 26th.
We're going to be in Denver. May 10th, St. Pete, Florida. Hi. Hi, Florida. Hi, Tampa market. Tampa. Then we're also in Atlanta, May 11th, May 17th, St. Louis, May 18th, Chicago. May 30th to the 31st, we are in Seattle. We're also coming back to the PNW. We're going to be in Portland June 7th. June 12th, Pittsburgh. June 13th, Brooklyn. June 14th, we are ending the tour in Boston.
That's really exciting. I'm so pumped to be with you again. Me too. Also, I just want to say, because somebody gave me, this isn't my normal look. Yeah, wait, can I just pause for a second?
Because you look so sexy, it's insane. Stop. I picked you up, I was like, you're sexy. Well, I didn't show up like this. No, and then when you put the hat on, I was like, you're getting even sexier. Like, look how hot my co-host is. This is a bit. The Diane's and the Sharks are watching right now and they're going, awooga. Thank you. The hat's hot. Can we show them what the hat says?
Yes, of course.
So, this hat It was given to us by a Diane. And what does it say? It says, Diane Daddy. And I am wearing it a little too low.
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Chapter 4: What are the latest updates in gay news?
Sorry. HR. HR. HR.
That's illegal. Okay. Tell me what's going on in the gay world. You can't drop that and then go. What?
I can't even have fun at work. Now I'm hot. Okay. I know that this is a few weeks too late. Is this? But I have to bring up. Yeah. Did you see the Renee rap titty pic?
what did you see it no first off she's always putting titty on main which i love i'm here for okay yeah if you got them flaunt them yes lord knows if i did i would okay and i do and i don't right there's two types of people in the world there's two types of tits in the world yeah you got them you won't flaunt them you don't have them you would flaunt them yeah
If had, then would. If had, then would. And do and won't. Did you hear that Hooters is going bankrupt? No. It's because they never embrace the lesbian community. I agree. And I will stand on this firmly. Hooters is gone because they won't address the elephant in the room, and that's the lesbian community.
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Chapter 5: How do the hosts feel about Hooters' bankruptcy?
Can I be honest? I think Hooters is gay, always has been, because if you're a man and you have to go there... You're gay. You're trying to prove something. Right. And if you're a woman and you go there... You're a lessee. Do you remember when Kristen Stewart took that picture with a bunch of Hooters girls? Of course. And Taylor Swift? Of course. Love it. Of course.
I'm obsessed with... Anyways, sad. Rip. Rip. Rip. Sad that Hooters is... It's sad because I'm like... Joann's and Hooters. No. The two biggest lesbian hangouts.
Wait, Joanne's? Fully. You're telling me only Michael's is standing? And if that ain't the patriarchy, then I don't know what the fuck is. I'm upset about it. Oh, excuse me. The wife and I are going to Michael's?
100%.
Why is it the woman one? That has to go bankrupt. I'm upset. Dude. Okay, so Renee Rapp posted this picture. You know what? Renee Rapp. Okay, show me because I haven't seen it. I would like to... Formally apologize. It's not Renee wraps tits in this pic. That kind of ruins all of the gay news. But it is three pairs of tits. Oh. And she's beneath them. Mm-hmm. Mouth open as if to say... Mommy...
certainly something certainly yeah i mean i see this is the pic oh you know what i have seen that she posted this a while ago yeah this was well has it been unearthed again she posted this late february this now when this episode comes out it is april so yes this is a late gay news as i will always do about a month too late yeah i'm gonna talk about something
This does remind me kind of like kind of circling back into Hooters.
Yeah.
Like when I first came out, I had this reckoning. Yeah. Of like, I'm gay now.
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Chapter 6: What are the hosts' thoughts on the music industry and queer representation?
You're crunching the numbers? You have to. I think so, too.
I think because some of it also is like, I made the right decision.
Yes. It's never like I'm crunching the numbers and I go, damn, I missed out. I'm always crunching the numbers and I'm like... Sad. But I can't. I'm always crunching them. And sometimes... Because this is a math-based podcast. This is... I hope you all... Two dykes plus one mic equals math. This is a gay mathematics podcast.
Not enough people are doing math.
100%.
We're in the wrong... By the way, people are always like, you're in health and sexuality. We should be in mathematics and religion.
Spotify, get us out of the health and sexuality podcast category.
No, it's always like you'd like this if you like this. And it's so weird that it's not mathematics.
people are weird anyways yeah i crunch the numbers all the time i think about it all the time in other gay news i know that you had something you wanted to bring up i want to bring up the influx of queer music right now hey you know what it is tell me spring has sprung we're about to hit summer summer is for the gays oh is that so they release their music so that now we can learn it for summer yeah because we have obviously the giver chapel yeah we have a whole new album from gaga
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Chapter 7: What is the significance of the Taylor Swift and Gaylor discourse?
Can't believe Gigli didn't win. No, it would be Argo. No, it would be... Argo's very good. I'm not going to see Argo. Don't fucking make me. What is the best? The best Ben Affleck movie. Please. The one. The one. Good Will Hunting. Is he even in that? I know Matt Damon is. Yeah. Matt Damon looking like a little lessee.
He always has. That's why men do action movies. So that they look like lesbians. I keep saying Lezzy. Why do you think Tom Cruise is in every action movie? Right. Him with long hair. OK, Shane. OK.
OK, wait. So Ben Affleck won South by Southwest. Oh, A Simple Favor 2 is upon us. So there's all these, you know, squeakles that came out and A Simple Favor 2.
A Simple Favor 1 changed me. Did it not change you? No, I don't think there was a lot of sexual tension in the movie. And I love that she's spoilers. Spoiler.
If you haven't watched a simple favor, first of all, get the fuck away from me.
She's a twin. Yeah. I love twin stuff. Of course. I love a double. I love a double. I love a twist. I love a she's dead. No, wait, that's her twin. And she's in the water. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love a twin twist. A simple favor went there. Yeah, it did. And I love Paul Feig. Yeah. And I love I think the only reason that I really, really, really I'm like this movie is a rewatch. Yeah.
The outfits. That you loved. Blake Lively rocks a suit. A suit. She looks like, yeah. That's mommy. She looks amazing.
Yeah. All I know is that A Simple Favor was one of my favorite movies of all time. Yeah. And now that it's coming back around, I'm just hoping it's not out yet during the time of this recording. I'm hoping it's gayer than ever. I hope they just dial it up. I love like a movie that feels like a telenovela. And that is. Exactly what.
Yeah.
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Chapter 8: What personal updates do the hosts share about their lives?
yeah yes so i was like hey friend yeah i need to let you know you know here are my final wishes just in case i don't come back from this i'm so glad you showed me your ass on pod like i didn't think we would come this far i've never even seen your shoulders i know but i told you recently i think that this is going to be a slutty summer for me you did say that i said i got a bunch of bikinis i know i'm so excited for the bikini summer i went to a big box retailer
Dude, shut the fuck up. And I bought a bunch of bikinis for $9 each. Yep. Yes, yes, yes, yes. So they look bad.
Mm-hmm.
I was like, you know what? I think that it's time. I'm finally mid-30s. It's time to finally show a little skin.
I'm so glad. I've always thought, like, because you're so beautiful and so sexy. You always have been. Cut it out. Sorry I've called you sexy so much today, but it is how I feel.
Thank you. I also think that you're very sexy. But in a, as I said, coastal grandpa way.
I showed my management my new headshots, which I've already shown you a hundred times. Yeah. And they were like, this is so adorable.
Oh, it doesn't give adorable. That's wrong. What? I would just like to say that that is wrong. Thank you. They're hot. They're hot. It was giving like cover of, excuse me, I'm burping a ton.
excuse me i just burped all over the place like it's not adorable i'm sorry i was taking a ginger shot um it's not adorable no it was giving like high fashion yeah it's hot i look tall yeah you look really good what the fuck no that's honestly fired fired the whole management team fired um wait no you're i'm so excited for you to show more skin thank you for showing me your ass cheeks and crack i never thought i'd make it this far i was scared that i wouldn't come through did they bruise you
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