Jillian Turecki
Appearances
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
A lot of women, and men again will do this too, but a lot more women will silence what their needs are. Let me try to be cool. Let me go with the flow. Let me be a pleaser. Let me be a nurturer. Because everything is like, I want you to choose me. I want you to pursue me. I want to be like that fairy tale. And nothing could be further from the truth of what reality is.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
So everyone has a different path. But the most dangerous person to be in a relationship with other than the person who's the low hanging fruit dangerous, which is violent, manipulative, narcissist. We know that that's dangerous. So let's just say let's table that. Let's shelve that kind of dangerous person. The next dangerous person to be in a relationship with.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
is the person who is unaware of how their childhood has affected the way that they show up in a relationship, who literally just does not know, who does not have that awareness, and who isn't able to admit it and to talk about it with their partner. So we have to be able to do that, and that's very important.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Oh, thank you so much for having me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Most people are not diving into it. And there is some value to saying, look, I grew up this way. You got to make the best of it and move on. And I realized that because mom was like this or dad wasn't always present, sometimes I do this. Most people, you are right, are not aware of their imperfections. But it takes a lot of confidence.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
You just have to know the ways in which you are actually difficult in a relationship and have a little sense of humor about it and love yourself anyway, and then say, you know, I'm going to work on this. That's really what it's all about. And then we also have to be very mindful of the fact that every single person has limitations. Now, some people have huge limitations, but we're all limited.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
So you have to, when choosing a partner, for example, to expect a unicorn, to expect this person who's just not going to have any limitations is very, very, very silly. Like you cannot do that. But what you can expect of yourself and of another person is someone who's aware of their limitations.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And then what you have to be able to say to yourself is what limitations can I live with and what can I not live with?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And I hope that it woke her up a little bit. That's honestly a large part of what the book is about is you need to be able to see the role that you're playing in the dynamic. And even more, this is how you can change it because awareness is the first step, but then changing the behavior is the next step and changes where people is where we all struggle the most, to be honest.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
But yeah, I mean, if you love someone and you're in a relationship with them and something's not working out with them and you're going through a hard time, it's not to say that when there's a problem in a relationship, I am not suggesting that it's a 50-50 split, meaning like you're responsible for half of it and you're responsible for the other half.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
No, it could very well be that one person is more of a problem. Their behavior is more of a problem than the other. But more times than not, it really does take two to tango. And so the constant finger pointing without being able to say to yourself, okay, what am I doing that's contributing to whatever it is that's not working in my relationship? The moment you can ask yourself that,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
is the moment that you transform yourself. You are transformed in that moment with just that question. And it's very, very important. So when I work with people and when I worked a lot with couples, nine times out of 10, I'm helping people see their role and their role could be their perspective, their role could be how they're just not considering the other person's side.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Most people, when they go into like a couples therapy couch, they're thinking fix the other person. And oftentimes we change the dynamics between us and another person by changing ourselves. Not always, but often.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
It is very hard. I mean, mindfulness is a practice. Mindfulness is a practice. The example that you gave, I mean, that could be so many different things. Like It could be that you're choosing the wrong men, right? That could be one thing. It could also be that a lot of women will, because we value safety so much, we have
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
habit of always trying to find what's wrong in another person because we're looking for danger so that we can protect ourselves from danger. So oftentimes, is it actions not matching up with words or is there a communication breakdown? Is it the way that you're asking for things or is it actually them not being into integrity? There's so many different ways to look at the scenario that you shared.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
mindfulness as a practice is, okay, if I want to be in a relationship with this person, are our values aligned? Do we get along? Do I feel good around this person? If I were to have a child, would I want them to grow up to be like this person? Okay. And then let's say you're like, okay, yes, I think so. I'm discovering so, but we're having these issues. Okay. How am I communicating?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
I think I just really understand the mind of people and a lot of women, especially who are really great people, but
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Am I only thinking about my needs, my insecurity, my frustration, or am I taking the time to ask them about their experience of the same situation?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
More times than not, the reason why people find themselves in toxic dynamics, unhealthy dynamics is because of ignoring red flags, basically ignoring their intuition. It's just basically that. There's a paradox and there's many paradoxes in relationships. One is people tell you who they are pretty early on.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And the other one is at the same time, it does take time to discover who a person really is and their character, right? There are certain red flags that might just be like, give you some pause and it's worth exploration. So it's not just like, oh, I'm not sure if that's a red flag. You know, let me just bottle up inside and then like pull away or walk away. Let me ask the person about it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
struggle in relationships i think i just understand that psychology because i've been that person before so maybe that's it and i think i just i draw a lot from my own experience as well as my professional experience and i just try to really just say the truth so maybe that is it i don't know
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
You know, like, let's just say they're talking a lot about their ex and they're talking about their ex a lot. And they're feeling like you start to get the feeling that maybe they're not entirely over this person. What you would say is, you know, I noticed that you talk about your ex a lot and I'm getting the sense that maybe there's still...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
some emotional charge there or maybe you just had a bad day around it or like i'd love to understand more but this is what i'm observing and then you see what they say you never know their ex could be their ex-spouse and they could say you know what really sorry we co-parent today was a bad day with them so they're top of mind but i'm going to be more mindful of that
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Or they might just like, you know, keep talking about how their ex is terrible, which is a really, that's a red flag because you want someone to be able to, first of all, not bad mouth their ex. And instead just be like, I learned a lot from that experience. This is what I learned. Because then you get the idea that they actually processed. But a lot of times people don't listen to their bodies.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Like when something happens, and it feels like an immediate punch in your gut or shut down in your system and something really doesn't feel good. They don't listen. They don't say, hey, that did not feel good. They don't take it seriously. They think, well, I'm really attracted to this person or I've just spent the last five months really trying to get to know them. I don't want this to end.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And there happens to be this whole inner dialogue that happens about why it can't end. And these are the things that I really try to empower a lot of people to pay attention to because those really unhealthy dynamics are ones in which people are ignoring their intuition.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Yes.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
A couple of different ways. One is you check in with yourself and you ask yourself, what is it that I'm feeling right now? And how much does this actually have to do with this person? Or am I looking at this person and seeing mom, dad, and my ex? Or am I actually seeing this person as the pure person who they are?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Or am I looking at this person and seeing an idealized version of who I want them to be versus who they really are? So you check in with yourself. You really have to check in with yourself.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And if you still can't decipher because maybe you've had a lot of troubled relationship history and you're having trouble trusting yourself and you're starting to now feel really anxious about it, speak to someone who you trust. who knows you, who's grounded, who can give you some outside perspective so that you get out of your head about it and you speak to someone about it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And I think that that's very helpful, whether it's a very close friend, a family member or a therapist, whoever it is, someone who you trust and you could be like, hey, this is what happened. And I just don't know, like, is this something that I should pay attention to? Or is this me just being a walk-in trigger? And that's another thing.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
I think that, you know, when we get into a relationship, part of what inspires me to teach people is assess how triggerable you are. Are you still being controlled by past relationships? Or have you looked at yourself and your role in it and the things that you can control and And have you kind of changed the story around it?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Or are you still stuck in the story of just constantly blaming your ex and feeling victimized by your ex? And so now it's like you're just a walking trigger. So these are some of the things. And again, it's just you don't have to get it perfect. It's just really honestly what it boils down to is self-reflection.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Well, first of all, men obsess quite a bit as well. They can, you know, not everyone obsesses, but they can obsess quite a bit as well. The obsessing usually happens when we are the ones who are being rejected. So it's the rejection is what stimulates all the obsessing because then we're like, we're not good enough. Should I try it harder? All of that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Obsessing is part of the breakup process and it's part of the rejection process. And you start to ruminate is really what it is. And you're going back in time and you're replaying certain conversations and you're seeing it played out differently and what you could have done differently differently. There's different ways to put a little bit of an end to that. One is to talk to someone.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Another is to journal, exercise, distract yourself with work a little bit. You are very right that what women will do is obsess over the person who they barely know, who they started dating. Does he like me? Does she like me? Are they into me? When are they going to call this or that? Because women, we are very conditioned to have this sort of choose me mentality. pick me, choose me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And men will get into this as well. It's not just women, but yes, more often than not, women will get into this, this wormhole basically of this person who they barely know that they have made the central character of their lives before that person has even gotten remotely close to earning that role. And it is the obsession with being enough and being chosen when in reality, You are the chooser.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And that is the most important thing. And we get caught up, and a lot of women, and it depends on their stage of life, they'll get caught up because maybe they want to have a family, they want to get married, they want to have the ring on their finger. They have all this anxiety and social and societal and familial pressure that's on their shoulders.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And so they meet someone who they're attracted to, who maybe looks good on paper, and they become totally obsessed with being good enough for them. And actually, that's exactly what turns the person off, particularly turns off a man. When really, you have to think, do I even want you? Are you good enough for me? Are our values aligned? Hey, this is what I need from you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Because a lot of women, and men, again, will do this too, but a lot more women will silence what their needs are. Let me try to be cool. Let me go with the flow. Let me be a pleaser. Let me be a nurturer. Because everything is like, I want you to choose me. I want you to pursue me. I want to be like that fairy tale. And nothing could be further from the truth of what reality is. And that is,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
You have to be the one who is direct and forward about what it is that you want. You are to be the one who is also choosing and you are going to become much more attractive to many more people when you actually assume that role. And you will scare some people away and those are the right people to scare away.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And that is, you have to be the one who is direct and forward about what it is that you want. You are to be the one who is also choosing. And you are going to become much more attractive to many more people when you actually assume that role.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Yeah. So, I mean, I grew up, my parents were immigrants. My father originally from Poland, my mom originally from South Africa, but then they met in South Africa and my parents had a terrible marriage. My father at the time was undiagnosed bipolar disorder. He was extremely narcissistic, but extremely intelligent to the point of a genius and very good at what he does.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
So being direct is not the same thing as being antagonistic or being controlling. It's about being forward and vulnerable. There's tremendous vulnerability in exposing yourself to another person and saying, this is what I need from you. Because most of us are too busy unconsciously manipulating others to get our needs met. And we are trying to control the narrative.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
We're trying to control the way other people perceive us. So we're doing all this strategy. It's actually very vulnerable to say, I care enough about me and you and what we can build together for me to say, this is what I need from you. And tone and cadence and your body language and your eyes, all of that while you're saying that can be very soft while at the same time being very direct.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And you can also be very intense if you have to be. I don't see that as masculine at all. You know, when we talk about the role of femininity and masculinity, you know, most people have it very wrong, honestly. Like, you're not in your feminine if you're doing this. you know Thank you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And my mom was this young South African model who had a baby when she was really young with another guy. And you know here she found this man who was my father who was like this jewish doctor and so that's what you were supposed to do was get married to the person who was good on paper and i don't think that they were ever really in love i don't think she was ever really in love with him and
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
They definitely did not have any relationship skills. And there was a lot of emotional abuse and a little bit of violence and a lot of codependency. And, you know, my father also struggled. This was when I was young with addiction, but mostly like self-prescribed stuff. And so I grew up in a very, very tense household between two people with two parents who did not get along.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Thank you. I also wanted it to be sort of like a surrogate therapy couch for couples who just don't know how to find their way out. So yeah, it's for people who feel saddened and confused and determined to figure out this area of their life, which is relationships, romantic relationships in particular.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And there was just a lot of toxicity. So I was not modeled healthy relationships. And my father was a very complicated man. And I was born into a very sensitive constitution. I was just very sensitive. And so... he scared me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
It's available for, I mean, I don't even know if I say available for pre-order, but you can get it literally anywhere. Your local bookstore, Amazon, you can get it on Audible. So honestly, you just go to I think that you'll put a link it out and there's lots of different places where you can get the book from. Did you record the audio version? By the time this comes out? Yes. I love that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
I love when the author does the actual audio.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
I I'm doing the actual one for sure. So if you are someone who would prefer to listen to my voice or you're someone who likes to listen to books while you're on the go, then we'll have that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Oh, thank you so much. So yes, follow me on Instagram at Jillian Tarecki. I'm also on TikTok and threads and whatnot, but I'm the most active on Instagram. And I have a membership, a relationship school for women called The Conscious Woman, a bunch of courses. So you can just find that on my site, JillianTarecki.com. And Of course, my book and my podcast, Jillian on Love.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
He never physically abused me in any way, shape or form, but he was highly manipulative and there were some emotional, I guess you would call it abuse, but I found him to be very, very scary. So I grew up terrified of him and very attached to my mom. And so that created some dynamics, you know, for me later in life. And, you know, I was the child of
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And I grew up with siblings, but I was the child where when my parents announced that they were separating, I felt this tremendous weight off my shoulders. I thought, thank God he's leaving. A big part of my life has been understanding how my relationship with him and also my relationship with my mom, my relationship with my childhood has impacted my life. specifically romantic relationships.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And I've actually had some beautiful romantic relationships. So I don't want to misrepresent myself saying that like every relationship I've ever had has been hard. I've actually had good ones, but I think that that's also what's so nuanced about the conversation relationships. You can go through a stage of life where you have a great relationship and then you're later in life
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
then everything goes to hell because there's so much context around it. And so a large part of my life is learning how to, how to forgive him came later was more like, how do I be around this person without feeling like I'm terrified and feeling so deeply uncomfortable? my relationship with my father in many ways to find my life. And so learning how to deal with that was huge.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And I would say that my marriage, which ended, which was really the thing that got me into all of this. I taught yoga for many years, almost 20 years. And then I went through a relationship that was the most significant relationship of my life. And we got married and And then it ended in two years. And so I really wanted to understand.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
I became obsessed with trying to understand what happened between me and my ex-husband. And that was really the time where I had to, I was forced to reckon with my relationship with my father. And how I could not, because I was very avoidant of my father. In the relationship between me and my father, I was the avoidant. In the relationship between me and certain men, I was the anxious one.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
I couldn't avoid it anymore. I had to face it directly. And so that's a large part of what has influenced this book is learning how to heal, learning how to have your own back, learning to raise your self-esteem and also to take responsibility for what it is that goes on in a relationship. And I wanted to figure out years ago, like what actually makes a relationship work, but work really well.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And I wanted to distill it into very tangible truths and lessons. And I spent years trying to distill it. If I were to come up with like 10 truths or nine truths or seven truths, like what is it? What is the legacy that I would want to leave behind? Like, what do I feel people must understand? about themselves and about themselves relationally and about love. That's what I birthed in this book.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Meaning in every relationship, is there someone avoidant and there's someone anxious? No, I think in a lot of relationships, yes. you might find someone who is more wired for togetherness and values more togetherness. And then you might find someone who has been wired towards more autonomy. But there are also a lot of relationships where there's alignment in that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
So I think that it's not just anxious that the lens through which that we see relationship shouldn't just be about attachment theory. Attachment theory is a very important layer. It is not the only layer. It's just about how were you raised? Like, were you raised to just like go out into the world and be free and be left to your own devices?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Well, if so, then you were raised to become a very independent person. Or were you raised, maybe were people a little bit more protective of you? Or were you raised around more togetherness and connection? Well, then you are gonna probably be more wired towards dependence. in a relationship. So everyone brings their different things to the table of a relationship, how they were raised.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Everyone has limitations. And it's really about two people being able to work within the constructs of how they were raised if they can, if they can. But no, it's not that in every relationship, there's someone who's anxious and there's someone who's avoidant. It's so much more than that. In every relationship, there's someone who believes that over-communicating is better.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And then there's someone who was raised to believe that it's best to just sweep it under the rug. There are some people who were raised to raise their voices when they're upset because that's how you show that you care and there's passion. And then there's another person who was raised to believe that, no, you keep your voices quiet.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And anytime you raise your voice, that's almost a declaration of violence. So we all have unique histories and conditioning and beliefs, and we all have our different lenses through which we see the world.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And sometimes, you know, often we forget that when we get into a relationship with someone, we're getting to a relationship with a very unique individual who has their own unique ways of growing up. And part of creating a healthy relationship is understanding that to talking about that, seeing if you can find a middle ground in the areas where there's a little bit of conflict or discord.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And that's what it is. It's not just anxious or avoid. There's so many layers to it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
First, what I want to preface this is, if you were sexually abused, there was violence, I'm not in any way suggesting, nor would I ever ask someone to forgive their parent who did that to them. I think some things don't really warrant forgiveness. It's more making peace with your past so that your story about your parent with whom you have struggled, you start to change the story a little bit.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And the story does not have such a control over you. And so my story, particularly with my father was like, here's this person who's like this. And I'm this person who's like that. And I was very scared of him. But as you get older and as I got older, I started to realize, yes, that is all true. But there are other things that are true too.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Like it's also true that he grew up in a generation and in a culture where men weren't emotionally available. It is also true that he did the best that he could with the tools that he had. It is also true that He had certain gifts that I happen to have as well. So the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And sometimes the things that you adopt or that you inherit from your parents, even the crappy parent is great. So you have to start to see it differently. And it challenges us to become the wiser person in the room. And if you're in the room with the parent that you struggle with, like how do you transcend that? your ego, and all of that to kind of see things differently.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And that's the challenge. And it's not overnight. And it's about looking at your trauma differently and seeing it through a different lens, a more objective lens. So it's making peace. And I think that that's very important because when we really struggle, and sometimes, like I said, if it's strong abuse, maybe it's making peace with whatever happened with someone A lot of distance. Right.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
A lot of women, and men again will do this too, but a lot more women will silence what their needs are. Let me try to be cool. Let me go with the flow. Let me be a pleaser. Let me be a nurturer. Because everything is like, I want you to choose me. I want you to pursue me. I want to be like that fairy tale. And nothing could be further from the truth of what reality is.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
So you have to, when choosing a partner, for example, to expect a unicorn, to expect this person who's just not going to have any limitations is very, very, very silly. Like you cannot do that. But what you can expect of yourself and of another person is someone who's aware of their limitations.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And then what you have to be able to say to yourself is what limitations can I live with and what can I not live with?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And I hope that it woke her up a little bit. That's honestly a large part of what the book is about, is you need to be able to see the role that you're playing in the dynamic. And even more, this is how you can change it. Because awareness is the first step, but then changing the behavior is the next step. And change is where people is where we all struggle the most, to be honest.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
But yeah, I mean, if you love someone and you're in a relationship with them and something's not working out with them and you're going through a hard time, it's not to say that when there's a problem in a relationship, I am not suggesting that it's a 50-50 split, meaning like you're responsible for half of it and you're responsible for the other half.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
No, it could very well be that one person is more of a problem. Their behavior is more of a problem than the other. But more times than not, it really does take two to tango. And so the constant finger pointing without being able to say to yourself, okay, what am I doing that's contributing to whatever it is that's not working in my relationship?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
The moment you can ask yourself that is the moment that you transform yourself. You are transformed in that moment with just that question. And it's very, very important. So when I work with people and when I worked a lot with couples, nine times out of 10, I'm helping people see change. their role and their role could be their perspective.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Their role could be how they're just not considering the other person's side. Most people, when they go into like a couples therapy couch, they're thinking fix the other person. And, you know, oftentimes we change the dynamic between us and another person by changing ourselves. Not always, but often.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
I think I just really understand the mind of people and a lot of women, especially who are really great people, but struggle in relationships. I think I just understand that psychology because I've been that person before. So maybe that's it. And I think I just I draw a lot from my own experience as well as my professional experience. And I just try to really just say the truth.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
It is very hard. I mean, mindfulness is a practice. Mindfulness is a practice. The example that you gave, I mean, that could be so many different things. Like It could be that you're choosing the wrong men, right? That could be one thing. It could also be that a lot of women will, because we value safety so much,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
we have a habit of always trying to find what's wrong in another person because we're looking for danger so that we can protect ourselves from danger. So oftentimes, is it actions not matching up with words or is there a communication breakdown? Is it the way that you're asking for things or is it actually them not being into integrity?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
There's so many different ways to look at the scenario that you shared.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
mindfulness as a practice is okay if i want to be in a relationship with this person are our values aligned do we get along do i feel good around this person if i were to have a child would i want them to grow up to be like this person okay and then let's say you're like okay yes i think so i'm discovering so but we're having these issues okay how am i communicating
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Am I only thinking about my needs, my insecurity, my frustration, or am I taking the time to ask them about their experience of the same situation?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
More times than not, the reason why people find themselves in toxic dynamics, unhealthy dynamics is because of ignoring red flags, basically ignoring their intuition. It's just basically that. There's a paradox and there's many paradoxes in relationships. One is people tell you who they are pretty early on.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And the other one is at the same time, it does take time to discover who a person really is and their character. There are certain red flags that might just be like, give you some pause and it's worth exploration. So it's not just like, oh, I'm not sure if that's a red flag. You know, let me just bottle up inside and then like pull away or walk away. Let me ask the person about it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
You know, like, let's just say they're talking a lot about their ex and they're talking about their ex a lot and they're feeling like you start to get the feeling that maybe they're not entirely over this person. What you would say is, you know, I noticed that you talk about your ex a lot and I'm getting the sense that maybe there's still...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
some emotional charge there or maybe you just had a bad day around it or like I'd love to understand more but this is what I'm observing and then you see what they say you never know their ex could be their ex-spouse and they could say you know what really sorry we co-parent today was a bad day with them so they're top of mind but I'm going to be more mindful of that
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Or they might just like, you know, keep talking about how their ex is terrible, which is a really, that's a red flag because you want someone to be able to, first of all, not bad mouth their ex. And instead just be like, I learned a lot from that experience. This is what I learned. Because then you get the idea that they actually processed. But a lot of times people don't listen to their bodies.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Like when something happens, And it feels like an immediate like punch in your gut or shut down in your system. And something really doesn't feel good. They don't listen. They don't say, hey, that did not feel good. They don't take it seriously. They think, well, I'm really attracted to this person or I've just spent the last five months really trying to get to know them.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
So maybe that is it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
I don't want this to end. And there happens to be this whole inner dialogue that happens about why it can't end. And these are the things that I really try to empower a lot of people to pay attention to because those really unhealthy dynamics are ones in which people are ignoring their intuition.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
A couple of different ways. One is you check in with yourself and you ask yourself, what is it that I'm feeling right now? And how much does this actually have to do with this person? Or am I looking at this person and seeing mom, dad, and my ex? Or am I actually seeing this person as the pure person who they are?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Or am I looking at this person and seeing an idealized version of who I want them to be versus who they really are? So you check in with yourself. You really have to check in with yourself.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And if you still can't decipher because maybe you've had a lot of troubled relationship history and you're having trouble trusting yourself and you're starting to now feel really anxious about it, speak to someone who you trust who knows you, who's grounded, who can give you some outside perspective so that you get out of your head about it and you speak to someone about it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And I think that that's very helpful, whether it's a very close friend, a family member or a therapist, whoever it is, someone who you trust and you could be like, hey, this is what happened. And I just don't know, like, is this something that I should pay attention to? Or is this me just being a walk-in trigger? And that's another thing.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
I think that, you know, when we get into a relationship, part of what inspires me to teach people is assess how triggerable you are. Are you still being controlled by past relationships? Or have you looked at yourself and your role in it and the things that you can control? And have you kind of changed the story around it?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Or are you still stuck in the story of just constantly blaming your ex and feeling victimized by your ex? And so now it's like, you're just a walking trigger. So these are some of the things. And again, it's just... You don't have to get it perfect. It's just really honestly what it boils down to is self-reflection.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Well, first of all, men obsess quite a bit as well. They can, you know, not everyone obsesses, but they can obsess quite a bit as well. The obsessing usually happens when we are the ones who are being rejected. So it's the rejection is what stimulates all the obsessing because then we're like, we're not good enough. Should I try it harder? All of that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Obsessing is part of the breakup process and it's part of the rejection process. And you start to ruminate is really what it is. And you're going back in time and you're replaying certain conversations and you're seeing it played out differently and what you could have done differently differently. There's different ways to put a little bit of an end to that. One is to talk to someone.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Another is to journal, exercise, distract yourself with work a little bit. You are very right that what women will do is obsess over the person who they barely know, who they started dating. Does he like me? Does she like me? Are they into me? When are they going to call this or that? Because women, we are very conditioned to have this sort of choose me mentality. pick me, choose me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And men will get into this as well. It's not just women, but yes, more often than not, women will get into this wormhole basically of this person who they barely know that they have made the central character of their lives before that person has even gotten remotely close to earning that role. And it is the obsession with being enough and being chosen when in reality, You are the chooser.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Yeah. So, I mean, I grew up, my parents were immigrants. My father originally from Poland, my mom originally from South Africa, but then they met in South Africa and my parents had a terrible marriage. My father at the time was undiagnosed bipolar disorder. He was extremely narcissistic, but extremely intelligent to the point of a genius and very good at what he does.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And that is the most important thing. And we get caught up. And a lot of women, and it depends on their stage of life, they'll get caught up because maybe they want to have a family. They want to get married. They want to have the ring on their finger. They have all this anxiety and social and societal and familial pressure that's on their shoulders.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And so they meet someone who they're attracted to, who maybe looks good on paper, and they become totally obsessed with being good enough for them. And actually, that's exactly what turns the person off, particularly turns off a man. When really, you have to think, do I even want you? Are you good enough for me? Are our values aligned? Hey, this is what I need from you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Because a lot of women, and men, again, will do this too, but a lot more women will silence what their needs are. Let me try to be cool. Let me go with the flow. Let me be a pleaser. Let me be a nurturer. Because everything is like, I want you to choose me. I want you to pursue me. I want to be like that fairy tale. And nothing could be further from the truth of what reality is. And that is,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
You have to be the one who is direct and forward about what it is that you want. You are to be the one who is also choosing and you are going to become much more attractive to many more people when you actually assume that role. And you will scare some people away and those are the right people to scare away.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
So being direct is not the same thing as being antagonistic or being controlling. It's about being forward and vulnerable. There's tremendous vulnerability in exposing yourself to another person and saying, this is what I need from you. Because most of us are too busy unconsciously manipulating others to get our needs met. And we are trying to control the narrative.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
We're trying to control the way other people perceive us. So we're doing all this strategy. It's actually very vulnerable to say, I care enough about me and you and what we can build together for me to say, this is what I need from you. And tone and cadence and your body language and your eyes, all of that while you're saying that can be very soft while at the same time being very direct.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And that is, you have to be the one who is direct and forward about what it is that you want. You are to be the one who is also choosing. And you are going to become much more attractive to many more people when you actually assume that role.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And you can also be very intense if you have to be. I don't see that as masculine at all. You know, when we talk about the role of femininity and masculinity, you know, most people have it very wrong. Honestly, like you're not in your feminine if you're doing this. I think that if you prefer to be pursued, let the person pursue you. But that doesn't mean that you play hard to get.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
It just means that you're busy living your best life and you let there be the dance that is so fun in dating of there being a little bit of courting. Now, inside of a relationship, no one wants to be controlled all the time. And there's some value in allowing yourself to receive care from another person, allowing yourself to receive love.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
So I prefer to see it as more of a receptive energy rather than having to control everything around you. But being direct and forward about what it is that you need from someone is actually very vulnerable.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And my mom was this young South African model who had a baby when she was really young with another guy and And here she found this man who was my father, who was like this Jewish doctor. And so that's what you were supposed to do, was get married to the person who was good on paper. And I don't think that they were ever really in love. I don't think she was ever really in love with him. And
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Yeah, well, a few things. I mean, she didn't just attract the relationship. She chose the right relationship too, right? So that's very important. You can be sad and you can even be depressed and you can find love. What's going to feed the relationship is you getting help for that depression and not expecting someone to heal your depression.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Having meaning in life, having sources of connection that isn't just one person, I think is very important. And that might mean that someone has to look at their life holistically and say, okay, I don't have enough meaningful connection in my life. I'm making it all about finding that romantic partner.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
That is going to become stressful for my relationship because no one person could ever be everything for me. So what do I need to do to get more connection? And it might be hard. It might mean pushing yourself past your comfort zone, building community somewhere, joining a certain group of some sort where you can meet like-minded people.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
You know, that's why they call it inner work, because sometimes we have to learn how to meet our needs in ways that we are not accustomed to meeting our needs so that we don't do that thing that we usually do in a relationship that doesn't work anymore.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
So oftentimes, like this person who you were referring to, I believe it was the one who kept on dating cheaters and she had developed this belief that all men cheat, which is, of course, it's not true. Right. In fact, more women statistically than men cheat on their spouses. But she had a pattern of choosing these men that had really, really big character defects.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And she would overlook it because she just wanted the relationship. So when she learned to kind of challenge those beliefs and also realize that like, She put all this stock in a romantic relationship and totally forgot about the things that actually bring her joy and a sense of peace and a sense of calm and a sense of contentment.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And when she started to nurture that in herself and remove some of the dire necessity of a romantic relationship right now, then she was able to date with fewer expectations, more open-mindedness, and happiness. a lot more discernment. So it does play a really big role. Well, it sure ended up working out for her.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Absolutely. I think a lot is possible. Look, I think we human beings have a tremendous capacity to change. We usually don't change. A lot of people don't change because change is scary, but we have the capacity to change.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And I think that, you know, when someone is unhappy in their relationship or they find themselves chronically single and they've just gotten to the point where I got to at one point in my life is like, okay, I need to figure this out. That's why I wrote the book.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
They definitely did not have any relationship skills. And there was a lot of emotional abuse and a little bit of violence and a lot of codependency. And, you know, my father also struggled. This was when I was young with addiction, but mostly like self-prescribed stuff. And so I grew up in a very, very tense household between two people with two parents who did not get along.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Yeah, so one is learn how to meet your needs and challenge yourself. There is great value in learning how to talk to yourself in a way that's respectful. And that's very, very important because we tend to talk to ourselves pretty terribly. So that's very important.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
But there's an element to building your self-worth that's not talked about enough, which I talk about in the book, which is do the hard thing. Challenge yourself. to overcome a fear or to try that new project or to communicate when you're not used to communicating. This is actually how we raise our self-esteem. We actually have to do some hard things and then we're proud of ourselves.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And then we see that like, wow, I just overcame an obstacle. And then we can start to look back at all the miles that we've walked and the things that we've had to face. And we start to see the resilience inside ourselves. And that starts to increase our self-esteem.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Absolutely. It's all about empowerment for sure. So learning how to meet your needs, like your needs for connection, your needs for fun, your needs for adventure, your needs for fulfillment, like really understanding like what it is that you need in life, like what's missing and how can I start to fill in that gap for myself? So you can think of what's missing is a void, right?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
We talk a lot about sort of in the zeitgeist, like these voids that we have to fill, right? Part of it is that you want to be able to fill some of those voids for yourself. And the way that you can is by asking yourself a very simple question, like what exactly is missing from my life? And then someone might say, well, it's a loving relationship. Okay, fine, valid.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
You can't control the timing of things. You can date like it's your job, or you can try to fill yourself up with love in other ways. And that's important.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
I mean, honestly, I wrote the book for the person who can't seem to figure out why they have it all together in many areas of their life, but they can't figure out the relationship part. whether they're in a relationship or single or heartbroken. And I wrote for the person who's in a lot of pain about that. And they are confused and sort of perplexed and sad about it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And maybe they're the person who everyone says like, you're a cat, you're smart, you're beautiful, you're handsome, whatever. It's like, there's so many things that you have going on, but you can't Like this area, you can't seem to figure it out, or I'm in this relationship and I can't make it better.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
So I wanted it to be sort of a personal empowerment book for people who maybe tolerated less than they did deserve. I also wanted it to be sort of like a surrogate therapy couch for couples who just don't know how to find their way out.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
So yeah, it's for people who feel saddened and confused and determined to figure out this area of their life, which is relationships, romantic relationships in particular.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
It's available for, I mean, I don't even know if I say available for pre-order, but you can get it literally anywhere. Your local bookstore, Amazon, you can get it on Audible. So honestly, you just go to I think you'll put, link it out. And there's lots of different places where you can get the book from. Did you record the audio version? By the time this comes out, yes. I love that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
I love when the author does the actual audio. Oh yeah, I'm doing the actual one for sure. So if you are someone who would prefer to listen to my voice or you're someone who likes to listen to books while you're on the go, then we'll have that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And there was just a lot of toxicity. So I was not modeled healthy relationships. And my father was a very complicated man. And I was born into a very sensitive constitution. I was just very sensitive. And so... He scared me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Oh, thank you so much. So yes, follow me on Instagram at Jillian Tarecki. I'm also on TikTok and threads and whatnot, but I'm the most active on Instagram. And I have a membership, a relationship school for women called The Conscious Woman, a bunch of courses. So you can just find that on my site, JillianTarecki.com. And Of course, my book and my podcast, Jillian on Love.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
He never physically abused me in any way, shape or form, but he was highly manipulative and there was some emotional, I guess you would call it abuse, but I found him to be very, very scary. So I grew up terrified of him and very attached to my mom. And so that created some dynamics, you know, for me later in life. And, you know, I was the child of
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And I grew up with siblings, but I was a child where when my parents announced that they were separating, I felt this tremendous weight off my shoulders. I thought, thank God he's leaving. A big part of my life has been understanding how my relationship with him and also my relationship with my mom, my relationship with my childhood has impacted my life, specifically romantic relationships.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And I've actually had some beautiful romantic relationships. So I don't want to misrepresent myself saying that like every relationship I've ever had has been hard. I've actually had good ones, but I think that that's also what's so nuanced about the conversation relationships.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
You can go through a stage of life where you have a great relationship and then you're later in life, then everything goes to hell because there's so much context around it. And so a large part of my life is learning how to, how to forgive him came later was more like, how do I be around this person without feeling like I'm terrified and feeling so deeply uncomfortable and
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
my relationship with my father in many ways to find my life. And so learning how to deal with that was huge. And I would say that my marriage, which ended, which was really the thing that got me into all of this. I taught yoga for many years, almost 20 years. And then I went through a relationship that was the most significant relationship of my life. And we got married and
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And then it ended in two years. And so I really wanted to understand. I became obsessed with trying to understand what happened between me and my ex-husband. And that was really the time where I had to, I was forced to reckon. with my relationship with my father and how I could not because I was very avoidant of my father. In the relationship between me and my father, I was the avoidant.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
In the relationship between me and certain men, I was the anxious one. I couldn't avoid it anymore. I had to face it directly. And so that's a large part of what has influenced this book is learning how to heal, learning how to have your own back, learning to raise your self-esteem and also to take responsibility for what it is that goes on in a relationship.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And I wanted to figure out years ago, what actually makes a relationship work, but work really well. And I wanted to distill it into very tangible truths and lessons. And I spent years trying to distill it. If I were to come up with 10 truths or nine truths or seven truths, what is it? What is the legacy that I would want to leave behind? What do I feel people must understand?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
about themselves and about themselves relationally and about love. That's what I birthed in this book.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Meaning in every relationship, is there someone avoidant and there's someone anxious? No, I think in a lot of relationships, yes. you might find someone who is more wired for togetherness and values more togetherness. And then you might find someone who has been wired towards more autonomy. But there are also a lot of relationships where there's alignment in that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
So I think that it's not just anxious that the lens through which that we see relationship shouldn't just be about attachment theory. Attachment theory is a very important layer. It is not the only layer. It's just about how were you raised? Like, were you raised to just like go out into the world and be free and be left to your own devices?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Well, if so, then you were raised to become a very independent person. Or were you raised, maybe were people a little bit more protective of you? Or were you raised around more togetherness and connection? Well, then you are going to probably be more wired towards dependence, right? in a relationship. So everyone brings their different things to the table of a relationship, how they were raised.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Everyone has limitations. And it's really about two people being able to work within the constructs of how they were raised if they can, if they can. But no, it's not that in every relationship, there's someone who's anxious and there's someone who's avoidant. It's so much more than that. In every relationship, there's someone who believes that over-communicating is better.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And then there's someone who was raised to believe that it's best to just sweep it under the rug. There are some people who were raised to raise their voices when they're upset because that's how you show that you care and there's passion. And then there's another person who was raised to believe that, no, you keep your voices quiet.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And anytime you raise your voice, that's almost a declaration of violence. So we all have unique histories and conditioning and beliefs, and we all have our different lenses through which we see the world. And sometimes, no, often we forget that when we get into a relationship with someone, we're getting to a relationship with a very unique individual who has their own unique ways of growing up.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And part of creating a healthy relationship is understanding that, talking about that, seeing if you can, find a middle ground in the areas where there's a little bit of conflict or discord. And that's what it is. It's not just anxious or avoid. There's so many layers to it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
First, what I want to preface this is, if you were sexually abused, there was violence, I'm not in any way suggesting, nor would I ever ask someone to forgive their parent who did that to them. I think some things don't really warrant forgiveness. It's more making peace with your past so that your story about your parent with whom you have struggled, you start to change the story a little bit.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And the story does not have such a control over you. And so my story, particularly with my father was like, here's this person who's like this. And I'm this person who's like that. And I was very scared of him. But as you get older and as I got older, I started to realize, yes, that is all true. But there are other things that are true too.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Like it's also true that he grew up in a generation and in a culture where men weren't emotionally available. It is also true that he did the best that he could with the tools that he had. It is also true that He had certain gifts that I happen to have as well. So the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Oh, thank you so much for having me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And sometimes the things that you adopt or that you inherit from your parents, even the crappy parent is great. So you have to start to see it differently. And it challenges us to become the wiser person in the room. And if you're in the room with the parent that you struggle with, like how do you transcend that? your ego and all of that to kind of see things differently. And that's the challenge.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
And it's not overnight. And it's about looking at your trauma differently and seeing it through a different lens, a more objective lens. So it's making peace. And I think that that's very important because when we really struggle, and sometimes, like I said, if it's strong abuse, maybe it's making peace with whatever happened with a lot of distance. So everyone has a different path.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
But the most dangerous person to be in a relationship with, other than the person who's the low-hanging fruit dangerous, which is violent, manipulative, narcissist, we know that that's dangerous. So let's just say, let's table that. Let's shelve that kind of dangerous person. The next dangerous person to be in a relationship with.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
is the person who is unaware of how their childhood has affected the way that they show up in a relationship, who literally just does not know, who does not have that awareness, and who isn't able to admit it and to talk about it with their partner. So we have to be able to do that, and that's very important.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
Most people are not diving into it. And there is some value to saying, look, I grew up this way. You got to make the best of it and move on. And I realized that because mom was like this or dad wasn't always present, sometimes I do this. Most people, you are right, are not aware of their imperfections. But it takes a lot of confidence.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#490: It Starts with YOU: Nine Lessons to Change Your Life with Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Teacher, Podcaster, Author, & Speaker
You just have to know the ways in which you are actually difficult in a relationship and have a little sense of humor about it and love yourself anyway, and then say, you know, I'm going to work on this. That's really what it's all about. And then we also have to be very mindful of the fact that every single person has limitations. Now, some people have huge limitations, but we're all limited.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
We want someone to come into our lives to make up for whatever deficits we have in our character. But there's no one coming into your life who's going to be perfect. Everyone has an inner child. Everyone has their stuff.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
You know, it's funny, most of the time I'm telling people they need to have more difficult conversations with each other because my experience with people is that we tend to avoid these hard conversations because we don't really know how to communicate about it and it's very uncomfortable. However, there are people who talk about their relationship too much.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And really what they would benefit from is just letting go and having more fun and stop talking about the relationship constantly. I think that. I think in general, women like to talk about their relationship more than men.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And one of the conflicts that I see particularly in heteronormative relationships is the woman always wanting to talk about the relationship and the man never wanting to talk about the relationship. And the thing is, is that him never wanting to talk about the relationship is a problem and her always wanting to talk about the relationship is also a problem.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
So I think it's about bringing that awareness to your relationship and just saying, you know, how often am I bringing up us and not spending time enjoying us? Or, you know, am I, you know, am I just not listening to my partner? I keep avoiding this uncomfortable conversation.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Yeah, absolutely, one of my truths in the book, one of my chapters is you must tell the truth. So telling the truth is really important because, and it starts with telling the truth to ourselves. So yeah, having those important conversations are very important, but also, timing, right? So it's not, you're not bringing up their relationship all day, all the time.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And at times when they're in the middle of your partners in the middle of like a work meeting. So I really do think timing, I keep coming back to this, but I do think the timing of these conversations and when we bring them up really truly determines how that conversation will go. The quality of the conversation.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Yeah.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
All those feelings that you feel in the beginning have the potential to be dangerous emotionally because they can make it so that you are not seeing the red flags, that you're lying to yourself, that you're just like rushing to seal the deal with this person. You have to be so incredibly dedicated to whatever intention you have going into a dating scenario.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Oh, yeah. That's very, very, very important for sure.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
I would also be very curious to hear your thoughts on it. So we'll start with the unhealthy. In my view, unhealthy conflict, there's name-calling issues.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
there's stonewalling there's criticism of character there's control protest behavior like i said and also avoidance so to me that all falls under the category of unhealthy and um of course if there's this should go without say if there's violence of any kind then that is a deal breaker so That to me in my book is unhealthy conflict. I think that, you know,
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
It's sometimes voices will rise and things will get heated and that happens. I really think though that conflict is a part of relationship, but you shouldn't be spending a lot of your relationship. There should be, and this is the research of the Gottmans, there really should be two to three more times more positive memories and experience in your relationship than negative.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
So I do think that conflict is a part of relationships, but if you are spending the majority of your time, the majority of your relationship is spent in conflict, something is wrong. And you need help. So healthy conflict is listening to each other, having manners with each other, and just like basic manners and respect. Let's not forget that.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Respecting the other person's point of view, respecting their feelings, not being critical or name-calling. I think that healthy conflict is also, you know, truly healthy conflict, like advanced healthy conflict is it's, you know, it's, it's you and me against this problem.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
But when those things come up, you want to take full responsibility. And even if that's an hour later and you come back and you say, I'm really sorry. Like I was not my best self. That was not cool of me. I love you. Please forgive me.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
My work isn't really focused around statistics. It's more just my experience of working with people. A trend that I'm seeing in modern dating and modern relationships is this idea of 50-50, which is I scratch your back just as long as you scratch my back. And I'm going to put 50% of my...
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And there can be passion. You know, you can say, you know, I'm really angry right now. Like I'm really fucking pissed off right now. You can do that without, without attacking the other person and their character.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Has to have containment. You can't be raging against the person.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
I feel like I should be like, but like, you know, like that's it. Like it starts with your relationship with yourself. The more you have struggled with relationships and maybe you're in with your past and you might have to really confront a lot of triggering moments in a romantic relationship. And it really starts with understanding who you are emotionally and what you bring to the table.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
So I would say that. And then the second thing that I would say is who you choose, who you choose to be your life partner is the most important decision you'll ever make. And I think it's over 50% of the battle. I think it's really selection and we're meant to get it wrong. I mean, I don't, you know, like it's okay.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
You know, like if someone's like 20 years old and listening to this and thinking they're going to like have to make the right choice, like, no, I, I would say make a lot of wrong choices and have a lot of fun while you're doing that, you know, learn, but it's selection is very important.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
mental, emotional, physical, financial resources into the relationship and you're going to put 50 and we're going to meet each other exactly halfway all the time, which is a great antidote to relationships of the 50s, for example, where there was just a lot of misogyny and there was just a lot of imbalance.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Yeah, and one thing that I would say, and I don't even know if I actually mentioned this in this book, wish I did, but I'll say it here, which is understanding your partner. Like profoundly, you're not going to understand everything about them because we're so complex and we barely understand ourselves.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
But if you could make understanding your partner profoundly important to you, and that means if they are not your gender, understanding them, a little bit about the psychology of men or women or whoever you date. So, because they, men and women have different, they're different, right? Or, and understanding what their dreams are, what their fears are, what makes them, what makes them feel loved.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
A lot of us, and I understand this completely, we get into a relationship, but our deepest craving is to be understood. and to be loved for who we are and to have that thing, that love that somehow we are not able to give ourselves. We want that from someone else. And when you enter a relationship, we forget that that person is seeking out the same thing.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And so if people were just like, if they really want to become great partners and have healthier partnerships and you love someone, Become like a master of them. And what I mean by a master of them, like you're mastering a skill, but the skill is them. Like you really understand them. Because when we really understand someone, then we can more completely fulfill their needs.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And people who are getting their deepest needs met by each other, they don't break up. They don't cheat. They don't stray away. Sure, there are some people who cheat because that's their problem, but they don't break up.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Both of it. You know, I had a thought about conflict since we were talking about that. And I had a conversation recently with a really dear friend of mine. And she's actually married to someone who's in many ways more emotionally in touch than she is. And that's usually you...
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
But what's happening now is that relationships are so transactional and, you know, we're even calling them partnerships, which fine, you know, like I say partner all the time, but it is an interesting thing, isn't it? Because that is, that's actually, now that we're talking about statistics, statistically speaking, using the word partner is, for any kind of relationship is actually quite unusual.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Usually if it's a man and a woman's married, it's usually the woman complaining about her husband or her spouse that he's not as emotionally in touch. But he is really, he has a high degree of emotional intelligence.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Now she has a high degree too, but he has a high degree of relational, like innate relational intelligence and wisdom that I think is just a part of his personality and also a part of what he was raised with and his parents. And whenever they have a problem,
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
The way that he approaches it, which she explained to me has been, you know, sometimes she's really resistant to it, but she does credit it for being what makes him such an amazing partner and what has made their marriage so strong, even in the midst of, you know, regular problems, is that when there's a problem, he's like, no, we're going to figure this out right now.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
We're going to figure this out. Let's talk about this. Let's not avoid it. Let's figure it out. Let's squash it. Let's come to some understanding. And I really think that there is something extremely valuable for having that kind of understanding. commitment and dedication and involvement in your relationship that you're just willing to just do it right then and there.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
You know, I know that when I say right then and there, it's just, I'm not saying, you know, maybe it's that evening, but there's no, there isn't an avoidance of it.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Oh man, there's so many.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Yeah. Well, I would say let's just, I want to talk about people who are also single, who are having a hard time finding like, you know, building strong relationships and maybe they get into a lot of situations where they get into these relationships where they're not treated that well. Like a really common pattern is someone who, you know, I mean, every time
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
They sabotage by keep going back to the person who they know they don't feel good with, but they have a weak moment where they feel lonely. Or maybe things are actually going well in their life and they think, oh, I can handle this now. I can handle this relationship now. Or they're bored. A lot of people...
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
will sabotage themselves when it comes to their romantic relationships because they're bored and they really value more adventure and excitement, but they haven't yet learned how to meet that need for themselves. So they seek out chaos in their love lives simply because they're bored or they don't feel like they have a lot of direction in life and they haven't yet
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
learned how to live a life that they're meeting many of their needs. So I think that's one of the most common, in my practice, the most common sabotaging things that I've seen. I think there's also the people who, every time the relationship is going well, it's like, let me see if I can create a little drama because, I don't know, because I'm bored, because- Unconsciously, they don't feel safe.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, or I don't feel safe, or I want to test the person to see how safe this relationship actually is. So let me create a little drama to see if it's okay. Do they really love me even when I'm not my best? There's all these things that, I mean, the list goes on and on. I'm curious to hear what are the major things self-sabotaging moments?
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Partners used to be referred to as business partners, and then you would see it in the gay community, but now it's like, no, this isn't my boyfriend, this isn't my girlfriend, this isn't my husband, this isn't my wife, this is my partner. What I like about it is I like this idea of partner in crime and this idea that like we're coming together and we are partner.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Yeah. And it begins with self-regulation. it's being able to take that pause before you're in reaction mode. And that's why it's very important to mitigate resentment because once resentment takes over, it's very, very difficult to self-regulate because it builds up like a pressure cooker inside of you.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
So two things. One is, so if you're resentful, you have to ask yourself two questions. One is, is there something that I should be saying that I haven't been saying? That's the most important question. Because a lot of times it comes from a lack of communication. And so we get in our heads and then we stew, right? We ruminate.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And then the thing that we're upset about actually becomes this, this like, crazy story inside our heads. What I mean by crazy, it just gets very big. It gets really big. And so we ruminate, we ruminate, we ruminate. And then we're no longer in relation. At that point, we're no longer in relationship with this person. We're in a relationship with the story that we have about the person.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And so we're not even seeing it anymore. Actually, what's happening is that we're looking at our partner and we have a filter right in front of our eyes. And that filter is showing us mom, it's showing us dad, it's showing us our exes. And so the mind can really play tremendous tricks on us. So is there something that you should be saying that you're not saying?
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And then number two is, what are your expectations of this person? And are they realistic? And are they understood and communicated about?
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
It's like you and me against the world kind of thing, or you and me against the trials and tribulations of the world. So I think it actually, I don't want to poo poo it too much. I think it has some value, but where we get tripped up is okay. Then we're really like these partners and you do this and you do this and then we're good. There's no passion. There's no chemistry.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Well, you bring up something very interesting because and this certainly does not apply to everyone. There are lots of people who are commitment phobic and they won't commit. And I would say, you know, come to the curb, honestly, you know, if you're with them for a long time.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
But I think that it's worth saying that there are people who fear that label because they've been trained by former partners to as soon as they got that label, all of a sudden they had all these, they were being, their shoulders are being crushed by the weight of their partner's expectations. It's like, okay, now you're my boyfriend. So now I'm expecting this, this, this, and this.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And I think that that might, you know, if you're someone who does that, you know, who does have those expectations, consider what that might be doing to your partner. Consider how that might actually be really overwhelming for them and want them to hide.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
No, it's not.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Though I do think that should be communicated. I think that when there's children involved and there is a biological clock, I think it needs to be discussed.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And it is a big conversation. So this is how I kind of generally approach this. Figure out what is absolutely essential for you to thrive in a relationship. Not your preferences, but what you really, really need. Based on that, you'll know you should have at least three to five deal breakers, where even if you meet what seems like the perfect person, you have your deal breakers.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
All the rest tolerate. So figure out what that is. Now, if you're thinking about what it is that you need, too high expectations, okay. So we have a tendency, there's two patterns. I work with a lot of people where their standards are just too low. But then, yeah, their standards are too low. and they date down and they tolerate a lot of crap. But what I will say is that people,
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
There are people who have really high expectations. They're expecting the perfect partner. They're expecting the one. Like, I work with both people. There's two camps, right? There's no one coming to save you. There's no perfect partner. We all, on an unconscious level, we have to really have a little laugh about this.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
We want someone to come into our lives to make up for whatever deficits we have in our character. But there's no one coming into your life who's gonna be perfect. Everyone has an inner child. Everyone has their stuff. But being able to differentiate between what is the tolerable and the intolerable is a very, very important skill that I think people need to develop within themselves.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
There's none of the juice that makes a romantic relationship what it is versus a business partnership or a friendship in 50-50. The goal is both people putting their all into the relationship and And realistically speaking, there's going to be periods of times or days where you're at 20% and your partner's at 80%. And it's not about keeping tabs.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
You're not going to find the perfect-looking person with the perfect six-pack, with the perfect bank account, who always is communicative and has no childhood trauma. It's just not going to happen. And the thing is, none of us are perfect. So figure out... What's absolutely essential. You're like, if you're like, I need someone who's highly emotionally intelligent. Okay. Are you? Yep.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And what does that actually look like? But I think that you could say, you know, I've been in relationships with people who are very avoidant. So you could have a deal breaker and say, not going to happen. Like, you know, they need to be able to have a conversation with me. It is extraordinary to meet someone who, lives primarily in their hearts and in their bodies rather than in their heads.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And the person who lives more in their heart and are more connected to themselves, they are safer. So find if you want to find that person, but you have to cultivate that within yourself and you have to be willing to give safety to the other person as well.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
So it's just a fact. Once the hormones are and it happens a lot for women, especially women who have a high amount of estrogen in their bodies. It's like once they sleep with someone, once they feel emotionally connected to someone, all this oxytocin comes up. You know, when we, it's, we are just, it's biological. We have chemistry with someone. We are not going to see them very clearly.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
If we're lonely, you, if you compound that with a little bit of loneliness, which is nothing to be ashamed of, we live in a very lonely time. And then you really want to, or you're like worried that you're not going to meet someone or your biological clock is ticking, whatever it is. And then you sleep with them.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
You're going to, there's going to be a part of you that wants a relationship with them. And so I certainly, For me personally, I'm not gonna be in a relationship with someone where I don't feel safe and also I'm attracted to them. It's a deal breaker. However, however,
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
if I'm like finding someone very, very sexy and I'm very attracted to them, that doesn't mean I'm going to pursue a relationship with them. That might mean that I have to actually put like the iron wall in front of me and be like, do not enter because I know that that's going to be problematic. Chemistry can also build when you feel safe with someone.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
There's also, you could have amazing spiritual chemistry with someone and then explore your sexuality with that person. So there's lots of different things, but what people have to understand is that
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
All those feelings that you feel in the beginning are actually quite dangerous emotionally because they can't have the potential to be dangerous emotionally because they can actually make it so that you are not seeing the red flags. It can make it that you're lying to yourself. It can make it so that you're just like rushing to seal the deal with this person.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
So I really do think that processing your enthusiasm, reminding yourself that you're feeling a lot of attraction for someone, but you have to be so incredibly dedicated to whatever intention you have going into a dating scenario. And I would say if you're someone who tends to fall quickly, you gotta really, really slow it down.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
So chemistry can really mess with us, can really mess with us if we don't know our value, if we don't know what it is that we actually want in a relationship. And so, yeah, I hope that answered your question.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
It's about if you both have the understanding that, like, I've got your back when you're not feeling great and you've got my back when I'm not feeling great. And, you know, maybe I don't like to do the dishes, so we hire someone to do the dishes if we can. Or you do the dishes, but I'm doing something else. So it's a conversation.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Yeah, so the book is called It Begins With You, The Nine Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life. Well, I think for the purposes of our conversation today, since we talked a lot about communication and conflict resolution, there is a truth about that your mind is a battlefield. And so we have to really be very mindful of the stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
and the stories that we tell ourselves about the person who we're dating or in a relationship with or married to, because some of us can have a pretty bad habit of getting stuck in our heads and creating this, well, if they loved me then, or if they did this or this or that, and we do that instead of communicating, and we also do that
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And then we almost are like fighting this silent war with our partner that they don't even know that they're a part of because we've gotten so in our heads. And we create all these conditions, like I said, well, if they love me, then they would do this and this and that. And I think the art is building a strong relationship. Part of what the nuance of that art is mindfulness
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And so being mindful of when your mind is really taken over and you're not thinking clearly and you're creating a lot of stories.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
I think that the hardest one is going to be recognizing that it does begin with you. But I really try to encourage people that that's a great, great, great thing because it means that you can create change. I also think the last one about making peace with your parents. And I talk a lot about that. And
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
i do put a disclaimer in the book that if you were severely abused or molested that this is i give a little section to people who may be experiencing that i don't expect you to like you know make peace with your parents That's a whole different process. But that aside, and it doesn't necessarily have to, you don't necessarily have to have had a troubling relationship with a parent.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
It could be the peace that you make with your parent could be finally allowing yourself to be who you want to be in the world rather than who you believe that they expect you to be. You know, making peace with your parents is, you know, doing what's right for you rather than trying to please them constantly. Making peace might be, you know, I had a very complicated relationship with my father.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And so that's a very long answer to I think that that's like the main trend in modern relationships that, again, has some value in terms of what it is anecdotal to in terms of what it what it is an antidote to in terms of. marriages of our parents and their parents, but it doesn't really, it's not serving people. I'm curious your thoughts on that too.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Making peace is maybe starting to see them in a different light. And it's starting, it doesn't, it doesn't mean that if you do have a troubling relationship with your parent, it doesn't mean, okay, well now you're going to have a great relationship and it's all going to be like rainbows and unicorns and lollipops. But if you can change your
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
some of the story and the beliefs that you have about your relationship with them or about them. And you can start to soften the ego and soften yourself inside to be able to see things a little bit differently so that you can be free, so that you can go into a relationship without having your mommy or daddy issues control the entire relationship, so that you can be in control of your destiny.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
when it comes to your relationship versus an outdated story or your past. And I think that that's going to be very helpful for people, but I think at first it might be somewhat confronting and it might be emotional for some people.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
I can tell a little bit of my own story. One of the truths is, you know, no one is coming to save you. And what I would say is it's not like I ever had this conscious intellectual belief that like, yeah, some knight in shining armor is gonna come in and rescue me.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
But unconsciously, and this is a lot of the programming that we all have from literature and art and films and rom-coms, unconsciously, I had this hope, this dream, this belief that with the so-called right person, I was somehow going to be transformed. And the paradox is that love can be transforming and love can be healing, but my stuff is still my stuff and I'm still going to have to face it.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
If you're someone who tends to fall quickly, you gotta really, really slow it down. Actually, what's happening is that we're looking at our partner and we have a filter right in front of our eyes, and that filter is showing us mom, it's showing us dad, it's showing us our exes. Conflict is a part of relationships, advanced healthy conflict. It's you and me against this problem.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And if I want to keep this right person, I'm definitely going to have to face it. And so, you know, in the beginning, when we're in the honeymoon stage, We're like, okay, wow, I'm not anxious anymore. I'm not depressed anymore. I'm not worried about this other thing because we're in such an elevated, heightened state of euphoria. It's like we're on drugs.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And then when things start to settle and we're like, oh, you're a real person. I'm a real person. We're not belonging on any pedestals. We actually have to do this thing called a relationship and that's going to require some work. We have, it can be a very rude awakening of like, oh, you know, my depression is still there. My anxiety is still there. My problems are still there.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Or, you know, this person is not responsible for my happiness. I actually really have to learn how to have my own back while also balancing that with some interdependence with this person. And this is not an easy task for most people. And so for me, it was like learning how to be financially independent. For me, it was learning that fulfillment
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
that a relationship can add to my fulfillment, a person can add to my fulfillment, but whatever I struggle with, like love is not actually going to save the entire day. So learning how to meet my needs, learning how to kind of save myself so that I can enter a relationship. I don't believe that the bullshit that you have to be fully whole, because I don't think we're ever fully whole,
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
But, and though there might be things that you really do need to fill within yourself, whether that's through your other friendships or community, so that when you enter a relationship, you realize like this person was not put on this earth to make me happy. That's actually not their job. And it's not my, I wasn't put on this earth to just make someone else happy.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And once you can really, really embody that, I think relationships transform.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Yeah, well, first, I just want to just thank you for having me on. I really appreciate you. This was a really lovely conversation. And thank you. So yeah, you know, my first and last name. So to get the book, it's JillianTerecki.com slash book. I'm all over Instagram, TikTok, YouTube. I have my podcast, Jillian on Love. And that's where you can find me.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Thank you so much. I appreciate you.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Yeah. There's another trend, but you said one that's really troubling me. I don't know if this is troubling me, but I do think it's worth the conversation, which is that, you know, cause you brought up this idea of community, right? And Never before in modern relationships, like this idea of a soulmate, that's very new. You know, it's new and like this idea of romanticism.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
It used to be like, it takes a village. It's a community. You marry the person who's, you know, who is in your community or there's a range marriages. And so when we're looking at through the modern lens, it's like, I want to meet this person. Who's my twin flame. Who's my soulmate. Who's my everything.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And I think that that actually does trouble me because it's a lot of pressure to put on a person. And I think it's a lot of pressure to feel on our shoulders that we have to be someone's everything.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
before I get into that, one thing that I want to say about conflict is that, you know, when we, conflict has such a big umbrella, right? And so you don't want to be in constant conflict with your partner.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Yes. Right. For sure. And if you never have any conflict, then my, My curiosity is peaked in so far as I'm wondering how much the two of you are actually involved in each other's lives, or are you living separate lives? Are you doing the, you know, let's just brush everything under the rug, right? So conflict is a part of relationship, but so here's the thing.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
The most successful couples I know believe that conflict is about two people coming together and solving a problem. rather than two people coming together and thinking the other is the problem. And I know that that's easier said than done, but I've worked with thousands of people now. And what I will say is that that is always really the thing.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
You can't let resentment poison your relationship. That means that you have to speak up, you have to stop having so many expectations of your partner to be perfect. Conflict prevention is really resentment prevention. But if you are spending the majority of your time in conflict, something is wrong.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Also, there are certain things that you are never going to resolve. it is always going to be an issue. Can you let it go? Can you accept that this is something that the two of you are always going to kind of like, there's never going to be any true resolution and can you let it go?
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Because sometimes when there isn't any true resolution, the resolution is the letting go of it and to stop harping on it. You are correct. It's how people repair. And what I would add to that is how quickly does a couple bounce back from conflict? Because every relationship goes through cycles. There's cycles of closeness. Then there might be cycles where you're not as emotionally close.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
There's a little like, so it's like, let's say cycle of connection, disconnection, and then finding each other again. So some people refer to it as harmony, disharmony, and then repair. And so The goal is to understand that there is that cycle and to become more aware of when there is disconnection and to do what it takes to find connection again.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And so sometimes that's not just like repairing a specific fight, but it's like, how do we reconnect? So here are some real concrete takeaways. You can't let resentment poison your relationship. You just can't. That means that you have to speak up. That means that you, for some people, it means you have to stop having so many expectations of your partner to be perfect.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And when they make a mistake, then you're angry with them and then you feel resentful. Like I said, for more people than not, it's speaking up and saying, you know, this is a problem. I need to talk about this. So conflict prevention is really resentment prevention. When there is conflict, it's all in how you talk about it with your partner.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
So if you do things like we need to talk right now, and so you get into protest behavior and control behavior, that doesn't work. But it's really about can you listen to each other? Can you empathize with what the other person is feeling? Can you express your feelings in such a way that you are not villainizing your partner. And there's an art form to that.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And it's really just saying, look, I know you didn't mean this, but what it feels like in my body, what I am experiencing from this, what my perspective of this, and therefore I'm very upset. And can you listen and can you empathize? And then can you both like look at the problem and be like, okay, how are we going to collaborate to kind of fix this problem?
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
But really, honestly, the best couples I know, and this is going to be hard for some people to hear, but the best couples I know are really respectful of each other. And so they don't let their arguments get dirty. They don't hit below the belt.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
I love what you shared. I also love that there's humor involved. I think that humor is one of the best pattern interrupts ever. It Couples can start laughing together. But I love that.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
I think that, you know, just to kind of piggyback on that is one of the biggest mistakes I see people make is they keep digging and pushing the button when the other person is on the edge of their like, like they're going to lose it and of their dysregulation. And that's when things totally erupt and become crazy.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
And so I love that because if we can have respect for the timing of things, which is, you know, if I'm flooded right now emotionally, this is not going to end well. And having that, I don't even think that should be an advanced tool. I think that should be taught like on day one.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Yeah. Yeah. So good.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
Don't have important, don't have those conversations at night in bed period.
Healing + Human Potential
The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72
That's not the time to bring up stuff. So I think the timing of when you bring up something that's bothering you is, I think timing is everything. So yes, so just try to avoid that whole scenario altogether where you're up late at night talking about the relationship. It's terrible.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
How are you doing? Great. I'm happy to be here. I feel like maybe we could have couples therapy.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Yeah. We definitely need it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Take advantage while you've got me. Yes.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
If they're in a, you know, especially with my podcast, if you're in a relationship and you're wanting to make it work, I try to give as best couples advice as I possibly can, especially like in the dating process or like the first six months of a relationship, which you know, is, is like, that's where we get all the information, right?
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
It's usually within the first year in that first six months, we, we, Typically, we get all the information that we need to know if this is someone who is a good idea to pursue a relationship with. Of course, we don't know if it's gonna work long-term, like no one has a crystal ball, we don't know.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
But we do find everything that we need to know in the first six months, but we tend to lie to ourselves.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
So you raise a really good point. Yeah, I mean, for sure. I have been the ambassador of myself when I was younger in these relationships. I mean, totally, you know, and it's like, okay. And actually, I mean, that does speak to, you're speaking to something incredibly important, which is why would one do that? Why would one pretend to be an outdoorsy person when they're really not?
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Yes, we want to be wanted. We want to be desired. But at what cost? Because there are lots of people who are not doing that. Right, right.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
And to be fair, you were super young. I was. It was my Joan of Arc era. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
But people are doing this well into their more adulthood. Right. They're still doing that.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
You know, they're still doing that in middle age. They're still doing that. And so. Yeah, we can have a really good laugh about it because it is really funny. But it's the thing that we need to understand that if we're going to do that, first of all, we're doing that for someone who we think is so amazing. We put them on a pedestal.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
when really they could actually be terrible and or terrible for you. So it's that self abandonment. And I think, look, men do it too, but differently, but a lot of girls do this and I want them to stop. And so that's what's really important is the self-awareness of you, like you chasing this person by trying to be something that you're not is guaranteed to lead you down the wrong path.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
It's never going to work. When I stopped doing this was the next person that I dated.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
I was going to say, I was going to say if that actually worked, that that's, that's where like my ears perked up. I'm like, I want to hear more about that. Oh no. It was a colossal failure. Yeah, well, so look, there's nuance to all of this. So there's a few things that could have been happening.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
One could have been, you know, one theory for some people, I don't know if it's true for you, is that like deeply embedded in your subconscious, you actually don't believe that you are worthy or deserving of the love that you so desire. So if someone actually is interested in you, you think of it, not consciously, but you think of it, what's wrong with you that you like me? Okay.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Well, he did like you. But then he didn't. And so you saw that as a challenge. So you were leading with your ego. She's an egomaniac.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Yeah. Now I know. So it's just, you're leading with your ego and you're leading with this. It's like a game. It's a game that you play with yourself, a game that you played with men where it's like, okay, let's see if I can actually like, like, okay, you're going to, you're going to not like me. Let me show you how much you can actually like me.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
So you see it all as a game and all as a challenge, but really what you're dancing around or skirting around is emotional intimacy. And that's at the root of it is fear of emotional intimacy.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
But when you say that, when you say that, you just embedded deep, like you like that. You like identifying with that. I guess I did. Because it actually makes you- I've had a lot of therapy too.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Sure. And I'm sure there's attachment stuff from childhood. But what I'm more interested in is the fact that you are like, oh, I am the most like you almost have some pride over it. Oh, OK. It's the ego. It's the ego. There you go. It's part of the ego.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
No, she's not an egomaniac, but she just, it's part of her schtick. So it's like she identifies with it so much that she's having a hard time seeing herself as fitting into anything else that's not.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Because it's safe because he's hard. Now he's playing hard to get. He's not interested. So now you're going to go after him. And then as soon as he's interested, you're going to pull away. And then when he pulls away, you're going to go towards him and you're just perpetuating his dance.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Let me tell you why he pulled away. Let me tell you the real reason why he pulled away. Yeah. Why? Did you find out? Yeah. Oh, yeah. We found out. We found out. He's married. He was married. Ah. Yeah. Why did he even pursue in the beginning? Because he's an asshole. He's an asshole. Yeah.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
I didn't say egomaniac. You said egomaniac. That's right. That's what it didn't say.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Yeah, that's, that's, yeah, she lost it. That was an unhinged moment. Unhinged moment. Yeah. So narcissism is real. Yes. But not everyone is like, if someone disappoints you or they're, you know, some people are just immature and maybe they're a little selfish and you know what? Maybe rightfully so you don't want to date them.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
That doesn't mean that they have narcissism, you know, that they are narcissists and throwing it around. Like every time, like, I also think it's thrown around. It's actually thrown around between men and women, but someone doesn't like you. They're a narcissist. You know, someone is, you know, we all have a tendency to,
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
to get selfish in relationships, even when we're not selfish people in general, we get selfish because we're afraid we're, we get selfish because we're thinking love is going to be taken away from us. We get selfish because, you know, if we're insecure, the only thing that matters is really our needs in that moment. And we're not thinking about the other person's needs.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
These are all things that we want to be able to practice, to transcend in a relationship because selfish selfishness is like that is like the virus that kills relationships. But that said, that everyone is a narcissist. This person's a narcissist. That person's a narcissist.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
But I also have had it about that and which I think speaks really well to the story that you shared about that woman sending the note. Where's your accountability?
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Hit it. Hit. So here's the thing. It depends how you look at it. When I was married, I had great in-laws. Yeah. I think that if you don't come, this was not me, but I know people, if they don't have parents, maybe their parents died or maybe they had a horrible relationship with their parents and they marry into a family that there's a lot of love. That's a beautiful thing.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Yes, it's part of it. Exactly. Look, obviously in-laws can be terrible. I know that. But I think it depends who you're, you know, who you're asking.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I wouldn't read into it that way necessarily. I actually like seeing, you know, the handhold, the peck and the hug between two people that kind of like, that kind of warms my heart. But the other stuff I just find very, very immature and very, I don't know, like just inappropriate. And so is it hiding something that's broken in the relationship?
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
I don't know, it could. But either way, I don't know, there's just like a lack of awareness.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
I know that's a really, I, I, I don't know. The first word that's coming to my mind is just immaturity because it's just, it's because it's just inappropriate.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
It's like, you know, there's just, there's just an, it's just inappropriate. It's, um, it's a lack of awareness of your surroundings and, um, I think it's, I think sometimes people don't take into account the feelings of the viewer.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Yeah, I, you know, I wonder how many times that happens if there's one person who's just going along with the ride but really wishes they weren't doing it. And or... either one or both of them enjoy being a little naughty. And so they're living a little bit on the edge. It's almost like going to the bathroom and having sex in a public bathroom or something like that.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
But it's that kind of living on the edge a little bit, a little bit of a rebellion thing.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
I mean, that definitely could be, that definitely could be happening either way. It's, it's, uh, we're not, we're all in agreement that it's not good. Yeah.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Yeah. So the book is called, It Begins With You, The Nine Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life. And it's something that I've been sort of conceiving of since 2018. I wanted to write this because we're not taught this in school. We're not... All the things that we're talking about today, no one teaches us this.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
And a romantic relationship has the power to destroy our lives or it has the power to transform our lives. And I... taught yoga for many, many years. I've been working with people and their emotions and their relationship with themselves for over 20 years and been doing more specifically relationship coaching, couples coaching for 11 years.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
And, um, so at first I was very drawn to working with couples, but then I was like, Oh, I want to help people with their heartbreak because I know that so well. And I changed my life after heartbreak. And There's no heartbreak that a person can go through that I cannot relate to. And then I want to help people find their sense of worth and date better. So that's how it all evolved.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
And I thought, I need to write a book that's for everyone, regardless of their relationship status, who's kind of had an I had it moment. Or maybe I had many, many I had it moments about their lives, their love lives in particular. And so this is the book for people who are just like, you know, I can have had it. I don't know what to do.
I've Had It
Toddler Terrorism
Thank you so much for having me. This has been an absolute blast. The two of you are hilarious and very smart. Thank you so much, Jillian.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship we will ever have. The biggest misconception is I'll meet the one and then we are going to have a great relationship. It's like, no, you could meet the one and you could screw it all up. This is what happens in relationship.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
called him or text him just tell him what was happening and asked him if he would come with me and he said no he was too busy and then later that day in the afternoon he texted me and just said he's gonna stay at his parents for a little while and then I knew at that moment that he was fleeing the relationship and so I called him and it was a dramatic conversation and He never came home again.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
First, I want to say, because it's important that I say this, not everyone does that. I know that there's a lot of talk about like, that's what we always do. Not everyone does that. So that's a certain pathology that does that not everyone, not everyone is marrying their parent, you know, like marrying a representation. But many people do.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And it's also one of the things that causes a lot of struggle in relationships and in couples, which is why it's important to address it. You know, I think it's more, there's two ways to look at it. One is, let's just say you're already in the marriage or you're already in the relationship and you're realizing that you married some of your unfinished business from your childhood.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Then it's just about bringing awareness to the couple and then helping each other manage your projections and communicating and sort of building a new story and healing together. I mean, that's really the goal. When it comes to dating, I think it's, well, let's just say it's problematic when you date the parent who, once again, you have unfinished business with, unresolved stuff with.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And so then maybe your father ignored you or your father was an alcoholic and ignored you or wasn't very nice to you. And then you're dating people who look and their vibe is totally different. But guess what? You're like in that same familiar feeling dynamic with them. You know, learn, learn. You know, let's say you're single and looking. Learn about what works for you.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
What are some of the patterns that you have? And hopefully you learn and you wise up and you choose someone different. You'd say, oh, now I know what to look for. I don't want someone with whom I have to have this dynamic with. That's too painful. Okay, so what is it about this person? Well, maybe they have this trait or that trait. And that's something that I really have to make.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
I have to promise myself that I'm not going to go for that. I'm going to go for a very different kind of person who can offer me something very different in the relationship. It's a process.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Oh, yeah. It is because it's where we feel most vulnerable. It's where we fear the loss of love and fear not being enough the most. And so that in and of itself is very triggering. And because love is not, it's a very, it's a funny thing. The greatest love is love that you feel safe with. And the paradox is that nothing is really safe about love. You can lose the person. The person could die.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
They're not obligated to keep loving you. So there's so much uncertainty that's built into being in a relationship. So that's very triggering. Yeah.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Absolutely. I do really believe that when you see a relationship as an opportunity to grow and not just as an opportunity to get your needs met, that's a beautiful thing. But it's also important to note sometimes the way in which you grow is to say no to certain people, you know, because they don't treat you well. But yeah, it's always...
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Look, when you have two people in a relationship who are willing to be like, oh, that really bothered me. Let me think. Is that me? Is that a me thing? Or is this something that I need to communicate with them about? That's the needle mover. Most people are not operating like that in a relationship, but it really makes a huge, huge difference.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
No, we don't. We just, our egos are very stubborn.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And at that time, my mother was dying of terminal cancer and had about, I don't know, two months to live. A lot. That was a big day.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
you have to always consider a person's character. And look, we all have work to do when it comes to our character, you know, and by character, I mean our integrity and our willingness to confront ourselves or our kindness. But I believe that we should all be striving to be good people and we should be wanting someone who's good, a good person who's generous and who's kind. Um,
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
That doesn't mean, to your point, that you're not every kind person you're going to be attracted to. But what you're looking for in terms of longevity in a relationship is, let's just start with the basics. Do you feel relaxed around this person? And do they feel relaxed around you? And what I mean by that is you can really be yourself. You can just truly be yourself.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Your quirky, weird, eccentric, flawed, beautiful self.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Oh, yes, I know. All of that, which is, you know, BS. So if you're looking for long-term relationship, that is the first thing. Do we feel comfortable really just being when we are around each other? And then it's, do we agree on what a life well-lived is? Yeah. That's the core compatibility that's really important.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Because if you want long-term relationship, what's implied in that is that you want to create and build a life with someone. If you're going to build a life with someone, you have to be in alignment in terms of what you're building and what that vision is. And so that's key.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Well, lust happens when you barely know the person and you don't really know their character. And lust is just a feeling and love truly is also something that you do every day. It's showing up even when you're not in the mood. It's you're in pain, I'm listening. It's I want to know you better. It's... you matter so much to me that your needs are as important to me as my own.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Lust has none of that. Lust is all about the projection of the fantasy and lots of feelings and emotions. And it's nothing about building or creating or deeper emotional intimacy.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
I think it's a combination. I think it's a combination of things. I think that there is, of course, like, you know, if you want this amazing person with strong character who's a communicator, it's like you have to ask, OK, am I a good communicator? Or you can even just say these are the things that I that I'm not great at. So it'd be great to have a partner who is good at this.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And, you know, maybe we complement each other. It's always going to be a combination of the story that we have about love and relationships and about what we're capable of and then some strategy. And I think that people should use the apps if they're comfortable, but they have to use the apps, not let the apps use them. And so they have to have some boundaries around that.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And then I also believe in just getting out there and meeting people organically and expanding your circle. So the more people you meet, the greater your chances are. It's like, oh, let me introduce you to this person. Or I think this would be a really cool person to know. And you just never, ever know. And so part of being that vibratory match is also...
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Being able to say to yourself, yeah, I'm open. I'm open to this. I'm open to this experience. I'm open to stepping outside my comfort zone. And I know what I want.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
We have so many expectations and the one expectation that people don't really recognize is somehow this other person is responsible for my happiness. And that is happening all the time. There's two camps of thought. You have to completely love yourself in order to be in a healthy relationship. Or it does not matter. You learn to love yourself while you're in a relationship.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yeah, I always say it was like sort of the day that I died in a way. And there was, I mean, for lack of a better way to describe it, almost like a rebirth. I mean, it was literally the day where my life just was like, OK, you are on one path and now you are completely on a different path. And it was it was abrupt and it was a change. And everything, everything changed in my life in that moment.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Which is why I wanted to write that chapter to sort of demystify some of that. Yeah.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Well, first of all, when I think about self-love, my definition is self-acceptance. And I think of it through the frame of self-esteem, which is we hold ourselves in high regard in spite of the fact that we don't really, we have some ambivalence about some of our parts, right?
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And I also talk about self-esteem from the framework of the things that build up self-confidence is doing hard things, right? The people who only live a very safe life and never challenge themselves, it perpetuates the fear that they're not good enough. And so their self-esteem actually gets lower and lower because we cannot, we have to be challenged. We actually have to challenge ourselves.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
We have to climb the mountain, whatever that mountain is, and we have to do hard things. And then we can be proud of ourselves. It's like, if you think of a child, like,
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
being potty trained for the first time and they finally do it and they feel proud of themselves like that's that's the building of self-esteem or like I grew up in New York City so it's like the first time that I actually took the public transportation by myself and then started doing that that builds self-esteem so we have to do hard things but there's two camps of thought you have to completely love yourself in order to be in a healthy relationship or you
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
It does not matter. You learn to love yourself while you're in a relationship. And I see it somewhere in the middle, which is, no, you don't have to completely love. You can struggle with certain parts of yourself. And you don't have to be completely whole. And you do learn to love yourself in relationship.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But I've never known a person who was in a deeply unhealthy relationship or was really, really deeply struggling in their love life who didn't also struggle with their self-worth. So we can't say, while we can't say that you have to completely be in love yourself and completely be healed to be in a relationship, we also can't say that it's irrelevant.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Or you tolerate terrible behavior from someone.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And a lot of that is, there is a lot of cultural conditioning in that, for sure. Yeah.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Typically, when a person experiences that sort of abrupt change, it is quite traumatic. It's kind of a big deal. In other words, typically something happens in a person's life that's out of their control, right? And that they can't change the circumstances. And because of that, that new path, you're kind of thrusted onto it, but you're reluctant, you're resistant, you don't want to be on it.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Oh, God, that love is just a feeling.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
That love is just what romanticism says it is, that you're going to meet someone and they're going to be able to read your mind and they're going to be perfect and you're going to be perfect for each other and you're going to be soulmates and you're never really going to run into problems because when you're with the right person, they're going to be able to finish your sentences. That's it.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
That is the main thing that's corroding our understanding of love.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
I mean, I love a rom-com. I mean, I'm a romantic at heart, but I also have to keep some of that in check.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yeah. So everyone's unconscious seeks oneness. And everyone's unconscious seeks wholeness to feel whole.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yeah. Okay. I like that. Absolutely.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Absolutely. But we forget.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And we want to feel that and we feel that in getting quiet. We can feel that in nature. Some of us can feel that moment of oneness when we listen to our favorite music or we're dancing. We have moments of that. And so when we meet someone and we feel very connected to them, we are experiencing that feeling of oneness. And then we think, okay, this person is the one.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But there is no one person out there for you. I mean, there is the one, like I said in the book, and I really believe this, there's the one who you met when you were 16. There was the one who maybe you later married and then divorced. I mean, couldn't they all have been in some way soulmates and important people? I mean, and you can meet the one.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And, you know, the biggest misconception is I'll meet the one and then we are going to have a great relationship. It's like, no. you could meet the one and you could screw it all up because you didn't do any work on yourself. And so this idea that someone is going to come and complete us, I really believe, why be in a romantic relationship if it's not making your life better?
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
If it's not this companion and this sounding board and someone who believes in you and can hold your hand as you fight your own battles? Why? What's the point? You know, unless because the point is not sex because you can just have you don't have to have a relationship to have sex. So I do believe that there is something special, potentially special to a relationship.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But it's a very dangerous romanticized thought that when we meet this one person, all our problems are going to go away and that everything is going to be smoothed. It shouldn't be a crazy ride, but you're going to have to do work. And behind every great couple are a lot of difficult conversations, a lot of tears, and a lot of patience, and a lot of biting your one's own tongue.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But then your survival depends on walking that path and figuring it out. And so that's why when I think of that day and when I describe in the book, it's, I say it's the death of a relationship, but it was the death. It was the end of my life as I knew it and the beginning of a new chapter. And I had absolutely no idea. I had nothing, nothing to look for.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yeah, I have couples, friends who have been together for 20 years. And then the 40, 50 years would obviously have to be like their parents, grandparents. And I have known them, but I have close friendships with people who have been together for decades. actually longer, you know, longer, 25 years even.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
It's very, very difficult. Um, to, it's a million dollar question. I think, um, I think that if you're committed to someone and as long as you're not absolutely miserable or there isn't mistreatment of any sort, I think you have to fight for your relationship and recognize that...
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
that if you want to be with someone over decades, that you are going to have many marriages within that marriage and that there is an opportunity for that and that you have to learn how to love and to grow and to grow together and to really do that and to weather the storms together. But when is it time to just call it? I mean, I believe that.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
I also believe that divorce and breaking up is a human right. So if you're absolutely miserable, if you can't stand each other, don't stay together. Or you're just, you're not in love anymore, or the relationship has changed form. My only thing is
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
If you want, if you need to walk away and get out of it, fine, but you better do some self-reflecting after that because it wasn't, it's rarely that a relationship didn't work out because you're just not the right match. Didn't work out because there's some things that you maybe have to self-reflect on.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Very well said and very true.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yes, they can. And sometimes people grow in different directions because they have not been nurturing the relationship enough. And sometimes they grow in different directions because life is long and they've been together a long time. Maybe they started when they were young and they changed a lot.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
I thought, you know, the future was not bright. It was just dark. But, um, you know, we are designed to survive. So that's what I did. And, um, And then I figured out a way to make it more than just survival, to make it actually really mean something. I felt called to do something else with my life.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
It's the only thing we ever do. Exactly. And some people say, well, they're not changing enough. It's like, well, they're just not changing in accordance with how you want them to change. And look, maybe what is bothering you about your partner is super legitimate and valid, but you can't change them.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And you can't change them, you know, some people are slow changers, some people are fast changers. And if you can't be in the relationship and accept each other, I mean, look, this all boils down also to one's belief system around partnership and marriage and commitment. Is your belief system that, you know, I'm supposed to feel romantically in love with this person every single day?
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Or do I understand that love is also a choice and that sometimes I'm not going to feel all that passion, but I'm still passionate about keeping this relationship intact? Is your belief system that, okay, the passion is waning a little bit.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Usually when the passion wanes, it's because the couple is a little bored and they're not doing enough fun things together because we need a little bit of dopamine. We need a little bit of cortisol producing activities that we do together to ignite the chemistry and the spark again. You know, so it's just your level of what is your belief system around commitment and
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Look, I really believe that, you know, it's a beautiful thing to see the potential in someone and to see them as I mean, look, there's been there's lots of stories of older women like in their 70s who said, you know, I've had many conversations.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
many I would say like six conversations with women who said you know I met my husband and he was poor like he had nothing but I knew that he was like really meant for something and I really wanted to be the person behind that now you know that happened so seeing potential is an amazing thing and I think because when I use that example because I think women fall into that trap more of like falling in love with potential so it's a beautiful thing to see someone's potential
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But it's also a dangerous thing. Oh, I see what he could be, but what's actually really in front of me is a train wreck. And I'm not, I don't want to see that.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Instead, I want to fix him, train him, change him, wait for him to change, be the inspiration for his change and be a martyr in the relationship and a total codependent that does not focus at all on me, just only focuses on him or her dysfunction. And then I'm going to be incredibly unhappy. And guess what?
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
They're going to be incredibly unhappy, too, because no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who's trying to change them.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And when I describe it, you know, I get concerned because I don't want to romanticize a person's life falling apart and whatnot. But there is something when you can look back, you know, we can look back at very hard times and think, wow, Well, now I understand why that happened. Yeah.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yes. Or the inspiration for them fixing themselves, whatever it is. Yeah, we have to be the fixer. It's exhausting.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Absolutely. And then also what I would add to that is let them be. Let them be who they are. Accept them for who they are. And then maybe, not a guarantee, but maybe once you take the pressure off them, they will find their way. Maybe. But they are for sure not going to do whatever it is that you want them to do because you want them to do it.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Because most people, what happens is they can sense that. And what we do, whether we're conscious of it or not, we dig our heels into the ground because we're like, nope, I'm not going to be controlled. I'm an autonomous being. They can't tell me what to do. Even if it's not conscious.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Even if they know that what the person is wanting them to change about themselves is something that they really need. The fact that it's coming from them and not coming from themselves will make people very resistant. It happens. I see it all the time.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
In the courting stage, well, I think a big one that you have to be sort of aware of is someone just saying, I love you right away. But then again, I know someone in a great marriage and he's like, I told her I loved her like a weekend. He's like, I'm a crazy red flag. So you just never know.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But I think someone who, well, first of all, someone who is not responsive to you, they're not responding to your texts. They're not actually investing in you and seeming very interested. You kind of feel like, oh, I'm kind of feel like I'm an option right now or an afterthought. That's a red flag. And also just how they treat people. Always, you have to pay attention.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yeah. So there's two ways I think of it. One is I think that we have to be careful not to demonize niceness, like, you know, because especially if you've been with someone who's a real son of a, you know, and like, so nice is a breath of fresh air. But if we're going to like pathologize a little bit, there's an amazing book called No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And the archetype of the nice guy is the pleaser who is not being nice because he's a good person necessarily. He's being nice because he's so disconnected from his self because he's trying to be not like his mean dad. That's typically the pathology. And so what happens is that yet he'll do what you want. He never expresses his needs.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And so he actually registers as very unsafe because we need to feel like we are dealing with another autonomous being. Like that kind of boundary actually makes women in particular feel safe.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And also, you know, if the person who's constantly pleasing and never actually saying what it is that he wants or whatever she wants, once you really piss them off, then there's a rage that comes from them that is unbelievable. And so kindness is coming from someone being a good person, like a good man who's just generous because that is who he is. And that's part of his value system.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But he's not afraid to say no, and he's not afraid to say that doesn't work for me. And that feels good. No woman really wants a partner who she can actually manipulate. She may want that in the short term, but in the long term, then she loses respect and feels like, I can't trust this person.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Which girls do too. A lot of women do too. Yeah.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yeah, and it's also, it can be hard because you're thinking, is that really how you feel? Or are you just telling me something that I want to hear? Right. And that creates a problem when you're starting to doubt that in someone because it's trust.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
It's the most important thing.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yes. So this is a very layered topic. It's an important one. So I think what you're describing is someone who maybe has, is very clings to certainty. And when this person sort of has a spiritual understanding and letting go of like, everything is uncertain and, and, and I will be okay. I know how to navigate that. It's the trust and being able to navigate the uncertainty.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
There's also added to that is I get into a relationship and I just don't trust men or I don't trust women. I think all men cheat or I think all women cheat. And then I'm in a relationship with someone. It's very hard. Like, that's my issue. That's my issue is that I don't, I've been hurt so badly in the past. So how do we address that?
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Well, one school of thought is, well, you know, that's her problem, you know, or that's his problem. And, you know, he's got to work it out. That's the highly independent, individualistic way of thinking about it. But, you know, because most things are not binary and most things live in the gray area, it's like, okay, can she take responsibility for that?
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And also, can her partner develop a sensitivity to the fact that she has had a lot of betrayal in the past and reassure her and be really transparent with her and be sensitive around that? While at the same time, she's also working on that in herself. Does that answer your question? I mean, maybe not directly, but something that I wanted to add to the whole topic of trust.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Oh, I think there's a gender war right now that's happening that's unbelievable and it's happening all over social media. Well, that's because women do this and that's because men do that. And it's terrible to see. It's not good. Not good at all. I mean, I'm seeing gender wars all the time in comments, not necessarily.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Sometimes I see it a little bit in my comments, but I see it a lot of other people's comments because I look and I'm curious. But there's a lot of like, see, that's because he did this and all men are that and all women are that. And, you know.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And I kind of chuckle because when I see people make a comment about that, it's like, you know, I almost, I feel compassionate towards them because they don't realize that that's a belief that's actually what is getting in the way of them having a healthy relationship. And so I see it all the time. So yes, I do think that there's a lot of that going on.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And there are a lot of people who are carrying just that betrayal trauma of just being hurt in the past. And that's why I really like to help people reframe it. I mean, look, the way that my ex-husband broke up with me was wrong by anyone's standard and abandoning and a betrayal and just a terrible thing to do to another person. So we understand that logically.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But the story that I have about it now is so I can say that. I don't feel any emotion behind it. I process it. I'm so over it. But I can say that and say that objectively because it's important for me to recognize that that's not good behavior because otherwise then I let it happen again if I don't recognize it.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But I don't live with this extreme distrust and fear that someone's going to do that to me again because I understand that there was so much more to that story and I would not be sitting here today had that never happened. So it's also about investigating the stories that we have around the pain that we've had in the past.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
developing deeper trust with life and deeper trust with life exactly so i think that goes full circle to your question about trusting life and life is uncertain it's like okay i don't want to go through that again um but i also understand the deeper meaning of it and i sort of trust in sort of whatever mysterious life force that's out there that made it so that i'm sitting here today
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Absolutely. I do believe that. I believe that nothing means anything other than the meaning we give it. And so I think that that's a great way to look at things. And I think that that feels very true to me.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
That is the way that I choose to look at things. And it's also my belief. It's become my belief. I do believe that... that greater things can happen. And sometimes we do lose something and it opens one door. I do believe in one door closes, another door opens. I believe that to be a reality of life.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Well, of course, there was in the beginning, there was the survival questions of like, why me? Why is this happening? But typically, when we ask ourselves those questions, the answers that we get are not exactly empowering. You know, whatever you you suck or, you know, God is punishing you, whatever it is. But.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
presence i think i think that what men need to do is just have more presence with her i think that that's what we need is um look a woman who's secure in herself doesn't need her man's attention 24 7 but when we are hanging out and we are together um and if we have something that we need to get off our chest not necessarily about the other about him but just something that we're emoting um
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
When he can just be fully present and make it known through his body language and even through his words that she can rely on him to just listen to her feelings, that's huge. That is huge. You know, women, in general, we have just a very... complicated emotional body, emotional way of being. And we have, we just feel things. And I think that most of that is our hormonal system.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And I see it somewhere in the middle. But the greatest love is love that you feel safe with. You really shouldn't commit your heart to someone with whom you don't feel that. This feeling that we can't feel fulfilled unless we are in a relationship. That's a dangerous place to be. Fulfillment truly is an inside job.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
It's just very different. And then the fluctuations of our hormonal system is different than a man. And so it's when we can feel like, oh, you are not being distracted or you can just be really present with me. That's huge. I have to tell you, like, this hasn't happened in a while, but there have been times where I've been on dates where I'm talking to the guy and I can tell he's distracted.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Now, when I think back, I'm thinking, is he just in his head thinking about what his response is? Is he just like in his head? But I remember the feeling of just feeling like a dagger, like in my body, like that is the worst feeling ever. And I'm just like, I'm done with you. You know, I'm not going on another date with you.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And so I think that gender aside, what we can all do, where we can all improve is, you Not being so self-focused when we're communicating with someone and being more of the other self-focus. Like, what is this person trying to say? How can I understand this person more and what does this person actually need from me in this moment?
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yeah. But I will say that, you know, what women really need to feel safe and to feel seen is, is like, you know, a man who's just like, you can, you can unravel with me. Like you can, you know, like you don't have to like filter, you don't have to be perfect. That's a keeper.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Uh, women, I think, and you can verify this for me. I think that, um, Women who date men really underestimate how much he needs reassurance and to feel like he is enough. It's not just her. And part of what's really going to make him feel enough is to feel like he is adding value to her life. And, you know, I think what men need to learn is that he's actually not responsible for our happiness.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
As you start to kind of emerge a little bit from that intensity, one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves is what could this mean? Like, could this mean something other than, you know, life sucks? What does this mean? And what does life want from me? What do I want? What do I want? One of the hardest questions for a person to answer is what do I want?
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But what women need to learn is that, yes, that's true. And can you also be compassionate towards that heavy burden that he carries on his shoulders that he's making you happy?
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
That's why you always want to fix when there's a problem.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But you're going to be way more useful when sometimes you can just say, do you want me to try to fix this or do you just want me to listen? Yeah.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Usually the latter. And then afterwards when she feels hurt, then maybe we can, she's more open to problem solving.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yeah. Freedom and all that.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yeah. Well, that's why I try to, you know, help women, especially women who are looking for a relationship or just obsessing over the lack of love in their life. I think that women would actually do very well to value their freedom a little bit more. Yeah.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
balance it out a little bit. And I think that men, one of their things that they need to work on is that, you know, having great love in your life is actually just going to make everything better, you know?
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Including your career.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Well, the last one, you have to make peace with your parents. That was the biggest one and I think really intense. I wrote it because my greatest work has been trying to heal my relationship with my father, who passed when I was writing this chapter, actually. And it's been my greatest life's journey is navigating my very challenging relationship with my father and kind of growing out of that
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And so I felt uniquely qualified to write this chapter. So it wasn't just based on my professional experience, but something that I had to go through myself. And I definitely say, you know, if you've been horribly molested or abused in some way, this sort of doesn't apply. You know, it's not about making peace. And also, you can have a great relationship with your parents.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Sometimes making peace with your parents is... Freeing yourself from the expectation that you have to take a certain path in life because that is what they wanted and actually allowing yourself to beat to your own drum and take the path that you know that you were meant to take even if it could potentially disappoint your parents. That's making peace with your parents.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Making peace with your parents is also, it's making peace with the story that you have with this parent that is controlling your life. And so it's recognizing the control that it might be having on your life and then re-examining and re-investigating the story. It is learning how to relate to your parent as an adult versus through the lens of your younger self. And so it's all of that.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And it's very important because our adult romantic relationships will reflect our unfinished business with our parents. And it doesn't have to be perfect, but it's a very important part of, it's a very important truth that will change your life about love.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
I think I don't remember the exact moment, but I think one of the most profound experiences, and I'd love to know your thoughts on this, of being a human being and growing up is the grief that comes with recognizing that your parent is just another person. and that they're not just your parent.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
There's great freedom in that, but there's also a grieving process because you're grieving your childhood. You're grieving maybe the childhood that you never had. You're grieving that dynamic of, you know, perfect mom or dad coming in and just sort of like making you safe. So there's a lot of grieving in that.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But I do believe that our greatest spiritual task in life is to somehow work or fix or heal our relationship with our parents. And it can be very, very difficult. And sometimes, like I said, it's just... for some people that healing is now I know that what, if it was a very extreme situation, now I know that what they did to me was not because I'm not good. It's because of them.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Oftentimes you ask someone, what do you want? And they're just like, you know, I don't know. So that is one of the most powerful questions you can ask yourself. What do I want?
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And that's, that's making peace.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Yeah. And you know what? Yes, and just we really truly do what we can with the tools, with the emotional tools that we have. We just do. And that's how you also move on from a breakup and a hard breakup where you feel hurt. You just, you don't have to necessarily forgive. You just have to accept and let go and then maybe forgiveness will find you.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Sure, I'm sure there's just a little bit of residual, for sure. But I do feel like I'm much closer to that forgiveness. And by that, what I mean is, you know, forgiveness is a funny thing. For me, I think of it more as I'm forgetting. And I know there's this saying, you know, you can forgive but never forget. For me, it's almost the reverse.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
It's like when I forget, when the story does not feel, when the story is not in my mind all the time, when it doesn't have a grip on me, then I kind of start to forgive because I just don't care as much. I don't care so much about the story. I don't care so much about it. And so I let go. And so that's more of my process.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Biggest lesson. Oh, there's so many. Um, That, you know, I think one of the biggest lessons that I ever learned about love is that ultimately you need someone in your corner. That's the most important thing. Like, I have, you know, friends and family members who are in marriages where I'm like, ugh. They're very content, so I'm okay because they're content.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
But when I think about it, I'm like, I would never want to be in that marriage, or I would never want that person. They're so annoying. But what I've seen is that they are there for each other. Like when the crap hits the fan, like they are there for each other. And I realize that that's really what's most important. That life can be long, it can be hard, and...
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
you really, to have a partner who's there for you when things get hard and you're there for each other, that that, that that's really the most important thing. And I never really understood that, you know, years ago.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
I didn't realize that being, I wanted that, I craved that, but I didn't understand it as that being like really the most important thing and that you really shouldn't commit your heart or your life or your time or your energy to to someone with whom you don't feel that with.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
You know, there is a point is there's a, he has a point.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Exactly. And that's the same thing. It's also, um, What problems can you live with and what problems can you not live with? Because everyone comes to the table with problems. So just decide what are the ones you can live with and know the ones that you can't.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Well, I think when you know thyself, you can actually be thyself. It's very hard to be thyself if you don't know thyself. I think to know thyself is to know your values, to know the beliefs that you have that are sort of dictating your life, and to understand how you see the world, because how you see the world is how you operate in the world. And so, and you can change that.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
You really can change that. But you can't know yourself until you understand the filter through which you are seeing the world.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And what we think is possible.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
I really hope for people to be kinder to themselves and to recognize that... And just to be able to have healthier relationships. I mean, that's really... I've had healthy relationships and I've had ones that were not. And so I understand the power in both. And I understand that being in an unhealthy dynamic, truly unhealthy, will take years off your life. It literally physically makes you unwell.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And then when you are in stable relationships, even if they're friendships, whatever they are, they are the things that give us courage. And so I really, that's what I want to leave behind is people just being able to cultivate that within themselves and with others.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Thank you so much for having me. It was a great conversation. Lots of fun.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
I think it's the title of the book that it begins with you. And that's not the same thing as the platitude that's out there of, you know, hi, the problem is me or you're the problem. It's not about that. You could actually not really be the core problem, so to speak. In other words, that's not the lens that we should be looking at this through. It's more...
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
If I want something to change in my life, I have to create some changes to my thinking and to my choices. And that can be a heavy lift because changing our thinking means changing some of our beliefs. It's uncovering the things that have been sort of in our unconscious and bringing them into our conscious awareness and then looking at it and challenging some of those beliefs if necessary.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And that most of the things that we want in life, the reason why we don't have them, not always, but a lot of times, especially when we talk about romantic love, is in some way we are standing in our own way. And so I believe that the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship we will ever have.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And that's not to encourage just total individualism or not needing anyone. Have your relationship with yourself still means you need people because we need people. But it really is the most important thing. And sometimes strengthening our relationship with ourselves means overcoming selfishness. overcoming things of the ego and overcoming fear and all of that.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And finding meaning in life and purpose in life, that is something that truly begins with us.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
So I really try to encourage people to have an understanding of who they are.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Of trying to understand who they are? Fear, stubbornness, which is usually cloaked in fear. It can be overwhelming. And, you know, it's not like you shouldn't be looking inward all the time. You know, that's, it's not all about you. Like it begins with you, but it's not all about you. You don't want to be constantly self-reflecting. But, you know, a lot of people, they, well, what's the point?
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
You know, that's for wusses, whatever it is. It's just, it's belief system and it's usually fear. It's like, Okay, so if I go there, what am I going to discover? And is that going to be too much for me to handle emotionally?
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Hugely. Look, there is something that romantic love, particularly in the early stages of romantic love, when the lust and the passion is high, that, you know, is uniquely, is unique, right? But or and, I should say, this feeling that we can't feel fulfilled unless we have this person in our life. We can't feel fulfilled unless we are in a relationship. we can't source love.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Thank you so much for having me.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
We can't source connection unless we're in a relationship. That's a dangerous place to be because usually that leads to poor choices. It's also, it's not true. And I
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
fulfillment truly is an inside job and finding meaning in life and purpose in life that is something that truly begins with us and so I have to help a lot of people recognize that let's just say they meet someone and let's just say this person has been alone for a long time they haven't felt a connection with someone a long time and let's throw in a little bit of boredom
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And a little bit of like, oh, I don't know, like, you know, there's nothing in my day that's really captivating me or captivating my attention. Let's just throw all that into this person. Make it a little bit of a perfect storm. And then they meet someone and they feel that chemistry with them.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
What is triggered inside of them is aliveness, that aliveness that's been dormant for a long time because they've been waiting to feel this connection, because they're a little bit bored, because they haven't been doing things in their life that gives them sparks of joy or sparks of excitement, whatever it is.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
I woke up that morning to what would be basically an early miscarriage. And I made an appointment. My husband had already left for work. And I had to go to the gynecologist to confirm pregnancy and do things that you have to do when that's happening. And I...
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And then we think, this person, and it's an unconscious thought, but this person is my ticket out of the monotony of my life. And they are the reason why I feel so good. When really, they are just the trigger. They're the stimulus, really, that triggers inside of you that dormant feeling. It's not really about them. Because first of all, they're a stranger.
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E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Maybe if it develops into a real relationship, they become someone who adds to that and really does enhance your life tremendously. But right now, they're just a stranger.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And so I help a lot of people recognize that when they get all obsessive over someone who they barely know, that what's actually happening is for them to understand that that person is just the vehicle that has triggered something that actually exists inside of you already.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And that maybe if you learn how to meet your needs more, maybe if you evaluate your life and do more things that kind of make you feel alive, maybe it's, you know, it's not going to be the exact same thing as that, but you can feel moments of oneness that has nothing to do with another person and a romantic partner. Then we can start to craft a different story for that person.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Oh, that's that's pretty much one of the biggest things. And we're all guilty. You know, we're all guilty of of having I mean, you can't really go through life not having any expectations. I mean, you can try to, but we all have some expectations. But we have so many expectations in a relationship and lowered amount of appreciation.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
And the one expectation that people don't really recognize, and we're all guilty of this, is, you know, somehow this other person is responsible for my happiness. And I think that, you know, we can understand or wrap our heads around intellectually, like cognitively, we can be like, oh, no, no, no, I know that's not true. But this is what happens in relationships.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
We'll get frustrated with our partner. And of course, sometimes that's a legitimate frustration. Let's not forget that. But oftentimes we'll get frustrated with our partner and it's because they are not exactly how we want them to be in that moment. And what we're doing is projecting ourselves
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
Our expectations, our perfectionism, our stuff onto them, and then we see them as falling short when really the problem is not them. The problem is in our thinking and not actually appreciating that person for who they are. And that is happening all the time.
Know Thyself
E136 - Jillian Turecki: How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love
This is why mindfulness and self-awareness is so important. What's that? I know, exactly.
Modern Wisdom
#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
This was something that I never learned until I started doing this work, which is that the story that we assign to anything determines how we feel about anything and that our minds are designed to keep us safe. They're not designed to make us happy. And so we have to be able to discipline our minds and question our thoughts often.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
This is the whole idea of mindfulness, like bringing mindfulness into your life or bringing mindfulness to your relationship is good.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
bringing more awareness awareness of how our thoughts can get the better of us um how our stories and the meanings that we assign to certain things well if he loved me then or if she loved me then you know that's that's a big one um i know you meant to do this or you know you wouldn't have said that if you didn't do that or if you didn't feel that these are the things that um you know
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
that can really, really destroy a relationship and destroy our experience of a relationship.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yes. Everything that you do inside of a relationship that you are really confused about that's been maddening to you and to your former partners or anything that... anything that you are questioning, it can be boiled down to the fact that you are afraid that you're not enough for this person. And if you're not enough, that somehow love is going to be taken away from you. Because if we
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
You have a relationship with the story that you have.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And then you're becoming resentful.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yes, it's brilliant. Yes, yeah.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah, well, expectations and you have to really manage our expectations as well. You know, a lot of times in a relationship, we're expecting this sort of rightness from our partner. And we seldom do we look within and think, how can I be better as a partner? How can I change something here?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Absolutely. And, you know, you take two people in a relationship who are willing to ask themselves that question, how am I complicit in whatever is going on here that is not working? Chances are you're going to have those people are going to have a pretty epic relationship. Honestly, accountability is the most important thing in a relationship.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
being willing to be 100% responsible for your experience. So you're responsible for your thoughts, you're responsible for your perspectives, you're responsible for your behavior. That does not mean that two people come in, let's say they want couples coaching. It's not like, well, 50% is your fault and 50% is your fault.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
You know, it could be that one person is actually causing more of the problems, but oftentimes, um, we ha we have to be very accountable for our projections. So something that we do in relationships is we project. So we, without, before we become more mindful and more conscious, um,
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
We think that we're looking at the person that we love when really what we're looking at is our ex, our mom, our dad. We're looking at them through the filter of our past. And instead of actually seeing the person, our unconscious is reminded of something that our mom or our dad did that we couldn't stand.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
We are the common denominator in all our relationships. That's actually really good news. Because it means that you can actually change something. This concept is the problem is you. Not necessarily. You know, the problem could very well be the people who you're choosing, but you're choosing them. So you're choosing them. Why?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And then all of a sudden we are, you know, we're blaming them as if for all our unfinished business and resentment against one or both of our parents. That's projection. Yeah. Or we get into a relationship with a certain level of insecurity and low self-esteem.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And then when our partner is not making us happy, we think, you know, you're not loving me well when you came into the relationship insecure. So we have, so accountability matters. is being able to say, all right, we have a problem. There's something that's upsetting us or there's something that's upsetting me. What am I, how am I complicit? Am I projecting here?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Do I even know what their needs are? Have I even been expressing my needs? So it really truly is, in my view, the most important... It's not the only one that matters, but it's the most important relationship skill is to be able to take full responsibility. That is a very... good measure of someone's emotional intelligence and of someone's character.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Well... In many ways, yes.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yes, health is obviously the most important thing. And our relationship to ourselves is the most important thing. But you can't, it's not so separate from the relationship from the other. Because you're constantly going to have to, you know, I don't know.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
There's going to be a lot of, if you're in a relationship for the long term, there's going to be a lot of times you're just going to be like, you're being so annoying. I don't feel like dealing. And is it really about them? Or are you just in a bad mood? Okay, you don't really feel like having this conversation with them. It's bringing up a lot of discomfort for you. Are you going to...
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
go for the temporary comfort in not having the conversation or are you just going to continually make things worse? Like we are constantly being asked to transcend ourselves and our egos in a relationship. But yeah, you're, I think all relationships are the most important thing. They really do, um, determine our lives. And, uh, A romantic relationship, look, it's the person you are naked with.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And so the first principle, the first truth is you have to be willing to look within. And a lot of people are not willing to do that until they are desperate. But it's the only way.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Emotionally, physically, it's the person who could leave you. You have friendships that There's a level of certainty that we have with certain friendships and with family members that, you know, they're not going anywhere. Or if we don't speak to them for a week, our relationship is still strong. Those rules don't apply. It just doesn't apply in a romantic relationship.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And everyone fears on some level being left, you know, being unloved, being abandoned in some way. And so in writing this book, I really wanted people to ask themselves, well, and to reflect on, well, what are some of the things that you do when you're afraid in a relationship? You know, because you got to know.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
So to get out of the head, the pathway is always to get into your body. So you want to deepen your breath because whenever you're in your head, like really in your head, like in the thick of the battlefield of your mind, your breath is shallow. and your muscles are very tight.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
So the first thing is to just to take a time out and connect your breathing and to take a deep breath in and deep breath out and let your exhalation be longer. And so you first have to kind of do that so that you can get in a more, you can calm your nervous system, if you will. And then you can ask yourself some questions, and I love the work of Byron Katie, where she says, is it true?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Are you sure that it's true? So you can ask yourself these questions, but it always starts with, when you're in your head, you're reactive. And in order to transition from a reactive state to a more responsive state, or use the word a more rational state, you have to incorporate your breathing. You may need to do a little movement. You may need to just go for a walk. You may need to call a friend.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
You may need to work out. You may need to take a shower. You may need to eat something. Because when we eat, it changes our nervous system. It changes our physiological state. You get more grounded when you eat. You get more satiated. You get more full. The energy starts to go down. So that's a first and foremost.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
That's a good place to be. It's good to be bored with yourself because typically that's when we start to change. When we actually can't stand it anymore. Otherwise, we're just kind of like the loop keeps happening because it's so comfortable and it's so familiar and we're so unconscious about it.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Once we're conscious and we're just like, I am so bored of this, that's when we actually start to make a change, actually.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yes. So when we first meet someone and we're really excited about them, we enter a sort of euphoric state, some sort of euphoria state. And we think, oh, it's this person, when really they are just a metaphor for a feeling of novelty, adventure, freedom from the monotony of our lives, or freedom even from overthinking sometimes. It's
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
It's like all of a sudden, if we've been living up here in our heads and then we meet someone we're really excited about, all of a sudden we feel like we're in our hearts more. And that's always a more comfortable place for human beings to live. We're always happier when we are living it, when we're more in our bodies and less in our heads, always.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And then we get people in this stage of meeting someone in a relationship There's a spectrum, but some people, we can get really crazy during this time. We can get incredibly obsessive. And we're not taught in school how to process our enthusiasm.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
So then we start, you know, the crush begins and we start thinking that we can't live without this person and they are the one and that whole narrative starts. When really what is happening is that you have chemistry with someone and that rush of hormones and that rush of excitement has very little to do, as I said, with them. And love is not just a feeling. Love is actually a verb.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
It's an intentional practice. We do love. We don't just feel love. And that thing that you feel in the beginning is not love. People are like, oh, we have such an amazing connection. Well, great. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. I mean, we have a very fleeting experience on this earth. And that's a lot of fun. Right?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
But we also have to adapt and we have to process the fact that what we're experiencing is, you know, it's not love. It's chemistry. It's attraction. And people think... So let's say the honeymoon stage of a relationship, let's say it lasts anywhere three months to six months, maybe nine months, you know, it's depending. And when we start to wake up from that, that,
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
that drunkenness that we are, you know, we're like drunk on lust and excitement. And when we start to emerge, we start to sober up and then we realize, oh, like you're just a, you know, you're a person and you have flaws and, you know, And you're not coming to save me. And you're not better than me. Because sometimes we want to meet that person who's in some way better than us.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
When the truth is, you're just going to choose the person who's on a similar level of consciousness as your own. And even if you did meet someone who's better than you, they're not going to want to be in a relationship with you. So and no one's inherently better than you, but you know what I mean? Someone who maybe has dealt with their childhood stuff, you know, and has their life in order.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And maybe you don't. Right. So we wake up from that from that euphoria. And then we think, oh, this isn't fun. And then all the expectations come and you're like, well, you're not making me happy. And that depression that I had two days before I met you that magically went away when I met you, it's come back. There must be something wrong with you or this must not be love.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And people are operating like this more than you think.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah, exactly. That's actually well said. It's very true. And yeah, that's very true. Unless you get into a relationship and you're someone who realizes this, unless you've read my book or unless you've read other people's books, right? And you're like, I understand that... what I'm actually looking for is not just this feeling.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
I'm looking for someone who will challenge me in the best possible ways. Not challenge me to the point where every single wound in my body is triggered because of whatever is going on between the two of us, but they challenge me to actually step up. They challenge me to be a better person.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And, uh, and we have, and we have the same values and this is someone who I can build with and immature love, immature love says I am in love with my projected idealization of you. And the moment you show me that you're real, I'm going to pull away. And mature love says, I see all of you. I see your nuance. I see your shortcomings. I see your brilliance. I see your quirks. I see your past.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And I choose you.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Well, you get nothing done and actually you get pretty bored because we just don't want to be in one state the entire time. It's very destabilizing to feel that way. It's not exactly happiness. Like we feel that euphoria in the beginning, but in that euphoria also comes a lot of instability. And so that's where people get also very stressed out. And so you're right.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
how people cope with the transition from the honeymoon stage to the more committed, comfortable stage of a relationship largely determines the longevity of that relationship. And so what do I tell people? Well, it's funny because I love that comfortable stage of the relationship. I mean, I don't want it to be too comfortable, but I like that. So I just try to tell people, look,
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
now you can focus on work as well.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah, you get your life back. And now you can actually... Now's when you can explore real emotional connection and intimacy. Now's where you can actually build trust and camaraderie. And it doesn't mean you're always going to have to work to keep the passion alive, but now you can actually...
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
explore things that you can go deeper, you can go deeper and you can explore what a true emotional connection is, what it means to build safety and trust and respect inside of a relationship, what it means to have, um, someone really be in your corner and not just because they're afraid to lose you, but because they truly, truly love and support you. And, um, I think that's exciting.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yes. And that's, that's a losing strategy. I mean, so much of, if you're reflecting on past relationships that didn't work and, the best thing to do is just to let go and to surrender to the fact that life is about making mistakes and sometimes epic mistakes.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah, I think... I had something else I want to say, but after you said it, but this is important.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
This is also what you're at great risk of is taking your partner for granted. And don't stop pursuing your partner. Don't stop being curious about this person. Yeah, maybe you're not in that crazy stage, but...
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
you still, because you can go deeper and because actually love and trust can really grow, you still have to be very present and you still have to, you know, in the beginning, we're all the ambassadors of ourselves. We're like, let me just bring like, you know, let me put my best foot forward. What if you continued to want to or to try to put your best foot forward years in?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
What would that look like? And what would that feel like?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
So there's two camps of thought that's sort of percolating in the zeitgeist. One is you don't have to love yourself to love anyone else. You don't have to love yourself to be loved by someone else. And all of that is true. You learn to love yourself while you're in relationship.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And if you've got someone smart whispering in your ear telling you to take a look at this and see what you can learn from it so that you don't repeat it, that's the best case scenario. Some things just don't work out because it wasn't right. Some things don't work out. Some relationships don't work out because you both were too immature to make it work out.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Then there's another camp that says you have to love yourself in order to love someone else or in order to be in a relationship. Both are wrong and both are true in their own way. you don't have to completely love yourself in order. There's lots of people who don't love themselves who love plenty of people. And there are lots of people who don't love themselves who are loved by others.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
But you better believe that if you don't, if you really struggle to see your value, that you allow and you tolerate crappy things in a relationship that you're in trouble because our relationships reflect how we feel about ourselves. So I think of self-love as self-acceptance. I see it as, look, straddling that very delicate line between
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
understanding that you have work to do and there are things that you can improve on and quite possibly absolutely need to improve on. And yet that doesn't diminish your value as a human being in any way. That doesn't diminish your worth. And self-acceptance is learning to hold ourselves in high enough regard even though there are things about ourselves that we may not like.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Self-esteem is critical for a relationship. If it's too high, you have the narcissist. But in my world, what I see a lot more of is too low. And if it's too low, then you are pretending to be someone who you're not, running away from intimacy, tolerating abusive or borderline abusive behavior. So it is a very important conversation to be had.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah, it's not an easy answer. I believe that the best relationships involve people who have a strong sense of self, but that doesn't mean that they don't have parts of them that are wounded. But we can't get into a relationship and expect another flawed person to put all the pieces back together.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
But I do believe that we can get into a relationship with the expectation that we are going to hold each other's hands and help each other out as we face our own demons and we face our own challenges. And so, look, there's a difference between someone...
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
needing to be built up by their partner all the time because they don't do anything, because they're not doing that thing that they need to be doing to help themselves versus someone who's going through a really rough, just having a rocky month and needing their partner to kind of be like their greatest fan in that moment. So context matters.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And I know that that's not popular because so many people want the black or white answer and they want the like how to, but there's nuance here. But know that no one can actually fill all your voids.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yes. I've lied a lot in my relationships. And what I mean by lied is I don't think of myself as a liar. I don't lie. I don't say something that isn't true. But I haven't divulged the whole truth of what I was feeling in the past. Because number one, I didn't even know that it was okay to have those needs. I didn't know how to express those needs. I was so disconnected from that.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Sometimes it doesn't work out because, I don't know, like, it wasn't supposed to, you were supposed to learn something. It was supposed to be an experience. Maybe it was supposed to be a love affair instead of it being a marriage. You know, I mean, but this is the thing that we, um, romantic relationships are what, are where we feel most vulnerable.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
So it wasn't like, oh, I'm going to not tell the truth on purpose. But every time people are strategizing to get someone to be interested in them, the mask, the ambassador of ourselves, Um, people don't tell the truth because they're having a hard time processing something or they're just so afraid.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
If I say what I feel, she's going to be so hurt and she's going to leave me or he's not, or he's going to become so defensive and not be able to have a conversation with me. So I'm going to bottle it up and I'm just going to be easy. Or I'm just going to repress how I feel because, you know, who am I to have feelings? Who am I to have needs?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
So people aren't doing this consciously and they're not necessarily doing it on purpose. They're doing it because they don't know the alternative.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Well, one, by recognizing that the alternative is worse. By not speaking the truth, you become resentful. By not speaking the truth, your relationship deteriorates. By not speaking the truth, you betray yourself. And by not speaking the truth, in many ways, you betray your partner because then they don't know how to contribute to your happiness.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
They don't know how to contribute to the emotional bank account of your relationships. So there's a very big price to pay and not speaking the truth. And the way to do it is to be direct and truthful and also, you know, sometimes you'll have to be very vulnerable sometimes. I, I, I'm not into the whole stoic thing. You know, it's not about being stoic.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Um, no one, you know, in a romantic relationship, stoic doesn't get you very far. Vulnerability gets you far.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Well, not when it comes to difficult conversations. I mean, it has a place, you know, when you have to make a decision about something. Sometimes bringing that to a relationship can be very useful, you know. But when it comes to difficult conversations about feelings and about needs, you have to be able to... People bond.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
when they open up their hearts to each other and they open up their inner worlds to each other, if you're always hiding behind the mask of stoicism, then it's just a wall. It's just another self-protective measure. And it's like, it's emotional unavailability. It has its place in life. It has its place in pockets in a relationship. But that's not how people build trust with each other.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
They build trust when you are able to open up about something that's important to you and then it's received. It's received with care, it's received with interest, it's received with love. That's how you build trust with another person.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
So let me backtrack a little bit. We're training our partners all the time, all the time. Every time your partner opens up to you about something or just wants to share about their day and you're just like, you know, reading something and barely looking up, you're training your partner to not do that anymore. You're training your partner to now start to withhold their experience.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
So I think that if you're sharing something and someone is not able to receive it, again, that feeds into the conversation. You could say something like, I feel it seems like, or it appears that this is difficult for you to hear right now. Is that true? And yes. Part of being a mature, high-functioning adult in a relationship is being able to have that kind of conversation.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And you might say, you know what? Yeah, I think that was really hard for me to receive. Maybe I just need a moment or maybe I need to ask you some questions. When you're getting to know someone, like in the beginning, you're sort of testing the waters. And maybe opening up a little bit to see how they receive you opening up. And then maybe you see that they don't receive it that well.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And then you might be in the, you might be, it's not a guarantee, but you might be in the presence of someone who's A, not actually that interested in you as you would hope them to be. Or B, they're not what is so commonly and popularly referred to as emotionally unavailable. Now, that doesn't mean that everyone is going to be as emotive.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
There's lots of men of a certain generation who are just not as emotive as women are. I think that men have to learn how to become more emotive. But what's more important is that they become very good listeners. And, you know, I think we all have to... We all have to figure out what we can and cannot tolerate in a relationship. But it's called a heart-to-heart for a reason.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
When two people have a heart-to-heart, they're opening up their inner worlds to each other. And typically what is associated with a heart-to-heart is after that heart-to-heart, there's closeness. There's more love. So it's important.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yes, I would wholeheartedly agree with that.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah, and a lot of men, actually.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Um, women want safety. This is very important. Men do not understand the role that safety plays in a woman's life. Um, we, you know, walking down, we could be in the best neighborhood in the world. We could be in a safe town. We could be in a city. If we're walking down the street and it's empty. Our antenna is up. It doesn't even matter if it's broad daylight.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
That's something that most men can't even begin to wrap their heads around. I'm going to go to an empty parking lot by myself? No way. I don't care if it's 12 o'clock in the afternoon. If I don't see anyone around and the parking lot is empty, am I walking to my car alone? I might be running. And so this is the reality of women. And biologically, you know, women, it's like we have the babies.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
We want to make sure that the babies are protected. We want to make sure that we're in a relationship with someone who will protect us. this is partially biological. So how does that translate into the modern world? Well, women want a partner who is, and we're talking about male partners, right? So we want your presence. So this is going to sound very simple and maybe you've heard it before, but
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
You fixing the problem is not what you think it is. Because a lot of men, there's a problem, they want to fix it. Or, you know, we're having, maybe we're having, we're overwhelmed. And what most men do is they come to, they want to come to the rescue and say, I know how to make it so that you're less overwhelmed. You just have to do one, two, and three, you'll be less overwhelmed.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And the funny thing is, he's right. A lot of the time he's right. But we know that already. What we need in that moment is someone just to listen or to give us a hug and to... have presence with us. And then we can maybe calm down and enter our more rational minds because women are perfectly capable of rationality. But at first, we might be feeling like that intensity of emotion.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And here's a thing about emotions that probably the number one thing that women complain about, if you will, their male partners that they wish that they had more of, that men need to know is, I wish my emotions didn't scare him off. If I had a dime for every time I've heard that phrase in some way spoken to me and that I've thought it, I would have so many dimes.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
I would have enough dimes to feed the world kind of thing, that kind of thing. I wish that I could be in a bad mood and he wouldn't take it personally. I think, and this is my experience, and I would love to hear your thoughts, Chris, is that a lot of men, when they get into relationships with their female partners, there's an unconscious feeling
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
need for their woman to be happy because they feel so responsible for our happiness. And I think that what I've been told by many men, personally and professionally, that what he's most drawn to is when we're relaxed and we're smiling and we're happy. But we can't, we women, we can't be happy all the time. And sometimes we get anxious and stressed and we have a very delicate hormonal system.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And, you know, we just, we have a different mind. We have something called diffuse awareness or we're taking in, we feel responsible for everyone and everything. And we're very, and we're not so, women have the capacity to go into the part of the brain that's very singular focused. But we also have this incredible curse slash gift to just juggle like 50 million things at once.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And so we're not always going to be happy also because we're a human being. And a lot of women have said, he can't handle it. He gets very reactive when I'm not happy.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
is very important. But a whirlwind of emotions doesn't always have to be drama. You know, I've certainly worked with a lot of women to stop bringing drama. There's a lot of men who bring drama, but yes, optimizing peace. But do they really want peace?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
No, no, that's a problem. I don't believe that she... But her saying that is, I don't believe that. You know, it's not necessarily true.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Well, I mean, it's like, well... If you say, put that aside, if you're saying, well, the men who want me want a challenge, what does that actually really mean? To me, that's saying, well, you're not willing to actually do the work to actually bring some harmony into this relationship. I'm not speaking about Whitney. I'm just saying in general. That's a lovely excuse.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
I mean, we're all challenging, right? You have to ask yourself, how am I difficult to live with? Because we're all difficult in some way to live with. And I think that having some level of awareness of how we are difficult to live with And being able to say to our partner, I love you for putting up with this part of me. That's where it's at.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah. Look, and some people are easier to live with than others. They just are. But we all come to the table with stuff. And I think that it's just a matter of when it comes to choosing a partner, a lot of people don't know how to differentiate between the tolerable and the intolerable because they didn't learn that. They saw one or both of their parents tolerate a lot.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And so one of the things, if you...
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
keep having if one keeps having these sort of disappointing relationships these very painful relationships one of the one of the things to explore is knowing where where your limit is in terms of what you can tolerate because we should have a lot of flexibility and tolerate a lot in a relationship but you need to know that chunk of whatever that you just won't tolerate you know
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah. Well, this is what we were talking about a little bit before, which is that we are their best selves in the beginning, and then we get comfortable with And then we have this unconscious belief that this person that loves us should love us no matter what.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
So even if I'm coming to the relationship consistently, and I really want to emphasize consistently because we will do this sometimes, consistently stress, moody, irritable, cold, why would you expect anyone to put up with that on a consistent basis? And relationships are what we make of them. And they need attention. And they need attention in the form of our mindfulness.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And that means that we're not going to be perfect, but you can't do anything all these wonderful things in the beginning, and then stop doing them and expect your relationship to be a good relationship. It's really as simple as that. And this is what people do. This is what I've never met anyone who hasn't done this. Why? It's a law of familiarity.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah, absolutely. Because, you know, you said something about self-worth being embedded in that. Absolutely. It's also your belief system. It's, you know, my dad never was able to make it, so I need to make it. Or my dad always put pressure on me to be a certain way and to achieve. It's who am I if I'm not achieving? Who am I if I'm not successful?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
We get used to something and we start to take it for granted. We think, you know, comfort is a wonderful thing in a relationship. Too much comfort often leads to the demise of a relationship. It gets so comfortable that we think, you know, it's like how a lot of us can be around family. We can regress to our seven-year-old self and be a total shit and we know we're going to be loved anyway.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
People do that in their romantic relationships and it's a mistake. It's a mistake to do it anyway, but it's really a mistake in your romantic relationship. So we think, you know, we do forget, and I've said this before, we forget that the person that we love is a gift and we think that they're a given. And that is just the law of familiarity.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And it's because we become unconscious and mindless in our relationships. A relationship really has... We think that you go into a cave or you go into an ashram or you do some sort of psychedelic trip, that that's the spiritual work. No, the spiritual work is in a relationship.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
In the honeymoon stage of a relationship, there's this illusion that all our stress goes away because this person has come into our life and we feel that euphoria and we feel so excited and it's new. And then our stress comes back. And we might put on a really brave face or we treat our coworkers great. We smile at a stranger on the street.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And then we come home and we're like, let me just unload all my stress on you. Or we come home and we think, I don't have to actually be really that nice to you.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Very, very hard, sad, and stressful things can happen in life. But more times than not, people are not reacting to something difficult. They are in a habit of just being reactive to everything. So their threshold for stress is really low. And maybe there is something stressful like money and children. People don't know how to manage their stress. And so they start to fight with each other.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And they start to create negative stories about each other. Or they start to look at their partner and see everything that is wrong about them. When what's really going on is a turbulent mind. What's really going on is a turbulent nervous system. What's really going on is stress in that person's body. That is making it so that they are not seeing life and their partner clearly.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
this is what ends relationships, is not knowing how to handle stress and not knowing and not identifying when stress is the problem versus the actual relationship.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And so, again, it's identity, it's self-worth, it's your entire childhood being exposed, basically, in your entire beliefs. It's your relationship with certainly at least one of your parents being exposed pretty much and triggered all the time in business and in romantic relationships.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yes. And, and also because, you know, it's very common if a family is going through, let's say money problems for that to tear mom and dad apart or mom and mom apart to tear the couple apart. It's not, so it's how they were reacting to life, which I have nothing but compassion for, one of the things that we just don't learn in school.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
It's how they were reacting to life that made it so that they were, I mean, think about it when you're really stressed. You don't wanna be touched. You don't wanna be told what to do.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
you're not feeling sexual, you're not feeling sensual, you're not feeling open, you're not feeling loving, you become totally self-involved and emotionally unavailable, and you've got two people like that on a consistent basis, then this is what's going to happen. The relationship is going to suffer. And it's because of how they're actually dealing with the birth of their first child.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
It's how they're dealing with the money problems. It's how they're dealing with certain things that, and these things might be real problems that are highly systemic. but we think that once the stress gets better, that the relationship will get better when the truth is how we, how we, it's how we respond or react to what's happening in life that will ultimately improve the relationship.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And sometimes, you know, families and couples really need help to deal with very big things. But like I said, um, you'd be shocked to learn that often it's not something legitimately stressful, like you lost all your money, or you can't buy groceries, or your child is sick. These are real things. I'm seeing it all the time in couples who are just stressed out about nothing.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah, it's the law of the land. You cannot convince anyone to love you. You can't beg them to love you. You can try to jump through whatever hoops you want to get them to love you. You can try to change yourself to get them to love you or to choose you. You can use your kids as pawns to get them to stay. I mean, you could try all you can, but it's impossible to convince someone to love you.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
when we are confronted with that insecurity that we are not good enough in some way, that's when we start to act out all our weirdness inside of a relationship, honestly. And yes, of course, there's childhood, there's conditioning, there's your parents. All these things are influences. But When people are angry, they're afraid. When people are lashing out, they're afraid.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Although we have to use a little bit more of this head for sure when we're making these decisions. Yeah, it's very true. I mean, you just can't make yourself love someone. You can't make yourself feel those feelings. And you can't convince someone to choose you. And people are doing it all the time in very subtle ways. They're trying to seduce. They're trying to convince.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
and you know if you're the kind of person who doesn't like to give up or you're very achievement oriented then um chances are well chances are you uh have had a lot of achievement but on the other on the flip side of the coin is you have a very hard time letting go so with everything that we deal with there's a positive and there's sort of a corresponding negative and it's going to be incredibly triggering for sure that said i think that um
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
They're trying to change themselves. And there's so much grace in accepting, even if it shatters your heart, accepting this truth. And life becomes a lot easier when you adopt this law into your DNA, basically.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah. So I think that people intellectually understand this, but People do get into relationships thinking that the relationship is going to be the thing that fulfills them and that the person is going to be the person who fulfills them, that there's this perfect person who's going to come in and rescue you. And again, even though we know logically that's not the case, we do in many ways have
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
have this fantasy that when this right person comes into our lives, everything's going to be better. Or when our partner is not able to, it's just not making us feel all delightful and happy one day, that somehow it's their responsibility to do that. fulfillment can only come from the inside.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
We get fulfillment and happiness from various sources and from doing various things, but there's no one who is coming. There's no knight in shining armor. There's no one who's coming to to save you. And look, we've seen so many movies. There's a movie that I reference in the book because I think it is so perfect.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And it's interesting because it's a guy expecting to be rescued, which I think goes against what's more commonly thought about as like the woman in the damsel in distress. I don't know if you ever saw the movie 500 Days of Summer. No. It's a fantastic movie that really incredibly illustrates this point, which is he's a guy, he's totally depressed. He's got no purpose in life. He hates his job.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
He has a passion that he's not pursuing. And so he's in this job that he can't stand. And then this girl comes in and she's like,
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
you know beautiful and cute and he's just like from the moment he sees her he's just like he's done right and so his whole the whole movie is him trying to convince her to love him because she's just not that she's like dates him and sleeps with him but she's just you can tell she's not all in And on the surface, what it looks like is, oh, something's wrong with her. She's totally avoidant.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
You know, what's wrong with her? You know, he's such a nice guy. And what's really going on is that she's not even a fully formed character. She's a metaphor for him needing to be rescued. Because then, and what she does is she mirrors back to him why she doesn't choose him. She never says it. But of course, the reason is, is because he's desperate for his happiness in her.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And he's desperate to use her. He's the user. He's using her to escape his own misery. And it's only after she breaks up with him that he is able to actually confront himself. And so... It's a great movie to watch that illustrates the point that we do try to escape ourselves through relationships. That could be someone's pattern that's more than someone else's pattern.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
A relationship can't actually make you happy. No one can really make you happy. But the expectation, the healthy expectation is this person is adding to my life. They're making my path a little better, but no one can walk the path but me.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
I really think that even if work is going phenomenally well, even if you have all the money you want, even if your health is good, if your relationship, specifically your intimate relationship, is struggling, you're suffering. Even if you have purpose, if that relationship is not going well, you are going to wake up stressed.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And I think that this is going to be the hardest truth in many ways, except for the last one, for people to face because people are very resistant because they think, oh no, I don't expect that. No, I understand that. But then watch, look at your relationship history or look at your current relationship and
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
How many times have you been resentful towards your current partner because they're not making you happy in that moment?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah. So, Making peace with your parent is reframing and investigating the story that you've had about one or both of your parent that may have a chokehold on you and release emancipating yourself from the prison of your own mind and of this story that you have about them.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
you could have a great relationship with your parents and peace with your parents might mean that you break up with your parents metaphorically as the leaders of your belief system. So, They always wanted you to be a doctor, but in your heart, you are an artist, and you've been living your life as a doctor miserable because that's what your parents wanted. And you decide, you know what?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
I love mom and dad, but I'm going to become an artist because the best way to really honor myself and my family is to be happy. So that's making peace with your parents. I put a disclaimer in this chapter, if there's been severe abuse, if there's been any sort of molesting, I in no way put that expectation on you. I had an extremely troubling relationship with my father.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And much of my life was about trying to find some resolve there, which I was able to mostly do before he died a year ago. And you know, our, our adult relationships will very much reflect our relationships with our parents. And it's important to, to
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
look at your parents and to explore the relationship that you have with one of your, one or both of your parents through the filter of your adult self, rather than just the filter of your, um, little boy or little girl self. And, um, it will, it will absolutely change your life. So that was a very, I wrote that chapter as he was dying. He kind of died unexpectedly, but he died.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
I was writing that chapter and it was, I have a lot of case studies in there of all sorts of experiences with parents and, you know, yeah, you have to start to think of them differently. And I lost both my parents, and I was close to my stepfather, and I lost him too.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And one thing that I learned about, and I was very close with my mom, but of course, there's certain things that mother-daughter relationships can be kind of complicated. And I learned something profound about relationships with parents after they died, which is that you kind of let go of some of the resentments that you had when they were alive. And you build a little compassion.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And, um, you know, for some people you could say the same thing about business as well, but I think that, um, I think deep down in everyone's heart, uh, they want love more than they want money and fame.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
You could decide to never speak to your parent again. But you have to do that from a clear head, not from a place of reaction. Because I was estranged from my father for 13 years or something, and it did not help me. What helped me was learning how to not be afraid of him and to start to stand up for myself and to also start to examine the story that I've had about him for so many years.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And that's what I try to explain in this chapter.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah, I would say a third option, which is even better, let go of whatever story you have and start to accept them for who they are. And grieve the parent that maybe you wish you had but didn't have. And maybe ask them some questions about their life and their experience. And start to relate to them differently.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah. Well, again, it's hard. Your parents as children, they're supposed to be our heroes, but then you grow up and you realize you're just a person, just like me. And maybe there can be some compassion there because of that.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah, absolutely.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
You don't get to have it both ways. And I know, you know, this might come off as corny, but you know, fuck it. It's really true, which is that what did you gain by not getting what it is that you needed? You know, life is very mysterious. I know people who've had great parents and great upbringing and got everything that they want and they ended up being drug addicts. How does that happen?
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And I know people who've had real abuse, like really messed up stuff, and they're very successful in their marriage. How does that happen? So life in many ways is a mystery. And I certainly would not be sitting here today had I had the father that I wish I had. I just wouldn't be. I am convinced because I never would have had the marriage that I had.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
I wouldn't have chosen that man and I wouldn't have had that relationship that led to so much heartbreak that led me to delve into this work that led me here. And I don't know if I ever would have, you know, I have a long history in teaching yoga and yoga practitioner over 25 years. I don't know that I would have been seeking out that in my life had I not had the pain that I endured in childhood.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
You know, I don't know, but I, I think that, um, There is a resilience that comes with not getting what you deserve sometimes.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yes, absolutely. And look, that's life. I mean, it truly is about making lemonade out of lemons. I mean, I hate to say it, but it is. I mean, that's what leads to a more fulfilling life is being able to take the things that have been hard and create some sort of meaning out of it. That's what it's all about.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yeah, well, of course, my book, It Begins With You, which I believe is out. And you just need to know my name, Jillian Turecki. You can find me on Instagram, all over social media. My podcast, Jillian on Love. And yeah, that's where people can find me.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
I appreciate you. Thank you.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
it's interesting how many people I know who, uh, uh, I think there's people need a sense of purpose. They need to feel connected to themselves. Uh, they need to have a sense of self that they bring into a relationship and a relationship is a mirror. It is going to show you where your work lies and where your work is. And, um,
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
you know, I just was recently having a conversation with someone and he was just opening up to me about how he and his wife are going through a rough patch. They have a eight month, eight month old baby and babies can really rock the foundation of a marriage or a relationship. And he was just describing, he's like, you know, we're going through a rough patch. Like
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
we're arguing about this and that. And, you know, I don't know what to do. And this idea that he, he kind of wanted to like give up. And I said, no, no, you can't like what? No, you can't give up. You right now you're in your head and you're thinking that it's all her fault and you're doing everything. And it's not, it takes two to tango. And so I'm sharing this story just because, you know,
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
When people are clinging, they're afraid. When people are shutting down, they are afraid. And I started the book and named it, It Begins With You, because no one is going to stand in your way more than you. No one is going to lie to you more than you do to yourself. Same for me. This is just everyone. And it's not about you're the only person to blame. It's not about blame at all.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
So many relationships end because people don't know, they don't have the tools to make the relationship work. And that's part of the reason why we feel so incredibly vulnerable. There's lots of books out there about how to make money, how to run a business and all of that.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
It doesn't address, a lot of the books don't actually address what we were just a minute ago talking about, which is this is what it's going to trigger inside of you. And there's lots of great, amazing books about communication and communication. Let me tell you something, that's a skill that everyone needs when it comes to relationships. But there's not enough literature out there to address.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
This is what your mind is going to do to you when you are in a relationship. And if you are not careful and you let your mind get the best of you, it's done. And so I said to him, I said, you are stuck in your head. I understand that it's hard, but you don't just leave when it's hard. You figure it out or you do your best to figure it out. And when I say your best, literally your best.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
and after that you can you both can make a decision and this is you know there's no abuse here there's nothing like that you know they're very committed um but it's it's amazing to me how well i guess it's not amazing to me i i think that
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
relationships are where we feel yes the most vulnerable but what goes along with that is sort of like a helplessness like sort of hopeless you know like i don't know how to make this better all i know is that i feel like shit yeah the the i think people can put up with a lot of suffering
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And not having to take out your wallet.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
No, but that's very true.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
Yes. So in very ancient yogic texts and Buddhist texts, there's this idea of the monkey mind. So the metaphor is like if you think of a monkey swinging from branch to branch, just sort of swinging and moving, that's sort of like the nature of the mind. It's just going from thought to thought to thought. And the monkey's wild.
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And so if we don't learn the tools and if we don't practice taming the monkey, The monkey will take full control. We are story making machines. We like to make a story out of everything. And some people have a very, um, they have a knack for, um, assigning a lot of disempowering and negative meanings to everything. And, and, but we're, but none of us are immune to that. And so, um,
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#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
What's happening in a relationship when it's going well? Well, the story in everyone's head is filled with a lot of positive meaning and positivity and love. The relationship that's not going well, it's two brains that are creating a lot of stories. I mean, of course, there's other reasons that a relationship's not going well. There's very, very extreme circumstances that could happen.
Modern Wisdom
#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
But on the average, that's what's happening. And let's take this out of the context of relationships. It's like you can relate it to business or anything else. I mean, how many times have you like laid in bed at night replaying something in your mind or replaying something in the morning and you've created like... a whole story about what they did, what they thought, and why they did that.
Modern Wisdom
#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
But if we want to change something, our relationship lives, if we want to change our lives at all, we have to be able to look within and see the ways in which our insecurity gets in the way of a relationship. And we have to see where are also not just our insecurity, but our belief system and our conditioning and the things that happened in childhood.
Modern Wisdom
#893 - Jillian Turecki - 9 Harsh Truths About How Relationships Work
And you get yourself all worked up and you get yourself in such a state that And it was all in your head. And I think part of maturing is being able to catch ourselves in those thoughts and just being able to say, okay, I'm not thinking clearly right now. My mind is messy right now. And so
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And then there, of course, there's the grandiosity, which is they think everyone is sort of below them in some way. But the people who I work with and most of the problems, and I think the people who probably write into you, there's more of a lower self-esteem issue happening where they put someone up on a pedestal and and they project unconsciously their ideal partner onto this person.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Okay, so number one is...
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Maybe this person looks exactly like a childhood crush or like, you know, the actor who they were always in love with. Or maybe there is just something about them and their vibe that they're like, this is the person that I want. And, and, or maybe it's their job. The things on the surface are
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
People will then think, I must get this person because if I get this person, then I'm actually getting everything that I've ever wanted in a partner on the surface. If I get this person, I'm validated. I'm going to have a good life, right? So it's all an illusion. It truly is all an illusion. Then there's like the deeper childhood wounds of my father was very rejecting.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I'm putting this in the context just because I'm a woman who dates men. So I'm just thinking more, but it could be, you know, obviously whoever you date, but if one of your parents was rejecting of you and that's all you ever knew. And so you never really felt good enough. So actually in dating and in love, you
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Your sort of like center of gravity psychologically is I work really hard to earn love as opposed to understanding or being used to, no, like all I have to do is be myself and the right person is going to fall madly in love with me, right? You know, be myself with a little dosage of like, also let me check myself, right? Yeah. So people are used to that. They're used to the rejection.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And then again, the lower self-esteem. If they're not into me, challenge accepted. So other people are just like, there's a competitive edge. I'm going to be like, I'm going to change this person or I'm going to be the inspiration for their change or I'm going to make them notice me. There's just a conglomerate of influences around that.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Why are they not attracted to the person who's actually into them? Again, a lot of theories, and I think they're good ones. Fear of intimacy. And this is all unconscious. If I'm into the person who's into me, then we actually have to be in a relationship, and then I actually have to be vulnerable, and then I actually have to be emotionally available.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And then we're going to build this thing and like, ooh, that's icky and scary. What's easier for me is to go for the person who's completely emotionally unavailable, who's actually not that into me and may not even be that nice to me, but they're hot and there's something about them. And I really want to have sex with them. And I'm just going to use that as sort of like an in.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
There's some deeper healing needs to go on there. Like that might require therapy. That might require looking into your family of origin and trying to understand that. There could be like for a woman who's dating a man, you know, maybe she has a very misguided understanding of what it is for a man to be masculine. Right. So a woman typically is looking for lots of different things.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But a lot of women who date men are looking for a man where she wants to feel safe. She wants to feel safe and she wants to feel seen. She wants to feel understood. Maybe she's looking for some providership and maybe that has nothing to do with money, but just has to do with energy and vibe. Right. And so then she'll look to the man who may on the outside seem strong. Maybe he's tough.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You know, maybe his physique is big and strong. Maybe he's got a little bit of like that dark edge. So she reads it as, oh, he's going to protect me. There's something masculine and sexy about him. But on the inside, he's broken. He has no idea how to love because he doesn't know how to love himself anymore. He's not safe.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
He's actually very unsafe, even if not physically, he's going to be unsafe emotionally.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And so there's a maturity that needs to happen to understand that like your type, you have to get under the hood of the car a little bit more and understand like if you're looking for those qualities in a person, and I'm just using this as an example, then really what's actually going to be safe is someone with strong character, someone with presence, someone who has a sense of self, right?
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
who can actually feel safe in his or her own body. And when they can feel safe in their body, they can actually provide safety for you in the relationship and that you also have to understand how to make yourself safe. So there's a lot going on. I hope I'm not saying too much.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah, but so there's maturity level here. There's misguided understanding of what it is for someone to truly be embodied and safe and valued. And then there's also childhood wounding. And it could be all part of it.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So it's difficult because when you're dealing with, because what you just said, like, if you're into me, then you must be weak. But if you're not into me, then you must be strong. That's all through the filter of low self-esteem and low self-worth. It's like, what's wrong with you that you are actually into me? It's not just about accountability.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's like, can you see how incredibly powerful you are? that you can be the change that you want to see in your life. This isn't about like, oh, you're the problem. It's really rarely that it's one person who's the problem in a relational dynamic. Yes, it does exist for very extreme cases. And I'm never going to say that it's 50-50.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You know, it really could be someone who's 70% of the quote unquote problem and someone who's 30%. But if you can see that your relationship or your life is really the product of the choices that you make, and that it's not your fault if you didn't learn. We're all trying to figure out what it really truly means to love someone. Philosophers have been...
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
talking about this for centuries, trying to understand what love is or is not. And especially if you were raised in a family where like your parents really kind of didn't love each other. You know, maybe they said they loved each other, but their actions would speak otherwise. So we're all really trying to do the best that we can do with the tools that we have.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And really this book is just about giving tools. So how do you build self-awareness and also have the self-esteem? You're never going to raise your self-esteem by being too precious with yourself. You have to be willing to be brave and to look at the hard things, but also at the same time, acknowledge how strong you are. Like, let's just start with that.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Like all the miles that you've walked, all the things that you've had to overcome, all the struggles, all the late nights that maybe you've had of being really anxious and yet you still managed to go to sleep and get up the next morning and get ready for work or get your kids ready. It takes a tremendous amount of resilience just to be a human being. So just acknowledge that.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And at the same time, get really curious. We are very complex, weird creatures, you know, like we're all so nuanced and quirky. Don't think that you're so unique in your problems. Like you are not, these things that you worry about, millions of people are having the same worry at the same time. That's actually not what makes you unique. Your problems don't make you unique.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
The other beautiful things about you are actually what make you unique. That's beautiful. Yeah. The healing happens when you can acknowledge the ways in which maybe you've been standing in your own way and contributing to whatever it is that you don't want to have in life.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I've worked with hundreds of couples. I work with people at all stages of their relationship life. But a lot of singles are kind of like, you know, kind of the loudest because they want love. And I understand that. And so the first thing they work on is their mindset and their belief system. And so, yes, all the good ones are taken.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And yeah, I want to validate everyone who've had really hard experiences. So I'm going to tell a story, if that's okay. So I was out for dinner recently with some friends, one man and two women. and we were in New York City. I really care about this girl. She helps me out, and I'm just like, I want to get you partnered. What's going on? I wanted to sort of understand what was going on with her.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I said, well, what is it? What is it that you believe about men? She's like, well, I just think all men really just want one thing, sex. I was like, wow, interesting. I don't really think that's true. And then our guy friend who was there was like, that's really not true.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But she has this core belief and it's reinforced because she's gone on dates with men and they've sort of not really valued getting to know her and have made advances that were really inappropriate. But guess what? She gives him a second date. And then she gives him a second date and then it's even more reinforced. Mm-hmm.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And I said to her, and she wanted me to be really brutally honest with her. I said, first of all, that's actually not true. Sure, it's true for some, but it's actually not true. There are actually men out there who will be very attracted to you in a way that they want to know more about you. Like they're drawn to you. They're magnetized to you.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Wonderful to be here. Thanks for having me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes, it's attraction in the beginning, it's lust, but they want to know you. And they want a relationship. There's millions of men, single men, who want love and want a relationship. But you're choosing the ones who kind of suck. And who just want that from you. And you are actually rewarding their behavior by giving them another date. So you're part of the problem.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
These men are getting rewarded because they're getting some smart, intelligent, beautiful woman. They're getting a second date after they are treating you like they could care less about you. So you are actually training these men to do more of what they already do.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Instead of being like, yeah, I'm not interested and absolutely never seeing them again and deciding to be a little bit higher with your standard and a little bit stricter with your sort of boundaries about who you decide to date. I think that's actually a really good example of how someone can get really fixated on a belief and your beliefs are what create your mindset. Mm-hmm.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Then your reality becomes a reflection of your belief system. And yet you don't even realize the things that you're doing to reinforce it. Hence, it begins with you. And so having this conversation and also having like a really good looking podcast. heart nerd man at the table.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
When I say good looking, I mean, on the inside, on the outside, like, you know, great catch saying, absolutely, that's not true. And then me pointing out her sort of pattern and all that, we were able to kind of chip away at a belief that was actually the belief that's keeping her single.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's a combination of things of challenging yourself. Like, is that really true? Where did I adopt that? How am I reinforcing that? Could it be true that I've had some, a couple of bad experiences, but sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles. And that doesn't necessarily mean that it's everyone.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So you keep going for maybe the guy who you think is really smart, looks a certain way, has a certain job, or she looks a certain way or whatever. And you're so attached to that, that you keep getting the same thing as opposed to the mindset shift has to be, yes, listen, chemistry is important. You got to be attracted to the person if you want to sleep with them.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But you want to also train yourself to be drawn to certain qualities like someone's character and give people who you are like, well, oh, you know, there's something kind of interesting about them. I don't know if I feel an immediate spark. Screw the immediate spark. Let's see if you're actually like who you are and when you're with this person. And I'm not saying endless amount of time.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You can't force chemistry, but it can sometimes turn on like a light switch after three or four dates. If when you get home from the date, you're like, I had a good time, but I'm not quite sure if I feel the spark. They're not really my type and that whole chatter.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So there's a few things. One is it shouldn't just be the apps. I don't tell people get off the apps. Sometimes I say get on the apps. But if you just focus on that, that's going to burn you out and it's going to exhaust you and you're meeting a bunch of strangers. So that's like another mistake that people make is that they're impatient.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
No.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Completely different things. Some of the most intelligent, charming, witty, beautiful people on the planet are also the most unhealthy and the ones who will harm you emotionally. I mean, it really is a cruel joke, isn't it? I'm never going to suggest that you date someone who you're not attracted to. I do think though, and I would really be curious to hear your thoughts, Jay.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Like I do think that with maturity and maybe that's age and wisdom and that looks different for everyone, that you do start to find other things attractive. Like for me personally, someone who's like really present with me and like a good listener, it's not a guarantee. If you're really present with me and a good listener, that doesn't mean I'm going to be attracted to you.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But if you're not present with me and you're not a good listener and you're not interested, that's definitely going to be a turn off. Whereas in the past, I would have felt that in my body. I would have felt that red flag and then intuition that would have felt off in my body. But I would have suppressed it.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And I'm saying this about myself because I represent so many people who I know do this too because I see it all the time. Let me just repress that because I want to be seductive. I want to lure them in. I want the validation. I think they're hot. You know, maybe there's something there. And I think with maturity, it translates as actually, no, like that's actually a really big turnoff.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
when we start to have a clear sense of self, and I don't believe that anyone is ever fully whole ever. I think that's the journey. And I think that's the biggest lie. It's two whole people coming together. I mean, if that's really the truth, then we're all screwed, honestly. However, having no sense of self and no center is problematic too. Life isn't binary.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's not black or white, but we live in the gray area. But I do think that as we do get a clear understanding of ourselves, meaning What's important to us? What are the things that we struggle with? Can we find some sort of self-acceptance even in the midst of our greatest ambivalence towards the things that really we don't quite like about ourselves?
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Can we start to actually hold ourselves in high regard even though we are keenly aware of our imperfections and the ways in which perhaps we're difficult? Yeah. And to me, that's healing is really being able to be familiar with the parts of ourselves that are good and maybe not so great and still accept ourselves and see that we have intrinsic value and that we deserve love.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And I think that the more that we get an understanding of how to meet our needs better, understanding what our needs are, learning how to stand on our own two feet emotionally, for some people that's financially, whatever it is. then who we are attracted to changes. And the things that maybe we used to be attracted to
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's not every day that you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with. Like, it's just not that easy. But you have to get out there. You have to be proactive. Look, there are people who are sitting around on their couch waiting for like that person to fall onto the couch next to them. And it's not going to happen that way.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
we're not so attracted to, or like, I mean, I've definitely in the last couple of years have been like, oh my God, like that is the guy I totally would have gone for. And like, whoa, but I know that that is not right for me. So I kind of, I just switch it off. I don't indulge it. It's like, I can actually compartmentalize and be like, yes, totally attracted to him.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But I know that that would never be the right partner for me. So I don't even, they're just putting this box over here and I don't pursue that. that does not mean that I can't be attracted to a really good person. It just means that we can be attracted to many different people for many different reasons.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And the more that we heal and grow, the more we find qualities that are maybe not so, you know, charm forward, very attractive.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And in 40s.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Butterflies and almost danger, like excitement.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So you can either live your life to the fullest and enjoy your life and trust that one day organically, it may or may not happen if you put yourself out there and you widen your circle, or you actually have to be proactive. And that might mean going on a, like dating like it's your business, like going on a bunch of dates every single week with as low of an expectation as possible.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
That's very well said. And that's very, very true. There are people who are really accustomed to very unhealthy relationships. A lot of push-pull dynamics. There's a lot of toxicity. And often their physical intimate lives is the glue that keeps it together. Like that's the hot part of the relationship.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And that person then might get out of it and say, well, I may not ever have sex like that again. And I tell them, no, you probably actually won't. But that's okay because if you are at least attracted to someone and you feel safe with them, you can explore so much more.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You can go into the depth of your vulnerability with this person and then create a sex life that can be very wonderful with that person. And that's what you want to do. For some people, they even say, you know what? I just, I've deprioritized that. You know, they've been through so much crazy in their relationships that they actually have made the decision.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's not that it's not important, but they've deprioritized it because they've associated with so much pain. So everyone is on a different journey, but ultimately the 16 year old self, like you just have to just acknowledge that person and be like, no, you're not in charge because what you want is actually not good for you.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
overstep yeah it's a fine balance and i think it's hard for people like you said earlier we also want them to like us and yeah so what does that look like for me what i tell people i think you should be as direct and honest from the very beginning and i think that that's actually very attractive that is different however than sharing your entire childhood pain to a stranger
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So that's not the honesty I'm talking about. Someone has to kind of earn that information. And I don't think it's appropriate to share everything like that with a stranger. I think that has to go a little bit more slowly. There's a progression to getting to know someone.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's like you know someone, then you're getting closer and then you're sharing a little, then you're starting to open up and be vulnerable. You don't have to do that on the first date. But in terms of honesty of what it is that you really want, what it is that you really need, I think right from date one.
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Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
This becomes more complicated in when you're actually in a relationship. You know, I spent many years not really telling the truth. I've worked with many couples where there's a lot of love, but they weren't telling the truth. Fear of not being enough, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection. This is where rejection really is intense when we already love the person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Fear that we might disappoint our partner. Fear that they will never look at us the same way. Fear that they will resent all of that. And these are very real. But withholding the truth is what becomes the sickness in the relationship. And I always say, you don't just have the hard conversations for you or for your partner. You do it in service of love. You do it in service of the relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Because one of the biggest mistakes that people make in dating, like I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this. But you're texting with someone, you're kind of excited, you feel like there's a vibe. And then you go out and you're like, oh, I don't feel spark or I'm not into it. And then there's this, people then get into learned helplessness.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
When two people in a relationship have the mindset, since we've been using that word, have the mindset of, I'm going to protect our relationship. That's the priority. Sure, you're a priority. I'm a priority. But what we are building together, that's our baby. Like that's the priority.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And so if it means having to have really uncomfortable conversations, if it means having to say something instead of going into what's familiar, which is stuffing it down, then becoming resentful and then hating your partner for it. It's like whenever we have a higher purpose, whenever we feel like there's something that we're working towards, right? We will do what it takes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
We'll climb that mountain. We'll transcend that ego. We'll transcend our fears because we're doing it in service of something greater than ourselves. And in a relationship, your relationship has to be the thing that's greater than the two of you. That's the encouragement that I want to have people to have to tell the truth because it really sucks when you don't. It's very hurtful.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Well, it depends on what the withholding or the lies are about. Sometimes it's you're withholding a truth of just how you feel. And that's like not as much of a betrayal to the other as it is to oneself.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Which is I'm not I'm not speaking up I'm not telling you how this landed in my body for me and how angry I am at you Because no one will lie to you more than you lie to yourself And so a big part of telling the truth begins with telling the truth to ourselves Because oftentimes we don't want to look at it. It's hard. We suppress it. We don't want to express it But how do you repair from that?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And when they go into learned helplessness, they're like, you know, it's the why me, this is never going to happen. It's this state that I am in is permanent. Like I will never find anyone. No, dating is really an opportunity for you to practice your social skills. Social skills are things that most people are not that great at, honestly, even the people who think that they're really great at it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Well, again, it depends. Maybe you need a third party understanding, you know, what exactly, what were the boundaries that were crossed to what degree, how much can you find compassion for the person when they were withholding the truth? How much can you see that it actually wasn't personal and that it was just something that they were doing because they were afraid that
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You repair with a lot of listening, a lot of communication and possibly with a third party. But yeah, it's not easy. And it depends on the degree of, again, if it's actually a betrayal or it's, this is hard, but we have to learn to not take so many things so personally.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Because oftentimes, and I'm not talking about infidelity and things that are really detrimental to the sanctity of a relationship. Yeah. But oftentimes people are doing that and they just were too afraid. It's like, well, why didn't you tell me how you feel? You have to tell me how you feel. And yes, you kind of do. And you have every right to feel sort of like a mini betrayal from that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Like, how can I show up for you? How can I be in this relationship if you don't tell me how you feel? And that's very valid. But if the other person can say, you're right, I was afraid. This is what I was afraid of. And then two people are really starting to tell the truth. And now we're really getting into the deep stuff and getting vulnerable.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And a number of years.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But it begins with you because there's something that has to change in you as well. Because if there's something going on in the dynamic and you love this person and it's a good relationship otherwise, you are contributing in some way, whether you know it or not, to them not feeling comfortable to telling the truth.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Like people come, they come to a couple's counseling, a couple's therapy, they sit down and inevitably both people are thinking, fix the other person so that I can be okay in this relationship. When really it's when we change ourselves, we actually can influence the relationship and the change in the other. Not always, but a lot of the times we can.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
If you have the belief, they just need to change and be fixed and we're going to be okay. Yeah. You are in for a run for your money because that's actually not true. Like maybe they do have to change more than you, but there are things that you need to change in this dynamic as well.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
That's another lie we tell ourselves.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It takes a lot to really talk to someone and not interview them and actually be curious about them. You know, a lot of people are nervous. So practice breathing and being comfortable in your body. And getting to know someone and who knows, maybe you make a friend and maybe you never want to see that person again, but at least you're practicing.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
If you want your partner to change, we're getting into sticky territory. You have to accept your partner for who they are, but also you can have the expectation that they want to grow. And look, I mean, if we're not growing in a relationship, meaning trying new things together and also separately, you know, following our dreams in some way or, you know, even in our own personal lives, just...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
being willing to pick up a book or try a new thing, the relationship's going to get very boring. I mean, that's really what we're trying to do in so many ways in a relationship is how to combat, in a long-term relationship, how do we combat boredom? And really it starts with, are we boredom? becoming more interesting? Are we growing? Are we trying new things?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Not just are we doing new things together, but are we doing things individually? But if you fundamentally think that your partner needs to completely change who they are, you're not with the right person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But if you can accept them for who they are, but also want them to evolve and change certain things about themselves, look, many people will have to come to a moment where they ask themselves, is this enough? You know, like, can I tolerate this? And all I would say is no one is perfect. Everyone's growth is ultimately their own business, their own evolution, their own business.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And people grow in different ways. But if you want an apple, then you have to sit under an apple tree, not sit in like a pear tree. And then expect the apple to come down. So you have to know who your partner is fundamentally and be okay with that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Not your core ones, no.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes, it is. Or, you know, but always know that like, you know, there's no one who's actually perfect.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So the three biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps and not actually expanding your circle and doing new things and letting certain things unfold organically. Number two, impatience. Number three, just sort of high expectations. But I want to add another one if I can.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You know, that does not exist. And I think that, I do think that people know that intellectually, Jay, but I don't, but I still think that a lot of people expect perfection in others. You know, one mistake that many people have made is,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's okay that I'm flawed, but unconsciously I'm looking for this person who's so perfect, who's going to actually make up for the deficits that I have in my personality and make up for the deficits that are actually inside of me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And not listening to themselves.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Number one, the person who treats you well. And that doesn't mean, I think that, you know, when we're in a relationship for long enough, we will unconsciously hurt each other's feelings. And sometimes we will, even the most mindful of us, will behave or say something or do something that's not filled with a lot of mindfulness. You know, we'll act unconsciously.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
but fundamentally you want the person who treats you well, who respects you, who you feel good around. You feel like you can safely express an opinion. You feel like you can be yourself with them. That's so important. I think that is probably one of the most underrated things criteria for choosing a partner is, can you really be yourself with them?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I'm not talking about be your bad self, your lower self with them, but can you actually be who you are? Do you feel comfortable in your skin when you're with this person? Or do you have to hide parts of yourself so that they can accept you. So I think that's the most important thing. And so someone with whom you share values, someone with whom, can you agree on what a life well lived is?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Because you can have, there can be a wonderful connection with someone, but to them, they want to live a nomadic lifestyle. And you're like, no, no, no, I want to root and have children. Like, It's not going to work. You might have a great love affair, but you're never going to work long term. So agreeing on what a life well lived is, there's some compatibility and just in terms of core values.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
People get into these very long, I mean, when I say long, like weeks, texting exchanges with these people. And it gives them a false sense of intimacy. Oh, I have this amazing connection. They never even met the person. And then maybe they never meet. Don't do that. text a little bit back and forth like a day and make a date to either meet on FaceTime, Zoom, or in person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I think that's incredibly important because when in the duration of your relationship, things get really hard. Life happens. Family members die. maybe illness happens, money, whatever it is, it's your values. It's not your sex life. It's your values, like as you were saying, that it's not attraction or chemistry. It's your values that are going to really keep you together.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And I think it's, you know, that person who... If you had to be stranded on a desert island, like that would be the person you'd want to choose. And that's how you know.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And all their little eccentricities that annoy you and like maybe they're not as neat in the kitchen as you would like or maybe they're not exactly the height or, you know, maybe they've got some stuff that like you can go down a list and be like, that's not my preference. Those are the things you need to tolerate and accept. Yeah. Because they have the other things of values.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You enjoy being touched by them. You enjoy kissing them. Like there's attraction there. You agree on what a life well lived is. And you really feel comfortable being who you are when you're with them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You really should go about it as if your time is too precious to waste texting back and forth with a stranger who may not be available.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I don't know. I think that's a story that people tell themselves. Why do we do that? What I've seen is we've made some poor choices and so that we look back at that person and we romanticize them and pedestal them and actually see them maybe better. than what they were better for us. And so we get into our heads and we romanticize them. So I'm not quite sure.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
What I do know for sure is that if you tell yourself that story, well, then you're just like sealing your fate, that there's just no one else out there for you. And to me, that's part of the whole romanticism theory that keeps us very stuck in suffering.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I know.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's quite manipulative, isn't it?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah, for a month or more. And then you're getting all excited. I understand like the thrill of it and it's exciting, but it's such a waste of time, honestly. You know, meet the person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah. I love talking about this because I'm someone, I tend to lean sort of intellectual. And when I am not centered, I leaned as a lot of people do. And a lot of women these days anxious. So I can get like very like ruminating, analytical and all that. So I feel very equipped. And also I, when I work with so many people, I mean,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
the stories that they tell themselves about themselves and about their partner, that's not rooted in the truth because they're not communicating. I mean, it's the stories in our heads that ruin relationships. So how do we get out of our heads? Well, we start telling the truth and we start communicating. Like that's like the low hanging fruit, like build enough self-awareness
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And this takes practice where you can say, oh, I'm in my head right now. I am getting lost in a story right now because it's a habit. And some people really have a bad habit of getting lost in such a story about another person and then get themselves so worked up. And so what you have to do is keep practicing. That's that storyteller in me right now. That's a storyteller.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Maybe something else is true. Could something else be true? Let me communicate. Getting out of our heads is also getting in our bodies. So exercise, movement, breath work, going for a long walk, having a long healing process. conversation with a friend, doing something where you're social. If we're too much in isolation and we're spending too much time with ourselves, we're too much in our heads.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So it's a really beautiful strategy to get out of our heads when we see a friend or two, or we even go to something that we're invited to and just, because then our attention is outwardly focused. Like right now, our attention is outwardly focused. Yes, we have to go a little inward to kind of think, you have to go inward to kind of think of the question, right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I have to go a little bit inward to kind of give you an answer. But we're very, because we're having this like conversation, it's just you and me and the lights are on us and the cameras are rolling, we're outward focused. And when we're alone, everything is so inward focused. So moving our bodies is always the easiest, fastest way to get out of our heads. It's really, and it's daily movement.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's like, oh, I'm in my head. I'm going to go for a walk. Oh, I'm in my head. Maybe I have to take a cold shower. Get out of this state. Maybe I have to talk to someone. But it starts with the awareness of, you know, my mind, all of our minds can become battlefields.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Our mind can be a beautiful thing, but if we don't stand guard of our mind, we are going to be in serious trouble and no one is invulnerable to that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Exactly. So true.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah, a little stuck.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah. But you're just kind of like coasting, maybe borderline a little bit bored or complacent. Yeah. So like, let's say this couple has kids. stop making your kids the only focus of your life. You have to, your children actually want you to focus on each other. That's what's gonna be really good.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Like you are benefiting your children's mental health and lives when you are connecting with each other. So that's important. Shake things up a little bit. whether that's individually or together. Go on a date, try something new, bring some novelty, whether that's in the bedroom or completely outside of the bedroom. Take some time to really connect with each other.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Maybe it's sitting down and having a meal and just being like, okay, we're gonna put the phones away and we're gonna really connect. And maybe we're gonna talk about something a little bit deeper today. I had dinner over at a friend's last night and it was so wonderful. We just went into really deep stuff.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I mean, also sprinkled in with a little fun and silly stuff, but we just went into very deep stuff. And it's like, wow, this is so refreshing to be around people where you can be vulnerable and open. And I think couples kind of, you don't want to be doing that all the time because you need a little levity. So this is an interesting thing. As a couple, maybe you have to do a temperature check.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Like, do we need a little bit of levity? Like, do we need a little bit of lightness? Have we been too bogged down with their routines? Are we talking about the relationship too much? And we need to have like some fun. then do something new, do something fun.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Do something that you would have done in the first three months of your relationship, few years in, and watch the change happen in your relationship and build it into your weekly routine or at least your monthly routine. If your relationship is kind of feeling, you're feeling a little disconnected, right? So it's not the lack of levity, but there's the lack of connection. Get vulnerable.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Maybe connect in the bedroom or outside of the bedroom. Have a real heart-to-heart. Maybe do something new that's also very bonding. Touch each other. And I'm not even talking in a sexual way, but are you touching each other? Like, do you put a hand on the leg or on the shoulder? Are you being present with each other? Again, this is the part that's mindfulness.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And it really, sometimes it's so little that has a huge ripple effect. And it's just a matter of, oh, this is what we need. And one of you take the leadership role in that way. Be like, okay, let's do this. I really want to do this. It shouldn't be framed as like, oh, you know, we need this otherwise. It's just like, I would really love this. Wouldn't this be so lovely if...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And sometimes it's just, let me change something in me. Maybe it's not even a conversation with your partner. It's how you're showing up. Maybe you've grown a little complacent towards the relationship, towards your life, towards anything.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Maybe you need to shake things up a little bit inside yourself and bring a little bit more of the part of you because we all have so many different parts to our psyche and our personality. Maybe bring a little bit more of what you brought in the beginning of the relationship now. kind of always does the trick if people are willing.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Well, if they're just in the shock and the pain of just broken up. After that, yeah. Yeah, I would say after that, because in the beginning, it's more just like, how can I survive and who's going to support me, right? But when you're sort of out of that initial shock of pain, you're still hurt and you're still sad, but you're ready to self-reflect.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
One of the hardest things to do, yet most important things to do, and maybe you'll never 100% get clear, is how did I contribute to whatever... did not work, and how did they contribute?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's so hard not to go into the blame game and just blame them for everything and blame ourselves for anything, but true self-reflection when it comes to the end of a relationship is, can I have some clarity around some of the patterns that I have that have contributed to whatever didn't work? And can I get clear about what they did and what their patterns were that really didn't work?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And that's a process and it's a journey of self-reflection, but I think that is absolutely important. So start with what are some of the ways in which maybe I have contributed to what didn't work? Is there something in my self-esteem that needs to be worked on? Is there something that I learned from childhood that maybe isn't working?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And then to add to that is, what did I contribute that really worked? What are my strengths in relationship? Because you have to reflect on that too. How was I really, really loving? Maybe I was too loving to a fault, but I'm still loving. And I'd rather be too loving to a fault than not loving at all. So those are some of the questions that we need to ask ourselves. And these are hard.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I've gone through tremendous heartbreak and just having to go through that. But I was so hell bent on, I don't want this to ever happen again. So what do I have to do? And look, accountability in a relationship works. Wherever the relationship is in the beginning, middle or end is the most important thing.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
If you cannot take responsibility for being another human being in this dynamic, then you are essentially a nightmare to be in a relationship with. And I hate to be so blunt, but it's true. Accountability is everything. It's not about taking all the blame. But we have to be able to own our stuff.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And when two people are doing that, I really think that there's tremendous healing that can happen between two people if they're willing to do that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
No one is perfect. Figure out what you can tolerate and what you can't tolerate.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You don't have to lean on your husband when you're going through a miscarriage. You just lean on your mother and your sister. That was the worst advice that I got from a therapist.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah, a therapist. He said that to me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Very confusing. I understand when you're in a relationship that your partner should not be your only confidant. That it's really important to have some community or other people around you that you go to. Like you don't have to go to your partner for every single thing. You gotta have other sources.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But if you're going through a miscarriage and you can't lean on your partner, to me, that sounds insane. But I think her intention was don't lean on him for everything. And so I took that on as, oh, my God, I'm being too dependent or being too codependent. And it was very confusing. And it was only later on when I started to do this work.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
where I recognize that that was the worst piece of advice I've ever received ever from anyone. Especially in that situation. Especially in that situation. And I could not disagree with it more. That's exactly who you should be leaning on. And it's exactly who you should feel safe leaning on.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Save yourself. And choose someone who's going to have your back while you do that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
What I will say first, because I think this is important, I don't, in the book, I do say if you were sexually abused or terribly abused, I would no way tell someone to make peace with their parent. What I would encourage them to do is to figure out how to become the hero of their story rather than just the survivor.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
even if you never speak to their parent again, you have to figure out a way to question the story that you have about them so that you are looking at them and thinking of them through the lens of your adult self and not your child self. Because if you don't, that is going to infiltrate your romantic life and cause you a lot of problems. I wish that was one word, but it's a tough one.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I know I'm going to say something and then later I'm like, oh my God, I'm going to change that. One Laura. Oh my God. Letting go is so much easier than clinging. Letting go is so much easier than clinging. It's really hard, but your life will be so much better. than clinging if you learn to just let things be.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Thank you so much for having me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Thank you. You too.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's one thing to be rejected by the person you love. It's another thing to be rejected by a stranger who you don't know. This is just human nature. We go on dates. Even if we're not into the person, we want them to be into us. Right? Or like we find them, let's say we find them attractive. And then we find out, wait, you're not into me. You don't find me attractive.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah, but life really, the quality of our lives is very much determined by how well we can confront rejection. Like you're not going to be for everyone. And I really believe this with all of my heart and soul.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
If someone is not into you for whatever reason, like let's say you're in the early dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're not feeling a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not for you. I can guarantee that. So it's important to build that resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it makes a person more attractive. Second of all, it's just part of life.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And I know that it's like you're putting yourself out there, but I wish there was like a magic pill that I could give people to just get over it. But you have to become more resilient when it comes to that. You know, you can't be hiding behind text and not actually meet the person. It sounds hard, but you have to be stronger than that. Honestly, you really, really do.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And you have to just trust that like you're not for everyone and not everyone's for you. And yes, it's awkward. And maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of it all, you know, but you still have to if you want love and you want a relationship, you You have to go for it. You can't just be passive.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Number one is there is no, the one. there really isn't. I mean, we actually choose who the one is. And this is, this is really, really important. Love, as I'm sure you know, is a choice. Like it's a feeling for sure, but we're so conditioned to believe that love is just a feeling as opposed to a choice. And
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
you're going to have to make that choice many, many times throughout your relationship, which is I choose you, right? So people want to rush it. And so what they do and what I've done is that we lie to ourselves. And it's also because we've been lied by society that there is, and romanticism, that there is this one person who's going to come into your life.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And rescue you and make your life better. And that once you find that person, like everything becomes easier. And I'm certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships. But the more challenges you've had in relationships, the less that you've been modeled. what it is to actually really love someone.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
The more you are going to be challenged to overcome and transcend old things and old patterning to actually love someone and to do love, where it's a verb and not just a feeling. So how do we slow it down and we just want to rush it? It's about acknowledging that feeling. So a lot of people they meet, there's chemistry. And I know that this was me. I think if there's chemistry, then this is it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
As opposed to, well, maybe in the past there's been chemistry and I haven't had chemistry with the right people. So maybe I need to slow down a little bit and sort of process my enthusiasm. And it's not about, I don't want anyone to, I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. Like all that stuff is really fun in the beginning. But you want to just say, okay, hold on. What am I feeling right now?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. If someone is not into you, they absolutely are not for you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
This feels really good. This is really exciting. But I need to slow down because I actually need to uncover this person's character. I need to uncover their values. I perhaps need to get a little bit clearer on what it is that I need, what it is that I value, and what it is that I really, really want. Not just my preference, but what do I need in order to function in a relationship?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Do I have some understanding of myself? You know, it's difficult. Women, childbearing age, societal pressures, get married. I understand I have nothing but compassion for that. The more that I can stress that who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your entire life. And we are meant to kind of get it wrong.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And some of us get it wrong for a longer time than others, right? But it is the most important decision. So if you're going to rush that, you're really truly doing yourself a disservice. And you have to get comfortable with the fact that, yes, you're scared. You're scared to be alone. You're scared to not be loved. You don't want to be in the dating world. I get all of that. Be mindful of it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Connect to that within yourself and remind yourself always that who you decide to spend your life with might be one of the most important decisions, if not the most important decision, because there's no one in your life who's going to have a bigger impact on your overall well-being and emotional state than the person who you choose to spend your life with.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So you've got to take that decision very seriously and not rush it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Agree 100%. Agree 100%. It's so hard when you're dating someone
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's the why me, this is never going to happen. People then get into this learned helplessness. This state that I am in is permanent.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes. And many of those people might think, yes, it's easier when I'm single, but they're actually afraid to go back to it. And that's why they stay in these relationships because we fear the unknown.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I'm going to give you some theories. And there are theories shared by many. But one thing that I say is that if anyone truly understood 100% the answer to that, they would win the Nobel Peace Prize. Right? Because everyone has these theories and they're good theories and they're rooted in psychology.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I really want to put out there that no one truly has the answer to that, but there's some really good theories. So one theory, when someone is not paying as much attention to us, that could trigger attraction. And one of the reasons is, well, maybe they are like, maybe there's something really special about them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And so we put them on a pedestal and where we are on the spectrum of our self-esteem impacts that greatly. So if we are on the lower end of self-esteem, then we are going to meet people often and think that they are better than us. if our self-esteem is on the healthy level, then we kind of are like, well, I'm not better than anyone else. And no one's really better than me. We are all one, right?
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
And I always felt there was something, because I had been a yoga teacher for many years, and I always felt like there was something more for me. And I didn't know what it was, and then I discovered it was this. And I said, you know, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to teach people about love and about relationships, and I'm going to continue to teach people
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
wie man die Beziehung mit sich selbst fortführen kann, nicht nur durch Yoga, sondern auch in der Art und Weise, wie sie denken, besonders in ihren Beziehungen.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Thank you for having me. Every relationship we've ever had will reflect back to us the relationship we have with ourselves. Period. End of story.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Mein Mann repräsentierte meinen Vater. Und hier ist das interessante. They looked totally different, their personalities were wildly different. So their energy was different. But my husband would shut down. I felt, it's the familiar, it's how I felt in my body was so familiar, I didn't even recognize it.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Which is, oh, he's in that mood, maybe it's me. And then that tension that comes from believing that your partner is pulling away from you and you are the reason. And so you're constantly questioning in some way, unconsciously, your lovability, because this person is pulling away. And that was something that I felt... all the time in childhood.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
And it is not your job to try to convince someone to be ready for you or to choose you.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
You know, when I reflect on my marriage that ended many years ago, and I had to reflect on it a lot Ich habe gemerkt, dass es viele Dinge gab, obwohl ich ihn für viele Dinge blöden konnte und tatsächlich wahrhaben konnte. Es gab Dinge, die ich erkannt habe, dass, wow, wenn ich es wieder alles wieder gemacht hätte, würde ich so viele Dinge anders machen.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Und ich kann mich zurückdenken zu anderen Teilen meines Lebens, wo ich wirklich grave Fehler gemacht habe, wo ich vielleicht aus Charakter geachtet habe oder Dinge gemacht habe, die ich nicht machen wollte. And someone once told me, and I wish I could remember, I wish I could say it was my mom, I don't think it was.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
But I was told many years ago that there's no such thing as failure, there's just lessons. A lot of lessons. A lot of lessons. And the thing is, the story that you keep replaying in your mind about your marriage and the things that you wish you had done differently or the mistakes that you made or the mistakes that he made,
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
At this point, it's really a story because we can't remember everything that happened back then. We're just giving it a meaning. So it's not that the story isn't true, but you're giving it a meaning, which is I failed it. I don't know. I'm a failure. I can't be trusted. If I get married again, I'm going to have pain again. Do these all ring true to you?
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Right. And I understand that. I understand that. But the fear of pain is making you push away good men.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
But you both let each other down in many ways, right? In your marriage? I mean, isn't that, that's typically what happens in a marriage, is that we all make mistakes. I mean, it's not that it's a 50-50 split, but it was a marriage, it didn't work out. And now you have an opportunity to love again. The greatest gift you can give your children is to live your life and to be happy.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Now, of course, you can't be happy all the time. But the greatest gift you can give them is to just live your life. There is no version of love that does not come with it, the risk of a broken heart. But we decide to take that risk because nothing meaningful in life comes without risk. And you have to now start to trust yourself that whatever doesn't work out, you can handle.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Und wenn du in einer Beziehung bist und du anfängst zu bemerken, oh, ich mache das Ding wieder, wo ich sie entferne, ich sabotiere, hast du jetzt die Möglichkeit, dir zu sagen, oh, ich mache das Ding wieder. Ich mache das nicht. Und du kannst es sogar mit deinem Partner sprechen. Ich habe diesen Pattern, den ich mache, und ich will das nicht machen. Können wir darüber sprechen?
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Du weißt, ich wette, dass du genau weißt, was es ist, was du tust, wenn du eine Beziehung sabotierst. You have a habit. That's true.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
I don't know what your method is. Maybe you start fights. I don't know what it is. But you have this thing. I just pull back. You just pull back. Yeah.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
And then your partner is like, what's wrong?
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
I'm just terrified of not being enough. The fear of pain is making you push away good men. I want you to make a deeper connection. And sometimes that deep connection doesn't come on the first date.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
I have a few thoughts. I would imagine it's true that you really value adventure and novelty in life. Is that a big thing for you? Because you just said that you're going on a lot of adventures.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Okay, so, oh boy. So, yes, so you do, you're not someone who is playing it safe. You're not the person who lives your life playing it safe. I mean, you're a professional skier. You climbed Mount Everest four times. Ich meine, das ist nicht jemand, ja, aber das ist nicht, ja, okay, also das ist nicht jemand, der eine sichere Leben lebt. Und so suchst du für das Feuer.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Also oftmals, wenn wir jemanden, der Werte auf einem hohen Niveau, Erlebnisse, Novelität, vielleicht ein bisschen Risiko, vielleicht ein bisschen Gefahr haben. What we're also drawn to in relationships is a lot of that fire.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
And sometimes, not always, but you can verify this for me, sometimes what that can lead to is maybe a lot of relationships or relationships that feel like a roller coaster or a lot of fighting, maybe a lot of physical passion, but then just a lot of fighting and ups and downs. Is that your experience?
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
But you said you're too picky. You're too picky, right? So here would be... This is my advice to you. I... I would never suggest that anyone pursue a relationship with someone with whom they don't feel any chemistry. But I think you should have a lot of dates where you are really sitting down with someone and really getting to know someone.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Because one of the things that's really hard to distinguish is the difference between lust and love. And when we feel a lot of that fire and that feeling, you know, you said you're very laid back. So you may be going for like the fiery type and you're leading with that feeling. And I don't want you to not have any chemistry, but I want you to make a deeper connection.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
And sometimes that deep connection doesn't come on the first date. It just doesn't come. And if you're looking for the immediate fireworks and if you don't feel it, then you write someone off, then yes, I would say to you that your pickiness is not an indication that you're not ready, but it is an indication that this is one way in which you might be standing in your own way. So,
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
I would actually give women who you think are pleasant and nice more of a chance. And instead of being in the position of vetting them, they have to have the same lifestyle as me, I have to feel that fire, all these things. I want you instead to try to make a connection with another human being. Vielen Dank.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Yes, absolutely. Who accepts you for who you are and you accept her for who she is, but she doesn't have to be doing it with you. And I think that's where you maybe need to expand your mind a little bit.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
No, I think you can be looking at it through the same... You hope to one day be in a relationship. So I always say prepare. So these are things to help you prepare. And also if you want to put yourself out there and date, there's some very important principles in the book that you need to be aware of so that you have better experiences in a relationship.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
But I would imagine that it's a little scary, it's a little intimidating to put yourself out there and go on dates and then... Maybe you don't have a great date and then you think, well, you know, what's the point? Or, you know, I'm better, I'm happy alone. But could you maybe just think of it as instead of going on dates to find your next partner, can you make some friends with some men?
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Okay. Do you have a favorite restaurant that you like to go to in the neighborhood? Yes. Okay. So take yourself to dinner or for lunch. Okay. You can sit at the bar and you can bring a book and start talking to people. Now, it doesn't have to be men. You could be sitting next to someone because you said making friends and talking to people comes naturally to you.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
You can start talking to people and you never know, you could meet a woman whose cousin is Whose cousin's kid, you know, whatever, whose cousin is just recently divorced or you just never know what's going to happen. And I often say, like, if you're not going to do the apps, totally fine. Expand your circle. Start talking to people. Put yourself, get yourself off the couch.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
It's not going to happen on your couch. And get yourself out there. And even if you go with just one friend and you sit at the bar and start talking to people and start making connections. And because then you never know. And that's a very organic way for it to happen. But it's also you being proactive.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
And you say, I'm going to put myself out there more without it having to be this, you know, swiping and going on a date and having that sort of that tension and that rigidity around it. And so that's how I would start. Amen. Thank you for that. Thank you for that. Go for it.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
I'm navigating it, you know, it's a wild ride. It's a wild ride. I navigate it by staying grounded through my yoga practice, through meditation and through just trying to stay as present as I can.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Have you hired a babysitter and just gone to a hotel for a night?
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Es muss nicht übernachts sein. Es kann fünf Stunden dauern. Es kann fünf Stunden dauern, wo du Abendessen machst, aber nicht die Nacht. Und du gehst weg und du hast eine Nacht oder ein Abend, wo es nur die beiden von euch ist und du fühlst dich nicht nur wie Mutter und Vater. Das wird wunderbar funktionieren.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
We've never thought of that.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Was mir auf den Kopf kommt, ist wahrscheinlich der erste, weil es der Titel des Buches ist. Es beginnt mit dir.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Weil die Leute sofort denken, dann ist es meine Furcht. Und wir, die Leute streicheln обычно diese Linie zwischen dem Blamen der anderen oder dem Hyperblamen von sich selbst. Und so kann die Verantwortung entweder einen Perfektionisten verändern, kann sie in einen Wurmhaufen nehmen oder die Person, die jemanden verurteilt, sie wollen keine Verantwortung nehmen. It begins with you.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
It just means that you are the change that you wish to see in your love life.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
It is the greatest lesson. It is the greatest lesson. And I think one of the most profound lessons I learned from heartbreak is just because someone's part in your story has ended, it does not mean your story has ended. You have a whole other story to continue in your life.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
And one of the hardest lessons that we will ever face as human beings is learning to accept when someone's part in our story is over. We don't like to let go. We like to hold on. And nothing lasts. So even if you stay in a relationship for decades, you're going to have to mourn, grieve, People that they used to be. Because we were always evolving and changing.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
So even if it's the same relationship, you're going to have to let go over and over again.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Absolut. Und ich sage immer, dass Beziehungen selten enden, weil sie nicht lieb sind. Sie enden mehr oft, weil die Menschen nicht verbunden sind. Und sie sagen, ich liebe diese Person. Es geht nicht um Liebe, aber ich fühle die Verbindung nicht. Ich fühle mich nicht gesehen. Ich fühle mich nicht verstanden. Ich fühle mich nicht gehört.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Und wenn du in einer Beziehung bist, muss unsere Priorität sein, wie kann ich in den kleinen kleinen Wegen jeden Tag, wie kann ich eine Brücke zu dieser Person schaffen?
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
I woke up that morning. It was a very early pregnancy. And I woke up that morning to bleeding and it occurred to me what was happening.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Yes. And he was already at work because he had to go to work really early. And I called him and I said, I have to go to the gynecologist just to get blood work to make sure that this is what's happening. Can you come with me? Can you meet me there? And he said, no, I'm really busy at work. Und ich sagte, okay. Also ging ich alleine. Und das war etwas, was ich vorher alleine tun musste. Ja.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Und dann wurde es bestätigt. Und so kam ich heim. Und ich texte ihn, was für eine Zeit du heute heim wirst. Und er sagte, ich werde bei meinen Eltern bleiben. Und ich sagte, und ich wusste in meinen Beinen, in meinem Körper, dass er fliehen würde. And I said, well, what do you mean?
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
And then I called him and what ensued was a conversation where he was basically telling me that we are on two different paths. Und ich war ein bisschen hysterisch, weil ich dachte, du kannst es nicht so machen. Du kannst es nicht so machen. Das ist sehr falsch. Ich habe immer gesagt zu ihm, es ist nicht die richtige Sache zu tun und du wirst es regretten.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Und du bist derjenige, der das für den Rest deines Lebens leben muss. Aber er hat nie, ja, haben wir uns wieder gesehen? Sicher. Aber kam er immer wieder nach Hause? Nie wieder.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Devastation. Devastation. I remember having this thought. Oh, this is what it means when someone says that their world has completely fallen apart. This is what it means when everything falls apart.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
We had problems. Mm-hmm. Ich habe immer gesagt, dass bevor wir verheiratet waren, war unsere Beziehung um 90 Prozent groß und um 10 Prozent sehr problematisch. Nun, du könntest sagen, das ist eine ziemlich gute Statistik. Aber die 10 Prozent, die problematisch waren, waren sehr problematisch. Die Dinge, die ich heute nie ignorieren würde.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
So, people think that when they get married, their problems are going to go away.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
The marriage is going to heal it. No, the marriage only shines a light.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
So then the 10% became the 90% and the 90% became the 10%. So our marriage was very problematic, somewhat focused around the fact that I wanted to wait to have children, he wanted children right away. We didn't have those important conversations.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
And he started to do this thing where if he were upset with me, he would completely withdraw and completely shut down, which was a humongous trigger for me. And he did it a little bit before we got married. And there was something very... Ja. Ja. Ja.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Well, when that happened, I became obsessed with two things. One, how am I going to get myself out of this hole? How am I going to get myself off the ground? Yes. And two, what makes a relationship work? Because I could not believe... I mean, now looking back, I can understand it. But at the time, I could not believe that I was 40 and... ein Verheiratetsein zu bekommen. Und das war mein Destinat.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Das ist, wie ich es gedacht habe.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Und ich konnte nicht glauben, dass ich in dieser Position war. Ich war seit vielen Jahren ein Yogi. Ich habe mich für matur gezeichnet. Ich habe mich für selbstbewusst gezeichnet. Und es war schockierend für mich. Und ich dachte, ich muss das herausfinden. Ich muss das herausfinden. Und es wurde eine Obsession.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Ja, dass Kinder geboren werden, wir sind alle geboren mit einem spezifischen genetischen Make-up, das es so macht, dass wir eine Proklivität zu einer bestimmten Persönlichkeit oder bestimmten... He didn't use this word, but like a certain nervous system, a certain way of being, and that you might have this difficult child.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
And that is just their nature. And so if you are struggling, here's the compassion. You know, it's not you. It's not your fault. You didn't create this. And here are the tools on how to create more peace in your family life, because the difficult child is definitely disrupting.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Well, hugely because he mentioned me in the book. And the new edition, he took that out for my request. So, of course, as a young child, I was like, I'm famous. This is amazing. I felt significant. I felt like a book is being written about me. This is amazing. And then as I started to get older, I realized, wow, this label is like a heavy bag that's resting on my shoulders that I can't get off.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
It follows me wherever I go.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Absolut. Er sagte, dass ich, als ich zu einem bestimmten Alter geworden bin, ausgesehen bin. Ich bin ausgesehen, also ist alles nicht verloren. Also, ja, aber es war alles Teil dieses... He called it a syndrome, the difficult child syndrome. So the difficult children can also be incredibly creative. A lot of them can have good social skills.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
These are not the children who need to be hospitalized for behavioral stuff. They kind of teeter that line. And every time I made a mistake or every time I was... Ich glaube, dass wir bestimmte Nervensysteme haben, in denen wir geboren sind. Und das kann in der Wunde beginnen. Und einige Menschen sind einfach mehr sensitiv als andere.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Und wenn du ein Kind bist und du hast einen hohen Degree von Sensitivität, dann ist es wichtig, dass du dich nicht nur in der Wunde befindest, sondern auch in der Wunde. Du weißt nicht und du hast keine emotionale Regulierungskunst. Die einzigen emotionale Regulierungskunst, die du lernst, sind die von Mama und Vater. Das stimmt. Und meine Eltern hatten eine schreckliche Beziehung.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Mein Vater war ein sehr komplizierter Mann. Er hat viel mit Bipolarschäden kämpft, eine sehr schwere Form von Bipolarschäden, die ich als Kind nicht beurteilt hatte.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Also ich habe seine Moods sehr intensiv gefühlt und er hat mich gefreut. Er hat mich nie an die Hand gelegt. But his energy was very dark and very unpredictable because I saw more of the serious depressive side. And he was a psychiatrist, so he was very brilliant, so he had a very analytical mind. And he was never present, he was always in his head.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
And so I would pick up on the tension that he had in his body. And then he was unavailable, like you couldn't ever really reach him.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
Yes, something I'm doing wrong.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
I found some peace with him before he passed away. I had to wake up one day because I decided to be estranged from him. One day I decided to stop returning his calls. And I thought, if I just never spoke to him again, that I would be okay, that that would be the solution. Yeah, for sure. For sure. For sure.
The Oprah Podcast
Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships
So as I said, I became obsessed. And so with figuring out what makes a relationship work. And so I worked with coaches. I worked with, I have mentors that I've had really since then. And I put my entire life into understanding relationships and the concept of love.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And so we meet someone, they're amazing, we're attracted to them, and we unconsciously project our ideal, the ideal of what we think a partner should be onto this person. And we put them up on a pedestal. And then, and this is a little, this is, I'm deviating a little bit why we stay in relationships where we're mistreated. I want to get back to that.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But this is, then we get to know each other and things get real. And we think. And again, it's usually an unconscious thought. We think, this person is not as perfect as I thought they were. What happens to the person who's on the pedestal? Whenever you're on a pedestal, you are inevitably going to become the fallen hero because you're going to fall off the pedestal.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And then things start to get real and they start to nitpick. And you're not living up to my expectations. And a lot of people break up at that moment. Why? All because they had unrealistic expectations about love and about people and about partnership. And that's something that they have to resolve within themselves.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because the transition from the honeymoon phase to the more committed stage of the relationship, things get really real. And when things get really real, that's when you have to That's when the mirror is in front of you and you're seeing, oh, all those things that I was working on, why is this coming up now, right?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's like, okay, this stuff is coming up right now because you're still human and there's still things coming up and you're going to see it in them. The beauty is, can you talk about it? And the beauty is also how judgmental are you? Because there's people, there are some people who are just, their expectations are too high and they're too, they have no tolerance for imperfection.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
No one is.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Exactly. Because they have, again, this unconscious blueprint of someone is supposed to be perfect and bring and make up for the imperfection that lives inside of me.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And the thing is, you think, oh, that's a toxic person. No, this lives inside of us, all of us at some point in our lives. because we've been conditioned by this idea of romanticism and the perfect person, and I'm gonna meet this person who's going to make up for, you know, They're going to love me exactly for who I am. And they're going to come in and they're going to heal me.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Again, most people know intellectually that that's not how it goes. But we do. We think this. We romanticize as the one. We all long for someone who's going to love us almost in the way that a parent has loved us. And then our flaws are going to be irrelevant. And they're going to be flawless. So getting back to why do people stay in relationships where they're mistreated? Well, I mean, self-worth.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
not feeling like they deserve more, naivete, not understanding that that's actually not how you're supposed to be treated. You're supposed to be treated with kindness and respect always. Sure, you might have arguments and it gets a little bit heated, but there should always be a baseline of kindness and respect and politeness, honestly. Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
So yeah, but people stay because also they saw maybe their parents in something unhealthy. They don't think that they, they don't see their worth enough to be treated well. And they keep seeing in the person, the potential of who they were. You know, this person was so amazing and now they're not. And so they're so attached to that.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And then they think, you know, real low self-esteem will have a person asking themselves, What did I do to bring this out in this person?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Blaming themselves.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, many, many years ago, many years ago, over 20 years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who was very abusive. I've never been in a relationship that has been abusive since. I mean, definitely I've been in relationships, I've been in beautiful relationships, and I've been in relationships where maybe, where definitely I was not treated at the level that I want to be treated.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But that we have to differentiate that from straight up abuse. Not every time you're not, you know, maybe you want to be treated better. That's not the same thing as abuse. So my lowest self-worth was when I was in that relationship.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
One year.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. The first three months or the first couple months were great. And I was very naive. It was just and I it was all attraction and lust. There was nothing. I wasn't, my radar was not up for character. My radar, like even, I remember asking my friend who knew him, what do you think? She was like, I think that he might be really complicated with women. And I was like, challenge accepted.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I'm going to solve this. I'm going to be different. It's going to be different with me. Like, yeah. Why do women,
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I think it's more, I'm going to be the one who inspires him to change. And so therefore- You can't change anyone now. No, of course not.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because it's depicted in films. I mean, how many, how many movies are there out there where there's like the bad boy and the, and he changes, he softens.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
He becomes a better man.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I believe most of us is... There's a lot of conditioning that is happening. There's also childhood. You know, maybe for that woman, that father was very emotionally unavailable. And so she's able to then be with someone who's never going to be able to meet her needs. It also depends on who the broken man is. If the broken man is very masculine seeming, he's not truly. So there's a misconception.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
A false masculinity. So maybe he's big and muscular. Maybe he's tough.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Well, maybe he's just the guy who she thinks that if anyone's going to mess with me, he's going to protect me. And so she's drawn to that. But what she does not realize yet is that someone who's broken and disconnected from themselves is absolutely nowhere close to who he is as a man. And it will never actually protect her. In fact, he will take from her rather than give to her.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, I'll take it. He won't be safe. Anyone who's broken, regardless of gender or how you identify it, you're not safe. You've got to heal some stuff within you. You don't have to be perfect. But yeah, so The Broken Man, I mean, it's like that phenomena of women who fall in love with men in jail who've committed horrific crimes. There's an amazing book, and I...
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I'm embarrassed that the author is escaping me, but I will name the title, and it's The Women Who Love Too Much. They get into these relationships with men who are deeply, deeply, deeply traumatized men who are... Essentially... Everything exists on the spectrum, right? So getting into a relationship and thinking, I will be the inspiration for his change. I will fix him.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That man could be just like maybe a little bit messed up. And then there's women who get into relationships and they are just like, I'm going to be a rehabilitation center. But men do that too, you know? Men do that too.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Well, it usually starts with childhood. Maybe their father was an addict. Maybe they saw their mom doing that. Maybe they don't see their worth. And so they figure out a way to be needed in a man's life.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yes, and so he'll never leave me. We really want to enter relationships wanting to be loved, but some of us get into relationships thinking we don't have enough value to be loved, but if they need me, then I will never be left. And so if she gets in and she's fixing him, then he'll form a dependency on her. And then he will never leave.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
This is, and this sounds crazy, but in many ways this plays out, it's very subtle. So I'm very committed to helping people. You don't, you don't want a project. You want a partner and you have to get in touch with your, because there's lots of men who want to rescue the broken bird. You know, there are a lot of men who want to be the hero, right? Because he doesn't see his worth.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But he's like, if I can rescue this person, then she or he will form a dependency on me.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
There's so many challenges with that.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You might be the bigger problem.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Very, very hard. We have so many expectations. So what you're describing is what so many people do, which is, I will change this person. You cannot change a person. You have some options. You either completely accept them as they are, And realize and maybe realize that you yourself are not as evolved as you think you are.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And you accept that maybe they are growing, but they're growing at a different pace. Yeah. And they're not growing the way you want them to grow, right?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Or just don't be with them. It really, it's very important if you can't... It's very important that we grow, but at the same time, we're also always changing. So there's also another conundrum that people face in long-term relationships is, oh my God, you're different. Oh my God, you changed. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That can make someone feel really out of control and feel like, oh my God, are you not going to love me anymore? Are you the same person? You mentioned the word attachment. As human beings, we get attached and we get attached to outcomes and we have expectations.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And the road to less suffering is to have very little expectations and very little attachment to the outcome and to really live and let live. But that's very difficult for us humans, you know? And so going back to, you know, maybe I'm half the problem. No, if you're in a relationship and you are so fixated on your partner, being someone who they are not. You are the problem, not them.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because they can just get into a relationship with someone who's not fixated on changing them and they will have a better relationship. Right, it's true.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And let's let's add something to that, which is and let's even remove the prison part.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. Let's just say because of his quote unquote brokenness, he could never, ever love her the way that she needs to be loved. He cannot meet any of her needs. He's selfish. He's self-involved. He's unable to be there for her, to support her, to make her feel safe, to make her feel loved. Pretty low.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And I think she does not see that she's actually worth being given to. She doesn't understand that love is a two-way street. she is so in the hamster wheel of trying to be enough for the other person. And she's trying to be enough for someone who's actually not even on her level in many ways. So it's pretty, it's pretty low. There's a spectrum. It depends like, you know, is he, how bad is he?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You know what, but, but it's, it's, it's pretty low. I mean, because here's the thing she doesn't, it's, it's also a self-respect thing. It's also seeing it's a self-acceptance thing. And when someone is with someone who is so broken that they are just not treating them well, not meeting their needs, what's happening in the low self-worth is that she is feeling a disconnect from herself. 100%.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
She's so divorced from her body. So she's divorced from the signs that her body is giving her that everything is all wrong. And she lives inside her head. And we're saying she, but this could be really anyone. She lives inside her head. And all she's fixated on is being enough for this other person or making sure that this person never leaves them. That's pretty low.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Again, there's a spectrum to this, but it's pretty low.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yes, because there's so much here that I want to touch on.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yes. And we're going to go into a deep dive into that. But first, I want to say something. This idea that you have to be two fully whole, healed people to come together to form a healthy relationship is not true. And it's actually, we cannot, we can't continue to spread that. We wanna be healing.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You wanna be a work in progress. You wanna be self-aware. You wanna be working on your stuff. And you want to do that with someone who wants to do that with you too.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And they're not, absolutely.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. And sometimes what that is, is literally like, what am I doing in the relationship? to communicate more.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, it takes so much courage. It's not just what am I doing in the therapy office. What am I doing when I'm sitting on the couch with my loved one, with my partner, and they're having a hard day, and I don't really feel like listening to it. I'm tired, not in the mood. Am I going to kind of lose presence and not pay attention when they're having a hard day because I'm not in the mood?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Or am I going to take a deep breath and show up for my partner even though I'm not in the mood? That's healing. Because in those moments, you're overcoming and you're breaking patterns that you did in the past that did not help your relationship. And you are being a better person inside of the relationship. That's healing.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And you actually gain a stronger sense of self when you do things that are good for you and good for your relationship. When you do things that challenge you, rather than, you know, it's like, the road less traveled, the easy route, you're never going to build your sense of wholeness and your self-esteem. You have to do things that challenge you. It's one of the things I talk about in the book.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You have to do some things that challenge you. And so it's in those seemingly very insignificant moments in a relationship where you're like, oh, I can go this way, which is just like, what I've always done. Or I can go this way even though I'm not in the mood. I'm going to make the choice to go this way. And you feel better about yourself because you've transcended something in yourself.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And then that's healing. That healing is happening there. So this idea that some people definitely need a timeout and they need to do work on themselves. I know you did that. I mean, lots of people have to do that. I've done that. Plenty of people I've said, you are not ready to be in a relationship. You are not ready. But other people, it's like, okay, you're ready enough.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And the rest you're going to have to do when you're with the person because you learn, because... We how can we build our sense of self-esteem and self-worth and self-acceptance if we're not bouncing off the reflection of other people and how they see us? We know we don't exist in a vacuum. So people often ask me, well, how do you know you're ready? How do you know you've healed enough?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
How do you know you're ready for a relationship? Well, I mean, there's a lot of when you were number one, when you realize that there is no the one. You choose who the one will be, and you're going to have to make that choice many times throughout your relationship.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because if you're thinking 10, 20, 30, 40, the rest of your life with someone, you could love them and you can have a great relationship, but you think there's not going to be days where you actually have to choose love? Of course. You're ready for a relationship when you realize there is just no one who's perfect. And you are going to have to decide.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You have to know what is tolerable versus what is intolerable. Because you have to have a lot of tolerance. Because we are complex. We can be highly annoying. We can be highly weird. We've got our stuff. We've got neuroses. We've got our stuff. What are your deal breakers? What's absolutely intolerable? And can you tolerate the rest?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
impressive, beautiful, long-lasting relationships, they are not judgmental. They're not tolerating garbage from the other person. Yeah, disrespect. No, no, no, no. But they're just not judgmental of all the other stuff.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Not everyone is. I mean, well, you start with being less judgmental of yourself. The people who are hardest on themselves tend to be the hardest on others. And then, yeah, so you have to check it. You have to have a lot of tolerance. You have to keep, it's all, it all begins with self-awareness. Your awareness of yourself, like, oh, am I doing that thing again? But yes,
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
As you heal, do you feel more whole? Absolutely. Do we ever feel 100% whole? I don't know. I think that we have so many different parts to ourselves. The goal is to be less fragmented, but I don't know if we're ever going to be 100% healed. But yes, as we heal, we feel more centered. Another word for that is more integrated, more whole, all of that. And
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
We want to, everyone is kind of drawn to a similar level of consciousness. So if you really are more integrated, you know, you've got your stuff and you've got your wounds, but you're generally, you're more integrated person. Like you're connected to your heart because most people live inside their heads.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And it's really quite rare these days to find someone who lives more inside their hearts and is truly emotionally available. I think we have a little bit of an epidemic of people in here and emotionally unavailable. And I'm seeing that a lot in people who are dating. It's like no one's emotionally available. It's like, yeah, we're really struggling.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
There are some people, this is taking it full circle to your first question about investment. There are some people who are going to be emotionally unavailable to you because they're actually not that into you. They might be attracted to you. They may want to have sex with you. They might think that you're like, you know, cute, lovely, fun, convenient.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But they're not emotionally available to you because they don't feel emotionally bonded to you. So they're actually not that interested. Then there are people who... have real psychological and emotional barriers to closeness and to openness. They live in here. They're psychoanalyzing everything. They have a lot of walls up. Maybe they have a lot of relationship trauma.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
They were hurt in the past, so the walls are up. And they want to be discerning, but really, no one can really get through to them. Some people, they grew up in a home where they didn't talk a lot about emotions. And so that's very difficult for them. But there's a difference between someone who's really present with your emotions and maybe is difficulty emoting themselves, but they're trying.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Like you give them that feedback and they're trying. That's very different than someone who's just not emotionally reachable and you just, you can never go deep with them. And every time you want, like, you know, you're with someone who's either not into or emotionally unavailable when you're seeing them for a few weeks and you're like, okay, I want to take this a little bit deeper.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I want to talk about deeper stuff. I want to share. I want to be vulnerable. They're not vulnerable. They're not willing to be vulnerable with you. And they're not particularly receptive to your vulnerability.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
What relationship should be investing in or the people in it?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Okay. That's a great question.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That's a great question.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Learning how to communicate better. So that might mean just buying some books on communication.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Every tool needs to be put to use. So none of these things are going to, you know, you have to practice. You have to learn the communication skills and put them into practice.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Better listening. Starts always with being a better listener. Talking less, listening more.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Number two, understanding that we don't just communicate with our words. We communicate with our body language. We communicate non-verbally all the time. So being attuned to really paying attention to what's going on with your partner, even when they're not directly telling you.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, you'd put that at number one. Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
In all forms.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, all of that.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You know, you want to be a great partner. Master your partner. You want to be a great person in a relationship? Master your partner. Know their emotional highs and lows. Know their triggers. Know if they're menstruating. Know when that time of the month is and what that means to them emotionally. No, become a master of your partner and two people who are doing that.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And what that means is you are so a master, not a master over them, but you are, they are like, they are a piece of art that you have really, that you understand like the back of your hand.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, you paid attention. So you're so attuned to your partner that when they're sad, you know it. When they're happy, you know it. When they're communicating to you non-verbally, like, hey, everything okay here? Like, you know them. You know what they love. You know what they hate. You know what makes them happy. You know what makes them miserable.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
If you don't know these things about your partner, you know what their needs are. You know exactly what they need to feel loved. You know what they need to feel safe. You know what they need... to feel important. People get into relationships and they don't study each other and know each other.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I mean, the amount of times I've worked with couples where they didn't know what the other person needed. And yes, there is, again, paradox. We have to say what it is that we need. We can't expect mind. But we also have to be interested in what the other person needs. We have to be curious.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
OK, so the third tool is so those are the communication to learn the communication. It could be therapy. It could be couples work, you know, and maybe it's not maybe it's not the classic traditional couples work. Maybe you do some, I don't know, a tantra workshop together, you know, anything that's going to bond you in some way. So I think tools where you're doing some couples work together.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Maybe it's doing a workshop together. Maybe it's doing a trip together. Maybe it's anything that's going to deepen your bond and take it to another level. Really, really, really important.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. So you have to keep mastering them.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Uh-huh. Well, then you get what you tolerate in life. Then your relationship will be maybe good. If you want it, great. These are the things you got to do. It's really your choice. It's your choice. Our lives are based on the decisions that we make. No one, we're not guaranteed the relationship that we want. No one owes you a great relationship. It's based on the choices that we make.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You can be a great person who's also, you could be the perfect catch. You're not owed the relationship. You have to make the right choices to make a relationship strong and wonderful. And you think of that as too much work. I don't know. I'd be curious to know how they approach the rest of their lives if they think that way. You know it's a lot of work staying up at night arguing.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, you know it's a lot of work waking up in the morning anxious and feeling so disconnected from your partner. You know it's a lot of work trying to change your partner. You know it's a lot of work trying to be enough for your partner constantly because they don't ever acknowledge you. To me, that's exhausting. The other stuff, fun.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I am.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I don't have a scarcity mindset I have in the past. I don't anymore. It's like the older I get, the less fearful I become with scarcity.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, I just don't really think about it.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's really weird. And that's why I like to help women like not put so much energy into, I want you to want a relationship. I believe in relationships. I believe in partnership. I think overall we live longer if we're in a good relationship. But man, is your life going to be cut short if you're in a bad relationship? So I think, you know, but I really, really think that people need to
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You can want a relationship and still love your life, not in a relationship. And I think that's very, very important.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
then you can be careful because no one will lie to you more than yourself. So be careful that you're not lying to yourself when you're like, you know, I would like a relationship, but then you go into, oh, but it's that story of, oh, it's going to be too difficult. It's going to be so stressful. As long as, you know, You can say, I'm loving my life right now. I really don't need a relationship.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Or I just need little affairs here and there, like little adventures here and there. Just don't lie to yourself. If it's, you know what, someone coming in is just going to be exhausting and blah, blah, blah. And that's because you've associated relationships with pain because of your past. Then you're tethered to an old story that's actually controlling you.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And you are not really the conductor of your own life in that regard. But if it's truly authentic, then stay single.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I'll get to that in a moment. But you first said, like, what's my biggest fear? I think it's the same thing. Like, I was a yoga teacher for many years. And so I got hit on a lot, you know? Yeah, yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
As a teacher. Yeah. Yeah. As a teacher.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, it was just, there were crushes developed, right? Which is normal because I'm sort of like in a position like, you know, but again, the pedestal, I've been put on many, many pedestals, which when I was younger, I enjoyed because I thought that's great. Yeah. When I became wiser.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, exactly. But when you become wiser, you realize if you're on a pedestal, you're not being seen for who you are. You're being seen for who they want you to be. And so, you know, oh, she's a yogi. She's a teacher. She's got the glasses. I mean, it's the whole thing. It's like she's grounded. She has it together. And, like, yes, of course, like, all those things are true. And I'm also flawed.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And I've got trauma. And, like, I'm, like, really quirky. And, and, and, and, and, you know. So I guess my biggest fear as a relationship coach is a really amazing man being, I don't want being intimidated or thinking like, oh, she's a relationship coach. Like, what's that going to be like? Because who I am in a, like, I don't wear a relationship coach hat in my relationships.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
No, I'm not more. Yeah, exactly. I'm really messed up. I'm just Jillian, right? I'm Jillian, the partner, Jillian, the girlfriend, Jillian, the lover. Like I'm just not, I, I don't analyze the people who I'm in a relationship with at all. So I don't, I don't, I don't want to.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, for sure.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Totally. But I don't, but I don't want to be like, I want to be in a relationship with someone who has a few things to teach me and not the other way around. Yeah. Yeah. So that's my fear. So the kind of relationship that I want values, I mean,
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, my God, never. So here's something that I was saying yesterday that I think will speak to the value part, which is in the past, like in my ex-marriage, a lot of what inspired the writing of this book, There was a few incidents, but one that really is like etched in my brain that I go into detail in the book where there was his tendency would be to kind of shut down and kind of shut down.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Avoid. Avoid and shut down and just kind of like not tell me what was bothering him. So instead I had to guess it. And that was very much like my father. And because of that, there are just, and it would sometimes happen to a degree where it was really not nice. Really not nice.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
No, before the marriage. This was before.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because 90% of our relationship was great. 10% was very problematic. The 10% that was problematic was really big. And I was too afraid to look at it. Yeah, I learned a lot. Hence why I'm here, right? Yeah. If you can't tell me when you're upset with me or you're going through a hard time or you're just upset, you can't communicate on that base level. You don't have a shot with me.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I don't care how perfect it is for six months. You're gone.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You cannot do that. You can do it for two seconds and then immediately take responsibility because the shutting down and not being able to simply tell me what you're feeling is just not... It goes back to one of the three skills you talked about, the tools, learning how to communicate better.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That's emotional intelligence. That's totally fine. That's totally fine. You're communicating with me. You're in touch with what's going on in your body. You don't want to say anything that you would regret. You need some alone time to just regroup. I'm perfectly reassured that you're going to come back, that you're not running away. All good.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
What a lot of women do, and also some men do, would be like, no, we need to talk about it right now. They protest. You can't do that. You can't do that. No, no, no. That's a recipe. You can't do that. So that's something that you have to find. If that, for example, is causing you a lot of anxiety... You have to respect that because that's actually really good.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That's someone taking care of themselves and the relationship as well.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But I love you. I'm just triggered right now. I don't want to say something that I'm going to regret. I'm not shutting down. I promise. I just need a couple hours and then we will talk about it. Then that person who maybe is feeling like, oh my God, anxious, then they have to self-suit. Then they have to call a friend. They have to call a family member. This is really uncomfortable.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Please remind me that everything is okay. I need to breathe. I maybe have to go for a walk. I have to do something for me. Remember me, you. You have a life that actually has nothing to do. You have a life outside of this partnership. Go tend to it. go tend to, it's going to be really uncomfortable.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And it's going to, especially for the anxious person, it's going to be extremely counterintuitive, but you got to go do that because you have to keep reminding yourself that you are a whole person without this person and that they actually just communicated. They didn't do, you know, they didn't just disappear, which by the way, would make anyone anxious.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That's, that's very high risk, um, relationship behavior. But it's also high-risk relationship behavior to not allow the space when someone has been very reassuring to you.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
So you have to go then take care of yourself, work on a project, get your mind on something that is not just about the love and the partnership and something that reminds you in that moment of who you are and what your purpose is and the things that are meaningful to you. This is not easy. That's why the more wounded we are, the harder the work it is going to be in a relationship. It just is.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But I don't want that to discourage you. I wanted to just encourage you to do it and encourage you to choose partners who are going to be in it with you and to stop choosing the partner who's always rejecting you and who's just not right for you. That's driving you deeper and deeper into your own pathology and making you miserable.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Who you choose matters. It's like more than half the battle.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely. Who you spend your life with. Because the person who you spend your life with is going to have the greatest impact on your overall well-being. They just are. You can't, I mean, you become in many ways, you're two people, but you also in many ways become one.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely. It's who you spend the most time with.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yes. But then you also have to, you know, realize no one's response. Like your partner can make you smile and they should. You know, often your partner can make you laugh and I think they should often. And they can make you feel good a lot of the time and they should. But you knew there was a but. No one can fulfill you. No one single human being can fulfill you.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Fulfillment comes from various sources and various people who we interact with, but they can't actually fill that emptiness inside of you.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
No. Love is not enough because of love, because people rarely end their relationships because of a lack of love. They end because they don't feel seen. They end because they feel misunderstood. They end because of resentment. Lots of people break up and say, I love this person, but I can't seem to make it work out with them.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Love is not enough because eventually the clouds will come in and it will cover the sun of love. And what we are left with is, you know, can we communicate? Can we relate to each other? Can we understand each other? Can we collaborate? Can we repair? I think that love is often the fuel that makes us want to do all of that. But again, sometimes you're not feeling so in love with your partner.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And it often has nothing to do with them. We make the mistake that if I'm not feeling head over heels in this moment, that it's something in them. When really it's you. You're stressed out. You're feeling disconnected from yourself. You haven't gotten enough sleep. You're not eating well. It's you. And the ultimate form of self-awareness, relationally speaking, is...
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I understand that when I'm feeling off, the way that I see the world and the people in it, which includes my partner, is going to be a little bit skewed. Let me go reorient myself and get centered so that I can actually see people as they are.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Okay, so when someone is invested in you, like if you're starting to see someone, they actually are interested in you as a person. They want to know your story. They want to know the things that make you happy. They want to know the things that make you sad. And they are carving out space in their life for you. Versus someone who's always busy,
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
100%.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, you're off. You're off.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, you're a little unhappy.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You're like suffering a little bit. Yeah, yeah, not bad.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It does.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Even if one person is living in that space, yeah, it's very, it's stress. Let me tell you something. It's to get back to your tools, figure out a way to manage your stress. That's very, very important. Look, sometimes very stressful things happen in life. Like there are legit circumstances that are very difficult, like deaths and stuff and illness and money problems. But more times than not,
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's not what's the stress, it's how we're reacting to the stress. And people think that once their lives become less stressful, that their relationships would get better. When the truth is, once you start reacting to your stress differently, then your relationship will get better.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, that's very different. That's very different.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Resentment. Resentment, you know, which leads them to contempt. Resentment is really bad. And resentment comes because people, there's a couple of reasons. Either they're not speaking the truth, they're not telling the truth, and or their expectations are out of control. Like I expect my partner to just know how I'm feeling rather than for me to express what I'm feeling.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
They should just know if they really loved me.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's the worst. So resentment is a killer. Stress is a killer. It's not a little bit of stress. It's the, like you said, the consistently feeling off, stressed, overwhelmed, and not doing anything about it. Stress changes the way that you see things. It changes your biology. It changes everything. And so stress destroys relationships. So resentment, stress, and other killers of relationship.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I mean, taking each other for granted. Forgetting that your partner is a gift, not a given. The law of familiarity sets in. And we stop getting curious. And we think, oh, I don't have to put in the work. I don't have to show my appreciation. And so that is a huge killer. Because then people, we feel that, right? We don't feel as special anymore. We don't feel seen. We don't feel understood.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's a horrible feeling to feel like we're being taken for granted. Like you don't see the spark in me anymore. You know, you're not grateful for me. You're not appreciative of me.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
not really interested in getting to know you on a deeper level, not really wanting to know your story, not wanting to, not making time to spend time with you. You know, time is such a precious, precious, precious resource for all of us. And most of the time, you know, like if we're not making time for someone, we're not that interested.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, I'm sure.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
100%.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Taking each other for granted, yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Well, there's different reasons. So some people will start to sabotage because the relationship is progressing to a more emotionally intimate stage and they're scared. They're just very scared to get close to someone. They're afraid that they're not going to be enough. They're afraid they're going to be left.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
They're afraid they're going to, maybe they have very low self-worth and they think this person is going to see me for who I am and they're not going to like it and they're going to leave me. Everyone fears the loss of love. And so the sabotage is, let me end this, or let me provoke them to end it so that I don't have to look like the bad guy, or I don't have to get my feelings hurt.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
A lot of women... will test particularly their male partners. They do this same sex relationships too. But particularly their male partners, they'll test to see, do you really love me?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I think it's different.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
No, I think so for women, it's are you safe? It's really what most women are really looking for, particularly. Are you safe? So in other words, like, are you just going to drop me when you see that I'm not perfect? Because there's a lot of.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
cultural, particularly in this country, it's not in all countries, there's a lot of societal pressure on women to be perfect, to look perfect, to act perfect, to not rock the boat. And so if you see that actually, like, if you see my crazy, if you see that I'm flawed, And this is unconscious. Women aren't doing this consciously.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You know, I guess sometimes it's that someone really is busy. But anything that you really want, anything that you really want to know, anything that you really want to acquire, anything that you want to build something with, you're going to make the time. So it's investing time, it's investing energy, and someone really wanting to know you. They're asking questions.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I'm trying to help them to see that it's conscious and to not do that because it's not polite. We shouldn't be doing it, right? It's just not healthy. But we do that because on an unconscious level, because we want to see like, are you still going to love me? Are you still going to protect me when I'm not perfect?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Well, men don't have the pressure that women do to be perfect.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Perfect in different ways.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Well, that's emotionally intelligent. That's new.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That's new.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, trust me. It's a different level of perspective. Trust me. Every day I'm telling women, like, stop that. I mean, I'm a big advocate for men.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, 100%.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
This is more new, the emotional intelligence thing. That really is a new thing. I think that, you know, we're talking about something that's more historical. And men will test women all the time, but in different ways.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Ah, yeah, they will.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Men do that. But why don't you share? Because men do test women all the time. Why don't you share one way that men test women?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But in the past, when you were not as healthy?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But that's also just her.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I'm not defending the behavior. The behavior sucks. I'm just trying to explain the psychology behind it, right? And so unconsciously, it's, are you strong enough? Is there an out of control, rageful monster inside of you that I need to know about?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Not defending the behavior. I understand. But it's crazy to me.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's absurd. It's like- Without me having to actually find safety within myself and also without understanding that like, so we all need to feel safe in our relationship, but we can't provide safety for the person who we are in. Well, no, we can, but we can't if we don't, if we're not integrated.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Okay, so yes, that, but also I do believe that it is our responsibility in a relationship to provide safety for our partner.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
There's a limit, right? We can't just keep providing safety for someone who doesn't feel safe inside themselves. Yeah, you can't call someone every hour and say- But you can't ask for safety from the person who's not integrated. who's not connected to his or her own body. Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
They want to know about your childhood. They want to know about your hobbies. They want, it's not just, oh, let me vet you to see if you're the right person for me. It's like, I'm actually very interested in you. And that's, I mean, that's attraction. And when we're attracted to someone, we want to do that.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Right. So like you're trying to find safety from the person who has no control over their emotions at all. It's never going to happen.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
So work on yourself emotionally. And choose a partner who's doing the same.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And together.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's usually the other way.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Also, you're not a quitter, right? That's a big part. Is that a big part?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
We're testing each other a little bit all the time.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
At the start.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Listen, couples therapy is a lot more productive and effective when you go preventatively than when you go when things are already messed up.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I agree.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And then when we start to develop an emotional bond with someone, we want to know even more. And there are some people who are just not investing at the level that you are, you know, they're not putting in.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You were very afraid of their reaction.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yes. And part of actually for men, part of, them finding more strength within themselves is not to be so afraid of his partner's reaction, you know, and just to stay grounded in that conversation.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I know.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And it's been so long and you've been single and you haven't connected in so long. It's very, very hard.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I get it.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You should talk about that more often so that other people... Well, I tell my guy friends this.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because they're probably, they're following, well, what if it's bad? It's like, well, you know, then...
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
So another part of this is, so I was speaking a little bit more to like the beginning stages, but then when things get your, it's like, okay, you're in a really, you're quote unquote in a relationship. You're not taking the time to work on what needs to be worked on inside of yourself and in the relationship to make the relationship wonderful.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You have to like them.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. You have to like them. Friendship is a very important part of our long-term relationship.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I know.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It happens all the time.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It is exhausting. Absolutely. Look, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I mean, there's a lot of people who think, well, you know, how do I know if we're not having sex? But...
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
There's no guarantees.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You were testing the waters. You were testing to see like if this is a right match.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That's a non-starter. It's a non-starter.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, absolutely.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, it was a very bonding conversation.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Well, you just said something very important because one of the things that is a non-negotiable that I tell people is they have to be okay with your past. If they have any issue with it, whatever it was, they're not for you. Because you can't change the past. It's over. So if they're going to have a hang-up over something that you did in the past...
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
If you have a hang-up over something that they did in the past, then maybe they're just not for you. They're not the right fit. Yeah. They're not the right fit. They're not.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
No, no. You can't hold their past against someone.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I say it all and people are like, well, people need to grow. It's like, yes, well, that's sort of inevitable, but you need to really accept them for who they are now, not their potential.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And because it really, a relationship is something that is built and it's only as healthy as the two people are behaving in it. So you can't, I think that one of the biggest myths out there is, well, a relationship should just be easy. And I think that there's a fine line. You have to know where you draw the line when something is just too hard.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But you accept it.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But easy? First of all, if relationships were just easy, we would be really bored. We need a little friction. We need friction to grow. We need friction to learn more about ourselves and to learn more about the other person.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And so there are people who don't understand, lots of people, many, many people, because we're not really taught this unless we're modeled this by our parents, that your relationship is really dependent on what you put into it. It really is. And so if someone is not investing, They're not putting in the work to make it great. They're not going out of their way to be a great partner.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
They're not going out of their way to meet your needs. They're not going out of their way to communicate what their needs are. And, you know, maybe that person just thinks, well, I can be in the relationship and just coast. And that's very frustrating for someone whose understanding of relationship is, no, we got to put the work in.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And so you have one person who thinks a relationship should be easy. Another person whose belief system includes, no, a relationship is what we make of it. And then you got a recipe for a clash, you know? And so you can't build it with someone like that.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
How healthy they're behaving in it. Yeah, absolutely.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Let's see, let's take the whole hour, you know, right?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, wow, we got, these are two big subjects. Okay, so here's a reality to life and love. When we start seeing someone and we're attracted to them and they're attracted to us and we're excited about them, We want to seduce them.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And this isn't necessarily, sure there are the people out there who are manipulative and they're gonna do all these games and they're wearing a thick mask and then when the mask comes off, they're a real son of a and they're really, really mean. Those people exist and they're incredibly toxic. But let's just talk about all the rest of us, right?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
So we put our best foot forward because we're trying to, we're marketing. We're in sales and marketing. It's like, how can I present myself to be the best person I can be? And a lot of times, unless it's someone very manipulative, A lot of times the person who we are in the beginning is actually who we are when we are unburdened by stress, monotony, negative moods.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Sometimes it really is our highest self in the beginning. And sometimes it's just like, okay, maybe you're not being as authentic as you need to be. So we do that in the beginning because we want to, it's, it's marketing and sales and we're trying to seduce.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
We want to close the deal and everyone is doing it, whether they're conscious of it or not. It's not that there's no place for that because it's, that's going to happen because oftentimes, because when we're attracted to someone, we're also really excited, right? And we're happy, but it's also important to have really important conversations of, Hey, This is something that I struggle with.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Whether it be like, you know, I get really anxious sometimes. Or sometimes, and I'm working on it, but sometimes I can get depressed. And this is what's going on when I am depressed. This is the support system that I have. But I want you to know that this is something that sometimes rears its head. Like the more real we can be with people in the beginning, the better.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
So I think I answered the first question, didn't I?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But what happens is that, let me go a little further, the masks come off and then we get comfortable. And it's almost like our partner becomes like a family member. And we think, oh, they'll love me anyway. I mean, here's the thing. It's a paradox. On the one hand, you want your partner to see you at your worst and still love you. And you want to see them at their worst and be like, you know what?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
If this is your worst, I love you. On the other hand... There is great value in continuing to be polite. and to be kind and to really do your best to put your best foot forward every day for yourself and for your partner.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But it's an unrealist expectation that you're always gonna be that because we're human beings and we're complicated and we have negative emotions and sadness and anger, these are all part of life. But where are you living emotionally? That's really what's important. What are you bringing consistently to the table? It's the consistency.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Why do people stay in relationships if they're not being treated well? Is that what you asked? Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Let's talk about six months in. Sometimes these red flags, and I put that in quotation marks, do only come up about six months in. And it's very difficult because six months in, if you really like someone, the attachment is there. You're already entangled.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's really hard to disconnect. And people, it can be very disorienting. We get, and then we have, you know, even three months of bliss, three to six months of bliss. We now are part, we're living out a dream. We're living out a fantasy of what this could be.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And amazing it's been. And now I don't have to go out into the dating world. And now I can actually build this. And so it's devastating in its own way, in its own right. When six months in, all of a sudden this person is really nothing like who you thought they were.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's actually devastating. But you got to be really strong. And if it's... It's one thing if it's like, oh... They're in a bad mood. Maybe they're a little bit cranky. Or maybe you notice something that's a little red flaggy. Then you sit down with them. You don't just say, I'm out. You sit down with them. You say, this is something that concerned me. Can we talk about it?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And then it's in that conversation or their willingness to have that conversation that really you're getting to see if they are someone who you can build with. And you are someone who is ready to build. Because it's all in that conversation. Because there's going to be things that are going to come up.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because one of the biggest mistakes that people make, I think everyone, if they're honest with themselves, have been guilty of this, is... Many of us on an unconscious level have a blueprint of the kind of relationship we want and the blueprint of the kind of partner we want.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
You're supposed to argue because you have to sometimes be very reminded of the fact that you are not in a relationship with – someone who, a projection of your ideal. You are in a relationship with an autonomous person who has their own beliefs and their own mind. And sometimes they're stubborn and sometimes you're stubborn. And that creates, that creates chemistry, by the way.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
A little bit of arguing creates, can create a little bit of chemistry because you're, again, you're reminded like, oh, like I can't control this person. You know, like they are their own person. Sure. So love and the understanding of love, I think it's something that we all have to learn, you know, that it is a choice and that lust, there's no choice in lust.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Lust is a very out of control, fun feeling. But you're not choosing to lust over someone. It's like it's taken over you. and a lot of people confuse the two.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
No, it's a sign of a person with a beating heart. What's a sign of an immature person is someone who thinks that lust is love. And that's not to put anyone down. It's just, we're all in that, we're all- They believe that the same thing. We're in it together to grow and to deepen our understanding of what it is to love ourselves and love another human being.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Like we're all in it together trying to learn this. Immature person. thinks that is so attached to the lust part of getting to know someone.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
The feeling part. Exactly. And not the practice part.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
How can I love this person more? How can I transcend my ego right now when I just want to walk away when really what I have to do is the more loving thing to do? Because sometimes To make a relationship work, I believe one of the things that's really important is that you have to be in service of the relationship.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
So sometimes you have to do what's best for the relationship, even if it means having a very uncomfortable conversation. You have to care so much about the relationship that you have with this person that you're willing to like do something that might not be that comfortable. That's love, right? Again, paradox, gray area, tons of it, not binary, you know?
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
But what I say is, like, sometimes you just have to... Sometimes fighting for love is not fighting for a relationship that's wrong. It's showing up as the person you want to be in a relationship.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Tony Robbins.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes. It's exactly true. In the beginning, we're marketing, we're sales, we're not taking each other for granted. So last, you know, I have many stories in the book of people just being like, Love this person. This person is for me. They never had a difficult conversation. They don't even know what each other's needs are.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
They're not even trying to meet each other's needs, but they're so obsessive about the other person. They think this person must be the one. No, they're still a stranger. But what's happening is that you are being so, yes, and there's a spectrum. Are there wounded people who get so enveloped by the lust stage and they can't see past it? For sure. But it's a spectrum.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Okay, so one way that men will test women. Let me give her the hardest truth about myself in a way that's really, really harsh, and let's see if she reacts. As opposed to sometimes there's certain truths that we need to share and we have to do it in a way that's somewhat artful. So there's a soft landing. So let me do it really, really harsh. See if she has any reaction.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
She's not for me, then bye-bye. That's one way they meant it. Yeah.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
I'm actually not relating it to you, but your story reminded me of something.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
I know, because you wanted to be enough.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Oh, The Gottmans.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, very much so. Listen, I didn't tell the truth either. You know, that was a very, very big part of my pain in relationships. Yeah, I mean, all of these truths are both based on my professional and personal experience.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
There was a lot. The truth of how I felt about things. The truth about my concerns over certain things. The truth about what was really painful for me. The truth about my trauma. The truth about how something made me feel.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
You know, it's interesting. I think that I felt very vulnerable in that relationship, but I don't think that I was truly very vulnerable.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, I felt, and I think a lot of people aren't vulnerable because they feel too vulnerable. Like they feel too scared, right? And so I don't think I was very vulnerable. And also I didn't take a stand when I needed to take a stand.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
I didn't have the strong enough boundaries. Absolutely not. I didn't want to rock the boat because I didn't want to be left. I didn't want the relationship to end. And you have to be willing to rock the boat.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
You have to be willing to ask the questions that scare you and listen to the answers that scare you even more because for a relationship to be worth keeping, you have to risk losing it sometimes. Like sometimes it gets to that point where it's like, I have to risk this not working out because if I don't, then I'm just staying in something and putting a bandaid over it.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
But I've worked with many couples where they were married for years and they just weren't telling the truth. Again, they didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. It was too vulnerable. They didn't know how to have these conversations. And once they started really telling the truth to each other, that's when they were able to heal.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely. The truth is really important. Like the important truth. Like this is how I feel. Like sometimes it's a really direct truth. I love you. But if these two things don't change, I don't know how to be in a relationship with you. Like sometimes it'll get to that point.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
But sometimes things come up. Sometimes things come up, people change, things happen, and you have to be willing, you know, things can come up.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Well, you just have to be aware of the fact that sometimes things come up.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, of course. So it's... There were a lot of lies in my marriage.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
I mean, we had some conversations. I don't want to make it out like it was like... Yeah, yeah.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
They were trying to be deeper, but they were like... I mean, we would talk about... I mean, we were... It was immaturity. It was wounds. It was like lack of self... I mean, I thought I was like this incredibly self-aware person getting... And I learned so much.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Also, because I had... You know, yes, I'd had an abusive relationship, but the relationships beforehand, like I'd been in a very long-term relationship that was beautiful and lovely and respectful and... Healthy.
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
I was too young. I was too young. And, you know, we, the relationship, because I didn't know anything really about relationships. We were just, we were just really good to each other, but it became more of like a friendship. It was just sort of like, it became more like, you know, friendship. Yeah.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Like wrong, right person, wrong time.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
I often think that wrong time, wrong person. Again, I'm not God. I don't have all the answers. No one does. Are there people who maybe met each other, it was the wrong time, and then they met each other again, and they got married, and everything's great? I'm sure that exists. More times than not, oftentimes it's not a timing thing. It's really something else.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
But we get caught in the fantasy of what it could have been. And, you know, who's not to say that maybe you would get together and it was the right time and then it would just fall apart a year later. You just never know. And yes, to echo your point, having these telling the truth, having these really important conversations beforehand is
The School of Greatness
9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Even if like your adrenaline and is going off in your body and your palms are sweating, like you have to have these conversations. They are so incredibly important and I know that they're scary. I don't want to have them either, but they are the game changer. So you have to tell the truth. You have to tell the truth.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And a lot of people who are afraid that they're not enough, they go into pleasing. They're afraid that they're going to be abandoned. Sometimes it's facing the truth of who someone is and what their relationship is. And we don't want to face the truth. So we have to tell the truth. We have to face the truth. It is always, always going to be easier in the long run.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
What my dream would be. You know, Jeannie Nabata was like, what would be your wish for these women? It would be, okay, cool. On to the next.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
It's so hard for people to do that because you thought you met someone and your love is a completely irrational feeling. It's not rational. You know, we met someone, we like them. You compound that maybe for that woman. She's in her childbearing years. Her clock is ticking. She wants to build a family. That's like, that's her dream. And she meets someone, it's great.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And then all of a sudden, it's like, wait, what did I do? You didn't choose me? Like, what's going on? Often in those scenarios, people put their eggs in one basket a little bit too soon. And they think the person is just great. And part of, you know, part of what we have to do in the beginning, this is so hard. Everything I'm saying is easier said than done. Nonetheless, it needs to be done.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
What's so hard is we have to kind of when we meet someone, we're excited about them. I don't I don't want to rain. I don't want anyone to rain on anyone else's parade. But process your enthusiasm. Have a conversation with yourself like, well, this feels really good. This feels really promising. I feel really excited. So you're connecting with what you feel emotionally.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And then say, and I also know that this could also not turn out to be anything. And instead of me getting attached to the outcome, I'm going to really enjoy this feeling that I'm feeling right now, but I'm going to use some discernment here because I still, I don't know this person's character. I understand I have the wisdom and I've been learning from all the relationship experts here and there.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
I understand that it takes time to really get to know someone. It takes time to see if we're in alignment. So I'm excited to learn more. And that's sort of what we have to start talking, how we have to talk to ourselves, right? If someone is just not interested in you, one of the things that make us very resilient in life is the ability to accept that rejection.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And that rejection is a part of life. And that we are not going to be for everyone. This is in work, professionally, business, personally. We're just not for everyone. How boring, right? And if we were for everyone, then we're chameleons. And we're trying to be for everyone. So... The worst thing you can do, and this is what people do and what I talk about a lot, oh, you're not choosing me?
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Let me do something to get chosen. Let me change myself. Let me not tell the truth because I think I love this person, but really what I feel is just some lust and I'm attached to some fantasy of what could be because I just don't want to be alone anymore and I'm really deep down very afraid of being alone and very afraid of not having children. All these things you don't have to be ashamed about.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
These are real legitimate fears. Get in touch with them. Befriend them. Understand what you're going through emotionally and stop strategizing to get some Joe Schmo who you don't even know who probably is not right for you. In fact, definitely isn't because they're not choosing you to choose you. Go for someone else.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Never. And that's also in a relationship. You know, I spent two years trying to convince my husband to love me. Really? I felt that way. Yeah, it was more subtle. You know, there were just things that he was pulling back, right? So I was just like, what can I do differently? How can I, what lie can I tell? Not an overt lie, but like what truth can I withhold?
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, exactly. And it was subtle. It wasn't every moment of every day, but it was there. It was there.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
It feels like a self-betrayal. It feels like you are abandoning yourself. What I would like for people to do, and I know this is much easier said than done, and obviously if it's an involved relationship like a marriage, It's a journey and it's a process. You don't just wake up one day and say, okay, I let go. Letting go is a process.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
But ultimately where I want people to arrive to is if you think that your happiness is somewhere else, I'm not standing in the way of that. I'm not standing, because you could convince someone short term to stay, but you will always know that you are holding them hostage emotionally in some way and it'll never, it'll feel terrible.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
It's very, very complicated, Lewis.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
It's very complicated, Louis. It's like, you know, sometimes it's like maybe your partner's going through a mental health crisis. And so they're pulling away. So you're like, I'm going to fight for this because what we have is so special.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes. And you're like, I'm going to fight for this. I know that they're pulling. It's complicated, you know. And knowing when to stay or to go, these can be very hard to decipher. But ultimately... You know, I talk about choosing yourself and that really, it's got nothing to do with the other person. It's really about understanding, like, what is the life that I must lead?
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Like how, when has it been enough? What has the line been across to the intolerable? And like, so knowing, and sometimes you don't have to, sometimes you don't know until you're actually in it. But I do think a secret weapon to dating is really having a clear understanding of what's, what is the intolerable for you and tolerate the rest.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes, exactly. Well, that person then needs help with a coach or a therapist to get them to understand what actually is intolerable.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, an intervention. Exactly. Correct.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Well, there was a massive red flag that I outlined in the book, and there's a couple more. What I could have done differently was paid attention to those red flags and said, you know, I mean... We have a lot of fun together. We're very compatible. We are, in some ways, like two peas in a pod. There's a lot of chemistry, but... But lust is not love. But lust is not love.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And what just happened was something that I just can't ignore.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
So that was something. Being more honest, having some more kind of sit-down, honest conversations about things... But I just didn't have the tools and the maturity to do it.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Some people don't have it in their 40s, honestly.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. A sad thing that I see a lot in the comment section is a lot of people are just saying, well, there's just no point in being in a relationship or relationship sucks or I'm never going to be loved again. It's like, oh, I just want to give that person a hug and just say to them, like, you know, don't you see this is like, that's not the answer. That's just your fear. That's just your sadness.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Draining your energy everywhere.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely. Regardless of your relationship status. Exactly. A hundred percent.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
A hundred percent.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And again, I just want to reiterate, it's just, it's not, it's not perfection. It's not perfectly healed. It's just, it's telling the truth. It's being honest about who you are and what you want and seeing if the two of you have what it takes to build something together and to raise your standards of free, raised your standards of yourself and of another person.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes. No. You know... We can say, we can get really clear about what we want in a partner. We can know exactly the kind of relationship we want, the values, all of that. But if we're not willing to search deep inside ourselves to discover the ways in which we have to show up in order for that relationship to be possible, we are not going to be any closer to the relationship we want.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, that's going to be an interesting one for people to read.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
So one thing that I explain in that chapter is just because I want to put it out there. I don't believe that you have to forgive a parent that abused you or sexually abused you or anything like that. So I don't think, yes, you have to reach some level of peace with your past and work through therapy.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
So I do put a disclaimer in there that I do think that there are certain circumstances where I do not... I don't, you know, I think people who overcome that kind of thing, like those are the heroes to me. Those are not survivors to me. They're heroes. And when I work with people like that who've gone through something like that, I try to help them see the hero in themselves, not just the survivor.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
But I never, ever, ever suggest like, you know, reconnect with this person.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
It's horrendous.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Or if it's the family friend, but then your family did not protect you.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
To feel more whole, to feel more integrated.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. Well, cause so let's put that aside. Most people are actually just pissed off at their parents or have a troubling relationship with a parent. There's no abuse, but there's a troubling relationship. There's stuff there. And our parents, Our relationships with our parents in childhood, they show up in our adulthood. Most people will marry their mother or their father.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And sometimes it's not a bad thing. It's not like they're really like the good parts or like you have a great relationship with them. But oftentimes when people are not doing the self-awareness work, they end up marrying like the parent with whom they struggled the most.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes. Well, there's, again, whoever really figures this out will get the Nobel Peace Prize. But the various theories in the psychology world is that one is trying to then replay and rehash a scenario so that the unconscious is trying to heal it. Why it ever really happens, I mean, that sounds like a good theory to me, but, you know, we're all very much a mystery still, right? Yeah.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
So I had a very complicated relationship with my father, a very troubling relationship with my father. He recently passed away. He was a very famous psychiatrist in his field, wrote a book called The Difficult Child, and that was based on me.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And yes.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
He wrote it in the 80s.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Very complicated.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes, and the difficult child syndrome. So like that, yeah, so that did a number on me for sure. But it's all good. But my father was a very brilliant man, a very brilliant mind, but suffered from severe mental illness. So he was a great psychiatrist, but he had severe bipolar disorder, like the very extreme kind.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, and he also was a narcissist in the true sense of the word, not in the way that it's thrown around all the way. He was truly a narcissist, diagnosed. And so he wasn't diagnosed when I was a child. And because he was a psychiatrist, unlike a psychologist is an MD. They go through medical school. So he just self-prescribed all these different medications. And he drank.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And so he was a ticking time bomb. And my mom, my mom was an amazing mom, which is no fault of her own. But what she modeled to me was being an American, like having no self-worth.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
I mean, she was raised, you know, in like the 50s and 60s in South Africa. She's not an American, you know, like a very different culture and time and about women. And so it's all different. So... She's in a relationship where there was a lot of emotional abuse, a lot of emotional abuse, a little bit of physical abuse. And my father, I was very afraid of him.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
He never laid a hand on me, but he was, you never knew what mood he was in.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Never. So two siblings can grow up in the same home but have a very different childhood. I was a very, very sensitive child. I picked up on everything. And I think that maybe also when I was born, their marriage was like particularly bad. So I learned hypervigilance. I learned how to walk on eggshells.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
I learned, I was just, when they announced that they were getting separated and he was moving out, I was relieved and happy. Most kids are very upset when their parents are divorced. I rejoiced.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
You too.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
There you go.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes. There you go. And so, because I found him very scary. He had a very dark energy. And so most of my life, even to my young adulthood, I was just avoiding him. So I was like the classic avoidant in my relationship with my father. And, um,
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And what happened was because I didn't know, I was so afraid of him, and I didn't know how to assert myself, and I didn't know how to have boundaries with him, and I didn't have that sense of self, he did something that really pissed me off when I was 21 years old. I had just graduated college, and I made a decision to never answer his phone again, call again. So I ghosted my father.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Almost 15 years.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And so I know firsthand the impact of estrangement. And I thought, well, if he if I just don't and my mom hated him so that, you know, she didn't even try to encourage any sort of relationship. I thought if I just if he just wasn't in my life and I didn't have to deal with him, I would be OK.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
But little did I realize that the impact of estrangement is actually quite profound and it's and it's very unhealthy.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And even though there was a lot of manipulation and narcissism, you know, it's one thing The healthy thing to do is to learn how to relate to him differently with some boundaries. What I did was not the thing that was healthy for me. It was survival, but what I'm trying to convey is that it was not without serious consequences.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And it's not like not having him in his life, in my life, it didn't eradicate the impact of what it would have on my relationships. So I ghosted him, but I was just haunted by his ghost. Wow. And so part of me going through that relationship with my husband and my mother dying and having to really grow up, I had to... For me growing up was, you don't have to be afraid of this man anymore.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
He can't harm you. You're not a little girl anymore who can't defend herself against dad. You have a voice and you can use it and you can have boundaries. And so I swung in the opposite direction and then was like, it was all ego. And I explained this book, all ego, like you can't. And the book is very little about me and a lot about more other people. But this part, I do talk about me. I...
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
was like, you can't talk to me like that, like that kind of stuff. And then I realized, okay, now I swung in the other direction. Where can I come into the middle? And it was around the time that he was really old. And I started, and he apologized about the book. And I started to think, you know, I don't have to be afraid of him anymore. Maybe... Maybe I can know what it's like to forgive.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And maybe I can start to see that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and there are certain wonderful things about him that I actually inherited. Wow. And then when he died, I got to heal that even more. And so that's part of it. That's a long story, but yeah, that's part of it.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
So making peace. And for some people, it's just... making peace with the fact that they wanted you to be a doctor, but you're really an artist and that you can still be an artist and your parent can maybe still love you, you know, and you can have these difficult conversations with your parents if you're able to.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. So it's JillianTerecki.com slash book. And it's all there.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
No, definitely not. I mean, I think we need to define broken, but one of the most valuable things that we can bring to a relationship is a sense of self. And that does not mean that you love everything about you. It just means that you have an idea of who you are and who you want to be and that you have a belief that
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
That ex that you're crying over is not as amazing as you think they are. Find something that lights you up and put your energy into it. It could be small. It can be big. Anything that gives your life meaning, you're not going to be happy all the time. But as long as you have something that feels meaningful to you, it's going to make feel life worth it. And then three, call your mom.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
call your dad, call your dad, call your mom, call your partner, like tell them how much they mean to you. Don't, don't put that off because I lost both my parents. I lost my step-parent and I don't live in the regret. I really do. I practice a lot of self-forgiveness and I know that my mom would really not like it if I was like obsessing over this.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
But there's so many times that I wish that I had said certain things that I didn't say. And you don't get that other chance once they die. So Colin, not really profound today, but that's what came to my mind.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
It is something that when you give, it makes you a better person. And when you receive it, it makes you stronger.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
In spite of the fact that you are not perfect and there are parts of you that are difficult, because everyone has difficult parts, you are still intrinsically worthy of being loved. And I think that we would do ourselves all a big service if we just were just upfront about the ways that we were difficult. Like, hey, this is how I'm difficult. This is what you're going to have to live with.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Very upfront. So to people who have no sense of self, here's what I prefer to kind of frame it. If you believe that another person is responsible for your happiness, if you believe that, you know, Eric Fromm said this perfectly and I'm paraphrasing here. You want to need someone because you love them, not love them because you need them.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
The quote unquote broken person is looking for someone to fill up that emptiness inside of them. They don't know who they are. They don't have any sense really of themselves. They don't have any meaning in their life. And so they're looking for love in all the wrong people because that's typically what happens.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And they're looking for love in all the wrong people and they're looking for someone to fill them up. They're looking for someone because they don't know how to fulfill their own needs. They don't know how to have some meaning in life.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And that doesn't mean that person can actually be sad and unhappy sometimes, but they have a sense of meaning in their life and a sense of purpose in their life, whatever that is. And so people who are broken have no... They have no idea what gives their lives meaning. They are very divorced from their bodies. They're not connected to their body. Maybe there's just a lot of trauma there.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Maybe there's just a lot of anxiety there. Maybe there's just a lot of, well, I've been taught that another person is supposed to complete me. So I haven't been spending time developing my self with a capital S because that's what another person is supposed to do. So trauma plays a big role, but also belief system plays a really big role in that. So you have one person.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
even one person, two people getting in a relationship like that, what you're going to find is what is actually a codependent relationship, or it's going to be very unhappy with their, they're going to be fighting all the time because they're not, they're going to be trying to change each other and they're going to be trying to be enough for each other. Like I said, change each other.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And so, no, that is not going to be a healthy relationship. You have to bring some sense of self, even if you're 21 years old, you know, just some, and the thing is, we're meant to get it wrong. We're, you know, we're meant to have some like messed up experiences. How are we going to learn? But yeah, a sense of self, like this is who I am. This is what I want. This is what I struggle with still.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
This is, this is what makes me kind of difficult. This is what makes me insecure. These are things that I'm working on, but, but I also, in spite of the ambivalence that I have towards parts of myself, I still kind of like me.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Well, I don't like to speak in such black and white thinking, binary thinking, because have I known people who really struggle to love themselves, find someone who loves them unconditionally? Yeah, I've seen that. I've seen that. And I've seen that in people.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And those people just had some intelligence inside of them that was saying to them, choose the person who's going to love you unconditionally versus what happens more of the time. Choose the person who's going to treat you in such a way that it reinforces your belief that you are not enough.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
That's more common. But it is possible.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Probably the first one's going to be more challenging. Because the most important thing is that you're being treated well in a relationship, regardless of where your self-worth is. You're treating someone well and they're treating you well. If there's any scenario where someone is not being respectful, that's always the worst scenario in my view.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
I know.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
But I did.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely. All those things are true and can happen. But I have spoken. I remember I did speak to one woman and she said, you know, I'm just really lucky that he loves me.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
When I dug a little bit deeper, there were things about herself that she actually liked, but she did struggle.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, I know, but at least she appreciated him.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
But she loved him very much for loving her.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And I think that that's better than the other.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
It's better than the alternative. And she wasn't trying to sabotage or anything like that, you know?
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
With other people. It could be plural.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
A lot of those people that you just described have really good friends. And so they know what it is to be loved through their friendships. Different story when it comes to romantic relationships. Hang around people where there's a lot of love. Hang around couples where there's a lot of love. I don't know, watch it in a movie even if you have to. Honestly.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And also because every person that we come into contact with on a regular basis and even not on a regular basis is a mirror reflecting back to you. If you develop friendships and community, maybe you give back, maybe you volunteer somewhere and then you build community that way.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
You are actually learning about your self-worth and you're learning about yourself through these friendships and community that you've built. And that gives you a stronger sense of self. And when you get that stronger sense of self, then you start to, you know, people start to respond to you and you develop these things and then you start these connections and then you see, oh, I am worthy. I am.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Like I do this. I do that. I do have a life. I am doing things for myself. I am worthy. And then with a bit of luck, that person has read my book and followed my work and they realize that if they choose the person who sees the beauty in them rather than the person who is reinforcing some old belief.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Because it's also in the choice.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Yes. So I think that love is one of the hardest things to define. It's very undefinable in many ways. And it's something that... And I don't have all the answers. No one does. This is like... Philosophers have been theorizing on this for centuries. But what I do know is that two things. The love that you feel when you're falling in love with someone is love, but it's not the same as two years in.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
So the meaning, love changes. Love and the meaning that we assign to it changes. It morphs. It deepens. And love, to me, is not just a feeling. It's a choice. It's a habit. It's an intentional practice. And I think that when we truly love someone, my understanding is we really want the best for them. Like their needs are actually as important as our needs.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Not more important, but not less important. We want them, we really, like their best interests are our best interests. Like we really take their best interests to heart. We want the very, very best for them, even if that means not being in a relationship with them.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
Lust is all the things that we feel when there's a lot of chemistry and we feel a little obsessive and there's a lot of novelty and we can't stop thinking about them. And we're like, we feel like... We feel crazy. That crazy in love feeling is not love. That is lust.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And I think that a lot of people make these big decisions like let's move in together or like this person is the one for me when really you are drunk. And you're drunk off of the chemicals in your body.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
You don't know the person. They are a stranger.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And actually a true emotional connection actually takes time to build with someone. Like you can feel that. Like I'm sure after that first conversation, deep conversation that you had with Martha, you felt it. But I would even argue that that's like... That was still very much lust and attraction. Like a true emotional connection happens when you feel safe with someone, there's trust.
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9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki
And that, it's the foundation. It's knowing that an argument is not going to end your relationship. When you feel safe enough to argue with your partner, then you are – I would say that is a very good measure of a good relationship. Sure. That you know that that's not – it doesn't mean that it's going to blow up. It's an argument. And you know what?
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und was passiert und was passiert, und ich weiß, dass das eine sehr tabue Wörter ist, aber ich will es normalisieren, weil wir haben, dass wir das in uns selbst erkennen können. Es ist wie das, das, das übergewichtige um geliebt zu werden und in einer Beziehung zu sein, kann so einschränkend sein, dass es uns zutrifft, jemanden zu sehen, der nicht so groß ist und nicht so groß für uns ist.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und so musst du diese Leute schnell entfernen. Und du kannst Chemie nicht mit jemandem fordern. But I will say that it's possible for it to grow. And so I always say, give it about five dates and not five dates of just going out for dinner. Include some dates where you do something fun together. Include some dates with some friends.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Include some dates, maybe even a family member, so you start to see who the person is. How they interact with their world. Because sex appeal can really, like, it can light up. It can just turn on like a switch when we're seeing someone within a certain context versus just us talking together like this, you know, over a drink. Right. Yeah.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
No one can actually rescue you from yourself. Your problems are still your problems. Your journey is still your journey. And the thing is, is that this is one you don't want to miss.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Das konstante Texten mit einem Fremden. Also, wenn du jemanden kennst, aber sagen wir, du kennst ihn auf einer Dating-App, aber du gehst nicht wirklich auf eine Date mit ihm, du textest zurück und forth, oder vielleicht hast du ein paar Dates gemacht und dann spendest du den ganzen Tag, textest zurück und forth mit dieser Person.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
anstatt auf den Telefon zu kommen, anstatt zu treffen oder anstatt einfach dein Leben zu leben. Und wenn du deinen nächsten Tag hast, hast du deinen nächsten Tag. Das ist wirklich, und du weißt, das ist der Wachstum der Technologie und so weiter. Aber das ist ein großer Wachstum. Und es gibt uns einen falschen Sinn für Intimität.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Du denkst, du kreierst eine Verbindung mit der Person, weil du ständig textest. When really what's happening, and I understand it can be fun, but what's really happening is that you are beholden to these dopamine hits throughout the day. Like when they're going to text and you're texting back and all of this. And it's just a bit childish.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
And I think that what's so important is that when you enter the dating world, you have to... None of us are fully whole. We're not completely whole beings, fully healed beings. But we do have to have... We have to have a life and we have to make sure that our life is sacred to us and important to us and that we don't make a stranger so important.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
You know, and that's, I think, what people do too often. And it's a big mistake.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Ja, das ist eine der Gründe, warum ich das Buch geschrieben habe. Es gibt ein ganzes Kapitel dazu. Es gibt niemanden, der... Lassen Sie mich zurückgehen. Die quote-unquote richtige Person für Sie. Sie unterstützen einander. Sie sind die größten Begeister der anderen. Sie haben die Beine der anderen. Es gibt eine echte Freundschaft. Liebe kann unglaublich heilig sein.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Aber niemand kann eigentlich dich von dir selbst retten. Deine Probleme sind immer noch deine Probleme. Deine Reise ist immer noch deine Reise. Und das ist das Ding, dass wenn wir diesen Gedanken haben, einen unbewussten Glauben, dass mit der richtigen Person alle unsere Probleme weggehen werden, was das tut, ist, Niedernis zu erschaffen.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Denn Neid ist, wenn wir auf unseren Partner verlassen, um uns glücklich zu machen, anstatt unsere Beziehung dazu zu erwarten, uns glücklich zu machen. Warum sind wir in einer Beziehung mit jemandem? who doesn't add value to your life and you don't add value to theirs. But no one is responsible for your happiness or your security.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
They can only add to that which you have already cultivated yourself.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Yes, so I think you want to strategically hit it from all places. So I would try dating apps and learn how to create a good profile and make sure that you have some boundaries around it so you're not doom scrolling all day and swiping all day, you know, I mean... Das Wichtigste an der Technologie ist, dass die Technologie uns nicht beschädigt hat.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Die Technologie hat unsere Schwierigkeiten erklärt. Und unsere größte Schwierigkeit als Menschen ist, dass wir sehr... Wir sind... Wir sind leicht verabredet.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
We just are, you know? And we're always looking for a way to escape our suffering. So you have to have some boundaries around that. I would also take yourself out for dinner alone, sit at the bar somewhere and make friends with people. This isn't about meeting the person who you're going to date. This is about meeting people who might know the person you're going to date.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
So for the people who are... not knowing where to start, you're not going to find them sitting on your couch. Your favorite character on Netflix isn't going to come through the television and start dating you. You have to actually get that out there. You could also do something that sort of meets all of your needs. So you could, I don't know,
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
contribute to a non-profit or join some sort of community where you're meeting like-minded people and it's interesting and it's interesting work for you and also you're opening up your world. So in other words, if you really want a relationship, you have two choices, just really three. One is do nothing and just live your life und sehen, was passiert, wenn man sich nicht überrascht fühlt.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Oder man muss es so behandeln, Anything else that you really wanted in your life. Because when we really want something, we figure out a way. And we try lots of different things. And we don't get discouraged when things don't happen quickly. So you have to treat it like that. And you can always do a combination of the two.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Also ich gebe nur einige Beispiele. Also für Menschen, die verabredet sind, wie vielleicht du diese Erfahrung hattest, wo du verabschiedest dich mit jemandem und du fühlst, dass die Gefühle nicht im Balance sind, dass du mehr in ihnen bist, als sie in dich sind. Du erfährst also Wege, in denen du mehr von ihnen akzeptiert oder gewählt werden kannst. Viele Frauen, was der größte Fehler ist,
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Women tend to, because we've been so conditioned, oh, if I just give more, then he or she is going to be more interested in me. And it's like, no, no, no, actually they're going to be turned off, which is so interesting. Because you're giving more when you're not being given to. So a lot of women will just give more or try to be cool or try to be different.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Ja, ich glaube wirklich, dass unsere Beziehungen unsere Leben definieren. Für die Person, die immer nach einer Beziehung sucht, oder sie ist schmerzhaft oder innerlich, was auch immer ihr Beziehungsstatus ist, wenn man nicht glücklich ist mit der Qualität deiner romantischen Beziehung, ist das alles umfassend.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
They'll just try to figure out, how can I get this person to like me? So that is one way that we do it. And then in relationships, it's like... You know, there's a difference between fighting for your relationship and fighting to be enough for the person who you are in a relationship with. Yeah. And...
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Für jemanden, der in der Position ist, in der er fühlt, dass er nur genug kämpft, kämpft, um geliebt zu werden. Der Weg, das zu stoppen, ist, über deine Boundaries zu sprechen und über das zu sprechen, was du brauchst und den Verlust der Beziehung zu riskieren. Because there is no other way.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
You have to actually stand, you gotta change the dynamic where you're not doing that anymore and instead you have to stand up for yourself and face the consequences of it ending, which is gonna be much easier on you than to continue this hamster wheel of trying to be enough for the person who keeps distancing themselves from you.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und so könnten wir eine tolle Karriere haben, wir könnten das Geld haben, was wir wollen, wir könnten unsere physische Gesundheit haben. Aber wie die physische Gesundheit, wenn wir nicht unsere physische Gesundheit haben oder eine romantische Beziehung ist, wir werden sehr, sehr gestresst aufwachen. Alles wird in unseren Leben weg. Und so ist der Power, den eine Beziehung hat, tief.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
And that's why we have to be the co-creators of a relationship. We have to make it great. But a bad relationship, and when I put bad in quotation marks, a bad relationship is, you know, one or both people feel totally unseen, unheard. You're not nice to each other. There's just tons of fighting.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Of course, on the far end of the spectrum, there's abuse, but it doesn't even have to be abusive for it to be bad. die Qualität deines Lebens zu reduzieren, so viel wie das.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und deshalb wollte ich meine Perspektive darüber teilen, in einer Art, die ich nicht genug gehört habe.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Also ist es wirklich besser, einzigartig zu sein und dein Leben zu lieben und nicht zu haben, sich über jemanden zu kümmern und nicht zu haben, das zu tun, als in einer Beziehung zu sein, in der du dich völlig allein und nicht gut genug fühlst. Es ist das Schlimmste.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Ich bin mir nicht sicher. Ja, ich denke, es ist sicher. Ich meine, es gibt viel mehr. Jetzt ist es interessant. Das Pendulum hat geschlagen, aber... So there is a percentage of people, especially women, because I think men have always been have had an easier time being single, even though men actually studies suggest that men live longer when they're in relationships.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
So even though like we began this conversation, there are women who are actually living their best lives single. What's happening a lot between men and women who are saying that they'd rather be single is they have such a negative story and belief around love and relationships that their choice to be single is not empowering. It's the lesser of two evils. And so that's what I'm seeing a lot of.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
And that was the main motivation for writing the book, which is that Du bist immer noch ein Schlafer deines Exes. Dein Ex-Verhältnis kontrolliert dich immer noch, wenn du single bleibst, weil du denkst, dass ein Verhältnis nichts mehr als Schmerz ist. Und das ist, wo du die Geschichte reinvestigieren musst.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Was hat dich dazu gebracht? Es war alles. Es war meine eigene Erfahrung. Es waren Leute, die nicht die Türen hatten und nicht die Türen gelernt haben. Es sind auch Leute, die sich anderen verurteilt haben oder sich zu viel verurteilt haben. Es ist alles in der Höhe.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Ja, das ist der Einfluss des Romantismus auf unsere Kultur, dass wir diese Person treffen werden, die unser einziger und einzigartiger Sohn ist. Sie wird unsere Gedanken lesen und uns so lieben, wie unsere Mutter oder Vater uns nie liebten. Und wiederum, das sind keine wissenschaftlichen Gedanken, aber es ist besser, dass du es in deinem Psyche glaubst, weil du es wirklich bewusst haben musst.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Die Chancen, dass du jemanden kennst, mit dem du wieder verliebt wirst, sind auf deinem Glaubenssystem abhängig. Du hättest also den Glauben haben müssen, dass es noch Liebe gibt. Du hättest den Glauben haben müssen, dass, auch wenn du nie, besonders wenn du verheiratet bist,
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Du musst das Glauben haben, dass selbst wenn du diese Person niemals verändern kannst, du jemanden findest, der eine andere Farbe deines Lebens erzeugt. Du weißt es nie. Du musst in Liebe glauben. Du musst in dich selbst glauben. Ja, ich denke, das ist sehr wichtig. Und der Punkt ist, dass es nicht nur eine Person gibt, Timing is relevant.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
You said if you had met your now husband 10 years ago, you never would have given him a chance. So much of it is not about this one who is this entity out there who's going to come into your life. So much of you matching with the right person is about something that's going on internally inside of yourself.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Ja, ich meine, es begann alles mit Yoga. Ich denke, ich war Yoga-Teacherin seit vielen, vielen Jahren, also war ich immer sehr interessiert über die Mind-Body-Vereinigung und wirklich, wie man eine Beziehung zu sich selbst fortführen kann.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Mindfulness is when we can say, oh, I'm telling myself a story right now. I'm caught up in a whole narrative, a neurotic narrative that that is. Es hat mich in Kontrolle genommen. Es ist in Kontrolle von mir. Das allein ist großartig, um jemandem zu sagen, oh, ich bin in einer Geschichte. Was machst du, um es auszuschöpfen? Pferde und Tiere registrieren ihren eigenen Sinn davon.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und dann machen sie das, um es auszuschöpfen. Wir setzen das Nervensystem ein. Wir machen das nicht. Was wir tun können, ist, wir können einen kühlen Schlaf machen. Wir können einen Weg machen. Wir können... Deine Bewegung ist der schnellste Weg. Es ist der bestehende Weg. Es ist der schnellste Weg. Es ist extrem effektiv.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Aber auch wenn du dich sehr, sehr stressig fühlst, im Hinblick auf Übungen und eine Art Bewegung deines Körpers und vielleicht sogar Atemarbeit, We want to co-regulate. So we co-regulate with a friend, with a family member, with a pet. We can co-regulate by working with, if we work with people, then working with our clients. This is how we kind of get out of our heads.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
And then for people who are really going through a hard time, in addition to everything that I just said, find a way to give back. ist die wichtigste Sache, denn wenn wir in unseren Händen sind, sind wir in einem Zustand der Selbstversorgung. Wir denken nur über uns selbst. Und die schnellste Art, uns über uns selbst zu verhindern, ist, jemandem oder jemand anderem in Bedürfnis zu helfen.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und ich erkenne auch, dass wenn wir, wenn wir mehr in Frieden oder zentriert in uns selbst fühlen, und das bedeutet nicht, dass wir immer so sind, aber wenn wir, wenn wir einen mehr robusten Zentrum der emotionalen Gravität haben, einen emotionalen Zentrum der Gravität, der mehr zentriert und robust fühlt, dann sind unsere Beziehungen besser. Und dann wollte ich etwas mehr für mein Leben.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und es muss nicht so grandios sein. Es könnte einfach so sein, als würde jemand mit seinen Gemüsen helfen oder einen Freund anrufen, der eine schwierige Zeit durchgeht. Oder es könnte mehr sein, wenn du deine Zeit donierst. This is what gives our lives meaning. This is what gets us out of our heads and into our hearts. We are wired for connection. We are wired for connecting with other people.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
And that's the way.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
So let's say like in dating scenarios or early relationship scenarios. So lust is the feeling. It's the feeling. Basically our biology is being flooded with different neurotransmitters and hormones that makes us feel alive, elated, excited and excited. Emotionally excited and also excited physically.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
This is like when we have crushes, when we can't stop thinking about someone, where we can go into states of limerence, where we get really obsessive about someone. We put the person up on a pedestal, we think this is the one, because we feel temporarily rescued from the monotony of our lives. Lust ist sehr, sehr lustig. Es ist wie, wir sind auf dieser Erde nicht so lange, um Lust nie zu erleben.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Es wäre so eine Scham. Und es kann uns auch in ernsthafte Träume bringen. Weil dann ist es, wenn wir denken, wir, wiederum, wir setzen die Person, wir setzen eine Person, die wir kaum kennen, auf einen Pedestal. Our judgement gets clouded. This is not my concept, but I've heard these words before of like, you can't see the red flags through rose-colored glasses. The red flags are no longer red.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
And so these are the things Das kann passieren. Und es kann unglaublich sein. Lust ist lustig, bis du am Morgen wachst und du merkst, dass du nicht mehr in Kontrolle deines Lebens bist. Du bist ein anstrengender Schmuck. Liebe ist sehr anders als das. Lust nimmt, Liebe gibt.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Lust ist alles darum, was kannst du mir geben, wie kannst du mich fühlen, ich will mehr von dir, es ist Wunsch, es ist primal, aber Liebe ist um das Geben und Liebe ist um das Unterstützen und Liebe ist um die Begeisterung. In einer langfristigen Beziehung wird die Leidenschaft verschwinden. Aber die glücklichsten Paare, die ich kenne, haben immer noch Leidenschaft.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Es ist nicht das Gleiche, als wenn sie sich zuerst treffen wollten. Sie wollten mehrere Mal Sex haben. Du kannst sagen, bang. Sorry, du kannst den New Yorker aus mir nehmen. Ich bin sehr glücklich. Ich bin sehr glücklich.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
So, if passion is, if you want to work on the attraction and the physical chemistry in your relationship, you have to do more novel things together, more fun things together that are a little bit risky, that make you feel alive, so you get that charge between the two of you. Und das wird immer etwas sein, auf das du arbeiten musst.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Aber die Alternative ist es, eine Reihe von drei- bis sechsmonatigen Beziehungen in deinem Leben zu haben, die dich fühlen werden, komplett leer und unverfüllt, garantiert.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Ich wusste nicht, was das war. Ich wollte auch verheiratet werden. Und ich endete mit dem Mann zu treffen, der mein Mann werden würde und dann mein Ex-Mann. Und ich, weißt du, ich dachte, weil ich ihn um 37 Jahre alt hatte, dachte ich, dass das ein bisschen später in der Leben und ich hatte viele romantische Erfahrungen und Romantik wie Beziehungen.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
So I want to speak to something that I've seen over and over and over again and experienced myself in midlife with women, you know, 40 to 55, let's say, or 57, you know, women who have, who are in the perimenopause and menopausal journey. Burnout is the number one thing that I see most commonly throughout. Women who are
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
in Beziehungen, ich spreche nur von denjenigen, die in Beziehungen sind, die sich nicht an sich geben. Und sie haben Jahre lang an alle anderen gegeben. Und ich weiß nicht über dich, aber für mich, meine Erfahrung ist, dass der beste Weg, sich zu erneuern und deine Vitalität, was deine hormonale Gesundheit betrifft, ist, deine Kuppe zu füllen.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
ist, um Reste zu bekommen, um sich selbst zu geben, um sich selbst in diese Weise zu verbinden. Und deshalb würde ich die erste Anweisung geben, basierend auf meiner Erfahrung mit diesen Frauen, ist, wie können wir mit dem Plan kommen, wo du dich selbst gibst?
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
where you are making time for yourself, time for your hobbies, time for rest, time for the connection that you might need outside of your relationship, like with your friends or with community. I don't know about you, but that has been the common thread where I've met a woman going through that transition and feeling sort of lifeless in her marriage. And I'm really mean, nine out of ten times.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Da gibt sie nicht genug für sich selbst.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Ja, genau. Und was passieren wird, ist, dass deine Symptome viel besser werden. Sie werden wirklich verschwinden. Ich meine, das war die Erfahrung. Es ist wie, es gibt keine, wir können keine hormonale Balance in einem chronischen Stressstand haben. Es ist einfach unmöglich. And so I go, so that's where I come in, is helping women deal with their relationship with themselves.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und ich dachte, ich bin matur, ich weiß, was ich will. Und es war einfach... Die Beziehung war in vielen Fällen eine Katastrophe. Es war sehr, sehr schwierig. Und... And I didn't know how to navigate it. I was totally lost. And then things sort of reached a crescendo. My mom was dying of cancer and I woke up to a miscarriage.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
So instead of seeing it as like, oh, this is like doomsday, it's like, no, okay, but if you started to give, like what's missing in your life? What is actually missing in your life that you're feeling incomplete? And let's figure out a way to... Sie hat Geld in diese verschiedenen Gäste gelegt. Ich spreche von emotionalem Geld, Zeitgeld. Und die Ergebnisse waren unglaublich.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Dann fühlt sie sich besser. Sie fühlt sich mehr energisiert. Wenn sie sich mehr energisiert fühlt, fühlt sie sich besser im Körper. Sie exerciziert mehr. Sie isst besser. Sie fühlt sich mehr vibrant. Sie hat Tage, an denen sie vergessen, dass sie perimenopausal oder menopausal ist. Sie fühlt sich mehr wie sich selbst. Und dann will sie mehr Sex haben. Und jeder ist glücklicher.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Yeah, and just trying to get through. Because I know women who are, I have women in my life who Die jüngeren Frauen sind gut vor der Menopause. Und wenn ich zu ihnen spreche, als sie durch die Menopause gingen, sagen sie, ich hatte keine Symptome. Und ich habe viele Frauen so gesprochen. Und sie sagen, ich verstehe nicht, was all diese Sachen auf Social Media sind. Was geht da los?
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und ich habe noch keine Studien gemacht. Ich bin kein Experte an diesem Thema. Aber ich finde es interessant, that there was a lifestyle component to it. Now, that is not to shame anyone, because I have got a really busy lifestyle too, but we have to recognize that it is a delicate time where we need to be giving to ourselves and also women in general, regardless.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
You could be having the best periods of your life and on point and nowhere near perimenopause. Wenn du nicht zu dir gibst, wirst du zerbrochen. Das ist nur ein Teil unserer Systeme.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
If she's dating and in a relationship long term and she's struggling, she has to figure out what the pattern is. Are you with the wrong person or are you struggling to communicate? Is there something going on in your life that's causing a lot of stress that you're then bringing to the relationship, but you don't even realize it? So you have to do a little digging.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
For people who are dating, you have to be really... wirklich vorsichtig nicht zu sagen, dass du dir eine Geschichte über die Zeit oder so etwas erzählen solltest. Und ich würde eigentlich etwas, was sehr hilfreich ist,
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Find someone, whether it's... I don't care if it's a celebrity or a fictional character or something that you read, who is around your age, who is living the life that... We never know, but is living a life that you really like or you see that they're in a marriage. Because we have mirror neurons in our eyes, you have to be able to see it. There are women in midlife all over the place like...
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
In amazing Dating, in amazing relationships, having great sex, you know, doing all sorts of things. So we have to work so hard to fight that conditioning. And you just can't let that take over.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Ja, also Jillian Turecki. Ich bin auf allen Social Media, Instagram, auf meinem Website. Ich habe eine Mitgliedschaft für Frauen, die sogenannte Conscious Woman. Und dann, natürlich, mein Buch und mein Podcast, Jillian on Love.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
And that was the day that my ex-husband decided to send a text that he wasn't coming home. And so that day, which is how I begin the book, was like the end of my life in many ways, because it was the it was a huge turning point. It was like as if, you know, the universe or God or whatever you believe in some sort of force.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Ja, ich freue mich auch darauf. Ich hatte eine tolle Zeit.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
It was like, OK, Jillian, like you thought you were going in this direction, but no, no, no, no. You actually have to go in the opposite direction. And that began my journey into figuring out what makes a relationship work and how to actually How to find meaning in life.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Oh man, this is a big conversation. There's lots of different reasons. One is that we live in a time where women are making more money than ever and are more independent than ever. So a lot of them are... choosing to be single or choosing not to get married. Let's say they're in a relationship, but they're choosing not to get married because they don't see the point in getting married.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Whereas in the past, especially through a heteronormative lens, it would be, you get married because you need financial support. from your husband and you need other things. But you really you want to build a family. You want to you want to be at home and your husband would be sort of the one sort of monetarily supporting the family. And so things have changed a lot for women.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
I think now, you know, at least for the women I work with, Most women, they want to be with someone who's financially stable, but what they're looking for more is someone who's emotionally supportive, right? So women don't need that. It also depends where we're looking. If we're looking at cities or we're looking more like suburban areas, it's definitely different in cities.
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The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
I think that also women, this is along the same vein, is that women's focus... Here's the thing. Alle Frauen, die ich arbeite, wollen Liebe, sie wollen eine Beziehung. Aber sie fokussieren sich auch auf andere Dinge, wie ihre Karriere. Das ist in meiner Sicht eine tolle Sache.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Sie fokussieren sich darauf, dass sie nicht in ihren 20ern und frühen 30ern eine Beziehung suchen, bis sie 40 Jahre alt sind und sich fragen, wohin sie gehen sollen. Die dritte Sache ist, wenn eine Frau verheiratet wird oder wenn sie durch einen sehr traumatischen Verlust geht. Statistisch gesagt, Es dauert viel länger als Männer, um das Schmerz und die Schmerzen zu lösen.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Sie bleiben also länger Single als Männer nach den Verabschiedungen.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Whatever your relationship status, if you are unhappy with the quality specifically of your romantic relationship, it's all encompassing. The right one can bring you peace. I have a new book here. It begins with you. Nine hard truths about love that will change your life. We have to make sure that our life is sacred to us and important to us and that we don't make a stranger so important.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Die erste Sache, die ich beantworten möchte, ist, dass die Menschen wirklich auf ihre Glaubenssysteme aufmerksam sein müssen. Wenn du glaubst und immer sagst, dass alle guten Dinge genommen werden, wenn du glaubst, dass jeder da draußen ein Narzisst ist oder ich zu alt bin oder so etwas, dann wirst du niemanden treffen. Das ist nur so, wie es funktioniert.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Ich habe mit vielen Frauen in der Zwischenzeit gearbeitet. Some in their mid-50s and they're having the time of their life. I mean, it's like raining men on them and some of them who date women is raining women. Why? Well, are they any more attractive or impressive than maybe the younger ones? No, but they just have a different... Sie glauben in sich selbst.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Sie glauben nicht in den Stress und die Druck, über die alle reden, wenn es um Dating geht. Es war nie so einfach, die Person zu finden oder zu treffen, mit der du dich verlieben und den Rest deines Lebens verlieben wirst. Du musst so aufmerksam sein. Und es wird fast immer länger dauern, als du es dir zufriedenstellst.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und du kannst nicht einfach auf zehn Daten gehen und dann sagen, du weißt, verdammt mit dem Daten. Aber was du tun kannst, ist, keine zweiten Daten an Menschen zu geben, die du nicht magst. Und starte, zweite Daten an Menschen zu geben, zu denen du dich initial nicht so attraktiv fühlst, aber du magst sie.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und das ist wirklich wichtig, weil ich das immer sehe, und ich sehe das mit Frauen im Wesentlichen, es ist wie, oh ja, sie wollen die Person immer sehen, obwohl die Person all diese Zeichen zeigt, dass sie keinen starken Charakter hat, aber es gibt physische Attraktionen da. Und so musst du dir viel mehr auf das aufmerksam machen.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Ein Teil davon ist nicht unsere Schuld, richtig? Wir haben nie... Ich meine, was gerade mit Frauen passiert und mit Plastikschutz ist außer Kontrolle. Was gerade mit Frauen passiert und mit Injektionen... Ich meine, es gibt Frauen in ihren 20ern und frühen 30ern, die Botox und Lipflips bekommen. Und diese wunderschönen, wunderschönen Frauen, die so jung sind.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und deshalb ist es nicht wirklich unsere Schuld, dass wir, weil wir so inundiert sind mit den Standards. Also ist es so, wie könntest du nicht denken, oh, ich bin 40 Jahre alt, wenn wenn das, was passiert ist und du musst und das Ding ist, es geht meistens in diesem Land, weil wenn du in andere Länder in Europa gehst,
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Viele europäische Männer registrieren nicht einmal eine menopausalische Frau, weil er sich nicht interessiert. Ja, er hat sich nicht interessiert. Er denkt, eine Frau in ihren 60ern ist wunderschön, wie das Alter nicht. Der Aufhang auf das Alter ist wirklich in den Vereinigten Staaten.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Und deshalb wollte ich das hinzufügen, weil ich bemerken wollte, dass es nicht nur so ist, dass es alles in deinem Kopf ist. But some of it is. And you really have to fight against that and really own where you are and not get into that learned helplessness about your age.
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Yeah, I mean, I see it all the time. So it's...
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Du gehst auf eine Date und vielleicht ist es nicht, weißt du, manchmal ist es schwierig, in der ersten Date zu wissen, vielleicht ist es eine Woche von einer Person zu daten und du bekommst diesen Sinn von, um, diese Person ist wirklich nicht so in mich oder sie sehen sich nicht, du weißt, sie sehen sich nicht über mich aufgeregt, um, sie sind nicht wirklich mich zu folgen oder sie sind nicht wirklich rezeptiv zu mir, um, oder ich habe nur einige rote Flagge bemerkt, ich habe, ich hatte ein bisschen eine schreckliche Gefühle, als ich um sie ging, oder ich habe etwas bemerkt, was einfach ein bisschen weg war, um,
The Tamsen Show
The #1 Relationship Expert Jillian Turecki on Finding Real Love In Midlife
Aber, weißt du, Du nimmst in die physische Attraktion und du nimmst in eine Dose von Leidenschaft und eine Dose von, aber warte, ich bin 40, niemand anderes wird mich wollen oder was auch immer es ist. Du nimmst das in die Mischung und was du bekommst, ist Desperation.