Jillian Turecki
Appearances
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
A lot of women, and men again will do this too, but a lot more women will silence what their needs are. Let me try to be cool. Let me go with the flow. Let me be a pleaser. Let me be a nurturer. Because everything is like, I want you to choose me. I want you to pursue me. I want to be like that fairy tale. And nothing could be further from the truth of what reality is.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
So everyone has a different path. But the most dangerous person to be in a relationship with other than the person who's the low hanging fruit dangerous, which is violent, manipulative, narcissist. We know that that's dangerous. So let's just say let's table that. Let's shelve that kind of dangerous person. The next dangerous person to be in a relationship with.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
is the person who is unaware of how their childhood has affected the way that they show up in a relationship, who literally just does not know, who does not have that awareness, and who isn't able to admit it and to talk about it with their partner. So we have to be able to do that, and that's very important.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Oh, thank you so much for having me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Most people are not diving into it. And there is some value to saying, look, I grew up this way. You got to make the best of it and move on. And I realized that because mom was like this or dad wasn't always present, sometimes I do this. Most people, you are right, are not aware of their imperfections. But it takes a lot of confidence.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
You just have to know the ways in which you are actually difficult in a relationship and have a little sense of humor about it and love yourself anyway, and then say, you know, I'm going to work on this. That's really what it's all about. And then we also have to be very mindful of the fact that every single person has limitations. Now, some people have huge limitations, but we're all limited.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
So you have to, when choosing a partner, for example, to expect a unicorn, to expect this person who's just not going to have any limitations is very, very, very silly. Like you cannot do that. But what you can expect of yourself and of another person is someone who's aware of their limitations.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And then what you have to be able to say to yourself is what limitations can I live with and what can I not live with?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And I hope that it woke her up a little bit. That's honestly a large part of what the book is about is you need to be able to see the role that you're playing in the dynamic. And even more, this is how you can change it because awareness is the first step, but then changing the behavior is the next step and changes where people is where we all struggle the most, to be honest.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
But yeah, I mean, if you love someone and you're in a relationship with them and something's not working out with them and you're going through a hard time, it's not to say that when there's a problem in a relationship, I am not suggesting that it's a 50-50 split, meaning like you're responsible for half of it and you're responsible for the other half.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
No, it could very well be that one person is more of a problem. Their behavior is more of a problem than the other. But more times than not, it really does take two to tango. And so the constant finger pointing without being able to say to yourself, okay, what am I doing that's contributing to whatever it is that's not working in my relationship? The moment you can ask yourself that,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
is the moment that you transform yourself. You are transformed in that moment with just that question. And it's very, very important. So when I work with people and when I worked a lot with couples, nine times out of 10, I'm helping people see their role and their role could be their perspective, their role could be how they're just not considering the other person's side.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Most people, when they go into like a couples therapy couch, they're thinking fix the other person. And oftentimes we change the dynamics between us and another person by changing ourselves. Not always, but often.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
It is very hard. I mean, mindfulness is a practice. Mindfulness is a practice. The example that you gave, I mean, that could be so many different things. Like It could be that you're choosing the wrong men, right? That could be one thing. It could also be that a lot of women will, because we value safety so much, we have
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
habit of always trying to find what's wrong in another person because we're looking for danger so that we can protect ourselves from danger. So oftentimes, is it actions not matching up with words or is there a communication breakdown? Is it the way that you're asking for things or is it actually them not being into integrity? There's so many different ways to look at the scenario that you shared.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
mindfulness as a practice is, okay, if I want to be in a relationship with this person, are our values aligned? Do we get along? Do I feel good around this person? If I were to have a child, would I want them to grow up to be like this person? Okay. And then let's say you're like, okay, yes, I think so. I'm discovering so, but we're having these issues. Okay. How am I communicating?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
I think I just really understand the mind of people and a lot of women, especially who are really great people, but
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Am I only thinking about my needs, my insecurity, my frustration, or am I taking the time to ask them about their experience of the same situation?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
More times than not, the reason why people find themselves in toxic dynamics, unhealthy dynamics is because of ignoring red flags, basically ignoring their intuition. It's just basically that. There's a paradox and there's many paradoxes in relationships. One is people tell you who they are pretty early on.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And the other one is at the same time, it does take time to discover who a person really is and their character, right? There are certain red flags that might just be like, give you some pause and it's worth exploration. So it's not just like, oh, I'm not sure if that's a red flag. You know, let me just bottle up inside and then like pull away or walk away. Let me ask the person about it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
struggle in relationships i think i just understand that psychology because i've been that person before so maybe that's it and i think i just i draw a lot from my own experience as well as my professional experience and i just try to really just say the truth so maybe that is it i don't know
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
You know, like, let's just say they're talking a lot about their ex and they're talking about their ex a lot. And they're feeling like you start to get the feeling that maybe they're not entirely over this person. What you would say is, you know, I noticed that you talk about your ex a lot and I'm getting the sense that maybe there's still...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
some emotional charge there or maybe you just had a bad day around it or like i'd love to understand more but this is what i'm observing and then you see what they say you never know their ex could be their ex-spouse and they could say you know what really sorry we co-parent today was a bad day with them so they're top of mind but i'm going to be more mindful of that
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Or they might just like, you know, keep talking about how their ex is terrible, which is a really, that's a red flag because you want someone to be able to, first of all, not bad mouth their ex. And instead just be like, I learned a lot from that experience. This is what I learned. Because then you get the idea that they actually processed. But a lot of times people don't listen to their bodies.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Like when something happens, and it feels like an immediate punch in your gut or shut down in your system and something really doesn't feel good. They don't listen. They don't say, hey, that did not feel good. They don't take it seriously. They think, well, I'm really attracted to this person or I've just spent the last five months really trying to get to know them. I don't want this to end.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And there happens to be this whole inner dialogue that happens about why it can't end. And these are the things that I really try to empower a lot of people to pay attention to because those really unhealthy dynamics are ones in which people are ignoring their intuition.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Yes.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
A couple of different ways. One is you check in with yourself and you ask yourself, what is it that I'm feeling right now? And how much does this actually have to do with this person? Or am I looking at this person and seeing mom, dad, and my ex? Or am I actually seeing this person as the pure person who they are?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Or am I looking at this person and seeing an idealized version of who I want them to be versus who they really are? So you check in with yourself. You really have to check in with yourself.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And if you still can't decipher because maybe you've had a lot of troubled relationship history and you're having trouble trusting yourself and you're starting to now feel really anxious about it, speak to someone who you trust. who knows you, who's grounded, who can give you some outside perspective so that you get out of your head about it and you speak to someone about it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And I think that that's very helpful, whether it's a very close friend, a family member or a therapist, whoever it is, someone who you trust and you could be like, hey, this is what happened. And I just don't know, like, is this something that I should pay attention to? Or is this me just being a walk-in trigger? And that's another thing.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
I think that, you know, when we get into a relationship, part of what inspires me to teach people is assess how triggerable you are. Are you still being controlled by past relationships? Or have you looked at yourself and your role in it and the things that you can control and And have you kind of changed the story around it?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Or are you still stuck in the story of just constantly blaming your ex and feeling victimized by your ex? And so now it's like you're just a walking trigger. So these are some of the things. And again, it's just you don't have to get it perfect. It's just really honestly what it boils down to is self-reflection.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Well, first of all, men obsess quite a bit as well. They can, you know, not everyone obsesses, but they can obsess quite a bit as well. The obsessing usually happens when we are the ones who are being rejected. So it's the rejection is what stimulates all the obsessing because then we're like, we're not good enough. Should I try it harder? All of that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Obsessing is part of the breakup process and it's part of the rejection process. And you start to ruminate is really what it is. And you're going back in time and you're replaying certain conversations and you're seeing it played out differently and what you could have done differently differently. There's different ways to put a little bit of an end to that. One is to talk to someone.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Another is to journal, exercise, distract yourself with work a little bit. You are very right that what women will do is obsess over the person who they barely know, who they started dating. Does he like me? Does she like me? Are they into me? When are they going to call this or that? Because women, we are very conditioned to have this sort of choose me mentality. pick me, choose me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And men will get into this as well. It's not just women, but yes, more often than not, women will get into this, this wormhole basically of this person who they barely know that they have made the central character of their lives before that person has even gotten remotely close to earning that role. And it is the obsession with being enough and being chosen when in reality, You are the chooser.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And that is the most important thing. And we get caught up, and a lot of women, and it depends on their stage of life, they'll get caught up because maybe they want to have a family, they want to get married, they want to have the ring on their finger. They have all this anxiety and social and societal and familial pressure that's on their shoulders.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And so they meet someone who they're attracted to, who maybe looks good on paper, and they become totally obsessed with being good enough for them. And actually, that's exactly what turns the person off, particularly turns off a man. When really, you have to think, do I even want you? Are you good enough for me? Are our values aligned? Hey, this is what I need from you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Because a lot of women, and men, again, will do this too, but a lot more women will silence what their needs are. Let me try to be cool. Let me go with the flow. Let me be a pleaser. Let me be a nurturer. Because everything is like, I want you to choose me. I want you to pursue me. I want to be like that fairy tale. And nothing could be further from the truth of what reality is. And that is,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
You have to be the one who is direct and forward about what it is that you want. You are to be the one who is also choosing and you are going to become much more attractive to many more people when you actually assume that role. And you will scare some people away and those are the right people to scare away.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And that is, you have to be the one who is direct and forward about what it is that you want. You are to be the one who is also choosing. And you are going to become much more attractive to many more people when you actually assume that role.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Yeah. So, I mean, I grew up, my parents were immigrants. My father originally from Poland, my mom originally from South Africa, but then they met in South Africa and my parents had a terrible marriage. My father at the time was undiagnosed bipolar disorder. He was extremely narcissistic, but extremely intelligent to the point of a genius and very good at what he does.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
So being direct is not the same thing as being antagonistic or being controlling. It's about being forward and vulnerable. There's tremendous vulnerability in exposing yourself to another person and saying, this is what I need from you. Because most of us are too busy unconsciously manipulating others to get our needs met. And we are trying to control the narrative.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
We're trying to control the way other people perceive us. So we're doing all this strategy. It's actually very vulnerable to say, I care enough about me and you and what we can build together for me to say, this is what I need from you. And tone and cadence and your body language and your eyes, all of that while you're saying that can be very soft while at the same time being very direct.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And you can also be very intense if you have to be. I don't see that as masculine at all. You know, when we talk about the role of femininity and masculinity, you know, most people have it very wrong, honestly. Like, you're not in your feminine if you're doing this. you know Thank you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And my mom was this young South African model who had a baby when she was really young with another guy. And you know here she found this man who was my father who was like this jewish doctor and so that's what you were supposed to do was get married to the person who was good on paper and i don't think that they were ever really in love i don't think she was ever really in love with him and
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
They definitely did not have any relationship skills. And there was a lot of emotional abuse and a little bit of violence and a lot of codependency. And, you know, my father also struggled. This was when I was young with addiction, but mostly like self-prescribed stuff. And so I grew up in a very, very tense household between two people with two parents who did not get along.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Thank you. I also wanted it to be sort of like a surrogate therapy couch for couples who just don't know how to find their way out. So yeah, it's for people who feel saddened and confused and determined to figure out this area of their life, which is relationships, romantic relationships in particular.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And there was just a lot of toxicity. So I was not modeled healthy relationships. And my father was a very complicated man. And I was born into a very sensitive constitution. I was just very sensitive. And so... he scared me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
It's available for, I mean, I don't even know if I say available for pre-order, but you can get it literally anywhere. Your local bookstore, Amazon, you can get it on Audible. So honestly, you just go to I think that you'll put a link it out and there's lots of different places where you can get the book from. Did you record the audio version? By the time this comes out? Yes. I love that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
I love when the author does the actual audio.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
I I'm doing the actual one for sure. So if you are someone who would prefer to listen to my voice or you're someone who likes to listen to books while you're on the go, then we'll have that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Oh, thank you so much. So yes, follow me on Instagram at Jillian Tarecki. I'm also on TikTok and threads and whatnot, but I'm the most active on Instagram. And I have a membership, a relationship school for women called The Conscious Woman, a bunch of courses. So you can just find that on my site, JillianTarecki.com. And Of course, my book and my podcast, Jillian on Love.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
He never physically abused me in any way, shape or form, but he was highly manipulative and there were some emotional, I guess you would call it abuse, but I found him to be very, very scary. So I grew up terrified of him and very attached to my mom. And so that created some dynamics, you know, for me later in life. And, you know, I was the child of
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And I grew up with siblings, but I was the child where when my parents announced that they were separating, I felt this tremendous weight off my shoulders. I thought, thank God he's leaving. A big part of my life has been understanding how my relationship with him and also my relationship with my mom, my relationship with my childhood has impacted my life. specifically romantic relationships.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And I've actually had some beautiful romantic relationships. So I don't want to misrepresent myself saying that like every relationship I've ever had has been hard. I've actually had good ones, but I think that that's also what's so nuanced about the conversation relationships. You can go through a stage of life where you have a great relationship and then you're later in life
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
then everything goes to hell because there's so much context around it. And so a large part of my life is learning how to, how to forgive him came later was more like, how do I be around this person without feeling like I'm terrified and feeling so deeply uncomfortable? my relationship with my father in many ways to find my life. And so learning how to deal with that was huge.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And I would say that my marriage, which ended, which was really the thing that got me into all of this. I taught yoga for many years, almost 20 years. And then I went through a relationship that was the most significant relationship of my life. And we got married and And then it ended in two years. And so I really wanted to understand.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
I became obsessed with trying to understand what happened between me and my ex-husband. And that was really the time where I had to, I was forced to reckon with my relationship with my father. And how I could not, because I was very avoidant of my father. In the relationship between me and my father, I was the avoidant. In the relationship between me and certain men, I was the anxious one.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
I couldn't avoid it anymore. I had to face it directly. And so that's a large part of what has influenced this book is learning how to heal, learning how to have your own back, learning to raise your self-esteem and also to take responsibility for what it is that goes on in a relationship. And I wanted to figure out years ago, like what actually makes a relationship work, but work really well.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And I wanted to distill it into very tangible truths and lessons. And I spent years trying to distill it. If I were to come up with like 10 truths or nine truths or seven truths, like what is it? What is the legacy that I would want to leave behind? Like, what do I feel people must understand? about themselves and about themselves relationally and about love. That's what I birthed in this book.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Meaning in every relationship, is there someone avoidant and there's someone anxious? No, I think in a lot of relationships, yes. you might find someone who is more wired for togetherness and values more togetherness. And then you might find someone who has been wired towards more autonomy. But there are also a lot of relationships where there's alignment in that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
So I think that it's not just anxious that the lens through which that we see relationship shouldn't just be about attachment theory. Attachment theory is a very important layer. It is not the only layer. It's just about how were you raised? Like, were you raised to just like go out into the world and be free and be left to your own devices?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Well, if so, then you were raised to become a very independent person. Or were you raised, maybe were people a little bit more protective of you? Or were you raised around more togetherness and connection? Well, then you are gonna probably be more wired towards dependence. in a relationship. So everyone brings their different things to the table of a relationship, how they were raised.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Everyone has limitations. And it's really about two people being able to work within the constructs of how they were raised if they can, if they can. But no, it's not that in every relationship, there's someone who's anxious and there's someone who's avoidant. It's so much more than that. In every relationship, there's someone who believes that over-communicating is better.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And then there's someone who was raised to believe that it's best to just sweep it under the rug. There are some people who were raised to raise their voices when they're upset because that's how you show that you care and there's passion. And then there's another person who was raised to believe that, no, you keep your voices quiet.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And anytime you raise your voice, that's almost a declaration of violence. So we all have unique histories and conditioning and beliefs, and we all have our different lenses through which we see the world.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And sometimes, you know, often we forget that when we get into a relationship with someone, we're getting to a relationship with a very unique individual who has their own unique ways of growing up. And part of creating a healthy relationship is understanding that to talking about that, seeing if you can find a middle ground in the areas where there's a little bit of conflict or discord.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And that's what it is. It's not just anxious or avoid. There's so many layers to it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
First, what I want to preface this is, if you were sexually abused, there was violence, I'm not in any way suggesting, nor would I ever ask someone to forgive their parent who did that to them. I think some things don't really warrant forgiveness. It's more making peace with your past so that your story about your parent with whom you have struggled, you start to change the story a little bit.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And the story does not have such a control over you. And so my story, particularly with my father was like, here's this person who's like this. And I'm this person who's like that. And I was very scared of him. But as you get older and as I got older, I started to realize, yes, that is all true. But there are other things that are true too.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Like it's also true that he grew up in a generation and in a culture where men weren't emotionally available. It is also true that he did the best that he could with the tools that he had. It is also true that He had certain gifts that I happen to have as well. So the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
And sometimes the things that you adopt or that you inherit from your parents, even the crappy parent is great. So you have to start to see it differently. And it challenges us to become the wiser person in the room. And if you're in the room with the parent that you struggle with, like how do you transcend that? your ego, and all of that to kind of see things differently.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
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And that's the challenge. And it's not overnight. And it's about looking at your trauma differently and seeing it through a different lens, a more objective lens. So it's making peace. And I think that that's very important because when we really struggle, and sometimes, like I said, if it's strong abuse, maybe it's making peace with whatever happened with someone A lot of distance. Right.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And then there, of course, there's the grandiosity, which is they think everyone is sort of below them in some way. But the people who I work with and most of the problems, and I think the people who probably write into you, there's more of a lower self-esteem issue happening where they put someone up on a pedestal and and they project unconsciously their ideal partner onto this person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Okay, so number one is...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Maybe this person looks exactly like a childhood crush or like, you know, the actor who they were always in love with. Or maybe there is just something about them and their vibe that they're like, this is the person that I want. And, and, or maybe it's their job. The things on the surface are
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
People will then think, I must get this person because if I get this person, then I'm actually getting everything that I've ever wanted in a partner on the surface. If I get this person, I'm validated. I'm going to have a good life, right? So it's all an illusion. It truly is all an illusion. Then there's like the deeper childhood wounds of my father was very rejecting.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I'm putting this in the context just because I'm a woman who dates men. So I'm just thinking more, but it could be, you know, obviously whoever you date, but if one of your parents was rejecting of you and that's all you ever knew. And so you never really felt good enough. So actually in dating and in love, you
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Your sort of like center of gravity psychologically is I work really hard to earn love as opposed to understanding or being used to, no, like all I have to do is be myself and the right person is going to fall madly in love with me, right? You know, be myself with a little dosage of like, also let me check myself, right? Yeah. So people are used to that. They're used to the rejection.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And then again, the lower self-esteem. If they're not into me, challenge accepted. So other people are just like, there's a competitive edge. I'm going to be like, I'm going to change this person or I'm going to be the inspiration for their change or I'm going to make them notice me. There's just a conglomerate of influences around that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Why are they not attracted to the person who's actually into them? Again, a lot of theories, and I think they're good ones. Fear of intimacy. And this is all unconscious. If I'm into the person who's into me, then we actually have to be in a relationship, and then I actually have to be vulnerable, and then I actually have to be emotionally available.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And then we're going to build this thing and like, ooh, that's icky and scary. What's easier for me is to go for the person who's completely emotionally unavailable, who's actually not that into me and may not even be that nice to me, but they're hot and there's something about them. And I really want to have sex with them. And I'm just going to use that as sort of like an in.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
There's some deeper healing needs to go on there. Like that might require therapy. That might require looking into your family of origin and trying to understand that. There could be like for a woman who's dating a man, you know, maybe she has a very misguided understanding of what it is for a man to be masculine. Right. So a woman typically is looking for lots of different things.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But a lot of women who date men are looking for a man where she wants to feel safe. She wants to feel safe and she wants to feel seen. She wants to feel understood. Maybe she's looking for some providership and maybe that has nothing to do with money, but just has to do with energy and vibe. Right. And so then she'll look to the man who may on the outside seem strong. Maybe he's tough.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You know, maybe his physique is big and strong. Maybe he's got a little bit of like that dark edge. So she reads it as, oh, he's going to protect me. There's something masculine and sexy about him. But on the inside, he's broken. He has no idea how to love because he doesn't know how to love himself anymore. He's not safe.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
He's actually very unsafe, even if not physically, he's going to be unsafe emotionally.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And so there's a maturity that needs to happen to understand that like your type, you have to get under the hood of the car a little bit more and understand like if you're looking for those qualities in a person, and I'm just using this as an example, then really what's actually going to be safe is someone with strong character, someone with presence, someone who has a sense of self, right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
who can actually feel safe in his or her own body. And when they can feel safe in their body, they can actually provide safety for you in the relationship and that you also have to understand how to make yourself safe. So there's a lot going on. I hope I'm not saying too much.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah, but so there's maturity level here. There's misguided understanding of what it is for someone to truly be embodied and safe and valued. And then there's also childhood wounding. And it could be all part of it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So it's difficult because when you're dealing with, because what you just said, like, if you're into me, then you must be weak. But if you're not into me, then you must be strong. That's all through the filter of low self-esteem and low self-worth. It's like, what's wrong with you that you are actually into me? It's not just about accountability.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's like, can you see how incredibly powerful you are? that you can be the change that you want to see in your life. This isn't about like, oh, you're the problem. It's really rarely that it's one person who's the problem in a relational dynamic. Yes, it does exist for very extreme cases. And I'm never going to say that it's 50-50.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You know, it really could be someone who's 70% of the quote unquote problem and someone who's 30%. But if you can see that your relationship or your life is really the product of the choices that you make, and that it's not your fault if you didn't learn. We're all trying to figure out what it really truly means to love someone. Philosophers have been...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
talking about this for centuries, trying to understand what love is or is not. And especially if you were raised in a family where like your parents really kind of didn't love each other. You know, maybe they said they loved each other, but their actions would speak otherwise. So we're all really trying to do the best that we can do with the tools that we have.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And really this book is just about giving tools. So how do you build self-awareness and also have the self-esteem? You're never going to raise your self-esteem by being too precious with yourself. You have to be willing to be brave and to look at the hard things, but also at the same time, acknowledge how strong you are. Like, let's just start with that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Like all the miles that you've walked, all the things that you've had to overcome, all the struggles, all the late nights that maybe you've had of being really anxious and yet you still managed to go to sleep and get up the next morning and get ready for work or get your kids ready. It takes a tremendous amount of resilience just to be a human being. So just acknowledge that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And at the same time, get really curious. We are very complex, weird creatures, you know, like we're all so nuanced and quirky. Don't think that you're so unique in your problems. Like you are not, these things that you worry about, millions of people are having the same worry at the same time. That's actually not what makes you unique. Your problems don't make you unique.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
The other beautiful things about you are actually what make you unique. That's beautiful. Yeah. The healing happens when you can acknowledge the ways in which maybe you've been standing in your own way and contributing to whatever it is that you don't want to have in life.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I've worked with hundreds of couples. I work with people at all stages of their relationship life. But a lot of singles are kind of like, you know, kind of the loudest because they want love. And I understand that. And so the first thing they work on is their mindset and their belief system. And so, yes, all the good ones are taken.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And yeah, I want to validate everyone who've had really hard experiences. So I'm going to tell a story, if that's okay. So I was out for dinner recently with some friends, one man and two women. and we were in New York City. I really care about this girl. She helps me out, and I'm just like, I want to get you partnered. What's going on? I wanted to sort of understand what was going on with her.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I said, well, what is it? What is it that you believe about men? She's like, well, I just think all men really just want one thing, sex. I was like, wow, interesting. I don't really think that's true. And then our guy friend who was there was like, that's really not true.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But she has this core belief and it's reinforced because she's gone on dates with men and they've sort of not really valued getting to know her and have made advances that were really inappropriate. But guess what? She gives him a second date. And then she gives him a second date and then it's even more reinforced. Mm-hmm.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And I said to her, and she wanted me to be really brutally honest with her. I said, first of all, that's actually not true. Sure, it's true for some, but it's actually not true. There are actually men out there who will be very attracted to you in a way that they want to know more about you. Like they're drawn to you. They're magnetized to you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Wonderful to be here. Thanks for having me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes, it's attraction in the beginning, it's lust, but they want to know you. And they want a relationship. There's millions of men, single men, who want love and want a relationship. But you're choosing the ones who kind of suck. And who just want that from you. And you are actually rewarding their behavior by giving them another date. So you're part of the problem.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
These men are getting rewarded because they're getting some smart, intelligent, beautiful woman. They're getting a second date after they are treating you like they could care less about you. So you are actually training these men to do more of what they already do.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Instead of being like, yeah, I'm not interested and absolutely never seeing them again and deciding to be a little bit higher with your standard and a little bit stricter with your sort of boundaries about who you decide to date. I think that's actually a really good example of how someone can get really fixated on a belief and your beliefs are what create your mindset. Mm-hmm.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Then your reality becomes a reflection of your belief system. And yet you don't even realize the things that you're doing to reinforce it. Hence, it begins with you. And so having this conversation and also having like a really good looking podcast. heart nerd man at the table.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
When I say good looking, I mean, on the inside, on the outside, like, you know, great catch saying, absolutely, that's not true. And then me pointing out her sort of pattern and all that, we were able to kind of chip away at a belief that was actually the belief that's keeping her single.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's a combination of things of challenging yourself. Like, is that really true? Where did I adopt that? How am I reinforcing that? Could it be true that I've had some, a couple of bad experiences, but sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles. And that doesn't necessarily mean that it's everyone.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So you keep going for maybe the guy who you think is really smart, looks a certain way, has a certain job, or she looks a certain way or whatever. And you're so attached to that, that you keep getting the same thing as opposed to the mindset shift has to be, yes, listen, chemistry is important. You got to be attracted to the person if you want to sleep with them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But you want to also train yourself to be drawn to certain qualities like someone's character and give people who you are like, well, oh, you know, there's something kind of interesting about them. I don't know if I feel an immediate spark. Screw the immediate spark. Let's see if you're actually like who you are and when you're with this person. And I'm not saying endless amount of time.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You can't force chemistry, but it can sometimes turn on like a light switch after three or four dates. If when you get home from the date, you're like, I had a good time, but I'm not quite sure if I feel the spark. They're not really my type and that whole chatter.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So there's a few things. One is it shouldn't just be the apps. I don't tell people get off the apps. Sometimes I say get on the apps. But if you just focus on that, that's going to burn you out and it's going to exhaust you and you're meeting a bunch of strangers. So that's like another mistake that people make is that they're impatient.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
No.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Completely different things. Some of the most intelligent, charming, witty, beautiful people on the planet are also the most unhealthy and the ones who will harm you emotionally. I mean, it really is a cruel joke, isn't it? I'm never going to suggest that you date someone who you're not attracted to. I do think though, and I would really be curious to hear your thoughts, Jay.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Like I do think that with maturity and maybe that's age and wisdom and that looks different for everyone, that you do start to find other things attractive. Like for me personally, someone who's like really present with me and like a good listener, it's not a guarantee. If you're really present with me and a good listener, that doesn't mean I'm going to be attracted to you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But if you're not present with me and you're not a good listener and you're not interested, that's definitely going to be a turn off. Whereas in the past, I would have felt that in my body. I would have felt that red flag and then intuition that would have felt off in my body. But I would have suppressed it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And I'm saying this about myself because I represent so many people who I know do this too because I see it all the time. Let me just repress that because I want to be seductive. I want to lure them in. I want the validation. I think they're hot. You know, maybe there's something there. And I think with maturity, it translates as actually, no, like that's actually a really big turnoff.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
when we start to have a clear sense of self, and I don't believe that anyone is ever fully whole ever. I think that's the journey. And I think that's the biggest lie. It's two whole people coming together. I mean, if that's really the truth, then we're all screwed, honestly. However, having no sense of self and no center is problematic too. Life isn't binary.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's not black or white, but we live in the gray area. But I do think that as we do get a clear understanding of ourselves, meaning What's important to us? What are the things that we struggle with? Can we find some sort of self-acceptance even in the midst of our greatest ambivalence towards the things that really we don't quite like about ourselves?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Can we start to actually hold ourselves in high regard even though we are keenly aware of our imperfections and the ways in which perhaps we're difficult? Yeah. And to me, that's healing is really being able to be familiar with the parts of ourselves that are good and maybe not so great and still accept ourselves and see that we have intrinsic value and that we deserve love.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And I think that the more that we get an understanding of how to meet our needs better, understanding what our needs are, learning how to stand on our own two feet emotionally, for some people that's financially, whatever it is. then who we are attracted to changes. And the things that maybe we used to be attracted to
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's not every day that you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with. Like, it's just not that easy. But you have to get out there. You have to be proactive. Look, there are people who are sitting around on their couch waiting for like that person to fall onto the couch next to them. And it's not going to happen that way.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
we're not so attracted to, or like, I mean, I've definitely in the last couple of years have been like, oh my God, like that is the guy I totally would have gone for. And like, whoa, but I know that that is not right for me. So I kind of, I just switch it off. I don't indulge it. It's like, I can actually compartmentalize and be like, yes, totally attracted to him.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But I know that that would never be the right partner for me. So I don't even, they're just putting this box over here and I don't pursue that. that does not mean that I can't be attracted to a really good person. It just means that we can be attracted to many different people for many different reasons.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And the more that we heal and grow, the more we find qualities that are maybe not so, you know, charm forward, very attractive.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And in 40s.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Butterflies and almost danger, like excitement.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So you can either live your life to the fullest and enjoy your life and trust that one day organically, it may or may not happen if you put yourself out there and you widen your circle, or you actually have to be proactive. And that might mean going on a, like dating like it's your business, like going on a bunch of dates every single week with as low of an expectation as possible.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
That's very well said. And that's very, very true. There are people who are really accustomed to very unhealthy relationships. A lot of push-pull dynamics. There's a lot of toxicity. And often their physical intimate lives is the glue that keeps it together. Like that's the hot part of the relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And that person then might get out of it and say, well, I may not ever have sex like that again. And I tell them, no, you probably actually won't. But that's okay because if you are at least attracted to someone and you feel safe with them, you can explore so much more.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You can go into the depth of your vulnerability with this person and then create a sex life that can be very wonderful with that person. And that's what you want to do. For some people, they even say, you know what? I just, I've deprioritized that. You know, they've been through so much crazy in their relationships that they actually have made the decision.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's not that it's not important, but they've deprioritized it because they've associated with so much pain. So everyone is on a different journey, but ultimately the 16 year old self, like you just have to just acknowledge that person and be like, no, you're not in charge because what you want is actually not good for you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
overstep yeah it's a fine balance and i think it's hard for people like you said earlier we also want them to like us and yeah so what does that look like for me what i tell people i think you should be as direct and honest from the very beginning and i think that that's actually very attractive that is different however than sharing your entire childhood pain to a stranger
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So that's not the honesty I'm talking about. Someone has to kind of earn that information. And I don't think it's appropriate to share everything like that with a stranger. I think that has to go a little bit more slowly. There's a progression to getting to know someone.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's like you know someone, then you're getting closer and then you're sharing a little, then you're starting to open up and be vulnerable. You don't have to do that on the first date. But in terms of honesty of what it is that you really want, what it is that you really need, I think right from date one.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
This becomes more complicated in when you're actually in a relationship. You know, I spent many years not really telling the truth. I've worked with many couples where there's a lot of love, but they weren't telling the truth. Fear of not being enough, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection. This is where rejection really is intense when we already love the person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Fear that we might disappoint our partner. Fear that they will never look at us the same way. Fear that they will resent all of that. And these are very real. But withholding the truth is what becomes the sickness in the relationship. And I always say, you don't just have the hard conversations for you or for your partner. You do it in service of love. You do it in service of the relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Because one of the biggest mistakes that people make in dating, like I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this. But you're texting with someone, you're kind of excited, you feel like there's a vibe. And then you go out and you're like, oh, I don't feel spark or I'm not into it. And then there's this, people then get into learned helplessness.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
When two people in a relationship have the mindset, since we've been using that word, have the mindset of, I'm going to protect our relationship. That's the priority. Sure, you're a priority. I'm a priority. But what we are building together, that's our baby. Like that's the priority.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And so if it means having to have really uncomfortable conversations, if it means having to say something instead of going into what's familiar, which is stuffing it down, then becoming resentful and then hating your partner for it. It's like whenever we have a higher purpose, whenever we feel like there's something that we're working towards, right? We will do what it takes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
We'll climb that mountain. We'll transcend that ego. We'll transcend our fears because we're doing it in service of something greater than ourselves. And in a relationship, your relationship has to be the thing that's greater than the two of you. That's the encouragement that I want to have people to have to tell the truth because it really sucks when you don't. It's very hurtful.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Well, it depends on what the withholding or the lies are about. Sometimes it's you're withholding a truth of just how you feel. And that's like not as much of a betrayal to the other as it is to oneself.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Which is I'm not I'm not speaking up I'm not telling you how this landed in my body for me and how angry I am at you Because no one will lie to you more than you lie to yourself And so a big part of telling the truth begins with telling the truth to ourselves Because oftentimes we don't want to look at it. It's hard. We suppress it. We don't want to express it But how do you repair from that?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And when they go into learned helplessness, they're like, you know, it's the why me, this is never going to happen. It's this state that I am in is permanent. Like I will never find anyone. No, dating is really an opportunity for you to practice your social skills. Social skills are things that most people are not that great at, honestly, even the people who think that they're really great at it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Well, again, it depends. Maybe you need a third party understanding, you know, what exactly, what were the boundaries that were crossed to what degree, how much can you find compassion for the person when they were withholding the truth? How much can you see that it actually wasn't personal and that it was just something that they were doing because they were afraid that
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You repair with a lot of listening, a lot of communication and possibly with a third party. But yeah, it's not easy. And it depends on the degree of, again, if it's actually a betrayal or it's, this is hard, but we have to learn to not take so many things so personally.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Because oftentimes, and I'm not talking about infidelity and things that are really detrimental to the sanctity of a relationship. Yeah. But oftentimes people are doing that and they just were too afraid. It's like, well, why didn't you tell me how you feel? You have to tell me how you feel. And yes, you kind of do. And you have every right to feel sort of like a mini betrayal from that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Like, how can I show up for you? How can I be in this relationship if you don't tell me how you feel? And that's very valid. But if the other person can say, you're right, I was afraid. This is what I was afraid of. And then two people are really starting to tell the truth. And now we're really getting into the deep stuff and getting vulnerable.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And a number of years.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But it begins with you because there's something that has to change in you as well. Because if there's something going on in the dynamic and you love this person and it's a good relationship otherwise, you are contributing in some way, whether you know it or not, to them not feeling comfortable to telling the truth.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Like people come, they come to a couple's counseling, a couple's therapy, they sit down and inevitably both people are thinking, fix the other person so that I can be okay in this relationship. When really it's when we change ourselves, we actually can influence the relationship and the change in the other. Not always, but a lot of the times we can.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
If you have the belief, they just need to change and be fixed and we're going to be okay. Yeah. You are in for a run for your money because that's actually not true. Like maybe they do have to change more than you, but there are things that you need to change in this dynamic as well.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
That's another lie we tell ourselves.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It takes a lot to really talk to someone and not interview them and actually be curious about them. You know, a lot of people are nervous. So practice breathing and being comfortable in your body. And getting to know someone and who knows, maybe you make a friend and maybe you never want to see that person again, but at least you're practicing.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
If you want your partner to change, we're getting into sticky territory. You have to accept your partner for who they are, but also you can have the expectation that they want to grow. And look, I mean, if we're not growing in a relationship, meaning trying new things together and also separately, you know, following our dreams in some way or, you know, even in our own personal lives, just...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
being willing to pick up a book or try a new thing, the relationship's going to get very boring. I mean, that's really what we're trying to do in so many ways in a relationship is how to combat, in a long-term relationship, how do we combat boredom? And really it starts with, are we boredom? becoming more interesting? Are we growing? Are we trying new things?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Not just are we doing new things together, but are we doing things individually? But if you fundamentally think that your partner needs to completely change who they are, you're not with the right person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But if you can accept them for who they are, but also want them to evolve and change certain things about themselves, look, many people will have to come to a moment where they ask themselves, is this enough? You know, like, can I tolerate this? And all I would say is no one is perfect. Everyone's growth is ultimately their own business, their own evolution, their own business.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And people grow in different ways. But if you want an apple, then you have to sit under an apple tree, not sit in like a pear tree. And then expect the apple to come down. So you have to know who your partner is fundamentally and be okay with that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Not your core ones, no.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes, it is. Or, you know, but always know that like, you know, there's no one who's actually perfect.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So the three biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps and not actually expanding your circle and doing new things and letting certain things unfold organically. Number two, impatience. Number three, just sort of high expectations. But I want to add another one if I can.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You know, that does not exist. And I think that, I do think that people know that intellectually, Jay, but I don't, but I still think that a lot of people expect perfection in others. You know, one mistake that many people have made is,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's okay that I'm flawed, but unconsciously I'm looking for this person who's so perfect, who's going to actually make up for the deficits that I have in my personality and make up for the deficits that are actually inside of me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And not listening to themselves.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Number one, the person who treats you well. And that doesn't mean, I think that, you know, when we're in a relationship for long enough, we will unconsciously hurt each other's feelings. And sometimes we will, even the most mindful of us, will behave or say something or do something that's not filled with a lot of mindfulness. You know, we'll act unconsciously.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
but fundamentally you want the person who treats you well, who respects you, who you feel good around. You feel like you can safely express an opinion. You feel like you can be yourself with them. That's so important. I think that is probably one of the most underrated things criteria for choosing a partner is, can you really be yourself with them?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I'm not talking about be your bad self, your lower self with them, but can you actually be who you are? Do you feel comfortable in your skin when you're with this person? Or do you have to hide parts of yourself so that they can accept you. So I think that's the most important thing. And so someone with whom you share values, someone with whom, can you agree on what a life well lived is?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Because you can have, there can be a wonderful connection with someone, but to them, they want to live a nomadic lifestyle. And you're like, no, no, no, I want to root and have children. Like, It's not going to work. You might have a great love affair, but you're never going to work long term. So agreeing on what a life well lived is, there's some compatibility and just in terms of core values.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
People get into these very long, I mean, when I say long, like weeks, texting exchanges with these people. And it gives them a false sense of intimacy. Oh, I have this amazing connection. They never even met the person. And then maybe they never meet. Don't do that. text a little bit back and forth like a day and make a date to either meet on FaceTime, Zoom, or in person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I think that's incredibly important because when in the duration of your relationship, things get really hard. Life happens. Family members die. maybe illness happens, money, whatever it is, it's your values. It's not your sex life. It's your values, like as you were saying, that it's not attraction or chemistry. It's your values that are going to really keep you together.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And I think it's, you know, that person who... If you had to be stranded on a desert island, like that would be the person you'd want to choose. And that's how you know.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And all their little eccentricities that annoy you and like maybe they're not as neat in the kitchen as you would like or maybe they're not exactly the height or, you know, maybe they've got some stuff that like you can go down a list and be like, that's not my preference. Those are the things you need to tolerate and accept. Yeah. Because they have the other things of values.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You enjoy being touched by them. You enjoy kissing them. Like there's attraction there. You agree on what a life well lived is. And you really feel comfortable being who you are when you're with them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You really should go about it as if your time is too precious to waste texting back and forth with a stranger who may not be available.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I don't know. I think that's a story that people tell themselves. Why do we do that? What I've seen is we've made some poor choices and so that we look back at that person and we romanticize them and pedestal them and actually see them maybe better. than what they were better for us. And so we get into our heads and we romanticize them. So I'm not quite sure.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
What I do know for sure is that if you tell yourself that story, well, then you're just like sealing your fate, that there's just no one else out there for you. And to me, that's part of the whole romanticism theory that keeps us very stuck in suffering.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I know.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's quite manipulative, isn't it?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah, for a month or more. And then you're getting all excited. I understand like the thrill of it and it's exciting, but it's such a waste of time, honestly. You know, meet the person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah. I love talking about this because I'm someone, I tend to lean sort of intellectual. And when I am not centered, I leaned as a lot of people do. And a lot of women these days anxious. So I can get like very like ruminating, analytical and all that. So I feel very equipped. And also I, when I work with so many people, I mean,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
the stories that they tell themselves about themselves and about their partner, that's not rooted in the truth because they're not communicating. I mean, it's the stories in our heads that ruin relationships. So how do we get out of our heads? Well, we start telling the truth and we start communicating. Like that's like the low hanging fruit, like build enough self-awareness
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And this takes practice where you can say, oh, I'm in my head right now. I am getting lost in a story right now because it's a habit. And some people really have a bad habit of getting lost in such a story about another person and then get themselves so worked up. And so what you have to do is keep practicing. That's that storyteller in me right now. That's a storyteller.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Maybe something else is true. Could something else be true? Let me communicate. Getting out of our heads is also getting in our bodies. So exercise, movement, breath work, going for a long walk, having a long healing process. conversation with a friend, doing something where you're social. If we're too much in isolation and we're spending too much time with ourselves, we're too much in our heads.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So it's a really beautiful strategy to get out of our heads when we see a friend or two, or we even go to something that we're invited to and just, because then our attention is outwardly focused. Like right now, our attention is outwardly focused. Yes, we have to go a little inward to kind of think, you have to go inward to kind of think of the question, right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I have to go a little bit inward to kind of give you an answer. But we're very, because we're having this like conversation, it's just you and me and the lights are on us and the cameras are rolling, we're outward focused. And when we're alone, everything is so inward focused. So moving our bodies is always the easiest, fastest way to get out of our heads. It's really, and it's daily movement.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's like, oh, I'm in my head. I'm going to go for a walk. Oh, I'm in my head. Maybe I have to take a cold shower. Get out of this state. Maybe I have to talk to someone. But it starts with the awareness of, you know, my mind, all of our minds can become battlefields.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Our mind can be a beautiful thing, but if we don't stand guard of our mind, we are going to be in serious trouble and no one is invulnerable to that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Exactly. So true.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah, a little stuck.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah. But you're just kind of like coasting, maybe borderline a little bit bored or complacent. Yeah. So like, let's say this couple has kids. stop making your kids the only focus of your life. You have to, your children actually want you to focus on each other. That's what's gonna be really good.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Like you are benefiting your children's mental health and lives when you are connecting with each other. So that's important. Shake things up a little bit. whether that's individually or together. Go on a date, try something new, bring some novelty, whether that's in the bedroom or completely outside of the bedroom. Take some time to really connect with each other.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Maybe it's sitting down and having a meal and just being like, okay, we're gonna put the phones away and we're gonna really connect. And maybe we're gonna talk about something a little bit deeper today. I had dinner over at a friend's last night and it was so wonderful. We just went into really deep stuff.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I mean, also sprinkled in with a little fun and silly stuff, but we just went into very deep stuff. And it's like, wow, this is so refreshing to be around people where you can be vulnerable and open. And I think couples kind of, you don't want to be doing that all the time because you need a little levity. So this is an interesting thing. As a couple, maybe you have to do a temperature check.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Like, do we need a little bit of levity? Like, do we need a little bit of lightness? Have we been too bogged down with their routines? Are we talking about the relationship too much? And we need to have like some fun. then do something new, do something fun.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Do something that you would have done in the first three months of your relationship, few years in, and watch the change happen in your relationship and build it into your weekly routine or at least your monthly routine. If your relationship is kind of feeling, you're feeling a little disconnected, right? So it's not the lack of levity, but there's the lack of connection. Get vulnerable.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Maybe connect in the bedroom or outside of the bedroom. Have a real heart-to-heart. Maybe do something new that's also very bonding. Touch each other. And I'm not even talking in a sexual way, but are you touching each other? Like, do you put a hand on the leg or on the shoulder? Are you being present with each other? Again, this is the part that's mindfulness.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And it really, sometimes it's so little that has a huge ripple effect. And it's just a matter of, oh, this is what we need. And one of you take the leadership role in that way. Be like, okay, let's do this. I really want to do this. It shouldn't be framed as like, oh, you know, we need this otherwise. It's just like, I would really love this. Wouldn't this be so lovely if...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And sometimes it's just, let me change something in me. Maybe it's not even a conversation with your partner. It's how you're showing up. Maybe you've grown a little complacent towards the relationship, towards your life, towards anything.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Maybe you need to shake things up a little bit inside yourself and bring a little bit more of the part of you because we all have so many different parts to our psyche and our personality. Maybe bring a little bit more of what you brought in the beginning of the relationship now. kind of always does the trick if people are willing.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Well, if they're just in the shock and the pain of just broken up. After that, yeah. Yeah, I would say after that, because in the beginning, it's more just like, how can I survive and who's going to support me, right? But when you're sort of out of that initial shock of pain, you're still hurt and you're still sad, but you're ready to self-reflect.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
One of the hardest things to do, yet most important things to do, and maybe you'll never 100% get clear, is how did I contribute to whatever... did not work, and how did they contribute?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's so hard not to go into the blame game and just blame them for everything and blame ourselves for anything, but true self-reflection when it comes to the end of a relationship is, can I have some clarity around some of the patterns that I have that have contributed to whatever didn't work? And can I get clear about what they did and what their patterns were that really didn't work?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And that's a process and it's a journey of self-reflection, but I think that is absolutely important. So start with what are some of the ways in which maybe I have contributed to what didn't work? Is there something in my self-esteem that needs to be worked on? Is there something that I learned from childhood that maybe isn't working?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And then to add to that is, what did I contribute that really worked? What are my strengths in relationship? Because you have to reflect on that too. How was I really, really loving? Maybe I was too loving to a fault, but I'm still loving. And I'd rather be too loving to a fault than not loving at all. So those are some of the questions that we need to ask ourselves. And these are hard.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I've gone through tremendous heartbreak and just having to go through that. But I was so hell bent on, I don't want this to ever happen again. So what do I have to do? And look, accountability in a relationship works. Wherever the relationship is in the beginning, middle or end is the most important thing.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
If you cannot take responsibility for being another human being in this dynamic, then you are essentially a nightmare to be in a relationship with. And I hate to be so blunt, but it's true. Accountability is everything. It's not about taking all the blame. But we have to be able to own our stuff.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And when two people are doing that, I really think that there's tremendous healing that can happen between two people if they're willing to do that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
No one is perfect. Figure out what you can tolerate and what you can't tolerate.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
You don't have to lean on your husband when you're going through a miscarriage. You just lean on your mother and your sister. That was the worst advice that I got from a therapist.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah, a therapist. He said that to me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Very confusing. I understand when you're in a relationship that your partner should not be your only confidant. That it's really important to have some community or other people around you that you go to. Like you don't have to go to your partner for every single thing. You gotta have other sources.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
But if you're going through a miscarriage and you can't lean on your partner, to me, that sounds insane. But I think her intention was don't lean on him for everything. And so I took that on as, oh, my God, I'm being too dependent or being too codependent. And it was very confusing. And it was only later on when I started to do this work.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
where I recognize that that was the worst piece of advice I've ever received ever from anyone. Especially in that situation. Especially in that situation. And I could not disagree with it more. That's exactly who you should be leaning on. And it's exactly who you should feel safe leaning on.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Save yourself. And choose someone who's going to have your back while you do that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
What I will say first, because I think this is important, I don't, in the book, I do say if you were sexually abused or terribly abused, I would no way tell someone to make peace with their parent. What I would encourage them to do is to figure out how to become the hero of their story rather than just the survivor.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
even if you never speak to their parent again, you have to figure out a way to question the story that you have about them so that you are looking at them and thinking of them through the lens of your adult self and not your child self. Because if you don't, that is going to infiltrate your romantic life and cause you a lot of problems. I wish that was one word, but it's a tough one.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I know I'm going to say something and then later I'm like, oh my God, I'm going to change that. One Laura. Oh my God. Letting go is so much easier than clinging. Letting go is so much easier than clinging. It's really hard, but your life will be so much better. than clinging if you learn to just let things be.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Thank you so much for having me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Thank you. You too.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's one thing to be rejected by the person you love. It's another thing to be rejected by a stranger who you don't know. This is just human nature. We go on dates. Even if we're not into the person, we want them to be into us. Right? Or like we find them, let's say we find them attractive. And then we find out, wait, you're not into me. You don't find me attractive.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yeah, but life really, the quality of our lives is very much determined by how well we can confront rejection. Like you're not going to be for everyone. And I really believe this with all of my heart and soul.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
If someone is not into you for whatever reason, like let's say you're in the early dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're not feeling a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not for you. I can guarantee that. So it's important to build that resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it makes a person more attractive. Second of all, it's just part of life.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And I know that it's like you're putting yourself out there, but I wish there was like a magic pill that I could give people to just get over it. But you have to become more resilient when it comes to that. You know, you can't be hiding behind text and not actually meet the person. It sounds hard, but you have to be stronger than that. Honestly, you really, really do.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And you have to just trust that like you're not for everyone and not everyone's for you. And yes, it's awkward. And maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of it all, you know, but you still have to if you want love and you want a relationship, you You have to go for it. You can't just be passive.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Number one is there is no, the one. there really isn't. I mean, we actually choose who the one is. And this is, this is really, really important. Love, as I'm sure you know, is a choice. Like it's a feeling for sure, but we're so conditioned to believe that love is just a feeling as opposed to a choice. And
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
you're going to have to make that choice many, many times throughout your relationship, which is I choose you, right? So people want to rush it. And so what they do and what I've done is that we lie to ourselves. And it's also because we've been lied by society that there is, and romanticism, that there is this one person who's going to come into your life.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And rescue you and make your life better. And that once you find that person, like everything becomes easier. And I'm certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships. But the more challenges you've had in relationships, the less that you've been modeled. what it is to actually really love someone.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
The more you are going to be challenged to overcome and transcend old things and old patterning to actually love someone and to do love, where it's a verb and not just a feeling. So how do we slow it down and we just want to rush it? It's about acknowledging that feeling. So a lot of people they meet, there's chemistry. And I know that this was me. I think if there's chemistry, then this is it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
As opposed to, well, maybe in the past there's been chemistry and I haven't had chemistry with the right people. So maybe I need to slow down a little bit and sort of process my enthusiasm. And it's not about, I don't want anyone to, I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. Like all that stuff is really fun in the beginning. But you want to just say, okay, hold on. What am I feeling right now?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. If someone is not into you, they absolutely are not for you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
This feels really good. This is really exciting. But I need to slow down because I actually need to uncover this person's character. I need to uncover their values. I perhaps need to get a little bit clearer on what it is that I need, what it is that I value, and what it is that I really, really want. Not just my preference, but what do I need in order to function in a relationship?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Do I have some understanding of myself? You know, it's difficult. Women, childbearing age, societal pressures, get married. I understand I have nothing but compassion for that. The more that I can stress that who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your entire life. And we are meant to kind of get it wrong.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And some of us get it wrong for a longer time than others, right? But it is the most important decision. So if you're going to rush that, you're really truly doing yourself a disservice. And you have to get comfortable with the fact that, yes, you're scared. You're scared to be alone. You're scared to not be loved. You don't want to be in the dating world. I get all of that. Be mindful of it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Connect to that within yourself and remind yourself always that who you decide to spend your life with might be one of the most important decisions, if not the most important decision, because there's no one in your life who's going to have a bigger impact on your overall well-being and emotional state than the person who you choose to spend your life with.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
So you've got to take that decision very seriously and not rush it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Agree 100%. Agree 100%. It's so hard when you're dating someone
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
It's the why me, this is never going to happen. People then get into this learned helplessness. This state that I am in is permanent.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
Yes. And many of those people might think, yes, it's easier when I'm single, but they're actually afraid to go back to it. And that's why they stay in these relationships because we fear the unknown.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I'm going to give you some theories. And there are theories shared by many. But one thing that I say is that if anyone truly understood 100% the answer to that, they would win the Nobel Peace Prize. Right? Because everyone has these theories and they're good theories and they're rooted in psychology.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
I really want to put out there that no one truly has the answer to that, but there's some really good theories. So one theory, when someone is not paying as much attention to us, that could trigger attraction. And one of the reasons is, well, maybe they are like, maybe there's something really special about them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
And so we put them on a pedestal and where we are on the spectrum of our self-esteem impacts that greatly. So if we are on the lower end of self-esteem, then we are going to meet people often and think that they are better than us. if our self-esteem is on the healthy level, then we kind of are like, well, I'm not better than anyone else. And no one's really better than me. We are all one, right?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And so we meet someone, they're amazing, we're attracted to them, and we unconsciously project our ideal, the ideal of what we think a partner should be onto this person. And we put them up on a pedestal. And then, and this is a little, this is, I'm deviating a little bit why we stay in relationships where we're mistreated. I want to get back to that.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But this is, then we get to know each other and things get real. And we think. And again, it's usually an unconscious thought. We think, this person is not as perfect as I thought they were. What happens to the person who's on the pedestal? Whenever you're on a pedestal, you are inevitably going to become the fallen hero because you're going to fall off the pedestal.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And then things start to get real and they start to nitpick. And you're not living up to my expectations. And a lot of people break up at that moment. Why? All because they had unrealistic expectations about love and about people and about partnership. And that's something that they have to resolve within themselves.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because the transition from the honeymoon phase to the more committed stage of the relationship, things get really real. And when things get really real, that's when you have to That's when the mirror is in front of you and you're seeing, oh, all those things that I was working on, why is this coming up now, right?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's like, okay, this stuff is coming up right now because you're still human and there's still things coming up and you're going to see it in them. The beauty is, can you talk about it? And the beauty is also how judgmental are you? Because there's people, there are some people who are just, their expectations are too high and they're too, they have no tolerance for imperfection.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
No one is.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Exactly. Because they have, again, this unconscious blueprint of someone is supposed to be perfect and bring and make up for the imperfection that lives inside of me.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And the thing is, you think, oh, that's a toxic person. No, this lives inside of us, all of us at some point in our lives. because we've been conditioned by this idea of romanticism and the perfect person, and I'm gonna meet this person who's going to make up for, you know, They're going to love me exactly for who I am. And they're going to come in and they're going to heal me.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Again, most people know intellectually that that's not how it goes. But we do. We think this. We romanticize as the one. We all long for someone who's going to love us almost in the way that a parent has loved us. And then our flaws are going to be irrelevant. And they're going to be flawless. So getting back to why do people stay in relationships where they're mistreated? Well, I mean, self-worth.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
not feeling like they deserve more, naivete, not understanding that that's actually not how you're supposed to be treated. You're supposed to be treated with kindness and respect always. Sure, you might have arguments and it gets a little bit heated, but there should always be a baseline of kindness and respect and politeness, honestly. Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
So yeah, but people stay because also they saw maybe their parents in something unhealthy. They don't think that they, they don't see their worth enough to be treated well. And they keep seeing in the person, the potential of who they were. You know, this person was so amazing and now they're not. And so they're so attached to that.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And then they think, you know, real low self-esteem will have a person asking themselves, What did I do to bring this out in this person?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Blaming themselves.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, many, many years ago, many years ago, over 20 years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who was very abusive. I've never been in a relationship that has been abusive since. I mean, definitely I've been in relationships, I've been in beautiful relationships, and I've been in relationships where maybe, where definitely I was not treated at the level that I want to be treated.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But that we have to differentiate that from straight up abuse. Not every time you're not, you know, maybe you want to be treated better. That's not the same thing as abuse. So my lowest self-worth was when I was in that relationship.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
One year.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. The first three months or the first couple months were great. And I was very naive. It was just and I it was all attraction and lust. There was nothing. I wasn't, my radar was not up for character. My radar, like even, I remember asking my friend who knew him, what do you think? She was like, I think that he might be really complicated with women. And I was like, challenge accepted.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I'm going to solve this. I'm going to be different. It's going to be different with me. Like, yeah. Why do women,
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I think it's more, I'm going to be the one who inspires him to change. And so therefore- You can't change anyone now. No, of course not.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because it's depicted in films. I mean, how many, how many movies are there out there where there's like the bad boy and the, and he changes, he softens.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
He becomes a better man.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I believe most of us is... There's a lot of conditioning that is happening. There's also childhood. You know, maybe for that woman, that father was very emotionally unavailable. And so she's able to then be with someone who's never going to be able to meet her needs. It also depends on who the broken man is. If the broken man is very masculine seeming, he's not truly. So there's a misconception.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
A false masculinity. So maybe he's big and muscular. Maybe he's tough.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Well, maybe he's just the guy who she thinks that if anyone's going to mess with me, he's going to protect me. And so she's drawn to that. But what she does not realize yet is that someone who's broken and disconnected from themselves is absolutely nowhere close to who he is as a man. And it will never actually protect her. In fact, he will take from her rather than give to her.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, I'll take it. He won't be safe. Anyone who's broken, regardless of gender or how you identify it, you're not safe. You've got to heal some stuff within you. You don't have to be perfect. But yeah, so The Broken Man, I mean, it's like that phenomena of women who fall in love with men in jail who've committed horrific crimes. There's an amazing book, and I...
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I'm embarrassed that the author is escaping me, but I will name the title, and it's The Women Who Love Too Much. They get into these relationships with men who are deeply, deeply, deeply traumatized men who are... Essentially... Everything exists on the spectrum, right? So getting into a relationship and thinking, I will be the inspiration for his change. I will fix him.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That man could be just like maybe a little bit messed up. And then there's women who get into relationships and they are just like, I'm going to be a rehabilitation center. But men do that too, you know? Men do that too.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Well, it usually starts with childhood. Maybe their father was an addict. Maybe they saw their mom doing that. Maybe they don't see their worth. And so they figure out a way to be needed in a man's life.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yes, and so he'll never leave me. We really want to enter relationships wanting to be loved, but some of us get into relationships thinking we don't have enough value to be loved, but if they need me, then I will never be left. And so if she gets in and she's fixing him, then he'll form a dependency on her. And then he will never leave.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
This is, and this sounds crazy, but in many ways this plays out, it's very subtle. So I'm very committed to helping people. You don't, you don't want a project. You want a partner and you have to get in touch with your, because there's lots of men who want to rescue the broken bird. You know, there are a lot of men who want to be the hero, right? Because he doesn't see his worth.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But he's like, if I can rescue this person, then she or he will form a dependency on me.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
There's so many challenges with that.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You might be the bigger problem.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Very, very hard. We have so many expectations. So what you're describing is what so many people do, which is, I will change this person. You cannot change a person. You have some options. You either completely accept them as they are, And realize and maybe realize that you yourself are not as evolved as you think you are.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And you accept that maybe they are growing, but they're growing at a different pace. Yeah. And they're not growing the way you want them to grow, right?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Or just don't be with them. It really, it's very important if you can't... It's very important that we grow, but at the same time, we're also always changing. So there's also another conundrum that people face in long-term relationships is, oh my God, you're different. Oh my God, you changed. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That can make someone feel really out of control and feel like, oh my God, are you not going to love me anymore? Are you the same person? You mentioned the word attachment. As human beings, we get attached and we get attached to outcomes and we have expectations.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And the road to less suffering is to have very little expectations and very little attachment to the outcome and to really live and let live. But that's very difficult for us humans, you know? And so going back to, you know, maybe I'm half the problem. No, if you're in a relationship and you are so fixated on your partner, being someone who they are not. You are the problem, not them.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because they can just get into a relationship with someone who's not fixated on changing them and they will have a better relationship. Right, it's true.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And let's let's add something to that, which is and let's even remove the prison part.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. Let's just say because of his quote unquote brokenness, he could never, ever love her the way that she needs to be loved. He cannot meet any of her needs. He's selfish. He's self-involved. He's unable to be there for her, to support her, to make her feel safe, to make her feel loved. Pretty low.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And I think she does not see that she's actually worth being given to. She doesn't understand that love is a two-way street. she is so in the hamster wheel of trying to be enough for the other person. And she's trying to be enough for someone who's actually not even on her level in many ways. So it's pretty, it's pretty low. There's a spectrum. It depends like, you know, is he, how bad is he?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You know what, but, but it's, it's, it's pretty low. I mean, because here's the thing she doesn't, it's, it's also a self-respect thing. It's also seeing it's a self-acceptance thing. And when someone is with someone who is so broken that they are just not treating them well, not meeting their needs, what's happening in the low self-worth is that she is feeling a disconnect from herself. 100%.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
She's so divorced from her body. So she's divorced from the signs that her body is giving her that everything is all wrong. And she lives inside her head. And we're saying she, but this could be really anyone. She lives inside her head. And all she's fixated on is being enough for this other person or making sure that this person never leaves them. That's pretty low.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Again, there's a spectrum to this, but it's pretty low.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yes, because there's so much here that I want to touch on.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yes. And we're going to go into a deep dive into that. But first, I want to say something. This idea that you have to be two fully whole, healed people to come together to form a healthy relationship is not true. And it's actually, we cannot, we can't continue to spread that. We wanna be healing.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You wanna be a work in progress. You wanna be self-aware. You wanna be working on your stuff. And you want to do that with someone who wants to do that with you too.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And they're not, absolutely.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. And sometimes what that is, is literally like, what am I doing in the relationship? to communicate more.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, it takes so much courage. It's not just what am I doing in the therapy office. What am I doing when I'm sitting on the couch with my loved one, with my partner, and they're having a hard day, and I don't really feel like listening to it. I'm tired, not in the mood. Am I going to kind of lose presence and not pay attention when they're having a hard day because I'm not in the mood?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Or am I going to take a deep breath and show up for my partner even though I'm not in the mood? That's healing. Because in those moments, you're overcoming and you're breaking patterns that you did in the past that did not help your relationship. And you are being a better person inside of the relationship. That's healing.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And you actually gain a stronger sense of self when you do things that are good for you and good for your relationship. When you do things that challenge you, rather than, you know, it's like, the road less traveled, the easy route, you're never going to build your sense of wholeness and your self-esteem. You have to do things that challenge you. It's one of the things I talk about in the book.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You have to do some things that challenge you. And so it's in those seemingly very insignificant moments in a relationship where you're like, oh, I can go this way, which is just like, what I've always done. Or I can go this way even though I'm not in the mood. I'm going to make the choice to go this way. And you feel better about yourself because you've transcended something in yourself.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And then that's healing. That healing is happening there. So this idea that some people definitely need a timeout and they need to do work on themselves. I know you did that. I mean, lots of people have to do that. I've done that. Plenty of people I've said, you are not ready to be in a relationship. You are not ready. But other people, it's like, okay, you're ready enough.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And the rest you're going to have to do when you're with the person because you learn, because... We how can we build our sense of self-esteem and self-worth and self-acceptance if we're not bouncing off the reflection of other people and how they see us? We know we don't exist in a vacuum. So people often ask me, well, how do you know you're ready? How do you know you've healed enough?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
How do you know you're ready for a relationship? Well, I mean, there's a lot of when you were number one, when you realize that there is no the one. You choose who the one will be, and you're going to have to make that choice many times throughout your relationship.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because if you're thinking 10, 20, 30, 40, the rest of your life with someone, you could love them and you can have a great relationship, but you think there's not going to be days where you actually have to choose love? Of course. You're ready for a relationship when you realize there is just no one who's perfect. And you are going to have to decide.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You have to know what is tolerable versus what is intolerable. Because you have to have a lot of tolerance. Because we are complex. We can be highly annoying. We can be highly weird. We've got our stuff. We've got neuroses. We've got our stuff. What are your deal breakers? What's absolutely intolerable? And can you tolerate the rest?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
impressive, beautiful, long-lasting relationships, they are not judgmental. They're not tolerating garbage from the other person. Yeah, disrespect. No, no, no, no. But they're just not judgmental of all the other stuff.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Not everyone is. I mean, well, you start with being less judgmental of yourself. The people who are hardest on themselves tend to be the hardest on others. And then, yeah, so you have to check it. You have to have a lot of tolerance. You have to keep, it's all, it all begins with self-awareness. Your awareness of yourself, like, oh, am I doing that thing again? But yes,
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
As you heal, do you feel more whole? Absolutely. Do we ever feel 100% whole? I don't know. I think that we have so many different parts to ourselves. The goal is to be less fragmented, but I don't know if we're ever going to be 100% healed. But yes, as we heal, we feel more centered. Another word for that is more integrated, more whole, all of that. And
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
We want to, everyone is kind of drawn to a similar level of consciousness. So if you really are more integrated, you know, you've got your stuff and you've got your wounds, but you're generally, you're more integrated person. Like you're connected to your heart because most people live inside their heads.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And it's really quite rare these days to find someone who lives more inside their hearts and is truly emotionally available. I think we have a little bit of an epidemic of people in here and emotionally unavailable. And I'm seeing that a lot in people who are dating. It's like no one's emotionally available. It's like, yeah, we're really struggling.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
There are some people, this is taking it full circle to your first question about investment. There are some people who are going to be emotionally unavailable to you because they're actually not that into you. They might be attracted to you. They may want to have sex with you. They might think that you're like, you know, cute, lovely, fun, convenient.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But they're not emotionally available to you because they don't feel emotionally bonded to you. So they're actually not that interested. Then there are people who... have real psychological and emotional barriers to closeness and to openness. They live in here. They're psychoanalyzing everything. They have a lot of walls up. Maybe they have a lot of relationship trauma.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
They were hurt in the past, so the walls are up. And they want to be discerning, but really, no one can really get through to them. Some people, they grew up in a home where they didn't talk a lot about emotions. And so that's very difficult for them. But there's a difference between someone who's really present with your emotions and maybe is difficulty emoting themselves, but they're trying.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Like you give them that feedback and they're trying. That's very different than someone who's just not emotionally reachable and you just, you can never go deep with them. And every time you want, like, you know, you're with someone who's either not into or emotionally unavailable when you're seeing them for a few weeks and you're like, okay, I want to take this a little bit deeper.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I want to talk about deeper stuff. I want to share. I want to be vulnerable. They're not vulnerable. They're not willing to be vulnerable with you. And they're not particularly receptive to your vulnerability.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
What relationship should be investing in or the people in it?
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Okay. That's a great question.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That's a great question.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Learning how to communicate better. So that might mean just buying some books on communication.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Every tool needs to be put to use. So none of these things are going to, you know, you have to practice. You have to learn the communication skills and put them into practice.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Better listening. Starts always with being a better listener. Talking less, listening more.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Number two, understanding that we don't just communicate with our words. We communicate with our body language. We communicate non-verbally all the time. So being attuned to really paying attention to what's going on with your partner, even when they're not directly telling you.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, you'd put that at number one. Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
In all forms.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, all of that.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You know, you want to be a great partner. Master your partner. You want to be a great person in a relationship? Master your partner. Know their emotional highs and lows. Know their triggers. Know if they're menstruating. Know when that time of the month is and what that means to them emotionally. No, become a master of your partner and two people who are doing that.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And what that means is you are so a master, not a master over them, but you are, they are like, they are a piece of art that you have really, that you understand like the back of your hand.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, you paid attention. So you're so attuned to your partner that when they're sad, you know it. When they're happy, you know it. When they're communicating to you non-verbally, like, hey, everything okay here? Like, you know them. You know what they love. You know what they hate. You know what makes them happy. You know what makes them miserable.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
If you don't know these things about your partner, you know what their needs are. You know exactly what they need to feel loved. You know what they need to feel safe. You know what they need... to feel important. People get into relationships and they don't study each other and know each other.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I mean, the amount of times I've worked with couples where they didn't know what the other person needed. And yes, there is, again, paradox. We have to say what it is that we need. We can't expect mind. But we also have to be interested in what the other person needs. We have to be curious.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
OK, so the third tool is so those are the communication to learn the communication. It could be therapy. It could be couples work, you know, and maybe it's not maybe it's not the classic traditional couples work. Maybe you do some, I don't know, a tantra workshop together, you know, anything that's going to bond you in some way. So I think tools where you're doing some couples work together.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Maybe it's doing a workshop together. Maybe it's doing a trip together. Maybe it's anything that's going to deepen your bond and take it to another level. Really, really, really important.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. So you have to keep mastering them.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Uh-huh. Well, then you get what you tolerate in life. Then your relationship will be maybe good. If you want it, great. These are the things you got to do. It's really your choice. It's your choice. Our lives are based on the decisions that we make. No one, we're not guaranteed the relationship that we want. No one owes you a great relationship. It's based on the choices that we make.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You can be a great person who's also, you could be the perfect catch. You're not owed the relationship. You have to make the right choices to make a relationship strong and wonderful. And you think of that as too much work. I don't know. I'd be curious to know how they approach the rest of their lives if they think that way. You know it's a lot of work staying up at night arguing.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, you know it's a lot of work waking up in the morning anxious and feeling so disconnected from your partner. You know it's a lot of work trying to change your partner. You know it's a lot of work trying to be enough for your partner constantly because they don't ever acknowledge you. To me, that's exhausting. The other stuff, fun.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I am.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I don't have a scarcity mindset I have in the past. I don't anymore. It's like the older I get, the less fearful I become with scarcity.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, I just don't really think about it.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's really weird. And that's why I like to help women like not put so much energy into, I want you to want a relationship. I believe in relationships. I believe in partnership. I think overall we live longer if we're in a good relationship. But man, is your life going to be cut short if you're in a bad relationship? So I think, you know, but I really, really think that people need to
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You can want a relationship and still love your life, not in a relationship. And I think that's very, very important.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
then you can be careful because no one will lie to you more than yourself. So be careful that you're not lying to yourself when you're like, you know, I would like a relationship, but then you go into, oh, but it's that story of, oh, it's going to be too difficult. It's going to be so stressful. As long as, you know, You can say, I'm loving my life right now. I really don't need a relationship.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Or I just need little affairs here and there, like little adventures here and there. Just don't lie to yourself. If it's, you know what, someone coming in is just going to be exhausting and blah, blah, blah. And that's because you've associated relationships with pain because of your past. Then you're tethered to an old story that's actually controlling you.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And you are not really the conductor of your own life in that regard. But if it's truly authentic, then stay single.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I'll get to that in a moment. But you first said, like, what's my biggest fear? I think it's the same thing. Like, I was a yoga teacher for many years. And so I got hit on a lot, you know? Yeah, yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
As a teacher. Yeah. Yeah. As a teacher.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, it was just, there were crushes developed, right? Which is normal because I'm sort of like in a position like, you know, but again, the pedestal, I've been put on many, many pedestals, which when I was younger, I enjoyed because I thought that's great. Yeah. When I became wiser.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, exactly. But when you become wiser, you realize if you're on a pedestal, you're not being seen for who you are. You're being seen for who they want you to be. And so, you know, oh, she's a yogi. She's a teacher. She's got the glasses. I mean, it's the whole thing. It's like she's grounded. She has it together. And, like, yes, of course, like, all those things are true. And I'm also flawed.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And I've got trauma. And, like, I'm, like, really quirky. And, and, and, and, and, you know. So I guess my biggest fear as a relationship coach is a really amazing man being, I don't want being intimidated or thinking like, oh, she's a relationship coach. Like, what's that going to be like? Because who I am in a, like, I don't wear a relationship coach hat in my relationships.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
No, I'm not more. Yeah, exactly. I'm really messed up. I'm just Jillian, right? I'm Jillian, the partner, Jillian, the girlfriend, Jillian, the lover. Like I'm just not, I, I don't analyze the people who I'm in a relationship with at all. So I don't, I don't, I don't want to.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, for sure.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Totally. But I don't, but I don't want to be like, I want to be in a relationship with someone who has a few things to teach me and not the other way around. Yeah. Yeah. So that's my fear. So the kind of relationship that I want values, I mean,
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, my God, never. So here's something that I was saying yesterday that I think will speak to the value part, which is in the past, like in my ex-marriage, a lot of what inspired the writing of this book, There was a few incidents, but one that really is like etched in my brain that I go into detail in the book where there was his tendency would be to kind of shut down and kind of shut down.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Avoid. Avoid and shut down and just kind of like not tell me what was bothering him. So instead I had to guess it. And that was very much like my father. And because of that, there are just, and it would sometimes happen to a degree where it was really not nice. Really not nice.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
No, before the marriage. This was before.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because 90% of our relationship was great. 10% was very problematic. The 10% that was problematic was really big. And I was too afraid to look at it. Yeah, I learned a lot. Hence why I'm here, right? Yeah. If you can't tell me when you're upset with me or you're going through a hard time or you're just upset, you can't communicate on that base level. You don't have a shot with me.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I don't care how perfect it is for six months. You're gone.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You cannot do that. You can do it for two seconds and then immediately take responsibility because the shutting down and not being able to simply tell me what you're feeling is just not... It goes back to one of the three skills you talked about, the tools, learning how to communicate better.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That's emotional intelligence. That's totally fine. That's totally fine. You're communicating with me. You're in touch with what's going on in your body. You don't want to say anything that you would regret. You need some alone time to just regroup. I'm perfectly reassured that you're going to come back, that you're not running away. All good.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
What a lot of women do, and also some men do, would be like, no, we need to talk about it right now. They protest. You can't do that. You can't do that. No, no, no. That's a recipe. You can't do that. So that's something that you have to find. If that, for example, is causing you a lot of anxiety... You have to respect that because that's actually really good.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That's someone taking care of themselves and the relationship as well.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But I love you. I'm just triggered right now. I don't want to say something that I'm going to regret. I'm not shutting down. I promise. I just need a couple hours and then we will talk about it. Then that person who maybe is feeling like, oh my God, anxious, then they have to self-suit. Then they have to call a friend. They have to call a family member. This is really uncomfortable.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Please remind me that everything is okay. I need to breathe. I maybe have to go for a walk. I have to do something for me. Remember me, you. You have a life that actually has nothing to do. You have a life outside of this partnership. Go tend to it. go tend to, it's going to be really uncomfortable.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And it's going to, especially for the anxious person, it's going to be extremely counterintuitive, but you got to go do that because you have to keep reminding yourself that you are a whole person without this person and that they actually just communicated. They didn't do, you know, they didn't just disappear, which by the way, would make anyone anxious.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That's, that's very high risk, um, relationship behavior. But it's also high-risk relationship behavior to not allow the space when someone has been very reassuring to you.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
So you have to go then take care of yourself, work on a project, get your mind on something that is not just about the love and the partnership and something that reminds you in that moment of who you are and what your purpose is and the things that are meaningful to you. This is not easy. That's why the more wounded we are, the harder the work it is going to be in a relationship. It just is.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But I don't want that to discourage you. I wanted to just encourage you to do it and encourage you to choose partners who are going to be in it with you and to stop choosing the partner who's always rejecting you and who's just not right for you. That's driving you deeper and deeper into your own pathology and making you miserable.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Who you choose matters. It's like more than half the battle.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely. Who you spend your life with. Because the person who you spend your life with is going to have the greatest impact on your overall well-being. They just are. You can't, I mean, you become in many ways, you're two people, but you also in many ways become one.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely. It's who you spend the most time with.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yes. But then you also have to, you know, realize no one's response. Like your partner can make you smile and they should. You know, often your partner can make you laugh and I think they should often. And they can make you feel good a lot of the time and they should. But you knew there was a but. No one can fulfill you. No one single human being can fulfill you.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Fulfillment comes from various sources and various people who we interact with, but they can't actually fill that emptiness inside of you.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
No. Love is not enough because of love, because people rarely end their relationships because of a lack of love. They end because they don't feel seen. They end because they feel misunderstood. They end because of resentment. Lots of people break up and say, I love this person, but I can't seem to make it work out with them.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Love is not enough because eventually the clouds will come in and it will cover the sun of love. And what we are left with is, you know, can we communicate? Can we relate to each other? Can we understand each other? Can we collaborate? Can we repair? I think that love is often the fuel that makes us want to do all of that. But again, sometimes you're not feeling so in love with your partner.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And it often has nothing to do with them. We make the mistake that if I'm not feeling head over heels in this moment, that it's something in them. When really it's you. You're stressed out. You're feeling disconnected from yourself. You haven't gotten enough sleep. You're not eating well. It's you. And the ultimate form of self-awareness, relationally speaking, is...
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I understand that when I'm feeling off, the way that I see the world and the people in it, which includes my partner, is going to be a little bit skewed. Let me go reorient myself and get centered so that I can actually see people as they are.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Okay, so when someone is invested in you, like if you're starting to see someone, they actually are interested in you as a person. They want to know your story. They want to know the things that make you happy. They want to know the things that make you sad. And they are carving out space in their life for you. Versus someone who's always busy,
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
100%.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, you're off. You're off.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, you're a little unhappy.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You're like suffering a little bit. Yeah, yeah, not bad.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It does.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Even if one person is living in that space, yeah, it's very, it's stress. Let me tell you something. It's to get back to your tools, figure out a way to manage your stress. That's very, very important. Look, sometimes very stressful things happen in life. Like there are legit circumstances that are very difficult, like deaths and stuff and illness and money problems. But more times than not,
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's not what's the stress, it's how we're reacting to the stress. And people think that once their lives become less stressful, that their relationships would get better. When the truth is, once you start reacting to your stress differently, then your relationship will get better.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, that's very different. That's very different.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Resentment. Resentment, you know, which leads them to contempt. Resentment is really bad. And resentment comes because people, there's a couple of reasons. Either they're not speaking the truth, they're not telling the truth, and or their expectations are out of control. Like I expect my partner to just know how I'm feeling rather than for me to express what I'm feeling.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
They should just know if they really loved me.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's the worst. So resentment is a killer. Stress is a killer. It's not a little bit of stress. It's the, like you said, the consistently feeling off, stressed, overwhelmed, and not doing anything about it. Stress changes the way that you see things. It changes your biology. It changes everything. And so stress destroys relationships. So resentment, stress, and other killers of relationship.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I mean, taking each other for granted. Forgetting that your partner is a gift, not a given. The law of familiarity sets in. And we stop getting curious. And we think, oh, I don't have to put in the work. I don't have to show my appreciation. And so that is a huge killer. Because then people, we feel that, right? We don't feel as special anymore. We don't feel seen. We don't feel understood.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's a horrible feeling to feel like we're being taken for granted. Like you don't see the spark in me anymore. You know, you're not grateful for me. You're not appreciative of me.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
not really interested in getting to know you on a deeper level, not really wanting to know your story, not wanting to, not making time to spend time with you. You know, time is such a precious, precious, precious resource for all of us. And most of the time, you know, like if we're not making time for someone, we're not that interested.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, I'm sure.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
100%.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Taking each other for granted, yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Well, there's different reasons. So some people will start to sabotage because the relationship is progressing to a more emotionally intimate stage and they're scared. They're just very scared to get close to someone. They're afraid that they're not going to be enough. They're afraid they're going to be left.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
They're afraid they're going to, maybe they have very low self-worth and they think this person is going to see me for who I am and they're not going to like it and they're going to leave me. Everyone fears the loss of love. And so the sabotage is, let me end this, or let me provoke them to end it so that I don't have to look like the bad guy, or I don't have to get my feelings hurt.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
A lot of women... will test particularly their male partners. They do this same sex relationships too. But particularly their male partners, they'll test to see, do you really love me?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I think it's different.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
No, I think so for women, it's are you safe? It's really what most women are really looking for, particularly. Are you safe? So in other words, like, are you just going to drop me when you see that I'm not perfect? Because there's a lot of.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
cultural, particularly in this country, it's not in all countries, there's a lot of societal pressure on women to be perfect, to look perfect, to act perfect, to not rock the boat. And so if you see that actually, like, if you see my crazy, if you see that I'm flawed, And this is unconscious. Women aren't doing this consciously.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You know, I guess sometimes it's that someone really is busy. But anything that you really want, anything that you really want to know, anything that you really want to acquire, anything that you want to build something with, you're going to make the time. So it's investing time, it's investing energy, and someone really wanting to know you. They're asking questions.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I'm trying to help them to see that it's conscious and to not do that because it's not polite. We shouldn't be doing it, right? It's just not healthy. But we do that because on an unconscious level, because we want to see like, are you still going to love me? Are you still going to protect me when I'm not perfect?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Well, men don't have the pressure that women do to be perfect.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Perfect in different ways.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Well, that's emotionally intelligent. That's new.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That's new.
The School of Greatness
How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, trust me. It's a different level of perspective. Trust me. Every day I'm telling women, like, stop that. I mean, I'm a big advocate for men.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, 100%.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
This is more new, the emotional intelligence thing. That really is a new thing. I think that, you know, we're talking about something that's more historical. And men will test women all the time, but in different ways.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Ah, yeah, they will.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Men do that. But why don't you share? Because men do test women all the time. Why don't you share one way that men test women?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But in the past, when you were not as healthy?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But that's also just her.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I'm not defending the behavior. The behavior sucks. I'm just trying to explain the psychology behind it, right? And so unconsciously, it's, are you strong enough? Is there an out of control, rageful monster inside of you that I need to know about?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Not defending the behavior. I understand. But it's crazy to me.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's absurd. It's like- Without me having to actually find safety within myself and also without understanding that like, so we all need to feel safe in our relationship, but we can't provide safety for the person who we are in. Well, no, we can, but we can't if we don't, if we're not integrated.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Okay, so yes, that, but also I do believe that it is our responsibility in a relationship to provide safety for our partner.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
There's a limit, right? We can't just keep providing safety for someone who doesn't feel safe inside themselves. Yeah, you can't call someone every hour and say- But you can't ask for safety from the person who's not integrated. who's not connected to his or her own body. Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
They want to know about your childhood. They want to know about your hobbies. They want, it's not just, oh, let me vet you to see if you're the right person for me. It's like, I'm actually very interested in you. And that's, I mean, that's attraction. And when we're attracted to someone, we want to do that.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Right. So like you're trying to find safety from the person who has no control over their emotions at all. It's never going to happen.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
So work on yourself emotionally. And choose a partner who's doing the same.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And together.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's usually the other way.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Also, you're not a quitter, right? That's a big part. Is that a big part?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
We're testing each other a little bit all the time.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
At the start.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Listen, couples therapy is a lot more productive and effective when you go preventatively than when you go when things are already messed up.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Absolutely.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I agree.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And then when we start to develop an emotional bond with someone, we want to know even more. And there are some people who are just not investing at the level that you are, you know, they're not putting in.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You were very afraid of their reaction.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yes. And part of actually for men, part of, them finding more strength within themselves is not to be so afraid of his partner's reaction, you know, and just to stay grounded in that conversation.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I know.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And it's been so long and you've been single and you haven't connected in so long. It's very, very hard.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I get it.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You should talk about that more often so that other people... Well, I tell my guy friends this.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because they're probably, they're following, well, what if it's bad? It's like, well, you know, then...
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
So another part of this is, so I was speaking a little bit more to like the beginning stages, but then when things get your, it's like, okay, you're in a really, you're quote unquote in a relationship. You're not taking the time to work on what needs to be worked on inside of yourself and in the relationship to make the relationship wonderful.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You have to like them.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah. You have to like them. Friendship is a very important part of our long-term relationship.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I know.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It happens all the time.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It is exhausting. Absolutely. Look, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I mean, there's a lot of people who think, well, you know, how do I know if we're not having sex? But...
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
There's no guarantees.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
You were testing the waters. You were testing to see like if this is a right match.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
That's a non-starter. It's a non-starter.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, absolutely.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Yeah, it was a very bonding conversation.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Well, you just said something very important because one of the things that is a non-negotiable that I tell people is they have to be okay with your past. If they have any issue with it, whatever it was, they're not for you. Because you can't change the past. It's over. So if they're going to have a hang-up over something that you did in the past...
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
If you have a hang-up over something that they did in the past, then maybe they're just not for you. They're not the right fit. Yeah. They're not the right fit. They're not.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
No, no. You can't hold their past against someone.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
I say it all and people are like, well, people need to grow. It's like, yes, well, that's sort of inevitable, but you need to really accept them for who they are now, not their potential.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And because it really, a relationship is something that is built and it's only as healthy as the two people are behaving in it. So you can't, I think that one of the biggest myths out there is, well, a relationship should just be easy. And I think that there's a fine line. You have to know where you draw the line when something is just too hard.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But you accept it.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But easy? First of all, if relationships were just easy, we would be really bored. We need a little friction. We need friction to grow. We need friction to learn more about ourselves and to learn more about the other person.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And so there are people who don't understand, lots of people, many, many people, because we're not really taught this unless we're modeled this by our parents, that your relationship is really dependent on what you put into it. It really is. And so if someone is not investing, They're not putting in the work to make it great. They're not going out of their way to be a great partner.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
They're not going out of their way to meet your needs. They're not going out of their way to communicate what their needs are. And, you know, maybe that person just thinks, well, I can be in the relationship and just coast. And that's very frustrating for someone whose understanding of relationship is, no, we got to put the work in.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And so you have one person who thinks a relationship should be easy. Another person whose belief system includes, no, a relationship is what we make of it. And then you got a recipe for a clash, you know? And so you can't build it with someone like that.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
How healthy they're behaving in it. Yeah, absolutely.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Let's see, let's take the whole hour, you know, right?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Oh, wow, we got, these are two big subjects. Okay, so here's a reality to life and love. When we start seeing someone and we're attracted to them and they're attracted to us and we're excited about them, We want to seduce them.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And this isn't necessarily, sure there are the people out there who are manipulative and they're gonna do all these games and they're wearing a thick mask and then when the mask comes off, they're a real son of a and they're really, really mean. Those people exist and they're incredibly toxic. But let's just talk about all the rest of us, right?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
So we put our best foot forward because we're trying to, we're marketing. We're in sales and marketing. It's like, how can I present myself to be the best person I can be? And a lot of times, unless it's someone very manipulative, A lot of times the person who we are in the beginning is actually who we are when we are unburdened by stress, monotony, negative moods.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Sometimes it really is our highest self in the beginning. And sometimes it's just like, okay, maybe you're not being as authentic as you need to be. So we do that in the beginning because we want to, it's, it's marketing and sales and we're trying to seduce.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
We want to close the deal and everyone is doing it, whether they're conscious of it or not. It's not that there's no place for that because it's, that's going to happen because oftentimes, because when we're attracted to someone, we're also really excited, right? And we're happy, but it's also important to have really important conversations of, Hey, This is something that I struggle with.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Whether it be like, you know, I get really anxious sometimes. Or sometimes, and I'm working on it, but sometimes I can get depressed. And this is what's going on when I am depressed. This is the support system that I have. But I want you to know that this is something that sometimes rears its head. Like the more real we can be with people in the beginning, the better.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
So I think I answered the first question, didn't I?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But what happens is that, let me go a little further, the masks come off and then we get comfortable. And it's almost like our partner becomes like a family member. And we think, oh, they'll love me anyway. I mean, here's the thing. It's a paradox. On the one hand, you want your partner to see you at your worst and still love you. And you want to see them at their worst and be like, you know what?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
If this is your worst, I love you. On the other hand... There is great value in continuing to be polite. and to be kind and to really do your best to put your best foot forward every day for yourself and for your partner.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
But it's an unrealist expectation that you're always gonna be that because we're human beings and we're complicated and we have negative emotions and sadness and anger, these are all part of life. But where are you living emotionally? That's really what's important. What are you bringing consistently to the table? It's the consistency.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Why do people stay in relationships if they're not being treated well? Is that what you asked? Yeah.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Let's talk about six months in. Sometimes these red flags, and I put that in quotation marks, do only come up about six months in. And it's very difficult because six months in, if you really like someone, the attachment is there. You're already entangled.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's really hard to disconnect. And people, it can be very disorienting. We get, and then we have, you know, even three months of bliss, three to six months of bliss. We now are part, we're living out a dream. We're living out a fantasy of what this could be.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And amazing it's been. And now I don't have to go out into the dating world. And now I can actually build this. And so it's devastating in its own way, in its own right. When six months in, all of a sudden this person is really nothing like who you thought they were.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
It's actually devastating. But you got to be really strong. And if it's... It's one thing if it's like, oh... They're in a bad mood. Maybe they're a little bit cranky. Or maybe you notice something that's a little red flaggy. Then you sit down with them. You don't just say, I'm out. You sit down with them. You say, this is something that concerned me. Can we talk about it?
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
And then it's in that conversation or their willingness to have that conversation that really you're getting to see if they are someone who you can build with. And you are someone who is ready to build. Because it's all in that conversation. Because there's going to be things that are going to come up.
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How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
Because one of the biggest mistakes that people make, I think everyone, if they're honest with themselves, have been guilty of this, is... Many of us on an unconscious level have a blueprint of the kind of relationship we want and the blueprint of the kind of partner we want.