Jillian Turecki is a relationship coach, teacher, writer and author. How do you create a thriving and loving relationship that truly lasts? While many may stumble into one by chance, building a deep and meaningful connection often requires more than luck. So what role does the inner work play in not just finding love, but building a relationship that continues to grow and flourish over time? Expect to learn why having a thriving relationship begins with self-work, why the mind is a battlefield in relationships, why lust is not the same as love, the critical reasons it's important to love yourself properly, why you can’t convince someone to love you, why it's important to make peace with your parents and how to do so, and much more… Sponsors: See discounts for all the products I use and recommend: https://chriswillx.com/deals Get up to $50 off the RP Hypertrophy App at https://rpstrength.com/modernwisdom (use code MODERNWISDOM) Join Whoop’s January Jumpstart Challenge and get your first month for free at https://join.whoop.com/modernwisdom Get a 20% discount on the best supplements from Momentous at https://livemomentous.com/modernwisdom Extra Stuff: Get my free reading list of 100 books to read before you die: https://chriswillx.com/books Try my productivity energy drink Neutonic: https://neutonic.com/modernwisdom Episodes You Might Enjoy: #577 - David Goggins - This Is How To Master Your Life: https://tinyurl.com/43hv6y59 #712 - Dr Jordan Peterson - How To Destroy Your Negative Beliefs: https://tinyurl.com/2rtz7avf #700 - Dr Andrew Huberman - The Secret Tools To Hack Your Brain: https://tinyurl.com/3ccn5vkp - Get In Touch: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/modernwisdompodcast Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is the foundation of a thriving relationship?
It begins with you. They do not have the power. We do. All the disappointment, confusion, and drama of your former relationships can be traced to the universal fear that you are not enough.
Yes. Everything that you do inside of a relationship that you are really confused about that's been maddening to you and to your former partners or anything that... anything that you are questioning, it can be boiled down to the fact that you are afraid that you're not enough for this person. And if you're not enough, that somehow love is going to be taken away from you. Because if we
when we are confronted with that insecurity that we are not good enough in some way, that's when we start to act out all our weirdness inside of a relationship, honestly. And yes, of course, there's childhood, there's conditioning, there's your parents. All these things are influences. But When people are angry, they're afraid. When people are lashing out, they're afraid.
When people are clinging, they're afraid. When people are shutting down, they are afraid. And I started the book and named it, It Begins With You, because no one is going to stand in your way more than you. No one is going to lie to you more than you do to yourself. Same for me. This is just everyone. And it's not about you're the only person to blame. It's not about blame at all.
But if we want to change something, our relationship lives, if we want to change our lives at all, we have to be able to look within and see the ways in which our insecurity gets in the way of a relationship. And we have to see where are also not just our insecurity, but our belief system and our conditioning and the things that happened in childhood.
We are the common denominator in all our relationships. That's actually really good news. Because it means that you can actually change something. This concept is the problem is you. Not necessarily. You know, the problem could very well be the people who you're choosing, but you're choosing them. So you're choosing them. Why?
And so the first principle, the first truth is you have to be willing to look within. And a lot of people are not willing to do that until they are desperate. But it's the only way.
It's interesting, the not enough thing, that it makes... love and attachment and care feel contingent. It feels like if I could be more, if I was able to be dot, dot, dot. And if you listen to a lot of the
discussions on the internet around romance but also around friendships and stuff like that a lot of the time you know it's a hopeful and motivating message to say pick yourself up by your bootstraps outgrow the person that hurt you make yourself better take this uh curse and turn it into a lesson instead of a blessing that it could have been but it wasn't so now you're going to you know alchemize yourself into some better version of you like all of that's fine but but
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Chapter 2: How do insecurities affect relationships?
Yes. And that's, that's a losing strategy. I mean, so much of, if you're reflecting on past relationships that didn't work and, the best thing to do is just to let go and to surrender to the fact that life is about making mistakes and sometimes epic mistakes.
And if you've got someone smart whispering in your ear telling you to take a look at this and see what you can learn from it so that you don't repeat it, that's the best case scenario. Some things just don't work out because it wasn't right. Some things don't work out. Some relationships don't work out because you both were too immature to make it work out.
Sometimes it doesn't work out because, I don't know, like, it wasn't supposed to, you were supposed to learn something. It was supposed to be an experience. Maybe it was supposed to be a love affair instead of it being a marriage. You know, I mean, but this is the thing that we, um, romantic relationships are what, are where we feel most vulnerable.
And there's two worlds. There's two worlds where I think, um, your inner patterns show up in a very unique way. The first one is in relationships and the second one is in business.
Always, yes.
I think James Clear says that starting a business is a vehicle for personal growth masquerading as a wealth-making enterprise.
Yes, I would wholeheartedly agree with that.
I was trying to think about this over the festive period. I guess family, you know, your whatever, birth family is probably a third area as only child living a few thousand miles away from home. That's not something I have to contend with too much. But... Those three areas. And I was thinking at least about the first two, the romantic thing and the business thing about why it's the case.
And I guess it's because there's very few other situations you get yourself into where you're pushed so far. If it was a person on the street, I was in New York only yesterday, and there was a person on the street, obviously in a bit of mental distress, homeless guy. And he's sort of shouting and talking and pointing at you and whatever. And you go, well, I can just walk away.
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Chapter 3: What role does self-love play in relationships?
look at your parents and to explore the relationship that you have with one of your, one or both of your parents through the filter of your adult self, rather than just the filter of your, um, little boy or little girl self. And, um, it will, it will absolutely change your life. So that was a very, I wrote that chapter as he was dying. He kind of died unexpectedly, but he died.
I was writing that chapter and it was, I have a lot of case studies in there of all sorts of experiences with parents and, you know, yeah, you have to start to think of them differently. And I lost both my parents, and I was close to my stepfather, and I lost him too.
And one thing that I learned about, and I was very close with my mom, but of course, there's certain things that mother-daughter relationships can be kind of complicated. And I learned something profound about relationships with parents after they died, which is that you kind of let go of some of the resentments that you had when they were alive. And you build a little compassion.
You could decide to never speak to your parent again. But you have to do that from a clear head, not from a place of reaction. Because I was estranged from my father for 13 years or something, and it did not help me. What helped me was learning how to not be afraid of him and to start to stand up for myself and to also start to examine the story that I've had about him for so many years.
And that's what I try to explain in this chapter.
What do you say to the people that sort of still They're worried that their parents are sort of coming toward the end of their lives. Maybe they've tried to approach conversations not too dissimilar to these previously, even the first couple of steps, and maybe they've not been received particularly well.
And they've got this sort of balancing act in their mind where they go, can I even sort of bring this into land over the next decade? you know, five years, 10 years, I don't know, however long they've got left.
Am I just opening a can of worms that is going to have their parting memory of their role as my parent being one of failure and dissatisfaction, and I'm going to bring up all of this stuff, and it's going to feel like an attack on them. And, you know, this is how I'm going to
the swan song to mine and my parents' relationship is maybe going to be me trying to do this selfish healing in a child bullshit. Can I not just put up with the piece and sort of leave it on the table?
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