Relationship expert Jillian Turecki reveals how to overcome the blocks that ruin relationships and begin crafting your love life from within. Jillian shares her personal journey, detailing the pivotal moments of miscarriage and divorce that transformed her perspective on love and relationships. She emphasizes that love truly begins with oneself, urging listeners to self-source their wholeness before seeking it in others. As the conversation unfolds, we delve into the pitfalls of expectations and how they can undermine relationships, while also discussing the importance of mindful approaches to love.Jillian offers insights on how relationships act as mirrors, reflecting our inner selves and highlighting compatibility, especially during the often-glamorous honeymoon phase. Together, we demystify the concept of self-love, challenging societal misconceptions about love and relationships. We tackle tough questions like whether to break up or stay together, the dangers of falling for someone's potential, and identifying red flags, even those that may seem overly nice. Finally, we explore what men and women generally seek in relationships and the profound lessons she has learned about love, including the importance of making peace with our parents. This conversation is not just about finding the right partner; it’s a deep dive into understanding ourselves better, fostering healthier relationships, and ultimately creating the love life we desire. Sponsor:Convenient and affordable therapy with BetterHelp. Get started today and enjoy 10% off your first month:https://www.betterhelp.com/knowthyselfAndré's Book Recommendations: https://www.knowthyself.one/books___________0:00 Intro1:10 Miscarriage & Divorce: The Turning Point that Changed Her Life7:23 Love Begins With You10:40 Self Sourcing Your Wholeness14:55 Expectations Ruin Relationships21:34 Finding the One & Surviving the Honeymoon Phase27:38 Demystifying Self Love 30:37 Ad: BetterHelp32:13 Our Culture Gets This Wrong About Love37:24 Should You Break Up or Stay Together? 41:47 Don’t Fall in Love with Potential45:40 Red Flags: Are They TOO Nice?50:16 Cultivating Trust in Love & Life56:48 What Men & Women Really Want (Generally)1:02:17 Making Peace with Your Parents1:08:08 The Biggest Lesson She’s Learned from Love1:10:30 What It Means to Know Thyself 1:12:31 Conclusion ___________Jillian Turecki is a relationship coach, teacher, podcaster, writer, and speaker who has devoted her life to helping people revolutionize their relationships with themselves. For over 20 years, Jillian has maintained a deep commitment to authenticity, compassion, and inner transformation as she follows her insatiable curiosity about what makes relationships thrive. Between Jillian’s podcast, “Jillian on Love,” her newsletter, “Love Weekly,” and her social media community, Jillian reaches millions of people who seek her actionable, compassionate, direct, and research-driven insight. As the founder of Jillian Turecki Coaching, Jillian has changed the lives of countless individuals around the world through her transformative workshops, courses, retreats, and one-on-one coaching sessions. Her forthcoming book is a groundbreaking look at love, partnership and self-love based on Jillian’s decades of experience and research.Book "It Begins With You": https://www.jillianturecki.com/bookWebsite: https://www.jillianturecki.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/jillianturecki/?hl=en___________Know ThyselfInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/knowthyself/Website: https://www.knowthyself.oneClips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJ4wglCWTJeWQC0exBalgKgListen to all episodes on Audio: Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4FSiemtvZrWesGtO2MqTZ4?si=d389c8dee8fa4026Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/know-thyself/id1633725927André DuqumInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/andreduqum/
Chapter 1: What pivotal life events changed Jillian Turecki's perspective on love?
We have so many expectations and the one expectation that people don't really recognize is somehow this other person is responsible for my happiness. And that is happening all the time. There's two camps of thought. You have to completely love yourself in order to be in a healthy relationship. Or it does not matter. You learn to love yourself while you're in a relationship.
And I see it somewhere in the middle. But the greatest love is love that you feel safe with. You really shouldn't commit your heart to someone with whom you don't feel that. This feeling that we can't feel fulfilled unless we are in a relationship. That's a dangerous place to be. Fulfillment truly is an inside job.
And finding meaning in life and purpose in life, that is something that truly begins with us.
Jillian Tarecki, thank you so much for being here.
Thank you so much for having me.
June 2nd, 2014, what happened?
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Chapter 2: How can self-love impact our relationships?
I woke up that morning to what would be basically an early miscarriage. And I made an appointment. My husband had already left for work. And I had to go to the gynecologist to confirm pregnancy and do things that you have to do when that's happening. And I...
called him or text him just tell him what was happening and asked him if he would come with me and he said no he was too busy and then later that day in the afternoon he texted me and just said he's gonna stay at his parents for a little while and then I knew at that moment that he was fleeing the relationship and so I called him and it was a dramatic conversation and He never came home again.
And at that time, my mother was dying of terminal cancer and had about, I don't know, two months to live. A lot. That was a big day.
Yeah. No, tough. Yeah. And, you know, you start out in your new book with that story, which really sets up the frame for the journey that you would then go on over the past decade now.
Yes.
What do you see as that moment and that time as a turning point for your life and the direction you shifted after that?
Yeah, I always say it was like sort of the day that I died in a way. And there was, I mean, for lack of a better way to describe it, almost like a rebirth. I mean, it was literally the day where my life just was like, OK, you are on one path and now you are completely on a different path. And it was it was abrupt and it was a change. And everything, everything changed in my life in that moment.
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Chapter 3: What expectations ruin relationships and how can we avoid them?
Typically, when a person experiences that sort of abrupt change, it is quite traumatic. It's kind of a big deal. In other words, typically something happens in a person's life that's out of their control, right? And that they can't change the circumstances. And because of that, that new path, you're kind of thrusted onto it, but you're reluctant, you're resistant, you don't want to be on it.
But then your survival depends on walking that path and figuring it out. And so that's why when I think of that day and when I describe in the book, it's, I say it's the death of a relationship, but it was the death. It was the end of my life as I knew it and the beginning of a new chapter. And I had absolutely no idea. I had nothing, nothing to look for.
I thought, you know, the future was not bright. It was just dark. But, um, you know, we are designed to survive. So that's what I did. And, um, And then I figured out a way to make it more than just survival, to make it actually really mean something. I felt called to do something else with my life.
And when I describe it, you know, I get concerned because I don't want to romanticize a person's life falling apart and whatnot. But there is something when you can look back, you know, we can look back at very hard times and think, wow, Well, now I understand why that happened. Yeah.
Yeah. Always hindsight is clear looking back and in the moment, you know, death of a life feels like death.
Literally.
And oftentimes people that go on to do some amazing things were challenged with incredibly hard situations to face, to overcome, to triumph. And I'm curious, looking back at that point now,
With the past decade under your belt of coaching and writing and teaching and supporting so many people throughout their times of loss and finding a new connection and understanding what love is, it's pushed you and probably equipped you uniquely, unlike any other experience would. You have this capacity within you now because of the depth you've gone yourself, I'm sure.
And so what would you say are the questions you started asking yourself after that moment of challenge? And what are some of those questions that we could be asking ourselves When we face that.
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Chapter 4: What are red flags in relationships that we should watch for?
What is triggered inside of them is aliveness, that aliveness that's been dormant for a long time because they've been waiting to feel this connection, because they're a little bit bored, because they haven't been doing things in their life that gives them sparks of joy or sparks of excitement, whatever it is.
And then we think, this person, and it's an unconscious thought, but this person is my ticket out of the monotony of my life. And they are the reason why I feel so good. When really, they are just the trigger. They're the stimulus, really, that triggers inside of you that dormant feeling. It's not really about them. Because first of all, they're a stranger.
Maybe if it develops into a real relationship, they become someone who adds to that and really does enhance your life tremendously. But right now, they're just a stranger.
And so I help a lot of people recognize that when they get all obsessive over someone who they barely know, that what's actually happening is for them to understand that that person is just the vehicle that has triggered something that actually exists inside of you already.
And that maybe if you learn how to meet your needs more, maybe if you evaluate your life and do more things that kind of make you feel alive, maybe it's, you know, it's not going to be the exact same thing as that, but you can feel moments of oneness that has nothing to do with another person and a romantic partner. Then we can start to craft a different story for that person.
Mm-hmm. It's really a persistent delusion. It's so enchanting. And of course, not just with romantic relationships, but so many different things we outsource our sense of joy. And I do think that there is a level of fulfillment that comes with alignment of what you feel like you're here to be doing in your career and being matched with a partner that is in alignment with your values.
But there's kind of two routes, right? It's like first we either discover before going to relationships that that delusion is in fact a delusion. Or we learn through the trials and tribulations in the relationship that we're putting our expectations of fulfillment of love solely in another person.
And I'm just curious how much of the trife you see in relationships are stemming from an overload of expectations.
Oh, that's that's pretty much one of the biggest things. And we're all guilty. You know, we're all guilty of of having I mean, you can't really go through life not having any expectations. I mean, you can try to, but we all have some expectations. But we have so many expectations in a relationship and lowered amount of appreciation.
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Chapter 5: How do men and women generally differ in their relationship needs?
Our expectations, our perfectionism, our stuff onto them, and then we see them as falling short when really the problem is not them. The problem is in our thinking and not actually appreciating that person for who they are. And that is happening all the time.
And the reality of how it happens all the time is very much so unconscious, right? Like we're unaware to the degree in which our subconscious projections are happening. We're just like looking through them. We're too close to our own bullshit in many ways. Yeah.
This is why mindfulness and self-awareness is so important. What's that? I know, exactly.
I know, for sure. So I'm curious how much you see, like, for example... When people talk about like we go out and try to date our parents and we look for what's familiar and that feels safe to us. Even if love showed up in a chaotic format when we were younger, it feels safer to us because it's familiar. Yeah.
How do you navigate getting awareness and bringing mindfulness to people that are projecting a lot of that stuff?
First, I want to say, because it's important that I say this, not everyone does that. I know that there's a lot of talk about like, that's what we always do. Not everyone does that. So that's a certain pathology that does that not everyone, not everyone is marrying their parent, you know, like marrying a representation. But many people do.
And it's also one of the things that causes a lot of struggle in relationships and in couples, which is why it's important to address it. You know, I think it's more, there's two ways to look at it. One is, let's just say you're already in the marriage or you're already in the relationship and you're realizing that you married some of your unfinished business from your childhood.
Then it's just about bringing awareness to the couple and then helping each other manage your projections and communicating and sort of building a new story and healing together. I mean, that's really the goal. When it comes to dating, I think it's, well, let's just say it's problematic when you date the parent who, once again, you have unfinished business with, unresolved stuff with.
And so then maybe your father ignored you or your father was an alcoholic and ignored you or wasn't very nice to you. And then you're dating people who look and their vibe is totally different. But guess what? You're like in that same familiar feeling dynamic with them. You know, learn, learn. You know, let's say you're single and looking. Learn about what works for you.
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Chapter 6: What is the role of mindfulness in relationships?
I mean, I love a rom-com. I mean, I'm a romantic at heart, but I also have to keep some of that in check.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying is like those stories, which are, you know, great and enchanting, they also plant seeds throughout the conscious mind and subconscious mind of humanity and culture that there is a soulmate. There is like someone that you find and it's just the right person. Instead of thinking we find the right person, you kind of forge it, you know, and...
I would love for you to dissect that a little bit of thinking that we have a soulmate. That's the one right person that we're going to find in our life versus we build that.
Yeah. So everyone's unconscious seeks oneness. And everyone's unconscious seeks wholeness to feel whole.
I would say also largely because we intuit at the deepest level that we are one.
Yeah. Okay. I like that. Absolutely.
Yeah. That's great.
Absolutely. But we forget.
Yeah.
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Chapter 7: How can we identify the difference between lust and love?
It's very, very difficult. Um, to, it's a million dollar question. I think, um, I think that if you're committed to someone and as long as you're not absolutely miserable or there isn't mistreatment of any sort, I think you have to fight for your relationship and recognize that...
that if you want to be with someone over decades, that you are going to have many marriages within that marriage and that there is an opportunity for that and that you have to learn how to love and to grow and to grow together and to really do that and to weather the storms together. But when is it time to just call it? I mean, I believe that.
I also believe that divorce and breaking up is a human right. So if you're absolutely miserable, if you can't stand each other, don't stay together. Or you're just, you're not in love anymore, or the relationship has changed form. My only thing is
If you want, if you need to walk away and get out of it, fine, but you better do some self-reflecting after that because it wasn't, it's rarely that a relationship didn't work out because you're just not the right match. Didn't work out because there's some things that you maybe have to self-reflect on.
It invites the perspective to truly know and reflect on the reason why you're leaving a relationship. And if it's simply because a lack of willingness to look at your own stuff, then it's just going to show up in the next dynamic.
Very well said and very true.
But then there's, I guess, fundamental misalignment and you believe people can just genuinely just grow in different directions.
Yes, they can. And sometimes people grow in different directions because they have not been nurturing the relationship enough. And sometimes they grow in different directions because life is long and they've been together a long time. Maybe they started when they were young and they changed a lot.
These things happen.
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