Commentator 1

You're listening to Infamous from Campside Media.

Everyone exploits everyone, especially women. They want to be exploited. Joe Francis is a genius.

This is Infamous from Campside Media.

The most beautiful word in the entire dictionary of words Is the word tariff. I love tariff.

People were jumping a little bit out of line. They were getting yippy, you know? Yippy?

Never whatsoever. Never did.

There may be a little disturbance.

We're cutting down the size of government. We have to. We're bloated, sloppy.

I think the reality is that they're getting wealthy at the taxpayer expense.

4%.

Some of the things that I say will be incorrect and should be corrected.

A trillion dollars. Half a trillion dollars. $150 billion.

Well, it was a mistake. Like I said before, it was a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes.

Boris, I gave you the soundbite already. I gave you the soundbite already.

Oh my God, I can't believe it.

Okay, a little intense.

Right, I'm gonna hit the streets, work the phones, meet sources at underground parking garages. Oh, wait, the president just added me to a group chat. I have the whole thing right here.

Yeah, I don't need it. It's all here. Break-in plans, cover-up payments. Whoa.

It's a lot of dick pics.

Follow the money. Yeah, we don't need to. They posted the checks. Wow. A lot of dick pics.

Do we even have to write this story?

That doesn't really sound like work.

Yeah, this is better. Drinks?

It's actually been an oddly tame start to March Madness.

Of the first 32 games in the first round, 20 were won by double digits.

That's good to know. So this is really like robbery repellent right here. So people might try to give you tips on fashion, like, why are you wearing those? Oh, okay. Shoes are very symbolic of who you are as a person. So if you have up shoes, might be a up person. I mean, yeah, those are pretty bad, but what about your shoes, dawg? What? Those are some dirty-ass shoes, bro. What the hell?

These are some stink-ass shoes. Oh, hell no. You about to run a marathon?

One of the big questions going forward, is Harvard going to dip into that $50 billion-plus endowment to make up for that federal shortfall?

Trump and Elon Musk and JD Vance making Nike sneakers. There are also viral videos of Trump sitting behind a sewing machine in a factory. All of this rife on Chinese social media.

I said hi to the president. The president introduced me to the crown prince. And the president, in a lot of good humor, said, crown prince, no, he doesn't quite make the money that you do. But, and he went on to tell a funny story. And, you know, in very Trumpian fashion. And it was pretty special and pretty funny.

You're listening to an iHeart Podcast.

I like him a lot. I like him too much. That's why we give so much, you know? Too much. I like you too much.

Jordan, have you been doing ayahuasca of Aaron Rodgers again? Okay, we can't cancel the Super Bowl. It's the only thing keeping Gronk from going through our garbage at night. Plus, I don't know about you, but this was the best Super Bowl of my life. I mean, yeah, it had touchdowns, Tom Brady's new face, seal as a seal, and Jordan losing an ass-ton of money betting on the Chiefs.

I mean, what happened, Mahomes?

Which brings us to my Jordan owes me a lot of money better than nights. Which big Italian man will I send to Jordan's house tonight? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. You have two kidneys for a reason.

All right, well, I disagree with you, Jordan, because unlike you, I love black people. And I thought Kendrick's performance was incredible. I mean, he proved what I've been saying for decades. The halftime show should always be about petty grievances. I mean, next year, I want to see Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni jousting to the death. Presented by gambling. Of course, gambling.

Unlike Drake, you can come back from this.

Asian representation! We shouldn't be sending Shohei's interpreter to jail. We should be giving him a medal. I mean, you think Shohei has talent? It takes real skill to steal money from someone you work with, especially when you have to guess their mother's maiden name. What is it again, Jordan? Pakowski? Is that with a K?

It should be at least 104. That way they have no time to get injured in between games.

That's what you need. You need more games.

Yeah.

Trump did it.

Was it Ronnie Chang? You know, it might have been. It sounds like a Ronnie thing to say.

A women's pool championship in the UK with no women in the final round. After two transgender players defeated their female opponents to face off for the title...

The practice of rubbing Molly Malone's breast is believed to have begun around 2012, instigated by an imaginative tour guide.

The practice of people setting more than their eyes on the famous fishmonger has prompted the city council to hire stewards to patrol her plinth. They hope this will be the end of the mauling of sweet Molly Malone.

Thousands of women a year flock to Paris to visit this man's grave. It's said that women who put a flower in his hat and kiss him on his lips will find a husband within a year. Many also believe the statue can encourage fertility, which encourages other acts, which can be seen by the shine in other places.

Most CEOs I talk to would say we are probably in a recession right now.

And on the education department, why nominate Linda McMahon to be the education department secretary if you're going to get rid of the education department?

Because I told Linda, Linda, I hope you do a great job and put yourself out of a job. I want her to put herself out of a job.

Will it take an act of Congress to do away with USAID? I don't know.

I don't think so.

I've been a cop.

These are policies that were absolute nonsense throughout the government and the private sector.

It's going to affect beer, okay? Most of it, corona here, comes from Mexico. it's going to affect your guac, because what is guacamole made of? Avocados.

If you could speak directly to Elon Musk, what would you say?

Y'all know we got Governor Hot Wheels down there. Come on now. And the only thing hot about him is that he is a hot-ass mess.

Don't you think he's probably trolling? I think he's probably having some fun with it, probably messing with it. This is a president who loves to give a snake in a can to the media just to watch them open it. And he's doing that. This is another jump scare that has just lit up the internet.

That's lower than Pete Hexheff's blood alcohol level.

Elon Musk has taken a very courageous stand for the First Amendment. He's tough as a pine knot. And the man's got guts. He's got... He's got arms just the size of beach balls.

Mr. Soros is now the largest single shareholder in Odyssey radio stations. In America, you can't just go do this. Mr. Soros is a billionaire. Pass me the sick bucket. Sit and write.

Bullies on the left aiming to silence conservatives. Free speech is under siege in this country.

The leftists, they've become the thought police. They basically declare themselves God and judge us for our thoughts.

George Orwell was right. The thought police come next to punish thought crime. Be very, very scared.

Columbia University is bowing to President Trump's demands, announcing it will change a number of policies.

President touting the first ever negotiations with pharmaceutical companies to lower the cost of 10 drugs.

Elon Musk and his Doge team firing thousands of federal workers.

The DC creature is like an animal infested with ticks and parasites. Our money is lining these swamp creatures' pockets.

Hundreds of workers at the National Nuclear Security Administration fired, then nearly all rehired days later.

Studies on the effect of meditation on parrots.

I'll never forget the grim look on his face when he heisted himself and took leave of this mind.

He's heisting himself by the seat of his pants.

The Lorax is being used to present a very preservationist point of view that we are running out of trees.

There's a lot of money in the hands of environmental organizations. And the wood products industry is basically busy going to work every day. And they have not had the money to get their story out.

People in the wood products industry are environmentalists, and that's what I try to get across in Truax.

I know. Those are some big young gentlemen and a big trophy as well. Big dudes, yeah.

You have the mantle and you have the cherubs.

put President Trump's likeness on the $100 bill. A brand new $250 bill featuring Donald Trump's face.

The privilege of the writ of habeas corpus can be suspended in a time of invasion. So I would say that's an option we're actively looking at. The government, the United States government,

The only time a president has done it unilaterally without the authorization of Congress was Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War. That was the last.

Jeanine Pirro, a lot of eyebrows are being raised at this pick so far.

It's known as the most luxurious private jet in the world, described as a flying palace. It features the biggest master bedroom in the sky, as well as some very plush living quarters and several private offices. Some of the nine bathrooms on board have full showers and even a bidet. What?

It raises many, many eyebrows to have this sort of deal at all.

President Trump just announced that prescription drug and pharmaceutical prices will be reduced by 30% to 80% almost immediately. This appears to be the major announcement that the president has been teasing for days.

You're listening to Comedy Central.

Some of the biggest stock market declines since the Great Depression. The worst three consecutive sessions since 1987.

This is the wrong way to look at this.

So how does this work? It's just a big game of economic operation as he's sticking things in, trying to take out tariffs. It's like, you know, when you're my age, you got to get a colonoscopy. You need a full colonic, like, to feel better. You know what I mean? A rat poison can kill somebody in the wrong dosages, but in the right dosages, that can be very healthy for the patient.

Trillions of dollars of factories are going to be built in America. The army of millions and millions of human beings screwing in little, little screws to make iPhones. That kind of thing is going to come to America.

Those are the jobs? That kind of thing is gonna come to America, it's gonna be automated, and great Americans, the tradecraft of America, is gonna fix them. Mechanics fixing robotics, that's what's coming to America.

They are definitely going to stay in place for days and weeks.

As I conclude my speech, I have to remember that a valedictory, by definition, is a farewell.

Mr. Trump is blaming the Biden administration's open border policies.

This was a statement. They was making a statement about Trump, about Elon.

Should the FBI be treating this as another attempt on Trump's life, even though he wasn't at the hotel at the time?

This also should lay bare the idea that gun control is going to make us safer. You know, we're using, what are we going to do? Start registering people for car, or giving background checks for people to get cars?

If you want to talk about classified information, talk about what was at Hillary Clinton's home that she was trying to bleach bit.

What we should be talking about is it was a very successful mission.

Can we do it together?

This is a beautiful moment.

That actually made me so mad. You seem pissed. Yeah.

I don't know. I just feel like it's so weird.

No, it's okay.

One of the things we absolutely canceled very briefly was Ebola. It was Ebola prevention. I think we all want Ebola prevention.

On China's tightly controlled internet, government censors are allowing Vance's interview to go viral, amplifying the outrage, igniting anger, and sarcasm. Look, this is their true face, arrogant and rude as always. We may be peasants, but we have the world's best high-speed rail, the most powerful logistics, and leading AI and drone technologies. Aren't such peasants quite impressive?

One hashtag about the Chinese peasants remark shot to the top of China's Twitter-like platform Weibo.

My favorite word. Tariffs.

It's just an artificial line that was drawn in the sand or in the ice.

Polls show 90% of Canadians do not want to be part of the United States.

Going to Mars.

I wish I could remember the source, but that there is a school system that's going to start making sure that first graders or even pre-Ks have A1 teaching. Wasn't all that long ago that it's, we're going to have internet in our schools. Now, okay, let's see A1 and how can that be helpful?

I'm telling you, these countries are calling us up, kissing my ass. They are dying to make a deal. Please, please, sir, make a deal.

15-year-old girl doesn't need 37 dolls.

She can be very happy with two or three or four or five.

10-year-old girl, 9-year-old girl, 15-year-old girl, does it need $37?

Our republic is being destroyed now before our very eyes.

Donald Trump's a style icon!

We have more than enough time to right the wrong of this fraudulent election result.

We don't know how this battle ends, but we know that we will be riding in this battle in this struggle to save democracy with a real man.

My guest tonight is a Pulitzer Prize-winning presidential biographer and best-selling author. Please welcome John Meacham. You got some Meacham heads in the audience.

Oh, you're right in the middle there. Right in there, exactly. That's a good run. That's a good grouping to be in.

Well, thank you for being here on such a celebratory week. So exciting. So many things. You were once an advisor for Joe Biden. You've written books about Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Jackson. You're writing one now on Eisenhower. What inspired you to want to write so extensively about the U.S. presidency?

See, for me, I'm intrigued, but I have a hard time because there just isn't a female lead that I can connect to.

Yes, that is true.

Melania doesn't live there anymore. But even though it's all his fault, this is a great opportunity for him to be a leader, to speak from the heart to Americans who are about to suffer real financial hardships because of his policies.

Doubt that. Doubt that. But... Did you see my first act? Well, you know... Doubt that.

Do you think President Trump will get it right in the 11th hour?

So strong pause there.

From a historical standpoint, what is the significance of the first 100 days? Is it really that meaningful or is it just a hallmark holiday for the media?

That was funny. I'd buy one. Yeah, thank you. We'll sell them on the web. We'll put them up on the web later, on the website, if that's still up.

Wow, check out Mr. Rogers over here. I can't believe in a span of 100 days we went from we will all be richer than we've ever imagined to everyone gets two dolls, all right? But if you're sad that playtime will soon be over for your children, take comfort that it's just beginning for the old commander in child.

Yeah. You talk about after January 6th, your biggest regret about Trump.

President Trump, I guess I should say, to be respectful.

Sell me on it. I will. Here.

OK, I'm with you on that. You one of your biggest regrets about President Trump is that you thought that he was a difference of degree and not kind.

We're now 100 days into his second term. How do you see him now?

The president came out swinging and dancing to celebrate 100 days in office.

Right. I hope not. There has certainly been a lot of just him acting out, doing whatever he wants, flooding the courts, finding loopholes. Do you think in a way that this could act as a blueprint for Democrats moving forward?

That was a bad thought. Bad suggestion.

All right. It's officially not a better person.

Yeah.

He seems like he's enjoying himself. Clearly, he was having a good time.

Right. So it does feel like there is a moment of populism, also with the popularity of Bernie and AOC. So you think that's an actual possibility? Sure. You think it's likely?

You can tell when he's on stage, he's having so much fun. He's dancing.

What's what? How can you even predict?

Do you feel like the checks and balances and the guardrails that have been woven into our democracy will hold on? Or are we going to need a bigger guardrail?

That famous YMCA dance.

It's dance time.

We're definitely seeing cracks in the media ecosystem right now in terms of how they're covering the administration, the pressure, the aggression towards media in general. What would you like to see more from the media at large in terms of covering this administration?

No. No, Laura, it's not. We're not going to be eating cold beans huddled over a fire like, well, at least the president's happy. As long as he's backing that ass up, I think America's going to be A-OK. By the way, that was the first time I've seen Trump dancing from behind. And I got to say, don't do that ever again. Don't do that. I owe the front button apology.

Remember those.

They were so adorable back then. They really were. Those were the good old days.

You're better at math than you said you were. Good job.

Yeah. As a revered historian.

Revered.

Do you think that we will look back on this time differently than the way that we're experiencing it right now?

That's the truth. I sure hope that we veer right out of this. And I appreciate you being here to help process this moment in time. You are a grounding force and give us a little optimism for the future.

John has two books coming out later this year within We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back after this. We'll be here tomorrow to cap off our coverage of Trump's first 100 days, so don't miss it. Now here it is, your moment of zen.

Anyway, it's no surprise that the main story on Fox News is that Trump is live, laugh, loving being president. But as we all know, the American media is just as divided as the country itself. So depending on which cable news network you watch, Trump's first 100 days were either sick or sick.

20.

10,000 more days? That is 27 years. I can't still be talking about Trump when I'm in my late 40s. It's not that funny. But while cable news debated, Trump himself celebrated the big 100 by inviting ABC News reporter Terry Moran to the White House for an interview. And Trump kicked things off by asking the same thing every kid does when a guest comes to the house. Want to see my room?

Modernization? This looks like my great-grandmother decorated the mantelpiece with her great-grandmother's ashes. And I know that beautification is in the eye of the beholdification, but we can all agree that the foam core Gulf of America map is pulling focus, right? Is the Gulf of America having a bridal shower in the banquet room with a Hilton Garden Inn? Because if it's not, get it out of here.

But okay, you know what, show me a few more things in your room and then I gotta go join the grown-ups.

Trump is always in the, I forgot to do the reading mode. Man, that Monroe Doctrine, so important. My favorite part? Probably the doctrine. And doctrine, as we all know, is a female doctor. But you know what? We can't expect Trump to know anything about a president whose picture he put up. It's not fair. So let's give him something easier. Donald, tell us what the Declaration of Independence is.

And remember, this is the document in which we declared independence.

Look at Terry Moran's face. He looks like a teacher about to call the school psychologist. This is a great drawing. Stay right here. But of course he'd make that face. Trump said that the Declaration of Independence meant unity. Unity is the opposite of independence. How did Trump find the one time that unity and love is the wrong answer?

What makes this even more sad is that the Declaration of Independence is basically the colonies filing for divorce. It's the one thing Trump should absolutely recognize. And all of that was supposed to be the softball part of the interview. It wasn't until Moran pulled up his serious chair that the questions got hard.

That's what Trump said? Trump actually said that? Could we just check the tape on that?

1,047.

Oh, yeah, my bad. I misremembered. But the wildest part of the interview by far was when it turned to Trump's deportation of Kilmar Garcia, who Trump says doesn't need due process because anyone can tell that Garcia is in the gang MS-13 just by looking at his tattoos.

So let's get right into it.

OK, let me just explain what's going on here. Garcia has tattoos on his hand and someone labeled a photo of them trying to prove that they're actually a code. The problem is Trump thinks that the labels are part of the tattoo and he is very, very insistent on it.

Now I understand why he's so proud of that Gulf of America poster. He thinks Gulf of America is actually written on top of the water. Makes sense. And what is so crazy is that Terry Moran kept trying to change topics, but Trump wouldn't let him. I have never seen an interview where a reporter catches a politician in a gotcha, and the politician is the one who says, stop trying to move on.

I am not done embarrassing myself. But I will hand it to Terry Moran. He held his ground to the point where it actually wore Trump out. And that's when we saw a moment of vulnerability from Trump.

Why don't you just say I'm right? Up is down, left is right, Santa's real. And that is Trump in a nutshell. I can't prove the insane things I believe, so just go along with them. Don't believe your eyes, believe the Photoshop. But I, I for one, will not believe the Photoshop, okay? I will go into the rest of the term with my eyes wide open, staring and watching, oh God, no, no!

Trump's been in office for 100 days, or as he likes to call it, longer than any president in the history of the world. It should be a week of celebration, but tell that to the economy.

Oh, my eyes, my beautificated eyes! Oh, make it go away. When we come back, the truth about Stephen Miller. Welcome back to The Daily Show. One of the defining policies of President Trump's first 100 days has been his, let's say, enthusiastic deportation effort. We all know that the architect of that policy is his top aide, Stephen Miller. But how did Miller get such power?

Let's find out in a brand new Daily Showography.

America is for Americans and Americans only.

Mass deportations. Chaos and confusion. People detained and families separated. A toddler and U.S.

Economic alarm bells. The US economy contracting by 0.3%. The contraction in the economy, first that we have seen in years, in fact. America's economy is shrinking.

We do nothing for American holidays, but everything for Mexican holidays. Condoms are available to students grades 9 through 12. We have a club on campus that will gladly help foster their homosexuality. Refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance in classrooms. We invited a Muslim leader to the school to explain the splendor of Islam. Osama bin Laden would feel very welcome at Salman, the high school.

Yes, the US economy is undergoing what economists refer to as a George Costanza. Now, obviously, the economy is a complex interaction of multiple markets, so it's difficult to point to any one factor, but it's all Trump. It's Trump. It's Donald Trump. The fact is, Trump just does not do well with the GDP, unless GDP stands for get that pussy! Which, sadly, those numbers are also down.

Shows like Will and Grace and Sex and the Scene promote alternative lifestyles and erode traditional values. The word Christmas is slowly being exiled from society. I, for one, am offended. And I'm Jewish. Smokey is not nearly as dangerous as special interest groups have made it out to be. The real risks are the fascistic tendencies that prohibit smoking. Prisoners are afforded so many luxuries.

Continue to worship at the altar of multiculturalism. So-called affirmative action. Sorry, feminists.

Everyone in the Cook County Jam wants to be a part of this great program. I learned how to be a better leader.

Hey, where you going with the pizza?

America is the land of the free. People come here because it's a free place.

Participate. Yeah, pretty much.

I feel very proud that it is, and for people who don't want to vote, they should go and live somewhere else.

Even drunk Australian bros can see the benefits of mandatory voting. But for America, the good news is that voter turnout in 2020 is on track to hit record levels.

Yes!

paramount podcasts you're listening to an iheart podcast

We're lost.

This is Monday.

Checked out of our hotel.

I believe that Gun Appreciation Day honors the legacy of Dr. King. And the truth is, I think Martin Luther King would agree with me, if he were alive today, that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country's founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history.

Mm-hmm. I can remember snippets through the world news.

Not at all. It's not one side. It's the legal system. No matter who you are, if you do these things, you get charged for it. That's it.

Absolutely not. Nobody wants to go to Jersey unless they have to. You need cars.

I've got a lot of great sports memories of Houston. Fislamma, Jamma, Love Ya Blue, Nolan Ryan. Gosh, I'm still agonizing over the Astros losing to the Phillies in 1980. There you have it.

They flexed their fingers. They clicked their buttons. They adjusted their headsets.

Oh, it's another kind of cold and, I'm going to say, day here in the Northeast. Kind of a lot of them. How much longer are we going to have to put up with this?

Like, there's nothing that's been improving. For us low-income people, it's been f***ing shit.

Abortions, that's women. That's our body. No one has control over that but us. We don't want to keep getting nutted in and having babies all the time. I would like to be child-free in my 20s.

That's amazing. That's fascinating. What?

Yes. Oh, that would be a killer t-shirt.

The world would be a much better place, in my opinion, if there was a Juggalo in the white house. I think the clouds would turn pink if a Juggalo came in.

Honestly, I like how Violent J's mindset works. Okay. Yeah. Or Shaggy 2 Dope. I'd have them up in the white house.

I'd say Shaggy as president and then Violent J as second.

That's the number one qualification of the president, you have to get up early.

Okay. Because he's all about that wall. This is Tim Walz. This is Kamala Harris's VP.

Okay.

I deal with it like most normal humans do.

Are you... Are you horny? Are you single? If so... None of the above. So you are in a relationship?

It was more about self-care. Now, what are the benefits, you know, other than getting rid of all that extra money in your bank account? I just feel more personally resourced, cared for.

How long does this normally take?

It's me again. So just to confirm, there's nothing sexual happening here.

Absolutely. I would really enjoy that. Oh, OK. Thank you so much for that. This is up and close VIP in the splash zone. Could you explain how you can participate in something so intimate without wanting to take it a step further?

Okay. All right. Well, just... None.

It was cuddle time. This is amazing. Is it gonna cost extra if I, like, open up the floodgates a little bit?

Americans are suffering from so-called tipflation. Now it's being encouraged for a growing number of services.

From restaurants to cafes and even self-checkout kiosks.

So I needed to hear if anyone else is stressed about the uptick in tipping requests, and if they're dehydrated from crying, too. It's a little much where you go somewhere and you're seeing tip jars at grocery stores.

Anywhere that I go to get lunch or coffee nowadays has like an automatic tipping option.

The biggest thing is like the lowest percentage just keeps getting higher.

I saw even a tip system at a plant store.

Yeah.

I think just putting that little bit of money back in our pockets isn't such a bad thing.

100%.

Ugh, back to square one. What else you got? It'd be nice if they just raised the minimum wage.

I have to admit, it does sound a bit scammy. Seems like you're just ripping off people who've never heard of a body pillow.

I would say the fact that my pillows can't talk back to me as an asset.

11.

Justin Trudeau, head of the Liberal Party, similar to the Democrats. He's the son of one of Canada's most famous prime ministers, Pierre Trudeau. Justin plans to raise taxes and run a $7 billion deficit to kickstart the recession-bound economy, and he says help the middle class.

He is 43 years old. He's a very good looking young man.

He is very, very good looking. I think in America, he might just win the election on his looks alone.

Satirical song that's gone viral on social media. It's called Harper Man, and it does sum up the desire for a change in government. Who's the king of secrecy? Harper Man, Harper Man. Who has slashed the CDC? Harper Man, it's time for you to go.

For anyone who questioned her greatness, Kaitlyn Clark had the answer. 41 points, 9 threes, 12 assists. A record-breaking masterpiece that lived up to the hype of a rematch in an epic battle of greats.

Oh, I think there's nothing new, really, here. This is sort of a storm in a teacup. The substance, frankly, is not new.

Hit me with the bad news. It appears that while she was Secretary of State, she did not have an official email account at all.

Working in secrecy, he hides the location of computer service to ward off cyber attack and hides his own location, moving and changing names and email addresses to ward off arrest.

Yes. Gotcha.

Yes.

I'm the only one in my family that hasn't gotten the vaccine. It's not approved by the FDA. I don't know what's in that. Women are miscarrying. People are having their DNAs wiped out.

Yeah. They're telling women that it's okay for you to get the vaccine.

Like, their immunity. Their immunity is getting wiped out.

I'm against all mandates. So from there, I don't care where it's masks, where it's vaccinations. I'm against it all.

Yes, of course, you know?

I don't co-parent with the government.

There we go. Don't get pregnant anywhere.

They're enrolled in public school.

No, it isn't. Because you know why? We have a Board of Education. We also elect who our officials are. We get to have a voice.

We do.

Yeah.

I think you're killing people.

And he was just staring at me.

I have a lot of distrust.

It's too long.

I have a lot of information, just like you guys all get your information.

From a lot of places.

Everywhere.

Yeah, well, not everywhere, but like those places. Internet, by word of mouth. Here, I mean, you see a nice burrito and it has like farm fresh eggs in it.

It's both.

I don't think it's communism, it's more like a dictatorship. Like we're living in Nazi Germany and the only thing that's missing is the camps and the gas.

Yes.

I can't go to a concert, I can't go to a gym.

It is not an anti-vax, so don't go there.

Please don't.

I am not.

I do not want to get the vaccination for COVID.

Uh, maybe.

I'm not.

No.

No.

I think that it's more about the lifestyle versus, like, vaccinated, not vaccinated.

Like, being healthy. Like, taking care of yourself. Like, your mind, your body. If you live a lifestyle of wellness, then... your body should be able to handle COVID.

And he was just staring at me.

This year, the two days only coincided by chance. The Day of Visibility is held every year on March 31st, while the date for Easter changes year to year.

To me is, I mean, I'm just going to say it, I think it's demonic.

It's absurd. And Joe Biden should be ashamed of himself. And all these people say, yeah, but this is the day we've always recognized transgender visibility day. Well, recognize it another day, not on Easter Sunday. It's an affront to the Bible. And quite frankly, it's an affront to biology. There are two genders. People can't just go in and out of one like a revolving door. It's not normal.

From my cold, dead hands.

Ninja police. It's a blue banana. So hungry. Blue banana. What the ?

Well, I'm glad you understand that people are the problem. That is becoming just painfully obvious.

John Oliver, we'll be right back.

Whoop-dee-doo! Whoop-dee-doo, mate! Whoop-dee-doo!

Whoop-dee-doo, for whatever that means. Whoop-dee-doo!

Time over.

What makes a politician successful? Getting re-elected by his or her constituents.

That's how you judge success.

Well, getting legislation done. It's second. It's second, yes. That is second. Holy ****, that is second?

Right, the caucus needs to be protected. The caucus does. They need to be protected politically. How many political careers have been tragically ended by gun control?

So you don't look at these faces and feel guilt? Well, they're alive, and, uh... They're dead. They're politically dead.

I hope that those who totally veto any move to bring sensible semi-automatic and automatic weapon control to the suburbs of America are also politically dead but physically alive.

Turnover, we'll be right back. We'll be right back. We continue tonight...

Bloody oath for free. We just sit here doing whatever we want. Everybody's just hanging out and having a good time.

People's rights are being taken away from them.

But how do those angry rural conservatives feel now? My immediate reaction was that it was an overreaction. But as time went on, the regulations were quite manageable. So, hold on. You didn't want to give up your high-powered gun? No, but... I felt as if I had a bit of a duty to the rest of our society.

It took less than three and a half months. What? What? What? Arthur Massacre was on the 28th of April 1996. Yep. In a 12 week period shortly following that, bulk of legislation was devised, drafted, debated and implemented. But it doesn't work. Zero massacres since 1996. Yeah, you keep saying that, but gun control doesn't work, so... My head was spinning.

This year my resolution is to preserve our liberties and restore prosperity across America.

Eric and Kim, it's great to be with you. Happy New Year. You know, 2016 is gonna be an incredible year. 2016 is gonna be the last year of the Obama presidency. 2016 is gonna be the last year before Hillary retires permanently to Chappaqua. 2016 is gonna be the last year that we have Obamacare.

Presenting the priesthood as a task of service. Choosing a simple apartment over the grand papal residence, accepting a soccer jersey from his favorite team.

Paying his hotel bill after becoming Pope.

I disagree with the Pope, who doesn't like free market capitalism. I think free market capitalism is a great liberator.

When the Pope criticizes an entire economic system and is negative about it, he's indulging in politics, and I don't think he should. I personally do not want my spiritual life mixed up with my political life. I go to church to save my soul.

Joe Barton, the senior Republican on the Energy and Commerce Committee, says he doesn't consider the Pope an expert on environmental issues.

I think that we probably are better off leaving science to the scientists and focusing on what we do, what we're really good at, which is theology and morality.

It's good to see the Pope adapting to modern times to communicate with young people. I think that's a great idea.

I'm fired up. Are you pumped up because you think Barack Obama will finally be able to not worry about this combative Congress and he can actually be progressive in his theoretical second term?

I smell weed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I cut that one. I cut that one. I remember that.

He was like, he's sorry, baby. And the guy's just looking at you. It was so good.

Thank you.

Mr. Oliver, the piece that you did on Australian gun reform, that's no women, no drugs.

Yeah, that was really fun to cut, too.

Roy. Yeah, Roy. Roy definitely has been on the road.

I'm so glad that we did this. That's really nice. Let me just put this in the mailbox. I imagine that'll get there too sweet.

California, along with so many other states, defining traditionally what marriage is, and to see that third branch of government undoing the will of the people, it's frustrating.

A lot of people don't think they have to enforce the Constitution as it's written. They'd like to enforce it as they would like it to have been written.

I am so sick of people taking this Constitution. We're running it through the shredder every time somebody wants to do what they want to do. It took these guys a long time. They read a lot of books and a lot of history to put the principles together in this thing.

Believe me, that will be a great film.

I believe the Second Amendment is a vital constitutional amendment. A lot of people don't think they have to enforce the Constitution as it's written.

Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant. They're quite clear that we would create law based on the God of the Bible and the Ten Commandments. See, that's what I'm...

The 14th Amendment granted citizenship to, quote, all persons born or naturalized in the United States to protect newly freed slaves and their children and guarantee their rights as citizens. Last time I checked, I don't think we're having that problem anymore.

I don't think the founders understood when they did the 14th Amendment that it would create a circumstance where people could fly into America all over the world and have a child, and that child would have dual citizenship.

Every time you hear Doge, the Department of Government Efficiency, you just remember It is the Department of Government Evil.

Dangerous oligarchs grab everything.

A short time ago, President Joe Biden greeted Mr. and Mrs. Trump at the White House for tea, an inaugural tradition.

Kamala says vote for her and you're voting for joy. What's the one word counterpart? Competence.

Competence. But real competence. Real, real competence. Not just, he's sort of a competent person. No, real competence.

When the Biden administration isn't fantasizing about renewables and energy independence with renewables, they're begging Americans. They're lecturing us to buy electric cars. They tell us over and over again, buy an electric car.

Biden.

Trump.

Trump.

I don't like either candidate. Same as other people said, I'm not really crazy about either candidate.

If he just doesn't try to get caught up in how big the moment is. It's a big moment.

RFK Jr. 's bleak description of people living with autism causing outrage. Autism destroys families. These are kids who will never pay taxes.

They'll never hold a job. They'll never play baseball. They'll never write a poem. They'll never go out on a date.

It's that time of year to decorate Easter eggs, but with egg prices soaring, some families are turning to substitutes.

By September, we will know what has caused the autism epidemic and we'll be able to eliminate those exposures.

We will know by September.

If feedback Seth would have a bagel with cream cheese, he would drop it, it would land upside down, the cream cheese on the floor, and he would pick it up. I'm like, wait, is there any hair on there? Oh, no. It is so gross, and he would just pop it in his mouth.

Tonight, Rory McIlroy is now one of only six golfers to win all four major golf championships, winning the Masters for the first time.

Move over, Ken. LeBron James is the first male athlete to be part of the new Ken Basseter line of Barbie dolls. Look at him.

The message on the back of the box says, a true MVP. Our LeBron James Ken Basseter's doll represents resilience, hope, and pride for the city of Akron.

Harper asked shortstop Trey Turner to hand him either a blue or a pink bat before he went up to hit as a gender reveal. He found out right before stepping up to the plate that he'll be having a baby boy.

The Baltimore Orioles AA affiliate, the Chesapeake Bay Sox, decided to unveil an alternative team identity to help them gain traction with new audiences. That included the new alternative name, the Oyster Catchers, along with a brand new logo. This logo, which, at least to many, seems to depict a baseball glove catching an oyster. Others interpreted it a bit differently.

The team took the criticisms to heart, deleting their own announcement within minutes. But later, they unveiled a new logo showing a bird holding a bat. Damn it.

A little disturbance.

So there's this condition called Trump derangement syndrome, and every single Democrat has this.

Trump derangement syndrome, anything with Trump's name attached to it, Democrats will automatically pre-hate no matter what it is.

It's a horrible, horrible terminal disease. It destroys the mind before the body, but the body eventually goes.

We've just gotten started. You haven't even seen anything yet.

The bill aims to change our state's definition of mental illness to include a form of criticism of the current president.