Aunt Kippy

We need this. This is the biggest thing we've ever done. We're so happy. We're so proud of it. Can't wait for you to see it tonight, 7 p.m., on the YouTube premiere on the RU Garbage page. This takes place over nine shows on Route 66. We gassed up the bus. We got a lot of heaters, a lot of beers, hung with the homies and the bozos. It's a good time. Share with your friends.

Let's really put the army of garbage behind this and put this thing on the goddamn moon, baby. So we'll see you 7 p.m., YouTube, RU Garbage page, live chat. See you there.

Kit, what's talking about Upside? Shout out to Upside. Gang, one of the smartest apps you can have on your phone in 2025 is Upside. Upside gives you the power to earn more on the stuff you buy all the time, whether you're filling up your tank, going out to eat, or shopping for groceries. The Upside app lets you earn cash back on every purchase.

I forgot to mention something in your intro. Uh-oh. Also... Goes along with the episode. Former counterman at the flagship store in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania for Macy's department store. I was a haberdasher, sure. At the Wanamaker building. At the Wanamaker building. That shit doesn't get any bigger than that. Third floor, menswear. It does get a little bigger than that. Where? Bloomingdale's.

Upside users are making as much as $208 a year, Keppy.

What I'm saying is, would you go, if you saw me walking up and I'm looking at the Nike sweatsuits.

Beautiful.

I bet you they do all right.

You can't come up and go up and be a general manager or something like that. I don't think anything – Because it always looked nice. I was always jealous of those skills that I didn't have. Like –

watching, like, just Christmas shopping this year, because, you know, we went to the Willow Grove Mall and stuff like that, seeing, like, you know, them, like, the way they handle the fabric, they fold it up nice, they're really cool, they know everything, the bags were nice.

Levi 501s. They were the original. Those button flies when I was in high school and college. Forget about it. I used to rock.

I used to rock those.

Yeah.

You're talking about jeans. I'm trying to relate.

I got jeans. Not a button fly.

Hurt my testicles.

King of Prussia Mall. Fragrance model. I would push back on that.

Oh, man, a fucking cooked mushroom to you. Might as well have been eating a slug. Eating an eyeball. No, thank you.

I always feel bad about it, but I'm not great in those situations as far as putting things back where... Listen, as a guy who I hated, people would come in.

I look like it's like a raccoon got in the trash. I try. I'm just not neat like that. I try to put it back. You got to just make an effort.

I leave it in the changing room now. Yeah, it's not. I left stuff in there.

My mom, and I hear this from my nephew now, my mother, when she tests to see how far the big toe is in the shoe, you're lucky your fucking nail doesn't crack. I mean, she applies pressure to make sure that there's room in the shoe. Why are they so?

You were the fat guy. You probably had a slice of Sparrow underneath the register.

Yeah, you always had to do a little three-point stance, you know, show guy coming off the line. Yeah, these are good. You got the clerk jacked up. You're running them down the aisle like the sled. Trying on wrestling shoes. I'm down in the start position. Get me, I swear to God.

I'm doing a fireman's carry to my mother.

I loved. Okay, I hated the foot thing to measure. The side, the front, that thing. That was a NASA piece of equipment. And Patty would swoosh them. Bring some poor bastard over and get him involved. I love the bench, the little bench with the slanted mirror.

Yeah, we had Phil's shoes. Some of those dudes, man, they would lace you up like you were jumping out of a Huey. Just fucking crazy tight. He's fashionable. Loosen these up a little bit. You got my tongue up in my fucking socks.

Not a great year for them.

That's the first time I saw an assembly line to make a sandwich.

My dad turned me on to them. Yeah. Because they're comfy for bigger guys. Sure. Rock ports.

My first pair of rock ports were hand-me-downs of his. Mm-hmm.

Shit. Jesus.

What the hell are you doing up there?

You got to do primetime someplace like that. Probably pretty nice. L.L. Bean was banging.

Got a Cartman watch. What are they called? I don't even know what that is.

Yeah.

Get one of those, a couple of carabiners.

Get out of here with that shit. Easter? Fucking bullshit.

Oh, fuck that. All right, buddy, I'm on your side. Fuck them guys. I don't think an Annie Ants is ever closed. They're closing. The mall's on its way out. Sure. I don't think you're wrong. You got snakes in that mall. It's no good. Sure. Get out of here with that. Uh-huh.

When Cinnabon hit, oh, my God.

We were in Annie Ann's family. My family went nuts for those things.

A little bit of brownie on the corner of your lips.

Clover was always a tent pole in a mall. It was always like at the end, the Macy's or the JCPenney's or whatever. Yeah, I'm trying to think of the name of this mall. Our Clover was attached to a Clemens, and then it had a little mart in between, like it was a bunch of kiosks. It was phenomenal. What are you asking? What's my first what? To me, that was the closest one.

Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?

Boscov's was our first one in Wilkes-Barre. They used to do the Halloween. They'd have the witch go from across the street to the other side. I waited in the car. That shit scared the fuck out of me. Sure. They just had some doll or some dummy on a wire, but she would peek out over here, and they had another lady peek out over there.

I was a fragrance model. Okay. At Bloomingdale's. Oh, what do you want me to do? Blow you? What do you want from me, guy? You would have wanted to back then. Spritz as he walked by. All black. My Aunt Jill got me the job. She ran the makeup counter up there. I love those ladies. I love walking through the perfume department at a department store. I hate it because it makes me sad.

There should be some sort of... I always thought their parent company was Strawbridge and Clothier.

I believe so. That's pretty good. I'm sorry. I think your Strawbridge's card, which only when I knew... Only when I knew I had one was my aunt Colleen was talking about her Strawbridge's card. I loved it. Denise had one.

Great department. It was awesome.

The stand was in the middle, and they had the Icy spinning around up top.

Those icies would screw you sometimes, though. You'd be halfway done, but you'd have no more juice. Sure. You'd have to shake it up.

Yeah, what killed me is Woolworths. I believe the Woolworths that we used to go to, they had a big garden section.

Yeah. I didn't like the smell of the fucking gerbils in the back or the fertilizer over in the garden section.

Hated it. It was always cold and creepy. Wasn't a fan.

That's a great question. What store did you get lost in? Or did you lose your parents in?

Mine was a Kmart. I got lost in a Kmart and freaked the fuck out. Some neighbor found me.

Speaking of retail, Patty Foley, manager at The Gap at the Wyoming Valley Mall, as you know. Uh-huh. For a long time. Sure. Maybe about five, ten years she worked there. That's back when The Gap was The Gap. Poppin'. That was, like, new. It was cool. It was, like, off. No, this is lowercase gap. This isn't uppercase gap. This is before The Gap popped. It was cool then.

I talk about it all the time on the show. I loved it. That's a hell of a curse. People would recognize me. Oh, my God, what have you done? Don't fragrance model.

Yeah, it was very Three's Company. Like, it was very 70s. The paint on the walls and stuff like that. She was hardcore.

Actually started the gap.

Doing okay, though. Okay, let's talk about Factor. Shout out to Factor. One of the best in the business. The best in the business. We're talking about Factor meals, baby. Always fresh, never frozen, ready to eat in about two minutes. You throw it in the microwave, absolutely delicious. Listen, springtime's coming. Everybody's busy. Everybody's trying to what?

Tighten it up a little bit for the summer?

Factor meals, nutritious, delicious. You could do keto. You could do low carb. Absolutely fantastic. Kippy likes to try the chicken taco ball. I like the rice over there.

Let's go.

Would you get one of those? Would they get you one of those? Occasionally. Nah, my mom hated them. They never lasted.

No, I didn't shit my pants. This is when I was different. This was peak lacrosse. I was probably about $1.69, $1.70, $1.71. I'm not saying you weren't. Stop cutting me off.

Maybe. But they weren't for anything.

Get the fuck out of here.

That's pretty good. Those guys – I mean, you remember probably when you were in middle school, I was in high school or college. I mean, they had – I was in middle school. You were in college.

Yeah. Sure. They're back.

It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy.

I'm surprised they didn't ask me to do that.

Sure. No, but you have to wear the clothes. Yeah. Which, didn't you have to wear the clothes? Didn't you have to wear Macy's clothes? How were you able to wear your dad's suit?

I thought you had to wear the clothes from the store. My mom did. They wore, like, Gap stuff so people could see how it looked on you. Sure.

Try colored popcorn out of the tin.

I tried to parlay this.

He's hanging out with punk rock kids.

Yeah.

See, I always thought at Foot Locker that you got a bump. Who helped you? Kevin helped me.

DXL, they sometimes give you the full court press. Are you sure you don't need them? They're hanging around. That looked good on you. First of all, nothing looks good on me, lady. I know you're fucking lying to me.

I think I'd be good at DXL.

I think you would be great. You know, my one uncle was a Joseph A. Bank guy. Cleaned up. Just a born salesman. My uncle's brother by marriage. Uncle Joe. Some guy you know. Yeah. Used to move, move, move suits.

I'm selling dupes. CKC. That CKB was a big hit. That CK1, too. I was a polo man. Polo sport. If you wanted to close some ass at Widener University, 1995-96, you better have a little CK1 on you.

That's funny because the last couple times I went in, I dropped a couple of bucks. I was loading up. And I don't remember them falling over themselves.

I think I spent like 300 bucks, 400 bucks the last couple of times I was in there.

No, it goes up to six.

It should be like 10%. They should get 10% unless they're paying them at the wazoo. At the wazoo? Give them a reason to move some fucking gear.

What does DXL stand for? What's the D? Destination XL. Whoa.

Beep. Beep. Badass.

No, it's Destination XL. My bad. It's also tall, too.

Or if they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Dave Trolley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition. She's out starting a new job today. Okay. Gold's Gym. Trainer. Respect it. She's got the winch throw if you need it. Mike Owens is coming at you from across the table. It's what we call a family episode.

Turning cameras off.

You think that the dollar charges would... Ring somebody's bell. What are all these dollar charges? They didn't know, though. I mean, we did the standard when Best Buy was fucking up. When they first opened and they had the shit upstairs, my buddies had the return thing going.

Very, very, very... Of a couple of years ago, a lot of people were doing this. They weren't just doing it at the perfume counter, the cologne counter, which I respect the move. Sure. Okay. I respect it. Go in there and freshen up. A lot of people were going to CVS and Dwayne Reed and shit like that. Going to the and hitting the. You used to do it. What? I used to do it. What?

I would go and I would open up a thing of hairspray or something like that.

I would grab the crew forming cream and just do my hair real quick.

And they're trimming our beards.

Sir, you didn't buy this. It's dirtbag. It's garbage, but I love it.

$100?

A couple of them sandwiches. And if Raj from Quiznos was here, he would tell you the same thing.

I'm going to go get my dicks on. You know what I love as far as cologne? And I get a version of this every year from one of the Byrds family. One of my aunties gives it to me over there. Is... The samples, the little tiny bottles of a... Dude, that keeps you going for the whole year. You got an eclectic... They're all like little samples or little giveaways. I love that around the holidays.

If you buy like a certain bottle of cologne, they'll give you like the pack with like the this and the that. I love that shit. You got like 50 different cologne little babies.

They got Sephora's in there now, too. No shit. The one by us, Sephora right in the middle.

H&M was legit. I was saying the Kohl's toy store, toy department, bunk. Wack.

That's where the ladies got their cuts. Everybody in my family was getting cuts there.

Yeah.

That's why you got to wash your produce, gang. I've pulled it at work before, but in the bathroom. Like a gentleman. Not around other things. No. Have you ever tugged your root here? No. I have not.

That's not true. That was deep. Fucking dirtbag. I've never jerked off in here. That tooties. I wouldn't do that to her. Goddamn ant. It's different psychologically. There he is. Sure. Do that. Your house I have. Sure.

I believe so. Man, talk about coming from the inside.

Second best choice.

Those guys that work in the Barnes & Noble, man, God love them. What? They just take a deal with a lot of shit.

Sure. I just feel like people don't treat the people that work there well. You know what I mean? They boss them around and shit like that. Nobody ever knows where the fuck anything is.

Yeah, so I was going to say, you've got to be a little intelligent to work at those places. You've got to know a little bit what's going on. I feel like people always treat them like shit.

Amazon took them down. Hedge fund, huh? Yeah. BlackRock? Who is it?

CrackRock. Citadel.

Yeah, when are you going to fucking make a purchase?

Talk about a goodwill kid. Jesus Christ. Probably Undertaker would have to do is trim those eyebrows. You'd be all right. Just so he could close the door. They're popping out. He's trying to close the door. Oh, man. That would suck, dying in the suit you're buried in.

Owner will be back in a couple hours. Something like that.

Obviously, you know, at different times in my life, I was... Hey, do you have... You know. A larger size. Yeah. You have anything bigger in the back?

You load me up with a pound of gummy colas and I'll be on my way. Shout out to the gummy colas.

I would. They do that. They do that at DXL. They're like, oh, we can order it for you. Or, oh, the store. What? Are you out of your fucking mind? Seriously, I'm not fucking going to the other.

I believe that's what it was. Yeah, I'm not going to the other. Don't worry about it. I'm not going to the other store. I'll just wear dirty underwear.

Wasn't it an... Hold on, hold on. Yeah, go. Wasn't it an older computer?

Yeah. Like, yeah. That would come up? Hey, they have... It would be in, like, the green lettering and, like, a black thing. It was looking at... It was, like, concave. It looked like a TV screen. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, I don't know why you keep trying to fucking explain. I told you what it was like. And you would be able to search through that? That was connected to something?

I mean, it was 2008. Wow, really? Yeah. I didn't know those were connected.

Do you know the Kardashians? Do you guys have a back?

You know Derek Jeter? Is he there now?

Uh-huh. We'll see you next week. Peace.

Now, if you had to define diminishing returns, the elder Ryan is a superior model to what I look across the table at every day. Hey, good-looking kid. Sharp guy, good-looking kid. He should be a young guy working there. What was I? I was a young guy working there. Quiznos.

I was in college. You were in college? Yeah. So you would be in college and you'd go work in the city? Yeah.

What a loser, dude.

Would you be showing up late to parties with, like, your tie on?

Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and an international man of mystery. Ooh, I don't know where he was last night. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

This guy's down there selling ties like Boris Johnson.

Former prime minister.

Or would it only be when you were in school?

Between that and the Quiznos, I'm out of cash. For the folks that aren't familiar, it's in a very nice historic building in Center City, Philadelphia called the Wanamaker Building. John Wanamaker. Wanamaker's was an old department store. Macy's bought them out. Whatever. Things go. This and that. It's a nice place. It's a beautiful building.

Now get out of here. You think you're Alfani material? So you didn't, it's funny, you didn't have a mall to go wander around. You had to go down the street to get your nourishment.

You know, you know, you know how delusional I am. I thought.

So this is this is winter break. I think either it would have had to been my freshman year after my freshman year of college or in the middle of my freshman year or middle of my sophomore year of college. I was hired. I was paid as an actor, I believe, if I'm not mistaken, or talent or something like that.

The only job that I had, I just had to stand there and hand out cards and spray people and talk people up about CKB, and I'd be in different places in the store.

That's modeling. That's fashion. That's high fashion. Sure. I thought that I was going to get points.

Walk the runway? Break it.

Anna Wintour screwed me out of that gig. She said I was too good looking. She wanted me embarrassed in the French models. How many Victoria's Secret models did you date? I was teamed up with this dying piece. I don't know what ever happened to her. I lost touch with her.

I had my teeth back then. I had been taking a lot of heat about my teeth and my tongue and my face. A lot of job references. Overall well-being. I thought I was going to get SAG credit for it. I swear to God. I mean, you are an all-time bozer. I thought that was the start of it. I thought that's how you get to Milan. Cannes Film Festival.

Thought I was going to be fucking doing H with Kate Moss and Johnny Depp hanging out smoking cigarettes like this. Thought I just went back to Widener and flunked out. I don't need this. I'm in fashion. I worked at West Coast Video my senior year of high school. Okay. That was my retail. I wasn't good with the...

This is crazy. We did sell at West Coast Video. You were able to not just rent, you could buy. I'm aware of that, but nobody was getting it. Retail purchase, right, Luke?

Were you selling? I was a cashier on the floor. I understand that, but would you go and help people? Hey, this shirt, I want to wear this with this. Would you be, like, would you be selling? Did you get commission? No. Commission? I was making $8 an hour. Jesus. 8.15 an hour. So you had no motivation to help people or like, you know, hey, why don't you get the shoes too or get this or whatever?

I thought that's how that worked.

You were walking around in your, what were you in, shirts, socks, shoes?

Right before you met me, your whole world turned around.

Lucky you did that. Or you wouldn't be sitting here with me drinking your seltzer. Kip, let's talk about Light Strike Hard Refresher. Shout out to Light Strike. Shout out to all you party animals out there. The Two Bears 5K is in Tampa, Florida this May 4th and sponsored by the first beverage built to outpace the party.

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I was going to be like, we have to cancel the show. I don't know what this guy's talking about. There's no way those taillights work.

No, it's a superior product. Everybody knows it.

46.

2019.

Of course.

You're talking about shows that aren't booked yet. Relax.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

He got there.

What?

Is it black with the red?

That thing is pretty fucking sweet, dude.

He was a nice guy. He was my teacher. He was my gym teacher. Mr. Duncan. Shout out to Mr. Duncan, dude. Was it Mr. Duncan? Duncan that ass. Duncan his dick in my ass. Duncan his balls in my mouth.

All right. Sorry, sir.

Came over there, blasted you on, trippled up my ass.

A cornucopia.

Of flavors.

I like having cash in the hand. Sure. There you go. It's a one, but still.

The boys.

Did I ever tell you the time... My dad rented a car for like months from Enterprise. Our car had gotten removed from our possession.

Yeah. Probably like a U-Haul. Those things are all. I don't keep track of them fucking thing. I don't know.

I'm like, this ain't, you know. It was a blue neon, too, if I remember correctly. It was a couple of times this had happened. I used to have to drive it to, like, pull up when I was working. We were all working together. I was, like, pull up to, like, fucking supply houses or job sites in a neon blue neon with, like... It had, like, blue on the wheels, too.

And I don't know who that is. And it ain't me. I'll do it.

You're in the convertible.

Good deal. Bad news. Okay. Oh, damn. That's a good frigging time.

Focus on multiple foods at a time. I can see your thoughts. Yikes.

Before I want to take my life.

You're going to have the string in the back. Croakies.

Oh, man. I got two triuncles that wear them things, and they're like looking at a spark plug or something.

Make an effort. Put that away.

And maybe a tube top.

That's not right, man.

We'd go down to her house, and I could smell this. They had this steepest set of stairs to get to the basement, and they were carpeted with that shag car, that dude. I fell down them fucking stairs 38 times. Yeah.

Some cabbage patch undies. Oh, hello. I got them on my head. My uncle comes up. What the hell are you talking about? I was also, I remember that side of the family, I'm not even really sure if they were ever married.

And my brother got a relatively souped-up race car for, I don't know, some gift. And he took it down there to show off my cousins.

It was a row home. It's like a bunch of row homes back up to an alley. And we were, you know. And he goes, I can't wait to get this thing over to the baseball field and jump off the pitcher's mound.

Launch it off the pictures, man.

Yeah, man. I'm not even joking. I think it might have broke. Doing that because I remember vibes being down when we went back to the house and I remember him being like, yeah, I might genuinely might have happened. She was tumbled.

Whatever.

This thing ain't even paid off yet.

Yeah.

I totally get it. That sucks.

Okay. Jesus Christ. See all the grudge.

Sure.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever been in a really weird, tough situation like that with someone else's parents. That I can recall. I have.

You're going to stay here and eat all your food and leave and take a dump in your toilet and get out of here. You're wrong. I'm taking my talents down to fucking Justin's house.

All right.

I wasn't really working in restaurants. I'm saying like my office jobs or whatever. Oh, for sure.

Let's go.

It's been a minute. It's been a minute since we've been in.

You know what? That's what it's all about. Yeah.

You got one of them.

You are not the customer of the month. Wake up with seeds in your hair and stuff.

Sure.

You got to get lowered into that thing.

Yeah, that's a Porsche.

Do it.

Do it.

Boop!

Oh, man.

That's all right.

Oh.

Jesus.

Start again.

Yeah, and the Back on the Block tour starts this week. Tickets still available for Pontiac, Michigan, March 8th. March 11th, Milwaukee Improv. And then March 14th, Minneapolis, Minnesota at the Fillmore. Get your tickets on eBarbers.com. We'll see you there.

Josh Lucas?

Josh Lucas, yeah.

Yeah.

He is.

He's a great actor.

I'm a goddamn comedy and podcast man. My dad just got banned from the roof.

Too old. My mom put her foot down.

You should be good.

Only Zippos.

It's great. Mixing it with vodka is awesome. Yeah, that is awesome.

Sure.

Oh, yeah, Sunny D actually made a vodka seltzer, too. Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right, they did.

Rub a little dirt on it.

Simply cloud to ground lightning that occurs very far away.

Yeah. Wait, what are you saying?

Yeah, so it's just normal lightning. Lightning just further away. That occurs very far away with thunder that dissipates before it reaches the observer. Yes.

That's how your new band you're working on? There's also dry thunderstorms, which I guess are a thing.

I know.

They probably have very stringent rules to become a Costco doctor. Yeah, it's also like, dude, you got to think. Got shareholders. Not for you, though. Otherwise, they're in the mall. You're not going. Going to Cohen's Optics.

They say if you reach out, they'll reimburse you with that and warranties and like about 430, 430. Yeah.

I think that's without insurance, honestly, even. That's expensive. I feel like that's cheap.

Don't forget about the year's supply of pickles it comes with.

Oh, no, it's between $50 and $100 without insurance.

Yeah. Yeah, go to Costco. What are you doing?

Yeah, it's like super cheap down there.

I think surgical tools are usually just pulled from actual... Like they're newly used every time.

I mean.

Also, to take the snake into your house.

Hey, I'll go.

That's actually... That's asking more than like... They eat like twice or once a week. Maybe these people are going to jail.

87?

Peach schnapps and orange juice, baby. That's it?

You can add a splash of vodka depending on the drinker's taste.

I know. Ramen. It's a big guy doing it. Yeah, I get the little saucer plate doing it.

You do it in the green room a lot. You'll try to put on a little bit of hair. I got a damn show shirt on.

Covered in cocktail sauce. You went sicko mode.

Hey.

Wait, what?

Yeah, you do. Yeah, we got a mudroom, too. You do, huh?

You would think they're out to get you.

Fifteen bucks. Fifteen bucks. Make a donation.

Billions.

Home Depot market cap is $421 hundred billion.

That's like how much money is moving through Home Depot.

$421 billion? With a B? Yeah.

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$2,600?

Hey.

Yeah, how about that?

Gang, we got a brand new big merch alert. The 2025 edition of the RU Garbage Card Game is now available at RUGarbage.com. It's 50 brand new questions to find out whether your friends or family are trash.

Doing all right, Ann. Yeah. You're a good kid. Kip, let's talk about soul. Ooh, shout out to soul, gang. Gang, do you need a little help falling asleep out there? I know I do. Sure, we all do. How does bad sleep affect you? That's a big question. It affects you the next day. You're tired. You're cranky. You don't want to deal with anybody.

How about a little nightcap, little gummies to help you get to sleep? Take the edge off. Dude, you heard us talking about souls out of the office gummies. Now get soul's nightcap. Yes. Get a nice night's sleep. Wake up the next day feeling fantastic. And just a little side note, they got the seltzers. I had one of those. They were fantastic.

Gang, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Yes. As a lot of you know out there, Uncle Hank has started a mental health journey. Okay. Feeling better. Feeling good. Got some tools to work on, some things that I need to work on. And I'm telling you right now, that journey wouldn't have begun if I didn't start with BetterHelp. Yes. BetterHelp can actually change your life.

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Man. I didn't really think about that. The bus never really went on the highway unless you were going up first.

Sports were different. We used to take it all the time. But, man, back in grade school. Yeah, it was always a different bus, too. I feel like they put you in a little bit better bus if you were going down to the city or getting on the highway. Ours was the same. Ours, well, we at least have a bunch of a dirt bag.

You'd be on a Chinatown bus?

I don't know if I've ever been on a bus like that.

Uh-huh. I feel like we drove up with the teachers in cars. That doesn't sound right. Yikes. That sounds like a molestation.

Were you a safety back in school? Yeah, sixth grade. In grade school? You were. You were on the job, huh? You had to.

Or maybe not everybody.

Boy's got a dump truck on him. I didn't pass the psych profile. You're in there.

Cards are a good time. You can play them with the gang, play a little drinking game out of them.

Were you going to chase me? Those kids were always dicks.

And then it clipped and wrapped. Did you ever see that? Imagine like. Yours didn't. You wore yours like a gangster wears a tie hanging down his.

Is that true? It's just a game you can enjoy a beverage with. That's all I'm saying. Find out who the trashiest person in your family and your friend group is.

A little lighter.

Officer Eyebrows over here. I really thought I was on the job.

Would you put your plate in your bulletproof vest?

Uh-huh.

Sure.

You do ankle gun or right here?

It's in the trees, Johnny.

You got a new guy with you. Aren't we going to the office? You're in the office, baby. Smash Mouth starts playing. I didn't know you'd get wet. I dipped your chicken fingers in sherm. How's your Spanish? Better learn that shit. Motherfuckers be out here plotting on you.

Wait, why? You were supposed to let everybody on. Until your bus comes, then I'm all duty. I got to get my cool guy seat. You didn't finish the job and let everybody get on the bus and then you get on? Like a good leader would? And then you say to the bus driver, let's go.

You got to eat all the tater tots in the cafeteria. I was always nervous about the pennies when it was penny day.

I know, dude. You would pull those things out of the box and be like, hey, Mr. Smith, did you keep this in your asshole last night? These things stink.

So you mean shut down, shut down the water in the whole place? Shut down the water of a hotel.

Small hands, you can climb through the pipes. Tie a rope around me, send me through to clear it like a rat.

See you on the other side.

I just hear a loud bang. Two seconds.

Those machines are trash.

Did he pay you? He probably gave me like $40, $50. He had nothing to do with you? What? He couldn't leave you?

Typical cop. You're moonlighting. Then you're dead ass the next day on your shift. That's right. Doing a little nip. Taking a little nip to keep it going. Bad lieutenant. I remember he told us we weren't allowed to have lunch because you're not worth shit when you come back.

I'm actually 26. I've been smoking a long time.

You don't got to tell me, Jerry.

Try wrangling these animals at the bus stop, Jer. My supervisor don't get it. You know, I keep telling him. He's threatening to take my badge away. I got my safety.

This is after you were done being a safety. This is the year after safety, yeah. Got a taste of the good life, you know what I mean? Retired. Got your gold watch, you got out. You know the important thing about being a safety? Getting home alive every night. Sure. That's all that matters.

That's how we got Luke Combs on the show. Yes. Playing the card game. Sure.

I wanted to ask you this. I had a little situation yesterday that reminded me of something very, very trashy. Okay. I was at a business. I made a purchase. Okay. A very old school business. Some old school people behind the counter. I believe it was a mother and a daughter that worked there. Can I ask you what kind of place this was and why you're being so vague about it? I wasn't.

I think the two of them go hand in hand. What? If you're praying, you're smoking. Sure. You know what I mean? I respect it.

I've never brought this up to you. Yeah? You do have holes in your socks more often than... We've talked.

Dad's 65, broad's 38. Congratulations. Uh-huh. Shout out to your dad.

I'll get you an apartment.

She's two years. My dad's new wife is two years younger than me. And I'm living there. Listen. You know how I feel about that. So, family's family. You don't have... You shouldn't have any... Listen to me. The kid might be jammed up. Just, you know, restarting. Yeah. He's going to be there forever. You don't know that, though. She don't know that either. Guy's a fuck-up. Back at 40.

Well, she's mom now. Sure.

Take the summer. See what happens. That'd be my thing. Take the summer. Get your feet under you. Save a couple of bucks. Plus find out if she's cool with it. If she is, ride that out. Sure.

I wasn't being vague. You weren't being descriptive. It's not really. It was a bakery. Okay. It's not important to the story. All right. I was picking up a bird. We were picking up a birthday cake for somebody the bird works with. Okay. I get a little thing. Irish soda bread, too. It's fucking. What do you mean, though? March. Okay. Anywho, the total came to 2025.

Why are you assuming there's an argument? What? Because they're at Dollar Beer Night together?

Yeah, I guess so.

And there's tension. There's tensions. You know what I mean? Not at all times, but things happen. Listen, I know I might not see you at Thanksgiving because you don't talk. I wanted to tell you this here. You know, Teresa's pregnant. Salute. Hey, you're assuming they're Italian.

Probably closed soon after.

Can you see if they're still open? Shut down.

And who's DJing tonight?

And the woman behind the counter goes, ooh, 2025. That's an easy number. And then I go, you got to play that number tonight. And the daughter goes, I was just about to say the same thing. That's a dirtbag thing. Dude, we've been doing that. I got to play that number tonight. I got to play that number tonight. No matter what it is.

Goddamn legacy.

Hey, I get it. They made all that money off of you.

That's not what the Boy Scouts is. I'm making the kids responsible for that. The fuck was he supposed to tell his dad not to drink? He's a kid. The dad's not coming back. Sure, I get it. But you're punishing the kids.

It's a bunch of young kids. They probably wanted to watch it, too.

Do that shit. Start a fire.

Not for me. I liked all that stuff. I think I used to read Boy's Life or something like that or whatever that magazine was. Got it. Whatever that magazine was. Or my cousin had it or something like that. Playgirl? Mike Honcho?

A little bit. That was a very big... As a kid. Yeah, that was a very big thing in, like, 80s movies. Go and lay on the hood of the car at the end of the runway. That would be cool. And no fucking Facebook or nothing. Yeah. I mean, you gotta fill the time somehow. Make out.

Of course. Yeah, you can't fucking get anywhere near it. Yeah. Rightly so. Hey. Hey, I don't mind that. Never forget. I don't hate that. That's just the same as driving around and looking at houses.

I like those. Okay. All right, I'm sorry. Cargo haulers, coal trucks. Okay. That's what we used to have. Canadian Pacific was great. That's a nice passenger set. Sure. Lying out.

Yeah, I get it.

I'm all about it. We used to drive by the Philadelphia Naval Yard. Look at all the ships. I used to love that. Sure. Just sitting there.

Yeah.

Shit you saw in Desert Storm, just like all along the side. Intrepid's nice in New York. You come to the city, go check out the Intrepid. It's pretty sweet.

What?

Who, you and Jerry? You guys became fast friends?

What is he, fucking Doug the Head?

Your dad's taking you to an unlicensed boxing match?

I realized as a divorced kid, you spent a lot of time with your dad and one of his boys. Yeah, but they weren't my dad's boys. They were my brother's friend's dads. But you did spend a lot of time with people like Jerry. With the boys.

Hopefully he's on a heater up there.

Jerry's picking you up from school.

They're all at your games watching you.

Little fat ass out there in the head with a soccer ball.

Jimmy McDonough, Jerry Kazalowski. Jimmy and Jerry. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Any Ford Ranger. Any time a number that somehow had a rhythm to it or made sense. I'm going to play that tonight.

That's all right.

He means going through tolls.

They did?

So you weren't allowed to... Right, right, right. Wait, waived it meaning at a later date? Or just... No, just no tolls. Oh, okay. And I kind of... So how did you... Oh.

I need my car.

Don't worry, I'll knock you up.

Listen. It's trash. All right. Stop. They weren't using fucking seatbelts, and they probably weren't using a goddamn car seat. The mom was holding that kid.

Yeah.

I want to say probably breastfed. Want me to find out? No. I'll call her later. Yeah, I was just curious. I would say breastfed. Yeah. I think that was a combo because you can do both. No, you can't. Yeah, you can. I don't think so.

I thought you can't do both because then the kid don't want one or the other. That's what I thought I heard. I could be wrong.

Just throw that out there. Maybe that's why you're well-balanced, because you got both. I probably only got... I was thinking about where my deep-seated, instinctual love of milk comes from. Like, when I drink milk, I have a reaction that... It's the grossest thing I've ever seen.

I have a chemical reaction in my brain that I don't get with any other beverage.

Of course.

I've been a reference on many, many, many job applications.

Yo, by the way, just so you know, I put your name down as a reference. If anybody calls you, manage a restaurant called Skippy's, and I worked there between here and there, and I was a good employee.

That was my brother's move back in the day, not to go for the big jackpot. Go for the little one.

First of all, solid fucking dude.

That's fucking unbelievable.

That might be the most bulletproof dirtbag move I've ever heard in my life. Okay, listen. That made me so happy, dude. That is the sickest move. Like you said, hey, I decided, listen, it might be a good opportunity. I love what I do here. I'm going to stay. I appreciate you considering it. I'm going to go back to the office. I'll be back at the desk. Or they bang out. Boom, here you go.

You know what?

Here's the other side of it. You're talking about being able to check it. Let's say they call. Yeah, this is so-and-so.

Yeah.

That's paying it forward.

Were you looking for another job? You're not happy here?

Yeah. I mean, it's probably pick four, pick three. Big pick four guys.

Well, somehow that led to, you know, do you know this guy? Yeah, would you have to tell them you work together? Yeah. Also, yeah, you can say my old boss. Just random. Oh, bingo. You don't need a backstory.

My old boss randomly reached out to me.

You know? That's pretty goddamn good, man. It's very rare that I'm. His brain's working overtime over there.

Five grand. That's not crazy. Yeah. Yeah, they do two a day. One at noon, one at seven.

In your grandmother's neighborhood. No shit. It's crazy. I always wanted to be one of the guys doing that. What? I'd love to know if anybody out there has ever done that. Let us know. What? Have you ever been the guy drawing the numbers on your local lottery? Do they still do that? Yeah, they still do that. They still draw the numbers. Yeah, I'm sorry. They get some broad or whoever. Uh-huh.

Somebody from some school.

Just film that in the studio three days ahead of time. When I was like nine years old, I got two of them. We were all sitting there together watching it, and I got like six and seven or something like that. You're doing this like you're actually like talking. You're like, uh, 14. For a second, my mom was on her feet. She was about to take me right down to Barnum and Bailey.

The fat one's possessed. Take me to an ATM, start guessing pin numbers. All right. That's neither here nor there, gang. As I said, we're here for a family episode. Uh-huh. As you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon there, you can have your question read on the air by Kevin Ryan himself. Whoa! Former lottery winner.

I saw them over there in the corner. You didn't fucking say nothing, by the way.

You didn't tell anybody you were doing scratchers.

Losers. Just so we all agree, okay? If you win anything on the road, we all split it. I think that's the gentleman's move. What? Yeah. Everybody. Anybody in the van. I don't agree with that. Okay.

Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? It's that little show where you sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a group to be classy. Or if they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition.

All right. If we win, we'll share with everybody. You can share with everybody. I'll share with everybody. I'm taking my money. But that goes for the losses, too.

Whoever has it, I hope you're having a good time.

20.

60.

The tip notwithstanding, and plus we don't know all the details, so we don't want to trash you. It's a little too late for that now. You're dragging his good name. The server shouldn't have gave you a fucking funny face. That's what they want. Listen, every single restaurant in the world, if they could get by doing cash only, they would.

Every server, every restaurant owner, cash only, they would love that. Because the best restaurants don't take reservations and are cash only. I'd push back on that now. Not at all. Not at all. Those old school joints. When you can do just cash.

Okay.

We're going to be having stir fry tonight. A little rock and roll. Yeah, very excited. Okay. She's loving it. She seasoned it up. She said it's going to be delicious. Okay, great. Mike O's is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. Circle the wagons. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?

You mean like as far as like Michelin and all that kind of stuff?

Because they can't get away with it.

A lot of old school places. Old school's different than the best. That are good. That are really good. They do that because they can get away. They don't need to do credit cards. I completely agree with you. Because people will still show up. I completely agree with you. All right, thank you.

The 20s are okay.

$4.50 in your pocket.

Sure.

Yeah, trying to find. It's funny because the nicer banks, when you go to an ATM at the bank.

Well, it figures it out for you.

That's a pretty good time. It's grime time.

How they used to look down on people that would go to ATMs, like me, have to go to the ATM, try to get $10 out of it, try to find an ATM with tens. Now the nice banks, they're giving it away.

He is an international businessman, and he's my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Arayen.

What did you just have in your mouth there?

But I like that move. You should stop at a bank and say, hey, can— Yeah, but then it's like, fuck it.

Fuck that guy. He's getting a 12% tip. Fuck him. I always get funny looks if I have to do that. If I go to—because Navy Federal, it's hard to find a branch. Yarrr. Hard to find a branch, but if I go to another bank, take out money, and then go inside and be like, hey, I had to do that for a wedding not that long ago. Because the ATM only gave 20s. I wasn't going to give 20s.

And I went in, I was like, hey, can you change this for 100s?

No. Holding it up in the light and stuff? I'm pretty sure I gave my cousin a handful. Oh, it is what it is. Of 20s.

I gave it to the groom with no envelope. I was like, here, this is for you guys. Wow, that's a dirt. It was like I handed him a little grenade. He's like, thanks. I'll put it in the box. Keep that for you, for you, for you. But as a former server, I can tell you this. There ain't nothing better when somebody hands you a thing full of cash and says, do you need change? No. Boom. Out the door.

Hey gang, if you haven't gotten your tickets for the Back on the Block Tour, do yourself a favor and grab them now, because they're going fast.

We never really got harassed back behind the little strip mall, behind the Aloha Inn and Joe's Pizza and all that stuff. There was never that, like, cat. I'm out of here. I'm going to whatever.

Remember how anti-skateboarding they were in the mid-90s and early 2000s?

The fuck were you guys doing? Smoking cigs and weed. Were you causing trouble?

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The council was broke.

Do it. Yeah. I wasn't a skateboarder by no means. I don't pretend to be, but I'll tell you what. I always had respect for those kids, and it really took a long time for society to appreciate that. Like, yeah, sure, they look like dirtbags. You got a fat kid wearing fucking tuxedo pants with his arm in a cast. But, you know, like Seinfeld says, a lot of trial and error. You got to get back up.

The boys are back on the road. Woo! Tickets? Listen, this isn't a marketing ploy. A little bit. Well, not really. I'm in the business of selling tickets.

Success by repetitive failure. Crazy. Took a lot of heat. Which means you know a lot about...

You're nuts. Otherwise, it's real tough for a fat guy to start arguing balls and strikes. You're not wrong. You know what I mean? My juju bees are marked out.

I don't want somebody price checking. I can't be fat and cheap. You know what I mean? I don't want someone price checking my cottage cheese or something like that.

How do you need this many olives for? But I respect it. I respect it. But yeah, I would. I'd say, yeah, 50 bucks, 100 bucks.

I don't have kids. I'm not a responsible adult.

I'm terrible with money. I never really think about that shit or look at that stuff.

I'd push you out of the way and fucking take my goods home with me. What are you going to do, chase me down? What are you going to do, run away? I'll walk, casually.

I have bad memories of that customer service counter. My mom only went there for... You're going there for bad news. Three reasons my mom went there for.

Is she a rain check gal? No, but she went there for heaters. They used to sell heaters behind that customer service counter.

Let's take care of this in the back. What do you say? Get some champagne for you. I need to sit down. Getting heaters. Somebody was about to get screamed at or the worst. I remember her cashing a couple of checks there.

Yeah. Carl Hanratty. So then I think they... Her name's Patty Foley.

Yeah. So I never, I always now I've never, I don't think as an adult walked up to that.

I'm not telling trauma and fear.

You know what I've seen the other day? They're really cutting back on the self-checkout. They're starting to get rid of that. It didn't work. They don't like it. People stealing.

Keep an eye on you.

Where are you snagging a 20-ounce Pepsi? What? The impulse cooler in the front? They don't carry bottles at my joint. Yeah, they don't. You're hard-pressed to find a cold drink in a supermarket sometimes. No.

There's always something weird about the soda aisle when it's not refrigerated. It takes me a minute. It's like going back to the 40s, dude. It's weird.

You landscaped. You worked at a restaurant. You worked at a grocery store.

There was one or two. We had a place like that called Folkways, which was a retirement home that I guess they must have had a huge dining hall because everybody I knew worked there. I got shot down for some reason. Lady didn't like the cut of my jib.

Meanwhile, I'm bagging groceries. Might as well be Tony Katane.

Is it nine bucks? I don't know. Because I still have a MySite account.

That sounds like a fascinating summer you had there, buddy. Summer. Most of high school.

It was all to get the patent on the claw. But to answer that question... Patty's my, you know. What question? The one about how off does it have to be. Sure. Patty Foley, 15 cents should be going on the floor. It's off. I get that. And that's, as a kid, that's who I went to the grocery store with. It'd be weird if it went with someone else.

He wanted to know what I like for breakfast in the morning. He a Wheaties man?

100%.

I never emailed anybody with a Mac address. Yeah. When I first got my first and only computer back in 2006.

That's a good time, man. A nice fight with your brother in a hot car in a fucking supermarket parking lot. The worst was rainy. It was dark and rainy.

No one's going to hear you. Cars just shaking from the zoom out. Not as an adult, obviously. My dad got older, and if I would go with them just to whatever and mill around. Uh-huh. But as a kid, I was maybe in the grocery store once with my father. He never went. It was always my mom.

I don't think my stepdad's ever been in a grocery store. Sure. But then every once in a while, my dad would go by himself and show up with the craziest shit you've ever seen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where the fuck? Sure. My mom would be like, what is this shit? Mm-hmm.

Listen. That was the summer of his life right there. Don't get any better than that. 17, 21-year-old.

The guy working the fryer.

I always felt like the deli guys could beat me up. I don't know why.

They were bad dudes. I go to the guys that work the deli at the grocery we go to now. I'm fucking, they're probably 15 years younger than me. I'm yes sir or no sir. Sure. They fucking smash your head open. Sure. And for some reason, you liked when they like you, when they know you. Salt of the Earth people, they're giving you their approval.

I just got the one guy to be like, hey, man, good to see you again. Good to see me again? What time do you get home?

2006 Mac OS X. Bought it in 2018. 17 inch. My dad bought it for me.

Oh, that phone's disgusting.

But you have it like a wall, like a landline. You have to pick it up. It's like that phone. It's that red phone. That's crazy.

They're transients. Your mom had three kids in the house, two boys, two growing boys. Sure. What was the usual routine? Highest amount of deli meat that you would get. It would be a pound, right? Pound. Pound of turkey. Pound of turkey. Pound of turkey, pound of cheese, half pound of cheese.

Kip, let's talk about Adam and Eve, baby. I'm hard right now, gang. Let's talk about getting weird, baby. Gang, let's talk about Adam and Eve. Let's talk about Valentine's Day coming up. You got to get something special to slam in your butthole. No. That's what the holidays are all about. Have a little fun in the bedroom. It's 2025. You, your partner, you, whatever. Neighbor, anybody.

Do yourself a favor. Have a little fun. Get over to Adam and Eve. Get a little toy.

And he was the worst with computers. And for him to be like, you got to have a computer. What are you doing? How the hell are we going to email you, guy? This is the guy who used to send emails all in caps because that was his style. That's who I was taking.

Do it. I just remember as a kid holding a pound of turkey, how big that was.

Like, you're like, they're going to send you to jail. We have that now. That literally just happened to me and the bird the other day. And when it's me, she'll fucking disappear for 45 minutes. I was gone three seconds. She's fucking popping out like this. She's almost done. God forbid. Same goddamn credit card. But then you got to then you fuck it up. You got to go then you close that out.

You got to go back for one more thing.

Yeah, obviously on like a Saturday or something. Yeah, no, of course. You got to sneak through. Sorry, I'm actually, I'm with him.

You ain't sneaking nowhere. Those New York City lines are tight. But when your mom would disappear, I remember being like, is she ever coming back? Like, is this just how it is?

That's a dirt bag, but I respect that. Give your little kid. Don't tell anybody the code. One, two, three, four.

I'm all voice to text, voice to email, voice to text.

What do you mean? You know, the pen, you check the bill. Check the bill. Check the $100 bill.

I'm sure, like, you know... You'd be fucking handling that?

Well, I got rid of my fucking ear pods because you said they were causing brain cancer, and I got the fucking— Buddy, you could use a little bit of it. Maybe get the synapses fired on the right pages.

I don't know what to tell you, lady.

Popping out. Who would man your post? What do you mean? Because wouldn't they be, would you have to call somebody to the front? You have to tell them, hey, can I, so say it's like.

How foreign is this to you?

But I remember being like... Dealing with your fat ass.

Dude, those things are in there forever.

Tanks are still around.

Lobster tanks at the grocery store?

The diner near me used to have one for a long time. Maybe that'd be restaurants. You'd go in and go, I want that.

A restaurant's different. That's nice. Seafood joint? That's nice. Anything like that, my dad was always shifty about, so he'd go to fucking... Like a Captain Chucky's type.

You'd stop at the seafood store and be like, oh, fuck. They did that. I remember. Valley full of candy. Going there, that place smells like low tide.

You look over, the top goes down real quick.

There was a higher-end clientele. Oh, seeing how my friends' parents' money shopped, it was nuts.

Not like the chip beef. Chip beef cologne you're wearing. I'm in my dad's old pants.

Kathy still not want to talk to me? I don't know why you used to never come over. She thinks I'm gross.

Hey, hold on. You're asking the mom if you still see your daughter around?

You think that's what you would say? Fucking dork.

You're not a black olive guy, right? I'm not an olive guy. Huh. You get them at a nice plate at the table with the little olives. I don't touch them. Really? No. And you weren't eating black olives out of a can as a kid? I'm not doing that now. I used to crush them. My dad would eat them like chips.

He would just crack open a thing of that and put them in a bowl and just be popping them while watching TV.

I don't get what you don't understand. You got your Toll House. You got your Ritz.

But there's now 10 different versions of each one of those. Listen, you want to start getting into fucking Garden Tomato or fucking Salsa This. You're on your own.

Does this shirt fit? Not in the traditional sense that you're thinking. Do you know where this shirt's from?

To their credit. If they're launching one of those things, say Wheat Thins has, you know, ranch Wheat Thins, low-fat ranch Wheat Thins, they'll have them in a little thing up front in some broad town he had over in the cookie cracker aisle. It's a new flavor.

A slice.

Who? They're taking away the register people. They're not fucking putting greeters in there.

Keep an eye on it. I think Wheat Thin should supply that. They should have somebody from corporate.

I'm running back and forth between the deli and there. This is a dumb question. You've made a cracker sandwich before, right? What's that? Like a cracker with cheese and a piece of meat in between two crackers. You've done this. I love it.

You don't remember this shirt? Why would I remember that shirt? I got married in this shirt. Damn. It don't fit anymore? That was two weeks ago. It fits. It didn't... No, I mean, okay. It fits. Just when I said... It didn't... What? I mean...

You got to put a lid on it. I assume this wasn't you, but as a kid, a peanut butter and jelly in between two like Ritz or something like that.

Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy, but they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootie's in the new edition.

But if you got a little piece of sausage, like that summer sausage or a piece of cold kielbasa and some fucking sharp cheddar cheese, a couple of wheat thins, maybe a dab of Dijon.

Wait, that does the ready-made board?

Sometimes it's wild when those things don't go cracker.

Salami? I don't like doing that. I know. One, I'm surprised you're a salami guy. I'm surprised he's a cheesy guy. I was a big salami and cheese kid as a sandwich growing up, and I would press it down and smush it. I didn't like that.

I never liked that.

You're wearing the shirt you wore to your wedding just casually throughout New York City. I was thinking about that when I put it on this morning. What am I supposed to just wear it once? Am I supposed to just hang it up and that was it? Why not get some use out of it? Why is that crazy? It's not like I'm wearing it. I don't know anybody else that's ever done it. That's all I'm saying.

I'm surprised there's not a... You know how people storm into CVS? They steal stuff. People storm in a liquor store, steal liquor. That is the... If you're an addict, that is immediate get fucked up on the spot. Just run in there. It's going to take... As long as there's nobody stocking in there, they're putting the eggs away or something like that.

If you've got a clear dairy aisle, you could probably get down like five cans of that before someone comes in.

Won't wake up.

That was always when shit got real. I remember a couple of kids being yanked out of high school for being drunk or fucking doing dust off or something. Sure.

Because most people get married in suits and tuxes and all. I wouldn't be walking around in a tuxedo. If I bought a tuxedo, there's a good chance I'd be sleeping in it. Yeah, I could untie that. I'd do that bow tie every day. That cummerbund's a pain in the ass.

Crazy, dude. Hot bag of wings.

And that's thin plastic. That had to stretch from the heat a little bit.

But, I mean, listen. I don't use those a lot, and I get a look when I don't use them. What? Like, I'll just put the three avocados on the belt or the three limes on the belt or whatever.

I don't hate it, man. I've done that. I see people. We have a little eating section next to the hot bar at the place we go to. I tell you what it looks like. In the afternoon, on a nice sunny day, someone's just sitting down there having lunch. I love it. I'm like, man, I'd like to sit and join you guys. There's some weird toys scattered around.

That's a good time. That was a summer night right there.

Okay.

Gang, we love you. Grab tickets to the live shows. Check us out on Spotify. Check out the Patreon. And we will see you next week. Peace.

Listen, unless the planet's gone off its axis and we've lost half our gravity, these numbers cannot be right. That's a high end scene, pal.

Wait, you sweat-panted them? Rolled them down?

She's upstairs digging out an ingrown toenail. Okay. You got a hot date tonight. I can't. You're a lucky guy. That's a Foley right there. Mike Coase is coming at you from across the table. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

You might as well have Cindy Crawford do it.

Anyway, it's a nice shirt. I like it.

Oh, you mean today or for the wedding?

Because both would be true.

Nice shirt, but don't spit me this sentimental bullshit. Well, it means a lot to me now. It means a lot to you. You're still fitting it, all right? Tough guy. I can't remember what happened to the one that I was going to wear. Didn't fit. No, it did. I don't know why it didn't work or the pants didn't work. Oh, it didn't work with the pants. I couldn't wear the tan pants.

I had to wear the dark pants. I had to get this. Either way, don't fit.

Your friends are Ronnie, right? You remember every once in a while when your dad or somebody would get a nice new coat? It would have an extra lining in it that kind of zipped out. Sure. Like a London fog. It would be for when it was a little bit colder.

Which, speaking of super fresh... Sure. That's what we're here to talk about.

And a heart of America. Everybody's got a food shop. It really is. A lot of nostalgia, which we've talked about many times before. Very much so. Very important. The supermarket.

I'm having flashbacks from Studio 54. If there are any epileptics out there, shade your eyes. You've got to look at this shirt through one of those fucking eclipse glasses.

There's a little mystery to it. Sure. Plus, it was around Christmas. It was very Christmassy. No, it's not. Yes, it is. That's Christmassy?

Design like this is a lot of different things.

Man, I told we used to be about 10 feet of asphalt, like a little driveway. I love driving behind a shopping center like that. Cutting across. It feels dangerous when you're doing it. But then it's got to have about 10 feet of that. Then the woods. Yeah, there's some sort of tractor trailer or something back there.

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The boots on the ground. The sleeper cells. That's right. Let me tell you this real quick. I was at Patty's last night. Funny you mention that. Me too. Really? Thought I saw some extra small condoms laying around the bedroom. That's when I finger. Ew! Little dental jawns. This broad goes, are you hungry? I say, I could eat. She's like, I got some frozen pizza in the freezer.

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Rocket Money helps you cancel those subscriptions, helps you follow your spending, lets you know what you spent last week, last month, lets you look at those numbers and say, hey, I got a cut back here. I got to pick it up here. You know what I mean? So do yourself a favor. Get over to Rocket Money and get your finances all straightened up. They're absolutely fantastic. Yeah, I'm a big fan.

I love getting the weekly updates. I got one today. Hey, you spent too much over here. Hey, big charge detected. I was like, how's that Burger King?

It is, but it's fantastic. Listen, we are not financially literate, and Rocket Money is helping us wrap our heads around spending, around money, what to do. Listen, I get drunk, and I'll order some sort of streaming event, and then next thing you know, I'm signed up online. Got a Jazzercise. Yeah, I'm signed up for shit. I don't know. They tell you, you hit it, they'll cancel it for you.

It's fantastic. I told you I signed up for some Eastern European fighting event or something like that. This guy's trying to learn Swahili. Rocket Money came in and said, nah, not my boy. Stop charging them. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash garbage. That's rocketmoney.com slash garbage.

One more time, rocketmoney.com slash garbage. Do it. Yeah. But that's neither here nor there, gang. We got a gosh darn family episode on our hands. You guys know when you join the Patreon over there, you get to ask your garbage question on the air. Read by Kevin Ryan, everybody. Whoa, hey, with new doorknobs and all. Look at this guy. All right, let's see. This one...

I'm shocked this never came across our desks. Hit me. This is from Nick. Hey, gang, $10 wedding donator. What's trashier? In the cabinet, cups facing up or cups facing down? Cups facing up. Is trashier? Trashier. I don't know about that. That is restaurant 101. Yeah, but the restaurants sit on the mat to let it breathe. You don't have a thing in there? I don't think so. Oh, yeah.

We have that stuff, that netting. Yeah, but that stuff's like that rubber. You need like an industrial restaurant. It's not a fucking Chili's. We're not moving that. We're not turning tables like that. That mat's grody. That's not letting enough. You need... This is my take, personal take. I think you go up unless you have a proper thing in there. No, the bugs and all that stuff get in there.

Bugs get in where? Get into the cups and dust fall into the thing. It's upside down for sure.

I mean, there's no bugs in my fucking kitchen cabinet. Sure there's not. They're in there with the spices and stuff and the flour having a field day. Everybody knows there ain't nothing to eat in there. All fucked up on garlic salt. Proper way.

Rim side down. You can store glasses rim side down to prevent dust from collecting. This is especially true for glasses that are used less frequently or stored in the back of a cabinet. That's rim side down. So it's supposed to be up. Yeah, rim side up is technically the correct way to store glasses because the rim is the most fragile part.

It's especially important to store fine glass more like crystal and vintage barware, which I use a lot. I use a lot of crystal. I got a couple of wine glasses. I have them hanging. Are you working at a Bennigan's? Are you living at a Bennigan's? Above the bar. We have a little thing that slides underneath the cabin. I know what, Matt, you're talking about. Yeah, it's thin.

Yeah, I don't think that thing gets. You turn them over. They're gross. Listen, I know what you're supposed to be doing. I don't think you're. That gets Charles grody on you. I flip them. No, you don't. Every Saturday. I cut my lemons. When I do my side work. Do my pre-shifting. Yeah, that's a great... I never thought about that. Are you stacked up in there? The glasses?

You're talking to the flatbread freak, baby. So I'm thinking, all right, French bread, Elio's, DiGiorno, something's coming at me, okay? She pulls it out, and it's... Sure, you're pregnant. What you doing? What you doing next? I'm on the edge of my seat. She pulls it out, and it's two regular slices. Whoa. She froze pizza. That's crazy. She knew you were coming.

No. Because we have multiple pint glasses that are stacked up. That's trashy. That's trashy. Is it? Yeah, I don't do that. We don't have any pint glasses like that. For our car bombs. Are you dropping or pouring? That's a big... big thing when you do car bombs. Dropping or pouring. You always drop. Yeah, but sometimes if you're ordering them at... I didn't always frequent fine establishments.

A lot of times the bartender don't like washing. They order eight car bombs. That's their fucking nightmare. They're in the weeds at a Flyers or Phillies are on or something. Because we used to do it every time... A home run. If we were watching the Phillies playoff, home run meant car bombs. Same thing if the Flyers scored in a playoff game. Jaeger and Guinness, right?

No, Guinness and Whiskey and Bailey's. Jameson and Bailey's. Jesus. And you drop it, but you can only drop it if you have an actual pint glass and an actual shot glass. But they don't like doing all that fucking laundry. They get the plastic ones. And if you're ordering them, they're like, oh, these fucking idiots, this is going to be like the fifth one tonight.

They give you a plastic cup so you got to fucking pour because then you get a floater and that'll jam you up. I wouldn't do car bombs with the glass. I was scared the glass was going to shatter and I was going to swallow glass. That's part of it. You're running the risk when you're fucking partying. Meanwhile, I'm sniffing whatever in the bathroom. Yeah, sniffing glass. Gives a shit.

I wasn't a car bomb guy. I wasn't a Guinness guy. That didn't hit. Car bombs hit. The bombing. The bombs really hit when I was banging in my teens to 20s. Jaeger bombs, car bombs. We were doing Golden Schlager. You and the other girls? Appletinis, you know. Appletinis. That was before me, but Appletinis was big. Sure. Every movie, everything, Appletini, Appletini. Sex and the City.

Is that what it was? Cosmos, Sex and the City, Appletinis. Casual sex, too. One broad got after it. Shout out to Samantha. They all did. Love that Kim Cattrall. All right, this one's from OK Buddy. Great name. That's pretty good. OK Buddy. OK Buddy. Long time $10 bozo, never have one read.

Is it garbage if your gym is inside an old grocery store and they didn't remove the cart corrals from the parking lot? That's a tough look. But those things are probably hard to get rid of and dispose of. Sure. Those things are fucking anchored down in there. You do push-ups and shit on those. Hang pull-ups. Yeah.

Rosses or whatever. I mean, it makes sense, but I feel the corrals are a tough look. But at the same time, you're working on your fitness. You don't really give a fuck. A lot of gas stations don't get rid of the tank. You know that? When a gas station closes down, they don't get rid of the tank. Yeah, that's bad.

Real expensive to get off of, yeah. And then... Don't drink the water in there. Yeah, so it's like a Starbucks pops up or something or a Subway, and it's like fucking... You're on borrowed time for a sinkhole. Yeah, drinking fucking 93, dog. Let it... Let's go. All right. Also in the same vein, this is International Man of Garbage. Is it garbage to drink soda out of the can with a straw?

It always rubbed me the wrong way. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Yeah. No, right?

I don't. Unless you're in fucking double cast or in a coma or something like that. Sure. That's weird. If you're in a hospital bed, I'll let it slide because you got to bring it to you.

Girls, women did it. Yeah, chicks, I guess. My one classy aunt, Aunt Kate, shout out to you. She said one time I handed her. Only drank tall boys. And car bombs. She's dropping in car bombs. But she hit me with it. She goes, oh, I don't do tinnies. I handed her. She's like, can you get me a Diet Coke? I handed her a Diet Coke. You told me this. She goes, I don't do tinnies. Tinnies.

I was like, ooh. I don't like the lead. But that's it. I think I've mentioned this before. That's a New York thing. When I first moved, you buy a beer. You buy like a fucking can. You buy a pound or a Bud Light. Because of the rat shit. Because of the rat shit and piss. They give you straws. And I'm like, fucking miss me. Just rub your fucking, rub it on your shirt.

I've only started to think about when those, like when these were made or like when the sodas were made and how long they've been sitting in some warehouse or on some shipping container or something like that. I don't worry about that at all. That's why if I get, sorry, if I get candy, I always do the holiday stuff. Because, you know, it's fresh. They push that years. I know they do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to work in a chocolate industry. That's how you made your first million. Don't buy dollar store candy. I'll tell you that much. Get a little bit of kippy sweat in there. Get all that Stover's money. Stover's. Love a good Stover's. You like a Stover's? Russell Stover's? Little assortments? I eat them all. I didn't mess around. Really? I like the variety.

Nah, coconut can kick fucking rocks. Whitman. It's a nice Whitman sampler. Want to get me something nice? I'll get me a nice Whitman sampler and shut the fuck up. Let me enjoy myself.

The fucking day before Christmas. God damn it. Jamming me up. All right, let's see here. This one's from Jessica. $10 homie, never have one. Jesse. First of all, shout out to the $10 homie. If you're a homie, you know $10 is the way to go. Yeah, appreciate value. Best value on the internet, I would say, for the $10 level. Is it garbage for the school bus to drop you off at a job? Oh. God, dude.

In high school, I was dropped off at the subway I worked at inside of a gas station. What the fuck? Tough luck. How does the school... That's a fucking wellness check right there. Yeah, I mean... Who else was getting dropped off there? Where the fuck does the bus start making ends meet? It's not an Uber. I would assume that's a handshake deal you got with the bus driver.

Hey, listen, do me a favor. Or, like, you know, a lot of times, back when I was banging, if I wanted to go somewhere after school, like, say I was, like, the fifth bus stop getting, like, off, and I wanted to go to, like, my buddy's house that was... further on the route. Okay. I would get off closer to his house. You know what I mean? I would get on my bus, pass my bus stop.

Oh, they wouldn't say something to you? What? Oh, we couldn't do that. I would just be like, I'm going to fucking Matt's or something. Nah, we couldn't do that. I guess it was still the 90s and they were still worried about kids getting yanked. I mean, they were more worried about kids getting yanked in the fucking 2000s. I don't know. They were tight. If he saw it, what do you do? He'd stop.

You got to go back. You had to get off it. You're stopped. I think, yeah, but I think we could massage that a little bit. I mean, I did it. You couldn't get on another bus. You weren't allowed to do that. Oh, they'd shoot you.

What the fuck? I mean, listen. Next step is your freeze drying shit like a psychopath. That goes in the fridge and is eaten the next day for breakfast with a couple of scrambies. I was like, when the fuck is this from? She's like, the summer. The summer. Fucking December. Nah, that's crazy. Yeah, that's got a short shelf life. Plot twist. Not too bad. Not bad.

kidding me i remember it god damn no fly list there was a kid always on the bus when we got on the bus he was coming from like the tech school or so he was at high school we were in junior high and i went to school with his brother and his older brother would be on the bus who was like my older brother when you got on in the morning or in the afternoon he got picked up they got out they got out like 12 30 he got picked up from

Halfway, I don't know, some sort of institutional program. Yikes. And he would be on there bragging about, I mean, first of all, he was about your size at 17. He was a big boy. Good-looking kid. And listen, you are a good-looking, bigger guy. You think so?

This guy looks more like a toe.

to drop you off after school. That's what your parents just told you. Yeah. I mean, are you just putting that together that your parents were like, this kid has special needs? We're going to lie to him and tell him that, like, hey, your normal bus is long. This one's good. Oh, the helicopter's not coming today. Yeah, man, you are.

You ever see the kids in the station wagon, the school station wagon? No, we had like an Astro van. I don't know who was in that. That's like Hannibal Lecter shit. Getting dropped off in like an ambulance or something. Dude, I remember a proper old school station wagon that said school on the back of it.

Two O's, you said it right. I was on the short line. So when you were leaving school... What a tight turnaround. What is this guy? He's a fucking Delta? What do you mean?

Were there other kids that got off at your stop?

I'm saying your regular bus.

Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find it has to be classy. Just a big old piece of trash. Yes, sir. I'm your host, Tate Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootie's in the new edition. She's already into the NyQuil. Okay.

Yeah.

Good night's sleep, sir. I got a giant Hodor. Shut up, Fannington. Carrying me on his back. Take me to homeroom. Oh, God, man. Jam up city. But getting dropped off at work in high school is... That poor kid. Get out there working. She's probably got a great work ethic. The subway at fucking a gas station? I stay clear of news.

I mean, I'm fine with... It was tough when Dunkin' Donuts started going into gas stations for me, but I got over pretty quickly once the hash browns dropped. And that Baskin-Robbins when those two teamed up. Fucking planet went to hell in a handbasket. Saw it writing on the wall. You can never get the Baskin-Robbins. It was mainly Dunkin' focused. That guy did not want to scoop your ice cream. No.

Try to get a taste out of that guy. Fucking cursing at you under your breath. Sure. Every Sunday came with a little bit of spit. He's got bagels burning. You're asking him to taste 31 flavors. You don't know what bubblegum ice cream tastes like, you fat little bastard. All right, let's see here. This one's from Noodles. Shout out to him. $10 homie, never had one read.

Is it garbage to insist on getting a flat top haircut as a 7-year-old fat kid because I was an Arnold Schwarzenegger ride or die at the time? Dude, that, I mean, that was 90s. A hot, sharp, new, fresh flat top in the 90s. Yeah. That thing was tight. They loved the high and tight in the 90s. Yeah. The fuck. Sharp. Yeah. One of my biggest regrets. 90 degree angles on that, John.

One of my biggest regrets is I did a production of Biloxi Blues at the Hedgerow Theater in my training. And we went and got our haircuts and I could have got a flat top and didn't. Mm-hmm. And it was just regular buzz. I look like an idiot. Because I don't have... My hair's real thin, so it looks like I'm... Mine too. So it looks like I'm balding.

You're freezing regular slices?

But a flat top really would have brought the character home. What characters you do in Biloxi Blues?

That was the love interest.

I don't know. I was the mean guy. Kowalski. Whatever. You stunk. Where is he? Private... You're more of a Captain Haley kind of guy. Captain Haley? Where do you see him? Or Corporal Haley. I don't remember that guy. That's what you look like, Doug. That must be the Broadway production. The European production. That's Broadway's production. Ain't fucking lumping in with him. Was that Walken?

Oh, yeah. Walken was in the movie. Man, I forgot he was great. You ever see that? No. Neil Simon.

This is what you encourage. What, did you see the maid do this when you were younger or something? You fired her immediately, but kept the idea. Stole the intellectual property. These broads are getting older. They're going to end up in a home pretty soon. They start putting a cat in a freezer and shit. They don't know. They save everything.

More of a Paul Simon guy. How you doing? More of a Garfunkel man. More of a notes guy. Overnight. Like a guy that hits the high notes. You know what I'm saying? A little falsetto. None of that baritone bullshit. Anybody can write the tracks. Talking about a guy coming over the top, over the drum kit. Phil Collins. Treat me right. All right. Let's see here.

This one's Mark W. Is it garbage if your whole family gambles on the length of the speeches at your cousin's wedding? That's a good time. The speeches. Listen, I hate a speech at a wedding. Hate it.

i'm unemotional i i get it's just too much i don't love it i get that a lot of the family loves it i get that the the it's very nice for the bride and groom not for me but that would make it very interesting if you're getting pull all action on it you know what i mean yeah that i can get behind somewhere just too long hit it sweet at 90 seconds and get the fuck out of there i mean this is well documented you brought this up but

I got the fucking, I got the recipe for fucking success. That's the one thing I know how to do. And I've told thousands of homies and bozos what to do. Get up there. You don't go too funny. You don't go too sincere. You don't start crying. You thank her. You thank him. You thank the families. You say something nice about him. You say something nice about her.

Then you hit him with the H-Foley toast and you get the fuck out of there. What's that toast with a little bit of cream cheese on it? Bacon bits. It's more of a French taste.

That's my secret. Yeah, of course. All right, let's see here. The Milkman is a great name. Is a garbage you get a tattoo at a flea market? I didn't even know you could do that. Also, somebody commented my uncle did that. So apparently, I guess I would assume lower end flea markets are Do you like a flea market, Kevin? I love, love, love, love a flea market.

Me and my wife were driving in the burbs no more than two, three weeks ago. I see a real ragtag flea market. You stopped. Oh, we pulled in. Wow. I popped. She was not a fan. Uh, of it. I just love people on their last leg selling their last belonging. Well, you know, it's a bad flea market when the wooden tables are out there.

Even when the flea market's not there, you drive by the lot and all the, all the tables are there. There's a handful I grew up around where they're just, like, in an empty lot on the side of the road. There was the Montgomeryville Mart that we used to go to that was like a flea mart, but it was there all the time. Did you ever go to Rice's? I love Rice's. We used to go there.

That's why I wrapped my first lumen around a telephone pole cutting school going to Rice's.

That's where we got our butterfly knives. It was only Tuesdays and Saturdays. Let me see if we can get a Rice's Flea Market, right? Bucks County. Pull up the actual website for it. They don't have a fucking website.

They think it's like wartime when they're not going to be able to get another fucking pizza pie delivered in 30 minutes or less. I've said it many times here on this podcast and on the Patreon. Since my dad has passed, the cooking, the refrigerator, it's fucking real subpar, man. It's a lot of... Poor morning woman, and you're over there breaking her fucking stone.

Rice's Sale and Country Market. Ooh, look at that. Shop's Tuesdays. So Saturdays. Oh, that's nice. Now, it wasn't like that when we were kids. There was no potted plants. No. There was some fucking Mexican shakeweed. Yeah, that's where you want to go right there. That kid right there will give you eggs that will fucking blow your hair back. That's nice now. I mean, I haven't been in 25 years.

But that's where you could get solid fireworks. And I think the butterfly, there was one, I think we wanted switchblades or something. And the switchblade guy was only there on Tuesday. We had to go on a Tuesday for some reason. I forget why. So we would cut school and go up on Tuesdays. I didn't even make it out of the neighborhood until I crashed my car.

We would go there after, so Friday after Thanksgiving, we would go to the King of Prussia Mall for the day with like the four or five families. Everybody would go up there, embarrass ourselves. And then Saturday, a smaller squad would go down to Rice's. They didn't take the kids a lot on those things. I don't know why. They're tricking down there or something. Turning tricks, couple of jobs.

Shooting dice. But it would only take a couple of kids. Gangs, nothing to do with the holidays like Aura Frames, baby. The easiest gift to give this holiday season. Do yourself and your family a favor. Hook everybody up this year. Make this the Aura Frames year where you blanket the block with Aura Frames. Get it for your mom, your mother-in-law, your sister.

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It's like, nah, these are the Cadillac of socks. These are socks. They also have their slippers designed with marshmallow-like memory foam that are all wrapped up in Sherpa. Once you put them on, you're never going to take them off. Plus, they got a great mission.

It's a lot of... Keeping your fat ass in Zod. You ate it, didn't you? I had it. I had to put a lot of hot sauce on it, though. Really, really... Which I had to really dig to find that. Really church this thing up a little bit. It's a lot of fucking quarter pounds of... Weed? Hashish? Not a sour diesel for breakfast. No, it's a lot of quarter pound of... Lunch meat. No, chicken salad.

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I don't like the flea markets that are pretty much just like bad garage sales. You know what I mean? Where it's just like, I like them, but there's never anything real. Like in theory, I like the hunt of like, oh, I could go there. I actually stopped to look for stuff for like tooties. Like, oh, we can find a cool... Fucking something like that would be really cool on set. And I stopped.

And I mean, it's just like it's it's rough. It's real rough. It's like they got like oxygen tanks and they're sitting there catching.

No, they're on them. I was going to say, pick up a tank for the boys. Talking about clean living.

Uh, yeah, it's just never anything, and it's like, you always see the same, like, this box of whatever this got, this package, if they do have packaged goods of some kind, it's been in and out of a trunk and a box 50,000 times, and it's just, like, broken and ripped and whatever, and it's like, it's just never shit you want. I love one that's like, hey...

There's one on the Upper West Side that we bounce around to.

Yeah, that's a nice one. Yeah. But they got like, hey, I make furniture. I make coffee tables. I make cutting boards. I make these. I make that.

Sure. Good pickle stands. You got good specialty food stands. Love all of that shit. I just don't like the... And I do love a garage sale. I do love... Like I said, I would grow up... We would go trash picking, looking for... I like to search. I like to hunt. Gotcha. But... They're just anymore.

It's like just old musty shit that lives in their trunk, and then they go to the next one on Tuesday, then the next one on Wednesday. It's just not my cup of tea. You jogged a memory of could be a good are you garbage question. Growing up, did any of your family members, was there an oxygen tank in the house? Sure. I don't think so. My Aunt Mary had one. She was young, too. I never saw her use it.

Daryl was like, don't smoke around that. Get away. Don't play with that. I didn't realize that that would blow up. Yeah, I mean, I think if you're like pure oxygen, I'll go up. Sure. I don't know. I never. I thought I got the challenger, I think. I don't think. I don't think the astronauts were on oxygen in that thing. I think there was oxygen. That didn't help the situation. Sure.

All right, let's see here. This one's from Beardo. Is it trashy when you're out at a restaurant and you use the condensation from your drink to get any foreign substance off your hands, such as anything sticky? That's a pro move. Pro move. Pro move. If you're jammed up, you wet it, then you hit the paper towel, maybe hit it again. I'm not opposed to an ice cube snack.

It's not classy, but if you're jammed up. Cold glass, cocktail napkin, and a wedge of lemon. It's like taking a shower.

Fucking get all in there. You know, also isn't bad if you're at a bar and they hit you with the fucking, you order like a draft beer, they hit you with the bar napkin. Mm-hmm. Put that on there, maybe a little overflow, a little drip, just that moisture on there. That'll get you going. That'll get you where you need to go. Brush your teeth with that thing. Dude, a pit's in the grundle.

Keep it moving, daddy-o. It's a mando before mando. Uh-huh. All right, speaking of parents' houses, this is from Hulk. Is it garbage to stop at your parents' house just to get food from their fridge to eat at your own house? That's a big thing now. Kids do that. College kids do that. College is different. I did it in college for sure.

But I would understand if it's like leftover, hey, she's got her some sort of leftover there. You know what I mean? But like, I mean, if you're popping by and eating like a bag of chips or something. I took home three slices of frozen pizza from Ben's. What were the slices, by the way? It's a good question. It was Franzones. First of all, they were whole pies. It was Franzones. It was a Franzones.

The lunch meat. They stop, they will listen. The lunch meat, you don't go near, because this fucking broad knows that we break her balls about throwing up the lunch meat. She'll take the old stuff and put it in a new thing. Yeah, it's crazy. And then put the new stuff in a Ziploc bag. I don't know what the fuck I'm eating. Uh-huh, yeah. The cheddar's Munster, the Munster's Swiss.

Shout out to Franzones in Contra Hocken if you're looking for good pizza. Sweet pie. Delicious. Get the onions on it. Balanced everything out. It's unbelievable. They were all slices of Franzones with onions.

Thin slices.

Sure.

It's like a salad. There's vegetables involved. Yeah, I took them home with me. But I did it for the pizza. What? You don't freeze pizza, man. You're trying to free the pizza? Freeing the pizza. Get you guys a good home. Like Dodo. He goes around and picks up the stray dogs. I mean, you are genuinely something else. I'll tell you this. If you do freeze the pizza, you got to eat it that night.

Because by the time I got it home, put it in the fridge next day. Oh, you can't do that. No. That starts getting... That turns into... You got spores on there. It's like Ridley Scott directed it. Like an alien... Fucking onions were moving. No bueno. That one's looking back at you. Hey, buddy. All right, this is from OTA.

Is it garbage to think you can beat anyone up because you quote unquote see red? That's a big dirtbag move. I don't know, man. I just see red. Sure. That and like... I got to have a you get like that was like in high school or college. Like, you know, I get fucked. I have four shots and I'm, you know, it was like I got to be drunk to fight type thing. Sure. That was always a dirt.

I was always a kid about to get his ass kicked. Yeah. Never really. I never looked at it like that. I never thought I could win. But now I was going to fight you. Does that make sense? There's frozen pizza on the line. I'll get my ass kicked. I would never say I'll beat your fucking ass. I've yelled that a couple of times. I would just say I'll fight you. Beat me up, you beat me up.

You want to do wiener versus wiener? What do you want to do? You still already had sex with your girlfriend, so whatever you do to me, pussy. Tough break, loser. I already beat you on the bag of blow. The fence will be here in any minute. I already won. Yeah, I think any time I was in a fight, I was, again, huge lack of confidence, huge. And you had to be a crier. No.

You afterwards, you weren't a crier. Why did you do that to me? Why did you make me do that? No. As like a kid kid? Like a kid. You strike me as a guy. I'll cry. Yeah. Not in, like, a bar fight. I'm not in, like, Old City in Philadelphia at Mad River throwing drunk haymakers in my bootcut light jeans. Flat-toed shoes. Oh, man. Big. No, but... You saying that kind of shook.

Don't go near the pepper jack. That's my pepper, Jack. That was turkey a couple weeks ago. Yeah, no, I've also, as, you know, my mother is a widow herself. Things are, that's what brings us up. I was actually down at Denise the Pizza's, too. Does the pizza drink pomegranate juice? That's the only good addition to the house. Nah, she's more of a. She's got that pomegranate.

I never thought about it because I know I don't like I never liked fighting. I would rather never fight than like making sweet love. But sometimes when you're at your early, you're a drunk early in your 20s with idiots. That happens. You know what I mean? Sure. Tensions are high. People are trying to get laid. That don't happen. Hormones, testosterone. Yeah. Viagra. Viagra just hit the scene.

So your best guy kissing another dude. Get a little patty. I thought what we had was serious. I'm swinging on Pat. You're mine, dude. Like Vito and Johnny cakes in the parking lot. I was hot. I just never wanted to get beat up. I didn't want to win the fight now that I think I was a very defensive guy. What's beat up? Like, knocked out? Why don't you come over? I'll show you.

Because these kids today, they fucking knock each other out. Nobody back in our day, even yours, was getting knocked out the way kids are getting knocked out now. Unless they're just... You see it. It's filmed. I never saw anybody get knocked out like that. I understand, but it's not like... It's just being filmed more. You think? Yeah.

If somebody got knocked out in the town next to you... These kids go to the nickel real quick, too. Sure. Hey, things are a-daisy. Did you see... That guy playing pickleball that got kicked in the face a couple weeks ago? Who's side are you on there? I mean, obviously you don't kick a guy in the face when he's bending down. That's a tough look. But that guy was screaming.

That guy's a dork for taking pickleball that serious. Smacked the paddle out of the guy's hand. Did he or did he go to high five the guy? I don't know. I checked in the comments on that. Because he bent down to pick it up. I think he was way too serious in the moment. Sure. That guy was a little butthurt. He just got fucking spiked on. I get that. He walked over.

Caught him with a clean John Jones.

The paddle got knocked out of his hand. And I don't think that was intentionally. I think he was just fucking charged up. But like, you got to be a little bit of a gentleman. Like he's screaming, fucking pretty much screaming right in the guy's face. They're shaking hands and he's still going, whoa, let's fucking go. Caught him with a soft kick, too. Yeah, that wasn't even a hard one.

Knocked him out. That was a little... Yeah, that guy went down like a sack of potatoes. He's fucking hanging on the net like a fucking... He's hanging in a fucking seafood jar. Which I don't condone, but I popped into the comments and everybody was like, we're all on the side of the guy who kicked him, right? And I don't think... Oh, dude, he slumped him. I don't think that's... Oh, fuck, dude.

Was this a professional thing? No. I don't think so. It looks some level. This pickleball shit. Shut up. Someone said it didn't count. His foot was in the kitchen. That's pretty good. Which, I mean, like, listen, that is not acceptable. But also, like, you're playing sports. Things get passionate. Guys are fucking idiots.

You start screaming and shit like that in someone's face and knock a paddle out of their hand. It was disrespectful. I'll give you that. I can see how what that guy did was viewed as like you're being a fucking jerk off. Sure. And that guy's up. I mean, that's a that's a cheap shot. If I ever square up, go knuckle to knuckle.

I know this is old news a couple weeks ago, but if you look at it, look at it. He does it, and then he goes to pick it up. Doesn't he? Yeah, I don't know. Unless he was going to drop it again. Throw it further. I was all pussy. All right, let's see here. This one is Carter. Are you garbage if your mom got you a Detroit Lions Zippo lighter for your birthday? And you're from Atlanta.

She's more of a. That's all right. More of a Pinot Gris kind of gal. That pomegranate juice with a little bit of club soda in it is very refreshing. But, you know, that was the house I grew up in. You've been in the house 30-something years at this point. Never made any real big improvements on it. I would love to snoop around that pantry. I bet you got some fucking...

Yeah, I mean, I would really hope you're a diehard Detroit Lions fan, but that's a mom that gets it. That's a perfectly trashy gift from a parent, I feel. That's like, hey, I know you. You like heaters. You're smoking bowls. You're a Zippo guy. I thought you would like this. I got it at the Exxon gas station. There you go. I really fucking respect that. They were all out of Hesh trucks.

You for sure know that's not a name brand Zippo either. That's a Zippo style lighter. First of all, shout out to the Zippo style lighters. Got plenty of them on the website, I believe. I think we're all sold out there, big guy. We're gearing up for a new merch drop. No kidding. Soon. We're getting stuff. We're getting things in line. Pickleball? Pickleball. We should have that guy's face.

We should have that scene. Talk shit, get kicked. All right, let's see here. This one's from Jagoff Jesse. Great name. Love him. $10 Tendi basket. There you go. Never had one read. Are you garbage if you're... This one's insane. Are you garbage?

If for your mom's birthday, the whole family smokes homemade hash and goes to the Chinese buffet together because it's her favorite restaurants and she loves the crab ragoons. I mean, dude, there's so many things wrong with that. I think the only thing is the homemade hash. I enjoy a nice Chinese buffet. I would pull that back one level. I think smoking hash with your family is crazy. Crazy.

Homemade hash with your family is even more bonkers. How do you make that? I don't know. Press your weed?