Are You Garbage is back with Kippy and Foley and the boys are thinking of buying a conversion van for the road! It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Tour Tickets: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Acorns: Head to https://acorns.com/GARBAGE or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today! iRestore: https://www.irestorelaser.com/AYG Liquid IV: Get 20% off your first order of Liquid I.V. when you go to http://liquidiv.com and use code GARBAGE at checkout. Shopify: Go to https://shopify.com/garbage to start selling with Shopify today. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is the main topic of this episode?
new tour announcement gang the boys are heading back out on the road for the back on the block tour baby we're coming to a city near you we're talking about live are you garbage stand-up comedy and a whole mess of beers yeah we're starting off this march we're in pontiac michigan indianapolis indiana milwaukee wisconsin madison wisconsin minneapolis minnesota then we're going out there to the berg baby pittsburgh pennsylvania cleveland ohio and atlantic city at the borgata
Chapter 2: What cities are included in the new tour announcement?
Get your tickets now, areyougarbage.com. Use the promo code garbage for early access.
Do it. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. Or they're just a big old piece of trash. Garbage. I'm your host, Dave Tully, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition.
She's upstairs doing a little crypto pump and dump. Okay. Trying to make a buck for the summer. The summer? You got to get ready now. That's a long bump and dump. Hey, don't get caught up in it. Real boiler room stuff she's got going on up there. She's got four guys working up there. Giovanni Ribisi's up there last time I checked. My co-host is coming at you from across the table.
It's what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman, but enjoys domestic beer. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. You ain't lying. Shout out to a nice American ale. Do you like it important? I mean, what are you talking about? Have you imported from fucking Newark, maybe?
I had the Heineken one time, and you looked at me like I was trying to poison you. Yeah, that's not. I mean, that's commie talk right there. You don't like an Amstel Light? What are we doing here? No. Goddamn American beers. Maybe in a pitcher, maybe in a bottle. I love it in a can. Just like your mom. You like a Guinness? That's an import, theoretically. Sure.
I mean, I like a Guinness a few times a year, and when I'm dropping Jameson in there, a little carbizzles. That's an import, Jameson. Yeah. You said beer. You don't go for the international beers. No, I'm a goddamn red-blooded American. I drink American beers brewed in Mexico. All the IPAs are usually Americans. Yeah. That you go for? I like a Beck's, like a gentleman.
I know you like an Amstel Light. Nah, that's a- Come on. Beck's is a non-alcoholic. At the country club? Dude. You don't get an Amstel Light with your salmon pants? Bud Light, man. You drink all the beers that were cool in 2001 for a weekend. They all had a good marketing campaign in the late 90s. Oh, I'm sorry. Landshark's coming back. Hey, shout out to Land Cheetles.
I did love a good Land Shark. Get a cup of six-pack of Don Cheetles. Get crisscrossed on those things. Man, shout out to Jimmy Buffett. That was his brew. Got another goddamn red-blooded American. He did all right. But listen, all that's either here or there. Guys, if you haven't, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube.
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Chapter 3: What are the hosts' thoughts on buying a conversion van?
You are not the customer of the month. Wake up with seeds in your hair and stuff.
Wake up and the local news is just ending. I gotta get out of here, man. I did. What's he putting in there? You're taking a hit. Talking about into the couch. This guy's snoozing. That's cake. That's not a real car. That's cake, right? Look at the side of that thing. Dude, that thing. What is that? I think it's like a, I don't know what it is.
No, like the side where the tape is touching the white. That's not fiberglass or a regular metal car. No, so the problem, let's put a pin in it. The problem is it's a convertible. The back window is blown out with along some of the top of the convertible, so they've replaced that with like a blue tarpish. That can't be waterproof. That cannot be waterproof, dude. The gas, it's like, what are you?
That's a real nice neighborhood you live in there. What are you talking about? That's a goddamn Hudson River right there. That's a goddamn Palisade. You took that picture in the middle of the summer. The leaves won't grow. That was at two in the morning. Those are the cop lights. Is that Sherwood Forest? That's, I mean... I don't know. That guy's jammed up.
At what point do you just go like, I'm going to get rid of this. Take the tax, donate to Cars for Kids or something. Cars for Kids? This guy, they wouldn't take that. This guy's jammed. Probably a kid in that truck. That's a couple hundred bucks junk. What can you get? I mean, we looked it up. You can get a junk car that's like 200 bucks. Get you 150, 200 bucks. What is that, by the way?
What kind of car? Oh, that's a 1980 POS. They're still making that? I didn't know they came in white. Dude, he's got tape on the – I know you can't see. He's got tape on the dashboard, too. Let's talk about the fucking gas tank. Imagine picking up a broad in that for a date. I'm out front. You can't miss me, lady. I hope you brought your driving goggles. Cloud of smoke coming down his face.
That's insane, dude. What? Dude, that is now for the Northeast. It's like you could have the broken roof if you lived in Santa Fe Desert or something. You know what I mean? Somewhere you're not getting a lot of precipitation. This is the fucking northeast in the goddamn winter. You got to be freezing your balls off. Can I say this? Please. Can I say this? I'm listening.
It seems more often than not, the road of the convertible is paved in disappointment. Sure. More often than not, this is how they end up. You see a guy getting a convertible, and you just know life's not going to work out for you, man. That makes so much sense. My mom had one. Dude, it's the last act of a desperate man. You don't get the convertible.
I mean, the dental practice has to be going real well. There's about 5% of people who have them that can pull them off. Yeah, because you're just not a convertible. You know behind that smile is just sadness and pain. Past two bills. Past two bills. You're still paying for a Ninja Blender. Six easy payments. And you pull up in the convertible. That's how things end for guys that get convertibles.
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Chapter 4: What are the challenges of buying a used van?
Head up to Boston, Rochester.
You're talking about shows that aren't booked yet. Relax.
Spend a weekend. You're pulling a Rochester and that DeBronza will be jumping out the window.
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
I like it. But all that's neither here nor there. We'll check back with Luke. Wait, you got a monthly payment of $2,400. It's $24,000. What do you got us tied up in here?
Two-year to pay it back.
1,000.
There we go. I can swing 1,000 for 60 months. I'll chip in 40. I got five on it. That's not a bad idea. I mean, just for fun. How much would it cost to drive out? Okay, let's say theoretically, how much do you think it would roughly cost to drive it out from here to wherever the first place that we're going? Pontiac. I know, but I'm just saying in general. Luke, NYC to Detroit.
I think it's probably 12 hours. It's not that far on a map.
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Chapter 5: What are the funny stories about cars and dating?
A lot of French fries.
There's a lot of fucking crumpled up, you know. There's a lot of. croissant shavings in there. Flake. A lot of flakes.
Yes.
Two tree fingernails. Yes. From a specific time, but I just had it done a week ago. Because when we got back from fucking vacation, it looked like somebody had taken a shit all over the car. It was way dirtier than when we left. Like somebody went mud driving in it. But I assume it was just something in the garage. And you go over there like a pipe or something like that.
It looked like somebody had splatted my car with something. It really did. Might have been Mr. Duncan.
Came over there, blasted you on, trippled up my ass.
Anyway. You say do the inside. They kind of give you a little pushback. Like, oh, if you want the inside really done, you got to get the detail. Yeah, sometimes you'll see it. Listen, my car's always a fucking mess, but I just did it not too long ago. And then you get in, and you just see they did one wipe over the dashboard.
I'm like, you just made it look worse because I can see where you missed now. Before, it was all just kind of dirty, and my eyes adjusted to it, and I didn't realize it. But now there's one clean streak where your rag was. I stand there, and you make sure that I tip them. I give them $10. I don't understand why they do the bucket.
My place does the bucket, and they don't even address you for the cash. Like, they're just, you put it in the bucket. But I wanted to let you know I'm greasing you good because I grease good. Yeah. But they don't. You want the points. They, like, scary off. And I'm like, hey, come back. I always hand it right to them. Hey, thank you so much. Mine, five guys or girls.
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Chapter 6: How do the hosts feel about the convertible car culture?
I also don't like that they go in the trunk. I got shit back there. You're fucking rooting around. A trunk is a sacred, but you ain't the cops. You need a warrant for that shit. You can't just go popping that. They're cleaning it. Nah. A trunk is a person's private closet. That's not for public people to see. You're crazy. No. What do you got going on? You got weed in here, Kevin.
I mean, I'm just saying the rest of the car is presented to go, this is ready to be cleaned. I take all the shit that's in the car, the front of the car, and I put it in the trunk. That's my storage domicile. Sure. Sure. And then they go popping that to do the window. I'm like, whoa! Now all my business is out on Front Street. Dirty panties and dildos are in there. Vibrators fall out.
Like the little teeth? It's a loaner. The car's not mine. I had a conversion van coming, actually.
Did I ever tell you the time... My dad rented a car for like months from Enterprise. Our car had gotten removed from our possession.
Sure. Repo man came and took it. I believe. Now looking back, I'm putting all the pieces together. I think that's what happened. A friend wasn't borrowing it. Sure. I remember being like, whatever. He rented a car from Enterprise. Because I guess, I don't want to get into it. I guess he was just like, this is $20 a day.
Aren't those payments just about as much as the car, though, at the end of the day? What do you mean? Like to rent a car for a month? I'm sure. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why he was. Listen, I don't know. But we were in a rental car for a long time to the point where I remember Enterprise was like calling the house. But you still have that. You got it. This was great.
You remember what the plates were? You've told me this before, but not the plates. But do you remember what the plates were? Were you driving around Pennsylvania with like Arizona or something?
Yeah. Probably like a U-Haul. Those things are all. I don't keep track of them fucking thing. I don't know.
Yeah. Nah, yeah, I just remember being like, geez, that's when it hit me.
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Chapter 7: What practical jokes do they consider related to their van?
I'll meet yous out there. Give me a couple days to get my head clear. Clear my thoughts. All right. Man, you'd be jerking off in that thing like crazy. And you know it. You'd be wailing on yourself. You'd be taking yourself to the car wash if you catch my drift. I've had that thing sold for drug money before I hit the GW. I see you in my neighborhood. Two days later. What the fuck?
You're supposed to be in Pontiac, Michigan for the back of the block. I'm sleeping in it. You're in that car.
You're in the convertible.
Hey, Kippy. I traded this straight up. Some kid in town.
Good deal. Bad news. Okay. Oh, damn. That's a good frigging time.
All right, let's see here. This one's from Fat Court Public Defender. What? Is it garbage for my dad to refuse that he needs reading glasses and instead he carried around a magnifying glass for 10 years? I've seen that in practice. That's worse, man. It's like, well, what are you, like a detective all of a sudden? Like a detective from the 1400s all of a sudden? That's insane.
How do you think, like, what embarrass, I'd be way more embarrassed pulling out a magnifying glass than a set of readers. I mean, readers are so commonly used at this point. Yeah. I have multifocal lenses in my contacts. What's that mean?
Focus on multiple foods at a time. I can see your thoughts. Yikes.
They're reading glasses inside the contacts, but they get real big. Are you the Terminator? You got the little green red thing. You're like a fighter jet tracking system. I'm engaged. Take the shot. Take the shot. Take it.
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