The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Oral History of the Dan Le Batard Show: Episode 7
Fri, 13 Dec 2024
As the show becomes fully entrenched in the lineup at ESPN, it is heading towards the launching pad that is about to take it to new heights. Before we get there though, the gang continues to struggle with the show just not feeling right. As a last gasp effort to get Dan back in his comfort zone, Mike Ryan makes a call to ESPN executives to take the show off television for two weeks and move back to the smaller studio at The Clevelander. As Mike Ryan says himself, this may have been the move that saved the show. After the break, the show comes out flying what the gang considers to be the golden era of content. Around the time of the studio change, the show is moved into the mid-day slot on ESPN Radio, making it arguably the biggest thing in sports radio at the time. You'll hear from Dan, Stu, Mike, Chris Cote, Old Money Charlie and even former ESPN President, John Skipper, about the show making the transition from Fusion to ESPNU and afternoons to mid days. Then, in line with the golden era of content, get ready for what is far and away the best supercut so far. Here are just some of the highlights: Bob Einstein on Rob Gronkowski, Alan Thicke on Tomas Hertl, Norm Macdonald watching the Draft, We Are The Lobos, Corn Elder and perhaps the most egregious Stugotz mistake in show history. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Tan Levitard.
The wiping experience, sitting or standing.
Stu Gatz.
I honestly, until after the segment ended and we went to commercial break, had no idea that Jonathan Coachman was black. 20 mediocre years.
So what? Your kid has ringworm! Dandy bear! Elder! Inside the Gus Ritchie Red Zone!
This is the oral history of the Tan Levitard Show with Stu Gatz.
I know Mike has referred to some of the stuff that came before this as spicy, but I view as this time ahead, our most tumultuous time together because we were growing more than we had ever grown. And I was probably unhappier than I'd ever been while we were doing this during the period ahead, because I am not good with change.
And I had a lot of change happening in my personal life and the professional life had a change that Stu Gatz and Mike were advocating for.
that I was resistant against, and the resentment was an undercurrent in just about everything we were doing because I was fearing that we were ruining what made the show special by grabbing at more and more things that we wanted, that we needed, that the show benefited from, but was making my daily life a little more unhappy and uncertain than I wanted it to be, given that all our dreams were coming true.
We'll get into all those particulars in this episode that'll cover probably the second most important decision because the decision to leave ESPN when that time came was probably the biggest for our lives. But professionally, second biggest decision the show ever made. And it wasn't going to ESPN in the first place because we had carved out a nice little lane there in afternoons.
No one was really paying attention to us. We had already made that decision. The decision to go to mid-days really changed everything for us in a variety of ways. I guess professionally, there were a lot of benefits too. Our reach was about to increase dramatically. Our visibility, our cultural impact, the money that we made, all this was a bit of a game changer for us.
But what Dan was consistently warning against as you and I pushed for this move.
to replace Colin Coward, and we'll get into all those spicy details here in this episode, was we go to this great prize piece of real estate in radio, and all of a sudden, overnight, a lot of suits that left us alone, that probably left the office early before we even turned on our microphones in the afternoon, all of a sudden had to justify their jobs and their responsibilities and pay attention to a show that didn't really care much for the ESPN brand.
And just so the audience knows, the change in times was big for us because when you're doing a national show, being on in the middays, being on from 10 to 1, that's the spot where you're going to get the best chance to be cleared in major markets because major market stations care the least about the middays. And they care very much about afternoon drive and morning drive.
And so for us going from 3 to 7, 4 to 7, and then 10 to 1, that was a big, big move and a big, big reason as to why our show got so big, because we were on in so many markets.
It makes you instantaneously in the conversation for the biggest, most powerful sports radio thing there is in America.
So let's get into how that opportunity presented itself initially. But we have to address that around this time, it's kind of an ambiguous timeline. Chris Cody was an intern and then made full-time, I think briefly, by Lincoln Financial, which was about to sell to Entercom.
Chris Cody goes from Nepo Baby intern to Nepo Baby employee and joins our team formally because I remember Chris in the Clevelander as we were building stuff out being a big part of that process.
After I had advised him that there was no career for him in radio because I thought sports radio was the shittiest business in the world and I wouldn't advise him to choose it as a career path even if he was unhappy as a baseball coach, high school baseball, some of the small jobs he was doing.
Way to sell it. I was a listener of this show for many, many years, big fan of it. And then kind of just meandering through life, not knowing what I wanted to do. My dad had mentioned that him and Dan had had conversations where they could have a spot for me to just sit in a corner and kind of intern. I ended up talking with Hawk.
and mike ryan at highlight dania highlight because we would do these poker tournaments that hawk would just let me in for free because like they had some comps so like as greg cody's son i would just get to play in these poker tournaments for free so i went there once to meet hawk and it was just basically them saying yeah we could use an intern they can't make any promises for money but you can come and learn so i just sat in a corner for uh probably six months billy we were logging the show on a composition notebook like
This was 2010, so we could have been using Google Docs and having something that would save, but instead we were vlogging the show that you'd have in elementary school, those black composition, Billy had stacks of these things, just turning the page every day, handwriting them, hard to find stuff, you know? Hard to go back. I remember answering phone calls.
I remember we would do like 40th caller because of Udonis Haslam's jersey numbers. Now I have to go, hello, caller one, you're not the winner. Caller two, you're not the winner. So it was just months and months of sitting in a corner, trying to be eager with ideas. I was just trying to keep up. That was a scary time. I was just trying to take it all in. Thinking back on that time is pretty crazy.
Had interned for over a year at this point, coming in a couple times a week. I was almost at a point where I was not sure if I could do it any longer. I was like, I'm not getting paid, I need to focus on something that's going to pay me. I remember Billy kind of giving me, I've heard rumblings that we could be going to ESPN soon, so just kind of hang tight.
Like Billy gave me a good things could be coming here. So kind of hang tight. And, you know, within a month of that conversation with Billy, we signed with ESPN. They make me full time. There were plenty of interns, you know, Joshua Pell, many interns with this show that could have been me if they just had the right timing. I got really lucky that the LeBron stuff,
And all the rants, it was all happening right here, right as I was just sitting in a corner. And as we went to ESPN, another spot opened up, just made the most sense for me to be that guy.
And I just remember going from the corner, sitting in the corner at 790 to, oh, we're going to be at the Clevelander and I'm going to have a spot next to Billy in this back row where it was just like, okay, this is changing from you're just in a corner screening calls, logging a show on an old composition book that doesn't make sense to you are going to have a mic in front of you and you might actually talk on the show.
Man, was I terrified to talk for the first two years of my existence on this show.
Tell me more about that because one of your best friends in the world is Greg Cody and his son wants to do this. It's one thing to say, yeah, we'll give him an internship, see if he wants to try it out. But by then you grew a bit more of a callous to the radio industry, having gone through the primetime media days. Your tone with Chris Cody was a loving one.
Like, I don't think you want this in your life because it's a very difficult industry. And I'm curious to know how those conversations went, not just with Chris, but perhaps with his father.
Those are the things you say to someone you care about. That was you. You were caring for Chris Cody. You did not want to lead Chris Cody down a bad path.
It's not just caring about him, though. It's the same kind of conversation I have with people when they say they want to be writers. I'm like, the industry isn't great for there to be a 20 and 30. 30 year future where you feel like you're climbing towards something. You're going to have a lot of obstacles that get in your way and a lot of people who aren't very good at solving them.
And all I was seeing was the rear view mirror of I'm coming out of the golden age of this. This is as good as this is going to get. Our situation is not a real situation like our situation. You might be able to work in for a while, but I don't think it will promise you better things if you have success here.
I remember Dan many times telling me that this was not the career. This industry was heading in the wrong direction and there was not going to be good money in this business. And even when we got to ESPN, I remember having these conversations with him still at the Clevelander parking garage of see this salary we're giving you. This is not a salary that is going to sustain you for your entire life.
Luckily, all the things happen. Now we're at DraftKings. We're all doing much better. But I didn't take Dan's advice because I didn't have many options, I would say. You know, if people were, you know, fighting over my talents, you know, I may have left, but I'm not going to lie. There wasn't a lot going on for me at that time. So I just stuck it out with the show.
And like I said before, I was just having so much fun and I was happy going to work every day that even though ESPN wasn't paying, you know, a great salary, I was still very happy, feeling very content. My appetite was being satiated, I would say. Every day I was like excited. What were we going to create? What fun things were we going to do? So I was able to look past there not being a lot of
future in this career just because we were having so much fun creating stuff he didn't take your advice i was i was happy to have chris aboard though very quietly and i'd say quietly because as we've highlighted before this era the shipping container is just about finding its voice but the full-on ensemble that maybe the audience now knows wasn't fully developed these characters individually and collectively weren't fully developed but we were a very young team and it was very different than what you had before when you had mark hawkman's cul-de-sac in charge
Mike, I'm interested because you have a very good pulse of the back room and what that room needs. Did you feel like you needed someone like Chris Cody at that time for the show? Chris was a good vibes guy, too.
Yes, very good. He was great for morale. He had a good energy in there. He was fun, lighthearted. Billy was stressed with all these additional responsibilities. Roy is very cerebral. So to have that youthful energy there was good. And we also got even more popular by being so much younger in that back room. hip show, if you can imagine that way back then.
And I think it was in small part due to the young people around you. You were playing literally in your studios to a younger audience, so you really sharpened that skill. So the show starts humming. We feel good about the show that we're doing in the afternoons for ESPN Radio. We have contacts like Amanda telling us what a great job that we're doing.
Trog Keller's telling us what a great job that we're doing. Colin Cowherd has a making it pretty well known that he is negotiating with Fox. This is around the time that FS1 launches, and they want to make a big splash with their talent signings. So it seems as though Colin Cowherd is going to leave the mothership, and we are the likely replacement there.
Conversations, I imagine, start happening with Trace, and I'm curious. Was it your feeling that we were... I feel like we were the obvious backup to, they were clearly trying to extend with Colin Cowherd, but they weren't going to pay him that. Had Colin Cowherd decided to leave, we would be the show that replaced him.
I want to know what those conversations were like with Trace, your agents, ESPN, and did you even talk to Colin about it?
we were cheaper than colin we were there we were a pretty obvious choice to do that kind of show in that market given that we had developed on their airwaves and developed relationships with some of the people there that i have been negligent in crediting while we've talked about just general bozo executive that you find in the radio industry.
Amanda and Liam and Trog, these were genuine real people and real radio people. They did understand what made good radio, and their friends and their kids were talking to them about this show that had a little more conversation around it than the average show because it was a little bit different. So we had the full support of the important people we needed to have the full support from,
and i was talking to colin cowherd during all of this and i was advising him strongly to not leave esp well that's interesting because colin one time when i was up in bristol he cornered me he was eating a bowl of soup while walking down the hallway not a bowl a cup right it wouldn't he wouldn't have been walking around the hallways with a bowl i feel like it was a french onion bowl like between a cup and a big bowl of soup it was somewhere in between that it felt like
a bowl to me you have like a college weird i mean i love him but he's weird okay but you have the bowl like a french onion bowl like something you'd find in a pottery class yes with a plate underneath of it yes i don't i think he was probably it was a cup of soup was it not anyways you gotta enhance for the podcast he corners you and he starts telling stories and does a monologue for you because that's how he talks to everybody well he's asking me about um the football program
As if I have any information about the UM football program that Colin would want.
Conversational icebreaker so that he can tell you what he's thinking about what he's going to do with his career.
Oh, and he told me. And he told me he was thinking about heading to Fox. And I said to him, that'd be a good career move for you. Now, I said it to him because I wanted to take over his slot. Because I wanted all the listeners, I wanted all the money, and I wanted everything that ESPN had to offer. So I said, Colin, good idea. Fox, go there. Go now.
I'm John Skipper. I was once president of ESPN. When Colin Coward left ESPN for Fox, it left a hole in our radio schedule. And there was some discussion about what to put in there. Was there resistance? It was always resistance internally at ESPN to Dan. right when we originally installed him in Miami.
There were a number of people who didn't think we should have studio facilities in Miami, and I did have to tell Todd Keller, the very capable head of ESPN Radio at one point, that we were going to lease the studio, and I expected him to do it quickly.
So wherever the resistance was, I didn't have to deal with it because there all were people who worked with me, and the influence I had was I got to say what went after Colin Coward's show, and we ended up putting Dan's show there.
The motivations to move to middays were pretty obvious, but for those that don't know, Dan had a very different relationship with time. Dan was a single man, didn't have kids, and had just moved into a studio that was blocks away from his home.
So when we were in the afternoons, I'd be doing all my pre-production, I'd get there close to noon, our show would end at 7 o'clock, I got a ton of work to do. ton of post-production to do. And then I leave the island and I crawl across the 836 and I'm getting home sometimes around 945. So family life is difficult to maintain at this point.
A young husband, I want to start thinking about having a family. How do I spend time? Am I just not going to be a part of this child's early life with this window? And also you make stuff for people to hear it. We were starting to be a really big digital property. Certainly for ESPN we were, but the time that people were getting to our podcast was when games were tipping off.
Our podcast was becoming antiquated the second that we released it. I felt like if we started up and had our podcast hit to market around 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
It would live longer.
We could still be a part of people's drive time traditions. And that's how we sold it to our South Florida audience, because that was also something that we were worried about. I could really maximize my digital audience. So for me, life balance, money, career opportunity, the fact that you have this Cadillac of a real estate space in radio, I thought we could do a lot with it.
But that life balance was a huge part of it, not just for that moment, but seeing where I wanted to take my life beyond that.
I'm glad you brought that up because life balance is very critical. It's very important. Dan didn't have to care about it the way you and I had to care about it because we were married, we had kids, and I remember... We were commuting. And we were commuting. When you do the type of show that we do, I remember having this discussion with Dan early on when we started.
If we just throw ourselves into it, completely into it, our entire lives, just throw it into it, we'll have a good show. Because so few shows do that. But when you do do it that way, it comes at the sacrifice of some of the people that you love. And in my case, it was my wife and my kids. Like, I just missed a lot of stuff because we were doing the show later into the afternoon.
And then sometimes it would carry into the evening because we had events afterwards. And so I remember thinking to myself, this is a great change because I'll be able to see my kids more and I'll be able to see my wife more.
So we start flying up to Bristol having conversations with these people, and you were right to highlight that they actually had radio bona fides. Amanda Gifford came up through Colin Coward's show. Liam was the executive producer of Mike and Mike for a long time. John Keller was a radio lifer. So inside of the ESPN audio division, we were starting to see people that we could F with.
really like they got us they got what we did and it was a little bit different than maybe some previous managers that we had had when we weren't a part of an actual part of clearance over there it becomes clear that colin's leaving i was actually in bristol the day that it was reported colin was leaving to fox i was sitting in colin's studio and i got to see his entire process at the time we just gripped it and ripped it dan got in in front of that microphone
Why'd you wait so long?
I had to hit you with the look at me, Louis, because you were in his office.
I was in his studio because I was working.
We got to change the look at me, Louis, to just general name dropping. The look at me, Louis, has taken on too much of an amorphous definition.
He didn't drop a name. He dropped a location. I know, but it's like.
He wasn't saying that to look at me, Louie, though.
It's just a factual detail on where he was physically.
Well, there was a couple of interesting things that happened on that day because I believe Colin got into a controversy about Dominican baseball players that day. I believe Jen Latta was supposed to be a part of Colin's show, who is now with College Game Day, and she was just kind of sitting in an office as all this stuff was breaking.
And it looked like Jen, who Colin specifically asked for, was now not going to be a part of Colin's show. So it was an interesting time to be there.
I am Charlie Hume and I used to produce the TV simulcast of a Levitard show for Fusion and ESPN. It was a sort of layered thing. In fact, it was kind of funny how the whole thing came to be in that we had always seen the Fusion version of the show as an incubator of sorts for a simulcast version of this that could end up on ESPN channel.
We just didn't know when and where and what the timing of that would be. And if I recall this correctly, we had an afternoon time slot for the original iteration of the show, the radio show. And of course, the simulcast of the TV show on Fusion. It was only airing on Fusion. And then I think Colin Cowherd had signed a deal to go to Fox or rumored to sign a deal going to Fox.
And we thought we had this long runway that, you know, we're going to kind of develop the version of the show is going to move into the Cowherd time slot or... Maybe we didn't know whether that was going to be a possibility. But then Colin, I think, said something controversial on the air about like a baseball player or something. And ESPN radio execs decided to pull the plug then and there.
And so just in the matter of a week or maybe even shorter, we were thrust into this new time slot. in the morning and it did not coincide with fusion's television lineup and so that's when we were simulcasted i think it was a combination of espn you and espn news and that was somehow a wider distribution than wherever fusion was at that point in time
I remember Dan being apprehensive about it. And I remember Stu Gotts and Mike thinking it was best for the show. It was best for personal lives. So because, you know, we were doing three to seven. That's it's hard to have a life when you're working three to seven. So I think Mike and Stu were very interested in, you know, having more work life balance and being able to get out
of work not at 7 p.m every day that was a wild time because i was just still so young with the show that i didn't have a voice in any of this so i was just kind of like with popcorn just like where are we gonna be in mid days like oh we're gonna be the new colin cowherd like i was at this time so raw and still so excited to be there that i was just like i can't believe i'm gonna get free disney passes like i was just like a pig and i was just like so happy to be here that they were stressing though do we do mid days do we do this and i was just like guys i'm good
You guys decide. I'll be here. I'll do overnights if we need to. This is just the best time of my life.
But also what I realized is they're used to a totally different workflow from the host that is hosting this time slot. Colin, when I sat in with him, Colin would run through his entire show twice before it actually started. What? And he would just bounce stuff off of guys, whereas we would just turn on microphones and go.
And it was a little bit different because by then the zig had been established so we know how to zag. And that's another part of this challenge that we got. But the talks to get to midday were... We were pushing you pretty hard. We wanted this. What ultimately made you align with us and say, all right, let's go for it.
I had everything that I wanted professionally. I had arrived at whatever it was, was beyond the destination on the expectation for my dreams because. I had the voice that I wanted in South Florida and being a voice in South Florida is all that I wanted. And drive time in South Florida was better than 10 to 1 in South Florida because I had the audience driving home and that's what I wanted.
The Palmetto I-95 people stuck in traffic on their way to something. I will tell you, though, that.
The determining factor for me on this was simply Mike saying he wanted to be home to raise a daughter who was not yet born, that he wanted to have a life where he had an afternoon or a lawn that he can enjoy during sunshine time on a weekday with his daughter, which was not possible the way that we were doing it. So that was sort of the tiebreaker on the differences between me and Stugatz.
Yeah, because I wanted it for vastly different reasons. I wanted that time, too, and I wanted it for you, but I also wanted all the stuff that came with being in that time slot on ESPN Radio and being on TV on ESPN. People need to understand that Dan had what he wanted when he was doing the local show at 790 The Ticket. He didn't want to go to ESPN. He didn't want to do a national show.
He was happy just doing 3-6 or 3-7 on 790 The Ticket as people were headed to a heat game. So to get him to go to ESPN was tough in the first place. Getting him to change time slots was very, very tricky because he doesn't like change and it's not something he wants.
But also one of the things that Mike is pointing out that is material here, at 4 o'clock the whole sports day is played out in front of us so I don't have to respect everything that much. It's all been chewed up and everyone has already talked about everything. Now at 10 o'clock I've got
People telling me, an assortment of executives who now feel comfortable telling me how we should lead off the show, what the skeleton of a show should be, what's your game plan on how it is you're handling this voice of ESPN stuff at 10 a.m. versus just do whatever you want because you're fooling around and you're not caring about what sports topics of the day need to be chewed up.
A lot of things professionally are happening at this same time. We're not thrilled with how Fusion's going. In the last episode, we got into how that disrupted our workflow. We're still out on that set when this decision gets made. Lincoln Financial, who I'm an employee of at this time, is about to sell to Intercom.
I see this Disney thing happen because it's part of us who may be moving to middays. All my boys get to be full time. Our team gets to be paid by Disney. And man... Locally, especially, the radio market is a changing and we wanted that long-term stability. What ends up happening is we become Entercom employees because that's a company that Lincoln Financial sells to. Which is now Odyssey.
We become Entercom employees for five business days before we become... And we can't have a lapse in our coverage. So we had to go through the entire onboarding process. There was no way. I'm like, this is so annoying. We had to do all the HR training, all of that. And then five days later, we become Disney employees. So we're about to change from...
the fusion thing's not working out those guys tried hard and i think we established in the last episode it wasn't so much them as it was us we had a different vision for that stuff you start talking to eric ride home to take over the production of the simulcast begging him really begging him give me something i will give you no responsibilities you don't have to do anything just give me something put it on television in some way and so he got us a single employee lorenzo well charlie is still with
at this time initially.
Well, but we already had him from Fusion though. We already had, we were bringing him with us. I really wanted it to be a bare bones, no suffering thing from Ride Home and I was just asking him for a favor.
That's when people really started to kind of take notice of the visual version of the show and all the weird and fun stuff we were doing there.
So that happens, and then at that point, Fusion, whether or not they were deciding to re-up after that initial year-long contract, is realizing that everyone's watching the version of the show simulcast on ESPN, and no one's watching the version of the show airing later that day on tape delay on their network. So it was pretty clear at that point that they were not going to re-up.
And we were going to have to figure out a different way to produce this version of the show. Dan was really pushing to continue doing creative stuff with that wherever it ended up. And Eric basically said, look, I already have the fiber lines here that we use every single day to produce Highly Questionable out of that studio above the Clevelander, running that all the way from Miami to DC.
Why don't we just use the same nano control room to do the radio show earlier in the day?
Charlie wasn't around with us for very long because with that move to Ride Home and ESPNU, Charlie, ever the climber, took this opportunity to move to the studio that the show was getting produced out of, which was Washington, D.C. And once you get Charlie around those executives in D.C. around Ride Home, you know that his career is going to go a certain way.
I remember sitting in that bar of the Clevelander underneath our studio and Eric calling me and saying, what do you think about moving to D.C. and doing the show from here? There was definitely a sadness leaving Miami and just the whole crew and the whole team there and, you know, the sort of camaraderie we had in the shipping container.
I still have like pictures and videos that last day of the big group hug we had in the shipping container as very comedically throughout every segment, every break of the show, I took more of those Velcro show set pieces off.
the set until the end of the day the entire thing was stripped off and only the Dan Levittard Show logo remained up there as like a show of closure for the show from the Clevelander. They moved to DC and you know selfishly turned out to be a great life move because that's where I met my wife we got married in DC and you know now we have two kids and all's well that ends well so
was definitely an interesting time moving you know from fusion to the ride home version of the show in dc but i think one that worked out in terms of continuing dan's creative vision for the show through a guy and eric that he really kind of trusted and respected and then there was a real boom time for that show on the aftermath of that and did some fun stuff at the super bowl and a number of other places so that's kind of how it all happened
So Lorenzo comes aboard and even though the support system that we had was way slimmer when we moved to ESPNU and we went under Ride Home's umbrella your comfort level really increased because you knew that he was at least across it and could give recommendations and it gave you a peace of mind that you just simply didn't have with the Fusion TV.
Well also it did better what I was trying to get done which is have the TV product be something that was just observing the radio product where Making fun of it. What we were doing with Fusion was also on remote. All of this stuff is done more difficultly if it's on remote. So Fusion was in Doral. These folks were in Washington who were producing our show.
But I really did just want them to be observers. One of my favorite versions of our show, I wish we had more camera equipment, was what we were streaming on the internet with just those tiny little cameras beforehand. any of the TV production people got here because I've told you that I think some of the important stuff that is in the ingredients of what it is that we do is the intimacy.
And when you start reaching into the environment with production elements that are inauthentic or televised, you sort of distort and dilute the intimacy. And one of the reasons I was so unhappy is because I feel like our product was suffering from the way that we were doing it when I knew that the content product was the most important thing to value.
How did you change your approach to content when we move from afternoons to 10 to 1? Because you mentioned it earlier where you're more reacting to games, but you're also, you have the ability, and you were great at this, to kind of create talking points for the rest of the day on ESPN, which I loved.
I remember within our first few weeks there, I said something insane on the radio, and everyone was talking about it later on SportsCenter, and I felt great. And so, I mean, how did you approach that? Because I remember talking to you about it, saying we had to change our game just a little bit.
If I may, let's put pause on that because we didn't just go straight to mid days. We had one bit of training with a prize piece of radio real estate that gave us all the kind of data that would put a little suspicion into us because Mike and Mike go on vacation. They ask us to replace Mike and Mike and we're working with a totally different team. This is a production that is based out of Bristol.
We're in our fusion studios. And for me, it was a nightmare. filling in for Mike and Mike. And there was one big technical mishap that happened on this show. We, at this time, were so reliant on off-mic communication. I would constantly be in Dan's headphones because of the physical disconnect to the main production studio that was in another room. So we were... heavy in each other's headphones.
They set the mics because it made it easier to produce for them in Bristol to on all the time. So I was catching word from our diehard audience on social media, hey, we can hear what you're saying. And that was never communicated to me.
And while we didn't say anything that got us in trouble, I wanted people to be alert over at ESPN that, hey, you're messing with our livelihoods here when you can't communicate with that. And at the time, I'm an intercom employee. I'm about to be an ESPN employee. This is my one last opportunity to say something and not really have repercussions to me professionally.
Probably took it too far, but this was the biggest argument that I had with Amanda Gifford over at ESPN, where I really turned it on extra. Again, me being angry, me not having the life experience, me not taking HR with ESPN. I'm raising my voice to my superior here because you cannot mess with my guys' future like that.
And it needs to be stressed, but I do know that it was part calculated in that I only had one of these cards and I'm not going to burn it up when I'm an ESPN employee. Let me do this one. I have the safety of Enercom. But what do you remember about your experience there and all the additional attention that came with taking over for Mike and Mike for just a day?
The increased attention that you welcome when you're 10 to 1 and arguably the biggest sports radio show in America by virtue of just being in that time slot. Everything that I feared happening 10 to 1 was foretold in what it is that the amount of attention we had breathing hot air on our neck when we take over the Cadillac of everything that was born at ESPN Radio, which is that is the property.
6 to 10 a.m. Mike and Mike is the holy ground and we're nothing like them. We're an oddball show. We are an odd couple show, but it's a different odd couple. And we're an acquired taste over time. So just having the number of people who wouldn't get our show listening to our show as if they should is not a pleasantness that I wanted to welcome.
And the hour is just so ridiculous that I remember being really tired by the end of that month because of what we had done that morning.
Wait, you're blaming that show for the entire month?
You were young then. That morning?
I never get used to 3.38.
Are you not forgetting how tired we were that day? Are you not forgetting how crazy it was to do that show with that amount of pressure on it because that show mattered to them? It felt like everybody who wrote our checks and was responsible for assigning our value was listening to that show.
I remember I sternly spoke to the producers that were producing from afar in Bristol. I'm like, we can't be on the air. and you not relay to us that our microphones are always hot. I can't be finding out about this two hours into this show. And I got a complaint from Amanda saying, hey, the producers didn't appreciate you criticizing them in front of everybody. I'm like, I have no direct comms.
This is the only way that I'm alerted to that they can actually hear me. We've been to Bristol like once. We have no idea the setup that's up there. I'm like, what is this culture over there? We could have lost everything. And you're talking to me about hurt feelings from dudes in a production truck when we need to be the priority.
And that was the real battle that I was having with managers over at ESPN. Like if we move, it's going to be a different management style from you too, because we're more of a renegade outfit. And that's why I seized on that opportunity. So I remember I had an interesting conversation with Dan during this time because I had saved up for about two years for a trip to Hawaii.
And this was another one of those things, which is we had a target start date in mind and then the target start date just randomly moved up a week. And so if you see footage from the very first show that we do in the mid days, I'm in a Hawaiian shirt. I have a lei and I have like sunblock on my nose because I literally go straight from the airport to the studio.
I remember Dan kind of holding it against me, like, why didn't you cancel this trip? Because Dan and his brother were in the studio and putting up new art, really making the show look livelier and sprucing things up. Fair question by Dan. Yeah, and he was like, why didn't you? I'm like, well, Dan, I presently make $36,000 a year I save for this.
It's not really one of those things like, oh, I'll get to Hawaii the next day.
Right.
bit of a disconnect there, but we survived it. But this general era, Dan has less confidence in the stuff that we're making. He's got additional attention because at this point it's inverted. I was by the end of our run at ESPN, the guy going into all the rooms. If someone had an issue with Dan, unless it was a top line issue, they'd go to me.
Not when we first started in mid days because they didn't know me from Adam. I don't have these relationships and I don't have the trust built up with Dan yet where he's sending me on his behalf. So Dan, you're hearing all of this. You're talking to more suits than you ever wanted to in this era. You're not feeling good about the show. You have a breakup.
The on-air relationship with Sue Gotts is a little icy. You're not physically engaged with the shipping container over there. You're doing this on this new set that looks cool. We pop. We're on ESPNU now. We have good channel placement. Our dreams are coming true. You're not entirely happy with your relationship with work, the content that you're making, and the bosses that are riding you.
What is your life like?
I've got a lot of different stuff happening. I'm not totally aware at the time, but what is happening in my personal life is I believe that a relationship that represented the last stop on love for me and not dying alone I believe that that relationship had fallen apart. My dog had died. And then I felt like we had also ruined the show.
And I was resenting some of the decisions we made in ruining the good feeling around the show. The fact that the show was birthed, not in the moments that we were talking that we would seize on, but during the commercial breaks, the interactions in the areas where I would watch Stugatz and observe him interacting with everybody. Like an animal. And it would just be a fountain of material.
And so whatever was doing a show easily, just observing the environment and the circus and commenting on it now became a harder and harder lift for me in everything that we were doing. It's not just comms between Bristol and Mike's in my ear all the time. It's that the shipping container is physically far away from me. I cannot see. I cannot do any of the Roy, why are you making that face?
Chris Cody, why are you making that face? I can't, like, connect the rooms.
The intimacy of the show was stripped away.
The stuff that I thought made the content special was getting diluted and, furthermore, was doing so in something that would be definitionally diluted. selling out, Mike saying, it pops, it looks great. And I'm thinking of it as only an audio product.
Like I'm only thinking of it as these are all people who behave as if they don't know they're being watched when I'm the one watching them and then trying to unspool whatever it is that the relationship show becomes because you want to be a relationship show. The way that you connect with the audience, whatever the show is, whatever.
pardon the interruption, whatever relationship you have with the show, our most valuable customers are at least in part because we respect that this is a relationship show, and then it gives us a relationship with the customer.
He always was protective of us selling out, or at least people viewing it as we were selling out. And I would tell Dan that I think, like, we're Miami's show. A lot of these people, they've grown up with us. They're going to be proud of us. We're landing in the most coveted piece of real estate in sports radio, period. End of discussion.
Yeah, but not end of discussion when they start asking for changes to the show upon landing. When I've promised that audience, hey, don't worry.
Nothing's going to change.
This isn't going to change. Don't worry. No change is coming.
You had to fight for Ron McGill even more because when we move time slots, they're like, hey, you play douche or no douche. You can't do douche or no douche here in this time slot. A lot of things from how we did the show. And you asked a very good question about the newsy aspects of the show. How did that change your process?
But quickly, I just want to talk to you real quick as if Dan's not here. This was a time in the show where you knew that if you did something that sidetracked the show, got us off of a good vibe, you'd feel it. You could cut the tension with a knife during breaks.
clearly not happy part of us pushing for this growth allowed for dan to blame somebody else for that added pressure and we felt that and we knew that that was a cause to do in business for our decision to push so hard yeah we knew that occasionally during a break when dan is frustrated why'd you guys make me do this it was something that we heard occasionally it would cut like a knife but we knew that that was going to be coming our way with it i said it out loud huh often
Often. Often. Yes, yes. But it came with the territory. We were asking you to do something that you really didn't want to do. Me and Mike desperately wanted to do it. We were asking you to do something on our behalves, really. You said the decision came down to Mike being able to spend time with his daughter. We were almost forcing you to do something against your will.
And yes, we felt it every single time.
I didn't realize, though, that it was so overt that the resentment was spoken. I thought in my mind that I would be just generally more passive about the resentment. I didn't realize that it was also said out loud.
Often articulated. I don't think Sue Gatz and I have ever directly communicated. Correct. as much as we did during that area because we genuinely loved you. And I think both of us knew that there was more going on there. It was clear to us that a lot of things were happening in your life. This was a time of change and your relationship with work was changing and you were always a vibes guy.
If what you were doing wasn't feeling good to you and understandably so, because at this point you're doing it for 10 years. Why is the thing that I've always felt good for 10 years and all of a sudden not feeling good, even though when this is a time that I should be enjoying the rewards. Right. So we were racking our brains over how do we fix this?
And also sometimes vent to one another because we knew that we had a lot of displaced rage. No question. We probably individually and collectively occasionally dropped the ball and had reasons for you to come down on us professionally.
But what was happening was a series of things that we didn't have control over that would often just manifest with you saying, can't believe you guys made me do this.
Yeah. People need to understand that Dan did this show for a long, long time before we went to 10 to 1 at ESPN with really no one but the audience paying attention. I was his boss at 790 The Ticket when we first started. When we went to afternoons, what did they tell us? Just do the show. Cater to Miami. Don't change a thing. And we had two big stories at the beginning.
Richie Incognito and LeBron coming down to the heat. But Dan, Mike and I had many, many, many conversations late into the evening when we moved to 10 to 1 because we were worried about you. We had conviction in our decision. We knew it was right for your career. We knew it was right for the career of this radio show that good things would happen if we moved to 10 to 1.
But we also knew you were unhappy. And because you were unhappy, Mike and I spent countless hours trying to figure out how do we make Dan happy.
And we were out of answers. Like nothing was really working. And naturally, and I understand like this isn't truly fair. I'm just doing this for the audience. Dan's already lived through this because we've tried to pick up the pieces after that and figure out what happened there. And we've since addressed it. But during this time, naturally Dan's stressed. I'm a huge ball of stress.
And a stressed Dan is really bad for the show. It's hugely bad for the show. We're all trying to find answers, and sometimes it's just vibes. But me, early manager, unconventional climb. I'm taking this out on my shipping container. I am passing on my stress to others. I'm growing frustrated. There's all sorts of communication issues.
This is a very young production team outside of Allison that I'm just struggling to connect with them, get them to be professionals in this moment.
seeds of resentment that i end up reaping a little bit later on when we probably creatively turn the corner this is when i am probably at my worst with my anger this is when my communication isn't good this is when i'm most surly i'm just genuinely frustrated and it's not until i find the solution which we'll get into now that it kind of turns that corner
Mike, were you worried, because I was, because we had built my character and people had become familiar with me and with the shipping container, that I wasn't going to be able to be the person that we created once we got to 10 to 1 because I was worried about it? I remember being scared to say some stuff.
I remember you actually being strong. Our very first afternoon episode for ESPN Radio, you were a star that day. Dan was nervous and we were thanking you for weeks on end about how good you were at the beginning. You were probably at the peak of your powers in terms of hosting and being able to roll with these punches.
You were kind of a guiding light in being able to tune out that noise and keep doing it. You were a punching bag when you needed to be and We probably don't navigate it without your general approach to it here. Your on-air character is interesting, but it's so tied into Dan's approach that it really all settles in on Dan. And part of being the 10 a.m.
ESPN radio show is we set the table and we've never set the table before. And setting the table is important to our executives over there. What about your actual approach and process did people try to meddle with?
i think one of the disconnects that we have as we talk about this is i come to realize that because i'm older than you guys and because i had already had a career when we were arriving at this my viewpoint was different from yours on time slot and other stuff at least in part because i'm like do you guys realize how rare it is to have no one bleep with you
Like, I'd already had a career of 10 years through newspaper, television, and radio. Let's not screw this up by having so many people pay attention that they're going to come and foul it up by saying, hey, that's Stugat's character. Can we change his name? Can we get rid of your zoo guy? Can we make another thousand changes to what you're doing so you'll be more ESPN?
when I really don't want to be more ESPN. So I've just got interference. It's noise. It's static. It's a whole bunch of things that weren't there before that when I'm saying out loud, which I thought were inner thoughts, why did you guys make me do this? It's because the unhappiness is an infection. It becomes something that's contagious.
The thing that I want most is the freedom to make it the way that I want. Everything after that will work out. Everything after that has worked out. But in that moment, you guys felt the quality of the show was shaking, at least in part, because you're afraid to be yourself, Stugatz. Do you know how enraging that is to me?
After everything we'd climb over for anyone to want to change your name and want you to be anyone other than the character we decide it's okay for you to be.
Doesn't Skipper, when we move time slots, recommend that Bomani kind of replace Duvall? Recommend? He said it right to my face. Yeah. Oh, that's right. In his office. We took a meeting with Skipper just as this all happened.
You remember that great piece of art he had on the wall?
Oh, so many great Drogba jerseys in his office. And it was cool being in the office of the president. It wasn't so great when Skipper was like, hey, and who are you?
Consequently, there came a moment we were either talking about moving Dan's show from the local radio to ESPN National or we're talking about moving it to a different day part. I was in the process of trying to bring in a new generation of talent. I wanted that generation of talent to be diverse.
And there was a moment when I suggested to Dan that it might make a very good radio show for him and Beaumont to do the show together. And Dan said, I have a unique chemistry with Stugatz. I want to continue that. I didn't know John very well at all. That's John Wiener. Did not know him very well. And Dan sent him up to Bristol to meet with me. We met in my office. I liked him.
A great deal when I met him. He's a charming fellow. And also at that meeting, ultimately, I realized that I wanted to get Dan, keep Dan motivated. He had a right to choose his own co-host. So I agreed. And I did tell him, I'll agree, but you have to change your name because I don't think we want to do the Dan LeBattard show with testicles.
And maybe since you're moving on to the national ESPN platform, you should think about, let's just get rid of that nickname. There was no budging on that either from either Stu Gotts or Senior Levitard. So I capitulated.
Sometimes you have to capitulate to your most talented folks who have ideas about things they want to do, often because it's right and often because it's the practical thing to do for the greater good. And I don't think I'm going to characterize which one of those two it was.
It's the day I knew just how big Levitard was. Not physically, just in general. Because we're like waiting for Skipper and Skipper peeks his head out and Levitard's like, hey! And they embrace and a big hug and I'm like, this guy doesn't treat anyone like that.
And then we get into his office and we sit down with him and to your earlier question, Mike, Skipper flat out told me and Dan to my face that he would prefer Bomani Jones doing the radio show with Dan. And Dan said no. He said no.
I remember that conversation, sort of the Arctic cold that blew through me on how much things can change around power if you're not careful. I was buying my girlfriend a birthday gift. I was in an alley coming out of some place that sold jewelry. I was going to say weird place to get a gift. And I'm getting a call. It's a weird place to get a call. It was in April. Yeah.
It's a weird place to get a call. We were at the Clevelander. It was convenient.
All we had was an alley.
All you have is alleys all around you. But it's not a relationship that I had with him at the time that it would be normal for him to get a call. And it was a very quick call. It was an efficient call. And it was a call after every avenue had been exhausted with my agent on this front. This is the most powerful man in sports calling you to ask you if the last deal point can be.
And in all this other stuff that we're giving you, a show with your dad, your brother does the art, television, everything else. Can we replace your co-host with Bomani Jones? And the answer was no, because I knew what our show was and he didn't know what our show was. And that's a person who's not used to getting no. When that phone call gets made by that person to
a prospective employee, that's not a no that usually happens. But it was like the last bit of negotiation was that personal call to replace Stugat.
I'm sure Stugat, it hurt your ego to hear that. But on the opposite side of the coin, uncommon to have a host that says, no Stugats, no show.
I knew well before that that that's what Dan would do. Mike, we know. We've been around him long enough at this point. Dan's loyal. You took great solace every single day in knowing just how loyal Dan was, that he wasn't going to do anything that would harm you, harm your career, harm your family. He was going to stand by you.
And he was going through a really difficult time at work, understanding that, look, I had plenty of bad days when we were on in the afternoon, plenty of stressful days. And it was really compounded by the time I got home and it's 10 o'clock and I don't have anything to take my mind off of. I had stressful days.
And let me tell you, a stressful day hits different when you don't have to go through drive time traffic and you have the rest of your afternoon and evening to kind of get over it. So it was tough. I was appreciative that Dan made the move. I wasn't so appreciative that we were kind of being blamed for making this move, but it's a process and we have to figure something out.
Because there is not going to be a show anymore if we don't get the show better, if we don't get Dan in a proper headspace to create. We're out on this main stage and Dan keeps making the observations because we're doing local hours before we go live for ESPN radio. And he says things like, why does local feel so much better than national? It's what we're used to.
I'm like, is it the local stories? What is it? And this was an issue that was facing us for close to a year. We were out on that main set in middays for a good chunk of time, but it felt like forever. And ultimately, thank God she listened to me. I go to Amanda. I'm like, Dan keeps saying local hour feels better. And we keep trying to find the reasons why.
But I think ultimately, it might just be the room because he's not disconnected from the shipping container. It's a totally different workflow for him. We did the local hour in the radio studio. In the radio studio. And then we'd go out to the main set because it looked better and that set was wired and we wanted to look polished.
We went from what is a cramped sort of looks like a janitor's closet and was the place where people got used to watching the radio show on television to the highly questionable set, which was a produced for television set that was very obviously something that had big lights on it and wasn't the same kind of intimate that the radio studio.
was and it forced us to be more disconnected than dan wanted to be which was super interesting because connection for dan is like the most important thing it was also the topics mike dan has never woken up one day in his life and said hey i want to talk to the people in kenosha he wants to talk to the people down here so what we were discussing during the local hour he was just more comfortable with because it's something that we had been doing for a while
I want to once again highlight it wasn't the subject matter. It was the room. It ended up being the room and our aversion to returning to that room because it seems obvious. Just do it from there. Well, this is a very big time move for our show. And at least on that main set, we looked the part.
And to the listener, they didn't really know that the show in our mind was dipping because we didn't feel good creating it. Why would we move into this broom closet as we're ascending? Why would we go into this cramped space? They spent all this money. We have such a cool futuristic looking set. Why would we go into a broom closet as we get bigger? That doesn't make sense.
But ultimately we got past that and that had to be what changed things. We got bigger. The room got smaller. We did. So I talked to Amanda Gifford and I'm like, look, I can't get representative sample here without us being off of television for a while because I didn't know if it was a studio thing or if it was a TV thing. I just knew that I didn't have the sufficient data to make the call.
So let me just get two weeks in that studio, man. I'm begging you. No TV, no nothing. I need to get Dan in a place where he feels good leaving that studio. Back to the roots. Where we have good
shows because if we string together a couple good shows we can turn this thing around and it was in that two-week span and god bless amanda for allowing it and our partners and ride home allowed it dspnu had to find some other programming to fill in those two weeks but it worked almost immediately it did and it felt good and it got dan in the right headspace this was around the time that we had the relationship counselor kind of shine a light on because we weren't going to say that i gotta be honest i was pissed because i enjoyed the big room and the big lights and i wanted the big lights and
And I'm like, why can't Dan be comfortable out here? But he couldn't be. And if Dan's not right, the show's not right.
And it made us happier because we got our guy being happy again. What was it about that transformation that it finally clicked and we could finally turn that ugly corner?
It just felt like something we were doing together for each other, with each other in that room in a way it did not feel. As I looked at you and you had a giant screen behind you that looked like a jumbotron He had an island. But I couldn't see your eyes the way that I can see your eyes now in the studio that we're presently in.
I have a bunch of square footage that probably would sell if I rented it out for about $10,000 a month in South Florida.
It's like a first down.
It's a lot of room behind me and it doesn't even make sense that I'm not in the middle of the room or in the back of the room. But if you saw when Colin Cowherd went to Fox, how cartoonishly ridiculous he made his studio.
I wanted that.
To stand as a throne above all of sports.
Speaking literally from on high. You remember when he first started having guests there? He'd like, we'd have Chris Mullen in the studio and Chris Mullen's neck would be, he would be looking straight up at Colin as Colin gave, Takes from on high. We knew that we had a different aesthetic. I love the way that the show looked on the main set. That little island actually looked cool.
We could play with that big screen. If we had Brian Windhorst on, we could have a goofy photo of Brian Windhorst.
We just couldn't get Dan comfortable out there. That's it.
Because the shipping container was a bigger part of the show. And Dan would do the show off of their faces. And it's a lot different when you're doing it on the main set and you're playing to just a camera guy who's watching you do work you're insecure about.
But there's another point here. And I know I've told you guys this story. It's something I learned after this, not before it. I didn't have the information. I don't think I've told it on the oral history.
Mike Schur, who has had a lot of experience around entertaining creative communities that enjoy making things together, told me long after all of this, in the changing of studios from what we were at in the janitor's closet
at the Clevelander to hear the story of Conan O'Brien when he was having his most fun, magically hungry time coming up in the business, arriving at all his dreams, and now changing studios as part of a larger production that represents Conan O'Brien, you have arrived at success the way that Hollywood defines it.
And as he walks into a giant amphitheater where they're now gonna do his show, he looks and he's like, oh no. Oh no, what have I done? No, this pristine, beautiful thing that I have needs to be precious because it's small, because it's intimate, because I'm in the heads of the people I'm talking about. Do you know the honor it is for people to listen to what you have to say?
Treat it as a precious small thing. Don't unspool it in front of everyone for profit with lights in a way that makes the entertainers self-conscious, makes them know how great they are so they can have all of the ego that comes with how great they are.
No, keep it a small band that's followed on the road by all the people who love it most and don't betray what those people want from that show with an amphitheater. Like, I know you guys here, when I talk about the radio people who helped us, Trog and Liam and Amanda, they know what a radio thing sounds like, and it's a specific thing. It's different than a television thing.
It's not like a movie thing. It is more intimate as a radio thing, and I just wanted it to be treated preciously.
I wanted a coliseum, I mean.
We ceased being a radio show that was trying to be on TV to a radio show that TV was going to have to work around. And that decision really helped turn the corner for us. We start feeling good about what we're doing. And it really serves as a launchpad for what I would say would be commonly referred to as the golden era for this show. It saw the most growth. It saw the most creativity.
This is when our show was really funny, especially sticking out compared to the rest of the network.
Mike, we were a show that did not belong at ESPN.
We were able to parody ESPN while being on ESPN. We were able to be anti-establishment while working for the worldwide leader in sports in a coveted time slot. We got to be this renegade outfit that was still, if you get down to brass tacks, the establishment. You're doing 10 to 1 on ESPN radio. You're not this little scrappy underdog, but we always maintained that.
We were always kind of anarchist. We were punk rockers, even though we had one of the biggest gigs in the nation. And this really, for me and Dan too, interpersonally, and for you and I, because we look back on that time as very challenging and we kind of survived it. Made us closer. It did. But also with Dan, me being able to get Dan back on track.
With that decision, in collaboration with people at ESPN that allowed for it, it changed my relationship with Dan, which was still contentious. There was still some resentment because I was one of these people that was pushing for a decision that ultimately led to a lot of unhappiness for him.
Being able to fix that problem and get Dan feeling good with his relationship with the content that he was making, with his work, with his workspace, putting a smile on Dan's face, letting Dan see the smile on others' face, this is where I became Dan's guy. This is where I truly think I got most of Dan's trust because I overcame some hard stuff.
I still struggled as a manager, but I was going into the breach and fighting people on his behalf to get this done. I got buy-in from ESPN. I really stuck my neck out there for him. It was never said in this moment, but I really do think that this was a tipping point for you and I, in which you became a big Mike guy because I was able to find the solution here.
Good use of brass taxes. Dan, do you feel the same way?
They're brass tacks, not brass taxes.
I think he put the S on it. No, I said brass tacks.
The tacks is, I don't know why you've made them something FICA would be involved in. They're brass tacks. The thing that Mike articulates there is not something that I was aware of and is not something that is conscious for me. He has mentioned a few different times that that is where he got trust from me. I don't remember a flip switching on that. I remember that.
A switch flipping.
Yes, thank you.
Grass taxes.
I remember that happening over time, but I don't have a landmark for you.
But Mike felt it, so I mean, that's the important part. You give off a lot of stuff that you don't know you're giving off.
But he also might be conflating my happiness with trust when it was just that I was happier because he had made the correct decision to make the show what it used to be or feel like what it used to be to me.
I think getting you to be happy again and have fun and laugh with your friends. You were yearning for that at this point for an extended period of time. It was about a year and a half where you're unhappy, felt longer.
It was important to me as well. You guys having a good relationship because when Hawk was there, you had a great relationship with Hawk and that made my job easier. My job, this was the most difficult stage for me because I'm worried about whether the two of you are going to get along and whether or not you will trust Mike the way you trusted Hawk.
Because when you trust your executive producer, it makes all of our jobs easier. But because I was so worried about so many things, your relationship, what was going on outside of the studio, worried about my own life. We're worried about the executives at ESPN. It made it a very tricky time for us to do the show.
And so I was thrilled once I realized that you two had landed in a spot where Dan clearly trusted and respected you. And you clearly took that and took it to the next level because you needed that from Dan.
But you guys never seem to have known, right, because you guys have articulated over the course of doing this, a general fear about the future that doesn't know what I know, which is the show wasn't ever in any danger of actually ending. Your jobs weren't in any actual danger of ending. The only time that that was present is when I thought that you and Hawk were going to do a show together.
That's the only time in our history that I've thought that the show is ending.
But I think at this stage, you and I had a different relationship than the one that you had with Mike. And so I felt pretty comfortable with job security. And listen, you had sat in front of Skipper and said no to Bomani Jones.
Even as Skipper's like saying no to Bomani.
I felt pretty good about it. I needed you and Mike needed it. I needed you to get into a good place with Mike. That's all I need. So Mike was more worried about that stuff than I was at that point.
It felt like a big achievement when it happened, but certainly with the benefit of hindsight, I know that that's where I became Dan's guide. Now, in that year and a half that we were struggling, I write a lot of bad checks and seeds of resentment will get fortified because of how I handled that stress. I wasn't good. At this point, I had interned the therapy. I didn't know how to carry myself.
Like I felt like if I felt And if I was being let down, I only had so many off ramps before I would just get angry. And I found out the pitfalls of being angry. And at this point, I started clashing a little bit with Allison. And I'm not really clashing with a container so much as being frustrated with telling them what to do and they're not doing it. And I'm holding them accountable.
You're the one feeling it the most, though. Whatever's coming off of Dan, just so the audience understands this, Dan is not giving it to Roy or Billy or Chris or even Allison. You're getting all of it.
Yeah, they're also in a different room. Right. So like, I'll feel it. I'm sitting in that and I'm just not great at being able to deal with that. And even though our show is about to turn a corner creatively, grow and really do some important good stuff that changes the game.
I, unbeknownst to me, open the door for more resentment that quite honestly, I'm still dealing with and trying to dig myself out of to this day. But I don't want to set up the next episode on such a bummer because when I think about what's ahead of the show on the timeline, 2016, 2017, those were such great years for our show. It felt like we were doing some really cool, big things.
It felt like we were the rock stars, the bad boys of podcasting. Podcasting all of a sudden becomes a legitimate industry. And it felt like all the moves, all the bets that we put, on ourselves, carrying over the RSS feed, moving to middays. Now that we're feeling better about the work that we're doing, these bets are starting to pay off and you kind of feel like top dog a little bit.
So it led to a really good time, Dan.
Plus you couldn't walk through a fucking airport in America and not see my face. Oh, what a time it was.
I gotta tell you though, Mike, in revisiting some of this stuff, it's interesting to hear you say that you felt like that is when you gained trust, when during this time, the visual image that stands out to me as the most obvious time, and I still see this image and I see it with some regret, that I had to change my behavior, nevermind studio, nevermind content, anything else, is I wonder,
As you were dealing with anger issues that were unresolved and not dealt with in therapy, and as we clashed before this, if this visual image is staying with me because we were clashing at anger and I wasn't seeing the vulnerability. In that studio one day, while you and Stugatz were trying to help me and we were standing up,
in a real small corner of the room mike said to my face i'm terrified of you and hearing that and seeing it was not something i'd never heard it but i'd never seen it either right i don't know what the anger was covering but it didn't feel like i was causing fear in him and so when he says i'm
terrified of you i'm right there i'm like okay something needs to change with how i'm doing this because it's not okay for this to be how this is landing with this person that i'm doing this for and with i was an angry kid plenty reasons for me to be angry
Growing up early in the industry, I saw creative sparks fly. Tension usually breed good segments afterwards. I grew up in a very angry household, not to get too much into that stuff, but I had never had to be checked on how I carried myself. We highlighted a scenario at 790 where I got in a yelling match with Todd Castleberry and I survived it. I ended up winning that political battle there.
So I see a lot of bad behavior fortifying here. And shortly before I tell Dan straight up, I'm scared of you is because now I have to talk this thing out. Because by that point, Dan straight up told me, you yell at me one more time. This is how you lose your job.
Yes.
It's not going to be because of whether or not you get along with Allison, whether or not we're good, whether or not ESPN is happy with us. Just respect me. Respect me. Stop yelling at me. Just because you saw Hawk do it a couple of times, we're not there yet. And you are angry, kid. You need to think.
fix this but Dan I will tell you what Mike is explaining right now and what he was going through at that time it was real like those conversations me and Mike were talking about this is gonna sound funny was me talking Mike off the ledge until like 11 o'clock at night he was terrified a lot of stress
He just didn't want to screw up the show because your reactions to some on-air screw-ups aren't always the best, and that's fine. We understand it. You're a perfectionist. It's what makes the show the show. Mike was legitimately terrified to the point where he's leaning on me.
But you would understand where anger would misidentify as the mask for terrified, right? If what I'm getting off of someone is anger, conflict, and not afraid at all to be in my face and instigating it, on occasion. I'm not telling him to not yell back at me. I'm telling him, hey, let's not start at yelling with you yelling at me.
Right. I think you embraced it. Not the yelling. Just embrace someone's willingness to tell you what he has to tell you.
But I didn't identify it as terror. You would understand.
Oh, no, it was terror.
But do you understand how it wouldn't land as this person's afraid of me?
Quite the opposite. There was a time there where I just didn't have many moves other than anger because I was clearly frustrated. Look, we told you ultimately what ended up being our salvation was moving into that other studio. It was quite literally the answer to all our problems. How did we deduce that?
By being super frustrated and angry and blaming other things that weren't the actual issue and trying to work through that, totally being frustrated with, this is not the issue, this is getting blamed for it, how do I fix this?
Yeah, it's a miserable place to be at for a year and a half, but it would have been a hell of a lot more miserable if I was still hourly and getting home at 10 o'clock in the evening. In the evening, I arrived to the place where so many people in my industry wanted to be. And I wasn't super happy with it. And I felt like I was crumbling under the pressure. Thank God we turned that corner.
I was made better for it, not just as a manager, but as a person. I just didn't know it then. It was real challenging, but Dan fixed it. To a large part. I don't really talk about my anger issue as it's something that I conquered. Dan occasionally says that you got over it. And I talk about it like it's recovery from an addiction and you're never fully recovered.
It's constant because there are constantly times, not constantly, I've gotten better. I've been generally more patient. But there are times where I feel it bubble up and I have to really try to avoid from ever getting my life back into a place. I was so ready to be off the cuff angry.
At that stage, what helped you get through it? The years we're talking about right now. Was it the show becoming more comfortable and growing?
Hmm. Talking about like the anger stuff, like specifically going away?
I've never done that before to anyone. I've never done what I did to Mike ever to anyone before saying just flatly, we have a zero tolerance policy right now with you yelling at me. This is not going to happen anymore. If it happens again, it's the only instance in which you're going to be fired. That's not a conversation I've ever had or thought. thought of having with anybody.
Mike, let me try this again because in an odd way, I viewed all this as a positive because so many radio shows don't have relationships. They come in, they do the show, they leave, they don't care about each other, they don't talk to each other, they come back the next day, they do it all over again.
And so this conflict to me represented these are people who really care about each other and really care about the product and care about the job that we're doing, which I am telling people right now is very uncommon in our
industry what i'm wondering is you went through this phase where you were super angry but i also remember shortly thereafter you becoming happier and happier and i'm wondering how you got to that spot was it because he was happy because he was happy that's it he because he was happier but then something happens around like 2018 where i'm confronted by all the mistakes of this era 2015 2016
I'm confronted by everything. I wasn't fully aware of what Dan was to me as like the center of all my stress and my relationship with work not being super healthy. I ended up being that for a lot of people because I was the go-between and Dan wouldn't chastise them or criticize them or hold them accountable.
And I was always that person for other people, not just in the radio studio, but for TV people, for ESPN managers. I was always a very convenient fall guy, not without blame. In many respects, I was that person. That was just cost of doing business.
I don't think people really understood the level of stress that I was under, my unique position, how it was so tied to Dan's healthy relationship with work. And ultimately, I'm not going to change a damn thing. I wish I knew about the anger sooner. And I certainly wish that the way that I found out about how much I had hurt people during this time was presented at me in a different way.
And we'll get to that in a future episode. But I did what I had to do to get us across that line. I know Dan has said time and time again in the last episode and this episode, the show was never going to be over. Dan had the relationship with Skipper that if he said, I can't do this anymore, he had a successful show with Dan LeBretard is highly questionable and then highly questionable.
He was going to be fine. He would have found his way. You and I live with this all the time. I wasn't going to be. And I knew I had to get this show over the line by almost any means necessary. And we did. We figured it out.
But it made you better. I feel like it made you better.
It did. It made me better, certainly in the long run. I am better today because of finding that solution. I am better today because Dan, whether he knows it or not, found a lot of trust in me. I look back on that time, that battle, that decision to move back into that womb because we invite Mike Schur into it a little bit later on. And he says, you guys are just in a baby's womb right now.
I look back on being able to get this show right as my biggest achievement because I genuinely don't know if there's a show today if we didn't figure that out. It was such a crucial move and it was so high stakes. It wasn't like the afternoons. We had people managing us at
this point and a whole economy revolved around us figuring that issue out and we did and then dan i mentioned that this is when you were at your strongest i think once dan got back into that studio this is where for my money dan and stugatz are the premier pairing in sports audio There are people that you seek out their opinions. They're giving you funny day in, day out consistently.
The timing is great. Other characters are finding the roles. The show is ultra creative. We're doing parody songs. We're doing bits. We're doing trailers. We're doing visual stuff. We're starting to have clips break out on social media. This is where the show really breaks out and it doesn't do any of that stuff if there's no show and we had to get the show continuing.
And I was so happy-go-lucky and I just wanted to be at ESPN and stay at ESPN that I was just praying every night
two of you please get along so we can move forward and stay right here you understand the reason for the conflict is super interesting now that mike presents it that way right because this executive producer job i would say in some ways is unlike any other executive producer jobs even though i have seen like skip bayless or a handful of people they've got who their guy is and that guy walks next to their side for 10 15 years handling everything that needs to be handled your guy changed
My guy not only changed, but then it became the job of the executive producer. And they don't put this on when they're looking at resumes or looking at job advisories. They don't put on the job description. The number one job is you protect Dan's comfort. That's the job. And you're going to have 50 people from 50 angles needing 50 different things above you, beneath you, at your side.
And the job is protect the comfort. My comfort was being inundated from every angle. The only line of defense that I had was the one guy and he was getting overrun in circumstances. So now we have to fight ESPN on he becomes the layer to keep all that away from me. There's not a job like that.
It's just we have not had an experience with the industry and these people who work here have not had a normal job. They don't know how to produce a show. They know how to produce episodes.
this show it's totally different from producing other shows people ask me all the time what is the job the job is dan that's my response every single you produce you produce me us but you produce you produce billy produces you right group was producing the job is you mike what mike was producing me and you stu got were producing me as a radio veteran the two of you had your hands full producing somebody who was under it for all the reasons we've enumerated here that
That time was the closest time for me and Mike, no question, because we felt like we were doing that. We were protecting you and we felt like we were producing you. But I still like every single night I would go home or day afternoon wondering if you're happy because we are talking about nonsense that you don't want to talk about. I'm ranking quarterbacks.
It's a little bit sports here and there. But when Dan says, keep them away from me, keep that away from me, you're probably listening to this right now and saying, well, it seems like all the issues that you're having are just in a personal and your literal work environment. What kind of noise does Mike need to keep away from you?
In the next episode, Donald Trump gets elected and Colin Kaepernick becomes the topic du jour for a solid year. It got noisy. And it gets real noisy and suits start creeping over. And that's when we started being told, stick to sports. I was fine with that. It's the holidays. People are shopping for great gifts.
One of the great gifts that I always like depending on is something experiential, like going to a sporting event. There's nothing like it, especially when the stakes are ratcheted up high, especially when it's a game that everybody wants to go to. Well, sometimes those games are sold out and you have no other option than to go to the secondary market. Well, go to the industry leader. That's right.
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Max Bredos, best-looking guy at ESPN. Oh. Camp Chancellor. I'll let Dan handle that one.
Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
What, Bredos?
Bredos is handsome, dude. What kind of observation is that?
My observation. I saw him on SportsCenter. He had a black checkered shirt. He had a black tie on. He had the suit rocking. He was sitting next to Jonathan Coachman, which helps. And Max Bredos is the best-looking guy. I'm just saying, Coach is a good-looking guy.
Whoa.
Listen. This is what my wife... I'm telling you right now. This is what my wife said, okay? That guy, Max Bredos, is hot. That's what she said to me. Then she asked me if Jonathan Coachman... She said this. Not a bad-looking dude, Jonathan Coachman. That's what she said. Does he spend all his time outside of the time that he's doing SportsCenter at a tanning salon? That's what my wife said.
I'm just telling you. You're a good-looking dude, though. Are Bredos or Coachman? Bredos is an extremely good-looking dude.
No, but the tanning salon, what?
I'm just telling you what my wife said.
All right, let's keep, I mean. That's what she said. Do you know that?
Okay, let's just keep it moving. I don't, this is a disaster. Let's keep it moving. I'm just telling you what she said. I didn't know how to respond to it. I was uncomfortable as well.
I would blame Abby. Stugatz, you should probably apologize here. We should apologize for what happened last segment. It went off the rails on us. What do you want to say?
I will apologize. You don't need to apologize for anything. I need to apologize. They are my weekend observations. I said what I said. I had no idea. And I apologize to Jonathan Coachman, who is 26. tweeted at us, and he's upset and has every right to be upset.
I honestly, and anyone who knows me will understand this and believe this, I honestly, until after the segment ended and we went to commercial break, had no idea that Jonathan Coachman was black.
And now, Bobby reads a passage from Fifty Shades of Grey, page 277.
Sitting beside me, he gently pulled my sweatpants down, up and down like a horse drawers. My subconscious remarks bitterly. In my head, I tell her where to go. Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness. From makeup remover to soothing balm for a spank. Who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid?
Time now for our celebrity prognosticator. Unfortunately, Colin Cowherd has beat us the last two weeks. He knocked out Alan Thicke. That was very disappointing. The father of growing pains. He knocked out Pat Sajak. The host of Wheel of Fortune was three and two last week. Cowherd went four and one. So we bring in a big gun here. Super Dave Osborne.
Bob Einstein is going to get things fixed around here. Bob, how you been? We haven't talked to you in a while.
Danny, congratulations on going national. Thank you, Bob. You say that so sincerely.
Are you listening to the show a lot?
I'm serious, and I just want to say how honored I am to follow Thick and Say Jack. That's pretty good. You must have been very disappointed when you called Merv and found out he was dead.
Man, that's a 98-mile-an-hour fastball right there.
Dave, don't mess around. Dave, are you Bob, I should call you? Are you still mad at me?
start with a joke of the day. Are you ready? Okay, let's go. All right, 10-year-old walking down the hallway of his house here, screaming in his parents' bedroom. Opens the door, there's his mother dressed in a cheerleading outfit, nothing on underneath. His father's wearing a rubber glove and swim fins, and they are going at it. He says, Daddy, what's going on?
He says, Don't worry, sweetheart, just having some fun. Go to bed, and I'll talk to you in 20 minutes. 20 minutes later, father's walking. What the hell are you doing? He says, It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it? Wow.
This is quite a way to get reacquainted with Super Dave. You didn't know. Look, you have shocked.
You have shocked Bomani Jones. Bomani Jones would look less strange right now and horrified if his eyebrows were on fire.
I have shocked Bomani Jones.
How could I shock him? What happened to the day is we used this to get hurtled through stuff. Like, you know, you did like a stunt type thing. Oh, that's real good hurt.
Alan Thicke is here. Alan Thicke coming to bring some comedy to the proceedings, some fun, and some extra cheese. Did you bring some extra cheese with you, Father?
I'm not sitting here in my shorts, but I have a beautiful thong that you might be interested in right under my speedo here. I'm in the lap of luxury in Santa Barbara.
I'm trying to figure out how to use you, and I wanted to use you as our hockey expert, but the last time we had you on, this was your hockey expertise. I want to talk Tomas Hertel with him. Yeah. Is he the best player in hockey? Hockey correspondent.
Who the hell is that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we can't do that.
We want to figure out a way to use you on the show so it can be a weekly appearance. What do we need to do?
What I can do is I can go back to my area of sports expertise, which is the UC Santa Barbara women's water polo team. And I can report on them regularly. They have beautiful uniforms and everything. Well, that seems like an awful idea. That's synchronized swimming with an attitude, and I can keep you up to date with their activity. You've got Sochi coming up.
You know I'll be all over that, including I will never be stumped again by a Thomas Hurdle reference.
Now you know who he is? Now?
Oh, yeah, yeah. He scored, what, four goals? Has he scored any since?
What if I told you that the pursuit of perfection isn't always a good thing? That 0 for 14 on your gambling picks isn't just possible, but will likely have real life consequences. That my picks are for entertainment purposes only. That I gave you a sly wink and air quotes when I said that thing about my picks being for entertainment purposes only.
That I've run into some pretty rough people you don't want to owe money to. That I've just taken out a third mortgage. That my daughters are going to have to make new friends in public school. That I know way too much about the University of Hawaii's football team because I'm always up late chasing. That my wife is probably leaving me and taking the kids.
That if someone you never met before starts asking you questions about where I've been, tell them you haven't seen me in a while and immediately text me so I can get on the next flight to El Salvador. That I know it's been a rough couple of weeks, but I've got a great feeling about the Titans plus six and a half on Sunday.
ESPN Films presents a 30 for 30 about one man's fight to keep both his kneecaps.
Just an awkward and delicate question here that we've been talking about all day, and I understand it's probably not appropriate, but I am curious, and we've been doing it with all our guests here. When going to the bathroom, Bud Grant, and finishing with his bathroom experience, the wiping experience, sitting or standing?
Repeat that. I didn't get the gist of that.
Oh, please don't make me repeat that. You want me to try? Yeah, you try it.
Bud, after you have dinner tonight and you celebrate the garage sale, when you go to the bathroom afterwards, not one, but two, Bud, will you sit or stand when you wipe?
Well, that depends on the consistency of what I'm doing. Thank you, bud.
It's a fresh take. It's brought to you by Subway, the Subway simple six menu, six six-inch subs, six meals, $6 every day. Subway, eat fresh.
He brags about having never been late to work, but then he leaves the show early for a fantasy draft. He does advertisements for testosterone boosters that he declares have improved his sex life, and then complains about his languishing sex life on the air. He says parenting is all luck, but then requests to leave the show early for a family dinner so he can set a good example for his children.
He tells everyone how great he is at fantasy sports, only to reveal years later that he hired a guy named Inferno to draft all his teams. He is the most inconsistent man in the world.
I don't always have takes, but when I do, they're all over the place. Stay inconsistent, my friends.
But you're making me think about Zagaki now. And I do love me some Joe Zagaki.
35!
30! Touchdown, Miami's aquarium!
Also brought to you by Publix. So everything on the broadcast is sponsored? Like every play? It's our Brandsmore USA kickoff.
Every play.
So it's everything.
Yeah.
Is it everything?
Yeah. The Live Nation chains are out for the measurement. Forgive me, because I have not heard the radio broadcasts of very many University of Miami football games. Is their live broadcast polluted by sponsorship on everything, or are you guys exaggerating that?
I mean, it's a parody of sorts. It's definitely a bit of an exaggeration, but yeah, touchdown. That's a Miami's Aquarium touchdown is ruining every great call.
Texter writes in that Mike Ryan's parody of Zagaki is 100% dead on hilarious. Do you want to expand it out a little bit? Do you have any more?
25, 20, 15.
Touchdown Miami's aquarium Lolita. Come see Flipper.
Kane Ferguson. $9.99 coupons. You've got to keep going. Kids free on Sundays. bunny palooza right now yeah you gotta you gotta keep going come see our sad wailing come see lolita swim in a bathtub yes that's how you do it like just think of think of more kids will awkwardly ask you why does our friend look like that and you'll have to tell them It's because she's in a bathtub.
That's not her natural habitat. It's a terrible habitat for a giant animal. Come see sharks, possibly drugs, swimming in green water.
Spend $5 on a wax figure that you'll regret as soon as you get home.
What were you talking about with Mike Ryan off air there about magic at bats, magic at bats? What were you talking about?
Yeah, go to me and the dumb stuff. That is that is very smart. What I was saying, what Mike and Mike Ryan and I were discussing is I think one of the problems with baseball, Dan, and no one's really talking about it is everyone sitting here trying to fix something that I think is probably probably unfixable. But everyone's trying to fix it.
The real problem with baseball is when you go to a basketball game, you go to a Cavs game. You're going to see LeBron James for 90% of the game, and he's going to give you 27, 8, and 8, and you're probably going to see a dunk or a pass that you've never seen before, and you're going to leave happy.
When you go to a baseball game, an Anaheim Angel game, you're going to see Mike Trout every third inning. He has a better chance of going 0 for 4 than he does going 4 for 4 with a home run and four RBIs. And you're going to see Howie Kendrick just as much as you're going to see Mike Trout. I go to a Cavs game, I'm not going to see John Lucas III. I'm only going to see LeBron James.
John Lucas III is a backup guard. I know you're having Mike check it right now on the Cleveland Cavaliers. I'm not going to see him. I'm going to see LeBron. So what I'm trying to figure out, Mike and I are trying to figure out, is I want to go in an Angel game, and I want to see Mike Trout every inning if possible.
So what are the magic at-bats? How are you doing the magic at-bat?
Like, each manager has, like, four or five magic at-bats in his back pocket. All right? So let's say it's, like, second. Mike Trout gets out in the first inning. But in the second inning, it's second and third, and there's one out. He has the option in that spot of putting Mike Trout back in the game. You see Mike Trout two innings in a row?
Genius. That's his idea. And his idea allows for a certain amount of theatrics. Like, you could, like, throw, like, something, like a smoke bomb or something. Magic at bad time. Like, you throw out the smoke bomb onto the field. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
A smoke bomb.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like a little firework, like a little cherry bomb. Magic.
time for a magic at bat oh mike socia is on the field mike socia has thrown the smoke bomb time for a magic at bat it's a lot cooler aesthetically than like a red challenge flag and they're trying to appeal to a younger audience imagine how much a younger audience would love the smoke bomb and then there's mike trout coming out emerging from the smoke commissioner if i may if i may let me present you with a radical oh no if i'm okay all right oh for the
I like to call it, Commissioner, I like to call it the magic at bat, okay? Now just hear me out for a second, okay? Each manager at any time during the game can go with, because, Commissioner, I'm not going to see a pitcher hit. I'm not going to see a shortstop hit. I'm going to see Stanton hit. So four to five magic at bats for each manager where he can put Stanton in whenever he wants.
Speed it up! And there's smoke, and the kids love magic, Commissioner.
You're wasting this man's time! What do you think? I'm with your friend. You're wasting my time. Yes, why? That's a crazy idea.
You would agree, more time, the stars are on the field, the better for baseball. Really? You're going to continue to argue this? You're really going to continue to argue this?
Let me give you a really serious answer about a suggestion like that. We are very open to the idea of making changes to the game. We see pace of game as one example of it. We see instant replays. from last year as another example of it.
When you make those changes, I think it's always important to ask yourself the question as to whether you are interfering with the history and the traditions of the game. And I think the suggestion that you just floated would fall squarely in the category of would interfere with the history and traditions of the game.
So that's a maybe. No.
Yeah, let's get that started. No, I think that's a no.
A defiant and angry no.
But Commissioner, did you hear about the smoke?
Did you hear the part about the smoke?
Well, Bob, I want to know before we get to the picks here. I called you a while back and I asked for your help in booking Jerry Seinfeld on the show. And Jerry hasn't been on the show yet. So what's going on?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I told him how annoying he was for doing that and how inappropriate it was. He said you were a little annoyed by that. I told him you should be annoyed by that. What were your real feelings about that request?
No, I wasn't annoyed at all. I just threw the phone through the window is all. I wasn't annoyed. It is. It's annoying. It wasn't a big request at all. Totally reasonable request. Let's go ahead and do this. It was a totally reasonable request. Bob, are you doing anything? No. Could you do me a favor and call Jerry Seinfeld and ask if he could do our radio show?
Now, you said you were going to call. I'll be right back. You said you were going to call. You're lying to me, though. You were lying to me, weren't you?
Of course, because you're annoying. Of course I was. I like you. I love your show, but I was totally lying. I'm not going to call anyone.
I don't blame you at all. Of course not.
Look, I wouldn't have even called Fick or Sajak.
When I got it, it took me a little while to get it. You know, I got some whiskey on mine because I went right home, touched my baby in it. She said, no, we're not. I said, yes, we are. You're not getting into this bed.
You're not getting into this bed with this jacket on. Yes, I am. Yes, you are. Yes, we do. All right. There you go. That is a startling story, but okay. You wanted to be wearing the Hall of Fame jacket. While making love, I don't know how many people have done that, but congratulations.
We got a Hall of Famer here, baby.
And now, Boppy reads some text messages from the Wells Report. October 17th, 2014.
McNally, Tom sucks. I'm going to make the next ball a f***ing balloon. Jastrzemski, talk to him last night. He actually brought you up and said you must have a lot of stress trying to get them done. I told him it was. He was right, though. I checked some of the balls this morning. The ref f***ed us.
Oh, really?
Go on.
16 is nothing. Wait till next Sunday. Jastrzemski. OMG.
Spas. Church of Gronk. Top 10 practices because Man Campbell, we decided he was a pastor. He is wearing, of course, a flowing robe and a muscle tee. He's got a flaming spear of some sort that he shaves with. So for Lent in the Church of Gronk, You cycle off creatine. 40 days of no creatine. That's just for Lent. It's hard, but it's a sacrifice you make in the name of your Lord. That's great.
Holy Week, of course, is observed spring break in the Church of Gronk, the pilgrimage always to Daytona Beach. Communion, the body of Gronk is beef jerky. The blood of Gronk is either a whey protein shake or you have the option of actual human blood. The entourage theme song is the procession music for the Church of Gronk ceremonies. The altar boys are referred to as altar bros.
Baptisms in a hot tub behind Dan Campbell's pulpit. Alligator optional or not. The confessional booth has been replaced, of course, by a squat rack. The rosary beads at the Church of Gronk are just mismatched human teeth strung together on some fishing line. Turn Down for What by Lil Jon. First song in the hymnal of the Church of Gronk. And, of course, oh, there it is.
I didn't know we had music on the company there.
My three-year-old loves that song, by the way. Let me hear that again. I didn't realize we had. Not that version of it, though. Right. Unless there's a SpongeBob version of this one, too.
It's beautiful. It is beautiful.
I mean, it's spiritual. It's emotional. Turn.
And of course, during funerals held at the Church of Grand, caskets are loaded with 45-pound plates so the pallbearers can get a proper pump. And also, the body is just spiked into the casket.
Like here, into the ground, your final punctuation, you are done. You've got more hymnals?
Really?
It's just been whispered into my ear. We've got three more hymnals if you want to go to them.
Yes, please.
Are you kidding me?
Sorry for party rocking.
I didn't understand that. I didn't either. Sorry for party rocking.
Okay, sorry for party rocking.
I'm sorry.
Time to say to who's the better man. Let's have a manly man off. Yeah.
Oh, look who's there. It's been a while. Yeah, where you been?
Dan, how you doing? Good, manly man. Stu, how you doing there, hombre? Doing well. Been a minute. I had a great weekend. My wife and I, we actually welcomed a little one. Yeah, she gave birth to a Dodge Ram.
Really? That's interesting. So that is... Wow. You had something in your pants there. All right.
A hemi. Yeah. Which of the following is the most effective tool for settling a dispute? Is it A, rock, B, piper, C, scissors, or D, a punch to the head?
Well, Golik would say a punch to the head. I'm a pacifist. I'm nonviolent, so I'm going to go paper.
Oh, man. I'm going to go with a rock.
Wow. I feel like I laid that one open there for you, fellas. All you had to do was slam it down and hit him. Neither of you are the man. Punch to the head?
Of course. Okay.
I mean, and besides, scissors beat paper, so I don't really know what you're doing there.
Well, I was trying to. I was purposely trying to.
You're trying to find me something that can beat my punch to your head. All right. Does paper beat rock? Yes. All right, fellas. Y'all ready? Yes. All right. Time to start chopping some wood. Playtime is over. I don't go home. You don't go home. You can go ahead and die for your man off. I'm going to live for mine. You want to answer the question as soon as I ask? Hang on. Music.
Yeah, we start the music. Get that saloon music.
Huh.
You got to go for the win. He's going delightful hazel. He's going D. Can I hear A, B, and C quickly, please?
A is green. For the love of God. Blue is a beautiful smoke gray. I'm going to go blue. All right. All right. Hit him. Hit him. You're my boy. You're my boy, Stu. 2-0! He's got beautiful blue papers! I'm upset Heavenly wasn't an option for that bongo-playing Adonis. How to lose a guy in 10 days? What kind of ridiculous premise for a movie is that?
Why in the hell would Kate Hudson want to lose Matthew McConaughey, let alone in 10 days? And his role as Dallas Magic Mike? That is a game-changer, folks. All right, all right, all right! Congrats, Stu!
Hello? Hey, this is Coach K. Hello, Coach K. This is Levitard. How are you, sir?
Good. This is Krzyzewski, Levitard.
Thank you for doing this. Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. You can make fun of me about going in with Levitard, only my last name, but you just went Coach K on me instead of Mike. Come on now.
Well, let me call you back and we'll start this over.
This is Coach K. I can come back with Levitard.
In terms of obnoxiousness, I think calling yourself Coach K. All right, never mind. Let's start again. Fake Midnight Rider. You're on the ticket, Fake Midnight Rider. Can you hear me? Yes, Fake Midnight Rider.
Yes. Thank you so much for having me on your program. You know, a lot of people don't know that.
I died too yesterday. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I didn't. I didn't. Yeah, I didn't. I hadn't considered that. Yeah. Where'd you go?
All the publicity, you know, went to Dusty Rhodes, the American Dream. Nobody was giving me any of that publicity.
Right. Right. It seems unfair.
Yeah, it does seem unfair.
I'm sorry that we forgot about you. Where are you now?
Well, yesterday I was in heaven with the American Dream that derailed. We came up together, coincidentally.
I had a match with Gorilla Monsoon, but Gordon Soule declared it a loser-leave-town match, so somehow I wound up in purgatory.
Oh, no! That was yesterday? It's terrible. That happened yesterday, so today...
I am in purgatory trying to work my way back to heaven. Right.
With Gorilla Monsoon, the Junkyard Doll, Big John Stud. Wait a minute. Big John Stud was in heaven yesterday. Why did he get demoted to purgatory? No, I'm trying to get back to heaven.
Oh, okay.
And pay attention. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What's happening?
I know.
I know. Who is in purgatory with you? What are you doing in purgatory? I'm just waiting, trying to get back.
I don't know. I haven't seen anybody I recognize. I'm waiting for Holly Reese. I'm waiting for Ted DiGiassi. I hear they're coming, but they're not here yet.
Okay. You have any idea what you need to do to get back?
Yeah.
That's problematic, that old being stuck in purgatory.
Oh, God. That's an excellent question. When I hang up, I'm going to try to find out. All right. Well, do you have anything else you got here, or do you want to go ahead and hang up and find out? Thank you for having me on the program. I'm going to go find out. I'll report back if I know anything.
All right.
Thank you. Good talking to you, fake midnight rider.
We can summarize it all in three words. Make that four words. We are the Lobos. Thank you. We are the Lobos.
We are the Lobos. We are the Lobos. We are the Lobos. We are the Lobos.
Steve Martin was a prop comic. He was? Yeah, yeah. He came out with an arrow through his head.
And people found that funny. Steve Martin. Awesome.
That's what he just said.
Oh, he said that. The origins of this term come from the military den. The literal sense of the term, that is a day spent in field maneuvers, is now little used. The first reference we have for that meaning is from 1747. In scheme, a quick men of war. These periodical interviews.
Wait a minute. Let me just stop you.
It was fun to be out there. I think everyone enjoyed it. There's something different about how the football is coming off Andy's hand.
It wasn't perfect today. There's going to be things that we need to correct, but I think this is a great building block for this team. A good team win.
It was a good week of practice. A lot of guys made plays. It was wins and losses. It was not about the stats. It's a long season, the same way we won two games and not get too high. We're not going to lose one game and not get too low. We got the pieces in places, you know.
I'm the engineer, and I have to do better. We lost as a team, and so, you know, we have to deal with that as a team. This win was big. We got to put our... tissues away and go out there and just get ready to practice and play. What we can do, we can go back, practice hard, take more reps after practice. That's how you get better.
We just want to have great pride and be a finishing team in all opportunities we get.
Did he really have a hamstring or should he have been listed on the injury report as having a bruised ego?
It's an emotional game. Every game is, some more than others. This one certainly was.
Great day out there for football. We've got a dozen eggs, a quart of milk, a loaf of bread, a can of frozen orange juice, six small white onions, a green pepper, garlic powder, a package of American cheese, pickles, kosher that is, toilet paper, six bars of soap, hot dogs, quarter pound of chopped meat, steak, lamb chops, package of spaghetti, three apples, bologna, cottage cheese, a pound
Beer, ketchup, peanut butter, soy sauce, and a half a pound of coffee.
Vin Scully does not strike me as someone who is not punctual, but my phone just rang. My personal phone just rang. Did Vin Scully just call on my personal phone? Is that what just happened?
That had nothing to do with Vin Scully. Nothing.
Had everything to do with Vin Scully.
Hold on. What just happened here? This is what my phone rang, and there was a Los Angeles number I didn't recognize. Yeah. And you picked it up, and you started talking to the person. Who was the person?
The person didn't give their name. They just said, pick up the phone already. Very cranky, they were mad.
So it was not Vin Scully. It was somebody else calling on behalf of Vin Scully. They called my personal number for some reason. Okay, very good. Regardless, we are happy that Vin Scully is going to be on with us. And it's kind of perfect.
that the world's most perfect professional broadcaster would be greeted by this cluster bleep around here where we don't know what we're doing and everything goes wrong. Finn, thank you. It's an honor to talk to you. Congratulations on all of your good work. And the crowd will be delighted just to merely hear your voice right now. So thank you for being on with us.
Oh, well, thank you very much for allowing me the chance to visit with you and your viewers and listeners.
Do you have a most embarrassing moment?
Oh, yeah, sure. I guess over the years you would have to be. And basically the most, and I think you'll get the picture immediately, back about my third year, about 1952, The Dodgers were playing Cincinnati, and Cincinnati had an outfielder named Lloyd Merriman. I'll never forget it. Lloyd hit a ball, foul. And my mind told me to say, hot shot, hit, foul.
No!
No! And it never came out that way. And everybody in the booth fell down, and I was absolutely mortified. And the reason I remember Lloyd Merriman, I started filling. He's a former Marine Air Corps pilot, saw combat in Korea. You know, I did on and on. That really had to be considering how young I was. Yeah, that was about it.
Vin, you say that so slowly now, so carefully, like you're walking around landmines.
I don't ever try it. No, that's when I stop. They're no longer, you know, shots hit foul outside of third. No, thank you.
And now, Boppy reads some text messages from the Wells Report, October 21st, 2014.
McNally, make sure you blow up the balls to look like a rugby ball so Tom can get used to it before Sunday. Oh. Jastrzemski, OMG.
And there's a Miami Seaquarium kickoff. Don't buy a ticket. Turn around. Do not support animal cruelty. It's a first and ten. A Miami Seaquarium first and ten. The center dolphin tank has a large steel pipe that makes me wonder how many people have hit their head on it. It's a fumble. They should close this abomination immediately. It's old, small, dirty, very boring, touchdown, Miami's Aquarium.
You'll wonder how this place stays open. Where else can you ask, is that sea lion dead? The vending machine ain't my dollar at the Miami's Aquarium. And how can you keep a whale in a pool for 45 years?
The whale looks bored. I don't know what else to tell you. I've said a million times, Levitard is my favorite show. I think he's the most creative, different sort of individual that we have. He's the smartest guy. It's not for everybody. Not everyone is going to be into it. But the people who are going to be into it are going to love it.
I like the way he delivers it. He and I have disagreed more than a few times, you know, loudly on the air with one another, and I'm sure that will continue. But, yeah, I do love his take. And Stugatz, well, you know. I mean, what are you going to do?
Stugatz, anyone could be sitting where he is.
That's exactly right. And it would be fun. He tries to differentiate himself by wearing a tuxedo. I mean, seriously?
Well, starting on Tuesday at this time, two guys will be ranting and raving permanently about topics like this. We know them very well. Dan Levitard, Stugatz. Cats moving 10-1 right here on ESPN Radio. ESPNU. Dan, Stu, congrats. How are you? Good.
Thank you for having us on, guys. But we won't be talking about this. We'll be talking about who in sports is likely to throw out their back sneezing violently. Like, even I just raked.
The most exciting part about what you said is that show ain't changing. Ladies and gentlemen, that's the best part about it.
Yeah. We're excited about that. Like ESPN has been great to us. Like we've gotten so much support and, uh, And it's, yeah, they promised us that we can do the same show that we always do, so it'll be goofy. And, you know, we'll talk to Lemmy from Motorhead. But you guys probably should get back to this Deflategate talk. No, no, come on. Come on, Levitar. That's nice. Thank you.
But I think people probably want to.
You're talking to us about a time change in the lineup, which is great. We appreciate it. We are excited for it. This is big breaking news that we were waiting like nine months for. I feel like you should be talking about it.
Following us every single day here on ESPN Radio and on ESPNU starting at 10 o'clock Eastern Time. I'm not sure why it's called the Dan Lebitard Show because clearly the star is Stu Goss. Without a doubt. Stu Goss. He's the man. With a contribution from Dan Lebitard every single morning. But it's the Stu Goss Show. It should be Stu Goss featuring Dan Lebitard. That guy's a superstar.
You know, you can tell that he's the guy who's going to become, you know, it's called the Dan Lebitard Show with Stu Gatz.
Listen, Dan is kind of that star now, but Stu Gatz is that ascending star. And soon it will be Lebitard that's latching on to the coattails of Stu Gatz's tuxedo as he rises to stardom.
To the tails. Yeah, he's gonna be wearing exactly right the actual tail.
Yes, and and Levitt I'll just be the next great star that goes by one name.
That's exactly exactly right How's life in the real world spent you still dreaming about laying people out?
I can tell you something right now My dreams are all about deals and dollars.
What is the endgame here though? Spence is an agent broadcaster. Oh, yeah, you're such a star when I own a damn team. Why yet? Oh Jason Leisure with us now. Even understanding that it's a game of runs, they've had some unusual losses with big leads late.
Sure, but they've had some unusual wins, too. I mean, you didn't expect them to go and beat the Clippers and the Bulls on the road, and you certainly didn't expect them to beat Cleveland two times in Miami and beat Portland a couple weeks ago.
Agreed, but they've got more bad losses than good wins.
I don't know. It seems like it's about even probably at this point.
Is it? I don't think so.
It depends how you define a bad loss. I don't know, man.
Man, everyone's so depressed out here.
You sound sad.
Are you okay? Is everything all right? You know where I'm sitting right now? I've pulled over into the parking lot of a KFC in Indianapolis. So you're sad about your life right now.
What's happening right now is you're sad about your life and you're disagreeable.
And I just said something that I believe to be so. And because your mood is sour and it's kind of cold and the team is snakebitten and probably won't make the playoffs and isn't terribly interesting, you're lashing out. That's what's happening here.
Are we done here, man? Are we done? I'm done. All right. See you later, buddy.
The Mrs. World pageant in Russia. And my wife was helping. I was hosting. She was going to crown the winner. There was a language barrier there. And we announced the right winner. But the assistant went and grabbed the crown, put it on the wrong winner. And you never said this was like the Bolshevik Revolution. The place went nuts. It got very ugly for a minute, but I was impeccable.
My contribution was perfect. And by the way, they had to retape the whole ending of the show. This is after the confetti comes out and the girls are crying and people are celebrating. And they said, oops, wait a minute. Now they had to redo the entire 10 minutes of the show. It was not a live broadcast.
Okay, but help me out here. Who did you put the crown on?
Was it like a hometown loss or a hometown— No, we—Mrs. Russia actually won, and everybody knew it because that's the way they do things in Russia. Right. Oh, so— Okay, so—
But who'd we put the crown on?
Well, first of all, it wasn't even fair. Well, they put the crown on, you know, Mrs. Uzbekistan or somebody who wasn't even part of the Soviet Union. You know, a total foreigner. And then it wasn't even fair because it was a Mrs. World competition and Mrs. Russia was like 19 and Mrs. Uzbekistan was, you know, B. Arthur. So... It was just all so obvious. It was rigged?
When they snatched that tiara and put it on the wrong woman, there were... Wait a minute. Like a Siberian tiger was let out of the...
brashad perriman the ucf receiver to me he looks like the second best receiver now you know after amari cooper he i would take him second it's probably too high but among receivers i've seen he looks like the second best receiver i've seen in college football this year brett perriman's son am i wrong well you haven't seen a heck of a lot of receivers then dan how many how many how many do you have ahead of him 15 17
He retweeted people thanking him for saving the podcast when he had absolutely nothing to do with saving the podcast. He starts sentences with, yeah, no. He calls Nikola Vucevic the Russian, even though he is Swiss. He says parenting doesn't matter, and then encourages his Twitter followers to purchase his mother's book on parenting. He is the most inconsistent man in the world.
I don't always have takes, but when I do, they're all over the place.
Stay inconsistent, my friends.
Imagine if you played in the West. Imagine if winning one title in Cleveland actually counted as winning two anywhere else. Imagine if you were coachable. Imagine if JR Smith wasn't JR Smith. Imagine Miami in December. Imagine people actually pointing out that you lost four finals games by an average margin of 12.5 points a game instead of praising you for coming up short.
Imagine if you weren't insecure about your hairline. Imagine Miami in January. Imagine closing out the East against a team that didn't rely on Sheldon Mack, Mike Scott, and Kent Bazemore. Imagine if we didn't actually land on the moon! Imagine if this country wasn't full of dumb people who bought into the fairy tales we fed them to make money.
Listen, the bottom line with Matt Harvey, if the Mets had any guts, any guts at all, they would take the one thing away from Matt Harvey that he wants most, and that's to pitch in his postseason. If they had any sort of guts, they wouldn't pitch him, they'd go with Bartolo Colon, they wouldn't pitch him at all in the postseason, and they'd trade him the offseason. They had any guts.
And Colin, let me tell you something, okay? Matt Harvey being late? Are you kidding me? Matt Harvey's the one guy? He should have been there an hour early greeting the rest of the team. With gifts, I'll hang up and listen.
Oh, my God. I'll hang up and listen. How can someone who has a national show be so clueless? Don't give him what he wants the most. Yes, so here's the Mets. If they feel, let's see, Matt Harvey, Bartolo, Colon. If the Mets as an organization say we have a better chance to pitch, win with Matt Harvey, let's not pitch him.
Let's punish Matt Harvey where we can still trade him in the offseason if we want, but let's punish the entire team by not pitching the guy that gives us the best chance to win. Oh, yeah. That's the way to go, Stugatz. Perfect.
And now, Boppy reads some text messages from the Wells Report, October 23, 2014.
Jastrzemski, can't wait to give you your needle this week. Happy face. Go on. McNally. F*** Tom. Make sure the pump is attached to the needle. F*** Watermelon's coming. Jastrzemski. So angry. McNally. The only thing deflating Sunday is his passing rating.
How long has Ava Goda been old? He was old in The Godfather, and that came out in 1972. But, you know, James Codd and Marlon Brando were about the same age in The Godfather. Ava Goda in The Godfather.
And now, Bobby reads a passage from Fifty Shades of Grey, page 186.
He flexes his hips so his s**t pushes against me. Yes, right there. He runs his teeth along my shin, eases back, then slides into me again. So slow, so sweet, so tender. His body pressing down on me, his elbows and his hands on either side of my face. Oh, Anna! He breathes and he lets go. My name is Benediction. On his lips, he finds his release. His head rests on my belly.
His arms wrap around me. I just want to enjoy the quiet, serene afterglow of making love with Christian Grey because that's what we have done. Gentle, sweet lovemaking.
Here's Kanye West last night. We've been playing all Beck in protest today. Nothing but Beck today. Kanye West did something funny. I thought it was funny. Jay-Z, it was funny to see his reaction.
It was funny. Kanye's kind of annoying by now. The Grammys are kind of annoying by now. It's like in reruns. Same thing. I mean, I got to tune in and Taylor Swift is front row dancing like crazy. Kanye West with his antics. He had Jay-Z and Beyonce presiding over the whole proceedings. They're the president and the first lady of America. It's enough.
And you got Pharrell who comes in, he sings one song, he just changes it up every time he sings it. Tired of the Grammys. Stale. Taylor Swift, enough. See her dance, front row, please. Take the camera off of her. Anyway.
What's your problem with Pharrell? I don't even know where to start here. He's got this one song happy. He doesn't have one song, Stugatz.
It's one song.
One trick pony. One hit wonder.
He is not a one Stugatz. He's maybe the biggest hit maker of this generation, certainly of this time period.
If he's got more songs, then sing them already, because I keep hearing the same one.
Take a good look, Cleveland. Take a good look. Because this is what the world championship looks like, buddy. Hell, Johnny Idiot's face over there is never going to bring you a title. LeBron James sure as hell ain't bringing a title back to Cleveland. This is the only championship you should be celebrating. So suck it up! Because I'm living this piece of crap down!
And I'm taking this title with me! Money! Woohoo!
I mean, listen, I usually fall more on the side of, hey, best team always wins. But after years of doing the show, even I could see it's fairly obvious. Like the Marlins weren't better than the Yankees the year that the Marlins won the World Series. The best team rarely wins. Except for the NBA, the best team rarely wins. You shut your mouth. They weren't better. Tell that to Josh Beckett!
He cares about baseball. Wait a minute, who said? You shut up! Who said?
Is that Joe? There was some Joe Zagacki?
You tell that to Josh Beckett!
There was some Joe Zagacki in there.
What's he doing here? The Florida Marlins were better, and you can see Marlins at the beautiful Miami San Pedro.
Mike is actually growing a Josh Beckett goatee the more he yells. It's actually amazing.
D-Train! D-Train. Honey Harris! Mikey Mordecai. Lenny Harris.
Role players, Dan. All important.
We have a sponsored home run call.
It was a guy named Banks. He was huge.
Collinsworth in the gap. We got to like six names before it was a guy named Banks.
Chad Fox, what a pickup. I was a good man. I was a good setup man, Chad Fox. Boogie Urbina, he lit a man on fire. He went to jail.
He went to jail.
He was in jail. He's still in jail. He lit a man on fire. Allegedly. There was a chainsaw involved. World Series hero. He traded for Adrian Gonzalez. It's true. It's all true. Everything Mike just said was not cartoonish and fictional. It was factual. You held on to your butt every time Brayden Looper went out there. And it worked one time. It was huge. Against the Yankees. Against the Yankees.
I want this Sagaki calling everybody.
Thank you.
Are we sure we want to use this on the local hour? I feel like the nation needs it.
The Joe Zygacki character is not someone anyone knows. The sing-song broadcaster. In fact, you're laughing at it, Bob. I'm pretty sure you have no idea the character he's doing.
I have no idea who he's impersonating, but it feels right. Right. It only works here, though, I think. I could be wrong, but I think it only works here.
Our best stuff is on the local hour, much to our dismay.
We keep putting out the crap in the national hour.
Shut the hell up. Shut up. Keep your mouth shut. Your son got nailed. Keep your freaking mouth shut. Framegate my... Keep your... Shut up. Stay low. Shut the hell up. Framegate. You mean, are you kidding me? Come on, the guy cheated, folks. Let's be honest.
I got to listen to Tom Brady's old man now, who, you know, has lived in the bubble, you know, and has lived under the scenario where his kid's been a phenomenal player all this time, and now he's trying to make excuses. Now he's trying to disparage the guy who spent 246 pages writing about it. Shut up. Put that guy on.
See if he's got the guts to talk to somebody who's going to ask him a tough question. Go ahead. Better yet, put his son on. Let's see what he has to say. Put your son on. Don't hide USA Today. Come on. Come on talk shows. Hey, come on now. Come on right now. Say that to me. Say that to anybody. Say it to somebody.
Shut up. Keep your mouth shut. Your son got nil. Keep your freaking mouth shut. Framgate my... Keep your... Shut up. Stay low. Shut the hell up. Framgate. Are you kidding me? Hey, come on. The guy cheated. I mean, let's be honest. I got to listen to Tom Brady's old man now? Who has lived in the bubble? And has lived under the scenario where his kid has been a phenomenal player all this time?
And now he's trying to disparage the guy who has spent 246 pages writing about it? Shut up! Put that guy on! See if he has the guts to talk to someone who's going to ask him tough questions! Go ahead. Better yet, put his son on. Let's see what he has to say. Put his son on! Don't hide! USA Today? Come on talk shows! Come on now! Come on right now! Say that to me! Say that to anybody!
Say it to somebody!
Hall of Famer Alonzo Mourning, thank you for being on with us. We've had an investigation for a while here. Dikembe, he denied it very strongly, very ferociously. But there is this story of Dikembe back in the glory days of walking into a nightclub.
Who wants to sex Mutombo? Who wants to sex Mutombo? You've heard it. You've heard it, haven't you?
Is the story true? We need to know if the story is true. You've heard it before. That's a confirmation.
How did y'all hear about this, man? Hey, man, I'm just saying.
I'm just saying. The first time you hear that, what do you think when you hear the man say, who wants those sex matambos?
Whatever. No comment, man. No comment.
That is so insincere. You can't no comment like that. Truly practical.
Yeah, there's some truth to that. There's some truth to that.
Yeah! A journalism victory! Yeah!
While we're on it, you got any idea who Peaky was talking about?
That was his pick-up line. And it worked. It worked.
And now, Papi reads a passage from Fifty Shades of Grey, page 487.
These clamps are vicious. He prods the nipple clamps. Who will use these? They're adjustable. Christian, my sexual mentor. My mouth is already open from panting. I open wider and he slides a large cool metal object between my a**, shaped like an oversized baby pacifier. He has a small groove or carvings. I'm going to put this in you. His fingers trail between my buttocks, spreading oil.
Instantly, the plug starts to vibrate down there. It feels alien, full, forbidden, but oh, so good. As my body explodes, I'm nothing but sensation everywhere. I think that Gronkowski is not human.
I really mean that. I think they feed him out of their hand when he gets off the field. You couldn't haze him. There's nothing you could do to him because there's smoke comes out of when he plays. And when he goes across the middle, you cannot watch him. And can you imagine in the cold trying to come in and undercut him? I've never seen a human being like that go off the field.
And he, like, snorts to his teammates. There's no English or anything spoken. He is made of circuits. He really is. There's always fire coming out of his helmet. What do you think he says in the huddle besides slobbering and breathing and sneezing and stuff? Do you think he knows his own name when they say, Gronk, we're going to you? Or do they just tase him a little bit? Watch Gronkowski.
Watch Gronkowski. I'm not talking about in the game. I'm talking about in public. You've got to put a leash on him. You cannot let him roam around.
What are you guys laughing about back there? Allison, again, is getting flustered by Norm MacDonald. Is Allison flirting with Norm MacDonald? What are you guys laughing about there?
Norm on the phone for like two minutes. I'm pretty sure she said, no, you go on hold first. No, you go on hold first. Really? That's what happened? She was so flustered and she forgot to put him on hold. Oh, God. She just hung up on him.
Is he ready to talk to us, though?
Norm makes her nervous.
She read his book and developed this thing.
Yeah, she did read his book in two days. I freeze books, baby.
I freeze books, baby. You're saying bookies run scared from you?
That's what you're alleging?
Yeah, I'm saying I walk into any book in Vegas. I don't deal with bookies because that's against the law, but I walk into any book in Vegas and I freeze that room.
We didn't even get to last week. I mean, once or twice you've gone bankrupt from gambling because I feel like books have been built on Norm MacDonald's wagers.
Oh, not books. No, I have a winning record against books. One of the few people. But unfortunately, the book is a long way from the elevator.
So the crap table grabs you. What grabs you? What is it that grabs you from?
You're asking me which has the strongest magnetic field? Yes, yes, yes. That would be the craps table. Oh, man.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
What is the greatest beating, what is the most memorable beating that Norm MacDonald has taken at a craps table?
Well, I'll tell you, well... The problem is crafts is a little arcane for a lot of listeners. So let me tell you about Blackjack, which I think everyone understands. One time I had a massive bet down. It was my last bet. I just said, I'll just bet all this. And then I got two aces. Oh, no. And then I was like...
Can I go, you know, I don't know if I have enough money to, I don't know if I have enough money, but can I get some credit, like, from the casino to bid on this other ace? And they're like, no. And I'm like, does anyone else want to buy an ace? No, but. Everyone else there was betting small.
You were at a $5 table betting hundreds of thousands of dollars at a $5. You're at the swingers table. Some guy's got an eyepatch on.
No, I don't like that. I don't like the, what the hell? I'm watching the draft. What? What? I was just watching the draft. So, anyways, my two aces, I go, hit me. You know, I have two. You know what I mean? So, I have to hit. You know, the book says you always hit a two. So, I have an ace and an ace. It's a two. So, I hit it. Oh, no.
Because you couldn't split it. Here come the face cards. Boom.
22.
Oh. So obviously I would have had 221. He said, I have 122. So then I just walk away. And I'll tell you how you know you've lost and it's all over. When you walk away, you walk away from the table and you just hear the guy go, better luck next time, Phil. Okay.
That is an amazing – I mean, it's terrible, but it's an amazing story.
That should have been the name of your book, Norm. No, not Better Luck Next Time. No, it should have been I Had Two 21s. It was 122. Oh, man.
We'll get to plenty of bad deep stories as I continue my –
Did you run roughshod?
Oh, my God. Yeah. I'll tell you about the one-run grand slam I had to endure. But that's for another day. Okay.
I can't wait for that. Now you're teasing us.
27-24. Squib kick. Just fall down on it or whatever. No, they're going to try the lateral. Pass it to the other side of the field. This never works. Caught by Cornelder. Pitches it back to Jaquan Johnson at the Miami 30. Delaying the inevitable. Looking for a block. Pitches it backwards. As many laterals now as B has passed interference penalties on that last drive.
Walton now pitches it back to Johnson. Guess we're going to keep going with this. Toss it back. Here comes another pitch. Cornelder has it. Throws it back to the Plumbers 9-1-1 goal line. Dallas Crawford looking for a block. Gets one. Definitely not a block in the back. He throws it across to the 30. To Cornelder. Big legal block. He's got it to the 40. Cornelder crossing.
El Palacio de los Hugos midfield. Cornelder. speeding now to the 40 speeding ticket fakehoward.com halter now dashing down the dandy bear sideline so what your kid has ringworm dandy bear elder inside the gus richardo red zone corn elder he's at the 10 he's at the 5 lindy eric scotty mike miami sequarium touchdown
There are presently no flags on the field, and certainly no one will have a problem with how this game ended! Oh, wait! We don't speak English, so everyone hates us!
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