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The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2

Tue, 17 Dec 2024

Description

Act 2: The Jew Who Saved Christmas So, remember how Bernie accidentally roofied Santa? Yeah, things have escalated. Turns out, when you drug the guy who single-handedly runs Christmas, the universe hands you the reins of a magical sleigh and screams, “Good luck, schmuck!” Act 2 is Bernie’s full-blown trial by (latke) fire as she fumbles her way through saving the holiday while Santa cycles between being zonked out and, uh, aggressively unhinged. With a sleigh that feels like it’s held together by Hanukkah prayers and duct tape, Bernie somehow manages to deliver presents across the Midwest. We’re talking rooftops, chimneys, and more near-death experiences than a Spirit Airlines landing. Along the way, she’s got to wrangle her stoned passenger (Santa with candy cane nunchucks, anyone?), give some real talk to a tiny sad orphan about divorce (because therapy was booked), and dodge TSA agent Gimble, who’s basically The Terminator if he hated joy instead of Sarah Connor. And let’s talk about the chaos: reindeer meltdowns. An almost crash landing. Bernie’s sudden realization that “wait, this sleigh doesn’t have seatbelts??” This act is a disaster in the BEST way—like if Seth Rogen got to rewrite The Polar Express. And just when Bernie starts thinking, “Hey, maybe I’m good at this?”—the universe is like, “LOL, nah.” Cue Santa going full Maccabee berserker mode. And the cast? They’re killing it: Jeff Bergman, Selyna Warren, Jim O’Heir, Marissa Read, John Milhiser, Kiel Kennedy, Tiffany Black, Carla Delaney, Ashley Bell, and David Jacks make this ride more fun than watching your drunk uncle try to carve the turkey. Everyone’s bringing their A-game, delivering laughs sharper than Bernie’s wit and just enough heart to keep you invested in this glorious dumpster fire of a Christmas tale. ✨Act 2 of The Jew Who Saved Christmas is snarky, chaotic, and unexpectedly sweet. It’s everything you’d want in a holiday comedy—plus a little weed, some questionable decisions, and a lot of screaming. Who knew saving Christmas could be this messy—or this much fun?

Audio
Transcription

0.509 - 19.925 Ad Narrator

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20.066 - 21.627 Ad Narrator

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22.828 - 41.98 Ad Narrator 2

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42.6 - 62.004 Ad Narrator 2

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67.942 - 91.951 Santa Claus

Oh, did you eat one of Bernie's special cookies and forget what happened in the first episode? Well, Santa doesn't blame you. I wasn't all there that night either. Our story began at O'Hare Airport, where we met Bernie Gold, a Spirit Airlines liaison with no Christmas spirit, and not just because she's Jewish.

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92.751 - 120.633 Santa Claus

After ruining her family's Hanukkah party, Bernie tries to down her sorrows by whipping up Santa's all-time favorite, chocolate chip cookies. Only Bernie added a naughty ingredient, a rare strain of kosher cannabis. And when I accidentally landed at the wrong house, Bernie's house, well, I thought those cookies were a gift for old Saint Nick.

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122.314 - 144.445 Santa Claus

Well, let's just say Santa got higher than the North Pole. As I was thrust into the first of eight Jewish-themed stoner miracles, Bernie had no choice but to step up and become my designated driver, or be forever known as the Jew who ruined Christmas.

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151.081 - 165.972 Narrator

Episode 2, Interior, O'Hare Airport, later that night. An asleep Santa, sporting a Wisconsin Dells bucket hat and sunglasses, is haphazardly strung over a baggage cart, being pushed by Bernie.

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166.452 - 170.195 Bernie

Yeah, sorry I had a weekend at Bernie's, your ass, but there was no way I was getting in that sleigh.

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170.828 - 181.611 Narrator

Eve looks on in confusion as Bernie wheels Santa to the Spirit Airlines counter. Bernie hops over and goes nuts on the computer. Eve looks back and forth from Bernie to Man in Red.

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181.631 - 187.213 Eve

I have questions. No time, Eve. Gotta be a hero. Is your party over? How did it go?

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187.233 - 190.954 Narrator

Bernie types vigorously. Eve looks at Bernie's screen.

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191.674 - 202.002 Eve

Indiana? What's in Indiana? An orphanage, Eve. Two tickets. You're getting on a plane? Standby doesn't let you do first class.

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202.022 - 202.503 Narrator

Damn it!

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202.843 - 213.016 Eve

What is going on? Who is this man? Is this your uncle or something? Yeah, that's good. Let's go with that. What happened to your crippling fear of flying heights and the first final destination?

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213.337 - 217.342 Bernie

Eve, I've got a point to prove, an Ativan to take, and no time to explain.

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217.793 - 234.747 Narrator

Bernie grabs her tickets and wheels Santa towards security. Interior, boarding tunnel, later. Bernie struggles to figure out the brakes on Santa's wheelchair. She kicks the chair multiple times, making out cold Santa jerk back and forth. She bends down to nonchalantly whisper into his ear.

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235.247 - 246.737 Bernie

Okay, Papa Noel. We got through security with minor hiccups. Thank you, Dave. And now, we just need to board, take off in a man-made steel tube of circulated farts, and defy gravity without understanding how. Easy.

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247.827 - 259.012 Narrator

Hello, yes, what? Why are you yelling? I'm surprised you're even awake. Thought you'd for sure have smoked yourself into a pot coma. Funny you should say that. Why is that funny? You haven't even asked how anyone is. Right.

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278.524 - 282.927 Bernie's Relative

Not great. Mom went into anaphylactic shock and is on an epinephrine drip.

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283.227 - 285.169 Bernie

Oh, my God. Is she going to be okay?

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285.249 - 294.255 Bernie's Relative

Yes, don't be so dramatic. Anyway, I'm calling because I'm feeling much better. Even pregnant, my immune system is robust.

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294.535 - 295.656 Narrator

Bernie rolls her eyes.

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296.677 - 304.803 Bernie's Relative

I'm going to convince the doctor to release me so I can head back early and clean up the party. I assume you haven't, and Mom doesn't need any more stress. No!

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305.383 - 308.085 Narrator

Everyone in the tunnel stares at Bernie, who just screamed...

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313.467 - 313.787 Bernie's Relative

Nephew.

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321.112 - 322.012 Bernie

When are you thinking that'll be?

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324.153 - 329.957 Bernie's Relative

Hopefully by morning. I hate that Samuel has to spend the night here.

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329.977 - 333.779 Bernie

So go be with him. And mom. I got the house really wrong.

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336.195 - 353.328 Bernie's Relative

Okay, but to be frank, everyone is at their wits' ends with you. Mom and Dad are getting older. They can't handle the drama. If they come home to a mess, I don't know how much longer you'll be welcome. Oh, that's the nurse. I gotta go. Bye.

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353.889 - 361.635 Narrator

Bernie startles when she notices a bundled boy staring at gold pixie dust swirling out of Santa's open mouth every time he snores.

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362.475 - 366.244 Sotnick

Is... is that Santa? Yes.

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366.725 - 377.552 Narrator

The line starts to move as everyone boards the plane. Interior, Spirit Airplane, later. Bernie finishes buckling a snooze Santa into his seat. A flight attendant approaches.

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378.752 - 380.273 Bernie's Relative

Oh, your grandpa?

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380.714 - 383.856 Bernie

I wish. My life would have been way cooler. Can I have the alcohol?

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384.656 - 390.98 Bernie's Relative

Vodka? Gin? Yes. That'll be $40. Water will be fine. Still $40. Please go.

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394.133 - 399.658 Narrator

Bernie pops open her Ativan bottle. The doors shut loudly. Bernie coolly adjusts her position.

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399.898 - 402.34 Bernie

Okay. Here we go. It's happening.

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402.7 - 407.204 Narrator

As the plane starts to taxi, Bernie grabs Santa's hand. She shuts her eyes tight.

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407.924 - 416.972 Bernie

Real talk, Nicholas? I wish I was the one high right now. I know you're going through eight crazy nights in one or whatever Benjamin said, but I could really use some catatonic right now.

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417.771 - 433.787 Narrator

As Bernie continues to mumble to herself, Santa's eyes bust open, smash zoom into Santa's peeper. We enter his eye and dive through a stocking to emerge in a boiling pot of oil. A menorah's second candle gets lit and Benjamin's floating head appears.

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434.107 - 437.371 Benjamin

Miracle two! Become a dreidel and spin out!

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441.909 - 447.655 Narrator

We are sucked out of Santa's iris. His eyes are now vibrating. Bernie feels Santa shaking.

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448.456 - 456.085 Bernie

Uh-oh. Santa? Get me out of here! Miracle 2! Miracle 2!

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456.713 - 471.74 Narrator

Santa tries to get out of his seat. He flings around, not understanding he's restrained by his seatbelt. He uses the Santa's strength to rip through. He stands up. A buckle flight attendant leans out. Sir, we're still taxiing. The seatbelt light is on.

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471.86 - 476.142 Santa Claus

What is this? Why am I here? Who are you people?

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476.622 - 483.965 Narrator

Santa bangs on the window. The passenger doesn't like what's happening. Take it easy, buddy. Sit down. Bernie grabs Santa's leg.

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484.105 - 490.548 Bernie

Santa, sit down. You are about to be tackled by patriots, and then Christmas will be really wrecked.

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490.888 - 496.831 Santa Claus

Christmas? Is Christmas today? Is today Christmas? Oh, I have so much to do.

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500.16 - 503.083 Narrator

Santa takes off down the aisle towards the emergency door.

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503.323 - 504.104 Bernie

Not good.

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504.465 - 519.661 Narrator

Bernie chases after him. Heroic passengers try to restrain him, but Santa's shifty. A bald air marshal enters the aisle. He whips out his badge. Sir, I am an air marshal. You need to sit down. Bernie struggles to get through the looky-loos to reach Santa.

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519.881 - 522.605 Bernie

Oh no, please, please, he's got dementia. He doesn't mean any harm.

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522.625 - 527.552 Santa Claus

Ma'am, do not get involved or you'll be in violation too. I will take you both down.

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527.993 - 535.003 Narrator

Santa reaches into his coat. The passengers gasp. He pulls out a toupee. The air marshal's eyes widen.

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535.664 - 548.874 Santa Claus

Oh. Kevin Garrity. Nice list since 1986. Monofilament toupee. Number one on your Christmas list. Let me out. Uh, I didn't ask for that. Take it.

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549.234 - 554.298 Agent Gimble

It's yours. How did you know that it was... Get me off this plane!

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555.109 - 578.623 Narrator

Smash 2, interior, TSA interrogation room, later. Bernie sits across from Agent Gimble. She's glancing towards a two-way mirror, intercut width, interior, behind the mirror, same, where Santa is being strip searched by police. They pull endless Christmas fun from his person. Back in interrogation room, Agent Gimble smacks the table to get Bernie's attention.

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579.004 - 593.696 Agent Gimble

Hey! I say I was surprised to see you here, but I'm not a little girl and you're not a jack in the box. You're predictable. I knew you'd end up right here in front of me, cuffed.

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594.875 - 600.76 Bernie

Gimbal, I need you to be not yourself right now, okay? This is an emergency.

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601.421 - 609.148 Santa Claus

You bet your ass it's an emergency. You just committed a Title 49 felony. You're toast, Bernice.

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609.488 - 615.354 Bernie

Yeah, my name's short for Bernadette, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that you help me get the man you're holding to Indiana.

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616.141 - 624.429 Narrator

From holding, the police have just pulled a candy cane from Santa's nethers. They are horrified. Agent Gimbel kicks his feet up on the table.

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625.25 - 640.245 Santa Claus

Why is it that a woman who's never used her airline's benefits suddenly, on Christmas Eve, wants to travel to Fort Wayne, Indiana with a man claiming... To be Santa Claus.

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641.046 - 654.671 Narrator

Agent Gimbel tosses an ID towards Bernie. She looks down and takes in Santa's driver's license. It reads, Nicholas Claus, North Pole, 0315, 270 AD. Bernie takes a deep breath. She's exhausted.

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655.071 - 659.133 Santa Claus

False identification? Another charge to be leveled.

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659.453 - 664.295 Bernie

He's not claiming to be Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

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665.055 - 665.816 Santa Claus

No, he isn't.

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666.156 - 666.856 Bernie

The ID's real.

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667.779 - 668.759 Santa Claus

That's impossible.

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668.82 - 671.541 Bernie

He's real. All of it is real.

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671.941 - 673.242 Narrator

Gimble slaps the table.

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673.722 - 702.45 Santa Claus

Santa is not real. Okay? He's not. Christmas is about Christ, not some mythical pervert pulling peonies once a year. No respectable adult lets their kid believe and believe and believe. And then they're in college and they still believe. And then infantiles... Infantilizes. Thank you, yes. God damn it, I knew that.

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705.375 - 712.345 Santa Claus

And then they're in college and they still believe and it infantilizes and emasculates them till there's nothing left.

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712.425 - 713.166 Bernie

Really specific.

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714.79 - 729.013 Santa Claus

Well, I don't make nice sweaters cause I'm not a sheep. And I won't be fooled twice. Now you're gonna go and tell me the truth or I'm gonna make you wish the yarn you're spinning is long enough to hang yourself with.

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730.188 - 751.902 Narrator

From holding, Santa's hands are pressed against the two-way mirror. The strip search gets personal and makes Santa's eyes string open. We smash Zoom into Santa's eyeball, busting through day 25 on an advent calendar. Instead of chocolate is the golden hand of Hamsa. A menorah's third candle gets lit, and Benjamin's floating head appears.

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752.302 - 756.905 Benjamin

Miracle three! Channel the Maccabees and fight for your lives!

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758.757 - 780.3 Narrator

We are sucked out of Santa's iris, and now his eyes are glowing red. Santa slowly turns around. All energy spinning out is now replaced with pure rage. The policemen take a terrified step back. Santa beats the ever-loving shit out of them. Gimble, unaware of what's happening on the other side of the mirror, finishes his speech.

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780.92 - 788.606 Santa Claus

Bite the bullshit, Bernie, because I'm not saying this again. Santa is not real!

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789.987 - 800.715 Narrator

On cue, Santa headbutts the window and smashes it to smithereens. Bernie screams and covers herself from the glass shower. The blow forces Gimble to the floor. Gimble grabs his radio.

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802.964 - 806.746 Santa Claus

We've got a 32 PC. We're gonna need backup. Officer down!

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807.307 - 810.929 Narrator

Agent Gimble grabs his taser and aims. He shoots at Santa's private parts.

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811.629 - 813.691 Santa Claus

Bingo! You melted my snowballs.

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816.607 - 831.538 Narrator

Santa reaches into his pants and pulls out an icy snowball. It's huge. He launches the ball at Gimble. Upon impact, Gimble spits teeth and goes down. Bernie's eyes widen in fear as Santa turns his attention to her. She scoots backwards in terror.

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832.018 - 837.402 Bernie

Look, Santa, I can explain. I was just trying to help. I swear to God, please. Please don't.

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837.522 - 842.506 Narrator

Bernie flinches and then realizes Santa has reached his hand out to her as if to help her up.

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843.406 - 848.164 Bernie

I'm going to take your hand now. Please don't dislocate my shoulder.

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849.184 - 873.32 Narrator

Santa yanks Bernie up like a rag doll as he presses his belt buckle that is blinking red and green. The two are shot up through the ceiling. Exterior, O'Hare Airport, moments later. On the roof of the airport, faraway screams are accompanied by the sound of drywall being busted through. Bernie and Santa emerge through the roof. Shingles, glass and dust fly everywhere.

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873.62 - 896.988 Narrator

Bernie is covered in the powder as Santa's eyes glow red through his dirt-covered face. As Santa and Bernie fly through the air, they suddenly drop. They're about to crash into pavement when... Santa and Bernie land perfectly inside Santa's sleigh. The reindeer trot in place. Bernie startles as a giant commercial airplane passes them to take off.

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897.348 - 904.551 Narrator

She opens her eyes and realizes they're on the runway. Bernie looks at Santa, who is still in Maccabee mode.

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905.051 - 907.132 Bernie

Benjamin, what the fuck did you sell me?

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907.921 - 911.042 Narrator

Santa smiles with clenched teeth and prompts the reindeer.

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911.522 - 919.545 Santa Claus

On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, and Donner, and Blitzen!

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920.325 - 953.761 Narrator

The reindeer turn around to look at Santa and see his evil form and... They turn back around and use the tarmac to take flight. Bernie holds on for dear life. Through the hole in the roof, we... Through the hole in the roof, we see Agent Gimble gain consciousness right in time to see the sleigh fly by. In shock, Gimble grabs his cell phone and dials. Mommy, about Santa, you were right.

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955.2 - 956.381 Santa Claus

I'm so sorry!

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957.962 - 972.352 Narrator

Exterior rooftop, orphanage, Indiana. Later that night, the sleigh lands atop the roof with a thud. Bernie opens the gate door, falls to her knees, and vomits. Santa grabs the list and presents before marching to the chimney like a possessed zombie.

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973.133 - 975.555 Bernie

Whoa, whoa, whoa, big guy. You can't go in there like that.

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976.315 - 979.017 Narrator

Santa tilts his head like a confused dog.

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979.718 - 983.961 Bernie

You will scare the shit out of the children. They're orphans. They've been through enough.

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984.477 - 988.959 Narrator

Santa turns to the reindeer and growls. Donner growls back.

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990.52 - 992.361 Bernie

Yeah, okay, case in point. I'll fill in.

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992.481 - 997.443 Narrator

How do I... Bernie gestures to the chimney. Santa takes off his hat and hands it to her.

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998.023 - 999.064 Bernie

You gonna be good up here?

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999.404 - 1001.004 Narrator

I'll keep watch for Greeks.

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1001.905 - 1004.146 Bernie

Is that a Hanukkah thing? You know what? No time.

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1004.466 - 1048.946 Narrator

Bernie looks down the chimney. Santa, annoyed by her hemming and hawing, pushes his magical bell button, and once again, Bernie is sucked down the chimney. Shoo! Interior, Indiana Orphanage, moments later. Bernie lands on her toughest. What are you doing here? Cool. Peasy peasy. Hello, orphans. Hello.

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1074.64 - 1084.403 Bernie

Did you bring chocolates? Right, the hat. Ho, ho, it's me, Santa Claus. Merry Christmas, parentless children.

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1084.423 - 1090.925 Narrator

A child, Demetrius, grins ear to ear as he looks up at Santa.

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1091.626 - 1092.946 Eve

I knew he was black.

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1093.993 - 1103.757 Narrator

We see Santa from Demetrius' POV. He's right. Santa's black. Bernie is confused. So is Cassandra, a little girl wearing glasses and a long dressing gown.

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1104.657 - 1108.619 Cassandra

What are you talking about? Santa's clearly a woman.

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1109.192 - 1117.623 Narrator

Bernie looks down at herself, nervous. They are seeing the real her. From Cassandra's POV, we see a female Santa who looks like Betty White.

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1118.064 - 1124.152 Child 1

Uh-uh! Santa's a centaur! Look at his hooves! Santa's my mom. Can't you see it?

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1125.475 - 1131.342 Narrator

The kids argue over what Santa looks like. Bernie thinks for a moment and smiles. She bends down to give a speech.

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1131.802 - 1138.75 Bernie

I think Santa might appear different to everyone. What Santa looks like depends on how you see him.

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1139.05 - 1142.755 Narrator

From one child's POV, Santa becomes a Cuban woman.

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1142.775 - 1171.188 Bernie

¿Cómo la ves? Or how you see... No, no. That's incorrect. O como le ves. Or how you see them. That's the magic of Chanukah Christmas. Christmas. That's the magic of Christmas. It's beautiful. Yes, it is, little one. Now I got a jet. I've got more presents to deliver and a sleigh to Dee Dee. Cool? Cool.

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1171.803 - 1174.324 Narrator

Bernie stands and starts backing up towards the chimney.

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1174.805 - 1178.507 Bernie

Merry Christmas to all and to all's sleep good.

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1178.667 - 1182.049 Narrator

Bernie notices a reflection of the perfect Coca-Cola Claus in the mirror.

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1182.469 - 1186.071 Bernie

Of course you see Coca-Cola Claus. You're basic, Bernie.

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1187.331 - 1197.757 Narrator

She is sucked up through the chimney. Exterior, rooftop, orphanage, moments later. Bernie shoops out of the chimney and this time lands in a squat, her butt touching the snow.

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1198.798 - 1199.078 Child 1

Better.

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1199.918 - 1205.423 Narrator

Santa jumps around to face Bernie, dukes up. He wields a sharpened candy cane like a shiv.

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1205.563 - 1212.009 Bernie

Santa, stop. It's just me. Put the cane down. That wasn't the one up your butt, right?

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1212.51 - 1216.974 Narrator

Donner leans over and chomps on the butt cane. Bernie throws the sack into the sleigh.

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1217.414 - 1224.341 Bernie

Well, that was surprisingly chill. Like, I friggin' nailed that on the first go. I don't know what your elves were quacking about, because I got this shit down.

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1224.994 - 1226.375 Narrator

Bernie hops into the sleigh.

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1226.695 - 1229.637 Bernie

What do you say, Mel Gibson Santa? You ready to crush Christmas?

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1230.137 - 1231.558 Narrator

Mel is on the naughty list.

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1231.938 - 1233.739 Bernie

For good reason. Get in, sugar tits.

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1236.261 - 1258.402 Narrator

Santa gets in the sleigh, and they take flight. Bernie's screams fill the night. Exterior night sky, Midwest montage. An upbeat Christmas song slaps as we see in record speed the sleigh soaring from house to house. Insert shots of the list. Multiple names get checked off in between flights. Weather shots of flurries and drizzles.

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1258.842 - 1282.697 Narrator

Clear night skies and shooting stars as they fly over the map of the Midwest. Roof shots of Bernie repeatedly pulling Santa back from ledges as he tries to fight anyone passing by. Belt shots of Santa pushing his belt buckle over and over. Shoop shots of Bernie entering and exiting multiple chimneys. The last shoop lands Bernie inside of an interior middle-class house, Texas, later that night.

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1283.178 - 1298.608 Narrator

The song fades as Bernie enters a dark living room. She heads to the tree. Suddenly, a string is pulled and a light illuminates a little girl, Jeannie, sitting on the couch. Bernie startles. Falling backwards into the tree, she catches her breath.

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1300.202 - 1301.542 Bernie

Don't do that.

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💬 0

1302.122 - 1303.163 Narrator

Assistance needed?

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💬 0

1306.563 - 1308.464 Bernie

No, everything's fine. Don't come down.

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💬 0

1308.964 - 1314.625 Narrator

The little girl stares blankly at Santa. From her POV, Santa looks like our traditional Coca-Cola Claus.

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1315.145 - 1320.346 Bernie

You know, you're not supposed to be awake. One of the songs says so. Go to bed. Good night.

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1320.766 - 1325.187 Narrator

The little girl doesn't move. Bernie tries to finish delivering presents, but can't.

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1325.387 - 1335.389 Bernie

What, are you just going to watch me? Jeannie Smith? I've been waiting for you all night. That's not creepy, Jeannie. Okay, well, here I am.

0
💬 0

1335.769 - 1340.05 Cassandra

Go to bed so I can do the thing. Remember when we talked at the mall?

0
💬 0

1340.67 - 1342.571 Narrator

Bernie uncomfortably nods yes.

0
💬 0

1343.731 - 1345.592 Cassandra

I asked for an LOL doll.

0
💬 0

1346.472 - 1350.893 Narrator

Bernie puts her hand in the sack and a present shoots up. She checks the list.

0
💬 0

1351.133 - 1353.854 Bernie

Yep, got it. Act surprised for your parents. Good night.

0
💬 0

1354.254 - 1355.855 Narrator

Bernie heads back towards the chimney.

0
💬 0

1356.075 - 1365.792 Bernie

Wait! I want to exchange it. I don't think it works that way, kid. I mean, it could, but I don't know how. I don't know if we'd do receipts, but your parents probably could exchange it. They'll figure it out.

0
💬 0

1366.252 - 1372.435 Cassandra

My parents are getting a divorce, and instead of an LOL doll, I want them to stay together.

0
💬 0

1372.455 - 1379.178 Bernie

Oh, um, that is sad info.

0
💬 0

1381.339 - 1383.98 Narrator

The little girl blinks up at Bernie with innocence.

0
💬 0

1384.54 - 1386.061 Bernie

I don't know how I'm supposed to handle this.

0
💬 0

1386.769 - 1392.452 Narrator

Bernie thinks and decides to take a seat on the couch. Without prompt, Jeannie immediately jumps on her lap.

0
💬 0

1394.213 - 1407.521 Bernie

Not what I, whatever, it's fine. Jeannie, let me ask you something. Do your parents get along? No, they've been fighting a lot. Hmm, do they seem like they're happy together?

0
💬 0

1408.14 - 1410.664 Narrator

Jeannie thinks and then sadly shakes her head no.

0
💬 0

1411.846 - 1436.092 Bernie

Then why do you want them to stay together? I don't want things to change. Why? Things sound like they suck here right now. Besides, divorce can be dope. It can? Yeah. Two houses, two Christmases. Sometimes they'll fight over you and try to buy your love, which can be hella fun. Maybe you'll remarry and you'll get step-siblings or half-siblings. You an only child? Yeah, I hate it.

0
💬 0

1436.313 - 1449.562 Bernie

So the opportunities sound fruitful. Look, I know this sucks. Like, even though it has nothing to do with you, it affects you. And it's really unfair. But there's another really good thing about divorce that I didn't mention. The best part.

0
💬 0

1450.082 - 1451.503 Narrator

Jeannie looks up, hopeful.

0
💬 0

1451.977 - 1476.125 Bernie

Your parents got a shot at being happy. You want that, right? Yeah. If they're happy, you'll be happy. Probably. I can't see the future, but I do know, just judging from what's under the tree and the weird mall photos... Bernie gestures to photos of Jeannie and her parents lying atop each other in denim. It's clear that your parents love you big time. A divorce won't change that.

0
💬 0

1476.825 - 1478.326 Bernie

So, what do you say?

0
💬 0

1478.953 - 1488.135 Narrator

Bernie holds up the LOL doll. Genie smiles and grabs the doll, holding it to her chest lovingly. Bernie stands up and Genie falls off her lap hard.

0
💬 0

1489.636 - 1495.957 Bernie

Merry Christmas, Genie. It's gonna be okay. Santa, I love you.

0
💬 0

1496.637 - 1507.78 Narrator

Bernie holds in a big cry. She heads up the chimney. On the mantel, we focus in on an elf on the shelf. The eyes glow green and the head turns to follow Bernie's ascent.

0
💬 0

1508.797 - 1528.215 Ad Narrator

This episode of Tablery Podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are the things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit Progressive.com to see if you could save. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary.

0
💬 0

1528.335 - 1529.897 Ad Narrator

Not available in all states or situations.

0
💬 0

1531.215 - 1541.227 Narrator

Exterior, Los Angeles sky, later that night. Bernie and Santa are sailing through the smog, and when it clears, Bernie gets a closer look at the temperature. It's 85 degrees.

0
💬 0

1541.327 - 1543.39 Bernie

Good Lord, I'm schvitzing.

0
💬 0

1543.63 - 1547.314 Narrator

Bernie takes off the Santa hat and glances at still angry, red-eyed Santa.

0
💬 0

1547.454 - 1550.238 Bernie

How do you not sweat your silver balls off south of the equator?

0
💬 0

1550.934 - 1575.653 Narrator

Angry Santa turns a dial and they are blasted with AC. They suddenly land atop of... Exterior, lit loft, TikTok house. Continuous. The house is a McMansion. Bernie hops out of the sleigh. In the front seat, Bernie's phone, filled with missed texts from Eve, glows with a FaceTime call. Bernie tries to hit ignore, but accidentally picks up. Intercut with... Interior, Eve's apartment. Same.

0
💬 0

1576.594 - 1579.978 Narrator

Eve is in Christmas jammies on her bed. She erupts with worry.

0
💬 0

1580.318 - 1586.565 Eve

Bernie? I have been blowing you up all night. You got arrested? Where are you?

0
💬 0

1586.585 - 1588.086 Bernie

Eve, I can't talk right now.

0
💬 0

1588.467 - 1595.114 Eve

Why? Is that George R.R. Martin motherfucker listening? Are you okay? Long story. Okay, I'll explain later.

0
💬 0

1595.274 - 1596.515 Bernie

Eve, I gotta go.

0
💬 0

1596.796 - 1598.918 Narrator

Bernie hangs up on Eve, ending the intercut.

0
💬 0

1599.414 - 1617.802 Bernie

That'll be fun to deal with later. Okay, Droid Santa, according to the list, we only have West Coast, Best Coast left, so since you're stuck in the Rage Miracle, I'll continue being a hero and go deliver Christmas to... The Lit Loft TikTok House's Holiday Party. Kill.

0
💬 0

1618.928 - 1636.112 Narrator

Interior, lit loft, later. Bernie creeps around a dimly lit living room. Every square inch is Instagrammable. There are neon signs, retro arcade machines, and cotton candy dispensers. Bernie hears the party happening outside, but for now, she's alone. She spots a Christmas tree in the corner.

0
💬 0

1636.472 - 1636.952 Bernie

Bingo.

0
💬 0

1637.392 - 1640.713 Narrator

Bernie drags the sack over. She opens the list and reads.

0
💬 0

1641.013 - 1642.193 Bernie

Michaela Bell.

0
💬 0

1642.793 - 1645.854 Narrator

Bernie sticks her hand in the sack, and a gift flies up.

0
💬 0

1646.214 - 1649.437 Bernie

At-home lip filler. Welcome to Los Angeles.

0
💬 0

1650.397 - 1652.039 Narrator

Another gift flies to Bernie.

0
💬 0

1652.459 - 1659.384 Bernie

David Grimm. You got Instabot. Gain 10 times your followers in minutes. Jesus.

0
💬 0

1659.724 - 1678.018 Narrator

Bernie unpacks more and more gifts until... Santa! Bernie looks up, startled. Is she caught? There's no one around. If they're not talking about her, well, who must they be talking about? Fuck. Bernie sets down the sack and heads towards exterior lit loft backyard moments later.

0
💬 0

1678.799 - 1700.704 Narrator

Bernie takes in a laser-lit trendy Gen Z Christmas party, handfuls of adult-looking teens TikTok dance to the beats, a DJ mans the stage, and sexy elf dress cater waiters hand out festive cocktails. Bernie spots angry Santa holding the hat Bernie left behind. Bernie realizes she is not protected by her Santa identity and is standing in the middle of a party in her Jewy PJs.

0
💬 0

1701.304 - 1707.212 Narrator

She looks like a choogy narc. Bernie passes through overheard in LA convos on her way to Santa.

0
💬 0

1707.987 - 1709.749 Agent Gimble

I just invested in this new crypto.

0
💬 0

1710.009 - 1711.49 Narrator

I'm gonna drip in guava.

0
💬 0

1711.81 - 1713.252 Child 1

Oh, that's candy, bro.

0
💬 0

1713.552 - 1716.094 Narrator

A stressed assistant approaches angry Santa.

0
💬 0

1716.554 - 1723.58 Child 1

You're late. I told your agency 10 p.m. I could get fired. Look, you glorified extra.

0
💬 0

1723.861 - 1730.406 Narrator

You need to deliver so that my boss... The assistant points to a literal 11-year-old with rainbow hair.

0
💬 0

1730.887 - 1734.35 Child 1

Doesn't can me on Christmas. Gift bags are behind the booth.

0
💬 0

1734.824 - 1740.696 Narrator

The assistant shoves Santa onto the stage. The DJ stops the music. All eyes turn to Santa.

0
💬 0

1740.917 - 1741.658 Bernie

Not good.

0
💬 0

1742.671 - 1756.716 Narrator

The Maccabee Miracle has given Santa Terminator vision. We cut into his POV as he scans the crowd for Bernie. He spots her right as an e-boy douche slithers up, shooting a shot. He immediately gives Bernie the ick.

0
💬 0

1757.336 - 1758.096 Benjamin

Sup, girl.

0
💬 0

1758.637 - 1759.497 Narrator

You here solo?

0
💬 0

1759.597 - 1760.117 Bernie

No, thank you.

0
💬 0

1761.077 - 1766.739 Benjamin

OK. Hard to get. I see you. But you'll find my riz is persuasive.

0
💬 0

1767.099 - 1770.14 Narrator

The e-boy douche puts his arm around an uninterested Bernie.

0
💬 0

1770.241 - 1771.101 Bernie

Dude, I said no.

0
💬 0

1772.711 - 1794.824 Narrator

The douche isn't listening to Bernie and continues to invade her space. Santa's Terminator vision flashes with threat detected and his hands ball into fists. Santa leaps off the stage. Everyone gasps in fear as Santa slow-mo flies towards e-boy douche. As he sails through the air, Santa's eyes suddenly shoot open. Smash zoom into Santa's eyeball.

0
💬 0

1795.264 - 1814.552 Narrator

We enter and see a blonde head slowly rotating, wearing a Christmas cracker crown. As the head spins, the hair turns. Brunette! A bald patch forms in the center of the head. A yarmulke slaps down over the bald spot. A menorah's fourth candle gets lit, and Benjamin's floating head appears.

0
💬 0

1814.872 - 1819.233 Benjamin

Miracle four! You're a menorah, bitch! Get lit!

0
💬 0

1823.564 - 1828.166 Narrator

We zoom out of Santa's eyes and find him behind the DJ booth. He grabs the mic.

0
💬 0

1829.347 - 1833.648 Santa Claus

Let's get fa-la-la-la-lit!

0
💬 0

1836.69 - 1848.215 Narrator

Air horns! Santa drops a fat beat. The crowd erupts with uniform party vibes. Santa grabs a champagne bottle from a nearby server and showers the crowd. These underage kids love it.

0
💬 0

1853.427 - 1854.729 Bernie

And there's Miracle Four.

0
💬 0

1854.889 - 1860.856 Narrator

Bernie fights through bumping and grinding to meet Santa, just in time for him to jump off the stage and crowd surf away.

0
💬 0

1860.876 - 1862.478 Bernie

Santa, over here!

0
💬 0

1862.858 - 1880.914 Narrator

Bernie tries to follow Santa, but gets danced in the opposite direction. She gets booty popped by Juicy Caboosey and falls to the ground, where she spots... Boots with fur. As Bernie army crawls towards the boots, a lacy thong lands atop her head. Bernie peels the undies off.

0
💬 0

1881.554 - 1882.415 Bernie

And there's Pink Eye.

0
💬 0

1883.035 - 1886.877 Narrator

Suddenly, a white glove hand reaches down and hoists Bernie to her feet.

0
💬 0

1887.157 - 1894.021 Santa Claus

Bernie! You lit? You having fun? You're charged? Let's go!

0
💬 0

1895.296 - 1896.197 Narrator

Santa fist pumps.

0
💬 0

1896.257 - 1899.218 Bernie

What the hell, dude? You were supposed to keep a lookout on the roof.

0
💬 0

1899.739 - 1901.2 Santa Claus

You forgot the hat.

0
💬 0

1901.36 - 1902.54 Bernie

Who's watching the caribou?

0
💬 0

1903.081 - 1908.684 Santa Claus

Vibe check. Oh, you seem stressed. Oh, oh, oh, I know what you need.

0
💬 0

1909.284 - 1916.068 Bernie

Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. Never thought I'd miss Hulk, Santa.

0
💬 0

1916.669 - 1920.411 Narrator

Bernie grabs Santa's hand and drags him towards the exit, but he doesn't budge.

0
💬 0

1920.987 - 1928.371 Bernie

We have to go. We still have like three states and a smidge of West Canada to deliver Christmas to. Come on, we're running out of time.

0
💬 0

1928.811 - 1936.015 Santa Claus

Time? Bernadoodle, I'm Father Time. Check your watch.

0
💬 0

1936.075 - 1938.717 Narrator

That's weird.

0
💬 0

1939.197 - 1941.118 Bernie

It's been 1 a.m. for like 20 minutes.

0
💬 0

1941.438 - 1946.361 Santa Claus

When the sleigh's not in flight, time slows down the night. Stop!

0
💬 0

1950.029 - 1952.332 Bernie

Okay, so it's 1 a.m. as long as we're here?

0
💬 0

1952.352 - 1956.517 Narrator

Give or take. Bernie pauses, thinking.

0
💬 0

1956.537 - 1960.041 Bernie

I mean, in that case, let's party.

0
💬 0

1962.824 - 1982.952 Narrator

As Bernie and Santa slap fives, cue pursuit of happiness, or whatever this podcast can afford. epic party montage. Bernie takes a shot. Dance break. Bernie and Santa throw gifts back into the crowd. Dance break. Santa whispers into Jake Paul's ear and his life is forever changed by the magical secret Santa bestowed. Dance break.

0
💬 0

1983.373 - 1990.536 Narrator

The debauchery is cut short when Bernie notices a man in a janky Santa suit enter angrily and spot the real Santa.

0
💬 0

1990.908 - 1993.109 Bernie

Time's up, Euphoria Santa. Party's over.

0
💬 0

1993.629 - 1996.91 Santa Claus

Oh, no. They haven't even played my request yet.

0
💬 0

1997.09 - 2002.171 Narrator

When Bernie sees hired Santa and the stressed assistant approaching, she has to think fast.

0
💬 0

2002.911 - 2005.192 Bernie

We're going to another party. This one's tired.

0
💬 0

2005.412 - 2011.513 Narrator

But... Bernie ignores Santa's protesting and lifts his belt buckle. The e-boy douche misreads what's happening.

0
💬 0

2012.034 - 2013.354 Benjamin

Hell yeah, I'm next.

0
💬 0

2013.953 - 2023.537 Narrator

The e-boy douche eagerly unbuckles his belt. As Bernie pushes Santa's button, she junk punches e-boy before. Hey e-boy, I need that reaction to you getting punched.

0
💬 0

2025.058 - 2025.798 Unidentified Voice

Yeah.

0
💬 0

2026.759 - 2037.844 Narrator

Okay. Bernie and Santa fly towards the roof. Everyone stares in shock at the magic that just happened before erupting into cheers.

0
💬 0

2041.69 - 2043.674 Santa Claus

Best party trick ever!

0
💬 0

2044.276 - 2046.941 Narrator

Hired Santa throws his hat on the ground in frustration.

0
💬 0

2047.282 - 2049.025 Santa Claus

How am I supposed to follow that?

0
💬 0

2051.457 - 2060.244 Narrator

Exterior, night sky, west coast, later. Santa and Bernie soar through translucent clouds past the yellow moon. The sleigh bumps with a little turbulence.

0
💬 0

2061.045 - 2064.148 Santa Claus

Whoa! I love it when it does that.

0
💬 0

2064.588 - 2067.27 Narrator

Santa sees Bernie white-knuckling the side of the sleigh.

0
💬 0

2067.711 - 2070.853 Santa Claus

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're still not used to it.

0
💬 0

2071.073 - 2078.3 Bernie

I don't think that us mere mortals could ever get used to flying in a sleigh led by fancy moose. But at least I stopped barfing. Ha ha!

0
💬 0

2078.52 - 2079.981 Santa Claus

Puke and rally!

0
💬 0

2080.562 - 2084.545 Bernie

I actually think I'm doing pretty well considering my crippling fear of flying.

0
💬 0

2084.565 - 2089.169 Santa Claus

Celebrate good times! Come on!

0
💬 0

2090.811 - 2093.373 Narrator

Santa claps over his head repeatedly as he sings.

0
💬 0

2093.933 - 2095.455 Santa Claus

Look what I learned at the party!

0
💬 0

2095.975 - 2099.799 Narrator

Santa does the sleigh ride TikTok dance. Bernie can't help but laugh. Ha ha!

0
💬 0

2101.348 - 2107.893 Bernie

You know, not that I pictured what it would be like to hang out with Santa, but if I did, it wouldn't have been this.

0
💬 0

2108.613 - 2113.757 Santa Claus

What would it have been like? 24-7 rave-a-thon?

0
💬 0

2113.817 - 2127.386 Bernie

Less glow sticks, more judgment, maybe? Usually old people are kind of critical, but you're like the oldest dude in history, and not once have you tried to teach me a lesson. And this time I kind of deserved it. I mean, I full-on drugged and semi-kidnapped you.

0
💬 0

2127.746 - 2131.285 Santa Claus

You did? ! Party foe!

0
💬 0

2131.625 - 2145.828 Bernie

Hey, Frat Santa. Can you cool it? I'm trying to say thank you. It's been a minute since anyone's believed in me, and it feels really good. You trusting me to take the lead, I, um, it just means a lot, so thanks.

0
💬 0

2146.269 - 2150.75 Santa Claus

Oh, you're a sick double D, Bernie, and I'm having a great time.

0
💬 0

2152.006 - 2156.054 Sotnick

DD. I don't know what that is. Designated driver.

0
💬 0

2156.254 - 2157.837 Santa Claus

Oh, dear God.

0
💬 0

2158.137 - 2160.321 Bernie

Jim, you're always thinking tips.

0
💬 0

2160.361 - 2167.533 Santa Claus

I thought we were talking bra size. You're a sick DD birdie and I'm having a great time.

0
💬 0

2168.174 - 2179.121 Bernie

Good, I'm glad. They ate crazy miracles or whatever Benjamin has you going through. They really haven't been that crazy. Okay, aggro Santa was hardcore, but so far... Zing!

0
💬 0

2179.521 - 2190.528 Narrator

Santa's eyes spring open. We enter and land on the night before Christmas. The book morphs into a Torah that aggressively rolls up. A menorah's fifth candle gets lit and Benjamin's floating head appears.

0
💬 0

2190.948 - 2203.274 Benjamin

Miracle five. Yes, you can tour. Yee-haw, deedle, deedle, buh, buh, buh, buh, deedle, deedle, duh.

0
💬 0

2203.294 - 2206.396 Bernie

Yes, you can tour. Yes, you can tour.

0
💬 0

2207.016 - 2213.8 Benjamin

Miracle five. Yes, you can tour. Deedle, deedle, deedle, deedle, deedle, deedle, duh.

0
💬 0

2214.52 - 2216.101 Santa Claus

I'm experiencing so much schadenfreude.

0
💬 0

2220.922 - 2225.706 Narrator

We zoom out of Santa's eye. Bernie continues her speech, not realizing anything's happened.

0
💬 0

2225.887 - 2231.612 Bernie

And yes, fried Santa was hard to maneuver, but honestly, he was a good listener, you know?

0
💬 0

2232.252 - 2240.239 Narrator

Bernie notices Santa's quiet. Too quiet. In the silence, sleigh bells begin to jingle-jangle in rhythm. Bernie knows something's up.

0
💬 0

2240.34 - 2241.961 Bernie

What's happening?

0
💬 0

2242.902 - 2244.163 Narrator

Cue original song.

0
💬 0

2244.523 - 2247.246 Bernie

Wait, what's happening?

0
💬 0

2247.822 - 2253.904 Narrator

Magically, music swells. Accompanying Santa's song, Bernie looks around for the source. The radio's on.

0
💬 0

2253.984 - 2285.331 Santa Claus

Wait. Are you talking about me? I've roasted all the chestnuts, killed all the Christmas geese. But it's been so monotonous, delivering world peace. Suddenly threw your eyes a brand new view. Who knew Christmas needed a Jew?

0
💬 0

2285.551 - 2291.896 Bernie

Ish. We prefer Jew-ish. But I think I get what's going on here. Your next miracle is to be all Barbara and sing.

0
💬 0

2292.836 - 2300.503 Santa Claus

I've whistled all the carols that could ever have been sung. Chimneys I've been sliding down have given me black lung.

0
💬 0

2300.583 - 2304.166 Bernie

Wait, what? I've been sliding down chimneys all friggin' night.

0
💬 0

2304.386 - 2311.391 Santa Claus

Look, I no longer have the soot flu. Who knew Christmas needed a Jew?

0
💬 0

2311.431 - 2317.654 Narrator

Bernie swings her arms out in musical theater majesty and unaware, knocks the sleigh's lever to autopilot.

0
💬 0

2317.774 - 2340.485 Bernie

Correct. I've spent every Christmas eating Chinese food alone. The dark house on the block, that's what they used to call my home. But with you, I think I finally got my shot. Christmas needed a Jew. Who knew a Jew needed Christmas? Okay, sorry, I don't have, like, a magical we've-given song gift. I can't, like, improvise rhymes on the fly.

0
💬 0

2340.645 - 2344.527 Santa Claus

Oh, that's all right. I'll bring all the jolly.

0
💬 0

2344.767 - 2346.468 Bernie

And I'll bring all the oi.

0
💬 0

2346.748 - 2354.592 Santa Claus

We fit together perfectly, this Hebrew and this goy. You lit up my yuletide log and it's burning bright.

0
💬 0

2354.792 - 2358.534 Bernie

The sleigh is not the only thing that's higher than a kite.

0
💬 0

2358.554 - 2363.657 Santa Claus

A holly jolly mitzvah, yes, it's true. Who knew Christmas

0
💬 0

2367.498 - 2394.421 Narrator

The reindeer harmonized blues. The song ends with Bernie and Santa in a hug, best friends who are now touched down in the middle of nowhere. Exterior. Middle of nowhere. Daylight. Nothing but ice and glaciers as far as the eye can see. Bernie looks around, confused by her surroundings and the sunlight.

0
💬 0

2394.881 - 2398.624 Bernie

This doesn't look like Oregon. Do they not have night during winter?

0
💬 0

2399.404 - 2408.691 Narrator

Bernie gets out of the sleigh and wanders. As she inspects her surroundings, she doesn't notice the sleigh with Santa in it moving through a portal before it slowly disappears.

0
💬 0

2408.951 - 2410.112 Bernie

Santa, where exactly are we?

0
💬 0

2410.472 - 2412.994 Narrator

Bernie turns around and realizes she's completely alone.

0
💬 0

2413.534 - 2415.498 Bernie

Song Santa? Where are you? Hello?

0
💬 0

2415.599 - 2417.32 Narrator

Barbra Streisand? This isn't funny!

0
💬 0

2417.42 - 2419.842 Bernie

Is this a hide-and-seek miracle because I hate it? This is how I perish. Ah!

0
💬 0

2420.442 - 2452.23 Narrator

What was that? She peels herself up. Curiously, Bernie stretches her hand out and slowly reaches a weird ripple in the air. When she pushes her hand through the ripple, it disappears.

0
💬 0

2452.611 - 2455.132 Bernie

This is some Alex Mack shit.

0
💬 0

2455.785 - 2481.063 Narrator

Bernie lets her body follow through the ripple and enters the looking glass. She emerges inside of, interior, exterior, the real North Pole, continuous. Bernie looks behind her in the icy field she came from, gone, panicked. Bernie checks to make sure her whole bod made it through in one piece. Her bod's there, but it's decked out in Dutch Christmas attire. Bernie Gold has gotten a merry makeover.

0
💬 0

2482.143 - 2483.865 Bernie

Ooh, Bubby be rolling in her grave.

0
💬 0

2486.516 - 2507.008 Narrator

Bernie takes in the stupendous North Pole. It has cobblestone roads made of gingerbread and snow-capped crooked roofs. Bernie, in clogs, awkwardly shuffles down the street. She passes by a tavern serving hot chocolate on tap. There's a farmer's market with candy cane tastings. A fruitcake bakery's automatic machine spits out everyone's least favorite sticky cake.

0
💬 0

2507.768 - 2517.475 Narrator

Bernie lands in the town square and runs directly into Sotnick, the head elf. He is surrounded by his brethren, whose names also mean elf in different languages.

0
💬 0

2517.736 - 2519.217 Sotnick

Bernie Gold.

0
💬 0

2519.757 - 2525.922 Narrator

Bernie looks down to the CGI elves. Think elf on the shelf, but run through AI that has given them extra fingers and teeth.

0
💬 0

2526.082 - 2528.984 Bernie

Jesus, this is how I envision elves?

0
💬 0

2529.785 - 2536.29 Alfer

Another elf, Alfer, leans out from Sotnick. No, this is... this is just what we look like.

0
💬 0

2539.224 - 2541.727 Bernie

You guys are cute and not at all creepy.

0
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2541.747 - 2545.15 Hiroto

Thank you!

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2546.071 - 2549.975 Narrator

Bernie gasps. Terrifying. Sotnick gets down to business.

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2550.496 - 2553.179 Sotnick

What in the fiery Noel did you do to Santa?

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2553.809 - 2557.631 Narrator

Sotnick points at Santa, who is humming and swinging around a licorice lamppost.

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2558.531 - 2570.437 Bernie

Okay, so don't freak out. I've had it totally under control. It's actually kind of a funny story if you think about it. Hey, knock it off and get to the goody-goody gumdrops! Okay, okay. Santa came to my house.

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2570.717 - 2573.858 Narrator

Another elf, Alva, jumps atop Alfer's shoulders.

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2574.279 - 2581.082 Bernie

What? You're a Jew! Ish. I'm Jew-ish. And it was a mistake. Something about not checking his list twice...

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2581.502 - 2584.904 Narrator

The elves gasp and mutter in terror.

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2585.984 - 2590.627 Bernie

Okay, I had made some cookies and he thought they were for him. And he ate one.

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2591.147 - 2595.669 Narrator

The elves blink back at Bernie in confusion. Hiroto slides under Sotnik's legs.

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2596.29 - 2601.633 Hiroto

So, what's the big deal? Santa loves fresh-baked ooey-gooey chocolate chip cookies.

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2602.073 - 2604.694 Narrator

The elves all agree, nodding at each other and murmuring.

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2606.595 - 2609.817 Bernie

This was less ooey-gooey and more sticky-icky.

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2610.27 - 2611.671 Narrator

The elves are confused.

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2612.451 - 2623.838 Bernie

It was an edible. What? An edible. A what? An edible. You know, the chronic cannabis pot weed? A marijuana. He ate marijuana.

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2624.638 - 2626.139 Narrator

The elves take a large beat and then...

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2632.358 - 2643.681 Sotnick

Drugs? Santa can't do drugs. Any mind-altering elixir is heightened by the magic that flows through his velvety veins. Remember the buttered rum incident?

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2644.421 - 2646.262 Narrator

The elves lose their shit once again.

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2646.282 - 2653.744 Sotnick

You guys are stressing for no reason.

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2653.764 - 2658.605 Narrator

Santa may be a little... She looks over at Santa, who is doing the Tevye dance.

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2659.494 - 2683.18 Bernie

out of it. But luckily, I am an expert in babysitting stoners. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I've been delivering Christmas without a hitch. I stepped up, took the literal reins, and haven't missed one kid along the way. So we could sit here, freaking out over a little hiccup, and point fingers at whose fault this is. Yours! Or you could just let me finish saving Christmas.

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2683.96 - 2684.58 Bernie

What do you say?

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2685.34 - 2699.463 Sotnick

Saving Christmas? What are you? Some sort of little dumber boy? Christmas is ruined because of you. And now, thanks to your missing the poinsettia speech, we're running out of time to fix it. What are you talking about?

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2699.823 - 2705.644 Bernie

We have plenty of time. When the sleigh is not in flight, time slows down the night. We're not in flight.

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2706.344 - 2710.209 Narrator

Bernie trails off when she looks at her phone and sees time passing normally.

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2710.229 - 2712.612 Bernie

Why hasn't time stopped?

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2713.052 - 2728.554 Alfer

We're in a different... Oh, Jesus. We're in a different time zone. Here... Here, it's already Christmas and the magic only works on... That's top secret Santa.

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2729.254 - 2737.501 Sotnick

We don't have time to explain everything to you. Alpher, Hiroto, grab Santa and get him un-King-Winsel-slossed.

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2737.941 - 2741.924 Narrator

The two elves take off, hopping on their hands and cartwheeling to grab Santa.

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2742.485 - 2762.092 Sotnick

I already tried to sober him up. You're just wasting more time. You're the one wasting our tiny Tim time, Bernie Gold. Stop saying my full name. If you would have just gotten Santa here in the Frost Place, then he would have been right as reindeer already. When the Pacific Northwest doesn't get their presents, they can thank you.

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2762.553 - 2766.176 Narrator

As Sotnick and Bernie argue, we see Santa evade the elves via breakdance.

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2766.698 - 2771.302 Sotnick

You couldn't even save your own holiday. Why would you ever think you could save ours?

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2772.202 - 2782.83 Bernie

Oh, okay. Now I get it. What do you get? There it is. There what is. You're not letting me save Christmas because I'm Jewish and you're a prejudiced little shit.

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2783.571 - 2796.161 Sotnick

No, I'm not. You're putting words in my missile mouth. I don't care that you're a chosen one because we didn't choose you. You're on the naughty list. Because I'm a Jew? Because you drugged Santa.

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2799.743 - 2816.573 Narrator

Bernie and Sotnick are nose-to-nose. Through their profile, we see Santa suddenly freeze mid-Hava Nagila. Santa's eyes spring open. We enter as a sea of red holly berries turn beige and soften into soggy matzo balls. A menorah six candle gets lit, and Benjamin's floating head appears.

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2817.113 - 2823.397 Benjamin

Miracle six! Put some jelly in your belly, because you're about to have some sufcom yums!

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2826.246 - 2830.987 Narrator

We zoom out of Santa's eyes as he falls to the ground. The elves look at him with concern.

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2832.548 - 2835.028 Alfer

Santa, are you saint sick?

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2835.948 - 2839.829 Narrator

Santa sniffs the gingerbread cobblestone before taking a giant bite.

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2840.83 - 2844.951 Hiroto

Good grief, Santa! The ground? That's dirty!

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2845.231 - 2875.309 Narrator

The huge pile of reindeer poop proves his point. Suddenly, Santa makes a mad dash towards the shop. Santa runs into Interior Coco's Tavern Continuous. He slide dives across the counter and hits each tap's lever. He streams steaming hot chocolate into his mouth. He recovers from the burn and immediately goes for more. The elves are in shock. They talk into a walkie.

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2875.949 - 2877.61 Hiroto

We need reinforcements!

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2880.057 - 2889.904 Narrator

Exterior, town square, moments later. Harodo's call rings over the loudspeakers. All elves rush after Santa. Bernie is left alone. She calls out after them.

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2890.164 - 2904.494 Bernie

Hey, wait. Want to know what's happening to Santa? Oh, just another Hanukkah-themed weed miracle. What are those? That's not important. You don't need my help, right? You've got everything under control.

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2904.994 - 2907.376 Narrator

Bernie's phone vibrates with a text from Rami.

0
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2907.676 - 2917.616 Bernie's Relative

I have service here? We're being released in a couple of hours. Final warning to clean. I'm really hoping for once you finish something you started.

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2917.637 - 2949.936 Narrator

Couldn't agree more. This ain't over. Bernie takes off towards the sleigh. Exterior, North Pole. Time jumps. Sneaky music plays as Santa and Bernie in vignettes creep about, both trying to dodge the elves. On a roof, Santa eats gumdrop shingles, the elves' bottom. On the ground, the elves run past. Letters to Santa mailbox. With the coast clear, Bernie peeps out from the slot.

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2950.337 - 2966.932 Narrator

Her feet shoot out of the bottom as she tiptoes towards the barn, bringing the mailbox with her. In a toy shop, two elves on their work break snack on M&Ms, not noticing a white-gloved hand sneakily partaking in their snack when they grab Santa's hand instead of their treat.

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2967.152 - 2967.772 Alfer

He's in here!

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2968.604 - 2980.389 Narrator

In the town square, the elves chase Santa towards the clock tower, not seeing Bernie die rolling into the barn. Ending the vignettes, Bernie is beckoned by the shiny red sleigh. She approaches and pats the reindeer.

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2980.909 - 2982.049 Bernie

Go easy on me, guys.

0
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2982.609 - 2986.611 Narrator

Bernie climbs into the sleigh, flips off autopilot, and takes a deep breath.

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2987.836 - 2992.658 Bernie

Okay, you can do this. Same thing as before, except no magical being to protect you if you die.

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2992.838 - 3006.264 Narrator

Bernie doesn't notice Santa's approach. He's eyeing the reindeer feed and chomps a dangling carrot one bite at a time until it lands him in the sleigh bed. Dasher glares at Santa for eating his carrot. The elves continue their hunt from a distance.

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3006.704 - 3008.965 Bernie

I think he went in the barn! Here goes nothing.

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3009.446 - 3019.01 Narrator

Bernie whips the reins and the reindeer lunge forward, charging. The sleigh glides out of the barn. On the North Pole runway, the elves spot Bernie about to take off.

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3019.27 - 3020.611 Bernie

Don't let them get away!

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3020.811 - 3023.373 Narrator

Bernie turns around to find her Santa stowaway.

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3023.573 - 3023.934 Bernie

Santa?

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3024.676 - 3048.39 Narrator

He smiles up at her, teeth covered in chocolate. The elves are gaining on them, flipping, tumbling, using each other as springboards to catch up. The sleigh tips back. Sotnik jumps into the air, reaching for the rail. In slow motion, Sotnik's fingertips graze the sleigh as it takes off. The sleigh exits the magical force field of the North Pole and leaves the elves in its dust. End of episode two.

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3048.81 - 3051.292 Unidentified Voice

Great job, everyone.

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3052.892 - 3072.307 Ad Narrator

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3072.448 - 3073.989 Ad Narrator

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