Bernie
Appearances
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Did you bring chocolates? Right, the hat. Ho, ho, it's me, Santa Claus. Merry Christmas, parentless children.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
I think Santa might appear different to everyone. What Santa looks like depends on how you see him.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
¿Cómo la ves? Or how you see... No, no. That's incorrect. O como le ves. Or how you see them. That's the magic of Chanukah Christmas. Christmas. That's the magic of Christmas. It's beautiful. Yes, it is, little one. Now I got a jet. I've got more presents to deliver and a sleigh to Dee Dee. Cool? Cool.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Of course you see Coca-Cola Claus. You're basic, Bernie.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Santa, stop. It's just me. Put the cane down. That wasn't the one up your butt, right?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Well, that was surprisingly chill. Like, I friggin' nailed that on the first go. I don't know what your elves were quacking about, because I got this shit down.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
What do you say, Mel Gibson Santa? You ready to crush Christmas?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
You know, you're not supposed to be awake. One of the songs says so. Go to bed. Good night.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
What, are you just going to watch me? Jeannie Smith? I've been waiting for you all night. That's not creepy, Jeannie. Okay, well, here I am.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Yep, got it. Act surprised for your parents. Good night.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Wait! I want to exchange it. I don't think it works that way, kid. I mean, it could, but I don't know how. I don't know if we'd do receipts, but your parents probably could exchange it. They'll figure it out.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Not what I, whatever, it's fine. Jeannie, let me ask you something. Do your parents get along? No, they've been fighting a lot. Hmm, do they seem like they're happy together?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Then why do you want them to stay together? I don't want things to change. Why? Things sound like they suck here right now. Besides, divorce can be dope. It can? Yeah. Two houses, two Christmases. Sometimes they'll fight over you and try to buy your love, which can be hella fun. Maybe you'll remarry and you'll get step-siblings or half-siblings. You an only child? Yeah, I hate it.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
So the opportunities sound fruitful. Look, I know this sucks. Like, even though it has nothing to do with you, it affects you. And it's really unfair. But there's another really good thing about divorce that I didn't mention. The best part.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Your parents got a shot at being happy. You want that, right? Yeah. If they're happy, you'll be happy. Probably. I can't see the future, but I do know, just judging from what's under the tree and the weird mall photos... Bernie gestures to photos of Jeannie and her parents lying atop each other in denim. It's clear that your parents love you big time. A divorce won't change that.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Merry Christmas, Genie. It's gonna be okay. Santa, I love you.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
How do you not sweat your silver balls off south of the equator?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
That'll be fun to deal with later. Okay, Droid Santa, according to the list, we only have West Coast, Best Coast left, so since you're stuck in the Rage Miracle, I'll continue being a hero and go deliver Christmas to... The Lit Loft TikTok House's Holiday Party. Kill.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
David Grimm. You got Instabot. Gain 10 times your followers in minutes. Jesus.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Yeah, sorry I had a weekend at Bernie's, your ass, but there was no way I was getting in that sleigh.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
What the hell, dude? You were supposed to keep a lookout on the roof.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. Never thought I'd miss Hulk, Santa.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
We have to go. We still have like three states and a smidge of West Canada to deliver Christmas to. Come on, we're running out of time.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
I don't think that us mere mortals could ever get used to flying in a sleigh led by fancy moose. But at least I stopped barfing. Ha ha!
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
I actually think I'm doing pretty well considering my crippling fear of flying.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
You know, not that I pictured what it would be like to hang out with Santa, but if I did, it wouldn't have been this.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Less glow sticks, more judgment, maybe? Usually old people are kind of critical, but you're like the oldest dude in history, and not once have you tried to teach me a lesson. And this time I kind of deserved it. I mean, I full-on drugged and semi-kidnapped you.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Eve, I've got a point to prove, an Ativan to take, and no time to explain.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Hey, Frat Santa. Can you cool it? I'm trying to say thank you. It's been a minute since anyone's believed in me, and it feels really good. You trusting me to take the lead, I, um, it just means a lot, so thanks.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Good, I'm glad. They ate crazy miracles or whatever Benjamin has you going through. They really haven't been that crazy. Okay, aggro Santa was hardcore, but so far... Zing!
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
And yes, fried Santa was hard to maneuver, but honestly, he was a good listener, you know?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Ish. We prefer Jew-ish. But I think I get what's going on here. Your next miracle is to be all Barbara and sing.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Wait, what? I've been sliding down chimneys all friggin' night.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Correct. I've spent every Christmas eating Chinese food alone. The dark house on the block, that's what they used to call my home. But with you, I think I finally got my shot. Christmas needed a Jew. Who knew a Jew needed Christmas? Okay, sorry, I don't have, like, a magical we've-given song gift. I can't, like, improvise rhymes on the fly.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Okay, Papa Noel. We got through security with minor hiccups. Thank you, Dave. And now, we just need to board, take off in a man-made steel tube of circulated farts, and defy gravity without understanding how. Easy.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
The sleigh is not the only thing that's higher than a kite.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
This doesn't look like Oregon. Do they not have night during winter?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Is this a hide-and-seek miracle because I hate it? This is how I perish. Ah!
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Okay, so don't freak out. I've had it totally under control. It's actually kind of a funny story if you think about it. Hey, knock it off and get to the goody-goody gumdrops! Okay, okay. Santa came to my house.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
What? You're a Jew! Ish. I'm Jew-ish. And it was a mistake. Something about not checking his list twice...
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Okay, I had made some cookies and he thought they were for him. And he ate one.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
It was an edible. What? An edible. A what? An edible. You know, the chronic cannabis pot weed? A marijuana. He ate marijuana.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
out of it. But luckily, I am an expert in babysitting stoners. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I've been delivering Christmas without a hitch. I stepped up, took the literal reins, and haven't missed one kid along the way. So we could sit here, freaking out over a little hiccup, and point fingers at whose fault this is. Yours! Or you could just let me finish saving Christmas.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
We have plenty of time. When the sleigh is not in flight, time slows down the night. We're not in flight.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Oh, okay. Now I get it. What do you get? There it is. There what is. You're not letting me save Christmas because I'm Jewish and you're a prejudiced little shit.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Hey, wait. Want to know what's happening to Santa? Oh, just another Hanukkah-themed weed miracle. What are those? That's not important. You don't need my help, right? You've got everything under control.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Okay, you can do this. Same thing as before, except no magical being to protect you if you die.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
So go be with him. And mom. I got the house really wrong.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
I wish. My life would have been way cooler. Can I have the alcohol?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Real talk, Nicholas? I wish I was the one high right now. I know you're going through eight crazy nights in one or whatever Benjamin said, but I could really use some catatonic right now.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Uh-oh. Santa? Get me out of here! Miracle 2! Miracle 2!
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The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Santa, sit down. You are about to be tackled by patriots, and then Christmas will be really wrecked.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Oh no, please, please, he's got dementia. He doesn't mean any harm.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Gimbal, I need you to be not yourself right now, okay? This is an emergency.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Yeah, my name's short for Bernadette, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that you help me get the man you're holding to Indiana.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
He's not claiming to be Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Look, Santa, I can explain. I was just trying to help. I swear to God, please. Please don't.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
I'm going to take your hand now. Please don't dislocate my shoulder.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Whoa, whoa, whoa, big guy. You can't go in there like that.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
You will scare the shit out of the children. They're orphans. They've been through enough.