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Table Read

The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3

Sun, 22 Dec 2024

Description

Act 3: The Jew Who Saved Christmas Strap in, folks—Act 3 of The Jew Who Saved Christmas takes the chaos of Acts 1 and 2, sprinkles it with some Christmas magic, and cranks it up to “Holy latke, is this really happening?” With Santa still higher than your cousin at a Phish concert, Bernie finds herself fully in charge of the sleigh, a bag of presents, and the fate of Christmas itself. No pressure, right? From a showdown at TSA (where Bernie proves that saving Christmas sometimes means dodging tasers) to a rooftop brawl with reindeer in full meltdown mode, Bernie’s journey is a mix of slapstick comedy and heartfelt moments. There’s a rogue gingerbread elf screaming on the sleigh radio, Santa pulling Die Hard-level stunts, and Bernie dropping life advice on orphans like she’s a jaded holiday therapist. Did we mention she’s doing this all while rocking a pair of Uggs and the lingering regret of having roofied the big guy in red? But it’s not all chaos (okay, it’s mostly chaos). Bernie starts to realize that maybe—just maybe—this whole fiasco is more than a holiday disaster. Maybe it’s her chance to prove she’s not the screw-up everyone thinks she is. Or maybe it’s just a chance to survive one more sleigh ride without hurling. Either way, it’s pure comedic gold. The Cast Still Slaying It: Jeff Bergman, Selyna Warren, Jim O’Heir, Marissa Read, John Milhiser, Kiel Kennedy, Tiffany Black, Carla Delaney, Ashley Bell, and David Jacks continue to bring their A-game, balancing over-the-top laughs with just the right amount of holiday heart. ✨Act 3 of The Jew Who Saved Christmas is what happens when Elf meets Superbad at a menorah-lighting party. It’s absurd, hilarious, a little sweet, and the perfect ending to a holiday tale that’s anything but traditional. Whether you’re here for the laughs, the feels, or just to see how Bernie gets out of this mess, you won’t be disappointed.🎄🔥Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Audio
Transcription

Chapter 1: What happens after Santa's wild ride?

374.536 - 397.409 Bernie

She sees a little kid's drawing left for Santa. Bernie hands it to him. It's just too damn wholesome. He erupts into tears. Bernie heavy sighs. Interior, British Columbia Farmhouse, later. When Bernie finishes checking the list twice, she discovers Santa isn't there.

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397.97 - 398.39 Character Name (Unknown)

Santa?

0

399.271 - 410.017 Bernie

She creeps up the stairs and finds Santa in a child's bedroom. The kid is asleep, cuddled up with their golden retriever. Santa looks from the Hallmark card moment over to Bernie.

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410.358 - 411.138 Character Name (Unknown)

Don't. No!

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415.518 - 426.007 Bernie

You just couldn't keep it together, could you? No.

426.768 - 430.712 Character Name (Unknown)

Well, luckily, we only have Alaska left, and they'll probably mistake your whaling for a wolf.

431.172 - 432.413 Bernie

Bernie's stomach growls.

433.134 - 438.638 Character Name (Unknown)

Good thing Alaska's small. I'm starving. Did Munchie Santa clean house, or are there any snacks left?

438.958 - 448.006 Santa Claus

Oh, great. So your body's shaming me, too? Everyone talks about my big, round belly like it doesn't hurt.

Chapter 2: How does Bernie evade Santa's helpers?

598.288 - 609.939 Santa Claus

Now, imagine that in a kiddo's bedroom. I've woken them up from a deep slumber. I allow them to post it on Instagram. They're the flyest kid in class thanks to me.

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610.967 - 623.131 Character Name (Unknown)

Okay, so, just to get this straight, you want to sneak into a minor's private bedroom, startle them awake with meat magic, and then have them post it without parental consent, documenting the evidence of everything I just stated?

0

623.591 - 625.271 Bernie

Santa nods enthusiastically.

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625.971 - 627.592 Character Name (Unknown)

We're gonna get arrested. Again.

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628.348 - 634.191 Bernie

Santa gets distracted by his reflection in the side mirrors. He likes what he sees. Bernie grabs the list.

634.491 - 635.672 Character Name (Unknown)

What did these kids ask for?

635.912 - 641.514 Bernie

Bernie swipes. The list looks like a maze mess with delivery error messages flashing over multiple names.

642.135 - 648.162 Character Name (Unknown)

Oh my god. I gave the nice kids gifts to the naughty kids. How do we get more gifts?

648.683 - 651.526 Bernie

Wrap this. Santa blows her a kiss.

Chapter 3: What does Bernie learn about the naughty list?

1818.289 - 1823.013 Character Name (Unknown)

You might want to add a safety feature so it's harder to turn off the autopilot. Just a suggestion.

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1823.812 - 1845.838 Bernie

At the manger spa, Santa is observed by elves. They watch from behind glass as maple syrup is administered through a long IV tube into Santa's veins. They hold their breath, but Santa remains unconscious. At the toy warehouse, the elves work over a conveyor belt. They're assembling LOL dolls one by one. Bernie grabs one of the dolls and submerges it into water.

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1846.358 - 1868.006 Bernie

The once new doll now appears to be wearing lingerie. Bernie looks over at an elf with judgment, and he gives her a pervy smile. At the manger spa, Bernie checks in on Santa, who is now in a room covered in mistletoe. One by one, each elf kisses Santa on the lips and waits for him to awaken. Bernie leans over to one of the elves.

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1868.406 - 1874.449 Character Name (Unknown)

How is this sobering him up? True love's kiss. Mrs. Claus didn't do the trick.

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1875.309 - 1890.181 Bernie

Bernie sighs at the madness. At the toy warehouse, Bernie takes inventory. They're short gifts. An elf leads Bernie to a vault stocked with wall-to-wall electronics. They have all the big boy toys. Bernie looks to the elf, impressed.

1890.881 - 1894.385 Vixen

We used to make them ourselves, but now we outsource!

1895.106 - 1896.768 Character Name (Unknown)

Apple really is everywhere.

1916.337 - 1916.317 Agent Gimble

200,001, 200,002!

1917.058 - 1919.02 Sotnick

Alaska is ready to be delivered!

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