Santa Claus
Appearances
Global News Podcast
Syria's de facto leader says the country is not a threat to its neighbours or the west
So you get presents from people? Oh, I do. I do sometimes. People are so thoughtful and so nice. My absolute favorite thing to get as a present is something that a child has made on their own. I love people, and I'm very lucky. The world comes to visit me, and I'm very happy that people trust me enough to let me see them a little bit.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Well, let's just say Santa got higher than the North Pole. As I was thrust into the first of eight Jewish-themed stoner miracles, Bernie had no choice but to step up and become my designated driver, or be forever known as the Jew who ruined Christmas.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Bernie! You lit? You having fun? You're charged? Let's go!
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Vibe check. Oh, you seem stressed. Oh, oh, oh, I know what you need.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Time? Bernadoodle, I'm Father Time. Check your watch.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
When the sleigh's not in flight, time slows down the night. Stop!
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're still not used to it.
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The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Oh, you're a sick double D, Bernie, and I'm having a great time.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
I thought we were talking bra size. You're a sick DD birdie and I'm having a great time.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Wait. Are you talking about me? I've roasted all the chestnuts, killed all the Christmas geese. But it's been so monotonous, delivering world peace. Suddenly threw your eyes a brand new view. Who knew Christmas needed a Jew?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
I've whistled all the carols that could ever have been sung. Chimneys I've been sliding down have given me black lung.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Look, I no longer have the soot flu. Who knew Christmas needed a Jew?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
We fit together perfectly, this Hebrew and this goy. You lit up my yuletide log and it's burning bright.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
A holly jolly mitzvah, yes, it's true. Who knew Christmas
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Christmas? Is Christmas today? Is today Christmas? Oh, I have so much to do.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Ma'am, do not get involved or you'll be in violation too. I will take you both down.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Oh. Kevin Garrity. Nice list since 1986. Monofilament toupee. Number one on your Christmas list. Let me out. Uh, I didn't ask for that. Take it.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
You bet your ass it's an emergency. You just committed a Title 49 felony. You're toast, Bernice.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Why is it that a woman who's never used her airline's benefits suddenly, on Christmas Eve, wants to travel to Fort Wayne, Indiana with a man claiming... To be Santa Claus.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Oh, did you eat one of Bernie's special cookies and forget what happened in the first episode? Well, Santa doesn't blame you. I wasn't all there that night either. Our story began at O'Hare Airport, where we met Bernie Gold, a Spirit Airlines liaison with no Christmas spirit, and not just because she's Jewish.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Santa is not real. Okay? He's not. Christmas is about Christ, not some mythical pervert pulling peonies once a year. No respectable adult lets their kid believe and believe and believe. And then they're in college and they still believe. And then infantiles... Infantilizes. Thank you, yes. God damn it, I knew that.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
And then they're in college and they still believe and it infantilizes and emasculates them till there's nothing left.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Well, I don't make nice sweaters cause I'm not a sheep. And I won't be fooled twice. Now you're gonna go and tell me the truth or I'm gonna make you wish the yarn you're spinning is long enough to hang yourself with.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
Bite the bullshit, Bernie, because I'm not saying this again. Santa is not real!
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The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
We've got a 32 PC. We're gonna need backup. Officer down!
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, and Donner, and Blitzen!
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2
After ruining her family's Hanukkah party, Bernie tries to down her sorrows by whipping up Santa's all-time favorite, chocolate chip cookies. Only Bernie added a naughty ingredient, a rare strain of kosher cannabis. And when I accidentally landed at the wrong house, Bernie's house, well, I thought those cookies were a gift for old Saint Nick.