McKenzie Goodwin
đŸ‘¤ PersonPodcast Appearances
We're going to be in the UK. We have London, Brighton and Cardiff. And then we have a spring tour coming, which is all very exciting. We know we have not released the dates yet.
We're going to be in the UK. We have London, Brighton and Cardiff. And then we have a spring tour coming, which is all very exciting. We know we have not released the dates yet.
Yeah. It looks good.
Yeah. It looks good.
And we're talking about Crushing It.
And we're talking about Crushing It.
Just for everyone listening, this is a new Netflix special, and it's unreal. Yes. Oh, thank you.
Just for everyone listening, this is a new Netflix special, and it's unreal. Yes. Oh, thank you.
Unless we're edging them. Unless you see it on our Instagram. Then we have. We do already have Boston, Portland, Seattle. Yes. Booked. And those will sell out. Those will sell out. And we're in theaters.
Unless we're edging them. Unless you see it on our Instagram. Then we have. We do already have Boston, Portland, Seattle. Yes. Booked. And those will sell out. Those will sell out. And we're in theaters.
It meranged it. I'm thinking of a pie.
It meranged it. I'm thinking of a pie.
And I am hungry.
And I am hungry.
We're in theaters. And we have a bunch of other cities coming up. So stay tuned.
We're in theaters. And we have a bunch of other cities coming up. So stay tuned.
I am giving valet deeply.
I am giving valet deeply.
But when you knew, it's magical.
But when you knew, it's magical.
I want to bring up crushing because crushing it because you started it talking about how you got married in 2020. Yep. And we all have that in common in the sense of we both just got married within the last two years. Congratulations.
I want to bring up crushing because crushing it because you started it talking about how you got married in 2020. Yep. And we all have that in common in the sense of we both just got married within the last two years. Congratulations.
Well, the henna was beautiful.
Well, the henna was beautiful.
There is something mask about that.
There is something mask about that.
about having tattoos on the hands.
about having tattoos on the hands.
Does your wife have any tattoos?
Does your wife have any tattoos?
So you're bold. Yeah, we're virgins.
So you're bold. Yeah, we're virgins.
How many tattoos do you have?
How many tattoos do you have?
I think it was of some kind of demon. It's like something arising.
I think it was of some kind of demon. It's like something arising.
And you have tattoos? No, I just have the one. I literally have one and I was like, that's it. I'm too scared.
And you have tattoos? No, I just have the one. I literally have one and I was like, that's it. I'm too scared.
A little nothing.
A little nothing.
My lips.
My lips.
Like eight years now. And how did you meet? We met at an open mic.
Like eight years now. And how did you meet? We met at an open mic.
I do find that to be the same as sex with straight, straight sex. I think that there's a lot of lore. There's a lot of like, you're going to want to do this. Do you know what I'm thinking of?
I do find that to be the same as sex with straight, straight sex. I think that there's a lot of lore. There's a lot of like, you're going to want to do this. Do you know what I'm thinking of?
Not married. Aw. But wish we were.
Not married. Aw. But wish we were.
Life partners in a different way. For sure. How has married life been?
Life partners in a different way. For sure. How has married life been?
If you could rank the holidays, where would New Year's Eve land for you?
If you could rank the holidays, where would New Year's Eve land for you?
Yeah. It's nice to travel with Ray because we have also, I'm sure you do meet and greets after the shows. We have such insane things that happen to us backstage and after the show. I'm wondering, do you have any crazy stories about people coming up and meeting you and like saying something out of pocket or crying?
Yeah. It's nice to travel with Ray because we have also, I'm sure you do meet and greets after the shows. We have such insane things that happen to us backstage and after the show. I'm wondering, do you have any crazy stories about people coming up and meeting you and like saying something out of pocket or crying?
Did they have to pay for meet and greet?
Did they have to pay for meet and greet?
And people, they attach to it. We've had a lot of women show us their breasts.
And people, they attach to it. We've had a lot of women show us their breasts.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because you're not New Year's Evening with your parents.
Because you're not New Year's Evening with your parents.
Did you do close-up magic?
Did you do close-up magic?
You end, and then you're like, all right.
You end, and then you're like, all right.
I love it.
I love it.
I mean, like, that's unreal to go from a cafeteria 12-person show to three Netflix specials in doing... It's just a lot of work.
I mean, like, that's unreal to go from a cafeteria 12-person show to three Netflix specials in doing... It's just a lot of work.
Yeah. Especially if you're gay and you're a woman.
Yeah. Especially if you're gay and you're a woman.
Absolutely. Do what you gotta do.
Absolutely. Do what you gotta do.
And go watch Crushing It. Please.
And go watch Crushing It. Please.
It's a lot of kiss-based, but it's also a lot of annoying noises. And I don't like a loud noise. And I do. I'm going to want a holiday that's quiet. Okay? I love Easter. The quietest of all the holidays. Oh, isn't it so quiet? It's so quiet. It's giving brunch. It's giving church. And pastels. It's giving... He is risen.
It's a lot of kiss-based, but it's also a lot of annoying noises. And I don't like a loud noise. And I do. I'm going to want a holiday that's quiet. Okay? I love Easter. The quietest of all the holidays. Oh, isn't it so quiet? It's so quiet. It's giving brunch. It's giving church. And pastels. It's giving... He is risen.
Yeah, it just varies through person to person. But I feel like that's also where a lot of your comedy comes from, is this journey that you took. Maybe it wouldn't have been as funny if you came out at 18. I had to develop a personality. Gross. Gross.
Yeah, it just varies through person to person. But I feel like that's also where a lot of your comedy comes from, is this journey that you took. Maybe it wouldn't have been as funny if you came out at 18. I had to develop a personality. Gross. Gross.
Was there like a moment when you watched something on television or in media that you were like, oh, this is I am gay?
Was there like a moment when you watched something on television or in media that you were like, oh, this is I am gay?
And I don't think we're talking about that enough. No. America. So what are you doing on New Year's Eve? And do you have any goals for 2025?
And I don't think we're talking about that enough. No. America. So what are you doing on New Year's Eve? And do you have any goals for 2025?
It's not about the sexuality. It's not about like them having sex. It's them being gay and having a friendship, which is so beautiful and sweet.
It's not about the sexuality. It's not about like them having sex. It's them being gay and having a friendship, which is so beautiful and sweet.
That was so funny. And it kept going on and on. Oh, my God.
That was so funny. And it kept going on and on. Oh, my God.
Of course.
Of course.
She is not, there's no gray area. I love that. Same with your wife. Me and my wife are both, there's no gray.
She is not, there's no gray area. I love that. Same with your wife. Me and my wife are both, there's no gray.
But she does, she is terrifying.
But she does, she is terrifying.
Because everyone is going to do that out here. Everyone's going to say, oh, God, you were so good.
Because everyone is going to do that out here. Everyone's going to say, oh, God, you were so good.
Oh, you got to get that smooch. Right. You got to lock down your smooch back in October. Yes. Yeah.
Oh, you got to get that smooch. Right. You got to lock down your smooch back in October. Yes. Yeah.
That's why we, I think, are a good team.
That's why we, I think, are a good team.
Married couple. Which we are. I'm deep into boundaries. And I feel like I'm trying to teach Rachel boundaries.
Married couple. Which we are. I'm deep into boundaries. And I feel like I'm trying to teach Rachel boundaries.
Wait till next year. Wait till next year.
Wait till next year. Wait till next year.
Okay, Fortune, this is our New Year's Eve episode. So this comes out on New Year's Eve. Love it. And we wanted to do a 2024 wrap-up with you of five of the gayest things that happened this year in 2024.
Okay, Fortune, this is our New Year's Eve episode. So this comes out on New Year's Eve. Love it. And we wanted to do a 2024 wrap-up with you of five of the gayest things that happened this year in 2024.
We picked some that are in culture.
We picked some that are in culture.
And then we have an honorable mentions. If you have some that you'd like to share personally, like super gay shit that happened this year. All right. Please. Absolutely. We'll take whatever you have. First one up. One of the gayest things that happened was the movie Challengers.
And then we have an honorable mentions. If you have some that you'd like to share personally, like super gay shit that happened this year. All right. Please. Absolutely. We'll take whatever you have. First one up. One of the gayest things that happened was the movie Challengers.
Yeah. So maybe that's why you like it so much. Yeah. I mean, you, it's too loud. I just think the branding, I think the branding is very hetero and I don't. I love champagne glasses. I mean, but it all surrounds a ball dropping. Somebody call Sabrina. Now, if we changed it to a breast dropping. Which it feels like it. Then maybe I'd be more interested.
Yeah. So maybe that's why you like it so much. Yeah. I mean, you, it's too loud. I just think the branding, I think the branding is very hetero and I don't. I love champagne glasses. I mean, but it all surrounds a ball dropping. Somebody call Sabrina. Now, if we changed it to a breast dropping. Which it feels like it. Then maybe I'd be more interested.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It should have opened on that three-way.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It should have opened on that three-way.
And they should have gone a little further. Yeah, we didn't get enough.
And they should have gone a little further. Yeah, we didn't get enough.
Movies. I always want more full frontal and graphic sex scenes. Wow. Okay. And that was kind of what we talked about recently is I thought there should have been a graphic sex scene in Wicked. Yes. Well, that would change things.
Movies. I always want more full frontal and graphic sex scenes. Wow. Okay. And that was kind of what we talked about recently is I thought there should have been a graphic sex scene in Wicked. Yes. Well, that would change things.
But to be honest, also want that. I know. Yeah. So I'm begging for more graphic nudity NR.
But to be honest, also want that. I know. Yeah. So I'm begging for more graphic nudity NR.
But a girl can dream.
But a girl can dream.
Where are you finding it? Shoot me the link.
Where are you finding it? Shoot me the link.
Yes, I did see that because my wife made me. There you go.
Yes, I did see that because my wife made me. There you go.
It felt like we were turning a corner. Now we need it. Actually, we really need it.
It felt like we were turning a corner. Now we need it. Actually, we really need it.
Wicked part two better have full green puss. If I don't see green posts, I'm rioting. Ken!
Wicked part two better have full green puss. If I don't see green posts, I'm rioting. Ken!
I don't love how phallic and just it's giving. It's also a little Ryan Seacrest. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, it's a lot of Anderson Cooper. But that feels nice.
I don't love how phallic and just it's giving. It's also a little Ryan Seacrest. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, it's a lot of Anderson Cooper. But that feels nice.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And I might lose my thong tonight. Okay.
And I might lose my thong tonight. Okay.
Yeah, the dance was good. It was unbelievably gay. I mean, I think there was a song that Billie Eilish hopped on, and it was the week that Billie Eilish came out.
Yeah, the dance was good. It was unbelievably gay. I mean, I think there was a song that Billie Eilish hopped on, and it was the week that Billie Eilish came out.
Yeah, it was a big, they were on a pile of ponties. Yeah, and they sing about gay stuff.
Yeah, it was a big, they were on a pile of ponties. Yeah, and they sing about gay stuff.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm gay. Yeah. It was great.
I'm gay. Yeah. It was great.
Gayer than Anderson Cooper? Yeah. That man is a gay man passing it straight. Wow. Sorry, Anderson. Whoa.
Gayer than Anderson Cooper? Yeah. That man is a gay man passing it straight. Wow. Sorry, Anderson. Whoa.
There's a picture where she had short hair and she does look like... Oh, a lesbian vibe? Big time. Okay.
There's a picture where she had short hair and she does look like... Oh, a lesbian vibe? Big time. Okay.
Very hot.
Very hot.
So this went viral. Everyone was like, okay, we see what's going on.
So this went viral. Everyone was like, okay, we see what's going on.
It does look like what you have now.
It does look like what you have now.
I'm sure. Yeah. So, hello. That was a huge, huge gay moment. We also have, I don't know if you saw, the Paris Olympics opening ceremony. Love.
I'm sure. Yeah. So, hello. That was a huge, huge gay moment. We also have, I don't know if you saw, the Paris Olympics opening ceremony. Love.
Did you watch the opening ceremony when there was kind of Cirque du Soleil for about seven hours? It was a seven hour long opening ceremony.
Did you watch the opening ceremony when there was kind of Cirque du Soleil for about seven hours? It was a seven hour long opening ceremony.
And they were holding a head of Marie Antoinette at one point, which worked.
And they were holding a head of Marie Antoinette at one point, which worked.
I mean, women's basketball.
I mean, women's basketball.
And not even they also had a new one where it was half court and you just had to shoot. So there was almost no it was like a contact. Yeah, it was like I think three on three and it was a half court. Oh, which rocked. Yes. Less running, more touching. A lot more touching.
And not even they also had a new one where it was half court and you just had to shoot. So there was almost no it was like a contact. Yeah, it was like I think three on three and it was a half court. Oh, which rocked. Yes. Less running, more touching. A lot more touching.
And then we also had Celine Dion on the Eiffel Tower, which to me is unbelievably queer. If only we had more full frontal.
And then we also had Celine Dion on the Eiffel Tower, which to me is unbelievably queer. If only we had more full frontal.
So was Mackenzie. Huge Celine head. Did you watch the movie? Of course. Did you guys cry super hard about it?
So was Mackenzie. Huge Celine head. Did you watch the movie? Of course. Did you guys cry super hard about it?
Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin.
Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin.
I've seen her perform so many times.
I've seen her perform so many times.
There's rumors she's on her way back. Yeah. I'm going to be there for her. Good.
There's rumors she's on her way back. Yeah. I'm going to be there for her. Good.
That was deeply queer. That was huge. Two powerhouses like that just touching. Yeah, feels good to see. I feel like two women also.
That was deeply queer. That was huge. Two powerhouses like that just touching. Yeah, feels good to see. I feel like two women also.
I could have used like one kiss on the cheek.
I could have used like one kiss on the cheek.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Nearly crying.
Nearly crying.
It's deep. Okay. The number one gayest thing of 2024. We have the Wicked Press Tour.
It's deep. Okay. The number one gayest thing of 2024. We have the Wicked Press Tour.
I've known her for years. Yeah.
I've known her for years. Yeah.
So she's in on it now, too. They all booze up from it. I love it. I feel like that's us in interviews a lot, or whenever we do something together and something will happen and we have no idea what the fuck's happening, so we'll go... Yeah. Yes. You grab each other to be like, do you know what the fuck is happening right now?
So she's in on it now, too. They all booze up from it. I love it. I feel like that's us in interviews a lot, or whenever we do something together and something will happen and we have no idea what the fuck's happening, so we'll go... Yeah. Yes. You grab each other to be like, do you know what the fuck is happening right now?
Bald. Bald. Bald. I have a question for you, and this is a serious question. What? Who would be your ideal duo? And you can pick anyone across time and space. Ideal duo to be the one ringing in the new year instead of like... Instead of Ryan and Kathy Griffin.
Bald. Bald. Bald. I have a question for you, and this is a serious question. What? Who would be your ideal duo? And you can pick anyone across time and space. Ideal duo to be the one ringing in the new year instead of like... Instead of Ryan and Kathy Griffin.
Was it the lyrics of Defying Gravity? No. holding space for the lyrics.
Was it the lyrics of Defying Gravity? No. holding space for the lyrics.
Do you ever feel that way in interviews where you're like, what the fuck is happening? And you're fighting for your life.
Do you ever feel that way in interviews where you're like, what the fuck is happening? And you're fighting for your life.
I'm obsessed. I cannot wait for next year Thanksgiving time when this happens again.
I'm obsessed. I cannot wait for next year Thanksgiving time when this happens again.
I want them to get smaller and smaller. I want them to both show up with miniature hats.
I want them to get smaller and smaller. I want them to both show up with miniature hats.
It was so good. We were living for it. It looks like you're on the press tour right now.
It was so good. We were living for it. It looks like you're on the press tour right now.
Fortune, do you have any honorable mentions of gay things that happened to you this year?
Fortune, do you have any honorable mentions of gay things that happened to you this year?
Yeah, to send a large sausage to somebody and say... Will you lady in the tramp as a verb this with me?
Yeah, to send a large sausage to somebody and say... Will you lady in the tramp as a verb this with me?
I'm very hungry.
I'm very hungry.
If they could do that at Dodger Stadium. The Dodger dog is now a Lady and the Tramp style.
If they could do that at Dodger Stadium. The Dodger dog is now a Lady and the Tramp style.
I would also just say that both of them will be drunk. And I want, like, they'll be blackout drunk.
I would also just say that both of them will be drunk. And I want, like, they'll be blackout drunk.
So pick two people that you're like, I want them to, I want to see them both blackout drunk on live television ringing in the new year.
So pick two people that you're like, I want them to, I want to see them both blackout drunk on live television ringing in the new year.
Same.
Same.
I have a similar of I just want to make sure me and my wife are taking time and being very intentional about going on a vacation or having a night away just so we feel like that, you know, love is still there, even though we get busy a lot. We tour a lot. So I want to be like, I'm making time to be all about you. Yeah. You know, yeah, very similar, actually. That's hot. What about you, Rae?
I have a similar of I just want to make sure me and my wife are taking time and being very intentional about going on a vacation or having a night away just so we feel like that, you know, love is still there, even though we get busy a lot. We tour a lot. So I want to be like, I'm making time to be all about you. Yeah. You know, yeah, very similar, actually. That's hot. What about you, Rae?
I do believe Cara is sober. Oh, for sure.
I do believe Cara is sober. Oh, for sure.
I do like those two together.
I do like those two together.
We are. This is a big, this is the day before 2025. Oh my God. Huge. This is our New Year's Eve episode. And boy, do we have a treat for you. We have an amazing guest today.
We are. This is a big, this is the day before 2025. Oh my God. Huge. This is our New Year's Eve episode. And boy, do we have a treat for you. We have an amazing guest today.
I don't even think she needs to be drunk.
I don't even think she needs to be drunk.
I'd love national secrets being spilled. Yeah. So if we can get, like, Condoleezza Rice. Wait, Condoleezza Rice chaperone.
I'd love national secrets being spilled. Yeah. So if we can get, like, Condoleezza Rice. Wait, Condoleezza Rice chaperone.
We fixed it.
We fixed it.
It's not much.
It's not much.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want somebody spilling national secrets and somebody spilling Hollywood secrets.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want somebody spilling national secrets and somebody spilling Hollywood secrets.
Yes. I'm here for it. You know what I mean? I hope we see this in the next two to three years.
Yes. I'm here for it. You know what I mean? I hope we see this in the next two to three years.
I think it's going to be for better. I think, I hope it's going to be for better. And that's my 2025 goal. Good. That's what I want. Is to, I want all queer people, and I said it like a couple weeks ago, but I do think walk up to a man and spit on him.
I think it's going to be for better. I think, I hope it's going to be for better. And that's my 2025 goal. Good. That's what I want. Is to, I want all queer people, and I said it like a couple weeks ago, but I do think walk up to a man and spit on him.
I think have that energy coming into 2025 of being, you know, if you're going to do this to me, I'm going to do so much worse to you.
I think have that energy coming into 2025 of being, you know, if you're going to do this to me, I'm going to do so much worse to you.
My dream is that queer people start doing that old trick where you put dog shit or human shit in a bag and light it on fire. Don't say or human shit.
My dream is that queer people start doing that old trick where you put dog shit or human shit in a bag and light it on fire. Don't say or human shit.
Yeah. Just to every Republican senator. Yeah. Anybody who's really out there doing harmful things to the queer community. Yeah. Leave a bag of flaming shit on their front door.
Yeah. Just to every Republican senator. Yeah. Anybody who's really out there doing harmful things to the queer community. Yeah. Leave a bag of flaming shit on their front door.
Go so much lower.
Go so much lower.
Yeah. We had to leave once from a podcast to go get you fitted in your wedding suit.
Yeah. We had to leave once from a podcast to go get you fitted in your wedding suit.
Cry laughing. When people ask you what dress you'd be, I mean, you in a white wedding dress is insane to me. But there are some lesbians who take that swing.
Cry laughing. When people ask you what dress you'd be, I mean, you in a white wedding dress is insane to me. But there are some lesbians who take that swing.
Well, that thing went away.
Well, that thing went away.
That suit looked so good on you though.
That suit looked so good on you though.
You were more intentional about it this time.
You were more intentional about it this time.
Holy shit. So I was like. Did you buy a boat that you got to pay off? What are you doing? What's happening?
Holy shit. So I was like. Did you buy a boat that you got to pay off? What are you doing? What's happening?
If we aren't one being. It's my fight or flight. It's like coming out in such crazy ways. Yeah. I grew a tail.
If we aren't one being. It's my fight or flight. It's like coming out in such crazy ways. Yeah. I grew a tail.
It's very similar.
It's very similar.
Yeah. E and I were talking about that because we started dating during the pandemic. And it's very similar. We are stuck in our house. We are masked up. It's a very stressful time. There's a threat to your life. It's very similar.
Yeah. E and I were talking about that because we started dating during the pandemic. And it's very similar. We are stuck in our house. We are masked up. It's a very stressful time. There's a threat to your life. It's very similar.
Yeah. Like if we're in an airplane, put the mask on yourself first and then help others.
Yeah. Like if we're in an airplane, put the mask on yourself first and then help others.
Let's get into some gay news news. Dude, I feel bad for Dennis Quaid. It's the first time I'll ever feel bad for a straight white man. Especially Dennis Quaid. Isn't he the one that came out and was like unbelievable? He's a Trump supporter. Speaking of Trump supporter, we do want to get into Carrie Underwood.
Let's get into some gay news news. Dude, I feel bad for Dennis Quaid. It's the first time I'll ever feel bad for a straight white man. Especially Dennis Quaid. Isn't he the one that came out and was like unbelievable? He's a Trump supporter. Speaking of Trump supporter, we do want to get into Carrie Underwood.
So it was announced this week, perfect timing during the wildfires, that Carrie Underwood would be singing at the inauguration of President Dump.
So it was announced this week, perfect timing during the wildfires, that Carrie Underwood would be singing at the inauguration of President Dump.
Regarding Carrie. Here's the thing. And this is when I first knew she was a bitch. Back, it was years ago. And I used to work all those award shows. I was working the Country Music Awards. And she made a lot of our lives a living hell that year. Because she was coming in and it was the Country Music Awards in Vegas. And she was like, no one can see me. She didn't want anyone seeing her.
Regarding Carrie. Here's the thing. And this is when I first knew she was a bitch. Back, it was years ago. And I used to work all those award shows. I was working the Country Music Awards. And she made a lot of our lives a living hell that year. Because she was coming in and it was the Country Music Awards in Vegas. And she was like, no one can see me. She didn't want anyone seeing her.
She was like, you're not going to see my face because... I had a terrible accident and she took all this time off and was like, next time you see me, I'll be unrecognizable. And all of us were obviously very good about it. We were like, let, you know, give her her privacy. Right. Rehearsals are closed. Do not look at her. Whatever. I thought, She's going to be like disfigured. Right.
She was like, you're not going to see my face because... I had a terrible accident and she took all this time off and was like, next time you see me, I'll be unrecognizable. And all of us were obviously very good about it. We were like, let, you know, give her her privacy. Right. Rehearsals are closed. Do not look at her. Whatever. I thought, She's going to be like disfigured. Right.
And I don't know if you've seen her now. She looks the exact same. Nothing happened. So she was making all of our lives a living hell for literally no reason. That's when I first knew that she was not up. Something's amiss.
And I don't know if you've seen her now. She looks the exact same. Nothing happened. So she was making all of our lives a living hell for literally no reason. That's when I first knew that she was not up. Something's amiss.
I think one and they can be very similar. Right. I think that she I guess she was very anti-vax, very anti-mask during COVID as well. So she's kind of been on this type of this type of grind. Yeah.
I think one and they can be very similar. Right. I think that she I guess she was very anti-vax, very anti-mask during COVID as well. So she's kind of been on this type of this type of grind. Yeah.
We should have known. If you're singing for the NFL, you're probably.
We should have known. If you're singing for the NFL, you're probably.
That crosses all types of lines.
That crosses all types of lines.
no i i think it's right in my range unfortunately yeah before he cheeses right in my range here's the thing it's a great song yeah don't give a shit i know i'm over i'm over it i hope tons of people stop listening to her me too although she has like one song let's be real she's got one song if you're looking to replace carrie underwood kelly clarkson all day she doesn't need to be replaced okay but i lift it up it's the shirt but i've cut the holes out
no i i think it's right in my range unfortunately yeah before he cheeses right in my range here's the thing it's a great song yeah don't give a shit i know i'm over i'm over it i hope tons of people stop listening to her me too although she has like one song let's be real she's got one song if you're looking to replace carrie underwood kelly clarkson all day she doesn't need to be replaced okay but i lift it up it's the shirt but i've cut the holes out
Okay. What are some of the things that you're leaving? And then I would like to just do it now because the moon is still technically new. Is she still new? She's still new. It was last night. Okay. Okay. You have a 24-hour grace period, especially if you're gay. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the moon is up there, and she's like, I'll give you some grace, especially during the fires. Yeah.
Okay. What are some of the things that you're leaving? And then I would like to just do it now because the moon is still technically new. Is she still new? She's still new. It was last night. Okay. Okay. You have a 24-hour grace period, especially if you're gay. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the moon is up there, and she's like, I'll give you some grace, especially during the fires. Yeah.
They're hanging out.
They're hanging out.
covered in ash no sorry what do you think about the village people also being his I mean what a wait what so it's Carrie Underwood and the village people are openly gay YMCA band I don't think that they're openly queer I don't think they are village people their song is gay the queer community has taken that song and it's like that's a gay song that they were gay if they are they're out I didn't think they were
covered in ash no sorry what do you think about the village people also being his I mean what a wait what so it's Carrie Underwood and the village people are openly gay YMCA band I don't think that they're openly queer I don't think they are village people their song is gay the queer community has taken that song and it's like that's a gay song that they were gay if they are they're out I didn't think they were
I'm upset. They're going to be at the Inagi. Leah, could you fact check us and pop it up?
I'm upset. They're going to be at the Inagi. Leah, could you fact check us and pop it up?
That's going to be a stinker of a show.
That's going to be a stinker of a show.
I don't know if they know that. I'm upset. I don't know if Trump supporters know that. The village people? The village people. I know. Listen, I know. My eye. I know. Trust me. Okay. In other gay news, I don't know if you saw this, but Zoe Saldana was recently doing, you know, a little bit of press for Amelia Perez. Of course. and said, in a quote, women just kiss better.
I don't know if they know that. I'm upset. I don't know if Trump supporters know that. The village people? The village people. I know. Listen, I know. My eye. I know. Trust me. Okay. In other gay news, I don't know if you saw this, but Zoe Saldana was recently doing, you know, a little bit of press for Amelia Perez. Of course. and said, in a quote, women just kiss better.
Women are better kissers. I did see this. It was all over the internet. Yeah. This is very fun. And do you disagree? Why do you disagree? I'm somebody who... You know what's fun? Leah, cut Rachel's... Come straight in to me, like, mugshot style. And it says like, loves kissing men. Cut Rachel's portion out to be like, I do love kissing men.
Women are better kissers. I did see this. It was all over the internet. Yeah. This is very fun. And do you disagree? Why do you disagree? I'm somebody who... You know what's fun? Leah, cut Rachel's... Come straight in to me, like, mugshot style. And it says like, loves kissing men. Cut Rachel's portion out to be like, I do love kissing men.
cool just so my i feel like my eye's gonna pop out of its socket me too i don't feel well okay you first kissed a boy my first kiss was a boy what was his name matt is that okay to say why not i don't know do you think he's gonna come for you lawyer up bitch you know this is what so let me paint you a picture okay how old was he i don't know what do you mean no we were both in third grade okay
cool just so my i feel like my eye's gonna pop out of its socket me too i don't feel well okay you first kissed a boy my first kiss was a boy what was his name matt is that okay to say why not i don't know do you think he's gonna come for you lawyer up bitch you know this is what so let me paint you a picture okay how old was he i don't know what do you mean no we were both in third grade okay
To her. You said they're just historically better kissers.
To her. You said they're just historically better kissers.
You know what's crazy? Mm-hmm. I was way older. Well, I was such a... I think anybody listening to this podcast, watching us for any amount of time, could tell that you were an early bloomer and I was a late bloomer.
You know what's crazy? Mm-hmm. I was way older. Well, I was such a... I think anybody listening to this podcast, watching us for any amount of time, could tell that you were an early bloomer and I was a late bloomer.
That's not the time for that. Please. I'm never going to light a fire again.
That's not the time for that. Please. I'm never going to light a fire again.
You've said that in your stand-up, you've been like, I was a late bloomer. I didn't first hook up with a girl until, like, what?
You've said that in your stand-up, you've been like, I was a late bloomer. I didn't first hook up with a girl until, like, what?
Why are we not playing this as adults? Play this in the workplace. Okay. Okay. Spotify. Spotify. Sabrina. So we would play Zap.
Why are we not playing this as adults? Play this in the workplace. Okay. Okay. Spotify. Spotify. Sabrina. So we would play Zap.
I'm not lighting candles, which is honestly my goal. You know that I have a there's a massive candle that I spent so much money on. Yeah. Five to six dollars. It's huge. It's in the center of my table. I did not want to burn. I love that candle. And Erica, without my permission. Yeah. Burned the candle. Burn did it.
I'm not lighting candles, which is honestly my goal. You know that I have a there's a massive candle that I spent so much money on. Yeah. Five to six dollars. It's huge. It's in the center of my table. I did not want to burn. I love that candle. And Erica, without my permission. Yeah. Burned the candle. Burn did it.
Tons of lipstick.
Tons of lipstick.
yeah it's just oh anyways in other gay news uh traders season three is out and this is on you better believe it peacock can i say unprompted i fucking love peacock okay we are not sponsored by peacock where nothing of us is but peacock here's the thing did you go pro i went pro okay i went pro because we talked about it and here's the thing so i deeply went into as we've been talking about i went deep into the housewives i've been housewifing it up but then traders came on
yeah it's just oh anyways in other gay news uh traders season three is out and this is on you better believe it peacock can i say unprompted i fucking love peacock okay we are not sponsored by peacock where nothing of us is but peacock here's the thing did you go pro i went pro okay i went pro because we talked about it and here's the thing so i deeply went into as we've been talking about i went deep into the housewives i've been housewifing it up but then traders came on
yes so I we've been getting into traitors in my house I love that Bob the drag queen's on I love the Gabby Wendy's on yep we have an incredible Chrishell also is that twin who's a wrestler Nikki is she queer the jaw is but is she I don't know I don't think she might have a husband right the Bella twins both had husbands but I think they both have since left those husbands okay but so it's it's TBD they're not like openly queer I don't think they're openly queer but I do think that if you are a female wrestler yeah come on
yes so I we've been getting into traitors in my house I love that Bob the drag queen's on I love the Gabby Wendy's on yep we have an incredible Chrishell also is that twin who's a wrestler Nikki is she queer the jaw is but is she I don't know I don't think she might have a husband right the Bella twins both had husbands but I think they both have since left those husbands okay but so it's it's TBD they're not like openly queer I don't think they're openly queer but I do think that if you are a female wrestler yeah come on
Wait, you know what I just, okay, hold on. I've always been watching Raw. I have been watching Raw on Netflix. Here's the thing, and I hate because that is so deeply not who I am to my core. No, it's not. I know who you are. It's not. I'm not that type of person.
Wait, you know what I just, okay, hold on. I've always been watching Raw. I have been watching Raw on Netflix. Here's the thing, and I hate because that is so deeply not who I am to my core. No, it's not. I know who you are. It's not. I'm not that type of person.
Tits are fully out. I don't know. I knew it was going to be weird. Just leave it. I like wrestling for this reason. I love seeing any type of person in next to nothing doing a flip in the air and then landing on someone. Me too. That's fucking fun. Me too. Do you know what I like? That's the only thing I like to see. And they never break a sweat. Do you know what I like? They never break a sweat.
Tits are fully out. I don't know. I knew it was going to be weird. Just leave it. I like wrestling for this reason. I love seeing any type of person in next to nothing doing a flip in the air and then landing on someone. Me too. That's fucking fun. Me too. Do you know what I like? That's the only thing I like to see. And they never break a sweat. Do you know what I like? They never break a sweat.
Well, they're oiled up. Yeah, it's not sweaty. It's oily.
Well, they're oiled up. Yeah, it's not sweaty. It's oily.
And they pile drive. That's a pile drive. Yes. Which I don't know because I don't watch it. Rachel loves kissing boys. Okay. I love... Well, they're better kissers. So we're watching Traitors. We're watching Traitors. It's unbelievably queer.
And they pile drive. That's a pile drive. Yes. Which I don't know because I don't watch it. Rachel loves kissing boys. Okay. I love... Well, they're better kissers. So we're watching Traitors. We're watching Traitors. It's unbelievably queer.
Because I come home. Did she trim the wick even? Oh, she didn't trim the wick. I know. It's over. She has the audacity to go. It doesn't really even smell that good. Okay.
Because I come home. Did she trim the wick even? Oh, she didn't trim the wick. I know. It's over. She has the audacity to go. It doesn't really even smell that good. Okay.
I love a game show, though, like of deception. Yes. I think that's so fun to try and find out which one. Who's lying and stuff. Oh, I love a who's lying game.
I love a game show, though, like of deception. Yes. I think that's so fun to try and find out which one. Who's lying and stuff. Oh, I love a who's lying game.
Yeah. So they're all kind of going around. I love that housewives are there. Me too. I actually need way more housewives. Me too. Give me a 50 to 60-year-old woman. I know, they just have a target on their back. I know, because they're not good at playing games like this.
Yeah. So they're all kind of going around. I love that housewives are there. Me too. I actually need way more housewives. Me too. Give me a 50 to 60-year-old woman. I know, they just have a target on their back. I know, because they're not good at playing games like this.
But I wonder if that's how Bob is gonna get
But I wonder if that's how Bob is gonna get
Yeah, you find out immediately that I first think it was like, OK, what if the traitors are listening? You know, it was filmed a year ago. Right. It was filmed fully last summer. Yeah. But yeah, I'm so excited that we have such a queer cast and it is just so fun. Like this is such a fun show.
Yeah, you find out immediately that I first think it was like, OK, what if the traitors are listening? You know, it was filmed a year ago. Right. It was filmed fully last summer. Yeah. But yeah, I'm so excited that we have such a queer cast and it is just so fun. Like this is such a fun show.
I'm like, this is all inspo. He's awesome.
I'm like, this is all inspo. He's awesome.
And it's just fun. Yeah.
And it's just fun. Yeah.
And I was like, babe. Yeah, I know Alan Cummings' work. It's just Spy Kids. Dude, Spice World, though. Spice World. Listen.
And I was like, babe. Yeah, I know Alan Cummings' work. It's just Spy Kids. Dude, Spice World, though. Spice World. Listen.
I do need more full frontal, though. For sure. As I've been saying. Great note. I need more scissoring on camera. Mm-hmm. And more scissoring on camera. And I think that's why you're going to like Monday Night Raw. They do scissor a lot. They're always scissoring. Can I tell you something that happened recently? Erica hurt her hip and I... From... Different. Something different.
I do need more full frontal, though. For sure. As I've been saying. Great note. I need more scissoring on camera. Mm-hmm. And more scissoring on camera. And I think that's why you're going to like Monday Night Raw. They do scissor a lot. They're always scissoring. Can I tell you something that happened recently? Erica hurt her hip and I... From... Different. Something different.
You see why I thought that, though? Well, so... She hurt her hip. And I was like, hey, just so you know, like, I know that one day one of us when we get older, one of us will eventually probably break a hip. For sure. And I said, by that time, I want you to know that when we have grandkids, I am going to text them and say that you broke it during scissoring. For sure. And please pray for grandma.
You see why I thought that, though? Well, so... She hurt her hip. And I was like, hey, just so you know, like, I know that one day one of us when we get older, one of us will eventually probably break a hip. For sure. And I said, by that time, I want you to know that when we have grandkids, I am going to text them and say that you broke it during scissoring. For sure. And please pray for grandma.
That's so funny. I'm like, I'm keeping that in my back pocket for when one of us does break it. Inevitably break a hip. You have to make a sex joke.
That's so funny. I'm like, I'm keeping that in my back pocket for when one of us does break it. Inevitably break a hip. You have to make a sex joke.
Hashtag pray for her.
Hashtag pray for her.
Should I have not said that? No, you can. I think that people are having way different reactions. I think like I was joking with you when we called each other and I was like,
Should I have not said that? No, you can. I think that people are having way different reactions. I think like I was joking with you when we called each other and I was like,
erica really wants it and we're trying to evacuate and she won't get off of me i think you said that as a joke and then it but you were like same and then i was like wait but it actually might be the same for you i was kidding because i was like i'm trying to make levity of the situation because it was so scary and like everyone's nervous but no that hasn't happened to us yet where it's like we have five minutes we better go um
erica really wants it and we're trying to evacuate and she won't get off of me i think you said that as a joke and then it but you were like same and then i was like wait but it actually might be the same for you i was kidding because i was like i'm trying to make levity of the situation because it was so scary and like everyone's nervous but no that hasn't happened to us yet where it's like we have five minutes we better go um
I've been... But I'm such a go, go, go, like get in the car, you know.
I've been... But I'm such a go, go, go, like get in the car, you know.
No. My eye. My eye. Did you, and this is a serious question for the Sharks and Diamonds.
No. My eye. My eye. Did you, and this is a serious question for the Sharks and Diamonds.
How many sex toys did you pack in your evacuation to go back?
How many sex toys did you pack in your evacuation to go back?
here's the thing i was like i was like phone yes phone charger bank yes and then once they were full i was like you may just yes make sure this guy is i'll never need to charge anymore because balessa gave us so many sex toys that i'm like i have so many that i'm like i'll never in my lifetime need to charge another one i actually felt guilty how many sex toys i charged up i said this is privilege i gotta donate this to the queer community i know
here's the thing i was like i was like phone yes phone charger bank yes and then once they were full i was like you may just yes make sure this guy is i'll never need to charge anymore because balessa gave us so many sex toys that i'm like i have so many that i'm like i'll never in my lifetime need to charge another one i actually felt guilty how many sex toys i charged up i said this is privilege i gotta donate this to the queer community i know
I don't know. I don't know why we're here. We're actually not out of the clear. Spotify was like, are you sure you want to come in? We said. Our guests canceled, which is fair. I mean, people are gone. People are not in the city anymore. My left eye won't stop twitching. I'm unwell. Yeah. What would you like to say? What are you letting go of? Besides your breasts.
I don't know. I don't know why we're here. We're actually not out of the clear. Spotify was like, are you sure you want to come in? We said. Our guests canceled, which is fair. I mean, people are gone. People are not in the city anymore. My left eye won't stop twitching. I'm unwell. Yeah. What would you like to say? What are you letting go of? Besides your breasts.
If there's any people in need in our community, let us know. Balessa has sent us way too much and I haven't even opened half of them.
If there's any people in need in our community, let us know. Balessa has sent us way too much and I haven't even opened half of them.
I hope so. Everyone's doing the exact same thing.
I hope so. Everyone's doing the exact same thing.
Shut up. So am I. You bitch. I'm more of a Cancer than you are. Are you? Yeah. No. Yeah, you're always like, I'm a Gemini cusp. I'm a Gemini. I know, but that's like a Cancer thing to be like, I'm not actually that bad. Tell me your quip. All right, so I'm setting up a scenario. We're in Costco. We're in Costco. I'm right behind you, and I'm like, wow, fuck you. You took the last water.
Shut up. So am I. You bitch. I'm more of a Cancer than you are. Are you? Yeah. No. Yeah, you're always like, I'm a Gemini cusp. I'm a Gemini. I know, but that's like a Cancer thing to be like, I'm not actually that bad. Tell me your quip. All right, so I'm setting up a scenario. We're in Costco. We're in Costco. I'm right behind you, and I'm like, wow, fuck you. You took the last water.
No, it's toilet paper. Wow, fuck you.
No, it's toilet paper. Wow, fuck you.
We stress-saw this movie, and I will say a lot of our listeners have been hitting us up. About talking about it? Yeah. So this is perfect. I didn't think it was... a two dykes and a mic movie. I did. Really? Yeah. I didn't, but then there was technically, if we're getting technical, there was a scene with WLW. Was there? Yeah. That woman that gives her ecstasy water.
We stress-saw this movie, and I will say a lot of our listeners have been hitting us up. About talking about it? Yeah. So this is perfect. I didn't think it was... a two dykes and a mic movie. I did. Really? Yeah. I didn't, but then there was technically, if we're getting technical, there was a scene with WLW. Was there? Yeah. That woman that gives her ecstasy water.
Mackenzie knows the correct term. It's neither. Dude, can I just say that there's some times that we'll watch back these episodes and I go, oof. Ooh, you're old. Oh, I'm going to look back at this one and think to myself-
Mackenzie knows the correct term. It's neither. Dude, can I just say that there's some times that we'll watch back these episodes and I go, oof. Ooh, you're old. Oh, I'm going to look back at this one and think to myself-
Yeah. No, I'm just saying, like, there's things that I explain where I'm like, you are a grandmother.
Yeah. No, I'm just saying, like, there's things that I explain where I'm like, you are a grandmother.
Tongue, all the time.
Tongue, all the time.
Okay, that's all. Okay, we are now going to review Baby Girl. Baby Girl. Which is? A sex movie. It is almost exclusively a sex movie.
Okay, that's all. Okay, we are now going to review Baby Girl. Baby Girl. Which is? A sex movie. It is almost exclusively a sex movie.
Yeah, I was listening to an interview with, I think her name is Helena. Yes, the director. The director who did Bodies, Bodies, Bodies. Same director. She's unbelievable. But she was like, this is a... She described it as a dark comedy thriller. Interesting. Yeah. I get that. Which I thought was interesting.
Yeah, I was listening to an interview with, I think her name is Helena. Yes, the director. The director who did Bodies, Bodies, Bodies. Same director. She's unbelievable. But she was like, this is a... She described it as a dark comedy thriller. Interesting. Yeah. I get that. Which I thought was interesting.
Yeah. So it is a high-powered CEO of a company similar to Amazon. You mean... She-E-O. Thank you.
Yeah. So it is a high-powered CEO of a company similar to Amazon. You mean... She-E-O. Thank you.
It's so annoying. She-E-O is not right. It's actually making my eye twitch again. My eye is constantly twitching. So she is... This is played by Nicole Kidman. And she is a very high-powered businesswoman who is heading into the office one day and... There is a German shepherd that is barking out of control on the street. And all of a sudden, a young man, a strapping young man, whistles.
It's so annoying. She-E-O is not right. It's actually making my eye twitch again. My eye is constantly twitching. So she is... This is played by Nicole Kidman. And she is a very high-powered businesswoman who is heading into the office one day and... There is a German shepherd that is barking out of control on the street. And all of a sudden, a young man, a strapping young man, whistles.
He's very strapping. The strapping young man whistles and gets the dog under control. And she is beside herself. She's never seen something so powerful and sexy and seductive in her life. We also open on her fake coming. So she's with her husband having sex. Antonio Banderas. Antonio Banderas. Shout out. His voice. Shout out Puss in Boots. Star of the show. Sorry. Star of the show.
He's very strapping. The strapping young man whistles and gets the dog under control. And she is beside herself. She's never seen something so powerful and sexy and seductive in her life. We also open on her fake coming. So she's with her husband having sex. Antonio Banderas. Antonio Banderas. Shout out. His voice. Shout out Puss in Boots. Star of the show. Sorry. Star of the show.
The best character in the movie. He's having sex with his wife. He's the best character. He is. I left and was like, A.B. all day. He's having sex with his wife. She is on top. She's riding him. She comes. Then we cut to she goes to another room. Yeah. She opens up her laptop. She starts watching Pern. Yes. And then has to masturbate.
The best character in the movie. He's having sex with his wife. He's the best character. He is. I left and was like, A.B. all day. He's having sex with his wife. She is on top. She's riding him. She comes. Then we cut to she goes to another room. Yeah. She opens up her laptop. She starts watching Pern. Yes. And then has to masturbate.
Yeah. This is the second movie this week that I watched of Nicole Kidman masturbating face down.
Yeah. This is the second movie this week that I watched of Nicole Kidman masturbating face down.
Same movie. Same plot. Well, no, I was watching a different movie and... I forget what it's called. Isn't she the one with Zac Efron, too, where he's a baby? Yeah, that one, too, but this one was called Margot at the Wedding, and it's her going to her sister's wedding, but there was a scene of her... She just needed to masturbate face down? Masturbating face down.
Same movie. Same plot. Well, no, I was watching a different movie and... I forget what it's called. Isn't she the one with Zac Efron, too, where he's a baby? Yeah, that one, too, but this one was called Margot at the Wedding, and it's her going to her sister's wedding, but there was a scene of her... She just needed to masturbate face down? Masturbating face down.
Dude, the hands, the wrists.
Dude, the hands, the wrists.
Yes. You and I are both right next to the evacuation zone. Yeah. We are like, we are the next. So it's a ready, set, go system for evacuating. And right now we are right, we are in the ready.
Yes. You and I are both right next to the evacuation zone. Yeah. We are like, we are the next. So it's a ready, set, go system for evacuating. And right now we are right, we are in the ready.
Well, I'm just like carpal tunnel. I'm like, I'm worried for her physical well-being.
Well, I'm just like carpal tunnel. I'm like, I'm worried for her physical well-being.
It's tough because you're asking a married lesbian. Okay, but I'm also a married lesbian. I think The Rock is hot. I'm not seeing it for this man. I think he's a good looking man. And I think he was perfectly cast. I think he played the role amazing.
It's tough because you're asking a married lesbian. Okay, but I'm also a married lesbian. I think The Rock is hot. I'm not seeing it for this man. I think he's a good looking man. And I think he was perfectly cast. I think he played the role amazing.
We're right next to the set, which is the yellow on, if you're on the watch duty app. Which if you're not.
We're right next to the set, which is the yellow on, if you're on the watch duty app. Which if you're not.
Yeah. Yeah. That was. Yeah. I think he had he's a very good actor. I have a few notes. Yeah. Because I really, really liked almost. We have to tell them what the movie is about. You guys get it. It's a sex movie. So it's an older woman. She starts sleeping with her intern. She has an intern at this like Amazon type of company.
Yeah. Yeah. That was. Yeah. I think he had he's a very good actor. I have a few notes. Yeah. Because I really, really liked almost. We have to tell them what the movie is about. You guys get it. It's a sex movie. So it's an older woman. She starts sleeping with her intern. She has an intern at this like Amazon type of company.
And has a dom sub relationship with him where he is treating her in essence like a dog. A little bit of pup play. Yeah. So she has a lot of and there are a lot of images where she in her head is thinking of herself as this German shepherd. Especially at the last scene is her going back and forth with that.
And has a dom sub relationship with him where he is treating her in essence like a dog. A little bit of pup play. Yeah. So she has a lot of and there are a lot of images where she in her head is thinking of herself as this German shepherd. Especially at the last scene is her going back and forth with that.
I thought the acting rocked. The score was one of the best things about the movie. It was. Everything I kept when I left, I was like, that was an unbelievable score. I was shocked it didn't win at the Globes. Did you see Nostra? Challengers won.
I thought the acting rocked. The score was one of the best things about the movie. It was. Everything I kept when I left, I was like, that was an unbelievable score. I was shocked it didn't win at the Globes. Did you see Nostra? Challengers won.
At its core. Can I tell you, we're having a renaissance of older women fucking tiny little young boy movies. Yes, we are. I saw a couple foreign films. Cran Crathaway. Cran Crathaway. Did the one with the, like, One Direction-esque. But not only just, like, those hallmark-y, like, Netflix, straight-to-Netflix movies. Yeah.
At its core. Can I tell you, we're having a renaissance of older women fucking tiny little young boy movies. Yes, we are. I saw a couple foreign films. Cran Crathaway. Cran Crathaway. Did the one with the, like, One Direction-esque. But not only just, like, those hallmark-y, like, Netflix, straight-to-Netflix movies. Yeah.
I'm seeing, like, a lot of foreign films that are trying to, not trying, but, like, they're almost Oscar-nominated. A lot of that.
I'm seeing, like, a lot of foreign films that are trying to, not trying, but, like, they're almost Oscar-nominated. A lot of that.
And I love that. And I love where we're going. Me too. As a society. But I'm going to need it to be not just 18 to 25 year old boys.
And I love that. And I love where we're going. Me too. As a society. But I'm going to need it to be not just 18 to 25 year old boys.
I'm more here for a vampire. I'm more here for a vampire because at least it's age appropriate. I know, but his body count, so high. Love.
I'm more here for a vampire. I'm more here for a vampire because at least it's age appropriate. I know, but his body count, so high. Love.
Just so you know.
Just so you know.
Except for. Can we talk about.
Except for. Can we talk about.
I'm really good in situations like this. Yes, you are. I handle pressure well. Yes. My wife doesn't, and as I said recently, she is like a toddler on crack cocaine. And I think that's a good energy. And she's so, I almost said Norwegian, but she is from New Jersey. She is Norwegian in a lot of senses. Yes. So wait, I have to tell you. So we did get that.
I'm really good in situations like this. Yes, you are. I handle pressure well. Yes. My wife doesn't, and as I said recently, she is like a toddler on crack cocaine. And I think that's a good energy. And she's so, I almost said Norwegian, but she is from New Jersey. She is Norwegian in a lot of senses. Yes. So wait, I have to tell you. So we did get that.
Was it one? Is that why I was like, it was one take didn't move the whole. So everybody who I went with, our theater was empty. Our theater was full. Wow. And we had a couple people who couldn't handle that scene. It was intense. Did they leave? No, they started making jokes. And I think that they were. Yeah, I think they were uncomfortable.
Was it one? Is that why I was like, it was one take didn't move the whole. So everybody who I went with, our theater was empty. Our theater was full. Wow. And we had a couple people who couldn't handle that scene. It was intense. Did they leave? No, they started making jokes. And I think that they were. Yeah, I think they were uncomfortable.
The whole theater was uncomfortable with the scene because it was it's a one take. I mean, it's practically softcore porn. Yeah. It's like unbelievable. It was too much for me. It was too much for everybody in our group. It's like, holy shit. Our group had notes when we left and it was that specific scene of it's that's too much for a movie that you're seeing in public. I agree.
The whole theater was uncomfortable with the scene because it was it's a one take. I mean, it's practically softcore porn. Yeah. It's like unbelievable. It was too much for me. It was too much for everybody in our group. It's like, holy shit. Our group had notes when we left and it was that specific scene of it's that's too much for a movie that you're seeing in public. I agree.
And that's what she was saying. It's like I thought this was due to me growing up in a cult and I've been trying to do different types of trauma therapy. And you see the light therapy, which is specifically for those types of trauma. Right. and it's not working because that's not what this is from.
And that's what she was saying. It's like I thought this was due to me growing up in a cult and I've been trying to do different types of trauma therapy. And you see the light therapy, which is specifically for those types of trauma. Right. and it's not working because that's not what this is from.
Well, it's very sex positive.
Well, it's very sex positive.
But you don't think that that guilt is from not going cheating on her husband. I think the guilt is from putting her family at stake. I couldn't tell.
But you don't think that that guilt is from not going cheating on her husband. I think the guilt is from putting her family at stake. I couldn't tell.
now being held in his arms i was like i know but we don't see that character arc until the last scene with her and that guy in or i guess the second to last where she holds him you mean no no where she at the end that guy comes to threaten her and she pretty much is like get the fuck out of my office if i want to be humiliated i'll pay for it that's That's when she comes.
now being held in his arms i was like i know but we don't see that character arc until the last scene with her and that guy in or i guess the second to last where she holds him you mean no no where she at the end that guy comes to threaten her and she pretty much is like get the fuck out of my office if i want to be humiliated i'll pay for it that's That's when she comes.
We were driving back up from, we went down to San Diego to one, get out of the air quality. We were in horrible toxic air quality in our area. We still are. So yes, but at that time it was in the 300 zone. So it was like super, super bad. We smelled like a campfire. So we went down to San Diego for a night just to get out.
We were driving back up from, we went down to San Diego to one, get out of the air quality. We were in horrible toxic air quality in our area. We still are. So yes, but at that time it was in the 300 zone. So it was like super, super bad. We smelled like a campfire. So we went down to San Diego for a night just to get out.
I feel like you have to wait to have those character arcs until those last moments.
I feel like you have to wait to have those character arcs until those last moments.
I think it was amazing. I think that they relied a little bit too heavily halfway through of those sex scenes. Yeah. I think there are too many. We did the same montage twice. I agree. So that's what are the notes of everybody that I went and saw it with is when we left, they were like. That was unnecessary. It didn't need to be an hour 48. Yeah. It could have been an hour 40.
I think it was amazing. I think that they relied a little bit too heavily halfway through of those sex scenes. Yeah. I think there are too many. We did the same montage twice. I agree. So that's what are the notes of everybody that I went and saw it with is when we left, they were like. That was unnecessary. It didn't need to be an hour 48. Yeah. It could have been an hour 40.
With the one montage. Yeah. And you cut one of those montages out.
With the one montage. Yeah. And you cut one of those montages out.
And then doing it twice. Yeah. Yeah. But I liked it. How many gloves would you give it? Oh, I guess we should say it is queer in a very small, small, small scene. I would have cut that scene. Yeah. So she goes to a club and she's like just trying to find her young lover.
And then doing it twice. Yeah. Yeah. But I liked it. How many gloves would you give it? Oh, I guess we should say it is queer in a very small, small, small scene. I would have cut that scene. Yeah. So she goes to a club and she's like just trying to find her young lover.
And a woman comes up, kisses her briefly and gives her ecstasy water. Okay.
And a woman comes up, kisses her briefly and gives her ecstasy water. Okay.
No, I think 20s, like young 20s.
No, I think 20s, like young 20s.
I think he's supposed to be like 24, 25.
I think he's supposed to be like 24, 25.
I think it's an excellent movie.
I think it's an excellent movie.
I worry about her. There's some scenes where I was like, she really does go full nude. I mean, you see almost everything in this. Yeah, except for no beef. No beef. And that's a huge issue with me. That's a huge issue with me. I was wondering. I was wondering. I was wondering. How many gloves did you say?
I worry about her. There's some scenes where I was like, she really does go full nude. I mean, you see almost everything in this. Yeah, except for no beef. No beef. And that's a huge issue with me. That's a huge issue with me. I was wondering. I was wondering. I was wondering. How many gloves did you say?
I'm so pleased. I loved that.
I'm so pleased. I loved that.
whole part i will say as a warning do not see this with your mom uh-huh do not see this with your dad yes don't see this movie with anybody that you ever want to look in the eye again who is platonic don't see with a neighbor do not i would honestly even i would say don't see it with a friend don't see with a friend i was so glad i almost asked mike oh my god thank god don't yeah truly there is a scene in this movie where i was like
whole part i will say as a warning do not see this with your mom uh-huh do not see this with your dad yes don't see this movie with anybody that you ever want to look in the eye again who is platonic don't see with a neighbor do not i would honestly even i would say don't see it with a friend don't see with a friend i was so glad i almost asked mike oh my god thank god don't yeah truly there is a scene in this movie where i was like
We also went around, got air purifiers for, I had some people in my life that are either pregnant or they have newborns. So we went all around to try and find air purifiers. We were driving back up from San Diego and we get the evacuation right next to us. So we were flying. We get home. We start packing our entire life up. I'm packed. I'm ready. Everything's in my car.
We also went around, got air purifiers for, I had some people in my life that are either pregnant or they have newborns. So we went all around to try and find air purifiers. We were driving back up from San Diego and we get the evacuation right next to us. So we were flying. We get home. We start packing our entire life up. I'm packed. I'm ready. Everything's in my car.
I was pissed that I was in public. Yeah. I was like, this sucks. It was too much. There were grown men in our theater that couldn't handle it and were, like, were out loud making jokes to, like, help the tension at the room. I'm so glad that our theater was empty.
I was pissed that I was in public. Yeah. I was like, this sucks. It was too much. There were grown men in our theater that couldn't handle it and were, like, were out loud making jokes to, like, help the tension at the room. I'm so glad that our theater was empty.
Yes. It was guttural. I left the theater and I said, if I have to hear Nicole Kidman gutturally coming again. She's coming from the bottom of her diaphragm. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's everything within her. It's everything. She's healing a deep, deep wound.
Yes. It was guttural. I left the theater and I said, if I have to hear Nicole Kidman gutturally coming again. She's coming from the bottom of her diaphragm. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's everything within her. It's everything. She's healing a deep, deep wound.
Do you know what I'm saying? Have you ever seen a bear close up growling where their mouth kind of move and they're like, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I do.
Do you know what I'm saying? Have you ever seen a bear close up growling where their mouth kind of move and they're like, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I do.
You know what I'm talking about? I'm like, after you make a noise like that with your husband, how do you go to lunch after that? How do you go order a Cobb salad after making that noise?
You know what I'm talking about? I'm like, after you make a noise like that with your husband, how do you go to lunch after that? How do you go order a Cobb salad after making that noise?
It's so beautiful.
It's so beautiful.
Leah, just bleep that beginning. I'm trying to make a point. No, I get the point. Trust me, I get it. Yeah, yeah. Isn't it crazy?
Leah, just bleep that beginning. I'm trying to make a point. No, I get the point. Trust me, I get it. Yeah, yeah. Isn't it crazy?
I'm like, hey, Erica, what the fuck? I walk in and Rachel, not only is she packing... everything tight so she's like packing very you know organized she's packing her bikinis shut the fuck up i love this though she packed her i'm looking down and i go why the fuck in a emergency situation are you packing your bikinis and like shot like you know beachwear her cover-ups her cover-ups
I'm like, hey, Erica, what the fuck? I walk in and Rachel, not only is she packing... everything tight so she's like packing very you know organized she's packing her bikinis shut the fuck up i love this though she packed her i'm looking down and i go why the fuck in a emergency situation are you packing your bikinis and like shot like you know beachwear her cover-ups her cover-ups
You can see them like kissing the dog. Yes. Oh, it's the same person.
You can see them like kissing the dog. Yes. Oh, it's the same person.
I know. Listen, humans have range. Just like Nicole Kidman. Just like Nicole's.
I know. Listen, humans have range. Just like Nicole Kidman. Just like Nicole's.
I do worry about her range what do you think her next movie will be the exact same thing she's been really into her MILF era MILF era big time which I guess do what you gotta do girl one more queer aspect of the movie her second kid that mullet The mullet's queer. There is a lesbian relationship in the movie. At every turn. Yeah, at every turn. I mean, her child has an affair also. In the pool.
I do worry about her range what do you think her next movie will be the exact same thing she's been really into her MILF era MILF era big time which I guess do what you gotta do girl one more queer aspect of the movie her second kid that mullet The mullet's queer. There is a lesbian relationship in the movie. At every turn. Yeah, at every turn. I mean, her child has an affair also. In the pool.
In the pool. That pool felt very affair-y. Yeah, you're seeing... Her exact timeline being mirrored in her child. So she's like almost learning how to navigate her own affair via her child. Weird. It's so crazy. But I love that.
In the pool. That pool felt very affair-y. Yeah, you're seeing... Her exact timeline being mirrored in her child. So she's like almost learning how to navigate her own affair via her child. Weird. It's so crazy. But I love that.
That has been it for Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. Me too.
That has been it for Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. Me too.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. And I'm Rachel Scanlon-Ali.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. And I'm Rachel Scanlon-Ali.
You're good in fire situations.
You're good in fire situations.
It's confusing, scary, it's terrifying. It's awful.
It's confusing, scary, it's terrifying. It's awful.
Can I be honest? I don't think that that's true. Dude. I think you're not giving yourself enough credit. Ken. You're not. Mackenzie. After seeing my wife, you're actually pretty excellent.
Can I be honest? I don't think that that's true. Dude. I think you're not giving yourself enough credit. Ken. You're not. Mackenzie. After seeing my wife, you're actually pretty excellent.
My bikinis! Dude, she screamed at the top of her lungs when she got that evacuation notice. And I go, calm down. Yeah. Read it. Read the evacuation notice. I can't with these notices. No, I know. Dude, my eye. Our eye. Our eye is twitching. I haven't slept.
My bikinis! Dude, she screamed at the top of her lungs when she got that evacuation notice. And I go, calm down. Yeah. Read it. Read the evacuation notice. I can't with these notices. No, I know. Dude, my eye. Our eye. Our eye is twitching. I haven't slept.
Is it like one of those fireproof boxes? Okay, but then now I'm like, why do I have to bring it if it's fireproof? It's not. I'll tell you right now. Those fireproof boxes that are like $50 to $200 are not fireproof. Oh. Just heads up. So those people out there that are buying these fireproof boxes, they will not...
Is it like one of those fireproof boxes? Okay, but then now I'm like, why do I have to bring it if it's fireproof? It's not. I'll tell you right now. Those fireproof boxes that are like $50 to $200 are not fireproof. Oh. Just heads up. So those people out there that are buying these fireproof boxes, they will not...
But there has been so much going on in my life due to the fires that that was the last thing that I was thinking of. For sure. Did you?
But there has been so much going on in my life due to the fires that that was the last thing that I was thinking of. For sure. Did you?
Every day I go, is that ash or is that powdered sugar? So for those of you who live in Los Angeles and you live in an apartment or someplace that does not have central A.C., You really do need to be, and if your windows have not good seals, you need to be gaff taping plastic bags or something over it so you're not getting in that ash. The ash is in. The ash is in. Rachel.
Every day I go, is that ash or is that powdered sugar? So for those of you who live in Los Angeles and you live in an apartment or someplace that does not have central A.C., You really do need to be, and if your windows have not good seals, you need to be gaff taping plastic bags or something over it so you're not getting in that ash. The ash is in. The ash is in. Rachel.
I don't know what to tell you. We got to get air purifiers to your house.
I don't know what to tell you. We got to get air purifiers to your house.
Oh, my God. I'm stressed. I'm stressed for everyone. Wait.
Oh, my God. I'm stressed. I'm stressed for everyone. Wait.
Yeah, LAX is still up and running. It's just scary. The whole thing is bad and scary. And we'll have links in the description of this podcast of places to donate if you want to donate. There's a lot of GoFundMes for people in Altadena and Pasadena because it was a historically black community that has just been devastated.
Yeah, LAX is still up and running. It's just scary. The whole thing is bad and scary. And we'll have links in the description of this podcast of places to donate if you want to donate. There's a lot of GoFundMes for people in Altadena and Pasadena because it was a historically black community that has just been devastated.
Because this happened during all of this. You and I had a moment of levity.
Because this happened during all of this. You and I had a moment of levity.
It was one of the worst nights. Fires were raging. Winds were blowing. I evacuated and left the neighborhood. You fully left. I was at home. Our whole life was packed up. We could see it. We could see the flames. I'll send Leah the pictures or actually video of it. Yeah. There's video of me and Erica coming back from San Diego and we could see the flames from the freeway.
It was one of the worst nights. Fires were raging. Winds were blowing. I evacuated and left the neighborhood. You fully left. I was at home. Our whole life was packed up. We could see it. We could see the flames. I'll send Leah the pictures or actually video of it. Yeah. There's video of me and Erica coming back from San Diego and we could see the flames from the freeway.
And I'm I'm acting very chill. I'm not. Actually, that was the one moment where I lost it. I was like, oh, yeah. You and I on the phone that day were like, hey, girl. So we're watching the news, you and I. And they they find. this news anchor found Dennis Quaid evacuating. And he was evacuating in his Mercedes and trying to shove his daughter's laundry into his car.
And I'm I'm acting very chill. I'm not. Actually, that was the one moment where I lost it. I was like, oh, yeah. You and I on the phone that day were like, hey, girl. So we're watching the news, you and I. And they they find. this news anchor found Dennis Quaid evacuating. And he was evacuating in his Mercedes and trying to shove his daughter's laundry into his car.
And this news reporter, who I've seen on NBC for years, he comes up and they're giving a pretty normal interview. And it keeps going. And he keeps talking about Dennis Quaid in the third person, which is... Weird. He goes, what does Dennis Quaid think of this? Is Dennis Quaid doing all right in the fires? Dennis Quaid finally is like, hey, why are you talking to me in the third person?
And this news reporter, who I've seen on NBC for years, he comes up and they're giving a pretty normal interview. And it keeps going. And he keeps talking about Dennis Quaid in the third person, which is... Weird. He goes, what does Dennis Quaid think of this? Is Dennis Quaid doing all right in the fires? Dennis Quaid finally is like, hey, why are you talking to me in the third person?
He's like, this is weird. He keeps trying to leave the interview. Ash is falling on him. He's in an evacuation zone. He's just trying to get his medicine and his daughter's laundry. He finally escapes from this interviewer. Then the interviewer starts going through the laundry of the daughter.
He's like, this is weird. He keeps trying to leave the interview. Ash is falling on him. He's in an evacuation zone. He's just trying to get his medicine and his daughter's laundry. He finally escapes from this interviewer. Then the interviewer starts going through the laundry of the daughter.
Do you know when men are just like, I think it was that until it hit 25 minutes. Okay. Legitimately. Then he was like, Hey, for real, I got to go. Right. So he's packing up his car. He can't shove all the laundry in there. So they're those big wicker baskets, laundry baskets. He's trying to shove them in there. The cameraman decides to not pull away. So we're watching him struggle with it.
Do you know when men are just like, I think it was that until it hit 25 minutes. Okay. Legitimately. Then he was like, Hey, for real, I got to go. Right. So he's packing up his car. He can't shove all the laundry in there. So they're those big wicker baskets, laundry baskets. He's trying to shove them in there. The cameraman decides to not pull away. So we're watching him struggle with it.
Such a struggle where I was I was cringing. Erica screaming at the TV. Let Dennis Quaid go. We were all I started texting you like free Dennis Quaid. Yeah, it was unbelievably awkward. It's so cringe. Then the guy, the interviewer is like, wow, here's one thing Dennis Quaid can't do. It is. So he's almost like trolling Dennis Quaid who's trying to escape a fire.
Such a struggle where I was I was cringing. Erica screaming at the TV. Let Dennis Quaid go. We were all I started texting you like free Dennis Quaid. Yeah, it was unbelievably awkward. It's so cringe. Then the guy, the interviewer is like, wow, here's one thing Dennis Quaid can't do. It is. So he's almost like trolling Dennis Quaid who's trying to escape a fire.
Dude, I came back. Then Dennis gets in. He gets in his car. He's about to leave. The interviewer knocks on the window. He goes, roll it down. Then he's like, can you see out of your window? Because you have to see out of your window to drive away.
Dude, I came back. Then Dennis gets in. He gets in his car. He's about to leave. The interviewer knocks on the window. He goes, roll it down. Then he's like, can you see out of your window? Because you have to see out of your window to drive away.
And I was like, is this your daughter? And then he asked, then the interviewer goes, here's the star of the show. Why don't we interview the dog?
And I was like, is this your daughter? And then he asked, then the interviewer goes, here's the star of the show. Why don't we interview the dog?
We are sending out a ton of free vibrators. That's right. Balessa, our favorite company. So I love that Balessa is by women for women, and they are also such community based.
We are sending out a ton of free vibrators. That's right. Balessa, our favorite company. So I love that Balessa is by women for women, and they are also such community based.
Sorry. I'd love to yes and you.
Sorry. I'd love to yes and you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We can't have a billion dollars.
We can't have a billion dollars.
Oh, you'd make that long, tall thing into a pussy sculpture. I think I would. Yeah. I think we need more sculptures that are less... Phallic.
Oh, you'd make that long, tall thing into a pussy sculpture. I think I would. Yeah. I think we need more sculptures that are less... Phallic.
Um, before we get into today's episode, which is so good, we have two amazing guests on. I just want to say, please go rate and review the podcast wherever you get your podcasts. I hope it's Spotify.
Um, before we get into today's episode, which is so good, we have two amazing guests on. I just want to say, please go rate and review the podcast wherever you get your podcasts. I hope it's Spotify.
Ladies and gentlethems, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. And I'm Rachel Scanlina Lee. We have such a fucking good episode today. We do. And this is a new studio, which it is only for one afternoon. Blessed. Blessed. Blessed to be here.
Ladies and gentlethems, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. And I'm Rachel Scanlina Lee. We have such a fucking good episode today. We do. And this is a new studio, which it is only for one afternoon. Blessed. Blessed. Blessed to be here.
I feel like we're in a tough time right now, and I feel like we all need a little queer joy. Yeah, we got to be getting the LOLs. I'm trying to get my LOLs. Me too. Dude, it's mostly on Bravo. I'm getting a lot of gay LOLs on Bravo right now.
I feel like we're in a tough time right now, and I feel like we all need a little queer joy. Yeah, we got to be getting the LOLs. I'm trying to get my LOLs. Me too. Dude, it's mostly on Bravo. I'm getting a lot of gay LOLs on Bravo right now.
I know. Everyone, let us know who your favorite Bravo person is, and we'll try and get them on. Yes.
I know. Everyone, let us know who your favorite Bravo person is, and we'll try and get them on. Yes.
They're unbelievable. We were on their podcast Tea Time, which was so fun. Please go check out their podcast. It's unbelievable. They've got such good chemistry. I mean, obviously they're a married couple. Just like us. Not just like us. Please put your ears together for our episode with the two hosts of Tea Time, Raven and Miranda.
They're unbelievable. We were on their podcast Tea Time, which was so fun. Please go check out their podcast. It's unbelievable. They've got such good chemistry. I mean, obviously they're a married couple. Just like us. Not just like us. Please put your ears together for our episode with the two hosts of Tea Time, Raven and Miranda.
It felt real for us. In a big way. I had a lot of questions that I had to answer with my family.
It felt real for us. In a big way. I had a lot of questions that I had to answer with my family.
Oh, I like that she's like, I'll still watch.
Oh, I like that she's like, I'll still watch.
I'm going to be known as hardwood floors. You literally are.
I'm going to be known as hardwood floors. You literally are.
happening there's a lot happening right now there is a lot afoot how are you i'm doing so well i need to like first off right off the bat i need to show you something that i don't know if you've seen but this has shaken the gay internet Okay, please show it to me. And also the straight internet. Show me! A lot of people, and we'll have Leah fly this up real quick.
happening there's a lot happening right now there is a lot afoot how are you i'm doing so well i need to like first off right off the bat i need to show you something that i don't know if you've seen but this has shaken the gay internet Okay, please show it to me. And also the straight internet. Show me! A lot of people, and we'll have Leah fly this up real quick.
Yeah. Yeah. Do you think that's because that they're interested in the sense of they never saw that growing up? So they're like, oh, this is interesting to see.
Yeah. Yeah. Do you think that's because that they're interested in the sense of they never saw that growing up? So they're like, oh, this is interesting to see.
The gay and the straight internet alike. So this week, Kelly Clarkson. Did you see it?
The gay and the straight internet alike. So this week, Kelly Clarkson. Did you see it?
It's like girls gone wild. It's either girls gone wild or Ellen DeGeneres. Yes. Where it's like there is no in-between. Yeah. For sure.
It's like girls gone wild. It's either girls gone wild or Ellen DeGeneres. Yes. Where it's like there is no in-between. Yeah. For sure.
Okay, so we're going to play it right now. Leah, throw it up.
Okay, so we're going to play it right now. Leah, throw it up.
I'm not. And I kind of that's what I wanted to bring up. Like, how is the dynamic? Has it always been touchy with you guys with your in-laws? Or was there ever a time when you were like, we cannot? And did you have to ease into it?
I'm not. And I kind of that's what I wanted to bring up. Like, how is the dynamic? Has it always been touchy with you guys with your in-laws? Or was there ever a time when you were like, we cannot? And did you have to ease into it?
OK, so Kelly, for those of you who are listening and not watching, the clip is Kelly Clarkson was singing this song. What is it called again? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. She's singing an oldie, but I've never heard it like this before. Katy Perry did it back in the day. And I remember when I was a gay youth. Of course. Hearing Katy Perry sing, I like my girls a little bit older.
OK, so Kelly, for those of you who are listening and not watching, the clip is Kelly Clarkson was singing this song. What is it called again? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. She's singing an oldie, but I've never heard it like this before. Katy Perry did it back in the day. And I remember when I was a gay youth. Of course. Hearing Katy Perry sing, I like my girls a little bit older.
Yes. Yeah.
Yes. Yeah.
Yeah, it does though.
Yeah, it does though.
We're 14, 21. Can we pivot to your love story? Pivot. Pivot. Because I want to know how you guys met. Okay. What was the moment that you saw each other? Tell us everything. I want to know it all.
We're 14, 21. Can we pivot to your love story? Pivot. Pivot. Because I want to know how you guys met. Okay. What was the moment that you saw each other? Tell us everything. I want to know it all.
I remember crashing my car into a ditch.
I remember crashing my car into a ditch.
Yes. First off, their Instagram, raunchy and hilarious. Please go follow them. And also, they have a dog policy. So let's say your dog grabs a hold of your vibe. Hi. Rips it to shreds. All you have to do is send them a picture of your dog. LOL. And they get a vibrator again. That's hysterical.
Yes. First off, their Instagram, raunchy and hilarious. Please go follow them. And also, they have a dog policy. So let's say your dog grabs a hold of your vibe. Hi. Rips it to shreds. All you have to do is send them a picture of your dog. LOL. And they get a vibrator again. That's hysterical.
Do you remember? Was it crowns?
Do you remember? Was it crowns?
You felt it that day. You were like, this is something that's going to go the distance.
You felt it that day. You were like, this is something that's going to go the distance.
You're new. When she winked at the camera during that, my ponties blew off. I've never seen Kelly Clarkson do something that sexy.
You're new. When she winked at the camera during that, my ponties blew off. I've never seen Kelly Clarkson do something that sexy.
Wooden. I'm talking wood. It looks like a sleigh.
Wooden. I'm talking wood. It looks like a sleigh.
Literally what I found and I love.
Literally what I found and I love.
Rachel.
Rachel.
That's freaky.
That's freaky.
Sorry. It's giving queen.
Sorry. It's giving queen.
I see you.
I see you.
I love that we got here. I love that we got to the stain.
I love that we got here. I love that we got to the stain.
If I come over and see it immediately, I'm going to fucking know you guys.
If I come over and see it immediately, I'm going to fucking know you guys.
Can I guess?
Can I guess?
Well, you would know. Deeply. Hardwood floors. That's all I know. Wood on wood. Bone on bone. It's too much. Do you guys have pets? We do have a pet.
Well, you would know. Deeply. Hardwood floors. That's all I know. Wood on wood. Bone on bone. It's too much. Do you guys have pets? We do have a pet.
So how do you navigate having sex when you have a pet? What kind of a pet are we dealing with?
So how do you navigate having sex when you have a pet? What kind of a pet are we dealing with?
And I feel like my dog would give me notes. Yeah. I feel like I don't want a judgment.
And I feel like my dog would give me notes. Yeah. I feel like I don't want a judgment.
Yeah. I don't want my pet to be like, you're not doing it right. Right. Let me show you.
Yeah. I don't want my pet to be like, you're not doing it right. Right. Let me show you.
I'm like, I don't want the notes. That scares me. 100%.
I'm like, I don't want the notes. That scares me. 100%.
That's what we say on this pod.
That's what we say on this pod.
Toes only.
Toes only.
I have a lot of aunts and uncles that are like, it's going to be hard. It's work. It's going to be hard.
I have a lot of aunts and uncles that are like, it's going to be hard. It's work. It's going to be hard.
Oh, yeah. Loretta Bush. Have you seen her? No, but I watched True Detective with Jodie Foster, so I think I get the gist of it.
Oh, yeah. Loretta Bush. Have you seen her? No, but I watched True Detective with Jodie Foster, so I think I get the gist of it.
Death Beth, I think it is.
Death Beth, I think it is.
None of our parents did it the perfect way. No one can do it perfect. And nobody on TikTok is doing it the perfect way.
None of our parents did it the perfect way. No one can do it perfect. And nobody on TikTok is doing it the perfect way.
Listen, lady cops, which I think is how they like to be referred to.
Listen, lady cops, which I think is how they like to be referred to.
an erotic surprise during this horrific murder three-part docuseries i have to fly in i have to watch it i will say and i think you need to watch it there was a i believe australian detective show that was full-blown lesbo yes slash comedy yes yes yes yes yes deadlock deadlock
an erotic surprise during this horrific murder three-part docuseries i have to fly in i have to watch it i will say and i think you need to watch it there was a i believe australian detective show that was full-blown lesbo yes slash comedy yes yes yes yes yes deadlock deadlock
well the Loch Ness Dike imagine both of us got it wrong yes yes that one was I think that there is a huge market that we are not tapping 100% at or we are overly tapping into 100% there's still people that want to watch it which is lady cops well and I think with us being and I don't I'm not getting on my high horse get on it and but it is a pony it is a petting zoo pony it's a pink pony
well the Loch Ness Dike imagine both of us got it wrong yes yes that one was I think that there is a huge market that we are not tapping 100% at or we are overly tapping into 100% there's still people that want to watch it which is lady cops well and I think with us being and I don't I'm not getting on my high horse get on it and but it is a pony it is a petting zoo pony it's a pink pony
It's tiny.
It's tiny.
Yeah. Yeah. Your principal's like, stop watching that everywhere, Rachel.
Yeah. Yeah. Your principal's like, stop watching that everywhere, Rachel.
They're rechargeable. They're waterproof. Yes. And they feel so nice. And they charge in their case.
They're rechargeable. They're waterproof. Yes. And they feel so nice. And they charge in their case.
That's kind of like making fun of a butch, making fun of a butch, right? Yeah. Because that is a butch energy. Sure. Well, the outfits. When she had all those puppies, I said, that's my wife. I said, that's who I want to marry.
That's kind of like making fun of a butch, making fun of a butch, right? Yeah. Because that is a butch energy. Sure. Well, the outfits. When she had all those puppies, I said, that's my wife. I said, that's who I want to marry.
This was the cool arm? Of course. Yeah. I think it's your tattoos are giving you like a little bit more of that gender affirming... Care. Care. My tattoos should be covered by Blue Anthem. First of all... Well, a couple years ago, sure. Yeah. Not now. Not now.
This was the cool arm? Of course. Yeah. I think it's your tattoos are giving you like a little bit more of that gender affirming... Care. Care. My tattoos should be covered by Blue Anthem. First of all... Well, a couple years ago, sure. Yeah. Not now. Not now.
They took your butt and put it on your arm. They took the fat from your butt. It's a new surgery. All the ladies are getting it. I'm worried. I think both your arms look amazing. It's one of my biggest pet peeves is when people are so insecure about their arms. Yeah, it happens a lot. Who cares? Your arms look amazing. Look at me, fully power.
They took your butt and put it on your arm. They took the fat from your butt. It's a new surgery. All the ladies are getting it. I'm worried. I think both your arms look amazing. It's one of my biggest pet peeves is when people are so insecure about their arms. Yeah, it happens a lot. Who cares? Your arms look amazing. Look at me, fully power.
I think start wearing cuffs. I think start wearing cuffs. I think that that will give you the power that you need. I think make it like Xena warrior princess, but more of a warrior.
I think start wearing cuffs. I think start wearing cuffs. I think that that will give you the power that you need. I think make it like Xena warrior princess, but more of a warrior.
Or not Starbucks because we're boycotting Starbucks, but you're at a coffee shop. I'm at a coffee shop. Locally owned.
Or not Starbucks because we're boycotting Starbucks, but you're at a coffee shop. I'm at a coffee shop. Locally owned.
you guys don't have oat milk at your school yeah i love it thank you before we get into the next topic i do want to say that we are on the road we're going on the road and we have tour dates that we want to release um we're going hog wild our tour is called two dykes and a mic going hog wild this is our spring tour by the way yeah we're going back in fall too so all the cities that you're like please come here please we're coming there we're gonna be there i promise you
you guys don't have oat milk at your school yeah i love it thank you before we get into the next topic i do want to say that we are on the road we're going on the road and we have tour dates that we want to release um we're going hog wild our tour is called two dykes and a mic going hog wild this is our spring tour by the way yeah we're going back in fall too so all the cities that you're like please come here please we're coming there we're gonna be there i promise you
I swear to I swear. So we're starting April 1st in Cardiff, UK. Then we go to Brighton, April 2nd, April 4th. We're in London. Then we have Madison, April 17th, April 18th, Minneapolis, Washington, D.C., April 19th. And then we have Los Angeles, our hometown, April 23rd.
I swear to I swear. So we're starting April 1st in Cardiff, UK. Then we go to Brighton, April 2nd, April 4th. We're in London. Then we have Madison, April 17th, April 18th, Minneapolis, Washington, D.C., April 19th. And then we have Los Angeles, our hometown, April 23rd.
It's been bugging me. Yes. Everyone's like, you know, I know that. And this is a little bit more. Listen, we're not a political show. For sure. This is as political as I'm going to get.
It's been bugging me. Yes. Everyone's like, you know, I know that. And this is a little bit more. Listen, we're not a political show. For sure. This is as political as I'm going to get.
Okay. Yes. A lot of like going to Mars. Yeah. Right. Trying to colonize other planets. Yes. I want to know what you would do if you had T-Swift money. what you would do, because like back in the day they used to build things, right? Like we had libraries, stuff like that. What would you do if you were a billionaire right now with your money?
Okay. Yes. A lot of like going to Mars. Yeah. Right. Trying to colonize other planets. Yes. I want to know what you would do if you had T-Swift money. what you would do, because like back in the day they used to build things, right? Like we had libraries, stuff like that. What would you do if you were a billionaire right now with your money?
Well, that's a good one.
Well, that's a good one.
Is that insane? No, it's not insane. Is that not sexy enough? I think it's sexy. I thought you'd go bigger. I like, cause to me, I kind of thought about it and I was like, what would I like? Actually, what would I do? I think I would go crazy. If I was a billionaire, I think I would do something where they're like, Hey, please don't do like, I would, you know, like Mount Rushmore. Of course.
Is that insane? No, it's not insane. Is that not sexy enough? I think it's sexy. I thought you'd go bigger. I like, cause to me, I kind of thought about it and I was like, what would I like? Actually, what would I do? I think I would go crazy. If I was a billionaire, I think I would do something where they're like, Hey, please don't do like, I would, you know, like Mount Rushmore. Of course.
I feel like I would go around buying big mountain ranges and putting like Eleanor Roosevelt. Yes. Whitney Houston. Yes. Jigglypuff.
I feel like I would go around buying big mountain ranges and putting like Eleanor Roosevelt. Yes. Whitney Houston. Yes. Jigglypuff.
right like putting up lesbian icons yeah yeah jigglypuff's a lessee sorry you mean the boob of pokemon yeah jigglypuff's a lessee stupid of course but i i feel like i would do stuff like that where it's like we're changing the face yeah of what america looks like i really i think this is important when you first asked me i could i don't know why i was thinking mountain ranges it's because i could feel your thoughts coming through us i think take over the mountain range why why why did we do mount rushmore
right like putting up lesbian icons yeah yeah jigglypuff's a lessee sorry you mean the boob of pokemon yeah jigglypuff's a lessee stupid of course but i i feel like i would do stuff like that where it's like we're changing the face yeah of what america looks like i really i think this is important when you first asked me i could i don't know why i was thinking mountain ranges it's because i could feel your thoughts coming through us i think take over the mountain range why why why did we do mount rushmore
Who the fuck was like, let's put a bunch of dudes up there? No, that's insane.
Who the fuck was like, let's put a bunch of dudes up there? No, that's insane.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Done. Done. Done, done, done, done, done. Finally, people go back out there. We need more mountain ranges with women.
Done. Done. Done, done, done, done, done. Finally, people go back out there. We need more mountain ranges with women.
BRB.
BRB.
Yes.
Yes.
Okay. I've got to ask a dyke tonight. I've got to know.
Okay. I've got to ask a dyke tonight. I've got to know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Once a dyke, always a dyke.
Once a dyke, always a dyke.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What did she find?
What did she find?
I'm the opposite. So I see them coming. I go, you better not. Oh, wow. You better not. And then I still say it. And then I go, I shouldn't have said that. Fuck. Oh, it must be tough to see it coming and regret it. Yeah. It's both. It's double.
I'm the opposite. So I see them coming. I go, you better not. Oh, wow. You better not. And then I still say it. And then I go, I shouldn't have said that. Fuck. Oh, it must be tough to see it coming and regret it. Yeah. It's both. It's double.
And that's what makes me laugh hard.
And that's what makes me laugh hard.
It's because she's so tiny and then she'll get so red. She is the little man in Inside Out.
It's because she's so tiny and then she'll get so red. She is the little man in Inside Out.
somebody's never done it in the sack rocks me in the sack is like can I try something that's that's my energy I like a can I try something hey I know we're having fun but what if I tried something have you I love this yeah I love that for you have you ever seen an adult at a bounce place yeah I've been one so that is the energy of me in the bedroom okay one of those places that's like a jump house yes yes yes yes where every all everyone is left and it's just like a lot of bouncing your tits are high and low yeah it
somebody's never done it in the sack rocks me in the sack is like can I try something that's that's my energy I like a can I try something hey I know we're having fun but what if I tried something have you I love this yeah I love that for you have you ever seen an adult at a bounce place yeah I've been one so that is the energy of me in the bedroom okay one of those places that's like a jump house yes yes yes yes where every all everyone is left and it's just like a lot of bouncing your tits are high and low yeah it
If I didn't marry Louis Black. Voice. Size. I really did marry Louis Black. You did and I married grown up Matilda. Sick.
If I didn't marry Louis Black. Voice. Size. I really did marry Louis Black. You did and I married grown up Matilda. Sick.
You better believe I went to a Louis Black concert. So did I. Shut the fuck up. What year? When? What tour? Wait, did we go to the same year? It was like 07 or 06. Mine was a little later. Oh, okay.
You better believe I went to a Louis Black concert. So did I. Shut the fuck up. What year? When? What tour? Wait, did we go to the same year? It was like 07 or 06. Mine was a little later. Oh, okay.
Lewis is Black. No, we have more gay news. We have to keep this gay. Okay, sorry. Sometimes we go on straight tangents. Lesbians love Lewis Black. I don't think they do. Just us. Okay. In other gay news. If we had him on, our sharks and Diane's would be like, what the fuck is this? Okay. In other gay news. Have you been watching White Lotus? Of course. I know that.
Lewis is Black. No, we have more gay news. We have to keep this gay. Okay, sorry. Sometimes we go on straight tangents. Lesbians love Lewis Black. I don't think they do. Just us. Okay. In other gay news. If we had him on, our sharks and Diane's would be like, what the fuck is this? Okay. In other gay news. Have you been watching White Lotus? Of course. I know that.
So we're a couple weeks after this happened, but they started teasing a brother. A brother, brother, brother down. A brother down. Yeah. Did you see the newest episode? And what were your thoughts? I know I'm ahead of you on the show. You're ahead of me, but by choice in the sense of I saw the previews of they did stuff together. Oh, I didn't see the previews. I saw people post about it.
So we're a couple weeks after this happened, but they started teasing a brother. A brother, brother, brother down. A brother down. Yeah. Did you see the newest episode? And what were your thoughts? I know I'm ahead of you on the show. You're ahead of me, but by choice in the sense of I saw the previews of they did stuff together. Oh, I didn't see the previews. I saw people post about it.
So I saw like them.com. Yeah. And like organizations post and be like, it happened. Them.com is getting insane.
So I saw like them.com. Yeah. And like organizations post and be like, it happened. Them.com is getting insane.
Well, the grammar is sometimes, it reads funny. Yeah. Because the grammar is like, What are you talking about?
Well, the grammar is sometimes, it reads funny. Yeah. Because the grammar is like, What are you talking about?
Anyways. Anyways, I've been watching White Lotus.
Anyways. Anyways, I've been watching White Lotus.
I do, too. And I know that like they had something incesty in season two where it was that this guy was like, this is my nephew. This is my nephew. He was always like, this is my uncle. And then we did see them rail.
I do, too. And I know that like they had something incesty in season two where it was that this guy was like, this is my nephew. This is my nephew. He was always like, this is my uncle. And then we did see them rail.
They were not related. But still, we all thought they were. We thought they were. And I really hated that storyline.
They were not related. But still, we all thought they were. We thought they were. And I really hated that storyline.
I still think that's super fucked up. I still think that's inappropriate.
I still think that's super fucked up. I still think that's inappropriate.
Yeah, super awful. So when I saw that they were setting it up, I actually dipped out and I said, I no longer need to see this.
Yeah, super awful. So when I saw that they were setting it up, I actually dipped out and I said, I no longer need to see this.
out of nowhere i think he should win an emmy for that monologue you think so he was so good yeah it was fun yeah that was and that's what i want white lotus to be i want white lotus to be because that's your titillating monologue like that's something that you're like okay this is boundary pushing like this is going to whatever i thought that that was super fun but the other stuff that they're doing is unnecessary i agree and it's like for what why it's insane yeah do you like that girl's teeth
out of nowhere i think he should win an emmy for that monologue you think so he was so good yeah it was fun yeah that was and that's what i want white lotus to be i want white lotus to be because that's your titillating monologue like that's something that you're like okay this is boundary pushing like this is going to whatever i thought that that was super fun but the other stuff that they're doing is unnecessary i agree and it's like for what why it's insane yeah do you like that girl's teeth
I love her teeth. Yeah. I'm all about it.
I love her teeth. Yeah. I'm all about it.
I'll just say this. Here's what I'll say. And I'll say this. As a daughter of a dentist, he said that should be your last resort. He was like, whatever you do, try your best not to get veneers. Right.
I'll just say this. Here's what I'll say. And I'll say this. As a daughter of a dentist, he said that should be your last resort. He was like, whatever you do, try your best not to get veneers. Right.
All teeth are beautiful. Fun teeth.
All teeth are beautiful. Fun teeth.
All teeth are beautiful. Big, little, smooshed apart. All of the teeth. All of the teeth. I think keep what you got. What can I say? I like natural. Sitting over here on a BBL. What can I say?
All teeth are beautiful. Big, little, smooshed apart. All of the teeth. All of the teeth. I think keep what you got. What can I say? I like natural. Sitting over here on a BBL. What can I say?
Okay, in other gay news. Do you think my teeth are fake? No. Oh, because they're too small? Oh, let me guess. Too small. In other gay news, are you watching Real Housewives? I'm not. You're not? The new season? Okay, because Garcelle keeps bringing up to Kyle's face and the group's face. Hey. Bullying her? She's like, why are we not talking about Morgan? She's like, hey, group.
Okay, in other gay news. Do you think my teeth are fake? No. Oh, because they're too small? Oh, let me guess. Too small. In other gay news, are you watching Real Housewives? I'm not. You're not? The new season? Okay, because Garcelle keeps bringing up to Kyle's face and the group's face. Hey. Bullying her? She's like, why are we not talking about Morgan? She's like, hey, group.
I just want to bring up the fact that Kyle's out here with Morgan. Hey. And no one's talking about it. I'm not sure if this is the right take, but can I give you my opinion? Yes, but let me just add one more bit of information. Garcelle keeps being like, we're all upset that Maurizio's out here with all these younger women. And Maurizio's her ex. Maurizio is her ex.
I just want to bring up the fact that Kyle's out here with Morgan. Hey. And no one's talking about it. I'm not sure if this is the right take, but can I give you my opinion? Yes, but let me just add one more bit of information. Garcelle keeps being like, we're all upset that Maurizio's out here with all these younger women. And Maurizio's her ex. Maurizio is her ex.
Thanks for letting us do this. It's giving the energy of somebody winning an award. Yes. It's crying.
Thanks for letting us do this. It's giving the energy of somebody winning an award. Yes. It's crying.
Well, yes, they're separated, but they are still legally married. They have not filed for divorce yet. Got it. As of this season. Okay. And she's like, I think it's a double standard. I think it's weird that none of us are talking about that. You're always out with Morgan Wade. The voice of our community. And Kyle just sits there going like she never answers. She never clarifies.
Well, yes, they're separated, but they are still legally married. They have not filed for divorce yet. Got it. As of this season. Okay. And she's like, I think it's a double standard. I think it's weird that none of us are talking about that. You're always out with Morgan Wade. The voice of our community. And Kyle just sits there going like she never answers. She never clarifies.
She... Did choose... She made a lot of steps. She was in a public music video where she was practically Stacey's momming.
She... Did choose... She made a lot of steps. She was in a public music video where she was practically Stacey's momming.
It's overwhelmed. Can't believe I made it here. I'm shocked. I also.
It's overwhelmed. Can't believe I made it here. I'm shocked. I also.
I do, but I was also a teenager. And she's... In her 50s. She's like, I'm too much of a Kyle apologist. I do a little bit. Okay, I do understand that, and I understand that she recently... Like, she's going through a lot, and she goes through it a lot publicly, which is scary. But I'm also like, they have been... or at least friends for over three years now.
I do, but I was also a teenager. And she's... In her 50s. She's like, I'm too much of a Kyle apologist. I do a little bit. Okay, I do understand that, and I understand that she recently... Like, she's going through a lot, and she goes through it a lot publicly, which is scary. But I'm also like, they have been... or at least friends for over three years now.
It's been a long... And she's never addressed it? She's never addressing it. So I'm kind of like, at what point, how long can you keep being like, I don't want to talk about it? In the public eye? In the public eye. I mean, Morgan Wade was on the show. Yeah. They got matching tattoos. Imagine any time people asked about us, I was like, I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, I'm like, come on.
It's been a long... And she's never addressed it? She's never addressing it. So I'm kind of like, at what point, how long can you keep being like, I don't want to talk about it? In the public eye? In the public eye. I mean, Morgan Wade was on the show. Yeah. They got matching tattoos. Imagine any time people asked about us, I was like, I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, I'm like, come on.
For giving me the opportunity. I want to thank the Academy.
For giving me the opportunity. I want to thank the Academy.
But then sometimes on Housewives, they're like, Kyle knows how to play the media. They're like, listen, she's out and about. Paparazzi are finding her and Morgan. She's calling them.
But then sometimes on Housewives, they're like, Kyle knows how to play the media. They're like, listen, she's out and about. Paparazzi are finding her and Morgan. She's calling them.
For sure. I do always thank my agents and managers.
For sure. I do always thank my agents and managers.
I agree that I think she is figuring it out, but I guess it's so hard for me watching it to be like, I agree with Garcelle in this scenario of like, you can't be mad at your husband for going out and dating when you're doing the exact same thing. Oh, she's mad. That's kind of the conversation happening of like, how are we sitting here getting upset and being like, I'll fight Maurizio for you.
I agree that I think she is figuring it out, but I guess it's so hard for me watching it to be like, I agree with Garcelle in this scenario of like, you can't be mad at your husband for going out and dating when you're doing the exact same thing. Oh, she's mad. That's kind of the conversation happening of like, how are we sitting here getting upset and being like, I'll fight Maurizio for you.
When you're out here at her concerts.
When you're out here at her concerts.
Waiting, yeah. You're waiting in that water. Wait in the water. Listen, I'm deeply into the Housewives now.
Waiting, yeah. You're waiting in that water. Wait in the water. Listen, I'm deeply into the Housewives now.
I'm a huge Yolanda head. Yolanda Hadid? Yeah. Incredible. You know that I'm going this way, right?
I'm a huge Yolanda head. Yolanda Hadid? Yeah. Incredible. You know that I'm going this way, right?
Can I tell you that Erica has been watching it with me? Yeah. And she goes, I've gotten gayer every episode I watch because she's like, I don't ever want a relationship like that to find me.
Can I tell you that Erica has been watching it with me? Yeah. And she goes, I've gotten gayer every episode I watch because she's like, I don't ever want a relationship like that to find me.
That's me every time I fuck. I have the energy of an actress winning best supporting actress.
That's me every time I fuck. I have the energy of an actress winning best supporting actress.
I'm like, how dare these men not kiss Ciara's feet? How? Every morning they should be washing her feet and begging for her to look at them.
I'm like, how dare these men not kiss Ciara's feet? How? Every morning they should be washing her feet and begging for her to look at them.
Alive. I don't understand. The Ciara thing actually makes me horrified. I do love her accent. Sierra? Yeah. She doesn't have an accent. Yes, she does. Which accent is it? It's she pronounces, she over pronounces every single vowel. Oh, a nurse's accent. Is that what it is? Maybe. I don't know, but I like her accent a lot.
Alive. I don't understand. The Ciara thing actually makes me horrified. I do love her accent. Sierra? Yeah. She doesn't have an accent. Yes, she does. Which accent is it? It's she pronounces, she over pronounces every single vowel. Oh, a nurse's accent. Is that what it is? Maybe. I don't know, but I like her accent a lot.
It's when I see Wes alone in his room and I go, how dare you? Yeah, Bravo will make you a lesbian. Bravo has made me... A raging lesbian.
It's when I see Wes alone in his room and I go, how dare you? Yeah, Bravo will make you a lesbian. Bravo has made me... A raging lesbian.
How dare you treat these women like this? It's sad. Yeah, it actually is. Like Kyle. Oh, fuck you. It's not good. It's not good. Do you want to talk The Giver? Of course. Of course. It's been a couple weeks since it came out.
How dare you treat these women like this? It's sad. Yeah, it actually is. Like Kyle. Oh, fuck you. It's not good. It's not good. Do you want to talk The Giver? Of course. Of course. It's been a couple weeks since it came out.
absolutely nobody should have to make love with me except for my beautiful wife can i just tell them can i fill them in what's happening yes okay so why we started singing vitamin c graduation yes other than it's one of the best songs it's so good she really did dye her hair orange she would yeah she's like somebody vitamin c somebody in an r was like let's go orange i think it's beautiful
absolutely nobody should have to make love with me except for my beautiful wife can i just tell them can i fill them in what's happening yes okay so why we started singing vitamin c graduation yes other than it's one of the best songs it's so good she really did dye her hair orange she would yeah she's like somebody vitamin c somebody in an r was like let's go orange i think it's beautiful
I would say you don't want to do that.
I would say you don't want to do that.
It's... Yeah, it is a lot of dog... I do... You'd be a great gardener. Or a farmer. I can't be outside. Oh.
It's... Yeah, it is a lot of dog... I do... You'd be a great gardener. Or a farmer. I can't be outside. Oh.
The song is catchy. Yes. I agree that it was one where it was like, it'll grow. I liked it from the jump. It's a grower, not a shower. The song. Which happens with a lot of pop songs. I'm gonna be honest. Espresso was a grower, not a shower for me. Wow. Espresso, I heard, I said. You're like, maybe. We'll see. We'll put it in a playlist. And then Song of the Summer.
The song is catchy. Yes. I agree that it was one where it was like, it'll grow. I liked it from the jump. It's a grower, not a shower. The song. Which happens with a lot of pop songs. I'm gonna be honest. Espresso was a grower, not a shower for me. Wow. Espresso, I heard, I said. You're like, maybe. We'll see. We'll put it in a playlist. And then Song of the Summer.
Couple days later, Song of the fucking Summer, honey. I mean, they don't make music like the Black Eyed Peas anymore. They sure don't. Those are instant. Those are showers. Dude, we went to karaoke recently and I was like, we were listening to some oldies. And by oldies, I do mean early 2000s. And I was like, we grew up in such a good time for music. I know we had the best music.
Couple days later, Song of the fucking Summer, honey. I mean, they don't make music like the Black Eyed Peas anymore. They sure don't. Those are instant. Those are showers. Dude, we went to karaoke recently and I was like, we were listening to some oldies. And by oldies, I do mean early 2000s. And I was like, we grew up in such a good time for music. I know we had the best music.
No notes. Cadley Booper. I can't believe he is dating Yolanda's daughter.
No notes. Cadley Booper. I can't believe he is dating Yolanda's daughter.
Reinald Plasty is your favorite of all men? They just all look like Mattel. They look like a dude. Mattel made them. Do you know what I mean? Like, they look factory pumped out. It doesn't even make sense. They can't even dance. Listen, I will say this, and I'm biased, but I think... Women are so unbelievably beautiful. Yeah. And men are not as beautiful.
Reinald Plasty is your favorite of all men? They just all look like Mattel. They look like a dude. Mattel made them. Do you know what I mean? Like, they look factory pumped out. It doesn't even make sense. They can't even dance. Listen, I will say this, and I'm biased, but I think... Women are so unbelievably beautiful. Yeah. And men are not as beautiful.
I had 15 seconds of singing. Dude, that was really fun. I had so much fun with you and I want to go back and I want to sing every weekend with you. Raven and Miranda sang really well together too. Yeah.
I had 15 seconds of singing. Dude, that was really fun. I had so much fun with you and I want to go back and I want to sing every weekend with you. Raven and Miranda sang really well together too. Yeah.
They really did good. Performers. I know. Actually, we should do some singing tomorrow at Largo. Okay. Oh, we should. Let's finish out the show with a song. Cheetah Girls.
They really did good. Performers. I know. Actually, we should do some singing tomorrow at Largo. Okay. Oh, we should. Let's finish out the show with a song. Cheetah Girls.
Let's get her on the pod. She must be. She's got to still be around. She's got to be around because she's here. Yeah. Okay. We'll get Vitamin C on the pod. We'll talk about the graduation song. Fine. But the reason why we were singing it is this is going to be our last ever recording here in this studio. Yes. We're going to be finding a new studio, which is very exciting. It's very exciting.
Let's get her on the pod. She must be. She's got to still be around. She's got to be around because she's here. Yeah. Okay. We'll get Vitamin C on the pod. We'll talk about the graduation song. Fine. But the reason why we were singing it is this is going to be our last ever recording here in this studio. Yes. We're going to be finding a new studio, which is very exciting. It's very exciting.
Or you can shove it up your ass. Also, you can email it to us at 2decksandamic at gmail.com.
Or you can shove it up your ass. Also, you can email it to us at 2decksandamic at gmail.com.
Watched me. I was horrified. You know what sucks? You know that they were colluding before this. You know for sure. The whole way down, they're like, we're going to ask Rachel. We have to ask Rachel. We're going to ask Rachel if she's a girl. Because they know that you and Nazara are a married couple.
Watched me. I was horrified. You know what sucks? You know that they were colluding before this. You know for sure. The whole way down, they're like, we're going to ask Rachel. We have to ask Rachel. We're going to ask Rachel if she's a girl. Because they know that you and Nazara are a married couple.
Do you ever get that from kids? Were they filming? No. Like, for a couple times, these kids... They both have headsets on. They're booming.
Do you ever get that from kids? Were they filming? No. Like, for a couple times, these kids... They both have headsets on. They're booming.
I am going to miss this studio, though. I'm going to miss this boot.
I am going to miss this studio, though. I'm going to miss this boot.
I think they're aware of it and then they don't question it until later.
I think they're aware of it and then they don't question it until later.
When society is, like... Yeah, I think they're aware of it and it's just accepted.
When society is, like... Yeah, I think they're aware of it and it's just accepted.
I know. I am terrified to have kids because they're already going to be a little bit of me. Scary. And then they're going to be asking too many questions that I don't want to answer. I feel like you got to let them. Like, mommy, did you get another BBL? I feel like they're going to be like, your kids are going to be crazy. I know.
I know. I am terrified to have kids because they're already going to be a little bit of me. Scary. And then they're going to be asking too many questions that I don't want to answer. I feel like you got to let them. Like, mommy, did you get another BBL? I feel like they're going to be like, your kids are going to be crazy. I know.
Prove it. I mean, like, your kids are going to be ruthless.
Prove it. I mean, like, your kids are going to be ruthless.
I know. I'm scared. I'm terrified. No, shit was wild. We have an Ask a Dyke that I really want to read to you. And please do. Okay. And if you have an Ask a Dyke, you can email us at 2dykesandamikeatgmail.com. Great Gmail account. What a good Gmail account. Who set that up? Great Gmail account. Greetings, dykes. And I'm assuming that they're doing this. Greetings, dykes. Don't look at my finger.
I know. I'm scared. I'm terrified. No, shit was wild. We have an Ask a Dyke that I really want to read to you. And please do. Okay. And if you have an Ask a Dyke, you can email us at 2dykesandamikeatgmail.com. Great Gmail account. What a good Gmail account. Who set that up? Great Gmail account. Greetings, dykes. And I'm assuming that they're doing this. Greetings, dykes. Don't look at my finger.
I'm a fan of the pod, and this is my Ask a Dyke. I'm 16, and I go to an all-girls Catholic school. Pause. Are they allowed to listen to us?
I'm a fan of the pod, and this is my Ask a Dyke. I'm 16, and I go to an all-girls Catholic school. Pause. Are they allowed to listen to us?
No, they know. They can tell by my energy. They know. There's a bit of something in there. Yeah. I went to an all girls Catholic high school and I will say a lot of them are gay now.
No, they know. They can tell by my energy. They know. There's a bit of something in there. Yeah. I went to an all girls Catholic high school and I will say a lot of them are gay now.
The pipeline is strong. You know what? It's just statistics. Yes. All women are gay. So even all women's school, they're gay. Okay. I'm 16. I go to an all-girls Catholic high school. My girlfriend and I don't really get to see each other outside of school. So most days after school, we kind of sort of make out and do lesbian things in an empty stairwell above the chapel. Yes.
The pipeline is strong. You know what? It's just statistics. Yes. All women are gay. So even all women's school, they're gay. Okay. I'm 16. I go to an all-girls Catholic high school. My girlfriend and I don't really get to see each other outside of school. So most days after school, we kind of sort of make out and do lesbian things in an empty stairwell above the chapel. Yes.
That helps with reviewing us. And every other week, we have a private episode. And those are our Sharks and Dianes and our Cheyennes.
That helps with reviewing us. And every other week, we have a private episode. And those are our Sharks and Dianes and our Cheyennes.
As more experienced dykes, please share your opinions. And if you think this is hot or gross, thank you. I love you. All hail Cate Blanchett.
As more experienced dykes, please share your opinions. And if you think this is hot or gross, thank you. I love you. All hail Cate Blanchett.
Well, I don't. Listen, you're 16. So therefore nothing is hot. But I will say that that a lot of girls did that at my school. Really? There was one stairwell that led to the bell tower. So there was a it was a bell tower. And then the stairwell was like hidden. And a lot of girls would go up and make out in that bell tower. Oh, my God. With each other? No, with their hands, Rachel.
Well, I don't. Listen, you're 16. So therefore nothing is hot. But I will say that that a lot of girls did that at my school. Really? There was one stairwell that led to the bell tower. So there was a it was a bell tower. And then the stairwell was like hidden. And a lot of girls would go up and make out in that bell tower. Oh, my God. With each other? No, with their hands, Rachel.
And our guy-ands. And we will actually, you know, in this episode, we will tell all the new listeners how those names came about. Because a lot of people are like, I want to be a Shark. I want to be a Diane. I don't know which one I am. Right. Right. We'll talk about that. If you become a paid subscriber, that's how this podcast keeps going.
And our guy-ands. And we will actually, you know, in this episode, we will tell all the new listeners how those names came about. Because a lot of people are like, I want to be a Shark. I want to be a Diane. I don't know which one I am. Right. Right. We'll talk about that. If you become a paid subscriber, that's how this podcast keeps going.
There's of Notre Dame or of the all-girls Catholic school. Oh, I don't know. There's always like... I think this happens in every school. There's going to be nooks and crannies that people go to... To do homo stuff in. To do anything in. Even if you're at like a public co-ed, people are hooking up on campus. So I think like whatever you guys feel safe doing...
There's of Notre Dame or of the all-girls Catholic school. Oh, I don't know. There's always like... I think this happens in every school. There's going to be nooks and crannies that people go to... To do homo stuff in. To do anything in. Even if you're at like a public co-ed, people are hooking up on campus. So I think like whatever you guys feel safe doing...
not for that for the other thing yeah man how i mean i didn't know that when i hear all girls i'm like that's seems interesting it's it was heaven because you guys had there was just never like i just know boy energy is so different than girl energy yeah do you know what i mean like there wasn't it was less chaotic well i'll say this i feel like i was talked over a lot yeah i was and i'm a yapper right i know
not for that for the other thing yeah man how i mean i didn't know that when i hear all girls i'm like that's seems interesting it's it was heaven because you guys had there was just never like i just know boy energy is so different than girl energy yeah do you know what i mean like there wasn't it was less chaotic well i'll say this i feel like i was talked over a lot yeah i was and i'm a yapper right i know
It just feels stinky also. I feel like the classrooms would have been much stinkier.
It just feels stinky also. I feel like the classrooms would have been much stinkier.
I mean like over. Oh, I think you meant like you were crying from how bad it smelled.
I mean like over. Oh, I think you meant like you were crying from how bad it smelled.
We are an independent podcast. It's just us. Oh, yeah. And Leah, obviously. Obviously Leah. Our mommy.
We are an independent podcast. It's just us. Oh, yeah. And Leah, obviously. Obviously Leah. Our mommy.
maybe join a club or a sport after school yes key club is where all the ladies hook up key club what is key club are you serious yeah it's like a national like uh don't start laughing at me it's already sounding like the fuck you the lamest thing literally fuck you wait what is it you're not making keys it's like a um you're volunteering it's a volunteer oh it's cool yeah okay well
maybe join a club or a sport after school yes key club is where all the ladies hook up key club what is key club are you serious yeah it's like a national like uh don't start laughing at me it's already sounding like the fuck you the lamest thing literally fuck you wait what is it you're not making keys it's like a um you're volunteering it's a volunteer oh it's cool yeah okay well
I wouldn't say cool, but it's like a national organization. But you could join other clubs.
I wouldn't say cool, but it's like a national organization. But you could join other clubs.
Or debate. Theater. Theater. Please. And be a tech. Be a theater tech so you're up in the booth all the time. Yeah. Get nice. Or ceramics.
Or debate. Theater. Theater. Please. And be a tech. Be a theater tech so you're up in the booth all the time. Yeah. Get nice. Or ceramics.
So you guys can ghost each other and kind of build things with each other.
So you guys can ghost each other and kind of build things with each other.
There's a lot of different electives you can take with your partner.
There's a lot of different electives you can take with your partner.
I think it is stressful, but you're also in your teenage years. Everything's stressful. Right. Using the restroom at high school is stressful. I didn't.
I think it is stressful, but you're also in your teenage years. Everything's stressful. Right. Using the restroom at high school is stressful. I didn't.
But I didn't even think twice about it. Yeah. But that's a stressor.
But I didn't even think twice about it. Yeah. But that's a stressor.
Oh, don't even get me started. I was hospitalized all the time. Oh, my God. It was always some issue. I was so religious. So were you. But like, you were at a religious school. I was at a religious school, deeply unreligious. I was at an unreligious school, deeply religious.
Oh, don't even get me started. I was hospitalized all the time. Oh, my God. It was always some issue. I was so religious. So were you. But like, you were at a religious school. I was at a religious school, deeply unreligious. I was at an unreligious school, deeply religious.
Yeah, no, I got kicked out multiple times for laughing during chapel. Whoa. I used to go give fake things to the priest. Confessions. Dude. So we had to do public confessions in the middle of the gymnasium.
Yeah, no, I got kicked out multiple times for laughing during chapel. Whoa. I used to go give fake things to the priest. Confessions. Dude. So we had to do public confessions in the middle of the gymnasium.
At school? And I was so bored because it would take hours for every kid to do their thing that I would be like, fuck it. I'm just going to go down and get in line and give them a confession. And I would always give the...
At school? And I was so bored because it would take hours for every kid to do their thing that I would be like, fuck it. I'm just going to go down and get in line and give them a confession. And I would always give the...
So anyways, we're going to miss the studio, but we will go. We'll find a new one.
So anyways, we're going to miss the studio, but we will go. We'll find a new one.
Because there's a little gay twist.
Because there's a little gay twist.
It's going to be gayer. I know that's right. I know that's right. I know that's right.
It's going to be gayer. I know that's right. I know that's right. I know that's right.
Yeah. Stunning. Stunning. It's one of the most stunning movies of the year. Right. I think, you know what's fun? What? I think we finally got the inverse of what usually happens where like all these straight male movies win and they're like fine. Yeah. And then you have like beautiful gay movies that don't win. This was the first year I was like this very beautiful straight movie. Yeah.
Yeah. Stunning. Stunning. It's one of the most stunning movies of the year. Right. I think, you know what's fun? What? I think we finally got the inverse of what usually happens where like all these straight male movies win and they're like fine. Yeah. And then you have like beautiful gay movies that don't win. This was the first year I was like this very beautiful straight movie. Yeah.
Conclave takes Miami. Dude. Yeah. All of them in Miami? Yes. Imagine those sweaty bitches. It's like a Miami Vice conclave.
Conclave takes Miami. Dude. Yeah. All of them in Miami? Yes. Imagine those sweaty bitches. It's like a Miami Vice conclave.
Listen, organized religion is inherently an issue. A major issue. Also, it's suppressed queerness, so it comes out in amazing gowns.
Listen, organized religion is inherently an issue. A major issue. Also, it's suppressed queerness, so it comes out in amazing gowns.
The traditions are gay. Yes, 100%. The traditions, I mean, just swinging that huge thing of insects. That shit's gay.
The traditions are gay. Yes, 100%. The traditions, I mean, just swinging that huge thing of insects. That shit's gay.
Like all of it is so. It's all like. It's so intentional. No, I know. And that's why I'm like, it's so. The conclave is gay. Yeah, conclave is gay. I love a group of men with secrets.
Like all of it is so. It's all like. It's so intentional. No, I know. And that's why I'm like, it's so. The conclave is gay. Yeah, conclave is gay. I love a group of men with secrets.
I thought it was pretty incredible. It was amazing. Yeah. I think in the end I was like, what an amazing message. I loved it. He was also the only person who was like even keel. Yeah. It wasn't ego based. He was our hero. He was a hero. He was our pope hero. He was a pope hero. And I loved this like little secret that he had that was like a almost like his superpower.
I thought it was pretty incredible. It was amazing. Yeah. I think in the end I was like, what an amazing message. I loved it. He was also the only person who was like even keel. Yeah. It wasn't ego based. He was our hero. He was a hero. He was our pope hero. He was a pope hero. And I loved this like little secret that he had that was like a almost like his superpower.
Yeah. Give me one second. Yeah. I will do that before I hit the gay news. But there was actually, I remember so many people sent us that gay news about that Olympic girl who came out. Which sport?
Yeah. Give me one second. Yeah. I will do that before I hit the gay news. But there was actually, I remember so many people sent us that gay news about that Olympic girl who came out. Which sport?
The Pope should be intersexed. I mean, I think people also love queer culture, but don't like queer people. Yeah. And I think that is what's so shitty. Yeah. Is that, like, you love to take different cultures, but we don't want the people.
The Pope should be intersexed. I mean, I think people also love queer culture, but don't like queer people. Yeah. And I think that is what's so shitty. Yeah. Is that, like, you love to take different cultures, but we don't want the people.
Of, like, let's take, take, take. We love what you're doing here. Oh, I love this music. But hate the people.
Of, like, let's take, take, take. We love what you're doing here. Oh, I love this music. But hate the people.
Sad. Horrifying. Yeah. So I'm like, it is very frustrating. Of course, we want to love those people and make those people rise up. Yeah. That would be lovely. Wouldn't it be? Yeah. Wouldn't it change? How many Conclave votes do you give?
Sad. Horrifying. Yeah. So I'm like, it is very frustrating. Of course, we want to love those people and make those people rise up. Yeah. That would be lovely. Wouldn't it be? Yeah. Wouldn't it change? How many Conclave votes do you give?
here for bringing light back to movies and tv shows i can't see it i'm listen game of thrones really started this about a decade a decade ago since game of thrones they were like got it let's make every shot hard to see i can't see anything i'm fucking it doesn't need to be lit by a kenny are you watching paradise i don't even know what that is i have to talk to you after work about it then i just watched a movie the other day i literally had to google i was like is my tv breaking because i couldn't see it i couldn't see i can't see anything
here for bringing light back to movies and tv shows i can't see it i'm listen game of thrones really started this about a decade a decade ago since game of thrones they were like got it let's make every shot hard to see i can't see anything i'm fucking it doesn't need to be lit by a kenny are you watching paradise i don't even know what that is i have to talk to you after work about it then i just watched a movie the other day i literally had to google i was like is my tv breaking because i couldn't see it i couldn't see i can't see anything
I'm just in my head I know they did Behind Closed Doors. Yeah, it is like... I don't have to see it because I know it's happening. Yeah. Here's the thing. I think it's not overtly sexual, but it is a sexual movie. 100%.
I'm just in my head I know they did Behind Closed Doors. Yeah, it is like... I don't have to see it because I know it's happening. Yeah. Here's the thing. I think it's not overtly sexual, but it is a sexual movie. 100%.
Really quickly before we go, I do want to just explain Sharks, Diane's, Cheyenne and the glove rating system because we have a lot of new people that have just started tuning in this year. Also, welcome. Welcome to the pod. Sharks is what we call our fans because you and I We are a subscriber-based podcast. So you guys are literally paying for this podcast. And you are making it.
Really quickly before we go, I do want to just explain Sharks, Diane's, Cheyenne and the glove rating system because we have a lot of new people that have just started tuning in this year. Also, welcome. Welcome to the pod. Sharks is what we call our fans because you and I We are a subscriber-based podcast. So you guys are literally paying for this podcast. And you are making it.
You are our bosses. You are our sharks. So this is a shark tank. We are asking you, do you want to be a part of this?
You are our bosses. You are our sharks. So this is a shark tank. We are asking you, do you want to be a part of this?
Diane. Diane. Diane is just a woman who talks right around here.
Diane. Diane. Diane is just a woman who talks right around here.
that's good yeah yeah it's just a deeper register and we do feel like you know most of our listeners do sound like that yeah our sharks and our dianes and honestly and this is you can be both you can be both you can be neither you can be wondering if one of them affirms your gender more yeah they're also both gender neutral for sure a shark i mean are you you could be a mark cuban you could also be yeah one of the other ones yeah yeah yeah
that's good yeah yeah it's just a deeper register and we do feel like you know most of our listeners do sound like that yeah our sharks and our dianes and honestly and this is you can be both you can be both you can be neither you can be wondering if one of them affirms your gender more yeah they're also both gender neutral for sure a shark i mean are you you could be a mark cuban you could also be yeah one of the other ones yeah yeah yeah
Summer is every single thing. I would say this. It's the sport that you wouldn't think. Or at least for me, it's a sport that's like very hetero. Swimming?
Summer is every single thing. I would say this. It's the sport that you wouldn't think. Or at least for me, it's a sport that's like very hetero. Swimming?
Yeah. And there are people named Cheyenne. Right. So like, listen, take what you want. We are here for all the names. And then also the glove system was because Carol. People don't know the gloves. Yeah. A lot of people don't know why we rate movies by gloves. And it's because Carol, the movie, she left a glove. Right. And that was, I think, our first movie we ever reviewed. Yes.
Yeah. And there are people named Cheyenne. Right. So like, listen, take what you want. We are here for all the names. And then also the glove system was because Carol. People don't know the gloves. Yeah. A lot of people don't know why we rate movies by gloves. And it's because Carol, the movie, she left a glove. Right. And that was, I think, our first movie we ever reviewed. Yes.
Also, we have fucked four times. We fucked four times.
Also, we have fucked four times. We fucked four times.
That's the lore. Anyways, my jeans are too tight, so I gotta go. Right. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. I'm Rachel Scannelly. Go do something gay today. We love you. Bye-bye.
That's the lore. Anyways, my jeans are too tight, so I gotta go. Right. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. I'm Rachel Scannelly. Go do something gay today. We love you. Bye-bye.
Have you ever seen a female swimmer? No. No. Your hair is giving Ace Ventura a pet detective today. Actually, everything on your body is giving Ace Ventura a pet detective.
Have you ever seen a female swimmer? No. No. Your hair is giving Ace Ventura a pet detective today. Actually, everything on your body is giving Ace Ventura a pet detective.
Wait, because this is going to be the last episode before we kind of are never here again. There's one more.
Wait, because this is going to be the last episode before we kind of are never here again. There's one more.
It worries me. Oh, I love that movie. I haven't seen it. Are you serious? Don't tell anyone. Dude, you would love that movie. You would love that movie. It's so good. There are some problematic elements in it now, but it is so good.
It worries me. Oh, I love that movie. I haven't seen it. Are you serious? Don't tell anyone. Dude, you would love that movie. You would love that movie. It's so good. There are some problematic elements in it now, but it is so good.
all me all you okay before i get into gay news because i do have very special gay news and i want you to guess which olympic sport okay this person came out from okay okay but before we get to that i did all feel gay though they all feel gay okay have you ever like do you ever go nipple to nipple with your wife oh so rarely so rarely i just want to say i'm not talking about during sex
all me all you okay before i get into gay news because i do have very special gay news and i want you to guess which olympic sport okay this person came out from okay okay but before we get to that i did all feel gay though they all feel gay okay have you ever like do you ever go nipple to nipple with your wife oh so rarely so rarely i just want to say i'm not talking about during sex
So let me. Or what about the graduation song? As we go on. We remember. So, ladies and gentlethems, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. It's with a heavy heart.
So let me. Or what about the graduation song? As we go on. We remember. So, ladies and gentlethems, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. It's with a heavy heart.
I don't want to tell you. Dude, tell me. I don't want to tell you. What are you up to over there? Listen, wait. This is what I do with my wife. When I need a recharge emotionally and spiritually, I go nip to nip with my wife. And it does feel like the electricity. Two connections of those batteries, which I think is where the patent came from. For sure.
I don't want to tell you. Dude, tell me. I don't want to tell you. What are you up to over there? Listen, wait. This is what I do with my wife. When I need a recharge emotionally and spiritually, I go nip to nip with my wife. And it does feel like the electricity. Two connections of those batteries, which I think is where the patent came from. For sure.
I'm thinking about it physically and there's no point in that. Your heads would be like right here.
I'm thinking about it physically and there's no point in that. Your heads would be like right here.
Hey, let us live. I love you. Let us cook. In gay news. Yeah.
Hey, let us live. I love you. Let us cook. In gay news. Yeah.
Yeah. Guess the sport. So an Olympic, I would say, gold medalist. Yes. Came out this, a couple weeks ago. Now, when this episode comes out.
Yeah. Guess the sport. So an Olympic, I would say, gold medalist. Yes. Came out this, a couple weeks ago. Now, when this episode comes out.
She came out by posting her and her girlfriend. So to me, unclear.
She came out by posting her and her girlfriend. So to me, unclear.
Is she giving femme? You have to guess the sport. I'm not giving any more. There's no more phone-a-friends. There's no more phone-a-dykes. Summer. Is it tennis? Yes. No, but good guess. What is it? It's gymnastics. She's one of the lead gymnastic girls.
Is she giving femme? You have to guess the sport. I'm not giving any more. There's no more phone-a-friends. There's no more phone-a-dykes. Summer. Is it tennis? Yes. No, but good guess. What is it? It's gymnastics. She's one of the lead gymnastic girls.
So this is Olympic gymnastics Jade Carey. She debuted her relationship with her girlfriend, Amy Sinicola. And they're so cute. We'll throw up a picture. Well, Leah will throw up a picture. Thank you, Leah. They're adorable. And I'm so happy to see somebody who is young, who is a good role model for gymnastics. young girls being like, this is my girlfriend.
So this is Olympic gymnastics Jade Carey. She debuted her relationship with her girlfriend, Amy Sinicola. And they're so cute. We'll throw up a picture. Well, Leah will throw up a picture. Thank you, Leah. They're adorable. And I'm so happy to see somebody who is young, who is a good role model for gymnastics. young girls being like, this is my girlfriend.
I can't believe you would fucking out me like that. Hey, something fucked up happened to Rachel's finger. You don't have to show them on this episode because I know this is public. Yeah, and this is for private. And private, we get it.
I can't believe you would fucking out me like that. Hey, something fucked up happened to Rachel's finger. You don't have to show them on this episode because I know this is public. Yeah, and this is for private. And private, we get it.
We get bodily. That's interesting. Okay, we'll talk.
We get bodily. That's interesting. Okay, we'll talk.
All old cunts are gay. Yes. Because why else are you mad at that age? You're mad because you never came out.
All old cunts are gay. Yes. Because why else are you mad at that age? You're mad because you never came out.
That's my... That's a great point. That's my thing.
That's my... That's a great point. That's my thing.
I'm just like, I want them young. Yeah. And I want them to be role models. I think it's exciting time for gymnasts. It always is an exciting time for gymnasts. They're so strong. They're so strong. They're always flipping. They're always doing really fun things. Yeah. I love them.
I'm just like, I want them young. Yeah. And I want them to be role models. I think it's exciting time for gymnasts. It always is an exciting time for gymnasts. They're so strong. They're so strong. They're always flipping. They're always doing really fun things. Yeah. I love them.
No, I know. Day of sometimes they'll release more tickets.
No, I know. Day of sometimes they'll release more tickets.
Then we got May 30th and 31st, we are in Seattle. I cannot wait for that one. We have June 7th, Portland. We have June 12th, Pittsburgh. June 13th, Brooklyn. And we're ending June 14th in Boston. Wow. Boston Celtics.
Then we got May 30th and 31st, we are in Seattle. I cannot wait for that one. We have June 7th, Portland. We have June 12th, Pittsburgh. June 13th, Brooklyn. And we're ending June 14th in Boston. Wow. Boston Celtics.
I don't know anything about that.
I don't know anything about that.
Did you see that Casey Anthony's trying to make a comeback? Shut the fuck up. What? It was about a month ago now. No. Casey Anthony was like... Hey, y'all.
Did you see that Casey Anthony's trying to make a comeback? Shut the fuck up. What? It was about a month ago now. No. Casey Anthony was like... Hey, y'all.
She did. She popped on TikTok and was like. Not on TikTok. On TikTok and was like, I'm doing work, like legal work for, I forget what it was.
She did. She popped on TikTok and was like. Not on TikTok. On TikTok and was like, I'm doing work, like legal work for, I forget what it was.
I don't want to also be divided with the country. You know me. I'm black and white. Yeah. I don't like gray. No. So tell me what happened. Tell me what happened. Jean Benet Ramsey.
I don't want to also be divided with the country. You know me. I'm black and white. Yeah. I don't like gray. No. So tell me what happened. Tell me what happened. Jean Benet Ramsey.
It does feel like a partner who you've already squashed the argument and they're like, and another thing. Yeah. And I'm like, no, no, no. We already figured it out. We already talked about it. We put it to rest.
It does feel like a partner who you've already squashed the argument and they're like, and another thing. Yeah. And I'm like, no, no, no. We already figured it out. We already talked about it. We put it to rest.
For sure.
For sure.
What are some of the trends in the queer community or lesbian specific that you're like, thank God we are not doing this anymore?
What are some of the trends in the queer community or lesbian specific that you're like, thank God we are not doing this anymore?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin.
That is like still happening. You're right.
That is like still happening. You're right.
Or like a rainbow Apple Watch band. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I have seen a lot of older gay men wear those.
Or like a rainbow Apple Watch band. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I have seen a lot of older gay men wear those.
Because they are proud, as they should be. Of course. And they're like showing it off.
Because they are proud, as they should be. Of course. And they're like showing it off.
Because that's also flagging. But there's, I feel like especially queer women, we flag a little bit more subtly.
Because that's also flagging. But there's, I feel like especially queer women, we flag a little bit more subtly.
Agreed. Yeah.
Agreed. Yeah.
I love imagining us sold in containers. Plastic containers. Well, no, sorry, glass. Glass. No plastic in my home. No plastic. No plastic in my home. Hi. It's Earth Day. It's Earth Day? No plastic in my home. I don't go. I don't shop at Target. I don't shop with Amazon. Fuck Starbucks. Fuck Starbucks. Thank you very much.
I love imagining us sold in containers. Plastic containers. Well, no, sorry, glass. Glass. No plastic in my home. No plastic. No plastic in my home. Hi. It's Earth Day. It's Earth Day? No plastic in my home. I don't go. I don't shop at Target. I don't shop with Amazon. Fuck Starbucks. Fuck Starbucks. Thank you very much.
We're happier here. Yeah. Mentally. Exactly.
We're happier here. Yeah. Mentally. Exactly.
Well, they have carabiners for use. They are repelling from mountains. I do think that that's very interesting.
Well, they have carabiners for use. They are repelling from mountains. I do think that that's very interesting.
It's interesting.
It's interesting.
And it's a, that's misogyny or like internalized homophobia where they're almost trying to fit in with their oppressor, which is their dad. Do you know what I mean? It's their father. I like that narrative. Yeah.
And it's a, that's misogyny or like internalized homophobia where they're almost trying to fit in with their oppressor, which is their dad. Do you know what I mean? It's their father. I like that narrative. Yeah.
For sure. I think women in general, they can't go wrong. They're always going to be hot. But I'm like, sometimes I feel like they're really trying to be almost sucking up to the male gaze in other scenarios, in other cultures.
For sure. I think women in general, they can't go wrong. They're always going to be hot. But I'm like, sometimes I feel like they're really trying to be almost sucking up to the male gaze in other scenarios, in other cultures.
I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
So we are evolving.
So we are evolving.
It might be that we're just getting older. I do want to ask this question that came in from Emily Ranch. Oh. Because this one is still fashion and bodies.
It might be that we're just getting older. I do want to ask this question that came in from Emily Ranch. Oh. Because this one is still fashion and bodies.
Right away. Okay.
Right away. Okay.
So like for this person specifically, would you say going with a thicker fabric, like a jean or something that would...
So like for this person specifically, would you say going with a thicker fabric, like a jean or something that would...
I'm looking to be warm at all times.
I'm looking to be warm at all times.
That's also sectioning off the body to like really make the eye go down as well. So do you think when you are curvier and you have bigger hips, bigger butt, you would go with a bigger pant?
That's also sectioning off the body to like really make the eye go down as well. So do you think when you are curvier and you have bigger hips, bigger butt, you would go with a bigger pant?
I didn't know what it was from.
I didn't know what it was from.
I'm so happy to have you on. This is really helping me. I sent this in. I sent this ask that I did. Me, no tits.
I'm so happy to have you on. This is really helping me. I sent this in. I sent this ask that I did. Me, no tits.
You do dress like a man who dances at the Abbey.
You do dress like a man who dances at the Abbey.
Because we're not for the male gaze. Right. So we're like wearing boyfriend shirts.
Because we're not for the male gaze. Right. So we're like wearing boyfriend shirts.
We're not wearing like boosties.
We're not wearing like boosties.
This is my butch era.
This is my butch era.
This is my everyday shoe.
This is my everyday shoe.
Okay. These are my dirty pair, too. Thank you. I can't tell when people are like, good or bad. No, good. Okay, great. Tense. Air Force One is a power move. Thank you. I wanted to ask, because you were just like, wear what makes you feel sexy. What was the first thing that you were like, this is the outfit or this is the jacket or pants that make me feel sexy?
Okay. These are my dirty pair, too. Thank you. I can't tell when people are like, good or bad. No, good. Okay, great. Tense. Air Force One is a power move. Thank you. I wanted to ask, because you were just like, wear what makes you feel sexy. What was the first thing that you were like, this is the outfit or this is the jacket or pants that make me feel sexy?
Tell me something. We have an amazing guest today. We have Jade Fox on the pod. And this was such a fun interview. She's amazing. She's amazing. She has a lifestyle and entertainment channel where she talks about everything. Gay culture, pop culture, fashion. She's an amazing guest. Please stay tuned for that.
Tell me something. We have an amazing guest today. We have Jade Fox on the pod. And this was such a fun interview. She's amazing. She's amazing. She has a lifestyle and entertainment channel where she talks about everything. Gay culture, pop culture, fashion. She's an amazing guest. Please stay tuned for that.
One more ask a dyke. You know what? Let me flip this to the side and be cool.
One more ask a dyke. You know what? Let me flip this to the side and be cool.
Why? Who said that?
Why? Who said that?
People are always getting mad at Gucci.
People are always getting mad at Gucci.
We'd be naked, cooking chicken, upset. Yeah. Yes. Okay. Ask a dyke. Hey Dykes, I've only been out for a short period of time and I'm deep in that second puberty and drowning. I'm definitely a woman. I don't feel non-binary. Okay, got it. You don't have to tell me. I use she, her pronouns and that feels right for me.
We'd be naked, cooking chicken, upset. Yeah. Yes. Okay. Ask a dyke. Hey Dykes, I've only been out for a short period of time and I'm deep in that second puberty and drowning. I'm definitely a woman. I don't feel non-binary. Okay, got it. You don't have to tell me. I use she, her pronouns and that feels right for me.
But when it comes to fashion, some days I feel super masc, but I also have pink hair in a short French bob shag. Bob Shagg. The Shagg is here.
But when it comes to fashion, some days I feel super masc, but I also have pink hair in a short French bob shag. Bob Shagg. The Shagg is here.
I only feel comfortable in one stupid wolf shirt that I own. I own four of them. Every time I try to dress up, I feel dysphoric. I feel like a kid wearing their dad's shoes. Like everyone can see that they don't fit. Like my clothes don't fit my personality. Please help me. Sapphic in Seattle.
I only feel comfortable in one stupid wolf shirt that I own. I own four of them. Every time I try to dress up, I feel dysphoric. I feel like a kid wearing their dad's shoes. Like everyone can see that they don't fit. Like my clothes don't fit my personality. Please help me. Sapphic in Seattle.
That's amazing.
That's amazing.
Those shows in Seattle pop off.
Those shows in Seattle pop off.
Oh my God. I feel like I relate to this person a little bit because for the longest time I was only wearing band shirts. Yeah. Do you remember?
Oh my God. I feel like I relate to this person a little bit because for the longest time I was only wearing band shirts. Yeah. Do you remember?
The only thing I could wear because it's the only thing that made me feel comfortable and not restricted and feeling like, yeah, I was in something that didn't fit my size. So I also have this question.
The only thing I could wear because it's the only thing that made me feel comfortable and not restricted and feeling like, yeah, I was in something that didn't fit my size. So I also have this question.
They're so fun.
They're so fun.
Wait, I remember that last time.
Wait, I remember that last time.
So you're saying silhouette, start up here.
So you're saying silhouette, start up here.
Well, clothes are so expensive. I can't afford to go out and have a shopping spree. No. You know, I'm not buying.
Well, clothes are so expensive. I can't afford to go out and have a shopping spree. No. You know, I'm not buying.
Yeah. And ask your friends. Do you ever like poll your friends? Never. They're polling you.
Yeah. And ask your friends. Do you ever like poll your friends? Never. They're polling you.
Pennsylvania. At the Improv. Then we have June 13th. We're in Brooklyn at the Bell House. Those shows are so fun. Yep. And then we end the tour June 14th in Boston at the Wilbur. Wow. Which is huge. Huge and like. We love Boston. We stan Boston.
Pennsylvania. At the Improv. Then we have June 13th. We're in Brooklyn at the Bell House. Those shows are so fun. Yep. And then we end the tour June 14th in Boston at the Wilbur. Wow. Which is huge. Huge and like. We love Boston. We stan Boston.
I love a white tee. I feel like it should be in everyone's closet. I have like 16 of them and I just go through them. Yeah.
I love a white tee. I feel like it should be in everyone's closet. I have like 16 of them and I just go through them. Yeah.
Make sure those pits are clean.
Make sure those pits are clean.
Yeah, but it's also for the queer community and it's for things that you're passionate about. It's not you being like. here's what I did today. It's like, you are doing things that actually help the queer community.
Yeah, but it's also for the queer community and it's for things that you're passionate about. It's not you being like. here's what I did today. It's like, you are doing things that actually help the queer community.
And I'm like, hell yeah, that, but that's the best. Do you have people from, uh, growing up that slide into your DMS and are like, I never thought you'd do it, but I'm so proud of you.
And I'm like, hell yeah, that, but that's the best. Do you have people from, uh, growing up that slide into your DMS and are like, I never thought you'd do it, but I'm so proud of you.
Like, it's mostly that. Are you serious?
Like, it's mostly that. Are you serious?
I have a sausage business?
I have a sausage business?
How dare he? Incredible. I was like, read the room. Read the room. Sausage.
How dare he? Incredible. I was like, read the room. Read the room. Sausage.
Can you post it? Get out of here. I will only, I'll promote any queer person that ever needs it.
Can you post it? Get out of here. I will only, I'll promote any queer person that ever needs it.
But a man, a straight man. And meat.
But a man, a straight man. And meat.
So a bumble fumble is a bad dating story or sex mishap. So if you've ever been on a first date and it went super awry.
So a bumble fumble is a bad dating story or sex mishap. So if you've ever been on a first date and it went super awry.
I also, I also, I didn't know. I didn't know. We were kissing and when I pulled away, she was, there was blood everywhere. And I was like, oh my God, you're bleeding. And then it was me. I was bleeding. Mackenzie was bleeding. I'm bleeding. You didn't feel that? No.
I also, I also, I didn't know. I didn't know. We were kissing and when I pulled away, she was, there was blood everywhere. And I was like, oh my God, you're bleeding. And then it was me. I was bleeding. Mackenzie was bleeding. I'm bleeding. You didn't feel that? No.
It probably is. As the whitest person in the room, I'm sure it is.
It probably is. As the whitest person in the room, I'm sure it is.
If you have a bumble fumble or any type of bad dating story, feel free to say.
If you have a bumble fumble or any type of bad dating story, feel free to say.
They have been amazing. Like, what is that? And I feel like there's something that happened that I just want to tease it because it comes out in next week's episode, the private episode. Something happened when we were on tour. Between Mackenzie and I that... I feel like the Sharks and Diane's are going to really – well, they'll know because they're going to listen.
They have been amazing. Like, what is that? And I feel like there's something that happened that I just want to tease it because it comes out in next week's episode, the private episode. Something happened when we were on tour. Between Mackenzie and I that... I feel like the Sharks and Diane's are going to really – well, they'll know because they're going to listen.
Oh. I'm also 33.
Oh. I'm also 33.
At 21, you're always like the biggest one. Yeah. You're like, give me that. The one way up there. That is like the U.S. Do you know what the challenge one? The American challenge. The American challenge. The great American challenge, I think.
At 21, you're always like the biggest one. Yeah. You're like, give me that. The one way up there. That is like the U.S. Do you know what the challenge one? The American challenge. The American challenge. The great American challenge, I think.
That is so funny. And yeah.
That is so funny. And yeah.
Open communication. We love feedback. But being early 20s, there's no feedback. Yeah, there is no feedback. It is what it is. And I'm good. And you're like, I did it.
Open communication. We love feedback. But being early 20s, there's no feedback. Yeah, there is no feedback. It is what it is. And I'm good. And you're like, I did it.
Something happened between us that has only happened twice before.
Something happened between us that has only happened twice before.
That is the funniest story I've ever heard on this pod.
That is the funniest story I've ever heard on this pod.
Yeah, you really did it. Thank God you came on this pod.
Yeah, you really did it. Thank God you came on this pod.
Mine are multi.
Mine are multi.
Okay. I like a color, a multicolor, almost like a Dr. Seuss. Like a rocket pop. Yeah. Fun. Yeah. It makes it less serious. And I think that's what I like about it.
Okay. I like a color, a multicolor, almost like a Dr. Seuss. Like a rocket pop. Yeah. Fun. Yeah. It makes it less serious. And I think that's what I like about it.
Yeah. I think that's what I mean. It's like it makes it a little less like penis-y and more like this is a toy that we're using. Yeah.
Yeah. I think that's what I mean. It's like it makes it a little less like penis-y and more like this is a toy that we're using. Yeah.
On my channel, Jade Fox. At I am Jade Fox. I'm going to flash that up. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. I'm Rachel Scanlon Lee.
On my channel, Jade Fox. At I am Jade Fox. I'm going to flash that up. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. I'm Rachel Scanlon Lee.
You guys go see this show. It is so... First off, Largo, the venue is amazing. And then Rachel has her new hour, which is... One of my personal favorite things to see is you do comedy.
You guys go see this show. It is so... First off, Largo, the venue is amazing. And then Rachel has her new hour, which is... One of my personal favorite things to see is you do comedy.
How the fuck are you, dude? I'm really good. I've obviously been hanging out with you a lot, so vibes are good.
How the fuck are you, dude? I'm really good. I've obviously been hanging out with you a lot, so vibes are good.
Energy's high. You look good. I'm masc. I love when you're masc. You showed up. You pulled up to my house today and I went, masc Kenny's here. I wish I could show them. I'm butch today. I love when you're butch. It's femme trying to be butch. It's so funny. Am I butch today? But I have an update that I want to share with everyone. Please.
Energy's high. You look good. I'm masc. I love when you're masc. You showed up. You pulled up to my house today and I went, masc Kenny's here. I wish I could show them. I'm butch today. I love when you're butch. It's femme trying to be butch. It's so funny. Am I butch today? But I have an update that I want to share with everyone. Please.
Okay, so I, as you know, I write a lot and I've always wanted to direct a movie. And I'm finally, I have written and will be directing my first feature film. Dude, this is so fucking cool. It's happening. Dude, I'm so proud of you. Thank you so much. It's something that I've been working on forever. As you know, like even when we tour, I'm always like typing away. I'm writing.
Okay, so I, as you know, I write a lot and I've always wanted to direct a movie. And I'm finally, I have written and will be directing my first feature film. Dude, this is so fucking cool. It's happening. Dude, I'm so proud of you. Thank you so much. It's something that I've been working on forever. As you know, like even when we tour, I'm always like typing away. I'm writing.
This one really did come from my heart. And it's so it's called Meeting Marsha. And it's almost like a meet the parents, a lesbian version of meet the parents where you have this protagonist who is meeting parents, but the parent is her biological mother. Oh, wow. So while she's trying to propose to her girlfriend, she also is like, I have to meet my bio mom for the first time. Oh, my God.
This one really did come from my heart. And it's so it's called Meeting Marsha. And it's almost like a meet the parents, a lesbian version of meet the parents where you have this protagonist who is meeting parents, but the parent is her biological mother. Oh, wow. So while she's trying to propose to her girlfriend, she also is like, I have to meet my bio mom for the first time. Oh, my God.
So it is a comedy. It's fun. It's gay. It's supposed to be this beautiful weekend. And it turns out to be more of a nightmare than you could have ever imagined. It's amazing.
So it is a comedy. It's fun. It's gay. It's supposed to be this beautiful weekend. And it turns out to be more of a nightmare than you could have ever imagined. It's amazing.
And you know me. If I put my mind to it. I know.
And you know me. If I put my mind to it. I know.
It means so much to me. And I feel like this is what I like about it is that it's made by a queer person for queer people. It has electricity.
It means so much to me. And I feel like this is what I like about it is that it's made by a queer person for queer people. It has electricity.
You better believe I'm going to try to get full frontal in there. Please. I'm praying. Praying to God it happens. We'll see if it happens. I'm hoping it's you. I write in just Rachel Scanlon cameo.
You better believe I'm going to try to get full frontal in there. Please. I'm praying. Praying to God it happens. We'll see if it happens. I'm hoping it's you. I write in just Rachel Scanlon cameo.
Has nothing to do with the script.
Has nothing to do with the script.
It's not a no.
It's not a no.
You know I'm in. But I'm trying to think of what else. I mean, I'll have everything on the website if you guys want to learn more. I don't want to take up too much time here. But the only thing is, is that I can't do it alone. So I have, I'm going to make a Kickstarter and I know that sucks, but I'm like, movies are expensive and I cannot, I literally can't do it by myself.
You know I'm in. But I'm trying to think of what else. I mean, I'll have everything on the website if you guys want to learn more. I don't want to take up too much time here. But the only thing is, is that I can't do it alone. So I have, I'm going to make a Kickstarter and I know that sucks, but I'm like, movies are expensive and I cannot, I literally can't do it by myself.
And I don't want it shot on an iPhone. Right. So I'm like, I want to make something that we can all be proud of. I can be proud of. The queer community can be proud of and make it good. Yes. So I'm going to have the link. You guys can go see what it's about. See if you want to donate anything. It's going to be amazing.
And I don't want it shot on an iPhone. Right. So I'm like, I want to make something that we can all be proud of. I can be proud of. The queer community can be proud of and make it good. Yes. So I'm going to have the link. You guys can go see what it's about. See if you want to donate anything. It's going to be amazing.
Here goes my hero.
Here goes my hero.
Watch him as he... Dude, shut up. That's you right now. That's how I feel about you. Every time you're listing your cities, I'm like, this is... I mean, we've come so far. And I know we talked about this off pod of like, we started at this dive bar. Yeah. And like, we both off camera would always be like, this is what I want to do. This is what I want to do. And like, we really are there.
Watch him as he... Dude, shut up. That's you right now. That's how I feel about you. Every time you're listing your cities, I'm like, this is... I mean, we've come so far. And I know we talked about this off pod of like, we started at this dive bar. Yeah. And like, we both off camera would always be like, this is what I want to do. This is what I want to do. And like, we really are there.
This is incredible.
This is incredible.
They're so fun. The vibes are amazing. We had two people come up to us at our last Denver show and we're like, we met at your show and we are now married. You guys, you might meet your partner.
They're so fun. The vibes are amazing. We had two people come up to us at our last Denver show and we're like, we met at your show and we are now married. You guys, you might meet your partner.
I could not agree more with you. Like, having a community that are together. I feel like, especially when we're on the road and we're meeting these people, IRL, these Diane's and Sharks, we're meeting you guys in person. And I'm like, oh, you fucking get me. You fucking get us. The meet and greet in D.C., I was like, you guys fucking get it. We left D.C., you guys...
I could not agree more with you. Like, having a community that are together. I feel like, especially when we're on the road and we're meeting these people, IRL, these Diane's and Sharks, we're meeting you guys in person. And I'm like, oh, you fucking get me. You fucking get us. The meet and greet in D.C., I was like, you guys fucking get it. We left D.C., you guys...
The DC meet and greet was one of the best we've ever had. I was like, oh, these people are like actual people I would fuck with.
The DC meet and greet was one of the best we've ever had. I was like, oh, these people are like actual people I would fuck with.
I want to hang out IRL. Same with Matt. I mean.
I want to hang out IRL. Same with Matt. I mean.
I have to say I feel like we're getting in our flow state with all of our sharks and Diane's in the sense of like we are friends.
I have to say I feel like we're getting in our flow state with all of our sharks and Diane's in the sense of like we are friends.
Oh, my God. We have so many good episodes coming up soon.
Oh, my God. We have so many good episodes coming up soon.
It's literally all about you.
It's literally all about you.
Full frontal.
Full frontal.
Turns out I love fashion. I love Jade. I love stay around for the bumble fumble at the end. Incredible bumble fumble. You guys, please put your ears together for Jade Fox. Okay.
Turns out I love fashion. I love Jade. I love stay around for the bumble fumble at the end. Incredible bumble fumble. You guys, please put your ears together for Jade Fox. Okay.
I remember telling you that one thing that I had heard from like,
I remember telling you that one thing that I had heard from like,
Chanel or Gandhi I forget who it was but it was like when you look in the mirror you take off one accessory and I do the exact opposite right before I leave I go how about one more necklace yeah one more pinky ring how are you on accessories what do you think more I mean I feel like that's a lesbian thing though is as many rings a lot of bracelets a lot like this is an egregious amount of jewelry I love it I have like eight earring different types of earrings you sure do yeah
Chanel or Gandhi I forget who it was but it was like when you look in the mirror you take off one accessory and I do the exact opposite right before I leave I go how about one more necklace yeah one more pinky ring how are you on accessories what do you think more I mean I feel like that's a lesbian thing though is as many rings a lot of bracelets a lot like this is an egregious amount of jewelry I love it I have like eight earring different types of earrings you sure do yeah
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlan.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlan.
Exactly. Actually, a fedora at any time is the wrong time. I agree. Let's just be clear.
Exactly. Actually, a fedora at any time is the wrong time. I agree. Let's just be clear.
Even at the recent party that we went to, we both looked like we worked the event.
Even at the recent party that we went to, we both looked like we worked the event.
I was like, shit. How do we as uncool lesbos. Yeah. How do we dress for events like that?
I was like, shit. How do we as uncool lesbos. Yeah. How do we dress for events like that?
Well, so let's say should I wear like a Hello Kitty T-shirt under a suit jacket? Love that.
Well, so let's say should I wear like a Hello Kitty T-shirt under a suit jacket? Love that.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes. Yeah.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes. Yeah.
When I met my wife's mom, I remember, and I wasn't connecting to, I'm like, what is this? What is this? Hand obsession. I'm watching her mom cooking, and I'm like, damn, I want to hold those hands. Yeah.
When I met my wife's mom, I remember, and I wasn't connecting to, I'm like, what is this? What is this? Hand obsession. I'm watching her mom cooking, and I'm like, damn, I want to hold those hands. Yeah.
i love that yeah for sure but you're looking at very similar traits you're looking at like absolutely a lot of times you're looking at a shared gene pool of the person that you are so in love with that you're like all you want to do is spend time with them and you're looking up and i'm like you get this i'm looking at the same being yeah it's very hot that is hot yeah like dad dad is like sitting there kind of quietly and just like small movements of his face and you're like
i love that yeah for sure but you're looking at very similar traits you're looking at like absolutely a lot of times you're looking at a shared gene pool of the person that you are so in love with that you're like all you want to do is spend time with them and you're looking up and i'm like you get this i'm looking at the same being yeah it's very hot that is hot yeah like dad dad is like sitting there kind of quietly and just like small movements of his face and you're like
Hot, so you know how to speak the language.
Hot, so you know how to speak the language.
You're like, cite your sources.
You're like, cite your sources.
Unfolding bifocals for the prop.
Unfolding bifocals for the prop.
Yeah. I feel like you'll understand. Do you ever feel like... I personally feel like one of my biggest complaints about myself is that I exclusively will hit on people's moms.
Yeah. I feel like you'll understand. Do you ever feel like... I personally feel like one of my biggest complaints about myself is that I exclusively will hit on people's moms.
That's what I'm saying.
That's what I'm saying.
No, I feel like when you met your wife's family, do you think that they liked you right away? Or do you feel like you had to earn it? Because every family shows love differently. My family very quickly will love people and be like, you're great, you're family. If Rachel likes you, we like you.
No, I feel like when you met your wife's family, do you think that they liked you right away? Or do you feel like you had to earn it? Because every family shows love differently. My family very quickly will love people and be like, you're great, you're family. If Rachel likes you, we like you.
I still had to, though. I had to earn Nazar's parents in a huge way.
I still had to, though. I had to earn Nazar's parents in a huge way.
Yeah, it's the now Timothée's have kind of reinvented it. But you know what? Timothée seems too clean. He looks like he's pretending to be dirty, but we know for sure he has a bidet. Did you see him though with a blonde wig?
Yeah, it's the now Timothée's have kind of reinvented it. But you know what? Timothée seems too clean. He looks like he's pretending to be dirty, but we know for sure he has a bidet. Did you see him though with a blonde wig?
For sure. Great point.
For sure. Great point.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I had a harder time to put. Yeah. I think sometimes, too, if the families are more inherently homophobic, and so many of them are, then you do have to almost... Yeah, I feel like I had to almost, like... I think my wife's family had to put me into a polite young man category in order to feel like they could get there. And for me... But it's working. It's absolutely working.
So I had a harder time to put. Yeah. I think sometimes, too, if the families are more inherently homophobic, and so many of them are, then you do have to almost... Yeah, I feel like I had to almost, like... I think my wife's family had to put me into a polite young man category in order to feel like they could get there. And for me... But it's working. It's absolutely working.
I mean, because for me, any type of... I don't feel gender unaffirmed by many things, so I'm kind of down for it. But for her... Her family very much is like, if I'm in public, she'll sometimes he-him me to other people in the community. And I think it has just been, like, such an easier, it has, like, sky, it's sped up everything to be like, all right, however it works for you.
I mean, because for me, any type of... I don't feel gender unaffirmed by many things, so I'm kind of down for it. But for her... Her family very much is like, if I'm in public, she'll sometimes he-him me to other people in the community. And I think it has just been, like, such an easier, it has, like, sky, it's sped up everything to be like, all right, however it works for you.
I'll be your pretty little boy.
I'll be your pretty little boy.
I think that is also, like, a very great point of, like... I think sometimes you don't realize with older, the older generation you go, right? A lot of people are like, have you come out to your grandma? Have you come out to your grandpa? It's like, I'm never going to sit down and need, I also, I don't need to, I don't need the nuance of like, I'm not the man. Right.
I think that is also, like, a very great point of, like... I think sometimes you don't realize with older, the older generation you go, right? A lot of people are like, have you come out to your grandma? Have you come out to your grandpa? It's like, I'm never going to sit down and need, I also, I don't need to, I don't need the nuance of like, I'm not the man. Right.
So less important than like, let's keep this positive train moving. And even just for self-preservation purposes. Big time.
So less important than like, let's keep this positive train moving. And even just for self-preservation purposes. Big time.
and not even for the sake of them, but for the sake of your own, you'll never forget the first reaction you get. So let them soak on it so that you don't have to. You don't have to soak on it.
and not even for the sake of them, but for the sake of your own, you'll never forget the first reaction you get. So let them soak on it so that you don't have to. You don't have to soak on it.
Yes, 100%.
Yes, 100%.
Frick.
Frick.
They're smashed.
They're smashed.
Well, also sometimes too, queer people will be, I know a lot of gay people that have much more accepting communities around them that when they came out and then the answer was, well, we all knew. And then they hate that too. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well, I don't fucking like that one either. I see. It's hard to... I don't fucking like that one either.
Well, also sometimes too, queer people will be, I know a lot of gay people that have much more accepting communities around them that when they came out and then the answer was, well, we all knew. And then they hate that too. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well, I don't fucking like that one either. I see. It's hard to... I don't fucking like that one either.
I feel like a twinkle boy.
I feel like a twinkle boy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, also the way that straight people too are like, so the only way that gayness occurs is you couldn't get a single man in your town. Last. And then you find. Last choice. Then I guess you'll be with a woman. But this also kind of similarly goes into, and we talk about this kind of a lot on the podcast, how like, I feel like there's only one way to be hot in the straight world. Yes.
Well, also the way that straight people too are like, so the only way that gayness occurs is you couldn't get a single man in your town. Last. And then you find. Last choice. Then I guess you'll be with a woman. But this also kind of similarly goes into, and we talk about this kind of a lot on the podcast, how like, I feel like there's only one way to be hot in the straight world. Yes.
And we know what it is. And like, if you don't conform to that, like. It sucks. Whereas, like, hotness in the queer world, there are so many ways to be hot. And I have, like, I don't think a lot of people in my family or where I'm from have any idea that, like, my haircut is very attractive to some people. Like, some people within the queer community.
And we know what it is. And like, if you don't conform to that, like. It sucks. Whereas, like, hotness in the queer world, there are so many ways to be hot. And I have, like, I don't think a lot of people in my family or where I'm from have any idea that, like, my haircut is very attractive to some people. Like, some people within the queer community.
I want the record to show this is my favorite conversation we've ever had on this podcast.
I want the record to show this is my favorite conversation we've ever had on this podcast.
I think you're very objectively hot. Thank you. I feel that as well. I think there is a very damaged straight woman who themselves had to, okay, me, they, them, straight community, had to take their... they had to, it was like enforced on them. So then when people don't do it, it makes this thing in them go like, you're ugly, actually. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm trying to get to?
I think you're very objectively hot. Thank you. I feel that as well. I think there is a very damaged straight woman who themselves had to, okay, me, they, them, straight community, had to take their... they had to, it was like enforced on them. So then when people don't do it, it makes this thing in them go like, you're ugly, actually. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm trying to get to?
I'm so glad that you asked. Yeah, you're going on the road, right? Yeah, I'm going on the road. I've already sold out Minneapolis and Boston. Woo, woo. And I also am going to be hitting up Portland, Maine, January 17th through 18th, which I believe is like next week. Oh my God, it is. And that's a smaller venue, so the tickets are going quick. Oh my God, it is. And then I'll be in Brooklyn.
I'm so glad that you asked. Yeah, you're going on the road, right? Yeah, I'm going on the road. I've already sold out Minneapolis and Boston. Woo, woo. And I also am going to be hitting up Portland, Maine, January 17th through 18th, which I believe is like next week. Oh my God, it is. And that's a smaller venue, so the tickets are going quick. Oh my God, it is. And then I'll be in Brooklyn.
Where they can't, they've been pushed so far down within the confines of what's hot for straight people. I think that it's not what they think, it's what they think other people might think. For sure, for sure.
Where they can't, they've been pushed so far down within the confines of what's hot for straight people. I think that it's not what they think, it's what they think other people might think. For sure, for sure.
uh-oh yeah oh something is yeah yes happening betwixt my legs for sure but i have to outwardly be like i don't like this yes but i think it's one of my most favorite things about the queer community is how there are so many facets of things that are attractive yeah that are you just there's not the counterpart in the straight world and it makes me sad everyone's hot Everyone who's gay is hot.
uh-oh yeah oh something is yeah yes happening betwixt my legs for sure but i have to outwardly be like i don't like this yes but i think it's one of my most favorite things about the queer community is how there are so many facets of things that are attractive yeah that are you just there's not the counterpart in the straight world and it makes me sad everyone's hot Everyone who's gay is hot.
Fuck.
Fuck.
I will be taking my wife and her sister ice fishing.
I will be taking my wife and her sister ice fishing.
Hey, don't do that. You guys are not going to love that.
Hey, don't do that. You guys are not going to love that.
Yeah. Did you ever do that in the Midwest? Uh-uh. Oh, my God. Wait, where are you from one more time? Ohio. Yeah. O-H-I-O. We love it. For sure. Did you hit your hometown on tour? No. Oh.
Yeah. Did you ever do that in the Midwest? Uh-uh. Oh, my God. Wait, where are you from one more time? Ohio. Yeah. O-H-I-O. We love it. For sure. Did you hit your hometown on tour? No. Oh.
Give me Milwaukee, Cincinnati. Denver. Yep. Yeah. You know the ones. St. Louis. Those are some of the coolest. Salt Lake City. Fucking rocks. Goes on hard. Holy shit. No, B-City's the best. You ever been to the Great Salt Lake, though? The Great Salt Lake.
Give me Milwaukee, Cincinnati. Denver. Yep. Yeah. You know the ones. St. Louis. Those are some of the coolest. Salt Lake City. Fucking rocks. Goes on hard. Holy shit. No, B-City's the best. You ever been to the Great Salt Lake, though? The Great Salt Lake.
I mean, we're too busy.
I mean, we're too busy.
Stinky. Did you enjoy when you were on the road because your music rocks and people get to enjoy it?
Stinky. Did you enjoy when you were on the road because your music rocks and people get to enjoy it?
Shout out, Lauren. February 1st, then February 2nd, Philadelphia. I think I'm going to bring the wife.
Shout out, Lauren. February 1st, then February 2nd, Philadelphia. I think I'm going to bring the wife.
That fucking rocks. That was really good. Wait, I wanted to ask, at your shows, are people moshing like they used to?
That fucking rocks. That was really good. Wait, I wanted to ask, at your shows, are people moshing like they used to?
That was crazy. It was packed. That was fun. That was crazy.
That was crazy. It was packed. That was fun. That was crazy.
They were. They were getting into it. They were getting into it. And I'm wondering if it's on every city. A very horny vibe.
They were. They were getting into it. They were getting into it. And I'm wondering if it's on every city. A very horny vibe.
People wanting to touch. Yeah, but that's because ER is there. Yeah, for sure. Come on. For sure.
People wanting to touch. Yeah, but that's because ER is there. Yeah, for sure. Come on. For sure.
Yeah, I'm trying to see that mouse.
Yeah, I'm trying to see that mouse.
That's the dream.
That's the dream.
The dream is you were waiting in a march line. You guys locked eyes and then railed instead of buying a T-shirt in the bathroom. Well, still buy the T-shirt.
The dream is you were waiting in a march line. You guys locked eyes and then railed instead of buying a T-shirt in the bathroom. Well, still buy the T-shirt.
That's the whole dream.
That's the whole dream.
And if you guys have an Ask a Dyke or a Bumble Fumble and you want to send it in, you can print it, laminate it, shove it up your ass, and then we'll get it. Great.
And if you guys have an Ask a Dyke or a Bumble Fumble and you want to send it in, you can print it, laminate it, shove it up your ass, and then we'll get it. Great.
You're going to take a lover. Take a lover in Philly. It's Nazara.
You're going to take a lover. Take a lover in Philly. It's Nazara.
Great question.
Great question.
She takes me.
She takes me.
Yeah, she does. I'm honestly scared for me. Yeah. I don't know why straight people are always like, don't marry the best sex of your life. Have you heard that from straight people? That's a crazy take. Okay, but have you heard that?
Yeah, she does. I'm honestly scared for me. Yeah. I don't know why straight people are always like, don't marry the best sex of your life. Have you heard that from straight people? That's a crazy take. Okay, but have you heard that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Or even I'm hearing a little bit of like it sounds like this caller is very comfortable with. really wanting to please, which is an incredible place to start.
Or even I'm hearing a little bit of like it sounds like this caller is very comfortable with. really wanting to please, which is an incredible place to start.
The take is, because I watch a lot of straight reality TV.
The take is, because I watch a lot of straight reality TV.
We just had a guest say that. And that is the truth. And that is the truth.
We just had a guest say that. And that is the truth. And that is the truth.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes. I also feel like for me personally, I had a long stretch when I... like a middle stretch, I started having sex closeted, I came out, I really only saw, I had no queer friends, I had nothing to see, and then I figured like, if I'm kind of this plaything for straight people to try on, I guess my personal,
Yes. I also feel like for me personally, I had a long stretch when I... like a middle stretch, I started having sex closeted, I came out, I really only saw, I had no queer friends, I had nothing to see, and then I figured like, if I'm kind of this plaything for straight people to try on, I guess my personal,
Okay, they'll be like, you don't marry the best sex of your life.
Okay, they'll be like, you don't marry the best sex of your life.
like, enjoyment of sex is, like, the doing of the sex and a lot less of the... I, for the longest time, was like, I'm a service top by... And that's all really the only facet that I was, like, flexing.
like, enjoyment of sex is, like, the doing of the sex and a lot less of the... I, for the longest time, was like, I'm a service top by... And that's all really the only facet that I was, like, flexing.
And it wasn't until, like, later on in my queerness having gay friends, having people that weren't just trying to sleep with me, like, having more relationships with people who are out or at least have, like, kind of already figured their shit out that then I realized that, like, there is, like, a lot more...
And it wasn't until, like, later on in my queerness having gay friends, having people that weren't just trying to sleep with me, like, having more relationships with people who are out or at least have, like, kind of already figured their shit out that then I realized that, like, there is, like, a lot more...
Enjoyment through... Like, I think true... My favorite topness about myself is my vulnerability with the partners that I've had and that I have landed with now, where I'm able to... I think what is, like, the most toppy thing is, like, being able to enjoy it to its peak in every aspect of it. You know what I'm saying?
Enjoyment through... Like, I think true... My favorite topness about myself is my vulnerability with the partners that I've had and that I have landed with now, where I'm able to... I think what is, like, the most toppy thing is, like, being able to enjoy it to its peak in every aspect of it. You know what I'm saying?
That's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Yes, there. Yeah. There it is.
Yes, there. Yeah. There it is.
Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah, I think the advice for this person is, is to think less about how to portray to somebody else that you're a top and more about maybe even just like getting more comfortable in like, the way that you feel with somebody else?
Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah, I think the advice for this person is, is to think less about how to portray to somebody else that you're a top and more about maybe even just like getting more comfortable in like, the way that you feel with somebody else?
Yeah. But great question.
Yeah. But great question.
9-1-1. Help me talk. Hello, operator. They will arrest you. I have a thirsty bottom. Can you help me?
9-1-1. Help me talk. Hello, operator. They will arrest you. I have a thirsty bottom. Can you help me?
Yeah. And I think co-workers are the best people to sleep with.
Yeah. And I think co-workers are the best people to sleep with.
Yes.
Yes.
Plus, also, there's nothing hotter than being like, ugh, Trish in accounting. What a bitch. Yeah, yeah. Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Plus, also, there's nothing hotter than being like, ugh, Trish in accounting. What a bitch. Yeah, yeah. Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love dating coworkers. It's just weird that this one never happened.
I love dating coworkers. It's just weird that this one never happened.
Just friends the whole time. Oh, us?
Just friends the whole time. Oh, us?
Well, I assumed that she was the whole time. I think there's several years where I thought she was trying to have sex with me.
Well, I assumed that she was the whole time. I think there's several years where I thought she was trying to have sex with me.
And turns out, wanted to launch a business. There's nothing gayer than starting an LLC with your best friend.
And turns out, wanted to launch a business. There's nothing gayer than starting an LLC with your best friend.
Let's peak gay. Sorry.
Let's peak gay. Sorry.
Wait. I feel like then people did turn on DJ Khaled. I don't know. He's still out here like- Not eating pussy? No. Yes.
Wait. I feel like then people did turn on DJ Khaled. I don't know. He's still out here like- Not eating pussy? No. Yes.
Well, I mean, the morning after they fucked. Did they fuck?
Well, I mean, the morning after they fucked. Did they fuck?
I thought that they had. I mean, did you? Did I just infer that?
I thought that they had. I mean, did you? Did I just infer that?
And then they woke up. So what do you think? They're just praying that whole time?
And then they woke up. So what do you think? They're just praying that whole time?
I'm like, this is a hell yeah for me.
I'm like, this is a hell yeah for me.
You know who does go down on women? Who? Benny Blanco gives munch. You think so? For sure.
You know who does go down on women? Who? Benny Blanco gives munch. You think so? For sure.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I was like, I love a gift. I feel like there's two things happening at once. Yes, I feel like queer timelines sometimes come off a little intense and fast and furious. However, I think it's very cool to connect with somebody, be like... We're going to fuck. And then here's your treat for fucking me so good. Right. I would respond very well to that. A chocolate dipped pineapple.
I was like, I love a gift. I feel like there's two things happening at once. Yes, I feel like queer timelines sometimes come off a little intense and fast and furious. However, I think it's very cool to connect with somebody, be like... We're going to fuck. And then here's your treat for fucking me so good. Right. I would respond very well to that. A chocolate dipped pineapple.
Yeah, I'm here for it. Thank you. A melon. Actually, I would do anyone. There's nothing better than an edible arrangement. That to me is peak.
Yeah, I'm here for it. Thank you. A melon. Actually, I would do anyone. There's nothing better than an edible arrangement. That to me is peak.
Oh, maybe.
Oh, maybe.
Do you want to know why? Why? Because he knows that it's like, I feel like he's proficient. Same thing. I look at Charlie Pluth and I go-
Do you want to know why? Why? Because he knows that it's like, I feel like he's proficient. Same thing. I look at Charlie Pluth and I go-
Maybe like very contemporary.
Maybe like very contemporary.
Imagine you show up to a church and that mom pastor is a full-on dyke. Do you know what I'm saying? Don't, don't, don't.
Imagine you show up to a church and that mom pastor is a full-on dyke. Do you know what I'm saying? Don't, don't, don't.
Join the congregation.
Join the congregation.
So you guys are passing out communion?
So you guys are passing out communion?
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon.
Yeah, that rocks.
Yeah, that rocks.
Yeah. And your mom.
Yeah. And your mom.
Stop.
Stop.
One thousand percent.
One thousand percent.
No, I do feel like it is really, really fun how much we enjoy having you on this podcast.
No, I do feel like it is really, really fun how much we enjoy having you on this podcast.
I feel so happy when you're here. Very few people are on the three club. No, it's you and...
I feel so happy when you're here. Very few people are on the three club. No, it's you and...
Maybe nobody else. So thank you for giving us your time. We have the best time when you're here.
Maybe nobody else. So thank you for giving us your time. We have the best time when you're here.
For sure. Yeah, we'll put you in the books. Thank you. We'll be right back on. Where should they find you and your music?
For sure. Yeah, we'll put you in the books. Thank you. We'll be right back on. Where should they find you and your music?
Yeah. Which was very good. Thank you. I'm Rachel Scanlan Ali.
Yeah. Which was very good. Thank you. I'm Rachel Scanlan Ali.
Go do something gay today. Bye bye. Bye bye.
Go do something gay today. Bye bye. Bye bye.
charlie the poof yeah he is pussy hard you think so i think he does i think he does there's something about these like these really good musicians these sensitive boys who like have this softness to them can i be honest You think you're going to beg Salima Gomez by not going down on her until the cows come home?
charlie the poof yeah he is pussy hard you think so i think he does i think he does there's something about these like these really good musicians these sensitive boys who like have this softness to them can i be honest You think you're going to beg Salima Gomez by not going down on her until the cows come home?
I just get the sense that he really worships women. And I think that a way to show them is by munch-tastic.
I just get the sense that he really worships women. And I think that a way to show them is by munch-tastic.
ladies and gentlemen welcome to another episode of two dykes and a mic i'm mackenzie goodwin and i'm rachel scanlina lee we have so much in this episode i want to start off by saying i love your shirt it's very raising phoenix raising arizona raising arizona yeah nick cage in one of his best works yeah i would say that for sure i love and i believe wait who's the woman i've never seen the movie
ladies and gentlemen welcome to another episode of two dykes and a mic i'm mackenzie goodwin and i'm rachel scanlina lee we have so much in this episode i want to start off by saying i love your shirt it's very raising phoenix raising arizona raising arizona yeah nick cage in one of his best works yeah i would say that for sure i love and i believe wait who's the woman i've never seen the movie
I love... You actually recently said a term of a lesbianism term to a fellow queer person and they were like, what does that mean? And you went, you had to go, it means going down on a woman. And I was scream laughing. I was like, yeah, tell them, Kenz. Carpet munch, right? I think you said carpet munch to another gay person. And they were like... They're like, I'm not familiar with that phrase.
I love... You actually recently said a term of a lesbianism term to a fellow queer person and they were like, what does that mean? And you went, you had to go, it means going down on a woman. And I was scream laughing. I was like, yeah, tell them, Kenz. Carpet munch, right? I think you said carpet munch to another gay person. And they were like... They're like, I'm not familiar with that phrase.
What do you think? It's like... I'm screaming. I do feel like we do need more Munch merch. Okay, wait, sorry. And that's Charlie Pluth. Back to your dates. Then I'll be in Atlanta February 6th, Nashville February 7th through 8th, Sacramento February 19th, San Francisco February 20th. It's almost sold out. So make sure you get those. Salt Lake City.
What do you think? It's like... I'm screaming. I do feel like we do need more Munch merch. Okay, wait, sorry. And that's Charlie Pluth. Back to your dates. Then I'll be in Atlanta February 6th, Nashville February 7th through 8th, Sacramento February 19th, San Francisco February 20th. It's almost sold out. So make sure you get those. Salt Lake City.
March 6th, Boise, March 7th, Toronto, March 14th through 15th, Buffalo, March 16th, Vancouver, March 22nd, and then Edmonton, March 23rd. Also, I think Vancouver is also sold out. So those other cities, make sure you show them some love. The show is going to rock. I think Charlie Pluth will open. And he's a drag king dressed like Charlie Puth. Wait, I love that. Okay, yeah. I love that.
March 6th, Boise, March 7th, Toronto, March 14th through 15th, Buffalo, March 16th, Vancouver, March 22nd, and then Edmonton, March 23rd. Also, I think Vancouver is also sold out. So those other cities, make sure you show them some love. The show is going to rock. I think Charlie Pluth will open. And he's a drag king dressed like Charlie Puth. Wait, I love that. Okay, yeah. I love that.
I need that. I would love to have more drag kings open.
I need that. I would love to have more drag kings open.
I saw that they're doing auditions right now. Yeah. I'd love that. Why don't you go audition? I think because I haven't practiced at all. But there is definitely a version of me, instead of doing stand-up, just doing Freddie Mercury kind of cover tribute bands.
I saw that they're doing auditions right now. Yeah. I'd love that. Why don't you go audition? I think because I haven't practiced at all. But there is definitely a version of me, instead of doing stand-up, just doing Freddie Mercury kind of cover tribute bands.
Do you think they'd let me at least sing for real instead of lip sync?
Do you think they'd let me at least sing for real instead of lip sync?
Actor. Yeah. Musician. Musician big time. Podcaster. Right. Also super funny. Yeah. All around treat. Just a charming person. Please put your ears together for ER Fightmaster. Wow. I really thought these two zits weren't noticeable. Just turn your head. Because I asked my wife and she said they were not noticeable, but she lied. You can't trust your wife.
Actor. Yeah. Musician. Musician big time. Podcaster. Right. Also super funny. Yeah. All around treat. Just a charming person. Please put your ears together for ER Fightmaster. Wow. I really thought these two zits weren't noticeable. Just turn your head. Because I asked my wife and she said they were not noticeable, but she lied. You can't trust your wife.
For sure. This is like a huge issue here.
For sure. This is like a huge issue here.
I've just seen the cover of it at Blockbuster. Oh my god, you gotta see it.
I've just seen the cover of it at Blockbuster. Oh my god, you gotta see it.
When I heard the pipe, I'm like, we hate the pipe. Hell no, we don't want that. The second, though, that you said it's metal, I was kind of like, well, maybe I'll snowmobile next to it for miles and miles.
When I heard the pipe, I'm like, we hate the pipe. Hell no, we don't want that. The second, though, that you said it's metal, I was kind of like, well, maybe I'll snowmobile next to it for miles and miles.
No. Yeah, it rocks. It rocks. Oh my god, exciting. Yeah, you gotta see that. I could definitely see myself stealing a baby. Yeah, it's giving you and Nazara energy in a good, good, fun way. For sure. I feel like me running around with a mustache stealing babies, Nazara like... Meal prepping for the baby and I. Yeah.
No. Yeah, it rocks. It rocks. Oh my god, exciting. Yeah, you gotta see that. I could definitely see myself stealing a baby. Yeah, it's giving you and Nazara energy in a good, good, fun way. For sure. I feel like me running around with a mustache stealing babies, Nazara like... Meal prepping for the baby and I. Yeah.
Hot. Yeah. Imagine, of all the places, you're like, let's go 30 below.
Hot. Yeah. Imagine, of all the places, you're like, let's go 30 below.
Stop. She's related to Sara Bareilles, I think. Sara Bareilles.
Stop. She's related to Sara Bareilles, I think. Sara Bareilles.
what? What is it doing?
what? What is it doing?
I think people assume, oh, you're going on a romantic trip. You need beach. You need sand. Okay, but here are two of the grossest things that I can imagine. The beach and sand.
I think people assume, oh, you're going on a romantic trip. You need beach. You need sand. Okay, but here are two of the grossest things that I can imagine. The beach and sand.
Snow's clean. And you're cold. Cozy up. Come on over. Get within me. Or an igloo. Hold me.
Snow's clean. And you're cold. Cozy up. Come on over. Get within me. Or an igloo. Hold me.
Yeah. The whole look. Poof. I can look super flat chested in like an overall straight into a snow pant. No, you're gender affirming. Yes. Very mask. No hips in that. All just straight all the way down.
Yeah. The whole look. Poof. I can look super flat chested in like an overall straight into a snow pant. No, you're gender affirming. Yes. Very mask. No hips in that. All just straight all the way down.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, my God. When I was in elementary and middle school, I used to exclusively wear like snow clothing throughout the entire season. I'm talking like. I wanted to wear beanies constantly. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes. When you have to, your mom's like, you have to have long hair and you're like, fine, but I'll put in a beanie. Snow wear is the most gender affirming wear that there is.
Oh, my God. When I was in elementary and middle school, I used to exclusively wear like snow clothing throughout the entire season. I'm talking like. I wanted to wear beanies constantly. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes. When you have to, your mom's like, you have to have long hair and you're like, fine, but I'll put in a beanie. Snow wear is the most gender affirming wear that there is.
I think that's true. Yeah. And that's why it's really hard to be a dyke in LA. Yeah. It's too hot.
I think that's true. Yeah. And that's why it's really hard to be a dyke in LA. Yeah. It's too hot.
It's too hot.
It's too hot.
It's too hot.
It's too hot.
I don't want to wear shorts in front of my friends. I've never seen you in shorts or a tank.
I don't want to wear shorts in front of my friends. I've never seen you in shorts or a tank.
And we basically live together.
And we basically live together.
Dude, I love how Puritan you are. Hey, leave me alone.
Dude, I love how Puritan you are. Hey, leave me alone.
Yes, we have to.
Yes, we have to.
Just from the wardrobe.
Just from the wardrobe.
I definitely look at movies from that generation, which I do believe is that 90s? It is the 90s. I look at 90s and I'm like, it's fun to see men a little dirty, a little gross. And then now as a dyke being like, I'll take some of that. They loved, it was the era of Billy Bob Thornton.
I definitely look at movies from that generation, which I do believe is that 90s? It is the 90s. I look at 90s and I'm like, it's fun to see men a little dirty, a little gross. And then now as a dyke being like, I'll take some of that. They loved, it was the era of Billy Bob Thornton.
Yeah. And I am like... And your stepmom is hot as well. What about my dad? Also hot. Thank you.
Yeah. And I am like... And your stepmom is hot as well. What about my dad? Also hot. Thank you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think there is a lot of people who are like, oh no. You must feel platonic. Yeah. I don't think so. I don't feel platonic about anything. I'm so glad you're here. That feels so right. You guys have the exact same energy.
I think there is a lot of people who are like, oh no. You must feel platonic. Yeah. I don't think so. I don't feel platonic about anything. I'm so glad you're here. That feels so right. You guys have the exact same energy.
Guess what time it is? It's Balessa time, honey. That's right. We are giving away free sex toys again. This is literally my favorite part of the job. Thank you, Balessa. These toys, I'm holding right here the Whisper Vibe. They came up with new technology. Balessa, I love where the science is headed. I don't even know how they're doing this. This is on. This is on right now.
Guess what time it is? It's Balessa time, honey. That's right. We are giving away free sex toys again. This is literally my favorite part of the job. Thank you, Balessa. These toys, I'm holding right here the Whisper Vibe. They came up with new technology. Balessa, I love where the science is headed. I don't even know how they're doing this. This is on. This is on right now.
So go get a ticket today. They just say they're selling out so quickly. So I'm like, go check out Rachel's website, Rachel Scanlon comedy dot com.
So go get a ticket today. They just say they're selling out so quickly. So I'm like, go check out Rachel's website, Rachel Scanlon comedy dot com.
What sucks is that is so prevalent. Yes. In just any community. It's not like my dad and Erica are always talking about how he wants to give her a gun. And she's like, yeah, I'd love one. And I'm literally like, we will never have a firearm in our house.
What sucks is that is so prevalent. Yes. In just any community. It's not like my dad and Erica are always talking about how he wants to give her a gun. And she's like, yeah, I'd love one. And I'm literally like, we will never have a firearm in our house.
Ain't going to happen.
Ain't going to happen.
An olive blanch of welcoming her into the family. I said, just don't even do it. To be fair, if he gave her a miniature statue painted olive color, it is blanch.
An olive blanch of welcoming her into the family. I said, just don't even do it. To be fair, if he gave her a miniature statue painted olive color, it is blanch.
So he made her a coffee table.
So he made her a coffee table.
Ladies and gentlethems, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin.
Ladies and gentlethems, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin.
And it can't stay. But to be fair, but to be fair, but to be fair. Yeah, yeah. Thank God he made her a coffee table instead of a gun. Because imagine the gun shot backwards.
And it can't stay. But to be fair, but to be fair, but to be fair. Yeah, yeah. Thank God he made her a coffee table instead of a gun. Because imagine the gun shot backwards.
Imagine the gun shot seven bullets out of the table.
Imagine the gun shot seven bullets out of the table.
Thank God it wasn't a gun that he built. Right. And just a coffee table.
Thank God it wasn't a gun that he built. Right. And just a coffee table.
I think you should lacquer her up. Put a lacquer so she's weatherproof. Yeah. Put her outside. Oh. That's what I would do. Put her outside. And say we loved it so much we wanted to share it with the world. That's actually really beautiful. Yeah. There you go.
I think you should lacquer her up. Put a lacquer so she's weatherproof. Yeah. Put her outside. Oh. That's what I would do. Put her outside. And say we loved it so much we wanted to share it with the world. That's actually really beautiful. Yeah. There you go.
It's our community table.
It's our community table.
We have an amazing episode. Please put your ears together for Dylan Mulvaney. Let's get into you just came out with what I'm guessing is going to be a national bestseller. Yes.
We have an amazing episode. Please put your ears together for Dylan Mulvaney. Let's get into you just came out with what I'm guessing is going to be a national bestseller. Yes.
God's gay ears. May I touch her?
God's gay ears. May I touch her?
Oh, shit. Yeah, this is nice. It's so nice. You guys, paper doll. You can keep that one. No, I couldn't. You can. I will.
Oh, shit. Yeah, this is nice. It's so nice. You guys, paper doll. You can keep that one. No, I couldn't. You can. I will.
I will.
I will.
Right.
Right.
One hundred percent.
One hundred percent.
Yeah, like coffee table books. This is a coffee table book in the sense of like you want people to see it. It's gorgeous.
Yeah, like coffee table books. This is a coffee table book in the sense of like you want people to see it. It's gorgeous.
Wait, wait, wait. I have to say, Spotify, thank you. We love you. You let us record here and we, every time we are here in your studios, we're acting crazy.
Wait, wait, wait. I have to say, Spotify, thank you. We love you. You let us record here and we, every time we are here in your studios, we're acting crazy.
Right? Let's talk paper doll.
Right? Let's talk paper doll.
Walk us through what was the inception of the book and why did you... Oh, fuck. Has it been a journey?
Walk us through what was the inception of the book and why did you... Oh, fuck. Has it been a journey?
Had to.
Had to.
Yes.
Yes.
A hundred percent. Someone gave it a perfect time.
A hundred percent. Someone gave it a perfect time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what surprised me. Really? When I was reading it, I didn't know that that's what the tone of the book was going to be of like, you have a different side to you. I know. Which I thought was so exciting and so fun to read. Thank you.
That's what surprised me. Really? When I was reading it, I didn't know that that's what the tone of the book was going to be of like, you have a different side to you. I know. Which I thought was so exciting and so fun to read. Thank you.
You mean women are multidimensional? Can you believe?
You mean women are multidimensional? Can you believe?
To make them laugh. Yes. Because you have to make them comfortable.
To make them laugh. Yes. Because you have to make them comfortable.
Has it been on the whole time? It's been on the whole time. I will just say, so the Whisper technology, we are in a dead silent studio. This is a soundstage.
Has it been on the whole time? It's been on the whole time. I will just say, so the Whisper technology, we are in a dead silent studio. This is a soundstage.
Right. I don't know. You have to be more responsible. Yes. Or a lot of other straight white people on the internet can just spew stuff and be like, not my issue.
Right. I don't know. You have to be more responsible. Yes. Or a lot of other straight white people on the internet can just spew stuff and be like, not my issue.
We were doing bathroom bits. We were doing bathroom bits. The bit was... Can we tell you guys? I think we have to. The bit was, is somebody hyper femme coming into the restroom going, click, click, click. He was clicking. Clicking, going... hello, is anybody in here? And I was walking around the bathroom going, hello, excuse me, is anybody in here? Ding dong. And then we go, coast is clear.
We were doing bathroom bits. We were doing bathroom bits. The bit was... Can we tell you guys? I think we have to. The bit was, is somebody hyper femme coming into the restroom going, click, click, click. He was clicking. Clicking, going... hello, is anybody in here? And I was walking around the bathroom going, hello, excuse me, is anybody in here? Ding dong. And then we go, coast is clear.
My God.
My God.
I never saw that one.
I never saw that one.
I love Rent. Oh, my God. A classic.
I love Rent. Oh, my God. A classic.
You could be Maureen. I feel like I'm Maureen.
You could be Maureen. I feel like I'm Maureen.
You're Joanne. You think so? Yeah, between the two. Yeah, I guess we would.
You're Joanne. You think so? Yeah, between the two. Yeah, I guess we would.
Wow.
Wow.
Was that your first, right? Yeah.
Was that your first, right? Yeah.
First that you ever got.
First that you ever got.
You did Legally Blonde.
You did Legally Blonde.
Oh, got it. OK.
Oh, got it. OK.
I'm such a fan of music. I think they're so fun.
I'm such a fan of music. I think they're so fun.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
There's nothing more fun.
There's nothing more fun.
We need to. But I want to real quick read an excerpt out of your book.
We need to. But I want to real quick read an excerpt out of your book.
Well, this one, there were so many. I picked so many and I had to read Ray some excerpts.
Well, this one, there were so many. I picked so many and I had to read Ray some excerpts.
This is exciting. I hope it's not.
This is exciting. I hope it's not.
Okay, this is this week. My divorced parents showed up at my school with Martinelli's and I thought my parents had were my prayers had worked and they were getting back together. But nope, it was even better. They came together to tell me that I had won the prize role of Danny who Cindy Lou who's brother. For those who are not familiar. Of course.
Okay, this is this week. My divorced parents showed up at my school with Martinelli's and I thought my parents had were my prayers had worked and they were getting back together. But nope, it was even better. They came together to tell me that I had won the prize role of Danny who Cindy Lou who's brother. For those who are not familiar. Of course.
So walk us through how getting a role was so much more important to you than your parents coming back together.
So walk us through how getting a role was so much more important to you than your parents coming back together.
Okay, I love this.
Okay, I love this.
And we went.
And we went.
We're having fun. You can hear.
We're having fun. You can hear.
And so that was something good to show that part of yourself.
And so that was something good to show that part of yourself.
All the best women do. They're chic. They do. They had like seven husbands.
All the best women do. They're chic. They do. They had like seven husbands.
I feel like we'd be carrying the casket or pallbearers. Oh, a pallbearer. Just dykes.
I feel like we'd be carrying the casket or pallbearers. Oh, a pallbearer. Just dykes.
Wow, that rocks. Okay, I want to read one more excerpt. Give it to me. Okay, this one also made me cackle. This is when you're talking about, you have an acting class, right? And you're like, we had a workshop for the gays, how to learn how to walk like a straight man. And I didn't make it two steps before the teacher briskly excused me from the workshop.
Wow, that rocks. Okay, I want to read one more excerpt. Give it to me. Okay, this one also made me cackle. This is when you're talking about, you have an acting class, right? And you're like, we had a workshop for the gays, how to learn how to walk like a straight man. And I didn't make it two steps before the teacher briskly excused me from the workshop.
Did she say get into two groups, gays and straights?
Did she say get into two groups, gays and straights?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. It's crazy that something good came out of the pandemic.
Yeah. It's crazy that something good came out of the pandemic.
Yeah. I'd say.
Yeah. I'd say.
You can almost, it's like they're far apart for some reason. Yeah. And you kind of, yeah. It's really.
You can almost, it's like they're far apart for some reason. Yeah. And you kind of, yeah. It's really.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
Just not in L.A.
Just not in L.A.
I wanted to ask you what is because this book does encompass a lot about girlhood. Yes. What is your favorite and least favorite part of girlhood?
I wanted to ask you what is because this book does encompass a lot about girlhood. Yes. What is your favorite and least favorite part of girlhood?
We're going on a tour called Two Dykes and a Mike going hog wild. It is very exciting. Somebody did write to us recently. I thought I was going to go hog mild until I saw this tour. Yeah. I loved that. That's what I'm talking about.
We're going on a tour called Two Dykes and a Mike going hog wild. It is very exciting. Somebody did write to us recently. I thought I was going to go hog mild until I saw this tour. Yeah. I loved that. That's what I'm talking about.
We love Minneapolis.
We love Minneapolis.
He's signing autographs up front.
He's signing autographs up front.
I love everything that you're saying. Okay, thank you. Okay, and then we have April 19th, we're in Washington, D.C. Yes. April 23rd, L.A. Yes. Hi. April 26th, we're in Denver. Then we have May 10th, St. Pete. May 11th, Atlanta. May 17th, we are in St. Louis.
I love everything that you're saying. Okay, thank you. Okay, and then we have April 19th, we're in Washington, D.C. Yes. April 23rd, L.A. Yes. Hi. April 26th, we're in Denver. Then we have May 10th, St. Pete. May 11th, Atlanta. May 17th, we are in St. Louis.
Keep going. It's not. Keep going. Stop. Keep going. Stop, I'm scared. Then we have May 18th, we have Chicago. May 30th to the 31st, we have two shows in Seattle. Please sell that out, you guys. June 7th, high pride month, Portland. Then we have June 12th, we're in Pittsburgh. June 13th, Brooklyn. June 14th, Boston. This is our Hog Wild tour. If you've seen us, it is a brand new show.
Keep going. It's not. Keep going. Stop. Keep going. Stop, I'm scared. Then we have May 18th, we have Chicago. May 30th to the 31st, we have two shows in Seattle. Please sell that out, you guys. June 7th, high pride month, Portland. Then we have June 12th, we're in Pittsburgh. June 13th, Brooklyn. June 14th, Boston. This is our Hog Wild tour. If you've seen us, it is a brand new show.
This is all new material. This show is so much fun. If you're single and you want to come and meet people, we have the Mackenzie's Mingler section. And if you want to come and be horny with your lover, we also have every other seat available.
This is all new material. This show is so much fun. If you're single and you want to come and meet people, we have the Mackenzie's Mingler section. And if you want to come and be horny with your lover, we also have every other seat available.
I haven't told you this. Okay. But I went a couple weeks ago. Remember, we had Dason on. Of course. And we were talking about Face Gym. Oh, yes. I had a Face Gym appointment. And this, we are not sponsored by Face Gym. We're not affiliated. We are not affiliated with Face Gym. I'm not affiliated with anyone. I'm not affiliated with any gym. No gym. I'll tell you what. So I go in.
I haven't told you this. Okay. But I went a couple weeks ago. Remember, we had Dason on. Of course. And we were talking about Face Gym. Oh, yes. I had a Face Gym appointment. And this, we are not sponsored by Face Gym. We're not affiliated. We are not affiliated with Face Gym. I'm not affiliated with anyone. I'm not affiliated with any gym. No gym. I'll tell you what. So I go in.
And this is, I was, I'm like, I'm excited for, it's a massage. It's a facial. Right? I walk in. The first thing that is there, it says, this isn't a facial. No. It's a workout. So the vibes are bad. The vibes are not what I... You're falling apart. I don't... You're not going to find this in a gym. Okay, I don't like gym settings.
And this is, I was, I'm like, I'm excited for, it's a massage. It's a facial. Right? I walk in. The first thing that is there, it says, this isn't a facial. No. It's a workout. So the vibes are bad. The vibes are not what I... You're falling apart. I don't... You're not going to find this in a gym. Okay, I don't like gym settings.
And it's so soft. It's so soft. Balessa has always been our favorite company to work with because we actually genuinely love these products.
And it's so soft. It's so soft. Balessa has always been our favorite company to work with because we actually genuinely love these products.
That's too much cardio for me.
That's too much cardio for me.
No, I got my stitches out on my leg and they were like, you can't actually run for another two weeks. And I was like, thank God. You were like. Thank God my wife heard that. The doctor said so. I can't. Okay. So I walk in and they're like. it's a workout bitch and they're like here's Marsha she's gonna be your trainer today and I was like everything they said I was like
No, I got my stitches out on my leg and they were like, you can't actually run for another two weeks. And I was like, thank God. You were like. Thank God my wife heard that. The doctor said so. I can't. Okay. So I walk in and they're like. it's a workout bitch and they're like here's Marsha she's gonna be your trainer today and I was like everything they said I was like
They had a sweatband on. I literally was like, I hate it here.
They had a sweatband on. I literally was like, I hate it here.
Then they have that bread ball that they kind of just rub on your face. A bread ball?
Then they have that bread ball that they kind of just rub on your face. A bread ball?
So then I had, so they were like, obviously your jaw's tense. And I was like, she caught me.
So then I had, so they were like, obviously your jaw's tense. And I was like, she caught me.
She's like, God, your jaw is so tight. And I was like, ask your mom about it. So anyways, I chew a lot of gum. So she's like, we should do this massage on your jaw muscles specifically. Right. Did you get that?
She's like, God, your jaw is so tight. And I was like, ask your mom about it. So anyways, I chew a lot of gum. So she's like, we should do this massage on your jaw muscles specifically. Right. Did you get that?
So this is, this is what happens at face gym. So I'm already breaded out. I'm already breaded out and I'm uncomfortable. Cause I'm like, I'm, I don't fit in here. She's way too talkative. It's not a fake. It's very, well, it's very straight. It's very hetero. And then she's, she's a little too talkative for my light. When I'm getting a facial, I want to be calm. I want to not talk.
So this is, this is what happens at face gym. So I'm already breaded out. I'm already breaded out and I'm uncomfortable. Cause I'm like, I'm, I don't fit in here. She's way too talkative. It's not a fake. It's very, well, it's very straight. It's very hetero. And then she's, she's a little too talkative for my light. When I'm getting a facial, I want to be calm. I want to not talk.
I just want you to rub my face. Right. Did you do the... So she does the jaw stuff, right? The jaw massage upgrade, the add-on? It was the add-on. And here's the thing. I bet you didn't know this. They go in. Yeah. They go in your hole. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They enter. And for those of you not watching, I am pointing at my mouth, not of all the holes.
I just want you to rub my face. Right. Did you do the... So she does the jaw stuff, right? The jaw massage upgrade, the add-on? It was the add-on. And here's the thing. I bet you didn't know this. They go in. Yeah. They go in your hole. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They enter. And for those of you not watching, I am pointing at my mouth, not of all the holes.
So she puts on a glove. It's black, which I don't like.
So she puts on a glove. It's black, which I don't like.
For those of you who don't know, I did just wash my hands for this. So when I came home, I want you to know, I had to show Erica because of how insane what this woman did. She stuck her finger in my mouth. She's working it, she's working it, she's working it. When she's done, it's about five minutes later, instead of pulling her hand out, Quickly. Uh-huh.
For those of you who don't know, I did just wash my hands for this. So when I came home, I want you to know, I had to show Erica because of how insane what this woman did. She stuck her finger in my mouth. She's working it, she's working it, she's working it. When she's done, it's about five minutes later, instead of pulling her hand out, Quickly. Uh-huh.
She pulled it out so slow that it went like this.
She pulled it out so slow that it went like this.
It was unbelievable. Like where I literally was like, how dare you? I told you I'm married. Yes. I was like, this is HR, HR. Dude. The slowness with which she released her finger from my mouth, dude, was unacceptable. Dude, it's like so, it's so fucked up. You can't do that. No. Imagine a dentist. Lingering in your lips. Stop. No. Dude, unacceptable. Dude.
It was unbelievable. Like where I literally was like, how dare you? I told you I'm married. Yes. I was like, this is HR, HR. Dude. The slowness with which she released her finger from my mouth, dude, was unacceptable. Dude, it's like so, it's so fucked up. You can't do that. No. Imagine a dentist. Lingering in your lips. Stop. No. Dude, unacceptable. Dude.
And then she did it the next time when she did the other side. And the whole time I was waiting for the finger to slip out.
And then she did it the next time when she did the other side. And the whole time I was waiting for the finger to slip out.
I can never go back. I can never go back. After you suck on a woman's thumb twice, I want to be the one to suck on the thumb. I don't want you to make me suck your thumb.
I can never go back. I can never go back. After you suck on a woman's thumb twice, I want to be the one to suck on the thumb. I don't want you to make me suck your thumb.
It's my choice.
It's my choice.
Yeah, I would have slurped it in. I should have asked. May I? Let me help you out there. Dude. Dude, I hated it. I hated it so much. Shout out Face Gym for making me feel creepy. Shout out Face Gym for ruining all of our lives.
Yeah, I would have slurped it in. I should have asked. May I? Let me help you out there. Dude. Dude, I hated it. I hated it so much. Shout out Face Gym for making me feel creepy. Shout out Face Gym for ruining all of our lives.
We have no idea what these ads are. Everyone is DM us being like, hey, the Army's putting commercials on your two decks and a mic. Yeah, we're like episodes. Yeah. Listen, we don't have any say over that.
We have no idea what these ads are. Everyone is DM us being like, hey, the Army's putting commercials on your two decks and a mic. Yeah, we're like episodes. Yeah. Listen, we don't have any say over that.
But here we are. Do you have an update for me? I do. I have an update for you. And then we will get into, this was one of my favorite episodes that we've ever done. It's a two-parter with Dylan Mulvaney. She just released a book today. Please go out and get it. It's called Paper Doll. It's so fucking good, you guys. So we'll get into that soon.
But here we are. Do you have an update for me? I do. I have an update for you. And then we will get into, this was one of my favorite episodes that we've ever done. It's a two-parter with Dylan Mulvaney. She just released a book today. Please go out and get it. It's called Paper Doll. It's so fucking good, you guys. So we'll get into that soon.
It's a spoiler for what's to come.
It's a spoiler for what's to come.
I do love doing that bit to you. I know, it's fun. Well, so many... Do you know what?
I do love doing that bit to you. I know, it's fun. Well, so many... Do you know what?
I know.
I know.
Yeah. They're like, could you get off FaceTime with Rachel?
Yeah. They're like, could you get off FaceTime with Rachel?
Don't make me laugh hard.
Don't make me laugh hard.
Thank you for having me. You're very excited.
Thank you for having me. You're very excited.
Well, okay. So I've actually, I haven't, this is the first time we're meeting meeting, but I like met you in passing before, like outside of the studios one time. Oh, yes. I was with my sister and we were here cause she was guesting on one of our friends podcast. Her name's Avery Woods. She's super sweet. And so, um, yeah, you guys met my sister and you guys went inside.
Well, okay. So I've actually, I haven't, this is the first time we're meeting meeting, but I like met you in passing before, like outside of the studios one time. Oh, yes. I was with my sister and we were here cause she was guesting on one of our friends podcast. Her name's Avery Woods. She's super sweet. And so, um, yeah, you guys met my sister and you guys went inside.
I told my sister, do you know who that is? And she goes, no, I go, that's two dykes and a mic. And her friend was like horrified. Like I was just saying slurs and I go, wait, that's the name of their podcast. And I go, and I'm also a dyke. So I could say that. And then she was like, Oh, okay. Like, I'm just casually calling. I'm like, it's your fucking dykes on a mic. Can you believe that?
I told my sister, do you know who that is? And she goes, no, I go, that's two dykes and a mic. And her friend was like horrified. Like I was just saying slurs and I go, wait, that's the name of their podcast. And I go, and I'm also a dyke. So I could say that. And then she was like, Oh, okay. Like, I'm just casually calling. I'm like, it's your fucking dykes on a mic. Can you believe that?
So I told my mom, I was like, it's that podcast. And she was like, oh, no way. So we're so excited. So I'm honestly honored to be here.
So I told my mom, I was like, it's that podcast. And she was like, oh, no way. So we're so excited. So I'm honestly honored to be here.
But like, it's like in a cool way. Yeah, I feel that. Yeah.
But like, it's like in a cool way. Yeah, I feel that. Yeah.
But I'm down.
But I'm down.
No, I don't want other people calling me a dyke. I like to call other dykes dykes. That's different. For sure. I feel that, yeah. I noticed your dyke ring. Oh, yeah. What's her name? Did you guys watch I Kissed a Girl? Yeah. Yes. So Amy, in the show, she makes these rings. Yes. And then I got them on one of the drops and I was so excited about it.
No, I don't want other people calling me a dyke. I like to call other dykes dykes. That's different. For sure. I feel that, yeah. I noticed your dyke ring. Oh, yeah. What's her name? Did you guys watch I Kissed a Girl? Yeah. Yes. So Amy, in the show, she makes these rings. Yes. And then I got them on one of the drops and I was so excited about it.
So watching a lesbian version of it, I was like, oh, it's so much faster because they're lesbians, which I appreciate.
So watching a lesbian version of it, I was like, oh, it's so much faster because they're lesbians, which I appreciate.
I'm over it. But then they're both amicable. I get it, honestly. Whereas in Love Island, they're like, he literally said he loved me yesterday. And then I'm crying too, I feel for her. But when they're lesbians, I'm like, no, that makes sense. I would do that too. Are you watching The Big Brother, Italy?
I'm over it. But then they're both amicable. I get it, honestly. Whereas in Love Island, they're like, he literally said he loved me yesterday. And then I'm crying too, I feel for her. But when they're lesbians, I'm like, no, that makes sense. I would do that too. Are you watching The Big Brother, Italy?
no oh my god there's lesbians on there i think i've seen it on tiktok i haven't watched it though that's only where everybody's consuming it is tiktok but i'm so deeply invested we talked about it last episode where they're like they're in love and then they're breaking up and then they're in love again and it's mad drama me trying to explain that to straight people is hard where i'm like no we're like friends but like in a way we're like we still are in love with each other we want to be together but we have too much going on but we're just friends but also my girlfriend like yes
no oh my god there's lesbians on there i think i've seen it on tiktok i haven't watched it though that's only where everybody's consuming it is tiktok but i'm so deeply invested we talked about it last episode where they're like they're in love and then they're breaking up and then they're in love again and it's mad drama me trying to explain that to straight people is hard where i'm like no we're like friends but like in a way we're like we still are in love with each other we want to be together but we have too much going on but we're just friends but also my girlfriend like yes
And sometimes we rub her lower back. And I rub her lower back. It's so real.
And sometimes we rub her lower back. And I rub her lower back. It's so real.
And I did take her to my family Christmas, but like as my friend, but also my girlfriend. I'm like, I don't know how to explain this. It's not part of your culture.
And I did take her to my family Christmas, but like as my friend, but also my girlfriend. I'm like, I don't know how to explain this. It's not part of your culture.
It's hard trying to explain that to people. Especially my family, because everyone's straight. And I'm like, oh, you just don't get it. It's fine.
It's hard trying to explain that to people. Especially my family, because everyone's straight. And I'm like, oh, you just don't get it. It's fine.
Like out of this whole family. I think about that all the time.
Like out of this whole family. I think about that all the time.
No, it's too much. You're the only queer person in your family, too? In my immediate family, yeah. Insane. Once I met my other queer cousins, I go, okay, I can feel the energy shifting. Yes. But when it's just me, I'm like, oh, it's just me. It's crazy. Do you have a lot of gay friends? Yeah. I think community is so much more important than people think about. Yes.
No, it's too much. You're the only queer person in your family, too? In my immediate family, yeah. Insane. Once I met my other queer cousins, I go, okay, I can feel the energy shifting. Yes. But when it's just me, I'm like, oh, it's just me. It's crazy. Do you have a lot of gay friends? Yeah. I think community is so much more important than people think about. Yes.
Because I think a lot of people worry more about how to queer signal if they're not masked or butch or a stud or anything like that. Yeah. No, I'm more worried about like having queer friends because then they understand the queer experience and there's certain aspects of it that like other people can't understand.
Because I think a lot of people worry more about how to queer signal if they're not masked or butch or a stud or anything like that. Yeah. No, I'm more worried about like having queer friends because then they understand the queer experience and there's certain aspects of it that like other people can't understand.
discord about nails in the lesbian community sure so I had always done the long ones so because I was in a relationship for a really long time and she thought nails were a waste of money I was like no you're right they're stupid what and then when we broke up my sister was like fuck her get your nails and so I started doing the nails and I was like oh if I do the two short ones it'll be like if I meet someone and maybe I did and that's what you're doing and now I just like because it queer signals so I didn't start doing it till like probably September but I've been doing the long nails for like three years it's manifesting yeah but now I have a question what if you're with a partner who's like
discord about nails in the lesbian community sure so I had always done the long ones so because I was in a relationship for a really long time and she thought nails were a waste of money I was like no you're right they're stupid what and then when we broke up my sister was like fuck her get your nails and so I started doing the nails and I was like oh if I do the two short ones it'll be like if I meet someone and maybe I did and that's what you're doing and now I just like because it queer signals so I didn't start doing it till like probably September but I've been doing the long nails for like three years it's manifesting yeah but now I have a question what if you're with a partner who's like
hey could you do three okay wait this isn't that's different then i would then i would adjust yeah you'd break one off immediately i mean i would yeah if she wanted it right then in there i'd be like you're gonna give me like five seconds i have to rip it the whole thing off yeah but also the answer is still yes yeah 100 i'll see you in five yeah you're like Yeah. Literally sweating. Yeah.
hey could you do three okay wait this isn't that's different then i would then i would adjust yeah you'd break one off immediately i mean i would yeah if she wanted it right then in there i'd be like you're gonna give me like five seconds i have to rip it the whole thing off yeah but also the answer is still yes yeah 100 i'll see you in five yeah you're like Yeah. Literally sweating. Yeah.
Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on.
No, I would do that if it made sense to her.
No, I would do that if it made sense to her.
Yeah. No, it's nice to be flexible. No. And so because so many people are like, oh, why don't you do the ring one in the middle? I'm like, worry about your machine. Don't worry about mine. Don't worry about what I'm doing. The other ones are better for you. Let me worry about my fingers. I'm not worried about you.
Yeah. No, it's nice to be flexible. No. And so because so many people are like, oh, why don't you do the ring one in the middle? I'm like, worry about your machine. Don't worry about mine. Don't worry about what I'm doing. The other ones are better for you. Let me worry about my fingers. I'm not worried about you.
I know what I want.
I know what I want.
For you.
For you.
do they give you like a a discount a like a knowing look well the girl i've been going to i've been going to for almost three years so like i have she knows i'm a lesbian so i told her like one day i'll probably get two short ones and she's like okay like doesn't care i'm like okay so then when i asked her she's like okay and then she started doing it so i love it's really nice yeah and then she'll post like videos no still full price when she posts like videos of my nails um she's like people message her and be like why are those too short and she's like don't worry about it's in your business yes ally
do they give you like a a discount a like a knowing look well the girl i've been going to i've been going to for almost three years so like i have she knows i'm a lesbian so i told her like one day i'll probably get two short ones and she's like okay like doesn't care i'm like okay so then when i asked her she's like okay and then she started doing it so i love it's really nice yeah and then she'll post like videos no still full price when she posts like videos of my nails um she's like people message her and be like why are those too short and she's like don't worry about it's in your business yes ally
yeah they're like wow yeah mine is I'll sit down they go do you want me to do your eyebrows too and I go no and they're like upper lip I go no are you sure and I go no I'm good thank you no I'm good my whole life they've done that to me my mom and I laugh because I know like they'll circle my chair like I know they're gonna ask me every time
yeah they're like wow yeah mine is I'll sit down they go do you want me to do your eyebrows too and I go no and they're like upper lip I go no are you sure and I go no I'm good thank you no I'm good my whole life they've done that to me my mom and I laugh because I know like they'll circle my chair like I know they're gonna ask me every time
Because where I get my hands done is a different person for where I go to pedicures and stuff.
Because where I get my hands done is a different person for where I go to pedicures and stuff.
My whole life. So that's why I'm used to it.
My whole life. So that's why I'm used to it.
Do you want to look at our laser hair removal packages? Right.
Do you want to look at our laser hair removal packages? Right.
No, I feel that.
No, I feel that.
Yeah, you're more worried about them judging you than you are, or perceiving you. Yes. Than enjoying the experience.
Yeah, you're more worried about them judging you than you are, or perceiving you. Yes. Than enjoying the experience.
I used to do eyelash extensions for a while and then I went off them, like, halfway through the year. I'm clean from eyelash extensions. I weaned myself off one lash at a time. One at a time, yeah. I did that for a while and then it was kind of just like over it. And then I'm trying to think. I think like, because I get asked about queer signaling a lot being a femme.
I used to do eyelash extensions for a while and then I went off them, like, halfway through the year. I'm clean from eyelash extensions. I weaned myself off one lash at a time. One at a time, yeah. I did that for a while and then it was kind of just like over it. And then I'm trying to think. I think like, because I get asked about queer signaling a lot being a femme.
I'm like, I think that now I'm just like, whatever I'm wearing is going to be gay because I'm wearing it. Like, I went to literal dyke day and had a shirt on that said dykes only allowed and people were still like, here is an ally.
I'm like, I think that now I'm just like, whatever I'm wearing is going to be gay because I'm wearing it. Like, I went to literal dyke day and had a shirt on that said dykes only allowed and people were still like, here is an ally.
I'm like, it's never what you're wearing. Like, I can feel it. Yeah, it's your essence. It's like my sixth sense. Like, I can feel it. I'm like, oh, that's a dyke. And it'll be someone that, like, hasn't come out yet. Or they're like, I don't know, maybe I just like different girls. I'm like, you're a lesbian and you'll realize that, like, as time goes on.
I'm like, it's never what you're wearing. Like, I can feel it. Yeah, it's your essence. It's like my sixth sense. Like, I can feel it. I'm like, oh, that's a dyke. And it'll be someone that, like, hasn't come out yet. Or they're like, I don't know, maybe I just like different girls. I'm like, you're a lesbian and you'll realize that, like, as time goes on.
So is your gaydar, has your gaydar always been good? For lesbians, yes. For men, no. And I think it's because I don't care about men.
So is your gaydar, has your gaydar always been good? For lesbians, yes. For men, no. And I think it's because I don't care about men.
yeah yeah for a really long time well first i thought i was straight like for a really long time um until i went to college me offended i had like i know like for way too long and then i had like all through like middle school high school i had so many boy crushes i wasn't allowed to date so that also made it confusing for me when i got to high school that i was like or college i was like i don't know but i had a new boy crush every day and my sister was like repulsed by men like when we were in high school she was like they're gross and i hate all of them and now she's engaged to someone we went to high school yeah
yeah yeah for a really long time well first i thought i was straight like for a really long time um until i went to college me offended i had like i know like for way too long and then i had like all through like middle school high school i had so many boy crushes i wasn't allowed to date so that also made it confusing for me when i got to high school that i was like or college i was like i don't know but i had a new boy crush every day and my sister was like repulsed by men like when we were in high school she was like they're gross and i hate all of them and now she's engaged to someone we went to high school yeah
And so then she was like, but I was always like, don't tell him I like him. Like, blah, blah, blah. And then when I got to college, the first thing on my first day of school, I joined the women's rugby team. Yep. And I was like, there you go. You know, I'm like, these are literally my friends and I'm an ally. And then I go and then everyone I'm assuming is a dyke because most of them are.
And so then she was like, but I was always like, don't tell him I like him. Like, blah, blah, blah. And then when I got to college, the first thing on my first day of school, I joined the women's rugby team. Yep. And I was like, there you go. You know, I'm like, these are literally my friends and I'm an ally. And then I go and then everyone I'm assuming is a dyke because most of them are.
And they're all being nice to me. And I was like doing that internally homophobic thing where I'm like, they all like me because I'm so charming and I'm a woman and they love women. Right. And I'm like, oh, no, they have types and that's homophobic. Right. And then I met one girl on my team and I was like, oh, that feels weird. Like, I, like, didn't know how to react around her.
And they're all being nice to me. And I was like doing that internally homophobic thing where I'm like, they all like me because I'm so charming and I'm a woman and they love women. Right. And I'm like, oh, no, they have types and that's homophobic. Right. And then I met one girl on my team and I was like, oh, that feels weird. Like, I, like, didn't know how to react around her.
And I, like, but I would, like, go out of my way to spend time with her or sit next to her. Whereas, like, when I had crushes on guys in high school, it would be, like, I stare at him across from the room and don't talk to him. So I dated her for eight years, got engaged. And was still, like. Wait, did you, you proposed or she proposed? We, like, planned it together. We did it during COVID. Oh.
And I, like, but I would, like, go out of my way to spend time with her or sit next to her. Whereas, like, when I had crushes on guys in high school, it would be, like, I stare at him across from the room and don't talk to him. So I dated her for eight years, got engaged. And was still, like. Wait, did you, you proposed or she proposed? We, like, planned it together. We did it during COVID. Oh.
and so so from college so i dated her my freshman year of college till i graduated and then four more years after that yeah we were together for a really long time she was my first kiss my first relationship my first anything so it was even more confusing trying to explain it to my family because i had never seen women like that before like been attracted to them like that and then well i think i wasn't being honest about it because when i look back i'm like like i had the biggest crush on hayley kyoko i think that was my true awakening and lemonade mouth i was like
and so so from college so i dated her my freshman year of college till i graduated and then four more years after that yeah we were together for a really long time she was my first kiss my first relationship my first anything so it was even more confusing trying to explain it to my family because i had never seen women like that before like been attracted to them like that and then well i think i wasn't being honest about it because when i look back i'm like like i had the biggest crush on hayley kyoko i think that was my true awakening and lemonade mouth i was like
oh i love this movie my sister's like it's horrible though but i was like but i love her but i really like it i just really relate to the character she's a lesbian you don't understand and then yeah so with my ex we were together for that long and then we broke up and right when we broke up my sister's platform blew up and so i moved home and then i'm like starting all over and so yeah and then i didn't start calling myself a lesbian until i turned 30 at the end of 2023
oh i love this movie my sister's like it's horrible though but i was like but i love her but i really like it i just really relate to the character she's a lesbian you don't understand and then yeah so with my ex we were together for that long and then we broke up and right when we broke up my sister's platform blew up and so i moved home and then i'm like starting all over and so yeah and then i didn't start calling myself a lesbian until i turned 30 at the end of 2023
So I was mostly going by queer because I was like, I don't know, maybe I still like men. And then I finally was like, if a man never talked to me ever again, I wouldn't give a fuck. And I was like, okay, I'm a dyke. And then I was like, that feels good.
So I was mostly going by queer because I was like, I don't know, maybe I still like men. And then I finally was like, if a man never talked to me ever again, I wouldn't give a fuck. And I was like, okay, I'm a dyke. And then I was like, that feels good.
You did it. A thousand percent. That feels good. And I always tell people, too, that, like, labels are not finite. So, like, you could say you're a lesbian and then be, like, just kidding. Yeah. I'm one guy or whatever. Like, I just think that labels are so important for so many reasons, but I also think that they can be really scary and, like, daunting to, like, feel like you have to pick one.
You did it. A thousand percent. That feels good. And I always tell people, too, that, like, labels are not finite. So, like, you could say you're a lesbian and then be, like, just kidding. Yeah. I'm one guy or whatever. Like, I just think that labels are so important for so many reasons, but I also think that they can be really scary and, like, daunting to, like, feel like you have to pick one.
I can't believe eight years with the first girl you fell in love with I need I have like a thousand follow-up questions if I may yeah please what position did you play in rugby I was a prop so I did but yeah so I was I think tight first and then I I fucked up one of my fingers so then I had to be loose prop but yeah I was always in the front row I played 15s so alone I play sevens yeah um which is half the amount of people so it's but it's the same field like size so it's like
I can't believe eight years with the first girl you fell in love with I need I have like a thousand follow-up questions if I may yeah please what position did you play in rugby I was a prop so I did but yeah so I was I think tight first and then I I fucked up one of my fingers so then I had to be loose prop but yeah I was always in the front row I played 15s so alone I play sevens yeah um which is half the amount of people so it's but it's the same field like size so it's like
a thousand times more running yeah it's like oh no not gonna do that no so 15s is like there's literally 15 of you playing on there's 30 people on the field at once it's insane i've never played yeah you played 15 yeah okay what position do you play i was a wing oh cute yeah i ran fast i was i always wanted to be in the front line though because that i felt like was way more fun rugby but no forward forward pack was like the dyke year girls i feel like the more the thumbs were um
a thousand times more running yeah it's like oh no not gonna do that no so 15s is like there's literally 15 of you playing on there's 30 people on the field at once it's insane i've never played yeah you played 15 yeah okay what position do you play i was a wing oh cute yeah i ran fast i was i always wanted to be in the front line though because that i felt like was way more fun rugby but no forward forward pack was like the dyke year girls i feel like the more the thumbs were um
Either queer or they're always trans. I feel like I've had so many friends. I'm like, oh, cool. I love that for you.
Either queer or they're always trans. I feel like I've had so many friends. I'm like, oh, cool. I love that for you.
Because I played so many different – I played soccer and, like, volleyball mostly growing up. And so I, like, my senior year of high school, the last, like, senior event I did was a powder puff game. And it was supposed to be flagged, but it turned very physical very fast. Hell yeah. So I was like, you're not going to shove me to the ground. I'm going to shove you to the ground.
Because I played so many different – I played soccer and, like, volleyball mostly growing up. And so I, like, my senior year of high school, the last, like, senior event I did was a powder puff game. And it was supposed to be flagged, but it turned very physical very fast. Hell yeah. So I was like, you're not going to shove me to the ground. I'm going to shove you to the ground.
And so I told my uncle I loved it so much. And he was like, oh, why don't you try rugby? Yeah. And I'm Polynesian, so everyone plays that. So I was like, oh, I'll try it. And so I always told everyone, I was like, it's like being in a very lesbian sorority. Yes. But it's almost worse because they're dating each other. And then they're breaking up and cheating.
And so I told my uncle I loved it so much. And he was like, oh, why don't you try rugby? Yeah. And I'm Polynesian, so everyone plays that. So I was like, oh, I'll try it. And so I always told everyone, I was like, it's like being in a very lesbian sorority. Yes. But it's almost worse because they're dating each other. And then they're breaking up and cheating.
And then we're having a social and so-and-so is kissing over here. And she thought she was talking to this person. And then I'm like, I don't know what any of you are talking about. I was like the token straight girl on my team for the first like three months. Wow. But I was also very femme. So like all my friends like dress like men on my team.
And then we're having a social and so-and-so is kissing over here. And she thought she was talking to this person. And then I'm like, I don't know what any of you are talking about. I was like the token straight girl on my team for the first like three months. Wow. But I was also very femme. So like all my friends like dress like men on my team.
And then I was like wearing short shorts and bows in my hair. And I was like, oh, I don't know. And then I met one girl on the team. I was like, I don't know. I feel weird. Yeah, that's different. And I think being around because I didn't grow up around queer women at all. I grew up around more queer men because my mom coached cheer my whole life.
And then I was like wearing short shorts and bows in my hair. And I was like, oh, I don't know. And then I met one girl on the team. I was like, I don't know. I feel weird. Yeah, that's different. And I think being around because I didn't grow up around queer women at all. I grew up around more queer men because my mom coached cheer my whole life.
So I like I obviously knew about lesbians, but I didn't grow up like seeing them or being around them. So I think being around that many different variations of what a queer woman could look like changed my perspective, obviously. And then and it was so normal. Like no one was like. I went to school in Oregon, so it's pretty gay out there. Everyone's like, yeah, it's like whatever.
So I like I obviously knew about lesbians, but I didn't grow up like seeing them or being around them. So I think being around that many different variations of what a queer woman could look like changed my perspective, obviously. And then and it was so normal. Like no one was like. I went to school in Oregon, so it's pretty gay out there. Everyone's like, yeah, it's like whatever.
And I'm like, oh. And I grew up in Southern California where it's not like that at all. So I think it helped me embrace my queerness for sure. Had anybody ever clocked you? No.
And I'm like, oh. And I grew up in Southern California where it's not like that at all. So I think it helped me embrace my queerness for sure. Had anybody ever clocked you? No.
And I don't get clocked. Yeah, hardly ever. But I think that's what I'm saying. It's the energy. I feel like younger queers are so obsessed with presenting queer, which I love that too because that's really important. But our generation was more energy vibes.
And I don't get clocked. Yeah, hardly ever. But I think that's what I'm saying. It's the energy. I feel like younger queers are so obsessed with presenting queer, which I love that too because that's really important. But our generation was more energy vibes.
I feel like I had elements of it, yeah.
I feel like I had elements of it, yeah.
Super gay. Something with brass instruments, yeah.
Super gay. Something with brass instruments, yeah.
We get it.
We get it.
That is super gay. Because only boys would do that because it's so heavy and big. It's so heavy.
That is super gay. Because only boys would do that because it's so heavy and big. It's so heavy.
That was me with a saxophone. I was like, what's the biggest one? I'm going to play that one.
That was me with a saxophone. I was like, what's the biggest one? I'm going to play that one.
Yeah. If your instrument has a neck. I'm like licking my lips, putting my little chapstick thingy on it. Yeah, it was locked in.
Yeah. If your instrument has a neck. I'm like licking my lips, putting my little chapstick thingy on it. Yeah, it was locked in.
Yeah, like a clarinet. Gay. Gay. Flute gives bi vibes, I feel that, but kind of more straight, but yeah. But there's something. Yeah. Queer about it, yeah. What do we think about piano, though? Also gay.
Yeah, like a clarinet. Gay. Gay. Flute gives bi vibes, I feel that, but kind of more straight, but yeah. But there's something. Yeah. Queer about it, yeah. What do we think about piano, though? Also gay.
I was already day theming you too in 2012 people were like can you imagine people I had no idea but when I would leave rooms they would turn to my friends and be like that's my worst nightmare I had no idea that happened to me when I was a freshman this was before I was dating my ex too like I had friends they weren't even my friends it was like boys that were friends with like my friends and they'd be like oh is she gay now like her friends and I'm like you don't even know my friends right I know but yes right and it's none of your business
I was already day theming you too in 2012 people were like can you imagine people I had no idea but when I would leave rooms they would turn to my friends and be like that's my worst nightmare I had no idea that happened to me when I was a freshman this was before I was dating my ex too like I had friends they weren't even my friends it was like boys that were friends with like my friends and they'd be like oh is she gay now like her friends and I'm like you don't even know my friends right I know but yes right and it's none of your business
You might have different things to worry about.
You might have different things to worry about.
I have some priorities ahead of you.
I have some priorities ahead of you.
I know. My sister, like, could give a fuck. She was like, none of them are good enough for me. Because my sister's like, I'm going to date someone famous. I love hot energy. Very strong vibe.
I know. My sister, like, could give a fuck. She was like, none of them are good enough for me. Because my sister's like, I'm going to date someone famous. I love hot energy. Very strong vibe.
Yeah, so, and I don't know if that's, like, maybe just Polynesian, but we were, yeah, like, my parents were, like, you go to school, you go play sports, and then you come home. Like, I don't want you to worry. Like, they were, like, don't get a job. I just want you to be good in school. I kind of love that. And then I went to college, and then I was, like, they don't know this about me. Yeah.
Yeah, so, and I don't know if that's, like, maybe just Polynesian, but we were, yeah, like, my parents were, like, you go to school, you go play sports, and then you come home. Like, I don't want you to worry. Like, they were, like, don't get a job. I just want you to be good in school. I kind of love that. And then I went to college, and then I was, like, they don't know this about me. Yeah.
When I met my friend. You're, like, this is my friend from rugby. My good, good friend. That, like, yeah. And then, yeah, and then we dated for a really long time, broke up, so, yeah. Was she masc? Yeah. Yeah, when I first met her. Yeah. And then I felt like as we were dating, then she became more like chapstick lesbian type. I never know how to describe that to people.
When I met my friend. You're, like, this is my friend from rugby. My good, good friend. That, like, yeah. And then, yeah, and then we dated for a really long time, broke up, so, yeah. Was she masc? Yeah. Yeah, when I first met her. Yeah. And then I felt like as we were dating, then she became more like chapstick lesbian type. I never know how to describe that to people.
I'm like, it's like a tasteful masculine, but it's not masc, but it is, but it's not femme, but it is.
I'm like, it's like a tasteful masculine, but it's not masc, but it is, but it's not femme, but it is.
That's a soft butch. Yeah. There's like a softness. Yeah. I feel like people are afraid to use that word and I don't know why.
That's a soft butch. Yeah. There's like a softness. Yeah. I feel like people are afraid to use that word and I don't know why.
Yeah, I agree.
Yeah, I agree.
She has a lip tint on, yeah.
She has a lip tint on, yeah.
You know? I feel that. Yeah.
You know? I feel that. Yeah.
But Pedro Pascal, I'm like, I want to have a loving relationship with you, but not in a sexual way.
But Pedro Pascal, I'm like, I want to have a loving relationship with you, but not in a sexual way.
I think Pedro's kind of feminine to me.
I think Pedro's kind of feminine to me.
They're a little ratatouille. Like Timothee, I guess. Yeah, yeah. But Timothee is soft. He's too small. It's like when men are like, so like if I can go like this around you, that's too small. That's too small. But then I still also don't find you sexually attractive. Like it's just like, I'll be like, oh, he's hot, but not really. This is fascinating. Have you guys seen Baby Girl?
They're a little ratatouille. Like Timothee, I guess. Yeah, yeah. But Timothee is soft. He's too small. It's like when men are like, so like if I can go like this around you, that's too small. That's too small. But then I still also don't find you sexually attractive. Like it's just like, I'll be like, oh, he's hot, but not really. This is fascinating. Have you guys seen Baby Girl?
I just watched it. Yes, of course. That man? Of course, 100%. That man? So I was like, I fall for White Boy of the Month every year. So I'm like, yeah, let's watch it. I thought he was hot in the Iron Claw. Oh, I didn't even know he was in that. In the Iron Claw? Yeah, in the Iron Claw he was hot. That's why I'm like, I like to look at you, but if they talk to me, I'd be like, don't talk to me.
I just watched it. Yes, of course. That man? Of course, 100%. That man? So I was like, I fall for White Boy of the Month every year. So I'm like, yeah, let's watch it. I thought he was hot in the Iron Claw. Oh, I didn't even know he was in that. In the Iron Claw? Yeah, in the Iron Claw he was hot. That's why I'm like, I like to look at you, but if they talk to me, I'd be like, don't talk to me.
I hate you. Don't come up to me. No.
I hate you. Don't come up to me. No.
I'm like, oh, I have to spend time with you. I want to talk to you. Yeah. Whereas like men, they would talk to me and be like, he's so annoying. You just said you liked him today. I don't know what I was talking about.
I'm like, oh, I have to spend time with you. I want to talk to you. Yeah. Whereas like men, they would talk to me and be like, he's so annoying. You just said you liked him today. I don't know what I was talking about.
ever never once that's like the only men that are in my life are in my family and it's like maybe it's like my dad and my brother yeah my brother-in-law that's good yeah yeah no one that's enough yeah no knowing three men should be like the max yeah and if there's extras i'm like you gotta be extra special especially if they're white right sorry no offense but yeah i'm like a white straight man you gotta go through a couple more filters yeah i hate to be this dyke but
ever never once that's like the only men that are in my life are in my family and it's like maybe it's like my dad and my brother yeah my brother-in-law that's good yeah yeah no one that's enough yeah no knowing three men should be like the max yeah and if there's extras i'm like you gotta be extra special especially if they're white right sorry no offense but yeah i'm like a white straight man you gotta go through a couple more filters yeah i hate to be this dyke but
It's the first night they've spent together?
It's the first night they've spent together?
Okay. Because at first I was thinking the same thing of them. Just tell them, I have to fart really bad and it's weird and I have to do it right now. Even first night, I would laugh at that. Would you? Yeah. I don't think that would piss me off. If it smelled really bad. Like, I would rather someone warn me than you silently fart and then me get mad. Yeah.
Okay. Because at first I was thinking the same thing of them. Just tell them, I have to fart really bad and it's weird and I have to do it right now. Even first night, I would laugh at that. Would you? Yeah. I don't think that would piss me off. If it smelled really bad. Like, I would rather someone warn me than you silently fart and then me get mad. Yeah.
And then I smell it and then I'm pissed off. I would rather be, like, forewarned. Would you be pissed off? I'd just be like, why couldn't you at least warn me? I wouldn't be mad at you. If I knew it was coming, then I'd be like, okay, that's fine. Okay. But if it came without warning, then I'd be pissed off and be like, well, now I'm just smelling shit.
And then I smell it and then I'm pissed off. I would rather be, like, forewarned. Would you be pissed off? I'd just be like, why couldn't you at least warn me? I wouldn't be mad at you. If I knew it was coming, then I'd be like, okay, that's fine. Okay. But if it came without warning, then I'd be pissed off and be like, well, now I'm just smelling shit.
And then I'm going to want to ask you, did you fart? But I'm going to be embarrassed. And now I'm embarrassed even though you farted. So why am I embarrassed? I would rather someone tell me. Okay, so you're on...
And then I'm going to want to ask you, did you fart? But I'm going to be embarrassed. And now I'm embarrassed even though you farted. So why am I embarrassed? I would rather someone tell me. Okay, so you're on...
you're on her side on sylvia's side yeah sylvia's side right can i get yours i would laugh farts are funny okay wait even night one though yeah i've dated someone before and she told me she was scared to fart around me and i said i don't know why i don't care okay i'm like if you if you tell me i don't care it's because i told her one time i dated someone who wouldn't tell me and then it would just sneak up on me i'm like yeah because it smells horrible like if you tell me i'm gonna fart i'm sorry and i'm like okay you don't even have to say sorry if i have a morning i don't care
you're on her side on sylvia's side yeah sylvia's side right can i get yours i would laugh farts are funny okay wait even night one though yeah i've dated someone before and she told me she was scared to fart around me and i said i don't know why i don't care okay i'm like if you if you tell me i don't care it's because i told her one time i dated someone who wouldn't tell me and then it would just sneak up on me i'm like yeah because it smells horrible like if you tell me i'm gonna fart i'm sorry and i'm like okay you don't even have to say sorry if i have a morning i don't care
But if it just sneaks up on me, I'm pissed off. Yeah. And then I'm like, did you fart? And then now you're mad at me that I noticed, but I can smell it. Now we're farting. Now it's my fault. Now we're fighting about the fart.
But if it just sneaks up on me, I'm pissed off. Yeah. And then I'm like, did you fart? And then now you're mad at me that I noticed, but I can smell it. Now we're farting. Now it's my fault. Now we're fighting about the fart.
Even though you farted.
Even though you farted.
Yeah. Okay. And then we laugh. And we laugh. Right. For sure. However. But men are gross. So never mind.
Yeah. Okay. And then we laugh. And we laugh. Right. For sure. However. But men are gross. So never mind.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes. Two dykes. Two dykes. One mic. One mic. One mic. One mic. Yeah. Two dykes. Two dykes. Who dykes? Who dykes? We dykes. We dykes. We dykes. Yeah.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes. Two dykes. Two dykes. One mic. One mic. One mic. One mic. Yeah. Two dykes. Two dykes. Who dykes? Who dykes? We dykes. We dykes. We dykes. Yeah.
If I can't make it silent, I'm not holding it in. I'm going to find a way to let it out. Yeah. I'm going to play a song in the bathroom at my mom's party.
If I can't make it silent, I'm not holding it in. I'm going to find a way to let it out. Yeah. I'm going to play a song in the bathroom at my mom's party.
or flush the toilet a hundred times.
or flush the toilet a hundred times.
Yeah, they're like, no, do it.
Yeah, they're like, no, do it.
That was... I'm trying to... Because, yeah, I thought, oh, maybe she's trans, but I was also thinking, that's also none of your business to, like, clock people. Right, for sure. When you're like, I wonder what business she works in. I'm like, she works at Face Gym for some reason. I was definitely picturing Face Gym as well. They're beating up your face. Your hot dog's just out. It's crazy.
That was... I'm trying to... Because, yeah, I thought, oh, maybe she's trans, but I was also thinking, that's also none of your business to, like, clock people. Right, for sure. When you're like, I wonder what business she works in. I'm like, she works at Face Gym for some reason. I was definitely picturing Face Gym as well. They're beating up your face. Your hot dog's just out. It's crazy.
But I was thinking, maybe she's thinking of, like, an Audi vagina versus, like, an Innie. Okay. Because Audis kind of look like a hot dog. So I'm thinking hot dog
But I was thinking, maybe she's thinking of, like, an Audi vagina versus, like, an Innie. Okay. Because Audis kind of look like a hot dog. So I'm thinking hot dog
That juicy ass hot dog. So I was like, why even bring up other people's vaginas anyway? So if you're seeing them. Right. Maybe they do like Brazilian waxing or something. Yeah. But then you would. You look at hot dogs all the time. Yeah. You must be in and out of dog city. It's crazy. I think about those people. All the time. I can't imagine. Your face is just in pussy all the time. That's crazy.
That juicy ass hot dog. So I was like, why even bring up other people's vaginas anyway? So if you're seeing them. Right. Maybe they do like Brazilian waxing or something. Yeah. But then you would. You look at hot dogs all the time. Yeah. You must be in and out of dog city. It's crazy. I think about those people. All the time. I can't imagine. Your face is just in pussy all the time. That's crazy.
And butts.
And butts.
Because I think you're just so, like, you're not, like, opposed to being around vaginas. Yeah.
Because I think you're just so, like, you're not, like, opposed to being around vaginas. Yeah.
They're like, oh, my God, her tits are out. Yeah. And you're like, what are we doing? Yeah.
They're like, oh, my God, her tits are out. Yeah. And you're like, what are we doing? Yeah.
I'm assuming that's what she meant. Because at first I thought it was her clit or something. I'm like, why are you looking at her? Well, that would be insane. She'd be like, did you see that massive clit?
I'm assuming that's what she meant. Because at first I thought it was her clit or something. I'm like, why are you looking at her? Well, that would be insane. She'd be like, did you see that massive clit?
But I just think, like, I don't know what they do for work, but I just think it's weird to talk about. It is. It's inappropriate.
But I just think, like, I don't know what they do for work, but I just think it's weird to talk about. It is. It's inappropriate.
No, and you shouldn't be talking about other people's bodies, I think.
No, and you shouldn't be talking about other people's bodies, I think.
I get, like, being curious. Yeah.
I get, like, being curious. Yeah.
Because it sounds awful to say, but men do that shit all the time. They're like, well, I'm just trying to sleep with people and fuck around. And they're not honest about their intentions. But I think, especially if you're going to try it in a queer way, I would be honest and upfront about your intentions for sure. I agree.
Because it sounds awful to say, but men do that shit all the time. They're like, well, I'm just trying to sleep with people and fuck around. And they're not honest about their intentions. But I think, especially if you're going to try it in a queer way, I would be honest and upfront about your intentions for sure. I agree.
Like figuring it out or whatever. Yeah.
Like figuring it out or whatever. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Which I don't even know that you need to experience sexually with women to know if you're attracted to women.
Yeah. Yeah. Which I don't even know that you need to experience sexually with women to know if you're attracted to women.
I've never been with a man. I'm like considered a gold star lesbian. I've never been with a man, but I don't want men to talk to me ever. And when I look back on my life, when I thought I was straight or like pan or whatever, I'm like, no, I've always been like that. Like I, I don't need to kiss you or sleep with you to know if I'm a lesbian or not.
I've never been with a man. I'm like considered a gold star lesbian. I've never been with a man, but I don't want men to talk to me ever. And when I look back on my life, when I thought I was straight or like pan or whatever, I'm like, no, I've always been like that. Like I, I don't need to kiss you or sleep with you to know if I'm a lesbian or not.
I wouldn't even be worrying about having sex. Yeah.
I wouldn't even be worrying about having sex. Yeah.
I'm trying to get eight.
I'm trying to get eight.
It's really amazing.
It's really amazing.
She's good.
She's good.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Fucking hot.
Fucking hot.
Do you have anything you want to plug your handle, your podcast, anything? Uh, yeah, you can follow me at Jason off a wall on Instagram and Tik TOK. And then I have a podcast with my sister drew off a wall called two idiot girls. We post every Tuesday.
Do you have anything you want to plug your handle, your podcast, anything? Uh, yeah, you can follow me at Jason off a wall on Instagram and Tik TOK. And then I have a podcast with my sister drew off a wall called two idiot girls. We post every Tuesday.
Oh, you guys post on Tuesdays too?
Oh, you guys post on Tuesdays too?
I'm Deysen Alphawala.
I'm Deysen Alphawala.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes. Yeah.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes. Yeah.
tap dancing no first off i'm not gonna tell anybody i'm not gonna go yeah i'm gonna pretend you do not do this right now if my wife right is a competitive yo-yo artist yeah you're like i'm putting it on youtube look how good she is with her fingies yeah i'm promoting you yeah no queer love is peak queer love is so special and magical
tap dancing no first off i'm not gonna tell anybody i'm not gonna go yeah i'm gonna pretend you do not do this right now if my wife right is a competitive yo-yo artist yeah you're like i'm putting it on youtube look how good she is with her fingies yeah i'm promoting you yeah no queer love is peak queer love is so special and magical
Okay, so JoJo is now single. I'm almost like, let's get her on the pod and let's talk about single life. I'd love to get her back on. Because we had JoJo in love on the pod.
Okay, so JoJo is now single. I'm almost like, let's get her on the pod and let's talk about single life. I'd love to get her back on. Because we had JoJo in love on the pod.
Because when we met her, she was so unbelievably positive. She rocked.
Because when we met her, she was so unbelievably positive. She rocked.
Yeah, vibes were good. So I'm like, I don't know. And they said it was amicable. So I don't know what happened. Obviously, they haven't revealed that yet. But I'm wondering if Jojo is a woman scorned now. And are we going to get a Taylor Swift-esque album now?
Yeah, vibes were good. So I'm like, I don't know. And they said it was amicable. So I don't know what happened. Obviously, they haven't revealed that yet. But I'm wondering if Jojo is a woman scorned now. And are we going to get a Taylor Swift-esque album now?
To be honest, I'm in. That's fun. I'm fully in. Yeah. I'm fully on board. We're going to get JoJo back on.
To be honest, I'm in. That's fun. I'm fully in. Yeah. I'm fully on board. We're going to get JoJo back on.
I want JoJo to be featured on a Bon Iver song.
I want JoJo to be featured on a Bon Iver song.
We need JoJo featuring The National.
We need JoJo featuring The National.
Well, not only that, but like Lindsay Lohan, they were going up and down Sunset Boulevard calling her a fire crotch. Yeah, they were. And that was a big news story. Hey, I was in middle school going, they're really going for her fire crotch. Yeah. Paris Hilton was laughing at her fire crotch. Yeah. And I will say, listen, I think Paris has come around.
Well, not only that, but like Lindsay Lohan, they were going up and down Sunset Boulevard calling her a fire crotch. Yeah, they were. And that was a big news story. Hey, I was in middle school going, they're really going for her fire crotch. Yeah. Paris Hilton was laughing at her fire crotch. Yeah. And I will say, listen, I think Paris has come around.
Here's the thing. They have the same energy, and I will say, and you guys can cancel me also. Fine. Same talent level. That's actually insane. It's not.
Here's the thing. They have the same energy, and I will say, and you guys can cancel me also. Fine. Same talent level. That's actually insane. It's not.
I don't co-sign this. Same talent level in different capacities. Can Adele dance like how JoJo Siwik can dance? For her age.
I don't co-sign this. Same talent level in different capacities. Can Adele dance like how JoJo Siwik can dance? For her age.
In other gay news, have you been seeing on TikTok, everyone's like, Billie posted strap on Mane? I've seen this all the time. Billie Eilish. Yeah. What other Billie?
In other gay news, have you been seeing on TikTok, everyone's like, Billie posted strap on Mane? I've seen this all the time. Billie Eilish. Yeah. What other Billie?
I'm not trying to get to her. Yeah. You know when your algorithm fucks up and you're like, wait, wait, wait. We're misunderstanding each other. Yes, of course.
I'm not trying to get to her. Yeah. You know when your algorithm fucks up and you're like, wait, wait, wait. We're misunderstanding each other. Yes, of course.
I don't want you to think that this is what I'm looking for. Yes. I unfortunately fell into Billy Thirst TikTok.
I don't want you to think that this is what I'm looking for. Yes. I unfortunately fell into Billy Thirst TikTok.
I changed my mind. I saw that and I was like, we need to really go. We have to dive into what's happening in AI for the better.
I changed my mind. I saw that and I was like, we need to really go. We have to dive into what's happening in AI for the better.
i was like if i was writing the bible yeah this would definitely be in there you're taking two massive queer icons well yeah queer icons yeah we can say that um and making them via ai fall in love and as two women have a child together and then birth that child with billy's green hair so It was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.
i was like if i was writing the bible yeah this would definitely be in there you're taking two massive queer icons well yeah queer icons yeah we can say that um and making them via ai fall in love and as two women have a child together and then birth that child with billy's green hair so It was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.
But there was a time where Paris Hilton really was not for the girls. She was for the boys. I know. And I think that I'll never forget that. I'll never forget that either. She was laughing at someone's pube colors on Sunset Boulevard. She sure was. And that's not OK. No.
But there was a time where Paris Hilton really was not for the girls. She was for the boys. I know. And I think that I'll never forget that. I'll never forget that either. She was laughing at someone's pube colors on Sunset Boulevard. She sure was. And that's not OK. No.
And I watched it maybe two to three times because I was like, this is getting better by the second. Yeah, it like actually healed something in me. I don't know what was broken, but it's fixed. Here's the thing. I'm all for that type of AI and the AI where it's like Brad Pitt to Will Smith. They're dancing, but they're also moving into each other. Yes, I love that. Those ones are also real fun.
And I watched it maybe two to three times because I was like, this is getting better by the second. Yeah, it like actually healed something in me. I don't know what was broken, but it's fixed. Here's the thing. I'm all for that type of AI and the AI where it's like Brad Pitt to Will Smith. They're dancing, but they're also moving into each other. Yes, I love that. Those ones are also real fun.
It brought a tear to my eye because I was laughing so hard. Oh, what? Yes! Dude, I was inspired!
It brought a tear to my eye because I was laughing so hard. Oh, what? Yes! Dude, I was inspired!
Dude, you know, why are we seeing the exact same thing and having wildly different emotions? Dude, I saw that and I was like, maybe I should be a parent. I felt I need the sharks and Diane's and the viewers to watch this thing. We'll send it to Leah. We have to put this up. And Ray got, maybe I should be a parent. And I got, this is the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life.
Dude, you know, why are we seeing the exact same thing and having wildly different emotions? Dude, I saw that and I was like, maybe I should be a parent. I felt I need the sharks and Diane's and the viewers to watch this thing. We'll send it to Leah. We have to put this up. And Ray got, maybe I should be a parent. And I got, this is the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life.
So that's the shit I need my algorithm to send me. And less of, like, actual Billie at the concerts. You know what I'll get? Just her looking. And people will be like... You just want thirst talk for Billie? Yeah, it's so weird. And people are like... Yeah.
So that's the shit I need my algorithm to send me. And less of, like, actual Billie at the concerts. You know what I'll get? Just her looking. And people will be like... You just want thirst talk for Billie? Yeah, it's so weird. And people are like... Yeah.
Is that behind closed doors? A long way.
Is that behind closed doors? A long way.
Yeah. When I hear those stories, I go... We got to send this to Ray. Yep. We got to really double down on making sure you're not falling in love actively with a robot.
Yeah. When I hear those stories, I go... We got to send this to Ray. Yep. We got to really double down on making sure you're not falling in love actively with a robot.
So anyways, I couldn't find what happened with Billy's strap. Everyone was like, Billy posted strap on main, yada, yada, yada.
So anyways, I couldn't find what happened with Billy's strap. Everyone was like, Billy posted strap on main, yada, yada, yada.
I... searched the internet being like hey this seems like gay news for sure we gotta find out what kind of strap where's the strap where's the strap where's the strap show me strap if you're gonna tell me it's whatever right I think this is a rumor.
I... searched the internet being like hey this seems like gay news for sure we gotta find out what kind of strap where's the strap where's the strap where's the strap show me strap if you're gonna tell me it's whatever right I think this is a rumor.
Okay. I'm talking the Republicans.
Okay. I'm talking the Republicans.
QAnon. I think that they're trying to start something. What are the libs?
QAnon. I think that they're trying to start something. What are the libs?
What are the libs going to focus on right now?
What are the libs going to focus on right now?
Or I do feel like it could be black.
Or I do feel like it could be black.
Like a deep black, midnight black.
Like a deep black, midnight black.
Exactly. God, I have to watch that soon. What a good movie. Okay. In other gay news, and you kind of brought this one up to me. I think you know a little bit more about this than I do.
Exactly. God, I have to watch that soon. What a good movie. Okay. In other gay news, and you kind of brought this one up to me. I think you know a little bit more about this than I do.
So I saw- Because you're kind of our gayler truther of the pod now.
So I saw- Because you're kind of our gayler truther of the pod now.
You know, you just got married, right?
You know, you just got married, right?
I remember seeing that for Halloween, they all went to a Princess Di party, Princess Diana party. And Zoe showed up as not Diana. And if you remember, she had a song back in the day called Not Diana that everyone was like, you're singing about Diana Agron. So they were like, this is all tying back somehow to Gaylor.
I remember seeing that for Halloween, they all went to a Princess Di party, Princess Diana party. And Zoe showed up as not Diana. And if you remember, she had a song back in the day called Not Diana that everyone was like, you're singing about Diana Agron. So they were like, this is all tying back somehow to Gaylor.
Do you think they're a couple? No. Really? It's too hot.
Do you think they're a couple? No. Really? It's too hot.
It's too like, I think that everything right now in our world is going exactly how I don't want it to go. So it does feel like if I, if I think that that would be a good thing for our world, the answer is going to be no. Right. So no, I think Taylor Swift is probably straight. And I think these two women are just fucking with us.
It's too like, I think that everything right now in our world is going exactly how I don't want it to go. So it does feel like if I, if I think that that would be a good thing for our world, the answer is going to be no. Right. So no, I think Taylor Swift is probably straight. And I think these two women are just fucking with us.
Do you think that they're together? Yeah.
Do you think that they're together? Yeah.
To me, I'm just like the way things are going. The way things are going. I think no woman will ever come out again. And I think we're only going to get everybody who you don't want to come out is going to come out.
To me, I'm just like the way things are going. The way things are going. I think no woman will ever come out again. And I think we're only going to get everybody who you don't want to come out is going to come out.
Yeah. It's going to be senators and like Elon Musk. Oh, I think it's going to be bad.
Yeah. It's going to be senators and like Elon Musk. Oh, I think it's going to be bad.
That has been it for good, good, good, good gay news news. Okay. Before we get into some other things, I did want to say that I, okay. And I don't want you to be weird about this. I don't want you to be weird and don't make it weird. Sometimes I go on your website to just check some stuff out. Just to look. Mackenzie.
That has been it for good, good, good, good gay news news. Okay. Before we get into some other things, I did want to say that I, okay. And I don't want you to be weird about this. I don't want you to be weird and don't make it weird. Sometimes I go on your website to just check some stuff out. Just to look. Mackenzie.
And I noticed that you had a couple dates on your website that you have not told the fans about.
And I noticed that you had a couple dates on your website that you have not told the fans about.
London's going to be amazing. You and I are going to be dropping U.S. dates for the spring. And we have something very fun. We do. Should I tease it a little? Can we?
London's going to be amazing. You and I are going to be dropping U.S. dates for the spring. And we have something very fun. We do. Should I tease it a little? Can we?
yeah okay we're gonna for sure yeah yeah okay so we have there's gonna be a section at every one of our shows in the u.s at least where we have what we're calling the mingle pit so if you are in a community and you're coming alone to the show or you're coming with people but you want to meet other queer people in your community and that's like if you're single or you want more friends this is going to be a section where you guys are all identified by like a bracelet the mingle pit
yeah okay we're gonna for sure yeah yeah okay so we have there's gonna be a section at every one of our shows in the u.s at least where we have what we're calling the mingle pit so if you are in a community and you're coming alone to the show or you're coming with people but you want to meet other queer people in your community and that's like if you're single or you want more friends this is going to be a section where you guys are all identified by like a bracelet the mingle pit
I know. We have to talk about something very near and dear to our hearts. Also, let me welcome everybody to our podcast. whoa ladies and gentlethems welcome to another episode of two dykes and a mic i'm mackenzie goodwin and i'm rachel scanlina lee i could cry this is the first one yeah dude Wait, do we have to change the poster? No, I'll still be like... Do you want us to write it on the poster?
I know. We have to talk about something very near and dear to our hearts. Also, let me welcome everybody to our podcast. whoa ladies and gentlethems welcome to another episode of two dykes and a mic i'm mackenzie goodwin and i'm rachel scanlina lee i could cry this is the first one yeah dude Wait, do we have to change the poster? No, I'll still be like... Do you want us to write it on the poster?
Yeah, I'm so excited. So wait for those dates. We're going to be dropping them soon. We're doing a photo shoot.
Yeah, I'm so excited. So wait for those dates. We're going to be dropping them soon. We're doing a photo shoot.
I feel like I could- Would you get- Do- Like a tattoo? No, like diet- People fucking love the last airbender. What is that? It's good. Is it? I think it is. I've never seen it, but I don't know where. I always see- It around.
I feel like I could- Would you get- Do- Like a tattoo? No, like diet- People fucking love the last airbender. What is that? It's good. Is it? I think it is. I've never seen it, but I don't know where. I always see- It around.
Got it. I thought you meant hippie.
Got it. I thought you meant hippie.
Sometimes it'll surprise you. I get up from seats all the time and I look back and I say, how could... What? How?
Sometimes it'll surprise you. I get up from seats all the time and I look back and I say, how could... What? How?
My... Yeah. Dude, have you seen- The size of my ass print makes no sense to me physically. I'm like- Yeah. Have you ever seen the movie Shallow Hell? Yes, of course. I'm like, what?
My... Yeah. Dude, have you seen- The size of my ass print makes no sense to me physically. I'm like- Yeah. Have you ever seen the movie Shallow Hell? Yes, of course. I'm like, what?
I grinded on your dad, your mom, your sister. My pickleball friends. Your pickleball friends. Here's the thing. For a minute, it was a bit where I would try and make eye contact with you while I was grinding on somebody you loved. And I was trying to be like, LOL, you were never looking. So it was just me grinding on these people.
I grinded on your dad, your mom, your sister. My pickleball friends. Your pickleball friends. Here's the thing. For a minute, it was a bit where I would try and make eye contact with you while I was grinding on somebody you loved. And I was trying to be like, LOL, you were never looking. So it was just me grinding on these people.
You need to. A wedding? I told you this in private, but I'll just say it here. I nearly ripped off my front toe. I was dancing so hard and it's still like, it's fucked up. If you see my toe, it pulled back all the nail polish.
You need to. A wedding? I told you this in private, but I'll just say it here. I nearly ripped off my front toe. I was dancing so hard and it's still like, it's fucked up. If you see my toe, it pulled back all the nail polish.
I was dancing so hard that it ripped off my nail polish.
I was dancing so hard that it ripped off my nail polish.
Cute. Wait, kind of cute. That's really cute.
Cute. Wait, kind of cute. That's really cute.
Dude. Hey. Have you ever had that? No. They specifically, well, first off, when you're, your chest is covered. Yeah. So you're still under the blanket. Yeah. No, they don't go very low. I have had almost every single time them spread me my butt. My butt. Where I'm like, you're within me now. Yeah. You are within me. I've had them go way too close to holes. Dude. Way too.
Dude. Hey. Have you ever had that? No. They specifically, well, first off, when you're, your chest is covered. Yeah. So you're still under the blanket. Yeah. No, they don't go very low. I have had almost every single time them spread me my butt. My butt. Where I'm like, you're within me now. Yeah. You are within me. I've had them go way too close to holes. Dude. Way too.
I'm saying you're flying too close to the sun.
I'm saying you're flying too close to the sun.
I'm not kidding where I'm like, you're pressing against my neck where I'm like, my neck could snap at any moment now.
I'm not kidding where I'm like, you're pressing against my neck where I'm like, my neck could snap at any moment now.
They're there to get... I'm a skeleton with skin over it. I mean, there's barely any muscle here. So to me, you don't have to do much. And I'm like, actually... Call the cops. I need to be airlifted out of this hole-in-the-wall Thai place. Yep. Yeah.
They're there to get... I'm a skeleton with skin over it. I mean, there's barely any muscle here. So to me, you don't have to do much. And I'm like, actually... Call the cops. I need to be airlifted out of this hole-in-the-wall Thai place. Yep. Yeah.
That's aftercare. Dude, yeah. It was really wild. I love that deeply. Do you have any other updates?
That's aftercare. Dude, yeah. It was really wild. I love that deeply. Do you have any other updates?
And you're going to want to get it notarized first and foremost because we've had a couple that came in recently that are not notarized. We will send it back. We'll send it back. Return to sender. So you're going to want to go get it notarized. And then shove it right up your ass.
And you're going to want to get it notarized first and foremost because we've had a couple that came in recently that are not notarized. We will send it back. We'll send it back. Return to sender. So you're going to want to go get it notarized. And then shove it right up your ass.
Wait, wait, so you've been on one date that you were like, eh, I could go either way. You guys get a second date and they're like, hey, before we go on the second date, do you mind if I store a pheasant? Which a pheasant is like a fowl, like a bird, right? A pretty big bird. In your freezer.
Wait, wait, so you've been on one date that you were like, eh, I could go either way. You guys get a second date and they're like, hey, before we go on the second date, do you mind if I store a pheasant? Which a pheasant is like a fowl, like a bird, right? A pretty big bird. In your freezer.
This looks still very dark. It's unbelievably dark in the in the palms. Are you washing your hands enough?
This looks still very dark. It's unbelievably dark in the in the palms. Are you washing your hands enough?
I never thought this was a joke. You don't ask somebody something that fucking nuts.
I never thought this was a joke. You don't ask somebody something that fucking nuts.
Has anybody asked you an insane thing like that for a first date, second date, shit, third or fourth?
Has anybody asked you an insane thing like that for a first date, second date, shit, third or fourth?
If you have that type of a little bit of crazy, hide it until date five.
If you have that type of a little bit of crazy, hide it until date five.
Everything you did was correct.
Everything you did was correct.
You saw a red flag and you ran and I applaud you for this. And you flew. That's good. You flew the hell out of there. Yeah, you can't. This is an insane bumble. Thank you for sending this in. Have you ever had anyone ask you something insane? Distort. No, not ask, but I've had people tell me insane shit. Yeah. I remember one person I was dating told me that they saw dead people.
You saw a red flag and you ran and I applaud you for this. And you flew. That's good. You flew the hell out of there. Yeah, you can't. This is an insane bumble. Thank you for sending this in. Have you ever had anyone ask you something insane? Distort. No, not ask, but I've had people tell me insane shit. Yeah. I remember one person I was dating told me that they saw dead people.
And I remember being like, I am going to.
And I remember being like, I am going to.
end the date i'm out of here yeah it was a little bit more ominous than like i see dead people which already is an ominous thing um what's the word i'm trying to i think ominous ominous but who am i to say people yell at me all the time i get every antidote melatonin hey hey we're out here we're living yeah have you ever had somebody do like any animal stuff
end the date i'm out of here yeah it was a little bit more ominous than like i see dead people which already is an ominous thing um what's the word i'm trying to i think ominous ominous but who am i to say people yell at me all the time i get every antidote melatonin hey hey we're out here we're living yeah have you ever had somebody do like any animal stuff
sorry girl and you're like god damn it this rocks it also if you guys ever have a bumble fumble feel free to call in we have a dyke hotline yeah and we're gonna be doing some of those on the next episode yeah wow i missed you i'm so glad we're here i'm gonna miss you on my honeymoon i know i'll be there i would love to fly you in fly me in you set up a tripod get some content
sorry girl and you're like god damn it this rocks it also if you guys ever have a bumble fumble feel free to call in we have a dyke hotline yeah and we're gonna be doing some of those on the next episode yeah wow i missed you i'm so glad we're here i'm gonna miss you on my honeymoon i know i'll be there i would love to fly you in fly me in you set up a tripod get some content
We can't be sarcastic anymore. Because people are going to think. Yeah. We just did it again. I just saw somebody else. What was it? Something so painfully a joke. And they were like, hey, I just want to let you guys know. No.
We can't be sarcastic anymore. Because people are going to think. Yeah. We just did it again. I just saw somebody else. What was it? Something so painfully a joke. And they were like, hey, I just want to let you guys know. No.
I want to scream and shout. We have to go. You started singing it with me.
I want to scream and shout. We have to go. You started singing it with me.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes. Yeah.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes. Yeah.
Yeah, they're doing amazing work over there and they're recruiting a bunch of different research participants. And this is across. Many different paid studies. OK, so you they're offering queer affirming therapy to you at no cost.
Yeah, they're doing amazing work over there and they're recruiting a bunch of different research participants. And this is across. Many different paid studies. OK, so you they're offering queer affirming therapy to you at no cost.
Which is amazing. Hello. So if you are interested in learning more, you can find them on Instagram and we're going to have their handle, which is Yale LGBTQ MHI or check out their website. We're going to have it in the description of this podcast.
Which is amazing. Hello. So if you are interested in learning more, you can find them on Instagram and we're going to have their handle, which is Yale LGBTQ MHI or check out their website. We're going to have it in the description of this podcast.
We will link it. Yes, they're doing great work. Please go check them out. Yale LGBTQ Mental Health Initiative.
We will link it. Yes, they're doing great work. Please go check them out. Yale LGBTQ Mental Health Initiative.
That's us. It's range. It is range of us being like, hey, by the way, we care so deeply about you. This is our first episode in studio since... Stuff has happened since, you know, mental health has been on our mind. Yeah. And I think it is fun that we can go from, hey, we all, we care so deeply about our listeners and the people that watch this show and your mental health.
That's us. It's range. It is range of us being like, hey, by the way, we care so deeply about you. This is our first episode in studio since... Stuff has happened since, you know, mental health has been on our mind. Yeah. And I think it is fun that we can go from, hey, we all, we care so deeply about our listeners and the people that watch this show and your mental health.
We want our community to be tighter than ever right now. And yes, Rachel just did something in the bathroom that made me laugh out loud.
We want our community to be tighter than ever right now. And yes, Rachel just did something in the bathroom that made me laugh out loud.
Well, I do want to say, and so we go to this bathroom every time we come to Spotify. You and I have a potty break together. We go in, and I'll just say right away, I take first stall. Okay, stall number one is my stall. And I take stall four. You take the last stall, the big stall, the one that is technically... For people with disabilities. Yeah. No, that's not.
Well, I do want to say, and so we go to this bathroom every time we come to Spotify. You and I have a potty break together. We go in, and I'll just say right away, I take first stall. Okay, stall number one is my stall. And I take stall four. You take the last stall, the big stall, the one that is technically... For people with disabilities. Yeah. No, that's not.
So I'm just taking a pee. I'm minding my own business. Ray finishes before me. You flush the toilet. As always, by the way. As always. Yeah, you're a fast peerer. Your toilet did something. And I think I referred to it as military grade. It. It. It. It tsunamied. It took the length of an entire Les Mis song to finish. It kept going. I said, Rachel, this is a censor. It had a reprise.
So I'm just taking a pee. I'm minding my own business. Ray finishes before me. You flush the toilet. As always, by the way. As always. Yeah, you're a fast peerer. Your toilet did something. And I think I referred to it as military grade. It. It. It. It tsunamied. It took the length of an entire Les Mis song to finish. It kept going. I said, Rachel, this is a censor. It had a reprise.
It really did have a reprise. It kept going. The flush, you know, you hear a flush. All right, it takes about five seconds, right? Then the flush is over. It kept going on and on. And I said, Ray, what did you do in there for this toilet to be like, I'm not done. I'm not done yet.
It really did have a reprise. It kept going. The flush, you know, you hear a flush. All right, it takes about five seconds, right? Then the flush is over. It kept going on and on. And I said, Ray, what did you do in there for this toilet to be like, I'm not done. I'm not done yet.
Yeah. It was unbelievably long where I was like, hey, I'm out of the bathroom. We're at the sink now. We're conversing. Why should we?
Yeah. It was unbelievably long where I was like, hey, I'm out of the bathroom. We're at the sink now. We're conversing. Why should we?
Strong flush. That's that me espresso. That's that me espresso. Let's get into some g-g-g-g-gay news news. You better believe that, not just one, but I have two news stories this week. Okay. About Jojo Siwa.
Strong flush. That's that me espresso. That's that me espresso. Let's get into some g-g-g-g-gay news news. You better believe that, not just one, but I have two news stories this week. Okay. About Jojo Siwa.
Madame Sawad, who we've had on the pod. Yeah. A lot of the gay news, I don't know if you've been seeing it, but it's all over TikTok. She released a new song. And in the song, she does sing about a lover grinding upon her bean. Yeah.
Madame Sawad, who we've had on the pod. Yeah. A lot of the gay news, I don't know if you've been seeing it, but it's all over TikTok. She released a new song. And in the song, she does sing about a lover grinding upon her bean. Yeah.
Here's the thing. Every time I open my phone, it's something worse and more heinous. For sure. And I would rather it be about JoJo's Bean than what's happening elsewhere. It is a nice distraction from the rest of the... I'm going to be honest. Thank God we have JoJo at this time. Yeah. Because we're getting Bean news instead of who's being appointed.
Here's the thing. Every time I open my phone, it's something worse and more heinous. For sure. And I would rather it be about JoJo's Bean than what's happening elsewhere. It is a nice distraction from the rest of the... I'm going to be honest. Thank God we have JoJo at this time. Yeah. Because we're getting Bean news instead of who's being appointed.
You know what I mean? That's what I want in my life. Always safe chaos.
You know what I mean? That's what I want in my life. Always safe chaos.
During this time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure.
During this time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure.
also jelly bean does lighten it something about like but does she say jelly bean i'm pretty sure she doesn't she's talking about like a coffee bean yeah which to me grinding a coffee bean just so you know yeah it's taking a like a solid and and really turning it into thousands of smaller versions of that solid yeah which if you're talking about your clert yes okay yeah
also jelly bean does lighten it something about like but does she say jelly bean i'm pretty sure she doesn't she's talking about like a coffee bean yeah which to me grinding a coffee bean just so you know yeah it's taking a like a solid and and really turning it into thousands of smaller versions of that solid yeah which if you're talking about your clert yes okay yeah
I need it to be anything. I need her instead of like, please grind my bean. Let's shuck the oyster. Let's shuck the oyster.
I need it to be anything. I need her instead of like, please grind my bean. Let's shuck the oyster. Let's shuck the oyster.
I think it's not that we're letting. She is. I think if you polled the queer community and JoJo was like, hey, what are your thoughts on me singing about my bean? I think the queer community would be a resounding, please don't do that.
I think it's not that we're letting. She is. I think if you polled the queer community and JoJo was like, hey, what are your thoughts on me singing about my bean? I think the queer community would be a resounding, please don't do that.
Yeah. I do like what you said about it is a controlled chaos. A safe chaos. A safe chaos where this isn't harming us. We're here. We're LOLing. Yeah. She's talking about getting her bean ground. She's giving us an outlet that we need. I think we really do need JoJo during these times. Yeah. Sorry. I'm not even sorry. I think we need more gay clowns. Yes. During this time.
Yeah. I do like what you said about it is a controlled chaos. A safe chaos. A safe chaos where this isn't harming us. We're here. We're LOLing. Yeah. She's talking about getting her bean ground. She's giving us an outlet that we need. I think we really do need JoJo during these times. Yeah. Sorry. I'm not even sorry. I think we need more gay clowns. Yes. During this time.
In other gay JoJo news. More. More. So JoJo, remember, was on our podcast and didn't name her, but was talking about, she was like, I'm dating somebody now who I think and I hope is my forever.
In other gay JoJo news. More. More. So JoJo, remember, was on our podcast and didn't name her, but was talking about, she was like, I'm dating somebody now who I think and I hope is my forever.
They did just break up. No! JoJo Siwa. i didn't know that jojo siwa and uh dancer dakayla wilson broke up and jojo released the statement let me just read it please um they broke up after being public for three months damn it yeah fuck jojo that's quick jojo that's life though that's amore that's gay amore that's gay amore
They did just break up. No! JoJo Siwa. i didn't know that jojo siwa and uh dancer dakayla wilson broke up and jojo released the statement let me just read it please um they broke up after being public for three months damn it yeah fuck jojo that's quick jojo that's life though that's amore that's gay amore that's gay amore
That's amore. And a lot of people were like so happy that JoJo had a black girlfriend, too, because it was becoming less cringe.
That's amore. And a lot of people were like so happy that JoJo had a black girlfriend, too, because it was becoming less cringe.
There was a lot less cringe going on, which I was like, let's do more of that. Frick, man. So what happened is she did confirm it to People magazine that they'd gone their separate ways and that she is single now and that she's going to focus on their own holiday plans moving forward.
There was a lot less cringe going on, which I was like, let's do more of that. Frick, man. So what happened is she did confirm it to People magazine that they'd gone their separate ways and that she is single now and that she's going to focus on their own holiday plans moving forward.
Or the song came out and Takayla was like, I no longer want to grind that bean.
Or the song came out and Takayla was like, I no longer want to grind that bean.
Yes. I think love trumps art. I think like... Okay, so if... God forbid Erica was an artist.
Yes. I think love trumps art. I think like... Okay, so if... God forbid Erica was an artist.
I haven't talked about this. And I think if I was going to talk about it, it would be on a private episode. But I'll just say very lightly here. Erica recently, you know that she loves romance novels.
I haven't talked about this. And I think if I was going to talk about it, it would be on a private episode. But I'll just say very lightly here. Erica recently, you know that she loves romance novels.
She was like, I'm thinking about writing one.
She was like, I'm thinking about writing one.
I read a summary she wrote and I was like, okay, it's actually not bad. Okay. But if it was bad... You're in trouble. Here's the thing. I don't think I'm in trouble because I love this person so dearly that I would, I think, love Trump's art. Even if it was bad, I would stand behind my partner no matter what.
I read a summary she wrote and I was like, okay, it's actually not bad. Okay. But if it was bad... You're in trouble. Here's the thing. I don't think I'm in trouble because I love this person so dearly that I would, I think, love Trump's art. Even if it was bad, I would stand behind my partner no matter what.
There's no ick that I can get for this person.
There's no ick that I can get for this person.
Not only that, I'm honking your nose.
Not only that, I'm honking your nose.
I'm throwing bananas out in front of you. I'm 100% if you were in love with somebody, you can't really get the ick.
I'm throwing bananas out in front of you. I'm 100% if you were in love with somebody, you can't really get the ick.
Let me see her again. Didn't she have a spinoff also? Yeah. Private practice. Don't yell private practice at me. Private practice. She's hot. No, she's so fucking hot. I will say this. The early 2000s, which is when this came out. Were a bad time for gingers. I feel like gingers were the punching bag for a lot of like. A lot of Ron Weasley.
Let me see her again. Didn't she have a spinoff also? Yeah. Private practice. Don't yell private practice at me. Private practice. She's hot. No, she's so fucking hot. I will say this. The early 2000s, which is when this came out. Were a bad time for gingers. I feel like gingers were the punching bag for a lot of like. A lot of Ron Weasley.
I think that there is something about women supporting women. Queer love. Nobody wants to support a man. I'm not out here trying to support my husband. Have you seen the 98 Degrees? They were on tour and they were trying to do a dance. Yes. People were like, holy shit. See? Imagine being married to one of them and being like.
I think that there is something about women supporting women. Queer love. Nobody wants to support a man. I'm not out here trying to support my husband. Have you seen the 98 Degrees? They were on tour and they were trying to do a dance. Yes. People were like, holy shit. See? Imagine being married to one of them and being like.
For sure.
What are some of the trends in the queer community or lesbian specific that you're like, thank God we are not doing this anymore?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin.
That is like still happening. You're right.
Or like a rainbow Apple Watch band. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I have seen a lot of older gay men wear those.
Because they are proud, as they should be. Of course. And they're like showing it off.
Because that's also flagging. But there's, I feel like especially queer women, we flag a little bit more subtly.
Agreed. Yeah.
I love imagining us sold in containers. Plastic containers. Well, no, sorry, glass. Glass. No plastic in my home. No plastic. No plastic in my home. Hi. It's Earth Day. It's Earth Day? No plastic in my home. I don't go. I don't shop at Target. I don't shop with Amazon. Fuck Starbucks. Fuck Starbucks. Thank you very much.
We're happier here. Yeah. Mentally. Exactly.
Well, they have carabiners for use. They are repelling from mountains. I do think that that's very interesting.
It's interesting.
And it's a, that's misogyny or like internalized homophobia where they're almost trying to fit in with their oppressor, which is their dad. Do you know what I mean? It's their father. I like that narrative. Yeah.
For sure. I think women in general, they can't go wrong. They're always going to be hot. But I'm like, sometimes I feel like they're really trying to be almost sucking up to the male gaze in other scenarios, in other cultures.
I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
So we are evolving.
It might be that we're just getting older. I do want to ask this question that came in from Emily Ranch. Oh. Because this one is still fashion and bodies.
Right away. Okay.
So like for this person specifically, would you say going with a thicker fabric, like a jean or something that would...
I'm looking to be warm at all times.
That's also sectioning off the body to like really make the eye go down as well. So do you think when you are curvier and you have bigger hips, bigger butt, you would go with a bigger pant?
I didn't know what it was from.
I'm so happy to have you on. This is really helping me. I sent this in. I sent this ask that I did. Me, no tits.
You do dress like a man who dances at the Abbey.
Because we're not for the male gaze. Right. So we're like wearing boyfriend shirts.
We're not wearing like boosties.
This is my butch era.
This is my everyday shoe.
Okay. These are my dirty pair, too. Thank you. I can't tell when people are like, good or bad. No, good. Okay, great. Tense. Air Force One is a power move. Thank you. I wanted to ask, because you were just like, wear what makes you feel sexy. What was the first thing that you were like, this is the outfit or this is the jacket or pants that make me feel sexy?
Tell me something. We have an amazing guest today. We have Jade Fox on the pod. And this was such a fun interview. She's amazing. She's amazing. She has a lifestyle and entertainment channel where she talks about everything. Gay culture, pop culture, fashion. She's an amazing guest. Please stay tuned for that.
One more ask a dyke. You know what? Let me flip this to the side and be cool.
Why? Who said that?
People are always getting mad at Gucci.
We'd be naked, cooking chicken, upset. Yeah. Yes. Okay. Ask a dyke. Hey Dykes, I've only been out for a short period of time and I'm deep in that second puberty and drowning. I'm definitely a woman. I don't feel non-binary. Okay, got it. You don't have to tell me. I use she, her pronouns and that feels right for me.
But when it comes to fashion, some days I feel super masc, but I also have pink hair in a short French bob shag. Bob Shagg. The Shagg is here.
I only feel comfortable in one stupid wolf shirt that I own. I own four of them. Every time I try to dress up, I feel dysphoric. I feel like a kid wearing their dad's shoes. Like everyone can see that they don't fit. Like my clothes don't fit my personality. Please help me. Sapphic in Seattle.
That's amazing.
Those shows in Seattle pop off.
Oh my God. I feel like I relate to this person a little bit because for the longest time I was only wearing band shirts. Yeah. Do you remember?
The only thing I could wear because it's the only thing that made me feel comfortable and not restricted and feeling like, yeah, I was in something that didn't fit my size. So I also have this question.
They're so fun.
Wait, I remember that last time.
So you're saying silhouette, start up here.
Well, clothes are so expensive. I can't afford to go out and have a shopping spree. No. You know, I'm not buying.
Yeah. And ask your friends. Do you ever like poll your friends? Never. They're polling you.
Pennsylvania. At the Improv. Then we have June 13th. We're in Brooklyn at the Bell House. Those shows are so fun. Yep. And then we end the tour June 14th in Boston at the Wilbur. Wow. Which is huge. Huge and like. We love Boston. We stan Boston.
I love a white tee. I feel like it should be in everyone's closet. I have like 16 of them and I just go through them. Yeah.
Make sure those pits are clean.
Yeah, but it's also for the queer community and it's for things that you're passionate about. It's not you being like. here's what I did today. It's like, you are doing things that actually help the queer community.
And I'm like, hell yeah, that, but that's the best. Do you have people from, uh, growing up that slide into your DMS and are like, I never thought you'd do it, but I'm so proud of you.
Like, it's mostly that. Are you serious?
I have a sausage business?
How dare he? Incredible. I was like, read the room. Read the room. Sausage.
Can you post it? Get out of here. I will only, I'll promote any queer person that ever needs it.
But a man, a straight man. And meat.
So a bumble fumble is a bad dating story or sex mishap. So if you've ever been on a first date and it went super awry.
I also, I also, I didn't know. I didn't know. We were kissing and when I pulled away, she was, there was blood everywhere. And I was like, oh my God, you're bleeding. And then it was me. I was bleeding. Mackenzie was bleeding. I'm bleeding. You didn't feel that? No.
It probably is. As the whitest person in the room, I'm sure it is.
If you have a bumble fumble or any type of bad dating story, feel free to say.
They have been amazing. Like, what is that? And I feel like there's something that happened that I just want to tease it because it comes out in next week's episode, the private episode. Something happened when we were on tour. Between Mackenzie and I that... I feel like the Sharks and Diane's are going to really – well, they'll know because they're going to listen.
Oh. I'm also 33.
At 21, you're always like the biggest one. Yeah. You're like, give me that. The one way up there. That is like the U.S. Do you know what the challenge one? The American challenge. The American challenge. The great American challenge, I think.
That is so funny. And yeah.
Open communication. We love feedback. But being early 20s, there's no feedback. Yeah, there is no feedback. It is what it is. And I'm good. And you're like, I did it.
Something happened between us that has only happened twice before.
That is the funniest story I've ever heard on this pod.
Yeah, you really did it. Thank God you came on this pod.
Mine are multi.
Okay. I like a color, a multicolor, almost like a Dr. Seuss. Like a rocket pop. Yeah. Fun. Yeah. It makes it less serious. And I think that's what I like about it.
Yeah. I think that's what I mean. It's like it makes it a little less like penis-y and more like this is a toy that we're using. Yeah.
On my channel, Jade Fox. At I am Jade Fox. I'm going to flash that up. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. I'm Rachel Scanlon Lee.
You guys go see this show. It is so... First off, Largo, the venue is amazing. And then Rachel has her new hour, which is... One of my personal favorite things to see is you do comedy.
How the fuck are you, dude? I'm really good. I've obviously been hanging out with you a lot, so vibes are good.
Energy's high. You look good. I'm masc. I love when you're masc. You showed up. You pulled up to my house today and I went, masc Kenny's here. I wish I could show them. I'm butch today. I love when you're butch. It's femme trying to be butch. It's so funny. Am I butch today? But I have an update that I want to share with everyone. Please.
Okay, so I, as you know, I write a lot and I've always wanted to direct a movie. And I'm finally, I have written and will be directing my first feature film. Dude, this is so fucking cool. It's happening. Dude, I'm so proud of you. Thank you so much. It's something that I've been working on forever. As you know, like even when we tour, I'm always like typing away. I'm writing.
This one really did come from my heart. And it's so it's called Meeting Marsha. And it's almost like a meet the parents, a lesbian version of meet the parents where you have this protagonist who is meeting parents, but the parent is her biological mother. Oh, wow. So while she's trying to propose to her girlfriend, she also is like, I have to meet my bio mom for the first time. Oh, my God.
So it is a comedy. It's fun. It's gay. It's supposed to be this beautiful weekend. And it turns out to be more of a nightmare than you could have ever imagined. It's amazing.
And you know me. If I put my mind to it. I know.
It means so much to me. And I feel like this is what I like about it is that it's made by a queer person for queer people. It has electricity.
You better believe I'm going to try to get full frontal in there. Please. I'm praying. Praying to God it happens. We'll see if it happens. I'm hoping it's you. I write in just Rachel Scanlon cameo.
Has nothing to do with the script.
It's not a no.
You know I'm in. But I'm trying to think of what else. I mean, I'll have everything on the website if you guys want to learn more. I don't want to take up too much time here. But the only thing is, is that I can't do it alone. So I have, I'm going to make a Kickstarter and I know that sucks, but I'm like, movies are expensive and I cannot, I literally can't do it by myself.
And I don't want it shot on an iPhone. Right. So I'm like, I want to make something that we can all be proud of. I can be proud of. The queer community can be proud of and make it good. Yes. So I'm going to have the link. You guys can go see what it's about. See if you want to donate anything. It's going to be amazing.
Here goes my hero.
Watch him as he... Dude, shut up. That's you right now. That's how I feel about you. Every time you're listing your cities, I'm like, this is... I mean, we've come so far. And I know we talked about this off pod of like, we started at this dive bar. Yeah. And like, we both off camera would always be like, this is what I want to do. This is what I want to do. And like, we really are there.
This is incredible.
They're so fun. The vibes are amazing. We had two people come up to us at our last Denver show and we're like, we met at your show and we are now married. You guys, you might meet your partner.
I could not agree more with you. Like, having a community that are together. I feel like, especially when we're on the road and we're meeting these people, IRL, these Diane's and Sharks, we're meeting you guys in person. And I'm like, oh, you fucking get me. You fucking get us. The meet and greet in D.C., I was like, you guys fucking get it. We left D.C., you guys...
The DC meet and greet was one of the best we've ever had. I was like, oh, these people are like actual people I would fuck with.
I want to hang out IRL. Same with Matt. I mean.
I have to say I feel like we're getting in our flow state with all of our sharks and Diane's in the sense of like we are friends.
Oh, my God. We have so many good episodes coming up soon.
It's literally all about you.
Full frontal.
Turns out I love fashion. I love Jade. I love stay around for the bumble fumble at the end. Incredible bumble fumble. You guys, please put your ears together for Jade Fox. Okay.
I remember telling you that one thing that I had heard from like,
Chanel or Gandhi I forget who it was but it was like when you look in the mirror you take off one accessory and I do the exact opposite right before I leave I go how about one more necklace yeah one more pinky ring how are you on accessories what do you think more I mean I feel like that's a lesbian thing though is as many rings a lot of bracelets a lot like this is an egregious amount of jewelry I love it I have like eight earring different types of earrings you sure do yeah
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlan.
Exactly. Actually, a fedora at any time is the wrong time. I agree. Let's just be clear.
Even at the recent party that we went to, we both looked like we worked the event.
I was like, shit. How do we as uncool lesbos. Yeah. How do we dress for events like that?
Well, so let's say should I wear like a Hello Kitty T-shirt under a suit jacket? Love that.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes. Yeah.
I'm the opposite. So I see them coming. I go, you better not. Oh, wow. You better not. And then I still say it. And then I go, I shouldn't have said that. Fuck. Oh, it must be tough to see it coming and regret it. Yeah. It's both. It's double.
And that's what makes me laugh hard.
It's because she's so tiny and then she'll get so red. She is the little man in Inside Out.
somebody's never done it in the sack rocks me in the sack is like can I try something that's that's my energy I like a can I try something hey I know we're having fun but what if I tried something have you I love this yeah I love that for you have you ever seen an adult at a bounce place yeah I've been one so that is the energy of me in the bedroom okay one of those places that's like a jump house yes yes yes yes where every all everyone is left and it's just like a lot of bouncing your tits are high and low yeah it
If I didn't marry Louis Black. Voice. Size. I really did marry Louis Black. You did and I married grown up Matilda. Sick.
You better believe I went to a Louis Black concert. So did I. Shut the fuck up. What year? When? What tour? Wait, did we go to the same year? It was like 07 or 06. Mine was a little later. Oh, okay.
Lewis is Black. No, we have more gay news. We have to keep this gay. Okay, sorry. Sometimes we go on straight tangents. Lesbians love Lewis Black. I don't think they do. Just us. Okay. In other gay news. If we had him on, our sharks and Diane's would be like, what the fuck is this? Okay. In other gay news. Have you been watching White Lotus? Of course. I know that.
So we're a couple weeks after this happened, but they started teasing a brother. A brother, brother, brother down. A brother down. Yeah. Did you see the newest episode? And what were your thoughts? I know I'm ahead of you on the show. You're ahead of me, but by choice in the sense of I saw the previews of they did stuff together. Oh, I didn't see the previews. I saw people post about it.
So I saw like them.com. Yeah. And like organizations post and be like, it happened. Them.com is getting insane.
Well, the grammar is sometimes, it reads funny. Yeah. Because the grammar is like, What are you talking about?
Anyways. Anyways, I've been watching White Lotus.
I do, too. And I know that like they had something incesty in season two where it was that this guy was like, this is my nephew. This is my nephew. He was always like, this is my uncle. And then we did see them rail.
They were not related. But still, we all thought they were. We thought they were. And I really hated that storyline.
I still think that's super fucked up. I still think that's inappropriate.
Yeah, super awful. So when I saw that they were setting it up, I actually dipped out and I said, I no longer need to see this.
out of nowhere i think he should win an emmy for that monologue you think so he was so good yeah it was fun yeah that was and that's what i want white lotus to be i want white lotus to be because that's your titillating monologue like that's something that you're like okay this is boundary pushing like this is going to whatever i thought that that was super fun but the other stuff that they're doing is unnecessary i agree and it's like for what why it's insane yeah do you like that girl's teeth
I love her teeth. Yeah. I'm all about it.
I'll just say this. Here's what I'll say. And I'll say this. As a daughter of a dentist, he said that should be your last resort. He was like, whatever you do, try your best not to get veneers. Right.
All teeth are beautiful. Fun teeth.
All teeth are beautiful. Big, little, smooshed apart. All of the teeth. All of the teeth. I think keep what you got. What can I say? I like natural. Sitting over here on a BBL. What can I say?
Okay, in other gay news. Do you think my teeth are fake? No. Oh, because they're too small? Oh, let me guess. Too small. In other gay news, are you watching Real Housewives? I'm not. You're not? The new season? Okay, because Garcelle keeps bringing up to Kyle's face and the group's face. Hey. Bullying her? She's like, why are we not talking about Morgan? She's like, hey, group.
I just want to bring up the fact that Kyle's out here with Morgan. Hey. And no one's talking about it. I'm not sure if this is the right take, but can I give you my opinion? Yes, but let me just add one more bit of information. Garcelle keeps being like, we're all upset that Maurizio's out here with all these younger women. And Maurizio's her ex. Maurizio is her ex.
Thanks for letting us do this. It's giving the energy of somebody winning an award. Yes. It's crying.
Well, yes, they're separated, but they are still legally married. They have not filed for divorce yet. Got it. As of this season. Okay. And she's like, I think it's a double standard. I think it's weird that none of us are talking about that. You're always out with Morgan Wade. The voice of our community. And Kyle just sits there going like she never answers. She never clarifies.
She... Did choose... She made a lot of steps. She was in a public music video where she was practically Stacey's momming.
It's overwhelmed. Can't believe I made it here. I'm shocked. I also.
I do, but I was also a teenager. And she's... In her 50s. She's like, I'm too much of a Kyle apologist. I do a little bit. Okay, I do understand that, and I understand that she recently... Like, she's going through a lot, and she goes through it a lot publicly, which is scary. But I'm also like, they have been... or at least friends for over three years now.
It's been a long... And she's never addressed it? She's never addressing it. So I'm kind of like, at what point, how long can you keep being like, I don't want to talk about it? In the public eye? In the public eye. I mean, Morgan Wade was on the show. Yeah. They got matching tattoos. Imagine any time people asked about us, I was like, I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, I'm like, come on.
For giving me the opportunity. I want to thank the Academy.
But then sometimes on Housewives, they're like, Kyle knows how to play the media. They're like, listen, she's out and about. Paparazzi are finding her and Morgan. She's calling them.
For sure. I do always thank my agents and managers.
I agree that I think she is figuring it out, but I guess it's so hard for me watching it to be like, I agree with Garcelle in this scenario of like, you can't be mad at your husband for going out and dating when you're doing the exact same thing. Oh, she's mad. That's kind of the conversation happening of like, how are we sitting here getting upset and being like, I'll fight Maurizio for you.
When you're out here at her concerts.
Waiting, yeah. You're waiting in that water. Wait in the water. Listen, I'm deeply into the Housewives now.
I'm a huge Yolanda head. Yolanda Hadid? Yeah. Incredible. You know that I'm going this way, right?
Can I tell you that Erica has been watching it with me? Yeah. And she goes, I've gotten gayer every episode I watch because she's like, I don't ever want a relationship like that to find me.
That's me every time I fuck. I have the energy of an actress winning best supporting actress.
I'm like, how dare these men not kiss Ciara's feet? How? Every morning they should be washing her feet and begging for her to look at them.
Alive. I don't understand. The Ciara thing actually makes me horrified. I do love her accent. Sierra? Yeah. She doesn't have an accent. Yes, she does. Which accent is it? It's she pronounces, she over pronounces every single vowel. Oh, a nurse's accent. Is that what it is? Maybe. I don't know, but I like her accent a lot.
It's when I see Wes alone in his room and I go, how dare you? Yeah, Bravo will make you a lesbian. Bravo has made me... A raging lesbian.
How dare you treat these women like this? It's sad. Yeah, it actually is. Like Kyle. Oh, fuck you. It's not good. It's not good. Do you want to talk The Giver? Of course. Of course. It's been a couple weeks since it came out.
absolutely nobody should have to make love with me except for my beautiful wife can i just tell them can i fill them in what's happening yes okay so why we started singing vitamin c graduation yes other than it's one of the best songs it's so good she really did dye her hair orange she would yeah she's like somebody vitamin c somebody in an r was like let's go orange i think it's beautiful
I would say you don't want to do that.
It's... Yeah, it is a lot of dog... I do... You'd be a great gardener. Or a farmer. I can't be outside. Oh.
The song is catchy. Yes. I agree that it was one where it was like, it'll grow. I liked it from the jump. It's a grower, not a shower. The song. Which happens with a lot of pop songs. I'm gonna be honest. Espresso was a grower, not a shower for me. Wow. Espresso, I heard, I said. You're like, maybe. We'll see. We'll put it in a playlist. And then Song of the Summer.
Couple days later, Song of the fucking Summer, honey. I mean, they don't make music like the Black Eyed Peas anymore. They sure don't. Those are instant. Those are showers. Dude, we went to karaoke recently and I was like, we were listening to some oldies. And by oldies, I do mean early 2000s. And I was like, we grew up in such a good time for music. I know we had the best music.
No notes. Cadley Booper. I can't believe he is dating Yolanda's daughter.
Reinald Plasty is your favorite of all men? They just all look like Mattel. They look like a dude. Mattel made them. Do you know what I mean? Like, they look factory pumped out. It doesn't even make sense. They can't even dance. Listen, I will say this, and I'm biased, but I think... Women are so unbelievably beautiful. Yeah. And men are not as beautiful.
I had 15 seconds of singing. Dude, that was really fun. I had so much fun with you and I want to go back and I want to sing every weekend with you. Raven and Miranda sang really well together too. Yeah.
They really did good. Performers. I know. Actually, we should do some singing tomorrow at Largo. Okay. Oh, we should. Let's finish out the show with a song. Cheetah Girls.
Let's get her on the pod. She must be. She's got to still be around. She's got to be around because she's here. Yeah. Okay. We'll get Vitamin C on the pod. We'll talk about the graduation song. Fine. But the reason why we were singing it is this is going to be our last ever recording here in this studio. Yes. We're going to be finding a new studio, which is very exciting. It's very exciting.
Or you can shove it up your ass. Also, you can email it to us at 2decksandamic at gmail.com.
Watched me. I was horrified. You know what sucks? You know that they were colluding before this. You know for sure. The whole way down, they're like, we're going to ask Rachel. We have to ask Rachel. We're going to ask Rachel if she's a girl. Because they know that you and Nazara are a married couple.
Do you ever get that from kids? Were they filming? No. Like, for a couple times, these kids... They both have headsets on. They're booming.
I am going to miss this studio, though. I'm going to miss this boot.
I think they're aware of it and then they don't question it until later.
When society is, like... Yeah, I think they're aware of it and it's just accepted.
I know. I am terrified to have kids because they're already going to be a little bit of me. Scary. And then they're going to be asking too many questions that I don't want to answer. I feel like you got to let them. Like, mommy, did you get another BBL? I feel like they're going to be like, your kids are going to be crazy. I know.
Prove it. I mean, like, your kids are going to be ruthless.
I know. I'm scared. I'm terrified. No, shit was wild. We have an Ask a Dyke that I really want to read to you. And please do. Okay. And if you have an Ask a Dyke, you can email us at 2dykesandamikeatgmail.com. Great Gmail account. What a good Gmail account. Who set that up? Great Gmail account. Greetings, dykes. And I'm assuming that they're doing this. Greetings, dykes. Don't look at my finger.
I'm a fan of the pod, and this is my Ask a Dyke. I'm 16, and I go to an all-girls Catholic school. Pause. Are they allowed to listen to us?
No, they know. They can tell by my energy. They know. There's a bit of something in there. Yeah. I went to an all girls Catholic high school and I will say a lot of them are gay now.
The pipeline is strong. You know what? It's just statistics. Yes. All women are gay. So even all women's school, they're gay. Okay. I'm 16. I go to an all-girls Catholic high school. My girlfriend and I don't really get to see each other outside of school. So most days after school, we kind of sort of make out and do lesbian things in an empty stairwell above the chapel. Yes.
That helps with reviewing us. And every other week, we have a private episode. And those are our Sharks and Dianes and our Cheyennes.
As more experienced dykes, please share your opinions. And if you think this is hot or gross, thank you. I love you. All hail Cate Blanchett.
Well, I don't. Listen, you're 16. So therefore nothing is hot. But I will say that that a lot of girls did that at my school. Really? There was one stairwell that led to the bell tower. So there was a it was a bell tower. And then the stairwell was like hidden. And a lot of girls would go up and make out in that bell tower. Oh, my God. With each other? No, with their hands, Rachel.
And our guy-ands. And we will actually, you know, in this episode, we will tell all the new listeners how those names came about. Because a lot of people are like, I want to be a Shark. I want to be a Diane. I don't know which one I am. Right. Right. We'll talk about that. If you become a paid subscriber, that's how this podcast keeps going.
There's of Notre Dame or of the all-girls Catholic school. Oh, I don't know. There's always like... I think this happens in every school. There's going to be nooks and crannies that people go to... To do homo stuff in. To do anything in. Even if you're at like a public co-ed, people are hooking up on campus. So I think like whatever you guys feel safe doing...
not for that for the other thing yeah man how i mean i didn't know that when i hear all girls i'm like that's seems interesting it's it was heaven because you guys had there was just never like i just know boy energy is so different than girl energy yeah do you know what i mean like there wasn't it was less chaotic well i'll say this i feel like i was talked over a lot yeah i was and i'm a yapper right i know
It just feels stinky also. I feel like the classrooms would have been much stinkier.
I mean like over. Oh, I think you meant like you were crying from how bad it smelled.
We are an independent podcast. It's just us. Oh, yeah. And Leah, obviously. Obviously Leah. Our mommy.
maybe join a club or a sport after school yes key club is where all the ladies hook up key club what is key club are you serious yeah it's like a national like uh don't start laughing at me it's already sounding like the fuck you the lamest thing literally fuck you wait what is it you're not making keys it's like a um you're volunteering it's a volunteer oh it's cool yeah okay well
I wouldn't say cool, but it's like a national organization. But you could join other clubs.
Or debate. Theater. Theater. Please. And be a tech. Be a theater tech so you're up in the booth all the time. Yeah. Get nice. Or ceramics.
So you guys can ghost each other and kind of build things with each other.
There's a lot of different electives you can take with your partner.
I think it is stressful, but you're also in your teenage years. Everything's stressful. Right. Using the restroom at high school is stressful. I didn't.
But I didn't even think twice about it. Yeah. But that's a stressor.
Oh, don't even get me started. I was hospitalized all the time. Oh, my God. It was always some issue. I was so religious. So were you. But like, you were at a religious school. I was at a religious school, deeply unreligious. I was at an unreligious school, deeply religious.
Yeah, no, I got kicked out multiple times for laughing during chapel. Whoa. I used to go give fake things to the priest. Confessions. Dude. So we had to do public confessions in the middle of the gymnasium.
At school? And I was so bored because it would take hours for every kid to do their thing that I would be like, fuck it. I'm just going to go down and get in line and give them a confession. And I would always give the...
So anyways, we're going to miss the studio, but we will go. We'll find a new one.
Because there's a little gay twist.
It's going to be gayer. I know that's right. I know that's right. I know that's right.
Yeah. Stunning. Stunning. It's one of the most stunning movies of the year. Right. I think, you know what's fun? What? I think we finally got the inverse of what usually happens where like all these straight male movies win and they're like fine. Yeah. And then you have like beautiful gay movies that don't win. This was the first year I was like this very beautiful straight movie. Yeah.
Conclave takes Miami. Dude. Yeah. All of them in Miami? Yes. Imagine those sweaty bitches. It's like a Miami Vice conclave.
Listen, organized religion is inherently an issue. A major issue. Also, it's suppressed queerness, so it comes out in amazing gowns.
The traditions are gay. Yes, 100%. The traditions, I mean, just swinging that huge thing of insects. That shit's gay.
Like all of it is so. It's all like. It's so intentional. No, I know. And that's why I'm like, it's so. The conclave is gay. Yeah, conclave is gay. I love a group of men with secrets.
I thought it was pretty incredible. It was amazing. Yeah. I think in the end I was like, what an amazing message. I loved it. He was also the only person who was like even keel. Yeah. It wasn't ego based. He was our hero. He was a hero. He was our pope hero. He was a pope hero. And I loved this like little secret that he had that was like a almost like his superpower.
Yeah. Give me one second. Yeah. I will do that before I hit the gay news. But there was actually, I remember so many people sent us that gay news about that Olympic girl who came out. Which sport?
The Pope should be intersexed. I mean, I think people also love queer culture, but don't like queer people. Yeah. And I think that is what's so shitty. Yeah. Is that, like, you love to take different cultures, but we don't want the people.
Of, like, let's take, take, take. We love what you're doing here. Oh, I love this music. But hate the people.
Sad. Horrifying. Yeah. So I'm like, it is very frustrating. Of course, we want to love those people and make those people rise up. Yeah. That would be lovely. Wouldn't it be? Yeah. Wouldn't it change? How many Conclave votes do you give?
here for bringing light back to movies and tv shows i can't see it i'm listen game of thrones really started this about a decade a decade ago since game of thrones they were like got it let's make every shot hard to see i can't see anything i'm fucking it doesn't need to be lit by a kenny are you watching paradise i don't even know what that is i have to talk to you after work about it then i just watched a movie the other day i literally had to google i was like is my tv breaking because i couldn't see it i couldn't see i can't see anything
I'm just in my head I know they did Behind Closed Doors. Yeah, it is like... I don't have to see it because I know it's happening. Yeah. Here's the thing. I think it's not overtly sexual, but it is a sexual movie. 100%.
Really quickly before we go, I do want to just explain Sharks, Diane's, Cheyenne and the glove rating system because we have a lot of new people that have just started tuning in this year. Also, welcome. Welcome to the pod. Sharks is what we call our fans because you and I We are a subscriber-based podcast. So you guys are literally paying for this podcast. And you are making it.
You are our bosses. You are our sharks. So this is a shark tank. We are asking you, do you want to be a part of this?
Diane. Diane. Diane is just a woman who talks right around here.
that's good yeah yeah it's just a deeper register and we do feel like you know most of our listeners do sound like that yeah our sharks and our dianes and honestly and this is you can be both you can be both you can be neither you can be wondering if one of them affirms your gender more yeah they're also both gender neutral for sure a shark i mean are you you could be a mark cuban you could also be yeah one of the other ones yeah yeah yeah
Summer is every single thing. I would say this. It's the sport that you wouldn't think. Or at least for me, it's a sport that's like very hetero. Swimming?
Yeah. And there are people named Cheyenne. Right. So like, listen, take what you want. We are here for all the names. And then also the glove system was because Carol. People don't know the gloves. Yeah. A lot of people don't know why we rate movies by gloves. And it's because Carol, the movie, she left a glove. Right. And that was, I think, our first movie we ever reviewed. Yes.
Also, we have fucked four times. We fucked four times.
That's the lore. Anyways, my jeans are too tight, so I gotta go. Right. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. I'm Rachel Scannelly. Go do something gay today. We love you. Bye-bye.
Have you ever seen a female swimmer? No. No. Your hair is giving Ace Ventura a pet detective today. Actually, everything on your body is giving Ace Ventura a pet detective.
Wait, because this is going to be the last episode before we kind of are never here again. There's one more.
It worries me. Oh, I love that movie. I haven't seen it. Are you serious? Don't tell anyone. Dude, you would love that movie. You would love that movie. It's so good. There are some problematic elements in it now, but it is so good.
all me all you okay before i get into gay news because i do have very special gay news and i want you to guess which olympic sport okay this person came out from okay okay but before we get to that i did all feel gay though they all feel gay okay have you ever like do you ever go nipple to nipple with your wife oh so rarely so rarely i just want to say i'm not talking about during sex
So let me. Or what about the graduation song? As we go on. We remember. So, ladies and gentlethems, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. It's with a heavy heart.
I don't want to tell you. Dude, tell me. I don't want to tell you. What are you up to over there? Listen, wait. This is what I do with my wife. When I need a recharge emotionally and spiritually, I go nip to nip with my wife. And it does feel like the electricity. Two connections of those batteries, which I think is where the patent came from. For sure.
I'm thinking about it physically and there's no point in that. Your heads would be like right here.
Hey, let us live. I love you. Let us cook. In gay news. Yeah.
Yeah. Guess the sport. So an Olympic, I would say, gold medalist. Yes. Came out this, a couple weeks ago. Now, when this episode comes out.
She came out by posting her and her girlfriend. So to me, unclear.
Is she giving femme? You have to guess the sport. I'm not giving any more. There's no more phone-a-friends. There's no more phone-a-dykes. Summer. Is it tennis? Yes. No, but good guess. What is it? It's gymnastics. She's one of the lead gymnastic girls.
So this is Olympic gymnastics Jade Carey. She debuted her relationship with her girlfriend, Amy Sinicola. And they're so cute. We'll throw up a picture. Well, Leah will throw up a picture. Thank you, Leah. They're adorable. And I'm so happy to see somebody who is young, who is a good role model for gymnastics. young girls being like, this is my girlfriend.
I can't believe you would fucking out me like that. Hey, something fucked up happened to Rachel's finger. You don't have to show them on this episode because I know this is public. Yeah, and this is for private. And private, we get it.
We get bodily. That's interesting. Okay, we'll talk.
All old cunts are gay. Yes. Because why else are you mad at that age? You're mad because you never came out.
That's my... That's a great point. That's my thing.
I'm just like, I want them young. Yeah. And I want them to be role models. I think it's exciting time for gymnasts. It always is an exciting time for gymnasts. They're so strong. They're so strong. They're always flipping. They're always doing really fun things. Yeah. I love them.
No, I know. Day of sometimes they'll release more tickets.
Then we got May 30th and 31st, we are in Seattle. I cannot wait for that one. We have June 7th, Portland. We have June 12th, Pittsburgh. June 13th, Brooklyn. And we're ending June 14th in Boston. Wow. Boston Celtics.
I don't know anything about that.
Did you see that Casey Anthony's trying to make a comeback? Shut the fuck up. What? It was about a month ago now. No. Casey Anthony was like... Hey, y'all.
She did. She popped on TikTok and was like. Not on TikTok. On TikTok and was like, I'm doing work, like legal work for, I forget what it was.
I don't want to also be divided with the country. You know me. I'm black and white. Yeah. I don't like gray. No. So tell me what happened. Tell me what happened. Jean Benet Ramsey.
It does feel like a partner who you've already squashed the argument and they're like, and another thing. Yeah. And I'm like, no, no, no. We already figured it out. We already talked about it. We put it to rest.
We are sending out a ton of free vibrators. That's right. Balessa, our favorite company. So I love that Balessa is by women for women, and they are also such community based.
Sorry. I'd love to yes and you.
Yeah.
We can't have a billion dollars.
Oh, you'd make that long, tall thing into a pussy sculpture. I think I would. Yeah. I think we need more sculptures that are less... Phallic.
Um, before we get into today's episode, which is so good, we have two amazing guests on. I just want to say, please go rate and review the podcast wherever you get your podcasts. I hope it's Spotify.
Ladies and gentlethems, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. And I'm Rachel Scanlina Lee. We have such a fucking good episode today. We do. And this is a new studio, which it is only for one afternoon. Blessed. Blessed. Blessed to be here.
I feel like we're in a tough time right now, and I feel like we all need a little queer joy. Yeah, we got to be getting the LOLs. I'm trying to get my LOLs. Me too. Dude, it's mostly on Bravo. I'm getting a lot of gay LOLs on Bravo right now.
I know. Everyone, let us know who your favorite Bravo person is, and we'll try and get them on. Yes.
They're unbelievable. We were on their podcast Tea Time, which was so fun. Please go check out their podcast. It's unbelievable. They've got such good chemistry. I mean, obviously they're a married couple. Just like us. Not just like us. Please put your ears together for our episode with the two hosts of Tea Time, Raven and Miranda.
It felt real for us. In a big way. I had a lot of questions that I had to answer with my family.
Oh, I like that she's like, I'll still watch.
I'm going to be known as hardwood floors. You literally are.
happening there's a lot happening right now there is a lot afoot how are you i'm doing so well i need to like first off right off the bat i need to show you something that i don't know if you've seen but this has shaken the gay internet Okay, please show it to me. And also the straight internet. Show me! A lot of people, and we'll have Leah fly this up real quick.
Yeah. Yeah. Do you think that's because that they're interested in the sense of they never saw that growing up? So they're like, oh, this is interesting to see.
The gay and the straight internet alike. So this week, Kelly Clarkson. Did you see it?
It's like girls gone wild. It's either girls gone wild or Ellen DeGeneres. Yes. Where it's like there is no in-between. Yeah. For sure.
Okay, so we're going to play it right now. Leah, throw it up.
I'm not. And I kind of that's what I wanted to bring up. Like, how is the dynamic? Has it always been touchy with you guys with your in-laws? Or was there ever a time when you were like, we cannot? And did you have to ease into it?
OK, so Kelly, for those of you who are listening and not watching, the clip is Kelly Clarkson was singing this song. What is it called again? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. She's singing an oldie, but I've never heard it like this before. Katy Perry did it back in the day. And I remember when I was a gay youth. Of course. Hearing Katy Perry sing, I like my girls a little bit older.
Yes. Yeah.
Yeah, it does though.
We're 14, 21. Can we pivot to your love story? Pivot. Pivot. Because I want to know how you guys met. Okay. What was the moment that you saw each other? Tell us everything. I want to know it all.
I remember crashing my car into a ditch.
Yes. First off, their Instagram, raunchy and hilarious. Please go follow them. And also, they have a dog policy. So let's say your dog grabs a hold of your vibe. Hi. Rips it to shreds. All you have to do is send them a picture of your dog. LOL. And they get a vibrator again. That's hysterical.
Do you remember? Was it crowns?
You felt it that day. You were like, this is something that's going to go the distance.
You're new. When she winked at the camera during that, my ponties blew off. I've never seen Kelly Clarkson do something that sexy.
Wooden. I'm talking wood. It looks like a sleigh.
Literally what I found and I love.
Rachel.
That's freaky.
Sorry. It's giving queen.
I see you.
I love that we got here. I love that we got to the stain.
If I come over and see it immediately, I'm going to fucking know you guys.
Can I guess?
Well, you would know. Deeply. Hardwood floors. That's all I know. Wood on wood. Bone on bone. It's too much. Do you guys have pets? We do have a pet.
So how do you navigate having sex when you have a pet? What kind of a pet are we dealing with?
And I feel like my dog would give me notes. Yeah. I feel like I don't want a judgment.
Yeah. I don't want my pet to be like, you're not doing it right. Right. Let me show you.
I'm like, I don't want the notes. That scares me. 100%.
That's what we say on this pod.
Toes only.
I have a lot of aunts and uncles that are like, it's going to be hard. It's work. It's going to be hard.
Oh, yeah. Loretta Bush. Have you seen her? No, but I watched True Detective with Jodie Foster, so I think I get the gist of it.
Death Beth, I think it is.
None of our parents did it the perfect way. No one can do it perfect. And nobody on TikTok is doing it the perfect way.
Listen, lady cops, which I think is how they like to be referred to.
an erotic surprise during this horrific murder three-part docuseries i have to fly in i have to watch it i will say and i think you need to watch it there was a i believe australian detective show that was full-blown lesbo yes slash comedy yes yes yes yes yes deadlock deadlock
well the Loch Ness Dike imagine both of us got it wrong yes yes that one was I think that there is a huge market that we are not tapping 100% at or we are overly tapping into 100% there's still people that want to watch it which is lady cops well and I think with us being and I don't I'm not getting on my high horse get on it and but it is a pony it is a petting zoo pony it's a pink pony
It's tiny.
Yeah. Yeah. Your principal's like, stop watching that everywhere, Rachel.
They're rechargeable. They're waterproof. Yes. And they feel so nice. And they charge in their case.
That's kind of like making fun of a butch, making fun of a butch, right? Yeah. Because that is a butch energy. Sure. Well, the outfits. When she had all those puppies, I said, that's my wife. I said, that's who I want to marry.
This was the cool arm? Of course. Yeah. I think it's your tattoos are giving you like a little bit more of that gender affirming... Care. Care. My tattoos should be covered by Blue Anthem. First of all... Well, a couple years ago, sure. Yeah. Not now. Not now.
They took your butt and put it on your arm. They took the fat from your butt. It's a new surgery. All the ladies are getting it. I'm worried. I think both your arms look amazing. It's one of my biggest pet peeves is when people are so insecure about their arms. Yeah, it happens a lot. Who cares? Your arms look amazing. Look at me, fully power.
I think start wearing cuffs. I think start wearing cuffs. I think that that will give you the power that you need. I think make it like Xena warrior princess, but more of a warrior.
Or not Starbucks because we're boycotting Starbucks, but you're at a coffee shop. I'm at a coffee shop. Locally owned.
you guys don't have oat milk at your school yeah i love it thank you before we get into the next topic i do want to say that we are on the road we're going on the road and we have tour dates that we want to release um we're going hog wild our tour is called two dykes and a mic going hog wild this is our spring tour by the way yeah we're going back in fall too so all the cities that you're like please come here please we're coming there we're gonna be there i promise you
I swear to I swear. So we're starting April 1st in Cardiff, UK. Then we go to Brighton, April 2nd, April 4th. We're in London. Then we have Madison, April 17th, April 18th, Minneapolis, Washington, D.C., April 19th. And then we have Los Angeles, our hometown, April 23rd.
It's been bugging me. Yes. Everyone's like, you know, I know that. And this is a little bit more. Listen, we're not a political show. For sure. This is as political as I'm going to get.
Okay. Yes. A lot of like going to Mars. Yeah. Right. Trying to colonize other planets. Yes. I want to know what you would do if you had T-Swift money. what you would do, because like back in the day they used to build things, right? Like we had libraries, stuff like that. What would you do if you were a billionaire right now with your money?
Well, that's a good one.
Is that insane? No, it's not insane. Is that not sexy enough? I think it's sexy. I thought you'd go bigger. I like, cause to me, I kind of thought about it and I was like, what would I like? Actually, what would I do? I think I would go crazy. If I was a billionaire, I think I would do something where they're like, Hey, please don't do like, I would, you know, like Mount Rushmore. Of course.
I feel like I would go around buying big mountain ranges and putting like Eleanor Roosevelt. Yes. Whitney Houston. Yes. Jigglypuff.
right like putting up lesbian icons yeah yeah jigglypuff's a lessee sorry you mean the boob of pokemon yeah jigglypuff's a lessee stupid of course but i i feel like i would do stuff like that where it's like we're changing the face yeah of what america looks like i really i think this is important when you first asked me i could i don't know why i was thinking mountain ranges it's because i could feel your thoughts coming through us i think take over the mountain range why why why did we do mount rushmore
Who the fuck was like, let's put a bunch of dudes up there? No, that's insane.
Yeah.
Done. Done. Done, done, done, done, done. Finally, people go back out there. We need more mountain ranges with women.
Guess what time it is? It's Balessa time, honey. That's right. We are giving away free sex toys again. This is literally my favorite part of the job. Thank you, Balessa. These toys, I'm holding right here the Whisper Vibe. They came up with new technology. Balessa, I love where the science is headed. I don't even know how they're doing this. This is on. This is on right now.
So go get a ticket today. They just say they're selling out so quickly. So I'm like, go check out Rachel's website, Rachel Scanlon comedy dot com.
What sucks is that is so prevalent. Yes. In just any community. It's not like my dad and Erica are always talking about how he wants to give her a gun. And she's like, yeah, I'd love one. And I'm literally like, we will never have a firearm in our house.
Ain't going to happen.
An olive blanch of welcoming her into the family. I said, just don't even do it. To be fair, if he gave her a miniature statue painted olive color, it is blanch.
So he made her a coffee table.
Ladies and gentlethems, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin.
And it can't stay. But to be fair, but to be fair, but to be fair. Yeah, yeah. Thank God he made her a coffee table instead of a gun. Because imagine the gun shot backwards.
Imagine the gun shot seven bullets out of the table.
Thank God it wasn't a gun that he built. Right. And just a coffee table.
I think you should lacquer her up. Put a lacquer so she's weatherproof. Yeah. Put her outside. Oh. That's what I would do. Put her outside. And say we loved it so much we wanted to share it with the world. That's actually really beautiful. Yeah. There you go.
It's our community table.
We have an amazing episode. Please put your ears together for Dylan Mulvaney. Let's get into you just came out with what I'm guessing is going to be a national bestseller. Yes.
God's gay ears. May I touch her?
Oh, shit. Yeah, this is nice. It's so nice. You guys, paper doll. You can keep that one. No, I couldn't. You can. I will.
I will.
Right.
One hundred percent.
Yeah, like coffee table books. This is a coffee table book in the sense of like you want people to see it. It's gorgeous.
Wait, wait, wait. I have to say, Spotify, thank you. We love you. You let us record here and we, every time we are here in your studios, we're acting crazy.
Right? Let's talk paper doll.
Walk us through what was the inception of the book and why did you... Oh, fuck. Has it been a journey?
Had to.
Yes.
A hundred percent. Someone gave it a perfect time.
Yeah.
That's what surprised me. Really? When I was reading it, I didn't know that that's what the tone of the book was going to be of like, you have a different side to you. I know. Which I thought was so exciting and so fun to read. Thank you.
You mean women are multidimensional? Can you believe?
To make them laugh. Yes. Because you have to make them comfortable.
Has it been on the whole time? It's been on the whole time. I will just say, so the Whisper technology, we are in a dead silent studio. This is a soundstage.
Right. I don't know. You have to be more responsible. Yes. Or a lot of other straight white people on the internet can just spew stuff and be like, not my issue.
We were doing bathroom bits. We were doing bathroom bits. The bit was... Can we tell you guys? I think we have to. The bit was, is somebody hyper femme coming into the restroom going, click, click, click. He was clicking. Clicking, going... hello, is anybody in here? And I was walking around the bathroom going, hello, excuse me, is anybody in here? Ding dong. And then we go, coast is clear.
My God.
I never saw that one.
I love Rent. Oh, my God. A classic.
You could be Maureen. I feel like I'm Maureen.
You're Joanne. You think so? Yeah, between the two. Yeah, I guess we would.
Wow.
Was that your first, right? Yeah.
First that you ever got.
You did Legally Blonde.
Oh, got it. OK.
I'm such a fan of music. I think they're so fun.
Yeah. Yeah.
There's nothing more fun.
We need to. But I want to real quick read an excerpt out of your book.
Well, this one, there were so many. I picked so many and I had to read Ray some excerpts.
This is exciting. I hope it's not.
Okay, this is this week. My divorced parents showed up at my school with Martinelli's and I thought my parents had were my prayers had worked and they were getting back together. But nope, it was even better. They came together to tell me that I had won the prize role of Danny who Cindy Lou who's brother. For those who are not familiar. Of course.
So walk us through how getting a role was so much more important to you than your parents coming back together.
Okay, I love this.
And we went.
We're having fun. You can hear.
And so that was something good to show that part of yourself.
All the best women do. They're chic. They do. They had like seven husbands.
I feel like we'd be carrying the casket or pallbearers. Oh, a pallbearer. Just dykes.
Wow, that rocks. Okay, I want to read one more excerpt. Give it to me. Okay, this one also made me cackle. This is when you're talking about, you have an acting class, right? And you're like, we had a workshop for the gays, how to learn how to walk like a straight man. And I didn't make it two steps before the teacher briskly excused me from the workshop.
Did she say get into two groups, gays and straights?
Yeah.
Yeah. It's crazy that something good came out of the pandemic.
Yeah. I'd say.
You can almost, it's like they're far apart for some reason. Yeah. And you kind of, yeah. It's really.
Oh, my gosh.
Just not in L.A.
I wanted to ask you what is because this book does encompass a lot about girlhood. Yes. What is your favorite and least favorite part of girlhood?
We're going on a tour called Two Dykes and a Mike going hog wild. It is very exciting. Somebody did write to us recently. I thought I was going to go hog mild until I saw this tour. Yeah. I loved that. That's what I'm talking about.
We love Minneapolis.
He's signing autographs up front.
I love everything that you're saying. Okay, thank you. Okay, and then we have April 19th, we're in Washington, D.C. Yes. April 23rd, L.A. Yes. Hi. April 26th, we're in Denver. Then we have May 10th, St. Pete. May 11th, Atlanta. May 17th, we are in St. Louis.
Keep going. It's not. Keep going. Stop. Keep going. Stop, I'm scared. Then we have May 18th, we have Chicago. May 30th to the 31st, we have two shows in Seattle. Please sell that out, you guys. June 7th, high pride month, Portland. Then we have June 12th, we're in Pittsburgh. June 13th, Brooklyn. June 14th, Boston. This is our Hog Wild tour. If you've seen us, it is a brand new show.
This is all new material. This show is so much fun. If you're single and you want to come and meet people, we have the Mackenzie's Mingler section. And if you want to come and be horny with your lover, we also have every other seat available.
I haven't told you this. Okay. But I went a couple weeks ago. Remember, we had Dason on. Of course. And we were talking about Face Gym. Oh, yes. I had a Face Gym appointment. And this, we are not sponsored by Face Gym. We're not affiliated. We are not affiliated with Face Gym. I'm not affiliated with anyone. I'm not affiliated with any gym. No gym. I'll tell you what. So I go in.
And this is, I was, I'm like, I'm excited for, it's a massage. It's a facial. Right? I walk in. The first thing that is there, it says, this isn't a facial. No. It's a workout. So the vibes are bad. The vibes are not what I... You're falling apart. I don't... You're not going to find this in a gym. Okay, I don't like gym settings.
And it's so soft. It's so soft. Balessa has always been our favorite company to work with because we actually genuinely love these products.
That's too much cardio for me.
No, I got my stitches out on my leg and they were like, you can't actually run for another two weeks. And I was like, thank God. You were like. Thank God my wife heard that. The doctor said so. I can't. Okay. So I walk in and they're like. it's a workout bitch and they're like here's Marsha she's gonna be your trainer today and I was like everything they said I was like
They had a sweatband on. I literally was like, I hate it here.
Then they have that bread ball that they kind of just rub on your face. A bread ball?
So then I had, so they were like, obviously your jaw's tense. And I was like, she caught me.
She's like, God, your jaw is so tight. And I was like, ask your mom about it. So anyways, I chew a lot of gum. So she's like, we should do this massage on your jaw muscles specifically. Right. Did you get that?
So this is, this is what happens at face gym. So I'm already breaded out. I'm already breaded out and I'm uncomfortable. Cause I'm like, I'm, I don't fit in here. She's way too talkative. It's not a fake. It's very, well, it's very straight. It's very hetero. And then she's, she's a little too talkative for my light. When I'm getting a facial, I want to be calm. I want to not talk.
I just want you to rub my face. Right. Did you do the... So she does the jaw stuff, right? The jaw massage upgrade, the add-on? It was the add-on. And here's the thing. I bet you didn't know this. They go in. Yeah. They go in your hole. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They enter. And for those of you not watching, I am pointing at my mouth, not of all the holes.
So she puts on a glove. It's black, which I don't like.
For those of you who don't know, I did just wash my hands for this. So when I came home, I want you to know, I had to show Erica because of how insane what this woman did. She stuck her finger in my mouth. She's working it, she's working it, she's working it. When she's done, it's about five minutes later, instead of pulling her hand out, Quickly. Uh-huh.
She pulled it out so slow that it went like this.
It was unbelievable. Like where I literally was like, how dare you? I told you I'm married. Yes. I was like, this is HR, HR. Dude. The slowness with which she released her finger from my mouth, dude, was unacceptable. Dude, it's like so, it's so fucked up. You can't do that. No. Imagine a dentist. Lingering in your lips. Stop. No. Dude, unacceptable. Dude.
And then she did it the next time when she did the other side. And the whole time I was waiting for the finger to slip out.
I can never go back. I can never go back. After you suck on a woman's thumb twice, I want to be the one to suck on the thumb. I don't want you to make me suck your thumb.
It's my choice.
Yeah, I would have slurped it in. I should have asked. May I? Let me help you out there. Dude. Dude, I hated it. I hated it so much. Shout out Face Gym for making me feel creepy. Shout out Face Gym for ruining all of our lives.
We have no idea what these ads are. Everyone is DM us being like, hey, the Army's putting commercials on your two decks and a mic. Yeah, we're like episodes. Yeah. Listen, we don't have any say over that.
But here we are. Do you have an update for me? I do. I have an update for you. And then we will get into, this was one of my favorite episodes that we've ever done. It's a two-parter with Dylan Mulvaney. She just released a book today. Please go out and get it. It's called Paper Doll. It's so fucking good, you guys. So we'll get into that soon.
It's a spoiler for what's to come.
I do love doing that bit to you. I know, it's fun. Well, so many... Do you know what?
I know.
Yeah. They're like, could you get off FaceTime with Rachel?
Don't make me laugh hard.
BRB.
Yes.
Okay. I've got to ask a dyke tonight. I've got to know.
Yeah.
Once a dyke, always a dyke.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
What did she find?
Thank you for having me. You're very excited.
Well, okay. So I've actually, I haven't, this is the first time we're meeting meeting, but I like met you in passing before, like outside of the studios one time. Oh, yes. I was with my sister and we were here cause she was guesting on one of our friends podcast. Her name's Avery Woods. She's super sweet. And so, um, yeah, you guys met my sister and you guys went inside.
I told my sister, do you know who that is? And she goes, no, I go, that's two dykes and a mic. And her friend was like horrified. Like I was just saying slurs and I go, wait, that's the name of their podcast. And I go, and I'm also a dyke. So I could say that. And then she was like, Oh, okay. Like, I'm just casually calling. I'm like, it's your fucking dykes on a mic. Can you believe that?
So I told my mom, I was like, it's that podcast. And she was like, oh, no way. So we're so excited. So I'm honestly honored to be here.
But like, it's like in a cool way. Yeah, I feel that. Yeah.
But I'm down.
No, I don't want other people calling me a dyke. I like to call other dykes dykes. That's different. For sure. I feel that, yeah. I noticed your dyke ring. Oh, yeah. What's her name? Did you guys watch I Kissed a Girl? Yeah. Yes. So Amy, in the show, she makes these rings. Yes. And then I got them on one of the drops and I was so excited about it.
So watching a lesbian version of it, I was like, oh, it's so much faster because they're lesbians, which I appreciate.
I'm over it. But then they're both amicable. I get it, honestly. Whereas in Love Island, they're like, he literally said he loved me yesterday. And then I'm crying too, I feel for her. But when they're lesbians, I'm like, no, that makes sense. I would do that too. Are you watching The Big Brother, Italy?
no oh my god there's lesbians on there i think i've seen it on tiktok i haven't watched it though that's only where everybody's consuming it is tiktok but i'm so deeply invested we talked about it last episode where they're like they're in love and then they're breaking up and then they're in love again and it's mad drama me trying to explain that to straight people is hard where i'm like no we're like friends but like in a way we're like we still are in love with each other we want to be together but we have too much going on but we're just friends but also my girlfriend like yes
And sometimes we rub her lower back. And I rub her lower back. It's so real.
And I did take her to my family Christmas, but like as my friend, but also my girlfriend. I'm like, I don't know how to explain this. It's not part of your culture.
It's hard trying to explain that to people. Especially my family, because everyone's straight. And I'm like, oh, you just don't get it. It's fine.
Like out of this whole family. I think about that all the time.
No, it's too much. You're the only queer person in your family, too? In my immediate family, yeah. Insane. Once I met my other queer cousins, I go, okay, I can feel the energy shifting. Yes. But when it's just me, I'm like, oh, it's just me. It's crazy. Do you have a lot of gay friends? Yeah. I think community is so much more important than people think about. Yes.
Because I think a lot of people worry more about how to queer signal if they're not masked or butch or a stud or anything like that. Yeah. No, I'm more worried about like having queer friends because then they understand the queer experience and there's certain aspects of it that like other people can't understand.
discord about nails in the lesbian community sure so I had always done the long ones so because I was in a relationship for a really long time and she thought nails were a waste of money I was like no you're right they're stupid what and then when we broke up my sister was like fuck her get your nails and so I started doing the nails and I was like oh if I do the two short ones it'll be like if I meet someone and maybe I did and that's what you're doing and now I just like because it queer signals so I didn't start doing it till like probably September but I've been doing the long nails for like three years it's manifesting yeah but now I have a question what if you're with a partner who's like
hey could you do three okay wait this isn't that's different then i would then i would adjust yeah you'd break one off immediately i mean i would yeah if she wanted it right then in there i'd be like you're gonna give me like five seconds i have to rip it the whole thing off yeah but also the answer is still yes yeah 100 i'll see you in five yeah you're like Yeah. Literally sweating. Yeah.
Hold on. Hold on.
No, I would do that if it made sense to her.
Yeah. No, it's nice to be flexible. No. And so because so many people are like, oh, why don't you do the ring one in the middle? I'm like, worry about your machine. Don't worry about mine. Don't worry about what I'm doing. The other ones are better for you. Let me worry about my fingers. I'm not worried about you.
I know what I want.
For you.
do they give you like a a discount a like a knowing look well the girl i've been going to i've been going to for almost three years so like i have she knows i'm a lesbian so i told her like one day i'll probably get two short ones and she's like okay like doesn't care i'm like okay so then when i asked her she's like okay and then she started doing it so i love it's really nice yeah and then she'll post like videos no still full price when she posts like videos of my nails um she's like people message her and be like why are those too short and she's like don't worry about it's in your business yes ally
yeah they're like wow yeah mine is I'll sit down they go do you want me to do your eyebrows too and I go no and they're like upper lip I go no are you sure and I go no I'm good thank you no I'm good my whole life they've done that to me my mom and I laugh because I know like they'll circle my chair like I know they're gonna ask me every time
Because where I get my hands done is a different person for where I go to pedicures and stuff.
My whole life. So that's why I'm used to it.
Do you want to look at our laser hair removal packages? Right.
No, I feel that.
Yeah, you're more worried about them judging you than you are, or perceiving you. Yes. Than enjoying the experience.
I used to do eyelash extensions for a while and then I went off them, like, halfway through the year. I'm clean from eyelash extensions. I weaned myself off one lash at a time. One at a time, yeah. I did that for a while and then it was kind of just like over it. And then I'm trying to think. I think like, because I get asked about queer signaling a lot being a femme.
I'm like, I think that now I'm just like, whatever I'm wearing is going to be gay because I'm wearing it. Like, I went to literal dyke day and had a shirt on that said dykes only allowed and people were still like, here is an ally.
I'm like, it's never what you're wearing. Like, I can feel it. Yeah, it's your essence. It's like my sixth sense. Like, I can feel it. I'm like, oh, that's a dyke. And it'll be someone that, like, hasn't come out yet. Or they're like, I don't know, maybe I just like different girls. I'm like, you're a lesbian and you'll realize that, like, as time goes on.
So is your gaydar, has your gaydar always been good? For lesbians, yes. For men, no. And I think it's because I don't care about men.
yeah yeah for a really long time well first i thought i was straight like for a really long time um until i went to college me offended i had like i know like for way too long and then i had like all through like middle school high school i had so many boy crushes i wasn't allowed to date so that also made it confusing for me when i got to high school that i was like or college i was like i don't know but i had a new boy crush every day and my sister was like repulsed by men like when we were in high school she was like they're gross and i hate all of them and now she's engaged to someone we went to high school yeah
And so then she was like, but I was always like, don't tell him I like him. Like, blah, blah, blah. And then when I got to college, the first thing on my first day of school, I joined the women's rugby team. Yep. And I was like, there you go. You know, I'm like, these are literally my friends and I'm an ally. And then I go and then everyone I'm assuming is a dyke because most of them are.
And they're all being nice to me. And I was like doing that internally homophobic thing where I'm like, they all like me because I'm so charming and I'm a woman and they love women. Right. And I'm like, oh, no, they have types and that's homophobic. Right. And then I met one girl on my team and I was like, oh, that feels weird. Like, I, like, didn't know how to react around her.
And I, like, but I would, like, go out of my way to spend time with her or sit next to her. Whereas, like, when I had crushes on guys in high school, it would be, like, I stare at him across from the room and don't talk to him. So I dated her for eight years, got engaged. And was still, like. Wait, did you, you proposed or she proposed? We, like, planned it together. We did it during COVID. Oh.
and so so from college so i dated her my freshman year of college till i graduated and then four more years after that yeah we were together for a really long time she was my first kiss my first relationship my first anything so it was even more confusing trying to explain it to my family because i had never seen women like that before like been attracted to them like that and then well i think i wasn't being honest about it because when i look back i'm like like i had the biggest crush on hayley kyoko i think that was my true awakening and lemonade mouth i was like
oh i love this movie my sister's like it's horrible though but i was like but i love her but i really like it i just really relate to the character she's a lesbian you don't understand and then yeah so with my ex we were together for that long and then we broke up and right when we broke up my sister's platform blew up and so i moved home and then i'm like starting all over and so yeah and then i didn't start calling myself a lesbian until i turned 30 at the end of 2023
So I was mostly going by queer because I was like, I don't know, maybe I still like men. And then I finally was like, if a man never talked to me ever again, I wouldn't give a fuck. And I was like, okay, I'm a dyke. And then I was like, that feels good.
You did it. A thousand percent. That feels good. And I always tell people, too, that, like, labels are not finite. So, like, you could say you're a lesbian and then be, like, just kidding. Yeah. I'm one guy or whatever. Like, I just think that labels are so important for so many reasons, but I also think that they can be really scary and, like, daunting to, like, feel like you have to pick one.
I can't believe eight years with the first girl you fell in love with I need I have like a thousand follow-up questions if I may yeah please what position did you play in rugby I was a prop so I did but yeah so I was I think tight first and then I I fucked up one of my fingers so then I had to be loose prop but yeah I was always in the front row I played 15s so alone I play sevens yeah um which is half the amount of people so it's but it's the same field like size so it's like
a thousand times more running yeah it's like oh no not gonna do that no so 15s is like there's literally 15 of you playing on there's 30 people on the field at once it's insane i've never played yeah you played 15 yeah okay what position do you play i was a wing oh cute yeah i ran fast i was i always wanted to be in the front line though because that i felt like was way more fun rugby but no forward forward pack was like the dyke year girls i feel like the more the thumbs were um
Either queer or they're always trans. I feel like I've had so many friends. I'm like, oh, cool. I love that for you.
Because I played so many different – I played soccer and, like, volleyball mostly growing up. And so I, like, my senior year of high school, the last, like, senior event I did was a powder puff game. And it was supposed to be flagged, but it turned very physical very fast. Hell yeah. So I was like, you're not going to shove me to the ground. I'm going to shove you to the ground.
And so I told my uncle I loved it so much. And he was like, oh, why don't you try rugby? Yeah. And I'm Polynesian, so everyone plays that. So I was like, oh, I'll try it. And so I always told everyone, I was like, it's like being in a very lesbian sorority. Yes. But it's almost worse because they're dating each other. And then they're breaking up and cheating.
And then we're having a social and so-and-so is kissing over here. And she thought she was talking to this person. And then I'm like, I don't know what any of you are talking about. I was like the token straight girl on my team for the first like three months. Wow. But I was also very femme. So like all my friends like dress like men on my team.
And then I was like wearing short shorts and bows in my hair. And I was like, oh, I don't know. And then I met one girl on the team. I was like, I don't know. I feel weird. Yeah, that's different. And I think being around because I didn't grow up around queer women at all. I grew up around more queer men because my mom coached cheer my whole life.
So I like I obviously knew about lesbians, but I didn't grow up like seeing them or being around them. So I think being around that many different variations of what a queer woman could look like changed my perspective, obviously. And then and it was so normal. Like no one was like. I went to school in Oregon, so it's pretty gay out there. Everyone's like, yeah, it's like whatever.
And I'm like, oh. And I grew up in Southern California where it's not like that at all. So I think it helped me embrace my queerness for sure. Had anybody ever clocked you? No.
And I don't get clocked. Yeah, hardly ever. But I think that's what I'm saying. It's the energy. I feel like younger queers are so obsessed with presenting queer, which I love that too because that's really important. But our generation was more energy vibes.
I feel like I had elements of it, yeah.
Super gay. Something with brass instruments, yeah.
We get it.
That is super gay. Because only boys would do that because it's so heavy and big. It's so heavy.
That was me with a saxophone. I was like, what's the biggest one? I'm going to play that one.
Yeah. If your instrument has a neck. I'm like licking my lips, putting my little chapstick thingy on it. Yeah, it was locked in.
Yeah, like a clarinet. Gay. Gay. Flute gives bi vibes, I feel that, but kind of more straight, but yeah. But there's something. Yeah. Queer about it, yeah. What do we think about piano, though? Also gay.
I was already day theming you too in 2012 people were like can you imagine people I had no idea but when I would leave rooms they would turn to my friends and be like that's my worst nightmare I had no idea that happened to me when I was a freshman this was before I was dating my ex too like I had friends they weren't even my friends it was like boys that were friends with like my friends and they'd be like oh is she gay now like her friends and I'm like you don't even know my friends right I know but yes right and it's none of your business
You might have different things to worry about.
I have some priorities ahead of you.
I know. My sister, like, could give a fuck. She was like, none of them are good enough for me. Because my sister's like, I'm going to date someone famous. I love hot energy. Very strong vibe.
Yeah, so, and I don't know if that's, like, maybe just Polynesian, but we were, yeah, like, my parents were, like, you go to school, you go play sports, and then you come home. Like, I don't want you to worry. Like, they were, like, don't get a job. I just want you to be good in school. I kind of love that. And then I went to college, and then I was, like, they don't know this about me. Yeah.
When I met my friend. You're, like, this is my friend from rugby. My good, good friend. That, like, yeah. And then, yeah, and then we dated for a really long time, broke up, so, yeah. Was she masc? Yeah. Yeah, when I first met her. Yeah. And then I felt like as we were dating, then she became more like chapstick lesbian type. I never know how to describe that to people.
I'm like, it's like a tasteful masculine, but it's not masc, but it is, but it's not femme, but it is.
That's a soft butch. Yeah. There's like a softness. Yeah. I feel like people are afraid to use that word and I don't know why.
Yeah, I agree.
She has a lip tint on, yeah.
You know? I feel that. Yeah.
But Pedro Pascal, I'm like, I want to have a loving relationship with you, but not in a sexual way.
I think Pedro's kind of feminine to me.
They're a little ratatouille. Like Timothee, I guess. Yeah, yeah. But Timothee is soft. He's too small. It's like when men are like, so like if I can go like this around you, that's too small. That's too small. But then I still also don't find you sexually attractive. Like it's just like, I'll be like, oh, he's hot, but not really. This is fascinating. Have you guys seen Baby Girl?
I just watched it. Yes, of course. That man? Of course, 100%. That man? So I was like, I fall for White Boy of the Month every year. So I'm like, yeah, let's watch it. I thought he was hot in the Iron Claw. Oh, I didn't even know he was in that. In the Iron Claw? Yeah, in the Iron Claw he was hot. That's why I'm like, I like to look at you, but if they talk to me, I'd be like, don't talk to me.
I hate you. Don't come up to me. No.
I'm like, oh, I have to spend time with you. I want to talk to you. Yeah. Whereas like men, they would talk to me and be like, he's so annoying. You just said you liked him today. I don't know what I was talking about.
ever never once that's like the only men that are in my life are in my family and it's like maybe it's like my dad and my brother yeah my brother-in-law that's good yeah yeah no one that's enough yeah no knowing three men should be like the max yeah and if there's extras i'm like you gotta be extra special especially if they're white right sorry no offense but yeah i'm like a white straight man you gotta go through a couple more filters yeah i hate to be this dyke but
It's the first night they've spent together?
Okay. Because at first I was thinking the same thing of them. Just tell them, I have to fart really bad and it's weird and I have to do it right now. Even first night, I would laugh at that. Would you? Yeah. I don't think that would piss me off. If it smelled really bad. Like, I would rather someone warn me than you silently fart and then me get mad. Yeah.
And then I smell it and then I'm pissed off. I would rather be, like, forewarned. Would you be pissed off? I'd just be like, why couldn't you at least warn me? I wouldn't be mad at you. If I knew it was coming, then I'd be like, okay, that's fine. Okay. But if it came without warning, then I'd be pissed off and be like, well, now I'm just smelling shit.
And then I'm going to want to ask you, did you fart? But I'm going to be embarrassed. And now I'm embarrassed even though you farted. So why am I embarrassed? I would rather someone tell me. Okay, so you're on...
you're on her side on sylvia's side yeah sylvia's side right can i get yours i would laugh farts are funny okay wait even night one though yeah i've dated someone before and she told me she was scared to fart around me and i said i don't know why i don't care okay i'm like if you if you tell me i don't care it's because i told her one time i dated someone who wouldn't tell me and then it would just sneak up on me i'm like yeah because it smells horrible like if you tell me i'm gonna fart i'm sorry and i'm like okay you don't even have to say sorry if i have a morning i don't care
But if it just sneaks up on me, I'm pissed off. Yeah. And then I'm like, did you fart? And then now you're mad at me that I noticed, but I can smell it. Now we're farting. Now it's my fault. Now we're fighting about the fart.
Even though you farted.
Yeah. Okay. And then we laugh. And we laugh. Right. For sure. However. But men are gross. So never mind.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes. Two dykes. Two dykes. One mic. One mic. One mic. One mic. Yeah. Two dykes. Two dykes. Who dykes? Who dykes? We dykes. We dykes. We dykes. Yeah.
If I can't make it silent, I'm not holding it in. I'm going to find a way to let it out. Yeah. I'm going to play a song in the bathroom at my mom's party.
or flush the toilet a hundred times.
Yeah, they're like, no, do it.
That was... I'm trying to... Because, yeah, I thought, oh, maybe she's trans, but I was also thinking, that's also none of your business to, like, clock people. Right, for sure. When you're like, I wonder what business she works in. I'm like, she works at Face Gym for some reason. I was definitely picturing Face Gym as well. They're beating up your face. Your hot dog's just out. It's crazy.
But I was thinking, maybe she's thinking of, like, an Audi vagina versus, like, an Innie. Okay. Because Audis kind of look like a hot dog. So I'm thinking hot dog
That juicy ass hot dog. So I was like, why even bring up other people's vaginas anyway? So if you're seeing them. Right. Maybe they do like Brazilian waxing or something. Yeah. But then you would. You look at hot dogs all the time. Yeah. You must be in and out of dog city. It's crazy. I think about those people. All the time. I can't imagine. Your face is just in pussy all the time. That's crazy.
And butts.
Because I think you're just so, like, you're not, like, opposed to being around vaginas. Yeah.
They're like, oh, my God, her tits are out. Yeah. And you're like, what are we doing? Yeah.
I'm assuming that's what she meant. Because at first I thought it was her clit or something. I'm like, why are you looking at her? Well, that would be insane. She'd be like, did you see that massive clit?
But I just think, like, I don't know what they do for work, but I just think it's weird to talk about. It is. It's inappropriate.
No, and you shouldn't be talking about other people's bodies, I think.
I get, like, being curious. Yeah.
Because it sounds awful to say, but men do that shit all the time. They're like, well, I'm just trying to sleep with people and fuck around. And they're not honest about their intentions. But I think, especially if you're going to try it in a queer way, I would be honest and upfront about your intentions for sure. I agree.
Like figuring it out or whatever. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Which I don't even know that you need to experience sexually with women to know if you're attracted to women.
I've never been with a man. I'm like considered a gold star lesbian. I've never been with a man, but I don't want men to talk to me ever. And when I look back on my life, when I thought I was straight or like pan or whatever, I'm like, no, I've always been like that. Like I, I don't need to kiss you or sleep with you to know if I'm a lesbian or not.
I wouldn't even be worrying about having sex. Yeah.
I'm trying to get eight.
It's really amazing.
She's good.
Oh, yeah.
Fucking hot.
Do you have anything you want to plug your handle, your podcast, anything? Uh, yeah, you can follow me at Jason off a wall on Instagram and Tik TOK. And then I have a podcast with my sister drew off a wall called two idiot girls. We post every Tuesday.
Oh, you guys post on Tuesdays too?
I'm Deysen Alphawala.
If we aren't one being. It's my fight or flight. It's like coming out in such crazy ways. Yeah. I grew a tail.
It's very similar.
Yeah. E and I were talking about that because we started dating during the pandemic. And it's very similar. We are stuck in our house. We are masked up. It's a very stressful time. There's a threat to your life. It's very similar.
Yeah. Like if we're in an airplane, put the mask on yourself first and then help others.
Let's get into some gay news news. Dude, I feel bad for Dennis Quaid. It's the first time I'll ever feel bad for a straight white man. Especially Dennis Quaid. Isn't he the one that came out and was like unbelievable? He's a Trump supporter. Speaking of Trump supporter, we do want to get into Carrie Underwood.
So it was announced this week, perfect timing during the wildfires, that Carrie Underwood would be singing at the inauguration of President Dump.
Regarding Carrie. Here's the thing. And this is when I first knew she was a bitch. Back, it was years ago. And I used to work all those award shows. I was working the Country Music Awards. And she made a lot of our lives a living hell that year. Because she was coming in and it was the Country Music Awards in Vegas. And she was like, no one can see me. She didn't want anyone seeing her.
She was like, you're not going to see my face because... I had a terrible accident and she took all this time off and was like, next time you see me, I'll be unrecognizable. And all of us were obviously very good about it. We were like, let, you know, give her her privacy. Right. Rehearsals are closed. Do not look at her. Whatever. I thought, She's going to be like disfigured. Right.
And I don't know if you've seen her now. She looks the exact same. Nothing happened. So she was making all of our lives a living hell for literally no reason. That's when I first knew that she was not up. Something's amiss.
I think one and they can be very similar. Right. I think that she I guess she was very anti-vax, very anti-mask during COVID as well. So she's kind of been on this type of this type of grind. Yeah.
We should have known. If you're singing for the NFL, you're probably.
That crosses all types of lines.
no i i think it's right in my range unfortunately yeah before he cheeses right in my range here's the thing it's a great song yeah don't give a shit i know i'm over i'm over it i hope tons of people stop listening to her me too although she has like one song let's be real she's got one song if you're looking to replace carrie underwood kelly clarkson all day she doesn't need to be replaced okay but i lift it up it's the shirt but i've cut the holes out
Okay. What are some of the things that you're leaving? And then I would like to just do it now because the moon is still technically new. Is she still new? She's still new. It was last night. Okay. Okay. You have a 24-hour grace period, especially if you're gay. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the moon is up there, and she's like, I'll give you some grace, especially during the fires. Yeah.
They're hanging out.
covered in ash no sorry what do you think about the village people also being his I mean what a wait what so it's Carrie Underwood and the village people are openly gay YMCA band I don't think that they're openly queer I don't think they are village people their song is gay the queer community has taken that song and it's like that's a gay song that they were gay if they are they're out I didn't think they were
I'm upset. They're going to be at the Inagi. Leah, could you fact check us and pop it up?
That's going to be a stinker of a show.
I don't know if they know that. I'm upset. I don't know if Trump supporters know that. The village people? The village people. I know. Listen, I know. My eye. I know. Trust me. Okay. In other gay news, I don't know if you saw this, but Zoe Saldana was recently doing, you know, a little bit of press for Amelia Perez. Of course. and said, in a quote, women just kiss better.
Women are better kissers. I did see this. It was all over the internet. Yeah. This is very fun. And do you disagree? Why do you disagree? I'm somebody who... You know what's fun? Leah, cut Rachel's... Come straight in to me, like, mugshot style. And it says like, loves kissing men. Cut Rachel's portion out to be like, I do love kissing men.
cool just so my i feel like my eye's gonna pop out of its socket me too i don't feel well okay you first kissed a boy my first kiss was a boy what was his name matt is that okay to say why not i don't know do you think he's gonna come for you lawyer up bitch you know this is what so let me paint you a picture okay how old was he i don't know what do you mean no we were both in third grade okay
To her. You said they're just historically better kissers.
You know what's crazy? Mm-hmm. I was way older. Well, I was such a... I think anybody listening to this podcast, watching us for any amount of time, could tell that you were an early bloomer and I was a late bloomer.
That's not the time for that. Please. I'm never going to light a fire again.
You've said that in your stand-up, you've been like, I was a late bloomer. I didn't first hook up with a girl until, like, what?
Why are we not playing this as adults? Play this in the workplace. Okay. Okay. Spotify. Spotify. Sabrina. So we would play Zap.
I'm not lighting candles, which is honestly my goal. You know that I have a there's a massive candle that I spent so much money on. Yeah. Five to six dollars. It's huge. It's in the center of my table. I did not want to burn. I love that candle. And Erica, without my permission. Yeah. Burned the candle. Burn did it.
Tons of lipstick.
yeah it's just oh anyways in other gay news uh traders season three is out and this is on you better believe it peacock can i say unprompted i fucking love peacock okay we are not sponsored by peacock where nothing of us is but peacock here's the thing did you go pro i went pro okay i went pro because we talked about it and here's the thing so i deeply went into as we've been talking about i went deep into the housewives i've been housewifing it up but then traders came on
yes so I we've been getting into traitors in my house I love that Bob the drag queen's on I love the Gabby Wendy's on yep we have an incredible Chrishell also is that twin who's a wrestler Nikki is she queer the jaw is but is she I don't know I don't think she might have a husband right the Bella twins both had husbands but I think they both have since left those husbands okay but so it's it's TBD they're not like openly queer I don't think they're openly queer but I do think that if you are a female wrestler yeah come on
Wait, you know what I just, okay, hold on. I've always been watching Raw. I have been watching Raw on Netflix. Here's the thing, and I hate because that is so deeply not who I am to my core. No, it's not. I know who you are. It's not. I'm not that type of person.
Tits are fully out. I don't know. I knew it was going to be weird. Just leave it. I like wrestling for this reason. I love seeing any type of person in next to nothing doing a flip in the air and then landing on someone. Me too. That's fucking fun. Me too. Do you know what I like? That's the only thing I like to see. And they never break a sweat. Do you know what I like? They never break a sweat.
Well, they're oiled up. Yeah, it's not sweaty. It's oily.
And they pile drive. That's a pile drive. Yes. Which I don't know because I don't watch it. Rachel loves kissing boys. Okay. I love... Well, they're better kissers. So we're watching Traitors. We're watching Traitors. It's unbelievably queer.
Because I come home. Did she trim the wick even? Oh, she didn't trim the wick. I know. It's over. She has the audacity to go. It doesn't really even smell that good. Okay.
I love a game show, though, like of deception. Yes. I think that's so fun to try and find out which one. Who's lying and stuff. Oh, I love a who's lying game.
Yeah. So they're all kind of going around. I love that housewives are there. Me too. I actually need way more housewives. Me too. Give me a 50 to 60-year-old woman. I know, they just have a target on their back. I know, because they're not good at playing games like this.
But I wonder if that's how Bob is gonna get
Yeah, you find out immediately that I first think it was like, OK, what if the traitors are listening? You know, it was filmed a year ago. Right. It was filmed fully last summer. Yeah. But yeah, I'm so excited that we have such a queer cast and it is just so fun. Like this is such a fun show.
I'm like, this is all inspo. He's awesome.
And it's just fun. Yeah.
And I was like, babe. Yeah, I know Alan Cummings' work. It's just Spy Kids. Dude, Spice World, though. Spice World. Listen.
I do need more full frontal, though. For sure. As I've been saying. Great note. I need more scissoring on camera. Mm-hmm. And more scissoring on camera. And I think that's why you're going to like Monday Night Raw. They do scissor a lot. They're always scissoring. Can I tell you something that happened recently? Erica hurt her hip and I... From... Different. Something different.
You see why I thought that, though? Well, so... She hurt her hip. And I was like, hey, just so you know, like, I know that one day one of us when we get older, one of us will eventually probably break a hip. For sure. And I said, by that time, I want you to know that when we have grandkids, I am going to text them and say that you broke it during scissoring. For sure. And please pray for grandma.
That's so funny. I'm like, I'm keeping that in my back pocket for when one of us does break it. Inevitably break a hip. You have to make a sex joke.
Hashtag pray for her.
Should I have not said that? No, you can. I think that people are having way different reactions. I think like I was joking with you when we called each other and I was like,
erica really wants it and we're trying to evacuate and she won't get off of me i think you said that as a joke and then it but you were like same and then i was like wait but it actually might be the same for you i was kidding because i was like i'm trying to make levity of the situation because it was so scary and like everyone's nervous but no that hasn't happened to us yet where it's like we have five minutes we better go um
I've been... But I'm such a go, go, go, like get in the car, you know.
No. My eye. My eye. Did you, and this is a serious question for the Sharks and Diamonds.
How many sex toys did you pack in your evacuation to go back?
here's the thing i was like i was like phone yes phone charger bank yes and then once they were full i was like you may just yes make sure this guy is i'll never need to charge anymore because balessa gave us so many sex toys that i'm like i have so many that i'm like i'll never in my lifetime need to charge another one i actually felt guilty how many sex toys i charged up i said this is privilege i gotta donate this to the queer community i know
I don't know. I don't know why we're here. We're actually not out of the clear. Spotify was like, are you sure you want to come in? We said. Our guests canceled, which is fair. I mean, people are gone. People are not in the city anymore. My left eye won't stop twitching. I'm unwell. Yeah. What would you like to say? What are you letting go of? Besides your breasts.
If there's any people in need in our community, let us know. Balessa has sent us way too much and I haven't even opened half of them.
I hope so. Everyone's doing the exact same thing.
Shut up. So am I. You bitch. I'm more of a Cancer than you are. Are you? Yeah. No. Yeah, you're always like, I'm a Gemini cusp. I'm a Gemini. I know, but that's like a Cancer thing to be like, I'm not actually that bad. Tell me your quip. All right, so I'm setting up a scenario. We're in Costco. We're in Costco. I'm right behind you, and I'm like, wow, fuck you. You took the last water.
No, it's toilet paper. Wow, fuck you.
We stress-saw this movie, and I will say a lot of our listeners have been hitting us up. About talking about it? Yeah. So this is perfect. I didn't think it was... a two dykes and a mic movie. I did. Really? Yeah. I didn't, but then there was technically, if we're getting technical, there was a scene with WLW. Was there? Yeah. That woman that gives her ecstasy water.
Mackenzie knows the correct term. It's neither. Dude, can I just say that there's some times that we'll watch back these episodes and I go, oof. Ooh, you're old. Oh, I'm going to look back at this one and think to myself-
Yeah. No, I'm just saying, like, there's things that I explain where I'm like, you are a grandmother.
Tongue, all the time.
Okay, that's all. Okay, we are now going to review Baby Girl. Baby Girl. Which is? A sex movie. It is almost exclusively a sex movie.
Yeah, I was listening to an interview with, I think her name is Helena. Yes, the director. The director who did Bodies, Bodies, Bodies. Same director. She's unbelievable. But she was like, this is a... She described it as a dark comedy thriller. Interesting. Yeah. I get that. Which I thought was interesting.
Yeah. So it is a high-powered CEO of a company similar to Amazon. You mean... She-E-O. Thank you.
It's so annoying. She-E-O is not right. It's actually making my eye twitch again. My eye is constantly twitching. So she is... This is played by Nicole Kidman. And she is a very high-powered businesswoman who is heading into the office one day and... There is a German shepherd that is barking out of control on the street. And all of a sudden, a young man, a strapping young man, whistles.
He's very strapping. The strapping young man whistles and gets the dog under control. And she is beside herself. She's never seen something so powerful and sexy and seductive in her life. We also open on her fake coming. So she's with her husband having sex. Antonio Banderas. Antonio Banderas. Shout out. His voice. Shout out Puss in Boots. Star of the show. Sorry. Star of the show.
The best character in the movie. He's having sex with his wife. He's the best character. He is. I left and was like, A.B. all day. He's having sex with his wife. She is on top. She's riding him. She comes. Then we cut to she goes to another room. Yeah. She opens up her laptop. She starts watching Pern. Yes. And then has to masturbate.
Yeah. This is the second movie this week that I watched of Nicole Kidman masturbating face down.
Same movie. Same plot. Well, no, I was watching a different movie and... I forget what it's called. Isn't she the one with Zac Efron, too, where he's a baby? Yeah, that one, too, but this one was called Margot at the Wedding, and it's her going to her sister's wedding, but there was a scene of her... She just needed to masturbate face down? Masturbating face down.
Dude, the hands, the wrists.
Yes. You and I are both right next to the evacuation zone. Yeah. We are like, we are the next. So it's a ready, set, go system for evacuating. And right now we are right, we are in the ready.
Well, I'm just like carpal tunnel. I'm like, I'm worried for her physical well-being.
It's tough because you're asking a married lesbian. Okay, but I'm also a married lesbian. I think The Rock is hot. I'm not seeing it for this man. I think he's a good looking man. And I think he was perfectly cast. I think he played the role amazing.
We're right next to the set, which is the yellow on, if you're on the watch duty app. Which if you're not.
Yeah. Yeah. That was. Yeah. I think he had he's a very good actor. I have a few notes. Yeah. Because I really, really liked almost. We have to tell them what the movie is about. You guys get it. It's a sex movie. So it's an older woman. She starts sleeping with her intern. She has an intern at this like Amazon type of company.
And has a dom sub relationship with him where he is treating her in essence like a dog. A little bit of pup play. Yeah. So she has a lot of and there are a lot of images where she in her head is thinking of herself as this German shepherd. Especially at the last scene is her going back and forth with that.
I thought the acting rocked. The score was one of the best things about the movie. It was. Everything I kept when I left, I was like, that was an unbelievable score. I was shocked it didn't win at the Globes. Did you see Nostra? Challengers won.
At its core. Can I tell you, we're having a renaissance of older women fucking tiny little young boy movies. Yes, we are. I saw a couple foreign films. Cran Crathaway. Cran Crathaway. Did the one with the, like, One Direction-esque. But not only just, like, those hallmark-y, like, Netflix, straight-to-Netflix movies. Yeah.
I'm seeing, like, a lot of foreign films that are trying to, not trying, but, like, they're almost Oscar-nominated. A lot of that.
And I love that. And I love where we're going. Me too. As a society. But I'm going to need it to be not just 18 to 25 year old boys.
I'm more here for a vampire. I'm more here for a vampire because at least it's age appropriate. I know, but his body count, so high. Love.
Just so you know.
Except for. Can we talk about.
I'm really good in situations like this. Yes, you are. I handle pressure well. Yes. My wife doesn't, and as I said recently, she is like a toddler on crack cocaine. And I think that's a good energy. And she's so, I almost said Norwegian, but she is from New Jersey. She is Norwegian in a lot of senses. Yes. So wait, I have to tell you. So we did get that.
Was it one? Is that why I was like, it was one take didn't move the whole. So everybody who I went with, our theater was empty. Our theater was full. Wow. And we had a couple people who couldn't handle that scene. It was intense. Did they leave? No, they started making jokes. And I think that they were. Yeah, I think they were uncomfortable.
The whole theater was uncomfortable with the scene because it was it's a one take. I mean, it's practically softcore porn. Yeah. It's like unbelievable. It was too much for me. It was too much for everybody in our group. It's like, holy shit. Our group had notes when we left and it was that specific scene of it's that's too much for a movie that you're seeing in public. I agree.
And that's what she was saying. It's like I thought this was due to me growing up in a cult and I've been trying to do different types of trauma therapy. And you see the light therapy, which is specifically for those types of trauma. Right. and it's not working because that's not what this is from.
Well, it's very sex positive.
But you don't think that that guilt is from not going cheating on her husband. I think the guilt is from putting her family at stake. I couldn't tell.
now being held in his arms i was like i know but we don't see that character arc until the last scene with her and that guy in or i guess the second to last where she holds him you mean no no where she at the end that guy comes to threaten her and she pretty much is like get the fuck out of my office if i want to be humiliated i'll pay for it that's That's when she comes.
We were driving back up from, we went down to San Diego to one, get out of the air quality. We were in horrible toxic air quality in our area. We still are. So yes, but at that time it was in the 300 zone. So it was like super, super bad. We smelled like a campfire. So we went down to San Diego for a night just to get out.
I feel like you have to wait to have those character arcs until those last moments.
I think it was amazing. I think that they relied a little bit too heavily halfway through of those sex scenes. Yeah. I think there are too many. We did the same montage twice. I agree. So that's what are the notes of everybody that I went and saw it with is when we left, they were like. That was unnecessary. It didn't need to be an hour 48. Yeah. It could have been an hour 40.
With the one montage. Yeah. And you cut one of those montages out.
And then doing it twice. Yeah. Yeah. But I liked it. How many gloves would you give it? Oh, I guess we should say it is queer in a very small, small, small scene. I would have cut that scene. Yeah. So she goes to a club and she's like just trying to find her young lover.
And a woman comes up, kisses her briefly and gives her ecstasy water. Okay.
No, I think 20s, like young 20s.
I think he's supposed to be like 24, 25.
I think it's an excellent movie.
I worry about her. There's some scenes where I was like, she really does go full nude. I mean, you see almost everything in this. Yeah, except for no beef. No beef. And that's a huge issue with me. That's a huge issue with me. I was wondering. I was wondering. I was wondering. How many gloves did you say?
I'm so pleased. I loved that.
whole part i will say as a warning do not see this with your mom uh-huh do not see this with your dad yes don't see this movie with anybody that you ever want to look in the eye again who is platonic don't see with a neighbor do not i would honestly even i would say don't see it with a friend don't see with a friend i was so glad i almost asked mike oh my god thank god don't yeah truly there is a scene in this movie where i was like
We also went around, got air purifiers for, I had some people in my life that are either pregnant or they have newborns. So we went all around to try and find air purifiers. We were driving back up from San Diego and we get the evacuation right next to us. So we were flying. We get home. We start packing our entire life up. I'm packed. I'm ready. Everything's in my car.
I was pissed that I was in public. Yeah. I was like, this sucks. It was too much. There were grown men in our theater that couldn't handle it and were, like, were out loud making jokes to, like, help the tension at the room. I'm so glad that our theater was empty.
Yes. It was guttural. I left the theater and I said, if I have to hear Nicole Kidman gutturally coming again. She's coming from the bottom of her diaphragm. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's everything within her. It's everything. She's healing a deep, deep wound.
Do you know what I'm saying? Have you ever seen a bear close up growling where their mouth kind of move and they're like, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I do.
You know what I'm talking about? I'm like, after you make a noise like that with your husband, how do you go to lunch after that? How do you go order a Cobb salad after making that noise?
It's so beautiful.
Leah, just bleep that beginning. I'm trying to make a point. No, I get the point. Trust me, I get it. Yeah, yeah. Isn't it crazy?
I'm like, hey, Erica, what the fuck? I walk in and Rachel, not only is she packing... everything tight so she's like packing very you know organized she's packing her bikinis shut the fuck up i love this though she packed her i'm looking down and i go why the fuck in a emergency situation are you packing your bikinis and like shot like you know beachwear her cover-ups her cover-ups
You can see them like kissing the dog. Yes. Oh, it's the same person.
I know. Listen, humans have range. Just like Nicole Kidman. Just like Nicole's.
I do worry about her range what do you think her next movie will be the exact same thing she's been really into her MILF era MILF era big time which I guess do what you gotta do girl one more queer aspect of the movie her second kid that mullet The mullet's queer. There is a lesbian relationship in the movie. At every turn. Yeah, at every turn. I mean, her child has an affair also. In the pool.
In the pool. That pool felt very affair-y. Yeah, you're seeing... Her exact timeline being mirrored in her child. So she's like almost learning how to navigate her own affair via her child. Weird. It's so crazy. But I love that.
That has been it for Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. Me too.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. And I'm Rachel Scanlon-Ali.
You're good in fire situations.
It's confusing, scary, it's terrifying. It's awful.
Can I be honest? I don't think that that's true. Dude. I think you're not giving yourself enough credit. Ken. You're not. Mackenzie. After seeing my wife, you're actually pretty excellent.
My bikinis! Dude, she screamed at the top of her lungs when she got that evacuation notice. And I go, calm down. Yeah. Read it. Read the evacuation notice. I can't with these notices. No, I know. Dude, my eye. Our eye. Our eye is twitching. I haven't slept.
Is it like one of those fireproof boxes? Okay, but then now I'm like, why do I have to bring it if it's fireproof? It's not. I'll tell you right now. Those fireproof boxes that are like $50 to $200 are not fireproof. Oh. Just heads up. So those people out there that are buying these fireproof boxes, they will not...
But there has been so much going on in my life due to the fires that that was the last thing that I was thinking of. For sure. Did you?
Every day I go, is that ash or is that powdered sugar? So for those of you who live in Los Angeles and you live in an apartment or someplace that does not have central A.C., You really do need to be, and if your windows have not good seals, you need to be gaff taping plastic bags or something over it so you're not getting in that ash. The ash is in. The ash is in. Rachel.
I don't know what to tell you. We got to get air purifiers to your house.
Oh, my God. I'm stressed. I'm stressed for everyone. Wait.
Yeah, LAX is still up and running. It's just scary. The whole thing is bad and scary. And we'll have links in the description of this podcast of places to donate if you want to donate. There's a lot of GoFundMes for people in Altadena and Pasadena because it was a historically black community that has just been devastated.
Because this happened during all of this. You and I had a moment of levity.
It was one of the worst nights. Fires were raging. Winds were blowing. I evacuated and left the neighborhood. You fully left. I was at home. Our whole life was packed up. We could see it. We could see the flames. I'll send Leah the pictures or actually video of it. Yeah. There's video of me and Erica coming back from San Diego and we could see the flames from the freeway.
And I'm I'm acting very chill. I'm not. Actually, that was the one moment where I lost it. I was like, oh, yeah. You and I on the phone that day were like, hey, girl. So we're watching the news, you and I. And they they find. this news anchor found Dennis Quaid evacuating. And he was evacuating in his Mercedes and trying to shove his daughter's laundry into his car.
And this news reporter, who I've seen on NBC for years, he comes up and they're giving a pretty normal interview. And it keeps going. And he keeps talking about Dennis Quaid in the third person, which is... Weird. He goes, what does Dennis Quaid think of this? Is Dennis Quaid doing all right in the fires? Dennis Quaid finally is like, hey, why are you talking to me in the third person?
He's like, this is weird. He keeps trying to leave the interview. Ash is falling on him. He's in an evacuation zone. He's just trying to get his medicine and his daughter's laundry. He finally escapes from this interviewer. Then the interviewer starts going through the laundry of the daughter.
Do you know when men are just like, I think it was that until it hit 25 minutes. Okay. Legitimately. Then he was like, Hey, for real, I got to go. Right. So he's packing up his car. He can't shove all the laundry in there. So they're those big wicker baskets, laundry baskets. He's trying to shove them in there. The cameraman decides to not pull away. So we're watching him struggle with it.
Such a struggle where I was I was cringing. Erica screaming at the TV. Let Dennis Quaid go. We were all I started texting you like free Dennis Quaid. Yeah, it was unbelievably awkward. It's so cringe. Then the guy, the interviewer is like, wow, here's one thing Dennis Quaid can't do. It is. So he's almost like trolling Dennis Quaid who's trying to escape a fire.
Dude, I came back. Then Dennis gets in. He gets in his car. He's about to leave. The interviewer knocks on the window. He goes, roll it down. Then he's like, can you see out of your window? Because you have to see out of your window to drive away.
And I was like, is this your daughter? And then he asked, then the interviewer goes, here's the star of the show. Why don't we interview the dog?
When I met my wife's mom, I remember, and I wasn't connecting to, I'm like, what is this? What is this? Hand obsession. I'm watching her mom cooking, and I'm like, damn, I want to hold those hands. Yeah.
i love that yeah for sure but you're looking at very similar traits you're looking at like absolutely a lot of times you're looking at a shared gene pool of the person that you are so in love with that you're like all you want to do is spend time with them and you're looking up and i'm like you get this i'm looking at the same being yeah it's very hot that is hot yeah like dad dad is like sitting there kind of quietly and just like small movements of his face and you're like
Hot, so you know how to speak the language.
You're like, cite your sources.
Unfolding bifocals for the prop.
Yeah. I feel like you'll understand. Do you ever feel like... I personally feel like one of my biggest complaints about myself is that I exclusively will hit on people's moms.
That's what I'm saying.
No, I feel like when you met your wife's family, do you think that they liked you right away? Or do you feel like you had to earn it? Because every family shows love differently. My family very quickly will love people and be like, you're great, you're family. If Rachel likes you, we like you.
I still had to, though. I had to earn Nazar's parents in a huge way.
Yeah, it's the now Timothée's have kind of reinvented it. But you know what? Timothée seems too clean. He looks like he's pretending to be dirty, but we know for sure he has a bidet. Did you see him though with a blonde wig?
For sure. Great point.
Yeah.
So I had a harder time to put. Yeah. I think sometimes, too, if the families are more inherently homophobic, and so many of them are, then you do have to almost... Yeah, I feel like I had to almost, like... I think my wife's family had to put me into a polite young man category in order to feel like they could get there. And for me... But it's working. It's absolutely working.
I mean, because for me, any type of... I don't feel gender unaffirmed by many things, so I'm kind of down for it. But for her... Her family very much is like, if I'm in public, she'll sometimes he-him me to other people in the community. And I think it has just been, like, such an easier, it has, like, sky, it's sped up everything to be like, all right, however it works for you.
I'll be your pretty little boy.
I think that is also, like, a very great point of, like... I think sometimes you don't realize with older, the older generation you go, right? A lot of people are like, have you come out to your grandma? Have you come out to your grandpa? It's like, I'm never going to sit down and need, I also, I don't need to, I don't need the nuance of like, I'm not the man. Right.
So less important than like, let's keep this positive train moving. And even just for self-preservation purposes. Big time.
and not even for the sake of them, but for the sake of your own, you'll never forget the first reaction you get. So let them soak on it so that you don't have to. You don't have to soak on it.
Yes, 100%.
Frick.
They're smashed.
Well, also sometimes too, queer people will be, I know a lot of gay people that have much more accepting communities around them that when they came out and then the answer was, well, we all knew. And then they hate that too. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well, I don't fucking like that one either. I see. It's hard to... I don't fucking like that one either.
I feel like a twinkle boy.
Yeah.
Well, also the way that straight people too are like, so the only way that gayness occurs is you couldn't get a single man in your town. Last. And then you find. Last choice. Then I guess you'll be with a woman. But this also kind of similarly goes into, and we talk about this kind of a lot on the podcast, how like, I feel like there's only one way to be hot in the straight world. Yes.
And we know what it is. And like, if you don't conform to that, like. It sucks. Whereas, like, hotness in the queer world, there are so many ways to be hot. And I have, like, I don't think a lot of people in my family or where I'm from have any idea that, like, my haircut is very attractive to some people. Like, some people within the queer community.
I want the record to show this is my favorite conversation we've ever had on this podcast.
I think you're very objectively hot. Thank you. I feel that as well. I think there is a very damaged straight woman who themselves had to, okay, me, they, them, straight community, had to take their... they had to, it was like enforced on them. So then when people don't do it, it makes this thing in them go like, you're ugly, actually. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm trying to get to?
I'm so glad that you asked. Yeah, you're going on the road, right? Yeah, I'm going on the road. I've already sold out Minneapolis and Boston. Woo, woo. And I also am going to be hitting up Portland, Maine, January 17th through 18th, which I believe is like next week. Oh my God, it is. And that's a smaller venue, so the tickets are going quick. Oh my God, it is. And then I'll be in Brooklyn.
Where they can't, they've been pushed so far down within the confines of what's hot for straight people. I think that it's not what they think, it's what they think other people might think. For sure, for sure.
uh-oh yeah oh something is yeah yes happening betwixt my legs for sure but i have to outwardly be like i don't like this yes but i think it's one of my most favorite things about the queer community is how there are so many facets of things that are attractive yeah that are you just there's not the counterpart in the straight world and it makes me sad everyone's hot Everyone who's gay is hot.
Fuck.
I will be taking my wife and her sister ice fishing.
Hey, don't do that. You guys are not going to love that.
Yeah. Did you ever do that in the Midwest? Uh-uh. Oh, my God. Wait, where are you from one more time? Ohio. Yeah. O-H-I-O. We love it. For sure. Did you hit your hometown on tour? No. Oh.
Give me Milwaukee, Cincinnati. Denver. Yep. Yeah. You know the ones. St. Louis. Those are some of the coolest. Salt Lake City. Fucking rocks. Goes on hard. Holy shit. No, B-City's the best. You ever been to the Great Salt Lake, though? The Great Salt Lake.
I mean, we're too busy.
Stinky. Did you enjoy when you were on the road because your music rocks and people get to enjoy it?
Shout out, Lauren. February 1st, then February 2nd, Philadelphia. I think I'm going to bring the wife.
That fucking rocks. That was really good. Wait, I wanted to ask, at your shows, are people moshing like they used to?
That was crazy. It was packed. That was fun. That was crazy.
They were. They were getting into it. They were getting into it. And I'm wondering if it's on every city. A very horny vibe.
People wanting to touch. Yeah, but that's because ER is there. Yeah, for sure. Come on. For sure.
Yeah, I'm trying to see that mouse.
That's the dream.
The dream is you were waiting in a march line. You guys locked eyes and then railed instead of buying a T-shirt in the bathroom. Well, still buy the T-shirt.
That's the whole dream.
And if you guys have an Ask a Dyke or a Bumble Fumble and you want to send it in, you can print it, laminate it, shove it up your ass, and then we'll get it. Great.
You're going to take a lover. Take a lover in Philly. It's Nazara.
Great question.
She takes me.
Yeah, she does. I'm honestly scared for me. Yeah. I don't know why straight people are always like, don't marry the best sex of your life. Have you heard that from straight people? That's a crazy take. Okay, but have you heard that?
Yeah.
Yes.
Or even I'm hearing a little bit of like it sounds like this caller is very comfortable with. really wanting to please, which is an incredible place to start.
The take is, because I watch a lot of straight reality TV.
We just had a guest say that. And that is the truth. And that is the truth.
Yes.
Yes. I also feel like for me personally, I had a long stretch when I... like a middle stretch, I started having sex closeted, I came out, I really only saw, I had no queer friends, I had nothing to see, and then I figured like, if I'm kind of this plaything for straight people to try on, I guess my personal,
Okay, they'll be like, you don't marry the best sex of your life.
like, enjoyment of sex is, like, the doing of the sex and a lot less of the... I, for the longest time, was like, I'm a service top by... And that's all really the only facet that I was, like, flexing.
And it wasn't until, like, later on in my queerness having gay friends, having people that weren't just trying to sleep with me, like, having more relationships with people who are out or at least have, like, kind of already figured their shit out that then I realized that, like, there is, like, a lot more...
Enjoyment through... Like, I think true... My favorite topness about myself is my vulnerability with the partners that I've had and that I have landed with now, where I'm able to... I think what is, like, the most toppy thing is, like, being able to enjoy it to its peak in every aspect of it. You know what I'm saying?
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, God.
Yes, there. Yeah. There it is.
Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah, I think the advice for this person is, is to think less about how to portray to somebody else that you're a top and more about maybe even just like getting more comfortable in like, the way that you feel with somebody else?
Yeah. But great question.
9-1-1. Help me talk. Hello, operator. They will arrest you. I have a thirsty bottom. Can you help me?
Yeah. And I think co-workers are the best people to sleep with.
Yes.
Plus, also, there's nothing hotter than being like, ugh, Trish in accounting. What a bitch. Yeah, yeah. Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Yeah.
I love dating coworkers. It's just weird that this one never happened.
Just friends the whole time. Oh, us?
Well, I assumed that she was the whole time. I think there's several years where I thought she was trying to have sex with me.
And turns out, wanted to launch a business. There's nothing gayer than starting an LLC with your best friend.
Let's peak gay. Sorry.
Wait. I feel like then people did turn on DJ Khaled. I don't know. He's still out here like- Not eating pussy? No. Yes.
Well, I mean, the morning after they fucked. Did they fuck?
I thought that they had. I mean, did you? Did I just infer that?
And then they woke up. So what do you think? They're just praying that whole time?
I'm like, this is a hell yeah for me.
You know who does go down on women? Who? Benny Blanco gives munch. You think so? For sure.
Yeah, yeah.
I was like, I love a gift. I feel like there's two things happening at once. Yes, I feel like queer timelines sometimes come off a little intense and fast and furious. However, I think it's very cool to connect with somebody, be like... We're going to fuck. And then here's your treat for fucking me so good. Right. I would respond very well to that. A chocolate dipped pineapple.
Yeah, I'm here for it. Thank you. A melon. Actually, I would do anyone. There's nothing better than an edible arrangement. That to me is peak.
Oh, maybe.
Do you want to know why? Why? Because he knows that it's like, I feel like he's proficient. Same thing. I look at Charlie Pluth and I go-
Maybe like very contemporary.
Imagine you show up to a church and that mom pastor is a full-on dyke. Do you know what I'm saying? Don't, don't, don't.
Join the congregation.
So you guys are passing out communion?
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon.
Yeah, that rocks.
Yeah. And your mom.
Stop.
One thousand percent.
No, I do feel like it is really, really fun how much we enjoy having you on this podcast.
I feel so happy when you're here. Very few people are on the three club. No, it's you and...
Maybe nobody else. So thank you for giving us your time. We have the best time when you're here.
For sure. Yeah, we'll put you in the books. Thank you. We'll be right back on. Where should they find you and your music?
Yeah. Which was very good. Thank you. I'm Rachel Scanlan Ali.
Go do something gay today. Bye bye. Bye bye.
charlie the poof yeah he is pussy hard you think so i think he does i think he does there's something about these like these really good musicians these sensitive boys who like have this softness to them can i be honest You think you're going to beg Salima Gomez by not going down on her until the cows come home?
I just get the sense that he really worships women. And I think that a way to show them is by munch-tastic.
ladies and gentlemen welcome to another episode of two dykes and a mic i'm mackenzie goodwin and i'm rachel scanlina lee we have so much in this episode i want to start off by saying i love your shirt it's very raising phoenix raising arizona raising arizona yeah nick cage in one of his best works yeah i would say that for sure i love and i believe wait who's the woman i've never seen the movie
I love... You actually recently said a term of a lesbianism term to a fellow queer person and they were like, what does that mean? And you went, you had to go, it means going down on a woman. And I was scream laughing. I was like, yeah, tell them, Kenz. Carpet munch, right? I think you said carpet munch to another gay person. And they were like... They're like, I'm not familiar with that phrase.
What do you think? It's like... I'm screaming. I do feel like we do need more Munch merch. Okay, wait, sorry. And that's Charlie Pluth. Back to your dates. Then I'll be in Atlanta February 6th, Nashville February 7th through 8th, Sacramento February 19th, San Francisco February 20th. It's almost sold out. So make sure you get those. Salt Lake City.
March 6th, Boise, March 7th, Toronto, March 14th through 15th, Buffalo, March 16th, Vancouver, March 22nd, and then Edmonton, March 23rd. Also, I think Vancouver is also sold out. So those other cities, make sure you show them some love. The show is going to rock. I think Charlie Pluth will open. And he's a drag king dressed like Charlie Puth. Wait, I love that. Okay, yeah. I love that.
I need that. I would love to have more drag kings open.
I saw that they're doing auditions right now. Yeah. I'd love that. Why don't you go audition? I think because I haven't practiced at all. But there is definitely a version of me, instead of doing stand-up, just doing Freddie Mercury kind of cover tribute bands.
Do you think they'd let me at least sing for real instead of lip sync?
Actor. Yeah. Musician. Musician big time. Podcaster. Right. Also super funny. Yeah. All around treat. Just a charming person. Please put your ears together for ER Fightmaster. Wow. I really thought these two zits weren't noticeable. Just turn your head. Because I asked my wife and she said they were not noticeable, but she lied. You can't trust your wife.
For sure. This is like a huge issue here.
I've just seen the cover of it at Blockbuster. Oh my god, you gotta see it.
When I heard the pipe, I'm like, we hate the pipe. Hell no, we don't want that. The second, though, that you said it's metal, I was kind of like, well, maybe I'll snowmobile next to it for miles and miles.
No. Yeah, it rocks. It rocks. Oh my god, exciting. Yeah, you gotta see that. I could definitely see myself stealing a baby. Yeah, it's giving you and Nazara energy in a good, good, fun way. For sure. I feel like me running around with a mustache stealing babies, Nazara like... Meal prepping for the baby and I. Yeah.
Hot. Yeah. Imagine, of all the places, you're like, let's go 30 below.
Stop. She's related to Sara Bareilles, I think. Sara Bareilles.
what? What is it doing?
I think people assume, oh, you're going on a romantic trip. You need beach. You need sand. Okay, but here are two of the grossest things that I can imagine. The beach and sand.
Snow's clean. And you're cold. Cozy up. Come on over. Get within me. Or an igloo. Hold me.
Yeah. The whole look. Poof. I can look super flat chested in like an overall straight into a snow pant. No, you're gender affirming. Yes. Very mask. No hips in that. All just straight all the way down.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, my God. When I was in elementary and middle school, I used to exclusively wear like snow clothing throughout the entire season. I'm talking like. I wanted to wear beanies constantly. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes. When you have to, your mom's like, you have to have long hair and you're like, fine, but I'll put in a beanie. Snow wear is the most gender affirming wear that there is.
I think that's true. Yeah. And that's why it's really hard to be a dyke in LA. Yeah. It's too hot.
It's too hot.
It's too hot.
I don't want to wear shorts in front of my friends. I've never seen you in shorts or a tank.
And we basically live together.
Dude, I love how Puritan you are. Hey, leave me alone.
Yes, we have to.
Just from the wardrobe.
I definitely look at movies from that generation, which I do believe is that 90s? It is the 90s. I look at 90s and I'm like, it's fun to see men a little dirty, a little gross. And then now as a dyke being like, I'll take some of that. They loved, it was the era of Billy Bob Thornton.
Yeah. And I am like... And your stepmom is hot as well. What about my dad? Also hot. Thank you.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think there is a lot of people who are like, oh no. You must feel platonic. Yeah. I don't think so. I don't feel platonic about anything. I'm so glad you're here. That feels so right. You guys have the exact same energy.
We're going to be in the UK. We have London, Brighton and Cardiff. And then we have a spring tour coming, which is all very exciting. We know we have not released the dates yet.
Yeah. It looks good.
And we're talking about Crushing It.
Just for everyone listening, this is a new Netflix special, and it's unreal. Yes. Oh, thank you.
Unless we're edging them. Unless you see it on our Instagram. Then we have. We do already have Boston, Portland, Seattle. Yes. Booked. And those will sell out. Those will sell out. And we're in theaters.
It meranged it. I'm thinking of a pie.
And I am hungry.
We're in theaters. And we have a bunch of other cities coming up. So stay tuned.
I am giving valet deeply.
But when you knew, it's magical.
I want to bring up crushing because crushing it because you started it talking about how you got married in 2020. Yep. And we all have that in common in the sense of we both just got married within the last two years. Congratulations.
Well, the henna was beautiful.
There is something mask about that.
about having tattoos on the hands.
Does your wife have any tattoos?
So you're bold. Yeah, we're virgins.
How many tattoos do you have?
I think it was of some kind of demon. It's like something arising.
And you have tattoos? No, I just have the one. I literally have one and I was like, that's it. I'm too scared.
A little nothing.
My lips.
Like eight years now. And how did you meet? We met at an open mic.
I do find that to be the same as sex with straight, straight sex. I think that there's a lot of lore. There's a lot of like, you're going to want to do this. Do you know what I'm thinking of?
Not married. Aw. But wish we were.
Life partners in a different way. For sure. How has married life been?
If you could rank the holidays, where would New Year's Eve land for you?
Yeah. It's nice to travel with Ray because we have also, I'm sure you do meet and greets after the shows. We have such insane things that happen to us backstage and after the show. I'm wondering, do you have any crazy stories about people coming up and meeting you and like saying something out of pocket or crying?
Did they have to pay for meet and greet?
And people, they attach to it. We've had a lot of women show us their breasts.
Yeah.
Because you're not New Year's Evening with your parents.
Did you do close-up magic?
You end, and then you're like, all right.
I love it.
I mean, like, that's unreal to go from a cafeteria 12-person show to three Netflix specials in doing... It's just a lot of work.
Yeah. Especially if you're gay and you're a woman.
Absolutely. Do what you gotta do.
And go watch Crushing It. Please.
It's a lot of kiss-based, but it's also a lot of annoying noises. And I don't like a loud noise. And I do. I'm going to want a holiday that's quiet. Okay? I love Easter. The quietest of all the holidays. Oh, isn't it so quiet? It's so quiet. It's giving brunch. It's giving church. And pastels. It's giving... He is risen.
Yeah, it just varies through person to person. But I feel like that's also where a lot of your comedy comes from, is this journey that you took. Maybe it wouldn't have been as funny if you came out at 18. I had to develop a personality. Gross. Gross.
Was there like a moment when you watched something on television or in media that you were like, oh, this is I am gay?
And I don't think we're talking about that enough. No. America. So what are you doing on New Year's Eve? And do you have any goals for 2025?
It's not about the sexuality. It's not about like them having sex. It's them being gay and having a friendship, which is so beautiful and sweet.
That was so funny. And it kept going on and on. Oh, my God.
Of course.
She is not, there's no gray area. I love that. Same with your wife. Me and my wife are both, there's no gray.
But she does, she is terrifying.
Because everyone is going to do that out here. Everyone's going to say, oh, God, you were so good.
Oh, you got to get that smooch. Right. You got to lock down your smooch back in October. Yes. Yeah.
That's why we, I think, are a good team.
Married couple. Which we are. I'm deep into boundaries. And I feel like I'm trying to teach Rachel boundaries.
Wait till next year. Wait till next year.
Okay, Fortune, this is our New Year's Eve episode. So this comes out on New Year's Eve. Love it. And we wanted to do a 2024 wrap-up with you of five of the gayest things that happened this year in 2024.
We picked some that are in culture.
And then we have an honorable mentions. If you have some that you'd like to share personally, like super gay shit that happened this year. All right. Please. Absolutely. We'll take whatever you have. First one up. One of the gayest things that happened was the movie Challengers.
Yeah. So maybe that's why you like it so much. Yeah. I mean, you, it's too loud. I just think the branding, I think the branding is very hetero and I don't. I love champagne glasses. I mean, but it all surrounds a ball dropping. Somebody call Sabrina. Now, if we changed it to a breast dropping. Which it feels like it. Then maybe I'd be more interested.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It should have opened on that three-way.
And they should have gone a little further. Yeah, we didn't get enough.
Movies. I always want more full frontal and graphic sex scenes. Wow. Okay. And that was kind of what we talked about recently is I thought there should have been a graphic sex scene in Wicked. Yes. Well, that would change things.
But to be honest, also want that. I know. Yeah. So I'm begging for more graphic nudity NR.
But a girl can dream.
Where are you finding it? Shoot me the link.
Yes, I did see that because my wife made me. There you go.
It felt like we were turning a corner. Now we need it. Actually, we really need it.
Wicked part two better have full green puss. If I don't see green posts, I'm rioting. Ken!
I don't love how phallic and just it's giving. It's also a little Ryan Seacrest. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, it's a lot of Anderson Cooper. But that feels nice.
Oh, yeah.
And I might lose my thong tonight. Okay.
Yeah, the dance was good. It was unbelievably gay. I mean, I think there was a song that Billie Eilish hopped on, and it was the week that Billie Eilish came out.
Yeah, it was a big, they were on a pile of ponties. Yeah, and they sing about gay stuff.
I don't know.
I'm gay. Yeah. It was great.
Gayer than Anderson Cooper? Yeah. That man is a gay man passing it straight. Wow. Sorry, Anderson. Whoa.
There's a picture where she had short hair and she does look like... Oh, a lesbian vibe? Big time. Okay.
Very hot.
So this went viral. Everyone was like, okay, we see what's going on.
It does look like what you have now.
I'm sure. Yeah. So, hello. That was a huge, huge gay moment. We also have, I don't know if you saw, the Paris Olympics opening ceremony. Love.
Did you watch the opening ceremony when there was kind of Cirque du Soleil for about seven hours? It was a seven hour long opening ceremony.
And they were holding a head of Marie Antoinette at one point, which worked.
I mean, women's basketball.
And not even they also had a new one where it was half court and you just had to shoot. So there was almost no it was like a contact. Yeah, it was like I think three on three and it was a half court. Oh, which rocked. Yes. Less running, more touching. A lot more touching.
And then we also had Celine Dion on the Eiffel Tower, which to me is unbelievably queer. If only we had more full frontal.
So was Mackenzie. Huge Celine head. Did you watch the movie? Of course. Did you guys cry super hard about it?
Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin.
I've seen her perform so many times.
There's rumors she's on her way back. Yeah. I'm going to be there for her. Good.
That was deeply queer. That was huge. Two powerhouses like that just touching. Yeah, feels good to see. I feel like two women also.
I could have used like one kiss on the cheek.
Yeah.
Nearly crying.
It's deep. Okay. The number one gayest thing of 2024. We have the Wicked Press Tour.
I've known her for years. Yeah.
So she's in on it now, too. They all booze up from it. I love it. I feel like that's us in interviews a lot, or whenever we do something together and something will happen and we have no idea what the fuck's happening, so we'll go... Yeah. Yes. You grab each other to be like, do you know what the fuck is happening right now?
Bald. Bald. Bald. I have a question for you, and this is a serious question. What? Who would be your ideal duo? And you can pick anyone across time and space. Ideal duo to be the one ringing in the new year instead of like... Instead of Ryan and Kathy Griffin.
Was it the lyrics of Defying Gravity? No. holding space for the lyrics.
Do you ever feel that way in interviews where you're like, what the fuck is happening? And you're fighting for your life.
I'm obsessed. I cannot wait for next year Thanksgiving time when this happens again.
I want them to get smaller and smaller. I want them to both show up with miniature hats.
It was so good. We were living for it. It looks like you're on the press tour right now.
Fortune, do you have any honorable mentions of gay things that happened to you this year?
Yeah, to send a large sausage to somebody and say... Will you lady in the tramp as a verb this with me?
I'm very hungry.
If they could do that at Dodger Stadium. The Dodger dog is now a Lady and the Tramp style.
I would also just say that both of them will be drunk. And I want, like, they'll be blackout drunk.
So pick two people that you're like, I want them to, I want to see them both blackout drunk on live television ringing in the new year.
Same.
I have a similar of I just want to make sure me and my wife are taking time and being very intentional about going on a vacation or having a night away just so we feel like that, you know, love is still there, even though we get busy a lot. We tour a lot. So I want to be like, I'm making time to be all about you. Yeah. You know, yeah, very similar, actually. That's hot. What about you, Rae?
I do believe Cara is sober. Oh, for sure.
I do like those two together.
We are. This is a big, this is the day before 2025. Oh my God. Huge. This is our New Year's Eve episode. And boy, do we have a treat for you. We have an amazing guest today.
I don't even think she needs to be drunk.
I'd love national secrets being spilled. Yeah. So if we can get, like, Condoleezza Rice. Wait, Condoleezza Rice chaperone.
We fixed it.
It's not much.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want somebody spilling national secrets and somebody spilling Hollywood secrets.
Yes. I'm here for it. You know what I mean? I hope we see this in the next two to three years.
I think it's going to be for better. I think, I hope it's going to be for better. And that's my 2025 goal. Good. That's what I want. Is to, I want all queer people, and I said it like a couple weeks ago, but I do think walk up to a man and spit on him.
I think have that energy coming into 2025 of being, you know, if you're going to do this to me, I'm going to do so much worse to you.
My dream is that queer people start doing that old trick where you put dog shit or human shit in a bag and light it on fire. Don't say or human shit.
Yeah. Just to every Republican senator. Yeah. Anybody who's really out there doing harmful things to the queer community. Yeah. Leave a bag of flaming shit on their front door.
Go so much lower.
Yeah. We had to leave once from a podcast to go get you fitted in your wedding suit.
Cry laughing. When people ask you what dress you'd be, I mean, you in a white wedding dress is insane to me. But there are some lesbians who take that swing.
Well, that thing went away.
That suit looked so good on you though.
You were more intentional about it this time.
Holy shit. So I was like. Did you buy a boat that you got to pay off? What are you doing? What's happening?
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes. Yeah.
tap dancing no first off i'm not gonna tell anybody i'm not gonna go yeah i'm gonna pretend you do not do this right now if my wife right is a competitive yo-yo artist yeah you're like i'm putting it on youtube look how good she is with her fingies yeah i'm promoting you yeah no queer love is peak queer love is so special and magical
Okay, so JoJo is now single. I'm almost like, let's get her on the pod and let's talk about single life. I'd love to get her back on. Because we had JoJo in love on the pod.
Because when we met her, she was so unbelievably positive. She rocked.
Yeah, vibes were good. So I'm like, I don't know. And they said it was amicable. So I don't know what happened. Obviously, they haven't revealed that yet. But I'm wondering if Jojo is a woman scorned now. And are we going to get a Taylor Swift-esque album now?
To be honest, I'm in. That's fun. I'm fully in. Yeah. I'm fully on board. We're going to get JoJo back on.
I want JoJo to be featured on a Bon Iver song.
We need JoJo featuring The National.
Well, not only that, but like Lindsay Lohan, they were going up and down Sunset Boulevard calling her a fire crotch. Yeah, they were. And that was a big news story. Hey, I was in middle school going, they're really going for her fire crotch. Yeah. Paris Hilton was laughing at her fire crotch. Yeah. And I will say, listen, I think Paris has come around.
Here's the thing. They have the same energy, and I will say, and you guys can cancel me also. Fine. Same talent level. That's actually insane. It's not.
I don't co-sign this. Same talent level in different capacities. Can Adele dance like how JoJo Siwik can dance? For her age.
In other gay news, have you been seeing on TikTok, everyone's like, Billie posted strap on Mane? I've seen this all the time. Billie Eilish. Yeah. What other Billie?
I'm not trying to get to her. Yeah. You know when your algorithm fucks up and you're like, wait, wait, wait. We're misunderstanding each other. Yes, of course.
I don't want you to think that this is what I'm looking for. Yes. I unfortunately fell into Billy Thirst TikTok.
I changed my mind. I saw that and I was like, we need to really go. We have to dive into what's happening in AI for the better.
i was like if i was writing the bible yeah this would definitely be in there you're taking two massive queer icons well yeah queer icons yeah we can say that um and making them via ai fall in love and as two women have a child together and then birth that child with billy's green hair so It was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.
But there was a time where Paris Hilton really was not for the girls. She was for the boys. I know. And I think that I'll never forget that. I'll never forget that either. She was laughing at someone's pube colors on Sunset Boulevard. She sure was. And that's not OK. No.
And I watched it maybe two to three times because I was like, this is getting better by the second. Yeah, it like actually healed something in me. I don't know what was broken, but it's fixed. Here's the thing. I'm all for that type of AI and the AI where it's like Brad Pitt to Will Smith. They're dancing, but they're also moving into each other. Yes, I love that. Those ones are also real fun.
It brought a tear to my eye because I was laughing so hard. Oh, what? Yes! Dude, I was inspired!
Dude, you know, why are we seeing the exact same thing and having wildly different emotions? Dude, I saw that and I was like, maybe I should be a parent. I felt I need the sharks and Diane's and the viewers to watch this thing. We'll send it to Leah. We have to put this up. And Ray got, maybe I should be a parent. And I got, this is the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life.
So that's the shit I need my algorithm to send me. And less of, like, actual Billie at the concerts. You know what I'll get? Just her looking. And people will be like... You just want thirst talk for Billie? Yeah, it's so weird. And people are like... Yeah.
Is that behind closed doors? A long way.
Yeah. When I hear those stories, I go... We got to send this to Ray. Yep. We got to really double down on making sure you're not falling in love actively with a robot.
So anyways, I couldn't find what happened with Billy's strap. Everyone was like, Billy posted strap on main, yada, yada, yada.
I... searched the internet being like hey this seems like gay news for sure we gotta find out what kind of strap where's the strap where's the strap where's the strap show me strap if you're gonna tell me it's whatever right I think this is a rumor.
Okay. I'm talking the Republicans.
QAnon. I think that they're trying to start something. What are the libs?
What are the libs going to focus on right now?
Or I do feel like it could be black.
Like a deep black, midnight black.
Exactly. God, I have to watch that soon. What a good movie. Okay. In other gay news, and you kind of brought this one up to me. I think you know a little bit more about this than I do.
So I saw- Because you're kind of our gayler truther of the pod now.
You know, you just got married, right?
I remember seeing that for Halloween, they all went to a Princess Di party, Princess Diana party. And Zoe showed up as not Diana. And if you remember, she had a song back in the day called Not Diana that everyone was like, you're singing about Diana Agron. So they were like, this is all tying back somehow to Gaylor.
Do you think they're a couple? No. Really? It's too hot.
It's too like, I think that everything right now in our world is going exactly how I don't want it to go. So it does feel like if I, if I think that that would be a good thing for our world, the answer is going to be no. Right. So no, I think Taylor Swift is probably straight. And I think these two women are just fucking with us.
Do you think that they're together? Yeah.
To me, I'm just like the way things are going. The way things are going. I think no woman will ever come out again. And I think we're only going to get everybody who you don't want to come out is going to come out.
Yeah. It's going to be senators and like Elon Musk. Oh, I think it's going to be bad.
That has been it for good, good, good, good gay news news. Okay. Before we get into some other things, I did want to say that I, okay. And I don't want you to be weird about this. I don't want you to be weird and don't make it weird. Sometimes I go on your website to just check some stuff out. Just to look. Mackenzie.
And I noticed that you had a couple dates on your website that you have not told the fans about.
London's going to be amazing. You and I are going to be dropping U.S. dates for the spring. And we have something very fun. We do. Should I tease it a little? Can we?
yeah okay we're gonna for sure yeah yeah okay so we have there's gonna be a section at every one of our shows in the u.s at least where we have what we're calling the mingle pit so if you are in a community and you're coming alone to the show or you're coming with people but you want to meet other queer people in your community and that's like if you're single or you want more friends this is going to be a section where you guys are all identified by like a bracelet the mingle pit
I know. We have to talk about something very near and dear to our hearts. Also, let me welcome everybody to our podcast. whoa ladies and gentlethems welcome to another episode of two dykes and a mic i'm mackenzie goodwin and i'm rachel scanlina lee i could cry this is the first one yeah dude Wait, do we have to change the poster? No, I'll still be like... Do you want us to write it on the poster?
Yeah, I'm so excited. So wait for those dates. We're going to be dropping them soon. We're doing a photo shoot.
I feel like I could- Would you get- Do- Like a tattoo? No, like diet- People fucking love the last airbender. What is that? It's good. Is it? I think it is. I've never seen it, but I don't know where. I always see- It around.
Got it. I thought you meant hippie.
Sometimes it'll surprise you. I get up from seats all the time and I look back and I say, how could... What? How?
My... Yeah. Dude, have you seen- The size of my ass print makes no sense to me physically. I'm like- Yeah. Have you ever seen the movie Shallow Hell? Yes, of course. I'm like, what?
I grinded on your dad, your mom, your sister. My pickleball friends. Your pickleball friends. Here's the thing. For a minute, it was a bit where I would try and make eye contact with you while I was grinding on somebody you loved. And I was trying to be like, LOL, you were never looking. So it was just me grinding on these people.
You need to. A wedding? I told you this in private, but I'll just say it here. I nearly ripped off my front toe. I was dancing so hard and it's still like, it's fucked up. If you see my toe, it pulled back all the nail polish.
I was dancing so hard that it ripped off my nail polish.
Cute. Wait, kind of cute. That's really cute.
Dude. Hey. Have you ever had that? No. They specifically, well, first off, when you're, your chest is covered. Yeah. So you're still under the blanket. Yeah. No, they don't go very low. I have had almost every single time them spread me my butt. My butt. Where I'm like, you're within me now. Yeah. You are within me. I've had them go way too close to holes. Dude. Way too.
I'm saying you're flying too close to the sun.
I'm not kidding where I'm like, you're pressing against my neck where I'm like, my neck could snap at any moment now.
They're there to get... I'm a skeleton with skin over it. I mean, there's barely any muscle here. So to me, you don't have to do much. And I'm like, actually... Call the cops. I need to be airlifted out of this hole-in-the-wall Thai place. Yep. Yeah.
That's aftercare. Dude, yeah. It was really wild. I love that deeply. Do you have any other updates?
And you're going to want to get it notarized first and foremost because we've had a couple that came in recently that are not notarized. We will send it back. We'll send it back. Return to sender. So you're going to want to go get it notarized. And then shove it right up your ass.
Wait, wait, so you've been on one date that you were like, eh, I could go either way. You guys get a second date and they're like, hey, before we go on the second date, do you mind if I store a pheasant? Which a pheasant is like a fowl, like a bird, right? A pretty big bird. In your freezer.
This looks still very dark. It's unbelievably dark in the in the palms. Are you washing your hands enough?
I never thought this was a joke. You don't ask somebody something that fucking nuts.
Has anybody asked you an insane thing like that for a first date, second date, shit, third or fourth?
If you have that type of a little bit of crazy, hide it until date five.
Everything you did was correct.
You saw a red flag and you ran and I applaud you for this. And you flew. That's good. You flew the hell out of there. Yeah, you can't. This is an insane bumble. Thank you for sending this in. Have you ever had anyone ask you something insane? Distort. No, not ask, but I've had people tell me insane shit. Yeah. I remember one person I was dating told me that they saw dead people.
And I remember being like, I am going to.
end the date i'm out of here yeah it was a little bit more ominous than like i see dead people which already is an ominous thing um what's the word i'm trying to i think ominous ominous but who am i to say people yell at me all the time i get every antidote melatonin hey hey we're out here we're living yeah have you ever had somebody do like any animal stuff
sorry girl and you're like god damn it this rocks it also if you guys ever have a bumble fumble feel free to call in we have a dyke hotline yeah and we're gonna be doing some of those on the next episode yeah wow i missed you i'm so glad we're here i'm gonna miss you on my honeymoon i know i'll be there i would love to fly you in fly me in you set up a tripod get some content
We can't be sarcastic anymore. Because people are going to think. Yeah. We just did it again. I just saw somebody else. What was it? Something so painfully a joke. And they were like, hey, I just want to let you guys know. No.
I want to scream and shout. We have to go. You started singing it with me.
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlon. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes. Yeah.
Yeah, they're doing amazing work over there and they're recruiting a bunch of different research participants. And this is across. Many different paid studies. OK, so you they're offering queer affirming therapy to you at no cost.
Which is amazing. Hello. So if you are interested in learning more, you can find them on Instagram and we're going to have their handle, which is Yale LGBTQ MHI or check out their website. We're going to have it in the description of this podcast.
We will link it. Yes, they're doing great work. Please go check them out. Yale LGBTQ Mental Health Initiative.
That's us. It's range. It is range of us being like, hey, by the way, we care so deeply about you. This is our first episode in studio since... Stuff has happened since, you know, mental health has been on our mind. Yeah. And I think it is fun that we can go from, hey, we all, we care so deeply about our listeners and the people that watch this show and your mental health.
We want our community to be tighter than ever right now. And yes, Rachel just did something in the bathroom that made me laugh out loud.
Well, I do want to say, and so we go to this bathroom every time we come to Spotify. You and I have a potty break together. We go in, and I'll just say right away, I take first stall. Okay, stall number one is my stall. And I take stall four. You take the last stall, the big stall, the one that is technically... For people with disabilities. Yeah. No, that's not.
So I'm just taking a pee. I'm minding my own business. Ray finishes before me. You flush the toilet. As always, by the way. As always. Yeah, you're a fast peerer. Your toilet did something. And I think I referred to it as military grade. It. It. It. It tsunamied. It took the length of an entire Les Mis song to finish. It kept going. I said, Rachel, this is a censor. It had a reprise.
It really did have a reprise. It kept going. The flush, you know, you hear a flush. All right, it takes about five seconds, right? Then the flush is over. It kept going on and on. And I said, Ray, what did you do in there for this toilet to be like, I'm not done. I'm not done yet.
Yeah. It was unbelievably long where I was like, hey, I'm out of the bathroom. We're at the sink now. We're conversing. Why should we?
Strong flush. That's that me espresso. That's that me espresso. Let's get into some g-g-g-g-gay news news. You better believe that, not just one, but I have two news stories this week. Okay. About Jojo Siwa.
Madame Sawad, who we've had on the pod. Yeah. A lot of the gay news, I don't know if you've been seeing it, but it's all over TikTok. She released a new song. And in the song, she does sing about a lover grinding upon her bean. Yeah.
Here's the thing. Every time I open my phone, it's something worse and more heinous. For sure. And I would rather it be about JoJo's Bean than what's happening elsewhere. It is a nice distraction from the rest of the... I'm going to be honest. Thank God we have JoJo at this time. Yeah. Because we're getting Bean news instead of who's being appointed.
You know what I mean? That's what I want in my life. Always safe chaos.
During this time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure.
also jelly bean does lighten it something about like but does she say jelly bean i'm pretty sure she doesn't she's talking about like a coffee bean yeah which to me grinding a coffee bean just so you know yeah it's taking a like a solid and and really turning it into thousands of smaller versions of that solid yeah which if you're talking about your clert yes okay yeah
I need it to be anything. I need her instead of like, please grind my bean. Let's shuck the oyster. Let's shuck the oyster.
I think it's not that we're letting. She is. I think if you polled the queer community and JoJo was like, hey, what are your thoughts on me singing about my bean? I think the queer community would be a resounding, please don't do that.
Yeah. I do like what you said about it is a controlled chaos. A safe chaos. A safe chaos where this isn't harming us. We're here. We're LOLing. Yeah. She's talking about getting her bean ground. She's giving us an outlet that we need. I think we really do need JoJo during these times. Yeah. Sorry. I'm not even sorry. I think we need more gay clowns. Yes. During this time.
In other gay JoJo news. More. More. So JoJo, remember, was on our podcast and didn't name her, but was talking about, she was like, I'm dating somebody now who I think and I hope is my forever.
They did just break up. No! JoJo Siwa. i didn't know that jojo siwa and uh dancer dakayla wilson broke up and jojo released the statement let me just read it please um they broke up after being public for three months damn it yeah fuck jojo that's quick jojo that's life though that's amore that's gay amore that's gay amore
That's amore. And a lot of people were like so happy that JoJo had a black girlfriend, too, because it was becoming less cringe.
There was a lot less cringe going on, which I was like, let's do more of that. Frick, man. So what happened is she did confirm it to People magazine that they'd gone their separate ways and that she is single now and that she's going to focus on their own holiday plans moving forward.
Or the song came out and Takayla was like, I no longer want to grind that bean.
Yes. I think love trumps art. I think like... Okay, so if... God forbid Erica was an artist.
I haven't talked about this. And I think if I was going to talk about it, it would be on a private episode. But I'll just say very lightly here. Erica recently, you know that she loves romance novels.
She was like, I'm thinking about writing one.
I read a summary she wrote and I was like, okay, it's actually not bad. Okay. But if it was bad... You're in trouble. Here's the thing. I don't think I'm in trouble because I love this person so dearly that I would, I think, love Trump's art. Even if it was bad, I would stand behind my partner no matter what.
There's no ick that I can get for this person.
Not only that, I'm honking your nose.
I'm throwing bananas out in front of you. I'm 100% if you were in love with somebody, you can't really get the ick.
Let me see her again. Didn't she have a spinoff also? Yeah. Private practice. Don't yell private practice at me. Private practice. She's hot. No, she's so fucking hot. I will say this. The early 2000s, which is when this came out. Were a bad time for gingers. I feel like gingers were the punching bag for a lot of like. A lot of Ron Weasley.
I think that there is something about women supporting women. Queer love. Nobody wants to support a man. I'm not out here trying to support my husband. Have you seen the 98 Degrees? They were on tour and they were trying to do a dance. Yes. People were like, holy shit. See? Imagine being married to one of them and being like.