Joe Santagato
Appearances
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
It's the world's heaviest mug. I think. Right? Is that what it is? World's heaviest mug. And I want to know if you can drink from it. Well, here's the thing. How heavy is it? I think it's around 20 to 22 pounds.
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
Yeah, fill it up. I like the wet t-shirt contest shirts as well. I'm letting you know. God damn it. I'm letting you know right now. My nipples are coming.
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
Do a strong lip. Do a strong lip so it doesn't hurt your teeth. The handle, the handle, the handle. You got it. Can't use the other hand.
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
All I see is him going just... Go on, just a little sip. You can do it.
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
Yeah, look up how heavy it is. It's 22 pounds.
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
There's no way that's 22 pounds. It's just an awkward weight where I can curl 40.
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. It's not for me. Bro.
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
Yeah, dude. He's got the biggest dick in the West. Of course you can do it.
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
But I don't know if you could, like... You could pick someone up on the side of the road. And what, the car just, like, drops? And the car kind of shakes. And then you lose 50 bucks?
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
I don't... There was a joke going around. Like, we convinced my friend that you had to go on 100 bowling dates with your girlfriend to have sex with her. That's... Yeah, like, you couldn't... That's not true.
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
I mean, the pervs are always out. It was in the game, but they scrapped it, so it was backdoored, and then a hacker essentially released it. But it was a hot coffee minigame. You were right.
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
Is it mashed potatoes? No. It already looks like ice cream.
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
Yeah. Their actual name was Seven. Seven.
The Basement Yard
#504 - Lifting The World's Heaviest Mug!
Dog story, horoscope, heavy mug, cereal, snow cone. The heaviest mug in the world?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
It's the polar bears. Of these cities. Yeah. Any that you're really excited about? I've heard a lot about barbecue in St. Louis and in Kansas City. Yeah. What are those called something? Missouri. Yeah. I don't know. But, like, there's some – I hear they – Set. Hut. Ping. I've heard they've had good food over there. I'm excited. Get a rib. Don't fucking.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
For both of us, I also hope I have $40 billion. Ant, if I get $40 billion, you'll get some money too. How about that? I'd love that. He's going to dangle it. He'll be like, Ant, eat this roach. I don't need to do that. Anytime we talk with him, he's just like, oh, you think you can eat 40,000 Smarties? I'm like, Ant, what's wrong with you? He's got all these questions.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You know how I feel about ribs. You like to get them all over your hands and face while you're eating.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
One of the best, like. What are we eating? And then the execution is just stellar.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Ribs is when you're disgusting. Oh, a good... And like, listen, I understand a dry rub. I get it. If you present a dry rub option to me, I'm presenting an AK-47 to your skull. I want this thing to be the stickiest, drippiest, filthy.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Dude, when people cut brisket or burgers and then they do that thing where they flip it on top of each other and they go like this and then that thing is just fucking urinating all over my fucking aluminum foil diaper. God, I want a diaper of brisket, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Overnight diaper, so they have extra moisture absorption. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Into the specifics.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
shut up sunglasses Joe is back yes clearly and you've got energy you've got you've got power you've got power I've got energy I've got you've got energy you've got spunk you've got something more energy there goes one more energy what's that what's that yeah it's some TikTok shit what was that song You got style. You, you got funk. You, you got something all the girls want.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
He's a dad. Pull-ups, too. So it does the work. With the blowout cover. With the blowout cover. You need that blowup protection barrier, okay? Yeah. I want... Listen. Oh. Hear me out. You just sucked in all the air. What if we have
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
barbecue joint we open a restaurant it's a barbecue joint but it's all themed after like diapers so like it'll be like a curry brisket or curry flavored ribs and it's in a diaper You want to serve... Hold on, hold on. And then, like, you get nachos and it's in a diaper. Yeah. Or, like, a kid's toilet.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
For some reason, the idea up here was stellar. One of the best. As it came out of your mouth. As it made its way through my neurological pathways. I don't think that it went that far. I think coming this way, it didn't hit as well as I thought it was going to. I also think that. But like... I'm just talking about just like a filthy, you know, like the messier you get, the less on your bill.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Do you think you can drink four gallons of mayonnaise water? And it's like, why do you need to— You guys love doing shit that's just gonna make you throw up. I'm sorry. You know what I love? Doing live shows and we're going back on the road! We're going back on the road, baby.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Like if you walk out of there just like a filthy, disgusting bitch.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You pay less. Like the cleaner you are, they give you a surcharge.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Eastern. Eastern. For everything. Set your phone to New York time, baby. Eastern. Wherever you shall be upon this rock that we call Earth.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And if you for some reason forget that the pre-sale code is BASEMENT, just remember that it's where Joey first saw pictures of wieners. That's a pretty easy way to remember that. Why are you saying that? If people need help. If people for some reason are like, what is the code?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And then they just remember that the first time that you saw a picture of a wiener, whether it had been flaccid, fully erect, whatever, it was in your basement. Just in case they need help remembering. But I don't know if that's true. That they won't remember?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
So where was it? In your bathroom? I have a brother. I saw his wiener. Insane response. Was it in the basement, though?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Okay, listen, Joey. Chances are the first time you saw a penis was in your basement. You don't get to say that. I think it's a room in your house. I think it's fair that the people, if they for some reason forget, they have that to fall back on.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I'm not making anything up. I'm suggesting some form of a student, like some way for the people to have a better understanding and help them remember.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
making up is what i'm not making it up i'm suggesting making up um but yeah may 13th pre-sale basement i was gonna say something and now i forgot i shouldn't have done that i shouldn't but we have to sell tickets i think uh oh do we go to that like uh do we go to a barbecue restaurant where it's just like they just have like a fucking dragon ribs or something
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Like I'm talking like a table of ribs. I want to go to a restaurant that my favorite restaurants don't have tablecloths on them. And you know what the fuck I mean. You know what I mean. And like they don't serve your food on plates. They put it on paper or they just give you a metal tray. Okay. You know? I mean, I've only been to a couple places. Like, usually barbecue does that.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah. So I think it's... I probably should have just said barbecue might be my favorite restaurant.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Dick's Last Resort? What's that? I think that's what the place... The one that would, like, put a hat on you and it says, like, fucking... Pussy? Yeah, loves to fucking eat marbles or some shit. Oh, I've got...
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
that being the example that you had is so funny have you ever been to one no i walked by one a ton when we like used to go to vegas when we were younger yeah and i like it was it's like hooters it's like the gimmick is just like oh boy what are they gonna say i wait didn't you accidentally go to one of these places when we were in uh ireland
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yes. But he did it two days in a row. But no, the second day I went, he wasn't there. And I said, what happened to him? And they said, like, they're filming a movie across the street and they told him to leave.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
No, the first day. The second day, someone else there called me gay. This is why I'm saying it might be a schnick. No, no, no. It wasn't like – maybe it was the gimmick, but like it was a little hole-in-the-wall spot in Dublin that was like – Did you say there was like dicks all over the wall or something? There was dicks everywhere, brother. See, this must be one of those places.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
But no, it wasn't a chain. It was just like I looked up like local – I like Googled like best English – not English, best Irish breakfast in Dublin, and it was like one of the first places that popped up. So I like looked at it and I was like, oh shit, this is right near where we were staying. So I was like, I'll just walk there. And it was covered in penis. No.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
We're doing shows. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're doing shows. I'm sorry. I'll be honest with you. You surprised me with that. Kind of caught me off guard. I'm a little flustered. My spunk has left my body. Well, you better go and get it.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
So outside I walk up and it's just an old grumpy Irish man. Nice. And I'm not going to do the impression because I haven't gotten my Irish impression down yet. Yeah. But like, he's just like, are you American? I'm like, yeah. He goes, oh fuck, fuck you. Did he really? Yeah. And I'm like, he's like, all right, how many? I was like, oh, just me. He's like, you're dining alone?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And you're an American? You're a piece of shit. Like, he was going off, dude. Bro, going off on me. I'm surprised you, out of all people, sat down there.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
i feel like you'd be like bro i was by myself and i was hungry and i was in a good mood okay so i sat down at the bar by myself and he's like all right what can i get you an irish coffee and bro they had a giant thing on the wall a like a magnum triple quadruple magnum bottle jameson with like a spout underneath it and he's like you want an irish coffee i was like no i'll take a tea
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And he goes, you want a tea? I'm like, yeah. And he goes, that's so fucking gay. God damn, bro. I'm just like... What? It's tea. Was everything else normal? The food was normal. The atmosphere was normal. Besides the... Penises. Abundance of cocks everywhere.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
No, they were like meant to look like penises. Got it. And I was just like... This, I don't know if it was like a restaurant gimmick or if it was just this old man at the door. Right. And he was just, he'd go from table to table. Was he calling other people gay? Yeah, hell yeah. Everyone in there was gay. What? Yeah, dude. No wonder they kicked this guy out. So they legit, I'm not kidding.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
They said they were filming a movie across the street and they had to, they told him like, you need to not be here today for the filming of this movie. Wow. I don't know if that meant he was like,
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
a fucking problem yeah chances are he was sounds like it but yeah dude and and like the food was great it was good the potential but it was also like you know like that level of like that age of men where they're like they call everything gay but then they act super gay with their buddies
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You know what I'm talking about? Like, they were the ones that were, like, in the showers at football practice, and they were, like, grabbing each other's balls and stuff like that. You've never heard that? Like, he was doing that, where he was saying, like, joking around. Like, oh, we're buddies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just like, well, I'll fucking kiss you right now. Yeah, yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Today we're talking about the dates. Immediately demonetized. Shove your spunk back in your hole. See, did you need to do that, Joey? Just put it in a... This is what Glasses Joe does.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You know, like, something like that. But he said you were gay, and he said it like... I was very confused, because, like, a part of me was just like... Did you look at your receipt? Was there, like, a slur charge or anything like that? I just realized how good of a joke that was. Cause it sounds like search. Yeah. That was incredible. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah. Just say that. Edit that. Make it seem like I back pocket that pocket. Hey Josh. Oh, you're not even going to say anything. He gets it. He knows he was, he's watching. Uh, but yeah, dude, I was crazy, but I've never been to one of those where they like verbally berate you. I think that would be funny, but I probably get my feelings hurt. Here's the thing. Yeah. And you know, me,
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I would be very good at that so like I probably shouldn't go to one of those places because it would just be a verbal spat.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I'm like, okay, okay. I'm like, oh, fuck. If hindsight, moving back in time, if I could have picked my first ever job and I knew that place existed, I should have taken that job. Right. What was your – oh, construction, your first job. No, no, no. I was a groundskeeper at Elm Jack. That's right. You did tell me that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And then, like, a couple years later, I worked at, like, a medical – like, a sports therapy place just, like, filing paperwork. Basically, I would show up and we'd be out the night before until like 4 a.m. And I'd show up and would you wear a scrubs? Yeah, I would love a pair of scrubs.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I think that scrubs such so cool such an Underrated part of that world when dudes are walking around the city that are like nurses or doctors or whatever and they have scrubs on I'm like, no, no, no No, this is cool. I don't like that. What I don't like that. I think that's awesome. You should I Let me tell them how to do their thing. Yeah, go ahead.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Scrubs should be, because in my mind, the reason they're doing that is, one, it appears like it's a medical thing. You know what I mean? Like, it's only used in that field. So, like, the idea to me is that it should appear to be, like, it's sterile. And, like, they're only wearing it within the confines of where they are. Bro, it's like seeing your teacher during the day.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
If I'm out and I see someone in scrubs, I am immediately taking... It's like seeing Mickey Mouse take his fucking helmet off. You know what I'm just like?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Do you have that? I don't think so. I think I'm just a normal person that wears sunglasses when I wear them.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I'll tell you this. Single guy with scrubs in the city? Forget about it. Probably.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I'll tell you this. The rolling out of bed and throwing scrubs on and going to work is phenomenal. Don't even have to think about the outfit. Not even think about the outfit, but, like, it's comfortable. Yeah. I mean, you should wear, like, an undershirt under the top because the top just looks like it's like a small hockey jersey, you know? Right. But you know what I like wearing?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You know when you got to get an x-ray and you got to wear the big jacket? Do you like weighted blankets? Uh, yeah, but I don't like owning it because, like, I can't fold it. You can't fold a weighted blanket? Bro, I mean, unless you have the strength of ten men. What do you mean? It's the same amount of weight. It's just— As a blanket? Wrong. No, no, no.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I am going, if I'm going to get a weighted blanket, I'm getting the heaviest weighted blanket I could find. I'm not doing, like, a 10-pound for, like, a little bit of a hug. I want, like, a 75-pound weighted blanket because I, like, if I'm going to feel, bro, I'm a bigger dude. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm massive. I'm so big.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
They also, what job? The job of holding you down in bed. I don't know if I want to be held down. Well, that's what the blanket's doing. No, it's meant to just feel like someone is holding you. Not holding you down, dude. I don't want to be like fucking... Bro, you get a 75 thing that you're fucking down. Well, it's also they say that you need to be very careful with kids in the house.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You know, like, I found myself just naturally just doing this more. You know? Like, you want to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like, you know, and just like, I found myself scratching my face differently. That's a weird thing. But, like, normally I'd be like, but now I'm like. Oh, okay, so that looks very similar.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
having weighted blankets because like yeah you that could be bro a nightmare also like if you pick this thing up and you drop it on a child dead curse splat well bro if you drop anything 75 pounds on anyone they're not 75 pounds i think the one i had was like 10 well no i've seen they have ones that go up to like 50 60 70 who are those four i'm telling you you can look that up they're but they're expensive too they're like a couple hundred bucks 60 pounds is insane why
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Not necessary. And also, where do you put that? How do you make your bed?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You know what's funny is a couple years ago, I got Becca a... quadruple X, like, the biggest blanket that you can imagine from this company. Because back, you know, when we do like, when we like lay around and watch stuff, we like being cozy cuddly. You understand. Oh, yeah. You know, you're a big cozy cuddly guy. And it was like a 10 foot by 10 foot blanket or like 12 feet by 12 feet.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Oh, so you're all fucking tucked in a cocoon. Bro, dude, you can literally fit all of us under it and then some. The only thing I didn't realize, though, is that folding it is the most difficult thing in the world. I hate it. You know? But just to get all wrapped up like a flower in a bouquet. That's what I'm talking about.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I hate that. I need my nipples covered. You know what we need? Here we go. Big business, guys. Back. Are you about to create a blanket? No. I'm going to do what the rest of the world is seemingly doing. I'm going to take the exact same product. Yeah. And I'm going to put splashy words in front of it and market it only to men. So men think like, what the hell? Not this fucking Target blanket. Okay.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You know how they'll be like, here's a bar of soap, but we're going to call it thick soap. Yes. Smoky gun. Yes. Smoking gun soap. Well, it'll be the exact same product, but we're going to put flashy marketing toward men words in front of it.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah. It'll be like five o'clock shadow throw blanket. And I think men think throw blankets, blankets, throw blankets are like gay, which is why there's such a demand for men's throw blankets. Yeah, dude. And it could be like this throw blanket is made with like oxtail fur. Yeah. And like it's it's scented with cigarettes and titties. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You know what I'm talking about? Cigarettes. It's just – it's a market that has not yet been cornered. And we need to get to it before The Rock does, okay? Because this guy, he took skincare and just put his face on it, and now it's a multimillion-dollar industry for him.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Definitely eat sandwiches differently. We've talked about this quite a ton. Yeah, you're like. Yeah, I eat sandwiches like a. Like two dogs. Like two shadow puppy dogs, yeah. And I'm just like. Enough about your sandwiches.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
What's that thing where, like, it's like... I like... There's a phobia. That's... There's a phobia that, like, people are afraid of, like, when there's too many little circles next to each other or dots next to each other. You have the opposite of that, where it makes you want to suck it and fuck it.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
He's banging the blanket. You ever bang a blanket? I've tried. J.D. Vance might have.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
What is that? Or more failed? Well, in order to fail at something, you need to try.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You couldn't even fit it in the... Yeah, no, well, the only way to fail banging a blanket is to just not bang it. Right. So chances are you banged a blanket. What'd you do? I think he might be referencing the conclusion of that, of said banging. Maybe it didn't get you to where you needed to go.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
So you banged a blanket, and you consider that the not finishing is the failure. yes correct all right um i don't want to ask more questions because so moving on was it what color was the blanket navy why do you know because he remembers it's his story what do you mean why do you know he's like was it your blanket or was it a family blanket was it the one that got away is my question
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I got another business idea. I got another business idea. We're going to wait on that. We do have some sponsors for today.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
They're polarized, whatever that means. Oh, there's Polaroids in them? They're taking pictures in them. They're taking pictures, too.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And you know what? Whatever journey you want to go on, let The Basement Yard come along with you, okay? And where could we hold hands and skip along this personal journey you may have? Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard, folks. I tell you about it every single week. We tell you about it every single week.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You sign up for this Patreon, you get exclusive, exclusive access seven days early with that first year to these weekly episodes, okay? And then that second year, you get exclusive access Double and tripling the exclusive just for you. Episodes every Friday. And they're just for your eyes. And guess what?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
If you joined today and you're a first-time patron or you were gone for a little while, listen, we understand. You get every episode that's been backlogged. So whatever you missed, whatever you haven't seen, is there for the taking. So go to patreon.com slash TheBasementYard in order to sign up today and listen up, okay? You want to save yourself a couple bucks? Well, our Apple Oval... Our Apple...
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
are apple overlords uh they if you sign up through the uh patreon app you have to add there's a there's an additional surcharge you want to save that money whatever that money may be because it's very important you can go to patreon.com slash the basement yard on a web browser and sign up there all right we want you guys to take this journey with us it supports us directly and uh you know it keeps the lights on so thank you guys we appreciate it we love you patreon.com slash the basement yard go check it out
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
There's Polaroids on glass. That means they react differently to sunlight. I understand that. I think they must. Because my employer got us vision insurance, and I'm very appreciative of that. Boom! Boom! But... You heard fucking giggles. He's no longer giggles. Now he's big, deep laugh boy. Ah!
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
So, the idea that I had is, you know how they have anime pillows that people marry? You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. I know that that has happened. I don't know that they're made to be married. I don't know if they're made to be married, but none of us are technically made to be married. But along the way, we figure out that we're going to marry.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I mean, tell that to the Christians, dude. Okay. I'm not going to talk to them. I think that they've tuned out of this show a long time ago. Okay? Yeah. Hear me out. Marryable or like the same thing with pillows, but they're blankets.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And like when you fold them, it's like, you know, like me like this, but like standing up and then you open the fold and it'll be me fucking buck naked and it's, and it's knitted. So like, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. It doesn't work cause I don't have a vagina, but like say, say it was someone that does have a vagina. Okay. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
The blanket is knitted, so you know how you like to fuck your blankets, you two? You just pointed at me saying that? Well, you toe-fuck your blankets is what you're doing.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Okay, what's the difference? Wearing a sandal and having sex?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Just, I think that this could be a multi-million dollar industry. I know that you think that. Well... Why not? What the fuck? You got glasses on, too? Why are yours purple? You look like a fly. Oh. You do kind of look like a fly, yeah. You know, like, fly... Bro, flies, by the way, low-key, if you get really close to one... Fuck them. They're weird-looking. Yeah, fuck flies.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Have you ever seen, like, an ayot really up close? They're like... Yeah, their mouths are, like, vertical. Or no, they go, they have pincers. Well, they have mandibles, I think is what you're referencing. Right. But like, I think they also have like mouths like us. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? But like flies, do they have like a bunch of eyes? Am I making that up?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Or they got two big eyes? I think they have two eyes, but like in the eyes, it's like a honeycomb looking shape.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
But they got two big goggles. What's up? What are you doing?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I thought I was going to. Yeah, no, I don't know. Shaded glasses is a choice. I will say that. I love that. Love that choice. I once had a T-shirt with purple shaded glasses on it. And what is that for? It was Stewie Griffin.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You had a Stewie Griffin t-shirt. I had a Stewie Griffin t-shirt, and it was his face, and he had on aviators. And I'm pretty sure maybe the shirt was purple, but Stewie Griffin had on aviators on my shirt. Best shirt I've ever worn, obviously. That's the best shirt you've ever worn? Did it say anything on it? Now that I think about it, I had a lot of Family Guy t-shirts.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
yeah you did i had like what did the shirt say nothing it just had him with glasses yeah i could find the picture but i i might have to just send it to aunt after i don't need to see i don't need to see the photo it's fine sure yeah it was a pretty cool shirt now that i think about it yeah i know you had that you had a lot of cereal t-shirts i have a question good and this is a serious question oh okay hold on go ahead
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Is there a problem with me liking to match? What does that mean? Because like we were recording something the other day and Greg was just like, oh, hey man, you're very matchy. You're very matchy. And I was like, yeah, I like to match. And he's like, what did he say? Something along the lines of just like, it's not 2009 anymore or something along those lines.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
It's funny because I like Greg's sense of style. I think he has a good sense of style. I would also define his as matchy, though. It's matchy.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
capacity right yeah i don't know i don't know if it was supposed to go together if it was just like a i'm out because i i understand i am not always up to date with fashion trends music trends you don't have to listen you can just say everything okay Fashion trends, music trends, pop culture.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Recently, Lynch also told me, he's like, hey man, don't ever let anyone tell you that skinny jeans are out of style. I like my skinny jeans. I like my clothes to be a little form-fitting.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah. Sometimes. Yes, I do. And I have no problem with it. Sometimes you do have jeans that are like, whoa. Well, that's because daddy's put on quite a little bit of thunder. You know what I'm saying?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
It's power is what it is. That's what I think. I mean, it's also about how I feel. Right. But you feel powerful? I don't feel as powerful. I can look exactly the same and be active every day, and I feel like I could move a brick house if I wanted to. Yeah. But it is the power. Right. I don't consider myself – out of shape, I consider myself powerful or not powerful.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Although your glasses indoors definitely seem to suggest that you're on that show. Okay, relax. I... with of the force coursing through you is what you're referencing right yeah pivoting so there was a story that came out recently yeah and i wanted to talk to you about it there was a truck carrying eight hundred thousand dollars worth of dimes Like coins. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Just absolute dimes, baby. Yeah. It's not 2009. We don't refer to women as objects anymore. Well, we don't. Right. Other people might. I'm sure it does happen. Yeah. And it flipped over or it crashed and the money went everywhere. Okay. 800,000 times. So my question for you is how much money, if you saw this on the side of the road, how much money can you get away with?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And we're talking... Wait, was it $800,000? Worth of dimes. Okay. So not 800,000 dimes. Right, right, right. $800,000 worth of dimes. It's like the argument where it's like, what's heavier, a pound of feathers or a pound of brick? So basically you're saying if there's $800,000 worth of dimes right here, how much can I get away with? Yes. Is it just on my person?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
60 seconds is... It's basically you load up and then you go to your car. So, like, what do you think you can carry at a time? Yeah, you're not over there, like, taking a bucket and throwing it in your backseat type of shit. Yeah. It's just what you can get. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if I walk over there, if I got a hoodie on... Hoodie? Oh, neck? Well... You have to fill up my hood.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
It sounds like it's a plant. You know, Ant just decided to go on his FoodTube account and like, you know how they say Finsta is fake Instagram? Oh my God. Well, you're fired, I think, after that. FoodTube? FoodTube? FoodTube? His FoodTube account or his Finsta or his Fitter or his Fex, whatever, oh, X, because it's no longer Twitter. Oh. Well, I appreciate it. Well, Jesus. Did you hear the rumor?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Tie the bottom. But you're wearing jeans. What does that mean? You can tie the bottom of your jeans. Joey, whom are you? Yeah. Well... You wear jeans more often than not. Or shorts. And in that case, you're a triple fuck. Screwed, yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
For those of you guys that are not in the United States and may not be familiar with our currency system, a dime is 10 cents. 10 cents. 10 of those make $1. 100 cents make $1. So you're thinking you could shove your pockets and walk away with $100? How many is that?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You think so? I think so. Bro, I'm getting way more than that. In one pocket? In one pocket. First of all, I wear deeper pockets because I'm a powerful man. I'm more powerful than you. Ant's going to walk away with the most money because he's got Clark. Oh, my God, dude. Ant's going to be like, I got pockets on my knees. Joke's on us. The pockets on this boy. I mean, those shorts are.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
By the time you got those things, I said you have 60 seconds. By the time you have those things tied, you don't have the time. You've never seen me tie a shirt hole. Tie it right now. Tie a shirt right now.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Exactly. So technically you're right. I've never seen you do it, but you've also never seen you do it. I think that if there's all those dimes, I could probably walk away with like 600 bucks. $600. What do you think that weighs? Five pounds?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Bro, no way. Because diamonds are also light. They're thin and they're skinny, like quarters.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Bro, I'm walking away with at least five grand. Yeah, are you insane? You don't think so? Why?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I think I have shoes that I could fill with dimes, socks I could fill with dimes. I have pockets I could fill with dimes. I have hands that I could fill with dimes.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
$1,000. We're in Britain now. Yeah. All right. Maybe 5,000 was a bit of an exaggeration. I imagine. A bit.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I would say let's go by because they're light. How much does $100 worth of dimes weigh? Am I guessing?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I would say that probably weighs like four pounds. That's wrong. So you can't walk away with 400 pounds?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
That's a good point. We didn't calculate volume here. I'm going purely based off of weight. I don't care about volume. I could carry a lot more dimes than I could walk away in that situation, but I don't have that many pockets. Those people that pay for parking tickets and buckets of coins and shit like that. How much is $100 worth of dimes? I would say, like, a quarter of a pound. Bro, it's not.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I know that you got to get to that. We're not, are we? That apparently he named it that because he wanted his jump to be the logo. What jump? You know how Elon Musk jumps like a fucking... Like a Teletubby? Like a knick-knack? Yeah. Remember those toys from the early 2000s? I actually don't, but I feel like you're right. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
That's insane. All right, all right, all right. A fucking, at most, a pound. I'm actually going to change my answer to, like, 10 pounds. You think you can get 10 pounds worth of dimes?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Bro, they're small. They're the smallest coin. But it's 1,000 of them. Yeah, but they're small in their light. How much does it weigh? It weighs 5 pounds. A quarter of a pound. Okay. What are you thinking?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah, so... Wait, so $100 is five pounds? Oh, dude, I ain't walking away with... So your $5,000 would be 250 pounds. $5,000, 250 pounds? Yeah. I could do that. You're carrying 250 pounds a lot. Bro, I can do that. I could 1,000% do that. Bro, that's carrying a... Watch this.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Draped all over your body. Watch this. 100 pounds on my shoulders. Like I could squat. You could squat 100 pounds. What do you mean on your shoulders? Like how would you get dimes on your shoulders? I'll stack them. What are we talking about? Let's say I have like a – like if I just have like a sack in my car. I could put it on my shoulder. Your Santa Claus? Sure. I could put that on my shoulders.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And then it's another 150 pounds. 75 in a bucket, 75 in a bucket. Yeah. You can't deadlift 75 pounds on each hand? Frank, I'll throw it against the ceiling if I want to. That's what I'm saying. I think I could walk away with a couple grand.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Now you could just fill up two buckets. Like, that would take more than a minute. All right, you're right. You're right. You're right. If we're wearing what we're wearing right now. If we're wearing what we're wearing right now. You're in trouble. I'm in huge trouble.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
disarray you're in a big old fat probably and still has he's gotten more he does anytime he walks in we should we should do like a line on how many pockets today set the line every day at like three and a half you know or no just my numbers three and a half five and a half yeah um i would say right like this i'd probably get like not that much dude i i'd probably get like
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Because I got pockets. Can I see the pants you're wearing?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Oh, those look deep, though. And you have... I got butts. I see a zipper pocket in there. Where? Is there? No. Okay.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I think we listen to different music. Oh, fucking Nicki Minaj. Your love, your love, babe. Your love, your love.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You catch me on a day where I'm wearing loafers and flowy pants, we got a problem. I can't carry that many dimes, though. I think I get $500. Realistically. I think... How are you carrying $500? I got a hat. I got a hat. Ooh, I always wear hats. I always wear hats. You can't... A hat? All this? I don't have shoes. That's a problem. That is right. You do not. You are wearing sandals. Flip-flops.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
He did that so his body jumping could look like... Dude, I don't know. Dude, did I ever tell you? I don't know. With bated breath watching this.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I think I can do it. I'd take this off, tie it together. The arms. I can get all this. 5,000 dimes? The fuck out of here. Yeah. If you were able to tie that together... Yeah. Oh, if I was wearing a turtleneck... If I had prep time, I'd wear the right clothes. Turtleneck. That's turtleneck.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You were on the way to a recital and then a truck flipped over all these times. I'd wear construction boots. The sketcher boots. Bring those back. No, I'd wear rain boots. Or galoshes. Sure. What's that? Those are rain boots. Or, like, waders. What if I wore waders? I don't even know what that is. Waders are, like, people that, like... Yeah, they are.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I'm talking, like, the people that, uh... That, uh... Like, they fish and they, like, stand in the water. Yeah. And they have that rubber, like, overalls that come up to their chest.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Overalls is a great answer. Overalls is, like, fine. No, but waders are smart because the boots are built in.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
The boots are built in. So wear waders... Yeah, but if you fill that up, you can't move.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And you can't move it? Oh, I've... It's happened to me. I once had... At Ralph's house. Ralph had one of those? Didn't you guys have one of those? Like a five-gallon water jug where it was like a ton of change? It was like a water jug like that that Ralph had. I think it was made out of glass. It was filled. And then it was like... His dad was like, if you can move it, it's yours. And I was like...
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Don't give me that challenge because I'll move it and then you're going to owe me the money. Bro, fill up a fucking five-gallon jug with coins. The heaviest coins you could think. I'm moving it. Move it in what capacity? Shift it? Tilt it? Get it from A to B? I could do it. You're just going to have to...
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, dollars, half dollars. Half dollars. Half dollars are cool. Nickels, bro. Dumb. Half dollars are cool because they were the only one I could fit in my eye. And like, like that, like I was wearing a monocle. What? You put a diamond. What do you put? A half dollar. A half dollar in your eye. Yes. Okay. They were big, too. Remember the size of those bitches? Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I mean, I haven't seen one in a long time. Who's on that? JFK, I think. JFK? Yeah. John? Jacob. He was on those? Yeah. John Fakeup. Dingleheimer Schmidt. Frederick, I believe, but I don't know. Fitzgerald is his name. John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Yeah. Yeah. Junior? Was he junior? Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
jfk jr bro who is the one that that was the president jfk jr that's a good question now that i'm thinking about it because i know rfk jr jr wasn't no it was just jfk was the president and then he had his sting you know gotten rid of bang bang yeah that was uh that was something uh I have a half dollar that my grandmother— You ever go down that rabbit hole?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
But were we all in the car? Was there two cars? You know what it might have been? Because remember I went and got a haircut, and then you guys went to that somewhere, and then the mall after, and I met you at the mall?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I just have to say, that's the best fucking haircut I've gotten in my entire life. In Dallas? In Dallas, Texas. Wow. Technically, it was outside of Dallas. I don't remember. What was the name of that area? Arlington, maybe? Nope. I don't know. It was not Arlington. I don't know, bro. I've been there once. Nah. All right. But I drove over the X, and I was like, oh. I can't get into conspiracies.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I just don't have the time for it. Dude, I love it. But we do have some more ads. This is a long episode.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
some doctor's appointments, you're going to want to use ZocDoc, okay?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You just go on the website, you put in your insurance, and then you put in your area.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Come on, dude. You can't spring that on me and then expect to move off that.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And... They're great. I mean, they have three times the electrolytes of leading sports drinks plus eight vitamins and nutrients all in a single stick. You just pop it open.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I love that you saw that because I know you bought that at Target. No, this is way pre-Target, dude. I mean, you could still shop at Target. No, I must have gotten it from, like, you know, that store that used to be in the mall that carried all those graphic tees. A Pexun? No, no, no.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
It was, like, not a name brand store where it was, like, you can get, like, the Cookie Monster tea, and then it was one that says, like, the man, the myth, the legend. And it pointed at your penis. And it pointed at your dick.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah. What the hell does that mean? I don't know. First of all. Yeah. I think we could agree. Hold on. What are we agreeing on? Your face would be the face. Why? You got a great face. I like my face, but like you're the money making face.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Let's give them a second to adapt. Yeah, let them adjust. They're a little purple. They're a little smushed, misshapen type of things. Give it to – Oh, I get it. You know what I mean? I completely get it. But, like –
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah. Because you keep up with it more. With my face? Yeah. What does that mean? You groom and shave more. You're getting haircuts more frequently. I haven't gotten a haircut since October.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I like my face. And your hairline. Well, that's crazy. All right, so if we could put together the ideal face between our faces, okay?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
It's going to be your facial hair. We can agree to that. Bananas facial hair. Okay. I'll take it, but I don't know if that's even... My bottom lip. What? I thought I was going to... You have a good one, but your top lip is stronger than my bottom lip. My top lip is better than your top lip? Yeah, okay. Okay. Whose eyes? Whose eyes? I think I have good eyes. You have great eyes, Joey.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You have blue eyes, dude. Or like hazel. Your hairline and hair. Duh. I'm sorry. Can I have this? Can I have this? Can I have it? Frank, take it. How about this? I'll take the hairline and the hair. Give me your hair color. You don't like your hair color? I like my hair color. Wait, is it black, yours is? Well, technically, no hair color is naturally black. It's just dark brown.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
But, like, the salt and pepper you got going on, you know it's working. You're so horny for that. Horny is a weird word. Who's got better ears? I don't even know what my ears look like. Who's got better ears, Ant? Look at me, dead on, Frankie. Dead on. You got to see his ears, dude. Yeah, why dead on, bro? Because I got to see how wide they are as well. Oh, so now we know how Judge bases ears.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Joe's top lip. Joe's eyes. Yeah. How do we feel about my eyebrows and nose? I think, I think, I think, remember when I was saying powerful before? Yeah. I think my nose carries quite a bit of power and strength.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Becca tells me that all the time. She's like, I love your nose. And I've always, I've been fine with it. But now that my wife likes it, I'm great with it. Okay. You know, she's instilled confidence in you. That's the way it works, baby. Right. Marry someone that brings you up. Yeah. My nose. Yeah. You're cool with that? Cool. I don't feel any way about my nose.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I think we're going to, I'm going to have to take eyebrows from you though. From me? From you. Oh, like your eyebrows are nicer, but can you do this? Ooh. Ooh. What is that? Watch, watch, watch.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Both, bitch. Nope. No, I can't. Honestly, it depends on the style. If we're talking early 2000s, super skinny, Rachel Weisz and the mummy eyebrows, you win. I don't even know that. I don't even know. You know. What about a compromise? His eyebrows, your eyebrow dexterity. Now we're getting into dexterity. Who's dexter? I don't even know what that means. That. Oh, like my movement. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah, that's exactly what I said. Oh. I didn't get those pictures. That's not fair. I didn't get those pictures.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
My movement and emote ability. Okay. I'm fine with that. Yeah. Okay, so I need someone who animates the show to make this, okay? Whose neck? Because I got a big one, and I don't know if that's good or bad. What size is your neck? I think it's at like an 18 right now. What? Yeah, dude.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I think so. Oh, then I... Well, last I got fitted for a shirt, it was like... 18. Or maybe 17 and a half.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Well, you do. You work out your traps quite a bit. I haven't. Oh.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Okay. I think... Man, I mean, who is the judge of this? Ant? About what?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Whose neck turns you on more? Facial hair excluded. Wait, why are we doing turning him on more? Why is that? This is so stupid. And now. It's probably Joe's neck. But wait, but wait. My neck has built in strangulation defenses. Watch this. Someone comes to strangle me. Oh, that's pretty good. Can't strangle that. No, but, like, look. Oh, that's pretty good, too. Look at this.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I can do that. I can also do this. What is that? I can move my throat. That's a crazy thing to say on this show. You know, we need that skill for the setup, yeah. Just like, you see it? Let me ask you a question.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Wait, hold on, time out. You don't get to have that reaction because you're going, oh, I know what you mean. Oh, I know. Yeah, how about my fucking newborn daughters were... That's what I'm saying. You're saying, oh, I know when I'm talking about newborns not looking good. No, most newborns look like aliens. I agree. Greg's newborn. I haven't seen Eleni's.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
The internet's going wild. Your feet are everywhere. You got back dimples.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I'm not going to open it up. I'm not going to show it. If I do have back dimples, they're for one person only, bitch. And it ain't Joe Santagato.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
That's crazy. I'm going to see those back dimples. You got back dimples?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
So confident now, I have no idea All right, someone build that face though build that face skin tone.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
My tongue, here's the thing, my tongue is often, the other day we're recording, and in the middle, Greg goes, why is your tongue so green?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I had some Big League Chew on the way to the office. Sue me.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Maybe. I mean, technically, by definition, you do have spunk. What is spunk? Oh, is that sperm?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You have a big ass crack in the middle of your mouth. Unlike your tongue.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I thought you were talking about my ass crack. I was like, what? No, no, no, no, no. And your tongue, you have a big ridge. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Someone build that face.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Someone's going to do it, and we're going to be mortified.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Building our perfect face? Building the perfect face. That's a toughie.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Can we just name the episode? Well, that came at the very end. I imagine we wouldn't name it that because people would be like, where do they talk about this? Yeah, I don't know. Well, they have to wait to find out. It's obviously going to be about the tour dates, though.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
If you want to enjoy a sloppy, stinky rack of ribs in a diaper. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Bro. Yeah. You ever see a guy. I know who you're talking about. Yeah. If it doesn't slide off, it's free.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I fucking... What about my daughters, bitch? They're beautiful children. Go back. To what? When they were newborns. I actually don't remember. If I show you right now, will you give them your beautiful fucking... Because I'm pissed now. Now you got me worked up. Give me the glasses, bitch. Wait, what? Were they beautiful newborns? I don't remember. I don't know what they looked like.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
i i have to say i have to say i'm into all types of cuisines i don't know if i get excited for any food more than i do just uh just like sloppy fucking disgusting barbecue yeah and like if i ever squirt bottle i'll let you know right now as a society Here's a warning to all cooks out there.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
The moment we start doing elevated barbecue, like you try to open like a fine dining barbecue restaurant, I'm going to burn your place to the ground. That's crazy.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
But like, if I see someone with like, you know, a white guy with like gauges in Brooklyn and he's just like, you know, elevated, you know what I'm saying? Like, listen up guys, we're doing fine dining barbecue. Can't. You better hope those windows are bulletproof. Right. Because I'm sending a Molotov cocktail or fourth room. Okay. Okay.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
If it could stop bullets, I imagine it could stop a... Can we make a Molotov cocktail?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
No. Why not? Because it's dangerous. Who's stopping you? No, yeah. Who's stopping you? Good old Uncle Sam, I imagine, is stopping you. Hypothetically, right?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
But, like, can I just put... What is it? Like, alcohol, a rag in a bottle? I think technically... Could. Technically, it would be considered an improvised explosive device, an IED, which is, you can't make. So that's what that stands for. You can't make that. What if I just wanted to, like, make one to throw at my fireplace to, like, turn it off?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I imagine, like, no one's going to police that unless you're, like, in, like, an area where wildfires are prevalent. Bro.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Well, the throwing it, the spreading of it is the issue. You would have to throw this thing.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah, but Joey, you don't think stuff sprays back at the person once it hits? Of course it does. So how far back are you going to be with this fucking incredible aim that you have, which you and I both know you don't have great aim.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
With a Molotov cocktail? I've never tried to throw one. First of all, I think it is illegal.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah, honestly, I think that we're, you know... Hold on.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I think this might exist already, so I'm not even going to say it. You've had...
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
progressively worse I don't know why every time you're like I have a business idea and it's the most outlandish thing I've ever heard Joey I think you understand as big business Joe that sometimes it's not about having the great idea it's about it's about the ethos the ethos exactly so like you know how many how many times you think Bill Gates had to go through Microsoft before he came up with Microsoft
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You know what I'm saying? Probably like twice. I don't think he ever landed on like diaper barbecue and then got to Microsoft. I don't think that's the track. You never know. I mean, you only hear... What do they say? You only hear about the successes. You don't see the failures. They scream my failures and they whisper my accomplishments. I don't know.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Oh, your yearbook quote? Oh, I don't remember it. Did you have one? I remember mine, yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You're going to hate it. It's going to be what? Batman saying something? No, no. What was it? Somehow not as bad. What was it?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
We're going to have to let this breathe a little bit. You know I'm pulling pictures out because I'm furious now. Now you got me. Now you got me.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
It was, screw chasing my dreams. I'm going to find out where they'll be in 10 years and meet up with them then. What?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I'm paraphrasing. Technically, that's not chasing. Chasing is you're always keeping up with it. I'm just saying like, yo, dreams, where are you going to be in 10 years? I'll see you then.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yours was probably like a Mac Miller quote and then like an emoji that you somehow got in there, but the emoji was like... Or like a vinyl record emoji or something like that. I don't even know. I wish I knew. Joey's was probably... Joey's was probably just like... Whatever. That's probably what it was. Sick joke. Ants was probably like, the more pockets, the better.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
What's that word? Most likely to. Yeah, we had that. But it was like, because you guys went to a Catholic school, so it was just like, most likely to fall into Corinthians 16.8.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
When you're specifically complimenting other people's newborns, I would hope that you feel similar, if not the same, about my newborn daughters. The baby was born three years ago. Look at that. That's Maeve. Let me see that. Where you are. I can't see. Polaroid. Take your fucking glasses off. Thank you so much. One more, bitch. Now we're doing this. I'm itchy. I don't know why my back is itchy.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
You know, they didn't give it to us because they were like, oh, no, people are going to get because it's like, you know, like one of the seven deadly sins, like whatever it is or yours were just like as voted by the staff sexiest.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Oh, right. The joke. Yeah, I got you. The joke. You guys got it. Okay. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah. Yeah. So the way that ours did, I actually, my senior year, I counted the votes with my friend. And it was, there was like an initial round of voting. So like write-ins. And then of those write-ins, you take the two most popular or four most popular in some cases. And then you distribute it again for another round of voting. Bro, people at our school campaigned.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
like for like best dressed yes dude like vote me best dressed like i swear to god it was like a thing i'll tell you what there's a surefire way to get me to not vote for you and it's that way yeah yeah what did you win any there wasn't any for my oh did you win any no okay they were a loser yeah loser all right not even not even most likely to succeed
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Oh, and they always win it. It was tough. By the time the voting comes out, they always know who's going to be the valedictorian.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Like A+. All right, baby. I said numbers. He said A+. So different school grading might be different across the board. We had like GPAs like that? I think. It wasn't GPA. It was on like a grade point.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Damn, dude. I didn't have that. My senior year, I had a 101.3 average. I crushed that shit. Wow.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I don't think I was. It was like the girl that won in our year was like... All four years, like, averaged, like, a 115 or something.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah, well, and then it was literally, like, if they get extra credit, they can factor that in.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah. That was your best. So obviously, Italian was your best. What was your best, Joey? And be honest. Lunch. No, gym. Physical ed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. It was phys ed, and I was in English. Oh, okay. Yeah, you're well-spoken.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
yeah dude i remember the the year that was really tough for the people in our like when i was in there was uh chemistry yeah and physics a lot of people struggled with physics physics i don't think i was like wait yeah you know my physics wasn't bad bio and chem was horrific okay i can see that physics and math for me science and math what was your worst subject History.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Oh, boy, do I hate history. I did well in it because, like, it was 2010. It was, like, if you're cool. So I had a deal. I don't know if he's still alive. I hope he is. He was a really nice guy, really cool guy. Old? He was up there. Probably dead. Not up there, but he was there. He's dead, dude. He was the coach of the basketball team. He's dead. He's probably dead as fuck. I don't know.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Jesus Christ, dude. But he gave me 15 points of extra credit every marking period because I would write the lesson on the board in the morning. So he's like, come into class every day. It was my first period. He's like, come into class every day, 10 minutes early. write the bullet points on the board, and I'll give you 15 points every marking period. What's 15 points?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I'm going to do this. It's going to be a while. Yeah, it's going to. It's not going to be a while. I don't post enough that I can be like, oh, no, where is everything? Really? Because it looks like you're swiping the hell out of the thing over there. Ruby. Ruby. I like Maeve better, but that's a beautiful baby. This is crazy. This is crazy. They were both equally beautiful.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Is that even legal? That's insane. Bro, it was high school in the 2010s. They didn't dig. They did whatever the fuck they want. That's crazy. Yeah, dude. Yeah. And that was a... wild deal. It also helped that my mom was a very popular person at my high school. Not only that, but I like earned my grades, but like, was it passing in your school? Like 55? It was originally like 65.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
This guy's willing to give you 15. Listen, dog, I was cool. Like, yo, I was like, I don't think you realize you weren't that cool. You're showing up to class 10 minutes early. Well, no, God damn it. I don't think you realize how cool I was with the teachers and staff at my school.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
But also, not only because, and I say this a lot, my mom worked there, but I was also...
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
good as a student you know what i mean like if my mom worked there and i was a piece of shit they'd be like fuck this kid but even before that school i feel like in uh your other school it was still like that you were cool with all the teachers i was cool with them i actually spoke to my buddy the other day about it um i was cool with them but like i wasn't as good of a student so people like basically like it was like a give and take a little bit
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Okay, noon Eastern, 12 p.m. Eastern. Pre-sale starts with a co-basement. Say what tomorrow is. Tomorrow is May 13th. Thank you.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yeah, but you have to say that. I'm infuriated right now. No, I don't. That's the thing that's secret is that they don't tell you is that you feel this chemical thing that like no matter what your kids look like, they're beautiful. I believe that. Yeah. I'm on the edge of fucking pure rage right now.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Yep. All right. We'll see you, guys. Later. See you next time. Ooh, that was a big one.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
What are you talking about? I don't know, but I'm there. What are you doing? I don't know what I'm about to be enraged about. First of all, I was making a joke that newborn babies look weird. You agree. I agree. I agree, but not mine. Okay. You can have that opinion. That's fine. You just said it. If you don't have that same opinion, I'm going to throw something. Where are you throwing it? At you.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I know, that's what we think. But also, like, over there, they're calling things something different. Oh, in Britain, they're like... In Britain, they're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't need a...
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
They're beautiful babies, yes. You heard the babies part, right? You saw the asterisk that he put on it. Are they not babies when they're born? We're going to move on. No one said your babies were ugly. I'm starting to get worked up. I can't even make jokes now. It's crazy. No, no, no. No. No, yes.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Anyway, can we get to the reason why we're here? I feel like we've blue balled you guys enough, but we.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
to do that that's wanking wanking you know um but yeah technically uh you've got style you you've got spunk thank you you've got something everyone wants apparently oh which is 40 billion dollars in the bank right i wish um Joey didn't wish I wouldn't want that much money.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Pre-sale starts? Question mark? We're going to get to the end of that. Also, is that 10 a.m. our time or 10 a.m. local time? That's a great question, too. I have no fucking idea. We need to figure that out. So let's go over some dates here, okay? We're opening up this tour. St. Louis, okay? June 28th, we will be in St. Louis, Missouri. Never been there. You been there?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Chances are, if you have not been, I have not been. You been to Missouri? Nope. First time for everybody. Never been there. I don't even think Greg's been there. Greg the old, I've been there. By the way, oh yeah, Greg been there, ate that, been there, seen that.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
By the way, while we were in Europe, there was a legitimate series of conversations between you, Zach, and Greg in competition with each other about who's been to the more places. Oh, I've been to the least out of them. I know, but it was so interesting to sit there and listen to that because anything you said, Zach was like, yeah, I've been there.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
yeah anyway yeah because you were like oh no 12 and then you counted it was like six um okay well he's gone to aruba 55 times so this guy was counting everything at epcot i was like i went to morocco and in florida yeah so i had a drink over in mexico and then we went over to finland is that there
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Oh, yeah, that's right. You're about to go. I connected. I had a flight connection there.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Okay? The reason you wanted to go there is because they call it the Cream City, and Joey's so into that. Love the Cream City.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
I wouldn't want that much money because then because then what you're aimless There's nothing you're gonna be able to do all the people around you immediately view you as just a piggy bank We got it Joe
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
What's a horse degree? I don't even know. Is it like, you know, plus seven or whatever they do for like dog years? Why do they measure horses in hands? So dumb. Use a ruler. Really? And they're like, it's five hands. Whose hands?
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Pittsburgh, September 20th. We have a round three for Pittsburgh.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
Regardless of what's going on. Pittsburgh, first time I went, amazing. Second time, not so hot. This is going to be the tiebreaker. This is the rubber game.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And, uh, It's crazy because this is the year 2025, so 25, and 11 plus 13 is 24, and we are one show. So if you think about that, the numbers line up perfectly. I'm going to get a nosebleed trying to figure that out. 12 p.m.
The Basement Yard
#502 - THE NEW TOUR DATES
And, and, listen. And. For the people whose first response is, oh my God, no Delaware show? Listen, guys, there's more that goes behind the scenes than you'd think. So let's have a party. Let's have a fun time.
The Basement Yard
#501 - Getting Fined At Dinner
Not really. And he will raise you up on eagle's wings.
The Basement Yard
#501 - Getting Fined At Dinner
Something of the breath of dawn. And you to rise like the sun. And hold you in the palm.
The Basement Yard
#501 - Getting Fined At Dinner
Did you see, I saw someone when you came to church with me.
The Basement Yard
#501 - Getting Fined At Dinner
For us? No, but like, what am I? Spielberg. No. No. What is the situation?
The Basement Yard
#501 - Getting Fined At Dinner
Bro, I've known you my entire life. I've never heard of you having a girlfriend named Tyena.
The Basement Yard
#501 - Getting Fined At Dinner
I'm watching the movie and I'm like, talk faster, Snape. Like, just get to the thing.
The Basement Yard
#501 - Getting Fined At Dinner
I got into a couple of Ubers in the last two weeks and there's been multiple drivers with cut off gloves.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
I'm a young girl at heart, you know? No, so am I, though. 500 episodes.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
You got it, you got it. That's banana pants. Frankie was beating Joe, but now Joe took the lead.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
Brush. That's like, yeah, that looks like you'd clean your grill with it.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
How many Earths do you think can fit inside the sun? Millions.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
150 million Earths. 1.3 million Earths, but it's still a lot. We kind of. We kind of.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
I think it's just what he said, just rich people going to the moon.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
Monster Energy, top drink of choice for when you hate yourself and so does your English teacher. It's a little intense. That is true, though.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
I feel like my answer is kind of boring. I would just match whoever's drinking the most.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
That's how I'll match. I'll find my buddy and we'll go after. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
Okay. I'm not going to a place and ordering one. I'm not doing it.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
Oh no. No. Um, yeah, I don't know how to pronounce that. It's like retrograde crocofaringeal.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
I think eventually there'll just be a pill that you take beforehand and it just gets rid of the effects anyway. I think eventually everyone's going to be able to do whatever they want.
The Basement Yard
#500 - Cheers To 500!
Yeah a little Oh no You know I did picture this as how this would end Frankie's trying Someone's gotta throw up I'm below you I beat you You're in the middle? No Just take from the spout. Oh, wow.
The Basement Yard
#497 - The Most Major Minor Inconveniences
I just want to make that very clear. Tarantino would feet. Yep. Fucking, what was the guy's name? What was the guy that directed Psycho?
The Basement Yard
#497 - The Most Major Minor Inconveniences
And he like puts the chisel like in the person's asshole. What is that? And then just fucking bang! Yo, literally! And just goes to town. Have you seen those videos?
The Basement Yard
#497 - The Most Major Minor Inconveniences
That is the worst in the world. QR code menus? Oh my God, I hate it.
The Basement Yard
#497 - The Most Major Minor Inconveniences
Bro, I'm here. Wine me, dine me. Don't make me do work. Don't make me scan and sit there and go like this.
The Basement Yard
#497 - The Most Major Minor Inconveniences
This ass is getting just fucking hammered and chiseled away.
The Basement Yard
#497 - The Most Major Minor Inconveniences
You know what it is? That's so major, though.
The Basement Yard
#497 - The Most Major Minor Inconveniences
Every time you go to Jersey Mike's, they're out of ham. Every single time you try to get a penny out of vodka, they use a little too much cream. Every time you get home, your wife wants you to shut the hell up about this sink dripping. Every beer you got is accompanied by your fucking kids that won't shut the fuck up. Every time you try to drive your 2002 Dodge Charger. We're back, baby.
The Basement Yard
#497 - The Most Major Minor Inconveniences
We're back. And, you know, carrying the safe through the city of Brazil and Sao Paulo. Beautiful Sao Paulo visit today. The jewel of South America. The Federales bust you.
The Basement Yard
#497 - The Most Major Minor Inconveniences
All right, listen up, agents. We need to figure out how this group of bikers got this Dodge Charger with 3,500 down, 0% APR for a 36-month lease.
The Basement Yard
#497 - The Most Major Minor Inconveniences
All right, everyone. If anyone else knows how to get America's favorite muscle car.
The Basement Yard
#497 - The Most Major Minor Inconveniences
If only we definitely could get it. For this 1967 Shelby GT. All right, dude.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
No, because of the spray-up thing. I, like, reach over.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
Close the toilet seat. Down, dude. In my own home, I'll do that. Are you, like, a germaphobe? I'm starting to figure it out. I think I am.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
Go ahead. Go, go. Oh, so I throw a bunch of toilet paper in, and then I take a poop so the water doesn't splash back up at me.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
It's out when I flush. Are you just trying to say it's not out when I flush?
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
Show me a piss my show. Wait, have you seen the video? I didn't see the video, but I know the question.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
I was going to say a thousand years, maybe. Shut up. What is the maybe? You made it seem like, oh, I know this question.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
1,200 years? That's quick math. I don't know.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
I think the real problem is that the difference between a billion and a trillion is just so big.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
So this is what I'm saying. So this is one... Here's the thing. This is the person down here. Oh, fuck. That's what that is? I was literally going to be like a trillion dollars. I thought it would be more than that. No, like this is the human. Got it. And this is the trillion. And this is the... That's what I'm... Like, that's why it takes a long time to piss in the Grand Canyon.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
Yeah, I didn't... That can't be true. I didn't think this was right.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
Because you guys were talking about cooking meth, I would say.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
I don't think I've ever smelled coffee piss.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
There's a good amount of times where I don't flush at a bar. Are you fucking insane? You too? Fired. No, no, no. You don't do it at bars? I didn't say that. What's the thought process? I saw a video of like, they flush a toilet. I know you do. They flush a toilet. I did not say me too. And it all like sprays up at you.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
I don't think this man is a doctor. I don't think he's a fucking doctor either, dude.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
I just remember some of them were pretty good. Like what? I don't remember. I couldn't tell you.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
Insertion with caresses, $27, would be $289. So, base pay. $290, basically. Also... To get caressed and fart. Now...
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
No, I think it just creates bubbles when it goes into the water. I also think that, too.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
I think this is all-encompassing. I don't think you can.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
That one's good. That was a good one. That was a good one.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
I don't know. I was trying to look for prices. But, yeah, then these buffed up.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
Yeah. Very, very underrated impression that he did. I feel like I've... It was good? It was very good.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Little twink bitch I'm gonna start yeah, I figured little twink bitch adjacent instead of being a slut replacement He made videos in his basement now He's old and gray basically ancient trying to make his mark across the world like a scratch on pavement That last part no one has given me any snaps. Thank you so much.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
We've seen nook if you buck from afar, Joe. We've seen the only one that can fuck in a car, Joe. We've seen Marathon Joe, Billionaire Joe, and even Boxing Joe, too. But now we're here for your least favorite Joe. That's birthday Joe. Happy birthday to you. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. Francisco, he wanted to make sure you got that in time for your birthday.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Oh, you got, that's right. I was confused. You heard it sucking. What the fuck are you laughing at?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
What was your favorite line? None of it. Can I say that? Maybe you just said happy birthday. What about, I think this one was really, really good. Hair like silk, skin olive oil gold. Joe doesn't have this. But his best friend Frank has all of those. Joe lives life with a pencil dick where Frank garden hose. Right, yeah, no. Yeah, no. That was nice.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, I think it was very... It was thoughtful. It was, for sure. You know, I thought it was really kind. I do appreciate it. It's nice. It was a nice little gift. Jalopy Joe, more like Sloppy Joe. He's a carbon copy of his mom and poppy Joe. Why did you... Yeah, you started dropping bars there. You like that, right? Why did you start calling me Jalopy Joe back in the day? I don't think I did.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I think it was a friend of ours at the time, Chelsea. I think she just started calling you Jalopy Joe. And a jalopy is like a fucked up car or something. Is it? Isn't it? What's a jalopy? I thought that was a lemon. Yeah. A lemon? A lemon could be a fucked up anything. Like someone sells you a lemon. Wait, what? You never heard that saying? Like a lemon is a jalopy?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
This is horseshit. It's good. It's all fun. Well, are we doing anything for your birthday, by the way? Are we just hanging out? I mean, we're going to Vancouver. Vancouver. That's right. We're going to be out there for the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. By the time this comes out, some people might have already been to the show. But I'm excited. I've never been.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Now you're getting into a jalopy theater. Yeah, an old car or in dilapidated condition. Is that what that says?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Dilapidated. You're dilapidated, Joe. Right. What does that mean? You don't know dilapidated? Like fucked up. Yeah. No, but like when someone says like, oh, you sold them a lemon, like something that looks like it works, but it doesn't work. I don't know why they do that with lemons.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yes. Right. Lemon Party. LemonParty.org. Right. Which was old men blowing each other. Were they blowing each other? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah. Don't start typing. Did I ever tell you about the time? Oh, my God. I don't know. I think I might have told you this.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I had a family member post on social media, like, hey, I'm trying to put together some different websites and places to donate to charities and stuff like that. Frankie, do not tell me that you did what I think you're about to say. And I responded like, yeah, I got you. I know of one that it helps struggling farmers across the US or something like that. Frankie.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
No, they didn't. They posted it. They posted like, thank you to these people. Check out these websites. And it was like, thank you. And it was a slide, a whole slide. It was just like lemonparty.org. Was there like a photo or it was just the website? It was just the website name. Oh my God. But then afterward, the person contacted me. They were like, you're the biggest piece of shit.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
If you don't know, by the way, lemonparty.org. Pull it up. Is it still available? Don't pull it up. Eh, pull it up. Pull it up! Uh, but don't, don't put it in the episode. Don't put it in the episode. Josh, cut this out. Josh! Josh, don't put the Lemon Party in the episode. Lemonparty.org, if you go to the website, it's just a picture of old guys blowing each other. Oh yeah, it's still available.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It's still, it's still there. And... Uh-oh. And... Oh! Whoa!
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It is my birthday tomorrow. Oh, well, not as of recording. Not your birthday tomorrow. No, no, no, but it is my birthday tomorrow. But it is your birthday when this comes out.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Don't go to it. There was a line on there that said something like, any of you guys drink Pedialytes or something like that? Don't go back. Don't go back.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Is that like pee? I imagine they were just trying to get something that would just throw people off the scent. Got me. Could you imagine? Sex has a smell. We agree with that, right? Yeah. What does it smell like? I don't know, it's just like a smell. I can't equate it to a food or anything, but it has just like a raw, just like. I think that if it was possible,
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So wait, so this is also, we're treating this as like your little birthday trip? Yeah. We don't have to do that. I might go to Miami. This kid hates... Well, how about you tell people so they can celebrate with you? You just want to pick up and go to Miami? My birthday's on a Tuesday. It's fucking like... I mean, you know, people like to celebrate with you, do things with you. I understand that.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, if you took, if you, I'm with you here. If you took two sweaty thighs, just the meat, and just smashed them together. Or like rubbed them. Or rubbed them together. That's what I imagine it smells like.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Oh. Do you like it? Yeah. You like a musty? I like it wild. I don't know why you're calling it musty.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Well, no. Musty means something different. I think it means like it's like there's like mildewy wetness to it. Oh, that's not what I meant. Look up musty. We need to stop utilizing the... Musty definition. Having a state moldy or damp. Yeah, yeah, damp. I guess technically it is musty, but like I don't. It gets damp. It gets a little damp in there. It does get a little damp. You know, but.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Get a little damp. Josh, you having fun editing this episode? Yeah, no. We're getting a text from him, and he's like, yo, you guys are out of your fucking mind.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It hits you like a fucking ton of bricks. That's when I'm kind of like, all right, we gotta open them. This is... Really? Yeah. Hell no, I live in that shit, baby. That's nasty. No, it ain't. Yeah. I mean, it's a room. I'm not in a fucking box. I'm saying this... I'm not saying the room is nasty.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean... It's ventilation. People live in places that are, you know, apparently... You walk in and out. I live in a well-ventilated home. I don't know about you, bitch.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
There's always a thing just sucking the air out of the room? I wish I lived in a cigar bar. Do you? You'd probably be dead by now, Frank. I would be dead. Cigar bars are a dangerous place. Dude, we went to one in the city, and it was so cool. They had good drinks, good cigars. But even I had to step out because I was like, holy shit. That was too, too, too, too, too much.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I almost joined, yeah, I don't know. Please say, go. I almost joined like a cigar, like as a member of a cigar club.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
First of all, this was way before we started doing this show or anything. This happened... 2014, 2015. I was young. There was a cigar lounge by my college that had just opened up and I went in to buy cigars and I was like, yo, this is sick. There was fucking pool tables. They had like a fucking bar, but like it was like BYOB and shit like that. They had all the mixers and stuff.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And I asked the guy, I was like, what is it to join? And it was like $50 a month. You get a locker. You can come in whenever you want. You can bring whatever you want to drink. You get like 20% off of the cigars. And you live it up. What's wrong with that? I wanted to be a part of a group of men, a friend group of, like, hang out with boys and friends, you know? In suits and just hang out.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
No, no, no. I was going to go and, you know, normal. Just like... Have you ever smoked one of those really long ones? Churchill's. Yeah. Hell yeah, baby.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
They're like, who smoked Popeye? Yeah. There were some that were like, They were like way too big. You know, just like an absolute just overkill. And... Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You know, people want to spend time with you. I understand. You know, now that you're basically 40 years old... Frankie. Also, you're like, how many months behind me? Four. Six. Five. Five months behind. Four. Five. Yeah, I'm only five months behind you. So, it's not that crazy. I'm not 40, bro. Isn't it weird to think of that, though? Like, when you were a five-month-old baby, I was just born.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Anything more than that is not a good smoke. It's dangerous, really. It's useless, honestly. Who wants that? Egregious. And it was legit like as thick as like... Who's smoking those? A fucking adult cucumber. Yeah. And...
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah. No, no, no. I've had long ones, like long skinny ones, crazy that we're talking about. Yeah, yeah. Josh, get him on the horn. Have him on standby. Make sure that you put the word cigar in full text. Text across the top. Add some context. But, yeah, you know. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Any other ways. Watch this. Rather than, go ahead, say something. I really love sandwiches. And, man, good sandwich, it's hard to beat. We have some sponsors. If you are selling sandwiches, you're going to need a website, and that's why you should look into Squarespace.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And you know what? While you're cooking with Caraway, why don't you let us cook over at Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard. We tell you guys about it every single week. And by we, I mean me. And by me, I mean hi, how you doing? Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard is another way to continue to support us. As you guys have seen by now, obviously, we're in a new studio, new digs.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, I was in this world, and you weren't in the world, dude. I know. It's fucked up.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And that's because of not only our general support from all the people that love and support us, but also from the people over on Patreon. So Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. You sign up today, you get these weekly episodes one week in advance. and you sign up for that second tier, you get exclusive episodes every single Friday.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So you can start and end your week with us while you're cooking, while you're dancing, while you're cleaning, while you're driving. Doesn't matter what you're doing. Actually, it does. We don't want to hear about it. Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. Thank you, folks, for all the love and all support. Go check it out. And as you guys have seen, we're going over to Europe.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
for some shows, and if you're coming over to those shows, go to thebasementyard.com slash submit in order to fill out the questionnaire that we have there. We ask you guys some prompts, some questions, and you respond with some stories, fun, cool, crazy, scary, whatever, and then maybe we talk to you or about them while we're at our shows.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So for the shows that we have in Glasgow, Scotland, in London, and in Dublin, go check out thebasemanyard.com slash submit. Submit your responses. Maybe we'll talk to you about you. You never know, but go check it out. Thanks, folks. Joey, back to you.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't know. This is such a crazy episode. It is. We started the episode with a full mariachi band and then Francisco three times slam poetry of the year winner. It's star studded. It's a star studded episode. Star studded. Wait till you see who we got next. Hit it, man. I don't know. We've got nothing. We've got nothing else. What the fuck was that? I don't know what he wanted me to do.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
No, yeah, that's it. By the way, I just found out. Oh, yeah. I just found out that at the end of Santa Gata Studios videos. Oh, the hymn? Bro, I had no idea that existed.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Apparently it's been going on a while. Quite some time.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, he's like, they did this. Sometimes I think you put in one where you were like, I tried this food or something like that. There was something we did.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It's a supervisor who doesn't know what was going on under his own nose, dude. Congratulations. You won that one, Ant.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So that was, like, five in a row that we were listening to the end. No, it's way long. It's been months. Like, I honestly, I feel like it was, like, maybe the summer, right?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, I didn't know those happened. Like, a super long time. So I'm now, like, now I'm going to watch all the way through just to hear Ant.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Honestly, you hit that shit. I do. Do you dance when you record it? A little bit. A little bit, right?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Look at this guy. There you go. See, he is... He's getting it. He's getting it. He's like, oh, give something for people to look forward to every single week. What did Ant say this week? Oh, yeah, maybe you should start putting in crazy things. Whatever he's about to say will get you fired. No, it won't. No, it won't. Start saying crazy things. I can give you some stuff to say if you want.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
We'll talk offline. I don't know if you saw, Joey, a couple weeks ago we spoke about the jerk-off ban that was happening. Did we talk about that? We might not have.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I've been telling you because it's a crazy story. So, Ohio lawmakers. This is Ohio? I didn't know that. It's right here. It's next door, baby. It's states away. State away. It's like 10. No, it's not. It's right, Joey, Ohio. Ohio's not one state away. Yes, there's one state in between us and Ohio. Penn? Yeah, that's it. Is that truth? Yes, it is truth. Pull up map of truth. Wait.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I think that like... No, no, no. Yes, dude. There's two states in between us. There it is. You just said two now. No, I'm sorry. There's one state in between us. Is that true? Yes. Damn. Go to Google Maps. Why are you looking up a picture of it? Literally just type... Don't go to Google Maps.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I can see it. There's the Maps thing right there. I can see it, yeah. It's literally right there. I drove to Ohio once, but we had to go through West Virginia, so I didn't know where that was. Why did you have to go all the way down? Because roads don't just go like that. Sometimes you gotta go like that. Yeah, but there's... Why would it... That doesn't even make sense. I don't know, bro.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't know. You might have got lost and someone just tried to blame it. Hold on. Because now looking at this map, you see how it kind of looks like veins or whatever?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, I know what you're talking about. They mapped their train system.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It wasn't bacteria. It was like mushrooms, like fungus and shit like that. And that's how they mapped the way that their train system worked.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I was looking for the video so we could see it. Yeah, no. It's pretty... I don't know if it was... Oh, yeah, it was Tokyo. That's a three-minute video. Do the 39-second one right there. I got you. It's like... Was it Tokyo? All right, hold on. Let's watch this. I mean, it's just growing out in a circle.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
When it comes out to the pubbies. I'll be 33 years old. Goddamn. It's divisible by 11, which means- You'll be three 11-year-olds. Is that weird? Yeah, that's very strange to say, but I guess that's why. No, three 11-year-olds are all 11, dude. But, like, if you stack them on top of each other, like Muppet style. Not how age works. You can't just add if they're standing on top of each other.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Mad smart. That is unbelievable. Bro, Becca watched, like, a fucking documentary on mushrooms one day, and it was like, they are, like, connected through the soil across the whole planet. That makes me believe—I mean, not that I don't believe, but, like, doing mushrooms would probably have, like, this, like— Bro, there are people that, like, swear by psychedelics and shit like that.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, they microdose every day. I can't do that. I would not—not that I've ever done them, so I don't know what the effect is, but, like, I imagine it's not fun. Why? I mean, if you do, like, an insane amount. But what does microdosing do? It gets you high. Stuff. No, it's not necessarily, like, a high. Like, you don't get, like, high. But you get, like, something. It's, like, it does something.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You get high. Yeah. You get high. Just say it, brother. No. Yeah. You don't even know! I know, I don't. No, like, it's crazy. That's why, like, honestly, Last of Us kind of does scare me a little bit, because, like... If the mushrooms, if, like, bacteria decided to turn on us... Well, that shit is real. That strain of fungus is real. Cordyceps. And that's actually what it does.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It just doesn't do it to humans. It does it to ants. What does it do? It takes over their brain and then makes them act, like, super aggressively. Why do you look up goo? No, I was just going to Google. Don't stop me.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yo, look, there's, like, spiders and animals that, like, cordyceps will take over their fucking brain and turn them into zombies and shit. Bro. I can't, I can't. This is real shit, dude. I know, I know. That's why I'm talking about it. There's no way I'm dying in a zombie apocalypse, though. I would need guns. Yeah, duh. What do you mean you would need guns?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Like, you just broke the fucking... No, like, I... You would need guns? How would you survive with those? Bro, imagine being in here and we just have ammo. Yeah, but we would need food. And the way that Greg eats, we'll run out of food in an hour. Yeah, that's true. This fucking little snack boy. Yeah, no. But he'd probably be good at finding the crumbs around here.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
He does eat like a little rodent. Yeah, he does. He eats like a little rodent. He'll find them. I'm going to say this. I picked up his book because it's over there. Do you see his lips?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
what are you talking about he's got do you see the picture of him yeah he's got an old picture yeah it looks like he just got done you know i'm on that book like in it no like i'm on the cover oh like the picture of you yeah it's like you know no no no like you know it's like oh so and so said yeah yeah so this is the best book i've ever read he's got i'm just gonna say this that picture look at his lips what's wrong with them
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Looks like he got done doing something very fresh. Why? Are they, like, thick and small? They're a little, like, I've never seen Greg's lips like that. Outside of that time that you and him shared that room in Pittsburgh or something? Oh, dude, that's so fucking good and funny.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
stupid loser yeah but so ohio introduced it was literally it's a ban on yeah contraception begins at erection act which what does that even hey man we're not gonna get into the whole debate along because it could be the law in ohio which would make it illegal for men to have sex without intent to make a baby so that includes fucking this is the christians have gone too far with
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
That includes jerking off. This is insane. State Representative Anita Samani and Tristan Rader announced their plans in a Blue Sky video explaining the legislation's purpose. It was initially introduced in Mississippi by Senator Bradford Blackmun and is now going to the legislative floor.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
The bill will make it illegal to discharge semen or genetic material without the intent to fertilize an embryo.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Here are the penalties. Okay, go. For the first offense, $1,000. To beat it? Yeah, but a person of the court has to catch you. Oh, the bill is expected to make clear exceptions for contraceptives, masturbation, and LGBTQIA people. There you go, you dumbass. But still, that means sex. So that means that sex without intent of fertilizing an embryo, the first offense is $1,000.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Second offense, $5,000. Any subsequent offense, $10,000.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
God damn. Holy shit. TikTok. Clip that. Clip that and put this emoji. The sweating one. That's the emoji that they use for you.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It said contraceptives. So if I'm wearing a condom, it's okay? I guess so. It says masturbation, so I guess they allow it. You're safe. Don't worry, jerk-off king. And then it says people of the LGBTQIA plus community are safe as well.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
This is an attack on straights. Make it harder to be straight in this country.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So, like, that's what I imagine it would mean is that, like, if you got forced this. I mean, if someone reports you. Bro, I'm telling you right now, if we ever do a show... Okay, where are you going with this? No, can you imagine just, like... Bro, could you imagine... Like, that's crazy, right? Like, that is some legit, like, Handmaid's Tale shit. Like, they're controlling where semen is going.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Some of us will be safe. What was that? What was that? What were you going to say? How do you get caught? That's what I'm saying. Imagine someone reports you. Who? Your neighbors, like, peeking? Like, I saw them having raw stuff. Maybe. Or, like, in conversation, you know, just be like, yeah, I had sex. I didn't use a condom or something.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So? Yeah, I got you a little birthday gift. This is my birthday gift? This is a birthday gift. You set this up? Okay. I mean, I figured that, you know, you don't like celebrating your birthday. Those of you guys don't know Joe. He hates celebrating his birthday. So we had to do something. You know, me, Greg, Ant, we got together. We wanted to do a little something.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I'm sure they're going to set up... Dude, if people are, like, together, I'm assuming they're not using condoms. I mean... I don't know.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I can't be a straight white male with a ton of money and an opinion anymore, huh? This sucks, dude. We can't say anything nowadays. Oh, man. It is crazy. I do think if... Oh, wait. No, never mind. I mean, I imagine the law will write in how to enforce it and shit like that. Bro, could you imagine being a cop? She'd be like, holding up a blacklight, what's that? What is that? That's weird.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I think that's an invasion of pride. Yeah, duh. Like, that's crazy. Absolutely. It's also super weird that, like, we're in this weird place in the world, or not the world, the U.S., where it's just like, make more babies.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
We're not going to care for them once they're actually out, and we're not going to help them survive their whole fucking life, but make them and put them into the world so we can take advantage of them and take their taxes. Let's get that universal healthcare going before we start making some crazy bills like this. I mean, or... Just kill this bill.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I thought you were going to go kill whoever made the bill. No, no, no, no. I don't want to. Just kill the legislation. I don't want to say that. This is. Yeah, obviously. I mean, do you think. What the fuck?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, well, the world is starting to realize how stupid you are. Oh, here we go.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, I wouldn't say smartest. I would definitely say. I wouldn't either. I don't think anyone would. I wouldn't sit here and profess to being someone of incredibly higher intellect.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You think that you said cordyceps before, you smart guy? Cordyceps, dude. You know cordyceps.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, I have mushroom stuff every morning. I have a mushroom drink every morning. I do. I don't want to say the name of the company because I don't want to give them a free plug. Because you're a money-hungry bitch. Is that why? Because I'm a cheap bastard. Because I'm a cheap fuck. Yeah, it's like Cordyceps, Reishi. Reishi? Reishi. You're asking me? Chaga. Lion's Mane. What's that, a mushroom?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, you ever seen it? It looks like a ball with hair on it. Makes sense why they would call it that. Yeah, dude, it's pretty good, actually.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Wait, are you talking when it's, like, in the wisher?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Why would I do that? I was just curious. I was a kid. I'm curious. That makes sense, honestly. I've eaten, like, dandelion greens and stuff like that, and it's very bitter.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I want to make dandelion wine one day. Actually, I've heard it's pretty good. Dandelion? That's so weird, because the liquor store in my neighborhood is called Dandelion Wine. Yeah, that's a real thing. I know someone that, growing up, they had a big farm, and they would pick the dandelions and make dandelion wine. It sounds like it would be disgusting. I don't know. I've never had it.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Have you had it? No, I don't know. Greg had it, been there, seen it, made it. One time, Ant got me a wine as a gift.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It was a cranberry wine? I hate cranberries. I was excited. Yeah, you like different types of wine. Yeah, and I was like, oh, cool. I hate cranberries. I hate cranberry juice. Not for me.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Really? And I had to text him. I'd be like, yo, I appreciate the gift. This sucks. I was like, I'll just let you know. I wanted to try, like, we've had orange wine. Yeah. We had that at your place. I want to try blueberry wine. Blueberry wine? Yeah. You can make wine out of any fruit, basically. Yeah. But you stick with the grapes. Yeah. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Mead. He makes mead out of Mountain Dew. Yeah. Yeah. I would try it. I would take a sip, but I have a feeling I would hate it. Why? It's just the sugar breaks down and turns into alcohol. It must be insanely alcoholic if it's fucking Mountain Dew. Yeah, that's probably a lot of sugar. Mountain Dew. You a Mountain Dew guy? Absolutely not. Oh, I used to like, I haven't tried Baja Blast.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And you know me, I'm a big Taco Bell fan. I've never been blasted by the Baja. By the Baja men? Yeah. Who's that comedian that does the whole bit on the Baja men? What's the bit? You know what I'm talking about, right? The Baja men who let the dogs out? He did a bit where he's just like, how many Baja men can you name? They've won like 30 Grammys or something like that. No way.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't know about 30, but they've won a good amount of Grammys. One would be more than I thought they would have won. No, they've won. Look up how many Grammys have the Baja men won.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Why do I think that they had multiple? Isn't that song about ugly people? It's about, like, ugly women. That's fucked up. You know? It was like, the party was nice. The party was jumping. Hey, yippee-yi-yo. And everyone was having a blast. I love how you're like, it's something like you know the lyrics. Yeah, what happened to the Baja Men? They're probably still just raking it in. Probably.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
What, 1999 that song came out or something like that? Was it?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, every song was at it. Mambo No. 5 was at our fifth grade graduation. That also came out in, like, 1998.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
yeah lubega is probably still raking it in who lubega oh the guy mambo number five you know boom boom boom boom boom boom boom that song fucking still hits 50 year old white people love that song all right you're gonna be there one day you'll be an old white yeah you're kind of getting pretty close right rank these old white songs okay okay blindly How many you got? I'm going to give you five.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I'm going to give you the five songs and then you tell me which ones are like your least favorite to favorite. Okay. Mambo number five. Who let the dogs out? Wait, we're going in order. We're going blind. Dumbass. Let them put them in a ranking. Well, then you know the first two, then. I'll put who let the dogs out at four. Okay. And I'll put Mambo No. 5 at three. See, that's a smart tactic.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You've done enough of these blind ranking things that you know to attack the middle first. The Macarena. How does the song go? I'm not going to do it. You got a nice try. Because I don't want to offend anyone by trying to sing the Macarena. What language is that? I believe some of it's in Spanish. Then you should be good. I mean, not that good. You know that I can sing the words to the Macarena.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
All right. I'll put it at two. So I have one and five now. Oh, okay. So you're... You got to go big or go home.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
September by Earth, Wind, and Fire. One. That's a great song.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So, so, so good. And then the last one was going to be the Pledge of Allegiance. So crazy, Joe. Wow. Star Spangled Banner. He put last, dude. I know Pledge of Allegiance and Star Spangled Banner last. They were fucking one and the same in his book. He put it last. He put it last. America, get him.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah. That is a really good one. I love when that song comes on at weddings. There's an even better Earth Wind and Fire song called Boogie Wonderland that when that song comes on, I am not severance. Frank is gone. New guy. It's Frank A. Frank A shows up and dances to Boogie Wonderland. Love that. You know what song I hate? The electric slide. You can feel it. It's electric.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I like it. I like it. Did you see my aunt? Oh. Yeah. Oh, white people love that. And your aunt's white, I believe. Yeah. But yeah. What other, or like, all those like wedding songs. Oh, Cotton Eye Joe, dude. We talked about it a couple of weeks, like months ago or a year ago on a previous episode. And we thought, there's got to be something about it that's racist.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And someone looked it up and was like, yeah. Really? I think it has like a... No, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from? Cotton Eye Joe. Yeah, I don't know what that means. But, yeah, it feels like there's an undertone. There's something there. It does feel like that. There's something there.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
What other ones? Cupid Shuffle. That's a great one. Cupid Shuffle.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
To the left. To the left. To the left. We're missing the cha-cha. We're going to get funky.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I used to love it when I was in fifth and sixth grade. Yo, fifth grade was the perfect time to be into the fucking... Reverse, reverse! Or when everyone... We've also spoken about this.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Charlie Brown. Everyone's just like, what do we do here? Yeah, it was like, I don't know what the Charlie Brown is. Yeah, no, no, no. Like, that's too vague. You're telling us to step to the left and to the right and jump. What are other, like, super popular wedding songs? Like, I'm sure... Like the ones that have... I know we did an episode on this. Yeah, yeah, we did. We just completely forgot.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, no jerking off, no coming until it's for babies.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Hold the fuck on. YMCA, banger. I mean, it's kind of been taken now. I don't love the YMCA. From us normal people and given to. I don't love the YMCA. I love it at Yankee Games. The Time Warp. That I hate. Love the Time Warp. You would love that. I have danced so hard to the Time Warp. I hate the Time Warp.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
The wobble can kill itself. What's the wobble? Oh, my God. Wobble, baby. Wobble, baby. Wobble. Dude, that song can fucking pop out its arsenic tooth and chomp down hard. The Hokey Pokey. If I ever go to a Hokey Pokey and I hear that song, I'm rescinding whatever gift I've given to that couple.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I better be at a kindergarten class. party or some shit. Yo, when I was in college, emphasis on the, when I was in college, the wobble was like the thing that people did. So like at like all like the fraternity and sorority parties, someone would put it on as a joke and there were like the, the cool kids would be like, Oh, I can't dance, but I, and I was just like, you guys all suck. Hated it.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Hated the wobble. They didn't include me. Crank that. That's fire. Soulja Boy. Soulja Boy. Damn. All right. Soulja Boy. Tell them. Gangnam Style. The Twist. I've never been to a wedding that has The Twist. Oh, I've been to one with The Twist. It hits. And do the twist. I love the twist. It's good. It's good. Also, a Santagato wedding favorite, shout.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I love how you say a Santagato, a white wedding favorite. Any white wedding has shout.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, out of this world. Wow. That was incredible. That was way louder than I... Absolutely way... This guy's an unbelievable whistler. You heard that whistle. Can you do the whistle? That's unbelievable. I don't know how anyone can whistle like that. Oh, my God. That was pretty impressive. Yeah. Better than... Definitely better than you could sing, you know? Yeah, yeah.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't think I've been to a single wedding that doesn't have shout.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Because I've been to white weddings and they didn't have it. Famously, we went to a wedding back in October with the Halloween drinks. And there's a video. There's a video. Because I had a couple drinks. And I was emotional. It was a tough night for me, okay? Frank was... It's a tough night. Crying harder than I've ever seen. Bro, it was crazy.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I'm not going to tell why, but there was... I'm not going to tell you why. It was the... It starts with A and ends with local. Local. Local. But they were... There's a video of them when they did the... And people get down, and I'm in the background, and my shirt's ripped open, and I'm hanging on my brother, and I'm just like,
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And then there's people, and there are people that are telling, because they won't stop doing that until I get down. There's people yelling at me. They're like, get down. And I was like. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, it was a good time.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Electric Boogie. What's that? That sounds familiar. Boot Scootin' Boogie. What the hell is that? What about Happy by Pharrell? How do you feel about that song? I, so I don't like it for weddings, but, like, it's one of Ruby's favorite songs to dance to. So, like, because of that, I like it. She calls it happy dancing.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So, she's just, like, it was a thing, like, when she was, like, younger, she would go, like, da-da. And I'd go, what? She'd go, happy dancing. It was so fucking cute. Your daughter would do it? Yeah. Like, a weird voice like that? Yeah, like, she was fucking... all hail Paimon, you know, like shit like that. You've never seen fucking Hereditary? You've seen Hereditary. Yeah. Great movie.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I actually just forgot about that. It's a really, really good movie.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
My heart rate's probably like 120. Really? Yeah. Well, happy birthday, you know? Yeah. Did you enjoy it? Did I... Yeah, that... That was Very good and loud if we don't get evicted that'll be a shot Yo that whistle that this guy hit world record that's a pretty like and like he did like the Spanish was like the the like white woman whistle is You know that one. Can you do that? No, I can't.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
All right, folks. All right. Lastly, we have to talk about what is probably the most viral thing in the world right now.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yo, so it's a Spanish version of basically Temptation Island. Yeah. And Becca used to watch it. It's like the idea is like couples that are kind of shaky go on to a show and like the island and like they're supposed to like – have temptation to see if they're strong enough to stay together.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And not only just hot single people, but each other's significant others too, right? I don't really know. I think that everyone's maybe there. A lot of the people who are on the show are there doing the same thing, but there's also single people, I think. Just like they throw them in to just terrorize everybody else?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Let me be very clear about something. I don't care. Listen, I am well aware there are different dynamics and different relationships and all that. If you're going on this show, you shouldn't be together. Yes. Period.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Period. If the idea is like, let's see if we want to fuck other people on TV to see if we'll stay together. It is nuts.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Be on standby. Josh, be very careful. Be on standby. Okay, thank you. Can I talk to him? What do you need? Ask him how he's doing. How are you doing? Good. There's no one there. Oh, okay.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
This is a two-minute clip. Are you going to give the play-by-play? We'll do play-by-play. Welcome back to San Agato Sports. Frank Alvarez here, here with my call-in commentary. Joe, how you doing? I'm good. All right. Well, we got our boy Montoya here.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It's fine. You can just play it. Just play it. Not a good look. Just move the mouse. That's Montoya. So, yeah, that's Montoya. That's his girlfriend getting kissed. Well, he didn't kiss her there. He licked her mouth. Which is worse than a kiss? Way worse than a kiss, dude. Because that has sex behind it.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And she's like, and I think this guy is fucking... In his underwear. And I think she says like, I want to go to sleep. And he's like, all right, let's turn the lights off. Which is like not what you want here. That woman that you're seeing is like the host of the show to my knowledge.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Or they might not even be seeing it. But lights go off. Montoya immediately.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
He's pointing to the water. He's like, I need to go there. He's like, I'm going to go swim across the ocean. I need to go. And then they put the night vision on.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Now, he is very emotional, as you would be if you watched your partner that you presumably love a lot about to enter the den of the beast. And there's no way else to describe this as just emotional. Joey, I don't think you've seen steeper hills in Switzerland when you were out there. It's going downhill from here. Yeah, this is pretty bad.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So he's running right now. He's not running. He is in a full sprint.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And he's screaming. And then the host is yelling at him, Montoya, por favor.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And he's screaming. They cut to. That's what I said. She is. And then there's just other naked people in the hot tub. So they keep cutting back.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Bro, Espo's dad, that's how he would signal for them to come home and eat. All you would hear is just a whistle. Yeah, dude. Like a fucking, like they were cattle. Yeah, I was going to say like they're birds or some shit. Becca, too. Becca, she said she was like, we'd be at the park and we'd hear my mom whistle. And that's how we knew it was time to go home.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't know if she was the rabbit or he was there. It looks like they switched positions. If you go back and we do a play-by-play here, you could see at one point, Joe, you could see at one point that she is on the receiving end of said rabbit fuck. and then does go on top in order to contribute to said... It's a rough go, for sure. And, like, first of all, the editor...
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
That guy will never be paid enough for this. For what they? I mean, crazy you immediately went with him. It's a man. Just other naked people. Yeah, I mean, Josh, don't put that in.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And what made it worse is as he is sprinting harder, They're going harder. They're going harder. It's almost like his legs are connected to their motion. There was a weird... You know how people say there's weird universal connections? Like we have a connection to the stars, the moon, and just the general... feeling of the universe.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
However, our creator made us put a very specific connection between this man's sprint speed. And them having rabid jackhammering coitus. It sounds like a fucking thunderclap in there. It was a lot. And honestly, I would like to see... Because listen...
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You know what I mean? There is no possible way that you as a couple make it out of this. Out of this. And you know what? We don't know the other side of the story. We don't know if he was a real piece of shit or something. It's quite possible. I did read something that he got a lap dance, so this is payback for that, but we don't know.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, how do you quantify a lap dance to, like, that's your payback? That's like someone shooting a BB gun at you and then you dropping a megatongue nuke on them.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I will say this. He technically didn't see the actual sex of it all. He took off. Honestly, good for him. He took off. It was a great time to take off.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, a whistle. Sound travels. That's crazy. But he did the Spanish whistle, which is just like... Yeah, they just do it here. That was incredible, dude. That was really, really loud. That was awesome. So there you go. You like that as a birthday gift? Yeah, that was cool. I didn't know that was on your bucket list. Such a white person bucket list. Like, I want to see a mariachi band.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Because if you were to saw the rest of that, that TV is coming off the hinges. Oh, my God. And there was another clip where he, like, kicks a TV or a screen or something like that. And there's more sex in that clip. And it was intense. Here's what I will say. My heart goes out to these people. I hope that they work it out. I don't. I hope that they go separate ways.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
We don't know who's right or wrong in this situation. All I know is that the editing is fire.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It's great TV. Do you think it's like if he ever hears someone loudly having sex, he gets a form of like... Maybe.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Absolutely crazy. We wish the best for them as individuals separately because this is over. You can't come back from this as a person. Yeah, I think so. I think so. That's a rough one. You cannot. But we hope that they're great and good and, you know, it's amazing. Unbelievable. I mean, go watch the show, I guess, because... I mean, I think that this show is probably getting, like,
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
millions and millions of viewers now per episode. These people will be rich forever because of this. I mean, not these two people, but probably the fucking producers of the show. I mean, no. Those two people are also probably going to be on every single show possible. Because you know how I feel. I believe all reality TV is staged. I really do. Okay. You know.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
That there are American producers of Temptation Island right now that are just like, guys, on this next season, you need to turn it up. Like, they are like, we need to create our own Montoya Por Favor. Yeah. You know? Or they bring this guy on the show. That'd be great. And, oh, my goodness. I mean, actually, this guy's been through enough. Yeah, he's been through it. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
He has been through enough. They are in the TV Hall of Fame now. Is that what that is? What? The TV Hall of Fame now? That just exists in my head. What else is in there? Like Jersey Shore. So Jersey Shore and Montoya, por favor, are the only two things you can think of in the TV Hall of Fame?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't know. My brain is so mush. Why? Bro, do you understand?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I remember when I was in high school, I had heard that my girlfriend kissed another guy. And the crash out that I probably had. Good use of some Gen Z slang there. You like that, right? That's a crash, dude. That's a fucking 10-card pileup crash out. That is bad. That is the definition. Like, I couldn't. Oh, my God. Yeah. Like, unbelievable. Unbelievable. You can't come back from that. No.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Well, good on them, I guess. Montoya. All right, well, I think that's where we can end the video.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
This is bigger. This is better. This is the basement boys. Live, large, raw, in the basement. The birthday episode. I understand. This was your birthday episode. Happy birthday. Thank you. I appreciate the gift. Well, you know, the gift that keeps on giving. That's me. And the poem and everything. If I'm not going to do anything else, I'm going to make you happy for your birthday.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
They're cumulatively. If you put the knowledge of three 11-year-olds together, that's pretty much where you're at. It could be higher.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Why is that a white bucket list? Because, like, you should just do that, like... No, I'm just saying that's something that exists in the world. That'd be cool to experience. That was pretty cool.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
That was pretty sick. Do you think you could play that horn? The trumpet, you mean? It was like not just a trumpet. There was like another aspect to it. I don't know, but I mean, I can't. The trumpet's cool. Louis Armstrong made it fucking cool. Really cool. Yo, you want to hear some shit? Miles got gifted a saxophone the other day, and I kind of want to. From who? Bill Clinton?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
But, bro, I'm not even... Not even gonna fucking lie. I was so jealous.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Kenny G. Yeah, this shit is big and brawling. It's got a strap on it? It has like three on the strap and then a strap around. And then like a full fucking saxophone, dude. I feel like they named that wrong.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, I think sax is good because... Or like a horn horse. It's a sexy horse horn. A horse horn?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Well, I mean, maybe that's what saxophones were originally used for. We don't know. If there was a horn that existed that you blow it and horses come towards you, I'm buying it. I'm sure there is. I mean, they have dog whistles. What does that make dogs do, though? Freak out.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I know. Well, there's no magic. Oh, it's like training. Yeah. They use it for training, just another way to torture fucking animals as if they're not already hating us. Yeah. But it sounds saxophone. It's very sexy, so it kind of makes sense. Can he play it? Miles was, he was ripping some stuff. What? Nothing crazy. He wasn't fucking Kenny Genin out there.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You know what? Someone fucked with me, though, one time, and they said, like, you turned 33, but you just completed your 33rd year. Like, this is your 34th year.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
This kid picked, yeah, that wasn't really good. That's better. That sounded like a cat in his ears. It's like, oh, fuck. I think a saxophone, give him a couple, he'll pick it up very quick. Me? Yeah. Give me some time. I can also pick it up quick. Are you going to attempt to play the saxophone? If he brings it home. It's at his dad's house right now.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
But if he brings it home, it's not going back to his father's house. Let me make that very clear. You need to get your own, like, mouth part. Read. That's what it is. That's what it's called. That's what it's called.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
They're, like, made of wood, I think. They are. They're like balsa wood. It's like a thin. Yeah, it's like a thin-ass wood. Balsa wood or something like that. And you have to, like, tight. You have to get a tight mouth. You have to get a tight lip it. You have to get a tight lip it. Yeah, no, that's crazy.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, you didn't need to call it that. Well, what? You just called it the dick-sucking thing. Just say the saxophone. Keep it.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Well, I actually did get you another gift. No more mariachi bands. Is there anyone else coming?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You got to do, like, four? Technically, yeah. That's crazy. We also did get absolutely eviscerated by the student newspaper people at Penn State that told us that we're basically 40 years old. It's like these close to 40-year-olds. They said these 40-year-old men can relate to 20-year-old girls. I didn't like that. That hurts. Yeah, that hurt me deeply. That cut me deep.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You're not. I'm not. I'm not a stripper guy either. I don't get it. When I was younger, it was just like, what? And now it's just like... The idea of it was like, cool. I think we're the last generation of people that like... You think strip clubs are fading?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah. Really? That and like Montreal or something. Do you know, I remember the last time we went to Vegas, or not the last time, but like the time, one of the times we went to Vegas, I wanted to go to a strip club out there because it's owned by the Godfather from WWE. That would be the reason why you go.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Dude, how cool would it have been if we walk in and he's just fucking doing his godfather thing and he can hit us with a... I don't think they can call it the hoe train anymore, right? Why? Well, I think on purpose he was calling it the hoe train. Yeah, because he would come out with his... As he called them. Hoes. He called this. Well, we saw them as women. We did. I think he did too.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
What was it called? Cheetahs, I think. That's a strip club. That's definitely a strip club. Yeah, yeah. Look up if strip clubs are going away. Are less people going to strip clubs nowadays?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't really know. But I did get you another gift. Actually, technically, I didn't get it for you. So I was able to get in touch with a good friend of mine who is a three-time Slam Poetry of the Year winner. Oh, okay. Francisco. Yeah. And first of all, I hadn't seen him in a while. Right. He's been pretty upset since sometime in November, a specific Tuesday in November he's been upset about.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Right there. Is the American strip club dying out? Analysis of the strip club market from 2014 to 2029 from Yahoo Finance.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yahoo Finance. Yahoo Finance doing, you know, really... Finding out the answer to that.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Okay, cool. So three times slam poetry of the year, Francisco. I asked him for your 33rd birthday to write you a little poem. And he went on like a 40-minute rant about... I have a feeling I'm going to be offended by this. I don't think so, honestly. I really don't think so. So Francisco wrote you a brief poem. He wanted me to read it to you. Okay. Are you going to perform it as him?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I'm just going to read it as he intended it, as the Lord intended it. Okay. Okay? So he said that this poem is called Joey. Right. For you, for your birthday. My birthday. Okay. Born white as milk. Frank. Frank.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I'm not Francisco. Try. Just do your best impression. Do an impression of the guy, dude. I don't have... People want to hear the impression. I don't have his get up. I don't have his... Just do it. It's my birthday. Okay. Born white as milk, with hair that's dark but has since gone gray. All right. It's a couple of strands on the side.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
With a best friend whose looks are so astounding, some have even thought, is Joe gay? Did that? Oh, gray and gay.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
No. You can't say that. Little freckles. Little freckles. Little boy playing football, basketball. Oh, yay, sports. Five foot. A buck.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
that now you're, you're, you're this much closer. You're this much closer to 40.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Oh, okay. Five foot. A buck ten pounds. His shirts look like dresses. His boxers look like shorts. Hair like silk. Skin, olive oil, gold. Joe doesn't have this, but his best friend Frank has all of those. Okay, yeah. So we're using this. This is for my birthday, by the way. Joey lives life with a pencil dick. Frankie. What are you laughing at, Giggles?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, you know why, bitch. It's my birthday tomorrow.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Not good. Are you getting any of like the traditional? Cause the minute you turn 30, it's like you're a hundred. Are you getting like back pain and all that stuff? No, I actually feel really good. Your knee sucks. I mean, I hurt my knee skiing. I doesn't suck. Your knee sucks pretty bad.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
This is fucking bullshit. Joey lives life with a pencil dick. Where Frank? Garden hose. Yeah. Jalopy Joe, more like Sloppy Joe. He's a carbon copy of his mommy and poppy Joe. Making some pennies delivering pizza and working parties betting on himself. Now we're with cocky Joe. Okay. Ah, a full media empire. King YouTube, everyone settle down, kids. Son of a bitch.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
From humble beginnings to Rolex and Nike dunk fits. It's you. Little twink bitch adjacent instead of being a slut replacement. He made videos in his basement. Now he's old and gray, basically ancient, trying to mark the world. You fucking bitch. You bastard.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Welcome back to the baby. Welcome back to the Basement Yard. Frank, you're here with your Hawaiian shirt. Yes. Dead of the winter. I appreciate the dedication. I'm also here with Fred Durst, apparently. It's a backwards hat. Let's relax. Fred Durst owns backwards fitted hats. Yeah. If it's not a fitted hat, it's owned by somebody else. But it's usually red. Okay.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
As you were wearing your fucking etnies and you were listening to Good Charlotte. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You had Good Charlotte on your MP3. Good Charlotte came a little later, but yeah. Middle school. That was Good Charlotte. That was prime. Whatever. I mean, regardless. You know? But anyway. He took the earbud out of his head and you just hear like in the background like, I'm just a kidder.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yes, it does. If my younger self did it, I'm not held responsible. Wrong. You shaved an F. Yeah. Did someone enjoy the sight? Because I never saw that. Would you have enjoyed that sight? Not enjoyed, but I'm assuming you fucking shave an F into your pubes and you're like, Joe, look. I mean, maybe I showed you my pubes. I mean, I feel like I've seen your landing strip.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
that is a south park voice that might be but you were just like you had like and you had big teeth at the time i remember like you were so small you were like a little you were like a hairless big tooth little white rodent you're not very nice a hairless big tooth white little rodent i mean it's but like what were you I was a big-nosed, skinny, lanky, dumb, brown kid. I feel better now.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, there you go. You were Rufus from Kim Possible. Did you just Google that? You scumbag.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Honestly, honestly. Fired. Honestly. Yeah. Not that far off. I don't have big buck teeth. He does not. He doesn't have big buck teeth. But the rest of it probably is accurate. Yo, I recently watched Kim Possible. Holds up. Still good. Never watched an episode of that. What? Yeah. No way. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. It was on, like, before even Stevens or something. I mean, I just didn't watch it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
What? Why? I don't know. Oh, man. I also wasn't in... She was your basic average girl. She was just here to save the world. You can't stop her, because she's... Kim Possible. No, it's Kim Possible. I had a crush on her, though. I like the pants. Yeah, you're wearing them right now.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You're dressed basically like Kim Possible right now. You just need the red hair. I need gloves. Oh, you're dressed like Ron, her boy. That's who you look like. Who's Ron? Wasn't there a guy in the show who was trying to fuck her the whole time? Ron Stoppable. Ron Stoppable. You kind of look like that if you had a little bit lighter hair. Oh. Okay. You don't think so? No. Ah. Anyway. I can see it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But anyway, the reason why I brought that up is because I would go into her office all the time, and we had a good rapport, and I thought that we were cool, whatever. And I remember like two years out of middle school, I had sent an email to her. Like, hey, it's Joe. She had no idea who I was. Two years afterwards. I'm like, bro, we had like a thing. We knew each other.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, that's not a way to speak about your race principle. That's not what I meant. We didn't have a thing. There was nothing like that.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
She let me play with her dartboard. That sounds weird, too. Yeah. She had a legitimate dartboard. That I would play, that I, never mind. Yeah, you honestly just buried yourself a little bit. What was her name? Say it so everyone knows the potential criminal. Miss Del Valle. Well, there you go. Yeah, Miss Del Valle is her name. Damn, so she just forgot you.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I like to think that there are teachers that remember me. I know you like to think that. Well, people will probably remember you because your mom worked in the school.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But, like... Bro, there were, like, people loved my mom. Do you think Miss DeFilippi remembers us? I hope so.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, she can't because she's probably six feet deep in her sleep. No pajamas. You know what I'm saying? I know exactly what you mean. I just, I like to think, well, like, my mom had, like, a lot of friends. So, like, they'd know me as Nancy's son. Right. Bro, I had one teacher who was never my teacher. I never did a class with him, anything.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
He was like, I want to write you a letter of recommendation. I was like, I don't know you. Who? Oh, in high school. Yeah. I've just said every name. Montalvo. He was a nice guy, but like... Never once. Wanted to hook you up. Never once. I thought he was Googling my telephone. Yeah, he's like, go to LinkedIn.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I know, because you never. I forged all my. Hello. Wait, what? Yeah, I wrote a letter of recommendation for college, but I made it up. Who is it from? I made up a name. Oh, okay. I was like, there's no way they're going to look into this, so I just wrote something. So you just made up complete nonsense. I mean, obviously, it was not very good because you didn't get into any school.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
No, I was actually good at writing, so I was able to, like, I didn't want to go to college. It's hysterical. So I remember I told my parents, you're supposed to apply for college in, like, November, December of your senior year, right?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
uh around then yeah maybe a little earlier and i told my mom i did and she was like which schools and i just like i was like oh i like you know like i just started naming like suny schools and shit that i'd like heard of and i was like and your mom worked at a school so she's like yeah she probably had some sort of like inkling um and i remember being like i haven't done any of that and i never applied for a school and then when it came to like
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
fucking April or something. I went to my guidance counselor and she was like, are you going to apply? Because I was honest with her. I was like, I haven't applied to anything. And she's like, apply to Queensborough Community College and they'll accept you, but you need a letter of recommendation. So I just wrote one.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, you also had a plan to actually go to college. I was just like, I'm just trying to get into this school. I'm going to lie about this. If they say this is fake and I can't go, cool, I don't care.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Someone asked you for a letter of recommendation and you wrote a bad one? And I told them very clearly, like, listen, like... Because they it was when I was like a supervisor and I made it very clear, like, I don't think you would be right for this position. And they said, like, can you still like I need a letter of recommendation.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I was just like, do you do you know the word recommendation is like the big part and you didn't recommend? Well, a recommendation doesn't need to be in the affirmative. It could be in the like, I am not recommending this person. That is astounding. You told them, like, I'm going to write something negative. Bro, as a supervisor, let me, let me, let me, let me.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
As a supervisor, I had to be fucking honest, and I said to them... No, you don't! Yes, you do! Don't be fake! No! Yeah! No way, Jose. Yeah. I was very clear. It was someone that I did not have a good working relationship with. I also did not like this person as an individual. Did you tell them that it was going to be negative?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I told them very clearly, like, I don't think you're right for this position.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I was just like... That's so sad. I agree, but also like, bro, it's your reputation that you're putting online.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Not everyone is fucking Quincy DaBeatBop or whoever you, you know, wrote as your fake letter of recommendation. Like, these are real people. This was my represent... You know, like, it was representing me. Right. And why were they bad? They were just like...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You know? You put an F in your pubes and went to the doctor? I didn't realize- I honestly forgot that I had a doctor's appointment. And I did. What about remembering the pubes? I would have ran to the bathroom and maybe a little- Did what? Did what in the bathroom?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You know, I'm not a good like a not a good person or they were just like they were late to stuff and like just Didn't know how to work with people.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, like couldn't read a room like in Like they couldn't read a right No, no, but like couldn't like just didn't mesh well and people generally didn't like them because they were too intense and that was all feedback I'd given this person during the year and And I had to like... That's so fucked. Why is it fucked? It's honest. What if you found out they're homeless?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
If the reason is because of the letter of recommendation, I would feel bad. You know that writing that letter means they are not getting the job. Like you are solidifying the fact that they're not getting a job. I mean, maybe. But also, it's not entirely on letters of recommendation. Like if they went out there and they crushed the interview... That was my thinking.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm like, no one's even going to read this letter of recommendation. I mean, yes, they will. No, they won't. Yes, they will. It's a community college. No one's reading this. I mean, maybe. They see Joe Santagato, future YouTube star. Joe Jonas lookalike.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
No one's going to read that. And if they did read it, like, wait, hold on. Let me go verify that this person actually exists before I... Like, bro, it's community, like, make it easy. I mean, jobs do that. Like, they do. I'm sure they do. I just didn't think that, like, a community college would. I imagine that. It's like, you need to, like, you don't know if they're going to do it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
So, like, what if they pick you as the person to do it to? I was like, in my head, I'm like, I have good grades. Like, I'm, like, overqualified, I guess, to get into the school. I could definitely get accepted to the school because my grades are good, and I'm writing a letter of recommendation. Whatever, who cares? I just kept it very vague in general.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Hey, do you think I'm carrying around? This is- I'm talking about before you get to the doctor! 2010, Joey, you think I'm carrying around fucking micro-touches? No, this is before- I mean, honestly, you could have been, because back then you had a drawstring backpack that had, like, everything in it. It did, but that was a couple years prior. That was a weird time. You were razor-pubing.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I didn't put anything, like, specific, like, top of his class scholar. I just said, like, yeah, cool. Joe is hardworking and... Basic shit. I don't remember exactly what I wrote, but I remember being like... The irony that they probably... What if they did read it, and they were just like, wow, this kid sounds like a really good kid, and then you just don't go back? Well, that's what happened.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I know. That's what happened. Ant, did you go to college?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
School of Business. That's a big school of business, right?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Wow. You got your four-year degree? Yep. Good for you. We're right here, you know, you and I. All the dummies.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I want to make one comment about this. We've all ended up working for him. You guys happy with your degrees? I don't know the point you're trying to make. Oh, man, I wish I cared more, but we do have sponsors for today. The first one being, how you doing, SeatGeek? Okay, you guys want to go to a Broadway play? You want to go to a little sports game or something like that?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You can do so with SeatGeek. I have been using them for years. It's the only marketplace that I buy my tickets, okay? And the Basement Yard, when we went on tour last year, I saw the tickets on SeatGeek. That was kind of like a full circle moment for me. I'm like, wow, look at this. It's so nice. But right now, you can get your tickets.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
They got Kendrick Lamar is going on tour with SZA, Tyler, the creator, Shakira. That would be awesome. Dua Lipa. Everyone else, you could go to their concerts or whatever. You can do so with SeatGeek, like I said. But, yeah, go to SeatGeek. And I came through for you guys. You know that. All right, we're going to save you 10% on tickets.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
So you can use the code BASEMENT2025 for 10% off your next set of tickets at SeatGeek, okay? So that's 10% off any tickets with the promo code BASEMENT2025. So if you plan on going to any sort of show that, you know, requires a ticket and it's on SeatGeek, Save that 10%. Use the code BASEMENT2025, all right? So go download that app. And, yeah, you're welcome, folks. We also have Skims, okay?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Skims... Unbelievable underwear, folks. Skims is the best thing that I've ever put in my body. Frank loves skims. I remember when he came in and he started talking about it, he was like, this is the most comfortable thing that's ever set foot. Confirmed. Not set foot. That's not what I meant to say. That has ever bestowed my bottom. That has bestowed my bottom.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But it was very comfortable, breathable underwear. I don't think I'm going back, okay? I'm just going to wear skims for the rest of my life. Put them on. And you thought they were only for women. And honestly, when they first came out, I think they were just for women. And I was like, that looks very comfortable, and I enjoy the colors.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Unfortunately, I'm not going to put pantyhose on my body because I think that would look a little strange. But, you know, it's an insecurity thing. But then when they have a men's line now, and it's very comfortable, I've had it. So any fellas out there or any women out there that want to buy it for their fella, you guys can do so. Go to skims.com, all right? Go to skims.com slash basement.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You were razor-ing your pubes back then. Against the grain, too. You would against the grain razor your pubes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably sliced that thing up. I remember I had the Gillette Fusion razor. Did it work well? It just had a vibrating thing in it. Wait. What? You had a vibrating razor for your pubes? Yeah. You're a horny little girl. Is that weird?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And, yeah, go shop. And then after you purchase everything, after you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select our show in the drop-down menu that follows. So let them know that we sent you to Skims, all right?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Like I said, for women out there, if you want your guy to have nice underwear, or for fellows out there, you want a nice pair of underwear, which I know as guys, it takes a long time for us to throw underwear away. It's hanging on by a thread, and you're like, no, these are my lucky pair. It's time to upgrade, okay? Go to Skims. Get yourself a pair of nice underwear there.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Skims.com slash basement. Click on the – select podcast in the survey and select our show. Let them know that we sent you, all right?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
There's going to be us and you, and it's going to be a warm, cozy hangout sesh, okay? Join Patreon and join that first tier, and you get these weekly episodes one week in advance, and then that second tier, you get exclusive episodes every week. every single Friday. So you could start your week and end your week with The Basement Yard. That makes me so happy. Thank you so much.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You know, we are so appreciative and grateful you guys have seen by now, I hope. We are in a new studio and a huge reason we're getting the opportunity to do this is not only love and support we get from everyone across the board, but our friends over on Patreon. So patreon.com slash The Basement Yard. Thank you guys so much. We love you. And guess what?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Again, if you didn't see, we're going over to Europe. We have some shows in Scotland, London, and Dublin. And if you're coming to any of those shows, make sure you go to TheBasementYard.com slash submit. Let us know what show you're coming to and submit responses to the questions we have there.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
A big part of these shows that we did last year, and we want to do it again this year, is they're interactive. We talk to you. You talk to us. Crazy stories.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Maybe not. But if you go and you submit it, maybe we'll pick your card. Maybe we'll talk to you about you. We can also, if you ask to be kept anonymous, put that in there. Whatever. But go to TheBasementYard.com slash submit. Let us know what show you're coming to. Submit your response. And you never know. Maybe we'll talk at the shows. All right? Back to Joe. That was my transition noise.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I figured. That was it. Did you like that? Someone's calling me. Oh, who is it? Don't know the number, not picking it up.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
We were like Hall of Fame prank callers back in the day.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I'm sure you didn't use that language. Oh, no. Yeah. No. And do you remember? I remember you. Do you remember? I know that. I don't I don't know that specific story about that. But I do remember you cyber prank calling one of our friends, meaning you created a screen name and we're like flirting with one of our friends.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I remember the screen name was SkeetOnMyFaceXX. X? Three X's. It was SkeetOnMyFace. That I know for sure. And you were like, oh, hey, how you doing? You're so hot. And they were like, whoa, what? Really? And the screen name was literally Skeet on my face. I remember the Skeeting. Like, in the screen name. Let's make that very clear. We did, yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Pranking guys and having fun. Right. I remember one time I prank called one of our friends and I was just like... Um, like, can I, like, come and, like...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You get horny for your pubes? No, I mean, I. Someone plays with your pubes, you're horny? Someone plays with my pubes. Like, plays with your, like, fat. What do you think, I'm getting them braided? What do you mean? Fat. What are you saying? What are you talking about? Well, like, what do you mean horny? I'm not like, you think I'm holding my razor to my penis? Why does it need to vibrate?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
So fun to be a kid and mess around with your friends. Have a little bit of good times. You know? Yeah. I do know exactly what you mean. But I was a good prank caller. Maybe we should do episodes of prank calling people. I'm not going to prank call anyone. Why not? I mean, because I'm, you know. An adult. That's part of it. That's part of it. That's a big part of it, I would say.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
When's the last time you prank called someone? A very long time. Man. Well, that was the time. Remember there was a show, Crank Yankers? Yeah. And then, you don't remember that? It was like puppets that were like. Yeah, prank calling.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And then there was the infamous prank call that you kicked my dog. That's like almost 23 or 24 years old. That is a white guy doing a seemingly Indian man's accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit. And, you know.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But a classic. It's not. It was. It definitely was. That was the funniest thing in the world at one point. No, the funniest thing in the world was the Arnold Schwarzenegger's Pizza Shop. Yeah, but not many people know that. I'm shocked. If you want something crazy like pineapple, I'll kill you. I recently brought that up to someone, and they were just like, Arnold's Pizza Shop.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I was just like, sit down. Frank, you lived on whatever fucking website that was. Don't even pretend you don't remember funnyjunk.com. Funnyjunk. Okay? There were some problematic ones on there, too. Of course.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Right. We know which one we're referencing. Are we referencing the one where someone works in a drive-thru and they clearly have some sort of issue?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Do you remember the Numa Numa video? Why was that so- What is that guy doing? This guy, he's just doing this. He did a- I mean, I gotta say, incredible karaoke skills. A lip syncing you mean?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, you're right. I mean, he crushed that lip syncing. Yeah, he did a great job. Where is the Numa Numa guy? Can you look that up for me?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Numa Numa guy. Man. Man. The Numa Numa guy. Oh, he's on stage singing. He's in a band. Good for him. His name's Gary. Is he? Go to Wikipedia. That's always a trusted source. Where is he from? Norway or something? No, that looks like that is. What do we think here? He's in movies? No. What movie? Oh, it's like a student film or something. Where's he from? Newgrounds. It was on Newgrounds.com.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
The fuck is Newgrounds? You never remember Newgrounds? You remember Newgrounds, right?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. Just go to where he is now. I don't care about all this stuff. I'll just type in his name. No, just scroll to the bottom of that. It wouldn't tell you? We'll figure it out. Yeah. I'll look. You look that up. But the Numa Numa guy, if he went viral now, you'd probably become an internet celebrity and make a bunch of money. That's your career.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And then start a coin and then take everyone's money and then disappear and people are thinking, where are you? I'll let everyone who's watching this know right now. If we create a... I'm giving you the heads up. If we create a meme coin... I will rug pull it. So if we create a meme coin, don't give us the money. At least you're being honest. That's what I'm saying. I am going to rug pull it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It was like what the Gillettes did at the time. It was the Gillette Fusion. And I thought it was like, well, this must be... Because I see commercials for it. This must be a really good razor. And it was just a razor that just vibrated. Did you shave your balls? Yeah. You know, I never shaved my balls in my life. So your balls, you just have like a Gandalf beard on your nuts? No, no, no.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. And you will lose money, so do not give it. This is what is going to happen. If we, like, the coin will be called, like, BSMT. Okay. It'll be called basement coin. Right. Don't buy it. Don't. If we release it, things have gotten real tough here. But I'm pulling it. I'm rug pulling. And let us crash and burn.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
If it gets to a point where we release that coin, let us like, you know, like, oh man, like things are not going well.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Let it go right where it deserves to be. But I'm letting you know right now. The rug. Yeah. How much do we know? We're obviously... I think millions. We're referencing Hayley Hoctua Welch. And we're not accusing her of orchestrating anything. But the evidence doesn't look great. Yeah, I think that there's an amount. How much did they make off of that coin? Millions, I assume.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Bro, she... Like, I'm not even kidding. If it comes out like she does get, like, in trouble criminally, the movie about the July to January part of her life is going to be insane, dude. Movie is crazy. Maybe on Netflix? Netflix, Doc? Maybe. But, like... It's kind of crazy, though. Oh, you gotta do this. How much did they...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, but I don't know what that is. What? Yeah, but that doesn't mean that it's worth 500 million. A market cap, dude? I don't know what that means, though, to be honest. I don't know how much she, like, walked away with. I also don't even know what a rug pull is. I'm sorry. Maybe we do do this. I mean, let's be very clear. It is a crime. We're, we... Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm admitting to a crime that I may or may not commit in the future. I'm just letting you know that... No, that's literally how people get in trouble. Don't do that. Say you're not going to do it. Well, I'm not going to create a meme coin. Okay. Just want to make sure that the lawyers watch this. I'll just go make pizzas before I did that. Oh. But I'm just letting everyone know, be smart.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But if you see me making a meme coin... It's not going to the moon. It's getting a third of the way there, and then I'm... And I'm leaving. I mean, 500 million, that's to the moon. I don't think that means it's worth 500 million. Bro, if it was, I'm pushing you to create a coin tomorrow. Yeah. Well, Frank... If I'm rug pulling, I'm pulling the wool as well. The rug's getting pulled. The wool?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
The wool over your eyes. You think I'm giving you $1? I'm rug pulling innocent people. So you're not getting $500 million. I'm getting $500 million, and I'm running away. Is the rug made of wool? I don't get it. No, a rug pull is what that's called. But why is there wool over your eyes? Pulling the wool over your eyes. You've never heard that expression? No. Okay.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, welcome to adulthood and planet Earth, because that's an expression everyone's been using for years. Pulling the wool over someone's eyes? How many sheep? How many sheep are you talking to that you can just regular, like, that doesn't make sense. What does that mean? Frank, you know that exists. Pull the wool over your eyes. It's a phrase. It means to fool you. Oh, okay, okay.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
No, no, no, no, no. It does sound familiar. To trick or deceive. Okay. I'm sorry. I was confused because you were talking rugs. I'm thinking you have rugs of wool. No. Can you do that? You can make rugs of anything. Human skin, wool. Human skin? Yeah. No. You don't think so? No. But anyway, we do have some more sponsors. Really? Yeah, dude. We have some more. We have him.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Is it only... No, he's had some black ones in there. He's known for the red, right? Now he's just white. I mean, he's been white.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I mean, it like... No. That's not what happened. So then what happened? I don't know. Like, I mean, back in the day, I never shaved them with, like, a razor.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
So all the fellas out there, if you're losing your hair, it doesn't mean you can't find it again. Okay? Also, you can do some preventative stuff. If you've seen some, like, issues where you're like, all right, I'm getting a little bit of a receding sort of thing, then you want to be proactive about that. You can do so with hymns, okay?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Men value different things about their appearance, but if you're a guy who really cares about your hair and you see that slowly going away, you might be feeling discouraged when you look in the mirror. Hems is going to help you out with that, okay?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It makes treating hair loss simple with doctor-trusted options and clinically proven ingredients to help regrow your hair in as little as three to six months, okay? You can choose from personalized chewable, oral, spray, or serum treatments to find what works best for you. The process is simple and 100% online.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
There's no insurance needed, and one low price covers everything from treatments to ongoing care. So you can start your free online visit today at HIMSS.com slash basement. That's H-I-M-S dot com slash basement for your personalized hair loss treatment options. Results vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Prescription products require an online consultation with health care providers. who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Okay, so all the fellows out there, maybe hop on that. And lastly here, we have HelloFresh. HelloFresh, it is a meal delivery service.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You get farm fresh pea portion ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. So it skips your trip to the grocery store. You save all that time going up and down the aisles, getting all the ingredients and stuff. You just go on the website. You look at awesome recipes for things, and then they will send you the ingredients for those things right to your door.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, I did. Well, I know, like, certain... How'd you do it? You, like, pulled it taut, and then you... Yeah, of course, baby. Hold it tight. Go, you know, go around. I have a very delicate sack. I was going to say, like, I can, like, navigate the area well. Also, by the way, just remember, not Patreon. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're pulling your sack taut and you're shaving it. Well, sure.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Again, pre-portioned, so it's not like they're going to send you a gallon of pepper that you have to hold in your pantry or something. It's all pre-portioned. You use all the ingredients, so nothing goes to waste. and you have lovely meals, okay?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
So if you want to get into cooking, or you're like, oh, I'm stuck in this rut where I'm making the same five things all the time, get some HelloFresh in your life, okay? They have a bunch of different things to choose from. Fit and wholesome, quick and easy, vegetarian, whatever it is, HelloFresh has got you covered. So you can get 10 free meals at HelloFresh.com slash FreeBasement.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Okay, apply to cross seven boxes. New subscribers only. It varies by plan. That's 10 free HelloFresh meals just by going to HelloFresh.com slash FreeBasement. All right, so enjoy that, folks. And, you know, I think we'd be remiss if we didn't talk about the pilot. You know, we had talked right before we started recording. There was a pilot that, like... Got engaged or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Proposed. Yeah, during the flight, the pilot came out into the main cabin and proposed to his girlfriend. Why was she on the flight that he was flying?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I wish. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, now that I'm thinking about it, that's kind of like the wedding singer. Like a wedding singer. Remember he's playing the guitar on a plane? I don't remember that part. Did Drew Barrymore? I don't remember that part or care for it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
No, yeah, so I think it's it's funny because like I think the story came out and she said yes, but- Imagine she said no. Bro, imagine being on that flight. Wait, did he propose over the PA? No, he like walked out to her. Planes can like fly themselves like now. There's like autopilot and shit like that. And there's two pilots. Now, bro? Of course. For years. You're acting like it's 1901.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm saying 90s, brother. No way. 2000s. They've been doing that forever. Really? Yeah. Autopilot.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
How hard is that? You lock the steering wheel and you just go. Yeah, but like, it's way smarter now. No. It's probably older, if anything. 19... No, bro. That's... Come on now, you dumb idiot. That says 1912. Now you almost... Bro, if we've had that since 1912- Bro, what kind of question did you type in? What does it say? Just type in, when were planes able to automatically fly?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
When was planes automatically flies? When was autopilot invented? Same answer! It was invented in 1912 by the Sperry- The people that made my boots?! Sperry Corporation? Designed to reduce the pilot's workload? This doesn't make sense. You said the 90s. I mean, it is the... 1912? That, what? Why? Also, I made the joke of being like, this ain't 1901. Well, 10 years later, they had it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
An apology, maybe? No, fuck you. For what, you? You did type that like an idiot, to be fair. Also, I just fired you back there for pulling up a picture of a naked mole rat.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
That is right. Technically, you are... You're off the clock. You're off the clock. Wait, no, no, this can't be right. Like, all right, look up, like, now planes can fly by themselves. When did that happen? What? No, no, like, there's a difference. Autopilot, like, it might, like, lock the thing, but, like, now, like, basically they click a button and it follows a path.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I mean, I haven't done that in a long time. Let's be very, very clear. Yeah, I mean, now we're just buzz boy trim boys. There are certain parts of your body where the hair is like... Chemically or like engineered basically that it will only grow to a certain length That's why you've never like shaved your legs, right, right?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Like, when did, when did, uh... Autopilot? You're describing autopilot, I think. That might be what you're doing here. And there's no other way to ask this question. We're going to get the same page. All right. Type this. When did planes become as smart as they are?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yo, Frank is AI's worst nightmare. Aircrafts of the 21st century. There we go.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Frank, the answer is 1912. That's astounding to me. That doesn't make sense. Think about it. Amelia Earhart. That was so long ago. When was that? I don't know. When was Amelia Earhart? I don't know. The 30s? Oh, it was. It was like 29 or something like that? That was the Great Depression. Yeah. So people were upset, but she was flying planes, and that made her happy, which is nice.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You should find a hobby in the dark times. Oh, I have some bad news for the people that...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, no, she had some good flights. She did. But then she had some one really not good ones. Unfortunately, if you have one really bad flight, there's no more good ones.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It's totally fine. But anyway, asking, like getting, like, hello, proposing to your wife on a plane. Well, you're not proposing to your wife. You're proposing to your girlfriend or partner. Okay. You know. Technical Frank, here he is. Technical Frank. Not just technical. Not just technical. It's a correction. Technical, Frank. One of the worst places to get engaged.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm going to get up and fucking leave. What is the worst way to propose to your girlfriend? I mean, that's pretty bad because what if the person being proposed to says, no, this pilot needs to go fly this plane? I'm creating a clip, Frank. What is the worst way to get engaged? What's the worst way to propose to your girlfriend? Ah, ooh. It's gotta be Flash Mob. That's a bad one.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
That's so bad, dude. Can we group together? I just hate collections of people dancing. I hate that too. Well, unless they're on a stage. But don't be on the floor. If you're on level ground that I am like, I can stand face to face with you and you're dancing, get the fuck out of here. Or you're on hardwood. Like, if you're like a Nick City dancer or something like that, that's fine. But like,
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yo, you're in Grand Central Station and you're all dancing? Bro, if I walk... I got recruited to be in a flash mob once and I respectfully declined. How do you get recruited? Was it like a cult? Someone reached out to me and says, I want to do a flash mob. Do you want to be in it? We're going to make it go viral. Did it go viral? No, Joey. Absolutely.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Of course not, because that was the thing that people said just to get people excited in 2010. You know what? It was just like, we're going to make something, and it has all the key components to go viral. So would you have to show up to practice? Because I'm assuming everyone has to learn the dance. You know, I said no, so I didn't go that far.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But I remember it was in the cafeteria, the food hall on campus. Oh my God, they wanted to do a flash mob in campus? And bro, they had a big stairwell coming down so everyone could see them. It was bad. So that everyone can clearly see the people that they don't want to have sex with. Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Flash mob is pretty bad. Can you imagine? It's like, will you marry me? Me, me, me, me.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'll tell you this. If the song Marry You by Bruno Mars is involved at all. Pretty bad. Just say no. Yeah. And if you're getting proposed to. Disney proposals are pretty bad. That would be bad. Oh, here's Mickey Mouse. Just kidding. He's got the ring. Like, what are we doing? I want you to make me the happiest boy ever. Yeah. You're just trying to show off. Anytime! Anytime I can get it in there!
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
That's why it doesn't get like wildly long It stays the length that it is and when new hair comes in it gets that length and it's like we're good right pubes I think pubes pubes facial hair and head hair are the ones that'll just just just Just and if you're old and white than your ear hair because I've seen some crazy Are you scared about that when you become an old dumb white man?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Anytime I can get it in there! No, yeah, like, just make it, like, absolutely, like, you know, like, here comes Goofy! What's in Goofy's hand? Where did you propose? There was a little beach by where we lived. But not public. Like, there wasn't people around, right? No, no, no. It was just myself, Becca, and Miles. Cool. Did you tell Miles? No, because he would have immediately, like... Told her?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. Oh, so you proposed to both of them? Of course, yeah. Because that's what my life was going to become, you know? Was he shocked? Did he say yes? No. Does he say yes? I didn't ask him. He was very excited. Okay, cool. You know? But it was... It was... I was like... I had the ring. I had asked her father.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I looked outside and it was the craziest sunset I've ever seen in my... To this day, the craziest sunset I've ever seen in my entire life. Like, neon pink and purple and orange.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I was just like... Oh, fuck. There's no better time. So I was like, why don't we go walk down to the little beach to see the sunset? Oh, you slick devil. I was a slick little bitch. How long did you hold on to the ring? A couple weeks, maybe a couple days, but it wasn't very long. A couple weeks and a couple days are astronomically different.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
All right, maybe a couple weeks, but it wasn't very, very long. Okay. Because I know once I have a gift, I want to give it to that person.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Was there any rules leading up to that where she was like, yo, don't do it at a restaurant or anything like that? Not that I remember. I don't know that I would. Like a restaurant? I think the public aspect of it puts a lot of pressure on people. I'll tell you this. If anyone's clapping, I am not comfortable. If I hear, oh, my God.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You know, like... Yeah, like, if you're, like, in Central Park and then getting down on the knee and then everyone stops and they're, like, clapping and they're just waiting, I'd be like, oh, too much. Dude, sports games? Sports games.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I was going to say. White as snow. His hair? His facial hair. You're Fred Durst-ed out right now. That's actually not a bad thing. You did it all for the nookie. We've discussed this already. We've discussed it in grave detail. I think that's what you should go as this year for Halloween. Fred Durst.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And it cuts to them and everyone's like, oh. And it's like, there's a guy in a corner and he's got a popcorn and a hot dog and he's like, oh. Yeah, it's like, oh shit. Oh shit. And like, everyone's just like, look, look, look. And like, That is... Too much. That seems... But honestly, like, it's individual. Like, some people want the pomp and circumstance. Like, they want it to be big and insane.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
No. It's so... Have you ever thought about any ways of proposing? I mean, I would... No, I've only thought about things that I would not do. Okay. So you're not going to Disney. I think we can confidently rule out a flash mob. We can confidently rule out... I saw a video recently of a guy filming a proposal, but he was like...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
not like part of it he was just like seeing it happen because it was like on the beach and there was like a whole thing and just like rug and the woman's there and she's just sitting there or standing there and the guy has it's him and two background dancers and they're doing a choreographed dance and i'm like i've never been more certain that a marriage is not gonna last i'll be honest with you
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I mean, I'm gonna just clean out my ears. I'm gonna get the shavers. What do you want me to do? Let it grow out of my fucking ears like a potato? I don't know if I've seen someone live and in person with hair jetting out of their ears. You've never seen an old white man in brown pants and suspenders with just ear hair? And it's like, bro, how could you even possibly hear with that?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Out of place choreography terrifies me. It makes my skin crawl. If there's not stage lights on you. Like, why are you dancing so intensely in a park? You shouldn't be doing this too much. And like, over intense choreography, I just see it and I wince a little bit. Yeah, and it's like, you can tell that this dude, like, took classes for this. Like, oh, my God.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Oh, he was in on the choreography with the dancers? Yeah. That's bad. It's like, will you marry me?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. Oh, no. Just say no before he starts. You know why? I think, like, the current internet age has, like, ruined choreography for me. Oh, like TikTok? TikToks. Even that kind of came and went, though. I think people are over the choreographed dance on TikTok. I think maybe it's just our algorithm. I have a feeling it's probably still very popular amongst a certain age range of people.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It could be. Bro, people got famous off of that. What's the girl that had the McDonald's? Not the McDonald's. Oh, Charli D'Amelio. Yes, the Dunkin' Donuts drink. She's the most followed person on the app, I think. There you go. She got famous doing those dances, right? Well, yeah. She's on Broadway, I think.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, I saw her at the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Not at there. I wasn't there. I saw it on TV. But, like... Yo, what a psychotic thing to go to. A Thanksgiving Day Parade? If you propose to someone at a parade... Oh, my God. Like, if there's a parade float... If there's a big inflatable Elmo making its way down and you're like, quick, I need to ask for your hand in marriage, you fucked up.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I do wish that I lived in Manhattan on the path so that I could just see a giant... If you lived in Manhattan on that path, it goes a very specific route. It's very expensive to live there, no? I thought it was just... I don't know where it goes, to be honest with you.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Fuck knows. But, like, I mean, I don't know. People live there. I mean, that's crazy. If I, bro, if I... Imagine a big balloon past your window. That's awesome. That'd be scary. It would be like Godzilla. And is that not scary? Let me answer for you. It is scary. You know how some people have a fear of gigantic things? I feel like I have the opposite. You have a fear of little babies? No, no, no.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I mean, I like a giant thing, but I'm not... I don't mean like... Because there's some people that are like, oh, I want a big, giant woman to step on my head. That's not what I mean. I wasn't even going that route. I was going with big, giant dongs. Oh, no. That's not what I mean either. I don't like big, giant dongs. So you like little dongs? I don't like any dongs, dude.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I like my own dong, and that's where I draw the line at dong. The only dong you've ever liked. Yeah. No other dongs in the world that you're just like, this isn't the worst dong. Ding dong ditch, I like that. That is. Yo, I saw a tortoise dong recently. Have you seen this thing? A tortoise's penis? Yes, dude. They're like 800 years old.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Dude, this thing looks like an alien. Look up tortoise cock.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. And search for videos. Don't search for videos. Yeah, no, no, no. That's where I saw it, and it was crazy. What website were you on? I don't remember where it was, but I saw it. Tortoise. He's typing in... Well, here's the thing. First of all... We just found out that ant can't spell. And you guys went to the same high school.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, this is not going to be able to be shown if we're going to put... Yeah, no, no, no. This is just for us. This is... Look at videos? Is that what you want? Is that his leg? No, well... Oh, my God. Is that his... That looks like a hoof. Dude, look up the video, dude. You really? Okay. Look up the video. What's happening in the video? It's just, it's doing its dong. What does that mean?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It's being a dong, dude. It's scary. Don't, I don't want to watch it. Oh! Get that off the screen. That's gross. Josh, don't put this in. Don't put this in. First of all, that title said WTF exclamation point wanking tortoise. What are you looking at? See that video. Just to make it very clear, that's not the video that I saw. Oh, you saw a different one of a tortoise's wiener. Different, yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
That is way bigger than I thought it was going to be, by the way. Yeah, yeah. But... What other ways are bad to propose? Disney is bad because you're both wearing Disney ears and they're trying to do it with the fucking castle in the background. Yeah. And listen, if you've gotten proposed in any of these ways and it's special to you, that's on you. We're just speaking for everyone else. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
What's the grossest hair? What's the grossest hair? I think nose is worse. If you see nose hair coming out like it's fucking stalactite, that's miserable. Stalactite is crazy. I don't mind that because I feel like I don't see really bad nose hair. You'd have to cut that because it would make you sneezy. Well, no. I think it's there and it's not making you sneezy.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm happy for you, but I... But I hate you. I would say no to you is what I mean. So that... You ever see the video? I mean, this is very, like, progressive, I guess. But they were in Disney, and it was a... I... Don't, don't. Just say it. A person. Two people. Yeah. Uh... You know, but they were proposing to each other. Good for them. I was like, what are the chances of that happening?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, any proposal, you imagine there's been, I shouldn't say any, the ones that are going to probably say yes, there's been conversation about like, what kind of ring do you want? What kind of, do you want a ring? What do you think about this? Like, bro, the people that just like say like, you know what? I'm just going to propose. Yeah. With no conversation. One, good on you. Two, you're an idiot.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Dude, people who get a no- I would literally, if I'm on a knee and the woman that I'm asking to marry me says no, I'm just going to stay there until I win her over. Is the relationship over? The relationship is definitely over. One. Two, I may not get up. I'm just probably going to sit. Just going to lie down right there?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm just going to sit, crisscross applesauce, and just wait for the wind to take me. Smart, honestly. Clean that up.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Don't worry. I'm on top of it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not getting up. I'm just going to be like, okay, I'm going to stay down here. You can go. You're free to go. Would you even ask why? Like, would you want, you wouldn't want any, because honestly, if I had proposed to Becca and she said no, I'd be like, why? That would be the first thing out of my mouth. Like, huh? I would honestly.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Or, yeah, definitely maybe a, what? You just did the most, like, anime, like, huh? Huh? Like, excuse? I would immediately think that I'm an idiot. Because I'd be like, I should have known this. You'd go into, like, full Dobby mode, like, Dobby's a bad elf! And, like, hit your head on the fucking floor. No! You know what I've been doing recently from Harry Potter? Just in my apartment.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It's been real fun in your apartment lately, huh? It has, dude. I have a lot of fun. First of all, don't talk to me. The person who talks to himself more than anyone I've ever met. First of all, yes. Second of all, you know what I've been doing? You just make noise. You know what I've been doing? You know what I've been doing? Tell me. I love these. Yeah, this is a good one.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Oh, you do that to your children, don't you? I do. I do this to Miles all the time.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Voldemort's back! Yo, did you ever hear Ariana Grande's impression of fucking Emma... Watson. Watson. Where she's like, Ron's been splinched!
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You know, she does a really good impression. I feel like we're going a little crazy. Okay. I think I'm more of, like, a... Like, it's an impression.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I wasn't like, oh, my God, that sounds like Emma. Like, you know? I thought it was pretty good. Yeah, good for her. But, yeah, proposing at theme parks, flash mobs, bad sports. Very bad. Any, like, choreographed dance... That's just bad. I don't like that at all. Because then how do you dance your way out of a no? You know?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You must know by the look in your girlfriend's eyes as you're dancing and being like, oh, fuck. She's not into that. I've made a grave mistake. You know? Like, you're, like, dancing, and she's just, like, horrified, and you're like... What do you mean we're not ready? She's like, I feel like she's not into this the way that I thought she was going to be.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I think we could work on it if that's something you want to do. If you're not ready, say that. But it feels like a hard no. Are you... Is this the end of us? Yeah. You would have to know. I've seen in movies people just being like proposing and they're like, what? Why? When? We should have talked about this. Bro, that's crazy. I think that if you propose and you get a no, you're an idiot.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It's when something gets in there that makes you sneezy. I hate back of the neck hair. Really? Yeah. Like when people are wearing t-shirts and it's like, dude, it's coming out the back of your neck. Really? Yeah. I hate that. Oh, I don't really care. I don't know how else to say that. Like hair, hair doesn't really bother me, but like nose would suck. That's hair.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You have to know that. I mean, no, there are people that are so stupid that they just don't get it. You know? I just feel like you have to have some sort of inkling, like, this isn't the time. If you have proposed to someone and they said, no, I'm not calling you stupid, but there are people that are stupid. I am not saying stupid.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm saying more either you're purposefully being oblivious or you're purposefully ignoring signs. Well, that is what a lot of people, like, a lot of people find it easier to just live in the delusion and world of the relationship in their own head than the reality of what it is. That's what you do, but not with your relationship, but with everything else, probably. What the fuck is that?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
What does that mean? Do you remember when we had that conversation where you're like, if I'm driving and my engine's making a lot of noise, but no light turns on, I'm just kidding. That's right. That's right, because it's a car. That's kind of the same thing. It is. There's no issue until you find out there's an issue. Hey, man. That's what I'm saying.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Dancing through life, skimming the surface, gliding where turf is smooth. Life's more painless for the brainless. You know what I'm saying? Why think too hard when it's so soothing? Dancing through life, no need to tough it. When you can slough it off, I do. Nothing matters and knowing nothing matters. It's just life. So keep dancing through. I'm going to have to hold up a Shazam.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
What's that from? High School Musical or some shit? That's from Wicked, bitch. Got it. That's not good. People are not going to like that. I didn't know that. We've looked up the worst ways to get engaged. Can you zoom in on this a little bit? Because I can't see. Are these other ones?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Oh, what about getting fired for the second time in one episode? How about that? Zoom in. What about people that do the proposal in the champagne glass or in a cupcake or a cookie or something like that? If I have to dig. First of all, if I'm buying a ring for thousands of dollars, I'm not putting it in champagne. It's not going in someone's mouth.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm not running the risk of someone eating it accidentally. Like, oh, it's in your steak. How funny would that be? If they ate it, I'm sure that's happened. I mean, of course, I'm sure it's happened. Bro, the person's like a dog. You have to put the pill in the steak and then give it to their dog. Or you put it in the champagne. It's like, now I have to fish this out. Of crap. Oh, of champagne.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I thought you meant like if they swallow it. No. Bro, could you imagine you buy an engagement ring? Also, what is the amount you should spend on an engagement ring? Is it still three months salary? Or three months pay? I don't know. Just get a lab, bro. Alright, you're obviously doing well for yourself, Mr. Durst. Roland just came out, you know?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You just released your new album, Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water. Right. Things are going well for you. Okay. What if in three months you make $100,000? No, I'm not. If I'm spending $100,000 on a ring, it's not going near anyone's mouth. Right. But I also like, I mean, I think you have to weigh the options.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I know, I'm saying, like, nose would be the one that I'd be like, alright, this kind of sucks a lot. So if someone walked up on you with a hairy ass nose, you'd be like, bro.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Like if you're going to get like an egregious ring, you're making your wife a target. Oh, okay. We were talking about eating cupcakes. This one says, my best friend swears he proposed by pretending to find a ring while eating out his girlfriend and asking her whose ring it was. He has never wavered from this story.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
If, first of all, you can ask the person that he allegedly did this to, did this actually happen? That's so fire because for him to just be like, oh. What the hell is this? What is that? How do you... It's like, look behind your ear. And also, ripping you out of the moment. The magic is gone.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Not only that, but I'm such a hypochondriac that I could be convinced that something came out of me, and then I'd be like, I'm going to the doctor. A fucking ring was in me. If someone ate you out and they found a ring, right? Yeah, if someone was eating my butt and was like... I would think that someone put a ring in my food, and I ate it. And you shit it out? Yeah. In their face? Yeah. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'd be scared, dude. At the wedding you threw them? At the surprise wedding. Oh, that's another one. When people propose at someone else's wedding. That is so insane. Yeah, I would be a little... I'd be... I mean, listen. If someone came to me and said, like, I'm thinking about doing this, and I thought on it, I was like, all right, go for it, that's different.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But if they didn't tell anyone and they just did it? First of all, I'd be like, I'm going to hit you. Don't get engaged at my wedding. I know. I would say no, but like... Maybe it's like a real thoughtful moment where, you know. I mean, wait 24 hours, do it at the brunch. How about that? I'm just saying, some people do allow it to happen. I know.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But if they just don't even say anything and they're like, I'm just going to do this. That's insane. That's crazy. What else do we got? Show her the ring, then put both hands behind your back. Say, pick a hand now. Oops, wrong hand, no proposal this time. If someone ever does that.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, I just want to know. You got the Fred Durst thing going on? I do, I guess. I mean, it's not a bad thing, just live it up, you know? You also, I could have swore you went to a Camp Rock trivia because Nick Jonas and you... You've re-sparked the conversation of looking like twinsies. Because we have the same jacket. And you guys have the same face. So I've heard. Can you sing like him?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I mean, if it's just you two and, like, you talked about it, that's sweet. Like, then it's magical for your moment, but, like... Yeah. Yeah, then you're putting the person in the position of, like, if they say no, they might end up overboard. I think that everyone... My actual opinion is that everyone should get engaged in a way that is special as a couple.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Don't do anything that's like, well, I like this, so we're gonna do it here. Like, find something that works for you. And if that's fucking Disney and you're both holding churros and that's what it is, fine. Yeah. Not for me. Honestly, a proposal, like, the moment it's going to happen should be a surprise, but, like, the way it's happening should be discussed. In some way. In my opinion.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You know, like, at least... Get an inkling. Get an idea. Listen, every couple... I don't say this. I'm not gonna say every couple.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
The way the Beck and I did it when we were approaching like that's the next logical step is getting proposed You know getting engaged getting married having a family There's a lot of conversation that goes into it like at least on our end like we were open So we were just like rings, and we talked all that out Then the like then the little minute details you could figure out but like the larger stuff like bro if I was could you imagine if
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Becca doesn't, like, the idea of her getting on a stage would maybe scare her a little bit. Could you imagine if I proposed to her on stage at, like, Radio City? Like, the pressure you're putting on that person is crazy.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, I mean, at that point, if I'm... See, that's why I think that's a bad idea, because I would never want to put someone in a position where they feel like they can't say no if they needed to say no. Yeah, exactly. Because, like, oh, so many people are watching. Like, I'd rather just, like... Yeah. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
She said yes, thank God. And also, I think he told us in communication, we've discussed weddings and marriage as it's going to happen. She just doesn't know when. Got it. Dude, can you imagine? First of all, selfishly, if she did say no, the show would have been probably a lot better. Selfish. This is real. When we were planning it, we said, like... We, like, stopped for a second.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
We were like, oh, my God, what if she says no? And then me, you, and Greg at the same time went, that would be hysterical. That would be awesome. That would be awesome. Yeah, it would be not good for the dude, and I would feel really bad for him, but... That would be crazy. It'd be funny because we'd be like, we still had the graphic ready to go. Congrats. You know, like, she said yes. Right.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
She didn't. And then, like, the champagne was coming out. Yeah, we're like, oh, we got champagne. Man, that's tough. Good times. I would feel really bad. Really good times. This just says at a funeral, bro. You're not getting engaged at a funeral. That's insane. Dead body in the room and you're going to be like, hey, you want to do this? Till death do us part?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I could see something romantic about it. About getting engaged at a funeral. Yeah. Like if it's like, you know, me ma went down and it's just like. When one door closes. When one door closes, another one opens. I can't. I cry at everyone's funeral. Really? Everyone? Yeah. Like people I don't even know. Do you cry at mine? Bananas question. That's crazy.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Because he's very like, you know, like. He's got a falsetto on him that I don't think that I have.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, I don't like, will it be a point where like, are you going to do the old man route? Like we had a lot of good memories and I have nothing to cry about because we have a lot. Well, I don't sound like that. Well, you might. Hopefully, we're going to live very long. Right. Your accent doesn't change.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, right? Yeah, I don't know. What's an old man voice?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, you know? Sure. Are we doing the show at that age?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Can you imagine we're 70 doing this show? I take off my oxygen mask. Hey, Joe.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It doesn't age. It will be sitting over there. I'd be like, I got fired nine times this month. I would never be able to... I've been at our friend's grandparents who I've never met wakes, and I've been crying. Yeah, I get choked up. Choked up is a better... I'm not sobbing, but I'm definitely like... I have to breathe more.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Fighting a cry in your face... You fight your face when you don't want to cry. There's a weird part of me that likes the back of the throat cries coming. I do that when I can feel it. It's back there. I also like collecting tears in my eyes so that when I blink, it just goes. Oh, you like to engineer your cries. Only when I'm watching movies. Oh, just like let it go, let it go, let it go, bang.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
High, high pitch. Is that alto? No. Baritone is. And then falsetto is like. Yeah, exactly.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And then like at the right time. Yeah, like I'll stop myself from blanking because I know if I blank, it'll probably get like a tear, but like a whack tear. Like I'm trying to get a big fuck. Listen, I love crying. I'm more afraid of being accused of crying when I'm not because it's like, no, this doesn't deserve a cry right now.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Like we were watching something, Beck and I were recently watching something and like I like wiped my eye because I was tired and yawning. And it wasn't a cry tear. You think I'm not a... I'm very comfortable to say if it was a cry tear. Clearly not. You just said you hate when people say, I'm not crying. This doesn't deserve a cry. Well, yeah. When it's not a cry, I'll say it's not a cry.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Why does that offend you so much? Toxic masculinity. No, that's not... Bitch, my masculinity is so sweet and supple. It's not toxic at all. Drink it and it'll be good for you. Ew.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, that was kind of disgusting. It just sounds like sweat. I haven't cried in a while.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Trees? Tires. Tires? Like toxic masculinity? I didn't say toxic. Oh. Masculinity. What does it taste like? Wood? I would say, yeah, it tastes like the way that wood chips smell. Like sawdust?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Do not look that up. Please look that up. But I don't know that you can eat wood. I think you could take a little, like a spoonful of sawdust and be okay. Probably could, but it would be very dusty. It would be like doing the cinnamon challenge, but with wood. I mean... And also, I don't want to shit wood. Why not? What if it's really good for you? Eating wood? Yeah, what if it's really good?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
There's no question it's not. Why not? Because we've run tests. We're humans. Are you sure? I'm positive that... Tell me about those tests, then. Frank, you don't think I've read all the clinical trials of eating wood? I do not think you have read all the clinical trials about eating wood. Yeah, I don't think there's any, but... I mean, honestly, just look up can you eat wood.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Have you ever put dirt in your mouth? Yeah. Is it bad? Yeah. It doesn't taste good? It tastes like dirt. It tastes like just like sediment and sand. I've put rocks in my mouth when I was younger. Yeah. Rocks taste good. I can't lie. Well, I don't know about good. No, you should not eat wood because it's difficult for humans to digest. Okay, so maybe we shouldn't eat wood.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
He needed Google to tell him that. He couldn't believe me. rocks though rocks I love how rocks don't eat rocks don't eat them but they look delicious but when you're younger and you put a rock in like a little lip like a zin like a rock you're packing lips of fucking pebbles Yeah, I used to roll up roly-poly-olies that have a rock in my face. The late 90s, man. What a good time to be alive.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Sniffing markers, licking markers. And glue. When I was younger. You were just doing drugs for kids.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You were doing kid drugs. Markers and glue. I remember being young and being in the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror and holding out my tongue and taking an orange washable marker and drawing on my tongue. And? Nothing. No. I mean, it had like a whack taste. You recently put paint on your mouth. Did you get any with that? I put it on my lips. Did you? I didn't like that.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It wasn't a good feeling. It wasn't a good feeling, but I did it. And you regretted it? You live and you learn. Yeah. The important thing is that we're learning, and that's it. That's it? That's it. Live and learn.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. Wow. Okay. There we go. Everyone like that joke? Let's wait for the laughter to die down. Yeah. I saw that because someone tweeted me. They were like, you're never going to beat the allegations because we're both wearing the same Knicks jacket. Yeah. I mean...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, we're going to leave you with that, folks. Frank, where can they find you? Everywhere.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
All over the place? Yeah, all social media. You guys go follow me at JoeSanagato. Go follow the show on TikTok and Instagram at TheBasementYard. And if you're coming to any upcoming shows, the ones in Vancouver or the ones in the UK and Ireland, those are different things, which I've been told in my DMs a little sometimes by angry Irish people. You guys can go to TheBasementYard.com slash submit.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
If you want to be a part of the show, submit your stuff, and we like to get a bunch of responses so you can pick the best ones and have a good time. Yeah, yeah, I'm excited. So, yeah, hit them with your sign-off. All right, all right, all right. Hey, it's warm down here. Come back sometime. Bad? I thought you were signing off. Yeah, that's it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
So we're staying in the basement, and they're going upstairs. Yeah, yeah. We'll be here in the basement. Come on down when you want to talk again. No? All right. See you guys next time. We'll be playing in the basement. What did you say? We'll be playing in the basement. It'll be just us and you. We're 33, so that's crazy to say.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
The Jonas Brothers are Jersey trash? That's awesome. Well, why do you have to do that, Joey? That's how you're speaking about my children, too. They also... And my wife! I'm pissed for everyone! And you, let's not forget. Well, technically I'm not Jersey trash. I mean, you're grandfathered in, I think. Oh, I've only been there a couple years, and now you're grandfathering me into the trash?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm just going to wear a backwards hat. Backwards hat. Just start, you know, telling people, break yourself. I can get a little, what's that called? A soul patch?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
some fuckery and chicanery, but I want to make it very clear. I was very upset about it. And you know me, I like to keep an even keel when I'm talking to like people in like customer service. I don't like being, I have, I feel too bad because I know they have a hard job, but like I was, I was letting them have it. Why did your license get suspended?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Something to do with insurance where like I had before the pandemic started back five years ago, I had switched, like started the process of switching my insurance over, but then the DMVs and everything just shut down. Thank you. Like New York, New Jersey, like you couldn't get in touch with anyone. Uh-huh. So they just suspended my license without telling me. That's fire. Was it? No. It wasn't.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I was really fucking pissed off. Well, you got pulled over and they were like, your license is suspended. No, I don't. Get the fuck out. I don't know. You know, I like how because I'm a brown man that that's the first place that you would go. Brown is crazy.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Tan. Well, it's the winter, so you're more just like. I'm darker than you. How hard is that? I'm fucking. You're Fred Durst. Yeah. No, it was, uh, I don't remember how I found out. I think I called them, because I got a letter in the mail or something like that. And it was like, yo, you're suspended. I don't remember, but I remember I was. You've been suspended from school? Almost.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
No, no, no. It's like a, not a goatee. It's like a landing strip, but on your face. Landing strip? Remember when the landing strip was popular with vaginas? Yeah, I did it one year. You don't have a vagina. I know, I don't. Wait, you had a landing strip? Yeah. For your pussy? I don't, let's make something very clear. I know, your man, your... My boy, my... Boy pussy, your pussy.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Wait, you said you told someone they smelled? No, so. Give us the abridged. The abridged. Here's the abridged.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I was in our, like, tech class, and what we had to do was we had to, like, use – like, we were learning coding and, like, building websites and shit like that. And we were in a group, and you can look at people's stuff from other groups and comment on it, like feedback and shit like that. Okay. And I – Recipe for disaster.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. I will say this. At the time, I didn't have a good reputation. Yeah, this is the pinnacle of Prank Frank. Yeah, Prank Frank was out in full force. And I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and I left my computer open. Because it was one of those things where they'd wheel in the laptops and you'd... Yeah, yeah. And I left it open.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I went to the bathroom, but my defense was it was when you had to sign out. Remember our teachers made us do that? They were just like, you have to sign your name when you're leaving and when you're coming back. Like, they fucking police us. Prison shit.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It made sense, though, because people were pissing all over the toilet paper in the bathrooms. Um... Yo, I have thrown toilet paper soaking wet out the ceiling. We used to do that together in elementary school. That's a fun thing to do. Oh, wet paper is so sick.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
When you're younger and you're walking into the boys' bathroom and you're like, yo, let's just have fun, and you crumple up a bunch of paper, you soak it, and you throw it against the ceiling. Nothing better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it just starts dripping. That's how we had fun. It was fun. In boys' bathrooms as kids. I never shit on the ground or pissed all over the soap.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, no, no, no peeing in soap. I knew people that did that. That's why I was very upset about it. I never pissed in the sink. I spit in the sink. I spit in the sink. I didn't piss in the sink. I didn't piss in the soap. You ever shit in a urinal? I've never crapped in a urinal.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
People have to piss in that. Well, people have to clean it. I'm not worried about peeing on something. Oh, you just piss the crap away. Yeah, I mean, eventually, yeah. That's what you would do.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You'd be a hero. You piss the crap away. Right, yeah. But I went to the bathroom, and while I was gone, someone on my computer wrote to somebody else, you smell.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And it's what, I don't know what this says about me. Who was the girl? Did she stink? She must have stunk if she's like... I don't remember her smelling. You smell. I don't remember if she smelled. I mean, clearly she's self-conscious about that. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't... I'm not trying to victim... I mean, I guess I am. That's exactly what you're doing. I'm victim-blaming here.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But, like, that seems pretty light. Yeah. And that was my argument during the hearing. Your argument wasn't, it wasn't me?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
The other one was... If I'm going to insult someone, you said that? She's like, yo, I can do much better than you smell. I swear to God. I said I was just like, yeah, if I insulted someone, it would be a little bit more elaborate than you smell. Elaborate. It would. What grade was this? Seventh? Eighth grade.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Okay, yeah. And my dad came in. It was a whole big ordeal. I've told this story probably on the show. Wow. Yeah, it was something. But you smell, you know? But they let you stay. Bro, eighth grade is too late in life. Wait, were you ever like... Did you get in-house suspension?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Dad, I got in-house suspended a few times, which is just they sit you in a room and they put like... these, like, walls, so you can't, like, look at everyone, and then you have to do, like, work the entire day, and they let you go to the bathroom twice a day. Sounds like solitary confinement. Basically.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
That's a different, that's your asshole. Yeah, when I was like 18, I would shave a landing strip. I don't know why. I know that you've done other stuff, so what else have you done? I did an F. You shaved an F into your pubes? Yeah. Long time ago. Long, long, long, long. That doesn't help.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
They only let you go to the bathroom twice a day? Yo, I never fucking got that. I never fucking understood that. Teachers hate when you go to the bathroom. I mean, granted, that's where shit goes down, let's be honest. Like, literally and figuratively. But...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But, like, teachers would be like, you have one trip to the bathroom per day, and it's like, bro, what if I'm just, you want me to piss and crap everywhere? I wonder what it's like in schools now, because you remember it's like, oh, I gotta go to the bathroom, and they're like, here, take this, and it's like a full chair attached to a key. And I'm like, why does it have to be a giant lock?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Or even worse, and I hope they still don't do this, even worse, they would be like, alright, pick someone to go with you. What is that? And then we'd get up and we'd go, hmm. And obviously every time we picked each other. Right. And if you did pick somebody else, I was pissed about it. I know, I was going to hear about that for a year.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. But like... Like we were in a school dude. I totally handled this by myself the bathrooms down the hall It's not like fucking across the street. Yeah, I don't know your sense It made no sense like take someone with you in case you fall in like why am I taking a spotter? I'm taking a shit. Yeah, I don't want I don't know schools were crazy never dumped in school
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
We really should get one of our old teachers on this show and see if we can ask them, like, why did you do this? I don't think that any of our teachers will remember specific things about us. I hope they do. I would like to think they did. It was fucking 25 years ago. Yeah. I mean, you know, they tend to remember memorable students.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Do you know that when I was in middle school, In seventh and eighth grade, I was cool with our vice principal. Yeah, I was cool with the staff, too. I would get sent to her office all the time, and she was very nice to me. And I thought that we had a good rapport. And I wasn't emotionally stable back then. So I would just get very angry very quickly. Oh, like you had a temper? Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I wouldn't define you as ever having had a temper. I did then, and I don't even know why. It's hysterical because you were also the smallest little puniest little baby boy at the time. So like, who were you scaring, bitch? I wasn't trying to scare anyone.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
One more time. One more time. Do me... This is me in seventh grade. All right, what are you mad about? Give me the scene. Someone's accusing me of something, but I didn't do it. Accusing you of what? I need to know exactly what. Stealing someone's backpack. Stealing someone's backpack? Or smaller? Something that you might... Pencil. Okay, all right. Go ahead.