Joe Santagato
Appearances
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
No, because of the spray-up thing. I, like, reach over.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
Close the toilet seat. Down, dude. In my own home, I'll do that. Are you, like, a germaphobe? I'm starting to figure it out. I think I am.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
Go ahead. Go, go. Oh, so I throw a bunch of toilet paper in, and then I take a poop so the water doesn't splash back up at me.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
It's out when I flush. Are you just trying to say it's not out when I flush?
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
Show me a piss my show. Wait, have you seen the video? I didn't see the video, but I know the question.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
I was going to say a thousand years, maybe. Shut up. What is the maybe? You made it seem like, oh, I know this question.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
1,200 years? That's quick math. I don't know.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
I think the real problem is that the difference between a billion and a trillion is just so big.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
So this is what I'm saying. So this is one... Here's the thing. This is the person down here. Oh, fuck. That's what that is? I was literally going to be like a trillion dollars. I thought it would be more than that. No, like this is the human. Got it. And this is the trillion. And this is the... That's what I'm... Like, that's why it takes a long time to piss in the Grand Canyon.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
Yeah, I didn't... That can't be true. I didn't think this was right.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
Because you guys were talking about cooking meth, I would say.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
I don't think I've ever smelled coffee piss.
The Basement Yard
#495 - We're Gonna Fill The Grand Canyon
There's a good amount of times where I don't flush at a bar. Are you fucking insane? You too? Fired. No, no, no. You don't do it at bars? I didn't say that. What's the thought process? I saw a video of like, they flush a toilet. I know you do. They flush a toilet. I did not say me too. And it all like sprays up at you.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Little twink bitch I'm gonna start yeah, I figured little twink bitch adjacent instead of being a slut replacement He made videos in his basement now He's old and gray basically ancient trying to make his mark across the world like a scratch on pavement That last part no one has given me any snaps. Thank you so much.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
We've seen nook if you buck from afar, Joe. We've seen the only one that can fuck in a car, Joe. We've seen Marathon Joe, Billionaire Joe, and even Boxing Joe, too. But now we're here for your least favorite Joe. That's birthday Joe. Happy birthday to you. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. Francisco, he wanted to make sure you got that in time for your birthday.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Oh, you got, that's right. I was confused. You heard it sucking. What the fuck are you laughing at?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
What was your favorite line? None of it. Can I say that? Maybe you just said happy birthday. What about, I think this one was really, really good. Hair like silk, skin olive oil gold. Joe doesn't have this. But his best friend Frank has all of those. Joe lives life with a pencil dick where Frank garden hose. Right, yeah, no. Yeah, no. That was nice.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, I think it was very... It was thoughtful. It was, for sure. You know, I thought it was really kind. I do appreciate it. It's nice. It was a nice little gift. Jalopy Joe, more like Sloppy Joe. He's a carbon copy of his mom and poppy Joe. Why did you... Yeah, you started dropping bars there. You like that, right? Why did you start calling me Jalopy Joe back in the day? I don't think I did.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I think it was a friend of ours at the time, Chelsea. I think she just started calling you Jalopy Joe. And a jalopy is like a fucked up car or something. Is it? Isn't it? What's a jalopy? I thought that was a lemon. Yeah. A lemon? A lemon could be a fucked up anything. Like someone sells you a lemon. Wait, what? You never heard that saying? Like a lemon is a jalopy?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
This is horseshit. It's good. It's all fun. Well, are we doing anything for your birthday, by the way? Are we just hanging out? I mean, we're going to Vancouver. Vancouver. That's right. We're going to be out there for the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. By the time this comes out, some people might have already been to the show. But I'm excited. I've never been.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Now you're getting into a jalopy theater. Yeah, an old car or in dilapidated condition. Is that what that says?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Dilapidated. You're dilapidated, Joe. Right. What does that mean? You don't know dilapidated? Like fucked up. Yeah. No, but like when someone says like, oh, you sold them a lemon, like something that looks like it works, but it doesn't work. I don't know why they do that with lemons.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yes. Right. Lemon Party. LemonParty.org. Right. Which was old men blowing each other. Were they blowing each other? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah. Don't start typing. Did I ever tell you about the time? Oh, my God. I don't know. I think I might have told you this.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I had a family member post on social media, like, hey, I'm trying to put together some different websites and places to donate to charities and stuff like that. Frankie, do not tell me that you did what I think you're about to say. And I responded like, yeah, I got you. I know of one that it helps struggling farmers across the US or something like that. Frankie.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
No, they didn't. They posted it. They posted like, thank you to these people. Check out these websites. And it was like, thank you. And it was a slide, a whole slide. It was just like lemonparty.org. Was there like a photo or it was just the website? It was just the website name. Oh my God. But then afterward, the person contacted me. They were like, you're the biggest piece of shit.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
If you don't know, by the way, lemonparty.org. Pull it up. Is it still available? Don't pull it up. Eh, pull it up. Pull it up! Uh, but don't, don't put it in the episode. Don't put it in the episode. Josh, cut this out. Josh! Josh, don't put the Lemon Party in the episode. Lemonparty.org, if you go to the website, it's just a picture of old guys blowing each other. Oh yeah, it's still available.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It's still, it's still there. And... Uh-oh. And... Oh! Whoa!
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It is my birthday tomorrow. Oh, well, not as of recording. Not your birthday tomorrow. No, no, no, but it is my birthday tomorrow. But it is your birthday when this comes out.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Don't go to it. There was a line on there that said something like, any of you guys drink Pedialytes or something like that? Don't go back. Don't go back.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Is that like pee? I imagine they were just trying to get something that would just throw people off the scent. Got me. Could you imagine? Sex has a smell. We agree with that, right? Yeah. What does it smell like? I don't know, it's just like a smell. I can't equate it to a food or anything, but it has just like a raw, just like. I think that if it was possible,
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So wait, so this is also, we're treating this as like your little birthday trip? Yeah. We don't have to do that. I might go to Miami. This kid hates... Well, how about you tell people so they can celebrate with you? You just want to pick up and go to Miami? My birthday's on a Tuesday. It's fucking like... I mean, you know, people like to celebrate with you, do things with you. I understand that.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, if you took, if you, I'm with you here. If you took two sweaty thighs, just the meat, and just smashed them together. Or like rubbed them. Or rubbed them together. That's what I imagine it smells like.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Oh. Do you like it? Yeah. You like a musty? I like it wild. I don't know why you're calling it musty.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Well, no. Musty means something different. I think it means like it's like there's like mildewy wetness to it. Oh, that's not what I meant. Look up musty. We need to stop utilizing the... Musty definition. Having a state moldy or damp. Yeah, yeah, damp. I guess technically it is musty, but like I don't. It gets damp. It gets a little damp in there. It does get a little damp. You know, but.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Get a little damp. Josh, you having fun editing this episode? Yeah, no. We're getting a text from him, and he's like, yo, you guys are out of your fucking mind.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It hits you like a fucking ton of bricks. That's when I'm kind of like, all right, we gotta open them. This is... Really? Yeah. Hell no, I live in that shit, baby. That's nasty. No, it ain't. Yeah. I mean, it's a room. I'm not in a fucking box. I'm saying this... I'm not saying the room is nasty.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean... It's ventilation. People live in places that are, you know, apparently... You walk in and out. I live in a well-ventilated home. I don't know about you, bitch.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
There's always a thing just sucking the air out of the room? I wish I lived in a cigar bar. Do you? You'd probably be dead by now, Frank. I would be dead. Cigar bars are a dangerous place. Dude, we went to one in the city, and it was so cool. They had good drinks, good cigars. But even I had to step out because I was like, holy shit. That was too, too, too, too, too much.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I almost joined, yeah, I don't know. Please say, go. I almost joined like a cigar, like as a member of a cigar club.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
First of all, this was way before we started doing this show or anything. This happened... 2014, 2015. I was young. There was a cigar lounge by my college that had just opened up and I went in to buy cigars and I was like, yo, this is sick. There was fucking pool tables. They had like a fucking bar, but like it was like BYOB and shit like that. They had all the mixers and stuff.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And I asked the guy, I was like, what is it to join? And it was like $50 a month. You get a locker. You can come in whenever you want. You can bring whatever you want to drink. You get like 20% off of the cigars. And you live it up. What's wrong with that? I wanted to be a part of a group of men, a friend group of, like, hang out with boys and friends, you know? In suits and just hang out.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
No, no, no. I was going to go and, you know, normal. Just like... Have you ever smoked one of those really long ones? Churchill's. Yeah. Hell yeah, baby.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
They're like, who smoked Popeye? Yeah. There were some that were like, They were like way too big. You know, just like an absolute just overkill. And... Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You know, people want to spend time with you. I understand. You know, now that you're basically 40 years old... Frankie. Also, you're like, how many months behind me? Four. Six. Five. Five months behind. Four. Five. Yeah, I'm only five months behind you. So, it's not that crazy. I'm not 40, bro. Isn't it weird to think of that, though? Like, when you were a five-month-old baby, I was just born.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Anything more than that is not a good smoke. It's dangerous, really. It's useless, honestly. Who wants that? Egregious. And it was legit like as thick as like... Who's smoking those? A fucking adult cucumber. Yeah. And...
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah. No, no, no. I've had long ones, like long skinny ones, crazy that we're talking about. Yeah, yeah. Josh, get him on the horn. Have him on standby. Make sure that you put the word cigar in full text. Text across the top. Add some context. But, yeah, you know. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Any other ways. Watch this. Rather than, go ahead, say something. I really love sandwiches. And, man, good sandwich, it's hard to beat. We have some sponsors. If you are selling sandwiches, you're going to need a website, and that's why you should look into Squarespace.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And you know what? While you're cooking with Caraway, why don't you let us cook over at Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard. We tell you guys about it every single week. And by we, I mean me. And by me, I mean hi, how you doing? Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard is another way to continue to support us. As you guys have seen by now, obviously, we're in a new studio, new digs.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, I was in this world, and you weren't in the world, dude. I know. It's fucked up.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And that's because of not only our general support from all the people that love and support us, but also from the people over on Patreon. So Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. You sign up today, you get these weekly episodes one week in advance. and you sign up for that second tier, you get exclusive episodes every single Friday.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So you can start and end your week with us while you're cooking, while you're dancing, while you're cleaning, while you're driving. Doesn't matter what you're doing. Actually, it does. We don't want to hear about it. Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. Thank you, folks, for all the love and all support. Go check it out. And as you guys have seen, we're going over to Europe.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
for some shows, and if you're coming over to those shows, go to thebasementyard.com slash submit in order to fill out the questionnaire that we have there. We ask you guys some prompts, some questions, and you respond with some stories, fun, cool, crazy, scary, whatever, and then maybe we talk to you or about them while we're at our shows.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So for the shows that we have in Glasgow, Scotland, in London, and in Dublin, go check out thebasemanyard.com slash submit. Submit your responses. Maybe we'll talk to you about you. You never know, but go check it out. Thanks, folks. Joey, back to you.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't know. This is such a crazy episode. It is. We started the episode with a full mariachi band and then Francisco three times slam poetry of the year winner. It's star studded. It's a star studded episode. Star studded. Wait till you see who we got next. Hit it, man. I don't know. We've got nothing. We've got nothing else. What the fuck was that? I don't know what he wanted me to do.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
No, yeah, that's it. By the way, I just found out. Oh, yeah. I just found out that at the end of Santa Gata Studios videos. Oh, the hymn? Bro, I had no idea that existed.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Apparently it's been going on a while. Quite some time.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, he's like, they did this. Sometimes I think you put in one where you were like, I tried this food or something like that. There was something we did.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It's a supervisor who doesn't know what was going on under his own nose, dude. Congratulations. You won that one, Ant.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So that was, like, five in a row that we were listening to the end. No, it's way long. It's been months. Like, I honestly, I feel like it was, like, maybe the summer, right?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, I didn't know those happened. Like, a super long time. So I'm now, like, now I'm going to watch all the way through just to hear Ant.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Honestly, you hit that shit. I do. Do you dance when you record it? A little bit. A little bit, right?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Look at this guy. There you go. See, he is... He's getting it. He's getting it. He's like, oh, give something for people to look forward to every single week. What did Ant say this week? Oh, yeah, maybe you should start putting in crazy things. Whatever he's about to say will get you fired. No, it won't. No, it won't. Start saying crazy things. I can give you some stuff to say if you want.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
We'll talk offline. I don't know if you saw, Joey, a couple weeks ago we spoke about the jerk-off ban that was happening. Did we talk about that? We might not have.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I've been telling you because it's a crazy story. So, Ohio lawmakers. This is Ohio? I didn't know that. It's right here. It's next door, baby. It's states away. State away. It's like 10. No, it's not. It's right, Joey, Ohio. Ohio's not one state away. Yes, there's one state in between us and Ohio. Penn? Yeah, that's it. Is that truth? Yes, it is truth. Pull up map of truth. Wait.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I think that like... No, no, no. Yes, dude. There's two states in between us. There it is. You just said two now. No, I'm sorry. There's one state in between us. Is that true? Yes. Damn. Go to Google Maps. Why are you looking up a picture of it? Literally just type... Don't go to Google Maps.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I can see it. There's the Maps thing right there. I can see it, yeah. It's literally right there. I drove to Ohio once, but we had to go through West Virginia, so I didn't know where that was. Why did you have to go all the way down? Because roads don't just go like that. Sometimes you gotta go like that. Yeah, but there's... Why would it... That doesn't even make sense. I don't know, bro.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't know. You might have got lost and someone just tried to blame it. Hold on. Because now looking at this map, you see how it kind of looks like veins or whatever?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, I know what you're talking about. They mapped their train system.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It wasn't bacteria. It was like mushrooms, like fungus and shit like that. And that's how they mapped the way that their train system worked.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I was looking for the video so we could see it. Yeah, no. It's pretty... I don't know if it was... Oh, yeah, it was Tokyo. That's a three-minute video. Do the 39-second one right there. I got you. It's like... Was it Tokyo? All right, hold on. Let's watch this. I mean, it's just growing out in a circle.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
When it comes out to the pubbies. I'll be 33 years old. Goddamn. It's divisible by 11, which means- You'll be three 11-year-olds. Is that weird? Yeah, that's very strange to say, but I guess that's why. No, three 11-year-olds are all 11, dude. But, like, if you stack them on top of each other, like Muppet style. Not how age works. You can't just add if they're standing on top of each other.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Mad smart. That is unbelievable. Bro, Becca watched, like, a fucking documentary on mushrooms one day, and it was like, they are, like, connected through the soil across the whole planet. That makes me believe—I mean, not that I don't believe, but, like, doing mushrooms would probably have, like, this, like— Bro, there are people that, like, swear by psychedelics and shit like that.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, they microdose every day. I can't do that. I would not—not that I've ever done them, so I don't know what the effect is, but, like, I imagine it's not fun. Why? I mean, if you do, like, an insane amount. But what does microdosing do? It gets you high. Stuff. No, it's not necessarily, like, a high. Like, you don't get, like, high. But you get, like, something. It's, like, it does something.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You get high. Yeah. You get high. Just say it, brother. No. Yeah. You don't even know! I know, I don't. No, like, it's crazy. That's why, like, honestly, Last of Us kind of does scare me a little bit, because, like... If the mushrooms, if, like, bacteria decided to turn on us... Well, that shit is real. That strain of fungus is real. Cordyceps. And that's actually what it does.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It just doesn't do it to humans. It does it to ants. What does it do? It takes over their brain and then makes them act, like, super aggressively. Why do you look up goo? No, I was just going to Google. Don't stop me.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yo, look, there's, like, spiders and animals that, like, cordyceps will take over their fucking brain and turn them into zombies and shit. Bro. I can't, I can't. This is real shit, dude. I know, I know. That's why I'm talking about it. There's no way I'm dying in a zombie apocalypse, though. I would need guns. Yeah, duh. What do you mean you would need guns?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Like, you just broke the fucking... No, like, I... You would need guns? How would you survive with those? Bro, imagine being in here and we just have ammo. Yeah, but we would need food. And the way that Greg eats, we'll run out of food in an hour. Yeah, that's true. This fucking little snack boy. Yeah, no. But he'd probably be good at finding the crumbs around here.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
He does eat like a little rodent. Yeah, he does. He eats like a little rodent. He'll find them. I'm going to say this. I picked up his book because it's over there. Do you see his lips?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
what are you talking about he's got do you see the picture of him yeah he's got an old picture yeah it looks like he just got done you know i'm on that book like in it no like i'm on the cover oh like the picture of you yeah it's like you know no no no like you know it's like oh so and so said yeah yeah so this is the best book i've ever read he's got i'm just gonna say this that picture look at his lips what's wrong with them
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Looks like he got done doing something very fresh. Why? Are they, like, thick and small? They're a little, like, I've never seen Greg's lips like that. Outside of that time that you and him shared that room in Pittsburgh or something? Oh, dude, that's so fucking good and funny.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
stupid loser yeah but so ohio introduced it was literally it's a ban on yeah contraception begins at erection act which what does that even hey man we're not gonna get into the whole debate along because it could be the law in ohio which would make it illegal for men to have sex without intent to make a baby so that includes fucking this is the christians have gone too far with
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
That includes jerking off. This is insane. State Representative Anita Samani and Tristan Rader announced their plans in a Blue Sky video explaining the legislation's purpose. It was initially introduced in Mississippi by Senator Bradford Blackmun and is now going to the legislative floor.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
The bill will make it illegal to discharge semen or genetic material without the intent to fertilize an embryo.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Here are the penalties. Okay, go. For the first offense, $1,000. To beat it? Yeah, but a person of the court has to catch you. Oh, the bill is expected to make clear exceptions for contraceptives, masturbation, and LGBTQIA people. There you go, you dumbass. But still, that means sex. So that means that sex without intent of fertilizing an embryo, the first offense is $1,000.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Second offense, $5,000. Any subsequent offense, $10,000.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
God damn. Holy shit. TikTok. Clip that. Clip that and put this emoji. The sweating one. That's the emoji that they use for you.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It said contraceptives. So if I'm wearing a condom, it's okay? I guess so. It says masturbation, so I guess they allow it. You're safe. Don't worry, jerk-off king. And then it says people of the LGBTQIA plus community are safe as well.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
This is an attack on straights. Make it harder to be straight in this country.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So, like, that's what I imagine it would mean is that, like, if you got forced this. I mean, if someone reports you. Bro, I'm telling you right now, if we ever do a show... Okay, where are you going with this? No, can you imagine just, like... Bro, could you imagine... Like, that's crazy, right? Like, that is some legit, like, Handmaid's Tale shit. Like, they're controlling where semen is going.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Some of us will be safe. What was that? What was that? What were you going to say? How do you get caught? That's what I'm saying. Imagine someone reports you. Who? Your neighbors, like, peeking? Like, I saw them having raw stuff. Maybe. Or, like, in conversation, you know, just be like, yeah, I had sex. I didn't use a condom or something.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So? Yeah, I got you a little birthday gift. This is my birthday gift? This is a birthday gift. You set this up? Okay. I mean, I figured that, you know, you don't like celebrating your birthday. Those of you guys don't know Joe. He hates celebrating his birthday. So we had to do something. You know, me, Greg, Ant, we got together. We wanted to do a little something.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I'm sure they're going to set up... Dude, if people are, like, together, I'm assuming they're not using condoms. I mean... I don't know.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I can't be a straight white male with a ton of money and an opinion anymore, huh? This sucks, dude. We can't say anything nowadays. Oh, man. It is crazy. I do think if... Oh, wait. No, never mind. I mean, I imagine the law will write in how to enforce it and shit like that. Bro, could you imagine being a cop? She'd be like, holding up a blacklight, what's that? What is that? That's weird.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I think that's an invasion of pride. Yeah, duh. Like, that's crazy. Absolutely. It's also super weird that, like, we're in this weird place in the world, or not the world, the U.S., where it's just like, make more babies.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
We're not going to care for them once they're actually out, and we're not going to help them survive their whole fucking life, but make them and put them into the world so we can take advantage of them and take their taxes. Let's get that universal healthcare going before we start making some crazy bills like this. I mean, or... Just kill this bill.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I thought you were going to go kill whoever made the bill. No, no, no, no. I don't want to. Just kill the legislation. I don't want to say that. This is. Yeah, obviously. I mean, do you think. What the fuck?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, well, the world is starting to realize how stupid you are. Oh, here we go.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, I wouldn't say smartest. I would definitely say. I wouldn't either. I don't think anyone would. I wouldn't sit here and profess to being someone of incredibly higher intellect.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You think that you said cordyceps before, you smart guy? Cordyceps, dude. You know cordyceps.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, I have mushroom stuff every morning. I have a mushroom drink every morning. I do. I don't want to say the name of the company because I don't want to give them a free plug. Because you're a money-hungry bitch. Is that why? Because I'm a cheap bastard. Because I'm a cheap fuck. Yeah, it's like Cordyceps, Reishi. Reishi? Reishi. You're asking me? Chaga. Lion's Mane. What's that, a mushroom?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, you ever seen it? It looks like a ball with hair on it. Makes sense why they would call it that. Yeah, dude, it's pretty good, actually.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Wait, are you talking when it's, like, in the wisher?
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Why would I do that? I was just curious. I was a kid. I'm curious. That makes sense, honestly. I've eaten, like, dandelion greens and stuff like that, and it's very bitter.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I want to make dandelion wine one day. Actually, I've heard it's pretty good. Dandelion? That's so weird, because the liquor store in my neighborhood is called Dandelion Wine. Yeah, that's a real thing. I know someone that, growing up, they had a big farm, and they would pick the dandelions and make dandelion wine. It sounds like it would be disgusting. I don't know. I've never had it.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Have you had it? No, I don't know. Greg had it, been there, seen it, made it. One time, Ant got me a wine as a gift.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It was a cranberry wine? I hate cranberries. I was excited. Yeah, you like different types of wine. Yeah, and I was like, oh, cool. I hate cranberries. I hate cranberry juice. Not for me.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Really? And I had to text him. I'd be like, yo, I appreciate the gift. This sucks. I was like, I'll just let you know. I wanted to try, like, we've had orange wine. Yeah. We had that at your place. I want to try blueberry wine. Blueberry wine? Yeah. You can make wine out of any fruit, basically. Yeah. But you stick with the grapes. Yeah. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Mead. He makes mead out of Mountain Dew. Yeah. Yeah. I would try it. I would take a sip, but I have a feeling I would hate it. Why? It's just the sugar breaks down and turns into alcohol. It must be insanely alcoholic if it's fucking Mountain Dew. Yeah, that's probably a lot of sugar. Mountain Dew. You a Mountain Dew guy? Absolutely not. Oh, I used to like, I haven't tried Baja Blast.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And you know me, I'm a big Taco Bell fan. I've never been blasted by the Baja. By the Baja men? Yeah. Who's that comedian that does the whole bit on the Baja men? What's the bit? You know what I'm talking about, right? The Baja men who let the dogs out? He did a bit where he's just like, how many Baja men can you name? They've won like 30 Grammys or something like that. No way.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't know about 30, but they've won a good amount of Grammys. One would be more than I thought they would have won. No, they've won. Look up how many Grammys have the Baja men won.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Why do I think that they had multiple? Isn't that song about ugly people? It's about, like, ugly women. That's fucked up. You know? It was like, the party was nice. The party was jumping. Hey, yippee-yi-yo. And everyone was having a blast. I love how you're like, it's something like you know the lyrics. Yeah, what happened to the Baja Men? They're probably still just raking it in. Probably.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
What, 1999 that song came out or something like that? Was it?
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, every song was at it. Mambo No. 5 was at our fifth grade graduation. That also came out in, like, 1998.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
yeah lubega is probably still raking it in who lubega oh the guy mambo number five you know boom boom boom boom boom boom boom that song fucking still hits 50 year old white people love that song all right you're gonna be there one day you'll be an old white yeah you're kind of getting pretty close right rank these old white songs okay okay blindly How many you got? I'm going to give you five.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I'm going to give you the five songs and then you tell me which ones are like your least favorite to favorite. Okay. Mambo number five. Who let the dogs out? Wait, we're going in order. We're going blind. Dumbass. Let them put them in a ranking. Well, then you know the first two, then. I'll put who let the dogs out at four. Okay. And I'll put Mambo No. 5 at three. See, that's a smart tactic.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You've done enough of these blind ranking things that you know to attack the middle first. The Macarena. How does the song go? I'm not going to do it. You got a nice try. Because I don't want to offend anyone by trying to sing the Macarena. What language is that? I believe some of it's in Spanish. Then you should be good. I mean, not that good. You know that I can sing the words to the Macarena.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
All right. I'll put it at two. So I have one and five now. Oh, okay. So you're... You got to go big or go home.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
September by Earth, Wind, and Fire. One. That's a great song.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So, so, so good. And then the last one was going to be the Pledge of Allegiance. So crazy, Joe. Wow. Star Spangled Banner. He put last, dude. I know Pledge of Allegiance and Star Spangled Banner last. They were fucking one and the same in his book. He put it last. He put it last. America, get him.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah. That is a really good one. I love when that song comes on at weddings. There's an even better Earth Wind and Fire song called Boogie Wonderland that when that song comes on, I am not severance. Frank is gone. New guy. It's Frank A. Frank A shows up and dances to Boogie Wonderland. Love that. You know what song I hate? The electric slide. You can feel it. It's electric.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I like it. I like it. Did you see my aunt? Oh. Yeah. Oh, white people love that. And your aunt's white, I believe. Yeah. But yeah. What other, or like, all those like wedding songs. Oh, Cotton Eye Joe, dude. We talked about it a couple of weeks, like months ago or a year ago on a previous episode. And we thought, there's got to be something about it that's racist.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And someone looked it up and was like, yeah. Really? I think it has like a... No, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from? Cotton Eye Joe. Yeah, I don't know what that means. But, yeah, it feels like there's an undertone. There's something there. It does feel like that. There's something there.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
What other ones? Cupid Shuffle. That's a great one. Cupid Shuffle.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
To the left. To the left. To the left. We're missing the cha-cha. We're going to get funky.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I used to love it when I was in fifth and sixth grade. Yo, fifth grade was the perfect time to be into the fucking... Reverse, reverse! Or when everyone... We've also spoken about this.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Charlie Brown. Everyone's just like, what do we do here? Yeah, it was like, I don't know what the Charlie Brown is. Yeah, no, no, no. Like, that's too vague. You're telling us to step to the left and to the right and jump. What are other, like, super popular wedding songs? Like, I'm sure... Like the ones that have... I know we did an episode on this. Yeah, yeah, we did. We just completely forgot.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, no jerking off, no coming until it's for babies.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Hold the fuck on. YMCA, banger. I mean, it's kind of been taken now. I don't love the YMCA. From us normal people and given to. I don't love the YMCA. I love it at Yankee Games. The Time Warp. That I hate. Love the Time Warp. You would love that. I have danced so hard to the Time Warp. I hate the Time Warp.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
The wobble can kill itself. What's the wobble? Oh, my God. Wobble, baby. Wobble, baby. Wobble. Dude, that song can fucking pop out its arsenic tooth and chomp down hard. The Hokey Pokey. If I ever go to a Hokey Pokey and I hear that song, I'm rescinding whatever gift I've given to that couple.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I better be at a kindergarten class. party or some shit. Yo, when I was in college, emphasis on the, when I was in college, the wobble was like the thing that people did. So like at like all like the fraternity and sorority parties, someone would put it on as a joke and there were like the, the cool kids would be like, Oh, I can't dance, but I, and I was just like, you guys all suck. Hated it.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Hated the wobble. They didn't include me. Crank that. That's fire. Soulja Boy. Soulja Boy. Damn. All right. Soulja Boy. Tell them. Gangnam Style. The Twist. I've never been to a wedding that has The Twist. Oh, I've been to one with The Twist. It hits. And do the twist. I love the twist. It's good. It's good. Also, a Santagato wedding favorite, shout.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I love how you say a Santagato, a white wedding favorite. Any white wedding has shout.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, out of this world. Wow. That was incredible. That was way louder than I... Absolutely way... This guy's an unbelievable whistler. You heard that whistle. Can you do the whistle? That's unbelievable. I don't know how anyone can whistle like that. Oh, my God. That was pretty impressive. Yeah. Better than... Definitely better than you could sing, you know? Yeah, yeah.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't think I've been to a single wedding that doesn't have shout.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Because I've been to white weddings and they didn't have it. Famously, we went to a wedding back in October with the Halloween drinks. And there's a video. There's a video. Because I had a couple drinks. And I was emotional. It was a tough night for me, okay? Frank was... It's a tough night. Crying harder than I've ever seen. Bro, it was crazy.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I'm not going to tell why, but there was... I'm not going to tell you why. It was the... It starts with A and ends with local. Local. Local. But they were... There's a video of them when they did the... And people get down, and I'm in the background, and my shirt's ripped open, and I'm hanging on my brother, and I'm just like,
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And then there's people, and there are people that are telling, because they won't stop doing that until I get down. There's people yelling at me. They're like, get down. And I was like. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, it was a good time.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Electric Boogie. What's that? That sounds familiar. Boot Scootin' Boogie. What the hell is that? What about Happy by Pharrell? How do you feel about that song? I, so I don't like it for weddings, but, like, it's one of Ruby's favorite songs to dance to. So, like, because of that, I like it. She calls it happy dancing.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So, she's just, like, it was a thing, like, when she was, like, younger, she would go, like, da-da. And I'd go, what? She'd go, happy dancing. It was so fucking cute. Your daughter would do it? Yeah. Like, a weird voice like that? Yeah, like, she was fucking... all hail Paimon, you know, like shit like that. You've never seen fucking Hereditary? You've seen Hereditary. Yeah. Great movie.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I actually just forgot about that. It's a really, really good movie.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
My heart rate's probably like 120. Really? Yeah. Well, happy birthday, you know? Yeah. Did you enjoy it? Did I... Yeah, that... That was Very good and loud if we don't get evicted that'll be a shot Yo that whistle that this guy hit world record that's a pretty like and like he did like the Spanish was like the the like white woman whistle is You know that one. Can you do that? No, I can't.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
All right, folks. All right. Lastly, we have to talk about what is probably the most viral thing in the world right now.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yo, so it's a Spanish version of basically Temptation Island. Yeah. And Becca used to watch it. It's like the idea is like couples that are kind of shaky go on to a show and like the island and like they're supposed to like – have temptation to see if they're strong enough to stay together.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And not only just hot single people, but each other's significant others too, right? I don't really know. I think that everyone's maybe there. A lot of the people who are on the show are there doing the same thing, but there's also single people, I think. Just like they throw them in to just terrorize everybody else?
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Let me be very clear about something. I don't care. Listen, I am well aware there are different dynamics and different relationships and all that. If you're going on this show, you shouldn't be together. Yes. Period.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Period. If the idea is like, let's see if we want to fuck other people on TV to see if we'll stay together. It is nuts.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Be on standby. Josh, be very careful. Be on standby. Okay, thank you. Can I talk to him? What do you need? Ask him how he's doing. How are you doing? Good. There's no one there. Oh, okay.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
This is a two-minute clip. Are you going to give the play-by-play? We'll do play-by-play. Welcome back to San Agato Sports. Frank Alvarez here, here with my call-in commentary. Joe, how you doing? I'm good. All right. Well, we got our boy Montoya here.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It's fine. You can just play it. Just play it. Not a good look. Just move the mouse. That's Montoya. So, yeah, that's Montoya. That's his girlfriend getting kissed. Well, he didn't kiss her there. He licked her mouth. Which is worse than a kiss? Way worse than a kiss, dude. Because that has sex behind it.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And she's like, and I think this guy is fucking... In his underwear. And I think she says like, I want to go to sleep. And he's like, all right, let's turn the lights off. Which is like not what you want here. That woman that you're seeing is like the host of the show to my knowledge.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Or they might not even be seeing it. But lights go off. Montoya immediately.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
He's pointing to the water. He's like, I need to go there. He's like, I'm going to go swim across the ocean. I need to go. And then they put the night vision on.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Now, he is very emotional, as you would be if you watched your partner that you presumably love a lot about to enter the den of the beast. And there's no way else to describe this as just emotional. Joey, I don't think you've seen steeper hills in Switzerland when you were out there. It's going downhill from here. Yeah, this is pretty bad.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
So he's running right now. He's not running. He is in a full sprint.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And he's screaming. And then the host is yelling at him, Montoya, por favor.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And he's screaming. They cut to. That's what I said. She is. And then there's just other naked people in the hot tub. So they keep cutting back.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Bro, Espo's dad, that's how he would signal for them to come home and eat. All you would hear is just a whistle. Yeah, dude. Like a fucking, like they were cattle. Yeah, I was going to say like they're birds or some shit. Becca, too. Becca, she said she was like, we'd be at the park and we'd hear my mom whistle. And that's how we knew it was time to go home.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't know if she was the rabbit or he was there. It looks like they switched positions. If you go back and we do a play-by-play here, you could see at one point, Joe, you could see at one point that she is on the receiving end of said rabbit fuck. and then does go on top in order to contribute to said... It's a rough go, for sure. And, like, first of all, the editor...
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
That guy will never be paid enough for this. For what they? I mean, crazy you immediately went with him. It's a man. Just other naked people. Yeah, I mean, Josh, don't put that in.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
And what made it worse is as he is sprinting harder, They're going harder. They're going harder. It's almost like his legs are connected to their motion. There was a weird... You know how people say there's weird universal connections? Like we have a connection to the stars, the moon, and just the general... feeling of the universe.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
However, our creator made us put a very specific connection between this man's sprint speed. And them having rabid jackhammering coitus. It sounds like a fucking thunderclap in there. It was a lot. And honestly, I would like to see... Because listen...
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You know what I mean? There is no possible way that you as a couple make it out of this. Out of this. And you know what? We don't know the other side of the story. We don't know if he was a real piece of shit or something. It's quite possible. I did read something that he got a lap dance, so this is payback for that, but we don't know.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, how do you quantify a lap dance to, like, that's your payback? That's like someone shooting a BB gun at you and then you dropping a megatongue nuke on them.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I will say this. He technically didn't see the actual sex of it all. He took off. Honestly, good for him. He took off. It was a great time to take off.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, a whistle. Sound travels. That's crazy. But he did the Spanish whistle, which is just like... Yeah, they just do it here. That was incredible, dude. That was really, really loud. That was awesome. So there you go. You like that as a birthday gift? Yeah, that was cool. I didn't know that was on your bucket list. Such a white person bucket list. Like, I want to see a mariachi band.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Because if you were to saw the rest of that, that TV is coming off the hinges. Oh, my God. And there was another clip where he, like, kicks a TV or a screen or something like that. And there's more sex in that clip. And it was intense. Here's what I will say. My heart goes out to these people. I hope that they work it out. I don't. I hope that they go separate ways.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
We don't know who's right or wrong in this situation. All I know is that the editing is fire.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
It's great TV. Do you think it's like if he ever hears someone loudly having sex, he gets a form of like... Maybe.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Absolutely crazy. We wish the best for them as individuals separately because this is over. You can't come back from this as a person. Yeah, I think so. I think so. That's a rough one. You cannot. But we hope that they're great and good and, you know, it's amazing. Unbelievable. I mean, go watch the show, I guess, because... I mean, I think that this show is probably getting, like,
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
millions and millions of viewers now per episode. These people will be rich forever because of this. I mean, not these two people, but probably the fucking producers of the show. I mean, no. Those two people are also probably going to be on every single show possible. Because you know how I feel. I believe all reality TV is staged. I really do. Okay. You know.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
That there are American producers of Temptation Island right now that are just like, guys, on this next season, you need to turn it up. Like, they are like, we need to create our own Montoya Por Favor. Yeah. You know? Or they bring this guy on the show. That'd be great. And, oh, my goodness. I mean, actually, this guy's been through enough. Yeah, he's been through it. Yeah.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
He has been through enough. They are in the TV Hall of Fame now. Is that what that is? What? The TV Hall of Fame now? That just exists in my head. What else is in there? Like Jersey Shore. So Jersey Shore and Montoya, por favor, are the only two things you can think of in the TV Hall of Fame?
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't know. My brain is so mush. Why? Bro, do you understand?
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I remember when I was in high school, I had heard that my girlfriend kissed another guy. And the crash out that I probably had. Good use of some Gen Z slang there. You like that, right? That's a crash, dude. That's a fucking 10-card pileup crash out. That is bad. That is the definition. Like, I couldn't. Oh, my God. Yeah. Like, unbelievable. Unbelievable. You can't come back from that. No.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Well, good on them, I guess. Montoya. All right, well, I think that's where we can end the video.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
This is bigger. This is better. This is the basement boys. Live, large, raw, in the basement. The birthday episode. I understand. This was your birthday episode. Happy birthday. Thank you. I appreciate the gift. Well, you know, the gift that keeps on giving. That's me. And the poem and everything. If I'm not going to do anything else, I'm going to make you happy for your birthday.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
They're cumulatively. If you put the knowledge of three 11-year-olds together, that's pretty much where you're at. It could be higher.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Why is that a white bucket list? Because, like, you should just do that, like... No, I'm just saying that's something that exists in the world. That'd be cool to experience. That was pretty cool.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
That was pretty sick. Do you think you could play that horn? The trumpet, you mean? It was like not just a trumpet. There was like another aspect to it. I don't know, but I mean, I can't. The trumpet's cool. Louis Armstrong made it fucking cool. Really cool. Yo, you want to hear some shit? Miles got gifted a saxophone the other day, and I kind of want to. From who? Bill Clinton?
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
But, bro, I'm not even... Not even gonna fucking lie. I was so jealous.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Kenny G. Yeah, this shit is big and brawling. It's got a strap on it? It has like three on the strap and then a strap around. And then like a full fucking saxophone, dude. I feel like they named that wrong.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, I think sax is good because... Or like a horn horse. It's a sexy horse horn. A horse horn?
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Well, I mean, maybe that's what saxophones were originally used for. We don't know. If there was a horn that existed that you blow it and horses come towards you, I'm buying it. I'm sure there is. I mean, they have dog whistles. What does that make dogs do, though? Freak out.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I know. Well, there's no magic. Oh, it's like training. Yeah. They use it for training, just another way to torture fucking animals as if they're not already hating us. Yeah. But it sounds saxophone. It's very sexy, so it kind of makes sense. Can he play it? Miles was, he was ripping some stuff. What? Nothing crazy. He wasn't fucking Kenny Genin out there.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You know what? Someone fucked with me, though, one time, and they said, like, you turned 33, but you just completed your 33rd year. Like, this is your 34th year.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
This kid picked, yeah, that wasn't really good. That's better. That sounded like a cat in his ears. It's like, oh, fuck. I think a saxophone, give him a couple, he'll pick it up very quick. Me? Yeah. Give me some time. I can also pick it up quick. Are you going to attempt to play the saxophone? If he brings it home. It's at his dad's house right now.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
But if he brings it home, it's not going back to his father's house. Let me make that very clear. You need to get your own, like, mouth part. Read. That's what it is. That's what it's called. That's what it's called.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
They're, like, made of wood, I think. They are. They're like balsa wood. It's like a thin. Yeah, it's like a thin-ass wood. Balsa wood or something like that. And you have to, like, tight. You have to get a tight mouth. You have to get a tight lip it. You have to get a tight lip it. Yeah, no, that's crazy.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I mean, you didn't need to call it that. Well, what? You just called it the dick-sucking thing. Just say the saxophone. Keep it.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Well, I actually did get you another gift. No more mariachi bands. Is there anyone else coming?
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You got to do, like, four? Technically, yeah. That's crazy. We also did get absolutely eviscerated by the student newspaper people at Penn State that told us that we're basically 40 years old. It's like these close to 40-year-olds. They said these 40-year-old men can relate to 20-year-old girls. I didn't like that. That hurts. Yeah, that hurt me deeply. That cut me deep.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
You're not. I'm not. I'm not a stripper guy either. I don't get it. When I was younger, it was just like, what? And now it's just like... The idea of it was like, cool. I think we're the last generation of people that like... You think strip clubs are fading?
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah. Really? That and like Montreal or something. Do you know, I remember the last time we went to Vegas, or not the last time, but like the time, one of the times we went to Vegas, I wanted to go to a strip club out there because it's owned by the Godfather from WWE. That would be the reason why you go.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Dude, how cool would it have been if we walk in and he's just fucking doing his godfather thing and he can hit us with a... I don't think they can call it the hoe train anymore, right? Why? Well, I think on purpose he was calling it the hoe train. Yeah, because he would come out with his... As he called them. Hoes. He called this. Well, we saw them as women. We did. I think he did too.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
What was it called? Cheetahs, I think. That's a strip club. That's definitely a strip club. Yeah, yeah. Look up if strip clubs are going away. Are less people going to strip clubs nowadays?
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I don't really know. But I did get you another gift. Actually, technically, I didn't get it for you. So I was able to get in touch with a good friend of mine who is a three-time Slam Poetry of the Year winner. Oh, okay. Francisco. Yeah. And first of all, I hadn't seen him in a while. Right. He's been pretty upset since sometime in November, a specific Tuesday in November he's been upset about.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Right there. Is the American strip club dying out? Analysis of the strip club market from 2014 to 2029 from Yahoo Finance.
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#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yahoo Finance. Yahoo Finance doing, you know, really... Finding out the answer to that.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Okay, cool. So three times slam poetry of the year, Francisco. I asked him for your 33rd birthday to write you a little poem. And he went on like a 40-minute rant about... I have a feeling I'm going to be offended by this. I don't think so, honestly. I really don't think so. So Francisco wrote you a brief poem. He wanted me to read it to you. Okay. Are you going to perform it as him?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I'm just going to read it as he intended it, as the Lord intended it. Okay. Okay? So he said that this poem is called Joey. Right. For you, for your birthday. My birthday. Okay. Born white as milk. Frank. Frank.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
I'm not Francisco. Try. Just do your best impression. Do an impression of the guy, dude. I don't have... People want to hear the impression. I don't have his get up. I don't have his... Just do it. It's my birthday. Okay. Born white as milk, with hair that's dark but has since gone gray. All right. It's a couple of strands on the side.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
With a best friend whose looks are so astounding, some have even thought, is Joe gay? Did that? Oh, gray and gay.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
No. You can't say that. Little freckles. Little freckles. Little boy playing football, basketball. Oh, yay, sports. Five foot. A buck.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
that now you're, you're, you're this much closer. You're this much closer to 40.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Oh, okay. Five foot. A buck ten pounds. His shirts look like dresses. His boxers look like shorts. Hair like silk. Skin, olive oil, gold. Joe doesn't have this, but his best friend Frank has all of those. Okay, yeah. So we're using this. This is for my birthday, by the way. Joey lives life with a pencil dick. Frankie. What are you laughing at, Giggles?
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Yeah, you know why, bitch. It's my birthday tomorrow.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
Not good. Are you getting any of like the traditional? Cause the minute you turn 30, it's like you're a hundred. Are you getting like back pain and all that stuff? No, I actually feel really good. Your knee sucks. I mean, I hurt my knee skiing. I doesn't suck. Your knee sucks pretty bad.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
This is fucking bullshit. Joey lives life with a pencil dick. Where Frank? Garden hose. Yeah. Jalopy Joe, more like Sloppy Joe. He's a carbon copy of his mommy and poppy Joe. Making some pennies delivering pizza and working parties betting on himself. Now we're with cocky Joe. Okay. Ah, a full media empire. King YouTube, everyone settle down, kids. Son of a bitch.
The Basement Yard
#491 - Joe's Birthday Episode
From humble beginnings to Rolex and Nike dunk fits. It's you. Little twink bitch adjacent instead of being a slut replacement. He made videos in his basement. Now he's old and gray, basically ancient, trying to mark the world. You fucking bitch. You bastard.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
I don't think this man is a doctor. I don't think he's a fucking doctor either, dude.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
I just remember some of them were pretty good. Like what? I don't remember. I couldn't tell you.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
Insertion with caresses, $27, would be $289. So, base pay. $290, basically. Also... To get caressed and fart. Now...
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
No, I think it just creates bubbles when it goes into the water. I also think that, too.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
I think this is all-encompassing. I don't think you can.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
That one's good. That was a good one. That was a good one.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
I don't know. I was trying to look for prices. But, yeah, then these buffed up.
The Basement Yard
#494 - Visiting Docter Dan
Yeah. Very, very underrated impression that he did. I feel like I've... It was good? It was very good.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Welcome back to the baby. Welcome back to the Basement Yard. Frank, you're here with your Hawaiian shirt. Yes. Dead of the winter. I appreciate the dedication. I'm also here with Fred Durst, apparently. It's a backwards hat. Let's relax. Fred Durst owns backwards fitted hats. Yeah. If it's not a fitted hat, it's owned by somebody else. But it's usually red. Okay.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
As you were wearing your fucking etnies and you were listening to Good Charlotte. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You had Good Charlotte on your MP3. Good Charlotte came a little later, but yeah. Middle school. That was Good Charlotte. That was prime. Whatever. I mean, regardless. You know? But anyway. He took the earbud out of his head and you just hear like in the background like, I'm just a kidder.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yes, it does. If my younger self did it, I'm not held responsible. Wrong. You shaved an F. Yeah. Did someone enjoy the sight? Because I never saw that. Would you have enjoyed that sight? Not enjoyed, but I'm assuming you fucking shave an F into your pubes and you're like, Joe, look. I mean, maybe I showed you my pubes. I mean, I feel like I've seen your landing strip.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
that is a south park voice that might be but you were just like you had like and you had big teeth at the time i remember like you were so small you were like a little you were like a hairless big tooth little white rodent you're not very nice a hairless big tooth white little rodent i mean it's but like what were you I was a big-nosed, skinny, lanky, dumb, brown kid. I feel better now.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, there you go. You were Rufus from Kim Possible. Did you just Google that? You scumbag.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Honestly, honestly. Fired. Honestly. Yeah. Not that far off. I don't have big buck teeth. He does not. He doesn't have big buck teeth. But the rest of it probably is accurate. Yo, I recently watched Kim Possible. Holds up. Still good. Never watched an episode of that. What? Yeah. No way. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. It was on, like, before even Stevens or something. I mean, I just didn't watch it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
What? Why? I don't know. Oh, man. I also wasn't in... She was your basic average girl. She was just here to save the world. You can't stop her, because she's... Kim Possible. No, it's Kim Possible. I had a crush on her, though. I like the pants. Yeah, you're wearing them right now.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You're dressed basically like Kim Possible right now. You just need the red hair. I need gloves. Oh, you're dressed like Ron, her boy. That's who you look like. Who's Ron? Wasn't there a guy in the show who was trying to fuck her the whole time? Ron Stoppable. Ron Stoppable. You kind of look like that if you had a little bit lighter hair. Oh. Okay. You don't think so? No. Ah. Anyway. I can see it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But anyway, the reason why I brought that up is because I would go into her office all the time, and we had a good rapport, and I thought that we were cool, whatever. And I remember like two years out of middle school, I had sent an email to her. Like, hey, it's Joe. She had no idea who I was. Two years afterwards. I'm like, bro, we had like a thing. We knew each other.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, that's not a way to speak about your race principle. That's not what I meant. We didn't have a thing. There was nothing like that.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
She let me play with her dartboard. That sounds weird, too. Yeah. She had a legitimate dartboard. That I would play, that I, never mind. Yeah, you honestly just buried yourself a little bit. What was her name? Say it so everyone knows the potential criminal. Miss Del Valle. Well, there you go. Yeah, Miss Del Valle is her name. Damn, so she just forgot you.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I like to think that there are teachers that remember me. I know you like to think that. Well, people will probably remember you because your mom worked in the school.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But, like... Bro, there were, like, people loved my mom. Do you think Miss DeFilippi remembers us? I hope so.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, she can't because she's probably six feet deep in her sleep. No pajamas. You know what I'm saying? I know exactly what you mean. I just, I like to think, well, like, my mom had, like, a lot of friends. So, like, they'd know me as Nancy's son. Right. Bro, I had one teacher who was never my teacher. I never did a class with him, anything.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
He was like, I want to write you a letter of recommendation. I was like, I don't know you. Who? Oh, in high school. Yeah. I've just said every name. Montalvo. He was a nice guy, but like... Never once. Wanted to hook you up. Never once. I thought he was Googling my telephone. Yeah, he's like, go to LinkedIn.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I know, because you never. I forged all my. Hello. Wait, what? Yeah, I wrote a letter of recommendation for college, but I made it up. Who is it from? I made up a name. Oh, okay. I was like, there's no way they're going to look into this, so I just wrote something. So you just made up complete nonsense. I mean, obviously, it was not very good because you didn't get into any school.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
No, I was actually good at writing, so I was able to, like, I didn't want to go to college. It's hysterical. So I remember I told my parents, you're supposed to apply for college in, like, November, December of your senior year, right?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
uh around then yeah maybe a little earlier and i told my mom i did and she was like which schools and i just like i was like oh i like you know like i just started naming like suny schools and shit that i'd like heard of and i was like and your mom worked at a school so she's like yeah she probably had some sort of like inkling um and i remember being like i haven't done any of that and i never applied for a school and then when it came to like
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
fucking April or something. I went to my guidance counselor and she was like, are you going to apply? Because I was honest with her. I was like, I haven't applied to anything. And she's like, apply to Queensborough Community College and they'll accept you, but you need a letter of recommendation. So I just wrote one.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, you also had a plan to actually go to college. I was just like, I'm just trying to get into this school. I'm going to lie about this. If they say this is fake and I can't go, cool, I don't care.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Someone asked you for a letter of recommendation and you wrote a bad one? And I told them very clearly, like, listen, like... Because they it was when I was like a supervisor and I made it very clear, like, I don't think you would be right for this position. And they said, like, can you still like I need a letter of recommendation.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I was just like, do you do you know the word recommendation is like the big part and you didn't recommend? Well, a recommendation doesn't need to be in the affirmative. It could be in the like, I am not recommending this person. That is astounding. You told them, like, I'm going to write something negative. Bro, as a supervisor, let me, let me, let me, let me.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
As a supervisor, I had to be fucking honest, and I said to them... No, you don't! Yes, you do! Don't be fake! No! Yeah! No way, Jose. Yeah. I was very clear. It was someone that I did not have a good working relationship with. I also did not like this person as an individual. Did you tell them that it was going to be negative?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I told them very clearly, like, I don't think you're right for this position.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I was just like... That's so sad. I agree, but also like, bro, it's your reputation that you're putting online.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Not everyone is fucking Quincy DaBeatBop or whoever you, you know, wrote as your fake letter of recommendation. Like, these are real people. This was my represent... You know, like, it was representing me. Right. And why were they bad? They were just like...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You know? You put an F in your pubes and went to the doctor? I didn't realize- I honestly forgot that I had a doctor's appointment. And I did. What about remembering the pubes? I would have ran to the bathroom and maybe a little- Did what? Did what in the bathroom?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You know, I'm not a good like a not a good person or they were just like they were late to stuff and like just Didn't know how to work with people.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, like couldn't read a room like in Like they couldn't read a right No, no, but like couldn't like just didn't mesh well and people generally didn't like them because they were too intense and that was all feedback I'd given this person during the year and And I had to like... That's so fucked. Why is it fucked? It's honest. What if you found out they're homeless?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
If the reason is because of the letter of recommendation, I would feel bad. You know that writing that letter means they are not getting the job. Like you are solidifying the fact that they're not getting a job. I mean, maybe. But also, it's not entirely on letters of recommendation. Like if they went out there and they crushed the interview... That was my thinking.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm like, no one's even going to read this letter of recommendation. I mean, yes, they will. No, they won't. Yes, they will. It's a community college. No one's reading this. I mean, maybe. They see Joe Santagato, future YouTube star. Joe Jonas lookalike.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
No one's going to read that. And if they did read it, like, wait, hold on. Let me go verify that this person actually exists before I... Like, bro, it's community, like, make it easy. I mean, jobs do that. Like, they do. I'm sure they do. I just didn't think that, like, a community college would. I imagine that. It's like, you need to, like, you don't know if they're going to do it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
So, like, what if they pick you as the person to do it to? I was like, in my head, I'm like, I have good grades. Like, I'm, like, overqualified, I guess, to get into the school. I could definitely get accepted to the school because my grades are good, and I'm writing a letter of recommendation. Whatever, who cares? I just kept it very vague in general.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Hey, do you think I'm carrying around? This is- I'm talking about before you get to the doctor! 2010, Joey, you think I'm carrying around fucking micro-touches? No, this is before- I mean, honestly, you could have been, because back then you had a drawstring backpack that had, like, everything in it. It did, but that was a couple years prior. That was a weird time. You were razor-pubing.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I didn't put anything, like, specific, like, top of his class scholar. I just said, like, yeah, cool. Joe is hardworking and... Basic shit. I don't remember exactly what I wrote, but I remember being like... The irony that they probably... What if they did read it, and they were just like, wow, this kid sounds like a really good kid, and then you just don't go back? Well, that's what happened.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I know. That's what happened. Ant, did you go to college?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
School of Business. That's a big school of business, right?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Wow. You got your four-year degree? Yep. Good for you. We're right here, you know, you and I. All the dummies.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I want to make one comment about this. We've all ended up working for him. You guys happy with your degrees? I don't know the point you're trying to make. Oh, man, I wish I cared more, but we do have sponsors for today. The first one being, how you doing, SeatGeek? Okay, you guys want to go to a Broadway play? You want to go to a little sports game or something like that?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You can do so with SeatGeek. I have been using them for years. It's the only marketplace that I buy my tickets, okay? And the Basement Yard, when we went on tour last year, I saw the tickets on SeatGeek. That was kind of like a full circle moment for me. I'm like, wow, look at this. It's so nice. But right now, you can get your tickets.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
They got Kendrick Lamar is going on tour with SZA, Tyler, the creator, Shakira. That would be awesome. Dua Lipa. Everyone else, you could go to their concerts or whatever. You can do so with SeatGeek, like I said. But, yeah, go to SeatGeek. And I came through for you guys. You know that. All right, we're going to save you 10% on tickets.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
So you can use the code BASEMENT2025 for 10% off your next set of tickets at SeatGeek, okay? So that's 10% off any tickets with the promo code BASEMENT2025. So if you plan on going to any sort of show that, you know, requires a ticket and it's on SeatGeek, Save that 10%. Use the code BASEMENT2025, all right? So go download that app. And, yeah, you're welcome, folks. We also have Skims, okay?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Skims... Unbelievable underwear, folks. Skims is the best thing that I've ever put in my body. Frank loves skims. I remember when he came in and he started talking about it, he was like, this is the most comfortable thing that's ever set foot. Confirmed. Not set foot. That's not what I meant to say. That has ever bestowed my bottom. That has bestowed my bottom.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But it was very comfortable, breathable underwear. I don't think I'm going back, okay? I'm just going to wear skims for the rest of my life. Put them on. And you thought they were only for women. And honestly, when they first came out, I think they were just for women. And I was like, that looks very comfortable, and I enjoy the colors.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Unfortunately, I'm not going to put pantyhose on my body because I think that would look a little strange. But, you know, it's an insecurity thing. But then when they have a men's line now, and it's very comfortable, I've had it. So any fellas out there or any women out there that want to buy it for their fella, you guys can do so. Go to skims.com, all right? Go to skims.com slash basement.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You were razor-ing your pubes back then. Against the grain, too. You would against the grain razor your pubes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably sliced that thing up. I remember I had the Gillette Fusion razor. Did it work well? It just had a vibrating thing in it. Wait. What? You had a vibrating razor for your pubes? Yeah. You're a horny little girl. Is that weird?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And, yeah, go shop. And then after you purchase everything, after you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select our show in the drop-down menu that follows. So let them know that we sent you to Skims, all right?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Like I said, for women out there, if you want your guy to have nice underwear, or for fellows out there, you want a nice pair of underwear, which I know as guys, it takes a long time for us to throw underwear away. It's hanging on by a thread, and you're like, no, these are my lucky pair. It's time to upgrade, okay? Go to Skims. Get yourself a pair of nice underwear there.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Skims.com slash basement. Click on the – select podcast in the survey and select our show. Let them know that we sent you, all right?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
There's going to be us and you, and it's going to be a warm, cozy hangout sesh, okay? Join Patreon and join that first tier, and you get these weekly episodes one week in advance, and then that second tier, you get exclusive episodes every week. every single Friday. So you could start your week and end your week with The Basement Yard. That makes me so happy. Thank you so much.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You know, we are so appreciative and grateful you guys have seen by now, I hope. We are in a new studio and a huge reason we're getting the opportunity to do this is not only love and support we get from everyone across the board, but our friends over on Patreon. So patreon.com slash The Basement Yard. Thank you guys so much. We love you. And guess what?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Again, if you didn't see, we're going over to Europe. We have some shows in Scotland, London, and Dublin. And if you're coming to any of those shows, make sure you go to TheBasementYard.com slash submit. Let us know what show you're coming to and submit responses to the questions we have there.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
A big part of these shows that we did last year, and we want to do it again this year, is they're interactive. We talk to you. You talk to us. Crazy stories.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Maybe not. But if you go and you submit it, maybe we'll pick your card. Maybe we'll talk to you about you. We can also, if you ask to be kept anonymous, put that in there. Whatever. But go to TheBasementYard.com slash submit. Let us know what show you're coming to. Submit your response. And you never know. Maybe we'll talk at the shows. All right? Back to Joe. That was my transition noise.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I figured. That was it. Did you like that? Someone's calling me. Oh, who is it? Don't know the number, not picking it up.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
We were like Hall of Fame prank callers back in the day.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I'm sure you didn't use that language. Oh, no. Yeah. No. And do you remember? I remember you. Do you remember? I know that. I don't I don't know that specific story about that. But I do remember you cyber prank calling one of our friends, meaning you created a screen name and we're like flirting with one of our friends.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I remember the screen name was SkeetOnMyFaceXX. X? Three X's. It was SkeetOnMyFace. That I know for sure. And you were like, oh, hey, how you doing? You're so hot. And they were like, whoa, what? Really? And the screen name was literally Skeet on my face. I remember the Skeeting. Like, in the screen name. Let's make that very clear. We did, yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Pranking guys and having fun. Right. I remember one time I prank called one of our friends and I was just like... Um, like, can I, like, come and, like...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You get horny for your pubes? No, I mean, I. Someone plays with your pubes, you're horny? Someone plays with my pubes. Like, plays with your, like, fat. What do you think, I'm getting them braided? What do you mean? Fat. What are you saying? What are you talking about? Well, like, what do you mean horny? I'm not like, you think I'm holding my razor to my penis? Why does it need to vibrate?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
So fun to be a kid and mess around with your friends. Have a little bit of good times. You know? Yeah. I do know exactly what you mean. But I was a good prank caller. Maybe we should do episodes of prank calling people. I'm not going to prank call anyone. Why not? I mean, because I'm, you know. An adult. That's part of it. That's part of it. That's a big part of it, I would say.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
When's the last time you prank called someone? A very long time. Man. Well, that was the time. Remember there was a show, Crank Yankers? Yeah. And then, you don't remember that? It was like puppets that were like. Yeah, prank calling.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And then there was the infamous prank call that you kicked my dog. That's like almost 23 or 24 years old. That is a white guy doing a seemingly Indian man's accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit. And, you know.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But a classic. It's not. It was. It definitely was. That was the funniest thing in the world at one point. No, the funniest thing in the world was the Arnold Schwarzenegger's Pizza Shop. Yeah, but not many people know that. I'm shocked. If you want something crazy like pineapple, I'll kill you. I recently brought that up to someone, and they were just like, Arnold's Pizza Shop.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I was just like, sit down. Frank, you lived on whatever fucking website that was. Don't even pretend you don't remember funnyjunk.com. Funnyjunk. Okay? There were some problematic ones on there, too. Of course.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Right. We know which one we're referencing. Are we referencing the one where someone works in a drive-thru and they clearly have some sort of issue?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Do you remember the Numa Numa video? Why was that so- What is that guy doing? This guy, he's just doing this. He did a- I mean, I gotta say, incredible karaoke skills. A lip syncing you mean?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, you're right. I mean, he crushed that lip syncing. Yeah, he did a great job. Where is the Numa Numa guy? Can you look that up for me?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Numa Numa guy. Man. Man. The Numa Numa guy. Oh, he's on stage singing. He's in a band. Good for him. His name's Gary. Is he? Go to Wikipedia. That's always a trusted source. Where is he from? Norway or something? No, that looks like that is. What do we think here? He's in movies? No. What movie? Oh, it's like a student film or something. Where's he from? Newgrounds. It was on Newgrounds.com.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
The fuck is Newgrounds? You never remember Newgrounds? You remember Newgrounds, right?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. Just go to where he is now. I don't care about all this stuff. I'll just type in his name. No, just scroll to the bottom of that. It wouldn't tell you? We'll figure it out. Yeah. I'll look. You look that up. But the Numa Numa guy, if he went viral now, you'd probably become an internet celebrity and make a bunch of money. That's your career.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And then start a coin and then take everyone's money and then disappear and people are thinking, where are you? I'll let everyone who's watching this know right now. If we create a... I'm giving you the heads up. If we create a meme coin... I will rug pull it. So if we create a meme coin, don't give us the money. At least you're being honest. That's what I'm saying. I am going to rug pull it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It was like what the Gillettes did at the time. It was the Gillette Fusion. And I thought it was like, well, this must be... Because I see commercials for it. This must be a really good razor. And it was just a razor that just vibrated. Did you shave your balls? Yeah. You know, I never shaved my balls in my life. So your balls, you just have like a Gandalf beard on your nuts? No, no, no.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. And you will lose money, so do not give it. This is what is going to happen. If we, like, the coin will be called, like, BSMT. Okay. It'll be called basement coin. Right. Don't buy it. Don't. If we release it, things have gotten real tough here. But I'm pulling it. I'm rug pulling. And let us crash and burn.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
If it gets to a point where we release that coin, let us like, you know, like, oh man, like things are not going well.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Let it go right where it deserves to be. But I'm letting you know right now. The rug. Yeah. How much do we know? We're obviously... I think millions. We're referencing Hayley Hoctua Welch. And we're not accusing her of orchestrating anything. But the evidence doesn't look great. Yeah, I think that there's an amount. How much did they make off of that coin? Millions, I assume.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Bro, she... Like, I'm not even kidding. If it comes out like she does get, like, in trouble criminally, the movie about the July to January part of her life is going to be insane, dude. Movie is crazy. Maybe on Netflix? Netflix, Doc? Maybe. But, like... It's kind of crazy, though. Oh, you gotta do this. How much did they...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, but I don't know what that is. What? Yeah, but that doesn't mean that it's worth 500 million. A market cap, dude? I don't know what that means, though, to be honest. I don't know how much she, like, walked away with. I also don't even know what a rug pull is. I'm sorry. Maybe we do do this. I mean, let's be very clear. It is a crime. We're, we... Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm admitting to a crime that I may or may not commit in the future. I'm just letting you know that... No, that's literally how people get in trouble. Don't do that. Say you're not going to do it. Well, I'm not going to create a meme coin. Okay. Just want to make sure that the lawyers watch this. I'll just go make pizzas before I did that. Oh. But I'm just letting everyone know, be smart.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But if you see me making a meme coin... It's not going to the moon. It's getting a third of the way there, and then I'm... And I'm leaving. I mean, 500 million, that's to the moon. I don't think that means it's worth 500 million. Bro, if it was, I'm pushing you to create a coin tomorrow. Yeah. Well, Frank... If I'm rug pulling, I'm pulling the wool as well. The rug's getting pulled. The wool?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
The wool over your eyes. You think I'm giving you $1? I'm rug pulling innocent people. So you're not getting $500 million. I'm getting $500 million, and I'm running away. Is the rug made of wool? I don't get it. No, a rug pull is what that's called. But why is there wool over your eyes? Pulling the wool over your eyes. You've never heard that expression? No. Okay.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, welcome to adulthood and planet Earth, because that's an expression everyone's been using for years. Pulling the wool over someone's eyes? How many sheep? How many sheep are you talking to that you can just regular, like, that doesn't make sense. What does that mean? Frank, you know that exists. Pull the wool over your eyes. It's a phrase. It means to fool you. Oh, okay, okay.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
No, no, no, no, no. It does sound familiar. To trick or deceive. Okay. I'm sorry. I was confused because you were talking rugs. I'm thinking you have rugs of wool. No. Can you do that? You can make rugs of anything. Human skin, wool. Human skin? Yeah. No. You don't think so? No. But anyway, we do have some more sponsors. Really? Yeah, dude. We have some more. We have him.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Is it only... No, he's had some black ones in there. He's known for the red, right? Now he's just white. I mean, he's been white.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I mean, it like... No. That's not what happened. So then what happened? I don't know. Like, I mean, back in the day, I never shaved them with, like, a razor.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
So all the fellas out there, if you're losing your hair, it doesn't mean you can't find it again. Okay? Also, you can do some preventative stuff. If you've seen some, like, issues where you're like, all right, I'm getting a little bit of a receding sort of thing, then you want to be proactive about that. You can do so with hymns, okay?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Men value different things about their appearance, but if you're a guy who really cares about your hair and you see that slowly going away, you might be feeling discouraged when you look in the mirror. Hems is going to help you out with that, okay?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
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The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
There's no insurance needed, and one low price covers everything from treatments to ongoing care. So you can start your free online visit today at HIMSS.com slash basement. That's H-I-M-S dot com slash basement for your personalized hair loss treatment options. Results vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Prescription products require an online consultation with health care providers. who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Okay, so all the fellows out there, maybe hop on that. And lastly here, we have HelloFresh. HelloFresh, it is a meal delivery service.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You get farm fresh pea portion ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. So it skips your trip to the grocery store. You save all that time going up and down the aisles, getting all the ingredients and stuff. You just go on the website. You look at awesome recipes for things, and then they will send you the ingredients for those things right to your door.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, I did. Well, I know, like, certain... How'd you do it? You, like, pulled it taut, and then you... Yeah, of course, baby. Hold it tight. Go, you know, go around. I have a very delicate sack. I was going to say, like, I can, like, navigate the area well. Also, by the way, just remember, not Patreon. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're pulling your sack taut and you're shaving it. Well, sure.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Again, pre-portioned, so it's not like they're going to send you a gallon of pepper that you have to hold in your pantry or something. It's all pre-portioned. You use all the ingredients, so nothing goes to waste. and you have lovely meals, okay?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
So if you want to get into cooking, or you're like, oh, I'm stuck in this rut where I'm making the same five things all the time, get some HelloFresh in your life, okay? They have a bunch of different things to choose from. Fit and wholesome, quick and easy, vegetarian, whatever it is, HelloFresh has got you covered. So you can get 10 free meals at HelloFresh.com slash FreeBasement.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Okay, apply to cross seven boxes. New subscribers only. It varies by plan. That's 10 free HelloFresh meals just by going to HelloFresh.com slash FreeBasement. All right, so enjoy that, folks. And, you know, I think we'd be remiss if we didn't talk about the pilot. You know, we had talked right before we started recording. There was a pilot that, like... Got engaged or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Proposed. Yeah, during the flight, the pilot came out into the main cabin and proposed to his girlfriend. Why was she on the flight that he was flying?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I wish. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, now that I'm thinking about it, that's kind of like the wedding singer. Like a wedding singer. Remember he's playing the guitar on a plane? I don't remember that part. Did Drew Barrymore? I don't remember that part or care for it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
No, yeah, so I think it's it's funny because like I think the story came out and she said yes, but- Imagine she said no. Bro, imagine being on that flight. Wait, did he propose over the PA? No, he like walked out to her. Planes can like fly themselves like now. There's like autopilot and shit like that. And there's two pilots. Now, bro? Of course. For years. You're acting like it's 1901.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm saying 90s, brother. No way. 2000s. They've been doing that forever. Really? Yeah. Autopilot.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
How hard is that? You lock the steering wheel and you just go. Yeah, but like, it's way smarter now. No. It's probably older, if anything. 19... No, bro. That's... Come on now, you dumb idiot. That says 1912. Now you almost... Bro, if we've had that since 1912- Bro, what kind of question did you type in? What does it say? Just type in, when were planes able to automatically fly?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
When was planes automatically flies? When was autopilot invented? Same answer! It was invented in 1912 by the Sperry- The people that made my boots?! Sperry Corporation? Designed to reduce the pilot's workload? This doesn't make sense. You said the 90s. I mean, it is the... 1912? That, what? Why? Also, I made the joke of being like, this ain't 1901. Well, 10 years later, they had it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
An apology, maybe? No, fuck you. For what, you? You did type that like an idiot, to be fair. Also, I just fired you back there for pulling up a picture of a naked mole rat.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
That is right. Technically, you are... You're off the clock. You're off the clock. Wait, no, no, this can't be right. Like, all right, look up, like, now planes can fly by themselves. When did that happen? What? No, no, like, there's a difference. Autopilot, like, it might, like, lock the thing, but, like, now, like, basically they click a button and it follows a path.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I mean, I haven't done that in a long time. Let's be very, very clear. Yeah, I mean, now we're just buzz boy trim boys. There are certain parts of your body where the hair is like... Chemically or like engineered basically that it will only grow to a certain length That's why you've never like shaved your legs, right, right?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Like, when did, when did, uh... Autopilot? You're describing autopilot, I think. That might be what you're doing here. And there's no other way to ask this question. We're going to get the same page. All right. Type this. When did planes become as smart as they are?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yo, Frank is AI's worst nightmare. Aircrafts of the 21st century. There we go.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Frank, the answer is 1912. That's astounding to me. That doesn't make sense. Think about it. Amelia Earhart. That was so long ago. When was that? I don't know. When was Amelia Earhart? I don't know. The 30s? Oh, it was. It was like 29 or something like that? That was the Great Depression. Yeah. So people were upset, but she was flying planes, and that made her happy, which is nice.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You should find a hobby in the dark times. Oh, I have some bad news for the people that...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, no, she had some good flights. She did. But then she had some one really not good ones. Unfortunately, if you have one really bad flight, there's no more good ones.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It's totally fine. But anyway, asking, like getting, like, hello, proposing to your wife on a plane. Well, you're not proposing to your wife. You're proposing to your girlfriend or partner. Okay. You know. Technical Frank, here he is. Technical Frank. Not just technical. Not just technical. It's a correction. Technical, Frank. One of the worst places to get engaged.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm going to get up and fucking leave. What is the worst way to propose to your girlfriend? I mean, that's pretty bad because what if the person being proposed to says, no, this pilot needs to go fly this plane? I'm creating a clip, Frank. What is the worst way to get engaged? What's the worst way to propose to your girlfriend? Ah, ooh. It's gotta be Flash Mob. That's a bad one.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
That's so bad, dude. Can we group together? I just hate collections of people dancing. I hate that too. Well, unless they're on a stage. But don't be on the floor. If you're on level ground that I am like, I can stand face to face with you and you're dancing, get the fuck out of here. Or you're on hardwood. Like, if you're like a Nick City dancer or something like that, that's fine. But like,
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yo, you're in Grand Central Station and you're all dancing? Bro, if I walk... I got recruited to be in a flash mob once and I respectfully declined. How do you get recruited? Was it like a cult? Someone reached out to me and says, I want to do a flash mob. Do you want to be in it? We're going to make it go viral. Did it go viral? No, Joey. Absolutely.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Of course not, because that was the thing that people said just to get people excited in 2010. You know what? It was just like, we're going to make something, and it has all the key components to go viral. So would you have to show up to practice? Because I'm assuming everyone has to learn the dance. You know, I said no, so I didn't go that far.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But I remember it was in the cafeteria, the food hall on campus. Oh my God, they wanted to do a flash mob in campus? And bro, they had a big stairwell coming down so everyone could see them. It was bad. So that everyone can clearly see the people that they don't want to have sex with. Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Flash mob is pretty bad. Can you imagine? It's like, will you marry me? Me, me, me, me.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'll tell you this. If the song Marry You by Bruno Mars is involved at all. Pretty bad. Just say no. Yeah. And if you're getting proposed to. Disney proposals are pretty bad. That would be bad. Oh, here's Mickey Mouse. Just kidding. He's got the ring. Like, what are we doing? I want you to make me the happiest boy ever. Yeah. You're just trying to show off. Anytime! Anytime I can get it in there!
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
That's why it doesn't get like wildly long It stays the length that it is and when new hair comes in it gets that length and it's like we're good right pubes I think pubes pubes facial hair and head hair are the ones that'll just just just Just and if you're old and white than your ear hair because I've seen some crazy Are you scared about that when you become an old dumb white man?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Anytime I can get it in there! No, yeah, like, just make it, like, absolutely, like, you know, like, here comes Goofy! What's in Goofy's hand? Where did you propose? There was a little beach by where we lived. But not public. Like, there wasn't people around, right? No, no, no. It was just myself, Becca, and Miles. Cool. Did you tell Miles? No, because he would have immediately, like... Told her?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. Oh, so you proposed to both of them? Of course, yeah. Because that's what my life was going to become, you know? Was he shocked? Did he say yes? No. Does he say yes? I didn't ask him. He was very excited. Okay, cool. You know? But it was... It was... I was like... I had the ring. I had asked her father.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I looked outside and it was the craziest sunset I've ever seen in my... To this day, the craziest sunset I've ever seen in my entire life. Like, neon pink and purple and orange.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I was just like... Oh, fuck. There's no better time. So I was like, why don't we go walk down to the little beach to see the sunset? Oh, you slick devil. I was a slick little bitch. How long did you hold on to the ring? A couple weeks, maybe a couple days, but it wasn't very long. A couple weeks and a couple days are astronomically different.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
All right, maybe a couple weeks, but it wasn't very, very long. Okay. Because I know once I have a gift, I want to give it to that person.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Was there any rules leading up to that where she was like, yo, don't do it at a restaurant or anything like that? Not that I remember. I don't know that I would. Like a restaurant? I think the public aspect of it puts a lot of pressure on people. I'll tell you this. If anyone's clapping, I am not comfortable. If I hear, oh, my God.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You know, like... Yeah, like, if you're, like, in Central Park and then getting down on the knee and then everyone stops and they're, like, clapping and they're just waiting, I'd be like, oh, too much. Dude, sports games? Sports games.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I was going to say. White as snow. His hair? His facial hair. You're Fred Durst-ed out right now. That's actually not a bad thing. You did it all for the nookie. We've discussed this already. We've discussed it in grave detail. I think that's what you should go as this year for Halloween. Fred Durst.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And it cuts to them and everyone's like, oh. And it's like, there's a guy in a corner and he's got a popcorn and a hot dog and he's like, oh. Yeah, it's like, oh shit. Oh shit. And like, everyone's just like, look, look, look. And like, That is... Too much. That seems... But honestly, like, it's individual. Like, some people want the pomp and circumstance. Like, they want it to be big and insane.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
No. It's so... Have you ever thought about any ways of proposing? I mean, I would... No, I've only thought about things that I would not do. Okay. So you're not going to Disney. I think we can confidently rule out a flash mob. We can confidently rule out... I saw a video recently of a guy filming a proposal, but he was like...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
not like part of it he was just like seeing it happen because it was like on the beach and there was like a whole thing and just like rug and the woman's there and she's just sitting there or standing there and the guy has it's him and two background dancers and they're doing a choreographed dance and i'm like i've never been more certain that a marriage is not gonna last i'll be honest with you
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I mean, I'm gonna just clean out my ears. I'm gonna get the shavers. What do you want me to do? Let it grow out of my fucking ears like a potato? I don't know if I've seen someone live and in person with hair jetting out of their ears. You've never seen an old white man in brown pants and suspenders with just ear hair? And it's like, bro, how could you even possibly hear with that?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Out of place choreography terrifies me. It makes my skin crawl. If there's not stage lights on you. Like, why are you dancing so intensely in a park? You shouldn't be doing this too much. And like, over intense choreography, I just see it and I wince a little bit. Yeah, and it's like, you can tell that this dude, like, took classes for this. Like, oh, my God.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Oh, he was in on the choreography with the dancers? Yeah. That's bad. It's like, will you marry me?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. Oh, no. Just say no before he starts. You know why? I think, like, the current internet age has, like, ruined choreography for me. Oh, like TikTok? TikToks. Even that kind of came and went, though. I think people are over the choreographed dance on TikTok. I think maybe it's just our algorithm. I have a feeling it's probably still very popular amongst a certain age range of people.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It could be. Bro, people got famous off of that. What's the girl that had the McDonald's? Not the McDonald's. Oh, Charli D'Amelio. Yes, the Dunkin' Donuts drink. She's the most followed person on the app, I think. There you go. She got famous doing those dances, right? Well, yeah. She's on Broadway, I think.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, I saw her at the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Not at there. I wasn't there. I saw it on TV. But, like... Yo, what a psychotic thing to go to. A Thanksgiving Day Parade? If you propose to someone at a parade... Oh, my God. Like, if there's a parade float... If there's a big inflatable Elmo making its way down and you're like, quick, I need to ask for your hand in marriage, you fucked up.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I do wish that I lived in Manhattan on the path so that I could just see a giant... If you lived in Manhattan on that path, it goes a very specific route. It's very expensive to live there, no? I thought it was just... I don't know where it goes, to be honest with you.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Fuck knows. But, like, I mean, I don't know. People live there. I mean, that's crazy. If I, bro, if I... Imagine a big balloon past your window. That's awesome. That'd be scary. It would be like Godzilla. And is that not scary? Let me answer for you. It is scary. You know how some people have a fear of gigantic things? I feel like I have the opposite. You have a fear of little babies? No, no, no.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I mean, I like a giant thing, but I'm not... I don't mean like... Because there's some people that are like, oh, I want a big, giant woman to step on my head. That's not what I mean. I wasn't even going that route. I was going with big, giant dongs. Oh, no. That's not what I mean either. I don't like big, giant dongs. So you like little dongs? I don't like any dongs, dude.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I like my own dong, and that's where I draw the line at dong. The only dong you've ever liked. Yeah. No other dongs in the world that you're just like, this isn't the worst dong. Ding dong ditch, I like that. That is. Yo, I saw a tortoise dong recently. Have you seen this thing? A tortoise's penis? Yes, dude. They're like 800 years old.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Dude, this thing looks like an alien. Look up tortoise cock.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. And search for videos. Don't search for videos. Yeah, no, no, no. That's where I saw it, and it was crazy. What website were you on? I don't remember where it was, but I saw it. Tortoise. He's typing in... Well, here's the thing. First of all... We just found out that ant can't spell. And you guys went to the same high school.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, this is not going to be able to be shown if we're going to put... Yeah, no, no, no. This is just for us. This is... Look at videos? Is that what you want? Is that his leg? No, well... Oh, my God. Is that his... That looks like a hoof. Dude, look up the video, dude. You really? Okay. Look up the video. What's happening in the video? It's just, it's doing its dong. What does that mean?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It's being a dong, dude. It's scary. Don't, I don't want to watch it. Oh! Get that off the screen. That's gross. Josh, don't put this in. Don't put this in. First of all, that title said WTF exclamation point wanking tortoise. What are you looking at? See that video. Just to make it very clear, that's not the video that I saw. Oh, you saw a different one of a tortoise's wiener. Different, yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
That is way bigger than I thought it was going to be, by the way. Yeah, yeah. But... What other ways are bad to propose? Disney is bad because you're both wearing Disney ears and they're trying to do it with the fucking castle in the background. Yeah. And listen, if you've gotten proposed in any of these ways and it's special to you, that's on you. We're just speaking for everyone else. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
What's the grossest hair? What's the grossest hair? I think nose is worse. If you see nose hair coming out like it's fucking stalactite, that's miserable. Stalactite is crazy. I don't mind that because I feel like I don't see really bad nose hair. You'd have to cut that because it would make you sneezy. Well, no. I think it's there and it's not making you sneezy.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm happy for you, but I... But I hate you. I would say no to you is what I mean. So that... You ever see the video? I mean, this is very, like, progressive, I guess. But they were in Disney, and it was a... I... Don't, don't. Just say it. A person. Two people. Yeah. Uh... You know, but they were proposing to each other. Good for them. I was like, what are the chances of that happening?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, any proposal, you imagine there's been, I shouldn't say any, the ones that are going to probably say yes, there's been conversation about like, what kind of ring do you want? What kind of, do you want a ring? What do you think about this? Like, bro, the people that just like say like, you know what? I'm just going to propose. Yeah. With no conversation. One, good on you. Two, you're an idiot.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Dude, people who get a no- I would literally, if I'm on a knee and the woman that I'm asking to marry me says no, I'm just going to stay there until I win her over. Is the relationship over? The relationship is definitely over. One. Two, I may not get up. I'm just probably going to sit. Just going to lie down right there?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm just going to sit, crisscross applesauce, and just wait for the wind to take me. Smart, honestly. Clean that up.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Don't worry. I'm on top of it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not getting up. I'm just going to be like, okay, I'm going to stay down here. You can go. You're free to go. Would you even ask why? Like, would you want, you wouldn't want any, because honestly, if I had proposed to Becca and she said no, I'd be like, why? That would be the first thing out of my mouth. Like, huh? I would honestly.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Or, yeah, definitely maybe a, what? You just did the most, like, anime, like, huh? Huh? Like, excuse? I would immediately think that I'm an idiot. Because I'd be like, I should have known this. You'd go into, like, full Dobby mode, like, Dobby's a bad elf! And, like, hit your head on the fucking floor. No! You know what I've been doing recently from Harry Potter? Just in my apartment.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It's been real fun in your apartment lately, huh? It has, dude. I have a lot of fun. First of all, don't talk to me. The person who talks to himself more than anyone I've ever met. First of all, yes. Second of all, you know what I've been doing? You just make noise. You know what I've been doing? You know what I've been doing? Tell me. I love these. Yeah, this is a good one.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Oh, you do that to your children, don't you? I do. I do this to Miles all the time.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Voldemort's back! Yo, did you ever hear Ariana Grande's impression of fucking Emma... Watson. Watson. Where she's like, Ron's been splinched!
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You know, she does a really good impression. I feel like we're going a little crazy. Okay. I think I'm more of, like, a... Like, it's an impression.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I wasn't like, oh, my God, that sounds like Emma. Like, you know? I thought it was pretty good. Yeah, good for her. But, yeah, proposing at theme parks, flash mobs, bad sports. Very bad. Any, like, choreographed dance... That's just bad. I don't like that at all. Because then how do you dance your way out of a no? You know?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You must know by the look in your girlfriend's eyes as you're dancing and being like, oh, fuck. She's not into that. I've made a grave mistake. You know? Like, you're, like, dancing, and she's just, like, horrified, and you're like... What do you mean we're not ready? She's like, I feel like she's not into this the way that I thought she was going to be.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I think we could work on it if that's something you want to do. If you're not ready, say that. But it feels like a hard no. Are you... Is this the end of us? Yeah. You would have to know. I've seen in movies people just being like proposing and they're like, what? Why? When? We should have talked about this. Bro, that's crazy. I think that if you propose and you get a no, you're an idiot.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It's when something gets in there that makes you sneezy. I hate back of the neck hair. Really? Yeah. Like when people are wearing t-shirts and it's like, dude, it's coming out the back of your neck. Really? Yeah. I hate that. Oh, I don't really care. I don't know how else to say that. Like hair, hair doesn't really bother me, but like nose would suck. That's hair.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You have to know that. I mean, no, there are people that are so stupid that they just don't get it. You know? I just feel like you have to have some sort of inkling, like, this isn't the time. If you have proposed to someone and they said, no, I'm not calling you stupid, but there are people that are stupid. I am not saying stupid.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm saying more either you're purposefully being oblivious or you're purposefully ignoring signs. Well, that is what a lot of people, like, a lot of people find it easier to just live in the delusion and world of the relationship in their own head than the reality of what it is. That's what you do, but not with your relationship, but with everything else, probably. What the fuck is that?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
What does that mean? Do you remember when we had that conversation where you're like, if I'm driving and my engine's making a lot of noise, but no light turns on, I'm just kidding. That's right. That's right, because it's a car. That's kind of the same thing. It is. There's no issue until you find out there's an issue. Hey, man. That's what I'm saying.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Dancing through life, skimming the surface, gliding where turf is smooth. Life's more painless for the brainless. You know what I'm saying? Why think too hard when it's so soothing? Dancing through life, no need to tough it. When you can slough it off, I do. Nothing matters and knowing nothing matters. It's just life. So keep dancing through. I'm going to have to hold up a Shazam.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
What's that from? High School Musical or some shit? That's from Wicked, bitch. Got it. That's not good. People are not going to like that. I didn't know that. We've looked up the worst ways to get engaged. Can you zoom in on this a little bit? Because I can't see. Are these other ones?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Oh, what about getting fired for the second time in one episode? How about that? Zoom in. What about people that do the proposal in the champagne glass or in a cupcake or a cookie or something like that? If I have to dig. First of all, if I'm buying a ring for thousands of dollars, I'm not putting it in champagne. It's not going in someone's mouth.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm not running the risk of someone eating it accidentally. Like, oh, it's in your steak. How funny would that be? If they ate it, I'm sure that's happened. I mean, of course, I'm sure it's happened. Bro, the person's like a dog. You have to put the pill in the steak and then give it to their dog. Or you put it in the champagne. It's like, now I have to fish this out. Of crap. Oh, of champagne.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I thought you meant like if they swallow it. No. Bro, could you imagine you buy an engagement ring? Also, what is the amount you should spend on an engagement ring? Is it still three months salary? Or three months pay? I don't know. Just get a lab, bro. Alright, you're obviously doing well for yourself, Mr. Durst. Roland just came out, you know?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You just released your new album, Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water. Right. Things are going well for you. Okay. What if in three months you make $100,000? No, I'm not. If I'm spending $100,000 on a ring, it's not going near anyone's mouth. Right. But I also like, I mean, I think you have to weigh the options.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I know, I'm saying, like, nose would be the one that I'd be like, alright, this kind of sucks a lot. So if someone walked up on you with a hairy ass nose, you'd be like, bro.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Like if you're going to get like an egregious ring, you're making your wife a target. Oh, okay. We were talking about eating cupcakes. This one says, my best friend swears he proposed by pretending to find a ring while eating out his girlfriend and asking her whose ring it was. He has never wavered from this story.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
If, first of all, you can ask the person that he allegedly did this to, did this actually happen? That's so fire because for him to just be like, oh. What the hell is this? What is that? How do you... It's like, look behind your ear. And also, ripping you out of the moment. The magic is gone.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Not only that, but I'm such a hypochondriac that I could be convinced that something came out of me, and then I'd be like, I'm going to the doctor. A fucking ring was in me. If someone ate you out and they found a ring, right? Yeah, if someone was eating my butt and was like... I would think that someone put a ring in my food, and I ate it. And you shit it out? Yeah. In their face? Yeah. Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'd be scared, dude. At the wedding you threw them? At the surprise wedding. Oh, that's another one. When people propose at someone else's wedding. That is so insane. Yeah, I would be a little... I'd be... I mean, listen. If someone came to me and said, like, I'm thinking about doing this, and I thought on it, I was like, all right, go for it, that's different.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But if they didn't tell anyone and they just did it? First of all, I'd be like, I'm going to hit you. Don't get engaged at my wedding. I know. I would say no, but like... Maybe it's like a real thoughtful moment where, you know. I mean, wait 24 hours, do it at the brunch. How about that? I'm just saying, some people do allow it to happen. I know.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But if they just don't even say anything and they're like, I'm just going to do this. That's insane. That's crazy. What else do we got? Show her the ring, then put both hands behind your back. Say, pick a hand now. Oops, wrong hand, no proposal this time. If someone ever does that.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, I just want to know. You got the Fred Durst thing going on? I do, I guess. I mean, it's not a bad thing, just live it up, you know? You also, I could have swore you went to a Camp Rock trivia because Nick Jonas and you... You've re-sparked the conversation of looking like twinsies. Because we have the same jacket. And you guys have the same face. So I've heard. Can you sing like him?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I mean, if it's just you two and, like, you talked about it, that's sweet. Like, then it's magical for your moment, but, like... Yeah. Yeah, then you're putting the person in the position of, like, if they say no, they might end up overboard. I think that everyone... My actual opinion is that everyone should get engaged in a way that is special as a couple.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Don't do anything that's like, well, I like this, so we're gonna do it here. Like, find something that works for you. And if that's fucking Disney and you're both holding churros and that's what it is, fine. Yeah. Not for me. Honestly, a proposal, like, the moment it's going to happen should be a surprise, but, like, the way it's happening should be discussed. In some way. In my opinion.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You know, like, at least... Get an inkling. Get an idea. Listen, every couple... I don't say this. I'm not gonna say every couple.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
The way the Beck and I did it when we were approaching like that's the next logical step is getting proposed You know getting engaged getting married having a family There's a lot of conversation that goes into it like at least on our end like we were open So we were just like rings, and we talked all that out Then the like then the little minute details you could figure out but like the larger stuff like bro if I was could you imagine if
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Becca doesn't, like, the idea of her getting on a stage would maybe scare her a little bit. Could you imagine if I proposed to her on stage at, like, Radio City? Like, the pressure you're putting on that person is crazy.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, I mean, at that point, if I'm... See, that's why I think that's a bad idea, because I would never want to put someone in a position where they feel like they can't say no if they needed to say no. Yeah, exactly. Because, like, oh, so many people are watching. Like, I'd rather just, like... Yeah. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
She said yes, thank God. And also, I think he told us in communication, we've discussed weddings and marriage as it's going to happen. She just doesn't know when. Got it. Dude, can you imagine? First of all, selfishly, if she did say no, the show would have been probably a lot better. Selfish. This is real. When we were planning it, we said, like... We, like, stopped for a second.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
We were like, oh, my God, what if she says no? And then me, you, and Greg at the same time went, that would be hysterical. That would be awesome. That would be awesome. Yeah, it would be not good for the dude, and I would feel really bad for him, but... That would be crazy. It'd be funny because we'd be like, we still had the graphic ready to go. Congrats. You know, like, she said yes. Right.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
She didn't. And then, like, the champagne was coming out. Yeah, we're like, oh, we got champagne. Man, that's tough. Good times. I would feel really bad. Really good times. This just says at a funeral, bro. You're not getting engaged at a funeral. That's insane. Dead body in the room and you're going to be like, hey, you want to do this? Till death do us part?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I could see something romantic about it. About getting engaged at a funeral. Yeah. Like if it's like, you know, me ma went down and it's just like. When one door closes. When one door closes, another one opens. I can't. I cry at everyone's funeral. Really? Everyone? Yeah. Like people I don't even know. Do you cry at mine? Bananas question. That's crazy.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Because he's very like, you know, like. He's got a falsetto on him that I don't think that I have.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, I don't like, will it be a point where like, are you going to do the old man route? Like we had a lot of good memories and I have nothing to cry about because we have a lot. Well, I don't sound like that. Well, you might. Hopefully, we're going to live very long. Right. Your accent doesn't change.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, right? Yeah, I don't know. What's an old man voice?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, you know? Sure. Are we doing the show at that age?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Can you imagine we're 70 doing this show? I take off my oxygen mask. Hey, Joe.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It doesn't age. It will be sitting over there. I'd be like, I got fired nine times this month. I would never be able to... I've been at our friend's grandparents who I've never met wakes, and I've been crying. Yeah, I get choked up. Choked up is a better... I'm not sobbing, but I'm definitely like... I have to breathe more.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Fighting a cry in your face... You fight your face when you don't want to cry. There's a weird part of me that likes the back of the throat cries coming. I do that when I can feel it. It's back there. I also like collecting tears in my eyes so that when I blink, it just goes. Oh, you like to engineer your cries. Only when I'm watching movies. Oh, just like let it go, let it go, let it go, bang.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
High, high pitch. Is that alto? No. Baritone is. And then falsetto is like. Yeah, exactly.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And then like at the right time. Yeah, like I'll stop myself from blanking because I know if I blank, it'll probably get like a tear, but like a whack tear. Like I'm trying to get a big fuck. Listen, I love crying. I'm more afraid of being accused of crying when I'm not because it's like, no, this doesn't deserve a cry right now.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Like we were watching something, Beck and I were recently watching something and like I like wiped my eye because I was tired and yawning. And it wasn't a cry tear. You think I'm not a... I'm very comfortable to say if it was a cry tear. Clearly not. You just said you hate when people say, I'm not crying. This doesn't deserve a cry. Well, yeah. When it's not a cry, I'll say it's not a cry.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Why does that offend you so much? Toxic masculinity. No, that's not... Bitch, my masculinity is so sweet and supple. It's not toxic at all. Drink it and it'll be good for you. Ew.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, that was kind of disgusting. It just sounds like sweat. I haven't cried in a while.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Trees? Tires. Tires? Like toxic masculinity? I didn't say toxic. Oh. Masculinity. What does it taste like? Wood? I would say, yeah, it tastes like the way that wood chips smell. Like sawdust?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Do not look that up. Please look that up. But I don't know that you can eat wood. I think you could take a little, like a spoonful of sawdust and be okay. Probably could, but it would be very dusty. It would be like doing the cinnamon challenge, but with wood. I mean... And also, I don't want to shit wood. Why not? What if it's really good for you? Eating wood? Yeah, what if it's really good?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
There's no question it's not. Why not? Because we've run tests. We're humans. Are you sure? I'm positive that... Tell me about those tests, then. Frank, you don't think I've read all the clinical trials of eating wood? I do not think you have read all the clinical trials about eating wood. Yeah, I don't think there's any, but... I mean, honestly, just look up can you eat wood.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Have you ever put dirt in your mouth? Yeah. Is it bad? Yeah. It doesn't taste good? It tastes like dirt. It tastes like just like sediment and sand. I've put rocks in my mouth when I was younger. Yeah. Rocks taste good. I can't lie. Well, I don't know about good. No, you should not eat wood because it's difficult for humans to digest. Okay, so maybe we shouldn't eat wood.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
He needed Google to tell him that. He couldn't believe me. rocks though rocks I love how rocks don't eat rocks don't eat them but they look delicious but when you're younger and you put a rock in like a little lip like a zin like a rock you're packing lips of fucking pebbles Yeah, I used to roll up roly-poly-olies that have a rock in my face. The late 90s, man. What a good time to be alive.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Sniffing markers, licking markers. And glue. When I was younger. You were just doing drugs for kids.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You were doing kid drugs. Markers and glue. I remember being young and being in the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror and holding out my tongue and taking an orange washable marker and drawing on my tongue. And? Nothing. No. I mean, it had like a whack taste. You recently put paint on your mouth. Did you get any with that? I put it on my lips. Did you? I didn't like that.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It wasn't a good feeling. It wasn't a good feeling, but I did it. And you regretted it? You live and you learn. Yeah. The important thing is that we're learning, and that's it. That's it? That's it. Live and learn.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. Wow. Okay. There we go. Everyone like that joke? Let's wait for the laughter to die down. Yeah. I saw that because someone tweeted me. They were like, you're never going to beat the allegations because we're both wearing the same Knicks jacket. Yeah. I mean...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Well, we're going to leave you with that, folks. Frank, where can they find you? Everywhere.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
All over the place? Yeah, all social media. You guys go follow me at JoeSanagato. Go follow the show on TikTok and Instagram at TheBasementYard. And if you're coming to any upcoming shows, the ones in Vancouver or the ones in the UK and Ireland, those are different things, which I've been told in my DMs a little sometimes by angry Irish people. You guys can go to TheBasementYard.com slash submit.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
If you want to be a part of the show, submit your stuff, and we like to get a bunch of responses so you can pick the best ones and have a good time. Yeah, yeah, I'm excited. So, yeah, hit them with your sign-off. All right, all right, all right. Hey, it's warm down here. Come back sometime. Bad? I thought you were signing off. Yeah, that's it.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
So we're staying in the basement, and they're going upstairs. Yeah, yeah. We'll be here in the basement. Come on down when you want to talk again. No? All right. See you guys next time. We'll be playing in the basement. What did you say? We'll be playing in the basement. It'll be just us and you. We're 33, so that's crazy to say.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
The Jonas Brothers are Jersey trash? That's awesome. Well, why do you have to do that, Joey? That's how you're speaking about my children, too. They also... And my wife! I'm pissed for everyone! And you, let's not forget. Well, technically I'm not Jersey trash. I mean, you're grandfathered in, I think. Oh, I've only been there a couple years, and now you're grandfathering me into the trash?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I'm just going to wear a backwards hat. Backwards hat. Just start, you know, telling people, break yourself. I can get a little, what's that called? A soul patch?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
some fuckery and chicanery, but I want to make it very clear. I was very upset about it. And you know me, I like to keep an even keel when I'm talking to like people in like customer service. I don't like being, I have, I feel too bad because I know they have a hard job, but like I was, I was letting them have it. Why did your license get suspended?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Something to do with insurance where like I had before the pandemic started back five years ago, I had switched, like started the process of switching my insurance over, but then the DMVs and everything just shut down. Thank you. Like New York, New Jersey, like you couldn't get in touch with anyone. Uh-huh. So they just suspended my license without telling me. That's fire. Was it? No. It wasn't.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And I was really fucking pissed off. Well, you got pulled over and they were like, your license is suspended. No, I don't. Get the fuck out. I don't know. You know, I like how because I'm a brown man that that's the first place that you would go. Brown is crazy.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Tan. Well, it's the winter, so you're more just like. I'm darker than you. How hard is that? I'm fucking. You're Fred Durst. Yeah. No, it was, uh, I don't remember how I found out. I think I called them, because I got a letter in the mail or something like that. And it was like, yo, you're suspended. I don't remember, but I remember I was. You've been suspended from school? Almost.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
No, no, no. It's like a, not a goatee. It's like a landing strip, but on your face. Landing strip? Remember when the landing strip was popular with vaginas? Yeah, I did it one year. You don't have a vagina. I know, I don't. Wait, you had a landing strip? Yeah. For your pussy? I don't, let's make something very clear. I know, your man, your... My boy, my... Boy pussy, your pussy.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Wait, you said you told someone they smelled? No, so. Give us the abridged. The abridged. Here's the abridged.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I was in our, like, tech class, and what we had to do was we had to, like, use – like, we were learning coding and, like, building websites and shit like that. And we were in a group, and you can look at people's stuff from other groups and comment on it, like feedback and shit like that. Okay. And I – Recipe for disaster.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. I will say this. At the time, I didn't have a good reputation. Yeah, this is the pinnacle of Prank Frank. Yeah, Prank Frank was out in full force. And I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and I left my computer open. Because it was one of those things where they'd wheel in the laptops and you'd... Yeah, yeah. And I left it open.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I went to the bathroom, but my defense was it was when you had to sign out. Remember our teachers made us do that? They were just like, you have to sign your name when you're leaving and when you're coming back. Like, they fucking police us. Prison shit.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
It made sense, though, because people were pissing all over the toilet paper in the bathrooms. Um... Yo, I have thrown toilet paper soaking wet out the ceiling. We used to do that together in elementary school. That's a fun thing to do. Oh, wet paper is so sick.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
When you're younger and you're walking into the boys' bathroom and you're like, yo, let's just have fun, and you crumple up a bunch of paper, you soak it, and you throw it against the ceiling. Nothing better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it just starts dripping. That's how we had fun. It was fun. In boys' bathrooms as kids. I never shit on the ground or pissed all over the soap.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah, no, no, no peeing in soap. I knew people that did that. That's why I was very upset about it. I never pissed in the sink. I spit in the sink. I spit in the sink. I didn't piss in the sink. I didn't piss in the soap. You ever shit in a urinal? I've never crapped in a urinal.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
People have to piss in that. Well, people have to clean it. I'm not worried about peeing on something. Oh, you just piss the crap away. Yeah, I mean, eventually, yeah. That's what you would do.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
You'd be a hero. You piss the crap away. Right, yeah. But I went to the bathroom, and while I was gone, someone on my computer wrote to somebody else, you smell.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
And it's what, I don't know what this says about me. Who was the girl? Did she stink? She must have stunk if she's like... I don't remember her smelling. You smell. I don't remember if she smelled. I mean, clearly she's self-conscious about that. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't... I'm not trying to victim... I mean, I guess I am. That's exactly what you're doing. I'm victim-blaming here.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But, like, that seems pretty light. Yeah. And that was my argument during the hearing. Your argument wasn't, it wasn't me?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
The other one was... If I'm going to insult someone, you said that? She's like, yo, I can do much better than you smell. I swear to God. I said I was just like, yeah, if I insulted someone, it would be a little bit more elaborate than you smell. Elaborate. It would. What grade was this? Seventh? Eighth grade.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Okay, yeah. And my dad came in. It was a whole big ordeal. I've told this story probably on the show. Wow. Yeah, it was something. But you smell, you know? But they let you stay. Bro, eighth grade is too late in life. Wait, were you ever like... Did you get in-house suspension?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Dad, I got in-house suspended a few times, which is just they sit you in a room and they put like... these, like, walls, so you can't, like, look at everyone, and then you have to do, like, work the entire day, and they let you go to the bathroom twice a day. Sounds like solitary confinement. Basically.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
That's a different, that's your asshole. Yeah, when I was like 18, I would shave a landing strip. I don't know why. I know that you've done other stuff, so what else have you done? I did an F. You shaved an F into your pubes? Yeah. Long time ago. Long, long, long, long. That doesn't help.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
They only let you go to the bathroom twice a day? Yo, I never fucking got that. I never fucking understood that. Teachers hate when you go to the bathroom. I mean, granted, that's where shit goes down, let's be honest. Like, literally and figuratively. But...
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
But, like, teachers would be like, you have one trip to the bathroom per day, and it's like, bro, what if I'm just, you want me to piss and crap everywhere? I wonder what it's like in schools now, because you remember it's like, oh, I gotta go to the bathroom, and they're like, here, take this, and it's like a full chair attached to a key. And I'm like, why does it have to be a giant lock?
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Or even worse, and I hope they still don't do this, even worse, they would be like, alright, pick someone to go with you. What is that? And then we'd get up and we'd go, hmm. And obviously every time we picked each other. Right. And if you did pick somebody else, I was pissed about it. I know, I was going to hear about that for a year.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Yeah. But like... Like we were in a school dude. I totally handled this by myself the bathrooms down the hall It's not like fucking across the street. Yeah, I don't know your sense It made no sense like take someone with you in case you fall in like why am I taking a spotter? I'm taking a shit. Yeah, I don't want I don't know schools were crazy never dumped in school
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
We really should get one of our old teachers on this show and see if we can ask them, like, why did you do this? I don't think that any of our teachers will remember specific things about us. I hope they do. I would like to think they did. It was fucking 25 years ago. Yeah. I mean, you know, they tend to remember memorable students.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
Do you know that when I was in middle school, In seventh and eighth grade, I was cool with our vice principal. Yeah, I was cool with the staff, too. I would get sent to her office all the time, and she was very nice to me. And I thought that we had a good rapport. And I wasn't emotionally stable back then. So I would just get very angry very quickly. Oh, like you had a temper? Yeah.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
I wouldn't define you as ever having had a temper. I did then, and I don't even know why. It's hysterical because you were also the smallest little puniest little baby boy at the time. So like, who were you scaring, bitch? I wasn't trying to scare anyone.
The Basement Yard
#490 - The Worst Ways To Propose
One more time. One more time. Do me... This is me in seventh grade. All right, what are you mad about? Give me the scene. Someone's accusing me of something, but I didn't do it. Accusing you of what? I need to know exactly what. Stealing someone's backpack. Stealing someone's backpack? Or smaller? Something that you might... Pencil. Okay, all right. Go ahead.