Ari Matti
Appearances
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
A friend of mine got cheated on by his girl. Very sad. And he found out that she cheated the only way men find out that they've been cheated on. She told him. Let's be honest, men ain't figuring shit out. We don't notice when you get a new haircut. You think I'm gonna notice a sparkle in your eyes? You think I'm gonna notice an overall glow about you?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Dude, I can't imagine how easy it is to cheat on a guy. I could come home, the other guy's in the closet. Smell of sperm is all across the apartment. I'll still be like, baby, what you cooking? Is that full? You could have the other guys cum fall out of your pussy, I'll be like, holy shit, I'm killing it. I'll tell my friends, my baby girl cum white, dude.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Cheating on a woman though, different story. They can tell. Even if they don't have evidence, they'll just look at you, fucking... You'll just fucking... Dude, if you want to cheat on a woman, you got to meet that other bitch in, like, Guadalajara with a fake passport. You got to destroy the evidence after. You got to fucking... You might have to drown that bitch. You might have to...
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You might have to drown her in the lake. Like, sorry, mamacita. But the bitch will know. Lo siento, mi amor. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, my life, dude, 12 fucking years. Nobody wanted me. The festivals didn't want me. Fuck JFL. I hope you fucking burn to hell.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
They did, by the way. They went bankrupt. Somebody bought him. I hope he dies, too. I've auditioned to every fucking festival. I've been to London, Melbourne. Fuck you. Nobody wanted me. And then I finally found this motherfucking hardcore comedy community. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Like, you mentioned that, like, you're obviously like... In Austin, yeah, but I think it's like the Kill Tony fans, they're always so cool, you know? They wanna be cool. You know, they don't wanna run up. The guys are always weird, you know?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Men always after shows in the corner. That was a great new tag. I noticed you were fucking... That was a great new tag.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Fuck, I even, fuck, I'm blanking what he's done. He's something with money. But he's, okay. In the government. No, he's in the fucking European whatever commission.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I know everybody's been sending me this fucking meme this whole week.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I mean, in modern-day politics, you gotta stand out. Yeah. Yeah. He has a really hot girlfriend, too. Bang him!
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It is a crazy haircut, but if you're in front of a commission from a small country that nobody gives a fuck about, this is a great start. You gotta stand out.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, this is the prisoner, right? Yeah, that's the guy over there. I thought, and yes, you are very... Very prison.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Killers of Kill Tony, amazing, you know? Yeah, yeah. Dude, we go out sometimes to party. Dude, you should check out the crew we go. It's David Jolly, me, and Martin Phillips. These bouncers don't know what the fuck kind of Avengers are walking in. Just a fucking... The blackest guy you've ever seen. A fucking Nazi and a cripple.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's like a... It really... It's like a fucking anecdote when we just walk into bars. Yeah. And I love the way they look at Martin from the distance. They're like, what the fuck? How fucked up is this guy?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'm pretty progressive. Like, I watch... Like, I can imagine a black guy. Like, if... I can watch... Wow.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I am white. Can you watch a black guy just destroying a white girl and imagine you're the guy? I can. Oh, you can do that?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Son of a bitch. But the classic thing is that, like, it gets the... The more you're scrolling, the harsher it gets. Like, the more tabs, you know. You know when the tabs, there are no letters anymore, just these fucking... And you're just looking for the one, dude. Then it gets pretty dark.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
One crazy- Well, you know, all the chicks are crying. Perfect.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You know, all the chicks are like, help, help, help. The doors are locked. It's dark. It's a fucking storage unit with a couch. Dudes have sneakers on.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What's up? Sorry, I'm a little on edge. There's no porn in Texas. Give me back my porn! I'm a little on edge. Don't look at me weird when I'm in the bush waiting now. I gotta get my release. I love how some of my friends are like, yeah, you can watch porn in Texas. All you gotta do is get a VPN. Yeah, I'm just trying to beat my dick. I'm not Edward Snowden.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'm trying to get my belly button full of cum. I'm not trying to rig an election. Dude, the first time you go to watch Pornhub in Texas and you see that fucking message come up, it's fucking weird. You got your lotion ready, dick hard. All of a sudden you're like elected officials. Legislation. And I've read the whole message.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
If you scroll to the bottom of that message, you actually find out that you can watch Pornhub in Texas. All you gotta do is get age verification. And that means you gotta send a picture to Pornhub of your face holding your ID. Yeah! I'm not gonna do that. It's not like the porn I watch is illegal, but I definitely need to explain it. Thank you so much.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Dude, I'm like 15 again. I jack off to GIFs on Twitter now.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Dude, all I need is three pictures, I'm good. Fucking dark out here. It is. In the dark web.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Holy shit, no. But I do remember when I was younger, I would watch like UFC and porn just back to back. I gotta tell you, it really fucked my brain up. Because now I can't come without Joe Rogan yelling.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Dude, the amount of times I get the question, are you really gay, from dudes on these Killers of Killtone, it's the number one question. Yeah. Nobody gives a fuck about my visa. Everybody cares about... And by the way, if you ask me whoever is gay, I'm going to say he's gay. Just so you know.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
They did that too, just grown men. No job, no nothing. When I went to Philadelphia, I'm a big sauna guy. There's no saunas in Austin. I'm a big sauna guy. And I was trying to find these Russian saunas. In America, all the saunas, like, the number one struggle is if I can tell if it's a gay sauna, because the gay people, like, own saunas here, huh?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So then I just had to go to, like, I found, like, a sauna place near the hotel, but I was fucking lurking outside just to see, like, who walks out, you know?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
But I didn't go in. I was scared. Because I saw two guys come out. At the same time? Yeah, and they were like... Like, I'm happy after a sauna, but they were... Just a bit too loose, you know? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We have some... We have, like, a couple of porn movies that are pretty dark, um...
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Most porn comes from Ukraine. You know, Ukraine is like number one. Number one, baby. Porn, porn, porn. All the webcam girls, they're all Ukrainian and shit.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I don't know. I think just the chicks are hot. They're clever, you know?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
There's that too, yeah. I want to look into their eyes for too long, you know what I'm saying?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You know, like if you would see the porn, like... Yeah, I know. Like, you know, when you watch porn with your girl, you're not going to put on the porn you actually, you know. Right.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I've, like, we've all done that. Traveling beautiful woman.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Give us a little taste. It depends on, like, what's... Do you watch any of our stuff?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Howdy. A little bit about myself. Watch a lot of porn. You guys watch porn? Yes? Good, good, good. I mean, I'm not watching so much porn that, like, I'm commenting on the videos. Yeah. But I'm reading the comments. That's kind of where I'm at. You know what? The one thing I do like about porn, the one thing I do like about porn, nobody, and I mean nobody, is ever like, the book is better.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I do like that about porn. Nobody's like, Ass Blasters 3 was better in the magazine, right? I like doing a lot of porn jokes, mainly because I'm a millennial. You know what I'm saying? We're not sensitive about sex, but we're sensitive about other things, right? If you want to describe millennials, we're kind of like the generation of eating ass. and peanut allergies. That's, that's us.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
What you gotta hope, hopefully those two rows don't cross, right? That's like Tony having to go to the hospital because Red Band ate a peanut butter sandwich, you know?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
But that just happened like two months, I just moved here like two months ago, so yeah.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I've done enough shows. I mean, before I moved into the place, I saved a bunch of money. How much exactly did you save?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
What should I do? Well, I definitely advise not to do stand-up comedy.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
The guy's blind and is like, don't do stand-up comedy. Yes, 100%. Okay, you stated the very obvious there. How much, wait, no, I'm curious. How much money do you make doing stand-up comedy, Tony? Okay, all right. Is it $3,000 a month?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I had a fucking orange and a bunch of grapes, actually. I just drove from Dallas. I was doing a show there, drove here. All that you ate today was an orange and a bunch of grapes.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Where were you last night at 2 a.m.? I was at the Capitol, dude. I fucking... Yeah, no. I just drove here. I got super drunk last night after the show.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I took the bus last week and I sit in the back of the bus and I think I'm alone on the bus until at one point I look to the front and there's another guy there and he has the down syndrome. I'm not saying nothing bad about him. He just got it. And he notices me too. And he starts playing the game with me of whoever looks away first is a pussy. And you know me, dog.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
If you want to fuck with me, I'll fuck you back. So I stare this motherfucker down. And we keep going. I miss my stop. Now who's retarded, huh? And it was one of those buses, you know where the middle part has this slinky accordion? So every time the bus would turn, me and my guy would lose each other. And then every time it straightened out. There he is.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
The only moment when he broke eye contact was because in one of the bus stops from the middle door, a lady enters the bus and she has, I don't even know how to say this, but she's got... They were so big that the tits were on the bus. She almost missed it. You know what I'm saying? And me and my guy, we like both at the same time, we like both look at the tits.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And brother, when we looked back at each other, The connection we had? That's how perverted men are. It's in our DNA. Because I got a high school diploma and he thinks mirrors are another room. But at that point, we were both like... So ladies, get those milkers out and bring this country together. Thank you so much. Proof.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I was listening, but I had to go. I had to walk. Yeah. Dude, I was starting to bomb. Like, you know when you listen to comedy, you're like, what is stand-up even?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, it was crazy hot, the crowd. You get a bit too confident up there, maybe, you know, after some shows. It is ridiculous. I didn't like the Denver airport, though. You know an airport where you take a flight and then you gotta take a train? Bro, we flew 1,800 miles. Can we fly two more?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I can feel the energy. Hey, don't you guys think James looks like a cute dog with glasses?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I appreciate it. Which one of us is going to get a green card first, huh?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
How crazy for the girlfriend, huh? Dude, I saw you have a panic attack there.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Shut up, bitch! It's my time. So I've been trying to assimilate, fit in to the American culture. I've been trying to listen to some of your music. Last week I listened to a whole album of Taylor Swift. What a pile of shit, huh? How is she famous? How is she doing fucking stadiums in Shanghai? Who the fuck goes to these concerts? Jesus Christ, ISIS, pull your shit together. Bomb the concert.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How many letters do I have to write? ISIS hates women and gay people, dude. At a Taylor Swift concert? The homo per square meter? You blow up a Taylor Swift concert, next day, perfect society. It's like children's music, no? I have a t-shirt. What? If you're a grown woman and you listen to Taylor Swift and I fuck you, I should go to prison.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Cause I'm clearly banging a mentally challenged, retarded ass bitch. No wonder she's dating a football player, you know? Only a man with CTE, fucking. Those two retards at home. Thank you so much. That was my time.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
There's people that are truly... Taylor Swift started selling tickets after the vaccine.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
When I was young, it was Britney Spears. Britney Spears had an ass?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We're doing some of those killers of Kill Tonys, you know? Oh, I hung out with Cam's family. Yeah. Dude, he's got a crazy... This is a crazy family, huh? Oh, yeah. His dad is so funny. I call him Joe Jackson because he makes you work, huh? Dude, at one point we did the show...
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We did the show, we go to the green room and Cam just wants a second after he said, he just wants a second to sit down before he go outs for the meet and greet. And then his dad comes in the room, locks the door and goes, Cam, I gotta talk to you. Cam, there's a bunch of white people out there waiting. Get on out there and make us some money.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That's true. That's the way you can, that's the way when you're a black guy, you can get your dad to stick around. You gotta become a global superstar. He'll be around, you know what I'm saying?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It is a red shirt. I found it at a second-hand store in Schnecktadaddy.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I went to, yeah, upstate New York. Didn't know New York is that big. You know, I was... Dude, I was so excited to go to New York. In my head, I was like, I'm gonna be like, you know, just... And then we land in Schnecktadaddy and Binghampton, dude. I kept walking around Schneck the Daddy asking for people which way is Statue of Liberty.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Fuck this country's big. Where the fuck is Schnecktadaddy at? You haven't beat the chicken schnitzel?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Like, I asked a barista there, like a lady, I was like, so what do you... Because I was trying to figure out what the fuck, what is it? And I was like, so, like, what do you do here?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Thank you so much. Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Hello! Hello! Hello! I went to North Carolina Asheville this weekend. It got hit by a horrible hurricane. It looked like a post-apocalyptic movie. But then I went to the hotel room and I looked at Asheville before I gotta tell you, the hurricane didn't do that much. Even the hurricane was like, oh shit, somebody already did this. LA's on fire, LA, oh my God, so sad.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Where are the pedophiles gonna live now? Oh my God. Where are we gonna fuck the kids now? Eat my ass, LA! They asked me for a dollar at Whole Foods yesterday for the relief fund, LA. Eat my ass. Who's that dollar gonna go to? Mel Gibson? Fuck you. I don't feel bad for people who lost a house because I wish I had a house to lose. You know what I'm saying? I wish I got a new start.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I mean, I wish I had a start. That's probably the best part about being poor as shit, huh? And renting, I don't give a fuck. If I go home after this gig and my apartment's on fire, the only thing I do is I put my hands out for warmth. I look at the landlord like, huh, I guess the lease is up now, motherfucker. A curse has been lifted. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
This is insane. I don't have a plane. This is the whitest foreigner I've ever met. He is. My love goes out to you. I'm sorry, I'm autistic. I'm autistic, I didn't know what this is. I'm sorry, I'm autistic. I don't know what this is. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, good. Actually, Asheville was super. It was actually a beautiful spot. I loved it.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yes, North Carolina. It was actually beautiful. Lots of hills, lots of pretty women, you know. Ooh. Those country girls, you know, with calluses. Wait, what was that? Oh, you could feel it. A rough hand job in Nashville. Oh, my goodness. A rough one. I love it. Wow. I needed some relief, too.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
And they have, like, thick necks. They do? A thick neck bitch. Yeah? Wow. I love a bitch!
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I remember. It was awesome. You did a lot of jokes. And then you left, by the way, you left boxes and boxes because my former manager, Luis, see ya. He's great. Shout out, Louis. I love you. He brought you out, and I remember you had a lot of merch that you just left. I've never seen a performer just, you left boxes. I left merch. Boxes? Don't do that. Boxes?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Dude, you left so many boxes of t-shirts. Dude, there's children in Estonia running around with fluffy t-shirts. Dude, there's... We gave out hundreds of t-shirts.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, if you go to a Gabriel Iglesias show, don't buy the merch. Just wait the next day. Near the arena back entrance. We give that shit away like we're in Africa, dude.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Hello. Hello. So I was trying to get some pussy. I went to a bar. They didn't have the balls to do nothing. I don't know how some guys do that. They just go to a bar and start just fucking. It's a numbers game, you know, those guys. I've never walked up to a girl at a bar. I always feel fucking creepy. Isn't it creepy? I feel creepy because we both know what I want.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Like every time I talk to girls at bars, I feel like America when you guys talk to the Saudis. Like we both know. I wanna drill the shit out of you. But we need to be diplomatic. Thank you so much. So much fun. Perfect.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Hello. All right. I love your book. Oh, my God. That's how we met, by the way, with the book.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I'm so happy for you bringing me over to this universe. Look at us now. Look at us now.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Tell me more about that. So how we actually met is I wanted to read. I'm actually, I know I don't look like it, but I actually read.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yes. I'm not a fucking nerd. Yeah, I read a book. No. I read a book like this. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Sometimes I change the cover of a book, you know? Like I put Dostoyevsky or something, but inside it's like the story of Bruce Lee or some shit, you know? And I tried to, yeah, I wanted to get that book when it came out, because I was like, oh my God, comedy, I love it.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And then there was no Amazon. I couldn't fucking get it. And I wrote to you on an off chance that the world famous Sam Tallent will respond. And I wrote to you like, maybe I can get a, I don't, I was just honest. I was like, I'm in Estonia. Don't worry about it. You know, we don't have Amazon. And then you just send me a free book.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And then a couple of months later, Sam is like, hey, I'm coming to Estonia. So I set him up for a few gigs. We had a great time. Went to a party. I DJed only for you and for you. I told Sam, like, the after party is going to be awesome. And it was me and him staring at each other. Literally.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And you played insane Eastern European techno. And you kept going, like, I got to go. And I was like, and the security guy locked the door. I was like, you ain't going nowhere. Where do you go, Cotton Nacho? Oh, yeah. It was...
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
yeah we've been friends ever since man and now you're over here and you're you're making hay as the sun shines upon you wearing green yeah by accident totally i don't i don't care about the patrick i don't care you had it's crazy the whole six streets full of with the patrick you know are you telling me you had no idea that it was no patrick's day you wore that there's no way you ran i swear to god you don't believe about saint patrick by accident
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
For Halloween, I wanted to be Kermit the Frog, so I just got the T-shirt. That's good enough.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Like, that's how I like to party. I do. One-on-one, yeah. I do. It was more intimate. I know, Americans love when it's like, oh, just fucking... Every time they go to a bar here, everyone's fucking up, going to your shit, dude. It was me and you, lovely. One bartender, one comedian, one DJ. What a party. Yeah. Wow.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Sometimes when I... We want to talk, I just pause the music, we talk, and then I continue.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. Because you go out here, music is... Am I older? Music is too loud, you know? Everywhere I go, music too fucking loud. Can't talk.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Well, I don't know. I've been, you know, traveling. Oh, okay, okay. I have something stupid that happened. I went to a hotel. Okay, St. Petersburg, Florida. See, I never knew... I've never been to Florida. I mean, we went with you to Orlando, but it was, you know, it was what I expected, very. So I expected all of Florida to be like, have you been to St. Petersburg? Of course. So beautiful.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
The original is a dump, dude. And by accident, there was some fucking fest... Every time I go to a fucking place, there's a festival, and there's no fucking rooms for the hotel. So I got a hotel. I thought it was a deal. I go to the hotel, and I find out it's, like, a gay... hotel.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I walk in... I couldn't immediately tell that it's gay, but they were very happy to have me, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I bet. Like, yeah, I've never had such excitement when I walk into a hotel, you know. They were ready to check me in, you know what I'm saying?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And I don't know, like, I didn't even know, like, that fucking... I'm sure Estonia has a fucking gay hotel somewhere, but it's, like, underground with a secret fucking... It's not on booking.com, you know?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Dude, when I checked in, yeah, it was crazy. They asked me, like, what kind of room you want, and I started planning. I was like, fuck, I got to stay here all night. So I took, like, third floor. I was like, give me the back corner. My theory was, like, if I'm in the back, far away from the elevator, when the suck and fuck starts happening, you know? When they start to fuck room to room, you know?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. And then there were two more rooms to the corner, 369, and then I realized, holy shit, gay guys, they'll never quit before they hit 369. Dude, I stayed out all night in Florida. I even went to the hotel late because I was, like, hoping they'll fucking fall asleep.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah, dude, I went there 3 a.m. Prime City, dude. Because I saw them printing one key card, like they gave me one key card, but I saw them printing seven, you know what I'm saying? They were up to something. And then, dude, gay shit was everywhere. So I go to my room, there's like a picture of four chicken and I'm like, oh my God, look at these chicken.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
But then I realized, no, it's cock, you know? Oh, my God. Three different types of lotion. Three different lotions. Aloe vera, some natural shit, and some shit from China that didn't come off. You know what I'm saying? Dude. This is incredible. No, everything gay. Gay guys on the walls, in the shower. They're like, did you get the soap? Like a picture. I took pictures. I'll show you later.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
The bed was gay? What? The bed was gay? The bed, yeah. I mean, I was scared. Everything was sticky as shit.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It was a hard bed. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, guys, our knees can take a pounding, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. We don't need to be soft, you know? Yep. But I do have to say... What? I do have to say... At some point, I did go down to the bar where all the gay guys were hanging out. I gotta say, it was a wonderful time of my life.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Because usually you go to bars, you're scared you're gonna get your ass beat or something. Dude, all I got was a shower with compliments. That's right. Free drinks, a smooch. Things were wonderful.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Hey, hey. Bam. Check this shit out, huh? You like this? I was in front of the mirror today and I was practicing my kicks. Don't you guys think it kind of looks like I'm a Nazi who's got his hands full? But he sees Hitler walking, he's like, ah! I've always been flexible. And when you're flexible as a guy, the number one question you get is, can you suck your own dick? Now, we've all tried it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Every guy here, even before you could read, you were like... Infinite energy.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And I gotta tell you, I'm pretty close. I can... I can, like, tongue the tip. I can like clean myself off, you know? Get some of that cheese. Oh yeah, I've tasted my own cum, fuck you, it's delicious. I love when women are like, cum is disgusting. You bitches do know that what you have down there ain't no creme brulee either. At least my shit has protein and the future.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Come is disgusting is a pretty pretentious thing to say when I have a mouthful of piss, huh? I was telling my friend John that I'm pretty close, and my friend John literally looks me in the eyes and he goes, Ari, that's because you're doing it wrong.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
way you're supposed to do it is you go on your back and you throw your legs over your head and now you let gravity like a oil rig and i was like john i'm not gonna do that because what if my roommate walks in At least with this, when he walks in, I get to be like, lol, tried it. But if you walk in and I'm full Richard Simmons, getting physics involved, that's at least a conversation.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Good. I got this fucking T-shirt. Check this out. Boom. Security unit. Uh-oh. I stole it from Walmart. What are you going to do? Shoot me? See this shit? What is that? I mean, yeah. And the thing went off. Beep, beep, beep. The security guy just looked at me like, boop.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah. I mean, it was actually, I was buying a PlayStation controller and it was way overpriced and in the website and I make my own little math, you know?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No, I mean, we haven't had a lot of time. We were born in 1991. Give us some time, Tony. I'm working on it, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Okay. Okay. Which one of you bitches do I gotta marry to get this fucking passport, huh? Can be a guy too, I don't give a fuck. I don't care about the gender, I care about the documents. I'll easily suck dick for freedom, you know what I'm saying? And listen, I'm like a professional immigrant. I know everything about visas. I watch 90 Day Fiance like it's game tape, dude.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
The key that I've learned, the key is pregnancy. That's why Texas is perfect. No abortion? Sounds like a guarantee! Who's trapping who, bitch? But to be fair, knowing my luck, it would be very me that I do get someone pregnant here, but then it turns out she's also an illegal immigrant. now we give birth to a mexican estonian the most useless passport in the world Thank you very much. Hey, hey.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I love a badmint. I don't know. What are some big Estonian sports? They don't have badmint in there? No, we have like, oh, this. Oh, my God. One time I said on this podcast that we don't have any athletes and all the Estonians lost their mind. We have a female disc golf. Oh, what a sport. Yeah, this is a big disc golf crowd. What a stupid sport.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah, it's boring. I think it's cool. Walk around in nature like an asshole with my little discus. Even Red Band just said he thinks it's a cool sport. Yeah, of course Red Band loves that sport. It's all in the wrist.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I got my first BB gun. Oh, shit. You can just get them at the store. It's crazy, huh?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Great question, Joe Biden. He's from Estonia. Hey, Joe Biden, can you take a moment from pardoning rapists and give me this fucking passport?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
How do you think this looks for your... Well, I'm nervous about his immigration policies, so I don't know how this will be. The inauguration is on my birthday, though, so very exciting day for all of us, huh? Yeah, absolutely. I do love that Tony keeps saying, we got you, and that the visa things are fine. I haven't got an email, Tony. It's okay. March 15 is coming up.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll tell you. So I was having a great day, you know, scrolling on Instagram. You know, I was following some titties, you know. Yeah, titties. Yes, Michael gets it. One straight guy. What, you guys don't like titties? And I follow a lot of, you know, bitches with titties. So I follow this one girl. I've been following her for a few years, apparently, you know.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And she comes up on my feed. She's a cutie patootie. And I do the usual thing. I'm not a pervert, so I don't message them. I do the usual thing. You scroll like a few pictures, you know. Not all the sexy ones, maybe a few ones with the dog to let them know I like you as a person, you know. You like their photos. Yeah, you scroll back a little. And because I'm verified, it comes up like, you know.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So then she ruins my day. This is what she writes to me. She goes, wait, I'll find it.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. She writes me a DM. She goes, fuck you, you asshole, you weirdo. You're only liking my pictures since I developed anorexia again. So I wrote back, when does it kick in? Don't step into the snake pit if you don't want to get bit, bitch. Then... No, no, no. This is what she writes before she reported me. She goes, you... She goes, you ruined my day, you piece of shit.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Fucking rude, bitch. I was trying to be nice. I didn't know you have fucking anorexia. Fuck you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah. It ruined my day. I'm not a pervert, you know. I'm a nice guy. I just like your pictures. Also, yeah, you post big titties. Of course I'm going to follow. Fuck.