Ari Matti
Appearances
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I'll go on there. What's your name on there? I'll find you on there. What's your name?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I took it out of my coat pocket and acted like it was a pocket square. And then your brother fucking stonewalled me, so I did it to him, and then I ate the piece of bread afterward, and he was like, oh, hell!
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I remember. Good Lord, covered in sorghum. That's a fucking funny bit.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It's eight and a half hours or one Montgomery family sing-along. Yep, we have really long sing-alongs.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, you're doing a lot of yes-ing. It's the and we have to work on. All right.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That's a funny thing to say right away. Sam's a huge football fan. I do. Peyton Manning fan.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Time for Red Band to pretend like he doesn't know what that is. Looking it up over here. Keep looking. Clips for sale.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Why not? Don't you want to make money? That's where the action is.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That's a good idea. Okay, yeah. Hey, I'm all about the money. If you can get some, get some.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Isn't that sexy? Whoa, you're really stretching out that sock. Well, there it goes. It's like watching a reverse birth.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Guys, I wish you could see this because you'd be incredibly not turned on or off.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I got an idea for you for a video. There's a room in the Holocaust Memorial of Washington, D.C. with just a bunch of shoes.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
When he was saying that, I just saw a bunch of fat dudes just kind of grabbing their arm in the audience.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
If it wasn't for Kill Tony, I probably would have. No, that's why I would have.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Because you didn't have a ramp to get in? No. This is pre-stroke.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Wait, buddy, I'm sorry. I got a question. These people said you could park your RV out back. Who stole your RV?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I've never seen a sadder, more positive guy in my life. It's amazing. Yeah. It's amazing.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Turn over a new leaf. I don't do that anymore. It's childish.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Thanks, buddy. It's hard to concentrate. I see a lot of cleavage right that way. It's going to be difficult.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That was a fun trick, wasn't it, Sam? Yeah, it's my favorite trick ever.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
T-Madness just challenged that fucking other retard to a fight.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You should talk to that stroke guy from earlier. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, we've exchanged numbers. That's good. What? What number is your weight?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Stop fixing it, you hoe. What's your OnlyFans? No? Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, fellas. I got it.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Do you regret... Go ahead. Do you regret eating Wonka's blueberry?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, no. I mean, I'm a big fat guy, but get it together, probably. You can't be chicken frying bacon. Do you want to be my life coach? No.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
shoes hey we should we should weigh the shoes first and then i'll get them i'll put them back on i'm gonna go three nine zero here okay i'll read it to you when you step on 420 for ari that's a safe bet i'll take the under i'll take 377 377 a very optimistic pick that is by the great sam talent
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I'll take the win, you know. At some point the scale said, what the fuck, man?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah. It said humans only. Oh my God. You should have taken your hat and glasses off. I know, man. Yeah. Have you ever weighed in nude? Yes. Yeah, that's fucked. I've done that.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, yeah. Because all the fucking young doctors come in to laugh.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It's fucked, man. Dude, you're 70 pounds heavier than you thought you were. Yes. Yeah. That is a big deal. That's one Tony.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It's been rough on the bones and joints, too. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so I'm not a doctor. My wife is. I'm just gonna tell you, you should avoid wicker furniture.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, but no tip, just shaft. Yes. Because there's no nipples over here.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Wait, even Dee Madness... What are you going to say? Even Dee Madness can't tell them apart.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I'm colorblind too, D. Yeah, we're all just human beings. Yeah, but how much do you have visual? Yeah, I have visual. Yes, sir. All right. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You're part of that bloodline, right? Yeah, we came a long time before things were recorded.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
What gave it away? The fat guy walking down the stairs. Is he still walking down? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I appreciate it. Your wife, for a living, is a retired chef?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Retired has a different meaning in this country. She's a part-time chef. Part-time, there you go. She's a chef who's on Smoko. That's good for me. I get it.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, you have like a Mitch Hedberg delivery, but like a fat Mark Norman face.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Maybe a little bit, yeah. It's a lot easier to go up after a human nothing, right? More like lean? No.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Have you made any friends out here? Are there other warlocks in town?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
If we had to guess which of these comedians was the up-close magician, it would have for sure been you. Yeah, no doubt about it.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Uh... Did she just avoid your advances by going like this?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
All right, well... That laugh and stare at you was pretty evil. He was like, ha-ha.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, yeah. What do you think you weigh? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah. Like a lot of tears or like an Indian that sees one piece of trash? Only when the door's closed.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I cry at movies, too. Schindler's List makes me cry. It does. I hate the ending. Fuck you, man. That's fucking bullshit.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
God. You're really making it easy on the comment section right now.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Because you guys can have spam, right? It's not real pork.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Barely. I paid $13 in taxes last year. I'm not happy about that. That's a waste of $13. Still kind of bothers me. I guess that would be the most Jewish thing about it. It still bothers me, the $13 I paid in combined federal and state taxes last year. Yes. I'm upset you brought that up, because I kind of buried that. That is more Jewish than me.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, they weren't prostitutes because they can't consent.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
You would think as a Jew you would want to sell them to Iran.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Is that why your last name is Z now? Because of all the genocide you committed?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
They just keep showing it from different angles. Look at the shadows. Where's the teeth, you know?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
A Jew rat is like saying an Italian Dago. All right. Are you scared that you just admitted this to millions of people?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I got nothing, fellas. Yes. That means you can't read and you're not allowed to read.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Is the gym just for petite brown people? Um... Oh, no. I said petite. Oh, my goodness. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
There was a guy up here who was eating Muay Thai earlier.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
And that homeless person was Hans Kim. Yeah, you were like, what am I going to do? How will I ever be able to remember all my genius musings? And it was mostly like when dad comes home, we have a song about it. That joke was in there?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That was your boyfriend? Yeah. Have you always been attracted to much older men?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I love America. Life is so good in America that you guys create your own problems. That's how cancel culture started. Bitches with blue hair with nothing to do. Can you believe what Tony Hinchcliffe said? Kill yourself, you miserable bitch. Life is good! Even me, couple of nights ago, I'm at home, it's 3 a.m., I'm fuckin'... By the way, this is how men look like when we jack off.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It's fuckin'... It's fuckin' dark, dude. Don't ever walk in on your man masturbating, it's fuckin'... Like, I don't know how women do it, but I imagine it's a bit, you know, like... It's a bit more feng shui, you know. Maybe there's a candle or something. Atmosphere. Dudes are just fucking on the shitter pants by our ankles, fucking...
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
And there I was, 3 a.m., I was doing my thing. And only in America can you do this. All of a sudden, I feel my tummy want a little bit of yummy. You get that Uber Eats? What? 3 a.m. Beep, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. There could be a hurricane outside. Pablo is coming, dude. On a bicycle with my burger. I pay five extra bucks. Pablo will parachute in, fucking.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
3.25, I had a belly full of burger, belly button full of cum. What a country!
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Them fucking corn-fed titties, you know what I'm saying? They really are. In Estonia, we have them all malnourished. When we just have the nipple, we're like, oh my God! I found one with a bump.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Christmas party was great. Every chick here was in a relationship. Amazing.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
that's always a fun party it was everyone had a plus one with them it was a real fucking look but don't touch type of party I have been actually speaking of masturbating um I'm actually like incredible uh Like, see, I got too deep into the pornography for a while. I was down bad. Oh, also, in Texas, you know, they're like, no Pornhub, hqporno.com, not sponsored, it's recommended.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
High definition. 8K. You see the bad childhood. And it was going so, for a while, I went off the rails, you know, like, just like my tabs started getting fucking shorter and shorter. You know when you go so deep that there's no more words, it's just fucking scribbles. So what I did now is like, I cut the porn out of my life, no more, no more! And now I just do it, dude.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Titties, titties, titties, titties, titties. Sam, Sam! No, I like did it in the, literally, in the shower, eyes closed, dude, like fucking, like I'm Neo, dude, I'm so fucking powerful, dude. Congratulations. It's crazy, no porn needed, just fucking instinct. I know, hard work, that's what I'm saying. Oh, you're listening to Big Mike over there.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I don't think you have a lot of cum in the side of you. It is.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It's unbelievable. I've never done this before, but in this show, I've been on at least a dozen times, probably more. But how would you like to open for me in San Antonio in February?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
That's off-the-book money, so... Oh, I love off-the-book money. Fuck Palestine.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Tony just yelled at the Netflix guys, what the fuck's wrong with you?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
It's two sacks, but it's still also just two testicles. They live separately.
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Red Van hates Christmas because the cookies are for Santa. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Do you know if you change around the letters in your name, it spells Juan Retard? LAUGHTER
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
When he stood on it for a second, the scale said, help me.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It says 2618. It says the time. It's on central.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
How could you be a door guy if you could get windage showing someone to their seat?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Come on! Really? Is there the spider from Charlotte's Web in the audience?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I like how there's a bunch of girls looking down like they want to be called on in high school. They're just like, all right, never mind. I was wrong.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You look like Kamala Harris trying to prove she's not Indian.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Don't do that. Do it. I give you permission. You have to carry on the banner.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Thank you. I appreciate that. For a podcast, this show has really become a lot of TV on the radio. What? What does that mean? This is the lead singer of TV on the radio. What's up, Tony?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Who did you talk to for research about those jokes about eating pussy?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yes. What's the state have to do with it? What's an at-will state?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Was that a $10 bill? It was a 20. I thought it was a one until it was in his hands.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I don't think he stole it. I know. It's just funny.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Nah, Cam's a man. Super consistent. What were you doing? How were you helping people?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Great setups. A lot of good setups. Setup after setup.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You want to make it official? Hey, Little Beaner, let me ask you a question. Look this way. Your mom was Jewish? Oh, my God, she is?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, let's measure noses. Oh, yeah, I like that. What are we going to do, water displacement? Somebody put a dollar bill in the back and hide it. We'll smell where it is.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I mean, pretty much like you said, I get to look down to him. You guys ever fight?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
When you were in school and you were young and you were bad and he had to hit you, did you just laugh?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
No, no, no, no, no, no. So your mom's Mexican, or your mom's Jewish? No, my mom's fully white, fully white.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Well, it is genetic, so... Judging by me, I would say that's probably fair. That's probably fair.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Hey, it's all luck, all luck. You make good cabinets? Always, always. Is it your own company? No, sir, I do, I service cabinetry. Okay. I'm as Mexican as it gets. They have me crawling in them, putting them up, everything.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Absolutely. That's your only job? You ever work as an elf around Christmas time?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir. It's my only job.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
He directed a movie I was in. Me and Adrian Brody in a movie directed by this ShamWow guy. How insane is he?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Wow. Whoa. Hey. Yeah. That was a close one.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I think it's for how many it's spelled Dairy Queen.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Who the fuck would trust you with their kids?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
What the fuck were you doing? What'd you think that was? That was actually a mistake. No way. We was talking about Donkey Kong.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Bro, you're gonna have a heart attack. You gotta chill.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Me, you, Adrian Brody, Lizzie Lohan. That's my dude right there.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I am so fucking tired of being poor. I'm about to snap. When is it my time? Even if you make a million dollars now, remember when you were a kid, you thought million dollars, that's a fucking summer house in Italy, downtown apartment in Austin. Now a million dollars, woo, one bedroom in Pflugerville. Now I feel bad for millionaires. I'm like, fuck, Chick-fil-A is hiring. I don't know.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
When you look at rich people, don't you sometimes feel like you missed a year in school? Like where they talked, where the bag is at, you know? Because my school was like, alphabet, Hitler. And then they were like, okay. Now go pay taxes. What the fuck was algebra? Teach me how to run a scam, you bitch. Remember when we spent three years on a triangle? I'm 32 years old, never even seen one.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Teach me about offshore accounts. And when you meet rich people, I always ask, I always ask, how? And they never say, always some real vague.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You know, rich people love to say like, ah, the right place at the right time.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I've been everywhere always. Let me in, rich people, come on, let me in the circle. Let's go, I get it. Let's fucking privatize water in Sierra Leone. Let's go, I'm cool. Take me to Epstein Island, let's go. I'll fuck the kids. And keep my mouth shut. The only people who do give you financial advice are dudes who are into crypto, huh?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
How come every guy who tells you about crypto is also on the bus? It's always your friend Tyler with like bong breath. Dude, Bitcoin's coming back. You want to be like, Tyler, the fact that this information has trickled down to you means we're already too late. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you. Wow.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I hope so. It's my birthday, Trump. Give me it.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
The perfect specimen. Come on. I've seen your family. You love me. Superior genetics.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
He's gonna deport you. I know, Ari, I know. I'm scared.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Probably, huh? He's scared. He won't. You think? I think he's too frightened.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
What's that car ride like between the two of you?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Sometimes I see, like, American guys here, they have, when they have the flag and they're, like, proud, you know, they're, like, fucking... When they hear my accent at a cafe or something, you can tell they're like, what the fuck is moving into my country now? Just another fucking accent.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
No, not really. There's no Estonian pride? We don't have that fucking genocide energy, you know? What do you mean? You guys killed everybody. You know those people here before you. You know that, right, Shane?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I went to Tulum for eight days. I just got back yesterday. Diarrhea, I have now. During the trip, no diarrhea. Street food, everything. Nothing. And then I got here. I went to the airport. That's where I got the diarrhea.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Who is this guy? Aaron Belisle. He's the one that we were talking about. He's secretly gay. We weren't supposed to talk about it. He looks cocks. Aaron Belisle loves cogs, loves sucking them, black, white, brown, whatever. Aaron Belisle, the cocksucker.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I ate, well, a burrito, I know. I came from Mexico, but I just felt like one. Can't remember the spot, though. I think it was called guacamole or some shit. That could have been the problem, huh? Because I've eaten chipotle. You've eaten chipotle? Big fan.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I've never had a hooker. I don't know. That's like an American thing, right? Get a hooker. What?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Well, I went to a strip club here, the one that's supporting the show, too. That was a wonderful experience.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I was at the Yellow one. Okay. And I've never been to a strip club where it's like... There's an Asian one?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It was a very positive environment for the ladies, you know?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Because I've been to like Estonian strip club. It's not exactly like, you know, it's all like... What do they do there? Well, it's all women who don't have passports and they don't want to be there, you know?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
They're like prisoners? Something like that, yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
If you look into their eyes, you get fucking... Hard? Hard. But then again, our women don't burp on a microphone. There's ups and downs to everything.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Tony, what the fuck did you invite me down for here?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
What's up? Any fat people here? You're fine. I mean like medical fat.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
He was fucking fat. I have one fat fuck friend. His name is Matt Fat Fuck. And one day we were talking And I noticed that me and Matt, you know, we have to use the same toilet bowl. And I noticed that the distance from Matt's cock to his asshole is quite a journey. So I ask Matt, what do you do? Do you just fucking shove it in there? And fat fuck Matt goes, no, I gotta choose.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
So I ask Matt, okay, so if you go poopy, if you go poopy, does it sometimes happen that piss flies out too onto the floor and shit? Matt looks at me, he goes, oh yeah, all the time. That's what I respect about Matt. That even though he's cleaning up his own piss, he's like, fucking worth it. And then he goes, you think that's bad?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Matt goes, sometimes I come home and I fucking eat so much shit that I every hole shit, piss, and puke. And he has to sit in the bathtub. and just full Coachella. Just fucking. Now that should be the McDonald's commercial. Fuck the hot yoga girl with a burger. Oh my God, Maccas. Put my fat fuck friend Matt in the tub of his own shit, piss and puke and let the camera pan out.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
You know I got bad luck. Uh-huh. I was in Florida. Yeah. Fort Myers. Yeah. I found out that the show that, do you know who Tito Ortiz is? Tito Ortiz, yes. Tito Ortiz, former light heavyweight champion, UFC. Yes. Apparently he owns a bar called Tito's Cantina. And the person from Florida tells me, if you drive past this bar and you see a white Rolls Royce outside, that means Tito's in the building.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I drive past, Rolls Royce is there. I go to the bar, motherfucking Tito. Tito and three people, they're watching the UFC. So I sit down, find out they have a raffle. Raffle! I love a raffle. You know what a raffle is? You win shit. There's three other people at the bar. I'm gonna win this fucking raffle. I go to, Tito! Tito! What's the prize? He goes, it's a bottle of vodka. I'm like, eh, okay.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Then he goes, but the final prize after the pay-per-view is over A championship belt. Wow. And I see this fucking belt, and I love belts. Listen. I love belts. I love belts. I love belts. I see your belt. I'm with you. I'm with you. But it's a big, like, champion belt, you know? I never won in MMA. I'm 0-3, so I need a fucking belt. Me and a belt. I need that belt.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Three people at the bar, raffle, belt, championship. So I go, okay, how much the ticket? He goes, 10 bucks a raffle. Unbelievable. One ticket. It's a no brainer. I go, give me 30. Yeah. Yeah. He goes, what? I go, give me 40. So I got... 40 tickets. I got 40 fucking raffle tickets. I spread them out at my bar. Three other fucks. I'm getting this belt. I spread them out at the bar.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I took a selfie to my friends. I'm like, oh my God, I'm going to be a champion. You know. I'm high-fiving Tito. Hell yeah. So then, first round, they pull the vodka. Of course I win the vodka. I have all the fucking tickets. Yeah. I'm guessing a bottle of Tito's. Yeah, and fuck the vodka. It's just sprayed out. I don't have carry-on anyway. I want the belt. Exactly. Dude, my flight is at 4 a.m.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Dude, fuck you. I didn't even get a picture with Tito. Today Tito post, our champ at Tito's Cantina last night. Takes a picture with the retard. He goes, everyone had a great night. Oh, did they? Where's my fucking belt? I didn't even get a t-shirt. Look, this is me and my raffles. This is me and my fucking raffles.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
A friend of mine got cheated on by his girl. Very sad. And he found out that she cheated the only way men find out that they've been cheated on. She told him. Let's be honest, men ain't figuring shit out. We don't notice when you get a new haircut. You think I'm gonna notice a sparkle in your eyes? You think I'm gonna notice an overall glow about you?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Dude, I can't imagine how easy it is to cheat on a guy. I could come home, the other guy's in the closet. Smell of sperm is all across the apartment. I'll still be like, baby, what you cooking? Is that full? You could have the other guys cum fall out of your pussy, I'll be like, holy shit, I'm killing it. I'll tell my friends, my baby girl cum white, dude.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Cheating on a woman though, different story. They can tell. Even if they don't have evidence, they'll just look at you, fucking... You'll just fucking... Dude, if you want to cheat on a woman, you got to meet that other bitch in, like, Guadalajara with a fake passport. You got to destroy the evidence after. You got to fucking... You might have to drown that bitch. You might have to...
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You might have to drown her in the lake. Like, sorry, mamacita. But the bitch will know. Lo siento, mi amor. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, my life, dude, 12 fucking years. Nobody wanted me. The festivals didn't want me. Fuck JFL. I hope you fucking burn to hell.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
They did, by the way. They went bankrupt. Somebody bought him. I hope he dies, too. I've auditioned to every fucking festival. I've been to London, Melbourne. Fuck you. Nobody wanted me. And then I finally found this motherfucking hardcore comedy community. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Like, you mentioned that, like, you're obviously like... In Austin, yeah, but I think it's like the Kill Tony fans, they're always so cool, you know? They wanna be cool. You know, they don't wanna run up. The guys are always weird, you know?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Men always after shows in the corner. That was a great new tag. I noticed you were fucking... That was a great new tag.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Fuck, I even, fuck, I'm blanking what he's done. He's something with money. But he's, okay. In the government. No, he's in the fucking European whatever commission.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I know everybody's been sending me this fucking meme this whole week.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I mean, in modern-day politics, you gotta stand out. Yeah. Yeah. He has a really hot girlfriend, too. Bang him!
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It is a crazy haircut, but if you're in front of a commission from a small country that nobody gives a fuck about, this is a great start. You gotta stand out.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, this is the prisoner, right? Yeah, that's the guy over there. I thought, and yes, you are very... Very prison.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Killers of Kill Tony, amazing, you know? Yeah, yeah. Dude, we go out sometimes to party. Dude, you should check out the crew we go. It's David Jolly, me, and Martin Phillips. These bouncers don't know what the fuck kind of Avengers are walking in. Just a fucking... The blackest guy you've ever seen. A fucking Nazi and a cripple.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's like a... It really... It's like a fucking anecdote when we just walk into bars. Yeah. And I love the way they look at Martin from the distance. They're like, what the fuck? How fucked up is this guy?
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Hello. I have a confession to make. I eat ass. I'm tired of hiding it, ladies. Don't hide your asshole. My tongue is going up that ass. If you're a lady with a guy who doesn't eat your ass, what's wrong? A little poo-poo on your mouth? A little poo-poo? Gay boy? I don't give a fuck. I remember when the research came out, they were like, it's official, squirt this piss.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
I was at home like, I guess I'm a toilet. I don't give a fuck. Every liquid you ladies make, I want in my mouth as soon as possible. Anybody on their period, save the tampon. I want to make some tea later.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
I was walking home last night and guys will notice feeling, you know when you're walking late at night and you're like behind a woman you don't know and you're walking the same direction and there's that tension. She turns left, you turn left. She turns right, you turn right. And you're kind of in a rush. But you also don't want to seem like an assailant.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
It gets really strange, you know, when you notice that she knows you're there as well. The body language changes a little bit. They start clutching the bag, warming up the hamstrings. And then there's a really tense moment, you know, like when they finally look. And now you, like, gotta try really hard to not walk like a rapist. would a rapist do this?
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
then you take an alternate route and then you reappear from another street you gotta be like don't worry I just live where you live thank you so much
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
To be honest, I was kind of stressed back there, huh? I love it. When the show started, they started booing, I was like, oh, dear God. If they boo near this act out, I'm fucked, huh? I love Nashville. Second time here for me. Oh, my God, what a place.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
The beautiful women, they got them... You got white girls that got some badonkadonk here. They do. I love that you noticed that. Just a fucking... And I love the cellulite on your ass. I love it. It is... Feel those craters would come.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
I love it. Kid Rock, oh, my God, such a big fan. Such an honor to meet you. I love you. Thank you. I love it. We both say the N-word. I love it.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
It's my Def Jam shirt today. I saw it at the store. I was like, it's Def Jam time.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
Yeah, I was at a secondhand store, and I was skeptical because it looked so big. But then I watched Def Jam all day. I was like, if they can pull it off, I got it. You know what I'm saying? I love it. I love it. I can't wait to get like a fucking onesie with my face on it. You know what I'm saying? You know that Def Jam shit? Bam.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
Yeah, it's that chicken. They love the chicken. They love the fried chicken. Everything that gives you diarrhea. Yeah. Nobody has a solid shit in Nashville, huh?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Austin, thank you guys so much. You guys are, y'all are real friendly. Like, I had someone just the other day come up to me and he's like, excuse me, has someone ever told you you look like Kobe Bryant? I'm like, nah, I just get Dalzeem from Street Fighter. Yoga flame. Yeah, but I'm not technically even black. Nah, like, I'm more like Kamala Harris. Yeah, like, we pretend to be black.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So, fuck that bitch, because today's Freedom Day. Justin Trudeau just resigned, and I'm fucking celebrating. 51st day, here we come. But yeah, I just got back from Japan, and people wanted to take pictures with me. I didn't know why, because I wasn't even wearing this jersey. It's a children's large. Yeah, I got it for my 40th birthday four years ago.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
But yeah, honestly, I just want to thank Seaman Retention for the last 18 months because I'm manifesting this fucking moment right now. Thank you for even like, yeah. All right, TJ. There you go. That was your part.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
It's a beautiful country. It's way better than, well. Are you the head of tourism there? It's great. I actually, oh my God.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Just over a year. I quit my corporate job. I've been doing this full-time. I've been touring. I went to Bangkok, open mics. I did a show in Tokyo. Just open mics. How hard are you bombing in Tokyo? I can't even imagine. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Living the dream. Wow. So the mentality. OK. I'm going to be better each and every day. OK.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
It's just more right wing. If you think about what's gone on in the world, I feel like... All right, forget it.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Reputation management. What does that mean exactly? We protect people's reputation online. Oh, okay.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
No, I'm asking. No, he wants to know. No, because I'm 44. I finally figured out this is what I like doing, and I'm finally fucking doing it.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I didn't grow the balls, so it was demon retention. Like, I actually finally grew the balls.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Possibly. I don't know. No, they were pretty supportive. They're supportive of me being here right now, so they're fucking awesome. Okay. All right.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'm pretty progressive. Like, I watch... Like, I can imagine a black guy. Like, if... I can watch... Wow.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I am white. Can you watch a black guy just destroying a white girl and imagine you're the guy? I can. Oh, you can do that?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Son of a bitch. But the classic thing is that, like, it gets the... The more you're scrolling, the harsher it gets. Like, the more tabs, you know. You know when the tabs, there are no letters anymore, just these fucking... And you're just looking for the one, dude. Then it gets pretty dark.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
One crazy- Well, you know, all the chicks are crying. Perfect.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You know, all the chicks are like, help, help, help. The doors are locked. It's dark. It's a fucking storage unit with a couch. Dudes have sneakers on.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
What's up? Sorry, I'm a little on edge. There's no porn in Texas. Give me back my porn! I'm a little on edge. Don't look at me weird when I'm in the bush waiting now. I gotta get my release. I love how some of my friends are like, yeah, you can watch porn in Texas. All you gotta do is get a VPN. Yeah, I'm just trying to beat my dick. I'm not Edward Snowden.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'm trying to get my belly button full of cum. I'm not trying to rig an election. Dude, the first time you go to watch Pornhub in Texas and you see that fucking message come up, it's fucking weird. You got your lotion ready, dick hard. All of a sudden you're like elected officials. Legislation. And I've read the whole message.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
If you scroll to the bottom of that message, you actually find out that you can watch Pornhub in Texas. All you gotta do is get age verification. And that means you gotta send a picture to Pornhub of your face holding your ID. Yeah! I'm not gonna do that. It's not like the porn I watch is illegal, but I definitely need to explain it. Thank you so much.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Dude, I'm like 15 again. I jack off to GIFs on Twitter now.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Dude, all I need is three pictures, I'm good. Fucking dark out here. It is. In the dark web.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Holy shit, no. But I do remember when I was younger, I would watch like UFC and porn just back to back. I gotta tell you, it really fucked my brain up. Because now I can't come without Joe Rogan yelling.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Dude, the amount of times I get the question, are you really gay, from dudes on these Killers of Killtone, it's the number one question. Yeah. Nobody gives a fuck about my visa. Everybody cares about... And by the way, if you ask me whoever is gay, I'm going to say he's gay. Just so you know.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
They did that too, just grown men. No job, no nothing. When I went to Philadelphia, I'm a big sauna guy. There's no saunas in Austin. I'm a big sauna guy. And I was trying to find these Russian saunas. In America, all the saunas, like, the number one struggle is if I can tell if it's a gay sauna, because the gay people, like, own saunas here, huh?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So then I just had to go to, like, I found, like, a sauna place near the hotel, but I was fucking lurking outside just to see, like, who walks out, you know?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
But I didn't go in. I was scared. Because I saw two guys come out. At the same time? Yeah, and they were like... Like, I'm happy after a sauna, but they were... Just a bit too loose, you know? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We have some... We have, like, a couple of porn movies that are pretty dark, um...
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Most porn comes from Ukraine. You know, Ukraine is like number one. Number one, baby. Porn, porn, porn. All the webcam girls, they're all Ukrainian and shit.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I don't know. I think just the chicks are hot. They're clever, you know?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
There's that too, yeah. I want to look into their eyes for too long, you know what I'm saying?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
You know, like if you would see the porn, like... Yeah, I know. Like, you know, when you watch porn with your girl, you're not going to put on the porn you actually, you know. Right.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I've, like, we've all done that. Traveling beautiful woman.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Give us a little taste. It depends on, like, what's... Do you watch any of our stuff?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Howdy. A little bit about myself. Watch a lot of porn. You guys watch porn? Yes? Good, good, good. I mean, I'm not watching so much porn that, like, I'm commenting on the videos. Yeah. But I'm reading the comments. That's kind of where I'm at. You know what? The one thing I do like about porn, the one thing I do like about porn, nobody, and I mean nobody, is ever like, the book is better.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I do like that about porn. Nobody's like, Ass Blasters 3 was better in the magazine, right? I like doing a lot of porn jokes, mainly because I'm a millennial. You know what I'm saying? We're not sensitive about sex, but we're sensitive about other things, right? If you want to describe millennials, we're kind of like the generation of eating ass. and peanut allergies. That's, that's us.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
What you gotta hope, hopefully those two rows don't cross, right? That's like Tony having to go to the hospital because Red Band ate a peanut butter sandwich, you know?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
But that just happened like two months, I just moved here like two months ago, so yeah.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I've done enough shows. I mean, before I moved into the place, I saved a bunch of money. How much exactly did you save?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
What should I do? Well, I definitely advise not to do stand-up comedy.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
The guy's blind and is like, don't do stand-up comedy. Yes, 100%. Okay, you stated the very obvious there. How much, wait, no, I'm curious. How much money do you make doing stand-up comedy, Tony? Okay, all right. Is it $3,000 a month?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I had a fucking orange and a bunch of grapes, actually. I just drove from Dallas. I was doing a show there, drove here. All that you ate today was an orange and a bunch of grapes.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Where were you last night at 2 a.m.? I was at the Capitol, dude. I fucking... Yeah, no. I just drove here. I got super drunk last night after the show.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I took the bus last week and I sit in the back of the bus and I think I'm alone on the bus until at one point I look to the front and there's another guy there and he has the down syndrome. I'm not saying nothing bad about him. He just got it. And he notices me too. And he starts playing the game with me of whoever looks away first is a pussy. And you know me, dog.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
If you want to fuck with me, I'll fuck you back. So I stare this motherfucker down. And we keep going. I miss my stop. Now who's retarded, huh? And it was one of those buses, you know where the middle part has this slinky accordion? So every time the bus would turn, me and my guy would lose each other. And then every time it straightened out. There he is.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
The only moment when he broke eye contact was because in one of the bus stops from the middle door, a lady enters the bus and she has, I don't even know how to say this, but she's got... They were so big that the tits were on the bus. She almost missed it. You know what I'm saying? And me and my guy, we like both at the same time, we like both look at the tits.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And brother, when we looked back at each other, The connection we had? That's how perverted men are. It's in our DNA. Because I got a high school diploma and he thinks mirrors are another room. But at that point, we were both like... So ladies, get those milkers out and bring this country together. Thank you so much. Proof.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I was listening, but I had to go. I had to walk. Yeah. Dude, I was starting to bomb. Like, you know when you listen to comedy, you're like, what is stand-up even?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, it was crazy hot, the crowd. You get a bit too confident up there, maybe, you know, after some shows. It is ridiculous. I didn't like the Denver airport, though. You know an airport where you take a flight and then you gotta take a train? Bro, we flew 1,800 miles. Can we fly two more?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I can feel the energy. Hey, don't you guys think James looks like a cute dog with glasses?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I appreciate it. Which one of us is going to get a green card first, huh?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
How crazy for the girlfriend, huh? Dude, I saw you have a panic attack there.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What's up, guys? This is my impression of Italian Bill Cosby. Agabagool!
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
It's good to be here. I, uh... Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. I stopped watching the news recently. I feel like they're not talking about the important stuff on the news. They're never talking about how Bill Cosby's out of prison, you know? Never talking about how he might be Italian.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
They're never talking about how Shel Silverstein would be, like, the perfect name for a Jewish turtle, you know? Don't worry, guys. I'm allowed to do that joke. My mom is actually a turtle, so it's fine. I've got the... Reptile pass. It's very good. It's very nice. I'm a confused man a lot of the time. I don't really know what's going on much.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
One of my friends the other day was trying to talk to me about Wyoming. I was like, pretty sure his name's pronounced Yao Ming. That's not even kind of close. Where's the W, sir? Explain. We're at a P.F. Chang. Stop, sir. I'm not going to watch Yellowstone. That's ridiculous. I would never do that. All right, we'll call it there. Thank you so much.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Where at? Three and a quarter here. I started in Virginia, but, like, barely. Okay.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I think you called me vitamin deficient. I, um... i'm still probably true i uh i'm from charlottesville virginia we talked a bit about the fun rally we had yeah oh how the tides have turned yeah pretty much that i think i uh so how's life changed in the three years since you've been on um slightly less bad now i uh i still live here still the same job at a restaurant i uh
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, I play saxophone too. We talked about that. I didn't bring it last time. I didn't bring it this time either, but you guys have a much better player here. I do get to play saxophone for The Absolute Show. It's a show that Lucas McCurry and Liz do at the Creek, so that's fun.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I play basketball. I like to get high and play chess and do very badly. It's kind of a fan. Okay. Make it harder on myself. All right. Yeah. Go on walks, you know? Really exciting stuff. Really super, you know, buy weird sweatpants. I don't know. I don't know. All right, Will. Mostly just the stand-up and saxophone, I guess.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I did try. Well, see, it probably... This is tough. This is tough. I... I always thought I'd be wearing a suit doing this. I should have dressed up more to talk about this embarrassing stuff. I don't know. I don't try at all. I don't know if I can come up with a time.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I usually just, you know, I used to be a fat kid, and then I got less fat, and I thought it would work out, and then you realize you still have to try, and it really is disappointing. So now I just figure maybe I'll just do stand-up, and one day when I'm 50, I can get married then. That's how it, right? You just commit to this life, and then it works out eventually, hopefully, I think. Maybe not.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Well, I've hooked up with a coworker. But it was always like someone would have to tell me they're kind of interested first. What do you mean you fucked up with a coworker? I hooked up with a coworker.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, my place. But it was just, you know, I'm not going to go out there and try and risk it. You just wait until you're like, I should have sex with a co-worker. That's what you do, right? That's the smart decision. You do comedy.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Nah, the lot, you know. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. Not in a cool way, just, you know.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Eye contact is difficult. Yeah, no. I'm more of a... Yeah, no, I like that one. Like I said, lazy. If they're down to go on top, that's pretty cool, too. Oh, no! They aren't. Yay, I'm just saying, you know. I'm trying to mix it up. No, it's pretty boring. It's pretty boring. I don't like to ask for things again. I'm just grateful to be there. I'm grateful for the opportunity.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
A very little one. It was so bad last time. It was that bad? I thought so. I don't know. I was, I mean, I'd been here for like six months and it showed. How do you feel like it went this time? Better, which isn't saying much. Interview's still about as awkward as last time.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
One time I was on top. No, I... I don't think so. I think my life... I had a friend tell me, actually, you shouldn't prepare for this, which is the worst advice I've ever had. Just go into the interview, and they'll ask you questions, and you respond, and it's not going well, so I think I should have prepared something.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Oh, okay. I thought you told me not to stand up anymore. Okay, there he goes.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Shut up, bitch! It's my time. So I've been trying to assimilate, fit in to the American culture. I've been trying to listen to some of your music. Last week I listened to a whole album of Taylor Swift. What a pile of shit, huh? How is she famous? How is she doing fucking stadiums in Shanghai? Who the fuck goes to these concerts? Jesus Christ, ISIS, pull your shit together. Bomb the concert.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
How many letters do I have to write? ISIS hates women and gay people, dude. At a Taylor Swift concert? The homo per square meter? You blow up a Taylor Swift concert, next day, perfect society. It's like children's music, no? I have a t-shirt. What? If you're a grown woman and you listen to Taylor Swift and I fuck you, I should go to prison.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Cause I'm clearly banging a mentally challenged, retarded ass bitch. No wonder she's dating a football player, you know? Only a man with CTE, fucking. Those two retards at home. Thank you so much. That was my time.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
There's people that are truly... Taylor Swift started selling tickets after the vaccine.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
When I was young, it was Britney Spears. Britney Spears had an ass?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We're doing some of those killers of Kill Tonys, you know? Oh, I hung out with Cam's family. Yeah. Dude, he's got a crazy... This is a crazy family, huh? Oh, yeah. His dad is so funny. I call him Joe Jackson because he makes you work, huh? Dude, at one point we did the show...
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
We did the show, we go to the green room and Cam just wants a second after he said, he just wants a second to sit down before he go outs for the meet and greet. And then his dad comes in the room, locks the door and goes, Cam, I gotta talk to you. Cam, there's a bunch of white people out there waiting. Get on out there and make us some money.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That's true. That's the way you can, that's the way when you're a black guy, you can get your dad to stick around. You gotta become a global superstar. He'll be around, you know what I'm saying?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It is a red shirt. I found it at a second-hand store in Schnecktadaddy.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I went to, yeah, upstate New York. Didn't know New York is that big. You know, I was... Dude, I was so excited to go to New York. In my head, I was like, I'm gonna be like, you know, just... And then we land in Schnecktadaddy and Binghampton, dude. I kept walking around Schneck the Daddy asking for people which way is Statue of Liberty.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Fuck this country's big. Where the fuck is Schnecktadaddy at? You haven't beat the chicken schnitzel?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Like, I asked a barista there, like a lady, I was like, so what do you... Because I was trying to figure out what the fuck, what is it? And I was like, so, like, what do you do here?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Thank you so much. Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
When you say... Wow. I'm gonna need you to write that down. I'm sorry, but I was here, then I was here, then somebody was inside somebody. What are you doing? A lot of work. What the fuck was that?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, I would have rather watched a set from Chef Boyardee. This guy knows what I'm talking about. What was that guy, by the way? You know that guy who screamed up doing his shit? He was like, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. What was that guy?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
But, um... Yeah, we did... But you smoke weed, yeah? Yeah. How much weed do you smoke a day? And what do you do? Do you work while you're high? Usually not. Yeah. It's just kind of a nighttime thing or what?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Have you had a really bad trip on pot? Any fun stories there?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Can I ask one question before he leaves? What's the biggest thing in Kentucky? You go to Kentucky, St. Tony goes back to Kentucky.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You are geographically accurate about the whereabouts of Tony Hinchcliffe.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Hamaz al-Tab is going to be my new catchphrase. We go halfsies on it, but that's great. You can have it. It's yours. You're a legend. Okay, great. All right. You guys heard it. It was really funny. You're very sharp, very quick. I like the pace. Yeah, it's great. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You're making it. You're funny, you're funny, but what the fuck is going on up there?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What the fuck? Literally the worst sound effect you're gonna play right there. It's party time! Spiked bones. That is a great band name.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You're taking it in stride. That's a compliment. Now, what do you... So, what did you ask him? I asked the question.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
We'll be right back. I mean, you're like the movie Jack. Have you seen the movie Jack? All right, edit this out, Yoni.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
The bitch deserved it. This is incredible. Yeah, speaking of Mama, you look like the mom from The Goonies. Yeah. That's a compliment. That's a great part.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
All right, so... Hold on. We're the patients. You got to tell us that we both got AIDS, okay? Yeah. Red Baron hit me with some hospital music.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
This is not good. Okay. You're a doctor? Are you the only doctor? I'm it. Yeah, you're fucked.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Oh, my. Good. Can you say, that's all folks for me? All folks for you? Huh? What? Can you? Never mind. Yeah. Okay. It's loony to his reference.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I don't know how it's... I don't know what that was. I don't know what that was. I've never shot a gun in my life. It seems like... I've come out on a woman's face, but I've never shot a gun, you know?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Is there one word that if people bring up in a sentence or like they ask you a question, do you ever get in your head, you go, fuck, I don't want to say that? You seem like a pretty confident fearless guy, which I dig.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You know, if I were the waiter, I think you would say, I heard you say you like your steak medium whale.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Wait, please tell me you sat her down and you go, so, look, you're about to experience a little bit of twama. I've been eating another pussy. The grass is always green, though.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Do you have like extra teeth or is it the tongue thing? It's the tongue, yeah. So your dad grew out of it. How did he grow out of it?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I took a 20-year hiatus. My wife died, R.I.P. I found out through text she had cancer or HPV or some shit. Whatever, the bitch is dead, so... I'm trying to get my life back on track. Good to see you, Redman. What, do you brush your teeth with nacho cheese? All right, I'm just warming up here, but... But, no, I'm a big fan of the show, and, you know, Kill Tony is a show to launch careers.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You know, I'm actually looking for a new doctor, and I... I'm serious. I would love if you would step in. I don't know what you charge, what your rates are. Is it a copay? Can I just text you? There's a lot of things of, like, is this bad? There'll be a spot on my cock, and I'll be like, hey, is this... Anytime.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I'm not even joking. He put a little bit of his finger on my butt. I wish I was joking. I thought that was a bit, but he actually put a finger in between my legs. Nobody could see him, yet he's still committed to the bit. Give it up for this guy. That was... Wow. Absolutely. I'm going to need a new pair of pants and a new doctor.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
It launched a lot of people with Hans Kim, you know, who, by the way, is about to star in the all-Asian reboot of The Sandlot. Hans Kim is. He's going to play Squints. It's going to be called The Sand Rot, if you're an Asian guy. All right, I'm warming up here, but... Tony, if you're here, who's haunting the abandoned carnival down the street, huh? I'm warming up here. We're having a good time.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You know, I'm a big fan of Kill Tony. Oh, my God. I've been watching the show on YouTube. I've been watching it on Facebook. I got Twitter. I got X. I got something. I got something on my cock right now. Wow. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me one more time. Not too hard. I got a pacemaker. Tony Caruso. I forgot what it was called.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
She probably put powder on you because you look like you were baptized in Hennessy. You know what I'm saying? You got to just dab it up and clean you up a little bit. You're an attractive guy.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
That's a terrible start. I know. That's one of the worst starts in America. Well aware of that. But is there like a... Deion Sanders is known for being a flashy, flair-filled guy, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So is there like a cool... Like, did he do a really cool black handshake that even threw you off? Do you know what I'm saying? That's a good question.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Trying to get back into it. Trying to get back on the wagon.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I can show you a blacker handshake than that. Yeah, let's go. Come on, Tony. Ladies and gentlemen. Follow my lead. Play some cool rap music for me. Come on. Give him a good... So let's say I walk into, like, a black nightclub, right? Which I love, by the way. I love... Because you're usually there to make some arrests of some kind? What are you doing?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I'm usually looking for some big, fat, black pussy, Tony, but... See it? Which is my website. Big, fat, black pussy, backslash Tony Caruso. So let's say I walk into the club, and I go, Cam, good to see you!
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Wow. Wow. Absolutely. And then I call him the N-word. But I can do that in the car on the way home.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Friends with DP, yeah. Yeah, DP. Friends with DP. Yeah, we call him DP. But, you know, DP's got several meanings. You know, double penne, double penetration. Uh... I'm just warming up here. I'm just warming up. Just warming up. Tony, it's good to see you. You look good. Thank you so much. You look like a vampire that only bites people with AIDS. Okay.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah. Are you Theo Vaughn's kid? I think so. Was your principal also a raccoon?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Boy, if they weren't a sponsor, they are now. That was a great fucking plug for it.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I'm just trying to warm up. Okay. You're doing the show, right? You're warming up. Hey, look at that fat fuck. Okay. I mean, geez. I watch your show. I watch your show. I watch your show. I love it. Big fame. Okay.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
He goes... Yeah, he literally... Sounded like a blind queef. Great band name. They're opening up for Spike Bones next Friday. Now, you have great delivery. You came out. You have a cool look, right? I think there's a comedy checklist for me. It's cool look, easy delivery, and confidence in your hair, all three.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Four years, do you feel like you're going to stand the test of time, or is this like a hobby for you?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Good. There you go. Everyone's got to know. I don't know. It's not like you're dead.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Isolate that audio. I want that for my new email alert. Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking God. That was my favorite moment of the whole fucking show.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Great question. Is he ordained? Is he ordained? Is he legal to do it? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Wow. Now, did you say... That's so sweet. Did you immediately say yes, or did you go, uh-huh? Let me think about it. No, that's a really beautiful story. Sorry, I had to do that. But, um... Wait, so, and that was how long ago again? A year ago?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I really appreciate it. Yeah, he's great. I've done long distance 14 times. You have a handful of ways to keep it fresh and exciting, right? You can cheat or you can do phone sex. Yep, the big two. Say it again? The big two. The big two, yeah. How do you keep it fresh? How do you keep connected?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yo, the bucket pulls on this show are out of control right now.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You took the bait. Oh, that's tonight's Fruit by the Foot cue of the night.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
How fat? Can you do, like, a thing with your hands? Like, how big?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What the fuck did you just do? What was that? What was that? Were you painting her back with crayons?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
No, I'm a stand-up-against-the-wall guy, always. No shitting down. Once I shit down, I'm going to bed. No doggie style. My knees can't handle it. I'm up against a wall, the closet of the fridge.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
All right, Tony Robbins. Jesus Christ. Can I just fucking have a conversation with Saquon Barkley or whoever the fuck this guy is? Now, you said you were security. You said you were security. Yeah. You said you were security for who? Panera? Panera? No, nigga. Who? Who are you security for? You said security.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Oh, great. So just any office building that needs somebody to watch over.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah. That's the name of my next special. N-word, that's a paradox. Can't say it. All right.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Can you imagine being on a date with this guy and she's like, so it's so nice to meet you, Dijon.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
When you were a straight guy, did you have sleeves on? You go, all right, like butt stuff.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
That was the best Make-A-Wish musical performance I've ever seen.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I drive trucks and I teach people to throw axes and I take dicks in my butt.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I didn't think you were going to read it, so tomato, tomato. But, you know, by the way, seeing a guy play Call of Duty with a Sesame Street Live shirt has got to be the most terrifying thing. Imagine being a Postmates driver dropping off soup to you. You walk out being like, I just lost six more of my friends. And he's like, all right, man, you look like a guy going to NAMM to look for ladyboys.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, it's been January off. We miss you, William. You're a staple of the comedy world and you're one of the funniest guys on planet Earth.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I've got you too. Yeah, I don't know. This is my first time meeting you, but I get a good sense of you that you're needed. You're needed. Fuck you, Tony.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I feel like he brings a lot to not only the show, but to the world. So that's what I'm trying to say.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Turn your back on the saddle, as they say, and see if that old horse still comes, right? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
What was the first thing you saw that you were like, oh, how do I get to do that, you know? a butthole.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
How do you go to your parents and you go, hey, how do I get more buttholes in my life?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Oh, shit. And your brother's like, let me send this email to Google real quick, because my account got hacked. What the fuck is that black guy fucking that other black guy for?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
No, no, that's just a gay guy thing. That is indeed. What the fuck are you talking about? Fuck that. I am not a gay guy. I won't even look at a cock. It's all good. Hey, hey, agree to disagree. Agree to disagree.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Both of those are t-shirts. I'm not that gay, that's fag shit. A great t-shirt. Now, when you touched it, was it, are you still friends with the guy who you jerked? Is he gay too now?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Do we get to find out what you're transporting? You said you drive trucks, right? So what are you taking across daylight? What are you taking from... Are we talking about my character or what I actually did as a trucker? Can I finish my fucking sentence for a second? So you're a real truck driver, right? I was, yeah. So you were, yeah. So what were you driving in the truck?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
If you were taking a truck from Austin to Dallas, what would be in the truck?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Wow. Was that the name of the guy you was shucking off? I'm warming up, I'm warming up.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Honey, how was your day? and you go off. How the fuck was your night?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Dude, if I hit my toe, I just got to be like, me. Thank you very much. Thank you so much.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Jesus, you're high. Holy shit. I didn't know when he looked at me. I thought you got stung by a bee or something. You got to get citizenship, dude. Just fucking...
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You know coals can't save a hookah. I copy-paste. I copy-paste. I'm sorry you feel this way, but you should learn how hookah works. You can't smoke ashes.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
My best friend, Bobby Loco. Hold on, wait, let's check in with Gay Red Band over here.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
And while they growl. Yeah. Why not? Wow. Okay. All right. I love it.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Fred Pan's been waiting 13 and a half years to do his dry mouth gay blowjob sound.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Hey, black guys. If you don't want me to say the N-word, can you stop making it the best part of the fucking song? Call it fucking Freddy in Paris. Fuck! I mean, to be fair, I can feel the N-word coming back. I think... I think we're like five years out. Hold on, brother. We're gonna have to, we're gonna get to have some fun again. I mean, cancel culture's over.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You know, everything's coming back. Remember when we couldn't say and retard? Retard went away for like a week, huh? After that, we were like, fuck it. And also, let's be honest, the retard don't get upset. If he gets upset, give him a banana, he's fucking... Happy, happy, happy. The gay guy gets upset, give him a banana too.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
But then again, if you call a black guy the N-word and then try to give him a banana, things will escalate. Thank you very much. Oh my God.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yeah, everyone's dead in my family, so... You're my family now, Tony!
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Oh, a thing from earlier. Sorry, I was at the gym, Lewis. Sorry I was at the gym, Lewis.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yeah, Joe List got so fucking weirded out when I was doing this.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Yo, yo, happy Easter! I love how religious Americans are. On God! Estonia is one of the most atheist countries in the world. You ask an Estonian, do you believe in a higher power? We're like, I don't even believe in myself. Dude, you tell us there's an afterlife, we're like, fuck, there's more? Can I just fucking die? I went on a date with like a religious girl here, she's Catholic.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
And then after the date, we go to her place and she's like, don't worry, we can still do anal. I love how religious chicks treat their asshole like an offshore account in the Bahamas. It's outside the jurisdiction. I love how she thinks she's gonna get to the pearly gates. God is gonna be like, what the fuck? And she's like, ah, ah, ah, you never said.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
And God's got to be like, ah, get in here, you little slut. Thank you so much.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Tony, you come to Estonia, you can do a fucking 160-seater.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
It's like 1.4 million, but let's be honest, you know. There's a lot of filth out there, you know. Okay. It's like 60,000 actual online people. I mean, there's a lot of people in America too, but I mean.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Dude, I'd love to see you walk around with that helmet in Estonia. They're like, who the fuck is attacking us now? Holy shit. Jesus Christ, these guys are explosive.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Why do you keep looking at me? Antonio, you're drinking white Russians?
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
You know that cord can come out, too. Yeah, malnutrition.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
I was partying on a boat with Russians, and then we were making white Russians. We only had the liquor, ran out of the milk, and then one of the bitches were lactating.
KILL TONY
#717 - ANTONIO BROWN + TOMMY POPE
Fresh. How was it? Was it good? I got to say, titty milk is fucking delish, dude.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Hello! Hello! Hello! I went to North Carolina Asheville this weekend. It got hit by a horrible hurricane. It looked like a post-apocalyptic movie. But then I went to the hotel room and I looked at Asheville before I gotta tell you, the hurricane didn't do that much. Even the hurricane was like, oh shit, somebody already did this. LA's on fire, LA, oh my God, so sad.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Where are the pedophiles gonna live now? Oh my God. Where are we gonna fuck the kids now? Eat my ass, LA! They asked me for a dollar at Whole Foods yesterday for the relief fund, LA. Eat my ass. Who's that dollar gonna go to? Mel Gibson? Fuck you. I don't feel bad for people who lost a house because I wish I had a house to lose. You know what I'm saying? I wish I got a new start.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I mean, I wish I had a start. That's probably the best part about being poor as shit, huh? And renting, I don't give a fuck. If I go home after this gig and my apartment's on fire, the only thing I do is I put my hands out for warmth. I look at the landlord like, huh, I guess the lease is up now, motherfucker. A curse has been lifted. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
This is insane. I don't have a plane. This is the whitest foreigner I've ever met. He is. My love goes out to you. I'm sorry, I'm autistic. I'm autistic, I didn't know what this is. I'm sorry, I'm autistic. I don't know what this is. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, good. Actually, Asheville was super. It was actually a beautiful spot. I loved it.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yes, North Carolina. It was actually beautiful. Lots of hills, lots of pretty women, you know. Ooh. Those country girls, you know, with calluses. Wait, what was that? Oh, you could feel it. A rough hand job in Nashville. Oh, my goodness. A rough one. I love it. Wow. I needed some relief, too.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
And they have, like, thick necks. They do? A thick neck bitch. Yeah? Wow. I love a bitch!
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I remember. It was awesome. You did a lot of jokes. And then you left, by the way, you left boxes and boxes because my former manager, Luis, see ya. He's great. Shout out, Louis. I love you. He brought you out, and I remember you had a lot of merch that you just left. I've never seen a performer just, you left boxes. I left merch. Boxes? Don't do that. Boxes?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Dude, you left so many boxes of t-shirts. Dude, there's children in Estonia running around with fluffy t-shirts. Dude, there's... We gave out hundreds of t-shirts.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, if you go to a Gabriel Iglesias show, don't buy the merch. Just wait the next day. Near the arena back entrance. We give that shit away like we're in Africa, dude.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Hello. Hello. So I was trying to get some pussy. I went to a bar. They didn't have the balls to do nothing. I don't know how some guys do that. They just go to a bar and start just fucking. It's a numbers game, you know, those guys. I've never walked up to a girl at a bar. I always feel fucking creepy. Isn't it creepy? I feel creepy because we both know what I want.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Like every time I talk to girls at bars, I feel like America when you guys talk to the Saudis. Like we both know. I wanna drill the shit out of you. But we need to be diplomatic. Thank you so much. So much fun. Perfect.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Hello. All right. I love your book. Oh, my God. That's how we met, by the way, with the book.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I'm so happy for you bringing me over to this universe. Look at us now. Look at us now.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Tell me more about that. So how we actually met is I wanted to read. I'm actually, I know I don't look like it, but I actually read.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yes. I'm not a fucking nerd. Yeah, I read a book. No. I read a book like this. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Sometimes I change the cover of a book, you know? Like I put Dostoyevsky or something, but inside it's like the story of Bruce Lee or some shit, you know? And I tried to, yeah, I wanted to get that book when it came out, because I was like, oh my God, comedy, I love it.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And then there was no Amazon. I couldn't fucking get it. And I wrote to you on an off chance that the world famous Sam Tallent will respond. And I wrote to you like, maybe I can get a, I don't, I was just honest. I was like, I'm in Estonia. Don't worry about it. You know, we don't have Amazon. And then you just send me a free book.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And then a couple of months later, Sam is like, hey, I'm coming to Estonia. So I set him up for a few gigs. We had a great time. Went to a party. I DJed only for you and for you. I told Sam, like, the after party is going to be awesome. And it was me and him staring at each other. Literally.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And you played insane Eastern European techno. And you kept going, like, I got to go. And I was like, and the security guy locked the door. I was like, you ain't going nowhere. Where do you go, Cotton Nacho? Oh, yeah. It was...
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
yeah we've been friends ever since man and now you're over here and you're you're making hay as the sun shines upon you wearing green yeah by accident totally i don't i don't care about the patrick i don't care you had it's crazy the whole six streets full of with the patrick you know are you telling me you had no idea that it was no patrick's day you wore that there's no way you ran i swear to god you don't believe about saint patrick by accident
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
For Halloween, I wanted to be Kermit the Frog, so I just got the T-shirt. That's good enough.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Like, that's how I like to party. I do. One-on-one, yeah. I do. It was more intimate. I know, Americans love when it's like, oh, just fucking... Every time they go to a bar here, everyone's fucking up, going to your shit, dude. It was me and you, lovely. One bartender, one comedian, one DJ. What a party. Yeah. Wow.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Sometimes when I... We want to talk, I just pause the music, we talk, and then I continue.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. Because you go out here, music is... Am I older? Music is too loud, you know? Everywhere I go, music too fucking loud. Can't talk.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Well, I don't know. I've been, you know, traveling. Oh, okay, okay. I have something stupid that happened. I went to a hotel. Okay, St. Petersburg, Florida. See, I never knew... I've never been to Florida. I mean, we went with you to Orlando, but it was, you know, it was what I expected, very. So I expected all of Florida to be like, have you been to St. Petersburg? Of course. So beautiful.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
The original is a dump, dude. And by accident, there was some fucking fest... Every time I go to a fucking place, there's a festival, and there's no fucking rooms for the hotel. So I got a hotel. I thought it was a deal. I go to the hotel, and I find out it's, like, a gay... hotel.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I walk in... I couldn't immediately tell that it's gay, but they were very happy to have me, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I bet. Like, yeah, I've never had such excitement when I walk into a hotel, you know. They were ready to check me in, you know what I'm saying?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And I don't know, like, I didn't even know, like, that fucking... I'm sure Estonia has a fucking gay hotel somewhere, but it's, like, underground with a secret fucking... It's not on booking.com, you know?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Dude, when I checked in, yeah, it was crazy. They asked me, like, what kind of room you want, and I started planning. I was like, fuck, I got to stay here all night. So I took, like, third floor. I was like, give me the back corner. My theory was, like, if I'm in the back, far away from the elevator, when the suck and fuck starts happening, you know? When they start to fuck room to room, you know?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. And then there were two more rooms to the corner, 369, and then I realized, holy shit, gay guys, they'll never quit before they hit 369. Dude, I stayed out all night in Florida. I even went to the hotel late because I was, like, hoping they'll fucking fall asleep.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah, dude, I went there 3 a.m. Prime City, dude. Because I saw them printing one key card, like they gave me one key card, but I saw them printing seven, you know what I'm saying? They were up to something. And then, dude, gay shit was everywhere. So I go to my room, there's like a picture of four chicken and I'm like, oh my God, look at these chicken.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
But then I realized, no, it's cock, you know? Oh, my God. Three different types of lotion. Three different lotions. Aloe vera, some natural shit, and some shit from China that didn't come off. You know what I'm saying? Dude. This is incredible. No, everything gay. Gay guys on the walls, in the shower. They're like, did you get the soap? Like a picture. I took pictures. I'll show you later.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
The bed was gay? What? The bed was gay? The bed, yeah. I mean, I was scared. Everything was sticky as shit.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It was a hard bed. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, guys, our knees can take a pounding, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. We don't need to be soft, you know? Yep. But I do have to say... What? I do have to say... At some point, I did go down to the bar where all the gay guys were hanging out. I gotta say, it was a wonderful time of my life.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Because usually you go to bars, you're scared you're gonna get your ass beat or something. Dude, all I got was a shower with compliments. That's right. Free drinks, a smooch. Things were wonderful.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Hey, hey. Bam. Check this shit out, huh? You like this? I was in front of the mirror today and I was practicing my kicks. Don't you guys think it kind of looks like I'm a Nazi who's got his hands full? But he sees Hitler walking, he's like, ah! I've always been flexible. And when you're flexible as a guy, the number one question you get is, can you suck your own dick? Now, we've all tried it.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Every guy here, even before you could read, you were like... Infinite energy.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And I gotta tell you, I'm pretty close. I can... I can, like, tongue the tip. I can like clean myself off, you know? Get some of that cheese. Oh yeah, I've tasted my own cum, fuck you, it's delicious. I love when women are like, cum is disgusting. You bitches do know that what you have down there ain't no creme brulee either. At least my shit has protein and the future.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Come is disgusting is a pretty pretentious thing to say when I have a mouthful of piss, huh? I was telling my friend John that I'm pretty close, and my friend John literally looks me in the eyes and he goes, Ari, that's because you're doing it wrong.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
way you're supposed to do it is you go on your back and you throw your legs over your head and now you let gravity like a oil rig and i was like john i'm not gonna do that because what if my roommate walks in At least with this, when he walks in, I get to be like, lol, tried it. But if you walk in and I'm full Richard Simmons, getting physics involved, that's at least a conversation.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Good. I got this fucking T-shirt. Check this out. Boom. Security unit. Uh-oh. I stole it from Walmart. What are you going to do? Shoot me? See this shit? What is that? I mean, yeah. And the thing went off. Beep, beep, beep. The security guy just looked at me like, boop.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah. I mean, it was actually, I was buying a PlayStation controller and it was way overpriced and in the website and I make my own little math, you know?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
No, I mean, we haven't had a lot of time. We were born in 1991. Give us some time, Tony. I'm working on it, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Okay. Okay. Which one of you bitches do I gotta marry to get this fucking passport, huh? Can be a guy too, I don't give a fuck. I don't care about the gender, I care about the documents. I'll easily suck dick for freedom, you know what I'm saying? And listen, I'm like a professional immigrant. I know everything about visas. I watch 90 Day Fiance like it's game tape, dude.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
The key that I've learned, the key is pregnancy. That's why Texas is perfect. No abortion? Sounds like a guarantee! Who's trapping who, bitch? But to be fair, knowing my luck, it would be very me that I do get someone pregnant here, but then it turns out she's also an illegal immigrant. now we give birth to a mexican estonian the most useless passport in the world Thank you very much. Hey, hey.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I love a badmint. I don't know. What are some big Estonian sports? They don't have badmint in there? No, we have like, oh, this. Oh, my God. One time I said on this podcast that we don't have any athletes and all the Estonians lost their mind. We have a female disc golf. Oh, what a sport. Yeah, this is a big disc golf crowd. What a stupid sport.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah, it's boring. I think it's cool. Walk around in nature like an asshole with my little discus. Even Red Band just said he thinks it's a cool sport. Yeah, of course Red Band loves that sport. It's all in the wrist.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I got my first BB gun. Oh, shit. You can just get them at the store. It's crazy, huh?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Great question, Joe Biden. He's from Estonia. Hey, Joe Biden, can you take a moment from pardoning rapists and give me this fucking passport?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
How do you think this looks for your... Well, I'm nervous about his immigration policies, so I don't know how this will be. The inauguration is on my birthday, though, so very exciting day for all of us, huh? Yeah, absolutely. I do love that Tony keeps saying, we got you, and that the visa things are fine. I haven't got an email, Tony. It's okay. March 15 is coming up.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll tell you. So I was having a great day, you know, scrolling on Instagram. You know, I was following some titties, you know. Yeah, titties. Yes, Michael gets it. One straight guy. What, you guys don't like titties? And I follow a lot of, you know, bitches with titties. So I follow this one girl. I've been following her for a few years, apparently, you know.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And she comes up on my feed. She's a cutie patootie. And I do the usual thing. I'm not a pervert, so I don't message them. I do the usual thing. You scroll like a few pictures, you know. Not all the sexy ones, maybe a few ones with the dog to let them know I like you as a person, you know. You like their photos. Yeah, you scroll back a little. And because I'm verified, it comes up like, you know.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
So then she ruins my day. This is what she writes to me. She goes, wait, I'll find it.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. She writes me a DM. She goes, fuck you, you asshole, you weirdo. You're only liking my pictures since I developed anorexia again. So I wrote back, when does it kick in? Don't step into the snake pit if you don't want to get bit, bitch. Then... No, no, no. This is what she writes before she reported me. She goes, you... She goes, you ruined my day, you piece of shit.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Fucking rude, bitch. I was trying to be nice. I didn't know you have fucking anorexia. Fuck you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah. It ruined my day. I'm not a pervert, you know. I'm a nice guy. I just like your pictures. Also, yeah, you post big titties. Of course I'm going to follow. Fuck.