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Chapter 1: Where did tequila's story begin?
Now's a good time to remember where tequila's story truly began. In 1795, Cuervo invented tequila. Cuervo. What are you doing here?
Cuervo. Anytime someone says Cuervo, I show up.
Cuervo.
Cuervo.
Shadow show. Shadow show. Shadow show. Shadow show. Shadow show. Shadow show.
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Chapter 2: Why is the Miami Heat a controversial topic?
Shadow show. Shadow in it. Shadow in it. Jess, I really need your help today. I think more than I ever have in the history of our company because your face... when we talk about the Heat and Jimmy Butler and Coke. Yeah, your face speaks for what I know is the audience outside of Miami. And Zaslow is a bigger homer than Mike.
I just don't think that's true or possible.
I don't think that's true. I'm telling you. It's impossible, Dan. I think that Zaslow is more than Parakeet Cortez.
Ask him what he thought about Xavier Restrepo's 40 time and see what he says. And then we can decide who's a bigger homer. But it's really hard to beat Mike and Jeremy.
So this is what I need your help with, because I think that Jimmy Butler's stuff is going to contaminate the show, poison it. And I've seen over the last, I don't know, 12 months, you have been beaten down by heat disease. Like it's it's there's no subject around here. It's called heat stroke. Any amount of heat talk makes like I see it on your face.
And when I see it on your face, I see the rest of our audience outside of Miami.
I've hated the Miami Heat since the decision because Michael Wilbon told me LeBron James was going to come to the Bulls and he didn't. And then I moved here and I hated them even more because I had to sit next to Mike Ryan and Jeremy for four years.
So what am I going to do today? I just can't do it, Dan. I can't do it anymore. Don't make me do it. Jeremy just ran across the street for live coverage. He just ran across traffic. What are you laughing about?
What if we just tell him he's going to be on the air, but we really just leave him across the street? I think that's what Dan was planning to do already.
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Chapter 3: How does Jonathan Zaslow feel about the Heat?
All right, so for seven years, he's doing the postgame and then waking up to do the morning show. And he aged about 40 years in seven years. He arrived here a broken man. He used to be the young one, Tony. Laugh in his face. He used to be the young one. He used to be the kid. And seven years of loving the Heat, he gave his heart and age over to this franchise. I gave them years of my life, Tony.
Well, explain Tommy Tyke to me, then, because he doesn't have a gray hair on his head. Well... Maybe there's some performance enhancement going on.
Whoa. I'm just trying to be reasonable here.
When I saw him that day in the studio, did not look like PEDs. The day you threw trash at Tony. Exactly right.
All right. We go back out to Jeremy Tasche now. Jeremy Tasche is reporting live at the Kasaya Center where there's a lot of mood and a lot of fans. What's the energy out there, Jeremy?
I mean, the energy is palpable, Dan. I've got Trevor from Georgia here with me. Now, Trevor was a fan of the Miami Heat because of Jimmy Butler. So, Trevor, what are your thoughts on Jimmy Butler's return to the Kaseya Center?
Oh, I'm excited. I think Jimmy's about to whoop some butt. Okay, that's not good.
We're not going to talk about that any longer. All right, very good. No more conversation of that. Good report. We're calling it the butt-lar-mageddon.
Just give Trevor the microphone, please. Dan, that's totally something you would ask.
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Chapter 4: What are the dynamics of Heat fandom?
I'm not saying anything that I'm not allowed to say. I will say this. The Heath fan base, very sensitive bunch. Anytime I say anything slightly critical of the team, they say, who hurt you?
Okay, what fan base, I want to hear the fan base that is, eh, you know what, they take criticism really well. It's not criticism. No, but you're saying that when the Heat are criticized, that the fan base is very sensitive. I want to know the fan base that's like, yeah, you know what, we're good with being criticized, no big deal.
Marlins fans, I feel like, are pretty good. Yeah, they just kind of roll right off our backs.
I was like, yeah, yeah, we're bad.
You're right. We're the worst. Billy was telling me the roster today. I was like, that's not a team. It's going to be rough. Thursday's going to be a rough one.
Pablo who? Let's go out to Jeremy Taché and ask him what the Marlins lineup is going to be. He's going to be on sidelines for the Marlins this year. Jeremy, what is the Marlins lineup going to be? Let's go through it right now outside of the Kaseya Center where Jimmy Butler will soon bring his fury.
Yes, Dan, we are looking forward to not only Miami Heat basketball tonight, but a spring training game between the Marlins and the Yankees at Lone Depot Park. You can expect to see the likes of Nick Fortes, Matt Mervis, and Eric Wagaman in the heart of the order for the Miami Marlins, reporting live from outside the Kaseya Center, Jeremy Taché, Metal Ark Media.
Mark Mervis? Well, here's the thing, Tony. I'm actually scared to do this to him right now because we're live, but I actually want to quiz him on what the lineup might be. And he's really good, like he should know, but I'm not totally sure he does. And that would be a bad position to put him in.
Well, he also could just make it up at none of us.
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