No one does diplomacy quite like America. Revisit some low moments in international statecraft with The Daily Show. Jon Stewart picks the Fruits of Democracy with a look at Iraq/Iran relations, then unpacks a diplomatic mission from Great Britain to cheer up the USA. Turns out Everybody Hates U.S., but only because we've been doing some light spying... Finally journalist Ronan Farrow sits down with Trevor Noah to discuss his book "War on Peace: The End of Diplomacy and the Decline of American Influence."See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: What are the challenges facing the next U.S. president in foreign policy?
Now, whoever our next president may be will face many challenges, especially in the foreign policy arena, the greatest of which may be how to deal with the overwhelming volume of goodwill left over from still-President Bush's, let's call it, two-term democracy-spreading jamboree.
To examine the bounty one of these lucky contenders will be reaping, we check in with our new segment, Fruits of Democracy! Tonight, our latest Democratic offspring, Iraq. Did you know our baby turns five this month? And you're not going to believe this, she's already having play dates.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad became the first Middle Eastern leader to visit Iraq since Saddam Hussein fell. Of, let's say, natural causes. Now, obviously, a visit from the Iranian leader to Iraq prompts some concern. And still, President Bush has a clear message he'd like the Iraqis to deliver to Ahmadinejad.
Chapter 2: How did Iran's president's visit to Iraq affect U.S. relations?
You know, quit sending in sophisticated equipment that's killing our citizens. Stop exporting terror. The international community is serious about continuing to isolate Iran.
A strong message to send. But the Iraqi government owes us. I mean, they owe their life to us. Certainly, the president's message will be delivered. Here's Ahmadinejad getting off the plane. Obviously, they're going to hit him. No sugarcoating, just direct and stern. Listen, mother----. Wait, what? Okay. There appears to be kissing. All right, now here's where they execute him.
No, he's being greeted by a child with flowers. Okay. A red carpet and a child with flowers. Okay. Okay. To the untrained eye, that may appear to be gracious. Maybe even a warm welcome. But I do want to point out that that little girl gave him chrysanthemums. And everyone knows he's an orchid guy, so that's a bit of f*** you. Okay, that's a nice reception there.
Let's compare that to what happens when our president visits. He has to arrive unannounced under cover of night. Is it me or did Al Qaeda blow up the sun? What? It's just nighttime? Phew. I say phew out loud. Phew. Not a lot of people read that. Phew.
Not only did Ahmadinejad announce his arrival in advance, but he was able to drive the infamous airport road that our people can only chopper over, walk flak jacketless outside the green zone, and visit some of Iraq's holiest sites, which we are not allowed into. Hey, Iraq, can we... What are you doing? It's your old buddy, U.S.,
Maybe we didn't make this clear, but we think the guy from Iran is a bit of an Ahmad-dick-in-a-jod. And we're out there all day with the surging, and you're back there sharing sweetbreads with Johnny Leisurecoat? Did you think we wouldn't find out? I don't want to say anything, but one phone call and you get this. That's right! We can put those statues right back where we found them, mister.
After we built you an entire green zone, we could have gone with any color, but you wanted green. We wanted lavender, but no. It would be nice. when our sworn enemy visits your country, that you give him a slightly tougher reception than the one he gets at Columbia University.
Mr. President, you exhibit all the signs of a petty and cruel dictator.
You know, it's things like this invasion clearly strengthening the hand of the person our president believes is the greatest threat to the world's security that makes me think maybe this whole thing was a mistake.
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Chapter 3: How did Gordon Brown's visit to the U.S. reflect on the UK-US special relationship?
Our best pal, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown!
New creation of America. was the boldest possible affirmation of faith in the future, a future you have built with your own hands. People said it couldn't be done, but America did it. America is not just the indispensable nation. You are the irrepressible nation.
Now get out of bed, slugger, and go out there and invade the subcontinent. How must we be When Britain is trying to cheer us up, that place gets like two hours of sunshine a year. It's like a coffee-less Seattle. Not that we don't appreciate the effort. Clearly Brown likes Obama. But what type of relationship will they have? Will they be unlikely partners like Bush and Blair?
Inspirational allies like Roosevelt and Churchill? Or will they have more of a cool black guy, white nerd vibe to them? Like Hitch. Or Silver Street.
That's my man! That's my man!
Gordon Brown's not going to be copying Obama. Or is he trying to horn in on Obama's mojo?
At this defining moment in history. Sir, this defining moment in history.
What we need is real change.
Change is essential. It is that American spirit. It's the essence of America's spirit.
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Chapter 4: How did the U.S. attempt to reset relations with Russia?
Let us work together. We have to seize the moment. We should seize this moment.
What are you, a Barack Obama cover band? Gordon Hopefoot and the Yes We Can Five? But in this buddy comedy, it was the white guy who taught the black guy something. Prime Minister Gordon Brown showed up to Washington like any decent house guest, bearing gifts.
Brown brought Obama a pen holder made from the timbers of the Victorian anti-slave ship, the HMS Gannet, which is the sister ship of the HMS Resolute, from which the Oval Office desk is carved. That is a fantastic gift.
thoughtful, unique, entrenched with layers of deep meaning that connect Barack Obama's ancestral past to the lineage of the presidency, interwoven with the centuries-old special relationship between the United States and Britain. It is a gift wrapped inside a present, stuffed inside a thoughtful gesture. It is a hallmark turducken.
And what did our new president, Give in return. Well, he gave the prime minister 25 DVDs.
You gave the guy a DVD box set? Guys are visiting head of state, not a PBS donor. You live in the White House. It's a museum. Give him some from your new house. Harding's chair, the Eisenhower spittoon, the Taft toilet desk. More of a necessity than a luxury. He couldn't move very fast. Of course, the UK is just the tip of the Obama world reconciliation plan.
We're also trying to reconnect with Russia. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had a meet and greet with Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov. I wanted to present you with a little gift. Please don't be DVDs. Please don't be DVDs. Please don't be DVDs.
Mrs. Clinton presented the foreign minister with a little box with a button on it and a sign that said, reset.
We want to reset our relationship. We worked hard to get the right Russian word. Do you think we got it?
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Chapter 5: What new controversies have arisen in U.S.-Pakistan relations?
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Our top story, new reports that could make our already icy relationship with the country of Pakistan colder than a witch's frozen dessert treats. Ticked.
Two influential human rights groups are out with scathing new reports this morning about U.S. drone strikes overseas. The groups claim more civilians have been killed in Pakistan than the U.S. has acknowledged. The new prime minister is not gonna be very happy about all of this.
Oh, I'm sorry, Pakistan. I didn't know you didn't like your citizens being sky-sassinated on the whims of a foreign superpower. We thought you were cool. I guess it's unfortunate. But the good thing is I guess we can just lay low for a while and then just get back in touch with Pakistan when the wounds aren't so fresh, you know?
Tonight, Pakistan's Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is at the White House for his first face-to-face meeting with President Obama.
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Chapter 6: How did John Kerry's visit to France become controversial?
Boy, that's the sort of meeting when you really need old Bo in the room, you know what I mean? Just to have something else to talk about. Like, yeah, I know those drone strikes are f***ed up. Hey, look, he loves that bone, though. He really loves going for that bone. Oh, look at that. He's licking his own ass. What were we talking about? I'll tell you who Obama wishes he was right now.
Secretary of State Kerry. Because when this went down, Kerry had the good luck to be visiting our ally, France. Kerry's timing could not have been better.
The timing could not have been worse. As U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry stepped off the plane in Paris, he was immediately embroiled in an embarrassing controversy between France and the U.S.
Oh, what'd we do, France, to cause a controversy? What'd we drink out of the bidet again? What happened? Did we call sparkling wine champagne again? We know the difference. We just don't give a ****. Did we make a mockery of your most cherished athletic event by having an American win it seven times in a row through a sophisticated blood doping scheme? That last one we did do, actually.
Is that what it is?
The National Security Agency spied on millions of French citizens, according to the leading newspaper Le Monde.
Oh, that.
Good thing our top diplomat's on the case. At the end of a day of rapid developments, Mr. Kerry offered this explanation. Kerry said to the French, quote, Nations be spying, yo!
This ambassador knows what I'm talking about! Actually, that's not really what he said. This is really what he said.
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