John Oliver
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Well, John, I might be a journalist first, but I'm a person second. And what I saw this afternoon was a nation in pain. Roll it, Chuck.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
They were here to send a very clear message to Washington.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Some were simply too angry for words. and best day of the year. While others were inappropriately articulate.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
And the AIG controversy was just one of the scandals which brought people into the street.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
John, none of us can be 100% sure where I was, but there is one important thing I learned today. What would that be, John?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Yeah, and so I think the outsider perspective in comedy always works. The thing with being an immigrant here is you kind of have to learn the exact ways that your outsider perspective can translate. So you kind of have to learn, basically, how that can work. And once it does, you're fine. But until that point, it does feel a little bit like uncharted waters.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You have health insurance. This guy has health insurance. The guy with a skateboard and without functioning shoelaces. How the f*** does that work out? Even visitors to the island were initially impressed.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Tell us something else. If we know nothing else about ourselves, it's that we have guns to a genuinely problematic extent. That is not a fresh insight. Yeah. We genuinely know. Yes, exactly.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I'm so glad. My incredibly insightful advice of wait 24 months worked.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I still can't believe it. I just deep down didn't want to hear from you again for two years. That's all it was.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Oh, no, there wasn't those things.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I think you're now attacking the entire population of TikTok for trying.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
It's a very stylish mustard steak. Yeah, did you guys get fancy suits when you... No, we got no suits. I cannot... We were not given any... I'd never owned a suit. Check out this boomer. Coming on a daily show, telling us how good we have it. We didn't have a desk. We didn't have cameras. I had to go to a place to buy a suit. And doing filpies, you wreck them all the time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
For years here, there's nothing that made ex-correspondents more angry than hearing that we got free suits when we did. LAUGHTER And, yeah, that was the thing that bothered them the most. It was, no, no, you should have to go into the hole every year just to get a presentable suit. Now, look at you. You're all spiffy. Did the show pay for that? Yeah, the show did. Oh, f*** this. Monograms?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
They... You get monogrammed shirts now? Yeah, well, you know... Comedy Central has changed.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Oh, that's a move that I can't make.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Yeah, I mean... I mean, it's a horrible point, but it's a fair question. I guess now my answer would be, I'm a citizen. You can't do that. But I think the tricky thing is I felt ownership of... It's very dangerous. A British person saying, I felt ownership of this country historically does not go well. It's amazing. I just went to India and I felt like I belonged. LAUGHTER
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Until a few days later when they realized they'd been tricked into receiving socialized care.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I felt at home here long before my legal status was solid. That's the tricky thing as an immigrant. The more I felt at home here, the more cognizant you are of the fact that it's not up to you whether or not you get to stay or not. So it was a massive relief to get my green card and an even bigger relief to get my citizenship.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
So, yeah, despite the fact immigrants tend to talk shit, it's generally the kind of way that you talk shit with someone you genuinely love. Sure. Honestly, as a comedian, I only really talk shit as a way of expressing love. Professionally. Exactly. I don't really know how to express myself sincerely. Right, right. I like you. I'm never going to say that. F*** you, Ronnie. There you see?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You used to play the bad guy in Field Piece, right? You would say things you did not mean just to embody an argument that you do not agree with. Yeah. I mean, in Field Pieces, that's the way that we would operate all the time. In general, I mean, our show's a little different. Like, we're not in the... Yeah, I'm not asking about your show.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I think there'll always be a place for satire. I mean, there was a place for it in Germany in the 30s. It didn't seem to work out that well over there, but they gave it a go. Yeah. So, no, I think there will always be. And I, unlike you, I'm happy for people online to try and do it as well. Ronnie really would like nobody to have a voice. Nobody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
That is the thing. I don't think Americans understand how rough the US immigration process is. When they say to people, come in the right way, I don't think they realize how literally impossible that is in some aspects. When I got my green card here, they brought it to me in my office upstairs. And they gave me a Budweiser and an apple pie with a little American flag in it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Luckily, Republicans were here to save Hawaiians from themselves. What would you say to Hawaiians who say, I have government mandated health care and I love it?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
And I think they were giving it as if, like, here's a joke, right? Oh, you got it. You were always going to get it. Here it is. And I nearly cried. And for a British person, nearly crying is crying. That's as close... But I was so relieved because I was worried about it so much.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
And so I think you tend to find, like when we were talking before, exactly, when you find out someone just got their green card, you can kind of almost feel the relief coming off it because it's such a concern. It's not easy. No, it is not easy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You did not demonstrate extraordinary ability. That was at median level ability. That is the worst thing about coming in on a visa is, like, occasionally they'll look at the visa and say, what do you do? Because they're expecting a surgeon. Yeah. Someone with a marketable skill. And the moment you say comedian, they're like, this is not for you. Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
That's not... And also, then if it's all go, tell me something funny, like, or what? Is this a fun bit? Or is this the moment I get deported? Do I need a joke on hand? It demonstrates extraordinary ability in terms of word craft. Yes, it's incredibly stressful in a way people don't understand.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Immigrants, that's right. We get the job done. Yeah. I would say, what is more quintessentially American than coming to a country you don't belong in and deciding you're going to stay? Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I mean, I challenge you. You challenge me to be American? Yes. And how would one do that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
No, no, you've got a freaking tight spiral. We're going to go over there.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Right. And what would you say to a Hawaiian who said, what? That's meaningless. That's just a bit of folksy nonsense that doesn't have any real substance.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
What if that Hawaiian then said, OK, you've got that chance, dazzle me?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
These poor bastards just didn't realize they were living in a socialist nightmare, forced to scrounge for a living, unable even to afford shirts, many driven to suicide. But for those who do survive, what will their world look like?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Exactly. With only four decades of testing, America simply cannot afford to join this dangerous experiment. What would happen, do you think, if this health care system made it to the mainland? That question I couldn't answer. I'll tell you what the answer is. What is the answer? Every single person in the United States would be dead. Thank goodness we have experts like these to save us.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I am a law, a 2,000-page law. Congress passed me without one single flaw. I make sure Wall Street plays by the new regulations, protecting your investments across the entire nation.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I don't want to say it, but you look like s***. easy washington's a tough town john since getting past yeah i've taken a few shots but i'm still standing yeah yes yes i'm still standing i'm still here in fact just last week my all-new consumer financial protection board opened for business as soon as it gets a director we'll be off to the races so wait there's there's no director
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Confirmation in the Senate, there's no motion. Obama could have used a recess appointment to give her the job without her vote, but he didn't do it because his feelings weren't that strong. Wow. But you know what? That's interesting. You know what, John? It doesn't matter. I've still got 400 tough new rules to remake our broken and corrupt financial system.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
They're working great. The ones that are written are working great.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
It's a magic number. Yes, it is. Oh, it's a magic number. It might not be 400 or 150 or 77, but it's 38. And that's a magic number. Let's do this. Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling. LA Clippers forward Dale Wilkinson. Projectors tailback Reggie Rivers. They walk 38. And it's a magic number. Oh, it's a magic number.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You'll just have to take my word for it. He definitely exists.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Lobby, Lobby, that's your stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Hold it. I can't do this. Blaming lobbyists is a cop-out, John. Here's what's going down. This whole financial reform thing is a sham. The only way that Congress would pass me was if the details of my rules and regulations were left unspecified, giving K Street lobbyists all the time they would need to water me down post passage.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Hawaii. Not only is it an island paradise, it's also been held up as a model for healthcare reform. Here, government mandates that businesses give health insurance to any employee working over 20 hours a week, resulting in near universal coverage. Which made it the perfect place for the Republican National Committee to hold their annual meeting and deliver one key message.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
And you know what? Exactly. Boo, exactly. Thank you, boys and girls. Thank you. And do you know what? If any actual tough rule managed to squeak through, Congress people cut the budget of the agency responsible for enforcing it. The whole thing is a giant punt. I'm no law. I'm no law, John. I'm just an undefined, impotent, 2,300-page piece of legislative ****. You see this?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You see this here, John? LAUGHTER I stole this off the Voting Rights Act of 1965!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I know. I'm just a law, but my ass was raw. And my balls put through a circular saw. And everyone who swore up and down to support me Now they want Planned Parenthood to lay term aboard me. Last night I got hit by a car. It's gone too far for this law. Did I mention my ass was f***ing wrong?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Oh, let's see, let's see. Actually, I talked with this one chick. She had a pretty nice rack. Kind of a butter face. Anyway, she said, and I quote, Oh my God! The debate was awesome! You know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Do you think the American people should be thanking the Republican Party for destroying the healthcare bill?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Well, well, well, look who's come crawling back. Yes. We're all started. I know. It's pretty weird to be back. I do not like being in that guest room at all. Oh, really? That was the one room where I worked here you were not allowed to go in, and I don't like being in it now. It feels like I'm doing something wrong by being inside it. You never snuck in to see a guest? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
We were never allowed to really be in there because it had to be kept nice for the guest. Yeah. And it never really occurred to me one day I might be that, and I still don't feel it. So I put my bag in there and then stood in the corridor for the rest of it. I don't want to be in there at all. Yeah, but this place brings back to my memories. You were here. You were in this building.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I was very much in this building, yeah. This was the reason I came to America, and I was here for eight years. Yeah, same.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
And you were like, no, come before work. There's nothing I like more than talking to people who have questions about how to make field pieces. Yeah. Because it's such a narrow set of skills. Yes. And all of your questions were great. I remember you leaving and thinking, oh, you're going to be fine. Even though you don't have the answers yet, all your questions are right, so you're going to be fine.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
But for some reason, Hawaiians didn't understand how bad their own system was. Healthcare is awesome, you know, especially with my baby.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You do not have a problem. I will say, before... Before we make it too sincere, you do have that unique skill set of not minding being a dick to people.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You will go hard. In the marrow of my bones, sometimes when our lawyers say they're going to be upset, you go, I'm not having a physical reaction to that at all. Yes. It is of no concern to me whether the Sackler family are mad with me or not. To be honest, I'm a little bit, it's a tingle of happiness. Yeah, but that's kind of what you need to do. Yeah, definitely, yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I like the feeling of trouble. Yeah, you do, yeah. In comedy, because I'm probably a natural coward in many ways, but when it comes to comedy, I do like the feeling of being in real trouble. Yeah, it's weird. You talked about it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
That is true. That's the amazing thing about doing jobs like this. When you get into comedy, it's not generally thinking that you will see a human being's breakfast time. No. But yeah, that's right. You came very early. You looked bright and early. You showered. I had no complaints.