There are more updates from Joanne in Cape Town this week. They are as fantastic as you'd imagine. Meanwhile, back in the UK, Vogue might have some explaining to do to her kids. Plus, the Wandsworth Prison scandal, the Brad Pitt scam & where Vogue's uncanny impression of Sandra came from.If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [email protected] review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.comFor more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.
Chapter 1: What updates does Joanne have from Cape Town?
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Hello and welcome. Oh, hello and welcome.
I'm coming to you live from Kipton. I'm still here. Holding the entire tourism economy together, frankly.
I was thinking to myself, she better not come back in February because as with a Tuesday being the worst day of the week, February is the worst month of the year. By far.
Is it? I thought I, but I was, I'm erasing January to erase February as well. I don't know if even I can drink that much.
January is the worst.
no January are you mad everyone's like oh it's great like we're over Christmas we're turning over a new leaf and then by February it's like fuck that leaf it's crap and then it's too cold to do anything so you're like oh now I'm still and it's gonna probably snow for the whole of February February's the worst
But then, Vogue, then what happens with March? You know, March doesn't promise much either. So then what happens? I just don't come back.
March isn't that bad. The days are getting brighter. It's not as cold. March, you're like, you'll be ready by March, I should think.
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Chapter 2: Why do Vogue and Joanne think January is the worst month?
Do you know, I came to Kipton to try and get ridden by a hooligan. Had I known that I could just check into Wandsworth Prison, I'd live down the road from the prison.
Be so handy. You wouldn't even have to pack a bag. They give you everything you need. It's like, this sounds like five-star accommodation. Dressing games.
Yeah. Do they have a spa? What else? Go on, vote. Finish.
The recording lasts some four and a half minutes, during which you gave the prisoner... We don't want any longer than that. Yeah. I was thinking it's maybe a minute and a half too long.
Agreed.
During which you gave the prisoner oral sex, then vaginal intercourse in a number of positions before concluding by giving more oral sex.
This is not real. He did not read this out. Should I drop dead? This is what I wanted to read to you. I'm not finished.
I'm not finished. I just finished. I just finished. You participated with evident enthusiasm.
My job here is done.
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Chapter 3: What scandal occurred at Wandsworth Prison?
Where's the regional coming from? I remember once I was chatting to a lad and he was doing an impersonation of his mother and he gave her like a country accent. And then later on in the day, he revealed that his mother's actually Dutch. But he'd given her this Irish country accent that she did not in any way have.
But it's just like when you do your mother, your Irish mother, we just give them this generic Irish mother kind of Midlands country accent. Yeah.
Yeah. A guy fired his brother from a bakery for stealing baked goods.
That's the fucking point of working in a bakery. What's wrong with these people?
Well, he said he fired him for unauthorized snacking.
Oh, come on.
When I used to work in the summit shop... I used to work in the summit shop and I used to... There was obviously a 99 machine there. So I used to just like a little bit of 99 in the cup for me. And there was penny sweets. And I'm sorry, penny sweets are for everyone. Victimless crime. Victimless crime. Come on.
I mean, the markup on 99s is insane anyway. Like... I can imagine you with your mouth open, just like pulling the fucking lever, the cream down straight in.
I support that. Exactly what it's in. My friends used to come into the shop and I'd be like, they'd leave with about 10 99s on one 99. I'm like, watch how big I can make this. They'd actually be vomiting after it. There'd be so much. 99.
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