Sarah Spain
Appearances
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Yeah, you're okay.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Into, yeah. Just to be more specific, to put a finer point on it, Richard Gere allegedly put a gerbil in his ass.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
To your point about going hard, once you pull out your Michael Jackson, so to speak, no one's really going to lay what they've got on the table to try to compete. So once you've established that this is what the halftime show looks like from here on out, it's no longer about trying to counter-program. It's about understanding that you're not winning.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
No, I was going to say, we want nothing to do with controversy, so we're backing Michael Jackson.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Yeah. We actually started some group chats with multiple other people too, but didn't invite you.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Yeah, nothing to do with minors whatsoever.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
You too.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Still am.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
I had only remembered seeing the photo of him where he got a bunch of fat injected in his face and he looked like that lady who got more and more progressively like a cat due to her plastic surgery.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
That's the only reference point I had to this guy.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
I can't believe you know the cat lady's name.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Wow.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
I guess I should say, meow.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Don't have to get ready if you stay ready. You know what I mean?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
You can't say flaccid without thinking of a dick.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
That would be a good rap duo. then who ends up with Flaccid, I guess?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
And then test each other's boners. I'm trying to piece together how we went from getting plasma to boner data. Yeah.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Right. What's that, you know, you talk long enough and Hitler comes up? It's that for men with d**ks.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Just real quick, back to the boners. His name is Johnson. It's a little on the nose or I guess on the dick, but the point is he's testing his boners next to his sons in order to prove that that part of the aging process that isn't affecting him is sexual virility.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
I was going to say, I feel like we view mascots the same then.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Couldn't you compare it to other 47-year-olds instead? Or couldn't you compare it to anonymous data from many people in their early 20s instead of, weirdly— posting about your son's boners, tagging him in those posts, and then saying, raise your kids to stand firm and upright.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
This part to me is like a departure from the already weird obsession with not dying is also this desire to be connected to his son, both in terms of like injecting his plasma into him, but then also having boner offs. Like, is this weird to you guys? Or am I just a woman?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
The immediate urge was the crotch grab.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Or clone him or, you know, any number of weird sci-fi rich person weird things to take the next step.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Yeah. Yeah.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Clearly. Have you seen Benny the Bull?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
He's in the cult.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Yeah, he's already, that sounds like something you'd write with a gun to your head.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
He's in the turgid place. He can't think straight. He's constantly erect. His dad won't let him stop getting boners. Also, not the point of the clip, but isn't he rich enough to get a more believable hair dye? That doesn't occur in nature.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Like, if the point is to look younger, like, a real easy just boxed hair dye is not going to cost you much, and it's going to do wonders for selling people on your age.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Yep. You can get it.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Yeah, Mark Jones is on The Substance.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
I don't want to bring the party to a flaccid point, but I brought a sports topic. I forgot which show I was on, I guess. But I did want to bring it because I think you're both brilliant dudes, and I'm kind of interested to see where your brain takes what could happen next. So I don't know how familiar you are with the NWSL having a new CBA that they signed a couple months ago.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
And part of it that we're now seeing manifest is they got rid of the draft altogether. They got rid of the college draft. They got rid of the expansion draft. There's no restrictions on movement for players at all. If you're out of a contract, you get to decide where you go. If you want to get traded, you have to agree to it. A team cannot trade you anywhere without you agreeing to it.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
And free agents can sign whenever they want. There's not even restricted free agency where the team that originally had their rights has a chance to match. It is entirely players' rights now. And this is in part because the NWSL is having trouble competing with World Soccer and FIFA that operated in an entirely different way, right?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
So if a global team was trying to get you to play for them, you might choose them purely because you don't want to get drafted to somewhere that you have no choice. And... you know, that was a disadvantage to the NWSL.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
So this is the first real offseason where we're seeing not only collegiate and younger players just sign with whatever team they choose, but also seeing all these free agents potentially choose NWSL, WSL, which is the European Women's League in England, Naomi Germa, who's a superstar for the U.S.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
national team and was playing for the San Diego Wave, just left and went to Chelsea out in England, had the biggest transfer fee of over a million dollars for a female player ever, and signed a four-year deal with them. And because of the way they restructured their rules, that was able to happen during a transfer window.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Yeah, I mean, there's the spectacle and the entertainment side of it, but then there's also how it serves a league. So, for instance, in the past, there was a Supreme Court ruling, this Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer wrote in Brown v. Football, 1996,
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
clubs that make up a professional sports league are not completely independent economic competitors as they depend on a degree of cooperation for economic survival. So in the past, basically, antitrust laws and things that people felt like a draft were in violation of were able to be saved around the idea that each individual part of a professional league is really just one company, sort of.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
And in the NWSL, that argument really wouldn't have worked because it didn't help the health of the league to have a draft when the rest of global football didn't. So it benefits the health of the NWSL to operate in the same system as FIFA football and global football. The NFL would have different rules. The NBA would have different rules.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
So yes, it's very interesting to think about, for player rights purposes, how you might replace the draft and do something else. But also, it would be harder to get rid of it in the professional men's leagues in the U.S. because of the fact that they aren't really operating in a global system the same way the NWSL wants to.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
No, this is a very essentially American thing. to take away an individual's rights and put them instead with a league or a team. In global football, with like, let's say, Naomi Gurma and transfer fees. Naomi Gurma is headed to Chelsea because she wanted to go there and they wanted her. She was under contract with the San Diego wave of the NWSL through the end of 2026.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
So first, San Diego and Chelsea have to agree on a transfer fee, which is the amount of money Chelsea is going to pay San Diego to have the rights to Naomi Gurma. That's over a million dollars. And then they also have to convince Naomi Gurma to go there and sign there. Even if they agreed on the trade and the transfer fee, she would not have to go there unless she agreed to it.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
So at every turn, there is both a negotiation between clubs on a transfer fee and a negotiation between player and club. An interesting element that is potentially going to come up and is already being discussed in the MLS is should a player get a percentage of that transfer fee? Because ultimately, it's their value that's dictating how much is being paid and why.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
So soccer is basically operating now in terms of global rules because we're behind. America is the one catching up. Whereas all the other leagues, we're sort of setting the precedent. And so I think it'd be harder to unravel. But if I were a men's professional athlete in the U.S. looking over at the NWSL...
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Would I have a lot of thoughts about how much better it would be to be able to pick where I got to go instead of getting sent to fill in the blank where allegedly parody is what's driving things. But you know that it's a bad team that's poorly run with bad facilities, bad owners, everything else. And you have no choice. You're stuck there.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
You just made me think of something that I want to add, which is another way that women's leagues are saying what we've always done doesn't have to be the way we keep doing it. The Professional Women's Hockey League, the PWHL, uses a draft order point system so that the team with the most points after they've been eliminated gets a better pick.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
So once you know you're not making it, you have to try hard instead of getting worse. So there's a lot of ways that I think women's professional sports are trying to look at what we've complained about for decades on the men's side. Unrivaled, for instance, uses an Elam ending for the fourth quarter of every single game. If people aren't familiar with that, it means you've got a target score.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
They do have a tune together. Yep.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
You've got a game winner every single game instead of let's have 8,000 free throws and drag out the finish. So women's sports are looking at the things that aren't working in men's and trying out new things because they're not beholden to nostalgia and tradition and people who will be mad about, you know, mixing things up.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
As far as the NWSL goes, we are right in the midst of seeing the first handful of college players getting signed to teams. It's missing a bit of the pageantry in terms of draft day night.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
But I had the executive director of the NWSLPA, Megan Burkhan, and the Players Association president, Tori Huster, on my podcast, Good Game with Sarah Spain, plug there, to talk about this right after the CBA went through. And one of the things they talked about is that was an artificial pageantry. The real moment where you feel like a pro is when you sign your contract.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
not when you put the hat on. So can you make that my pro moment? Can you find a way to put some pageantry behind the contract signing and that decision? Or in high school, for instance, we've got the people who line up the hats on the table and then tell you where they're going on decision day.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
You could do that sort of thing the same way for players that are getting to decide their team as opposed to being drafted.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
The dating game. The dating game. You've got the player, and then behind the wall, you've got four teams.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Who are saying, here's our facilities. Here's our record of winning. Here's where you'll live if you live here. Here's our tax situation. Exactly. The thing is, like, there are some legitimate questions about this in terms of how do you make sure teams are able to keep up, especially smaller markets? How do you ensure that there is a little bit of parity and it's not super lopsided?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
How do you keep fans interested in an also-ran team if they don't have the hope of a draft, the hope of that savior that's coming in?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
On the other hand, you force every team to have better resources and investment and good coaches and a plan to win because they can't get by on luck and the idea that if they fail, they're still going to get a shot at a star.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
There's loyalty and respect going both ways where a player wants to be there and you want to have them that might result in better relationships and conversations when you have to choose where you want to go and stay there if you want to stay there. I mean...
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Or she could Tom Cruise it and like fly down on a wire from the suite to the field like he did at the Olympics.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
I think there's a lot of doomsday scenarios to keep a system in place the same way that we had doomsday scenarios about NIL and paying players in college solely so that we could keep the billionaires rich and keep the player without any rights.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
I found out that I really want to see a Wyatt Cenac documentary about In Living Color. So I want that to happen somehow, some way. I also found out that being a billionaire is not as fun as it looks for the millionth time. I don't know how many stories we need to hear about miserable billionaire men before we finally stop in any way idolizing that lifestyle or them.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
But this is just like the latest in a long, long list of just deeply upsetting results of being too rich.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Smoked a couple cigs in the locker room.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Did a bunch of drugs that made your body still function but completely unfeeling.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Yeah. Are you still doing that? I would love to watch that.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
And to your point, they were not winning halftime. It was dead time to go get your snacks or you'd turn away and watch something else. So they were trying to keep people around in a way that you never have to do anymore because it's part of the show.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
By the way, nice to meet you, Wyatt.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
So they got Color Me Bad to close things out. I presume I want to sex you up.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
And now we have wet ass pussy. The times have changed.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
I know what you guys are thinking. You're thinking, hey, are these bozos going to make us miss any part of the second half?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
I'm a very big fan of yours, and my husband and I really loved your show, Problem Areas, because I thought the vibe was just excellent.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
I'm not going to lie. Brian Boitano was big in our family. Brian Boitano and Dorothy Hamill getting excited for some Winter Olympic figure skating. We would have been in.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
It does sort of, I mean, in a way, though, it does resemble Super Bowl halftimes in the sense of, you know, taking over the field with all these dancers and visual elements. It's just so, like, corny.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Oh, so good. I can't believe I've never seen that before.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
What's also fascinating, and for the youngsters watching, they might not realize this, but Fox Network did not launch until 1986. So this is four years after the network launched. And if you remember, the beginning of the network was all about being disruptive to the traditional ABC, NBC, CBS. It was Tracy Ullman, The Simpsons, In Living Color, Married with Children.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Yeah, Pablo was never fun on that show except for as the whipping boy.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
It was all these things that were a little bit edgier. And the idea that Fox now... couldn't do those sketches because they want the rights and own the rights. Like, everyone's in bed with the NFL now or everyone feels like they have a chance to be in bed because you can even have games as Netflix and streaming services.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
Back then, Fox was like the little kid, the little brother that was never going to win
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
PTFO: Share & Halftime & Tell with Wyatt Cenac and Sarah Spain
rights to have the games so they felt perfectly comfortable skewering them like you just don't see that these days from major networks because they all have to be playing nice just in case they have a deal with them the same way like espn had to stop running that playmaker show and and the nfl was like yeah sorry you can't do that they have so much power now that to watch that is something to think about here where it's like oh you could just do that then because they didn't think they had a shot and now of course fox is is in bed with the giant
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Oral History of the Dan Le Batard Show: Episode 9
The name is Spain, but they call me the commish. C-O-M-M-I-S-H. You don't want to mess with this. Step into the grid and I'll rule your world. The show's alpha male is a ball busted girl. When you pick your fate, you know I'll make it stick. Save your excuses. Yo, they don't mean the horrors of the grid. Best believe the hype like sand to your neck or a bowl full of tripe.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Oral History of the Dan Le Batard Show: Episode 9
Running like Baywatch, eating a whale. A whole damn show with your hand in a pail. Call me up. when you need me to rule. You get so nervous, you start to drool. Stomach is twisting, now you're clenching your butts. Sick like you ate 36 doughnuts. Please take it easy on us. Please, Sarah Spain. You know I'm bringing the pain. The name is Spain, but they call me the commish.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Oral History of the Dan Le Batard Show: Episode 9
A velvet glove with an iron fist. Fat face Dan and his little wiener friend. In case you didn't hear me, gonna say it again. The name is Spain, but they call me the commish. A velvet glove with an iron fist. Fat face Dan and the wiener stew. Never forget who I am to you. I'm the commish. Don't F with this. I'm the commish. I said you don't F with this. Yes, I'm the commish.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Oral History of the Dan Le Batard Show: Episode 9
I said don't F with this. Excellent.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Oral History of the Dan Le Batard Show: Episode 9
There's more. There's more. Ain't you sorry? Look at you two. Can't believe Burt Reynolds kept talking to you. I got laid a lot, he said without blinking. What's that like, you were probably thinking. Well, all of South Beach has been getting boom, boom. Dan's been dropping heaters in the Clevelander bathroom. Stu's ain't sleeping on his living room couch.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Oral History of the Dan Le Batard Show: Episode 9
When he smells like gas, wifey always finds him out. Two sorry gas bags from 10 to 1. Their war on football just ain't no fun. Why you so mean? Take it easy on the guys. Don't you worry, I can barely hear him cry. For fat-faced Dan and his wiener sidekick, ain't nothing new to get dissed by a chick. Excellent. The name is Spain, but they call me the commish. A velvet glove with an iron fist.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Oral History of the Dan Le Batard Show: Episode 9
Fat-faced Dan and his little wiener friend. In case you don't remember, gonna say it again. The name is Spain, but they call me the commish. A velvet glove with an iron fist. Fat-faced Dan and the wiener stew. Never forget who I am to you. I'm the commish. You don't F with this. Said I'm the commish. Yeah, you don't F with this. Yes, I'm the commish. Don't F with this.