Kareem Rahma
Appearances
SubwayTakes
Coming Soon: SubwayTakes
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kareem Rahma speaking, the host of Subway Takes. So what's your take? Yeah, that show. I'm here to tell you some pretty cool news. We are launching a podcast. That's right. We are launching a gosh darn podcast right here wherever you're listening to this little trailer. The first show we're launching is called Subway Takes Uncut, and it's exactly what it sounds like.
SubwayTakes
Coming Soon: SubwayTakes
It is Subway Takes Uncut. It is longer interviews with your favorite guests all taking place on the train. Every episode starts with, so what's your take? And then I have no idea where they're going to take us. But... It is a fun, crazy, zany, wild, interesting show. So tune in on the TalkHouse network wherever you listen to pods. And I got to catch the train, so I'll see you around.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
So you didn't go to the Oscars for the film that you were in. Yeah. That won Best Picture. Yeah. Because the tickets were too, you just didn't want to spend.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Did he give it to you in person?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Oh, that's cool. That's like old Hollywood.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Like he came up to you with the script. Yeah, with the envelope. Read this.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
That's great. I wonder how to maintain... I wonder why some people cannot maintain... A morsel or kernel of being a human after they experience some level of a phenomena called fame. And then others seemingly have a very good grasp on being a human and decide, I'm just going to keep doing the same thing that I've always done.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
You're really miserable. I don't know what to do about it. You have such a nice smile when it makes a rare appearance. Yeah, yeah. It's really nice. Are you hitting on me? I'm complimenting a friend. Thank you. I'm complimenting a pal.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
yeah the buddy comedy yeah the buddy drama but are you happy yeah you're happy you're not a curmudgeon i'm pretty happy right now for for a 50 year old yeah yeah you're not ready to start get off my lawn or are you doing that i don't have a lawn i live on the bqe your metaphorical lawn yeah get off the bqe
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Get off the dang BQE. It's true. Get underground. Yeah. Find yourself on the subway.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Oh, nice to see you again. Nice to see you. You helped me buy a Halloween costume. What was I wearing again? Green pants or something? Or a skeleton shirt. I was looking for a skeleton shirt. Thank you for that. You too. Nice to see you again.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
That's all you did? It was Halloween, and I was doing a show, a punk rock show. I'm in a band. I'm in a band. Tiny? Gun. Gun. I'll let you hear it. Okay. Give me a second. All right?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Oh, okay. That's the fellas. Pretty good, right? Yeah. When's your next gig? We're playing in Minneapolis next week. What venue? We're playing at this new venue called Green Room.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
That one's actually free. Is it? Yeah, all you got to do is tweet out one nice comment about Minneapolis. You just say like, oh, look at this. There's so many lakes in the city.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
That's a nice place. Yeah, yeah. What were you doing there?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, we played it. Oh, look at this. One of the old trains. Yeah. We can take this. I want to get your take on some other takes that have been on the show. So, this note here says Michael Shannon. It has no other notes. It's blank. It's blank. So, you got 100% agree or 100% disagree? This is a yes or no. That's how the show works. Okay. We need to abolish Wi-Fi on airplanes.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
No. 100% disagree. That makes people happy, some people. Yeah, I think keep the Wi-Fi. I agree. Yeah. But I do think that there is a nice... It's really nice to be on an airplane watching movies. That are, you know, there's only a certain number of movies available. Yeah. And you only have to pick from those.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Wow, that's incredible. Yeah. But you were an actor... on the screen before you were an actor on the stage, correct? No, stage first. Oh, stage first. Stage first. Stage and then big break. Yeah, yeah. Groundhog Day. Don't know if you guys have heard of it. Stage, then big break, then back to the stage.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
No. No one cared. No, no. Alright, let's see your take on this other take. So somebody came on the show recently and they said that every straight guy should try butt stuff at least twice. No.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I read the synopsis of Eric Leroux. Yes. And I also discovered that it's your directorial debut. It is, it is. Which seems like a real... a real decision to make. Because I'm sure you've had the opportunity to direct films before.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
You don't have to. I'm just following instructions. You don't have to elaborate if you don't want to. Yeah, it's a solid no. Look, I agreed on the episode mostly because I want people to like me. Yeah. I'm a people pleaser. Yeah. But personally, it's not for me. No. I've had things in and around. No, not in. I've had things around. I had a colonoscopy. We can talk about that.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I would love to because I actually just thought about how I'm 38 now. I just had a kid. Do it. Why do it? Do it. Why? You don't know what's going on up there. But it sounds scary. For your kid. I know. I just had the kid, and now that I had the kid, I'm really worried about, like, that kind of thing. Yeah. Like, I need to get the cold. I mean, you seem healthy, though. I think I look all right.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Yeah. I feel all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I probably drink a little too much.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
No, not like that. That's what they want us to do. They want us to drink? Yeah. Do you drink? I used to. You quit. I stopped. Good. That's what I'll do. Following my footsteps. I want to be like Mike. Yeah. Rock stars without tattoos always make better music. No. I'm just going to keep going on. Michael Stipe has a tattoo.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
He's got a tattoo. You know who doesn't? Who? Paul McCartney.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
David Bowie. No tattoo. Yeah, yeah. No tattoo.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
You got them. Are they cool or are they uncool?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Get a funny tattoo? I have my name spelled incorrectly on my thigh. And I got that because I think it's funny. Well, that's cool. I also have a worm, like a hobo worm.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
with like a little stick in a bag oh that's cute yeah yeah i like that yeah i think it's i think it's funny i look down when i'm when i'm pooping because the the incorrect name and the homeless worm are both here yeah and sometimes i give a little your heart swells with pride i have a little chuckle yeah yeah no no do you have any do you have a four-leaf clover what the fuck
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I mean, he's dang Irish. Oh, heck yeah.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I literally did guess that. I promise you that I did not do any research. You've been looking at naked pictures of me online? As you can probably tell by this interview, I didn't do any research. Well, it was blank. It just said Michael Shannon on a black page. But I knew you had a four-leaf clover. How? Because you're Irish. There's tons of pictures online where you can see it.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Brother, all Irish people have a tattoo of a four-leaf clover. True. If they have a tattoo. Yeah. I'm very proud to be Irish. You know, the Irish, I feel like, are having a real resurgence in popularity. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
From Paul Mescal to just the vibe that Ireland brings to the global stage at the moment when it comes to human rights and such. Yeah, they're civilized. They're good civilized people. I love the Irish. I tried to get my friends to go on a bachelor party to Ireland. And they said, no, we're going to Denver.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
So your subway takes is that people should take the subway?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Yeah, I was thinking we could go do a road trip. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
It's not poo-pooing, it's just, would you rather go to Ireland or Denver? I would rather go to Ireland. Ireland, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I have a couple more. Okay. Are you having fun? Yeah. I like your shirt.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Oh, that's cool. If you pay rent, you should own a little bit of that property. No. Oh, man.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I think you kind of look like a curmudgeon, but every once in a while that little smile comes out. You have to work for it. I know. I got it a couple times. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Not now, no. I think I see it popping out. No? Like a little ray of sunshine. Like a little ray of sunshine. Do you have any advice for a young father of a daughter? That's me. She's only 13 months.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
But I'm still asking for advice in case, you know.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Directing, it seems stressful.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Yeah, yeah. So you'd much rather prefer to show up and do the job?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
And what drew you to this story in particular? I saw, yeah, you mentioned just about a school shooter, and it's really about his parents coping with, what did we do? Is this our fault? Right, right. And so that kind of... That's tension. I mean, that's a big tension.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Did coming from an acting perspective make directing a film that you're not in more difficult or easier?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
You think you'll do it again?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I'll write something for you.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Yeah, it's about this guy named Kareem. Okay. And his pal, Michael. Oh, okay. And what they're doing is they are on a mission. Mission? To open... A new New York City souvenir shop.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I know. And that's why it's so crazy and zany.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Because everyone's like, you can't open a New York souvenir shop. The city's filled with them.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
And they're like, no, no, you don't get it. We have a vision. Right. It's going to have a coffee shop in it. Right. And it's also going to sell vinyls.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
But you take the subway often.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Yeah, it's about two guys that want to open an indie target. It's an indie target. I do think a buddy comedy could be nice, though. I would like to see me and you in a buddy comedy.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I actually have a really good pitch. Where we're crying the whole time. I have a great pitch. Yeah. I've been thinking about this movie.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
No, no. I've been thinking about this movie a lot. Okay. I'm serious. Okay. So it's me and it's you. Alright. We're roommates. And we've been roommates for 20 years. Like, we're good friends. Best friends.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
After 20 years? Platonic heterosexual life partner. Okay. But... Like an odd couple. Then I get a girlfriend.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
And I got to go, Michael, I'm moving out. And you are so sad. It's like marriage story. I'm already upset. Yeah, exactly. You're just pitching it. And you do everything in your power to keep me there. And I'm like, dude, it's not your fault, Michael. I'm growing up. I'm in love. I want to move in with my girlfriend.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
No, no. It's more like marriage story. Oh, okay. It's more like you're like, is it my fault? Can I do something? Did I do something different? And I'm like, no, it's over. Right. It doesn't have to be over just because you met somebody. But the roommate ship is over. Me and you being roommates, we're done. Can't she just move in with us?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
It's really ridiculous. There's a lot of cars. What does it take for you to take a car?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Of course she can move in with us, but that's a different movie. That's not the drama.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
But that's more fun. I want to do a male best friend breakup movie. That's what I'm thinking about. Because nobody's really exploring the male friendship beyond buddy comedy. It's like you've got great films like Superbad and almost every movie with two guys is a buddy comedy.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I think you're 50-ish. Yeah, 50 on the nose. Directed your first movie at 50. Yeah. Kind of a renaissance, man. You've got a band that you play in. Yeah. I believe there are two bands. There's the R.E.M. band. There's a bunch of bands. Yeah, the R.E.M. band. That's the one I've been doing mostly lately, the R.E.M. band. And I'm assuming... That you love R.E.F.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Now, when you started that project, did you hit stipe on text and say, I'm starting an R.E.M. cover band, or you just did it and surprised them?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
How do you decide what to pick up and what to put down? Because I suffer from the same disease, I suppose, which is that I like to do a lot of different things. And sometimes they don't connect. So I have a band. It's called Tiny Gun. We make rock and roll. I act. I'm in a movie. I directed it. Or no, I didn't direct it. I wrote it, produced it, and starred in it. Then I have shows like this.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I'm kind of just doing whatever I feel like doing. That's the way to do it, man. I mean...
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
But not in the way that you sometimes now see people on the internet being like... I wake up at 5 a.m., I journal in my diary, then I dunk my face in a bucket of ice, and then I take a cold shower. Right. And then I do that. Like, you're not saying you've got to optimize.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
You have a Chicago accent? Well, you didn't really grow up in Chicago?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
But is the accent fake? That's the only thing I care about. I don't even know how to answer that question. Answer it honestly. Is the Chicago accent fake? Are you doing it because you're like... Because I'm on your program?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I mean, I do know that, but only when you're acting. I want to know the real Michael Shannon. Too bad. You speak in Jamaican patois most of the time? Yeah, most of the time.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Yeah. We have to get off here. That's funny. This used to be my stop. This is my stop, actually. Oh, it is? Literally. Oh, okay. I live here now.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Yeah. Windsor Terrace? Exactly.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Little known neighborhood. I like it. It's a great neighborhood. The Chicago accent, though. Yeah. I'm not going to let it go. Okay. People... I'm from Minneapolis. Oh, I've been there. I've been there, too. Whoa. Whoa. Service train. Yeah. So I'm from Minneapolis, and what I've found is that when I tell people that I'm from the Midwest, they like me more, honestly. They do?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
They do like me more, yeah. It's like an endearing quality.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Being from the Midwest. People love you more, I think. They're like, oh, look, Midwestern guy. You don't agree with that?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
That's not true. It is. It's not true. I think that's one of the reasons you're so beloved. You think so? I think it might be. I don't think it's your acting chops. Yeah, no, it wouldn't be that. It wouldn't be that. I think that in terms of acting, you could use a little bit of... Help? Appreciation. Oh, yeah. Well... I feel like you're underrated, personally.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
what do they do to you they pitch me takes oh do they all the time all day long i can't even go on the subway i actually have to take a city bike and wear a disguise oh wow i'm sorry about that you know i got this movie coming out i made eric will rule which is kind of about it's about the parents of a school shooter and
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I bet you don't want to talk about this right now. Really? I think you're underrated. I think you're very underrated. I really do. I don't know if this is an uncomfortable subject for you.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I know, but I think we need... I want to generate more excitement around Michael Shannon.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
No, you don't need to be there. Okay. You don't need to be there, but I think we need to call your agents and say, like... Or my publicist. Jesus. Is that... Great. So we need to tell her. To amp it up? No, we want to make Michael Shannon a star. A star. Not a famous actor or a great actor or one of the greats. We want to make him a star.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
This is my fucking point, okay? I'm sorry. I'm just going to... This is my fucking point. Michael Shannon doesn't have a fucking star on the Hollywood Walk of... What is this? It makes no sense. Well, you know, they cost money. I don't care.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Can I pay for my own star? You could. Right now. Yeah, I think so. Oh, so it's not even a real thing?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
This is good information. I'm buying you a star. When this video comes up, I'm going to do a GoFundMe.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
I'm going to do a GoFundMe. Get Michael Shannon. I actually might do this. Verbally, can I have your permission?
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
But if you keep thinking like that, you're never going to get a star. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
it's true you know what i mean like the money that money is going to a lot of things all the time yeah there's money constantly going to things and look i'm pro things i'm pro fundraising i'm pro i'm pro things i'm pro bettering the world world but sometimes i feel like you know you're keeping such a low profile you're such a humble guy like i want to go out of my technically you're a cause to me you're a cause like what if you spend all that money and you get the star and then somebody just like pees on it or something it's inevitable
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
Yeah. Hollywood Boulevard, you know. Hollywood Bullshit-a-vard. Bullshit-a-vard, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like that? I do. You know, one of my favorite things that you've ever done that I've seen in my life, I'm not going to mention a film right now, I'm actually going to mention a photograph.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
You were sitting at the bar in Chicago.
SubwayTakes
Michael Shannon Says Friendship is Serious Business | Uncut
You were sitting at the Old Town Alehouse on the night of the Oscars when the film that you were in, Shape of Warner, was nominated for 13 Oscars. It won and won Best Picture. And you were in Chicago at the bar.
SubwayTakes
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No, the painter.
SubwayTakes
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We do have to agree.
SubwayTakes
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You guys are driving me nuts.
SubwayTakes
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Yeah, but you're the boss. You're the manager.
SubwayTakes
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I mean, I would like to know. Drop a comment if you like the boys episodes. Boys only.
SubwayTakes
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Well, as a social media expert and online internet entrepreneur, they can actually comment on Spotify now.
SubwayTakes
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Directly under the episode.
SubwayTakes
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Yeah. Okay. Oh, one thing we need to figure out is how to fucking set up a Google Voice thing.
SubwayTakes
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Yeah, I want people to call in.
SubwayTakes
The SubwayTakes chat line is open! Call in and leave your take! 347-746-5518
But for some reason, I'm banned and you're also banned. Neither of us can set up Google Voice. I have a feeling it's because we both used it for nefarious reasons. Wait, now I do have it.
SubwayTakes
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no no i went to my i went to just voice.google.com and apparently i have one unread message one missed call and one new voicemail oh shit that's but i don't i don't know what my phone number is that's who are you giving this number out to you at one point then you must have been giving this number out to if you've got uh voicemails waiting for can you try calling me
SubwayTakes
The SubwayTakes chat line is open! Call in and leave your take! 347-746-5518
How do I find my number? To call and text, get a Google Voice number. But what?
SubwayTakes
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Now, you had a vows, the illustrious vows announcement in the New York Times. Something of a flex. You think? I don't know. I feel like maybe when the paper was important... and not the digital version. It was like a real flex. Do you know what I mean? It was like, oh, you're in Vows. Maybe now it's less of a flex. I don't know. I'm not saying this is like an asshole. No, no, no.
SubwayTakes
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I'm so confused, dude. This doesn't make any sense. It's saying that I'm able to receive calls, but I don't know what my phone number is. You want to try it?
SubwayTakes
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Oh, my God. I don't know what's happening. I guess they're using my actual phone number in Google Voice.
SubwayTakes
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I'm literally lost right now. Google's not a mess. Google's awesome.
SubwayTakes
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I think that they would just submit their takes. Wow, I have a phone number now.
SubwayTakes
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I don't want to go through this.
SubwayTakes
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Should I go back? Because last time I did this, I got kicked out. And now they're letting me have a number. Oh, they're like teasing you. I'm taking the number. I'm taking what they're giving me.
SubwayTakes
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It's fucking New Jersey, dude. They don't have any New York numbers left. But at least we have this now.
SubwayTakes
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That's rude. New Jersey's cool.
SubwayTakes
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You're so rude.
SubwayTakes
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Of course. We have all the time in the world. Wait, I have a phone number and I forgot to copy it and paste it. Oh, I have it. All right. People can call us. What's the number? All right, guys. What's up? My name is Kareem Rama, host of Subway. You know how I alternate between Rama and Rahma. So guys, you can call us. I just set up a Google voice.
SubwayTakes
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You can call us and leave your take and we'll play it on the show. I think that's what we'll do. or leave comments and feedback and suggestions. The number is 347-746-5518. Again, that's 347-746-5518.
SubwayTakes
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What the heck is up, everyone? It's your boy, Kareem Rahma. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Let me tell you all about it. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Just like me. Just kidding. I can't. I don't think I can say that. Anyways, I love Squarespace. I have been using it for quite some time now. And it's dang awesome.
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No, dude. It was totally a moment in time. I look back on that movie as a moment in time. Right. And sometimes when I'm in the doldrums, I think about that movie.
SubwayTakes
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No, I feel like the guy. I feel like Zach Braff in that film.
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Yeah, and his mom died and he has to see all his old freak friends.
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I mean, when I went to Minneapolis during the pandemic and the George Floyd cultural revolution, race revolution, civil rights movement, slash my brother was in the hospital almost dead, and I was getting a divorce all at the same time, I felt like him. I was back home for three months, first time in a long time. Everyone's dying, upheaval everywhere.
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I wasn't a failure, but I was certainly not a success. And I remember that I felt like that movie.
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But I do... I do wonder how they choose like who goes because one week it's you and Malou and another week it's like this Texas couple who met at a ranch and is now getting married in like the Brooklyn Botanical Garden.
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But no, that's when I moved back. That's when I moved back to New York.
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No, that was in Bed-Stuy.
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In Minneapolis, I was exclusively drinking alcohol. I lost a lot of weight. I looked awesome.
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I mean, the all-drinking diet will get you slim.
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Speaking of diets, I've lost five pounds.
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Yeah. All natural, too.
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Every morning.
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Every morning. I mean, I'm serious about it this time. I'm actually trying to get healthy. I wouldn't call it fit. Okay. That's going a little too far, but I'm trying to get healthy.
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Yeah, it was definitely vanity. I definitely have a fat belly. The fattest belly I've ever had, which I don't like. And the clothes are just not fitting nicely. I also think when I hold my baby, I look huge.
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I know, but it really looks weird. Like, it looks like I'm a little too large, I think. I'm trying to pull up this photo from the bar. Look at this photo. Like, I'm a little too large, I'd say, compared to the baby.
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No, no, I'm pulling it up right now.
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I mean, I am sitting in a weird position, but look how little the baby is.
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yeah for sure and I know we talked about this before how you really like your arms I would say your arms are big but not so much definition maybe no not right now but they used to have definition I don't know I'm doing it by phase I think if I lose some fat my definition will come back by design because I'm just I'm muscular like on my scale I have like one of those smart scales what's smart about it
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It tells me my BMI. It shoots some fucking electrodes through my body. I don't know. And then it also syncs with my phone.
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So the smart scale says that I have really good muscle mass. Strong muscle mass.
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Yeah, yeah. BMI high.
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My BMI is 35%.
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And I think a fit is like 20%, right? Yeah. Under. 20 and under.
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I don't even want that. I want to lose 10%. But my muscle mass is excellent.
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I heard I got many people sent photos to me.
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No, they give you a percentage too. They give you a percentage. So my BMI is 35% high. Yeah. And my body fat is 34% high. Yeah. And my muscle mass is 59.3% excellent. God, okay. Yeah.
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But I know how, what's the technology? I think they like shoot electricity through your body or something.
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Like I think it goes up one leg and out the other and depending on how long it takes to travel, something like that.
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No, I'd thought about it. I'd thought about it before. I was like, this must be... I haven't Googled it yet, but I was like, maybe they shoot like an electrode. I mean, I don't know if that's the right word, but they shoot something up one leg and it comes down the other. And depending on how long it takes and how much fat it has to jump over.
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It's wading through piles of fat. No, because I don't even know if we talked about this before, but on...
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you know i gained like i was already a little chunky like when i met karina i was pretty fit i wasn't fit i was unhealthy but i was skinny yes you know i was still on i was still on the alcohol diet and then we met and obviously you gained the you know the relationship 10 i think that's normal usually yeah
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and then she got pregnant and i think stress and work a lot of work you know the road the road to a million was not simple and then the baby was born and i think i just continued fucking just not paying it i i had i have i've had a gluttonous three or four years which is a long time to be gluttonous
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And then now I'm back on... I don't know about you, but I never used to think before I ate something. I'd just be like, I want a burger. I eat a burger. I want chicken tender for lunch. I eat chicken tender. There's never a thought of maybe I should choose the healthy option.
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And now that is currently what my diet is. is that I make the healthy choice as much as I can, which is like 95% of the time I make the healthy choice. Even if I'm going to have popcorn, like me and Dale went to see Mission Impossible 11 or whatever the other day. 11 in the franchise. And usually I get popcorn and I smother it with the butter sauce. Oh.
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And this time I got popcorn with no butter sauce.
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The raw dog popcorn is a fairly healthy snack with low calories. Right. But when you smother it in fucking that butter sauce, it literally goes from 400 calories to like 1,500 or 2,000.
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yeah yeah it's like a burrito yeah i mean i mean did you have less joy though i'm sure it was less joyful eating that not really i honestly like like it's like it's like if you're flying if you've never flown business class right you don't know what you're missing out on yeah but who hasn't flown business class A lot of people have business class. Your pretentiousness is showing.
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If the New York Times wedding column didn't give it away, let's read some excerpts. Let's read some excerpts. Here's a funny one. You guys assuming that your kids are going to be cool artists and want to get married under your fucking custom piece of wood that you guys built. Yeah. I mean, that's... I love that you call it a custom piece of wood. That's a little... That's a reach.
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Yeah, that's a reach. The plan... Mr. Quo's close friend, Peter Vickray, a woodworker, made an eight-by-four-foot arched structure that the couple has repurposed as an entrance for their vegetable and flower garden, period. That's where the sentence should have ended.
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But it goes on to say, the plan... The plan is that it would become a family heirloom and that their children could have it in their gardens and get married in front of it one day. What makes you think that your children are going to want to get married under a custom piece of wood that you built? What?
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We'll have to read the fucking style section to find out.
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I think she did it.
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Just annotate it. The Three Wise Men is cool. I like that.
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I'm glad they included a picture of the Three Wise Men. Who are those guys? They seem sick as fuck.
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They're all wearing sunglasses. They're so sick.
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One thing that I thought was really funny about the article is that it mentioned the word creative or creativity or creatively about eight times.
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Do you feel like you can do that?
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Like, could we be cool like that? I mean, I know I can. I'm already 38, but I identify as 27.
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You got to spend time with young people and you got to do what you want to do.
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Punk attitude. You know, your Nike hats. Punk. What? Your Nike hat that you're wearing.
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Is it Nike?
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Golf is sick.
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Golf is punk. I met DJ Khaled's manager at a dinner once and he was his manager for 15 years and he told me that DJ Khaled has made more money by just being on the golf course in the past two years than he has in like 10 years.
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He's just on the fucking tea. What's it called? The tea off?
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He's on the tea box with CEO of whatever, United Healthcare, RIP.
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I know this because I control F'd it.
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I would love to golf with you. I'm a natural.
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I'll come upstate.
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To my second residence.
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I don't know about that. I really don't think that that's true, but let's move beyond that. I'm going to a bachelor party tomorrow. Where are you going? I'm going to one of the coolest places in the world, especially to have a stag party. I'm going to Denver, Colorado.
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I was like literally why do they keep saying creative in this article when you guys met you were buzzing with creativity and then a month felt a similar surge of creativity during their first like it's just it's about creative people having a having a wedding and a baby.
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No, no, no, no. We have no connection to Denver. So it's my good friend who still lives in Minneapolis. But all like our group of friends includes Jerry, Blake, John, Lev. Okay. It's kind of that group of guys. Cool guys.
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And he's the one that stayed behind. He's also cool. I think you met him at Subway Takes Live.
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Yeah, it's in Denver. I've opted out of a couple. Well, here's the thing. It was like in the group chat. Lev actually did a great job. Lev put together a fucking Google form, like top locations, people voted, blah, blah, blah. Wow. And I was doing behind the scenes campaigning.
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what the fuck is up subway takes gang it's your boy kareem rahma joined again by subway takes co-creator and producer andrew quo who is logging in from his home in upstate new york where he lives uh what's going on andrew
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To get us to go to Ireland, to get us to go to Dublin. I thought that was cool because no one's ever been to Ireland, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So Ireland was in the lead.
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Followed by Lake Tahoe in a close second, which I was also like, look, it's different, but it's cool. We can have like a boat or something. Yeah, that's cool. And then for some reason, like Denver, like kind of pulled ahead a little bit. And then all of a sudden the rules were changed.
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And all of a sudden the bachelor's vote counted as double.
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No, Eric is the best.
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And then he's an accommodating person. So he was like, look, you guys are all dads and blah, blah, blah. And I'm trying to make it easy for everyone. I think Denver Central and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, who gives a fuck? And I was saying this in the group chat. I was saying this in the group chat. And I almost got kicked out.
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I did and I was like and I was doing great great funny emails. I was I was bombarding. I was pulling in Israel and I was hitting them from every angle. I hit him in the group chat. I hit him over email. There was a time where I was using chat GPT to make my emails even more snarky. Oh, like really being aggressive and tell until somebody was like hey, I think Rick is starting to feel bad.
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I will fuck Rick. So this is one of the... So it was decided on Denver. Forms complete. Oh, see, Lake Tahoe is currently leading the pack. Eric, any final adjustments to your preferences? Blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden...
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so it's denver blah blah blah and then i got upset and then i said oh wow denver is just so amazing how could we ever consider anywhere else i mean where else can we find such a perfect combination of insufferable fat frat bros depressing architecture and fat ugly women but hey Maybe Brainerd, Minnesota is actually the gem here.
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It's got all the same incredible features, uninspired buildings, a social scene that makes you want to claw your eyes out, and the added bonus that we've already been there. So we know exactly what kind of disappointment to expect. Honestly, why wouldn't we just go to Brainerd anyways? It's basically Denver's long-lost twin of mediocrity. I am pumped to spend time with you all.
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ChatGBT came in hot. That's sick. And then people started, and then that set off a new chain reaction of everyone using ChatGBT. Okay, let's just address the elephant in the room, or perhaps the frat bro in Denver. To be unequivocally clear, we are going to Lake Tahoe. The spreadsheet has spoken, and Tahoe is the destination. This is why I'm so confused. I don't know what happened. Yeah, dude.
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And then Rick chimed in again. Guys, per my text, what the fuck is going on right now? I still think Denver's the best option for the bachelor party for the reasons listed. We have a local man, which I said, who cares about the local man? Denver's not that hard to navigate it. Tahoe is nice, but we'll spend 65% of our time traveling to from.
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Anyways, it went off the rails and then I got kicked off and then I got reprimanded by two people.
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I was being too mean. Oh, wow. Why are your friends such pussies, dude? I called Rick and I said, hey, man, obviously I'll go wherever. I was just really trying to make a case for one last hurrah as you're the last bachelor in the group. Right.
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And so they're doing a bachelor party for the bachelor party when everyone knows that the bachelor party is for the party.
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Like, we go where we want to go, not where The Bachelor wants to go. The Bachelor's along for the ride. Right. But you don't go, oh, he wants to go to Denver. Who gives a fuck? We want to go to Ireland.
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My whispering failed. My campaigning failed.
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I mean, you've seen me pitch.
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Well, here's the little bit of saving grace. It's actually in Colorado. What? Okay, what's your point? Like we won't be in Denver. Okay. We're going to like the mountain. Okay, got it. So a bunch of dudes hanging out in a cabin by yourselves. Yeah, I heard we're going to hike. I think there might be some whitewater rafting.
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you know it'll be it'll be cool yeah um and what i did to make a gesture of goodwill so that everyone knows i am excited about the bachelor party and the bachelor party is tomorrow so you know no one will hear this episode until then as i i bought i made i made hats oh that's fun oh so you really so you really did fuck up big time that you actually have to like go out there and
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hand craft some bullshit wow i made i made hats they say i survived eric's denver bachelor party no it says i went to eric's denver bachelor party dot dot dot and i survived oh that's tight and it's like a really funny font okay it's like a it's like a funny like swirly font yeah and so i'm i'm excited about revealing those at the bachelor party oh that's good that's good because yeah because i because i do think you probably set a tone where everyone's really worried that
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And now you're showing up. No, they don't care if I'm going to have a good time. They just think I'm an asshole.
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But I've known them. And I was explaining... Because people were like, you can't be so mean. And I was like, we are great friends. We are all... We are good friends.
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We are great friends. I was going to say best friends, but men shouldn't have best friends. I agree with that. And so we are great friends and you're allowed to bust balls.
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In fact, I think that's a sign of a healthy friendship.
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I hope he's not paying. I don't care. I mean, I'm in agreement that, you know, he shouldn't pay. Right. So I would assume he's not paying. We haven't discussed it, but I think that is the quiet understanding.
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why don't you frame it well why would i frame it it's a nice it's a keepsake it is a keepsake i will let me ask you this have you framed all the stuff that you've been in uh in the press about i framed some stuff i i framed stuff uh i just started doing it because uh our good friend adam faze he he gifted me once our first keep the meter running new york post article and
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It doesn't need to be discussed, because they're good friends. Right, right, right, right, right. And this guy is, you know, he's flying everyone to Italy for his wedding, which is tight. But we're paying for the flights.
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He's paying for everyone to be in Italy.
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Those who can.
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Those who can should. It's okay. They don't. I mean, it's expensive. It is expensive, but it's okay.
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Yeah, he's a good guy. I mean, he's a great guy. It's just that he was trying to accommodate, which I feel like you shouldn't even bother.
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Like, are you sure?
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And no one even smokes weed. Like, it's not like people are like, oh, yeah, let's go get fucking stoned. Yeah.
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I'm fairly certain there's going to be a good amount of synthetic drugs available.
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It means they don't come from plants. Oh, I see. Got it.
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But I'm like, I don't want to lick Molly in a house full of four guys or seven guys in a mountain.
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It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun.
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Last time we went to a bachelor, we had the same group that has done many bachelor parties. Mexico City was a blast. Montreal, good time. Yeah.
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Because my life is a bachelor party player.
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My life is literally a bachelor party. Right. You don't know about my trip in June. I'm going on this insane trip in June.
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One week. Just fucking vibing.
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Yeah, my life is a bachelor party, Pam.
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What are you going to do the rest of the day?
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Well, the personal significance is that Karina and I had gone to Jamaica like two or three times.
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And the first time we ever talked about having a baby was when we were in Jamaica.
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Exactly. And I think we were just like, I don't know. That's just what I put on. It wasn't a conversation. We didn't have a conversation. I just was like, oh shit, the baby's coming. I was like, what?
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what music should i put on and that's what i did and then i fucking blasted off some bob marley and then our room became lit in the hospital and there was all these jamaican nurses everyone came in our room oh that's nice they were like oh this is sick and so people were just hanging out and people probably thought you might have been jamaican i'm like oh yeah yeah you're fair i just thought they thought it was sick because they were just like oh we don't really hear this much because you'd probably hear a lot of like whooshing sounds and little chimes oh okay oh you mean like oh vibe setting music
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Yeah, people do the vibe setting music and they put on pregnancy playlists. But I was like, I'm going to put on fucking Bob Marley. Yeah, you're going to fucking party. But I forgot the song. I have to find which song it was.
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uh in a frame and then when i went to his house or his office i noticed that he frames a lot of stuff like he has his new york magazine he has his new york magazine thing framed okay uh a bunch of different stuff and i was like you know what that's actually like kind of cool
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I mean, it was like the last moment. So it was like probably, you know, 30 minutes of Bob Marley.
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I did cut the cord. It was cool.
SubwayTakes
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I was a little afraid to do it, but then I just did it because I'm a beast.
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Are you going to get a moil?
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Yesterday, I called Karina a little moil.
SubwayTakes
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She said, what is that? And I was like, it's the guy that cuts people's foreskins when they're babies.
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Well, I'm glad that you're not getting them cut because I'm pretty sure they messed up mine.
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Keeping in mind, I was born in Egypt.
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I think they used rusty scissors.
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Well, I'll give you a description. I haven't inspected many people's penises. Okay. Like I've seen penises, but I haven't had them in or close to my face. Right. But I'm pretty sure when I look down at mine, I'm like, it's not a clean job.
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I feel like they did like an 80% circumcision. Oh, they left some. They left a little on top. Right. They left a little on top.
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You know, we don't have Emmys and Oscars yet, but we do have these little kind of like, you know, it's a reminder that you have done something press-worthy, which is, if not as good as being recognized by some sort of academy and earning yourself a little trophy, you know, you make your own trophy.
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I'm trying to see my penis.
SubwayTakes
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Yeah, you can't trust her.
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Well, assuming, assuming the kid's not going to use his Chinese name, like, does it even matter? You name it whatever the fuck you want.
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I like the Z dot, though.
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Yeah, but it's like, it's unique. It's also kind of like tech. Or like a robot, like a Z1000. Yeah, like futuristic.
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Well, his nickname could be ZDoc.
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that's really a crazy move people are fucking weird so weird ku zero zero that's not tight um well i have to go to lunch oh yeah i'm going to the odeon for lunch yeah who picked that was it you or brenda brenda i like that that's a that's a i think that's a strong choice i know reservation too which i think is very cool yeah do you know what you're gonna get
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I'm on a diet, so I have to look at the menu.
SubwayTakes
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I don't know if I want to order a fucking $25 omelet. Not that I care about the money. It's good. It's goat cheese. I know. I went to Balthazar recently and I got that.
SubwayTakes
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I think I would rather have a salad with chicken. Yeah, I guess. When me and Griffin Dunn went to lunch, we got the same order.
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We went to Cafe Select. His choice.
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Better than going to lunch at fucking Sweetgreen like us millennials.
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I mean, having this fucking article is self-congratulatory. So, dude, I don't know. I'm honestly shook by the fact that that would even be a thought. Yeah, yeah. Congratulations to us. We got married. Let's put it in the Times.
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I don't love Sweetgreen.
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And I'm going to be hungry in 25 minutes. Yeah. Well, tell Brenda I said hi. I will. We should have her on the pod. She's funny. She's so funny, dude.
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All right. I got to go piss and then I got to go to lunch.
SubwayTakes
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You shouldn't send it.
SubwayTakes
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Well, here's what's up with me. Here's another question that might be a little personal. But had Malou not wanted a Vows feature, would you have done it?
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You said to me... Did I?
SubwayTakes
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Yes, you did. I have text. You said, holy shit, I forgot to do the vows thing and Baloo really wanted it.
SubwayTakes
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Do you want me to pull up the text? No, we don't need receipts.
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And I need to get this done. And you went for it and you got it done, which is one of the reasons I really like working with you. And I like you as a friend as you get things done, you know, 72 hours down to the wire. But so you wanted it.
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Then why did you want it? See, I want a lot of things in life. I don't want that at all.
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Yeah, I do that. But my thing is that in the press, I'm always talking about work.
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right like i don't i rarely reveal you know this podcast is probably the most personal version of me that people get on the internet you know i mean like i i don't i don't post incessantly on my stories i don't vlog i'm not like oh i'm in fucking paris or whatever like until i get back from paris and then i'm like i was in paris you know what i mean like
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I'm not actively sharing my life, which is why I wanted to start this podcast. It feels like a good adult male version of oversharing is podcasting. But imagine if I was one of those guys. Imagine if I was an Instagram girl. Okay, go on. Oversharing on my stories and documenting my every move.
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And then people like you more because they develop a relationship with you, even if it's a one-way relationship. But that is the way that celebrities become... That's why reality TV is so effective. It's because you feel like you know these people. And everyone knows that to generate a stronger, deeper connection with your audience or whatever, you have to put more of yourself out there.
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And I personally was not comfortable doing that on the social media. Right. So this podcast is the solution for that. And it's funny because I love attention.
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If I don't get a little crumb or morsel of attention every day, I develop a sense of depression.
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Maybe I'm also getting enough attention from my child.
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I'm a super fun dad. Yeah, I get that. Yeah, I don't know. I think... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if I'll have one of those.
SubwayTakes
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Are you kidding me? Dude, I was mentioned in yours. I would probably get a front page spread.
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Well, I'm a simp for my wife. So literally, if she wants it, I'll do it. Yeah. I think she'll probably want it. It's a nice little token. I'm a proper simp.
SubwayTakes
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Someone who is bi-coastal, such as yourself, would have a hospital plan. for both homes.
SubwayTakes
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I'm a simp. I'm a romantic guy. As you know, I got my engagement ring even though we already have a baby and we're already planning a small shindig. And I was like, I still need to propose properly.
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It's not the kind of work that I enjoy.
SubwayTakes
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Yeah, it's very messy and it shouldn't be messy because there's literally 25 people coming.
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That's great. Well, now I've revealed on the pod that I'm having a small wedding in Egypt. Everyone's invited. Everyone's invited. No, no, no. I'm just kidding. Not everyone's invited. The New York Times is not invited. Although, I mean, the beef has been squashed. We had a longstanding beef.
SubwayTakes
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No, it wasn't. No, no, no. It was a real fight. It was between them and I. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
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I believe that we came to a mediation.
SubwayTakes
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It was a little tit for a tat. Are you the tit or are you the tat? I was the tat.
SubwayTakes
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Exactly. So exactly my point. You should be able to be in Manhattan. The tub is the same.
SubwayTakes
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I was definitely the tat. Okay, that's good. Because they titted first.
SubwayTakes
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They titted first and I tatted back.
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Snap back, clap back.
SubwayTakes
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Do you think that's probably from Vows?
SubwayTakes
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Wow, you didn't follow back?
SubwayTakes
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Let me tell you something, Dale. Dale, let me tell you something. As Andrew's good friend and close collaborator, I didn't get a follow back for about five months.
SubwayTakes
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Yeah. Here's the etiquette. You have to follow your friends and the people that you interact with on a regular or semi-regular basis.
SubwayTakes
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Oh, a business is going down. Instagram is the new website, the new LinkedIn, the new dating app.
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Shout out Instagram. That's where business happens. That's where you stand on business 10 toes down.
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Although actually, Dale, I have a suggestion for you. What's that? I don't like your Instagram name.
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No, they're like, who is this? Because that's why Andrew didn't follow you back.
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I think if you are a 38-year-old professional man or woman, you have to use your name.
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You should potentially get that fixed.
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There are probably 10 billion Andrew Quo's.
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He does get all the shout-outs. Every single person thinks that Andrew Kuo does. They're like, oh, I didn't know that Andrew Kuo does podcasting.
SubwayTakes
How Nigel Sylvester Became the Mr. Worldwide of BMX | Uncut
This is. My first love. Maybe your only love.
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
Yo, tell me about the boots. This is very interesting. Look, because this is kind of a Tim vibe. Yeah. It's a Timberland vibe, but with the cowboy boots.
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
I mean, it's fresh. Yeah. It's very interesting. Yeah. I'm an interesting cat. You are an interesting cat? Oh, speaking of cats, you just got a dog.
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
He was not with you for three and a half years? Yeah, he wasn't with us. Was he locked up?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
Wait, I need to know this. So you had a dog three and a half years ago? Yeah. And you left him with a sitter?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
Yeah. You couldn't even believe it, huh, when they called you?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
I didn't know where my dog was at. What did that feel like? What did that feel like when they called you?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
Would you rather be able to speak all the human languages of the world, Arabic, Spanish, Italian, French, or would you rather be able to just talk to animals?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
Do you think that humans have lost their divine soul?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
He did it. That's magic. That's the reason why you get up so early.
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
We should reactivate it. We should. Who's in your favorite group chat right now?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
And so that group chat is your favorite group chat? Yeah, it's my favorite group chat. Y'all be sending memes in there?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
Oh, dope. Toy being. Big life. Toy being. Let's go. Let's fucking go. Are you in the group chat? Oh, yeah. I'm in the group chat all day. Who's the best memer? Who sends the best memes? Who sends the fire? It's got to be Anthony. She throws the funny stuff in there. She does? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else is going on there? Just ideas, creation, division. Oh, all right. That's what goes on in there.
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
And philosophy. That's why it's called sewerism. Sewerism. Yeah. Y'all believe in Ninja Turtles?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
Everything and nothing? Yeah. Like the pyramids of Egypt?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
I feel like you're like really, like you got your heads in the clouds. What that mean? Like you're really thinking about not this. You're not on this spiritual plane. You're in a different spiritual plane.
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
Would you ever eat a glizzy in front of your friends? Yeah. You would? Some people say that that's haram.
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
I didn't know Jadakiss said that. Yeah. That's tight. Well, anything else you want to talk about? Let's talk about you. Okay. What do you want to know?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
I just had a baby. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. So I've been trying to be a better father. How's that going? It's pretty good.
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
Like, I don't really hang out. You used to hang out a lot? Not a lot, but I used to hang out a little bit.
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
What do you think happened? Why'd they make all the movies white?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
We gotta save the animals. I make music too. I make rock and roll.
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
You do rock and roll? Oh, hell yeah. Where's the A&Rs at? Because I make rock and roll. They're right here. You're the A&R? Yeah. Can I send you a link? Of course. To my SoundCloud? Yes. I make rock and roll for real for real. Let's do it. Me too. New York shit. Come on, New York. Underbelly. Wait, am I promoting my shit or are you promoting your shit?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
No worries if not the EP, Kareem Rahman, Tiny Gun. Yo, you never promoted your shit on your show? Not yet. What's wrong with you?
SubwayTakes
A$AP Ferg Wants to Make a Movie | Uncut
What's the one where he plays the pigeon man? The ninja pigeon. Oh, Ghost Dog, I think. Yeah, Ghost Dog. That's fire. I got to watch that one. All right, bro. I got to go. My guy. Good to see you. Thanks a lot. I'll send you a link. Let's do it. All right. Thank you.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I was like, I can't. I can't. I love. I can't. I can't judge him. You got to get the bag, baby.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
That's true. Bald man representation has... I mean, people just don't really talk about it. Like, the fact that you are essentially a special breed, and it needs to be embraced. Like, we embrace... At this point, we embrace...
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Yeah, I agree with you. I think it's like going to the gym too much. It's like when you're buff, it's like, oh, we obviously know how you spend your time. I think if you are fit, that's good. If you look healthy and you take care of yourself, good. But if you're buff and you're like 40, I'm a little bit like, dude, I know how much time you're spending in that gym.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
You got a family to take care of, brother. You got to read a book sometimes, maybe make some content for God's sake, scroll on TikTok a little bit. Get out of the gym. Stop pumping.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
They're prepping for the launch.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Most of the time it is, unless they're awesome, which is rare. But if they are awesome, it's going to be an awesome time.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
So I want to talk about your take, which is one of the takes that I really, really, really agreed with. So what's your take? Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup. 100% agree.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Preach, brother.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
100%, 200% agree. If I go to a place and the burger doesn't say burger and fries, you have to buy the burger for $8, actually $18. Ridiculous. Plus another $7 for fries, and then they bring out the artisanal ketchup. You're wrecking the experience.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
And think about the poor person in the kitchen crushing tomatoes. Is that what ketchup's made of? I don't know.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I'm not with you on this one.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Get off the show. And is one of the takes that is it's so good because it's so specific. But there's only like there are only some people that think about it. And there's a lot of there's a lot of us. Right. We've seen the comments, but not everyone thinks about. But everyone knows it. But no one's ever like put it into words like no one's ever. But, you know, I've put it into words.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
You put it into words. but the the response was incredible because there were so many heinz heads that came out of the closet and were like down with artisanal ketchup we don't need it like protesting the streets or the comments and it was it was just a fantastic take well i appreciate that and i you know when we were talking about it at to see a like-minded person out there was something that
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Those are nice. Ooh.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
This is what we live for. You know what I like on the mini bottle? You pop that seal and it goes. You feel it. It's such a great moment. And if you are at the Four Seasons or any nice hotel, the fries are always important part of the menu. Great fries. They deserve to be dipped in great, if not the greatest, ketchup in the world.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Yeah, because I don't mind a gourmet burger. I mean, gourmet burgers are great. I love a gourmet burger. And the fries, usually, you know, great. And then nothing kills the vibe, ruins the mood, ruins the meal like a little fucking carafe of chunky, sloppy, non-vinegar, non-sugar tomato paste.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
It's a tricky thing to be a bald man. How does it feel to be arguably one of the funniest bald men? If not the funniest.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Yeah. I mean, it is really funny. And then the thing that you lost me with. We talked about the fries. The fries and the burger come together. It's not $18 for the burger and an additional $6 for fries. That pisses me off. It should be illegal. It's price gouging. 100%. Putting tariffs on my damn burger. Yeah, don't do that to me. It's ridiculous.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
We can make fries. Fries should be affordable. They should be included in the meal. Yeah. But you lost me. I know. On Miracle Whip. I mean, what even is that? Here's us talk about this, because...
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I think it's just mayonnaise with a bad aftertaste. Okay. I don't know if it's relish. It's something disgusting, though. And here's the thing. There's something that makes it disgusting, and I don't know what it is.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I think top maybe five or three.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
No, no, there's not that many. I'm looking right now. So mayonnaise is made of oil, eggs, and vinegar or lemon juice. Miracle Whip has the same basic ingredients but with less oil and the addition of water, sugar, and spices like mustard, paprika, and garlic. So you were right. I was actually going to make fun of you for calling it spicy. That's a real white guy thing.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Like, oh, give me a spicy water. Are you familiar with spicy water? I am, yes.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
And Larry David doesn't count.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
No, that's fine. Little kids can say that. But if you are 45 years old and you go to a restaurant and say, give me the spicy water.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Yeah, seltzer is just a very New York thing.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
In the Midwest, it's soda water.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Well, no, he kept, he kept, he's not bald. He's got the sides.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I don't know what the difference is. What is club soda? Club soda has some salt in it, I believe.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Which I don't think is bald. That's like a new, that's a different class.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I don't know what that is. I don't know. I have no idea what that is.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Oh, wow. It's rough. Wait, those are not children's foods. Yeah. Do not give your children Clamatos.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Italians are the spiciest of the whites though.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Of the whites, for sure. I mean, Germans can't compare. Amsterdam, Amsterdamese. Yeah, you're right. I guess those are technically the Dutch. Who else is over there? Paris, France.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Yeah. I don't know if they're white. They're, like, Mediterranean.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
But I guess Italians are kind of Mediterranean too. It's tricky. People have argued that Italians are black.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
We did a Subway Takes Live on stage discussing that somebody's take was that Italians became white after 9-11.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Yeah, because that's when they got upgraded.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I mean, at one point in time, everyone was – and I say this as not only a joke but also a truth. But when I say that they were black, it means that they were having the problems that black people in America have today and have had for a long time. And so when I say the Irish were black, I mean that they were looked down upon by – A hundred percent. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
But not as good guys. They were always villains. Mafia, right? Yeah, they were always a greasy fucking scumbag. I'm Arab, so I can say this, but they were the Arabs until 9-11. And then they go, we got new Arabs, baby. We got these guys that are actually Arab. We're going to villainize them. They're the bad guys now. And Italians were let off the hook.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
And then it was guys like Stanley Tucci all of a sudden fucking eating pasta on CNN. And they go, great. He's fully in. He's an intellectual. Like, let's do this book, you know?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
yeah into like regular good hard working uh middle class people not peasants not not all right i see this i see this what was the reaction to the crowd in the in that take It was pretty rowdy. Do you know Catherine Narducci? Yeah, yeah. She was on the show essentially defending Italians. She did a great job. She just kept saying... What did she keep saying? She just kept saying, Why?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Why are you doing this? Like to the guy. And it was just really funny. She kind of got it but didn't totally get it. And... was just kind of confused as to why we were even discussing it. Just on stage being like, what are you guys fucking talking about? Why is this a conversation? And I also think that was the reaction from many people in the crowd because we talked about it for 45 minutes.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
What does a bag man do for a living?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
They call it the VIG. Don't they call it the VIG?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I think the big, you don't have the money. If you don't have the money, it's going to be a problem.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
That's amazing. That's really great. And then and then so so we can definitely like bald men can have a moment like all it needs is like New York magazine to write one article that's like bald men are like welcome to bald man summer.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
You just accept it. That's a sick. I mean, that is a sick job to go around and collect the money. But if if if the bag man does not have to do any enforcing, then that's a job that I could do. You go you go there. You say, hey, Kathy, how you doing? Can I get you know, can I get my. Yes, I think. And then you call if you know, if they don't pay up and you call Sal. Yes. Like Freddie.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Wow, that is a nice little life.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
That's a nice little life. I want to get to some of these comments. Sorry, sorry, yeah. No, no, this is exactly how the show goes. I thought this one was hilarious. Have you been to Jamaica? Because somebody commented, Jamaica has the best ketchup.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
That's all it takes. One headline. Bald man summer. This is the season of bald. And then every woman is like, I'm so fucking in. It is the bald season. Shave me, baby.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
It is ridiculous. I've been to Jamaica three times. Yes. The ketchup, I cannot remember anything unique about it.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I think it's Heinz. I think that that's that is probably what it is. They're like Jamaica has the best ketchup. It's literally Heinz.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Wait, what is it?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I don't support this at all. I don't at all. This is not ketchup. This is a different thing. It's a different flavor. It's not ketchup at all. It's just something else.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
By the way, Heinz owes us a free trip to Oklahoma or wherever the fuck they're making it. Pittsburgh. For some reason, they've DM'd me. Me too. They've DM'd you. They've emailed me. They've emailed you. Yeah. They keep saying, we'd love to take you to the factory. You would call. I go, I'm in.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
They've emailed so many times. And I said, I will go whenever you are ready. I'm in. And I go, I go, I've talked to Paul. He's in too. And then they ghost.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
What the damn frick is up, everyone? It's your boy, Kareem Rahma, back with another episode of Subway Takes the Podcast. Today, I am joined by the legendary comedian, actor, sometimes magician at children's birthday parties, Paul Scheer. You may know him from his very en vogue gaps space between his teeth. Finally. It's made a comeback.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Is that only available at the factory?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I think I might... Why don't we put... By the way, it's called The Remix. Oh, that's a sick fucking name, dude. They can do no wrong. That's a sick name. If I was Hunt's Ketchup, I would close up shop.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Enhancers? Enhancers?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
little do they know how much cred i mean what we've done for their company already we're talking i mean they're spending the majority of time talking about heinz their comp their comments have like 15 000 likes and and yeah i was like why what you're commenting you're talking you're dming me you're emailing me you have your reps just fucking buy my ticket i will be there tomorrow that's what i'm saying get me there and let's go
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Let's go. Let's fucking go, dude. It would be so sick. We'll probably walk away with so much free product.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I can stand behind this. And then the teeth, the tooth, that's very sexy. Right now, that's very sexy.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Do you keep your ketchup in the fridge?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Oh, that's interesting.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I think that's normal. I do that too. I don't even know why I said that's interesting. That's literally not interesting.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Important question. Where do you keep the butter?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Here's why. It's because you're rich now. Rich people keep the butter out. Okay.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Yes, you are there. Rich people keep the butter out. It's a fact. I don't keep my butter out yet. I'm on my way. But soon I will keep the butter out.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
This sounds really complicated, and that's probably why it's for the rich. I mean, you've got to get those contraptions.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Now, let me ask you a question. Are you using more butter ever since you left it out? Because that's kind of a fear of mine.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I'm only using butter for cooking, but I'm not slathering it on things.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Yeah, either one.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
What do you mean they don't butter? You put butter like little chunks? Little squares? You put it on top of them?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
This is important news, but I have a hack for you with the pancakes.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
So I'm very much so into the syrup. I like my pancakes wet. Me too. Fucking wet. Yeah, that's why we're here. Like soaking wet. Yep. So here's something I don't know where I learned this. I must have seen it in a movie or something. But you get, you know, let's say you got a triple stack. Yeah. They're all on top of each other. You cut through them all like a pizza pie.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
But the kind of pizza pie that's square slices.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
So you cut, you know, three lines horizontally, three lines vertically. And then you kind of put the butter is already stacked. So like pancake butter, pancake butter, pancake butter. Then you do the cross mark like a pie and you fucking pour the syrup and it goes all the way down, soaks everything up. It gets into the part of the spongy, the spongy part, not the hard part.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
and then spongy part into the spongy the spongy part that's the only part yes so a lot of people when i tell them that i like my pancakes wet they're they're grossed out what do they want dry dry pancakes no disgusting they like just aren't into like usually when i go to a restaurant and i get pancakes which is not a ton but it's you know enough um they bring out the syrup it's usually a little carafe i'm gonna need at least two more of those yeah of course
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I like them wet, like really wet, like a wet burrito. I like it wet. I like wet fucking pancake.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. You're, you're, we're on the same page.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
So have you always cooked or was it a child? I just had a kid. She's 14 months. Oh, congratulations. I haven't really cooked much because my wife doesn't trust me. She's like, will you make her an omelet? I'm like, sure. She's like, what are you going to put in it? I was like, nothing, just omelet, just egg. For me, just egg, maybe some mushrooms. And my wife makes her a really special omelet.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I'm like, I don't have time for a really special omelet. I only have time for an omelet that has mushroom and eggs in it. Is she so –
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
That's a pretty bad dentist. It seems like a pretty easy fix.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
they only do this and he's like it's fine who gives a shit good yeah i'm gonna need you to go to your doctor because my my wife is very much so like this child needs to be really healthy and i agree with her i don't want my kid to be like disgusting i don't want my kid to be disgusting and and you're and you walk this line and this is the tricky thing it's like you walk this line where it's like
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
That's kind of how I was. My family didn't buy any of that, but I knew where to get it because my neighbors, they had the fridge in the garage filled with pop. Which is what we call soda. Of course, I get that, yeah. And just, like, Coke, Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
And I would literally walk over to their house, open their fucking garage door, open that fridge, get a Mountain Dew, walk to my house, sneak it in my basement, just chugging a Mountain Dew.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
We need, we need you drinking water.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
That's nice of them. That's really nice of them. All right. I want to get to the section called takes on takes. Take some takes.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Takes on takes. I'm going to read you some takes that have been done on the show. You're going to take my job for a moment and do 100% agree or 100% disagree. Okay. Because those are the only two options. Okay. And, you know, that's it. So the first take is, this is Hasan Minhaj's take. It was restaurants have got to stop singing happy birthday to adults.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Here's the thing.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I mean, I don't really know where these restaurants are anymore. Well, that's what I'm thinking about, yeah. But I think that if they're – I think here's what I think. This is why I disagreed with him. I think if they come out and they sing happy birthday to you, you have no choice but to leave a big fat tip. which is good for them. Sure. They're small inconvenience.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
And I also, in the comments, many people were like, I like doing it. I work at a restaurant and I enjoy this. And so I think if they're working at a restaurant, they're enjoying it. They're celebrating. I think we need more reason to celebrate stupid shit like a 55-year-old guy's birthday. Yes. And you leave a big fat tip at the end. Everybody's happy.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I think if the restaurant, obviously, if they don't want to do it, the workers, then...
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I had recently something happen to me that I really didn't like, which is that I was out at a dinner. I think it was like five, six friends at an establishment where I'm a regular. I'm the connection. I get to the table. It's my spot. And I go there often. And a lot of the staff knows me. The maitre d' knows me. A lot of people know me there.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
And I was with some friends that know that this is my spot and that I get treated well there because I've been there so many times. And one of the guys at my table, he told them that it was my birthday. Oh, I hate this. And they brought out the fucking dessert. And I was like, I was just like, come on. This is my like, this is not cool. Yeah, this is not Ben again. This is not fucking TJ Friday.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
And that's my relationship. Now they think I'm a fucking liar. Now I have to go explain, hey, it was my friend. And then they're going to think that my friend is lame, which reduces my coolness. And then they take away maybe the privileges of me getting tables when I want to. It's a whole fucking thing. And I'm so upset.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
There's rules. There's rules of engagement. And as adults, you know them. As a child, you don't know them. Yes. So it's just not fair to the people that are working the restaurant.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I'm like, I'm not in a club.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
And then you're faced with a major dilemma. Well, actually, you cannot put the genie back in the bottle. No, you're done. Literally. You're done. You can't go, hey, I just realized I ordered bottle service. I actually don't want bottle because they've already done the whole show.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I can't believe you accidentally did bottle service.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
fear as that's coming toward because i see it and i'm like oh my god now when i saw it go to three other tables after us i was thrilled i was like good yeah yeah and i think that person is is upselling because i think that they are incentivized to sell bottles because it's 900 so like he probably made 200 bucks which is good i guess it's good for everyone good good for you
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
We need laws. We need laws. We need birthday rules. Next take, this is going to, you know, I'll just say it. This girl came on the show and she said, beating your kids isn't that bad. And she wasn't talking, though. She's not talking about.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
A smack. And she also specified only from mom.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
This is maybe too, maybe too close to the sun.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to get a bit of force, get a bit of foreskin stuck in there.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Yeah. There's a little, I I'm, I'm not planning on smacking my kid.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Good. And, but I do think that if, uh, Actually, I think I disagree. You have to disagree. Will I let my wife beat my kid?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I was going to say, oh yeah, I'd let Karina hit the kid. Not even hit. A little... No, I just think I wouldn't do it. So I think I've changed my mind. I don't know if I agree or disagree with that, but...
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
All right, all right.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
It's probably bad. Yeah, it's bad. And the comments were like, you're dumb. But you know what?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Yeah. Okay, this one's good. This is from Ahmed Weinberg. Vegan food, if delivered, is no longer vegan.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
No, I think the thing is, if vegan food is delivered, his argument was that a human being suffers in the making of the food, technically.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
No, it's about the guy. Oh, wow, you're just the guy. Maybe in New York, it's very much about the guy. Because the guy is riding a bike... through a snowstorm with your sushi on his back, which is not vegan, so your vegan sushi on his back through a snowstorm, suffering, an animal suffering, so that you can have your vegan food, which is no longer vegan because an animal has suffered.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
by the time that you get it.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
These are very hard. Good bits. A lot of good bits.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Alright, 100% agree or 100% disagree. Jesus was not a Republican.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
So I haven't seen, I've never seen that movie, but I vividly remember it being available in, uh, the video rental store, like my local neighborhood. And I saw it, the cover. I remember it. I've seen it so many times.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I never bought, I never rented it because I was, I think, you know, I maybe looked at the back and I was like, I have no idea what these people are talking about, but is that a great film?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Totally misguided people. Wait, so what's unspooled? Where can people find you?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
beautiful stuff and then what are your personal instagram tiktok whatever just my name paul sheer just paul sheer always paul sheer well thanks so much dude for coming on the show i appreciate this a blast i'm glad we could reminisce about uh ketchups and hopefully we'll see each other again in pittsburgh uh and the ketchup factory i hope so i'm gonna i'm gonna email i hit them up today after i saw the remix machine i literally did i was like what's up guys
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I'll do that, too. I might put you on CC, though. I love it. Please, I can't wait. What's the fucking deal? We just did another episode.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
All right, man. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful night. You, too. And thanks for coming on. All right, bye.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
And the whole time you're thinking this guy has a gap in his teeth like that through your mind the whole time. So what is the deal? He doesn't like to acknowledge that he has a gap.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Or Biff was fucking with you a little bit.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
you were bald like we know you were bald like what are we doing here like if you're going to make a choice like that you have to embrace it do you think jeremy piven hit turkey istanbul with the boys like he was like group chat like the group chat well four dudes they go to turkey they fucking live it up you know entourage style yeah and just the fellas the fellas in turkey everyone's getting the plugs get them in that's what that's what i'm doing
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
I think you made the right choice. I think that you look great. Well, you're lovely to say it. That's all there is to it. That you just look great and natural and cool and you look badass and also, you know, you look great. I don't really have anything to say about it. I appreciate it.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
Oh, it's cute. I mean, it's a really cute look. It is. I see less and less guys with it. I feel like that's of a certain generation. I think it is. I think now people, they either go, they're like, fuck it, I'll be bald. And then they get rid of that. Or they go, fuck it, I'm not going to be bald. And they add hair on top again. But there's not many guys that are like, you know what?
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
There's that funny meme about how George Costanza is like 30 or something. Yeah. And now 30-year-olds look like they're 17. They got baggy pants and a gold tooth. And George Costanza looks like he's 86.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
There's an epidemic in New York City of men dressing not their age. 40-year-old men standing in line to buy the latest drop from KISS and chasing the trends, and they look fucking stupid. Here's my style philosophy. I've done the kind of classic... Let me be like a classic Ralph Lauren, Anthony Bourdain type of situation. Or is Seinfeldian in a way? It's normal. It looks cool.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
My pants do not change. I've committed now to regular.
SubwayTakes
“Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup!!” with Paul Scheer
They're going to go skinny. They're already going skinny. I'm not going with them. They're going to go big again. I'm just going to stay... I'm going to be a regular fit for the rest of my life.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You saw everything Subway Takes had to offer or that Instagram had to offer, and you decided to make your own account.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, it looks fucking sick. Especially as a drummer wearing a cropped tee, people are like, that guy fucks for sure. The standard tee is not for me.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It's really slutty. That was kind of the vibe last season. I wonder what the vibe is this season. What do you think the vibe is this season?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I'm wearing a muscle tee at our show on Thursday.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, but you can wear a wife beater. A wife. A wife lover.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
My bad. It's actually an A-shirt. That's what they call it on Amazon.com.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I'm also sure it is one that's a sleeveless tee.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Or is it just... Is it tighter on the... It depends on if... I'd say that the store-bought ones are tighter around the shoulder zone. And then the homemade ones, you got that deep hole.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I think the deep hole looks good. I think I look good in muscle tees because I do have pretty nice arms and a couple of tattoos that look nice. But that's where I would... Yeah, because I feel like a muscle tee, you have a little bit of attitude.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I mean, you cut the bottom of the shirt off. You're like, fuck the bottom. You cut the sleeves off. Fuck the sleeves. You know, like a regular T is just not very appealing to me as a kind of a punk cool guy.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
At the moment, I'm just removing one. And the one is this tattoo that I got after my father passed away. I got his name in Arabic. And it was my first tattoo that I ever got. And it was in college. And I fucking was like, Mom, how do you spell dad's name in Arabic? And she wrote it for me in a Sharpie. And it had Arabic at that time. I would say, had a very close proximity with the ISIS flag.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
And so I went and put it... I asked the tattoo artist, I was like, can you put this on me? And he was like, you know, it's going to show up exactly as it's drawn, right? And I was like, yeah, no worries. And so he did it. And it did, in fact, look a little too Islamic Republic. No, it's not called this. It was too ISIS-y? What is ISIS called? What does it stand for, ISIS?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I don't know what it's... Oh, it's Islamic State of Iraq.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, fuck.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, Islamic State of Iraq and Syria.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Just two countries, right? It looked a little bit like ISIS-y. And it was also just bad. I mean, it was like a Sharpie. It was spelled incorrectly. My mom wrote it a little bit wrong. It was vertical instead of horizontal, which is not how you read Arabic. It's how you read Chinese. And so there was just a lot of things wrong with it. So I was like, oh, I'm going to get this covered up.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That was for your domain name. That's what you were thinking about starting a website.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
And so I went to this guy who... is a good tattoo artist. But at the time I was kind of in my fucking fuck boy era. And I was like, Hey, cover this up. And I kind of like nonchalantly was like, you can put whatever you want to like, I don't know, like a snake and a rose or something. But I like said that like nonchalantly.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No references. The only reference was when I said something like a snake and a rose or something or even just a snake. And he started just... No, he didn't draw. He didn't stencil. Usually, they stencil or trace the tattoo and show you what it's going to look like. He just free-handed without a trace or without a stencil. And he just started...
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
a snake and a rose and it was so like i didn't look at it while he was doing it because i was like it's gonna be sick and by the way where is it not clear where's this tattoo by the way is it like on the small of your back obviously or like it's on it's on my bicep okay got it okay it's on my bicep and um sorry hold on my super is calling me.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It's on my bicep and the original tattoo was like probably only like two inches long. Okay, cover up is probably like seven inches. It's like my whole bicep.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That was so weird. It was websites these days. I just got done recording a pod with famous comedian Ian Fidance.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
yeah so i was like i should get i should now get this covered up because you can't cover up the cover up because the cover up is already a cover up and it's so big so that's the only one i'm getting rid of um it's taking a lot longer than i thought it would but you can finally start to see it fading oh wow okay all right and i also think i'm done i'm done getting new ones okay so you're you're you've hit um stasis from a i've hit stasis perspective okay
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, I think I'm not going to get any new ones. I don't think I'll get any of them removed at the moment, like any additional ones, but I might before I die.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Okay, got it. You know, obviously I don't know when I'm going to die, but like if I have some time to know. Assuming I die of natural causes, I'll probably remove them when I'm like 67. So do you have any tattoos? You don't have any tattoos.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Ghetto Asians.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
the other thing the other god oh it's definitely it's definitely on the internet it's called like uh i'm gonna go to urban dictionary.com yeah it's like the guys who have like rice rockets and shit like that and like souped up civics i'm not saying that i'm allowed to say that can i say that shit i don't know i think you can wait what the fuck there's a specific thing for that okay let's see here what do i type into urban dictionary asians
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
He seems great. He's pretty happy. He's a positive guy. You know, he's he's I think he said he's 15 years sober, which is pretty damn good or 10. I don't remember.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, dude, I don't know. I don't know. This is going to bother me all day.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Asian fuck boy. No, that's not it. Asian. You told me about, you told me about this category of Asian guys.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I can't believe you don't know it. You don't know your people.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You don't know your culture.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Anyways. Wow, okay. Remember it for next time.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Because we got to go. We'll leave this on a cliffhanger for our audience.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, let's leave it. Tune in next time. Tune in next time. Anyways, stick around for that Ian Fidance episode. His original take was the only way to get ahead in life these days is to show whole.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I actually disagreed. I think you can navigate class in an upward way, not through looks or exploitation or showing whole.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Show hole.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah. Or just shucking and diving. Okay. Shucking and driving. Okay, I gotta go. Okay, bye. Okay, bye. Oh, it's just audio? Yeah, but I want to talk to you. I want to look at you while I'm talking. Well then, hats off. Dude. Put your pee-pee back inside your pants. I can't. Oh, that's a nice little flute. Thank you. No, but seriously, why does your Zoom say Shrimp King as your name? Shrimp King.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Dude, that's a prank you did to name me Shrimp King. Why would I prank you? You're my friend. I don't prank my friends. I prank my enemies.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Probably in like a pitch meeting with, with fucking HBO max.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
So maybe it's the phones are listening, man. So you think yesterday when you got home after your fucking shrimp hangover, you were like, let me just change the default settings in my podcasting app to say shrimp king.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, I think so, too. Well, that is Ian Fidance on Shrimp. Moving on to the next guest.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Thank you for your time. Goodbye.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
What the fuck is up, Subway Takes people? It's your boy, Kareem Rahma. I'm here with one of the funniest people, at least in Brooklyn, who I have... who I had the pleasure of meeting via Subway Takes. His name is Ian Fidance, and his take was that the only way to get ahead in life these days is to show whole. So what's your take?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Because we're kind of ugly.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I mean, let's be honest. I mean, you're all right. How much do you think the average person makes showing a hole?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
So how do you suggest that ugly people work their way up? Lie, cheat, and steal. Lie, cheat, and steal, that's all we can do?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I'm sorry, I just got distracted. You have the world's smallest feet. What? Your feet are tiny. Fuck you.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You have tiny feet, dude. What is that?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
These are freaking toothpicks. These are toothpicks?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I'm at least two toes bigger than yours. Congrats. What are you going to do with it? Actually, monetize it, probably make a ton of money.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That's quite mean. This was episode 114, very early on in the show, and Ian, you know, he came in with his creative voice and just made a little speech about how the only way to navigate class in an upward way in today's America is through looks, exploitation, and showing whole. Ian, welcome to the show.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Well, I mean, what else did you have? Also, are you smoking cigs in your house?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I didn't even know who he was until then, which is my bad.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I 100% disagree with that.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, no, no. When we smoke cigarettes indoors and? And? Baseball players.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
And basketball players. Players wore short shorts.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Well, your basement, I've been to your basement. It looks like 92.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It was great. We talked about the 90s and how that was the golden era of literally everything. 90s music, 90s vibes, 90s furniture, 90s aesthetics. 90s lifestyle. He's a 90s guy, and I'm a 90s guy, so we had a lot of fun talking about that. We talked about Thailand and how we could move there and live like kings and also probably establish a village that is 90s-themed.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It feels really good in there except for the podcast studio.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
And you're in your basement right now, your home studio, your film and production and television studio that's in your basement, but you're doing this podcast on your iPhone.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Should we start a GoFundMe?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Shrimp King needs a new laptop.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Wait, I didn't know that you actually – so the Shrimp King thing is not a bit. You really love shrimp. I do love shrimp. I'm telling you the truth.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Should I come over?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Should I come over and fix your Shrimp King?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Hold on. I'm trying to fix Shrimp King. No, do not. You're going to get logged out. We're going to have to start all over again. Leave it.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Do not do anything right now except for smoke a cig and talk to me.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, man. You know, I don't know. I think that after your take, I did realize that you either have to do one of two things to make it in this world. You have to shuck and jive in short-form, unscripted, vertical video content.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I'm shucking and jiving.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Well, you're going to come back on the show. I need to hear your new takes because I didn't know that you were embarrassed by your take.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, you thought that you were like, oh, this guy's got a funny little hobby. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I'm not kidding. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not kidding. You're really going to say the Shrimp King is an attractive guy? Thank you. I think the Shrimp King is very attractive. Thank you. Because here's what I think. I think that no one wants Glenn Powell or whatever his name is. What's that guy's name? I don't know. Glenn Powell?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I don't think you're a gremlin because a gremlin is like real like slimy. Oh, I don't like that. And wrinkly. And you're not wrinkly or slimy.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You're not fat. You're not fat enough to be a goblin.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
100% agree. I think that's great. I'm on a diet right now. Do you know how awful it feels? What diet are you on? Just not eating a lot. Really? I'm on a literal no breakfast, salad for lunch every single day with salmon or chicken, and then pretty much the same thing for dinner. It's really awful.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I've lost like two pounds in a month. It's not worth it. I actually was like, I'm going to give up and just eat cookies and be fat and happy. I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and depressed.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I mean, I don't want to be fucking huge. I don't want to look like the whale.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
What did you think?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, but now I've slimmed the suit. I've slimmed it down because now I'm like a heartthrob. I'm playing into that character.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
what the hell is up subway takes gang it's your boy karim rahma of the subway takes podcast you know me you love me to know me is to love me i'm back with my co-creator and producer andrew quo that's a-n-d-r-e-w-k-u-o you can find him on instagram at a quo project his uh newly launched instagram website as he calls it it's an instagram website because
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I mean, exactly what I'm saying. You've got to be skinny. You've got to be at least kind of fit.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I don't know, man. I don't really have time for all that. Oh. I'm thinking about getting that stick. That's what I call Ozempic.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It doesn't matter. We smoke. We drink. We put things in our noses. Why can't we just have a little harmless little shot that has pros?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I mean, I'm already unhealthy, so I may as well just do this thing that maybe my back problems, you have back problems, maybe, I thought that maybe I have back problems because I'm carrying too much weight in the front, and maybe my back is doing too much work, so I could alleviate the back pain by taking that stick.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Of course not, because everyone knows the answer. That's rude. First of all, that's rude.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You're just so stressed out. Here's the other thing, though, about becoming visible. When I'm on the train and I'm looking at my phone like a normal guy or a normal person, I should say. Pretty much everyone's looking at their phone.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
and then people take photos of me and they post them on instagram and they tag me and they go oh it's the subway takes guy or it's oh it's kareem spotting and every photo i'm hunched over yeah looking like a fucking dweeb looking at my phone probably looking at my own instagram account and so now i don't uh i don't look at my phone on the train now i just i raw dog it
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, that's what you have. I pretend I'm reading a novel.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, but you're making an assumption.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I just hold The Catcher in the Rye in my hands. Nice. Because no one's really mad at that book.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, they're just like, oh, well, they probably think I'm a loser because most people stop reading that in high school.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Do you like that song?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
But I did phrase it as a discussion. We did not discuss that. Okay. But we discussed Life on the Road, Delta. He's a Platinum Medallion member, which I was very jealous of. And a number of other things. It's going to be a great episode. It's a great episode.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I mean, look, who's to say that it's catchy? I mean, you agree with me. I don't condone or listen to it at all. I've never heard it. I don't... How does it go? Sing it to me. Let's see how catchy it is.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I've been on Twitter, and I scroll on Twitter, and I've been served up about 15 variations of that song. It's like, have you seen those? People are using AI to do a salsa style HH. There's a 90s emo HH. There's a jazz HH. There's a lot of HHs. Yeah. Too many some would say.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It's taking the teeth out of the HH. And then I saw a video of like a bar in Thailand where HH has apparently become a banger. Like a literal fucking, it's like a T-Pain song. And they're playing HH in all of the clubs and bars in Thailand.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, no, they're saying the actual HH.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Or to go like to do the pause. No, you can't. I think you have to go full.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah. I'm pretty sure the people of Thailand in the videos that I've been seeing are they don't care about N. They don't care about HH. They don't care about the R word. They don't care about it. They're just saying whatever they want to say.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
But here's the thing. To their benefit, perhaps they don't even know the lyrics, and like you said, it's so catchy that they're just into the beat.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I want to give the people of Thailand the benefit of the doubt.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, no. He's Diamond. He's Diamond. Oh. Which is insane. Shit. Yeah. But back to your earlier assessment of a 90s lover. Yeah. Here's the thing.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I don't know, though, because I think if you live there, you will be paid $8 a day.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, yeah, that vibes.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I think about that every time I go to any country that's not America.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, I think you get rich there, too.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I had a matcha latte right before this, and it was $8. Disgusting. And I tipped, so it was $9, which is the cost of literally 11 Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That's too much. It's crazy. I miss when gas prices were $1.19. And packs of cigarettes were $2.25, brother. Let's bring it back. Would you say that that was... Actually, I saw this Instagram AI video of like... It's like you just walked into your parents' house and it's 1998. And it... Oh, my God. Just watching that, I was like, God, this feels so good. Dude, just... It's so comfortable.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Everything was more interesting in the 90s than it is today.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
What the hell happened?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It just made it more capitalism and less vibes. Yeah. In the recovery period, I think everyone was like, we're going to be the strongest country in the world by consumerism.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That's sick. Fuck it. They were living in the moment, dude. I like that.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I'll just use an example of like, let's just use a living room. Okay. Let's use a coffee shop.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That's great. Think about how happy everyone was. And then in the 90s, you reaped the benefits of what you sowed in the 80s and you had a huge basement with carpet and fucking awesome movies and just hung out all day. I know. So what's the answer? What do we do now? I don't know, dude. I'm at a loss for words.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
We sell wood paneling.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
1993 Toyota Corollas on every corner.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That beautiful Dodge Grand Caravan.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Beautiful car.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I think I want to start being more 90s inspired beyond my fashion choices. I think I want to live like that.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Like right now, a coffee shop looks like Blank Street Coffee and Blue Bottle. Yeah, but okay. But it's just white.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
But then it goes away?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
After, like, 30 minutes?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I just remember feeling— I bought that business, baby. I bought that business.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Honestly, I'm coming around to that idea because I remember coming home to my computer and I was like the warm embrace and glow of the screen and playing The Sims and spending countless hours downloading legal music was nice. I definitely didn't have to do it on the go.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, when was the last time you pooped without your phone, though?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It was good. It was good. Do you get Wi-Fi on airplanes? Or are you a watch the movies kind of guy?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
God, I'm so close. I live in airports. How are you diamond? Do you get upgraded a lot?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, they're modern. Well, pick another coffee shop chain.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, that's so sick, dude. You just went up about five percentage points in my book.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Me and Dale are lounge guys. We're lounge buddies. Dale and I have been in the lounge.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, you skip the lounge.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That's nice.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
But that's because you're at the airport so much.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I have a friend that's sick and disgusting, and he goes to the lounge after his flights. That's crazy. I know. He'll land at JFK or LGA after a fucking long-ass flight, and I'll fly with him sometimes, and he's like, I want to stop at the lounge. I'm like, for what? He's like, get her a little snack. I was like, fuck you. You're 38 years old. We can make it to your home.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
My brother. Fine. Let's use McDonald's or Taco Bell or Burger King. Where do you eat? You eat at all three of those.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I love Delta. I think Delta has the best customer service in the world out of any company, not just airlines.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
These days you walk into a McDonald's and it feels like you're in a fucking MoMA store. It's like the gift shop of a museum. There's not comfortable. It's literally metal and white and other shades of gray. The seating area is uncomfortable. They don't want you to stay. You order a screen. There's no Riz. Absolutely no Riz. When we were in the 90s, dude, McDonald's had fucking Riz.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I don't want to scroll anymore. It's not good.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It's really crazy. The older I've gotten, the more I have tried to fix my problems. And I'm seeing this is why old guys are so annoying and awful. Explain yourself. What do you mean? They go take it or leave it. I have some annoying tendencies. I have a couple of things that I'm like, I shouldn't be like this. But I don't fix it. I just go, that's who I am. I give myself a pass.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
And that's kind of how I got fat. Right. Because I was like, I deserve burgers and chicken tenders whenever I feel like it.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That's how I got disgusting.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That's how I got disgusting. I honestly looked in the mirror the other day and I was like, I look like Michael Moore. Wow. Or Guillermo del Toro, who's even maybe more chunky.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
About yourself.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Wait, who's Chaz Bono? Look up Chaz Bono. Oh, my God. No, not. I remember that guy. You don't look like Chaz Bono. My belly does.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I was reading that the foods... I was talking to Stavros, I think, and he was like, dude, the food is more addictive than the drugs sometimes and the alcohol. If you get in the habit of eating McDonald's, really get into it, that's part of your life.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, you just turn fat and your arteries get clogged up and your brain gets a little dumber.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Wait, what kind of drugs were you addicted to?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Wow, straight alcoholic guy.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Can you imagine what you're saying? Do you hear what you're saying right now?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
What'd you fill it with? Cum.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Another man. Oh, so that's when you realize that you're bisexual.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
And how cool does that sound?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That little poopy little device?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That little sexy little device?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
And I can just fuck it? Wait, no. Sorry about that.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, I got the new one that has the pocket pussy in it. It's really big, but it's worth it.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, dude, it has a self-suck machine. It's really awesome. You don't even have to fuck it. It just sucks.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It's fucking lit. Are you kidding me, dude? And Pizza Hut, the inside of Pizza Hut, yeah, see how you just said fuck yeah? Yeah, yeah. See, it's like you're releasing all of the tension out of your asshole. Yes. Like your asshole was tense and now that you're thinking about Pizza Hut in the 90s, your asshole has kind of let go a little bit.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
saying to hold up my phone what is that auto blow oh my god the auto blow ai ultra e and e and with jordan for 50 off the auto blow ai ultra wait okay we're starting over here so there's a there's a box on your coffee table for a product called the auto blow ai ultra Yes. My number one, my first question is. Is the box open or is it still in the plastic?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It's still in the plastic and there's a candle on top of it. Thank you. Yes. But my first question is, does AI stand for artificial intelligence?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I don't fucking know. What is an auto blow?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Because I wouldn't know, man. Wait, what is the autoblow? I'm Googling this right now if you don't tell me in the next four seconds.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, it's literally called a blowjob machine.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Wait, so you're sponsored by the cum sucker machine? Dude, we're sponsored by that. We're sponsored by Cash App. We're sponsored by Blue Chew. Wait, I'm looking at the videos and GIFs on this website. They are unbelievable.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It's crazy. That thing has incredible suction. I mean, it sells itself, Kareem. The suction is so good, it's able to pick up a hammer from a table. Oh, wait, what are you doing? Wait, why is Dale? You have one? Put it away, Dale. Wait, are you assembling it? What is that? Oh, no. What is that?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
oh my god that is so sick that's a real sound effect guys that's that's practical effects yeah wait so is there really a promo code let's plug it yeah i think it's um i think it's promo code ska ska let me try it out i kind of want to
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Wait, look at all. So the AI, there's an AI plus, there's an AI ultra, which is the most popular. Yeah. Oh, I see what the AI is. You know what it does? I'm selling this product for you. What's the AI do, Kareem? Syncs, S-Y-N-C-S, syncs with erotic films. Feel what you see.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Wait, look at this. They have, yes, your prostate is up your butt. Here's why it's worth it. They have a prostate massager. Well, I didn't know about that. Oh, look at the pros of a prostate massage. Shoot semen even further than before.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Shooting ropes, spraying rope. Wow, that's so cool. I'm really interested in getting sucked by one of these machines. I mean, look, man. Can I come over later? Come on.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Dead stock, bro. It's dead stock. Wait, and is it a mouth or a pussy? I guess pussies don't suck. They only are there. Well, let me tell you.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Wait, I'm so obsessed with this, dude. They have something called the nuts nibbler. Can I tell you, you've done more research on this product than I ever have. Dude, look at this. These people are so funny because the names of the products, I think they have a sense of humor. There's a product on here called the Auto Milker, the Vibrating Penis Milker.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
And that's what the 90s was like. It was a place to relax and enjoy the fruit of your labor. You made some money. You bought a big house. You could buy a big house.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Dude, I mean, I'm just, I'm honestly, I can't even pay attention right now because the penis milker is so sick.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
wait you know it'd be cool if you made that into like the billy bass the fish oh you should you should make that a robotic whatever that thing is what is that creature it doesn't look like a vagina the loudmouth billy bass yeah but make that little thing that you have into a loudmouth billy puss hang it up in your fucking i should put it on this guy Oh, that guy. No, that guy deserves to live.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Someone just sent me that. For the listeners at home. Is that a you? That's a you. Someone made a me doll. That's so cute. Is that nice? That's a fan? Yeah. Oh, dude, you have fans?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, 14. Coming up on 15 in February next year. How's that feeling? Are you feeling good?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That's perspective. That's a nice way to put it.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yes. And you could just sit and have a nice family meal at Pizza Hut and spend 25 bucks maybe. And now... It's gone.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, people were in their car? And how did they hear you?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That sounds awful. But look. I know.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Kill me. But it was probably amazing for the audience. I'm not going to lie. That's like a drive-in movie. It's not the best quality, but it's fucking fun.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, that's cool. That's cool. I want to get to this portion called Takes on Takes.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Where I ask you questions about other people's takes and you tell me if you 100% agree or 100% disagree.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I think Republicans should have their own bathrooms.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Well, I did hear another funny take of our Republicans, which is that if they get hair transplants or do steroids, they're doing gender-affirming surgery or treatment. Hilarious.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Cantankerous, that's a good word. Thank you. I think there should be no more group chats. Abolish group chats. Wow.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, not even a slide. And it's not even just about the playground. Even the characters, they used to have Grimace, and now he's only available when they made that Grimace shake. Yeah. Even Ronald McDonald was more prominent, and then the Happy Meals were filled with big, nice toys. Now they're just pieces of shit.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Here is proof. Wait, why do you kill the group chat? Just because you're like, you want to be the center of attention?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
What is your favorite group chat called? What's the name? Retard. Simple. Simple, easy to remember. Beautiful. Who's in that one?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
here's oh dan i love your new self tape and it's some guy with like some mental disorder like screaming at the camera i like those videos like i like the weirder like do you get served up those videos of like a guy in pakistan who's like making falafel in oil in oil that hasn't been changed in 150 years those are sick yeah i mean let me let me just send see the last one i sent
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Aren't you into wrestling? I thought you were.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You're not a wrestling god.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
As a Midwesterner, I think ranch can go on anything. Super spicy. Totally agree. Totally agree. I agree too. Name something you wouldn't put ranch on right now. My auto suck 1000.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Ranch is great. I feel like it's severely underrated.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Just dipping spaghetti in ranch. Are you a ranch or blue cheese guy? Oh, if I'm getting a salad or wings... Blue cheese. Ranch is a good dip. I don't eat it as the main flavor.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, I love sucking women's fingers. And toes. You a toe guy?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Look, you convinced me.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You're like, I don't want you to lube up your feet in fucking ranch so I can stick my dick in between them. Yeah. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Last time I did that. Remember that one time that you did my comedy show at the diner and that one girl, you thought she was in love with you? Oh, outside. That super babe? Yeah. But I think she was in love with me.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, you were there too?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I know. She was randomly there.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Don't you remember, Ian, I texted you and I was like, holy shit, the girl. No, I gave her your information, I think.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
The 90s are warm.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, and then you found her.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
That's what you do for your boys.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You know, when I was in your basement and your friend Jordan was harassing me,
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You weren't a very good wingman then.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
So even when Jordan was being abusive towards me, you were just like, I'm going to let her cook.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, she was going pretty far, and I wasn't offended, but I was scared of her. Many people are. She's really scary. Very, very scary, but it works in her favor. I don't know if it does. Oh, it does. People love her. She's so scary, though. But she has a nice, warm... When I made her smile, I felt really good about myself.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You have the best energy. I love you. I'm so happy we met.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Well, I think that's a pretty good place to end this. Yeah, this was great. We'll have you back on the show, on the Instagram show, so you can redeem yourself. Totally redeem yourself. Oh, God, don't cut that part out. Keep it. Keep it. Incredible film. You totally redeemed yourself. Oh, God. Cut it out.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, but I haven't seen it in a long time. I think I might re-watch it tonight. I would re-watch it.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You know, I don't know because aging is weird. I only look back. I don't look back on the millennium. I don't look back on the 10s, really.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Wait, I'll re-watch it tonight, too. We can text each other.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It's a great movie.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, movie club chat, but we have to watch the movies together.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, no, that's what we're going to watch, though.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
We're going to watch the classics. I'll watch it tonight. I'll text you. We're going to call it Classic Man Movie Club. All right. The CMCM.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, CMMC at the CMMC. It's fun to watch at the CMMC. We can get cool jackets and trucker hats. I mean, I'm already wearing a trucker hat, so you know I'm in. I just bought one. Perfect. Yeah, I just bought a new one.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Thank you very much for staying, for coming. Ian Fidance, everyone. Where can people find you, Ian?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
There we fucking go. Thank you so much. Thank you, fellas. Love you. Goodbye. Have a wonderful day. Enjoy Sarah Silverman. Or wait, not Sarah Silverman. I'll enjoy that too, brother. She's in the film. See you guys. Peace.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I wasn't even here.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Fun fact, he just started about three months ago. Andrew, how's it going?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, I mean, not anymore because you move upstate.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I know. It's really, really... It's pretty fucking sad. It's an end of an era. Because for those that don't know you, that's kind of where your transformation began.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I went to a third place today.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
The Capital One Cafe in Herald Square.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, no, nothing's free. I mean, things are 50% off for Capital One holders, but everyone knows Capital One sucks. So I don't have a card. But it's a safe space. I mean, it's big. Like Starbucks is canceled because they fucking suck and their coffee tastes like shit. And then Blank Street doesn't even have seats. There's like not really a coffee shop.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
And so when you go to the Herald Square Capital One Cafe, it's the size of a fucking bank.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
And by the way, there's seats. You can hang out. Good music. And they serve third wave coffee.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
They serve something called Verve.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It is a band from the 90s.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It's mixed.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I could see that. But look, dude, here's the most important thing. The most important thing is that the coffee's fucking good. The seats are comfortable and big. And there's plenty to go around. It's tables, seats, bar area, everything. The only thing that I will say that I did not like is that they did not have lightning-fast Wi-Fi.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
No, there were a lot of people.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
There were a lot of people. It was filled. I just happened to get a nice seat that had no table, and it was just a seat that looked out at the window. Oh.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I was people watching because I had a meeting in the neighborhood and I had a half hour to kill. And I needed to upload Subway Takes videos. So I needed a place to sit. I needed a place to sit and I didn't want to stand in a Starbucks or some other godforsaken disgusting place. So yeah, I went to Capital One Cafe and I uploaded my videos. And it just took a little longer.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Usually a TikTok video takes...
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
30 seconds to upload these ones took about a minute and a half oh god that's crazy that must have totally fucked up your day to lose that extra minute it did it did because it took away from my people watching time but i will say man anyways back to equinox you lost your third space you lost your third space and for those that don't know andrew started his transformation his creative i would say that equinox is what turned you into a producer yeah wait what do you mean by that
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Strong body, strong mind.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, you're yoked.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You went from a small to a medium?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
You wore a t-shirt in the baby photos?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
After knowing you for about maybe five or six years, knowing that you only had LinkedIn, and then one day you woke up and decided to also have Instagram, I was pretty shocked. Although I think I know the gateway drug is you were logged into the Subway Takes Instagram account.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Because it was too tight or too loose?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
What brand are you rocking?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Oh, what the hell is Brandless? Is that from Target?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Of course I wouldn't. I'm not a fucking homo.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, I'm a homo sapien. Oh, I don't know. That comeback is not cool. Oh, fuck.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I embrace being homo.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I'd be like, yeah, come over here. I'll suck your cock right now. You said that as an elementary school kid on the playground? Of course. Nice. So I can't believe Malou approved... I don't know if you... Do you want to use names or no?
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Okay. I think that's fine. I can't believe that Malou approved a t-shirt and the baby photos. I feel like that's disrespectful to your unborn child.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I mean, you're not wearing a collar.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
It's not a time to flex.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, but generally speaking, I would say that guys that wear t-shirts are just not as tight.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
We did talk about it in the episode. I have body dysmorphia, and honestly, it is related to t-shirts. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Yeah, look at it right here.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
T-shirts to me are for boys. You wear shorts too. You're like a boy. You wear shorts and T-shirts. Oh, mommy, I'm going to school. I want to put on my favorite T-shirt.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
I have nice calves.
SubwayTakes
“The only way to get ahead in life these days is to show hole!” with Ian Fidance
Here's what I'll say about Dale's t-shirts, though. Dale wears cropped t-shirts sometimes and it looks fucking hard.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Yo, what's up, guys? We're on our way to go meet up with Cate Blanchett for Subway Takes Uncut. I have no idea what's about to happen. We're meeting on 67th Street, going uptown on the 1 train to 125th. I'm pretty excited because she's one of the greatest actors of all time. Two Oscars, a couple of other awards. I don't know. We're going to see what she has to say. Here it is. So what's your take?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Here's the thing, though. Your characters are so—you seem pretty put together.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Yeah, as a human being. You seem—you know, you have a history of activism. You've been married for 28 years. You've got kids that are in school and not, you know, chefs. Sorry, chefs. What's wrong with being a chef? I'm just kidding. But your characters are oftentimes... Unhinged. They're a little unhinged, and I would describe them as, like, as slippery.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Morally slippery, physically slippery. Like, they're hard to grasp. They're like smoke. You know, you want to say, like, I can help you. And... Every time you go like this, they... Slip away. They slip away. That's what I would say the defining role of a Cate Blanchett film is.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Smoky people. You play smoky people. This is the dirtiest outside of a train I've ever been on.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
How's it look? I mean, those look really good on you.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Yes. I don't know how these look on me.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
So one of your other hot takes is that you don't like when people have smudgy glasses.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Or you're just resting it. No, no, so I massage my thumb. I actually bought this thing from Japan where I massage my thumb. Back to the leaf blower conversation, though. What I've never understood, and somebody brought this up to me the other day, is why do they blow instead of suck?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Do you think these ones? Really? Oh my God, young Rami. You were so wrong. Look, Rami tells the truth in any situation.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
No, I don't do anything. I don't even wash my face.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I don't even wash my face, but I got a zit right before this. You did where? Look at it.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I read that you were voted the third... The blind most... This is such a crazy compliment. Yeah, it was the third most naturally beautiful woman in the world. How do you feel about that? Look, I didn't do it. The third most. The third most. And then they also preface it by saying, naturally beautiful.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I don't know. I just saw, I read it, and it said, Cate Blanchett was voted the third most naturally beautiful woman in the world in 2004.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Was that before or after the Oscars?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Do you have any plans to win another Oscar?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
That's a lot. That's getting greedy.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Did you say with your... Chickens. Oh, I thought you said with your gun.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I thought you said you want to be at home with your gun and chickens. I was like, what are you going to do?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Do you know about the epidemic that's happening in New York at the moment with Australians?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Oh, no, no, no. They have settled in New York City.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Yeah, because what they bring... is breakfast sandwiches and avocado toast. And what is wrong with this? I just think that the city has enough.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
That's in every Australian cafe. Is that the national food?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
One guy sent me a direct message and he said, What's up, man? I'm an Australian living in New York City. I just opened a seven-story bar that I would love to invite you to.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I think that they fit in. Like they can party. They are buff and sexy usually. They're attractive.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
They're naturally beautiful people. And I don't know. I think that there's something to them.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Are they all actors? And baristas. They're all actors and baristas.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I can't. I mean, we're touching. We got to wash our hands.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
This is one of the dirtier trains I've ever run on.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I've lived a good life. I've been on the train more hours than the average person. I don't even commute.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Like the disgusting bed cover? Yeah.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Well, sorry. How many people are wearing white slippers? Sorry, mate. Sorry, mate. Oh, wait, am I doing Australian or English?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
So you don't live down under anymore?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
That's one of them. I don't remember. I have so many, and they come in and out of my brain very quickly. You know what the real answer is? I don't want to reveal it.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I gotta go. Goodbye. I'll see you later. Bye.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Well, it's also like a snowblower. Why are we obsessed with blowing?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Everything's blowing, nothing's sucking. I know.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Right, right, right. It's pretty terrible. I'm with you 100%. I think most of the population... Is this a problem in, like, Australia? You live in Australia or Britain?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Well, it's basically minimum wage these days. I wanted to get your opinion on some of the other takes. Well, yeah, what do you think of my suit? You like my suit? I just got it, actually, for you.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Well, I thought that the glasses were going to be good camouflage, but now they've become a signature look, so I can't leave the house with glasses on.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
your sunglasses no because i i want so i'm also an actor and a writer and a producer and such and i wanted people to be surprised when they saw me on screen that they would see my eyes and i wouldn't just be the guy from the show you think we wouldn't recognize you on screen because of those glasses oh shit it's you that's good acting yeah that's amazing that's some of my best so this is called takes on takes so these are some takes that uh have been on the show recently we don't need any more podcasts
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Yeah, this is technically the world's shortest podcast.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Yeah, okay, more podcasts. She's in. Men should have to menstruate once a year.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
100% agree. I was in Miami the other day. Yes. I literally saw a guy blowing one leaf. But where was he blowing it?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
You can't do twice because what I've learned is that the menstrual cycle lasts the entire month.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Well, I watched my wife give birth. Let me tell you. I would just not do it. I would say, you know what, I'm just going to not have a kid.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Three and a half. Yeah, I mean, I've always known that women were stronger than men. Facts. That is true. But then after you see the physical, like the pregnancy and the birth, I think it's just, you just... Are you okay with blood? I'm okay with blood, but I don't know if I'm okay with the head coming out of the vagina.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I don't mind the other stuff. It was really just the body, because it becomes very extraterrestrial.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Easy to please. In that order. All right. Certain compliments mean more coming from certain races. So an example that I gave is that if a black guy tells you you look cool, it means you really, really look very cool.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I've literally never seen it. I live in New York City. I've never seen a black guy dressed poorly, ever.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I think that would be better for me. Well, the highest compliment to come from a black woman is, like, you're cool. Like, not you look cool, but you are cool. You are cool. Yeah. And then people who wear white sneakers don't fuck.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I literally had no idea what you were going to wear. Can I show you this? This is insane. So I just, on the way over here, I was like, let's just see.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
People who wear white sneakers do not 100% agree. I used to wear white sneakers. I wasn't him. No. And then I got these hard shoes on.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
He switched to hard shoes and he became a real fornicator.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Oh, that might make it horny. Yeah. Might make it horny. Well, no, I think that's the difference. If you're wearing white shoes with socks, you are not fornicating.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
He would not. No way. But if you're wearing white sneakers... Do you wear socks? Oh, I wear socks. You wear white socks. I wear long socks, but I'm not wearing a white sneaker.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Yeah, I know. Clearly I've been in the bushes before I came here. That means you're a real fornicator. I am.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
This is a revelation for me and something I now understand. And I will go back to him. And say, Kate Blanchett says, if you're wearing dirty white sneakers, it means you're a real fornicator. It's on. How many times do you think I've said real fornicator on this show?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Of course, I'm a real fornicator. I can say it as many times as you want me to.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
No, I had this thought. I said, whatever happened to Riggs?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I don't know what that is. Tell me the secret of movie making.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Peach. Because it's got the ch at the end. Peach is a horny word. This is turning into a horny podcast. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Or the new show? Black Bag. Tell me about Black Bag. Oh, yes, I'm in the movie. That's why I heard I'm here because of Black Bag.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I think Birkenstocks are one of the sexiest shoes.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
How long have you been married? I've been married for, you know, it's debatable.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
No, it's debatable because I don't remember. That is really not... It's either three or four years.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Well, that's because you've gone over 20. Like, after 20... Over the limit. Yeah, no, no. Once you know that you... Once you've been married for 20 years, then you start... It's a miracle. Then you start counting. You go, holy shit, we made it to 20. And then you go, okay, now it's 21, now it's 22. I'm so early on that it seems like it doesn't matter.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
No. I like to make decisions. I'm a decision maker.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I would say we've been married for about a year.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
No, no, no. It literally is a year because we got married when the baby was conceived. We decided to get married. But we were already going to get married. But it just seemed like a really good time to not have our child born in sin. Yes.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
To me, it's something of an insurance policy. What, to get married? Doing, like, some of the religious stuff. I feel like, look, if you have... What religious persuasion is she? We're Muslims. She's recently converted from being a Christian, but being born a Muslim, that got converted by her grandmother.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
And then she unconverted. Not for me. By her own volition.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I said do it every month. Is that a thing? I think they call them a re... Something a re-something. Like you re-enter the thing.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
No, no, she re-became a Muslim. She was born Muslim, and then she was converted to Christianity by her grandmother. Oh, I see. And then she came back.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I didn't personally try to bring her back. We were in Turkey, and she went to a mosque.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Yeah, I'm a mole man. You know, some people would call me a rat in New York City. I'm New York City's most famous subway rat. You need your vitamin D. I do need my vitamin D. That's why I sun myself. I have a question for you. When's the last time you took the New York City subway?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
So you're into the weird stuff that happens?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Well, that's called pretending to read.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
I had once, after I did an episode of the show, a guy came up to us and he chimed in and he was like, well, I think blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he goes, why are you guys talking into the MetroCards? And we go, oh, we're doing a show.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
He was like, oh, I thought you were just holding – like he thought – he was watching us and he was like, why are these two people having a conversation like this? And he had no idea why. And he thought it was normal. And then he approached us and said, hey, I think – he essentially came and chimed in and said, I think that this take is correct.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Well, my thumb hurts, so I had to convert to this. Because I used to do this. But now this hurts. So now I do this.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
And what I would do is like put two senators from each state – he had a whole well-thought-out thing.
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Do you feel like that is cool? Do you think that you're such a good actor?
SubwayTakes
This Is Cate Blanchett's Sexiest Word To Say | Uncut
Do you think that you're such a good actor that you can just be on the subway and everyone's like, oh, it's just a lady, just a smart-looking lady?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
So what's your take? This is a note to all restaurants. Stop singing happy birthday to adults. 100% disagree. I'm sorry. I want it. No, no. If you're at a Mexican restaurant and you're making adults sing to you, it's embarrassing for everybody. They're getting paid for it. No, no, no. They're getting paid.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
He has to change himself. Let's just say that. He has to put on different clothes and makeup. He has to be a different person.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
And then the son is like, oh, that guy's awesome. Actually, Mrs. Doubtfire, that's the true Rorschach test of what type of person are you. Are you pro-Robin Williams or are you anti-Robin Williams in that movie? Yeah. It's a real Rorschach test. I don't think I could have a... Of like, hey, are you chill or not?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
kareem run it by people you'd be shocked how many people in act one are like yeah yeah he should be left he should be left you know i've gotten into full debates i've gotten into full debates where people are like they're like no no what sally field was asking was for consistency and i was like when in your life has your dad brought you a fucking zoo You know, in Islam, intention is everything.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
We start with intention. What was his intention? Joy. Joy. Pure, unbridled joy. Which, again, as we know, in our dear faith, a smile is sunnah. How many smiles are happening when there's a lava running through your house? How many city ordinances this guy is breaking through just to make his kids happy? You're a basketball fan? Love basketball. Who's your favorite team?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Every time you sing to a grown adult, it sounds like you're talking to me in italics. I feel embarrassed when they sing. Okay, I feel embarrassed too. Yeah, I felt humiliated, I felt ashamed. It's different when you're a kid. For a child, it's affirming. Yes. No, but see, they're children. They deserve, we should sing happy birthday to them. It's not even their birthday.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Sacramento Kings, unfortunately. Because you're from California? I'm from Northern California. Grew up in Davis, yes. And you play basketball? I'm a Hooper, yeah. Are you good? You're tall. I'm decent. Could I beat you? Yes.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
No. Asking someone, are you good, is a loaded question. Am I civilian good? Am I like West Forth pickup? With the dude in khakis and... Would you? Like, dress pants and... That should be a show, by the way.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
The court. The court, yeah. Or hoops. Yeah, hoops.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Like when they slam dunk, it's like... But, okay, have you ever played pickup? There's always one person who's like straight up in dress slacks and dress shoes, a white Oxford shirt, just balling. He's just fire. He has a briefcase, just got off work. Well, I'm not going to say... I've had many instances with those people, but they are ungovernable. That's the truth.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Like, they don't abide by any rules. A white oxford shirt playing outdoor pickup basketball on freshers is nasty work.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
The person I'm referring to is a very specific character.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Strongly disagree. Arm sleeve is cool. Arm sleeve is cool. You just want to disagree?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
You just want to disagree with me? Well, as I've gotten older, I'm like, that level of commitment to anything I respect, you know, to be, you know, in your mid-40s and have to suit up like Batman. I think that's uncool. Anything that involves that. That's superhero level prep, you know what I mean?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Like, you lost me at... Okay, so first of all, we have to set up the premise. First of all, number one, for those of you that don't know, djinn are basically spirits, ghosts, demons, the chupacabra, some sort of apparition, right? Yeah. They can be good and or bad. They're like humans. I'm going to side with... I'm going to lean towards, just to be safe...
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
I feel scared to even ask you what you did. Like, I'm scared. Like, how did I do it?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Just go on Reddit. We don't want to know.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
That's crazy. That's crazy. Don't you want to experience it? Bro, you have too much free time. You have too much free time. It doesn't take that long. By the way, this is where I know you are a comic deep down. Your desire to subvert expectation is crazy. I wasn't doing it for material. Yeah, but this is, I'm not going to lie, this is the most Caucasian thing you could possibly do. It really is.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Subbing the underworld? Like, that is... Bro, the mayo is messy right now. Like, we do not fuck with the underworld. Leave it alone.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Okay. So I get they told me not to, but then why did you have to make the spirit partake in sexual acts with you?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
They're just running around. They're running on bucking the streets. Yes, they're gallivanting through the streets of New York. They deserve to be saying happy birthday too. To be an adult and be like, it's my day, you should be sent to Abu Ghraib. So that's my first thing. Okay, let them cook. My second thing... I hope to God that I agree with you on this one.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
And apparitions of jinn and ghosts, etc. Yeah. And is now, we have now descended into a conversation about consent.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Don't mess with Jen, and I stand on business on that statement.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Yeah, but you also... Do you do the Arab version? The Hasan? Yeah, give me some Han. Yeah, Hasan. Hasan. What's next for me is Off With His Head is streaming now on Netflix. My new stand-up comedy special. Off With His Head. Off With His Head. Why are you calling it that?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
This is my third special. The first one was called Homecoming King. Second one was King's Jester. Off With His Head.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
It's like Star Wars. It just felt like, you know what I mean? It's like Star Wars. Kind of. Yeah. It's beautiful. Where they did like five, six, and seven. Or was it six, seven, eight? No, they went backwards. Yeah. They started, I think it was episode, was it four, five, six? Four, five, six. Yeah, yeah. They go episode four, five, six, and they're like, it's episode one.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
No one would ever do that today. Imagine being like, you have a series. And you're like, hey, I'm doing a screening of the pilot at the Roxy. We all show up and it's episode four. And you go, you have two choices, keep up or keep up.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Do you think it's true? No, this is the same way I've heard. Depending on what part of the world you're from, we invented math. There's a lot of people out here claiming math.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
I could bring a Chinese friend and be like, stop. Get a Chinese friend over here. Get a Chinese friend.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
I disagree. I just feel like it can get racist really fast. I think you can get raises really fast. I think you're right.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
We need to eliminate office birthday cards. 100% agree. Okay? You know when they're passing it around and they're like, oh, it's Carol's birthday. Don't show her. Don't show her.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Chicago-style pizza is better than New York-style pizza? No.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
I agree. I agree with you. Yeah, and I actually think, I mean, personal favorite, like, shout-out to every single dollar-slice spot out here beating inflation.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
We all have a drawer. Come on, dude. Stop.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Before you leave the house, you're like, oh, I may need some quarters for my parking meter today. Whether it's $125 or $150, we're safe. You think that's fine? That's fine. That's fine. Outside clothes on the bed are okay. That's wild. I saw that. That's insane. That's absolutely batshit. You know, I agreed with that guy. Yeah, man. I mean, you're losing your moral center here.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
I'm becoming whiter by the day. No, no, no, but to drag in, you're just like subway, piss stain, hepatitis C infested. Jacket. Jacket.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
No, that's insane. That's insane. I'm going to look at my phone. Get down to your undershirt. Minimum. Get down to your undershirt. I think this is like your sweat jacket.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
This is your cardio sweat jacket. Whatever's underneath that, whether it's a white Hanes tank top or like a t-shirt, that and all I'm asking for is a pair of basketball shorts. From like 10th grade.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Great. You know how you have like a chair? You know how everyone has like a desk and a chair? Lay your outside clothes there. I'm not even going to say fold them and put them away. I'm just like you. I'm not cleaning. I think you can have an outside clothes pile. But the fact that people are just straight up taking denim on a bed. Just from a texture perspective. I'm not going to bed.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
You think I'm going to sleep? Okay, the fact that there's people in this country that will wear raw, salvaged denim on a bed, okay? He doesn't. But then be like, gazpacho, ew, the texture and temperature. That's insane. The lack of, I mean...
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
She could give a fuck about everyone's Greyhound bus stall scribble. Also, I don't like Cheryl. I don't like her at all. I don't want to write in her car, though. So I'm going to write like... Who's getting off on HBD exclamation point?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
That's my take on therapy. Okay. Okay, moving on. Let's do this one. The fact that you agreed on outside clothes inside of bed. Bro. Bro, I'm white. I'm not. Egyptians are white.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Or you're other. I think it was Asian Pacific Islander for a long time. That's not even accurate. You're not Asian Pacific Islander. I'm part of the Asian subcontinent. India's part of the Asian subcontinent. But I thought Asian Pacific Islander meant Hawaii. It feels that way. Definitely when you say Asian Pacific Islander, it feels like a Hawaiian shirt.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
I literally thought it was Hawaiian this whole time. Yeah. It's not? No. Are you sure you're checking the right box? No, no, no. It's not Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Asian Pacific Islander is not Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Are you sure you're not checking the right box? AAPI, Asian Pacific Islander, somehow includes, like, Asian Pacific Islander, according to the U.S.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Census, is essentially, like, what Genghis Khan thought. Oh, wait. I gotta go. This is my stop. This is your stop? Yeah. Oh, shit. See ya. Bye. Bye.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
We'll give 16 to the whites. Sweet 16, you guys get that. 16 to 80? I'm saying for us. For us beige folk, we get 0 to 15. Other people get the sweet 16. 16 to 80? Nothing. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to be invited. You can't invite me to it.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Okay, that's a good take. I like that. Okay, then 16 to 80, no birthdays. At all. The moment you turn 80, every year we're doing your birthdays are back. Oh, okay. 90, starting at 90, we do half birthdays. Or we just call them alive days. Like you're still trucking. But the fact that there's like 47-year-olds that are like, everyone meet me in the Bahamas. Fuck you.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Get out of here. It's embarrassing for the staff? No, they like it. They hate it. This is why you're a content creator. They fucking hate it. No, they don't. It's embarrassing to them? It's embarrassing to other patrons at the restaurant, and it's embarrassing to the person whose birthday it is.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Kareem, you come out with these bouncy boingy curls. I swear, I don't wash my face. Kareem, you come out here with these beautiful curly sulaks. Why are you flipping this on me all of a sudden?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
They don't want to know about my hair because this hair is all natural. All right, I'll just say this. I think there's been big propaganda that's been pushed by the shampoo lobby telling people to over shampoo and condition their hair.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
I bring this news from my grandparents and my culture and my heritage. Let that oil cook. Let it cook. Let it cook. Let it bake. Let it marinate. Because people who are shampooing every day. Oh, you're just. Destroying. You're destroying all the natural minerals and resources. And resources. You're talking about it like it's the Middle East. You're destroying the natural... Yeah, barrel of oil.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
You know how they talk about the barrel of oil, right? Air is an allegory? Yeah, don't just... You don't want to do that?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
No, I don't even condition. I don't condition. I shampoo, I shampoo, do a condition... Like, after... I gotta do something strenuous. I gotta be like, I gotta come off a... Basketball court. Basketball court. Or just like a Southwest flight landing in LaGuardia. I'm like, yo, shit is grimy. Everything's grimy. So I'll do a full shampoo in condition. But natural?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
I'll come out the shower, do a little towel dry, put a little bit of like coconut oil or a little bit of pomade. We're getting the really good stuff right now. We're getting really good stuff. Put it in. Okay. Let it rot. Okay. Then let nature do its course. Let nature run its course. Don't go out, though. Don't go out. Oh, you have to stay in the house. Just chill. Just vibe.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
You've got to let it marinate. Let it cook. Let it cook. I don't believe that you— Fire up Hulu. Watch Shogun. Let it cook a little bit. Go to sleep. Right? Oh, this is nighttime? Nighttime, yeah.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
I am not doing like a— You don't do the morning shower? No, no, no. I'm not doing like an 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. I do a morning shower, but I won't— You do both. I won't touch the— I won't touch up top.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Do you have any pets? No, bro. You almost said yes. This is the most offensive thing you could ask me. Why? You know it's mostly pro-cat, anti-everything else. So do you have any cats? We have no cats. You have no cats? We have no cats. I have kids, but I have no cats. Well, what do the kids play with?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
You guys, growing up in your house, you guys had animals?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
But he was pro-animal. You guys are Egyptian, right?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
The Oakley's on. I don't know if you're fucking with me. I can't tap into your sincerity.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
So Baba was okay with this? Mama was okay with this?
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Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
How did you get this bill passed through Congress?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Right. He could see the vision. He's like, pets have better health care.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
You walk home to these just... Yeah, they greet me.
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Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
When people come over, are you torturing the animals?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
You're on a train. You're making grown adults sing to you because you're 43 years old? What's the problem with it?
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Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Dude, you're wild. You are counterculture. You are wild.
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Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Yes. Super disrespectful. We love cats. We do love cats. Yeah, we do love cats.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Got it. Yeah, you're supposed to do this with one of your children and be like, my son's middle name is Mustafa in honor of my brother.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
How is it different? That's less humiliating. What? Bro. The guy's in your mouth. I just turned 39. They sang me happy birthday. Like, I was in the office, like five people brought out a cookie. Your office is not a restaurant. A restaurant, it's worse. It's worse. Hey, are you offended if someone sings? Do you feel bad when they sing happy birthday to you? Hell no. At a restaurant? This is crazy.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
They need some work. Yeah, they need some work.
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Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
I'm not going to. Here's the fucking thing. You thought about it. $500 is a low price. Yeah. Brother. Yeah, but I was about to be like, do you have it in cash? Isn't that weird? The fact that if he had it in, like, crisp $100 bills, I was really considering it. Do you still feel when you hold money, do you ever feel like it's dangerous? I still feel that way. Like you're going to spend it?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Yeah, like when I hold a $20 bill, I'm like, I could get candy with this. You could what? I could get candy with this. What? You don't feel the thrill of danger? Dude, I saw that... Your parents were immigrants, right? Yeah. You don't feel the thrill of, like, I can do anything I want with this? When I have $20. Yeah, when you have, like... Well, now, $50 is a new $20. I need, like, $60.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Yeah, I know, $50 is a new $20. But, like, if I actually hold currency, like real USD, from the U.S. Mint, yeah, bro.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
It just kind of means like, I'm fully committed. You're pop committed. Yeah, and I've accepted the iTunes user agreement. Full acceptance. Full commitment.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Well, if you're part of the Abrahamic faith, shout out to all the Abrahamic faiths, we're essentially PS3. We're iOS 16. Well, let's keep it PlayStation. Let's keep it to my area. PlayStation 1, obviously. Judaism. Yes. Dope. Shout out to the Torah. Shout out to the Talmud. PS2, Christianity. PS3 just combined it all. This is the best system. Yeah, and we're backwards compatible. That's true.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Yeah, we're like, oh, you guys, yeah, same. Yeah, we mess with the Bible. Yeah, PS3. You want me to play Gran Turismo 1? I can do it. And PS3 games. Yes, of course. So if you want me to play like NBA 2K14, sure. But if you also want to play, you know, Metal Gear Solid 1, I'll rock with that. We can rock with it. Yeah. When did you get your first PS PlayStation? I got a PlayStation 1.
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
I got a PlayStation 1, 9th grade. Were you a gamer? A little bit. Are you still a gamer? Nah. You're not a gamer? I have a choice. Either I'm going to game or I'm going to watch my children grow up. You're like, either I'm going to game or I'm going to watch my shows. Well, do you ever do this? Do you ever do this?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
You go, like, hey, am I going to watch The Sopranos or am I going to watch my childhood?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Bro, I'm a funny dad. Funny dad? Yeah, I'm super fun, too. I'm a good dad.
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Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I fuck up. I actually fuck up order. Oh, you cause chaos. Yeah, governance and rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the wife is a little more... Bro, I'm Mrs. Doubtfire. You know what I'm saying? I come in and it's fun and games. I'm the opening scene in Mrs. Doubtfire. Remember where there's like a zebra and there's pets? Oh yeah, the zoo. And Sally Fields is like, what's going on?
SubwayTakes
Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays | Uncut
Yeah, I'm that. That's so nice. Yeah, remember when Robin Williams has his hat backwards?
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Now, did you have a fun time when we were doing the shoot? Did you feel stressed at all? I mean, you guys had something which I really like, which is a damn bodyguard.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
It made me feel safe because sometimes I'm like, I should probably at this point, I actually should have one.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I'm a nice guy.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Because no matter how much... Baby, I could never win.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I have a song about it. It's called Baby, I Could Never Win.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Yeah, you could never win. It's about New York? Eh, you know, it's about everything.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
What was funny about that moment is that, so a guy, so we were doing, it was me, Abdullah, Sagar, and Asif, and we were doing our subway takes, and I think Sagar was second, and He was second. And then there was a guy who was filming us like a fan on the subway being like, oh, this is cool. It's subway takes. It's happening in front of me. So he's filming it with his phone.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
And then this other guy did not like that that guy was filming us. And he went up to the guy that was filming us and slammed the phone out of his hand, stomped on it, and then exited the train car. And then the guy whose phone was stomped on looks at us and he goes, oh, I'm so sorry I pissed your bodyguard off. Did you catch that part? Yes.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
It's OK. It's going to turn around, right? Or do we have to get off? Oh, sorry, ladies. OK. I'm so sorry. Thank you.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
He deserved it.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
You know, I knew when you were going to do the take, I knew that take. I wanted to put you in the best light. I really like you. We've known each other for 12, 15 years, whatever. Long time. You got the shows out. The show's great. Deli Boys. Thank you. And I remember you talking about it six, seven, eight years ago. And I was like, oh, that's a great concept.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
And I was like, good luck in the way that like a good luck in Hollywood is a genuine like I'm like literally like I hope you fucking do it because it's so hard.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Wow, I made it boring real quick. No, I want to know how it feels to get that show out of your body. Actually, I want to know how it feels to get that phone call that they're going to do it because I chase that feeling all the time. I call it the college acceptance letter. Oh, yeah. I think when you're young, there are quite a few moments in your life where it's a definitive yes or no.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
It's just like you're in the college that you want, and there's no concessions. And it's like you're in the college that you want, but... But you can't start until 2027 or whatever. It's just a yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like as an adult, the older you get, the more responsibility that you have, the more concessions there are to everything. There's never like a... You never get...
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
everything you want, essentially is what I'm trying to say. There's always a compromise, whether it's in your relationship, in your work, in your this, in your apartment. You can't get the house that you want. Of course not.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
God, that's so long.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Yeah, yeah.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
No, but that's fire. I mean, you've always known that, like, in the entertainment industry, especially, like, You can't really put your eggs in one basket because there is no fucking basket. There is no basket. You have to be carrying a bunch of eggs with no basket. Literally. You carry six eggs. Six eggs. One's a script. One's a podcast. One's a doc film.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
That is too fucking real. And one by one, they fall out of your arm and break. Bro, this is exactly right. And then one egg makes it and hatches and then you have a fucking TV show.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
What the hell is up, Abdullah?
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
That's so funny. But I mean, I think that is the way to try to cobble together some sort of career. I mean, unless you can eat shit sandwiches for like a decade where you're like, no, no, I need to make The Brutalist. Like, that's it. I don't want to make another movie. I need to make the Brutalist.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
And, like, if you need to make the fucking Brutalist, then that means that you eat shit sandwiches for 10 years. And, like, even when the movie's made, you're like, I'm still poor because I made the Brutalist. Like, then that's, I mean, but that guy probably feels great. Like, he was probably like, yeah, my dream was, you know, they were like, you're going to make $0 from the movie.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I'm great. We were just discussing how it's a wonderful day in Manhattan. I'm posted up. The birds are out.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
And he was like, that's what I wanted. I wanted to, I just wanted to make the Brutalist.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Yeah. Yeah. A much better metaphor. But you're a dude, man. I'm a dude, though. I'm a bro. I take big old bro shit.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
We were in Minneapolis recently to play a show with my band Tiny Gun and also to screen the feature film for the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Film Festival. And it's funny, we were in an Uber and it ended up being an Egyptian guy. And you know how it goes. I'm sure you see a guy and they start talking to you and all of a sudden it's your fucking uncle, right? It's your dad or your uncle.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
And so this guy, I've only known him for seven minutes. And he's like, what do you do? I'm like, oh, well, I'm in town for the band. And then we have a screening tomorrow. And then blah, blah, blah.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Well, here's what I do, uncle. And I tell him these things. And then he's like, oh, well, what do you do? What's your business? I start explaining. And the whole band's in the car, by the way. And eventually, in Arabic, he goes, you're doing too many things. You got to pick one thing. You can't be all these things. Wow.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
and i just go all right man because i what i really wanted to say was shut the fuck up yeah like you don't you don't mind your own fucking business hey you're driving uber bro who the fuck are you but like but it's people don't understand that this is like it's not like the old days where it's like you're like a pharmacist unless you are a pharmacist but even now if you're a pharmacist you probably also are or are a dj
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
what no yeah ceo goldman sachs oh you know what somebody but in the way that like eric adams is a dj right it's no dude no no he gets no he gets booked like currently yeah david solomon known as known as dj diesel bro i fucking hate this guy already That's so annoying.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
David Solomon, known as DJ Diesel, is an American investment banker and DJ who has been the CEO of Goldman Sachs since October 2018. What the hell?
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
That's such a weird thing. He's got to have a side hustle.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
The side hustle is being the CEO.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
What is investment banking, dude? People, I do not understand. It's gambling. I talk to people. Yeah, but does that mean that anyone could be an investment banker? I guess. I think so.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
We just had probably seven days of shit. It was absolute shit. Rain. You know when it's not even raining? It's not even sprinkling. It's just wet.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Okay, so there were a lot of comments on the take, which I agreed with, by the way, because I have been... I've always been a sensitive guy. I'm a sensitive boy. But I remember that there were times in my life where I would wake up one day at school. And I've had a lot of emotions, not negative ones. I'm silly. I'm jolly. I'm open. I'm vulnerable. I'm okay.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I used to be friends with a lot of girls when I was in high school because I found that men were too masculine. And I was like... I'm not a pussy, but I don't need to bang my head against a wall or punch something or lift heavy weights. And there were times, though, where I would be like, okay, you know what? Enough with this. I need to become the strong, silent type. Hmm.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
And I would go to school and I would last maybe three hours. I was like, I'm the mysterious guy now. Do you know how silly that is to be in middle school and be like, I'm done, dude. Girls don't like this. I'm going to become the mysterious guy now.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Did I say middle school? I meant 2019. I'm just kidding.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Oh, really?
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
So you were still cool. You were still cool.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Yeah, dude, the biological need to get bitches.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
What the hell is up, y'all? It is Kareem Rahma back with another episode of Subway Takes the Damn podcast. Today I'm joined by Abdullah Saeed, writer and creator of the new show of Deli Boys, now streaming on Hulu. Abdullah came on the show a couple of weeks ago and brought a very intellectually stimulating hot take to the platform.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
No, it's literally what every single one of those movies is about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. They're all about the one guy who's a pussy or needs to get laid. All the movies are about being a man, but the definition of man is awful. It's pretty much like a jock piece of shit misogynist. Yeah, exactly. It's no wonder that we're all brain-damaged young men.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
i was in this stew of fucking bad vibes you know one thing that i didn't expect in the comments which which which i was like come on give us a little like give us a little break for once please please as some ladies they were like you know we've been saying this for years and we've been gaslit and silenced until a man says it and now we all agree And I was like, we're making progress, man.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
We're trying. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, yeah. Verbatim, women being silenced and gaslit for saying it for years until some men actually listen, say, or approve it.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
And all I kept saying is, I just kept saying, why does it smell like worms? But the worm smell, the problem was the worm smell, dude, the worm smell was in my house. And it was also in a restaurant. I kept saying, it smells like worms.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
The thing is, it is being mansplained. That is what's funny about it, is that we were mansplaining. Yeah, yeah, we were. We mansplained it.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
But you know what? But you have to do an equation, which is that you had the opportunity to come on this platform and do good or to talk about farts. And I think we did the right thing. I think we did the right thing by talking about something that, you know what? I kind of wish we'd done the farts.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
no no sometimes you gotta put the vegetables in in the candy you know and that's true and as a man you are the candy because you know unfortunately we live in a society where where where men are more perceived as more authoritative literally and so sometimes sometimes you you're like a sleeper cell you have to deliver a message
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Well, that's because I'm pretty sure they just feel bad for us. Is that... Well, I'll take it. I'm serious. I think they're just like, they look at you, you've got a little pot belly. They're like, are you pathetic? A middle-aged man is now on his way to becoming like a baby again. They see your little pot belly. Yeah, that's true.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
They see you kind of mosey on end, like you look like you've had an awful day most of the time. You know, because it's the mundane, it's the mundane midlife. Yeah, you have acid reflux. You probably used to be awesome. You used to skateboard. You used to fucking listen to punk. Now you're hanging out at home watering your plants and listening to Phoenix.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Now you're essentially almost trans. You have to take testosterone support. I'm on testosterone support. Well, I'm on the testosterone support and the blue shoes. At this point, it's all gender-affirming stuff where I'm like, I'm no longer a guy. I'm just like, I'm waning. I'm waning.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Pot-bellied blob. Pot-bellied guys. Right? Just walking around. It's so funny because this is – I always used to joke, and I still do, I guess, that, like – well, now less so, but, like – In probably my mid-20s, which were definitely my golden era. You saw me back then. I was pretty buff. Oh, yeah.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I was crushing it. I was wearing all black. I had chains and bracelets. I was sick, dude. I was really... I mean, I was...
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
At the time, it was working. I'll say that much. It's funny because everything, every decision I made in my entire life between the ages of 14 to like 33 was to attract women. Everything. I had no personality. My personality was whatever you want me to be. If you're a Republican and I'm on a date with you, then yes, I'm a libertarian. Fuck it. Oh, wow. You're a real nihilist.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Well, when I was a young man, I used to play with worms. I know exactly what they fucking smell like. Also, I'm I'm kind of I'm kind of mashed up. I mean, I don't mash them up. But when I was young, I mean, it was cool that you could literally cut one in half and then it would just be two worms.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I have the standard ideals, which are pretty much the Ten Commandments. If you're a murderer, I'm not going to murder with you. That's a low bar. The standard niceties of no racism, no homophobia, etc. But generally speaking, I was like, oh, let me buy this ring. Because girls love rings. Let me buy this motorcycle. I didn't even like riding a motorcycle. I used to have a motorcycle.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Dude, what people don't tell you about motorcycles is that it sucks to ride a motorcycle. You're literally in the middle of the street. Exhaust fumes in your face. People spitting on you. People pissing on the motorcycle if you're not using it. Every guy being like, what a loser on a motorcycle. And the worst part is girls don't like motorcycles.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I don't know when this was made up, this fictional kind of motorcycle guy thing. I remember one time I parked on Bedford Avenue on my motorcycle, and I fucking was wearing my cool leather jacket, had my helmet on the seat, and I just started eating an apple. And I was like, this looks cool. Like, I should stand next to my motorcycle.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
The problem was no one looked at me at all. I was invisible. I may as well have been wearing an invisibility cloak. Wow. But I was trying so hard to attract women. Anyways, until now, you get a girl that likes you. You're married. I'm married. And that's when, essentially, you turn into a toddler. That's when you get the pot belly, the penis spanks. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
You kind of don't care what you look like anymore. No more shaving of the pubes. Yeah, I know, right?
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I believe they call it letting yourself go.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Oh, that's cool. I think that's how they like it.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
No, no, no, no. I was doing it like... It was for science. Yeah, it was just so cool that you make two worms.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Yeah, I mean, I've always been like a... I really haven't... At one point, my anger issues went away. They really did. And they did morph into more of a frustration or sadness, but they weren't like... They never materialized externally. I've always been like, I'll be let down or I'll be sad. But I grew out of the anger phase. I still get mad, but not as much. But...
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
When it came to the kid, I guess I'm probably even more soft now. I really am just a big old softie, but I've always kind of been a big old softie. That's great.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Yeah, of course. I mean, worms are disgusting. I haven't seen a worm in a long time. Like when's the last time you saw a worm?
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
i don't know i don't know how to explain it it's kind of just like uh i'm the same but i just now i'm like it is weird when i see the baby because i'm like oh you're literally my baby it's so weird you know um but i didn't have i don't think i had like a a grand i never had like a grand realization after she was born um And I think that's good. I honestly think that's good.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I think that that means, and I'm not trying to gloat or anything, but I feel like I did a lot of stuff to make me feel normal. And then when the baby came, I didn't need the baby because I noticed that sometimes men are like, oh, I'm a totally different guy. And I'm like, well, that means you were probably a piece of shit before you had a baby. It took a baby for you to become a good guy.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
And I think that sometimes, yeah, it's like some of the books I tried reading. They were so – like before when the baby was gestating, they were like from dude to dad. Like put down the IPA and pick up blah, blah, blah.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
And it was just like – I was like, oh, so I think a lot of guys are really dumb and like just not – they're not thinking about this in the right way. And the books that they're writing are already like – it's already kind of like it's infantilizing and it's toxic to be like, put down the beer and pick up the fucking slack.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I had to just raw dog it. I was just like, I'm going to go with my gut. So far, so good. A little bit of Reddit here and there, but mostly the gut. We have 10 minutes left, so I want to do this little segment of the show called Takes on Takes. So essentially, I want to get your take on other people's takes that have been on the show. But now you have to be me.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
So you will see how difficult my job is. Because as you know, you can only 100% agree or 100% disagree. That's the only two options that there are.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Yeah, there are no other. I mean, it's really an allegory for the world we live in where people can't. Black and white. Yeah, there's no gray area. So I'll read the take and you tell me if you 100% agree, 100% disagree, and then we'll talk about it for a little bit. So this one came from Paris, France. You shouldn't sleep in sexy clothes.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
That's why it's such a hard job. No, that's why it's such a hard job because I hear so many takes that are truly meaningless.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Great. Moving on. Therapists should not be hot.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I don't know if they have worms in California or not, but what you just said, a slug is kind of just like a landlord worm.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
No, I 100% disagree. Oh, my goodness. Really? See, I disagree with you. I agree. They should not be hot.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Yes. Whoever said this? Because therapists should not be hot.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
No, it's not. I think it is. No, no, people say hot is subjective, but there are people who are objectively hot. Sure. Okay, fine. But okay, check this out.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I can see that. I can see what you're saying because I think many people do fall in love with the therapist. It's a common problem.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
We all have one. I think that there's many people fall in love with a therapist.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
even the not hot ones yes but that's why they shouldn't be hot because it adds more motivation to to like for me it's like if i have especially a hot like like woman therapist personally you know i'm straight blah blah blah but if if i have a hot woman i'm gonna be i'm gonna try to impress her like i'm gonna be like oh like you know i made a lot of money this month
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
You got me right where you want me. You got me right where I want you. No, you got me right where you want me.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I still disagree with you. People who make you take your shoes off when you enter their home should not be allowed to entertain.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
No, but that's a snail. Oh, a slug is a houseless, it's an unhoused snail.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I could be friends with the person that gave this thing. It's a posh British lady who is wearing some fat-ass, chunky-ass boots on the show.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Yeah, of course. And she was like, if you have a party... and you make me take my shoes off, I'm not coming to the party. And you should be banished from having parties in general. And I was like, you're disgusting.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
When white people –
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I went to a party the other day and everyone was wearing shoes except for the host.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
In New York? Yes. Stepped on their toes? No, I joined the host because I'm a good guest. That's actually very decent of you. I was like, I'll join you in not wearing shoes in your home where obviously you gave people the option and the option that they chose was to wear their fucking shoes in your house and now you're the last man.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
And this guy was white and he's a white host wearing no shoes at the crib and everyone else was wearing shoes.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
He's a good man. He's a good man. All right. We need to abolish Wi-Fi on airplanes.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
It's unhoused. It's not negative. It just is the way it is. It just is the way it is. And the hierarchy of capitalism within insects, the snail is the landlord, the slug is the unhoused, and a worm is just literally a mole human living underground in a train station.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Remember that girl that, like, tweeted something insane, and then she, like, went on an airplane, and then when she landed, she had lost her job?
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Yeah, no, it was something really bad. It was something really bad. She said something about AIDS in Africa. I think she was like on her way to Africa. Oh, yeah. She was on her way to South Africa. And then she tweeted out. What did she tweet out? Oh, my God. She was on her way to South Africa. And she tweeted out going to Africa. Hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. I'm white.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
And then by the time she landed, she was fired. Good. All right. People who wear white sneakers do not fuck.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
That means you definitely don't fuck.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I swear. Someone who gets laid would not be so persuasive. Trust me, dude.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Listen to me. Dude, I just had sex yesterday, dude. I had sex today. I had it this morning, dude. I swear.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Now I believe you. Okay. Thanks. Now I believe you. Great. Okay.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
All right, dude, I believe you. Okay. Thanks. Uh, all right. That, that, that, that is all, uh, that is all from Abdullah Saeed. Saeed says you, I would do this for another hour. I'm sorry. I got to cut you off, Tim. I got to cut you off. You've had one too many takes. It's true. You've had one too many takes. This is what it does to you. Abdullah, where can people find you?
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
This is a call to action, people. Watch the fucking show. I watched it. It's fantastic. It's funny. It's great. It's campy in this weird way. And most importantly, it's entertaining, which is what matters. Thank you. Thank you. That is it. That is it. I'm not even going to mention the fact that it's brown people.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Because I probably have a lot of white listeners. You know, again, I got to sneak the veggies in the candy. Yeah. So I don't want them to know that it's a show filled with brown people because then they're going to think it's like a... It's a lecture. They're going to think it's like a lesson. They're going to think it's for browns, but it's for everyone. It's for everyone.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Anyways, guys, watch the show. I'm actually serious. It's fucking hilarious. And they're acting stellar. They're acting stellar. And I'm so glad it exists.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
thanks kareem all right now i'm gonna put you and now i have to put you in season two well i sent you i literally sent you a text and said put me in season two fuck yeah well dude now and now it's on the record man let me make sure you did you get the text i got the text i have the text now and i will send you this snippet what yeah yeah yeah send me this snippet bro if i'm not in it i'm sending this snippet
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
No, don't. Like an octopus? No, don't put them in the fucking oyster category. Worm. Yeah, why not?
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
All right, now I have to do it.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
This is me doing that. This is literally my... Your Subway take has 2.5 million views. Sager and Asif probably have at least a million each. So I've contributed almost 4 million views to the promotion. That's true. And this is a record of it. And then this podcast. I mean, if I'm not an executive producer on season two, I'm probably going to.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
put me up there next to jenny right next to jenny executive produced by jenny connor done done okay great this is a verbal contract yeah you heard it here first people you can take the rest of the day off i feel like you've done enough business for today you don't you don't understand dude i love deals i got it i i I have I'm not taking the rest of the day off. I have more deals to make.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I love deals. I literally love deals. This is the one thing about Donald Trump. Now I'm going to lose everyone now. But like, here's the thing. I did find it very funny one time that in an old interview with Trump, like in the 80s or something, he was like, some people play sports. Some people listen to music. I do deals. And I was like, oh, this motherfucker thinks of it as like a hobby.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Like this is what he does for fun.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I indulge in the oyster category all the time. Yeah, but worms are not in the oyster category. I don't think. Yeah, I guess so. In Thailand, they ate worms.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Now you're insulting me. Everyone knows I famously love making deals. Yeah? This was your thing before the Trump clip surfaced? I do like deals. I will say I do like deals. I think they're fun. This took a turn right at the end. Cut this part out. We were ending it on a high note when I became the creator of Deli Boys. And then you supported Trump. I didn't support Trump. I supported his deal.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Well, I support Trump very strongly. Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. All right. Yeah, no, no. Me too, man. Me too. Me too. If this guarantees that I'm in season three, then yes. I love him as well.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Hashtag signing off. Thank you, everyone, for listening.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Worms have eyes. Oh, I didn't know that. Worms have eyes. Worms have eyes. Well, enough about worms. I'm sorry to the audience. Enough about worms. Let's talk about your take. Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
One that is very popular, which is that men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender. So what's your take?
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
It's also, it's also just like, It's just you're such a smart guy that I was like, don't be dumb. Don't be dumb. Don't come on my show. Don't come on the show and be dumb, dude. That's a lot of the advice that I give to people when they come on the show. I have a lot of smart people that come on and try to say something smart. And I'm like, you should say something smart.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
But then I have a lot of dumb people that come on and try to say something smart. And I'm like, you should say something dumb.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
And then every once in a while, every once in a while, somebody serious will come on and they'll want to do something serious. I'm like, no, you should do something funny because I know that you're funny, but you're so serious. But I'm glad you did that one, the farting one. I mean, it has been done. It was done maybe episode 60 or 70.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Yeah, this guy, John Ryan, that I know. He's a friend of mine. Shout out, John Ryan. Same wavelength, bro. Maybe we should play that take.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
So what's your take? I think we should normalize farting really loud in public whenever you need to. 100% agree. If anything, it just gets a laugh from the people around you, and people love laughing. Like, it just makes you feel good. Well, everybody farts, but we act like they don't. Yeah, it's like we can sneeze, we can yawn, we can like... Burp?
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Burping is probably grosser than farting, actually. A burp is like a fart out of your mouth. Well, there's no filter. There's no pants. You don't have any mouth pants. Well, you have ass pants. You do! And so you can fart. It just kind of stays in there, and then you get to wash your underwear later. It's a filtered fart. It's a filtered fart, yeah.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
100% agree, yeah.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Here's what I like about it.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Everyone's holding in a fart. On this train, I bet 40 people have to fart. Just let it go. 20% of the time, they smell bad. 80% of the time, farts are silent. Or even they do smell bad, but you're like, whatever, it's New York City. You like them loud, though. When they're louder, they feel better. That's just true.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
But no, I've been doing this, I've been campaigning for this, and my way of doing it is I just fart whenever I need to. No, no you don't. When you fart in public, people are like, oh this guy doesn't give a . Like, we're not gonna with him. So you actually do this? Oh, just all the time. Yeah, CVS, Chipotle, those are the main two places. Has anyone ever shamed you for doing this? Um, uh, no.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
No, no, no. Not really. I mean, babies fart. Babies fart? Everybody. My dog farts. It's like when you're a baby, you have permission to fart. When you're old, you have permission to fart. But in the middle, you can't fart. Wow, that's great. That's genius. That's really good. Yeah. I just want middle-aged farting. I'm in. Yeah. Let's do it.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Yeah, so John Ryan said we got to just make it more socially acceptable, which I think I agree with that.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Like, you know, like a fart catcher, like a little bag that you just put your farts in. Right? I kind of fuck with that.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I think the thing with farts is that we all know that they happen, but they're impolite. They're not nice.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
They're impolite. They're not nice. Do we want them to be nice? I don't think we need them to be nice. No. We need them to be neutral. Yeah, they should fart in secret. I know people that go to the bathroom to fart. I kind of fuck with that. I think that's cool.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
No, no, we don't. We punch walls, punch doors, punch each other. Yeah, when we're sad or angry and we're like, ah! As a man, what is the worst emotion that you feel?
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
Oh, okay. So, yeah, it's a mind meld.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. You're crying right now. You're literally, you're so moved that you're bawling. To be called a great host of short-form, unscripted, vertical video content? Oh, I mean... That is a compliment. Hey, that was the peak of my career too. To be one of the best short form unscripted vertical video producers and hosts in the world.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
But you weren't vertical. You were a horizontal gang.
SubwayTakes
"Men are by far the more emotional and hysterical gender!!" with Abdullah Saeed
I believe so.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I would never do that. I did a friendship-making enterprise recently with someone who I won't name. And recently, like last week. And I sent a text that just said, hey, checking in, how are you?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
and they were like i'm good how are you and i was like i'm pretty good and i was like what have you been up to and then they sent me a voice note and we're like hey like what do you mean what have i been up to like what in what context like are you asking are you about to like they thought that i was going to ask them for like a favor Oh, okay.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And I sent a voice note back and I was like, no, no, no. I'm literally just trying to be friends.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
They liked it. They thought it was cool. And they sent me a voice note back being like, oh, this is what I'm up to. This is what I'm doing. And then I think at the end of it, they were like, Yeah, send a voice note back if you just want to keep voice noting.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I just don't know. I don't know how to do it. I just don't know how to do it. But one of my things that I want to do is I'm going to put myself out there more.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Like Justin Theroux, for example. I got Justin Theroux's number recently.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Do I just be like, hey, you want to take a walk? Maybe I'll do that.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Well, no, I'm just saying that he walks his dog all the time. So I was thinking maybe I'll just join him for a walk.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I could bring my dog. Wait, I don't have a dog.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I almost forgot. But if I were to get a dog, I think I would get a standard poodle.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
How was the chat? It was great. Her subway take was anything is a dating app, so we discussed dating quite a bit. We discussed my personal relationship with how I proposed to my wife recently. Yes, I did know that. Congrats.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Well, number one, I'm on a die right now. And number two, I feel like a poodle is not necessarily a dog that is not taking up space. I guess the build, the frame is skinny, but it has the hair. So it looks a little thick.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
no i don't even know sure is that is that the one with the pointy ears no that's a doberman which is what i said i would get but those are too sleek that's a walton goggins dog right then what's a rottweiler a rottweiler is like a fatter doberman with droopy ears okay but same style of dog like black with like a brown face right yeah no that makes sense your dog is not necessarily an andrew quoe
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
But it's not it's not it's not tall. It's not an Afghan hound.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Anyways, I'm going to let the people listen to this episode now.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
what the what the fudge is up subway takes heads gang members no don't you're not getting no this is not a gang this is just a group of friends listening to audio podcast i'm your host karim rahma i guess the host with the most maybe but i'm not sure this is a very strange intro but we have a very strange guest with us actually i don't know if she was considered strange
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
yeah I mean we talked about a lot of stuff since her subway take was about dating we talked about yik yak dating which is an app that no longer exists we talked about live journal and live journal dating in general we talked about one of my favorite dating apps which is grouper I don't know if you know about grouper the fish no grouper was a dating app where it would set you up on a blind date with someone and then you would bring two of your friends and the blind date would bring two of their friends and then they would tell you where to meet and they'd buy your first round of drinks
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Her subway take was that anything is a dating app. And I believe I 100% disagreed because everything is not a dating app. Real life is a dating app. There are dating apps that are dating apps, but not everything is a dating app. I'd like to welcome to this wonderful audio stage Willa Bennett, the current editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan Magazine. What's good, Willa?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I'm just relaxing. I just got back from Puerto Rico. Fun.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Puerto Rico. I was vacationing. nice yeah do you like how i say puerto rico i love it mr subway takes goes on vacation what happens no i usually don't go on vacation actually this is the first time in legitimately 10 years that i have been like that i left my hotel or that i left my phone in the hotel room wow Yeah, I'm usually a hustle and grind mindset type of guy.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I'm stuck here forever, which is... You know, that's a gift and a curse, right?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Because on one hand, I know where I'm meant to be.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And then on the other hand, I can never leave.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
It pays the damn bills. That's right. It does pay the damn bills and it pays them well.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I know. And it's, but here's the thing. I think if you grew up kind of poor, you never, ever, ever, ever get that out of your head. So I'm still cheap.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, my clothes, it's either free or it is vintage, honestly.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Or it's like J.Crew and Madewell, like very regular guy stuff.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I think J.Crew and Madewell is the most regular guy kind of thing. It's like guy plus.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
It's like you're like, I need to look pretty good, but I'm not going to spend $400 on a shirt.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Do you think Dickies, that's the entry-level niceness?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Well, I guess let's talk about your Subway take for a second. Dale, can we play the take? So what's your take?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Have you ever hooked up with or dated someone from a random place like that? From like a LinkedIn?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Then I don't think I agree with your take anymore. Actually, you know what? No, no. I don't 100% agree. If I'm on LinkedIn, I'm looking for a job, not a date. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Find me on Tinder. Find me on freaking Hinge. Find me on Raya. But certainly don't DM me on LinkedIn. When my profile says open for new work, that doesn't mean open for...
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, I don't think Partyful is a dating app.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
So chaos is what you're talking about. Yeah, it was incredible. I went on a grouper date with Blake Benzman and Abizar once. I brought them as my plus ones. And we ended up on a date with three substitute teachers from Staten Island. Holy shit, that sounds like the start of a movie. And I ended up with someone's sucking face.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
As far as it's going to go is Instagram. Instagram is a dating app, but nothing else is a dating app. Email is not a dating app. LinkedIn is not a dating app. Partyful is not a dating app.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
So you think that all of those tens on Instagram, they're getting thousands of DMs a day?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Wow. Yeah. No, I don't I don't know, man. I'm still in disagreement. But I did want to talk to you. You just mentioned eBay. Is eBay a dating app?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah. Takes on takes. This is a different that's a different section of the show. But this is your take on the take. Yes, you can. It's a different take on take.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
well that's because i make a lot of friends on the internet on the net and i and i think dating and friendship is pretty similar right like totally it's it's practically the same thing dating and friendship practically totally no i don't know about that but yes but i i just i remember there was a you know yeah like dating apps are nice because you can just go it's like buying a used car
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
When you're buying a used car, you're like, okay, I want to search within one mile, and I want the car to be red, and I want it to be big, and I want it to be new. You pick the year. There's a range and a radius, and that's kind of like dating. You go, cool, I want this person. I like all religions. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
If you're a white guy in Silicon Valley, you type in the Asian box and you say, I only want Asian women. And if you don't have a car and you only have a scooter because you live... Let's be a San Francisco guy. All right. So San Francisco tech entrepreneur goes to buy a car.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Okay, he types in radius 100 miles because he's willing to travel and he types in electric only and he types in white and black because those are the colors that he likes and there's a price range and a mileage and a year and all that stuff. Same guy goes to date and he does the same thing with humans.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I can't remember if it was Blake or Abizar, but somebody was making out on the roof.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I don't know. I don't. And I also, if memory serves, there was a swap. Oh. Like it started with like Abizar with one girl, me with one girl, and Blake with one girl. And I think by the end, the two maker outers were not linked in the beginning.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
well subway texas is dating out for sure how many dms did you get after your take i'm sure there were literally literal thousands it was crazy i was like actually like for a second kind of scared because i was like oh i didn't there was too many i told you i warned you i said this is your dms are gonna be go crazy it was weird not it wasn't cute as i'll say it really didn't have a meet cute in there
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I think that... Did anyone approach you on the street and say, oh, I saw your Subway take? Okay, that's good, because that happens sometimes to people after they've been on the show.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
At least people are putting in the work. Ladies and gentlemen, what's up? This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I'm sure many of you are familiar with Squarespace, but if you're not, it is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Now, I've had a lot of ideas, which means that I've had a lot of Squarespace websites.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And let me tell you, it is worth it. One of the most annoying things about starting a website is acquiring the domain, but Squarespace makes that easy with no hidden fees or add-ons required. And in this day and age, you gotta be SEO optimized because there are literally so many people doing so many things online. I'm sure there's another guy out there selling vintage trucker hats.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
So you gotta make sure that your SEO is on point. So give it a whirl and head to squarespace.com slash subway takes for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code subway takes to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Oh, Grouper was so sick. Dude, this was a sick app. And it was like, I was like 25, 26, just moved to New York. This app called Grouper is you would sign up or like a person would sign up. And so let's say I signed up and let's say you signed up, right? And we were both like straight and we were like, I'm looking for women and you're looking for men, whatever.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
You just put in like your little preferences. And then... grouper would match kareem and willa and it would say you each bring two friends with you on the date and they would make the restaurant reservation and they would pay for the first round of drinks which is so sick
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
and they would just like the day of the date i think it was like five hours before the date they would send you like a text that says like hey your groupers ready like kareem and willa are meeting at balthazar and they're bringing blake and abizar i'm thinking about a date that i actually did like with a friend named blake and abizar uh but there so it was really fun because you could go on you essentially would go on a triple date that's what it was it was a triple blind date um and they paid for the first round
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
But this app was sick because I would sign up. I would be the only one to sign up. And the girl would be the only one to sign up. And they'd just be like, who are you bringing? And I'd just be like, Blake and Abizar. And then the girl would be like, Rebecca and fucking Rachel. And then we'd all show up.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And I did it once with my friend Blake and my friend Abizar. And unfortunately, they set us up with someone that I probably would, like some people that I wouldn't date in normal life. But we had a great night. It was like three substitute teachers from Staten Island.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah. One of us made out on the roof of my apartment.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, it wasn't me. I don't remember who it was, but I looked over and I saw someone's sucking face.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
There was also another one. These are all the early days. I love these apps because I just moved here and I was on Tinder. I was on everything. And Hinge and all of the apps. And I remember there was one where you would walk past someone and it would alert you. What? Yeah, there was a proximity app. That might have been Hinge, like old, early Hinge. And it would be like...
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
what's up listeners it's your boy kareem rahma i have a very special little mini episode of subway takes the podcast in front of the regular episode of subway takes the podcast with will bennett i'm joined today by my good friend and producer of subway takes and co-founder of subway takes and just all around great guy uh andrew quo andrew quo how the hell are you
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Oh, man, I don't remember. It was doing the mutual friends thing, and then it would also alert you if someone was around, which I feel like is not a good idea anymore.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, what the hell? No, that was like the secret group chats or something.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
because they'd send a text like three or five hours before the date and say like, meet at Hotel Chantel at 8 p.m. First round is on grouper. And it was sick. It was really fun. Anyways, we talked about that. We talked about Willa being the youngest editor-in-chief ever of Cosmo. We talked about waste of time relationships, which is one of my favorite kind of relationships.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
It was so... I mean, it is a sick premise. Like you just log on the internet and there's just another person.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, they're in there. Don't worry. They're like in a screen. That's not a real person.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Were you emo kind of? You seem like an emo kind of.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Like an emo kind of. Like a little, just a pinch.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Like My Chemical Romance emo or Avril Lavigne emo?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Well, my subway take on this is that it's not possible to be a sadder version of Kazzy David because the sadder version of Kazzy David is Kazzy David. so true she's the set she's but she's she's quite funny and she got fucking absolutely destroyed in her subway take i don't know if you followed along on the drama no what was her take oh yeah it was
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And people were like, yeah, coming from a fucking dumb bitch who doesn't need to sleep because she's never worked a day in her life. And then the other half of people were like, yeah, exactly. Look at her fucking bags under her eyes. She's so tired. And it was just she was getting it from both sides. Like some people were like, you're a nipple baby.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
You don't need to take naps because you have never worked a day in your life. And other people were like, you have bags under your eyes because you don't nap. And I felt awful. But I warned her. I warned her that this would happen. And she didn't believe me. And I was like, all right.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
It's where you're just together to waste some time, kill some time in between other relationships. You ever been in one of those relationships?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Oh yeah, if it's someone that I'm like you because I'm very sensitive, which is why I don't really read the comments like I check in for about the first 10 minutes and I'm like can usually gauge if it's going to be a good experience for me or a really awful experience for me.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And so I just like I check in and I was like, oh, this is not going to be good for Cassie and I and I yeah, she hit me up and she was like, holy shit. And I was like, I told you I told you man.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
but we laughed about it she took it like a champ she laughed about it and she thought it was really funny because she had some other options for takes and I was like you might be safer doing those other ones and you know she didn't she's very funny I like her a lot I really like her she's so funny and whenever someone tells me lookalike I'm like honestly like honored you're honored to be there
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
She is very cool and very sweet and very nice. And she should come on this podcast to defend her take. Because as we all know, there's more to say.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Like, that would be a really good... That's interesting. What were your other ones? I forgot. Do you remember them?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, because I think going into it with the intention of I'm not really dating anyone else right now, it's almost like a summer fling.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Were you trying to be funny? Do you think that Subway Text needs to be funny to be good?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
My advice is always, what do you feel most passionate about? What are you going to defend? What are you going to stand on business 10 toes down? So you are the new editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, an iconic legacy media institution?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
How does that feel? Are you the youngest editor-in-chief ever of Cosmopolitan?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah, right on the best streaming service. It's two people knowing that their relationship is not going to work out, but for the time being, it's a great way to kill some time together. Right, right, right. Because sometimes you're just lonely and don't want to be alone personally, at least, you know.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
What do you want to say? Oh, I have to say something?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Do people pitch you to be on the cover, or do you pitch them to be on the cover?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Karim Rahman, why now? Everyone's like, ooh, what is the je ne sais quoi?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I think love is awesome. I love love. He loves love. I actually, you know how much I love love? I proposed to my girlfriend wife this weekend.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Well, so we have a child together already. The child is 15. Oh, did she say yes? Oh, yeah, she said yes. She had no choice. She had no choice but to say yes.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And we talked about how to decline a marriage proposal.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
What is she going to say now? Who says no? Yeah, lots of people say no. No, they don't. No one says no.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, all of the no's are just viral video, like they're viral video pranks.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
People, here's what they do. They say yes and then they break it off.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah. No one ever says no. Like, will you marry me? We're in Puerto Rico. Will you marry me? No, I won't. Oh, okay. Well, then we should just break up right now because obviously this is going nowhere. So what happens is people say yes, and then they go about for like three to four to five to six months. And then inevitably, the woman always breaks off the engagement.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I think that you always say yes. Oh. I don't think anyone ever says, no, I will not marry you. I think everyone always says yes, and then they break off the engagement like a week later or a month later or right before the wedding.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, that's great. I mean, I usually just get a regular therapist to help me with that.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I need validation. And therapists, you can just pay them to validate every feeling you have. It's the greatest hack of all time.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
know they do whatever you tell them to do therapists are easily manipulated i'm serious they're not even good at their jobs no i'm not every time i go to a therapist and i go i feel sad you know maybe my relationship's a little bent out of shape and they go what do you want to do and i go i don't know maybe i should break up and then they go yeah you should and i go great and then i go how do i do that and then they go uh maybe you should just say it and i go okay sounds good
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And then the next week they say, so did you say it? And I go, no, I didn't. And then they're like, well, if she's not making you happy, then you should probably do it sooner rather than later. And I go, yeah, you're right. I should. And then, yeah. And you know what? That's a great grift. I mean, there should be a breakup therapist. Great grift.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah, but like conscious uncoupling. It's two people wanting to break up, right?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Okay, Dr. Bennett. Hey, Dr. Bennett, I have a pitch for Cosmo US.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
The article's called She Said No? And it's about girls, women, who have said no and have continued their relationships with the man that they said no to.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And then you have to talk to the guy and be like, how does it make you feel that she said no? And their families and their friends. And everyone's like, oh, yeah, I guess it's totally them. It's totally a them move. They're so like that.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah, I think one of the best relationships one can have is the waste of time relationship.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Oh, it's when you get into a relationship to waste time together. You're just like two people and you both don't have a ton going on. So you both throw yourselves into a really intense romantic relationship for like, it could go as long as a year, I think.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
to just pass the time it's like when you take a job when you take a job that you're like i don't know if i'm gonna be at the job for a long time but it's something to do i've done relationships like that with a person but i have wait the thing that i keep seeing a lot on tiktok right now is like the three month rule do you know that no is that when you gotta you gotta shit or get off the pot as they say
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
It means you have to pull the ejecting button like three months because that's when you define the relationship, DTR.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
That makes sense. Yeah, and in improv, you know, you always want a yes and.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
That's when you DTR define the relationship.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
communication is just key like as long as you're like talking about it or not talking about it like as long as you're both on the same page like there's no right way to do it you have to do that i think communication is key as well yeah you know in fact with my current fiance uh my fiance which i think is it fiance for both man and woman like it's it's fiance for both it's interchangeable i think it is right i actually skipped right to wife i've been calling her my wife since we had the baby really oh
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
yeah because think about it i don't know i just think it sounds cooler to say my wife my wife yeah but we uh so i strung her along for i wouldn't call it stringing along but i we had an undefined relationship for a full year wow and it was a real relationship
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, we were like dating and then we weren't and then we were just friends and then we were accidentally sleeping together again and then it was this and then it was that. And it was really bad. Not bad like toxic, but bad like...
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
The classic building blocks of Upright Citizens Brigade.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
i was resisting i was like really digging my heels in even though i really knew i loved her but i was like not ready to enter up like a good man like i didn't i wasn't ready to like be a good good like a good boyfriend you know what i mean so i was like like i just asked for more time but inevitably the amount of time i wanted was always way too much time But finally, she got me. She got me.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
It was early. It was like literally a month in. I was like, this is going to be a really big problem.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I was like, this is going to be a big problem. It's going to be a grand romance. And it's going to either end in massive heartbreak all around or it's going to end in marriage.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I love that term. Well, it was too intense. Everyone was too intense. I was too intense. She was too intense. And then just one day I had an epiphany where I was like, you know, I've had enough. I've had enough. But the context of this is I was married before that and I had just gotten divorced. And I met her like a year after my divorce.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Oh, speaking of books, I read and completed my first book in probably five years.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
So I just wasn't ready to reenter into the negotiation period.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, I know. It is tough on the person who is waiting. Yeah. But sometimes it's worth it because now we have a baby and we live together and we're getting married. And it took a year of dating. Also, Dale just dropped in the chat that masculine fiancé is fiancé with one E and feminine fiancé is fiancé with two E's.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah. How many engagements have you broken off?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I think you have to at least have one. I think you need a divorce or a broken engagement. Everyone needs at least one.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
But there were pictures. There were pictures in the book.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
My dad was really old and my mom was really young. And he was a liar. He was a liar, which is really bad. I think these days he would have been canceled. Wow. Because he said that he was 30, but he was actually 40.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, no. He actually said he was 35, but he was actually 45. And my mom was 25.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
So my dad was 20 years older than my mom. And she didn't find out until like a full year after they were married.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I mean, it's literally, I was like, I can't believe it. And by that point, I had already been born. So she was like, fuck me. What am I going to do? I just got to be with this guy now. And she just stayed with him.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I'm with you on that one. I think that you should show your true colors, even if they're disgusting.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Super. I would highly recommend it to anyone who's listening to this podcast. Uh, even if you're not a fan of Keith McNally, but he's a great writer, has a great voice. And honestly, it's a very inspiring, you know what it made me want to do the whole, like, I was just like, fuck, I need to build like a Balthazar of my own.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
There's no, there's no use in duping anyone.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Have you always, have you always been the source of, uh, people confiding in you regarding their dating lives?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Or is this a new, new, it comes with a title.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
That's fun. Can I sit on one? No, I want, why? Why won't you let me into the editorial meeting?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Whatever you want. I would be happy. I would be happy to join. No, I want to come and I just want to observe, like in class.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
That's great. I like the way you run your newsroom.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, no. It made me want to build my own Balthazar.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, that's fire. And I believe the saying is actually, phone eats first.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
It's phone eats first. That's sick. I would have fucking banged that guy that night.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I was like... Well, you can't just leave. I got another confession to make. No, seriously, I have a confession about adulthood. I think that the hardest part about adulthood is cooking and eating. It is so hard for me. I'm a busy guy, but I think I found a solution. Factor.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
eating well has never been this easy you just heat up and enjoy giving you more time to do what you want to do for me that means podcasting it means riding the train it means spending time with my kid and bro there are over 45 weekly menu options you can pick from It's amazing.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Factor powers your day with satisfying breakfasts, on-the-go lunches, premium dinners, and guilt-free snacks and desserts. So get started at factormeals.com slash subway takes 50 off and use subway takes 50 off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's subway takes 50 off at factormeals.com slash subway takes for 50% off plus free shipping. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Like, what is a grand... I want a grand opus.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Look, the older I get, the more important I think it is to maintain my mental health. The good news is mental health awareness is growing, but there's still progress to be made. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent survey say that they've avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
grand opus yeah that's um i like that ambition um what just in in restaurant touring or just generally speaking in life i don't know you kind of want it like i feel like you know on the internet subway takes has changed new york city culture i really do you know people sit at dinner and they say like you know i've overheard people talking about their subway takes people have told me they've overheard people talking about their subway takes i've seen people watching subway takes on the train so it's like it's certainly a part of the zeitgeist it's as important as balthazar
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
But nobody should feel judged or embarrassed for starting therapy because it's really helpful. It has helped me learn positive coping skills for how to deal with stress and time management and empowers me to be the best version of myself. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, and serving over 5 million people worldwide. We're all better with help.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Visit betterhelp.com slash subway takes to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash subway takes.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah, yeah. And also you have to have the one-hour limit. I like a day date. I like either a lunch date or an early afternoon date. Like a drink before you go to dinner with your friends. Because then there's always the out. Yes.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Oh, God. It was happening to me constantly.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah. They get mad. Sometimes they used to get mad.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
If I was not interested, they'd be like, well, you're not going to take me home? I'd be like, no.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
don't bully me like yeah you're disgusting no like i'm like i think you might i think you might be the nicest guest i've ever had on the show really yeah you're so respectful and nice i i you would never call someone disgusting just because they said phone eats first i would i would call someone disgusting for that
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I think it's cool to say phone eats first.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
It needs to be really rare. Because sometimes you do hit it off with someone as a friend and you go, I really like you as a friend. And it's actually serious and sincere. And if the other person is adult enough and responsible enough, they can take that on the chin and be like, you know what? I think you're right. And then there's no hard feelings. But rare. I'd say like one out of a hundred.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
But I think the basis of a great relationship is friendship. A great romantic relationship. definitely you know like i wouldn't your ex-wife what's that have you ever do you reach out to your ex-wife no way yeah same we're not i mean we're not but we were never friends which is why our relationship failed interesting i think
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I have to check my NDA. I have to check my NDA, my divorce agreement, to see if I'm allowed to NDA her. She's awesome. I loved her very much.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I don't think I have an NDA, but I should check. I should ask my divorce lawyer, who actually was a referral from probably a mutual friend of ours. I'm serious. My divorce lawyer was a referral from another person who works in the media biz. And I was like, oh, I'm about to get a divorce. And she was like, oh my God, I just got one. Do you want my lawyer? I was like, great, yes.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And then I was like, I didn't do any interviewing. I was just like, sure, whatever. This works. But that's kind of how I do everything.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
But I think you just want to go a little bit bigger, maybe physical. I don't know.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah, why not? I mean, they can't be that different. It's just a bunch of papers. Okay, so I want to do takes on takes.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
So takes on takes is when you get to be me. And I'll read a take and then you either 100% agree or 100% disagree. Okay.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
what's your take no oh okay okay okay cool so i get to be the other people yeah yeah do it okay so what's your take everybody can cook 100 disagree 100 agree with your 100 disagree that just happened with a chef chef jose andres who's sick and legendary but his that not everybody can cook
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I think the hardest part for me is patience.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Like, oh, we're going to sit here in the kitchen and just fucking make a spaghetti limon.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And then also the ingredient gathering. Like, no one has limon. So you have to go to the store and buy limon.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Exactly. And just go to Little Frankie's and get the spaghetti. But you know what's happened is ever since I had a baby, I've been like, should I become the cook in the house? There's something sexy about that. Like my kid being like, I'm like, oh, I made you pad thai. Think about how sick that is.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah, I think it's sick. Honestly, today I've been thinking about, do I stop at the store and pick up ingredients to make legitimately Thai food?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
but like i don't want to cook i don't want to cook like grilled chicken and asparagus i want to cook like literally like what what chicken florentine i'm just making up words right now whatever chicken florentine is or like beef uh you know snafu sounds fun like i want to cook something like unique yeah yeah like green curry i love a green curry um i know but you probably ordered at the restaurant yeah same okay next take ready yeah all right what's so what's your take
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
The men who tell women that they should smile more because they are prettier are correct.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, this girl who said it, her name is Tien. She shoots Subway takes and she wanted to do a take and I let her do a take and that was her take. And again, I warned her. I was like, I don't know, man. This is... This is above my pay grade, but you're a woman. You should say the sake. And she explained it really well. And the comments were like, look, her sentiment is correct.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And she's pretty much saying that it is facts that no matter who tells... That when you're smiling, you are more beautiful and joyful. She was like, that's a fact. And she's like, but so the men... By what standards?
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I don't know. Look, man. You just watch this.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
She was like, everyone's more beautiful when they smile. But she didn't agree with the sentiment. And she was like, yes, the men are wrong because it's coming from a disgusting place in their hearts. And they should never tell a woman to do. But the words are true.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
But what about the context for the story?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
yeah i mean i kind of like it yeah but you're you're like a dude yeah i kind of like it until somebody says something mean about me and then i get sad yeah i just again like i think there's some stuff like you just like it's private like it's personal you don't know i don't know all right next one so what's your take the first place you should you wash in the shower says everything about you
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
But for those that don't know, Andrew Kuo and I have been business partners and creative partners for quite some time. It's Andrew Kuo, not the artist who you've probably seen on the internet. This is a different Andrew Kuo who, former lawyer, former banker, former Manhattanite. No, I'm still a Manhattan guy.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
But do you have a methodology in the shower? Or do you freestyle it?
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Every time. It's always different. You don't start top down, bottom up. No? Okay. Well, it sounds like you're a really creative person since you shower three times a day and you don't stick to one regimen.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, I'm just saying I wash my chest first and then I wash my arms and then I wash my armpits first. I don't wash my legs and we don't have to discuss our private parts on this.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Oh, wow. All right. Refuted. Refuted. Bang, bang, bang. All right. Last one. If someone wants to become a DJ, they have to earn a degree.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I love the internet. I really do. When I was young, I had no other hobbies.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
What are The Chemicals Between Us? I was really emo as well.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
You know, it's a special alchemy of love, respect, inquisitiveness, imagination, vibes.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I think that everyone should do what they desire to do. And if their heart desires them to work, that's what they should do. I mean, I oftentimes, and as a man, I know that, you know, it's like, oh, you know, it's not really, it's not really like, it's not debated. Like, usually men are allowed to work or choose work, right? Like, it's not like a conversation that needs to be had.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I don't even know where I was going with this.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
But I feel like I always have to, like, I love work. I say it all the time.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I think some people don't love work. And they could be men or women.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Really? Wait, I didn't know about this tea.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I mean, I think the book is fantastic, especially for people who are workaholics.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I found it to be very inspiring. I read it in Puerto Rico, and it was the... Before or after the engagement?
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Before. I finished it before. Nice. I finished it in three days, and then I proposed on the fourth day.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
nice yeah but it was it was a book i was like oh this is nice a guy who likes working and also failing and also being in like tumultuous relationships and dealing with some adversity when he had the stroke and i was just like this is just an inspiring nice book to read okay i'll read it and report back i'm gonna go stand in line on saturday and get assigned really i'm a stan sadly oh are you having a bachelor is your wife having a bachelorette
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I'm encouraging her to have a bachelorette.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Well, she's a writer. Can I send you some stuff?
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I'm going to send you some of her stuff. She just started, actually, but she's really good. She's actually a great writer.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I'm supporting her. Yeah, I'll tell her to pitch you.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
She usually writes about motherhood and womanhood.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Okay. Are you going to give me a promo code?
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Queen. Come on. Actually, I'm going to call you King. King is a non-binary term. King.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Oh, 15 a year on locks at all? That's not a bad deal.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Well, you're not the one sending out the hats, are you?
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
That would be so sick. Wait, I'm actually doing it right now. Cosmopolitan All Access membership.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Well, I'm literally, I'm not going to end this podcast until I'm done.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
You're not in it, though. I'm sorry. You're not in it. You're Walton Goggins. You live upstate. Walton Goggins lives upstate. You live upstate. You guys are both Hudson Valley guys.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I think it's great. I used to read it when I was a kid.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I also used to watch Sex and the City. This is how, this was my research.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
That's a hack. That's a life hack. If you want to get girls, you have to read Cosmo and you have to watch Sex and the City.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I mean, I think many people think that this is a one-man show, the one-man operation.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yes, of course. I think I can put this on my business card. Look.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I should not have said that Dale we have to bleep that out okay so billing address same as shipping address place order I put it on my business Amex because this is a business deal technically and your order is being processed if you're not automatically redirected refresh this page well you are you have done your job and I am the proud owner of a Cosmo subscription
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Okay. And you make sure that my hat is like navy blue if that's possible.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Okay. Thank you. You can give that to her. I'm too thick for a crop top. I know you're going to say no one's too thick for a crop top. All bodies are great. But guess what? I'm not comfortable wearing a crop top.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Well, listen, when I saw the damn price at $15 a year, how could I not? $15 a year is $1 a day, practically.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
You guys are practically giving it away. If I was you, I'd boost those prices a little bit.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Cosmos for the streets. All right, Willa, where can people find you?
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And follow Cosmopolitan on the internet as well. You guys know where to find that, people.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Well, thank you for coming on the show. You've been awesome. I hope you have a wonderful day.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Thank you. And I'm sure people will DM you after this episode.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I mean, he has such riz. He has incredible riz. Right? He's riz'd the fuck up. He's riz'd beyond belief.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I became familiar with Walton Goggins. Actually, I guess I'm a late head. I've seen him. He's been in so many things. He's always been there, and he's one of those guys that's like, oh, that's that guy, right? He's like one of those kinds of guys to me. There's a lot of those guys. And it wasn't until I think his mainstream popularity, which is that of the White Lotus, is when I really –
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And then the press tour. I mean, the press tour around that was brilliant. They made him a star. Late bloomer, but he's a damn star now.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
C'est la vie, but he is a star now. He's a late bloomer, right? Like, he's always been an actor, but I don't think anyone was like, oh, I love Walton Goggins.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah. But no, I don't think his body is that interesting to me. His body looks like many other men's bodies. I mean, his riz, I think, is based on the fact that he is what one would traditionally call an ugly person. And he's not necessarily commercially attractive. He definitely has a five head.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
uh this is a compliment by the way he has a five head not a forehead and his hairline is crazy and his hair is crazy and his teeth are crazy i mean man's looks he looks crazy yeah he looks ai generated a little bit he looks ai generated and disheveled and homeless
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Yeah, but I always tell people the secret to my success is that I work with a lot of people. Collaborator. I'm a collaborator.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
For those that don't know, that's Architectural Digest.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I mean, his house was kind of tight, though. How proud of you? How proud were you of seeing the Hudson Valley in such a wonderful, distinct light, being an upstate guy yourself? Yeah.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
His house was kind of interesting. Yeah. So I met him and his wife. By the way, all of these things I'm saying about Walton Goggins are compliments. I think that he's a great guy, and he's really funny, and he was really nice to me. And we hung out for a little bit, and his wife started talking to me. And he told me that he has spent 30 years in Los Angeles.
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
And then they just decided to move to New York and decided to make their residence Hudson Valley. And so they don't own or rent an apartment in New York City. He lives, he's like you, he lives upstate.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I ran into him at the Cultured 100 event.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
which his photo shoot did numbers for them because he did that you know he did the banana there's like a photo of oh it was a yellow bikini yellow speedo yeah and that's what I'm talking about the man's never wearing a shirt he's never wearing a shirt I think you know he's so he was so happy like I was like oh he's really just a happy guy and I get the impression that he's like game for whatever
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
But I think they're fake. I think I read that he got hit with a baseball or something in the face a long time ago when he was a kid. I think he's had those teeth for a long time.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I don't know if they keep changing the sizes, but he would play a great Joker.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
He has the body type. If he lost like 20 pounds, he would be real sickly looking. And then they don't have to do much to his face.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I'm not obsessed with his body. You're obsessed with his body.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Well, I'm excited. We just recorded with Willa Bennett, who is the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan Magazine.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
No, but his wife invited me upstate. No, he invited me upstate. But I don't know how serious he was.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
Well, that's one thing that I have found really hard is that I meet so many cool people, stars, and I don't know how to convert it into a friendship.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
How do you convert, you know, like Jose Andres, for example, was on the show. Yeah. And I have been a big fan of his for a long time. But I only get 7 to 10 minutes, 15 minutes with the guy. And there's also a bunch of other people around. So we don't really establish a very kinetic relationship. And I don't know how to become friends.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
I have a hard time learning how to... I don't know how to become friends.
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“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
yes and uh i actually purchased a subscription to cosmopolitan while we were podcasting oh shit okay right on probably the first time that's ever happened which is cool it's unique yeah yeah that you've yeah you bought something live no no i bought a subscription to the magazine that she works for
SubwayTakes
“Anything is a dating app!” with Willa Bennett
What did you do there? Well, that one was just natural because I don't have enough old people in my life, so I gravitated towards him. right i guess and he's a he's a he's an you know he's a he's not as busy i don't think as like walton goggins
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
One, two, three, whiskey. Do you have any?
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
100% agree. Oh, is this my stop? Oh, this is my stop. I gotta go. Thank you so much. It was great to meet you.
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
You honestly look great today. Like, well-rested. Wow. I love when you wear a backwards hat.
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Oh, no. I hate the skin. Obviously, you don't have a chemical reaction to the air outside. It's probably the sun. You were on vacation.
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And they don't have facial moisturizer and Turks and Gagos?
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
You know, what's really interesting is I've known your name since I was seven years old. I'm 38. So I've known your name for 37 years, which is fascinating to me because your work is so profound and inspiring and impactful. But I think it's a testament to how well you've done for the world and the environment that as a little boy, I knew your name.
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
No, I think you're right. Here's the thing. If it's for your hair, I'm comfortable putting it on my skin. Like I have washed my body with shampoo.
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
No, no. I've like literally washed my body. Like if there's no soap, I mean, I think it's acceptable to wash your body with the same thing that you wash your hair with because same kind of philosophy that you have. I know that your hair or your face is a part of your body, but I think it's more acceptable. But I would never, if it says body lotion, I'm not putting it on my face. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And I think it's because it's more oily. Yeah. And then you get zits.
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I have a very simple routine. It's a man's routine. I only use moisturizer. So like in the morning, I only wash my face with water. I have very neutral skin, meaning that it's not dry and it's also not oily. It's kind of perfect. And that's what the guy at Aesop told me. So I use a moisturizer, honestly brand agnostic, whatever's available at Costco. Two furs. They got two furs out there. Nice.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Um, so whatever's available or a duty free on my way out. Sometimes if I'm coming back from a nice locale, such as Paris, like I bought moisturizer in Paris at the airport.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
No, I know. But there's something about buying it in Paris. Well, the reason I bought it is because I was in a pinch. I like to put moisturizer on in the plane, too, on my face before I enter the plane because it's so dry. These are little hacks. But honestly, the only thing I do for my face is keep it moisturized. And then I also apply an SPF, a very light SPF product.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Like for me, it's all about protecting the moneymaker. Like I wasn't doing these things five years ago.
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Why do you think the nuts help make money? Because you have to have high tea?
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Well, I think tea is developed in the nut sack.
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Wait, I'm curious to understand why you think that the balls are so important. I really don't think that they're that important.
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
probably have low tea you might want to check that out you know so this is more of a tea take and less of a nut sack take but i guess it's connected because the tea comes from the nuts yeah the tea definitely comes from the nuts man i would agree with that i think i think people who have like i don't know where my tea level's at but i think i think it fluctuates i think sometimes i have high tea and some days i have a low tea and when i have high tea i'm pretty great it's like being on coke
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
That's why they really call it, they call it Coke dick. So that's why it's low-T. Also, they changed the recipe, the cocaine recipe, and now it makes people sleepy or dead. Yeah, it makes me really sleepy. That's what I'm saying. It makes me really sleepy. I don't like – it's not fun. You just – I've literally – I don't want to talk about this. I'm a father. I don't want to talk about this.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I'm not talking about this anymore. Yeah, let's not talk about it. We shouldn't talk about this. So you have dry skin on your face. I did notice that your sunglasses yesterday at the big shoot that we did, at the big A-list celebrity shoot that people will see. Actually, they've already seen a photo with Cate Blanchett. And that episode will probably be out.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
You had sand on your sunglasses and I was a little embarrassed for you, not because it's like sloppy or dirty, but because it's kind of a Casey Neistat move.
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
interesting probably thanks to national geographic probably thanks to national geographic i saw a lot of pictures of you with with chimpanzees yeah and you look pretty good Looked pretty good. I was smitten. I was smitten back then.
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I think he does. That's so... I mean, I don't want to badmouth the guy, but that glasses thing is super loser core. I know. I obviously wear sunglasses all the time. I think that wearing sunglasses is cool. And I'm self-conscious about how often I wear them, but I think it's cool. I think it's cool to wear sunglasses. But to damage any of your goods intentionally to make them look worn in...
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
It's kind of a loser move, especially when it's randomly just white out on the sunglasses. Like, what?
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I don't think you need to. I think sunglasses look good when they're fresh. Like, I think I understand someone wanting to de-stress their motorcycle jacket or their boots or like a fucking even a hat. You know, I like when my hat.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
is sun faded so i will intentionally if i get a new baseball cap i will wear it often like i'll wear it for like two weeks straight i'll leave it outside i make sure i wear it to the ocean make it wet put it out again like i'll make it wet six times i'll try to fade it as quickly as possible but something with the sunglasses is gross and weird
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
No, no, no. I don't intentionally keep it crisp, but I do think that the leather jacket, like I have a couple that are like vintage and they're just, you know, they're damaged. Right. Can you hear my baby crying? I'm just curious.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Oh, amazing. Or Sufi. Great. Or Sufi. No, it's day two of the nanny. Oh, nice. So there's bound to be some growing pains. No, the leather jacket thing, I think, again, it's one of those things where it depends on the vibe. I have at least four leather jackets. Wow. One of them seems really broken in because it is because it's vintage.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Another one is slightly broken in because it is because it's also vintage. And then my new leather jacket, the newest of the bunch, is crispy simply because it's brand new. Like, what am I going to do? Run it over with my fucking car?
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I also think I think that look is like very diesel.
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I think it's having, I think it will have a comeback. I think Diesel and all of those, like a structure that doesn't exist anymore. No, it doesn't. Express, I don't think that exists anymore.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I was an Anichi kind of guy. You know, Anichi is N-Y-C. Did you know that? I knew that, yeah. Because it's spelled E-N-Y-C-E, Anichi.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I used to wear Sean John, but go ahead. If Viso was fire...
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Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
remember oh yes jeans i do i do with that with that sort of embroidery on the on the pockets that was fire dude i remember in college there was a time where me and my friends bought all of our jeans based on how sick the pockets were and we would compliment each other all the time i'd be like damn those are sick pockets and it was like a great bit but we were also dead serious Oh, yeah, sure.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Like, I would be like, yo, those pockets are sick. And so, like, the crazier the pocket, especially the back, the cooler and more rare and interesting the jean was. So, like, Ed Hardy had nice pockets. Ennichi had nice pockets. Evisu had really nice pockets. True Religion, to some extent, you could tell they were True Religions by the pockets. Yep. Bathing Ape had nice pockets. LRG...
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Oh, that's so fire. I mean, they should probably bring back sick pockets. I mean, they will come back. Yeah, they have to. And I remember I had... I forgot what the brand was. Like J something? Like J Malone? I don't fucking know. It was like J Paper? Is that what it was called? I don't know. There was this jeans brand that, again, $250 a pair. First job out of college.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I'm like, I'm buying nice jeans. I buy maybe two pairs. And I start wearing them to the office. And I worked in this office that was a little bit... I would say the people there were a little older than me. I was definitely the coolest person, even though I was uncool. You know what I mean? But I was the youngest. I was one of the youngest people. Right.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And I was wearing jeans, and I was like, these are fly as hell. But then everyone was wearing jeans as well, but the people that were wearing jeans were wearing faded baggy, poorly fitting, unflattering, sloppy boys. You know what you see? Those sloppy guys.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Most people are sloppy, dude. And that fat belly hanging over the thing. Yeah. And so the owner of the company was like, no more jeans. And I was like, dude, I'm not wearing khakis. I was like, I paid a lot of money for these jeans. And I continued wearing jeans until I was reprimanded by my supervisor. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
My boss was great. And he was just like, I'm looking out for you. You don't want to die on this hill. He's like, you have a pretty easy, cushy job. And so do I. This guy is really was always he was like a mentor to me because what's crazy is that he was probably my age now.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
right like he's he's 36 or 38 and he was really taking advantage we were in the social media department we were the heads of social media he was the head of social media and i was like the first yeah i was like i don't even know what my job was like digital marketing strategist but we were the higher no dude i was fucking i knew exactly what i was doing digital marketing easiest job in the world
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And I was, but we were the whole department. So it would be like, oh, we'll send it to the social media group. And it was just me and him. But it was so easy to continue doing pretty much what I'm still doing, which is, or no, it's what our mutual good friend of the pod, Hassan Ali Khan, does.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Which is say a lot of big words in an order that makes not a lot of sense to a bunch of people that are very dumb. And then everyone thinks you're a genius.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
So I was doing Analyst Plus back then. And so my boss was like, you don't want to lose this very easy job where me and you can go to lunch for three hours and then hit Lifetime Fitness and get a couple reps in and leave at 4 p.m. And come to the office at maybe nine or eight or sorry, nine or 10. He's like, we don't want to lose this. So maybe it's time you abandon the jeans. So I did.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
So you just started wearing khakis? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What a character arc. Back then. Those were also the days where you had going out clothes. Yeah, 100%. Like you and the boys were going out on Friday night and you would get a going out shirt.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Yeah, no, no, no. The going out shirt's always a button out or it's like a really, really graphic tee. Right.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Yeah, they were long and they were square-toed. Steve Madden. No, no, they were Stacey Adams. That was like the poor man Steve Madden. This is called Stacey Adams. Oh, fuck. They were available at JCPenney, Burlington Co-Factory, Marshalls, Macy's, and such.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Oh, those are a step up from Stacey Adams, but they're still like, I don't know. Let me ask you a question. If Subway Takes was pitched a branded content partnership with Kenneth Cole and the bag was reasonably sized, what would you say? What would be the first thought in your head?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Oh, you would be fully not self-conscious about doing an ad for Kenneth Cole?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Wait, is Kenneth Cole kind of tight? I don't remember.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Is Kenneth Cole equal to Hugo Boss? Is that like the same...
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
That's crazy that Kenneth Cole is, if you know, you know.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I was like, oh my God, we can't lose this deal. Did you tell Malou immediately? Oh, she was with me. And you were like, yes, and you pumped the fist? I started shaking. I was so excited.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
So there was a lot of sexism. I mean, there's still sexism in science.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Because your relationship with Popeyes is fairly religious. You are a lunch Popeyes guy. You're a dinner Popeyes guy. You're a delivery Popeyes guy, which I think is crazy. I don't know about your breakfast habit, Popeyes. If there was a frequent flyer club for Popeyes, you would be a million miler probably at this point.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Yeah, so we got an email. I was kind of excited. I would do it for the culture. I have a love. I'm kind of like Trump in that I love American fast food. I think it's really fun. Maybe I'm not like Trump. I don't like it that much. Although I did just have a breakfast sandwich recently from somewhere that had a drive-thru. But it is devastating, especially because they have that new collab.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And when you were breaking into that, they did actually say things like that to you?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Oh, I was talking about the Ramadan Hennessy Popeyes collab.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
No, no, I'm not doing a bit. It's not for Ramadan. I think it's actually for Black History Month. I was so confused. I was like, how is Hennessy going to fit in that? I think it's for Black History Month. God, that feels really off. Go on. Let's see here. There's a Popeye-Hennessy collab. Oh, no. Sorry. It's Don Julio. I don't know that.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
wow it came out january 31st and what is it is it like chicken flavored i'm checking right now tequila oh my god it's still on the menu dude i can't believe you haven't had this oh no they're sold out fuck it's called the don it's called tequila don julio x popeyes championship lineup menu whoa what's on this menu So it's wings, Don Julio fusion wings. I'm looking at a chicken sandwich here.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And then it looks like there's a beverage, but I would – the beverage is – okay. So it's Popeye's X Tequila Don Julio Reposado Flavored Concha Roll Chicken Sandwich. So it's a concha roll. It's a new kind of roll. There's a concha. I don't know. And then the Popeye's X – is that how you pronounce kind of the X?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
It's a collab. It's like Popeye's X Don Julio. So Popeye's X Don Julio Reposado Flavored Louisiana Garlic Three-Piece Wings. And then there is the Popeye's Spicy Strawberry Hibiscus Flavored Lemonade Mocktail. And that is what consists of the Don Julio Popeye's Championship lineup.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
So, yeah. So we had to say no to the Popeye's bag. Yeah. Because it was a little too small, right? Was that why we had to say no?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
We don't fuck with that. And so the collab is what, with Pickles? I guess they're getting free advertising right now, but it's a Pickles collab? Is this under embargo?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Have you ever seen the movie Jurassic Park?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And it should have said do not like it should have been in red. It should say under embargo. Yeah. Then we would know. Yeah, that was a shame. That was a shame. But I'm not, you know, I'm trying to be more of a classic man. Oh, I'm a classic man. And I feel like a Popeye's collab is not the kind of classic that is fitting my current status.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
The Gap is a good classic man. And you know how I know it's a classic man? How? The XL. The XL fits me perfectly. Oh, nice. And I think men at one point in time were much broader shouldered, broader bellied. They were just big men. And so the Gap makes clothes for men. Whereas many other brands... I've had to acquire their clothing. I have to get 2XL. I'm not a fat boy. I'm not a 2XL kind of guy.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
But I think they're skimping on the fabrics, cost-cutting. It's like at the grocery store when they put a little more air in the Cheetos bag and a little less Cheetos.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I'm the Cheeto. I'm the same size, but the size of the bag has gotten smaller. To save costs. But the consumer doesn't know. So when I go and get clothes from XYZ and I have to get a XXL, they're essentially saying you're fat and you've gained weight. But in reality, they just are trying to cut costs.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
No, I always write in the emails because I'm talking about free clothing here. I'll write XL if standard sizing, XXL if new form skinny sizing.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And many people dress twinks. I mean, many men are twinks now.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Wait, Lord of the Rings? That's a good movie.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Even if they're straight, they're twinks.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
So Gap makes classic fitting clothes, so I'm very happy with them. I think some of the other collabs, I mean, I don't remember what came out recently. What'd you cop at the Gap? What did I cop at the Gap? I got a whole kit. Shout out to Gap. I got a trench coat. I got kind of like a nice workman's jacket. I got a sweater. I got two pairs of pants, one white, one blue.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Wait, I have to say, I can't believe you've never seen the movie Jurassic Park.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And then they also hooked me up with a $500 gift certificate. Oh, I got this denim worker's jacket that's actually fleece lined, very warm. And I ran into John Caramonica yesterday at the screening that I went to. And he was very complimentary about that denim jacket. And he was like, I went to the Gap store before I even saw you wearing it in the ad.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And I was like, wow, this is a really nice denim jacket. And he was going to buy it for himself. And he agrees. John Caramonica is also a thick, nice, classic man.
SubwayTakes
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As classic as they come, to be honest. He's the perfect build.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
You know what it's about, though, right?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I know. And he probably thought in like really beautiful kind of like really nice vocabulary. You know, he didn't say this is nice. He said, I was like, this is luxurious.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Yeah, exactly. And then he didn't buy it because I got everything in two sizes. I got XL and XXL. I offered him last night to take over my XXL.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Of course. Amazing. Who doesn't want a free jacket?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Wait, you need, you need to go on the diet because you're too buff though.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
You have a Michael Phelps body. I mean, not like that. I wish.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
But why would the arms not fit? Have your arms gotten longer?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And it's bigger because it's filled with muscles, not because you're fat.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And then they create a theme park filled with dinosaurs, real living dinosaurs.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Yeah, but I think the best intermittent fast is like 18 hours. Let me see. Intermittent fasting. But you sleep through some of it. You know what I mean? No, definitely.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I mean, it depends on how strict you want to be. But I'd say, you know, extreme people would fast for 18 hours. But, like, a normal person would fast for 12. Like, I think a healthy habit in life is to, like, if you eat dinner at 7, you shouldn't eat breakfast till 7. I think that's normal. And that's 12 hours.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
So, Laura Dern, I think that that character in Jurassic Park was based on you.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
That's living. That's cool. But some people don't do that. Some people don't do that. Some people eat at 11 p.m. and then eat again at 8. Yeah, that's true. Not a fast. Snackers. Snackers out there. I think the window, I think the most effective is 18 hours and you have a small window of eating that's like pretty much five hours. Is that, no, 18 plus five, what's that?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
that's um 23 so you have a six hour window of eating that's 24 hours in a day yeah and i think that is an effective but also slightly easy way to lose weight because it's not like it's not that hard because we're never truly hungry you know what i mean like the body can go without food for like literally five months or something is that true
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
What an honor for me to take the first ever subway ride with Jane Goodall.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
yeah people go on like hunger strikes in prison and stuff and I don't think you need to eat I mean you definitely need water but you don't need food right yeah that makes sense so to be truly hungry like we have a feeling of hunger but it's not real hunger it's kind of like our body is a spoiled little bitch right because we eat three times a day no matter what whether we're hungry or not we just like are conditioned to try to eat three times a day but like most of the time we're not actually hungry and a lot of people eat
SubwayTakes
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I mean, look at the photos. You guys look very similar. I think it's possible.
SubwayTakes
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simply because they're bored like lunch i think i'm convinced that lunch exists as like a little a little treat a little accoutrement to the day a little something something to to perk you up for fun it's like a social thing but i don't think anyone needs lunch what are you what are you talking about i think if you need breakfast and dinner you don't need lunch so you're just gonna go but okay so the whole stretch of the day which is the most active part of the day
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Sure, yes. But we're not doing that. We're guys that sit on fucking laptops. And we expend no energy. And the only energy we expend is the energy that we spend walking to lunch. Yeah, we're not working in the coal mines. And pacing around our fucking apartments. We don't need lunch. We don't need three meals a day. Me and you don't even need probably two meals a day.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I think that like, so my grandfather, who was very thin and very healthy, he would eat breakfast and then he would eat an early dinner at like three or four. So he would eat breakfast like seven or eight. Then he would eat an early dinner at like three or four or a late lunch, depending on how you want to put it. And then he would have a nice snack.
SubwayTakes
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I will prove it. You want me to prove it right now?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
kind of at like eight or nine and that snack would be fruit. Um, just literally fruit. That was the only sack. Or maybe that was around sevens, fruit and tea. And he did that for his whole life and he was very healthy and very thin and I think it worked for him.
SubwayTakes
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No, see, I think that that's where we differ in our opinion.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
You think that buff people are in. I think that buff people are not in.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
That's literally marketing king. Yeah, because then you see protein and you go, oh, that's healthy even if it's not. Like there's probably, there's like chips, like regular potato chips and they're like seven grams of protein, literally. Well then, by the way, I have those chips. Yeah. I own those chips. It worked on you.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I think normal is, yes. I think norm core, norm body. I think just being normal is in. Is that just because effort is out? No, effort is in. You don't want to be fat. You don't want to be obese and chunky. And you don't want to look... You don't want to look like... You know how in style you don't want to look like you tried too hard? Yeah. Yes.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
The problem with being buff is that you permanently look like you've tried a lot, actually. It's hard to get buff. So when I see a guy on the beach that's buff, I'm like, you have not been working out your brain because you've been too busy working out your body.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I don't really judge a book based on its cover. You literally just did. You literally just did. But go on. No, no, no. I'm saying that that is a fact. I mean, to get buff, you have to work out, which means you have to spend at least an hour a day in the gym. Minimum. But to be truly buff, I think you're spending two hours a day.
SubwayTakes
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To have bulging muscles, there's a difference between being fit and being buff.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I'm not buff. No, you're not buff, but you're fit. But I think to be buff, you are sitting in the gym for a lot of hours. And that means that you are valuing your vanity because you don't need to be buffed to be healthy. It means that it's vanity muscles.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
And that means that you are sitting there working out when I'm out there in the streets learning, you know, talking to people, understanding life, understanding, you know, pondering existential crises and thoughts, trying to solve the world's greatest problems. And,
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Starvation, war, homelessness, crime. Democracy in general, tax fraud, like how do I actually avoid paying taxes? That one's less existential. It's like the tax fraud that I can do myself. No, it's not fraud. It's just like how do I do the loopholes? I just want to be able to do the loopholes as well as the greatest loophole doers. Yeah. No, I agree. I agree.
SubwayTakes
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I think that if other people are taking advantage of the loopholes, I also want to take advantage of the loopholes.
SubwayTakes
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But I don't want to do anything illegal.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I think we forgot to talk about Jane Goodall.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
She's truly incredible. I was so, I mean, she was so quiet. It was a really challenging episode for me because I was like, she's short and quiet. So I'm like, I'm literally the whole time I'm leaning in trying to hear what she's saying. And she was filled with great knowledge. But it was difficult. It was a really, it was probably one of the more difficult episodes I've ever done.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
But of course, you know, it was an honor and a pleasure to meet the goat, one of the scientific goats of the universe. You know, it's kind of like, it's like having Stephen Hawking on Subway Takes, R.I.P.,
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
I'm also not going to lie. I will tell you this. Jane Goodall has been in contact with me after the episode. Oh, interesting. She slid in the DMs. We have kept in touch. She slid in the emails. Oh, professional. She's crossing the line a little bit. She was crossing the line a little bit. I love that. Dear Kareem, I'll read a little bit, just a little.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Yeah, just a snippet, you know, respect the privacy. Dear Kareem, meeting you and chatting on the subway was a highlight. What a great idea you had to make these meetings. That's all I'm going to give you.
SubwayTakes
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And then she said her sign off is sending love. Oh,
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
No, dude. And then recently, um, I, her, her, like, you know, one of the people on her team, Mia, um, said, let's see here. She said like, Jane won't stop talking about you, something like that. So I'm in good standing with the team. But yeah, I mean, I was so happy that that episode turned out okay. Oh, literally it says this. P.S. She still has a major crush on you, Kareem.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Just changing the planet of apes. I mean, she was great. She was really funny and fun. She's never seen Jurassic Park, which I think is weird, though. That's the one weird thing about her. Yeah, that's crazy. Because I really think the Laura Dern character is based on her.
SubwayTakes
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I think that she is probably protesting Jurassic Park because they obviously based that character on her and probably did not reach out.
SubwayTakes
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I will say it's kind of like Substack using my image and likeness on the homepage of the App Store without my permission.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
But I guess the thing is, who would have thought? You know? Like, usually you don't need to read the terms and conditions because the terms are inconsequential to a regular, you know, civilian, right? But now that I'm talent, now that I'm talent, I should probably start reading the terms and conditions. Yeah, just send that to your lawyer. I should. I mean, I'm literally on the homepage.
SubwayTakes
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Dude, if you type in Substack on the App Store, I'm the second image in the App Store.
SubwayTakes
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Hey, dude, I'm downloading a new app. Every time I download a new app. Hey, dude, I'm going to need you to work this weekend because I'm downloading a new app. I actually downloaded an app for my baby yesterday and I didn't even read the terms and conditions. Fuck, dude.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
that's great i gotta do that today but i can't why not what do you got going on today i'm in back-to-backs all day until about 1 30 and then i have to go record a podcast so at least i'll get out of the house a little bit from 1 30 to pretty much like five i'll be out of the house not bad where's where's the where's the recording on so far away 55th street Oh, are you going to drive?
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
No, I'm going to take the train because I'm sure parking up there is shit. Right on. And I can't afford congestion pricing anymore. It's $9, man. It's terrible. I know, but I also have to pay a toll. So for me, it's $15 to get into the city. Each way? No. Oh, yeah. But I think I have to pay the toll on the way home. I don't even remember anymore.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Like I found myself taking an Uber yesterday because I was just like, I mean, I'm going to pay fucking $40 anyway. I might as well just not, I might as well get some extra screen time.
SubwayTakes
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This is incredible. What I think about New York, I think about the concrete jungle, which is very similar, maybe, to the regular jungle.
SubwayTakes
Jane Goodall's First Time on the Subway | Uncut
Well, on those days that we shoot, which we shot a lot yesterday. Yeah, it was a lot. I like don't get, I have to check, I literally have to check my emails and my texts and it, you know, it piles up and then all of a sudden I've got 140 texts and 45 unread emails. So I can't drive because I can't text and drive and I can't take the train because then I don't really have service.
SubwayTakes
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So my only option, I mean, I do a lot of business. I do a lot of business.
SubwayTakes
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I'm a businessman. So, I mean, I should... We should hire a driver. I know.
SubwayTakes
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like done something here it has riz it has riz it has riz the show is very cool yeah i mean i think with i mean kate blanchett is really like the show has more riz than any other show it's crazy that's crazy that is a that is an a plus lister yeah she doesn't have she doesn't even have instagram
SubwayTakes
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Wait, are you on that email thread? Am I on it? Yeah.
SubwayTakes
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Also, young Rami with the third camera angle.
SubwayTakes
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I don't know if we should get the Rizzler on.
SubwayTakes
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Yeah, those fellows, they're really taking advantage of the moment.
SubwayTakes
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But I like the Rizzler, and I like his father, and I think the Rizzler deserves all the success in the world. He is a really enlightened kind of Buddha-esque figure, both literally and figuratively and metaphorically. The other guys, they're not for me. They're not. They're not for me. The Costco guys are not for me.
SubwayTakes
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I don't think I'd have them on Subway Takes or Subway Takes Uncut or even just my personal Instagram or lunch. The Rizzler, I would lunch, dinner, breakfast. I'd have three meals a day with him. I would put him on Subway Takes. I'd put him on Subway Takes Uncut. I'd invite him to this podcast. Whatever this is.
SubwayTakes
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Okay. Okay, bye. Bye. Don't close the window. But I think you can stop every time. I just don't know how this works. Okay, hit this button.
SubwayTakes
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I forgot my flask. All right, we got it. Now let's get in the subway, all right? I forgot my flask. Did you bring a flask? Flask?
SubwayTakes
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It's really hot in Africa. And so you use just fans.
SubwayTakes
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Wow, that's incredible. So I have heard from various sources that You're a dog lady.
SubwayTakes
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And as a cat person... And my son is a cat person. Does that cause conflict in the family?
SubwayTakes
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This jungle is very bad for the environment.
SubwayTakes
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When you come to New York, what is your favorite food that you eat? Do you grab a slice of pizza or do you grab a hot dog? Oh, no, you don't grab hot dogs.
SubwayTakes
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That's very spiritual. Are you a spiritual person?
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Has your relationship with God changed over the years, or has it remained consistently the same?
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In the forest. In the forest. So to you, the God force is nature?
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You do, but I don't think a lot of people do.
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For some reason, as a culture, as a global culture, we have decided that animals are lesser than... That's right.
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That's true. I don't think that it is a rat problem. I think that it's a rat... I don't think... It's not their problem. They're just living. They're vibing.
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Yeah, it's biological. Survival. I read another interesting thing about you, which is that you potentially believe that there may be a Bigfoot or Sasquatch.
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I'd probably say don't do your taxes. I'd say don't get a social security number.
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Have you been coming here for a long time?
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All of you people, vote for your future.
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Thank you, Jeff Hurwitz, for the science. That's amazing.
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Oh, his daughter made it. And it's all recycled materials.
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That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. You didn't even have to buy a piece of cardboard. Why would you buy cardboard?
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Yeah, we must think about waste. We must think about pollution. We must think about how we transport ourselves.
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Years and years and years and years. Yes.
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We must think about the things that we're using that we don't need.
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100% agree. A lot of young people feel helpless and hopeless.
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"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
You don't got to tell me about black families.
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I watched a documentary called Nutty Professor.
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They're good. I mean, they're funny. I mean, the thing is, like, Egyptians are very funny. Egyptians are jokesters of the Middle East, in my opinion. Like, if you go to Egypt, you're going to get a lot of playful conversations, and I think that's where, you know, that's where my gift of gab comes from, is, like, I just like having a good time, and I think it's fun.
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Like, my ideal situation on any given night is to be at a dinner table with four people, arguing or disagreeing or just making jokes about it. But the thing about Egyptian Americans is that as a child of Egyptians, you think your family is funny.
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for the ridiculous views yeah because they're stuck in a world and you're in between two worlds so it ends up just being jokes based on that you know like like what did my mom do oh yeah i told my mom that i wanted to kit name like if it was a boy i wanted to name my kid rafi r-a-f-i which is an arabic name um And she's like, oh, you mean Rafi? And I'm like, mom, no, I mean Rafi.
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She's like, what's Rafi? What's Rafi? And I was like, R-A-F-I, it means the highest or whatever. She's like, yes, that's Rafi. And I kept saying, mom, no one's going to call him Rafi. Or like my dad. My dad, when he put my name on my birth certificate. So proudly, he chose the black American spelling of Kareem, which is K-A-R-E-E-M. Most Arab people are K-A-R-I-M. Yeah, yeah.
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Like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Kareem Black, Kareem Campbell. All those people are two E's. It's the black American way to spell it. And then the Arabs or the Middle Easterners, they are K-A-R-I-M. So he gave me the black version, which was not by choice. But on the birth certificate, he actually did K-R-E-M. Oh, okay. Which is not a name at all. Karem? No, just Krem. Krem? Like literally not a name.
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And I was like, why'd you do that? And he was like, it's easier to spell. And I was like, but dude, it's a different fucking, it's a different word. It's not even a name.
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That's what happened. And then she, what's Orpah? That's not a name, is it?
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That's kind of a fire name. It's kind of a fire name.
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"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
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"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
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"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
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"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Appointments made through ZocDoc also happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same-day appointments. I use this and you should too. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash Subway Takes. ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes.
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"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
I want to get some of your opinions on some of the comments, which I think a big hit was when I said, where am I going? We've kind of covered it already. But where am I going? My brother. And then laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh.
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Yes, Jay Jordan. Shout out Jay Jordan. Top comment.
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And I mean, that is a, I mean, look, North Africans, like I had an agent once tell me to audition for a black role.
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And I go, I'm not African-American.
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Like, I'm not comfortable auditioning for this role because it says black specifically.
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Not North African. And she goes, yeah, but you're North African-American.
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North African-American. That was so fire when she said that.
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No, no, no. It's just because, like, African American implies that you are a descendant of slaves. I thought, right? That's what I thought. Like, that's what the difference between, like, an African guy from Senegal or, like, Kenya who moves to America. Yeah. Those people are Kenyan Americans or... you know, an African person living in America.
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But from my knowledge and understanding, African American means that you are, you know, you were brought here, your family was brought here against their will, you know, a long time ago, and that you are a descendant of that kind of slavery or something.
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I don't know if that's a sure thing, but that's what I thought, or I like maybe read that once or something.
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So how are they related? Like they're like rapers?
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Yeah, yeah, for sure. And I have lighter ones too. And that's obviously probably through colonialism and because the British and the Australians were both in Egypt at some point and other, I mean, there were a lot of people in Egypt at some point. So that's probably where it comes from. Actually, I know that's where it comes from.
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So that's that entire portion. Yes, segregation is dope.
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Well, how about this, though? What if, like, white people want to pass? Like, are we letting, like, Chet Hanks in?
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Are we letting any white people in at all? Lady Gaga?
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you have to pay a very large fee and then you could come the visa stands for 24 hours i like the fee because the fees the fee or i think you have to pay for the visa like egypt does this thing where you buy a visa literally in the airport at the bank yeah you don't have to do anything for it you just have to pay it's a tax to enter the country it's 30 they're like it's 30 to enter for everyone
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And it's not a real visa. I mean, it's a sticker that they put on your passport, but you don't have to apply for it in advance. It doesn't do anything. It's just a tax. It's just a tax to enter our country. So let's get the passport going.
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Oh, they were like, you can't come.
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That place would have the, that would be the, I wonder if there's any place like that, like right now that exists. Maybe not that says implicitly like no whites allowed.
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Maybe, I don't know, probably some parts of Brooklyn.
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And, okay, so I think that a lot of people, you know, the Italians, the Italians want to be reconsidered. I know that the Italians want to be, they want to be black.
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So you think that they became white after the Godfather?
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You're like, it's not enough. Food's not spicy enough. It's not enough.
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That's true. The colored community is filled with noodles.
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I want to get some of your takes on takes. So this brings me to the next point, which is that this is a very, I don't know if it's a similar take, but I think it's in the same zone. But Kamau Bell came out with that every American should have to live for at least two weeks a year in the South.
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Which I thought was a very funny take. Again, I 100% disagreed with that. But I've never really been to the South. I've like driven through the South, but I've been to like, I've been to the white South. I've been to New Orleans and I've been to Savannah. That's what I call the white South. Pretty white.
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And we're back. Joyelle, what the hell's going on?
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Thank you so much, New Orleans, for giving us a day of rest.
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You're saying New Jersey, which is the south of the East Coast.
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And do you think that would work?
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I don't know, man. I think some people just would not work. I think someone like an Elon Musk.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to do a good Elon impression. He's like, oh, yes. He doesn't really say words.
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But what's crazy is he had a good reputation. He had a good and a bad reputation. But people were like, look, he's cool. He's saving the world. He's going to go to Mars. He's going to make these electric cars. White people. But no. I think for a while, everyone was like, oh, this guy's like Iron Man. He's so cool. No? You think black people were always?
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Well, sometimes they make it too hot. The Asians make it too hot.
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No, I don't think he's brilliant.
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There was a point where he was maybe cool. A little bit. You might not believe this, but I think that there was a general consensus that Of some parts of the population that were like, maybe tech bros, maybe people, I don't know. Okay, I admit, I fell for it. That's why I'm saying this. Because I was like, oh, he's kind of tight. Like, oh, Tesla's so cool, blah, blah, blah.
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Like, he's such a badass. And then the minute this motherfucker started tweeting and opening his mouth, he just lost it.
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How many are there? There's like 15 or something.
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He's getting so ugly. Like physically. He's physically uglier.
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Well, I sometimes go to a Thai restaurant and they're like, do you want it spicy? And I'm like, I'll take it white spicy.
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Oh man, money really can't buy swag.
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But he wants love. He does want love. They both want love. They're desperate for love.
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Everybody is obsessed with omakase right now.
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What's the spot you're going to?
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Karami, I'm going to write that down. Here's the thing. I've never had omakase.
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Like because they're they're regular spicy. Like you pretty much have to say no spice.
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And omakase is where you sit down and they just feed you, right? Yes. And you get full?
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I famously love eating with chopsticks. I eat fucking Chipotle with chopsticks.
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No, no. I eat almost like I eat so many meals with chopsticks. I just think it's better. I eat scrambled eggs with chopsticks. At the crib, I eat with chopsticks. The thing I don't, I should start eating like spaghetti with chopsticks. I guess I don't eat spaghetti enough.
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Now I'm a little hungry. All right. The next one is if you want a date in New York, you need to be in therapy.
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But medium. What is that? That's like that's like white plus.
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absolutely and stand-up comedy is not attractive in a heterosexual female body so wait what do you mean by that it emasculates men ah because all men wish they were stand-up comedians right that's another take right that's so true yes absolutely i think it would be very hard if i was a woman to date uh or no if i wait no if i was still who i am i think it would be hard to date a comic
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That's nice. Yeah. Do you really need therapy to chill out and be nice to the person that you love?
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Yes. That's why, for me, I went to therapy. Yes. And then once I realized that, I said, all right, I'm good now.
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No, I think I went for like eight years.
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And then I was like, I think I got to a point, honestly, like I felt healed. Like I really genuinely felt healed. And I got to a point where I was like, I think I got it. Like, I think I actually have figured like this has helped to the point where I realize why I am the way I am. And I'm able to observe my actions and my feelings and my reactions.
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Yo, what the hell? I don't want to swear. What the fell? What the frick is up? Subway takes the podcast. What's good? What's popping? What's happening? I'm your host, Kareem Rahma. And today I am joined by Joyelle Nicole Johnson. You've seen her on The Tonight Show. You've seen her on Late Night with Seth Meyers. You've seen her on Comedy Central.
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And then I was like, I think I'm going to take a break from the therapy and just try to like live my life without it. But knowing that all of these things and it worked and I haven't been back in like three years, but I also haven't had any mental breakdowns.
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And I raw dogged. I raw dogged the pregnancy. I raw dogged the birth. I raw dogged the first year of a child.
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I think people should put a limit on it, though. Otherwise you get addicted. You become an addict. Maybe it becomes a crutch.
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You're trying to be a contrarian? I'm trying to be a contrarian.
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All of my beliefs are very, very, very loosely held.
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I can be convinced. And I also like really don't care that much.
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So I genuinely just want everyone to be happy.
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Then, then yeah, that's, then keep doing it.
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They don't advise that though. They try to make you come in twice a month, twice a week.
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That's fire. So you got a celebrity couples therapist?
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I wanted to give him... So I was doing my own self-defense, maybe. Is that the word? Where I was just like, you know what? I'm not going to be so upset. I'm just going to let him cook a little bit and see. I'm not going to get all worked up. I'm not going to get all riled up. I'm just going to kind of like...
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I think a lot of people did move.
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Oh, you're really thinking about it, too?
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You're like, fuck all this shit.
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Staying and fighting? No, no, no, no, no, no.
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That is so funny. Well, I don't even, like, I'm no draft dodger. Mm-hmm. But even if I stay, I'm not fighting.
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Men just need water. It's a man's take.
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I got flat feet. I got flat feet.
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Yeah, you can't let me in. I'll fail.
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"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
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"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
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"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
It's honestly helped me untangle my life and figure out what to do and when to do it, really. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient, too. You can join a session with the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. plus switch therapists at any time.
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Your well-being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com slash subway takes to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash subway takes. If I was in the army, I'd definitely want to be one of those guys that's just on the computer. I would want to run social media for the army.
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"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Yeah, I'll be part of the propaganda machine sitting in the bomb squad being like, so what's your take?
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Well, I belong to the streets, so it's fine. You're just out here. I've been belonging to the streets my whole life.
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Literally in the trenches, there's a gunfire happening. Hey, so what's your take? Oh, man, I think this is awesome.
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Oh, probably shouldn't have gone to war.
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Person just dies in front of me. You're like, uh-oh. Or like the guy that's like, here's my day in the life of a U.S. soldier.
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I want to be the head of social media for the Army.
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That'd be a sick army. Got all sorts of like fighting styles.
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Karate. Oh, yeah. Tai Chi. I don't know if that's for fighting, but it's. Judo, no? Judo. Boxing. Yeah. All of the fighting styles.
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Oh, segregation within the segregation.
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Oh, so everyone lives in their own zone.
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The subway tunnels. Don't get any silly ideas, people. Don't be deporting me. I'm not in the Hamas tunnels. You know, I'm just saying. They got tunnels.
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Zone one, zone two, zone three. And then there's like the mixing zone.
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So Japan has a very homogenous society. And it is pretty blissful because everyone's on the same page. Everyone's like, I know the rules. We understand the rules. We understand the whole thing. Everyone does the same kind of things. It's just very simple to understand, and they don't accept citizens really from anywhere, even the U.S.
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It's really hard to become a Japanese citizen even from the U.S., and... It's pretty nice, but you miss the chaos of a New York City where everyone is bringing their own swag to the game, to the party. But that is both the beauty and the detrimental aspect to having a culture that is filled with people from other cultures, is that there is no monoculture.
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Like, you walk outside and you see a guy in, like, a cafea and another guy, like, wearing, like, some other shit. And then, like, I'm in Chinatown right now, and it's very much Chinatown. But if I walk two blocks, I'm in Little Italy, which is not really Little Italy. Little Italy is not really, you know, just a tourist destination. But, yeah, it's, like, it's enjoyable on a vacation, but...
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But I don't know if I'd ever want to live in a place where everyone's exactly the same.
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But only in Brooklyn. They have tunnels in Brooklyn, but we have them in occupied lands. Well, that's actually a great segue to the take, which is bring back segregation. Bring it back. And I 100% disagreed, but you made some really good points, and I changed my mind when you said I belong in the...
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And invasion. There's an invasion in Brooklyn.
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Well, that is a white, white people just take over. yeah they really come in and they take over and then they homogenize and make everything boring as fuck and actually i really like white people i have a lot of white friends so shout out to my white friends but you do be making shit really boring like the coffee shop man coffee shop used to be fire
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yeah like it literally used to be a place to hang out even even in like friends they were white but that was a different kind of new york i guess but now it's just like oh let me make it a blank street coffee blank street literally meaning it's blank there's not even chairs they're very honest with their um things sometimes but i just want because you know they'll come into our neighborhoods and they'll be like you're being too loud and it's like
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I think they prioritize comfort and convenience over everything. That's what it is. And the comfort in the sense that it's like a selfish comfort. Not even like I feel a part of my community comfort, but it's like it's too loud. It's too loud here kind of comfort. It's like a selfish comfort where it's like you're too loud. I want peace and quiet. You're too loud.
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And then the convenience element is like I need a coffee. I don't want chairs. I don't even want a human being. I want a fucking machine to do the work for me. You know what I mean? I feel like that is part of the big problem is convenience and comfort. And that is why Uber exists. That is why Seamless exists or the food delivery apps. That's why the hip dentist or the hip doctor exists.
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It's all about convenience and comfort. And when you do convenience and comfort, you strip out... You strip out the flavor.
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I feel like white people always have beef with their families. Yeah, there's never there's never it's always I hate my mom. I hate my dad or I don't get along with my mom or I don't get along with my dad or I don't speak to my cousins or I don't speak to my aunts. There's always beef. There's always some sort of beef.
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Yeah, I understand the micro beefs, but but like the beefs of like, I don't talk to that person.
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And that starts by, I think, Mom, leave me the fuck alone, you bitch.
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Imagine calling your mom a bitch. My mom would fucking shove my head in the washing machine and probably turn it on. She would waterboard me. My mom would waterboard me.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
I think we should get rid of the word people of color to represent kind of this whole group of people, whether I'm in it, you're in it, Asians, Mexicans, whatever. And we should just start calling white people people of no color.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Yeah. No, seriously. We're the global majority.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
I genuinely think that this could be a movement. People of no color, people of no culture, people of no... Because the beauty of me... I'm just going to flex on myself right now, but the beauty of me going to Spain is everyone thinks I'm a Spaniard. The beauty of me going to Puerto Rico is everyone thinks I'm Puerto Rican.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
The beauty of me going to Egypt or Morocco or Sudan, people... I don't stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe in some of the Asian countries I do, but I could probably pass for Pakistan or India and I could cruise around there. Um... But it's a beautiful thing to be like, oh, I'm a man of the world.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Whereas maybe a white person is very limited or a person of no color is limited in a world where most people are colorful.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
You have enough. You could easily go to Egypt or Morocco. They might think that you have more African in you than a Moroccan person. But I think you can cruise around a little bit more. You can go to Dominican. They'll accept you.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get very tan in the summer.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
You'll be the first person to see it.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Omakase in the summertime. That sounds like a Harry Styles song.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
I think he has a song called Sushi in a Restaurant or something. Oh, yeah. We can play his music. His music's up. It's fun.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
We can play his music in the restaurant.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Okay, turn it on on your way to couples therapy.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Okay, the last take on takes I want to get is... And I should mention, you should 100% agree or 100% disagree to this. Oh! I just started. This is only the second episode, so... Becoming hot has become too accessible.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
No, but yeah, I guess it's easy to be skinny now.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
It's an extremely rare case where I get my mind changed. I think you're right. Like, it's happened maybe five times because I only have one option to say 100% agree, 100% disagree. That one I obviously, without knowing what you were going to say, was like, I'm not dying on this. This is not where I'm going to – this is not where Kareem Rahma, like, ends. RIP. Bring back segregation. 100% agree.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
But being skinny is hard if you're doing it naturally without the stick, that stick.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Yeah, that's the only way to get skinny.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
If you don't have that body type in the first place. But I was actually thinking, because I'm a thick boy, I have a hard time buying a good fitting shirt or something that fits well, that's not too tight or too loose. I was thinking I would prefer this than to be one of those guys that cannot, like, that is so, like, they can't gain weight. You know those guys? Yes.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
They're just, they're, like, so thin. Yeah. And they cannot gain weight or put on muscle.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
And I would rather be a big boy than be a twig.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Oh, I auditioned for that. I didn't get the part.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
No, no, no, no, no. I think I was a cool roommate. I've never seen the show, but from what I understood in the sides, it was like the cool friend.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
I think that was the black role. I think that's the one where I was like, I don't want to audition for this.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Yeah, it was a black role in a black show. And I was like, I don't want to audition for this. And my agent was like, you're North African American. I was like, well, you got a point. Let's try.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Okay, great. This is great news. That just opened up a world of opportunity.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
No, because you have to stand by what you said.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
I have Afro hair, which I didn't learn how to take care of until I was 34. And I'm 38, so four years ago. And, you know, I think that one is a shoo-in. If you have hair like my kind of hair, you are automatically, even if you're white or Jewish, let's put you in the colored section. If you have any sort of nap to it. Yes.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
And you saw that? I mean, they literally did that in the show.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
No, me too. I think there's something about watching white people suffer. Rich, rich, rich, rich, rich white people suffer. That is so, it's just great.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Do you think that they sometimes see themselves in the characters and go, fuck I'm that girl. I hate myself.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Yeah, he's hilarious. He's hilarious in the role because he grew up like that. I mean, if that's true, that makes a lot of sense. Because I was like, he's weird on screen. Like, he's not good on screen.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
no but he's he's hating himself yeah yeah like i hated it despisable yeah no it was uh perfect casting parker posey being the whitest woman of all time that accent though i don't know if i i agree with that accent what do you mean don't agree with it i felt like it wasn't southern it was just kind of like a speech impediment like i was like this is not convincing me
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
She took a little bit of time to get used to. I loved it. But once I got used to it, I thought it was funny.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
It was very obvious that they were like, we need an iconic, like... White woman. Rich white woman.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Yeah. And you watched the finale last night?
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
He landed the plane. I landed the plane. White Lotus landed the plane. You know, they did not have me in the first half. I was like, this show has lost its touch. We're cooked.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
But then as soon as that snake episode hit... I was like, all right, some sinister shit's about to go down. But tragic ending, in my opinion, to the show.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
They got red. Well, I don't want to spoil it, but they did make it out like bandits.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Well, thank you very much for joining us to discuss your take again. Joyelle Nicole Johnson, where can people find you?
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
But what's crazy is you had a lot of support. I mean, I thought that the racists and the haters and just like kind of the people that don't get humor were just going to be in the comments being like, you know, send her to the fucking gulag or whatever. But it was supportive. It was mostly people like people got the joke and they also understood the
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Well, thank you so much for joining us. It has been a blast.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
the undertone of what you were saying, which is this kind of black excellence, kind of we got the best stuff. I'm saying we because I'm in the club based on what you told me.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
I want to be in it. I want to be in it. Put me in the club. With the hair and the name, I belong in the club.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
And you can stream her special Lovejoy on Peacock today. She came through with an unbelievably spicy take. And I'm not talking white spicy. I'm talking black spicy. Level 10 Thai spicy. Like hurt your mouth, burn your mouth spicy. Which is bring back segregation. Play the take.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Oh my God. We didn't even get into schools in that episode.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Well, you know, there's only enough room for a couple of spicy soundbites.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
You grew up in Union, New Jersey.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
At the same time that I'm learning about all of the trauma that has happened to my, what is it, bloodline or my race, whatever. I don't know what the word is at the same time. But when you frame it that way, it sounds so jarring. But actually, I feel like it would actually set Black people up for an incredible kind of second chapter of their life. Like all of a sudden...
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Maybe you go to college at Howard University, which Ta-Nehisi Coates has said is literally a utopia. It's where his entire worldview was shaped. And he's obviously an incredibly brilliant writer and thinker and intellectual. And I think that there is something to be said, even if there is...
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
If you're not going to segregate the schools, that there is a program or something that is like African American Studies and it's in elementary school and it's setting you... Like, maybe it's just a sidetrack that is like, here's what happened and here's what you need to know about growing up Black in America.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Right, right, right. I mean, but all the bullying is kind of racist. Like I was bullied because of my stinky lunch, which is what happens to pretty much –
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
most foreigners you know their parents and i was like no i want to eat the fucking pizza rolls mom and she's making me like a home-cooked like rice and like grape leaves stuffed grape leaves and and i don't want to bring it because it stinks up the locker and then people are making fun of me for having a stinky locker and i want to eat fucking pizza rolls with chad or just like a pretzel with cheese and my mom's my mom's just like she's just she's like i have failed by moving to this country
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Let's jerk each other off and race horses or play polo or whatever the rich do.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
So you think that Black History Month is not enough? Oh, absolutely not. I'm making a joke. The month?
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
I think it should be a day. Yeah. Black History Day, you know, moving on.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Well, and at this point, Black History Month is literally like, hey, Sprite is on sale. Or like, here's a new ad for Nike featuring some black people.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Just a little bit. I think that reparations is actually possible. I do think it's possible.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
I know. That's what I'm saying. It's possible.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Throw black people a couple of casinos.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Imagine if they were like, if that was the deal, those just like we're just doing casinos like they did with Native Americans. There's like, let's give you some. Imagine the black casino.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Or Black Vegas. I mean that. Black Vegas is, that's Wakanda. That's Wakanda 2.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Um, let's just say I dabble in it.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Let's just say that it's not a habit.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
But if there is a casino or a bet to be made, I'm taking the bet.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
but like going to and putting money down on a thing that terrifies me you know it's funny too because even in comedy I feel like black people are better at comedy than white people I know this is very this is a take
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
And I'm probably going to get in trouble for this. But I think most people would agree. I think if you're honest with yourself, black people, let's not let's take it out of comedy. Black people are funnier. And they're more fun to be around.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
I've seen the nutty professor. I've seen it.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Do you have more ideas up your sleeve? Of course. Boyroom's just the tip of the iceberg.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
That's so nice. Why are you being so nice to me?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
You're a really nice person. Actually, you're a really nice person. No, no.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Oh, no. Every time I've ever talked to you, you've been so nice. You think about me a lot. Actually, one time you did something really nice. When we first met, I think we had first met maybe like four years ago or three years ago. And we were at a show. I forgot whose show. Maybe it was my show. Maybe it was someone else's show. But you were like, hey, we don't know each other. But I like...
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
knew about you when I was in college. You were like, I loved your website. At the time, my website was a Google Doc.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
That's so cool. I feel potentially like an elder statesman a little bit. Even though I've only been in the scene for six years, I feel like I like the youth a lot. I really do like the youth a lot. I only hire people exclusively based on vibe. I've never hired someone based on their skills. It's always based on vibe. My question is, would I go on vacation with this person Yes or no.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
And if I would go on vacation with them, I hire them.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
She's the host of the popular internet show, Boy Room, which is television that is on the internet, kind of like my shows. And she's one of the funniest people I've ever met. And her take was that there should be no more group chats, which I find to be...
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
So that's a little tip for the Rama heads out there. What the heck is up, everyone? It's your boy Kareem Rahma, host of Subway Takes. When was the last time you needed to go to a doctor but you pushed it off? Maybe you made the excuse, I'm too busy, or it'll heal on its own, or I don't need help, or I don't know which doctor to go to. Yeah, I think we've all been there.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Booking a doctor's appointment can feel so daunting. But thanks to ZocDoc, there's no reason to delay. They make it so easy to find and book a doctor who's right for you. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash Subway Takes. ZocDoc.com slash Subway Takes. Do it.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
What is wrong? What's wrong? You have a cold?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Which is not bad. It's not bad.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Um, one, one thing I want to talk about. So did you have a, this is based on your take. I just wonder, um, did you have a falling out with the group chat? Were they angry? Wags?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Wives and girlfriends of Zach Schiffman. Is that what it is?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I left a group chat recently and destroyed a friendship.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
i'm so sorry kareem i'm no longer friends i'm no longer but i was like you know what i'm done i was like i'm injecting myself from this group chat i don't want to be friends anymore and i'm out and i dipped and then they tried to add me back in and make a new group chat and i said no i don't like this i don't i don't i'm not friends with this person anymore wow i'm really sorry and i'm sorry that they didn't like respect your boundary to not be in it anymore that is really difficult they try to put me back in
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
So how many group chats are you in?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
How many people are in that one?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Well, what if you did an Irish exit?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I was once in a group chat that was set up for a trip, like a bachelor party. And it was probably like five close friends or maybe three close friends and then like five, you know, of the bachelor's friends or whatever. And after the trip, people kept saying like, oh man, that was so fun. Oh, I want to go back. I want to do this. Oh, we should hang out.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
And I got really, I was like in a mood and I was like, guys, the trip is over. It was fun. All good things must come to an end. Yeah. And I'm leaving the group chat. And then I left. And I think... I'm pretty sure everyone talked a lot of shit after I left.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Oh my goodness. I think that it feels to me like more of a liability these days to be in a group chat. Because look at the president's guys, Trump's guys. Of course. All their group chats are leaking.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
It's true. It's like a nightmare. OK, I'm with you on this one.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Do you think people just love you in the group chat? I feel like people just love you in the group chat.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Well, that's because Zach Schiffman knows everything about everyone. He's incredible. He's my source. I love him.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
He's incredible. I ran into him the other night and I was like, man, I love being around this guy. And he was, well, he was just telling, he was spilling so many secrets and talking so much shit about so many people. And I'm like, you do realize we barely know each other, right? And he's like, yeah, but he's like, but for some reason, I just feel like I can tell you everything.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
And I'm like, yeah, you can, because I forget, like I'm very forgetful. So I have no idea what he told me. He was like, don't tell anyone. I was like, I won't remember this tomorrow, which is true. I don't have enough room in my brain for it.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
No, it's not even that. It's just like I just have a hole in my head. Like I have a hole in my brain. Like I don't know anything. I can't even remember what I did yesterday.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Wait, would you, if I started a group chat with you and him, do you think he would participate? Because he doesn't respond to my texts.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
No, you can fire it off. But I have a question. I text him and he doesn't text me back. What's the deal with that?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I sent him a text on Monday at 1.53pm and I said, God, you're so funny because this was after the party and I was thinking about how funny it was and guess what? He didn't respond.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
But he likes me in real life. Okay, look at this. Monday, August 26th. Shall we post your subway take today? No response. Monday, August 26th. Zach, baby, are you there? No response. Thursday, August 29th. We are live. Collab post sent. No response. Saturday, October 26th. A photograph of him. Well, it's not him. Look at this photo.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
It looks like him and Zendaya. And I said... I thought this was you. Look what he said. Nothing. No response. Monday, 1.53 p.m. God, you're so funny. No response. What the fuck?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Zach, why don't you respond to my text? I'm texting him with you on CC.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Zach, why don't you respond to my text? So we're going to find out. Hopefully on this podcast, we'll find out why he doesn't respond to my text. That's really funny.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Oh, maybe. But he loves me. He told me he loves me. Okay, so I'm going to tell you the names of some of my group chats. And then you can rate them. Okay, one. These are the active ones. Safe Space.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Do you do the minimal amount of work in there? Yeah, no, I never respond.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
That one is, I think, six people. Let me see. Okay. Yeah, six people. It's very active. That one's daily. Deep Down in John's Anus. That one's also pretty active. That's a daily. Tiny Gun, which is my band, that one's active. Somebody just sent a text right now, actually. They're talking about Haim, the band. Everyone has a different purpose. Safe Space is semi-offensive memes.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Deep Down in John's Anus is my closest friends. Tiny Gun is the band, and that one is mostly music-related, but also bits. We do a lot of bits as a band. People of color. That one's kind of hood. People of Color is kind of my hood group chat. The last photo that was sent in there is Jack Links and Doritos did a collab for Beef Jerky.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
And then there's also a video of Kohl's fired its chief executive, Ashley, after she slept with someone. And then I have NYC Full Cock! I have the Capitalism Group, which is my managers. I named that one Capitalism Group. I think it's pretty good, pretty funny. That's really it. Those are my most active and I have them all pinned to the top. Oh, I have the three ass cheeks of the Lord.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
That one I'm not so active in, but Dale's in that one. And I receive a lot of memes through that, but I don't participate because I'm too active in the other group chats. Yeah, a lot of ass play in my names.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
What's the name of your most active group chat?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Well, we don't talk about it. We just name the group chat.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Wait, this is kind of not, I kind of like, this is an innovative new idea, which is like a purpose-based group chat.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
That's so nice, dude. I want to maybe do that for men.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
What's it called again? Capitalism is awesome.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Like Paul Muskell or something?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
What's up, Rachel? Welcome to the show.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I feel like that's attainable and achievable.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Okay, that's nice. Maybe Fran Lebowitz?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I just looked it up. I looked it up recently.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
No, you don't. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
But maybe that's what's contributing to the erectile dysfunction. Yeah. Because that's what happens with erectile dysfunction. You put so much pressure on yourself to perform and then your pee-pee doesn't work.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
No, I'm saying that I'm using it as a metaphor for executive dysfunction.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Because you have so much pressure and you're like, oh, I can't accomplish this small task because I'm going to fail.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
And so you don't fuck. You don't fuck life.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I have another idea. Maybe every morning... So what I do in the morning is I listen to a lot of music. But it's big. And my wife hates it because it's loud. But I'll be really full blast Apex Twin or Charlie XCX party music in the morning. And it gets me hyped up for the day. And I'm so excited to start it. Maybe you could put on Wolf of Wall Street.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
what's up everyone it's your boy karim rahma host of subway takes and subway takes the podcast amongst other various shows i have a really really really great guest for you today her name is rachel koster i've already recorded the episode so this is me telling you what we talked about already but stay tuned because we talk about her take which is that there should be no more group chats which i think i 100 disagreed with because i happen to love
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Of course. That's actually what the show is for.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Do you put that on in the morning?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I mean, mine's really bad. Mine's like eight hours plus.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
So that's when we can expect the best of Rachel Koster?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
When you turn 35? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so right now it's 2025, the year. I don't know how old you are and you don't have to say, but let's give or take like a decade.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
So that's how long we have to the Rachel Koster project.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I'm very supportive of you, by the way. I think that you're great and you have a nice soul and you're a very nice person. So whenever you need my advice or tips, you know where to find me. And guess what's funny? Zach Schiffman, it's been 10... Did he text back? No, he hasn't texted back and he's not going to. He's literally not going to. But I bet if you texted him one-on-one, he would respond.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I don't know. He has a vendetta against me.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I think Shiffrin has a vendetta against me.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
And what inspired this? Were you watching that guy, the Austin?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
No, I'm not. I was wondering if you were watching the videos of that big buff, that jacked guy. He's black and he puts the ice packs on his face and Sarasota water. What's it called? Saratoga waters and stuff.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
No, no, but you kind of alluded to this in the take. Yes.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I thought you were inspired by him.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Do you have a herniated disc or something?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I'm sorry that happened. So it only flares up. It always kind of hurts and it's always kind of weak. But then I had the worst flare up ever last summer in August where I was vacationing and I pretty much collapsed and I couldn't walk or stand up and I thought I was paralyzed. So I went to the ER and they gave me opioids and I was like, oh, I could easily get addicted to these. I love them.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I want more. Do you know where I can get opioids?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
No, it has to be like a body doctor.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
No, you have opioids? I'll buy them from you.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
So you thought about it a little bit more and you found a solution, which is that group chats can exist, but there needs to be an expiration date.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Being regular is one of the joys. When you're not, it's almost like when you are sick on your deathbed and you're like, man, I wish I would have taken advantage of when I was healthy. That's what being blocked up is like.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Wait, so this buffness journey.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
So it started, like, a year ago?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I'm just eating every meal of salad. It's not awful because I've actually now started to enjoy salads.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Because they're fun and creative.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I might just do it for the piss.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Oh, that's nice. I like that. I'll do it for the piss and the shit.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
The problem with that is I don't make my salads. I've never made a salad. I've never actually made anything except for scrambled eggs in the morning.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
That's how I've been for 13 years. Unless I have a girlfriend or a wife who is willing and able to assist me in making my meals, which they've been happy to sometimes. I don't force them. Let me be clear here. They cook because they feel like it and they enjoy cooking, not because I am like, you have to be a good wife. But my current wife is a great cook.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Last night she made me a bowl with salmon.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
And it was like a proper bowl. It was like I went to dig in.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Well, man, man, chefs are sex, like man cooks. Like I have a friend who I was talking to on the phone. He was like, oh, I got to go. I got to cook for my child or my children. He has two children. And I was like, damn, you're the chef in the house. He's like, yeah. I was like, what are you making? He's like, oh, one of them wants fried rice and the other one wants like gourmet mac and cheese.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
And I was like, you're going to make two meals. And then and then he's like, yeah, and then I'm going to cook for my wife. And I was like, damn, this dude is fucking sick. And I got really inspired.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
This was about three months ago.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I don't know if anyone else says vanish mode. I feel like I invented that.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Do you know what the secret is? They add citric salt.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
And it's fucking good. It makes it like tangy a little bit.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
What is that? What does it taste like? It tastes like umami. It's umami.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
What if I just carried a little jar of that in my pocket?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Like Hillary, when Hillary Clinton had that hot sauce.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I think that was the American government being like, Asian food is bad. Don't eat it.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Was it on the menu? Did it say MSG?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I only know one restaurant in Ridgewood. It's called Rolo's.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
My wife is asking me to buy her some serum right now and I completely forgot and I was supposed to do it earlier today. I was supposed to go to the store called Blue Mercury to get SkinCeuticals CE Ferulic Serum.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I have to find it. Where do I go? It's one in the West Village.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
That's too far because right now I'm in Chinatown and I have to go to Windsor Terrace, which is by Park Slope. So I'm going to make her do the job of finding me a location. Okay, I want to do takes on takes.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
But did you call it vanish mode? That's the thing. No, that's my creation. That's my creation.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Takes on takes is your take on other people's takes.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
What do you mean you're going to reflect? I'm going to give you the taste.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Okay, the first place you wash in the shower says everything about you.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I'm a conditioner-only guy. But wait, look. You wash the chest.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
It's amazing. I'm a little concerned with what you said about your generation, which is that your generation doesn't know how to use technology. Is that true? I feel like your generation is pretty good at phones, but it seems like you might be an outlier.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
No. I feel like girls get really mad if you don't wash your legs.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Do you have a wash rag or a brush or a loofah?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
So I put conditioner in my hair immediately when I enter the shower and I leave it in for about 7 to 10 minutes. and then I wash it out, and there's no residue.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
The cough cast. Cough cast with Rachel Koster. It's so gross. It's not your fault. It's not. It's God's fault.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Okay, every man should have to wear a Speedo to the beach at least once.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
What if somebody has a small winkle?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
You don't think winkles are a problem?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Yeah, but everyone's mean to small penises and short people.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
And you're nice to men with small weewees?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Oh my goodness. It's hard to know. Your true colors have come out.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Okay, that's good. Because I feel like they deserve that respect.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Let me see here. How about this one? I think ranch can kind of go with everything.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Yeah, that's nice. I feel like a lot of restaurants don't have ranch.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I don't know if it's better than mayo.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Because I like dipping my fries in mayo and then a little bit of ketchup.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
That is a very Parisian, but I thought they're mustard dippers.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
They eat French fries with mustard.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I mean, no, I don't know if that's actually true. Well, I don't know if that's actually true. Anything as a dating app?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Is this something more? And she was like, I actually think it is. And then they slept together.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I think it's awesome. What's that?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
No, it was an informational interview. But I think the informational interview was an excuse to go on a coffee date, which I think it's a little creepy.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Okay, last one. If somebody's not willing to take a train, cab, bus to your borough, they're just not that into you.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Beautiful. Well, feel better. Yeah.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Thank you for coming on the show, even though you had a wicked cough.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
It's not a big deal, I don't think. Rachel, where can people find you?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Find her on the streets. Go see her do stand up whenever the fuck it is. Follow her on Instagram. That's where you'll see flyers for shows. Rachel Koster, thank you so much for coming on the show. And you, you know, good luck with those surfaces.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Well, we can leave this part in the podcast and I'll say, Rachel, it's been great having you on the show.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Great. Now we have a new ending to the episode.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
adobe create or whatever um is that what is that the app that you use under i mean that is one of the challenges of phone is is signing documents unless it's a docusign docusign makes it easy this is not sponsored by docusign but when i get a lot of docusigns and it just you just press a button and it automatically adds your signature
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Especially when it's loose. Yes. Like the loose PDF.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
What is executive dysfunction? That's a new term.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
the group chat. I think the group chat is where memes are farmed and created. You know, I wake up in the morning at 6 a.m. I've got memes loaded into several of my group chats. And I know it's going to be a great day. So I disagree with her on that. But we'll hear why she, you know, wants to change that.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
So it's a real thing. I'm looking it up on the internet right now. It's a literal disorder. It's like a disorder.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I'm a task master. I fucking love, I am a lover of tasks.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
That's not true, but it is very kind.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
But don't you think it feels so good to complete a task?
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
There's like a method. I have a methodology. Yeah, I used to be on that because I also have some forms of whatever. What are they called? Neurological diseases? Something like that. I have some sort of bad thing and I have ADHD and I got prescribed and I did Adderall and it worked and it worked really well and it made me a taskmaster.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
But then I got off it and I continued to be a taskmaster because what happens is I get a hit of dopamine. Especially the executive stuff, the executive functions. For me, I have a list and it's like, drop this off at the post office. And it feels so fucking good. And I reward myself with a martini after I do it. One little task, martini. Another little task, little donut.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Another little task, matcha latte. So I end up spending a lot of money, but my tasks are complete.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Do you have a to-do list? No to-do list.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
You need one note. You need a master note.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
We also talk about vanish mode, which is a phrase that I've coined on this podcast right now and maybe will become the name of my production company. We talk about executive dysfunction, something I wasn't aware of before. It's not erectile dysfunction, but it does function as a way to erectile dysfunction. We talk about West Village Girlies. I'm pro-West Village Girlie.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Well, Connecticut is like the Switzerland of the East Coast.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Oh, my God. If I would have been to boarding school, I would have also probably been really thin.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Oh, that's, that's interesting. I don't like when they do drugs when they're young.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I feel like those are bad on your own.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
That's when you were doing lines and now you do, now you do probably do a little toot in there. I call them toots.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Let me get a little toot. And so you moved out. How many roommates did you used to have?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
You know, they used to call those efficiencies.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Exactly. But do you have an in-unit washer and dryer?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Yeah, you have to graduate to that.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
There's a pro to that. That is one less surface. When I was younger, I used to limit that amount of surfaces in my homes. No coffee table, no side tables. The only surface I had was a counter because then I knew that I wouldn't collect clutter.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I don't know if you guys are. We talk about group chat dynamics, our boy Zach Schiffman, herniated discs, and cooking. So stay tuned. Listen to the whole episode. It's a good time. Here we go. I'm putting on my favorite radio voice. Does it sound like... I think it sounds like a radio voice. I have a very, very funny and apparently a Luddite of a guest. She's a stand-up comedian.
SubwayTakes
"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
You're in your Carrie Bradshaw era.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
I'm assuming you live in Brooklyn.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
You're not a West Village girlie.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Why don't you just start that?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
You're just walking down the street and all of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm in this group now?
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Oh my goodness. This has never happened to me.
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"There should be no more group chats!" with Rachel Coster
Oh, okay. I should win an award for that. Wait, I'm supportive of the West Village Grill. I don't know what other people's takes are. I read the article. I didn't read anyone's takes. I don't know the comments. I don't know what the discourse is. But I'm proud of them for being themselves even if themselves are the same.
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
So what's your take? My take is, it has to do with restaurants. Waiters and restaurants. At some point in the modern era, I feel like waiters started to get trained by corporate consultants. And they started to say this one phrase that I find disgusting. And they say it. What is it? It's mostly kind of corporate restaurants that do it.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
That's super nice. Can I ask you a question? Who do you think corrected him? Do you think he caught it later? He saw the show. He was like, oh, wait. Went to the Instagram page. He was like, oh, when's the episode going to go live? And he checked it. He was like, oh, shit. It says Subway Takes with Kareem Rama. I've been calling him sharing.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
He's not doing bits with you is what you're saying.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
He was like you. Was he asking you? I'm not that serious. I guess I'm sort of serious. You're pretty serious.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
no no i like a respectful wise ass what else you got what else what other takes do you have the other take i had was similar to food which is that in movies or commercials i really do not like to see people eat at all i don't want to see like those carl jr commercials where like the hot girls like biting into a cheeseburger things are dripping out of it it's like
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Right, right. You're like, I don't want to be the guy that's just a Subway guy.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Yeah, you're like the second most famous Subway guy after Jared. Who's Jared? Jared, footlong Jared. Jared, I lost half my bodice and now I have big pants.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
No, I mean, that's... I do think he's... Like, you brought up...
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
I did, yeah. I guess he's probably still in jail. Anyways.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Because they were just like, oh, this is trash food or it was like fast food.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
no no they were like it's a sandwich like we have sandwiches at home we have sandwiches at home yeah yeah but they don't have all the I mean who doesn't have lettuce yeah but you don't have all the other special things like oh do you want the jalapenos oh do you want the olives you don't have like 20 options for like additional flavorings at home you don't have that at home no one has that at home
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
I mean, I've honey mustard at home, but I don't have like twenty different toppings. That's crazy.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
I don't know, man. There's probably like a three or four in the rotation. There's three or four. I literally just ate Jimmy John's this past weekend, which is crazy in Albany.
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
No, I'm not. I'm a Vito. I'm a Vito, actually.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Vito is more of like an Italian kind of sub situation.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
I'm not walking around with like oil and vinegar in the crib. Not in the way that they do it.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
There's a lot of work to leave the house to have to go get that stuff and bring it home. There's a lot of work.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Do you feel like that was a good life lesson? It's not a very abundance mindset. It's a very scarcity mindset. My dad's mindset or mine? Well, his, where he's like, oh, you got to load up. It's like, what if you don't want shrimp?
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Look, my theory is that the Sifu Tower is the adult man's ordering bottle service at the club. Because everyone sees it come out. The Balthazar is so big. There should be sparklers. Girls can't bring it out. People should be clapping. Holding a sign, maybe. That is very good. It's like, oh my God, I spent $500 on seafood.
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
riley repelling i'm gonna 100 disagree with that really i like when i see people eat that's awful and that thing they do in all those cooking shows like i don't want to know no that's so you don't watch any cooking shows on tv no i mean cooking and then i like i literally like on those commercials come on i'll put my hand over the tv so i don't have to see the food going in the mouth whoa i know it's a weird thing what bothers you the most the mouth
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Yeah. I've seen you, I've seen you not actually go out of your way to not even touch it.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
you have yeah i have like when we get the balthazar you like you're like oh i'm good like i don't even want to like figure out how to divvy this up you guys can have more than your portion of clams or of every of clams like i i know actually it's funny because we've done this so many times i actually know what you dig into and i know the stuff that you avoid i'm like oh shit like cream doesn't really like the clams like this is a textural thing i don't know but do you eat the clams i do yeah i do i mean i think the clams are probably the the not the crowd favorite right
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
They're going to judge me that I'm not rolling deep.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Right. So she didn't view it as the flex that you hoped. You were looking for a validation, basically. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
So basically, everyone in your family thinks you're tacky. All right, go on.
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Well, to be fair, you're picking up the entire tab, right? So you're not even divvying up. That's how well you're doing.
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Yeah, when you just can pick up tabs and you don't even worry about how things are going to do. Well, bottom line is this, by the way. If you're doing really well, you're not even splitting the tab. You're just picking up the tab. You're not even trying to figure out.
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
It's just something about like, there's something disgusting about it. I don't know. It's also too intimate. You should do it in private. Yeah, well, you wouldn't stare in someone's mouth while they're eating at a table, right? How's everything tasting?
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
they pick up the whole tab yeah they pick up the whole thing no questions asked no they're just like not and this is a casual no special occasion no nothing nothing celebrating they're just like oh i got this i'm like okay but why are they doing that i don't know just because they're like it's faster just to get out of the restaurant or they just want to be generous i actually have no idea i've never asked
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Yeah, of course. Well, that's just a way. If you didn't, that would make you uncivilized. A loser. Yeah. It would make you a loser. On the $4.50 takeout order, though, do you tip on that? Yeah, there's tip. But you're not tipping 20% on that, are you?
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Yeah. When you got home, did you put it... Because I'm going to ask you this because it's a nice order you got. Do you put that on plates? and serve it up and display it so it's like a meal at home? Or are you just like, fuck it, I'm going to eat out of the container like an absolute savage? What do you do?
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Oh, you door dashed this. I thought you went and picked it up yourself.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Yeah, what happened? You came back a few days early. I was actually very surprised by that.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
That's the gripe for you is, yeah, no matter where you are in Miami, I guess you got to shell out. But the problem is everything is expensive. But if you go someplace else, it's just going to be boring. The people are going to, I guess, even worse. I don't know. Like, where is there good weather in the U.S. that the people aren't terrible? Virginia Beach. I've never been there.
SubwayTakes
John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
I can't really comment. I've never been there. West Palm Beach. I've never been there. I've never been there either. I mean, you're still in Florida, right? It's kind of going to be the same vibe. Yeah, but Florida's tight. I guess. Florida's from there. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I'm going to the Caribbean in a couple days, so I'm excited for that. What are you going to do? Just chill, man.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
chill vibe sounds boring so that's exactly that's what i'm looking for man there's where i'm going there's literally only two restaurants one does breakfast and dinner and the other one does lunch and that's it i'm gonna do that for four straight days same places same places i don't know i'm not where are you going i'm going to wait is it a resort no it's like a thing
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Because it's kind of chill, man. I'm not going to lie.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
I would go there. It's my kind of place. It's funny you say that. I was just talking to my dad on the phone. I was like, I'm going to Turks and Caicos. And then five minutes later he goes, wait, where did you say you're going? You're going to Turkey? I was like, no, dog. I'm not going to Turkey, man. I mean, he's right. He is right. He's always right. That's what I've learned in my old age.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
Well, as a kid, I was kind of terrified of them, because my mom would be like, get your hand away from there, your coat will get caught, and then you'll be shredded.
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John C. Reilly Doesn't Like Food Videos | Uncut
The specific island I'm going to is South Caicos.
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Well, that'll be fun. That'll be fun. Are you bringing the child? Nah, it's just me and the lady. A little babymoon action. That's nice. Hopefully we don't have to come back early the way you guys did. Apparently, you guys come back early on a lot of trips is what I realized. Do we? Yeah, I don't know. You guys came back early from Cuba, came back early from Florida.
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That makes sense. No child left behind unless you're Kareem's daughter.
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Podcasts won't be around when she's 21. What's going to happen when she turns 21? What are they going to be listening to? Some fucking new shit. Oh, that sounds exciting.
SubwayTakes
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Potentially. I mean, look, are we all getting to the point where content is just going to be zapped into your brain and there's no listening, there's no headphones, there's no screens, maybe? Who knows? Exactly. That's kind of dystopian, though. I don't want to think about that.
SubwayTakes
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don't know i don't know that's what i'm gonna sound like when i'm 150 they're like oh man fucking kareem's washed and old i'm gonna be 150 well that sounds uh dude i don't want to live that long man you actually want that i don't want that I don't want that.
SubwayTakes
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Yeah, that was exciting. I think it's good. Yeah, dude, what's his face? He really cleaned up. He won everything. Sean Baker. Yeah, he literally won everything.
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wasn't it best original screenplay too did he also write it direct best writer best director best editor and then the last thing is um I don't know it doesn't say here
SubwayTakes
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I've seen a couple of little kids get pretty close to wiping out. But there's no room to suck you into the gears, right? They would just kind of like slowly churn you at the top. Here. Is this the right way? I don't know if we went the right way. Oh, we got to go back downstairs. We got to go back downstairs. So have you ever eaten in a movie? No, that's another thing I find...
SubwayTakes
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By the way, to get best editor on top of that, that's the one that's so impressive. Editing is sick. It's so hard. He's like Anthony.
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I'm sure. It's a big win for indie cinema. It is a big win. That's what everyone says. Everyone's going to start a production company.
SubwayTakes
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I'll be honest, I actually didn't watch it. Did you watch the Oscars? I watched a number of hours. Including like the red carpet stuff or just the ceremony?
SubwayTakes
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Who do you think was dressed the most swaggy?
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But it's like, they come up to the table after they serve you food, you start to eat. And then they go, how's everything tasting? Yeah. 100% agree. Right?
SubwayTakes
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You kind of bullied me into doing it. I mean, you needed it. Yeah, yeah. You needed it. Yeah, also it's funny. We were talking about it. I guess people don't know who I am, but I'm Andrew.
SubwayTakes
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And me and Karim created this show called Subway Takes. And it makes sense now, I guess, to have an Instagram handle for that very reason. Right? That's the only reason why. I've got seven followers, which I think is pretty big. I mean, you're a producer. I'm a producer. I should probably get a picture. Maybe I'll get a picture. Should I put my picture on there?
SubwayTakes
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Oh, just the avatar? The gray avatar? Yeah. That's not bad.
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I do have a picture of my desk, but I don't have a picture of myself. Oh, no, no, no.
SubwayTakes
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How many followers do you think I can get in a month? I think a lot. How does that work? You're the mastermind behind this operation. How do I get more followers?
SubwayTakes
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By the way, how long have we been recording for? We're trying to get this to... Oh, we're done. Are we done? We're more than done. It's 28 minutes. Okay, and so the John C. Reilly episode is like 12? That's not... How many minutes do you want? I think podcasts are 40 minutes or something. So that would be around 40 minutes. We got it. Is there anything else we want to add? I don't think so.
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I'm kind of bummed to be missing out on the shoots this week, actually. We have good shoots coming up. Really good shoots. And I really want to see what this sort of new format of Subway Takes Uncut looks like.
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No, that's what I'm excited about. I want to see it when the magic happens. And I'm only going to be able to see it in the post.
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Am I? I'm not trying to. How much closer do I need to get to this microphone?
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This feels so aggressive. It's so close to my face.
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Yeah, but that... Is that comfortable for 30 minutes to be completely stationary like this?
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I mean, I tried it. You mean like when you're watching a movie at the theater?
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Yeah. I think you have a better setup than me. I just have this like lonely stand and you've got like this crazy dynamic.
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I should have been doing this the whole time. Is this sound better?
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Well, I'm glad we did get better equipment. This is so much better, I think, for the listener. Last week was rough.
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Yeah. By the way, you remember when Dale was like, oh, I think the audio is corrupted. Can you guys figure out what happened with the file? And he's like, oh, wait, I looked at the video that came with the audio file and it's just because Kareem is recording the episode while he's laying on his bed crunched up. He's like, oh, wait, that's why the audio is terrible.
SubwayTakes
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And I feel bad. And you know what's even worse is watching people brush their teeth on camera. Okay, I don't like that at all. I hate it. I think that's disgusting. And some people really, some actors really relish it. Like they get into it like in their gums and shit. Like I just don't want to see that. I don't want to see that either. I see you're wearing this nice suit. Thank you.
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Yeah, for sure. What's Amoletto, by the way?
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And how long is the cut for... It's long. It's like 30 minutes. Oh, so you guys... It's like a real thing. Maybe 25 minutes. Okay.
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You're going to be a really fun, famous person. Like when you're famous, famous.
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Yeah, in a cool way. Because you'll be like a chill guy about it, I think.
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Yeah, you're just going to pop up in places and you're just having fun all the time.
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You're going to be a Joe's Crab like every day.
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I'm excited for it, man. Please don't email me. Don't text me. I won't. Don't CC me on anything.
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Oh, I can't close the app after, right? That corrupts the whole thing?
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Okay, just end and then it uploads or something. Wait, what button? Is it this button? Okay, bye.
SubwayTakes
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What's up with that? Well, I have to do some other press appearances today, Shareem, so... And you decided... I would have worn something a little cooler for you. No, no, you look awesome. And what about the hat? Are you a hat guy? I am a hat man. You're a hat man? Yeah. A hat man. It's kind of an actor cliche to be into hats, but I am.
SubwayTakes
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I would rather be overdressed than underdressed. Yeah. And I think there's been kind of a thing that's happened somehow in the world. Like, if you look at photographs from, like, the 1940s, like, every man has a suit, a tie, and a hat on. And granted, maybe that was a little oppressive for them at the time. But now it's gone the other way.
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Like, you get in an airplane, and, like, someone's literally in their pajamas.
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I'm like, get out of my fucking mouth. This is an intimate space. I don't want you to ask about how things are tasting. How is everything? You like, how is everything? Yeah, it's fine. You like, how's everything going? Yeah, it's good to check in. Can I get you anything? Yeah. That's okay. Or even, you know, is everything good? But the other really annoying one is, how are the first bites? Oh.
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You're in public. When I travel, you know what I wear?
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there you go if I'm going to LA a jacket if I'm going to Rome you wore a suit today too I wear a suit everyday I think it's cool to wear a suit I like to wear a suit when I'm not going to work yeah and then people are like why are you wearing a suit I'm like I like it yeah cause you like you have self esteem you know listen I'm a feminist I'm a ride or die feminist that's good but the yoga pants have got to stop the yoga pants have got to go for yoga class great
SubwayTakes
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But out on the street, I don't know. It just seems like it's an extension of the pajamas on the plane. I agree. I'm glad you're comfortable, but I don't know. Can't we all just make an effort a little bit?
SubwayTakes
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Right, like a taxi driver in Rome is going to have a sweater vest. Yeah, a nice one. Or something, and a buttoned shirt underneath that. Tell me about the new show. Oh, my new show is called Mr. Romantic. It's a beautiful name. And it's kind of like my character from Chicago, the musical Mr. Cellophane. But it's all about...
SubwayTakes
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I realized like the world needs more empathy and I decided it was going to start with me. And so I made this show called Mr. Romantic. He's like this mythical character comes out of a steamer trunk. And tries to fall in love with someone in the audience so that he doesn't have to go back into the steamer truck. Like a genie. Kind of like a genie, but like a genie desperate for love.
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That's beautiful. And it's been going great. I sing all these really romantic songs.
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How long have you been singing? Well, if you saw Chicago the Musical. I didn't. I didn't. Well, Oscar thought I was a pretty good singer. I was nominated for an Oscar for that movie.
SubwayTakes
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You know, I have a really short shelf life for my own films. I watch them once, and then I'm done.
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One and done. No. Actually, they had a screening of that recently, and I watched it for charity with Will. So I've seen that one twice.
SubwayTakes
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And then in Step Brothers... I don't know how buff I am. Yeah, you're buff. In that movie, you're really buff. I'm gnarly in that one. Yeah, to me, comedy and drama are the same thing, really. It's just the circumstances of what you're doing change. If the circumstances are ridiculous and you're acting serious, then you're in a comedy. But what I do is pretty much the same.
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I just try to go to that place of truth and honesty. The more you double down on truth and honesty for a ridiculous concept, the funnier it gets.
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I was an executive producer on that show, and I think it's one of my finest achievements.
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Yeah, I guess Steve would probably like more friends. He just has Denny. But... But that's how you get in touch with Steve, actually. You have to fax Denny, and then Denny pages Steve. And it takes a long time. And then the doc shows up. He's kind of an elusive character, yeah. What's the last movie you saw? The last movie I saw was Anora. Great film. Yeah, I really loved it. Fantastic film.
SubwayTakes
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What the hell is that? How are the first bites?
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Come on, you knew that Russian guy was going to let you down. Wait, which one? The party boy. Oh, no, I didn't know that. I mean, he seemed really sweet and genuine, and maybe he would have had the strength if the henchman didn't come for him. Oh, this is my stop. Well, this is your stop, too. I have one more hot take.
SubwayTakes
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I mean, hot takes is like another way of saying complaints. No, they don't have to. This is also a complaint, which is leaf blowers. They've become the bane of our existence. Leaf blowers. Leaf blowers. You like good old-fashioned rakes. People used to use rakes. It used to be much quieter.
SubwayTakes
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And now there's this epidemic where you're not a good housekeeper unless you've got dudes outside using gas-powered... This I 100% agree with.
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That's the number one rule of parenting. Never wake a baby. Never wake a sleeping baby. Well, I'll let you go. I got to go. You got to go? I do too, yeah. Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.
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Yeah, it's a hard labor job. Did I bring frazzled energy to the session? Is that what's happening?
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And what's out of 10? I haven't had a chance to listen to it.
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Well, can I ask you, do you think Isabel actually exists or is it just like a thing, his muse? No, she's definitely real. She's definitely real.
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Yeah, is it empowering? I guess it's sort of empowering, right? Just live your truth.
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Well, even if the restaurant wasn't about personality and vibe, at least you would have a personal connection with the person who was serving the food, right? They would have a genuine interaction with you. Like, look at you, see what's going on with you, and give some kind of organic response. Not a pre-programmed line... How's everything tasting?
SubwayTakes
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No, yeah. Well, I mean, ladyboys is not the right term, obviously, right? In 2025, we're not, you can't say that.
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Yeah, that feels specific to that culture, though. I think in, I don't know, in the post-Trump,
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Why do you think I have to move my bodice? Because the table doesn't get any closer than this. How's this?
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This sure is the worst designed product. Should we start all over again? What's happening?
SubwayTakes
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Well, this is the new shit, and they put too much technology in it, and now it's hard to use.
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Don't you think it's quite funny? I thought it was funny. I thought it was really funny when he kept on calling you Shereem.
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I kind of think you look like a Shurim. That's fucked up. I mean, you could be a Shurim.
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I mean, our editor caught it and was like, oh, do you want to keep this in the episode?
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And my son's like totally goof on me all the time now because we'll be having a great meal, you know, sitting at a restaurant and then the person will double back for the tasting and I'll go, my son's always like sort of cracking up. Those are good sons though. Those are good sons because they make fun of you. Exactly. Right?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I mean, the biggest issue is you got to cut an even number because I don't think I think people just like even numbers like 50. Like it was 48 and then they added two to make it 50. If it was 49, that would seem off, wouldn't it? Yeah. You got to get an even number in it. I know zero.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Right, four. Yeah, I guess that adolescent show that came out with that. That was four.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
If you don't know the capital, it's probably not worth keeping.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
If you ask Americans, that's like half the country would go. They wouldn't know the capital.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That's nice. Yeah. That's nice. That's acknowledging a complexity of identity, which I would not keep. But that's nice that you feel... There's two separate entities that we combine into one, and I am just Dakota. It's almost like a land acknowledgment.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
It's the same logic. It's like we're not giving the land back, but we will acknowledge publicly that it is stolen. We're not going to change the Dakota situation, but we'll acknowledge there was two at one point.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Oh.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Plus, I feel there's redundancy. It just doesn't make sense. As a person that believes in some kind of logic, like, why do you got an East and a West when you... You can just put them together. And North and South Dakota doesn't make... Rhode Island never made sense to me. It's so small. So you're telling me that and Wyoming are both states, that and California are both states? Right.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Vermont, New Hampshire, one state. I don't know why they're two states. It's one piece of land. We're not in a Hispaniola situation. Okay, one state. Washington and Oregon, one state. Okay, one state. Okay, this gets a little tricky now. We sell Alaska to Canada. in exchange for British Columbia, which expands the Northwest, right? And then we get a little bit of Ontario that has Toronto in it.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
It doesn't make any sense. And then the lack of population. You're telling me you get two senators and New York gets two senators, really? Wyoming and New York are on equal footing? Why?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Diversity of what?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That's very funny.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
It's more organic how those states came to be, as opposed to like, this is a parcel of land and we're... Is that what happened in the East? I think that's more of what happened in the middle of the country and on the West Coast. You're like shaping things based on natural like land masses and rivers as well as like there are states that are fairly square like.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Maybe I don't know enough about Rhode Island. It just does not feel distinct enough. It feels like, is it that different than Massachusetts and Connecticut? No. No, right?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah. Jersey's not really the same guys as some of those other states. Jersey has more personality, doesn't it? I guess because of its proximity to New York. Oh, yeah.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah, that's right. That was mentioned, too. New York and New Jersey being one state. I don't know how I feel about that.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah, it looks more amoeba-like.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
So we're conquering all of a sudden? We're not conquering, we're trading. It's Drake for oil. Now we're up to 41 states. We still got one more to go. Which one? We let Hawaii choose whether it wants to be independent or not.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Yet there's no Carolina, South Carolina. It's just that. Then we're making a distinction.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Well, it should be West of Virginia. The state should be called West of Virginia.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Based on the name?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Different barbecue cultures.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Who cares, though?
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
A little bit, right?
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
It just doesn't make any sense. Like, Vermont and New Hampshire, there was a lot of pushback. Like, no, they're not the same thing. And I'm like, get out of here. Like, I get it. Like, New Hampshire is, like, conservative. Vermont's liberal. But they're right next to each other. Like, just Thanksgiving that shit. Do you know what I mean?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
If they choose to stay in the union, then we make Connecticut a highway.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Just, like, straight up get your liberal and your conservative family together and let them fight it out. But that's one state. You can't just pretend they're two different states. It's the same land. That's why the Hispaniola example, like Hispaniola, you got two distinct places. You got the Dominican and you got Haiti.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Those are two different cultures, two histories, two colonizers, like Vermont and New Hampshire, Vermont and New Hampshire.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Mirror images.
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That's the landmass that Haiti... Haiti and the Dominican are on the same landmass. It's one island. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. Yeah, and it's split. And so the French took a side and then the Spanish took a side. Wow. So that's the Dominican is the Spanish side and Haiti is the... It's the same landmass. No, no, I know. That's crazy.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Do you know that Haiti is still paying France... Reparations? Do you know that? That's insane. Yeah, Haiti is paying France reparations because of the revolution where they overturned France. They claim that the slaveholders lost money and wealth. And so Haiti, and now I think they're just paying interest at this point, had to pay off reparations to France.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah. So all I'm saying is New Hampshire and Vermont don't have that baggage.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Ah, yeah. Yeah. Do you know what it is? I forgot Delaware existed, which is the irony of Delaware, right? Because Delaware maybe doesn't need to exist. What's the point? Joe Biden is from there. Who cares? But, like, I forgot they existed. You can't cut a place if you keep forgetting they exist.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Then we have to cut another 10, another 9 at that point. That's a lot of work, man.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
But it was an accident. I mean, the thing with Delaware, the Delaware's value basically is that corporations set up their businesses in Delaware for tax reasons, I think.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
You mean if we combine Delaware and Maryland, you're saying?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I mean, that's what was suggested in the comments. I mean, I guess we could do that, and then I could free either Virginia or I could re-split the Virginias or re-split the Carolinas if that is that important to people.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah, all of them at some point someone disagreed with, for sure. And the whole premise also was disagreed with.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
You know, that's not a bad idea.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Beautiful, beautiful part of the country, but not really multiple states. One state.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I mean, Wyoming is one state. Look at that land mass. It's not that the populations are so huge in those places. Like, if you add Massachusetts in, the population is really getting up there. But those three states together, that makes sense.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah.
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Do people call it that? I don't know. I mean, somebody's going to make a t-shirt now. Florida, America's cock.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Oh, that's an interesting... Wow. Yeah. I mean, what they're saying is Montana is significantly less racist than Idaho.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Well, I mean, they're not inaccurate with their assessment of there's a lot of that in Idaho. But to be given to Florida, you know what? Okay, I'll throw Montana in on that Alaska deal. Give it to Canada. If we're getting BC and we're getting Ontario, a good chunk of Ontario, I'll throw in Montana. What the hell? It's not bad. People said I misnumbered them.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I cut too many states, which I don't think is true.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Oh, that it was going to go that viral? No. I don't assume anything I'm going to do is going to be successful. It was a nice surprise.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Why do people argue with the premise? It's clearly a ridiculous premise.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I just don't understand why anybody would say that you should cut 10 states because it's a video on the internet.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That was a New York Times article, too. So basically they're saying fuck Asians? Is that what they're saying?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Man, that's a stupid take. I'm sorry. Do you not go into your Asian friends? I don't think my Asian friends should entertain guests. If I can't leave my shoes that have stepped in poop all over their carpets. How do you live that way? Do you keep them on in the bed too?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Okay, that's your issue. You dealt with something in childhood regarding feet. There's no other explanation for that. That's ridiculous.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I agree. I agree.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
should not be allowed to entertain so they're a british person huh uh that immediately brings up india that brings that they were they were probably all those british soldiers were all up in people's homes with their shoes on yeah of course they were all these different they're just they're like they couldn't they didn't take the shoes off that's a mindset colonial mindset that's a colonial mindset dude they don't care
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
And the colonial mindset says, I know it's your house, but fuck it, that's not the way I do it. That is the colonial mindset. If you're saying that I have to do something that I wouldn't normally do, you shouldn't be allowed to exist. Then throw your parties. Amen. I don't like that one bit. I don't like that one bit, Kareem. Well, the thing is, a lot of people were like... Oh, who was it?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
It felt good.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Oh, thank God.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Because I want my heart to break if it was Emma Mackey. No, no, no, no. It was just like a normal person.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
What?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Was it J.K. Rowling? Was that the author? Oh, man. First the trans thing, now this. This is, it's going at it. It wasn't her.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That one should go viral big time because that is a gutsy thing to say. That's absurd.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Did you say street rat? Please tell me.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Calling a posh person a street rat, that's well done, Karina.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
But she works independently? She can't get fired?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah, I think if that's your goal, it definitely had that. And also, it was so compelling, a random stranger decided to jump into the video not thinking it was a video, which is just, that's an unexpected home run right there. Who would have thought that would have happened?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Why can't I step on all your nice things with my filthy feet? I don't understand with my shoes on. I don't. All these nice things you've collected, why can't I just literally trample over them?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I do that sometimes, too. It's not a good thing.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
And the bed's right there, right behind me. Of course.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
What about wearing? Wearing outside clothes. Yeah. They change their outside clothes before they get into bed. Yeah. And the logic being because their clothes have been outside and they're filthy and they don't want that into their bed. Yet the shoes thing? Well, the clothes are the shoes of the body.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Or the shoes are the clothes of the feet. Yes.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
You sleep under the blanket.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Well, you found a way to get around, yeah.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Also, I mean, again, living in New York, you're sitting on subway seats, like, pumping into people. There's all sorts of who knows what.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
that's what I do with my kid that's funny I do that with my kid but I myself don't do that regularly that's because you're an adult man it's a bummer because I'm doing the right thing for him but I'm not modeling the behavior well you're too busy changing him I think it should be socially acceptable to sit next to somebody when you go out to eat instead of across huh But how do you talk to them?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I guess you'd be talking closely, right?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Hell, on the subway, I'm usually sitting next to my friend. I'm not sitting across from them.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Do people do that?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
It's probably a white thing. Dad plus the shoe thing. Man, there's something going on there. I think they do weird things.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah, per day probably.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Probably buying socks every single day. I mean, if I could afford it, I would. I really would. I wear very nice socks. The ones I'm wearing right now have rocket ships on them.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
No, I've never been to Paris.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That's amazing.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
It's also a great way to people watch and talk shit.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
It's set up for you to judge others and talk shit.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I'm very critical of the French, but I'm not going to say shit about that. I like that very much.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Dude, I mean, I already told you about the whole thing with Haiti and France.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That whole thing with the reparations. Also, the Burka laws, the anti-Burka laws and all that.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I know just enough to appear smart, but I know that they banned headscarves in a lot of places in France. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what did you call it? The what? Burqa ban.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I just hate that every fashion week in Paris, you see the most odd, basically abstract art clothes, and they look absurd. But if somebody with love in their heart chooses to wear something... as a sign of their faith? Nah, we don't like that. If you're wearing that for fashion, we're all about it. But if you have an actual belief behind it, no way, bro. That's not how we do it here.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
What can you do? They don't like beliefs. Cheese is great, though. They're really good with cheese.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I'm... I'm pro. For the sake of not being weird, I'd sit across from them. But I don't see it as that big a deal to sit next to them.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
All right, 100%. I'll go 100%. I'm all in.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I was more surprised that, I mean, first of all, when he said, why are you talking into your MetroCards? It was very bizarre. Like these two weirdos are talking into their MetroCards and you decided to interrupt two weirdos talking into their MetroCards. He had no idea it was being recorded, but.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
No, these are nuanced topics. They're not really possible. They involve a great deal of discussion. You're asking for a yes or no. That's very difficult.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I don't, because it's 100%. Have to? I don't like the have to. Did he say have to or should? He said should, and now it's on YouTube. Oh, now that's interesting.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Huh. I remember in the episode you defined butt stuff.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
You could be something you do to yourself.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
If it was to do to myself for the sake of experimentation, I...
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
But I know the sensation feels good in that example, as opposed to... True. I really... I mean, I understand Nick's point. Like, Nick's point is that we're so close-minded to our sexuality, and also it is a way to actually question homophobia, because you don't know what you like if you haven't tried it. And so there is something to...
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
If straight men actually try it and like the sensation, that would probably affect how they feel about, you know, their sexuality and sexuality in general.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I'm 42, though. I feel like this is something I should have done many years ago.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
You broke your arm? The wrist just stopped working, and I had to have surgery for it.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That already tells you these are two very strange people if you think we're just talking into our MetroCards for no clear reason.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
No. I'm telling you. That's why the butt stuff might not be a good idea, because God knows what's going to happen. I tore calf muscles playing pickleball shortly after I turned 40. Pickleball. That is not a sport you should be tearing calf muscles.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That's true. Yeah, it's really for elderly people. I thought I was going to dominate, and that's why I wanted to play because I've never been good at sports. But I'm like, I'm playing a bunch of 80-year-olds. I'm the young stud in town, and they kicked my ass. They were very good.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Okay, that's good to know.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I think Nick really, because initially when Nick said it, I'm like, come on, Nick, come on. What are you talking about? But then when you really think about it, it does kind of force you to think about sexuality in a way that maybe a lot of men don't want to think about it. A lot of straight men don't want to think about something that they perceive as gay.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Oh, I remember the whole metrosexual thing. Yeah, that's when everybody was so homophobic, they came up with the term to justify it. To be what they wanted to be, to dress the way they wanted to dress. Or to be homophobic.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Metrosexual, what that does is that gives you the freedom to wear what you want without being called gay. That's so funny. I'm not gay, I'm metrosexual.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
It was a way around it.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
People were too uncomfortable. And it's clear they had to make it a city thing. Yeah, they made it urban. Cities are gay. That's basically what they're saying.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
They don't use that anymore. Is that still a used term?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
And heterosexual. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Metrosexual?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Oh. cool that's the best thing a simpson did in 94 no the simpsons all right i was because oj what happened in 94
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
oh yeah that was a i mean that was arguably cool not the murder no not the murder just as a ridiculous thing that happened no the chase was cool oh i mean it wasn't cool it was so slow yeah but it was that's why it was cool it was like a cartoon it was it was and i just remember trying to watch the next game and i'm like i just want to watch the next game right now and i gotta
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
We're seeing OJ Simpson. Somebody I didn't even know other than as an announcer because I was like 12. This announcer, guy from the Naked Gun, might kill himself.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Al Cowlings. I wish I didn't know these things. Who's that? Al Cowlings is a football buddy of OJ's and he was driving the car and OJ might have had a gun to his head or threatened to kill himself. And... AC was just going for, I don't know why they went for a ride.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Ah, man. Imagine living a whole life and that's the thing that you're known for?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah. I feel like, based on everything I know, and as a layman, he must be guilty. But somebody... suggested that maybe he was innocent and it was his son that did it. So he's covering for his kid almost.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That would be an interesting term. But he also released a book called If I Did It, where he laid out what it would have been like if he had, in fact, did it. Killed his ex-wife.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah. Gotta get that money. I'm not saying I did it, but if I did do it, I would do all the things everyone assumed I did.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Oh, man. It's gonna be hard to top the state one, huh?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I gotta think. Let me think, man. I don't know if I have another take on me right now. Fresh take? Like, just spur of the moment? I don't have one on me.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Can I bum a take? Give me a take I can steal.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I don't have any on me right now. Literally. As a comedian, this is especially bad, since I should probably have joke ideas.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I'm looking at my threads, and I remember I don't really update my threads. Do you know what happened to me today, though?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
And it's like, sir, there are cameras behind you, clearly. He goes, oh! What is this, New York? People just filming things constantly on the subway? I've never been on the internet before.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
A white dude in a... Well, I was walking my four-year-old. I was walking with my kid, walking with my four-year-old. A white dude in a car rolled down his window and called me a fucking baboon. What?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
And then started making monkey noises and drove away.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
My first thought is I need to shave. No, I mean, I was. That's my take. My take is that that should be punishable by death.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
And I'm against the death penalty, by the way. I'm against the death penalty.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Just that one guy. Oh, okay, just him. Just that one guy who had the audacity to ruin my day by yelling that in front of my kid.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I think he might have been an open-minded bigot. Sometimes racists surprise me in how they hate people of color in a universal way. I don't think they always rank. Right, right, right.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Usually, I mean, because historically, like Sand Edward was like the big one. Classic. Post 9-11, that was the one I got the most. But even that one, it was like saying, I hate you, but only in comparison to my hatred of black people.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
We didn't have our own fresh new slur, really.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
They're not checking.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
They're not doing the 23andMe before they yell out of a car. They're not asking, hey, what part of the world are you from? Is there sand there? Like, you know, it's not. Southern India is tropical.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That's true.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yes.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Man, you know what? This podcast has something for everybody. If you're against racism, hey, this is the podcast. If you're for racism, this is the kind of discussion that I'm sure racists have. Like, who is this? Who is the sandiest of the Sand Edwards? Let's think about this.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I just got a take. I just have a take.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Tanning salons should have to be taxed some percentage that goes to people of color for stealing their color.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yes, that's... You're just darkening people up. You didn't ask us. We have the dark skin. It's the real deal. And we get taxed through racism.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
So where's our cut?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
How much of a difference does it make?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah, man. I'm doing a big show at the Gramercy on May 29th, which I want everybody there. And then Houston on May 30th and 31st at the Punchline. And when does this come out, man? Is this coming out this week? I think next week. Or no, this week. If it comes out this week, I'm going to be in Baltimore on the 3rd of April at the Creative Alliance. So those are the big gigs coming up.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
But for the New York people, like May 29th, baby, that's going to be a fun show. May 29th at the Gramercy. Amazing. Well, where can people follow you? You can follow me at Hari Kondabolu. So what you do is you type in Hari and K. That's H-A-R-I. H-A-R-I-K. And then you'll see Hari Kondabolu because I don't think you're going to be able to spell it.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
So just go with Hari K and then let them fill in the blank for you. Let the gods guide you. Yes.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
It's been a pleasure. It's been wonderful.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That's my brother. And that's my sister. That's wild.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Let's see. Do I have any regrets with regards to the subway take?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I didn't address Florida, which I regret because that's the obvious one, which it was in the original version of the Subway take, which I've since posted because I made sure to run it once. As a comic, we just tend to run things once before we put ideas out there. It was Floribama. The idea was to put Florida and Alabama together versus Florida, Alabama and Mississippi.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
But then I just felt guilty adding Florida's baggage to another state. It just felt not right. They're their own entity. And then I was stuck because I chose not to cut states off, but to try to put states together. So Florida was just there. I should have sold Florida back to Spain. I think that's probably what I should have done.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah, it looks like we could cut America's dick off.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That's an insane take. That is an insane take.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I think it's easier to build the island than to remove a peninsula like that.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I mean, if there was ever a time for something like that, it would be now. I feel like everything's on the tape. That's one thing I have some regret over, too. I wish I had thought about my take in the larger context of the country, because people started putting in the comments... What are you working for Trump? Trump would love this.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
And I thought about later, I'm like, this doesn't sound like a doge plan, doesn't it? It sounds like a way to save money.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Now Greenland's like, it's all the rage.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I mean, right there, it seems like that's a no-go. I don't think Denmark does. I don't believe Denmark does. Is that who owns Greenland? Yes, or at least has the control of it, whatever.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I guess, yeah. Like, they have their own government and stuff like that. Yeah, I suppose so. It's very bizarre. It is very bizarre that we're making this an issue. Like, why are we talking about... Like, why is Trump going after Greenland, exactly? He says it's strategic?
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah, but based on that, you want to put the U.S. Army everywhere. Well, it is everywhere. It is everywhere. Usually you don't strategically put it like, oh, right in front of our allies.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Is it Star Trek or ASAP?
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Live long and prosper, Star Trek.
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Yeah, but I'm also thinking like. ASAP fans who are Trekkies, that's a cross section.
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
100% agree. All right, we start out with Dakota. We don't need two Dakotas. South and North Dakota are one Dakota now. And still, that's me being nice.
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
And also, it was pointed out that me saying I want the part of Ontario with Toronto is actually where the most population is. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like taking the best part. It's like saying, yeah, you can take the bun. I'll take the hot dog.
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
You don't want the meaty innards?
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Really?
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
I just think Toronto is a dope city, and I would love to own that. Oh, I sound Trumpian. I do sound... Holy crap. I didn't know I had that in me. That's straight up Trump talk right there. You got that dog in you.
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
That's still barely a state, but fine. One Carolina.
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Sure. Well, it came from my dear friend W. Kamau Bell and I have had this ongoing argument for years. Because he believes that the NBA is too big and we should be cutting like half the teams. in order to make a better league.
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Three gone right there. Number four, Rhode Island. It's a vestigial organ off of Massachusetts. You're going to cut it off? It has to go back to Massachusetts. Oh, it's being absorbed. Yep. Alabama, Mississippi, one state.
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
And I'm like, you can't just cut, because you're talking about communities, you're talking about traditions, like it would screw everything up and no one, they're going to expand, they're not going to shrink. But he's convinced they need to cut certain teams. And I've argued with him for years that I just applied that logic to states.
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
What if we had the same ridiculous argument, except in a situation that's even less likely, which is the United States of America. People seem to be pretty good with combining the Dakotas. They were fine with that. The Carolinas, they were upset about because they felt like South Carolina was drastically different from North Carolina. I've been to both. I get what they're saying, but I don't care.
SubwayTakes
"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
Oh, there's definitely going to be issues. Yeah, without a doubt. The West Virginia, Virginia one, there's some history there, and there's a larger history that kind of is like, yeah, I guess I get why they're separate.
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"There are too many states in America! We need to get rid of ten!!" with Hari Kondabolu
They wouldn't even know. There are not enough people to know. Wasn't there a North? It changes nothing.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
They really are. I found out about the Japanese eggplant. Oh, well, listen, well, I mean, the actual Japanese eggplant, but also for the for the kind of clarity of what we were doing. I've also seen those two. I've also seen Japanese. It wasn't even wasn't even pixelated.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
It was awesome. Listen, you can bring it back. I don't hate it. But tell me who gets the wide brim. We can call it the Nashville.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Okay, and that's just white people, white boys, white women?
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Okay, where's the stagecoach?
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Do you understand how many pheasants are going around assless because of Cam Newton? Come on.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
He's got a lot going on. Okay, so we got these hats.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
What's crazy is he wears all his hats and we still know he's bald. He's been bald from the jump. He's never had hair.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
He's never not been bald. I think... I would argue he's probably bald when he came out. That's how babies work.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Hell yeah, you heard it here first. Put on a thong, straight boys.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
No. Old English gentleman can wear it.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I even think, you know who I'm going to say? I'm going to say if it's a Kangol and you are Samuel L. Jackson, go.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
My friend, my friend Mandel, who's getting he's not as old as me, but he's getting on up there. He started rocking the newsboy. He started rocking the newsboy short sleeve button up linen shirts, linen pants, fisherman sandals. It's a complete look and I don't hate it. And it's one I'm going to revisit come 45.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I literally go into the white. Listen, this is why we get along. A lot of a lot of people don't. think that queer men and straight men can get along when it comes to fashion because they think gay boys are going to call straight boys ugly and they think that straight boys are going to call gay boys correct. They think that's gonna happen. But look at us, building bridges, creating alliances.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Forming unions.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
And huge fan of both the social media series and the podcast, now that I'm on here. And my first response to Jordan is, did he see the comments, what people were saying about his outfit? Yeah.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Is it... It's a little... So it is skinnier and I think it has marbling. I think it's like one of the pretty ones.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Did he see what people said about his textured jacket? That's my first thought. My second thought is he's not 100% wrong because everyone thinks every gay man is a style icon and they forget a lot of gay guys dress like they're going to or coming from kickball. We...
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
There is a type of gay that loves a drawstring backpack on clouds, that weird cut of shorts where it's just like the seven inchers, the nine inchers.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
and uh fucking is that long or short i feel like that's long that's long but it's not long enough or baggy enough to actually be a fun silhouette it's just it's mid in every way it's mid thigh it's mid and you belong in the midwest if you wear some shit like that no hate no hate no hate we love chicago i'm not talking about you minneapolis i'm not talking about you cleveland i am talking about you
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
cincinnati cincinnati you're just kentucky the ohio river is doing a lot of work cincinnati well to our seven listeners in uh cincinnati i'm very sorry for yeah what jay's talking yeah talking a little shit fuck you and joe burrow i said it i said it that boy went to lsu i don't care about him don't be mean to them Okay, you're right. Joe Burrow's cute. I've always said this about Joe Burrow.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
My favorite lesbian.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Joe Burrow, he's a quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals. Do you like how I said I don't know what that is because I thought it was a city? You said I don't know what that is about Joe Burrow.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You thought it was Joe Burrow, like Jonesboro.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
What's Joe Burrow? Joe Burrow, where's that? I don't know. Wait, so this is a guy? This is a guy. Every now and then, he takes a big fashion swing. Wait, why do you know Joe Burrow? Because I love college football. Oh. He was a big college football player for LSU. Then he got drafted by the Bengals, took him to one Super Bowl. He's good. He's a good quarterback. This funky-ass white boy?
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
This funky-ass white boy. Yeah.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Oh, my God. That's a great description of him, too.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Listen, I love a funky-ass white boy that stays in his lane. That's kind of like the problem. Perfect. Whenever you see, whenever I'm on TikTok and I see a white boy adding a guitar solo to a song, I'm like, hell yeah. Keep going. You do what you were born to do. Add another one. Yeah, add another one. That's beautiful. Listen, I want them doing that. I don't want them listening to Fresh and Fit.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I... First of all, love anime. But... But my... my take on penises, and this is a take on your take, my take, penises, they're like three versions of your penis. Have you thought about this?
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I want them doing that instead. I don't want them talking about how they need to be alphas. You go ahead and shred. Get some licks in.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
that's what i want out of them go ahead and shred that's how we get a pop punk renaissance is we give these white boys these guitars wait speaking of a pop punk renaissance i discovered this band called paradox the paradox from atlanta they're oh my god sick oh my god those are oh my god boys yeah people on tiktok are calling them uh black 182 and i do i do laugh a lot at that
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Four little black teenagers with locks just like... Jamming. And I love it so much. Hit it.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Okay, so black people love pop punk because I'm trying to think, oh, Pete Wentz, half Jamaican. People don't know this. Pete Wentz, half Jamaican. That's why black people love Fall Out Boy. Because we heard something in Fall Out Boy. It's not just Patrick Stump's vocals because he spent so much time in Chicago. We know why he can sing like that.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
There are three versions of your penis. I only know two. Okay. You know, okay. It's the default settings. I know soft and I know hard. Okay. But there's a magical place. The chub? In between. Soft and hard. Not just the chub. What I would refer to it as coming up, summertime penises.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I mean, what kind of like low key? Do you want there to be a Fall Out Boy song called Wagwan? Is that what you need?
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Or Snow. Remember Snow? You want Pete Wentz to say, me don't do them things there. You want that? I do. I would like that. I would like that.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
He doesn't need to get dreads or anything, but I didn't know that.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah, black people love pop punk primarily because at that time, we still had a little bit of monoculture. So if you were a black kid who woke up and had to get ready for school, you were watching MTV or MTV2. And they would give you like you get one rap video, one pop video, one pop punk video, one alternative video. You would just get you would get all of it. So that's why.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
That's why we love My Chemical Romance. My Chemical Romance loves black people so much, they named their second album, what? The Black Parade. When I talked to Gerard Way, he said he was going to call it the African American Parade, but I told him, no, no. Say black.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Black Parade History Month. Come on.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You got a point. What's the first song from My Chemical Romance? I'm Not Okay. That was about
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
crazy you are literally just being like what are they saying about me yeah you watching cnn is like me being like who said what that's not crazy no it's just i just have it on in the house it's either on mute or it's it's loud and i'm not watching but okay if it's on you you are an arab dad are you walking around arms folded standing up watching it of course yeah okay
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
In the summer, your penis, because of the heat of New York City and because of the amount of hot people outside, it's always a little bigger. It's always a little thicker. So this is the time to wear the Speedo, which was my take.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Oh, my God.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yes.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I'm sure there's like a DJ there. I love that concept. I will definitely investigate now. But let's go back to... You're watching it on mute. Okay, you... No, no, the MTV Classics I've got popping. No, but the CNN is on mute. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm going to need you to get your fisherman sandals and your short-sleeved linen shirt now.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You're there. You're there and...
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
We are at that age now when someone, I'm about to be 37, when my friends and or I do anything kind of older now, it's not an outlier. It's become the rule, not the exception.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I think it's beautiful. You have two choices.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Well, listen, I do have an okay body, but the old man, every now and then... You think that like you are going to be able to sprint to something. You know, when you see the amount of time every now and then there's a subway that has a sign outside of the actual entrance and you go, oh, the train's coming in like a minute. Let me go ahead and just sprint.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
And you sprint and you go, whoa, haven't done that in a while. Wow, wow, wow. Shouldn't have done it. Should have waited for next. The next train is coming in four minutes. Why'd I run?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Hearing a train going, I'm not going to make that. Hearing it is funny. I hear it and I go, whatever. I'm not going to run. What if I trip? Yeah, what if you trip? That is number one.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Number one cause of actual foot injuries among people our age is like, oh, I just kind of stepped weird. What? And that was broken. What? Your doctor will be like, you have a hairline fracture. What happened? Well, I kind of stomped.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I didn't wear my inserts.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Hey! What other old attributes are you rocking with? Let's look on the desk. I have a, oh my God. One actually happened very recently. This is, I actually skipped middle age and I went to elder care and I'm having to take note of this. I went to get something to eat. I was in the airport. I grabbed a napkin, I used that napkin and was about to throw it away.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
So what's your take? Every man should have to wear a Speedo to the beach at least once. Compulsory service, you have to wear a Speedo at least once. I've never done it, and I'll never do it. Why? Are you scared? Of course. No, you shouldn't be scared. You hear that? You hear that?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
But then I was like, oh, let me look and see if I can clean off my glasses with this napkin. Cut to 15 minutes later, Kareem, I'm still holding this napkin. I have become an old person that had a napkin.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I just had a paper towel situation walking around the airport wow at that point give me a chair to push me to my gate and wait and you were just holding this thing i held prepared prepared to wipe that's too oh i can't be there yet i can't i got to the delta lounge too early they told me i was too early i complained a little they let my old ass in
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
They said, sir, it's usually like three hours before the flight. This was in Atlanta. Also, I know I'm getting older because I go, okay, here's a nice one. This is the secret one in the cut. They got a new one. I'll tell you. You can tell your listeners. Actually, I'll do your listening this time. If you're ever going, if you ever fly Delta, Jackson-Hartsfield International, D-Gate, new Sky Club.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Brand new Sky Club. Go to it. It was so new. They had three extra very nice Atlanta black women there waiting. They didn't know what to do.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
They didn't even have enough guests. It's just me and Tisha saying what's up. So go to D-Gate. D-Gate, that's a good one. Okay, here's a secret one. Oh, I actually love people putting up. So if you go to... is it's A Gates by the P.F. Chang that's up the escalator. That Delta Sky Club has a skylight, had some amazing pulled pork and green beans and macaroni and cheese when I was there.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
That's a good one. That's a very good one. Some of the other ones, the T Gate one, Not so much. And I love you. I love Delta. You know, the play's been going up and coming down lately.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
That's the sound of thousands of women in the comment section saying, we're scared, but we have to be negative at the beach. Bruv.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You can play about anything. They'll go, we'll give you some money.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
That's a good fucking deal. And guess what? You are not even like really complaining. You're just letting them know. You're like, well, just so you know. Just so you know. Because every now and then, I won't even like do chat GPT. I'll go straight to that little conversation bubble on the app. I'll go. You go right in. I go, I have like a two-hour delay. And they go, let's do something about this.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Because here's the thing.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
No, no, no. A guy like me is not packing heat. Guess what? Guess what? We're going to see it anyway. Whenever you wear baggy swim trunks and they get wet and you get out of the pool, we see it anyway. No, you don't. No one sees it. There's nothing to see. We've all seen it. There's nothing to see. And plus, people aren't even looking at that.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
But you know what's beautiful about that? I love the fact that we can have these mixed class relationships.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Wait.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
yeah there's also there's also something to I think there is something to being aware that at least when it comes to flying in America and out of America there are different levels of experience and like you can save a lot of money like that was not always gonna have the cheapest flights but experiencing a little bit of comfort and being treated a little bit more like a human instead of
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Get off of her. Let her go. Yeah, stop fucking. She's gorgeous. I know you want to put another baby in her. Leave her alone.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Too many.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You're looking? Of course I'm looking. Okay, so this is an internal fear. Ooh, you got to conquer that. No. Wear a speedo. I'm looking around.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah, yeah. And when they strap two of those kids to the wings, you just know. You save a little bit of money so you can go to Orlando and blow it all. Yeah. They're not going to remember. Kids aren't going to remember. They don't remember the flights. No, it doesn't matter. Actually, I can say this because I don't have any kids and the CPS can't come for me. Drug them. With what? Robitussin?
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
A little bit of codeine. Robitussin. Yeah. Whatever knocks the kids out.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Benadryl. You're from the South. Yeah, have your kids double cupped up. Take your kids to Houston. Do you have a codeine plug in New York? I do not have a codeine plug. My drug of choice currently is edibles and mushroom microdose chocolate that I have from this summer that I'm trying to eat before it goes bad.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Good. Let them old people trip. Guess what? I did some mushrooms and listening to Chaka Khan. And then you know what I did? I sent all of my grandbabies $5.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Hey, don't, don't. I'll do some cake. I'll do some cake. Every now and then, I'll do some. Get it up.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Get it on up. I'll do a little bit of cake. But, you know, Elon took all mine. No. I think that drugs are... When you're in your 30s and you're doing a little bit of drugs, you've actually... We're just not drinking as hard as the 30-year-olds that we knew. That's the trade-off.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. This is a good script. Read out the script again.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Drink as much alcohol as you want. In fact, daddy's going to drink right now.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Comparison is a thief of joy. Imagine a world where we can all wear Speedos at least once and go, okay, that wasn't for me, but I got to experience it. If America wants public transit, if America wants universal health care, where are those things? Europe. What do they do in Europe? Speedos. That's what we're missing. Why are you advocating for this? Number one, I want people to be free.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Daddy was stressed. He doesn't need the couch to move. Okay. Yeah.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
yeah daddy daddy's about to relax and have a couple scotch some scotch whiskey i mean i last night i went to a cocktail bar in harlem and one of the people with me my husband and my friend went oh you're married i am oh my goodness congratulations yeah i love that dude i didn't know yeah he's a good he's a good guy he doesn't like when i call him dude he's that kind of gay he goes don't ever call me dude i go and then you know what i say i go
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
My God. He goes, that's worse. Stop it. That is worse. I say, well, bro, what do you want me to call you? He says, if you ever. He's a fancy gay.
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“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Can't call him dude, bro. Baby, love. Oh, hey, love. Gary. He doesn't like Gary.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
His name is Garrison. Gary is what he would... If I wanted to piss him off, I would call him Gary. He's cute enough that Gary can work. I usually call him Gare. I love him. I love him so much. He's a good man. He kind of plans everything. And so like, whenever you go, oh, Jay, you seem so put together. Oh, Jay, if you ever see me in something cute, it was approved. You ever see me looking good?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
He definitely got a text and was like, is this cute?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
To me, well, because plot twist, a reference twist. So I'm bi. I have a joke in my set where I say, Jay, how are you a bi man in a gay marriage? The same way you're a dumb ass in this premise. So it's always one of those things where as a bi man, I married a beautiful, lovely man. And then people go, Jay, but does that mean you can never be satisfied? I was like, there's so much porn out there.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Also, I'm an adult. I can kiss who I want.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You don't know about that? I mean. Oh, Kareem, I forgot. You can't kiss who you want. I can't.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Whoa. Yeah. And speedos.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
It's a superpower.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Hell yeah.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I don't agree with that. Okay, shit. I'm not going to put the lesbians – I'm not going to move their letter to the back. Those ladies do a lot of hard work, mostly carpentry. No, they don't go to the back.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
No. Well, you can be a bi lady. Okay, wow.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Number two, I'm greedy. I want to see it.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
five to ten years we shuffle the letters well depending on who is most persecuted in the month okay this is i actually love that idea thank you very much it will make people gonna have to reprint a lot of shirts that's okay no no because it'll be vintage it's like oh remember when when it was lgbtq and then all of a sudden it's blg and then the other you're saying treated the way sports sports teams have like different uniforms
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
people go i'm 65 you're right i do hate poor people i forgot what what i'm talking about how when the idea that like some older people are like oh i forgot oh yeah mexicans piss me off and you go
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You can't trust queer people. This isn't some secret LGBTQ plot. This is a very public plot. I want to see it. We're all thinking about it. Objectify men. Objectify men. Objectify more men. That's what 2025 is all about. Get naked now.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
they don't the forgetful racist they go there's something there's something about this guy what was i gonna i definitely want i want small government but what was the other thing that was really mexicans i almost forgot Those damn Mexicans. Listen, I like Mexico. I love Mexico. I'm actually very... I went to Mexico. I went to Mexico City.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I've been to the Yucatan, but I went to Mexico City for my friend's bachelor party. A bunch of gay boys. We went to Mexico City. I had a ball. I had too much fun because then there is a thought as an American. Where you go? What if I stayed? And I went, oh!
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
hot Mexican gay boys and while they do not represent all of Mexican culture they do take up a majority of my thoughts about it okay not me you can put okay watch this it could be BLM Bi, lesbian, Mexican, GT, gay, trans, or BLMTG. BLMTG. I like that.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah, yeah. This is nice. There it is.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
BLM, Black Lives Matter. Oh, and bi, lesbian, Mexicans. By us, for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For us, by us. I miss FUBU. It's back. Did you know? No. Okay, so it's back in a little... So, like, it came back a little bit secondary market. And then you know who really started rocking it again? Speaking of lesbians, Billie Eilish.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Billie Eilish had, I think, one FUBU jersey on. Billie Eilish was kind of dressed like she was, like, a supporting character on Smart Guy for a couple of shows.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Well, I mean, Billie Eilish's style was very urban, was very kind of 2000s street wear.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah, yeah. For us, by us.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
They're talking about Billie Eilish.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I'm buying new. I want some of the vintage.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
But where are you seeing the classic FUBU jerseys?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah. I mean, I'm down. We should go in on it. How do we... This is what I want to say.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
They do have a lot of good... Whoa, no. Look, I went to men's jerseys. Zero products in this collection. What are they doing? What's happening? Did you just buy them all? Wait, why are there zero products in this collection?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
No, the jersey was iconic. I remember people would show up to middle school. And later on high school, but in middle school, if you have more than three FUBU jerseys, I was like, God, what's it like to sell drugs? You were rich. I was like, please tell me. I was like, hey man, front me a brick. I'll slang it. I'll flip it. I'll cut it up. I'll cook it up. I'll sell crack, please.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
My mom said, Jay, you get two FUBU jerseys. I had one platinum FUBU jersey. That was gray and white. And it was a huge deal. I remember I wore it one time and I was like, well, can't wear it again for a month. I hope everyone saw it. I got to school early, stayed late that day. I said, y'all going to see this?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You remember when you were in high school, you'd be outside of classrooms. You'd be like, y'all see this?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah. Who has a disposable camera? Where's a couple clicks on this?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Wow. When I tell you I have a yearbook photo where I'm wearing a striped polo shirt, I want to say with... A striped polo.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Hey, don't you ever insult me like this. We were having a good time. We were having a great time. Not purple. I was a teenager. Come on. Just classic Ralph. Just that Ralph. It ain't Ralph, though. It was yellow, blue, black. I look like a goddamn bumblebee. Red horse. And this, this is the wildest part of it. Front tuck. Tucked in. Tucked into the front of the pants.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
The jeans, probably Abercrombie or Hollister. And I want to say boat shoes. And you couldn't tell me I wasn't the freshest motherfucker on campus. I took a picture of that. I said, y'all better catch this.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
But Jon Hamm is not what you need to be. In a Speedo, the most beautiful images in a Speedo are about uniformity and a bunch of other things. It's not sometimes a comically large Speedo. And this is kind of like, I don't know, Greek antiquity of me. Sometimes when a penis, when a bulge in a Speedo is so big, it's distracting. That's funnier than it's sexy. Have we thought about this?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
that's listen that was young okay so that was the young dro era okay you know shoulderling okay young bro so dro who was part of pimp squad with ti grand hustle dro made dro and kanye made every black boy who was kind of in love with hip-hop they turned all of us into preppy kids yeah because kanye kanye Came with the rugbies and a couple of double polos and a Louis Vuitton backpack.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
He's doing other stuff now. I don't know if you're up there on Kanye, but now he's sucking his cousin's dick.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
That song is good, by the way. Sucking your cousin's dick.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Kareem.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Kareem, it can't be. Why not? No, I mean. One day they're going to play that in court. You can't.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
No.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
He was older than the cousin. Oh.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
The cousin was much younger than him.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You play the instrumental? Yes. That's what you play? That's your version? Yes. By instrumental, you just mean you do this the whole time? La, la, la, la, la, la, la. I just like the sounds. You can't suck your much younger cousin's dick and stay cousins. I didn't know the cousin was younger, bro, okay? I don't like the song anymore. At that point, Kanye, you're not a cousin. You're an uncle.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You're sucking someone's dick younger than you. It's a bad song.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
i hate it no but kanye had us like rocking a lot of polo i mean i i remember that was like also i would i worked a job and i would like buy lacoste and i'd be like well it's gone like a paycheck would just be gone because i'll be like i got to come correct i think at one point this is actually very crazy i think at one point i think at one point
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Cameron mentioned one brand of shoes, and me and my friends went to go see if we could get the shoes. They were these very expensive boat shoes. I think it was these like, oh my God, what the fuck were they called? I remember looking at them. Sperry's? Were they Sperry's? They weren't Sperry's. No, Sperry's. Sperry's. How pedestrian. Sperry's. Come on, man.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I was cutting my grass in Sperry's, okay? Donald J. Pliner. What the fuck is that? I want to say Donald J. Yeah, Donald J. Pliners. These are tight. These motherfuckers. Ooh, the mule is nice. Like, exactly. Wow. Why? Why did we know about these? Because Cameron said it. Those rappers, they were putting so many little things in my head. God.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I mean, though. So like my entire kind of fashion. my introduction to menswear was usually through rap and through media and then when i was in college i started getting the like gq you remember details details was gq sister magazine and then details was the gay one gq was the normal one details was the gay one and then details got gayer and then it got sent away
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah. Well, because like when everyone became metrosexual, details would say stuff like, and they'd be like, wait, what? Wait a second. Details? I just came here so I could smell Armani code in one of these pages. Oh, do they still do that?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Free smells. I love the free smells. Do you understand how many times I was like, thank you, Polo Green. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
That was the best.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
We haven't thought about this. There are some times when a Speedo bulge is silly big. There's a whole, was it Propyrus? Propyrus? There's the Greek god that has the huge penis. I don't know about him. Oh my goodness. No, no, no. It actually is so funny because... He's the only one? No, Priapus, the Greek god, he's associated with fertility and male genitalia.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Damn, son. That's a fun little jab. That's an Easter egg.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
100% disagree.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I'm just the normal. Yeah. Stop. You dropped off a lot this way.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I want to be like one of the... I'm bi, so I'm a crossover. Oh, like a Nissan Rube. I'm a hatchback.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
yeah that's also a lot of tall people a lot of tall people at one point could dunk at a certain height dunking is easier than you think i just don't want to dunk now because of what we said about the foot exactly i'll break my fucking back if i try to dunk yeah he got he has a daughter let him live yeah let me live i'm not dunking i'm playing i'm trying to like put a ball in a mini hoop and
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
i don't think that's true i don't think that i 100 disagree only because i i've met some monsters and here's the crazy part they're still poor and not famous and they act like that do you know what i mean do you know what i mean i do a poor monster what is happening and i mean i feel like a lot of monsters are poor in spirit yeah and and financially and financially
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
If he would have said, I think all babies, I think babies at least 15 minutes out are all good, I'd agree. Me too. There's something that happens in that first 15 minutes for them babies.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Because of what hospital they're born in.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I know Harkness.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Guess what? 100% agree. 100% agree. This is how I hit on girls at bars now. I kiss my husband, and I look at her, and I go, could have been you. And then she goes, it should be me. And then we kiss, and my husband says, we have to leave. Yeah, you share a little kiss. We share a little kiss. My boy's got a long leech. Yeah, this is what Harkness said that the best way to get girls is to be gay.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I would, while I 100% agree, I would add be a little gay and by a little, just a little gay. There has to just be a thing. That softens you and also lets women know there's going to be shared interest. Be a little gay. Be a little gossipy. Understand details. Just these things that are.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Watch reality television. Have a favorite housewife, but also have a least favorite housewife. Moisturize your face. Moisturize your face. Clip your fingernails. This is even crazier. Clip your toenails. Even crazier. Maybe have someone else do it.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Being a little gay. I mean, being a little gay. also will let a girl feel special because then she goes whoo he's a little gay but he's still with me because a lot of people know this so being a little gay and being with a girl is actually such a testament to that girl's power because the sexual economy in gay land is insane the only thing i can compare it to i went to mexico city
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
But he was the, he was basically a joke. So his penis was so big, bigger than his body. They have all these like little tchotchkes and little figurines of him where his penis is, his penis is like in a wheelbarrow. It's like that.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I was like, oh, I'm a millionaire. That's how it feels. That's how it feels when you go gay. Oh, there's no tariffs. Tariffs? Maybe they're giving it away. You thought Delta gave you $250? You understand what Delta flight attendants are giving you? They're giving you everything.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah, they got subsidies. They subsidies nuts. That's what they do. They subsidize Nets. Oh, man. There is a gaping chasm. There is an unfillable canyon.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
in some of these gay boys oh man and you're you're just like you're you're bungee jumping down there so to stay with the woman when you could be out here really kind of being debaucherous a level of debauchery that i can only describe as bacchanalian that sounds nice that's but but if you love your girl you're like listen i'm a little gay but i love my girl and i'm gonna stick with it You get it.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I don't even want to see your DMs, Kareem. But I know. I know there's so many men who go, Kareem, please. They go, I know you said you're not gay. Just keep the sunglasses on the whole time. Please.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
He's happily... I'm happily married. He's happily married. But these gay boys... I'm going to tell you what my gay friends have said about you. Do you understand?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Oh, my goodness.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
100% agree. That's it. That's right. 100% agree. I'm from Mississippi. I just filmed my comedy special in New Orleans. I'm wearing a shirt that says New Orleans right now. Everyone has to spend a little bit of time in the South. Not prison, but the South. Where's your favorite place? Okay, Donald Trump is trying to send everyone to the South.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah, Priapus. He actually is also, if you ever have an erection that won't go away, Priapism is named after him. Oh, that's good. Yeah, so he ended up in medical textbooks.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
of here but my favorite place in the south i love jackson mississippi i love new orleans i love atlanta but then smaller cities i love not smaller anymore dallas and houston huge cities actually but in my head i go oh they're smaller than manhattan smaller than los angeles okay houston dallas new orleans these are all like great cities but then you have little pockets people love asheville north carolina i like
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I like Wilmington. I haven't been to Savannah, but I want to go to Savannah. I like Birmingham. I like Tuscaloosa. I like Oxford. Those are two college towns that are insanely fun. Okay.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
If you go to Ole Miss, you go to Oxford, eat at Ajax Diner.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
In New Orleans at the Joy Theater. Beautiful. What's it called? That was like two weeks ago. I can't say anything. It's not out yet? Oh, you just filmed it. Just filmed it. Yeah, Thursday. That's amazing. Congratulations.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I want to promote this. I have nothing. There will be more announcements when I'm allowed to say anything only because the way deadline articles work, I let everything come out when it comes out. And then I go, look at this.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You can find me on all social media at Jay Jordan, J-A-Y-J-U-R-D-E-N. It's Jordan because I think it's Germanic. I don't know. Racism's funny. But yeah, Jay Jordan on all social media. You can watch our episode. Also, because of our episode, because of my Subway takes, I had two different Speedo companies come into my DMs and be like, Jay, we'd love to give you Speedos. Oh, beautiful. Yeah.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Beautiful. And they want to give you some, too. Wait, you should get it for the whole gang, though. Okay.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
They'll do that for sure. You're in the gang, though. I want some for Kareem. Sure.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
No, no, no, no, no.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I want to wear a baggy speedo. No one wants a baggy speedo.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
He's a condition. But that's... I mean, like... that is kind of like the idea that, oh, everyone wants to have this like huge balls in a Speedo. No, you want it to kind of just be reflective of you and the sexiness is a man in the Speedo. The sexiness is a person in the Speedo. That's where the sexiness derives. The sexiness, because the sexiness, Kareem, is seeing your slightly wet curls
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Thank you. This is a dream come true. This was such a delight. Subway takes the podcast. That's what this one officially is.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
This has been wonderful. And we didn't have to kick us off the train this time.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You're a beautiful chest hair in a Speedo. That's what it's the image that is beautiful. It's not no one's just like zoning in. It's what it represents. It's what it represents. It's the freedom. It's the it's honestly right now is the fact that people will be like, well, you can't be American.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I have a couple of opinions on longer swimwear. If you want to do it, do it. Beautiful, do it. It does become cumbersome. I think it doesn't feel good. It clings. It clings. I think a huge similar moment in male swimwear. Daniel Radcliffe coming. Not Daniel Radcliffe. Daniel Radcliffe? No. I don't know. Who came out of the water? Who's James Bond? Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I was thinking about Harry Potter, who also had his penis out in Equus, but on Broadway. But Daniel Craig out of the water, James Bond, not a full speedo, but shorter trunks.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Changed the trajectory of male swimwear.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
That has to be 2008, maybe 2000.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
That bulge, we don't know. We don't know. I know. I'm literally looking at it right now. But you're... I'm telling you, Kareem, I said this on the train in front of strangers. I'll say it again right now. Your bulge is not only enough, it's beautiful because it's your bulge.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yes.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yes, you forgot Taurus. My birthday is coming up. Oh, shit. Congratulations.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Well, he doesn't wear underwear, as we know from the famous video. That thing was awesome. That thing... It was the most... There's only one other video on the internet similar to that, where I've seen someone's penis act as a jack-in-the-box.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
There's another video where a guy is dancing at a wedding in a suit. He kind of spreads his legs open pretty quickly and drops low at the same time, and it It's a full on all around the mulberry bush, the monkey chase, the bam. But I will say this. If you go look up that video right now, I have a suspicion that's some summertime dick.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
and probably i i like i want to talk about the summertime deck okay yeah um i so i've been known if i'm going to wear shorts yeah i'm rocking five inch to seven inch they're short you're a fashionable man i didn't tell you that enough on our episode and i don't think enough people say it but you really be coming with the fits oh thank you so much you have an aesthetic you stick to it
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You know why? Because it deserves to be congratulatory. Make it in this world another year.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
It's this very unstuffy but still fashionable man about town. And I approve. I love it.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Tybalt the cat. I love anyone who can put on an unstructured jacket and make it look really cool. And I've seen you do that a few times. And this is like a genuine compliment. Whenever men...
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
get to play with their style particularly and this is harder a little bit for straight men because gay boys get to try a lot of stuff i know three friends who i was like okay last week was charlie xx this week is cowboy carter i get it you love a theme We don't let as many straight boys play with style. And this is connected to the Speedo.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Like every coming out day, I wish happy coming out day to all of my queer and trans people in my life. Oh, by the way, is that one day? Yeah, there's one day where you're allowed to.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Thank you. That's very sweet of you. I'm happy to be back. Big eggplant. I would say... Above average eggplant, but based on my research over the past 15 years, there are much bigger and just, they're kind of, eggplants are all over the place. They are.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
There's a day where you celebrate the fact that people do come out. And it also is a good day to... investigate feelings and just be happy for people and remind you that certain celebrities you forgot were queer are queer. But on National Coming Out Day, I always wish happy coming out day to all of my queer and trans people in my life and those yet to come and to any straight man trying a new hat.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Yeah, because his friends are going to call him gay.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Okay. And all the other hats have come and gone. No. I feel like I've seen a picture of you in a bucket hat. I feel like you're a liar. Well, yeah, because I'm of color. Okay.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Is that who gets the baseball? That's who gets the bucket hats?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Okay.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
I'm already throwing a monkey wrench. Okay, what about the brown Asians? What about South Asians?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
Ooh, where does the line for the bucket hat stop?
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
You want to know why you're making that correction? Because they kill people. And I want everyone to know if you are Eastern European, you can do whatever you want. I love my kidneys. I don't want you to have them.
SubwayTakes
“Every man should have to wear a speedo to the beach at least once!” with Jay Jurden
They're so cool. They're so strong. Thank you for Luka Donic. You know why he's good at basketball? Cigarettes. Trauma. Oh, cigarettes.