Hilary Silver
Appearances
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
I recently did an episode called how I turn heads over 50 and it's gone somewhat viral. I've had more emails and DMS about it and more listens views and comments on YouTube than any other episode I've done. It sparked a lot of great conversation about how we feel about our appearance and about ourselves and about aging. Some of the comments were related to getting male attention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
It makes sense why some of you went right to thinking about male attention when I spoke about turning heads when I walk into a room. Because from the time that we are little girls, we are conditioned to believe that our worth and our value is derived from external sources.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
We learn that there is a certain way to be in this world and if we are not that, then we will not be accepted, liked, approved of, that we aren't enough or that we won't belong. We learn that our worth is tied to what we achieve And we get praised when we do well and maybe even criticized if we fall short even just a little bit.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
We are encouraged to go with the flow, be nice, don't rock the boat, help others, and be a good girl. It's really all about what will other people think. And there is a lot of pressure on how we look, on our appearance, all so that we can get the guy and therefore we are then deemed lovable and desirable.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
We are only desirable when someone desires us, rather than just believing that we are worthy and desirable because we simply are. Maybe you've heard this. This is what I used to get. Be ladylike. What boy will want to go out with you if you act like that? We are conditioned to please and accommodate and be agreeable. And it has us seeking approval and acceptance and attention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
And that external validation is what makes us worthy and enough. And this is the most diminishing and disempowering message that we can give to girls. It is literally giving our power away. and handing it over to other people and other circumstances that we cannot control. And it's what most of us grew up with, even from well-meaning parents and moms.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
And so then it follows, right, that as we age and our faces change and our bodies change and all the ways that it does, and in ways that we believe society or men or others don't value or find attractive, then therefore we aren't valuable or attractive anymore. We don't deserve the limelight, that we are systematically ignored and we become the invisible woman.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
That's what I talked about on the other episode, so I'll make sure to put the link in the show notes for you. But listen, my friends, this is all total and complete bullshit. All of it. And I just won't have any of it. And I don't want you to buy into it either. It's only real if you believe that it is. And I personally do not see it happening anywhere. And I do not feel it in my life at all.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
Some women thrilled they still get it, others lamenting its loss, and some relieved to be free from it. But here's what's so very interesting about that. Nowhere in that episode did I ever say anything about him. Not once. That episode was not about seeking or desiring male attention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
I'm 52 and I am only just getting started, yet people continue to talk about this. And I'm actually sick of hearing people talk about what society thinks of women or how we are portrayed. No one else gets to decide that for us. We decide that. Jane Fonda, who I actually love, has a quote, women are not forgiven for aging. Robert Redford's lines of distinction are my old age wrinkles.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
But who is not forgiving us? And why do we need forgiving? And says who? Are we not more than half of society, all of us? We allow this to happen and we perpetuate it by buying into it. And then unknowingly, we continue to pass it along to our kids. We are complicit and in collusion and we don't even know it. When you keep telling the same story over and over again, it only reinforces it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
So this has to stop. It stops with you. It stops with me. It stops with us right now. Just stop. We have to stop talking it into existence. Just stop telling the story. period. That is how you change a narrative. You literally stop talking about it and start only talking about the reality that you want to experience instead.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
So there are three very important points that I want you to take away from this conversation today. First, To claim our personal power at any age is to be defiantly committed to being true to ourselves, rejecting the impositions and expectations that we must be a certain way or look a certain way to be good enough or worthy or desirable. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
Your opinion of you is what matters and yours only. You are not here to make other people happy. You are here to make you happy. And you are not here to live a life someone else wants you to live. You are here to live the life you want to live. So stop chasing and seeking and proving your worth. No one else gets to determine that for you. Your worth is already inside of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
It always has been because you were born worthy and you still are. Nothing has changed no matter what you have experienced in this life. When you operate under this assumption, you are impervious to external influences and become completely rejection-proof. You are self-defining and self-determining, an autonomous and fully sovereign being. Isn't that so fucking cool?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
So that leads me to my next point. As we get older, we become what I call fully steeped, like tea. stronger, bolder, and more distinct in flavor, more fully who we are. And it's easier to care less and less about what other people think of us and to be more fully and fearlessly authentically ourselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
It would be nice if this had been the case for us all along, and likely it wasn't for most of us. And we can only hope that the next generation of girls will get to be different. But we have to own this right here and right now. We have something the younger version of ourselves didn't yet have.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
In fact, I specifically made the point that turning heads isn't about needing or seeking attention from anyone, including men. So the conversation today is a very important one.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
The perspective, the wisdom and experience and the confidence and the knowledge of someone who has been there and done that. We carry a sense of certainty if... we give ourselves that credit and we let go of self-doubt. We can see looking back at all that we have learned. It's what we know to be true. And this is sexy and powerful and magnetic and radiant.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
And it's what makes us captivating and alluring if we just rest in the feeling and the knowledge that this is who we are right now. This deep inner satisfaction and peace that comes from knowing we no longer have to try so hard or strive for that approval and validation and that we actually never did. It's how we feel about ourselves for us. I love to say this. I hope it sticks with you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
be irreverent to the fucked up conditioning that our worth and our value comes from what others think of us and that there is a specific way we need to be or look to have value and that we lose our allure, impact, or relevance as we age. It's actually the opposite and we get to decide this and we get what we expect in this life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
Third, I'm going to say it again, turning heads at 50 or 52 or 62 is not about needing or seeking attention, not from men, not from anyone. It's not about who's looking at you. It's about the energy you carry, whether someone is watching or not. It's about knowing you are worthy of being seen and relevant and making an impact because you are important.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
I'm telling you how to claim your own personal power at any age, what it takes for older women to be more magnetic and extraordinary than ever, and yes, how to turn heads when you walk into any room and why that is a good thing. This is a thought revolution, so I hope that you will stick around for some serious badassery. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
You are a gift and you have something to say, that you are valuable and you are beautiful in every way. So it's about walking into a room and knowing you matter. You deserve to be there, that everyone in that room benefits from your presence. And then at the same time, it has nothing to do with them at all. It's just about you believing this for yourself. It's your relationship with you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
You have the power within you to be a force for good, to be a positive influence and to raise the vibration. Your energy is powerful if you claim it. So yes, walk into any room and know that you turn heads, claim your seat on the throne, all hail the queen, and just sit there and radiate your high vibe energy. Yay, I just love this episode today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as I did. Make sure to subscribe. And if you're watching on YouTube, click that bell so you get notified of all my videos so you never miss one. And I will see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How Women Are More Powerful Over 50
Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
If you're meeting me for the first time, what you might not know is that people are shocked when they hear I'm 52. They see my workout video clips and my photos and they want to know, how do you have that body and how do you have those abs? What is your secret to looking so young? What are you doing? Well, I'm not a personal trainer or a fitness influencer or anything like that.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Please, if you saw how the animals were treated, it would be something you would not be able to unsee. And there are so many amazing products on the market that don't test on animals. please just pick one of those products. I switch my products out all the time and I do share with my email list, people who get my newsletters, my favorite product.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So make sure you're subscribed because I do, again, share all of my favorite things with my email list and my newsletter. I just started doing lasers and microneedling treatments in the last year. Everyone says it's great, but when I do it, it just kind of feels like nothing is happening. So I do it because the science says that it's great prevention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
But for me personally, the jury is still out on that just to be totally transparent. But here's the bottom line. That's everything. I've shared it all. You can do all the cosmetic enhancements available today. But the real secret to looking and feeling your absolute best as we age is all about how you feel about yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
how you value yourself and treat yourself and talk to yourself and prioritize yourself and express yourself and carry yourself through the world. It's not so much what you're doing that matters as who you are when you're doing it. It's who you are being. I hope this episode inspires you and empowers you to do whatever it is that you want to do or feel like you would like to do.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
to just help you look and feel your very best. It's about you. It's all about you. And that's a good thing. Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. And I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I love aging, I love every single year that I get wiser, more confident and more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin. I trust myself completely And honestly, I kind of just don't give a fuck anymore about so many things, which is very liberating. I'm able to just focus on what really matters and leave all the rest. I'm just very unbothered.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And it's a sense of peace and freedom that I would not trade for anything. So love that you get older. Love every little bit about it because what it means about who you are on the inside. you can embrace aging and still want to look your very best. The two are not mutually exclusive. So embracing aging doesn't mean that we have to be okay with wrinkles or gray if we don't want to.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
It's not resisting aging to want to look and feel our best. So my message today and always is not about being anti-aging. It's pro being my absolute best in all ways. Second, Caring what we look like at any age is not vain or shallow. Our physical appearance is an expression of who we are.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
It is just as important as any other facet of our being, like having a rich spiritual life or taking care of our mental and emotional well-being. I want to look as good as I feel. I want my externals to reflect how I feel on the inside. So for me personally, I feel vibrant and youthful and exuberant and energetic and sure of myself and powerful, all these things.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And I feel like my physical self is and accurate representation and expression of that. That also includes my style and how I dress and other parts of my lifestyle as well. So what about you? How would you describe yourself? And does your physical appearance reflect who you are on the inside? If not, Have fun fixing that because it is fun.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I'm just little old me, all five foot one inches of me, but I do take very good care of myself, including working out every day. However, today I'm not talking about that. I'm going to be getting super personal with you and I'm sharing all the cosmetic and aesthetic procedures and enhancements that I've done to look as young and fit as I do at 52.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Third, every woman has to do whatever she needs to do or wants to do to be happy with the way she looks and to feel amazing in her own skin. And what is right for one woman is not right for another. I love how gray hair looks on some women. They wear it so well. And I can only hope that I look that good if and when I decide to go gray. It's just not for me right now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And some women feel beautiful going all natural and don't do any aesthetics or enhancements or treatments or anything like that. And good for them. That is how they choose to embrace their aging. But here's the important thing, the catch. Whatever you choose, be congruent with it. Meaning if you envy someone else's skin or wrinkle-free appearance, don't live with the envy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Just go get it for yourself. If you choose not to, to get Botox or fillers or any other type of enhancement, then don't be jealous of those who do. Be genuinely okay with your choices. Next, whatever you do or don't do, it's your decision and do it or don't do it for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Meaning you don't have to ask permission or consider what anyone else might think, whether it's your partner, your friends, or anyone else. It's your choice and yours alone and because you are doing this to make you happy or not doing it to make you happy. Ultimately, this is self-care. I've had clients run it by me if they should get boobs.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And my response is literally, you don't need my permission. If you want boobs, go get yourself some boobs. As long as you're doing it for you and it will make you feel even more fabulous than you already do. So if you want it, go get it. A couple more points that I want to make and then I'm telling all. Whatever you do or don't do, make that choice with love.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
A lot of people think that getting plastic surgery or cosmetic procedures are for people who don't love themselves and that they're seeking some kind of external solution that will make themselves feel better on the inside. That if they just look prettier or had this thing done or that thing done, they'll just finally be able to love and accept themselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And while I'm sure there is some of that happening, it's my experience personally and professionally that the opposite is actually true. Everything that I've done is because I do love myself, not because I don't. So let me say that again. All the things I've done have been done because I love myself, not because I don't.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And lastly, and very importantly, all the things that I do now and have done along the way are enhancements. It all complements what I do for myself already. And I do a lot for myself. I prioritize myself. I'm committed and devoted to myself. I make time for myself. So that means working out every day and eating well. And I just value my health and my well-being in all ways.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I take very good care of myself. So all the things that I've done, I consider add-ons to help me along in the ways that I just can't do for myself. So this is the message that I want you to take away. Love yourself as you are.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Take care of yourself as you deserve to be cared for, and then indulge in all the little goodies and extras that help you look and feel your best if that's what you want for yourself. So all right, let's get into the real talk about all the things that I've done and why I'm not ashamed of it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So I'm an open book with the people in my life, but this is my first time speaking publicly about any of this. And while it feels super vulnerable to just put it all out there, I want to be clear, I'm not ashamed of any of it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
If you're listening to this episode on a podcast app, you won't be able to see the photos that I'm sharing. So hop on over to YouTube whenever you get a chance, but I will do my best to describe the total transformation that I've gone through. Okay, so I got pregnant with my first baby when I was 33. And at the time, I was super fit and in great shape.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And I thought I was going to be this cute little pregnant lady with a sweet little baby bump. But no, I had the biggest baby and the biggest belly there ever was. Warning, this photo I'm about to share may potentially shock you. So prepare yourself. Here it goes. In this photo, I'm eight months pregnant with still another four weeks to go.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And I know almost all women are probably pretty uncomfortable at this point. So I know I'm not special in that regard, but I am a tiny person and my baby had nowhere to go but out. I have a tiny little torso and I was enormous. There was nothing cute about it at all. All in all, I gained 60 pounds. If you haven't had a baby, then these numbers that I'm about to share may not mean anything to you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
But my son was over nine and a half pounds. He was 21 inches long and in the 99th percentile for head circumference. So thank goodness for C-sections is all I can say. So you know when you're in a photo and it's just not a good one of you, like you look terrible and it's not flattering at all? And so you just quickly delete it and you're glad no one else will ever see it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
And you just put it out of your mind. Well, that is what this next photo is. It's exactly that for me, except I didn't get rid of it. I'm going to share it with you right now. This is me two days after my C-section, right after we got home from the hospital. Yes, I only stayed two days in the hospital like a dumb ass. Don't ask me what I was thinking.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Look at this giant baby who actually looks more than three months old. I feel sorry for both of us. My poor baby, that baby inside of me. And he was so, so smushed. There was nowhere for him to go. No room in there for him at all. It actually took him more than a week to not look so smushed. His face. Sharing this photo feels so hard. It's hard for me to look at it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I'm proud of the way I take care of myself, and I decided to share it with you because I want you to feel empowered to do whatever makes you feel happy and amazing in your skin too. So let's get into it. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I still just have so many feelings all at once when I look at it. Yes, I'm bloated from all the gas and the fluids that they pumped me up with for my C-section and going into delivery. But honestly, I look at it and I don't even recognize myself at all. How is that even me? I didn't delete this because I just feel like it's evidence for what I've gone through, what I went through.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
After all the swelling went down and I lost most of the weight, which took a long time, it became clear to me that I would never really be the same ever again. I think most women aren't exactly the same after having babies, but this was serious trauma to my little body. my abdomen was completely shredded, like shredded.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I had three hernias down my midline, including a big umbilical hernia and then a diastasis recti, which if you don't know what that is, you can look it up. The fascia holding my abdominal wall together was torn. And so my belly just hung slack. My insides didn't really have a container holding them in, and I still looked six months pregnant even a year after he was born. I hated the way I looked.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
My body did not reflect a woman who takes care of herself at all, who works out and eats well, and I couldn't wear the clothes that I wanted to wear. I just hated the way I looked all the time. I didn't feel comfortable or confident or sexy at all. I'd be having sex with my husband and I'd be completely distracted by my own body.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I would be watching my boobs jiggle around like, whose boobs are these anyway? They're not mine. Looking in the mirror was like an out-of-body experience. It just wasn't me. And if you've ever been in a situation like this, you know it sucks to not look like yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So all that time, while I was in those early baby years, sleep deprived, dealing with the steep learning curve on how to be a mom and adjusting to our new life and loving my babies, I was also really, really struggling, grieving the changes in my body and how I looked and how I felt. I actually physically couldn't move around the way I wanted to either.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
My lower back was killing me all the time from not having a core. And I had been an athletic and an athlete, and I couldn't even play the sports the way I wanted to. I actually quit playing some of the sports that I had been playing. We're supposed to accept the changes in our bodies as natural and normal. And you're not supposed to care what you look like on the outside.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
All that matters is what's on the inside. Because you have this beautiful, healthy baby and you should be grateful, right? But honestly, that is just such a bunch of bullshit for so many of us. And that's okay. It's okay now. to care what you look like on the outside too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
After doing physical therapy for months to try to fix my abdominal issue, I just knew that I was going to have to have reconstruction. So my kids are three years apart. I really had to wait until I was done having babies to have that done. So that is just a long time. It felt like an eternity to live that way. Maybe some of you can relate to what I'm talking about.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So for me, my reconstruction was having the fascia and the hernias all sewn back together, which is an abdominoplasty. I also had a breast lift. I wanted to put my boobs back where they belong, back up where they were before. Implants were not for me. They are for many women, but they weren't for me. It literally felt like I was putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Three surgeries and $40,000 later, and I have to tell you, It was completely worth it. The pain and the inconvenience of all of that. And it was the best money I've ever spent. Worth every penny. I got myself back in every way. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. Like I got to be myself again. I missed myself. So here's the thing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
My abs look the way they do now because I was willing to invest in myself and fix the injuries. And it's because of how I live now. the choices that I make every single day. In fact, I'm fitter, healthier, and look better now than I did before babies because I know actually how to take better care of myself than I ever did in my twenties and my thirties.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So now let's talk about the non-surgical stuff that I do to maintain my appearance. Yes, you probably figured this out. I get Botox. I do it on my forehead, and in between my brows. This prevents lines. It softens and smooths the existing lines and just gives me a refreshed, lifted look. I personally go very light though because I want to look like myself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
I want to look natural and to be able to be expressive in my face. I also use tiny bits of Botox very strategically in places that will prevent the lines that I don't want to get. So shout out to my friend, Catherine, who does all of this for me. And I'm sharing this with you because you want to have somebody who can do what she does for me, which is she's an expert and a genius and a magician.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
She really knows the facial anatomy and knows exactly where to inject. So if you're going to do Botox or if you're already doing it, I do suggest you don't just go to your run-of-the-mill med spa. Go to somebody who's actually a technician and really knows facial anatomy. As for fillers, in general, I don't need them and I don't do them.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Not because I'm opposed, but because I've always had a full face. I've had a full
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
Round cheeks and when I was younger, I always hated my full round face But now I do believe part of the reason that I look so youthful is because of that fullness So I actually welcome the lines that I've started to get on my face Because with my round face before I never really had lines I didn't have character so I don't do the fillers the exception to that is lip filler I tried it a few years ago to even out my smile because my lips aren't symmetrical and
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
but I haven't done it since then. What actually changed my face in the best possible way was doing Invisalign. So many adults don't consider getting braces because we had them as teens, but our teeth move a lot. And because it's like, it's almost like a blind spot. We don't even consider it. But so many adults actually have terrible teeth. I had an underbite my entire life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So during COVID, I decided to do something about it. And it's been life-changing. Again, the best money I've ever spent and worth the entire pain in the ass of it all. As for skincare, I invest in good quality skincare products that are animal cruelty free. I have a big bias here, so I'm going to share it. I'm not going to hold back.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
What I've Had Done to Look 10 Years Younger at 52
So before we get into it, I want to share some really important and powerful mindsets and perspectives about our physical appearance and aging, because after all, psychology and our relationship with ourselves is my area of expertise and what I'm known for. And then I promise I'm gonna tell you all the things. So first, I am not anti-aging at all.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
Are you the one everyone turns to when something needs to get done? The go-to person who always steps in? fixes the problems, has the answers, and makes sure everything runs smoothly? If so, that's likely because you're smart and effective and just a highly functioning human, which of course is great. I see myself that way too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
So today we're diving into the surprising reasons why over-functioning, the constant giving and doing and fixing and sacrificing is really not the virtue that you've been led to believe and think that it is. It's actually hurting you and everyone around you. So let's get into it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
Overfunctioning is when you take on more than your fair share of responsibility for things, the things that other people could and should be doing for themselves. So the first reason why this is bad for everyone involved is that you're training people to rely on you. When you overfunction, you're training people to depend on you for everything.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
They start to subconsciously think, mom will handle it. Wifey knows what to do. Or ask Hillary. She knows what to do. She's got it covered. Over time, this creates a cycle where they stop trying to solve problems themselves because they know you'll just step in and do it. You think that you're helping, but you're actually creating dependence. And it's exhausting for you and disempowering for them.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
Over time, they begin to underfunction. And it's a truly damaging dynamic in all of our relationships, but especially our romantic ones, which then leads to the second reason, which is that you're robbing them of their wins and their lessons.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
So when you swoop in to save the day, you're stealing their opportunity to experience the satisfaction of solving a problem or accomplishing something on their own. Even if it's something small, we all feel good crossing things off our to-do list and and taking care of our business. We need this as humans to face our challenges or hardships and to figure it out, right?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
But there is a difference between being highly functioning and over-functioning, which really isn't all that great. In fact, if you suspect this might be you, today's episode will be an eye-opening wake-up call. I'm flipping the script. on the way we think about the person who is the go-to problem solver, fixer, giver type person.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
So even just having to deal with annoying little things that we don't wanna deal with and we do it anyway actually is good for us, which then means they don't get to feel the pride of a win. They don't get to feel like they earned the W, okay? Because they stuck to it or they figured it out or they got resourceful.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And then, of course, they also then can't feel the disappointment, the frustration, or the sadness from a really hard-earned lesson when something doesn't turn out as hoped or expected. So we've all heard the word enabling, right? But this is actually disabling.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
It stunts growth because over time they aren't developing the skills, the resilience, the confidence, and the ability to trust themselves to just face life in general. They aren't learning self-sufficiency, whether it's a child, a friend. a family member, someone that you work with, or a lover. And so I know this is not the intention, quite opposite, right?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
You think you're being helpful and loving and giving and caring, but it is what is happening. So just let that sink in and be a motivating factor. for you in changing this dynamic in your relationships and in how you operate. What makes this challenging to change is number three, which is that you're kind of getting something out of it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
If the people in your life come to depend on you to help solve problems or handle tough situations, it kind of crowns you the queen. You get to be seen as the smart one, the capable one, the strong one, right? Whatever you want to call it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And while you may complain about it and say you resent everyone leaning on you and always being the go-to person, let's be honest, there's a part of you that likes being the hero. If you're around my age, you may remember the superhero cartoon called Mighty Mouse. Do you remember that? He used to swoop in singing, here I come to save the day, right? I loved Mighty Mouse.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
But maybe just have that tune in your head when you feel tempted to step in and remind yourself not to be Mighty Mouse. They need to be their own hero and rescue themselves. We all do. We need to be our own hero.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And thinking about it this way instead means by not stepping in, you are actually still helping because you're not helping and giving them space instead, space and grace to figure it out themselves, right? So you're still helping them. by not actively getting involved and helping. So we might think that it feels good to be needed, but what feels even better is when we are just wanted.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
Because when there is a part of you that needs to be needed, your sense of worth or value or significance from rescuing becomes dependent on others needing you. So the cycle continues and it becomes a trap. By you needing them to need you, you set it up so that they always need you, so that you're always needed. Makes sense? It is a vicious trap.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And let's not forget, when you do it all, you get to control how it's done. It's on your timeline, on your terms, and to your standards. Some things may not fit this when it has nothing to do with you, but when what you're helping with does have to do with you, you can see how there's a payoff here. So ask yourself, what am I getting out of this role?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And is it really worth the cost to my energy, my sanity, and my relationships? What would happen if I step back instead of stepping in? And is that consequence something that we all can deal with, even if it's hard? Likely it is. Those hard times, remember, are our learning and growth opportunities for all of us.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
Sometimes we are trying to spare our loved ones from pain or learning the hard way or facing some kind of brutal consequence, but it is their consequence to face. And that is just important life lessons all around. I know for me personally, I can be stubborn and I always have to learn the hard way. It just seems that I always have to learn the hard way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And I'm going to share five eye-opening reasons why all of this over-functioning is not only bad for you, it's just bad, period. And stick around until the end because I'm sharing how to stop the cycle of over-functioning even when it seems like the consequences of not helping are high. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
But I promise you, I guarantee you, once I experience something for myself, I can finally just get it. I learn it. Okay, I'm a learn by doing person and a lot of us are. Okay, so reason number four, you're hogging the joy of giving. This is the twist that no one sees coming. Think about how good it feels when you do something kind or you help solve a problem for someone, right?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
In healthy parameters, within healthy normal limits, it feels good. There is a joy, a satisfaction or a pleasure surge that we get, right? And by always being the one to save the day, you're actually hogging all the joy, pleasure, and satisfaction for yourself. It's usurping or hijacking the opportunity for others to experience the amazing feelings that we get when we solve the problem
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
or overcome the obstacles and figure things out for ourselves. They don't get to cross the finish line because you're crossing it for them. Thinking about it this way might make you feel bad or even selfish. And it would be if you persist and insist on continuing like this. But I know you likely haven't thought about it this way. So for most of us, we do better once we know better, right?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
So rather than beat yourself up for this, just take it in, and make the adjustments that you need to make. And by the way, the Daily Journal is the exact tool to help you make these changes because the process of writing in the prompts that I'm providing for you help you change the way you think about yourself and all of this.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
which then naturally changes your behavior, your actions, and your choices. You're literally going to rewire and reprogram your brain in 90 days, deciding for yourself who you want to be and how you want to be in the world. It really is truly transformational. So again, I put the link in the show notes and in the pinned comments. I really kind of urge you to just give it a try.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
So here's the last reason overgiving and overfunctioning is just bad all around. And it is the bitter pill. But then I'm going to solve it for you. So make sure you stick around. You're blocking the flow of reciprocity. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual contribution and reciprocity, a natural flow of give and take. No, I'm not talking about tit for tat and scorekeeping.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
It's a more organic flow of two people who just care for each other in some way, putting in to the relationship. And over givers block that natural flow by refusing to ask for, accept, and receive help, attention, and support from others. Sometimes over givers will say they want to receive as much as they are giving, but it just doesn't happen.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And so then you feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, or unimportant, and also just burnt out from all the overgiving and the effort. Add in a little bit of resentment sometimes too, okay? But being such an overgiver means that you can turn anyone into a taker. You've kind of created a monster here.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
People may want to reach out, but over time have learned that you're just going to decline, so they've stopped asking. Here's the deal. What's going on underneath it all? is really a deep subconscious lack of self-worth. People who have a hard time receiving don't feel worthy of receiving the very time, attention, help, and love that they long for. So you won't make it happen, okay?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
All of your over-functioning output keeps you chasing self-worth by what you can do for people. And the focus always being on everyone else is deflection. It keeps you safe and protected because receiving just feels so very uncomfortable. That somebody would want to do something for you feels really, really vulnerable. And it's just something that you might not be willing to do.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And so you position yourself as someone who doesn't need help from anyone. And then it feels like nobody cares about you. Nobody is willing to give to you. It's always about them and it's never about you. When you do it all, you create an imbalance in your relationships and you are actually blocking those in your life
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
from being able to show up for you, essentially robbing them from the experience of joy and satisfaction that we all get when we give. So by now you know I'm all about the bitter pill and the magic pill. And if you aren't, go back and listen to and watch some of my previous episodes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
If all that we just talked about is the bitter pill, that this over-giving, over-functioning thing is a you problem, it also then means that it's a you solution. And that's the magic pill, okay? The goal isn't to stop giving altogether. It's to give in a way that's balanced, intentional, and empowering both for you and everyone else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
When you stop over-functioning, you free up your energy to focus on what truly matters You create space for other people to grow and contribute. And then you get to experience the joy of a relationship that's built on mutual respect and reciprocity. Here are some questions for you to ask yourself. Self-reflection here. Am I doing this because I genuinely want to or because I feel obligated?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
Am I stepping in because I think they can't handle it or because I don't trust them to do it right? What would happen if I backed off and let them figure it out? What would happen if I leaned back and allowed someone to help me? Being a receiver, this is new, right? This would be new for you. And you will have to ask for help at first.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And then you have to remember to show up being willing to receive. And the people who know you the old way, it may take a minute for them to catch on, but they eventually will. Rather than being quick to say yes to helping, and offering your two cents, try first asking these questions. What have you already tried to figure this out? What do you think you can do to solve this problem?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
Coach them to be resourceful and self-centered. In this new approach, you're still helping, but you're not being the one doing it all. Because remember, over-functioning isn't noble. It is a trap. By setting yourself on fire just to keep everyone else warm, you're burning yourself out and you're keeping everyone else in the dark. Stop doing it all. and start doing only what truly matters.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
And you will be amazed at how much better you feel and actually how much better everyone else around you feels too. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who needs to hear it. It's really, really important. And don't forget to grab my free mini video training, This Changes Everything. The link to that and the journal are in the show notes and in the description.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If You’re The Fixer, Helper Problem-Solver Type, Please Listen
We might think that being so available to others, being helpful or generous of spirit and time is altruistic or benevolent, but there is a very dark side to this and it's costly for both parties.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
What if I told you that the thing you so deeply desire, a loving relationship, financial freedom, your best body, isn't actually what you really want, and that the way you've been trying to get that thing might be the very reason you don't have it yet? I've spent 35 years of figuring this out through my own personal journey
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
then I'll believe. We delay the belief until we have some kind of proof or evidence that it's okay to believe it. And so it sounds like this. I'll be happy when, I'll feel reassured when, if this happens, then I'll feel good enough. So what ends up happening is that we chase after the things that we think will provide what it is we seek to feel or believe about ourselves. We chase love
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
thinking that someone else's affection means we are lovable and worthy and deserving of love. I'll believe I'm lovable once someone loves me. I'll believe I'm likable when someone likes me. I'll believe I'm desirable when someone desires me. We chase beauty, hoping that if we look a certain way, we'll finally feel good enough and deserving of attention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
I will believe I'm beautiful when someone notices or compliments me. We chase success, achievements, accomplishments, and external goals of all kinds, or even accolades, believing that the next one will finally be the thing that makes us feel worthy. I will believe I'm smart enough, deserving, or capable of success only once I've achieved it. None of this is in our conscious mind.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
It is pretty much all unconscious. But it makes sense then. that these things become so very important and urgent because of what it means about us when we get it and sadly, what it means about us if we don't. But this makes us completely powerless to feel how we want to feel and believe what we so desperately want to believe about ourselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
of unraveling my patterns and looking within and examining myself and also professionally working with tens of thousands of clients over the last 25 years as a psychotherapist and coach. And while that may sound like an exaggeration, I'm old and I've been doing this a long time working with men, women, couples, and groups.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
We are reliant upon other people waiting for situations or circumstances and all these other things that are beyond our control to happen so that it can provide that reassurance for us, that evidence for us. So I used to do these intense fitness classes and HIIT workouts, and I pushed myself so hard to go all out and run as fast as I could or do the whole thing and not take a rest.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Eventually, those workouts began to backfire and were no longer serving me but injuring me and my fitness level plateaued. And what I came to realize is that all this hardcore stuff that I was doing was to prove to myself that I'm able to, that I'm fit enough, that I can do these hard things, and that I'm a badass. I wasn't really competitive with anyone else, but with myself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
And what I also came to learn and to realize after really doing a lot of deep digging was that wanting to believe this about myself was a subconscious response to always being the last one picked in gym class in elementary school. Can you believe that? was actually a thing back then, I really hope that is not anymore. But it went way back for me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
That little Hillary in gym class, I can still see myself, that little me, so vividly all those times that it happened and just feeling ashamed and embarrassed and small and not good enough and mad. I Once I understood that's where it was actually coming from, I dropped the need to prove anything to anyone, least of all myself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
And since then, I've actually gotten an even better shape than ever just because I decided I am already enough just the way I am. Being kinder and gentler and loving towards myself as I am rather than proving it with punishing workouts. I don't need to do that to myself to prove that I'm enough. I don't need to do that anymore. And it just changed everything for me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Which brings me to my next point, which is when you are coming from a place of a deep need for the thing that you want, it will always remain elusive. like frantically grabbing at a wet bar of soap. It just keeps popping out of your hands. And that's because if your very existence depends on you having that thing, because what does it mean about you without it?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
The energy behind the chase is desperation. It's like having an empty cup. When your cup is empty and you're starving and there's this hole in your soul, it's like an emptiness. And you think that the thing that you want is going to fill it up for you. And that deep seeking is partly why it just will never happen.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Because it's just a low vibe energy that repels all the good things that you want to have in your life. and that you want to experience in your life. And even if you do end up getting the thing that you're chasing, maybe just from sheer force of will and pushing harder and harder, it won't actually provide you that which you subconsciously seek. your enoughness, and your worthiness.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Yeah, you may temporarily feel happy or fortified, but soon enough that will fade and you will need another thing to be proof for you. It's like a constant hunger that must be continuously fed when you seek your worth from external sources. It's like an addiction, just like anything else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
So I've been deep in the trenches and I have countless hours of conversations and sessions to know what I know. So I'm glad that you're here because in the next seven to 10 minutes, I'm going to give you the shortcut that I wish someone had handed me. And it's really going to spare you a lot of time, heartache, and even money. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
You will soon need another fix to provide the supply of evidence that you need to continue believing in yourself. When it comes from external sources, it's never enough. For me, I was never fit enough to be the proof that I needed. And if I was, it was only fleeting because I had to maintain it. And as I got older, as we all know, it just gets harder and harder.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
So it just wasn't sustainable for me anymore. All that I'm talking about is often what is behind the highest achieving among us. The drive to achieve can come from the need to prove our worth, our deservability, our value, and our significance.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Our clients who are part of the Ready for Love program and community are the highest performing women on earth, and most come to realize that they are so driven to achieve that so that they can prove to their parents, to themselves, to the world that they are good enough and they deserve to be seen and recognized. It's the old wound for them. See mom? See dad? See everyone? Look what I've done.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
See? Are you proud of me now? Do you approve of me now? Am I important enough now? Significant enough now? This is a blind spot for those women and all of us actually, because They can all point to the successes that they've had professionally and in their career and even in other areas of their lives and think that they are confident. They mistake that for true self-worth.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
But yet their track record with men and their love life history does not reflect that of a woman who truly knows her worth and her value. They've settled for less than they deserve in a partner and in a relationship, often subjected themselves to being treated poorly. And that's because... True self-worth and value has nothing to do with achievement.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
In fact, if you strip away what I call the mantle of trophies and you get rid of all of that, there's nothing left but a little girl who so desperately wants to be seen and cared for and loved. And that's why it is truly powerful to do this work on ourselves because we
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
No amount of accolades or achievements or acceptance or validation or even love from another person or anything else outside of us will ever be enough to prove we are worthy. It simply cannot. Only you can do that for yourself. It must come from within. And the best part is that you've always had the power to do that for yourself all along and you just didn't know it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Which brings me to my last point. We need to flip that old proverb on its ear and to challenge this piece of common wisdom that seeing is believing because it's actually backwards. You must believe first and only then will you start seeing the evidence in your life and to create the experiences that are coming from a result of this rock solid, unshakable relationship with yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
And our beliefs are a choice, something else that no one really tells us, nor do we think about it. but it's true. So it's a decision that you get to make and you must make for yourself, deciding that you believe in yourself no matter what, believing that you are lovable and enough just as you are. You give that to yourself. The truth is you were born worthy and you still are. And
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Nothing has changed no matter what you've experienced in this life. Your worth and value are inherent. They are intrinsic inside of you. And it's up to you to know this about yourself, to choose to believe this first. You give yourself the acceptance, recognition, love, validation that you need. You give yourself the safety and the security and the certainty in your life that you need.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
It has to come from within. It simply cannot come from anything outside of yourself. All the external things don't have the power to do that for you. Only you have the power to do that for you. And that is the best news that you will ever hear. You will still want things in your life, yes, but your energy is not desperate. It's not a deep need and hunger, but rather a desire.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. We all do this.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
And that energy is joyful and light and abundant and healthy. And that's when you start getting the things that you want to enhance your life, not because you need them. And the things that you want will only come to you when you first already believe you are worthy of it. You have to believe that you are worthy first before you will ever get any of the things that you want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
True healthy love will only happen for someone who already knows they are lovable as they are. Wealth and success come to someone who knows in their very being that they are capable of it and deserving of it before it actually happens. Your goals are no longer weighed down by the meaning that you attach to them so you can release the desperate need to achieve them and just focus on you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
who you are being rather than all that you are doing to try to make those things happen. It's not about hustling and grinding and working harder and chasing. It's about focusing on who you are when you're doing all the things that you need to do to build the life that you want. So to sum up my 50 years in a few sentences is this. People say time is money, but you can always make more money.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
You can never get time back. And even one day spent feeling bad about yourself, doubting yourself, questioning your worth or value not believing in yourself, not trusting yourself or loving yourself is one day too many, my friends. When you shift your focus, to just being your own best friend and ally and advocate and champion, and really focus on your relationship with yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
It all starts with you. You give yourself the recognition and the validation and the safety and the love that you need. Everything will always work out in your favor. And I know that when we all can be at peace with ourselves, we are able to accept others as they are easier. and the world would be a much better place. And I know that we could sure use a lot more of that right now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
It Took Me 30+ Years to Realize What I’ll Tell You in 10 Minutes
We think, I'll believe it when I see it. How many times have you heard that in your life? And maybe even said those exact words. We think that we can really only believe something is true when there is visual, tangible evidence to support us believing it. It's like we need proof before we can accept it as true. It's kind of like, if this happens, then I'll believe, or when that happens,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
You've been told that you are too much your entire life, too opinionated, too ambitious, too direct, or too loud. But after working with thousands of women over the last 25 years, I can tell you without a doubt, being self-centered is the antidote to this lie. If you've ever felt like you've had to shrink yourself to be accepted, this episode is for you. Hi, it's Hillary.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
second guess and doubt yourself, and then you're wondering if you should just hold back just a little. And maybe without realizing it, you did. Maybe you softened your voice to not be intimidating. Maybe you bit your tongue just to keep the peace. Maybe you made yourself a little smaller so other people could feel bigger. For years, you might've believed this lie that you're too much.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Let me invite you to think about how many times you have dimmed yourself just to keep the peace. Maybe you had a brilliant idea in a meeting, but instead of owning it, you phrased it as a suggestion so you wouldn't seem too pushy. Maybe you accomplished something incredible, but instead of celebrating it, you kept it to yourself, or you downplayed it so others wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
I've definitely done this, and it just sucks to hold back something that you've done that is amazing instead of just sharing it. Maybe you had a strong opinion, but instead of standing by it, you softened your words so you wouldn't be called difficult. And maybe you told yourself this was just being considerate, that it was just about being polite, but that's not what was happening.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
What's happening is conditioning. Because every time you minimize yourself to make someone else comfortable, you send a message, not just to them, but to yourself. You're telling yourself that their comfort matters more than my truth. And when you send that message to yourself enough times, you start to believe it. You start to believe the myth of being too much.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
If I'm too much, I am not acceptable. I am not likable. I am not lovable. There's something wrong with me the way that I am. I am too much. And you start believing that it's your job to caretake other people's feelings and manage other people's reactions. That if someone feels threatened by your intelligence or your ambition or your confidence, it must mean that you're the problem.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Again, something's wrong with you. So you make yourself smaller. You make yourself more agreeable. and you make yourself less. But the truth is your intelligence and your confidence and your opinions, none of it is too much. It's only too much for the people who were never meant to sit at your table in the first place. And the moment you realize this, you stop apologizing for taking up space.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
That is when the real shift happens. The shift where you finally take control of your life and break free from these patterns that are holding you back. Now you might be wondering, Hillary, how do I make this shift? What is the real problem here? The real problem is simply that you believed this lie. You believed that you were too much. Rather than being fully self-centered, self
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
centered, standing firmly, deeply rooted in who you are. You've spent your life measuring your worth by what others think of you, seeking their approval and how well you fit into the box so that you can belong, rather than knowing your worth is inherent, that it's intrinsic, it's inside of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
You've betrayed yourself to make others more comfortable rather than being true to yourself and showing up fully you. But remember, being too much is not real. It's conditioning and it's control. And the truth is, when you fully accept this and realize it, it changes everything. Being self-centered is not real. about being selfish. It's about putting yourself at the center of your own life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Finally, when you live as a fully self-centered human, you stop seeking approval and you start trusting yourself. You stop apologizing for taking up space and start expanding into it. You stop worrying about being too much and start being exactly who you are and who you've always been. And that means you are able to become who you're meant to be. And when you do this, your entire life shifts.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
If you're ready to break free from this conditioning, here's how you can start being self-centered today. And remember, this isn't about being selfish or arrogant or self-absorbed. It's actually the opposite. It's about putting yourself at the center of your own life. First, stop measuring your worth by how well you fit in.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Instead, start measuring your effectiveness by how fully and authentically you express yourself. How honest are you in sharing your opinions and inviting others to do the same? Unapologetically take up space and hold onto yourself all the time. The more self-centered you are, the more grounded and powerful you become. Second, prioritize how you feel over how you are perceived.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Instead of asking, how will they react to this? Start asking, does this feel true for me? And does this feel right for me? Because the second you start living based on what you think, instead of what they expect, you take back your power. And that leads us to the final shift. Stop apologizing for being the woman you were always meant to be. You were never too much.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
You were only too much for people who benefit from you being less. You are supposed to stand out. You are supposed to lead. You are supposed to become the woman who doesn't need permission to exist fully and boldly and unapologetically. This is the most self-centered thing that you can do. own yourself completely and take up the space without apology.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Since you were a little girl, you were conditioned to be nice, be agreeable, don't make people uncomfortable, go with the flow, don't make waves or cause trouble by grandparents, parents, educators, by religion, culture, and society.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Live fully and loudly and boldly because the only validation that matters is your own. Let me say that again. The only validation that matters is your own. And when you can live this way, That is when everything changes. And so now you see it. And once you see it, you simply cannot unsee it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
The world conditions girls and women to believe that their value lies in how much they can give and how much they can endure and how little they need in return. But when you live a self-centered life, you finally stop playing that game. You stop living for validation and start living for you. If you're ready to make the shift but don't know where to start, I've got something for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
I've created a free video training called This Changes Everything. It will help you step into your fully self-centered power immediately. So just tap the link in the description to get access to it if you want to check it out. And one more thing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
If you weren't trying to make everyone else comfortable, if you weren't trying to fit into a version of yourself that keeps you small and agreeable and acceptable and likable and lovable for everyone else, who would you actually be? It's time to find out. If you enjoyed this episode, please give it a thumbs up. And if you know someone who needs to hear this message, please share it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Thanks for being here. It means so much to me more than you'll ever know. And I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
Because the moment that a woman stands in her power, she becomes a threat. Look at history. Women who spoke up were labeled uncontrollable. Women who fought for their rights were difficult. And women who refused to conform were dangerous. And that just isn't ladylike. And even today, the message hasn't changed. It's just been rebranded. So now they call you too much.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Myth of Too Much
They say you're too opinionated, too intense, too confident, too independent. But what they really mean is you don't fit inside the box that we built for you, the box that they need for you to be in so that they can be more comfortable. So they try to shrink you. They tell you to be less, less loud, less ambitious, less certain of yourself. They make you question your instincts.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
What if I told you that starting over, changing careers, walking away from something, successful or not, or being a beginner again in midlife doesn't have to be terrifying, and that you don't have to be in a bad place to want more? I've started over not once, but three times in the last eight years.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And it's in there for all of us, but these experiences, these new experiences are triggering that for me again in a different way and in a new way. And sometimes I wonder why am I doing this and feeling like maybe I should have started this years ago and who am I to start this now? And all of that stuff kind of just goes in my head. But then I remind myself I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
I am not here for acceptance, for recognition, or for any of those things, nor am I here to prove to anybody or myself anything, but to help and share because that's what my mission was to begin with, to share what I know because I'm blessed and I'm able to do that. And if one person hears me and it helps one person, then that is it. So be it. It's my mission accomplished.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So the final lesson is this. Starting over reveals our edges. Every time I have restarted, I've bumped up against my edges. What does that mean? Your edges are the outermost boundary of your capacity as a human. What you understand, what you know, what you are aware of, what you are capable of, what you can do, what is healed what you have worked on.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
I saw that my methods were getting amazing results for my clients And I just felt confined. I felt constricted. And I wanted to help more people and make a bigger impact. And just that little nugget of an initial desire eventually grew into a deep yearning for me, like a deep yearning. And the best way that I can describe it is to use the words of Anne Lamott, the writer, the way she put it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
It's the next thing that you need to work on in order to expand yourself, to be all you can be in this life. Your edges are the limits. So inside, Of the comfort zone bubble, you're confident and sure and certain. But the minute you step beyond them, what happens? That's where you meet resistance and fear and you feel uncomfortable and unsure and insecure.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So whenever you embark on a new adventure, and every time I have, whether it's restarting a career, starting a business, leaving a long-term relationship after so many years, getting into a relationship after being single for so long, having a baby, taking a risk of any kind. Embrace the experience as an exercise in finding your edges. What still needs your love and attention and healing?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
What part of you is ready to grow next? What more can you learn about yourself? Push your limits outward to be fully expanded. This is how you become the very best version of yourself. Finding those edges, bumping up against them, being curious about them, examining them. That, my friends, is growth, personal growth. So those are the six powerful lessons.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
My favorite one was the last one about finding your edges. But the final takeaway is this. you have nothing to lose. If you're thinking about starting over, if you're feeling the pull, the hunger, the desire, ask yourself this, what do I actually have to lose? Because here's the truth. Even it doesn't work out the way that you want, you still win.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
Every reinvention I've had, even the ones that didn't go anywhere, taught me something invaluable. They sharpened me, strengthened me. They made me into the person I am today. If it doesn't work, you are not failing. You didn't fail. You're not a failure. You're learning and expanding and growing. And that is never a waste of time. And it's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So if this resonated with you, please drop a comment below. And if you're ready to stop hesitating and start taking action, hit that subscribe button because the secret to success is not in the doing. It's in who you are being while you're doing it. And if you bet on yourself, you win no matter what. See you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
She says, I don't write so that I can publish. I write so that I can breathe. And that is exactly how it felt to me. I thought about it day and night. I was obsessed. And that's really when I started my habit of waking up at 4 a.m. because I had to find the time to work on it because my kids were still little and I was still running my therapy practice. I jumped right in. I bought courses.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
I created courses. I hired coaches. I started putting out content. I even got featured as an expert on the Steve Harvey show. All in all, I spent four years, four long years, and $100,000 in all of my trial and error, trying this and trying that. But I was doing both. I was running my practice while building what would eventually become Ready for Love.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And it was honestly excruciating because I felt stuck in this transition. We often don't recognize how difficult transitions are. It's that limbo of still being where you were and where you have been and not yet quite where you want to be. And so it was really tough doing like that four years.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And each time that I did, I walked away from something very successful and lucrative simply because I wanted something new. I just wanted to. So whether you're thinking about making a change or not, this episode is still for you because the six lessons that I've learned from all of these restarts are important life lessons that we all need to hear.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And I will say it was worth it, of course, because I built what became one of the most successful women's love and relationship programs in the world. It's a multiple eight-figure company, and we have helped thousands of women completely transform. I wouldn't be where I am today if I were to change any of that, but I learned some seriously hard-earned lessons in that time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And that's what I'm going to share with you now. So the first big lesson from this reinvention is this. Be clear what you want and what you are creating. And while that might seem obvious, we often aren't very clear what our vision is. We just want something.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
We want to feel something or we want this big grandiose idea of something, but we're not really clear what it actually looks like in every way. There's a lot of variables and a lot of things that can be up in the air. So for me, for example, my entire education and background and expertise is psychology, not business.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And while I had built a very successful therapy practice, and that is a business model, I hadn't really thought about it that way. And I don't think I was very intentional about what I built. It just came easy to me. So had I been crystal clear about what exactly I was building and creating,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
what I was offering, how I was going to deliver it and get my word out and get the message out, it all would have happened so much quicker and it would have saved me a lot of time and money and heartache. And because of this lack of clarity, I doubted myself a lot and what I was trying to create
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So much so that when something wasn't working fast enough or what I was trying at the moment didn't work out right away, I just jumped to another thing. I would just create another course because teaching is easy for me. And I would try a new way to get it out there to people. and so that they could find me. So I became this jumper and I just chased my tail in a frenzy of activity to get there.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
That's what I used to call it. I want to just get there. That was my clarity, get there. And so while I couldn't see it at the time, I had become my own biggest obstacle despite all my exhaustive efforts. But when I finally figured out my plan and it was crystal clear, within one single month, I closed my practice for good.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So for you, whether you're thinking about starting a business or leaving a relationship, being clear about this new thing that you are creating is important. And so that leads me to lesson two. After you are crystal clear and you have your plan, be all in. So maybe you've heard this phrase before, burn the boats, which is exactly what I did.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
Once I knew exactly what I was building and I had the blueprint for it, I closed the therapy doors for good. There was no going back, no more straddling, no more safety net, no more, if it doesn't work, I'll go back. I was all in on my goal, on my vision, and on my dream. So here's the thing. People stay in relationships for years being half in and half out. That limbo is excruciating.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
It's kind of like, should I stay or should I go? One day it's good, so you're in. And the next day it's bad, so you're out. People think about moving or starting businesses for years, stuck in the learning phase, the information gathering phase, never going all in on it. And you just can't half-ass anything and expect full-ass results. You have to go all in. and not look back.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And if you are considering taking a leap, by the time that we're done, you're going to understand the secret to making sure that your big, bold move is the right move and how to make sure that it pays off. And stick around till the very end because I'm saving my juiciest one for the last. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
My biggest lesson of all in this very first restart is this. Do not underestimate the power of your mindset. Of all the challenges that I faced in that time, I was the biggest one of all and I didn't even know it. I had all the coaches and all of the programs and all the people that I had hired to help me along the way. And they were all focused on tactics and strategies.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
But none of that was ever going to matter so long as I was standing in the way. I was my own biggest obstacle, deep down believing that I didn't have what it takes, doubting myself. And that success is like that kind of success is for everyone else, but not for me. Even though intellectually, I knew that what I had to share was amazing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And I had all this evidence to prove it with my clients telling me how much they love their work with me and how much better their lives are. So I got it intellectually. But there was still this stubborn, deep down limiting belief that I couldn't do it, that I didn't have what it takes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And I began to identify with the struggle, telling the struggle story over and over of how I'm stuck and why I'm stuck and how all the things that I had tried hadn't worked. So don't neglect to focus on your own growth in the restart process because your identity is everything and it is the critical key to whether whatever it is that you're about to start works out for you or not.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
Identity is who you are. It's who you think you are, what you believe about yourself and what's possible for you and how you talk to yourself. So keep this phrase in mind. Identity work is the bridge between where you've been and everything that you're meant to have. Okay. And I'm going to come back to this at the very end. So make sure you stay with me. So moving on.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
At this point, it's five years later, 2022. I've done more with Ready for Love than I ever could have possibly imagined. I did it. Ready for Love is this massive success that I didn't even dare to dream about. Thousands of clients came countless success stories and a team of coaches and enrollment team, all the admin support I needed.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And our revenue just doubled year after year into the many millions. And I have to say, it was life-changing in every way. And then I walked away from all of it. I literally shut it down and turned off the lights, literally hit the off switch. And let me tell you, no one understood it. My friends, my family, my team, even my clients were shocked and unhappy about it. But I was burnt out.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
The burnout was sneaky because it hid beneath all the adrenaline and the complete joy and thrill of all of our client wins and the lifestyle and the freedom that came from the money and But I was exhausted and I felt trapped. And I wanted to continue doing new things, but I just felt like I couldn't. I had no capacity for anything else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And I was just so embedded in the business that I didn't know how to make room for anything else. And so I know it seems crazy to walk away from my $12 million coaching company that I had built. It was my labor of love. It was four years in the making and then five years of just building it and building it. And it really was the highlight of my life thus far.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
But I stepped away for nearly a year to catch my breath and get perspective. and figure out what I wanted to do next because I just, again, craved more. I wanted something more. And in that time, I experimented a lot. I got involved with a couple of projects that never got off the ground, and I hosted an elite mastermind with women entrepreneurs that was amazing.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And in that time, I learned a few more very important lessons that I'm going to share with you now. which is lesson four, I redefined my relationship with the word failure. Failure isn't real. Call me delusional, but I don't believe in failure. You only really ever fail if you never try at all. You fail before you even start if you never start.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So many people are afraid of failure and that prevents them from trying anything or starting anything or putting themselves out there in any way. So this reframe is powerful because when you think about it this way, you have to go for it or your biggest fear is already realized. You failed just by not trying.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
It was Alfred Tennyson who said, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And I believe this is true for trying. And what I say is better to have tried and missed than never to have tried at all. And notice I didn't say tried and failed because it's just not a thing. A try and a miss is noble. It's commendable. It's identity expanding.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
It is not embarrassing or something to be ashamed of. There is no tail between the legs, nothing like that. And never to try because a fear of a failure is just sad. Think about all the missed opportunity and potential. It will be something that you will always wonder about. And not just for you, by the way, but what you don't put out into the world is a missed opportunity for everyone else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
What is out there for everyone else when you hold yourself back? It's like the phrase, the one that got away that we say about potential love. Don't let this big idea or opportunity or restart Be the one that gets away. The biggest regrets that we have are not the things that we have done, but rather the things that we haven't done.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
So if you have a desire for something more and you never even try, you will always wonder what could have been. What could have been? And you won't regret having tried. You just won't. You will regret not trying. I guarantee it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
How many times have you or someone that you know had a great idea and you or they talked about it a lot only to not do something about it and then later finding out that someone else had the same great idea and took action and created something wonderful and successful from it? It could be you. Why not you? And this brings me to my last restart.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
In 2023, I turned the lights back on with Ready for Love. I just missed it so much for so many reasons. But this time I'm wiser and I have the perspective that I needed. In that time, I grew myself and I came back ready to work smarter, not harder. And this again is bringing us back to the concept of identity. How I see myself and think about myself has been expanded.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
I am now the founder rather than a love coach. This new expanded version of me thinks differently and it guides my decisions. Because of this, I'm actually helping more women than ever before because I'm not down in the weeds running everything all by myself, but instead getting the right help. So within 12 months, we were already back making multiple seven figures.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
The first time that I started over was in 2017 when I walked away from my thriving therapy practice, one that I had built over 14 years. It had a two-month wait list, and it was mostly referral-based, and I had therapists working for me. And I loved what I was doing, so it was really just pretty successful by every measure. But as time went on, I began to crave more.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
Again, which just reflects how many women we are helping. And I'm doing it without all the burnout. So here's how this translates to you, my lovely listeners. The big lesson here, number five, if you're not willing to bet on yourself, what can you bet on? in this life, if you are not a guarantee, what is? I learned I can do anything.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
I built a company to 12 million and then did it all over again from zero. And if I can do it, you can do it or whatever it is that you want. Just do it. You can do it. And it is about... putting all your faith in you. You are the one and only thing in this life that you have control over. And if you are not a guarantee, what is?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
That is probably the most powerful lesson that you're going to get out of this today. But this brings me to my last restart. Once Ready for Love was back up and running and done in the smart way, I did have the capacity for more. And that brings me to this podcast and this YouTube channel.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
All the work that I've been doing, first in my therapy practice and then exclusively for my single women clients, those people who can afford me, it is now my mission to share what I know with everyone because I truly believe it is what we all need to live our best life. So exactly one year ago today, when I was 51, I decided to start this show.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And I have to be honest, it's been very humbling to say the least. I have all this experience and all these results for my clients and have had all this success kind of just while flying under the radar. I've been quietly doing this work for so many years. I've done it all without a large audience. I'm kind of an unknown. Nobody really knows who I am.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
And that's fine with me, except here I am being a beginner at this part point in my career. Starting this show with zero subscribers, zero listeners, zero followers is just hard. I'm not going to lie. Showing up every week and sharing what I know and just hoping that I get seen, hoping that I get heard, and feeling like no one is listening sometimes. I'm talking to no one.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How to Start Over and Succeed: 6 Powerful Lessons
It's definitely humbling. And sometimes when I publish a video and it doesn't get hardly any views, my initial reaction is, oh, they don't like me. And I can feel that old, deep, automatic rumbling inside of me that I mentioned earlier. I don't have what it takes, or maybe I don't deserve this, or maybe I just, I'm not good enough.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Today, I'm answering your questions, actual questions that our listeners have submitted through the Hillary Silver website. And as always, I'm giving you straight up answers, actionable advice, and practical takeaways to elevate your life from mindset to personal empowerment to relationships. So let's get started. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
It says a lot about our conditioning, doesn't it? If you go back and listen, you will not hear me say anything about male attention. In fact, I make the point that turning heads isn't about needing or seeking attention from anyone. That turning heads when you walk into a room is more about our own internal sense of self.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
That rather than shrink or feel insignificant or small as we age, that we claim our power because aging is the opposite of fading away, if you believe that to be true. I personally feel more powerful, more confident, and sexier than I ever have because my relationship with me is the best it's ever been. I take better care of myself in all ways, mentally and physically.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
So my inner world is a kinder, gentler, more forgiving place to be. I have less self-doubt. I don't second guess myself. And instead, I just have more certainty. And I make sure to prioritize my physical health, meaning it's not an afterthought or if I have time. It comes first for me. I always make time for the things that enhance my life. I don't skimp out on myself and take crumbs in my life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Mom doesn't come last. That is something that women do. We do it to ourselves and that just has to stop. Not just when our kids are older or out of the house, but always. So how I feel about myself is an energy and a vibe.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
So when I walk into a room, I do so knowing that I'm important, I'm valuable, I have a certain presence, and that anyone here is going to benefit just from me being there, whether they realize it or not. And then it's not about them. It's actually about me. It's a mindset that I carry with me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
We never fade away or become invisible so long as we know that we matter and deserve to be seen and heard, even more so as we age, not less so. I do have another episode about this coming up soon, going more in depth about our conditioning as girls. and how to defy all those expectations. So make sure that you subscribe so you don't miss that when it comes out. This next question comes from Becky.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
She says, I'm listening to your show and I love what I'm hearing, but sometimes I just get overwhelmed and feel like there is so much to work on to up-level my life. I just don't know where to start. Can you please just tell me one first thing? Okay, so I know that each episode is full of try this or try that, a new mindset or a new habit or a new workout.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
It can feel like a lot to do to improve our quality of life. I get it. But what we don't want is analysis paralysis overwhelm, procrastination, and just deer in the headlights, okay? I don't want anyone feeling bad because it feels like there is just too much to do. One more thing on your list.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
When I first started my therapy practice in 2002, and all these clients were coming to me with all the various problems they were encountering, I felt like, wow, I can relate to every client in some way. And then I was like, well, really, I must be pretty fucked up if I can relate to everyone. But here's the thing. It's all the same underlying issues.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
There are just levels and layers of how the underlying things are showing up and manifesting. lots of different ways in our lives that the same core issues are impacting us.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
If we peel back all the layers and go beyond the surface level things, the situations in our lives, such as needing to lose weight or struggling with procrastination or people pleasing, and then because of that, you feel adrift in life, whatever those things are. And if there's more than one area or one specific thing that you feel is not optimal,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
in your life, just take a deep breath and relax because it's all the same thing, okay? It may feel like there's a lot to do, but there's really not. So I'm going to explain what I mean, and then I'm going to list a few resources for you. And what I want you to know is that being self-centered is the answer to all of life's challenges. And you asked for one thing to get started, and that is it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
The first baby step is just to understand that your relationship with you is all that matters. And your relationship with you is all about whatever is going on in that pretty little head of yours all day, every day. What you believe and think and feel about yourself, how you talk to yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
So rather than get overwhelmed by all the external things that you think that you need to do to work on yourself, Just lean back and let go of all of that and just focus on you. Focus on learning how to think new things, okay? You can elevate your emotional state and your energy and all of that just by changing the way you think. You are what you think.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
All day, every day, we have about 70,000 thoughts in a day. And most of those thoughts are the things that we've been thinking our entire lives. on automatic, by default, unconscious. So we have these thought habits that are the way that we've been thinking mostly our entire lives. We are stuck in this loop.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
And that all happened before we had the ability to consciously choose what we want to think and how we want to be talking to ourselves. And this is it. If you want to level up, whether it's a specific area in your life or just overall, look no further than the mirror, my friends, and know it is fully within your power to do so
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
simply by deciding that you're going to learn how to manage your mind and upgrade your thought patterns and your thought habits. So now I'm gonna just point you to a few resources and I will put all the links to them in the show notes. I have a lot of previous episodes on topics related to changing the way you think and your relationship with yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Okay, so I love this first question. Thank you, Kelly, for this. If you've been listening to this podcast or watching on YouTube, you may remember the episode that I did called How I Turn Heads Over 50. And oh my gosh, did it get you guys talking, like seriously. It sparked so much interesting conversation. I was really glued to the comments for so many days.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
All of those will be linked in the show notes. The best tool for this is the Daily Journal. It's a step-by-step, little-by-little, each-day guide that you are beginning to reprogram your brain. You teach yourself to think new things. You rewire your brain. So it's a combination of neuroscience, behavioral psychology, and using the power of guided visualization.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
It's only $47 because I really just want it to be accessible to everyone, and I cannot recommend it more. Okay, so we have time for one more question, and this is from Sarah. She says, but something is missing. I think I just feel lonely. Why do I feel so lonely, even though it seems like I should have everything that I want? Okay, everybody, maybe you can relate to that question.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Thank you, Sarah, for asking this because somehow loneliness is something that we have a This is all too common, and right now, more than ever. In fact, my Ready for Love team and I hear it all day, every single day, from high-performing women who actually seem to have it all. Most of us mistake busy with fulfilled, success with happiness, and lots of people in our lives with connection.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
But you can be in a room full of friends and still feel deeply lonely. And going to bed at night with a partner who doesn't really know the real you is the loneliest bed there is. If you are someone who has created a great life and achieved a lot and you've checked all the boxes and it all looks good on paper, but feel like something is still not quite right,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
what may be missing is deep, authentic, true, genuine connection. Without connection at the soul level, there will be a void, a vacancy, and it can be a deep and profound emptiness. That kind of soul connection requires a degree of transparency that most people just aren't willing to be in their relationships and in life, or they just don't know how to do it. So when we show up opaque
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
which is being guarded or in a self-protection mode with walls or filters. Our true selves can't be seen or witnessed. And so we, who we really are, remains invisible. I did an episode early on about loneliness, and I talked about the differences between situational loneliness and existential loneliness. Again, I'll put the link in the show notes, but I'm going to explain it a bit now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Situational loneliness is when you don't have friends or people to spend time with or to do things with. Maybe it's a season of your life. Maybe friends have moved or you moved. Maybe you've just not made it a priority because you were really focused on your career and your family and something had to give.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
Whatever the reason, it sucks for sure not feeling like you have people to go do stuff with, to have a glass of wine with, or go to dinner with, okay? I get it. That's really... It's hard. But existential loneliness is when we don't feel like in our relationships that we do have, we are truly seen and known and understood. It's a sense that no one actually really knows the real you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
And it's sneaky. because you can fill your life with social and civic activities and friends and family and be busy all the time. So it may not register that you are in fact lonely at the soul level. But here's the good news. While it may seem that existential loneliness is a heavier lift and harder to fix because it just feels so big, it's actually easier to fix and to fix fast.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
And most of the comments were all about how you were feeling about your appearance and yourself and aging. If you haven't already watched or listened, I highly recommend that you do. So I will put the link to that show in the show notes. I picked this question because so many of you had a similar reaction to the show or some version of it. So here's the question from Kelly.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
if you are willing to do what is required to fix it, okay? That's the big if. Because going out there to make new friends takes a lot of effort. You got to get out there and meet people, and they got to also want to be making friends too. So there's a lot that goes into meeting people and developing a new friendship. But being willing to be seen is a decision.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
It's a simple decision that you can make right now to start showing up more of who you really are. No hiding, no pretending, no lying or pleasing or biting your tongue, no more keeping people at a distance emotionally. All that stuff that we do to block intimacy and being our true selves, okay?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
It's a fear of rejection underneath it all that has us lying and hiding about who we really are in our relationships, okay? Once you start sharing your full, real self, people will finally be able to see you and the connections that you already have in your life will deepen and you won't feel lonely when you allow yourself to be seen.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
You can just start showing up this new way with all the people who are already in your life and begin nurturing those existing relationships to deepen. That's why it's easier to fix because it is about you just deciding to show up in this new way. You can start seeing and feeling a difference very quickly.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
And then anyone new that you encounter and meet along the way who you wish to connect with in a deeper way can more easily become that kind of connection for you. But here's the thing. Not everyone is willing or capable of this kind of authenticity and transparency. But when you are able to show up open and fearless, you will attract others who are similar and who are of a kind.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
And you'll start creating more authentic connections in your life and you will not feel nearly as lonely as you have been. Thanks to all of you for submitting your questions. Please keep them coming. It is so helpful for me and to all of our listeners. So I really appreciate you. I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
From Male Attention to Overcoming Loneliness: Ask Me Anything about Turning Heads, Leveling Up and Feeling Connection
She says, I listened to your episode about turning heads at 50, and I don't understand why you feel like you need or want to have attention, especially from men. I don't get it. And so here's what I have to say about that. I think it is really interesting that so many women automatically assumed insinuated male attention here. that turning heads as a woman is about men.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
I work with women who don't know how to put themselves first. I've been doing this professionally for over two decades, and I've met thousands of women who have given everything to their families, their relationships, their careers, only to end up feeling exhausted and invisible.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
And that if you want or need something, it's up to you to take care of it. This messaging and these early experiences embed low self-worth and a belief that we aren't deserving of receiving and that our worth comes from all that we can do to help and care for others. Let that sink in for a minute.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
So for decades, you've been following a rule book designed to keep you on the back burner in your own life, that you come last in your own life, and that this selflessness is noble and virtuous. I know after years of giving and sacrificing and making sure that everyone else is okay, the idea of putting yourself first feels wrong.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
You feel guilty or selfish for even considering your own needs or wants. But let me ask you something. If self-sacrifice led to love, appreciation, admiration, connection, and respect, then why do so many women who give endlessly feel so utterly unseen? unloved, unimportant, taken for granted, and even taken advantage of. Here's the truth. Love is not supposed to be transactional.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
And the difference between the women who stay trapped in that cycle and the women who finally break free is one thing, and it's what I'm going to show you in today's episode. And once you understand this, you'll finally be able to put yourself first without guilt. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
You were never meant to earn love by disappearing in your relationships. You were never supposed to sacrifice yourself to be valued. And prioritizing yourself does not make you selfish. So let me tell you something that maybe no one else is willing to say. The truth. That is a very bitter pill to swallow.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
While this was all part of your conditioning, it is now you that is continuing to do this to yourself. Yes, you. Every time you say yes when you want to say no. Every time you show up, even when you're exhausted, every time you put yourself last, you are teaching the people around you exactly what to expect from you. And no one is going to stop you and ask if you're okay.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
No one says, you've done enough, sit down, let me take care of you for once. Why would they do that? You make this look so easy. You are an expert at it. You've been doing it your whole life. You make it look effortless until one day you wake up and you literally have nothing left to give. You're tired in a way that sleep cannot fix.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
Resentment creeps up, but you push it back down because you're not supposed to feel this way. This is where so many women get stuck. But the reality is this. People will never stop expecting more from you until you decide to stop giving more than you have to give. And here's the hardest truth of all.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
If people don't respect your time, your energy, and your boundaries, it's because you've taught them they don't have to. Let me say that again. If they're not respecting you just for who you are and they don't respect your boundaries or your time or your effort or your energy, it's because you have taught them that they don't have to. Think about it. You never asked for anything in return.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
You never made yourself the priority. You've never set the expectation that you are also to be receiving. They are following the example that you have set. Your relationship with you, how you treat yourself is the model. And most people are not out there intentionally and deliberately taking advantage of you. They're just following the rules that you set. They're following your example.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
But here's the good news. You don't have to keep playing that role. If you want to finally put yourself first without guilt, then I invite you to make a shift. It's time to become self-centered, which has nothing to do with being selfish, but has everything to do with putting yourself at the center of your own life. It means being centered in yourself enough to know what you even need or want.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
It means considering yourself and prioritizing yourself first so you actually have something left to give later on rather than running on fumes. The sooner that you shift into this way of being, the sooner you stop feeling drained, exhausted, resentful, and unseen.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
Self-centered is the model I've developed to help thousands of women finally put themselves first, and I'll show you how to do it in my free video training called This Changes Everything. Just tap the link in the show notes in the description to get access if you want to check it out. If you're ready.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
To break the cycle of self-sacrifice and step into your power, here are three actions that you can take right now to get started. Step number one, decide that you are worth it now. Not when you lose weight, not when your kids are grown, and not when you've earned a break. Right now. Because if you don't believe that you're worth prioritizing, no one else will either.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
Step number two, say no without an explanation. No, I can't make it. No, I'm not available. No, that doesn't work for me. Don't say, sorry, I have a lot going on, or I wish I could, but I can't. No is a full sentence, and the moment that you stop justifying your choices, explaining yourself, or apologizing for nothing, you reclaim your power.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
Step number three, make yourself a daily priority without guilt. You don't come last in your life. You are not an afterthought or something that you squeeze in if there's time. You matter. And I would argue you matter more than anyone else in your own life. I know what you're thinking. That sounds great. But what if people get upset, Hillary? Well, some of them will. But so what?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
Because you're going to feel so fucking free and liberated and you will thank yourself every single day. This is a soul call. So many women wake up in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s and realize they have spent their whole lives making everyone else happy except themselves. So ask yourself this. If you don't start putting yourself first now, when will you? Because no one is coming to save you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
No one is going to tap you on the shoulder and say, it's your turn now. Have a rest. Take a time out. I've got this. You have to decide this for yourself. You have to choose you. And the second that you do, you step into something bigger. where you finally, finally start living for you the life you want to live on your terms, doing what you want. This is the only authentic way to live.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
And if that feels a little bit scary, good, because that means you're not just gonna change your life, you're about to change everything. Thanks for being here. I really appreciate it more than you know. If you enjoyed this conversation, please share it with someone who needs to hear it, and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
So let's start with something that likely no one has ever told you before. From the moment that you were born, you were given a role to play. Be helpful. Be agreeable. Be easy to love. Take care of everyone else first. And when you did, you were praised. You were a good girl when you shared. You were so nice when you let others go first. You were so thoughtful when you sacrificed for someone else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
If Putting Yourself First Feels Wrong, Listen To This!
And so you learned... Making others happy equals being a good person. Making yourself a priority equals being selfish. You learned that everyone else comes before you, that other people's needs are more important than your own, that everyone else matters and you don't. It's all about everyone else. It's not about you. You learned that your role is to take care of others, help others, and
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Everyone talks about being your best self, and we take for granted that we actually know what that means because it can be a pretty vague concept if you think about it. If you value personal growth and self-development, but you've never really examined, explored, or defined what it means to be your best self, then this episode is for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
And the growth is about intentionally working towards narrowing the space between those two versions of you. Makes sense, right? So let's define your ideal self. This is a version of you that is more evolved in all the ways that you would like to be. Areas of your current real self that may struggle or feel undeveloped.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
So for example, an ideal self may be more emotionally mature or patient or vulnerable. Or your ideal self might be less anxious or reactive or impulsive or guarded. So it all starts with getting very honest with yourself about what it is about you and how you are now that isn't working for you or is holding you back in some way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
You won't really allow yourself to be honest if you're going to condemn yourself or judge yourself or fall into shame, so monitor that. This is just about gentle, radical honesty. What things about you could use a little help, need a little growing? So your ideal you is what you look like if all that stuff is no longer there.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
It just disappeared or resolved or it's no longer a thing, it's not bothering you, it's better. Imagine how that would feel if you could live that life as that person. Seems amazing, right? But here's the thing I really want you to understand about this so it doesn't feel overwhelming or exhausting or a daunting or like a never-ending chore.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Your ideal self is not a destination that you try to reach and then once you get there, you just sit back and relax. Your ideal self is like the horizon. You never actually arrive. When you are walking and you see the horizon line in the distance, even if you keep walking towards it, you never really actually reach the line. It keeps moving as you do, right? So accept that right now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Today I'm sharing five daily habits that help me connect with myself and help me be the best version of myself, and how to get clear what your ideal self looks like. And make sure to stick around until the end because I'm giving you one powerful magic question to ask yourself that will always guide you and give you the answers that you need. So let's dive in. Hi, it's Hillary.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
You will never achieve a state of being your ideal self. You will have moments where you get to experience being that person, that version of you, but that is all. So let that take the pressure off. The goal isn't to be this perfect version of you. Ideal is just that. It's an ideal. And knowing that going in is the best way to embrace personal growth.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
so you don't feel defeated and throw in the towel and beat yourself up when you mess up. You just do your best and inherent in that is messing up and falling short. That's just the human way. When you're clear about what that ideal version of you looks like and feels like and acts like,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
way out there on the horizon, then being your best self is the you along the way doing your best to achieve that ideal. This is a very important distinction to make in your mind to help you with all of this. Your ideal is what you are seeking to achieve. Your best is who you are along the way trying to achieve it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
So now I'm going to share the five habits that help me connect to my ideal self every day so I can do my best to be my best every day. First, I wake up early every day. You remember the proverb, early to bed, early to rise makes a woman healthy, wealthy, and wise? Yes. It is 100% true. I wake up early, not because I have to, but because I get to.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
That very first time in the morning when it's quiet, I get to enjoy my own company, being with myself. It's a sacred time for me to be with me just as me, not Hillary, the wife or the mom or the CEO, just me. No one needs anything from me and I don't have to do anything. If you're rushing into your day, you're starting from a place of chaos.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Give yourself the gift of starting with this quiet time and watch how much calmer and more centered you feel throughout the day. My next habit is about what I'm doing in this quiet time, which is the best time that you'll spend every day if you learn to do this too. I check in with myself. How am I feeling right now? Who am I right now? What's going on with me?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Being fully present and engaged with myself. I do this just like I would if I sat down with a friend I've not seen in a while, with someone that I really care about and I'm deeply interested in. Think about it. Do you ever really give yourself that kind of undivided attention and devotion? Are you so curious with yourself as you are with a bestie or a long lost friend?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Doing this helps me feel seen and heard and valued and important by me. All the things that we deeply desire to feel, but we often place the onus on others to do for us. It's nice to have relationships in our lives that can provide this kind of witnessing, but we must do this for ourselves first. This is how to begin being self-centered. Self-centered. centered.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
The second part of this process is getting myself into the emotional state I want to be in right now, and then it sets me up for the whole rest of the day. I decide who I'm going to be today, what I'm going to focus on, what thoughts I'm going to entertain, and how I'm going to show up. This process is way more effective than traditional meditation.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
It's less passive and accepting of what is, and instead more consciously intentionally directing my thoughts and my state of being into what I choose for myself. Your emotional state sets the tone for everything. So you get to choose this on purpose. If what I've been describing sounds good to you, It's a tiny piece of what is in the daily journal, my complete morning ritual.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
I will put the link in the show notes just in case you want to check it out. The third habit is to work out every day. I know some of you who've been listening to me for a while know I do this and I talk about it all the time. I work out every day right after this quiet time in the morning.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Personal growth isn't some esoteric thing. It's simply about being intentional. So let's make it really practical today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
The key here is that I'm not just grinding it out, sweating it out, or doing time at the gym because I have to burn calories. What makes this different is that it's about being present with myself physically. being aware of my movements, being in my body and noticing, being attuned and physically connected to my physicality.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Kinesthetic intelligence is the ability to use your body effectively to express yourself. to solve problems or create something. So people with high bodily kinesthetic intelligence are skilled at coordinating their mind and their body, kind of like athletes or dancers, or even the fine motor skills that artists and surgeons have.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
So for me, being in my body during workouts is feeling the clothes on my skin, moving with intention, experiencing the embodiment, and self-awareness through movement. Sometimes I'm lifting weights, but it's not just a mindless motion that I'm counting and I can't wait to be finished with. It's a thoughtful motion.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Sometimes it's a long walk, and sometimes it's a Tracy Anderson routine, which I love for this because it's like a guided physical meditation. It's a dance. Whatever I'm doing, it is a fully sensual experience for me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
These morning workouts for me are a part of why I'm in such great shape, but I love it and I look forward to it because of the connection to myself that I get to experience every morning. It's being self-conscious in the best possible way. I'm fully grounded, present, and connected to myself. Your body is the vessel, so honor it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Okay, two more daily habits, and then I'm gonna share that powerful, magical question that you can start asking yourself. This next part of my daily habit is selecting my music very intentionally. I know it sounds silly to talk about music as a habit, but it is. Every single day, music is a part of my life. Music has the power to shift our emotional state.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
I choose the music each day that helps me feel how I want to feel. And here is what this does for me specifically. During the day, like all of us, there is so much to do. Family, kids, business, and the chaos of life. It's easy to be in task mode, to-do mode, get shit done mode, being on the go all day.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
I'm in a highly functioning productive zone all day long, which is great for accomplishing things, but it's a very masculine energy and without intentionally shifting out of it can lead to burnout and lack of balance and harmony. So for me personally, I select music that takes me to an internal place where I'm connecting with and experiencing my feminine self.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
So like I said, my workouts are a completely sensual experience for me and the music is in part what helps me get there. I love starting out each day, putting myself into the state of being deeply feminine and sensual and strong and abundantly powerful. Remember, being your best self is the you who is actively working on becoming your ideal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
And this helps me be my best self, which is holding both the masculine and the feminine energy. So music is very subjective and personal, but I'm sharing my highly curated Spotify playlist with you If you want to check it out, go to hillarysilver.com forward slash playlist, and I'll send you the link.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
So the last daily habit for me in being my best self is to hold myself accountable all day, every day. I don't just check in in the morning and then call it good. I stay present with myself throughout the day. This doesn't mean that I'm perfect and that I never mess up because believe me, I do, but I'm conscious and I'm aware of how I'm feeling throughout
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
so I can choose my actions or behaviors intentionally. If I need a moment to process it and figure it out, I pause and give myself that time to check in. Never underestimate the power of the pause. This helps me navigate being the person that I want to be. I am being my best self because I'm keeping my eye on the horizon, which is, again, as you remember, that's my ideal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
And then I'm actively working towards it each day, moment to moment. I'm accountable to myself. At the end of the day, I'm the one I have to answer to. Did I show up my best self? Did I live my values? Did I honor my boundaries? Did I live in alignment with who I think and say I want to be? Did I handle myself in a way that I can be proud of, in ways that my ideal self would be proud of?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
When my head hits that pillow every night, I want to sleep peacefully knowing that I did. So many people are living for external validation. I'm living for mine. And that's what I want for you as well. So here's the magic question that I promised you. When you're trying to figure out how to handle something, you're not sure what to do in a situation or what to say to someone.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Things like that come up every day in life, okay? At home, at work, or in the community, rather than seek outside counsel from a friend or a family member, or even keeping a therapist around to have as a sounding board. A truly self-centered person knows that she has the answers inside of her already, and you do. The question to start asking yourself is this,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
Personal growth is about being aware of who you are right now, your current self, your real self, how you feel, what you think and believe, how you act and behave, the choices that you make, and how you operate in your life, how you move through the world. And then acknowledging that there is a more ideal version of you that you would like to be.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
what would my ideal self do right now? How is my ideal self going to respond or handle this? It puts you in the mind of the ideal version of you so you can answer the question for yourself. If you are truly your ideal right now, how would you handle this? What would you do or say right now? This question has helped me grow so much And I know it will do the same for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Daily Habits To Be My Best Self
So give it a try along with all of these other daily habits and let me know how it goes. And if you want my playlist, don't forget to go to hillarysilver.com forward slash playlist and I'll send it to you. I'll also put the link in the show notes. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Do you feel like you've hit a point in life where you suddenly have space and time that you didn't have before? Maybe your kids are more independent now and they just don't need you as much. Or maybe you've hit a career plateau or you're even facing an empty nest, but you don't really even know what you want to do with that time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
So maybe they're not even really your goals. Others of you haven't even started to work on any goals, all because you just don't even know what to aim for and where to start. Sound familiar? I get it. I am actually in the same boat doing this right along with you. It is so common, especially for high performing women who've been laser focused on their careers and their families for years.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
When work becomes such a huge part of your identity and your focus, and your kids are a priority, you can really lose touch with what you want outside of those roles. And then when you suddenly find yourself with more time or space, it can feel a little disorienting. You feel the hole, the space.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
And what we don't want is to fill that time with more work, just because it's easy for you and you're good at it and you're rewarded by doing so, either financially or because it's fulfilling and it gives you purpose, okay? And you enjoy it, yes, but there are other things in life that bring joy and fulfillment.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
You know you want something more and you need to find something, but the question is what? Today, I'm talking directly to those of you who don't even know what you want. It's something I hear all the time. Hillary, I don't even know what I want. How can I manifest something if I don't even know what I want? So if that's you, you are in the right place.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
So today I'm sharing how to reconnect with yourself and start figuring out what you truly want. And keep in mind, these are not one and done exercises. All of these things that I'm talking about today will be things that you start doing over and over again, a lot. And over time, it will just become a natural part of how you think about yourself and talk to yourself and in your life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
So number one, become a master observer of yourself. To discover what you truly want, just start paying attention to yourself, really listening to what you are saying to yourself throughout the day. Notice what catches your attention. Are there moments during your busy day when you think something like, that looks fun, or I wish I had time for that, or I'd love to try that?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
I bet there are a lot more of those moments than you realize because you're just too distracted in the moment to notice. So make an effort to take notice and then write them down because you will forget it later. These are small sparks that could be clues to what lights you up or areas that you'd love to actually explore. Also, reflect on what you used to love.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Were there activities or hobbies that you enjoyed in the past, but you gave up because life got too busy? They just got squeezed out. Would you want to revisit them? If not, ask yourself why. Maybe they no longer fit your life as is, but could work in a new version. So for example, if tennis feels too intense now,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
maybe playing doubles or pickleball like everyone else is doing could actually bring you joy. Back before I had kids, I was rock climbing and playing a lot of ultimate Frisbee. That's in fact how my husband and I met. But once we had kids, actually rock climbing felt too scary for me and too risky. And it was just something I wasn't willing to do anymore.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
And so really some things are not going to be a fit for you anymore, but there's It's important to understand why and to just understand that about yourself. Evolving your interests rather than starting from scratch is a powerful way to add more value back into your life. Number two, use jealousy and envy as clues. Yes, you heard me right.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
We judge jealousy and envy as bad feelings, so we often won't admit that when we feel it. We try to shut it down and pretend we don't feel it. But if you allow yourself to feel it and turn towards the jealousy with curiosity, it can become a window for you, providing awareness and insight like clues.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
So when you see someone else's life or you see somebody doing something and you feel a pang of envy, ask yourself this. What do I admire about their life? What's stirring something in me? Maybe you envy somebody's ability to travel or their creative hobby or their close relationships. That envy can point you towards something you didn't even know is a desire for you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Number three, ask the magic wand question. I love this one. If I handed you a magic wand right now and told you that you could just wave that wand and have, be, or do anything, what would you choose? With no limits. This exercise is all about bypassing the limits you've placed on yourself
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
By the end of this episode, you will have some practical steps and tools and ideas and exercises to figure it out. And trust me, this is a journey worth taking. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
and tuning into your deepest desires by putting the how on the shelf, the yeah, but I'm not good at it, or yeah, but I don't have time for that, or yeah, but that's not practical. If you put that aside and not limit yourself or worry about how to actually make it happen, what would you come up with? This is not the time to be practical right now. This is an exploratory exercise.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Just allow yourself to think big and dream big and just enjoy getting to know this part of you. If you could do, be, or have anything without all of the how do I get there logistics, what would it be? Would you want to travel the world? Would you want to write a book? Would you start a business or grow the one that you already have? Take up painting, dancing, or gardening.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Once you come up with something, you can later figure out how to get there because you are resourceful. Making it happen is often the easy part. Everything is figureoutable, right? I'm sure you've heard that phrase. Number four, experiment without commitment. Once you have some ideas, try them out without feeling like you have to commit.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
People get scared of commitment, so they don't even try anything. You don't have to go all in right away. So if you've always wanted a second home or a vacation home, rent one for a month before you buy. If you're thinking about taking up a new hobby, sign up for a short workshop or a single class before getting a membership. That's what I did. I'm so glad that I did it that way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
I tried aerial dance, but then I got super dizzy. And it turns out you can get motion sickness, not just in a car or in a boat. So that was a one and done for me. We made this huge mistake and bought an Airstream. We used it once and then we sold it. It was harder than we thought it would be. It was a total pain in the ass.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Think about this as a fun experiment, having a new experience and figuring out what truly lights you up. But try before you buy to avoid triggering that fear of commitment that could keep you from trying in the first place. Number five, do the life zone exercise. This is one of my favorite tools to help you assess where you are and where you want to go.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
So imagine your life as a wheel divided into sections like a pie chart. career, health, relationships, personal growth, hobbies, finances, and so on. It's an infinite pie chart. Rate your satisfaction in each area on a scale of one to 10. Which areas feel lacking and which ones feel abundant? The answers can guide you towards where you want to focus your energy and intention.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
which areas are not fulfilling but that you want to be better. This isn't only about hobbies and activities that you might want right now. Maybe you want better friendships, improve your finances, make a career change, or get involved in philanthropy or volunteering more. Where your focus goes grows. This exercise will help you get clear what area of your life is lacking
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
so you can bring it into focus and make it a priority. Number six, focus on your feelings. This is one of my favorite things to share with my clients. Our emotions are our greatest source of wisdom for us. They inform us, guide us, reveal to us, and show us who we really are. Our feelings help us see what we value and what's important to us. So two things,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Pay attention to what upsets you, pisses you off, lights you up, excites you as you are living your life. And a good way to do this is by watching the news or listening to the news. What makes you mad and what moves you? When you're out to dinner with your partner or your friends, what feels luxurious or special? This can give you clues.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
So for example, I love all things beauty and design, fashion design, interior design. So I love being in beautifully designed places. It feels luxurious and makes me feel alive. So instead of just consuming through lots of shopping and buying things and developing a bad habit... I add in more time to just be in those places.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
High-end restaurants have amazing design, and I love just being there and staying in beautiful hotels when I travel, exploring stunning places. All of that enriches my life and just helps me step away from my daily life, and it allows me to spend time in places that just feel good to me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
This doesn't necessarily mean I'm adding in a hobby or developing a talent or a skill, but I'm honoring a part of me. And it's something that I consider when I'm making plans with my husband or my friends or doing something for my business. So instead of thinking about what you want to do, think about how you want to feel.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
If you want to have more adventure in your life, you will want to add in outdoor activities that push the limit or foreign travel, something that brings you a sense of adventure. If you want to feel creative or inspired, you're going to want to pursue something artistic.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
Once you're clear on how you want to feel, you can then brainstorm ways to add more of those activities into your life, those experiences that provide that sense of feeling for you. And remember, you're not just doing these exercises once. You're doing it all the time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
It's really about your relationship with yourself and how you think about yourself and tune into yourself, continuing to really know yourself so that you can create this life that is truly yours. As you do this work, you will reconnect with yourself and remember a big part of who you always were and who you want to continue to be and what really makes you happy.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
If you're truly committed to making yourself a priority, sign up for my self-satisfied program. The life zone exercise is actually part of that program and I'm going to guide you in how to apply it into your life and so much more. The link is in the show notes and in the comments below. Thank you again for all of your support and for listening. See you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
I want to quickly start by expressing my deep gratitude for all of you who've been listening to this podcast and watching on YouTube. Last week, CastBox and Apple Podcast ranked this show number five in the self-improvement and education categories. It feels amazing, so thank you for the comments, the ratings, the reviews, and sharing with your friends.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Feeling Lost? 6 Practical Tools To Discover What You Really Want
It means so much to me, and I just hope that you continue to find value in what I'm sharing. So let me tell you why I'm tackling this topic today. I've been getting so many messages from all of you saying, what if I don't know what I want? I'm still stuck in the what I want part. Some of you have started using my daily journal or are working on goals, but you're not excited about the goal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
I've spent over 25 years inside the minds of high-achieving women. Women who've built the career, she's worked her ass off, checked every box, did everything right, and yet still feels like something's missing. It's the woman who looks like she has it all on the outside, but secretly wonders, why don't I feel happy? Why don't I feel fulfilled? What is wrong with me? I'll tell you what's wrong.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
It's the constantly seeking and chasing and proving that has you overworked, underwhelmed, and forever striving, but never arriving. And if you don't break free, you will eventually burn out and you will wake up 10 years from now just as unfulfilled, but less time to do anything about it. So how do you stop the cycle? You stop chasing external success and you become self-centered.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
Here's the truth you may not know. Much of the drive to achieve comes from a deep subconscious need to feel good enough. Early experiences and messaging taught you that achieving and winning or doing well means attention, praise, or love. And sadly even, when you fell short, sometimes it meant criticism.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
So you've built this wall of fame, as I call it, and your mantle of trophies, checking all the boxes that prove just how smart you are, how capable you are, how deserving you are. It is all the evidence that you've racked up that you are significant and deserving or good enough and worthy of being seen or even loved.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
But no amount of money, accolades, success, or attention will ever be enough to fulfill you. And chasing after it only keeps it elusive because your worth and your enoughness has nothing to do with what you've achieved or anything else about what you've done. It is not contingent upon external sources. Your worth is inherent and inside of you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
But in all of that efforting, everyone else gets to stay comfortable, but not you. So your boss, your friends, your partner, your children, the community, Everyone else gets to stay comfortable, but not you. And the second you stop playing the game, some people will question you and even try to make you feel guilty for it. You say no and suddenly you're selfish.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
You stop overworking and suddenly you're not dedicated enough. You put yourself first and people just don't get it. Maybe they see you differently or start to think different things about you and pull away. Sound familiar? So you have two choices right now. keep playing by the rules that were never meant to serve you, or finally become the center of your own life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
You've been sold a version of success that was never designed to fulfill you. And today I'm showing you exactly how to break free and find more joy and satisfaction. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Since childhood, you've been conditioned to believe that success will make you happy. Accomplishments will give you confidence.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
That second choice, that's where your freedom is. And it all starts with being self-centered. Self-centered. not other-centered, self-centered. Can you feel that shift? Being self-centered is not selfish like we've all been conditioned to believe. It's not about taking from others at their expense. It's about prioritizing yourself so that you are fulfilled and whole and happy and healthy
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
and have something left to give. You are giving from an overflowing cup because right now you are running on empty. You're pouring from a cup that has nothing in it, hoping that nobody sees just how exhausted and depleted you are, and no one knows that you are privately struggling and hanging on by a thread. Who benefits from that? I guarantee you it is not you, my love.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
It is your boss and your colleagues and your friends and your family. They do. But when you become self-centered, everything shifts. The exhaustion lifts. The fulfillment you've finally been chasing for, it finally arrives. It just slowly fills you up from the inside. But where do you start? I'm going to share three actions that you can take right now.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
And the best place to start is actually with my free video training called This Changes Everything. And over the last two decades, I've helped thousands of women stop all the proving and seeking. So if you're ready for that, just click the link in the show notes or in the description to get immediate access if you're interested and you want to check it out.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
So action number one to becoming self-centered and finally feeling full is to audit your life. No more lying to yourself. Look at every part of your life and ask yourself these three questions. Did I actually choose this? Does this still make sense for me? Am I relying on this to feel good about myself or do I authentically enjoy this? If the answer is no, Stop pretending.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
Stop convincing yourself that you still want things that drain you. Stop keeping the commitments that don't serve you anymore. And stop waiting for permission to let things go. If it doesn't fit, it goes. Because if you don't clear the space, there will be no room for the life that you actually want. You have to clear it out and make room for what it is that you really want in your life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
Action number two, redefine success on your terms. If your definition of success was handed to you by someone else, you will always feel unfulfilled. If you don't care about climbing the ladder, stop. If you want to take a year off and travel, do it. So what does success actually mean to you? If it means working less, playing more, feeling more alive, choose that.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
Because if the goal isn't yours, the happiness won't be either. And action number three, make self-centered decisions every single day. This means saying no when you mean no, not explaining yourself when no explanation is needed, not shrinking yourself to make other people comfortable. At first, people won't like it. So what? And I say, good. It's not meant for them to like it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
It's meant for you to like. And the people who actually really truly do love you will applaud this shift for you. And the others can just fall away. Let them just fall away. I call that cutting the fat, trimming the excess that isn't healthy for you and just keep the good stuff. The ones who benefit from all your self-sacrifice are aren't supposed to like the new self-centered you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
But you know who will? You will. You will like her a lot. This is what it means to step into your power. It's time to choose you. Please do not fall into the trap of thinking, I'll be happy when. I'll be happy when I make more money. I'll be happy when I finally get the validation I deserve. I'll be happy when I reach the next level.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
I'll finally feel good enough and can stop all the seeking and chasing when I get there. It's not out there, my friends. It's in here. It always has been. It's been with you all along. You just have to choose it. Stop waiting, stop chasing, and start being self-centered. It doesn't just change your life. It literally changes everything. Thanks for being here.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
And when you get there, everything will feel right. So you did the work, you hit the goals, and you made it. But instead of fulfillment, the target just keeps moving. And every time you hit a new goal, there's always another one right behind it. You thought once you hit six figures or got the promotion or built the dream life, you'd finally feel fulfilled.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
I appreciate it so much, and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
But instead, that target just moves further and further away. The more you achieve, the more you feel like you should be grateful and happy. But when you're not, you don't question the system, you question yourself. And it makes you feel even worse than you already do for not being grateful for what you have. This is not your fault.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Why Successful Women Feel Empty (Here’s What to do)
It's what I call the plight of the high achiever, running and running and running on the achievement treadmill. It's a never-ending cycle that keeps women running after that feeling. that you've arrived to a place where you can just finally rest and relax and feel deeply satisfied, that you are in fact good enough.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
This may sound crazy, but everything you've been told about how to free yourself from anxiety is probably making it worse. That's because all of the mainstream advice is focused on treating the uncomfortable symptoms of anxiety, such as get plenty of sleep, exercise regularly, count backwards from five, take meds, and my favorite, meditate.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
You're lying there exhausted and you just want to sleep so badly, especially so that you can function the next day. But your brain decides this is the perfect time to think about all the things you've been avoiding or too busy to think about during the day. What if this happens? What if that happens? Why did you do that? Why didn't you do that?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
Maybe you should do this thing instead or that thing instead. For me... This is the moment that my inner critic would strike, because of course she would. My defenses are down. I swear it's the worst to start beating up on myself for not doing better or not knowing better. It's hard to make it stop in those moments, like almost impossible. It's like torture.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
And in those deep, dark, soul-of-the-night moments... What made it worse for me is how isolating it would feel. It's like the loneliest night on earth when it seems like everyone else in the world is sound asleep and you're the only one up, worrying and stressing and feeling stuck, unable to do anything about it because it's 2 a.m.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
I have felt in those moments like I needed a lifeline, someone or something to pull me out of that mental quicksand. It's no surprise that anxiety is the leading cause of insomnia. So yes, it is worth addressing the symptoms of anxiety because it's very uncomfortable and inconvenient.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
However, if that is all that you are doing to deal with anxiety, there will be plenty more sleepless nights and all the other symptoms that you have to live with that just keep you from living your highest quality of life. As I said earlier, and what no one else is really saying is that as problematic as anxiety is, It is not the real problem. It is itself a symptom.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
It's the symptom of a much deeper issue that is being ignored, denied, and repressed. I call it a secondary problem, not the primary problem. It's a secondary emotion, not the primary emotion. And then the secondary problem becomes the focus of all your attention because it's easier to deal with, interestingly enough.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
because it's nearly impossible to meditate when you have anxiety and your brain is like a runaway train. Here's the thing. Symptom control does not cure anxiety, and it will only keep you stuck dealing with it for the rest of your life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
It becomes a distraction from the deeper issue that is more profound and perhaps more challenging to actually deal with. There are a lot of other similar secondary problems like weight problems or alcohol problems. that hijack your attention so you focus on it rather than what is causing the problem in the first place, the primary problem.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
Anxiety is like your warning indicator light going off, alarm bells going off. And what it is, it's your deep self, your deep, self, and your body's way to get your attention. It's screaming at you to listen and pay attention. It says, hello, something is going on. I need you. Help me. Hey, you, you're not dealing with this.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
So I'm going to make you really uncomfortable until you deal with this real problem that we have right now. And until the primary problem is dealt with, Anxiety will just never, ever go away. So what is the primary problem you're wondering?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
What I've come to know, like really truly know to be true because I've experienced this for myself and in witnessing the transformation for my clients over the last 25 years is this. Anxiety is caused by one thing and one thing only. Your unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship with yourself.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
Likely you have spent years betraying yourself, dismissing yourself, neglecting and abandoning yourself, not listening to yourself, not being your true self in this world, and not doing what you need to do to get your own back and make yourself a priority. You've ignored your own feelings,
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
disregarded your intuition, doubted yourself, haven't given yourself the well-deserved credit for all that you are, who you are, and what you are capable of. Let that sink in for just a moment. And let me ask you this, how can you actually trust yourself when you've betrayed yourself like this over and over again?
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
But here's the good news in all of this and how we are going to eliminate your anxiety forever. If you've been tuning into my podcast and my videos, then you've heard me say this a lot. You are the problem here. Yes, you. And that also means that you are also the solution and have the power to solve this for yourself right now. Right here and right now, it is literally a decision.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
The restlessness, agitation, being distracted, feeling uneasy, this discomfort that you have, this dis-ease in your body, and living with a chronic low-grade hum in the background, or worse, full-on panic attacks. And in my opinion, that is just no way to live. So here is what no one else is actually saying. The truth is that anxiety is in itself a symptom.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
you can decide to change this relationship that you have with yourself and develop a rock solid, unconditional, unshakable relationship with yourself, which is to know that no matter what happens in this life, you can trust yourself to handle it. You can rely on yourself to do what is required and whatever it takes to keep you safe and protected.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
You give yourself the certainty you need, the safety you need. You guarantee yourself that your needs will be met, your values will be honored, and your boundaries will be respected. All of that is up to you, by the way, and no one else, which is how you know it will be done because you are in control of this. It's not up to anyone else.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
You provide yourself all the certainty you would ever need to be reassured that and relaxed and calm. There's no need to worry about all the possible future scenarios when you know that whatever comes your way, you've got this and you'll handle it and you'll always do what is best for you, even if it's the hard thing or the unpopular thing.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
and even if it just means getting the right help for yourself. So in situations where you're presented with something you've never done before, you may feel a bit anxious, unsure, and uneasy, but those moments don't become anxiety because it's your cue to reconnect with yourself and remember, just who the fuck you are.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
Those sleepless nights would happen when worrying about my kids and how I parented or with my business when the stakes were high. But the lowest common denominator really was that I was unsure of myself more than anything. But now I remember who I am
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
that even though I may not have done this thing before, or I don't have all the answers, or I may not get it exactly right, in the end, I will be okay no matter what, because I've got me. When you can lean back and rest assured everything will be okay because you've got you, you will be okay. You are the hero that you need to swoop in and save the day.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
What if you could feel that way about yourself? What if your inner critic would shut the hell up and all you ever heard in that pretty little head of yours is this, you've got this, it'll all be okay. I'll be okay no matter what happens. How life-changing would that be? When you have those situations that provoke you and you feel anxious even just for a moment,
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
Know that this is information for you. Rather than push it down, turn away from it, suppress it, avoid it, eat the feelings, drink the feelings, shop the feelings, or busy them away, anxiety is the repression of all of that. Instead, turn towards the anxiety with curiosity and ask yourself, what is it about this situation that makes me feel like I can't handle it?
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
That is one of the most powerful questions you can ever ask yourself. Ask yourself, what am I avoiding right now? What is this that I'm feeling that I really don't want to feel? What is my anxiety trying to tell me? Remember, anxiety is your warning indicator light going off. If an indicator light was going off in your car, you wouldn't just ignore it.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
You would actually look at your manual and figure out what's the problem. Why do we do this to ourselves? The antidote here, the way to get rid of anxiety forever is to use your anxiety as a warning indicator light. It's your cue to check in with yourself, listen to yourself, and ask yourself all of those questions. Trust yourself and remind yourself who you are. It's a vow.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
It's a promise and a declaration. I've got this. I'll be okay no matter what. So do the work to repair this relationship that you have with yourself and this relationship that has endured so much betrayal and conditional love. This is what will free you from anxiety forever. I promise, change the relationship that you have with yourself because when you do so, it doesn't just change your life.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
It is a symptom of a much bigger and deeper problem. And until you start addressing what causes anxiety in the first place, it will never go away. And you'll never really be able to solve such a solvable problem. So I'm going to do that for you in the next seven minutes.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
It changes everything. If you enjoyed this conversation, you will really like the five core concepts of the self-centered movement, which are episodes 39 to 43. I will put the link in the show notes and on YouTube. It's the playlist called Start Here. As always, I appreciate you being here more than you'll ever know, and I hope to see you next time.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
I know that sounds like a bold statement, but it's actually that simple because we're going to go to the root of what actually causes anxiety in the first place so you can solve it once and for all at the source. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast.
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Give Me 7 Minutes and I'll Erase Your Anxiety Forever
For me, anxiety would hit the hardest in the middle of the night because during the day, I can distract myself with work and family and life, but once my head hit that pillow and it was just me and my brain alone in the dark, it would be pretty bad. Maybe you know what I'm talking about.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
There's an exact science to getting what you want, and those who know about it are the highest performers among us. Athletes, Olympians, millionaires, winners. Those who break through seemingly impossible barriers against all odds. It's not just that they're talented or even lucky. It's so much more than that.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
It combines the power of visualization and the law of attraction, the law of assumption, radical gratitude, and more. I will put the link in the Even though we covered a lot today, it's very simple and practical and you can do it. Try it on, see how it feels. You literally have nothing to lose and everything to gain. So let me know how it goes. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
And once you understand these laws and integrate them into your way of life, you can tap into this omnipotent power, an endless, and eternal source of creation that exists for our benefit. And you will see into creation all that you desire. And if you ignore it, wah, wah, you will miss out. Too bad, so sad for you. And I just don't want that for you.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
I know firsthand how this works because I've been able to attract more wealth, opportunity, and success in the last seven years than I ever imagined possible. And I've witnessed my clients doing the same using my manifesting methods. Let's start with a simple explanation of how manifesting works.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
And then I'm going to get into my zone of genius, which is where neuroscience and manifesting meet and explain how our brains are the generator of all of this. And and that by changing your brain, you can start getting more of what you want. So let's begin with the basic understanding of just two of the 12 universal laws.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
The law of vibration states that everything in the universe is in constant motion. Nothing ever stands still. You may remember that we learned this in physics class in high school. That is, if you weren't doodling I Heart Steve on your notebook. Everything is made of cells, which is made of atoms and molecules, right? Even physical objects.
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The speed or rate at which something vibrates is referred to as its frequency. You can think of this frequency as vibrational energy and everything has its own specific energy frequency. So physical objects, obviously, will have the lowest frequency as they don't move. And when something vibrates so fast, we can actually hear it, right?
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It's the super cool science that I'm talking about today, and it's available to all of us. But so many people dismiss the entire concept of manifesting because they don't understand it. They call it new age, hippy dippy bullshit. And that means they are missing out on an entire realm of possibility in this life. But I am not going to let you miss out, my friends.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Think hummingbirds or all the annoying drones that we've been listening to and hearing lately. We, each of us, vibrate at a certain frequency too. When we are at a low level of vibration, it's because of who and how we are in that moment. It's our state of being. Make sense? Imagine being physically sick or depressed. You're in bed, not moving. That is low frequency.
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versus being high on life and you're at a concert dancing your ass off, being super active. That is high frequency. And not all of this is about physical movement. It's our mental and our emotional state too that contributes. You don't have to be physically in motion to be vibrating at a high level.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
They do often go hand in hand, but it's not always connected because you can sit in quiet meditation and and vibrate at a high frequency because of your state, the state that we just talked about. So essentially, our thoughts, emotions, and our state of being send out vibrations into the universe. Our being, our identity, who we are at any given moment creates our vibration.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Every thought leads to our mental and emotional state, and that has a corresponding rate and frequency of vibration. High energy particles are naturally attuned to other high energy particles. And the same is true for those that have low energy. We must match our vibration with that of what we want. That is what is meant by becoming an energetic match for what you want.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Maybe you've heard that phrase. All of this shifts the focus away from what we are doing every day and comes back to how we are being, which you know that I love to talk about. The law of attraction is the law of vibration in action. In order to have the things that you desire in life, you have to work out how to vibrate on the same frequency as the things you want, because like attracts like.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
And what we experience in our lives is a mirror, an honest and unforgiving mirror most of the time, reflecting back to us who we are, our self-worth, our beliefs, our mindset, and our energy. So everything is always either being pushed away or pulled towards something. Items of a similar vibration are attracted to each other.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
So if you want to attract all the amazing good things that you desire into your life, then you must vibrate at a higher frequency. If you are at a low vibration, then you will not be able to receive those things that you want, whatever it is. And you will attract low vibe people later. experiences, and situations into your life. And we want high vibes, right?
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
So now that we're vibing high, let's talk about the universal connection. That's what I call it. There are five fundamental truths that I want to share with you. First, whether you call it God, spirit, universe, whatever you want to call it, There is an infinite wisdom that exists, and it's an all-knowing, omnipotent energy source, a divine presence. This does exist.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Second, this wisdom source, the universe, is connected to you, to me, and to each of us, whether we like it or not. And it's always present, and it's always listening to you. It hears what you think and say, and it understands how you feel. It's aware always of of what is going on with you even when you're not sure of what's going on with you. It's like intercepting messages from you.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
let's take manifesting mainstream today. Let's make it accessible and easy to understand because it's not woo-woo. This shit is real and it works. Even if you already know some things about manifesting, keep listening because I'm sharing an easy way to see how it works, why it works, and the actual steps that you can take to start attracting more of what you want and less of what you don't.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
So what this means is that there is a direct line between you and the universe, all of you, your subconscious and all. Third, the universe wants you to have what you want. The universe provides, but here's the thing. It cannot discern or distinguish between the thoughts that you are having about what you do want and what you do not want. It just delivers whatever you are focusing on.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
So if you focus on not having the bad thing happen or not getting the thing that you want or you're worrying about it, the universe simply gets the message of this thing that you are obsessing about and will send it, even if it's the thing that you don't want. And if you are sending the message that you want something, and it's clear what you want, that's great. You can get it.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
But if you're in a low vibrational state of being, you will not get it. You will repel it from coming to you. You won't be able to receive it. This is why we talked about energy at the beginning. You have to be clear what you want, Focus on what you want and be an energetic match to receive it. Fourth, we are all always in a constant state of thought.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Conscious thought, what we are aware of thinking, and subconscious thought, that which we aren't aware of thinking. But did you know that 95% of all the thinking that we do is subconscious? Yep, it's true. What we think all the time does two things. It creates our emotional state and our energetic vibrational level.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
And it means that you're always sending messages to the omnipotent power of the universe, whether you realize it or not, which is why we are talking about this today so that you can learn to be more intentional about what you are saying to influence the universe in the ways that you desire intentionally. So what messages are you sending to the universe? Think about it.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Your beliefs, your thoughts, your feelings, your energy and vibe. So based on what I've shared so far, are you someone who is going to get what you want to attract it into your life or Or are you repelling it, even subconsciously? Perhaps you're sending mixed messages where you think about what you want. You wish for it. You pray for it. You dream about it. You obsess about it.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
You make vision boards and light candles. But subconsciously, unbeknownst to you, deep down, you are afraid of it. You don't feel worthy of it. You don't really believe it's possible for you. And if you're stuck in low vibe energy,
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
fearful comparing yourself to others feeling like you don't measure up or have what it takes and you're fucking mad about it if you don't feel worthy of this thing that you want you're scared of receiving it you can't imagine it or visualize it you are sending mixed messages and this is what i call ambivalence where you want the thing and you don't at the same time you want the thing but you really don't feel that you're ready for it the universe cannot discern
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
So no matter how badly you want it, it just won't happen. This is when you are blocking the things that you want in your life. So what can we do about this? This is where it gets interesting and even better. This is the place where neuroscience and the laws of the universe meet, the point of intersection.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Which brings me to my last point, and then I'm going to leave you with five practical takeaways to help you get started. So the fifth universal truth. You get to decide what you think and feel and believe. Yes, you have the ability to shift your state of being whenever you want.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
You can train your brain to think new thoughts, to think the thoughts that you want to think, the thoughts that will put you in an elevated emotional state and a higher vibrational frequency. And to make your subconscious conscious, making the covert overt. So you are fully aware of yourself and you don't accidentally, inadvertently block what it is that you really want.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
So here are five ways to start getting more of what you want and less of what you don't. You asked and I listened. You want more resources to start applying my advice. So I created three programs to help you level up the most important areas of your life. Self-devoted to master health, fitness, and self-care. Self-satisfied to create the relationships you want in your life.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
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And self-made to transform your money mindset and build wealth. If you choose all three of my self-centered programs with the bundle option... I'll bonus you the Daily Journal, which is the most effective tool for creating true transformation in your life. Visit my website at hillarysilver.com forward slash shop to check them out.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
First, notice your energy and your emotional state throughout the day. If you're so busy and on autopilot that you have trouble connecting with yourself and noticing and tuning in, you can set an alarm on your phone, or you can make it a habit to check in anytime that you eat something. Pair the check-in with something that you periodically are already doing throughout the day.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
The goal is to be more aware of yourself and just remind yourself to be high vibe. Catch yourself being low vibe. I can just feel myself when I'm being grumpy or I'm ruminating on something. I'm aware of it. And I can decide in that moment if I want to continue being that way or if I'm going to shift. It is a choice.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
What I do is I speak the words of the emotions that I want to feel instead, and it almost immediately puts me in that state It's like a cue to remind me of how I want to feel, who I want to be, and I can decide in that moment to shift out of the low vibe state and into a high vibe state. So I say things to myself like high vibe or abundance, open, loving, accepting, and peaceful.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
You can select the feelings that you want to feel and notice how it reminds you of the choice that you have. You can stay where you are or shift. It is definitely a decision that you get to make in those moments. Next, pay attention to your thought habits. These are your automatic thoughts that you have. They are embedded in you. And if you are defaulting to pessimism,
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
judgment, negativity, actively work on changing your automatic default reactions and thoughts. Our brains are meant to evolve and expand and grow. It's called neuroplasticity. You can teach your brain to think new things. How cool is that? I'm going to put the link to some of my previous episodes on how to change the way you think in the show notes so you can go back and reference some of those.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
When you recondition yourself to think new things, you naturally elevate your energy and your vibrational level and it becomes your new emotional home. It's a higher default set point. You can train yourself to be more optimistic, positive, fearless, open, accepting, and to expect the good. Third,
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Because the universe cannot distinguish between what you want and what you don't, you have to focus only on what you do want and make sure that you are not thinking about it in terms of what you don't want. Meaning, what you want is not the absence of what you don't want. For example, if you're dating...
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
You definitely don't want to be out there on the apps or in real life worried about all the bad things that can happen. You don't want to be out there looking for the red flags because guess what? You're going to find them. They will come to you. If you're so worried about somebody being a scammer or not being healthy or not being good, that is what you're going to get.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Like all of science, there are specific laws that govern the process of manifestation. And just like the law of gravity, we don't see it, but we experience the effects of it, don't we? It's time to accept it and leverage its powers because it is real.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
So rather than worrying about that and focusing on that, you're going to only focus on these amazing people who are coming into your life and oh my gosh, there's so many wonderful people in the world. I'm so excited to meet everybody. That's the mindset. It's focusing on what you want, not in the absence of what you don't want.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Notice when you are ruminating or what if-ing about things not being what you want, and instead focus entirely on the outcome you do want. Fourth, Be grateful for what you want as if you already have it. This is the law of assumption, assuming that what you want is already yours.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
Fifth, it can be hard to imagine living the life that you will have when you have that thing that you want in the future, a healthy, loving relationship if you've not had one before, hitting your goal weight and keeping it off forever, or total financial freedom. So the tool for this, to help train your brain is visualization. It teaches your brain to expect that what you want will happen.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
It allows you to feel and experience now what it will be like when you have the thing that you want so that it becomes your new normal. It makes it normal for your brain to live this new future state. Visualization is one of the best and most effective tools for growing your brain and manifesting what you desire.
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Neuroscience Meets Manifesting
If you really want to become a magnet for all the things that you want and have more structure and guidance on the work that you need to do specifically, I really encourage you to sign up for the Daily Journal. It's the best tool for helping you manifest anything you want. It's the method that I created to literally rewire the brain. It's neuroscience meets manifesting practices.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
I've spent 25 years inside the minds of women. Women who climb the corporate ladder, raise families, and break big-time barriers. Yet they still feel unseen, unfulfilled, and disconnected from themselves. But then, something shifts. A moment or a realization, a new way of being in life that changes everything. It's when you step into something more astonishing and magnetic
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
The inner voice quiets and you stop asking, do they like me? And you just start asking, do I even like them? And you walk into a room and instead of scanning for approval, You own the space. You radiate confidence not because someone else acknowledged you, but because you trust yourself completely. And that's when you know you've really begun to just step into your wise woman era.
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
This shift happens when your opinion of yourself holds more weight than anyone else's. Not your family's, not your friend's, or even your spouse or your partner. Only yours. You might think that's being self-absorbed and that it's a bad thing, but this is actually what I call being self-centered. And it's one of the best things that can ever happen to you because when you're self-centered,
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
something else happens that you wouldn't expect, which is the second shift that you know that you're stepping into your wise woman era. And that is that you no longer negotiate your time, your peace, or your power. There's an unspoken rule that every woman learns early on. Don't be too opinionated. Don't be too ambitious.
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
Don't take up too much space because the moment that you step outside the lines, you become a problem. And maybe without realizing it, you actually listened. So you played along and you softened your voice and you held back in meetings. Maybe you bit your tongue when you had something to say or you downplayed your successes so you wouldn't make others uncomfortable.
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
You just made yourself a little bit smaller so that other people could feel bigger or more comfortable. It never made people actually like you more and it never made you belong. It actually only just made you disappear. But the moment that you become self-centered, you realize that shrinking yourself was never the answer and suddenly
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
Your time, your peace, and your power are no longer up for negotiation. This shift isn't about being difficult. It's about owning yourself completely. I've coached thousands of women on how to do this, and it's as simple as asking yourself the right questions. If you're ready to take this step, I created a free video training that will guide you exactly on how to do it.
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
So just tap the link in the show notes or in the description to get access to it if you want to check it out. And this brings us to the third sign. You stop apologizing for taking up space. Little girls, we are trained to be nice. To be easy, to be flexible. You were told that being a good person means making sure that everyone else is comfortable, even if it costs you. So you did.
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
You said yes when you wanted to say no. You explained yourself when no explanation was needed. You smiled through things that made you want to scream. And you apologized when you didn't even do anything wrong. And you thought this made you a better person. But it didn't. It just made you exhausted. Maybe it made you feel resentful or taken advantage of. or even taken for granted.
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
and something undeniable. Society just calls it aging, but I call it stepping into your wise woman era when you finally stop looking outside yourself for validation and start becoming self-centered. Today, I'm sharing the five signs that you're stepping into yours. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
And maybe it just made you feel angry so that one day you snap. Maybe it's something small, like a friend who always takes, or a boss who keeps piling on the work, or a family member who doesn't respect your time. And in that moment, it hits you. The reason that you're drained isn't because you're doing too much. It's because you're allowing too much. Allowing too much.
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
There's a big distinction there between doing too much and allowing too much. So you just decide to stop. You stop justifying your no's. You stop explaining why you can't help and why you're not coming and why you're unavailable. And you stop justifying your boundaries. The reality is no one else is thinking about your peace. You are the only one who will be doing that. So you must protect it.
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
It is on you. And this is the power of being self-centered. No, it is not selfish. It is completely necessary, and it means putting yourself at the center of your life. It means recognizing that your time, your energy, and your peace are yours, and you don't need permission to put yourself first. And it doesn't just change your life, it literally changes everything when you start doing this.
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
Now, let me ask you this. How many years have you spent at war alone? with your own reflection. Think back as far as you can to being a teenager or maybe even sooner. How many mornings have you picked apart your face, your skin, your hair, your body, wishing you looked different?
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5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
How many times have you looked back at photos of your younger self and thought, oh my God, I wish I appreciated or enjoyed what I had back then. But instead you spent all that time being critical and unhappy with yourself. Thank you so much.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
It really only compounds itself because we're supposed to fight time, reverse aging, erase wrinkles, shrink your body, cover the gray, stay small, stay young. But that's not happening anymore to us because when you embrace being self-centered, you stop measuring yourself by those established standards.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
You stop picking yourself apart and instead start accepting how you look and maybe even finally loving how you look. Oh my God, what a life-changing experience. And when you stop being at war with your own appearance, people start seeing you differently. And it's not because your face or your body changed, but because you did. Your energy did.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
And that is the fourth sign that you're stepping into your wise woman era. Women don't become invisible as they age. We become impossible to ignore. And this brings us into the fifth and final sign that you are stepping into your wise woman era. You finally have a loving relationship with yourself like you've never had before. You are kinder, gentler, and more accepting of yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
You forgive yourself your flaws, your faults, and your fuck-ups. Life is too short to be mean to yourself or to punish yourself. You can finally exhale and give yourself a damn break. From your appearance to your behavior to your habits and your choices, you know that you're doing the best you can. So when you do fall short, oh well, no big deal, live and learn, move on.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
And you can just get over things quickly instead of beating yourself up or worrying about it so much. And this grace that you can finally give to yourself means that you can extend that to others more easily too. You know that you've got your own back, that you'll always take care of you no matter what, and you'll do what is best for you even if it's not what others want you to do.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
Oh my God, that is just a life-changing experience when you can trust yourself like that. This makes you powerful and unstoppable and untouchable. You wear what makes you feel sexy and powerful. You speak how you want to speak. You live in a way that serves you and you don't care if it makes other people uncomfortable because their comfort is not your responsibility.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
For most of your life, you've been longing for confidence and chasing after it like it's something outside of yourself, something that you have to earn. And that has it feeling just out of reach. You've built a career, a life, and a reputation. So you have all the evidence to prove that you can just finally be confident in yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
You are not here to make other people happy. You are here to make you happy and you realize you were never supposed to fit in and you've always belonged. You've actually already always belonged to you and and that you are meant to lead. You are a leader in your life. You are self-led, and that's exactly what you are doing now. Women have more power than we realize, and we are not wielding it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
I want to say that again. Women have way more power than we realize, and we are not wielding it. And being self-centered is is the answer, living life on your own terms as defined by you making yourself and your thoughts and your feelings and your needs a priority. The time has come individually and collectively for us to do this.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
I know that if we can all start claiming our place at the front of the line and start leading from this self-centered place and to stop the self-loathing and to start the self-loving. And if we stop the self-doubting and instead start the self-trusting, this world would be a much better place.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
And now that you understand this, what it takes to live in your wise woman era and to be self-centered, I am curious. I want to know what might you do differently starting right now. Please share your thoughts in the comments below, and I look forward to seeing you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
5 Signs You’re Entering Your Wise Woman Era
But yet, deep down, there is still that nagging voice asking, am I doing this right? Did they approve? Did they clap? Did I do a good job? Am I good enough? That's because when confidence is contingent upon external outcomes like approval, or achievement or accomplishment and external validation, it's always a fleeting and fragile experience. But then slowly something starts to shift.